Revelations I had today:

-'I'm tired of all this drama' = 'I'm tired of all these witnesses who keep monitoring my crummy behavior'. Twas a means to get me alone, away from others, so he could gaslight me later if needed. And I feel disgusting after realizing this. No one was there to help verify his behavior, validate that he was in the wrong.

-'You see the absolute worst in everyone; you assume they have bad intentions'. Do I? Or did he? Because I seem to be on pretty good terms with my coworkers now, after I told him to butt out and stop 'helping'. Lots of jokes, laughter, and stories these days. And they're keeping an eye on me, protecting me even, to keep him at bay. And I will admit, it feels weird to have so many people supporting me through this. But it's also kinda nice.

-He told me I wasn't communicating enough, or clearly. I did! communicate. I even repeated myself, multiple times, used different wording, different tone, used analogies and metaphors. On multiple occasions. The most frustrating part is he said that he got it, that he understood. It is NOT my fault he didn't truly understand. It is not my fault that he could not understand. It is not my fault that he in essence lied to me.

-He cherry-picked through what I was saying, latching onto things that furthered his narrative. If I called him out on his BS, he didn't recognize it. If I tell him 'I called HR because I want you to leave me alone, to stop texting and calling me; how dare you call my best friend; leave her out of this', where tf does he get 'so you went to HR because I wanted to talk to you over the phone? I can't do text-only like you wanted, so you should've picked up the phone; how dare YOU violate MY boundaries'. Like, what a leap in logic is that?

-I only texted with him at all these past two weeks because I was stupid in December and deleted his abusive texts. I needed to refresh the archive. If I hadn't thought the text archive would be needed for the HR investigation, he would have remained 100% ignored in my spam folder.

-It is not my fault if I was as clear as possible, as concise, and he still did not understand. If 'no I don't want to date you under these circumstances' is not clear cut enough, he never would have gotten the message.

-The situationship did not fold because I didn't try hard enough. He did not care enough to listen and Hear what I was saying. Both overtly and subtexually.

-His failure to learn my boundaries - despite numerous chances and reminders - does not make me a bad teacher. It does not make me a bad self-advocate.

-His failure to respect my boundaries does not mean they are worthless.

-Boundary violations do not reflect on my worth as a person with wants, needs, and values.

-He thought I was caged. I am disciplined. There is a difference.

-He thinks I'm controlled by a fear of others' perceptions. I am controlled by a fear of not living up to my perception of myself.

-I'm not entirely blameless in this mess. I do have shortcomings. Mine here are that I didn't enforce my boundaries early enough. I did not vocalize them clearly enough the first few instances they were violated. I caved when he explained why they were incompatible with his wants/needs/desires.

I was weak when he wanted to speak in January. I should have listened to my own gut sooner. I should have said 'no' and meant it, enforced it. I should have stood by my decisions - not let him come and undermine them. I should not have let him use me.

I should not have stewed in resentment without speaking about it when I began feeling that way. I should not have allowed him to make all the rules and decisions. I should have pitched in a few of my own, and made sure he played by them, or honored them. I should have recognized his words and actions were incongruous. I should have demanded his respect, consistently, rather than expecting him to give it freely on his own.

I should have put in the work to protect myself better, much sooner. I gave up on him. I gave up on a future with him. I felt he was slowing me down, not adding to my life, detracting from it. I felt he was not the safe, constructive, reliable person I needed. And I didn't say any of this for fear of triggering another fight - until the pot boiled over and I was proven right, on all 3 counts.

I didn't have enough patience for him and his sometimes conflicting wants/needs/desires. I didn't want to wait for him to grow up. I didn't want to take that much time to help him see the big picture; to make sure he understood where I was coming from. I was tired of begging for a chance to interrupt/rebut things in his endless monologue. (And still he claims I didn't know him! Spoken like a true, pompous windbag.)

