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bipolarwitchcraft · 2 years

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balancing spirituality with bipolar (and other mental illness)

a bit about me, @bipolarwitchcraft! i'm 22 years old, i've been diagnosed with bipolar 1, and been practicing my craft for a almost 2 years. i wanted to make this post as a fellow bipolar witch, because this is not something i see talked about in mainstream sources. i hope this can post can help other bipolar and mentally ill beginner witches start to balance their journeys. i also want to say thank you so much to those who shared their stories with me to help make this post happen! you have helped more than you will ever know!

thank you to @gwynfrew @picturesimlivinthru @caninevampire @hawthorndruid and @thenorserose for taking the time to take my survey and share your stories with me. your answers were all truly beautiful, and you are all beautiful souls.

how can spirituality help your healing journey?

i want to first talk about spirituality as a tool to help you along your healing journey. spirituality, no matter what you believe in has been a proven tool to help healing. if you've ever been to some sort of therapy, you know how they preach mind body and soul alignment for healing. spirituality can help the soul heal and grow, and help you make sense of the world around you. many mentally ill witches claimed that since starting their craft, their life has completely changed. spirituality gave them a new outlook on life and has positively impacted their lives and healing journeys. spirituality can be a helpful tool in one's healing tool box. however, it can be a catalyst of triggers for some. spirituality should never be used at a replacement for actual medical help. take your meds and go to therapy, and then turn to spirituality.

personally, my spiritual journey kick started my healing journey. my healing journey has made SIGNIFICANT progress since incorporating my healing with my spirituality. both my journeys started as hectic and confusing, but i'm finally in a place where i am comfortable to share my experiences in hopes it helps others. i feel it is important for fellow mentally ill witches to have resources that cater to them, as well as a community to support them.

distinguishing between sign and symptoms.

so you've started your spiritual journey, now how do you distinguish from what's a sign and what's a symptom. this is a lot easier said than done, and varies incredibly person to person. with the help of some fellow tumblr witches, here are some tips to help you start to distinguish between the two:

the first tip is to make sure you are in the right mindset to do anything spiritual. we all know factors like stress or exhaustion can affect our mental health, but it can also affect our craft. make a rule with yourself to only interpret or to witchy things when you know you're in the right mindset. personally, i don’t do any heavy spiritual work during episodes, because i don't want my interpretations to be biased based off how my episode is making me feel. if you're not in the right mindset for spiritual work, but still want to do something witchy, things like self care a great way to help heal and add some magic in your life.

another tip that is great advice for any new witch: WRITE IT DOWN. i personally, have a journal and a grimoire. in my journal i do a daily symptom check in with myself and shadow work. it's important to have record and understand what your individual mental illness looks like on you before you can try to explore potential signs. my grimoire is where i write anything related to my spiritual life. any divination interpretation, potential signs and their interpretations, spells/rituals, meanings, ect. go on the grimoire. when you're writing in either journal or grimoire, think about how the sign/symptom makes you feel. what does the energy feel like? what does your intuition say?intuition is one of your greatest tools, but hardest to build confidence in. keep in mind intuition can be wrong. really analyze it. write it down, put it away, and revisit it with a new mindset. once you're more comfortable in your craft, and have a good understanding of your mental illness, things like gut feelings can start to be trusted more. have a gut feeling something is a sign? write it down and analyze it later once the spiritual feeling has passed. if it still feel like a sign, it probably is!

writing down shadow work and doing daily check ins with myself has help me identify my symptoms. knowing your symptoms and knowing how you feel when experiencing them will help you distinguish between them and signs.

writing down signs and the feeling you associated with it helps you remember them when those signs are confirmed!

meditate on it out. just like writing it down, meditation can help you really analyze an experience. put up your mental and spiritual protections and really examine and think about the potential sign. still struggle with meditation? here’s what helps me meditate as someone who can’t quiet my mind.

guided meditations are a great tool to help tackle specific meditations. youtube is a great source for free ones!

put on some meditation music, light some candles, get your space cleansed and protected and find a comfortable place to sit or go on a a walk!

i used to think meditation meant thinking of nothing and letting knowledge present itself. however, the easiest way to meditate for me is to allow my thoughts to race, but keep them directed at the thing i am meditating on. am i meditating on a potential sign? how does that sign make me feel? whats its energy? is it harmful to believe in?

its okay if your mind wanders away from what your mediting on, just realize you let your mind wander and just bring it back. meditation is hard and takes practice! it's all about the energy and how it makes you feel. find a meditation practice that works for you!

still not sure? try rationalizing signs as if they are symptoms. do they make sense as a symptom? does it feel over the top? is it possibly grandiose in nature? are you currently experiencing other symptoms along side it? if you are, it’s worth putting that sign away and coming back to it later.

even an increase in interest in your spirituality is something worth considering. hyper spirituality often goes along side mania type symptoms.

remember its okay if it is a symptom! identifying the difference is important to both your healing and spiritual journeys!`

signs will feel energetically different than symptoms. focus on that energy

remember, even if we are searching, spiritual experiences happen randomly, not because of our behavior.

no one can tell you for sure if something is a sign, that is up to you to find out. hopefully these tips can help you start distinguishing signs from symptoms. using tools like divination can help confirm these signs if you are still unsure. i prefer yes/no type divination. candle divination, dowsing rods, pendulums, and tarot pulls are divination techniques i use when i know something isn't is symptom, but am still unsure of the sign.

communicating with deities and spirits.

if you do not work with deities and spirits, that's okay! not every witch works with deities or spirits, and it is certainly not a requirement to practice witchcraft. everyone has a different story on how they started deity/spirit work, and if you have just started your work you might be wondering how to communicate with them. remember to go back to is it a sign or symptom if you are unsure how your work is being affected or effecting your mental health. personally, deity and spirit work can play into my mania symptoms, so i approach communication cautiously.

communication varies from person to person, but many witches claim spirits and deities have very distinct energy. they often want to communicate with us for a multitude of reasons, and will make their communication known. most of the time if a spirit or deity is wanting to communicate with you, they will send you signs. learn about the deities that interest you and start asking for signs. these signs will start to have the energy of the deity connected to them.

my deity journey started with feeling a calling to work with a deity. through divination i was able to figure out who. once i did, they started sending me signs to confirm.

i often pick random things up as offerings, when i see an item i just know who wants it as an offering based off the energy i feel when i see it.

if you find looking for signs to be triggering, but still feel called to deity or spirit work, you can still welcome their energy without pursuing communication through signs!

dedicate a candle on your altar for them and welcome their energy into your space. allow their messages and energy to take whatever form it needs to take to reach you.

Divination is a great tool to use with deity and spirit work! use your favorite divination method to reach out or communicate with a deity or spirit

many witches prefer tarot for communicating. it allows for a certain set of questions and answers.

tiktok has made communication with deities and spirits seem like you will distinctly “hear” or “see” them when communicating. some people are blessed with this gift, but some of us are not. most of the time we don't actually hear or see deities or spirits. Their communication comes in the form of passing thoughts or gut feelings.

for example, today i felt called on by persephone to do a healing ritual. if i were on tiktok, i would say, “persephone came into my room and told me to get off my ass and do a healing ritual while cernunnos laughed in the corner.”

that’s not the case. i just had a feeling i needed to do a healing ritual today, and based off my relationship with persephone and the energy i felt, i knew she was sending me a sign.

balancing your mental health with your spirituality.

this is something everyone struggles with, and that is okay! at the beginning of your craft, it often feels like spiritual practices need to be a grand thing. this can often feel limiting or like you’re not doing “enough”. almost every witch will tell you they combatted this by incorporating spiritual and magical practices with their everyday life and their healing practices.

keep things small and realistic! not everything has to be a huge ritual. incorporate spiritual practices into your routine. if you’re struggling to think of ways to do this here's some example of what i do!

sometimes all i do is light a candle on my altar!

i use herbs to season food and stir in my intent! a little salt and pepper does a lot more than you think!

water is incredibly cleansing, a quick shower to cleanse away negative energy can greatly improve my mood.

i incorporate crystal magic and spell jars into everything. they're easy to carry around while i do my day to day and carry so much magic

i hope these tips have been helpful! just a reminder that these are just tips and opinions, not fact. i am still learning, as we all are!

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autumnbell32 · 1 year

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*tw: depression, SI talk

I Don't Wear Mascara Anymore

I want to live, I just can't handle living at this point. And trying to explain that distinction to doctors is tricky business. "Please help me BEFORE I get to this point," I've begged over and over again. Even when you aren't at that point, even mentioning that point is risky because there isn't any room for talking about it. I can't speak for everyone, but living in the silence of long term mental illness is deafening- you literally lose any source of human noise around you. People stop understanding you, people expect you to stop talking about it even though it puts a grey veil over all of your days, people blame you, people get frustrated, people go away. Especially if it has been a long battle. I didn't choose this battle, but the fact that I keep choosing to fight it also gets stifled in the silence.

I sent a message to my doctor a few days ago telling him that these mood cycles- especially since they are happening around my period almost every month- aren't sustainable for me anymore. No one should expect me just to be ok with building myself up for two weeks out of the month, only to fall again for the last two weeks. I'm trying to do my part- I workout three days a week, I still go to work, etc etc etc. I walk talk and breathe. I slip up, though, when the symptoms are bad- I numb out with glucose because there isn't really any comfort in my life. And I'm in therapy to address that. I made my motivation very clear in the message- I will do more work to lessen the symptoms of this illness, but I can't do it alone and I can't continue on this particular path. I need my doctor's help- maybe he needs to recognize that functioning does not nullify suffering. I'm suffering immensely.

