pathetic wet needy puppy who wants to cockwarm while watching a movie but it can’t even make it past the opening scene before it’s desperately grinding against your cock and begging you to let it cum

MCU Characters During a Blackout

Pairing: Steve Rogers, Bucky Barnes, Sam Willson, Loki, Thor, Natasha Romanoff, Stephen Strange, Peter Parker, Shang-Chi x Reader

Tags: fluff, cuddles, kissing, telling stories, protectiveness, literal sleeping together, warm drinks, power-use, teasing, sharing clothes

A/N: I don't know why Tumblr forced Labels on a few of these even though they had nothing but fluff but hopefully these are ok. What's the matter Tumblr? Too many hot characters for you?

Steve never wants you to be scared of a blackout. It's most likely just a power issue, if it was anything really bad he would have already gotten the call to action to stop it. Since there's nothing better for the two of you to do than wait for the power to come back why not cuddle up for a bit, he can tell you funny stories from his meetings and missions with his friends. He always wants to cuddle with you, to feel warm next to you instead of remembering the cold.

Bucky hopes you're not scared of the dark cause it looks like the powers gonna be out for a while. While it is he can light up some candles for the two of you, get the mood real romantic. For what you may ask? For all the kisses he's gonna give you today. You'll probably get tired of them by the time the power gets back but it's the price you'll just have to pay. It is a really hard task to do, so he'll need encouragement for a few hours.

Sam doesn't see much point in worrying about it. This could be a good opportunity for the two of you to talk more often. He misses you if he's being perfectly honest. He wants to talk to you when it's not just over the phone or late at night when he comes back. Both of you are usually pretty busy so now you can take it easy for a bit, no phone calls, no one to interrupt you. You can also get the occasional kiss if you really want, not like he could resist a cutie like you.

Loki takes this as a chance to tease the hell out of you. You can't escape his teasing when you can see him, let alone now. You feel kisses in the dark, his hands pulling you down onto him, then his whispers teasing you, making you all warm and hot under him. Alone in the dark, there are quite a few things you could do together, but it might be a bit clumsy, well for you at least, unless you memorized his body like he did yours.

Thor lifts you in his arms and carries you to bed. If there's a blackout there's really nothing for the two of you do other than bedroom activities. Sleeping of course. Get your mind out of the gutter for a bit. After you sleep you can tell him what you dreamt about and if it involved him in any special way. He always dreams about you, but he doesn't tell you all of the details. Perhaps now would be a good time to do so, but you first. And for that you got to sleep a bit.

Natasha promises to keep you safe until the power gets back on. She knows some people can get scared of the dark, especially when it's sudden like this. You have nothing to be scared of when you've got her by your side. Other than that her laptop still works and there are quite a few movies on there that you can pick from, maybe you can watch one to pass the time, or watch funny videos, something to take your mind off the darkness.

Stephen uses his magic to make balls of light that follow the two of you around when you walk so you don't run into anything and get hurt. He can heal you if it happens but it's better to prevent it. With his powers there's no blackout in his house really, but it's not fully lit up. It's almost like mood lighting when you really think about it. See, he can be romantic when he wants to be. Okay no, he didn't think about that part but it's a nice thought to have.

Peter makes you both a few cups of warm drinks to share while you wait for the power to come back on. Getting warm and cozy is the best thing to do now. The drinks are a little bit sweet, that way when you kiss the kisses will taste just a tiny lit sweeter then usual. He didn't plan that, honestly, but not that you said it yes, it's a very good benefit to have. He almost doesn't want the power to come back on, he's way too cozy with you against him.

Shang-Chi gives you his big hoodie so you're not cold while the power is still out. He knows you most likely wouldn't get sick but just knowing that you're wearing his clothes makes him happy. And if you get too warm he will be more than happy to take it off you as well. You know since there's a blackout he can't really do his usual training routine, but there are many other ways to work up a sweat. You can still wear his hoodie during it.

# PURPLE LILACS !

[05] - perhaps he's into you ! | prev. | m. list | next

ace trappola x fem!reader smau

! warning(s) : cussing, miss-spellings in the tweets & texts, slight lilia lore spoilers, common jamil and azul behavior ("kys" used 2 times) ! w/c : 1k

when lilia vanrouge says he's coming over, he usually appears approximately 20 seconds after he warned you of his upcoming arrival, dressed in his dorm uniform.

tonight, however, your favorite fae-stie barely gives you a second to prepare before he appears in your room in a puff of green mist and his pink silky pajama set (yes, the one much like shaggy wore in the loch ness monster scooby-doo movie, just in pink). 

"what's up what's up what's uuup~!" he sing-songs, dropping down gracefully on the edge of your bed.

"hi, lils. cater?"

"on his way, do not fret. i brought some diasomnia snacks! and–"

"did you make them."

"no, he did not," said a monotone voice from somewhere. upon realizing it was not lilia who spoke, you turn toward the source, only to see malleus draconia (alias hornton) in the flesh, causing you to very nearly die of a heart attack.

okay, you might be over exaggerating. a little.

"--and malleus, i hope you don't mind. he wanted to join 'girls' night," the musician grins.

“nah, he’s welcome to join any time, i’m just not quite sure he’ll find it entertaining,” you say as you turn to look at the raven haired fae, “make yourself at home, hornton. i’ll go get the drinks and wait for cay.”

you spot grim playing with the resident ghosts in the living room area on your way to the (severely run down) kitchen. before you can even fully step into the room, you hear a few light knocks on the door and take a sharp turn towards the entrance instead. what greets you there is a heavily shaking individual known as cater diamond dressed in only his pajamas, carrying some baked goods (courtesy to trey) and his phone.

“w-what’s up what-’s up what’s u-u-uup?!”

a beat of silence passes and you momentarily consider just shutting the door in his face because how and why the fuck are riddle rosehearts and deuce spade also here. you can handle malleus, he’s much like a pet rock, but riddle in the same room with lilia and cater? you think your hair might start graying a bit early.

“riddle and deuce! what are you guys doing here?” you step aside to let them in with a strained smile only to glare daggers at your good friend behind their backs.

“cater insisted i come along and ‘hang out’ with ‘the girls’ for a bit. he said i need to mingle with people my age more to be able to keep up with the trends, or something along those lines, i believe. i don’t see a purpose behind me being here however, so i can take my leave if you’d rather keep it to a close circle discussion– i can’t leave trey to watch over the entire dorm either, i am housewarden, after all.”

“i got pulled along against my will.”

the drastic difference in their response, reasoning and length struck you like lightning for a mere second, “oh– uh, no, don’t worry, you’re all good, riddle. you can stay if you wish to! i won’t keep you against your will though. same goes for you, deuce. you just have to promise whatever you hear tonight stays between us.”

“not to worry, the queen of hearts rule number 14 states that secrets must stay between included parties. may the queen strike me down herself lest i break a rule.”

“anywayy~ after all this chitter chatter cay-cays’s gotten hungryyy and treys’ home-baked tarts are directly under my nose! it would be a crime to not eat them! shoo-shoo, up we go!"

a couple hours have passed since the guys arrival, and everything's been going well so far. it was quite a shock for the heartslabyul trio to find the malleus draconia here at first as well, but they’ve slowly warmed up to him and began to consider him as ‘one of the girls’. the conversation’s been flowing well and the night was filled with shared laughs and stories.

you were just finishing up recounting the recent happenings with ace to fill everyone in on the details when malleus spoke.

“i believe he might just be.. ‘into you’, was it?” he turned to lilia for confirmation, who nodded abruptly. “that’s what i’m saying! the little bat just won’t believe me,” he said, leaning onto cater (who nods along in agreement while patting his bandmate) dramatically, as if you not believing his nonsense caused him a fatal wound. so much for being a war general, this guy is a drama general at best.

“lils, he hates me.”

“enemies to lovers, i say! enemi–”

“on the contrary, i think he quite likes you, actually,” the redheaded housewarden speaks up from the corner he’s sat in, “you’re almost all he talks about recently.”

“oh, you’re right! i asked him about our alchemy homework last week and he found some way to bring you up, even in that conversation. ‘i wonder if [name]’s done it yet? should we ask? i hope she’s not struggling with her studies. perhaps we could help her out’ like, shut up,” said deuce, popping some candy in his mouth with a clearly annoyed look in his eyes. if you didn’t know him any better, you’d think he was jealous of his friend.

that forced you to stop and think for a moment. if it were anyone else (a picture of lilia and cater appears in your minds eye and you have to fight back a smile) saying it, you probably wouldn’t have paid it much mind, but if it’s the people closest to him, then perhaps there’s some truth behind the seemingly empty words?

“i have an idea, if i may,” all eyes turn to malleus (who.. you forgot was even here, with how quiet he was the entire time), eyebrows raised in question, “if you’re so unsure of his intentions and feelings, why not test them?”

the 2 light music club members eyes lit up at that and you felt an impending sense of doom.

and that’s how you found yourself dancing with deuce, then malleus, then riddle, then... all of them, for some reason? it was awkward initially, but the longer it went on the more fun it was, and perhaps you could say this was one of your best nights spent in twisted wonderland.

being erased from your own world be damned.

## ❝ after the events of the phantom bride wedding, ace started wondering whether he still had the ability to charm girls. he hasn’t thought about anyone romantically in years, hasn’t really flirted with anyone either, what if he’s gone out of it? perhaps it’s time to put his talents to the test; with the person who hates him most, no less. if he can charm her, he can charm anyone.

#TAGLIST ! : @solxima @gabirii @lunavixia @y2unagiz @the-ghost-0f-t0m0 @borlining @verity-moon @myunghology @doughnuts-eater @lifeless-bug @babygurlenthusiast @shirishere @xopeach @stormyovent0aster @bontensbabygirl @ars-tral @wrathy-mcwrathface @sinofthesloth @skeet-2 @everettelz @sakuram1nt @shatiyuh @ambigrueity // ask/comment to be added/removed! (if you're in bold i can't tag you)

How do you watch movies?