I didn't want to keep wasting my time and my breath for nothing in return. I knew what he was, and what he was capable of, and I allowed him to burn me not once, but twice. I loved him and his approval and his lovebombing more than I loved myself. I lied to myself. I tried to explain away his abuses. I didn't want to admit to becoming a statistic.

-It does not make me a bad person for reaching the end of my rope.

-It does not make me a bad person for saying 'enough'.

-It does not make me a bad person for saying 'this treatment ends here, today'.

-I don't 'need to come to my senses'. I've already woken up to the reality of the situation, after turning a blind eye for so long.

-I don't need to wait until June to end this, on his terms. We will end things on mine, today.

-I'm back in control of my present and future.

Questioning NPD culture is trying to do more research into high functioning NPD, but the only thing that comes up is “10 Warning Signs Someone Is A High-Functioning Narcissist”

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A bullet to the brain is looking real nice right now.

bummer how common it is for ppl remove the very strong and realistic assets of Eggman's narcissism and what it adds to him and who he is and his identity, behavior, and actions, stripping him of it and creating excuses or exceptions as a reason to change it, just to make him more personally palatable

I wanna see more of it being considered and reflected! I love all the different ways it shows in his character from subtle to bold. the Egg Memos did this perfectly but people gloss over it, pretend it isn't there and only focus on the things they can say are so wholesome and cute but just miss the point

Eggman is narcissistic and that's cool and awesome and sexy and I hope to be able to consider and respect and represent that as accurately as I can 💜

lol so many bi radfems argue like reactionary manipulative queerio tras and liberals when they're called out for homophobia or told of their privilege ://

Me: *does not get along with parents*

Me: I hate old people.

Me: *sees some teen online saying people over 25 need to get off the internet and get a job*

Me: I hate young people.

hey guys

Just learned there's no cure for narcissism.

Looks like us narcissists are just stuck being so much better than everyone else and being super sexy 😔 why must we be cursed?

(I'm making a joke out of some ableist bs I saw saying narcissism is evil and can't be cured and they don't care about our trauma. And for the ableist folks that go "narcissist is different from npd" this person flat out said NPD. They know. Fuck off.)

im not gonna lie. sometimes (a lot of the time) south park DOES just say fucked up shit to laugh at saying fucked up shit. but i genuinely feel like a majority of the time it is very clear that its supposed to be "this guy is a fucking idiot. dont even dignify him with a response. laugh at him if anything but dont engage it will NOT end well. just look at what happens to kyle"

it's sunday, my fucking ankles and knees hurts like bitches AND i still gotta go to work until 12pm 🙂

When or if I get 7 more followers I'll finally do a face reveal.

Anyway, I'm looking for blogs to follow.

If you mostly post about:

BPD and related mental health stuff (negative/positive doesn't matter)

Witchcraft

Narcissist stuff

Lore Olympus

Demon Slayer

Helluva Boss

Politics

Art/culture

Then please follow or reblog and I'll follow you

(via Hey Snowflake, Trump Lost. You are in a cult. Cap by KBwiththeTees)

NPD culture is telling yourself you don't care about how people view you but the moment you noticed someone blocked you, you think about it for the entire day

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Redefining The “No-Good Black Man…”

My father used to tell me that, “The world is so messed up, what’s wrong has become right, and what’s right is wrong.”  Most of us enlightened black men know this to be true, especially insomuch as defining what a “No-Good Black Man” is.  Growing up in saner times, most of us knew who the real good-for-nothing black men were; they hung out in front of neighborhood liquor, begging for spare change, they were those dude fresh out of prison, and/or those “around-the-way” fellas who seemed to have nothing but spare time on their hands….time that usually put to counter-productive use.

But now, THESE are the types of men who seem to have no problems and/or issues securing the company of black women…even those most us enlightened and awakened black men deem to be “undesirable” (i.e., not marriage material).  This is evidenced by the multiple “baby-mammas” they have, and way by which their “swagger” seems to attract women, pretty much like moths to a flame.  

