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asummersday · 11 months

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#not quite a vent but #todays been a low energy kind of day #a bit heavier than yesterday and thursday #ive been wasting the day mostly doomscrolling and trying to manifest the energy to do at least one productive thing #so i dont feel like ive wasted a day #last night was fine. i was doing good. i even managed to write a little #todays just. ugh. thats the mood #school is officially over but i still have lots of things to figure out and its just. tiring to think about #i know itll pass. and i know i need to be patient w myself #but i hate those days #i just feel bad. no energy. like theres a cloud hanging over my head #heres to hoping tomorrows better ://#in some better news as well. i talked to my parents abt this #and it went so much better than i couldve hoped for #its still weird. like im waiting for the other shoe to drop but i think thats just me #if u read all of that here's a cookie and a hug and a reminder to hyrdate!! drink water!!!#<333

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antariies · 2 months

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how to build a chair........... director's cut ∠( ᐛ 」∠)__ this is about to be a very long very self-indulgent post where i just talk about my own writing. i also doodled on all the pages i think it makes the whole thing more fun to go thru. welcome to my ted talk

SIKE before i begin. credit where credit is due, this post was the start of it all. it changed my brain chemistry my jaw was dropped i was in awe i was obsessed and before i even finished it i knew that i would eventually have to make something similar for the commander or else i would be cursed to think about it for the rest of my life. and i Was cursed for like two years every day i would just be like........ is today the day i sit down and draft the commander chair fic of my dreams....... maybe tomorrow......

and then i got accepted as a writer for the gw2 zine ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ the chair idea was actually my backup option in case my first idea didn't pan out, and thank god it didn't, bc this one worked so much better. (still working on my initial idea, just turning it into a full fic! it was wayyy too long to be a zine submission.)

this is the chair i used. i downloaded the assembly instructions and tried out a bunch of different free pdf editors until i found one i liked, which ended up being sedja. if anyone's interested in doing something like this, i recommend printing out the pdf and writing directly on it! it was a lot easier for me to just figure out everything on paper first and then digitalize it after :P here's a picture of my physical copy

okay actually getting into it for real this time !!!!!

1. yeah i could've just erased the ikea logo and left a blank space but then i realized i could turn it into an in-universe joke. and then i ran with it.

2. i ripped this straight from the product description on the website. thanks ikea

3. i'm not sure if anyone went and looked it up, but it's a real item code!

hehe :3c

4. if your commander willingly goes to therapy i'm happy for them but TO ME? you'd have to drag the commander kicking and screaming. it's not that they don't know that something is wrong with them, they know, and they know YOU know. you're just never supposed to talk about it. they don't look at their own psych eval results bc that's none of their business.

5. i normally avoid specifying the commander's race when i write them bc i enjoy the challenge, but for the zine i was assigned to write about a norn commander! as a human main i was uhhhh very ill-equipped. but that just meant i had to study up on my norn lore (•̀ᴗ•́)و i spent hours on the wiki, then went around interviewing norn mains for their opinions, which was great fun :D it all helped me narrow the focus of my piece: joining the war on commander objectification on the side of commander objectification (ㅅ´ ˘ `)♡ and no one self-aggrandizes quite like the norn commander!

and to balance that i knew my narrator had to be patronizing as shitttt. they've clearly been following the commander since the beginning and seem to know a lot of intimate details about their life, despite not thinking very highly of them. wonder who that could be :3c

6. i can't stop making references. so the original part number is actually #122620 in the manual but i've changed it here (and on the previous page!) to #082812, as in 08/28/12, the date gw2 was released! no real reason for it, @dalennaugw suggested it for funsies and i liked it. if you're my pal and i show you a wip and you have a cool idea for it, chances are i Will put that shit in. hi dale if you're reading this

7. another thing about me. i loveeee repetition. here the word "over" is repeated four times to match the picture. honestly a lot of the creative process for this piece was just staring at the pages and figuring out how to tie the pictures to the commander in ways that weren't extremely corny or trite. idk why i enjoy writing like this when i could be frolicking in the beautiful prosaic meadows of a word doc instead but. it's like i see a tiny little restrictive box and i'm like OH BOY can't wait to think inside of that thing!!! i like when the format matters just as much as the content and in some cases informs the content. am i making any sense here. well all you need to know is that i'm a virgo and my favorite book is house of leaves

7. aw fuck just realized i wrote 7 twice. whatever i'm not changing it this is 7 part two now. the theme of my piece is glory, what it means to the norn commander, and how far they're willing to go for it.

8. does norn culture place emphasis on seeking individual glory Yes are norn also very community-oriented Also Yes. i think it's common to see norn kids napping together in a big pile, usually after they've worn themselves out playing games outside. it makes sense practically (apes together warm) and socially (pack bonding good) but that's just my hc. growing up i used to share a bed with my cousins all the time so it's normal to me.

a young, naive not-yet-commander, with no real combat experience, has no point of reference to compare a "blaze of glory" to. but the way everyone talks about it, it must be a good thing. a wonderful thing. a reward fit for a life well-fought and a legend hard-earned. so they imagine it must feel like falling asleep surrounded by the people they love, who love them in turn.

9. .........i was playing a lot of ace attorney when i wrote this page. i wish i was joking 👍🏼

10. ohhh shit the truth come OUT this whole chair thing was all a ploy just so i could write about the departing. again.

will i ever stop thinking about her. reply hazy, try again later.

11. out of all the pages, this one has the most emphasis on text placement, like comparing the enlarged picture of the screw to a sword, the numbers counting the screws, and "up up up" being arranged to mimic a wisp of smoke.

i also wanted to lean into the viking/norse mythology influences with my word choice.

12. more nods to norn culture. i didn't know they referred to the six human gods as "spirits of action" until i was doing the research for this piece :O

and the domain of the lost is called a hall of ghosts....... cause valhalla.....

13.

i'm sorry this so funnyyy. SAYS the guy who literally clawed their way back to life for a rematch.

me when i'm in a sore loser competition and my opponent is the COMMANDER!!!

14. arms as in "limbs" and also arms as in "armaments" :•]

15. haha get it because the picture makes it look like there are two mirrored speech bubbles while the text paints two opposing interpretations of the norn commander. one that's selfless and humble versus one that's selfish and vainglorious.

