i really try to understand why my fellow progressives are so avoidant of actually introspecting on why they think its still cool to bully. im sorry but thats just an inherently conservative thing to want to do.

headcanons behind fic: Chay's allowance and KimChay zero baht dates mentioned in long & short

Kim chokes trying not to laugh. “Seriously Angel?” Chay looks at him, lips pulled into a pouty moue like what? “You only take me out on zero baht dates, but you’ll pay people to draw us as cats?” Chay sniffs primly. “I only use my allowance for education and fine art,” he says, haughty.

Korn giving Porsche and Chay a large allowance comes up in a lot of my fics I think, because I see him giving all of his sons and his wards a large allowance. And for once, it's not actually a part of his usual manipulation and control tactics.

(Well. It's not not about manipulation and control, because everything Korn does involves manipulation and control. Korn absolutely monitors their accounts and purchases, not to mention he's absolutely the sort of person to always have a mental ledger of favors given and owed for everyone, especially family.)

However, he doesn't need to control any of the boys' finances to have control over them and he's so present over all of them that giving them access to their own money (vs having them request it from him directly) doesn't give him any more advantage over them or could even run counter to it.

No, I see Korn giving all the boys a hefty allowance as a personal push back against the ghost of his father.

We don't know anything about grandpa Theerapanyakul beyond the fact that Gun invoked his name while yelling at Korn and the mere comparison of them rattled Korn more than the literal gun war happening in his own home. Of all the terrible fathers in this series, the grandpa takes the cake apparently!

Alongside Korn's deep-seated control issues, he also has this weird...thing where he really, really wants to be seen as a caretaker and good provider. He never outright denies his sons and is seemingly very supportive of them-- Khun was allowed to fall back and be taken care of, Kim was allowed to live separately to become a musician, he paid off judges in the name of Kinn's childhood dream, later he supports Kinn and Porsche's relationship-- and the whole fucked thing with Nampheung and the narrative he's constructed around him taking care of her. Even Korn's relationship with Gun is a little bit weird given how much he talks about competition. Like, he desperately wants to be seen as a good provider and caretaker, he just also can't stop being Korn and has that stupid-ass metaphor with the knife and the apple. It's a very crunchy contradiction.

Anyways, Korn's issues aside, I see Korn giving his sons and later wards personal allowances as a part of his personal image of himself as a good provider.

And Porsche and Chay hate it.

(Porsche reminds Chay they're very grateful. Chay mutters where was this help when Porsche took out an informal loan too young. Porsche hisses and whips his head around for any walls that are listening.)

Chay mostly just tries to ignore the supposed pile of money apparently just...sitting there, for him, and spend no differently than how he usually would (it doesn't feel real, digital money is never real to him). However, after so many years of Porsche sacrificing to save money for his needs and future, Chay can't bring himself to ignore the account completely when it comes to things like school or food. He never actually looks at his account, he mostly just squeezes his eyes shut whenever he uses his card for essentials and waits for the system to deny him, except it never does. That does not make Chay feel any better about the situation.

The only time Chay's close to breaking his "no treats" stance is shortly after he and Kim get together. Chay wants so badly to treat Kim to something really special, but. Money. He frets. He makes a pros and cons list. He paces. He has an entire argument with himself in the mirror. He angsts. He takes one look at Kim's happy face over a candlelight dinner and decides fuck it, that's a guy he's going to spoil to the moon and back, stupid blood money allowance be damned.

Except, as established, Chay's never looked at his actual account, so he goes to Cash the accountant to see what his options are for spoiling dates. Like, he's been paying his tuition and the card always goes through at the grocer or noodle house, and Korn does keep telling him his school allowance includes some extra spending money, but Chay wants to spoil Kim. A band they like will be on tour in Bangkok around Kim's birthday, Chay's gunning for special VIP tickets and some extra money for merch and dinner. Surely stupid rich mafia has plenty of money to spare for that.

Chay: would I, uh, be able to get a little extra money? tickets are 3000 but they're for a really special occasion and-

Cash, thinking about Kinn's 3000 dollar helicopter tickets: I don't care, let me just pull up your account details

Chay: thank you so much 🥺

Then Cash turns his screen around to ask Chay how much money he needs and. That is. A lot of money. So many digits. The decimal certainly in the wrong spot. Then Chay looks to the top of the corner and nearly screams because that's his name on the account, what the fuck?

Cash: Khun Korn said to have enough money to cover your tuition

Chay: [does not point out the initial balance was 3x his four year tuition]

Chay...leaves. He thinks. He doesn't know how he got from Cash's office to his room but his next stop is his bed to scream into his pillow until his throat hurts. Fucking rich people.

In protest, Chay takes Kim out the next evening on a zero baht date. They walk along whatever part of the river's nearest to their university to watch the sunset, have to jump a fence and duck two railings to even find a private sitting space away from any other river goers. The view's passable at best, at least free of most industry stuff thanks to the proximity to school but hardly the most inspiring. Chay spreads out his flannel for them to sit on, and feeds Kim dry packet ramen and stale shrimp chips he got free from a university event. He didn't even buy a drink, they survive off a mostly full bottle of grape soda Chay stole off a friend.

(It's a magical evening for Kim, obviously. Ferreting out little hidden spaces hand-in-hand with Chay, enjoying the nighttime air curled together, eating terrible cheap food that somehow tastes good? This is DOING things to him. He will be bringing a guitar and minimum two water bottles with him next time tho.)

thoughts

beginning to draft in my head what my message will be when i put PB back up, especially after my discussion with my therapist a few days ago

like there’s no way the fic is going to be for everyone, no matter how hard i try. the best i can do is reiterate that i wrote a fantasy, that stede never puts ed in a situation where he can’t say no, but if the premise is off putting, maybe this isn’t the fic for you. and that’s okay. but i hope people read the whole thing before they judge me. ed goes through a lot of difficult stuff before he gets better. i’m not pretending everything he does is safe. it’d be a worse story if i paused every five seconds to explain how consensual everything is. and i’m trusting the reader to come to their own conclusions about things. to decide for themselves if they want to keep reading. if they finish the fic and still have issues then im open to hearing them. but i can’t write something that will never trigger anyone.

i’m not a sex worker and i probably never will be, but i try my hardest to understand that it’s complicated, and that a lot of sex workers are under incredible pressure to do things they might not want to do, and i don’t want to add to the impression that being a SW means you sign away your rights at the door

but

if you’re reading a fanfic that’s billed from the top as a fantasy, and expect a realistic depiction of SW…..i don’t really know what to tell you. this isn’t it. this fic is never going to be realistic in that way, and i’m sorry.

idk how honest to be about how shattering this experience was, or what they said to me. how it took months to even bear to look at a work i’d poured my heart into for months. how i was so terrified of hurting someone that i took the entire fic down. how i thought i was a monster for writing it at all. how i know the person who came to me will be upset when i reupload this fic. how i have no idea how many people i might’ve unintentionally hurt. how i will always be compared to fics i didnt even know about until after id finished writing.

i think i should let myself be a little selfish and put the full story out there, as i intended. update the tags and warnings, obviously. but there’s nothing i can do to make this one person happy, and i need to stop shutting myself away in a box and pretending like i don’t have feelings too

Story of Kunning Palace, E05 (semi-live reaction)

Of all the ways I thought Ning would handle the proposed slander against her beloved Zhang Zhe, the way she actually handled it did not align with my imaginings in the slightest. Sometimes what plays out is really better than the fiction in your head, hee. I did not see her calling out, not the dumb fiancee but the You-daughter. Nor did I foresee her half-drowning her in a jar full of goldfish.

FIERCE

Judging by the all the clips I have gorged on, this particular love line will be quite strong and trend for a while. Sigh. A decade plus of drama watching has whittled my patience for second lead to first lead love lines to whisper-thin nub but everyone keeps commenting on how amazing Zhang Zhe is so.... I guess the wait and watch won't be too grating.

...

I'm not sure I understand.

Zhang Zhe broke or bent his principles to help her on the oath that she'd become a good person thereafter.

Sometime later, Zhang Zhe is condemned to death for this.

Did he naturally get caught? Or did she deliberately sell him out? Was it more similar to the Yan Lin situation in which her people made moves without her knowledge and when push came to shove, she didn't make the necessary moves to upend the conspiracy for the sake of remaining Empress?

Whatever the case, it's clear Ning did many terrible things - some in ignorance, some in knowledge - to accomplish everything she achieved. I think she squared most, if not all of it with herself when weighing it against the ultimate end result... until Zhang Zhe ended up on the chopping block. I don't think she would have been able to write this sin off and once one stone in her ambitious bedrock was overturned, the rest likely came apart. It's why when she knew she was going to die she wanted her death to mean something, to be a reparation of sort to the only person remaining who might accept it because he thought she was worth something, because he's that good.

...

Oh. Oh. Look at the expression on his face as he listens to the patronizing, sexist drivel:

My scrumptious proto-feminist

...

LOL, he did a dignified catwalk and every lady in the room forgot to think and breathe!

I understand, ladies, I understand.

Geez, Ning, Xie Wei had them open a window for you, and only you, so you would have fresh air and bright light, to improve your mood and chances! Not to silently accuse you of being a potential cheat!

Wow, this is all up hill climb, my guy. Get your shoes with the best tread on, Xie Wei.

I know not a drop of Chinese and even I can see that's atrocious. And what did she draw in the corner. A flower? A dancing sun? A really fat, disproportionate hand with a vestigial finger?

And she asks, did she put too much effort into [failing]? Girl. It's so obvious she'd bring out the contrarian impulses of a saint. But maybe it's worth it since we get this face:

Teacher does not approve.

What I am enjoying so much in this scene is the action and counteraction. The way they each boldly challenge the other. She sent up an exam paper so abominable as to be a mockery [of him]; he passes her. She tries to expose her "stupidity" to the rest of the class; he threatens to critique the entire class, turning everyone against her idea.

point:

Counterpoint:

Concession:

Me:

...

I'm not even touching the "dementia." Rolling my eyes and moving on.

But, but, but... How was he so spot on?! How did he guess at reincarnation?! I mean, yeah, he said he doesn't believe in the supernatural but it can't be a coincidence to the narrative that he's the first to come closest to the truth?

