DAMN im pissed. "not being deadnamed bc thats the legal name on birth certificate" FUCK you man. i hope your house falls apart FUCK you. biggest middle finger i can muster. tell me youre a little bitch without saying youre a little bitch. cant stand you motherfuckers

also for the WIP game I’d love to hear about warning signs, snippet of future chapters, your thoughts, random Mary or Nathan or Stuart headcanons, literally anything

okay so this one took me a while to write because this au is so...idk its a very personal and prickly little au and i adore it but i also have no idea how to talk about it lmao. but heres some rambly rambles for you.

basically there were two main things which drove me to want to write this one

i wanted to write nathan and mary being horrible melodramatic toxic as hell and, as a result, extremely hot. if nobody leaves this fic without feeling a little horny about either/both of them, i will be a sad, sad man

i want the hatfords to fucking suck

point one is self explanatory (evil people hot) but point two is this weird zone where like. i understand why the hatfords usually are written as either alright people or pretty mellow for a crime family in fic. its useful to build aus, theres really nothing in canon about them, its objectively completely consistent with canon, and i dont ever want to step on someones fun au of the hatfords. do whatever you like.

but at some incomprehensible point in the last seven (?) years ive been in this fandom, i developed a weird vendetta against stuart hatford.

let me be extremely clear; i can argue my case. i can give you evidence to explain why stuart should be a shitty, horrible person. but thats...mostly just because im good at arguing, honestly. i dont actually expect people to suddenly start writing stuart as a shitty person just because i got the fuck-this-guy brainworm.

but thats a little bit of why im writing this fic. every once in a while i see aus or interpretations that sort of implicitly assume that mary was paranoid and kind of stupid for not sticking with the hatfords, or that staying with the hatfords would have been a better childhood for neil/happy ending for mary. so this is my exploration of what if not that. what if the hatfords also sucked? what if mary went from one situation, that was shitty in one particular way, to a new shitty situation, which was shitty in a different but adjacent way? what if when she ran away it really was a choice between three terrible options (nathan, stuart or going on the run)? what if she had a hand in building that choice? could it have been different if she had acted otherwise? or was she doomed from the start?

and what if, along the way, i got to write about two people who flirted by escalating and extremely hilarious assassination attempts?

Haikyu! Characters With A Shy Manager

Inarizaki Boys With A Shy Manager

tw” joke about ‘offing’ ones self & also overbearing parents

Read Part One Here

osamu

-osamu is someone who’s laidback and doesn’t show his anger much except for when his brother pisses him off and right now Atsumu was nearing the edge of his brothers patience

“ I don’t care what you do as long as your happy “

“ if thats what you want to do then who are we to stop you “

your eyes traveled as you watched osamus mouth quirk up in a small smile before turning into a frown at his brothers face

His body ignoring him and looking to you awaiting your answer his eyes speaking as if your words could change his decision

“ uh I— I don’- “

“ who cares what yer think “ atsumus voice came out in a yell as he turned to his brother

“ are you stupid why would you leave all of this — why would you throw all of this away “ he moved to point to everything in the gym and the balls that sat idle after a match theyd just played and won

“ this can provide for a family — life after high school ‘samu and you want to “

his face came up in confusion “ and you want to leave it all for a restaurant how — why— why would that make sense to you — it’s stupid “

you felt your body go slack as your face dropped into a pout at atsumu’s claims . Throughout all the times you’d seen them argue this had to be the biggest one you’d ever seen take place in front of the team.

You felt horrible your mouth wanted to open to try to protect osamu seeing as he was the only one who put effort into trying to speak with you.

Ever since you joined the team no one could really understand why you were so quiet except for osamu who would sit next to you during breaks and lunches that he’d share his food with you after you finished the bento box he’d made you

your heart tore as you watched him look to the ground ‘ just say something ‘samu please if this is what you want then tell him — it’s your life ‘

“ have you ever stopped and thought about how this may just be what you want ‘tsumu “

atsumus yells stopped as he heard his brothers voice and head pop up to target him

“ maybe this isn’t something I feel my talents are best used for “

he stood with his eyebrows furrowed in determination “ I like food — it makes me happy just like volley’ makes you so — I don’t care if it’s hard and not as easy as volleyball is for me right now —I want to do what my minds telling me to do “

he huffed “ and that’s to cook and open my own restaurant“

he moved to walk over to his brother to get closer with both his words and body “ and don’t you ever yell at them like that again you probably made them piss their pants “

he calmed himself down as he looked his brother in the eyes “ if your nice now “ he huffed out putting his arms into a hold across his chest “ maybe I might just give you a free meal when I open my restaurant “

Everyone’s body turned in shock and fear when they looked behind them to see your body shaking mouth being ripped open with a calming laugh as you clutched at you stomach

Everything seemed to slow in the gym as osamu watched your body ripple with the loud laugh that came out. Wondering how you’d held it inside for so long seeing as this was the first time anyone heard you laugh

“ y-y/n why — why are you laughing “

“ how can you laugh at a time like this we’re fighting“ Atsumus voice had calmed down in a state of panic at your new behavior

“ because osuma said you not gonna get any food“ you smiled “ and I know right now you don’t care but I bet when you get older and you see his amazing restaurant with a long line in front your gonna wish you’d sucked it up in this moment so you can take that free plate “

osamus mouth itched as his wide eyes squeezed shut at your bright smile his mouth opening before he could stop himself “ if you believe in me so much please believe I could keep you fed if you date me “

your body froze as everyone now turned in fear from you to osamu

“ Will I get rice for lunch everyday “ you giggled

“ i’ll make you anything you want out of rice if that’s what you like — i’ll even make you a wedding ring out of rice “

you laughed as you shook your head in a yes form “ as long as the foods included and you never give up on your dreams — no matter who believes in them “

your voice was soft “ then yes i’ll date you osamu “

you watched as he smiled widely sticking his tounge out at his brother “ oh now it’s really fuck what you think ‘tsumu— cause your the one who told me food wouldn’t be enough to get them to date me— I should’ve just made them the cake like I wanted and asked ‘em out “

The team all stood in shock as Arans mouth opened and closed before he spoke again “ u-uh how did that even make sense— what just happened “

sunas body relaxed against the wall as he spoke soft and quiet “ osumas quit volley’ to be a chef, y/n believes in him so their dating, and “ he pointed to atsumu

“ and once again Atsumu looks stupid “

Atsumu

-he’s not one who would necessarily get along with someone shy nor do I see him being able to. The way he acts may go two ways it may make the person comfortable or it may just irritate them and make them even more anxious

-I don’t think he’s one to see the signs , he would probably take your uncomfortable laughter as him making you laugh and tell the whole team he finally broke you and got you to laugh

“ atsumu “

The setter called as he threw up a new set for his brother in the two on two practice match. His hand hitting the ball hard in a spike as he won his team the final point

Your body dropping as you immediately knew what was coming “ y/n-san did you see that “

“ y-yes atsumu-senpai “

“ it was cool wasnt it “ he said as he moved towards you

“ y-yes “

he smirked as he slid his hands in his pocket looking down on you as he came to a stop in front of your body “ well when your just a great player like me things like that come easy so you don’t have to worry if I hurt myself or not “

he looked away from you and to the floor but eyes darting up to look at you again quickly “ because I didn’t so yeah — don’t think I did “

you smiled softly trying to think of a way out of this “ I-I didn’t think so “

“ yeah see you know someone like me would never get injured —I have to be a great role model to my sweet little first year“

he patted your head as he sat down next to you feet out in front of him “ don’t go turning into one of my annoying fan girls ok y/n “

“ I won’t “

“ ah you don’t mean that “ he bumped you softly “ you love me—so your loves gonna blind you you’ll see “

“ oh “

“ see you do — and I love you too “

“ dude they dont even like talking to you “

“ oh shut yer trap yes they do their in love with me we’re destined to be together “

“ yeah in death — that’s what your gonna do ‘tsumu yer gonna make them off theirselves by hearing yer loud mouth every single time you win a match “

“ y/n you love me right “

your body flamed as you let out an uncomfortable laugh moving over on the bench “ they look —their laughing because it’s true “

his body stopped “ wait “

you felt as the wheels were turning in his head —a bit slow but they were turning

his voice coming out in mumbles “ if their laughing— and i’m talking— and now their laughing after I spoke —-l”

he yelled “ I MADE Y/N-SAN LAUGH “

he screamed in happiness smile huge “ I made them laugh guys “

he jolted up jumping when he stood before racing over to the group that all turned to look at him “ their laughing guys I — I did it their laughing their laug—“

your eyes darted to the floor as atsumu fell head first into the floor his voice coming out in a whine as he shook coming up to grab his nose in pain before reaching down to rub his ankle that he felt was thumping like crazy

“ y-you lied you did hurt yourself “

he moved to run his hand across the back of his neck “ well when you say hurt what do you me—“

your laugh came out in short giggles as you tried to hide it not wanting to give him the satisfaction of making you laugh your head turning to the side as you gave up and laughed into the air

Your giggles sounding like a song atsumu always wanted to play through his headphones when he would walk to school

His body thinking before his mind as he stood up and ran again towards the team “ Guys their — I did it again and you all saw — i’m amazing “

he fell forward again but this time just lying there as he mumbled into the ground

“ their totally in love with me — I made ‘em laugh not once but twice in a row —I got a real shot now“

Aran

-I don’t know much about him because I haven’t finished haikyu! I just know what i’ve gathered from short clips or from what i’ve seen already in the seasons & read in manga but he’s very open minded

-whenever he’s around you he’s always quick to snap and stop someone from telling you that you aren’t allowed to do something because it’s “ not logical “

Your body moved slowly to the gyms exit as you felt a hand come down over your shoulder

“ walk ‘ya home ? “

you looked up face stoic in a slight yes at Arans question

since you’d joined the team as manager you had yet to connect with the other boys only really speaking to Aran and helping him out when he needed it

He came to like being around you because you were a change of pace from his usual one dealing with the twins antics. So it wasn’t that hard to hear him asking to walk you home for the past few nights when practice ran too long

he sighed as he looked down at you “ you never really speak but I feel like your face talks for you “

you looked to the ground as he laughed “ get it because your always stoic —and your face shows noth—ok“

he looked away not hearing your laugh or seeing a smile deciding to cough the atmosphere away “ ok yeah get it “

it wasn’t that you didn’t want to laugh you just couldnt your parents dug into you anytime you went home. Theyd have your head if you didn’t focus only on your studies so, it was hard for you to talk or even be around other people when it wasn’t for class it made you anxious and you weren’t sure how to interact

People took this as you being shy and you weren’t going to explain that you wanted to talk but just didn’t know how

He let his hand fall from your shoulder as the walk soon came to a close him leaving you to walk up to the stairs to your home

“ you may go “ you said softly as he shook his head with a big smile on his face

“ nope not until I know your in your house safely “

you nodded your head as you took a deep breath the door opening before your hand could meet the lock your fathers voice knocking you on your butt

“ who is this — who is he y/n “

“ I-I “

“ I heard more than your voice out here and came to the door “

“ were you waiting up for me “

“ yes you didn’t come home after school today “

“ oh I— there was a math meet i’m sorry “ your father looked away in disgust as you lied

“ your lying to me I called your school and they said you quit mathletes to be a manager of some volleyball club “

you gulped “ I um “

“ why would you do something stupid like that it can’t help you in the future — with your studies “

“ because I um — I like “

you shut yourself up just nodding your head as your father beat into you “ so dumb I thought I raised you correctly it doesn’t matter what you want to do or what’s fun you do what makes you smart and whats logical you do not hold feeli—“

“ I think their happy “ Aran smiled at the scene in front of him “ I think they enjoy being our manager very much “

“ and who told you to spea-“

“ my heart — it guides a person to make decisions ones like I just made — and ones that you made — you want the best for your daughter right “

you fathers actions faltered as Aran continued to press into him “ If you want the best than you have to realize y/n Is tired and she’s not used to friendly interaction — she’s very out of place and uncomfortable around people because she’s only used to school work“

he shook his head in concern “ is this what you want for your child — for your kid to only know how to talk about school and not have a moment where their not spending it thinking about math equations and growing overworked “

“ well I— “

“ on our volleyball team we work ourselves hard yes— but we’ve also become great friends through this hard work we’re happy doing what we do because our hearts led us to do it not our parents “

he looked to you and back to your father as he stood looking up from the bottom of the stairs “ so I ask that you let your child stay on the volleyball team since their heart brought them there to sign up for the job one tuesday afternoon at 3:30 in our gym during our second winning match of the season “

your dad nodded his head in shock as he whispered out an ok

Aran smiling and leaving after waving to you with a short see you tomorrow

Your dad holding the house door open for you as he walked over whispering out to you “ you better marry that boy “ he smiled as he moved through the house

“ he remembered every detail about when he first met you “

I really like the prompt list you reblogged it’s got some good stuff. What about 37. “Because I love you god damn it!” with Loki if you are still needing inspiration.

37) Because I Love You God Damn It!

~~~~

The Secret Is Out

Characters: the Avengers Bunch, Loki, Thor, Clint

Warnings: Dirty words, slight angst

Summary: after putting your life in the line for a teammate you accidentally let a big secret slip.

Announcements: I will always need insperation and requests! They feed my soul! Haha. I'm not gonna lie. Im skipping back and forth on my requests though. I have a really good story line for one but its just so emotional(thats were Im hoping it goes at least) that I didnt want to write it tonight and put my self in a mood. So instead I guess im goimg with a form of anger? Meh. Anyways... I absolutly love love love everything from you guys! The reblogs, likes, and comments are amazing and I am very greatful for all the love I am getting!!!! 💚💚💚💚💚

Loki Masterlist

~~~~

The fight had been rough but not as rough as you were feeling in the moment. You had gotten serverly hurt and had been in the medbay for about a week now and you had a longer road ahead. There had been an explosion and instead of turning to run away you had ran toward one of your team members that had been to distracted to realize what was going on, you had successfully gotten him shoved out of the way but you had taken the brunt of the blast.

Now you were laying here staring at the celing trying to stay distracted as Bruce and Tony looked at your completely shaddered knee and the burns up your leg. Fingers crossed that they would have good news soon.

"Well as of right now kid your out of commission." Tony said helping you sit back up.

"Meaning?" You pulled one of the pillows down so that you could sit up without being uncomfortable.

"Meaning right now, the way it all looks, your gonna be stuck in the bed until it fully heals and after wards theres really no way to tell if your going to be able to work in the field again." Burce said looking at the xrays again. "And your gonna have to have surgery in order to put all the right pieces back in the right places, but we cant really do that until some of the burns heal or at least start to heal. Its gonna be a long drawn out process unfortunately." He sighed setting the charts back down and walking over to you.

"Fucking hell! You mean I'm gonna be pushing paper work? I might as well go work in a damn office with four white walls and a poster that says 'hang in there, its almost Friday'." You placed your head in your hands.

"Hey! At least our paper work is more exciting than just running numbers." Tony said placing a hand on your back. He had been like a fsther to you, taking you in when you didnt have anywhere else to turn except the streets. Your own family had abandoned you at a young age and you had been leaning toward a dark path until Tony. "Besides with your expertise you dont have to sit behind a desk, your fingers arent blown off, you can still hack into stuff I'm sure."

"Tony we had a deal when I moved in. No hacking but you would train me and I could actually do good. Now look at me."

"I said no hacking the good guys, and if I remember correctly you were the one jumping close to the bomb not away from. I hate to be this way y/n but the only one to blame is yourself on this one."

"He would have been worst off than I am if not killed. I think I did the right thing. Besides you would have done the same thing if you had been closer." You sighed.

"Honey the diffrence with that is I have a supersuit, you wear a skin tight, spandex one peice, that I'm not a fan of." He laughted. Bruce had went to go get you some more pain killers to shoot into your IV.

"Tony if I were you I would shut up. Your starting to sound like you might actually love me, might even say your starting to act like a dad." You laughed pulling him into a hug.

"Shut it kid, cant let the others know I have a soft spot for the hacker orphan kid i took in all those years ago now can I." He said kissing the top of your head. "Do you need anything else before the drugs kick in and you pass out again?"

"Yes, can you please bring me my phone charger, laptop, and that really fluffy blanket that you and Pep got for me for Christmas."

"Dont ask to much of me now."

"I wouldnt be asking if you would just let me stay in my room. I hate it down here. I wanna be were the people are." You were starting to get loopy from whatever Bruce had given you.

"Ok little mermaid, get some rest I'll get your stuff." He laughed walking out the door letting you fall into a restless sleep.

You didnt know how long you hade been asleep but you woke up with a groan trying to sit up so you could atleast stretch your back from laying in one spot for to long. You flopped back down dramatically with a sigh. You could sense someine else in the room with you, you always knew when he was around.

"You dont have to hide in the shadows Loki. Your more than welcome to keep me company, you should know that by now." You smiled as the prince walked over and sat in the chair beside you. You could tell he hadnt been sleeping, his hair was fixed as always but his clothes looked worst for wear. He had on a plain black shirt and a pair of gray sweat pants, both of with had wrinkles in them either from tossing and turning or from not being changed in a few days.

"Whats wrong? And dont pull that 'nothing is wrong dear. I'm absolutly fine.' Bullshit. You look horrible." You reatched out to grab his hand. What you and Loki had was diffrent. You didnt just see his as a friend, he didnt just see you as that either though. You had spent many nights sitting up with the silver tounge man many nights laying on the couch watching movies, reading, talking about each of your pasts. He knew more about you than even Tony did.

"I'm still currently trying to wrap my head around why you pushed me out of the way and took the blow when you had a chance of dying from it. You shouldnt have been so thick headed my dear." He took your hand and raised it to his lips kissing the top of your hand.

"Loki." You sighed rolling your head to look back up at the celing. "You would have been hurt alot wordt than I am now, that blast could have killed you."

"I am a god y/n, that blast wouldnt have caused me nearly as much damage as it did you." His voice raised slightly.

"Thats what you think. You think that because you are "immortal" that you can take anything thats thrown at you. That no one really cares about you, that you wouldnt be missed? So why not try to take a blow from a bomb? My god your so stupid sometimes."

"I know I can. Norns y/n I've jumped into space, been brain washed, tried to take over New York, gotten smashed around by the Hulk. I was raised with Thor, he doesnt really go easy on a person. What I'm saying is I dont understand why you, a mear midguardian, would sacrifice themselves for me. If anything would have happened-"

"Nothing did happen though. I'm fine-"

"You have steel sticking from your leg, theres no telling when or even if you'll be able to walk again, and there are highly server burns that will leave scares. You cannot sit there and tell me that you are fine."

"Your right it does suck that I'm jot gonna be able to pull off shorts or a bikini anymore."

"This isnt a joke y/n. You almost died!" He finally yelled.

"And i would do it a thousand times over if that ment saving your damn ass again!" You shouted back.

"Why though?! Why me y/n? I've done horrible things, killed people! My life is meaningless." Tears had sprang to his eyes as he looked away.

"Because I love you God damn it!" You stopped suddenly your jaw dropping at the admission that you hadnt ment for him to hear. His head jerked back to you.