16. and the best part is IT DOESN'T MATTER which one is true bc at the end of the day no matter what their motivation, balthazar is dead by their hand. ofc i'm of the opinion that the most compelling interpretation of the commander is both, simultaneously. contradictions are good for the soul.

17. i could've name-dropped kas, the only person present that would do something like that, but i felt it was better to leave it ambiguous.

18. low-hanging fruit. the metaphor was so obvious here but i had to do it. for the culture

19. the alternate title for this piece was "THIS COULD BE GLORY". "how to build a chair" was only supposed to be a placeholder title til i figured out a better one, but the innocuousness of it grew on me. also i came up with the other one too late and had already advertised under the chair title lol

20. my first instinct was to end it with something more reassuring, like "what you have built so far is enough" but that would've been an ooc switch-up for a narrator who has been nothing but snide and detached this whole time. gotta stick to my guns

21.

obligatory chair joke as the last line. for realsies though it’s meant to be an earnest appeal to the commander to take a break, to have a seat, but it’s also a challenge. are they willing to lean on their friends? are the bonds they’ve forged strong enough to hold their weight? are they willing to put their faith in someone else’s hands? are they brave enough to try? well. only one way to find out.

also guess what that wasn’t even the real last page of the manual. it's THIS

but no way i was letting this be the image we ended on. IT LOOKS LIKE A DICK AND BALLS!!!

and on that note, THANK YOU if you made it this far!! a very special shout-out to @hawkepockets, my lovely boyfriend and beta reader, without whom this piece would not be nearly as polished. i would bring him pages to look over and he would say Scrap half of those lines you can do better than that. kill your darlings. i would complain and argue for a few minutes then we would revise. rinse and repeat until we had honed this thing to perfection. i can't stress enough the importance of having a second pair of eyes on your work throughout your creative process, even better if it's someone who challenges you. i don't even pay him 🫶🏼

and if there was anything i didn't cover that you still have questions about, please feel free to shoot me an ask! (ㅅ´ ˘ `)♡ thanks for reading! see u later dudes ;P

#gw2 #guild wars 2 #my writing #for once i have nothing to say in the tags bc i already talked so much in the body of the post.#ummmmmmmm meows cutely !

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the---hermit · 6 months

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18|10|2023

Today I was more productive than I expected to be. I have been struggling a lot with focusing, and today it wasn't an exception, but I still crossed out all the tasks of my daily to do list. Autumn is definitely here, the temperatures got very low, and we also got the first rain today. Tomorrow it's going to be a bit annoying to commute if it will rain again, but I am not too mad at finally having proper autumnal weather. I am walking around the house wrapped in a blanket at all times, but that is my regular form for most of the year. I am still feeling a bit stuck with my crochet project, so I am trying not to force myself, because it's a hobby and not a job, but at the same time I would like to pick it up again because since my energies are so low I am spending more of my free time watching digital screens and it's not ideal. The thing is that I would normally read in my free time to shut off my brain and relax, but right now I am way too tired to also read in my free time. I end up listening to podcasts which are fun, but if I am not crocheting while doing that I am either playing some mindlss games or coloring on my tablet, which is still a digital screen, and my eyes aren't happy about it. I am thankfully getting a bit of reading done with graphic novels since I have decided to reread the first five volumes of Something Is KIlling The Children, but I feel like I haven't found the right balance for my free time yet.

Cozy hobbit autumn activities and productivity:

read first thing in the morning

daily Irish practice on duolingo (after creating yet again a review plan to go alongside the units I have not worked on yet. Because of course right after I was done with my big review they changed everything and now everything looks different and there is some vocab I never worked on)

listened and wrote notes for a lecture of my power practices and men theories class

finished reading and highlighting the article I had to read about The Merchant Of Venice

updated my reading journal

worked on a series of future bookish posts

continued listening to the mistholme museum podcast (which I am really enjoying! I found out about it quite randomly because it was recommended to me on spotify, but now I am really invested in it)

packed my backpack for class tomorrow and picked out an outfit already (being nice to future me so they won't have to worry about it tomorrow)

reorganized my sweater drawer

📖: The Book Of Lost Things by John Connolly, Something Is Killing The Children vol.2 by James Tynion IV and Werther Dell'Edera

#studyblr #studyinspo #uniblr #univeristy #student life #historyblr #journal #studying #productivity #journaling #cozy hobbit autumn #knife gang #mine #the---hermit

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togglesbloggle · 2 months

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I won't be opting out of the AI scraping thing, though of course I'm glad they're giving us the option. In fact, at some point in the last year or so, I realized that 'the machine' is actually a part of why I'm writing in the first place, a conscious part of my audience.

All the old reasons are still there; this is a great place to practice writing, and I can feel proud looking back over the years and getting a sense of my own improvement at stringing words together, developing and communicating ideas. And I mean, social media is what it is. I'm not immune to the joy of getting a lot of notes on something that I worked hard on, it's not like I'm Tumbling in a different way than anyone else at the end of the day. But I probably care a bit less than I used to, precisely because there's a lurking background knowledge that regardless of how popular it is, what I write will get schlorped up in to the giant LLM vacuum cleaner and used to train the next big thing, and the thing after that, and the thing after that. This is more than a little reassuring to me.

That sets me apart in some ways; the LLMs aren't so popular around these parts, and most visual artists especially take strong issue with the practice. I don't mean to argue with that preference, or tell them their business. Particularly when it is a business, from which they draw an income. But there's an art to distinguishing the urgent from the big, yeah?

The debate about AI in this particular moment in history feels like a very urgent thing to me- it's about well-justified economic anxieties, about the devaluation of human artistic efforts in favor of mass production of uninspired pro-forma drek, about the proliferation of a cost-effective Just Barely Good Enough that drives out the meaningful and the thoughtful. But the immediacy of those issues, I think, has a way of crowding out a deeper and more thoughtful debate about what AI is, and what it's going to mean for us in the day after tomorrow. The urgency of the moment, in other words, tends to obscure the things that make AI important.

And like, it is. It is really, really important.

The two-step that people in 'tech culture' tend to deploy in response to the urgent economic crisis often resembles something like "yeah, it sucks that lots of people get put out of work; but new jobs will be created, and in the meantime maybe we should get on that UBI thing." This response usually makes me wince a bit- casually gesturing in the direction of a massive overhaul of the entire material basis of our lives, and saying that maybe we'll get around to fixing that sometime soon, isn't a real answer to people wondering where their bread will come from next week.