Xie Wei: Ning, what's your relationship with Yan Lin? I NEED TO KNOW... *whispers* for science.

Oh, your father asked me to take good care of you in the palace... Yan Lin asked me to help you... By the by, that study partner list? Yeah, another ministry generates it but ultimately it has to run by me. The moment I saw your name I marked you for the palace. After going to so much trouble, it would be stupid of me to release you from palace duties now!

Xie Wei, be like:

...

God. I Hate Ning's Mom.

TIGHTY WHITIES | p.js

episode 9: ene-cheating

pairing: college! Jay x fem! reader

CW/TW: enemies to lovers, smau, angst, fluff, smut, horrible comedy, slice of life, jay gets exposed BAD, kys jokes, assault, drinking, eviction, Oceangate Submarine (rest in peace)

synopsis: You and Park Jongseong have been enemies for years. Heck, the two of you grew up picking fights with each other. A hateful war of tricks and deceit turns from bad to worse, however, when you finally trump him. Nobody can come back from having a photo of themself in tighty whities sent to the entire school, right?

status: ongoing!

taglist: open! (fill out the google form to be added! your user should be tagged on the masterlist and the next chapter after you submit!)

word count: 394

More after the writing!!

Today was good. The weather was calm, a nice breeze blowing in the air. Birds chirped happily at the lack of rain or heat in the mid-day weather.

Jay casually strolled around campus, making it seemingly un-obvious that he was beelining towards your apartment near the school. His hands held a delicate box, white with a blue ribbon tied over it.

His cheeks flushed the more he thought about what he was doing. Was he really just apologetic over the entire situation and didn't want you to deviate from your usual activities of ruining his day, or was it more?

Choosing to bench that thought for another day, he started up the stairs of your apartment building. "Heeseung better have given me the right address," he sighed to himself, knowing it was probably Heeseung messing with him since he didn't know you personally.

He knocked three times before the door cracked open and revealed your face. "Can I help you? This place had good property value before you showed up," you grumbled, your hair messy from being in bed.

Jay's cheeks could lead a sleigh with how red they were shining. He looked to the side and coughed, a nervous habit he'd had since childhood, and held the gift out to you. "Take this. It's not exactly the way I would have preferred to apologize, but I figured you'd like handmade things more," he tried to smile without looking giddy.

You accepted the gift from him, nodding slightly. "I'll be the judge of that," you said, and Jay swore he saw a smile at the end of your lips. "Why did you come here to bring this?"

"I can't just want to see my favorite enemy?" He jokingly smirked, an arm coming to lean on your doorframe.

You stammered at his boldness. "You have multiple enemies?" You gawked once you gained your composure. "Are you ene-cheating on me?"

Now it was Jay's turn to stammer, the flush returning to his cheeks much brighter than before. "I mean," he choked out, "we're not exclusive enemies."

You smiled, your hand on the doorknob again. "I was kidding, Jay. Now, go home before I get evicted for having roaches outside my home."

Jay smiled as well, feeling the malice behind your insult's absence. He waved goodbye and turned as he walked away.

Today was good, Jay thought.

Notes: the caption from y/n's post on insta is from sacrifice, it's not a foreshadow sadly 💔 or was this all a pun and it really DOES mean smth??? HMMM???

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tags: @deobitifull @eladandan @rikakhairana-blog @igotkkaebsonged @222brainrot @sophiko22 @jungwon-xo @moonmoongi @nichoswag @smellypoopfarts @queen-klarissa @luvdroids @sunoosummernights @minl0u @justalivingperson @a-l-i-y-a @b1ndignity @koibiz @cosmiczen

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I'd joke about this interrogation question and how I've written a whole post about her Kazui parallels and how the 0308 parallels are so very real and we have the 020708 + 06 sometimes and that isn't even going into the 0809 parallels and the 050608 family parallels, but also I'd like to take a moment to mention how isolated Amane is actually.

It seems partially self-imposed but even before this she seemed to be the most withdrawn out of all the cast members. Not only does it seem like she was alone before the prison she says herself her upbringing isn't the standard.

Amane: Aren’t we the same? Me and Warden-san. You know, I’m aware that I’m out of the ordinary. That my environment was peculiar, and that everyone [else] is normal.

Amane is so far away from everyone, both physically since in T2 she isn't really willing to talk to anyone. And uh...metaphorically I guess. I don't really know a better word for it.

Amane is so young and the stuff she's experienced is so non-standard I'm not surprised she feels excluded and isolated. Part of a cult's indoctrination process is to isolate it's victims, and the more isolated you are the harder it is to crawl out of it.

Not to mention the ways the other prisoners make her Feel Excluded. Shidou does this often by making her feel Looked Down Upon.

22/10/24 (Shidou’s Birthday)

Amane: ……Kirisaki Shidou. How long do you plan on continuing this foolish behavior? Shidou: I wonder what you might be referring to there. I’m just doing what I need to do. If anything, I’d be happy if you would lend me a hand. Amane: I warned you. I can no longer turn a blind eye to this wickedness taking place right in front of us. You’re bringing ruin unto yourself. Do you understand? Shidou: No, I don’t understand. It’s my job as an adult to teach you that throwing a temper tantrum isn’t going to make everything go your way. If it’s a test of endurance you want, I’m happy to oblige, Amane.

He doesn't Mean to hurt her but it doesn't really change the outcome does it?

Notably the people she talks recently to are the ones that ask her for advice or her opinion. Fuuta has done that multiple times and Yuno did it recently.

23/06/27 (Amane’s Birthday)

Amane: What is it…… Kashiki Yuno. Don’t sit so close to me. Go away. Yuno: Sorry for barging in when you’re getting into your worldview thing. But Mahiru-san’s finally managed to get to sleep. Humour me with some small talk while I take a break. By the way, Amane. Have you ever wished you were never born? I’ve thankfully lived a pretty fun life so far, so haven’t really. But you seem to be struggling with something. So I kinda wondered if you thought like that. Amane: ……I don’t think that. Being born into this world is the first miracle any person experiences, and is something to celebrate. Even if after birth I was put through trial after trial, the value of that will never disappear. Yuno: Hmm. Ok. ……happy birthday, then. It’s good that you were brought into the world, I guess.

It seems like Amane appreciates being listened to and being asked for her opinion, which tracks with things she said in her in the T1 VD.

Amane: I see. Then, are the things that I as a twelve-year-old think irrelevant? Are you going to cast aside the feelings that I know I have in this very moment, purely based on the fact that I have not yet lived for a very long time? Judging these things based on someone’s age will not take you very far. Do I, at age twelve, not have my own will? Does Muu-san, at age 16, have more of a free will than I do? Does Yuno-san, at age 18, have more of a free will? Does Fuuta-san, at age 20, have an entirely free will?

It makes sense to me that she appreciates this, for most of her life it seems her wants and feelings are discarded and considered unimportant.

You might notice this makes Shidou's treatment of her worse. I'm so sorry Shidou but calling her actions a "temper tantrum" was one of the worst things he could of done in this situation. At this point if you get bitten by her it's on you.

(I wonder how much of Amane's hatred of Shidou is because of her cult and how much of it is because of this behavior. Thinking about the 050608 family parallels again...)

Really, no wonder she thinks nobody is like her. The only reason why I can make all these parallels is cause I have access to her magic mind MV and the rest of the material.

Kazui does not know how much Amane lies to protect herself. Amane doesn't know that Mahiru conflates love and pain together. She doesn't even know about Fuuta and Kotoko's crimes for justice! All these people she could relate to and she can't reach out to any of them.

Their so far away from her, it seemed fine in T1 but now the distance is so much bigger now. She's guilty, most of them are innocent, and the ones who are guilty are going through their own pains. Of course nobody is like her, she doesn't know anything about anybody here.

I’ve been in a kinda depressed mood lately when this thought came into mind, what would the characters feel/do after finding out that they’re on a one-sided relationship? -🦑

Hey squid anon! I know you asked this forever ago, but I hope you're feeling better anyway.

Jack: Jack feels very conflicted over the situation. On the one hand, he’s crushed more than he’ll even admit to himself over how things have turned out. On the other hand, he knows that sometimes, people will do anything in their own self-interest, and if you thought you could get something out of the relationship without having feelings, he can’t entirely judge you. He does wonder whether his flirtatious, insincere nature is the cause of it all in the first place—he has a hard time expressing genuine emotions, so the idea that you just didn’t know he actually cared for you crosses his mind. So does the idea that you’re taking the relationship as seriously as he could appear to be, which is to say, not much. (This is operating under the assumption that he still hasn’t been particularly vulnerable with you yet, that your relationship has stemmed mostly from flirting and physical intimacy.)

Will: Will is understandably very sad. He just doesn’t get why you would choose to be with him without loving him; there’s nothing he can really give you in terms of social standing or even just money, so there’s no true reason for the two of you to be together other than affection. He’s the type of person to let think of it as being his own fault, as not being enough for you. He probably puts in extra effort to get you to like him more, but seeing that it doesn’t work, he would quietly resign himself to his fate, unable to force himself to stop loving you, either. 

Elizabeth: Lizzie doesn’t quite understand. She’s tried so hard to be everything you could want, and it stings to know you don’t see her in that light. It’s part vanity — she likes to think she could seduce anyone — but she’s genuinely hurt that you decided to enter a relationship without actually liking her. She probably gets angry at you to protect herself from that pain, giving you the cold shoulder and ignoring you, telling you it’s what you wanted anyway whenever you decide to confront her about it. She never lets you see her cry, though she certainly does. 

James: Firstly, he’s crushed. He would never have expected you to enter a relationship with him if you didn’t want to, and the knowledge you felt obligated to be with him breaks his heart. He deliberates over whether or not to tell you that he knows how little you feel for him, but eventually decides it’s for the best, offering you the easiest, most graceful ways out he can find. He also tries to make you feel like it’s not your fault, that you’ve done nothing wrong, even though he’s agonizing over your lack of love. He wonders if it’s his own fault, if he could do things better, but is simultaneously terrified of trying harder and failing despite it all. 

Beckett: Honestly, the implications of this one scare me. He expects it, of course. Who could love him? That idea has been drilled into his head from childhood. Yet, having only ever held feelings for you (let’s be real), he’s livid with himself for allowing this sort of weakness. It reaffirms his belief that love is false and brings nothing but despair, and he does his best to shut off his feelings. He never tells you how he feels, instead twisting your relationship to his benefit as much as he can. 

