#experimenting with sexuality
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~That Horrible, Wonderful Feeling~
Author note:
Here is chapter 1 of the project I've been working so long on!! I'm super passionate about this storyline, so I'm hoping you guys enjoy it as much as I enjoy writing it. As of right now, I have about 4 chapters completed, and depending on how well this is received I plan on posting them as well. Enjoy your Namjoon crumbs, there is SO much more to come!
Chapter 1: Ideal Woman
Namjoon's POV as he deals with prying reporters, stalkers, and some unwarranted feelings that send him spiraling. How can he claim to know and protect his fellow members if he doesn't even know himself? Y/N, one of 8 members of the worldwide popular K-pop boyband BTS, slowly helps Namjoon along in his journey of self-discovery and acceptance, dealing with his own feelings along the way.
Pairing: Kim Namjoon x male idol Y/N
TW: Stalking, internalized homophobia, heavier topics, invasion of privacy, slight NSFW, 18+
Word count: 2801
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“Now, RM, the fans are dying to know. What are your ideal traits in a girl?” The interviewer smiled and held out the microphone towards Namjoon expectantly. The camera pans over to his face and he forces a smile and glances down.
What a stupid fucking question.
He is so tired of being asked the same questions. Although he knew it was bound to happen due to BTS being worldwide famous idols, still, indulging reporters and tabloids who are constantly hungry for new content and scandals to feed their prying gossipers is so exhausting.
“Ah, well, you know, we all are focusing on our career and don’t have time for anything like that.” He avoids the question, hoping the reporter will drop it. She doesn’t catch on. She has a smile that is too wide and obviously faked. Honestly, Namjoon is pretty sure this american interviewer doesn’t even really know BTS too well or even listen to their music.
“Come on, everyone has a type. ARMY wants to know what kind of woman is RM’s type?”
As if you can speak for ARMY.
“Why do you care?” Namjoon snaps. He surprises himself with his response and immediately follows it up. “I-I mean, it doesn’t really matter. As long as they love and accept me, I guess.” He saves it the best he can. The interviewer stares him down.
“Awe, how sweet. Well before you go Namjoon, we just gotta know! There have been rumors going around that you secretly have a girlfriend! Is it true? Should we be expecting an announcement soon?” As she speaks, pictures flash across the screen of Namjoon caught in the street taking pictures with a fan. Namjoon feels frustration bubble up, not only at the accusation but at the lack of privacy and how the tabloids must have been following him around taking pictures.
“Wow. Really? Shameless.” He loses his patience. “I don’t appreciate being followed and stalked everywhere I go, you know. She is a fan and we took a picture. Sorry I couldn't satisfy your gossip.” He can’t stop himself. “Do you guys really get paid for this? Pushing this scummy, heteronormative agenda on celebrities hoping for a sliver of drama just so you can get a few clicks in by exaggerating and lying? We are people too, just like you. Normal people. So no, you don't get to make assumptions about me or pry into my life.”
“Heteronormative? Are you saying you are something other than straight? Is this official?” The woman interjects. Namjoon is fuming.
“Are you fucking kidding me?” Namjoon gets up and storms away from the lit up booth and over to his staff, who briskly apologize to the interviewer and team and take him back to the studio.
Namjoon knows he went too far. Luckily his agent made sure that the interview would be scrapped and not published, but that is now an entire news group that BigHit won’t ever get an interview with again. Honestly they didn’t need the extra publicity, since at this point any company would be more than ecstatic to host an interview from BTS, but this was supposed to be a series of solo interviews from each of the artists, which would have no doubt been popular. Still, he didn't feel bad. Too many times have people asked BTS questions about their private lives and tried exposing them with false accusations and start scandals, none of which ever stick due to ARMY being so protective of them, but it took a toll on their mental health sometimes. Namjoon sinks into the back seat of the car as he looks out the window, listening to the patter of rain on the roof and watching the street lights reflect off the dripping window.
My ideal woman, huh?
He reflects. Everywhere he goes where people ask him these questions, they always say “ideal girl” or “woman,” always assuming he is straight. I mean, he IS straight, but it bothers him nonetheless. It’s not like anyone bothers to ask, they always just assume. He knows that people just want to hear him talk about specific traits and types to fulfill people’s fantasies. It seems people also assume that all ARMYs are straight fangirls. It’s 2023, how are people still pushing heteronormative standards? He takes out his phone to see new messages in the BTS group chat.
WWH: How’d the interview go?