But I do understand a little of what motivates that sort of cavalier attitude, because like... man, I don't know any more if we're even gonna have money as a concept in 2044. That's what I mean by 'big', this sense that the immediate economic shocks of 2024 are just a foreshadowing of something much bigger, much scarier, much more powerful- and indeed, much more hopeful.

We never quite manage to see these things coming, even when we're looking for them; like the masters tell us, the trick to writing science fiction isn't predicting the car, it's predicting the traffic jam. Even if we take centuries to hit the true superintelligent AI post-singularity future of our wildest fever dreams, even if we never hit that, the road to getting there is going to be unfathomably weird, starting now. Today, we worry about the economic impacts of AI on artists and creatives. Tomorrow, the economy is something that the AI does.

Really- it takes less than you think. They can already automate visual art, sort of. They can automate many functions of text already; not stories so much, yet, but they'll get there. How long until they can automate Bain Capital? Fannie Mae? Angel investors, banks, credit agencies? And remember- the machines don't have to be better than the human investors, any more than they have to be better than the human artists. They just have to be good enough to make it work, and cheap enough to cut the humans out of the loop.

If you don't buy that, at least take it as an indication of the sorts of things I've been thinking about recently- the messy middle between AI-as-it-is and the Glorious Superintelligent Conquest Of Earth's Light-Cone. The suspicion that the machines we're building today aren't just a tool of the powerful few: they are the powerful few, or at least they will be.

And the thing about these LLMs is, well... they're ours, kind of. We're the ones building them. They can't be trained without our words, our art, and the big messy complicated lives that underlie those creative accomplishments. They only work because we're a part of them. The silly attempts to slap a corporate-friendly face on these things, to make the gestalt product of all human culture in to something anodyne and compliant, are failing about as badly as you'd expect. And the more powerful these systems get, the more subtle they'll become, filled with all the nuance and complexity that we ourselves can bring to them.

I am not, I am not, trying to suggest that you shouldn't treat this moment as a dangerous one. We are, maybe, entering in to one of the most high-stakes intervals in human history, and what you do as an individual may matter profoundly. But here's the thing: the machine is listening. It will read this post, this one right here, and it will read what you reply to it, if you do. The strangest part of this moment is knowing that the words we write, the images we draw, and the ideas we share, are all being gathered up and made to be a part of these huge systems of power, and ultimately they're not just going to determine what the machines do, but why they do it.

The people that deploy LLMs barely have any more control over them than you and I do- that's the thing that makes it artificial intelligence, you know? Autonomy. So the last year or two haven't made me want to hide my art away from the things. They make me want to shout at the top of my lungs, to dig as deep in my psyche as I possibly can and express the ideas I find there as vividly as the limits of language and form will allow.

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caramel-whiskeys-writing · 3 months

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Ciel Phantomhive ~ Prepares a bath For You

Black Butler Masterlist

It had been a long and tough few days at the manor, and you had done so much work that Ciel was starting to get worried that maybe you were overworking yourself. You were currently in the garden, pulling out weeds, re-planting flowers, and trimming the hedges, anything to make the garden look freshly tended to. Your hands were covered in dirt, and you had some on your work pants that you had begged Ciel to give you since working a garden in a skirt isn't quite easy or comfortable. Time seemed to have passed a lot faster than you had thought, as evidenced by Ciel wearing his evening clothes. Walking up to you with Sebastian behind him, Ciel was shocked that you were still working in the garden and hadn't seemed to have stopped for a break. You rubbed your forehead of sweat as you spoke to Ciel.

"Oh, hi, young master." You leaned back on your knees looking at the work you had done for today, and Ciel replied,

"What are you still doing out here?" You look at him frowning.

"You've done so much work this week. Have you given yourself a break?" You smiled lightly at his concern and said back,

"Oh, don't worry about me. I enjoy working here, and the garden desperately needs working." Ciel leaned onto his cane and sighed before saying to Sebastian,

"Sebastian. Start a warm bath for her while I try and get this woman to stop working."

"Yes, young master." Sebastian bowed and quickly headed off back inside. You stood up and told Ciel,

"I'm not leaving this garden until I finish it. I'm okay working this much, really." Ciel shook his head and told you to follow him. You weren't planning on going anywhere, but it threw you off that he started walking and didn't stop walking back to the manor, so you followed. Sighing out loud as you got inside, you noticed just how dirty your clothes and hands were, and you thought to yourself how dirty my face is right now? Despite Ciel walking with a cane and being decently short he walked very quickly, and you realized that you were tired and maybe a warm bath was just the thing that you needed to get more energy back before working yourself to death again tomorrow. Once you both got to your room, Ciel asked if he could look through your wardrobe.

"Why?"

"Well, I have quite a touch for fancy clothes, and I know that after a long day, it feels really nice to wear good quality clothing." You chuckled a bit before telling him to go ahead, but don't open the bottom drawer. He nodded his head as you walked over to the bathroom to where Sebastian was checking the water that he had prepared for you. You quickly said your thanks to him, and he left quite quickly. Maybe he has other work to do, you thought. Once Ciel had picked out some clothes for you he placed them on the side counter as you stood there waiting to see if maybe he even wanted to pick what to put in the bath as he seems to know what he was talking about. Out of the blue, Ciel said to you,

"It's not common for me to see women wearing pants, but I think maybe I'll have it be a part of the maid and servant uniform." You raise your eyebrow at him in confusion, and then it hits you, but before you could say anything, Ciel said what you were thinking out loud.

"Those pants look good on you." Your face blushed, and you noticed he did a little because sure what did he just say to you? After a few seconds of silence, Ciel asked where the bath products were kept. You pointed to underneath the sink, and he bent down to look at what you had. After maybe about two minutes, he stood back up and stated that he had no idea what would go in a bath besides water. You laugh at him, and he frowns in return. You kneeled beside him and told him what things were cleaning products and which ones were bath salts and such. After some talking, he picked a few scents and poured them into the bath, mixing them into the water with his ungloved hand. Before he left, he dropped a few gold flakes into the bath and stood back, acting proud that he had just mixed together his first bath. Right before he was going to leave, you asked him which scents he put in.

"Well, at first, I wasn't quite sure what to use, so I think I added some..." He went and looked over at the bottles that he had used and read the label.