Feel free to not answer this if you don’t want to or are uncomfortable but what would be a way for Tony to become sympathetic in your eyes? If you wrote Gunnerkrigg court what would you do with Tony?

I'm gonna try and put this into words as best I can, but it's difficult. I hope this makes sense.

Honestly, nobody crucify me for this, but... I think Tony is inherently sympathetic the way he is now? Like, all the basic ingredients to Tony's story make up someone I could very easily feel sorry for. I would not have an inherent problem with being asked to see him in shades of grey. I freely admit that he's been through a lot of pain in his life. It's just the execution that leaves me unhappy.

What I have a problem with is chapters like "Annie and the Fire," and especially "The Mind Cage." They're about as subtle as a brick in asking Annie, and especially the reader, to forgive Tony because he's been through a lot. No matter how many times we're told Tony's actions aren't excused by his pain, it doesn't disguise the transparent fact that the comic is asking us to excuse his actions and feel really, really bad for him. It reads like the author getting mad at us for interpreting his story "incorrectly," which really raises the reader's hackles, and for good reason.

I find it difficult to think of how I'd fix this - I'm sure people smarter than me have articulated it way better in the past. Let's begin with "Annie and the Fire." I don't have a problem with the reader being shown why Tony did everything that he did - and that he deeply regrets it - but I would probably remove the framing device where Donnie is purposefully showing Annie the conversation. I would rather have Annie somehow slipping her blinker stone into her dad's clothes or something and eavesdropping on him that way. Having Donnie specifically choose to show Annie "the other side" of Tony feels too much like apologism, no matter how much Donnie (and the author) try to convince us otherwise. And the idea of Donnie specifically trying to show this abused child that her dad isn't so bad after all leaves a really bad taste in my mouth, too, especially since Donnie was previously like, one of the sole reasonable adults in the entire comic, lol.

I would just erase "The Mind Cage." Like, entirely. No more "Mind Cage" period. That chapter is such a cringeworthy blunder in the comic's history. It is so obviously calculated to address reader backlash against Tony and the comic simply doesn't need it. On top of that, I would remove like, almost every reference to Tony's mind cage situation, I think. The concept that he can't talk to more than one person at once is so goddamn silly and poorly thought-out, and I say this as an autistic person with severe social anxiety myself. I will say that I do understand where Tom was coming from and what he was trying to do, I just think it was very poorly executed and comes across as so weird and borderline offensive to neurodivergent experiences. It's a no from me. Take it out.

At most, imply Tony's social difficulties through his actions. Rewrite the arc where Kat forgives him - don't just have it happening instantly and offscreen, which is so jarring and almost sickening after years of her being Annie's staunchest defender. And for god's sake don't have Annie expressing that she doesn't care what her dad does and will love him no matter what, frame this as an unambiguously good and cool thing, and have Jones, the impartial observer character, judge that this situation is fine actually.

Related note: "Get Lost" needs rewrites, too. Tony is simply not charming enough in that chapter to make us believe that Surma, and Kat, and everyone else, would be bamboozled by how cool and funny he is. He's just some dude. He's so bland, and so is his and Surma's romance. It's simply not believable. That chapter needs to be a slam dunk - it's pulling a lot of weight to convince the readers of a lot of things at once, and it's simply not working.

I think there is a fundamental problem that needs to be addressed before we deal with any of this: the comic is being written by an author that dislikes its main character and sees her as a spoiled child who deserves harsh punishment for her actions. This is in direct conflict with his readers, who have interpreted the story thus far as being about an abused and neglected kid who doesn't deserve any of the stuff that's happened to her, even if she's been cheating on her schoolwork and acting out a little. I believe Tom sees Tony's actions as at least a little justified because of this. If this wasn't the case, I think he would be more capable of writing the story in a way that readers would be more able to connect with and understand, rather than reacting with revulsion and confusion because, to us, he's depicting an abused child getting constantly knocked back down by her cruel father. Tom's biases are showing very clearly through his work, and he is not treating his story with the nuance it deserves, not anymore. I don't think there's any way to "fix" this, other than Tom having a come-to-Jesus moment, which is just not likely at this point, sad to say.

This obviously doesn't cover it all, not even close. It's just some rambling thoughts from me, and I hope they made at least a little sense. Thanks for this ask.

MY TOP 10 FAVOURITE EPISODES OF ‘XENA: WARRIOR PRINCESS’ AND WHY I LOVE THEM SO MUCH

(CONTAINS A LOT OF SPOILERS)

'Xena: Warrior Princess’ is a very influential, inspiring and impactful TV show for me. It is my favourite piece of art/entertainment of all-time and it is the backbone and foundation behind my entire philosophy as a human being on this planet. All the show is great, but it’s the episodes that have given me deep life lessons and helped me understand more about myself and the world around me that matter the most to me. I will give a lengthy explanation as to why each one of these specific favourite episodes in my TOP 10 mean so much to me or what it is about them it’s taught me that has made me a better and more evolved version of myself. There is 134 episodes all in all. From most favourite to least favourite, here are my TOP 10 most favourite episodes of 'Xena: Warrior Princess’ and why I love them so much.

1. S03E12: THE BITTER SUITE

‘The Bitter Suite’ is a musical episode. It combines my love for music and drama into one excellently written, produced, directed and composed episode of the show. But that’s not entirely the reason why it makes the very top of my list, although that’s a huge factor. ‘The Rift’ (as Xenites call it) between Xena and Gabrielle all throughout Season 3 is dealt with and put to rest in this episode. The writers use Yin and Yang and the polarities of love/hate, good/evil and peace/war to represent the importance of friendship, honesty, forgiveness and the ability to put someone you love and care about over yourself in their time of need despite whatever animosity you feel towards them due to past circumstances and situations that broke your heart. They use Yin and Yang several times in the show to give such strong and substantial messages, however, this time takes the winning spot for me. The friendship between Xena and Gabrielle is put to the ultimate test when they fall into this dimension of reality called ‘Illusia’. In this strange, whimsical and colourful place everything is designed to be expressed in song and theatrics. It’s such a clever, artistic and extremely thought-provoking episode. There is a lot it taught me that I unconsciously crafted into my own philosophy of life throughout the years. Also, it was the very first episode I ever saw of the show. They were airing Season 3 in the United Kingdom when I came across it at 5 years old in 1997. Its lessons have remained with me since then but I definitely understand it a lot better now I am a grown adult. If there was ever any episode that you should watch of Xena to introduce you to it… and you really don’t care about spoilers… make it this one. I promise you… you won’t regret it.

2. S03E14: FORGIVEN

‘Forgiven’ deals with the themes of forgiveness and redemption. As you may know, the entire concept to the show is about a Warrior Princess named Xena who fights for the good of mankind to redeem herself from her past sins and be forgiven by the world of which she caused immense damage and pain to. So redemption and forgiveness are the biggest and most reiterated themes and overall messages in the show. But never more so prominent and profound than in this episode. We meet a young girl named Tara that reminds Xena of how she used to be before she became an evil warlord. Lost and confused, hanging around the wrong people, doesn’t understand the difference between right and wrong. She picks a fight with Gabrielle to show Xena she’d make a better sidekick. Initially this girl really pissed me off. I thought she was very arrogant and well out of her league to think that she could replace Gabrielle in Xena’s life. But like Gabrielle, I warmed up to her when she crumbled down in tears and confessed that she hates the way she is and wants to change herself. Become a good person. Just as Gabrielle does in the episode, I judged her too quickly. She had a story that hit me hard due to the way I treated people in my own life. It was a real wake up call to me at the time. One I really needed cause gods know I couldn’t be reached otherwise. I was so far beyond real help.

There’s a line in the episode that has really stuck with me throughout the years and still is something I remind myself of even now as often as possible.

XENA: “You are what you do. You can recreate yourself every second of your life.”

3. S01E22: CALLISTO

‘Callisto’ is about a new character we meet late in Season 1. This character becomes the main antagonist of 'Xena: Warrior Princess’ and my favourite character besides the main two leads in the entire show. In the episode before it, ‘The Greater Good’, Xena gets shot in the neck with a poisoned dart and it is revealed to us in this episode who it was that targeted her. Now I don’t just want to talk about the character but also the actress that portrays her as well because that is a massive reason why this episode stands out so much to me over others in Season 1. Hudson Leick plays Callisto and delivers such a remarkable acting performance that gives her character layers and layers of depth, expression and personality. She’s easily on-par with the leads, if not better. I love watching her perform. She’s fantastic!

Excerpt taken from my character study thesis; Section 4: A dark heart is shadowed until the light shines in.

[The introduction of the character Callisto to the show adds a much heavier layer to what is already an overwhelming story of redemption, vengeance, love, forgiveness and balance, which are to me, the main themes in the show that are reiterated repeatedly as it progresses in writing, production and direction. Callisto becomes the main villain in the show, but she isn’t your run-of-the-mill evil villain. Oh, no, no, no. I like to think of Callisto as more of an antagonist than a villain. She has an extremely complicated storyline of her own that inexplicably ties in with Xena’s because Xena murdered her family, or so that’s what she adamantly believes. It’s hard to explain or understand just how much this character is an integral reason for Xena’s reformation from being an evil warlord to a heroine for good, and how the consequences of her dark past have really screwed Callisto up and turned her into, for lack of a better word, a psychopath who is absolutely bent on destroying everything that makes Xena who she is. Starting with her reputation, and eventually escalating to the people she loves and cares about in all the world. This character is so crucial to ‘Xena: Warrior Princess’, that there is never any way to stop her even when she dies. She’s that dedicated to ruining Xena and Gabrielle’s lives. Callisto doesn’t just want to kill Xena. She wants to kill her soul because that is what Xena has done to her. It’s hard to think of Callisto as any kind of villain because you develop such sympathy for her throughout all her appearances in the show. She’s so messed up in the head that you just don’t think of her as an evil person, just an extremely depressed and misunderstood one. What happens to her, in the end, is something that needed to happen, and I was unbelievably happy did. She did terrible things, but she needed the opportunity to be saved and forgiven as Xena did, and fortunately, the show’s producers gave her the ending she deserved.

