#stp got me thinking and remembering things… | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

kinky-moth · 9 months

Note

“Characteristics wise i think you may have noticed I like guys who like to think they're tough and dominant so I can show them what their place really is”

God has to send in an ask just to say you are soooo right and sexy for this.. finding ur blog w pegging businessmen and pretty boys? <3 cheers

I was wondering :0 if we could get some literal pegging businessmen <3 straps are sooo under rated.. being able to switch them out stamina etc…. <3 trans supremacy lmao. For other details prob just the stuff you mentioned liking! Bigger guy/sub etc.. as a trans guy great ego boost for me that type of shit lol

Thank you anon we both obviously have superior tastes, all guys have a good boy in them imo

Seriously tho I'm glad you like my stuff, I'm a trans folk as well so I'm glad to be able to have a ommunity of people with my same tastes, stay cool <3

cw: obedience, pegging

Getting a job in that company wasn't easy, he'd worked a lot and made the right connection to get in a favourable position with a decent salary right off the bat

His arrogance had a charm to it that only people in business could make work, belittling the meeker competition and still gaining the kindness of the clients and useful coworkers

Oh he's had women all over him as well but he's got a beautiful girlfriend at home, or at least that's what he says to uphold his image

In reality things are a bit.. different

It's funny to think of it, someone who did so much for his image and job just meeting someone in a bar, it almost made him embarrassed, just like how he was when he realized he enjoyed his company a bit more than he thought

In fact, he had a lot of unlearning to do ever since things became this different, starting from the fact he may not be as straight as he thought

His "girlfriend" he liked to mention when he wanted to appeal to a client couple's hearts was never really a girl to begin with, he was just some guy he met at a bar

Something about such a mundane setting slowly eased him into dropping the stiff charade he put on, that guy eased him into this; it was a talent really, cause after that he was eased in a lot more things.

[...]

"Hello babe" that voice made him lift his eyes from the computer screen, it was him "did I keep you waiting?"

He quickly hushed him "don't call me that, people can still hear you!" Not like it would've been anything compared to the sounds that were about to come out of that room anyway

"Of course darling, your reputation is so important" he was dressed professionally, probably to not stick out "but you called me here, didn't you?"

"I- I never did that"

"Of course, you just joked about it over and over hoping I'd get the hint" his hand shifted over to the buisness man's crotch, already hard "you're lucky I know you. We don't have much time

You know what to do."

Soon he was bent over the desk, swallowing down his pride as the other man's fingers stretched him, purposeful movements made his cock twitch with the anticipation of what's coming next

As the man laid there panting he felt the smaller one's zip come undone, his strap already in place: he remembers he told him about these.. uh.. STP was it? Something 3 in 1 anyway, he found out the first time he bred him outside the privacy of his bed.

"Look at you, you're taking it so easy now" his hand brushed his balls, taking in the sight of the bigger man spread out on a desk for him "you're so handsome like this"

He knew he needed the praise, he needed something to keep him feeling good about himself until the pleasure built up, he wasn't a trained whore just yet, but he liked the chase anyway

"You ready babe?" but he merely asked to see the once proud man shily and ever so imperceptibly nod before he pushed his strap in him.

The feeling was as weird as the first time he tried it, he secretely hoped it would never stop feeling that way: being filled all over and over, his prostate being relentlessly stimulated by the thrusts

He thought he could only feel good with his dick, he wasn't ready for the deep, visceral pleasure he would receive by being touched so deep

Truly, he loved the man's cock, he had a whole collection at home almost as if he never wanted him to get used to it: every time he succumbed to the pleasure he would switch it up, textures and bumps changing to rub spots he didn't know he had and fucking his self respect out thrust by thrust

His mind went blank thinking about it, all the different cocks he's been fucked with, all by the same man, the one that was taking him again in his own office, the only one who managed to take him to suck a high

He had worked so much for this job, truly

And now he's staring at his door, secretly hoping he's have brought a gag as well

#pretty boys #pegging businessmen #anon ask #kinkystuff #request #nsft story #nsft text #trans nsft #straps #sub dom #pretty boy #humiliation tw

19 notes · View notes

emometalhead · 7 months

Text

Aftershock Day 1 Recap:

Day 1 was incredible!!!!

Let's start at the beginning. The line situation when trying to enter was super weird this year, but an employee let us go into a line we otherwise wouldn't have been able to go into. That line got us in really quickly. Thank you to that man lol.

The first band we saw was Pinkshift! It was my second time seeing them. They brought a lot of energy, and I'm glad I knew more of their songs this time around. My aunt really liked them and wants to check their music out now too! Speaking of my aunt. She won lots of cool points. I made bracelets to give away, and my aunt threw the Pinkshift one on stage. The singer grabbed it, made a heart gesture, and threw one back!! (It's in the pictures below!!) That was one of the best things to happen to me at Aftershock!! I also got a rose that was thrown by the singer!! 🥰

The next artist we saw was Nothing.nowhere. I admittedly had a bit of trouble trying to get into his music while doing my festival prep, but he was really good live!! I had a fun time vibing and headbanging. He was really engaging with the audience, and seemed happy to be there. Plus, he covered One Step Closer by Linkin Park!!! I had no clue he was going to do that. My dad, aunt, and I are humongous LP fans, so we really went hard singing and headbanging.

Next was White Reaper! They were vibey. They were definitely the most chill set of the day. They were nice to watch and relax a little. It was pretty stinking hot already at this point, so I enjoyed the break from jumping and headbanging. They were entertaining, and my aunt knew a few of their songs!

Thousand Below was the first time in the day we saw a solid mosh pit. They were heavy and awesome! I had an equally fun time watching the band as I did watching the pit!! There were a couple kids on their parents shoulders in the mosh pit. They looked like they were having a great time, and it was fun to see. I always worry about kids in crowds, but those kids were very safe and very happy.

We were only able to catch about 20 minutes of Pennywise's set, but I'm grateful for those 20 minutes! They were good!! I really like their music, so I was excited and had decently high expectations. They definitely met my expectations. We sat down to rest a bit during their set, but nonetheless it was still fun!

Next up was Stone Temple Pilots!! This was my third time seeing them, and also probably the best time. I'm a huge huge huge STP fan. I managed to get really close to the stage, and I had a great view the whole time. I also went a little crazy, because they played Big Bang Baby!! It's my favorite song, and they didn't do it last time. I screamed louder than I had all day at that point lol. I was jumping through the whole song. I was separated from my dad, but afterwards he told me he recorded the song for me!!

We got surprisingly close for AFI considering we literally got to the stage as the band was coming on. My aunt has been wanting to see them for years, so this was her moment. It was my second time seeing them. They were as good as I remembered! That crowd wasn't too rowdy or crowded, and the mosh pit when on pretty much the entire time. My aunt went into the mosh pit, and I found out that was her first time!

We only watched some of Incubus' set, because we wanted to get close for Avenged Sevenfold. They were really good though! I hope one day I can catch a full set, since last time I saw them it was also only a partial set. We met up with some of my dad's old work friends at this point. They're super sweet, so it was nice to see them. Both of them kept commenting on how big I am now lol. I think I'm still like 10 in their minds, but that's okay lol. We don't see each other often.

Avenged Sevenfold was incredible, obviously. This was my second time seeing them, but my first time in a festival setting. They had so much energy. M Shadows' voice absolutely delivered, and it is no secret that I think Synyster Gates is a god. There was a pit in front of us that never lost steam through the entire set. I got pushed around a bit, but my aunt and dad made sure I was safe and could enjoy the show. I was able to see the band on stage for most of the set, which was definitely nice. They had cool visuals on the screens though, so it wasn't too bad when I couldn't see the band.

I was able to give out all of my bracelets, and everyone seemed really excited about them!! No one was expecting a bracelet lol. I'm looking forward to handing more out today!! I also met some dude in a band. We were talking for a couple minutes, and he was really nice. After this weekend, I'll have to check out his music. I love meeting local musicians!!

