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glowingbadger · 2 years

Note

Can I ask for the other Genshin boys for that past modern day au? Like how you described Kaeya and Diluc but with the others? Off the top of my head: Thoma, Childe, Zhongli, Kazuha, Xiao, Venti….and anyone else you like that I’m forgetting pls? Ty!

Whoo boy, we've got a lot of Very Good Boys to talk about- buckle up folks, let's talk Modern au (these will be a bit shorter/more general than the Kaeya and Diluc ones, since we've got so many guys to talk about)

Here's what I wrote for those two, if you're curious!

hey, uh... Idk if this is gonna make someone mad at me, but in thinking about this, I've realized that I genuinely can't sexualize Venti? Like, my brain just... won't do it? So just as a heads-up, if he's who you're here for, his headcanons are going to be very tame.

Thoma, Childe, Zhongli, Kazuha, Xiao, Venti

x GN Reader

Modern AU Headcanons - SFW & NSFW

Thoma

- He's the head of security for an up-and-coming politician and humanitarian (Ayaka, duh). He's intensely dedicated to his job, though he doesn't give the uptight, neurotic appearance of your typical workaholic. In truth, he seems very friendly with his boss, and the way he tells it, the hardest part of his job is delicately fielding intrusive paparazzi questions about the "nature of his relationship" with Ms. Kamisato. Most imagine that he must make good money in this line of work, but he lives simply but comfortably.

- As your partner though, he's endlessly dedicated, leaving no room to doubt that his heart belongs to you and you alone. He has an encyclopedic understanding of your favorite foods, sweets, drinks, animals, colors, and so on, so he's incredibly good at birthdays and anniversaries. He likes to keep a small vase of your favorite flowers around as often as possible, and he bakes something for the two of you at least once a week.

- He generally lets you take the lead in bed, unless you really want him in charge, in which case, he's an excellent service top. Dedication to his work and his general "friendly towards everyone" attitude have made him well liked, but he hasn't pursued many romantically or sexually in the past- I may even consider him demisexual, frankly. But with you, he savors the chance for you two to bond over your mutual pleasure, get to know each other's bodies, and try new things together. And you can be sure that he's an absolute expert at oral, and absolutely loves to feel your thighs tremble and your nails in his hair as he services you.

Childe

- Tartaglia actually has a pretty droll office job that he doesn't put too much thought into- it's only for money to fund his not-so-secret adrenaline junky habits. Skydiving, drag racing, whatever he can get access to, if it gets his heart pounding, he'll try it at least once no matter how dangerous. Given time and the opportunity to get antsy enough, he'll eventually even start seeking out fights in sketchy areas of town, perhaps even landing in a "fight club" type circle. Of course, he'll rapidly rise to being "the one to beat" among those types, and hardly if ever has to worry about coming to work with visible injuries.

- He's a tough one to pin down, and it's likely you'll hook up once or twice before settling into a consistent relationship. If you can keep up with him though, he's a lot of fun to be with, always ready for the chance for the two of you to experience something new together. He also has no reservations about spoiling you with that white-collar salary of his, and if you protest, he'll just find sneakier ways to get you expensive gifts and meals. It's rare for him to express his affection verbally, but when he does, there's a fire in his often-cold eyes that shows he means it.

- Definitely as intense about sex as he is about all of his other pleasurable pursuits in life, and definitely a rough type. It's particularly fun to tease him with racy photos and texts throughout the day, knowing full well that he realizes you're trying to rile him up. On days like this, you can expect to be pounded against the wall, over countertops, and in multiple positions on his bed. And frankly, he loves it when you "fight back" a bit, trying to get control over the pace or giving him attitude, only to get fucked even deeper and harder.

Zhongli

- He's a well liked history professor at the college level, but has to constantly remind himself not to let on that he was literally, physically present for many of the events discussed. It's very easy to send him off on a tangent that takes up most of the class period- just ask something about the food or drink or art of a certain era, and he'll go off, not even caring much that he's abandoned the "official" curriculum. His classes are very sought out, but it's hard to know exactly what you're actually going to learn on any given day. (Also, and this may go without saying, he's been so engrossed in study and culture and academia for so long that he has no concept of certain practical things like budgeting and is constantly broke- though most don't realize that he's always been Like That)

- Zhongli, as a man of maturity and experience, is a very considerate and conscientious partner. If he makes tea for himself, he makes sure to make enough for you as well, and when he goes out to run an errand or two, he'll stop by a bakery on the way to pick up something for you. Though he may not come across as outwardly affectionate in his words or body language, he takes care of you as much as you let him, and makes it clear through little gifts and favors that he treasures you. As a hobby, he sometimes works with clay, and will make a cute and tasteful little vase or teacup or pendant for you on your birthday, anniversaries, etc.

- He doesn't have the highest sex drive generally, but when the mood hits him, he's incredibly intense and passionate. Zhongli has immense stamina, and is more than happy to please you several times over before chasing his own climax. Plus, given his very dignified bearing, you might not expect how kinky he can get if encouraged. He's been around a while, and has developed an appreciation for the wide range of ways to share pleasure with someone.

Kazuha

- Classic semi-stoned roommate with a Creative Writing major, tbh. He loves bizarre, artsy older films that no one's ever heard of, or wandering into a cafe or bar and genuinely enjoying the local live band playing there- but he's utterly and completely unpretentious about it. He just genuinely loves experiencing art and the creative spirit in as many ways as possible. Likely works at a local gallery or coffee shop, and probably could be 'higher up' at work, but doesn't feel the need to climb the ladder as long as he can pay rent.

- Kazuha may come across as a bit too laid back as a partner, but he's always there for you when it matters- he just thinks that a relationship should be comfortable and pleasant for both of you as often as possible. He loves sharing music together, so it's not unusual to spend an evening just lying in his bed and chatting, alternating who plays the next song from their phone. Unsurprisingly, he also loves outdoor dates- camping, hiking, etc, and he's in surprisingly good shape for how relaxed he seems.

- He's fairly sexually flexible, and will naturally respond to his partner's wants and needs- but overall, I would actually consider him something of a power bottom. You can tie him up or mount and ride him, but he'll still meet you with a steady, heated stare, and encourage you with surprisingly filthy praise. He's gentle by default, and very sensation focused, getting lost in all of the wonderful little details of your body. That said, he's extremely open to trying out any sort of kink or experimentation you might like, and considers such things a natural part of exploring pleasure together.

Xiao

- He's ex-military, and now works various labor-oriented day jobs while streaming a wide range of FPS games at night. He absolutely does not have a facecam, and won't even respond to followers asking him about it. He also resolutely refuses to talk about his difficult background, or the things he saw in the line of duty. But a sizeable contingent of his fans are convinced that he must be insanely handsome. Largely though, he's popular within a niche of viewers who are completely blown away by his sheer skill. His commentary is sparse, but if you're paying attention, it's clear that he knows way more about legitimate combat than your typical streamer, leading to rampant speculation.

- As a partner, he takes a long time to get used to typical "couple" things, like messaging each other during the day just to say hi, wearing each other's hoodies, that kind of thing. It's not that he dislikes it, it just doesn't come naturally to him at all. Honestly, he may even be a bit confused at first. He loves hearing from you, but why would you interrupt your day to message him when you can just come see him later?

- Sexually, he's not very experienced to start, but the man is dedicated for sure. His instinct is to be pretty rough, but you might not realize it until you've been together a few times- he's so worried about hurting you that you'll likely have to convince him that it's okay to get a bit more intense. He's not very vocal in bed, but he is extremely handsy and a bit bitey, so there won't be a doubt in your mind that he wants you desperately.

Venti

- Venti has a kind of cycle over the centuries. Every couple decades or so, he'll arrive on the pop scene and rapidly rise as a top idol, absolutely revelling in the attention and the ability to perform at such a massive scale, bringing music and excitement to so many people. He's also a massive troll in interviews and with the paparazzi, doing everything he can to produce ridiculous photos and silly, sometimes contradictory responses to the most common interview questions. Eventually though, to hide his pseudo-perpetual lifespan among other things, he'll get a bit overly involved in his booze and a couple minor scandals, either carefully orchestrating his slow disappearance from the public eye, or going out in a huge media flury or even faking his death- depending on how he's feeling this time around. Online conspiracy websites have definitely tried to make the argument that this handful of youthful, charming young singers are all the same person, but they're generally laughed off.

- He's extremely fun as a partner- always up for a party, a concert, or just a rowdy night of drinks with close friends and a hilariously bad movie. Venti always has a list of fun places you could go, new food or (even better) drinks to try, and so on- though of course, one of his favorite ways to spend a weekend night is at karaoke with you and a small group. He is capable of being more subdued and serious, but you'll find that he tends to respond to these moments of vulnerability with you by bouncing back into something more fun soon after you've had a serious conversation.

#thoma #childe #tartaglia #kazuha #zhongli #xiao #venti #genshin impact #genshin impact x reader #genshin smut #genshin impact headcanons #x reader #modern au #genshin modern au #genshin not sfw

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skiyoosmi · 3 years

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if fate permits

⤷ chapter twenty four: just one last time

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Was I such an evil person in my past life to deserve this agony?

The damned question circles your mind over and over again as you walk mindlessly, vision blurry due to the tears that were continuously welling up your eyes. You've always thought watching him fall in love with someone else was already painful enough, but even that couldn't prepare you for the wrenching feeling that your heart felt when you cut the thread, forced to cut him out of your life, figuratively and literally speaking. Now that you're experiencing it yourself, you think that's the reason why people like you were forced to forget— the feeling of your heart endlessly falling to the dark abyss was not something anyone could live with for the rest of their lives, wondering what was so wrong with you that he couldn't bring himself to love you even with a thread physically connecting the two of you.

Stupid gods, they can't even do one thing right. His words echo and you choke out what seems like a pathetic attempt for a laugh, lips wobbling as you cry, "I know right, Tsum. They're so stupid."

Soulmates are so stupid. Your eyes linger on your thread, barely red as it began to become duller each hour that passed and had uneven ends due to the cutting that happened just a while ago. The red string, once bright and glowing in color, that kept you close to Atsumu for so many years, gone in just a few seconds and it felt so unfair, so cruel. Because how could someone decide your fate just like that?

You just have to get through it tonight, YN. Tomorrow, when you wake up, you won't even know that kind of heartbreak. Tomorrow, you repeat to yourself, trying to lessen the gut wrenching feeling swimming inside you; keyword, tried. Still, it doesn't stop the liquids that gather in your eyes and the hiccups that escape your mouth. Because you just loved him so goddamn much that you were willing to give up everything of you just for him, just for his happiness... and yet, he couldn't do it for you, not even one bit of him. And with that, you find yourself drowning in self-pity— no matter how much you sacrificed, no matter how long you put him first, it all still ended with you cutting the thread, the thing you treasured the most. It just wasn't meant to be.

The ringing of your phone resonates through the quiet and unknown park you had stopped by, the picture of your brother popping up on the screen.