This leads me on to what happens when Callisto meets Xena face to face for the first time in the late Season 1 episode, titled ‘Callisto’, and how Gabrielle plays a part in stopping Xena from crumbling down in guilt and regret and letting her go because of it once they captured her. Xena doesn’t blame Callisto for how she ended up, knowing that it was her own fault she became that way in the first place. Even if she didn’t mean for her family to be killed in the fire her own men started against her orders all those years ago in ‘Cirra’, Callisto’s hometown, she still felt solely responsible for the consequences that followed.

There is a very important scene, which I call ‘The Promise’ scene, from this episode where Gabrielle asks Xena to promise her that if anything happened to her in their travels together, that she would not turn away from her path of atonement, and rampage like a raving blood-lusted lunatic the way Callisto was. You see for the first time Xena’s vulnerability and struggle with sensitivity. She was finding it so difficult to cry in front of Gabrielle. She tries to send her off to bed before she could see the tears streaming down her face, but Gabrielle wasn’t having it. She made sure she promised her, and that she was sincere with the words. She sees the tears and tries to brush them away from her face. Xena immediately turns away from her and tells her to go to bed, but she doesn’t move. Gabrielle just sits there by her side sharing her pain and accepting her for who she is now, which I find extremely powerful and beautiful. Xena has probably never encountered acceptance like that in her life before, or she wasn’t paying enough attention to see it. The fact that Gabrielle refuses to leave her must have thrown her off. She left herself unguarded for the very first time in her life in front of this young woman. As the flickering flames danced before them, illuminating their faces, we see the Warrior Princess’ walls down for the very first time. The Bard had succeeded in bringing out her sensitive side, if only just for a moment. This would be the beginning of a transformation so intense, it would completely change Xena’s personality and mindset forevermore. Love and forgiveness would be her saving grace, and the beautiful soul sat across from her would be the reason why it happened at all.]

Furthermore, in this episode we also meet Joxer, who becomes the main comic relief in the entire show and gave Gabrielle the chance to be taken seriously as a character instead of the “irritating blonde”, as she’s so often called by other characters in the show, much to my distaste. So because of the introduction of two incredible recurring characters, especially Callisto, this episode ranks high on my list.

4. S05E02: CHAKRAM

‘Chakram’ goes back to the Yin and Yang representation of the show. They use it as the main plotline of the episode in that there is a Light and Dark chakram and the plot was to retrieve the chakram of Light from the temple of the Tao because Xena has always had the Dark chakram and it broke earlier in the show. It’s one of the many episodes in the entire show where the character Ares: The God Of War represents Xena’s Dark side and Gabrielle Xena’s Light side. But this time with a little bit of a twist, as it is Gabrielle that directs Xena back to her Dark side again due to Xena having lost her sense-of-self and the memories of who she was in her past after the both of them were crucified at the end of Season 4 and were brought back to life again through another new character in the show, Eli, at the start of Season 5. This episode means a lot to me because it really clarifies how important it is to have balance in your life and in yourself. A balance of Light and Dark to really understand both and be whole with everything you are as a soul. All that makes you you.

There is a really great scene in the episode, that’s probably my favourite scene, where Xena is praying to some kind of deity, most likely the ‘One God’ of Eli’s religion. It is never revealed who or what exactly she’s praying to but Gabrielle notices and is concerned about her because Xena won’t defend herself when she is attacked anymore, nor does she remember anything violent or negative about herself and her past. Xena questions her whether they’re doing the right thing in restoring her darkness and how that could even be a good thing to do. Gabrielle replies in such a way that is very philosophical and wise that you don’t hear from her in quite awhile in the show. She says “I think it’s vital. I know that sounds strange, coming from me. I think you have to know the darkest part of yourself to be whole.” Xena exclaims back “But this way, I harm no one!” Gabrielle counters “But Xena, what about the people who harm others? Xena, you have this balance of lightness and darkness. Without both of those, the very best in you is defenceless.“ That scene and that dialogue helped me to realize something amazing about myself and the way I look at everything negative I do as something that takes away from who I am as a soul. But really it’s just giving the way to the rise of something much more positive and helping me to understand myself better and recognize the importance of polarity and the teachings of Yin and Yang. It’s a meaningful and motivating episode to me because it represents what I call ‘The Grey Area’ in the best way that I could never explain myself. 

Also, Xena gets a cool new and improved chakram with the Yin-Yang design when she neutralises the Light and Dark chakrams together, which brings her back to her former self again, so that was awesome too. I love the way they did this episode so much. I especially love that both lead characters evolved because of the need to be there for each other. The need to protect and defend one another. That’s precisely what their relationship is fundamentally about and they hit it on the nail with this episode. Who said Season 5 didn’t show the love between them? Look deeper. The love is there, it’s just not in the way that you expect. It’s in the themes represented. It’s in the fundamental message that someone that cares about you has to put aside what scares them about you and do what’s best for you.

5. S02E15: A DAY IN THE LIFE

‘A Day In The Life’ is a comedy episode that centers around Xena and Gabrielle’s average day of fighting for the innocent. Now while this episode is highly regarded in the fanbase because of the hilarious things Xena and Gabrielle do to each other to affectionately aggravate one another that drives them both crazy like a squabbling old married couple, it’s also got a very inspiring moral to it at the same time. That you do not need to make yourself the victim in thinking of yourself as unworthy or unappealing to the one you love, and that you have your own strength to fight your own battles and don’t necessarily need someone to defend or protect you all the time. You see, in this episode you are introduced to a couple, Minya and Hower, that fall into somewhat of an estranged relationship when Hower falls in love with Xena as soon as he meets her. Hower is the first person of the couple you get to know, but when you meet Minya, you find out she’s a big fan of the Warrior Princess, but begins to view her with disgust and jealousy when she realizes her boyfriend is attracted to her. Xena and Gabrielle, while occupied with their own married couple problems, have to sort this out and make it clear to Hower that he has no chance with Xena. Xena gives some advice to Minya on how to handle men and she becomes this strong, independent and extremely confident woman that knocks a warlord to his feet that impresses Hower and she no longer feels victimised by him or anyone else. This ignites the flame in their relationship again and Xena and Gabrielle learn to overcome their own differences in the meanwhile because of being inspired to by them.

Furthermore, Xena, the brilliant strategic thinker she is, finds a way to kill two birds with one stone by stopping both an army and defeating a giant. There is this cute little moment in the middle of the episode where she tells Gabrielle that by defeating the giant Gareth, she will be repaying an old friend back from having to fight against him for ‘The Greater Good’, which ultimately led to his death. I thought that was very endearing. It’s a great episode. Funny, yet has a lot of substance to it. At least to me it does. It’s definitely my favourite comedy episode in the entire show and it is another great introductory episode to come to know the comedy and campy side of Xena because Xena isn’t dramatic and serious all the time and that’s part of its charm as a 90’s show. 

6. S04E07: LOCKED UP AND TIED DOWN

‘Locked Up And Tied Down’ has Xena dealing with the justification for her regretful past. She is convicted and tried for a murder she committed to a young woman years ago, that has only just seemed to follow her up now. I thought that was quite weird at first, but it’s explained why later on. The build-up of the episode has her boarding a boat shackled in chains and leaving a grief-stricken Gabrielle behind to carry out her sentence: life imprisonment on Shark Island. Gabrielle follows her, of course, and tries to free her while masquerading as the new healer for the prisoners. It is here the sudden event of Xena’s conviction begins to make sense, as Gabrielle discovers that the person Xena, apparently, murdered, is the one who condemned her. It’s an episode where the empathetic ways of Gabrielle transform someone into finding their power and peace again, the way she has done for Xena.

Meanwhile, the opposite is happening to Xena. She feels an immense amount of contempt in herself for all the horrible things she’s done. She’s so disgusted with herself, that she takes accountability for any kind of punishment or chore any of the prisoners are given while on Shark Island, along with her own. For me, that was an extremely painful thing to watch. My hero literally just giving up everything, including Gabrielle, because she hated herself. It was awful to watch how she just let the guards order and push her around like that and have all authority over her. But as painful and awful as it was to watch, it made me understand that forgiving yourself isn’t easy when your past sins follow you around and weigh you down when you’re trying to climb back up in your life. It’s not justice to just feel remorse for what you’ve done. You have to pay for those sins and accept the consequences of the pain and damage you’ve caused to others. You don’t get a free pass just because you believe you’ve repented for your sins. Others make that decision for you. Which means redemption is not earned and can’t be. It’s decided by others. It’s not a nice lesson to learn, but it is an important and realistic one. What’s more is you need to stop seeing yourself as a victim, because nobody is going to have mercy on you if you’ve done wrong. You have to own up to your crimes and deal with the consequences of your own actions. It’s a very dark, twisted and dramatic episode, but that’s just the kind of TV that I love to watch. That’s why this episode is one of my absolute favourites. This show is not afraid to tell the truth of the darkness of its themes or let the leads off for doing questionable things, unlike 'Hercules: The Legendary Journeys’, and because of it, it is far superior to it in writing, directing and acting.

7. S06E02: THE HAUNTING OF AMPHIPOLIS 

‘The Haunting Of Amphipolis’ sees Xena, Gabrielle and the newly reformed daughter of Xena, Eve, go back to Xena’s hometown after over 25 years to find that something has gone terribly wrong. Xena’s mother, Cyrene, is dead and the entire town has been wrecked and abandoned. There is a great evil that has permeated it and wreaked havoc that turned it into a hell hole of death, torture, pain, grief and just outright carnage. 'Xena: Warrior Princess’ finally gets a HORROR story. My favourite producer, Sam Raimi, who executive produces the show along with Rob Tapert, had a lot to do with this episode and you can tell because it’s his sort of episode. His creative area of expertise. Horror, just without the comedy, although there is some well-hidden dark humour in there that only an enthusiast of the original Evil Dead film series will pick up. And I am somewhat of a fan.

