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fanficimagery · 2 years

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Mending the Heartbreak

When your boyfriend cheats on you, you find yourself hanging out with Max more and more. In doing so, Billy Hargrove proves he's a changed guy. Could this be the start of something new?

Words: 8.7K Author's Note: I love Eddie and Chrissy, but sometimes you need a bad guy and sacrifices must be made. Just a few words said out of frustration are mentioned- no cat fight because Chrissy really is too kind for that. AU because Vecna doesn't happen. I actually don’t remember writing this. It sucks, but you guys voted so here you go lmao.

With tears in your eyes, you walk across the street and then down the sidewalk until you're two houses down. The house you're approaching has a blue Camaro parked in the driveway, which nearly makes you turn back around until its owner is gone, but you need to speak with Max and you need to speak with her now.

Knocking on the front door, you step back and cross your arms over your chest. You scuff the toe of your shoe on the front stoop, waiting patiently, and are rewarded when the front door is yanked open. Billy Hargrove looks disgruntled at being interrupted, but his demeanor softens just a bit and an eyebrow arches at your appearance.

You sniffle and attempt to gulp down the lump in your throat. "Hi, Billy. Is, uh, is Max home?"

"She's sick."

"I just- I need to speak with her real quick and then I'll leave. Promise."

"Whatever." With his gaze still on you, Billy barely turns his head to call over his shoulder, "Maxine! The door's for you!"

It takes a few seconds for the familiar redhead to stomp through the living room, but when she catches sight of you on the other side of the door with red puffy eyes as you attempt to hold yourself together, her expression immediately softens as she asks, "YN? What happened?" She steps in front of Billy, but Billy is apparently interested to know what's going on with you now and doesn't attempt to give you any privacy.

"Did you know?" You ask.

"Know what?"

"That Eddie fucked Chrissy." Her eyes widen as Billy snorts something that suspiciously sounds like fuckin' idiot behind her back. "Did you know?"

"What?" Her tone is eerily calm and then she explodes. For someone who's sick, her anger is still something to behold. "When did this happen?!"

"Last month." Your shoulders sag since it seems she didn't know either. "Jason taunted me with the information like the asshole he is and then confronted both Chrissy and Eddie in the cafeteria in front of everyone. Apparently all of Hellfire knew, so now I'm just trying to figure out who my friends really are since the boys quickly banded together in support of their dungeon master. He can do no wrong in their eyes."

"All of Hell.." she trails off, glassy eyes hardening. "Lucas knew?"

"Yep. All the youngsters looked apologetic, but Eddie needed them more than me, I guess."

"That stupid son of a-" Her fist smacks into the door jamb in her anger. "I'm going to murder him!" You wince when you see how angry she truly is, most likely more at her boyfriend for not telling her, but still. "And Eddie too! I mean, what the hell was he thinking?!"

"I don't know, but- please don't do anything rash. I didn't tell you to make you upset with them. I just- I needed to know that at least one friend wasn't a liar."

"What about El? Or Robin?"

You shrug. "I adore El, but you're my favorite freshman. Plus, she and Mike are sickeningly dependent on one another. And Robin? I don't have lunch with her so I don't know if she knows what's happened yet. I left school after Eddie didn't deny the accusation."

Max takes a few breaths before calming herself and she sags against the doorway, her exhaustion catching up to her. "If I had known, I'd have told you. I can't believe he would- and that the others would-" She stops, sighing in aggravation.

"I guess this is what I get for getting too comfortable with a guy I assumed wouldn't cheat on me because everyone thought he was a freak." You shrug, offering her a faint smile. Max doesn't say anything in return and you take a moment to look her up and down. Most teenagers fake sick to get out of school, but Max doesn't look like she's faking it now. "Go back to bed, Max. I, uh, I didn't think you were actually sick."

She looks at you, gaze momentarily unfocused. "Yeah. Yeah, I should. We'll talk more later and plot your revenge."

As Max tiredly turns and walks back to her room, your romantic issues take a backseat while your concern for your young friend blossoms. "Has her mom been giving her anything to help her get better?" You ask since Billy is still by the door.

"Hell if I know. There's a bunch of medicine bottles on the counter, but she keeps barfing everything up."

You frown and then meet his gaze. "I'm skipping school tomorrow. Do you mind if I come over after your dad and her mom leave? I know a recipe that'll help with the nausea."

"It's your deathbed if you catch whatever she has." You huff and his lips faintly twitch in amusement. "That'll be fine. Maybe then you can keep an eye on her while I head to the garage and clock in for a few hours."

You nod. "Sounds like a plan."

"My dad leaves at seven, but Susan's not out of here until nine thirty."

"Susan's not an issue, Neil is," you tell him. He tenses for the briefest of moments and you're quick to assure him that while you know just what Neil gets up to behind closed doors, you don't plan to stick your nose in his business. "I know a shitty parent when I see one, Hargrove. You just get home before he does. That's all I ask."

Billy mumbles an agreement and then he's shutting the door on you.

Since you had a private phone line in your room, you had no problem disconnecting it when you were suddenly bombarded with phone calls after school had let out. You locked up the house, pulled all the curtains closed, and then told your mother about your breakup when she got home so she'd know to send anyone who came looking for you away.

And since you were heartbroken, your mother had no problem letting you skip the day since it was Friday and it'd give you an extra day to pull yourself together. Though after she left, you quickly gathered all the ingredients you'd need for soup, and a pot, and waited patiently until Susan left the Hargrove house.

When you finally get to the Hargrove house, Billy is already dressed and lets you in before taking his leave and promising to be back by three.

Max is relieved that she doesn't have to listen to Billy's music blaring and that she actually has someone to talk to. You make soup for lunch and give her some ginger ale that she's immediately grateful for, and you spend the day crying in her room as she promises to give the boys a piece of mind when she's feeling better.

The weekend goes about the same, the only difference is that you take to hiding out at Max's when Eddie shows up to your house and then continuously stops by after your mother repeatedly sends him away. And then Lucas makes the mistake of showing up at Max's window one day (luckily you were sprawled on the opposite side of her room, so he didn't see you), and Max ripped into him about knowing about Eddie's deceit and the fact that he kept it from you- you, of all people, who never treated them like they were kids when everyone else did. Lucas was ashamed, but still held fast that he didn't want to get in the middle of it. Max had huffed and told him he put himself in the middle of it when he took Eddie's side rather than making sure you were okay.

It's now Monday morning and you're still not ready to face the masses, but you know you have to. And since your usual ride to school is with your boyf- ex-boyfriend, you take off walking a lot earlier than usual so you can hopefully make it to the school on time.

You've been walking for fifteen minutes when you hear a vehicle approach from behind and you hunch your shoulders when you hear the telltale sound of metal music being lowered. As the van pulls up beside you, you offer Eddie a brief look before looking forward and continuing on your way.

"Can we talk?" He asks, hanging out the driver's side window.

"Nope. I'm good."

"Sweetheart, please." You shake your head, scoffing. As you cried yourself out over the weekend, anger started to mingle with your sadness and you can feel that anger bubbling to the surface right now. Instead of lashing out, however, you grip the straps of your backpack and squeeze to focus on something else. "Just get in the van. I'll take you to school. We won't talk if you really don't want to."

"No, thanks.."

"YN."

"Don't!" You suddenly whirl on him, eyes blazing. Eddie brakes, eyes wide as he takes you in. "You don't get to plead or be sad or demand my time. You fucked up! You."

"I know. I fucked up and I'm sorry," he tells you, eyes getting glossy. "I'm sitting here telling you I'm sorry. Chrissy doesn't- she doesn't mean anything. I don't need her, sweetheart. I need you."

"Yeah? Well that would have been nice if you felt that way last month."

You shake your head at him, jaw clenching. Then just as you move to continue walking, a blue Camaro screeches to a stop just on the other side of the road. The driver's side window is rolled down and Billy's head lolls to the side, sunglasses shielding his eyes. He slowly smirks just as Max exits the passenger door so she can look at you over the roof of the car.

"Get in loser, Billy's chauffeuring."

Your anger immediately melts as you laugh. Before you can cross the road, though, you glance back at Eddie to find him frowning at the stepsiblings. "Hey, Munson?" He quickly looks back at you, expression turning hopeful. "In case it wasn't clear, we're done. I don't want to talk and I definitely don't want to hear any excuses or apologies. Just.. just stop."

"YN!" Eddie calls out one last time, but you pay him no mind.

Looking both ways to make sure no one is coming, you jog across the road to a grinning Max. She readily climbs into the backseat and you take off your backpack to rest at your feet as you settle into the passenger seat. You can still see Eddie's van from the corner of your eye, but you only look at Billy. "Thanks for the ride."

"Max's idea," he drawls. Billy takes his car out of park and peels out, picking up speed as he heads towards Hawkins High. But you're used to chaotic driving, so you merely sit back and exhale softly in contentment. From the corner of your eye, you see Billy glance in your direction before saying, "That conversation didn't look fun."

You huff. "Not one bit."

"Eddie seemed like a decent dude, even if I thought you were out of his league," Max says and that surprises a laugh out of you, "but you deserve better than that. Don't let him sweet talk himself out of this colossal fuck up."

"Hey!" Billy barks, glaring at her in the rearview mirror to which she rolls her eyes. "Language."

You grin as Max rolls her eyes. "I told him we were done," you say. "Now it's just a matter if he'll listen and actually leave me alone. I don't have any classes with him, but I do have lunch with both Eddie and Chrissy, and then my last class is with Chrissy."

"Chrissy won't dare to confront you," Max tells you. "And as for lunch, we'll form our own table. Screw Hellfire."

. . . .

Heads always turned when Billy's Camaro careened into the student parking lot, no matter that he had already graduated, and today was no different. Especially when people realized just who exactly was getting out of his car.

You grimaced at all the staring and whispering, Billy soaked up all the attention, and Max glared at anyone who stared a little too long. Dustin, Mike, Lucas and Will stood by the bike rack and Lucas tried to eagerly wave down Max, but she merely sneered at him before hooking her arm through yours and dragging you into the school building. You tried to tell her to not let your issues with the boys interfere with her relationship, but she merely brushed your words off and told you to shut up.

You had to endure pitying stares and snickering behind your back throughout the first half of the day, but by now you'd learned to tune them out.

