8ish years ago, I sent you an ask about my strained relationship with my dad. Your whole response was good, but one thing you said has stuck with me word for word:

"Often what we see as parental disappointment in us is actually a parent’s anger at the world for not being better for us. Sometimes parents aren’t very good at communicating that, which isn’t your fault. But part of being an adult, even around our parents, is working out how to look at someone’s words or actions and discern what lies beneath them." I'm a dad myself now and I not only use those words to reframe my interactions with my own dad but to think critically about how I communicate with my children.

SO in conclusion: thank you.

Oh wow, congratulations on becoming a dad! And, it appears, on doing your best to break the cycle of miscommunication that so often gets handed down from parent to child to grandchild. You're doing fantastic, I have no doubt.

I'm so glad you can both have a relationship with your father and care for your kids in a healthier way. Not being a dad myself, except in the metaphoric sense, I have huge props for that. It does take...a real active stance on Being A Grownup, sometimes, to achieve that kind of thing, and this is a timely reminder for me to ensure I am doing this with my own parents, something I've struggled with of late.

It's wonderful to hear that my words helped, anyway, so you're welcome for the advice but also thank you for telling me! And give your little ones a big hug from me.

Do you want free mental help? What about remote, pay-what-you-want counselling? Visit askingjude.org.

What are some things you would have done differently? The most important lessons you learned throughout the years?

Hi love. Great question!

Things I would've done differently:

Stopped taking on/internalizing people's emotions sooner and never apologizing for my needs

Not allow myself to feel responsible for other people's drama

Took warning signs of people's codependency and victim narratives more seriously earlier in life

Reached out to others that earned my trust for support and allow myself to be more honest/vulnerable with them rather than resorting to hyper independence

Spoke up for my genuine needs and desires more

Expressed and follow-through on my "no" consistently and unapologetically

Let go of the belief that guilt trips can be worth emotionally entertaining or investing in

Learned that it is okay to disappoint people. Understanding that I don't exist to make others happy or comfortable

Most Important Life Lessons:

When evaluating who is trustworthy, see whose words and values consistently line up with their actions. Those who contradict and make exceptions for themselves are too self-involved to see you as fully human

Always live your life for yourself. Discover your personal values and aspirations. Do what you need to do to live in alignment with who you truly are, and don't let others' opinions stop you from working towards your goals. Don't make personal life decisions based on other people's feelings or opinions

You're always allowed to say no or leave a situation/relationship if you feel drained or disrespected

Your chosen family can or cannot be comprised of people who share DNA or are related by marriage. All that matters is that you have mutual respect and unwavering support from the people who have earned this role in your life

Emotionally distance yourself from anyone in your life who dismisses your emotions or experiences, attempts to obtain ownership of your life experiences when they fit their narrative, or expects you to put their needs above your own

Taking well-thought-out social and professional risks can greatly enrich your life

Don't be afraid to reach out to ask for help, advice, or connection. Most other people want the same thing and are happy to chat if they're available. Don't fall into the trap of trying to fix everything yourself. Only selfish people have these unrealistic expectations of you

Your health and sanity are your most important assets

When in doubt, advocate for yourself. Learn to discern when to express empathy and/or when to double down & stand your ground

There are (next to) no rules for living a productive and fulfilling life. Once your basic needs are met, and all essential bills/taxes are paid, the only genuine success metric of your life path is whether it allows you to feel generally fulfilled and satisfied on a daily basis

Set and stick to your boundaries. Prioritize interdependent relationships. Avoid codependency like the plague

Learn to praise yourself for all of your wins – big and small. Life is hard enough. Find ways to celebrate yourself as often as you realistically can – even if it's just getting up on time or cooking a healthy meal that day

Hope this helps xx

Help! My Mother-In-Law Buys A New Outfit Every Time She Pours Jet Fuel on Chilean Sea Bass and Throws Their Carcasses, Flaming, Into the Rainforests from the Open Belly of Her Private Plane

Care and Feeding, Slate, 1 May 2023:

Dear Care and Feeding, My husband and I have two children (2 years and 6 months). We recently moved back to my husband’s hometown to pursue a career opportunity for me. My husband has been home with the kids but was just offered a job. We found a daycare, but it can only take the kids three days a week right now (we’re on waitlists for full-time, but it seems like it could be months or more before we find two full-time spots). My mother-in-law has generously offered to watch the kids for the other two days. Overall, she is a lovely, responsible woman, but we have some significant value differences around environmental issues and I’m not sure how to navigate them. Our household focuses heavily on environmental awareness. We drive electric cars, we compost, we limit our air conditioning, we limit our flying, we eat all leftovers, we avoid plastics whenever possible, and we buy exclusively secondhand clothing. My mother-in-law is a big fan of consumption. Her house is full of plastics. She throws away whatever is left on her plate at the end of a meal, she keeps her house so cold in the summer that I need a sweater and she drives a minivan. I’m concerned about the message it sends to the kids if we stick to our values, except when to do so would be inconvenient. How do I bridge our two very different lifestyles going forward? —Environmentalist Mama in Limbo

