#my mom's tired of me and tells me to become independent. i hate myself for being 24 and still being a fkn child. but it scares me bc idk | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

beelzlikes · 9 months

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Fuck I'm pathetic. I'm so angry at myself. I want to destroy something beautiful, and my heart screams that I know it's wrong, that I'm just jealous.

Well I'd really like to be over it now. I'm tired of putting words in people's mouths. I'm tired of constantly thinking people hate me. I've become what I've never wanted to be, and I've hurt people in the process. Innocent people who didn't deserve to be hurt.

And then I type my emotions out on here and pretend no one reads them. Because if I say I'm on the brink of killing myself, and no one says anything, well that's just because nobody read it. It's not that they DID read it and decide they wouldn't say anything, that would be worse to imagine, so I don't imagine it. I imagine I'm alone. That no one is listening. Better to be ignored than to realize they ACTUALLY don't care.

And let's face it, you'd push them away too. No one wants to FIGHT someone for their love. It's not playing hard to get, it's being outright hostile towards people who approach you.

I can't go back. I've made my decisions. I can cry like a baby all I want. I just want it to be over now. I... don't want to be alone. But I've learned that is what I deserve.

"You don't honestly think they invited you over JUST for your company!"

Yes, Mother, you're right. I should have known better. Next time I'll bring cookies or chips or pop or something. To prove that I'm worth inviting over, that I actually bring something to the table.

"I hope you realize how selfish you're being."

Yes Dad, I do. Coming out as gay was devastating for you, I know. It was the first sign that signaled your long-term investment was going sour. I'll remember to never bring up my sexuality with you ever again.

"Hey Mom, do you ever... just... feel like... crying?" "Well of course I do, son, but I don't go around TELLING people about it."

Oh... okay... I just uh... I won't mention it again then. Sorry for bringing it up.

"Hey Dad sorry about my breakdown, thanks for lending me money and letting me stay at your house." "I'm just so disappointed in you, it's been three weeks and you still don't have a job. I have a plan for my life, Vincent, and it doesn't involve taking care of YOU!"

I... didn't realize... I was just trying to get better and... yeah, okay... find a job... move out... be independent... no one is going to help you... you have to do it all on your own.

If you can't, you're a failure and deserve the ridicule of those who come to rescue you. If they come at all.

What good are parents? You're just an investment for them for when they get old, they have someone obligated to take care of them. What good are friends? All they want is whatever they can get out of you, and if you can't provide you might as well not be there.

What good is love? All it does is cloud my judgement and make me say and do stupid things. It's a dagger slipped into my side, between the ribs, and you can't help but touch it, feel its sting, remember it's still there lodged in deep.

I want a lobotomy. I want to be nothing. I want my outside demeanor to match my inside demeanor so that nobody gets fooled again into thinking I'm a real person. I'm not real. I'm not actually here.

I'm just a ghost that haunts the living.

#don't read this #personal #public private journal #i... i'm sorry #if only you all had never known me #if only i had been strong enough from the beginning to live on my own to not go crawling back to Nich...#Owen... i wronged you by comparing myself to you - it was an insult at best and intentionally harmful at worst #you didn't deserve the animosity i felt towards... not even YOU but myself!#and Trevor... i keep calling you a kid again as an insult #i want to hurt you to make you feel small to invalidate your wants and decisions by harping on your age #because it's much easier than admitting it was a mistake to lead you on in the first place - that I should have known better from the start #Kip... I tried to ignore you at first because I was afraid of you #i was surrounded by people NICH knew that NICH was friends with and I had to keep it a secret that NICH was my ex #i assumed you would just fall in line with the rest #thank you Kip for being the only one to NOT tell me I needed to go see a therapist #that's how I know someone is done caring - when they say 'you should probably see someone about that'#it means: they no longer know what to do so they push you off onto someone else who professionally HAS to care #when you say 'wow have you thought of seeing a therapist' that instantly tells me you're checked out and you no longer want to hear it #i'm so tired... i'm so bored... i'm so lonely... and pathetic... and it's all my fault #fuck therapy anyway all my therapist LEAVE!!#fucking most recent therapist was pregnant and was only going to see me for a few weeks before sending me to someone else #pour my heart out in front of someone only to get nowhere and then have to do it all over again with a completely NEW one?#i've done that like SIX times now I'm so FUCKING tired of talking about it!! i just want someone to UNDERSTAND!!

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wanderinguncertainty · 9 months

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Trauma

How do you overcome your trauma?

I've been trying to figure out how to overcome my trauma for the longest time but it seems that all my efforts are in vain. I'm still the same. I still don't make progress to overcome these traumas. I'm still manifesting all my traumas by how I respond to every situation. It's so obvious, and what I hate the most is that, I am fully aware of my traumas but why? Why can't I heal myself?

Everything rooted since my father left us. I developed fear of abandonment, that's the main reason why I always tend to push people away or tend to put boundaries when I'm becoming close to someone. I don't like the feeling of abandoned and to avoid it, I always make the first move to abandon them or draw a line between us. I always push away the people who loves me or wants to love me. I don't like emotional attachments yet I want to be with them. I want them in my life. I want to smile with them, laugh with them, hangout with them and the list goes on and on.

I always say that I am a strong and independent woman but the truth is, I also want to feel vulnerable. I want to depend on my family, my friends, my loved ones.. but it's so hard for me to depend on them. Not because they aren't dependable, but I always feel like I'm a burden when I depend on them. I feel like I'm bothering them big time. Growing up as well, I have no one to rely on. Since my mom is busy working for us to live, I only depend on myself. If I have problems, I'll solve them on my own. I figure everything out on my own. I keep everything to myself. And that's how I became hyper-independent. I want to let go being independent but it's so hard for me to let go. I can't swallow yet the thought of me being a burdensome.

I have trust issues, especially with men. I guess, this trauma came into existence when people I love promised me of something yet broke their promise. Just like what my father did. He promised me of having a complete and happy family yet here we are.. I'm tired of people giving me false hopes. Promising me that they are there for me in times of hardship yet can't find them when I fall into pit of darkness. Promising me that they'll never leave me alone, that I won't be alone yet I always find myself being alone. I mean, I get it. I'm not their obligation but stop. Just stop making me feel like you're there when in fact you're not. This is also the main reason why I prefer being alone, why I prefer to keep everything to myself, why I cannot open up to people. I'm afraid that they might use my weakness, my scars and bruises against me. Somehow, this issue is related to my hyper-independence. I only trust 2 men in my life, my brother and my best friend. For my best friend, it took me a lot of courage to bring my walls down but I'm glad it's worth it. I'm still trying to learn to trust people, but I guess it will take time. Though there are people whom I trust, but yeah, I'm still learning.

I tend to bottle up my feelings. I always feel I am too much for someone and I'm afraid that if I pour out my feelings and thoughts to them, I might not stop. I'm afraid to drown them with these overflowing complex feelings. So instead of telling how I feel, what upsets me, why I'm sad and all complicated emotions, I bottle them up and tell everyone that it's okay, I'm okay and they have nothing to worry. I guess this trait is also related on me being hyper-independent since I'm used to being alone and having no one to listen. But sometimes, I just wanna vent out all my feelings. I'm tired of carrying all these extra baggage. I wanna unpacked them, let them out. I'm doing it somehow by expressing myself to this blog. I wish I could express myself more and I hope I can express myself to people as well.

I really wish and hope I can heal myself. I hope I can overcome these traumas. I still have a lot but I'm gonna stop here for now. I wish I can open myself more to everyone.

I guess my inner child is disappointed and still despondent. I'm sorry, my inner child. Instead of helping you to heal, I keep on scolding and hurting you.

To myself, my inner child and the ones that I love, please be patient with me. I'm trying.

#personal #thoughts #life #trauma #childhood trauma #healing #healing journey

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purplesurveys · 1 year

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1618

Do you often find yourself eating just because you're bored? Hmm, not really. I usually feed myself only once the feeling of hunger starts to become too uncomfortable. As for being bored...I have a small stomach as it is (even when hungry), so eating when I’m not even craving anything would typically make me waste food, which I never want to end up doing.

Have you ever peed with the bathroom door open? Only when nobody is home, or when I’m sure no one’s gonna walk past at that moment.

Have you ever heard of the Japanese Chin dog breed before this survey? Sure, but only because I’ve seen this survey go around every now and then.

Have you or anyone you know been to rehab? No. Do we even have reputable rehab centers here? That’s more of a question to myself, by the way... because I don’t think we have any. Filipino culture tends to just shame whoever’s struggling and never actually comes up with the means to help.

Do you wish your family was bigger or smaller? I don’t have an opinion; I don’t see why family size should be something I should be actively caring about.

Are you a sex addict? No.

Have you ever had a boyfriend/girlfriend taken from you? Nope.

If so, what would you like to do to the person who took them from you? I can’t relate.

Have you ever been cheated on? If so, have you forgiven them? I haven’t been cheated on, at least I don’t think I’ve been.

Quick! Tell me the name of your favorite movie. Two for the Road.

Are you a teen mom? Nope.

Say you had a baby with the last person you touched, what's the last name? I’m not sharing surnames of anyone from my circle. Besides, I don’t even remember who I last got into physical contact with hahaha.

Do you wear make up? Never unless I’m going to a work event or if I’ve got big plans with my friends. I like how I look with makeup but it’s just too much work.

Do you wear water bras? Idek what that is?

If you aren't a girl, have you ever stuffed your pants? I’m a girl.

Have you ever sent an anon hate message, be honest now. NEVER. What is the fucking point. Don’t be an ass.

Biggest fear, pick ONE. Getting caught in a fire.

The only place your singing sounds good is in the shower. True or false? No I suck there too. Would you let someone give you a golden shower for a million dollars? When it comes down to it? I probably would; 50 million pesos is a shitload of money that can last me 10 lifetimes. I can also easily spend half of it washing myself up LMAO so whatever. But I also know that this is most definitely one of those easier-said-than-done scenarios, so I don’t know what I’d actually decide.

If not, how much money would they have to pay you? I already took up the hypothetical offer, so.

Have you ever swung on a tire swing? I don’t think I have actually.

Have you ever swung on a swing so high, you feared your life? Not me, but my aunts who used to watch me.

Best quality in a guy, pick one. Funny and independent. Describe your perfect first date. If we can go to a museum where we can stroll and appreciate on our own and they don’t chat me up the entire time, that would be great. Then dinner somewhere fancyish but not too snobby; and some sort of fun activity afterwards like darts or bowling or going to a stand-up show.

Is this the Krusty Krab? God I’m glad this survey is ending.

First thing that comes to your mind when I say Giggity The dude from Family Guy.

What's the grossest thing that dogs do? My dogs have done all sorts of weird things that nothing really fazes me now.

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dreamiesdiary · 2 years

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#6: My goals & my whys.

Obviously, I haven’t been able to post or wake up at 6 AM consistently. UGGGGGGHHH.

I’m so tired these days. I feel like I have no energy, just want to nap, want to be alone, yet also not want to be alone... idk what’s going on with me and this summer heat is not helping at all.

There’s so much I want to do. So much I want to change. And yet I am still the fucking same. SIGH.

Okay, OKAY. Let’s TRY THIS AGAIN.

Where and why did it not work out? Maybe... maybe it’s the fact that I don’t have a goal to focus on. I have all these desires and wants but... they haven’t been turned into goals that can be achieved. But there is also another thing that I need to remember too. When I have a goal there needs to be a WHY.

Which means: I need to set a legit goal (what I want to achieve) for myself and give the motivation to why it matters.

MY GOALS:

1. Get my driver’s license.

Why does it matter?

I want to be able to take myself to places on my own.

I want to be able to help and take my loved ones around, and be relied on.

I don’t want to keep relying on others.

I can go to bookstores and coffee shops, parks and maybe even to classes!

2. Get to 120 Ibs.

Why does it matter?

First off, this is just a goal to keep myself active and strong. I know me losing weight will help me to:

Live healthier and longer.

Have a better quality of life

(not tired everyday, full of energy during the right times, improved mood)

I also don’t want to end up with health problems or health scares like my parents (mom’s side has high bp while dad’s side has kidney problems).

I get to feel and look good in cute clothes!

3. Find a job.

Why does it matter?

I need money to buy all the things I love (books, clothes, more books lol).

I want to be able to invest in myself (therapy, learning a new language/skill).

I want to be able to afford a place for myself.

I want to be able to buy gifts to my loved ones.

I want to be able to afford experiences (traveling, services, places etc).

I want to be able to financially help my loved ones in case there are emergencies.

4. Finish my fanfic by October..

Why does it matter?

Okay, so I am thinking about maybe becoming an author. And I guess you can say it’s a dream of mine to have my own book series published. But before that, I have to grow as a writer.

I need to grow an audience.

I want to be able to actually finish something.

I need to practice my writing craft.

I want to tell my own stories and move the people who read them.

5. Do the splits by the end of the year.

Why does it matter?

This is a goal to keep myself stretching everyday.

I don’t want to feel stiff and tight anymore.

I want to be flexible.

I want to be bendy in bed LOL (blushing, but it’s a decent reason).

6. Be in a healthy relationship with myself.

Why does it matter?

Isn’t it obvious? I only have myself to love and care about.

If I can’t love myself, my life always be unbearable.

I want to be able to rely and trust myself.

I want to love myself unconditionally.

I want to live my life not hating who I am.

If I can love and cherish who I am, I can do it easily for other people too.

7. Read at least 25 books this year (already at 13 books).

Why does it matter?

To hone my writing skills.

To be inspired by stories and create my own.

To learn new things.

To question and understand human nature and thoughts.

So now I got the goals I want to achieve on here (well, the ones so far). Guess this explains why waking up early didn’t stick at all. I didn’t go into the why. Actually, I feel like this list of goals isn’t really... how do I say this... it’s not big? For example, I want to get my DL and a job because my goal is to be independent.

But then again, that’s just the dreaming. Not the action.

Anyways, the next step is to go on to the WHATS. What am I going to do in order to reach the goal?

But seeing that this is already a long post, I’ll stop here. I will link the next post HERE once I post it.

This post was inspired by this video here. I think I might make a list of some self-improvement videos that I used to help me on this journey.

#tumblr diary #diary entry #goals #2022 goals #self improvement #struggling with this self improvement thing #self growth #self love #dreamies diary

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broomswept-thoughts · 2 years

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I have a lot of feelings right now.