I was met with a call from the nurse saying I needed to go to the ER. "Why? I'm not su*cidal, I'm not going to hurt anyone else, and the doctor said I'm medication resistant so what would the point be? I don't fit the criteria." The nurse put me on hold and put an NP, who I have never in my life talked to, on the phone to school me on the legality of making sure I'm safe. And to ask me what I expect an 8-5 doctor's office to actually do for me. And to tell me she wasn't even sure there is anything that could help me anymore.

The answer can't always be hospitalization, there are a lot of us that are resilient but still suffering and I wish doctors would stop being comfortable with their script pads and inpatient orders. There is a portion of us that that does not help anymore, so we get written off in another way. Maybe it is just the people in my life, I'd be so glad to know that others struggling with long term mental illness have people to be patient with them and remind them of who they are. But people in my life are ok with me remaining silent and hidden. Realizing that you might be another face that fades someday because of a mental illness is an immediate gut drop. Every time I have realized that possibility, I see myself standing at the mouth of some source of human existence and I swear I feel ego death (and not in a good way).

After seeing my screen name in a depression support chat, another member noted that it is a reference to a piece of classic literature. "Yes, it is," I responded. And then I cried, because intractable mental illness makes you forget yourself- your preferences, your humanity (you become walking pain). You lose your visibility. Even if you do remember, those things aren't easily accessible when sick. Jesus, even I am getting sick of talking about all of this. Scream into the void long enough, and you are going to lose your fucking voice.

My name is Ashley and I love classic literature and horror movies and warm, rainy days and the smell of peonies and baking and helping others and weird 80s-inspired synth music and running and animals. I'm hoping that, someday in the near future, I will want to fill my apartment with plants and be semi-good at trail running and I will want to write most days and I will have a partner that will show me what love without immense pain looks like and I will want to cook for myself more and I will be able to travel and I will be able to recover some of the life that I have lost. My name is Ashley and, someday soon, I hope that I will be able to make it through a day without crying.

#mental illness #bipolar type ii #anxiety disorder #cptsd #ed nos #pmdd #doctors #nurses #treatment resistant depression #writing #writeblr #writer

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skullshoal · 2 years

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talking about jobs and stuff again under cut bc its all i talk about and if it’s draining you dont have to read. Not wholesale negative but talking about what i wanna do and my mental state.

So after today’s interview fiasco maybe i will try instead to try and see if i can possibly make patreon a viable supplementary income. I am sick of shitty retail jobs draining all my energy away and killing me. Plus as unhappy as i am at my work i would be a lot less desperate to leave if i just had more fucking money. Especially if i could cut down on my hours there to divert energy to something that doesn’t suck the soul out of my corpse.

I have been wary to try for a long time because i have had so much trouble producing art at the same time as working. I think if I could set up a schedule for myself that people were paying to see my work for I would be much more motivated to make it happen. the want-to versus have-to do something thing. I’m also wary of making art my job since. I just like doing it. I know making something your job changes it. But also if the only other choice is retail then well I am willing to take that risk. I wanted art to be my job anyway this is just a lot more direct. I don’t expect big bucks or anything especially not for a while but my out look on jobs is so so bleak right now. I keep applying to places that actually sound worth while and then i get an interview and its either totally bad or they don’t want me. I’m so fucking frustrated and drained and bleeding out and dying and it’s for minimum wage. I like the store i work at and i think if i try to set up the environment to better suit me then i would be less miserable. if i can ask for a certain amount of days off or that i don’t work cashier anymore that would be better. Right now i feel powerless because i need every second of pay i can get but if i have a different source of income even if smaller maybe i will feel more empowered to ask for things to make my life better.

I haven’t fully given up on leaving. I am just greatly discouraged with my failure to find a decent job rn :( I am mentally ill in a major way and the constant feeling of failure is um. Taking a toll! I am going to a psychiatrist next week and i’m hoping maybe getting on antidepressants will help me even though i’m also worried about how antidepressants can make you feel worse at first. Everything feels hopeless like i am supposed to work forever and never make enough money to enjoy anything in life and it sucks so bad. Hopefully the psychiatrist will open the pathway up to other things like therapy and stuff. It’s so hard to be trying to fix my life and also living in a pandemic and in my mid twenties and transitioning and the country is on fire and like every major event in the last decade. My current job is the longest i’ve stayed at a job. and it’s only 7 months. I’m scared i’ll always have a ticking timer on my head for how long i can stand to do something and it will never be long enough to make anything of it. I’m scared i’ll work shitty retail jobs the rest of my life and never get vacations and retirement and my passions. I’m scared I’ll get more depressed than i am now or than i have ever even been. I’m scared the pandemic will never end and that the government will turn the country to the sea and that all the kind people are gone. I feel powerless to change even the smallest aspects of my life right now and its paralyzing and horrifying and exhausting. I just want to take back some control of my future and my present. I want to enjoy my days off and see my friend’s sometimes. I want to go to the ocean.

Thanks for reading this far. I hope we’ll be ok.

#broken pencil #long rambling desperate cry for help under the read more.

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caspersgraveyard · 2 years

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So I found something I wrote years ago and just never published because I felt afraid of putting it out in the world. It's coming from an extremely low point in my life, not the lowest, but far before I'd gotten any help.

Right now, I've gone to therapy, I've taken my meds, and I'm doing a lot, lot better on the whole, but I do think a lot of people might see themselves in this so I figured I'd put it out there.

It's time, and I'm no longer afraid.

TW: mental health.

I want you to imagine a couple of things. Imagine that static noise that old TVs used to make when they didn’t receive a signal. Focus on that irksome, buzzing noise. If you can, try to translate the criss-cross of the grey pattern into a sound and add that too. Now amplify these noises hundred-fold and push the resulting annoyance to the back of your brain.

Next, think of the craters on the moon, and how desolate and empty they are. How they are devoid of even the basic components of life that we take for granted here on earth. Now imagine loads of these inside yourself.

Now we’re going to take your guts — your intestines, your liver, and the likes — and tie them up end-to-end, as if they were individual pieces of string. Now take the resulting string and tangle it up, much like earphones seem to do on their own and stuff the resultant back in.

Imagine these three things happening over and over again, non-stop, each iteration worse than the previous one. That’s what it’s like to always be on the brink of a mental breakdown.

I’ve always been rather conservative about my mental issues, never really confiding in more than a handful of people. Even that handful I rolled out slowly, from time to time, after assessing how close I was to each one and whether or not I deemed it okay to talk to them about these things. I thought I was just being an unnecessary burden on them, and so took a while to open up to each individual. It also felt like these were very personal struggles and so no one but my closest friends and family should know about them. But, I recently read articles by Melissa Hopper and Gillian Sisley in which they talk about their own mental illnesses, which lead to me think that maybe it was my time to share my story too and that opening up further might just not be a terrible thing.

One thing I should probably clear up right from the start is that I’m far from a professional — I’m just someone who has some measure of experience with these things and thought that sharing it may make others feel better about their own circumstances. I’m also not going to bother giving you possible ways to deal with these kinds of things since a, there are loads of other articles/other sources that will guide you better, and b, everyone has their own coping mechanisms and what works for one person may not for another.

Since I’ve never actually been to a therapist or a psychiatrist, I’ve never officially been diagnosed with a mental illness, but I know I have anxiety. I think I’ve known since a very long time, but I’ve only recently chosen to acknowledge and work on it. There are days when it gets really bad, just as there are days when it’s nothing more than an incessant nagging in the back of my mind. On the bad days, I can’t stand to be around other people (both because conversation is now physically taxing, and because I get irritable and so am worried I’d lash out at someone and say something I’ll end up regretting later on) and have a deep disinterest in everything around me (even if it’s something that I’d otherwise submerge myself in).

But it never seemed to push past the border, to tip over the edge. It never prevented me from going about daily life, from functioning as a normal human being — even if it is just the bare minimum. Admittedly, I’ve even tried forcing it sometimes. I’ve tried dwelling on every shitty thing I could possibly think of, tried pushing myself to, and over, the brink to the point of complete and utter meltdown. But never could.

I didn’t do these things because I enjoy being sad or feeling like shit. I did these because I thought it would finally allow people to take my shit seriously. That’s the biggest problem with being on the border — people don’t take you and your problems seriously. There’s always someone — perhaps even someone you know — who has it worse than you, as a result of which your problems are treated as less than or less deserving of help and attention. My own family has minimised my problems from time to time and therapy doesn’t seem to be an option available to me because I “can just talk to [them]”.

The above directly bleeds into my next point — you don’t get the help you need. Because people think your problems aren’t valid, they don’t think you require professional (or any sort of) help. And when you’re in a position such that the most therapeutic thing you can do is open up to thousands, if not millions, on an open platform where anyone can say anything, things can’t exactly be expected to go well. This is made worse when you look at people who’ve got it worse than you and think,

“You know what? Maybe I don’t need any help. After all, they’ve got it so much worse than me and therefore they need help. If it ever gets that bad, I’ll get help. I can put it off till then.”

