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jangmi-latte · 3 years

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I heard you wanted help with a character analysis! I have come to help out, if I can! So, I have a question for you that may help out with at least one character we have information on, do you think Jamil Viper truly hates Kalim Al-Asim because of how the two's families' situation or Jamil is lying to himself? If you wish, I can discuss it with you and help you come to a conclusion, I am more than happy to help you if you need it.

You know, I have been observing Jamil’s actions ever since Chapter 5 started. It has been very visible that this vice-dorm leader has gone through a lot and the fandom knows that for sure. It bothers me sometimes seeing some Jamil x Kalim one-shots where it focuses on Jamil being all friendly with Kalim – friendly in a way the servant master relationship doesn’t bother him when it’s the other way around. I hope this essay of mine helps out expound on Kalim and Jamil’s relationship starting from pre-enrollment to post-enrollment. Before I jump straight into the main question, I’ll slowly expound on Jamil’s progress throughout the Scarabia Arc towards Pomefiore’s Arc.

i would also love to created the TWISTED WONDERLAND WIKIA and for the translators who are behind this site for providing the translations. this analysis won't be complete without them. it has been a very big help.

do note this analysis is NOT SPOILER-FREE so if you don’t wanna get spoiled, this meal is not for your dear customer.

01. Jamil’s freedom

First, let’s differentiate how Jamil acts with and without Kalim around. In most of the main and personal stories, Jamil was always with Kalim. In one instance – like in his PE card – we have seen Jamil without Kalim around. We can see how Jamil has a tendency to be bossy and how he has a way with words in terms of helping Floyd with his desire to do a headstand. Yes, he may have shown this personality around Kalim, however, it is noted how Jamil didn’t hold back into explaining to Floyd (very detailed at that) about the one thing he’s good at. Until he has caught himself again and realized he spoke too much.

We can see how Jamil desperately wants to share who he really was (his talents, his ideologies, etc.) to others, something he couldn’t show when he’s around Kalim.

He said it himself, “my inner dancing soul started to ache…” which is why he shared his own thoughts.

“Ahem! …It’s nothing. When I went out with Kalim in the past, there were occasions where I did a bit of dancing.” He held back again just because Kalim was mentioned. Ace even mentioned how it wasn’t A BIT of what Jamil did in dancing.

It’s obvious how Jamil actually wanted to dance more and teach Floyd what he’s good at except Ace mentioned how it was a basketball club and not a dance club. It’s clear how he’s used to adjusting himself and hold back with what he wants to do. We’re just glad Floyd somehow persuaded that made Jamil show his real self.

Do note how Floyd complimented Jamil when he did a handstand and how happy he must’ve felt about himself.

He was willing, his own choice, to teach Floyd and NOT because he’s obligated to like he was around Kalim. He even shared what techniques he could do.

In his voice lines, we can see how Jamil actually wants to be more powerful. Not like that’s already not obvious, however, there was always the resentment of holding back. He wanted to enjoy himself, as noted in Fairy Gala where he went all out and didn’t hold back, and in Dances and Wishes where he mentioned that he wanted to travel alone. In one of his groovy lines, he said “Sometimes it’s nice to just forget about everything and enjoy yourself. It’s been a long time since I felt like that.”

HE DOESN’T WANT TROUBLE ANYMORE!!! Please, give this man a break, he really hates getting into other people’s business. Let alone getting dragged into them. Why is this under his freedom category? Because anywhere Kalim is, there will always be trouble. Meaning, not only is his safety in the line but also the way he acts. Stiff, robot-like, servant, guardian, you say it. Is Jamil one of those? No.

He always tries to find something beneficial with being around Kalim. Dancing, for example. He stated that whether he likes it or not, Jamil has eventually found fun in dancing and let alone develop strength just by chasing him around.

It has always been mentioned how Jamil is good at cooking and I even read that his kitchen is his go-to when he's stressed and whatnot. But let's remember that Jamil DOESN'T really likes cooking that much. He's only obligated to do so. He mentioned it in his SSR dorm uniform voice lines. Don't associate him with the kitchen too much.

He ALWAYS mentions Kalim!!! In every voice line, in every personal story, hell, even the main story, there wouldn't be ONE instance where he wouldn't mention Kalim. Why? That's what he was born to do. To always mention his master, to mention his position, to keep the focus away from him and move it towards who he's serving. That's his life. Imagine his happiness when he finally gets a chance to shine on his own.

Connecting to the previous paragraph, either Jamil notices it or not, he consciously and subconsciously lies to himself and to others — except to those who have Asim as their last name. We all know Jamil would go boast about his intelligence, skills, and talents when he wants to and as noted in his overblot, he didn't hold back (he was in a state of no control, yes, but when someone overblots they most often spill what they were truly feeling deep down). Yet, Jamil has grown accustomed into lying to himself and to others that, "This is what I can only do. This is what I am for, etc." He always belittles himself to others and it wasn't a choice of his.

I noticed how Jamil would always say he doesn't want to stand out and I couldn't point out whether this includes him lying to himself or he genuinely just doesn't like attention. Why this confuses me is because he said he wanted to be number one and known for his own talents yet he doesn't like standing out. I would assume that he wants to be known for who he is in a way of recognition and not by any loud or crowd settling attention.

Now, Jamil often jokes about "I'm the master now, serve me" in his SSR birthday card and it's easy to point out that (1) he isn't used to attention being placed on him and he's growing accustomed to it, (2) it's a form of control mechanism for him that he knows he's still a servant despite getting such privilege for a day. He is used to his position but that doesn't mean he won't fight for what he wants/believes. After all, Kalim already told him and he's slowly trying to do so without breaking his position still.

02. Jamil’s relationship with Kalim (post-overblot)

Jamil has vocally stated his hatred for Kalim which happened after his overblot. He doesn’t want to be friends, he doesn’t want ANYTHING that involves being with Kalim. He is there solely for the purpose of being a servant and to finish school. Just like I stated, Jamil tries to find benefits with being around Kalim, whether he likes it or not, he is getting a good dose of education, a good shelter, food, etc. Even though Jamil wants not only him but his family as well to get out of the traditional servant position, he knows he doesn’t have the power to do so. My only conclusion here is that Jamil has very limited choices and that he knows that he has to endure Kalim maybe a bit longer.

Now, this is where we start answering the main question, does Jamil Viper truly hates Kalim Al-Asim because of how the two's families' situation or is he lying to himself? The answer is no – in the prospect of hating Kalim. BUT the most logical answer I could give is that Jamil is slowly warming up (VERY SLOWLY) to Kalim AND NOT HIS FAMILY’S POSITION. Those are two different things:

Jamil’s obligation is to look after Kalim, feed him, protect him, teach him, etc. That’s what he hates. What I’m trying to say here is that Jamil still cares about Kalim. Why do I say this? Notice in the Fairy Gala event, not only did he prove himself to the audience and to Vil but he also was having fun. Despite the harsh training he went through, I believe those smiles he shared with Kalim showed the progress in their relationship with each other.

In Chapter 5-34, we can see Kalim talking about how he was poisoned and mentioned he doesn’t like the idea of the culprit (whoever plans to poison him) never apologizing when he ever was poisoned. Based on Jamil’s silence, what he probably felt was guilt. He never apologized for what he did but he knew what he did was wrong. At the beginning chapters of Chapter 5, he did explain what happened between him and the dorm students and how he’ll just stick to Kalim from now on. He despises Kalim’s sweet, sunshine, nature because he’s the exact opposite. He knows he’s the villain, he knows he can’t accept Kalim’s personality due to his nature. Kalim’s too nice, Jamil isn’t, they go well together and he (Jamil) doesn’t want to do anything with it. Let Kalim live his own life, he’ll live his.

“We’re not friends, remember…?” Remember Jamil’s tendency to lie? He’s lying to himself. He always tries to make himself hate Kalim but he can’t.

Want to be even more convinced? Chapter 5-30, why would Jamil eavesdrop on MC and Kalim’s conversation? He’s watching over Kalim, yes, but what do you think he felt after hearing Kalim finally learn? Don’t you think he felt relieved? I know for sure he won’t feel guilt over that, all he wanted was for Kalim to be aware of their differences and to be independent. That’s what’s happening to Kalim right now.

Ah, additional to that, the Halloween event. Jamil checked on Kalim, didn’t he? He trusted Kalim on his own. He was actually smiling when Ace pointed out how he keeps checking his phone. He was only checking on Kalim, okay, but please. The trust he actually placed on Kalim was big. Improvement in friendship.

Concerning his position, that’s the sole thing Jamil wants to change. That has always been his goal. To change his family’s position as servant, get a break, have freedom. Who knows? If Jamil ever did get what he wanted, he might go back to Kalim. He’s hard to read.

Conclusion:

I wanted to expound more on the depth of their relationship but this post has gotten too long. To keep it short, Jamil is still contemplating to himself. We can’t instantly jump into the ‘yes and no’ into his hatred for we are still ongoing with Pomefiore’s chapter which will unfold more of their relationship. He somehow hates Kalim but doesn’t in a way of personality and ideology, not the whole person himself. He also hates his position but again, Jamil did something wrong and he knows it. They’re both still learning, they’re both still progressing throughout their relationship. I hope this analysis answered your question! It was fun ^^.

#twisted wonderland #disney twisted wonderland #twst #twisted wonderland character analysis #jamil viper #kalim al asim #scarabia

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tohappyfamily · 3 years

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Balance the role of mother and work is not easy, although more than ¾ of the women choose to work with family life.

To continue the professional path without harming the family and children.Good organizational skills and a rigorous and coherent program must be developed.

Frequently asked questions about working mothers

In his new book, "A ce soir," the famous American pediatrician, Perry Brazelton, answers all the questions that concern mothers.

How can coordination between family life and work?

Dr. Perry Brazelton says: "One of the most common problems that working mothers face is the problem that a mother faces between caring for her child and resuming work.

A woman thinks she can take care of both sides, but she can't do both well.

It takes a woman to be a "superhero" and that's tough, because every woman sets herself goals that are realistically impossible to achieve in both areas.

Today, the various tasks of parents who have a child accumulate, such as feeding, work and marital relationship.

The more parents pay attention, the more difficult each of these tasks becomes."

On the other hand, and through experience, know that children primarily need parents who are more flexible and courteous if they are working.

It is important to tell mothers who entrust their children to other people that they will not be completely unhappy.

But the result is that they get used to being separated from their children without much pain.

But beware the problem affects the man as well, because many men do not like to do household tasks, or prepare food for his child.

Despite the necessity for this to happen, the woman tries to prove herself in competition at work, she leads, makes decisions and completes her mission.

When a woman successfully performs both tasks, the man feels subconscious fear; Where he discovers that the "weaker" sex is in fact the stronger sex.

Few of us as parents actively participate in their homes when they are young, so the young father has to discover something new in himself.

In the past men could only fit into their family life with the authorization of their wives, and today they have to be present.

Their role in their new family is an investment one, they feel a personal happiness overwhelmed by absent fathers.

The importance of the father in the child development :

What are the child benefits when his father takes care of him?

There are several child benefits from the care of his parents.

As the involuntary competition between the parents urges them to idealism that creates a positive environment for the child.

Father Partnership:

Father partnership enables you to reconcile family life and work.

It is necessary to involve the father and share household tasks, the mother must accept the fact that she cannot do everything alone.

On the part of the father, he must participate in family life, and the duties of the parents should be perfectly balanced in the home.

This is very important so that the mother can have a successful job that does not affect her personal life.

Specifically, it is helpful to make a list of different tasks on a daily basis.

They must be classified according to their nature and positioned in such a way that they are adapted to the father and the mother.

So interviews with teachers, and appointments with the pediatrician or dentist do not have to be the mother's business on a regular basis, but rather on a rotating basis.

Having a sense of organization:

The division of tasks indicates a sense of organization.

Again, mothers should not think that they can do it all, and fathers should not think that they can do it all.

The best possible approach is to establish a schedule of activities.

Children can be given some processes that they deal with well, which is a way of showing their parents' confidence in them.

In preparing the 'family' timeline, everyone should express themselves and have a say.

A new opinion is always welcome and will bring about improvements in the organization of the home.

Many studies show that children who have parents participate in care positively.

They reach school age with the best QI scores and also have the best chances of success.

These children have the best relationships with other children, have a mild temperament, and have a strong self-image.

The presence of the father not only provides many opportunities to strengthen the bonds of the family but also for the child.

How can a mother meet the needs of her child?

Only the mother or the father knows how they can provide their child with all the care he needs.

Dr. Perry Brazelton says: “In the United States, about 25% of children spend their childhood with a parent for a variety of reasons.

In such cases, a parent who stays with the child needs more help and understanding.”

"The official, whether the mother or the father, should not hesitate to seek help from the pediatrician, grandparents, friends, etc..,

We must deal appropriately from the outset with the questions posed by children who wish to know the reasons why they or their families are different from others."

"It is not about interfering before the child is at the level of understanding, but the ability to answer the child without feeling the need to apologize or defend."

If the mother is facing this issue, she must be prepared to say to her child:

“It is with us that every family is different and lives in its own way.

In the house there is no father, but on the contrary, there is only a grandfather and he may one day be a father to us. Waiting for this we must love each other very much.”

Children need this kind of conviction tinged with strength and frankness in order to be supported in their classes with their colleagues as well as in themselves.

But beware, parents often tend to keep their child in childish behavior such as feeding for long periods, or using the breast or straw as a pacifier.

Also, the field of nutrition is worthwhile, when neglecting to encourage the child to gain his independence, he may sometimes end up refusing food.

When the mother is alone she should not feel trapped, and she should teach her son to separate in small doses.

If not, she is at risk of making some kind of sudden cut when she pledges her baby to someone else and also by stifling his own feelings.

The mother has to know how to caress her child and create an atmosphere of fun at home.

When she's raising her child alone, it can be hard to remember that having fun leads to a balanced life.

In the work and at home, two different behaviors:

Women do not behave in the same way at work and at home, so how can they reconcile the two behaviors?

"The woman in this situation needs to think carefully about the two roles she must fill and combine them in parallel," says Dr. Perry Brazelton.

Women must summon all their potentials in their dreams and lives.

When a mother feels thriving, it inevitably benefits the family as a whole.

Studies indicate that successful and happy women at work have greater chances of success in their family life and their role as a mother.

At work, women need to be realistic, take distances on the emotional level, and show voluntariness, directness and effectiveness in the way they work.

On the other hand, an active mother is liable to be a bad mother with her children.

Because it should be soft and warm at home and be ready for experiments and lessons.

She has to be open to changes, she has to always expect things to not go well and be able to compensate.

She must be able to move quickly and without hesitation from one character to another and be the secret to success in both very different roles.

Separation - return - things that must be gradual:

Dr. Perry Brazelton says: “Every parent should have their own answer, and a good understanding of their relationships with their child (her child) helps them make the decision.

Whatever the period of separation, both parents or one of them needs a period of respite during which they can learn how to deal with their child.

It is foolish to think that a young child does not realize that he is in the hands of someone he does not know.

On the contrary, we think that the child is fully aware that he is under the care of strangers who take care of him for 4-6 weeks.”

When a child reaches the age of one, he will take his first steps alone or lean on furniture.

They are the first signs towards true independence, accompanied by an increased sense of self-reliance.

Young children show a real fear of new situations when it comes to changing their environment.

These possibilities should be avoided as much as possible.

Thus, the child is less exposed to shock, and we also do not forget that moving away from the child should not be surprising.

Rather, the child must be accustomed to cycles of distance and encounter, by placing him with a third person.

But we must know that all or most of the children regress to an earlier stage of their development when the mother resumes her work.

When the people around him give him confidence too early in themselves, the decline will be temporary and the mother feels that her child is able to tolerate the hatred of separation.

It is a stage that you should not worry about.

The secrets of balancing work and raising a child:

Dr. Berry offers several secrets to balancing work and raising a child.

He says:“Steps should not be rushed, nor should you expect to take control of the situation at short intervals when it comes to fulfilling the two important tasks.

You must bear the difficulty of defining each of them, for example, think carefully before choosing a nursery or a nursery to take care of your child.

If you take the full time breastfeeding, you can devote your time completely to your work, and be in close contact with her. Trust your child's ability to adapt to a third person."

"Feel free to treat your child your way and let the other person do that as well.

Your child will quickly get used to this change, while he will be upset by an angry person next to him forced to deal with him in an unusual way."

If you're under stress during the workday, try to be as extreme as possible before going home.

Your family needs all the energy you can put in to it, and the old English tradition of having a cup of tea upon return will help you relax.

We must point out the importance that the quality of time we spend with our children is more important than the quantity.