Okay, so I’m cheating a bit here. This episode isn’t really all that inspiring or really teaches you anything of any importance whatsoever. It’s just… I love horror basically, and I was waiting for Xena to have some sort of episode where they show blood, guts and gore since it’s done every other genre known to man. If you read my writing about my favourite art/entertainment, you would know what I’m like with begging creators to incorporate versatility. It’s a big drawing card for me when it comes to art/entertainment. There’s not much else to say. There’s a lot of weirdness, disturbing and creepy crap that goes on in it that is right up my alley. It makes my TOP 10 because it’s just something that I enjoy watching and suits my passions for TV media in general. It’s my niche. There’s no moral or message of significance. Honestly, I am just a sick person who loves watching sick stuff. So there you have it. It is an acquired taste and not for the faint-hearted, so I probably wouldn’t recommend watching this one if you do not like or are not familiar with horror. It’s a great one to watch for Halloween though, which I’m sure was the intent behind creating and airing it.

Oh, and Xena finally teaches Gabrielle ‘The Pinch’. One of Xena’s trademarks in her “I have many skills” repertoire. Or at least she teaches her how to take ‘The Pinch’ off. Good enough for me. Xena teaches her everything she knows in the end anyway.

8. S01E24: IS THERE A DOCTOR IN THE HOUSE?

‘Is There A Doctor In The House?’ finds our heroines, Xena and Gabrielle, in the middle of an ongoing civil war between the Mitoans and the Thessalians. They end up bumping into a friendly face in the name of Ephiny, an Amazon in Gabrielle’s tribe, who is extremely pregnant and about ready to have her baby. They capture a Mitoan commander and take refuge in a Thessalian temple where the wounded, sick and dying are being treated. This episode is very upsetting. To cut to the chase: SPOILER ALERT! Gabrielle dies. Not only do you get to see Xena’s impressive demonstrations of medical aid, surgery and respiratory reparation, but you also come to see the incredible influence Gabrielle has had on her life throughout Season 1. Xena showcases such vulnerability, compassion and even fear while begging and pleading for Gabrielle to wake up. She absolutely crumbles down in emotion the likes you’ve never seen from her in the show thus far, and you realize that this adventurous and naive young woman she helped on to the back of her horse, Argo, not too long ago, has had an unbelievable effect on her mindset and personality. She has fallen completely in love with her and her ways of empathy and understanding of ‘The Greater Good’ and she just can’t let her go peacefully. She demands for her to return to the land of the living, screaming “Don’t leave me! DON’T LEAVE ME!”. Through much persistence and determination Xena’s remarkable medical and healing skills somehow miraculously bring her back to life again. Don’t ask me how, she just does it, and Xena claims it’s entirely Gabrielle’s doing. I disagree. I think it was Xena that achieved that feat because her love for Gabrielle guided her efforts. Their relationship reaches even greater heights. At least from Xena’s point of view it does. 

Elsewhere in the episode, before that dramatic and climactic ending, that I also thought was a great addition to the theme, we go back to Ephiny and watch her talk with the Mitoan general named Marmax, who the Amazon has been put in his care. Ephiny has developed a hatred for the Mitoans because they killed her husband, but is able to tolerate Marmax because she wanted him to understand something about hatred. That the war has to end somewhere for their children’s sake. She challenges him by asking “Is bloodshed all you want them to know?” and the scene cuts out. I thought that was very powerful and it made me appreciate the episode all the more. This episode inspired me a lot and makes it on my TOP 10 because of it.

9. S02E20: THE PRICE

‘The Price’ is an episode about understanding what it means to be human and the price you pay if you’re ignorant to the truth because you’re blinded by hatred and anger. Xena and Gabrielle stumble into dangerous waters and come across The Horde. Xena remembers this barbaric tribe from when they annihilated her army sometime after the Battle of Corinth. She doesn’t have any understanding or knowledge on them other than what she knows from her past when she was the Destroyer of Nations, and claims they have no will other than to kill everything and anything they come into awareness with. They pick up a wounded soldier in their canoe and bring him into the Athenian Army battlement camp while the war still rages on. Xena becomes ruthless whenever she has an army around her and something to hate and direct her anger at and Gabrielle never likes or accepts it. While Xena is taking command of the Athenian Army to try to destroy The Horde by any means she can, Gabrielle is tending to the wounded in an old armoury unit where there are no doctors or healers and she takes the initiative to be the lead nurse to care for those who are dying and need help. This is where you come to see that Xena cannot stay on the right path for herself and would easily just as go back to her dark days if not for Gabrielle’s hold on her guilty conscience. Gabrielle argues with Xena that maybe The Horde want something and if they had it, they would leave them alone. Or maybe they could find common ground if they learn to understand their ways first. Gabrielle finds the answer when Xena captures one of them and she’s ladling water right next to the tied up Horde. He was breathlessly repeating “Kaltaka”, which is what all the dying Horde chant endlessly on the battlefield. She previously believed it was the name of their god and it was the clue she needed. It translated to water. They just wanted water because the Athenians poisoned the rivers. They didn’t want to fight anymore, they were just desperate for a way to keep themselves alive. Gabrielle defies Xena and goes out into the battlefield to feed the dying Horde weaponless and The Horde crowd around her but don’t hurt her. They notice she was just trying to help. Through this act of kindness towards the opposing side Xena comes to her senses and realizes she’s wrong about them. She goes back to the captured Horde and experiments with her newfound theory that maybe they have a code of conduct that is in common with her own. A Warrior’s Code. She understands him and releases him. Then she goes out to fight The Horde Leader who is the one causing all the trouble for the tribe and defeats him. As she’s walking away with her back turned to the entire Horde tribe, they raise their bows and arrows and Gabrielle screams out “LOOK OUT!”. They don’t target Xena. They target The Horde Leader who was screaming in anguish at being defeated. Xena was now their leader by defeating their previous leader. That was their Warrior’s Code. No real difference to the Amazons, an indigenous tribe they knew so well and wore just as much war paint.

The message is self-explanatory: Don’t judge a person by their race, religion, language, culture, colour, sexuality, gender, or by what you ignorantly think you know about them without getting to know or understand them. You risk losing your humanity.

10. S01E02: CHARIOTS OF WAR

‘Chariots Of War’ is about compliance and expectations from relationships that affects our choices and perceptions of reality. Xena gets herself caught up in a situation where she’s trying to stop these two warlords ravaging a settlement where a community of villagers were trying to build a new home for themselves and Xena takes an arrow to the chest and faints. A single father takes her into his home and cares for her because she saved his young son from being crushed by the newly built settlement that one of the warlords pulled down. While injured, Xena learns of this family’s plight and tries to put it right for them, promising not to use violence to do it, obeying the wishes of the one who took her in who does not want another war. She becomes very affectionate with the father and his family and finds it a struggle to leave them because of it. 

Meanwhile, Gabrielle meets one of the warlords in the inn she takes refuge in because a smelly and disgusting drunk keeps hitting on her. She tells a lie that she already has a boyfriend and he is with them in the inn. To prove it, a bold as brass Bard walks right up to this warlord and complete stranger and kisses him on the mouth and requests that he pretends he knows her to keep away from the horny drunks. They start a conversation about what they do and the warlord, who’s name is Sphaerus, tells her that he works for his father, but he makes him do things he doesn’t like and doesn’t want to do and this insightful conversation between them happens that I really love and relate to myself…

GABRIELLE: “My mother always wanted me to get married and have kids. And I remember telling her that I’d always be grateful for the way that she raised me, but she couldn’t expect me to pay for that with my future.”  

SPHAERUS: “That’s very insightful.”

GABRIELLE: “It’s a gift. Well, anyway, I came to a point in my life when I had to make a choice and I thought about who I really was, and I made it.”

I’ve written an entire article about this that was inspired by this episode and this is a piece of that article where I explain the moral to the episode because, for me, that’s part of the reason why this episode is so damn brilliant and one of the best.

[The moral to this episode is about what is expected of us to comply to by our family, our employment, our sociality and our romantic relationships and trying to apply it to who we are, how we choose to view reality and how we live by our own perceptions. I tend to think the more we empathise with the people that love or care about us and that we love and care about, the better our relationships become. The reason why I think this is because you can only walk a mile in someone’s shoes once you have begun to understand them… But that doesn’t mean you should take on their beliefs… their perceptions… or their lifestyle. You have your own to live by, and that’s how it should be. What you believe in and what lifestyle you choose to live by is what is your truth. And no one should take that away from you. Not even those closest to you.]

Another reason I love it is because the writer, Josh Becker, did something very clever with it in setting up the idea of Xena and Gabrielle being each other’s Yin and Yang before they even realize that for themselves. And he does it by using none other than their MALE COUNTERPARTS and LOVE INTERESTS. It is ingenious writing and something you will only pick up on with multiple rewatches of the show.

—————————————————————————–

That’s my TOP 10 favourite episodes of 'Xena: Warrior Princess’. It’s probably not the list that you were expecting since Gabrielle is my favourite character. You would think I would go with Gabrielle-centric episodes. But when it’s your favourite show, you don’t necessarily care about how much screen-time your favourite character has or hasn’t. What you care about is how well your favourite character is integrated into each episode and there is a lot of episodes that are extremely well written in character representation and development so it’s not a factor.

I’ve already written a hell of a lot so I’ll just end it briefly. Thank you for reading. I hope you check the show out for yourselves if you haven’t seen it and come to love it as much as I do. And if you’ve already watched the show all the way through once or more, what is your TOP 10 favourite episodes? Feel free to express why as I have done. I’d love to know how this show has impacted you the way it has impacted me.

Thank you.

- Girl4Music 

What happened with: Maybe we could figure it out together? [Thoughts after S02E06]

My impressions of the story that I loved so much and that destroyed me so emotionally.

Yes, the second series is brilliant outside - great acting, visuals, music, epic finale. Yeah, it's beautiful at first and I can understand so much excitement and ovations about how great it is. But… when I look at the first series and compare it to the second, there are so many things missing. Damn it!

First season had soul, the creators focused mostly on the characters, on their growth, on emotions, on details, on the play of colors. For example, the scene in the Citadel and the conversation between Sylvie and Loki… absolutely breathtaking scene that they turned into a farce in the second series. (When HWR had erased Sylvie from the scene it was so gross it almost made me jump out of my chair.) At what point did a show that was about two people and their journey become a show about one person? What happened with "You go. I go.", "Maybe… maybe we could figure it out together."?