Namjoon sighed and typed out his response.
Me: Horribly. Pretty sure I ruined it for
all of us, sorry guys.
JK: How so?
Me: I lost it and kind of snapped
V: Dang, sounds like they deserved it then.
No worries man, probably for the best
Me: Stupid private questions. I got
too pissed though, it is my fault, but still
Y/N: Ew, don’t they have anything better
to do?
Jimin: Fr. Don’t feel bad, I would have
been short tempered too
J-hope: Does this mean we have a free
weeknd?
WWH: Nice spelling
J-hope: thx dad
JK: Hell yeah, let's do a movie night!
(read by SUGA, WWH, J-hope, and 4 others)
Namjoon puts his phone away and looks out the window again.
“Are you saying you are something other than straight? Is this official?”
The woman’s words echo in his head longer than he would have liked. Namjoon has always liked women, that he is certain of. Ever since he was little he had crushes on disney princesses and actresses all the time. He had his fair share in heartbreaks and girlfriends in school too. Ever since becoming an idol, however, everything relating to romance seems to have left his life and been put in the back of his mind. He knows it's because they are idols that they aren't allowed to publicly date. That isn’t to say however that he didn't fantasize about having a partner or being in a romantic relationship. Despite BTS being his family and never truly being alone, he couldn’t help feeling lonely in some ways. These days, Namjoon finds himself stuck in his room working even in his free time. Maybe this weekend becoming suddenly free would be a blessing after all.
Namjoon walks into what he and BTS know as the “safehouse,” which is a large home away from the city where all 8 members have access at all times and their own separate rooms. They usually go to the safehouse when they want to meet up, have events and parties or just whenever they want to get out to somewhere private from their own separate homes. The other members are already gathered around in the dining room as he comes through the door.
“Hey, there he is! Welcome to the finest restaurant in all of Korea.” Hoseok yells over from the table where they are all feasting on what looks like bbq.
“Join us, I slaved away at making this for all of you, congratulate me.” Jin’s bubbly voice calls.
“As if. All you did was order the food hyung, don’t act like you prepared it!” Jimin teases Jin and reaches over to put some beef over the bbq and then dips it in some sauce.
“Ah, perfect. I’m starving.” Namjoon puts away his things and sits down in the empty chair next to Y/N. They all get into food and conversation, laughing and smiling and having a great time.
“I’m curious, what did she ask you that sent you over the edge?” Jungkook quired, sitting back as Taehyung brought over some beers.
“The interviewer started asking about my ideal type of woman, a question which I can usually dodge, but she was persistent. Then they pulled up pictures of me back when I was visiting Switzerland where I met a fan and they tried to frame it like a secret girlfriend situation.”
“They followed you to Switzerland?” Y/N looked up, a disgusted look on his face.
“Guess so. Anyways after that she-” Namjoon cuts himself off.
“Are you saying you are something other than straight? Is this official?” Her words came bubbling up again, making him feel nauseous.
“She what?” Taehyung presses. Namjoon shakes his head.
“Nothing. I just got pissed, snapped at her and left after that.” He avoids eye contact with any of them, hoping someone will change the subject.
“I think you were in the right. I would have been so snarky.” Yoongi speaks up from the corner seat.
“Yeah, don’t think about it too much man. There will always be more interviews, with better and more respectful people.” Jungkook says, trying to make him feel better.
The conversation shifts from there and as the night goes on, the boys get more and more inebriated. Jin is practically howling from laughter at Hoseok, who is falling over in his chair with his face bright red. Jimin is half asleep, Jungkook is not far behind him, and Taehyung is talking about some nonsense with Yoongi. Y/N and Namjoon seem to be the better off in the bunch, simply making stupid jokes and laughing at the other members. Namjoon speaks up.
“I’m drunk, gonna turn in for the night. As should all of you.”
“I think Jimin is already there.” Jin laughs and points at Jimin, who is face flat on the table.
“I’ll take him to his room.” Jungkook sighs and lifts Jimin up and carries him away. The other members eventually all go to their respective rooms also. Namjoon makes his way to his room.
Namjoon closes his door and goes to get ready for bed. His tipsiness makes him stumble sometimes, but he manages to get changed and brush his teeth. After getting ready, he practically falls into his bed and crawls underneath the light brown and white covers. He drifts into thought.