Ok, let’s get back to my specialty – the sad stuff.

My ex-boyfriend used to watch them like this: he could turn on the TV and watch a scene from the middle of a movie. Later, he might come across the same movie and watch the end of it. After that, he could decide to watch the whole movie from the beginning, watch half an hour, and decide that he had already seen the whole thing. What could he understand there?

There seem to be a lot of people doing something similar. Perhaps they saw something but completely missed the point.

Yesterday I stumbled upon an anti-Tony post here, on Tumblr, where its author didn’t notice the whole antagonist of the first Iron Man movie. The author states about Tony “He created and built and sold weapons to both the US government and its enemies (Let us also bring attention to the blatant islamophobia and the Pro US imperialist propaganda in these movies), making him a war criminal and guilty of treason”.

I’ll write about “the blatant islamophobia and the Pro US imperialist propaganda in these movies” in a separate post. The author missed the point of the entire Iron Man trilogy, so it looks like there's a lot to talk about.

But now I introduce to you Obadiah Stane, also known as Iron Monger. The villain of the Iron Man (2008).

This is the guy who sold weapons to “US enemies” on the black market. Including the terrorist group The Ten Rings, hired to kill Tony, whose business ethics were mentioned in the same movie, and were also a nuisance to Stane’s business.

Tony was never a war criminal and never sold anything to “bad guys”.

Knowing nothing about the character, having missed everything he did and everything that happened to him, the author says such dirty things about him and accuses him of what he did not do, which is directly stated in the original sources.

If Tony were a real person, or the author were a fictional character “living” in the MCU, these statements could be regarded as slander against him, which actually would make the author of the post a criminal.

P.S. I just found out that the OP was deleted. What a shame. Well, perhaps the author finally found time to watch the movie.

Guitar picks and promises (A Mini-Series by Deli) (18+)

----

Parts: 1/?

Pairings: Steve x FemReader x Eddie

Warnings: 18+, love triangle, angst, slight violence, heartbreak, abandonment, conflict.

A/N: Hi! Welcome to the first part of this mini-series. I hope you enjoy it and feel free to post any suggestions on what could happen next/at some point. And who do you want to earn the love of? Eddie or Steve?

Please comment with any feedback and ideas! Reblog if you would be so kind!

----

You hadn't seen Eddie for months, not since he scored that once-in-a-lifetime trip to go see one of his favourite bands. Not that you knew who that was. He had told you. Only on the day he was leaving and you couldn't remember for the life of you what it had been. And that had been nearly ten months ago. The trip should have been only a few days but somehow you had gotten word that he managed to tag along with the support band and get a taste of life on the road.

All those feelings pulled thousands of miles and they were going to snap at any moment. You'd barely heard from him. A few postcards. A few voicemails. Nothing else. And they were few and far between. You two had been attached by the hip from the moment the two of you had met but now you felt like he didn't even care about you. Like you were now a distant memory. Hell, you had been close to admitting your feelings for him just before he left. And you knew by word of mouth that he also felt the same. So why was he now suddenly so unconcerned about you? Why did it feel like he didn't give two shits about you or your life. It hurt. More than that.

During the late hours when you couldn't sleep and your mind would wander, you thought how he might have found someone else. Some rock chick to fill his fantasies. Some girl who was prettier than you. Funnier. More suited to his style. Perhaps the version of the friendship you had formed with him had all been some sort of delusion. Perhaps none of it was real, a figment of your imagination. Perhaps his version was totally different. That you weren't as close as you had thought. These were the thoughts. The maggots. That buried under your skin. In your brain. Tormented you. And you just couldn't let it go, you just couldn't stop and it was eating you from the inside.

Even now as you sat at the desk waiting for someone to check out a movie or buy some snacks. The day was slow and you were nearing the end of your shift but knowing your luck, everyone and their cousin would turn up the moment you stood up to close for the night. Always your luck. Perhaps one day you'd clock out on time. That was wishful thinking though. Just as you got up to start packing up, a familiar face sheepishly revealed itself.

"Slow night?" A soft voice called, hands in his pockets as a small smile appeared, tugging at the corners of his mouth. He leaned against the counter from where you had just been, strands of brown hair falling into his face momentarily before he swiftly pushed them back.

"Steve. I've just closed for the night. Well, I'm trying to. So go and lock the door before anyone decides to rent the entire store. I'm sick of finishing an hour later than I'm meant to" You sighed as you half-assedly point to where the keys were.

"Yes miss president. Of course, miss president." You heard him say sarcastically as you looked up and watched as he put his hands up in defeat and swung his body around the counter and grabbed the keys, giving no extra effort than average as he walked over to the door and flipped the "open/closed" sign just as someone was about to walk in. The act earned a dramatic flinging of the arms as a loud "What the hell, man?!" Was muffled by the glass. The scene made you smile at least, you enjoyed Steve's company at least.

You focused your attention back on putting the returned movies back on the shelf, hearing Steve lock the door and shuffling over, the sound of the keys landing on the counter along the way.

"So..." You heard Steve start but trail off.

"So?" You copied as you stood up and wiped your knees off the dust embedded in the thick, wiry carpet. You were glancing at him but focusing on picking up the now-empty box and stood waiting briefly for an answer before you moved around Steve's still body. You half listened as he stumbled over his words trying to find the right wording. Clearly he was having a hard time trying to ask you something.

"Yes say it. Jesus, listening to you try and find the right words is more painful than what you're probably trying to ask." You sigh and turn on your heel to face him after placing the box down on the counter, arms now crossed over your chest. Quite frankly you were grumpy from being on your feet all day and tired of being around people. You just wanted to go home and have a nice bath, catch up on Golden Girls and call it a night.

You heard Steve sigh and he became quiet for a moment, you watched as he ran a hand over his hair and strolled over a little closer.

"Have you heard anything from Eddie?"

"No. You know I haven't. Why are you asking me this now?"

"It's just. There's been some information going around-"

"Information? What do you mean? Who from?"

You watched as Steve's expression twisted into a frown.

"I don't know who it came from first. Maybe Gareth? Anyway, apparently he's with some girl now and he's maybe. I'm not sure. Maybe coming back to Hawkins. But you can't trust word of mouth you know so dont-"

"You expect me to be okay with information. Steve? I haven't heard anything from Eddie for at least three months. Does he really even have anything to come back to?!"

"Hey...hey. calm down. Let's just-" you listened wanting to rant but you bit your tongue, wanting to see if that was all Steve was going to say.

"How about I walk you home? I know you have your little routine so...how about I make you some food while you have your bath?"

You took a deep breath and tried to calm down. You couldn't help but get so riled up at any mention of Eddie now. You only felt anger and pain when you heard his name or anything about what was going on with him. You wished that you could just erase home from.your mind like he never existed on your life. That would be easier than this.

"Okay. Let me just go sort some stuff in the back" you agreed after a moment.

...

Steve held the door open for you once you had unlocked it, you shot him a small smile and plodded into the dingy wooden cabin you called home, throwing your things down on the nearest seat before doing the same to your tired body, landing on your green corduroy couch. The scene had clearly amused Steve as you heard him chuckle from his place in the kitchen which was open plan to your living room. You knew that your flimsy home was rundown and stark in comparison to Steve's own home but he hadn't ever said anything, had given a more than surprised look when he first saw it but had kept any thoughts about the place to himself though you could read from his face back then that he thought it was a shitty little shack in the wooded area of Hawkins.

You heard Steve pipe up from the kitchen as you flicked through the TV trying to find the late night running of your favourite show.

"Not got much in. When did you last get groceries? Half of this is off" he grumbled, concerned

"I don't know..." You tried to dismiss it, acting like you hadn't been unconsciously starving yourself.

"You'll get unwell, you know. I'll grab you some food while you're at work tomorrow. OK? I'll order us some food for tonight. You have to look after yourself, there'll be nothing left if you at this rate" you listened at Steve rambled and you rolled your eyes even though you knew it was all true. You hated facing facts. You'd rather ignore them and deal with the consequences later.

"Yeah yeah. Okay. How about pizza?" You smiled and watched as Steve nodded and headed to the phone. You shifted your attention to the TV as Steve ordered, paying attention to the commercials that didn't stand out. It wasn't until you felt a tap on your legs that you shifted your gaze to Steve and moved your legs so he could sit down. The couch wasn't massive but it was enough for three people, you felt Steve tug your legs back down and placed on his lap. You felt a little fluttery as his hands remained on your legs, gently tapping along to the jingle of one of the commercials. You deny that the last few months were spent with Steve and along the way you two had been getting closer. You knew he was all about Nancy yet it seemed like for a short while he had shifted to you. Any time he touched you, you felt all warm and yet nervous inside. The same thing you felt with Eddie...but you didn't want to think about him. You loved Eddie. You never confessed it to him but it had probably been obvious to others. But he wasn't here now. And though you felt guilty every time you got butterflies from Steve's touch and smiles, you felt you deserved to be wanted, even in just friendship.

You were just sinking into the seat when you heard the phone go off. You groaned and went to get up but Steve signalled that he'd get it. Thinking the pizza place was calling back or something.

"Hello?" You heard Steve ask before falling silent, you didn't look until you noticed Steve had been silent for a moment too long. Long enough to pique your interest. You noticed the tense demeanour Steve suddenly held which gained a frown from you as you shifted to get a better look at Steve.

"No. She's not home. It doesn't matter what I'm doing here. It's not like you have any business saying where I shouldn't and should be." You listened as Steve became aggravated and you were trying to figure out with your tired brain who Steve was talking to until you heard a slight shout from the phone of a voice you recognised.

