#and yes i am still questioning if i have other disorders as well
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♤Another astrological observations♤
Ps: i am still learning and astrology is a forever learning subject. It may or may not be relatable. :)
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•° solar return observations °•
Solar return 7th house- the sign in your 7th house of your solar return will probably be the one to backbitch/backstab you👀. For eg- having Sagittarius descendant, people with sag sun or prominent sag placements are likely going to do you very wrong. 😊🪰
SR Uranus in 1st- an apparent change in the appearance of the individual. Dying their hair, a haircut, change in the makeup looks, joining the gym, having skincare routine, etc.🦄😋
SR Jupiter in the 12th- spiritual enlightenment🧞♂️. Could be the time youre very sensitive to the energies of the people. Seeing spirits frequently👻. (Hack- wear black tourmaline for the shield against negative energies). This is the time when everything will be clear to you, the intentions of the people, their traits, their habits, their trauma🤠 (your's aswell).👽
SR moon in the 6th- sensitive to other people's words, their criticism, etc. Take care of your health at this time please. Eating disorder. Very moody. Might eat spicy food alot. 🥲
SR neptune in the 11th- the friends, peers, acquaintances you have, you'll be getting to know about them more clearly👀 in negative way ofcourse, Alot of deceiving, lying, manipulation, taking behind your back, cheating, blah blah blah.😗🪓🩸
SR Saturn in the 11th- yes you ARE GOING TO LOSE FRIENDS, even the closest friend you have🙃. I honestly LOVE Saturn whatever house it's in because it fucking slaps you so hard that you begin to see everyfuckingthing very clearly🤪😶🌫️. Its going to be hard for you but dont worry youre better of with little to no friends than lying poopies.💩💝
SR venus in the 1st- you're going to be every 2nd person's crush, like literally fr. You're guna appear more ethereal and soft to the other person, maybe innocent too which will make the other person wAnT tO pRoTeCt YoU aT aLL cOsT🥺 because to them you're vulnerable to the world😐😐😐😐.
SR mars in the 3rd- alot of fights with your siblings/ cousins/ childhood friends. Way of communication may be direct, more straight forward, could even be a little cruel ehe🤭. Probably guna put people in their fucking place. Humbling down people alot.💅
SR aquarius ascendant- very detached from the emotions. Its like giving yourself 5 minutes to feel everything then after that, stop feeling completely until the next year. ORRR.... you could be in your feelings for the 1st or last 6 months then the rest of the year? Nonchalant🧘(could be opposite).Your mood for the year: 'eehh'😐 'Okhay'😐 'Yeah'😐 'Mhm'😐 'No'😐 'Don't'😐 'Shut up'😐 'Can you leave me alone'😐 'Youre so annoying'😐 'Can you stop'😐 'Omg youre a fucking fe/male'😐. Might be the year you'll question your sexuality.
SR lilith in the 4th- watch your closest ones/ own family turn against you just cuz you stood up against their negativity and manipulation. Oof!! 😍😍😍THE BEST YEAR EVERRR!!!🥳🤯💋 Sarcasm intented. Theyre going to spread false rumors about you. Play victim card in the situations they create. Its like creating a problem for you to solve.🧍🏻♀️🧍♂️🗣
SR venus in the 5th- will attract ALOT of love interests👀🔥🧲 but since its a 5th house, it wont be long lasting. For girls: this placement can make guys crazily obsessed with you for monthsss beware as they can note down your every move (3 of my friends had this and the guys ended up following them home, it was scary). For guys: this can make girls want to be with you just bcz everyone wants you, youre the center of everyone's attention (cheating could be involved too👀)
SR Sun/mars/pluto in the 6th- take care of your health because; sun: can make you vulnerable to the evil eyes which could lead you to falling sick frequently🪰🧿. Mars: your anger, impulsiveness, all the othet martian feelings, can make you sick as well, so beware of your surroundings and your mental health🎭. Pluto: the jealousy with this can turn physical real quick✂️. And all three: JUST. TAKE. CARE. 😀 🫠
SR moon in the 7th- sweeeeettttt cravings will ⬆️⬆️. Feeling very joyful for no reason🌞. Feeling 'Butterfly in the stomach' frequently🦋. Lovesick🐕🦺.
SR mercury in the 5th- you could hear from a friend that a lot of "certain someone's" like you😊. Love to talk about your interests and hobbies. Involvement in frequent get-togethers, random friends meet💁🏻♀️.
SR saturn in the 8th- might deal with your own fears. Could be a triggering year for you🧘.
SR nn in the 9th/12th- frequent travels🗺. Might overthink alot about the world and the life (a lot of what's, why's, who's, how's, etc).
Wherever SR Jupiter is, you're expanding that. Like for eg- 5th house: your interests, might pursue your hobbies, or if you already are, lets say an artist, youll expand your art, the type of drawings you make. 2nd house: your business. Money. Self esteem. Confidence. 11th house: your friend circle, electronics, etc.
SR saturn/neptune in the 8th- out of nowhere setbacks, betrayal, cheating, etc are possible. BUT you WILL receive a news about CERTAIN SOMEONE which will make you question them🤫. Or youll get to know some f-ed up family secrets😗.
SR Scorpio ascendant- watch people getting intimated💁🏻♀️. You're guna hear rumorssss about youuu👀🤫. Random guys/girls approaching you with the intention of "hUmBLiNg YoU dOwN" 🗣💩 (ykwim).
SR venus in the 7th- randomly, out of nowhere, falling for someone veryyyy haaarrrdd🕳🚶🏻♀️.This usually happens within 3-5 months after your birthday.
Whereas... 😗
SR neptune/saturn in the 7th- showing you why you shouldn't have😊. (If i were you i wouldn't give them a 2nd chance, many people don't deserve it🧘. Pay attention if its their "traits" or "company" either way, you shouldn't forgive them because "traits" are self explanatory, they wont ever change, and if its the "company" affecting them then its guna be tiring for you and trust me you wouldn't want a person who is gullible🧍🏻♀️).
SR Uranus anywhere- sudden. Anything sudden. For the better or the worse🎭. Out of nowhere. Unexpected👀. The ex you didn't see? Here s/he comes💩. Job offer🌞. Oldest friend contacting you🏌♂️.realization about career path. Your personality, your looks. Family dynamics. Home, etc.
SR lilith/neptune in the 1st/5th/7th/8th/10th/11th- people be copying youuuu i seeee👀. Your secret enemies wanting to be you👀. Copying your style, outfit, skincare. Haircare, haircut, your hobbies, even your career path🤾♀️. Amd they'll still have the audacity to TELL YOU how you should be doing *insert what you're good at* 🧍🏻♀️🧍♂️like?????. Jealousy runs deeeppp 😶🌫️.
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Thank you for reading :) <3
#astrology observations#astro notes#astro community#astro placements#astrology placements#solar return#solar return observations#astrology notes
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please please share your vox neurodivergent headcanons
*smacks the top of his head* this bad boy can fit SO many problems and disorders in him.
but before we start i do want to say i am saying this all as personal headcanons as someone with my own laundry list of issues. Okay lets go:
HEAVYYYYY on Autism. Has a VERY strict routine he sticks to and gets sooo fucking irritated when it gets interrupted. The only except is if its a Vee and its something Important to them (he still gets petty about it though). It mostly revolves around work.
He's extremely sensory seeking, and constantly fidgetting and stimming. He paces. A LOT.
Vox is very touchy to friends but will kill a stranger for bumping into him. Constantly touching Val's fluff and Velvette's nicer-feeling clothes.
LOVES compression . Makes Val lay on him all the time. He's like a personal weighted blanket. His body being partially mechanical makes his under-sensitive to stimuli. Hard for him to really process pain and managing it.
VERY opinionated and vindictive about his thoughts and takes. Takes it very personal if you disagree and will try SO hard to yell at you to see how he's right.
The Vees are constantly getting in debates that concern anyone around them but they all love it. They all fucking love arguing.
Special Interest in technology (new AND old), movies and shows (constantly rewatching classics), and biology. Does not let anyone get a SINGLE word in unless its questions when he's infodumping.
Probably has ADHD too. Talkative as shit when he feels hyperactive. Has such a strict routine with himself because he knows if he doesn't stick to it he WILL go insane and become a bit of a #disaster.
Medicated? Yes!!!! Remembers to take his medication? Also yes but ONLY because he's set so many alarms and reminds for himself.
He Has So Many Alarms For Everything. It drives the other Vees insane how his phone seems to go off every. other. fucking. minute.
Hard to keep Vox's attention on things and is constantly cycling through content like his life depends on it. Always has SOMETHING playing near him unless he's really overwhelmed from the day.
It doesn't take a whole lot to make him go nonverbal, usually plays captions on his face or has a speech assistant on his phone that sounds like him.
This bitch is SOOO Bipolar coded though. He's disinterested in a lot of life and usually in a depressive swing. His swings of mania are VERY bad and chaotic though (Stayed Gone is such a good mania portrayal . TO ME).
Alastor very much triggers his mania and psychosis probably before their split and very CLEARLY afterwards.
Also probably on the schizospectrum. Probably Schizoaffective?
Hallucinates when he's having mania swings and psychotic symptoms. Has some pretty bad delusions too about his power and status and definitely had them BEFORE he was an overlord. has delusions about his relationships too. (probably did NOT help when he and Al were on good terms. probably played a role in their split)
Also his glitches feel like tics to me and its important i say that or ill explode. He masks them pretty well in public and has gotten used to playing them off. But the Vees have gotten used to him accidentlly smackign them while ticcing.
okay i think thats it for now. hope you enjoyed my rambles :0 !
#i like him a normal amount#hes just SO full of problems and issues#I could also see him having bpd but this list is long enough#but these are just silly little headcanons dont take them too seriously#vox#vox hazbin hotel#hazbin vox#hazbin hotel#hazbin headcanons#headcanons#ask#hazbin valentino#hazbin velvette#hazbin alastor#mentioned so i wanted to tag them
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Heroin addiction hello,
this is me my name is heroin, I am more expensive than gold, but you will pay more for me. I’m like a diamond you want me you you wanna wear me you wanna wear me all over your body you wanna be me you wanna be inside my body, you want me to take the pain away like a hug like a hug used to do like a kiss like being in love used to, my name is Cherry and I’m a heroin addict I’m not some 12 stepper I kind of wish I was so I kind of wish I didn’t get the vibe that it was a cult , but maybe it is but who said all Colts are bad well this person right here was see. I’m also autistic I have a strong time of the past, I’ll tell you what this addiction has taken everything away from me. Let’s go back and let’s go back to 10 years ago. Roughly let’s go to the 3rd of December 2012 when I met this man who to this day, I can’t get out of my head see this man🕰️ introduced me to this awful awful thing, but at the same time he kept me away distance control. Yes I get it on the first night I met this man me off my feet. I was telling him about my situation ship and he was very compassionate. He was very understanding and it sort of Started there and went on the next five years, I was hooked line and sinker .
So the first night I met this man he was with my friend I met with, and I can still tell you everything about it that night it had to be one of the best nights of my life as I sit here now with tears in my eyes, five years later, I remembering things when I write, I wanted to be writer when I write I want to I remember And I started my life story again I’ve been with him for awhile see you inspired me be a bad person being with me and made me wanna be better and we had this little secret but let’s go back to the question because I’m very good at track no drugs happened it was just drinking Maybe smoking weed because I did back then but I was just talking it was like talking to someone I’d know my whole life and when you’re autistic this doesn’t happen often I hadn’t been diagnosed then but he had both bonded over the fact that we both had personality disorders and that we didn’t fit into society boxes, but now as I see it, I see it. I do but This man had a complete control over me. He had literally just had a baby with somebody who he’d been with for 10 years. He told me it was over, but yet they just had a baby a month prior premature, I didn’t want to take this woman’s man I didn’t want to take away this father, so I said don’t chase me, so on the days that he saw his child up at the hospital still, he would come back really quickly like he hadn’t even been there at all. I know that he had a premature baby. Yes I do I don’t know the whole truth of it I never will Until years though, when I spoke to his ex and I still don’t know the whole truth and why the fuck should she have to tell me anyway but all night he painted her is a villain same as I did with my ex yes as a personality disorder, everyone else is a bad guy You never the bad guy until it all comes tumbling down and you hate yourself and you wanna cut yourself or burn yourself so I trigger on this post but I have to say this I have to be honest with myself I must’ve liked it the fact that my family my family was born into because I don’t have kids that’s another sad part of this story is, I can’t Maybe it’s sick but there you go. They treat this man as an outcast just as much as I treated me as an outcast. I feel he wasn’t allowed to my sisters birthday party even though my sister was married to a literal word rapist still in prison for it now, and all the other sick things he did And my ex or right through this, of course I’ve noticed can also see crazy people who are crazy can always see crazy and others. Neurotypical are very selfish people. The first time I met him. He didn’t use her when he told me about it. apparently he told me about it and anyway I told him not to choose me over his child. Anyway he did we were texting all the time I was texting him. He was writing me love i never had this in my entire life. He literally swept me off my feet and the good thing that happened at the beginning of our relationship was that I went away for a week two days after we met Which made me want him more and vice versa now he probably did stuff I’ve heard he might of he’s married now to this girl. He slagged off for years and shagged. The sister who is 17 when we were together together what we broke up we didn’t properly broke up, but we broke up This is where the comes in we’re living in accommodated living for people who are not very well addicts mentally ill and so on. Anyway, many of the nights I would sneak into his room through the window or he sneak into mine and would lie bad faith, even if there was cameras. Oh he hasn’t asked your random stuff like this and I’ll be like it has. I’ve gone to bed, and obviously it was the most exciting time of my life. I was 23 years 22 years old and absolutely in love. Yes I know they got married at the age of 17 but it wasn’t part. Of course it was in my res autistic and everything was always more dramatic. The next time I’m bigger and better also I thought crazy so we end up getting kicked out of this facility I live there for a year I hadn’t really stayed there. I’d stayed in my mum, still even though she di
So things got out of hand that I’ve got made homeless I’m looking back now I thought it was so unfair and at the time I thought it was unfair. People who got made homeless shouldn’t have got made home as really people who this is all they had and the man I’m with now With living in the shed house with my ex there is four of the houses two of them staffed two of them not! so my partner was in a house without staff and then got put into the room next to me in the staff house which I was in me and my partner and I said maybe it was a distraction from my ex and his past, I will never know the full extent of.
So heroin heroin you ask how did it come into it well slowly that’s what I’ll say slowly he came back one day in a really really bad mood. This is before we got kicked out and started smoking on the bed. I’ve never been a situation I’ve been around hard before and it made me very uncomfortable, especially because I hadn’t touched them so I felt embarrassed and obliged this time I didn’t. I felt safe I felt safe with him. I just did so here it goes we move out and by this point before I go with him I will say I was addicted to sleeping pills on and off and opiates pill, but only pills so I sort of being there, but I wasn’t in the world of dealers drug addicts, horrible people debt, losing friends, and emotionally and because of the addiction. No nothing was that bad yet was destined for this maybe probably who knows I don’t I don’t even know so I will never forget the day I did it because it made life, so like it made sense for the first time in my life. It just made sense everything fit into place. Everything was like this is what it’s meant to be and this is how I should feel it wasn’t overwhelming how I thought it was meant to be, and this is how it traps you guys so don’t do it, it just felt like I had found the key to a door that had been locked 22 years and I had found that key. Obviously not a drug use. very narcissistic you really don’t think it’s gonna be you you just don’t you don’t think it’s going to be you in 1 million years even when you told me all these things via my ex when he told me this is what it’s like. I’m depressed now I can’t feel without it sex drive it fuck it fuck the way you connect with people you lose that connection and when you’re autistic anyway that is hard to have by the beginning it makes that all possible it makes you have emotion it makes you connect it makes you feel like you are invincible, and I always thought the word heroine became from the hero within, it kind of makes sense, wouldn’t it.
