#okay so this ended up being a vent anyway. not as negative as my other ones but still. needs content warnings.
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Kinda vent post? Like not really but it’s just me rambling. Read the tags before the post tho (very important!!!!!!)
I’ve decided to hole up on tumblr for a while because no one here knows me so I can be weird and mentally I’ll without judgement.
Today is a day. Like i can’t describe it as “the worst” day out of the recent bad days because honestly it was quite peaceful. But it was bad in the sense that my mental health is seriously kicking my ass and like. I like playing Bin Weevils, i love my bin pet whom I’ve named Unicorn, i love playing with her. I love watching Big Hero 6 the series, i love watching miraculous ladybug. I love watching Thai dramas. I love playing my towers of Hanoi thing (i time myself a lot, it’s 8 rings) and i love the toy thing with bubbles like you push it in and then flip it around and push it in again and it makes a satisfying pop sound idk what it’s called. I love all of those things but i tried to do them to cheer myself up but then i just didn’t wanna do any of it. Not even the popping thing. I just ended up laying in bed with a pillow wrapped around my head to make me feel better. After months of being better I considered downloading Township again, which is a game i play to make myself less suicidal. Which i have been recently. Except this is NOT a good time because A, the game is super addictive and I’ll be stuck on it for AT LEAST a week before I’ll be able to pull myself off it. And B, my A Levels are next month and i haven’t actually covered my entire syllabus yet. I have a month to teach myself all my subject material AND prepare myself for the exam and as of right now im doing none of it. Because i get up late and when I do I just stay in bed and don’t have the motivation to do anything.
My mental health is REALLY kicking my ass rn.
But i did cheer up today. Because of the stupidest thing. I read the Elon Musk deposition and it was so ridiculous in some places that i laughed. Yes, i read the entire thing. It has so much entertainment value and i highly recommend it for those who are bored. And because of that i cheered up for the few hours that are left of my day now.
So then Bigil was gonna be on TV and i wanted to watch it because it looked cool, so TV time. Bigil is a Tamil movie released in 2019 (correct me if I’m wrong about this) and it’s about football and empowering women and it’s a really good movie. And it has one of my favourite actors so that was a plus. I also cried like 3 times during the movie because some parts are SO EMOTIONAL. i doubt anyone reading this will watch Bigil but spoiler alert anyway: when the dad is stabbed and he jumps out of the train, that was the first time I cried. Because Michael jumped out of the train to Delhi and cue action scene where he slaughters all the people that killed his dad, doing exactly what his dad had NOT wanted for him. He had wanted him to go to Delhi and be a national football player and never become a violent gánster like himself, but that’s EXACTLY what Bigil did the moment his dad was stabbed. He jumped off the train. And beat everyone up. And it was breaking my heart.
Spoiler alert again: the second time I cried was when the second MIA player was having her story told where that chuttad smashed her face with what i think was an egg filled with acid? And it was just so fucking heartbreaking I can’t talk about it. And the third time I cried was when another player was dumped out of the back of a Jeep in a fucking sack and when they opened the sack she was barely conscious and she’d been forcefed huge amounts of cocaine. That just probably made me break down (/nsrs) it was so horrible and heartbreaking.
I did cry again at the end of the movie but that was crying from joy because it was a good ending and it cheered me up immensely.
Unfortunately when the movie was over it was already like 23:20 for me so now i don’t have long left I should sleep. It’s 00:49.
But yeah my mental health is kicking my ass in terms of my academic endeavours and i really don’t appreciate that. Idk what to do to get myself to function normally again. My mom’s being super supportive of me now that she knows I’m mentally ill, but it still sucks because at least, before she found out she wasn’t so worried about me. After the doctors told her she broke down crying and ever since then she’s way too worried for me. Which is probably justified right now actually because it’s been so so hard to not kill myself. Im literally making exact plans in my head which is NOT good. And i keep zoning back in to realize that im singing a song in my head, and they’re like tunes of the muffin man rhyme or like some pop song but my brain’s using “i wanna die” and “im gonna kill myself” as lyrics. Which is. Disturbing. I didn’t think I’d be like this again after I was started on medications.
It was very sinister this morning zoning in and realising that im singing to the tune of the muffin man. “Im gonna kill myself, gonna kill myself, gonna kill myself” with all the cheeriness of the original rhyme. It was just. I’d say traumatising but in this case it’s my own brain giving me that trauma.
That’s really not something I want to do to myself.
I seem to keep alternating between “i wanna die because i don’t deserve happiness” and “i wanna die because i don’t deserve all the bad stuff happening to me”. Like brain, pick a side. Why exactly are we dying. Is life a good thing or not. Am i happy right now or not. I genuinely desire to know. What exactly is making me want to die.
Even if it’s mental illness, like what is it stemming from exactly. Okay my autism clinician said that i went into depression because of my autism and at the time I disagreed with him but recently I’ve started thinking maybe he’s not wrong, he’s right but not because of the reasons he’s thinking of. I know me being different from everyone else pisses me off a lot because i just want to fit in you know. Feel like i belong somewhere. And maybe the frustration of never having that is making me depressed.
I just. It’s different to what I’ve thought my entire life. Memory issues kick my ass too but for as long as I’ve known, in middle school i thought I was going crazy BECAUSE i wanted to kill myself so bad and that’s not a normal thing. Clinician hypothesised that i wanted to kill myself because i thought I was crazy? Okay maybe but idk. I’ve always believed the former but. What if the clinician is not wrong. Like what if I thought I was different and that’s why i wanted to kill myself, which led me to believe I was crazy. Like i knew I was different but i don’t think I paid that much attention to my difference. Like as much as the fact that people hated me and i hated myself. It is so so weird wanting to kill yourself when you’re barely conscious of the concept of death. I was a child. No child deserved that, not even me. With all the bitchiness that i had ih me back then. Even I didn’t deserve feeling like that at such a tiny age.
Every since finding out that im depressed and autistic, I’ve tried to help myself in any way I can but idk HOW. I’ve tried so many things that I’ve grown immune to practically every method I can think of. I go outside look at the sun look at trees touch grass and shit and all I can think is “im sweating. I wanna die.” I go to a public library and sit there in the midst of hundreds of books and i think “I’ll never be able to acquire all of the knowledge this library holds. I wanna die.” It rains. “My socks are wet. I wanna die.” I listen to upbeat music. “I wanna make an AMV of this so bad and i still haven’t made all the AMVs I’ve planned. Wanna die.” I listen to sad music. “Life is sad. Wanna die.” I literally will watch a show that i LIKE and ENJOY and that makes me HAPPY, but a couple episodes in i just turn it off because it’s not hitting and there’s no point. Like in the past idk decade of being depressed I’ve tried so many things that now i just feel immune to any motivating thing I come across. Now the things that motivate me are unconventional things like the Elon Musk deposition of today.
I don’t have time for this stuff right now. I need to study. I need to get past this and i need to get into university this year and i need to do so many things. And it’s a lot. I don’t have time to sit and slowly try to make myself function again. What i need to do is study. And fucking plane tickets or whatever.
Honestly when I go back to England this time I’m probably not gonna be able to stop myself from becoming violent if anyone at school pisses me off even once. And i probably don’t want to stop. The nice people won’t piss me off it’s only the gaands that will piss me off and they definitely deserve some kicks to the ass, accounting for all the times in the past 2 years that they’ve pissed me off.
Swearing in Hindi feels so freeing like no one will be able to tell I’m calling them an ass or a dick. They’re just sounds to generic white people. I could say it with a sweet tone and they wouldn’t be able to do anything because even if they think it’s a swear they can’t prove it because they don’t know Hindi and im saying it to them nicely anyway. Imagine saying “tere baap ke chuttad se nikla hua gadha” in a sweet voice and them doing absolutely nothing about it. Actually yes, im gonna do that if only to give them hell for being dicks during year 12.
Okay i feel better now with my new game plan. I might even work out again so I can put my karate skills to use. Im never seeing anyone from that school again, might as well go out with a bang.
Unconventional motivation to keep living. 👍
Anyway yeah it’s 01:15 i should probably go to bed now.
#okay so this ended up being a vent anyway. not as negative as my other ones but still. needs content warnings.#cw vent#tw vent#tw sui ideation#tw depression#cw autism#cw mentions of going crazy#cw violence#also the next ones apply if you’re reading the spoilers:#cw extreme violence#cw stabbing#cw drugs#cw death#cw acid?#okay next ones are general content warnings again:#cw England mention#cw mild racism on my part. in my defence it’s intended for only certain people and also I’m pissed.#cw Elon musk#cw politics#actually idk if I talked about politics in this post or not#cw bad vibes in general#yeah#basically if you’re in a bad place#do not read this#and also it’s ridiculously long i never intended for it to be this long#anyway cheese out#cw rant#tw rant#vent#rant
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ahh~ i’m so glad you liked my little essay~!! i have a knack for analyzing and interpreting stuff, i just think it’s so fun. plus i needed a way to vent out my thoughts and feelings on the little hyper-fixation i’ve developed from your story, my brain just went into overdrive because of how unique it is so i couldn’t resist.
anyway, thank you, seriously thank you for enjoying it, and i’m super happy to say that i have come up with few a headcanons of my own. these are mainly könig headcanons, so they’re more of my interpretations and analysis on him. let me know what you think~! i hope you have a wonderful read, and please keep doing you, you are a wonderful writer, and incredibly talented!!
okay, so first:
despite könig’s openness and acceptance to engels interest in his weaponry, i highly doubt that he would actually allow her to indulge in using any of them. i would even consider that he wouldn’t even teach her how to use one, especially his guns. sure, he’s gifted her knifes but notice that they’re quite feminine and dainty even, könig does try to engage with engel and her interests but emasculates them in a way that should suit her, a cute little knife is practically harmless compared to the massive destruction of his guns. the furthest he would go to showing her anything is how to hold it, but he still wouldn’t want her to hold it herself, and he won’t even shoot it in front of her considering that would damage her hearing, and he can’t bring himself to do that to his baby.