Set aside an hour or two a week for each child, during which time you are completely alone with him at his disposal.

It is not important how you spend these two hours, but the important thing is that you are for him alone, even if you can only devote one hour to him.

It will surely be remembered for the rest of the week.

Of course, there will be other times when the child will want to be with you.

If you're too busy, you can say to him, "At the moment it's impossible, but don't forget that at the weekend we have an appointment with the two of us and we'll do whatever you like.

I am so happy to be able to spend some time with you."

And even though you'll feel guilty all week, you'll be confident that these special moments will make up for the hours of separation.

These will be special and precious times that you share with your child and that should not be overlooked.

balance the work and family life?

Other recommendations:

- Teach your child to take part in taking care of the house, and you can motivate him by teaching him this as a real game.

- Participate in household chores with your husband, as these chores are not entrusted to women only.

It concerns the whole family and if you have an emergency it is important that your husband help you at home.

- Be attentive to simple meals and fill the refrigerator.

- Don't get caught up in work all night or weekend, and make sure the time you spend with your child is as enjoyable as possible.

Whether in terms of food, going home, shopping, times when the child is suffering or while on vacation.

- All women who work should take regular breaks to change their thoughts.

But the worst that can happen to him: lack of money, loss of energy, all claims are favorable so that we don't spend too much on fun times.

However, this would change many things.

- You also have to be realistic about what you hope for both for you and for your baby. It is impossible to be a "super mom."

This has disadvantages and may cause them more difficulties than benefits.

The desired goal is the cohesion of the family, and if you succeed in this, you have certainly achieved something great.

- In the end, it is not ingratitude from you to work and raise your children, this matter is within the reach of everyone.

But if we want to do that we have to bear the obstacles, your greatest reward will be when you see your children in a state of balance and in a good psychological state.

And when they reach puberty they will be able to differentiate the two great poles of your business and your family.

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darkdevasofdestruction · 4 years

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Save Me From Myself - Leone Abbacchio

The best thing that could ever happen in my life is to become a part of the gang Passione - Or, to be more specific, a part of Buccellati’s team, filled with people with so many past issues that somehow manage to work together and support each other with everything they’ve got, despite their huge differences.

We have, from youngest to oldest, we have:

Giorno, a super cute and pure angel of a kid who is super smart and ambitious. Fugo, a super smart and caring yet hella violent kid who can’t control his temper. Narancia, ADD kiddo who behaves like a 10 year old, but is funny and has nice dance moves. Mista, hella funny guy and easy going, but can get distracted by weird things. Bruno, the mum of the group, everyone loves and looks up to him. And we have Abbacchio, who’s the oldest, acts somehow like the responsible dad of the group, yet he’s more of a very gloomy wine dad.

Of course, being a part of Bruno’s team, we already know each other’s backstories and we know how to support and protect each other when we need it, both morally and emotionally, since, after all, nobody is made of ice or stone.

But that is something that perhaps neither Abbacchio nor I chose to admit...Or maybe we already know that, but we don’t want to say it out loud, because if we do, it will make it real, and we don’t want the bad parts to be real.

When we have pair up missions, I’d usually be paired with Abbacchio, since apparently, we make quite a good team, and can’t say that I complain - He knows when to stay silent, when to make a witty or sarcastic comment, has very nice dark jokes and can be a great conversation partner, especially when it comes to music and bands.

What I realised, however, that I’m not sure everyone knows, is that Abbacchio has a dose of self-hatred so large that it would include the dose of everyone from the team...No, rather said, of all Italy.

Unfortunately, when you’re someone like me, you can easily realise when someone isn’t doing mentally and emotionally too well, and what’s worse, as an empath, you can feel it just like an arrow impaling your heart.

It’s already been about a year since Giorno joined our team and for some reason, things started taking a turn for the unexpected whenever we’d have our weekly restaurant gatherings.

It all started when Mista got himself a girlfriend, and honestly, everyone was shocked because so far, nobody actually had any kind of love life, but we were all super proud and happy for him. He has always been a fun and easy going guy, very adventurous and this charm of his unexpectedly drew interesting girls to him, and managed to get completely head over heels with one.

Three weeks later, Mista couldn’t come to the hang out because he was taking his girlfriend on a date out of the city, but we found out that Giorno, with his really cute tricks and natural innocent charm, found himself in a relationship with a flower girl, very kind and sweet. They met when she was walking her puppy and he pulled on the leash so hard that she fell, but Giorno caught her and helped her out with the puppy, and it was love at first sight.

Of course, we were all very happy for them, because obviously, Giorno deserves the best in life...

And yet, it was weird when we were so few at the table at weekend hang outs.

It didn’t take long for Bruno to fall for a beautiful singer at a jazz bar, who, he found out, always bought meals for children of the streets and bought them clothes and tried to take care of them the best she could.

And now that our Mum friend was busy with his beloved, we are told by Fugo that he also managed to find a girl who is extremely calm, patient and intelligent, just his type, and they are planning a few museum and bookshop dates, as well of some very chill hang outs in the park.

Not even a week later, it was only me, Abbacchio and Narancia at the table, but the little duck was overly enthusiastic today, and told us that he found a girl who doesn’t mind his energetic and airhead personality and wants to take HIM out on an arcade date, and he needs some dating advice so he wouldn’t screw up.

“These kids are so pure and adorable, don’t you think, Leone?” I let out an amused breath, realising that, by now, it was only I and him at the table. “Yeah...They are. they deserve it.” he nodded simply, yet he seemed to not be over with his thoughts. “You seem like you want to say something else. Do you have anything on your mind that you’d like to share?...Hold up, is that lipstick on your neck?” I ask in a gentle voice, that turned into a gasp, which made him hum as he closed his eyes and think over, trying to wipe away the lipstick from his skin. “Well, I suppose I should say it after all. I asked a girl out and we’re going on a date next weekend, so I won’t be present for our weekly hang out...Not that it would make much of a difference, considering we’re the only ones left.” hearing him say that so nonchalantly, broke my heart in very little pieces, but at the same time, I was happy for him. “Woaw, that’s great, I’m so happy for you, Abba! I hope she’s everything you wish for and that you’ll both be happy together!” I congratulated him, but he only let out an amused breath, looking away slightly. “Yeah...Thanks, I guess.” he spoke in a low voice, seemingly absent minded. “You still have something on your mind -... No, rather said, on your heart. Is it something you’d rather keep to yourself?” I ask in a softer voice, leaning a bit on the table. “I’m not sure...” he trailed on, before glancing at him, blinking but not saying anything for a while. “Well, doesn’t matter, I’m not really a talker anyway. I have to go. See you around, Kat.” he nodded at me before leaving the restaurant, leaving me alone. “Bye...” I mutter to myself, staring at the empty seat in front of me.

It was then that I was reminded just how alone I really was, even when surrounded by people that I hold dear, and in turn, hold me dear... Well, not that it really mattered now anyway, since I was truly alone now, both spiritually and physically.

I got up from my seat and started walking around the city aimlessly, not really knowing what to do. When everyone else wasn’t so busy, I’d cling on one of them, depending on the mood I had at the moment...But now? Now I feel like nothing more than a wingless bird, or a paper plane in the wind, just trying to stay in the air.

Everywhere I looked, everyone was happy, everyone had someone that made them happy, and in turn, would make said person happy... And then I’d think at myself, and I’d find nothing more than an endless void of nothingness.

It’s true, I used to date someone too, before Giorno joined us, but...I never, even once, missed one of our hang outs. I suppose the team, my family, for me, was always more important than a relationship that may or may not be fleeting. And...I suppose that’s why my ex kept speaking like that to me, and seeing me in such a bad light. A difference in ideals and mind views that is so radical is never going to work out.

I already miss my Family, despite of how dysfunctional we all are.

How odd.

The next weekend, I went to the restaurant at the regular time, hoping that I would see at least one of the guys... But I was merely lying to myself, or my heart, that is. My brain already knew I was going to be alone.

One week, two weeks, three weeks...

The only time I’d meet them is when we’d have to go on missions or stuff like that.

I can’t believe how fast happiness can disappear...It’s almost like it never existed in the first place. How is that fair?

Why am I the only one left alone? Am I really that much of a bad person? Am I really that bad? Or ugly? Or annoying? Or what the hell is wrong with me? And more, what the hell is wrong with my heart? Why does it hurt so much? Why do I keep feeling the need to break down and cry every night with no exception? But I’m not sure what’s worse, the fact that I feel the need to cry my emotions out and scream my frustrations out at the sky... Or the fact that I can’t?

For the love of God, I can’t express my emotions, I can’t feel them, or maybe I feel too many at once and they threaten to explode, hell, I don’t even understand anything anymore.

This...Is really not fair at all...

About two months into this whole mess, I found myself going out by the sea every night, drinking some red wine that Abbacchio always drank and surprisingly, wasn’t too bad for my tastes, and I would just stare at the sky and let my emotions pour out, but not without cursing myself for looking like an alcoholic.

What was different that night, however, was a very familiar voice that seemed rather irked, continued by a very pitched and nagging female voice.

It sounded like Abbacchio...But I could always be mistaken. After all, drinking a whole bottle of red wine by myself wasn’t the smartest thing to do.

They seemed to be arguing...I don’t know...I wouldn’t want to intervene in their couple affairs. Or at least, that’s what I said, until I heard a loud slapping sound, followed by a deathly silence, which is when I realised that the woman he was with slapped him.

I may not be his girlfriend, but godamn it, nobody treats my family like that...

I marched to where the sound of the woman yelling at him came from, and despite possibly being a bit wobbly, I wasn’t even sure, I glared at her, catching her wrist before she could slap him once again.

“Who the hell are you?! Who do you think you are, getting between me and my boyfriend like that?! You look like some drunk slut from the highway, we have no money for your cheap ass!” she shrieked in my face, trashing violently, but I made no hostile move, except for glaring blankly at her. “He’s my family...And I’ll be dead before I allow anyone to treat my family with such disrespect.” I spoke in a low and threatening voice, gripping her wrist tighter. “It’s fine, Katrina, I deserved it.” Abbacchio tried to defend his girlfriend, but I was having none of it. “No, it’s not fine. And you didn’t deserve it. Nobody deserves to be treated like that by the person they love.” I reply simply, but that seemed to make hell break loose. “Oh my GOD! Leone, this is all your fault! Who the hell made you know such a fucking annoying chick like her who doesn’t mind her own damn business?! Screw it, I’m going home! You owe me a nice fucking date next time!” she screamed at the top of her lungs, before pushing me away and stomping in the opposite direction. “God damn it...” Abbacchio’s low voice was barely audible. “Are you okay, Abba...? Does it hurt where she slapped you? Can I heal it with my Stand?” I tried to reach out instinctively with my hands, but he slapped them away harshly, glaring at me, which made me widen my eyes in shock. “Abba...?” I was barely able to speak out. “What the fuck is your problem?! Why do you have to put your nose everywhere that doesn’t concern you? That was MY girlfriend! My date, my problem, my responsibility! ALL mine! You never stop trying to pry into others’ business, under the pretext that we’re family and you want the best for us, but have you ever thought that maybe we DON’T need OR want that?!” it was the first time he spoke so harshly and aggressive toward me, that I had to take a few steps back, away from him, then turn around to hide the tears streaming down my face. “Okay. I won’t bother you ever again. I’m sorry I’m such a bother for everyone around me. Goodbye.” I manage to speak in a shaky voice, as I started walking back towards the place where I stood previously, but I was stopped by a hand on my shoulder. “W-Wait...Are you crying...?” Leone spoke in an unsure voice, as if he was somehow taken back to reality. “That shouldn’t concern you, should it? It’s none of your business and you shouldn’t pry so much into it. That IS what you said, right, Abbacchio? Who cares about poor little, annoying Katrina, after all? Nobody. Let it remain that way. Who knows, maybe you’ll have the look to completely get rid of me very soon.” I slapped his hand away, before disappearing into the night, not even bothering to hear him out anymore.

From then on, I wasn’t even able to fake my happiness, my face remaining blank and emotionless for most of the time, and I’d only stay around the team for as long the mission needed me, and then I’d just leave back home, to my little safe heaven where I could be myself... But honestly, I couldn’t even be myself there, for I wouldn’t even be able to cry out my feelings or anything of the sort, and for the most time, I’d just watch a movie or listen to music, without feeling anything at all, just wasting my time blankly.

The other guys would voice their concerns quite often and loud, since I wasn’t my usual calming, gentle and happy go lucky self anymore, and it was clear that something was wrong...Especially when I refused to stay anywhere near the silver haired man.

It wasn’t until Bruno paired me up with said man that hell broke loose in a way, and the whole drive to the assigned place was filled with awkward silence, with Abbacchio trying to make conversation by asking if I like the song that’s on or I want to change it, but I didn’t bother giving him any answer, merely looking in front of me as I drove.

By the time we got to the docks to investigate the place, I walked away from him to do my job, but he just stood there, staring into the horizon, trying to say something, but something was keeping him - Most likely his own walls he created.

“We should talk.” he finally spoke up after excruciating minutes. “Really?” I asked sarcastically, now even bothering to look at him. “What were you doing at the beach that night?” he asked after a long pause. “Strictly confidential.” I replied blankly, looking at the little dock house. “What...?!” my response seemed to shock him since I was never so harsh and direct with him, always preferring to speak with a gentler and softer way. “It’s none of your business, is it? Your words, not mine.” I explained as I got inside and looked around the place. “I didn’t mean that. Not a word I said.” he tried to say, but I cut him off fast. “Activate your Stand already, stop wasting time.” I got out, looking at him with a bored expression. “Besides, words spoken always have a meaning and consequences. Action-Reaction, like in Physics, y’know?” I pointed out, as I took a seat on one of the logs around. “Look, I know I fucked up. I lashed out at you for no reason, and I’m sorry about that. I want to make it up to you. You were right to worry about me. Anyone from the team would have done the same. I was an asshole with you, I know that. I let my feelings go out of control... I'm just that kinda guy... a worthless guy who can't see anything through to the end. I always screw it up halfway through.” he spoke now more than I’ve ever heard him before, but the way he described himself made me cringe. “Don’t...Speak like that about yourself...” I muttered, shifting my gaze from him to Moody Blues. “Huh? Even now, after I was such an asshole with you, you try to protect me? Aren’t you an angel?” he chuckled lightly, which only made me sneer. “Shut up. I’m sorry for caring about you and for not wanting you to go through what I’ve been through. But I should’ve known better. You’re 21, you already have enough experience to know what you get yourself into. I won’t say a word next time, don’t worry. I promised not to bother anyone again.” I rolled my eyes, crossing my legs to get more comfortable in my seat. “That guy really was a bastard, wasn’t he...?” he muttered with a somehow softened expression. “Don’t try to turn this around. This conversation isn’t about me and nor should you be concerned about me or my feelings in any way.” I reminded him once again, but he was always a stubborn guy. “Lately, I’ve been feeling worse and worse...I guess I just needed a distraction. I never held any feelings for that woman, nor did she for me.” he tried to justify himself, but I merely shrugged. “I don’t see how that concerns me in any way.” I scoffed in annoyance. “You’re the only one I’d trust with my feelings.” he spoke after a brief silence, but I could only laugh sardonically. “Oh, really? Really, now? Are you sure you want to say that after that night? Because, as far as I’m concerned, you want me out of your life! Why would you even bother trying to justify your actions to someone like me anyway?!” I got up, glaring at him dead on. “Look, I give you every right to be mad at me! You can go ahead and punch me or kick me or slap me or whatever, it doesn’t matter, I won’t feel anything so if it will make you feel better, lash out your anger on me, I’d deserve it anyway.” he spoke a bit louder, yet he wore his raw feelings on his sleeve. “Why...Would I do that? You, of all people, should know that I would never, in a million years, do something like that, no matter how angry I am. Are you trying to mock me...?” I narrowed my eyes at him, but he merely shook his head. “I’m trying to get you to forgive me. I’m just very bad at this whole feel-thing...Or people-thing. You already know my past and I’m pretty sure you figured by now why I act the way I act. It’s not rocket science. So just...Tell me what to do to get you to forgive me and be the way we were before. I can’t stand the idea of you hating me.” his voice became much softer and more emotional by the end of it, something uncharacteristic of him. “I don’t hate you.” I looked down, crossing my arms. “You don’t...?” he stepped forward, his face shocked. “I can’t. No matter how much I want to hate you for what you did...I can’t.” I mutter, biting my lip, averting my eyes away from him, until...”Hey...Doesn’t that look oddly enough like your girlfriend...?” I ask breathlessly as Moody Blues took the shape of the girl at the beach. “Oh, great...My hookup is a villain Stand user. Great news.” he facepalmed in anger, before he ran full speed towards me, pushing me away. “Look out!” “Wh-What...?! Leone...?!” I gasped in shock, seeing him on the ground, a really ugly wound on his torso. “Guess we have to kill her.” he chuckled weakly, as I could feel a drop of sweat run down my back. “Damn it, you idiot! You shouldn’t have done that! Why the hell would you do something like that?!” I freaked out, looking at his bleeding wound. “I’ll tell you if I make it through this.” he wore the ghost of a smile that almost challenged me. “...You always know how to irk me the wrong way, don’t you?” I grit my teeth, before I got up, activating my Stand. “I’m not a violent person, chickadee, but now you’ve done it. You really got me mad.” I growled, creating blasting shots of water and throwing them at the woman in front of me. “Awww, what is it? Were you jealous, after all? Were you after my man all this time~?” she giggled, throwing her own blasts of whatever kind of energy that was. “I have no reason to be jealous. Especially not on someone like you.” I smirk as I made molecules of water depart from the actual blast, that would glue themselves on her skin and would get absorbed into her organism. “Oh, really? Can you really afford to say that, even now, knowing that he fucked me?” she laughed condescendingly, but she had no idea what a gruesome demise she’d have. “I almost pity you, you know? You seem like the kind of person who never knew what love is...Not that I’m sympathetic to you in any way. But sure, use that as an excuse to pretend you’re not just an empty shell of yourself.” I chuckled, before snapping my fingers together, which made her explode. “Au revoir.” I flipped my hair, looking at the place she was at just a few seconds ago, before rushing to the fallen ally. “That was pretty cool.” Abbacchio smirked breathlessly. “Guess my plan worked. I tried to look cool in front of you.” I let out an amused breath, before I took off his top, focusing the water to regenerate the cells on his wound so he would heal. “It worked damn well.” he said in a lower voice, watching me heal his wound. “Next time, don’t do that. I almost had a heart attack.” I bit my lip, not daring to meet his gaze. “It’s fine...I don’t feel anything. I haven’t in a long while.” he tried to make light of the situation, but I knew. I knew the truth, but I couldn’t say anything.

