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asunafairywizardessheart · 1 year

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Silent Regret

Part 1: Alone.

Elias/MC

Walter Goldstein regrets the pain and suffering he has caused for his son. Now that he has left home and the mansion is deserted, he wants nothing more than to apologise to him.

Somewhere deep inside the palace-like mansion of the Goldstein estate, sounds of a liquid being poured into a glass echoed through the marble halls. It came from inside the office of the Haus of Goldstein’s patriarch, Walter Goldstein. The size of a small apartment, elegantly symmetrical, marble floors and decorations of expensive artwork, trinkets and finishings, the office reflected the wealth and status of the kingdom’s most wealthiest and powerful wizarding family. An honour the family has had bestowed on them for many centuries.

The only entrance into the marble-floored office was through a set of heavy, antique-looking double doors that only opened inwards to the office. Like most of the architectural elements in the house, they were custom designed with intricate chocolate coloured panelling inlayed with a golden brass with golden door levers and locks to match.

Walter’s mahogany oak desk, facing the doors, was placed deep inside the room, closer to the wide ceiling-to-floor arch windows, which were also the only two windows within the office, that filled the room with natural light. The positioning of his large desk was justified to accommodate the left and right walls that were transformed into thick bookshelves and glass cabinets, stretching the length of the room and holding all his professional and personal books, documents and other valuable trinkets.

Just to the left of the entrance was an arrangement of two brown leather armchairs facing a single black leather armchair separated by a small oval-shaped antique table. This was his conference space where he conducted lengthy meetings with various people – some diplomatic and some personal – in supreme comfort and privacy. When he didn’t have company, Walter sat on a comfortable black leather armchair at his desk. He would either work on blueprints for another magical tool invention, case files for ministry and government investigations or reports from the Haus of Goldstein’s many private enterprises and philanthropic missions.

Thus, the office for the patriarch served many purposes – an office, a personal library, a study, a private conference room and a trove for his most valuable possessions. However, for many years now, especially when the mood struck, the room became a lonely sanctuary for him to depressively wallow alone and deeply reflect on his regrets in life. Most prominently, his failure as a father towards his youngest son, Elias, which would also become the catalyst for his family’s suffering and misery. Once upon a time, the palace-like home was lively and colourful but now, because of him, the home had become silent, empty and dismal.

All who remained here was himself and his wife, Mary. Walter often heard her weeping, the tears of a mother’s broken heart because of the fractured state of her family and the worry she felt for her three sons. Alfonse had deserted the home and family with his whereabouts unknown. Klaus became guarded and hardened his heart to the world and moved out of the home too, desperate to be anywhere but within these walls. Today, it was Elias’ turn to leave the home to embark on his journey into adulthood but he was miserable. He barely smiled nor had any bright energy behind his amethyst eyes. Rather, he was obsessed with his mission to prove himself to his father and gain his acceptance. Elias’ misery, anxiety, unsociability and sole interest in magic was a result of Walter’s ill-tempered draconian parenting that destroyed their bond and shattered Elias’ heart.

Despite the tension that caused this rift, Walter loved his family and they loved him but they were angry with Walter, especially Elias – who he had hurt the most – overshadowed this fact. That anger further driven by Walter’s incapacity to apologise and atone for his mistakes. Walter realises his impotence to apologise and atone for his mistakes deepened his family’s disgust, caused further damage to his relationship with Elias and added to Elias’ suffering. Instead, Walter isolated himself to his office to pitifully endure the emotional pain, a symptom, of his entrenched remorse that he felt he deserved.

The case files and reports he had been working on earlier that day were left scattered across the surface of his desk along with a photo album he had been flipping through, leaving it open on a family portrait, taken during their happier days, of himself and his three sons when they were young . Day had since turned to night with the office shadowed in pitch darkness with the silver glow of the full moon the only source of light that reached Walter at his desk.

Elias had left home and so he was in a sullen mood and found it difficult to concentrate on anything else. In a cupboard below the surface of the desk, Walter kept a square-shaped crystal decanter and a matching short glass. Those two items became his confidants when he brooded. The decanter was filled to the brim with his favourite aged whiskey along with the matching crystal glass. He paced every sip from the glass until it was empty and refilled it once again, and should the decanter run dry he had his wand nearby to refill it until he had enough or until he fell asleep.

