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ratrrriot · 11 months

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How do you feel when people call Amy a stalker?

People can call her what they want, however…

Do i think it's fair to call Amy a stalker?

In some of the games? Yes, and even in some of the ones she wasn't a stalker per-se, she still showed possessive and obsessive tendencies. So i get where it comes from...

Generally? No. Her character originally wasn't supposed to be a harasser and she sure isn't one in the present. the franchise has been clearly trying to do better for her these past few years.

I think Amy's changing characterization is an interesting topic of discussion, so even though i technically already answered your question i'll take this chance and proceed to talk about my fave for way longer than i need to :).

Note: This is just my take on Amy and the way i understand her ENGLISH PORTRAYAL. I won't be talking about her japanese one which would deserve its own analysis.

Sorry for any writing mistakes in advance (english is hard) and feel free to correct me if i'm factually wrong about something (i wrote this thing mostly from memory so i imagine i must be.)

Amy has changed A LOT troughout the games and has been in the hands of many different writers across Sonic media ,so when talking about her is important to be specific about what game,series or comic we are talking about (and language),and while i know that some of you might not agree and i respect that, i think that -looking at the subtleties- Amy has had at least 6 different portrayals through the course of the games. That being said,i believe the idea that she is a stalker comes especifically from the characterization they started giving her around 2003

Originally,Amy was envisioned as a sweet 12-year-old kid who had a huge unreciprocated crush on her idol and a passion for fortune-reading ,but who wasn't exactly much of a heroine herself. In the classic era,her place in the narrative was just to serve as a damsel in distress and a cute,funny detail. Ofc,in comics and animated shorts for games like Origins, we have gotten more content of classic Amy being fully independent and capable of defending herself (even more with the upcoming playable mode for her in Origins Plus), but i think we can all see how such aspects of her character weren’t included at the time she was created (only exception being Sonic Fighters)

Especifically in the adventure era (AKA the birth of modern Amy) they gave Amy her iconic strong,compassionate,romantic personality and an interest/love for adventure (and her sassy attitude ofc). She's outspoken,stubborn,brave and honest. I also want to point out that in this first portrayal ,her love for Sonic feels more like innocent childish idolization than an obsession and that her character doesn't revolve exclusively around it (she will stand in his way if she doesn't think what he does is right). Tbh i think she's incredibly funny,cool and lovable,

They slowly started planting the seeds for her character to stop being a "damsel in distress" by making her playable and defeat ZERO all on her own at the end of SA1,then also being playable in Sonic advance and helping Sonic get out of prison in SA2 (and tagging along for the rest of the adventure). In all these games,her character revolves around empathy,optimism and kindness. The way she protects the flicky since the moment she finds it,how she defends Gamma from Sonic and the iconic moment in SA2 where she convinces Shadow to help save earth are all great examples.

THEN, in Heroes , they decided to try something new with her taking her confidence and sassy attitude to a whole other level. Giving her the chance to be a fully-fleshed hero who didn't need rescuing anymore. She became independent and the leader of her own team of friends who she wanted to help. I love this Amy cause she feels really strong,determined and empowered without losing her peppiness,silliness,positivity and kindness. Her flaws are also especially endearing to me: How much of a wild kid she is,How even if she means well, she relies way too much in brute force, How she has trouble getting out of her own head, etc. She really feels just as confident and energic as Sonic,but just like him,you can tell she has a huge heart.

HOWEVER, as much as i love how they made her strength and bravery shine in this game, Heroes was the game that gave birth to the idea that Amy is willing to chase and even fight Sonic just to insist that they should marry (in SA2 she did follow him to the prison but it was only to help him and tag along in the adventure).

Ofc this was supposed to be comedic and to be seen as childish,harmless behavior- I say this because the rest of the characters,including Sonic himself,don't seem to take it seriously- but what was supposed to be seen as an endearing flaw at the time, would rapidly mute into what's probably Amy's worst portrayal ,as the writers turned it into harassment for the next mainline games (Ignoring Shadow the hedgehog where she is the same as in heroes and only has a brief appearance.)

Before i go into Battle,i just want to say that the definition of stalker according to google is “a person who harasses or persecutes someone with unwanted and obsessive attention.” A definition that definitely did not apply to her before Heroes,but that i can't deny that does apply to Amy for the next few games:

In Battle, Amy is suddenly written as aggresive and self-centered. All her compassion and empathy from the adventure era is gone, intimidating people (even Cream) and demanding information from them from the get-go. Of course she does a few good things throughout the game too,like take care of Emerl and such,but she still mainly uses him for her benefit (calories counter and emerald radar). Right off the bat,at the start of her storyline she insists on searching for Sonic even when she herself assumes he is hiding from her -which implies she knows what she's doing is worth hiding for- and tries to justify her behavior by saying that Sonic actually loves her and that he is being “ just shy “ or that “ he got cold feet”- while others characters react in a way that implies that's obviously not the case and that her behavior is worrysome..

I think it's important to mention that before Battle, we hadn’t gotten a single line of dialogue that implied that Amy tought that her behavior could be hurtful for Sonic, nor did she ever threaten anyone at all unless it was self defense. She knew he didn’t reciprocate her feelings and was actively trying to make him fall for her anyways,sure, but we gotta remember that while the canon ages might have been scrapped recently, at the time Modern Amy was created they were still very much canon and you can tell they had them in mind when writing these characters. Amy was supposed to be 12 ,so it makes sense that she didn't understand why Sonic wouldn’t accept her affection. She idolized him and misinterpreted the fact that he always was protecting her as possible romantic interest,but never actually imposed anything on him. The worst thing she ever did to him was wanting to hug him without consent,and again, the games implied that she clearly didn't realize such a thing wasn't ok. Sonic also didn't seem to want to hurt her feelings so while he did run away and expressed being annoyed by her he never explicitly told her to stop. I actually think that if he had sat her down and made it clear to her that what she was doing was truly bothering him, The Amy from the adventure era would have stopped, but i doubt he cared enough to do that honestly (after all ,in his recap screens it is implied that what truly bothers him about Amy being near him is not her crush,but that he thinks shes exposed to danger.)

BUT in Battle and for the next three games,Amy doesn’t seem to be written as a 12-year-old who mistakes admiration for love anymore. This is where the writers started to portray her as someone who is clearly still young and definitely childish but not innocent. Her whole character revolves around harassing Sonic and using her strength to intimidate others, and don't get me wrong,I like that Amy gets angry easily!! i like that she isn't afraid of a fight,that she complains a lot, and that she isn't peaceful. After all,those are important parts of who she is. But Battle!Amy is on a whole other level: she gets mad at her friends just because they don't agree with everything she does or says. It's not about having a strong personality anymore,she's just generally aggressive. For the next few games she and Sonic can't have one normal conversation that isn't Amy imposing her own wishes over him and him trying to get away from her, so it's hard to believe she wouldn't realize that what's she's doing is wrong nor accidental as we were supposed to before. This time It just feels like she is deciding to ignore the signs.

This continued in advance 3 ,where she literally threatens him with her hammer just cause he shows signs of not being interested in spending time with her when they meet, Then in rush she becomes possesive and jealous the second he mentions Blaze and also seems to treathen him with the hammer in the credits scene because he is running from her hug.

They changed the direction of her characterization again after Rush. The best way i can describe the Amy that is present in Riders,06,etc is one that has two very polarized sides to her personality. On one side,she is a peppy,sweet,over enthusiastic and romantic girl, on the other she is a pretty intimidating one with an obsession with Sonic and very fiery temper. However,contrary to her last portrayal,she is more polite and actually asks Sonic if she can come with him various times,doesn't harass him and doesn't threaten people simply cause they don't agree with her anymore, but she still doesn't seem to have any sense of boundaries,still follows Sonic without permission sometimes and still clearly has no consideration for his personal space. Another thing about this Amy is how her flirting is really intense, and even if she isn't as aggressive as the Amy from Battle,if someone messes a bit with her she doesn't hesitate to resort to intimidation or take her hammer out.

She still gets violent towards Sonic sometimes,but what's different from her last characterization is that instead of doing so merely because he doesn't show romantic interest in her ,its mostly because he doesn't follow on his promises (end of Black Knight) or shows up to save her “properly” (Referring to 1- that scene in Riders where he blows eggman -who had caught Amy- away with wind and she chases him with her hammer because “how could he not think that would hit her too “ and 2- the one in Zero Gravity where he arrives late to save her and she playfully throws him a few fists saying that “it took him long enough!”). I don't think she's necesarily right to do that but i don't consider it to be problematic either, since by that point the games had strongly implied that there was a non-spoken agreement between the two that he'll always show up to save her and the whole thing feels more playful than anything else. Mostly because Sonic seems to be fine with her being around again, as he never really denies her acussations or runs away when she gets mad,and even tries to explain himself to her.

So yeah,this Amy is one of the more famous -and infamous- ones,as her negative and positive qualities are more balanced than the one from Battle. However,i personally don't like her much as there's almost no focus on the empathetic/compassionate side of her character that was so prominent in the adventure era and ,even if i wouldn’t call this version of her a Stalker , she's still is way too obsessive and possesive for my liking. The writing for her character is still pretty much completely based on being attracted to Sonic, to the point that In 06 she tells Silver that, if she had to, she'd “choose Sonic over the world".

In Sonic Chronicles , Amy gets a lot of dialogue. She gets jealous in a scene but its not as bad as in Rush and she tries to make Sonic jealous by inventing a fake boyfriend (terrible trope) but her levels of aggressiveness are up to the player's treatment of her. I am ,however , mentioning this game because of a scene in specific near the final section in which Amy is scared they might die and aks Sonic if she can have a moment with him. She then tries to have a serious conversation and politely asks if he cares about her or if he likes her at all. if the player chooses to make Sonic say he does care for her she is legitimately surprised and thankful. Idk what happens If he rejects her cause i haven't been able to find any recordings of that and i never owned this game,but i'll assume that her reaction won't be too bad considering she is asking in the first place(?) feel free to tell me if you know…

This portrayal of Amy is still present in Unleashed (2008) ,in which Amy is there to cheer/support Sonic on throughout the game and to serve as an important indicator that Sonic is quite self conscious of his looks when he's a werehog. She is generally very sweet towards him in this game (especially when she shows no rejection towards his werehog form,which is a detail i adore), even if she does get annoyed when he doesn't pay as much attention to her as he does to Chip or reciprocate her feelings.

A good example is how, before the last temple ,she asks him if he'd like to go on a date with her after everything is over. If you choose the positive dialogue option she is ,again, positively surprised and thankful. If you make him say no she complains about how he's being mean, but doesn't insist on it and just accepts it.

In Free Riders (2010) ,Amy just generally acts extremely out out of character (like,she doesn't even fit into Battle's portrayal). It really feels like someone who didn't know anything about the character wrote her, so for the sake of the pink hedgie let's ignore it and go back to talking about portrayal 4.

I already mentioned her brief apparition in Black Night and there's nothing worth mentioning about her in Generations so i'll skip them.

This portrayal ended in Lost World (2013),In which they toned down Amy as a character in general,leaving out all of her flaws and iconic traits out. She feels plain and her strong personality,confidence,sass,energy,etc all seem to be completely gone. She's just sweet and that's it . For some reason there's a scene where she literally tries to confess to Sonic and is cut off before she can finish,which is very funny considering it had never been treated as a secret before??? it really goes to show how hard they were trying to pull some kind of reboot on her. Fortunately,this characterization was only a two-game-thing (She is just as plain in Forces (2015)) so i'll put it in the same bag as the Free riders one and we'll leave it at that.

After Lost world came Boom (2014) ,and then we got the most recent change of Amy's personality,which we all know has had a mixed reception from the fandom. Originally people thought that this Amy would stay just in the Boom universe ,but this personality has been showing up in the mainline games for a while now,like in Team Sonic Racing (2019) and Frontiers (2021).

This Amy feels older than any of the ones that came before her. She kept the sass,the love for romanticism,the positive attitude,the confidence and the strenght but her bad temper and over enthusiasm are gone,as she is generally more calm,less energetic and not childish at all. Most importantly,this Amy is extremely emotionally intelligent,as the rest of characters seem to look for her help and advice constantly ( to the point that she has been given the "therapist friend" title by the fandom and is even referred as "the nice one" by Eggman himself ). Another interesting thing about this Amy is that she doesn't flirt with Sonic anymore,In fact, she barely expresses her liking for him (She does so a bit more in Japanese chz the characterization varies) and Sonic seems completely comfortable with this version of her around.

A lot of people say that this version of her is out of character and I completely understand where that comes from, but i must disagree because this characterization of Amy is the first one since the adventure era that focuses on her compassion/empathy rather than on her crush on Sonic, which combined with her intelligence,makes her not out of character,just the most emotionally mature Amy to date instead. I actually think that if the og modern Amy had grown up,this is the kind of personality she would’ve developed while becoming an adult (although she isn't supposed to be one). A good argument to defend this point would be that one Egg-memo you can buy through the fishing minigame in Frontiers where Eggman talks about how Amy has "come a long way" and how it took her some time "to find herself" and get out of Sonic's shadow.

Only problem i have with this Amy is that i wish she was more flawed and bubbly,mostly cause she can come off as very plain from time to time and way too mature. She is a bit too perfect for my taste. I'd like her to mess up more,to not always be so smart,to be more impulsive,a little bit more clumsy,fiery and wild,just so she could have some more of the charm of the original,y'know?

Before i talk about her more recent Videogame portrayal (TMoSTH) i want talk about IDW Amy:

in IDW, all of Amy's flaws and positive traits from past games are balanced pretty well: she is flawed and relatable and can mess up a bit sometimes because of her impulsivity,but she's emotionally and strategically inteligent, optimistic and incredibly kind. She is a great fighter and leader,but also a wonderful friend who offers emotional support. She has a strong personality, lots of sass and can be very aggressive and intimidating towards her enemies, but not any less of an empathetic and compassionate person because of that. Her strength and confidence are pillars for her character instead of nonsensical anger,but she still shows self doubt and fear from time to time. She is energic, idealistic and still a romantic,but not obsessive nor possesive. peppy but emotionally intelligent. She still loves Sonic, but her feelings for him feel authentic rather than childish idealization,and given that she now respects his space,she's written to be happy just with fighting by his side and jokingly flirt from time to time. (their bond also seems stronger,but that's a topic for another day.)

