#abusive parents | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

vaor · 8 months

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things i wish i had known when i escaped my family household and couldn't ask my parents for help

invest in a good mattress early on. there are many other ends you can save on - sleep is not one of them. this is key to how much energy you'll have throughout the day

you don't need a bedframe but you do need a slatted bed base (even if it's just pallets)

opening a bank account is easy

there's youtube tutorials for everything. how to install your washing machine, how to use tools, fixing stuff around the place. channels like dad, how do i? are a godsend

change energy provider as soon as your old deal runs out. you'll get better offers elsewhere and avoid price gouging

assemble a basic first aid kid at home: painkillers, probiotics, alcohol wipes, bandages, tweezers, antihistamine tablets - anything you might need in a pinch

and an emergency toolkit: flashlight, extra batteries, a utility knife, an adjustable wrench, multi-tool, duct tape

set your fridge to the lowest temperature it can go. the energy consumption is minimal in difference and it'll give you +4/7 days on most foods

off-brand products are almost always the same in quality and taste, if not better, for half the price

coupons will save you a lot of money in the long run

there's no reason to be shy around employees at the bank/laundromat/store; most people will be happy to help

vegetarian diets are generally cheap if you make food from scratch

breakfast is as important as they say

keep track of your budget in a notebook or excel file - e.g. rent, phone and internet bills, food, leisure so you'll have an overlook on your spending over the months

don't gamble

piracy is okay

stealing from big stores and chains is also ethically okay

keep medical bills and pharmacy receipts for tax returns

also, file your tax returns early

take up a hobby that isn't in front of a screen. pottery, music, going for a run every now and then, stuff that'll keep you busy and sane

and most importantly... you're allowed to get the stuff you want. treat yourself to the occasional mundane thing. a good scented candle. a bath bomb. that body lotion that makes you feel like royalty. the good coffee beans.

you're free and you deserve to be happy.

#going from being denied basic knowledge to becoming independent over night was wild lmao #but here i am #four years later #doing pretty good #maya screams into the void #moving out #abusive parents

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neuroticboyfriend · 11 months

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Abuse has a goal behind it, and a lot of the time, it's about changing the victims behavior. If someone screams at you for not doing X activity, eventually you learn to do X activity. If someone hits you when you defy them, eventually you learn not to defy them. If someone abuses you frequently enough, and you begin to break down to their will... It is possible to reach a point where it may seem like you're not being abused anymore.

They don't yell anymore because you stay quiet and do what you're told. They don't threaten you anymore because you don't voice even the slightest disagreement or need. What used to be screaming fighting arguments have become lectures at your expense. They may even praise you for doing what they want you to. And all those mundane moments - breakfast, the rare kind act - stand out more. Your perception of the relationship skews even more. It's all normal now.

And it's still abuse. It's just reached its end goal - wearing you down so badly that they don't need to overtly abuse you anymore to get what they want. All they need to do is make a joke, or complain to guilt you, or tell you want to do/not to do, etc. etc. The fact that's all it takes now doesn't make what's happening to you less severe - if anything, it means you're in much, much more danger than you could realize.

It's abuse. It's horrific. It's just not obvious anymore... and that's terrifying. You deserve so, so much better. You deserve to truly be safe - not to have your wellbeing held behind fearful compliance. That's not safety. That's not love. That's abuse. It being psychological doesn't make it less dangerous.

#messages to myself #softspoonie #abuse #domestic abuse #psychological abuse #covert abuse #overt abuse #abusive relationships #abusive parents #child abuse #surviving abuse #verbal abuse #mental abuse #mental health #trauma

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furiousgoldfish · 3 months

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me to my younger self: you have never done anything wrong in your entire life, and I love you

my younger self: but-

me: YOU DID NOTHING WRONG YOU HEAR ME, YOU WERE A CHILD THEY LIED TO YOU

#child abuse #abusive parents #inner child #toxic parents #trying to unbrainwash your child self #feeling guilty for being a normal kid

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moonlit-positivity · 11 days

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There is no "right" or "wrong" way to react to trauma. There is only survival. You do what you can until you can get out and get safe, and that is the only thing that should ever matter. You deserve to be respected for how you cope with your pain. But you also deserve to be respected enough to know you're worth the effort to heal and seek recovery if you so choose.

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one-abuse-survivor · 2 years

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Abusers have human sides to them too.

When abuse, whether real or fictional, is talked about in media, one of two things usually happens. The abuser is either completely dehumanised and painted as an evil caricature, or given a tragic backstory that makes the victim feel so sorry for their abuser they end up forgiving them.

And I think this is part of why it can be so hard to believe we ourselves are going through abuse. Because when it's you going through it, you see the human side of your abuser too. You see them cry, and laugh, and overcome adversity, and be vulnerable, and feel scared and small. You see them struggle and you see them genuinely try to spend quality time with you, and you see them show the ways they love you. Sometimes, you can even see that they mean it when they say they love you.

And because we've been taught that "actual" abusers are all bad, heartless, merciless, and lacking in humanity, and everyone else is just a suffering person who hurt others because they were hurting inside, we think what we're going through can't possibly be abuse. We think we're exaggerating, or being weak, or selfish. We punish ourselves for not being more understanding of what they're going through. We convince ourselves we're making it all up and we're the monsters in our own story.

But we're not. We're just not used to acknowledging that abusers are human, and that their humanity does not negate their abuse.

If you've ever questioned your abuse because your abuser was struggling, or genuinely loved you, or was trying their best, or expressed conflicting emotions, or was abused themselves, this post is for you. I believe you. I believe what happened to you was abuse. Their circumstances did not justify their actions.