Ideal woman…
Namjoon starts thinking about what he finds attractive. He imagines lean, fit bodies and smooth skin. Silky hair and slightly parted lips. Sparkling eyes and light voices that entice him. He imagines a pair of hands caressing his face, feels the hands move down his neck and to his chest, constantly moving. The hands then become arms attached to a lean and skinny body, a dancer’s body. He feels the body with his own hands, moving to the sides of the person and down to their hips. The person materializes even more, revealing defined abs that lead to a man’s chest and strong thighs that straddle Namjoon’s middle, masculine shoulders that carry beauty and grace. The person is a beautifully built man. The face is blurred, but he can make out plump lips that shine, half parted in a silent breath. The figure leans down into Namjoon, hands on his chest and head as it gets closer to his face. Namjoon is lost in a trance by this beautiful person, and leans in to meet his lips with theirs, when he is met with air. He opens his eyes to his empty room and him in bed.
What a strange dream.
He winces as he adjusts under the covers and discovers that he is partially hard.
Great, just what I need.
He doesn’t have the energy to fix it right now, so he just takes a deep breath and ignores it. Eventually, Namjoon drifts off to sleep.
The next day arrives quickly, and the members are all hung over in the house waking each other up and groaning in the living room.
“What’s everyone’s plans today?” Jimin pipes up, cheerfully, as if he didn't get absolutely wasted the night before. J-hope looks up at him from his fetal position.
“How are you a real person?”
“Yoongi-ssi and I were going fishing if anyone wants to join us.” Jin puts the offer out there, to which nobody volunteers.
“I thought you hate fishing?” Y/N asks Yoongi.
“I do, but it makes Jin hyung happy. And it's more fun with friends.” Yoongi half spoke, half groaned his response.
“Awe, he does have a heart!” Jimin teased. Yoongi curled deeper into his blanket in response.
“I want to go hiking today, anyone want to come with? We can get ramyeon after and karaoke!” Jungkook suggests.
“Oh, that sounds fun! I'll come.” Hoseok blinks the sleepy away from his eyes and nods.
“Jimin and I will come too.” Taehyung holds up his arm.
“Do I get any say in this?” Jimin smacks Taehyung’s shoulder.
Guess that leaves Namjoon and Y/N. Namjoon turns to him.
“Would you be interested in going to the National Folk Museum of Art in Seoul? I haven’t been there in a while.” Namjoon and Y/N both share a passion for minimalistic art and artists as well as art history. Y/N looked up at him and smiled through groggy eyes.
“Sure, that sounds fun!”
Cute.
“Sounds like we all got plans then! Get up and get going boys, or these hangovers are gonna take your Friday away.” Jin initiates the march to get ready for the day and get going. As everyone gets up and gets ready to leave, Namjoon also stands up. Y/N stays on the couch for a second before groaning and putting his arms out.
“Help me up hyung, i'm dying.” Namjoon smiles and exaggeratedly pulls Y/N up from the couch.
“I take it I will be driving us?” Y/N teases.
“It’s safer for us and the universe that I don’t.” Namjoon laughs and lets Y/N go upstairs. He trips over the first step, making Namjoon smile.
Was he always this adorable?
Some time goes by and Namjoon gets a text.
Y/N: I’ll be ready in 15, meet me in my car?
Me: SOunds good
Y/N: Lol typo
He puts his phone away and gets ready. After 15 minutes of looking for a good art museum outfit (he decides on jeans and a hoodie because he couldn't decide) Namjoon heads downstairs and to the parking lot to meet Y/N. He sees the light mint green beetle with its engine on and in the driver’s seat is Y/N, in what looks to be a brown sweater and a green beret with thin circle glasses. He opens the passenger door and buckles his seatbelt.
“You look nice! Perfect for the museum.” Namjoon compliments his outfit.
“Ah, a classic Namjoon look.” Y/N laughs, pointing out Namjoon’s plain outfit.
“Yeah well, I'm okay with being inconspicuous.”
“You will be my staff as I get all the attention!!” Y/N smiles and gives Namjoon’s shoulder a light punch. Namjoon looks around the inside of Y/N’s car, taking it all in. The interior is light brown and clean, Y/N likes to keep his things tidy. On the windshield mirror is hanging a car freshener that looks like a daisy. Y/N turns on his bluetooth and connects his phone to the radio.
“Any music suggestions?” He asks Namjoon.
“I want to listen to what you want. What are you listening to these days?” Namjoon inquires. It has been a while since he hung out with any of the members one on one. Y/N nods and scrolls through his phone as if it was a super important decision.
“I need to find songs that you wont judge me for.” Y/N laughs, half joking.