I believe this portrayal of her is one of the best we've gotten in the sense that she represents a good mix of most things that has made her positively memorable since the beginning and lacks every problematic aspect of her character that was added post her creation. And because of this good mix of characteristics, IDW Amy is constantly praised by the fandom. But something i hear a lot is people saying how they love IDW Amy and despise "Main Amy" -by which i'll assume they refer to videogame Amy just in general- and that way of summarizing all of Amy's game portrayals feels very odd to me, especially because IDW Amy is a culmination of every single good aspect that has been added to this character combined with most of what she was meant to be at the start. In other words,IDW Amy couldn't exist if it wasn't for all the game Amys before her.

It's true that in IDW we haven't seen her character be as impulsive and outspoken as in the Adventure era or Heroes, and i miss that as much as every other Amy fan. But I do think that ,because so much assertiveness wouldn’t coexist very well with things like careful thought, the reason for that change must be that IDW is writing an more mature version of the character and It’s hard for them to keep such aspects of her personality intact without her being seen as childish by the audience now that they are paired up with big responsabilities (ex: the restoration) Especially since that super impulsive nature of hers probably came naturally at the time because she was supposed to be a 12-year old and wether we like it or not, it was implied by the narrative that it was one of the main reasons she got caught by eggman both in SA1 and SA2. Aka,IDW Amy isn't allowed to make as many mistakes as the og.

After all ,Amy used to be written to be mostly seen as a comedic character and as an "extra addition" to the main team rather than as an important,needed member of it. ( even in Heroes,where she had formed her own team,she was still trying to catch up to Sonic and his team because she had been excluded of it.) If she made a mistake and got caught by eggman because of her stubborness,the writers would just make Sonix fix things. In IDW she doesn't just feel older,but she has also gotten to have important roles in the fight against Eggman and people rely on her with their lives,so it doesn't surprise me that the writers try to make her be more conscious and careful when it comes to her actions now that she has more responsibilities and can't allow herself to make as many mistakes as she did back when she was written to be more immature and impulsive because of that extreme assertiveness.

Now,I personally believe that Amy in TMoSTH is the same as in IDW, just that she feels more like her OG self in TMOSTH because ,for the most part ,Bday Girl is on that train literally to just have fun and do as she pleases. She doesn't have any weight on her shoulders nor expectations,she is free of responsabilities all the way until the climax of the game and the game itself is very comedy-centric for the most part, so the writers pobably felt like they could set that impulsive,assertive side of her loose again, and i loved it!

In this game her character doesn't revolve around Sonic and she messes up a lot (The way she was so ashamed of how she broke her hammer when she tried to escape the closet with brute force that she lied, how she didn't realize Sonic was actually hurt because she was too excited about the game, how she was overconfident and impulsively tried to solve the case and completely failed ,how she and vector started beating a wall violently after realizing the train was alive,etc),but her positive qualities shine throughout the game as well ( How she took the time to organize a party that she'd think everyone would have fun at,How she is so thankful that everyone showed up and doesn't mind that Shad and Sonic didn't bring gifts, how she makes sweets remarks about others and cute jokes in distressing situations,how she has faith in Shadow's goodwill, The way she delivers the final blow at the end and says that despite everything,she loved the party because it was an adventure,etc ). Throughout the game,Sonic and the rest treat her in a way that really goes to show what a good friend and a lovely person she is ,and she expresses great appreciation for everyone's presence in her life.

It's honestly an amazing coincidence that this game takes place on her bday considering that it's the one that made this portrayal of her "game canon". As a fan of her, i celebrate it and hope we get more of it in the near future.

So yeah, i didn't talk about Sonic X Amy,Archie Amy nor all the comics,series and games that came out between the big videogame titles. There is much more about how Amy has been written that could be said, but i think i did a pretty decent summary of the most important changes her character has gone through the years mainline game-wise,at least good enough to defend my point that she wasn't a stalker originally and she definitely isn't one now. As i mentioned before,i agree that she was portrayed as possesive and obsessive for a long period of time and as an actual harasser for a shorter one , and that we should definitely recognize it and be critical of such things being portrayed as “quirky” and “funny” aspects when they are in reality, hurtful. BUT summarizing her whole character by calling her a stalker and an obsessive fangirl is defining her based on the worst examples of her characterization and ignoring her good ones completely.

Feel free to disagree with my character analysis,my opinions and the way i categorize her portrayals,but i strongly believe that Amy rose isn't meant to be a harasser,an obsessive fangirl or personal space invader.

My girl deserves better.

#also don't get me wrong i love battle #is just that Amy is really hard to like in that game #props to her for carrying weights for half of it tho we stan a strong pink rat #if you actually read this whole thing props to you #also thanks anon for giving me an excuse to talk about amy #amy rose #sonic spoilers #character analysis

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spacebarbarianweird · 5 months

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Astarion with Bard!Tav headcanons, pls?

I have a soft spot for Bards. Once, a gender fluid bard who plays the same campaign as I do, scared a creep away and we never saw him again.

Thanks @thedomesticanthropologist for the dialogue. With her permission, I copied it here since it fits the mood of these two gremlins .

Check out her blog, it's amazing!

Hope you will enjoy these headcanons!

Masterlist

Headcanons

Astarion x Bard!Tav

Astarion is ready for everything when he meets you, but not for the fact you are the most unhinged person the Sword's Coast has seen.

The sworn enemy of many nobles whom you have offended in your songs.

Thrown up from numerous adventure parties for your horniness and a specific type of humor.

if you aren't beaten by someone's spouse for sleeping with a married person, you consider it a bad week.

All the Astarion's flattery? It falls flat!

There is nothing original in what he says. Nothing really interesting in his sweet words!

You could flirt better when you're five.

But you are curious.

Why is he using such cliche pick-up lines on you? Why is he so eager to do it? It's obvious he has no communication skills whatsoever! And hee sounds like a character from an erotic novel.

You are a professional, after all. If you wanted to seduce him, you would have sex the first two hours you two met.

So... you are waiting.

In the meantime, Astarion starts opening up. The real him is so much different from the 'seducer one". He sounds even innocent.

He finally invites you for a night of passion and, at this moment, you can't hold yourself anymore.

"I've been waiting… waiting since the moment we met…"

"So knives to the throat are flirting to you?"

"... I do recall saying it was a darling of a throat or some such, but- it's a line, it's not- you're not supposed to be really listening-"

"So I'm just supposed to be so distracted by your shirtlessness that you can say anything and I'll fall into your arms?"

"Listen, if I wanted to spend the night talking…"

"Couldn't you even bring a blanket? Give me the address of the person who taught you all this boring shit, and I will put my lute up to his arse! Gods!"

The date night is awkward.

You even don't have sex. You talk.

And you play your lute, singing some of the most offensive and inappropriate songs you know.

Astarion allows himself to relax.

He has never felt so safe with anyone. You can laugh all his fears away!

Vampire lords, tortures, violence. It all sounds … hilarious, not scary.

By the morning, you fall asleep. Astarion puts off his shirt to bathe in the sunlight.

When you wake up, you curse out loud.

"What is the fuck is this on your back??"

He explains and you take your lute to play one of the bard healing spells.

It wouldn't help of course, but you soothe his pain a bit.

You use the spells to cast away nightmares. And you also play music to help him meditate and avoid re-visiting bad memories.

Together, you form a murderous couple. There is nothing worse than a bard and rogue.

And you boost his self-esteem. He is afraid of Cazador, he is scared of him. But you -

You compose the most catchy and offensive songs about him.

They are pretty good, by the way, and some bards, including Volo, add them to their repertoires.

At first, it causes some anxiety to Astarion as if he can be punished for your actions.

But soon his fears start fading.

If it's funny, it's not scary.

Together, you defeat Cazador - and you've polished your vicious mockery!

When Astarion is finally okay with intimacy, you have a wild graveyard date which ends up with you two being arrested for disorderly conduct.

Post-game your destiny is decided. You are a traveling bard, after all.

You travel throughout Swords' Coast - singing songs and robbing your audience.

Tag list

@tugoslovenka @marcynomercy @wintersire @vixstarria @not-so-lost-after-all @ashiro20 @theearthsfinalconfession @herstxrgirl @starlight-ipomoea @micropoe10 @astarion-imagine-archive @veillsar @elora-the-slutty-songstress @fayeriess @lumienyx @astarion-beloved @tallymonster @caitlincat-95 @tragedybunny @valeprati

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frozenwolftemplar · 6 months

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Somehow, the Carmen Sandiego brainrot has taken hold even though I haven't watched an episode in months (no idea how that happened). So, how's about some headcanons? (feel free to play with any or all if they strike your fancy)

-- Carmen's room in headquarters has two wall clocks, one set to San Diego time and one to Ontario because

-- Player has a veritable army of cousins. Carmen never got a straight number because just when she thinks she's got them down, he'll offhandedly mention someone having a baby or something; quite honestly, he can't keep track either.

-- Carmen is nearly hopeless with numbers. Time zones, exchange rates, converting to imperial units when she's in the U.S., she never got the hang of any of it and has learned to just consult Player.

-- "Okay, that guy at the front desk said I'm ten miles from the Grand Canyon. How many-" "Sixteen, Red. Keep an eye out, it's easy to miss." "Very funny."

-- It drove the Faculty absolutely nuts that their 'golden opportunity' is math-stupid; they chalked it up to something she got from her mother's side.

-- It's not. Dexter Wolfe was just *that* good at hiding his dyscalculia.

-- The one math-y thing she can do is card counting, a key component of being an incorrigible cheat at board/card games. Because she will cheat at anything and everything.

-- Seriously, one time Zach and Ivy found an old Candyland game (just lying around the warehouse, don't ask) and Carmen, who had never seen the game in her life, positively trounced them.

-- They just *know* she has to be cheating but can't prove it.

-- Ivy, bewildered, to Carmen's cat-that-got-the-canary face: "How does someone cheat at Candyland?!?" She's just that good.

-- Whenever Shadowsan plays her in cards, it takes all of two minutes for the game to devolve from 'whatever they were supposed to be playing' to 'who's better at sleight of hand.' Not that he condones cheating, mind, but if Carmen's going to, well, he's not just going to let her get away with that.

-- Carmen as a kid was a very picky eater (her adventurous spirit not extending to the culinary world); the Faculty was as helpful as you'd expect.

-- "Dammit, Saira, I told you to quit trying to feed her that rice!" "Well I need someone to taste test-" (absolutely no sense of taste on Saira; lab accident, we don't talk about it) "-and you certainly haven't volunteered. Besides, this newest formula is fortified with three essential vitamins and minerals (at least, I think they're essential), which is more than those sweets you keep plying her with." "At least she eats those!"

-- Ivy and Zach are high school dropouts, figuring they could get ahead better with racing than with academics. As part of joining ACME they get their GED's (since they require *at least* a high school diploma) and the whole team (plus Chase and Julia) help out and are so proud when they pass.

-- The first thing Carmen always does in the morning, something that doesn't change post-series, is call Player. It's also the last thing she does before turning in at night. She can't imagine being any other way, and neither can he. (crud, they're just the bestest friends, I love them so much)

#carmen sandiego 2019 #carmen sandiego #player #fic reference #some of these i do plan on using in fics #shadowsan #ivy #zach #vile faculty #carmen sandiego fanfic #carmen fic

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macabresymphonies · 8 months

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Fiona and Cake's first two episodes just cemented me in my opinon that we NEED more Teen/YA animation.

For most of 2000s/2010s the series has a choice of being either limited by a low age rating, which in turn can affect how they develop and resolve more mature topics or to become the "adult cartoon" edgefest where everything has to be vulgar becase "it's funny you know?". Both of these scenarios forced showrunners to trick producers with their original pitches (Steven Universe is "fun adventures with superhero women", Adventure Time is "lol random humour, don't kids love it?", Bojack Horseman is "a horse, but he drinks and is depressed, hilarious!") while sneaking in their more mature/serious idea through. I'm not saying these shows can't actively be both, because they can, but to me the sweet spot is truthly the Teen/YA rating, since it doesn't force them to go either direction.

Seeing Fionna and Cake show just BE was really refreshing to me. Real life adult issues; LGBT and queer identities being shown without worrying somone will clutch their pearls; blood, depression and mundane issues neither being "implied" or being butt of the joke, just existing and getting resolved at their own pace. It's not vulgar, but it's not exactly pure; not super dark, but also not cheery and "turn your brains off" fun. Just nuanced, perfect to tell, well, more nuanced stories.

This also takes away from fans pressuring the shows into molds they don't fit in. I've seen so many people "expect this kids show to be more serious with it's plot" when it was literally a TV-G/TV-PG show that's just supposed to be fun without delving into some dark, deeper meaning. Even people complaining Rick and Morty fell off since it does not resolve it's "grander plot" without taking into consideration that it might just want to focus on the jokes and vulgarity and grander plots were part of a extended joke.

Maybe it's my eastern european sensibilities where to me if there isn't actual porn or graphic murder on screen then it's considered "TV-G", but I think having more cartoon shows fall into that sweet TV-14 category is good, actually.

(Episode promo art at the top by writer and storyboard artist Hanna K. Nyström)

#fionna and cake #fionna campbell #simon petrikov #adventure time #cartoons #adult cartoons #fionna and cake series

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arashrita · 2 months

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If you want angst I have one with a happy ending so.

In this the mc is depress because it seems like everyone forgotten their birthday and they didn't get an interview, a gift from a student or even gotten the dorm decorated, which leads her sadden but doesn't say anything and the boys feels guilty on learning what happen and try to make it up, upon learning they never celebrated their birthday at all.

