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#narcissistic abuse recovery
nothing0fnothing · 1 month
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"I did my best."
We've all heard it. Usually as adults, usually when we've started to understand the fog we've been living in and want to discuss it with our parents.
It's very "I'm sorry" it's never "I wish I was different." It's always "I did my best." And at first we believe it, afterall, we were there too. We know it was hard. We know they had their own issues, we are mature now, we understand that sometimes your best isn't good enough.
But then they don't try to be better. The kids are adults. We give them the benefit of the doubt and we choose to believe them when they say that the absolute shitshow they made out of our formative years was "their best", but we can also see they're not trying to do better now.
They're still petulant. They're still angry. They're still biting and cruel. They won't say sorry. They won't accept blame. They try to tell us we were asking for it as children. They try to make us feel crazy.
We realise they're not trying their best now to be good to us, and in that we start to wonder if they ever tried their best at all.
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vizthedatum · 6 months
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I will not excuse abuse or disregard for my feelings/boundaries.
I will not enable my insecure attachment to a person who consistently exhibits this behavior.
I understand that maintaining insecure attachments is not the same as maintaining a relationship.
I will not settle for the veil of safety.
I want real safety.
I want real relationships.
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marzivcr · 9 months
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"I have to go, I'm a big girl now."
The first time I saw this episode I sobbed. Sobbed for my inner child who should have been allowed to grow and explore on her own. Sobbed for teenage me who was called a monster by her own mom. Sobbed for the adult me that is no contact with Dad first, then Mom because she took his side, she chose an abusive husband over her own child. She chose to decay, not grow or thrive or live and took it personally when her child would do those things like she should. Bluey is a wonderful show.
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khardigwrites · 1 year
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I Made a Deal with the Devil
I made a deal with the devil
And sealed it with a demon’s kiss.
 My soul for his love
It was conditional.
 At first, it didn’t feel real.
It was unlike any love I’d ever known.
Full of life and promise and purpose.
And that’s how he gets you.
 Slowly and slowly
He drug out my soul.
 Piece by piece
He chipped at my heart.
 And before I knew it,
I wasn’t even me anymore.  
 I begged for me back
And he laughed in my face.
He told me it was my fault.
Made me say sorry for not loving him back.
 I tried to take back what was mine
But the deal had already been made.
 He took me into his jaws of death
And swallowed me whole,
Spit me back out
And left me.
Empty,
Broken,
Soulless.
 He didn’t hold up his end of the deal…
Afterall,
He was a devil in disguise.
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Croak - 2019
Here is the headline: I did not give up, I was pushed down into the dirt and trampled.
And dirty and broken as I am it is hard to think, much less type with broken fingers about my rape, and my disowernship.
Anyways, I tried to tell you...
Now I am left screaming in the wind.
And every now and then someone stoops beside me like I was a baby bird who fell out of the nest and broke its wing. But turn me over and you will see only my maggot maw chirping chaos at you now, my brain a seething bed of decay and deterioration. You withdraw your hand, instinctually.
In paradise, the stampeders dance in concert halls, cut cheese, and sip on Welch's sparkling grapejuice out of rarefied solo cups cut to look like crystal, and sing birthday songs to their cross-eyed children, and toast to their deeds, their pride towering like shadows at dusk over the dirt.
Chirp. Chirp.
Chirp. Chirp.
Crickets lay claim over my corpse. I want to cry tears that will tell you how they dined on my open sores but all that will come to my mind now is the reversal of my fortune: where once I swept up insects out of reeking eggcrate in petstore bins and sealed them in balloons to send them drifting to their waiting fates in a bearded dragon's lair.
And, then, in the sink in the pump room for the fish tanks with the sickbay for our dead arrivals I would ash my hands clean of their little BMs until my nuckles cracked and bled into the Chichlid's bed's of gravel when I returned my hand to work and thrust my raw nubs bleeding into row after row of brackish waters and wiped down the mildew the suckerfish and the snails in their shells were remiss to lick up, day after day.