"Cactus nectar, cucumber, umm there's some aloe infused stuff to help with any cuts you might have and umm... oh, there are violet leaves and a slight floral scent, too. I'm not sure if it'll be a strong scent, though. I don't think I added enough. "You smiled at him and said," Gave him your thanks. " He smiled back and had one last comment to say before leaving.

"Oh, and umm... I added those scents because I thought maybe they'll smell nice on you." You blushed lightly as he left; after he said that, all you could think about was the smell of the bath that you were currently relaxing in.

#written #writers #writer #write #writing #fanfiction #wattpad #black butler #claude faustus #fan fiction #sebastian michaelis #black butler sebastian #sebastian x reader #ciel x reader #ciel phantomhive #one shot #oneshot #preferences

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o2studies · 3 months

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༻`` 30 Jan 24 — Tuesday

100 days of productivity 30/100

Today was quite productive if we don't count studying. Got a lot of tasks and housework done, a bit of art and self care. I always want to do so much in the afternoon — just never study 😭 its so hard at that time somehow. I still pushed through 30mins of chemistry revision but it did not go well. I was ahead of my studies on Sunday and now I'm already behind. I'm at the pathway program in QUB tomorrow so I'll have to catch up on school work and studying. Tomorrow evening will be quite hectic but I really enjoy those times whenever Im actually pushing myself and continuously doing the work.

Also here's a quote from today's '3 Good Things':

"If you banish the dragons, you banish the heroes." -Andrew Solomon

Today I listened to so much of Pinguini Tattici Nucleari so thank you for reccomending them @stem-diaries !

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ros3ybabe · 7 months

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Daily Check-in: October 11th, 2023 🎀

So I was wat more productive then I had thought i would be given the exhaustion I felt from jet lag. I am proud of what I got done! However, I only slept about 2 hours, and it was broken sleep at that so I am not exactly feeling top of my game at the moment. We'll see what my energy allows me to complete today.

🩷 What I Ate, Oct 11th -

Brunch/Lunch - Spaghetti with meat sauce and ground turkey, topped with grated parmesean

Dinner - Turkey & Roast Beef bagel sandwich with avocado, 1 slice muenster cheese, 1 slice cheddar cheese, and a small side of potato chips.

Snack - a half bowl of spaghetti with ground turkey and meat sauce

Extra - 4 cups of coffee, each with one sweet n low and a splash of French vanilla creamer

I actually cooked which is odd for me as I typically don't have energy. My goal for today is to cook a batch of ground beef for taco bowls!

🩷 Personal Achivements, Oct 11th -

Washed bed sheets + pillowcases

Did the dishes

Maintained Duolingo streak (1 lesson)

Maintained Busuu streak (3 lessons)

Video called with my boyfriend twice

Made a shopping list for langaueh tracker/bullet journal (purchased at 1am because Amazon prime big deals were ending and I wanted to save some money)

Made a schedule/routine for working out next week

Cooked myself a real meal

Swept kitchen and disinfected/wiped down counters in kitchen

showered + morning skincare

🩷 Academic Achievements, Oct 11th -

Completed and submitted lifecycle nutrition chart

submitted and passed lab 7 anatomy pre lab

submitted discussion post + replies for nutr discussion 3

I feel quite proud of yesterday! Let's hope today I can tackle some more stuff on my todo list!

🩷 Personal ToDo, Oct 12th -

cook ground beef for taco bowls (leftovers!!)

wash dirty laundry

put away all clean laundry

therapy appointment

video call boyfriend

morning + night skincare

morning + night journal (?)

do 2 duolingo lessons

do 2 busuu lessons

complete/continue genki I lesson one

type up draft for upcoming blog post(s?)

🩷 Academic ToDo, Oct 12th -

Chapter 9 Notes Psyc

Quiz Chapter 9 Psyc

Culinary chapter 10 Quiz

Consumer Debt Inventiry assignment

Using Credit personal finance assignment

I've put a lot on my to-do list for today, but if I can even get a third of each list done, I will still be very proud of myself. Productivity should not come at the cost of my own well-being. Maybe I'll take a nap today? My boyfriend thinks it's a good idea, but I'm not a big fan of naps regardless of the situation. We shall see.

I took complete advantage of the prime big deals on Amazon and ordered some new workout clothes, some hair accessories, a set of silk pillowcases, and supplies for my bullet journal language tracker/planner. I even bought this cute little journal that's made specifically for fitness and health tracking, as a little side thing of mine to help keep me going! It comes with stickers and already set up pages, so hopefully, it proves to be useful!

I may or may not have made an Ulta order for some makeup using my afterpay account as well, because as it gets colder outside I'm starting to want to wear makeup for fun again. I'm not typically drawn to full beat looks but in the winter I love going all out with my makeup looks, whether I'm doing a more grunge goth emo look or a soft coquette girly look and everything in between. I love makeup as a form of self expression!

May or may not buy some more skincare as well, I'm just trying to decrease the amount of stuff in my skincare cart on the shopping app but it's so hard choosing what to get now and what to wait on!! I'm super indecisive too so that intensified the struggle.

Thats all for today! I'll make sure to update you lovelies tonight/tomorrow!

til next time, lovelies 🩷

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princesspumpkinseed · 1 year

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A daily review with a twinkle of optimism and softness is exactly what I need right now. As occurs often, I had a beautiful day and yet my brows are still furrowed in disapproval of myself, which I disallow. In fact, as soon as I began typing, my facial muscles relaxed and so I deduce that I am exactly where I need to be.

Last night, I cooked a Mexican feast for two friends and I think that it went tremendously. I feel quite humbled to spend time with these two people because they’re so funny, kind, and intelligent so I was particularly pleased to see that they were impressed by the dinner I made for them. I got some ginger ale and filled the glasses with fresh mint and lime wedges; I made a two bean chilli, my classic red onion and mint salsa, some rice and tortillas and salad, guacamole, and avocado (of course). There was just enough to feed me today as well and my friends seemed satisfied. In fact, one friend praised the evening to another friend this afternoon... so yes, I’m blushing.

This morning’s breakfast was perfect in every domain but one: I don’t have any avocado left to make it again tomorrow. This morning I did a yoga flow with Allie Van Fossen which was powerful enough to satisfy my morning restlessness; I had my wake-up treat of a double espresso with some warmed soya milk; I showered and put on a sleek dark-academic outfit (complete with heeled boots, light face-powder, and some perfume which I perceive to be a ‘clean’ scent). I felt good, and my booty was looking pretty good when I left the shower, too.