with that, i do think könig is careful and cautious with his engel. i feel like he tries to filter through the good and the bad for her. yes, we’ve been given instances in which the exact opposite has happened, i.e. him stabbing her boss right in front of her, but that was acted purely on impulse. i think after that, he tries his best, and i mean he really tries to shield her from that ever again unless absolutely needed. however, if she were to ask for that twisted ruthless side of him again, because she has the tendency to be twisted herself, then i’m sure he would have to lay down some ground rules, and although hesitant, in the end, he would do anything for her. but despite that, he does not allow angel to consume things that he perceives to be negative for both him and her, and what i mean by that is that he doesn’t allow her to consume any material that could be triggering for him or anything that could alter her behavior that would negatively effect both of them. so, stuff like world news, social media, anything that could give her a sense of empowerment, he doesn’t allow her to have her own phone, she’s constantly monitored, and she’s never alone once she leaves home because könig has to always check in on her. könig absolutely does not want her to be influenced by anything, it’s another reason why she doesn’t have friends, and knowing she isn’t influenced by anything other than him helps keep him from being paranoid, anxious, and violent.
now, back to könig being a raging misogynist at times, he would definitely believe in the value of gender roles, and i mean nothing is more important to him than the normalcy and complacency of the ideal of gendered roles and relationships. also, i hate to admit it, but he just can’t see his woman doing or portraying anything too masculine, it’s a turn off for him, he prefers if she were to just stay at home and do “womanly things” and be a woman, whatever that entails. i think he would even encourage engel to quit the job that she has now, he probably never liked the fact that she worked in such a masculine environment, working such a dirty job in the first place. the only times when he’ll allow engel to even be remotely dominant is during sex, and it’s only if she wants to be, but even through sex he still has the upper hand and has this, ‘this is only happening because i’m allowing it to happen’ mentality. plus it’s a nice thing to let go, relax, and allow her to take control for a little bit, but he would always remind her, both sexually and domestically, where her place is.
könig is completely shameless when it comes to his physicality. he knows what he’s capable of and he knows engel loves his body, so he uses that to his advantage to show off and impress her more. so that means, more unnecessary bouts of strengths used in front of engel, more commitment to his workouts, wearing less clothes around her (he honestly prefers to be casually nude more than he likes to admit, i also think it’s a kink for him to see her so flustered from it too), and insane sex positions. i think he would really enjoy fucking/eating her out standing up, just anything that involves comfortably lifting her up and possibly manhandling her, in a safe way at least.
also, könig is the most expressive when it comes to his sexuality. again, he has little shame, but it’s only because there’s something so special in sex that allows him to let go and just do what he wants in such an intimate environment, and it’s because of engel that it only amps up way more. so, with that being said, the guy is incredibly kinky and experimental. like i said, he likes casual nudity, but only done on his part, he doesn’t really like engel flaunting her body the way he flaunts his and prefers for her to stay modest, it’s really because of the innocent aspect that she tends to play that gets him going because of it. i also see him thriving in animalistic, predator/prey type of sex, especially if it’s outdoors. every time they’re out hiking, camping, or just happen to be in a large remote wooded area, expect some wild sex happening between these two. he just really enjoys pushing his limits and boundaries through sex for the purposes of showcasing the emotions he is unable to communicate normally, which is why he often has an intense sexual drive, but he also enjoys letting go once in a while, being taken cared of, and feeling loved by engel. könig really bonds well when he has this outlet where his emotions, something he constantly suppresses, can be catered, and very often is his emotions expressed dominantly, whether as a hard dom or soft one, it’s mainly about control and acceptance for him.
something könig would slightly be ashamed of though, is receiving open comfort and affection. his upbringing is super fucked and his lack of affection and love as a child definitely shaped himself as a very undeserving man of any of that, although he craves it immensely. so, as contradictory as it is, while he loves giving devotion and intimacy for selfish reasons, he does have trouble accepting genuine love and warmth for himself. it’s something that takes time for him to recognize that he needs and accepts, especially with the right person. so, yes, he’s very hesitant of these instances, but by god, does engel make it so much easier for him. it’s no wonder he’s so indulgent with her and why he’s constantly pushing her limits, it is not because he’s consciously choosing to do the most insane shit but rather, he doesn’t realize it and it’s inappropriateness. i think if engel were to teach him how to properly love and care more respectfully and appropriately, you know something he wasn’t taught as a child, i think he would be a bit more mentally stable in his behavior. however, i do not think she will, it’s because of his dangerous behavior that drew her in the first place and his toxic, overwhelming personality that solidified her place in their relationship, so there’s no way she’s getting rid of könig’s obsessive, possessive, dominant traits that practically has made him into a sex god, but she will suggest therapy from time to time if he continues to exhibit insecure-like behaviors and especially when he’s going through ptsd episodes. i’m pretty sure he has both ptsd and c-ptsd, and to top that off, personality disorders, and mood disorders, soooo…
last but not least, and this one is purely self-indulgent on my end, he is a serial spender for his engel. dude makes an absurd amount of money for what does, and has no reason to use it… until engel walked into the picture. even since then, könig will buy anything for engel and help her splurge to keep her happy, comfortable, and away from society. this man will get her all the material items that she wants, clothes, a big new house, lots of land, entertainment, all the foods that she wants. want a dog and/or cat? sure! he’ll even supply her with weed if she’s that type of girl, but anything to keep her sane and occupied, he is willing to buy, just nothing too illegal, and definitely no vacation spots, dude is way too paranoid to travel and is not willing to risk it.
IM AM SO SORRY THAT THIS WAS SO LONG 😭😭
These were just pure gold, *chef’s kiss* exquisite!! Every single sentence is perfection. So well thought out, and so well put! I don't even have the words to express how incredible this is (and I call myself a writer lol). Seriously, thank you again!! 💖
Also I want to participate (teacher teacher lemme participate please) by adding a few things:
The first one I wholly agree with, but I also believe König might have a little teeny tiny kink for watching how his innocent Engel brushes her fingertips down the barrel of his huge shotgun or holds one of his biggest knives in her *cute* little hands... The contrast between a woman’s softness and a massive, cold, brutal weapon drives this man crazy.
To indulge in his dark fantasies, he might allow Engel to come to the range with him once or twice. I imagine König getting off on showing a “fragile woman” how to handle and shoot a rifle 🙄 He thinks it’s both horrifying and drugging to see how her smaller body tries to absorb the recoil from his guns. Soon enough he’s like “Ok that’s enough” but not before he has enjoyed that peculiar scene a while longer.
And the fourth oh god. Gave me butterflies. He's shameless. I just know that König sleeps naked. Guy associates nighttime with masturbation – and nowadays, sex with his Engel – so off with his clothes, and off with hers, too. König also gives me semi-somno vibes: he would try to wake Engel up with his dick if he can't sleep. (Give me attention and love and provide me with a distraction from my anxiety! Now...!)
The sixth: yes, I don’t see things getting any "better" as in them suddenly calming the fuck down and learning healthy ways to live and love. They are too enamored with their dark side and as you said, I don't know if Engel would be that fascinated with König if he suddenly developed a conscience and healthy ways to cope with his trauma(s). Their escapades resemble a shared psychosis sometimes, but with time and patience this couple will perhaps find true love and relief together – something bigger and better, a way out of the spiral. They learn to dance on the knife’s edge, so to say. They might even start to behave 🩷
And the last one: YES he would spoil her to bits! One of the reasons for this is that König feels guilty. He doesn't know how to show love and devotion through emotional intimacy so he will try to show it through spending money on her. So yes to all of this.
I see Engel wishing for a pet to keep her company while he's away on longer missions. And König is so thick-skulled he wouldn't even bother to ask what type of pet she wants or if she has allergies, he just shows up with a cat one day like: "Hier. I brought this to you. Do you like my gift? I will bring you a different pet if you don't like this one. 🤨"
(And omg the image of Engel smoking a fat one or using a cute little bong on their porch, perhaps chilling out with that cat and giggling when König comes home... ^^)
Thank you so much for bringing these to us! Tbh I never wanted this essay to end 🩷😭 You're amazing I hope you know that!!
#answered#könig headcanons#yandere könig#toxic könig#i loved this#best essay ever#university levels of headcanon#toxic könig institute#❤️❤️❤️
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Another entry. Firstly, Still With Me? Did JK release a new song that I didn’t know about? Secondly, I would rather speculate that a song is about someone then a hand gesture that a lot of people do.
I saw them coming at us for paying attention to numbers and 11/08 even though that's way more real than whatever tf this is. Like... aren't they embarrassed????
Anyway guys, I have an announcement to make.
Attention please!
Thank u ☺☺
Okay so I've been getting alot of frustrated asks mad at tkkrs and antis on twitter, right? Unfortunately I tend not to post them because I don't wanna bring too much negativity on this blog. Especially when some of those things are vile AF. Anyway, the point of this post is, My friends and I are in a Jikook discord and a few of us do this thing on twitter where we fight antis and shit especially when they come to Jikook spaces.
As we know recently a big Jikook account with 15k followers was attacked the other day for liking a post from an anti. But she had no idea that person was one. She just liked the post coz it was Jikook related. It's an easy mistake to make, really. She tried apologising and explaining she'd blocked the anti but these assholes didn't listen. They went though her profile and started commenting under all her regular, normal tweets that she was an anti and should be ashamed of herself or whatever. They were determined to give her no peace whatsoever.
When called out themselves, one account shamelessly said that they were antis and proud. That they didn't pretend that they don't hate Jimin. This really made me mad. It's not the first time they've been quite proud of the Jimin hate they partake in. Tkk accounts will gets thousand of likes on a post hating on Jimin and this ain't right. An anon sent in an ask venting about us being cowards and I agree. They attack Jikookers and these jkkrs end up deleting their Jikook posts. THIS SHIT AIN'T RIGHT!!! Its not.
They do this thing where they move in balk. My friends and I tried to back this account up. Encouraged her not to let them get to her. But it dont matter that 5 people are on your side if 30 people are telling you to kill yourself its just... /sigh/
This account is still running. But they had to unfollow everyone they follow and start from scratch. This ain't right guys. Its just not fair no matter how u look at it. I think we need to start giving tkkrs the same energy they give us.
Simply ignoring them is NOT working. We don't go to them, they come to us. I think its time Jikookers fought fire with fire. Which is why I'm making this post. A few of us had the idea to create a Jikook fighting discord.