I didn’t even realise that I stopped healing him until tears started falling down my cheeks without any means to stop.

“H-Hey, why are you crying? I was joking, don’t take me so seriously-” he tried to take that back, but I knew better. “Don’t do that...Don’t. Just don’t. I already know...I know that so much that it hurts...” I manage to speak, hiding my face with my hands, not wanting him to see me crying. “Hey, come on...No need to cry over someone like me. Your pretty face should shine with a smile all the time, not cry.” he put his arms around me, pulling me to his chest. “Don’t act so brave in front of me, it’s annoying. Not when I already know how much you’re hurting...I understand you so well...I’m just too scared to say it out loud...But lately, I couldn’t even pretend that it’s not true. That’s why...I wanted to protect you from everything bad that would make you feel even worse...” I tried to explain myself, until I felt a kiss on the top of my head. “Look, I’ll be frank. I love you. I’m done hiding. I didn’t want to say anything ‘cause you deserve better, not a depressed guy who’s stuck in the past. You deserve someone bright and caring like Buccellati who’d treat you like a princess and all that. I’m not worthy of your feelings.” he stroked my hair gently, pouring all his feelings out. “Don’t...Say that...Ever again. Look at me...You think I’m any better? Do you have any idea how lonely I’ve felt all this time since you all got too busy for your family? Do you have any idea how bad I felt without you guys around? As if before that wasn’t bad enough...Now I’ve become an even greater mess. I either cry randomly, or feel nothing at all. I don’t even know what I am or what I feel anymore...And you say you’re no good for me? Did you hit your head too or what?” I spoke out everything I had to say, not even feeling embarrassed or scared anymore. “Don’t say that...You will regret it later on. I can’t even help myself, how could I possibly support you emotionally in any way?” he asks in a self-deprecating tone. “You’re impossible...” I sigh dramatically, as I raise my head and cupping his face, I capture his purple-painted lips in a tender kiss, with enough passion to show him that I mean it, but gentle enough, almost as if afraid that either of us would break from the pent up emotions that kept overwhelming us. “Are you sure...?” he mutters, his eyes wide in surprise. “If you want another one, you can just say so.” I smirk softly, before he put one arm around me, while his other hand was on the back of my head, and he pulled me into another kiss, just as full of love. “Do I really have to ask?” he let out an amused breath. “No. I’ll just let you steal them.” I could feel the ghost of a side-smile creeping on my face as I helped him get up from the ground. “Well, mission complete. Let’s go back home now. We gotta report to our dear Capo, after all.” I intertwined my fingers with his. “There’s gonna be a lot of explaining to do. How bothersome.” he said, yes the chuckle betrayed his words. “Hey, I’ll just look at the bright side. I won’t have to sit at the restaurant table by myself anymore.” I shrugged with an innocent smile on my face. “Low blow, tesoro. Low blow.” he shook his head, yet he was smiling, just as much.

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entoman-created-by-the-tallgreys · 3 years

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Stay, Away from Deity’s !

Trust an Old Researcher !

. .

. . . Stay the FUCK ! Away from Deity’s . . .

Most of them are Mean and thay Just a rush off of the Power and Enjoy turning Mortal’s aka The Other Weaker Race’s of There Creation ( Ptah Did Literally 95 to 99.999999% of the Work )

Deity’s Love to Toy With Mortal’s and Abuse there Power ... as in Treat People Worthless ! Toy with them over power Them And Mass Destroy Them for there Own Enjoyment !

. . . .

Did u and or Have u Ever Wondered . . . Why Deity’s want ! Worship !

It’s Becuz There So Fucking Prideful !

. . .

Thay Want you to Worship them even Deity Has a Massive Ego about them ... to a Degree it is them !

A Part of the Deity Soul is Pure Ego . . .

No I’m Serious it Act’s Like a Blood for a deity .... and that is a Horrible way to define it 🤦🏻‍♂️

Deity’s Can’t Control there Ego the More of an adult thay get and Powerful

it take’s alot of Power for them to fight there Own Ego !

Ego Act’s Like a Power on it’s Own for a Deity !

It’s not Just Self Esteem !

. . . Deity’s also Do not Tolerate bale . .. if you Worship one deity and it Make’s some sort of Contact and then another deity look like a Greater offer ... REJECT !

that deity May not be Able to Protect you are may not care at all and is Simply Looking to get you Killed !

for fun . . . There Looking to Get the Other Kin to Get triggered so that thay get to Watch you die a Horrible death and thay’ll mock you as you gt sent ot hell !

DEITY’S ARE FUCKING CRUEL !

And you Wonder why there are a Degree Amount of Deity’s, Looking to Protect Mortal, Save Them and Aid them . . .

Some Deity’s, Are Kind to Mortal’s !

Some Rare few Deity Feel bad for the other Race’s of the Universe ... Getting Bullied by there Kin . . . and will Combat them as Hard as thay Can .... Thay do not Betray there kin only Don’t Want to Tolerate there bullshit !

. . . Deity’s . . .

Can do Amazing thing’s and then again thay can do utterly Awful thing’s

OH ! and a Good Way to Get any deity to turn on you is for you Blaspheme ! all deity’s Uphold that God dam Law !

DO ! NOT !!!! AND I SAY ! NOT !!! CALL YOUR SELF A DEITY ! if thou is not !

if you do this, All Deity’s Even God aka the Universe ! Will Mother fucking turn on you !

Any, Protection you had from a deity will be Gone and you might get a Cruse ! along with the Prick deity’s will be all over you Looking to Rip your Soul Apart like a Pack of Wolf’s . . .

Also . . . if you Want to Worship a deity . . . i Warn you . . . Deity’s May Turn into Prick’s if thay see you Worshiping them or thay Might test you for there Grace aka if you Deserve to Worship them

deity’s May also Deny you, Becuz the Energy of your soul is foul to them or you are Anti them and you are just Looking for something FROM Them

Anti them = you are No Right with them or Not true ! Like a demon trying to Worship a deity of Light ! BAM ! it’s fucked !

Also, Many Deity’s of Light are Prick’s ! Prideful Prick’s and thay will SERIIOUSLY ! rub it in every One’s Face till a dark deity or any other one But Most a Demonic Deity KICK THE LIVING FUCK OUT OF THEM !

And then it WW3 !

All deity’s Are endlessly Ego . . . You Need to Just get Used to it, Deal with it and Never Attack there ego in less you Want to Wage War With a deity becuz the Moment you Nick there Ego is the Moment you Attack’d there Entire Soul !

you gave them the Greatest of Insult’s and Pissed them off

You Might of Made a friend with another deity in Secret or you Might of Made even More Enemy’s and deity’s Love to Show off How Much fucking Power Thay have and How Much thay can use it !

. . . Also . . .

Don’t fuck with deity’s, Either . . . there Easy to Upset and Piss off

And Never Say you are Higher then them . . . in less you Want the biggest fight of your .... Soul ... Becuz you Ain’t Going to Be Alive for Long . . .

And . . . . . . . . All deity’s, Do Not Forgive a Sin .... EVER !

( Ptah is Diffrent . . . And even He Dose not forgive Mortal’s but that Dosen't mean a deity Can’t get there Ass Kicked for it )

you May of Got away in the Moment but a Deity’s Hatred is True Karma !

. . . Im’ma End the Post ... it’s Long Enough .... i Don’t Want you to read a Book for a Post even tho i Needed to Give u The Data !

Deity’s, Are Powerful, Cruel, Over Powering, Alien’s that Came from the Great Chaos into a Boundless Void what we Call Place long, Long before it Had Planets and Star’s and even Black Hole’s !

and Made Everything !

. . .

Deity’s Get Alot of There Knowledge About Magic and Power’s FROM ! the Great Chaos ! but thay also Never Want to go back to that Place.

#Deitys #Are #Aliens #From the #Great CHaos

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wellesleyunderground · 3 years

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Pandemic Pregnancy by Jess Sirizzotti ‘10 (@JezRebelle)

Having your first kid during a global pandemic makes for a very weird experience. Though the much anticipated “quarantine baby boom” turned out not to be the reality, there were still many pregnancies that started, continued, or wrapped up in 2020-2021.

Being pregnant during a pandemic is about as isolating as you’d expect. Reduced immunity plus *gestures vaguely* everything meant that a lot of people grew a person in unprecedented ways. What I struggled with the most (beyond the overarching panic and dread of a world on fire) was that there was no benchmarking. I could have made it nine months at work before telling anyone, because they only saw me on video conference from the clavicle up. There were no hospital tours, no childbirth classes, no expectant parenting groups.

Whenever you’re going through it, there seems to be no middle ground between dry, evidence-based medicine and projecting yourself entirely into the astral plane for communing with the ancestors. Here are a few things that helped me through my pregnancy, and some things I wish I’d known earlier.

Illustration Credit: Mercedes deBellard

Prep work

There are plenty of guides about how much you should have saved or what kind of physical shape you should be in. Some of that is helpful.

Oddly missing from those guides is “get a handle on your traumas.” Talk to a therapist. Talk to a partner. Talk to yourself in a diary where you ask yourself questions about what you want to carry with you and what terrifies you about having a kid. There are questionnaires for people donating living organs, and it does not hurt to say, “Hey, if there is a problem with ANY OF THE MYRIAD OF THINGS THAT CAN GO WRONG, how would I work through those feelings? What are the boundaries I want for this process that will make me feel safer or in control?””

If you’re getting pregnant with someone who will raise this kid with you, get into it with them. Have very specific conversations about what you will do about parental leave, diapers, daycare, requests for tattoos from a twelve-year-old. My husband and I would read the Care & Feeding parenting column from Slate, debating how we would handle the conundrums of different letters before getting the “answer” from the columnist.

Also, get as full a picture of family pregnancy as you can. You might know your own birth story, but what about the other half of the genetics you’ll be juggling? I, personally, managed to mash up my MIL’s hyperemesis gravidarum and my mom’s gestational diabetes which has been...not a great time.

And ask *lots* of questions. I had pretty low-stakes issues making it into the world, but it turns out all my dad’s generation of siblings all needed to stay in the NICU. My dad had multiple full-body blood transfusions in his first days. That would have been helpful to know!

That said, what I was most shocked to learn is that there is no way to know what kind of pregnancy you’re going to have until you’re in it. Even if you’ve had a kid before—you can have wildly different experiences! There’s literally no way to know in advance!

Pro tip: you can’t know for certain what pregnancy will be like for you, but getting a broad picture can help it seem less like a cliff jump into the unknown.

Getting pregnant will take longer than you think

Once again, for those in the back, GETTING PREGNANT WILL TAKE LONGER THAN YOU THINK.

For starters, you will need to stop not getting pregnant, which has been the focus of most young adult lives since your fertility started. I had to get my IUD removed and also get revaccinated for a bunch of things (rubella, flu, tetanus). If you were on the pill, it may take a few months to get everything out of your system. Then, you will do something to try to get pregnant and wait for two weeks. Whether it takes two weeks, two months, or ten years—it will feel like a very long time.

Especially because by this point, I felt ready to have a child. I looked at the calendar and thought, “Oh good, the kid will be X horoscope sign. They’ll have their birthday during the school year. Their birthday will be X year, and that will be easy to remember.” I made plans.

And then I just...didn’t get pregnant. And kept not getting pregnant. Every month of getting my period was so frustrating. I had charted my cycle! I had taken my temperature to figure out if I was ovulating! I swallowed these giant prenatal vitamins that are the size of a human toe!

Some people do get pregnant instantly, and many blessings on their ultra-efficient plumbing. Some people get pregnant when they don’t want to, and they should be able to have a choice about whether to have those kids.

For most people, there will be a while between deciding to have a child through pregnancy and getting one started. It is happening everywhere, to countless people, and is one of the hardest, loneliest, most unintelligible experiences—made worse by the fact that people are shoving their feet into their own faces around you for the entire experience. You’re surrounded by people getting pregnant (magically! easily! with barely a whisper of effort!), people asking you when you will become pregnant, people congratulating you on not being pregnant because you can go out, drink, get really into aerial silks, etc. And you will have to not punch them in the face.

If you are under 35, most doctors will not even talk to you about fertility issues until you have tried for a year. That’s a minimum of twelve cycles of trying, twelve “I feel really good about this month” conversations, twelve pregnancy tests that say you’re not pregnant, twelve months at a job you may not like but stay at because they have good parental leave benefits or insurance coverage.

After a year (and after you get on their schedule) a fertility specialist can offer you fun adventures like getting dye injected into your fallopian tubes to see if they’re blocked, approval to shoot yourself up with expensive hormones (at home! with a real needle!), and any of the other amazing methods technology and medicine have discovered that tweak any of the multitude of handoffs that need to happen for a pregnancy to “take.”

If I can ask one thing, assume at least one person in earshot of your public conversation is trying to get pregnant and can’t—and be a little kinder.

Pro tip: get the cheaper pregnancy tests with lines rather than the electronic ones with words, because there are few bigger downers than seeing “NOT PREGNANT” month after month.

Find a practitioner you like

Because eventually, you will want to strangle them. It’s important to start with someone you like, so that the strangling phase will be late in the pregnancy and not a sustained hatred for nine full months.

Whether you’re pregnant or working with a reproductive specialist, having someone who listens to you will help. Some people cannot deal with hippie woo woo, some cannot imagine a pregnancy that’s all medical jargon. If you’re a person of color or want to have certain cultural traditions respected from the get-go, vetting at the beginning can avoid being at loggerheads later. Take some time to reflect on good and bad medical experiences you’ve had, and if you have options, choose someone who will not make you hyperventilate every time you have an appointment.

For me, I knew I needed a doctor who would not give me a hard time about weight gain. I have a history of disordered eating and (pre-pregnancy) was competing as a super heavyweight lifter, so am used to plenty of unsolicited opinions about my weight and what I should be doing with it. Pregnancy is fraught enough to take a single off-hand comment to an extreme, and I was deeply uninterested in negotiating an anorexia relapse while battling all the pregnancy changes.

If you have some time, shuffle up your pre-pregnancy appointments to get a feel for different doctors. I pulled up ZocDoc for my insurance network and came up with some finalists: had my annual exam by one, my IUD taken out by another, and my MMR re-vaccine done by a third. I knew my practice was right for me when the doctor offered to take all weight measurements patient-blind for the entire pregnancy.

Pro tip: think about what style of doctoring would make you feel better during this time, and give yourself the gift of one less thing to stress about.

Taking information in

Like the best of us, I enjoy a Wikipedia rabbit hole. I’m an especially good finder and am frequently tagged in as the friend who can unearth the secret Tumblr or yearbook photo of an elusive crush. I can find anything, and have a Jeopardy-level mental trapper keeper for bizarre edge-cases.