Why did Marvel put out a novelization confirming their feelings for each other, all that unspoken words, if they didn't want to work with that relationship properly in the second season? The relationship between those two was the heart of the entire first season. Yes, Loki was looking for Sylvie… yes, he was looking at her with his sad puppy eyes every time he saw her… but so what… for what? If they never once discussed about things - what happened, about their feelings, anything about them at all? And at the end, out of the blue, "I'm doing it for you"… but all the time without you.

They use his love for her to learn to control the slippage, to work things out, to sacrifice everything for her and for his friends. But when has Loki ever had time to truly be friend anyone other than Mobius? Yeah, they were dealing with the same problem, but before his "rewriting the story", those people were almost strangers to him… and he sits there with Sylvie at the bar and tells her that he's all about his friends… where some deeper relationship is pulled out of absolutely nowhere.

They both mutually think the other doesn't need the other in their lives anymore, and the way Loki handles everything on his own makes it seem that way. Still, it's Sylvie who makes him start to change why he does what he does along the way. So why wasn't there a scene where he finally fills her in properly on all of this? Why did they show us that he "trying everything" at the Citadel when it didn't seem like that at all, and make Sylvie out to be some obsessed murderess who can't see or hear what's going on around her? Why were there so many allusions to enchantment when they never used it to allow Sylvie to finally fully understand Loki? And I can think of more and more questions like that! I don't even want to imagine what the "real memories" Loki left in Sylvie's head after all this.

I also don't understand how they made the main female character a completely peripheral character that they clearly didn't know how to handle or lead. They had her thrown in for a twist here and there, but otherwise they had her there for decoration? Such an interesting character that they turned into a looped figure that doesn't understand what's going on. A side character who just stood on the sidelines for nothing? The girl was a goddess, just like Loki, so what the hell? That's how untapped the potential is. It was a pain to watch and especially in the finale. Sophia, I'm really sorry. You and Sylvie deserved so much better. That mysogyny was disgusting.

I really tried to take all the episodes with a grain of salt, expecting that there was surely a reason… that everything would somehow become clear, that I couldn't judge without the whole context… but the whole picture just confirmed to me that the creators were just pushing the story and the characters into situations that absolutely missed the fundamentals of the first series.

Yes, it could have had exactly the ending it had, if it had to be. But the path should have been different. Why does he have close people around him and then he is alone in everything? I stand by the fact that this should have been handled by both of them. That they should have either ended up there "at the end of time" together or they should have given them some kind of goodbye, a scene where they talk about it, where Loki tells her he doesn't want her to go there with him, that he wants her to live (like when it was in NWH between Peter and MJ, for example, when he told her what was going on, what he had to do and they dealt with it together) or a scene where Sylvie was free to make her own decision. She should have been able to decide and have a say in all of this.

For me, this build-up was unprecedentedly cruel to them from start to finish. I have to say that the ending made me cry, and I can count on one hand the number of times I've cried at a movie or TV show. This completely destroyed me, how long nothing. What was it supposed to give me? No matter what I do, it will never be enough? Will I have to lose everything I want and live with my biggest fears forever? Or?

So… in summary, if you're all about the epic story and not the characters and real relationships, you'll probably be thrilled… otherwise, you might have the same mixed feelings as I did. I know that Marvel is no soap opera… but they often present love and relationships in a very painful way, I get really sick of it sometimes. It's not always about epic twists and sacrifices…

I'm still here. I love Sylki, I love Tom and Sophia. But the second season hurts like hell. I don't even know if I want to see it again. To be honest, I don't even know how to deal with it. Is there any hope? Who knows… it's getting harder and harder to hope.

saw your thread on valentino and am curious how you would have written him instead (sorry if you have already answered this). Make his abusive actions more subtle? Take more time in establishing his relationship to the other v's so we see that he wears different masks? I wont get into it, but ive been through stuff in the past and i personally am conflicted on how I would (re)write the val character. The problems outside of the show are a different animal entirely (with twitter/the storyboard person), I'm just talking like in the show itself.

He does seem completely different from Episode 4 to Episode 6 (in the cases he is talking with Angel) so there must be something off with his consistency.

I guess for me Im trying to identify what the major mistakes are (of his charcter) and how the show could have handled them better. I doubt there's a consensus since we all experience it differently, but it's a very interesting topic.

Sorry for taking so long!

TW: RAPE/SA/ABUSE

God writing him! Could go so many ways (sorry for bad English btw)

A really basic idea! :

I personally would've taken the manipulative asshole at once. I think it is important to tell audiences going through something in the past, present, or future, how manipulation happens. Instead of taking, he is too stupid to do so. Many people that are or had being manipulated question themselves about this treatment so much. People don't need to be mastermind to be like this

I think of having the opportunity of having Angel's perspective vs Charlie! I hated they wrote Charlie as knowing what happen but never did anything? I think of having Angel by that point in the relationship where he is coming back to Val even if he constantly realizes how awful he is. Many people constantly judge the position (usually woman) coming back to an awful ex. Even r-pe victims can go thought this and face so much judgment cause people don't understand your actual state of mind nor your situation. Coming back to an abusive person never deletes their abuse. But when Charlie comes in, she meets someone who acts so nice and charming, specially to her being a princess. Which others in hell don't seem to do- thinking Angel is in good hands, making Angel feel more trapped.

Also, coming to Angel, I deal with Hypersexuality due to being a victim as well-. I believe is a really gross way of showing it. Hypersexuality doesn't equal saying cum all the time and sexually harassing others, it's a lot of unwanted thought, guilt, and feeling gross at your self. It is not something to double down on, it's something you shouldn't feel like it's your fault- indulging, without help, makes it worse for you.

Obcioulsy more than just that. Like Val making Angel feel like is worth comes from being under him, feeling like there is nowhere else to go. But again some small stuff, there are many others who their main thing is writing, many better people to ask!

Really basic, really. I'm not going to spend the little writing skills I have on this, sorry! But it was a nice ask anon!

Just a really basic idea.

There are many better writers than me out there! Search for their stuff! I mainly just like complaining than rewriting! I also recommend real stories like biographys of victims of abuse themselves if you want to read some real stuff.

Ty, for being so respectful!

Reluctantly, I have decided to close my blog. I have unwittingly found myself in an uncomfortable situation that I could very well have overcome, but it has made me think more about the kind of society I am living in and so here I am with my final choice. I never wanted to talk about this on a page dedicated to Yamcha, but the situation evidently calls for it and so I have to say my piece before saying goodbye. I will certainly have made my errors of judgment, some things I surely took lightly and for that I apologize, but I personally believe there is nothing worse than human superficiality. Of course, in some ways I too have been shallow in making poorly reasoned choices, but now I understand and I will avoid making the same mistake in my future. However, this does not motivate me to stay here. The problem is broader than you think, because indirectly I have been labeled as the person I am not, and I just don't like that. I don't like being in a place where there is no dialogue, where everything is taken for granted and especially where at the slightest mistake you are automatically a shitty person. I have only recently noticed that someone have been talking about me through the grapevine, and believe me, if I had been more careful, I would have fixed things much sooner. However, this does not change the substance. There is nothing more sad in judging a person by appearances. This is just cowardice, because if you really want a better and cleaner world, the first thing you have to do is not to erase the problem, but to solve it. You can't go anywhere without confrontation, and I'm really sorry that you decided on the most useless path of all, because I believed so much that all of us together could create something beautiful and positive, but evidently I was wrong. I believe that today incommunicability is the most terrible plague of all, and unfortunately it is a problem that persists not only here on tumbrl, but in the world in general. It is now easier to cancel than to improve, and this attitude is not so different from the one you so criticize. I would have loved to talk about it for a better ending, but that's the way it went, and in a way I thank you, because now I realize not only that I need to be more careful about how I talk, but more importantly that I need really human people by my side, and not fake champions of humanity. I am really tired. I am not the type to give up on things, I am very stubborn and inside of me I would like to stay to continue my/our mission, but I am really disappointed and this unfortunately affects my inspiration.

Ironically, an analysis I would have liked to make was precisely on the main problem that haunts Yamcha: superficiality. Now I don't want to compare the two situations, but I think it's a perfect example of how it really only takes nothing to screw everything up.

I would have liked to talk about the moment when Yamcha dies against the Saibaman. It is the most fatal moment of all, because from there on his reputation changes and unfortunately he will never be the same in the eyes of many. Oh, by the way: he has always been great to me, there was no need to point that out just to find one more excuse to get me out of the way. Anyway, what I want to say is that Yamcha died because of a simple error of judgment that then compromised his entire existence. Never mind that he was Goku's first rival, the first to cut off his tail, never mind that he was the second to learn kamehameha, the heart's savior, the one who always took care of everyone, before and after his death. None of this matters. People only care that during that fight he was "stupid, cocky, careless and ridiculous". They are so focused on that shit that they didn't even realize that actually Yamcha was smart and cunning, but most of all loyal and valiant, because he actually understood the dangerousness of the saibaman and wanted to protect at all costs his friend Krillin who had already died once. In short, Yamcha had all the best intentions, but he was not understood. Surely he should have been more careful, but he is human and humans also exist to make mistakes. The important thing is not to fall into the same mistake again and to improve when you are wrong. Currently I feel exactly like Yamcha. I really did my best for him and for anyone who wanted to give him a chance. I've written a lot, I've spent my time writing about him, since he can't be talked about enough, and instead of getting support from those who love him, I've been blocked because, in a way, I underestimated a situation. It hurts me tremendously to realize that all my work has been screwed up because of one thing for which I apoligize again. I also felt connected to Yamcha because of that. This character is really valuable and I wanted to do everything to make him stand out, but in the end the saibaman won and what is left is just Yamcha dead on the crater. The rest doesn't matter. He can work his ass off all he wants, he will always remain scum.

I was here to change this idea that many people have about him, but I can't go on knowing that a Yamcha fan had the same attitude with me. We could have talked about it and finally we could have even collaborated, but you preferred to latch onto my mistake and ignore all the good I tried to do in this month for him. Because, I remind you, we had a common purpose: to help Yamcha and all those who feel like him. Well, I have now felt like him and as much as I know I have support, I can't stay. I can't accept this situation and unfortunately this is a limitation of mine. So I'll leave you in other hands, because if there's one positive thing I've noticed, it's that Yamcha's fans exist and can always increase. I apologize to everyone who has followed me with pleasure, because you are wonderful people, but I have to say goodbye. Your support has been the best part of this experience and I swear I will never forget it.