"Is that Eddie?!"

"No."

"Don't lie to me Steve. Give me the phone" you asked as you pulled yourself from the couch.

"No. You don't need to speak to that asshole" You listened to those words that left Steve's mouth and something stupid inside you snapped.

"Don't talk about him like that! Give me the phone" you demanded as you reached for the phone, you could hear Eddie on the other end shouting something unintelligible. All before you watched as Steve hung up. You stood in tense silence. In shock. Not being able to believe that Steve just hung up on the first call in months from Eddie. You felt the anger rise from the pit in your stomach. A fiery resentment suddenly formed. You didn't realise what you had done until the sound echoes off your walls and Steve was no longer at eye level. You had slapped him clean across the face. The sound of contact had been so crisp. And Steve's body had swung down after the contact until he was in. A crouch, trying to compose himself. You both stood in pained silence.

@didyoutrydynamite I have an offering for the Renegades!

~

The rookie on the team hates his job sometimes. Yes he’s the low guy on the totem pole, but did they really have to send him to tell the Boss the bad news every time? It was almost to the point that just him knocking on the door put the already surly boss in an even worse mood. He raised his hand to knock when he heard-

Boss: Just get in here already!

Rookie thinking: Great. He’s ready to bite my head off and I haven’t even said anything.

Walking in he’s almost choking on the smoke. Squinting he can make out at least three spent cigars in the ashtray, another bad sign. And his news isn’t going to help.

Boss: Of course they send you. What bad news do you have for me now?

Rookie: You know that team of Renegades that keep giving us the slip? We lost track of them. Again. Our contact watching the road they were reported to be on hasn’t seen anyone for the past 7-8 hours.

Boss: Damn! We miss them at every turn! How do they keep getting past us?!

Inside the van carrying the ever elusive Renegades, were Jaune riding shotgun trying to read a large paper map, Cinder in the back seat looking over his shoulder trying to help, Adam next to her fighting with his scroll, and Neo trying to drive. They are completely lost.

Cinder: I’m telling you we should’ve gone left!

Jaune: But we did go left, just like you said!

Cinder: Not left there, left back there!

Jaune: There aren’t any other places where we could’ve turned left other than where we did!

Cinder: Perhaps you’re just-

Adam: Stupid Scroll! Why won’t you work!

Cinder: You know that reception is worthless in this area so stop playing with that thing and help us figure out where we are!

Adam: You also know that my contact went missing on our last job two nights ago and I haven’t gotten it replaced so reading that map is not happening!

Jaune: Hey! This is all I could get my hands on!

Cinder: You can at least try to do something! Weren’t you leading strike operations in the White Fang?

Adam: We had better maps than this and a localized knowledge of the area before we did anything. What do you want me to do? Do I look like Magellan?

Cinder: Adam you can’t even spell Magellan.

Jaune: Wasn’t there some Louis guy that did some map work? Or am I thinking-

Cinder: Louis de what? What are you talking about?

Neo, leaning over to point out a part of the map: Hey, didn’t we pass this section here? We gotta be right here!

Jaune: Where? Which part?

All the Renegades lean in to get a closer look at the spot Neo is pointing at, the map obstructing their view of the road.

Cinder: Now I see what she’s talking about. How did we miss that?

Adam: The lines are too close together, but I think I can make out the shapes.

Jaune: Hey Neo?

Neo:🙂?

Jaune: Who’s driving?

Renegades, looking up from the map:😕😳?

The see a massive Grimm Ursa that seems just as surprised to see them as they are. And they are headed right towards him.

Renegades: 😱😱😱😱😱 AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!

Jerking the steering wheel, the crew find themselves in an impromptu roller coaster ride across the countryside unable to stop as Neo’s umbrella got stuck in the gas pedal. Eventually Jaune was able to free the obstruction just as they drove back onto the road with their destination in sight. Without a word, Neo pulls into the first gas station they see.

Cinder: Neo, remind me to never let you drive again.

~

I hope this was funny enough for ya. Your AtlA bit reminded me of An Extremely Goofy Movie. I just hope I did this justice.

Hello Tumblr user Rio Sarioh! If you're bored; do you have a favourite book you like to talk about? What is it about, why do you like it? Or perhaps a movie or show of which you enjoy the writing? A fairytale? A poem?

Wow, creative writing. Any thoughts on that? Pretty swell, in my opinion.

Hope you have a nice vague nine hour time window and that your thing arrives in good condition!

HEY tumblr user tt04sty hope u r doing well and thank you for the ask. also my Thing has indeed arrived in good condition so thank god i didnt have to wait all day for it. to be frank questions about my favorite media make me feel like a deer in headlights bc for whatever reason whenever i get asked this i somehow forget every piece of media i've ever consumed or that has had an impact on me in any way and i don't know why. safe answer though is probably everything everywhere all at once which i know might come as an absolute shock to everyone (<- wrote a 16k word fic inspired by it) but generally just any media that is very Wacky and Surreal visual-wise but with a central theme of love and connection gets me really bad because i am very predictable and also a little pathetic. also as a gay asian living in the west with a very stereotypical asian mother you can probably understand why the movie had such an impact on me LOL.

also creative writing... i've only done one work of creative writing in the past few years and that was wind back the clock which i think about genuinely all the time. writing Character Study is the most cathartic and fun experience in the world to me and i prolonged publishing that for SO long because i just wanted to keep working on it forever. my writer's problem is that it takes me about 60 years to come up with an idea that i am captivated enough by to be able to put it into writing and actually stick to it for more than a day and that has only happened one single time in my 2 years in mcytblr. but by god i would kill a whole man to be able to do that all over again because i am regrettably a stem major and have not written an essay or anything else creative in years and while im enjoying it i do feel like im missing out on a crucial part of being a Person. i miss writing so much you have no idea. and i feel like the further i go into this Degree the more my Meta Analysis brain starts to rot and get replaced by Numbers and Formulas and Snippets of code. i'm losing my touch forreal

as far as other media goes... to be perfectly honest i have not been consuming much lately just because i have been very busy irl but i did just finish reading the red rising trilogy for the first time which was cool... also have probably watched about 200 hours of animal documentaries over the past few months LOL. actually on the topic of books i am going on a flight soon and will have a 9 hour stopover so if anyone has any book recommendations of ANY genre i would love to hear them. please tell me all of your favorite books i want to read them all

All I Want for Christmas

Warnings: fighting, weapons, bullet wounds, stitches and bruises, slight cursing, let me know if I missed any :)

Pairings: Avengers x reader platonic

Request: Ok so avengers x reader who is super clingy and has an addicting personality, so everyone adores you. Youre also kinda like the groups therapist. Anyways, it's ur first time spending Christmas with the team. You were so excited! But unfortunately, there was a mission you and Steve had to go on during Christmas. You were super sad, but you were hoping that you'd atleast get to spend a little time with them. The mission was going pretty good so far. You only had a couple of bruises but you'd manage. You and Steve were in separate rooms an ufortunately for you, a group of some of your enemies snuck up behind you as you began fighting with them. You were about to win until you realized one of them was missing. And before you could turn around, you got shot in the chest. Steve immediately came over to you as he took you to the quinjet (idk how its spelled so sorry if its wrong loll). When you arrived he quickly brought you to the infirmary room. You had been asleep for atleast 2 hours asleep before you woke up, and when you did you were met with most of the team surrounding your bed anxiously. Once they saw that you were awake they all hugged you, making sure to be careful with your bruises and stitches. You all spent the rest on the day opening presents and watching Christmas movies. Have a good day, pookie wookie♡♡♡

Request by: @ladyagagaslefttoe

*not my gif*

Summary: Something goes wrong on the mission that you were supposed to be on during Christmas

A/N: Welcome to Day 11 of Book Places 12 Days of Christmas Celebration

Please don’t plagiarize my work, you may reblog if you like but I’m asking that you don’t steal my hard work

Though you were upset about being on the mission, that didn’t mean that you were any less focused on the task at hand. You knew that the faster you got it done, the sooner you could go back home to your team.

It of course was slightly more bearable though because you had Steve with you, meaning you weren’t entirely alone for the holidays.

Even if you were due to be done with the mission today, and Christmas was tomorrow, you and Steve wouldn’t be able to leave until well into the day tomorrow after your reports of what happened were done, and by the time you would get back, the day would be over.

It would have been better if all of you had just been sent on the mission together, then at least you could spend Christmas with one another, but Fury had insisted that only yours and Steve’s skill sets were needed.

Perhaps it was the thought of Christmas and your team that had drawn your attention away from the task at hand for a split second. Or perhaps it was the nagging worry for Steve in the back of your mind, who had been separated from you into a different room.

Whatever the reason was, one minute there were four people in front of you, and the next there were three.

The confusion had barely registered in your head before you heard a sound of footsteps behind you.

For a second, you had forgotten all of your training, the lessons that had been drilled into your head to never look away from your opponents, to find a different way to turn around while still being able to keep an eye on those in front of you.

Almost in slow motion, your eyes swept to the side and your weight was shifted to the heel you had begun to turn on to look over your shoulder.

Before you could even fully face the opposite direction though, a loud noise rang throughout the room seconds before a torturous pain spread through your chest.

The bullet lodged in and found it’s way home long before you hit the ground, and your enemies took that as their cue to get the hell out of the room. They didn’t care if they didn’t see you fully die, because in about two seconds, they knew a pissed off super soldier would be on their asses.

“S-Steve…” You croaked out, voice coming out scratchy and much quieter than you intended as you rolled back and forth on the ground, putting as much pressure as you could muster onto the wound.