#ashley overshares #aftershock 2023

9 notes · View notes

scriptlgbt · 2 years

Note

How can I write a trans male soldier in a POW situation in a rather chaotic world? Especially if it lasts for over a year. He's not likely to have access to hormones and if he doesn't have any bottom surgery he might get periods and well going to the bathroom might have issues especially if like all the prisoners don't get enough privacy. He would have had top surgery though.

CW: Menstruation, imprisonment

For ease of answering, I’m going to make some assumptions about your character and setting. Specifically I’m assuming your character is stealth, because I think some of these issues may be easily solveable with co-operation from others. (For example, it’s not unheard of for prisoners to band together in a row to give each other privacy or have etiquette about looking away intentionally. I mean, most people aren’t especially interested in looking too closely at another person peeing without their consent. This would probably be a thing even if your character is not Out.)

Re: Hormone Access.

Hormones in this situation would be hard to come across, but if he was on hormones previously, it's likely there wouldn't be any major difference that others would be able to perceive. For me, going on and off it has the biggest effect on weight distribution (like hips to stomach and back again, face shape, etc), libido, energy (higher on testosterone) and menstruation.

With that in mind, well, you're writing fiction. You could probably come up with something creative to get him hormones. Or he could start with hormones but ration them out, or smuggle them somehow.

Re: Menstruation.

Everyone is different, but having been on testosterone made my experiences with this permanently different, and specifically much lighter than it was prior to testosterone, and the heaviness of it at different points of time during was distributed differently. (Think like, very heavy all of a sudden at first waning off, and then light to heavy to light again.) I've heard the opposite for some people though. I knew of someone who went off testosterone and menstruated for a month, and then things slowly got back to what they were for them prior. Timing between is also affected - someone who used to menstruate once a month might menstruate once every three months after testosterone. It's a bit of a crapshoot, so there's some leeway here if you want him to have been on testosterone previously and depict him as having gone off or going off hormones.

As for handling it, I think just using rags makes sense. Socks can work in a pinch, and underwear can be flipped inside out. If your character has access to nature, sphagnum moss has historically been used to dress wounds as it's a naturally extremely absorbent material. I found a product from 1919-1920 that uses sphagnum moss in a menstrual pad. The box claims it absorbs 20.4 times that of its own weight while cotton only 6 to 8 times its own weight. I know it was really lauded as an incredible thing in WWI where they found that it helped soldiers survive serious wounds much longer than ordinary bandages. (I can't remember where I read that, but I may source it here if I ever find it again.)

Re: Bathroom.

He might have/make an STP (Stand To Pee) device to make things easier. People have made a lot of different versions of this throughout history with different found materials. Alternatively, there's always the classic squatting thing and just using moss to wipe. He'd want to make sure to know how to identify plants though because they aren't all that great for this. Some people who hike the Appalachian trail will also use a rag to wipe after a pee and just set it out in the sun. I don't think that's safe or sanitary, but there are people who exist who have done this. I imagine options are limited for a POW.

He might also be able to get away with claiming he has a war wound in his genitalia. If someone accidentally noticed anything about your character bleeding or some such, they might assume that as well, as it may seem like the more likely explanation. One person with a theory who shares it with someone else may start a rumour that is believed to be true.

There’s a lot of creative liberty when it comes to how you write other POWs to react, as well as the people guarding/supervising.

- mod nat

#mod nat #writeblr #trans #trans characters #trans character #writing trans characters #trans man #stealth #stp #stand to pee #trans: bodies

43 notes · View notes

forget-about-me2 · 2 years

Text

Trans Omo- STP Edition - Part 1

Okay, so I said that I could write a whole arse list about trans omo focused on STPs and I realised that it might be a bit too long so I'll split it up into multiple posts. This first post isn't really a list but more an introduction to STPs. (Also my asks are open if you want me to elaborate on anything, there's a lot to tell so I might forget something.)

First of all, what is an STP? The proper term is a Stand To Pee device. People also refer to it as an STP device, but most commonly it's just called an STP. STPs can be used by AFAB people to enable them to stand to pee. The way this works is that STPs are basically a funnel that you press to your anatomy peeing into the cup and then it's guided in front of you allowing you to clear your pants.

Situations where this can be useful, include festivals, hiking and other places where bathroom access is a bit difficult when you don't have the right anatomy. Aka having to hold it while a penis haver can just unzip.

This goes double for trans people, men's restrooms often have fewer stalls than female restrooms and then have urinals to make up for it. And after having been 3 years on T and full-time passing there's still nothing worse than having to wait in a relatively small restroom where the sinks are not quite within arm's reach of the urinals while other guys are using the urinals. Especially when you're about 99% sure the guy in the stall is taking a shit so you can sometimes wait a long time.

There are many kinds of STPs, in all price ranges. I think most non-trans people would, if they know STPs exist in the first place, think of those plastic funnel-type things, like the Shewee.

But there are many STPs that are penis shaped and can definitely be called prosthetics. STPs can be expensive as fuck, I've seen them around 500, 600. Maybe even higher I can't remember. Those are really realistic and people wouldn't think twice when getting a glance.

My first STP was a cheap plastic one shaped as a penis and it set me back about 20 euros.

My most expensive one was about 200.

But the point of all this is that STPs come in all different kinds and shapes. Also different designs. Each company designs the funnel in their own way. What works for one person might not work for someone else.

Each STP requires practice, that's always true. But a situation where even after having it for ages you're still not quite able to manage to make it work without at least some leakage. And that can be disheartening as fuck. Especially when it was an expensive one you thought about buying for a long time.

This actually sorta happened with my most expensive one. I can sorta use it, but there's almost always some form of leakage and I've had really dysphoria triggering incidents with it as well but more on that later. I got a new one now and that one works a lot better.

I think that's it for now. Next up I'll be talking about the first time learning to STP and building up the skill.

#trans omo #omorashi #omo prompt #stand to pee #ftm ed

14 notes · View notes

ssaalexblake · 1 year

Text

there isn’t a power in the world that’d get me to rewatch s3 of stp but i Swear I do in fact remember Jack being shoved in the brig bc he did a murder. Like, i mean, he was not convicted or anything but he was implicated and was going to be put on trial for this among other, smaller, crimes. I’m sure I didn’t make that up. He got out of the brig by trickery (though, he did do so to save the crew of the titan which is honourable, i’ll give him that).

And while the show Has had more than one member of the cast commit murder, so that isn’t exactly a moral judgement against him narratively even if he did kill somebody, the show has Also generally made a vague effort to portray a justice system. Agnes was cleared of murder charges because of that mind meld, proving that Yes, some kind of justice system is in action here.

Seven committed murder. Two, in fact. On screen. But the only person she told was Rios and he’s evidently not a snitch. Seven has not been put on trial because, frankly, she’s apparently just better at murder.

Elnor also had that head lopping off thing going on. I doubt Starfleet has record of this considering where it happened. Also arguments of self-defence may apply. I don’t remember exactly though, I didn’t like that episode (the exposition eps in serials Usually suck and that did not break trend imo).

So like... Did starfleet just decide to ignore that murder when all this chaos blew over? Was the murder a non issue? I mean it’s not like we can Add contextually to this him controlling crew members against their will to Knowingly cart his ass off to the borg queen which resulted in All That Death and Destruction and Trauma as well, which you’d think would result in Some consequences. Even if the consequences were a psych eval to determine his culpability. Even if they decided he was Not culpable, it would still have been a consequence of all this.

What i’m saying basically is that it canonically took Agnes a year to get off a murder charge due to somebody messing with her brain in Significantly less complicated circumstances than Mr. Borg Jr who Also had a murder charge against him.

Yet in a year He’s apparently been fast tracked through the academy that Should take years, only to be assigned to the flag ship, and be sat on a chair on the bridge as a Special Councillor.

I’ve not been this mad at white man bullshit in scifi since that fuckawful ad astra film where the protag commits muder in space bc he’s such a sad sad man and poor Him and goes back home scott free and then Gets The Girl as a reward.