"What?" Shock was all over his face as he stood to walk closer to you. "What did you just say?"

"Because I love you Loki Odinson. Because if you were to die I dont think I would be able to go on living. Because even if you see all the bad things that you've done I can look pass that amd see all the good that you are doing." You reached up placing a hand on his cheek and wiping away a tear.

"I love you too y/n. I have since the day I met you. The girl that didnt care what anyone said when she spent time with me. The girl that can see through every face i put on. I love you so much darling." He placed his hand on your face and leaning down gently kissing your lips.

It felt like you thought it always should you felt electricity run through your body and the two of you connected. It was like getting a breath after not being able to for so long. He pulled away smiling at you.

"What do we tell the others?" He asked laying on with bed with you being easy with your leg. He placed his arm around your middle and pulled you as close as he could.

"I honestly dont care what we tell them. They can figure it out themseves for all I care." You smiled lacing your fingers with his, you yawned placing your head on his shoulder closing your eyes.

"Sleep now my Dove, I will be here when you wake." He felt your gentle breath slow as you fell asleep, the rhythm you of your breath lulling him into his own sleep.

Tony and Bruce walked in the next morning stopping dead at the sight in front of them. You and Loki were still cuddled on the small bed sleeping peacefully.

"Should we wake them up?" Bruce asked looking at Tony.