Panic began to flare through you like a firework as you became acutely aware of your arms growing weaker and weaker until they fell limp to your sides and there was nothing you could do to stop it.

The last thing you remembered before your eyes rolled back and your vision went dark was the sound of boots thundering towards you and a voice you swore you could recognize calling out your name.

-•-

The steady sound of beeping was what arose you from your unconscious state, but you didn’t yet open your eyes.

You strained your ears slightly to hear something beyond the dull tone, pushing your senses to the limit until you almost gave up, but that’s when you heard the soft sound of muttering and the scuffling of shoes against tiles.

For a split second, all of your instincts kicked in and you felt your heart freeze. Had you been captured? What had happened to Steve?

The beeping noise turned into an eerie steady line, and all the voices immediately stopped.

“Y/n!” You heard a familiar voice cry, and your eyes finally snapped open.

All around where you were lying on a bed, stood your team, looking down at you with mixtures of worried and panicked expressions. Everyone was there. Tony, Nat, Bruce, Clint, Thor, and even Steve.

Your muscles immediately relaxed at the sight of them and the steady beeping once again returned. Your eyes flitted to the side to see that it was a heart monitor that was attached to wires that just so happened to be attached to you.

Everyone around you sagged in relief when your heart rate returned to normal and you looked up at all of them with questioning eyes, “W… What happened?” Your voice took a minute to work from disuse.

“You were shot,” Nat explained softly, reaching forward and gently rubbing her hand up and down your arm soothingly, “Nearly scared us half to death.”

It took you a second, but you realized that you were back at the compound, meaning Steve had been forced to carry out the rest of the mission by himself and get you back without any help.

You looked at the man, guilt taking over your features, “I’m sorry.” You whispered to him.

“Hey, hey,” He said tenderly, “It’s not your fault, the important thing is that you’re safe.”

Gingerly, he bent forward and pulled you into a hug, making sure to be extra careful of all the wires that were around you.

“How bad is it?” You worked up the courage to turn to Bruce and ask, knowing that he would know better than anyone.

“You were actually very lucky,” There was obvious relief in his tone as he spoke, “The bullet wasn’t lodged in very far, so you managed to get out with little more than some stitches and bruises.”

“From what I heard, you fought very valiantly!” Thor announced with a proud grin.

You couldn’t help but laugh a little bit at his words that were meant to- and did- lighten the mood.

“Of course you did,” Clint spoke teasingly, “I bet you saved Caps ass multiple times on that mission.”

Said man rolled his eyes playfully as you nodded your head up and down dramatically.

“I think this calls for a celebration!” Tony reached over and clapped his hand on Steve’s shoulder.

The blonde rolled his eyes, “You think everything calls for a celebration.”

Stark snapped his fingers and pointed at him, “That’s true, but you’re both back. And on Christmas, not to mention! So what’s not to celebrate?”

Your eyes widened slightly in realization, “It’s Christmas?”

All of them sidestepped in sync, revealing a large pile of presents that had clearly been transported from the living room into your recovery room so that they could stay with you to celebrate.

So just like that, the gifts were passed out one by one until each of your fingers were cramping and sore from ripping off so much wrapping paper.

“Movie time?” Clint asked with a grin, emitting nods and cheers from everyone else as they all settled into chairs and couches around your bed and turned to the television screen in the front of the room.

You looked side to side to all of them, “You know,” You spoke, “All things considered, this was a really good Christmas.”

Nat reached over with a soft smile and squeezed your hand, “We’re so glad you think so.”

“And that you’re okay!” Bruce piped up.

“Merry Christmas, guys.” You said.

“Merry Christmas,” They all chorused back in sync.

We Are Groot 🤎- @lovanitu @jvdethirlwall @ineedmorefanfics2 @sambucky8 @spidyyparker @irethepotato @femalemarvelself @mukbee @its-hell @ip747 @i-writes-things @popfishjr @mitsuki-murakami @mythixmagic

Phone addiction and ADHD

Phones give a mind numbing constant stream of a dopamine high like doom scrolling. If you're sucked into this habit for hours on end every day, it can mess up your brain's dopamine regulation and then everything that's not your phone seems dull, not as stimulating and boring, so all you want to do is go back to that rush, and pick up your phone again.

With someone with ADHD, the brain already struggles with dopamine regulation for focus and motivation and so, I think we're especially susceptible to phone addiction and the repercussions are perhaps more pronounced than a neurotypical person.

I've definitely noticed a concerning change with my attention span. I didn't get a smart phone until I was 19 and as a kid, reading books was my favorite thing to do, now it's like when I sit down to read, it's like I have to uncomfortably force myself to read a page or two and I start wanting to pick up my phone again because it's so much more stimulating. I don't have to have any patience, any song, show, book, movie or thing I want to learn about is all instantaneous. I've never had issues with impulsivity, poor decision making and poor time and money management (at least minimally), but when my brain has become so used to being relaxed and used to "imaginary" money just disappearing and objects appearing at the door a day later, is an unprecedented dopamine addiction.

My phone is great when I use it MINDFULLY not MINDLESSLY. I find I actually find more enjoyment from my phone when I'm intentionally doing something specific like drawing, reading or listening to music. Getting sucked into a doom scroll or WAY off track, just makes me feel dull, and sad that I let it happen for the umpteenth time.

For the past few years, I've experimented with finding activities to replace phone time. I got a Sony ereader Pocket Edition ERS-300. Why get an old device made in 2009 when I could have gotten the latest Kindle? I didn't want something with wifi or ads, so, I prioritized simplicity and I miss devices with tactile buttons for sensory purposes. I got a handheld radio to use before bed and when I wake up instead of being on my phone. I also got into retro gaming because it's better than being online and on social media. I decided to take up origami again like when I was a kid as well as baking, playing with my dogs, drawing, crafting...etc. At first it was difficult to remember what I did for fun as a kid, what did I do before my smart phone? I'm glad I'm figuring it out though.

The best thing I can do right now is make my smartphone "dumber," like turning on greyscale, uninstalling distracting apps and only leaving the necessary "tools" and turning on Do Not Disturb. Basically make it boring. I did order a Light Phone II (I couldn't get my childhood flip phone to connect to modern cell networks), so when it arrives, I'll see if that helps since keeping my phone in "boring" mode seems to be a struggle to stick to. It's like I'm so used to it being stimulating, I feel like it SHOULD be that way, I expect it to and being boring feels wrong but I guess that's just another symptom of the hold it has on me.

I realized I had a genuine problem when I spent like 8 hr on my phone then sat down in bed and I felt like I didn't know how to exist without me staring at it. Like a substance addict's brain being buzzed and never satisfied without the thing that makes it feel that way.

This has been a genuine issue for me and my ADHD sister as well, so, I'm just making this about my experience and I hope to support anyone who might be dealing with the same issue.

A World Without You by jaunefleur

An Anti-Romance Jam entry. > Note: this entry was submitted as a demo. containing a prologue and 3 Chapters. The review will only reflect what is there. Still the demo is quite long. I maybe needed a few hours to read it all (on playthrough).

Entry - More by Jaune - @jaunefleurwrites CW: terminal illness, impending death, anxiety, death, teen pregnancy

Dealing with a World without You

You are going to die. You know it. Nothing will change from the facts that your illness is incurable and that you only have few moments left before your inevitable demise. You resigned yourself to your fate. But when Damin, a bubbly bubblegum-haired [person] crosses your path, everything you thought about life flips upside down. This is the premise of the project. At the current state of the demo, you've met that person, but sparks haven't quite flown just yet between you two.

From the start, it is clear AWWY is quite anchored in the Tumblr/CoG school of IF, with its custom UI, expected extensive length, and flowery style. However, instead of focusing on branching and choices, AWWY takes a more linear approach with a twist. This makes sense with the story told, considering the MC's fate is sealed - unless a magical cure comes at the last minute, they will die no matter what. So, rather than giving player a plethora choices, the demo subvert expectations by switching POVs within a chapter, limiting choices to one or two for flavour within a chapter. You may start the chapter with your MC, before the story is cut to your mother's POV or your brother's or Damin's. Parsed through those, you are treated to some flashbacks, exploring the different character's pasts, and how those events shaped their present. This creates an interesting dynamic, making the story feel at times more like a movie than and interactive game. The switches between POV or time period are also clearly indicated at the start of each part. Having to control the MC through the eyes of another character was a bit surreal, but in a good way!

Maybe a downside to this approach is the evident lack of player agency throughout the story. Even with the MC referred as 'you' in their POV, you feel more like a spectator than an active participants. While again, this make sense considering the context - you can't affect the end - it does take a bit away from the interactivity of the game, making the project look more kinetic than interactive in nature. This is not an inherent critique of this aspect of the project, as kinetic stories can pull a bigger punch than a choke-full-of-choice game. And I can see this story being one of those. It is just that, at time, some opportunities to elevate a scene through interactivity were missed, which could have made important beats more impactful (like the scene where the MC claims to hate everyone). On the other hand, it did work quite well for the character creation, avoiding any potential choice-fatigue for the player by spreading out those choices throughout the story - only bringing up relevant elements when necessary.

I struggled as well with the pace of the story, as it went back and forth between past and present, and between POVs, making something the sequence of events a bit... confusing. A perhaps good example would be when Damin meets the MC at the butterfly grove*, for the first time it seems, but doesn't seem to recognise the MC (who turns out to be their neighbour) in the next chapter, or whether Damin arrived before the MC into town or the reverse. This resulted in some high-pressure events, like the fight between the MC and Damin, feeling a bit coming out of nowhere (unless it was supposed to be a flashforward?). In the same vein, it seemed like the prose focused a bit too much on (over)telling the player what was happening, rather than let the scene speak for itself. This lead often to repetitions in one same passage/paragraph*. I thought this was a bit of a shame, since there are pretty poetic descriptions of actions/setting, but were drowned in explanations. A bit more TLC on the prose will help the flow of the story. For example, hinting at a character's feelings through action only (instead of the action + description of the feeling) - like breathing a bit too fast or twitching when anxious, or freezing when someone is angry talking to you - or use punctuation and formatting to establish at a tone (instead of describing the tone then the uttered words) - like three dots to show uncertainty or disdain, or a en-dash to choke on words when emotional. *Sidenote: this scene felt pretty magical with the butterflies dancing! *Repetition can be useful, but should be used in moderation for strongest impact.