"YN. Where in the hell are you? It's already late! Your flight's tomorrow night. Mom's close to losing the last bits of her mind. Tell me whe—"

"'Yoomi," you sob like a child, the minimal strength that kept you standing up finally giving in to your overwhelming emotions as your legs gave out as well, falling on your butt as you clutched your chest in pain, "'Yoomi."

You tried to get words out but your heavy cries stopped you from doing so, only being able to speak out his name.

"YN? What happened? Hey... take a deep breath and tell me where you are, I'll come get you myself and then we can talk about it, yeah?"

The usual monotonous voice he spoke vanished into thin air and was replaced with one that were filled with worry and concern. From the background, you can hear him telling your parents to just stay still, despite their sound of disapprovals, accompanied by the jiggling of keys which you figure were for the car, "YN, tell me where you are. Please."

"I... I..." you hiccup, looking around you for any prominent signs or landmarks, "I'm in a random park and t-there's a convenience store across. The one that we first went to when we moved to Tokyo."

"Okay. Just stay right there. I'm coming."

Kiyoomi takes a deep breath, lightly knocking on your bedroom door, sighing in relief when you responded with a quiet 'come in,' voice muffled. It has been past an hour since you arrived home, your parents opting to leave you alone as soon as they saw your swollen eyes; although, your brother couldn't obviously just sit still and look pretty, not when you're feeling like this when you're leaving tomorrow. He pushes the door open, wincing at the mess that welcomed him— some of your clothes were still not packed, luggages were lying down on the floor and there you were, on the bed, face down and shoved to the pillow.

"Did a storm pass by?" He asks, trying to at least lighten the mood, sitting at the foot of the bed and beginning to fix your things for you. He knew better than to pry, especially when he already had a guess on who brought you in such a devastated state. Instead of replying, you hold your hand up, he can see it for himself anyway.

His usually-calm demeanor breaks as he saw your thread, now in a dark maroon color. He stood up so quick that he felt lightheaded, "YN!"

Your head turns to him, eyes watering once more as you sob, "'Yoomi... I feel dead. Like my heart was forcefully ripped out of my chest. I... I don't know what to do... I can't take this."

He approaches you, engulfing your form in a hug, whispering his comforts as he speaks a gazillion of curses to Atsumu in his mind. He swears he might just punch the blonde to death as soon as he sees him, "You'll be okay. We're here. You're gonna be fine."

"I... I don't want to forget him... Please don't take him away from me... I love him," you cry out to the gods above, praying so desperately even if you knew it was impossible. You were no one special, who were you to be graced with such a miracle? And yet here you were, weeping the same prayers over and over again, knowing deep inside that no matter how much you beg, even if you were already on your knees, tomorrow would still come— the tomorrow that has no Miya Atsumu in it.

At that moment, you wished you hadn't just befriended him, you wished you just left him alone when he was playing with your brother; because nothing could compare to the pain of losing all of him— your soulmate, your beloved, your best friend— in just a matter of seconds.

Kiyoomi finishes packing for you by the time you calmed down a bit and leaves you alone, speaking about you should rest for your flight. As if you could do that... the moment you close your eyes, it's really over because the next time you open them, it's going to be a new YN. Gone will be you who knew each and every part of him, replaced with someone who won't even be able to recognize him...

Yet despite your heart's refusal towards the truth, your mind contradicts it and thinks back to his previous words, "...it has been too long of waiting..."

With that, your resolve crumbles into pieces and you find your eyes fluttering close. Somehow, you give out a small and sad smile, heart aching because of him... just one last time.

I'm sorry for not keeping my promise, Atsumu.

note. no words just... tears up because the next one might just be sadder than this

#haikyuu x reader #haikyuu headcanons #haikyuu smau #atsumu x reader #iwaizumi x reader #atsumu headcanons #iwaizumi headcanons #atsumu smau #iwaizumi smau #haikyuu angst #haikyuu fics #haikyuu writings #miya atsumu #iwaizumi hajime

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lordymaru · 3 years

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I'm about to refute this entire essay with the simple explanation being:

The only interaction we've seen of these two is when she's a freaking 8 year old. Your self insert shows no boundaries.

And this is probably the last time I'll make a post about the stupidity behind the way the pair is viewed:

Note: I know there's people out there with a brain who ship these two in a more conventional way. In the end you do you, ship whatever you want, no one can prevent you from doing that, just don't be gross about it.

One of the parts being the Significance of their first encounter:

She’s a poor peasant girl who’s suffered immense trauma, suffering, and loneliness. Her initiative to help Sesshomaru came from her generosity

Exactly, she's alone for her family had been killed before her eyes, the villagers treat her like garbage. When she meets Sess he's wounded and simply in a bad state, both mentally and physically. Both of them are, the difference being he's a demon, a powerful one and for him to have ended in such a bad shape only stabbed at his pride- Rin on the other hand is a child, a human tiny child who is vulnerable and to him she poses no threat. Both of them are weak then.

At this point, it’s observable that despite knowing her story, her scars, and her difficulties, humans do not even empathize, let alone sympathize with Rin. It is the feudal era, after all. She’s a young, disabled orphan and the villagers only see her for what she lacks: a voice, a family, and a place of belonging.

Again with your feudal era shit. I can assure you the world is just as ugly today as it was before you and I existed. Next.

When he asks about her bruises, this is the first time anyone had ever afforded her a second glance.

This was a huge step forward for Sess, a huuuuuuge one for he showed interest in another living creature, not just any creature but a human. And for her it was probably like Christmas, for no one had showed her any mercy or interest. Ok you get a point. But oh, boy, how I'm about to spit on the next one:

The audience can see Sesshomaru calculate her body language, recognizing that she is mute. Instead of pressing her further or ignoring her outright, he attempts to comfort her (in his own way), making her feel that it is okay if she chooses not to answer him; that her desire to reply to him should only be a desire, not an obligation. I think, on one hand, that was the first moment of something that would resemble compassion that Sesshomaru had ever administered, trying to put himself in her shoes — if someone had asked him to do something that required, for example, his left arm, he probably would have appreciated them saying “you don’t have to do it if you don’t want to” so to provide him agency for something that he actually cannot do. And the same goes for Rin. He recognizes her disability, maybe even resonates with it and decides to empower her with a choice. Choice is important when it comes to the Sesshomaru/Rin dynamic and it’s a word that will come up often.

Ok why are you comparing the loss of his arm to her not being able to talk? Not all disabilities are the same, you moron. Or am I dumb for thinking this way? If so, feel free to call me out on my lack of common sense kr whatever you wanna call it. Sess physically couldn't do shit with his left arm because well- it was gone! That's a physical disability. Rin had "lost" her voice after what she witnessed and so she wouldn't speak anymore. Have you heard of Psychogenic Dysphonia? If not, you can click here and give it a reading or do your own research. The more you know: https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0892199703000158

So you say he "empowers her with a choice" that is "important when it comes to the Sesshomaru/Rin dynamic" let me get this straight, a choice because why? She's a child? A female? Because you said so yourself, it's the Feudal Era after all and therefore women had no choice in life, no voice, no agency, no nothing. So he was being magnanimous then? You know... This is where you start edging into the gr00ming territory. Can't you see? No? Alright, moving on.

BRUH WHAT THE FUCK?! Are you fucking good? See how you self insert? Bye. Next

The next time Sesshomaru sees Rin, it is suggested that he actively sought her, whether it be by curiosity or concern for well-being

He did... It is not suggested, he actually did asdfhkl. For both curiosity and he probably was worried. He also states he wants to test out his sword, what a perfect chance to do so for Rin is pretty much dead and that's the only way to make his sword work. So she was both being a guinea pig and an itch he wasn't quite sure how to scratch. Next.

Silence Rin.

Rin screams endlessly, annoying Sesshomaru. Firstly, this is the first time we hear him call her by her name. Secondly, Sesshomaru is visibly annoyed by her noises, however, he does not tell her to “shut up” as he normally would with Jaken or even InuYasha. He simply says “enough of that Rin, stop it.” (In Japanese he says, “Silence, Rin. You make too much noise.”) Even analyzing the Japanese dialogue, it is evidently softer than Sesshomaru’s usual ‘kisama’ (貴樣) manner of speech that we see depicted usually. This is the first time he’s had a companion who is not a demon, someone with compassion, and who has had his general best interests at heart with no expectations in return. His softer tone is a logical deduction to make.

Ok... "someone with compassion, and who has had his general best interests at heart with no expectations in return." Bruh... As if he would even consider meeting someone's expectations. Are you sure you're talking about Sess? Another thing is, he always speaks in a calm tone, he rarely yells or loses his composure- he had no reason to be rude to her either, you're excusing his regular behavior simply because she ain't Jaken. Anything else?

Rin doesn't change Sesshomaru overnight, it's a gradual and long process

Well duh!!! Just like you don't lose the pounds you gained from eating in one sit 12 donuts a week ago. Stating the obvious and for what? What's exactly your mf point?

The silence part is important, idk how to tell you there is a power imbalance in their relationship from the moment he tells her to be quiet. He didn't say please, he didn't ask her to, he told her to be quiet. Like a parent would, if I could count the times my mom told me to shush.... That's your first indicator he is not her friend, he is not her equal.

Letting you Be Yourself: The Panther Demon Arc

the first frame the audience sees in the anime sets the scene, painting the Sessshomaru entourage in a serene manner, indicating a level of comfort between group members (episode 75). This is vastly different from our last depiction of Sesshomaru and Rin’s relationship. In episode 44, he was unable to withstand her (albeit annoying) childish antics. But here, it’s observable that Sesshomaru can accept her and her package of unconventional fun. Not only does he tolerate and even more so, accept Rin, but he accepts her influence on his vassal, Jaken and allows them to be free around him.

Is called developing patience. I can assure you that when you're a parent or an older bro/sis and your kid/younger sibling is noisy af you either learn to tolerate that or get used to it for kids are kids abd you have to let them be kids. Next.

She's a child, she's not stupid.

The Abducted Rin: Calling her Name

The respect that Sesshomaru shows Rin is insurmountable. However, the InuYasha franchise is clever to portray the subtlety of Sesshomaru’s respect for her. KV on Twitter points out how highly he regards his companion and never relegates her to anything less than the value that she as a person embodies (@KVndie via Twitter). He consistently humanizes her.

He only sees how important she is to him after her ass dies a second time. What do you mean? He respects her enough to not coddle her, she is independent and taught her to be self sufficient from the very start. That's respect. He consistently humanizes her because... She ... Is ... Human! OMG WHAT A SHOCKER!

As Naraku remarks on his hostage to Sesshomaru, "Naturally, the girl you're looking for is not here…,” he continues, “the girl is in custody outside of the castle..." Naraku never makes an attempt to give her personhood, leaving her unnamed, disposable, and relegating her to a mere "girl." But Sesshomaru doesn’t take any of this. He is a cold-hearted Daiyokai, yet he still makes an effort and upholds his principle to refer to her as Rin — not a replaceable “girl.”

Naraku is a mf genius. It didn't quite click until now he wanted to see if she was important or not to him and to what extent. For he planned his moves that way, making people turn against one another. While he wouldn't have made Rin turn against Sess he set everything up so he would end up wanting to kill Kohaku and in doing so, Inugang would have engaged against Sess.