I’m not even saying that Jack necessarily Would have been found culpable, it’s canon that people screwing with your brain Is a legal defence in this time bc we saw it with Agnes, and he quite obviously had weird things going on inside his head far out of his control making him act in ways he wouldn’t have done had it not happened, but it’s also canon that the system takes time in Far less complicated situations.

It also adds insult to injury that even if all the above wasn’t an issue, what happened at the end would Still be a travesty of nepotism and white man self insert characters. But it makes it So So So much worse in context.

#that picard one #picard spoilers

5 notes · View notes

starlitwinter · 1 year

Text

I... changed a lot of things in my fanfic, like the pov. Anyway, enjoy!

Oh, merde merde merde. A dog. Huan. Celegorm. What am I supposed to fucking do? Run? Stay still? Please Huan be alone in those freaking wood. Please!

As the dog growled softly, the fear in Nenlissë’s mind intensified. Her thoughts raced as she desperately hoped that the dog was alone in the woods, and not accompanied by Celegorm. The size of the dog was particularly alarming, its head even towering over the human girl’s shoulder. Despite her shock, she remembered not to stare at the animal, as it could be perceived as a sign of aggression. Slowly backing away, the girl kept the dog in her field of vision, mindful of any sudden movements. With luck, Nenlissë could reach Aclar and escape before the dog’s master arrived, or perhaps she would meet a much grimmer fate.

“Where do you think you’re going, intruder?” A voice said, stopping Nenlissë in her moves.

The shock of hearing a dog speak left Nenlissë frozen in place. She was certain that she had heard the dog’s voice, but the animal’s mouth remained shut. Was it a trick of the mind, or was this dog truly capable of speaking? As she stood there, unsure of what to do, the voice continued to speak. It seemed to be coming from the dog, but how was that even possible? The girl tried to shake off her disbelief and focus on what the dog was saying, hoping that it would provide some clarity or explanation for this surreal moment.

“Are you stupid or just deaf? What are you doing half on the floor?” the voice said again, and Nenlissë realized that no, it was not Huan who was talking but surely his owner. Celegorm.

Ah yes. Youpi. Celegorm. Couldn’t you wait to get here? So, I could get away from here? No? Nenlissë thought, annoyed by Celegorm’s apparition. She got up slowly without meeting Huan’s eyes and looked for the only possible human form in this forest. As she continued to look for Celegorm, a shiver ran through the girl, and she suddenly felt a presence behind her. Before she could turn around, her back was already crashing against the nearest trunk, and she could only look up at the angelic face of Celegorm. Damn it hurts! I am not made of steel shit! She almost said, but swallowed her words, not wanting to upset Celegorm, as he had the upper hand. But Nenlissë still spoke without thinking about her words, which resulted in something like this.

“What’s wrong with throwing people on wood like that? I could have broken something! And then get out of the way stp. Don’t you know about living space? Coronavirus? Ah yes, you didn’t get it here… lucky bastard.”

Celegorm reaction was to put his arm on the girl’s throat and press gently but firmly anyway to warn her that he could crush her breathing voice at any moment. Nenlissë gave him her best hypocritical smile while staring at his face. She was relieved of these perfect elf faces. The fact of seeing the angelic face of her attacker calmed her and she succeeded in countering the wave of stress that was rising in her.

“Speak better intruder, don’t you know who I am?” Celegorm ordered harshly.

Nenlissë rolled her eyes. Of course, I know who you are, espèce de caca! Who do you think I am? She thought while scoffing. But she decided to not say anything because if she told him that she knows him, that she knows his future too, it was like she was offering him reasons on a silver plate to kill her on the spot. She might as well play dumb and survive than try to be Ms. Know-it-all and show it.

“Uh, no? And I should know? All I see here is an arrogant guy.

-Arrogant me? Have you never heard of Celegorm, son of Fëanor, son of Finwë? The best of them all? And who are you anyway? What family do you come from?

-Never heard of a Celegrom or Celegorm. And for your information, know that I am the daughter of a rich and powerful lord.”

Your uncle. But you do not need to know that now.

“Your name? Celegorm then asked.

-Nenlissë.

-What are you doing in these woods?

-I was… walking? Are we not allowed to do that now?”

He raised an eyebrow and despite looking at her suspiciously, he released her from his arm on her throat and walked away from her. Thank you for giving me back my breathing space Celegorm. Now adieu. As she tried to run away, Celegorm took her arm, bringing her close to his chest.

“Where do you think you’re going? You are on my uncle’s land and so you must be taken to his dwelling so I can know if you are telling the truth.”

-What? I refuse-

-Oh, it would be such a shame if I unintentionally allowed Huan to eat your arm. Or your leg. After all, he has not eaten anything and must be hungry.”

Celegorm placed a hand on the top of his doggie’s head. Huan decided to show Nenlissë his fangs which only made Nenlissë want to run away more. Seriously Huan! I thought you were nice and all. It is just for Luthien but not me being nice. Thanks!

“Listen, I don’t want to argue with you about the usefulness of arresting me for almost nothing so I’m going to come in very nicely and you won’t have to threaten me with anything okay?” Nenlissë said, trying to make peace with Celegorm and save her life.

He did not answer her, but a big smile formed on his lips, and he waved her past him. Nenlissë answered him by rolling her eyes and emitting a small whistle between her teeth. Aclar joined them and Celegorm did not comment on his arrival. The girl took his bridle in her hands and turned to Celegorm.

“Which way to your uncle’s castle? She asked innocently.

-To not know and live in this area, you must live in a cave all year round…”

He huffed and took the lead but left Huan to close the gap. What were you thinking? I am going to savour my ‘revenge’ when you finally know who I am. Your cousin.

“Follow me.”

The journey was quick and quiet and soon they could start to see the front of Arafinwë’s mansion, the few people they passed looked at them strangely but none of them made any comment. Celegorm abruptly opened the door and grabbed Nenlissë’s sleeve to pull her into the dining room where everyone was still there. As he entered, Arafinwë stood up and stopped whatever move he was going to make when he saw the situation his adopted daughter was in. She met his gaze and a wide smile played on his lips, instinctively understanding the situation.

“Good morning my dear nephew, we have been waiting for you. Arafinwë said slyly, but Celegorm didn’t see anything.

-Hello uncle, I am glad to see you and I see my aunt has already arrived. How are you?

-For the best, but… Why does Nenlissë seem to be your prisoner?

-You know this wanderer, Uncle? I caught her on your land, and she had no permission so I thought I should inform you of this.”

Behind Arafinwë, Nenlissë saw Angrod choke on his glass of water and burst out laughing. Celegorm glanced at him in puzzlement but did not seem to question the amused smiles on everyone’s faces. Arafinwë approached his nephew and put a hand on his shoulder.

“Turco, Nenlissë is my daughter. Adoptive, perhaps, but my daughter.”

Celegorm turned to look the girl in the eye. She gave him a contrite smile and shrugged.

“Your daughter? My cousin? Wait, what?”

-Yes. Your cousin.”

Nenlissë moved away from him and wanted to sit at the table, but Arafinwë stopped her.

“Don’t sit down Nenlissë, we had all finished and I had just suggested we go outside to play a little game. "

Oula… a little game with Arafinwë is never a game. She saw Artanis roll her eyes behind her father before coming to take her sister’s hand. How will he make us suffer today? Nenlissë thought while posing a questioning gaze on her father who only responded with an enigmatic smile. When they arrived outside, their horses were waiting for them, along with their bows, and a bag was lying on the ground next to the horses. Nenlissë could feel the shit coming already.

Arafinwë went to his stallion and stroked his muzzle before turning to them.

“This morning when I got up, I learned that my dear nephew, son of Fëanor, was coming. So, I thought it would be a good idea to set us a little challenge to see if my children are stronger, more skilled, and clever than my half-brother’s.”

I have a bad feeling about this… Nenlissë thought while nervously biting her nails.

“So, I’m going to give you a little survival challenge! In teams of two, you will have to spend a whole night in the forest without my men finding you! My sister, Findis, will draw the teams at random.”