The alcohol didn’t really make a difference, but it was a nice aesthetic. It didn’t dull or numb his pain he felt. Rather, he felt as if the alcohol intensified every layer of his pain to the point it became unbearable, but he endured it as his punishment.

Memories of all the awful things he had said and done to Elias were viewed with more clarity, and in hindsight, he corrected himself on what he should have done, not that it made any difference to the present circumstances.

“It’s easier to make the right decisions in hindsight,” he uttered, depressingly, to no one.

The alcohol made him see and hear the things he refused to notice back then, especially when it came to Elias and how much Walter had hurt him. He even could hear the begging cries from his wife and two other sons, who pleaded to him to change how he treated Elias. Their eventual disgust at him no doubt born by witnessing Elias’ happy and bright energy fade into melancholy as he abandoned all his other interests in pursuit of his father’s approval. Walter’s pride, stubbornness and temper blindly made him act severely towards Elias.

The alcohol also made Walter’s desires stronger especially when yearning for the day when is family was whole again. But, mostly, for the day where he had the courage and the right to speak to Elias once again and express his unconditional love he always held for his son, despite everything he had done and said that made it seem as though Walter rejected him.

This made Walter mourn for the time that had been lost between them and the more time they would lose the longer he waited to reach out to Elias and beg for a chance to atone for all his wrongs, but he didn’t deserve his son’s forgiveness. All he wanted was to make Elias a stronger person and wizard. But, he had foolishly put the family’s public image, legacy and pride above the welfare of his son and the happiness of his family.

“One day,” Walter thought to himself, “One day, I will have the right to call you my son again.”

Now that Elias was gone, unsure when he would return home, Walter anxiously wondered if he would ever see him again and if he had wasted all his opportunities to begin making amends. A stray tear left Walter’s eye and dropped into the glass of whiskey he held close to his lips.

“Elias…,” Walter whispered his name into the glass of whiskey, “…I apologise. I’m sorry. I’m so very sorry.”

“…I never meant to hurt you,” he whispered, hoping his whispers would somehow reach his son who was now very far away from home, “I love you, more than you know,” He whispered before taking another sip of his now tear-stained whiskey.

Desperate to ensure his three sons continued their family’s proud legacy of producing powerful and intelligent wizards, Walter set high expectations for his three sons. Alfonse and Klaus naturally possessed innate power and genius intellect and met his expectations with ease. Elias, although intelligent, lacked the same innate powerful abilities as his ancestors, his father and his two older brothers. Failing to meet Walter’s high standards, Walter became frustrated and disappointed with his son that his teaching methods became draconian.

Expecting him to possess a dormant power, Walter pushed Elias to his limits to forcibly unleash that power befitting a son of the Haus of Goldstein, often placing him in physically dangerous scenarios. But to no avail. Elias consistently failed to perform magic to his father’s high standards and would sometimes sustain injuries from either losing control of his magic or his spells backfiring. Walter’s frustration often boiled over into explosive verbal attacks which no doubt remain deep-rooted in Elias’ memories.

There were so many incidents of this abuse as it lasted for many years from when Elias was a young child until he was a pre-teen. Walter remembered everything he had done and said from every incident that turned abusive. He hated that he was aware of what he was doing back then but refused to acknowledge and apologise for it. Especially now, that when he brooded his memory would select a memory at random to reminisce every detail about that moment – the tears that stained Elias’ eyes and the bloody cuts and bruises he’d sustain when his spells failed or couldn’t block a spell and Walter’s unwillingness to administer a healing spell or check his welfare, the harmful, hot-tempered things Walter would say to Elias, he remembered it all. Most heartbreakingly, was watching Elias become afraid of his father and overhearing him asking his mother and brothers why his father hated him. It was like a punishment he couldn’t escape from that more tears leaked from Walter’s eyes and into his glass of whiskey.

Upon recollection, Walter had been warned numerously by his wife and his two other sons that his abuse of Elias would end in them having a strained relationship. He laughed it off, “absurd!” he’d used to say, believing his methods was nothing more than a father giving his son some tough love that Elias would thank him for once his inner powers were finally unleased and he was worthy of his illustrious name. He was wrong, so very wrong. They were right. Regrettably, he should’ve listened. One hot-tempered decision Walter made, that Elias had overheard, in a private conversation didn’t just strain their relationship, it severed it.