I’m upset because Tammy always makes these innuendos that I’m really rich? Which is kinda weird and also makes me feel bad. I feel like she’s guilt-tripping me whenever I do things that don’t require me to be tired, unhappy, or feel bad. I feel like she’s resentful when I can leave and do things beyond her that I enjoy or make me happy. I feel like she’s also resentful that my family is more well-off than her family. These are things that might also be a source of guilt for me too, and I find it difficult to separate my feelings of guilt with if she’s really being passive aggressive towards me. I also feel like even if she is being passive aggressive, I don’t have the right to say anything because I’m more well-off and that I deserve being told and treated this way/ it’s the least that I can do for her to be her punching bag in that sense. But I also really dislike it. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do because I don’t want to be that rich person who’s disconnected and complaining about poor people? Am I just an over-privileged bitch lmao? But it feels really weird, I felt like when I left for NYC, I felt for the first time that I was allowed to express my happiness and joy of doing things, even if it cost money. I felt like with Tammy, I’m always walking on eggshells in terms of how good I’m allowed to have it. I really hate it, I don’t think it should be a crime to not do work or to take a break or to have fun? I feel pressured to not speak of it or to not express it if it’s independent of her. I feel tied down, like I’m not allowed to be happy without her.

I think it’s hard because it’s in part my guilt and in part feeling prickled and unsure about what to say to make it stop.

The whole bs with okaasan about not wanting to talk about med school apps was also so upsetting. I just feel tired of her and SImo and just many people telling me that I’m some form of disappointment, lack understanding or wisdom/ knowledge/ empathy/ qualifications in some manner that’s beyond me and was never made clear. I’m really tired, but it’s also vaguely funny how similar Simo and my mom are. Absolutely shreked emotionally and throwing around their baggage at other people. Being really flawed? Egotistical and narcissistic? Probably good people at heart except when they don’t get what they want? Oh yes, absolutely. I want to flee Baltimore and Maryland for this purpose. I can’t really take this at close proximity for longer than the year.

I’m constantly ???. Like what am I doing wrong? Am I treating people that badly? That I don’t even deserve guidance on what I’m doing wrong or how to be better? Am I so absolutely flawed in their eyes that it’s not worth telling or taking the time to teach me what to do? I feel exhausted by these older adult-children, and I’m genuinely impressed that they’ve made it this far in life by throwing their egos at people to make it their problem instead. I also wonder if I’m treating my friends not well enough, if that’s why they feel like they have to be passive aggressive at me in order for me to take a hint that I’m not treating them well. Am I taking them for granted too much? What am I doing wrong, how can I fix it. What’s wrong with me? What do I need to do to be a better person and friend? I’m so tired. Maybe I’m just deluded in thinking that I’ve come far or that I’ve become better.

But this gets into the circle of not knowing what better is as a person, because I’m the only one who can quantify that. Treating myself with compassion is so hard when everyone tells you that you couldn’t possibly deserve it, that I only deserve more pain in order to prove myself, that only people who suffer deserve kindness and if you’re not suffering, you deserve vitriol. I don’t want to suffer, and I want to receive kindness without having to show that I’m in pain or that I’m suffering all the time. Doesn’t everyone deserve kindness? Yes, people who are in pain deserve kindness, but kindness shouldn’t be a limited resource where the only thing left when kindness is gone, is just meanness and snide jabs.

If Tammy isn’t going to treat me as I am, and if okaasan and Simo are going to be done with me as a human being apparently, then I’m still going to be fine. It’s hard, but maybe all three of them see suffering as a pre-requisite for treating someone without resentment. I don’t think I can do well being open or constantly in their presence in any emotionally vulnerable way. I’m being sucked down, and I’m tired of having to prove my suffering to be heard or to be cared about. It sounds toxic to me. None of them really hate me on a personal level or want to consciously hurt me, but I just think they’re lazy about how they treat others and want everyone else to be traumatized, hurt in the same way and for only themselves to be treated kindly. And I’m sorta sick and done with that. I don’t want to be around people who treat others less well but expect that people treat them with the utmost respect and niceties. I think it’s shameless and exhausting.

I’m most disappointed about Tammy, I guess. I thought she would be more careful with her words and all, but maybe I’m the only one who cares so much about the words and tone that people level towards me. I thought she would maybe understand that she sounds passive aggressive towards me or resentful constantly. But I’m not sure if that’s even worth my time. Maybe. Sigh. I think she’s the most.... maybe open to hearing me out. I just really hate being here, I don’t have good memories of Baltimore beyond Julia and Quey.

I guess I might talk to her about it and see how it goes.

I can’t do much about Simo and okaasan. Which is unfortunate, but the only way out is through, and I’m just going to have to grit my teeth to succeed this year alone. At least I have Tes, for lab. And there’s distance enough from Bethesda, although there can definitely be more.

The last thing that makes me depressed as fuck is probably my labmates. They never respond to me when I say anything in the groupchat, so I’m just kind of tired and done. I don’t want to only be seen when I’m being made into a spectacle. I’m not here for that either, and I kind of can’t care about being buddies with them all either. It’s tiring, and I don’t need their companionship if I have a couple friends outside of them in Baltimore. I guess it hurts to be ostracized, but this is another thing that I’ll just have to endure before I can leave.

I feel better after typing all this. Last night was hard because all of these thoughts were popping up one after the other like a whack a mole lol before I went to sleep.

Oh, and the last things in my mind.... I mean, I don’t know if I have the emotional capability to really think about it seriously about how I feel about Quey. Talking with him definitely makes me feel happy and more alive, but also maybe I’m just looking for a talking friend? I’m always stuck wondering if I like someone platonically (like an exclusive platonic bff) or romantically. I guess it’s hard, when I was really still much more hung up over Duncan, part of it was that I felt like I was really special to him? But in the end, I’m not really sure. I don’t really feel like being in a serious romantic relationship with anyone, I just kinda don’t feel like trusting people much anymore. I guess Hinge is fun, but I also don’t see myself as seriously dating anyone anymore. I can’t imagine it. It would shock me if I dated anyone at all, much less this year. I just like to think about it as a mental distraction from all of the emotional crap laying on me recently.

#reflection

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tojiot · 3 years

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ooh have about the main three with the fake dating trope :D

fake dating the main three

gn!reader, cursing here and there, typos and grammatical errors to be edited, past tense - present tense swerving to be fixed.

note: i was on vacation for 2 days without internet and i have bakugo's done in my notes but my phone died before i can even save it :D this will be kinda long because i went ahead of myself and detailed it exactly how i want. this is not betaed. please do tell me if there's a non they/them pronouns in here. hope you'll enjoy this!

requests are: open!

ㅡ bakugo

i spent the whole day thinking about how he'll agree to fake date. let's just say he's the one in need.

his mom has been bothering him for a long time now. she wants to see katsuki bring home a partner for them to meet.

it's a pain in the ears and he's very TIRED so he decided to just fake date somebody.

the only person he can tolerate in class a aside from kirishima is you. he doesn't care about the other extras.

he'll search for you in the heights' lounge area and ask to talk.

"hey, can we talk?" he grumbles, "uhh, sure? do you want to talk here or somewhere private?" "somewhere private."

when you guys are in a more private area, he'd glare at you for a minute, it'll make you wonder if you did something wrong, before finally speaking.

"date me for a fucking day."

you'll snort at what he said and laugh thinking it was a joke but the annoyed and impatient look on his face says otherwise.

"wait.. are you for real?" "what do you think, shithead?"

bakugo trusts you so much that you have this significant role to play in his life.

you agreed, of course. it's the bakugo katsuki asking for your help. a once in a lifetime chance. (you just like him, stop making things up)

he brings you to the bakugo household the day after and his house is BIG big.

mitsuki, his mom, welcomes you with a big smile and a hug. he then glares at his son, "WHY ARE YOU ONLY BRINGING THIS PRETTY LITTLE CREATURE NOW, YOU BRAT?" "SHUT UP, OLD HAG! BE NICE OR I AIN'T BRINGING THEM HERE NO MORE."

masaru, who's just sitting there at the couch like nothing's happening, gives you a wave.

the dinner was good. his mom's a great cook, his father's a chatterbox. what surprised you the most was how quiet katsuki is. you're not sure why. maybe he's like this at home? quiet, calm, just serene.

"it's not everyday i see a person who can tame my brat of a son. i can see why he likes you, (y/n)." his mom beams at you, "you're pretty, a kind little one too. take care of my son, will ya?"

not knowing what to say, you smiled at her and said what's currently inside your mind, "if he'll let me, i'll take care of him for the rest of my life." you looked down, "but knowing katsuki, he doesn't need anyone to take care of him. he's strong and independent and he knows it. it'll hurt his pride if someone helps him without him asking them to." you smiled to yourself, "i just hope he knows that when he needs me, i'll always be here for him."

mitsuki smiled at you in awe. you have the mother's approval, congrats!

katsuki just stared at you with furrowed eyebrows, masaru pats his back, "good job, son. i'm happy for you."

he then murmured a protest before drinking his water.

time passed by and it's eventually your time to say goodbye to the bakugos.

mitsuki hugs you for the last time and ask you to come have dinner with them again, masaru pats your head and thanks you for being there for his son.

both of you were in a car provided by the school for safety protocols when he spoke, "did you mean it?"

you looked at him, confused, "mean what?" "what you said earlier to my mom, shithead. did you mean it?" "well, yeah. i mean it when i say i'll always be here for you."

he wore this unreadable and unclear expression on his face. he looks mad? confused? no one knows.

"why?" he asked, "why what?" "WHY DO YOU KEEP MAKING ME REPEAT MYSELF. WHY DID YOU SAY IT?" "YOU'RE A FRIEND OF MINE, THAT'S IT."

he chuckled bitterly, "a friend. that's fucking funny. i literally though you also like me for a second."

huh.. what does he mean? also? you laughed nervously, "hey, did i hear you right? thought i heard 'also' there."

"you're fucking dense, aren't you? do you want me to scream it straight at your face? i fucking like you."

you froze. yes, but embarrassment caught up and you covered your reddened face, "WHY ARE YOU SUDDENLY CONFESSING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT? WHAT DO YOU EXPECT ME TO SAY?"

"I AIN'T EXPECTING YOU TO SAY ANYTHING, SHITHEAD!" "I LIKE YOU TOO!" "SHUT THE FUCK UP I DON'T WANT YOUR PITY OF A CONFESSION." "IT'S NOT A PITY OF A CONFESSION BUT FINE! I DON'T LIKE YOU." "OKAY THEN. I'M BRINGING SOMEONE ELSE NEXT DINNER AND TELL THE OLD HAG WE BROKE UP." "NOOOOOOO!!"

ㅡ todoroki

i was contemplating whether to have him help fake date or have him need help. it's fitting if he's the one in need so i decided just that.

he might seem dense and clueless most of the time but he's the epitome of evilness.

he talks about you all the time that's why fuyumi has taken a liking to you and asked shoto to invite you to dinner with them.

shoto sees this as a chance. he'll take advantage of the situation because he knows you won't say no.

he goes to where you are sitting, "i apologize but my sister, fuyumi, she thinks we're dating. she wants to invite you to dinner at our house later." he said that with a straight face but this mf is smirking on the inside.

"uhhh, okay? sure? but uhm, why would she think we're dating?" "she thinks everyone close to me is dating me. she's like that.. yes. fuyumi likes you the most, i think. that's.. uh, that's why she's inviting you to dinner." (I HC HIM AS A BAD LIAR)

sounds suspicious and weird, but okay? you have a lot of question in mind.

"i would go. but how should i act? why didn't you tell her we aren't dating though?" "i don't want to disappoint my sister. you can act like you're dating me, if it's fine with you. just for a day."

"sure, sure! just tell me where and what time. i'll be there." "no, you can come with me. we'll go there together."

he brings you to the todoroki household after class. their house is soooo pretty. it's a traditional japanese house.

fuyumi was the first one to greet you, with her sparkling eyes and bright smile, she held both your hands gently and said, "i'm so glad you came! i've been wanting to ask shoto to have you come eat with us. thank you for coming!"

natsuo jogged from the back and gave you a cool wave, "hey, (y/n). how was it dealing with shoto?"

you faked sighed, "awful. how did you deal with him for the last 16 years?" "we never did." "oh.... OH NO I'M SORRY!" "HAHAHA. it's fine, i'm just kidding. no biggie."

enji won't be home for the day. he's busy doing number 1 hero works.

the dinner was fun. it was the funniest dinner you have ever had.

shoto's quietness is the exact opposite of natsuo's talkativeness. that man is talkative and funny as fuck. throwing jokes everywhere. it was entertaining.

all shoto did was take care of you. he serves you all the food you point at, gets you water, he even went too close for comfort and wiped a stain just above your lips. it made you blush, yes. you don't know why but it left you lightheaded. (you're in love with him, that's why)

fuyumi.. our beautiful and beloved fuyumi.

she exposed his brother's ass.

"aww. you guys are so cute together. ah! (y/n), do you remember that time when.. uhm, kaminari was it? i forgot his name but do you remember that time where he told you, midoriya, and the girls to wear a maid costume for the festival because your class is having a maid cafe booth? shoto told me you were so pretty that time! he hated how the boys in your class looked at you like you were some sweet treat, isn't that right, shoto?"

"and do you remember when you fought bakugo at the sports festival? where it was a close fight and you gave him a hard time? shoto said you won if the decision was up to him and that you were so cool!"

and she went on and on.

shoto was red as a tomato (or even redder) beside you. he was clutching his pants as if he was asking the floor to just eat him up.

you decided to ask him about this later to not uncover the fake dating plan.

dinner ended after a little talking, fuyumi gave you leftovers to take home which you will not reject because her cooking is divine, and asked you to come again after giving you a big and warm hug.

natsuo gave you a high five and thanked you for coming. he also thanked you for laughing at his jokes. he feels like he's very funny now.

both said goodbye to shoto.

the journey back to the heights was quiet but not awkward. it seems like shoto knew you have a lot in mind.

you spoke when he's about to open the main door. "what was that?" he looked at you with a confused expression, "the one at dinner."

"ah, if it isn't obvious yet after my sister opened her mouth, i like you. i have been for a long time now." he said that with a deadpan expression, "it annoyed me at first, it annoyed me that you're in my mind whenever i try to sleep, you're in my mind everytime i wake up. it annoyed me that i want nothing more than to hold you near me, hold your hands, warm you up with my fire everytime you feel cold, hug you, kiss you." he sighed frustratedly, "i just want to do everything with you... i'm sorry. i'm not good with words."

WELL YOU DID NOT EXPECT HIM TO BE THIS STRAIGHTFORWARD.

but again, this is todoroki shoto.

"..what? shoto... i didn't know you felt that way. why didn't you tell me?" you asked him concernedly, you lifted your hand to hold his face but stopped halfway thinking maybe he doesn't want to be touched.

but then he held your hand and guided it to hold his face, "i didn't actually plan to confess but when people started talking about how good of a hero you'd become in the future and when everyone started saying they all want to date you, that's when i decided it's now or never." he looked at your eyes, "i don't want to lose this chance. that's why i started telling fuyumi stories about you and asking her what to do."

"is that why your sister thought we were dating?" "yes. she knows about how i feel for you. she told me to confess and i told her i did and that it went well. i lied to her. i don't know why."

you coughed, "so, she doesn't really think everyone close to you is dating you?" "yes." "you lied to me?" "yes, i apologize."