A/N: I'm really sorry for being this late. Hope you are doing well. It was supposed to have angst. But it turned out kinda funny. This was rushed as well .Enjoy! 💜💜💜💜

Happy Birthday Dear Prefect! (F! Reader)

When you first found yourself in Twisted Wonderland, you didn't know what to do with that piece of information or yourself. All you wanted was to go back to your world and end the adventure that was forced upon you. Since then, a lot of time has passed. You made some friends for life, who really feel like a new family at times– yeah, minus the disastrous parts.

Maybe that's why when everyone forgot your birthday it stung. But you weren't going to make a fuss over that. You ate your lunch quietly as Ace and Deuce bickered like always. These days, Jack, Epel and even Sebek joins you guys at times. In a nutshell, not a day goes by without the boys being chaotic.

It was Ace who noticed the sad look on your face.

"Hey (Y/N), why the long face?"

Everyone quieted down fast after that and suddenly you were the center of their attention.

"Are you feeling unwell (Y/N)?"

Deuce asked in worry.

"No, guys, it's nothing, don't worry."

You replied.

"Then... wait... I feel like we are forgetting something important here!"

Deuce frowned.

"Huh... Wait, no, I just remembered... Prefect, isn't today your birthday?"

You sucked in a breath and the gears in their seemed to turn.

"OMG! I'm so sorry!"

"Myahhhh— hench-human, it's your birthday?!"

"There's no time to be sorry, Loosey-Deucey. We gotta decorate ramshackle and invite everyone and give our gifts— we have no time to waste!!!"

Ace was clearly panicking. You couldn't even get a word out. Suddenly, Deuce got up from his seat and yelled

"ATTENTION EVERYBODY! IT'S OUR PREFECT'S BIRTHDAY. ALL OF YOU ARE INVITED!!!"

He ignored the bewildered looks, the others shot at him and sat back down.

"No need for invitation cards anymore."

Later, after all of you were done with school, Ace and Deuce took it upon themselves to decorate the whole dorm.

"Guys, it's fine really—

"No, it's not fine!!"

"Myahhhh, what do we do with this balloons?!"

"You kids need a hand?"

You were startled by the new voice. You looked around and saw Jack, Ruggie and Leona standing there. When did they even come in? Who even left the door open?

"Huh, you will never get done with anything this way. Let the experienced step in."

Leona smirked and the others snickered.

"Do I get to have a say in this?"

"Nope, herbivore."

Ruggie was cleaning the table when a thought struck him.

"Wait, it's a birthday party. So, what about the birthday cake?"

"Trey said he will bring one, don't worry!"

Ace answered.

"Well, well, well. Everyone is worried about the decoration? What about the prefect? You wound me folks."

It was Vil. Wait... Vil?

"I told them to come (Y/N)!!"

Epel smiled at you.

"How can we not attend mon trickster's birthday?"

Rook chimed in.

"Come with me, sweet potato. Let's prepare you."

You could only nod as Vil dragged you upstairs. You could no longer understand what was going on. From no one remembering your birthday to suddenly the chaos— you couldn't wrap your head around it.

By the time Vil finished, you could hear so many voices from downstairs.

"There you go, my princess. You look absolutely stunning tonight. Tonight, may all eyes turn to look at you in wonder."

He kissed your forehead softly before stepping away.

"Thank you... Vil."

You were truly grateful. You couldn't help but smile brightly.

"Let's go now."

With that, the two of you headed downstairs.

"Hello, guys!"

All heads turned to look at you and you were surprised to see so many familiar people. Even Idia and Malleus were there!

"Oh my God! You look absolutely gorgeous!!"

"Y-you look cool, prefect."

"Oh my, our prefect looks so fine tonight."

"You are as beautiful as ever, child of man."

"You look ethreal, dear."

Endless compliments flied your way. All of your friends were there and you couldn't be happier.

"How about we cut the cake now?"

Trey chuckled.

"Yes!"

You cut the cake and the other chanted happy birthday. The way you felt couldn't be expressed with words. After the cake was cut and shared with everyone, the guys wished you again and gave you their gifts. Then, suddenly

"Wait, everyone. It's our prefect's birthday. She needs to give us a speech!"

Cater spoke up.

"Guys, I—

"No! Cater is right!"

"Say something for us (Y/N)!"

"Please!"

"No need to be afraid!"

"(Y/N), (Y/N), (Y/N)!!!!"

Well, you couldn't say no anymore. The way they were looking at you, it made you feel so warm and fuzzy inside.

"Alright! Alright, everyone! I will!"

Ortho handed a microphone to you as people started to quiet down.

"First of all, I would love to thank everyone who came here to celebrate my birthday. I will especially thank my best friends Ace, Deuce and Grim. Leona, thank you for stepping up to help us. Trey, thank you for making me this beautiful cake. Vil, thank you so much for helping me dress up. Azul, Jamil, thank you for helping out with the food. All the others— Jack, Epel, Riddle, Cater, Idia, Ortho, Ruggie, Jade, Floyd, Rook, Kalim, Silver, Sebek, Lilia and Malleus! Thank you, all of you! When I first found myself in Twisted Wonderland, all I wanted to do was go back. But, because all of you, I found great friends— a big family here. Yes, there are bad times, but with you guys by my side, I don't care. With you all, I want to continue my journey here. With you guys... I know I will never be alone...I know, everything will be fine..."

As people clapped and cheered, you knew everything will turn out well despite a bunch of problems you might face.

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beanghostprincess · 3 months

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The Strawhats go to Syrup Village when their adventure ends because they want to say hi and thank everyone they've met along the way. Luffy misses his old friends! And Usopp, of course, wants to see the Usopp pirates and... And Kaya. Kaya, mostly. They were dating before Usopp joined the crew and when Usopp started having feelings for Sanji, he sent a letter to her asking if she was fine with that being a thing. And of course, she said yes, because Sanji seemed like such a nice gentleman and if he made Usopp happy then she was happy too. But he hadn't taken into consideration how nervous Sanji would be meeting her. Which, you know, understandable. Meeting your boyfriend's girlfriend. Something totally, uh, normal for Sanji's little mind who had to have a whole crisis for two years about his sexuality and relationships. But you know, it's okay, because it's Kaya. So everything will be fine.

And it surprisingly goes great! Well, surprisingly for Sanji. Usopp knew it would be okay! Obviously!

They encounter the kids first, and they're- They're older and it makes Usopp feel old too. Because what the hell. They're taller and they look almost like teenagers and it's making his heart melt. God, he has missed them so much. They go running to him and asking questions and hugging him and Usopp doesn't think he can take this much happiness, really. He keeps bragging about his cool, awesome, powerful crew and bounty and says that he'll tell them all their adventures later. Piiman directly asks "So, which one of them is your boyfriend?!" and Usopp freezes because "How do you know I have a-" and Tamanegi jumps in like, "Kaya told us!" and Usopp obviously can't be surprised at that. Or mad. He wrote the letters for the kids too, after all. So while the crew waits there watching it all happen, Usopp tells Sanji to come with him and meet the three idiots he had for a crew. And Sanji knows them, of course. He takes a drag of his cigarette, stares at them, and instantly goes "Ninjin, Piiman, Tamanegi" pointing at all of them correctly. They're astonished, but before they can say anything, Sanji squints his eyes at them "I remember because you look like vegetables-" / (Usopp): Ooookay, Sanji, babe, enough!" And he changes the subject to ask if Kaya is home right now. The kids say yes. Yadda yadda yadda, and they start walking to her house. (On their way to Kaya's, btw: "If I cook tonight we're not having vegetables, I would feel bad-"/ "Sanji!" / "C'mon, it's funny- They're cute, I swear. Like cute little potatoes-" / "Do you want me to punch you?" / "If we have children, do you think they'd look more like a radish or a cauliflow- / "Dumbass. And those are the only children we're having for a while. Get used to them." / "Wait, I was joking! Do you- You want children? With me? I-" / "Sanji, please, not today.")

So they get to Kaya's and... And Sanji is excited. Nervous. But excited. Nami won't stop teasing Usopp about it, too. And he's not worried. He's okay. He's not anxious. Everything's gonna be okay and she will love the person he has become. Definitely. Nothing to worry about. But he's visibly shaking, and he didn't expect Sanji to be the one holding his hand to calm him down, but it happens. And he couldn't be happier.

So, of course, Luffy can't be fucking quiet and starts knocking on the door and yelling for Kaya to come to greet them. Even if it was supposed to be a surprise. And Nami says "Gosh, Luffy, calm down! She can hear you. Everyone can hear you, actually. Shut up and wait for-" but she can't finish her sentence because Merry is already there with the biggest of smiles, opening the door for them. Usopp just says a soft "Hi!" while Luffy wastes no time in going in.

Nami: Luffy! Wait for a damn second! Merry: Oh, well, not that we can control the King of the Pirates, can we? Nami: You don't need to tell me. Franky: You look like Merry. Merry: ... I am Merry? Franky: No, I mean the ship- Usopp: Franky, we've explained this to you. Franky: Not the part where the butler looks exactly like the ship, though? Usopp: Oh. True. Well. There you have it.

Everything happens a bit quickly. Kaya is walking down the stairs when they're walking in, and the second she sees Usopp she just has to hug him tight. Sanji steps away because, well, he doesn't want to get in between their reunion. And everyone thinks he's jealous or weird about it, but it only takes a moment to realize he's staring at them with the fondest of looks in his eyes. She's the most beautiful girl he's ever seen (apart from Nami and Robin, of course. But it's another type of beauty) and there's just this glimpse in his eyes nobody can actually describe.

Usopp and Kaya kiss and he starts to feel a bit dizzy because- Wow. Remembering her kisses is just as overwhelming as he thought it'd be. She's precious. He says they'll tell her all about their adventures. That he has truly become somebody she can be proud of. She says she has always been proud of him, and Usopp dies a little bit with that. When she's done staring at him, she tilts her head to the side saying hi to everyone else and she spots Sanji, hands on each side of him and bouncing his right leg. She lets go of Usopp to approach Sanji and grab his hands, and with a soft, tender smile, she says "I'm so glad you've been looking out for him. I've heard so many great things about you, Sanji! I truly hope we get to know each other better" and Sanji dies. Sanji instantly dies. Not from a nosebleed but a heart attack, probably. He's speechless for a whole second and nobody says anything. Because this sweet girl just said this in front of everyone and let's be honest, everybody is wondering how the fuck Sanji and Usopp are the ones with enough rizz to pull this wonderful girl. Anyway- I can imagine Jinbe laughing and saying "Usopp! You have a type!" and he's being genuine and sweet but it's so fucking embarrassing the sniper just wants to curl up and die.

Luffy, Nami, and Zoro see Kaya again and it's so, so sweet to see her being a doctor just like she wanted. She's healthy. She's adorable, like always. And she welcomes them into her house gladly. Kaya says hi to the rest and she. Absolutely. Adores. Chopper. That's probably the cutest doctor she's ever seen, and also the smartest! If Usopp and Sanji didn't need to talk with her, she'd probably spend the day talking to Chopper. She also gets along with the older members of the crew! They're all just so nice to her <3 Robin comments about how Usopp and Sanji have been talking a lot about her and Kaya giggles but it makes Usopp want to run away to a private place as quickly as he can. If Robin is the one talking about this, this means they will all keep the embarrassing conversation going and he can't have that.

They decide to stay for dinner, the way they had planned because Sanji is dying to cook for her and they just knew Kaya wouldn't let them go without having dinner with her. Besides, they've been staying for a while in every island so that they can enjoy their time with each person and decide what they want to do next. If they want to, you know, stay with the crew or choose to keep going with their lives outside of being a pirate (everyone chill, they're staying together. At least for a long while until they're old. Because otherwise, I will cry). So, Sanji cooks while the crew waits around the house. Talking to Merry and Kaya and wow!! The kids are staying too!! Awesome!! Usopp is in the kitchen with Sanji because he just needs a second to calm down. It's too much. In a good way! But god, he needs a second.

Usopp helps Sanji with a few things while they talk about everything and nothing. A kiss here and there. And then, Usopp is suddenly a bit uncomfortable about what he's about to say. "What do you think about, um, Kaya?" / "Are you really asking me that?" / "Yeah! Why wouldn't I? Maybe you don't- Fuck. I don't know. Maybe now that you've seen us together you don't want-" / "I want to, Usopp. More than anything." / "Really?" / "Yeah. She- She makes you happy. She even makes me happy and I just met her. And- I don't know. I guess she just looks a lot like my-"

But then the kitchen door opens quickly and it's closed just as fast, because Kaya is there, resting her back against the wall and smiling shyly at them both.

Kaya: Hi! Hi. I- Am I interrupting or-? Sanji/Usopp: No! Kaya: Oh! Oh, okay! I just thought It'd be nice for us to be together for a while? Alone? Usopp: ...... Luffy is being- Kaya: Nami? Usopp: Oh, fuck, yes, makes more sense. Sanji: Nami-san can be a bit assertive sometimes, but it's alright. Kaya: So it's okay if I stay? Usopp: Kaya, it's your kitchen- Sanji: Of course, madame. You're gonna be the first one to taste our dinner, then. I need opinions. Kaya: Oh, I'm not a cook. But I am sure your food is excellent! Sanji: Indulge me, please? Eat whatever you like. Usopp, whispering: Why are you being more romantic than me? She's my girlfriend. Sanji: And I am your boyfriend. She's, like, my girlfriend too, now. Usopp: Does that work like that? Sanji: Uh, not sure? Kind of? Usopp: ... As long as you two are happy. Sanji: You should eat too, by the way, mon amour. I am being serious when I say I want feedback.

They end up spending a long while together making dinner. While Usopp tells her about their adventures, she tells her about her life without him and her studies. How much she has been trying to help the village, too, and how the kids have been doing. Sanji asks them their opinions on the food. Asks them for help, too, if needed. And everything ends up being so domestic and nice that Usopp is surprised Kaya and Sanji just met. They're so in sync and they look so pretty together they even look like a couple already. Usopp thought he'd end up feeling left out (because he always does) but there's just something about them being together that makes his heart melt.