But the truth is, we’re all fighting our own battles, and we’re all bound to need a little assistance now and again. And there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. No one’s problems deserve to be minimised, no matter how small they are. What may be a mole hole for one person could be a mountain for the next.

Every now and again, being on the border may make you feel like you’re faking too. This is something I’ve personally wrestled with more times than I’m comfortable with and I know some of my friends have too. I’ve felt like I induce my own panic attacks and exaggerate everything in my mind to the point that I think of it being much worse than it actually is. And because I have no actual authority to falsify this for me, the feeling keeps getting worse and keeps worsening at the same time.

The other problem with being on the brink is the mass relatability: you can identify with the experiences of both the ones that it only affects to a small extent, as well as those that are in deep. On some level, this helps you identify with others more and may give you a greater sense of belonging, but, at least for me, it also diminishes your problems, making them something everyone seems to be dealing with. And your problems being diminished, being minimised, is one of the worst things that could happen, and severely hampers your ability to feel better.

In the end, I’ll leave you with this — it gets better. The noise lulls, the craters become shallower and less populous, the strings become less entangled. In the meantime, remember that even though everyone goes through their own shit, no one has the right to make you feel like your shit doesn’t matter.

tip jar 💜☕

#mental health #therapy #anxiety #depression

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soscialia · 1 year

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this is a journal entry sorry :/ i felt like typing and sharing

this year may actually be the year that i take the time and intention to take care of my body, mainly focusing on functionality and mobility, but also including strength training as well. i wont lie there is a little bit of body dissatisfaction, but i am mainly motivated with the desire to not be in pain all the time, and to set myself up in the future to be able to move around more, and to just increase my body awareness in general. working from home im already taking way more time to stretch, study fitness videos by people who actually care about longevity and functionality beyond the usual fitness to look or become a certain way. ive also been eating more and eating cheaper too from home. my main body dissatisfaction lies in my chest, im hoping to have bara tiddies one day lol; this is really the only “superficial” goal I have about fitness. The thing is though, working on developing my chest muscles will also require training like all the other upper body muscle groups too, like the shoulders and back, which is where i often feel a lot of pain; i will always be a side-sleeper and nothing will change that. the pain i feel in my back sometimes reminds me of atla when azula shoots aang in the back with a bolt of lightning, i swear its like a stabbing feeling just under my left scapula and near the spine. all that to says me working towards this goal of bara tiddies will help balance out the muscle groups that i guess are currently working at the detriment of others. also i think its fine to have “superficial” fitness goals, so long as its not achieved through unhealthy or shaming ways.

i have a history with ocd, anxiety, and depression, and have recently been diagnosed with adhd (stimulant therapy has been life-changing) and since that diagnosis, ive noticed the other symptom/complexes(?) have diminished in severity so much. this was extraneous information to set up me saying that my relationship and process regarding goal-setting has always been very strenuous, taxing, and frustrating my whole life. i have a weird strain of perfectionism too where it prevents me from even trying to attempt things sometimes. i suck at goal-setting and beginning new habits; i think i actually love the prospect of beginning a new habit, the part that fills me with dread is coming up with how to keep up with progress, and i guess the creation of sub-goals, or working out concretely how to achieve the goals. part of this is that my schedule for existing for the past near decade has been so inconsistent for the sake of “adaptability” that any goal i try to set, or even if i figure out a (somewhat) detailed itinerary, my work schedule or school schedule would always work against me; not to mention being in the throes of untreated mental health issues and near-constant interpersonal conflicts. now that i have a normal person big-boy salaried job, and im adjusting fairly well to the 8-5 shift, i have a lot of hope in myself that im going to be able to keep up with my goals, however ill-developed.

this applies to fitness goals, personal development goals, career-oriented goals, AAND most frustrating goals involving my hobbies. as soon as i got hired at my job, i began reading three books (Conflict in Not Abuse by Sarah Schulman (which is incredibly relevant, interesting, and therapeautic to read, although there are blunders throughout, even just within the first three chapters), For Each Other: Sharing Sexual Intimacy by Lonnie Barbach, which was published in 1971, and is geared towards women, but the author makes a surprisingly progressive forward by saying anyone could learn something from this book, regardless of gender, and admits her limitations due to lack of research about lesbian relationships. She does a good job summing up the common causes and sources of intimacy issues, although focused around heterosexual relationships, I have resonated with a lot of what she has said thus far. Lastly I started reading Love by Toni Morrison, which is probably going to be the most challenging read, because I am not good at reading fiction. I remember...not a lot from reading Beloved in senior year of high school, but i remember liking the style that Morrison writes in, and it being emotionally taxing to read. I also need to continue the Animorphs series because I really fell off with those back in september.

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blakelywintersfield · 3 years

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Obviously pseudoscience is dangerous. Obviously quacks that can get away with calling themselves psychiatrists or psychologists are horrible, and unfortunately not uncommon. But man, there needs to be some kind of regulation for this kind of practice because you're always going to find quacks unfortunately, but preventative measures could avoid a lot of horrific deaths.

And I don't just mean "they weren't getting the help they needed" deaths, which are absolutely horrific. No, I mean causing a parent to accidentally kill their toddler horrific. Like, how the hell can this still be legally allowed to call itself a medical practice levels. Just.

I always insist on people going and seeing a psychiatrist or therapist. But I always say what to look out for, and the people I have to say it to are already skeptical. There's quacks out there that can legally call themselves doctors who have people who want help and are vulnerable because they are mentally ill, that very blatantly just tell them to abuse themselves or others. But because they don't call it abuse, these mentally ill people seeing them don't realize it's abuse. Imagine being told by your (so-called) therapist to abuse the people you love for their own health and if they negatively respond to it its because they're sick and you just have to do it more to "help" them.

There's a special place in Hell for those people. As in, I'm going to make it my duty to make a special place in Hell for those people. I will personally eviscerate them for eternity. I want to.

#like i'm shaking with rage rn #so i'm gonna distance myself for a moment before continuing #but that ''making a dad accidentally kill his toddler'' thing? that actually happened. look up krystal tibbets.#i'm reading through quackwatch because i (1) am checking for something that doesn't seem to have a lot of info except from one source #so i want to see if this is some quackery or if there's some legitimacy of the doctors cited so i can research more #and (2) i want to make sure i can keep an eye out for quack coined mental illnesses or therapies #especially since my best friend's little sister is gonna see a psych soon because she's like 7 and VERY clearly has adhd #and we want to make sure she gets help for it NOW so she doesn't have to struggle the way we did in high school and shit #i will bring down the fucking fury of the GODS if a therapist tries to pull some quack ass pseudoscience bullshit with her #like i've already reported her (my best friend's) former psychs to quackwatch esque databases for overmedicating her and almost KILLING HER #TWICE. TWICE THIS HAS HAPPENED. WITH TWO PSYCHIATRISTS. AND I AM LIVID.#but oh. oh my god. if any quack dare try to pull that shit with this little girl.#i will obliterate them. i will fucking destroy their lives. i will break them and everything they love.#don't you fucking DARE put this baby through even MORE shit than she's already been through #like she's already had a traumatic childhood at her age. it's not just her trust and her sister's trust and her mom's trust.#it's my trust too and the only reason you get it is because i know i can't do the job myself.#i know i don't have the expertise to help her on that level.#so if you pull some quack ass bullshit because you lied and sold yourself as an expert to us i will fucking end you.#and you'll deserve it! because if you go into a field where the job is literally to *listen to proven fact*#and you throw in some metaphysics new age bullshit? you're toying with people's lives. as in you're risking their death.#because of some psuedoscience bullshit that you believe in #i believe in astrology on some level. i would NEVER incorporate it into therapeutic advise.#if i can say and do that as someone who gives advice for free you absofuckingLUTELY can do the same as a professional #keep your pseudoscience belief bullshit out of your medical practices or i'm gonna break your goddamn neck.

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lantur · 2 years

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I feel like I've been carrying a lot of mental baggage around for the past week and I'm going to try to unburden myself. It's a long post.

The Good:

Last week thankfully ended much better than it started. It was really busy at both jobs, but I got everything done. I went in on Friday afternoon for my bi-monthly massage therapy, and it was such a good way to end the week and also to start the month.

I got back into my yoga routine this week. I did it regularly for about a year and a half in 2016-2017, back when I was swimming often. The yoga really helped a lot, but I fell out of the habit once I moved in spring of 2017. I started it up again on Tuesday, and I've been doing it every day. It really helps. For the past couple of years, I've been doing a 15-minute stretch routine that incorporated several yoga poses like forward fold, child's pose, pigeon, downward dog, etc., but I think the dedicated yoga videos are more helpful because I'm holding the poses for longer and doing some different poses as well. I'm really hoping that this will help with my stiff muscles.

Derek's birthday was yesterday. We celebrated with a nice walk outside, a trip to get ice cream at our favorite spot, and dinner with family. One of the things I like best about having a life partner is knowing that I will (hopefully!) get to celebrate every one of our birthdays together for the rest of our lives. I love thinking that 30 years from now, we can celebrate his 63rd birthday. My life has lacked a lot of stability and consistency and it's so good to have that now.

I got to walk around the lake with @broomchickabroom today, which lifted my spirits after having to wake up at 6 AM today for work! Not really ideal for a Sunday!