"you could have told me you like me too!?" "it's not that easy to confess. plus, i really wanted to know how everything will go. it went well, i'm satisfied. you like me too, right?" "i do, shoto. i like you so much." he smiled at you, that rare fucking smile he knows is pretty, "that's enough for me."

"BUT YOU TOOK ADVANTAGE OF EVERYTHING?" "yes. yes, i did." "WHAT THE HELL'S WRONG WITH YOU!!?" "date me, (y/n)" "OKAY!"

ㅡ midoriya

a lot of guys from the other class have been bothering you. they kept on asking for your number and stuff. one even sent you flowers and a box of chocolates.

you appreciate it if you're being honest. what you don't appreciate is them sticking to you the whole lunch.

you told mina what's happening and she told you that the best shot of getting off those admirers of yours is to date somebody.

you don't wanna to that though. aside from focusing on studies, you have feelings for this certain someone with green messy hair and freckles. you don't want to date someone just to use them and lie to them.

"you know, what if you just get your shit together and confess to midoriya?" "MINA, BE QUIET! SOMEONE MIGHT HEAR YOU!" "confess to midoriya!" she whispired.

"or just ask him to date you until your followers stop following you around?" kaminari interjects, "what, you mean like, fake date him?" "yeah. something like that." "you're really useful sometimes, aren't you?" "shut up, mina."

you've thought about it all night. would izuku think i'm using him? would he reject the idea? would he be mad about it?

after contemplating, you finally went out of your room and walked straight at his door. he opened it with a smile after 3 knocks.

"hey, (y/n)! how can i help you?"

you looked at him nervously. what you were about to ask is a big part to act. "i will get straight to the point. some people from the other classes have been bothering me for a while now. they keep on following me and asking for my number even though i rejected them all the time. i want to ask you if you could date me? IT'S FAKE! OF COURSE. will you please fake date me until they get off me? i, uh, i'm not taking advantage of your kindness. i promise. right?" you said with a shaking voice.

he laughed at your rambling, "no need to be nervous, (y/n)! i would love to do the honors and fake date you! it's like an undercover hero mission. it's so cool! when do we start?"

you smiled at his enthusiasms. izuku is really the kindest person here on earth. you told him what to do, who those people are, etc. your fake dating starts tomorrow.

izuku was waiting outside your door when you opened it, he has his usual beaming smile when you saw him, "hi, (y/n)! ready to start our mission?" he's surely so into this whole thing.

you both walked down the lounge area holding each other's hand. everyone was gaping at the sight except todoroki who remained munching on his sandwich and bakugo who, well, "fucking finally you idiots." he said.

izuku let go of your hand and held both his hands up while shaking his head in a panicky manner, "no, no! we're just fake dating. i'm helping (y/n) get rid of their admirers! they said it was bothering them!"

"okay. but (y/n), why deku?" the motherfucker was smirking at you. todoroki, bless him, caught the panic in your eyes and called bakugo off. "that's enough, bakugo. leave them alone." "tsk! fucking icyhot a fucking killjoy."

most of your admirers stopped following you after they saw you holding hands with izuku. he's been doing a lot for you. he tried to tie your hair at training and brought you water. nothing much happened inside the classroom because everyone knows it's just a show. lots of outsiders believe you're dating izuku. some still bothers you from time to time especially at lunch.

you were sitting with bakugo, todoroki, kirishima, and of course, izuku, when a group of 3 went to your table (they're brave. no one would come bother bakugo's table because everyone's terrified of him.)

"hey, (y/n). can you give me your number now? i just wanted to get to know you better." "(y/n) give me your number! i'll send you lots of chocolates. i promise!" "they're liars but i'm not. i'd take you to your favorite movie this sunday of you'll give me your number?"

you pursed your lips in an annoyed manner, your friends are here and they're embarrassing you. you were about to speak when izuku beats you to it, "please stop bothering (y/n). it's obvious that my partner doesn't want to give you their number."

the group stared at each other with bewildered expressions on their faces, one looked at izuki and asked, "partner? you mean, combat partner or boyfriend? (y/n)'s dating someone?"

izuku wore a prideful expression on his face, "yes, i am their boyfriend and they're dating someone. that's why with all due respect, please leave them alone."

the 3 backed out and apologized. not everyone has the same personality as mineta. the person who seemed like their leader walked forward and bowed, "we're so sorry. we should've stopped when they rejected us the first time. they're just so intriguing that's why we wanted to know more about them. we're really sorry." with that, they left.

you faced izuku and thanked him. it was nice to finally walk and look around without seeing unfamiliar faces follow you. "thank you so much, izuku! you saved me. really."

he smilled at you, "it's nothing! i'd do anything for (y/n)." izuku froze at what he said and started chuckling anxiously, "i.. i didn't mean it like that! hahaha! but if you need anything, i, uhm, i'd always be glad to help." you stared at him and said, "me too, izuku. i'd always be glad to help you! you can come to me everytime you need something." he blushed at what you said.

"FUCKING IDIOTS JUST GET TOGETHER ALREADY! I'M TIRED OF HEARING BOTH YOUR SHIT! CONFESS TO EACH OTHER GODDAMNIT!" "oi bakugo. that's not how to do it." "SHUT UP SHITTY HAIR!" "bakugo, you're too noisy." "YOU HALF AND HALF BASTARD I'M TIRED OF YOU TOO!"

izuku coughed tensely, "(y/n), can i talk to you outside? i just need to tell you something." you nodded, "of course!" you both stood up and left the table of wild animals.

when the two of you got outside, izuku's hands were obviously shaking so without a thought, you held it. "are you okay?" "I AM... i am." "why are you acting like this? did something happen?" you asked worriedly.

"no, everything's fine. i just.. i don't know how it started but i just woke up one day thinking how i'd love you to be mine. i want to walk you to school, i want to tell everyone i'm your boyfriend, i want to kiss you good night. haha, is it to much to ask, (y/n)? i like you a lot." he told you that nervously, the boy was shaking and sweating.

"i can't believe it... izuku, i like you too. oh god, are you serious?" "i am, haha! i didn't know you feel the same. i'm really happy!" "i didn't know you feel the same too! half of our classmates knew that i like you. katsuki's just too noisy. he literally told everyone when you did extra training." "(y/n).. kacchan also knows about my feelings for you! he told todoroki and kirishima. is that why he's so persistent in getting us together?" "i don't know. that's just how he is."

you both were awkward as fuck but izuku asked if you'd like to date for real and you said yes.

when you came back to the table, it was bakugo who spoke first, "are you idiots finally together?" you replied to him with a middle finger which aggravated the blondie, "YOU FUCKER!"

544 notes · View notes

melanielocke · 3 years

Text

Lost in the Shadows - Chapter 28

AO3

Taglist: @alastaircarstairsdefenselawyer @foxglove-airmid @alastair-esfandiyar-carstairs1 @justanormaldemon @styxdrawings @ipromiseiwillwrite @a-dream-dirty-and-bruised@alastair-appreciation-month

Previous Chapter: Chapter 27

Next Chapter: Chapter 29

Ultimately, Thomas had to admit there was no way he was getting back to his bedroom without help, and his father drove him even though it was usually close enough to walk. Alastair and Lucie were still there, in conversation with Barbara, but Thomas barely had the strenght to stand up, much less join the conversation, so he only kissed Alastair quickly and went to bed. He would have a conversation with his parents about their protectiveness tomorrow, he told himself.

He slept restlessly that night. He dreamt of the land in between, of the dark ruins and the castle they would become. At some point the dream became increasingly weirder as he ended up running from an army of evil socks. It took a few moments when he woke up to realize that it was a dream, there were no socks attacking him. How did an army of socks even make sense?

He was drenched in sweat and felt disgusting. Part of him wanted to get out of bed to shower and clean up, but that also sounded like a lot of effort and Thomas didn’t feel like he had the strenght to do much more than move from his bed to the couch. Part of him considered just staying in bed, but bed was too wet and gross. He wasn’t sure how he’d managed to sweat this much, he never sweat much when he worked out.

He managed to find a towel to dry off with and a clean pajama to change into, and went to the living room carrying two plush owls. After boiling some water and making tea, Thomas collapsed onto the couch. That appeared to be enough exercise for today.

It wasn’t much later when his parents came into the living room, and Thomas braced him for the inevitable worry.

‘How are you feeling, Tommy?’ his mother asked.

He could lie and say he was feeling better, but he also didn’t think he’d be able to get off the couch. They’d see through him anyway.

‘Like a wet towel,’ Thomas said.

Sophie picked up the thermometer and said down next to him.

‘I can take my own temperature,’ Thomas said, a bit more harsh than he’d intended.

His mother looked hurt, although she tried to conceal it. Thomas was adept at looking behind the masks people put on, or perhaps he just was more sensitive to the parts of someone’s body language other people didn’t think about. This would have been a lot easier if he didn’t notice how he made his mother feel.

‘I’m sorry,’ he said. ‘It’s just that… I don’t like being taken care of. I don’t like being treated as if I’m helpless.’

‘But you are sick,’ his mother said, a bit unsure. ‘You don’t have to do everything by yourself.’

‘I know,’ Thomas said. ‘But I’ve been sick so often and it just hurts so much. I feel like I’m that sick child again.’

‘I never realized you felt that way,’ his mother said, thermometer in her hand, not sure what to do with it. ‘Of course you can take your own temperature. But you can’t do anything on your own, Tom, especially not now.’

‘I know,’ Thomas said. ‘I hate that, I always have. I know you all had to make changes for me, but I never wanted that. And I know that’s not your fault or mine or anyone’s, but I hated being a burden.’

His mother cupped his cheek with her hand. ‘You could never be a burden, Tommy. But why didn’t you tell us you felt that way? I know we can be protective, and there were certainly times where we had to call back your sisters, but we never realized it bothered you.’

‘I didn’t want to hurt your feelings, or anyone else’s,’ Thomas said.

Perhaps the main reason he and Matthew weren’t as close as they used to be was that Matthew was naturally inclined to take care of other people. And sure, that was sweet, and not a bad characteristic at all, but it did clash with Thomas’ need for independence.

His mother took his hand. ‘You know you can tell us everything, right? I never meant to hurt you, I just want to protect you.’

‘I don’t need to be protected,’ Thomas said. ‘I know I’m sick right now, but it’s always like this. And I understand, I know you’re worried, and I know how exhausting and terrifying it was to take me to all those different doctors when none of them could tell you what was wrong with me. But that passed, and I grew up. I’m not a sick child anymore.’

Thomas put the thermometer in his ear, and took it out when it beeped to read it. ‘39,5,’ he said. ‘That’s worse than yesterday.’

‘Maybe we should take you to see a doctor,’ Sophie suggested.

‘They’ll just tell you I have the flu and need rest,’ Thomas said. ‘Or if this is something supernatural, there won’t be much a doctor can do. If anything, Jem can take a look and see if I need to go to the hospital, right?’

‘Of course,’ his mother said. ‘I’m just scared. I hope you understand that.’

‘I do,’ Thomas said. ‘I know, I’m scared too. But I think I’d prefer if you just left me. I know I can’t do everything myself, I could barely get from my bed to the couch. But if I need anything, I’ll ask.’

‘Alright. You ask what you need for. But don’t be afraid to ask, I know you prefer to solve everything by yourself and sometimes you can’t. Do you want anything for breakfast?’

‘I have no appetite whatsoever,’ Thomas said.

‘I can make you some soup if you want,’ his mother suggested. ‘It is important that you eat and drink as much as you can.’

‘Maybe later,’ Thomas said as he attempted to drink his tea.

He was a bit dehydrated, he guessed, which was no surprise. He was so cold and shivering, maybe tea would help him get a little warm again.

‘Do you have another blanket?’ Thomas asked when he’d found a comfortable position on the couch.

He was still cold, his teeth clattering, and he wasn’t exactly comfortable. He found the box of paracetamol on the table where he’d left it and swallowed two, hoping that would lower the fever a bit, but so far no success.

His mother returned with another blanket and a wet towel. Thomas gratefully put the blanket over his feet. It was one of the disadvantages to being so tall, he always needed longer blankets, a longer bed, everything. It was all very inconvenient. He put the wet towel in his neck, and wiped off his forehead a little.

‘You’re not feeling any better, are you Tom?’ his father asked.

‘Not really,’ Thomas said.

‘Lucie just called. She and Cordelia want to go after Tatiana. Will and Tessa are going with them, at least they need someone to drive them. Would you be alright if I went with them? It is probably silly of me, but Tatiana is still my sister and I think there’s a part of me that hopes she is not lost.’

‘I understand,’ Thomas said. ‘If Babs or Genie did something like this I would try everything to get them back. Although I really can’t picture either of them doing this.’

‘Me neither. But I guess I felt the same about Tatiana. She was always very well behaved as a child, she could be sweet even. Eager to please father. I know Gabriel has completely given up on her, but I can’t. I will only go if that’s alright with you though. If you need me here, I’ll stay.’

‘Mom will still be here, won’t she?’

‘Yes, and Alastair and Jem are staying too. They think it’s best at least one person who knows how to wield a weapon stays here with you, and I don’t think Alastair wanted to leave your side either.’

‘I hope he doesn’t worry too much,’ Thomas said quietly.

‘We all worry,’ Gideon responded. ‘He’s a sweet guy, it’s obvious you two like each other very much. And he and Jem are on their way here. We’ll keep in touch.’

His father hugged him, and Thomas noticed there were tears in his eyes. If they failed, then this might be the last time he saw his father, Thomas realized. If they failed, he would die, probably within days. It still confused him, how Jesse had been sick but had died of getting lost, but Thomas was about to die of this sickness. Or did the thief have any more surprises?

‘I love you, Tom. Please don’t die.’

***

Lucie woke up early in the morning to start working with the locket. Barbara remembered everything now. It had taken some work from both her and Alastair and even now Lucie was still tired from using so much power. She could command someone to live, but only for a couple of hours at most. It wasn’t the same as resurrecting someone, she couldn’t bring someone back from the dead, but she could make them experience what it was to live again. It was not the same as simply making someone visible, it was much more than visibility. It was also exhausting and she could only do it so often.

Lucie herself hadn’t seen the memories, she couldn’t keep Barbara in a state of living and follow Alastair into the memory at the same time. Alastair was the only one who had seen the but he’d shared everything that was important. They had a better grasp of who the thief was now. Her mother was still working on her memory, and Lucie wasn’t sure why Barbara’s entire memory had come back when her mother still only remembered bits and pieces.

Barbara had been a servant of sorts in the palace. He mainly chose women he considered attractive for those positions, it seemed, and she’d overheard some conversations he’d had with more powerful souls while sweeping the floor. Everything combined, they’d concluded some souls could work their way up in his realm, and they’d concluded the thief had been mortal once and therefore could be killed. They’d gotten an idea of his power, and Lucie began to suspect it was much like her own magic, even if he was still far more powerful. It made sense that she was his granddaughter. He had the power of shapeshifting too, something Lucie didn’t think she could do, but something her mother used to do. Before she lost her magic. Lucie wondered if there was any way she could get it back.