Findis approached her brother with a box in her hand and pulled out the first paper.

“Ambo and… Artanis!” She exclaimed.

Disappointed not to be with her dear Galadriel, Nenlissë signed while her brother and sister exchanged a knowing look, an omen of bad things. Maybe being with Finrod will be beneficial and I will have less chance to die… Angrod can be an excellent choice too. Anything but Celegorm because I want to stay alive a little longer. The girl thought, judging her chances to win.

Findis put her hand back in the box and Nenlissë crossed her fingers, praying that someone would answer her call and not put her with Celegorm.

“Nenlissë and…”

Each second seemed like hours, the girl saw Findis’ hand move in slow motion… Nah I am kidding. The rest happened at normal speed.

“Celegorm!”

Damn it! Eru fuck you!

#fanfic #fanfiction #silmarillion #tolkien #original female character #original character #modern girl in middle earth #modern girl in the Silmarillion

2 notes · View notes

r-brauns · 10 months

Text

Gender Stuff #2

I made a breakthrough yesterday and came to the conclusion I was performing my agab for the wrong reasons.

Essentially, I started thinking about this when I was wondering if this whole trans thing and gender questioning stuff was just a phase. When thinking about my childhood and past, I counted the years that I preferred to dress like a boy, would be excited upon being mistaken for a boy, and really tried to hide my body during puberty along with counting the years where I was hyper-fem. It turns out that, while I can't account for all my feelings during childhood, I think I experienced quite a bit of gender euphoria and dysphoria as a kid. Here's some:

Before I even had a concept of gender I'd cry and throw fits over my mom dressing me up in anything girly. I hated clothes shopping and never wanted to wear what she picked out until I was able to ask for boys clothing, then shopping became fun for me.

Around 7 or 8 I would try to "pee like a boy" and even made a STP out of toilet paper before I even knew what an STP was.

I vaguely remember a few times praying/hoping I'd wake up as a boy

Getting accepted by the guys and seen as one of them made me extremely happy. I didn't have a desire to really be associated with girls, even when it came to team sports like bowling where gender didn't matter, I wanted to be over by the boys.

I really liked being mistaken for a boy, especially this one time when this girl who was younger than me confessed she thought I was a pretty cute guy in HS.

I would always catfish as a boy online, for years.

I was binding at ages 13-14 and wearing compression pants to hide my figure. I would refuse to let anyone see my body. By 14/15 I was identifying as FTM.

There's a few more but I think I got my point across. Of course these signs aren't 100% indicative that I'm trans but to me they mean something and that alone made me look into why those feelings suddenly were "forgotten about". I mostly attribute it to the fact I was dismissed by my mother when I came out and then had a bad experience with a trans friend who accused me of copying them (I am deathly afraid I'm being influenced by outside factors or following a "trend" even now, 11 years later).

Shortly after that clusterfuck, I gave up on the identity and at around 18 I started dressing hyper-fem. I looked into why I did this sudden 180 and I remember distinctly doing it so that I could be more like my friends who seemed to be living more successful lives than I was (more popular, attention from boys) and so I thought in order to have a successful life I needed to get a boyfriend so that I could get married and so I could have a picket-white fence type lifestyle and be happy. Chasing this only made me miserable. I wasn't doing it because it felt like me at the time, I instead grew into that role and became so depressed trying to reach the goal of "normalcy" that any threat to that (like a break up) would leave me depressed and anxious. So I was constantly seeking attention from guys and to do that I dressed and acted as a woman. I would sexualize myself and it always felt bad afterwards. I was just not happy until I was at least in the relationship stage but I noticed as I got more comfortable and secure in the relationship, I started dressing more masculine again and going back to how I was in HS (when I felt freer and happier).

Currently, I've been in the longest relationship I've ever been in and I feel like because I've gone the longest without feeling the need to attract men that I can finally be myself which has led to questioning my gender. I don't know if that's 100% the reason but the timing is interesting. But because of those few years where I was hyper-fem and looking to attract guys, it's super hard not to fall back into those habits. It's spawned one of my worst fears about being trans which is regretting transition.

What if I regret it and I can't find someone who'll be attracted to me? What if I ruin my life? I don't think I would hate the effects of T or being seen as a man or have any reverse dysphoria because of it but I'm so scared of the what-ifs that my old self is worried about. It drives me bonkers. Of course I'm also worried about transphobia and general acceptance and dealing with doctors but they aren't my main worries (at least now). And that sucks because I've loved every single step I've taken to masculinize myself during the time I've experimented with my gender but its so hard to actually feel any feelings and not immediately dismiss them because they aren't strong. Unfortunately, I'm afraid of change and regret so bad that being as I am now is something I see as the safer option. Not necessarily happier option and I kind of don't know how to get over that. I was the thrive, not just survive.

#gender stuff #t

0 notes

brooklynnewsies · 2 years

Text

@unelectedofficial asked : ✏️ um for anyone!!! as many as you want!!

under the cut! characters in order: finch, romeo, specs, davey, hannah! most of these are interchangeable / definitely way out of character, i tried to pick ones that vaguely fit

Finch: Can you be quiet?! I'm trying to think. Nessarose: Don't worry. Doing anything for the first time is difficult.

Finch: I got grounded for a whole week just because I came home late. Nessarose: Well, you deserved it. I mean, getting everyone's hopes up like that and then showing up again.

Nessarose: What’s your favorite color? Finch: Stop asking stupid questions. Ask me something logical and mature. Nessarose: How many moles of sodium bicarbonate are needed to neutralize 0.8ml of sulfuric acid at STP? Finch: My favorite color is pink.

Nessarose, gently nudging Romeo aside with their foot: Romeo, move out of the way so I don’t trip on you. Romeo, their eyes enormous: You kick Romeo? You kick their body like the football? Oh! Oh! Jail for Nessarose! Jail for Nessarose for one thousand years!

*Romeo falls over* Nessarose: Romeo! Are you alright? Romeo: Is that you, God? Nessarose: What? Romeo: It's just, you sound a lot more like Nessarose than I expected.

Romeo: *nudges Nessarose at 3am* Pretty fucked up that we depict the moon as a girl and the sun as a boy. They're just floating rocks in space. Nessarose? Wake up, Nessarose! Listen! They're sexless! Nessarose: The sun isn't a rock, go back to sleep.

Nessarose: You use emoji’s like a straight person. Specs: That’s literally the worst thing anyone has ever said about me.

Nessarose: No, I don't want to talk about physics! I don't know anything about the laws of physics because they are hard and boring. I simply would like them to behave in a way that is most convenient to ME and MY LIFE! Is that really asking too much? Specs: Yes, as a matter of fact, it is! Nessarose: Well, guess what? Science is stupid bullshit!! Specs: You take that back!!! Nessarose: No. Magic is awesome. Science blows. The end.

Nessarose: Hey, you want a tarot reading? Specs: Those are Pokemon cards. Nessarose: You got a magikarp. Specs: ... Nessarose: It means 'fuck you'.

Davey: Are you drinking enough water? Nessarose: Sometimes my tears get in my mouth.

Davey, dramatically: They called me a fool. Nessarose, sick of Davey's shit: They weren’t wrong.

Nessarose: What’s up? I’m back. Davey: I literally saw you die. You died. You were dead. Nessarose: Death is a social construct.

bonus:

Davey: *holding a salt packet* It’s just a little sodium chloride. Nessarose: Actually Davey, it’s salt. Davey: That’s what I said, sodium chloride. Nessarose: Uh Davey, that would be salt. Nessarose: *takes salt packer from Davey* This is iodized table salt, which in addition to sodium chloride contains anti-caking agents and potassium iodate, which is added to prevent iodine deficiency. So not only are you being overly pretentious by insisting on using scientific terminology for everyday items, you are factually wrong. Your arrogance is your downfall, you annoying little shit.

Hannah, confused and exasperated: Nessarose, how do you plan on telling a bear to go vegan? Nessarose: Politely

Nessarose: Evil never sleeps! Hannah: But ugly gets plenty of rest.

