#recovery from trauma
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I know this might sound silly but I am feeling really emotional over the messages I've gotten over the Marvel Exhibit posts. I've had people thank me for sharing because they will probably never get a chance to see it. I've had people who has already seen the exhibit but the stuff I saw was new for them and how much they enjoyed it. It's just...been really gratifying.
Because going to this exhibit has been on my To Do list for months. When I finally escaped my abusive spouse with my children, all I could think 24/7 was how do I protect them and how do I get our family stable. And I remember one of my kids' counselor telling me that I need to pick at least one thing for myself. One thing that is just for me because he said I deserved good things too. That I should be free to have an afternoon where I can have fun, without worry and guilt.
And every month, like clockwork, he'd ask me if I had gone to see it. And every time I had an excuse. Oh I was busy meeting my lawyer because I'm about to go to court. Oh I gotta get our new apartment set up. Oh my friends are busy and they can't help watch the kids. There was always something more important because there was so much to do. But the truth was, I was also just so scared. What if my kids got sick while I was gone and I couldn't be at the school right away? What if my car broke down and I got stranded? What if I missed an important call because I was too distracted? Just scared scared scared.
But the exhibit was leaving in April and I knew the clock was ticking. So I finally picked a date when I knew my kids would be looked after, bought a ticket and went.
I remember at the start of the tour, the museum employee said most people spend 30-40 minutes to get through it. I spent almost 3 hours. I read every plaque, stared at the art and costumes from every angle, and even looped back to see things when the crowd had thinned out. Just so I can savor it. Because I felt this panic, like if I don't seize this moment, I'll never be allowed to enjoy something alone again.
But after the tour was over, I went and got lunch and let it sink in. That this wasn't my last chance to enjoy something for myself. That it was okay to enjoy myself. That I was allowed to. I could eat this food that I normally wouldn't have ordered because my spouse would complain about the smell of the food I grew up with. That I could enjoy it without censure or ridicule. I didn't have to rush back and be terrified that I would be late and get screamed at. I could actually pay for this lunch from my own bank account. That I didn't have to sneak around using cash that I had squirreled away so my purchases wouldn't give away my location on the online bank statement. I could just...sit there and watch people walk by in the sun while I sipped my soda and...it was okay. I didn't have to feel guilty that I was alone and enjoying an afternoon doing something "frivolous".
And it just really hit me why I even wanted to go to the Marvel exhibit in the first place. Because luckily I fell into this fandom just when my life was at its darkest. All the wonderful friends, fics, art and crazy posts that helped me get through all the lonely, scary, painful days and nights. Reading Bucky recovery fics after he escaped his torture and brainwashing and telling myself I can do that too. Then feeling stupid that I was projecting so hard on a fictional character but desperately wishing I had a Steve too.
My therapist told me that recovering from trauma is not linear and I'm going to have good days and bad days. And sometimes it will take days before my mind processes things completely. Over a week passed since I went to the exhibit and I found myself crashing. I know it may seem ridiculous but in my mind, I was setting a pin on this outing. A bright shining lodestone in my mental eye. A box that I could tick saying, "Yes. You're finally at a point where you can allow yourself to have this." And now that I was on the other side of it, I felt a bit lost.
But I was scrolling through the pictures I took and I decided to share on the blog. Initially I was just going to send some to friends in DMs but I changed my mind. Editing 90 images and writing up posts at 3 am was probably not a good life choice but fuck it, I never said I was smart lololol.
So I'm really glad that I was able to give something back to the fandom that's given me so much through this difficult time in my life. It's just pictures and my crack commentary but I'm happy that it gave other fans some serotonin. Some days I feel this imposter syndrome where I'm barely holding it together and I am sure I'm not the only one. But it feels so damn good when my friends and I can squeal over our favorite characters and just take unabashed joy in it.
Because for the first time in a long time, my body is my own, my mind is my own and my heart is my own. I can empty my mind of the pain and fill my heart with love.
And where my mind and my heart wants to go, they can. Even to go see some superhero tights.