If anyone could stop him, it was them. Cordelia’s sword, Lucie’s magic, those were weapons he couldn’t have that much experience with, right? Tessa might have only been able to seal him, but Lucie suspected her power was different from her mother’s even if it was similar. And Tessa had been on her own.

Alastair hadn’t found any information of other people trying to fight or stop him. He had figured out the thief was immortal, but not invulnerable, and although they weren’t absolutely sure, they suspected cortana would hurt him.

‘The trickiest part would be to find him,’ Alastair had said. ‘But I’ve seen quite a bit of the realm now, maybe I could.’

But Thomas had gotten even sicker, and therefore Tatiana would need to be found first. That was the plan. Find Tatiana, stop or at least slow down her plan so Thomas wouldn’t die, and then enter the realm of the thief to kill him. The only missing piece of information was where to find him, but Lucie’s best guess would be the ruins, except as a full castle in his own realm.

Lucie turned the locket around in her hand. It was pretty, she guessed. She knew it was supposed to open, but she couldn’t figure out her way around the lock. Somehow it seemed sealed shut.

She would need to get it to work before they could find Tatiana. Jesse had written something about how only she could make it work. Had he made this thing himself, or had Tatiana? But then why would she be able to use it? Lucie concluded it had to have something to do with her power.

‘Any progress?’ Cordelia asked as she came downstairs, dressed for battle?

Her hair was a bit messy still, braided, but not well and strands were falling out of her braid. She was wearing a loose brown tunic that was tucked at the waist over black leggings, clothes she could move in even if they did not offer much protection. Not that other clothes would, they didn’t exactly have armor lying around.

‘Not yet,’ Lucie said. ‘What did you do to your hair?’

‘I prefer to have it out of my face, but this looks like nothing. I hate to admit it but I cannot braid my own hair,’ Cordelia said.

‘Doing your own hair is harder than someone else’s,’ Lucie said. ‘Come here, I’ll fix it.’

Lucie undid Cordelia’s braid, and then went to find several hairbrushes, hairpins and elastic bands. Instead, she braided Cordelia’s hair into a crown shape, using pins to keep everything in place, finishing with some hair spray.

‘You won’t worry about your hair getting in your face now,’ Lucie said.

‘Good. It looks nice, I like it. Have you figured out how to summon Jesse?’

‘I think I’m supposed to open the locket,’ Lucie said. ‘But I can’t. You’re stronger than me, can you try?’

Cordelia carefully pulled at the locket, but it wouldn’t budge. ‘Didn’t Jesse’s note say you had to open it?’

‘Yes, but I’m not sure how. I’ve tried asking it to open, but that didn’t work. I’m considering traveling to the land in between and trying it there but that would mean I’d bring Jesse back there.’

Cordelia gazed at the ceiling, something she and her brother often did when they were thinking. ‘Maybe you shouldn’t ask the locket. Maybe you should ask a ghost.’

‘A ghost?’

‘If only a ghost can use it, then you’re the only living person who can use it. At least around here.’

‘Perhaps. It’s worth a try. But if that’s how it works, Jesse really should have been less vague.’

‘He could have been scared Tatiana would find it. Assuming she doesn’t know how it works or how to use it. Or that Jesse changed something so that only a ghost could open it.’

Lucie wasn’t sure what to think of any of these explanations, all she knew was she was getting tired of all these vague explanations where she had to figure everything out on her own.

She found Jessamine in the bathroom upstairs, looking at herself in the mirror and doing something with her hair. What it was, Lucie couldn’t tell, it looked the same as always.

‘Jess, can you help me with something?’ Lucie asked.

‘What do you need?’ Jessamine asked.

‘Please open this locket for me,’ Lucie said, handing Jessamine the locket.

Jessamine pulled at the edges and without too much effort the locket opened. Jesse appeared by her side.

‘So you did find the locket,’ Jesse said. ‘I’m not sure how much time we have. My mother moved. A part of the ritual needed to be done in Thomas’ proximity, but she’s past that now. She’s currently in a hotel in Inverness, and I can give you an address and room number. That’s where she has set up everything to complete the ritual. If you do nothing, the exchange will be complete at midnight.’

Jesse wrote down the address on a piece of paper and Lucie wondered if he could only do that because he was near her, or if that was how much stronger he’d become.

Lucie frowned. ‘Why do you not wish to save yourself?’

‘I never wanted anyone to die for me,’ Jesse said. ‘So many died. That boy in the lake. The thief asked my mother for a gifted child and she decided to try if she could drown a boy who was a competitive swimmer. I don’t know how many before that. I don’t want to bear that guilt. I just want to move on and forget about this life. I’ve always liked the idea of reincarnation. So many lives cut short, it’s nice to think I might have another chance. I would choose that over continuing the life I lost.’

Lucie understood. She would never wish for someone else to die so she could live. She just wished there was a way to save both Jesse and Thomas, but even with her power she couldn’t bring people back from the dead.

‘How do we stop her?’ Lucie asked.

‘Tatiana has to be the one to cast the spell. That’s why she hid from you, so she could speak the incantations to bring me back and kill Thomas from a safe place. She said he’s fallen ill due to her progression, is that true?’

Lucie nodded. ‘He has a fever and seems to be getting worse.’

‘When my mother finishes the incantation at midnight, Thomas will die. The spell requires that it is done just before midnight in this world, so if you stop her but she escapes, you’ll buy yourself at least a day. But in the end, you’ll want to stop her for good.’

‘Can we do that without killing her?’ Lucie asked.

‘Only if you destroy the thief,’ Jesse said. ‘But if you keep her a prisoner until you do that you’ll have the time you need. If you can, please don’t hurt her. I know what she did is awful, but she’s still my mother.’

Lucie nodded, she suspected Gideon wouldn’t want them to hurt his sister either if there was a way to stop it. Abducting her seemed like a decent solution, if they could make sure she was unable to finish the incantation then at the very least Thomas would not die.

‘So if we stop her, then things will remain as they are?’ Lucie asked.

‘I think so, yes,’ Jesse said. ‘I’ve grown so much stronger the past day, but I am not yet alive. I think Thomas will not die, but he won’t get better either until you find a more permanent solution. And Lucie, I am yours to command if you need me.’

Jesse began to flicker. ‘I need to return. My mother will find me missing. You’ll have to hurry, it is a long drive to Inverness.’

Jesse disappeared. A drive, which meant they’d need at least one person with a license to come with them. Lucie and Cordelia were both too young to drive. Lucie returned to the living room, where her parents, uncle Jem, and Alastair and Cordelia were discussing strategies.

‘I found out where Tatiana is,’ Lucie said. ‘Jesse gave me an address. It’s a drive of several hours and we’ll need to be there by midnight as that’s when Thomas will die if we don’t stop Tatiana. However, if we stop her from speaking the incantation, then the whole thing will be postponed until she does say them before midnight.’

‘So if we abduct her, that will buy us time,’ Alastair concluded. ‘But it will not end the whole thing?’

‘No, Jesse didn’t think so,’ Lucie said. ‘Either way, we have no time to lose and need at least one person to drive. Who is coming?’

‘We’ll need at least one person who can fight to stay behind,’ Alastair said. ‘In case it is a trick, in case something will come for Thomas and it’s not the sickness that will kill him.’

Lucie suspected Alastair did not want to leave Thomas. They hadn’t been together long, but they’d fallen into couple mode quite easily, with Alastair staying by Thomas’ side as much as he could.

‘You’re not coming with us, then?’ Cordelia asked.

Alastair refused to look her in the eye. Lucie had noticed it was something he struggled with, especially when things got too stressful.

‘I think it is best if I stay with Thomas,’ Alastair said.

Cordelia frowned, tried to find her brother’s gaze. ‘Alright,’ she said. ‘I trust you know what’s best.’

‘I’ll stay too,’ Jem said. ‘It’s been too long since I’ve fought anything, but I hope I can help take care of Thomas.’

‘I’ll drive,’ Will offered. ‘I’m sure Gideon will want to come, although I don’t think he’ll be able to reason with his sister anymore.’

‘I’m not letting you go alone,’ Tessa said.

‘You’re not letting me?’ Will asked.

‘I know how reckless you get. You haven’t changed that much since we met,’ Tessa said. ‘And Lucie is not much different. I’ll need to come to keep you all in check. Besides, I stopped the thief once. I’m starting to remember how I did it, even if it wasn’t enough in the end.’

Lucie worried about her parents coming, they did not have any special powers and were out of practice with their weapons, but she had to agree her mother was a bit more level headed.

‘You can borrow a dagger if you want,’ Alastair told Will. ‘Lucie has one already, and Cordelia has cortana, but I think it is wise to bring something so you can defend yourself. Just be quick about it, Inverness is a long drive and you only have until midnight.’

#Thomas Lightwood #Lucie Herondale #Alastair Carstairs #Cordelia Carstairs #Thomastair #Lucelia #the last hours #tlh #fanfiction

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dumdumsun · 3 years

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Forever and Never

A/N: Thank you so much for taking the time to read this series ❤️ I’ve had so much fun writing this and am very proud of and excited for it, I can’t wait to see how people react to this. Um I know there are plenty of warnings for a first chapter, but I promise it’s not as depressing as it sounds. It’s just that this story can deal with heavy stuff sometimes, so I just wanna let you know that. Anyways, hope you enjoy!

Warnings: mentions of marijuana, death, sexual assault and mental illness

Word Count: 3194

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One: Hi, My Name Is

“So, what was your time in Pennsylvania like?”

“Uh… I’d have to say it was the best… and worst time of my life.”

“Best and worst, huh? Would you like to elaborate?”

“Well, I, uh… I mean, I don’t really know how to, like… explain it. It’s a lot. I don’t even know where to begin… Or how I would even word it or anything.”

“Well, you told me you like television and movies, right? You know those shows and movies where the main character tells the plot as, like, their life story? Maybe you could try that.”

“You aren’t… You aren’t serious, are you?”

“You’ll know when I’m joking, trust me.”

“Oh… Okay, then. Well, um…”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hi? My name is… (Y/N)? This is my life story, I guess.

So, if we’re going to talk about my life in Pennsylvania, we’re going to have to start with my life in Kansas, first. I had two loving parents that soon turned into one at the too-young age of nine years, when my mom died. I remember her as one of the sweetest people I’ve ever known. She had this way about her that was so carefree, yet she gave a shit about everything. You could never pin a thought to her because she never let you in on what was bouncing around in her head. She was stubborn and patient and lively. I miss her so much. I don’t usually think about her unless it’s a particularly hectic day, which I then resort to talking to the ring I wear on my left pinky finger at all times. Wasn’t anything special, just some cheap ring with a little emerald inside she found at a thrift store. It used to be hers and she’d wear it on the exact same finger. My dad said she’d want me to have it.

My dad is my favorite person. He isn’t the most… present, though. His mind is never set in one place, always racing with hundreds of unrelated thoughts. It’s why when you finally drag him back into reality, he can’t repeat a single sentence spoken to him. Regardless, he’s all I had for a long time. I never really learned what he does for a living, but I just know that it forces him to leave town sometimes. Well, more like all the time. Before my mom died, it was easy for him to leave for weeks on end, but when he became my only guardian, he didn’t really know what to do with me. It was like he completely forgot how to take care of a child, his child. When I turned twelve, that was when he started travelling again. I would then be home by myself for a month to eight weeks. In these times, I had no choice but to learn to cook for myself, go grocery shopping and housekeep. I became pretty independent at a young age. It wasn’t like Dad left me totally alone, though. He would call every two or three days and he sent me two hundred dollars every two weeks. Like I said, I don’t know what my dad did, but he was definitely getting paid. At the end of eighth grade, Dad had a particularly long trip to go on, so he sent me to Pennsylvania, where his sister lived.

Pennsylvania was partially the best part of my life because of my family. My Aunt Pam was like a second mother to me. She was never able to have another child after my cousin Jacob and she’s always wanted a daughter of her own, so that’s what I was to her. The daughter she could never have. I’d often find her staring at me with a bittersweet smile on her face, watching my every move with a sense of pride, but when I’d ask her what was wrong she’d only brush it off as her admiring me. My Uncle David didn’t necessarily view me as a daughter, but he certainly treated me like one. When he wanted to spend time with Jacob, he included me as well. We’d usually go on drives around the town, but I always fell asleep to the soft and serene music that filled the car from the radio. On the weekends, we would head down by the lake and spend hours learning to fish.

I hated it, but I couldn’t complain. It gave me a sense of certainty to live with a father figure who didn’t leave me alone every two or three months.

Jacob was like a brother to me. He’s a year older than me, which, to him, meant that he had to protect me at all costs. I always assumed it was because he always wanted a younger sibling, and I was the closest he was ever going to get to that. I always felt as though I’d never be able to equal Jacob on an intellectual level because he practically had the IQ of Albert Einstein himself. I felt inferior to him until I found out how much of a joy he really was. On the weekends, he would beg me to accompany him in a movie marathon. I learned that Jacob was a huge fan of Tim Burton (his favorite was Beetlejuice). He’s the only cousin I’ve ever known. Mom and Dad didn’t like each other’s families, so I never met anyone besides this little family. Moving in with them meant that they’d have this huge burden on them.

Yes, I almost forgot to mention that I struggle with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, or OCD. It just means that my mind is flooded with these crazy and unnecessary thoughts and so my behavior is affected by them. For example, if I were to blink and felt I put more pressure on my left eye than my right, I would have to repeatedly wink with my right eye until they felt balanced. Sometimes I can’t enter a room until I have inhaled eight times. If I scratch an itch on my left knee, I have to scratch the right one in the exact same place. At the sink, even if I don’t use both knobs, I have to hold both in my hands. And when I turn them off, I often have to check about four times before I am certain they’re turned off all the way. I know, it sounds tiring. Just imagine being on my end, having it be a part of who you are. I can’t do anything to stop it, I wish I could. I was always afraid to make friends because of this. If I couldn’t be balanced, I’d freeze, and I mean actually stop whatever I’m doing and stand still, until my body felt as if I were balanced once again. Who wouldn’t make fun of me for this?

Apparently, no one gave a shit about it. After moving to Pennsylvania, I made quite a name for myself at school. Literally. My name was Zip. I have no fucking clue how that ridiculous name came to be, but that’s what I went by day after day. One could say I was considered popular, but it wasn’t like I actually spoke to anyone. When it came to extracurriculars, I only participated in theatre. I never was part of the cast, just the stage manager. Secretly, I wanted so badly to audition and be a part of the magic they created on that stage. Not to boast or anything, but I had the talent and potential to be a starring role. But I could never bring myself to break out of my shell. Nonetheless, being stage manager still got me quite the attention. Everyone was always so nice to me, so I felt a little bad for not considering any of them as friends. That was until I met Dina.