Hannah: Remember everyone, violence is never the answer. Nessarose: You're right, Hannah.. Violence can't be the answer. Hannah: Correct, Nessarose. Now, on to the next lesso- Nessarose: Violence is the question. Nessarose: And the answer is yes! Hannah: Nessarose, no!!

bonus:

Hannah: Bottling up negative emotions is bad for your health, so you shouldn't do it. Nessarose: I know, that's why I bottle up all my emotions, both positive and negative, so it cancels out. Hannah: Th-that's not how that works-

#( CURTAIN CALL ) asks.#unelectedofficial #( THE BOTTOM LINE ) hannah ic.#( SEIZE THE DAY ) davey ic.#( THIRD TIME'S THE CHARM ) romeo ic.#( OVERSEER ) specs ic.#( BIRDBRAIN ) finch ic.#the generator didnt like me very much HELP

3 notes · View notes

mbti-sorted · 3 years

Text

II. Style

Ok, so the truth-is-beauty site has 7 types identified, which can be combined in twos or threes for a total 63 types. These are types to describe the lines of your face, and aren’t necessarily the style types that people choose to wear. Just what would look good on them. I’m going to use it more interchangeably with what I actually see people wearing, because that’s more useful for identifying people by clothing. To be honest, though, it is often somewhat interchangeable - people like to wear clothes that look good on them.

Also, this is a site that is oriented towards women. If you go through the whole thing, there are posts about men - and certainly the colouring is useful information. You can use the same style types for men, it just doesn’t show you how that would translate into actual clothes. This next bit, though, where I try and match style type to mbti type might be applicable to men, but it is specifically about women.

1. Romantic - Mature, sexy. ES types, particularly ESFPs. Sometimes ENTJs.

2. Ethereal - Would you be hired to play a humanoid otherworldly being in a fantasy/sci-fi movie (elves, angels, gods, androids)? Tends to be a bit androgynous. This is apparently the rarest type, and I can see why since most of her examples were ENTPs. I think this tends to be mostly T-type women and F-type men (going for the androgyny). So mostly ENTPs, but also SFPs, ESTJs, STPs and INTPs. Maybe some ISFJs.

3. Dramatic- Powerful, bold, intimidating. ESTs. ENTJs. (All those types with the wide-angled eyes.) Occasionally ESFs. Also (maybe because they have high-contrast faces?) ISTJs and to a lesser extent INTJs - I remember someone asked me about INTJs and colourblocking, so that’s where that comes in. Also ISPs.

4. Natural - Earthy, comfortable, relaxed. Most types to a certain extent, but particularly EFs.

5. Classic - Subtle, simple & well tailored. Faces are symmetrical and features are nice but un-noteworhy (nothing sticks out). Think old money, or business clothes. I think of J types, particularly SJs, but also most other types, as well. STs tend to have a dramatic lean on this style. ENs tend to lean more natural.

6. Gamine - Youthful, boyish, playful.

7. Ingenue - Sweet, innocent, dainty.

Introverts tend to have baby-faces and usually have some sort of Gamine or Ingenue leanings (often mixed with natural or classic - just trying to fade into the background! ITs also lean into dramatic or ethereal, and IFs also lean into romantic or dramatic or ethereal). It splits pretty well with F type Ingenues and T type Gamines, but there is crossover. Particularly for gay introverts - if you have butch/femme leanings, that definitely takes precedence in your style over being an F/T.

There are also plenty of extraverts with child-like features. I can’t really pin down which are more likely to be girlish or boyish, though. I think the ESs are all over the map. Maybe more ingenue for ENFP, ESFJ and more gamine for ENFJ, ENTJ, ENTP. ESTJ, ESTP and ESFP seem more evenly split.

Most people are not one type alone - so here’s all the two, and three type combos, for a total of 63 style types (again this is what styles look good on people, not what they actually wear, so a lot of people take elements from many styles, especially if trying to figure out what works on them - and some people never figure it out). You can also browse through the styles here and see if you can identify which types they belong to. A lot of them seem like they would be better in another time, or at least are very impractical for most people’s day-to-day use.

Anyway, up until last week I was pretty unfamiliar with anything fashion-related, so I’ll probably refine my ideas about this over a long period of time. It’s not a huge step from personality theory to fashion theory, though. Lots of practical applications for both! Hope you enjoy reading more about it - she’s got some really interesting posts including one about about using costume design in tv/movies to influence expectations for characters.

#ask mbti sorted #not a typing post #fashionable people

12 notes · View notes

noah-moth-cursed-chaos · 3 years

Text

Emile-Hides told me about their self indulgent(and also super cool) Chzo Mythos au, so I have decided I shall reveal some stuff about mine as well, mostly just random details. Im p sure it diverges from canon quite a bit, especially the parts involving Chris Bc I can’t fully understand Chris’ canon for the life of me(It isn’t actually very complicated I’m just dense for some reason) Most of the first half of this has turned out to be rambling abt the TCS factors of my au specifically.

-Obviously, post TCS events, as I’ve mentioned before Trilby adopts a scuttler which he trains and raises, the scuttler becomes a soldier buzzer when it grows up. Trilby adores it.

-Trilby has a brother! The brother is my interpretation of one of the playable characters in TCS, but I won’t say which one.. yet.

-I wasn’t a huge fan of the paradox full circle 7DAS Malcolm being Trilby thing so I sorta made my own version? 7DAS Malcolm and his family are clones of Trilby and his family made by Chzo so Trilby could fully serve his purpose as a guide. Obviously they aren’t exactly identical because of the huge environmental and time differences.

-My version of the Wizard grew up in The Order Of Blessed Agonies. Her father was a devote member and her role model. Her blessed agony of the soul was supposed to be to kill him. She couldn’t do it. They locked her up and planned to sacrifice her, a member of the Ministry of Occultism however investegated the location, shut it down, and freed her. She then promised herself she’d stop The Order’s plans.

-The scholar kept a wallet with pictures of his family in it to remind him of why he was trying to stop the ancient. Eventually he got word of the murder of his wife and child and... gave up, sadly.

-The warrior found his car, and decided to use his notes to figure out what was happening and how to stop it, on the way he ran into the wizard, and they decided to work together to stop the ancient.

-The invading ancient was Chzo.

-Trilby was trying to find the ancient at the same time, he arrived at Stonehenge very shortly after the Warrior and Wizard had managed to banish Chzo. Trilby helped patched them up and they all talked and all that good stuff. Neither Trilby or the Wizard could really go back to their past at that point. Because of this the Warrior offered to let them stay with him. On the way out of Stonehenge was when Trilby found and grabbed Steve the scuttler.

Ok now on from TCS

-Chris has amnesia. He can’t remember much of what happened before the day his parents died. He also doesn’t remembered what happened to reverse his zombie-ness. He just knows he isn’t a zombie anymore.

-Chris lived with his parents in the house we see in the game, but didn’t have the best relationship with them. Because of this he also had a room at an appartment his friend stayed in(he insisted on helping her pay the rent despite her saying he didn’t have to). He and this friend had known each other since high school and were super close. He doesn’t remember hardly anything about her, but he read some of his old books and saw her name mentioned in the lists of people he thanked, so he does know whoever she was she was important to him.

-The mental hospital Chris stayed in was really a product of its time. The doctors didn’t understand much about the mental illnesses they were treating. Their practices weren’t great, and the psychology they relied on was flaky at best. Chris honestly ended up worse off because of it.

-Trilby did in fact meet Chris while trying to steal a ruby! And yes, they went on a date. Trilby was just trying to get out of trouble. Chris was quite flattered and thought there was more to it. They went their separate ways after that. A few years later when they run into each other when Trilby joins the Ministry, both are a bit shell shocked.

-After the hotel incident Trilby just entirely shut everyone out. He was terrified of everything. He was a mess. Most of the Ministry just brushed him off, another nobody who couldn’t handle the stress of the job. Chris reached out to him and tried to help him through everything. This is how they started getting close.