Underneath it all, there is a good base for an interesting story. The characters, though clearly flawed (good!), feel believable and quite human (especially the moody teenagers). Their pain will still pull your heartstrings. It is set up to be a tearjerker, for sure! Most introduced characters have clear motivations, goals, and challenges to overcome - mainly carrying on after MC passes. It is quite clear where the story is going, and it could make for quite the heartbreaking and bittersweet conclusion. Out of all characters introduced so far, I particularly enjoyed Damin's sassy grandmother. She seems like a treasure, and a needed comedic relief in this heavy story. I hope we see more of (and learn more about) her in future chapters.

Another aspect I quite enjoyed was the addition of assets in the game, particularly the images. The demo gave a neat way of choosing Damin's gender (and inherent design), as well as customising our room (by choosing one of "our" drawing). Seeing our sketchbook getting filled as we move from chapter to chapter, used as an alternative to a written journal, was a nice touch. I hope more are planned for the future, their designs were lovely. Note: I picked the hippopotamus :P

The premise of the game made me thing of The Fault in Our Stars by John Green, which I think it took inspiration from?

There was supposed to be audio according to the credits, but I didn't hear any music during my playthrough. I had some small issues with the game itself, with the OpenDyslexic font not working, or the colour palette not being quite accessible (not contrasted enough) for easy reading. I also picked up on a few wrong pronouns for Damin and wrong names for myself.

(closed starter ;; @midnightxmission , @onlyaphcse can i remember who goes next? no. please discuss amongst yourselves)

Wanda was no hunter.

A fighter, there was no doubt about that. She could be brutal when necessary. But she didn’t prowl nor did she stalk.

If there was someone she ought to be working with for this session then Blade or Elsa sprang to mind. Both capable. Both with ample experience in matters of the UNDEAD. But neither were available and it was Reese who had first questioned the situation and Kate who had firsthand experience of what was happening.

And so here was the crack team looking to rid Lotkill of vampires. It seemed like the starter of a rather cringey and cliche movie.

Wanda believe both Kate and Reese capable, but Kate far exceeded Reese in experience and hardiness. Reese had not chosen to be a predator. She ought not to be involved in the fight - but she had chosen to be here and Wanda wasn’t going to patronise her. Her information had been invaluable.

When Reese had first visited the Emporium, nothing had been amiss. Wanda had extended her hand and offered for her to come - she had a few other vampire clients and plenty who chose to come out only at night. The shop had late hours when Wanda wanted it to. And the Last Door didn’t keep any hours. Things happened when it happened. Reese (and the House of Shadows, Mission) had welcome her and she would welcome them. And then Reese had come again and wanted had been happy to assist with a small matter and— was that when the trouble began?

She wondered if Reese had mentioned the recruitment drive to Marc or not. Perhaps she ought to. He should know. But that could wait now. The vampire cult in Lotkill had been non-existent and then had suddenly burst forth. Wanda…. Well, she blamed herself. She blamed herself for a lot, probably even when she should not. But she’d brought mystical energy to the small town and mystical energy drew in mystical energy. They’d been drawn to her. So she blamed herself. That was also something that could wait.

How had she not noticed? All the time spent in the city perhaps or time focused on Last Door jobs. And vampires? She had experience, but not regularly. No one had gone missing - that was noticeable. Tourists. Transients. Who noticed those people when they left no footprint or trace? When they no hand in the situation?

The group (CULT) had grown and now— they’d tried to snatch up Reese, bring her into the fold.

Now— they’d try to attack Kate, make her one of them.

NOW— they had royally pissed off the Scarlet Witch.

“I won’t try and dissuade you, Reese. But it’s you they want. I don’t think you should be near. And I don’t want you hurt. But you’re stubborn…” A pause, and then she shook her head. “Your help will be invaluable. Knowing where they are is a massive help. If you can help us track them down I’d be grateful.” A look to her fellow mutant now, “Kate and I can handle it from there.”

Kate, Wanda was sure, would be fine. She’d had dark incidents in the past with vampires (that look in her eyes when Dracula was mentioned could turn the undead deader). But she was strong and a capable fighter.

Reese? This situation was so similar to how SHE had been turned. The operation was bigger and wider spread, but it was the same. A nest looking to grow. And here they were discussing how to kill vampires. Reese was ALSO capable, but she had feelings and this wasn’t ideal. This wasn’t nice. She’d gone through a lot and Wanda didn’t want to make things… more difficult. She really ought to tell Marc. Just in case. Tonight would go well, but going forward—? She pushed the thought away. They had to have their wits about them and be in the moment.

Reese wasn’t backing down, neither was she. Reese was doing good when she could. Doing better.

“How many went after you again, Kate?” Wanda questioned. Knowing how many went out in a pack to hunt may indicate the greater number of them. She picked up a few weapons of her own to take (oh, they had a magical plan of course but to get to that the two mutants needed to take out more than a few first). They were almost ready to head out, but there was always time to take in more information.

I finished the positive playing game route of MCLAL Armin episode 2. It cost me, 1120 AP. I got the gaming illustration. Here is the summary:

(This summary is the sequel of the summary positive route episode 1: https://at.tumblr.com/magic-belodie/i-finished-the-positive-route-of-mclal-armin/rcqunn6xf1kp) 

You start this episode in your room. It is the day after you kissed Armin. You just met Yeleen and you told her everything that happened yesterday. That you kissed Armin to shut him up, or you don't know why you did it. You ask Yeleen what she would have done in your place. Yeleen says that if she should kiss someone every time, she wants someone to shut up. She would kiss you now. You react with don't temp me. Yeleen is a little surprised about the reaction. But you kissed enough yesterday, and it was a joke. Yeleen asked what happened after the kiss. Armin and you didn't talk to one another after it. You two quickly split up to avoid any awkwardness. You didn't even speak to Rosa or Alexy after it, you just went home. Then someone is knocking on the door. Yeleen, and you don't expect someone. You open the door and see Armin. You can't believe it. How did Armin know your room number? The admin officer gave it to him. You don't believe that you had to negotiate with him for an hour to get a key because you were too early. Armin is just a better negotiator than you. Actually, Armin got it with doing him a favor by helping him with his phone. Armin asked if he can come in to talk to you. You don't know what to do. You haven't had the time enough to think about what happened, but you still want to see him. Armin sees your roommate and greet her. You let Armin in. You decide to listen to your head, and act like nothing happened. So, Armin asks you specific about the moment that you stuffed your tongue in his mouth. You turn red. When you kissed Armin, if felt for Armin like everything was coming back. Everything was good between you two, and he misses it a lot. Armin misses you. He couldn't stop thinking about it since yesterday. He should have tried everything to get back in contact with you after you hang up. Armin wants to give you and him another changes. Armin has changed and is more mature now. He will do anything for another change with you. You don't know what to say. You want him back, but you also don't want to get hurt anymore. In the end, you answer with that he has to prove that this time it will be different? That he will be sincere. Armin will do what you want, you just have to ask. You tell him to beg you. Armin is surprised about the answer. You tell him that he will do anything for you. So, he has to beg. Armin looks at Yeleen. She says to pretend like she is not here. The Armin looks back at you and goes down on his knees and says he solemnly begs you, and in front of a witness, to give him a second chance. And ask if he also has to kiss your feet. You both start laughing. You tell him it is okay and to get back up. Yeleen coughs. She finds you both cute, but weird. Maybe next time she should ask you for advice. She leaves the room to give you two some space. Armin asks if you are really okay with this. You also thought about what happened. Perhaps you should have been more direct about what you wanted before you broke up. And you are also more mature. So yes, you want to try again, but with a few conditions. You are not official together, it is a change. Armin whispers in your ear that it is a change for you to win him back, and he is confident that you soon will be on your knees for him. It makes your body shiver. But it is the opposite, he came here to win you back. So, you have already won him. Armin says, so we are halfway there then. He wants a change to win you back, he can handle that. Armin could take you to a sci-fi movie tonight. You make a sound to let him know that he is wrong. Armin thought about something that would please him instead of asking what you want. That is not a great first move to win you back. You agree with him, but he is allowed to try again. He asks you what you want to do on your first date and if you want to go tonight. Tonight works for you. You suggest taking a walk outside. Armin tries to hide his disappointments about your suggestion. He says that it is a marvelous idea and in the top 2000 of his favorite activities. You see each other at 6.30 at the gazebo. You also tell him to wear something nice. That won't be a problem for Armin. He learns forward to kiss you. You step aside and open the door for Armin. You are starting again from the beginning, and now in a good way. Armin understands and leaves you alone. You already start to think about what you want to wear tonight, but first you have to go to class. You can't really concentrate in your classes. All you are thinking about is Armin. After class, you go automatically to your room to choose your outfit. There is only one outfit to pick. You took some time to admire your self in the mirror. You think Armin will like this outfit, and then you leave for your date. Armin is already at the gazebo when you arrive. He is looking at his phone. You walk towards him and he notice you. Armin thinks that you look gorgeous. You can't believe Armin is on time. He tells you that he came here after leaving your place and worked from here. You warn him to be careful to not set the bar too high. If you get used to it, he won't be able to keep to standards. But that is Armin's coal, if you get used to it, you will be addicted to it. You two start walking at the path that leads to the beach. You two start the walk in silence. Your mind can't decide about what you want to say. In the end, you ask what's new with Armin. For most things, Armin is the same person. He still spent a lot of time behind a screen. He still plays and codes. Then Armin fells on the road. You rush towards him to help him up. This path isn't very practical. Armin asks how long it is going to take. The path will still take some time. Armin wishes the path was easy. But if it was easy, he won't have an excuse to hold your hand. Armin doesn't need an excuse and pulls you towards him. You two are so close, you can almost kiss him. Armin has it all planned out in his mind. You two will fall together and land on each other. But before you can make up your mind to kiss him. Armin set a step away and says that it wouldn't be fit for a gentleman. You both continue the walk. Armin is curious if you choose this activity to torture him. That did play a part, but you also really wanted to discover this path. You must have listened until the end, the path will be torture. You tell Armin how nice it can be to be outside, and that keeps him from going soft behind a screen. He lets you know that he is not all soft, you can feel it, if you want to. You tell him to go ahead and show you. He held out his arm for you to feel. You look surprised. Then he asks what you were thinking. He is talking about touching his muscular arms, or his steely abs, at most. You react with, of course, his arms, and abs are muscular from all the mouse clicks. You should have known that he would jump at the occasion. But Armin jumps up at any occasion with you. You give him a point for that. Armin is curious how many points he has to get before winning you. You haven't decided yet. But with that kind of remark, Armin should be lucky that there is a girl who wants to give him a change. Armin and you are both quiet again. You ask him if he has seen other girls in the between time. Armin is thinking of a way to give the answers that will receive him the most points. You tell him that the truth will give him the most points. Armin did have a few girlfriends, but nothing important. You ask him if didn't take anyone to Disneyland. No, he didn't he need 6 months to plan that kind of trip. None of the relationships reached that. None of those relationships were serious. He couldn't help but compare everything in his head to you. All the things you two did together, all the games between you two. He soon stopped trying to be with someone else. He says this while blushing. After you, he never felt in love again. You set the bar too high. You don't know what to say, but are happy with his answers. Now Armin wants to know if you had someone. You tell him not really, a bit like you in the end. A few things, but nothing serious. Armin is happy with the answer. He didn't expect that you would have no one in the between time. But he is happy that you didn't find your big love in the between time. Armin would have felt stupid if that had happened. Armin also probably set the bar too high. You both reach the end of the Forrest. You can now see the beach. The view is beautiful. You are halfway there. Does that mean that you now turn around and walk back home? No, you are halfway to the beach. If you keep up, you will be there at sunset. That will be romantic. Armin will surprise it if you will enjoy it. Your legs are already shaking from the walk. Armin will give you this round if we go home. It was a great way to test his will. Next time, you should think about something that Armin doesn't like but that you are good at. Armin can still walk to the beach, but he can't carry you the whole way back. You give in to Armin. Armin suggests that you can still see the sunset from his apartment. You two could relax there. You like that idea. Armin and you walk hand in hand to his apartment. You both are quiet, and you think about what would happen at his apartment and how far you want to go. You still feel attractive to Armin, maybe even more. But you don't want to rush things. In the end, you decide to just see how it goes. You reach Armin's apartment at the shops street.