Sesshomaru’s insistence on using Rin’s name isn’t only highlighted in this isolated incident though. It pays off. It is an ongoing theme in their dynamic throughout the series.

That's her name ... How you want him to call her? Baby?

I could go on and on but... This is a fucking essay. And then I stumble against more bullcrap:

The second point I want to highlight here is Sesshomaru’s reaction to Rin’s fall and her risky expedition. At this point, it’s unquestionable that Rin has a special place in his heart.

Of course she has a special spot in his heart. I won't deny that. What worries me is how you're trying to justify the way she's important to him since she was a child. As if his way of seeing her had changed.

I'm gonna disagree by agreeing with you in a few pointers. Kagome and Kikyo were rivals, they both romantically love the same guy. Kagome being the only one who could save Kikyo chooses to help her, knowing damn well Inuyasha would have suffered if Kikyo had died- further more, if it was in Kagome's hands to do something about it.

Rin on the other hand, I will applaud to her how she grew past her fear of Kagura after being kidnapped by her, she saw her body in the river and said fuck it and did her best to try to pull her from the water. I loved how stubborn and brave she was, even tho Sess had to pull everyone out of the water- she deserves a gold star. You go baby girl!!!

Rin later makes a cheeky comment, noting Kagura’s romantic interest in Sesshomaru. Jaken brushes this off as childish naivety. But for the spectator, this establishes two things: (1) That Rin does not see Kagura as a rival for Lord Sesshomaru’s attention, let alone affection; and (2) that Rin is still a child. Rin is certainly a child, with a youthful and fresh outlook on life that brings out the best in people. But even as a child, her relationship with Sesshomaru is incredibly healthy, clear, and surprisingly communicative.

Why would she? She's not a spoiled brat

Nah? I thought her double D indicated otherwise. OF COURSE SHE'S A MF CHILD.

Why do you keep mentioning is healthy? Do you need reassurance of it? Communicative in what way? Cuz if you wanna talk about communication let's talk about how he didn't even acknowledge her ass when she gave birth. He didn't even say her name, didn't even look at her. Tell me now how they are communicative and healthy?

I could go on, I really but all I'm getting from this load of bullshit I'm forcing myself to read is how you do in fact need to reassure yourself thr ship is god tier and is... How you said it was? Ah, healthy.

Anyways, thanks for reading and if you see any typo ... My apologies, I tried. Also if you have any input or I was out of line in some way, my apologies once more.

#anti sessrin #antisessrin #anti-sessrin

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obae-me · 4 years

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Hi! If your inbox is open, I'd like to request a scenario with all (or any) of the demon brothers, + undatables reacting to a blind MC? Like, none of them expected to have a blind human and Devildom and they have to revamp everything to make it as safe for MC as possible. Can be she/her or they/them pronouns for MC. Bonus points if MC is extremely talkative and won't shut up lmao. Thank you!

I’m still learning how I best want to write the Undateables, so I’m sorry if they’re a bit lacking. This was really wholesome to write, thank you for your request! 💜

Lucifer

When first summoned down to the Devildom, MC looked more disoriented than he would’ve expected. “Where am I? Who are you guys?” They hadn’t managed to look at Diavolo yet, even while he was speaking to them. They already put him in a bad mood.

“Didn’t you learn its bad manners to ignore the people that are talking to you? Look at Lord Diavolo while he’s speaking.” Lucifer growled, leaving MC with an exasperated expression.

“I’m BLIND.”

Error.

They were blind?? Humans were so fragile that they could just lose their eyesight?? Permanently?! He’s already got several new grey hairs. He’d have to entirely change up the house, he’d need to have someone with them at all times. How would they read? How would they get school work done?

MC has to explain to him that they’ve been this way for a long time, so they can handle themselves. They’ll have to tell him about things they use to help them out, like a cane for starters. They’ll tell him later how they best do schoolwork, but he’s already busy contacting someone about a cane.

It doesn’t matter what MC says, he now feels obligated to keep them under his watch as much as possible. He’s responsible for keeping them safe after all, and he can’t feel relaxed until he can confirm that they’re okay.

Although he did find out that MC was as talkative and feisty as a human could be. If things went too quiet they’d quickly fill up the empty space with chatter. Not to mention anytime he, or any demon for that matter, went into demon form, the intimidation factor was lost. MC never budged. They didn’t mind standing up to him, which annoyed him greatly, but absolutely blew his mind. How such a tiny human, who didn’t have a major part of functioning, could easily stand up to a demon was beyond him.

When MC first asked if it was okay to ‘see’ him, he had no idea what they meant, but was curious to see where it would lead. He wasn’t aware that MC knew any magic. He didn’t expect MC to come over and gently touch his face, running their fingers gingerly over his features. MC politely asked if he could show his true self, and he agreed. MC drifted their way up to his horns, feeling the texture and shape. They had an expression of awe on their face, probably because they now knew that it was real, he wasn’t human. They struggled to find these supposed wings of his, and with one of his gloved hands, Lucifer took their wrist and guided MC along. They made a little gasp as the feathers brushed against their skin.

This wasn’t how it was supposed to happen, his demon form was supposed to strike shock and fear into people. He was supposed to be respected. He was supposed to be above this. So how was it he was sitting here, MC running their hands all over him, and he was the one who was shocked and speechless. He hated how MC had lost their eyesight, but in this one moment he was grateful that they couldn’t see his reddened face with such an embarrassing expression plastered over it.

Mammon

“What do you mean they can’t see? It’s not that dark in the Devildom. Oi, human, just open your eyes, don’t you know how seeing works?!...Oh...Oooh...”

He had a less than grand first impression when he first met MC, and to be honest, it kept getting worse before it got better. He didn’t know when to shut his mouth. He tried asking Lucifer if they could get a different human, one that wasn’t broken. He must’ve somehow thought that whispering from only about a foot away would keep MC from hearing him.

He didn’t get a different human, he was stuck with them, and he was going to receive a particularly severe punishment that night for how poorly he treated MC. He was in a bad mood, not to mention out of his mind with panic.

“I don’t know what to do with people who can’t see? Can we fix ya? Surely there’s some magic here that’ll make you good as new!”

He tried spells, he tried potions, he even paid a fortune to one of the Devildom’s best doctors. None of his antics worked, and out of all the brothers, Mammon took the longest to process that this was how MC was. It was a part of them. They would be like this forever.

He’ll stay by their side constantly, escorting them by the arm and hand, talking their ear off about this and that to keep them distracted. It causes MC to laugh about it every time. Who needs a seeing eye dog when you’ve got a wonderfully trained seeing eye Mammon. Sometimes he would even pick them up to go up and down stairs if he felt they would be too dangerous.

Anytime they’re at any sort of store, MC will have to touch almost everything, and if their hands brush across anything they like, even if only for it’s tactile nature, Mammon will buy it for them at the drop of a hat. It’ll drive Lucifer a bit crazy over the fact that MC won’t ever have a need for most of the things Mammon buys, but he’ll not bother them about it if he sees it makes MC happy even just to hold it.

MC is super talkative, but it’s typically just to fill empty dark space and make things seem more comfortable, but when they’re with Mammon, they don’t need to say a word. He does all the talking, and MC’s grown accustomed to the sound of his voice. It’s so different from his other brothers, the mannerisms he uses and the slight accent to it. Mammon still doesn’t realize that, for this reason, MC can single him out among the crowds at RAD, or how Mammon can never seem to sneak up on them. MC loves how loud he is. No matter how quiet he tries being, MC can always pick him out of the darkness, for them, he’s always there. Mammon will never say it, but he loves how his human knows him apart from everyone else.

Levi

“Huh, so you don’t watch anime, what a typical normie.”

“I actually can’t watch anything, just for your information.”

Fatality.

He knows the concept of blindness from anime and manga, but it almost seemed as foreign to him as magic seemed to MC. Typically in the stories he saw, it was never permanent, always the cause of some curse or spell or even a fight! MC had gone through none of that, it was what it was.

He almost found it relaxing for a moment, because he felt a bit more confident in himself. MC couldn’t see what an ugly shut-in looked like. However, his moods were quickly dashed when MC tripped over an empty can he had lying on the floor. He caught them from falling but quickly went into a state of despair. He was a dirty trashy shut-in. Lucifer would later find that Levi now had his room clean of trash at all times, his floor spotless.

Levi would absolutely cry, and I mean cry, over the fact that MC would never be able to fully enjoy anime or manga or video games. They could maybe enjoy some Dubbed shows but it wouldn’t be the same. If MC hangs out with him, Levi will give them the full commentator experience. He’ll explain what’s going on in his games or shows in hopes MC can still enjoy his favorite form of entertainment.

The first time in his Demon form, MC stepped on his tail in attempt to get to his wings. He yelped in shock. MC was vastly confused. What was that? Where was his wings? Lucifer and Mammon had wings so where were his? He hated being compared to them like that. He couldn’t fly, he couldn’t look nearly as intimidating. No he didn’t have wings, he just has this clunky ugly tail. MC grabbed his tail, making him turn bright red. They ran their fingers over his scales, petting it, pulling it out to see how long it was. MC endlessly talked about how cool it was, and how it felt amazing to touch. Lucifer and Mammon didn’t have a tail. Levi never felt envious of not having wings ever again.

Satan

He can’t believe his brothers didn’t know that humans were capable of being blind. They were extremely fragile creatures but somehow were heartier and more stubborn than they looked, capable of thriving despite everything they go through.

He didn’t know everything about being blind, since it never seemed to come up often enough for him to need to learn about. So you can bet that in just the first few days MC was there, he thoroughly studied up on anything he thought would help him.

He was surprised to find that there was a form of reading available for people who had lost their sight. He had never heard about Braille before this. As a demon who wanted to learn as many languages and reading forms as possible, he was angry he missed something like this.

He wasn’t as angry, however, when MC offered to help teach him how to read Braille if he helped them with their schoolwork and studies. The Devildom school was surprisingly accommodating but until Diavolo and Lucifer finished sorting things out, they couldn’t read any of their schoolwork.

He usually preferred silence, but he didn’t mind when MC would come in his room and feel comfortable enough to talk in detail everything that had happened that day. In return, he liked when MC would listen intently as his narrating voice filled up the room while he would read his favorite stories to them. He loved the way their face would crinkle when he’d attempt to voice a particular character. They put their hand on his chest and would beg him to do it again with a laugh. He’d attempt the line again, MC feeling the deep rumble in his chest. Reading would now not be the same without them.

The more he got to know them, the more the heat in his chest over their blank non-focused eyes grew hotter. How could they not see? How could someone like them be deprived of something like that? He couldn’t show them art, photographs, the beauty of the Devildom’s stars. MC assured him that it was alright, anytime they wanted to know what something looked like, they would ask him. Anything he described sounded like poetry. With him around, his words would be enough.