This is...not great for pregnancy, especially when unleashed on the “seems legit” constellation of mommy blogs. There are a million things that can go wrong with a pregnancy, and past a certain point, knowing more does not make you more likely to avoid or survive them.

Think of it like a fractal. Having the general shape of the tree: useful. Hyperfocusing so hard on one of the branches that you lose days in front of the computer screen, diving deeper into medical texts and unconfirmed narratives until you completely glaze over: less so.

Knowing this about myself helped me manage the unceasing amount of feedback offered by everyone from doctors to bystanders. I limited myself to one book (Emily Oster’s Expecting Better, which is wonderful), a doctor I trusted, and small doses of the Wellesley pregnancy group. I still couldn’t stop myself from reading every op-ed about miscarriage and stillbirth, but I was able to process them as things I was choosing to read instead of a compulsion I could not turn off.

Pro tip: really think about how much information serves you. It can feel like knowing every little thing will make you an expert who is ironclad against any malady. That’s, unfortunately, not how it works.

Sending information out

Like information gathering, you’ll want to decide how, when, and who to share information with. Having a pandemic pregnancy gave me a lot more power over when I disclosed than I would have had normally—I was sick as hell and it would have been a first-month discussion at work rather than a third-month one. It has allowed others to have entire pregnancies in private, only announcing when the baby has been delivered.

I found it helpful to think of pregnancy updates in concentric rings: my husband and I in the innermost circle, immediate family and some friends next, wider friend group and extended family, and then everyone else. I didn’t have to give minute-by-minute updates to everyone in the world if I didn’t want to, and a quick “Oh actually that’s private” was usually enough to keep any especially nosy questions to a minimum.

There were people who surprised me with wanting to know much more, and some who heard “baby” and unsubscribed. Both are fine!

Pro tip: if at all possible, curate a group of friends who are far from having first kids so that you can be assured of a rapt audience of “WHAT can happen??” Plus, at least one friend with a recent kid who’s very organized who can tell you what’s helpful to buy and what is BS.

Particular pandemic weirdness (good and bad)

While it has been lonely, it has also been wonderfully private. Some particular strange markers:

It is very odd to go from several months of zero physical contact with anyone outside my apartment directly into an intravaginal ultrasound.

My husband is going to meet our doctor at the delivery, because no one except patients is allowed past the lobby at our practice.

I will likely not need to buy any maternity clothes, because my pandemic outfits of blousy shirts and stretchy pants to work from home will suit perfectly.

No one touches my stomach unless I want them to.

Remote birthing classes allow you to snicker as much as you’d like from the comfort of your couch.

Things I did not know and wish I had

The way they count how far along you are starts from the first day of your last period. That is not when you got pregnant, but is the easiest way to have a consistent range for all patients (who may or may not be tracking ovulation spikes).

It is normal to have spotting-level breakthrough bleeding at some point during your pregnancy. The books will tell you this. Your doctor will tell you this. I am telling you this now. It will not make a damn bit of difference, because the moment you see blood, you will panic and be certain you are having a miscarriage. No one will be able to convince you otherwise until you get checked out.

Your entire digestive system slows waaaay down to accommodate a pregnancy, and is part of the reason for nausea. I had heard that you will need to pee all the time, but hadn’t heard that you will almost entirely stop pooping. And then once a week, you will crap yourself inside out.

The placenta can grow wherever it wants, including smack-dab over your cervix. This offends me more than I can say. That’s where the baby needs to go out! (C-section is required in these cases)

A cesarean birth is a horizontal cut, like an envelope opening and then they squeeze the baby through it. I always pictured it vertical, like opening a book.

Acronyms are a minefield on pregnancy forums. For months, I read posts thinking “FTM” meant “female-to-male trans person” instead of “first-time mom.” Don’t be afraid to Google to keep your bearings, but also feel free to create your own—DH can be “Dear” or “Damn” Husband depending on context.

“Morning sickness” is a misnomer. It can happen all day. It can happen for your whole pregnancy, though most women see a gradual decrease after the first trimester. I’m mid-way through my third trimester, and still throwing up six times a day. If I had known that earlier, I would not have tried to “stick it out” for as long as I did: cooking meals from scratch, insisting that pre-packaged snacks were for wimps. If you are sick, get comfortable EARLY. You don’t get extra points or a better baby for staying miserable, so you might as well lean in to Couch and Cheese Central. If it clears up, great. If not, at least you’re not already tired from trying too hard.

Around 4% of babies are born on their due dates. Do not assume your third trimester will be the length you would like it to be. My doctor has proposed a 37 week induction (because of all the sickness and gestational diabetes). While that is technically full-term, that news was given to me in such a way that low-balled the panic of being A FULL MONTH EARLY. As in, LOSING A THIRD OF THE TRIMESTER.

The baby is lower than you may expect—actual location is generally half-way between navel and nethers. If you’re patting the top of a pregnant person’s stomach (with their permission), you are far away from where the kid is.

There is no good news during a pregnancy. The best you can hope for is continuing to meet the baseline. I am so much more understanding of gender reveal parties, because it is literally the only test result that you can have an opinion about. No ultrasound or blood test will come back with, “Congratulations, your child is gifted!” or “They’re going to be so good at tennis!” It is nine straight months of finding out you’re high risk or not for sickle-cell anemia or tuberculosis. I stopped writing them down after awhile because it felt like every one was, “Oh damn, I didn’t even know we were still concerned about that.”

“Round ligament pain” is the technical term for sharp, stabbing pain in your groin caused by all the ligaments in your hips and crotch helpfully loosening to allow for gestation and birth. This can start as early as 14 weeks, which one would think is way too fricking early for it, but nope. You’d be wrong. The general recommendation for this is to keep your knees together, to which I say, “That particular ship has left the harbor.”

#wellesley underground #pregnancy #pandemic pregnancy

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bigfan-fanfic · 5 years

Text

Poker Face (Batdad Headcanons)

Requested by Anonymous for an empath batdad

The family knows better than to ask when you start chuckling that chuckle. But it was hard back when they were newcomers.

Like when Damian arrived.

Damian whines about how stupid something is.

And everyone ignores you snickering in the background.

Except Damian. “Is there a problem?” he spits angrily.

You smile innocently. “Nope.”

And it keeps happening. Damian isn’t stupid. He notices that it happens whenever he’s lying or covering up an emotion. So he goes for the obvious answer.

“Where did you learn to read body language so well? Who trained you?” he demands.

And the whole group, even Bruce, starts laughing their heads off.

Don’t worry, Damian. You’re amazing at self-control. I’m just an empath.”

You can sense the emotions of people around you. While it isn’t precisely mind-reading, like a telepath, it is somehow more true. People can lie to themselves with their thoughts. Emotions are powerful, and cannot lie. So you can sense when someone is angry but pretends nothing’s happening.

You can tell when Bruce is dog-tired and needs rest despite appearing wide-awake and alert.

You know when Jason is straining himself not to laugh at your puns and dad jokes, even though his face is impassive.

You feel it when Dick is sad, though he always puts a big smile on.

You sense when Tim wants to do something other than his work as Robin despite his protests to the contrary.

And you can tell when Damian is scared even though he denies it and pretends otherwise.

Sometimes it’s fun and useful, being able to tell when they’re lying or hiding something. You can get them what they need without them even acknowledging they needed it.

Other times, it’s more trouble.

Like when you found out what Talia had done to Bruce. You sensed the guilt, the self-revulsion from Bruce, and had to help him.

Or when Bruce first met Scarecrow and got a dose of Fear Toxin, and was hiding the bloodcurdling fear rumbling inside him.

Or when Jason died, and you felt the rage and self-hatred from Bruce.

It’s come in handy several times, beyond a lie detector for your family.

When you met Bruce’s old friend Tommy Elliot, you immediately sensed the hatred and envy in him and warned Bruce.

Even when Cobblepot first arrived in town, you immediately could tell he was crooked. Although, to be honest, everyone could tell. Not to judge a book by its cover, but Penguin... come on. He just screams “evil”

In fact, pretty much all of Gotham’s villains have a penchant for sneaking around in plain sight, where you get a read on them.

Dr. Pamela Isley? Shady.

Dr. Jonathon Crane? Sneaky.

Pretty much anyone in Gotham with a PhD? Watch out.

All the Batfam has memorized your “empath expressions” in order to know what’s up without you saying anything.

Huge smirk? Someone really likes something and is pretending they don’t. Example A: Tim talking about how much he dislikes Conner. Cue big smirk.

Pursed lips? Someone is acting nice but feels differently. Example: Gotham bigwig smiles and hugs an orphan at a charity gala. You purse your lips, and everybody knows that this person is shady.

In fact, Gotham society has learned to trust your facial expressions. Several social media accounts are dedicated to pictures of your first impressions of people, with a 1-10 rating of trustworthiness.

Anyway, Bruce sometimes gets annoyed by your ability (usually when you call him out), but mostly he finds it incredibly useful, and just another wonderful part of the man he loves.

#male reader #batdad reader #batman x male reader #batman headcanons #dc headcanons #headcanons

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pokemonswshbutionlyplayedsword · 4 years

Note

How about an AU where all the gym leaders +Hop, Marnie, Rose and Oleana 's personalities are completely reversed, like for example Milo turns into a savage and Bea turns into a human slaking.

That’s interesting. The Gym Challenge would probably be kind of unpleasant since the gym leaders would go from being kind of encouraging to rude and dismissive. This turned into a backwards bizarre world where everyone’s angry and evil. Also, I added Bede, even though you didn’t ask. I made myself sad with the misery that’s around this world.

Milo would be pretty lazy and not care about his farm at all. He’d be mean and selfish as well. Probably a healthy dose of hatred for pokemon as well. There’s a chance he’s only a gym leader for money or fame. He’s not humble at all, either.

Nessa’s confidence vanishes completely. She often wears clothes too large for her to cover her body up. She’s quiet and softspoken, and she’ll avoid people as much as possible. She’s probably only a gym leader because she has to be. She doesn’t like attention at all.

Kabu is ignorant and irresponsible. He’s reckless and careless. He disregards the challengers, and rarely takes them seriously. He doesn’t take his gym very seriously, and whatever happens, happens. He doesn’t care about the fate of his gym, and literally anyone who asks can be a gym trainer. He’s got no standards.

Bea is lazy and doesn’t care about her training. She became a gym leader because she was a prodigy from the start, and now she just thinks she’s the greatest. She disregards all of her responsibilities, and mostly just sits around. She watches tv and eats snacks all day, and she doesn’t care at all to meet new people. She’ll tell her fans to leave her alone pretty often.

Allister is a brat, plain and simple. He’ll say what he wants, when he wants, and he gets everything he wants no matter what. As soon as he hears the word “no” he throws a tantrum, because he’s a gym leader, so he should get everything. He disregards everyone who wants to meet them, and his advice to everyone is “don’t try, I’m a prodigy, and you can’t keep up with me.”

Opal doesn’t care about her gym. She handed it off years ago to some kid that showed “promise.” She doesn’t care about anything anymore. She stays in her house or goes to plays. She’s just a wicked old lady who uses her age to act entitled. She’s also ignorant about most things and whenever she talks the majority of it is just shit she made up to sound smart.

Gordie has no care at all about how people see him, and he doesn’t care about his fans either. He avoids them at any cost because his time and training are more important. He wants to be better than his mother, and he might have chosen to be a rock type trainer because he hates Melony. Their fight is over who gets to have control over the gym.

Melony is not a good mother. She is self absorbed and does things selfishly. She likes the fame and fortune of being a gym leader. She’s mad at Gordie, borderline hates him for betraying her and being a rock type trainer. And now he’s trying to steal the gym from her? The way she sees it, Gordie’s not her son anymore.

Piers is two sided, normally, so he’s be very flat and lack any sort of personality if it was swapped. He pretends to have quirks and personalities so people will like him and give him what he wants, but at home, he lacks any sort of interests. He’s pretty bland, and he’s exactly what he looks like, prickly and aggressive. He doesn’t get close to anyone, not even Marnie. He keeps to himself and doesn’t care about anyone else. His hobbies are absolutely zero, he’s just kind of existing. No feelings, heart empty. He also lacks any standards and will do whatever it takes to win a pokemon battle, including dynamax if he has the chance. Spikemuth fell to pieces long before Piers was gym leader, so he gave up on saving it. He’s only a gym leader because it’s he best source of income in the dump that Spikemuth became. It’s pretty much a landfill that poor people live in.

Raihan is shy and hides away from people. He runs away from fans when they recognize him, and he hardly touches social media because he’s scared. He doesn’t do any reading in his isolation, either, he just watches the pokemon version of youtube all day and trains somewhere where people can’t bother him. He hates being around the other gym leaders because he doesn’t care for them at all. He just wants his paycheck and his time alone at home.

Leon is boastful and has a serious superiority complex. He thinks he’s above the rest of Galar, including what in canon he would consider friends and family. He doesn’t associate with any “peasants” and he’s not afraid to tell off Rose or any associates. He thinks he’s right all the time and the world owes him their lives since he’s so skilled. He doesn’t bother with Hop, either, since he’s insulted that Hop thinks he can beat him.

Hop is angry and cold to everyone. It probably has something to do with his brother’s behavior, but he leaves no room for fun and games and works himself half to death. His only goal, really, is to rise to the top and crush everyone beneath him. Nobody is worth his time, and he has no interest in his growing fan base. He’ll get angry and ruse with anyone that interrupts him while he’s working, which he always is.

Marnie in canon hides a kind and loving personality behind a cold and serious exterior. So she’s now a cruel and vicious girl who hides her darker side behind a sweet facade. She can be manipulative and cunning, and will do anything to get what she wants. She learned it from watching Piers, from afar, since they’re not close at all. She wants to be powerful so she can take over Spikemuth Gym. She wants to snatch it from Piers and show him up so everyone can see how great she is. Of course, being the next champion would be even better. She wants to leave her shithole of a home in Spikemuth far behind if she can.

Bede is one of the only kind people in this backwards world. He’s just trying to be a good trainer, and thinks that his best chance is to be good and kind. He’s kind, but he’s not stupid, and no one can make him do anything he doesn’t want to. He’s got strong morals and will stick to them no matter what. He never gets to take over Ballonlea Gym because Opal handed it off a long time ago, so he’s trying to just become a gym leader by being strong and hard working.

Rose is the classic fat cat corporate. It’s all about money for him. He’ll do whatever he can to spend as little money as possible and gain as much as possible. He doesn’t care about quality or the people. He uses Leon for his own selfish gain, and Leon goes with it because he also benefits. Rose doesn’t care about Galar, he’s ruined the environment and the economy. Spikemuth is in even worse condition than in canon because it doesn’t profit. It’s basically a bunch of shacks in a pile of rubble.

Oleana worries about what Rose is doing. She can see people struggling. She sees the misery around Galar because all the gym leaders, the champion, and the chairman are awful. Everyone’s unhappy and that makes her sad. She’s kind to as many people as she can be, but people usually use it to walk all over her and exploit her kindness. She just wants to fix the damage that Rose and his lackeys have caused. And yes, the gym leaders and Leon are his lackeys. They’ll do whatever he says to get themselves ahead.