So the first time I used it, I smoked it we were living in one of his friends house in the spare bedroom that was freezing cold and the guy was addicted to it. The wife wasn’t they had two children. They had three children but the two children were in the room next to the dad, who is addicted really bad day and ill And this was the first place I used it they thought I was just normal. They didn’t think I touched so when I asked to try it one time when I got kicked off Valium which as you know it’s not very good I’ve got put on after a bad experience. Grape grape by my ex, and it was a short term thing, but I felt awful and I was hallucinating and I was in a really weird way and I also still appealed from my other exes house which led me to be really drooling and off my head and not remembering things in this house anyway, so that’s where I first tried it and for that year when we were living from house to house of people and Sophie spare rooms whatever, was the most exciting time of my life. It was an adventure that I’ve never been in. It was some kind of life experience that I needed for that time, but it led to this really scary time that I live in now so would I take it back? I’m not too sure i’ll lose all these memories, but then I won’t be attached to it so much either. Yeah I’d probably take it because the people I know now I really don’t wanna know I’m telling you something, there’s a lot of really dodgy men in this world who will try and proposition you for sex for money or they will try and do things to you the amount of times I’ve had men do things to me that dodgy sexually, I can’t even fathom it’s very sad, no one should have to go through that. made me feel so protected from the heroin all of it the relationship with that felt amazing, We lived from moment to moment we bonded so deeply our moon 🌙 signs very compatible. we shared everything let’s say so in the five years 2 1/2 of them are good 2 1/2 of them really bad but let’s say this was really severe case of grooming two that felt good though it felt really good because it came with the drugs and it came with the reward system that your brain creates of Doberman, but after a while your break your brain needs a pleasure and reward centre to survive. It’s like breathing it felt amazing. I felt so good every time I felt so good he he controlled my habits so I didn’t get too bad so I would get high probably off. Let’s say £10 worthb or £20 worth a day, maybe less let’s say less.
Eventually, my family obviously found out because I’m a very honest person and I like why did you say that I’ve noticed addicts are very dishonest people, scum of the Earth and I can’t stand them and they can’t stand me either. They do not like me and I think my ex knew this about them that they wouldn’t like me because he did all the messaging and calls to these people I didn’t know these people were so uptight about a text message, but they are absolutely ridiculous, I wasn’t used to this level of paranoia unless it was in your mind none of these people give a shit about you. I’m talking as 33-year-old me now and not 22-year-old man. It’s been over 10 years can you believe it because I can I mean it could be another lifetime ago and it could be yesterday 22-year-old didn’t know about this. Didn’t know this rule it’s uptight don’t do that and I honestly I hate these people honestly I’m miserable it’s not good for me I’m constantly sad,😔 yeah I mean the end of last year I going to join this astrology course and I have a teacher now at this woman I listen to for years on YouTube who I love I love her way of teaching listening to her on YouTube she was so good at going into it all. I looked up with Darkside zodiac and I found her but anyway I’m gonna tell her I lost friends in my opinion, so basically when I was younger, I was a bit of a goody-goody so that transition into hard-core addict who thought she was Courtney Love and Kurt Cobain with her boyfriend was obviously a massive shock to my friends and family I’m guessing constantly asking for money this day,
They didn’t realise this world opened up, a whole box of things that made me feel better, but a whole shit load of a basement full of crap that came with it. They won’t so yeah, I was a goody goody I didn’t really drink. I didn’t do this I didn’t do that, but I was fun. I was a happy shy girl And I would join in and have a laugh with my friends we would get the stone high part when I used to bring school in into school my sister’s part into my friend and he smoked I didn’t even smoke. Then I didn’t even feel the pressure to smoke. So yeah this was a massive personality change I guess so I always went from group group I was always a bit of a drifter.! point of sticking a needle in my arm, I wasn’t bad in fact I was the opposite of a bad arse you could say but as he has went on things happened and you meet people, my best friend who I be my best friend from the age of 10 made her be my best friend until she agreed. She was my best friend from me from me, her being sick of me, trying to ask it probably so I made my first love through her years later 18 years old and he was just schizophrenic and I even got warned off him which was probably the right idea cause this is where my first mental break happened a few years after that so this is why is slowly threatened to do law, and my personality was really changing, and I guess it was very scary for the people around me, so I’d have relationships with people friends whatever, but it always felt forced with this man. It never felt forced. It felt natural, and he would convince me that these people wanted to hurt me, or they weren’t good enough for me or they for I wasn’t good enough for them. He was very clever very very very clever he had me believing all of this shit and so it still this day is in and I can’t get rid of and I think anyone who’s been in a abusive relationship will feel this.
I have put a lot of pressure on my family. I feel like I am loving girl but I don’t have a family like the rest of them all my sisters have children. My brother is happy in a relationship. He is with someone for 11 years and he was very very happy even though he’s my older brother he sometimes feels like my younger brother because he’s so more innocent and I was innocent like he was too Very similar. In fact he was more of a rebel than I was saying I think I wanted to rebel so badly because I never had the opportunity. I mean the first guy I slept with gave me herpes if you want to talk about bad luck, but I thought it was a bad ass then because I was going out of a guy from Bangladesh who was a Muslim who had a restaurant well he didn’t have the restaurant who I was fucking in his restaurant And I thought I was cool. I was getting free curries and then I went to the next shop up the road and it was a Turkish guy who had a gorgeous green eyes. I was obsessed with being in love and not with English man. I thought English men were trash they never fancied me in school. I never had boyfriends, and I lost my virginity at 16.
 so my friends now anyway, who I lost I’ve tried to bring back into my life but they’re not perfect either. I’m not saying they’re perfect but they weren’t drug Alex and we weren’t into people like that. They don’t know anything about people like that when I tell them about the things that have been degraded too, I’m in the last three years I didn’t leave my house because of a sexual assault kind of thing again And it’s very very scary so they couldn’t understand it or comprehend. They didn’t know why I was agitated. They didn’t know why I couldn’t meet up with them till sad times. They didn’t know why I didn’t pick up my phone they didn’t know why I called them at weird hours they didn’t understand it they didn’t understand why I wanted money they didn’t understand why I didn’t have this. They didn’t understand the people that knew I get it. I wish I didn’t even guys They see it though they see what happened, but then I did have one very abusive friend who is a Gemini and she would send me essays with you sometimes and this was before I got with Matt! she could still be very nasty I mean when I got her, she was like really rude about that and telling people I mean what kind of friend does that anyway so she comes and stay with me after a few years of me being with him and we have a nice time. Kind of have a good time, I’m still happy because I’m with him well I think I am anyway she comes down with fake note she was like can you use it cause she knew the olive. It was a bit backwards compared London I was like yeah probably be fine anyway one day we walked into town and I call her from upstairs from my exes flat and she looks horrified on that. Oh God here we go and she looked up annoyed anyway she’s there and a few days later, she’s all happy happy all on her phone and a good mood God. I wish I felt like her with making weed and I was being very paranoid and that’s when I stopped because I’d started smoking crack at this point because my ex couldn’t do heroin any more fuck from injecting and I hated cocaine. I just did it because he did it and he wanted me to owe him money. A lot of these drug addicts Connell is too so you owe the money I offend this. Well I’m too good for it and I know I’m so good for it and I wanna meet the other people who are not like this who are not con artists ! so she is high and she’s like don’t you feel so amazing I didn’t but I pretended yeah for great anyway she doodled all over this night and then she goes he go you can have it as she left to go home. I was like cheers can’t use it for shit now but thanks 🧑🎨.
Chapter 1
#twin flame#leo and pisces#astro observations#astro placements#astro community#astrology#astrology observations#astro notes#astroblr#fypage#pisces#leo#love story#i love him#scorpio south node#leo south node#cancer moon#Scorpio moon#narcissistic personality disorder#anti social personality disorder#adult autism#actually bpd
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Advice I would give for systems/people with DID/OSDD questioning or diagnosed
Please understand that my posts are about DID and OSDD only. They do not include endogenic plurality, but anyone is welcome to reblog this and interact. Just please don't make this post about endogenic plurality when it is not, thank you!
Obligatory disclaimer that I am in no way a professional, should not be treated as such, and please don't take this post as a means to diagnose. Also I mostly say DID in this, but these extend to OSDD as well.
Yes, faking really is a conscious choice. It really ISN'T possible to fake unconsciously or without realizing it. People say this all the time, but I feel like a lot of people with DID struggle to comprehend that BECAUSE DID often DOES feel like you are unconsciously faking something - feelings, thoughts, changes in personality, etc. If you are wondering if you're faking without realizing it, think about it this way instead: "why am I thinking this/feeling this/acting this way?" If you struggle to come up with an answer to these questions, or if the answer isn't "I'm consciously, knowingly faking", then it's not likely that you're faking.
If you've been questioning if you have DID for a very long time now, it's probably not very likely that you're a singlet. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that if you've been questioning for many years that you definitely have it, but in my opinion (keep in mind this is an opinion), if you didn't have DID, you likely would have figured that out sooner rather than later. If you've been questioning for a very long time now (and are not yet diagnosed), a few years or longer, there's probably a good reason why you haven't been able to come up with a definitive answer. Do you feel that you wouldn't be able to accept it if a professional told you that you don't have DID - regardless of whether or not they are correct? If the answer is "no" or "I'm not sure" or anything along those lines, it might be worth evaluating why you might feel that way. Could it be because you do you have DID? Or something else? Of course there are exceptions, but just something to think about.
If people are noticing your symptoms, especially when you aren't noticing them, that is proof enough that your experiences are not simply your imagination or you faking. If people aren't noticing your symptoms, that doesn't mean they aren't happening or that they're any less valid, but even if that were the case, people might still notice that you're "moody"/"emotional" or that you're forgetful, and those are still observable symptoms, even if not exclusive to DID.
Don't try to make your experiences into something they are not. A lot of systems online might express themselves and their alters in "overt" ways online, with different names and different pronouns, likes, dislikes, hobbies, etc., and this presentation of DID is valid, and it's also not like what they show you online. Regardless, I, and I'm sure others, have been guilty of trying to force ourselves to fit into the online expectations of systems, and feel incredibly fake and invalid when we don't have that presentation or experience. Your experience is your experience alone, and you can't make yourself have an experience that you do not have.
You can feel, identify as, and present yourself as a single person, and still have DID. DID is a dissociative disorder and you can have evidence/"proof" that you have 'alters'/'parts' that come with DID without your alters necessarily identifying as or even feeling like separate parts. After all, most (not everyone, but most) people who get diagnosed with DID in their late 30s-40s went their entire life, if not most of their life, "being one person". You don't have to identify as, feel, or present yourself as "plural" to know you have DID. There can be evidence of alters existing without you knowing them, without them knowing, and without anyone else knowing as well. When people say "DID is more than just an alter disorder", this is what we mean! We mean that you can experience the symptoms of DID, symptoms that point towards the existence of your alters, without necessarily knowing about those alters, without necessarily having any differences in names or pronouns or hobbies, without those alters knowing it either. Other systems say it all the time, but alters can be differentiated by things that aren't just "this alter uses a different name and set of pronouns than this alter." It's okay if your alters differentiate in other ways, but not in the ways that people typically think of when they think about the differences between alters. Sometimes the only way you know an alter is there is because the food you're eating tasted completely different the day before, or the way they type is different from how you normally type, or because of a different perspective on life.
Try to focus on your experiences instead of trying to see if you experience what other people experience. The way my DID presents itself is more just a cluster of the symptoms of DID, rather than overt changes in personality that people think of. Most of my DID manifests as the symptoms rather than the "alters" and evidence of switching, such as a sudden overt and distinct change in mood or distinct differences in body language or ways of talking. And this is the way my DID manifests and I should focus on these experiences instead of trying to force myself to have the "overt" experiences that people show online. And I really recommend other people to do the same! Don't try to fit yourself into a box just to feel valid!
Use the language you feel comfortable using for yourself and your alters, you don't have to conform to using the language that is expected of systems online. If you call your alters parts, identities, personalities, people, whatever. As long as it's not harmful to you or others, use the language that you feel comfortable using. Again, you do not need to conform to fit in with the expectations of systems online.
"I feel like I'm the only system that doesn't have overt, distinct alters with all these different names and pronouns and hobbies-" I know that everyone says it, but you AREN'T! You are a part of a silent majority of cases! Everybody says how DID/OSDD is a covert disorder and how most people are not overt with highly different parts, but we really aren't kidding when we say that. If you are a system that doesn't sign off with your alter names, or have different names and pronouns and hobbies, likes, dislikes, and different identities and whatnot, you are a part of a majority of cases of DID, you are not an exception to a rule. And also the people who do present their DID in this "overt" way are still not as "overt" as they might seem. I promise you that the systems you see online with all these alters listed with different typing quirks and names are not a majority and they are not as "overt" as they look online, not in most cases. And even the people with the most overt alters, who are so different that they have different voices and say "we" all the time in person, go completely unnoticed.
You having DID symptoms/experiences is proof that you have early childhood trauma. If you have the symptoms, that is indicative of that trauma, regardless of if you remember that trauma or not. Similarly, yes, your trauma was "bad enough." If it doesn't feel bad enough, then the DID is doing its job. If it feels fake or imaginary, the DID is doing its job. (But if it doesn't feel those ways, that still doesn't mean you don't have DID!). None of this is a bad thing, but my point is, trying to figure out if your experiences were "bad enough" is a pointless task because no matter what your experiences are, none of it will ever feel "bad enough" because that is what DID does. The people who went through the "most horrific, unimaginable stuff" are also in denial of their experiences, and also feel that their experiences aren't that bad. And oftentimes you ARE that person to other people - oftentimes you ARE that person who has gone through "horrifically unimaginable stuff", it just doesn't feel that way because of the DID.
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the way nat is treated is sooo sad and predictable. she doesn't always (present day) handle things well, but...with an upbringing like this? and good on her for pouring the liquor down the drain and bringing paper towels
"oh you're gonna make sprite?" "yeah, i'm gonna make sprite" that's carmy in a nutshell. push on a wall, it becomes a bridge.
"holding everything in and then letting it out inappropriately" you've reduced the bear to its most basic components!
he made sprite! something from nearly nothing, that's carmy. and no one even thanks him to his face. he didn't have to do it, he was doing 6 other things at once, and he still made sprite for someone who was having a hard time
also richie's ex wife reminds me strongly of mrs. berzatto. just saying.
"why isn't someone listening to me?" "i'm listening" "WHY IS NO ONE LISTENING TO ME" and this is mrs berzatto at a 4/5? we're gonna see her at a 6+ before long
i hate to armchair-diagnose, but there's pretty obviously a personality disorder present here in the Matriarch of the Berzatto clan. histrionic personality disorder is my immediate thought, but could be something else.
"no one's f//kin with you why would you think that?" gee i wonder.
"we ran into the love of your life" "i don't have a love of my life" 1) they're 100% talking about claire 2) carmy baby. you're so right you don't yet.
wow i hate mikey/richie right now. but! this adds a whole new dimension to carmy re: claire! because claire is tied to mikey, to what mikey 'wanted' for carmy, and that makes this whole thing come full circle, doesn't it?
"what did you do. what did you do." maybe christmas in copenhagen would have been a good idea.
carmy's absolute distaste for this whole 'conversation' (the glasses came off? the body is banging? really guys? you're being disgusting) is beautiful. carmy's got many, many vices and makes a lot of mistakes, but this is Not something he puts up with
"i don't understand why you would do this. why are you like this" oh carmy honey.