Asmo

Blind, as in they couldn’t see anything, see him?! His radiant shine? His picture perfect features? His allure? They wouldn’t see any of that? He was astounded. He was upset. He was dramatically depressed. He got over it pretty quickly, though, he’s very attractive yes, but all of his other qualities were just as attractive.

He’ll help tweak their uniform, he’ll buy them clothes that not only feel amazing, but look amazing. If touch is important to them, he’ll get them lotions, skincare products, anything they wanted to keep them well taken care of. Their hands will never worry about being dry.

He loves when MC touches his face to know what he looks like. He’ll use this as an excuse. “How do you know it’s Asmo? I might have put a spell on my voice, double check.” He’ll put his hands over theirs while they amuse him and feel the details on his face down to the bridge of his nose.

One particularly pleasant evening for Asmo, he goes on and on about new clothes he bought, and then brings MC into it.

“Right right? I think it’ll look ravishing on me, the color matches MC’s eyes.” MC smiles and states that they had forgotten their eyes were that color. Asmo sits there for a moment before shrieking, standing up so fast his chair falls over. “You don’t even know what you look like!”

Of course MC had a pretty general idea of what they looked like, but yes he was right for the most part. They didn’t understand why Asmo was so shocked about it. However, Asmo refuses to let this go, and he takes them to his bedroom describing MC down to the bone. He’ll tell them what their eye color reminds him of, the particular way their eyelashes curl, how their complexion looked under the moonlight. He’ll go on and on and on, not realizing that he’s never ever spoke so long about someone else before, so MC lets him continue. They’ve never cared about appearances before, but the way Asmo talks about them makes them cozy on the inside. He made them feel like the most gorgeous thing on earth.

They’ll then change it up, making Asmo close their eyes as they talk about all the things about him that they love. The way the air smells around him when he comes into the room. The way his tone raises up when he’s excited about something. The way his footsteps sound on hard surfaces. They adore how one side of his hair is longer than the other. They love his presence. Asmo is dumbfounded, no one has ever described him in that way before. He’ll melt and might call a doctor for this strange new feeling in his chest.

Beel

They can’t see anything? Can they at least eat?? Well then it’s not the end of the world. If MC had somehow been deprived of taste, he would’ve really been upset. Food doesn’t have to look great to taste great. Still, the fact that they couldn’t see made the Devildom even more dangerous, and he didn’t want anything to happen to them. He couldn’t let anyone get hurt around him, not again.

He’s among the most considerate of the brothers even though he’s not used to being around someone that can’t see. He’s real worried he’ll hurt MC, so he’s always extra careful. He’ll announce that he’s beside them even though they heard his footsteps near them and could feel the heat coming off of his body. He’ll always ask them first if it’s okay to touch them so he can help them out. He’s even extra wary about hugs at first, what if he just...breaks them even more? As time goes by he learns he doesn’t need to walk on eggshells.

He finds it a fun game to let them try to figure out what stuff he made for them before they eat it, more times than not, they figure it out. Then he’ll eat it with them, unnecessarily guiding the fork to their mouth.

If Mammon isn’t by their side, it’s usually Beel who’s next. If he’s not busy with sports or working out, he’ll stick around by MC wherever they want to go. However, it’s usually MC who stays by him whenever he sees something tasty to make sure he doesn’t run off.

MC knew he worked out, but had always envisioned him to be like a big teddy bear. It wasn’t until MC asked to feel him until they understood just how strong Beel was. Under his soft clothes, they felt his tough muscles. He was built like a brick, no matter where they felt him, his arms, his sides, he was completely different than they had expected. His face was soft at least. His hair fun to play with. In his demon form adored touching his horns, exclaiming that they were perfect for fitting doughnuts. He didn’t need to know that, now Lucifer’s going to have to question why in the world Beel has doughnuts stacked on his horns. His wings felt silky and surprisingly fragile despite how strong he felt everywhere else. They were sure they weren’t as weak as they felt, but it let MC know that Beel was still soft. MC couldn’t stop gawking over how big and strong Beel was, pretending to punch him in the gut even though they could probably punch him for real and he wouldn’t feel it.

All Beel wanted was to tell MC how strong he thought they were.

Belphie

At first, he couldn’t believe that, somehow, they had chosen someone who couldn’t even see to be a part of the program. He felt like this supported his idea that it was a terrible idea to begin with, but fortunately, he thought, this made it easy for him to manipulate MC’s actions. How guilty this made him feel, afterwards.

He’d stay silent and sneak around MC, feeling that it was best if they didn’t even know he was there. They knew where he was, no matter how hard he tried. They could follow his dragging footsteps as he lazily walked through the house. His sighs and breathing were also very distinguishable.

They didn’t start getting to know each other till MC was wandering through the house, trying to still burn the number of steps in their mind in this massive place. Their cane found a strange obstacle in the middle of the floor, something that wasn’t usually there. They poked it, it was surprisingly soft. They got down on their knees and reached over, feeling cozy clothes and skin. They found a face and traced it over. It wasn’t anyone they had memorized, so it must’ve been Belphie. Made sense that he was the only one crazy enough to sleep in the middle of the floor. They loved how soft he felt, softer than any of his other brothers. Even his hair was like a velvety down you’d find in a pillow.

They knew he had woken up from his nap. The little muscles in his face were twitching, and his breathing was strained. He was trying to pretend he was asleep, but MC just kept going. They traced down his slender arms to his hands. They were free of any callouses or cuts. They took his hand and grasped it firmly in their own.

“I forgive you, you don’t need to avoid me anymore, or pretend that you’re asleep.” They heard his breathing go still, and then he sat up.

“You knew?”

“I’m not as stupid as people think I am. I may not be able to see, but I can still figure things out just fine.” They gently whacked him with their cane. “So I know you’ve been sneaking around me.”

Belphie didn’t think they wanted him around, after everything he’d done. He was still surprised his brothers kept him around at the end of the day. He just sighed. Emotions were exhausting.

MC felt for his waist and then gave him a tight hug. They knew what it meant to be ashamed of you you were, of the things you’d done, but it didn’t matter. They wanted bygones to be bygones, and they wanted to learn about Belphie for who he really was, not what grief had made him out to be.

MC now finds a new lump in their bed every so often. A lump that moans when you lie on it apparently. Naps are pleasant with him around. MC loves sleeping with their hands in his hair.

MC can’t dream, not in the same way other people do, so Belphie does enough dreaming for the both of them. He’ll share stories of rippling meadows and drifting clouds. He’ll make sure they hear all sorts of pleasant things before they fall asleep. He hopes he can make it up to them.

Diavolo

Figuring out MC was blind didn’t come as a shock, he knew they were after all. He wouldn’t choose someone without knowing the important things about them, and having no eyesight definitely checked out as important.

Knowing him, he did this as a test. He was testing out how the brothers would react and if they indeed could keep MC safe. If a blind human could make it through an entire year in the realm of demons, it would be more than a major success for his program.

The more he got to know about MC, the more he grew close to them instead of just treating them like a test subject or a campaign plan. He loved how they weren’t intimidated by him in the slightest, and he also loved how he could spend hours with them, MC talking the entire time. It drove Lucifer wild, but Diavolo found it fascinating and fun.

“Is this what having friends is like? Amazing.”

He’ll have things all set up for them in a matter of days, having whatever accommodations they need to make their school life as easy as possible. Of course, this supposed ‘special treatment’ didn’t go well over demons who opposed the program. Some demons who disapproved didn’t have the courage to defy him directly at first, but now they were starting to scurry out of the sewers like rats. They headed straight over to Diavolo’s new ‘pet’.

They would abuse MC’s lack of sight to mess with them, stealing their things, purposefully knocking them around since they wouldn’t be able to tell who they were, but any demon who thinks Diavolo doesn’t see everything is sadly mistaken. MC tried standing up for themselves, but they could feel a tremendous and overwhelming presence behind them, larger than anything they had felt before. The demons would gasp, and the bullying would stop. Diavolo would put a hand on MC’s shoulder and they’d never be bothered again.

MC knew that this was the Lord of Demons, but they wanted to feel him in his demon form anyway, should he permit. He did permit, and at last MC was able to figure out this terrifying form of his. In his human form he was large, yes, but in demon form he was even bigger, impossibly big. Demonically big. His horns and wings were sharp and decorated in all manner of jewelry. The skin that stretched over bone to serve as his wings were littered with veins, and even just touching them allowed MC to feel the power pumping through them. He was intimidating yes, but after running their hands over his features, they were able to see how beautiful he was in his frightening glory.

Diavolo won’t tell them this, but they’re the only human who has ever laid a hand on him without immediately perishing or being subjected to torment. He’ll let MC do it again too, if they ever ask him.

Barbatos

The fact that he could’ve chosen a timeline where MC wasn’t like this is irrelevant. MC remained relatively the same throughout the different branches, blind or not. He does have control over time but mostly he’ll let time decide for itself, and he’ll take whatever MC the thread of fate decides to give him in this universe. No matter who shows up, he’ll take care of them.

He’s their secret shadow. MC’s working eyes. Diavolo always has him keeping tabs on them, keeping them safe whenever the brothers can’t. MC at first didn’t understand the whisper in the wind that told them to move to the side right before a demon blazed past. They were confused about the phenomenon of something wrapping around their leg to pull them down to the floor before an object whizzed above their head, causing something to explode behind them. It took MC until they finally heard Barbatos’ voice before it clicked.

When they asked to associate a form with that soft voice, he accepted, the normally even and calm tone just slightly more enthusiastic than normal. He had very wide shoulders and strong hands. Serving hands. Hands that felt almost familiar in a funny way, almost like they were hands that had pulled them away from an problem or two. His hair was longer on one side than the other, and they loved that. Even his demon form was intriguing. In every way that Diavolo’s presence boldly screamed, his aura clearly there, Barbatos was subtle. His horns were different than any horns MC had felt thus far. They were slender, bony, like two skeletal hands were reaching around his face to rest just above his forehead. Even his tail was different, splitting off near the bottom to have two controllable ends. He almost scared MC more than Diavolo.

Sometimes MC will talk to themselves alone in their room, filling up the silent space with their voice so it’s not as dark, not as dismal. Occasionally MC will feel like there’s someone there. Like there’s something nodding along with their ramble in the darkness as shadows quietly tidy up their room. MC will find their clothes folded in distinguishable piles. The floor clear of any potential obstacles. Their cane is easily accessible right near their bed.

“Thank you, Barbatos.”

Sometimes the shadow will answer MC back, quietly drifting across the room to touch MC’s cheek before disappearing like a whisper. The darkness doesn’t seem as lonely anymore.

Simeon

He’s definitely going to be the kind of person who says “There must be a reason if God intended it.” MC had heard that throughout their life too many times. Religious or not, they hated when someone took their life and their disability and summed it up to God’s works. Their life was theirs alone, it belonged to no one else. They have a hard time around this angel at first.

Like Barbatos, Simeon can be impossibly quiet, which makes it hard for MC to be able to tell if he’s moving around. The only giveaways are the sounds his cloak makes, the little diamond shaped decor making slight clinking sounds as he moves. It’s melodic in a way, which MC sums up to angelic grace.