At lunch, poor El looked torn between choosing to sit with you and Max or sitting with her boyfriend at the Hellfire table. You assured her you wouldn't hold it against her if she sat with Mike, but after giving it some thought she sat with you and Max. She mentioned something about girl power and you chuckled as you tried to eat under the heavy stare of your ex.

Then the much-dreaded class with Chrissy Cunningham is finally upon you and you take your seat without even looking in the direction of where she usually sits. You take out your notebook, textbook, and a pen, and wait a little too anxiously for class to start.

But the seconds seem to drag on, giving Chrissy an opening to approach you. "YN?"

Her timid voice makes you grip your pen a little harder than necessary and your ears start to burn in embarrassment when you hear the students sitting around the room stop talking in hopes of a confrontation. But you're not going to give them one. "Stay on your side of the room, Cunningham. I'm not in the mood to hear your excuse."

"I'm really sorry." Her cracking voice makes your jaw clench, but you still refuse to meet her gaze. She sniffles. "I didn't mean for any of this to happen. Jason is just really mean, and Eddie was so nice as he listened to me vent, and then one thing led to another and-"

You slam your hands on your desk, startling Chrissy, and glare up at the crying girl who's seen better days. "Then you talk to a goddamn counselor about your issues," you seethe. "You don't fuck another girl's boyfriend because he's better than what you have." Chrissy hiccups on a sob, but you're done with the conversation. "Now get the hell out of my face."

Uncapping your pen, you open your notebook to a clean page and start doodling. Chrissy hurries back to her seat, gathers her belongings and then runs out of class. Shoulders slumping, you inhale and then exhale deeply to center yourself. You just have this last class and then you're free to go.

You occupy yourself by taking notes during the class, ignoring the looks you can see being thrown your way from the corner of your eye. People whisper and pass notes the entire time, and you're relieved when the final bell rings.

You make a quick stop by your locker to leave your backpack since you have no homework and then make your way outside. You reluctantly intend to walk home, but you spot Billy leaning against the hood of his car as he smokes a cigarette. No doubt he's waiting for Max and, not in the mood to spend half an hour walking home, you walk towards him in hopes for yet another ride.

"Hey, Hargrove."

"YN." You come to a stop a few feet before him, thumbs hooking into the pocket of your jeans. "So, uh, I know the ride this morning wasn't your idea, but could you possibly help a girl out and give me a ride home? I'm so over today and don't want to get caught off guard again."

His lips twitch. "Munson still groveling?"

You shrug. "He stared, but Chrissy tried her luck during my last class. I'm over it."

"Did she have better luck?"

"What do you think?" You deadpan and Billy chuckles as he flicks the butt of his cigarette away. He seems a lot more mellow than he used to be, then again a near death experience inside a burning mall would probably do that to a person. "She tried to pass off their hook-up as one thing leading to another and it took everything in me to not scream at her. But I still made her cry even more than she already was, so I'm pretty sure those still loyal to her think I'm a bitch."

"Screw them." He lights another cigarette and takes a long drag from it. Exhaling the smoke, he nods to the spot beside him. "Get comfy. Max usually takes a bit longer."

You sag in relief. "Thank you."

Being single after spending nearly an entire year in a relationship takes some getting used to. You still have your moments where you mourn everything you lost when you broke up with Eddie, but Max, Robin, and Steve are there to make sure you don't spiral. Even Billy gives you support, which is weird, but you figure he just takes great joy in being seen with you in front of Eddie or his friends and rubbing it in their faces that you speak to him of all people.

Eddie's taken to staring at you from across the school parking lot or cafeteria, and Jason surprised everyone by taking Chrissy back and keeping her tucked under his arm at all times when walking the hallways.

For weeks, a new routine makes itself known- Billy driving both you and Max to school, and then picking you up afterwards. His only condition is that you stay with Max when their parents are out so he can do whatever he wants without them jumping down his throat for not knowing where Max was. You easily agreed.

But sooner or later you knew Max's ire with Lucas would dwindle and you'd be stuck on your lonesome.

Or so you thought.

Walking over to the Hargrove house, the only vehicle out front is the Camaro. It's lifted on some jack stands and you can see a pair of oil splattered jean-clad legs peeking out from beneath the car. Rock music plays on a stereo not far from where Billy lays and you walk up to it, crouching to lower the volume.

"What the-"

"Just me, Hargrove," you tell him before he can get too pissed. "Is Max home?"

Billy slides out from underneath his car and you arch an eyebrow at how messy he looks. He rolls his eyes when he sees you holding back a laugh. "She took off to the arcade to see those other friends of hers."

"Oh." Your shoulders slump. "Well damn."

He snorts. "Got a little dependent there, huh?"

"A little." You wince when you realize you had attached yourself to Max and had possibly taken up too much of her time. Then again, if she didn't want to hang out, she was the type to speak up. "Well there goes my day," you mumble. "I'll let you get back to work."

But before you can turn his music back up, Billy stops you. "I'm almost done here. If you want to hang out, we'll hit up a diner afterwards. You're buying."

"Do you think I'm made out of cash or what?" At his deadpan stare, you huff and roll your eyes. "Fine. Whatever. I'll buy."

He smirks. "Thanks, sweetheart."

"Bite me."

Billy laughs as your nose wrinkles at the affectionate nickname and pulls himself back under his car. "Be a good girl and hand me a wrench. It's the-"

"I know what a wrench is, jackass." You reach into his tool box and grab the tool he's requested. "I might be a girl, but I'm pretty sure I'm one of the only girls at Hawkins High who knows her way around a set of tools."

As Billy works, you sit there on the pavement of his driveway, handing him tools and rags when requested as you fill him in about how nothing's really changed at school. People are still gossiping dicks and you lost quite a handful of friends who were more loyal to Eddie.

Billy huffs and scoffs at certain points of your rambling, and then shares a bit about his past in California. You're surprised to find out that one of his first relationships ended with his ego being wounded when he found out the older girl he was seeing was also seeing someone else on the side. He isn't a fan of cheating either, which is why he prefers hookups over a relationship.

Or at least he did.

Apparently, he hasn't given dating a second thought after what had happened over summer. He'd been more worried about getting his car in working order after he'd crashed it and working to save up some cash so he could get out of Hawkins.

From that day forward, after you've treated Billy to a late lunch, you find yourself seeking out his company to give Max a break every now and then. She notices you hanging out with her stepbrother more and more, but she doesn't seem to mind so you take that as a win. She does, however, tell you to not get too attached. While Billy has seemed to have changed, she doesn't think he's changed too much and doesn't want you to have your heart broken yet again.

You assure her it's not like that between you and Billy, but the more time you spend with him, the more you find yourself at ease with him.

And knowing yourself, the more at ease you are with someone, the easier it is to catch feelings.

New Year's Eve is upon you and you're comfortably snuggled up on your sofa, watching the events before the ball drops on TV. Your mother is at a work party, ringing in the new year with her coworkers a few towns over and is staying overnight in a fancy hotel all thanks to her boss. She had felt bad leaving you, but you assured her you would be more than fine on your own.

Steve and Robin had invited you out, but you declined in favor of comfort.

At eleven o'clock, however, there's a pounding on your front door. Grumbling, you get up to answer it and groan when you find Billy standing there on your porch. It's freezing outside and this idiot has the audacity to wear a red dress shirt that has several buttons left unbuttoned to show off his toned chest and a gold chain hanging around his neck.

"No."

Billy smirks as you turn to walk back to the comfort of your sofa, following you in and shutting the door behind him. "Come on. It's the new year, YN! You should be out partying."

"I've already showered and am ready for bed as soon as I see everyone ring in the new year on TV."

"What are you, seventy?"

"I'm not leaving, Billy." You settle down onto the sofa, pulling the blanket over your lap.

"Show up with me and stay at least until one in the morning, and I'll stop making you buy me food in exchange for rides to and from school."

The offer makes you freeze because feeding a bottomless pit is not fun whatsoever, and you take a moment to mull it over. The longer you stay quiet, Billy starts to smirk, and you know you're going to be going out. When you groan, he laughs in victory.

"Fine, you asshole."

You stand up, grumbling all the while, and as your back turns, he says, "Wear a dress."

"Are you fuckin' kidding me?!" You whirl back around. "It's cold!"

"Not inside the house."

"But my jeans are comfy."

"I don't care. You're my pseudo-date for the night. Wear a dress. Or a skirt. I'm not picky."

"Ugh. You're the worst."

"You have fifteen minutes. Make them count!" He calls out when you turn around to head towards your room.

Hidden away in your room, you head straight for your closet. It's been a long while since you've dressed up, so donning a dress is the last thing you want to do.

But towards the back of your closet, there's a leather dress you had bought a little while ago to surprise your then boyfriend at one of his shows. It was sleeveless and the neckline practically choked you, but it was well worth it since from the tops of your breasts to your neck was all mesh. Even the rectangular cutouts down your thighs were made of mesh and it was the most jaw dropping outfit you owned.

So throwing caution to the wind, you pull out the dress. It's a little bit more snug than when you first bought it, but it fits like a second skin and hits you mid-thigh, and you just know you're gonna catch someone's eye. You forgo tights and slip your feet into a pair of black booties that have a chunky heel to them. Then your hair, which had been secured in a loose bun, is released so you can run your fingers through your tresses. You loosely plait your hair over your shoulder, leaving a few strands free to frame your face. You keep your makeup light and smoky, but don a red lipstick to give you a bit of a striking look.

As you're checking yourself out in the mirror, you allow yourself a moment to smile and feel pretty.

It's been a while since you felt this pretty.

"Hurry it up, YN! At this rate we're gonna miss the midnight hour!"

"Shut up, Hargrove!" None of your jackets compliment your outfit, so with a sigh you turn off the lights to your bedroom and bathroom, and then join Billy in the living room. "Hey, do you have a jacket I can borrow? None of mine go with my outfit." You're busy slipping earrings into your ear that you don't see Billy staring, slack jawed. And when he's quiet a little too long, you glance over at him. His eyes are on your thighs. "Billy?"

"Munson is a moron."

You roll your eyes, huffing a short laugh. Then snapping your fingers, you garner his attention. "Eyes up!" He quickly meets your gaze and smirks, unashamed. "So jacket?"

