Bipolar 1 Disorder

So there have been a few people, who on this post, weren't sure what Bipolar 1 Disorder is. Keep in mind this varies for everyone, but I'll give you the medical definition, and what it personally feels like, for me.

Also feel free to rb with questions, or how these things feel/affect you, or just to spread awareness.

CWs: manic episodes, depressive episodes, hallucinations, delusions, intrusive and impulsive thoughts, suicide ideation and thoughts of suicide, car crash mention, medication

According to this website, NIMH Bipolar 1 Disorder is:

Bipolar I disorder is defined by manic episodes that last for at least 7 days (nearly every day for most of the day) or by manic symptoms that are so severe that the person needs immediate medical care. Usually, depressive episodes occur as well, typically lasting at least 2 weeks. Episodes of depression with mixed features (having depressive symptoms and manic symptoms at the same time) are also possible. Experiencing four or more episodes of mania or depression within 1 year is called “rapid cycling.”

Again, every individual experiences this differently, and this won't be completely true for all individuals, but this is a good place to start your research(I do not agree with all the information in this, but it's one of the most credible sources I have). And again, you should definitely do your research, not everyone experiences this like I do.

Okay, so most of this has to do with, or is tied to emotions and feelings. Which makes explaining it harder. But bear with me here.

First, manic and depressive episodes are two extremes. And like you can feel both at the same time, despite how polar opposite they can seem, but both of them are still two extremes.

Now manic episodes in particular are interesting, because like, for me, most of the time they're chaotic and happy. But there have been a few times where I'm irrationally angry. However, at least until I reblog this with probably more information, I'm going to focus on the more happy chaotic side of manic episodes, because that's the main thing I have experience with.

During these happy chaotic moods, these manic episodes, I feel like I'm on top of the world. I legitimately think laws don't apply to me, which is not a good thing. I'm more likely to act on my impulsive thoughts, and thoughts that would usually be intrusive, become impulsive. Like, for example, burning down a building with people in it, usually that would be an intrusive thought for me, but when I'm manic, all of a sudden, I do not care about human lives, and it seems like the most fun thing I could do(this is an example of where my mind could take me). So it takes what would usually be an intrusive thought for me and turns it into an impulsive one. And while my manic episodes don't usually last for a week(has happened a few times), they do get really bad. And I will be a danger to myself or others because of these episodes. I am also like so much more honest, because I don't see the point in lying, lying takes more effort than it's worth in these episodes, which is not great when you're closeted. Thankfully I am mostly left alone when I'm like this, and have never been asked about my identity during an episode.

And while yes manic episodes can be, and in most cases are, dangerous, I can usually do my best writing/painting/drawing during these episodes. I find that I'm more creative, with ideas flowing out of me, and as long as I'm sitting at my computer or easel, I'm not nearly as dangerous.

As for depressive episodes, those are different. Er... I don't think I can explain them very well tbh. But I'll try my best.

Depressive episodes are interesting, because they themselves aren't depression. Depression is a completely different feeling. Like, don't get me wrong, depressive episodes contain depression, but that's not all they do. Depressive episodes make it harder to do anything, but in a different way than depression does. Like, at least for me, with regular depression, I can still be objective about the day that I've had. Where as with depressive episodes that reasoning that I have with myself is like, taken away? And like, depending on how bad it is, it's harder to fight off certain thoughts. And these episodes can last a few hours to a few weeks for me. I'm not explaining it well, because it sounds like regular depression, but as someone who has regular depression and depressive episodes, there's a difference in the feeling. Like depressive episodes contain depression and the hardships that come with it, but make it worse and have a different feel to them. Like, with normal depression, I might think about killing myself, but I'll be able to tell myself no, and why I'm valued. With depressive episodes, the worst one I had I almost crashed my car on purpose, and it took everything in me to not do that. (And that was when I was on my meds, so I'm very glad I didn't have it while off of them).