He’s not all bad, though. Yes he does believe God has his hands in all things, but that doesn’t mean he pities MC. That he thinks any less of them as a being. It doesn’t mean he’s chalking up their life to a charity case. He’s actually very sweet and fun. He’s one of the only people besides perhaps Solomon who believes MC is stronger than what they seem.

MC will admit sometimes they absolutely love how much the demons coddle and pamper them, but it can get too much too quickly. So sometimes they’ll run off and hang out with Simeon. He treats them like a person, not like a disability, not like a fragile little flower, but...normal.

“Hello, Simeon here...yes, MC is here...stop screaming, they’re fine...we’ve just been talking.”

He’ll let them talk and talk and talk. He’s quiet himself but he loves to hear MC’s voice. How happy they sound when they share stories and discussions and things that happened during their day.

MC can’t get enough of him now, they love hanging around this angel. There’s no sun in the Devildom, but anytime they’re around Simeon, they feel the same rays of warmth the sunshine gives.

Simeon will never call MC ‘human’ sometimes God’s Miracle, sometimes a Godsend, more often than not, a blessing, but never just ‘human’.

Solomon

Yes, MC is blind, and? He doesn’t care what disability they do or do not have, he still finds them intriguing, and they’re his sole human companion in this place, a kindred spirit.

He’s also mischief wrapped in mystery, so he does his best to teach MC some simple spells to make their life a little easier down in the Devildom. Letting things they drop come right back into their hands, giving a shock to anyone who touches them that they don’t know, simple things like that. He did underestimate MC’s power, though. He may or may not have had seven demons at his door the next day when he learned that MC had accidentally dragged all the furniture in the living room towards them at a disturbing pace after they dropped a schoolbook. He did find it very funny, but taught them how to control their powers better.

MC also doesn’t realize how much magic Solomon uses for their benefit. Objects they feel around for sometimes drift towards their hand. They will magically walk over holes in the ground. If any little pesky demon even dares try to mess with them, they’ll find themselves cursed. He knows that MC has nine powerful demons and two angels looking after them, but he does his part.

When he finally does let MC touch his face, they’re disappointed to find that Solomon is very much in control of his expressions. They can’t get a reading off of what he’s feeling at all. They love anytime the brothers can’t help but let their lip quiver or their eyes flutter. Solomon stays blank, maybe letting them feel a smile on his face, nothing more. However, they are pleased to find not even Solomon can control his temperature, they can feel his cheeks get warmer by the second as they caress his face.

They run their hands though his hair and find that touching him gives them a strange sensation. It’s something akin to static, but without the shock. It’s wonderfully addictive and strange. It leaves their fingers tingling and their nerves vibrating.

Because of this sensation, MC has to touch him anytime they meet. Solomon doesn’t mind, in fact he lives for this. He’ll look over MC’s shoulder and give a small smirk to any of the demon brothers standing behind them. The expressions they pull make everything so much better.

Luke

He’s ready to fight every demon in the Devildom when he learns they’re blind. Everything bad comes from demons, so it had to be one of them, not even hours they had been there before they took MC’s sight!

MC had to calm down the small yapping angel and tell them that they had been this way for a very long time. It just happened, it was just life. He has a very hard time dealing with this.

“But you’re so nice and sweet and wonderful, why can’t you see?” Was he crying?

MC has to promise him that it is okay, there’s still plenty to enjoy in their life. Humans don’t have it easy but they learned to move on anyway. He still doesn’t understand how MC’s not an angel. He suddenly shakes off their supporting words because he’s supposed to be the protector, not a human! He swears to protect them no matter what, no demon will stop him!

He loves to hang out with them, making sure they’re away from demons every now and then for the sake of their soul. He makes sure they’ve been treating MC okay. Even if the answer is yes, he doesn’t care what MC says, he cannot trust demons. So he brings MC the sweets he made to make sure they get plenty to eat. (No, he doesn’t know they can’t live off of sweets just yet)

If he lets MC touch his face, MC cannot get over how soft and squishy this little angel is. He’s just as cute as he sounds.

#obey me #obey me shall we date #obey me headcanons #obey me imagines #obey me lucifer #obey me mammon #obey me levi #obey me satan #obey me asmo #obey me beel #obey me belphie #obey me diavolo #obey me barbatos #obey me simeon #obey me solomon #obey me luke

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tiriansjewel · 3 years

Text

find it here on Spotify!

lyric explanations below the cut! (click images for better quality)

1. The 1 by Taylor Swift

“But it would've been fun

If you would've been the one”

As we start the playlist, Luke and Alex are taking a wistful look back on their relationship in the 90s now that they’ve moved on to other people.

2. Coming Clean by Green Day

“Seventeen and strung out on confusion

Trapped inside a roll of disillusion

I found out what it takes to be a man

Now mom and dad will never understand”

Back in the 90s, both Luke and Alex are coming to terms with their sexualities.

3. Smells Like Teen Spirit

“With the lights out, it's less dangerous

Here we are now, entertain us”

Sunset Curve were working towards popularity right at the height of the grunge scene, and I would assume that both Luke and Alex heard quite a bit of this song as teenagers.

4. Now or Never by Sunset Curve

“Keep dreaming like we'll live forever

But live it like it's now or never”

How could I not include Sunset Curve’s own song? They like living in the moment, and that includes their love lives.

5. Everlong by the Foo Fighters

“And I wonder

If everything could ever feel this real forever

If anything could ever be this good again

The only thing I'll ever ask of you

You've got to promise not to stop when I say when”

When you go through adolescence, you crave intimacy with other people. This song exemplifies what Luke and Alex want from each other- to be able to feel, and to be able to experience those feelings on a deeper level.

6. Ocean Size by Jane’s Addiction

“Wish I was ocean size

They cannot move you, man

No one tries

No one pulls you

Out from your hole

Like a tooth aching a jawbone”

Jane’s Addiction was another LA rock band of this time period, and these lyrics about wanting to be powerful like the ocean and having to leave your home really remind me of Luke.

7. All Apologies by Nirvana

“What else should I be?

All apologies

What else should I say?

Everyone is gay”

This song is Kurt Cobain ironically apologizing for his cynical attitude, including the line “everyone is gay” to mock homophobes. It reminds me of Alex- he doesn’t want to be “married and buried”; he is rebelling against his parents’ definition of a correct lifestyle.

8. Freaking Out The Neighborhood by Max DeMarco

“And I know it's no fun

When your first son

Gets up to no good

Starts freaking out the neighborhood”

Emily Patterson and Alex’s mom were probably both pretty appalled by their sons effectively joining the counterculture. At this point, both Luke and Alex are starting to express themselves more, comfortable in who they are and what they want.

9. Hangout With You by Diners

“All I want

Is to talk with you now

And I know that you've got time

You are constantly on my mind

Yes I know that you've got time

To hang out with me

Tonight”

Luke has begun to realize that he likes Alex, and in true Luke fashion, can’t stop thinking about it.

10. Affection by Between Friends

“I'm laying on the floor

We're drinking 'cause we're bored

Oh, I'm looking for affection in all the wrong places

And we'll keep falling on each other to fill the empty spaces”

One night, it all comes out- their feelings and desires- and they decide to begin some kind of friends with benefits type of situation. This song feels like it’s from Luke’s perspective to me.

11. gold rush by Taylor Swift

“What must it be like

To grow up that beautiful?

With your hair falling into place like dominos

I see me padding 'cross your wooden floors

With my Eagles t-shirt hanging from the door

At dinner parties

I call you out on your contrarian shit

And the coastal town

We wandered 'round had never

Seen a love as pure as it

And then it fades into the gray of my day old tea

'Cause you know it could never be”

Luke is a magnetic person, attracting everyone, and Alex finds him beautiful. He is in awe of him, but he’s also scared about having feelings he doesn’t know how to handle. This song kind of shows Alex’s internal monologue.

12. Can We Kiss Forever? by Kina

“I tried to reach you, I can't hide

How strong's the feeling when we dive

I crossed the ocean of my mind

My wounds are healing with the salt

All my senses intensified

Whenever you and I, we dive”

This song describes their first kiss, obscured from the world, in my mind. Plus, there’s ocean metaphors. You can’t go wrong with that.

13. 18 by Anarbor

“So if you wanna piss off your parents

Date me to scare them

Show them you're all grown up

If long hair and tattoos are what attract you

Baby, then you're in luck

And I know it's just a phase

You're not in love with me

You wanna piss off your parents, baby

That's alright with me”

Luke knows Alex isn’t in love with him, but they both want to try new things. Bonus points for this song having references to frayed parent-child relationships.

14. Boys Will Be Boys by Miles McKenna

“That graduation day, it never came for you and me

Couple drop-out kids, a shotgun wedding's all we need

Sorry, Mom, Sorry, Dad

Better luck next time

A couple packs a day, pierced nose and tattoos on our legs

No strangers to pretend, we've always been too proud to beg

Sorry, Mom, Sorry, Dad

Better luck next time

Boys will be boys”

This song referencing a “couple of drop out kids” just going with the flow made me think of how Sunset Curve probably never would have finished high school.

15. Just Like You by Three Days Grace

“You thought you were there to guide me, you were only in my way

You're wrong if you think that I'll be just like you

I could be mean

I could be angry

You know I could be just like you.”

Both Luke and Alex have tons of resentment for their parents, obviously.

16. Sunstroke by Less Than Jake

“We've all been living proof

That time won't wait or choose

We know it ticks on without me and you

And I can't have both sides

Letting go or holding tight

I'm burning bright tonight”

This song about being stubborn and time not waiting really reminded me of Luke, plus the foreshadowing of them becoming ghosts and adapting to a whole new world.

17. Saint Bernard by Lincoln

“Saint Calvin told me not to worry about you

But he's got his own things to deal with

There's really just one thing that we have in common

Neither of us will be missed”

This song just made me think about Alex and his Catholic guilt.

18. Bedroom Hymns by Florence and the Machine

“This is a good a place to fall as any

We'll build our altar here

Make me your Maria

I'm already on my knees

You had Jesus on your breath

And I caught Him in mine

Sweating out confessions

The undone and the divine

This is his body, this is his love

Such selfish prayers and I can't get enough, oh”

Part 2 of Alex and his Catholic guilt. Their relationship has become more carnal, and this song maybe gives a little of Alex’s perspective into that time.

19. Church by Fall Out Boy

“And if death is the last appointment

Then we're all just sitting in the waiting room

I am just a human trying to avoid my certain doom

If you were church, yeah

I'd get on my knees”

Here ends the trilogy of songs with religious references. This song is heady and sensual and also includes some nice foreshadowing of their deaths.

20. Bros by Wolf Alice

“Shake your hair, have some fun

Forget our mothers and past lovers, forget everyone

Oh, I'm so lucky, you are my best friend

Oh, there's no one, there's no one who knows me like you do

Are your lights still on?

I'll keep you safe

If you keep me strong”

Here’s another song from Luke’s perspective- talking about forgetting mothers, being best friends, and keeping Alex safe, as long as Alex keeps him strong.