"Na, let them sleep. Dont want to let them know that we know." Tony saod grabbing Bruce's arm and turning to walk back out of the door.

~~~~

Tag List:

@kgirardin

@sophlubbwriting

@supbeeches

@high-functioning-lokipath

MBTI✨A Small World✨ pt. 1

(follow up to One Letters Difference)

intp (the logician)

+

intj (the architect)

best friends

(ft. intj x enfp dating/ & entp (the debater) friend)

--------------------------------

[at a whiskey bar in the city]

intp: [enters looking around for intj. texts them. intj reports they're on their way. panics for a couple seconds then proceeds to the bar. in need of liquor to deal with social situations also is friends with bartender.]

entp bartending: oh hey man, what are you doin here??

intp: hey, i'm uh waitin for intj...

entp: you sound super excited about it 😂

intp: we're supposed to meet enfp and their friends here... apparently enfp is setting me up with one of their friends 🙄

entp: *cackles* you?! a blind date?! oh my god, i'm definitely getting someone to cover for me so i can see this train wreck.

intp: thank you for your kind and helpful words in this trying time [fake smiles]🙂... ugh i know, just get me the whole bottle of vodka now...

entp: [laughs a little] one vodka sprite gotchu. [starts to make drink]

intp: [texts intj again. intj reports they're still almost there] *sighs*

entp: *hands intp their drink* oh boy, don't look, but there's a hottie headed this way.

intp: wait what [genuinely confused on what entp is trying to communicate]

entp: try and act like a normal human in three two...

intp: [crazy eyes and furrowed brow] what? do what?

entp: ... one... [walks a little ways away but still in ear shot]

mystery hottie: [comes up next to intp] [super charming and suave] tell me... what is the absolute worst pick up line you've ever heard?

intp: [shocked but relieved by the lack of standard small talk] umm... aha... worst? um- that's hard- i mean no! that wasn't a pick line i've heard! no ones ever told me "that's hard" aha um- *clears throat* i just mean i've- i've heard a lot of bad ones so it's uh difficult to choose just one [nervous laughs]

mystery hottie: [giggling at intp's awkwardness]... worst one i've heard probably has to be "do you believe in love at first sight or should i walk past you again" to which i replied, oh please walk by again, so i can stick out my foot and trip you.

intp: [genuinely laughs] 😆 i always hated the "do i know you from somewhere"? i usually like to reply to that one with something weird like yeah remember the person who was all over the news a few years ago for going crazy and ax murdering a family of six... [gets uncomfortable realizing they've probably freaked the mystery hottie out]🤦‍♀️🤦

mystery hottie: [bursts out in cackle]🤣

intp: [completely shock the mystery person thought that was funny, also likes their laugh. still unaware if this is flirting or they're just making conversation] [laughs a little too]

mystery hottie: i'm totally stealing that by the way. [sips drink]

intp: [smiles but is unsure if they should ask mystery hottie for their name or how to proceed in general] [gets a text from intj that they're here] oh um i'm sorry my um- friend who i was waiting for and has horrible timing apparently aha um is here so i have to um- sorry

mystery hottie: saved by the bell,😏 see ya around

intp: [nervous laugh] yeah totally [walking backward trying to wave casually, bumps into person behind them] oh sorry! [looks back to mystery hottie] um yeah see ya ha 👋😬

[meets intj at other end of the bar where entp is giving intj a drink]

intp: what took you so long?! someone started talking to me!

entp: ahaha yeah ya know when i said try and be a human did you hear be awkward and strange 😂 cuz that was brutal

intp: 😑🖕

intj: [laughing a little] [in a sarcastic tone] well it does sound like a true living hell but i couldn't help it there was traffic. [looking down at phone] oh enfp is here, they brought two of their friends... and got a table in the back.

intp: two?!

intj: [ignores intp.] entp, are you gonna join us or are you working all night.

entp: yes and yes [wide devious smile]

intj: oh my god how have you not been fired yet...?

entp: i know where all the bodies are burried 😈

intj: [chuckles] ok c'mon intp.

intp: two?!

[as they're walking toward the back]

intj: what?

intp: you said enfp brought TWO friends which one are they setting me up with?!

intj: setting you up with? oh, the matchmaking crap, i forgot about that. well i don't know, i'm sure enfp will tell us.

intp: [panic voice] you forgot?! i thought it was only reason i was here?!

intj: or may be they want you to have options, i don't what goes through their mind.

intp: oh great the only thing i worse at than awkward small talk conversations is decision making. oh my god entp was right this going to be a train wreck. this is why i hate set ups!

intj: oh would you relax you're so dramatic. fake smile, drink some vodka, you'll live.

[coming up to enfp & friends table]

enfp: heyyyyy guys! glad you made it! [kisses intj on the cheek. goes to hug intp]

intp: oh ok so we're hugging... that's... fine. [awkward side hug, pulls away quickly]

enfp: oh i want you guys to meet my friends, this is esfj and estp, and this is intj .... and their friend intp 😁 [looks at intp and subtly points to esfj to inform thats their set-up] 

estp: supppp guysss👋😎

esfj: [hugging intj] so nice to finally meet you! enfp has told us so much about you!

intj: like what?

[esfj and enfp glance in confusion to one another. both just start laughing]

[intj looks at intp like what the fuck, intp shrugs]

esfj: [hugs intp] nicccce to me you too!

intp: 🥴 [awkwardly hugs back]

esfj: [turns back towards group] so should we get a round of drinks? what does everyone want?! c'mon let's get this night goin!? huh?! 😃

estp: yeahhhhh!

intp: [whispers] ugh kill me.

intj: [elbows intp in the arm]

intp: [mouths] owe!

[after they all get their first round of drinks🍹🍸🍺🍷🥃]

esfj: so intj, enfp tells me you're an architect that sounds exciting!

intp: [snorts holding in a laugh]

intj:[glances evil eye at intp]... i'm not sure exciting is the correct adjective for describing architecture. but if you're referring to my own opinion on my career field, i find it quite intriguing and... fulfilling.

esfj: 😐

enfp: 🤦😄

estp: [not paying attention chugging beer] [bleches loudly]😵🤤

intj: [looks at estp] 🤨🤢

[voice comes from behind enfp]: enfp?!

enfp: [turns quickly, sees mystery hottie] oh my god! what are you doing here! [hugs]

intp: 😳 [whispers to intj] oh my god that's the one who just started talking to me earlier.

intj: [develops evil little idea]😈

mystery hottie: [to enfp] i was just stopping in for a drink or two after work. it's funny i was actually going to text you and see what you were doing tonight.

enfp: ahaha that's so funny! [turns to group with a hand on mystery hottie's back] guys! this is my good friend entj! we went to high school together! [starts pointing at each person introducing them] entj, this is esfj and estp my besties and coworkers and this my intj 🥰 and this is their best friend intp.😁

entj: [sees intp again] well well well, this is a small world. 😏

intp: [nervous laughs]

intj: entj, you should join us.

enfp: yes! oh my god totally!

intp: 😳 [whispers to intj] i hate you.

intj: 😈

entj: [looks intp in the eyes] oh i would love to 😏

intp: 🥴

to be continued...

THANK YOU FOR SAYING THAT ABT THE BSD MANGA ILY THANK YOU I FEEL LIKE MY OPINION IS FINALLY VALIDATED WHICH IS: BSD has turned meh. I have become indifferent towards the plot due to the fact there are no real stakes - I feel like the OP characters like Dazai will always have a solution with a deus ex machina feel to it, making it impossible for me to care. With the recent chaos happening in the manga (I too gave up on the manga a year or so ago!), I was baffled to find out I could no longer enjoy it. My memory is poor, and I can't really pinpoint it at the moment, but BSD just... doesn't engage me as it used to. Keep in mind I was an obsessive fan of it and analyzed it to the tiniest details, but all of my great love for the series has long died, sadly. But! I am glad to hear you feel similarly about it because, yes, the potential was there, but it got terribly wasted.

Bruh don't I feel it, me and @autumn-foxfire have like monthly bitch sessions about the state of bsd at this point. I was also super invested in it in initial arcs (Up until the guild arc ended) and then slowly started petering off only to drop it the first time around the hunting dogs introduction. Then after some time i was like okay ill go give it a second shot, came to the vampire arc went 'wow this is really fuckin stupid' and dropped it again. Idk will I pick it up again, maybe I'll just stick to being an anime only, even tho I also have problems with some adaptation things but that's BESIDES THE POINT.

Please click under for The Point

The thing about Kafka is: He's really good at coming up with interesting concepts and ideas and REALLY BAD at executing them in any sort of satisfying way. Like, when I say I only like bsd until the end of the guild arc, I don't mean it was perfect. It could have handled it's female cast better, it would have been fun to see more mafia and agency team ups besides soukoku and shin soukoku, I still don't get why shin soukoku is supposed to be a replacement in training since Dazai and Chuuya still work together perfectly and even if they hate each other they hate each other less than Akutagawa and Atsushi AND have way more experience fighting together but that once again is besides the point. The point being those arcs of bsd were SATISFYING. We got introduced to two organizations, seen them butt heads and then have them forced to work together against a common enemy. It's very simple but it's effective and it's satisfying.

And then the rats struck.

While up until then bsd wasn't perfect it was fun and had lovable characters and an interesting plot and engaging dynamics. Rats arc wasn't horrible per say, the idea of the cannibalization was really fun (Though I think Kafka should have used it to get rid of Mori, nobody fuckin likes Mori) but this is where we slowly get introduced to what I think are two main failings of Kafka's writing: That he's unable to handle characters properly and that he likes writing smart things but doesn't know how to write smart things.

Kafka has a very, very bad habit of INTRODUCING TOO MANY FUCKING CHARCTERS. Every arc is a new massive group with like a bunch of members, one of who may actually end up being fleshed out before they are inventiblely replaced by another large group or maybe two why the fuck not. The mafia and the guild left lasting impressions on me and I can still name all the main members but fuck me if i know a single rat aside from Fyodor (AND ILL GET TO FYODOR). Kafka feels like someone who's idea of rising conflict is 'introduce a bigger enemy each time' and it's just so annoying. Chapters and arcs end up centering around these groups of new characters while old characters, who we loved the manga for, just fall into obscurity. He almost had me in the hunting dogs arc by giving Yosano a backstory. I was so excited! I was like!!! finally development for the agency!!! But that barely went anywhere did it. I've talked about this with Foxy but it really feels like Kafka is just BORED of the og characters and is trying to silently sideline them for his new shiny characters. When's the last time we saw Chuuya again, you know, the ex partner of one of the series protagonists? The next predicted mafia head? Is he important? Foxy tells me Dazai's been sidelined too, fUCKIN DAZAI, for a good while I was sure Kafka liked Dazai a lot better than Atsuhi for protagonist and now he's getting sidelined. I know bsd is still really popular in japan but at this point i think it would have been more merciful for Kafka to just end bsd and start a new manga with new characters instead of doing whatever weird metamorphosis this is turning out to be.

Introducing new characters isn't a bad thing of course, but bsd has become mcdonalds of new characters. They are cheap and disposable. I can't feel anything for them because I know nine times out of ten they'll barely make any impact and they'll disappear as soon as the new group slides in. When adding new characters you should do so while knowing what role those characters will play in your plot, what will they bring. If a character is just there to waffle around until they get shoved away they should probably be cut because they are wasting time and space. AND YOU SHOULDN'T SIDE LINE YOUR CORE CAST FOR UR SHINY NEW CHARACTERS YOU'LL GET BORED OF IN COUPLE OF ARCS ANYWAY, ARE YOU A TODDLER???

I still think that bsd could have been SO much better if instead of focusing on the next big evil group they just focused on shifting tension between the agency and the mafia. I mean they've had to team up for the guild and then they immediately got thrown into the cannibalization. It would have been interesting to see them pull against and pull towards those ties made during the guild arc when they are forcefully pitted against each other again (and decide that killing mori would be in everyone's best interest). Instead we got, idk I already forgot what the rats arc ended up being about, atsushi and aku team up again yadda yadda yadda, Chuuya gets done dirty and never recovers, Fyodor ruins Dazai

SO ABOUT FYODOR. As I said, Kafka strikes me as someone who REALLY likes to write geniuses and who wants people to think he's super smart but also has no idea how to show his work. At first this was okay. We had Dazai and Ranpo who were very good at pushing the plot along and sometimes you'd get explained how they got to that conclusion and sometimes you didn't but it usually wasn't a big deal. But then the writing became more and more and more of 'well he's smart so he figured it out so just trust me' without actually explaining anything and as you said, it ended up feeling boring, unengaging and very deus ex machina. You know what Kafka's writing reminds me off? That video about how Sherlock is so happy to stroke itself to how smart they look while never showing their work, you know the one. Kafka likes writing smart characters but doesn't actually know how to write smart characters so instead of giving us reasons and clues and explanations to how they come to some conclusion, how they predicted or planned or whatever, he just goes 'oh well they are super smart so they figured it out'. I don't think I need to explained why this is bad, annoying and unengaging writing. This is why i say Fyodor ruined Dazai for me, Dazai was fine as a genius but then they had to pit him against Fyodor who's another genius and things just got ridiculous. You know how in that sherlock video the guy points out the one scene that encapsulates every irritating thing about sherlocks writing. This had been it for me and BSD (thank you Foxy for helping me find the panels)

THATS NOT HOW CODES WORK, THATS NOT HOW ANYTHING WORKS, THEY WOULD JUST BE COMING UP WITH TWO DIFFERENT SETS OF CODES HERE. Even if they were both smart enough to remember every conversation in detail, how on earth are they supposed to 'guess out' what the other means. How are they supposed to confirm or deny that's what a certain word means in a way that can be understood, how can they even guess what the word the other guessed is IF THEY ARE BOTH TALKING IN CODE. KAFKA'S ANSWER: THEY'RE MONSTERS, THEY ARE JUST THAT SMART, NO NEED TO EXPLAIN IT BECAUSE THEY ARE JUST THAT SMART AND THAT'S YOUR SOLUTION AND THAT'S BULLSHIT. This scene broke bsd in half for me and honestly made me dislike Dazai for a long time (I got better), but it honestly shows so well how Kafka wanted to make his characters so smart he actually made his manga really fuckin stupid, ruining very good and interesting concept he had started with.

In the end, Kafka writes how I wrote when I was 15. With no idea where the plot is headed, adding new characters and situations whenever it strikes his fancy whether they work for the story or not, ending up just flopping around plot holes and fizzled out character arcs and boring ass writing. And that's fine for a 15yr old writing fanfiction. It's not fine for a presumably grown ass published author of a relatively popular manga.

Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk.

What Your Father Says | JJ Maybank

Summary: The dynamic between you and JJ was an odd one, you were always fighting and never dating but actions speak louder than words. With all the fighting a fake hatred you pushed away the thought that you could ever be in love with him. 

Inspired by: What Your Father Says - The Vamps

Warnings: Swearing, slight smutty content (?), drug mentions, thats it ?? 

Word Count: 3.7K

Masterlist

Is it a bad time to tell you I love you When I'm watching you walk away?

You and the Maybank boy always had a complicated relationship. You were never dating, but there was an unspoken thing upon you. No other guy even tried with you because the blonde always had his arm around you, ready to start a fight with any guy who looked at you the wrong way. But you two always bickered about anything. There wouldn’t go a day where you had not argued with JJ over something, no matter how small and irrelevant it was. 

“I just don’t understand why you always pick a fight with any dude who even looks at me,” You argued as you walked down the street, slightly tipsy, having left a party in a fit of anger. JJ held your heels in his hand as he walked with you. “I’m just trying to protect you,” He argued back, “You know how the Kooks,” You shook your head, “You don’t know that about all of them,” Even though you knew he had a point you continued to argue, too heated in the moment. “You know what, fuck you JJ,” You yelled, grabbing your heels from his hand. “I can take care of myself, you know, I don’t need you by my side all the time.”  JJ knew why he always walked you home from every group outing or party, no matter how close to your home you were, he wanted more time with you, even if all you did was argue. You were a firecracker, unpredictable, and he loved that about you. But he was too stubborn to admit it and you were to blind to see it. 

A bad time to tell you I need you When he's made up his mind again

The timing was always off, as though every force of one earth wanted you to suffer. Every time you told the blonde boy, you refused to admit you loved, to fuck off. He would. You’d find him a few days later macking on some Touron at John B’s house. But they would never stick around after seeing the way you glared at them, leading to another fight between you. 

“Why do you even care anyway?” JJ yelled at you down by the dock, while the group sat on John B’s porch watching the two of you. “Because you’re just using them!” You’d yell back. This argument was had so many times over, the two of you had your replies ready to fire at one another like you were delivering lines in a play. “You’re just mad all my attention wasn’t on you for once,” You rolled your eyes at his ridiculous reply, “That’s not true,” You said taking a step closer.“So you weren't making faces in the corner every time I looked at her?” The boy challenged, raising an eyebrow at you “I thought you weren’t paying attention to me?” The distance between the two of you was hardly enough for either of you to take a full breath. “And I thought you didn’t need me all the time,” JJ smirked down at you, taking the final step to close the distance between the two of you.  You couldn't take it any longer, fighting with him when the moonlight was hitting his every feature making him look like some kind of greek god. Your eyes faltered in holding his stair, something that didn’t go unnoticed by the taller boy, when your gaze remained on his lips he closed the rest of the space in between you two, crashing down on your lips. Kissing you with force and spite, igniting all of your senses as his hands gripped your waist tightly and your arms came to rest behind his neck, one hand finding home in his hair, tugging softly and pulling a soft moan out of his throat. 

The walk back to your place was more of a run, both of you eager to have the other undressed. This was normally how your fights about his other girls ended. Both of you in your room with the door locked, pulling your clothes off in an excited frenzy. Before you knew it you were being pinned down, with him on top of you. A reoccurring hookup backed by annoyance as a form of makeup sex. 

Don't be cruel to me All I do is believe

The mornings after were when your head filled with ideas of you and the blonde boy as you laid with your head on his chest, admiring the way his messy hair fell over his forehead in the few minutes you had before he woke up after you. Thoughts of calling him yours spiraled around your head as you began to recall the actions of last night. Strings of profanities left your lips that would leave your christian grandmother in shock that her innocent granddaughter could ever say such a thing

“Good morning,” JJ said with his sleepy morning voice as he sat back against your headboard “Morning,” You mumbled back with a content smile on your face. “What?” He asked, with a teasing smile You’d shake your head as you whispered a quiet ‘You’re cute,’ to him that would make him pull you into his chest once more before slipping out of your bed and gathering his clothes up from your floor. It was always hard seeing him go, you wanted so badly to ask him to stay for breakfast so you could savor a few more sleepy minutes with him in bed but that always seemed to be off limits. Hookups shouldn’t stick around in the morning, it was common sense, but he was more than just a hookup.

That it's a bad time to tell you to trust me When I'm getting my story straight

You were always the one to flip out on JJ after he had done something stupid and reckless, even though you were a complete hypocrite with how reckless you were, some would argue you were worse than JJ but you just got away with more because of the way you could sweet talk the authorities. 

“Why do you even have a gun JJ?” You sighed, going at him once you got back at John B’s from the boneyard party.“I-I found it. Yeah, I found it,” He stuttered, “I was going to turn it in but then,” He paused, thinking of his story as you put your hands on your hips, waiting for him to get it straight, “I thought it would label me as a suspect for something,” You rolled your eyes, “How do you expect me to believe that when you’re clearly making it up on spot?” “What would you rather hear?” He shouted back “The truth!” 

A bad time to kick up a fuss When it's only ever me to blame You're confused about me

“Fine, I took it from the motel room John B and I found the key to!” “So you’re breaking and entering now too? Great” You scoffed, “What do you expect me to do if you go to jail? You know I can’t get you out of that, JJ!” “I never asked for you to do that for me!” He yelled, “I never asked to be your problem, or something that you have to fix.” His words caught in his throat and tears brimmed his eyes.  You ran over, hugging him tightly as the once noisy atmosphere seemed deadly quiet now, not even a cricket made a noise as JJ let out a sob.  “I never asked for you to fix me,” He mumbled against your neck “I know,” You nodded, knowing your words crossed a line. 

No matter how big the argument was, you never left the other person crying. Having crossed lines many times before, there were many nights JJ spent rubbing your back as you sobbed into his chest over something he said out of anger that he didn’t mean, and there had been even more when you spent doing the same thing with JJ. Most times this would end in one of you falling asleep in the others arms. 

All the rumours getting through 'Cause he heard that I'm bad news, oh baby

Your father, although he wanted the best for you, kept it open that he disliked your friends. But mostly JJ, always telling you he would end up like his father and that you shouldn’t be around him because of all the trouble he gets into, even though you’re normally the one to do something that the Maybank takes the fall for. You always got lectured from your dad after coming home, smelling like weed from smoking with JJ, it was a never ending speech that you could recite from memory now. It didn’t matter if you had heard it a thousand times before, every time he smelt it on you, you were sat down in the living room so he could go off about the negative side effects of marijuana once more.  The angrier your father got with you for keeping the blonde as a friend, the more you brought him around. Most times bringing JJ back to your place was to either continue a fight the two of you had been having at John B’s but ended up getting kicked or to make up for him macking on other girls after you told him to fuck off.  There was an endless cycle of your father telling you to stop bringing him around but never actually doing anything when you did have the boy around.

Forget what your father says I'm throwing stones at your windowpane

A small argument broke out as you had JJ in your room for the night, but had been quickly resolved when you shut him up by kissing him, and so began your makeup. The blonde boy had pulled you over his lap while he sat against your headboard. There was a knock on your door that you ignored, thinking you had locked it, but being horrible wrong. Your father walked in, throwing JJ out immediately and grounding you. Taking away your phone and leaving you to sleep, but not before giving you the same lecture about why he didn’t like your friends and how he only wanted the best for you. 

You were tossing and turning in your bed as the clock struck 12:00AM, not being able to sleep having not finished what you and your blonde started. 

tap… At first you thought you had just been hearing things, the wind knocking a tree branch against the side of your house or the floor creaking from the house settling. But two more taps from outside caught your attention. 