Skipping the dinner part, because it's just all of them having fun as usual and besides a few cute glances and blushes and compliments, there isn't anything remarkable about Sanusokaya here. They end up in Kaya's room after dinner, while the other crew members go do whatever. They have designated rooms and beds (the place is a fucking mansion, and there's room for everyone).

The thing is, they go to Kaya's room to talk about... Them. They don't know where to begin, so Usopp breaks the silence by telling Kaya about how he met Sanji. Things she already knows from letters, but she hasn't actively heard. And it's obviously more entertaining this way. So Sanji and Kaya sit on her bed while Usopp talks. And one thing leads to another and he's also explaining Skypiea. And Water 7. And when he gets to Dressrosa, something they had already talked about during dinner, Sanji decides to explain what happened back in Whole Cake Island. He didn't have this in mind. Opening up so much, he means. But there's just something about Kaya that makes him want to keep talking. So he explains a bit (not everything, of course) about his past. And she's so, so sweet about it. Holds his hand all the time. Rests her cheek on his shoulder. Usopp kisses both of their foreheads. And that's when Sanji stares at Kaya and says:

Sanji: You know? You remind me a lot of her. My mother, I mean. Kaya: Do I? The way you talk to her is so wonderfu- Sanji: You are wonderful. Kaya: Oh- Usopp: Sanji, you can't say that to her! That's my job. You're wonderful, babe. Kaya: Thanks, darling. I just- I was thinking that it could... If you are okay with it. Maybe I'm overstepping. That it could also be his job? God, I am explaining this awfully. I am a doctor, not a writer- Usopp: He would love to be your boyfriend. Sanji: Don't answer for me! Usopp: Weren't you going to say yes? Sanji: In a more romantic way, yes. Of course. Kaya: Really?! Usopp: I think he likes you more than he likes me- Sanji: Idiot. Don't ever say things like that. He's always so- Kaya: No, yes, you have to force the love into his head, huh? Sanji: Exactly! Usopp: Don't get too excited, Kay. He's just like that too. You say something good about him and he starts sobbing.

Long story short, they sleep together in Kaya's room, all tangled up and cuddling because they're the cutest, most adorable couple in the world. They stay for a while in the Village and spend some days together, growing closer and clingier every day. And sadly they have to say goodbye because they want to keep going with their journey (they have stuff to do. They tried to bring Kaya along, but she's the doctor of the village. She can't leave them alone) but she knows they'll come back to her. She trusts them to

#THE SANUSOKAYA WORMS ARE EATING MY BRAIN #THEY'RE JUST SO DAMN SWEET #I THINK THEY SHOULD HOLD HANDS AND KISS #kjwefnjkfnewnfjkewnklfewn they make me go insane #i was just thinking wow kaya is so much like sora and i died a little #the first time sanji and kaya kiss usopp faints i think he'd faint #tooth rotting fluff but it's literally giving me diabetes #one piece #black leg sanji #usopp #sanuso #kaya one piece #usokaya #sanusokaya

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lewiscarrolatemybrain · 3 months

Text

Y’know what I REALLY want

Time-travel Luffy-Raises-ASL-Fic where Ace still joins the Whitebeard Pirates. He isn’t motivated by wanting to surpass Roger anymore, but being a great pirate is still his dream, so their interactions start the same as in canon, with Ace attacking Whitebeard and Whitebeard offering to adopt him.

However, this time, the reason Ace freaks out and refuses isn’t because of his daddy issues or because he thinks Whitebeard will never accept the son of his enemy. It’s because Ace already has a dad. The best dad! Fuck you, old man, Ace doesn’t need another dad!

I imagine a better-adjusted Ace would end up charming the Whitebeards even faster than he did in-canon, with them doing stuff like patching him up post-failed-assassination-attempt and giving him meals like in canon, but with him thawing much faster and forgetting he’s supposed to be an enemy to these people because this time his childhood was full of friends and little brothers and adventure and joy, so he’s cracking jokes and having conversations and then remembering he’s Here On A Mission and shutting down again. And this means that they probably wear him down faster too, cause Ace was raised to see the value of family and these guys have it in spades (ha!).

Which all means that eventually, one day, instead of making the expected attempt on Whitebeard’s life, Ace instead asks if they’ve got a Den Den he could borrow.

Ace calls his dad, of course, and is already listing his million and one excuses for why he can’t join this crew and how this is so dumb and he just wanted to check in cause he hasn’t done that in a while and he knows his dad worries—

And I imagine a more mature, grown-up Luffy who remembers his brother being so very starved for love would have a lot to say about how lots of people have two fathers and he could never be upset or offended by the idea that more people might want to love and protect and support Ace, but what I really want is for him to say all that and then go “actually, put Whitebeard on the phone. Yes, really. Right now.”

So Ace has to shuffle awkwardly out on deck to hand over the Den Den like “my dad………. Wants to talk to you.”

And of course this is too funny to make private, so Whitebeard is right there on deck on speaker while all of his nosy children drop what they’re doing to crowd around and listen to this while Ace’s dad is like “Hi! I hear we’re splitting custody.”

I imagine this would be kinda weird for Whitebeard too honestly. Most of his children are orphans or come from troubled backgrounds. He’s never adopted someone who already had loving parents waiting for them back home, but here he is, chatting with this man who does not seem the least bit intimidated by speaking to Captain Whitebeard Himself.

Newgate immediately decides he likes this guy, of course, and they strike up an immediate friendship, of course. And then months later on some island when someone overhears Whitebeard affectionately mention his “co-parent” and jumps to conclusions and spreads the news about Whitebeard’s Secret Lover, the two team to do their solemn fatherly duty of antagonizing the shit out of their poor kids by Not Correcting The Rumor.

#one piece #monkey d. luffy #portgas d ace #edward newgate #whitebeard pirates #time travel

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mlmmetalhead · 2 years

Text

Steve Harrington with a boyfriend headcanons

Male reader.

I remember being annoyed by Steve in the first season and look where I am now.

Writing this while almost dying from the amount of cold milk I drank.

It was really hard for him to comprehend and accept his feelings towards a guy.

Your relationship started as really close, if not best friends.

I don't think he'd be able to accept his feelings towards a guy, unless they knew each other really well.

Really oblivious as well.

So even if you thought you were dropping obvious hints, they all went right over his head.

Cut him some slack, I don't think he ever even thought about a same-sex relationship.

When he started feeling funny about his friend, immediately rushed to Robin for advice.

If I'm being honest, she probably caught onto your attempts almost immediately after they started, so she was pleasantly relieved when Steve's braincells finally worked, as they do once in a while.

She pretended to hear about this for the first time, gave him some of the most obvious pieces of advice and called it a day.

Probably ended up embarrassing himself, because he thought you were supposed to come up with a different strategy to score a guy.

He tried, but ended up just turning back to his god awful pickup lines, just a little... Different.

"When I'm around you I can't think straight."

"... Are you okay?"

"I don't need a spoonful of sugar to swallow you."

"What the fuck-"

You end up just asking him out yourself, since every single one attemt of his fails miserably.

So happy it's unbelievable.

Literally jumping in his place with fists clenched.

Goes home and just runs around his bedroom until he gets tired.

Since it's still the 80s, you two can't have public dates and expression of PDA, which is why every single one of your dates is "just hanging out with a friend".

It takes time since he's fully used to call you his boyfriend, but he's really exited he can actually do that.

Will try so hard to set up a perfect date, but it'll all crumble down somehow in the end.

Truth to be told, it's his favourite kind of dates, memory wise.

There's a lot more to remember from a date that went wrong, then from a quiet, nice one.

Not to mention how much he likes it when you console and reassure him, he feels so much better in your arms.

Again, mostly because he isn't used to not needing to be seen as a "leader" of the relationship, it'll be really hard for Steve to ask for praise and reassurance when he needs it, and he needs a lot.

You might have to make the first move here, again.

A lot of work is required from you in this relationship, actually. Because Steve for the love of god, will not speak up about his problems himself.

Not at first, anyway.

But when you notice he's been off, when you ask him, and make him feel better, even if it's just something as simple as a cuddle session, he'll melt. Almost physically, he just loves you so much.

On to the more general stuff,

Sometimes, you just happened to tag along on Steve's and his kid's crew adventures.

Then, "sometimes" becomes "every time", and then, whenever you aren't there, someone always goes "Call Y/N!"

Were you asking for this? Hell no.

Are you complaining? Not really.

Every time this happens, Steve is going to apologize profusely every chance he gets, because he genuinely feels like you don't want to be there.

"Y/N, I'm so, so sorry, really, you can go the next chance you get, I promise it's okay no one's going to-"

"It's alright, babe, I'm not complaining."

"No, but you actually can go home, I promise I won't be-"

"I said it's okay, Steve, I am okay with this."

But this comes mostly from how much he cares for you, and doesn't want you hurt because of, what he feels like, is his responsibility.

Again, I somehow always end up with discussing serious matters.

I don't know where to put this hc but here, but he adores cats. Loves 'em.

If you have a cat, will not leave it alone whenever he comes over. He'll talk to it in a baby voice while cradling it like a child.

If you don't, you'll sometimes hear something along those lines:

"Y/N, can you move in with me and adopt a cat? Please?"

"Why can't you just adopt a cat on your own?"

"Because then it'll be your cat! Y'know, a special one."

If you're on a date and Steve spots a cat walking around, y'all are not leaving the location, until the cat will get fed up with his antics.

If you'll visit him while he's working shift at Scoops, will refuse to leave the counter even after you've made you order, staring at you with practical hearteyes, making it painfully obvious to everyone in the cafe.

He likes getting you little things.

Can get you a literal piece of junk he found somewhere at the mall, and will say:

"This reminded me of you."

With the most loving expression ever.

And you won't be able to reject it, goddamnit.

Overall, he's a lovesick dummy, take care of him, even if he wants to seem as the one in control, he really just needs a hug.

#x male reader #x reader #stranger things #steve harrington x reader #steve harrington x male reader #steve harrington #stranger things x reader #stranger things x male reader #🍷 mlmmetalhead

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darkficsyouneveraskedfor · 1 year

Text

Unexpected 3

Sequel to Unsolicited

Warnings: non/dubcon, pregnancy, Lloyd being the worst, and other dark elements.

My warnings are not exhaustive but be aware this is a dark fic and may include potentially triggering topics. Please use your common sense when consuming content. I am not responsible for your decisions.

As usual, I would appreciate any and all feedback. I’m happy to once more go on this adventure with all of you! Thank you in advance for your comments and for reblogging.

The list of what you can do is shorter than those things barred from you. The doctor merely confirmed your deepest fears and sealed Lloyd’s sentence. A baby. A whole other life and you’re supposed to be responsible for it. You know for a fact he won’t be, at least, not beyond tossing money at the situation.

Your arm is tender from the implant removal. The procedure was emblematic of your state. The excision of part of yourself, the last remnant of your old self. You mourn the loss quietly, keeping your face blank as you pretend to read the literature shoveled into your hands by the nurse before your departure.

Lloyd is gleeful, he can’t hide his joy but you are not deluded. It’s not some wholesome delight at bringing a new life into the world, no, it’s celebrating the life he’s ruined. Yours. A child is the brand that marks your ownership.

As you enter his house, it feels bleak. The pristine white and gold aesthetic is dingy and beige to your eyes. The world is grimmer, constricted. Your leash is tight and cannot reach beyond these walls.

A sudden smack across your ass jolts you from your melancholic trance. Lloyd takes a pamphlet from the pile clutched in your hands and unfolds it. He gives it a once over and hands it back.

“I got a treadmill in the gym. You should hop on that every once in a while. Stuff says you need to stay active,” he shrugs, “wouldn’t mind a workout buddy.”

You squint at him. There it is. All those times Colin gently tried to goad you. ‘There’s a special at the gym’, ‘let’s make a new years resolution’,’ it wouldn’t be a bad idea to try something new’.

“Or… I could go for walks outside,” you suggest, “get some fresh air.”

“Don’t be fucking smart,” he warns, “I’m not being a fuckhead here, I’m trying to help. Do what’s best for the baby but don’t you dare lose that fucking ass. A brisk pace, no running.”

You sigh. This man has the audacity to dictate everything around him as if the world is built just for him. In his head, maybe it is. From the looks of it, he’s never been denied anything in his life.

“So, you still don’t trust me?”

“Trust?” He clucks, “that’s a funny concept. But no. You wanna go for a walk, I’ll take you out for one like a good pet.”

You scowl and he smirks, reaching to tap the end of your nose. You wipe your face of all emotion and pull away, refocusing on the booklets in your hand.

“Decaf,” he declares, “and we should look into some vitamins. Doc says at your age–”

“I wish you hadn’t just welcomed yourself in, you know? It’s kind of… private.”

“Hey, I’m the father, I got every right to know what’s going on with my kid.”

“Mmm, sure, and what about when the kid shows up? How about diapers? Colic? Sticky hands?”

“That’s what nanny’s are for,” he wrinkles his nose, “ew, you’re– such a pessimist, baby face.”

And you're a dumbass, you keep the retort to yourself and shake your head at the next page. No coffee, no hot baths, no sushi… Sounds like a wonderful nine months.

“One thing at a time,” he nears and grasps the clutter in your hands. A brief tug-of-war as you clamp down but relent, letting him take it before it scattered, “we still got a wedding to plan.”

“Plan? I thought Vegas was easy–”

“Dresses,” he insists as he places the papers in the console table drawer, “get your coat off. We’re gonna do a little fashion show.”

“Oh, fuck off. Just gimme the one with the most last,” you huff as you unbutton your coat.

“I think we should weigh our options, baby,” he opens the closet and hangs his jacket, “so you’re gonna strut and do a pretty little spin. If your ass don’t look good, we know it’s not the one.”

“You are so romantic,” you say dryly as you add your coat to the row along the rod.

“Oh, I’m thinking the whole nine yard. Veil, flowers, something blue, something inside you–”

“Right, let’s just get this over with before I vomit,” you interrupt him.

“Ah, little baby Hansen already causing trouble.”

“No, you. You make me sick.”