If you are reading this and are tired of taking shit lying down. If you have wanted to fight these people but you were worried that you are just one person and won't make a difference. If you see the Jimin hate and wish there was something you could do about it, I come with an offer. Fuck tkkrs. Fuck antis. Fuck solos and fuck ot7 accounts that call out the vermin but then delete their tweets when they start to loose followers. Fuck all these people. Lets do something about this, ourselves.
Tkkrs are the ones causing chain reactions. If they didn't attack Jimin, Jimin solos wouldn't attack V and JK. (Yesterday I saw an art of JK with a dirty diaper and I just...🤮) If they shipped in peace and didn't attack Jimin literally all this shit wouldn't be happening.
I say we give them a taste of their own medicine. So if you see this post and you agree that enough is enough, then come join us here.
If you can't join then spread the word. Time to defend Kookmin and Koominers. Fuck this shit. The vermin have ran rampant for long enough. Photoshopping Jimin getting blown by band pd wasn't enough. Now they're editing him into porn. Guys, they've go10 too comfortable. Let's do something!
1) Create a separate twitter account before you join us. Safer not to use your main
2) ONLY Jikookers allowed in this discord. If you are not one of us we will know.
See you soon. I hope some of you consider. This shit has to stop. Kookminers assemble!!
Bless 💜
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I remember people said the scene in Transmission, where Ladynoir renounce their Miraculous and "seemingly" not thinking about each other are mean to be a plot hole, not character inconsistency.
Bt for me, if the character NOT even make a slight uncomfort gesture/expression when they see Scarabella and Black Minette out there instead of their team mate, then it's not a plot hole, it's character inconsistency.
"Plot hole" excuse only work if Adrinette make any comment/looks surprised/make any reaction upon seeing the new duo but the aired time won't let the show do more than that. But the show doesn't let them react negatively which resulting people interpret it as "Yeah I don't care about my team mate, I already got my gf/bf anyway" which is not plot hole at all.
It's 100% character inconsistency. Plot holes are when the plot is wonky, and some logic doesn't logic. When a character acts OOC, it is character inconsistency. Adrien and Marinette have both become wildly OOC since the second Adrienette became canon on this show. They don't care about superheroing anymore, they don't care about each other as Ladybug and Chat Noir anymore. Outside of like, one line about "I hope Ladybug/Chat Noir are okay" (which is quickly overshadowed by some Adrienette, cause we sure do need more of that when we're talking about the late Ladynoir), they just don't give a fuck.
Actually, this isn't even character inconsistency anymore, this is a whole character overhaul a la whatever happened to Felix Fathom. Cause Adrienette only works if you change significant aspects of their characters. What about Chat Noir meaning freedom and a means of escape for Adrien, what about Ladybug being the narrative opposite of his abusive father who gives him unconditional love and acceptance? Fuck that, what he really needs is to start centering his identity around his classmate (with whom he isn't even that close because she thinks he's perfect) and defining himself based on her needs. And what of Chat Noir being the only one who can understand Marinette's struggles? Chat Noir being her special partner whom she can always lean on? Nah, fuck that shit lmao, here's Marinette trying to tell Adrien something he already knows and Marinette trying to hold Adrien's hand even though she's done that before without a problem!
Anyway, like I was saying, they had to change their characters up so that Adrienette could make sense, because it sure wouldn't make sense if it became canon in the show that devoted the bulk of its development to Ladynoir, now would it? So that's why we get episodes like Determination, where Adrien is suddenly head over heels for Marinette out of fucking nowhere, right after the Jubilation dream sequence where they had those cabbage patch kids, and Ladybug initiated a kiss even though they realized this was a dream, and they were clearly having some complicated feelings about the whole thing at the end of the episode. Cause fuck Ladynoir, amirite? Like, why would we waste time on the relationship we spent 5 seasons developing when we could focus on some cookie cutter high school romance with retcons galore and multiple, I tell you, multiple scenes featuring Marinette suddenly having the inability to do things she's done before with no problem, and apparently, it's all Chloe's fault, like what a fucking shocker, who could have seen that coming.
And lets not get into the actual plot holes in Transmission too, cause those also exist? How does Adrien Agreste know and proudly state Scarabella's name when no civilian knows she exists? How does this not make Marinette question why he knows? Why does Marinette expect that someone else becoming Ladybug means she's free when she's still the Guardian? Make it make sense, please.
Anyway, that's all I got. I'm sorry for using your ask as a venting post, anon. I just rewatched Gamer today, and god, Adrienette are so cute and adorable in Season 1. Like, they actually have chemistry and fun interactions and it's the lucky charm debut episode! I will never forgive this show for taking that Adrienette away from me and replacing it with... whatever Season 5 coughed up.
Thank you for your ask!
#ML Salt#ML Writing Salt#ML Writers Salt#Marinette Salt#Ladybug Salt#Not really but tagging to be safe#Adrienette salt#Asks#Meta#My meta
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Diary Entry #1:
Okay... I think I have to vent about some of these things, I can't focus I need to get all of this off my mind.
Starting with that...
Spiral has been getting very defensive lately, every time someone from our school says anything remotely negative about Skeebo, he gets so frustrated that sometimes it's hard not to speak back at the student for using a foul mouth.
He keeps his usual joking and goofy mood, being optimistic in hard times, but he's also been growing more serious when others are included in our dangerous missions or when people are getting misunderstood due to hurtful stereotypes.
I don't know why he's acting this way, last week, he got into a fist fight with another boy because they were saying hurtful things like Skeebo "deserved" his death. When they both got sent to the office, everyone was saying that the kid needed to get pounded on after that. All of this new stress towards everyone just got worse, and Pac and Spiral got the worst of it, I hope nothing else gets affected.
Oh! I almost forgot another thing, ever since his death, the ghosts started dying down on their attacks, a lot of them were more anxious when coming to Pac World. At some point President Spheros asked us to investigate with the Ghost Gang to see what the fuss was, even if the guys were about to protest against it.
And guess what we found? The entire Netherworld started acting like everyone in the city, everyone was anxious and stayed next to each other in groups. Half of Betrayus's guard ghosts were even at that guy Ogle's place! Turns out Betrayus's evil team started getting emotional during the news of Skeebo's execution, I think him, Specter, and Buttocks were the ones more ballistic. That was why the ghost attacks were dying down, they were all very sensitive to the President's decisions and execution was just a topic they despised for him to do.
I know I'm probably complaining of how things have been recently, but we're still hurting at the end of the day. Pac hasn't been eating well, his sleeping issues just worsened, and he's getting so sensitive now, I can't bear to look at him when he's like this, he looks like he'll break any second.. When Skeebo was killed, I couldn't just stand to look at his face when he heard the news, it was like something shattered in him.
School is close to ending for the year, and every time we have our days off Pac stays in the dorm asleep or sulking in his bed. His eyes just grew bags and red from all the crying, and it gets even sadder. Somehow, after the execution they were able to save Skeebo's jacket, a few tears here and there, but I was able to sew it up. Skeebo's friends let Pac keep it, and he wears his jacket everyday at every place he goes, even during our battles.
... I can't help but tear up reading this, like sure okay Skeebo was a jerk, he had his days, but when I found out he got executed by our government I started having second thoughts on the way he's been acting.
Surely he had a reason to spy against us... Right?? I mean, I know his stepmom, I've met her before (and I regret it cause she was such a prick) and I knew Kiki a bit. I knew she transferred to our school after Berry Day, and I found out she moved just to see Skeebo again because they were best friends. But I don't know what his reason would be... Have people been too harsh on him? Was it Betrayus working him off? Was it us? Was it me...?
I don't know what I should be feeling.. I feel so terrible! I hope wherever he is, he's doing better now... There has to be a way to get things back to the way they were, I don't think a lot of us can live with this change forever..
Anyways, that's what I'm going to leave with for now, things will get better soon I'm sure, we just all have to try.
-Cylindria
#pmatga#pmatga au#pac man#pac man and the ghostly adventures#original au#blinded au#cylindria#diary entry
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ahh okay, so for the obligatory OTP asks- 1, 4, or 6?
1. Who would end a heated argument by defending their actions with ‘because I love you!’ ?
This is hard because they both would have moments where they do this.
Duncan would say it while Courtney is in mid argument. She’d be furious and yelling about how he cannot just get into physical altercations with people who say something negative about her. Maybe it’s when she’s bailing him out one night, he’s all bruised up (but you should see the other guy). Anyway, she’s going on and on and Duncan just yells, “Because I love you!” She taken aback because nobody’s ever just blurted that out to her before.
Now Courtney? I feel as though she thinks she’s doing Duncan a favor. Maybe getting him an interview, into a renowned class/internship, just something super big and high class. He comes back from his first day completely pissed, saying how everyone is judging him and whatnot. So Courtney goes and flips shit, which inevitably embarrasses him because he never said he needed something to be done (he was just venting). So now he and Courtney are arguing about it and he’s all like, “Why would you humiliate me like that?! You think I can’t handle shit on my own?!” Courtney doesn’t know how to react, she’s shocked he’s so upset when she was just trying to help. So she’s thinking about why she did that, knowing very well Duncan doesn’t care about things like that anyway. She realizes why, because she loves him. So she just tells him and he’s just staring at her in shock that she just admitted something so big, but he can’t be mad anymore because he loves her too.
4. Which one is more protective? Who needs to be ‘protected’?
I know everyone would say Duncan is more protective, which is valid, but let’s go the other direction. Nobody gives Courtney enough credit with how headstrong she is, especially when it comes to Duncan. Let’s not forget she wasn’t scared to shut Alejandro up when he tried talking shit about Duncan (before the shitshow).
Anyway, this type of protection isn’t the physical kind. I want to talk about emotional protection. Let’s paint the scene; Courtney is having a conversation with her coworkers. She’s at a conference and Duncan is her plus one. Nobody knows it though, as Courtney is very private about her love life. We all know how Duncan is too, probably with a blazer and jeans. So with this information…
The coworkers are talking mad shit about him. Courtney overhears and instead of causing a scene she basically gives them all a lesson on how to be decent human beings, and not judge a book by its cover. She never once says Duncan is with her, but she walks up to him and tells him she’s ready to leave. Duncan of course doesn’t complain, but asks her if everything okay since it’s still very early. Courtney says it’s fine and that she’d rather spend her day with him anyway. They leave happily. All her coworkers see them, all shocked and embarrassed that they openly disrespected him in front of Courtney.