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theloyaltyofthewolves · 4 years

Text

stray kids

one of you asked me if i could talk about why i love stray kids on my old blog. i know it’s about three months too late, but if ur still out there anon, this one’s for you.

it’s been five years since i stumbled into the world of kpop. i started listening in 2015. which is crazy. you know how long ago five years was? bts hadn’t even won an award in 2015. b*g b*ng was still together in 2015. twice and ikon won rookie of the year, nct hadn’t debuted, exo had just begun their rise to fame.

it’s been a fun five years. i have loved many different groups. i have watched them sprout, grow, blossom, followed several of them to stardom. some of them, i’ve broken up with. many of them, i still check in with from time to time. i’ve watched several of them disband or go into hiding. i still listen to their music, i still watch their old fancams.

this is all to say that stray kids are different. they always have been and i knew that right away. i was sitting in my dorm room, five thirty am, headphones on while my roommate slept, watching the 2018 MAMA awards. you know the performance. we all know the performance. two years later, and it’s still their best performance. not just because they won rookie of the year, not just because of bluesung. but because they threw absolutely everything they could into it. sure, maybe the show was a little sloppy. maybe there were mistakes, maybe they were a little bit awkward, maybe the vocals weren’t perfect, maybe they couldn’t fill the whole stage. but they were giving it everything they had. and the thing abt live streams, live performances, is that shit like that shows. you can dose up music videos with as many special effects as you like. you can edit the official recordings, slip in some autotune, crop some angles, blur some skin as much as you want. but you cannot fake desperation. you can’t fake passion.

to this day, i have never seen a performance like that. not from a rookie group, not from a veteran. i didn’t even know who the hell they were, where the hell they had come from, who they belonged to, what their names were, but i could feel their desperation across six thousand miles of ocean. in an industry overflowing with glittering diamonds, these kids were broken shards of obsidian. they were raw. they were unpolished. they were sharp. they had cut themselves open for this performance, they were bleeding all over the stage.

i will always have a weak spot for underdogs. for the kids who fight tooth and nail just to be there, who come out with scraped knees and bruised knuckles. the kids who force themselves into places they don’t fit into, stages too clean for them. the kids who make a scene just by showing up. who come in hot, burning, running their mouths. talking way bigger than they are, way bigger than they have any right to be. the reckless hubris of youth, the kind that turns heads. fucking look at us. fucking pay attention. we fought to be here, we survived, we’re staying.

that is what stray kids is. an experiment, a test. eight wolves just coming into their own. they’re messy and they’re ragged and they’re scrappy and they’re real. they can’t be handled the way that other groups have been built to be, they can’t be air-brushed into perfection. the thing about a company ceding control the way it has is that there is no reclaiming it. there’s no picking up the end of the leash once it’s been dropped. stray kids are self-made. they built themselves with their bare hands. it’s their blood, their sweat, their sacrifices. their music, their dream, their voice, their sleepless nights and empty bank accounts. their fire, their heart, their honest-to-god love. yes, they have been confined within the limits of jyp and yes, they are still chained to the performative nature of being an idol. but they have pulled the boundaries far further than any group that has come before them. their own terms, their own music, their own limits. stray kids are the new standard.

and then there are the members themselves. i could spend another four thousand words talking about why i love them individually. but stray kids are more than the sum of their parts. they always have been.

all idol groups love each other. i cannot imagine there is any other way that they survive. the pressure, the expectations, the fame, the stress, the exhaustion, the bullshit, the objectification, the subjugation. being worked to the bone, run like a racehorse, treated like a commodity instead of a human being. it’s a version of trauma bonding, it really is. your teammates become the only people who understand what you are going through, who can relate to you, share your burden. they are also often the only ones looking after each other. keeping each other safe, keeping each other healthy. friends, if not family. allies, if not friends. teammates rely on each other, that is universal.

but stray kids’ bond runs deeper than that.

we like to talk like it was fate that they found each other, like they stumbled into one another and it all just fell together and everyone was happy and the river ran smooth and the blood was sweet like honey. we like that, we think there’s something holy in it because it rings like destiny and we like that. soulmates, meant-to-be’s.

that’s not what they are. i wish i could get it stapled across my blog in big bold letters. it’s not a coincidence. it’s not a miracle. it’s not an accident. stray kids are not an act of fate, they are an act of love and that is what makes them so fucking special.

it’s not luck that got them this close. it’s not destiny. stray kids put in the time. they put in the effort. they looked at each other and they decided this isn’t going to be an accident. love takes work. love takes sacrifice. love takes patience and selflessness and respect and effort. it’s not one and done, you don’t just fall in love and everything falls into place. choosing to love someone, committing yourself to someone, devoting yourself to someone – never mind seven other people – is a big fucking deal. it has to be done consciously. it has to be done on purpose. you have to look inside of yourself and say this is more important. these people are more important. i will put them first over everything.

it’s the millionth time, but i’ll say it once more for the people in the back: stray kids practice active love. love as an action, love as a verb, love as an act of defiance. on purpose, on purpose. i’m going to love you on purpose. i’m going to take you for everything you are, all your flaws and all your strengths, all your dreams and all your fears, all the stones and scars and ghosts that you carry. i’m going to love you for all of it. the good and the bad.

losing teammates is a bitter and terrible loss. it must haunt them restlessly, follow in their footsteps and shadow their shoulders, whispers in their ears at every turn. wounds like that don’t heal right on their own, so they have stitched themselves up with parts of each other. it’s why they never stray too far, are never more than an arm’s length from each other’s sides. it’s why chan doesn’t let the kids out of his sight, why they are always so on-edge when they are not eight, why every time one of their teammates is returned to them, he is subjected to a full check-up by seven worried faces. they all have it, that obsessive tic. they reassure with their hands, with physical touch. tangible. it’s not enough to see, they have to feel each other under their fingers. reassure that we are here, we are together, we are eight and we are still alive. they are terrified to lose one another so they bind themselves tighter, lean on each other harder, love fiercer and bloodier.

it’s an act of resistance, love like that. screaming into the endless void of hate and emptiness, loneliness and despair, failure, defeat, grief. even after all this time. all the heartbreak and the devastation, everything they’ve lost, all the tragedy. to get back up, to put on a brave face, to take a stand with your chin up and your arms outstretched: these are my people. my heart and my soul, my blood and my bones. you cannot take them from me, you will not take them from me, i will cherish them to my death, i will protect them to my death, i will love them to my death. practicing active love because they want to be together, because they will be together, because they are better when they are together--that’s brave. that is bravery. that is an act of rebellion and it is the most human thing one could do and it is the reason i love them more than anything. because they love each other on purpose, and because somehow in this world of chaos and violence and hatred and fear, that is enough.

you kiss me with your mouth wide open like you're not afraid of swallowing poison. i taste the good and the bad in you and want them both. we call this bravery. - anita ofokansi

#in this stray kids shit for life my dudes #truly some of the bravest kindest most incredible kids ive ever seen #we are lucky to know you boys #stray kids fighting #until the end of the road #happy valentine's day #stray kids #skz #long post #bang chan #lee minho #lino #seo changbin #hwang hyunjin #han jisung #lee felix #kim seungmin #yang jeongin #and now the loyalty of the wolves

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querenciablogs · 3 years

Text

Psycho - Chapter 19+20

Chapter 19

It was getting late and Seungmin left Seohyun's apartment after the surprise he had planned for her. The sun was setting and another day has passed. Seungmin hoped to see Jun-seo, but he was also having fun with Seohyun. It was when someone unexpectedly appeared... And it caught Seungmin's attention.

"Jun-seo hyung!" Seungmin exclaimed eagerly. He was surprised and bewildered at his hyung being there. Seohyun had mentioned so many times about seeing Jun-seo to him, but he couldn't believe what he had heard then. Now, he knew that it wasn't just Seohyun's imagination.

Jun-seo glared disgustingly at Seungmin. His reaction wasn't something Seungmin had expected. Instead, it was the polar opposite of what Seungmin thought Jun-seo might've felt and react when he saw him.

"Hyung, what's wrong?" Seungmin asked confused. And, just as he was about to hug to comfort Jun-seo, but he grabbed Seungmin by the collars almost choking Seungmin.

"Bastard!" Jun-seo scowled as he punched Seungmin by the jaw.

"Hyung, what's wrong?" Seungmin asked, muddled by Jun-seo's behavior. He had never behaved this way unless he was mad at something or someone.

"You know what's wrong. It's when you don't know your limits," Jun-seo said in a low, husky tone, as he punched Seungmin again near the nose.

Seungmin couldn't take this anymore. Jun-seo had never behaved this way with him, but he knew he couldn't fight back. It wasn't what Seohyun would've wanted.

"Seohyun?" Seungmin asked with a mocking tone in his voice.

"Don't even say her name with that mouth of yours!" Jun-seo exclaimed as he kicked Seungmin, who was lifelessly lying down on the floor, blood flowing everywhere.

"Why?" Seungmin asked pretending to be innocent.

"You know exactly why, Jeon Seungmin. You knew how much I loved and cared about her. And without any fear or hesitation, you tried to take her away from me," Jun-seo said with tears in his eyes and with a shaky voice as he continued, "Why are you doing this to me, Seungmin? Why?" His voice started to crack.

"Then, why don't you try to take better care of her? Do you know how much pain she had to go through all because of you?" Seungmin said in a high voice. Rage was burning inside him, while sadness and despair were taking over his mind.

Little did they know, someone was watching them since the beginning...

"Oppa? Seungmin?" a familiar voice said in shock.

"Seohyun?!" they both said in unison.

"Seohyun, how long have you been here?" Seungmin asked surprised.

"Long enough to know everything," Seohyun said as she glared at Jun-seo.

"Seohyun-ah, I can explain," Jun-seo tried to explain with tears welling in his eyes.

"You don't need to. I got everything I need to know and, I never knew you would be this cruel," Seohyun said, disappointed and hurt. Seohyun neither any tears left nor any feelings for Jun-seo. She didn't even care that he was there.

Jun-seo glared at Seungmin with hatred in his eyes as Seungmin let out a playful smirk making Jun-seo wanting to kill him.

"Seungmin, let's go to my apartment. You can stay there tonight for the time being," Seohyun reassured him.

"Seohyun, why are you inviting a guy over at your place?" Jun-seo asked, shocked.

"To take care of him, of course. Why? Are you jealous?" Seohyun replied.

"Yes, you're mine," as those words that left Jun-seo's mouth. They made Seohyun stopped what she was doing. She couldn't even remember the last time she ever thought about Jun-seo. Even if she missed him, Seungmin was always there for her. He was always comforting her and making everything that had a bad effect on her to disappear. She forgot about her life, her worries, and Jun-seo when she was with Seungmin.

"Can't deal with it, hyung," Seungmin whined as Seohyun kneeled beside him to help him get up. Jun-seo felt defeated, miserable. All of those feelings came rushing to his head, making him feel dizzy. He put his cap and mask back on and parted ways with Seohyun...

"Now, let's get you cleaned and fixed," Seohyun said as she grabs a cotton pad and Denatured alcohol from the wooden table.

-Time Skip: After Seungmin got cleaned up-

"Welp, I guess you're staying at my place tonight since it's late for you to get home," Seohyun said.

"Fine," Seungmin muttered.

Seungmin picked up a snow globe that contained a small cabin with a dog and a snowman on the sides and it was on Seohyun's marble table beside her bed.

"Wow, this is pretty," he said.

"Yeah... Jun-seo gave me that," Seohyun's voice suddenly turned cold and heartless.

"What's wrong?" Seungmin comforted her.

"Nothing I'm fine," Seohyun said as she thinks about the time Jun-seo gave her the snowglobe.

-Flashback-

"Eeeek! I'm so excited!" Seohyun squealed in excitement.

"You can open your eyes now," Jun-seo said.

"Wow, it's so pretty!" Seohyun said in amazement as she shakes the reflective snow globe with her name printed on a heart shape gold plate at the bottom.

"I'm glad you like it!" Jun-seo said.

Then, they both hugged each other as a thank you.

-Flashback ended-

Seohyun tried to get the memories out of her head but no matter how much she tries, she still gets flashbacks of the time she was with Jun-seo and it made her sad but also frustrated.

"We should sleep. It's already midnight," Seungmin said.

"Yeah," Seohyun said as she turned off the lights.

"Good night," they both said in unison.

As she drifts away to sleep, Seohyun felt that something extraordinary is going to happen. And that feeling was getting stronger... it was getting stronger every day she was with Seungmin...

Chapter 20

The Saturday sun rose and birds were chirping on trees covered with thick snow. Seohyun yawned as she woke up to find out that Seungmin was already up.

"Seungmin? Why didn't you wake me up?" Seohyun said annoyed.

"Well, I did. But you were snoring loud and you. Looked dead so I didn't wake you up," Seungmin mockingly answered.

"What did you say?" Seohyun asked as she glared at Seungmin.

"N-nothing," Seungmin said as he smiled back.

So, what happened yesterday?" Seohyun asked that morning. Her emotions were like waves in the deep blue ocean and, nothing with Jun-seo wouldn't be the same again.

"He wanted you back," Seungmin answered straightforward, "but I couldn't let you go," he muttered those last words.

"Ohh," Seohyun said as she took a glance at the mirror in front of Seungmin's face, "It must hurt a lot," Seohyun said.

"I'm okay," he said.

Seungmin was still wounded and Seohyun suggested that Seungmin should stay at her apartment for at least one more day.

"I insist you come back to my place this night," Seohyun suggested.

"Do I still have to come back to your apartment?" Seungmin asked.

"Depends really," Seohyun replied, "do whatever you want, right now I need banana milk," Seohyun muttered.

Then, Seungmin left for work as Seohyun waved goodbye.

"Now, what is she going to do?" Seohyun thought.

Seohyun decided that she would go out and explore the surroundings that were covered with snow. As she was walking down the street, a train of thoughts came into her mind. Bad things always happen because of her. Every person she gets in contact with gets hurt and everything she touches gets destroyed. And she was worried she might lose someone because of her. It was almost like her life was cursed. Maybe she is too self-centred and there are people with worse lives than her. Or perhaps she deserved this. She was worried that she might lose Seungmin because of her... All of a sudden, her mind came back to reality when she saw someone...

Seohyun noticed that a person with a black mask and a black cap following her. She took a glance to find out that the person was very similar to Jun-seo. As soon as she, remembered what happened last night, she ran quickly back to her apartment and she slammed shut the door, panting.

-Time Skip: December 26 night-

Seohyun waited patiently for Seungmin, staring at the waxing gibbous moon in the starry black night sky. She was getting worried. She couldn't wait any longer and she decided to call Seungmin. Seungmin didn't pick up his phone making Seohyun even more worried. She relieved herself, assuming Seungmin was sleeping already. Then, Seohyun went to bed.

That night, Seungmin didn't come over to Seohyun's apartment, thinking that it would be the best for both of them. And she couldn't sleep when she was worried about Seungmin and his well-being, and when thoughts were overwhelming her, it was much harder. Who knew what had happened years before she was there? Her life was like a melodrama that was worth watching. Self-centred, rude, psychopathic, greedy, and dramatic. Those were the words that her father used to describe her or now her adopted father. She never knew what she did wrong. Everybody had called her many things–things that couldn't change her past but can change her future. She kept taking in those words like it was her daily dose of medicine, but it never made her change. She grew numb. Every single day became meaningless and harmless to her. It was almost like she had no feelings anymore. Those words just felt useless and worthless to her. She didn't feel the need to change herself just to fit their needs. She was always her and will always be her. There was always a mask that she had to put on whenever she was outside, and anywhere without those people, made her free, happy. Her happiness was something her parents had never accepted or even knew. Her source of happiness was never to be found, and even if she did, it wouldn't matter anymore. Nobody will ever know how much she desired happiness just for once, and her wish in life was to be free. Without people controlling her and being herself. If her biological parents didn't want her, nobody would. She was better off alone without anybody there to take care of her or to be with her throughout all the pain she had gone through. When she found Jun-seo in her life, she didn't want to let him go. She didn't want to let her only source of happiness go no matter what happened in her life. It was all because she loved him to the moon and back. He was her last hope of moving on, her destiny. Until all of a sudden, things changed... until everything breaks apart in pieces so small that she couldn't recover what once happened...

As life goes on, she started to feel like Jun-seo wasn't her true destiny... it all felt like a melodrama that had all been scripted...

#querencia #querenciablogs #querenciaoriginals #psycho #ongoing #korean

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darkangeldesignstudio · 5 years

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Need You Tonight

summary: You landed your dream job with the Avengers team about a year ago. You went on missions and made new friends. But, one team member still confuses you. Thor and his flirtatious ways have left you dazed and confused and when he leaves on a mission to Asgard you are left with your traitorous mind. Could he really ever love a human, or was it all just wishful thinking?

pairing: Thor x female reader

warnings: language, tiny bit of angst, and my first attempts at writing smut lol

word count: 4.2k

A/N: Hey everyone! This is my entry for @tilltheendwilliwrite‘s “T Shows Her Age: Songfic Challenge.” My song was Need you Tonight by INXS, a favorite of mine because of the iconic bar dancing bid war from the movie Coyote Ugly *wink wink*. First of all, I want to give a big thanks to my Beta @sexykitty96 for all of the encouragement and support (and typo hunting lol) she had given me over the past months. I really appreciate it love! I have to say, it was fun writing this fic, but also difficult seeing as I've never written smut before. I'm actually a bit nervous about how it turned out so if you wouldn't mind leaving me some advice in the comments that would be amazing. Much love and happy reading!

You never imagined, in all of your wildest dreams, that you would be one of the Avengers. Getting to work with Earth's mightiest heroes was the best job you could ask for.

You were fairly new to the team, only working with them for about a year, but you had become fast friends with Natasha and Wanda. They accepted you into their group easily, along with Steve and Bucky who treated you like a little sister. Tony and Bruce readily accepted your help on their projects while Sam and Clint constantly took time out of their days to help train you. It was amazing, but something was missing.