“You know I listen to a bit of everything, not much can surprise me.” Namjoon reassures him. Y/N smiles and a song begins to play. Namjoon recognizes it as Troye Sivan’s “Lucky Strike.” Y/N bops his head along to the music and looks at Namjoon for approval.
“I know Troye Sivan. He has a great voice.”
“God, what I would GIVE to do a collab with him!” Y/N reels, then puts the car in reverse and they set off. The car ride is pleasant and calming as they take turns recommending songs and vibing to them, moments of silent listening as well as gushing about artists they like.
“I wish we could be more open in our music. Like Troye Sivan or Frank Ocean.” Y/N expresses. “I mean, I know we technically can, and there is nothing wrong with expressing your true self through music, but I feel like we have to be so on edge because of how many people listen to our music.” Namjoon understands what he means.
“I get it. We have to tiptoe around certain topics because of how international our reach is.” Y/N nods solemnly to Namjoon's response.
“Yeah. I just wish I could write about what I want without worrying about scandals. We write about girls all the time, I'd love to write a boy love song.” Y/N is focused on the road. Namjoon turns to look at him when he says that, but doesn't say anything. They bop their heads to music the whole way, Y/N making silly gestures and expressions to the music as he drives. A slight burning feeling arises in Namjoon's chest, and upon realizing he is staring quickly glances away and swallows.
Must still be hungover.
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Aaaaaa what did you guys think?!?! I have SO much more written that I'm excited to share with you about this story. If you enjoyed and want to see more chapters please show this some love and tell me what you think below!!!
Stay tuned, Jae loves you <3
#sure thats what it is buddy#experimenting with sexuality#unsure namjoon#idol au#kim namjoon#kim namjoon x male reader#kim namjoon x reader#namjoon#namjoon x reader#namjoon x male reader#rm#rm x reader#rm x male reader#rm smut#kim namjoon smut#namjoon smut#namjoon x male reader smut#bts#army#bts fanfic#bts gay fanfic#Spotify
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"oh please everyone has gay thoughts sometimes" so what i'm hearing is that heteronormativity is so ingrained that a significant percentage of the population regularly experiences bisexual attraction? but dismisses it as something that all straight people experience? this is so concerning are you guys okay
#'lol women/men are so hot it's a shame i'm straight' buddy i got news for you#gimme a B! and an I! and a PHO! and a BIA!!!#look hon you can be more frequently and strongly attracted to one gender and still experience meaningful attraction to other genders#you can have a strong preference without that erasing other facets of your sexuality#a bunch of people experience bisexual attraction while still having a preference for a certain gender#and guess what! those are still bisexual experiences!#congratulations human sexuality is rich and varied and frequently evolving isn't it wonderful isn't it grand
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"I am going to put a stop to your fornication with the sea. She belongs to me."
-- Spartan general Callicratidas to general Conon of Athens for various reasons but none that justify this phrasing.
#xenophon hellenica is an experience#why does he sound like how those booktok wattpad brained teens imagine their immensely sexually frustrated fictional love interests speakin#stop being weird about the sea Callicratidas! you can't fuck the sea!
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you're grabbing lunch with a nice man and he gives you that strange grimace-smile that's popular right now; an almost sardonic "twist" of his mouth while he looks literally down on you. it looks like he practiced the move as he leans back, arms folded. he just finished reciting the details of NFTs to you and explaining Oppenheimer even though he only watched a youtube about it and hasn't actually seen it. you are at the bottom of your wine glass.
you ask the man across from you if he has siblings, desperately looking for a topic. literally anything else.
he says i don't like small talk. and then he smiles again, watching you.
a few years ago, you probably would have said you're above celebrity gossip, but honestly, you've been kind of enjoying the dumb shit of it these days. with the rest of the earth burning, there's something familiar and banal about dragging ariana grande through the mud. you think about jeanette mccurdy, who has often times gently warned the world she's not as nice as she appears. you liked i'm glad my mom died but it made you cry a lot.
he doesn't like small talk, figure out something to say.
you want to talk about responsibility, and how ariana grande is only like 6 days older than you are - which means she just turned 30 and still dresses and acts like a 13 year old, but like sexy. there's something in there about the whole thing - about insecurity, and never growing up, and being sexualized from a young age.