Now, I experience hallucinations and delusions as well and while not everyone with bipolar 1 disorder experiences this, it is common. And like it's interesting because it can be caused by manic and depressive episodes, usually manic, but with me, it's more of an everyday type thing? Like, they're stronger when I'm manic, but I still get them when I'm not experiencing manic or depressive episodes. With the hallucinations bit, I'll see shapes floating in the air, or hear a few words loudly or even a distant conversation that I just can't make out the words too. Along with some sensory hallucinations, where I'll feel random stings or crawling sensations on my skin. With delusions it's more like I believe something that is so obviously false. One common thing that happens with me, is I'll believe I'm a literal disney princess, like I'm the daughter of Ariel or something. And again, when I'm manic it's worse than when I'm not. So like, a delusion that will usually take me a few hours to break out of, might take me a few days. And hallucinations that are more obvious, become harder for me to tell the difference between, say a see through figure on the streets, and what looks almost like a full body person. (Although it's usually shapes that I see, but I have seen what looked to be a person a few times even though there was no one there). And like, sometimes my hallucinations and delusions will team up, and to keep with the previous example, I will envision the dining room in my house as this big grand ballroom, even though it is literally not big enough to be as spacious as what I'm literally seeing with my eyes. The only hint that my hallucinations aren't real is they will be slightly see through, like, even the most vivid ones I can slightly see through, but some are harder to see through than others.

Again, just to reiterate my point here, this is what I go through. Not everyone who has bipolar 1 disorder will go through these like I do. It is NOT a universal experience.

I find it so hard these days to create poems like I used to.

I felt the things I put together so deeply that it was almost painful.

I can't get over how now that I feel better I can no longer create.

That my poems only came from my pain and that I have no pain left to write about.

Of course there are things I do have to write about, but the words just don't come to me like they used to.

It hurts that my creativity stemmed from the state of mind I was in,

that the beautiful part of my pain has to leave in order for me to just be better.

it's for the better though isn't it? I am not hurting anymore. I am not so crazy that I cannot do anything, that I can have a job and go to school again. That I can be myself, who I used to be before all that happened. I have to believe that it's better, that it'll only continue to get better. I have to or else I think I'll lose sight of everything that matters to me because if it doesn't get better what will everything have been for? I still like to write, but the words just don't come to me. Maybe instead of looking for the pain inside me to write, I should just write from my heart instead.

Image by Екатерина Гусева from Pixabay I got home from work around 5:30PM, which was like an hour and a half ago. I ate homemade Pizza for dinner, courtesy of my mama, after not eating all day at work. So, now I am not doing anything and have no plans for tonight. I figured now is a good time to create another personal blog post. TGIF (Thank God It’s Friday), because I need a break after a busy…

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Life Is Beautiful: Hopes and Dreams

Hi! I’m Ally and my alias is Nightingale At Dawn Writes. I have a mood condition and I was first diagnosed with Major Depression in 2000. I had a life changing situation then that I wasn’t able to handle, hence, I had severe depression. Different psychological tests were done. I had consultations then with a psychiatrist until 2001.

In 2001, I studied the Basic Course and the Advance Course in Interior Design at the Philippine School of Interior Design. During this time, I stopped seeing a psychiatrist. I believe studying this course greatly helped in diverting my attention and I had an “outlet” then. I’ve always wanted to study Interior Design. This was my second choice for the courses to study when I took up the entrance exam in U.P. Los Baños.

Everything was going well until 2006. This was the time that we had to seek help again with a psychiatrist. I was diagnosed with Bipolar 1 Disorder with Major Depression. I had monthly consultations then with my psychiatrist and I was taking medications.

Then sometime in 2015, I wasn’t taking my medications and I was planning to commit suicide. An Angel told me not to do that and think of the family I will leave behind if I do this. I don’t need to name names but you know who you are!

Then in 2019, I started having consultations with a psychiatrist in Los Baños. I have been in her care ever since then and I must say she’s one of the best psychiatrists we have known.

In March 2022, I was admitted in a medical facility for two months. That’s just a few weeks away and I’m writing this as it will be almost two years since then. I wasn’t taking my medications then, hence, I had to be admitted in a medical facility.

I know there’s a stigma in the Philippines for people like me who have mental illnesses. That’s the reason why I’m here in Canada and being with the people who love me unconditionally.

Moving forward, I have promised myself to do better and be a better version of myself. To love myself first before others. I will always be a work in progress as I don’t believe in perfection.

I have also been closer to God. He will always be my “flashlight”. I know that any struggles I will have moving forward, He will help me get through them. I trust His plans for me.

I will also serve as the light to those in darkness. I will lead them to the righteous path and have purpose driven lives. It’s an amazing journey and I believe that life is beautiful… It will always be!

I will forever chase my dreams. Like what I have mentioned, I have big dreams not only for myself but also for my family.

I know that the next chapter in my story will be amazing! I’ll always be counting my blessings as I am gifted and blessed!

