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I feel so disconnected from everyone and everything. How am I supposed to be happy in a place I so clearly don't belong

I try so hard and its never enough.

I feel like a chore to you, something you have to put effort into but really don't want to, an obligation

I am going to cry...

Besties. It's done. Unwanted is finished. I just concluded the final chapter. I... I have no words. I have used them all up for this fic, lol. Obviously, some editing to do, but the story is complete. 30 chapters. 153k words. Seven months of my life.

I... I don't even know. I'm gonna need a minute to process this, lol.

I'm not done with these two, not by a long shot. I have multiple ideas for one-shots, and plans for an eventual sequel, because I'll be honest, I can't let Pocket go.

Thank you all so, so much. I honestly would not have made it this far without your kind words, support, and engagement. You are all amazing, and I love each and every one of you.

…and sadly I keep setting myself up for it.

I watch way too many rom coms. I think it started because I don't believe in love, or at least I don't believe in love for me. Love is what happens to other people. It's reserved for books and movies and TV and poetry, not a guy like me who dreams more than he lives. Love is reserved for the doers, and I'm certainly not a doer. So I'll live vicariously through some characters on a page or a screen, and I'll dream. Because that's as close as I'll ever get to love in this lifetime.

No one fucking cares how romantic, loving, or honest you are if you're ugly.

I want desperately to hang out with people who share the same interests. But I can not get over the feelings of being disliked, unwanted, boring, not being good enough, etc. I feel like I have nothing to offer a friendship but my undying loyalty, which in my experience people see as "he is reliable when I need to use him". I will never be someone's first choice, but always someone's worst-case scenario.

to make the unwanted wanted

Even now,  decades after, I wash my face with cold water – 

Not for discipline,  nor memory,  nor the icy, awakening slap,

but to practice  choosing  to make the unwanted wanted. 

 —  Jane Hirshfield, “A Cedary Fragrance”

I’ve written many, many poems out of the need to find a way to say yes to what I would, at first, rather say no to. Because our whole lives consist of such moments. Many things will happen to us that we would prefer not. We would prefer our loved ones don’t die. I would prefer the world were more sensible and kind and compassionate. I would prefer there not to be forest fires of such extraordinary devastation as we’ve been having, or fill in the blank.

But a human life requires all of these things. And so to every day begin the day with this simple affirmation of “I will make the unwanted unwanted” has been a practice of decades for me now.

— Jane Hirshfield, from an Interview with Ezra Klein in The New York Times, March 3, 2023

Y’all just feel like everyone is being fake around you? Like just tolerating you?? Pretending to love you and care about you..?

What's the point in talking anymore no one listens to me anyway 😕