“I should have listened,” Walter muttered to no one, taking a sip from his glass, “What a stubborn fool I am now. Klaus was right, I’m now paying the price for all my sins. Elias hates me.”

Six years ago, the abuse stopped because Walter did something that he is most ashamed and regrets it ever happening that if he had the ability to use time magic, he would happily take advantage of that power to prevent this one thought from ever leaving his mouth as it would forever wound his family and sever his relationship with Elias. It happened right here, in his office six years, three months and seven days ago.

Walter – abandoned his son.

And, since that day, they barely exchanged a word – except for public events to save face – and had become quite estranged. The day of their falling out, Walter remembered it like it happened yesterday.

**** Six years ago…

Klaus was home from the academy and Alfonse had run away from home. Elias was eleven years old and still failed to measure up to his father’s high standards. Their training session had abruptly ended with Walter verbally lashing out at Elias yet again for not performing magic at the standard he expected for a son of the Haus of Goldstein. Elias, dejected, retreated to his chambers while Walter, filled with anger, returned to his office. After some time, he still hadn’t calmed down and had summoned Klaus.

“I don’t know what to do anymore?” Walter paced back and forth in the space behind his armchair, “What is the matter with him?”

Klaus sighed, “Father, as a suggestion — “

“No!” Walter cut him off, “I do not want to hear anymore excuses for that boy!”

Walter felt the rage burn within him and heaved a frustrated sigh, “No more,” he shook his head.

Little did he know that Elias had come to return a tome on magical tools he had borrowed from one of his father’s bookshelves. Hearing the deep and angered voice of his father’s and Klaus’ quieter tone attempting to calm him down and reason with him, he didn’t enter, afraid of receiving another barrage of hurtful words. On hearing his name being spoken, he decided to listen and used his wand to cast a spell to hear their words much more clearly.

“He just needs —” Klaus tried to interject.

“No!” Walter refused, “I have no desire to waste anymore of my time on someone so weak!”

Klaus thought that was too harsh, “He’s trying his hardest,” Klaus tried to reason, “I think he is quite skilled.”

“Skilled? Are you joking?” Walter huffed, “He has no creativity and ingenuity in his magic and yet you say he is skilled.”

Klaus sighed, “He’s still young, Father.”

“How long are you going to use his age as an excuse?” Walter became annoyed that Klaus was defending Elias, “You may continue to train him if you wish but I will not be in the picture!”

Walter bit down on his lip, his anger not subsiding any time soon and laying down a framed photo of himself and Elias so he couldn’t see the image any longer.

“What do you mean by that?” Klaus asked, observing his father’s actions.

“How can he possibly be a son of mine!” with a hand still placed on the photo frame, he clenched his fist and angrily punched the back causing the stand to snap off and the glass cover on the other side to break, “I can’t have someone so weak at magic representing this family!”

Klaus didn’t flinch at his father’s violent reaction but was surprised by his motions. But, he worried more about the words that left his mouth.

“Father, please calm down,” Klaus urged, “You don’t want to do or say anything you don’t mean.”

“I do mean it!” Walter angrily responded, “Until he an prove to me he can perform magic at the expected aptitude of a Goldstein, he is not worthy of his name nor worthy as my child.”

“Think about what you’re saying!” Klaus begged him. “Imagine how much that would hurt Elias if he heard you say that!”

“I have thought about it!” Walter shouted, “I do mean it!”

“I’m not letting you abandon him like this!” Klaus shouted back, disgusted by the words that left his father’s mouth, “I won’t stand by for you to hurt him like this. He doesn’t deserve it! He already thinks that you hate him so if you say this to him, he’s going to think it’s true.”

“Well, maybe I do!” Walter retorted, defensively.

“You don’t!” Klaus didn’t want to hear it though, “You are not thinking clearly!”

“I am!” Walter shouted.

With that, Klaus angrily let out a heavy tsk but didn’t respond and an uncomfortable, silent tension fell across the room. Walter turned his back on Klaus and stressfully ran a hand over his face. He refused to turn back and stared outside the window overlooking a large patch of grass they used as a practical magic training ground, the enormous gardens that decorated the estate blurred in the background. Meanwhile Klaus’ sharp gaze glared angrily at his father’s back.