"i'm not in love with her, that's what i'm saying, where did you guys get that?"
THERE IT IS.
there's the reason for showing how carmy reacts when someone wants something from him, why the awful phone conversation with claire has her making him go from not wanting to give his number to saying "i want you to have my number". we have to see how carmy goes from saying no -- the truth -- to saying yes -- a lie -- after pressure is put on him. because this is where it starts.
claire represents what others want for carmy. normalcy, a chance -- his "only" chance -- to be with someone deemed societally Valuable. to not be an "other", to fit in, to have something "Good" that everyone thinks is good. carmy/claire is nauseating, but it's supposed to be. people spend so much time on screen telling us how Good claire is, when the show itself doesn't back it up. she's a figure of myth, a representation of the expectations others set on carmy and that he bows to, not a character. full stop.
and wow this is legitimately hard to watch. carmy attempts to set boundary, boundary is ignored. rinse, repeat.
they think carmy's in love with her -- this is a man in his, what, late 20s at this point? -- because he used to draw her in high school? the tenuous is getting more tenuous my Gosh.
"carm. this is a good thing." oh and no it really really isn't.
okay nice moment here for richie. does he think carmy is weird? yeah. does he still kinda brag about his sprite-making abilities? yeah
okay, ex wife is the worst. the boy makes you sprite b/c you don't feel good and there's none in the house and you ask why they'd 'punish' a nice girl like claire by hooking carmy up with her?
richie is adorable with his daughter and despite everything going wrong in his life (both his fault and not) is a really good dad ("do you think that she'll like us?" is such a soft question). i am really, really glad he's divorced. i want him to find happiness -- i don't know what that would look like for him just yet, but.
"we just have to not be like our parents" the other distillation of the bear!
richie trying to get a better job for his kid is really sweet. mikey telling the bill murray story in the background? hilarious
we're further breaking down the Mythos of Mikey -- he's introduced as a perfect, tragic figure, and we've spent a season and a half showing his foibles...which are Many.
#the bear#liveblogging#2X06#THIS EPISODE IS SO STRESSFUL#anti claire bear#kinda?? more pointing out that she's a Narrative Tool but#this episode is at an 8 for crazy already and something tells me we're gonna break the knob off past 10
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Fairytale
Series Warnings: Language, fake relationship, lying, drinking, major depressive disorder, mommy issues. Mentions of occasionally sexula interactions/ wording. Maybe eventual smut. Individual chapter warnings will appear as needed.
Masterlist | Previous Part | Next Part
Chapter 8: Wedding Shower
Everything was… well, it was almost perfect. You felt like it was missing something. Besides the food of course. Austin was on his way to go pick it up now. Everything was out, the decorations were on point… You just felt as if it wasn’t done. Maybe that was because it wouldn’t be perfect in your mother’s eyes. Mia would love it… your mother on the other hand.
“There’s my lil sister.” You turned towards the voice and saw your brother. A smile found its way onto your face. He was a few years older than Mia. About two years older in fact.
“Max,” you smiled and walked over to him. You two shared a quick hug before he quickly asked the burning question. He was the only other main family member that hasn’t met Austin yet. You knew he was most likely going to give him the brother talk.
The brother talk is, in your opinion, much worse than the dad talk. They tend to… well, how do you put it. Threaten them much more. Every boyfriend you ever had got the, “If you hurt her, I will kill you. That is a promise.’ Well, Maxwell hasn’t been arrested yet for murder! So, that’s a positive.
“So, where’s your boyfriend? I am dying to meet him.” Max held a playful smile. It was like he was hinting that you wouldn’t bring him. This might have been true, but Austin agreed to help. So, you didn’t have to go down that path.
“Oh, he’s just out picking up the food.” You answered with a smile.
“Still making up excuses I see,” he ruffled up your hair. You knew he was playing with you, but still, it hurt a bit.
“I’m serious,” you laughed gently and pushed away his hand. “He’s also getting ice for the drinks.”
“Mhm, we’ll see about that,” he teased you. You rolled your eyes and saw his wife, Kenzie. You smiled and made your way over to her with your hands out.
“Kenzziieee,” You said with a light squeal. Kenzie smiled at your sight and matched your energy.
“Y/n/nnnn.” She smiled. You pulled her into a tight hug, only to let out a gasp at the much bigger stomach. You pulled away and looked down at her rounded stomach.
“Oh my gosh! No way!” You exclaimed. You were going to be an aunt! Sure you knew this day would come eventually, but soon!?
“Yes way,” she smiled, “due in July.” She answered your unspoken question.
“Well, I promise you I will be here.” You told her with a smile. You didn’t know if by July your fake boyfriend would be real. You didn’t know if you were going to come clean beforehand. Nonetheless, you were going to be there for them.
“Well, they can’t wait to meet their cool aunt either.” She said as she rubbed her bump.
“Do you know the gender yet?” You asked as Max made his way to Kenzie. He wrapped his arm around her and kissed the side of her head.
“We could if we wanted, but we wanted to wait. Be surprised you know?” Max answered.
“A surprise, I like it.” You smiled. You continued to talk with Kenzie and Max. As time went by more and more people started to arrive. Family members, and friends of Mia and Nick.
You heard your phone going off and pulled it up to your face. You answered the call quickly once you saw Austin’s name.
“Hey, what’s up? You almost here?” You asked him.
“Yup, I’m down the road right now. Might be hard to find a parking space though.” He chuckled lightly.
“I told ya we should’ve put a chair to reserve your spot.” You rolled your eyes lightly and headed inside. “Not to mention, there are still more people to come.” You made your way to the front yard.
“I’ll pull round front okay? Help take the food in and find somewhere to park.” Austin explained to you.
“Okay, don’t be too long though, I think I see my aunt’s car. I do not want to be alone with her.” You said as you spotted her loud obnoxious blue Lincoln navigator.
“I’ll be there soon, don’t worry. Bye,” Austin reassured you.
“Bye,” you pulled your phone away and hung up. You slipped your phone back into its pocket and waited there for Austin. You were hoping and praying that when your aunt got out of her car… he would be pulling up. That way, you would be too busy to converse with her.
You tapped your foot against the driveway in anticipation. Well, it was more in nerves than anticipation. You were actually surprised your mother hasn’t pulled you to the side yet. Her opinion should not matter. It doesn’t matter in fact. All that matters is your sister’s and Nick’s opinion.
They were the bride and groom. Who cares if your mother doesn’t like it. She isn’t the person you threw this whole wedding party for. She had her wedding party years ago. She’ll probably use the, ‘I just want everything perfect for my sweet baby angel’. God, it made you gagged. If it wasn’t clear… Mia was her favorite. So, when Mia picked you as her maid of honor, your mother saw that as a pick fest.
If one thing went wrong and you made your sister cry. Well, you wouldn’t hear the end of it. Maybe your depression was because of your mother? The more you think about it… When you were younger and you would take Mia’s toys or steal some of her food… You would get punished. Screamed at even.
You shook your head and took in a deep breath. “Shove those feelings deep down, Y/n. Today is not about you.” You whispered to yourself. You smoothed out your light green dress. It wasn’t much longer until Austin was pulling up.
You walked over to the car, which he parked in the middle of the street for the time being. He got out of the car and you couldn’t help but smile. He still needed to change into his party wear clothes, but he still look amazing as always.
“No issues?” You asked as you walked around to the trunk.
“None at all. All the sandwiches and cookies were prepared, and transported safely.” He smiled as he opened the trunk. He wasn’t crazy, he saw how beautiful you looked. He just wanted to find a moment where you were both alone to compliment you.
“Good, I do not need anything disastrous happening.” You commented and picked up the box of cookies. Austin grabbed the two boxes of sandwiches and you two made your way inside.
“Nothing bad will happen,” Austin reassured you.
“I know, I just… I can’t help but think it will end in fire.” You replied as you placed the box down on the kitchen counter.
“You did amazing okay? Celebrate it, and have fun with your sister. Now, I gotta move the car before someone gets mad.” You nodded and watched as he rushed away. You let out a sigh and opened the boxes. You had to get these on a tray and outside before the bride and groom arrive.
“Need some help?” You turned at the voice and forced a pained smile onto your face.
“Aunt Eliana, how wonderful of you to offer, but I must decline. You should be out in the back.” You told her.
“Oh please, and miss spending time with my niece who I hardly see? Oh please,” She placed down her glass of champagne, which you have no idea how she got. You guys are serving water out of mason jars- the ice. Oh my god, Austin still has the ice-
“You okay there hun? You look like you just saw someone get killed.”
“Oh no no,” you chuckled lightly and shook your head. “Sorry, just got a lot on my mind.”
“I would imagine so. Say, where is that boyfriend of yours? Your mother has been telling me… quite a lot about him.
“He’s parking the car. He just dropped off the food.” You answered as you finished up one of the trays. Now you just had to do three more.
“Right,” she hummed and nodded. It was like she didn’t believe you. You don’t blame them, yet it still hurt. You couldn’t figure out why it hurts, you just knew that it did. First, it was your brother, and now it was your nosy aunt.
“Aunt Eliana, I just need to do this on my own. Please enjoy refreshments, though you seem to have brought yourself some alcohol-”
“Oh, I never come to a party without bringing alcohol. We’re all adults here, no harm… right?” She smirked gently. Was she hinting that you were acting like a child? You paused in your traying and turned to look at her.
“Look, I have been very busy, as I am right now. I am making sure my sister has the best wedding party among other events leading up to her wedding. Now please, we can talk later, but for right now, leave me alone.” You told her off. She held a face of… disbelief.
She couldn’t believe that you just told her off. Not many people dared to in fact. So, when some young niece of hers decides to throw at her… she doesn’t know how to act. She just nodded and left. You were finally alone. No one was in the house, everyone was outside.
Once you finished up the trays you took them outside one by one. You placed them over on the empty tables and placed out the plates and napkins. You let out a breath and smiled at everyone as you went back inside.
“Hey,” you found Austin. You smiled at his appearance. He has since changed into something more formal, but still casual. You walked over to him and flatten out his shirt.
“You look good,” you whispered gently.
“Well, you look beautiful. Blew me away when I got out of the car.” You blushed at his compliment and shook your head.
“Thank you,” you said softly. Austin wrapped his arm around you and kissed the side of your head.
“When’s your sister coming in?” He asked.
“She should be in soon. She said a bit after four.” You told him. Austin nodded in response and the two of you headed outside. You looked around for your brother so that you could finally introduce him to Austin.
“Come on, I spot my brother.” You said and pulled Austin over to Max and Kenzie.
“So this is the mystery boyfriend, huh?”
“I’m AUsitn, nice to meet you,” Austin said as he held his hand out to Max. He nodded and took Ausitn’s hand in his.
“Nice to meet you two, now… we need to talk.” Max threw an arm around Austin and the two walked off.
“Great.” you wished and shook your head. Kenzie let out a light laugh and shook her head.
“You should be lucky to have a brother. Sometimes you don’t want all the attention on you.” She explained. You shrugged your shoulders.
“I don’t know. No one really wants to hear that they will be killed if they hurt me.” You told her.
“He cares a lot for you. It shows he’ll be a great father.” She smiled at the thought. You looked over at her and matched her smile.
“You both are going to be great parents. I just know it.” You said. She pulled you into a hug and let out a comforting breath.
“Thank you, Y/n. It means a lot.” She said as you returned her hug.
“Can I… can I be honest with you?” You asked her once you two pulled away.
“Of course, you can tell me anything.” You looked around and grabbed her hand. You pulled her inside and to the bathroom. The only place where you two would be alone. “Um… Can I-”
“It’s not weird I promise I just… I need to get this off my chest.” were you really about to tell Kenzie the truth? Yes. Maybe it was because she wasn’t blood-related or… you didn’t know, but htis lie was slowly eating you up alive.
“You aren’t going to confess your love for me are you?” She joked lightly.
“No of course not. Austin and I aren’t really together.” You said rather quickly. Kenzie raised her eyebrow in confusion.
“I’m going to need you to slow down. Just a bit.” She said softly.
You let out a breath and looked down at your feet. “Austin and I… we aren’t really together. I made up this fake boyfriend four years ago, and then this wedding happened, and… now I’m in love with him and I just…”
“Wait… you two aren't together? You look like you’re together.” She looked at you shocked. As you imagined anyone would look.
“We just planned it very well.” You shrugged.
“Honey, anyone can fake a relationship, but you can’t fake the way you look at someone. You two are madly in love with each other.” She explained. You started to shake your head. If what she’s saying was true, then she was implying that Austin was in love with you. Which he can’t. There was just no way someone like him can love you.
“Austin doesn’t love me. He can’t love me.” You shook your head.
“Why not?” She asked.
“It’s a long story, but there is no way he loves me.”
“You won’t know unless you confess.” You shook your head nd let out a breath.
“I rather just not say anything at all. We just have so much longer, and then we’ll cut off all contact.” You said as you walked out of the bathroom.
“But then you’ll be wondering what if? And it will eat you alive.” She pointed out. You let out a sigh and nodded. She was right. You would be wondering what if?
“I just don’t want to think about it,” You shook your head.
“There you are, I was looking for you,” Austin broke you two out of your conversation.
“You were?” You looked at him confused. You thought he would’ve just continued talking to your brother, but somehow he managed to get away.
“Yeah, thought we weren’t gonna leave each other's sides.?” He chuckles lightly and grabs your hand.
“Sorry, I was talkin’ to, Kenzie.” You smiled softly and gave his hand a squeeze.
“I saw your sister and Nick pull in.” He told you. You smiled softly and went out to the front with him. You watched as your sister got out in her cute white dress.
“Oh my gosh, Mia! You look so beautiful!” You squealed and walked over to her. She smiled and grabbed your hands in hers.
“Thank you, you look just as beautiful. Now, let’s see this party because I am dying to open presents.” She admitted. You chuckled lightly and shook your head.
“Come on, let’s get you to that party.” You took her over to the party.
The party went amazing, dare you even say perfect. Everyone enjoyed the sandwiches and the cookies. Then, of course, Mia and Nick loved their presents very much. Your sister spoke highly of you, and you were generally just overall happy.
Your mother didn’t speak to you. Your crazy aunt didn’t talk to you again. You would pretty much call that a win. You just spent all your time with your sister and your brother. And of course your in-laws.
You were now back in your room taking off your shoes. Austin was downstairs taking the last of the trash out to the can. You sat down on the bed and started to take off your earrings. One event was done, and now you had a few more left to go.
Maybe you should talk to Austin about the whole… falling in love with him. No no… you can’t do that. This was a whole fake thing. Neither one of you was supposed to fall in love. It was a simple helping a friend out. Nothing more, and nothing less. Though… you two were kissing more than needed.
“Hey, you did amazing,” Austin said as he came into the room. You looked at him and smiled.
“Thank you, I had my amazing boyfriend to help me.” You complimented him. He returned your smile with one of his own.
“Yeah, we make a great couple.” He said softly and sat down next to you. You looked over at him and nodded in agreement.
“Yeah,” You looked down at your hands. “Yeah, we do. I just wish… I wish it was real.” You muttered under your lips.
“You wish it was real?” He asked you.
“W-well,” you quickly look at him. “Not with you of course, I-I, with someone else who actually loved me- w-we are just friends of course so-”
He cut you off by closing the distance between you two. His lips on yours, and yours on his. “I want it to be real.” He muttered against your lips.
“You do?” You whispered lightly and looked into his beautiful eyes.
“I do. God, I do.” He pushed you gently onto the bed. You had no idea what was to come, but god you knew one thing for sure. You wanted it. You wanted him. You wanted his love. You wanted his comfort. You wanted his everything.