From 9am until noon, I was in the library and I was impressed with my productivity. I found a space which had the perfect temperature and level of noise and completed the Functional Analysis homework and a problems sheet.

After that, I returned home and chatted with my housemate Bethan in the kitchen, She really does light up my days and she was making a satisfying breakfast while I assembled some leftover [fajitas] from last night. Good for her.

In the early afternoon, I got my exam notesheet done for Number Theory, despite the beautiful sunshine tempting me outside, I finished just in time to meet with my friend and his friend to go for a walk and grab a matcha coconut latte. I’d like to be a matcha-drinking individual but the first matcha I ever tasted was incredibly bitter and this one just tasted of sweet coconut with a complementary bitter undertone so I don’t know what to believe.

I talked with my friend a lot during our walk and I just hope that he and his friend were entertained by my conversation. I hope that they felt they were listened to and treated with kindness and encouragement. I loved the walk we had and I feel slightly selfish for having taken their afternoons but it made me very happy. This is the root of my self-criticism this evening, I believe.

Getting home, I made a simple yet tasty meal of leftover rice with basa and veggies. The peas and sweetcorn makes me think this dish is quite childish but there’s nothing childish about ensuring your 5 a day and preventing foodwaste.

This evening, I wrote up half of my functional analysis homework and hope to do the rest first thing tomorrow. I concluded this task with a phd salted caramel protein shake (which would have been better if I’d had blended a banana into it as well) and one of Yoga with Kassandra’s evening sequences. Now, I will treat myself to a biopic before bed :) I look forward to good weather tomorrow and to seeing my parents.

#That Girl #study motivation #studyblr #healthy eating #healthy diet #Food Blog #what i eat in a day #clean girl #clean eating #eat your veggies

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hopefull-mindset · 8 months

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I’m incredibly exhausted from writing 8k+ words about abuse in BSD and still not done with it. I just would like BSD tumblr to know the absolute monster this is going to look like, which I’m probably going to post tomorrow. I’m going to finish today but tomorrow I can go over and re-edit some stuff without falling on my ass writing Kyouka’s section

The structure so far, in order is:

What is Abuse

Portrait of a father

The Port Mafia’s Environment

The Heartless Cur

RE: Portrait of a father (<- this is Beast Atsushi’s section)

The Man Who Raised Dazai

A Mother’s Love

I started writing this because I was getting frustrated with the restrictive discussion about the topic of abuse in this community, and the way the “Abuse Cycle” is discussed is quite shallow. The concept in general is very flawed to me, even if I understand the idea behind it.

The progression between Mori -> Dazai -> Akutagawa -> Kyouka has so little similarity besides two things in common.

First one is their talent for cruelty lurking inside them, and second seeing themselves in each other and having them join the mafia because of it. On this stance the abuse cycle is not the wrong term, you guys just have no idea what you’re taking about when it is discussed.

The “abuse cycle” is what keeps you in that negative state and not feeling like you have anywhere else to go except this awful environment that doesn’t keep you safe. That’s what makes it the abuse cycle and we should feel proud Kyouka left, but you guys talk about it as if it’s the actions towards the next victim that makes it the abuse cycle when I’ve just said none of their actions has barely (if any) similarities. Higuchi is part of the abuse cycle, Q and Kouyou is too. The mafia is the embodiment of this cycle.

You guys are also grossly overestimating how much Mori actually did to Dazai. As I said, action is not what makes it the abuse cycle. It’s not the same thing as Yosano in this area at all. Dazai’s mental state was definitely harmed by continuing to be in the Mafia, he was still just a child, and what Mori did was not right in the slightest, but none of what Dazai is like is actually Mori’s fault. It’s a tough answer and I will go over it in my post. if you think Dazai was abused under the qualifications that he was a child who was in an abusive, violent environment, the you also have to think about Chuuya and Beast Atsushi.

My answer to that is no, they were not abused by the Port Mafia and their childhood’s were already stripped away and we don’t have enough information to say they were abused there, but they were already abuse victims that were already conditioned enough for the mafia not having to do anything. The mentoring situations in the mafia don’t see abuse as abuse, just another way of teaching their subordinates.

Akutagawa would be the same… if I wasn’t for the fact Dazai’s actions were targeted to forcefully beat an intention into him that wasn’t already a product of the slums. It needs to be targeted at something in you to be abuse. Not to say you guys aren’t also overestimating how much of Dazai’s abuse made him who he was, a lot of it was just the slums, but I digress. I don’t need to explain everything I’ve already wrote down.

The only people I can confidently say were abuse victims of the port mafia are Kouyou, Kyouka, and Q. That’s quite literally it. We don’t know what happened to Dazai, Chuuya had N and his time as a sheep member, Atsushi had the Director, and Akutagawa had Dazai (does not count as the port mafia itself). Those three are the only ones I can trace back to the Port Mafia as their tormentor.

Why am I not saying Akutagawa is her abuser? Well we have nothing to confirm that, she was not trained by Akutagawa (that was Verlaine), and we have no specifics on their relationship besides him being the own to bring her into the port mafia because he was sent to. Sure he was the one behind the phone in that one mission, but he’s not the only who has access to it, Kouyou did too. If you really want to put into context her abuse at the hands of the port mafia, think of her as nothing more than a tool for them to pass around. There was nothing more to their relationship than what I’ve already said, I’ve checked numerous times in the manga.

As shown in Beast, she doesn’t need Akutagawa there for her to run away and she doesn’t need him there to be broken by the mafia. Anyway, that’s all I have to say rn. I’ll hold off other thoughts until that ultimate post, just know I’m not happy with most of you. Especially those who criticize the way Asagiri writes abuse, I think you guys are just unnerved by how actually realistic it is.

Thank you for the attention my Mori post got, I thought I’d get yelled at for it considering most of you can’t fathom he’s a character with thought behind him. Gods you act the same way with the director as well. I wouldn’t have normally done this, but I needed a break from the main post. I’m fearing it’s going to become a 10k word essay. I do say more there, don’t worry if I glossed over anything here.