Unfortunately, there was one team member that you hardly ever saw. Thor, currently taking care of a problem on Asgard, was your guilty pleasure. When you first met, there was an immediate connection. Flirting ensued, for weeks on end, and you really felt that it was leading to something more, until he was called back home by Heimdall a few months ago.

He promised that he would keep in touch as much as possible, but the few trips back and forth to the compound only lasted a few minutes at a time and they were never really conducive to the type of interaction you both wanted. It was infuriating. Especially after the few occasions where self doubt came into play. Did he really like you? He hadn't even kissed you yet. Was he just using this trip as a way to avoid you? Why would a God ever like someone like you anyway?

You tried your hardest to squash those feelings. Thor wouldn't have spent months getting close to you just so he could lead you on. He was better than that. But, after months of silence, it became hard to push your insecurity down.

The night that Thor finally returned to the compound, it was movie night for the team and it was your turn to pick. Deciding it was a good night for an old favorite, you asked FRIDAY to put on “Coyote Ugly” and settled onto the couch next to Tony, sharing a bowl of popcorn between you.

Natasha was also excited, she hadn't seen the movie in years, and she smiled at you from a few seats away. “Nice choice, [Y/N].”

You smiled back at her just as you noticed Thor walk into the room. Your eyes connected and you shot a timid smile his direction. “It's one of my favorites.” Your voice was unsure and quiet, which Natasha picked up on immediately and turned around to watch Thor descend the stairs.

Looking between the two of you, Nat smiled and offers Thor a seat on the large couch next to her. This left you with no options, if you wanted to talk to Nat, you had to look at Thor. Damn her and her shifty ways.

Thor said quiet greetings to everyone with a bright smile reserved only for you, but your heart was hurting. The months of self doubt and hatred for how you would never measure up to this wonderful man had caught up to you. Now that he was here, it was a crushing blow. You turned away from Thor, trying and failing to put a genuine smile on your face. They all noticed, but nobody said anything, preferring to watch the movie in silence.

Soon, the movie had everyone smiling and laughing. Vision and Wanda could be heard speaking in whispers. Vis pelted Wanda with questions about this scene or that scene and she happily answered him as they cuddled together on one of the smaller love seats. It was cute, but it still hurt to see them so happy when you were so miserable. Thor was only a few steps away, but he felt as far away as Asgard at the moment.

When the music tuned up onscreen, you smiled so brightly, it was your favorite scene. Need you tonight played in the background of the bar as Kevin O'Donnell jumped up on the bar and began dancing to the sounds of women shouting bids in his direction. It was hot and hilarious and so darn cute. You couldn't help but laugh at the absurd things the bar patrons were shouting as the man began to strip.

Just as the bidding began to rise in intensity, Pepper walked into the room and you happily gave up your seat. It was only right that she got to sit with Tony after being gone for the past week.

You quickly found a seat beside Nat, ignoring the fact that Thor was now only inches away. His massive body was so close, but your heart still felt far away.

Nat got your attention with a small nudge. “How about that dancing? I would kill for someone to seduce me like that.”

You laughed as she wagged her eyebrows your direction. “Me too, Nat. Me too.” With a sigh, you settled back into the couch and enjoyed the rest of the movie together with your friends. You never noticing the calculating look that crossed Thor's face or the sly wink that Natasha through his way.

It was a few days later that Tony threw a party for the team to celebrate another successful mission. You and Thor had patched things up and were steadily growing closer again. Sadly, there was no sure evidence that he was willing to go any further that harmless flirting and warm hugs.

It was infuriating, but you could deal with it. He was your friend first and that would always be most important to you.

About half way through the night, you noticed Thor watching you. Your instincts were on high alert with his eyes on you. You could practically feel his gaze as you danced with Nat and Wanda.

Every man in the room was getting an eye full as you and the girls got down and dirty on the dance floor. The intensity of Thor's gaze grew exponentially when Nat and Wanda sandwiched you between them. Grinding your hips together as you dropped down to the floor with the beat of the music. Natasha and Wanda's hands roamed freely and you barely heard when Nat whispered in your ear.

“Thor's getting antsy over there. That look could set a room on fire.” Her words sent a thrill down your spine.

The music ended and you slowly looked up. When your eyes connected with his, you felt your blood boil with immense heat. His eyes glowed blue in the low light, small sparks danced on his shoulders. On the face of an enemy, that look would have struck fear to the depths of your soul. From Thor, it made your heart race for an entirely different reason.

You walked slowly towards him, measuring each step carefully and hoping that he could read your intentions. When you were about five feet away he had gained a semblance of control and motioned for you to follow him.

Free of the thumping beat of the music, you walked in silence towards the sleeping quarters of the tower. When he stopped, you were a few feet from his room. “We need to talk, [Y/N], but first, I must show you something.”

You looked at him suspiciously. His voice had gone softer and held a wealth of timidness that you had never heard before from the King of Asgard. It was almost as if he was unsure and you hated it.

“Thor.” The firm tone was unexpected and he looked back at you with a quirked eyebrow, causing you to smirk at his surprise. “Whatever it is, I'm sure I will be fine. I trust you.”

His eyes lit up with his smile and you giggled happily. That smile could have brought you to your knees, it was a rare thing to see and the beauty of his happiness was never lost on you. He took your hand and led you the last few feet to his bedroom door.

“Close your eyes, [Y/N].” His authoritative voice was back, causing you to giggle again, but the tone brokered no argument so you complied with a small smile and clenched your eyes shut willingly.

Thor smiled down at you, wishing he could just kiss you in that moment and forget about the rest of the plan, but this was what you wanted. He, Natasha, and Sam had worked too hard for him to back down now.

The sound of his door opening made it extremely hard not to peak. You had never been here before and it would be a lie if you said you weren't excited. Thor, quickly had you settled onto what felt like a plush couch and released your hand. “No peeking.”

You laughed. “Just get on with it, Thor. The suspense is killing me.”

He smirked as he finally reached the sound system across the room and turned it on. “As my lady commands.”

A familiar beat began in the background, causing your eyes to fly open. You never, in a million years, expected to see the sight in front of you, but you smiled nonetheless as Thor slowly walked towards you from across the room.

His steps were measured to the timing of the beat and when he stood at your feet he pulled you up and into his body. He rolled his body into yours agonizingly slow and then, he began to sing along with the lyrics.

Come over here

All you got is this moment The twenty-first century's yesterday You can care all you want Everybody does yeah that's okay

His body was like an aphrodisiac. His voice like a dose of ecstasy as you dances together. He caressed your body with fingers that felt like they were barely there. You were surrounded by his body, your back hot against his chest and you moved.

So slide over here And give me a moment Your moves are so raw I've got to let you know I've got to let you know You're one of my kind

I need you tonight 'Cause I'm not sleeping There's something about you girl That makes me sweat

His breath in your ear made you moan as his hands traveled the length of your body, gripping your hips. Then the words of the song finally registered and you realized it, he was telling you how he felt. He wanted you and only you and, damn it felt good to be wanted.

How do you feel I'm lonely What do you think Can't take it all What ya gonna do Gonna live my life

As he sang along to the song, he kissed your neck. Just as his hand traveled towards the valley between your legs, you smiled. It was about time he knew how much you wanted him as well. You turned swiftly into him, pressing chest to chest. Throwing your arm around his neck, you began to sing along with him.

So slide over here And give me a moment Your moves are so raw I've got to let you know I've got to let you know You're one of my kind

I need you tonight 'Cause I'm not sleeping There's something about you girl That makes me sweat

So how do you feel I'm lonely What do you think Can't think at all Whatcha gonna do Gonna live my life

Thor's smile was predatory and full of challenge. You knew he could smell the wetness on your thighs and you were not the least bit ashamed. You wanted him. Needed him.

So how do you feel I'm lonely What do you think Can't think at all Whatcha gonna do Gonna live my life

So slide over here And give me a moment Your moves are so raw I've got to let you know I've got to let you know

The words of the song died on both of your lips when you slid your hand into his hair. His eyes began to glow as you leaned into him. His lips were brushing against yours, waiting for you to make the first move. So, you did and sparks flew. Literally.

So slide over here And give me a moment I've got to let you know I've got to let you know

You're one of my kind

You were so lost in one another that neither of you noticed when the music stopped. He sucked and nibbled at your lips. You moaned and he delved deeper. His tongue danced with yours and you could feel the tingling sensation of his lightning coursing over your body. It hummed over your skin, creating little sparks like fingers dancing over your skin.

You gasped for air when a particularly large spark danced through your womb. Thor chuckled. “How do you feel, Lady [Y/N]?”

The irony of his words and the song lyrics from before were not lost on you, but this was no time for jokes. “I need you, Thor.” Your breath caught when he looked into your eyes. An ocean of love, leagues deep, was behind those eyes. But there was also worry.

He was the King and he knew that if you accepted him as yours, there would be no turning back. You would be his Queen and would not be of this world ever again. Did you really want that? Could you leave your life here for months or even years to rule at his side?

The choice was an easy one to make. “Yes.”

In an instant, you feel the wall at your back. Your pretty black dress pushed up around your hips and your legs around his. His lips tingle against yours as he devours you. He's a force that you are unwilling to evade. So, you meet him head on.

“Please, Thor. Take me into your bed. Make me yours.” It took only seconds once the words left your lips and the next thing you knew was the softness of the bed beneath you.

Thor smiled down at you, lightening coursing in faint ripples down the muscles of his arms. Your eyes heated as he began to strip for you. His red button up came away first. Buttons flew when he ran out of patience, ripping it away and tossing it to the floor. Then his hands went to the waistband of his jeans and your breath caught.

Rallying your courage, you shifted up onto your knees and pulled his hands away and around to the back of your dress. You wanted to do this. Touch him. Admire him, just as you wanted him to admire you.

Understanding sparkled in his blue eyes as his hands softly skimmed your spine, traveling towards the zipper at the nape of your neck. Slowly, he began to pull it down as you did the same to him.

His calloused hands were rough on your sensitive skin, making you gasp. He slowly ran both hands to the shoulders of your dress and pulled the straps away, revealing your lacy black bra and matching panties. His pants followed your dress, falling in a heap upon the floor.

He was glorious. All rippling muscle and bronze skin. You envied him, you couldn't help but wish you were worthy, until you heard a deep growl rise from his throat.

At that moment, he was fully convinced that you were a gift from the Norns themselves. There was no possible way that a being as perfect as you was not and he felt unworthy in your presence. Why would you have feelings for him? God or not, he wasn't so special to deserve you, but he would die trying to prove his worth if that's what it took to keep you.

“Lady [Y/N], are you s...”

You cut him off before the asinine question in his eyes could finish leaving his lips. “I swear to the Nine Realms, Thor. If you do not kiss me right now I will make you regret it.”

His deep chuckle was all that you heard before he was on you again. He kissed you slowly, tenderly, as you laid back onto the bed. His hips cradled between your own as you both moved towards the center.

His chiseled abs and hard pecs brushed against the softness of your curves and the barrier of your bra. You whimpered as small sparks danced over your womb and his fingers, wrapped in lightning, traveled up the back of your calf.

Your senses were beginning to overload at the sensation. It was like heaven and hell all wrapped into one. An exquisite type of torture that you couldn't get enough of and he hadn't even touched you yet.

When he did, you were sure you would die from the pleasure.

His mouth began to travel south as his hands traveled north. Lips kissed and teeth scraped as they followed the length of your throat, towards your collarbone. There was no doubt that you would have marks in the morning, but you couldn't care less.

His hips ground down into yours and you could feel the heat of his hard cock through your panties. You ached to touch him there, but the thought of trying left your mind when his mouth wrapped around your nipple. Hot breath caressed your clothed peak and small sparks shot up your spine as his hand unhooked the strap at your back.

Pulling the lacy contraption out of the way, Thor sucked your bare nipple back into his mouth, suckling and nibbling until it was a hard peak before moving to do the same with the other.

Your moans were hot and seductive in his ear, pushing him closer and closer to the edge of his control as your fingers in his hair tightened with the loss of yours. You were close and all it would take was one more little nudge to bring you there.

His hips rocked into yours again and again. The friction at your center was torturous, it kept you on the precipice, teetering precariously as his mouth and lightning stimulated your breasts.

The brush of his hands at your hips, his weight lifting slightly to allow him the room to pull your panties down slowly, was enough to spur you into action. You released your grip in his hair and ran your palms down his spine, gripping the waistband of his boxers and pushing them down to join your own at the foot of the bed.

The heavy weight of his cock settled on your thigh, making you moan. You gripped him softly, running your hand up and down his shaft. His breath caught at the contact and he thrust lightly into your palm.

You giggled a bit at the irony of the situation. The God of Thunder, the “Mightiest Avenger”, brought down by such a tiny human woman. It was unbelievable, but here you were.

Thor slowly pulled away from your soft touch, wishing for you to enjoy this first time without him losing control too quickly. There would be time for that later. His mouth roamed over the valley of your breasts and down towards your center, leaving tender kisses and reddened marks along the way.

You returned your hands to his back, dragging your nails up his spine and back into his hair. The faint red lines gave you a happy thrill. They marked him as yours just as he was marking you as his, though the marks you left would be gone by morning, it still made you giddy to know they had been there.

When his mouth finally reached your center, all thoughts were gone. The first hot breath on your center, the first small spark from his tongue sent you reeling over the edge and into pure ecstasy. You panted his name, moaning skyward as you came apart.

He watched you tremble from your orgasm, wishing to watch you come undone before his control snapped completely. He wanted to taste you. Your scent teased his nose. You were like ambrosia, like the finest mead in all of Asgard and he wanted to drink his fill. But, he held himself back, watching and waiting like a predator for its prey.

You slowly came down from your high and looked down the length of your body. Thor's blue eyes were predatory, daring you to look away from what he was about to do, but you couldn't. You watched as his mouth descended on your mound. His tongue found a home in your slick folds as his eyes stared into your soul, sparking blue in the dim light of the bedroom. You panted at the sensation, moaning quietly as he languidly tasted you, but never looking away.

Then his fingers entered you and you couldn't hold back anymore. You fell back onto the bed, moaning and crying as he stretched you. His lips wrapped around your clit and you bucked into his mouth.

Thor held you down. Holding you at the mercy of his wicked tongue and adept fingers. When you relaxed, he slid a third finger inside. He was by no means, small and the last thing he wanted was to hurt you. Letting his powers flow a bit, he used his free hand to send sparks across your nipples until your inner walls began to quiver around his fingers.

Slowly, he withdrew his hand. You whimpered at the loss of his touch, causing him to smile as he crawled up your body and pressed his hips back down to yours.

He kissed you slowly as he lined himself up. Pulling away to meet your gaze when he bumped at your entrance. “I'm going to make you mine now, [Y/N]. I will go slow as not to hurt you.”

You tried to urge him on. Tried to tell him to take you. That you didn't want slow, but the words were lost when he pushed into you.

Every ridge, every vein, you could feel them all. Your moans grew as he thrust long and slow into your tight sheath. Only a moment passed before you fell hard. This orgasm stronger than the previous and pulled a deep growl from Thor's throat.

The heat that surrounded him, milked him, was almost too much to handle. He held tight to the last vestiges of his control, breathing through it as best he could so he wouldn't explode like some untried youth. He hadn't felt like this in ages, it was as if the hundreds of years learning to control his powers had flown out the window. Thunder boomed in the distance and sparks floated in the air around him, a testament to his loss of control.

“[Y/N], I can't hold back anymore. I need you, now.” His face was soft, but his eyes were so bright they were almost white and his words were strained.

“Please, Thor, I need you, too. I love you, so much.” You were at the end of your rope, your control was gone. You needed him to take you and to come down with you. You pleaded with him, with your eyes, with your body, with your soul. You loved him and you needed him just as much as he needed you.

“As I love you, my lady.” His control snapped with your words and he moved into a punishing pace.

His hips snapped up into yours, lightning coursed over your skin as your legs tightened around his waist. His lips crashed into yours with reckless abandon. You were at the mercy of a God and it felt like heaven.

You screamed in ecstasy when he shifted his body higher onto yours, pushing himself impossibly deeper. He was a beast, rutting into you hard and fast, and you loved him all the more for it. His hands gripped your ass, surely hard enough to bruise and it felt wonderful.

Pleasure mixed with a bit of pain as he fucked your body, but nothing compared to when you felt his powers brush their way into your entrance. You felt white hot in that moment as your vision began to darken, your core pulsed in time with your heart as he thrust into you. The pleasure reaching heights you had never experienced before.

He bit into the pulse point at your throat and you screamed. Little jolts of lightning danced across your flesh, around your nipples, and through your womb pushing you over the edge. With a final snap of his hips, Thor followed you down. His roar of pleasure, drowned out by a loud clash of thunder and flash of lightning outside your windows. His hot cum coated your insides causing aftershocks in your core.