The Bad:

My anxiety levels have been way higher than usual since the end of February, and that is making life a lot more difficult.

I had to wake up at 6 AM today for an interview on the radio related to my work. I don't think the radio showrunners were very professional. They called me 15 minutes later than when I was supposed to be on air because they got my phone number wrong, and they ignored repeated requests I made to send interview questions ahead of time so I could prepare. Luckily, I had a script on hand from a radio interview I did last year that I could use as a model. But this morning, they did ask me a couple of questions I didn't plan for. Luckily I'm good at improvising answers on the spot.

Things have been good with my mom for the past exactly one month. She was behaving and interacting with me pretty much very normally, being friendly, no unusual or erratic behavior, etc. Today she let me down hard. The brief context is that I am adopted via an inter-family adoption. My mom and I were estranged from my biological mother for about a decade, maybe a little more, due to some unfortunate circumstances around untreated mental illness. My biological mother and I reconciled last year. We were both really happy about the reconciliation and it brought me a lot of mental peace. Separately, my biological mother and my mom reconciled last year.

For the past year, my mom has claimed to be very happy about her and myself mending fences with my biological mother. Today, she completely changed course and told me I shouldn't trust my biological mother due to her past (even though she has been in treatment for years). She said that I should have only minimal contact with her. Keeping in mind that I'll be 30 later this year and am an adult who is many years beyond having my mom tell me who I should be talking to. (My mom also used to get really mad about me, as an adult in my mid-20s at the time, visiting my aunt, because my mom doesn't like my aunt. She doesn't like me having relationships with people who aren't her.)

I'm just… I'm disappointed. The hostility between my mom and my biological mother was a huge source of unpleasantness for me when I was 15 all the way until last year. So almost half my life. I thought we were beyond that hostility and all of us had moved into a better phase in our relationships. I was really happy I could finally have a relationship with both of them.

I don't intend to cut contact with my biological mother since that is a relationship that makes me happy, but I certainly won't be able to be open about that relationship with my mom anymore.

I'm disappointed, and I was venting to Derek earlier today about how I feel let down. My mom's also going to be in town from April 13 - April 26. I hope that goes okay, and that whatever is bothering her rn is out of her system by then.

The Neutral:

I've been so slow with my writing because of how busy work has been. It's a big deal if I get one page per day done, lmao. But it's okay, even one page per day is progress, and the story still gets told!

I'm stopping my speed work on running for now and going back to slower paced runs for the time being. I realized I didn't have to push myself so hard. It's not like I’m training for a race or anything, since I just run for the mental health + strength benefits, so I don't need to worry about shaving a minute off my time.

I really want to go to Michael's and buy stuff to start my scrapbooking project sometime this week or on Saturday.

The Good, Again:

Derek has been amazing helping me through this whole thing with my family issues that popped up. Between family issues and work issues, the past two weeks have been an absolute mess, and he has supported me so much. <3 I still just want to crawl into a cave somewhere with no phone or Internet access and hide from the world for a couple weeks. I feel very, very close to burned out. I might already be there.

So, yeah. It's been a tough time. I really hope the week ahead is easier. I feel a little better for typing this all out. I've just had a lot on my mind I've needed to process. I have therapy on Thursday at least, but I couldn't hold it all in until then.

#lanturing

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strawberrybabydog · 2 years

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a little while ago a mutual of a mutual (of a mutual) ended up vague posting me explaining that their issue with me is that i’m anti-recovery, i spread misinformation about recovery (in reference to psychosis,) or that i prioritize delusion acceptance before other forms of recovery

i know they clearly don’t follow my blog because i’ve said many things which disprove this, but even still, i want to address it because none of those things are true lol, and my intent is irrelevant if my impact is poor

i’m not anti-recovery at all. i just understand that recovery can look different for different people. treatment-resistant mental illness Is A Thing, and when that happens in psychosis, psychotic people often find the only way to cope and get close to recovery is through the acceptance of their reality. going to therapy and getting on medication isn’t always possible and might not even end up working in the end. the acceptance of delusions isn’t really a new idea, infact thats how delusional people of the past and in other cultures have been able to live with psychosis (ever heard of Jesus Christ?) that topic is big and more complicated so i’m over-simplifying, but alike many other forms of sanism and ableism, the silencing of delusional people is a much more recent thing in [western] human history. and... we know how it kills people.

i wish i could find it now, but i do have a post on here somewhere explaining why i’ve decided to accept my delusions but why i don’t encourage anyone else to do that. in short, i have never been able to recover from psychosis with professional help, and its likely i wont be able to afford treatment for a long time (3 years minimum) and even then it’s likely i’m treatment resistant because of the nature of my psychosis. and i just can’t live with a brain that re-traumatizes me every day anymore. i think it would be good to note that i have lived in psychosis since i was 4, but i was likely born schizophrenic and my brain just couldn’t process the trauma until i was 4

if you developed psychosis in your adult life, don’t live with the same delusions i do, have been to therapy and it worked for you, etc etc, obviously your recovery is different from mine? what worked for you will not work for me, we are not the same. suggesting what worked for you and talking about what’s worked for you is perfectly fine, but forcing other people into what your idea of recovery is isn’t right.

basically, just because you have a different experience with a mental illness, that doesn’t mean another person’s experience with it is incorrect or theyre “doing mental illness wrong.” my life has improved significantly since accepting my delusions, personally. i still don’t recommend it for other people - it’s been a last resort for me - but this is how my recovery looks. if im being honest, restricting recovery in every single case as therapy. medication. having a support system. nothing else, ever, for any reason, in a way is anti-recovery - the refusal or ignorance to see that not everyone experiences mental illness the exact same. with the way my schizophrenia is going now, i may not even end up needing to go to therapy for it - i went from having an episode every day, to once a week, to once a month, and now i’m having episodes once every few months on average. my constant-psychosis doesn’t re-traumatize me every single day multiple times a day, it re-traumatizes me once every few days. sure, i have new psychotic symptoms which i didn’t before or they’re stronger - delusion acceptance is a double edged sword and it isn’t all-benefits, but overall i am doing better. and that is my recovery.

i’d go so far as to say that other people probably know themselves better than a stranger would, after all

as for the misinformation thing, as always, nothing i say isn’t able to be backed up by sources. if you want sources, just ask. i don’t include them often because i try to summarize and prefer for my posts not to be 10 years long lol. if i end up being wrong about something though, not a big deal, im not really scared to say i’ve been wrong or change my opinion

#dogcourse #personal #not dog #delusions

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jbbarnesnnoble · 3 years

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JBBarnesNNoble's 2nd Annual Mental Health Awareness Month Challenge 2021

Hello lovely people! And welcome to the 2nd Annual Mental Health Awareness Month Writing Challenge. The aim of this challenge is to shine a light on mental health, medical conditions, and the things that can have impacts on us. This started out initially being a PCOS Awareness challenge last year but through conversations with other writers over Discord, it evolved into a Mental Health Awareness Month Writing Challenge last year. I’m reusing some of the unused prompts from last year’s challenge and adding in some new ones!

May is Mental Health Awareness Month. The goal of this challenge is to lift each other up, and show that it’s okay not to be okay. Spread some love and light during a challenging time in the world to those who struggle with chronic illness, depression, anxiety, self-esteem issues, grief, PCOS, acceptance from their families and communities for being LGBT+, and anyone struggling with insecurity.

This challenge will run through July 31st, 2021. It will run through Mental Health Awareness Month, Pride Month, and the month of July to give people time to write. You can submit it at any time. I probably have too many prompts, but I wanted to ensure that there was a wide array to choose from. Please don’t hesitate to message me if I haven’t interacted with your fic after a few days! Sometimes the tag system doesn’t work and I miss things!

The Rules:

1. Utilize resources available online if you’re dealing with subject matter you’re not that familiar with. I’m not going to go all “cite sources” on y’all, but please do make sure to do your research. Writing about some of these issues can be hard if you don’t have first hand knowledge of how it can affect you. The goal of this challenge is to write about topics that we tend to shy away from, that many of us struggle with, from mental health struggles to chronic illnesses to low-self esteem. A gentle reminder that if you think writing about a subject will be triggering for you, please look after yourself first.

2. Use #JBBNNMHAM21 to tag your fic

3. Dark!Fic- Due to the subject matter involved in this challenge, please don’t submit dark!fic. I enjoy dark fics, but this challenge isn’t the place for them.

4. Smut- Smut is welcome! Make sure you tag it appropriately.

5. No inc*st, dubcon/noncon, underage, etc

6. Ships- I prefer reader inserts, but show me what ya got.

7. NO JOHN WALKER FICS. Please. Please no. I beg of you.

8. Selecting Prompts: Just let me know which one you want to do! 2 people per prompt! The song prompts have a line from them under it. You DO NOT need to use the line in your submission! It’s mostly to help you decide if you’re interested in a song before you take a listen to it.

You also can alter the sentence and dialogue prompts as needed for grammar, be it altering the pronouns used or changing the pluralization of a word.

9. Trigger Warnings: Use warnings as needed. Fics dealing with depression, anxiety, eating disorders, or other mental health issues should be tagged appropriately to ensure that readers that may be triggered by the subject matter can avoid the fic. Trigger warnings are non-negotiable

The prompts are under the cut!

Prompts:

Dialogue Prompts:

“I feel like if I let go, if I move on, I’ll only be proving them right.”