You are happy, you arrive at the apartment. The walk has made you a bit tired. Armin lives at the first floor. He leads you to his room. You are surprised when you see the room. You expected a small studio. But it is a lot bigger than your dorm room. You see a large cage in the room. Armin took Rocket with him to this place. You see him lying on a chair. You go over to him to stretch his head. Again, you take a look around. How did Armin get all his stuff here, and the apartment must also cost money? Why didn't he go back to his parents? Armin used a mover for his stuff, and he likes his privacy. Armin would probably have to talk with his parents before he could invite you in, if he still lived there. You thought that his parents were pretty cool. They are, but if he would bring a girlfriend home who is actually his ex, you can expect questions. You are not yet his girlfriend. Armin thought he was winning you over. He gets closer to you. You want to kiss him again, but you don't. It is for you to decide if he has won you. All Armin likes to say, is that he enjoy his own space. So, he rents this place by the week. Every week, you think that means that Armin isn't planning on staying. You ask him how long he is staying. Until the end of his internship. His internship as at a company that makes games.  Armin works mostly on game development and a bit on art designing. You like to see it. Armin will let you know when the game is out. So, you can try it. Armin and you are both feeling hungry. Armin ask you what you want to eat. You ask him if he didn't plan on cooking for you. But you remember how he cooks, and you know that won't be any good. He names up your favorite place to order and ask if you still want the same as you use to. He didn't ask you. You have no idea what he is going to order for his self. He wanted to ask you, but he also wants to show that he still know you. It makes you happy. The order has been placed. So, what do you want to do while waiting for the order. You don't know what to do. Armin suggests playing a game or watching a movie. You choose to play the game, LoL. Armin is surprised, didn't you say yesterday that you didn't play anymore. You don't want to play without Armin. Armin tells you to go easy, the game has changed a lot. You go sit in the game chair. Armin gets his self another chair.  But before you start the game, Armin likes to know why you have come back here. He wanted to ask earlier, but then he looked at you and just lost his thoughts. You start blushing and tell Armin about your studies. He seems really interested in your stories and asks some questions. You are surprised by that. Maybe he could use some knowledge of it in his games. You will give him a private lesson for it. Armin likes that idea, but first it is gaming time. You use Armin's test account and select Ashe to play with. But Dambattler (Dambi) wins from you three times. Then the intercom bell goes, Armin goes to get the food. By the time he comes back, you have lost two more times. Armin gives you the food and goes into the battle to avenges you. But Armin also isn't capable of winning from Dambattler. You tell him that he might not be as good as he thinks. Armin knows exactly how good he is. Dambattler is just super good. Armin goes dead again. He thinks he can't avenge you. He gives you a kiss on the cheek. Armin hopes that helps to forgive him, and it does. Armin and you decide to play another game, the last call of duty. As soon as the game start, a friend comes online LOsslight. Armin puts the microphone in front of you. You mute the microphone to tell Armin that you like his game name RØcketBØy. Then LOsslight ask if you can hear him. You set the microphone on again and tell LOsslight that he will be beaten today. LOsslight is surprised to hear your voice. It is much prettier than Armin's. LOsslight asks if you are Armin's girlfriend. You tell him that Armin wants that. That gives LOsslight a change, he thinks according to your voice that you are really pretty. If he wins, he may take you on a drink. Armin gets in front of the microphone and tells Nathaniel to forget it. He makes you feel uncomfortable. Armin is the one, who is uncomfortable. Nathaniel agrees to stop. But you are surprised that it really is Nathaniel. He also goes to Antros. You like to see him again. But Nath is really busy and first wants to play a game. Turns out you are not really good in the game. You ask Armin to help you. Armin goes to stand behind you and rest his hand on yours. He gives you all kind of clues to help. But you are not really listing. The feeling of Armin so close to you distracts you. You let Armin take the control and watch at him. You like him so much at this moment, you get the illustration. Then Nath leaves the game. He has something urging to go. In the end, you still lose the game.  You are both tired of losing and diced to stop gaming. It is getting dark. Armin will walk you back to the university. You both walk all the way quietly. Armin says you goodbye at the gate. You both had a great time and want to see each other again. Armin will call you. You walk through the gates and think back about your amazing night. The episode ends.   

goddamn this game!!! im not even done with my first playthrough and im already trying to figure out what i want to do with my second one.... i mean, ill share anyway. thoughts below the cut!

i feel like my first pass has been a rollercoaster of self-discovery and reflection and an... all consuming affection for a certain vampire twink. i think i have given varying levels of care to the story: i was in and out in act one while i figured out what this game was about and whether or not the story was interesting enough to listen to,¹ but i made a real effort to try and do every little thing before leaving.

in act 2, i kind of tired myself out by being so exhaustive in act 1 so i kind of sped run a lot of it (partially because i was DYING to find out what happens with astarion, partially because of the aforementioned burn out, partially because i was frustrated with the difficulty curve) so i really did not pay much attention. i refocused once dame aylin came into the picture because. hello. how could you ignore that-- but i had lost important beats and foreshadowing because of how i navigated that arc. i feel i have the most room to grow when returning to this chapter.

in act 3, im really slowing down and smelling the roses more, but trying not tire myself out the way i did in act 1. i am realizing, however, as some character arcs reach their crest, that i spent a lot of time and care with astarion and through that very singular focus have missed out on a lot of the other characters!! At this juncture i would say i am interested but not overly invested in the outcome of the overall story arc, and this may well be the result of my inconsistent focus on it.... it could also just be that i have very high standards for a compelling story. From where i stand, having not yet finished the game, i have found that the individual character arcs are the strongest point in the game by far-- i have seen most this through shadowheart and astarion, and although dame aylin's arc is not long, it is fucking powerful. perhaps i will find that the game returns what you give, and i may enjoy other parts of the story more if i give them more focus.