He snickers and grabs your arm. He pulls you to him, his other arm looping around you. He leans in and you try to turn your face away. He catches your chin and holds you in place as he plants a sloppy kiss on your mouth.

“You think they’ll let me kiss you other lips at the altar,” he purrs as he parts, “climb up under your skirt–”

“Do you ever stop?”

“Not really,” he answers, another slap on your ass, “let’s go, peaches.”

He keeps an arm around you as he guides you away from the entryway and back to the front room where the rack of dresses waits. The golden bar has been righted and the garment bags rehung. Lloyd lets you go and strides ahead of you, pushing apart the wire hangers with a hum.

“Oh, this one is my front runner,” he turns to you and holds out a white bag, “this one first.”

You glare at him and slowly approach, taking it with hesitance.

“So, when exactly is this wedding supposed to happen because I probably won’t fit into these soon–”

“You sign?” He challenges.

You swallow and give an indecisive look to the ceiling.

“I told you I would–”

“Later,” he waves you off, “don’t spoil this.”

You barely keep from rolling your eyes. You? Spoil it? You look down at the hang and drag away the long garment bag.

“Change here,” he insists as he sits on the sofa, stretching his arms wide across the back, “behind that… whatever.”

He points to the fanned divider placed to the impractical aesthetic of whatever designer he paid to decorate. You sniff and near the wall, pulling it out to angle it around so you have some room behind it. You peek over at him as he feels his mustache and smirks at the room.

You dip behind the barrier and unzip the bag. The contents are worse than you could ever imagine. A white leather halter dress. Not your style, if you can claim to have any. You sigh and pull it out.

“What’s up, doll face?” Lloyd taunts from the other side.

“Nothing,” you lie, your tone betraying your agitation.

You undress and open the zipper as wide as it goes. You struggle to pull the tight leather sheath up your body and strain to do it up. You’re less impressed by the cut out over your cleavage and long split down the thigh. Worse, the way it stretches over your stomach makes you feel even more exposed.

“This isn’t it,” you drone, “I’m taking it off–”

“Get out here,” he speaks over you.

“Lloyd, I hate it–”

“That shit’s designer so you walk your ass out here and give me a look,” he intones, “now, sweetheart.”

You hold back another frustrated exhale and move slowly. The leather creaks loudly and you cringe. You come around the divider and march over to the sofa. You stop before him and cross your arms.

“It’s too small.”

“Fuck,” he leans forward and steeples his hands, brushing his fingers up under his chin, “you look fucking hot.”

“Don’t–”

“Your tits look huge. Like… humongous–” He makes a motion as if squeezing your chest.

You stare at him, unable to conceal your anger. Is he just saying he likes it because he knows you don’t or is he really that tacky?

“Turn,” he spins his finger in the air. You take a breath and obey. As you do, he growls and slaps his thigh. “Damn, that ass. I mean, you can’t see it but let me tell you, it looks magnificent. The kinda ass a man could dive right into.”

“Right, thanks,” you face him again with a sneer, “can I take this shit off?”

“You can hike up that skirt and give daddy a ride,” he sits back as he drags his hands up his pants and pulls his knees apart. The bulge beneath the white pants is all too obvious.

“This isn’t the dress, Lloyd. There are a dozen more–”

“I know it’s not, but you gotta fuck me in it at least once,” he picks at his fly.

You cringe and slowly bend to grab the skirt, pushing it back at the split as you get closer. He pulls his dick above his pants and strokes himself, reaching for your hip as he guides you into his lap. You get on your knees as you fight the leather around you and he rubs his tip against your entrance.

You sink down onto him and he trails his fingertips up your body. He covers your tits with his hands and squeezes, bucking below you as he groans.

“Fuck, baby, I don’t think I’m ready to share these,” he leans forward and buries his face in your cleavage, shaking his head with a lewd noise. He pulls back and tilts his head up to look at you, “I’m just fine with a formula baby.”

You push him against the couch and rock your hips. It’s the only way to shut him up. And you’ll gladly take a moment of peace before they’re gone for good.

#lloyd hansen #dark lloyd hansen #dark!lloyd hansen #lloyd hansen x reader #series #unexpected #drabble #dark drabble #dark!drabble #the gray man

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justagalwhowrites · 4 months

Text

Holly Jolly - Ch. 3: Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas

Joel and Sarah celebrate the holiday with you and Sharon. The final chapter of Holly Jolly, a modern no-outbreak TLOU fic found on Tumblr here.

Pairing: Joel Miller x Female Reader

Warnings: None really!

Length: 4.8k

AO3 | Main Master List | First Chapter | Previous Chapter

“You think this is the way to go?” Joel asked, looking at the drawing in his hand as he sat on a video call with you in the middle of a Home Depot.

“Yup,” you said, glancing back to the living room to see Sarah and Sharon deep in some adventure with Sharon’s Star Wars action figures. There were active blaster noises followed by a very dramatic sounding explosion. They were pretty occupied as you stood in the kitchen, leaning against your counter, waiting for the oven timer to ding. “I think if you go totally in this direction and just build something that’s perfect for the arbiesbay and how she plays with them, it’s even better than a reamday ousehay.”

Joel was quiet for a second.

“Did you just speak pig latin?”

“You try hiding things from the irlsgay without switching languages,” you replied.

Joel snorted.

“Alright, well, just tell me what you think of these paint colors,” he said. “You’re the one with the vision.”

Something smacked into the wall with a thud in the living room and you looked up from your phone. The shoebox the girls had been using for a space ship was across the room.

“Hey,” you said. “Let’s not throw things, OK? If we throw things that means we can’t play with them anymore.”

“But how is it supposed fly?” Sharon groaned.

“Pretend,” you said. “Not by hurling it.”

“Fine,” she huffed before getting up and getting the box, running it back across the room and bringing it in for a landing with a dramatic, explosive sound.

You laughed and sighed, looking at the mess of dolls and Legos scattered all over the floor after a few hours of the girls playing together.

“I need to get a toy box for the living room,” you said. “This is getting out of hand. Alright, let’s see the paints.”

Joel held up three samples of pink.

“Um…” you squinted at the screen. “Middle one, I think.”

“I was thinkin’ that too,” he said. “Looks closest to the box color for the arbiebay I already got her.”

“Was that pig latin?”

“Utshay upyay. What about this one?”

He held up a few purples as you giggled.

“First one,” you said. “That will play best with the first one we picked.”

“Right,” he said. “Alright, just need two more…”

He held up a few options for the white and then a few for a green.

“OK,” he said. “Think that’s everything… Thanks again for your help on this, I really don’t know what the uckfay I’m doing with this.”

You had to fight to not snort laugh at fuck in pig latin.

“Any time,” you said as the oven dinged. “And I need to go pull out gingerbread. See you soon?”

“Yup,” he said. “Just gotta check out here, pick up pizza and headed your way after.”

“Oundssay Oodgay.”

Joel laughed.

“Ebyay.”

You pulled the gingerbread out and set it aside to cool and just watched the girls playing from the living room.

Considering that you’d never met Joel and Sarah Miller before Thursday night, you were suddenly spending a lot of time with them. You and Joel had lunch together while Christmas shopping and you were surprised to learn that you got along better than you thought you would. Joel was oddly funny in a dry, clever way, every teasing moment and wry one liner feeling like an inside joke even though you’d only known each other a few days. You had the same concerns about raising girls as single parents, especially as young single parents who still felt a lot like kids yourselves. He was almost strangely insightful for a man, especially one who was damn near a perfect stranger. He seemed to understand the meaning behind your hesitant pauses or why you chose the words you did. Communicating with him was so straightforward and easy going, unlike anything you’d ever really experienced with someone so quickly before. You really liked Joel and Sharon adored his daughter. You really hoped you could help give them a great Christmas. They deserved it.

You’d drawn up a plan for the Dream House on Sunday night, going in a different direction than just trying to recreate what was on the shelf at the store.

Instead, you’d made a Barbie-fied version of Joel and Sarah’s house. You’d found their house on Google Maps - it felt a little too weird to look it up on Zillow - and took a guess at the layout based on what you’d seen on the inside and what the footprint of the house was from above.

Joel had stopped by your apartment Monday after work to pick up the plans and you stepped into the breezeway outside your door, leaving Sharon watching a cartoon in the living room.

“I hope it’s not too weird,” you bit your lip as you handed the blue prints over. “If it is, I can redo it tonight and I don’t think it’ll put you too far behind…”

He took the pages and frowned as he flipped through them. Your heart sank for a moment.

“Is this… our house?” He asked, looking up from the papers to look at you.

“Yeah,” you said. “I thought… since, you know, you just bought it and you bought it to give Sarah a better life, that kind of makes it a dream house, right? And I thought she might like to have her Barbies in a house that was like hers… I’m sorry, I over stepped, that’s not…”

“This is amazing,” he said, looking back down at the plans. “Do you think she’ll like it?”

You smiled, shoving your hands in the back pockets of your jeans.

“Yeah. I think so, anyway. I would have, when I was her age. I think she will, too.”

Even though you’d just seen him three days in a row, you were looking forward to spending the evening with him tonight, too. You had the supplies for making peanut butter cookies set out - as well as the peppermint bark shortbread you’d made every year since you were 20 and looking for something simple to make in your first apartment kitchen - and Joel was coming over to bake with you and the girls.

You had a little surprise for him, too. When he’d first dropped Sarah off that afternoon, you’d gotten the girls to help make some Christmas decorations he could bring home with him. Paper chains and cut out snowflakes and Christmas trees made out of plastic spoons. Once the girls got bored you let them loose on the toys and told Sharon to bring the adventure to the living room so you could keep an eye on them as you made gingerbread. They were having a blast and you now had enough gingerbread to build a small village of houses, plus a small box of homemade decor to give to Joel. You just hoped he liked it.

The girls were so involved with whatever they were playing - lightsabers were out now and Sharon was standing on the couch - that they barely noticed when he got there with an armload of pizza.

“OK definitely feelin’ like I got off pretty easy in this deal,” he said, setting the pizza down on your breakfast bar.

“It’s fine,” you waved him off. “My downstairs neighbors work in the afternoon and evening so they’re not bothering anyone. And they’ve stayed out of my way so it’s been no trouble, truly.”

“Daddy!” Sarah yelped, dropping the lightsaber and running for him, leaping into his arms like she hadn’t seen him in weeks, instead of just a few hours. “We made stuff and played Barbies and now we’re playing wars…”

“Star Wars,” Sharon corrected, jumping off the couch and stumbling forward as she landed. “It’s so cool, it’s this real old movie…”

“Alright,” Joel cut them off. “I’ll stop ya there, I remember when some of those came out, don’t need you saying they’re that old…” He set Sarah down and turned to you. “Didn’t take you for a Star Wars fan.”

You shrugged.

“Gotta introduce the kid to classic film.”

“Oh lord,” he rolled his eyes and laughed. “Think you’re the same age as me, better watch what you say about classic film…”

You got the girls to sit still long enough to plow through the better part of a cheese pizza and some carrot sticks while you and Joel split a supreme, sitting so close to each other that your knees brushed below the table.

The first time it happened, you jerked your leg away on instinct but Joel didn’t react. So you let your leg relax a little and, bit by bit, your knee drifted until it was against his thigh and your heart was in your throat.

After dinner, you pulled two chairs into the kitchen for the girls to stand on and you supervised as they combined the ingredients for peanut butter blossoms, their little faces getting covered in a dusting of flour and a smear of peanut butter ending up in the middle of Sharon’s shirt. They gleefully rolled the balls of dough in sugar and you handled putting the Hershey kisses in the middle of each one as the cookies neared the end of baking as Joel helped the girls secure the structure of their gingerbread houses.

“This much frosting seems dangerous,” Joel said after you’d joined them back at the table, cookies cooling on their racks on your packed counter.

“Oh, it is,” you said before you put your tongue between your teeth to concentrate on adding a small chimney to your house. “This is why we do it at the end, so you can get one sugar addled child and I get the other and I’m not wrangling both of them.”

He laughed a little, adding a Twizzler window frame.

“Daddy?” Sarah looked up from her sagging house. “It’s not staying up.”

“One sec Baby Girl…” He got up and went around to help her and you watched as he carefully adjusted the roof and added a little support beam. “See, that’ll help distribute the weight better, makes it more secure. Make sense?”

“I think so,” she said. “Can I add more M&Ms now?”

“Yeah, you can add more M&Ms,” he laughed a little before sitting back next to you. You let your knee drift to his thigh again.

He looked at you for a second, a soft look in his eyes, and you thought about taking your leg back but you didn’t.

“In case I haven’t said it,” he said. “Thank you for just… everything you’ve been doin’. Sarah’s been so happy this last week and I know you and Sharon got a lot to do with that. I’m real glad Sarah met her.”

You smiled a little.

“I am, too.”

Joel took a deep breath.

“And I’m real glad I met you, too.”

Your heart picked up.

“Yeah?”

You leaned in a little closer to him.

“Yeah.”

“Aunt Cocoa, look!” Sharon piped up from across the table and you turned away from Joel to look at her gingerbread house that was dripping frosting and sprinkles.

“That’s amazing!” You said. “You’re doing a great job girlie pop, definitely better than mine.”

When the houses were done, you and Sharon helped carry everything down to Joel’s truck, including the box of decorations. He frowned at it when you handed it to him to put in the cab.

“What’s this?”

“Just… open it when you get home,” you smiled. “Let me know what you think.”

He lifted Sarah into her carseat and buckled her in before closing the door and turning to you.

“So, I was thinkin’,” he said. “My brother was supposed to host Christmas dinner but now he’s going to some girlfriend’s place and it doesn’t sound like you’ll have anywhere to be… would you two want to come over? Don’t have to if it’s weird, I know we just met but…”

“I’d love that,” you cut him off, smiling. “Just let me know what I can bring? Or I can volunteer a dessert…”

“Dessert is great,” he said. “Just… mostly just want you there.”

You smiled bigger.

“Then I’ll be there.”

He smiled, making his cheek dimple.

“Good,” he said. “Can’t wait.”

***

Joel sent you one final picture of the dream house.

Think it’s done.