On the other side of the door, Elias felt as though his heart had shattered into a thousand tiny pieces. The tears he had held back silently gushed out of him uncontrollably. His vision was blurred by his tears that wet his cheeks, hands and the book he was holding as they fell. His knees and legs began to wobble as if all his strength was drained from them. Unable to stand properly he crouched down in front of the door. He didn’t know why but this pain that he felt was like physical blow – it hurt, like some force was painfully tearing him apart from the inside.

Summoned by the shouting echoing down the hall from the office, Mary hurried to see what was going on with intentions of stepping in to stop the fighting if it was required. Arriving at the entrance to Walter’s office, she found Elias crouched down, clutching the book he was holding close to his chest and in tears.

“Whatever,” Klaus muttered from inside the office, “Do what you want but I hope you know what price you are paying.”

“What price!” Walter scoffed.

“Elias,” Klaus answered, “Elias is what you are willing to sacrifice.”

“That doesn’t make any sense!” Walter responded.

Klaus understood what he meant but explained anyway, “Are you willing to damage your relationship with him? If you go through with this, he may grow up to resent you. I don’t want that for him. I don’t want another person he looks up to abandoning him so cruelly.”

“Then tell him to become the son that I expect him to be!” Walter demanded.

Klaus could feel his own rage burning inside of him, provoked by his father’s decision to hurt his younger brother. He couldn’t hear anymore of this drivel, “It’s no use talking to you when you’re like this!” Klaus tsked and angrily pulled down on the golden lever of the door to leave the room.

Elias could hear the stomping of footsteps coming to the door and scrambled to find the strength to gather himself back onto his feet and wipe the tears off his face to both hide the fact he had eavesdropped and the agony he was currently feeling after overhearing his father’s intentions to abandon him for not being good enough. As Mary was about to approach her son, the office door swung open with the door opening backwards into the office with a gust of air ruffling Elias’ golden hair.

“Elias!” Klaus was stunned to see him standing there.

Up close, Elias’ eyes were red and his complexion was pale. His expression downward and twisting with the torment that was ripping him apart from within. His focus appeared disoriented and his body appeared limp, like all his strength had been drained. Klaus knew he had overheard everything. Klaus then saw his mother in the back with her voiceless lips asking what was going on. Klaus signalled he would explain later as he was more worried about his younger brother who held a book to his chest.

Even though those words left his mouth, Walter instantly felt an unpleasant guilt tingling within him. “How much did he hear?” Walter wondered and, with a gulp of salvia, turned around to gauge his son’s body language to discover the answer to that question. Other than his eyes, Walter observed him looking distraught and disoriented. Walter, Mary and Klaus knew that he was just trying to be strong and fool them into thinking he didn’t hear anything but they saw right through it. The tension in the air was intense.

Elias wordlessly stumbled past his brother.

“Elias?” Klaus called out to him first.

Elias didn’t answer him as he stumbled toward a bookshelf in the middle of the right side wall where Walter kept most of his tomes. Walter’s eyes fixed on his son, Klaus and Mary worriedly watched on. Elias fumbled trying to place the book in its rightful spot, between two other tomes, on a shelf that was level with his head. Eventually, he slotted it into the gap.

Turning to face his father and meeting his gaze, Walter noticed his reddened eyes and the way the light shined off his tear-stained cheek. The distorted and twisted pain on his face as if something was tearing him apart from inside of him. Walter instantly knew he had overheard everything. Upon that realisation, even his own heart began to ache as he felt guilty.

Elias broke the silence with a shaking voice, “…T-Thank you for letting me borrow your tome. I was just returning it to you,” he bowed.

Walter had never seen Elias bow to him like this before. It didn’t sit well with him.

Elias made the motion to leave the room, quickly slipping past his brother again, but Walter couldn’t just ignore this like he did every other time he had hurt Elias. This was different.

“Elias, wait!” he chased after his son who stumbled from his office.

Elias stopped but didn’t turn around to face him, afraid of his tears pouring out of his uncontrollably like it did before. He refused to allow his father, who thought of him as weak, to see him shed any tears. “What?” Elias’ voice trembled.

Walter didn’t get too close to him but needed to know how much Elias had heard, “How much… did you hear?” Walter asked, nervously.