people have been saying that gay people are groomers. like, that's something that's come back into the public. you have even said yourself that it's just ... easier to date men sometimes. you would identify as whatever the opposite of "heteroflexible" is, but here you are again, across from a man. you like every woman, and 3 people on tv. and not this guy. but you're trying. your mother is worried about you. she thinks it's not okay you're single. and honestly this guy was better before you met, back when you were just texting.
wait, shit. are you doing the same thing as ariana grande? are you looking for male validation in order to appease some internalized promise of heteronormativity? do you conform to the idea that your happiness must result in heterosexuality? do you believe that you can resolve your internal loneliness by being accepted into the patriarchy? is there a reason dating men is easier? why are you so scared of fucking it up with women? why don't you reach out to more of them? you have a good sense of humor and a big ol' brain, you could have done a better job at online dating.
also. jesus christ. why can't you just get a drink with somebody without your internal feminism meter pinging. although - in your favor (and judgement aside) in the case of your ariana grande deposition: you have been in enough therapy you probably wouldn't date anyone who had just broken up with their wife of many years (and who has a young child). you'd be like - maybe take some personal time before you begin this journey. like, grande has been on broadway, you'd think she would have heard of the plot of hamlet.
he leans forward and taps two fingers to the table. "i'm not, like an andrew tate guy," he's saying, "but i do think partnership is about two people knowing their place. i like order."
you knew it was going to be hard. being non-straight in any particular way is like, always hard. these days you kind of like answering the question what's your sexuality? with a shrug and a smile - it's fine - is your most common response. like they asked you how your life is going and not to reveal your identity. you like not being straight. you like kissing girls. some days you know you're into men, and sometimes you're sitting across from a man, and you're thinking about the power of compulsory heterosexuality. are you into men, or are you just into the safety that comes from being seen with them? after all, everyone knows you're failing in life unless you have a husband. it almost feels like a gradebook - people see "straight married" as being "all A's", and anything else even vaguely noncompliant as being ... like you dropped out of the school system. you cannot just ignore years of that kind of conditioning, of course you like attention from men.
"so let's talk boundaries." he orders more wine for you, gesturing with one hand like he's rousing an orchestra. sir, this is a fucking chain restaurant. "I am not gonna date someone who still has male friends. also, i don't care about your little friends, i care about me. whatever stupid girls night things - those are lower priority. if i want you there, you're there."
he wasn't like this over text, right? you wouldn't have been even in the building if he was like this. you squint at him. in another version of yourself, you'd be running. you'd just get up and go. that's what happens on the internet - people get annoyed, and they just leave. you are locked in place, almost frozen. you need to go to the bathroom and text someone to call you so you have an excuse, like it's rude to just-leave. like he already kind of owns you. rudeness implies a power paradigm, though. see, even your social anxiety allows the patriarchy to get to you.
you take a sip of the new glass of wine. maybe this will be a funny story. maybe you can write about it on your blog. maybe you can meet ariana grande and ask her if she just maybe needs to take some time to sit and think about her happiness and how she measures her own success.
is this settling down? is this all that's left in your dating pool? just accepting that someone will eventually love you, and you have to stop being picky about who "makes" you a wife?
you look down to your hand, clutching the knife.
#writeblr#this is a mashup of like 3 dates i accidentally went on lol#by that i mean that i was out with a woman on a date in 2 of these situations#and a man just. joined us. and we were too awkward to say anything while he tried to ''date'' me#& one was a longterm friend that i was like. you what????#like he's nice he's a doctor and my mom was SO happy she was like raquel think about it#''it's a perfect love story you grew up together and reconnected as adults and like the same things and he's friends with ur brother#and his sister is one of ur close friends!!!''#yes but alas. he is a boy . she only likes girls. can i make it any more obvious#anyway im tryna write about like the force of male attention being actually incredibly ingrained to women like we are SUPPOSED to like it#it's seen as the only important thing#even if ur gay#and it's a nuanced thing idk#and while rn i i.d. as lesbian#like .... it wouldn't be UNTRUE to say i am probably like ''cusp bisexual'' bc i CAN experience attraction to men bc like .#sexuality is fluid...#don't tell straight ppl tho bc they do not understand the concept that ppl don't necessarily need a solid everlasting label#they're like GET in the BOX#if ur gay & in boston i'm 30 and pretty please come kiss me.#(i usually only date older ppl sorry in advance tho)
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This whole scene is damn near impossible to work with because dark af and zero quality, but. Two very important things:
Steve putting on Eddie's vest
Eddie staring at Steve as he walks away in his vest and blatantly checking out his ass
#steddie#gifset#misha-bawlins gifs#poor boy the whole upside down experience was like 60% terrifying and 40% sexually frustrating#one minute he'd be having a near breakdown and the next he's like 'oh... hot boy.'