"It's in the car."

"Good. Now let's go."

Billy refuses to walk out in front of you and your eyes roll yet again. You know exactly where his gaze is going to land the second you step foot in front of him.

In the Camaro, his leather jacket is laying across the passenger seat. You pick it up and place it in your lap as you situate yourself, then slip your arms through the sleeves of the jacket. As Billy situates himself behind the wheel of his car, he takes another moment to look at you.

"What?"

"Nothing."

Billy starts his Camaro and starts to drive towards whatever party he's dragging you to. You quietly mumble the lyrics to whatever song's playing on the radio, feeling content in the passenger seat. A few minutes in and Billy's fingers are tapping along the steering wheel to the rhythm of the song before he glances at you and chuckles.

"What?" You groan.

"Nothing." His smile is infectious, and it makes you smile, squirming in your seat. "I just can't believe you've been hiding yourself beneath flannels and band tees and loose jeans all this time."

"As if I'd waste a look such as this on the boys of Hawkins High," you say while gesturing to your body.

"Well aren't I lucky I'm no longer a boy from Hawkins High."

His leering look makes you laugh out loud, shaking your head in amusement at him. "I actually don't normally dress like this. The outfit was bought on a whim a while back and then just never worn. But I wanted to feel pretty tonight, so..."

"Well mission accomplished. You look very pretty."

When you glance at him to gauge his expression, you find the leering look is gone. He's.. he's actually being serious at the moment. "Oh. Well, uh, thank you."

The rest of the drive is quiet and you sit there twiddling your thumbs until you arrive at a house where people are spilling in and out of the doorway. Snow covers everything, multi-colored Christmas lights twinkling along the house's roof and hanging from the trees. As you get out of the car and walk around to Billy's side, he readily tucks you under his arm.

"If you hook up with anyone, it better happen in one of the upstairs bedrooms. I am not walking home in this outfit."

"Relax. I'm not looking for a quick hook up," Billy says. "I'm just here to have a few drinks and not be a total loser locked in my room."

"Yeah, yeah. You say that now."

Tucked under Billy's arm, you wrap your own arm around his waist so as to not get separated from him. People call out, excited to have him gracing them with his company, and you try not to shrink when you see numerous people give you a double take.

Billy makes a beeline for the kitchen and you breathe a little easier there. It's not as packed and you readily accept the first drink he passes you.

Turning towards you, Billy raises his cup in a toast. "To a new year, a new you," he muses.

You raise your cup with a roll of your eyes. "To getting out of Hawkins."

His eyebrow arches. "I like that." Tapping his cup to yours, he repeats your toast. "To getting out of Hawkins."

The two of you down your drinks and Billy waste no time in getting you another.

Side by side, you and Billy remain under the archway to the kitchen. The TV is blaring, playing the exact same thing you had been watching, and everyone's energy is amping up the closer the clock ticks to midnight.

You're people watching as Billy talks up a few people, smirking behind the rim of your cup when female after female approaches Billy in hopes of walking off with him. But he surprises them, and you included, by brushing them off and curling his arm around your shoulders as to tell them that he's there with you.

You get a few lingering stares, especially stares that stay a little too long on your legs, and you're glad you've kept Billy's jacket on.

One female, however, apparently doesn't like the attention you're getting.

She approaches, a small crowd of her friends trailing after her. "Hi." Her tone is sickly sweet and directed at your friend.

Billy tenses at your side. "Courtney." He gives her a nod of acknowledgment, shifting uneasily and you start to chuckle under your breath.

Oh boy. Was this someone he hooked up with? Ex- hook ups are never fun.

You're ready for her to rip into Billy, but then her eyes slide to you, gaze going steely. It's your turn to tense.

"YN, right?" She asks a little too nicely. "Aren't you like dating that freak?"

Your back straightens a little at her tone and your jaw clenches in anger. Because while you and Eddie ended terribly, you're not one to bad mouth him, and you'll be damned if other people bad mouth him in front of you (Billy's the only exception because you know he does it jokingly to rile you up). "His name is Eddie," you tell her, keeping your tone as unaffected as possible. "Which you know since you clearly know who I am. No need to be a cunt just to gain the attention of a past fuck that wants nothing to do with you anymore."

"Oh shit." Billy barks out a laugh and you arch an eyebrow as the girl gapes in front of you.

"Now run along, Courtland. You're kind of killing the mood."

"I-It's Courtney!"

You shrug. "We don't care."

She splutters just as the countdown starts and her friends reach for her arms to drag her away seeing as Billy is not interested. You're glowering at the girl, making sure her friends drag her far enough away that you're not paying any attention to your friend. The countdown hits one and fingers suddenly find your chin to tilt your face upward. Lips descend upon yours, and for a second you lose yourself in the kiss, but the moment you feel a tongue seeking entrance, you break away with a gasp.

Eyes wide, you stare up at a smirking Billy. "What..?"

"You didn't think you'd ring in the new year without a kiss, did you?"

"Uh, yes?"

"Did you think that I would?"

"I actually thought you'd walk off to find someone else," you say, eyes darting to his lips before giving your head a subtle shake to clear it. Subconsciously, you lick your bottom lip and lean a little further back from him. "I lost track of time."

Clearly," he muses. He takes a sip of his drink, gaze solely on you. "We good?"

"Mhm. Yeah." Your squeaking voice says otherwise and you roll your eyes at yourself. Taking a moment to down the rest of your drink, you nod. "We're good. I was just caught off guard."

"Mhm." He hums. He placed his arm back around your shoulders and you can't help but lean against them. He lowers his mouth so it’s right next to ear and says, "Don't look now, but Courtney is fuming."

You laugh and refuse to look at the girl who is probably mentally plotting your demise. "Let her. I don't like pettiness."

Billy lets the conversation drop for a few seconds before he's saying, "You sure did jump a little too quickly to Munson's defense. You got something you wanna own up to, YN?"

You sigh. "Eddie was my friend long before he was my boyfriend. Just because we aren't together doesn't mean I'm gonna let people talk shit about him."

"Is that all?"

"Yep. Now drop it, Hargrove. Enjoy what time you have left before we have to go."

Billy huffs but does exactly as he's told, only he makes sure to drag you along tucked safely under his arm.

The days following New Year's Eve, you spend them holed up in your room. You don't seek out Max and you definitely don't seek out Billy, and you spend two days ignoring anyone and everyone. Then on the third day, your mother confronts you just as you're exiting the kitchen.

"YN?"

"Yeah?"

"Will you come here please?" With a bottle of orange juice in hand, you walk into the living room. Your mom smiles and pats the spot next to her on the sofa. As you sit, she asks, "What's going on?"

"Nothing."

"Really? Then do you care to explain to me why your friends are approaching me in the store and asking about your whereabouts?" You wince and sink further into your seat, leaning into your mother's side. She wraps an arm around your shoulders, pulling you close and kissing the top of your head. "I understood when you needed some time after Eddie, but what happened now? You were doing so good."

You sigh and start picking at the label on the bottle in your lap. "Billy kissed me."

"Excuse me?"

"It was just a kiss to ring in the new year, but-"

"But?" She wonders, urging you to go on.

"It messed with my mind," you finally admit aloud. "I'm well aware Billy is an attractive individual, but I had him dead center in the friend zone. And then that stupid kiss went and ruined everything, and now I can't face him or anyone until I get my head all sorted out."

A scoff behind you makes you tense briefly before leaning forward so you can turn in your seat and your eyes widen when you see Billy leaning against the wall as if he'd been hiding just around the corner. "Seriously? That's why you haven't called or came by?"

Your mouth drops open in shock and then you look at your mom, eyes narrowing. "You're such a traitor."

She grins. "Sorry, sweetheart, but I don't like to see you moping. Billy told me what was going on and he figured it was the kiss that set you off."

"The two of you are no longer my favorite."

"I'm your mother. I'll always be your favorite." She then pats your knee before pushing up off the sofa, turning to grin at Billy. "You, however, are on your own. I'm going for a drive. Good luck!"

Billy huffs as your mom takes her leave and then he walks around the sofa, taking the spot your mom vacated. He's too close and you attempt to scoot over, but his hand on your knee stalls you. "Is the kiss really the reason why you pulled away?"

You exhale softly. "Yeah." Billy doesn't say anything and your gaze stays on his hand that's still on your knee. "I'm sorry. I made it weird and I'm trying not to be, but you're apparently too impatient to let me-"

"Did you ever stop to think that maybe I like you too?" His words are quiet, almost too quiet, and they make your heart speed up. "I've never kept a female around that I didn't attempt to hook up with, but you? You were different. You are different which is why I tested the waters with that kiss." You finally meet his gaze and you're awed by his genuine expression.

"But you- you don't do relationships," you tell him. "I, unfortunately, do like you, but I won't risk what we have now for a quick hookup." Billy huffs, lips twitching, and you set aside your drink in order to grab Billy's hand on your knee. "I didn't enter this friendship with the intent to catch feelings. I mean, I'm well aware of your reputation, but then you just had to go and show me a different side to you and-"

"I don't want a hookup." His words make you fall quiet and you gulp at his admission. Billy angles himself more towards you and you do the same. Then with his free hand, he tucks a few pieces of hair behind your ear. "You are the only girl to look past my car and the rumors other girls spread around the school. You spend time with me because you want to and not because you wanted to see whether or not those rumors were true. I never thought I'd ever entertain the idea of another relationship after I left California, but then here you are making me go absolutely insane trying to determine whether or not you're over your ex. I like you, but I don't want to be a rebound."

You gape at his honesty and your heart starts to beat faster when Billy starts to slowly smile. "I, uh, I don't want to be with Eddie. I actually want to be with you."

"Good. Then you're telling Max."

"Hey!"

Billy laughs at your betrayed expression, quickly leaning in to smooth things over with a kiss. You mentally berate yourself for melting into him so easily, following his lead as he slowly moves back and then squeaking when he pulls you into his lap.

With your knees on either side of his hips, you sit back on his thighs and attempt to catch your breath. His hands hold onto the curve of your hips and yours find purchase on his shoulders. "So we're really doing this, huh?"

"Yep."

"And you're not going to fuck me over?"

"I mean we're gonna have our disagreements; every relationship has them, but I can promise you that I won't cheat on you."