#personal thoughts#PTSD#recovery from trauma#stucky#fandom love#gosh i got so fucking lucky meeting you all#what a bunch of stand up impossibly loving human beings#i hope we can keep squealing over Bucky and Steve together for a long time#or any other ships you all indoctrinate me into hahaha#love you#Marvel: Universe of Super Heroes
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newest Ningning-verse psa:
local man who broke up with last boyfriend via stabbing discovers EXTRA SEXUALITIES NEVER BEFORE CONSIDERED….only to realize he is in fact, a giant clown. His wife will never love him. Time to go back to the pit of despair and agony.
#see the thing with this fic is that#it is at once incredibly serious#and ponders questions like:#what do we owe other people? how does love work?#patriarchy and the cycle of abuse and intergenerational trauma#recovery from trauma#what does perfection even mean?#but at the same time it features two giant farcical clowns so sometimes I'm writing a thing and just HOWLING#excuse me while I shriek#lan xichen's very horrible no good farcical post canon#ningning-core#my writing
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[ To My Inner Child ]
To my inner child,
may we find rest,
may we find time
to create and explore
and learn --
to never stop satisfying
that curiosity.
#Lucy Dan (Tiny Poem from the Pandemic)
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#healing and the body#the body#recovery from trauma#recovery from abuse#healing from trauma#feeling alive
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[ To My Inner Child ]
To my inner child,
may we find rest,
may we find time
to create and explore
and learn --
to never stop satisfying
that curiosity.
#Lucy Dan (Tiny Poem from the Pandemic)
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Mental health is… complicated. It can be. I know mine certainly is.
The picture is multifaceted:
Genetic / chemical disorders (OCD, Bipolar, Autism, ADHD, Anxiety, eating disorders even)
TRAUMA and lots of it! (Which caused CPTSD and Borderline PD traits and probably contributed to the eating disorder)
Identity challenges/struggles (gender dysphoria, struggling with internalized queerphobia/transphobia)
I’ve clearly been in a lot of therapy LOL but I am managing! Surviving! Maybe even thriving!
#neurodivergent#mental health#mental health story#mental health recovery#neurodiversity#disability#trauma#recovery from trauma#complex ptsd#ptsd#ocd#anxiety#gad#adhd#autism#autistic#actually autistic#trans#transgender#ftm#nonbinary#queer#bisexual#positivity#coping#therapy#ed recovery#mental illness#hope#hopeful
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CW: spiritual, deeply reflective, PTSD personal thoughts
—
I think I have significantly decreased my tolerance for my own dissociation and disembodied dissociation from other people in my life. (I use the term, dissociation, pretty loosely… and based on my own experiences.)
In my journey of having long-term PTSD, I didn’t really realize that I wasn’t getting better because I was letting a very dominant part of me, a part of me that was hell bent on survival and pushing through, subconsciously run my life.
The trauma(s) made me more hollow. It didn’t help me reveal who I was as a person - it may have broken me but I glued myself up with armor that wasn’t meant to last long-term.
The dissociation and disembodied living made me less human, even though this is a very human thing to experience. I say this because I was subconsciously and consciously escaping what it meant to truly be myself.
Survival after trauma(s) is tricky when parts of you that are trying to protect you are running the show. I think these parts were protecting my soul (and by this, I mean, my true self).
I think a lot of people don’t want their soul to be dominant.
I think it’s easier for many people to live in the fantasy of what their imagined life could be than dare to dream what life could be, if we surrendered and led with our soul instead.
I think some people would think the latter is inconceivable to even think about.
With trauma, people are disconnected from their conditioning that may have contributed to how they were living their lives before, but they also get disconnected from their soul, their true nature, and their environment.
The trauma colors everything in its light.
It is a false light but I believe that the false light can help for real light to come through and illuminate who we are when we are ready to see it.
The real light is exactly what it sounds. You know how when you’re living in darkness, you don’t see things so you don’t confront them?
The real light will show you what you aren’t confronting - it will show you your darkness.
I think the scary part of trauma recovery is to shatter that seemingly-protective armor to reveal who you are again. This is an incredibly painful process.
I think true healing isn’t just about you escaping your trauma - it is about having the strength to go on a journey to the depths of your own darkness as well as rise to the heights of your light. And to realize that both paths are necessary for you to integrate. That you don’t have to escape what it means to be human, you can double down on being more and more utterly human.