I just want to thank everyone who is still here. I appreciate every like, comment, and reblog who heartedly. I want to be able to get back to rebloging some of my favorite fics. I want to be able to expand my writing.
Don't get me wrong, I still have so many ideas for Austin and Elvis. I think I would want to get this whole list done first before I go ahead and start in a new fandom.
Mutual Taglist: @darlinboypresley @emmymaehereeeeee @venus-haze @austinstyles
#asshlyyyy writes#austin butler fanfiction#austin butler imagine#austin butler fanfic#austin butler#austin butler fluff#austin butler x reader#austin butler x#austin butler x y/n#austin butler x you
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she won't go away
summary: camilla is a senior with a developed eating disorder she can't push off her. her best friend and crush, Ellie, knows nothing about it. until they skip school and Ellie becomes suspicious.
trigger warning: ED.
word count: 2.3k
I fully expected the clothes on my body to fit like a glove before my first day of senior year. But as I stand in front of the mirror, tugging at the material that won’t pull, I want to scream loud enough to break every glass reflection in the world so I never have to see myself again. This may be extreme, but one would understand if they knew the extremes I went to to lose weight.
I figured that if I didn’t eat as much as I had and picked up on a running habit, I’d lose the nasty weight I put on junior year.
“What the hell? That’s impossible,” I groan as I pick at the clothes and pinch my belly.
“Impossible how good you look?” my mom asks, flooding into the bathroom.
I immediately rub my hands down my clothes and look at her reflection in the mirror. I try to focus on her as best as I can. “No,” I say. “I don’t. This shirt and these jeans are tight.”
“Then change out of them,” mom says.
I like that she can be optimistic, but at the same time it angers me. She’s never been a bigger woman–always skinny and petite with hair that never fails her. I, on the other hand, depend on the way my hair falls on my face or how my clothes sit on my shoulders or stomach or how they hug my waist. She can put on a potato sack and still look flawless. And for that, I don’t always stand by her affirmative words. They may be kind, but they’re tainted. I am her daughter, and for that reason she sees me through a different lens.
“Mom,” I murmur.
“What?”
Can’t you see? I want to ask her. But instead, I say, “They were supposed to fit me.”
Her eyebrows raise up, silently asking, ‘What do you mean?’
“Nevermind,” I say, opting out of the conversation. Maybe if I don’t think about it, I won’t feel the pressure.
I walk out of the bathroom and into my room. I throw off the top and grab a black shirt from my dresser. Mom follows me in but doesn’t fully enter, she just stands at the door.
“You shouldn’t feel so insecure, Camila.”
I hold back my scoff. It’s stupid, though, because I spurt out a smart remark. “Yeah, well I do.”
“You did lose weight,” she says, “if that’s what you want to hear.”
I pick a jean skirt and shimmy into it. It slightly sags and I smile at my mom. “Thank you.”
She continues talking about my health and such but I tune her out. I pull on a thin cardigan, my dirty white sneakers, and my black backpack overly decorated by pins. By the time I’m done, my mom is whistling from the kitchen. I know this because I can hear her scuffling and the whirring of the microwave.
“Yes!” I shout.
“Eleanor is here!”
I roll my eyes at the nickname and peek out the window. She sure is, in her black Jeep. I run down the hall and stop by the kitchen bar. My mom has left me yogurt and fruit. I look up at her and smile. She’s done this every day since I was in first grade. Then, there was more on the plate, but the main dish was the yogurt and fat slices of fruit (besides grapes).
I pick it up and start for the door, but the soft voice of my mom cuts between my path.
“You hang out with her a lot, huh?”
I look at her and laugh. “Yeah, we’re friends,” I say.
She pulls her lips in and her eyes turn to crescents. The look on her face is one I know all too well–she’s trying to look into me. I may not be lying–well, not really–but my face still warms up and I switch from my right foot to my left.
I swallow harshly and say, “We’re just friends.”
She shrugs and picks up her mug of black coffee. She stares over the ceramic, sending a questioning set of eyes my way.
I take this as a queue to leave.
I rush to Ellie’s car and hop in, my backpack falling between my legs. It thumps against the floor and a ‘damn’ rushes past her lips.
“What?” I say.
“I mean,” she says, rubbing her neck, “it’s barely the first day and your bag is already heavy.”
“So?”
“You don’t have to be so prepared.”
“But I want to be,” I tell her as I pick up an ugly piece of watermelon.
She lets me enjoy my heavy bag and drives us to school. She picks at my fruit and I let her eat my yogurt with my spoon. We don’t really care about that kind of thing, we’ve been friends since freshman year and she’s never minded. She doesn’t swallow the spoon, either, she just paws at the edge of the spoon.
By the time we get to the parking lot, it’s ten minutes to the bell. We sit with the engine off for a minute or two and just watch everyone rush in. I don’t really remember much of anything before this summer. If even that. The slight eating disorder has stolen a bit of my memory.
As if she can read my mind, Ellie asks, “Do you remember freshman year?”
I shake my head. “No, not besides us meeting. And you know,” I say, looking at her, “the occasional first hang-outs and birthday parties and stuff.”
She grabs my hand and lifts it to her lips. It shouldn’t catch me by surprise–she does this a lot, the kissing hand stuff–but my heart stutters and I struggle taking a breath.
“Ah, how I miss that.”
“I know,” I whisper.
“It was love at first sight,” she says in the same tone.
What does that mean? I feel the need to ask. She’s staring deep into my eyes and I so desperately want her to be telling the truth but she may well not be. She may be saying this platonically.
I nod.
She reaches over the console and kisses my cheek. She lets go of my hand and steps out of the car. I do so as well, dragging my heavy backpack over my shoulders.
I don’t ask about the comment or the kiss on the cheek. I don’t think it matters why. We’ll be going to college before we know it and most people want to be single then to explore and kiss and fuck who they want. I’m certain she’s all I’ll think about, but I’m not sure I’ll be the one on her mind.
After fourth period, Ellie rushes up to me before the cafeteria doors and pushes me against a patch of lockers. “Let’s skip,” she says.
“What?” I ask with a contorted face. “It’s the first day!”
“So?”
I look like a puppy the way I frown and shy away from her. “I want–need to show up.”
Her hands run down my arms and one hooks into my right hand. “Fine,” she whispers, a whine in her tone. “Only for lunch.”
“Won’t we get in trouble?”
She sputters like an engine. “No. They don’t care.”
I raise an eyebrow.
“C’mon, Mila.”
I look around and then down at our conjoined hands. “Where?”
A big smile spreads across her face and she pulls me down the hall. “Somewhere you’ll remember.”
“Where?” I ask again.
She turns her head and purses her lips. “Shush and c’mon.”
“I’m hungry,” I whine.
“I’ll feed you, don’t worry.”
She does. On the way to wherever we go, she pulls into a McDonalds and buys a twenty piece and two medium fries. I remember saying I was hungry, but as the food sits in my lap and the greasy smell pours into my nose, I feel ill. I hide it well enough for Ellie to tell, though. She doesn’t know and I want to keep it that way.
On our way to the location, Ellie jokes about my self control. How I’ve yet to steal fries or begin eating. I laugh but the darkness behind the joke spills out and tries to suffocate me. So I peek my head out the window and let the warm air enter my lungs.
When we get there, I do remember: a patch of dust and dead grass beside train tracks. It’s after a bunch of business buildings and venues. We found this place when Ellie got her license the summer before junior year. Joel, her adoptive dad, didn’t care where she went, nor how old she was. All he cared about was if she had her license.
We would come here and eat burgers and fries and milkshakes. That was the year Ellie began smoking weed, and this was the perfect spot to do so. I never smoked, but I’d watch her.
“I miss when we would sit here and just not say a word,” she says with a joint already in her hand. I want to tell her no, that we have class, but she puts up a good sober act.
I nod and sit down on the log still lying on the ground from a year ago. I put the food between us and take out my fries. I nibble on one fry while she downs half of them in one go.
I don’t speak, I let her do all the talking. I’m trying to add up all the calories I’m consuming. I’ve never been the best at math but when it comes to this I’m a fucking expert.
I think I eat about five fries before Ellie notices. She turns to me while she stubs out her joint and almost hisses. I think about chunking them all in my mouth, but she’s caught me now.
“You haven’t even had a chicken nugget,” she tells me. She opens the box and pushes it towards me. “I already ate my half.”
“Oh,” I murmur and nod. “Sorry.”
She doesn’t acknowledge my apology, but she does acknowledge the biggest elephant in the room. “You’ve lost a lot of weight since summer started,” she says. “Are you okay?”
I hum. “Of course I am.”
She sighs and reaches over, grabbing my fries. She places them inside the chicken nugget box and slides them over to her left. She scoots in and grabs my hand, tucking all of my fingers into a fist and caressing my knuckles.
“You don’t look it,” she murmurs.
I don’t know if I should take this as a snide or concerned statement. I opt for just shutting up. I know remaining silent doesn’t help my case, but it doesn’t plummet either. I just sit with her thumbs kissing my skin and look at the dirt.
“I don’t mean this as a rude thing,” she continues. “You just look underfed, not well taken care of. You look whiter than normal and it’s been hot out.”
I tsk. “Okay,” I moan. “Ellie, I'm more than okay. I just sat inside all summer. You wouldn’t know because you were gone for half the summer.”
“–And here for the other half, so I know something’s been up.”
I don’t like that she’s trying to crack me open. If I wanted her to know about the eating issue, I would have brought it up. But it’s none of her concern, because it’s not even her body.
“I am fine,” I say sternly. “You don’t have to worry about me.”
She shoots up and looks over me, trying to intimidate me. She never has but now, I feel like a rock has slid into my throat and won’t go away. “Why aren’t you eating?”
“I am!” I say, now almost shouting.
“No,” she says, violently shaking her head. “You aren’t, and I care about you, Mila. So please” –she kneels on the ground in front of me– “tell me what’s going on.”
I stare at her, my eyes drilling into her own. Gloss covers the surface and I realize my safety might concern her more than I thought. I shift in my seat and I take her hands. “I haven’t been eating, you’re right. I wanted to lose weight and all the working out and cutting out bad stuff wasn’t working. So I just stopped.”
She leans forward and kisses me. It’s a small peck, but it feels like a bigger gesture than it is. Her face pulls away from mine but I follow her. I kiss her gently, my nose softly rubbing against hers and our breaths panning against one another’s faces. It’s the only breeze that alerts us that we’re here, and this isn’t some dream.
I speak first. “I’m sorry,” I say.
She pulls away and kisses both my palms. “No. Don’t apologize for not telling me. I just wish you trusted me enough to tell me this. I want to help you any way I can. I know it’s not something easy to fix, but I’m willing to sit down and help you.”
I kiss her cheek. I mumble a thank you in her ear and rest my forehead on her shoulder.
“So,” she chuckles two seconds later, “what are we going to do about this kiss.”
I shrug and scoot back. “What do you want to do about this kiss?”
She chuckles and stands up, pulling me with her. She grabs the leftovers and we race to her Jeep. I slide right in and immediately, we make out. It’s heated, and I don’t know if we should keep on doing it.
I actually think we should wait. I kindly and slowly pull away, a trail of saliva that once linked us falling onto the fat of our lips.
Ellie takes this as a sign to get going. She turns on her car and drives back to school, where no one but our teachers care for us.
#ellie williams#elliewilliams x reader#ellie williams tlou#lesbian romance#oneshot#ellie williams headcanons#ellie x fem reader#ellie the last of us#the last of us#ellie williams x you
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Finally i don't feel alone in thinking the fandom is toxic, because I had to deal with a horrible amount of ableism (for literal disabilities I have and apparently someone thought I was incontinent and basically compared incontinent people to diaperfuckers) and even still I have to hide behind anon due to the fact the fandom also has a problem with stalking too, since i have been stalked by people who made private accounts around me and screenshotting everything I said to the point I had to actually talk to someone from the Trevor Project because I genuinely did not feel safe
apologies for the rambling, this fandom isn't normal about disabled people
Honey I'm so sorry :(. Yes people are mean and something about this fandom normalizes it. Idk what it is exactly. People say it's 'always been this way' and while that's true it HAS gotten WORSE. mainly because the fandom is smaller and the assholes just sort of all form a cult together and thrive off each others negativity. They say the people with the worse opinions are the loudest and that couldn't be more true within this fandom.
Also the ability to go fully anonymous on this sight is both a blessing and a plague. I do feel that there SHOULD be a way to find out who the anon was. I myself have been consistently harassed by a Spain kin for almost 5 years. It used to really get to me and it doesn't anymore. I truly just no longer give a shit. I went on Hiatus for 2 years and they CAME BACK! Like they were waiting in the shadows and like a bond vilian just turned in their chair and were like "well well well...". It's just kind of funny if you think about it I live rent free in their dome and they don't even know me. An I can't block them because they are always on anon. So I just delete it and carry on with my life. Last year my therapist diagnosed me with Avoidant Personality Disorder and it answered a lot of questions I've always had about myself. Which means I am an extremely shy person chronically so. I take things to heart even if I shouldn't. I feel things very deeply for myself and for other people and animals. My therapist taught me some tools to try and help me deal and I got an increase in my meds. One of those was to not watch the news or actively sought out negative events because those destroy me. I just can't take it. It's a huge trigger for me and I wish it wasn't I don't like the idea that I make it about me' in some way. It doesn't really do much but it numbs me a bit and makes me care less. It still affects me sure but I feel too unbothered to care. My AI covers have been a HUGE stress relief for me and a good distraction from my feelings. But again it's just a distraction. They are little boosts of serotonin to make and it makes me happy and it makes me even happier when someone enjoys it.
The reason I tell you this is to help you understand that no one really gives a shit. That sounds harsh but please let me elaborate on that. I mean I have straight told people "I am legit too shy to function and I do not like to talk about certain things because it gives me major embarrassment that can last actual days. Can we find a new topic or maybe pivot." but they don't actually listen to me about it. And I understand that it's hard to remember everyone's little quirks but to constantly have to remind people and for them to just "Oh yeah sorry... anyway like I was saying" really stings. Because of my disorder you can imagine I have an extremely hard time speaking my mind and standing up for myself. I want everyone to like me I don't want anyone to dislike me to a fault. I will ignore my own feelings and emotions to let others speak about what makes them happy even if sometimes it does sting. So I actually very much do know exactly where you are coming from with that. Just please remember that these are strangers online. Yes they can say hurtful things but the second you close teh app they disappear. They don't actually matter. And YES I am fully aware that this is easier said than done please believe me on that.
This fandom does have a serious issue with ignoring and disrespecting others disabilities. Especially some that are not really heard about/normalized much like yours or mine. I 100% know everyone thinks I'm lying about my personality disorder being a real thing If they don't want to understand me I can't make them, which sucks but I have no control over that. I wish it were not that way but we can't change other people and the way they think/ act but we can work on ourselves and how we process harassment. I wish you luck anon, you're never alone on this bitch of an earth, love you <3
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Six of Crows as Psych Quotes
Nina, to Kaz: The plot, unlike your hair, continues to thicken.
—
*talking to Jan Van Eck*
Jesper: *sneezes*
Kaz: Sorry, he’s allergic to rich white people.
—
Jesper, on the phone with Inej: Are you in my apartment?
Inej: Please, I haven’t snuck into your apartment in weeks. Which reminds me, you’re all out of peanut butter.
—
Kaz: A lot of people want to kill me. I take great pride in that.
Jesper trying to sound smart while flirting with Wylan: You heard about Pluto? That’s messed up, right?
—
Nina: Just because you put syrup on something don’t make it pancakes.