Sliding your hands from his shoulders to the sides of his neck, you lean forward so your forehead is resting against his. "If this thing between us ever fizzles out, you need to tell me. I rather you break my heart by actually breaking up with me rather than having to find out from someone else that you were seen with another girl."

"That ain't gonna happen, but okay."

"Billy.."

"Nuh uh. Not happening." He captures your lips with his, briefly stealing your words and breath away. "I won't be making that mistake."

"Okay. Whatever. Just shut up and kiss me."

Billy laughs and this time it's your turn to steal his breath away. You bite his bottom lip as your hands slide back into his hair, gripping the strands there at the base of his skull and pulling his head back. Billy groans and you smile as you let the tip of your tongue flick his bottom lip.

"Have I mentioned that Munson is really, really stupid?"

"Mhm. Couple of times." You seal your mouth over his once more, tongues sliding against one another as you intimately familiarize yourselves with one another.

You lose track of time and only remember you're out in the open when you hear the front door open. You're laid out along the sofa now, Billy on top of you with one of your knees hitched along his hip and one of his hands beneath your shirt. "Well at least you're not naked." The words make you and Billy instantly pull apart, both panting and heaving as you turn to see your mom looking far too amused. "Glad to see you worked whatever this is out, but Billy? Please stop defiling my daughter on the sofa I nap on."

Billy gapes as you break into a fit of embarrassed giggles, hands instantly covering your face. He's quick to get off of you and you hurriedly sit up to pass him a pillow for his lap. "Don't look so pale, Cali. She's not gonna murder you."

Billy watches your mom disappear into the kitchen. "You sure about that?"

"Yep. Mom knows I'm far too smart to give her grandbabies. If anything, she'll mercilessly tease me about our predicament after you leave."

Turning to look at you, he cracks a grin. "She's gonna love me, isn't she?"

"Unfortunately."

Billy barks out a laugh, shifting in his seat. "I've never had a girl's parent approve of me." His grin eases into a leering smirk. "This is going to be fun."

After your mom, Max is the next to know about the change in yours and Billy's relationship. She had looked at you like you were dumb, mentioned she knew it was only a matter of time, and then told you not to cry to her when Billy messed up. You thought she was mad about you dating him, but she proved you wrong when she treated you no differently afterward.

Your mom and Max had no problem about the shift between you and Billy, but you were nervous about what everyone else would say. You didn't care whether they liked it or not, but you did care whether or not they'd bring up his past or come to the conclusion that he was a rebound when he wasn't. You didn't feel like arguing with anyone.

The two of you have days to yourselves while you finish off your Christmas break, hanging out and going on dates after Billy gets out of work. You didn't run into anyone you knew during these nights out, so you know it's going to be a shock when the PDA moments make an appearance whether it be when he drops you off for school or picks you up.

The morning you return to school, you leave the car but not before chastely kissing your boyfriend. Max made a noise of disgust and dragged you away by the back of your shirt, and no one uttered a word throughout the entire school day. But the moment you walked up to Billy after the last bell had rung and he pulled you into his arms to kiss? Yeah, everyone lingering in the parking lot stared and you knew it was only a matter of time this new piece of information spread like wildfire.

Dustin, Lucas, and Mike were the only three to give you shit for dating Billy, but you merely let them say their peace before politely telling them to fuck off. You were unsure of where you stood with anyone associated with Hellfire, so you weren't going to let them talk shit about your new relationship after weeks of silence on their end.

The news of you and Billy dating lasts for weeks, and you surprise everyone with how happy you seem to be with him. In fact, you're able to finally acknowledge Eddie with a nod when you happen to catch each other's gaze in the cafeteria or hallways, you don't outright sneer at Chrissy when she tells you hello in class, and you outright laugh at Jason's attempts to get into your good graces all because you're dating Billy Hargrove.

You're content and more focused than ever to graduate.

And when you do finally walk the stage to collect your diploma, Billy is there with a bouquet of flowers standing with your mom and Max afterwards.

You take a few minutes to take pictures with your friends, even going as far as taking a picture with Eddie when his uncle Wayne spots you and asks for one. Eddie was nervous, hell you were too because you were unsure of what Billy would think, but your arm went around the back of his waist with ease and his around your shoulders. Wayne snapped the picture and you quietly congratulated Eddie on finally getting his diploma before making your way back towards Billy. Thankfully, he understood and merely pulled you under his arm so you could finally leave.

Days after graduation, you're boredly filling out job applications, unsure of what you want to do now. College was out of the question, you having agonized over assignments for years to want to put yourself through four or more years of it.

The front door opens and you glance at the archway to see who it is since Billy and Max had taken to just walking into your home unannounced.

It's your mom, however, who walks in. "Hey, hon."

"Hey, mom." You set your pen down and stretch in your seat. "What are you doing home early?"

"I decided to take a half day," she tells you. "I had some business at the bank I needed to take care of."

"Yeah? And what was that?"

"Your college funds." You look up at her, prepared for a lecture about your plans now that you're out of high school, but she surprises you by smiling and handing over an envelope. "Relax. I started it when I found out I was pregnant with you. I know you're not interested in more schooling, so I figure you could use the money to help you get started with the next stage of your life."

Opening the envelope, there's a bank card and a post-it note with the amount of money you apparently now own. Your eyes bulge at the number. "Holy shit. Are you just- you're really giving this to me?"

"Yes. It's yours. I'm trusting you to use it responsibly."

"Y-Yeah. Of course!"

You set the envelope aside and start filling out the rest of the job application you had been working on. Your mom gives you a moment before she asks, "You know you don't have to stay in Hawkins, right? I have a well paying job and I'm happy here. But you.. this is time for you to go out on your own and find your own thing."

You subtly gulp and slowly lower your pen once more, allowing your uneasiness to momentarily shine through. "But what if I fail?"

"Then you come back home and we'll take it from there."

You smile at your mom then, huffing a laugh as you get out of your seat and rush to hug her. "Love you."

"Love you too. Now get out of here and go find that boy of yours. I saw his car in the driveway and he seems like he's anxious to get out of Hawkins too. I wouldn't be surprised if he decides to follow you out of here."

Grabbing up your envelope, you put it inside a drawer for safekeeping before rushing to find some shoes. Though the second you exit your house, Billy is pulling up to the curb right outside. You laugh and chuckle as you jog up to the passenger door, opening it up and practically throwing yourself inside.

"Excited much?" Billy muses.

"Always." You lean across the seat, pecking his lips. Then settling back down, you ask, "Where are we going?"

"Everywhere."

You grin as Billy peels out, stretching your arm out the window and letting the air rush through your fingers. You love moments like this, the music playing at a decent level while Billy just drives. You don't feel the urge to make conversation and neither does he.

Billy eventually picks up speed on the backroads and you laugh as the wind whips your hair back and forth. He drives for what feels like hours, but really it's only minutes and he eventually pulls off near a park.

"So are you going to tell me why you're really excited?" He asks as he parks.

Turning in your seat, you grin and shrug. "Mom gave me what should have been my college tuition money."

"Oh yeah? Making plans to spend it already?"

"Kind of." You always knew Billy wanted to leave, but as of late he seemed content. And now that you think about it, he hasn't really mentioned leaving in quite a while. So with you wanting to leave, you're not sure how he's going to take it. "She, uh, she wants me to get out of Hawkins. She basically told me now is the time to do my own thing and have fun."

"And do you? Want to get out of Hawkins?" Billy clarifies.

"I do, but only if you come with me."

You chew on the corner of your bottom lip nervously, waiting for his reaction. Time crawls by slowly and then Billy is smirking at you. "As if I'd seriously let you go anywhere without me."

"Really?" You ask, hopefully.

"Yeah. You know I've been saving up for myself. I was just waiting for you to bring it up."

"Thank god." You laugh as you lean over the seat, kissing Billy once more and keeping it chaste since there are people out and about. "If we do this, all bills are fifty-fifty."

"Obviously."

"And both of us have to get jobs. We're not going to sit on our asses."

"I do love a working woman," he grins and you bark out a laugh.

"Is that why you flirted with all the housewives?"

"House wife," he corrects and you roll your eyes. "I only ever flirted with one. It's not my fault all the other housewives took me greeting them as flirting. I was just being a polite boy."

"Oh I'm sure you were." One more kiss and then you're settling back into your seat. "So where do you want to go?"

"Somewhere with a beach."

"I can work with the beach," you say. "Did you want to go back to California?"

"Yeah. I still have some connections over there, so I can make a few calls and see if there are any places available before we make the drive out there."

"I like the sound of that." You reach for his hand, intertwining your fingers. "You find the house and make sure it's actually affordable, and I'll start making a list of shit we're going to need. I'm sure my mom and a friend of hers can rent a moving truck to help us out."

Billy lifts your joined hands and kisses the back of yours. "We really doing this?"

"Hell yes we are."

The dimpled smile he flashes you is one of the most genuine smiles you've ever seen and it makes you mentally swoon just a little. Last year you had dreams of leaving with Eddie, but now you're making plans to leave with Billy Hargrove.

Not in a million years did you ever see anything happening between you and Hargrove, yet here you are happily plotting out the next step of your lives together.

Life truly is funny that way.

#billy hargrove x reader #billy hargrove imagine #billy hargrove fanfiction #billy hargrove #stranger things imagine #stranger things fanfiction #max mayfield #eddie munson #stranger things

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hidden-behind-the-fourth-wall · 5 months

Text

True feelings

Pairing: Crosshair x F!Reader

Words: 9 064

Warning: Angst, fluff, mentions of deaths,

Summary: Crosshair is a dick, but you still love him.

A/N: I haven't double-checked, cause if I did I would have never posted it... I apologise my dear, beautiful anon that asked for this. It has taken ages, but I hope this one is to your liking :) (despite I changed it a bit when I now think abotu it... Sorry :( ) - If you hate it I will try again soon :)

I also post on AO3, if anyone’s interested :)

“You’re angry”, normally his voice would make you melt, but not today. You were tired. You were supposed to go home, take a bath, relax. But here you were, at 2 a.m. patching up that idiot because he couldn’t have just waited until morning.