What emotion was this now? Anger? Sadness? Contempt? Was he expecting an apology instead of being asked what he overheard?

Elias hesitated to answer, “…Nothing I haven’t heard before,” he said in a low voice, somehow finding some courage to speak back to his father.

His low voice surprised Walter that it was painful to hear, “A-Anything else?”

“What are you expecting that I heard?” Elias asked, hoping for an apology or anything that told him that his father really didn’t mean what he had just overheard him say.

Walter didn’t answer Elias, he knew the answer.

“What part did you want me to hear?” Elias rephrased his question, unintentionally raising his voice slightly.

Slowly, Elias turned around to confront his father. Their eyes met. Walter’s eyes widened with surprise as Elias’ gaze narrowed in anger toward him. “…E-Elias…,” Mary also was surprised, “…Let’s just calm down.”

Elias ignored his mother’s cries. The only person he could see was Walter, his father. A man he feared because of all the abuse he had received but a man, despite all he had done, respected and loved. But, those feelings were now being torn into pieces as he realised his father didn’t love him in return.

“…The part where you said that I am not good enough to be a Goldstein? Or, was it the part where you admitted that you hate me. That, you don’t see my as your son. That, you don’t care if I grow up to resent you?” Elias questioned, uncharacteristically becoming emotionally angry, “Which part, Father? Which part!” he shouted.

Elias couldn’t keep the tears from flowing again. Averting his gaze, Elias closed his eyes and took a deep breath to regain his usual composure. He didn’t like confrontations and conflict but he was too emotional to behave like his usual self. Walter was too stunned to say anything as this type of outburst was not like Elias. He finally realised the weight in his words and the impact it had on Elias. Was this what he had been doing all this time to Elias? He went to break the silence first but Elias beat him to it.

“Fine,” Elias sighed, his voice returning to a calmer tone, “Father, I’m sorry.”

“What?” Walter didn’t understand why he was apologising, “Elias?”

“I’m sorry I don’t measure up to your expectations,” Elias apologised, but the fire behind his eyes told Walter that the apology was not sincere.

Instead, Elias began making a vow, “From this day forward, I will be fatherless and I will not claim any right to my name until the day I receive your approval. Until that day, I will work hard to be a wizard that you can be proud of. I won’t bother you and I will not speak to you, except during public events, until the day I become a son that you can love.”

Mary couldn’t listen anymore, “Elias,” she urged him to stop, “Please, you don’t mean this.”

Elias shook her off, “He’s the one who said it first, I’m just agreeing to his terms.”

With those final words, Elias walked away.

“Walter!” Mary cried to him, “Go after him!”

Every fibre within him wanted to chase after Elias, but his body wouldn’t move. A part of him was stunned by Elias’ nerve but Walter could feel his own heart now being torn apart.

“Father!” Klaus also urged him to chase after Elias, “Don’t let it end this way, please.”

Mary and Klaus’ pleas faded into white noise as all Walter could do was watch the distance between himself and Elias grow farther. Elias eventually disappeared behind the doors that led to his bedroom chambers to the left at the very end of the second floor hallway.

Those would be the last words they would exchange within these walls for many years.

He had hoped that once their frustrations had subsided, Elias might talk to him again. In recollection, Walter never apologised for his words that day but instead tried to make small conversations about anything that might prove that Elias didn’t mean it when he said he’d never speak to his father again. However, his attempts were ignored and Elias treated him as if he were invisible, like a ghost that couldn’t be seen or heard.

****Present time…

It remained this way.

The months following their falling out, Walter realised that Elias was not going to crawl back to him and he was sticking to his promise. Elias refused to speak to him and the roots of Walter’s regret had began spreading. Ironically, Walter showed more interest in Elias but all he could do was watch his son from the distance.

Despite desperately wanting to apologise, something in Walter couldn’t reach out to him and Walter had no choice but to watch Elias age without him.

His son’s bright energy, which he had possessed before Walter stripped it all away, hadn’t returned after the abuse stopped. Instead, he watched, guiltily, as Elias cast aside all his other interests and invested all his time and energy in pursuit of his mission to be accepted by his father as both a son and a wizard he could proudly accept as a member of the Haus of Goldstein.