Tap...tap...tap Throwing your comforter back and throwing open your curtains, seeing JJ standing a few feet away from your first floor window. He was almost hidden in the darkness, accept for the blue light the moon shot down on him. 

“Its late,” You said after opening your window.  “I know,” He nodded, “I just wanted to see how you were after this afternoon. You know, with your dad,” He seemed nervous, his gaze never settling on you as he watched the toe of his shoe crush a dandelion. You smiled slightly, “I’m okay, J”  “O-okay,” He nodded, “I should- I should get going,” He stuttered. His sudden nervousness making you chuckle.  “Let's take a walk,” You offered  “Thought you couldn’t leave the house?” His signature JJ smirk settling upon his features  “When has that ever stopped me?” You laughed as you slid out of your window. 

'Cause a boy like me and a girl like you Got no degrees and a lot to prove

It seemed these midnight rendezvous had been the only thing keeping you sane as you lived under watch of your father for the next week. The only contact you had with any of your friends had been with the one who was the cause of your grounding. Every night as the clock struck 12:00 rocks began hitting your window, small taps pulling you out of your boredom. The Maybank stood outside your window, watching you slip out your window with a mischievous grin plastered on his face upon seeing the clothing you slept in, or rather the lack thereof. Being with JJ became a point to prove, your father could try but he could never separate you. 

Says that you're wrong for me Fuck what your father says

You laughed as you walked the moon lit beach,  the summer breeze blowing your hair behind you. With the moon lighting up your face, the boy couldn’t help falling even more in love with you as you stood in front of him in just a small tank top and a pair of short adidas shorts. 

“You know what my father says about you?” You teased, walking closer to him “What's that?” JJ asked, smiling You placed your hands on either side of him, grabbing the railing of the gazebo, “He says you’re a bad influence,” You chuckled, rolling your eyes slightly  “Fuck what he says,” JJ mumbled as his hands came to rest on your hips You nodded, “Fuck what he says,” Repeating his words before connecting your lips to his. This was the first kiss you two had shared that wasn’t backed with rage. As you let yourself relax into him your heart fluttered, and your head was dizzy, feeling like you were on cloud nine. 

Is it the good time, sneak in the back door When your dad's at work all day?

After your grounding your father thought he had been rid of the blonde, only being rid of what he saw. You snuck the boy into your room knowing your dad had been off work for the past hour, knowing you could be caught in a moment's notice. The thrill of being caught, just by having him in your room excited you to no end. Your hookups became more frequent now as you began sneaking around your father. Every encounter with him now, filled you with excitement and adrenaline, feeling like you had been drugged but it was pure adoration 

A good time to lean in and kiss you When he's not up in your face

Deciding to give the Maybank another chance, thinking they just got off on the wrong foot, your father invited JJ over for dinner. You knew it would end horribly, it always did. As your father turned his back to clear the plates in the garbage before bidding your boy a goodnight you tugged him into you, kissing him hard. Right when you thought you had heard every lecture your father could possibly come up with, you were ripped a new one when he turned around seeing you borderline making out with JJ at the dinner table. Whispering to JJ that you would see him later tonight before dragging your teeth over his ear, driving him crazy. 

You're confused about me All the rumours getting through Because he heard that I'm bad news, oh baby

Although the excitement had worn out from sneaking out with him, you didn't stop. Sometimes it felt like the only time you didn’t fight was when you were both already too tired from the day but couldn't stay away from each other. You argued all day, but laughed and smiled through the night. Neither of you were sure what to make of it anymore, what you had was definitely more than what most people would consider friendly but you didn’t want to address it, fearing it would end in a fight that you might not be able to make up from. 

You had never been confused about the status of your relationship, but as days passed you started to wonder. 

Was he just a forum of getting back at your dad? Did you even feel anything besides annoyance for JJ? Could you talk about this without it ending in a fight?

Forget what your father says I'm throwing stones at your windowpane 'Cause a boy like me and a girl like you Got no degrees and a lot to prove Says that you're wrong for me Forget what your father says

A smile tugged at your mouth seeing your boy standing outside your window holding a six pack and blanket.  The two of you sat at the beach. The blanket, JJ brought, acting as a barrier between you and the sand. You were half way through the pack of beer he brought. The thoughts that consumed you for the past few weeks getting the best of you as you looked out over the waves that crashed onto shore. 

“S’wrong?” JJ asked, nudging your shoulder with his  You shook your head, pulling you back to reality and out of your head, “Nothing,” You forced a smile, hoping he would drop it before your mask faltered. “You sure?” He asked, “You look distracted,”  Finally you blurted it out, you weren't sure if it was because he was pulling it out of you or if it was because of the slight buzz you were running on, “What are we?” You asked

The question caught JJ by surprise, looking at you as if it was the most obvious thing in the world, “Friends,” He answered as more of a question. You shook your head not being happy with his answer, “Friends don’t fuck, JJ” You said dryly“Friends with benefits,” He smirked, thinking you’d be happy now but when the serious look remained on your face he frowned, shrugging off his last answer. “I don’t know,” He sighed You leant against him, resting your head on his shoulder. “Do we need to answer this now?” JJ asked quietly“No,” You whispered going back to enjoying his company in the dark of the night while the waves crashed onto shore.

Told me he don't like my hair, he don't like my music Told me that I better run otherwise he'll lose it And if I want his daughter's love I better start praying So all that I keep saying to her

It was only a matter of time before your midnight rendezvous were cut short. You were caught sneaking back into your window at 5:00AM. Your father sitting both you and JJ down this time, yelling at you together. You noticed how the yelling made him flinch, offering your hand to the boy beside you as your father went off, as he normally did. 20 minutes later you were released from what felt like a backyard army boot camp from all the yelling. You grabbed a bag, filling it with some clothes as you followed JJ to John B’s. You had no plans of staying at your house in the following days, giving your dad space to calm down, not being able to forgive him for yelling at JJ especially after how he flinched each time your father took a step towards you. 

Forget what your father says I'm throwing stones at your windowpane 'Cause a boy like me and a girl like you Got no degrees and a lot to prove Says that you're wrong for me

“Fuck what he says!” JJ yelled at you, another fight broke out, the second in the day. “Who said you need him? You’re doing fine on your own!”  “I can’t continue to couch surf at John’s, JJ” You sighed. This fight broke out after you said you were going home tonight, not out of your own will but you were out of clean clothes, and you needed to make up at some point “Then you can take Big John’s bed, I’ll take the couch,” JJ pleaded “Why do you care so much about it? He’s my dad, and it's my choice,” You fired back  “Because I care about you!” He finally admitted, making you stop in your tracks as you were turning to walk away, “I care about you, and the way he yells at you like that isn't right,” JJ repeated. 

His words played over in your head, ‘Because I care about you,’ you were almost speechless. 

“What did you say?” You asked  “I don’t like the way he yells at you,”  “No,” You shook your head, “Before that, the thing about caring?”  Understanding what you meant he nodded, “Was it not obvious?” You shook your head. “What, you think I would share my good stuff with just anyone?” JJ asked with a laugh as all the time he told the cops it was him stealing or drinking to protect you. It all hit you so fast. How were you so blind? All this time as you were ignoring and denying your feelings for him, you were too worried about yourself you could never catch his feelings for you. 

Just like a scene straight out of a romantic movie you closed the distance between you, your one hand cupping his cheek as the other rested behind his neck, pulling him into you. You kissed him tenderly and softly, for what felt like a minute but hadn’t been anything more than a few seconds. Pulling away you looked into his blue eyes, 

“Fuck what my father says, Yeah?” You smiled, asking with a nod. His hands slipped into the back pockets of your shorts, pulling you impossible close.  “Fuck what your father says,” JJ repeated, his lips ghosting over yours as he spoke.

As you finally let yourself admit you loved the blonde boy who was kissing you hardly like you were going to slip between his fingertips, you felt yourself falling madly in love with him. Smiling into the kiss when you knocked his hat off so you could run your fingers through his hair. 

It was the perfect ending for you two. Finally able to call him yours. Hiding your face in his neck when your friends started whooping and clapping for you from the porch. 

Forget what your father says I'm throwing stones at your windowpane 'Cause a boy like me and a girl like you Got no degrees and a lot to prove Says that you're wrong for me Forget what your father says Forget what your father says Forget what your father says

okay so the most garden ladies are nice but there's two women who just hate me because I'm a disobedient little goblin and I am kinda enjoying it bc it's nice to be hated without any real potential for harm.

The lady gardening right next to me, she has some very fixed ides about how things should be done and is sure that she Knows BestTM and gives me directions about how I HAVE TO garden, or else it will all fail for me, according to her. I come in that garden filled with ideas I found on youtube and online articles and literally do nothing the "right way".

Recently she's been criticizing my every move, apparently my idea to plant potatoes far apart to save them from bugs will actually cause my tomatoes to get eaten by potato bug, my soil is just "not good enough" and I'm doing it wrong by mulching so much (I'm the only one who mulches), I'm never throwing slugs away far enough (I walk like half a mile before throwing them in the wilderness but she wants me to kill them instead and I don't kill animals), and I'm wrong for making my own choices abt where to plant things.

We had a conversation about "no dig garden" a while ago and she heard about it and thought it was stupid and impossible. I shrugged and kept piling up composted leaves, straw, hay and mulch on my garden, until the first few level of topsoil was just compost I didn't need to dig thru it to plant anymore. She noticed and I think it rubbed her very wrong I just barged in there with zero experience, achieved good soil out of dense clay and don't even have to dig anymore, while doing the exact opposite of what she's been telling me to do. So she's trying to prove to me that it "actually sucks" because "there's still clay underneath" but every single plant has been doing well, I barely have any weeds to pull out and my top soil doesn't get damaged by sun, wind or any bad weather, actually it's insulated by straw so temperature changes wont affect roots.

She was also one of the people to tell me I "can't grow broccoli myself, I have to buy transplants" and said it over and over and then I grew them myself and they were big and fed me for months. My ego has been feeling very good about it. I think maybe hers isn't doing so well, but you know?? If your pride depends on a rando not doing as you say and succeeding... you gotta deal with that lmao. Kudos for sticking to tradition but I'm gonna use every new discovery about gardening to succeed and will ignore all of "advice" that is just a poorly disguised attempt to scare me into thinking I'm doing things wrong by refusing to obey. Had enough of that from abusive parents.

Another lady who hates me is an elderly lady with a weird vibe, literally tried to order me around the second she met me, and I was to assume it was "for my own good". My disobedient ass would die out of spite before being ordered around for anyone's good. I was sitting down in the grass as it's one of my happiness activities and she got behind me and went "Get up." And I play into assuming she means well and explain, No, this cannot harm me, I am perfectly content, did this all my life, wont get sick. And she wont accept it. She told me to get up 5 times, very aggressively, before I finally went "You're going to have to bring in 20 people to carry me. Nobody can force me." And the fact I had to go that far to get her off my case alarms me. What kind of self-justified do you have to be to insist on controlling a person you just met! She wouldn't even look at me after that. I am also enjoying that bc I managed to repel that particular bad vibe away from myself. I heard her ask crazy invasive questions to other ladies and they answer! What a crazy thing to do.

I still have to say, their conversation methods are far advanced to what m*n have been saying, apparently if they're walking by me working they expect a conversation and this is their starters: "Is it growing? What is that? Are you gardening? What are you doing? Is that doing well?" And I'm literally.. like what.. do you want me to say??? The plant is RIGHT THERE YOU CAN SEE ITS DOING WELL. IT IS OBVIOUSLY GROWING. ITS A FCKING SUNFLOWER. I AM OBVIOUSLY GARDENING. It's lower than toddler level communication. They will just throw the "blarafgbdsdfg tell me things like I'm a baby" and expect me to play along. THESE ARE ALL OLD CREEPS. And I just refuse to look at them until they go away. One of them dared to go "hey babe" at me and got the "we will not talk further" and withdrew.

I can't differentiate between them bc they all say equally idiotic shit so I have no clue how many are there. Some of them stare from a distance and I ignore them, then come closer and ask me shit, like I was just pulling up grass today and a creepy guy was like "are you pulling up grass?" like oh my god, I'm supposed to deal with that???? I'm supposed to act like this is a thing a person older than 2 can say to me??? and if I say "no, I'm cleaning the chimney" they think I'm making a joke and not telling them they're being stupid! god... it feels like being predated on every single time, thats the only reason why they don't feel like fucking idiots and don't care just how horrible they are at socialization or how much they're embarrassing themselves and obviously annoying me by saying stupid shit at me, it's only because they're never trying to start up a conversation, they're just there to force a prey to react to them, I'm the amusement, the fact that I have to listen to most idiotic shit said on earth is the amusement. I need the goddess of soil to open up the earth and swallow them whole every time they feel like opening their disgusting mouths in my direction.

I know I went against everyone in this post but listen, these two ladies, we hate each others as equals, there is no predator-prey stuff going around, there is no "me being afraid to retaliate" when they're telling me stuff I don't want to be hearing, I never  worry they'll trample my plants, I never have to be self-conscious of what I'm doing when they're watching me, I never once felt any danger or chance of violence while talking to them. I don't dislike their hatred because I'm still human in their eyes, and I can repel their entitlement with a bit of harsh words. For m*n tho? Nothing will ever repel their entitlement. Nothing will make them go after ther own business. Nothing they ever said to me regarded me as an equal or a human being. I was approached as a toy and nothing more. And even though all I want is for them to turn around, leave, and never look at me again, it's not safe to ask for it, nor would I get that. In fact, them knowing just how badly I want to be left alone will make it more amusing to invade in my presence, to rid me of pleasure of gardening in peace. It's not safe to do anything but pretend to be a boring rock they can't get any amusement from, and wait for them to leave. That's what you have to do when a goddamn bear attacks you. I hate it so much. I need to be growing my food in a space with no human predators. Mean ladies still invited. I will not listen to them tho.

you've silenced the great richie tozier!

request: I love your writings! You said you will write for all of the losers? Would you write a Richie x reader where the reader is an even bigger trash mouth and he’s like oh thats super hot?

A/N: Bonsoir, ladies and gents. Saturday, 19:45. Starting a little earlier, yay. Really wanna finish this tonight. I've watched 3 horror movies today, jesus christ. + Now I'm home alone. Now it's Sunday, haha. My eyes are tired from crying (I watched Chapter Two again and cried everything out). But I wanna finish this, I hope I do. Yah, lol, I didn't even live up to my own expectations. It's Tuesday and I really hope I actually finish and post this tonight. Happy reading!

warnings: strong language, horrible jokes cause I'm no comedian in all actuality.

IT masterlist

main masterlist

gif credit goes to owner, which isn't me!

“Beats spending it inside your mother.” Richie's exclaims and raises a hand for Stanley to high-five, but the boy brings it down. Last day of school, the boys have emptied their school bags of their contents, and are currently sharing their summer plans.

“Oh, it's Y/N.” Eddie announces, he sees the girl coming towards him and his friends. “Hi, Y/N.” Eddie waves at her and Y/N waves back.

“Hey, virgins.” She greets them with a big smile. The boys respond with quiet “hellos”, and they expect Richie to respond with something in his style of conversation, but there's just a small “hello” from him, too. Bill shows his surprise, looking at Richie with raised eyebrows. Y/N senses the strange silence between the four and scratches the back of her head out of pure nerves. “Why are we all so stiff? Playing manikins?”

“Yeah, haven't heard of the new play? The plot is set in a clothing store.” Richie says, his tongue back to work. Y/N narrows her eyes at the boy.

“And I assume you'll be playing the guy who gets a wardrobe makeover?” She raises an eyebrow, and eyes Richie up and down. His friends laugh, and for the first time in his life, Richie doesn't have anything to say. Even his friends notice. “So, what are you guys doing today? Last day of school!” Y/N wiggles her eyebrows with a grin on her lips.

“W-we have thuh-the Bar-Barrens.” Bill informs her. “Y-You wanna come al-along?”

“Sure. I've got nothing else to do, anyway.” Y/N shrugs.

“You're so sweet.” Richie says sarcastically.

“No sweeter than your dad's tongue.” She shoots right back, which earns laughter from the other three boys. Richie's quite frozen on the spot from her quick response. He adjusts his glasses. There's many things to say, but none of them cross Richie's mind. And he hates to be losing at a conversation of this sort.

The group of five start to head towards their bikes, though Henry Bowers and his friends are unfortunately in the group's way. First Bowers pushes Richie into Stanley, which causes both boys to fall down. Y/N immediately runs over to them and helps the boys to get back up on their feet.

Once they're up again, Richie and Stan both thank her for it. One boy is more flustered than the other, looking at her with deep red cheeks. Confidently, and without shame, Y/N faces Henry Bowers and shows him her clearly pissed off expression. But the bully isn't looking at her yet. “Hey, Bowers!” She calls out to him. Eddie, Richie, Stan and Bill look to her in a contained panic, and the Bowers gang, all four of them, turn their attention to Y/N, and the main bully sees the angry expression on her face. But it doesn't intimidate him in the slightest. “The fact that you're a dick doesn't make yours bigger.”

“Are you crazy?!” Eddie hisses to her, but Y/N pays no mind to the boy. Eddie's clearly in worry about her further well-being. Henry Bowers starts approaching her, and she stands bravely between her friends, not intimidated. And even though she's not afraid of the bully, she knows she should have kept her mouth shut. Just like Richie, this curse of always spitting out jokes and insults, will get her literally killed one day.

“Your summer will be hell.” Bowers growls. “You'll wish you were never born, you slag.” He tells her.

Y/N still looks at the bully, her slight anger rising more and more in his eyes, and feels a tugging at her skirt. It's Bill, signalling for her that it's time to go, but she doesn't notice him yet. “At least I'm not a failure like you.” She shoots right back at Bowers.

“Fuck!” Richie curses and they have to grab Y/N and make her leave with them a bit forcefully. The only way she could survive now is just to run. She and the boys head in a quick pace to their bikes, they're running as fast as they can, the Bowers gang right behind them. Though it's a little hard for Henry to run when his legs are like wooden sticks.

Though Richie is scared to death to actually get caught by Bowers and for Y/N to have the same destiny, he's very impressed by her. She's just like him, but—wait, could that be possible?—a bigger trashtalker than Richie. Could that really be possible?

He's also a bit jealous of her, but mostly he finds this increased, female-version-of-him Y/N quite… attractive. And not just because she speaks the way he does and because their personalities are basically the same, but also because she's pretty. She's very pretty. Though he feels like her personality bests her looks (No offense, Y/N's face, he thinks). She's magnetic.

“Fuck, I forgot my bike.” Y/N realises a big detail.

“You can ride with me.” Eddie proposes, and Y/N nods. They try to get on their bikes as fast as they can, with Bowers right around the corner.

“Be careful, Eddie, she might give you cooties.” Richie says, already on his bike and waiting for his friends to get started.

“You've already got all of them.” Y/N responds before Eddie can, and the boys laugh, despite their situation.

Y/N gets on the back of Eddie's bike, and off they all go. Bill leads his friends the shortest way to the Barrens, they pedal behind him as fast as they can. Y/N hears Bowers yelling profanities after them, threats that he will find them and make this summer their last.

But the girl only laughs at his threats and yells, and that takes Richie's attention once again. He adjusts his glasses and grins at the girl. She's completely untouched by Bowers and what comes with the name, the fear of him is chained to his last name like a dog to a fence. She's reckless, and she's funny. She's got a strong spirit. And Richie digs that. He hasn't met a girl like her before.

At least one that hangs out with him and his friends, and is, on the inside, a good person. Y/N looks over at Richie. “What are you looking at, Tozier?” She asks. “Glasses don't work? I'm not Diane Lane, sorry, sweetheart.”

The other boys laugh, but Richie's reaction is lesser. There's only a smile on his lips. “You wish.” He says to her, and Y/N sticks out her tongue at him.

“You wish you were Matt Dillon, Tozier.” She says, and looks at the road in front of her, and Eddie's hair that gets in the way of this view.

Richie hangs onto her words, and doesn't want to admit the truth in them. He does wish so, Dillon's the biggest heartthrob of this decade. There isn't a boy who doesn't wish to be in his shoes, with his looks and his charm. Cause all the girls dig Matt Dillon.

“You like him?” Richie asks her, and Y/N turns her head back at him. She raises an eyebrow once again.

“What's it to you?” She asks. Richie pretends like he's thinking, thinking deeply. His hand on his chin and a far-away look in his eyes.

“Say, what would you do if I woke up tomorrow and I would be Matt Dillon? Look like him, talk like him.” Richie proposes an idea. “What's your action?” He raises an eyebrow and grins suggestively.

“You'd be in Hollywood, which is a thousand miles away, so… I wouldn't really be able to do anything.” Y/N says, shrugging.

“Take a left!” Bill yells from the front, and Eddie speeds in front of an appalled Richie. The glassed boy only stares after Y/N on the back of Eddie's bike. She's got a big grin on her face, and she even laughs at Richie. Once again, she's made him lose his voice.

“Ha-ha! I'm in front of you!” Eddie brags to Richie. The boy's always been the fastest, but not now. He can't even think of being at the very front of his friend group. It doesn't even seem to matter now, doesn't seem like the most important thing.

What does though, is how to out-smart this girl. But looks like she's always a step--no, correction--a joke ahead of Richie. She's out-sassed him, and Richie is blown away. No one's ever done that before. And a girl? Most girls these days can't even look guys in the eye without fainting or blushing red like tomatoes. But Y/N's different. And Richie can't deny that he finds her hot, and her snapping back and out-smarting him.