Where are my labors taking me, now? Well...
You found me rotting in the dirt. My hands were cracked and bleeding, fingers broken
from prying at my tomb; my deathbed a womb for worms; my suffocated skull a conchshell worn by a crab dictating notes to a symphony of chitinous fiddlers fattened on the fecund bile in my heart.
My brain crab composes, my heart crickets stiffen and listen, and the legion of them animate my zombie remains like a rotting marionette pantomiming in motion to the chorus of them wearing my skin like a ballerina gliding through hell's halls in the devil's ballet.
And I'm done.
next time I will write prose....
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thecoachingdirectory · 4 months
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andnowanowl · 5 months
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It's nearly been two months since my ex tossed me out like garbage and stole most of the down-payment for the house we got. Three things I've noticed:
1) My insomnia is gone. It magically disappeared as soon as I moved back in with my dad.
2) I'm eating three meals a day again and actually want to eat. The portions are small but I don't eat to fill my stomach up entirely anyway because it's uncomfortable. I weighed 96 lbs when I was dumped (not a great weight for someone who is 5'5") because I was so depressed and not eating.
3) It may be too soon to say for sure whether everything is back to normal, but my digestive system appears to be working better. I would not have bowel movements for weeks (even before I stopped eating) and then, occasionally, I would have very painful semi-solid movements. Cramping that would nauseate me and make me nearly pass out from the pain. When they say trust your gut with certain people, they are apparently also talking about how your digestive system reacts to being around them.
It's actually a relief to be away from him, especially since he kept trying to pressure me into having sex even though he knew I'm sex-repulsed.
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artisticdivasworld · 6 months
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Understanding Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and Navigating the Storm of Narcissistic Abuse
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a complex and often misunderstood condition that can have profound effects on relationships and personal well-being. At its core, NPD is characterized by an inflated sense of self-importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others. But behind this mask of extreme confidence lies a…
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onroses · 10 months
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backbonepower · 10 months
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Narcissists thrive on control, but you have the power to take it back.
Reclaim your autonomy, make choices that align with your values, and forge your own path toward happiness. https://bit.ly/backbonepower-audiobook
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nothing0fnothing · 7 months
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Survivors of domestic violence: narcissistic abuse is real.
Survivors of childhood violence: narcissistic abuse is real.
Survivors of emotional and psychological abuse: narcissistic abuse is real.
Loved ones of survivors: narcissistic abuse is real.
Therapists specialising in abuse recovery: narcissistic abuse is real.
Experts in abnormal psychology: narcissistic abuse is real.
People with CTPSD: narcissistic abuse is real.
Psychologists studying the effect of long term abuse on the brain: narcissistic abuse is real.
People with diagnosed cluster B disorders: narcissistic abuse is real.
Disabled people who are more likely to be abused than abled people: narcissistic abuse is real.
The therapy prescribed to people diagnosed with cluster B disorders: narcissistic abuse is real.
Self identified "narcissists" on tumblr: nuh-uh.
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vizthedatum · 6 months
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"you're just doing whatever you want now!"
Remember, if you believe that you cannot do "whatever you want" because someone else makes you think that it's harming them or your relationship with them when you know deep down that you aren't harming anyone (and you're willing to collaborate and/or seek help for conciliation or repair in the relationship)...
Then, you're being gaslit and controlled.
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This goes for breaking against your social constructs, too.
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marzivcr · 9 months
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I miss my mom so bad
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“Any loss, even if it’s positive, can trigger distress. Many people feel profound grief after ending a traumatic relationship. This grief may be complicated. You may experience a sense of numbness or detachment, difficulty trusting others, a sense of longing for the abuser, or difficulty engaging in your everyday routine. Keep in mind that these symptoms are common, and they usually dissipate as you move through your healing process.”
https://www.choosingtherapy.com/recovering-from-narcissistic-abuse/
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christinastevens3654 · 11 months
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You are only responsible for what YOU say and do, not anyone else!!
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