21. Slip Away by Perfume Genius

“Don't look back, I want to break free

If you'll never see 'em coming You'll never have to hide

Take my hand, take my everything

If we only got a moment

Give it to me now

They'll never break the shape we take

Baby, let all them voices slip away”

Alex struggles with losing his family over his sexuality, and Luke helps him through it.

22. Make Out In My Car by Sufjan Stevens

“I'm not trying to

Go to bed with you

I just wanna make out in my car

And though I'm dying to

Fall in love with you

I just wanna make out in my car”

Another great song about just wanting to exist with someone, about wanting touch and feel and create. They don’t want to fall in love, they just want to be.

23. I Exist I Exist I Exist by Flatsound

“I remember the way you shook

Its a shame that we're not soul mates

Because if i didn't know better

I'd say this feels pretty good

How could i be scared?

When i stretch and feel that you're there

So shut your mouth

Because these words will speak themselves

I can feel them in these blankets

And they're surrounding your figure

Embraced in the quilts

And i cant help but think

You're my missing puzzle piece”

This song is so beautiful- with references to helping a partner through anxiety, and being just like ones mother... a lot of this dynamic in my mind is Luke and Alex reminding each other that they exist, that life is wide and bright, that they’re alive. This gives a window into Luke’s inner feelings as well.

24. Come on, Mess Me Up by Cub Sport

“I found comfort, I fell in love with avoiding problems

But I want this, you know I want this

So come on, mess me up

And you can break me, if you'll still take me

Ruin me, if you'll let me be one of the ones you say you won't forget”

At some point, they become more reckless about their feelings, a little less level headed about their arrangement. Intimacy is an escape.

25. Please Never Fall In Love Again by Ollie MN

“This is what it's like to be lovers

You and me need never be lonely again

Spin with me endlessly or at least until the end

Please never fall in love again”

As usually happens with these arrangements, feelings are caught. Luke and Alex consider making things more serious.

26. Can I Call You Tonight? by Dayglow

“Batteries drain, I get the memo

I think that I might have to let you go

So can I call you tonight?

I'm trying to make up my mind

Just how I feel

Could you tell me what's real?”

The end of their relationship is near, and Alex is unsure. You can decide if this takes place before or after they die.

27. Wicked Game by Chris Isaak

“I never dreamed that I'd meet somebody like you

And I never dreamed that I'd lose somebody like you

No, I don't wanna fall in love with you”

Eventually these relationships all start to feel like games, don’t they?

28. Perfect by The Smashing Pumpkins

“So far I still know who you are

But now I wonder who I was

Angel, you know it's not the end

We'll always be good friends”

Another song about the end of a relationship, and finding yourself again. There’s a bit of resentment there, but they are learning to be friends again.

29. Miss Missing You by Fall Out Boy

“Maybe I'll burn a little brighter tonight

Let the fire breathe me back to life

Baby you were my picket fence

I miss missing you, now and then”

They’ve gotten over each other and become friends again, but are still nostalgic for the past. Bonus points for references about coming back to life.

30. Good Riddance (Time of Your Life) by Green Day

“For what it's worth

It was worth all the while

It's something unpredictable

But in the end it's right

I hope you had the time of your life”

Ah yes, the song everyone uses to commemorate bittersweet ends- it’s the perfect clincher for this playlist.

I hope you all enjoy listening!

#julie and the phantoms #lalex #jatp #luke patterson #alex mercer #jatp playlist #luke/alex #playlist #my edit

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chwesangel · 4 years

Text

My sunshine ☼ Felix

Lee Felix x Reader

Neutral reader + Fluff + Non Idol AU

Words: 1.8k+

As the weather grew hotter, your feelings for your best friend grew too. Felix has been the light in your life since the moment you met in middle school but recently your feelings had turned more romantic than platonic.

—

5 years ago

"Can I sit here?"

You looked up toward the voice and met eyes with a soft looking boy who's cheeks were dusted with freckles and a light blush.

You smiled and nodded, giggling when you saw him fumble with his backpack as he moved into the seat next to you. "I'm Y/N." You said, holding out your hand for him to shake.

"I'm Felix." He responded and took your hand.

'Oh my gosh... Tiny...' you thought to yourself, looking down at his hand. "New here?" You questioned.

He nodded and before he could say anything else your teacher started class.

3 years ago

Ever since the afternoon Felix sat next to you, you guys were practically attached at the hip. Today the two of you were sitting on his couch playing Mario Kart and after what felt like the 20th round he put the controller down and looked over to you.

"Ready for school tomorrow?" He asked.

You shook your head. "No, not really. What if we don't have any classes together? Who else am I supposed to talk to?"

He laughed. "I'll still see you at lunch and between classes and after school and literally every second we're not in class."

"Promise you won't replace me with someone else though? And especially not a girlfriend or boyfriend. I come first." You joked

He laughed and held out his pinky. "I swear on my gaming skills"

You gasped and linked your fingers. "Woah that's a big risk, sunshine."

Sunshine. You had started calling that one night you guys had stayed up later than usual and we're sitting on your roof.

4 years ago

"Are you okay?" he asked, laying a hand on your shoulder.

You nodded. "It's just been hard I guess. School stresses me out, friends are too much drama anymore."

"Is there anything I can do to make you feel better?"

"Just you being here with me is helping. You make my days easier and my life brighter. Like my own personal sunshine."

He smiled at that. "Your own personal sunshine, huh?"

"My sunshine." You laughed and poked his cheek.

1 year ago

You sure hoped Felix's gaming skills reflected his broken promise. Near the end of the school year he had started dating one of your mutual friends, Melody. Now don't get me wrong you were happy for him but he completely brushed you to the side.

Every time you wanted to hang out there would be something else taking his attention. "Sorry I can't, me and Mel have a date tonight." or "Not tonight, I have to help Mel study. Summer school, you know?" and your least favorites were the "I have to cancel tonight, Y/N Im sorry. Mel asked me to come over."

You were glad they got along so well and that he was so happy but you hadn't hung out all summer. Them constantly being together would be fine if he hadn't straight up canceled plans to hang out with her without a second thought.

By the end of the summer they had broken up and you got your best friend back. You spent the next two weeks taking care of him and doing anything you could to make him feel better. Deep down you were almost happy about the breakup which killed you. You felt guilty but then again, could anyone blame you for being happy that Felix was spending time with you again?

—

Now it was the last week before summer began. The last week before you were finally done with school. The last week before you and Felix would be adults and have responsibilities that took up most of your time.

You guys agreed that you'd be roommates once you moved out of your parents houses. You agreed that you'd help each other with anything and everything. You agreed that regardless of what happened, you'd support each other endlessly.

As the final day of school came to an end, you and Felix walked out of the building with a cheer, the air filled with laughed and excitement for summer.

"Soooooo Y/N," He started as you guys got into his car. "You thinking beach bonfire or drive-in movie to kick off the start of our adult lives?"

You chuckled and thought for a moment. "Bonfire, then we climb up to my roof like we used to and just talk, yeah?"

He nodded "Sounds perfect." He said with a smile.

—

The sun had started to set and you were in Felix's car again, driving down to the beach. He had the radio loud and the two of you sang along to whatever overplayed song came on. Everything felt perfect in that moment and you silently prayed that it would never end.

Once you had reached your destination, you guys grabbed whatever you would need and made your way out to the beach. The blanket had been laid out and he got the fire started, Felix took a seat next to you.

"I don't think I'm ready to grow up, Y/N." He whispered.

You laid your hand on his back and rubbed slow circles. "Me either but we're going to be here for each other through everything, right?"

He nodded. "I know that I kinda sorta broke the promise last time we did this but can we promise each other something?" He said whole holding out his pinky.

You took it in yours. "Of course we can."

"We'll still be there to support each other even if someone else comes into the picture? Even if we get married and start a family with someone other than each other?"

Other than each other... You didn't want to start a life with anyone other than him. You wanted him to keep being your own personal sunshine. You didn't want to have to share. But you couldn't tell him that.

"I promise, sunshine." You said with a smile.

The night carried on slowly, but you wouldn't want it to go any faster. At some point you had ended up in his arms, laying against his chest. You could hear his every heat beat, every embarrassed noise he made when you brought up an old story, and everything bright laugh as you two reminisced about all the times you had spent together while growing up.

You two grew up together. He was there for every heartbreak when your crush didn't like you back, he was there to comfort you every time your parents fought, he was there to help you study for every test and there to take you out for ice cream to make you feel better if you failed, he was there for every big moment of your life.

Just as he was there for you, you were there for him. You saw the good, the bad, the scared, everything. If someone had asked what your world was like before him you probably couldn't answer.

Because over time he had become your whole world.

Every time you looked at him your heart was filled with so much joy you felt like it could burst. It wasn't until recently you had realized how beautiful his laugh sounded, or how dull the world seemed when he wasn't by your side.

You had fallen completely in love with the boy who you had relied on since the first day you met. You could only hope that maybe he felt the same.

"We should probably get going so we can actually sit on your roof to stargaze while the stars are still out." Felix laughed and shifted to get up.

You stood up and stretched before staring to gather your things and Felix put out the fire. Once you were back at his car you put everything in the trunk and before you could get in Felix stopped you.

"I love you, Y/N. I really don't know where I'd be without you." He whispered while pulling you into a hug.

You hugged him back as tightly as you could and held onto him like your life depended on it. "I love you too, Lix. More than anything."

You two stayed like that for a minute before he pulled away with a sigh. A smile was plastered on his face as he walked to the drivers side and got in.

The drive was silent except the gentle music that came from the speakers and Felix humming along to it. He pulled into your driveway and the two of you walked over to the side of your house and climbed up onto your roof.

—

You guys had sat for awhile, talking about plans for the future, how you felt about school being over, summer plan, anything and everything you could.

Eventually the topic had moved to love, family, once again your guys' future. You felt nervous as you debated telling him about your feelings. Once you had decided you would you went to open your mouth to say something but he spoke up first.

"Y/N, I can't imagine a future that isn't with you. You're all I can see. I'm so in love with you... I just wish I had told you earlier. I understand if you don't feel the same I just... I wanted you to know..." He said while taking your hand in his.

"You mean that?" You whispered back to him.

He nodded. "With all my heart."

"I love you too. I have for awhile now. I love you a lot more than I knew I could actually." You said.

He smiled and leaned in to kiss you. When the two of you pulled away he smirked at you and said "Who needs to look up when I can see the stars in your eyes right now."

You rolled your eyes at his cheesy line and tapped the tip of his nose. "Yeah well I can find at least three constellations in your freckles right now. You're even prettier than the night sky, you know that sunshine?"

"That's ironic." He laughed and kissed you again.

—

Years had passed and you and Felix were together now. Despite the occasional arguments that all couples had, everything was perfect. You were happier than you knew was possible with him and he felt the same. Living in a small apartment in the city with your soulmate made each day feel like heaven on earth. He was your heaven on earth.

With your hands interlocked, you guys walked along the same beach you had gone to the night you confessed to each other. At some point he stopped and when you turned to look at him he was down on one knee pulling something out from his pocket.