I believe you, and you are not alone.

#Abuse #Abuse tw #Abuse survivor #Abuse victim #abusive relationship #Abusive parents #Abusive family #Abusive partner #Abuse recovery #I know media does get it right many times #But not enough of them (in my personal opinion) considering how *wired* abuse victims are to believe they're not actually being abused #And if I see one more story where the victim is basically forced to empathise with their abuser and forgive and help them I WILL SCREAM

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sa-dnesss · 2 years

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My home will be a home with no loud anger, no explosive rage, no slamming doors or breaking glass, no holes punched into the walls, no name calling, shaming or blackmail. My home will be gentle, it will be warm. No fear, no hurt and no worries. I may come from a broken and twisted place but I will build something whole and safe.

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copingwithmemes · 1 year

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vampireink · 8 months

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I will have a home one day. It will be warm, and it will be safe. It will have large windows so that it never feels like a prison. It will have comfort and light and colours, and there will be joy echoing off of each of the walls. There will be no shouting in my home. There will be no violence, no harsh words, no abuse ... it will be safe, and it will be my home.

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traumatizedjaguar · 1 year

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#traumacore #traumacore edit #ventcore #tw cocsa #traumatizedjaguar #tw parental abuse #abusive parents #abusive family #child abuse

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neuroticboyfriend · 1 year

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abusers can love their victims. that love doesn't justify or invalidate the abuse. abuse is abuse, and abuse is never okay.

#softspoonie #abuse #abusive relationships #abusive parents #abuse survivor #abuse victim #trauma #trauma survivor #mental health

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furiousgoldfish · 4 months

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Abusive parents instill this compulsion in you to always act like everything is okay. No matter what is done to you, or what you're experiencing, you're compulsed to act okay. They do this in order to preserve their public image, and it's usually done by severe punishment and humiliation, for every time when you're openly showing any pain, dissent, emotion or opposition to what they say.

Next thing you're taught is that if you can act like you're okay, then you're fine. If you were really 'not okay', then you wouldn't be able to act fine, you'd be openly having a breakdown, crying, screaming, creating a scene or whatever else and it would be beyond your control. Which is easy to convince you, because you're constantly watching them scream, cry, throw tantrums, create scenes and having violent outbursts, seemingly without their control, and you don't want to be acting like that. You understand that this behaviour is childish and dramatic, you're repulsed by it.

However when it's about you, they convince you that any complaint, any little show of pain, hurt, fear or unwillingness to go ahead with whatever they want, is the same as their tantrums, actually worse. They get rewarded with attention and comfort for their tantrums, you get punished for any hint of distress.

So then you end up feeling like you always, no matter what, have to keep your control, because if you don't, you'd be like them, tantrum-throwing out-of-control giant oversensitive baby. You believe if at any point you ask your needs to be considered, if any time you were to voice discomfort, pain, or anger, you'd be considered a burden. Possibly get humiliated and despised. You'd be shamed and socially outcased because nobody would want to put up with that. Your compulsion to act like everything is okay, becomes so strong that you could be actively dying and you still wouldn't say a word, or show a hint that something might be wrong with you.

And you doubt even your own pain, and cling to the notion you were taught before. 'If you truly weren't okay, you wouldn't be able to act okay'. But this is a lie. If a person is compulsed, with such high stakes, to act okay, they can act okay through anything. You can actively be having a panic attack and act okay. You could be having severe health issues and act okay. You could be having severe trauma condition and act okay. There is almost no limit to how far you can act when you feel unsafe. My body learned to time seizures and attacks to only happen when other people were not around to see it. Because it felt like my life depended on it.

It is possible to act okay and very much not be okay. The fact that you're forced to act means you're unsafe to show how not-okay you are, not that you are really fine if you can act it! Your condition should not be put on a doubt just because you're not visibly and publicly falling apart. Abusers visibly throwing tantrums is also an act, not their true state. You've been lied to twice. People can act okay through hell, and they can throw tantrums for nothing. Don't doubt how not-okay you are, even if you can act otherwise.

#psychological abuse #emotional abuse #abusive parents #acting okay #compulsion to act okay #pretending you're okay

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livininaburninghouse · 4 months

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It is a valid response.

#childhood trauma #toxic family #abusive family #abusive household #abusive dad #abusive parents #abusive mother #abuse survivor #abusive survivors #physical abuse #emotional abuse #narcissistic abuse #tw parental abuse #tw abuse

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nothing0fnothing · 1 month

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"I did my best."

We've all heard it. Usually as adults, usually when we've started to understand the fog we've been living in and want to discuss it with our parents.

It's very "I'm sorry" it's never "I wish I was different." It's always "I did my best." And at first we believe it, afterall, we were there too. We know it was hard. We know they had their own issues, we are mature now, we understand that sometimes your best isn't good enough.

But then they don't try to be better. The kids are adults. We give them the benefit of the doubt and we choose to believe them when they say that the absolute shitshow they made out of our formative years was "their best", but we can also see they're not trying to do better now.

They're still petulant. They're still angry. They're still biting and cruel. They won't say sorry. They won't accept blame. They try to tell us we were asking for it as children. They try to make us feel crazy.

We realise they're not trying their best now to be good to us, and in that we start to wonder if they ever tried their best at all.

#abusive parents #childhood abuse #raised by narcissists #parental abuse #dysfunctional family #dysfunctional household #childhood trauma #cptsd recovery #ptsd recovery #narcissistic abuse recovery #abuse recovery

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brain--rott · 4 months

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i grew up thinking dying was okay as long as i did it quietly

#ethan speaks #did you want me to die mom?#it hurts mom #abusive parents #bpd #death

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