WE enlightened and awakened black men—those of us who adhere to a traditional understanding of what a real relationship entails—are the new no-good black men.  We are considered “lame” or “nerds,” because we don’t spend our free time engage in counter-productive and/or otherwise senseless endeavors that don’t elevate or advance our stations in life.  Many of us read.  We don’t enjoy around-the-way-gossip relating to who’s-doing-whom.  We tend to keep company with others who are ambitious, with whom we can have intelligent conversations with about what of relevance is going on in the world.  

We don’t spend our nights club- or bar-hopping.  We have jobs, responsibilities, and interests/hobbies that transcend the mundane.  We know that men are the traditional heads of the families, the last authority within the traditional nuclear family unit of decisions which affects the family as a whole.  We know that WE are the heads of the family, not the woman.  We won’t tolerate women taking to us in disrespectful manners.  We don’t like our partners to walk out into public wearing the same clothes they slept in.  We believe in personal accountability for our decisions---not deflections and/or excuse-making for them.   We know that neo-feminist ideology is a dogmatic poison that works against the family structure. We also know that they cohesion of the family translates into the cohesion of the communities that we live in…and that loose family structures translate into the same for our communities. 

But in our embracing this evolved mindset we’re considered “bitter,” “hateful,” or “women-bashers.”  We’re the ones with whom many black women cannot identify with, mostly due to THEIR inability to think beyond their emotions and long-held untruths.  WE’RE now the new “no-good men.”  And that’s not necessarily a bad thing.  We don’t compromise our sense of perspective, just for the sake of guaranteed female companionship.  

Black women, for their part, would rather embrace the pseudo-man who roams the streets in search of his next victim to rob, or next sexual conquest to brag about.  And since this reality continues unabated, women seen fine with this relationship reality paradigm.  We are the real black men.  The new “undesirables” insofar as single black women are concerned.  Though it doesn’t bode well for our communities, black women seem to like it.  But as my mother used to say, “If you want to keep getting what you’ve been getting, keep doing what you’ve been doing.”

No Hope? 😓

You use to tell me about all these disorders you had, you made me feel sorry for you. You told me that you needed help and you used my kindness for weakness as a joke. I’m over here thinking that I love you soooo much and can help you and that you’re going to be all right, but the whole time, you’re just hurting me so badly and to disappear out of my life afterwards, with no goodbye, was a slap in my face. 😳 Why even bother telling me that things are wrong with you, when you know you have no intentions of actually fixing them or do you? That’s what I’ll never know… I hope and I believe in love!!!!! Just because I am capable of feeling love, doesn’t make me any better than you. No matter if you were telling the truth about your childhood or not, I still want the best for you always!! I can’t express it enough. It actually hurts me to express it because it feels so sad to me. How someone I care about so much, can they even care about their own selves? I don’t know you and I am tired of making an opinion or judgement of you. Yet I KNOW you judged and criticized me plenty of times…. You know what though? It’s OK!!!! 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻 I’m a big girl and I can take it! I HAVE taken a lot of judgment and criticism from people that I trusted and gave my heart to. People that were supposed to love me and hold me tenderly while they’re busy sinking their teeth into my loving heart so they can suck my blood 🩸❤️‍🩹 I really have come a long way and I try to remind myself that I just can’t help anybody no matter how I was willing to and I often can’t even help my own self truly. Even then, sometimes I get in my own way and I’m my own worst enemy. I’ve just been forcing myself to face the hard facts and truth about myself and the past. I don’t wanna hate anybody or wish them Ill will 🥺 God have mercy on us all. I’m most guilty and I know you forgave me so many times for the nasty girl I use to be. I just want to make everything right and get to the next chapter of life but it’s hard to turn the page. I don’t wanna forget about my exes and not care about their well-being even though I realize they’ve never considered me once. ❤️‍🩹 oh well.

i'm scared of asmo's tag i don't wanna go anymore