-When their handler at the time noticed that they were beginning to become friends, she(idk who their handler actually would’ve been so I just made someone up) started sending them on missions together, wanting to see how they’d work together in the field. They worked great, and therefore ended up a pretty well known duo in the ministry.

-Claire is good friends with both Chris and Trilby and is sorta a mother hen type. She’s always pestering them to take care of themselves and be responsible and all that. She’s a very sweet woman.

-Trilby took Simone’s death personally. He took all the deaths related to Chzo and Cabadath personally. Yes he wasn’t particularly close to most of the people, but he still should’ve stopped it. In his mind at least. He feels like since he’s directly connected to Chzo by fate, he shares partial responsibility for the suffering and death Chzo causes that he fails to stop.

-On a lighter note Trilby ended up sorta a father figure to Jim. They keep in contact through mail mostly. It’s part of what compelled Trilby to join the STP: ending up in jail, until Jim found out, would just look like he abandoned the poor kid. He didn’t want to do that to him.

-Trilby has dad instincts. Don’t fight me on this.

-Chris is that person who learns to make all the drinks his friends like so he can surprise them with them when they have a bad day.

-Chris keeps his bedsheets and himself extremely clean despite the rest of his appartment usually being a mess. He figures if he can’t keep up with all of it right now he should keep up with what helps him feel comfortable and work his way up.

-Trilby is the literal definition of organized chaos, his house, his office, all of it looks like a train wreck, but he knows exactly where everything is. It’s magical.

-Chris one time tried to adopt a hellhound. Nobody was exactly happy about that. Chris eventually had to send it back to hell.

-Chris acts shocked when Trilby curses despite Trilby doing it quite often.

-Trilby is more sentimental than you’d think. He keeps a lot of little trinkets and such to hold on to those he loves in a way. If you give him a gift, chances are he’s not getting rid of it unless he absolutely has to. Even then it’s not too likely he’s letting it go. His most treasured keepsake is his mother’s wedding ring.

-Chris can’t take good photos for the life of him. They all come out blurry or overexposed or grainy. He finds it infuriating but his friends find it hilarious.

-Trilby and Chris are those idiots who pine for each other constantly but neither can say crap. Claire just wished they’d get over themselves and kiss already.

#chzo mythos #chzo Mythos au #xdays #xdays series #xdas #I know it’s not too out there but I have big anxiety with straying from canon

2 notes · View notes

udurghsigil · 3 years

Text

tyoma’s “im suddenly awake and want 2 talk abt stp” corner core is a fun album because i don’t remember if i ever actually listened to it as a kid but i do definitely remember some songs off of there having a nostalgic impact on me. dead and bloated is very familiar with the “i aaaam smellin like a rose” thing. it’s really cool! it makes me feel warm and happy despite the general dark vibe purple has impeccably good vibes like. if you end the album with a song called “my second album” which has the line “this album cover looks similar like johnny mathis. for mathis lovers, this album has his style” youre immediately on them 500% good vibes. you would not believe how much i treasure tiny music. every track on there makes me feel so at peace and i remember listening to it all the time in the car rides to school back when i was barely a person hehe. me and my grandpa sing lady picture show together when i play it. and ride the cliche forever brings me unspeakable amounts of joy, i should relearn it on my guitar... i think i listened to no. 5 when i got older and rediscovered stp in middle school. it has some emotional resonance for me in that sense but otherwise i don’t have much feelings on it. alot of the songs go hard and just generally fuck buuuut thats about it. although atlanta really makes me wanna cry. i associate alot of songs off of shangri-la dee da with my exes and the bad feelings i felt around them but it really holds a soft spot in my heart for keeping me company and helping me feel safe back then. i can listen to it and not feel triggered or anything but i do end up crying a bit every time a song comes on from there. unless its like. the song hollywood bitch which i have no strong feelings for skadjfnlsadf aaannnd finally thank you. the compilation album. that was the album mom always played alongside tiny music and it has alot of strong emotional resonance for me. the cover art played alot into my love for sunflowers and i based alot of my art in my teenage years on it. lots of ocs too were directly influenced by it! what’s crazy is that i don’t remember days of the week at all even tho its on the album. i also don’t remember all in the suit that you wear. guess i was too busy asking mom 2 replay vasoline over and over again nsakdjfldsaf

#scott weiland is a huge inspiration for me #i used to watch his live shows on yt before i played with my band #i cried alot the day he died #thank youuuu stp <3 #<--- new tag alert #x #audioposting

1 note · View note

rational-mastermind · 4 years

Text

@angelic-writer, Happy Birthday! Thought I’d surprise you with a Quinnby ficlet for your special day. nwn Hope you have a good one! tw for sensitive readers: it gets kinda suicidal and depressing. 0x0;;

When you begin a line of work, you begin to understand very quickly what it is you have willingly signed on for. When you work retail, you understand there’s going to be one customer who demands to see the manager. When you work as a manager you know there’s always one customer who demands to see you.

When you work as an STP field operative you know there’s likely going to be something supernatural in the works and you’ll likely be scarred for life if you’re not emotionally stable nor compromised enough to just simply accept that yes, that is a cultist hanging from the ceiling and yes, we’re likely dealing with another pagan god of old, if not the common house demon.

I, Trilby, am of the former. The kind of agent who is emotionally stable enough to simply accept what I am given if there is no other logical explanation. My partner, Chris Quinn, is more of the latter, mentally compromised enough to where he does not look for logical explanations, but simply takes it at face value and deals with such, usually in an appropriate manner, that meaning appropriate for him. Not entirely appropriate for the supernatural, nor myself.

This is all to say, Chris and I were currently investigating another cult’s attempt at creating a bridge, however flimsy, between our World of Technology and the World of Magic. They managed one entity to escape into our world, before being swiftly shut down by us and the exact nature of said entity is unknown. Hence, our current circumstance as we continue to travel through the ramshackle hideout of an abandoned warehouse, hoping to at least gain some insight on what we’re up against.

“Hey Trilbs?” Chris broke the deafening silence with a whisper as we tread carefully through the warehouse.

“Yes?” I replied, sparing him a glance, careful to keep my voice as low as his.

“Can you possibly chill out?”

“What do you mean?”

“You’ve been tense all night and frankly it’s starting to kinda get to me too. Loosen up. It’s just another demon.”

Chris is, of course, blind to the situation. While I would admit to my more cautious nature, the reasoning for such was complicated and I would say, well justified. The simple answer would be to say I was tense because the exact timing of this ritual and the similar nature of it all was too eerily familiar to previous experiences.

The more complicated answer would be to say it was currently a warm night in mid July and it reminded me too much of my personal dealings with an insane cultist attempting to please his self-proclaimed god. The encounter left me scarred in both a physical and mental way and the last thing I would wish for was a repeat of that.

Normally I would try to avoid working too many cases this time of year, but alas, we were unfortunately, yet again, short-staffed and turning away a job offer by the government wasn’t exactly an easy thing to do. So here we were, wandering through a warehouse with a supposedly malicious entity on the loose. It didn’t help that this abandoned warehouse just so happened to work with mannequins in particular and the faceless dolls and disassembled limbs only added to my ever-growing anxiety.

A part of me knew that it would only be a matter of time before I rounded the corner and would once again gaze upon the clean-slated pale white face of the horrendously stretched out monster that was The Pri-

“HAH!”

“AAAHH!”

To explain, after I told Trilby to loosen up, he had rolled his eyes and lapsed into another internal monologue. It’s a narcissistic thing I think. So I did the natural thing, started poking around, finding a prop to help lighten up the mood around here. If things were to remain as uptight as Trilby’s ass, it’d be hard to fight whatever hell-spawn escaped the ritual. And wouldn’t you know it? There were just so many expressionless styrofoam heads in these crates! It’s like they were just WAITING for a punchline!

Emphasis on punch as Trilby literally punched the head off my shoulders, after giving a terrified shriek in response to my surprise.

I thought it was funny, but I was actually surprised when Trilby went on to scream at me.