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“We should celebrate the sexual aspects of queer pride” and “Queer happiness can exist without sex” are statements than can and should coexist btw
#asexual#acespec#asexuality#sex positive#queer#ace pride#queer pride#sexuality#QUEER EXPERIENCES ARE A SPECTRUM 🗣️
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listen. this may sound like a reach but I don’t think house’s eagerness to go to the lesbian bar with thirteen was fetishistic glee. because like. okay. straight men love lesbians. but it’s only ever in a “conventionally attractive porn stars making out”, “I’ll pay these 2 strippers to kiss” sort of way, not exactly in the sense that they like to surround themselves with regular, real life sapphics. in fact, most hetero men despise the lesbians they meet in real life because they see them as either unattainable or unappealing disappointments to their fantasies. now, listen. house isn’t stupid, it’s not like he thought thirteen was gonna let him in on some hot girl-on-girl voyeuristic action, and he certainly knew he wasn’t about to get laid himself at a bar of ALL WLW. he’s an overconfident perv, sure, but not the kind who thinks he can ‘convert’ a gay gal, nor would he even desire to. the damn patient of the week is a guy who tried to ECT himself straight, which house obviously doesn’t believe is reasonable (this episode also gave us the shot where both house & thirteen are shown making a face in response to “I’m as straight as any of you!”)
with all of this laid out, you kinda have to assume that he was excited about the bar for another reason. dare I say it was simply… the joy of existing in a queer space as a queer person?
#I know there’s 0 chance that the writers thought it through this hard#but I genuinely believe this with my entire soul#it’s one thing for house to be an ally and support thirteen’s sexuality#but to delight in sharing the bisexual experience with her? just basking in the inclusiveness of an lgbt environment?#that’s a whole nother beast#you get what I’m saying?#he was just there for the vibes.#one might even say… for the pride#he had 0 ulterior motives other than to have a good time#house md#gregory house#greg house#dr house#hatecrimes md#remy hadley#remy thirteen hadley#thirteen house md#you know what I’ll also throw in a#hilson#house/wilson
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ultimately when it comes to shipping and fandom space treatment of aspec characters i just don't accept "aro/ace people can still date/have sex" as an answer from nonaspecs. like yeah. mhm. okay. now i think we both know that you're not saying that out of real interest in the diversity of aspec experiences. so you can turn in your seventeen-page essay on why and how you plan to examine this character's aspec identity within the context of a romantic or sexual relationship complete with evidence from canon and peer reviews from multiple aspec people within the next week or i'm putting you in the pit from the edgar allen poe story
#you know. the one with the pendulum#'hey. why are you as an allo person shipping this aspec character like this'#'oh aspec people can still date/have sex!'#'yeah. now can you answer the question that i actually asked you'#like goddamn just say you don't care they're aspec and you want to fulfill a sexual/romantic fantasy with them. that's Fine#it like. sucks. for sure. lotta aspec people will be unhappy with you. but everyone is entitled to their own wants and experiences.#but i'd prefer you just be honest with it rather than using our community's conversation points as retroactive justification#and ONCE AGAIN. you guys are real fucking cavalier with this shit and it shows a real fundamental lack of respect for aspecs#when most of you would NEVER ship a canonically gay character with the 'other' gender. cause again. it would suck.#you can do it. nobody's Stopping you. but it would suck.#and we understand that putting a queer character in situations that erase that queerness is shitty! until it comes to aspec characters!#and whoa... there it is again... people don't consider aspec identities to be queer... crazy how it always comes back to that#anyway. you all know what i'm talking about. have seen many posts about this lately#it is [ long sigh ] unfortunately a very hot button issue with the advent lately of alastor hazbinhotel#which. again. god i wish there were other canon aspec characters to be having this conversation about.#but we'll have to do our best with what we have#aromantic#aromanticism#arospec#aroace#talking#aspec#asexual#asexuality
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Do girls know that they can never have sex? Do girls know that they can have sex with women? Do girls know their first time isn’t supposed to hurt? Do girls know that they’re not supposed to bleed? Do girls know that vaginas becoming ‘loose’ with more sex is a myth? Do girls know that you can stop halfway through? Do girls know that if they have a mediocre first time, it doesn’t mean it’ll feel like that forever? Do girls know that they don’t have to prove they’re not boring or prudish? Do girls know it’s okay to demand a condom? Do girls know they don’t have to ever ‘give in’ to demands, even a little? Until teenage girls and women know every way they can say ‘yes’ or ‘no’, sexual liberation isn’t complete.