“Am not”, you barked at him, tapping the blooded wound, a bit harsher than it was necessary, ignoring the little hiss from him. A part of you knew he was exaggerating, as always. A damn drama queen. All this was just a show. The wound wasn’t even that bad. You were sure Tech with his medical knowledge would be able to patch him up. Damn, even Hunter wouldn’t fuck it up. And yet, here you were, bandaging this big baby, because you knew you couldn’t say no to him.

“You’re a terrible liar”, he continued, not getting a point across, that you weren’t in a mood to talk. And so you rolled your eyes and put on a protective layer of bandage on it and sighed, while cleaning up the place around. No reminder of it being clean, before he came to you. “Isn’t it your job to take care of us?” You turned at him and sent him one your death stare, weaker now that you were more than tired. You didn’t even care about fighting him. After all that was what he was here for. Most of the time. Just to annoy the hell out of you. And for some reason you loved that about him.

“You’re welcome, Crosshair!” You murmured and shook your head. There was no way you would get tangled in his little game. You haven’t slept for almost three days, and you really needed your bed right now. And arguing with the Clone would only postpone your rest with at least an hour or two.

“Again, it was your job to help me, so…”

“What's your kriffing problem, Crosshair!” you hissed, angry at yourself he got under your skin so easily. You took a deep breath and closed your eyes, shaking your head. “You know what? Never mind. My job, as you nicely put it, is done here. I’m going to sleep.”

“Must be exhausting to sit in this safe little barrack all day and enjoy the safety of the Coruscant.” That was Crosshair at its best. Despite knowing he was a jerk, despite his words cutting deeper than any knife, despite his overall, misunderstood annoyance towards you, here you are always there for him. Always being ready to help him and his brothers. A one call, a word that he would be back and you would abandon anything only to make sure he was safe. Just like today. In the beginning you would lie to yourself, trying to believe, you were like that towards the whole Batch, but when even Echo gave you that smirk one day, you knew it was a lie. And despite having those bizarre and pathetic feelings towards the Sniper, he was still nothing but a jerk to you.

“It’s how he is”, Wrecker once told you, but you knew it was way beyond that. You saw Crosshair with his brother, hell he wasn't like that even with the Regs. You never asked, too afraid to know the truth. Being close to him in those few moments was enough for you, at least that’s what you believed, what you wanted to believe. Yet another lie.

You didn’t even know how to answer that. Not like he wasn’t right. You were safe here, no War surrounded you, you weren’t on the battlefield. You were just a station medical help. And despite knowing it all, it still hurts hearing him say it. You hoped he would at least respect your work a bit, but it seemed it was again another lie. How many times can a person lie to themselves before it becomes pathetic?

And so you packed your bag, unable to even look at him. Because if you did you would lose any composure, already so damn close to losing yourself to a sob that is threatening to come. Putting everything away, you turned off all the equipment and stood at the doors. When he didn’t move you sighed and turned off the light.

“Make sure you change it in the morning, Corporal.” And you left, not caring how petty it was to call him by his ranks. If he wanted to act like any other Trooper around here then beat it. You would treat him that way. And before you even left the barracks, you let the tears fall down, hoping no one would see you.

***

“I hope you were nice to her.” Hunter murmured, when his brother came back to the ship. They decided to stay on the planet to refill and actually rest a bit. Letting Crosshair get checked up. “She looked tired.”

“Well, she did her damn job, so what’s the issue?” He barked at his brother, walking towards his bed, ignoring the stare from the Sergeant.

“Well, that went well.” Echo murmured, making Hunter sigh in annoyance. “Has he ever told you what the issue is with our little medic?”

“I kriffing wish! He’s just getting more and more snappy whenever he sees her. Like a damn spoiled brat!” Echo chuckled at it and patted his brother on the shoulder. “She’s got a terrible taste in men!”

“I told her the same thing!”

***

It’s been a while since you’ve seen the Batch. They were off to whatever planet and you were left alone again. Well, not really alone. You were surrounded by Clones and Jedi and other medics and yet you felt lonely. And hurt. Crosshair's words were still cutting deep and you couldn’t get them out of your head. Maybe that’s why when the opportunity to join a small team of Clones to one of the missions came up, you were more than ready to join. You’ll show him. You weren’t just a nobody that spends her time in a safe barrack. You are a capable medic, able to do her job wherever. At least that’s what you were telling yourself at night, when you were unable to sleep.

You didn’t know the details of the mission. It was a last minute thing and you were just being lucky (or unlucky, as some thought) that you were at the right place at the right time. A medic was needed and you were a medic. Easy as that. Your first field mission. And so you packed whatever you may need, reading everything that there was to read. At least whatever was given to you about the field missions. Nothing new really. You were meant to stay back and only go out of the hiding when the fight was over, to patch up the actual soldiers. It felt new, exciting, but still you could imagine Crosshair's snarky comment about “always hiding”.

No! It was something new and exciting for you. You would not let that man destroy it for. You will kill that mission and when the Batch is back, you will proudly tell him to shove his opinion up his ass. And maybe, just maybe, he would start to act normal towards you. You didn’t expect him to be nice to you, but at least respect you for a human being, for a medic, for your job.

“You look ready!” You jumped at the voice behind you and smiled, seeing a familiar face. “You packed for at least a week?”

“Yes, Sir!” Cody smiled at you and looked at the special bag near your legs. “I don’t know how Kix does it, really! I packed and unpacked at least five times, unsure what I would need.”

“Don’t worry, kid. Knowing Tech, they would have a nice medical back up on the ship.” Your smile dropped hearing the name. No. That was not possible. Your first field mission could not be with the Batch. Not with him. “You ok?”

“You have got to be kidding me”, something big in your stomach dropped, hearing the sneering hiss behind you. A voice you knew well already. And a voice you hoped not to hear for a while yet.

***

“We need to make sure that these bases are destroyed alright. These aren’t big, but are guarded well, so we would need a special team to infiltrate them.” Cody briefed them in, but you weren’t able to focus. You tried hard not to look at Crosshair who was looking at the map, with the same bored stare as always. Leaning on the wall, biting on his damn toothpick, he looked even more pissed than ever. And that itself pissed you off. He had no reason to act like that. It was your first mission being screwed because he was being a part of him. And yet, that stupid part of you was so happy to be able to go on a mission with him.

“So why do we need a civic with us?” Crosshair finally asked, his glare directed at you, his toothpick still between his teeth, angrily being bitten by its owner. You weren’t sure if you wanted to be that toothpick, or wanted to use it to stab him with it and watch him bleed out. Maybe both.

“Maybe those bases don’t look tough, but there are quite a lot of them there”, Cody answered, looking between the Sniper and you, apparently unaware of the ‘lovely’ relationship between the two of you. “You need a medic, and as we are a bit behind with the Clone medical team, we are accepting the help from civilians. And you will need a medic on that mission. Having only Tech as your medic isn’t going to be enough this time, no offense.” He looked at Tech, who nodded, almost not paying attention to his words, already planning something out. “Our little friend here has saved many asses back at Coruscant. She will be a good help to you as well.”

“Oh, we are familiar with our little medic”, Hunter murmured and you couldn’t help but chuckle, nodding to Cody.

“Who do you think patches them up when they land at Coruscant?” The Commander smirked and came back to the map.

“There is no timeline for this, but I advise you that when you start the operation you don’t stop for too long before you take out the other bases.” His eye landed on Echo and there was a minute, you thought he was about to say something, but he only nodded and left you all, probably going to his own briefing.

“Your first field mission, kid! How ya feeling?” You raised your brow at Hunter and sighed, unable to stop the giddy smile from showing.

“Quite excited if I’m being honest!”

“Great! That’s what we needed a civic for whom that whole damn War is some kind of a game!” You turned towards the Clone and opened your mouth to say something, but stopped when he took some steps towards you, stopping centimeters away from you. You could feel his breath on you, if you raised your hand, you would be able to hear the beat of his heart. “It’s not some night out on Coruscant to get excited about, princess!” The nickname was new, and if it was spoken by anyone other than him, maybe, you would have taken it as a compliment. But the way he spit it at you, it was nothing but another way to hurt you. “Just so you know, I don’t play by the books. You get in our way, I don’t care if you’re a medic. I leave you behind, get that?!” The venom in his voice took you off guard. Yes, you weren’t friends, he always seemed to enjoy bringing you pain, but this was new. The way he spoke, the way he looked at you, it was like you were the enemy. And it broke your heart into pieces.

“Crosshair!” Wrecker interjected, but the Sniper turned and walked into the ship, leaving you all behind. You stared at his back and swallowed, biting harshly on your lip, trying to stop the tears from appearing. “Come on, kid, he didn’t mean it. He’s just tired, you know!” You nodded and sent the boys one of your most beautiful fake smiles. You were thankful to Wrecker for standing up to you. But deep down, a part of you knew that Crosshair was right. It wasn’t a game, and the thought that you even saw it as one for a millisecond was a mistake. War wasn’t something you used to show others your strengths, and he was right to call that upon you.

“So… Which one of you is going to show me around?” Echos smiled softly and let you in, hoping that at least for the mission sake, Crosshair would try to behave.

***

“Not bad!” Echo commended, looking at the target which you just shot. “I didn’t know you could use the blaster.”

“Just because I’m a civic doesn’t mean I can’t protect myself”, you shrugged, getting rid of another of the targets. More like spotchka bottles, which you didn’t even dare question about.

“Sounds like there is a story behind it”, he started, raising a brow at another target being hit. It wasn’t that he considered you a friend. But he did like you. He enjoyed talking to you, whenever the Batch was stationed at Coruscant. You were polite, nice, funny, a bit sarcastic at times. But what’s important, you were kind and really good at your job, so he had no idea why Crosshair was being a complete jerk towards you.

“You should at least buy me dinner first, Echo”, he chuckled, letting you win this one. He was the first person to understand if there were topics someone didn’t want to discuss. You never forced him to talk, and so he wasn’t about to do it to you. “I may not be a soldier, but I am not a defenseless little girl. I would rather sit in one place my entire life than to bother any of you.” You sounded so small, so broken at that moment, that Echo was close in actually finding his brother and kicking his ass. “I have never left this planet. I… Is it really that bad that I’m excited?” You put the blaster away and took a deep breath, trying to gain control over your body again. “I’m not excited about the War. I.. I just want to experience more… Does that make me a bad person?”