Through the time the Losers and Y/N spent together on the last day of school, most of it was spent listening to Y/N and Richie going back and forth with jokes, too-corny-to-be-used-properly pick-up lines and pop-culture references. Though Y/N mostly beat him down, winning the unofficial contest. And she left Richie with his mind blank and mouth hanging open quite often. Bill, Eddie and Stanley had laughed at their friend. They were thankful to have found someone who makes the all-powerful Richie Tozier stutter and actually doubt his superiority in the comedy business.

He became quite fascinated with her, and he couldn't even hide his blush when she spoke to him. Though he did try to hide it, she still saw the pink tint coloring his squishy cheeks. And she had laughed, but to herself. She didn't want to embarrass the boy more than she already had. But it did make her feel a little powerful to be able to do so.

“Oh, no, now I get it.” She had said, and Richie had looked at her. For some reason, he thought she'd have a genuine statement to make. “You're auditioning for the red dress in the play.” She had concluded, and left Richie with his voice stuck in his throat.

“With a pale skin like yours, you'll do great as the white one!” He'd soon replied, which earned him a splash of Derry sewer water on his legs. The boy had only laughed and looked at the magnetic girl with wondering, wide eyes.

“I'll do great as a vampire.” Y/N had responded, and made a face that was supposed to mock the mentioned creature.

“And live off other people's blood? Disgusting, but enticing.” Richie makes an i'm-thinking face.

“I think blood is much more valuable than relying on them to always laugh at your jokes.” Y/N had admitted, and that earned her a splash of grey water on her legs. She'd squealed, but with a smile, and given an even bigger splash back to Richie. He'd gasped, almost covered in the liquid head to toe, and looked at Y/N.

“You're dead!” He'd screamed and pin-pointed the moment all hell broke loose. More specifically, he broke the hell right onto Y/N. An intense water duel had begun then, which no one except Richie and Y/N took part in, finding the activity more disgusting and unnecessary than standing by and watching would ever be.

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Devil’s Ballroom Ch.8

A year after the events from the earth’s final attack, Little Homeworld is finally complete, and there’s a new jazz bar where gems and humans mingle and drink. - As you’re typing back a reply, someone pulls the stool out next to you and takes a seat. You see a sliver of pink out of the corner of your eye as you try not to actually Look. Oh god. It’s her. God can’t help us now.

Spinel/Reader

collab with my lovely wife @firstofficertightpants​

(i’m sorry. i have terrible chapter pacing skills so the next one will be the last, not this one. thanks for all of ur patience p: ) 

Immediately you accidentally elbow Alex in the face as you try to get out of his grip, and he yells out in pain and drops you onto the ground.

"Wait! SPINEL!" You shout and run towards the direction she went, but you don’t see her anywhere. "SPINEL!!!" You shout again, eyes frantically roaming in every direction around for her, a couple of people stop to stare at you. She’s much faster than you, and could be leagues away by now.

You can't believe she would just run like that, without explanation. She was staring at you and Alex like.. did she seriously think that you and Alex.. oh god. She thought you were with Alex. 

Okay. You try not to panic as you stand there, awkwardly. You feel a hand on your shoulder.

"What the hell was that?" Alex says beside you. You can't speak for a moment, and when you do, your voice comes out hoarse.

"Er.. I think some horrible misunderstanding just happened." You say, defeated. You look up at him, and you're trying to not be visibly upset. He looks down at you, and makes a face.

"That was her? She could've said hi, sheesh.. she even left cookies here." He shrugs, looking at the spilled cookies on the ground.

"Dude. How are you so fucking stupid." You say, nearly about to smack him again. He gives you a confused look. "Are you shitting me? She came to give me those cookies in thanks for yesterday, and what does she see? You kissing all over my face." 

He still gives you a blank look.

"Ohhhh my god. You are such a fucking moron." You retort, staring at him for several solid seconds until a look of sudden realization hits his facial expressions.

“Oh. OHHHHHHHHHHHH.” He covers his mouth, and has the audacity to look mortified.

“Yeah.” You cross your arms. “Thanks for that.” 

“I uh.. man, I just wanted some Y/N love, I’m sorry. I just got so carried away.”

“I’m pretty sure she thinks I’m like, romantically involved with you.. Oh god what if she thinks I like men?” You cover your face in your hands, groaning into them. “I never told her that I liked just girls..”

“You told her about your crush on Harper though? What about that?” He raises his eyebrows in question.

“Yeah but I never told her about any of the other shit, and I haven’t exactly like.. given her any signals..”

“But you flirt with her all the time! And she flirts back! I know, because you’ve told me everything, multiple times.” He bends down and scoops up the container, and picks up the cookies and places them all back inside.

“Alex, I really hate to break this to you, but girls flirt with each other all the time. Most of the time, it’s over compliments, and sometimes it SEEMS genuine, but really, they’re just being nice.” You say. “Unless you’re super bold, with girls you basically have to be frank with them about your feelings and intentions for them to realize you’re serious. I myself prefer to kinda be sure that the other person likes me back, before I stick my neck out, you know? Because getting the ‘Oh, I thought we were just friends’ shit fucking hurts.”

“I’m pretty sure she likes you, dude.” He says to you like you’re an idiot.

“I’m not so sure about that.” You say, because you refuse to believe anything unless the cold hard facts are slapping you in the face.

“For someone so smart, how are you so stupid?” He sniffs one of the cookies, and looks like he’s contemplating taking a bite. You scoff. “You know what? Don’t answer that. It doesn’t matter. My point is, even I can tell she likes you.”

"Coming from you, that means nothing to me." He immediately looks up, completely offended. “What? I mean, seriously. Do I have to remind you of all of our middle school and high school years? That should explain itself.” 

“Okay when you put it that way, YEAH, I was stupid, but this is different. This is me absorbing someone ELSE’S love life, and even I’m not that much of a fool.” He sighs, and mournfully tosses the cookies into the bin closest to you. “I think you need to like, give her a call or something and explain yourself. She looked really upset.” 

“Yeah, I..” You pause for a second to pick your screwdriver back up. You don’t even want to work anymore. “You’re right. I’m just nervous.” 

“Just do it before you overthink it.” He replies.

“Ugh, okay.” You pull out your phone, swipe over to your contacts, and press the call button on Spinel’s name. Immediately, it goes to voicemail.

Of course.

You leave a voicemail for her to call you back as soon as she hears this, and you also shoot her a text.

“She’s not answering.” You say.

“Of course she’s not, I mean, I wouldn’t either. Give her a while and try again later, she probably just needs some time.” He says, and also pulls out his phone, typing something on it real quick. “Also, give me a minute, mom needs to call me about something for tomorrow.” He steps a couple feet away from you to take the call.

You stare at your phone, and for the first time in a long time, you really don’t know what to fucking do other than just stand there. What if she’s so upset, she never talks to you again? Will she give you a chance to hear you out? And are you ready to talk about your feelings with her? 

Lord.

You haven’t really thought about them too much yourself, if you’re going to be honest. You’ve been keeping this all super casual in your mind, because it feels irrational to grow feelings for someone this quickly, considering you’ve known her for less than 2 weeks. But.. you admit, the more you push the thoughts away, the more you understand that you might like her a lot more than you originally considered, and denying them will just cause you issues like that one time when you were 19.

You sigh out loud. Off to the side you can hear Alex arguing with his mother about some errands she wants him to run tomorrow, and for a brief moment you consider just going home, but then remember that not even Mr. Smiley can cover the rest of the shift. You have a good two hours left, you can survive, hopefully. You make yourself busy with fixing the part you were previously working on - but you’re having a hard time concentrating. After a couple minutes, Alex taps on the side of the wall, and you peek your head out to look at him.

“Look, I hate to do this to you right now, but mom wants me to go grab a few things from her office, and pick up an order from the print place before it closes.” He pushes his curly dark hair out of his eyes, half leaning on the wall next to you. “I can probably be back by the time you’re done with your shift.”

“Hmm.. alright.” You mumble, trying to keep your mind on more positive things. He leans closer to you, stretches out his arm, and pokes you on the cheek.

“Don’t hyperfocus on this. Shit will be fine, you just gotta give her some time to get back to you, okay hun?” He gives your cheek a little love smack and stands straight, heading out already. You watch him go.

“Super easy for you to say..” You say to yourself, and busy your hands.

Most of the rest of the shift passes quietly, and you receive no messages from anyone. You hate that you can’t do anything, not really, so you send Spinel another text. She still hasn’t seen the other one, and it’s been nearly two hours.

Y/N: Can we talk? Please.

You aren’t in the mood to text anyone else, so you put your phone back into your pocket, and start all of your closing duties. The next twenty minutes goes by in a heartbeat, the crowds of tourists long since dissipated. There isn’t a lot to do. Once you clock out and grab your things from the breakroom, you feel your phone vibrate so you pull it out quickly to see who it is. You try and fail not to feel disappointed that it’s just Alex.

Alex: she wrapped me up in some other shit so like, im runnin hella late

Alex: im sorry

Alex: its gonna be a while, ill let you know when im done and ill just come over to ur place

Alex: if thats ok

You type out a couple replies to him, and sigh out loud. It’s for the best really. You don’t exactly want him to talk to you about all this stuff right now anyway. You head out, lock up the place, and walk in the general direction of your home.

By the time you’re home and settled, Alex has given you an update, and it’s been nearly four hours since you saw Spinel with no response. You’re seriously starting to worry, because she’s never not replied to your messages like this. You go to send her another text, and realize that she still hasn’t opened any of your messages. You send her another inquiry, and pop up your chat with Steven.

Y/N: Steven.

Y/N: I need you to answer asap.

You see that he’s online, and you wait for an answer. It only takes him a minute or two to get back to you.

Steven: Hey Y/N, what’s up?

Y/N: Have you talked to Spinel in the last couple of hours?

Steven: Not since this morning, why?

Y/N: Can you call her just to check up on her? I’m worried about something.

Steven: Yeah hold on.

You wait for several long minutes for him to get back to you.

Steven: Her phone’s just going to voicemail, which is pretty weird. Maybe she accidentally let it die? I’ll let you know when she answers back.

Steven: Are you guys okay?

Y/N: Uhh, I’ll get back to you on that.

Steven: Hmm, okay. 

You go to lay on your couch face down, and scream into the cushions.

Apparently you fall asleep that way, because the next thing you know, you have to peel your drool covered face off the couch cushion. You blink away your sleep-heavy eyes, and blearily check your phone. It’s 5am.

The only message you’ve received is one from Alex saying he stopped by, but left since he saw you were sleeping. Okay wow, he could’ve woken you up into a better sleeping position. Your neck feels like shit. 

You’re trying to ignore the growing feeling of dread in your stomach, pointedly not thinking about how Spinel hasn’t texted you back yet, and how long it’s been. You grab a glass of water from the fridge, trudge up the stairs into your bedroom, and flop on your bed. You pass out again nearly instantly.

When you wake up again, the sun is glaring into your window, and you groan. You roll over and pull the covers over your head. Fuck the sun today. You grab your phone from your nightstand, and notice it’s almost 1pm, the fuck? Why the fuck did you sleep so long? You look at all your notifications, and pretend that you’re not looking for a specific one from someone. 

Spinel still hasn’t texted you back, and STILL hasn’t seen any of the messages you’ve sent her. You are starting to panic a little, so you shoot Steven a message.

Y/N: She hasn’t said anything to me at all, has she answered you?

You message your dad and friends back while waiting a few minutes for Steven to reply. It takes him a few minutes to get back to you while you're laying in bed.

Steven: Her phone is still off, and she hasn't replied to anything I've sent her. I'm gonna ask Lapis to check up on her since they live in the same building. I'll get back to you when I get an answer.

It's been like twenty hours since you've seen her, and you're worried. There's no point moping around though, so you get up and get dressed for the day. You make and eat breakfast, even if you don't normally. You need a distraction from your thoughts, so you give your dad a call to check up on him, and ask him when he's coming home this week. He talks to you about his long days in meetings after meetings, the silly shit he got up to with a coworker last night after drinking, and the new hobby he's thinking of picking up when he gets back home. You guys talk for a long while, and maybe it's something you really needed, because you momentarily forget about what you were so worried with in the first place, until your phone buzzes. It's ringing actually, and your phone screen lights up with Steven's name. You tell your dad you've got to go to take this other call, and answer Steven. You sit there, phone in hand for a moment, before putting it to your ear.

"Y/N?" You hear him ask, although a bit muffled.

"Yeah. Anything?" You reply, trying to keep the nervousness out of your voice.

"She's uh.. She's on homeworld with the Diamonds right now? Maybe they worked something out with whatever event they were planning." He says into the receiver, completely casual like this is no big deal. Like that answer didn't just shatter your morale.

"Hm, okay. I appreciate you telling me this." You want to hang up and cry. 

"Why didn't Spinel tell you she was going? I mean, she doesn't need to let me know since I go back to homeworld frequently.. are you guys okay?"

"Uhhhhhhhhhh." You say, unable to form an answer that isn't too revealing. "I'm not sure. But I'll let you know if anything changes."

"You know you can talk to me, right?" He says, gently. You appreciate that he cares, but it's best if he doesn't interfere.

"I know. Thank you, Steven." You reply, holding back any emotion that will give you away.

"I'll talk to you soon, okay? See you, Y/N." You say goodbye as well, and hang up.

You sit at your dining table for several solid minutes without moving, staring blankly at your phone, mind swirling with thoughts.

Okay. Alright. You can do this.

You refuse to cry, and you pinch your arm to get the prickling feeling away from the edges of your eyes. Fuck. Okay. 

So she just.. left. She left, when she was fighting with the Diamonds literally yesterday about something awful they said to her, so awful that she had an emotional breakdown over it, and couldn't even TALK about it with you afterwards. 

She left for homeworld to escape you. 

You, specifically.

Because of a misunderstanding.

You probably sit there for a good twenty minutes absorbing everything, weighing the gravity of the situation. Afterwards, you get up and distract yourself with chores. You refuse to put any more thought into this, and just figure you'll wait. 

At around 6pm, Alex comes over, and the two of you play Minecraft for the rest of the night, and he pointedly doesn't ask about Spinel at all. You're thankful that he's here in person, for once, because you don't know what kind of stupid shit you'd do without him here.

He spends the night and crashes on your couch, and you lay awake for most of the night, restless.

When you wake up, Alex has coffee and oatmeal ready for you, which is pretty funny because he never makes food. He's usually awful at it. He's sitting at the table sipping his coffee and drawing in his sketchbook, and he looks up when you make your presence known.

"Wow, you kinda look like shit my guy." He says, taking another sip of his coffee, and setting the mug down.

"Thanks. Had insomnia pretty bad last night.." You trail off and move to grab a mug from the cabinet and pour yourself some coffee. It's a black coffee only kind of day. 

You sit down on the opposite side from him, and slowly drink your coffee. It smells good. You're worried Spinel hates you and never wants to see you again. You pull the bowl of oatmeal towards you and take a bite of lukewarm mush.

"This is kind of awful but thanks." You say as you shovel more into your mouth, and consider adding more brown sugar to this.

"I ain't no Gordon Ramsay, but I try." He doesn't look at you as he shades the back leg of the deer he's sketching. You watch him bite his tongue in concentration, and you take another sip of coffee. It's kind of burnt tasting, but whatever. You've had worse. "What do you want to do today, anyway?" 

"Mmm." You eat another bite of oatmeal. "Can you please pick? Cuz I'm kinda braindead right now and I don't really feel like concentrating." He looks at you with mild concern.

"Last time I got to pick, you banned me from picking out what we do for a solid year." He furrows his eyebrows, twisting his pencil in hand.

"Yeah, well.. I don't really care right now." You shovel more food into your mouth.

"Fine. You said so, okayyyy, so no complaining later." He rolls his eyes and huffs, pencil scratching against the paper. Your phone buzzes several times on the table, and you reluctantly grab it. One message from dad, and.. two from Steven. You open up Steven’s messages first.

Steven: What did you do?

Steven: She doesn't want to come home.

Your stomach feels like lead. Alex notices you immediately.

"Uh. What's wrong?" He asks, leaning over. You tilt your phone away from him and you can feel the tears coming. You swallow, trying to get your face to cooperate.

“Um..” You feel your voice wavering, so you take a steadying breath. Looking down at your phone again, you struggle to form any kind of coherent words at all. You push your phone over to Alex, he reads what's on your screen, and looks back over to you with a serious face.

“For real? Are you kidding me?” He says, and you can hear the frustration in his voice. “I’m gonna give her a piece of my mind.”

“No,” The words finally find you. “Let me deal with this, please.” You give him a half hearted smile, and pull your phone back to yourself. With shaky hands, you text Steven back.

Y/N: Listen, I didn’t do anything, but..

Y/N: I’d prefer to get this sorted with her in person.

Y/N: I don’t want to play the messenger game

Y/N: I want her to hear it from me.

You don’t have to wait too long for his reply.

Steven: Okay well, I don’t know how well that’s going to work

Steven: Considering she refuses to talk to me about any of it

Steven: Let me know if you end up wanting me to do anything?

Steven: And I’ll message you if anything happens on my end.

Y/N: I appreciate that. Thanks.

You sigh and look up at Alex, who’s watching you with his chin in hand, leaning on the table.

“Anything?” He inquires.

“Nothing.” You say.

“Well, let me clean up the mess I made and let's go out. Mom let me have the car today, so we can go wherever. You said I can choose and no take-backsies, just give me a few minutes, alright?” He stands up and takes the both of your plates to the kitchen, and you watch him for a moment before deciding to get up and get dressed. 

You head up to your bedroom and open your closet, rummaging around for something cozy. You grab a soft long sleeve shirt, and sweatpants, because who gives a fuck honestly. You’re looking inbetween all your sweaters for your favorite one that you’d like to wear today, before realizing that Spinel still has it. Instantly, your eyes fill with tears at the reminder, and you let yourself cry quietly in frustration where no one can see you. 

After a few minutes, you wash your face in the bathroom and get dressed, settling for a different sweater. You take a couple deep breaths, and head downstairs to Alex.

You spend the rest of the day with Alex, and he takes the both of you to Empire City to browse the mall and window shop, and he buys the both of you dinner. You feel like he’s being extra sweet to make you feel better and you appreciate him so much for it, but Spinel’s on your mind literally all day and you can’t distract yourself enough. He gives you a big hug after dropping you off at home, and before leaving he makes sure that you’re okay. You’re not, not really, but he helped you not spiral further downwards today.

The next day you only work a half shift, so you get to sleep in and you take full advantage of it. It has now been three days since Spinel disappeared with no word since, and you’re beside yourself with worry. But you can’t let this stop you living your day to day life, so you do what you do best and keep on with your routine.

The fourth day goes quickly as you work a full shift, and you’ve got quite a few things to do before your dad gets home tomorrow. You’re excited to see him, as he’s been gone for nearly three weeks now. The house will be back to normal, and way less lonely.

Your dad comes home the fifth day and you spend the entirety of it with him, and you don’t think about Spinel at all. The both of you go to the movies, and then to the beach to have a relaxing afternoon as family bonding time. When you guys head home, you make him his favorite steak and potatoes and he talks about all of the things he had to do and how much he missed your company while he was gone. You think he notices that your mood has slightly been off today, but he doesn't ask about it.

The sixth day, Steven sends you a text about her still not being home, and you wonder why you even bothered opening the message. At this point you’re no longer despondent, you’re now just frustrated with the growing feeling of anger building inside you.

By the tenth day, you’re rightfully pissed. You gave her more than enough time to get over whatever feelings she felt - and she’s not taking any of your feelings into consideration. She left you to deal with the aftermath of what she assumed to be true, and never even gave you the chance to explain yourself. You haven’t sent her a text since that last one you sent over a week ago, and you think you’ll send her one more.

Y/N: Whenever (or IF, I guess) you decide to pop back in on earth, I’d like to have a chat. :)

Steven hasn’t said anything much in the last week, either. You kind of feel like he’s avoiding you because of this, but it doesn’t matter now. If she never wants to come back, that’s on her. 

Two more days go by - pretty uneventfully. You spend most of your time at work, or playing minecraft with Alex and the occasional Harper when she’s actually in a motel versus camping. The two of them haven’t asked about Spinel at all - and you know they’ve talked about it extensively in private. You’re secretly relieved that you don’t have to talk about her, though.

Two weeks pass, and you give up entirely. Life goes on.

One of these late afternoons you’re lying in bed after work and texting your friends, and for a moment you think about shooting Spinel a last message. You don’t think she’ll come back to earth at this point, but you want your sweater back if she ever visits. You swipe over to your chat with her to let her know this, and your eyes glance at the ‘seen’ icon at the bottom, timestamp dated nearly 36 hours ago.

Huh.

Wait. What the fuck.

You sit there for a moment, frozen in shock. Shock that quickly turns into boiling anger, and you find yourself texting Steven faster than you realize.

Y/N: So she comes back and you say nothing, yeah?

Y/N: Remind me to not do you any favors for a while.

Eyes stinging, you go back over to shoot Spinel an angry message, but before you can even type out half a sentence, Steven rapidly texts you back.

Steven: Hold on for a second, okay?

Steven: Let me explain something.

You don’t really care at this point.

Y/N: nah man.

You get up from bed, pocket your phone, and waltz downstairs. You put on a sweater, toe on the nearest flip flops, and head out the front door. Dad’s at work currently, so you lock the door and head over to little homeworld. You walk briskly over to the bar you met Spinel at, and after a small hold up with the bouncer, head in and move directly to the counter, facing Bismuth.

“Hey Bis,” You say to her, and she glances over to you from her current patron, and smiles at you.

“Y/N! It’s been a minute. How’ve you been?” She replies, facing you.

“I’ve been alright,” You lean a bit over the bar. “I actually just have a question, if you don’t mind.” Bismuth looks at you inquisitively, and you continue. “What’s Spinel’s address? She never gave it to me.” You smile sweetly at her.

“Hold on, let me get a pen and some paper.” She says as she sets down her glass, and grabs a pen and some receipt paper from the register. You watch her scribble something down, and she hands it to you.

“Bis, I ever tell you that you’re the best?” You take the piece of paper from her hand.

“Only once,” She grins. “But I could stand to hear it again.” You laugh at that, and pocket the note.