From his office window, Walter would often watch Elias practice magic, sometimes under the guidance of Klaus, until his power was completely exhausted. Elias built his own collection of tomes and grimoires about magic and would always be reading them when he wasn’t practicing magic outside.

Walter notice him becoming more aloof and unsociable as he focused on honing his magical abilities. As Elias aged and grew into his handsome, prince-like features, that bright energy he used to possess still didn’t return. Walter barely saw him smile nor barely heard him laugh. His countenance was sullen but he never cried.

It's not what Walter wanted, “…ah,” Walter sighed before taking another swig at his whiskey.

More and more time was lost between them and they remained wordless. Elias’ powers impressively improved and Walter acknowledged he had quite an aptitude for crafting magical tools. However, when news reached Walter that Elias still thought he wasn’t good enough to present himself to his father, Walter had the urge to reach out to him, but he couldn’t. It was like some force held him back. Single-handedly, Walter was the reason why his son had become broken. Elias’ development of depression and anxiety was his entirely his fault.

Honestly, Walter sometimes asked for Elias to be present at public events and parties just so he could hear his voice. Even if Elias’ responses were short and blunt, making it hard to have a natural conversation or reveal any new developments in his personal character that Walter missed while they remained estranged. He knew why he used public events as a disguise. Walter missed him. Walter loved him. He always had, but regrettably never told him enough.

Despite the rift, Walter loves all his sons unconditionally. They too held love for him in their hearts, but their anger towards him was deeper. Naturally, he worried deeply about all three of his sons.

“Will Klaus and Elias be okay out there?” he muttered, “Where are you Alfonse?”” he worried.

Their anger further driven by Walter’s incapacity to apologise and atone for his mistakes. His impotence to initiate making amends drifted them further apart. Instead of fixing his mistakes, Walter isolated himself like this to his office. Pitifully, enduring this aching and unbearable pain, a symptom, of his entrenched remorse, he deserved to suffer in, alone.

Just then, the door to his office gently opened. A hue of soft yellow light from the hallway lights flooded the entry way. The glare was bright causing Walter’s eyes to squint. The recognisable silhouette of Mary came toward him with soft footsteps.

“Walter?” she said his name softly, “You have been in here all afternoon,” she stated, worriedly.

“Yes,” Walter acknowledged.

“Did you want some dinner?” she asked, but that was not her true intention for her visit to his office.

Rarely did she interrupt his brooding time but Walter didn’t mind her interrupting his thoughts. In fact, he was surprised sometimes that she remained married to him and still loved him deeply despite all he had done to their sons. He never asked why, accepting either decision to stay or to leave.

Walter wasn’t particularly hungry, “No, I’m not hungry,” he answered her, “Thank you for the offer.”

Mary didn’t like the way he holed himself inside his office. Wallowing in the darkness with the amber liquid on his desk as if it was some medicine he took to ease the pain she could see him in, but her persuasions to simply apologise and talk to Elias were useless.

“I thought you would like to know,” she began nervously, wondering if he wanted to hear her news, “…Elias made it safely to the academy.”

“He did?”

“Yes, Klaus met with him and settled him into his new life there.”

It pleased Walter that Klaus was nearby to lend his support to Elias. Though, while he was pleased he was also ashamed that Klaus had become the better role model for Elias than himself.

“That’s good,” Walter replied, his voice riddled with sadness.

Mary didn’t know what else to say to Walter in these moments. She didn’t even know if letting him know any news about Elias eased his pain or made it worse but he’d never let her know. Walter felt as though he had no right to burden his wife with his feelings of remorse. Especially when this was his own doing.

“I did tell him to write often,” Mary told him, “He said he would.”

There was an awkward silence whenever Mary told him news about Elias. Walter listened, interested to know every detail about his son but also felt guilty for being interested in knowing.

“Walter?” Mary walked around to his side of the desk and leaned against the sturdy table, “I wish you would let me in sometimes. I know how much you regret everything and I hate to see you go through this on your own.”

Walter knew how deeply caring and sweet his wife was and was happy knowing Elias still had his mother showing him all the love and care that he never did, “…I can’t do that to you,” he honestly replied, his wife the only person who was allowed to see him in such a vulnerable state, “Not after all the pain I have caused for you too.”

In the past, Mary would nag him about apologising to Elias, yearning for the day when they would be on speaking terms again. Today, she didn’t want to nag him. She wanted to understand.