He turned, at the last moment, to collapse beside you on the bed and pull you into his chest. Your hearts beat loudly as you laid together, the sounds of thunder fading away into the distance outside. It took a few moments to be able to breath again.

Smiling happily, Thor turned back to you, rising slightly onto an elbow so he could read your face. The smile he received made him chuckle. “So, was that worth two hundred and fifty of your Midgardian money?”

The question caught you off guard and you had to try hard not to laugh in his face. Of course he would go right back to thinking about the movie. It was what got you here, after all.

Smiling brightly up at him, you place your hand onto his cheek. “It was worth so much more.”

The love in his eyes was unmistakable. Slowly, he lowered his head and took your lips in a long, slow kiss.

#t6ksongfic #t shows her age #thor #thor odinson #mcu #marvel mcu #thor x reader #thor fanfiction #Reader fics

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artificialqueens · 4 years

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Have Yourself a Super Merry Christmas 3/3: Christmas Future: I have never known color like this morning reveals to me (Branjie)--athena2

A/N: Thank you so much for all the support on this! Thank you as always to Writ for betaing and encouraging me through this whole thing. Chapter title from In a Week by Hozier.

The very first time Frost and Vanjie meet is on Christmas Eve.

The paths that bring them there may be different–a fire whose smoldering wreckage creates a woman burdened by memories and an ice storm whose piercing shards mold a woman entirely devoid of memories–but those paths converge just the same.

It’s not the last time their paths will meet, paths that will lead to fighting and hatred and forgiveness and healing and loving, even marriage and a daughter.

But the path begins with enemies meeting in the snow.

—

“I wanna put the star on!” Lily squeals.

Vanessa smiles as Brooke carefully lifts Lily into the air, Vanessa placing her hands on Brooke’s hips to steady her, just in case (and just to touch Brooke’s hips).

“You can reach this high, Mommy?” Lily asks in wonder as she attaches the star.

“She sure can.” Vanessa smiles. “I said the same thing as you when she did that the first time.”

Brooke brings Lily back down and she starts placing ornaments on the lowest branches, and Vanessa has to step back and smile. Sometimes she sees the tiny blue Vans with yellow flowers by the back door and can’t believe those little sneakers really fit someone, and that that someone is their daughter.

This is the first Christmas Lily really knows what’s going on, and Brooke and Vanessa have had too much fun shopping, sledding, and snowman-building. Brooke absolutely loves the snow, a human polar bear, and will play with Lily until they’re almost frozen solid and Vanessa forces them inside for hot chocolate. Their backyard is the perfect battleground for snowball fights and an army of snowmen, the house a few miles from the city and everything they always wanted, purchased a few months before they adopted Lily.

“Mama, Mommy says we can make cookies after!” Lily announces, running up to her.

“She did, did she?” Vanessa scoops Lily up and helps her reach some higher branches (‘who’s gonna help you reach them?’ Brooke teases) and smiles as Brooke kisses the top of her head.

It’s been a busy year, one Vanessa couldn’t have gotten through without Brooke by her side. Vanessa’s nights were filled with online business courses and Brooke’s steady encouragement as she and A’keria became co-owners of the salon. Vanessa works mornings there and afternoons at home to stay with Lily, while Brooke takes mornings with Lily before going to directing duties at the ballet company at noon. It’s a lot of shuffling out the door, a lot of evenings where they manage to cook dinner, watch a movie, and read Lily a bedtime story before collapsing into their own bed, but Vanessa wouldn’t change a thing.

That scared woman who refused to let anyone in is still inside her somewhere, coming out in a panicked fear anytime Lily gets too close to the fireplace, but Vanessa isn’t alone anymore.

She no longer needs to burn herself down in order to live.

—

Somehow, Vanessa’s second Christmas without her family hurts worse than the first one.

Last year, the wound was still fresh, not even scabbed over yet, and it wasn’t like she expected to be okay. But this year, she feels like the wound should have gotten better but hasn’t; it’s festered instead of healed. This year, she had expected to be okay, and it’s only making it worse that she isn’t.

A’keria has told her about some Dr. West, suggested that a therapy session might help, but Vanessa refuses. It’s not that she thinks it won’t help, because she knows therapy works; it’s that if she goes, she’ll have to talk about it and she just can’t do that. Whatever thin patches are holding her together would split right open.

Silky and A’keria come over and they eat and exchange gifts, and Vanessa knows they’re doing it to help her feel better, but it’s not working.

When she sees the news report that Frost has struck again, something in her snaps. That Frost bitch has been wreaking havoc for almost a month now, always fleeing just before Vanessa can fight her.

She pulls on her suit as A’keria and Silky beg her to stay.

“Frost beat the crap out of Shuga Rush and Honeybee last week, and you wanna take her on?” Silky argues.

“It’s Christmas Eve,” A’keria adds. “Your ass belongs inside.”

“I’m getting that blue Gatorade hoe,” Vanjie vows as she heads out into the snow.

—

Brooke helps Lily tie her green apron on and can’t believe how little it is, or that she has a daughter little enough to wear it. Sometimes she can’t believe she has a daughter at all, or their cozy house, or that she still gets to curl up in bed with Vanessa every night, even all these years later.

The snow flew early in November and the past month has been spent mostly in the backyard, playing with Lily. Vanessa doesn’t love the snow the way Brooke does, but she’ll still come out and play with them as much as she can. Brooke even got her special thermal gloves so she could make snowballs without them melting in seconds.

Brooke watches Lily’s tiny hands roll out the cookie dough, gripping the rolling pin to help her while Vanessa tosses chocolate chips in her mouth, and the safety of it all, the love in the kitchen, are so great that Brooke has to excuse herself to the bathroom because she doesn’t want Lily to get scared if she sees Mommy crying.

She breathes slowly, the joy of the past three years flooding her, absolutely worth all the fears she and Vanessa had. It hadn’t been an easy decision to walk away from the superhero life, and it wasn’t one they made lightly. There had been several late-night conversations and a few joint appointments with Nina and endless questions to be answered. Is it wrong to put themselves and their wants over a city they’ve been protecting all these years? Is it wrong not to stop crime when they had the ability to do so? Should they feel like every crime to occur after they quit is their fault?

But the fighting took its toll more and more, bruises lasting longer, injuries more frequent, a soreness in their muscles that never went away. What they both wanted was a child, one they would love and support no matter what, and they simply couldn’t be out risking their lives every night with a baby at home.

They hung up the masks (still in the closet just in case) and began the process of moving on.

Brooke doesn’t regret it, even when she sees crime in the news that she could have stopped, and she knows Vanessa doesn’t either. Lily is more than they dreamed of, everything they ever wanted.

“You okay?” Vanessa knocks.

She always knows, Brooke marvels.

She opens the door and pulls Vanessa into her arms. “I’m okay. I just–I never thought I would be so happy, and sometimes it really hits me.”

Happy hadn’t even been a concept at the lab. They only cared if she was physically well enough to follow orders, not what she felt. Brooke never felt much anyway, the drugs like a veil over her that stopped any emotion or feeling from rising too far. In her early recovery days, her emotions were like a shaken-up snowglobe where the snow wouldn’t settle, but floated around helplessly, and she and Nina had spent several sessions just understanding and naming the feelings she had.

“I know, baby. I love you both so much,” Vanessa says.

“Mama, we have to finish the cookies!” Lily yells from the kitchen. Brooke and Vanessa laugh and head after their daughter.

—-

The snow falls thick and full, like pieces of a cloud around Frost. She pauses just to watch it fall, each flake silencing the noise around her, car horns blaring and people shouting and laughing and sirens wailing. It’s much louder than the lab, so loud it hurts her ears, and the snow somehow soothes her.

The lab said Christmas Eve is a good night to strike, and they’re right. Frost has already stolen weapon blueprints from Atlas Labs and sent Black Diamond home with a broken nose. She ducks into an alley to review her missions when a light from a tree catches her eye and momentarily blinds her with its brilliance.

Has she ever held a bulb in her hand, seen her smiling face reflected in its surface as she hung it from a branch? Has she ever gotten a present like she saw people carrying earlier, ripping through the paper to see what surprise awaited her? Was she ever lifted up out of the snow by her mother, like the little boy she saw yesterday?

Of course she hasn’t. She’s being bad. Her breaths are painful and her heart clenches in her chest. She forces out a slow stream of air. She has to focus, she has to–

“So, you must be the famous Frost,” a sandpaper voice booms, and Frost jumps, spinning around to see a short woman with eyes burning bright even surrounded by her black eye mask.

“Who are you?” Frost asks in confusion. She hopes that not too many people know about her, because the lab will surely punish her if she blows their cover.

“I’m Vanjie, and don’t you forget it, Frosty,” the woman–Vanjie–says with a fireblast. Frost has barely stopped it before Vanjie yells something else and runs at her with a punch, and Frost throws one back, grateful for something to stop the bad thoughts she was having.

Vanjie is a good fighter, strong and fast, but lacking control in some of her punches and blasts. Still, Frost has never met an opponent that could keep up with her. It’s almost—fun. Definitely the most even fight she’s had since she started, breathlessly accepting hits and giving them right back. They trade kicks and punches, each move tight and quick and focused, and Frost’s mind starts buzzing, clearing, maybe, all the Christmas lights and car horns brighter and louder, and that means she’ll need another dose soon. She’s not supposed to feel like this.

She would keep going all night but a siren rings out and Vanjie flees, too far away for Frost to track once she clears through a last arc of flame.

Frost almost wishes she would come back.

—

Brooke smiles as Vanessa glares up at her.

“Remind me again how I let you talk me into this?” Vanessa asks as she laces her skates.

“Because Lily really wanted to go ice-skating and we can’t say no?” Brooke suggests.

“Sounds about right.”

Brooke stands, unsure, in her own rented skates, holding Lily’s hand. Skaters whizz past them, laughing and shouting, and Brooke is grateful again for the therapy and meds that help her feel okay in such noisy areas.

“Let’s do this, twinkle toes. I bet you’re gonna be like one of them figure skaters in the Olympics.” Vanessa finishes her skates and stands up, shuffling to the ice rink.

Brooke doesn’t know if she’s ever been skating, but she’s figuring her dance ability might at least keep her on her feet. Vanessa, on the other hand…

“My body ain’t supposed to go this way!” Vanessa yelps, stuck in a half-split on the ice, and Brooke pulls her up as she snorts with laughter.

“I got you, don’t worry.” Brooke tugs along Vanessa with one hand and Lily with the other. She has enough balance to keep herself from falling, and the super-strength to keep both of them steady too, and they make slow laps around the rink while they talk about the upcoming Christmas dinner at their house.

“I think I got this, let’s go faster!” Vanessa says. She pulls Brooke so hard that she lets go of Lily, and it’s just the two of them barreling along.

“I don’t think this is a good id–” They crash into the wall and land in a heap, arms and legs tangled together.

“Let’s do that again!” Vanessa yells, her words muffled by Brooke’s leg, which has fallen over her face.

They untangle themselves and stand up, only to burst into laughter so fierce they fall all over again. Steaming cups of hot chocolate warm them up once they get off the ice, and Lily insists everyone watch Frozen again, her favorite because she thinks Mommy looks like Elsa (if she only knew, Vanessa thinks). Her second favorite is Moana because Mama looks like Moana and screeches like Te Kā (kid’s got a sense of humor, Brooke thinks).

Lily falls asleep laying across the both of them and Brooke places her gently into bed, Vanessa pulling her covers up with a smile shared between them.

—

“I think we should get Lily a dog for Christmas,” Vanessa begins one night. “Might be nice for Riley to have a dog friend.” She’s in her favorite position, head on Brooke’s chest and arm around her waist, thumb stroking the skin on her hip.

“Okay!” Brooke agrees, and Vanessa has to laugh. She doesn’t know why she thought Brooke would be harder to convince. Brooke loves animals, and they already have three; what’s one more?

“I got my dog for Christmas when I was six.” The confession comes out of her without warning, her heart speeding up until Brooke brings a hand up to cup her cheek, and everything slows down again. Vanessa never feels safer than she does in Brooke’s arms, and she tells her all about that Christmas morning, ripping the lid off the box to see that perfect little puppy, how she and her brother played fetch with it every day.

Brooke lets out soft little puffs of smiling laughter, pressing a kiss to the top of Vanessa’s head when she’s done.

“I’m proud of you,” Brooke whispers.

“For what?”

“For just being you,” Brooke answers, and Vanessa hugs her tighter.

They go to the shelter the next night, Yvie and Scarlet taking on babysitting duty (‘If we come back and our child is talking about conspiracy theories, your babysitting career is over, Yvie,’ Vanessa threatens). The worker tells them there’s an older chihuahua named Rosie who would love to have a home.

Brooke kneels down by the cage, speaking softly to the dog. It takes Vanessa back to when they first adopted Henry and Apollo, and Brooke had been afraid she would get in trouble for touching them. It seems like a lifetime ago, but also just days ago, her life with Brooke so beautiful and warm and safe that sometimes Vanessa doesn’t even know how much time has passed.

“Hey there,” Brooke whispers. “You can come out, I won’t hurt you.”

The dog creeps slowly to the front of the cage, tentatively licking Brooke’s hand and allowing Brooke to pet her. “Good girl,” Brooke says. Vanessa smiles as Brooke strokes the fur. Animals, especially ones that had been hurt, always trusted Brooke. It was almost like they knew she had been hurt too, and would never, ever harm them.

“We’ll take her,” Vanessa declares.

—

Vanjie steals Silky’s police scanner and catches Frost in an alleyway. Her neon green boots don’t even have heels and she still towers over Vanjie, which pisses her off right away.

“So, you must be the famous Frost,” Vanjie barks, delighting as the ice bitch startles. Not so tough, is she, scared of a little noise?

“Who are you?” Frost asks.

“I’m Vanjie, and don’t you forget it, Frosty.”

She revs up a fireball, small to keep control, and throws it at Frost’s face, flames dying out when they meet her ice blast.

“Come get me, you stupid snowball!”

Vanjie runs at Frost before she can move, sinking a punch deep into her rib cage that will definitely bruise, if not crack something. She follows it with another punch, adrenaline running through her, and it’s probably wrong that she’s getting such a rush beating another person, but it’s the first time she’s felt anything in months, and even if it’s probably not good, it’s better than feeling absolutely nothing, like an empty shell of a person.

Frost is light on her feet and counters with a punch of her own, and Vanjie admits she’s good. She sees now how Frost has beaten so many heroes. Frost knows how to move those stupidly long limbs, her movements focused and controlled. It’s an even fight, and Vanjie loses herself in it, beyond the stupid jokes she uses to make it all bearable, giving herself over to the anger and satisfaction of every kick and hit. She’s locked in the fight for what feels like hours, Frost keeping up with her, when she hears police sirens. She runs, leaving a column of fire behind her to delay Frost, and is down the street before anyone can see her. Frost doesn’t give chase, and Vanjie’s not sure if she’s disappointed or not.

The scanner is silent, and she decides to pack it in. She passes by an animal shelter, which proudly advertises that all their animals have been adopted. Vanjie had a dog once. Except she wasn’t Vanjie then. She was just Vanessa, with no idea of what was coming. The woman she is now has no idea how to be the girl she was then. The woman she is now has no idea how to be, period. How to live in a world where terrible things happen and she is just left to pick up the pieces.

She wipes away her tears and heads back home. If the shelter wasn’t empty, she thinks she would have taken a dog for herself.

But it’s probably better that she didn’t. It’s hard enough keeping herself alive these days.

—

Brooke and Vanessa send Lily with A’keria and Silky for the day while they wrap Lily’s presents.

“We’re putting all this shit in bags next year,” Vanessa says and Brooke snorts.

Sticky tape remnants cover Brooke’s fingers, Vanessa with two paper cuts on hers from wrapping paper mishaps.

Brooke looks at the bright green wrapping paper patterned with snowmen and elves, and all she can think is that all the best gifts she’s gotten in her life wouldn’t fit in a box (well, Vanessa probably could).

Lily herself had been an early Christmas present three years ago. Brooke can hardly believe she’s three already, that they’ve been through three years of diaper-changing and nighttime-soothing and Sesame Street-watching.

When they had decided to have a kid, IVF had been the first plan. After endless testing, Vanessa wordlessly holding Brooke’s hand through all the needles, and even more waiting, they learned that because of all the changes that occurred in their bodies when they got their powers, neither of them would be able to carry without severe risks for themselves and the child, and their dream of a baby with Brooke’s green eyes or Vanessa’s brown waves was shattered.