—
Kaz: You’re acting like a child.
Jesper, stomping his foot: I am not acting!
—
Jesper: They say I’ve been diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder. But the truth is, this lustrous hair and dimpled chin are merely chapter one.
—
Wylan: I don’t lose things. I place things somewhere that later elude me.
—
Jesper: Well, much like Lady Gaga, I was born this way.
—
Nina: You need to stop acting like a child. People have sex and then they kill each other, that’s the real world. Not some magical feelings place.
—
Jesper: There are over 400 stars in our galaxy. Maybe more, no one knows for sure. Many have said that the universe is even larger than the Indian Ocean.
—
Nina: You’re mad.
Kaz: No, I’m not mad. I’m happy, I’m thrilled, I love looking like an idiot.
Nina: That explains your shoes.
—
Jesper: The victim was killed by 9 M&M’s.
Inej: That’s impossible.
Jesper: You’re right, that seems low. 9mm gun.
Inej: Oh.
—
Nina: Everyone stop what you’re doing and only pay attention to me.
—
Jesper: It’s a gift that I use on only rare occasions and practically all the time.
—
Jesper: Do you think it could be PTSD?
Matthias: I think it’s far more interesting than a mere menstral cycle.
—
Wylan: We’ve been injury-free since June, when Jesper broke his finger flipping the injury countdown calander.
—
Matthias: I’ve never been murdered before, it’s liberating! (i’m sorry for this, i couldn’t not)
—
Kaz: First question, what is your name?
Inej: There is a murderer on the loose!
Kaz: That is not your name.
—
Wylan: I’ve seen it all.
Kaz: You’ve seen it all through the cracks of your fingers while you were hiding your eyes.
—
Kaz: You brought a date to the crime scene??
Nina, holding hands with Matthias: It was either this or ice skating.
—
Per Haskell: But know this, one stupid move, and I’ve got more than enough plastic bags for your body parts.
Kaz, turning to Inej: Note to self, call Hefty with a commercial idea.
—0
Matthias: You believe in karma, right?
Nina: Yes, but that’s only because we’re karma chameleons.
Inej: We come and go.
—
Nina: Kaz, it’s official. You’ve won bitchiest banana.
—
Jesper: Just call me the suck-stopper. No wait, don’t call me that.
—
Inej: Just so you know, if you go to prison I will not wait for you.
Kaz: You won’t have to, I’ll escape. We both know that.
—
Matthias: Remember, you treat a woman like a a person, then a princess, then a Greek goddess, and then a person again.
—
Kaz: Have you not listened to anything I’ve said?
Jesper: I certainly haven’t, but I didn’t think you’d notice.
—
Jesper, to the other crows: We get caught together, we face death together, it happens every week!
—
Van Eck at the beginning of SoC: I’m gonna ask you to be respectful here.
Kaz: I will politely decline.
—
Wylan: What isn’t clear is why people always say ‘goes without saying’, yet still feel compelled to say the thing that was supposed to go without saying. Doesn’t that bother you?
—
Jesper: When it comes to mental focus, I’m sharper than a—
Kaz: *hands him a candy bar*
Jesper: Ooo thanks man I’m starved. When they say these things really satisfy they are not lying.
—
Matthias: I need to get something off my chest.
Nina: Is it your shirt? Please say yes.
—
Inej: Don’t say a word.
Jesper:
Jesper: Fergulous.
Inej: I said no words.
Jesper: Oh, I see how it works. Two weeks ago we’re playing scrabble it’s not a word, but now suddenly it is a word because it’s convenient for you.
—
Kaz: Do not go down there and start winging it! That’s not how we operate.
Jesper: Dude, where have you been for the last five years?
—
Jesper: I can’t help but notice there are two graves here, and yet there are six of us.
Van Eck: Obviously, you will have to share.
Jesper: Yes but I think I speak for the party when I say who shared with who?
Matthias: I’m not going with Kaz.
Kaz: I think Inej and I should have our own grave.
Jesper: Excuse me, after all we’ve been through, I’ve earned the right to rest beside you just as much as Inej.
Nina: Alright, look, if nobody wants to take Jesper then Matthias and I will take him. Wylan, why don’t you go with those two?
Jesper: Man, I’m nobody’s charity case. I demand to dig my own grave.
#source: psych#obviously#legit my favorite show#it’s just so good#if you’ve never watched psych stop whatever you’re doing and go watch it right now#incorrect crows#six of crows#crooked kingdom#incorrect six of crows#six of crows incorrect quotes#incorrect six or crows quotes#grishaverse#shadow and bone#incorrect grishaverse#kaz brekker#inej ghafa#jesper fahey#nina zenik#wylan van eck#matthias helvar#kanej#wesper#helnik
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LO and it's portrayal of S/A
A rant by someone who just finished EP. 98 and is incredibly furious
Cw: Mentions of S/A, it's effects, too much swearing, ED mention, personal stuff that happened to yours truly, lots of other stuff too, just no idea what to tag it as
Don't read this if you're not mentally doing well, I don't want you getting hurt because of my post, I love you, feel better soon
Boy. Oh fucking boy. I just got through episode 98 of this shit show and, I'll just say, I am beyond furious. Livid, in fact.
For context, I am a survivor or sexual abuse and mental abuse, I have dealt with those who act sort of like Apollo, I was never raped, but I was molested as a child. I, as a survivor, feel nothing but rage at how Rachel portrayed Apollo being a rapist. The way he acts is incredibly unrealistic for an abuser, as somebody who dealt with two abusers with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (I'm not saying everyone who has NPD are villains, I'm just saying what I went through), I see what Rachel was trying, but oh so tragically failed, to do. He tried to control, manipulate, and gaslight Persephone. Only for none of it to work, that's not how ANY of it fucking works!
Where is the fucking control, other than just fucking raping her? I get he wants to take the power away from her and be the one to control her, but I've seen none of that! I get she has PTSD over it (I'LL GET TO THIS POINT AGAIN). I NEVER GOT THE SENSE THAT SHE WAS POWERLESS EXCEPT FOR THAT ONE SCENE. I HAVE NEVER SEEN HER QUESTION IF THAT WAS HIS INFLUENCE PICKING HER DRESSES, OR FUCKING EVEN HER FOOD! WHEN I WAS LIVING WITH ONE OF MY ABUSERS, SHE'D PICK OUT MY OUTFITS, ONE'S I HATED, AND I STILL CHOOSE SOME OF THOSE OUTFITS, TO THIS DAY! WHERE WAS HER LOSS OF CONTROL? SHE NEVER FELT ISOLATED, SHE NEVER FELT LIKE SHE WAS TRAPPED. YES. SHE WAS TRAPPED IN THAT ONE ROOM WITH HIM, BUT EVEN THEN! SHE HAD LEVERAGE OVER HIM WITH THE FUCKING LYRE. Ugh.
About her realizing she was raped, um. Excuse me? A lot of victims don't realize they were raped or abused until like, months or years later. I'm glad for the ones who instantly realized it, good for them. Given Persephone's personality and experience with the world, she wouldn't have known it was rape because she's not accustomed to dating and sexual culture. On top of that, she isn't really seen actually distressed when she remembers, oh, and lets not forget that she WAS FUCKING FINE WITH TOUCH AND PHYSICAL FLIRTING DAYS AFTER HER ASSAULT. Let me remind you that I have been through this thing myself, you do not just omg I was just assaulted! time to go let someone touch me! Nonono, you spend years jumping when people touch you, years of moving when someone tries to grab your shoulder, years of pushing someone's hand off your arm, years screaming when you get a hug. And then, maybe from flashbacks, maybe from googling things, you discover you were molested! And then it alllllll makes sense. I understand if she became hypersexual, cause same, but that usually doesn't set in until a good long while.
I also hate how Apollo is written, he should have stayed as a shitty ex boyfriend or whatever the fuck Rachel was gonna make him, he just comes across as a cartoonish villain than an abuser. The man just fucking rubs his hands together and fucking goes I'll get you next time my pretty! I fucking HATE his writing so goddamn much. I understand wanting to make him pushy, egotistical, and insecure, they're some of the hallmarks of the pushy nice guy she was going for. But when it comes to him being abusive, it's like watching a bad joke. Rapists don't usually, you know, CATCH FEELINGS FOR THEIR VICTIM (correct me if I'm wrong), unless it's to lure them back in to hurt them again. She made him so obviously evil it hurts, abusers don't usually act that way, they put on a pretty smile, act kind, and behind closed doors, act shitty. I respect 97-98 for getting that part right, but too many times, too many fucking times Rachel has gotten that wrong. I have dealt with this myself, my mother did this exact thing, she even put on the pretty smile for me so even I, somebody who knew he was being tormented, questioned whether or not I was being abused! We never see this with Persephone! We never see her getting gaslit with this, she never questions her reality! She knows everything that's going on for sure! I know what Rachel was aiming for, and she failed miserably!
God, on top of this, we never really get to see Persephone's PTSD unless the story fuckin says Apollo's here! She's never really fucking affected by her rape, we don't see her jump from touches, refuse sexual advanced from Hades, yeah, sure, we see her afraid of camera flashes, but that's about it!!!!!!!! She never really experiences the effects of s/a! I developed an ED and agoraphobia from my abuse! Where the fuck is that?! That would have been a lot more fucking interesting than the slop we fucking got!
I know I've missed some things, but I need to calm down before I pop a blood vessel. I might revisit this post when I'm less angry, I just needed to rant.
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Hello people! This is my introduction :3
I am a person of many names~ Some know me by their loveliest day dream, others their worst nightmare-
Just kidding, I go by any of these names, and I will put in my bio which I’m using at the time~ (it’s fluid)
Nyx, Rei, Ether, Gray, Aether, Nexus, Kaeya, Nox
I am also Genderfluid, so my current pronouns will be listed in my bio as well :3
Neurodivergent! Diagnosed with Tourettes and my therapist is pretty sure I have ADHD, Depression and Anxiety (getting tested for any kind of neurological disorders on April 10th 2024🤭)
I love getting questions about my Tourettes, Gender Identity and whatever else!!! Please don’t be afraid to ask if you have questions!!
Little warning: despite being on Tumblr for about 2 years now, I still have to idea what the proper “etiquette” is. Like- what a blorbo is, or if emojis are as despised here as they are on like… discord or something
Idk man 💀 I’m always confused
I love many things, from video games to anime to cartoons for children way younger than me
Here are all of the ones that I can remember right now (not listed in any particular order):
Hamilton
Amphibia
Percy Jackson
The Owl House
FNaF
She-Ra
Gravity Falls
Marvel (Avengers really)
Genshin Impact
My Hero Academia
Demon Slayer
Spy x Family
Marauders (Kinda)
Horizon Zero Dawn
Horizon Forbidden West
Avatar: The Last Airbender
Avatar: The Legend Of Korra
Spider-Man: Into The Spider-Verse
Spider-Man: Across The Spider-Verse
Moon Knight
Jekyll and Hyde
Bluey
Whump (Just in general)
DnD (Mainly Homebrew because I am kinda new to it)
I also love making art, and will post that a lot
I have an Ao3 Account: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SoManyPassions/pseuds/SoManyPassions
I have a lot of works but am also working like a dog to get more stuff posted ✨
I have so much writing in progress, and can’t wait to get it out there!
Let’s see… what else…
Im working on my own Fantasy/Fiction Series called The Solstice Academy (Yes that does mean that it’s initials shorten to TSA)
I am open to writing submissions for any fandom listen above! I have some stipulations, some minor and others are more important, like how I will never write smut/sexual content. If you have any submissions that you’d wanna see (like your favorite character getting tortured) message me and we can work something out! I can’t promise that I’ll get to it immediately (or that it will get written at all) but I will do my best to fulfill your request!
I think that’s all about me!
:3
#intro post#introduction#ao3#ao3 writer#hamilton#amphibia#percy jackson#the owl house#she ra#gravity falls#marvel#the avengers#genshin impact#my hero academia#demon slayer#spy x family#marauders#horizon forbidden west#horizon zero dawn#avatar the last airbender#avatar the legend of korra#Spider-Man into the Spider-Verse#spider man across the spider verse#moon knight#jekyll and hyde#bluey cartoon#whump#writer stuff#tourettes#neurodivergent
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Good afternoon, darling Cat Mom! 💖 I hope that today is treating you well.
I am here to take up space in your ask box again with more questions about your version of our lovely Maggot Mommy. 🥰
In the film, Ellie’s physical body dies in the process of the possession taking hold, and is at least dead for a short period of time. ( Whilst she’s tucked up in bed. ) This is why she has the delightful blueish-grey tint to her skin. 😻
So, for your own personal version of Maggot Mommy.. Do you see her physical body to still be completely dead, or is her body alive again now that she is possessed? Or perhaps you see her as undead.. in the way that zombies are both dead but alive?
Does your Momma have a beating heart? Circulating blood? Does she have any specific bodily functions that still work? Or any bodily functions that still require use / attention? ( For example, eating / drinking? Going to the bathroom? Getting wet? 😏 )
Is your Momma warm to the touch, or does she feel cold? Perhaps certain parts of her feel warm, and other parts feel cold? For example, her skin may be icy cold like a corpse, but her mouth / tongue is still hot? Or maybe rather than feeling cold, Momma is actually hot to the touch,? Like a perpetual fever, from being inhabited by a demonic entity?
I am an absolute sucker for details, so I want to know everything that there possibly is to know. 🙊
Sending love and clawed Momma hair strokes your way x 🖤
Well hello there lovely! 🥰💕
I´m doing quite well, thanks for asking. 🥰
Hbu dear? You better stay hydrated in this weather! ☝🏼🫗
Oh please DO feel free to take up as much space as you wanna with all your delicious, detailed questions. Details are my weakness! 🥵🥵🥵
Ohhh, these are some questions indeed ALNALSDNFASDNLFÖ. My brain´s already tingling, lemme tell ya. Love them! 😍
AIGHT SO,
...damn, that´s actually quite complicated lmao. Like, Momma´s dead but at the same time she´s not.
I like to think that a part of Momma - the Ellie part - is defo dead, rotten, has ceased to exist because otherwise that demonic entity wouldn´t have been able to take over. A body can´t have two residents, two souls (even if one of them is rotten to the core) and while split personality actually does exist irl that is a whole other topic and has nothing to do with demonic entities taking over (and I, in no way, mean to downplay that disorder or make fun of it).
So, when I say Ellie I´m talking about the very soul, the spirit.
Ellie had to die in order for that demon to take full control over mind and body. But, at the same time, while It doesn´t require vital functions like respiration, digestion, excretion or a beating heart to simply be, the (Ellie) shell It inhabits does. And, as with any housing, you gotta take care of it and do some maintenance so it doesn´t start falling apart over time.
So if that entity plans on getting comfy then It gotta keep the "house" in shape, lest it starts rotting.
So yes, that body IS still alive and kicking in a way because It makes it so in order to be up and about in actual, physical form. It´s like a parasite latching onto and taking over another life form to be able to thrive which is only possible if the parasite doesn´t kill its host.
Now, as for your deliciously detailed questions about Momma´s inner workings as well as her body´s temperature...I think it´s not a matter of if it happens but when. Because that body is still active in some way but, at the same time, not active enough to pass as a real human being. Meaning, the body being "alive" is not a permanent state but rather...it´s remaining on standby until the situation requires for it to "wake up". Or until it´s starting to protest because Momma keeps neglecting it because she doesn´t know how to human, at all.
So, Momma can be warm to the touch and can have a beating heart and circulating blood and she can have bodily functions that still require use...if the entity wills it or the situation requires/triggers it. My latest post is actually a good example of what a trigger might look like because her darling Drama Queen getting manhandled like that surely triggered quite a bit in Momma, made her boiling with rage and if someone were to (be foolish enough to) touch her in that moment they might actually hear a hiss! because Momma is literally boiling. Overcome with a fury you do not wanna witness.