6. Who would beg the other not to leave? Who has to leave to protect the other?
Let’s add some angst to these 👍🏼
Courtney is going to beg Duncan not to leave. She never begs, but she can’t see herself happy with anyone else. He’s her person, she’s in love with him. Duncan, of course, does not want to leave. He’s been thinking about this for a long time, fighting with himself about what’s best for her. The ultimate answer is to let her go. She has so many dreams and aspirations, and he thinks he’ll be holding her back. He knows his track record will eventually cause issues, and he would hate to be the reason she steps down from anything she’s been working so hard for. So for her own good (so he thinks), he leaves. (Again, protecting in another sense, not like physically.)
Thanks for the ask! ✨
#total drama#duncney#td courtney#td duncan#total drama courtney#total drama duncan#otp asks#otp games
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I'm sorry that i make coven blog some exchange of messages with others but i don't want to talk via messages with anyone, including coven because I had very bad experience with it plus everyone would attack me then. So that's why I use this method here sending anon replies. I agree with you too, anon. I guess that when my opinion wasn't loaded with negative emotions, especially about JK, more people would understand and reply this way before. But I'm only human with emotions that got the best of me. But just like you said. It's exactly this way. I treat coven as confidant who's in this topic and knows about this general obession over JK between fans so that's why it's a relief to spill the tea. But people act offended like it was about them. Maybe it is. But generally many Army's react this way. Idk maybe they don't fight back in rl and that's why they look for fights online. I already said it's some projection from their side. I also fought with others online when I had stesssful day but now i try not to do this. You're right. I've been fucking fighting for four years to not to think about JK. I used to think it's being in love but it's just attraction and fascination that is difficult to get rid of. Sounds like karmic lesson. So imagine how annoying it is when after seeing only one shit on Tumblr like gifset, he haunts my thought for hours. I actually felt happy when I saw him on vlive, especially with Bam so it's good but I'd like to not to think about it later. Like really, not think about him that often and randomly. Maybe avoiding everything related to him would be good but I get recommendations and he's really everywhere so I'd need to delete all of my social medias then. But I guess there would be some hot topic on Tumblr one day or elsewhere and I'd randomly saw him anyway. I guess it will pass but it just takes long. I'm sure it's some karmic lesson and i still need to learn something. I hope that I'll meet my spouse soon. I'm curious if he's my type. I'm a bit worried because my 7th house in vedic is ruled by Mars and astrologers say it symbolizes domineering, agressive, sporty, competetive spouse. If someone who knows astrology well, could tell me something more about this placement, I'd be grateful.
I get that you're very hurt. And it's okay to like a celebrity like JK. He represents alot of things at the same time. He is one of a very few number of people who backs up being this popular. Talent, looks and a lot of things in one. He is very easy to admire.
Anon, I know how bad it feels when people who are supposed to be your strength end up being the exact opposite and that's why I think people should calm down. At the end of a shitty day all you perhaps want is someone who shares a little bit of sympathy and not just be in an attack mode. So whenever you are deeply sad you vent out by saying stuff about him because you know that it won't affect him. By your posts I know that you know that you don't see him in your life and that's also proof that you are not delusional.
Don't mind me saying this but I think you feel good when all his fans attack you so that you have somebody to say things to. By this kind of fight you can say things that perhaps you won't in real life to the people you have real problems with.
Coven is cute that way. She gets the gossip for the blog and still she protects you because she knows what you feel and it's a win for you both.
Your crush and obsession is not really that. It's just that you don't like that people like him have the scope and opportunity to do things that their heart desires whereas someone like you has to fight for the smallest things.
I don't hate your messages and you don't have to apologize for this behavior because we all lose it sometimes but we are all not surrounded by people who won't judge us like that or admire us deeply for being soft and vulnerable.
.
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I saw you mentioning that you are making Arcane DR script in one of your posts. I was wondering if you would be comfortable to share a bit about your script. That is if you're okay with that.
A second thing I wanted to ask is how you deal with the possible consequences and outcomes of altering canon events or timeline, and them having the potential to hurt and negatively impact the people around you.
A very personal example here, I'm also planning to shift to Arcane and I scripted out the explosion that killed Vander, Mylo and Claggor and lead to Powder being taken in by Silco. Keeping Vander alive will probably result in him still being the leader of the Lanes. And as much as I admire Vander, I have to admit his unwillingness to take more direct and violent approach against the Piltover's opression of Zaun, caused by him witnessing the bloody realities of fighting for freedom and it's cost in blood and innocent lives, will almost certainly harm the Undercity in the long run.
Also in my DR the Shimmer does not end up flooding the Undercity with drug addiction, which while that change saves many lives from being destroyed, it takes away the chance to save many others with Shimmer's medicinal benefits or the means it gives the people to protect themselves.
In my DR, Vander is very much a father figure and adoptive father to me, which results in my conflicting emotions. On one hand, I don't want any harm falling upon my found family, but on the other hand I don't want my need for comfort to become the cause of doom of people of Zaun.
Anyways, I'm ending this here cuz it's getting too personal. Sorry for venting and eventual spam it caused. Also sorry if my rambling doesn't make any sense.
[thanks for this ask!]
first off, i just want to say that the rambling didn't feel like rambling at all, so no harm done ((:
as for your question; there are two ways that i usually do whenever things get butterflied away. the first is to do active scripting, and the second is to rationalise with myself. I'll explain this a bit.
≿❈≾
(1) active scripting
it is as the title of the action suggests. shifting is a limitless concept, meaning, anything that you want to happen, no matter how inconsequential or nonsensical it may seem, will happen if you decided to make it so. you don't need to worry about upsetting the 'balance of the universe' (or whatever it's called), because the universe will right itself on its own. that is not your responsibility. actively scripting things in or out for your DR doesn't necessarily mean they will stay that way forever, because again, you have the option to change their outcomes. if you feel as if what you're doing will yield negative results, then you can go even farther and script something to counterbalance that. it's not a cycle of certainty, because every action and event is spontaneous.
as an example: the explosion. like you've already pointed out, if it doesn't happen, it would likely lead to vander staying the leader of the place. however, it's important to note that this was a pivotal moment in the story. you can leave it as is, but plot-wise, it creates a vaccum of sorts: what event takes place, if not the explosion? otherwise, nothing else would change. unless you could think of other possibilities (such as: ways the enforcers go about their investigation with the incident, the kirammans deciding not to take action in the end, jayce's explusion + vi's arrest going differently, etc.), i can't think of any other way things progress if the explosion/s never happened.
in the other event that vander and co. do stick together, though; how would you plan to make him change as a person? vander's unwillingness for further action would lead to the undercity stagnating even more. so, you have the option of scripting something in. that's one of the major reasons why reality shifting is such a big deal. you can change outcomes. just to quote this reddit user from a thread with a similar topic; vander and silco's conflict is a classic case of the 'does the end justify the means or do the means justify the end' argument. but that doesn't mean you have to strictly follow either, in this case. you can compromise. you can even alter it entirely. vander and silco's approaches leadership both have merit, but you can still counterbalance them.
- - -
(2) rationalising
I'm going to admit that i initially began shifting just for the hell of it, simply for experiencing other worlds. more often than not, i do it just to see and live through what my favourite characters do. often times, it can be boring, unexpected, perhaps even disenchanting. the reason i continue shifting is because I've grown attached, and because, admittedly, i don't want my happiness and experience(s) to end. i can get very...well, selfish. most of the things that i do and want in my DR's are born out of my own greed and need for validation. as long as I'm not actively harming anything or anyone, I'm able to come to terms with myself.
that's not to say the experience would be the same for others. my way of rationalising with the things i deal with is different from most people's, not to mention a tad bit too hedonistic. that's how i cope with the ability and knowledge i have. omniscient does not equate wise. i deal with consequences in my DR's the way i do my own CR—spontaneously, and all along the way. i don't want to continue being stuck in the past nor do i want to hope for the future too much, even in any other reality. i can make conditions (again, scripting) to make my life easier, but otherwise, i always try to savour the present. if it happens, it happens, and if i don't like it, then the option of rescripting is present.
this is also different from the existential crisis that is infinite realities. there will always be a world where everything is much worse than the worst you can imagine. there is an undercity where the explosion happens but the parties involved live, there is an undercity where ekko never founds the firelights, there is a piltover where hextech never comes to be, there is a piltover where viktor never works under heimerdinger. still, the one thing you can do is to script. and shift.
≿❈≾
as for my script...well. ok. i will admit that, to start, know that there is no script at the moment 😭😭 lmao it's really just this:
it's not detailed as of yet—I'm actually planning to wait for season 2 to be released/finished for the sake of further context. however, i do have some ideas on how to approach this script. the previous post i made about shifting to arcane (i assume you meant the one where i mentioned firearms and explosives) was mostly for familiarising myself a bit with the enforcers' weapons, as well as try to understand jinx's skills as a fighter.
i scripted to be viktor's sister here, and while we both run vastly different jobs in zaun/piltover, i made it that we have a relationship of equals as siblings. it's...well, I'm essentially a whore in this DR (crass, but you get the point), and I'm shifting to the time when viktor's still an assistant to heimerdinger. if nothing else, i actually do want to research some things in this DR. it's a passing interest, but i want to see how healthcare operates here, especially during the period of time where viktor's illness affected the better of him. I'm also planning to combine lol!vik and arc!vik [dunno how I'm going to, but I'll figure it out].
#shifting#shifting realities#desired reality#reality shifting#shift#shifting shenanigans#shifting to arcane#shifting to league of legends#shifting to LoL#arcane#league of legends
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this is a... one part wishlist and headcanon post, one part personal vent under the cut.