#By girls I mean like ~15-16 years old#Who are coming into their sexuality and possibly having their first experiences#My post#feminism#feminist#female sexuality#female health#radical feminism#radical feminist#radfem#radblr#My bangers
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Hey so sorry if this somehow feels uncomfortable, but I'd really like to thank you for being like, very compassionate in how you portray Machete. I don't know why I feel so strongly about this but as someone who has been dealing with the fallout of religious trauma and other such problems, it really affected my ability to deal with sexuality and the overwhelming almost instinctual self-hating shame that comes with that. It's something I'm so absolutely ashamed of talking about even with close friends, it actually makes me a bit emotional to see that someone, who might or might have not been through the same, understands how it's like. It's one of the great things about art. Anyway sorry for the long ask, you're great, keep being so strong.
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#I thought about how personal I wanted to get here but suffice to say I'm familiar with the feeling#it means a lot to me to hear that there are people who relate with this stuff because like you said it's not something people are eager to#talk about#having a difficult relationship with something as natural and ordinary as sexuality can be such a humiliating experience#and it can take years to navigate your way out of the obstacle course of fear guilt and shame#answered#anonymous
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They always say “read Whipping Girl” but never warn you how often the book is hostile towards or just straight up wrong about transmasculine & non-binary people whenever they’re brought up. Like I’m starting to see why so many people who say that are transandrophobic tbh
#transandrophobia#exorsexism#whipping girl#mine#she’s almost exclusively brought them up to be critical about them#and has made several false claims or generalizations about them#I’m still reading through but maybe I’ll list them at a later point#e.g. trans men feel safer after transition + don’t rlly experience violence + aren’t sexualized#& that genderqueer/nby people can often be ‘binary-phobic’
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We don’t talk enough about how every institution Sirius should have been able to put his trust in betrayed him at some point. From his parents to his friends, to the light side he left everything for, to the dark side he would give anything not to be in.
The greatest irony of Sirius, is that for a person who is literally distinguished by his loyalty, a character who let himself be tortured to the brink in Wizarding hell for twelve years simply because he trusted the wrong person, a person whose animagus is literally a dog, is this: He would die, die after being kept in a cage at the urging of Albus Dumbledore and the Order he sacrificed his family for and then murdered by that very family itself. That he’d fall only after he has been utterly ruined by everyone he ever loved, everyone who he should have been able to trust, down to his house elf.
Sirius was 21 years old and lost his entire twenties to Azkaban because even Dumbledore who would bat for reformed Death Eaters and students rearing murderous spiders in his school wouldn’t consider giving him so much as a trial.
Friendly reminder that he wasn’t just locked up in a cell and left there, this was his state of affairs:
“…. he was one of the most heavily guarded in the place, you know. Dementors outside his door day and night.”
And we can infer, considering that he was a barely legal soldier raised in an abusive household that that was not a cakewalk. Dementors are terrifying torture machines even for the well adjusted let alone the traumatised.
It also speaks a lot about why he gives himself to James with such abandon and why no one else will ever hold that position in Sirius’ life. James is the only person to ever to take that love, that trust, that faith and to nurture it, protect it, to worship it. He’s Sirius’ guardian and Sirius’ salvation and Sirius’ font of security. Is it truly such a surprise that Sirius never quite recovers from his death? With James gone, where else could he go?
Sirius was the Brightest Star in the sky and apparently the only thing Death Eaters and the Order of the Phoenix could agree upon is snuffing out his light.
#sirius black#james potter#albus dumbledore#prongsfoot#Dumbledore let Sirius down in every possible way one person can hurt another#Sirius never got to see the world and experience art and music#Sirius never got to explore his self and his sexuality outside of war and trauma
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Okay but ace present mic who is so physically affectionate he practically hangs off of Aizawa whenever they're in the same room, who always has to run a hand through his hair or hold his hand or press their cheeks together and he's been like that ever since they met so Aizawa doesn't even consider that he might be special in Mic's eyes and just pines and pines and indulges in whatever Mic gives him,
And Mic doesn't even realize he's in love because he already has everything he wants in their relationship, doesn't even consider that all of his touches sends shivers down Aizawa's spine and pools heat in his gut because Mic just doesn't feel stuff like that. He's just so happy with their closeness and easy physical affection that he doesn't even consider the idea that they could be more.