“THAT’S NOT FUNNY CHRIS! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!”

“What? They look just like that Prince you told me about from last year! I thought it’d be hilarious!”

Trilby only scowled for a moment before I felt a sharp and jolting pain searing through my body and everything went black. Only previous experience would tell me when I woke up that he obviously tased me with his grolly.

When I did wake up, he was dragging my body back to the car. He was roughed up. Must’ve fought the demon. As soon as I was able to register that much he dropped the rest of me back on the ground.

“Good. You’re awake. You can get to the car yourself.”

I groaned and rubbed the back of my head.

“Did you use your taser on me?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“Because you’re an asshole.”

I pulled myself up and Trilby was already at the door to the warehouse. I sighed and followed after him.

“Did you defeat the-?”

“Yes. It was just an elemental.”

“Oh… Should I write the uh..?”

“No. Best you leave it in more capable hands. I’ll write it when we get back.”

“..Okay.”

We headed out to the car and while I moved to get to the driver’s side, Trilby cut in front of me and got in. I sighed, confused, and climbed into the passenger’s side instead.

“I wouldn’t have minded driving.”

“I merely assumed someone more sensible should be behind the wheel.” Trilby replied coldly.

I continued to puzzle over his behavior as we pulled away and got back on the main road. As far as I understood it, I played a prank, he got mad. But.. I didn’t understand why. It was innocent enough. Just a harmless jump-scare, isn’t it?

The mood was dower and I was stewing over things for too long. Fortunately I remembered the radio was left on a great channel when last we were in the car. I turned it on.

“Here we are now, entertain us! I feel stupid and contagious!”

I started to lighten up almost immediately but just as soon as the music started, Trilby turned it off. I frowned and started to turn it on again but he swiftly smacked my hand away.

“Don’t.” was the only warning he gave, through gritted teeth. “I’m not in the mood.”

I sighed and simply shrugged. I guess he really was just in a bad mood. I hoped it would clear up by tomorrow.

Obviously it didn’t.

I came into the STP, same as normal. When I got to Trilby’s office I found Claire, talking with him. Trilby was smiling well enough but as soon as our eyes locked, he scowled.

Claire glanced back and her grin also disappeared. A worried frown instead.

“Oh.. Um.. Anyway I should get going.” Claire quickly grabbed a few papers off his desk and headed out the door. “Morning Chris.”

“Morning. See ya later, Claire.”

“See ya.” she rounded the doorway and hurried back into her own office, across from his.

I looked back at Trilby who was busying himself with the computer.

“Hey. So uh.. How’s it-”

“Chris I’m horribly busy. If you’re not here to discuss work then get out.”

“I just wanted to ask how you’re do-”

“Get. Out.” He bit out, scowling up at me. “I’m still upset about yesterday. I’ll come fetch you when we have a new assignment.”

“So what, Claire gets to talk to you but I-?”

Trilby smacked his desk as he stood up and rounded its corner.

“Don’t you have your own work to do? Or anyone else to bother?” Without wasting any time he shoved me out into the hallway.

And just like that, I was standing out, staring at Claire’s office. She peeked around the doorway back at me, worried.

“...What got into him?” I asked her.

She sighed and came fully into view. She leaned on the doorway and gave me a skeptical look.

“Well, from what I gathered, you played a pretty harsh prank on Trilby the other day.”

“I wouldn’t say it was harsh.”

“No? What happened?”

“I grabbed a fake head and held it over mine to give him a scare. You know, to lighten the mood.”

“Chris..” Claire sighed and pushed her glasses up. “Nevermind. Maybe it’d be better if I just let you and Trilby settle it.”

“No, what?”

“Chris, I don’t wanna play translator for you two. You guys figure it out. I’ve…” she paused long enough to glance back at Trilby behind me. She sighed and shook her head. “I’ve got my own work to do.”

Claire went back into her office. For the rest of the day, Trilby avoided me. When we did have to go on a mission, a ghost-hunting one, he made an obvious effort to work separately from me. And I wished it was only for the day, but he continued to act like this the next day. And the next day.

And then one day I bumped into Jim from the morgue division in the elevator.

“Oh! Hey Chris! I didn’t expect to see you still hanging around.” Jim smiled back at me.

“What do you mean?”

“I thought you already left. With Mr. Trilby.” he shrugged.

I frowned.

“What?”

Jim’s smile faltered.

“Didn’t he…? He.. Got a mission just earlier. I thought for sure he’d take you.”

“The fuck? No. He didn’t get me. What mission?”

“Oh. Uh…” Jim quickly became uneasy. He fidgeted with his clipboard. “Umm.. Nothing! Nothing too bad! Just a small mission!”

I normally try to get along with most anyone here in the STP, save for David Smith, and I know it’s not easy to pull off, being over 6 feet tall and usually smeared in someone’s blood with heavy bags under my eyes. People say I look deranged and unstable and while normally that’s a compliment in my eyes, I try not to let it be the only thing I’m known for among my co-workers.

But in this case I wasn’t above stepping a little too close for Jim’s comfort and drawing myself up to my full height. My hand slipped onto the hilt of my trusty machete, not that I intended to use it.

“Jim.” he was visibly cowering underneath me. “Tell me the truth.”

“H-He uh.. W-w-well he um.. Mr. Trilby went to track down a rift.”

My stern expression suddenly dropped and I felt my blood drain. Rift? A RIFT?!

“HE’S GONNA GET HIMSELF KILLED!”

“That’s why I thought he took you along!” Jim cowered.

“What the hell is he thinking?! Where’d he go??”

The doors to the elevator opened up and Jim slowly inched his way to it but I was too blinded by concern to really notice.

“I.. I would say but.. I-I..”

“Jim…?”

“I don’t think Mr. Trilby would want me telling you.” He finally confessed before ducking out of the elevator. “I’m sorry!”

I normally would’ve screamed. Or chased him. Demanded an answer. But I was just stuck on the simple fact that…Trilby didn’t want me to come with him. Trilby didn’t want me with him.

I felt a pain I couldn’t laugh at as my heart sank down low into my gut. I was worried and angry and confused but the most bizarre thing was that I was just simply hurt. I haven’t been genuinely hurt in years and I honestly didn’t understand why… Why was he doing this?

I couldn’t stop thinking about it until Trilby finally came back into the office two days later. As soon as I heard he was back I immediately tracked him down only to find him slumped over a table in the breakroom, a cup of coffee in hand and barely awake.

“TRILBY!” I couldn’t help but shriek, making him jump up in his seat with a yelp of his own. “HOLY CRAP where have you been?! Are you okay?! Oh crap oh fuck you’re bleeding!”

Trilby was clutching his heart and shaking, recovering from the shock, and when I got to him he immediately shoved me away.

“Get the fuck away from me.” he growled half-heartedly and fixed me with a scowl. “I can take care of myself.”

I rolled my eyes. He was still going on about this.

“Trilby, where the hell have you been??”

“None of your concern, Chris.” Trilby sipped his coffee.

“Well what the hell were you thinking, trying to close a rift alone!? You know how dangerous that shit is! You need a partner!”

“No, I actually don’t.” Trilby argued. “I don’t need a partner, I never did need one. I’m not required to have one. Despite however dangerous any mission would be, we’re not required to team up unless specifically instructed because frankly with as understaffed as this infernal organization really is, they could use as many operatives on the field as they can doing separate jobs to cover more ground without any concern for their well-being seeing as it’s more than easy enough for them to drag in another convict or psychopath to replace the previous agent. To further illustrate the matter, Christopher Quinn, LOOK AT WHO WE REPLACED AND HOW EASY IT WAS TO DO SO. Bottom line is I. DO NOT. NEED. YOU.”

With that he stood up and left with his coffee in a huff. I chased after him.

“Trilby, look if this is about that stupid prank I pulled on you back in the factory, I’m sorry! Alright?? Is it really worth getting yourself hurt like this? Are you that fucking pissed at me? Trilby! Come on! At least let me apologize!”

I grabbed his hand to turn him around but he snatched it back and scowled at me.