Dina was new to our school sophomore year. She had this sort of light to her that attracted the pesky moths that were our dull and boring school body. We had the same social status in school. People liked our personalities, so we were well-liked and accepted without doing much to prove ourselves worthy. She was sweet and compassionate and so fun. I didn’t mean to become her friend, but she was so welcoming, despite being the newcomer. We became close friends, but not best friends. We already had people filling those roles.

Dina’s best friend was Sydney Novak. Sydney moved to Brownsville around the same time as Dina, so the two became best friends quickly, but Sydney wasn’t very popular at all. She was shy and introverted, but I thought she was nice enough. I liked her and thought she was a pretty cool person. We weren’t necessarily friends, we were just well acquainted simply because we were both close with Dina. The transitive property, if you would. I just wish we could’ve talked more, our relationship was pretty much nonexistent.

Speaking of nonexistent relationships, let’s talk about Richard Berry. I honestly don’t want to even think about him, but he played a role in my life that was too vital to just offhandedly mention. For some odd reason, Ricky Berry was absolutely in love with me. It was so obvious to everyone except for me. Sophomore year, he expressed his love through the most arrogant and cheesiest of pick-up lines and compliments. I wasn’t so easily won over, if you could guess. I tried being good friends with him, but he’d always fuck it up when he tried to initiate intimacy. I didn’t want to hold hands with him in the halls or receive “friendly” cheek kisses. I’m not what you would call affectionate, especially towards people I’m not close to. It’s just never been comfortable for me. Junior year, everyone around me was buzzing with excitement when they heard Ricky was going to ask me to be his girlfriend. The cheerleaders, who got to know him through his high school football career, constantly pestered me with reasons as to why I would be so lucky to date The Richard Berry. Granted, he became less of a dick junior year, so I thought, Why not?, and accepted. Being in a relationship with Ricky was the most one-sided… anything I had ever been a part of. He was undeniably enamored with me, but I couldn’t find it in myself to reciprocate those feelings. He would show me off to his family and friends like a trophy, but if someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I’d go, “I mean, yeah. I guess”, so not a very healthy relationship. It also didn’t help that Ricky knew nothing about boundaries.

One night, we were in his bedroom, studying for a science test. Ricky wasn’t focused at all and kept trying to kiss and cuddle with me. I let him for awhile, but then he took my book from me and set it on the ground beside his bed. He suggested we have sex right then and there. Now, I was never a prude and definitely didn’t wait to have sex for the first time, but I never wanted Ricky to be my first. He hadn’t earned enough of my trust to even touch me suggestively. So, of course I refused. Ricky only took that as me teasing him, so he advanced, nearly forcing himself on me. Using all my might, I shoved him off of the bed. He stood to his feet, utterly confused, but I only gathered my things and left his house. He tried following after me, but I ignored him until he turned and went back into his home. The next day at school, he was holding me and kissing me and showing me off to everyone like he always did. As if nothing happened between us the night before. It was difficult to do, since he was so inconsiderate, but I managed to break up with him. He tried to deny that we were Splitsville for about a week, but everyone caught wind of our break-up. Once everyone knew about it, it became true for him. I never really felt comfortable with being intimate or open with guys after that.

Besides with Stanley Barber, of course. Stan was my best friend in the entire world. I told only my deepest, darkest secrets to him. And he told me his. The only things we really had in common were our lack of mothers and our hideous bacne. Stan lived a few houses down and was eager to get to know me a week after I moved in. I’d never met anyone in my life like Stan. He was so awkward, but loveable. I don’t know, I guess he reminded me of my mom. The way he didn’t care, but he so clearly did. Whenever I wanted to talk about something that was difficult to voice, we’d smoke to ease the tension. Of course, this wasn’t how we always communicated. Despite his nervous stuttering, he was easy to open up to. Stan provided a sort of security in my life. He was never going to leave me and that put me at ease when hanging out with him, which we did regularly. I don’t know when exactly I developed a crush on him, but I never wanted it to surface in our bond. He was to never know. It was just a stupid crush, right? He was a guy who wasn’t family and was so unbelievably caring towards me. It was bound to happen, but that didn’t mean he had to be aware of it. Though, it was a little hard to keep such a secret when we’d both made out twice already. The first time was while I was dating Ricky, the kiss was very awkward and ended after about a minute and a half. The second kiss was just half a week after my breakup. That time, we’d both known what we were doing. And I may be a little biased, but you couldn’t have even thought to fake the passion in that makeout session. We never talked about either of those kisses and remained friends both times. I’d be lying if I said it didn’t bother me that we didn’t become anything more afterwards. It was for the best, though, because two weeks before spring break, my dad returned from his job in Georgia and moved me to Kansas again. The move was so abrupt that I didn’t even get a chance to say goodbye to anyone besides my family.

My life in Kansas for the second time was something I’d never want to experience ever again. Since it was a little late in the year, I finished junior year online. For some unexplained reason, my dad had us get new phones and new numbers, so I lost all contact with my friends. I had no one to talk to and it wasn’t like my dad paid much attention to me. I remember spending every waking moment with him when I was younger, talking or playing games or watching television. It used to be so fun being his daughter, but when we moved back to Kansas, I just felt like this huge burden in his life. Our relationship was strained and he clearly had other priorities in his life. Like whatever he left back in Georgia. I’d see his phone ring and the same number from that state would pop up before he’d leave the room and privately talk with whoever. It wasn’t the secrecy that was off-putting to me, it was the fact that it was so much more important to him. Once again, I was ignored by the one person in my life I wanted to spend the most time with. So, you can imagine the joy I felt when Dad had to go back to Georgia for work. I had been attending public school for my senior year and left not even a full month in. It didn’t bother me, I had no friends and nothing to leave behind. Mid-September was when I moved back to Brownsville with Aunt Pam. Everyone accepted me right back in. Especially my classmates. As I walked the halls I heard whispers like,

“Oh, my god, is that Zip?”

“Zip’s back! Where’d she even go?”

“I thought she died.”

The only person I really wanted to notice me was Stan. I missed him so much, I even got into his favorite band to have something to remember him by. I remember the day I got back to my aunt’s house. Jacob had picked me up from the airport and was driving me to the house. He was attending community college, but was still living with his parents. As we drove, he tapped his index fingers rhythmically to the shitty pop music that played on the radio. “So, what are you excited about for senior year?”

“Not much, I just missed Dina and Stan. Theatre, too. I wonder how they’ve been doing without me.” I chuckled. Jacob huffed in amusement.

“But you didn’t miss Ricky?”

“Fuck, Jake, you know I didn’t miss him for a second.” I frowned, waving my hand in dismissal. My cousin tauntingly laughed at me. Had he actually known about what happened between Ricky and I, he wouldn’t have teased me. In fact, Ricky wouldn’t even be alive that day if Jacob found out. No one knew about the incident, not even Stan.

Pulling up in front of the house, we got out of the car and headed to the trunk to pull out my bags. I tried carrying them in, but Jacob insisted that he do all the heavy lifting and simply asked me to carry my backpack and close the trunk. I did what little I was asked of and headed to the front door to greet my aunt and uncle inside, but stopped. In the corner of my eye, I saw movement from the Barber residence. Turning, my eyes locked on Stanley, who was frozen beside his car. He was wearing his work uniform and staring at me with the most bewildered expression on his face. It was like he thought himself to be hallucinating my existence. Smiling, I simply waved at him before walking back inside. When he got home from work that night, he headed over to my house and knocked on the door. I answered with a grin on my face. “Stan!”

“If it isn’t the famous Zip, showing back up in my life.”

“Ugh, do not call me that.” I rolled my eyes playfully before bringing him into a hug. He wrapped his arms around my waist and rested his chin at the top of my head. I would’ve stayed there all night if I could’ve. When Stanley pulled away, my heart hollowed and a pit formed within my stomach. I felt unfinished, unbalanced. And I hate imbalance. He asked if I wanted to hang out and I accepted his offer. All we did was lay on his floor, listen to music and get high, but in that moment, that’s all I needed.

Bloodwitch, a joint, and Stan laying by my side.

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Taglist: @melinda-hargreeves @sapphicsyn @stqnley @lonely-kermit

#i am not okay with this #ianowt #stanley barber #stanley barber x reader #wyatt oleff #wyatt oleff x reader #i am not okay with this x reader #ianowt x reader #ianowt fanfic #ianowt stanley barber #forever and never

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belovvved · 3 years

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!!Emergency!! Unsafe Housing Situation/No Transportation!!!!Help a Non-Binary Artist achieve relative comfort!!!

I wish that none of this was real, and that I don't need help. I don't even know where to begin. But I'm trying to open up, I can't keep trying to do everything alone.

PLEASE BOOST... if you cannot donate or help me find resources in my city (San Antonio, Texas)

CASHAPP: $citrinebat ZELLE: [email protected]

Any advice or resources will be much appreciated.

I grew up never speaking out because I would always get silenced, my parents are good at manipulating others to believe that they are decent people. I am not welcomed or safe at home.

Basically, I was born to two teenage parents that weren't ready to have children or mature enough to be with each other.

I grew up seeing my mom get abused by my dad verbally, physically, and emotionally. I would always stick up for her, and so the relationship between my father and I has never existed... In fact he hates me for being outspoken, and protective. My mother takes out her stress and abuse on me too. She's tried drowning me when I was 8 and I found out later from my aunt. My mother has Stockholm syndrome, she even went so far as to take a felony for him and has not had a job in years.

It has been my whole life, and I'm the oldest out of 5 including myself. Many times I've tried helping my mom, only to have her hurt me again in some sort of way- by going back to my dad, borrowing money, gambling, drinking etc. She never admits her faults, and plays victim which is something I am not trying to do.

I still cannot believe that this is what has become of the family I romanticized. I've discovered that my parents, and brother are severely mentally ill- my parents take prescription pills that aren't theirs... some of which I do not know completely. My brother has become psychotic and has black-out rages where he hurts someone in the family or breaks things around the house.

In the past I always had to lean on other relatives (now passed) for support or past partners- (which I do not want to do anymore).

I left as soon as I graduated from school in 2018 (Summa Cum Laude). I wanted to pursue going to art school or architecture. But I couldn't due to the fact that my dad sold drugs and his taxes weren't accepted in FASFA. I had to wait until I turn 21 to file independently but even when this came around (Oct.2020) I wasn't prepared in anyway possible to pursue higher education.

-Things in the past were manageable, because I had my Grandma who supported me in everyway possible while she worked two jobs. She took me and my 4 siblings to and from school. While my parents stayed at home sleeping. She did everything she could for us, and then in 2019 she was diagnosed with cancer and died within 3 weeks, inside of the home I am currently living in.

She bought me a car before right before she died- which my mom used whenever she wanted to in order to escape from my dad momentarily. It had 56k miles at first and I never got to drive it until 100k+ miles. By the time I got it back, my mom cracked the windshield and stained the interior. It got repoed after 3 months of me using it because my grandfather left the country in 2020 to pursue his new wife (in her 20's) and his new family. He stopped paying on the car without telling me, and didn't transfer the title to me, so I had no way of preventing anything.

My only source of transportation was taken from me in March 2021. So I lost my job, my car... and I need help because I have to start all over.

I currently live at my Grandma's house where she passed away inside of the living room. The a/c has been broken since last summer (2020) and there is no heat or hot water and I just endured that during the Texas Winter Storm.

Whenever my Grandfather returns from out of the country I will have to find a place to stay but that means making 2-3x the rent and having a job for at least six months. I cannot return home because my brother is a reflection of my abusive father and I DO NOT FEEL SAFE being around him.

My brother has broken a window on me, physically has hurt me more than once. My dad calls me a whore + so many other worse things. My mom borrows money from me and gambles, and drinks. Just uses me to babysit and has made me quit my art internships in Highschool to babysit while she goes out with friends at the bar

I have been trying to sell art, and nudes in order to get a car... so that way I can try having a job. I have facial piercings and tattoos on my hands so everything is difficult.

The only thing I am at fault for is my way of coping. It's hard to foresee a future for yourself when you're living with trauma...

I didn't want to believe that my parent's don't care but after losing my job and car in March 2021, my mom has not since checked up on me or asked if I was okay. In fact has asked me to borrow money, (she usually doesn't pay back) My dad fixes A/C for a living, and has not fixed the A/C for me since last year.

My mental health is starting to take a toll on me lately and I don't want to end up in the Psych ward again..... Luckily I have a few really amazing, supportive, loving friends. But everyone has their own lives and I can't depend on anyone. I wish I could be the person helping them.

I don't want to take from others who cannot give. I want to be able to have transportation, pursue school, and also feel comfortable and safe where I am living. Past partners know where I stay, and so does my abusive brother and I live in fear of them coming over uninvited.

Please help me get to a place where I can truly grow, and flourish. Please help me feel unashamed about speaking up and asking for help. My dreams are to start a nonprofit for domestic violence victims, foster animals, and start or be apart of a printing press for creatives.

I sell art and make music in my freetime. I lost my only support system a little over a year ago and since then it has been super difficult trying to do things on my own, and I'm tired of depending on sexual partners for help (+ experiencing rape/sexual trauma), as a NONBINARY person being perceived as anything less than a soul is painful.

You can support me by commissioning or purchasing art here. Or donating anything will help- everything goes to my phone bill, food. I am on my last $500. I am really worried because lyfts and ubers add up, and I am uncertain of when I can find a job that will hire me due to my self expression.

Thank you for reading.

#help #emergency #gofundme #donate #signal boost #mutual aid #boost #narcissist #childhood abuse #abuse #trauma #ptsd #recovery #narcissim #toxic mom #toxic dad #toxic household #toxic family #nonbinary

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vavandeveresfan · 3 years

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“Michael Keaton, Revved Up and Ready to Tell Some Stories.”

By David Marchese, for The New York Times Magazine. Aug. 29, 2021

Michael Keaton has been a star for long enough to have gone through multiple and distinctly different cycles of fame and artistic expression. He has zigzagged through the years from the gleeful anarchic charge of his comedic work in his early hit films like “Night Shift” (1982) and “Mr. Mom” (1983) to megastardom via the gothic “Batman” (1989) and even more gothic “Batman Returns” (1992). Then, after a period in the wilderness in the 2000s, he made a welcome comeback, kicked off by his detailed and widely praised character work in “Birdman” (2014). He’s such a familiar, even nostalgic, figure at this point that it’s easy to take his uniqueness for granted. It’s hard to think of another actor capable of, say, the manically riffing poltergeist he played in “Beetlejuice” (1988) and the layered gravitas of a latter-day role like his hard-nosed Boston Globe editor Walter Robinson in “Spotlight” (2015). But no matter the part — and I think this is essential to his appeal — Keaton, who is 69, always exudes an intense (and intensely American) self-reliance, a defiant independence. That quality is on display in various forms in his recent work as a contract killer in the thriller “The Protégé,” released in August; as Kenneth Feinberg, the real-life lawyer in charge of dispensing the 9/11 victims compensation fund in “Worth,” which premieres on Netflix Sept. 3; and as a small-town doctor whose eyes gradually open to the opioid crisis in the Hulu limited series “Dopesick,” slated for release on Oct. 13. “There’s something to getting older,” says Keaton, a digressive and keyed-up talker, who paced nonstop through his Montana home as we spoke via Zoom. “Not only do the roles get a little different, but your interpretation of them might be more interesting too.”

