An episode of mania almost always always always starts out so euphorically, makes you feel like you’re on the perfect drug, makes your confidence and motivation sky rocket and has you romanticizing all the fun it baits you with. It feels so amazing, you feel like nothing can hurt you or get to you.

Then the irritability comes, genuine rage, such an uncomfortable and overwhelming increase in libido, dangerous impulses, social behavior to be humiliated from by the time you crash, severe sleep deprivation that disorients the fuck out of you the longer you go without it, without even feeling tired at all. But feeling completely out of control. And if it escalates, Lord help you. Hallucinations, bad paranoia, black outs, substance abuse (or relapse if you happen to be recovering), delusions, everything that could get you into a psych ward. It isn’t fun at the end and any pleasure you feel is completely illusionary.

The worst part is I still normally never want it to stop. Because the depression after, which gets so ugly and terrible the longer, more intense the mania is, is something I’m not looking forward to at all. That, and mania can really sometimes convince you that you love it. I’m not wanting to go there though, because I have a lot to lose. Even if I don’t lose anything, I’m tired of this cycle and just can’t afford to desire it anymore. So I’m managing where I can, but wow it’s just scary to watch it take you higher and higher into it, and further and further away from yourself.

This is precisely why I despise any sort of stigma toward bipolar disorder. It’s so misunderstood, misquoted, and mistreated. I just really want and need some help. My hands are so sweaty and shaky, my heart and my mind are racing, I can’t stop talking, I can’t eat. I can’t focus, I can only fixate. And it’s just so overwhelming already.

yes

you just wake up one day in a Mood™ with endless energy and then say stupid shit like 'no i'm not manic i haven't even had the time to do my Shopping yet'

Things that sound bad but are probably smart: I have money set aside for a surprise manic episode

ive been walking so much the skin behind my ankle got scraped off

“Bro... why did this hypomanic episode come on so strong?? What’s happening?? Why!!!”

Ok yeah it’s going from like 30 degrees to 66 within the span of like a day.... I think the weather do be doing that

Hypomania reminds me of how much of a husk of a human being I am

Having a life-threatening mental illness and med non-compliance or complacency with taking meds has got to be one of the top worst combinations ever wtf

It doesn't get worse, it doesn't get better

You just get old, it lasts forever

Can't get happy, can't get sad

It's hard to do

When I’m mentally ill and heavily medicated

Psychiatrists be like, oh you're manic? Here take this pill that will make you depressed instead

I AM SO MANIC I WANT TO HIT MY HEAD AGAINST THE WALL

really not a fan of being manic or hypomanic and temporarily having the energy to have consistent conversations with everyone in my life but inevitably crashing and pretty much disappearing for weeks or months because I’m exhausted

Me to friend: " I feel kinda restless and energetic. Kinda like I'm buzzing"

Friend: "oh, then go for a walk and use your body!"

Me, who have bipolar and who know that I might be on the border to enter hypomania which can certainly be triggered if I actually act on my energetic impulses: "...... don't tempt me"