( tw for disordered eating )
wishlist thing! i’ve talked about it before, but. moving in together and specifically doing things together that would’ve been done alone before. like cooking. morse cannot cook to save his life. he’s terrible at it, mostly because when he lives alone, he doesn’t care enough to put any effort into cooking for himself. food is a chore and he has a rocky relationship with eating regularly anyway. when he lives with someone else, though, he may be more inclined to try to cook for their sake, if he thinks that’s what they want from him. this is where they will discover he just doesn’t know what to do. he’ll cook like..... a plate of pasta. as a meal. nothing else. he needs some lessons.
if he moves in with someone with a particularly different work schedule to him, they might end up not cooking together and just sorting their own meals, which is infinitely more likely to lead to morse’s eating behaviour being more problematic. just like when he lives alone, he’ll put very little effort into cooking for himself. but this time, there’s an added problem ( and it has its roots in his childhood trauma which is a whole different post that i think i’ve made before ) because he will feel compelled to not ‘waste’ the food they have in their shared home on himself.
this leads to several possibilities depending on the other person. a) the other person isn’t suspicious to start with so it isn’t very noticeable because morse believes this is normal behaviour and simply won’t mention it, will just say ‘yeah i’ve eaten already’ even if what he ate does not constitute a meal. b) the other person is suspicious from the start and notices that the food they have in the house never seems to be used up very much except by them. c) their schedules are uneven and unpredictable so they may come home and witness morse eating an ‘evening meal’ ( it’s probably like... a sandwich. ) OR they’re home first so morse has to squirm his way out of being offered their food or having to make something for himself in front of them.
the bottom line is,, imagine you move in with someone. and he genuinely believes that the correct thing for him to do is to NOT use up any of the SHARED household food. he’s really out here believing his role as a member of a shared house is to provide money and be otherwise relatively invisible, except in very deliberate ways ( the music. )
anyway SO the wishlist thing is to explore some of that.
okay now personal vent which is somewhat related. ( tw for general personal negativity and some things that the situation isn’t, but may be reminiscent of: emotional abuse, impact of abuse, neglect. )
you all already know i just moved into a new flat. and the whole.... having to get used to living with a new person thing is what inspired this post. some of you also probably know i previously did not live in a good situation.
and it is... having more of a long lasting impact on me than i expected. it’s honestly quite upsetting. i want to intellectualise my way out of it and that’s... just not how it works.
i keep flinching at the sound of doors opening. and not just a little bit, it’s like... a full body violent flinch. and i have no good reason to react that way. i pause my music when my new flatmate is moving around the flat so that i can listen for the different sounds of the doors and work out where in the flat she is. it’s so automatic for me to pay attention to that and i don’t want to anymore. i don’t need to know where she is. it’s not unsafe for me to not know where she is. i know this and yet. i can’t stop. i know these things take time and i will be okay, it just... makes me sad sometimes.
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Banging my head against the wall, flinging things out of the window, and screaming into the void and hoping it yells back at me to shut up because I am so unbelievably frustrated! Sorry I have to vent-is it okay if I vent here? About a month ago, my friend and I were talking about age gaps in relationships and she was like “well, me and ‘s’ had a big age gap and it was wrong and no one stopped/ protected me.”
So I’m like ????? Girl what? “S was only a few years older than us and you were like 19/20 when you started dating. That’s not a huge gap.“
And she’s like “no he was almost five years older than me.”
So I looked at her and was like…girl no he was not. But also fine who am I to argue about his age. Maybe he was. I let it go because she was getting teary eyed about it, and I wasn’t going to push it because I remembered she told me he was horrible to her anyway and I didn’t want to dredge that up again.
But I’m FURIOUS because now she sends me a screenshot of a recent convo with ‘s’ and I’m like??????? Girl wtf? “When did you start talking to him?” And she’s like “a few months ago.”
And I’m just!!!!! “Why are you talking to him? You said he was horrible, you insinuated multiple horrible things that happened with him and that your age gap was a problem. So???”
And she’s just like “idk”
I am. I am. OUTDONE. Maybe I shouldn’t care but like I dealt with the drama behind him and put up with her and him and their shit and I’m just over it.
Oh geez that's definitely a lot 😭😭😭
Your friend kinda sounds like someone who wants romantic attention and doesn't really care who gives it to her, even if they're horrible to her, there's a lot of people like that who have the insecurity that no one will want them and when someone does they think it's a miracle and so they'll do anything they can to keep the other person's attention even when the attention is harmful
Of course, she could also just be a drama sponge so like what do I know 😭
If you're looking for advice here I'd say just tell her to block him or stop talking to him and make it very clear that you are being the person warning her away from this guy this time around and then just let her do what she's gonna do, if she doesn't listen to you that's on her and what happens next is not on you
It's wicked frustrating to have to just say your piece and then take a step back, but that's kinda what you gotta do here 😬😭
You could also tell her that you dealt with the drama last time and if she goes ahead and ignores every red flag and gets back with him that you're not interested in dealing with drama this time around and that anytime she comes to you with it your response will always be to dump him 😂😂 but idk if that'll go over well with a girl like that 😭
In the end, whatever she does isn't on you, and if she's repeatedly falling into this kind of behavior and it's having a negative impact on your life then you might have to make the choice to step away from that friendship, but that's definitely the nuclear option
I hope youre not stressing yourself too much over this and that venting to me helped a little 😂 💕 come back anytime you need 😁
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Adalyn Stehle's In-Game Dialogue
Based around the idea that @shadowqueen402 had for the characters to have ACTUAL in-game dialogue. I may do more for some of my other Balan Wonderworld OCs in the future.
*In the opening of her story* Dad said he'd be here... He promised he would watch me sing this time... Did he lie? Or did he pretend to forget like always?
*In her ending* He made it! And he's wearing one of my shirts! *Feels Balan tap her shoulder and sign to her* Alright. It's showtime!
*In her secret ending* You actually made it! I was so scared you didn't!
*Hears her father tell her that traffic just held him up* You could've just walked you know. It's probably a bit safer anyway.
*Hears her manager call for her for autograph signing* Sorry, Dad. I got to do a few autographs. Once I'm done, I'll call you and we can spend the rest of the night around the WHF okay?
*Hears her father say alright and that he's proud of her as he walks away. Once he leaves, she sighs and says to herself* Balan... Lance... Hope you two are doing okay... And thanks for helping me...
*In the bad ending* Sorry Dad... Looks like... You're losing... Me... Too...
*If the player chooses to play as her* Showtime, baby!
*If she sees Leo/Emma wear her default outfit* Wow... You actually don't look that bad.
*upon having her outfit changed* This is actually kind of cute!
*if Negati appear in front of her* Talk about unwanted attention!
*to the Tims* Dawww! You're so cute! No wonder Balan loves you guys.
*upon wearing her representative costume* I feel a lot happier than before!
*Upon being defeated* AAAHHHHH!
*collecting items* This should help in the long run.
*if the player goes near her illusion* Keep going! Don't let anybody stop you!
*If the player is near her illusion and Negati appear* Watch out for those things!
*If the player gets lost* Exit's that way. *Points in said direction*
*If the player puts on her Representative Costume* You look just as cute as me now!
*After being saved* I can actually talk again! Thank you so much for helping me out!
*Adalyn turns slightly sad* I honestly don't know what happened back there. Last thing I remember was looking into the crowd to see if Dad was in there. Next thing I know, it felt like my voice was getting torn out of my throat and I couldn't sing anymore. I kept thinking he didn't care about me after all.
*If the player gives a positive response* Thanks. Guess I really needed to hear that. You know... you remind me of my Mom. She always knew how to get me out of the "Bad Space" that is my head.
*If the player gives a negative response* Dude... I just vented my trauma to you and that's what you got to say? You lucky I don't believe in physical violence.
*If the player gives a neutral response* Thanks for letting me vent, I guess. It felt nice being able to talk like that for once.
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this is a vent post.
spends my friday night crying because my mother caused me another anxiety attack. that in the end amounted to nothing bcus later she explained i didnt really have anything to worry about.
my life is a comedy. a comedy. a comedy. at my expense.
why cry. it didnt matter. I still feel hurt and stupid.
why am i the one always getting hurt.
and no one cares. IT’S FINE! WE HAVE TALKED ABOUT THIS! IT’S FINE IF NO ONE CARES, YOU’RE NOT THE CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE AND HEY??? GUESS WHAT??? OTHER PEOPLE ARE CRYING AND FEELING BAD ALL THE TIME???
WOULD YOU??? WANT TO COMFORT THEM??? ALL THE TIME??? IS THAT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY???
no
then don’t come crying when you get the same treatment you give others.
if you’re allowed not to care then guess what asshole! others don’t have to care about you either! FAIR AND SQUARE! YOU’RE NOT THE PROTAGONIST OF THE WORLD, only your life
how do you want to live it then?
without pain, mostly.
i’m sorry that can’t be done.
But the thing that scared you passed. It’s okay. We’ll be alright. You freaked out and cried, and that’s okay.
You have a party tomorrow! Isn’t that fun? You will have fun. being awkward and trying to fit in a friend group that doesn’t like you.
what? what? just talking out loud and being honest.
being honest doesn’t mean lying to yourself.
sorry.
but we’re right? right?
we have nothing to talk about.
we’re boring.
i don’t want to compete with beautiful people, that’s something i’m not interested in.
I won’t win.
Are you done? Being negative?
Maybe. I’m still a bit scared.
Being mean makes you feel like a big powerful man in control?
Not really, not at all. I guess it does help venting ugly thoughts I know I shouldn’t have and yet. I know. I know they might be true. And it’s horrible. Scary. Bad.
We’re not really a person anyway.
I’m a person! And I’m deserving of respect and love! Shut up! No one gets to be mean to myself! Hedonism!!! Hedonism!!! I want to live a life worth living!!!
I like to write like this. Everything horrible stays on the page. And it leaves my heart.
I want to sleep hugging my plushies. It feels really nice to hold onto them.
I miss my cats. I miss them so much.
One day I’ll have them by my side again.
Snaily of the future, sorry for being a mess. But I love you, and I’ll always love you. I guess it’s routine for me to say this to you, but I’m worried you don’t hear it enough from me. Because these are my true feelings. I do love you, that’s why I worry about you all the time.
I want you to have a good future. Somehow, I’ll give you that.
Because it is what you deserve. A life worth living.
I love you, please have dinner, and sleep well.