“I don’t know. Am I? Because from where I’m standing it’s pretty damn clear that’s how you see me.”

“You don’t believe that do you? Tell me you don’t. Please.”

“It’d probably be easier if you left”

“Please leave me alone”

“Everyone’s got broken pieces. Some have more, some have less. It doesn’t make you less of a person to have those broken pieces.” @nekoannie-chan

“If it’s okay with you, I’ll take that shake now.”

“What’s the point if I’m going to end up breaking that promise too?”

“You sure about that, moonman?”

“It made you smile though. And that will always be a win in my book.”

“That’s not true. And I will tell you that every day of your life until you believe me.”

Sentence Prompts:

Feel free to adjust the pronouns as needed

It was a day. It was the only way it could be described.

Summer had a smell that reminded her of innocence and a time long since past.

In that moment, the world stopped spinning on its axis as it all shattered down around her.

Some things, there would never be a way to understand. @justrunamok

Like shattered glass, in that moment the illusion was broken.

Forever was a lie, just like everything else.

If you had another condescending doctor tell you your problem wasn’t a problem you were going to scream.

They’d say it was easy, like riding a bike. Except, you never learned how to ride a bike in the first place.

Today was going to be good. It had to be.

It didn’t take a genius to figure out that this was going south.

AU and Trope Prompts:

Soulmate @samsgoddess

College

Childhood Friends @tellmealovestory

Friends to Lovers

Enemies to Lovers

Musicians

Writer

Professional Athlete

Teacher

Coffee Shop

Fake Dating

Accidental Marriage

Royal

Librarian

Doctor

Song Prompts:

1. Nobody Ever Told You - Carrie Underwood

Lyric Snippet: “Wish you could see yourself the way I do. Nobody ever told you, nobody ever told you. Shine like a diamond, glitter like gold, and you need to know what nobody ever told you”

2. Missing You - All Time Low

Lyric Snippet: “And if you need a friend, I’ll help you stitch up your wounds. I heard that you’ve been, having some trouble finding your place in the world. I know how much that hurts. But if you need a friend, then please just say the word.”

3. Barefoot and Bruised - Jamestown Story

Lyric Snippet: “Maybe when your sky comes crashing down, I can be your angel on the ground. If you get tired and can’t go on, I will carry you along, when the rocks below your feet wear out your shoes, when you’re barefoot and bruised”

4. Hold On Till May- Pierce the Veil

Lyric Snippet: “If were you, I’d put that away. See you’re just wasted and thinking about the past again. Darling, you’ll be okay.”

5. If I Surrender - Citizen Soldier

Lyric Snippet: “If I surrender, surrender, to the monsters in me, will it set me free?”

6. Home - Machine Gun Kelly, X Ambassadors, Beba Rexha

Lyric Snippet: “All these miles, feet, inches, they can’t add up to the distance that I have been through just to get to a place where even if there’s no closure I’m still safe. I still ache from trying to keep pace. Somebody give me a sign, I’m starting to lose faith”

7. Broken Arrows - Daughtry

Lyric Snippet: “The best of intentions I lay at your feet. And I need you to see past the worst part of me.”

8. Used - Serious Matters

Lyric Snippet: “The wounds are gone and the pain still lingers. But this time I won’t stand by, I don’t need you in my life”

9. According to You - Orianthi

Lyric Snippet: “According to you, I’m stupid, I’m useless, I can’t do anything right”

10. Let It Land - Tonight Alive

Lyric Snippet: “And everything we hate is something we just bought along the line”

11. Cold As You - Taylor Swift

Lyric Snippet: “You put up walls and paint them all a shade of grey. And I stood there loving you and wished them all away. And you come away with a great little story, of a mess of a dreamer with the nerve to adore you”

12. Tied Together with a Smile - Taylor Swift

Lyric Snippet: “Hold on, baby you’re losing it. The water’s high, you’re jumping into it, and letting go, and no one knows. That you cry but you don’t tell anyone that you might not be the golden one. And you’re tied together with a smile, but you’re coming undone.”

13. Human Interaction - Tonight Alive

Lyric Snippet: “I don’t know love. I don’t know hate. I am numb. Wish I could find the words to say. Asking please, as colors fade. I need to breathe. Before I turn the world to grey.”

14. Therapy - All Time Low

Lyric Snippet: “Give me therapy, I’m a walking travesty, but I’m smiling at everything. Therapy you were never a friend to me, and you can keep all your misery”

15. Scars - Alison Iraheta

Lyric Snippet: “Do you know how hard I’ve tried to become what you want me to be. Take me, this is all that I’ve got, this is all that I’m not, all that I’ll ever be. I got flaws, I got faults, keep searching for your perfect heart. It doesn’t matter who you are, we’ve all got our scars”

16. Hurts to Know - 1551

Lyric Snippet: “I can’t remember what I did to earn you by my side. I can’t surrender. I’ll fight as long as you’re in my life”

17. Spinning Bottles - Carrie Underwood

Lyric Snippet: “He’s in a hotel room, with the tv on. Getting lost in the static with the curtains drawn, knowing this could be the time that gets her gone for good, he’d quit if he could. But one down, two down, three down, four, can’t even recognize the man in the mirror anymore”

18. Praying - Kesha

Lyric Snippet: “Well you were wrong and now the best is yet to come. ‘Cause I can make it on my own. And I don’t need you, I found a strength I’ve never known.”

19. Jersey On the Wall (I’m Just Asking) - Tenille Townes

Lyric Snippet: “If I ever get to heaven, you know I got a long list of questions. Like how do you make a snowflake, are you angry when the earth quakes? How does the sky change in a minutes, how do you keep this big rock spinning? Why can’t you stop a car from crashing? Forgive me, I’m just asking”

20. Five More Minutes - Scotty McCreery

Lyric Snippet: “Time rolls by, the clock don’t stop. I wish I had a few more drops of the good stuff, the good times. Oh, but they just keep on flying right on by like it ain’t nothing, wish I had me a, a pause button. Moments like those, Lord knows I’d hit it. Give myself five more minutes”

21. Dad’s Old Number - Cole Swindell

Lyric Snippet: “Sometimes I forget, these ten digits ain’t my lifeline anymore. Every now and then I dial them up when life gets tough or when the Braves score. Sorry about the one ring hang ups, early morning and late night wake ups. It was just me. In case you wondered, you’ve got dad’s old number.”

22. The Other Side - Lauren Alaina

Lyric Snippet: “There’s gonna be a lot of sadness on a lot of happy days, I’ll try to think of this moment, this place”

23. I Was Here - Beyonce

Lyric Snippet: “So they won’t forget I was here. I lived. I loved. I was here. I did, I’ve done, everything that I wanted and it was more than I thought it would be. I will leave my mark so everyone will know I was here.”

24. Gone Too Soon - Simple Plan

Lyric Snippet: “Like a shooting star, flying across the room. So fast, so far, you were gone too soon. You’re a part of me. And I’ll never be the same here without you. You were gone too soon.”

25. Amelia - Tonight Alive

Lyric Snippet: “And you will always be perfect, you’ll always be beautiful, our hearts, will never forget you. You didn’t belong here, and it’s become so clear why heaven called your name.”

26. Heaven Right Now - Thomas Rhett

Lyric Snippet: “When the whole crew gets together, memory lane goes on forever. We twist a top and pour a little Jack D out.”

#JBBNNMHAM21 #writing challenge #marvel fanfic

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hellomynameisbisexual · 3 years

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“Faggot.” “Cocksucker.” “Femboy.” “Abomination.” Gay. The list of names I’ve been called since coming out as bisexual in June 2020 doesn’t stop there — nor did it stop when I went public with my sexual identity either.

From a young age, I knew I was different from my peers.

Maybe it was the way I walked. Or the way I talked. Or the way I dressed. I just knew I stood out to them like a sore thumb — or perhaps a rainbow of color in a sea of dull gray.

My differences became evident to me when other children at the preschool I attended in suburban San Diego, California, would forsake my company in favor of each other, already forming cliques and inciting drama at such an innocent age.

When my family and I moved to dreary Erie, Pennsylvania, I knew my struggles would only get worse.

Many of the children in my kindergarten class had already known each other for several years before I entered the picture.

They quickly noticed differences in my mannerisms, speech patterns, thoughts and ideas. I wasn’t like the other boys, but I wasn’t like the girls either. I was an outlier, a foreigner and a stranger considered dangerous and unwelcome.

Though I made friends the following few years — including some who would become lifelong companions — most of those primary friendships mirrored the kernels of a neglected ear of corn: delicious when ripe but quick to harden, rot and flake off.

By my fourth grade year, I was teased and bullied nearly daily for being too feminine, too weird, too annoying to fit into my school’s social circles.

When I told my teachers about my struggles, their solution was to attempt to masculinize me by placing me in groups of athletic boys in my class, boys I had nothing in common with and who certainly had nothing in common with me.

Even my grandparents — then and now my caretakers — noticed my un-boyish behavior and enrolled me in the local little league baseball team — whether to also attempt to instill in me a sense of masculinity and male toughness or to help me make new friends I knew not.

I would grudgingly participate in the sport for six, nigh on seven grueling years, never making a single lasting friend and crying almost weekly from the torment it caused me.