“No!” He was fast to answer. Of course it didn’t. He understood you well. He remembered how he felt leaving Kamino as well. Like an excited child, finally able to do more. To be more. “Curiosity is normal. And no one should make you feel inferior for feeling that.” He wasn’t good at that, and an actual human contact was always Fives’ forte, but he pulled you to him, hoping it would calm you down, just a bit. “Do you want me to talk to him?”

“No.” You shook your head, reciprocating his hug, with a small smile on your face. “The last thing I want is to make someone uncomfortable. And to be a reason for the fight between brothers.” You pulled away and gave him a real, big smile. “I will just stay away and ignore him as much as I can.”

***

And you kept that promise for the whole two days until it was time for you to leave Coruscant. You helped Tech with the list of the most important things. Or more like he let you stay while he did the list. And added some medical things you considered to be essential, but he may have forgotten (which he of course haven’t).

“Am I really needed?” You joked at him, making him smirk a bit at that.

“I keep asking myself the same question.” Crosshair stared at you, while cleaning his rifle. You shook your head and smiled at Tech, looking through your list. “Hunter asks if we’re free to go.”

“We should have everything”, Tech looked at you and you nodded, giving him back the list. “I’ll get the ship ready.” And he left, leaving the two of you alone. You waited, getting yourself ready for some more snarky and hurtful comments. You decided that you won’t let that affect you. You will do your job. Make sure the boys are safe on that mission and come back to that planet. You decided to close off your heart to that man, not letting him play with you. You still couldn’t understand why you yearned for his approval so much, but this had to end. You weren’t some pathetic little girl.

“I won’t cause any problems. I will do my job and stay away from you so as not to bother you.” You started, not even turning around to face him. You didn’t need to see him, to know the way he looked at you. With annoyance and anger, for whatever reason. “This mission ends and you won’t have to see me again.” And so you got past him and got into the ship, ignoring the sick feeling in your stomach.

***

He looked at your fascinated face and couldn’t help but snark under his breath. You were all getting into hyperspace and you sat next to Tech to see it for the first time. You looked like a damn kid making him even angrier. If anyone asked, he wasn’t really sure why he despised you so much. Echo was right, you were a good medic, at least from what he saw. You did patch him and his brothers up a couple of times already. And you did it well. Additionally, what he did hear from Regs was that you are capable and good at what you do. But if he was being honest with himself, hearing it from the Regs could not really be considered a compliment.

What irritated him about you the most was the way you were always happy and cheerful and how so damn gullible you were. Always smiling to everyone, always pleasant, always so damn kind. You were so easy to manipulate and hurt that he never realized when he actually wanted to see you fall, to see you hurt, to see that damn smile disappear from your face.

“I hate seeing you hurt”, he clenched his wrists remembering the first time you patched him up. It wasn’t anything serious, but it was an order to see a medic and as much as he hated them, he knew which fights he was able to win.

“You don’t even know me”, he remarked, making you giggle at that. He watched your small hands work over his wound and he liked how warm they were.

“Doesn’t mean I want to see you hurt!” You winked at him and it was then he realized how foolish you were. How innocent and he wanted you gone, before that War would take any resemblance of innocence from you. “That’s why I’ll be here, waiting to patch you up when you need it.”

And so here you were. Not on the damn Coruscant, but here with them. It was over a year since that first meeting, and the more he saw you, the more he heard of you, he was becoming more irritated, with you, with this War, with the Sepis and with himself. He was so pissed when he found out that the medic assigned to them was you. He hoped all his remarks would get to you but apparently that never worked.

He looked at you once more and bit harder on this toothpick and grimaced. He shook his head in anger and left the cockpit, hoping to have you off his head as soon as it was possible. Missing the way your eyes were following his moves.

You frowned looking at his retreating form. You tried to understand him. You thought and tried to remember if you offended him someway, but the more you thought the more certain you were that nothing really happened. Sure he was pissy when he first met you, but it was far from how he was now - cruel.

***

“A quick one, boys. We go in, get the disc, destroy everything else and get here. Best case scenario without an extra job for our medic here.” You chuckled and closed the last little bag you were preparing.

“I want you all to have each”, you started handing them to the boys. “They aren’t big so it shouldn't be an issue for either of you. But they do have the most essential things you may need. Each one of you have an adhesive spray, a mix of bandages that may be of need. I added bone-knitters there as well. I wasn’t sure how long you guys may be gone, and when it comes to fractures in bones, it's best to take care of it as soon as possible. It’s nothing special, a normal medpack so you know…”

“How the hell did you manage to get all that equipment from Coruscant?” Wrecker gasped seeing all of the best supplies. Something he would expect was given to the Jedi Generals not Clones. At least not the non-medic ones.

“I have my ways”, you winked at him and stopped in front of Crosshair, extending his medpack to him. For a second there you were sure he would ignore you. But he did take it and added it to his tools. “I added some eye drops for you, just in case.” And not expecting any kind of response from him you turned and stood next to Echo. Missing the way his eyes softened a bit, only to quickly come back to the way he was. “Be safe there, OK?” They all nodded and left the ship, leaving you alone. Hating that you couldn’t come with them.

***

“You do know, you don’t have to check up on all of us after every mission”, Tech asked, when you scanned him, looking for any injuries that he may have hidden. It would not be the first time when a Clone would hide that he was hurt or wounded. Like one particular Captain of the 501st.

“I know, but I do enjoy it. It is my job, but more than that I want to make sure you guys are OK. Believe it or not I kind of like you guys.” He smiled softly at that and you felt your heart melting. Tech seemed like someone completely unavailable when it came to feeling, but you found that he was probably the most welcome to any kind of interaction that anyone would be willing to give him. And so you gave him all the attention you could whenever you had a chance, enjoying the way he always seemed to seek you out to tell you about whatever the hell he found out. “I’d like you guys to take the vitamins I prepared for you. I know it seems silly, but with the amount of missions you participate in, it is crucial to keep even the basic functions going.”

“We appreciate it, really!” Hunter murmured, smiling at you softly. “Even if not everyone shows that.” His eyes landed on the far away place, where Cross normally went into after every mission. Normally you gave him space, not wanting to bother him. But it has been three missions already and you were not able to check on him since then. And you promised yourself you would have to do it this time. Even if it meant fighting him over it.

“You boys are good to go. I’m gonna check up on Mr moody”, you smiled hearing Wrecker’s booming laugh at your nickname and took a deep breath, readying yourself for whatever the Sniper got to offer. “Crosshair?” he didn’t move when you walked to his space in the ship. You sighed and swallowed trying to find a way to start this all, without making you even more angry that he always was. “I need to check you up and I brought you vitamins.” You tried to make your voice sound soft and gentle. You didn’t need him to know how nervous he made you feel. But deep down, you were sure he knew.

“I’m OK, so leave.” He murmured and you frowned, biting your lip nervously.

“You said that after each and every mission so far.” You started, taking a step closer. “But I need to check, you know, even if it's just to sleep better at night.” You tried to joke, but seeing no reaction from him, you rolled your eyes at his childish behavior. “Come on, Crosshair. It won’t even take ten minutes. You make it more difficult than it needs to be. Stop acting like a kid!” You yelped when he was right there, pushing you on the wall behind, making you drop your kit. One of his hands landed close to your head on the wall, and you closed your eyes from the shock of it all. When you opened them, you looked up at him to see nothing but annoyance and irritation.

You were never afraid of the Clones. Sure they were all respected and intimidating, but you knew that they were all good people. But today, at this moment, you felt yourself shiver. You felt your legs shake from an actual fear from one of them. And it was the man that you stupidly fell for. The man you tried so hard to be accepted by. But despite it all, you could see nothing but anger and disgust in his eyes right now.

“Don’t you dare call me a child, you spoiled, little brat!” He hissed and something broke inside you. It was not fair. He didn’t know you. Didn’t even try to get to know you and yet it was so easy for him to push judgment. The one who has been ridiculed for something he couldn’t control - his genes. Here he was calling you a spoiled brat not knowing anything. And so you have had enough.

You pushed him away from you and clenched your hands angrily. Whatever calmness and control you tried to maintain was done for.

“What the fuck is your problem, Crosshair!?” You shouted, pushing him away, once again. “What have I ever done to you for you to hate me so much!? Why do you have to be a jerk to me all the damn time?! You don’t want me to call you a kid, but since the damn mission started, fuck, even before that, you yourself have been acting like a spoiled brat!”

“Don’t you dare!” He started, but you didn’t let him finish. You took one more step and looked him deep into his eyes, that you once loved. Tech laughed at you once when you said that you would be able to differentiate them all just by their eyes, lecturing you how being a Clone meant they all had the same eye color. But that wasn’t it. Each of them had something special in their look and Cross wasn’t different. You loved that darkness he held, something so very different. So special, something so lovely. But now, after loving them for so long, you hated to look at them. Hated the solemn fact that you let yourself be so vulnerable for a man who didn’t care for you.

“No, Crosshair!” you stopped him and felt yourself breathing harsher with every sentence that left your lips. You didn’t even care that you were now surrounded by all of the crew. You didn’t care anymore. You have had enough of it all. “For almost a year I have been trying to get you to like me, to notice me, to make you see me as something more than whatever you thought of me. All I ever was, was be nice to you and your brothers. I was always there for, even when my shift was over, even if I had a day off. I know it’s my bloody job, but I wasn’t born like you to fight in this war!” You didn’t even realize when you started crying. You weren’t screaming anymore, but your voice was more stern and angry than any of them have ever seen you before. “I’m just a civic who wants to help you all in this awful time. I’m not perfect, but I work on my weaknesses everyday and try to be stronger to be sure I will be able to help however I can!” You pushed him again, and to your surprise he let you. You were never the one to get physical, but you were so damn furious right now, that you didn’t care for anything. “What have I ever done to you! What made you cruel towards me?! What made you hate me so much?” You hated how your voice broke a bit in that last sentence, but you kept on looking at him, with the same determination as before. You needed to know to be able to move on.