“Thanks for this. I’ll pay you back later, promise.” You wink at her, and turn to leave. You hear her chuckle and pick the glass back up from the counter.

“I’ll keep you to that!” You hear as you leave the building, pulling out the note again to glance at the address.

It’s over a mile away, and you figure now or never, and walk towards the general direction of her place. You try and fail on calming your nerves on the near 30 minute walk, and by the time you get to her apartment building, you’ve worked yourself up into a whirlwind of emotions. Also you’ve pointedly ignored your phone this entire time, and you’re pretty sure you’ve missed 5 calls and dozens of texts, but you knew that if you looked at any of it, you’d lose face and chicken out.

Spinel’s apartment is on the 9th floor, and you marvel at the technology side of the building for a bit. These gems really knew how to build stuff. You take the elevator up, and once you’re on the floor, you take a sharp left to the odd numbers side of the building. You reach her door and stop, almost touching the frame to knock on it. Although it’s pretty quiet in the building, you can hear a faint voice, or voices, coming from inside her apartment if you listen closely enough.

You take a deep breath, and let it out. You take another three, and consider leaving altogether. You steel your nerves, lift your arm, and knock on her door frame twice.

You think you hear the voice quiet down as you stand there, waiting. Several seconds go by, and you can hear your own heartbeats.

For a sec you think that she won’t come to the door, but after a few more moments you hear quiet movement towards the door you’re standing in front of. You make a point to step to the side, so whoever is answering the door can’t see who’s standing there through the peephole.

Very slowly, you see the door handle turn, and the door swinging open several inches. You watch Spinel peek her head out the door, her phone in her hand, and turn to make direct eye contact with you. She freezes instantaneously, like she expected it to be anyone else other than you standing there. 

Her hair is in a messy bun, and your eyes trail down to notice that she’s wearing your sweater. 

This pisses you off immediately.

hi I was on u-tube and saw a bakugou playlist for when he can’t sleep and I thought well , since I just hit 200 followers ( tysm;3 I love everyone who even took the time out of their day to press follow ) why not bring them this idea of y/n not being able to sleep & bakubabe lending his beautifully different services

also abt the sero line I have in here— I personally think it’d be cool if he just learned Spanish because, he has an interest in other cultures and languages but I don’t really see him being actually hispanic

also I really like writing baku bc he’s so rough with everything he says & I kin him so he’s the easiest so, I hope no one thinks I write him too much

Reader with bad mental health & bakugou lends a hand in his own way

No one cares and no one ever asks. Or at least that’s how you felt while standing here in your last period class your hands balled up in fist tightly held at your chest

Your head was pounding and body was aching you couldn’t describe why you were feeling so horrible all of a sudden but

you just were

maybe it was from all the nights you couldn’t fall aleep due to overthinking

maybe it was the way you got stuck on your phone or even your head dropped low eyes trailing over words in a book just trying to find something to take your mind off the fact that you were struggling

whatever the case was

right now in this last period class this wasn’t helping

“ look shitty woman “ you heard the boy huff “ I want to get a good score on this paired project and right now your fucking this up for me “

his anger was visibly present even if his voice was low to where only you could hear the annoyance that sat in it had everyone looking around for the culprit of the sudden change in the air

“ and I don’t like fuckups so get whatever you have going on together and let’s do this —ok? “

you shook your head and let out a soft ‘ok ‘

the fight ending quickly with bakugou staring down on you his hands on his knees face made up in anger “ you keep finding a way to fuck with me “

“ I didn’t even do anything to you “ your voice was soft and tired

his eyes squinting before sighing

“ I didn’t do anything to anyone “

“ cut this shit out right now “ he pulled you up off the ground hands in fists gripping at your shirt standing you up with his muscles alone “ get to your room — sleep off whatever the fucks going on with you “

His eyes dead set on you as you walked off everyone from the class watching as you failed to gain the strength to open the big doors that led you to your shared dorms

“ sero plea— “

“ got it hermosa “

“ really dude “

“ look it’s hot — and just cause we’re in japan doesn’t mean I can’t show off my online spanish lessons “

“ whatever “ denkis voice whined as he shook his head holding the other door open for you “ gonna get some sleep y/n ? “

you ignored the two boys head hung low as you walked to your room door

the strength appearing in your body as you opened it but, quickly dispersing when you found your bed.

Your face hitting your favorite pillow hand coming up to cradle underneath it as you sat on your knees butt high in the air tears coming out pouring into your blankets “ I won’t show — I won’t show it — I won’t get bad again “ you repeated like a chant

The light from outside disappearing as the day grew into night

several footsteps heard departing from your door when you didn’t answer the knocks . Their low calls of dinner was done , lunch was in the microwave , that you’d missed movie time , that you missed denkis attempt of asking jirou out , and todorokis miss understood question of what ‘ cuddles ‘ were when denki offered her his body to do so

“ and you assholes didn’t just think to open the door? ”

your bedroom door swinging open in a crash as the knob hit the wall behind it creating a hole

“ fucking assholes bothering me with this shit “

“ we didn’t even call you out of your room “

“ you came over to her room on your ow— “

bakugous hand moved swiftly to slam the door in their faces

“ bakubro we’ve been trying to get in there all day and your just—“

“ gonna close the door on us “ denki finished in annoyance “ seriously I just know y/n needs my charm right now “

he pouted behind the door “ it always cheers her up and I like her lau— “

“ didn’t ask to hear your fucking crush story charger base “

“ ass — kiri let’s go “

“ so no sleepy boob pics?“

bakugou stiffened hearing the purples freaks voice

“ so I came with you guys because you said she was sad and usually when girls are sad they don’t dres— “

bakugous voice was guttural as he put his forehead to the door voice loud enough for the boy to hear

“ hey — hey purple nurple “

“ I-uh — yes bakugou “

“ come here “ he could hear the small shuffle of feet to the door as he smirked softly

“ put your tiny head to the door — actually press your whole body up to the door —all the way “

“ are you trying to help me get one of y/n’s bras god —- of all people to help I never thought it’d be bakugo—“

“ hey just shh ok — you don’t want to ruin it right and make her wake up right “ he groaned inside his mind

“ she’s slept this long and through all of this— I can’t get you her bra if your loud right purple zit “

“ so so smart “

“ ok so here it is “

the room grew silent as bakugou pressed his palm as low as he could placing it on the door away from his standing body breathing in to suppress his anger so , he didn’t let out a major blast due to his mood

sighing before he felt his hand grow sweaty tiny pops coming out

“ hey bakugou —is my princess ok ? sounds like popcorn in there are her tit—“

it was quick as the door had a hole in it the newly created circle having black burn scratches on it as mineta laid burnt on the floor once purple body now black and smoke wafting off it

Bakugou squatting as he put his left hand above the hole to steady himself and his right one reaching out through it as he grimaced in pain at the stretch his fingers finally wrapping around minetas short body fingers interlocking around his neck as he looked through the new hole in the door eyes piercing into the boy he held

his voice low and dominating “ you ever come back to her room on some creep shit — and I blow your fucking brains out do you hear me “

“ y-yes sir “ mineta let out dazed “ I will stick to yao-“

“ that goes for all the girls you hear me — guys included I know your a little pervy fuck you can’t get your hands on girls underwear you’ll move on to dekus shitty tidy whities”

mineta was silent as bakugou threw him back on the floor watching as he crawled off

his body relaxing as he shook his mind burning.

head in his hands before wiping his face in exhaustion and standing up and turning to you when he felt the air in the room shift , his hands out in jazz hands and a fake smile on his face.

“ ta da “ he was met with your sitting body your pillow covering him from seeing you .

your face dropping in shock moving from his tall figure that stood inching over to the now huge hole that he was trying to hide from you

“ k-katsuki “

“ I told you about that “

“ s-sorry “

“ again I told you about that shit “ his gaze was hard on you

“ do it again and i’ll tell shitty hair to harden in the next hug he gives you — since you and that crappy puppy boy are always touching “ he mumbled

“ bakugou why are you — why does my door have a hole in it “

“ don’t worry about it “

“ h- w-how can I not worry about it my doors black“ you screamed in confusion “ it used to be brown bakugou “

“ bakugou it used to be this — bakugou — katsuki oh my gosh i’m sorry — god do you ever shut the fuck up and just be thankful “ he mocked you soon converting back to his anger ridden voice

“ and whats with this pillow take it away from you — I wanna see your fucked up face “

you sighed bringing the pillow from in front of your head his eyes having a look run through them that you couldn’t figure out but you knew it had something to do with how puffy your eyes felt . Even if they weren’t puffy or couldn’t get puffy you’d never known for a fact because it still felt like they were .

You two stared at each other as the silence grew louder him shoving his hands in his pocket before taking out the packet of pills he’d gotten for you shaking them to show you it wasn’t a weapon like Mr.Aizawa thought after finding him returning to school late and shaking him down like a police officer

his hand putting them on your desk

His other one throwing the water he found in the kitchen to your bed “ not throwing you the pills — need you to move around so you gotta come get em‘ “

your face showed no emotion as he nodded understanding the new tense and uncomfortable emotions thats were present “ ... ok — well got a green headed vegetable to go bully so “

you watched as his hands gripped the door swinging it open as you dropped your head eyes moving to the water in front of you “ why can’t I do anything right “

you cried “ why can’t the world — the days — the stars fucking align for me to feel good for once huh “

you felt even more tears prickle your eyes as your voice grew louder “ why can’t I talk to people without having this voice in the back of my mind screaming — raging like its having a party — why can’t I sit in silence without having to stand up every five seconds and move around because my body screams for attention — for movement because i’ve been sitting still for 5 seconds “

you heard the faint click of the door mouth still moving as if he were still there

“ why can’t I speak what I feel when people ask me“ you laughed shortly “ not like they do — because they can’t tell I just mask so well “

you let your face start to feel heavy and tense as you continued your crying rant into the empty room “ and most importantly why was I so bad at everything “ your eyebrows furrowed

“ why am I so bad at today ? “

“ just a day really ? “ you heard the taller males voice came out questioning

“ just today that’s what your worried about “

“ well I “

“ tch “ he shook his head before turning to face away from you his face dropping into a look he didn’t want you to see.

“ I-i’m sor— “ you knew he didn’t like you saying sorry or even using his first name you two had established that when he finally accepted your friendship or in his words

‘ you can hang around —like shitty hair but one sniff of blabber mouth and your gone ‘

“ I didn’t mean to spill to you I just — I — you can go —no one gives a shit anyways “

“ I will “

your body grew sad at his quick response

“ tell me what your most upset about “

your answer came quick as you let your brain take over “ I wake up in the middle of the night and can never fall back asleep when I do “

he moved to your door for a second time opening it to leave before pausing for a second speaking something to where you couldn’t hear much less make out

“ just knock “

he shook his head before closing the door softly to rival his usual mood.

Your body shaking when you finally realized you’d spilled out your mental thoughts to bakugou letting your body calm down before you grabbed the pills and silently thanked your friend before feeling yourself at some time finally fall asleep

It’s been days since you last felt that horrible it never stopped but you were able to hide it even more and live out your life the happiest you could

until one night you found you beating yourself up surprisingly not in real life but in your dreams

a loud gasp leaving your mouth as you sat up calming down only to bring your knees to your chest arms wrapped around them in a hug

your back moving to the wall to feel comforted after only feeling your cold hands and body wrapped around yourself

“ what I would give to have something warm “

‘warm ‘

your mind raced to bakugou trying to push the thoughts out your mind of him actually being a caring boyfriend who could help you like he did nights ago with bringing you medicine, a boyfriend who would let you snuggle into him and take all his warmt—

stop the track cause that song will never play you thought as you started to think about him again face made up in determination and focus as you tried to remember what he said that night feeling stupid when you finally remembered your quirk

the quirk that brought you pain and contributed to your mental health

your quirk allowed you to take pictures of everyone’s last moments you’d spent together with your thoughts

it was good in some aspects like right now when you could finally remember where sato helped you hide your candy bars from yourself so you wouldn’t indulge in them 2weeks ago

at the same time you can see your problem with it when the last moment you had of your mother was her kissing you goodbye before shapeshifting into a fire extinguisher and landing in your fathers hands as he screamed at you to run out of your home and get more help the last image you seeing of your father was him spraying the fire extinguisher all over the stove in hopes to calm it down before it spread but he couldn’t

it didn’t help when the pictures replayed in your mind like video home movies that you didn’t want to watch

whenever your quirk was used everything spun in your head like a movie reel the downside was it made you watch every single picture you’d taken until you found the one you were looking for

it didn’t take long before you finished your mom and dads memory and got to bakugous last moment you two spent together

you zooming in reading his lips turning up the volume on the moment as he spoke “just knock “

“ just knock ? “ you sat confused in your spot on the bed shaking off your quirk taking as long as needed to process his words only to be even more confused and just knocking on the wall twice between your two shared dorm rooms.

You never paid much attention to him being your neighbor it’s not like you needed him for anything so right now you were a bit curious in why he reminded you that you two shared walls

Eyes closing while you waited for whatever was supposed to happen

“ guess he didn’t mean it like th—“

your body softened when you heard music fill his room and overflow into yours

You heard the drums kick in as the lyrics played muffled through your wall

‘I listened to the cure

I listened to the cure

I listened to the cure

and then I cried ‘

your eyes widened before you felt your body relax against the wall eyebrows made up in content

eyes watering when you heard your two soft knocks returned on the wall behind you

you let your body go tenseness leaving as the song played moving to grab your phone with shaky hands seeing his name light up on your screen

Godzilla wannab

‘ no one gives a shit about your life right ? ‘

you cried even harder when you saw the message fit the song perfectly the words you spoke a couple days ago as if your were singing the lyrics

you looked around your room before falling on the dent he left in your wall grabbing your phone and zooming in on it to take a picture and sending it to him

Godzilla wannab

sorry your room was just so ass you needed some redecorating be thankful people tend to cry when I redecorate—just ask deku

you laughed as you seen him prepare to send a new message your heart swelling when you read it

Godzilla wannab

look this is gonna sound sus as fuck but

you bit your lip at the new message

‘ if you can’t sleep come over — your rooms cold as fuck and I know that pillow your hugging’s not doing shit ‘

Jaemin NSFW A-Z

Warning: 00 LINE SMUT! DON’T LIKE DON’T READ!

THIS IS MY OPINION BTW!!

SORRY FOR MISTAKES I DIDN’T CHECK LOL.

FML IF I FORGOT A LETTER 

A- Aftercare

Na Jaemin is amazing at giving aftercare. Firstly, he’d just cuddle with you for a few minutes, stroking your hair peacefully. If you didn’t fall asleep already, he’d definitely get up and make you a hot drink. He might run a bath for the two of you, where he’d already decorated the bathroom with petals and candles. It’d be so cheesy but thats Nana for you. Then to settle you back to sleep after a long round, he’ll sing you to sleep quietly, kissing your forehead every once in a while.

B- Body (Your favourite part of his body and his favourite part of yours)

Well, i can’t exactly guess your favourite part of Jaemin’s body, but i sure as hell love his arms.

Like...how dare he attack you like this?? They may not be the most muscled arms in NCT, but they are nicely toned and you just adore laying your head on them, and giving his shoulders and biceps kisses. His favourite body part of yours is most likely your cheeks (face cheeks lmao); he loves squishing them and kissing them, pinching them, you name it. But he also loves your breasts, whether they’re big or small, because he wants to reassure you that he loves them. Also uses them as pillows ehehe.

C- Cum

When you’re comfortable, and on the pill, he prefers coming inside of you since he feels it is very intimate. However, he knows how risky it is so he will only do this every once in a while. He’d be really tidy though. His pullout game is strong lol. 

D- Dirty Secret

Secretly up for having a threesome/foursome with either Jeno or Jeno and Renjun. But we all knew that, didn’t we? Only if you were up for it though.

E- Experience (how experienced they are)

Obviously, Jaemin is an experienced flirter, but hasn’t has much experience with sex, since he’s only just legal. My belief is that he’s probably had blowjobs, fingered a girl, etc but never gone too far. However, i believe he’d be a natural in bed. Freaking perfect at eating you out, cockwarming, and doing all the right things to turn you on. Thrusts like a god. 

F- Favourite Position

It depends on the mood, but he likes it when you ride him, since he gets a nice view of your face and breasts bouncing up and down. He does enjoy missionary though, since Jaemin likes to take control over the situation so you don’t have to worry about anything. He will never try positions you weren’t comfortable with. If you were up for it, he’d try anything new if that’s what you wanted cause he’ll literally do anything for you.

G- Goofy

Jaemin is like a lightswitch; one moment hes all giggly and cute, but as soon as you get into bed he’s as serious and sexy as ever. He doesn’t want to ruin the hot mood. He’ll be really romantic though- constantly asking you if you’re okay or if you want him to go slower or faster. 

H- Hair

He keeps it messy, but not too uneven. His hair tends to stick to his neck when he sweats, so just like he would practice a choreography,his hair would be all over the place when you’d get intimate, too, which you didn’t mind.

I- Intimacy

Jaemin loves being romantic and sees sexual acts as a way to bond passionately as well as expressing how much he trusts and wants you. He’s the type to lay rose petals on the bed or in the bath. Might even leave you cute little notes leading to the bed, where he’d be laying, waiting for you.

J- Jack Off

Nana probably masturbates quite a lot, since he’s a hormonal teenager, what else can i say. Honestly, he’ll just think of you as the one who is feeling him up, as he touches himself. Probably does it after fan meets, performances and practice, which makes him feel really turned on after hours of hard work.

K- Kink

Hmm...Nana seems like the type to have a thing to be dominant (not that he wouldn’t like being submissive) but not to the level of bondage, daddy kink, etc. Idk, he just seems too sweet and caring to ever tie you up or degrade you, even if its what you really wanted. He seems like the type to adore body worship and leaving hickies/scratches. He’d love leaving hickies on your neck, but would make sure not to go too rough unless you said so. No matter what, Nana lives for scratches on his back. Gripping his hair and raking your nails down his backis HIS THING OKAY. HE FUCKING LOVES IT COME @ ME.

L- Location (Favourite place to have sex)

The bed- it’s the most comfy, and all Nana cares about is your comfort, what a sweetie. I think he’d never have sex in public, but might finger you underneath the table or something. Loves bath sex too, since the water’s warm and has a nice aroma, which hightens the mood. 

M- Motivation (Turn Ons)

Seeing you in frilly clothes. I feel like he’d be attracted to lighter coloured clothes on you, like white and pink? Definitely gets him hard. Will like it when you play a  little hard to get, since he adores teasing you. Plus, if you rake your hands through his hair, squeeze his thigh and biting his ear, etc...you’re getting him worked up with those dangerous fingertips. When he really needs you, he ends up sexting you. A lot. Especially in class so be prepared lmao.

N- No (Turn Offs)

Strange kinks. They aren’t romantic. Things like foot fetish. Erm..yeah he isnt into it. He doesn’t like degrading, whether receiving or giving. He wouldn’t understand why you’d want to call each other such horrible names.

O- Oral

Jaemin, when receiving, is a whole hot mess. With his head thrown back, sweat covering his body, and his arm over his eyes, he looks fucking delicious.When hes giving oral, he literally will do anything to hear your cute moans, which often leads to him making you feel extreme pleasure. This boy is perfect at giving and putting on a show when receiving.

P- Pace

If you’re not the one setting the pace, then he prefers to keep it steady. Not slow exactly, but not speedy either. He wants to make sure you feel him, and he stretches you in all the right places. He loves slowly kissing you as he thrusts, but will end up bucking his hips and going faster when he’s building up to his climax. It’s not hard to tell when Jaemin’s close to an orgasm. He’ll mutter out things like ‘I love you, Princess.’ or just will simply let out a string of moans and pull you closer.

Q- Quickies

Jaemin’s the type to really crave quickies. Anytime really. However, if you’re not a fan of them, he’ll give himself major sexual frustration, and will eventually beg you to suck his cock later when the two of you are alone. But they’ve happened in recording studios MANY times before. 

R- Risk (His comfort zone)

He does enjoy doing it in front of other members, but doing it secretly, like underneath the blankets or something. Anything like knife or blood play is a big NO. He will NEVER take the risk. As i’ve said before, Jaemin likes cumming inside of you. He won’t ever do it without your permission though.

S- Stamina (How many rounds)

Jaemin thinks that one round is enough, but he’ll do other stuff with you after. Make out, spoon, give you hickies and will then give you a bath or watch tv you you. He likes to make the first round last, and for it to be as perfect as possible, which wouldn’t be a problem since hes amazing at sex.

T- Toy (His favourite sex toys)

Doesn’t mind vibrators being used on him, but finds it addicting when they’re used to torment you. Especially when you’re studying. He’d turn it on ad off repeatedly, getting you hot and bothered while in your lessons.

U- Unfair (How they tease you)

Nana is a whole tease. He’s a brat, okay? He’s a playful, teasing bratty switch who most of the time gets challenged for dominance because you plan on giving him a hard time for all of his flirting and relentless teasing. He does shit like wear sleeveless shirts on purpose, and biting his lip waaay too many times. Winks often and generally gives you the ‘I know you want to fuck me’ look. Also, Jaemin has a habit of getting you jealous by flirting with fans- you fucking hate that.

V- Volume (How vocal they are)

He struggles to be quiet sometimes, especially when you kiss and suck his body, near his arousal. Whines like hell when you scratch down his back and kiss his jawline. He tries to make his moans pretty and loud, since he knows its a turn on for you. Nana isn’t afraid about letting you know how good you make him feel. Always breathes heavily after his release, which is even hotter.

W- Wild Card (Author’s Choice)