Needless to say, I felt like a floundering fish without fins in a sea of angry, hungry sharks during those years.

It wasn’t until the final year of my elementary education that I was introduced to the concepts of puberty, adolescence and sex.

I was told that very soon, I would start noticing the girls in my class and would begin to want to form meaningful relationships with them. Eventually, I would become sexually attracted to them and want to have children with them.

But in those coming years, though many girls would pique my interest, it wasn’t them who ignited the fire in my soul and made me feel the burning passion of desire — it was men.

I quickly realized it was this that set me apart from my male peers and resulted in me being shunned by the girls. I was a boy — soon to be a man — in every physical way, but I wasn’t attracted to or passionate about girls like the other boys in my class were. I was obsessed with men.

But I couldn’t possibly be gay, could I?

Growing up in a household of religious relatives, I was always taught that sex before marriage was a wicked abomination and that being anything but straight was a sin comparable to none.

I distinctly remember watching a news broadcast with my family around the time I was transitioning to my middle school years. The ABC World News clip showcased LGBT marriages being performed out west and contained affirming remarks from then-President Barack Obama on the matter.

“The Bible says marriage is between a man and a woman,” I remember my aunt saying in utter disgust at the television, murmurs of agreement echoing her around the room.

I resolved then to hide my feelings and my pubescent curiosity from my family at all costs, lest I be scolded, shunned or worse: abandoned.

During middle school, I relentlessly dug deep within myself and attempted to alter what I thought was but a simple mental barrier to social normality. All thoughts of being with men were forcibly suppressed in my mind before they could even become tangible, and each of my increasingly urgent bodily needs went ignored and unsatiated.

I even resorted to religion, the only weapon I thought strong enough to aid me in the war raging inside myself.

Day and night, I attempted to “pray the gay away,” but to little avail. Much to my chagrin, I realized that even divine intervention could not “help” me: My homosexuality seemed to be an immortal, malignant tumor infecting each and every one of my thoughts.

Thus, the preliminary years of my second decade of life became miserable and unfulfilling — I was engaged in a fierce battle with an integral aspect of my identity and was inadvertently shattering the chains that bound a beast capable of obliterating every fiber of my cognitive being — anxiety.

By my high school years, men — mean, nasty and indifferent but awe-inspiring, mystifying and oh-so-gorgeous men — had begun to control my deepest, darkest desires and fantasies. My lust had grown large enough to thwart even my most furious attempts at diminishing it.

As I slowly came to terms with the realization that nothing in the universe could “fix” me, my mental situation severely worsened. I fell into a dangerous downward spiral of self-doubt and woefulness.

My relationship with my grandparents quickly began to deteriorate, as did my relationships with my friends. Every day brought with it a new reason to hate my existence — the constant verbal altercations, the continued teasing and even bullying at school, the countless lonely nights spent sobbing quietly into my pillow.

And, to make matters worse, the true nature of my sexuality seemed to express itself in each of my social mannerisms. It wasn’t long before despicable rumors about me spread through the student body of my high school like wildfire.

My teachers noticed my strife, and some took the time to speak with me about a few of the different mental illnesses they suspected I had. But not even they could halt the hordes of horrifying thoughts racing through my head or the string of ruthless comments that would assault me in the hallways.

Soon, however, the light at the end of the long, grueling tunnel that was public education began to shine: I was graduating from high school and about to start fresh. Nothing could have contained my excitement at the prospect of escaping the largest source of my daily torment.

As I digested the freedom going to college offered, idealistic daydreams began to flood my mind — I could live how I wanted with whomever I wanted, and no one could judge me or tell me differently.

How wrong I was.

My first year as an undergraduate student at Penn State Behrend was a living hell.

Though the petty and immature teasing of high school was no longer an issue, standing up for my newfound political identity was, as well as dealing with my growing anxiety.

I was constantly engaged in polite yet heated political debates with those in my dorm. I felt like they were blatantly attempting to oppress me with their own beliefs and had grown to hate me for mine.

The same situation occurred with my grandparents, and we grew increasingly distant over the course of that year.

It didn’t help that I was still “in the closet,” so to speak, and contemplating methods of publicly revealing my true sexual identity. I hadn’t yet officially told anyone I was bisexual, and it remained my most closely guarded secret.

Needless to say, my social circumstances and the added stress of my adjustment to college academics and lifestyle allowed my mental state to reach an unprecedented low. I needed help.

That same year, I saw my family physician and then a psychiatrist, who prescribed me antidepressants in an attempt to lessen my now untameable anxiety. I took them with gusto and also began attending therapy sessions to teach me how to manage my thoughts and emotions.

For a small while, I felt better — I was actually happy in my skin and even happy with my bisexuality.

But then, even my long-awaited mental comfort abandoned me, and I slipped into the deepest, darkest pit of my life.

I became suicidal but never acted on that petrifying potentiality.

I didn’t trust myself to be alone, so I constantly sought the company of others, which only made me feel like a nuisance and waste of time, energy and space.

About a month later — in October 2018 — I got into an accident.

I was barrelling down the highway, escaping a particularly heated verbal altercation with my grandfather. It was raining that day, and the roads were slippery.

Going around a curve, I lost control of my vehicle and flew into a small ravine, flipping not once, not twice but three times in midair before landing upright — dazed, but alive.

Escaping relatively physically unscathed from the incident, with only a broken right clavicle, I was not mentally the same for weeks afterward.

I decided at that time I would come out and reveal my true sexuality at the soonest possible opportunity — I blamed my silence on every terrible situation that had occurred in my life up to that point. If I didn’t come out, I quite literally thought I would die.

Telling even my closest friends was difficult, but I managed, and the relief I felt was paramount to that of the titan Atlas in Greek mythology: I felt like the weight of the entire world — sky and all — had been lifted from my shoulders.

Fast forward to the present: I’m alive, well, out and proud. I’m no longer ashamed of my innate traits or of my thoughts.

Being a bisexual man has taught me many lessons, but foremost among them is that the people who can’t accept me for who and what I am don’t deserve to be in my life.

My anxiety made it difficult to let go of toxic relationships over the years — I learned that the primary source of my mental strife is a fear of abandonment by those I care about — but doing so opened the door to newer, healthier relationships that build me up and boost my confidence instead of chipping away at it.

I’ve since improved tremendously, and not even the onset of the coronavirus pandemic was able to pause my progress. Every day is a learning experience, and I’ve grown so much from the helpless boy I was mere months ago that if you showed me a map of my mentality from 2018, 2019 or even 2020, I wouldn’t recognize myself at all.

Revealing my bisexuality to the world didn’t solve all my issues — there were and still are other factors that contribute to my anxiety and mental health — but coming out was perhaps the most profound, life-altering moment in my 21 years. Nothing compares to the freedom I now enjoy, nor will any other experience compare to the relief I felt following my announcement.

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eli-kittim · 3 years

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Is Sin the Cause of Mental Illness?

By Author & Psychologist Eli Kittim

——-

Christian Psychotherapy

I should frame the discussion by saying at the outset that my definition of the Christian Method of Psychotherapy is not based on organized religion or on any particular denomination. The Christian psychological approach that I am introducing is not related to any religious doctrines, dogmas, or practices. Rather, it is based on my personal understanding of the teachings of the Bible in conjunction with modern psychology and existential experience! As a trained psychologist, I see an intimate connection between sin and neurosis!

——-

What is sin, anyway?

In Biblical terms, “sin” is an action that transgresses the divine moral law and is thought to be highly reprehensible, bringing about guilt and/or shame upon the individual who commits it through the conscience (i.e. superego).

In humanistic terms, that is precisely what a clinical “neurosis” consists of, namely, conscious or unconscious feelings of guilt and/or shame that are displayed in one’s personality as symbolic symptoms, such as anxieties, phobias, compulsions, and the like. Although the term “neurosis” has been dropped since 1980 by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM III), it is nevertheless prevalent in the clinical psychotherapeutic literature (e.g. it is still used in the ICD-10 Chapter V F40–48).

The point is, there seems to be a clinical connection between neurosis and sin. Some notable psychoanalysts, such as Moshe HaLevi Spero, have published academic works about this connection (see his article “Sin as Neurosis” in the “Journal of Religion and Health” Vol. 17, No. 4 [Oct. 1978], pp. 274-287).

——-

What is the Difference Between Christian and Clinical Psychotherapy?

Whereas modern psychotherapy’s goal is to make you feel less guilty about your neurosis, Biblical Christianity tries to eradicate the source of your guilt through *forgiveness*. These are two radically different approaches. One is largely devoid of any ethical considerations and basically encourages you to continue practicing your sins (as long as you’re not hurting yourself or others), while trying to persuade you not to feel so damn guilty about them. After all, this is the 21st century. People are free to do as they wish. A psychoanalyst once said to a patient——who suddenly revealed a secret perversion during a psychodynamic therapy session——“welcome to the club.”

The other approach acknowledges that something is morally wrong and says, no matter what you do, the guilt and shame will not go away unless you’re *forgiven*. Modern psychotherapy does not offer a “cure,” only a better coping mechanism based on a better understanding of your symptoms. In other words, it offers a bandaid, at best. Biblical Christianity, on the other hand, offers a “cure” based on an *inner transformation* of the mind. It may entail more risks and a far deeper understanding, but it almost always guarantees a personality change. All you have to do is to reinvent yourself. You have to become a new creature: a new creation. One day you’re this person; the next day you’re a completely different person. That’s exactly what happened to Paul in the New Testament. One day he was persecuting Christians. The next he loved and protected them. The Second letter to the Corinthians 5.17 (NIV) reads:

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new

creation has come: The old has gone, the

new is here!