A few years ago in an interview you said that there was a point in your career, I guess it was in the mid-2000s before you sort of disappeared for a while,

I have wide interests, or catholic interests, as they say, and when you’re like that, you reach a point where you go, “OK, I still have to make a living so I have to take certain acting jobs,” and you try to do your best. Then you start to literally get tired of hearing your own voice, and also metaphorically get tired. You kinda go, “Am I a bullshitter right now?” But you say, “Hey, man, I’m fortunate enough to have a gig.” And I pass up a lot of work. I’ve passed up so much work over the years because I was curious about other things. I wanted to live life. Maybe it’s that nothing was coming around that made me interested. But I think work’s real important. I’m looking forward to a time when my work becomes other work, frankly. Like I’m involved with this environmentally conscientious construction company. I don’t know. Maybe I got bored with acting. That sounds so cavalier: “I was bored.” But I probably did get a little bored with myself. People forget about you, and I’m off doing other things. But I thought: I’ll be all right. Better roles will come around. Then, you know that whole thing of how you can manifest things? It’s doable. Your attitude, how you look at things and what you can create is more in your power than a lot of people think.

What’s the trick?

Here’s the deal: Everything comes down to the question of what do you want? You keep going back to what you want and you go, “Well, I have this,” but, yeah, what do you want? Then you have to drill down and have the balls to say, “If that’s what you really want, then you have to do X.” You know what the rest of it is? Good fortune. A couple of things go your way. Alejandro González Iñárritu calls my agent, and he goes, “I want to talk to him about this movie.” Because I like sports so much I use probably too many sports metaphors, but you gotta get tough and be competitive and not want to lie down. Certain things started coming around for me because I said, “I’m not lying down.” I don’t know. I’m probably overanalyzing it.

So when you asked yourself what you really wanted, what did you come up with?

Dude, dude, dude. We do not have time. We seriously do not have time for that. Trust me. That’s a whole other conversation. I don’t think print serves that question, to be really honest with you. It’s not like a thing you can touch.

OK. But then what do you actually do after you ask yourself what you really want?

You’ll come up with another answer. Then you’ll have to keep asking yourself, Yeah, but what is that? And then if you can live in that — without sounding like I’m saying something that makes me want to go outside and vomit — you kind of raise your consciousness.

I’m not sure I totally follow but —

Can I add this?

Please.

I’m blessed-slash-cursed with a bit of a chip on my shoulder. I keep it there because it’s motivational.

OK, so to get back on track: You had a period where you would do performances and they wouldn’t ring true? I’m just trying to get a handle.

So you hear yourself speaking, you’re in a scene, and it doesn’t necessarily not ring true, it’s just kind of a sound you’re doing that’s too familiar. I can’t explain it. I think there was a little overall boredom but not with the business — bored with me. Then the next level of that is are you having any fun or are you even really any good right now? So you’d stop, step back and reassess. Do some other things. Frankly the reason — a reason — that a person can be more effective as an actor — boy I hate acting talk.

Indulge me.

You’re the boss. I think you become a better actor if you have a world awareness and if you have experiences and you hear the way people speak. It was also a pride thing, eventually wanting to do more stuff. After a while you kind of go: I got some ammunition left. But I was living. I was doing some things, I was picking up a little bit of work. My attitude was make ’em throw you your pitch. Foul off a few. Take close ones right on the edge of the plate. You go: “Uh-uh. I’m here. I’m a [expletive] hitter.” Then you go, “I can hit that.” So you just hang in there. By the way, I’m not convinced baseball players of all the athletes are the brightest of the bunch.

I know you like to talk in sports metaphors so —

[Laughs.] You have that tone: “I know you like to talk in sport metaphors. But could you stop?”

No, no. I was going to ask if you could use one to describe where you are in your career now.

No. I could never describe it. I get embarrassed using the word “career.” Once you start talking like that you have a self-consciousness about it, and it takes away from: What’s the thing you really are supposed to do? What’s the job at hand? What’s your function in life?

There’s a passage in the piece you wrote for that book about fishing, “Astream”(A 2012 collection of nonfiction pieces by American writers on fly fishing.) “If you’re doing it right, the longer you live, the more you become just who you really are.” Are you becoming closer to who you really are? And who is that person?

It’s [expletive]. It’s just [expletive]. I’m so lost, Dave. [Laughs.] No, it’s funny, I was doing this little meditation today, and I was thinking about some version of that. So the answer to that question is, I don’t have any idea.

But when “Birdman” happened — and this was compounded by “Spotlight” also being so acclaimed and following that movie so closely — there was the idea that you had a comeback. Did that change your perspective about what your career had been up to then?

I don’t even like to use the word “career.” It sounds so narcissistic. “My career”; “career-wise.” It sounds pretentious just hearing myself say it now. To be totally honest, it’s not like everybody was knocking on my door. What people don’t know is, I never left; I was always picking up a little gig here and there. Throw a little money in the bank. I’m too antsy to sit around anyway. Fortunately, I’m interested in a lot of other things.

Like what?

I’m a news junkie. I kind of obsess over that, which is not good, and I do my little things under the radar with guys like Jim Messina. (In November, Keaton was featured in a pro-Biden video aimed at voters in his native Pennsylvania. The spot was created by American Bridge 21st Century, a super PAC that the former Obama deputy chief of staff Jim Messina worked with as an adviser during the 2020 election.) I love nature and being outside. My kid and I are tight. You know, I’m just so lazy. Honest to God. I mean, Thomas McGuane,(The esteemed novelist, who is the author of, among other books, “Ninety-Two in the Shade,” and a neighbor of Keaton’s in Montana.) he’s an old friend. He told me a while back, he said, You need to write. I thought I would write early on, and I quit because I’m lazy. So I’m doing a little more of that just for me. I’m developing this thing with Jay Roach and Owen Burke and Adam McKay.(Keaton is working with the trio, who have collectively participated in a bunch of smash Hollywood comedies, on an adaptation of a story by the New Yorker journalist Evan Osnos. Keaton declined to elaborate on precisely which story.) That takes up a fair amount of my time. When I get involved like that creatively, I get excited again. Even this interview: I’m not unnecessarily flattering you, but when I get talking about things — I forget how much I like things like this conversation. I start to get stimulated again.

I know there’s an element of randomness to the roles an actor ends up taking, but you’ve done “Dopesick” and “Worth” and “The Trial of the Chicago 7”. all relatively close to each other. Is that indicative of any increased desire to address politics more in your work?

You know, probably. There are things I did because I thought they had to be out there. I’ve always thought, without sounding self-serving here, that it’s important to be able to say, “If it all falls apart tomorrow, at least I did something that maybe meant something to someone.” “Dopesick” is personal. I lost a nephew to heroin. Fentanyl, really. It was my sister’s son. I don’t think I believe that I have a responsibility exactly, but you wouldn’t want to leave the world going: “I could have been a mensch. I could have turned somebody around.” People have come up to me about “My Life” (Keaton played a man diagnosed with terminal cancer opposite Nicole Kidman in this 1993 tear-jerker) and certain things that I’ve done and commented on what it meant to them. So you can say: “There’s that. At least I did that.”

Was it cathartic to work on “Dopesick”?

Well, I told his mom, my sister, about it after I had already signed on. I was direct and honest with her. I said, “Look, if this wasn’t well written or if they were saying you’ve got to kind of work for free, I’m not going to lie to you and say I would have done it, but, that said, the No. 1 reason I’m doing this is for Michael1111 Keaton’s nephew, also named Michael. and you and for everyone out there, because it’s important.” Then what happens is once you get going you’re locked in. There were moments where we were reading the script, and you would say, “Jeez, this is Michael’s story.” But that’s not the job at hand. The job at hand is to be the doctor and get back to work.

The doctor in “Dopesick” or Ken Feinberg in “Worth” are both sort of authority figures, which can be said of a lot of the characters you’ve played since “Birdman.” But earlier in your career — sorry for using that word — pretty much from “Night Shift” to “The Paper” you tended to play anti-authority types. What accounts for that change?

I totally know what you’re saying. I don’t know that I’ve thought about that specifically. Now, there’s probably some kind of stupid pride that would make me say, man, the guy in “The Paper” is certainly not like the guy in “Night Shift,” and “Beetlejuice” wasn’t like anything else. “Mr. Mom” was different. “Multiplicity” is one of my favorites, too, and that’s different.

“Tuck tuck fold.”

[Laughs.] Man, I miss that stuff so much. To see how far I could push Andie McDowell, to see if I could get her to break. What’s really interesting about you saying that is, man, do I miss — it sounds egotistical — being funny.

I’ve watched some of your old stand-up (Keaton’s first career in show business was as a stand-up comedian in the mid-to-late ’70s. That is, if you don’t count the crew work he did before that on “Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood.”) but you know what really killed me? Watching your Letterman appearances from the early ’80s. The conversation between you two is just joke after joke after joke, and the one time where you came on walking on your hands? The energy level is just — it’s very cocaine.

I don’t get to talk about this very often with people. I’m actually enjoying this. First of all — 100 percent true — absolutely no cocaine was involved. I’m not trying to save any kind of reputation. I’m just saying.

Oh, sorry, I was joking. I was just commenting on the vibe.

No, no, no. I do realize what you noticed because I remember being on a movie with someone — I’m not going to say who, they’re friends of mine now — and I found out years later they assumed I was on something, and they got worried. They thought, Jeez what if we get shut down? But even talking to you now, I feel myself getting revved up. I get like that. I’ve been like that since I was a little kid. It’s probably annoying to some people. I miss that stuff with Letterman and those guys. When I hear people talk about stand-up, no one really gets — unless you’re in that world — what that world really is; what you have to do if you want to be really good and how serious it can get. I was always afraid that the fun would go away. I was always afraid that I’d “catch the disease.”

The disease of being a morose comic?

Basically. The crazy that’s a lot of times in there and the self-involvement and, at the time, the friggin’ cocaine, which was everywhere.

I read some old magazine profile of you where you made passing mention about bombing as a young comedian onstage in Las Vegas. Is there a story there?

Yes. I pretty much — and I’m not saying this out of, well, wait a minute, maybe I am saying it out of braggadocio. I don’t know. Let me hear myself say it. Maybe I am. I’m really not bragging: What little act I had, I knew that some parts of it worked. They just did. So at the time Cher — if you’re enough of an entertainment nerd you’ll probably remember there was this phase where Cher really wanted to be a rocker, and she’s kind of not. She’s Cher.

She was playing the part, though.

Yeah, and this was in old Vegas. You look at the acts in Vegas now? They could be down in the West Village. Then, that wasn’t it. That was not it. I think her thinking was, Let’s go hipper, let’s go young, because I’m Cher and I’m going to do my rock tunes. So somebody said, “You gotta go see this guy” — me. She sees me and says: “He’s funny. Let’s take him.” So I go “Cool.” Meanwhile if you drove down the Strip and looked at the marquees, who the names were, they were comics that not even my dad would — just older guys. I’m not saying good or bad; a totally different thing. So I go, OK, I’m kind of scared, but I pretty much know this material works. It doesn’t bomb. It just doesn’t. It’s not like people were writhing on the floor with laughter ever but I go, no, this works. Then I started to get a feel for Vegas and I’m going, Oh, boy. But I thought, Well, they’re going to see Cher so I don’t have to do a lot of time. Then she started telling me how much time she wanted me to do, and I went, [expletive], I don’t have this. And backstage the curtains were like 40 feet high. It was like, Whoa, wait a minute, this is big. Then you get onstage, and they’re there to see Cher. They’re still eating, all you hear is silverware and people mumbling things like, “Hey, I didn’t order Thousand Island.” You’re up there and they go: “Who is this kid? Why is he bothering us?” I remember starting with some kind of architecture-related joke.

Those usually kill.

[Laughs.] Oh, people love architecture bits. It was death, and I had never experienced death. I remember sweat literally running down my back. By the way, the architecture thing was totally stupid in retrospect. It’s not even funny. So anyway, that was traumatic. I always felt like I disappointed Cher. She’s great though.

I have a “Batman” question: When I rewatched “Batman” (This film and its sequel — both huge commercial successes — were directed by Tim Burton, who had previously directed Keaton in “Beetlejuice.” Keaton and Burton both declined to revisit Batman for “Batman Forever” (1995). They did reunite on “Dumbo” in 2019.) and “Batman Returns” it seemed to me as if there was a progression from one film to the next in how you played Bruce Wayne. Picking that character up again 30-ish years later in “The Flash,” (Keaton will reprise his role as Bruce Wayne and Batman in this film, currently slated for a 2022 release) are you playing him as a continuation of that same guy or are you starting from scratch?

That’s a really good question. I’m not being cute: When I hear you speak I go, “I have a feeling he knows more about Bruce Wayne than I do.” I don’t know if I thought about it that much. Maybe I did. The first “Batman” I didn’t think was going to happen because when Tim Burton called me, he said, “I want to talk about this thing.” I go, “Cool, what do you got?” He tells me and I go, “Wow.” He said, “Go home and read this script.” We had developed a relationship. We’re pals to this day. So I went home and read it, and I went, “I don’t think he’s going to want me to do this after I say what I think.” Then we met and I go, “I think the character is this, this, this and this.” I remember Tim’s hair was really long, and he’s looking at me, and as I’m talking his hair is flapping up and down, like nodding woo woo, and I went, I guess he’s thinking like I’m thinking. So I say, “OK, let’s do it.” Then everybody was saying, “Oh, my God, the world’s going to end.” (There was a negative fan outcry after it was first announced that Keaton would play Batman. The general gist being that the actor — best known back then for his comedic roles — lacked sufficient seriousness to play the comic-book character.) I thought, Really? Do people think that there’s anything to be outraged about?

You know people take superhero movie stuff even more seriously than Jesus these days, right?