Jaemin wouldnt be nervous having sex at all. The only time he might slightly panic is when it’s your first time. He wants the experience to be as pleasurable as possible, but then again, he is very confident, so there’d be no need to worry. He’d be extremely honoured if he was your first, and would prepare the entire thing leading up to it. He’s so sweet and gentle.

X- X-ray (Their Package)

You’re fucking welcome. I don’t own the vid.

Y- Yearning (Sex Drive)

Jaemin has a high sex drive, what can i say? He craves for your touch 24/7, and constantly thinks of fucking you at the most random of times. Touches himself twice a day when you’re not around, watches porn like any other boy, and looks at pictures of you. It takes a lot of courage for him to NOT fuck you in the dorm rooms.

Z- ZZZ (How fast they fall asleep after)

Nana falls asleep so fast. He has such energy before and during sex but as soon as he reaches his climax, hes exhausted from all the stimulation. All he’d want to do is cuddle with you after. Make sure you get him up at the right time though...or another member will. Eek.

Hope you enjoyed!

fuck this took ages

Chikara: Zenshin suru (2/?)

Summary:Moving forward. At least thats what Ellie is trying to do. Meanwhile Colt finds trouble back home. Catch up HERE. If you would like added to the tag list, let me know.

Raiting: Mature. This series deals with violence, angst, death, sexual situations and bad choices. Read at your own risk.

Ellie sat up in disbelief oh you have got to be kidding me she flopped back down on the bed. "Oooh come on Ellie, its gonna be so much fun." Ellie rolled her eyes as she was lifted up off the bed. "Seriously Ingrid, how the hell did you end up in here? You had a different roommate." Ellie groaned, could her luck get any worse? A horribly emotional Thanksgiving, and now this, she was convinced someone hated her.

"Well," Ingrid flipped her hair and sat on ellies bed "I put in for a new roommate before Thanksgiving. She was horrible, she used to microwave liver, the dorm smelled like burnt rotten sneakers." She pointed her finger to her throat, making a gagging sound. "So they called with this opening and well,  here I am!" She perked up. "Come on, there's a party tonight in the dorms across the quad, lets go."

"A party? God no. I'm really not in the mood to party, it was a long,  long break and a long flight, you go on without me this time ok. " Ellie refused.

"No can do! I have watched you mope around this campus like a sad little puppy dog. It stops now! Get up, get your ass dressed." Ellie eyed Ingrid in disbelief, was she really going to allow her high school rival boss her around. She stared at Ingrid a moment longer,  arms folded against her chest. "Fiiiiiiine!" She got up and started getting ready. Once she was fully dressed she grabbed Colts jacket and walked out the door.

They walked into the crowded halls of the building across the quad. The music pumping throughout, kegs in many of the rooms and almost everyone had a red solo cup in hand. "Want a beer?" Ingrid tried talking over the loud music. "No. I don't drink." She shouted back, Ingrid shrugged her shoulders "suit yourself."  Ingrid paraded Ellie around, introducing her to so many people. She felt oddly out of place, but if she was going to try and move on, she figured maybe this was a start. What she wouldn't give to have Riya here with her now, but Riya was a little over an hour away at hartfeld. They were standing there talking to some girl Ingrid knew when two guys approached, one with Dark blonde hair, the other a brunette with stunning blue eyes. The girl walked away leaving the two of them, with the two guys.  "Looking good Ingrid." The blonde smirked as he leaned in kissing Ingrid's cheek. "Kyle, this is Ellie. Ellie, kyle." Ellie gave him a shy wave. "Nice to meet you Ellie, this is my friend Nick." Kyle introduced the two.

Ingrid and Kyle were caught up in an intense, flirtatious conversation, leaving Ellie and Nick standing there. "So. You don't look like you want to be here." Nick finally broke the silence. "I'm not really into the whole party scene." She admitted.  "Neither am I, I only came because Kyle wanted to see Ingrid." He chuckled as he stood next to Ellie. "Yeah. Ingrid drug me out. Still getting used to being friends with her, after being rivals for so long."

"Oh, so you two knew each other before college?" He quirked his brow, seemingly interested in having a conversation with her. "Yeah. We went to the same high school. Battled for valedictorian our senior year."

Nick leaned in a little closer.  "And which one of you won it?" His voice low and Intoxicating. She bit her lower lip. Trying to stop the huge grin from spreading across her face. "I bet it was you. You got that smart and beautiful thing going for you." Her face was now beat red. "Beautiful huh?" She tried to even her voice, praying he didn't hear the slight tremor. "I call it how I see it. And you Ellie, are probably the most beautiful woman here." Ellie turned a deep shade of crimson,  it had been a while since anyone flirted with her. She couldn't help but think about Colt, what he was doing in that moment, wondering if he even thought of her at all anymore. Ellie mentally reprimanded herself, she was trying to move on with her life, she needed to stop pretending that she and Colt were anything but a distant memory now. "Hey Nick, wanna dance?" Nick smiled wide "Lets do it."

****

California…

Colt climb off his bike and stashed it, he made his way quickly down the familiar street and ducked in the side through the loose boards. He had been coming to the shop here and there for a few months, ever since the heat from the FBI died down. He hadn't been in a couple weeks, he spent Thanksgiving break with his mom and he was itching to get back to the shop and continue his treasure hunt. He started in the back of the shop, mostly sticking to the private quarters. His pop wasn't like a regular blue collar guy, he didn't use a bank except for the legit auto shop account. Everything else he had was hidden in the shop like In the walls where one or more of his great grandparents installed a fireproof safe, Loose floorboards, hollowed out cabinets with a removable panel. Colt had found the deed to the garage, a copy of Kaneko's will leaving everything to him, the original he was certain in a safe deposit box somewhere, he knew he would have to piece clues together,  it was what his dad did. He also found Several stacks of money, bonds and other property deeds.

He climbed the steps to Logans loft. He had yet to go up there, the bitter taste of Jealousy still thick on his tongue. He hated Logan from the moment he met him, he hated that a pretty boy was his father's prize poodle, he had the nice car,  the good jobs, and he had Ellie eating out of the palm of his hand. He snorted, a smirk forming on his lips when that changed. He swore he could still feel the softness of her lips pressed against his, her arms wrapped tightly around him as they lost themselves in the pacific.

Colt walked through the room, stepping over debris, a gaping hole in the roof letting the moonlight shine in giving him some natural light.

He found a metal box under the burnt bed frame, he had to pry it open, not much inside except a few slips of paper and a flash drive. He checked his phone, 9pm. He had been there longer then he should. He pocketed the flash drive and descend the stairs to the bay. His eyes landed on something glimmering in the moonlight. He reached down to pick up the item,  his heart caught in his chest as he realized what it was.

******

The day he took Ellie to her driving test, he wandered around inside the dmv, waiting for her to finish up. He knew she would pass, she was a natural. A rack of keychains sat displayed in front of him, he fumbled through them until he found the perfect one.

He waited outside as Ellie bounced out of the DMV, a freshly printed license in hand. "I passed, I passed!" She squealed as she threw her arms around Colts neck. "Congratulations. Here I got you something." He held out the silver crown keychain. Ellie looked between him and the key chain, as she took it out of his hand "thank you colt. But why a crown?" Colt shrugged his shoulders, "I'll tell you later, now come on let's get back to the shop."

*******

How did it get here? He knew Ellie had it on her keychain when she left for school, she hadn't been back to the shop after that night, unless. Unless she was there, sometime while he was away. He felt the lump in this throat grow bigger, she was there and he could have seen her. In that moment the need to see her, to feel her in his arms, to hear her voice, taste the sweetness of her lips. It was all too much to bare. He shook the thoughts from his head,  she was at Langston, safely away from the crime ridden streets of LA, it wouldn't be long until he was with her again.

He put the keychain in his pocket, along with the flash drive and headed to where he stashed his bike a few blocks over. He kept looking over his shoulder,  a nagging feeling he was being followed. He got to his stash spot, attempting to quickly climb on his bike and start it and thats when he hit him. Colt crashed to the ground with a thud, his bike coming with him. He had just enough time to roll as his attacker came down on him with a knife. He sprang to his feet, adrenaline coursing through him. His assailant charged forward, colt side stepping, grabbing the attacker by the arm, bringing his elbow down on his shoulder,  the knife hitting the ground with a clatter.

The man clutched his shoulder, crying out in pain. "Wrong choice buddy. Guess you don't know who I am?" Colt spat as the man turned, baring a rage filled face. "I don't ask names, I do what im told." He circled Colt, looking for his opening when his fist connected hard with Colts jaw. The attacker grabbed the knife, as colt lunged forward, tackling him to the ground. Colts first landing blow after blow, the man lifted his hand, slicing into colts side. Fuck! Colt screamed out in pain, it only fueled his rage further as he screamed "Who sent you?" he screamed as he twisted his body bringing the mans arm behind him,incapacitating him. "Arg, not going. To tell you." Colt shook his head as he pulled his arm further behind him. "Ahhh. Wallace. His names wallace." Satisfied colt released his hold on the man, shoving him to the ground. "Of course he didnt give you a fucking name. The little bitch. He knew you'd never fucking do it." Colt circled the man, stalking him like a lion and he was his prey. The man looked up at him confused, A devious smirk played on his lips, "the names Kaneko." He let the name set in. "I'm thinking the letters M.P.C are flashing in your mind right now aren't they?"  The man sat there, paralyzed in fear. "Now, you run and tell all your friends, that MPC still runs things." The man nodded his head and took off.

Colt clutched his side,  the realization that he was hurt crashing down on him at once. He hopped on his bike, flying down the highway to the only place he could think to go.

He pulled up to a small house in a backwoods California town, Killed the engine and walked to the house. He reached the door, banging harder than necessary. "Colt. What the hell are you doing here?" The voice spoke through the latched door. "I know. I'm sorry but, its an emergency." He pulled his blood covered hand from his side. "I need your help."

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Roots and Leaves, Pt. 6

DC did it first. Take your grievances to them.

Jason and Sheila e-mail back and forth for about a week before she says that she has Thursday off so if he has Thursday off does he want to meet for lunch again?

Last time wasn’t bad. Not a lot of staring or people or anything. He can…he can probably do it again. And it’s a few days away still, so he has time to psyche himself up or, worst case scenario, fake his death and move to Canada.

And it’s been a week and she hasn’t pulled out the Pity Card on him yet and maybe…maybe this’ll all work out okay. She might never be Mom, because Catherine’s always gonna be Mom, but…but she could be Mother, maybe. He can see that in the distant (or not-so-distant?) future.

But he’s not going to rush into things, that’s what got him here in the first place. Patience, grasshopper.

Thursday rolls around and he hasn’t faked his death and moved to Canada, so he has no choice but to put on jeans and a hoodie and resign himself to a couple of hours, easy, of no sunglasses and no e-book shield.

Sorry, any small children who might come out of this traumatized.

Okay. He brings his Kindle anyway, and his sunglasses for the journey, and sticks to his normal Civilian Weaponry-couple’a knives, one pair of brass knuckles tucked into a hidden pocket in his hoodie. Last thing he needs is for someone to pick up a bullet, match it to the Red Hood’s, and come knocking on his door. His luck is bad enough that’s exactly what would happen.

Besides, it’s noon on a Thursday, and even in Gotham that’s a slow hour. Bank robbers gotta eat, too.

The monorail ride there is literal Hell (three fighting couples, two crying kids and old man with no personal spaaaaace!) and he’s literally gasping for air when he stumbles out of the car. He likes people. Honest. If he legitimately hated them all, he wouldn’t risk his life to help them. But interacting with them…he could do without that, mostly.

Whatever. Whatever. It’s over, he lived, he’s had worse.

(And no, he doesn’t hear faint cackling in his head, and that’s final.)

It’s windy today, the type of wind that buffets people every which way and is determined to keep his hood off his head. He fidgets with the drawstrings until it’ll stay and buries his hands in his pockets. Wind sucks. He can feel pollen and dust and Gotham Grime being blown onto his skin.

“Jason!”

Is he there already?

Sheila…looks a lot more haggard than she did before. He tries to remember if she’d mentioned being horribly busy, doesn’t think she did, and figures that to be fair, he hasn’t mentioned the bruise that goes halfway up his back.

She smiles, her awkward driver’s license smile, and waves. Yeah, she doesn’t…it must’ve been a long week, or maybe a rough drive or something. She looks tired.

“Hi.” He’s not sure what to call her, still. Miss Haywood is too disconnected, Sheila’s too personal, and it’s way, way too soon for Mother. Names are a pain. “I’m not late, am I?” He knows he’s not. “Monorail was packed.”

“So was the subway. Can I…?”

Her arms are half-out and he figures she’s asking for a hug. He can do a hug, as long as it’s a short hug.

“Yeah. Thanks for the warning.”

Holy crap, she feels frail. But to be fair, barring Dick’s tackle-hug, everyone’s felt frail since…since. So it could just be him. Hugs are weird now.

(“HUG YOUR DADDY!”)

No. Not today. Everything’s fine.

It’s a sort-of short hug, short enough, anyway, and he wonders, abstractedly, if a day will ever come that he’s used to that sort of thing again. If it even matters whether he does or doesn’t.

It does. Of course it does. And the day will come, in time, and he’ll be better, be normal, be what people want him to be.

Little steps.

* * *

They’ve fallen into a companionable silence and for once Jason’s not jumping whenever someone walks by in a purple sweater or anything when Sheila forces her lips out from between her teeth and says, “I know you were Robin.”

Well. That’s, uh, there’s that out of the way.

“Yeah.” There’s clearly no point in denying it. She probably put it together when Batman came knocking. “For a little while, yeah. I was.” He tastes blood, wonders how long he’s been doing that, and wishes he had gum. Or a mint. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you right off, I just…old habits die hard, I guess.”

“Oh God, no, no, I didn’t mean-” She takes a drink. Her hands are shaking, she’s shaking and he doesn’t know what’s wrong. “I just. I thought I should probably make it clear that I did know, so you wouldn’t…I know I was absent, but I don’t want…you shouldn’t feel like you have to hide things from me.”

Oh. That’s. He doesn’t know what to say. Bruce, God knows, has the emotional capabilities of a Himalayan Salt Lamp. Thankfully Jason hadn’t been the type to go through crushes every two weeks, or he probably would have been in Hell. He certainly wouldn’t have…it’s not like he would have shut down the conversation, but sharing and caring? That would have been awkward and best not repeated. Alfred was the go-to for that sorta thing.

All right, then. Since they’re dropping sudden bombshells ‘n all…he has to know.

“You worked for Joker.” There. It’s out. He said it.

And now he kinda regrets it-the self-loathing on her face is a pretty good match for his own, and he can’t tell himself it’s anything less than deep, deep wishing to have made better choices.

“I did.” She straightens up, begins tearing apart a piece of bread on her plate. “Briefly. I’m not proud, but he had a line to my mother, knew where she lived, knew her schedule…knew.” She swallows hard. “Knew she had to rubber-band her jam jars because she couldn’t open them otherwise. I panicked. But it was only for a couple of months-pills, he wanted pills, as much as I could get him. And then he just…went away. I don’t know what he did with them.”

Honestly, after everything, he can’t…he doesn’t have the right to say much. And honestly? There was that one guy, who accidentally cut the fucker off in traffic and couldn’t get away from him.

And look at him. The first man he killed, that wasn’t…oh, sure, he probably had it coming, at least a little, but Jason wasn’t thinking about that or considering it like he does now, he just…he wanted to kill Bruce. Because that was right and reason at the time even though he knows it’s insanity now.

No, he can’t say much.

“I’m sorry,” he says softly, and it’s suddenly easier to look at his hands. “I didn’t…that sounds awful.”

“No.” She tips his chin up and it’s an effort not to pull away and to remember that it’s fingers, warm human fingers, and not the pointy end of a crowbar against his skin. “You deserved to know. It’s only fair.”

Truth be told, it’s a relief to know that she hadn’t…yeah, technically she could’ve…maybe done something different, but she hadn’t wanted to work for him. She wasn’t like the ones he’d christened Dumb and Dumber that…they enjoyed that kinda work.

Lunch is finished in relative silence after that, though, and he’s wondering what’s going to happen now when she rifles through her purse and swears.

“Damn…I meant to grab an old photo album I wanted to show you, with some old family pictures and things.”

Pictures of Willis? Yeah, he’s good. Pictures of other people might be interesting, though.

“Next time?”

“My apartment’s a few blocks over.”

Something feels off. He’s paranoid, he knows he’s paranoid, but something…she’s been shaky and weird all afternoon and he doesn’t…

Calm the fuck down, you freak out when someone window-shops for too long!

“Is everything…is everything okay?”

Or maybe something is wrong-she pulls a napkin over and there’s suddenly a pen in her hand.

“I really do want you to see these pictures, Jason,” she says, but her hand is moving and there’s the ever-so-faint skrit-skrit of pen on paper. “I swear you got my mother’s eyes.”

The napkin slides over to him and he glances down. Her handwriting’s spikey and awful-doctor writing to the bone-but his is no better and he can read it well enough.

An old colleague has been hanging around the hospital lately.

Oh.

That explains a bit.

“Sure.”

Her shoulders drop and she crumples the napkin, nails picking it into shreds.

“I’m sorry to do this to you,” she says softly, nearly too soft for him to hear, and he’s quick to shake his head.

“No, no, I don’t mind, I’m glad you…if there’s anything I can do to…”

Shit, she looks like she’s going to start crying and that is indeed PANIC in his throat. Tears are not good.

“You’re a good boy.” Her voice is watery but there are no tears to be seen. Thank Jesus. “I promise next time we have lunch it’ll be normal.”

Oh, good, things haven’t plummeted down to fiery Hell because of all the revelations flying around.

“Everything’s gonna be fine,” he says, and whoops that’s his ‘all will be well, citizen, never fear!’ voice. But it must work, because the about-to-cry look disappears. “Um. Do you wanna…it looks like it’s gonna rain, should we get going?”

And so they do.

* * *

The wind has picked up and it smells like rain. He’s not looking forward to patrol later.

The wind’s not so bad, though, to stop Sheila from lighting up with a self-depreciating, “I know I’m a doctor and should know better, but I honestly don’t care.”

“I can’t really say anything.” He holds up his own pack and rattles it before pulling one out. It’s not as calming as it usually is and he doesn’t know why.

Eh. It’s been a long day, that’s all. He’s not used to interacting with people on a personal level anymore, which is his own fault and probably not necessarily a good thing.

The first few drops have started to fall when they arrive at her building-big, square, and simplistic. She fishes out her keys while they’re in the elevator (which smells like new car, for some reason).

The hallway is deserted. It’s a little creepy, to be honest-his own building might be crap, but there’s always activity. And then, of course, there was Arkham’s hallways, or what he could hear of them. Noisy. Always noisy. But this? Wayne Manor was silent like this. It unsettled him then and it unsettles him now. Call him a city boy, whatever, but he needs noise.

The brass knuckles and knives in his jacket are warm and comforting and he knows he’s not gonna need ‘em, but they make up for this creepy-ass silence.

Sheila opens the door and motions him inside. It’s dark inside-blackout curtains, probably-but he can hear the rain. It smells like new car in here, too, and he wonders, off-handedly, why-

-it’s not empty. He’s walked into one too many ‘empty’ buildings to be very, very attuned to the sound of somebody breathing. Okay. Be calm, back out and shut the door.

He’s about to do exactly that when the light switch clicks and bathes the whole place in stark white. White walls, white floors, white furniture.

Which only makes Harley Quinn stick out like a sore thumb in all that red and black.

“BAY-BEE!” She could never hope to match Joker’s grin, but she gives it a good go, stretching her makeup. Okay. Change of plans. Get Sheila out of here (and preferably out of the building), deal with Quinn. “It’s been a whiiiiile!”

He takes in the mallet leaning against the couch and the shotgun (are those fuzzy dice? Really?) in her hands and comes to the conclusion that great, she’s riding the crazy train.

But maybe she hasn’t seen Sheila yet. Where’s that goddamn light switch?

He moves, only a little, only to feel the unmistakable press of a gun against his lower back.

“Don’t. Move.”

And the world drops out from under him.

No. No, no, no, she said she quit, it was over, she said they’d let her go, she said-

The door shuts. He twists so he can still see Quinn in his peripheral. Sheila’s face is a blank mask-no tears, no joy, no nothing. Just quiet determination and he doesn’t understand, she said…

“Mom?” The word feels thick and wrong in his mouth, but maybe…maybe she’s brainwashed or hypnotized or something, maybe she doesn’t…isn’t…

“Sorry, kid.” The words are harsh but her tone isn’t. Quinn giggles in the background but she sounds so far away and Sheila’s still pressing a gun against him. “It was you or me, and, well…it had to be you.”

What?

“Aww, come to mama, baby!” Quinn giggles again before straightening up and scowling. “Now.”

His feet drag him forward, sneakers scuffing against the white carpet an’ Heaven’s s’posed ta be white, innit, so why does this feel like Hell and what’s going on she said she said-

For once horrible, desperate second, he wants Bruce. Bruce wouldn’t…yeah, he’d thought, at first, that he’d left him but he knows that he didn’t, he really didn’t, he just…

Bruce wouldn’t have pulled a gun on him, he wouldn’t and God, if he’d just fucking talked to him-

“I did what you wanted, Quinn.” Sheila’s voice is so, so flat and is this all she wanted from the beginning? Is it? “Now call your man.”

Quinn doesn’t even look at her. She’s looking at Jason like she always did-like she’s torn between wanting to rip his head off and wanting to wrap him in a blanket and keep him.

This is his own goddamn fault, he just thought…just once, just once-

“Quinn!” Desperation now, and the gun wobbles against his hoodie as she steps out from behind him. “I did what you said! Call your man!”

Okay. Okay.

He forces himself to take a few deep breaths that taste like that last cigarette outside and says, voice as steady as he can make it, “Let her go, Harley. Leave her alone, I’ll. I’ll do what you want, just. Just let her go.”

“Aww, look at you!” Her pigtails sway and he finds himself oddly hypnotized by the movement. “I knew ya had to be Robin for a reason.”

Yeah. Yeah, he was Robin and that’s all he’ll ever be, the one that fucked up.

“Please, Harley.”

“Nyeh…” She adjusts her grip on the gun, finger dancing near the trigger, and looks down at her knuckles. “Eeny, meanie, miny, moe, catch a Batman by the toe. If he hollers, let ‘im go, eeny…meanie…miny…moe!”

He sees it before she does it, but there’s no time-he’s moved maybe half a centimeter before the gun goes off-

-and Sheila.

Falls.

His ears are ringing. They’re ringing and everything’s so white except her, all blonde and blue and so fucking red because Harley didn’t miss and if he’d been quicker, he should have been-

“Aww, don’t be sad!” Harley’s not alone, of course she’s not. He should have known from the start stupidstupidstupid. “Doncha know what happens to people who know too much?”

Her eyes are open. They’re open and they’re looking at him like this is his fault and it is if he hadn’t…

S’like Joker said, once.

“Good boys know how to lay down and DIE.”

“Mistah J had a spot for ya, baby.” Huh? “But you up an’ left us before it was time! So since it’s his birthday-” The fucker has no birthday he just appeared one day too evil for Hell. “-I thought I’d get my puddin’ somethin’-” She winks. “Real nice.”