#healing#neurodivergence#trauma#love#queer#self love#prose#thoughts#healing journey#ptsd#ptsd recovery#spiritual growth#recovery from trauma#shadow work#it’s a journey#dissociation#disembodiment#survival
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[ To My Inner Child ]
To my inner child,
may we find rest,
may we find time
to create and explore
and learn --
to never stop satisfying
that curiosity.
#Lucy Dan (Tiny Poem from the Pandemic)
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Quote
[ To My Inner Child ]
To my inner child,
may we find rest,
may we find time
to create and explore
and learn --
to never stop satisfying
that curiosity.
#Lucy Dan (Tiny Poem from the Pandemic)
0 notes
Quote
[ To My Inner Child ]
To my inner child,
may we find rest,
may we find time
to create and explore
and learn --
to never stop satisfying
that curiosity.
#Lucy Dan (Tiny Poem from the Pandemic) / #Lucy Dan (Tiny Poem from the Pandemic)
1 note
·
View note
Quote
[ To My Inner Child ]
To my inner child,
may we find rest,
may we find time
to create and explore
and learn --
to never stop satisfying
that curiosity.
#Lucy Dan (Tiny Poem from the Pandemic)
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#breakup recovery#breakup#heartbreak#sad love#soul ties#healthybreakup#moving on#daily diary#diary#heartache#narcissistic abuse#narcissistic trauma#narcissism#raised by narcissists#narcissisticgaslighting#Gaslighting#gaslight#healing#mental health#healing from trauma#self healing#healingjourney#if he wanted to he would
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Watch "When someone is Exiting a relationship "- Matthew Hussey #shorts" on YouTube
#mental health#recovery#mental illness#recovery inspiration#dbt skills#love#my life#self love#use your brain#set yourself free#mental disorder#gaslighting#remember#the truth#toxic relationship#addictions#communication#codepency#recovery from trauma#borderline problems#note to self#self reflection
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Quote
[ To My Inner Child ]
To my inner child,
may we find rest,
may we find time
to create and explore
and learn --
to never stop satisfying
that curiosity.
#Lucy Dan (Tiny Poem from the Pandemic)
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which one of these did you believe was normal throughout your childhood:
Parents telling you that you're a financial burden to them
Parents insisting you need to work if you want to live in their house
Parents threatening to kick you out if you don't do as they say
Parents threatening death to you
Parents convincing you that you would die without them
Parents expecting you to know information you've never been taught or shown
Parents convincing you that you're unlovable
Parents telling you that any harm done to you is deserved
Parents not caring if you're sick/injured and shaming you for it
Parents expecting you to not have needs
Parents telling you that you're 'crazy' when you remember something traumatic they did to you
Parents acting like you're not a part of the family whenever is convenient
Being told to keep silent to 'keep the family together'
'What happens in my house stay in my house'
Parents inflicting physical abuse, marks and injuries on you
Parents having the right to do whatever they please to their kid
Parents insisting they must be automatically forgiven for everything
Parents telling you that you're the abusive one if you disobey
Parents throwing rage tantrums and screaming hateful atrocities at you in the 'heat of the moment' then later pretending thats normal and forgivable
Parents being allowed to act immature while children are not
Parents simply 'not noticing' when you have emotional/mental issues
Being suicidal and nobody caring or paying attention to it
Struggling with eating disorders/mental illnesses/disability and only being shamed and blamed for it
Parents insisting that their right to hurt you is above law and reason and that you are the only one who can be punished
Idea that 'everyone has it this hard' and 'you're the only one who is being this badly affected by otherwise normal treatment of children
Being told that it would only be worse for you somewhere else and you're lucky that you're only having 'only that amount of abuse'
Parents comparing their parenting to worse examples and wanting gratitude that they're 'not as bad'
Parents telling you that you'll never amount to anything and undermining everything you've done in life continually
Parents acting like your experience and perspective don't matter, or insisting you don't have the right to one in the first place.
(none of these are normal. this is brainwashing)
#child abuse#abusive parents#toxic parents#traumatic childhood#trauma recovery#healing from abuse#abused child#traumatized child#cptsd#ptsd
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