I do. It’s crazy. But doing it again was in a way more fun than any other time. I think I invested myself more. Honestly, I’m probably too frightened to phone anything in. I would phone something in if I could. I just can’t allow it to happen. The kind of athletes I’ve always liked are the grinders. Guys who just said: “[Expletive] you. I’m going down hard.” So I thought about the character again, and I thought, OK, if you’re going to do it, don’t be a dick. Go to work. Do the thing. I don’t know how you are about this, but I never got the whole fascination with the superhero thing. We can laugh at the people who obsess but it’s none of my business what people think. Their interests are their interests. I didn’t want to disrespect it. I thought, Hey, man, embrace it. Be a professional and do everything a professional’s supposed to — but, well, all my conversations with Andy, (Andrés Muschietti, director of “The Flash.”) a couple things he wanted me to do I go, “Nah, I’m not doing that.” By the way, I’m talking about two little things where I said, “No, that’s not the character.” Because you have to honor that guy. After all these years, if you’re going to do this again, be respectful to the character and the movie. And Andy was right about a lot of stuff that I’d thought: I don’t know if you should do that with this guy. It’s all pulpy and everything, but Bruce Wayne’s an interesting character.

You know, I hadn’t realized that you and Tim Burton were still pals, and now I’m mentally stuck on the possibility of him all gothed out going fly-fishing with you in Montana.

[Laughs.] You know, the imagery does seem weird. I will tell you, here’s the thing about Tim Burton that a lot of people don’t know: Because he has certain mannerisms and personality and what his art looks like, I think there’s a little misperception. He’s refreshingly way more normal than people — I don’t know if normal is the right word but you know what I mean.

I’m going to keep sidetracking now — that’s your influence, by the way.

That’s good. That’s real good. Did you ever read “Tarantula”?

The Bob Dylan book? Yeah. (Dylan’s prose-poetry collection, published by Macmillan in 1971. Here’s how it starts: “aretha/ crystal jukebox queen of hymn & him diffused in drunk transfusion wound would heed sweet soundwave crippled & cry salute.”)

A guy like you probably said, “I understand all of this.” [Laughs.] I don’t even know if that’s a good book, but I remember when I read it, I was going, Wow, Dylan’s really deep. Then I went, But what is he talking about? Anyway, go ahead.

You got a good fishing story?

We were all hanging the other day — who was I talking to? Oh, I’ll tell ya! I was with my friend Skip Herman, who I fish with. Huey was there.

Huey? You don’t mean Huey Lewis?

Huey Lewis, yeah. Excellent angler. I think he had a scholarship to Cornell and —

The fishing story?

Oh, sorry. We’re sitting around telling these stories, how fly fishermen do, and I said, “Most of my fishing stories, they’re seldom about catching fish.” However, probably the best fish I ever caught was a steelhead up in British Columbia with a broken rod that I had to hold together in two pieces. When I say I chased this fish down: in and out of a drift boat five or six times. And when I say I chased this fish down: giant, hot white-water stretch of the Sustut in British Columbia, for about over an eighth of a mile, maybe closer to a quarter of a mile, and landed it with a broken rod. A buddy of mine who was a rod builder, I’ve never told him that his rod broke. He’ll take it well, he’s a good guy. You know, I probably do have some fishing stories. Maybe I’ll tell ya another time.

This interview has been edited and condensed for clarity from two conversations.

#Michael Keaton #Batman #Beelejuice #Worth #The Flash #The Protege #Birdman #Spotlight #Dopesick #V.A. Vandevere #Tim Burton

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iridescentides · 3 years

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okay. hsmtmts episode 3 thoughts under the cut

YES i always start with gina, and what about it??? i would die for her. anyway im CRYING over how she thought her mom forgot about her like? youve been gone for like 2 months, literally what parent would stop caring that quick? she doesnt think she deserves love like literally most of the time and my heart is ACHING

i came into this episode knowing the chocolates would be a bait and switch bc the preview 100% wanted us to think it was ricky. and yet i still caught myself believing he did it for a second there. i was looking forward to some good rina content this episode and i cant believe i let myself get bamboozled. like the conversation was nice but completely one-sided, and he ignored her to call nini; i get that hes literally in a relationship but im not a huge fan of how he just stopped giving a shit about gina once it wasnt romantic anymore? like,, they couldnt even stay friends?

generally my thing about rina isnt that i think its some big spectacular ship, but moreso that i always go for ships that make my favorite character the happiest. so most of my rina shipping comes from seeing how ricky was the first person that gina was so happy and open with, and how she trusts him even though she trusts literally no one ever and she just self-discloses around him unprompted. the infatuation and crush part on gina’s side is the part i like. but ricky? annoying n flaky as shit

random offshoot but i wouldve loved to see the chocolates come from ej. it wouldnt have made sense just based on the episode we were given, but what if gina and ricky had had that conversation in the hallway and ej overheard them and wanted to do something nice for her since he didnt have a gf to buy stuff for this year? could you IMAGINE? i know im gonna be complaining about how theyre throwing ej away all season but like seriously @ writers we get it youre getting rid of ej in s3. no need to cut him almost completely out of the show in s2. please someone give my man some PLOT im dying

ashlyn telling gina “i wish i could give you a valentine” is simultaneously gay and reeking of straight people nonsense. you can give your friends gifts on valentines day??? i didnt receive a romantic valentines gift until i was 17 years old but i still got stuff from friends every year? umm

speaking of ashlyn i get the track that theyre trying to go on by making it seem groundbreaking that a disney princess role went to someone whos not a size 2 but like. shes still a white woman and im tired. plus theyre dancing around it anyway. if you wanna give her body image issues then just fucking commit. half assing that conversation helps no one.

redlyn was very cute this episode. im still annoyed that theyre getting so much time and focus this season but like. i am a big red stan. the song in the credits was cute too

speaking of, tell me why they literally crammed all the songs at the end of this episode??? i was honestly thinking they wouldnt have any songs this week, thats how long it took

kourtneys beauty and the beast was pretty. also i know theyre gonna make howie her love interest bc clearly if a boy and girl on tv interact for more than 2 seconds it has to turn romantic. im pre-annoyed.

the ricky/nini plot didnt make a ton of sense bc... why didnt ricky just... hang out with her in the waiting room at the hospital? i am very confused as to why they had to make it so angsty and tropey like. youre literally in the same city and theres an easy solution here

im wondering if theyre gonna try to make miss jenn and mr mazzara a thing? im on the fence about how i feel about that tho. but i am annoyed that they didnt show miss jenns conversation with rickys dad at all

theyre making carlos so annoying this season, like idk whats going on or why they thought they needed to phone it in with his characterization this time around but like. what even was this seblos plot?

kourtney and seb conversations are always cute so i loved the piano scene

back to kourtney for a sec: why would big reds parents hire her as manager? why are they picking inexperienced teenagers for leadership roles? if nothing else, if howie has been around forever, why wouldnt they just promote him to manager??? instead of someone who has no idea how their pizza shop works like. i get that theyre trying to #girlboss kourtney this season, but was getting a job not enough growth and independence?

overall my biggest Gripe™ with this episode is that there wasnt enough gina or ej. and i get that its a big cast and not everyone can be the focus every time but literally when did redlyn become such a big priority to the writers? why are they getting so much screentime? i dont hate them or anything but like, i thought the main main characters were supposed to be nini, ricky, gina, and ej. so why is one of them getting like,, two lines per episode? im really out here picking up little ej crumbs like they wasted SO much potential with him as a character

#tldr we all know im a gina and ej stan first and a person second #so this was uhh not one of my favorite episodes #had some cute moments tho #hsmtmts lb #hsmtmts spoilers #txt #waffle words of wisdom

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hymnless-space-nugget · 3 years

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Let’s talk about what I’m deeming Toxic Motherhood!

(Idk if this an actual term, for I haven’t looked it up yet)

To me, Toxic Motherhood is when your mother always has the victim card up her sleeve, gaslights you into making things seem like it’s your fault, getting upset when you don’t do things the way she wants, don’t do things she suggests, don’t make her your ‘number one’, or when you express your boundaries, and she acts all this way because she thinks it’s okay since “she is your mother”.

I don’t understand why most mothers are like this and act immature and inappropriate towards their children. Parents shouldn’t have to guilt-trip their kids to get things to go their way. They should respect their child’s boundaries, no matter how old they are, understand that their child wants to grow up and become more independent, and understand when they are in the wrong.

All the characteristics of Toxic Motherhood are the signs of an abusive relationship, and would be immediate red flags if they were to occur in a partner-based relationship. Since my own mother acts this way, as a result of her behavior, I feel anxious whenever an “incident” occurs in my household; my dogs even notice too as they run and hide whenever my mom and sister have a fight (which happens often). It is very stressful and can ruin a whole day or trip, and you can feel it in the house/car. And if it’s some incident between me and my mom, she makes me second-guess myself and question my behavior.

I did have a serious talk with my mom about how she still treats me like a child (I am 24), how she plays the victim card, and how I want her to respect my boundaries. Our chat happened summer of ‘20, and I don’t recall much already from our discussion. Things I do recall are her saying “I cut the cord between her and I so fast” (because I want to become more independent), that I hurt her feelings very badly when I told her she needs consent before trying to see a part of my body (one day she was lifting my shirt without asking to see if I had a bruise on my back when I fell), and her telling me her life story and why she acts the way she does (which I empathized with; and she only explained her stubbornness and silly behavior). Thinking back, I feel we talked more about her emotional needs than my own. I feel I didn’t get to express my emotional needs as much as she did and that she turned it around and made herself the victim yet again pretty much acting like it was my fault for wanting to become independent, make boundaries, ask to be treated like an adult, have privacy, etc.

Our relationship has become better and we both talk to each other more appropriately than a few years ago. There are times where she still blames me for things I don’t even do. (Like my sister is a total bitch towards my mom all the time, has a huge chip on her shoulder, but they both treat each other horribly and feed off each other’s negative energy. My sister is very messy, disrespectful, and a hoarder. My mom had a ‘chat’ with both of us recently and had the audacity to say we both treat her like the scum of the earth, that we both never clean up after ourselves, that we both talk to her so terribly, and that she doesn’t know what she did to deserve any of it. At the time, a few days ago I flipped out how my mom used a butt wipe on her butt and didnt wash her hands. I was revolted, and I know she was referring to this little incident as evidence of my ‘terrible behavior towards her’. Anyways, the whole time I know she wasn’t talking to me because I am not disrespectful to her 24/7, super messy, and talk rude to her like my sister does. My mom was totally projecting and over-generalizing, blaming me for things I don’t do.).

Just like with anyone, if they cross over/don’t respect my boundaries, if they do things that are genuinely nasty or trigger my issues with germs, if they irritate me, yeah I am going to respond accordingly, stand up for myself, or let my emotions out. Just because they are a family member or someone I love doesn’t make them immune to any of that. I’m not gonna give, or I hate to give, someone special treatment just for the sake of their feelings.

I am so tired of this. I’ve done what I can, but I know we need to have another talk, but worry if it will end me back in the same boat. My whole family needs to see a family therapist because this is ridiculous. I see where all our faults are and where we can do better, and I know I’m biased since I only truly know my perspective, but I feel as if I’m the only one trying to make things better. I canNOT wait to move out because I don’t need this extra stress in my life, whether it is from others in my house or if it’s the stress I get for having to give-in to others for the sake of the fact that they can’t handle their emotions.

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obeymematches · 3 years

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Hello! May I request for a matchup?

I am a bisexual, Demigirl ENFP-T personality type.

I'd say I'm somewhat independent but would love to have someone by my side to happily live with, I find trust as something that is very important and due to past reasons it can be difficult to earn my full trust. I try to always be a reasonable and mature person, but I can get irritated at a few things (like LGBTQ+ discrimination, racism or plain asshole stupidity) that can tick off a temper, but usually I'm a person of patience, though if I do get really angry then I'm gonna also end up having a mental breakdown later -. I'm fine with waiting and am usually very forgiving. Religiously I'm an atheist, technically ex-christian due to family reasons. I come from Estonia, so I'm bilingual with English and Estonian but am also learning Russian and German. (Thinking of learning Japanese one day too)

I'm a rather fidgety person, fingers always have to be doing something, I can also have rather terrible memory sometimes with things and can forget.

I have low self confidence and self worth, usually struggle to be optimistic and can be rather emotional, also often an absolute empath when it comes to fictional characters for example.

I can be a workaholic and can be terrible at taking care of myself, I easily lose track of time and can forget to eat at times, also have a fuzzy appetite so sometimes I might not want to eat anything at all. I care alot about other people's well being though, for me appearance doesn't matter, I care for the personality and think everyone is beautiful in their own way. I am a short chubby brunette with a boy haircut and brown eyes, my hair is often thick and poofy and sometimes hell to take care of, due to some health reasons I have an itchy scalp and have to often scratch my head. My fashion depends on just if the clothes are comfortable to wear in the moment, that's it. I wear glasses due to a bit of a negative in my sight.

I sometimes struggle to have a balanced sleep schedule and am often stressed.

I hold a strong love for animals and the nature around us. I especially love cats and reptiles and own a cat and a leopard gecko who I would die for.

Fiction is an important part of my life, the moment I get interested in in some show or franchise you can expect me to become an absolute nerd for it, (good example is Pokemon.) I am the type to analyze characters and really care about everything. Books, shows, movies, theatre, anything goes. I really also love music, 60% of the time you can find me listening to music somewhere, maybe even singing, I multitask alot too. My music taste depends on what connections I make to fictional media, especially that of my own, aka stories and characters I've created. My mind is always going like a 1000km/h with all types of thoughts, my own fictional universe only keeps expanding which I wish to share with the world. My dream is to become a writer one day, which I'm very passionate about, and another thing I really want to do one day is travel the world. I also do some art and animation, but intend to keep it as a hobby on the side.

I'm an ambivert, shy and hesitant around new people especially those of higher authority and importance, but incredibly outgoing with the people I'm familiar and comfortable with, never getting tired from them. Affection starved, expect lots of hugs, not that much into PDA tho. For me first impression matter, on my part, I am quick to think that people hate me or are annoyed with me.

Even with my fuzzy appetite I do like food, especially of strong flavour, I tend to seem to like asian or Italian food alot. I'd say I'm decent and cooking but not very good at baking.

Minimalistic, not very demanding when it comes to anything, it's basically like "Better than nothing." would be the type to live in a rather small house one day. Somewhat organized in my own way, sometimes I can act a little OCD though when something is out of place in a manner that it's just - no.

I can be rather talkative, when getting in a conversation with me expect to talk for hours about all types of things, wherever the conversation goes. Even better when it's over a cup of tea or a long walk somewhere outside.

I usually try to be as polite and kind as possible, though I sometimes struggle, I always try to have hope for the world, despite my incredibly pessimistic mindset.

For a partner, I look for someone I can geniuenly be happy and comfortable with, someone I can be open with and not worry about being lied to. I would be incredibly loyal to them and I'd hope them to be as well, of course, I don't get jealous or worked up if they're hanging out with friends. I want them to also be happy, someone I feel like I could spend the rest of my life with. Someone who'd be okay with traveling and seeing the world with, someone I can just have a moment to relax with, sometimes just talk and listen to eachother. Like stated before the appearance for me doesn't matter, it's the personality- what's inside that does. I shall note, the harmless teasing can get to me. Someone who's a geniuenly good person despite whatever flaws they might have.