"Y/N, remember when I said I couldn't imagine a future that wasn't with you? Well I wanna make that a reality. You are my future. So will you marry me?" He said with a worried smile on his face.

You laughed excitedly and nodded while he got up to kiss you. "Of course I'll marry you, sunshine." you whispered with a smile as big as possible.

(Admin Angel ☀️)

#lee felix #stray kids #kpop #kpop imagines #kpop fanfic #fanfic #stray kids imagines #felix imagines #reader insert #felix x reader #lee felix x reader #skz felix #skz #stray kids fluff #felix fluff #lee felix fluff #skz fluff #skz imagines

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lunaofthevalley · 6 years

Text

The Little Mermaid of Manhattan |||

Peter Parker x Reader

Plot: Peter is saved by a Myster girl one day at the park, and he will stop at nothing to find her.

Note: If you'd like to be tagged comment down below or send me an ask. Also I'm opening up requests for imagines and Ships, if anyone is interested in that💜

For the past week, Life decided it would deal Y/N a good hand. She and Peter had managed to work out some of the details of their Drama Project, they've been doing great actually.

Much like Betty had suggested they chose a scene from The Little Mermaid, but that was more due to the fact they didn't actually find any other decent scene with a mute character. At least it worked.

And that's what they were doing right now, practicing. They were sitting in Y/N's living room floor, the TV playing the scene they had chosen to do from the film, their notebooks, in which they had written out the scene, sat on the small coffee table, where snacks and drinks were also present.

Both had agreed that the best scene to do was when Ariel and Eric met again at the beach, after Ariel's transformation. They didn't realize it at the time, or well maybe Y/N did a bit, but the scene had many parallels with real life, how Eric (Peter) is looking for the girl who saved him, with out realizing that she's right in front of him.

"So... I guess we could use a...desk for the rock," Peter suggested.

Y/N thought about if for a second before writing it down on her board, 'Yea I guess that works,' she quickly erased the message after Peter saw it and wrote something else down, 'We could also use a beanbag, there's lots of those in the classroom, more comfortable.'

"That would work great actually, there's even a gray one, so it will resemble a rock with out us even trying to make it look like a rock."

Y/N nodded eagerly in agreement after remembering said bean bag. She had become mor comfortable around him the past week. She was weary at first, afraid that he would realize it was her that day at the park, but Peter was as clueless as Eric, maybe even more so. She had actually enjoyed the week, getting to know him more and finding out he was a pretty cool guy, quite dorky, but still cool.

"Hey Y/N/N, what about wardrobe, how should we dress?" He asked.

'I'm not wrapping a piece of fabric around myself,' she wrote in reply.

Peter let out what you could call a giggle, it was quite adorable. "I wasn't suggesting that. Maybe you could wear a beige dress, that is if you own one and we could tie some rope around it."

'Yea that works. You just need a white button up, some jeans and a red cloth.' She showed him the board and he nodded in agreement. She then turned the board around and wrote something else before showing it to him.

"Ahh yes, can't forget the black boots. Most important part of the outfit," He said sarcastically.

Y/N made a face at him and he just grinned in return.

"Well, if I have to use the black boots, then you have to wear a wig."

Y/N pretended to be insulted, 'what's wrong with my beautiful hair?'

Peter rolled his eyes, "There is nothing wrong with your hair, I just think that if we really want to sell the scene we both need to be in full costume, and for you that includes a bright red wig." He explained, "Plus I really want to know what you would look like as a red head."

'I would look terrible as a red head.'

Peter thought about it for a second, "Yea maybe you might. All I'm imagining right now is you looking like some off-brand Weasley sibling."

Y/N leant back in shock and then proceeded to throw handfuls of popcorn at Peter.

"Hey...no...stop it...it was a joke" he said in between laughs, "I'm sorry."

Both of them were now doubled over in laughter, a mess of popcorn lying around them, the faint sound of kiss the girl played in the background.

After calming down Y/N looked at her phone to see the time as Peter began picking up popcorn.

'Hey, wanna have a quick lunch break, I can heat up the frozen pizza.' She wrote and showed it to Peter.

"Sounds good, I'm actually super hungry. While you do that I'll clean up this mess." He gestured to the popcorn.

He stood up and held out his hand which Y/N gladly took and he helped her to stand up. Y/N made her way to the kitchen to start preparing the pizza while Peter went to get the broom from the supply closet. Y/N decided to listen to some music while she waited for the pizza to be ready, she set it down on the counter, putting her music on shuffle.

Peter was just finishing up cleaning the popcorn when he heard it. The song he's been endlessly thinking about since that day in the park. After listening to it for a few seconds longer he determined it was indeed the same song.

He slowly made his way to the kitchen where he found Y/N putting the pizza in the stove. Y/N turned to him and noticed he had a faraway look on his face as he stared at something. Y/N followed his line of sight and she saw he was staring at her phone, and that's when it clicked.

The song.

It was the same song she sang that day at the park, and Peter was realizing it.

"Y/N." he suddenly spoke. She turned to look back at him, his gaze was till on the phone, which was a good thing, he wouldn't realize she looked like a deer caught in headlights. "What's the name of that song?"

Y/N grabbed her board and slowly wrote down the title before handing the board to him. He gently took it and his eyes scanned over the title.

"Songbird." He said tentatively, as if testing out the name, "It's called Songbird. By Fleetwood Mac."

Y/N stood there like a scolded child, looking down at the floor as she bounced on her heels. Had he found out it was her? He hasn't said anything about the fact just yet so that made her hopeful.

She tried to think of why it would be such a horrible thing if Peter found out the truth, but she truly couldn't come up with an explanation.

Oh how she would love to have a Jamaican sounding Crab advisor right now.

After Peter had made peace with the name of the song he handed the board back to Y/N. "Sorry if that was strange. It's just I had heard that song before but I didn't know what it was called."

Y/N only nodded and wrote back 'it's okay.'

Thing had become slightly tense, so much that you could cut it with a knife. The only sound in the room came from Y/N's phone. They both just stood there awkwardly, neither knowing what to say. Their hunger and project far forgotten.

Peter was the first to speak up, "Hey um I think I'll go now. I think we made good progress."

Y/N only nodded and followed him to collect his stuff and then to walk him to the door. As Peter slung his back pack over his shoulder and grabbed his coat he turned back to Y/N.

"Hey um, I almost forgot to tell you but we can't meet up at my house tomorrow. I have to go do some spid- internship......yeah I mean internship stuff at the tower...so I asked Mr.Stark if you could go there to work and he said yes," he explained, "I'll...uh, text you the details later." And with that he was out the door, leaving Y/N to ponder over that information by herself.

She would be going to Stark tower tomorrow. That was.....great.

So much had happened in the last few minutes that her brain hadn't properly processed everything. Right now all she needed a warm slice of pizza and a sprite, she found these were the remedies to her existential life problems.

_______________________

She was having another existential life problem as she stared up at the huge tower before her.

She was currently standing outside the towers entrance, too afraid to go in, but it the end David needed to confront Goliath, so she walked through the doors.

She quickly sent a text to Peter to inform him that she had arrived. He replied a couple of minutes later telling her someone would be down shortly to get her.

After waiting a few more minutes a nice looking man in a suit appeared. He looked around the room before spotting her sitting down at one of the couches the lobby offered.

"Are you Y/N Y/L/N?" He asked.

Y/N nodded as she gathered her stuff and stood up.

"I'm Happy, the kid... I mean Peter sent me down to get you." He explained as he started walking back towards the elevator. Y/N quickly began to walk behind him, following him into the elevator. When the doors closed he turned to her and gave her a once over. "I'm taking you to a private floor, so no misbehaving, no touching stuff, no shouting, no screaming, no wandering, you stay where I leave you, capiche?"

Y/N nodded.

"Good, we got that clear." As he said that the doors of the elevator opened and Happy led Y/N out and towards a briefing room.

He opened the door and gestured for her to go in. "Alright so you'll be staying here Miss Y/L/N, and for your sake and mine please follow the previously stated rules. Peter is doing some....internship stuff, but he'll shortly be with you."

Y/N nodded again.

"Well that's all, goodbye." With that happy left and Y/N was left to her own devices, so she decided to do some of her other homework while she waited for Peter.

After 30 minutes had gone by with still no sign of Peter she decided to send him t to see where he was. She received a reply after a few minutes.

'Sorry for the delay, doing some last minute internship stuff, won't me much longer.'

She let out a big sigh. Maybe she shouldn't have come to the tower today, she could've been happily spending her Saturday at home watching Netflix, but instead she was holed up in a meeting room in stark tower waiting for Peter who was very late. She decided she would just keep working on her homework while she waited.

Even after finishing up all her other work, there was still no sign of Peter. It had been more than an hour already and Y/N was becoming really bored.

Seeing she was in a safe space she subconsciously began singing, starting with Part of your World which had been stuck in her head for the past week and then went on to sing Songbird.

She began quietly, barely audible, whispering it to herself, but after the first chorus she started singing a little louder, but not enough it would catch someone's attention. And then, just as she had finished the song she heard clapping. She quickly sat up straight and looked to the door, where Tony Stark was now standing.

"Has anyone ever told you, you have a very nice voice? Very nice, like honey for the ears."

Y/N could only stare at him with wide eyes. He had just heard her sing. But he couldn't know it was her right? He had arrived after she made her escape.

"Well I doubt it since apparently you're supposed to be mute. Peter told me when he asked if you could come over, and then Happy just told me a while ago about Peter's weird but very well educated mute friend." He walked over and sat in a chair in front of hers.

"You wanna know what else is weird? Peter was just telling me yesterday about that song. Songbird by Fleetwood Mac right? It's quite strange a 16 year old listens to Fleetwood Mac, I thought you kids were only into Justin Beaver and One Discretion."

She stared at him as he went on. What was he getting at? And did he say those names wrong on purpose or was that what he actually thought they were called?

"Anyway, its nice to know there's kids out there with good music taste." He said as he stared her down. "But you wanna know what has me flabbergasted? I feel like I've heard your voice before, which seems unlikely seeing as I've never met you before."

Y/N fidgeted in her seat, she could no longer look Tony in the eye.

"Hey I think I remember now where I've heard it before. Friday, play back Peter's suit recording from last weekend, the one taken after the spider slam dunk in the lake."

After a few seconds the room was filled with the sound of Y/N's voice again, only this time it wasn't her singing, but a muffled recording of her voice that was being played in the rooms speakers.

After the recording stopped playing Y/N slowly turned to look at Tony who had been gazing at her, studying her every move since the recording begun.

"Guessing by your reaction, which quite frankly makes it look like you want to vomit, I'll say I was right, and that in fact is you in the recording. But I think that was already obvious, not many kids now a days listen to good ol' Fleetwood Mac."

Tony then stood up and straightened out his suit and walked towards the door, but before he left he turned back to look at Y/N.

"Don't worry. Your secret is safe with me....Little Mermaid."