At the end of the story, always remember to love earthlings and Yamcha. Remember to defend him when during a conversation among friends someone will say that he is poor and useless, because it is like defending yourself against the injustices of life. Just as I am doing now. Remember what he did for Goku during his illness, for Trunks and Vegeta, for Bulma, Krillin, Tien and us. Remember how much his kindness lent a touch of humanity to Dragon Ball, and remember above all that even when he lies in that humiliating crater, Yamcha does not stop being a great character.

Thank you for everything. I will keep the blog active only for my analysis. I wrote them from the heart and don't want them to go into oblivion. They could help anyone. Goodbye.

Things About the Latest Event I Really Like

Spoilers for Part 2 of the Event!!!

Part 1

I notice that Rollo isn’t showing disgust just to the fae. There were a few moments where he put up his handkerchief when the previous speakers were not anyone from Diasomnia. The one scene I recall was when the others were talking about the festival in the school’s plaza, specifically the outfits. Ruggie mentions how the festival was the one time those in poverty could wear such fancy clothes, and Rollo puts up the handkerchief over that statement. See that he doesn’t just have racism against fae but that he also has his prejudices against the poor, a prejudice Frollo has also shown.

It’s pretty cute how Trein gets along with Rollo, considering the characters they’re inspired from are both around similar ages. It’s like Trein sensed a kindred spirit in him.

Malleus mistaking the gargoyle for a grotesque until Azul, Silver, and Sebek pointed out the nest in its mouth was so adorable 🥺 I also love how it’s a nod to one of the opening scenes in the movie, where the gargoyle spat out an entire nest in its mouth.

Azul noticing the gargoyle moving!! You know, that gargoyle got a sprite, that bitch better move 😩 My delusional mind also had a thought that Azul being the one to hear the gargoyle move when the others didn’t made me think, “Damn, does this show he has more sensitive hearing thanks to his past experience with music 😳??”

Speaking of the gargoyles, the indication that they’re gonna move implies that they may be the very same gargoyles from the movie itself. So in that case, does it mean that they know what truly happened with Quasimodo and Judge Frollo? How do they feel about knowing that Frollo is the one praised as the Righteous Judge?

Floyd and Jade being very upset that Azul was picked to go with him being very smug about it was so funny and wholesome 😂 I love their friendship so much.

On Jade and Floyd not being able to go, I’m honestly really really happy to get this opportunity to see Azul being his own person that’s outside of being with the twins 🥺 Like, up till now, Azul has always been with the twins. You see this in events: All of Octavinelle got Beans Day cards, Camp Azul and Camp Jade were together, Halloween Azul and Halloween Jade were in one event. Fan content especially loves depicting Azul with the twins, occasionally to the point that it feels like people think Azul is nothing without them. 😭 Which,, is not the case. He’s such a complex character with his own rich lore It’s one of the reasons why I also really love chapter 6—you get to see Azul as how he is without having the twins by his side. But even then, it was in a stressful situation. Here, we just see Azul in a more lax scene. Like, oh my God, I'll ramble about it in the part 2 section of this post. But I'm just so happy to see Azul without the twins and everything.

Misc.

Putting this between part 1 and 2 because this is the entire reason why I even made this post.

One of Azul's idle lines stated that he finds Rollo to be naive. It's a pretty interesting detail because I think this is one of the few times that we really get to see Azul reading people. Take note: Most of people's first impressions of Rollo was that he was very polite and hospitable, which was observations on the way he welcomes them. However, Azul's first impression is how Rollo is naive.

Here's what makes me so attached to this bit. The way Azul judges people, he tends to use generalizations and their patterns to read their character. Most of the time, he turns out to be correct or partially so. And with Rollo, it's very likely that Azul's judgment of him is not wrong. While we still don't know Rollo well yet, we can deduce how his personality might go based on the characters of Frollo and Quasimodo. Frollo isn't naive at all—he's killed and burnt Paris down with full intent. He's more of blinded to his own pride, that he thinks that he's the one who's above everyone. Quasimodo, on the other hand, is naive—his only teacher has been Frollo, who would teach him that the world outside is cruel. And the gargoyles? Well, they have their own wisdom, but it doesn't enrich Quasimodo's experience very much.

I'm not saying that Azul's judgment of him may be entirely correct. Again, he does generalize people, so he may not obtain the full picture. But calling Rollo naive isn't wrong either. It's likely that Rollo thinks of himself as correct, but he doesn't have an enriched perspective since he doesn't keep an open mind. If that makes sense?

Part 2 (under the cut)

Hope you're ready, this part is very delicious for me.

First off, my heart is so warm over the scene in Malleus' part where Jamil teased Trein. They visited this underwater waterway (aka the Court of Miracles in the movie), and Jamil teases him that he's probably taken his wife out on a date to the area. Obviously, this gets Trein flustered, but the other students also get really curious. Like . ok, with all the magical adventures that we end up in and all the trauma that is spilled, sometimes I forget that the cast is in high school. But that moment just . reminded me that our boys are high school boys 😭 everyone's such a teenager. It's honestly so so cute, like we really don't get to see them being this casual or such teases, but like look at them 😭 Jamil,, Jamil of all people teasing his own prof about his love life, it is so cute.

The way Jamil and Riddle even tease Sebek when he accidentally drank black coffee 😭 it is so cute how they jumped in on bringing up embarrassing moments about him in front of Malleus. He's like, "DON"T DO THIS IN FRONT OF WAKASAMA" but Malleus himself is so amused and wanted to hear more. It's honestly so cute.

Riddle and Jamil as a duo is so good. Like, you see hints of their friendship in some stories, but you really get to see them look so chill and relaxed and huge ass teases??? Which is so interesting because they are two of the most serious guys in the cast, but look at them throwing teasing remarks at Trein and Sebek 😭 your honor, they are maturing and loosening up

I just watched the movie yesterday, so I caught nearly all the references right away. Rollo recommended the croissant to Azul's group (team A)—one of the gargoyles held up a croissant in the song A Guy Like You, and one lyric goes: "And since you've shaped like a croissant is". In the same part, Esmeralda's necklace was one of the souvenirs that Azul bought for Jade and Floyd. Even the alphabet blocks that Epel and Deuce found is a reference! When Epel and Deuce said A is for "apple" and B is for "baby", it's a reference to Quasimodo reviewing his alphabet with Frollo, except it went "A is for abomination, B is for blasphemy". In Idia's part, they see the wooden figurines of Quasimodo and Esmeralda and the little mobile made of colorful glass that hangs in Quasimodo's room. Malleus' part has them walking around the waterway where the gypsies lived aka the Court of Miracles. There was a store that Jamil and Grim walk in, and you'd find the wood shavings that one of the gargoyles used in A Guy Like You. There was even a parlor that is a reference to A Guy Like You.

Honestly, the fact they referenced A Guy Like You a whole lot, when that song also has a WHOLE PIANO THERE 🧍 Disney don't do this. Don't give me hope.

And about the wooden figurines part, Idia and Ruggie are so funny wwww like, Ruggie's like "ehhhh it's just a piece of wood" but Idia's like you SHUT UP those are WORTH A TON go Idia we love to see you defending figurines !!!!!

Idia in general getting comfortable in the group is so cute though 😭 and even cuter is Silver commenting on how glad he is to see Idia happy like ?????? damn bitch why are you so PURE

Honestly, Azul's part as a whole just 🤡🤡🤡 I said it earlier. I super appreciate this event for letting Azul be his own person that's not being with the twins. And this part really shows why I super appreciate it.

Azul was such a senpai to Deuce and Epel 🥺 like, he was teaching them about the culture of the city, he was taking on the role of being tour guide to them. He was looking after two first years, and that was so so so endearing to see, in spite of any ulterior motives 🥺

It was so funny to see them letting their guard down around Azul too! Like, a lot of the cast knows Azul's sketchiness, so it's easy to think "oh Azul's really obvious". But you see through Deuce and Epel that his kind front is actually really good. When Azul says he's gonna buy souvenirs for the students back in school, they were like "WOW FOR FREE????" Epel ends up going "you know Vil told me to watch out for Azul, but he's actually really nice!" Meanwhile, Azul's muttering to himself how he's gonna deduct the price of the souvenirs from their salaries wheeze

Also!! Azul buying pencils for Epel and Deuce! The way that both of them were so warmed by it, and Azul's just muttering "damn I'm so sorry for Riddle and Vil if I won over these two with just a pencil"

ugh I'm so full from this event, and there's going to be MORE??? We're gonna finally see some shit go down next week, and then we're gonna have so much more lore to come about Rollo. 😩

Also, someone suggested piano Azul groovy and I WILL FUCKJNG CRY IF IT HAPPESN 🧍

I've been poking around the new community here on Tumblr for Starfield, and I'll be honest, it's a little lackluster, so I'd like to do my part and share my OC!

Rowan

This is Rowan, she's a former Space Scoundrel who's trying to find her way in being a better, more legal, person. She's an empathic and caring soul who wants to do what she can to help people, but has been burned by others because of those feelings so she tries to keep it to herself. She has parents and a sister, and has caught the eye of one Adoring Fan 🥰

For the past week or so I've been working on an outline for her story. It's still very much a Work in Progress considering I'm taking my time going through the main quest, but I have a somewhat firm grasp on how it starts and her backstory, which I'll put in the cut below.

I'll be honest, it's just me reciting story beats of what all I've done in game, but hopefully in an interesting way. The further along I go the more the more I would like to insert more character and feeling into the story, but I'm pretty happy with what I have so far :)

One thing I'd like to ask y'all, have you ever seen the story of Cyrano? It may not come up in this first part, but it will be relevant 🤫 If you haven't I do seriously recommend it, it's a beautiful story.

Here's what I have figured out thus far: Pt.1/?

