it’s my palindrome birthday,,,,

I can be normal about things. Don't look at my blog.

Angela Carter: Of Wolves & Women

GET YOUR BODY OUT OF SURVIVAL MODE SO YOU CAN CREATE FROM YOUR HEART

losing track of who’s been return-booped if you get two from me it’s simply because i am booping with reckless abandon atp

you can be a dickhead to me but my whimsy will always haunt your narrative

How are you so talented ? Plus you like Sebastian and Bucky, I want to be your friend 😭

AUGH you’re so sweet thank you sm 😭😭 <3

feel free to message me whenever (anon or otherwise)!! i Love To Talk and i’m always down to make new friends

mmmmm

sooo super intrigued by motorcycle accident bucky….. bucky with tbi… u said it’s niche and it IS and it’s so special to me and i feel like only u could do it justice :* mwah

me @ you ,,, i am swooning dramatically. real time reaction

AUGH i’ve already spent an obscene amount of time thinking abt it and the specifics of how it affected his relationship with Steve and his general like… life trajectory.

i was gonna have it be grad student! stark(implied adopted)reader x bucky where she needs a place to live that’s affordable on the grad stipend and bucky lives ~10min from campus and has a room for rent that’s Cheap because he knows her family. kinda ended up fusing it with “dad’s best friend except it’s dad’s worst tenuous acquaintance” thing I was playing with where the motorcycle accident that fucked his whole life up was also the one that killed tony’s parents. technically it wasn’t his fault but also if he hadn’t been there it wouldn’t have happened. the canon parallels r paralleling. anyway i just like the “oh my god your dad is going to literally kill me” vibes and then also the thought of the OG6 avengers + co as a group of average suburban white people who have lame bbqs and other such get-togethers fairly often. in my little au Tony and Steve becoming friends probably happened when RC was around ~10 years old and Bucky only ever started being dragged to these little events when RC was 17-18 and only ever when Steve’s hosting because tony hates his guts. he knows it’s irrational and it wasn’t actually bucky’s fault but as per canon he’s an emotional manchild (affectionate… i still love u tony you’re just a fucking hot mess).

anyway as you can imagine he’s less than thrilled about her moving into Bucky’s spare room but she’s 22-24ish and that’s an Adult, also it’s her stipend and thus her call and Bucky is charging criminally little. and then,,, Oh No, He’s Hot :/ she kind of already knew that because he’s occasionally at the little gatherings even if it’s just standing in sullen silence on the outskirts of the group of people. but one-on-one it’s Worse because he’s also pretty cool and funny and nice? and then. Developing Relationship. he starts cooking extra when he makes dinner because he discovers RC only eats Garbage College Food and finds it frankly unacceptable. eventually she gets comfortable with him as a roommate and they will both hang out in the living room and watch garbage TV or whatever movie is on which devolves over time into actually watching stuff Together. maybe some weedsmoking elements (common in ppl w chronic pain who can’t take painkillers for whatever reason but also just makes my brain go brrrr i would sooo smoke with him. sighs longingly)

and then because im a massive fucking sap there’s the psychological elements of Guilt and Trauma and how life-altering events can separate you from your friends and stunt your development while simultaneously making you weirdly wise in some ways. and the kind of double-sided coin that is the fact that when truly terrible things happen to people sometimes nobody takes the time to really try to save them, and they’re not necessarily owed the time and sacrifice that would entail, but it still really sucks. for this specifically im thinking abt how steve maybe kind of just grew apart from bucky during his Struggles with his new disability + the pain meds thing + his life basically being changed beyond recognition in the blink of an eye. not out of malice or anything, he just… went off to college (for architecture. According To My Terminally Overdetailed Mind) and wasn’t around as much and didn’t really notice Bucky sort of slipping away until it was too late. and then he’s busy with his career and has a steady girlfriend and even getting married while Bucky is trying to not get fired from another shit blue collar job in their hometown for being either in too much pain or too sick to work. this is essentially the modern version of the dreaded fucking time travel scene in the sense that steve grows up and moves on and bucky’s just. trapped. missed out on a lot of normal development because he was kind of just fighting to Stay Alive and not like. living. the canon parallels paralleling AGAIN.