“You wanna know what irritates me so damn much about you, princess?” He sneered and took a step towards you, but you didn’t step back. He was close, closer than ever, but you didn’t pay attention to that. You were too angry to care for something like that. You did, however, notice how Wrecker tried to interfere, but was stopped by his brothers. “You are so damn happy all the damn time. You are acting like a spoiled brat that joined the damn army because you were bored. You are pushover that let everyone do and say whatever they want because you need to feel fucking liked by everyone. I hate that fake smile you always give to everyone, I hate that stupid innocence of someone whose life was nothing but nice and comfortable. War isn’t a place to make friends, Princess! People die everyday, and that annoying smile of yours isn’t going to change that. You are pathetic, and I hate that about you!” There was silence after his outburst. You felt like you were just shot straight to the heart. Each and every of his words hurt more than anything you have ever experienced before. And not because they were true - which they weren’t- but because this is what he thought of you. Without even trying to meet the real you.

“My mother died at my birth”, you started, taking a step back, looking down on the floor, unable to continue to look at the eyes of a person who hates you so deeply. “My father was a bounty hunter, and didn’t care much about being a great parent. You asked me once where I learned to shoot Echo.” The Clone shifted uncomfortably being mentioned now, during the fight between you and his brother. “My father was never really a dad to me, but he did believe I had to be able to defeat myself. So he taught me, shaping the next bounty hunter in his head. He was cruel and demanding. I was 9 when he died and I didn’t even feel sad about it. After that I lived on the streets, living from day to day. I learned how to patch myself, because if I didn’t I’d die. And I would probably keep on living on the streets if the War didn’t break. I enlisted myself as a medic, because I thought of a reason to live. Not to kill as my father wanted, but to save.” You looked up at him to see softness in his eyes. For the first time since you met him. You noticed how his body shifted, how he took a step back. How his anger evaporated from him. “I was given a purpose to my life. And I promised myself I would never come back to that dark place I was, when I didn’t feel anything when my father died. And so I smiled, and laughed and made sure that no one around me would ever need to feel like that. Because Crosshair, being alone and broken is the worst possible feeling in the world, and I hope you will never have to feel it.” You wiped your tears and turned around tired of this all. “And Crosshair?” You turned one more time and looked up, finding his eyes again. “My smile was never fake with you.” And you walked to the small, little place the boys designed for you, to feel at least a bit comfortable.

“That explains her easiness with a blaster” Echo started, hoping to cool down that anger he felt from both Wrecker and Hunter. He just hoped Crosshair would stay quiet, because he wasn’t sure anyone would be able to stop Wrecker in actually beating the hell out of his brother.

“I will go see if she needs anything”, Hunter barked, shaking his head in anger at the Sniper, then leaving everyone to tend to you, hoping he would be able to help at least a bit. “Come on, Wrecker, she always enjoyed your hugs.” The Clone stared Crosshair down and with one of Mando’s curses directed at him, he went with Hunter.

“I have some things to deal with, but I believe you owe her apologies, Crosshair!” Tech murmured and not waiting for the response he left, leaving Echo with Crosshair alone.

“Aren’t you going to say anything?” Crosshair spit at him angrily, unable to even look at his brother. At anyone. This sick feeling in his stomach was nothing he has ever felt before. He never knew your life wasn’t this comfortable as he thought. A part of him hated himself for being a jerk to you, but another one was angry at his brothers for taking your side in this. An irrational one and he knew that.

“Seeing you right now? I don’t think I have to.” Echo answered, and clapped his brother on the shoulder, leaving him alone as well. He hated how this went, but he knew that the two of you needed that serious talk. You needed that to get rid of those feelings towards his brother. Feelings that only brought you pain.

***

You spent that night cuddled in the protective arms of Wrecker, crying your eyes out. It hurt so unbelievably. The memories of your child, the fact that you said it all, when you promised yourself you would never come back to it. And how all this came about. Now when you were calmer you regretted all of this. You were even close in going there and stupidly apologized to the Sniper, but Hunter stopped you. He even talked to you and asked if you wanted to continue the mission. Because he could always contact Cody and ask for someone else. You smiled at how thoughtful he was and promised him you would end what you started and that what happened just now would not affect your work. You wouldn’t let that happen. They needed a good medic, and you wanted to finish the mission to be sure that they would come back safe.

And so the professionalism stayed. Or more like ignorance. You knew that the only way for you to focus on your work was to ignore Crosshair, at least as much as it was possible. And so you still organized the medpack for him before each of their missions. You still checked if he was OK, and to your surprise he let you actually make the check up. You acted as his medic and just that. There were no more talks, smiles or desire to get to know him. You were kind of thankful for this whole ordeal. At least it helped you open your eyes, and saved your time on a man who saw you as nothing special. And who hated your own existence.

“I need to get to the market to buy some things”, you mentioned to the boys, when you landed on Tanalorr for fuel. “We are running out of food, thanks to someone.” You looked at Wrecker, who chuckled awkwardly, sending you one of his charming smiles you couldn’t resist. “Not to mention I did not think the mission was going to be that long.” It has been almost a month, “We are running out of medical equipment as well.”

“Do we even have enough credits for all of this?” Echo asked, looking troubled at the perspective of having to go back to Coruscant only to re-pack. “I’m not gonna lie, I don’t feel like coming back only to get it done.”

“Don’t worry about the Credits.” You smirked and winked at him. “I was sent here by the Republic on a mission as your medical support and I am responsible for you. Which means the Republic will take care of things.”

“If the credits weren’t an issue before why didn’t we let loose a bit?” Crosshair asked. Since that encounter between the two of you, he didn’t speak much, but when he did, there was less and less spite in his tone. At least he was trying, you thought.

“Well, it’s not that I have no credit for the money I spent. The Republic checks what we spend the money on, and if it turns out to be something not necessarily needed it is taken out of our own private money.” The boys frowned and you chuckled. “Don’t worry, I have worked for the Republic long enough to know what they accept and not.” You grinned and sighed. “Ok, which one of you volunteered to be the bag carrier?”

***

“I may not be as perceptive as others but are you OK?” Wrecker asked, after what seemed to be ages. He has been acting strange since you both left Marauder and you couldn’t help but smile softly at the way he cared for you. You still remembered the way he looked that day, when they all came on you and Crosshair fighting.

“You may think that, but you are as perspective as any of them, if not more, Wreck.” He chuckled nervously at that and you leaned into him and kissed his cheek softly, making him blush. “I’m not, but I will be.” He nodded and let you walk in front of him. You smiled softly at the way his whole body acted like some kind of shielding for you. His eyes were roaming the surrounding looking for anything fishy, being your guardian Angel. "I see how you're always standing just two steps away from me. Whether it's with my little confrontations with Crosshair or whenever we go outside." He looked away sheepishly, scratching the back of his head awkwardly, almost shyly. This is what you liked about him. He was a giant sweetheart. "I am the luckiest doctor in the whole Galaxy" you winked at him and he chuckled softly, following your steps.

***

It has been a while since your mission with the Batcher. You haven’t seen them for almost two months, and if you were honest with yourself you started to worry. The war was slowly getting to an end. Everyone knew that, but no one really wanted to agree on it. It was like if you spoke too loud, you would have jinxed it. Childish, and yet no one wanted to actually say anything. The Batch were being sent on more and more restless missions and they didn’t even come to the Coruscant anymore. And damn you missed them. At least most of them.

You forced yourself to believe you were too busy to think about him, and yet there were times when his face appeared in front of your eyes and you hated yourself for that. When you left, you hugged all of them, except for Crosshair. He didn’t even come out from the ship to say goodbye. You forced yourself to believe it was better that way. After all you hoped you weren’t as pathetic as long for the man who didn’t give a damn about you.

And now all this seemed like a mean joke. The memories of that mission was one of the few things keeping you going. You knew, you wanted to believe that finding them would make that hell a bit better. Seeing Wreckers smile, talking until the morning with Echo and Tech. Spend the night away just sitting with Hunter, doing nothing. And him. Just knowing that he is close was all that you felt that you needed. Now that the Republic fell and the Empire rose to Power, you needed something common, something familiar. You needed the Batch, like a man needs air to breath.

You stopped in front of what seemed to be a bar. Ord Mantell wasn’t the most friendly place in the Galaxy, but the last four places you checked were just some silly rumors. And right here, right now you had a feeling like that was it. You hid behind your hood and walked into the building, hoping. Hoping to finally see them.

Your heart skipped a bit, when you heard a booming laugh of the one and only Wrecker. But what made you stop in your trek was the little girl that was sitting with him. She couldn’t be older than 13. A kid. A child with a Batch. So the rumors were true. They were traveling with a little girl.

“Can I help you?” Your eyes traveled to a voice next to you. A Trandoshan female was looking at you with a raised brow, her arms crossed at chest. You opened your mouth to say something. But now that you have finally found them you weren’t sure if it was a good idea to have come here. Looking at how happy Wrecker was, it didn’t seem like a good idea to get into their little life now. They were all a family and you were just a medic. A nobody. You took a step back, unable to do anything else but just run.

A familiar voice stopped you. You looked up to see Echo standing in the middle of the room, staring at you in a mixture of disbelief and relief. The sound of your name was all you needed. Forgetting about the doubt you had just seconds ago, you ran at him, hugging him with all you had, sobbing at his chest like a little child wanting to be comforted.

“Long time no see, Doc.” Echo whispered, hugging you back, smiling, happy to see you again.

***

You didn’t want to believe Hunter, when he said that Crosshair has joined the Empire. It didn’t feel right. There was a lot to be said about the Sniper, but the fact that he would abandon his brothers and join scumbugs like an Empire was the last thing you would expect. Hunter told you about how he tried to kill them twice already, and you couldn’t help but feel anger burning inside you. Not towards the Batch, not towards Crosshair, but towards the Empire that was taking everything from you.

You told them how you escaped from Coruscant when the Empire rose. How you were traveling from one planet to another looking for them. Hoping you would be able to join them in whatever they planned on doing. Whatever it was, you let them know you were not leaving them. The moment you told them you weren’t leaving, you were once again a part of their team. A part of their family. First few nights you spend cuddling with Echo, Hunter or Wrecker. To keep the nightmares away. It was awkward at the beginning especially with Hunter, but the more frequent they became the more protective he became and was pulling you to him automatically. His senses always knew when you were stressed. When even the hugs didn’t help, you stayed with Tech. Awake talking about everything and nothing really.