Dear Environmentalist Mama,

I'm not sure how you can describe a person who air-conditions her home and drives a minivan as "lovely" and "responsible" but I will assume that this planet-hating harpy has gripped you so tightly in her environmentally irresponsible talons that you cannot see the wildfire-ridden forest for the trees (which she is personally cutting down for fun and profit). Do not let yourself be hoodwinked by promises of familial love and generous offers of free child care, as if these things matter more than assiduously composting! This woman is a monster who is single-handedly destroying the only earth your precious babies have to live on. Imagine the tragedies that will unfold if your children experience a loving connection with a person who purchases items made of plastic? They could come to believe that other humans are whole people with their own interior lives and decision-making apparatuses and values instead of ugly nasty baddies who dare to oppose Mommy's One True And Only Way?

You simply cannot bridge two lifestyles as different as the two you describe here. On the one hand, we have your blameless and perfect eco-conscious little household of brave, Dumpster-diving Oliver Twists, and on the other hand, we have an ethically compromised, unscrupulous, indefensibly ignorant shitbird who probably barbecues her factory-farmed meats over asbestos tiles and flies to Australia to distribute the ashes over the Great Barrier Reef. If Planet Earth does not spin out into an apocalyptic ball of climate disaster by the time your children are old enough to be knifing their peers over tire fires for their share of rat rations, it will be because your uniquely virtuous family had the moral fortitude to drive an electric car and limit your flying. After all, electricity comes from magical climate-neutral fairies and the jet fuel industry is waiting with bated breath for the day that you ground your family and send an international behemoth into wholesale free-fall.

If there is one guaranteed way forward through the climate crisis, it is to silo ourselves into individual categories of "good people" who use paper straws (like you! you are so good!) and "amoral reprobates" (such as your mother-in-law, who sucks!) who do not. The very future of humanity depends on demonizing and shaming other people until they behave as we want them to, privileging individual actions over collective resistance to and accountability for the worst global offenders, and rejecting community-building opportunities in favor of being the only best good person ever.

Build no bridge with this woman! She would probably just drive over it with her minivan, and then the blood of billions will be on your hands.

Hey kiddos,

I know the holidays will be rough for some of y'all, so as we go into this first section of end of the year holidays..

You are loved, you are cared about. You are who you are, and no one can tell you different. If you are trans or nonbinary or gender something, you deserve to be seen and respected. I know its not safe for all of you out there to be known by your family. You'll find your people someday, trust me.

Take a deep breath, remember that they have no control over you and your feelings. It's gonna be rough, but you got this, kay kid?

remember to feed, water, and rest your flesh suit 💙

child abuse tw. disclaimer: above tumblr’s pay grade and i am not going to blindly follow strangers’ advice i just want some outside perspective. it’s long i dont blame you if you don’t read.

what would you do if you wanted to cut your parents off, but don’t want to hurt them?

i’m a college senior and am hesitantly planning to cut my parents off after graduating, take on the debt so i don’t rob them, and move into a stable situation with my long-term partner.

my parents love me, in their own way, but i can’t stand to have them in my life. they messed me up deeply and abused me. i can barely stand to speak to them, i get depressed and angry when i’m around them, i cry uncontrollably if i think about them for more than a minute. yes, therapy, not feasible for a short while.

for complicated reasons, i feel nothing for my mother, but love/resent my father painfully and it would hurt to hurt him. i would try to stay in contact with him, but he’s always taken my mother’s side over mine. they would both be devastated and very angry if i cut one or both of them off. and that would affect my brothers, who are still in college themselves and depend on my parents not falling apart.

i feel like i have to do it now and do it completely, before they know who i’m with and where i’m moving and what job i’ll have, or i might be looking over my shoulder forever. i’ve spent my entire life lying and hiding from them and i just want to start over completely.

maybe i’m just being chicken shit and trying to run from problems instead of fix them. but the idea of keeping even low contact sounds miserable. especially if my partner and i end up having children, i feel quite certain they wouldn’t accept me trying to protect my kid from their influence and it would end up nuclear later anyway. right now, i have a relatively easy situation and a support network.

if you have cut your parents off or gone low contact, please please let me know what you did and how it went. i’m so lost.