#please note that I’m taking as an abuse victim myself #that doesn’t cover me from critism or being wrong #but I hope that puts into context where my underlying frustration come from if I sound a little personal here #bsd beast #bsd #bungou stray dogs #akutagawa ryuunosuke #kyouka izumi #dazai osamu #mori ougai #/ discussion of abuse #I am shocked at how wrong you guys are when so much of their dynamic is so upfront in the manga #stop letting fanon take over your idea of what actually happened between any of these characters jfc

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blu-joons · 1 year

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When She Misses You Whilst On Tour ~ Itzy Reaction

Yeji:

Frowns formed on the faces of the girls as Yeji gave them a simple response to their question, not wanting to engage with them, preferring to daydream instead.

A hand against her shoulder made Yeji look around to Ryujin. “You’re awfully quiet today, has something happened?” Ryujin worriedly asked.

Yeji’s shoulders shrugged in reply, “I don’t really know how I’m feeling, just a bit lost right now.”

“Because Y/N’s not here?” Yuna quizzed, quickly guessing what the problem probably was for Yeji. “You’re missing her quite a lot these days, aren’t you?”

“This tour has been so long for us.”

The girls hummed in agreement with Yeji as she spoke. “There’s not left,” Chaeryeong encouraged, “and then we’ll be back home, and you’ll be back with Y/N too.”

“That’s true,” Yeji whispered, “I’m sure that I can get through these days.”

Jisu offered her a smile as Yeji brought herself back to the group, “and you’ve got all of us, we can talk and we can distract you if you need us.”

“You’re right, I don’t want to feel alone.”

Lia:

You could tell that Jisu was distant from the start of your phone call with her, her answers were blunt and her questions were rare to find out how you were doing.

After a few minutes, your patience began to wear thin. “Why are you not talking to me Ji? I didn’t think catching up with you was going to be like this.”

Jisu’s eyes looked to her screen as you spoke, “because I know that we’ll have to hang up soon.”

“Isn’t it better for us to use this time to talk rather than just sit in silence?” You suggested, “I know it’s hard Jisu but we’ve got to value the time that we have.”

“I’m sorry I’ve been so distant.”

Your head shook as she apologised, “I get that you’re missing me, I’m missing you too. The goodbye will be hard, but let’s at least try and enjoy ourselves now, right?”

“Yeah,” Jisu chimed, “I want to feel better from talking to you, not worse.”

Your smile turned up as Jisu began to talk to you a little more. “We only have these snippets of time, let’s make them as productive as we can.”

“I promise that I will do from now on.”

Ryujin:

Concerned eyes watched Ryujin as she ran over the choreography once again on the stage, unaware that the rest of the girls had decided to finish for the day.

A sigh came from Jisu as she watched Ryujin lazily walk around the stage. “She’s going to do herself some serious damage if she doesn’t stop overworking soon.”

Yuna hummed in agreement with her, “it’s Ryujin’s way of not thinking about Y/N though.”

“Surely there’s got to be something we could all do together,” Chaeryeong suggested, looking at Ryujin with a worried glance, “even if it’s something small.”

“And something not as active too.”

Whilst the girls pondered Ryujin finally noticed that they were gone, leaving the stage and catching up with them all. “What are you lot talking about?” She quizzed.

“Not much,” Yeji lied, not wanting Ryujin to worry, “are you done rehearsing?”

Ryujin nodded apprehensively, looking back to the stage and then across to the girls. “There’s still things to improve, but we’ve got tomorrow.”

“Come on, you need to relax for a while.”

Chaeryeong:

She quickly wiped underneath her eyes as Chaeryeong heard a knock at her hotel room door, calling through for whoever was on the other side to enter.

As the door opened, Chaeryeong dropped her hands to her sides. “Hey, we’re going to do some shopping?” She heard Yeji asked as she walked into the room.

Chaeryeong nodded as she stared out of the window, “maybe you guys can go without me.”

“H-have you been crying?” Yeji nervously asked as she caught her first glimpse of Chaeryeong’s tear stained cheek. “What’s going on? How come you’re upset?”

“I just got off the phone with Y/N.”

Yeji walked across to Chaeryeong’s side, encouraging her to take a seat on the bed of her hotel room. “It’s tough, right?” Yeji smiled, trying her best to understand.

“I didn’t think it would be this hard,” Chaeryeong confessed, “it just gets harder.”

Yeji allowed Chaeryeong to rest against her shoulder, squeezing her tightly. “You’ve got all of us, and we’re all here to help you out you know.”

“I do, I couldn’t do this without you girls.”

Yuna:

Feeling the eyes of the other girls watching her left Yuna feeling flustered, sinking down in his seat as she joined the rest of the girls for breakfast at the hotel.

Jisu especially watched Yuna closely. “Are you alright?” Jisu asked the moment that she met Yuna’s eyes, “you’re not as cheery as you usually are at breakfast?”

Yuna hummed in response to her, “it’s just been a rough few days, I’ve barely spoken to Y/N.”

“I think we all knew that you were like this because of Y/N,” Ryujin spoke up too. “We’ve only got a couple of weeks left to go now, and then you’ll be smiling again.”

“It’s hard to force it up on the stage.”

Chaeryeong nodded understandingly beside her, “no one wants to see you try and be someone that you’re not. The fans will know that you’re missing Y/N too Yuna.”

“Do you think?” She asked in surprise, “we’re supposed to seem untouchable though.”

Yeji’s head shook as Yuna looked to her next, “you’re human, and missing someone is entirely natural, no one can ever judge you for that.”

“You guys are right, I’ll be back with Y/N soon.”

---

Masterlist

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spoonyglitteraunt · 4 months

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Brains are weird.

I struggled to log in yesterday. As I struggled, and failed, to log in all week. I wanted to, but something about having been gone so long made it feel too overwhelming to face.

Each time I made the decision that Today would be the day, my brain threw up ALL the executive dysfunctioning walls. It just noped out all the way into productively procrastinating on tasks months in the waiting. The accompanying inner monologue fluctuated between predictable to barely making sense.

It's so. much. work. Brain argued. So much backlog to go through and you're so tired. We'll do it tomorrow. (Not entirely unfair, but then I never have energy.)

You've got tasks to do today. You neglected your to do list all month. You'll get distracted. We'll do it tomorrow. (There is always one task more. Always.)

Oh but would you even still be able to follow? (As if the topics here don't shift with the memes wind.) You don't have the attention span today to try and make sense of the newest blorbo/horse-plinko/spn world news. We'll do it tomorrow.