(Btw, I absolutely love your idea of Momma being quite hot to the touch because of the fever she might´ve been suffering ever since that parasite took over. 👌)
Sometimes a situation requires certain bodily functions though and now the aforementioned maintenance comes into play. Like, yknow, making sure the facade hasn´t got any cracks and frequently unclogging any drains that require it and mowing the lawn and-
So, at some point, the body will give out these signals when something ain´t right. Be it dehydration, starvation or near passing out from a lack of oxygen because Momma does tend to forget us meek humans kinda need that stuff to survive - wimps.
However, as I´ve said before, it´s not permanent but more like a refill, like someone refueling their car - enabling them to continue driving over a longer period of time before the next refill is needed. Momma´s filling her tanks, so to speak.
However...given the right motivation...if SOMEONE desired her to...demanding her to get all hot and bothered there´d be no hesitation, Momma´s on it - body heating up in milliseconds - and you actually start to sweat a bit already-
(I also feel it necessary to mention that Momma can heat up any part of that body...separately. The choice is all yours... 😏🔥)
I´d say she´s rather cold to the touch by nature though because that body has died already and runs on standby most of the time now.
So, to summarize:
It - the evil entity - is the main source of power that keeps everything running, the brain if you will. In order to exist in physical form It needs a host though. Enter Ellie shell (I´m sorry girl 💔).
Ellie shell needs constant maintenance to be able to run smoothly though. So It better take good care of Shellie because no body = no hands or tongue or anything to smother her darling Drama Queen with, climb into her and be one now and forever-
(It has to be said though, it does help with the maintenance that Maggot Momma´s got a rather excellent wound healing.)
Oh! One thing I´ve been wanting to mention as well is the fact this demonic entity knows stuff only human!Ellie could´ve known. Like the fact she calls aunty Beth "Bethy Boo" or "groupie (slut)" or just being quite maternal in general, albeit in a very deranged way. All signs that there´s a connection and Ellie is still there somewhere but not really present, it´s more like an echo.
(And now I´ve actually made myself fucking sad - mourning Ellie and thinking about how she deserved so much better. 😭💔)
But yeah, I like to imagine the whole process of being half dead and coming back to life again, systems booting up only if necessary, works similar to someone bridging their car because I asked Google because I´m a nerd and this is what it says:
"...where two channels are combined to produce one channel with maximum output power."
I think this hits the nail right on the head. ☝️
Tysm for your ask. I hope I was able to answer your deliciously detailed questions equally as delicious and detailed. 🥰🥰🥰
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please please please soft n domestic sharlie where they’re both feeling really icky. they’re doing their best to work together and deal with it, but it really sucks and charlie calls his mum for advice?
Part One | Part Two
CW: stomach bug, fever, nausea, vomiting, anxiety, headache, light sensitivity, near-fainting, brief mentions of demonic possession and visions, food, disordered eating, sickies both worried about each other.
Word Count: 4,892
Sorry for any typos/editing fuck-ups, and also for the possibly abrupt endling? I've been agonising over this for so long and right now it's 1am and I'm soooo sleepy.
___
A gurgling sound broke the stillness, and even though Charlie was asleep and – hopefully – unaware of any bodily distress, Shayne swept his hand forward, through the fabric of his boyfriend’s pyjamas, and stroked his stomach.
He was half-asleep himself, exhaustion weighing on his head and his chest while he struggled to stay conscious. Charlie was sleeping now, yes, but sleep could be disrupted by so many things, with vomiting bouts and horrific nightmares being the two main causes for concern right now.
He was barely aware that he’d let out a groan – out loud, loudly – until he felt Charlie tense, and then stir.
“Sorry," Shayne murmured. "Are you okay?”
Charlie suddenly rolled over to face him. His breath was minty from when he’d brushed his teeth a few hours ago, after his most recent appointment with the toilet bowl. His eyelids were barely open, but he was doing his best to peer at Shayne’s face in the dark.
“Are you okay?” Shayne whispered again. “I-I didn’t know you were awake. Did you have a bad dream, or –”
“No,” Charlie breathed. “Can I just check...?”
Before Shayne could ask what he wanted to check, Charlie brushed Shayne’s curls back from his forehead and held his head in place – and then tipped their foreheads together.
Charlie’s skin felt clammy, but not as noticeably so as earlier, which had to be a good thing. Charlie held them both in that position for a long moment. Too long.
Long enough that Shayne started feeling squirmy.
“What are you doing?”
“Are you sick?” Charlie asked.
“What? No?”
“You’re as hot as I am.”
Shayne scoffed. “I’m... Charlie, I’m not sure that’s scientific –”
“Are you feeling okay?”
Fuck. Shayne had never managed to build up an immunity to that question. Especially not when Charlie asked it. Especially not when he asked in that painfully gentle voice. It made Shayne’s breath catch in his throat. It made his heart stop. It made him do something that he almost hated more than asking anyone for help; think about himself.
So, for Charlie and for no other reason, he checked on himself. And the conclusion was that he felt like shit. But when didn’t he feel like shit?
It was stress! He knew that. He was worried about Charlie – about his bug, and about his dreams, and about his general mental state. Worry made him stiff, and nauseous, and tired. There was nothing unusual about that. He was just stressed.
Just tired.
“Tired,” he whispered, forgetting to add the just.
Charlie was still holding his hand against Shayne’s head, only now he was gently fondling his hair. When he shifted his head back, his blue, fever-glazed eyes had said, I don’t believe you, but okay. “Roll over. My turn to spoon you.”
“I can’t rub your stomach then,” Shayne said, noticing how it sounded more like a threat than a fact.
“I know, but you’re warm. You’ll be my hot water bottle.” Charlie pressed his hands into Shayne’s side, barely pushing him, but making his point. “Roll.”
Shayne grumbled slightly at having to move, but if Charlie wanted him to turn over, then he’d do as he was asked.
He might as well have not bothered.
Throughout the rest of the night, Charlie tossed from his back to his side and back to his other side, until Shayne almost lost track of where in the bed his boyfriend actually was. His nerves started to grate in the early morning, as Charlie hoisted himself into yet another new position, and Shayne was about to snap and tell him to settle the fuck down, but luckily, Charlie spoke first and beat him to it.
“You awake?”
“Yes.”
“Wanna go chill on the couch instead?” Charlie groaned. “I’m getting restless.”
Oh, you think? Shayne didn’t particularly want to move, but he wanted to do what Charlie wanted. He grunted and nodded.
Charlie seemed to remember that he’d been in the same pyjamas ever since he’d first thrown up, so he changed into a set of cream-coloured loungewear that Ingrid had gifted him at Christmas. It’d shrunk a little during its first wash-and-dry, so the ankle- and wrist-cuffs were a little high, but Charlie seemed content enough. He let out a constant stream of groans and whimpers of discomfort as he went about changing.
Shayne moved slowly, his joints growing more rigid as he left the warmth of the bed. As soon as he was up, Charlie scooped the duvet up and carried it like he was a pale, sickly fireman. Shayne grabbed an extra hoodie and half-heartedly pulled it on as he followed Charlie downstairs.
“I’m actually kind of hungry,” Charlie admitted in the hallway.
It took Shayne a second to register that. Food just hadn’t crossed his mind since Charlie had started puking his life away. “Do... you want me to get you something?”
“No, I’ll get it myself.”
Before Shayne could protest, Charlie handed over the bulky duvet to him. “You go get the place comfy. I’ll follow you in a minute. And get warm, okay?”
It was only then that Shayne noticed that he was shaking, hard enough for Charlie to have noticed, too. His jaw ached from the force of keeping his teeth from rattling, and some of that same tension was creeping down into his shoulders.
As Charlie took his detour through the kitchen, Shayne tossed the blanket across the couch and fired up the radiators in the front sitting room. He stayed crouched next to one of them, holding his hand against it until he thought he could feel it start to warm up. He realised he was spacing out when the top of his head touched the radiator and snapped him back to life.
He got up and shut the curtains on all sides of the room; the sun wasn’t quite up yet, but it would be soon, and the light might hurt Charlie’s head. The last thing he needed, on top of a stomach bug, was a migraine.
The very idea of him having to deal with both made Shayne’s knees feel weak. Or maybe they’d already felt kind of weak to begin with...
He glanced towards the sitting room door as Charlie appeared, bleary-eyed and messy-haired. He was carrying a plate that held two slices of toast that were so pale that he’d probably gotten impatient and popped them up before the toaster had finished. He also had a cup of water, which he was taking a sip from while he walked.
“You okay?” he asked softly.
Shayne swallowed the fluttering sensation in his throat. “Mmhmm. You?”
Charlie put his glass on the coffee table and took a bite out of his toast.
Since they had access to the TV now, Shayne expected Charlie to put on an episode of Friends, or something similar, but in the end, he ate his toast in silence. By the time he’d finished, Shayne had crawled in between the sofa and the duvet, and hummed – or was it a whimper? – when Charlie joined him.
“Are you awake?”
Shayne flinched.
He wasn’t sure he’d been asleep at all, really, but rather drifting somewhere between a confusing dream and the reality in which he was feeling more and more like shit by the minute. His head throbbed, his stomach hurt like a bitch, and he just wished he could sleep. But he was also so cold that it felt like an ice demon had crawled over him, and that sensation alone was enough to keep him awake.
Yes, unfortunately, he thought in his head. Then he remembered that Charlie wasn’t in his head.
“Mm.” He hugged Charlie a little harder, hands closing over opposite sides of his waist, and turned his head to get a face full of soft, blonde hair that smelled like spring time. He felt Charlie lean into the embrace, too.
His chest suddenly fluttered with anxiety. “Are you okay, love?”
“Yep. No dreams. Not going to throw up,” Charlie whispered. Then, he pressed a quick kiss against Shayne’s cheek. The kiss felt like punctuation – a full-stop at the end of the soft, hazy quiet that had enveloped them both for so long.
“I’m really sorry, lovely.”
“Hmm?”
Charlie began to shimmy across the couch, shaking out his part of the blanket to get his feet loose. “I am... way too hot. Holy shit.”
The arms Shayne had been using to hold onto Charlie locked themselves around his own torso. He blinked his eyes open and almost outwardly whimpered at the cold that pressed in on him. It felt like the sun had just been shot down out of the sky in the middle of the afternoon, and his body was being consumed by freezing shadows.
“Wh-what...?”
“I can’t cuddle anymore.”
Well, fuck. There was a sentence Shayne would never, in his life, have banked on hearing from Charlie’s lips.
“But I’m so fucking cold.” Shayne hated to whine, but his brain wasn’t working properly, and these were desperate times. He hugged himself a bit harder.
“Aw. Sweetheart,” Charlie lamented quietly.
It was only about one metre of space that separated them now, but they might as well have been on opposite sides of the globe.
“I’m just... too hot. I’m sorry.” Charlie sighed and stood up, raking his fingers through his hair. His cheeks did, admittedly, look flushed, which was better than sickly pale, at least.
He took a step forward, moving with more conviction than he had in days, through the way he kept his shoulders slightly hunched and his knees too rigid gave away how stiff and achy he still was.
“Is it okay if I just turn the radiators down?”
For a second, Shayne genuinely thought he might cry. “Charlie, no. I’m begging you.”
“I’m gonna pass out from the heat. Seriously.”
“Charlie, I’m going to kill you.”
“Just by one notch, okay?”
Shayne pulled the blanket up as far as his eyes and stared miserably at Charlie as he moved across the room. He didn’t want Charlie to be uncomfortable. Obviously. It just sucked that it came at the price of worsening his own experience.
“Fine.”
Charlie crouched by the radiator, moving at a snail’s pace and groaning under his breath. He shoved his already-slightly-too-short sleeves up even further, so that the cream fabric was bunched up around his elbows.
“How you feeling?” Shayne lowered the blanket slightly to ask. That horrible worry fluttered in his chest again, setting off a burning discomfort in the pit of his stomach. Charlie had been so, so sick, not to mention wracked with every emotion under the sun. And talking about some... worrying things –
Charlie huffed in displeasure. “Boiling alive,” he declared, as though he hadn’t just mentioned that at least three times already.
Shayne would have rolled his eyes if he didn’t think it would make him dizzy. “Besides that.”
“Oh. Um,” Charlie sighed as he fidgeted with the knob. “I’m still feeling kind of bleugh. I'm so fed up of it, to be honest.”
I’m sorry. I wish I could fix it faster.
“How are you, lovely?” Charlie turned his head to look back at Shayne. “Are you doing okay?”
Shayne swallowed. He didn’t need to assess himself this time – he knew what was going on, and the sickly feeling in his stomach was only confirming it – but he did stop to weigh up the pros and cons of telling Charlie the truth.
“You hesitated.” Charlie sighed again. This time, his eyes were pinned on Shayne’s face, which, evidently, was giving away a lot more than his words were. “It’s happening, isn’t it?”
Charlie – fuck, Shayne loved him so much – had never actually said the words out loud, that Shayne was sick now, too. The most he’d done was suggest that they had the same body temperature, and encourage him to take some sips of water from the same glass; no use worrying about sharing germs when the germs had already been shared.
Shayne was sick. They both knew that. They just didn’t know how sick.
Charlie was grimacing as he stood up from adjusting the radiator. He didn’t ask, out loud, if Shayne was finally feeling sick to his stomach, but his hand hovered near his own belly, as though in sympathy.
Shayne shook his head in an attempt at defiance – ironically, too busy fighting a wave of nausea to actually say anything.
Charlie nodded, not in understanding, but in acknowledgment of Shayne’s bullshit. “I’ll make you some tea. That usually helps you.”
“D-don’t... don’t be stupid,” Shayne choked out. Tea. He hadn’t made Charlie any tea. He’d brought him water, and crackers, and ibuprofen for his head and fever when he’d asked for them, but... not tea. Guilt fogged up his eyes. “Charlie, sit back down. You’re sick.”
“You’re sick. And you said you’re freezing, so I’m going to make you tea.” Charlie’s eyes, tired and sunken as they were, crinkled up at the corners with an easy smile as he started to move towards the hallway door. “I’m going through the kitchen anyway. I wanna go to the patio for some fresh air.”
Shayne’s whole body shuddered at the idea. Even the air directly outside his blanket was too much. “You’re crazy.”
“Well, then,” Charlie shrugged slowly, “you love a crazy person, so what does that say about you?”
God fucking damn it, Shayne thought, drawing the blanket a little closer to himself. He’s fucking right.
___
Charlie filled the kettle to halfway – maybe he’d have a cup of tea as well, if he managed to cool down – and put it on to boil. He flicked the button down with a bit of flair, tilting his hips as though there was music playing. Out of nowhere, he’d started feeling so much more active. Maybe all that resting had paid off, and now he could be productive. He started thinking about bringing his laptop into the sitting room to catch up on the slides from the lectures he’d missed while he was sick. That would save him a lot of stress next week.
It was already much cooler than the sitting room, but he still craved that fresh air he’d promised himself.
He sucked in a breath as he pushed open the patio door and let a gentle morning breeze drift over his face and neck. He took a couple of steps across the paved slabs. The cold creeping in through his socks barely registered. Birds were letting off calls through the forest, and the sound carried back and reverberated against the gable end of the house. The wind through the trees made the same sound as his breath made in his nose.
He breathed in again.
And then shuddered as he breathed out.
The morning was overcast, but the sun was up there somewhere, attempting to burn through the clouds. The resulting white light was like a million tiny daggers forcing their way into Charlie’s eye sockets.