And then when Aizawa finally cannot stop himself from reacting, accidentally moans or pops a boner or something when Mic presses their bodies together and hugs him from behind, Mic is just so curious about all of these new reactions and finds a kind of satisfaction in teasing them out of Aizawa, living vicariously through him because to him nothing has changed at all. The feeling in his chest is the same old fondness it's always been, but it burns even brighter now that he has a way to give back to Aizawa after all these years of seemingly one-sided affection.
When he fondles him or bites his ear it's like studying the behaviour of a different species because all of these little reactions are so surprising and unexpected for him and he drinks them in with a sort of curious wonder, finding satisfaction not in any personal sexual gratification he might stumble upon, but in watching Aizawa come undone beneath him.
#erasermic#maizawa#aizawa shouta#yamada hizashi#present mic#eraserhead#Asexuality#Based on my own experience of sexuality#Im still figuring shit out
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hey btw why were so many people (mostly girls) in like middle or even elementary school constantly socially assigning people a "top" or a "bottom" based solely on how they acted around others and how shy they were??
no alexis i am not a "soft cute little smol bean subby boy" or whatever, I'm just traumatized and undiagnosed autistic and also we're both 11 years old and I'm trying to pay attention to our teacher doing a lesson right now. your parents should've never given you unrestricted internet access. delete wattpad.
#autistic#autistic experiences#autism#sexualizing autism#actually autistic#trans nsft#ftm t4t#t4t mlm#mlm nsft#transmasc mlm#ftm mlm#mlm ftm#trans mlm#yaoi#yaoi bl#yaoi manga#fanfic#fanfiction#internet access beyond youtube should not be given to anyone under 15 anymore i stand by that#top and bottom#dom/sub#bd/sm kink#ptsd#complex ptsd#ftm#trans masc#trans man#transmasc
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When other people I knew in grad school read Kathy Acker’s books they were shocked. Appalled. Particularly most of the budding young feminists. I actually began weeding out women friends by their reactions to her books. The ones that smiled and lowered their eyes with sly understanding and touched themselves, I kept. The ones that freaked out, well, they were idiots. Once I read a paragraph from Empire of the Senseless in my theory of gender class and one of the women began to cry and ran out and barfed. No shit. Pussy, I thought.
—Lidia Yuknavitch, from The Chronology of Water
#quotations#lidia yuknavitch#kathy acker#the chronology of water#i think of this so so often#because i had a similar experience in undergrad#but was thinking of it again recently because i noticed a distinct split in the reactions of my women and nonbinary friends re: poor things#(note: i am not saying ‘women and enbies’ because i think they’re the same obvs#i’m just using it to denote ‘any friend who’s not a man’)#so#some are in the ‘smiling and lowering their eyes and touching themselves’ category#like: ‘i related to bella because xyz and therefore i loved it’#and some are in the ‘crying and barfing’ category#like: ‘i was super triggered and thought the depictions of sexuality were problematic and horrible’#i mean i’m not going to weed out friends because of it#but it’s…interesting#makes me think of that post that’s like#a piece of art can be triggering and awful for someone and healing and cathartic for someone else
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lesbians who are terfs will never make any sense to me crying about the supposed exclusivity of the “female experience” like my brother in christ she experienced an othered, lonely, confusing childhood where she was made to feel inadequate in her gender, sexuality, or both just the same as you and instead of letting this unify you against patriarchy you just enforce it on other people to maintain the sliver of “power” you think you have. how do u not see how dumb this is oh my god
#like trans women are hurt by the patriarchy they don’t benefit from it you fucking coconuts bc even if they were ‘men’ (they’re not)#they’d be men who cannot live up to the standards set by patriarchy!!!! this is feminism 101 yet some people run their mouths like it’s 1912#like dude. she’s doing gender and sexuality in a way cishet society hates just like u are. please be fucking smart and realize attacking her#only hurts YOU and loses YOU the same bodily autonomy u wanna deny her for the sake of “’saving ur lesbian brethren’ or what the fuck ever#you’re hurting cis women trans women intersex people EVERYONE because you’re so obsessed w feeling special for being perceived as a woman#and then being harmed for it that you can’t even see that the women you hate so much experience the EXACT SAME SHIT. use ur brain!!!!!!#anyways sorry read some takes from some lesbians in LC and got way too heated. god bless u trans dykes i love u trans dykes#idk what to tag this so. ya#posts
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