¹ I personally find that most RPG stories fall completely flat for me, so I was not expecting much. For the average game, I am far more interested in mechanics than story beats. Can't tell you why because I love a good book! And a good movie! And good TV!

so, given all this, my intentions for my second(!) run are:

acquire all characters asap (i went without karlach for most of act one, oops!), really try to spend time with them, and rotate through my party so I can see how the different characters interact. this may require slowing down even more than i did in my first run, but since the character arcs ive seen so far have proven to be the most compelling part of the game, i think it will be worth the trouble. i just have to be patient!

plan my character's progression out in advance so the difficulty curve does not hit as hard in act 2

stop looking at guides... altogether. this is a silent killer that i think has fucked with my experience! i have this compulsion to want to do everything perfect and control all the factors i can to give myself the best outcome and i think that has really hurt my experience in a number of ways: 1) ruins the surprise, 2) frames important story beat decisions in terms of costs and benefits rather than whether the choice is in-line with the character would say (or what I want to say), 3) reinforces this fun belief that mistakes should never be made even in fun fantasy game 4) micromanaging to this extent is just.. exhausting! It means im devoting less energy to the story than on how to optimize it to get the outcome i want. not great!

try my very best to not just hit spacebar during major plot beats. i think this will mainly mean playing in shorter bursts because i get attention fatigue if playing for longer than 1.5-2 hours.. and also eating before and drinking water while i play so i dont get hangry.

i think that's it! hopefully i will get a different but still engaging experience with the game! thanks for reading :)

A Surprising Visit (SS, LM, V/B)

By yan-senna

Other links to the one shot: Wattpad / AO3

The Keeper of the Diamond series

One shot schedule list

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Introduction:

This is a one shot of The Keeper of the Diamond series. It contains Severus Snape x reader, Lucius Malfoy x reader and Valtor/Baltor x reader. It’s a crossover between Harry Potter and Winx Club. I only own Y/N who is 19 years old. I also own Laura and Vera, but they are only mentioned.

This is a request from @encantadiafan12 here on Tumblr & Wattpad. Thank you for your request!

As Y/N’s friends are away on the weekend, the girl is rather bored. She however gets an unexpected yet surprising visit from three wizards she knows really well.

I hope you enjoy!

PS: You can send requests!

Word count: 1.1k

Published: 5/2/2022

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TW: Mentions of nightmares

It’s the weekend. Y/N is home alone as Laura is visiting her mom while Vera is visiting her parents. The girl sighs. Knowing that her friends are visiting their parents reminds her how much she misses her mom…

She’s lying on her bed, trying to figure out what to do as she’s quite bored. She could read a book or perhaps watch a movie.

Sighing once more, she rolls out of bed and approaches the window in her room. She looks outside, observing the area. She could also go for a walk… if only it wasn’t raining this much.

As she looks outside the window, she doesn’t notice the sound of apparition.

She squeals when she feels someone wrapping their arms around her. She slowly turns around only to look into onyx eyes. It’s Snape.

She then notices another person next to him… It’s Lucius, smirking at her.

“Well, hello, darling. We didn’t mean to frighten you” he says as he chuckles.

“Indeed… We just came to see you” Snape states.

Y/N smiles at them. “Sorry, I was lost in thought. This was definitely a surprising visit. And I’m glad you came! Laura and Vera are out, so I’m the only one here” she explains.

She suddenly hears a third person chuckling.

“Well, then it’s good that we came, huh?” the person says, sounding amused. It’s Valtor.

“Oh, Valtor! Hi!” she exclaims, looking surprised to see him here as well.

He smirks. “Hello, Y/N. I hope you don’t mind us coming here. Severus and Lucius invited me, believe it or not” he states, laughing.

Snape groans. He almost regrets inviting him… The man has decided to call the Potions Master by his first name as he thought it wasn’t right to only do that to Lucius.

It will take a while for him to accept it… Which might never happen.

Lucius clears his throat. “Yes, we did. Now that your friends aren’t here, what would you like to do, Y/N?” he asks as he looks at the girl.

“Well, I was thinking of either reading or watching TV” she tells them.

“We could all read a bit and then watch some television afterwards” Snape suggests.

Lucius raises an eyebrow. “TV… Television… I take it they are the same thing?” he questions, not knowing much about the Muggle device.

“Yes, Lucius. They are the same thing” Snape replies, rolling his eyes.

Y/N chuckles at them before the four of them each pick a book. They sit on her bed as they start reading.

There isn’t that much space, so Y/N is sitting on Snape’s lap while reading her book. He wraps an arm around her waist.

“Comfortable?” he asks, smirking.

Y/N nods while blushing. She immediately tries to hide her red cheeks behind the book. However, the others notice.

“There’s no need to hide behind the book” Valtor teases. That makes her cheeks turn even redder.

______________________________

After a few hours of reading, they put their books back on the book shelves before entering the living room where the TV is. Well, the TV used for watching movies. The one used for playing games is in Laura’s room, of course.

The four of them sit on the couch as Y/N turns on the TV. “I don’t suppose you want to watch the news” she says, laughing.

Lucius snorts. “Muggle news? No, thanks. I can only imagine how boring it must be” he says, almost frowning at the thought of watching it.

He won’t admit it, though, but he is a bit intrigued as it seems they actually show what’s going on in the world. Moving pictures of the incidents, interviews with people. It’s definitely different from just reading the Daily Prophet.

Y/N keeps changing the channels until they hopefully find something worth watching.

As they land on a cartoon channel, Valtor raises an eyebrow. “What’s this?” he questions.

Lucius and Snape quickly recognise it. “Isn’t this the show that your friends once showed us?” Lucius asks.

He forgot what it’s called, though. He remembers the word “Mon”. Maybe something about money?

“Yeah, it’s called Pokemon. Remember when Laura bought me a character plushie from the show when we went on a holiday to Japan?” she asks.

Snape nods. “Yes, she was hoping it would stop you from having nightmares” he points out, a bit hesitant.

Nodding, Y/N leaves the living room and returns with the Pikachu plushie that Laura gave her.

“It looks like this” she states as she shows it to Valtor.

He hums. “Interesting” he says, intrigued to watch what this cartoon is about.

“Well, why don’t we watch the show, then?” Lucius suggests.

Nodding, they get comfortable on the couch as they watch the episode. As they do so, Y/N can’t help but hug her plushie. It has helped a bit with her nightmares…

But nothing beats Snape and Lucius’ comforting presence.

As the three wizards try to understand what’s going on in the show, raising an eyebrow as they do so, Valtor’s phone suddenly rings. He sighs as he looks at the screen.

“Great, Faragonda needs me for something… Why did Tecna have to give that old hag a phone as well? I need to figure out how to block people on this thing…” he says in irritation.

He then rises from his seat. “Well, today has indeed been fun. We must do this again soon” he says.

Lucius and Snape slowly nod. Well, today hasn’t been so bad… They don’t actually regret inviting him. However, they will come alone next time…

As Valtor hugs Y/N, the two Slytherin men growl. Yes, they will definitely come without him next time…

Valtor smirks as he notices their looks. Always the jealous types, huh?

“See you next time” he says as he returns to Alfea through a portal.

Once he’s gone, Y/N turns around to look at the Slytherins. “Would you like to continue watching Pokemon? Otherwise, we could watch Harry Potter… You could see yourselves” she says, giggling. The two men smirk.

“Well, let’s continue watching the cartoon. Maybe we can watch the series about the Boy Who Lived another day…” Snape mutters.

He wonders if the series is different to what has happened in their world.

Meanwhile, Lucius wonders if his hair is neat-looking, and if the Muggles who produced the series know about wizard clothing…

The three of them sit on the couch, Y/N sitting on Lucius’ lap while resting her head on Snape’s chest. They continue watching the cartoon until they fall asleep.

Her friends will definitely be surprised when they return home to see the three of them sleeping on their coach.

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Author’s note:

The next one shot “Don’t Cry” (SS, LM) will be published 6/20/2022!

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Taglist:

@severuslovebot / @doctorwhofan24 / @jessicarosequinzelfleck / @eternal-silvertongued-prince / @blackqueens01 / @nickangel13 / @willie-ivy / @neesfilms / @someoneonearth2007 / @iobsessoverfictionalmen

introducing burton hayes...

something touched me deep inside the day the music died

I. STATS

full name: burton gregory hayes

gender & pronouns: cis-male, he/him

age & birthday: twenty-five, january 3rd, 1952

place of birth: los angeles, california

orientation: biromantic, bisexual

occupation: bartender indigo’s lounge, aspiring actor

skeleton: american pie

full stats

II. BACKGROUND

trigger warnings: pregnancy, substance abuse, plane crash/death mention

full biography

burton was born to a single mother who had moved to los angeles from georgia in pursuit of stardom. his biological father was this man who pretended to be an agent only to hook up with aspiring actresses and of course, sheltered ethel hayes fell right into his trap thinking he was going to make her a star and believing he was madly in love with her. as soon as ethel announced her pregnancy he was out of the picture.

as soon as he was born, she realized that she had to put her dreams on hold and grow up faster than she would have imagined. yet, she never complained of the cards she'd been dealt. everything happens for a reason. that was her way of seeing things. ethel worked two jobs and also managed to get her high school diploma, all while raising a child.

they didn’t have much but his mother made sure to always make time for her son and so she used to take him to the movies every weekend where they would spend hours. that’s how his love for cinema/pop culture was born. 

eventually his mom got a better job as a secretary and when he was eleven years old, his mother married to a successful dentist and war veteran. his little sister arrived when he was fifteen and pretty much his life changed for the better —even if he didn’t really have any complains about his previous life. 

academically he did pretty good, but he excelled at sports and played for the varsity baseball team. he also starred in most of the school’s plays and overall was considered pretty popular among the other students. he dated the same girl (cherry bomb) throughout high school until she left him on prom night which crushed him.

he was accepted into ucla where he majored in drama. his first year coincided with the on-campus protests after nixon’s announcement to invade cambodia. burton joined the protests, was arrested a couple of times and he became part of many student organizations. his professors either loved his guts or hated them, either way, they all could agree he had potential. for what? that was to be seen.

except that once graduation happened he found himself without a plan, just watching everyone transitioning smoothly into adulthood.

perhaps in a state of panic, he made the rash decision to move to new york where he lived in a small apartment with three other starving artists, one of which helped him get an agent. 

he booked a lot of commercials during the first months, some print ads but they all seemed to lack substance to him and they were nowhere near as interesting as the parties that happened until dawn, or the substances that helped him to forget that he was one of those who had peaked too soon in life.

his lifestyle stopped him from booking roles as he often missed auditions but his agent didn’t give up on him, convinced that he could make it if he only put in the effort. and so, it finally paid off. he booked the leading role in a play on broadway and it was supposed to be his breakthrough. he did everything right until the opening night. his nerves got the best of him and one drink turned into who knows how many. he woke up the next morning with no recollection of what had happened and an article on the newspaper retelling his drunk performance and the whole mess he caused. his agent dropped him and it was pretty clear that that was the end for him in new york.

he came back to los angeles about a month or so ago, got a job as a bartender, a new agent and he’s trying to clean his reputation as well as staying out of trouble and acting more like an adult than a teenage broncin' buck.