He half expected you not to respond. It was after midnight, officially Christmas Day. By all rights, you should be asleep.

You texted back anyway.

That’s perfect! Sarah will LOVE it.

Joel smiled at his phone like a damn idiot and scrolled through the messages the two of you had sent each other in the short time that he’d known you. There were the pictures he’d sent of his living room after he put up the decorations you and the girls had made him, pictures you’d sent of the gingerbread houses on your breakfast bar as you documented evidence of Sharon slowly sneaking pieces off of them, pictures he’d sent of the progress he made on the dream house.

He clicked on your contact photo and made it fill his screen, the selfie you’d sent him the first night he’d met you. He smiled a little. He couldn’t help it.

You were so pretty he wondered how he didn’t see it at first, even with the ridiculous sweater and the antlers. He must have been in a real shit mood to have not noticed because, over the last few days, he found himself pulling the picture up again and again just to look at you.

He did it when he had a break at work and was checking his phone for other messages. He did it when he was waiting for Sarah to finish breakfast as she dawdled before school. Most often, though, he did it just before he fell asleep when he felt oddly lonely and wished you were there.

It was a strange thought for him. He hadn’t really been with anyone since Sarah’s mom. There just hadn’t been time, he was too busy with work and his daughter, and he’d never longed for someone he’d never even kissed before. At least, not since he was a fucking teenager.

But he wanted to be next to you. He damn near melted the first time your knee had brushed his thigh, had to fight the urge to put his hand over that knee, trail his fingers along the inside of your thigh. And fuck, had he wanted to kiss you. You were so close and you smelled like vanilla and sugar and he knew - he just knew - that your lips would be soft and sweet.

He’d only seen you two days since then - plenty, considering you just met, but it felt like so little. Once, when the two of you had taken the girls Christmas shopping and traded kids so they could get something for each of you, and another time when you’d taken the girls to the playground together. The two of you had tried to sit on a bench and watch them play but the girls weren’t satisfied, pulling you and Joel up to play freeze tag.

Joel was looking forward to Christmas now. He’d actually been able to get Sarah what she wanted - or hoped she wanted, anyway - and he was getting to see you. He wasn’t entirely sure how but he’d gone from a man who was all but dreading the holiday to one who was almost as excited as his daughter for the day to come.

You sent him a picture of a Millennium Falcon set up for Sharon under the tree. Joel laughed a little and smiled.

She’s going to love it.

You followed it up with a picture of a sticker sheet.

She might like this more, who knows.

He wondered if it would be weird to ask you for a selfie. Probably. Still, he considered it. But he just texted, instead.

You did a great job. Really.

Why are you still up? You should go to bed, Joel. Santa can’t come if you’re still awake.

He tried to picture you saying it, the serious look you’d try to keep on your face as your lips curved up at the edges.

I will if you will.

Alright, you convinced me! See you tomorrow.

You sent a little heart after your last message and Joel tried to not read into it as he went to bed and pulled up your picture one more time, just to look at you, drifting off wondering how you’d feel curled up next to him.

Sarah tackled him at 6:17 a.m.

“Daddy!” She shook his whole body. “Daddy, wake up, I think Santa came! Daddy, get up!”

“Alright, Baby Girl,” he groaned, blinking the sleep from his eyes. “M’awake, gimme a minute, we’ll go see if Santa came…”

He shook his head a little as he sat up, his hair falling over his forehead, and he got a shirt from his dresser before pulling up the camera on his phone.

“Alright Kiddo,” he said. “You stay right here at the top of the stairs for just a minute so I can get you on video…”

He went into the living room and turned on the lights, the paper chains you’d made with the girls dangling cheerfully from the doorways.

“Alright,” he said, starting recording, suddenly nervous about Sarah seeing the homemade dream house. What if she hated it? This might be the first Christmas she really remembered, what if he ruined it? “Come on down, Baby Girl.”

Sarah thundered down the stairs and into the living room, her curls bouncing as she ran. Her eyes went wide and her mouth made a small “o” when she saw the house sitting next to the tree. She ran over to it and dropped to her knees beside it, a Barbie and a Ken standing in the kitchen, ready for her to play with.

“Daddy!” She gaped at him, a look of awe on her face. “Daddy, that’s our house! That’s our house but Barbie!”

“Is it?” He asked.

“Yeah!” She said. “See, that’s the kitchen and we’re in here in the living room…”

“Do you like it?” He asked, hoping he didn’t sound too hesitant.

“It’s the best thing I’ve ever seen!” She looked back to the house. “Barbie has a house like us!”

“Yeah,” Joel said, trying not to tear up. “Yeah, she does.”

It took Sarah a while to even want to move on to her stocking - loaded with candy - and the gifts under the tree. Joel had never been happier to see Sarah happy and it tugged at his heart knowing that he couldn’t have done it without you.

There were two things under the tree for Joel from Sarah, one that she let him have then and one that she insisted on waiting for you to be there for.

The first one was half of a butterfly best friend necklace and he frowned a little at it.

“Hold on!” She scampered off to her room for a moment before she came running back, flopping on Joel’s lap as he sat cross legged next to the tree. She held up the other side. “See? So when you go to work you can remember me!”

There was the burning pinch of tears in his eyes when he pulled her in to kiss her cheek.

“I always remember you, Baby Girl,” he said, voice wet. “But I love it so so much, thank you.”

He put it on, the chain much shorter around his thick neck than it was around her little one. She giggled and put her half of the butterfly against his before going back to playing with the Barbies.

Joel had to pull himself away from watching her play to get dressed and make breakfast before making her get dressed, too, and then handling all the holiday things that needed doing before you arrived.

He was putting the ham in the oven when the doorbell rang and Sarah shrieked before running for the door, Joel only catching a glimpse of a red dress as he ducked back below the paper chain between the kitchen and the living room.

“I saved it just for you,” Sarah said conspiratorially as he made it to the door. You smiled at Joel over his head. “I wanted you to see, too!”

“That was very sweet,” you smiled at her. “Have you had a good Christmas?”

“The best,” she said. “Santa made a dream house just for me!”

“He did?” Sharon’s mouth dropped open. “That’s so cool! I brought a Barbie, can she come over and see it?”

“Yeah!” Sarah took her hand and the two girls tore into the living room, almost running into Joel on their way past.

“Hey,” you smiled, your eyes bright and beautiful, in a green sweater that was so far from the one he’d first seen you in. This one was a dress that clung to your frame, hugging all the parts of you he’d thought about far too much. You moved to hug him, a little awkwardly with a pie plate in your hands, but he didn’t care. He was just happy for the excuse to touch you, hoped you wouldn’t hear his heart pounding in his green flannel shirt.

“Hey,” he smiled as he gave you a squeeze.

“Told you she’d love it,” you whispered before you pulled back, giving him a wink.

The two of you went to the living room and watched the girls play, your legging clad legs brushing against him and he wondered if you even noticed, if it was all just an accident or if you were as aware of every time you touched like he was.

“Oh, Dad, I have one more for you!” Sarah went and got the other small box from under the tree. “Miss Cocoa helped me pick it. And helped me buy it because it was more money than you gave me.”

“You didn’t need to do that,” he frowned at you.

You just waved him off.

“I had coupons,” you said. “And Kohl’s Cash. And then it was only like $15 more dollars. Nothing crazy.”

He unwrapped the box and opened it. Inside was a watch with a black face, green band and a metal case, one that would actually hold up to his job.

“I wanted to get you the pink one,” Sarah said. “But she said she didn’t think it would fit you.”

“Yeah, your dad is a big guy,” Joel could hear you smiling. “That pink watch looked a little small. I think this one will work better.”

“Try it on!” Sarah said, bouncing a little beside him. “I wanna see!”

“Alright,” he said, taking off his old watch that had seen far better days and sliding on the new one. He turned his wrist in the light, admiring it. “It’s perfect, Baby Girl.”

“You like it?” Sarah asked, her eyes wide.

“I love it,” he said, pulling her in to kiss her on the cheek. “Thank you so much.”

She clapped before going back to playing with Sharon.

You were looking at his wrist, a small smile on your face.

“Really shouldn’t have done that,” he said. “It really is perfect, but…”

You smiled bigger.

“She was just so excited about it,” you said. “I couldn’t resist.”

“Well,” Joel said. “I do have somethin’ for you, too.”

“Yeah?” You asked brows raised.

He stood up from the couch, holding his hand out for yours. You took it and he tugged you to your feet.

“You two behave yourselves for just a minute,” Joel said. “We’ll be right back.”

They didn’t even seem to notice, too busy moving the barbies through the house.

“C’mon,” he said, still holding your hand and guiding you toward the garage. “Now if you don’t like it, I can redo it…”

He led you to his garage workshop and turned on the lights, your gift sitting under a sheet on his workbench.

“Couldn’t really wrap it,” he nodded to it. “But it’s under there.”

“I can just…” You raised your eyebrows at him and he laughed a little.

“Yeah, go for it.”

You made an excited little sound before pulling back the sheet. You gasped at it and Joel smiled as you went to run your hands over the sides.

“This is gorgeous!” You said, looking from it to him. “What is it?”

“Well,” he said, coming and standing so close to you that he could feel you breathing. You smelled like sugar and cinnamon and clove. “When we were on the phone while I was at Home Depot the other day, you mentioned needing a toy box for your living room. Seemed like you care about things like your furniture and things so I wanted to make you one that looked like it’d be your style. It opens at the top…” He demonstrated, lifting the lid. “Put some bumpers on the lid, too, so if Sharon throws it around it won’t hurt anything… top can be a bench if you wanted, too, you got all those nice pillows on your couch and stuff… Anyway, like I said, I can change it if you don’t…”

You turned and threw your arms around his neck, pressing your warm, soft body against him. He hesitated for a moment before he hugged you back, his fingertips gripping you tight.

“I love it,” your voice was muffled by his shirt before you pulled back from him just enough to look at his face. “I think that’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever done for me, where did you find the time?”

“I ain’t slept much this week,” he laughed a little. “But that’s OK. It’s… it’s worth it. You’re worth it.”

You looked up at him, your eyes wide and warm and soft and all he wanted to do was kiss you. Joel thought it might be the only thing he ever wanted to do.

“Joel,” you breathed, pressing yourself a little closer to him.

“Is it OK if I kiss you now?” He asked softly, one of his hands slipping from your waist to gently hold your face. “Because damn, do I want to kiss you.”

You nodded eagerly and he tightened his hold on you, tilting your head just so to press his lips to yours.

You felt just like he thought you would but somehow so much better, your mouth so soft and warm against him, the taste of mint on your tongue. Your lips fit on his own the way that no one else’s ever had, he’d never kissed anyone and felt this desperate to keep kissing them, keep doing just about anything with them.

Eventually, you pulled back from him, breathless, and trailed your fingers through his hair. He smiled a little at you, panting a bit himself.

“Think we can get a babysitter and go out sometime?” He asked. “Just the two of us?”

“Yeah,” you laughed a little. “Yeah, I think we can.”

The two of you went back in the house, holding hands as you sat watching the girls play, giggling and chattering back and forth like they’d known each other for years. But Joel understood that now. He’d never seen Sarah latch on to anyone so fast but then, he’d never had feelings like this for someone so fast, either.

At dinner, he sat next to you, all four of you laughing, Christmas music on the background. When your knee came to rest against his leg, his hand slipped below the table and cupped your knee, his thumb stroking your thigh. You looked at him and smiled a little before your hand drifted below the table, too, giving his leg a squeeze.

When the girls wore themselves out, he left Sarah asleep on the couch, The Grinch on in the background, before he loaded the toy box into your trunk and then carried Sharon out, lowering her gently into her carseat. You buckled her in as she sleepily clutched her Barbie in one chubby hand and her Princess Leia action figure in the other.

“Thanks for comin’,” Joel said, stepping close to you. “And for everything you did for me and for Sarah the last few weeks.”

You smiled, leaning back against your car and tugging Joel against you, he smiled and laughed a little.

“I was happy to,” you said, eyes shining in the moonlight. “So what do you think? Good Christmas?”

He searched your eyes for a moment and slowly leaned in to kiss you again. Your smile broadened and you met him halfway, your fingers knotting in his shirt as you held him against you.

“Yeah,” he said, pulling just far enough away from you that he could look in your eyes again. “Best Christmas ever.”

A/N: Thanks for reading this little holiday fic! I hope you enjoyed it, even though it went up a few days later than I'd really hoped.

Wishing you a beautiful holiday season with lots of love and laughter. Thank you for being here and spending some of it with me ❤️

#fanfic #joel miller x female reader #joel miller x reader #joel miller x you #joel miller x oc #holly jolly

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steveyoungjokes · 2 years

Text

Discworld Pushed Me Left

by Steven Young

Thanks to the marvelous editor, Lyta Gold.

[Originally published in Current Affairs, (before the purge)]

It took Hannah Arendt two books and 800 or so pages to describe the origins of totalitarianism and the banality of evil. Terry Pratchett did it in 326 words when describing the workplace culture of the religious torture chambers in his book Small Gods. Karl Marx spent many chapters in Capital describing how the rich fleece the poor; Pratchett boiled much of that down into the 169-word “‘Boots’ Theory of Socioeconomic Unfairness” in Men At Arms. By using humor to poke fun at the world that he created, Terry Pratchett made many progressive and leftist ideas accessible, explainable, and shareable. And his Discworld series helped move my political outlook leftward in a way that not many other things could.

I grew up conservative in the way that many middle-class suburban religious white kids are conservative. (“We’re fine, right? Everyone else must be fine, then. If not, it’s their fault.”) My father was a career Army officer and my mother had been in the Army during Vietnam. As adults, they both joined the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormons). That’s why I served a mission for two years in Brazil (for my Church), and why I joined the Marine Corps, serving my country (I thought, lol) for 12 years. You would think that being a religious colonizer, and a veteran in the “War on Terror” would have cemented my conservativeness, but the most important thing I inherited from my parents is silliness. I am a very silly person, and am more strongly influenced by funny things (comedy, light-hearted fiction) than serious things (pundits, war). Conservative comedy, I realized as I matured, wasn’t particularly funny or clever, since it consisted mostly of racism and bullying. In watching, listening to, and reading comedians who critiqued society and its institutions, rather than just mocking people, I began to see the weak points in my inherited conservative views. Then I found the Discworld, and was changed forever.