“Why?” she asked softly, “Why can’t you reach out to him? Help me understand.”

Walter thought about a response to her question, a longer than intended silence but she waited patiently for his reply.

Unusually, Walter’s voice was filled with sadness as he began to speak, “…I can’t,” he stated, “I want to but I can’t.”

He paused, taking a deep breath to compose himself.

“Since Elias stopped speaking to me, I have watched him closely,” Walter revealed, “…He doesn’t smile, he doesn’t laugh, he doesn’t cry. His depression, his anxiety, this unhealthy pursuit for my approval that has made him become distant. It’s all my fault. Until I can find the right words to apologise in a way that doesn’t make it sound like I’m asking for forgiveness, I don’t deserve to reach out to him.”

Mary nodded, understanding why he couldn’t apologise.

“It is quite a complicated emotion,” Walter added.

“I understand,” Mary acknowledged, “You know, the way he is now is not entirely your fault. Alfonse disappearing hurt him too. I’ve noticed Klaus has become stricter with him too. And, I —.”

“No,” Walter cut her off in disagreement, “That’s my fault too, Mary.”

Walter took accountability for the fractured state of their family, “Alfonse ran away because I tried to force an arranged marriage onto him and tie him down when he’s a free spirit. Klaus, I burdened him to raise his younger brother because I was too narrow-minded to accept Elias as he was. I alone am to blame for their pain.”

Mary attempted to burden some of the guilt Walter harboured to ease his pain, “I should have done more to stop things becoming like this,” she expressed.

While Walter knew what she was doing, he couldn’t allow her to shoulder any of the blame for his shortcomings as a father, “No,” he said, reaching his hand out to hers and holding it gently, “You showered them with love and care that I never did but should have. Besides, I was too unreasonable to listen to you. If not for you in their lives, they would have deserted me and their home a long time ago. You are their beloved mother. So, please, never ever think you are to blame for my shortcomings as a father.”

Mary didn’t say anything but gave the hand which held onto hers a gentle squeeze as she remained quiet.

“Honestly, “Walter spoke with a depressed voice, “You needn’t bother consoling me, Mary.”

Mary was a little upset that he could say something so dismal but she didn’t express it as she knew that it was an emotional response provoked by the guilt he felt deep inside, “Why can’t I?” she asked, softly.

Walter didn’t drink his whiskey in front of her because he didn’t want her to witness such a sight but looked at the glass, desperately wanting another sip of that amber liquid. Taking a moment, he eventually responded, “…I don’t deserve it,” he replied, “…I hurt you deeply too.”

After a moment to process those words, Mary replied, “…But,” she said with a positiveness in her voice, “…I’m hopeful.”

“For what?”

“For the day our family is whole again,” Mary positively said, “Yes, there is a lot of tension and I know it will take more than a simple apology to fix everything but reaching out is the first step to begin fixing your relationships with them.”

Walter appreciated her positivity but he didn’t know when or if he was ever going to fulfill that dream. It was a complicated circle that he was walking on that she could only partly understand but never fully comprehend the difficulty of making the first step off its never-ending rotation.

“I don’t want to nag you about it tonight Walter,” she expressed, “I want you to understand that even though the boys and I are mad at you, we still love you and we hold hope in our hearts that you will fix things with Elias, someday.”

Walter knew this fact, “I know,” he acknowledged.

There was a moment of silence and Mary’s eyes strayed around the room until she spotted the photo album open on Walter’s desk. It was a photo of a father with his three sons when they were very young, before Walter’s abuse of Elias had begun.

“I remember taking this photo,” Mary smiled at the memory, “It was hard to get Elias to stay still so you picked him up and threw him up onto your shoulders so he wouldn’t run away. He thought he was flying.”

Walter remembered that memory too but couldn’t smile knowing that he was the one who stripped that happy innocence away from Elias, “I remember,” he said.

“You know,” Mary began, her eyes meeting Walter’s in the dim light that filled the office, “Elias has grown into a sensible and mature young man.”

While Walter had watched him grow into his handsome features, he didn’t really know enough about his personality, only the short and bluntness in their conversations in public. He never let anything about his personality to be revealed to his father, and the anger and pain at the sight of Walter probably stirred within him and overshadowed his other traits.