I hope this is long enough ^^

Hi my dear patient anon!

guess what time it is!✨

i put a read more because it’s one long post!

OK so as I read through your request I had Levi, Belphie, Beel and Satan on my mind. Though Belphie is out of the picture fast since you have low self-esteem and if anyone then he probably would take advantage of that. Satan too I think. (I know in general he is viewed as an overall good boy but i feel like he might scare someone with low confidence levels when he is at his worst. also he can be manipulative too if there is a situation)

wait- damn- Simeon also exists (also Mammon? though with him and you it’d be a very rough start)

so after some elimination and comparison between dynamics including Simeon, Levi and Beel I decided to match you with Levi but I highly encourage befriending the other two! ✨ Simeon because of the similar interests + excellent cooking and Beel because he is a mom-friend + you’d always have something to eat too if he is your friend!

phew it wasn’t an easy decision but here it is!

Okay so let’s see Levi

Okay first things first I think we need to change your level of confidence my friend. Which means starting off this relationship as friendship - honestly he is on the same page as you regarding this for similar reasons so you two can relate to the other. But once you gain a healthy amount of sense of self-worth + confidence I think this friendship could develop into a very loving and healthy relationship!

Just because he is a demon I don’t think he would use you, lie to you, manipulate you or anything similar to that. I mean you have similar interests and in canon Levi shows just the bare minimum of interest to someone whose lifestyle + likes aren’t similar to his. Also you’re his only friend besides Henry so why would he treat you bad I mean come on!!! he’s not stupid!!

Since your relationship is based on being friends trust will come in time, do not worry! Levi is also picky when it comes to ppl so again as you are in the same boat you understand the other deeply.

I mean Levi can be serious when the situation calls for it but in general you being with him would give you a nice balance with your maturity. He’s not childish but he has different approaches! Meaning he could learn from you but you could also learn from him!

Tbh i highly doubt he would ever tick you off either or purpose or not. He is mostly annoyed by stupid ppl (like Mammon) and normies but since you are also into anime you’re safe!

You having an interest in languages is something he will find fun! if i recall in the devildom there’s only one language? (they speak human for you though) so finding out about human world lore like that through you is going to be fun! also pls learn Japanese with him! (pretty sure he already knows so he could help you practice)

Okay so he can also spiral down due to lack of self-worth + self-love but as his friend you’re not supposed to let that happen!!

well he also tends to forget about himself but on a side note he is very caring about you and your health so he is faster at taking care of you than himself. That’s why you have to look after the other especially at first when both of your self-worth levels are so low.

pls tell him he is beautiful he will be flustered for the rest of the day but it’s worth it trust me

he absolutely finds glasses cute af he just has to look at you and !!!

He’s not big into fashion either, though he would love to cosplay with you so hopefully you are ok with wearing cosplay sometimes!

Also your workaholic tendencies might get to him sometimes? like i’m not saying he is lazy but for sure he could do better. Thanks to your influence he will do better!

the two of you gushing over fictional characters is just so cute;; think about that!!

ok he is your #1 supporter of becoming a writer!! pls let him be your beta reader aaaaa

well both of you are passionate so the emount of encouragement happening in this relationship is to die for

him being a shut-in means he’s not very big on traveling, but if he could go with you he’s quick to change his mind!

he also has trouble balancing a healthy sleep schedule but that just means you two can spend more time together so it’s a win-win situation

pls leave your cat with Satan when you visit Levi’s room because of Henry :( your gecko is more than welcome though!!!

okay he is also affection starved af but he would never initiate to save his life so here you being an ambivert is helpful!! also it leaves you space to tease him which is always fun!

regarding food you have a nice balance going on, he is more of a baker and you are the opposite! though cooking/baking with the other is always fun!! when he notices your lack of eating he will make sure to order/bake delicious food from the human world for you!

well he isn’t the messiest so hopefully your OCd wouldn’t kick in when you spend time in his room. I like to HC that he is actually very clean. If anything is out of place in his room it is because it was meant to be there. Or he was in a hurry.

about long walks outside you’d probably have to nag him a bit but soon he will realize that it’s actually not so bad.

bby is one of the most loyal demons out there so no worries you’re safe!! however he can be jealous easily so it’s nice that you are also loyal! just make sure to clear boundaries before establishing a relationship!

he’s not one to tease you but he is very into you teasing him, so that’s that

overall i don’t think this relationship would have huge conflicts - sure, you have to nag him about going out but he is not going to protest once he learns that it’s actually. fun. to go out sometimes. i’m more concerned about the two of you’s self-worth and confidence levels, but again it’s about what you do for growth and it’s not something that can’t be changed if you want to change it. besides these i think it’s a very healthy relationship and you both can be yourselves!

#obey me #obey me!#obey me swd #obey me levi #obey me leviathan #om! levi #obey me matchup

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purplesurveys · 3 years

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1105

surveys by seachaange

What do you do when someone is talking to you about something you don't care about? I listen and try to ask questions or add my own input so that they can see that even though I personally don’t care about the thing they’re talking about, I’m invested in them.

What is the best pizza place in your neighbourhood? Erm, we don’t really have a lot of independent pizza joints, actually. Most of the ones I see are chain restaurants like Pizza Hut and Domino’s. The best pizza I’ve had is from Vu’s at Marco Polo, but it’s been a whileeeee since I’ve had their food. Mama Lou’s pizza is also good.

Do you have Photoshop installed on your computer? I do but I only had it installed for school. I have no personal interest to learn it.

Are there any teachers you have that you are close with? I wouldn’t say that. I’m kinda chummy with one of my English teachers from high school - like he knew about me and Gab and supported us, I show my support for his art, we greet each other every now and then, etc - but we’re not ‘close.’

Do you have friends that play field hockey? No.

What about soccer? Not friends but I do know a number people who play football, yeah.

Do you think homosexuals are leading a bad lifestyle? This question aged like milk, didn’t it...

What do you think of the iPad? I remember when it blew up like crazy. It was such a revolutionary thing back when it was new, so much so that my dad even felt the need to buy one. It was fun when the hype lasted; but nowadays I don’t know people who would still seek out an iPad other than artists and law/med students, lmfao.

Do you put lotion on after you get out of the shower? I don’t.

Do you have any concerts on dvd? A lot, but they’re of concerts from a time when DVDs were still a thing. I haven’t had a new DVD in around 7-8 years.

Do you still have a VHS player? I think my parents have thrown theirs out already.

Has anyone ever given you a promise ring? No.

Do you send postcards to people when you go on vacation? I don’t. But aw, this made me remember when Jo did a summer exchange program in London and she sent postcards to Aya in the few months that she had been away. I thought that was sweet.

What do you think is the most comfortable shoe? Out of the pairs I have, my Onitsuka Tiger shoes for sure.

Have you seen Lady Gaga's music video for Telephone? That was suuuuuuch a big deal when it came out. Yes, I definitely have and I must’ve watched it a thousand times. Also rude, Beyoncé was in there too lol

If so, what do you think of it? It was so creative and a lot of fun to watch, especially for 2009 when artists weren’t exactly daring with music video concepts yet. I can’t believe they never collaborated again since.

What do you think of the septum piercing? It’s great.

Do you frequently skip class? Depends on my interest in the class/the professor, OR how tired I am that week. I skipped my psychology elective a lot because I didn’t think the instructor was all that great; and as much as I loved every single one of my history classes, there were a few sessions I voluntarily had to skip because I wasn’t doing mentally well. It really depends.

When you're really thirsty, what do you enjoy drinking most? Water. Anything else wouldn’t be able to quench my thirst as well.

What do you find inspirational in the world? I think it differs based on what I need to see at a given time, I guess. At this point in my life, I like hearing from people who have risen from their trust and abandonment issues, because it’s what I’ve been going through as well. I probably never would’ve found something like that inspirational, say, 6 months ago, so it really depends.

When hanging out with your bf or gf, what do you like doing most? I’m a very ‘let’s spend time in silence’ type of person. I cherished it the most when my ex and I would go to a coffee shop and work for hours, in complete and comfortable silence; or when I would be driving and no words would be exchanged for nearly the entire ride. Even though I stay quiet, in those moments I’m actually very happy. Of course new experiences are great too, but I personally enjoy the conventional ‘boring’ stuff the most when with a partner.

What do/did you think of your high school? Teeming with homophobia, bigotry, and just your typical Catholic gatekeepy judgmental environment. I look back at high school fondly because of the friends I made, not because of the toxic environment they nurtured in there.

What is the dirtiest rap song you have ever heard? I don’t listen to a lot of rap. But as an 11 year old listening to Nicki Minaj’s Itty Bitty Piggy, I was immediately traumatized lmao. I still can’t listen to that song.

What about a dirty song in any other genre? Uhhhhhhhhh probably Drunk in Love?? Lmaoooo I’d die for Beyoncé a million times but I always skip that song. My asexual ass just can’t deal.

What is a genre of music you simply can't stand? One of them is techno.

What is, in your opinion, the best way of dealing with a break up? Being kind to yourself.

What flavour of Doritos do you like best? I’ve only ever tried the nacho cheese flavor, but I love that one.

Where do you do your grocery shopping? I don’t do the grocery shopping in the family but my parents usually do it at SM or at this local store we have nearby.

Would you ever go to a comedy club? Yes, with a friend so I’d be more comfortable.

Do you think Victoria's Secret is overpriced? I haven’t been in one of their stores in a while, so I can’t really say.

Do you still have a VHS player? Again, I don’t think so.

Do you have a tumblr? :))))))

Why is it that photography is becoming a trend? So this survey was made in 2010 and I can definitely confirm it was a crazy huge trend lol. Even I got into it and asked my parents to get me a DSLR back then. Anyway, I think it was because during this time, DSLRs had been slowly becoming a thing? and they were kiiiiiiiinda cheap - at least cheap enough to be accessible to a large amount of people - so it allowed people to play with different styles that were very unfamiliar at the time, like light painting, fisheye, close-ups, etc. And then at one point everyone had DSLRs and it just wasn’t as enjoyable anymore because everyone was doing the same kinds of trendy shots lol.

What is the funniest movie you have ever seen? I’m gonna go with The Proposal - Sandra Bullock was gold in that movie.

Did you watch American Idol this past season? No. Do they still air new seasons of that?? I stopped watching when the same guitar-playing, country-singing white men kept winning.

If so, how did you feel about the winner? It’s been more than a decade since I last cared for the show.

Don't you hate it when one of your earbuds stops working? Sure.

Do you have a normal landline, or do you use MagicJack? Holy shit I have not heard of MagicJack in a goddamn WHILE lmao, what a throwback. We had one, I’m pretty sure...but I never knew what it was for.

Do you even use a house phone anymore? Landlines are still common in the Philippines. Are they not in other countries? Hahahaha.

Would you ever consider dating someone who lived across the country? If I loved, trusted, and was committed to them enough, yes.

What was the most expensive restaurant you've ever eaten at? I wasn’t able to track the name but I’m pretty sure it was the fine dining restaurant in our cruise trip that my parents treated me to for my birthday.

Do/did you take foods classes in high school? My school didn’t offer such a class, but we had home economics and we were occasionally taught how to cook and bake certain dishes.

Do you have a tattoo? No, not yet.

If you do, describe the pain you went thru when getting it done. Eugh this is what I’m scared of :((((

Do you enjoy making hemp necklaces and bracelets? I’ve never tried.

Have you ever watched the show Strangers With Candy? I’ve never even heard of it before, I’m sure.

What is your favourite bookstore? Fully Booked, because their collection is expansive, always complete, and they let you take a book of the shelves and read it if you’d like.

Have you ever used torrents? Mostly throughout high school. I did use a torrent to download Midsommar recently, though.

How can we tell if you are in a bad mood? I go quiet.

How are you when you're in a really good mood? Complete opposite - I will be bubbly and chatty, especially in instances when I’m not really expected to be.

Are you nice to everyone, even people you don't like? Yes.

When you're bored in class, what do you do? I seldom found myself bored in class because I’m constantly furiously taking notes. But if the prof themselves are very boring and there’s nothing to take notes about, I go ahead and check my social media either from my phone or laptop.

Would you rather go to Lollapalooza, Warped Tour, or Bonnaroo? As a teenager, I had always wanted to go to Warped Tour. As I’ve gotten older, though, the lineups for Lollapalooza have appealed to me more. Plus it’s in Chicago, soooooo a million more brownie points for that.

Do you have anything that is autographed? By who? Yeah, I have an autographed poster of AJ Lee. It was my most prized possession and I even placed it on a big picture frame and had it up on my wall for yearsssssssss, and then my mom had to take it down because of course it’s my mom and of course she had to do it.

Can you sleep when it's really hot? Welcome to summer months in the Philippines.

Do you know anyone who works at McDonald's? I think Carley does, but idk if that’s changed in the last few months. I don’t stay updated about her life, haven’t been for years.

Do you have a debit card? Yes.

What bank do you (or your family) use? I am not sharing that lol.

Would you ever hitchhike? I think I’m mostly open to it, though I will say I’ve read enough stories about murders that involve hitchhiking that make me a little scared of the idea, hahah.

Have you ever been kayaking? We did a boat thing in Palawan a few years ago but I’m not sure if that was kayaking or canoeing. Anywho, the experience was breathtaking.

Do you have a problem with swimming in a pond or lake? In the context of my country, yeah, because our natural bodies of water aren’t exactly...the cleanest, lmao. I’d feel much more comfortable swimming in a private beach.

Does anyone in your family go hunting or fishing? Nope. But maybe some of my relatives living in the US do?? Idk for sure.

What do/did you do when someone you barely knew asks you to sign their yearbook? We don’t really practice that. Only the really expensive, bougie, international schools here that have foreign students to begin with do that, I think.

In high school are you/were you in the plays and musicals? No.

Do you have a birdbath in your yard? No, we don’t.

Is the house you live in old or new? It’s fairly new; we had it first built in 2005 and we officially moved in 2008.

Where do you go when you need a new pair of sneakers? Depends on what brand I’m in the mood to buy.

Do you make New Year's Resolutions, or do you not even bother? I typically don’t.

Most annoying commercial? Haven’t been paying attention to them lately.

What does your favourite bathing suit look like? It’s just a simple black bikini but its overall shape and design is super cute and chic.

Do you like Silly Bandz? No.

If you do, how many do you have and what are your favourite shapes?

What do you think of My Super Sweet 16? I never watched it because I feel like I’d only get stressed if I did.

Do you have mini-blinds in your house? I have pull-down window shades in my room, not blinds.

Do you rent your home or do you own it? My parents own it.

What is your favourite song right now? Trigger by Hayley Williams.

Do you use Firefox? Nope.

Do you have a pool in your backyard? We don’t.

Do you have a gym membership? No.

Favourite field trip you've ever been on? Freshman year of high school when we went to two museums :)

#survey #surveys

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