IAN GALLAGHER + his journey with bipolar disorder

╰┈➤ “At times, being bipolar can be an all-consuming challenge, requiring a lot of stamina and even more courage, so if you’re living with this illness and functioning at all, it’s something to be proud of, not ashamed of." - Carrie Fisher

Bipolar Creecur. I take requests.

THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH??? (Speaking about the Autism and PMDD statistic specifically)

twitter is mad at me but none of them will actually give me a legitimate reason outside of quote tweeting me on private accounts bc one person claimed my video about dutch demonized bipolar disorder but listed off a bunch of things i straight up never said or did in that video. so. that's interesting.

Should I write a fic where the main character has bipolar 1 disorder like I do? /gq

It's not as simple as 'reaching out'

I HATE when people state that people with mental illness have to reach out for help and can't expect people to deal with them until they heal, as if it's as simple as calling a helpline and then we're miraculously cured.

For the past 10 years I have been 'reaching out'. I have seen psychologists, counsellors, psychiatrists, social workers, peer support workers. I've been hospitalised 9 times (3 of which I was involuntarily sectioned). I've tried 15 different psychotropic medications including anti-depressants, mood stabilisers & anti-psychotics. I've tried countless forms of therapy - DBT, ACT, CBT, Art/ music therapy, schema, cognitive analytical therapy etc.

I have reached out and was met with: 18 month waiting lists for specialist help Dismissive & gaslighting doctors who don't listen or even want to help Therapists who refuse to work with me because of my BPD diagnosis Being told I'm 'too complex' and my conditions are never going to get better Being completely sedated by medication because doctors would rather me not be an issue to others instead of actually helping me

Blamed for the abuse I sustained as a child and traumatising things that have happened to me and being completely re-traumatised

All this and then I get the honour of paying $200p/h for these 'professionals' to 'help' me.

I have been dehumanised and vilified by almost every doctor/ psych I have seen over the past 10 years. Not listened to , over medicated and left hollowed out, worse off and hopeless; so no... it's not as simple as 'reaching out' and mentally ill people deserve healthy relationships even if we aren't in therapy.

Manic Vents: March 11th, 2024

Photo by Iulia Mihailov on Unsplash It is 12:45 a.m. and I am more on the manic side right now. I should have gone to bed hours ago so that I could get enough sleep for work tomorrow. I am going to hate myself in the morning and I already know it. Lately, after my alarm goes off, I will set another alarm for 7:20 a.m. so that I can get 20 more minutes of sleep. Or I will go right downstairs at 7…

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idk who needs to hear this but your manic episodes are valid even if you don’t think you’re actions were “crazy” enough

An episode of mania almost always always always starts out so euphorically, makes you feel like you’re on the perfect drug, makes your confidence and motivation sky rocket and has you romanticizing all the fun it baits you with. It feels so amazing, you feel like nothing can hurt you or get to you.

Then the irritability comes, genuine rage, such an uncomfortable and overwhelming increase in libido, dangerous impulses, social behavior to be humiliated from by the time you crash, severe sleep deprivation that disorients the fuck out of you the longer you go without it, without even feeling tired at all. But feeling completely out of control. And if it escalates, Lord help you. Hallucinations, bad paranoia, black outs, substance abuse (or relapse if you happen to be recovering), delusions, everything that could get you into a psych ward. It isn’t fun at the end and any pleasure you feel is completely illusionary.

The worst part is I still normally never want it to stop. Because the depression after, which gets so ugly and terrible the longer, more intense the mania is, is something I’m not looking forward to at all. That, and mania can really sometimes convince you that you love it. I’m not wanting to go there though, because I have a lot to lose. Even if I don’t lose anything, I’m tired of this cycle and just can’t afford to desire it anymore. So I’m managing where I can, but wow it’s just scary to watch it take you higher and higher into it, and further and further away from yourself.

This is precisely why I despise any sort of stigma toward bipolar disorder. It’s so misunderstood, misquoted, and mistreated. I just really want and need some help. My hands are so sweaty and shaky, my heart and my mind are racing, I can’t stop talking, I can’t eat. I can’t focus, I can only fixate. And it’s just so overwhelming already.

Manic episode bingo! (Written at 3am during a manic episode lmao)

For bipolar, schizoaffective, cyclothymic disorder, and the like (if you have manic episodes, use it! I don’t really care what mental illness causes yours. All is valid which is why I made it as inclusive as possible, so no gatekeepers or ableists though I know saying this won’t stop anyone)

Here’s mine 🔥🎉📸👁️🫦👁️✨💥💪

I see so many memes for other mental disorders so I decided to make some for my bipolar besties <3