That had been a horrible week in their house. They each blamed themselves and started every morning with bloodshot eyes they didn’t mention. Brooke retreated into herself, avoiding the world and apologizing over and over while Vanessa exploded out into the world, screaming at every tiny inconvenience, until A’keria coaxed them into a joint session with Nina. They both cried and were reassured that it was no one’s fault, that they weren’t undeserving of a child in any way, and when the heaviness weighing them down lifted away, they embraced for the first time since hearing the news and it was like coming home.

They started the adoption process the day after their session, their names down at the agency from January. The wait was endless, and the longer it dragged on, the more it seemed that people were mocking them with handfuls of kids in everything from winter coats to rain boots to bathing suits as the seasons changed and they still remained childless. It felt like they would never have a child at all, when the first day of December they got a call that a two-day-old baby’s adoption had fallen through and she could be theirs if they were ready.

They had already painted the extra bedroom in the house in soft greens and yellows, but it remained empty, cheery paint laughing at them and floors collecting dust, because neither of them could bear to fill it with a crib and stuffed animals, fill it with the hope and promise of a child’s laughter, only to have to take everything down if the agency never called.

When the call came, they brought in the reinforcements (bribing Silky with pizza) and bought everything for the nursery and got it set up in hours, Brooke and Vanessa taking the drive to meet their baby right after.

It was a two-hour drive to the hospital upstate, the road stretching forever as Brooke fought between excitement and fear. Eleven months of waiting, of discussing names and talking longingly about taking their kid sledding and to the beach and having a tiny human in their house, and somehow Brooke needed more time, legs shaking with fear that maybe this was all a joke, or that the agency would change their minds and say that Brooke and Vanessa weren’t fit to be parents, and it was only when Vanessa pulled over that Brooke saw she was crying too.

They clutched hands, their intertwined fingers sharing the message of love and support, that they would both be there for each other whatever happened. Vanessa got back on the road, and they walked into the hospital holding hands, bringing their baby home and ready to give her the love that burst out of them the second they saw her.

“How the hell do I wrap a soccer ball?” Vanessa asks with a laugh. Brooke joins in, pulled out of her memories.

“Put it in a bag?” Brooke suggests.

Vanessa sighs and grabs a Frozen gift bag, shoving the ball inside. “Okay, no round presents next year either! What the hell were we thinking?”

“I think I’m gonna need a shower to get all this tape off me,” Brooke says, peeling one last piece off.

“I might need one too,” Vanessa says. She pauses, a mischievous sparkle popping into her eyes. “You know, Lily’s still with Silky and A’keria till dinner…”

Brooke scoops Vanessa off the floor, carrying her bridal-style to the bathroom.

—

The days get closer and closer to Christmas and Lily is exploding with excitement, listing all the cookies she’ll leave for Santa and all the cards she wants to make for her aunts and all the things she’ll make if she gets her toy kitchen. Her little legs kick under the covers and it takes four bedtime stories to lull her into sleep. Vanessa took story duty tonight, and Brooke finishing putting dishes away when Vanessa comes in, shuffling over to Brooke with a groan.

“Bedtime story go well, then?” Brooke teases, massaging Vanessa’s shoulders.

“What I want to know,” Vanessa says in the serious tone of someone contemplating the mysteries of the universe, “is why this Mr. Fox dude is wearing socks. He’s a fox. He doesn’t need ‘em.”

“I don’t think I know the answer to that, baby,” Brooke says, turning Vanessa around to face her.

Vanessa slips a hand under her shirt, fingers running up to her heart–

“Mama, will you read me another story?” Lily asks, appearing in the kitchen out of thin air. “What’s on your tummy, Mommy?” Lily asks curiously, pointing to the scar above her waistline where the doctor shot her.

Brooke stiffens. Vanessa’s hand flies out from beneath the shirt and moves to Brooke’s back, fingers brushing near her shoulder. Brooke knows Vanessa will say something if she can’t, but she wants to try. “Oh, that–that’s nothing, honey. Mommy just got hurt there before.”

“Hurt?” Lily’s eyes widen. She runs to the bathroom and comes back with a box of Star Wars Band-Aids, stretching up to Brooke’s waist and lifting her shirt to stick one over the old scar. “There,” she says proudly.

“Thank you, sweetie. It feels better already,” Brooke says truthfully, blinking away tears as she hugs her daughter.

“Come on honey, I’ll read you another story,” Vanessa offers, taking Lily’s hand.

“Fox in Socks?” Lily asks hopefully.

Vanessa nods, throwing a grimace over her shoulder at Brooke on the way out. Brooke lingers in the doorway, smiling along as Vanessa reads in her rough voice, watching her kiss Lily’s forehead after she falls asleep. Brooke remembers when the emptiness inside her almost consumed her, but now it is love powerful enough to do the same.

—

“Do you think we’ll ever have to tell her? How do we even say something like that?” Vanessa asks in bed that night, her mind spinning with worries. Lily has already noticed one of Brooke’s scars; how long until she wants to know how Brooke really got them? How long until they couldn’t explain away why Mama’s hand is burning hot and Mommy’s is freezing cold?

Brooke turns to her, understanding, as always, the words unsaid. Will they have to tell their daughter they have superpowers? That they both went through hell? That they used to fight criminals for a living?

“You remember when we first brought her home, and I was afraid to hold her?” Brooke asks.

“Of course,” Vanessa replies, unsure where this is going.

“You remember what you told me?”

Vanessa can’t forget the day they brought Lily home, watching her big blue eyes blink and her tiny fingers flex, their hearts full of all the laughs and challenges and beautiful firsts that were about to come.

Brooke had set the baby carrier on the table and froze, voicing her worries that she would hurt Lily, or make her sick because her hands were so cold. Her worries made every one of Vanessa’s rise up after she fought all day to push them down. What if they did something wrong and caused her pain? What if she was crying and they couldn’t give her what she needed?

And then the answer had come to her. They would do it like they had done everything, from gunshots to lab blowups to death visions.

“I said we would hold her together,” Vanessa answers now, stepping out of the memory and into the present.

Brooke just smiles at her.

“Oh,” Vanessa says. “Oh, shit, Brooke. That was smooth.”

Brooke snickers and pulls her into an embrace. Vanessa nestles her head against Brooke’s chest, safe and secure in the thought that no matter what happens, they’ll always do it together.

—

Frost completes her last mission, stealing a drug formula that the lab says is dangerous for anyone but them, and is on her way back to her motorcycle when something pink catches her eye.

It’s a window display, pastel pink string lights framing the scene, like a picture she wants to climb into and live in. In the center of the display, raised on a pristine white pedestal, sits a pink music box, a small ballerina inside. For some reason she thinks she’s seen it before, that she even held it in her hands.

Frost stares at it, imagining the ballerina spinning, imagining herself spinning, light as air as she leaps–she rubs furiously at her eyes. She’s not in the air, a silk costume soft on her skin. She’s on solid sidewalk, and she’s being bad. Frost has never seen this box before; it’s probably just her medicine making her think that. They had given her an extra dose today, and she had been good and didn’t even squirm when she saw the needle, and the doctor said she might be a little confused.

She has to go back to the lab and give them her report, but she can’t tear her eyes away from the box. She wants it so badly but she can’t understand why. She doesn’t think she’s ever wanted anything like this, and why a music box?

I could break the glass and have it right now, she thinks, heart racing. She readies an ice blast–no, she’s disobeying, and that’s bad. She’s already had bad thoughts of wanting to stay with Vanjie to clear her head some more, and she can’t be late too; late means punishment. She races back to the lab and gives them her report before dragging herself up into her apartment.

Her body is heavy, being pulled down to the ground, her head pounding. The emptiness of the apartment stares at her, carving a hole into her chest that will never fill. She almost wishes she had a Christmas tree, just like the ones she saw in peoples’ windows, to bring some life to the empty space.

She should eat something, but all she wants is to sleep, to forget the buzzing in her head and the burning eyes of that fire woman. Vanjie. What a strange name.

She crawls into bed, her aching body asleep in minutes, tumbling into dreams of tiny hands holding a music box and a little girl sitting on a bike. The girl has blonde hair, and Frost is close, almost close enough to see her…but she never sees the girl’s face, and when she wakes up, she’s forgotten the dream entirely.

—

Vanessa rolls over, blinking awake, the clock flashing 1:53 on Christmas Eve morning. There’s another dim light behind her, and she turns around to see Brooke’s phone screen, blinding in the dark.

“Baby, why are you still up?” Vanessa asks.

Brooke doesn’t answer, just stares intently at her phone. Vanessa’s trying not to panic, forcing her breathing to slow. It’s not a flashback; she’s seen enough of them to know from Brooke’s eyes that she’s here, not trapped in time somewhere. But Brooke is always so alert and attentive, so why hasn’t she reacted?

“Brooke?” Vanessa asks again. “It’s almost 2, what are you doing?”

She lightly taps Brooke’s shoulder, hoping not to scare her but unsure what else to do. Her heart only resumes its pounding when tears run down Brooke’s face. “Brooke, what’s wrong? Please tell me so I can help you,” she begs, helplessness bubbling up into her voice. She glances at Brooke’s phone screen, sees the picture from yesterday afternoon, the three of them posing with the gingerbread house Lily made.

“I–I was looking at the pictures,” Brooke sniffles, “and I–what if she forgets us? What if what happened to me happens to her and she can’t remember, or what if she loses us and forgets?”

Vanessa’s heart shatters, the shards puncturing every part of her. Brooke is trembling now, and Vanessa pries the phone from her hands, trying to figure out how she’ll keep Brooke together when Brooke’s fear makes Vanessa herself want to fall apart.

“Shhh,” she whispers, pulling Brooke’s shaking body to her and holding on tight. “Brooke, we–it’s okay. It’s okay. The lab is gone. They won’t hurt anyone again. And we…we just love Lily, okay? We can’t protect her from everything, but we can try, and we love her. We love her, and whatever happens, she knows that we love her. That’s all we can do.” Vanessa’s crying now too, shuddering sobs that tear through her body, she and Brooke holding each other to keep themselves whole.

She wishes that nothing could ever harm Lily, but she knows that just isn’t possible. There’ll be things like scraped knees and broken hearts and other hurts, both big and small, that there’s just no protecting her from. She and Brooke know too well the kind of pain this world has to offer. But they also know the love available, the love enabling her to look at Brooke all these years later and still feel calm and safe, like everything is all right. The love present in a scene of them curled up on the couch, laughing at movies they’ve seen ten times, knowing they were safe in each other’s arms. The love that has helped them through all the good and bad times, brought them together with their daughter in an unbreakable bond.

Brooke pulls away, wiping her eyes. “You’re right. It’s just hard, you know? Knowing what we know and still wanting to believe things can always be good.”

“I know. But we love each other, and we love her, and we always will. Whatever happens, we’re in this together.”

“I love you.” Brooke is calm again, both of them cried out. Brooke kisses her cheek, the touch soft and warm and familiar, the feeling of home on two cool lips.

“I love you too. Always,” Vanessa vows, pulling Brooke back to her.

Vanessa lets herself get washed away in Brooke’s steady breathing, both of them off to sleep in a few minutes, exhausted after all the tears, and wake up to a Christmas Eve shining bright with possibility.

—

Vanessa gets Lily set up on her chair by the counter, Lily wearing her green apron that doesn’t serve much purpose because she has cinnamon on her forehead and eggshells in her hair. Her tiny hands dip the bread in the egg mixture and Vanessa tells her she’s doing a wonderful job.

Brooke helps Lily flip the French toast in the pan, and the loving look in Brooke’s eyes makes Vanessa warm and renewed after the 2am sobbing session. Lily gets whipped cream all over her nose just like Brooke, and Vanessa knows they’ll always be okay.

The rest of the day passes by in layering lasagna and setting the table and giving Lily two baths (‘she sure can make a mess like you,’ Brooke teases) before finally getting her into the black leggings with tiny snowmen all over them and her Disney Christmas sweater.

Vanessa pulls on the soft red sweater Brooke had gotten her for Christmas last year, Brooke in the oversized blue sweater Vanessa had bought her, feet clad in green Nutcracker fuzzy socks. Vanessa had gotten her more pairs for Christmas this year–a gift for Vanessa as well, because without them, Brooke’s feet are blocks of ice when they brush against her in bed.

The four of them come rushing in all at once, Silky bearing that godforsaken Bingo set, dropping gift bags on the floor and flinging coats at Vanessa.

“Do I look like a human coat rack to you?” she barks, throwing them all on the bed.

“Lily, come say hi to your favorite aunt!” A’keria says, opening her arms.

“We’re all her aunts,” Yvie points out, which is true. Vanessa and Brooke had also appointed Silky and A’keria as godmothers, after realizing that neither of them knew a single man. A’keria had even thrown together a baby shower after they brought Lily home, insisting that no godchild of hers would be going without one.

“Yeah, but I’m the favorite,” A’keria argues, lifting Lily up.

Vanessa lets the night go by, and she thinks of how they’ve all grown, not just her and Brooke but everyone. A’keria is one of the top hair stylists in the city, Scarlet started her new day job as a preschool teacher, and Yvie is assistant director to Silky at the base, and Vanessa just looks around and loves. She watches Scarlet fix Lily’s bow for her and Yvie help butter her bread, watches A’keria and Silky nudge each other and smile without words, and Vanessa finally believes all those words Nina has told her: she deserves to be here, alive, loving her family.

—

“Ugh, could you even imagine moving this toy kitchen set without super-strength?” Brooke asks, the 1am moon glowing through the windows as they arrange Lily’s presents under the tree.

“I just hope Rosie doesn’t make any noise tonight. She a loud little thing,” Vanessa says. They had kept Rosie at A’keria’s for the week, setting the dog up in their bedroom tonight to surprise Lily tomorrow.

“Just like her mama.” Brooke smiles. Vanessa swats at her as she sets down the last of the boxes before they move on to the milk and cookies Lily had painstakingly set out on the coffee table.

“Why did we let her leave out so many cookies?” Brooke groans, taking a large bite of one.

“Tell me about it,” Vanessa mutters. “Next year, I’m telling her Santa wants potato chips.”

They check on Lily one last time. Her arms are wrapped securely around her stuffed elephant, her face calm and peaceful and a reminder of all that Brooke has been given, all she’s grateful for, every dream she never knew she had come true. Vanessa takes her hand, another dream, and they have a few blissful hours of sleep before Lily comes running in at the crack of dawn, somehow hitting Brooke’s hip with one foot and Vanessa’s arm with the other simultaneously.

She and Vanessa trade smiles as Lily pulls them into the living room, shouting and clapping and shredding wrapper paper as the sun rises.

Lily opens the ballerina music box Brooke picked out, and Brooke has to blink away tears when she thinks of the blonde little girl she once was, assuming Vanessa feels the same when Lily squeezes Rosie into a hug.

Brooke knows it’s okay for her to be sad about what she lost and still be happy with what she has. Sometimes you feel a lot of different things at once, Nina had said in one of their first sessions, when Brooke was struggling to process her feelings, and it seems so simple now, but had been so hard to grasp then. She can still be grateful for her present and future while acknowledging the horrors of the past, and she watches Lily smile and sees her big blue eyes shine and Brooke fills with love and hope, holding Vanessa to share it with her.

The others show up at 9 for breakfast, still in their pajamas, sitting on the rug as Lily shows them all her presents, she and Vanessa sitting back on the couch and taking it all in.

“It says turn it clockwise, girl! Clockwise! Ain’t you ever seen a clock?” Silky yells as she and A’keria work on assembling Lily’s toy kitchen set.

“Yvie, if you hit me with that soccer ball one more time–” the rest of Scarlet’s words are cut off as A’keria tells Silky to do the kitchen her dang self, gulping a cup of chocolate milk like it’s hard liquor.

Vanessa nestles closer to Brooke on the couch, resting her head on her chest. Brooke breathes in Vanessa’s coconut shampoo, breathes in the family around her, all the shouts and laughs and love, and thinks that the world has never seemed as bright, the colors as dazzling, as they do on this morning.

She thinks of how fearfully loud and harsh everything was when the drug cloud eased off her, before Nina and proper medication helped her be healthy. Brooke used to think she deserved to suffer, deserved to have loud noises scare her and flashbacks haunt her because of what she had done. She knows that’s wrong now. A bad thing happened to her, a bad thing she didn’t deserve to have happen, and it wasn’t her fault. And she doesn’t deserve to suffer. She deserves the love around her, and she’s going to soak it up as much as she can.

Brooke tilts her head down, looking into the eyes of the woman that started as her enemy years ago and became the person she loves more than anyone, the person that quiets all her fears, the person that makes everything okay.

“This is the best Christmas ever!” Lily exclaims.

Brooke drops her lips down to Vanessa’s, fire and ice meeting in passionate agreement.

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