The Christian process of transformation is not unlike the Buddhist or the Hindu. In fact, it is almost identical to them in the sense of self-realization and self-transcendence, the only difference is that at the center of undifferentiated consciousness is the divine Christ. The Johannine Jesus makes it absolutely clear that you cannot even see the kingdom of God unless you are born again (3.3):

Jesus replied, ‘Very truly I tell you, no one

can see the kingdom of God unless they are

born again.’

That’s precisely why the Epistle to the Ephesians 4.22-24 (NRSV) instructs us to put away the “old self” and to put on a new identity, namely, “the new self,” which is made in the image of God:

You were taught to put away your former

way of life, your old self, corrupt and

deluded by its lusts, and to be renewed in

the spirit of your minds, and to clothe

yourselves with the new self, created

according to the likeness of God in true

righteousness and holiness.

So, from this perspective, you don’t need to see a psychiatrist once a week. What you need is a personality change. In other words, you don’t need a slap on the wrist; you need forgiveness!

——-

Christian Psychotherapy Not Only Cures but Also Offers Salvation

Besides this psychotherapeutic advantage that the Bible offers, in which deep satisfaction and contentment can be attained, it also furnishes some insights into unconscious motivation and human behavior. For example, it goes beyond the personal unconscious and informs us about the influences of the so-called “collective unconscious” on our psyche, as the work of Swiss psychiatrist, Carl Jung, has shown.

Of course, the weltanschauung of transcendental philosophy is significant here because, in the Biblical context, transcendence refers to the metaphysical aspects of nature, which are beyond all physical laws. These parapsychological phenomena can be exhibited in various “religious experiences” of the type that William James studied, which are typically manifested in contemplation, prayer, séance, extrasensory perception, clairvoyance, meditation, or paranormal “visions” and existential experiences. In short, there seems to be a link between physical and metaphysical phenomena that are played out in the psychological sphere of the individual and in the realm of the mind.

To this end, the Bible has a lot to say on the topic of how we diagnose and therefore treat certain ailments. For example, should we treat all mental health issues as matters that pertain to sin or should we consult modern psychology? According to the Bible, if anxieties, fears, depressions, and phobias are the roots of mental disturbances, then *love* necessarily cures them. First John 4.18 (NIV) says:

There is no fear in love. But perfect love

drives out fear, because fear has to do with

punishment. The one who fears is not made

perfect in love.

——-

Conclusion

The panacea for all nonbiological mental disorders is *love.* The Beatles were spot-on: “All You Need Is Love.” Second Timothy 1.7 (KJV) reads:

For God hath not given us the spirit of fear;

but of power, and of love, and of a sound

mind.

Thus, from a psychotherapeutic perspective, it is precisely this *love* and *forgiveness* that equips a person to break the chains of neurosis, addiction, and fear by restoring their mind back to health!

(To read this article in Greek, click the following link: https://www.tumblr.com/eli-kittim/652363021202669568/%CE%B5%CE%AF%CE%BD%CE%B1%CE%B9-%CE%B7-%CE%B1%CE%BC%CE%B1%CF%81%CF%84%CE%AF%CE%B1-%CE%B7-%CE%B1%CE%B9%CF%84%CE%AF%CE%B1-%CF%84%CE%B7%CF%82-%CF%88%CF%85%CF%87%CE%B9%CE%BA%CE%AE%CF%82-%CE%B1%CF%83%CE%B8%CE%AD%CE%BD%CE%B5%CE%B9%CE%B1%CF%82

——-

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innermysteries · 3 years

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After nearly 2 years, I finally understand why I had to undertake this journey of voluntary poverty and endless wandering around the United States. Living as a homeless person simulates the vulnerable state of infancy in which I am completely dependent on a society that neglects, abuses and abandons me. This reopens and reactivates the primal narcissistic wound that caused the compensating defense mechanisms such as primitive dissociation between the hemispheres of the brain, the source of narcissistic rage, and causing failure to successfully complete the early stages of psychosocial development, resulting in a perpetual state of adolescent psychology into adulthood, otherwise known as narcissism. This existential therapy, which has no guidebook, allows a person to go back and re-experience the trauma so that the wound can heal. Only then can a person succeed at these early stages. In short, this provides a second childhood. Moving around the country simulates the exploration of toddlerhood in which the child learns to succeed and fail on their own.

I think that the primal wound is healed by seeing that people and the world are on one hand sadistic, neglectful and abandoning, but on the other hand are compassionate, attentive and nurturing. And the key is to understand why this is, that we have two hemispheres, and that the universe is made of opposites. The right of passage during adolescence is the appropriate time to be circumcised and integrate the dark side of existence. The problem is that infants and children in our culture are exposed to suffering and pain during a fragile period of development that operates on the pleasure principle.

The only way that the infant or child can survive this trauma is to dissociate The left hemisphere from the right hemisphere of the brain, and to dissociate the cortex from the limbic mammalian brain. This creates the shadow and the unconscious.

Narcissism is a secondary defense mechanism against borderline personality disorder. In order to eliminate the psychotic right hemisphere from the equation, the two hemispheres split apart. So treatment for either disorder would be the same. First, a time of infantile dependence in which more pleasure than pain is experienced and trust is developed, until the will to live is affirmed, nullifying the death drive, also known as the secret death wish. The next phase would be to resolve the existential crises of the early stages of psychosocial development, IE: self-acceptance and autonomy vs. shame and doubt, initiative vs. guilt, competence vs. inferiority. Then the rite of passage, the adolescent phase, can begin where one begins to experience humiliation, pain, suffering, adversity and integrate the dark aspects of life. If one does not voluntarily undertake this sacrifice and suffer of one's own initiative, then life will provide suffering in the form of physical illness or disabilities.

Before any of this process can take place, however, a person must first shed their respectable, grandiose, adult persona, or false beliefs about oneself. This is a complete farce, since there are few if any actual adults in our culture, and the sad truth of our psychological state is anything but grand or respectable.

Since the truth of our psychological state is, underneath the social mask, that of a traumatized infant.

The pain and suffering that life deals out in order to initiate this process, If not taking voluntarily, it's not a magical phenomenon, but a natural consequence of the secret death wish.

Here's a theory about how the false persona develops. Since the existential crises of the early stages of psychosocial development are not successfully resolved, when it comes time to develop an identity, during adolescence, since an authentic identity has not been achieved, a person forecloses on a false identity that is simply based on the expectations of society and a mimicry of those around them or based upon false beliefs that one has been conditioned to believe, brainwashed, In other words.

I may have laid out the first guide book for existential psychotherapy and the cure for borderline and narcissism, two of the most serious, most common, and most untreatable psychological illnesses. However, One can see why treatment would be difficult since this plan of treatment dabbles in the realm of mystical unconscious forces at work within the psyche, and the extreme nature of these methods of treatment.

Although I would give great credit to both Carl Jung and the Tao Te Ching as guides to existential psychotherapy and therapeutic methods for these mental illnesses, however cryptic, prone to mistranslation and difficult to understand.

I believe that the Taoist master is, in essence, the original existential psychotherapist.

This is why the Tao Te Ching says: If you want to be given everything, give everything up.

And this is what my unconscious said to me, with cranium shattering magnitude, before I left home, and so I did.

Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and eat with him, and he with me.

I believe that this is well depicted in the movie The Game, starring Michael Douglas. He signs up to play a mysterious game given to him as a gift by his brother. He is drugged, kidnapped and dropped off in Mexico with nothing and finds that his bank account has been emptied. He then begins a life-changing journey.

We spend our lives idolizing the wealthy and working to generate greater and greater amounts of comfort, convenience, safety and security, when, to the degree that we manage to acquire these, they actually work against our psychological healing and maturity towards enlightenment, balance, wisdom, serenity and a truly harmonious existence.

It occurred to me that another way that we seem to work through infant and childhood trauma is by reenacting it in monogamous, romantic relationships. Our mate becomes a replacement for mommy or daddy, and through these relationships and breakups we re-experience the betrayal, abuse, neglect and abandonment, activating the primal wound.

This may actually be the reason for monogamous, romantic relationships in the first place. We are the only primate that practices this kind of sexual relationships. Even tribal societies practice polygamy the way that other primates do, this is the harem of the dominant males.

Since we tend to replace our parents with romantic partners in order to reenact infant and childhood trauma, it is interesting that we tend to call our romantic partners baby.

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writers-block246 · 4 years

Text

Bucky Barnes x Reader - The Light Amidst my Darkness

Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4,

Warning: Mentions of mental illness. I tried to present Bucky’s challenges as accurately as possible. However, if anyone has some suggestions as to better portray his illness and resulting therapy, please lmk! (I researched to depict his struggle with mental illness and the type of therapy he would recieve as accurately as I could). Curse words are also included.

Notes: Italics are thoughts and emphasis. Set before Infinity War and Endgame. Slow burn.

——————————————————————————

Chapter 5:

You were worried.

James hadn’t shown up to any of your recent sessions, and you had yet to glimpse those striking blue eyes.