Terry Pratchett’s 41-novel Discworld series describes a place of barbarian heroes and hapless academics, brave witches and cowardly Wizards, silly kings and evil fairy godmothers. There are magical flying dragons, and domesticated swamp dragons with a propensity for inadvertent self-immolation. You’ll also find plenty of politics, as well as war, inventions, grifting, intrigue, love, danger, and DEATH. (On the Disc, Death is no mere abstraction, but an anthropomorphic personification with a voice like “the lid of a sarcophagus slamming,” who is really quite likeable.) Perhaps more than anything else, the Discworld has humor. Every page is full of puns and other wordplay, clever rejoinders, and silly situations. Pratchett’s stories are often laugh-out-loud funny and at the same time incredibly insightful, often by using a silly situation to show the inherent silliness of many things in our world.

In his book The Truth, about the invention of the newspaper, Pratchett writes that “People like to be told what they already know… They get uncomfortable when you tell them new things… They like to know that, say, a dog will bite a man. That is what dogs do. They don’t want to know that a man bites a dog, because the world is not supposed to happen like that. In short, what people think they want is news, but what they really crave is olds.” Pratchett often gets the reader to think about “the news” by referencing “the olds,” re-telling classic stories from a different perspective to challenge their established values. For example, in Witches Abroad (Discworld #12, Witches #3), the young witch Magrat Garlick is given a magic wand, and told that she is to act as fairy godmother for a young woman named Emberella, an obvious play on Cinderella (both in name and, as we find out, in the story). After many adventures on the way to find Emberella, Magrat discovers that there is another fairy godmother who is “helping” Emberella by trying to force her into marrying a handsome “Prince” (who had until very recently been a frog, and still thinks he is one). The book hinges on Magrat and her fellow witches competing with this other fairy godmother by trying to help Emberella figure out if marrying the handsome prince is what she really wants. The entire story, in fact, is premised on what happens when powerful people (in this case, powerful magic users) try to impose their idealistic stories onto the lives of others.

Pratchett’s 41 novels are dense with literary references, and are hilariously critical of just about anything one could be critical of. I do not have enough space to give the incredibly broad scope of the characters and places of the Discworld the discussion they deserve, so I will focus for now on the biggest city on the Disc: Ankh-Morpork. That’s right, “Ankh-Morpork! Pearl of cities! This is not a completely accurate description, of course—it was not round and shiny—but even its worst enemies would agree that if you had to liken Ankh-Morpork to anything, then it might as well be a piece of rubbish covered with the diseased secretions of a dying mollusc.” Ankh-Morpork can be likened to immediately-pre-industrialization New York City and London, and many of the problems in the stories arise from the growing industrialization of the Discworld—such as urban blight, policing, corruption, organized crime, innovation, monopolies, and lack of funding for public services.

The government of Ankh-Morpork can be described as libertarian, more or less. The city of millions is ruled over by the Patrician, whose role is, as he understands it, to ensure that everything works. “Ankh-Morpork had dallied with many forms of government and had ended up with that form of democracy known as One Man, One Vote,” Pratchett writes in Mort. “The Patrician was the Man; he had the Vote.” The Patrician, Havelock Vetinari, doesn’t rule Ankh-Morpork with an iron fist: he just lets everyone go about their business, and then rigidly holds them accountable. That said, his real power comes from his ability to influence people by sheer foresight and incredibly detailed planning. In fact it was Vetinari himself who instituted a new type of “justice” system. He legalized the Guild of Thieves:

“Crime was always with us, he reasoned, and therefore, if you were going to have crime, it at least should be organized crime...[I]n exchange for the winding down of the Watch, the [Thieves Guild] agreed, while trying to keep their faces straight, to keep crime levels to a level to be determined annually. That way, everyone could plan ahead… and part of the uncertainty had been removed from the chaos that is life.”

I can imagine certain libertarians trying to explain how paying a predetermined amount to the Thieves Guild in exchange for a receipt and future protection is different from paying taxes, but you and I both recognize that that argument would be nonsense. By taking the concept of “organized crime” literally, Pratchett exposes the baselessness of the libertarian idea that freedom can be found through just legalizing everything and resolving all conflicts through contracts. Arrangements like these don’t make people any safer, and no matter what, they still result in powerful entities charging citizens money for protection.

The societies in Discworld are pre-industrial, as I said, with some later going through industrialization, and for that reason there is little governmental regulation of housing, industry, commerce, and the environment. The water in Ankh-Morpork is described as having a “thick texture,” “too stiff to drink, too runny to plough” and smelling like “several armies had used it first as a urinal and then as a sepulcher.” Any urban planner will tell you that environmental degradation, among other things, leads to urban blight: Ankh-Morpork is squalid and dangerous. As Pratchett writes in Pyramids, there “was not a lot that could be done to make Morpork a worse place. A direct hit by a meteorite would count as gentrification.” For all the danger and organized crime, “murder was in fact a fairly uncommon event in Ankh-Morpork, but there were a lot of suicides. Walking in the night-time alleyways of The Shades was suicide. Asking for a short in a dwarf bar was suicide. Saying 'Got rocks in your head?' to a troll was suicide. You could commit suicide very easily, if you weren't careful.” There’s a sly joke in here about crime statistics, and how technical terminology can be used and misused to tell a certain story. Relatedly, the Assassins Guild in Ankh-Morpork doesn’t commit “murder”; instead they merely “inhume” their victims, but they keep detailed records of their work and come down very hard on unlicensed inhumations. The state of policing in the United States is so horrible that perhaps, if we had a strong Assassins Guild, it would be an improvement; sure, murder would be officially legal, but in the guild system it’s costly to hire an assassin and costly to be an unlicensed assassin, whereas in the United States the police often do the assassinating themselves. At least in Ankh-Morpork the Assassins Guild school provides one of the best and well-rounded educations on the Disc, with scholarships for need-based students. This is partly out of noblesse oblige, but mostly because the experienced assassins know how important it is to keep an eye on youngsters with an aptitude for the profession. (Yes, to some degree this sounds like the current school bully-to-cop pipeline, but at least Pratchett’s assassins are held accountable.)

Criminals in Ankh-Morpork are often just referred to as ‘entrepreneurs,’ and at the start of the Discworld series, the city doesn’t have much in the way of a law enforcement system. Due to Vetinari’s re-organization of the Guilds into self-enforcing crime causing and prevention, an official law enforcement body was seen as superfluous. For that reason, early in the Discworld series the Night Watch has only three very ineffective police officers. To leftists like me this may sound great, but as discussed above, Ankh-Morpork’s methods of criminal self-enforcement coupled with unregulated markets makes for a pretty terrible place to live. The three officers of the Night Watch—Captain Sam Vimes, Sergeant Fred Colon, and Corporal Nobby Nobbs—have three different takes on policing (all of which might be called a sort of “anti-policing.”) In Making Money, Pratchett writes that “Colon and Nobby had lived a long time in a dangerous occupation and they knew how not to be dead. To wit, by arriving when the bad guys had got away.” Sergeant Colon was the type of policeman who would say that “trying to keep down crime in Ankh-Morpork was like trying to keep down salt in the sea…” and would avoid having to interact with criminals by proactively guarding very notable city locations because “[o]ne day someone was bound to try to steal the Brass Bridge, and then they’d find Sergeant Colon right there waiting for them. In the meantime, it offered a quiet place out of the wind where he could have a relaxing smoke and probably not see anything that would upset him.” Corporal Nobbs, however, is the kind of person who joins armies to loot corpses. He’s often the main suspect in any unlicensed minor theft around town, stemming from his preferred method of police work (testing doorknobs to see if houses are locked, and going into the unlocked homes to make sure no thieves are there.) Slightly less risk-averse than Sergeant Colon, Corporal Nobbs would never fight fair:

“Corporal Nobbs,” [Vimes] rasped, “why are you kicking people when they’re down?”

“Safest way, sir,” said Nobby.

When we meet Captain Vimes in Guards! Guards! (Discworld #8, City Watch #1), he’s a somewhat functional alcoholic who stumbles through the city avoiding crime as much as possible, and trying to keep Colon and Nobbs from getting into dangerous situations. Over the course of his arc, we learn that Vimes is driven to drink because of past trauma, plus the ongoing and somewhat banal trauma caused by the internal tension that he experiences as an ersatz peace officer who is constantly confronted with the fact that he is mostly powerless to protect those who need protecting and that most of the harm caused to the city and its inhabitants is technically “legal.” In short, to the extent that Vimes can be considered a “good cop,” it’s because he comes to the realization that the status quo of organized and legalized criminal syndicates fueled by unregulated libertarian capitalism doesn’t help people, and he pushes back somewhat significantly against that status quo.

That being said, in later books the Night Watch is expanded (as one of the more prominent efforts in Ankh-Morpork to officially reflect the diverse social makeup of the city). It becomes the City Watch, and Vimes is promoted, becoming a part of the aristocracy. This is all a bit neat—it just so happens that Ankh-Morpork’s libertarian problems can be solved by more policing, and Vimes is rewarded for his efforts. However, despite Vimes’ increased station, and the increased power of the City Watch he commands, he remains mostly grounded and functions as a traitor to his new class. This is likely because of the lessons he learned during his years of living on the lower rungs of society, probably the most famous of which is:

Captain Samuel Vimes’ “Boots” theory of socioeconomic unfairness.

“The reason that the rich were so rich, Vimes reasoned, was because they managed to spend less money.

Take boots, for example. He earned thirty-eight dollars a month plus allowances. A really good pair of leather boots cost fifty dollars. But an affordable pair of boots, which were sort of OK for a season or two and then leaked like hell when the cardboard gave out, cost about ten dollars. Those were the kind of boots Vimes always bought, and wore until the soles were so thin that he could tell where he was in Ankh-Morpork on a foggy night by the feel of the cobbles.

But the thing was that good boots lasted for years and years. A man who could afford fifty dollars had a pair of boots that'd still be keeping his feet dry in ten years' time, while the poor man who could only afford cheap boots would have spent a hundred dollars on boots in the same time and would still have wet feet.”

Though there are flaws to Vimes’ theory (mostly because there are many additional reasons why the rich are so much richer than the poor), his theory is very understandable, and can lead readers to ask deeper economic questions about labor, value, and planned obsolescence. It doesn’t seem like many leftist academics have incorporated Vimes’ Boots theory into their writings, but the internet is full of people who read the Boots theory and immediately find that it describes their lived experience. As many of us have seen, the internecine online leftist debate over “reading theory” vs. “not being a fucking nerd” often does not lead to much progress when it comes to spreading awareness of left ideas. It is my opinion that a very readable, understandable, and funny version of “theory,” like the one Pratchett wrote, allows for more people to understand—or become interested in or familiar with—leftist theories than would otherwise be the case. I know that during my post-Marine Corps life, Pratchett’s humor was integral for my discovery of progressive ideals.

There are subtler left touches in Pratchett’s work as well: while many stories do focus on high-level political actors or those on the front lines of conflict, his writing also considers the lives of ordinary working people. The personification of Death, rarely dealing with kings and potentates, spends time working as a farm hand, interacting with children (who, like magic users, can see him because they “can see what’s really there”), playing rock and roll, and trying to discover the meaning of life… and death. The witches, as powerful magic users, do interact with various political leaders, but it’s very clear that they gain their power and experience from helping farmers and shepherds deal with the everyday, practical issues that are part of life in a pre-industrial society. Another subseries focuses on the senior faculty of Unseen University—a bunch of old wizards with tenure—but every story illustrates the blinkered stupidity of these senior faculty members, and how useless they are without the help of their support staff.

Though Pratchett often writes stories about the inherent goodness of most people, he is also interested in the ways in which anybody can become a collaborator with evil. Perhaps the best example of this comes in Small Gods, in which the country of Omnia launches a “Quisition” [inquisition] complete with torture pits. The cellar of the Quisition is not, at first glance, a wildly evil workplace: “There were no jolly little signs saying: You Don’t Have To Be Pitilessly Sadistic To Work Here But It Helps!!!” But take a look at their coffee breaks: “The inquisitors stopped work twice a day for coffee. Their mugs, which each man had brought from home, were grouped around the kettle on the hearth of the central furnace which incidentally heated the irons and knives.” This is such a small, perfect image of evil: the inquisitors heating their coffee and their torture tools on the same hearth. Pratchett further describes their environment:

“...there were the postcards on the wall. It was traditional that, when an inquisitor went on holiday, he'd send back a crudely coloured woodcut of the local view with some suitably jolly and risque message on the back. And there was the pinned-up tearful letter from Inquisitor First Class Ishmale "Pop" Quoom, thanking all the lads for collecting no fewer than seventy-eight obols for his retirement present and the lovely bunch of flowers for Mrs. Quoom, indicating that he'd always remember his days in No. 3 pit, and was looking forward to coming in and helping out any time they were short-handed.”

Pratchett could, of course, be describing any office break room. The casual and friendly quality stands in horrid contrast to the actual work of the inquisitors. On this point, Pratchett is unsparing: “...there are hardly any excesses of the most crazed psychopath that cannot easily be duplicated by a normal, kindly family man who just comes in to work every day and has a job to do.”

Reading this, as a former soldier in the U.S.’s imperial military, and as a member of a generally conservative religion with a strict hierarchy, this passage (and Small Gods in total) helped me recognize the part I had played in evil. I am still a member of my church, but do my best to push back against the banal and even friendly aspects that push people to accept evil results without question. Recently, I led the teenage boys in our local congregation in reading Small Gods together, with profound results: these fellows understood the underlying themes perfectly. It was very heartening to witness young people realize how humor can be a part of discussing serious topics, and how easily one can be co-opted to do harm by a seemingly inevitable and even friendly-seeming organization. It should be noted, that this experience did not (from what I could tell) cause these young men to question their faith, or to immediately start sinning (hormones will likely do most of that work), but it allowed them the space to question the parts of our organized religion that merit questioning.