“I don’t want your apology, Chris.” he replied. “I don’t wanna hear it. Yes I’m still angry. No, you can’t just get off the hook with an apology. I don’t want you to try to make it up to me. I don’t want you to-”

I leaned in and kissed him but that was immediately reciprocated with a punch to the face.

“I ESPECIALLY DON’T WANT YOU TO DO THAT.” Trilby all but shouted at me. “I HATE IT when you try to pull that shit off, thinking it’ll just magically make me forget to hate you! Especially at work! Why don’t you just take a hint and FUCK OFF?!”

Trilby walked away again, leaving me behind. I didn’t know what to do anymore. I had never seen him get so angry. I was surprised to find tears pricking my eyes, but I guess that’s a normal response.

Trilby kept it up for a couple of weeks after that. Avoiding me. Refusing to speak to me. Keeping his distance. Going on missions alone and coming back looking like dog shit. All I could do was stand there and keep hurting. Wishing I could make it up to him. Wishing I knew what exactly I did wrong. Wishing I could fix it, somehow.

Then one day, while I was having lunch with Claire and Jim, Trilby came into the room, looking around. His eyes locked on our table and he came over.

“Good, you’re here. I’ve thought about it and decided I needed another pair of hands for this mission.”

I stood up so fast I almost lost my lunch.

“You mean you’re not-??”

“Mind coming along, Jim?” Trilby utterly ignored me and looked down at the kid.

Jim was immediately put on the spot and looked up with big, confused eyes.

“HIM?!” Claire and I both asked as Jim also responded at the same time.

“ME?!”

“Yes, Jim, I need you. There’s talk of a tv celebrity who was murdered in her apartment under mysterious circumstances and I need your help.” Trilby replied smoothly.

“O-Oh… Um.. Y-Yes Sir.”

Trilby smiled. “Thank you. It’d be nice working with someone competent.”

I would’ve loved how well he cut into me with words alone, if it was under any other circumstance. Claire and Jim seemed to think the same, as they frowned at him.

“Trilby… Come on, isn’t that a bit harsh?” Claire asked.

“How is that harsh? I simply paid Jim a compliment by saying he was going to be good to work with.” Trilby glanced back at her.

“Well… Yeah… But…” Claire looked up at me but all I could focus on was the split-second glance Trilby gave me. The kind of pointed glance that easily conveyed that he wasn’t as innocent as he sounded.

He turned to leave, with Jim following close behind him. All I could do was watch in frustration.

“....He really knows how to hold a grudge, huh?” Claire asked as I slowly sat back down.

“Yeah… Who would’ve guessed?” I huffed and jabbed my cold leftovers.

I stewed over the comment for the rest of the day, only getting angrier and angrier about it. The way he said it, the stupid look he gave me, that kind of smug air of a kid who thinks he’s so fucking smart by “not touching” you.

I finally went on a search for him near the end of the work day. It wasn’t hard. Trilby was pretty much a creature of habit and I knew if he wasn’t in any closet or dark corner befitting an ex-thief, he would only, naturally, be on the roof.

Trilby seemed surprised though, as I kicked open the locked door and made my way out onto the roof.

“Oh for heaven’s sake, won’t you leave me ALONE?” Trilby sighed.

“No, dammit!” I stormed over to him. “Cause this shit has gone on long enough!”

“Chris, I don’t want to hear your apology.”

“WHY NOT?!”

“Cause I can’t take you seriously!” Trilby snapped at me. “How am I supposed to? You’re nonstop with being utterly ridiculous!”

“I’M ridiculous!? I think you’ve been! It was just a joke!”

“Oh yes, I forgot to laugh! HA! HA HA HA HA! Yes let’s all laugh at my pain!” Trilby stepped up onto the railing and scooped up his grolly. “Everybody come witness the fool who went and got himself tormented on his first case! Let’s all laugh at the idiot who experienced death first-hand, MULTIPLE TIMES! I’m SO sorry Chris! I FORGOT HOW HILARIOUS PAIN IS.”

He knelt down and leaned in close to scowl down at me. I couldn’t help but shrink back, feeling the same twisted pain in my gut from before in the breakroom.

“Trilby I didn’t mean it like-”

“Oh yes you did, Christopher.” he seethed. “You only think it would be funny to point and laugh at pain, but you never consider who’s pain, do you? I know you have mental issues, but you see the real problem was that I do too. I just don’t go announcing it to the world like you do.”

“Well I’m so-”

“Let’s see how well your apologies matter when I finally give in and just let go, Chris.” Trilby stood back up and it was now that it really hit me how dangerously close to the edge he was.

Fear had an icy grip on every nerve in my body as Trilby took one giant, swinging step.

“DON’T!!” I shrieked.

He turned around almost effortlessly in one full swing and sat his foot on the railing again. I looked up only to find him grinning back down at me.

“Hm, things are a little different on this side of the railing, aren’t they?” He turned and began walking very quickly along the edge, making me follow helplessly behind him.

“Trilby, okay I get it! This isn’t funny!” I continued shouting.

“No? Oh, I thought this was hilarious to you! Especially if I were to-” he suddenly stopped, faster than I could register and started walking backwards, as if it was only natural.

“TRILBY!” I skidded, trying to stop, slipped, skinned my hands on the floor as I twisted around and tried to catch up to him.

“See, isn’t it so funny? Let’s all laugh at the man who suffers from PTSD!” Trilby continued.

When I got close I reached out to pull him back down.

My heart froze in mortal terror as he suddenly jumped.

It didn’t start again until he landed, feet away from me. He turned back around and sneered.

“Let’s see how well you laugh, when the man who suffers from horrific flashbacks, visions, and suicidal thoughts plaguing his mind both day and night, finally gives in…”, he shrugged. “...finally sick of all the nonsense and teasing. Too tired to keep on fighting and caring anymore like he struggles to, every single day. Let’s see how well you laugh when I finally… take the plunge.”

“MALCOLM!!”

There really wasn’t an excuse for allowing it to escalate to such heights, just as there shouldn’t have been any excuse for me to lose balance.

But I think, if nothing else, it got the message across.

Of course I hadn’t fallen too far before I made use of the grolly. I caught myself and looked back up as Chris was leaning over the edge, a look of pure fear on his face. He was actually tearing up.

When I finally pulled myself back over the railing Chris scooped me up and clung tighter than ever before, crying into my shoulder and apologizing over and over.

I took a breath, my anger finally quelled though my heart still raced, and held him, apologizing back for the way I treated him.

When we calmed down, we ended up sitting, with our backs to the railing, his arm wrapped securely around me, and mine around him.

“To be fair, I do spend the better half of my efforts into hiding my own problems.” I said, breaking the silence. “And that’s not entirely fair to you.”

“Well.. I could stand to pull my head out of my ass more often.” Chris shrugged. “...But it would be nice for you to tell me.. I had no idea you were…”

“Well…” I shrugged. “No one does. I doubt even Claire really knows how hard some days are… Surprisingly enough your antics do sometimes help.”

“They do??”

“Well… It… Keeps me distracted I guess.” I scratched the back of my head, for once unsure of how to properly phrase my thoughts. “… It’s easier to get out of bed some days when I think about you. When I worry about… how bad it would be to leave you. Especially after we’ve… Well..”

Chris grinned and I couldn’t resist leaning in and kissing him for it. Until half a minute later when the consequences of my word-choice came to mind.

“That’s not an excuse to just be an asshole though.” I warned him, pulling away quickly.

“Aw but Trilby-!”

“NO.”

“But Trilby…!”

“For the love of- DON’T.”

“I thought you liked my-”

I shoved him away and shook my head as he rolled with laughter. Stupidly enough I couldn’t stop grinning myself. Before I could say anything else, he suddenly pulled me close and kissed me passionately.

And it’s in moments like this, that I couldn’t have possibly expected for when taking on this job. And it’s moments like this that I find a reason to push on with every day.

#chzo mythos #quinnby #trilby somerset #chris quinn #my writing

7 notes · View notes