What do I do now?

You were struggling with how to approach the subject. On one hand, you wanted to give him his space. On the other, however, you were worried that time away from your consistent sessions would only be detrimental.

To put it simply, you were running out of ideas.

You were already taking more strolls around the compound in hopes of seeing him. What I would do if I did run into him still remained a mystery, though. You dared to go to Fury, subtly inquiring over his whereabouts, and yet, according to the Director, no one had seen the sergeant. (Fury then told you to get your issue solved quickly. Although, his orders were a little more crude). You even went to his favorite coffee shop, though you suspected he wouldn’t be gracing it with his presence anytime soon.

Now, you were left with one option.

Steve Rogers.

Initially, you did not want to ask him for help because of his close relationship with James. You had even discussed confidentiality with Steve before. At this point though, you were willing to cross the confines of your profession, as long as it was for James’s well-being.

Whether you liked it or not, it was time to find Steve.

Sighing, you stood from your chair, ready to begin your journey to find the Captain.

And then a knock sounded at your office door.

Could it be...?

It wasn’t.

But it was the next best thing.

Standing at your door was Steve Rogers, in all his Captain America glory.

Huh, I must’ve summoned him.

The two of you made eye contact.

“Have you seen James?”

Well, so much for his help, you thought.

At the same time, both of you had inquired the same question of each other. Steve looked panicked, and you sighed. “No, I haven’t. Not since his last outburst.”

Steve was visibly upset. “I was hoping he had came back, but I should’ve known better. He’s stubborn as a mule.”

You snorted. “You got that right. Come on in.”

With that, Steve stepped around you and into your office.

Both of you taking a seat, you relayed to him what had happened during your last session.

Steve sighed. “I know he’s hard on himself because of what he’s been through. But he seemed to be doing so well with you.”

You nodded. “Yeah. Though to be completely honest, I was waiting for something like this to happen.”

Steve raised his head. “You were?”

“Definitely. It’s common, expected even, for patients with great mental trauma to act out and separate themselves from others. But with his background, handling the situation is very difficult and delicate. I mean, the first issue would be to find him, and no one, not even you, has seen him. Hell, we are literally dealing with an ex-assassin, here. I wish there was like—a book, or a manual over him, ” you gave a non-humorous laugh.

Steve looked thoughtful. “I might just know where he is, now that you mention it. Honestly, I can’t believe I didn’t think of it sooner,” he mumbled half to himself.

He stood, purposefully ignoring your confused expression.

“You’ll see him, soon,” he confidently stated as he strode out of the room.

Well, okay then.

Bucky didn’t know what to do.

You had to hate him now. He knew, he knew, his behavior was absolutely horrid. You had to fear him at this point. You had to see him as the monster everyone else did.

But oh, how he didn’t want you to.

He wanted, so desperately, to hide his outbursts from you. He had talked to you about them, yes, but he never wanted to actually show them to you.

He didn’t want you to leave him once you saw how bad he could really get.

The funny thing, though? You didn’t even look scared. You just sat there, waiting for him to finish. But it had to be a mask, right? You had to be scared of him. After all, everyone else was. The only time you showed any emotion was when he had called you a liar.

He didn’t mean it.

He was just so angry after his run-in with the man in the coffee shop. The stranger (and, really? A stranger had affected him this much? Pathetic) had confirmed his worst fears and destroyed one of his favorite places all in one go. And he didn’t know what to do. Where to go. Except to you. He had went to you for comfort (because you were his only true source of consolation, if he were to be honest), but the time spent making his way to you only served to make him feel more angry, more confused. His emotions came crashing over him like waves in the storm he is, and by the time he reached you, the only form of communication he could use was taking his frustration out on you. He couldn’t help himself, he just needed a release, and you were the closest person to direct it at.

And he knew, knows, you aren’t a liar. After all, you

truly didn’t think he was a monster. Or, at least, you didn’t before.

I’m sure you think differently now.

Even after everything, he still wanted to go back to you. To continue as if nothing ever happened. To have you comfort him. But he knew that was impossible.

Sighing, he strolled along the book store’s aisles, noticing a familiar head of blonde hair.

Steve.

James sighed, his friend truly did know him well. Maybe too well.

“Hey, Buck.”

James looked up from the book in his hands. “Couldn’t just leave me alone, could ya, punk?”

Steve smiled. “You know I can’t.”

Bucky sighed again. “I know why you’re here. Just spit it out already.”

“You need to go back. She really helps you, Buck. Don’t throw that away over one incident.”

“Incident?” James scoffed. “I destroyed her office.”

“Bucky, she’s a trained professional. She’s used to dealing with her patient’s emotions, good or bad. Hell, it’s her job.”

James looked down at his feet, shaking his head. “She has to hate me now. Or at the very least, not want to come anywhere near me.“

Steve laughed.

James whipped his head up. “What?” he snarled.

Steve laughed again. “It’s quite the opposite, pal.”

James looked confused. “What do you mean?”

“She’s been looking all over the tower for you, Buck. She’s been asking after you and everything. Even faced Fury’s wrath just to see if you were okay. She wants you to come back, pal.”

James gave a shaky breath. “She does?” he asked meekly.

“Yes. And you want to go back, too. Don’t deny it, I know you. Just do us all a favor and continue your sessions.”

A solemn look crossed the sergeant’s face. “The things I said to her, Steve. I—I don’t know if I can face her after that.”

Steve sighed. “Buck, look, I know you’re beating yourself up over it. But, she’s a trained professional, like I said. She’s used to outbursts and angry patients. She didn’t take anything you said to heart, not really. And she’s already forgiven you for it. Even though, and I quote, you “didn’t do anything that needed forgiveness.”’

James laughed shakily. “Yeah, that sounds like something she would say.”

Steve smiled. “So, it’s settled, then? You’ll go back?”

After a moments deliberation, James nodded.

Steve slapped a hand on his shoulder. “Alright, then. You’ve got an appointment.”

For the past few hours you had been busying yourself with work, trying to keep your mind off of James and whatever the hell Steve was up to.

Did Steve find him? Will—can—he get James to come back?

You had never been so tied up with a patient before. Sure, you worried over all of them and wished them the best. But this—this was different. You wanted—no needed—James to come back. You needed to make sure he was okay. You needed to see his smile again (and what a beautiful smile it was). You needed to make sure you didn’t lose a close friend, one who you had gotten to know very deeply over the past few months.

He wasn’t just a patient to you anymore.

And you were worried.

So, like any other healthy individual (ironic because of your profession), you dived into your work. You were so fixated on your task that you almost—almost— didn’t catch the timid knock on your door.

Your hand stilled on your piece of paper.

It’s him.

You just knew it was. You could feel it.

What do I do now?

Taking a deep breath, you steeled yourself and called for him to enter.

This is it.

He had become very comfortable with you over your time together. To the point where his silent steps has turned confident. Now, however, it seemed to be his first session, with how bashfully he entered your office.

“Take a seat, Mr. Barnes.”

“Bucky.”

You blinked. “What?”

“I think we’ve been through enough together that you can call me Bucky.”

Swallowing, you nodded. “Okay, Bucky. How are you doing today?”

He looked baffled. “So you’re just gonna pretend my whole scene didn’t happen?”

You smiled. “Look, Bucky. I’m used to that sort of thing. I deal with it, sometimes, on a daily basis. It happens. You were upset, and you acted on it. It’s as simple as that.”

He shook his head. “People don’t throw shit and cuss out their friends when they get mad.”

Laughing, you said: “Well, some do. But with your history of mental distress, it’s totally normal for you to get overwhelmed and need an outlet. I’m fine being that outlet, Bucky. I am your therapist.”

He frowned. “Aren’t you mad at me?”

Always so blunt. Gotta admire that, though.

You smiled once more. “No, Bucky. I was never mad.”

He looked a little shocked. “You weren’t?”

“No. Like I said, your behavior was totally normal. I’m not going to get mad at you when I completely understand where you were coming from.”

He snorted. “I take it Steve told you what happened.”

“Yes, and I’m glad he did. It helped me better understand what was going through that head of yours.”

He looked a little uncomfortable at that last statement, not quite ready to divulge his feelings. He needed a little time to get readjusted, and you were pretty sure he was still worried that you were mad at him. So, you changed the subject. “Anyway, where did Steve find you today?”

“A bookstore,” he quietly replied.

Your face lit up. “The one on 75th?”

He looked up in surprise. “Yeah. Have you been?”

You sighed blissfully. “Yes! It’s like my favorite place. Right after Fort Washington Park.”

He looked contemplative. “Hmm, I’ve never been to that park before.”

You smiled. “I highly recommend it. I love to just sit and read. A little break from all the chaos around here, ya know?”

He smiled ruefully. “Yeah, I think I get what you mean.”

You frowned. “You’re not part of the chaos, by the way. In fact, you make it all the more bearable.”

“I find that hard to believe,” he scoffed.

“I’m not lying, Bucky. I truly never have.”

He looked down at his lap. “I know.”

Relief settled in your stomach. You were so glad he didn’t truly think you a liar. Just as you had expected, those words were just out of anger—not at you.

You grinned. “Good. And I never will. I don’t make it a habit of lying to my friends.”

Because if there was one thing Bucky Barnes needed in this world, it was a friend.

-Admin Cheyenne :)

More chapters on the way!!

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