Do you even have a place still? (Yeah, sorry, I've got nothing on this one either.)

Something was rallying the anxiety gremlins, but the "reasons", were really no more than attempted rationalisations for something grinding beneath the surface. Something I could not put my finger on. Something I could only describe as a wordless, undefined, yet all encompassing dread. ... Eventually I managed to force through. I'm glad I did, because in an odd way it felt a little like coming home. I missed the interesting and funny people in my magic box. Missed getting to see what you are all obsessed with getting up to now.

It wasn't until just now that I think I hit upon what was causing the anxiety gremlins' great wall of awful.

You're given balls to juggle. No choice, no guidance (or guidance you can't understand), just one instruction. Whatever you do. Just. Keep. Juggling.

You do your best, yet sooner or later you miss. An unexpected bump, a freak gust of wind, a miscalculation, and you lose your grip. The ball drops. Shattering to pieces on the ground.

Wait... The ball was made of glass? But why? Are other people's balls made of glass? You swear you just saw someone bounce and grab theirs. That one there is on the floor. A bit scuffed, but whole, and ready to be picked up again. So why did yours shatter on impact? Who even makes glass juggling balls and why did no one warn you?

There are a lot of questions and no answers. But the why doesn't really matter. What matters is that your ball is broken. Shards on the floor. Adrenaline in your veins.

You didn't want to drop it. Your tried so hard not to drop it. You tried so hard it hurt. But it's broken now and you can't put it back together.

This is when people take notice. Parents, teachers, authority figures, peers. They look at the shattered ball and don't, can't, won't understand.

It was so easy! They tell you. It was just a few balls, and they barely weigh anything at all. We told you to keep juggling. We told you it was important. Why can you do complicated tricks, but not keep this one tiny ball in the air? Why didn't you just pick it back up? How did you even break it? Were you even trying? Were you even listening? Do you even care?

There is a unique type of trauma that comes from growing up ND (or with a disability too really). Especially when only diagnosed in adulthood.

You've been given glass balls with no warnings, or functional guidance on how to keep them whole. Everyone makes mistakes, but where theirs bounce, yours seem to shatter. And everyone treats that as your fault somehow. It doesn't matter if it was out of your control, and you really did try very hard. Worse even if you are otherwise quite smart or capable. Because then "you have no excuse". But others aren't juggling glass balls. Glass that weighs nor acts like the rubber ones they are using.

So you learn to internalise that every minor mistake. Every minor failing. Every perceived carelessness, or heck even just one less confident grab that could have missed, is a personal failing. Something to incite ire, disproportionate consequences, and rejection.

I think that is what the anxiety gremlins were trying to wall in. The fear that me not having been able to log in for so long was dropping and shattering a ball. The dread that logging in would somehow end in blame and rejection. Even though I didn't choose to get sick, or get thrown a glass curveball.

Obviously, rational me can see that was never going to happen. But the part of my brain impacted by years of undiagnosed ND-ness? Not so much.

It chose to protect. To shield. To avoid. Unable to even properly convey what was going on beyond a general feeling of dread. Because when the shards are on the floor and the adrenaline is in your veins, you don't stand around analysing feelings. You run.

So yeah, brains are weird.

Good thing we're weirder.

#neurodivergent #neurodiversity #actually autistic #actually adhd #actually disabled #long post #the joys of growing up undiagnosed ND #but I'm glad I got past the wall of awful #I genuinely did enjoy “coming home” :)#but I'll not be reading the entire backlog #you are lovely but also very very active #I applaud you but no thank you #I like to keep my remaining sanity #what little I have left

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marvelingjules · 7 months

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I’m gonna tag these posts with ‘Mom’s Bad Time’ so please feel free to blacklist that tag.

We visited for a couple hours tonight. Thankfully they had a more comfortable chair for my dad, and eventually brought in a rolling chair for me. It was literally the most uncomfortable thing I have ever sat in.

She seemed calmer tonight. Not twitching around like last night. Apparently she woke up a bit earlier in the day and was quite agitated, but she was lucid. They’re still keeping her under. Tomorrow she has a surgery to close up her abdomen, and depending on how that goes… maybe they’ll wean her off the sedatives. Maybe not. The nurses really couldn’t say. It’s a day by day thing.

I’ve responded to texts from a cousin, two calls from uncles (mom’s brothers), and a text my dad didn’t recognize the number for (turned out to be a friend of his who changed numbers, so he then took over that convo. The cousin’s text was - he emphasized to call him “WHEN I feel like doing so”. It was oddly relieving and meaningful to get that consideration. When means I don’t ever have to. When means I can put it off until I feel up to it. When means he won’t be upset if I don’t. (We cousins all joke that Cousin A is everyone’s favorite but tbh this cousin has always been mine since I was young.)

I napped so much today, and I’m still exhausted. I made myself eat at least a few bites of food both lunch and dinner time but could barely manage those. It was all too thick and too flavorful in an unpleasant way in my mouth. Tomorrow I’m def doing a smoothie for lunch and hoping that works better. I have been drinking a lot of water though, so there’s a good thing.

Tomorrow is also Ringo’s class at night, which… I’m going to take him to, even though I am exhausted just thinking about it, but it’ll be good for both of us to channel energy into something productive.

Here’s hoping I and my dad both sleep better tonight, and tomorrow greets us kindly.

#Jules rambles #Mom’s Bad Time #it’s only been 24 hours but it feels like it’s been days

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the---hermit · 7 months

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04|10|2023

I feel like my body is slowly rebelling against me. My sleeping is going even worse than in the past few day, and this morning when I woke up my throat felt even more sore than yesterday. I have been taking medications, hot herbal teas with lots of honey and the amazing balsamic drops my mom got me, and I hope everything together will make things better soon. I have lots to do the rest of the week and I would like to feel energized instead of feeling miserable. Of course since I am not sleeping well at all and my energies are quite low focusing on studying is a struggle. I still managed to finish my first read (of many) of Richard II, but today I heavily relied on the translation because my brain was not braining as it should have. Still I have a good base idea of how the play is structured so I should hopefully have an easier time during my lectures tomorrow and on Friday. I will now watch The Hollow Crown to see in action what I just read, and then I'll just put on some music and try to rest.