anyway eventually he manages to get clean and stay that way, but he does it for the most part alone. and i imagine the first time he tells RC all this she’s BLINDINGLY mad at steve the way twenty-somethings with limited irl experience and an idealized view of the world would be. and he’s like :/ no, he didn’t really do anything wrong, the world is just Like That. it wasn’t steve’s job to save him or put his own life on hold trying to get Bucky’s back on track and while it’s kind of shitty and definitely unfair, Steve had his own life to figure out and bucky wouldn’t have wanted him to waste it trying to drag him out of the hole he was in. sometimes bad shit just Happens and nobody will save you and you have to just keep going anyways, and that’s Life.

(in her little romantic 20somethings head like ‘i would have tried to save you consequences be damned’ the hubris of youth etc etc)

on the flipside of that Bucky thinks he’s going to be stuck in this sort of passive limbo of being Fine but not necessarily happy, healthy but not necessarily Thriving, etc Forever, n what he gets from RC is somebody who HASN’T been jaded by an ableist and hypercapitalist society yet. who, instead of looking at him and seeing a guy who missed the chance to do anything with his life due to trauma and addiction and whatever, sees somebody who survived so much and has the drive and willpower to do literally whatever he wants and plenty of time left to do it.

obligatory bucky riding motorcycle again scene. idk what he wants to do with his life but he’ll do it by god. maybe he wants to be a mechanic and open his own shop, maybe his parents left him money and he’d always just figured he’d let it sit until he died. idk yet. The Power Of Love Babey (more like the power of having even one (1) person look you dead in the eyes and be like ‘you haven’t missed out on your life, you’re not a fuckup you’re a survivor and i really think you can do anything!!!’ vs people who grew up with him kind of treating him either like he’s fragile or immature or kind of a failure. )

also the first person to find out you two are fooling around is nat who’s married to clint (i h8 natbruce u will never see me cop for natbruce.) and im thinking clint is probably ~15 years older than her which is in part why she Recognizes what’s up between you two n its not like she’s going to judge but she’s definitely like girl,,, your dad is going to flip if he finds out and also like… just Be Careful.

anyway the second you tell me you like my weird little AUs i puke out all my thoughts like a cat with a hairball THANK YOU FOR INDULGING ME WLFJGJGKGJGJFKFKFKFJGJF *unintelligible noises*

imo bucky’s winter soldier murder dreams are the silent wake-up-drenched-in-sweat kind that ruin his whole day but they’re not super dramatic to onlookers. Lots of jerking/twitching in his sleep. Torture dreams however. There is Screaming. I imagine paradoxically (not really it makes perfect sense/plays into his Crippling Guilt) these do not affect him all that much. Once he wakes up and orients himself it’s pretty much over but I imagine it’s horrifying to watch

Omg thankgod I was feeling so bad thinking I said something bad 😭😭😭 anyways hope you’re doing better now

nooo you’re all good + i deeply appreciate the engagement and support <333

i am finally starting to feel better that cold had me by the throat for two weeks 😭 i still have a cough and some lingering brain fog bc my asthma is outta control again but by god i am determined to finish DOB4 this coming week

Anne Sexton, from a letter featured in Anne Sexton; A Self-Portrait In Letters

favourite (sassy) quotes | for @catws-anniversary ♡

Being a little too cold: brrrr i’m a little too cold !!!

Being a little too warm: i am going to kill the next person who makes eye contact with me.

love the trope that’s like. “asshole deranged bite worse than his bark (and his bark is pretty bad already” type character who only allows backtalk/attitude/snark etc from certain people.

post illness brain fog my sworn enemy