“Has he?” Walter was pleased to hear it.

“Yes,” Mary smiled as she knew Elias and the way he thinks, “He’s quite intelligent and has a fondness for magical tools, just like you.”

Walter didn’t know how to feel about that fact – did Elias pick that fondness up on his own or was it his personal mission to gain his father’s approval that he began to follow Walter’s footsteps to prove his abilities.

“Is that so?” Walter felt conflicted, “…Why are you telling me this? I don’t deserve to know.”

Mary smiled, “Because… you are still his father, Walter,” she remained positive, “He’s inherited more from you than he has from me. Elias didn’t take up magical tools to prove himself to you, if that’s what you were thinking. Even when he was small, he always had a genuine interest in the tools that you were building.”

Walter remembered how interested he was in the inventions he was building and why it was important to build new tools to help ease the lives of people. Mary’s reminiscing about their memories together when he was a small child, before Walter became a monster to him, both made him smile and made him feel worse. Was she torturing him on purpose or did she have a point?

Mary could see the sadness in Walter’s eyes as she brought up the happier memories of their relationship when they were close. Her intentions was not to make him feel worse but to make a point.

“Walter,” she called out to him, “I’m not trying to make you feel worse.”

Just now, it was like she had read his thoughts but he wasn’t surprised. Where many people couldn’t read Walter’s expressionless face and guarded mind, Mary could. She was the only person who had access to all his vulnerabilities and flaws. He didn’t say anything but listened to whatever she had to say.

“I’m trying to tell you that all Elias wants from you is to hear you say that you’re sorry,” Mary said, “Yes, it may take some time before he trusts you again, but he doesn’t hate you. He never has, despite being deeply hurt after all you have said and done. Yes, he is angry but he respects you.”

Walter didn’t believe her, “Mary, even when we talk all I get from him is short and blunt answers. The way he stares at me is as though he is imagining daggers boring into my heart.”

Mary shook her head, “You’re wrong,” she said, “He’s waiting.”

That surprised Walter, “What? What do you mean by that?”

“Don’t you remember what he said?” Mary asked, “That day you two fell out?”

“Of course I remember,” Walter declared, sadly.

“Walter,” Mary gave his hand another squeeze, “Think about what he said? He said that he would not say another word to you until you accept him.”

“But,” Walter didn’t understand, “He hates me Mary.”

“He never said that,” Mary reminded him, “You decided that he hates you but that’s not true at all. He wants you to accept him Walter, that’s why he’s trying so hard.”

Having just reminisced about that day in his isolation moments ago, Elias’ vow about not speaking to him were fresh in his mind but however Walter interpreted his words, he felt unworthy of Elias’ forgiveness.

“I’m not after forgiveness,” Walter declared.

Mary sighed because Walter wasn’t listening to her, “Darling,” she endeared him to listen carefully to her words, “You can still apologise and accept him without expecting his forgiveness. Neither, you or Elias will not be able to heal until you make that first step.”

Mary’s word were very clear now and Walter understood them.

“He has left home,” Walter added, “I can not apologise nor express my approval of him through something as impersonal as a letter or through my familiar. It would be inappropriate and insincere.”

Mary knew he had some time to perfect everything he was going to say to him once he was home again. This was her way of encouraging Walter’s thought process.

“Well,” she squeezed his hand again, “I don’t know when he will come home again but I do know that he will because I made him promise me that he will. Until then, you have plenty of time to think about what you want to say to him. But, clean yourself up first. It would break his heart further to see you drinking away like this.”

“He has no place to feel guilty for me,” Walter sadly stated.

“He will though,” Mary said, knowing their son too well, “Elias is much more sensitive than you and his brothers. That’s about the only thing he has inherited from me.”

Walter still looked sad but her words were triggering an urge to act on his desire to begin rebuilding their relationship. Mary certainly wasn’t wrong, Walter had to take that first step. Perhaps, her words was the key to remove him from the circle he found himself walking on when it came to Elias.

How, when and where all remained a mystery but nevertheless one day Walter would find the strength and courage to reach out to Elias again. Not for forgiveness, but to help Elias heal and understand that Walter never hated him, not for a moment.

#shall we date wizardess #wizardess heart #magic #goldstein #elias #klaus #alfonse #walter #family #fanfic #angst #familyissues #sadness regret

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