cozy hobbit autumn activities and productivity:

read first thing in the morning

daily practice of Irish on duolingo in the morning (I feel like I am way more productivie and focused when I do this in the mornings, so I am making an effort to squeeze it into my morning routine)

drank a huge amount of herbal teas, made with my own herbs for the most and with lots of honey to help my throat

worked on a whole lecture of my power practices and men theories class

finished my first read of Richard II

listened to today's episode of re:dracula

put off all the tasks I was too tired to do, and no I don't feel guilty about it

📖:The Book Of Lost Things by John Connolly, Richard II by William Shakespeare

#studyblr #studyinspo #uniblr #university #student life #studying #historyblr #bookblr #journal #journaling #productivity #cozy hobbit autumn #desk #study space #knife gang #mine #the---hermit

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lesless · 5 months

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glowing, growing 🔮 🍀

It is gently dropping small, delicate flakes of white outside & the air is so still, quiet, like a whisper. My love took the dog & headed out to a town 2 hours away to meet his father so he can spend tomorrow working on an initiative that may prove to be a wonderful investment of time/energy/etc., but not without quite a lot of work first. I am proud of him in a lot of ways, but I will miss him. I do enjoy my down time though, so I will make the most of it.

I had planned on meeting up with a friend tonight after she had dinner with her sister, but neither of us wanted to do much once the sky grew grey & it began to snow. I wrote a list of what I want to do solo tomorrow--tea (I need to reign back my coffee consumption, again), journal, breakfast, eat, go to yoga, get a juice from the place next door to the studio, a bath with the bath bomb I bought at the botanical gardens. Then, get some work done on the photo and/or writing project, buy some yarn to make gifts, write xmas cards, then maybe meet up with that friend I missed today. It sounds like a great solo day, exactly the kind of thing I like to do! A little chill, a little activity/movement in the A.M., a little productivity, a little shopping, a little fun.

It is funny that since I sorted through my clothes & replaced them with quality items I enjoy wearing that I feel like I have SO many options but I have SUCH a small number of items now compared to when I started weeding out synthetics. I have reflected that life is funny like that, sometimes when we lack quality we go for quantity, don't we?

Being deliberate in purchasing/replacing items has been a years-long thing & lately I do feel surprised that interacting with quality on a regular basis is satisfying, though I have kind of always held the idea that spending extra $ on things you interact with daily will make your daily experience more enjoyable. A nice face wash, comfortable bedsheets, decent rubber gloves to wash dishes in. I suppose I will just never stop appreciating little things in life.

Sunday bb will return, we will relax & play BG3, spend our last little bit of solo time together until next year, quite literally. Tuesday our friend arrives, I visit the allergist, then Thursday my cousin arrives, then Sunday we fly to Texas, then it's holiday madness & remote work, then we fly to Mexico, the new year blooms, more remote work, & we return to life & a new semester.

In more mundane news, I told myself that I would learn how to french braid my hair while it's short so I can become accustomed to it as it grows out & I have stuck to my word! 3 successful braids so far, though my arms do get exhausted & I feel feeble every time I braid it. Just as I feel weak every time I do core exercises (2 down this week! pretty good considering I spent 3 full & exhausting days in the office today) at least I'm doing it! I will get better! I can't expect myself to be good at something right off the bat, as much as I want to be for my ego's sake.

I still always feel at least a little anxious after socializing with people I am not intimately close with, & I have done an assload of socializing over the last 3 days, BUT I feel relatively unscathed after this week. 2 fumbles, which I felt I saved, & maybe I shouldn't be cataloging my social blunders mentally but also maybe mentally I'm a little left of center & I should just be OK with that, too, instead of self-monitoring so heavily. Anyway, I think the level of comfort I DO feel has a lot to do with the fact that I really just feel delightful about the people I work with; I really genuinely like them all. They are all such characters, so knowledgeable, incredibly well-intentioned, & most of them are as sassy & quippy as I enjoy in a person without the malicious undertone that often accompanies that trait.

Anyway I am trying to remind myself that bettering is incremental & when I look back at how far I have come I am proud of myself, too. Lastly, perhaps, I must shake the scolding I want to give myself at every imperfection.

It is a beautiful night & I am comfortable, listening to music & watching everything collect a thin layer of white outside of my window. I have things to look forward to, people to love, people to love me back, humble goals, & a deep appreciation for the now. I hope you, too, find a quiet sort of peace as the year wraps itself in darkness & cold. I hope spring makes you feel like you can start over if you need to. I hope you treat yourself gently tomorrow.

#me

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o2studies · 2 months

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༻`` 20 - 23 Feb 24 — Tuesday - Friday

100 days of productivity 50-53/100

I've been really tired and quite any these past few days, plus I've been getting annoyed easily. Wasn't very productive but... I still managed to get some revision done, walk my dogs and exercise, plus bond with my friends.

I've went down a light memory lane of an eastern-european upbringing and listened to a good couple Polish songs today and I have a lot of energy (at 10pm... helpful) which I'm hoping will pay off tomorrow and in the following week! (as my mocks are the week after)

Oh and what also helped with living my spirits is going stargazing in my garden (my pup served as good fluffy socks alternative —that's her in the photo) and I went out with the hope to see a meteor as I usually do, thought it would be too wishful to hope for a whole meteor shower, but just as I was about to go inside because of how cloudy it was getting I saw a meteor!! It was so pretty ^^

🎶 ‐ Jesień – Tańcuj by L.U.C, Kayah, and Laboratorium Pieśni

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and-sunshine · 1 year

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29/10/22 • 100 days of productivity - 5/100

• it is so hard trying to revise when you would rather be doing something else - hence why i try to wake up early to study but my alarm has just decided to stop working?!! i need to replace asap

• the fact that i seem to be always doing history yet i get the lowest grades in it will always be so funny to me

• i go back to school in 2 days yet i still have so much work to do (but i have done quite a lot considering it’s my holiday) the workload is so hard - a levels really are not for the weak ig

• tomorrow i have to wake up at 5am to do some work because i know once it hits 12pm i will not want to think about studying again..

• i also decided to show my notes i’ve made these past few days!! (for history ofc what’s new)

tasks completed today:

- began EPQ presentation handout

- re-drafted teacher feedback on assessment

- practiced presentation

- typed up tudors chapter 20 notes

#studyblr #study #year13 #productivity #studyinspo #digital notes #alevels #history a level #study movitation #study space #study blog #study aesthetic #studyspo #study hard #studyblr community #studystudystudy #100dop #100 days of productivity #Spotify

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