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Part 2 of last post. Sister said it’s not great to say sorry you feel that way instead of sorry I hurt you. I probably shouldn’t have used that line but I am sorry they feel that way but I also still don’t regret it at all. All I said back was sorry I hurt you and she hasn’t responded since. Like???? That’s what you wanted to hear I thought? I am sorry you feel bad but after knowing what I know now, I genuinely would not change my elopement. They would have been hurt either way

Should your spouse invite family to live with you, without you knowing it?

in class learning about sibling relationships- i love this topic

Hi. I'm in school and started classes this week.Before leaving my mom told me to drive safe then she said you're doing better than your mama. I felt awkward. She also told me the same thing a few years ago when I went to school for another certification. We don't have the best relationship because she treats me like she doesn't like me and it sucks because she has cancer and I take care of the majority of things in our house...bills,buy all food etc. My brother lives with us and is soon to be 40. Lazy as hell and does the bare minimum. Just uses everyone and doesn't want to move out but she treats him better than me,always have,and allows him to drive her car that I paid to have fixed so it could run because she doesn't work and he wouldn't pay for it. I'm having car issues myself now and she said I can't even drive her car to go to work or school. SMH.

The whole ... you're doing better than your mama bullshit + her nasty attitude towards me is irritating. She's 70. When I move next year I don't want to just leave them behind but I feel a lot of jealousy towards me from her. Because who says that whenever something good happens to their child? Like she doesn't want me to enjoy the moments that I use to cry for and bust my ass for on my own. And why not let me drive the car so I can get to work and class when if it wasn't for me it wouldn't run and I paid car insurance for her while my brother was like fuck her plus I spend so much money trying to make sure she has healthy foods to eat etc.

I don't get why she basically acts like she doesn't love me. Our family is very small and almost everyone has passed.

I don't understand.

Good morning ⛅️

Weve answered this several times too.

dont think what she said is "mean" or "unloving" towards you.

Sounds like shes never been emotionally supportive, which is disappointing but not surprising.

Shes just likely used to making *her personal plight* the center of the conversation. Which makes sense for a lot of reasons (even though emotionally it sucks, no questions about that).

Parents usually have favorites. And its common for the boys to be treated differently than the girls. Especially Black boys with single Black mothers.

You can love people without giving them full access to your resources, personal space, time, emotional energy etc.

I hope you find ways to divest yourself emotionally and financially from the draining. And that you accept you're not a limitless resources and start enforcing boundaries. Also, this is one of those situations where reaching out for professional help financially and emotionally will make the world of a diff 🌎.

You dont have to always make your familys problems yours, Anon 🫂

Do you want free mental help? What about remote, pay-what-you-want counselling? Visit askingjude.org.

for the anon who wants to leave home: bitchesgetriches has a financial guide to leaving home before 18, and i’m sure some of it is still applicable even if you are of age. I left home before turning 18, but i was so lucky and had somewhere to go, so i won’t pretend that i know exactly what you’re going through but if it helps to know at all: i promise it gets so much better once you leave. it’s not always easy, even with help, but it’s worth it. i’m rooting for you! ❤️🖤

I love people like you who reach out with these resources! Thank you for reaching out on behalf of the community. It seems I've gotten yet another recommendation for @bitchesgetriches, so will need to give them a follow! Sharing for visibility xx

Reminder: blood relation brings no obligations with it.

i need advice lol

How do I establish boundaries when it comes to money?

All my life my mom and my brother have taken all my money. They ask "to borrow" it and then never pay it back or they only pay back a tiny amount. Say brother borrows 50 and only pays back 15, 20. Mom eventually stopped but my brother does not want to stop. I usually just lie to him and tell him I don't have any. We're all able bodied adults with jobs btw, my brother just sucks at managing his money.

I know "just say no" is the obvious answer but this has been going on since I was 13, I am 27 now. Lying has worked so far but I would like to find a way to establish boundaries and not let people walk all over me.

Lately, my bf has started having concerning behaviors too. We will go out for dinner or even just to the corner store and when we're there he says "oh btw I don't have any money". He never borrows any money but just sorta expects me to pay for stuff and coaxes me into buying him things.

I just want to be able to be normal and say "no"

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I eloped and two sisters are making it about them. I understand they wanted to be told and involved but we really didn’t want anyone to be there because we thought they’d be judging us for moving fast. We didn’t want drama but now I’m getting it anyway. They’re not exactly being mean but I feel like they’re trying to make me feel guilty. Why am I supposed to apologize for getting married how I want to?