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inspirational ~ corpse husband
word count: 1589
request?: yes!
“Hi! I was wondering if you could do a corpse husband imagine where the reader has a feeding tube? If you can’t that’s perfectly fine, I just haven’t been able to find one yet.”
description: in which the group plays with a popular streamer that has a feeding tube and corpse tells her how much she inspires him
pairing: corpse x female!reader
warnings: swearing, mentions of chronic pain and cancer, also i only know a little bit about feedings tubes, i tried to do research in order to make myself more familiar but if there’s a lot of inaccuracies or anything i am very sorry i’m gonna try my best
masterlist (one, two)
Corpse listened to his friends shouting at one another to accuse each other of being sus. As usual, there was no use in trying to get a word in. Corpse spoke so softly that no one would even hear him unless they wanted to hear what he was saying.
“(Y/N)!” Toast suddenly exclaimed. “You’re being very quiet right now.”
“Because my damn tube is mixed up in my headphone wires!” (Y/N) exclaimed, sounding like she was far away from her mic. The group chuckled and continued with their conversation about who they thought the imposter was.
(Y/N) was a known Twitch streamer and YouTuber that rose to popularity when she started a series on her YouTube channel to show her journey through cancer treatments. Long before his own sudden boom in popularity, Corpse had watched all of her videos and became invested in her Twitch streams as well. Being someone who also struggled with chronic illness and pain, Corpse felt a sense of hope watching (Y/N) go through her treatment and still seem to optimistic in life and so productive in her YouTube and Twitch channels.
When Toast messaged the Amigops group to ask if anyone wanted to join his Among Us lobby with (Y/N), Corpse jumped at the chance. He hadn’t had much time to speak with her alone, but he was hoping to be able to tell her how much watching her content lifted him up during his worst times.
The meeting ended with no one being voted and brought them back to the office of the Polus map. Since they were playing with proximity chat, the argument from the meeting immediately continued with Rae and Toast warning everyone to stay away from Sean, who they were susing at the second imposter after already voting out Charlie.
Corpse watched (Y/N)’s pink astronaut run out of the office, silent amongst the chaos. He waited a moment before deciding to follow her, hoping he could meet her somewhere alone so he could talk to her.
He ran into O2 and noticed a pink bean in the boiler room stood by the water wheels. He ran in and stood in the doorway a moment before speaking.
“Hello (Y/N).”
“Ah fuck!” (Y/N) exclaimed. “Corpse! Don’t scare me like that!”
Corpse chuckled. “Sorry, I’ll warn you next time.”
“Are you here to kill me?”
“Maybe.”
“I’m okay with that. I feel like being killed by Corpse Husband in Among Us is like a rite of passage at this point.”
Corpse slowly approached (Y/N) to which she quickly ran away from him to the other water wheel. He laughed again before assuring her, “I’m not an imposter, you can trust me.”
“I don’t think I can, but I will choose to trust,” she told him.
“I actually came looking for you because I wanted to talk to you.”
“What did you want to talk about?”
There were so many things running through Corpse’s mind. He just wanted to blurt out everything he had thought about (Y/N) and her story, to thank her for giving him hope, to tell her what an inspiration she was. But his words caught in his throat and he struggled to get anything out.
Finally, he said, “What’s it like trying to be a streamer with your...with the um...”
“The feeding tube?” (Y/N) finished for him. “You can say it, Corpse. It’s not exactly a secret.”
He sighed, glad that she had a joking tone about it. “Yeah, with the feeding tube.”
“It’s annoying,” (Y/N) admitted. “Like...I’m assuming you’ve seen my streams or my videos but for the sake of anyone watching your stream who hasn’t: I have a nasogastric feeding tube, or an NG-tube, which is a feeding tube that goes in through the nose. As cliché as it is, just picture Hazel Grace from the Fault in our Stars. Additional cliché, I have it because I had cancer and the treatments left me so malnourished that I need a feeding tube even after I’ve gone into remission. So, because it’s tubes that are connected in my nose, I keep getting my headphone wires tangled in my tube or, very rarely, my mic wires, and it’s fucking annoying. It hurts like a bitch when I go to stand up and I yank the wires by accident or something.”
“Does...does anything else hurt? Because of the cancer or the treatment or anything?”
“Not as much as it used to. I went into remission like nearly a year ago, so I’m doing better. It’s a process, but it’s had an amazing outcome in the end so I wouldn’t change a thing.”
“I find you really inspirational,” Corpse finally blurted.
He felt his face heat up with slight embarrassment as (Y/N) giggled. “You do?”
“Yeah. I followed your series about your recovery and I’ve watched some of your livestreams every now and then. What always stood out to me was when you talked about the negative side effects of your treatment, and eventually having to put the feeding tube in and how you’ve found that effects you, too. Being someone with chronic illness and constant pain, I’ve also had those days where it feels like even getting out of bed is too much work and I don’t feel like I can stream or make a video, but then my anxiety tells me that everyone is going to forget about me if I don’t make some type of content, so it’s just an internal struggle when really I should be resting.”
“Being a content creator and having an illness is tough,” (Y/N) agreed. “It feels like you can’t take a day off. I sometimes regret making that series because on days that I felt absolutely awful, I didn’t want to film or edit anything, but I felt like I had to because so many people were watching. Ironically enough, that became the topic of one of those videos; I just sat in front of my camera looking the worst I think I’ve ever looked on camera and talked about how exhausted I felt just from being alive, but felt like I couldn’t rest because of my channel. That’s when I started taking longer breaks between videos and streaming. Your fans won’t leave you, not the true fans anyways. They’ll always be by your side even if you decide to disappear from the Internet forever.”
Corpse half smiled to himself. “I’ve thought about doing that sometimes.”
“It’ll be easy for you to do that where you’re faceless. No one would bother you even after you left the Internet cause they’d have no idea it was you unless you spoke.”
A brief pause in their conversation caused them to hear Sean yelling as he ran past the room. (Y/N) giggled and walked out of the room. Corpse followed, hoping to continue the conversation somewhere else.
“It means a lot to me that you think that about me, though,” (Y/N) continued as she ran into the storage room. “I find you pretty inspirational too.”
This took Corpse by surprise. He didn’t know how to respond. Sure, he heard that all the time from his fans, and it always meant the world to him to know that people found him to be an inspiration, but it felt different to hear that from someone he had looked up to for so long.
“I wish I could’ve been a faceless creator like you,” she said when Corpse didn’t respond. “One of my biggest regrets is probably showing my face online. Although, it wouldn’t make sense for me not to show my face when I’m making a series about cancer treatment, but people can be mean. Even when someone is struggling with illness or a disease, the Internet doesn’t care. Whatever makes them feel better over someone else feeling like shit.”
“I still get a lot of hateful messages even though I’m faceless, though.”
“You do, but you’re so unbothered by it. Publicly anyways. When I get messages about how sickly I look I get so overwhelmed with sadness and I just wanna delete my channel forever. I can’t even fake not caring because it really does effect me.”
“Stick with me, I’ll teach you my ways. My favorite is trolling the troll.”
(Y/N) chuckled. “I’d like that a lot.”
Corpse watched (Y/N)’s pink bean approach his black one. “I’m glad we had this chat, Corpse. It made me really happy, but now it also makes doing this a lot harder.”
Corpse gasped as a kill animation popped up on the screen and (Y/N)’s astronaut quickly disappeared into the nearby vent. He was stunned into silence for a long time, just watching his ghost floating above his dead body. To make matters worse, (Y/N) had closed the door to storage so no one would find his body unless they had to go in there.
Charlie’s ghost floated through the walls and came to float next to Corpse’s. “Figured out Jack wasn’t the other imposter, huh?”
“Yeah,” Corpse said, laughing. “She really had me fooled. Buttered me up with compliments then killed me.”
“I taught her well,” Charlie comments before floating away again.
Corpse couldn’t help but laugh about the situation. He wasn’t mad, more impressed than anything. And he was a little happy; he got to talk to someone that had always been an inspiration to him and he made a new friend.