Teasing out all the thematic complexity of Pratchett would take an entire magazine by itself, but it’s worth looking at his approach to gender. There’s Monstrous Regiment, in which (spoiler) nearly every seemingly-male soldier in the army turns out to be a woman in disguise, and a very competent woman at that. (Incidentally, Pratchett does a surprisingly good job of describing the nitty-gritty specifics faced by a frontline soldier that are otherwise almost never mentioned in literature.) Other novels revolve around the experiences of Tiffany Aching, a young witch who must navigate adolescence, gender roles, feminism, rural life, and incursions by very nasty creatures; and she does it all while subverting traditional fantasy stories’ treatment of women and sexuality.

Tiffany’s stories—and that of the other witches— are presented in sharp contrast to those of the wizards. These tenured academics live in a gender-segregated university that admits only men (with one eventual exception); they are celibate, and show no interest in the women who clean up after them. For example, in Unseen Academicals, the Archchancellor Ridcully realizes he “had never thought of the maids in the singular. They were all…servants. He was polite to them, and smiled when appropriate. He assumed they sometimes did other things than fetch and carry, and sometimes went off to get married and sometimes just...went off. Up until now though, he’d never really thought that they might think, let alone what they thought about.” Women’s labor may go unseen in the Unseen University, but the narrative ensures that you see it. Additionally, the absurdity of the university and the relative impotence of the wizards’ magic is constantly contrasted against the witch-style of magic that is largely about creating life and being useful. For example, while the witch Nanny Ogg is the matriarch of a large family, has had a host of husbands (which is not seen as particularly scandalous), loves singing dirty songs, and has published an adult-themed cookbook, the wizards of Unseen University have to keep the magical tome Ge Fordge’s Compenydym of Sex Majick “in a vat of ice in a room all by itself and there’s a strict rule that it can only be read by wizards who are over eighty and, if possible, dead.” There are multiple interactions between the wizards with their supposedly-high minded form of academic magic and the witches with their supposedly-homespun form of rural magic, which end up as pointed critiques both of gender and the hierarchical forms of educational systems. In most of the Discworld books, both wizards and witches believe that magic should be gendered; in Equal Rites (Discworld #3, Witches #1), the wizard Treatle states that “Witchcraft is Nature’s way of allowing women access to the magical fluxes, but you must remember that it is not high magic...High magic requires clarity of thought, you see, and women’s talents do not lie in that direction.” At the same time, Granny Weatherwax agrees, saying “if women were meant to be wizards, they’d be able to grow long white beards...wizardry is not the way to use magic, do you hear, it’s nothing but lights and fire and meddling with power.”

That said, the witches do a much better job of questioning the existing hierarchy and challenging their social status than the wizards. In A Hat Full of Sky (Discworld #32, Tiffany Aching #2), Pratchett describes the nature of the witches’ non-hierarchy (while also illustrating the power of a determined individual) when he writes that “witches are equal. [They] don’t have things like head witches. That’s quite against the spirit of witchcraft...Besides, Mistress Weatherwax would never allow that sort of thing.” Though Granny Weatherwax is likely powerful enough to run roughshod over the Disc, she seems to be of the same mind as Tiffany Aching’s grandmother, who said “Them as can do has to do for them as can’t. And someone has to speak up for them as has no voices,” a rather different ethic than that exhibited by the wizards, who gain rank by killing older wizards. In “‘Change the Story, Change the World’: Gendered Magic and Educational Ideology in Terry Pratchett’s Discworld” L. Kaitlin Williams points out that “the witches’ subversive educational ideology not only undermines the wizard’ repressive educational ideology, but also...takes on a threateningly rebellious quality capable of toppling the hegemonic and hierarchical structures of Discworld.”

This is well-illustrated in The Wee Free Men (Discworld #30, Tiffany Aching #1), where Tiffany Aching seeks out more formal witch training and is told to “go to a high place near here, climb to the top, open your eyes...and then open your eyes again,” the lesson being that witches learn from experiencing the world as it really is, rather than taking tests and attending lectures. This self-education, based in lived experience and self-knowledge, helps her defeat her enemy, the more logic and reason-based Queen of Fairyland who tries to tempt and trick her with realistic dreams. Tiffany’s less-than-formal education also makes her a natural ally of the mysterious and magical Nac Mac Feegle “pictsies” with their anti-authoritarian rallying cry (in a Scottish-ish accent) of “Nae king! Nae quin! Nae laird! Nae Master! We willna be fooled again!”

But the most subversive part of Discworld—or possibly the least, depending on your perspective—may be the Industrial Revolution Series, featuring the novels Moving Pictures, The Truth, Monstrous Regiment, Going Postal, Making Money, and Raising Steam, which cover issues such as the free press, minority rights, support groups, industrialization, mechanization, government services, trains, recycling, and telecommunication. Three of the books center around Moist von Lipwig, a former conman who changes his stars (somewhat reluctantly) and helps found or resurrect some of Ankh-Morpork’s public institutions. In Going Postal, Lipwig is tasked with saving the city post office when Reacher Gilt (a brutal steampunk pirate who clearly inspired Jeffrey Bezos) tries to drive it into ruins (via murder and monopoly) in order to force everyone to use his new visual telegraph system. Moist manages to save the post office while working through civil rights issues and confronting the complexities of incorporating new technology and automation into a changing world. He also gives us a glimpse as to why he’s an ideal person to usher in a new style of banking when he stops to think about the concept of money:

“Money is not even a thing, it is not even a process. It is a kind of a shared dream. We dream that a small disc of common metal is worth the price of a substantial meal. Once you wake up from that dream, you can swim in a sea of money.”

If this sounds a bit like the principles underlying Modern Monetary Theory, you’ll love the sequel Making Money, in which Moist is tasked with saving the city bank. Specifically, he is tasked with taking the bank over from the people who had previously been running it, and who, among other class warfare tactics, wouldn’t let poor people bank because they felt that “a brigand for a father was something to keep quiet about, but a slave-taking pirate for a great-great-great-grandfather was something to boast of.” In addition, they had come to understand that “the best way to make money out of poor people is by keeping them poor.” Moist saves the bank, and likely the city, when he comes to two important realizations. First, that many people of Ankh-Morpork do not trust the banks (likely because of the dismissive attitude bankers held [hold?] toward the poor), but they do believe in the overall progress of their city. Second, he notices that many people of Ankh-Morpork have begun using postage stamps (which Moist invented in Going Postal) as currency. Combining these two insights, he realizes that the city’s money does not need to be backed by gold, and begins making new money that is backed by the city itself (and further determined by the value of the bodies of the city’s inactive golem slaves/workers, which is just a whole other mess). If this doesn’t sound like an especially profound reform, you would be right. Ankh-Morpork remains a city with terrible living conditions, terrible water, and extreme inequality. Making Money is the only Discworld book with an economist in it, and it has predictable results.

The neoliberal blindness at the end of Making Money is not the only flaw in Pratchett’s Discworld. Despite its breadth of subjects, it is very much a product of a Briton (Pratchett’s full name is actually Sir Terence David John Pratchett OBE), a fact which is reflected in the way that he writes about Fourecks, the Discworld stand-in for Australia, not being a finished continent. Pratchett often uses physical caricature to make great plays on words, and for the most part he makes jokes about everyone, but sometimes it can dip into the realm of body-shaming; for example, there’s quite a lot in Making Money about the villainess being fat and ugly. Sometimes, Pratchett’s love stories can be a bit rote, as if it is the woman’s duty to let the man woo her, and although many of Pratchett’s women characters are quite empowered, this can sometimes take a form similar to the CIA’s new ad promoting case officers who refuse to “internalize misguided patriarchal ideas of what a woman can, or should, be” while shaking hands with Gina Haspel. And because Pratchett’s books are humorous, they are sometimes seen as low brow or “light reading” that justifies “robbing readers of the true delights of ambitious fiction.” That may be true, but it should be noted that light or humorous reading can often be used to tell stories that don’t otherwise get told. That said, the effectiveness of Pratchett’s prose may be limited by the fact that oftentimes the people least likely to want to read a silly story are the people who most likely need to experience something from a different perspective.

Reading Pratchett is a delight, and not just because he uses minute details of the lived experiences of working people and incredible humor to turn accepted stories on their heads. Fun is important for its own sake. I’ve read most of the Discworld books several times and am constantly astounded that nearly every single page has jokes and puns on it. You’ll laugh, but you may also shed tears of melancholic camaraderie, as I did when reading Night Watch which features much of Vimes’ heartbreaking backstory. But don’t take my word for it; as Terry Pratchett’s Moist von Lipwig would say “I wouldn’t trust me if I was you. But I would if I was me.”

#discworld #terry pratchett #comedy #silly

2K notes · View notes

sweetlittlenamjoon · 1 year

Text

✨how stray kids would react to finding out about your regression✨

SFW interaction only please!!!

Chan 🐺🎧

finds out by accident

he’s just checking in on everyone and when he knocks on your door he gets no response

he gets worried and decides to just peek his head in

you’re sleeping with your paci hanging loosely out of you mouth

he thinks it’s really cute and doesn’t really question it much

he asks about it later in private

he immediately does so much research

wants to be your cg right away

dad cg vibes

likes to carry you around

just everywhere

he just goes about his day with you on his hip

“big hugs? big hugs.”

calls you baby girl/boy or kiddo

does voices for your stuffies :)

Lee Know 🐰🐱

finds out by walking in on you with a paci

just goes 😳, apologizes, and leaves

you explain later and he’s like “oh thank god I thought I walked in on something private”

he’s totally fine with it and even hangs out with you sometimes

its takes him and minute to get comfy actually taking care of you when regressed

makes you snacks

“eat up so you have lots of energy later!”

likes to have you in his lap so he can pet your head

picks the ugliest outfits for you he can bc he thinks its funny

plays pretend but he has to be the queen

or the bad guy

“oh noooo. i’ve been defeated.” *flop*

super protective???

if any of the other boys are playing too rough he’ll just scoop you up and threaten them with tissue mouth

Changbin 🐷🐰

why do i feel like binnie would just sixth sense that you’re a regressor

like you tell him about and he’s like “oh, was i not supposed to know?”

supportive big bro/cool older cousin vibes

he loves to pick you up and just hold you

bench press the baby

does that airplane thing where they pick you up with their feet

does his cutesy voice when talking to you

“who’s binnie’s little angel?”

lets you do his hair and makeup

drags whoever he can to co-care

mostly so you can both annoy whoever’s closest

talent shows!!!

he WILL tickle you

no escape

lots of stimmy dances and noises back and forth

adventures to the park

he will underdog you on the swings he don’t care about the rules 😎

Hyunjin 🦙🌲

finds out bc you come to cuddle him one night while regressed

you’re all babbly and squirmy and he’s like “well maybe they’re just sleepy???”

but you just smile up at him and go “hyunjinnie, I wuv you.”

and he just gives you a big hug and goes “I’m not sure what's goin’ on but love you too.”

in the morning you apologize and explain everything

he’s honestly a little confused but he’s trying his best

real awkward but he’s like that with actual kids so

he warms up quick tho

just says random noises

vocal stimmies back and forth

colouring!!!

draws you little pictures to colour in

cuts up fruit for you :)

definitely a co-care kinda guy

usually with felix or changbin

Han 🐹🍓

finds out bc chan convinced you he’d really love to help out

as expected he’s so excited

“so i can just baby you and carry you around and play pretend and it wont be weird?!”

big bro/babysitter cg

you will be watching animal documentaries sorry

he says its bc theyre educational

loves when you’re extra small so he can peekaboo with you

does silly voices when reading to you

chase!

lee know has to remind him to not get too into it or somebody will get hurt lol

really helpful with impure regression

breathing techniques

“wanna put on a silly cat video for a distraction, sweetheart?”

makes sure your toys get snacks too

Felix 🐣☀️

finds out bc you confide in him early on

he’s the first person you actually tell about your regression

super duper supportive

for a while you sneak into his room whenever you feel yourself start to regress

you watch anime on his phone and cuddle

he keeps a paci in his bedside table and an extra stuffie on his bed for you

once you’ve told everyone else he’s so proud

bakes for you all the time

you get to measure the chocolate chips and lick the spoon >:)

bath time!

he lights candles and gives you lots of bubbles

comfy naps and snuggles

pillow forts!

no hyungs allowed!!!

ok i guess lee know can come in he has snacks

does his high pitched voice bc it makes you laugh :)

Seungmin 🐶🐾

finds out bc you involuntarily regress in front of him and try very hard to explain while baby brained

very confused bc you’re mumbling a lot

he just gets ‘i’m a babey sometime an is ok because i copin’

good enough of a reason as any

so he just asks what you want him to do and follows along

vibin

he gets a better explanation later

still vibin

likes to chill best when you’re toddler-middle regressed

he doesn’t know what to do with nonverbal cues lol

thank god for AAC

would do pretty much anything for you

the others pick on him for being so nice to you when regressed when he’s usually such a brat

calls you the maknae

I.N. complains but he doesn’t mind when you’re little

he WILL just tackle you out of nowhere tho

I.N. 🦊🌸

finds out by accident

finds a rattle and some other toys while tidying your room

brings your rattle out to you in the living room and is like “do you have a niece or nephew???”

you get flustered but decide to just tell him the truth

and he just goes “oh ok!” and goes back to cleaning

doesn’t help out much at first

helps with getting you snacks and blankets

sits next to you while doing his own thing

but one day he just pulls you into his lap and continues his game

once he warms up he loves to bug the other members with you

rascals, the lot of you

pretty much never uses his baby voice unless you do something REALLY cute

loves to brush you hair

forehead kisses like “mwah!”

puts you in his big shoes

he takes so many pics

and shows every member

chill with you braggy with all the boys

(requests are open! send me an ask https://at.tumblr.com/sweetlittlenamjoon/i-dont-know-if-you-guys-are-actually-aware-of-this/6t8739ocrw7r)

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