Rowan started out as a Space Scoundrel, running around with a spacer gang, specializing in persuading people and functioning as their getaway ship. This fell apart, however, after a series of circumstances that I'll get into later (gotta keep some mystery 😉). After she leaves them she does her best to keep moving and lay as low as possible. She's not sure if her old 'friends' will try looking for her, but it's better to be safe than sorry. Later on, she gets a job with a mining company on Vectera when she finds an artifact. Then Barrett gets there, they get raided, it's a whole ordeal... Barrett then tells her she has to make the delivery for the thing he (hopefully) paid Lin to find. Rowan put up less of a fight than she wanted to, but agreed to it nonetheless.

Rowan goes to Constellation with the intent to return their ship and robot and the funky piece of metal that Barrett commissioned Lin for, then wash her hands of the whole ordeal. it's getting way too weird, and weird could mean easily spotted... Unfortunately, things don't work out that way. Considering she's the one who first found the 'Artifact' they seem to want to keep a close eye on her.

[I'll be honest, I'm not sure how this next part should go. It pretty closely follows the MQ and the whole time Mabon is side-eyeing the whole group, not sure why they seem so intrigued to see her aside from the fact that she brought the artifact. She somehow gets roped into joining and doing the first mission with Sarah, and along the way she does an interview with SSNN about the attack on the mining colony by the Crimson Fleet.]

While she and Sarah were gone, the story about Vectera got published.

{Enter Cyrano, in a twist of the usual story, we see his and Roxanne's first meeting}

Her new Adoring Fan was a strange one indeed - Very excitable and visibly on the edge of vibration - she would have chocked it up to the copious accounts of coffee he says he normally gets, but he apparently didn't get any that day, er... at least not in the last 2-3 hours judging from his self told 3-4 cups a day. This man is going to die of heart failure if bit something specific to do with caffeine. He seems to be completely focused on her their entire conversation, and it makes her more than a little uncomfortable, and when he says that he wants to be part of her crew, she's not really sure how to take it.

For what feels like the first time since leaving her old crew she needs to be quick on her feet about how to handle the situation; she decides to make a deal with him, the two of them will do a few favors around the city for roughly a week, and if she decides he's not fit for her crew, he stays here and never speaks to her again. He agrees before she even realizes he said anything.

So, for that week they stay planetside in New Atlantis doing odd jobs and small favors for pretty much anyone. It doesn't really matter what they do, all she needs to know is how he handles himself and if he's trustworthy.

He actually surprises her. While he's not all that useful for getting insight to whatever it is they're helping someone with - he mostly likes hearing what she has to say and praises her no matter what it is - Rowan does find that it's pretty fun just having him tag along. Having a companion who seems to genuinely enjoy her presence... It's not something she's felt she had for a long time.

He also relishes in being her pack mule, which is something she kinda feels bad about but he seems to enjoy it, so what can you do I guess 🤷‍♀️

There were two things Rowan had to get out of the way at the start of their deal. First - considering how enamored he seemed to be with her, she had to ask, "You're not... romantically interested in me, are you?" Her fan was so quick to deny and reassure her that his (completely platonic) love for her was "unbreakable" and "unyielding", but he would "never sully something so pure, with something so ordinary". The last line in particular seemed a little weird to her, but he gave the answer she was looking for, so she let it slide and went onto her next question, "So what's you're name? I don't want to go around just calling you my 'Fan'."

His eyes shined brightly at the question before doing an overly dramatic semi-bow at the waist and answering, "My name is Adrian, my liege, and I am ever at your service!"

.

There’s really nothing worse than having a mentally ill sibling with ADHD and addiction issues, but who has destroyed your self-esteem because you’re autistic and have a physical disability. Like…………..I don’t even know how this works, but evidently, people like this exist. And she’s not the only one I’ve encountered. You know, mentally ill people being complete assholes towards or just not giving a shit about autistic or physically disabled people. I’m so sick of them. It’s especially annoying/amusing to me when they don’t want the conditions they have to be stigmatized, yet they contribute so heavily to stigmatizing other things. 

I have been through a lot in my life. I’m legally blind, I have severe, severe OCD and depression, and I’ve had my share of drug abuse too. In fact, that’s really the only thing that’s ever made me feel better about myself. But yeah, I’m done. I’m done always being the understanding one, especially when I’ve been made to feel bad over the fact that empathy really doesn’t come naturally to me, yet, I’m a hell of a lot more understanding than so many of the people who claim to just have it. How does that work? I’m done doing this for people who don’t give me the same in return. I’m done with the “well, there’s reasons for their behavior”, “they have their own issues”, etc mentality I’ve taken for so long. What about my reasons? What about my own issues? Nope, that’s just “wrong” and “weird”. So much for empathy right…..I would never tell someone the shit I’ve been told. 

You know, she’s been through a lot of shit too, including things that I can’t imagine going through. But she also cannot imagine what it’s like to be me, to go through the things I have. And I’m done with this being such a one sided effort. I’m done with everyone who is like her. It never fails to amaze me, the things that people like her think are okay to say. But yeah, I’m the one who is such a social pariah. I’m the one who needs to change. 

But I also think it’s just sad. It’s sad that she cares so much about societal standards that it’s caused her to treat me this way. And the funniest thing is, she thinks she’s not like that. She’s one of those people who thinks she’s more “awake” than everyone else. No, you’re fucking not lmao. I don’t care how many drugs you’ve done (what’s super funny is that she actually doesn’t even primarily use the shit that tends to cause people to act like that. That’s me, and I don’t think like that. At all.) But it’s like, sweetheart, you’re going to be 25 next year, you have been through some serious shit in your life. How the fuck do you still care so much that I’m not “normal”? How??? Because those drug-induced rants and breakdowns sure as hell weren’t normal either, but let’s pretend that never happened, right? You can get upset when people judge you for choices you made, but it’s okay to make me feel like shit over how I was born? Okay.

I’m done with feeling this way. I’m done with feeling like I should kill myself because I’m ugly, weird, don’t process emotions/situations the “right” way, and all the other shit she’s put into my head. There is such a direct correlation with how suicidal I’ve been and the things she’s said to me. I have caved to her and let her manipulate me so much throughout my life, and it’s not okay. She’s not a completely terrible person, but I also cannot keep doing this. I cannot keep feeling like I don’t deserve to be alive. I cannot keep thinking that I need to cut my body open because I’m so ugly and unlikeable. She’s a miserable person in a lot of ways, and I can’t keep giving someone like that so much power over me. 

It’s just, you know, she’s in a relationship, and I’ve been alone my entire life. And I’ve been made to feel that I’m going to be alone forever. And it’s like, how is it that someone who can be this fucking mean be wanted, but I never have been? Oh yeah, because she’s attractive. That’s literally all that matters. I really do believe that’s another reason she’s able to act this way. If I acted this way, oh my god, I would get so much shit for it. That’s just the truth. She’s put it into my head that looks are all that matter, and she’s not incorrect. Attractive women can get away with so much. That’s not incel shit, it’s true. They can treat people like absolute shit, and someone will come to their defense. Meanwhile I can’t even exist as a person. 

She reminds me of like those Red Scare women, just not…racist and shit. But she absolutely has that vibe that they do, and I hate it. And I think if life hadn’t kicked the crap out of her, she’d be a lot meaner than she is. No, that’s exactly what she reminds me of, wow. 

I can see what you mean with the comparison between the privacy of Freddie vs Zayn’s kid and Liam’s kid, but to me there is a major difference with Freddie. You might not agree, obviously, and it’s just my own thought, but from the moment it was announced Brianna was having Louis’ baby, the family have used Freddie and the situation for attention. They essentially encourage those weird fan sites for Freddie (which solo hrries actually follow, their anxiety about Louis’ potential sexuality is so obvious). That family have done a lot, and I mean a lot, which has put Freddie in the public eye. I think Louis actually might be trying to protect Freddie in this impossible situation. I do think Louis does care about Freddie, he loves kids and while the situation is very abnormal, Louis’ biological father was never around so he probably knows that biology doesn’t always mean anything. So maybe this is Louis’ attempt to protect him as best he can, considering how Freddie has been used by his biological family, but in a more controlled way. Louis really can’t control how Brianna and her family use Freddie, but on his side, I think he is trying? We don’t know what Freddie understands or knows but while I don’t believe Louis would be so public with his actual child, I can see where this public stuff has come from with Freddie considering the lack of control Louis had, and still doesn’t have really.

I enjoyed the documentary. There is a lot missing, which I expected. Those missing years where Louis’ debut album was shelved, where he became a judge on X-Factor, years where a lot of things happened behind the scenes and which Louis would definitely not be able to show, even if Charlie had been around then. The truth is, I just love Louis. I love his music and he makes me feel happy, and safe, and cared for. He isn’t perfect and I don’t expect him to be but I do think he tries, he makes mistakes and he doesn’t always make the right decisions but I do not believe I have the right to judge because who knows want I would do faced with the same situation? I am a Louie first and foremost and I will always hope for better for him, for his career, for everything. I have no answers and I don’t know what will happen. But I have Louis and his music and that means so much to me. So many larries forget that, the humans behind their ship, especially with Louis because Harry can do no wrong for so many.

The Jungwirths absolutely have exposed Freddie, but if Louis was concerned about Freddie's that, why did he do frequent, entirely preventable pap walks with Freddie during the first 6+ months of his life? Why hasn't he attempted to get a better custody arrangement considering he can afford significantly better lawyers than that family? In the same vein, why hasn't he fought for the right to protect his child's privacy in court? The idea that Louis is simply trying to control how Freddie's exposed because he knows the child has been used by the Jungwirths doesn't hold up when you look at the full picture.

There's so much cognitive dissonance around the entire situation that people try to come up with the simplest possible explanations to make some sense of it, and I think that's why you've seen so many Larries and non-Larries alike who didn't believe Louis is a dad just accept that he is in the last week. It's much easier on the brain to just forget all of the arguments against it and all the things we've seen with our own eyes since 2015 when the pregnancy was announced. I'm not one of those people though. I can't explain away all of these things and I can't forget everything that I've seen.

So instead, I've just gotten to a place where I acknowledge what I believe (Louis is not a father, Louis is not straight, Louis is a good person, Louis deserves better, Louis' personal life and relationships should not be central to his career) and I also accept what Louis and those around him want us to believe (Louis is a father, Louis is straight, Louis' personal life and relationships are central to his career), at least right now. I'm not letting myself get upset over it or getting emotionally invested in any of it. I'm just enjoying what I can of fandom and stepping back from anything that I don't.