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authenticchannel-blog · 7 years

Text

Why You Won't Know Love Until You Love Yourself

"You won't know love until you love yourself." -- Who Knows

I used to hate this saying. "What does that even mean?" I maintained. "I've never loved myself, but I've been in love many times!" I found it petty and judgmental. If this idea was going to be pumped through Hallmark Cards, Zen yoga studios, and Self Help books, then it might as well include how the hell someone goes about accomplishing "loving themselves".

We're told that self love is the greatest bliss of all. It's the beginning of joy, the way to your soulmate, and indicates elevation of consciousness. But, the idea haunts us. It makes us feel small, weak, and destined to fall short. Like so many of us, I had more critical than loving things to say about myself. As a matter of fact, I thought it was loving to criticize myself! How was I supposed to be a better person if I didn't tell myself how awful I currently was? How was I supposed to love myself when I had a lot of work to do to make myself lovable?

In October, 2013, I got my greatest lesson in self love when I suffered a break up from, who I thought, was my soulmate. We had met at a bar in NYC: he the bartender, I the waitress who worked down the street, frequenting the bar far too often. He was a handsome Irishman from the small town of, Sligo, which happened to be the same town as my great grandmother (talk about synchronicity). I fell so hard, I could have left a face print in cement. I thought "This is it, this is the love I've been waiting for!"

My heart was always bursting out of my chest when I would see him; I felt alive and excited for our future. I doted on him, always made myself available, traveled Europe with him, for 6 weeks, from Ireland, Spain, Italy, to Paris, and gave him every ounce of my love, affection, and support. To me, I was experiencing ultimate perfection; I was in heaven... But I always had a nagging feeling he would leave me, which towered over every moment.

After we broke up, I spent the next year rebuilding my self-esteem, asking all the questions we normally ask: Why did we break up? Why did it end like this? How could this have been avoided? When you dive into yourself to explore the deeper waters of your inner conflicts, prepare for the pressure.

This is what I discovered about my half of our relationship: I had spent the majority of it dealing with my insecurities, my drinking problem, and my hang ups over my family issues. I overcompensated for what I thought were my worst qualities, and made sure I was the best damn girlfriend he could ask for. And I think he'd agree, I WAS a great girlfriend. The problem was I didn't know I was a great Vanessa. I didn't know how to show up with my own qualities and self assurance, instead, adopting what I thought a great girlfriend should do and be. I couldn't move past the fear of losing him, so I lost myself, and put someone "perfect" in my place. This resulted in emotional breakdowns due to high expectations, an inability to hear anything but what I wanted to hear, manipulation when I felt I was losing him, and a dependence on his happiness for my own. I thought his love would somehow fix everything that was wrong and "bad" about me.

What I realized about my role in the end of our story was that I genuinely did not love myself. This realization led me to wonder: why do the vast majority of us not know the feeling of self love? Over years of pondering, I eliminated the possibilities down to three perspectives that roll into each other: 1) we're told to love ourselves, despite the fact that we don't know what self love actually means 2) because we don't know what it means to love ourselves, we act in self gratifying ways as a means to distance ourselves from others and 3) from this confusion we decide to approach our happiness by being either selfish or selfless. The overwhelming need to re-imagine these three perspectives has changed my world for the better. We'll start with the first perspective: what exactly is "self love"?...

1) Self love is what you value

I think we'd all agree that self love and self worth are interchangeable. When we speak of one we are speaking of the other. So, assuming we all consider "love" impossible to describe, let's define worth:

Worth: equivalent in value to the sum or item specified

So if we take this definition and define it for human interaction, it would go something like this:

Worth: you are as valuable as everyone else.

This is the mantra of self love and living with integrity (feeling whole): YOU are as valuable as others and what you VALUE is just as important as what others value. If you don't know what you value, then you will not find yourself valuable, opting to follow other's values over your own or sacrifice other's needs because you despartately want to be valued. This leads to knowing what you want from another person instead of knowing what you have to offer. This idea can be best described in two opposing labels we all know very well: "givers" and "takers." I put the words in quotations because these labels are a facade, an identity we hide behind to lick our wounds when our relationships go badly. In our society, "givers" are the saints and "takers" are the sinners. One has an angel's halo of martyrdom while the other dons the devil's horns of greed. These labels are one of the biggest hurtles we must face on the road to joyously loving ourselves and others, as they create the separation of us vs. them:

If you've ever been in a relationship where you've given everything to another person, only to be left a hollow shell, burned and discarded, you know what it's like to be a "giver." If you've ever been in a relationship where you've enjoyed the comfort and ease of another person's gifts and affection, feeling the power and security of the upper hand, you know what it's like to be a "taker." But, the fact is, everyone is both giving and taking, simultaneously. The negative forms of giving/taking are most evident in our painful relationships, as each person is riding on their "one way street":

If you emotionally and physically give endlessly to another, you are looking for approval and love to follow your efforts. In essence, you're hinging the amount of love and attention you hope to receive to the amount that you give, as you feel undeserving otherwise (giving vitality to receive vitality).

If you emotionally and physically receive endlessly from someone, your are looking for admiration and attention, offering to be a shrine for the other person. In essence, you're ignoring their efforts for love and approval in order to boost your own self esteem, giving you a sense of pride that you can display to others (receiving vitality to give vitality).

When you love yourself, you will have learned the "two way street" of both giving and taking, as both are necessary for our happiness and cooperation. The positive forms of giving/taking are most evident in our healthy and easy relationships:

If you know what you value (i.e. equality, space, communication, a generous heart), then you aren't threatened by that which another has to offer, giving them room to express themselves as themselves. In essence, you know what qualities of love you want to receive (take), which allows for an authentic exchange of emotion and discovery, no matter if the relationship continues or not.

If you know what you have to offer (i.e. cooking amazing meals, always dependable, can make anyone laugh so hard they fall over) then you can give freely to others, as your vitality is strengthened by making others feel good by giving what feels good to you! In essence, you know what qualities of love you have to offer (give) that make you and others happy.

Self love is what we value in ourselves (what we offer or give to others) and what we value for ourselves (what we need from others to feel secure and safe). Now we come to the second part of our journey. How we create distance and isolation...

2) Self love is demonstrated in faith

Self-gratification (pleasing oneself without considering others) is rooted in the fear of rejection. We are so scared that what we have to offer is boring, useless, annoying, ridiculous, over dramatic, offensive, or plain bad. This carves out a hole in our hearts (no quotations needed, because it's real), which we somehow can't seem to fill.

We self-gratify by overeating, over shopping, experimenting with drugs, binging alcohol, constantly socializing, serial dating, criticizing, putting others down, demanding attention, having children to alleviate loneliness or to gain government paychecks, controlling and dominating our environment and others, condemning other's due to race and/or creed, compulsively giving up what we want for the happiness of another, demanding what we want from others for our happiness, and isolating ourselves from the world. Our fear of exposure for all that is bad in us keeps us from truly connecting with each other. How do we feel the joy of another when all we want is their approval or attention? We are searching for proof that we are lovable; that every need and desire we have is good and valuable to those we love and beyond. But, our fear of being abandonded by those we love, causes us to adopt the philosophy that no one can be trusted to truly love us, unaware that we, too, are a part of "no one". This lack of trust in ourselves and others creates a vicious cycle: withholding ourselves because we are afraid of rejection, thus constantly being rejected because we are withholding ourselves.

In order to trust others, we must, first, have faith in ourselves. We do that by getting in touch with how we feel. How we feel offers us faith, how we think offers us skepticism (or need for proof). We, far too often, applaud logic over our emotions, causing confusion and muddled beliefs. But, those who consider how they feel to be the only necessary measure for an appropriate reaction leaves everyone subject to the fragility of that person's emotional life, be it for the better or worse of the relationship. We either must be wholly feelers or wholly thinkers, as one must be right and the other wrong. Now, I'm going to offer science here for those who feel they have a moral obligation to society to uphold logic over feelings at all costs, and for those who think their emotions are the only true reality of the self:

The hypothalamus, the gland in your body that produces the chemical responses for emotions, is activated by what you are thinking. If you think about something negatively or positively, your hypothalamus produces neuropeptides that carry the unique code for negative or positive emotion. They soak into your blood, then translate through your body as feeling bad or feeling good (decreased energy and vitality, increased energy and vitality). This goes for all thoughts, as they produce all emotions.*

All this to say: what we think is how we feel. They work together, not separately. When we trust our thinking (skepticism) over our feelings (faith), we tell our emotions how to prepare for the outside world. When we trust our feelings over our thinking, we tell our mind that it can't see the outside world clearly. When we trust them both together, we interact with ourselves through self reflection, choosing to adjust or remain steady according to our goals and desires.

Thinking over feeling: I've been burned way too many times by guys who've cheated on me, so I'm going to insure my happiness with the next guy by always being by his side, so it never happens again.

Feeling over thinking: I've been cheated on enough to know all men are liars and cheats, so I'm happy over here doing my own thing!

Feeling and thinking: I've been really hurt in the past by men who've cheated, so I'm going to figure out what values I have that align with guys who don't respect me, as I would like to be in a happy and healthy relationship.

Our emotions are our light house and our values (how we think) are steering our ships. We must trust that the values we hold will dedicate us to our goals, allowing our emotions to illuminate our paths. When we choose to accept our feelings as a guide to our happiness, we will be able to trust that we are good and worthy beings, simply expressing ourselves in all our massive glory.

3) Self love is both selfish and selfless

I used to ask myself "Why do I deserve to be happy? I've done so many things I regret." We all deserve to be happy, no matter the crimes we've committed. I'm appealing to the majority of the population who are not sociopaths: we love each other. We want to see a smile on everyone's face, including our own. Though some of us have been led far astray, I think we can all agree with the compassionate words of Oscar Wilde, "Every saint has a past, and every sinner has a future."

Self love is both selfish and selfless. We selfishly gather up our friends, personal comforts, and sense of purpose as vitality and supportive energy, then selflessly spring forth that which makes us happy for the use and joy of others. When we do what makes us happy, it makes others happy, and that's the most effective service of all. The more we learn to love ourselves, the more we accept the reality of who we are: creative beings creating for others. So, start your hat shop, go learn the tango, get on a dating site, let go of your ex, find a job that listens to your ideas, join a volunteer group, be kind and helpful to someone in need, open up to each other's love and opinions, and blaze a trail of self love for others to follow.

Life can be unpredictable and scary at times. Sometimes, we don't know where we're going, or which choice to make. Listening to our feelings and values may, at times, lead us down painful paths. But life is about learning and growing, not winning and controlling. Instead of expecting, emulate what you want from others. You aren't always meant to marry the first person you fall in love with or keep the same job you started. Not every family has what you need, so make sure you find your people. Your dream job may no longer motivate you, so find your next calling. The relationship you thought would last forever may end in sadness and remorse, but, I guarantee, each breakup carries a seed of self discovery. Let your light shine and have faith that you are here for the same reason as everyone else: to create the life that will bring you joy, and, in turn, bring joy to others.

Know you are loved, know you are lovable, know your love is worth sharing with the world,

Vanessa Bartlett

Founder of The Authentic Channel

*(Dr. Candace Pert , Molecules of Emotion, New York: Scribner 2010)

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