His vision started to dissolve into dark spots. His knees didn’t just feel like they’d gone weak, they felt like they just... didn’t exist anymore. There had always been a low thrum of ickiness in his tummy, just a weakened echo of the pain and nausea from the previous few days, but now it sank its claws into his insides, dragging the weight of his organs towards his toes.
His flash of confidence was whisked away like a rug from under his feet – and the ground itself felt like it was being ripped away, too.
No, no, no. He absolutely did not want to faint out here. He couldn’t.
And yet –
Dark, dark, his vision was so dark, speckled with leaves and twigs and then with swirling shadows –
Charlie stumbled forward on unsteady feet, unseeing, praying there was nothing sharp or hard for him to step on. His hands flailed in search of the wooden banister that looped around the edge of the patio.
“Ah,” Charlie whispered out loud, triumphant. He sagged forward as his hands closed around the rain-dampened wood. He wondered if he’d have sagged even if he hadn’t found the banister with his hands. Would his head have found it, instead? He tried not to think too hard about that, because it made him feel woozy again.
He dropped his weight against the banister, leaning into his torso so his legs could recover from their jelly-like state. Breathing deeply seemed to steady him a bit, but it also dried him out, from the tip of his tongue all way down into his lungs and belly.
With each blink, thought, the ground came a little more into focus, and his head felt less like it was filled with bubble wrap being melted by a heat gun. He tried to pinpoint as many little details as he could, tethering himself to the scene as though he was returning to his body after a dissociative panic attack.
“Oh, fuck, are you okay?”
Charlie started. His neck was too stiff to lift his head as quickly as he wanted to, so Shayne was standing right next to him before he managed to look up.
“Um, yeah...” Charlie was still wondering whether or not he should say something about the dizzy spell and almost passing out, when he realised:
Shayne was now clutching the railing, too. He opened his mouth, like he was going to say something, but instead he leaned over the edge of the patio and retched over the side.
Charlie heaved a shaky sigh. “There it is.”
He had been deluding himself with the hope that the sickness wouldn’t hit Shayne’s stomach the way it had hit his. He looped an arm around his boyfriend’s waist. He was shaking even harder than Charlie was.
Shayne coughed deeply, his chest banging into the wooden railing, before he choked out a hoarse, and very displeased, “Fuck’s sake.”
It tickled Charlie just a bit, that Shayne still had the capacity to be pissed off, even in the middle of vomiting. He wondered if he was pissed off at the bug for getting to him, or at his body for allowing the bug to get to him. Probably both. Or just existence in general.
“Sorry.” Shayne gulped audibly, his shoulders shuddering as he tried to straighten himself up. He absently wiped his mouth with his sleeve. “I – I came out to – to ch-check on you.”
“Thank you,” Charlie said sincerely, though his voice was trembling. He rubbed a weak circle across Shayne’s lower back. His mind was racing, trying to land on some kind of plan for taking care of Shayne while he was still very much recovering himself. “Come on. Wanna get back in, out of the cold?”
Shayne shook his head, despite shivering miserably. “Not done.”
“Oh.”
“Mmhmm. You can go, though.”
Charlie took his hand off the railing and took a step back – just checking that he actually could go back inside without his knees buckling and his head hitting the paved slabs. He still felt like he hadn’t caught his breath, and his head still hurt, but he felt steadier.
He eyed the patio door to the kitchen. It was so tempting to retreat inside, away from the morning glare. He also needed a lot of water, he was realising. He’d been drinking a lot during his sickness, but he’d been sweating and puking most of it away. And as he’d just learned, he was no good to Shayne if he passed out, whether it was from light sensitivity, or dehydration, or any other reason.
Charlie’s legs and arms trembled as he let go of the banister. He felt like he was standing on ice skates, fighting just to stay balanced. “I’m just... going to the kitchen, lovely.”
“Mmm.” Shayne folded his arms on top of the railing and leaned forward again.
Charlie moved delicately through the kitchen, finding his hands grow steadier. He willed himself not to get carried away like last time. No flair, no silly little hip wiggles. He was still sick and he still needed to act like it.
He decided against making himself a cup of tea, and sipped on another glass of water instead.
He heard the patio door shut, and turned to see that Shayne had come back inside and headed straight for the kitchen table. He slumped down into a chair and buried his head in his arms, like he used to do as his school desk.
Worry and nostalgia wriggled in Charlie’s gut.
“Shayne?” he said gently, walking towards the table with a steaming mug.
He responded with a muffled groan.
“I made you some tea, cutie.” Charlie felt a genuine smile flicker across his face. “To settle your tummy.”
Shayne lifted his head up and blinked. He was horribly pale, the shadows under his eyes deepened. “What?”
Charlie left the mug down next to him and gestured to it. “It’s ginger.”
Shayne gave a flustered little groan.
“What?” Charlie asked.
“I t-told you not to.”
“You’re welcome.”
Shayne flinched again. “Sorry. Thank you...”
“It’s okay,” Charlie half-laughed, though he found no part of this funny. His nerves were all alight, his veins tingling with adrenaline like he was in the middle of a slow-creeping anxiety attack. It was just sinking in that he’d almost fainted out there on the patio. He could have hurt himself, badly, if he had.
And Shayne was struggling to keep still in the chair without shuddering. His hands were trembling so much that Charlie actually dreaded him trying to pick the mug up, so he picked it back up himself.
“Come on. Back to the warm.”
“Hurts,” Shayne mumbled.
“I know, lovely. I know it does.” Believe me, I know. Charlie tried to force a smile, even while his eyes threatened to fill up. “I can’t bear watching you shiver like this, though, so come on, please.”
Shayne stiffened and attempted to put his hands on the table to push himself up. “Sorry.”
“Would you stop saying you’re sorry?” Charlie exclaimed softly. It probably came out sounding a lot harsher than it did in his head, because it seemed to make Shayne flinch again. “You’re killing me, lovely.”
Charlie went first, glancing back to make sure he didn’t lose Shayne. He half-expected him to duck into the downstairs bathroom as they passed it, judging by the colour of his face and the hand that didn’t seem to want to leave his belly.
But they both reached the sofa again, and Charlie gestured for Shayne to get into the duvet, and he did.
“Comfy?”
Shayne shrugged, eyeing the mug Charlie had carried in for him. Charlie felt a little glow of accomplishment as he handed it over and Shayne willingly took it.
“Thanks.”
“You’re... you’re welcome,” Charlie sighed. He shut his eyes and let himself be swamped with the light-headedness he’d been fighting off on the walk from the kitchen to the sitting room. When he opened his eyes again, Shayne had wrapped his hands around the mug and held it close to his chest, like he wanted it to warm his insides, but hadn’t quite realised that drinking it would achieve that even faster.
His dark eyes, riddled with exhaustion, were pinned on Charlie.
“Are you okay?” he asked.
“Yep. No. I don’t know.”
“Sit down.”
Charlie did, ignoring the duvet. Those waves of skin-prickling heat and the panic hit him all at once, again. The flashes of that dark dream, that dark place, that had licked at his mind as he’d stepped outside. Shit. What could Shayne have realistically done in his state, if Charlie had blacked out on the patio and hurt himself?
It could have been bad.
“Love...” Shayne’s voice was a little hoarse after being sick. “Charlie, are you crying?”
He was, he realised. Tears even hotter than his skin settled in the corner of his eyes.
“I ju–” Charlie covered his mouth to hold in a sob, even though he realised that it was for nobody’s benefit. He sank down lower, tipping his head against Shayne’s shoulder. “I-I don’t know what to do.”
“What to do? Charlie, it’s fine. I can still do stuff for you, if – if you need something.”
“No. You can’t. You’re sick, too.”
Shayne shook his head. “Charlie, everything is okay. You’re panicking.”
“I think – I think I’m going to call my mum.” As soon as he said it, Charlie exhaled thoroughly, deeply. Yeah. That felt right.
He patted down his pockets, not finding his phone until he expanded his search to the sofa cushions underneath him. When he settled back down, getting ready to make the call, he glanced to the side and saw that Shayne was staring at him like he’d suggested contacting NASA and asking to borrow some of their equipment.
___
Shayne’s heart was racing frantically. He was certain that if his stomach hadn’t just been thoroughly emptied out on the patio, he’d have thrown up from the feeling that had inhabited his body.
The same feeling he’d had when he’d accidentally walked straight into the Waters’ house without knocking, making them think someone had just broken in; the same feeling he’d had after the first time he’d accidentally fallen asleep in Charlie’s room.
So much space, you take up so much –
Charlie put a hand on Shayne’s knee. “You okay?” he asked quietly, but then Ingrid answered her phone.
“Heya, sweetie!” Her voice was already dripping with sympathy when she answered the phone; Charlie text her since he’d gotten sick, so it wasn’t news to her. “Are you okay?”
“Not really.” Charlie was even more direct and honest with his mother than he was with Shayne, and hearing him admit so freely that he wasn’t okay made Shayne’s stomach lurch again.
He brought his tea to his lips, not daring to take a sip and yet desperate for something to do.
“No?” Ingrid asked.
“I can’t stand up for longer than a few minutes without feeling like I’m going to pass out –”
Shayne’s heart dropped. Wait, what?
“And now Shayne’s throwing up, too. I don’t – don’t know what to do.”
“Okay, take a deep breath, Char,” Ingrid said steadily. “I really doubt it’s anything serious. Are you staying hydrated? Plenty of fluids?”
“I-I’m trying to...”
“Good. Good. Eating something?”
“I had some toast this morning. I...” Charlie’s gaze flicked towards Shayne. His eyes flashed questioningly. “I can’t remember when...”
Shayne shook his head, suddenly feeling like he might be the one crying next. He hadn’t eaten since Charlie had come down with the bug, but he didn’t want to admit that, not with Ingrid on the phone.
“I’m going to come over and check on you both,” Ingrid said.
Shayne’s stomach felt like it was going down a funfair slide.
“And I’ll bring you a few bits that you might need. You shouldn’t be driving if you’re having dizzy spells,” Ingrid was saying. “I’ll leave in a few minutes, so I should... Hmm. I’ll be there around tea time.”
Through the drained look on Charlie’s face, there was a flicker of joy. What Shayne felt was a mixture of relief and guilt that he couldn’t quite wrestle any logic from; he was glad that Ingrid was coming for Charlie’s sake, but the fact that she was also coming due to him being sick made him want to set himself on fire.
Instead, he took a slow sip of his tea, which was so hot that it almost felt like setting his mouth on fire. It felt a little better when it reached his empty belly, warmth gently curling through his insides. He couldn't help but feel like he didn't deserve that small relief from the nausea and the cold.
How could he not have realised that Charlie was close to passing out when he'd found him earlier? Shayne had walked out onto the patio and spent all of three seconds checking on his boyfriend before turning into a shivering, puking mess.
The phone conversation seemed to be wrapping up. “Thanks, Mum.”
“See you soon, sweetie. Love you both.”
Shit.
“Love you.” Charlie hung up and let his phone slide down onto the couch. His attention was immediately fixed on Shayne. “Hey. You okay?”
He nodded insincerely.
“Come here.” Charlie seemed a bit more at ease now, which let Shayne lean into him for comfort with a little less guilt. He was so warm, even though the duvet was separating Shayne’s body from his. “Sorry I had to tell my mum you’re not feeling well.”
“It’s fine,” Shayne exhaled. “Sorry I didn’t... know you almost passed out.”
“Sorry I gave you my bug.” Charlie hummed in gentle amusement. At least he seemed calmer now. Calmer than he had since before he’d gotten sick. “We could do this all day, lovely, or we could try to get some sleep.”
Shayne tried and failed to suppress the shiver that began in the pit of his stomach and ended at the ends of his hair. “Mmm.”
“Drink your tea.” Charlie pressed a kiss into Shayne’s curls. “And know that you deserve to be taken care of."
Shayne almost choked as he tried to take a sip. His gaze flicked towards Charlie's face. "Um. So do you."
"I know that," Charlie whispered. "Just making sure you know it, too."
#StW Shayne#StW Charlie#emeto#emetophilia#sickfic#OC sickfic#hurt comfort#hurt and comfort#angst#im so tired what even are tags ahhh
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Hey! Thank you for your posts on DID. You don't have to answer this, but what was the process on diagnosis like for you? I booked an appointment with a Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner (full psychiatrists are harder to come by especially ones that mention dissociation) and hoping to be all around evaluated. This NP has experience at the McLean hospital which I like! But I have so many worries about it! "Do I need an *actual* psychiatrist to get a formal diagnosis?" "Will they actually do comprehensive testing?" (i personally want it to be comprehensive so I can feel secure its accurate) And the concerns go on. ANYWAYS.... yes. What was your experience like? Thank you btw! Have a good day!
This definitely depends on your location; I'm in the U.S., so my experience is purely in the U.S. Other people in different countries will have a different experience/process!
This became long because I felt like it might actually be super helpful for a lot of other people who might come across this and are wondering about a diagnosis of DID or OSDD.
For me, I am very anxious and hesitant to find any ol' psychiatrist/therapist, and even doctors outside of mental health fields, so whenever I found a place or a person that seemed to be trustworthy, I tried to look up if there were any reviews about them.
If any places had below 3-4 star ratings, I wouldn't trust it; even 3 stars felt like I was pushing it.
Of course the star ratings aren't the perfect picture, so I would read the reviews for myself.
If multiple people said things like:
They didn't listen, I felt invalidated and ignored...
They were very rude to me, kept interrupting me and wouldn't let me speak!
They just kept talking about their personal life, I couldn't talk about my own problems
And similar stuff, I knew that I didn't want to risk it.
There are other more "extreme" red flags too, like if a review says that a therapist tried to date them or a therapist tried to be sexually intimate with them, etc., those are some pretty obvious and Huge red flags (and illegal), so if any places have reviews like that: run the fuck the other way.
I would also check their website (and other websites they may have if they have them), and tried to check if they listed "DID/OSDD" as anything they were knowledgeable on and had experience being able to diagnose the disorders. Some places won't have DID/OSDD listed, but they might still list "trauma & dissociative disorders."
Regardless of whether or not these places have DID/OSDD or "trauma & dissociation" listed on their websites, etc., I would still find an email to contact therapists/individual places and directly ask them their experience, because just listing "yeah, I can diagnose DID" on their website doesn't automatically mean that they are ACTUALLY educated on it properly.
I also would then still go on to ask about things like what their stances are on LGBTQ+ issues and such, because a homophobic/transphobic therapist is probably a shit one. Bonus points if they're like mine and accept neopronouns and "weird" identities like catgender or something. And bonus points as well if they're also like my therapist and accepts self-diagnosis.
Here is a basic email I would write out:
Hello!
I am looking for a therapist that is knowledgeable about trauma and dissociation, with a focus on dissociative identity disorder (DID), as I am seeking a diagnosis of DID. If you aren't able to diagnose DID or if you aren't educated enough, do you think you could refer me to someone who is?
Thanks!
You can edit and change and add anything to this as needed if you want, of course.
If they respond saying that they can treat/diagnose DID, I then go on to ask further questions.
Some therapists offer a "sliding scale", which means that you pay out of pocket based on your income if you don't have insurance/don't have insurance that they take. Since I make no income, my boyfriend is able to pay out of pocket, and it's VERY cheap BECAUSE of the fact I make no income and because she offers a sliding scale, because she doesn't take my insurance. This is really going to depend on the therapist and your insurance, etc., so I would ask about insurance and options for payment, etc.
Of course, as I said, a therapist SAYING they can treat and diagnose DID/OSDD doesn't mean they're actually properly educated, so I would ask questions like this:
"What would you expect of daily life of a person with DID? What do you know about different presentations of dissociative disorders, like OSDD or polyfragmented DID?"