And they’re on him.

Harley’s goons are dumb, but they’re also big and they manage to drag him down for a minute before he gets a knife out of his sleeve and drives it into the nearest jaw.

“Andre!” Yeah, Andre ain’t comin’ back from that any time soon. “I thought we taught you manners!”

He reclaims his knife and scrambles back up and okay okay maybe he can get outta this-

WHAM!

Lights out.

Detective Richard Grayson - Chapter 5

Tension in Tim’s back tightens like a bow string and Dick prepares himself for him to try and deflect the conversation, move it onto something else, try to distract him. The scars move and shift across the tightening muscles, new ones catching his eye as Tim turns.

His gaze is dark and heavy, but completely different from earlier, no longer is there the hint of lust, now it’s just a stare of someone with a heavy burden on their shoulders. Someone who has long given up on people and lets the weight of the world bury them.

Dick’s seen this look a couple times, at the precinct there are officers with the same damning look. Who no longer see the goodness in the world and only Gotham’s gritty underbelly. From working impossible cases with harrowing circumstances.

A sigh is dragged between the younger man's lips. He flops over onto his back and looks up at Dick, his face entirely blank, but his eyes moving rapidly and Dick can only wonder what's going on inside his mind right now.

Dick still has a hollow feeling in his chest from the stuff he’s now figured out about Tim.

That he died.

Dick slowly places a hand on Tim’s arm and squeezes, taking a moment just to feel that he’s real.

He can’t fathom how it happened, apparently something magical according to Red Robin. Something powerful. It was something that he would have to ask, but right now, he needed Tim to come out and say it to him, let him in a little, so Dick could be there for him.

“Dick… It’s not that I don’t want to tell you… I just don’t know how…” Tim says, his voice quite.

Dick’s grip tightens and he hopes that it comes across reassuring and not like a threat. “I don’t want you to lie to me Tim. I won’t force you to tell me anything but please don't treat me like an idiot. I think I deserve more than that.”

Silence stretches between them for a moment, neither of them saying anything and just looking each other. Tim’s lashes fluttering as he blinks, eyes flickering in thought.

“Tell me what you know,” Tim says, breaking the quiet. He leans up on his elbows. “And I’ll fill in the blanks where I can.”

Dick releases a breath he wasn’t aware he was holding. This is going to be harder than Dick thought. He doesn’t know how much Tim is willing to tell him and though he said he’d fill in the blanks, that doesn’t mean he won’t leave things out.

But at least he is willing to talk, thats the main thing right now.

“You’re the Red Hood.” This is no time for subtlety. Tim has always been good at talking around discussions.

Tim’s face doesn’t change at the mention of his identity. Not a twitch. Dick has to give it to him that that's pretty impressive.

He nods slow, “Yes.” He doesn’t add anything else and Dick takes it that this is how it’s going to play out for now. Dick laying down what he knows and Tim comfiming.

“You got that graze on your arm from when you protected me, in that shoot out outside the coffee shop.” He begins, his gaze lingering on the wound for a moment before drifting back to Tim’s face.

Tim brings a hand up to the graze and nods.

“You were the Robin that hung around with me while I patrolled at night.” Dick says and cannot help but wonder at the young man beside him, with pale pink scars littering his delicate white skin. Showing that there is so much more that Dick doesn’t know.

He carries on before Tim does anything, “You know Batman because you were Robin.” It hurts and Dick feels like he’s looking at a stranger. Who is this man? Was the Tim he knew really? Or just another facade.

Tim and Robin were completely different,if Dick hadn’t of found out from Red Robin just who the Red hood was before, Dick never would of pegged that Tim and Robin were two in the same.

Tim was quiet and careful about everything that he did. Always sticking to the sidelines, never making a fuss. Robin was loud, brash, life of the night, always cracking jokes and telling terrible one liners. Two very different people.

And here was the Tim. The Red fucking Hood. Another face that Dick didn’t recognise but at the same time was closer to the Tim that he knew.

Tim’s mouth tightened at the corner. “That’s right.”

Dick can feel the frustration burning in his gut, he wants more than yes’s and no’s. But for now he will take what he can get.

“You own the theater that Bruce Wayne’s parents last visited. You were Bruce Wayne’s ward. You were the second Robin. Meaning there was a first, someone that came before you.” Dick mulls it over in his head for a second and it’s like smacking into a wall. It made so much more sense now. All of it. “Red Robin was the original Robin, partner to Batman. Jason fucking Todd was the original Robin right?” Dick can hear the hysteric tone in his own voice. “Batman is The Bruce Wayne, right?” Dick asks.

And this time he waits Tim out, he needs more than a nod. He needs to hear the words come from his mouth.

“Yes Dick,” Tim begins, he shifts to sit up against the headboard. “You’ve got it, Jason was the first Robin and Bruce is Batman. You have to swear Dick, that you won’t tell anyone else.” He’s bringing his knees up to his chest and Dick sees the tension tightening Tim’s muscles as he speaks.

“You know I wouldn’t do that Timmy.”

“I know,” He sighs. “It’s just been so long and the thought of trusting an-- an-- an outsider--” He cuts off for a moment taking a deep breath and Dick feels his chest constrict at the words, but he lets Tim have his moment. He doesn’t want to interrupt, not while Tim is willing to talk, no matter how much it hurts.

“I trust you with my life Dick, my secrets. But there are some secrets that aren’t just mine to share. You have to understand that. You figured out who I am and by association who Jason and Bruce are and that’s dangerous, for us and for you! I haven’t told anyone outside of the hero circle knows who I am, other than you that is. It's been ingrained into me from the start that no one is allowed to know. Bruce for all his teaching and preaching about keeping quiet about who we are, has let slip who he is, even to rather questionable people. But I wouldn’t be able to handle it. If something were to happen to you? Because I was selfish and wanted you to know? That-- that would ruin me.” Tim whispers the last bit is staring down at his hands, his gaze blank and eyes wide.

Dick reaches over and grips one of Tim’s hands when he sees Tim’s bottom lip tremble slightly.

Tim looks up at him and Dick can see the beginning of tears in his eyes. He can’t resist pulling the smaller man into his arms. Holding him close and tight against him, he can feel shudders running though his small frame as he suppresses his tears. Dick runs a hand through his too long hair and brushes light kisses to the top of Tim’s head.

“It’s ok Timmers, I’m here, I’m here.” He coo’s lightly and whispers soothing words into the young CEO’s hair, waiting for him to collect himself. He never thought that Tim would’ve thought about him to that extent. All the weight he has been carrying around because of the Bat and his rules.

Dick mentally makes himself a note that the next time he sees Batman to give him a piece of his mind for letting Tim go on like this and not helping. He’s supposed to be the world’s greatest detective right? How could he not see that Tim is suffering?

Tim wiggles in his arms and Dick loosens his hold slightly so that he can lean up on his elbows, when his face comes into view his eyes are red and slightly puffy and his bottom lip is caught between his teeth.

“You ok?” Dick asks, keeping his voice soft.

Tim nods and rolls over, coming to sit on the edge of the bed. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to word vomit all over you like that.” He says looking over his shoulder.

“No worries, in fact, I kinda like it.” Dick announces, he gets out of the bed and makes his way around to where Tim is sitting and smiles down at him, it grows wider at the look of confusion clouding Tim’s face. “That you can confide in me like that, that you don’t worry about what you’re about to say. Not the crying. But I’ll never say no to cuddles Timbo.”

Tim is laughing and Dick goes to pull on his clothes that are scattered all over, throwing Tim his stuff. “You’re aren’t an outside Dick.” Tim suddenly says as he pulls a top over his head. “And now that I’m back and you’ve figured out about the Red Hood, you better believe I’ll be around more.”

As soon as Dick pulls his pants up he rushes Tim and hugs him. “Thank God.” He breathes. “I had this horrible feeling that you were going to disappear on me again. I was going to use the Bat Signal on top on the GCPD to get the Bat to tell me where you were. You’re gonna tell him right?” Dick says, pulling away slightly to look Tim in the eye. “You’re going to let him know I know? I don’t want to have to hide from the Batman. I don’t think I’d do a very good job.”

Tim’s got a sly grin on his face. His eyes almost twinkelling in amusement. Dick feels his junk start to stir a little at that smile and the hidden promises behind it. “Don’t worry, I’ll let the big man know. He won’t be happy but he’ll just have to deal.”

“He isn’t just going ambush me right? I’ve heard stories man.” He jokes. But Tim’s just silent and Dick feels dread fill his stomach. “Timmy?”

“He might.” Tim say’s with a look of sympathy.

Dick groans, damn he hadn’t thought about having to deal with Batman. From what he’d heard from those unfortunate enough to meet him it was terrifying, whether you were a criminal or someone he was trying to help.

Dick looks at the time, “Do you have work today?”

“Shoot!” Tim shouts, stratelling Dick. “I have to be in early today! I have a RnD project to look over. Fuck.” He curses, he runs over to his closet and starts rummaging around.

Dick feels sadness seep into his bones. All hope that he could some extra time with Tim vanishing as he watches him rush around getting ready.

Dick has the day off, so he’ll be at home, alone.

Trying to shrug off the heavy feeling Dick collets the rest of his gear that he left lying around. “You want coffee before you go?.”He asks and Tim gives him a quick yes before disappearing into the bathroom.

He hears the shower turn on as he pops on the coffee maker.

Taking a moment while it does its thing Dick takes a wonder about the room. Looking at the books, dvd’s and albums Tim’s put on display. The record they were dancing to is still out so Dick pick’s it up and puts it back into the sleeve before setting it down on the side.

He would try putting it away but from what he can see there is no rhyme or reason as to how anything is put away, but he isn’t going to risk messing up Tim’s system.

He remembers once, back when they were younger and Tim would invite him to Drake manor once in a while, when his parents were abroad. He was looking through Tim’s dvd collection in the rec room and as he was putting them away. Tim had ran over to him and snatched the dvd’s right from his hands and informed him that he was doing it “all wrong”. Dick didn’t know that putting them in alphabetical order was such a crime, but from then on Dick wasn’t aloud to sort or put anything anywhere without Tim watching him carefully.

Dick’s still laughing at the image of Tim in all his tiny fury when the coffee maker beeps. He pours to cups and sits at the table and waits for Tim.

He’s halfway through his when he hears the shower shut off and couple of minutes later Tim comes out of the bedroom with wet hair and wearing a fitted suit that makes Dick just want to mess him up. He grips his cup a little tighter than necessary to keep from reaching out and untucking Tim’s shirt.

“Here.” He says, lifting the other cup upto Tim who takes it gratefully.

He’s inhaling it like someone’ll take it from him at any moment. “Thank you.” Tim sighs, shoulders sagging in pleasure.

Dick finishes his drink and puts his cup in the sink. “Are you going to be leaving soon?” He asks.

“Yeah, I’m going to finish this and head off, you want a lift home?” Tim asks.

Dick smiles and wraps a hand around Tim’s back. “That--” He breaks off momentarily to kiss those beautiful lips. “Would be fantastic.”

Tim grins up at him and quickly finishes his coffee. “Let's get going then handsome.” Tim grabs his keys and heads for the door.

Dick can’t keep the grin off his face for the rest of the day.

Thank you for reading! Had some trouble writing this chapter, hope its ok!  Also if anyone knows how to get the read me link to work else where other than just the dashboard please let me know! I’ve tried a couple of things but I cannot seem to get it to work! Thank you!

To be honest im very glad she loves her boyfriend so much, initially i asked about her relationship status and she said it was open, and was very firm about that fact, emphasizing it to the point that it was the only thing leading me to believe she was at all receptive to my advances, of course thats not enough because i was so forward, and i knew she just likely wasnt that into me. but today when i pressed the issue, as i am a horny man and frankly im in a damn hurry, she changed her tune, now he was her soul mate. and you know what nothing could have made me happier. my last serious girlfriend was in a committed relationship but it was on the rocks, in part do to her going off her birth control (i was high test compared to her boyfriend, he had better musculature but prenatal test exposure was lower in the womb as evident by me being 6′2 and having masculinized bone structure in comparison to his.) and losing all attraction to him, also i kind of fucked their shit up by randomly confessing my feelings for her, we had known each other for close to ten years at that point, but i never made my feelings known because she was so fucking hot to me i just never thought of her as a possibility quite frankly, i was fucking SHOCKED to find out she felt exactly the same. this same exact scenario played out for me when i was a young man and i literally forced my girlfriend to go on hormonal birth control, the hormones in birth control literally trick your body into thinking that your pregnant, and pregnant women have different taste in men, they are looking for a provider obviously, their behavior changes dramatically, in part because they lose interest in higher testosterone but good physical genetics mates as they need someone to be their when they raise their baby, typically (naturally) this only lasts for 9 months than the baby comes, if the man who fathered the child is able to weather the emotional shit storm, he will stick with you through anything, and is thus a good potential provider for your offspring, the opposite is true if they met you while on hormonal birth control, as they value you for your provider traits and when they go off the bc their body thinks they are no longer pregnant, hence her looking for a big strong bull (me) too impregnate her.

    she knew this indian guy since they were children, it was fucking obvious they were meant to be together, i hated being responsible for the heartbreak i caused BOTH of them. dude still wanted to be with her after she kicked him out of her life to fuck some drug addicted retard (me) but  heres the thing i am not talking shit about her, they literally cant fucking help it, we are slaves to our hormones. i was very pleased to find out that she was hesitant to go on birth control as it “makes her crazy” i was so glad she brought it up and felt that way, as imagine going over this shit with a potential girlfriend, imagine how well thats going to go over! i have been familiar with hormonal BC’s effects on womens sexual preferences and ability to pair bond since i watched a documentary on the discovery channel about sex with i was 13, i was trying to masturbate, but i learned a lot instead, despite how crazy this sounds, all of this is accepted science and new papers get released about it every couple of years or so, its fucking insane that women arent made aware of this common side effect of birth control, so imagine how fucking conflicted i felt when she was adamant about getting back on birth control, i was 99 percent sure she would fall out of love with me, and at the time , it was insane to me how much she clearly loved me, she promised shed get off birth control as soon as i asked, i pleaded with her, saying that by the time she was on bc for even a couple weeks shed no longer love me or give a fucking shit what i had to say anymore, which seemed RIDICULOUS at the time, but she promised shed go off it as soon as i asked, i knew that would not be the case. within literal days after getting the hormonal IUD put in, she stopped looking at me the same, we started fighting all the time, it was horrible to see, especially for the second time, all men know what i am talking about, when that lok disappears, and of course she didnt get it taken out when i asked, and of course the fighting got worse and worse, who the fuck could stand living with me without loving me, suddenly all the bad shit about me (no job prospects, bad provider) that she had already been aware of for years became an issue, blah blah blah, it wasnt her fault, imagine being forced to live iwth someone who you didnt love, who loved you and stil wanted to fuck you. and of course as the fighting got worse and she slept on the couch, i could no longer sleep, i became obsessively jealous (mate retention strategy caused by testosterone masculinizing the brain) i knew she wasnt cheating on me, there was literally no way, but my guts were twisting and churning every single day, my behavior became increasingly erratic (men behave irrationally as well, in their own way) it all came to a head, after a solid month of the cold shoulder, i had finally landed a job interview to be a car salesmen (i built up a relationship with the neighbor i smoked iwth, and he landed me the job) but the  day before i was set to be interviewed we had a massive fight which i started, because i tried to reason with her (in love men and women arent governed by reason) that she had been giving me the silent treatment for a month and i had been on my best behavior, which i had been, buying her gifts and flowers with the profit sharing check i got from my old job, but she started grabbing her stuff to leave, she wouldnt tell me where she was going and in my irrational state i was sure she was going to fuck an entire football team, an unbelievably searingly painful thought for a man, women literally cant comprehend this as they dont experience jealousy in the same way men do. so i slammed out of the house first into the streets of new york city, huffing and puffing trying to to cry as i pushed past the crowded streets, it was like 4 pm in the middle of queens. i found a bar and sat at the center of the bar, it was pretty empty when i walked in since it was like four o clock in the afternoon. i had 300 hundred dollars in my pocket and i spent it all that very night on beers and shots and whiskey sours, i had never gone to a bar of my own volition before and can count on one hand the amount of times id set foot in a bar, but i had been drinking more than i ever had in my life. the pain of jealousy and losing someone that i sincerely loved, and intended to marry was so intense that i started drinking and basically didnt stop until we were separated (havent really touched the stuff since, i dont really like alcohol) but i was losing the girl i loved, she was supposed to be my wife. i drank like there was no fucking tomorrow, just waiting for her to call me, which she did, but there was no love in her voice, no news on where she was, or who she was with (her girlfriends, studying for an exam) so i hung up and went back to drinking, my bartender was a young women, who may have been pretty i was not paying attention, so much so that when she finished her shift and left the bar, and a young woman sat next to me at the bar and tried to talk to me, she grew angry with me that i didnt realize it was the same bartender, who had been serving me drinks all night, she left in a huff, soon i felt people pressing up against my back as i finished my 20th drink of the day, i was way past my limit, but i was about to lose the girl i loved and become homeless on the streets of new york in my mind, she would never have done that to me, but my “home” had evaporated as soon as i left to new york, and after i lost my job delivering refrigerators he made it pretty clear he didnt want me around. he was not my real dad after all, just another of my mothers boyfriends, its not the same as a biological dad, for as good as he was and as much as he did for me, i was becoming too much, i cant describe the fear of the streets for someone who spent their lives homeless or near homeless is like, its always there. so i drank that way as the NYC bar grew very crowded and noisey, i had picked the hottest socail spot in the city to drown my sorrows,. i would drink until i couldnt feel the pain anymore, go home, puke my guts out, not remember anything and then regroup in the morning after she got home from her boyfriends house, thats a problem for tomorrow me. i was just waiting for her to call me and maybe show me some sign of warmth, some sign of the person i fell in love with. she did call me in fact, i was too drunk and the bar was too loud for me to hear it, i got up to take a piss and only then realized how crowded the bar actually was, people were dancing behind me the whole time and i didnt even realize it, it was packed from wall to wall, as i got up to take my piss, my last five fell out of my pocket onto the ground and i nearly fell over trying ot pick it up, plus the last shot i took i just spilled down my shirt sleeve, it was time to go home. i drunkenly stumbled towards the door the bar was so packed i literally had to raise my arms into the air (this detail will be important for later) as i made my way towards the exit suddenly she appeared in the doorway, i cannot describe to you my relief in this moment, how did she even find me? it was the last clear memory i have from that night, the only other memory i have is foggy, me drunkenly bragging that i could have beat up every dude in the bar and girls were totally trying to fuck me (see? im valuable) as she drove me home, the rest of that night is completely lost to me, i found myself suddenly in our bed, in the morning, i felt more hungover than i had ever been in my life by a factor of ten, i was shaking uncontrollably still half drunk and frightened (if youve never blacked completely out before you cant know what thats like) she informed me that i had pushed her, i was horrified, how could this have happened, and what more could i have been capable of, i didnt have time to process that however as her dad was on his way over from upstate new york, in my half drunk and frightened mind i knew he was coming to fight me, i went into fight or flgiht mode *if your dead comes here i wil lfuck him up!” even i couldnt believe i said that , her father was an unbelievably kind and gentle man, but i was frightened, i was gonna be homeless on the streets of new york, a forgotten man who fell through the cracks in the safety net, and worse i deserved it, my sense of self was shattered, how could i have pushed her? she made the right decision in having her father turn around, and head back to upsate new york. i cried like a fucking baby, how could i have done this? my father was a drunk who beat the shit out of my mother, and i remembered it vividly. i sobbed and sobbed, i had been doing a lot of that, i loved her from the beginning and worse, she had loved me too. i had no way of contextualizing it either, for me it was as if someone had woken me up to inform me that in my sleep i had punched a child, think about that, how do you process it? i had prided myself in never putting my hands on a woman unless she asked first (thats its own story that i will never fucking tell)  i ddint even remember it, like at all, i ddint even remember us fighting, apparently i was barfing and doing somersaults of the bed and shit, as you do when you are blackout drunk. and she had never drank a drop of alcohol or smoked a single weed in her life, she must have been absolutely terrified. i wanted to die, it was over for good. we had made up in a sense, as the reality of the situation set in, we only ever held each other on the first and last night i was in newyork, and both times, you wont believe this but i have to say it because it was so strange, we cuddled face to face while her two cats cuddled each other inbetween us, only the first and last night.

  part of why it was so hard for me, was because i knew i would miss her bitterly for the rest of my life, literally every day until i died, i knew from experience, and she woudl be really upset for a few months maybe and then never think about me again. my only hope was that she got back together with tha tindian boy she grew up with, he fucking cried outside of their apartment, and stil  asked about her when she left him for me, this tore me up, as id been on the other end of that, he loved her better than i did, they were meant to be married but hormonal fucker and jewish sabotage has a combined effect of just fucking women right up, men too but i feel worse for the women. if you fuck a guy you should just stay with them honestly, you will be much happier long term. this started out as one thing, and then turned into something different, as i had been meaning to tell that story for years now. i know it seems like a lot of self pity and to be fair theres a lot of remorse too even to this day, i barely touched a drop of alcohol in the years since, and occasionally it will hit me like a ton of bricks out of the blue and i will excuse myself into my room to cry into the macaroni and cheese i was eating.