#corpse husband#corpse husband imagine#corpse husband x reader#corpse#corpse imagine#corpse x reader#imagine#one shot#request#fanfiction#fanfic#fandom
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How They Comfort Their S/o When They’re Upset || Midoriya, Bakugou, Kirishima, Todoroki, and Kaminari (Headcanons)
Masterlist 1 || Masterlist 2
↠Author’s Note: So, as some of you know from my post earlier tonight, I had a bad day, so I decided to write these headcanons! I’m probably not going to write any requests tonight (sorry <3), I just really don’t feel like it. But I hope you all have a great night! -Danielle <3
↠Characters: Izuku Midoriya, Katsuki Bakugou, Eijiro Kirishima, Shoto Todoroki, and Denki Kaminari x Reader
↠Summary: How they would comfort their s/o when they are upset/sad
↠Genre: Comfort/Fluff
↠Word Count: 1.1k
↠Warnings: None
↠Notes: None
Izuku Midoriya:
Whenever you’re upset, Izuku low-key panics because he’s worried about you, and he absolutely hates when you’re upset over something
Over the time he’s known you, he’s picked up on what you tend to do when you’re upset, even if you don’t actually state that you’re upset over something
So as soon as he notices that you’re upset, he’ll try his best not to further upset you (he’ll also make sure to keep people that might further upset you away too), and he’ll wait until you two can be alone before asking what’s bugging you
If you feel like talking about it, then he’ll listen carefully, being sure to not interrupt you and only talk when you ask for his opinion, and if you’d rather not talk about it, he might be a little upset because he wants to know what’s wrong so he can help you, but he won’t push you to talk about it if you don’t want to
Either way, afterwards he’ll let you get comfy in his bed (he gives you his fluffiest and biggest All Might blanket, along with one of his hoodies if you want), and then he’ll go grab whatever snacks you want, before going back to his room and cuddling with you while you either rant some more, or watch a movie together
Katsuki Bakugou:
It might not seem like it, but if you’re Bakugou’s s/o then he pays a lot of attention to you and your emotions, he doesn’t like seeing you try to hide them from people and just bottle them up
So, he’ll definitely notice that you’re upset over something, but then at that point, he’s not sure what he’s supposed to do
He may consult one of his friends (most likely Mina or Kirishima) and ask what he should do to help you (If they try to tease him about it then he’s hanging up the phone/straight up walking away from them, and try to figure it out himself)
After a while he gets used to how you act when you’re sad, he pays attention to what makes you feel better, and how you like to get it out of your system (whether that be venting, crying it out, punching something, etc.), and then he’ll let you do that, before taking you back to his dorm to hang out with him
He probably won’t go out of his way to grab you any snacks or anything, but he if he happens to see something you like when he’s in the kitchen, he’ll grab it for you
Then he’ll go back to his dorm and either just cuddle with you or he’ll cuddle with you while watching whatever you want (even if he doesn’t like it, he’ll keep his mouth shut so you’re happy)
Eijiro Kirishima:
Whenever you’re upset and he notices, he can’t focus on anything else until you’re happy, so if he happens to notice that you’re upset before school starts and he doesn’t get a chance to talk to you about it, he will do terrible for the rest of the day until he gets to talk to you about it
I feel like Kirishima is pretty decent at reading people’s emotions, so he’ll be able to tell pretty quickly that you’re upset about something
Whenever he gets a chance, he’ll take you away from everybody else and drag you to his dorm, before asking you what’s wrong and offering you his comfort
He’ll let you do whatever you want, as long as it gets the emotions out and helps you calm down, and then after you’re done getting the majority of it out, he’ll cuddle with you and whisper comforting things into your ears until you’re at least ninety percent better, and then he’ll do something to cheer you up
He’ll ask you what you’d rather do, and then go from there (Majority of the time it’s either cuddling while he talks to you, or a movie night). He also won’t go to sleep before you on these nights, because he doesn’t want you to wake up and be upset again, but not want to wake him up and bother him (he’s also pretty hard to wake up so he’s not sure that you could even if you wanted to)
Shoto Todoroki:
He takes notice to when you’re upset pretty easily, he’s just not sure what he’s supposed to do, at least in the beginning of the relationship, but once he gets a hang of comforting you then he’s pretty good at it
Like the others, he’ll wait until you’re alone to ask you what’s wrong (he asked you during the start of class once and you burst out in tears (because we all know you cry when somebody asks what’s wrong), and then you got embarrassed and he felt bad, so he learned his lesson)
Anyway, then he’ll let you vent or cry or whatever (I feel like Shoto is a good listener, so you could just vent for hours on end and he would just sit there, only contributing an “mhm” or making some small comment every once in a while so you know that he’s paying attention)
Afterwards, he’ll have a cuddle session with you and he’d prefer not to do anything during it. He’d rather just sit in silence, cuddling with you, sometimes he might whisper an “I love you” or “It’ll all be okay” into your ear if he notices you going back to negative thoughts again
Denki Kaminari:
If you’re good at hiding your emotions, then he’s not going to pick up on the little signs at all, so if you’re good at hiding them then just go ahead and tell him and save both of you from a useless argument
When he does notice, he’ll watch you for a while, making sure that he’s correct in thinking that you’re upset about something, and when he finally comes to the conclusion that you are upset about something, he’s not really too sure what to do
But he’ll start by inviting you over to his dorm for the night, and then he’ll go from there
He doesn’t want to spend too much time on why you’re upset, he wants to spend time on making you not upset anymore, but if you need to get it out then he’ll let you, he’d just rather make you forget that it ever happened
Once you get it all out and start feeling better, he’ll start having you do some fun stuff with him. And fun as in something than ten year olds do at a sleepover together (build forts, play Nerf guns, etc., also Denki owns a few Nerf guns and you cannot convince me otherwise), until you forget that you were ever even upset
#izuku midoriya#izuku x reader#izuku midoriya x reader#midoriya x reader#katsuki bakugou x reader#katsuki bakugou#katsuki x reader#bakugou x reader#eijiro kirishima x reader#eijiro kirishima#kirishima x reader#eijiro x reader#shoto todoroki x reader#shoto x reader#shoto todoroki#todoroki x reader#denki kaminari x reader#denki x reader#denki kaminari#denki comfort#kaminari comfort#bakugou comfort#kirishima comfort#midoriya comfort#todoroki comfort#mha#bnha#bnha x reader#mha x reader#mha headcanons
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#758A87 | LEE JENO.
genre | fluff, domestic au, platonic love
word count | 1652
warning | none
note | i am back to advocate for peeling oranges for each other. also, yes, i may be writing a little nct but don’t count on it.
the way jeno kicked off his shoes and begrudgingly walked past you to go to his room told you that he was rejected.
there was this girl who he has been going on and on about for a while now. he kept it to himself fairly well in the earlier stages of his crush, but you caught on anyway after noticing the cues he dropped here and there—smiling at his phone, mentioning her name in and out of conversations, and mostly jaemin's constant teasing. after he came clean to you about his occupied affection, he fully allowed himself to express how ever-growing his feelings were.
although there were times when you felt an overwhelming urge to shut him up (for someone who talks so little, jeno sure talks a lot in the comfort of your shared apartment), ultimately you were happy to see that he has a reason to be so giddy and happy all the time. she makes him talk like nobody can, she makes him beam and coo, and you were grateful that this unknown girl could bring the best out of your friend.
occasionally, though, when you watch the way his eyes light up in the mention of the girl, you would feel a cold breeze of loneliness for the absence of a companion of your own. you were not in love, and neither was anyone in love with you, and there was a deep hollowness in the absence of affection, whether one-sided or reciprocated, that made you feel an unexplainable desperation to find love without being in need of it.
you turned away from your laptop that you set on the coffee table when you heard footsteps trailing out to the living room. water still dripped past his skin, showing that he didn't bother to dry himself thoroughly after the steaming hot shower he just took. his blue hair dripped wet and the towel around his shoulders was the only thing catching the rainfall from his head.
jeno moved slow and depressed, his eyes not a trace of glow in them and his jaw tightly gritted. he bent down to pick up the shoes he kicked off in a moment of a tantrum when he got home, but his fingers were flailing as if he has no will to do anything but lay on his bed and reflect on his entire love life—how it started, how much he loved the girl who broke his heart, where it went wrong, and what the hell was so bad about him that she didn't love him back?
you pouted slightly in awkwardness when he resulted in placing his shoes near the wall instead.
oh lord, he totally got rejected. that was not the worst thing but the fact that you never knew how to deal with someone heartbroken. you never had to go through it yourself, neither were you ever placed in a situation where someone else needed your comfort.
what could you do? distract him by giving him tasks to do? let him vent his emotions out to you even though he has always been quiet about his negative feelings? be insensitive and remind him there were bigger problems than being dumped?
what if he didn't need it, though? do heartbroken people truly need their hearts to be mended at all? if the heartbreak is the only thing left of whom they used to love, do they truly want to get rid of it?
"jeno."
annoyed but kind, jeno looked up from the cracks of the wall to you. he was upset, but he thought it unfair to take it out on you. your wide eyes glanced back at him when he stood up straight again, and you flashed him a tight smile as you raised your hands to him. he looked at the oranges sitting comfortably on your palms, and internally, he sighed.
"can you peel these oranges for me?" you asked as you usually would, sounding occupied but also free.
jeno really could not be bothered with doing anything. he just got rejected by who he thought was the love of his life; he felt confident this morning, especially after you helped fix up his hair and pick his outfit, as well as jaemin's encouraging words, only to have his expectations crumble with a simple answer. some part of him felt humiliated and stupid for choosing this route, for thinking that he had a chance, and he really cannot be bothered at all.
"[name], i'm sorry but i really don't feel like doing anything right now," he confessed lowly.
he was about to turn to leave when you called him again, much more urgently this time but still with a hint of dragging laziness in your tone.
"ah–jeno, please?" you pleaded in a faint childish whine, squeezing the oranges in your hands. "just one orange? please, jeno?"
he almost rolled his eyes when he turned to face you, but the softness that erupted in his chest at the sight of you sitting on the floor, oranges in your hand, stopped him from letting you see his annoyance. his hammering brain relaxed when he saw you put one orange down and attempted to peel the other one with trouble.
he sighed with unknown but familiar endearment when your thumb tore right through the fruit, sprouting juices over your once clean hands, and a gentle defeat once again rushed over him when you frowned up at him with the failure in your hands and a pleading glint in your eyes.
the softness in his heart—he never thought much about it. much of his affection for you was platonic, he believed, but they were also affection that seemed to trump the ones he felt for the girl he loved whenever they rush to the nape of his neck. the feelings he has for you often seemed to trump all else when he was confronted with them blatantly, such as now, and he could do anything.
he could do anything. he could declare that you are one of his best friends, maybe he could tell you he loves you, but mostly he could brush away his sadness to peel you an orange if you asked.
"jeno..."
"okay, okay," he said as he crouched down next to you and took the untouched orange from the table.
at some point, he lost his balance and he ended up sitting down next to you. he skillfully ripped the skin off the orange, carefully and precisely revealing the tasty fruit inside. meanwhile, you struggled freely with your destroyed orange by taking apart the slices and popping them into your mouth.
"oh, try it, this is good."
jeno looked up briefly when you spoke. he opened his mouth so you could feed him the orange slice, and he raised his brows in approval. you grinned, taking note that you should get more of the same ones next time you go buy groceries to stock up.
there was a moment of silence where you focused on the television and jeno on the last bit of orange slices in his hands. when he was done, he reached over to the coffee table and dumped them on the tissue you laid on top. when he was done, he dusted his hands and hoisted himself off the floor, just before you spoke again.
"you got rejected, didn't you?"
jeno pursed his lips, the sorrow rushing over him once again after having forgotten about it. he nodded. "yeah."
you turned your head to look at him. jeno felt self-conscious under your gaze. he never did so, but it felt like you were accessing what was wrong with the way he looked.
"maybe it's your blue hair," you said, pointing at his head and a playful laugher hanging on your lips. "maybe you reminded her too much of sonic, like the hedgehog, so she said no–"
"you are not funny." he smiled patiently but humorlessly.
"i am trying my best!" you exclaimed, then you leaned back against the edge of the couch and asked to the ceiling, "are you sad?"
"yeah."