"What does healing for a DID system look like to you? What if a system wants to heal, but not fuse?"
"Do you do extra research on the disorders of your clients if you find yourself not up to date with something?"
"How would you react if a client had a history of intense and unusual trauma?" (Not always relevant, but definitely helpful if you feel it might be)
"What would you do if a client said that they'd gone through trauma that seemed unbelievable?"
"How would you treat a child alter? What if they went against your expectations or said they didn't want to be treated like a biological child?"
"How would you respond if a client disagreed with you and told you they had newer, backed up information about something?"
"What is your stance on "false memories"?"
"Do you try to keep as up-to-date as possible on newer research about different disorders?"
"How does DID develop?"
"What can switching look like to an outside person?"
"How distinct from each other do you think alters are?"
"Do you know about presentations of DID where alters are similar to each other, but still alters?"
"Do you view DID symptoms to have a spectrum of presentation?"
You don't have to ask all of these questions, but these are good things to ask!
Some signs that a therapist is not actually correctly educated on DID, or OSDD:
They are expecting you to "pass out" and switch
They are expecting your alters to be incredibly distinct with totally separate personalities, as if they are fully-fledged separate people, and if you don't have that presentation, tries to diagnose you with a different disorder (my old therapist tried to diagnose me with DPDR instead of DID because he was expecting my amnesia to be like fugue states)
They dismiss the possibility of you having DID because "your trauma isn't bad enough", "you can't remember your trauma", etc.
Dismisses memories you try to bring up because you previously had total amnesia for them and/or dismisses memories because they're "too extreme/unusual/bizarre/etc."
Asks you things like "what's the last thing you remember?" as if they are expecting total amnesia right then and there (my old therapist did this, and it made me extremely uncomfortable)
Only accepts switching to be like "feeling like you are possessed"
Treats child alters and acts like they are the same as a biological child
Dismisses you because you are strongly away of your alters and/or your alters are much more overt
Tries to force language on you that you aren't comfortable with
Tries to suppress alters that seem "bad"/have unhealthy behaviors such as self-harm, etc.
Tries to treat any specific alter(s) and/or the host as if they are the "real person"
Tries to force final fusion and doesn't believe that any other treatment method of DID/OSDD is okay/acceptable/healthy/etc.
Doesn't hold you responsible for your own behaviors (encouraging the "not me" aspect, which is encouraging dissociation and is discouraging you from taking responsibility for your own actions)
Again, you don't have to ask the therapist all of these questions, but these are all great things to keep in mind!
I will also say this, and I feel that this is the most important thing to keep in mind: if you end up finding a therapist/psychiatrist who doesn't believe you have DID (or OSDD) and instead diagnoses you with something else/tries to diagnose you with something else, it's absolutely okay to search for second, third, fourth, fifth opinions.
Like I said, I saw two different therapists for a diagnosis before finding my current one, both of which didn't think I had it and tried to diagnose me with other things instead.
Other people have had to find three different therapists, four different therapists, five, six, seven, and more, until they finally landed on one that properly diagnosed them. It doesn't mean you're faking or that you 100% don't have it.
Of course sometimes it does turn out you don't have DID or OSDD, but personally, if you go in for a diagnosis of DID/OSDD and get diagnosed with something else, but you feel like you still suspect DID/OSDD, it's perfectly fine to get other opinions, even if in the end it does turn out you have something else.
If you see one or two or three etc. therapists who say you don't have DID/OSDD and try to avoid diagnosing you, it doesn't mean you're faking or that you don't have it. Sometimes that therapist is just very misguided and uneducated, which makes them think you don't fit the criteria because of their own myths and misunderstandings and improper education, as was the case with the two people I saw.
I hope this helps, and I hope things work out okay for your appointment. Remember that if it sucks, hit da bricks!!!
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so about some of the traits and behaviours related to ASPD that can be upsetting or harmful to others (eg putting yourself and others at risk, not understanding or regarding the rights of others, etc), how do you deal with that in relationships (whether friends, dating, family, work)? like, when their side of an argument is that you’re being disrespectful or putting them at risk, but your side is that those are literally symptoms of ASPD and you weren’t actively trying to hurt them? they’re not wrong for feeling hurt still, but you’re not wrong for existing with this disorder. i realise it’s generally considered difficult for pwASPD to maintain relationships, but like, somehow you have to live your life and that involves a lot of interacting with people, plus pwASPD don’t deserve total isolation that they don’t want, obviously. apologies if the wording is confusing.
/genq /intending this respectfully
I appreciate this question and especially the way you worded it was actually super respectful, so thank you for that as well.
For me and many people with ASPD our social circles tend to be smaller and usually within that even fewer actually know about the disorder, which can make this especially tricky if they don't understand why we're acting this way. In that case, I personally do my best to take a step away from the situation and talk to people I trust who *do* know about my disorder to ask them AITA or not.
If they agree with me entirely, I stand my ground with the other person or remove them from my life if I feel it warrants that (which, with this disorder, I more often than not do if it wouldn't take much effort to cut them out of my life).
However, if the people I trust to help with my moral compass feel that I was entirely in the wrong, I will try and process that as a logical fact, practice faking remorse by myself, and apologize. Even if I don't feel remorse and the thing I did wrong came from my symptoms, I can personally still accept that the facts are that undue harm was caused to them.
My apologies tend to sound insincere so I've been told, but people tend to appreciate that I accept full responsibility, acknowledge the harm I caused, and work to change my actions, so they tend to see it as me seeming insincere vs actually being insincere. After all, I generally *don't* try to hurt the people around me, but if I did it anyway then it's probably worth trying not to repeat, if only for the practical purpose those people serve in my life.
I try really hard not to be the type of person, regardless of my PD, who says "this is how I am, get over it" without at least considering if I'm in the wrong. It took me many years to get to this point though, and I am able to admit that I was a pretty crappy friend at some points bc of my refusal to try and see where I was wrong. I used to feel that if I didn't feel remorse I should not have to show remorse, but I'm in the process of learning that's not accurate.
Remorse is best delivered from a heartfelt perspective, yes, but if that's not available storebought is fine. It's ok to have remorse be a practiced set of words and actions that you do when people are upset, so long as your apologies at least come from a place where you intend to try to change. That change doesn't have to be not having symptoms, but it's reasonable for people to expect your symptoms not to constantly negatively impact them.
All that said, if it's something I truly cannot change about myself, my side of the conversation usually looks like this, with adjustments based on what exactly the issue is (feel free to use this as a script of sorts if you have trouble talking through these things with ppl in your life! YMMV, but I spent a long time formulating it, so it deserves as much use as it can get lol). Keep in mind a lot of this is gonna sound like I don't have ASPD and that is on purpose. In my personal relationships I prioritize apologies and times when others are upset as times I choose to mask. That is honestly more for me than for them except for my Exceptions bc it’s extremely frustrating for me to navigate what is and is not coming off as angry, dismissive, etc. so I prefer to mask heavily during these kinds of conversations. You do not have to mask if you do not want to; it should not be the expectation of NT people/pwoPDs that we mask for their comfort.
If they know about my PD: "I don't want to hide behind this or use it as an excuse, but what you're talking about is a symptom of my personality disorder. I put in a lot of work to avoid these symptoms affecting other people, but at the end of the day I still have a disorder and some things are just not able to go away. What I can do is find out how this is hurting you. If it's my tone and not my words, there isn't much I can do about it besides remind you that my tone is often non-reflective of my intention and emotions. If it's my words, we can work together on a phrasing that would be more comfortable for you in the future. It will come across as scripted, but that doesn’t change the fact that I mean it. I would just be using that phrasing because it’s important to me not to hurt you. If it's a specific action, I can try to not repeat it. But I cannot get rid of the disorder and part of being in my life is understanding that and trying to find ways we can both cope without me having to mask all the time. That is exhausting and unrealistic unfortunately. Can you explain to me what exactly was the issue with what I said/did and how it made you feel so we can understand each other better?”
If they don't: "I get that what I said/did came off differently than I intended and hurt you. I'd like to know specifically what about it hurt you in your own words so that we can come up with a solution to avoid this in the future. I know it may feel obvious, and I basically already know (sometimes with neurotypicals you just need to LIE) what was hurtful. I just feel if you explain it to me, we can target it together better and I will be able to be a better friend/partner/coworker in the future. If you don't communicate that to me, I might accidentally end up making things worse and I don't want to do that. Think about it this way, if what I said made you angry and I thought it made you sad, however I try to rephrase it is probably just going to make you angrier since I’d be looking at it in the wrong context and that warrants a different response.”
If something is 100% unfixable, resort to a gentle version of old reliable "this is who I am" speech: "I understand that you're upset and the goal here was not to hurt you. I don't enjoy seeing you upset and what I did/said wasn't intentionally malicious. But that said, it is kind of just something about me that I talk/act like that sometimes. If it helps to know it isn't anything against you, great. I can give you that reassurance any time you need, just ask instead of assuming ok? If not, I think it may just not be possible for us to see as much of each other or maybe be in each others' lives. I don't want you hurt and if a part of my personality is hurting you, then you deserve to be happy. I want you to be happy and I would wish you all the best in that."
The difference about saying that last one now vs when I used to is that now I am both using much gentler wording and only saying this when I honestly believe the only thing I can do to help this person protect their own peace is to not be in their life. Inevitably, people tend to push after this "no I can handle it, I don't want to lose you", and I usually try and discourage it once and say "look I don't want to be the reason you're hurt and have you bottle it up until you resent me and then lash out at me. I want to protect both of us." If that still doesn't work, gotta be honest, it's their funeral at that point bc you said you could handle it, you said it wasn't that big a deal, you're a grown person and it's your job to either mean what you say or take responsibility if you don't.
Sorry for writing a novel! This stuff is complex and it’s hard to explain my process concisely. I hope this answers your question though.
#actually antisocial#actually aspd#antisocial personality disorder#aspd#aspd awareness#aspd culture#aspd-culture-is#aspd traits#anons welcome#actually cluster b#cluster b pd#cluster b#aspd stigma
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Bipolar 1 Disorder
So there have been a few people, who on this post, weren't sure what Bipolar 1 Disorder is. Keep in mind this varies for everyone, but I'll give you the medical definition, and what it personally feels like, for me.
Also feel free to rb with questions, or how these things feel/affect you, or just to spread awareness.
CWs: manic episodes, depressive episodes, hallucinations, delusions, intrusive and impulsive thoughts, suicide ideation and thoughts of suicide, car crash mention, medication
According to this website, NIMH Bipolar 1 Disorder is:
Bipolar I disorder is defined by manic episodes that last for at least 7 days (nearly every day for most of the day) or by manic symptoms that are so severe that the person needs immediate medical care. Usually, depressive episodes occur as well, typically lasting at least 2 weeks. Episodes of depression with mixed features (having depressive symptoms and manic symptoms at the same time) are also possible. Experiencing four or more episodes of mania or depression within 1 year is called “rapid cycling.”
Again, every individual experiences this differently, and this won't be completely true for all individuals, but this is a good place to start your research(I do not agree with all the information in this, but it's one of the most credible sources I have). And again, you should definitely do your research, not everyone experiences this like I do.
Okay, so most of this has to do with, or is tied to emotions and feelings. Which makes explaining it harder. But bear with me here.
First, manic and depressive episodes are two extremes. And like you can feel both at the same time, despite how polar opposite they can seem, but both of them are still two extremes.
Now manic episodes in particular are interesting, because like, for me, most of the time they're chaotic and happy. But there have been a few times where I'm irrationally angry. However, at least until I reblog this with probably more information, I'm going to focus on the more happy chaotic side of manic episodes, because that's the main thing I have experience with.
During these happy chaotic moods, these manic episodes, I feel like I'm on top of the world. I legitimately think laws don't apply to me, which is not a good thing. I'm more likely to act on my impulsive thoughts, and thoughts that would usually be intrusive, become impulsive. Like, for example, burning down a building with people in it, usually that would be an intrusive thought for me, but when I'm manic, all of a sudden, I do not care about human lives, and it seems like the most fun thing I could do(this is an example of where my mind could take me). So it takes what would usually be an intrusive thought for me and turns it into an impulsive one. And while my manic episodes don't usually last for a week(has happened a few times), they do get really bad. And I will be a danger to myself or others because of these episodes. I am also like so much more honest, because I don't see the point in lying, lying takes more effort than it's worth in these episodes, which is not great when you're closeted. Thankfully I am mostly left alone when I'm like this, and have never been asked about my identity during an episode.
And while yes manic episodes can be, and in most cases are, dangerous, I can usually do my best writing/painting/drawing during these episodes. I find that I'm more creative, with ideas flowing out of me, and as long as I'm sitting at my computer or easel, I'm not nearly as dangerous.
As for depressive episodes, those are different. Er... I don't think I can explain them very well tbh. But I'll try my best.
Depressive episodes are interesting, because they themselves aren't depression. Depression is a completely different feeling. Like, don't get me wrong, depressive episodes contain depression, but that's not all they do. Depressive episodes make it harder to do anything, but in a different way than depression does. Like, at least for me, with regular depression, I can still be objective about the day that I've had. Where as with depressive episodes that reasoning that I have with myself is like, taken away? And like, depending on how bad it is, it's harder to fight off certain thoughts. And these episodes can last a few hours to a few weeks for me. I'm not explaining it well, because it sounds like regular depression, but as someone who has regular depression and depressive episodes, there's a difference in the feeling. Like depressive episodes contain depression and the hardships that come with it, but make it worse and have a different feel to them. Like, with normal depression, I might think about killing myself, but I'll be able to tell myself no, and why I'm valued. With depressive episodes, the worst one I had I almost crashed my car on purpose, and it took everything in me to not do that. (And that was when I was on my meds, so I'm very glad I didn't have it while off of them).
Now, I experience hallucinations and delusions as well and while not everyone with bipolar 1 disorder experiences this, it is common. And like it's interesting because it can be caused by manic and depressive episodes, usually manic, but with me, it's more of an everyday type thing? Like, they're stronger when I'm manic, but I still get them when I'm not experiencing manic or depressive episodes. With the hallucinations bit, I'll see shapes floating in the air, or hear a few words loudly or even a distant conversation that I just can't make out the words too. Along with some sensory hallucinations, where I'll feel random stings or crawling sensations on my skin. With delusions it's more like I believe something that is so obviously false. One common thing that happens with me, is I'll believe I'm a literal disney princess, like I'm the daughter of Ariel or something. And again, when I'm manic it's worse than when I'm not. So like, a delusion that will usually take me a few hours to break out of, might take me a few days. And hallucinations that are more obvious, become harder for me to tell the difference between, say a see through figure on the streets, and what looks almost like a full body person. (Although it's usually shapes that I see, but I have seen what looked to be a person a few times even though there was no one there). And like, sometimes my hallucinations and delusions will team up, and to keep with the previous example, I will envision the dining room in my house as this big grand ballroom, even though it is literally not big enough to be as spacious as what I'm literally seeing with my eyes. The only hint that my hallucinations aren't real is they will be slightly see through, like, even the most vivid ones I can slightly see through, but some are harder to see through than others.
Again, just to reiterate my point here, this is what I go through. Not everyone who has bipolar 1 disorder will go through these like I do. It is NOT a universal experience.
#glacier rambles#sort of#bipolar 1 disorder#manic episodes#depressive episodes#depression#suicide thoughts#suicidal ideation#mentions of thoughts of suicide#mentions of suicidal ideations#i am not currently planning on killing myself i promise#the tags make more sense if you read the post i swear#hallucinations#delusions#car crash mention#medication
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