III. PERSONALITY

burton is fully immersed in the present moment, savouring all that life has to offer. he is frequently preoccupied with quick gratification that he fails to plan ahead which can be very frustrating to people because it seems that he doesn’t take anything seriously which he does but only when it’s time to. in a way, he relies a lot in luck and he takes life as it is without complains. he is an extremely social person and gets most of his energy from being around people he cherishes, he loves talking about everything and nothing but he’s especially passionate about films, music and books. burton loves the spotlight, and he’s the kind of guy that would try to bring the party back to life when it seems to be dying. he’s normally a very chill person and rarely gets upset but he’s extremely sensitive and when he believes someone is questioning or criticizing him, he has a hard time viewing such criticism as constructive. often he reacts to this with rage and bitterness. aside from that, he’s pretty conflict averse and he will try everything to avoid uncomfortable situations. burton as well is very nostalgic. if he’s not living in the present he’s reminiscing of the past and the better days, this mostly applies to pop culture but also sometimes to personal experiences. however, he simply denies the existence of the future and refuses to think about it even if deep down he knows he should. 

IV. HEADCANONS

he was named after his mom’s favorite actors, burt lancaster and gregory peck.

speaks broken italian and this is because while his mother was at work he was babysat by their italian neighbor whom he used to call nonna. 

for his seventh birthday, his mother gave him a guitar as he used to be obsessed with elvis. 

his step-father got him a 1964 turquoise chevy truck (which he still drives) for his 16th birthday which he paid him back in a year.

first concert was the 1966 american tour of the rolling stones. the last concert he went was fleetwood mac’s rumours tour in philadelphia before he moved back to los angeles.

as a teen some of the posters that were around his bedroom were: a barbarella one, jane fonda, james dean, one of the film le mans. as you can see growing up his celebrity crush was jane fonda but currently it’s probably farrah fawcett which is not original at all as everyone does. 

only attended ucla because he read that james dean did as well.

V. EXTRAS

pinterest

playlist

Borderline Personality Disorder: pt.1

BPD: A mental disorder characterized by unstable mood, behavior and relationships.

In June 2022, I was diagnosed with BPD. I was 26 years old, feeling like I had had a moment of clarity. Finally, some understanding to the burning inside of me. The void of emptiness.

BPD can develop from trauma.

Growing up, my nervous system has been in fight or flight. I actually don't think I can ever remember a time when it wasn't. Mother and Father, screaming at each other, for hours on end. Money, me...those were the problems. Sometimes, I would get scared something bad would happen. Like my father would try to hurt my mother, or vise versa. Sometimes, I would get in the middle. Making my mother and father hate me more. But I have always been the type to stand up for anyone.

My older brother spent most days, shut up in his room, crying, over the daily fear we experienced. I would also cry in my room, but at least I had my Barbie dolls.

Barbie dolls were soon replaced with black clothes and MCR cd's.

My mother and my brother were my first bullies. I was born premature, shoved in an incubator, with only female nurses to hug and kiss me for 6 weeks. No wonder why I'm attracted to women.

The doctors said I had separation anxiety, I was literally born terrified. Nothing has changed. My attachment style was never secure. My mother focused more on my brother, as he was perfect in her eyes compared to me. I wanted her love and attention, but all she'd do is call me a shrill shrew. My brother would chime in "yeah, you are"! I felt completely alone.

I didn't understand, why when I was sad or upset, my mother would put me in my room for a "time out". I would peek out my bedroom door, peering down in the living room. My mother, brother and father were downstairs together. Mother and Brother cuddling, all eating dinner and watching a movie together.

They seemed happier without me, and I didn't understand why I couldn't be a part of family time. What was wrong with me? What did I do? Why don't they love me, or miss me? Why don't I get to eat, too? Am I a bad girl?

Honestly, they were probably used to their routine. The routine where I don't exist. The one where I had been in the hospital for 6 weeks. Growing lonely. Feeling abandoned. It also hurt that they could abandon me; as if I was see through, a ghost whom never existed.

Naps always scared me as child. I was afraid I'd go to sleep, my family would me gone; baby left again, but not just in the incubator. In every sense.

When I was very young, my father would garden with me, and every summer, we'd pick blueberries, raspberries, black berries and Strawberries. The irony is that those are my favorite fruits. Huh.

My mother would get angry at me and my father for spending time together. I'm not sure if she was jealous that I loved him more. Or if she was jealous that he loved me more.

There were things going on in the dark, though. Things that broke me, things that seeped back into my memories; denial, even though deep down, I knew the truth.

Maybe my father did love me more....but what is a father's love, exactly?

I feel that the adults perhaps were in cahoots.

Once I reached a certain age, about 11 years old, my father didn't love me anymore. I remember when he screamed at me, saying one day I'd end up like all the young celebrities of the early 2000's; a whore with no future, other than maybe making a sex tape. Because being a slut was all I was good at. I didn't understand at the time what any of that meant.

It was still, after all, the age where I was young enough to still be wearing Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen training bras, back when they had their own clothing line for girls at Walmart.

My mother took off with that notion, and used it for her own, sick entertainment. Growing up, I went to a school that was k-12th grade. All those age groups, in one, tiny church being used as a school. By eleven, I was thin, pretty. I had told my mother about the high school boys who were saying things about me being pretty. She saw this as an opportunity.

For the next years of my precious childhood, she convinced me that I should lie to these boys and tell them I was 13. Whenever any 16-year-old would ask to date me, I would tell my mother. As she brainwashed me into telling her everything. She would tell me to say yes to them. I did, she said it was okay because I "look older", or that I "look like a college student" and that "no one of any age can resist me".

Eventually, these boys would find out I was 11, not 13. They'd break up with me, abandoning me. I didn't understand why, my mom told me I was old enough to date them, that "age is just a number"; just as long as I show/tell her all the dirty details. I cried to her, and asked why they didn't like me. She would say things, like:

"Maybe it's because you don't put out". "Maybe it is because they like brunettes and not blondes". "Maybe they think you're too chunky.". "Maybe they think you're too skinny". "Or maybe, they just think you're not sexy enough.

This was also the Myspace era. All of my older friends had a profile, so my mom said I could make one, as long as I'd show her what I was doing. I didn't understand what social media was; that it was supposed to be an expression of individuality and freedom.

My mother filled out all my profile info, telling me she knows more about me than I know about myself. I still wanted a little sense of independence though, as I was always a good noodle. I wrote down my log in info, and kept it secret in my Twilight music box.

My mother found it, used it, and screamed at me, when I caught her. She was catfishing boys on my profile. She screamed about how she thinks I'm hiding things from her, and that I'm making her feel like a bad mother, for just "doing her job". She proceeded to scream that I was an ungrateful brat. Then she ignored me for 5 days straight. As if I was a ghost who never existed, not even allowed to eat. Starvation became my punishments. Years later, it would become my comfort and only friend.

I remember the time, she made me talk to this older, bad boy at school on Myspace. My mom was convinced that he was in love with me. She told me to send a message that said: "Decode this! : IWYTBMBFRN". I didn't know what that meant. He replied "no thanks". Later, I learned to decode those letters, meaning: "I want you to be my boyfriend right now". I felt so embarrassed, especially by the rejection and shame of doing something that I didn't want to do.

When I cried to my mother, she laughed and told me all the high school boys couldn't resist me, and if I wore a black mini skirt and fishnets to school tomorrow, that I'd have plenty older men/boys, "drooling" and "foaming at the mouth over me.

I never even knew how wrong these things were. She'd even write all my Myspace blogs, mooning over all the older boys I'd lost; hoping they'll read it, and be so impressed by her daughter, that they'd come back, drooling enough to cause permeant dehydration.

It was around this age, that my depression hit hard. It never went away, it just kept being added to.

When I was in 8th grade, actually 13 at this time, an older boy showed me his wiener for the first time. He even sent me pictures, which my mother excitedly made me show her and said, "look at that hotdog"!

When that same boy said he wanted to go to 3rd base, my mom said "let him". I did in the upstairs of the church, the feeling of the sharp nails penetrating. Suddenly this familar feeling, put me back to my uncomfortable early years. But why? How? I knew somewhere deep down, but I denied and hid it away back then.

When that boy didn't like my pubic hair, my mom bought me razors and nair. When that boy said he wanted me to give him a BJ, my mom said "do it"!, and bought me a strawberry flavored condom. After, when the boy said he wanted to have sex, she went and bought me a big vibrator, to "stretch me out". She'd tell me to go into my bedroom and use it and tell her how it went. I told her that it hurt and didn't fit. She told me to try harder. I didn't, so she hid the big vibartor under her bed and got angry at me for her "wasting money" on something I "won't even use".

Lesser offences, like the time she tried to kiss me when I was 10. Just to see "what the boys get to feel and experience". Or when she'd read my diary, being angry for my sad poetry and drawings. She'd scream at me that I was hiding things from her. In reality, I hid nothing; when I would have been safer if I should have.

*To Be Continued*