"okay then," you muttered, then you laid your head on his shoulder and huffed. "how about now?"
jeno choked on a short laugh, in disbelief yet he was kind of used to your way of comforting people, but his heart beat softly against his chest at both the proximity and your discreet care. if anything, he would have preferred your way than the way of talking and reaching into the cave of his emotions. mainly because the latter does nothing but make him realize how much he missed with just one rejection.
at least with your head on his shoulder, he remembers he has friends, a companion. he has someone he has a soft spot for, someone he can put all his abandoned love for in the meantime as he searched for another lover, someone who can make him bother when he feels like he can't anymore.
"maybe a little less," he whispered, smiling to himself.
"okay..." you reached your hand to him, an orange slice in your hand, "care for an orange?"
jeno laughed, but then he grimaced with a choke of disbelief when he saw the monstrosity in your hands.
"[name]! i said peel the orange not kill it!" he exclaimed, his eyes wide at how sticky and wet your hands have become from just peeling the orange.
"i told you i just can't do it!" you laughed incredulously, shrugging and popping another orange slice into your mouth. "this is why i have you."
jeno rolled his eyes in defeat, but he denies nothing of it.
you are where he puts his love into for now, you are who holds half of his soul for now. you are who he is willing to peel oranges for, maybe not just for now but for the rest of his life.
#jeno imagines#jeno scenarios#jeno x reader#jeno x y/n#lee jeno#nct dream#nct dream scenarios#nct dream imagines#nct dream x you#nct dream x reader#nct dream x y/n#nct dream blurbs#jeno blurbs#lee jeno blurbs#lee jeno imagines#nct x you#nct x gender neutral reader#nct x reader#nct imagines#nct scenarios#nct blurbs#nct jeno#lee jeno x reader#lee jeno x you#lee jeno scenarios
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ding, dong, the witch is dead!
honestly, who didn’t see this coming? lol. but, anyway. i guess this is goodbye! i’ll ramble more below the cut, but just know that over the next couple of days, i’ll be exporting my blog so i can keep what i want, and then this will be the only post left here.
thank you to everyone who i’ve had the privilege of meeting, and those of you who have been so kind as to leave lovely notes on my works, and interact with me over our silly anime crushes. i really appreciate all the kindness i’ve been shown in the anime fandom. some of my best friends i’ve met through this stupid app, but overall, it’s just not a healthy space for me. i’m not blaming anyone else for what this has become, at the end of the day, i created a hell for myself. i’m just tired of trying to rebuild, rebrand, whatever. i’m just tired.
that being said, obviously not everything can always be so lovely. i don’t care about the discourse or the drama or the whatever, but i’m just hoping this post will bring me some closure, and maybe some for those i’ve hurt, whether accidentally or intentionally. if you click read more and you’re upset with what you see, well, idk what to tell you, friend.
i hate that tumblr can be so insignificant, and yet so all encompassing all at once. yes, it’s “just tumblr” and “it’s not that deep” because at the end of the day, it’s just an app. but, unfortunately, behind this app and these blogs are human beings. which means you create real bonds and real friendships, and real feelings get hurt.
i came back to tumblr during a really sad, dark time in my life. and that was honestly my first mistake. i latched on to whoever would pay attention to me, craving some sort of friendship that i never needed before because i always had someone in real life. but i had just moved away from my family, and was starting the process of what would end up being a notsogreat divorce. i felt alone, and was struggling a lot with my self worth, so instead of choosing to be kind, i chose to lash out. regardless of whether or not that was in private dm’s of those whom, at the time, i’d considered friends, it was still inconsiderate and childish of me. i thought i had to be some hateful version of myself in order to prove to other people that i wasn’t as sad about myself as i truly was. the words i said in private were rude, nasty, and just... not who i want to be? and, without going into immense detail, some of those things i wanted to move on from and no longer felt, were then used as weapons and spread around to others who i never intended to see what i’d said.
please, please, PLEASE — be careful what you say. you really never know who is watching, who is going to manipulate you, etc. what you say holds weight, and even if you don’t intend for it to hurt anyone, even if it’s just venting.. i dunno. just, be careful, okay? check yourself from time to time, friend. make sure that you’re not allowing the overall negativity of the world, of your own mind, of others, to affect you to the point that you don’t recognize yourself.
if you don’t know about my lovely little exposed blog, well, you’d probably be the last to know. at least, it feels that way. although in the beginning maybe it was justified? in some right? i’m not sure anymore, really, but regardless—it turned into some sort of stalking experience. at one point in time, i received 35+ messages telling me how horrible i was, telling me to off myself, telling me that my ex did the right thing by leaving me “on the curb”, etc. my full legal name was being released, with the intent to doxx me i’m assuming? i was being told i was “being watched”, which i fully believe was happening, with the consistency of the updates. people who claim to hate me, still followed me with the intent of watching my every move to “see if i’d changed”. i only have received updates through friends, because to be perfectly honest with you, seeing your worst mistakes splayed on the internet and turning you into some shounen villain is NOT the best thing for your mental health. that, and some of the “truths” were half-honesties twisted because i’d be a hypocrite to post private dm’s debunking these things when i was upset with the very same people for posting such things. i’ve addressed some things, such as the racism, so i won’t go into that again, but some of these other instances are stretches, to say the least.
the irony of the whole thing is not lost on me. the very same people who say i only do things for notes/recognition, are doing those very things. those who say i only care about tumblr, are proving that by running a blog dedicated to exposing some twenty three year old idiot on the internet. those who say i use my friends are the same ones who literally lied to my face so they could collect receipts behind my back and then leave me when it got convenient. those who say i talk to “insignificant” blogs to appear invested are the ones calling those blogs insignificant, i never once believed anyone i’ve interacted with was insignificant, contrary to popular belief. everything they focus on ends up being nothing but hypocrisy in the end.
that being said, obviously i truly hurt whoever all is behind this blog. intentionally, or otherwise. and i know that sometimes what you do/say isn’t meant to hurt anyone, however, you don’t get to control how what you’ve done effects others. all you can do is apologize. but, i know a few of them, because based on the “receipts” they’ve pulled together, the stories are too specific to be anything but those people i’m thinking of. i don’t enjoy blanket apologies, but i’m leaving this hellsite, so it’s all i’ve got left.
i’m sorry for giving you the fuel to your fire for this petty agenda, i’m sorry for creating the monster of myself that allowed you to string along this storyline for what seems to be the better part of a year. i’m sorry that i gave you material to fixate upon, rather than providing you with friendship and something better to focus on. i truly hope you can move on now that i’m gone from tumblr, and honestly i don’t plan on coming back, lol. i genuinely, truly, deeply feel sorry for you, and pray that you can turn this obsessive focus from me to something more productive, something healthier.
the angry part of me wants everyone to realize that the start of this, the matchups/refunds situation, was born from this stalkerish behavior. it has taken me months to put the pieces together, because i truly didn’t think someone who i’d called my friend once would ever string together such a lie, or rather an exaggerated, adulterated truth, but i guess it’s what happened, in the end.
there are a lot of, uh, conveniently timed “releases” of receipts even though they were months after the initial occurrence of the offense. i can’t go into each one, because, frankly, there are too many. i just hope that in the wake of all of these horrible exposes of things i’ve done, others are able to reflect on their actions. telling me one thing while currently speaking to another individual and telling them another, blatantly LYING, etc. are all things that i’ve been accused of, and yet they’ve also been done to me. doesn’t justify what i’ve done, nor am i seeking some sort of absolution, however i just hope that these individuals can see their hypocrisy and move forward.
which leads me to my final point — regardless of how shitty someone is, disallowing them the room to grow, stunting their moral/mental growth, is truly the issue. i am not going to sit here and play holier than thou. i know i fucked up. i was a nasty bitch because i was angry at the world, and then that anger was fueled further by consistent situations where i made the wrong friends at the wrong times in my life. but the fact that this exposed nonsense has been dragging on since... july? august? i’m not really sure, but whatever. since it’s been going on, i have been battling with myself and my ability to do the things i love, talk to those i care about, etc. all because i’m afraid of saying the wrong thing, hurting the wrong person, etc. and in trying to avoid it, i’ve been doing the very same thing i hoped to keep from doing.
i never felt like i could apologize to those i wanted to apologize to because it might be received as disingenuous due to the nature of the exposed blog’s very existence “forcing” me to apologize. don’t get me wrong, some of those who the blog tried to coerce me into apologizing to can suck a dick, because there are people that i truly do not feel deserve my apologies, and therefore, will never get them. but, i do feel bad for those i didn’t get the chance to apologize to that i really wanted to. the last thing i’d want is for my apology to be turned into something it’s not, but hopefully everyone who has been affected by my actions can move on with my absence.
and to those of you who feel the need to make public denounces of my name, i hope it provides you the closure you’ve been seeking. truly, i do. but know that i never did anything i’ve ever done with the intent to get ahead or buy someone’s friendship or take advantage of anyone else. if i truly only cared about the things people say i cared about, i would have never made this blog in the first place. i would have leeched off the popularity of my main blog if popularity was all i cared about. i was searching for a home, which, in the end, i burned down myself. me, joking around about follower count and notes, was literally nothing but sarcastic banter that’s been taken out of context. but, i digress.
i am very thankful for those who i can still call my friends, who are willing and ready to have honest discussions with me about the things i’ve said/done and analyze them and help me move forward. therapy, medication, life choices, etc. all have been rolled into me deciding that i’m done letting a silly little app stunt my growth. if the internet was unplugged tomorrow, i know who i’d have and what would matter. i have REAL LIFE to focus on. i am in love and i have beautiful friendships that i want to foster with honesty and kindness. i can only hope that you all have the opportunity to have those very same things.
will i stop writing? nah, dude. no way. i’m just getting started. in my absence, in choosing to stay away from a place that makes me sick to my stomach with anxiety, i’ve delved into my original characters and i’ve written thousands of words that i haven’t felt the pressure to post about. i’ve learned that just because i’m doing something i love, i don’t have to do it for anyone else.
the internet is a funky place, folks. just be careful who your friends are, okay?
anyway. peace out, girl scouts. i wish you all the best 💖
#morgan.txt#tw mental health#tw suicide mention#tw discourse#tw drama#THAT’S ALL FOLKS! signing off xx
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