You met Omega and you could not fall in love with her. She was a sweetheart with a sense of humor similar to the Batch. It took you a while to process that she was a Clone as well. And biologically older than them. But you tried to ignore it, and look at her as what she was. An amazing, beautiful and smart teenager. She quickly became an integral part of your life. Like a little sister you never knew you needed in your life.

You were a family. You finally found your place on Pabu. Saying goodbye to Echo wasn’t easy, but you were happy to know he was following what he truly believed in. And so you moved to this peaceful Island, far away from everything and everyone. Becoming an integral part of the population here. And despite your life finally becoming normal you were still missing something. Missing someone.

“You better come back! Come back with him!” You made Hunter promise, before they left. Tech got a signal from a base, a signal from Crosshair himself. You didn’t want to get your hopes up. But you did hope he would come back. And not for you. Because you knew that even if he did come back you would be the last person he’d like to see. But for himself, for his brothers and for Omega. You made a decision, that you would take a step back, make place for him if it was what he needed. All you wanted was for him to come back. To be reunited with his family. Even if w=you would never be able to be a part of that family.

***

Crosshair didn’t know what he should feel. It was like a damn dream. One second he was strapped into that damn electrolight, and another second his brothers with Omega, were saving him. He didn’t oppose this time. He followed them and he let Omega hug him, when they were back on the Marauder. He wasn’t ready to hug her back, but he was thankful. He would never say it out loud, but he was damn happy to be back with his family.

He wasn’t sure what to say. Anything he thought of felt too trivial to say out loud. A thank you wasn’t enough. I’m sorry; just didn’t sit right with him. And so he just stayed quiet, observing the Five of them. There were times when he got himself smiling softly at something Omega said, there were even moments when he let himself roll his eyes the same way he did in the past, when Wrecker said something idiotic. It felt familiar, it felt like home again and when Hunter caught his eyes once he smiled at him softly nodding his head. And that was enough, Enough for his brothers.

***

Seeing him again was like a mixture of the most painful and the most amazing feeling ever. When the Marauder appeared on the landing platform one afternoon you actually cried in relief. And you laughed out loud when Omega jumped happily at you, giving you her biggest and brightest smile. You were so happy to see them back, that you almost missed the one person, who was the reason for your feeling of emptiness. Here he was standing at the exit of the shuttle, looking at you. There was something unrecognizable in his eyes. Something you have never seen before. His stare was still as intense as ever, but his eyes were some kind of softer.

You wanted to go to him. And hug him, but seeing him now it was like realizing that you longed for something that could never be yours. Those words, that day was still a reminder of what he really thought of you, of how he saw you. And so you nodded at him and took Omega with you for a walk, listening to everything that had happened when they were gone.

“She made me promise I will bring you back.” Hunter started, standing next to his brother. “When she heard that message from you, she was determined to make us go get you. She cried when I told her you went with the Empire.” Crosshair frowned, still looking at your retreating form. He didn’t expect to see you here. He would never have thought that it would be you who would cry for him. “She never gave up on you. Even when I did.” Crosshair looked at the Sergeant and raised his brow. “You tried to kill us. Twice. Just a reminder there.” He couldn’t help but laugh softly at that.

“She looks happy”, he finally stated, see how you laughed with Omega and Wrecker about something he couldn’t hear.

“Don’t change that”, the Sniper frowned at Hunter’s tone. “She is ready to step away if it means you’d feel comfortable.” Crosshair scoffed. It was something you would have done. Apparently you haven’t really changed. Always putting someone else's feelings before yours. It was one of these things that annoyed him about you. It did. And it still did, but for some completely different reason.

“You should talk with him,” Tech murmured, thinking of the next move. You were one of few people he actually liked to play against. True, you never won against him, but at least you gave him a challenge. “You have been stopping away from us since he came back.”

“You’re imagining things, Tech.” You answered, already trying to think of another move, hoping that today you would maybe, somehow win against him. “I am giving him space. Our last real conversation didn’t end well.” You bit your lip and sighed. “I’m not sure I would be able to handle another rejection from him.”

“Rejection?” He asked, looking up at you. You have never talked with Tech about your feelings. Especially not about your feelings towards his brother. You loved Tech, but he wasn’t the best person of the Batch to talk about it.

“I love him. It's so stupid and illogical, I know” you rolled your eyes and crossed your legs. Something you always did when you felt overwhelmed. Something he noticed quite quickly. “I remember that day like it happened yesterday, that’s why it hurts so much. Because I know that nothing really changed. This is the same Crosshair as the last time I saw him. It is the same man that said he hated me, he hated everything that I built to become someone better. It broke me then and it breaks me every time I see him”, you sniffed and closed your eyes, to stop the tears from falling down. “I am so happy that he is back. I am happy your family is full again. I am happy he is safe and back. I am incredibly happy that you all are happy again. And I am happy to step back to make sure you all will stay the same way. For as long as it's needed.” Tech frowned looking at you. It’s not that he didn’t know about your feelings for his brother. But he never understood how deep they were until now.

“You said you love him. Not, loved him.” You smiled softly and nodded.

“I did. Didn’t I?”

‘I love him’. He would never have thought he would hear those words directed at him. Well, they weren’t really directed directly at him, but they were about him. You said it. You told Tech out of all of his brothers of your feelings. You told Tech about how much pain it brought you to love him. Against many opinions, Crosshair wasn’t heartless.

He hated the words that left his mouth that day. It’s not that he lied. No, he wasn’t one to lie. But the words that left his lips then weren’t really true to his true feelings. He never knew what irritated him about you. He always felt angry whenever he was with you, but at the same time, he longed to be with you. He didn’t understand his feelings then, and he wasn’t sure if he understood them now. But he knew something now, that he didn’t know then. It wasn’t hate that he felt towards you. It was this lack of power to be able to protect you. You seemed so innocent, so powerless, so damn happy all the time and he was afraid. So damn afraid that this damn world would screw you and destroy that innocence inside you. He liked it. He longed for these smiles you sent his way. He enjoyed seeing you annoyed, because it meant that maybe you were able to fight for yourself. And so he took the role of a bad guy to teach to defend yourself.

And the more he focused on this role, the more he hated the world around him. He hated the thought that this world will destroy you one day. That it will wipe away that beautiful smile you sent everyone. And so there was so much hate inside him, that he didn’t know where he should direct it. And despite wanting to protect you from the pain, he was the one bringing you the biggest pain of all. He made you remember something you were sure you wanted to forget about. Your past.

A past where you had to be strong to survive. The past where you couldn’t smile. The past where you fought everyday against the tyranny of the world. You fought for so long and he was too stubborn and too blind to see that you didn’t need his protection. You just needed for the world to go on. The same way as it went. For him to be there for you. Just like his brothers were.

Just like you were for him.

“This one is on me”, he smiled softly seeing the way your eyes widened seeing him, behind you, ready to pay for your Caf. He wanted to laugh at the way your mouth would open and close, unable to say anything. “It's nice weather, how about we take that outside?” There was no smile on your lips that day. But there was something in your eyes that made Crosshair believe that not all was gone. He still had the opportunity to let your world go on and maybe one day be once again a part of it. A better part of it.

It was strong and beautiful and it made him act on his true feelings. It was hope.

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amumandherthoughts · 4 months

Text

The birth story.

This is a long one..

I was 41 weeks and 3 days pregnant when I had my last 'normal' appointment with the midwife team. It was then that they told me if I hadn't naturally gone into labour in 2 days, then they would have to induce me.

Not exactly what you want to hear with your first pregnancy. Lots of people tell you lots of stories and how induction can be more intense or it was the best labour they'd ever had. Whatever, everyone is different, so I took it all with a grain of salt and hoped for the best.

2 days went by and I had my next appointment where the midwife and Drs recommended a 'Cook's Catheter'. To try and prompt my body to do its thing without the need for an IV.

Well I came back the next morning and still no labour! Shit. I was going to have to be induced.

Ok, so I'm in the birthing unit ready to go (and completely terrified but trying to hold it together).

They take out the Cooks Catheter and I'm 4cm dilated. Great! Almost half way there!!

The nurses broke my water, put the IV in and the contractions began.

Holy shit.

To quote my mum- "they don't call it labour for nothing." Boy, was she right. I had all the pain from my contractions in my lower back, and it was excruciating!

I'd never had anything hurt as much as those bloody contractions! No one told me as much, but I presume my baby was posterior because of all the back pain.

I was using heat pack after heat pack. Having my husband massage my back as hard as he could and it still barely helped! I was using the gas, which I think mainly just helped keep my breathing under control...

After 5 hours, I was ready to up the ante - I asked the nurse for the next step in pain management - Endone.

Well, all of the people who say Endone is the best are all fucking liars. It didn't take any of my pain away, just made me super drowsy and want to fall asleep even during a contraction!

Right, so by this time, I'd had the IV induced contractions for roughly 12 hours, and every time the nurse did an internal exam, my cervix was at 4 cm. There was no change! I could have cried! Well.. I did! And I was exhausted!!!

So the reason it took so long to get to this point was because every time I contracted my baby's heartbeat was waver and so the nurses couldn't increase the hormones to get me to dilate more/faster. They turned it off for a short time, and bub was all good, but then they turned it on, and the heartbeat wavered again.

So the Dr recommended an emergency ceasarean section due to failed to progress. Meaning my body didn't do what it was supposed to and bub couldn't come out!

I was ok with having a caesar, that part honestly didn't bother me. It is what it is and the team I had were incredible.

I had an epidural, which was heaven! For about half an hour. Until it made me vomit and bubs heartbeat wavered again and I needed to lay on my side. Well then the anaesthetic drained to the side didn't it and I started feeling the contractions down the other side again! This certainly wasn't what I expected when they gave me an epidural.

Ok, so after this, we headed to surgery. We're talking 17hrs after being induced now.

I'd never had any sort of surgery in my life. Only ever had mild local anaesthetics!

So when they numbed my torso and down it was the weirdest feeling. So see my legs being moved but unable to feel it. I hated it.

And then, being in the ice-cold theatre, thank God I had my husband by my side because I was downright terrified.

Terrified of feeling pain (which I didn't)

Terrified of the surgery (I would visualise it and freak out)

Terrified something bad would happen to me (haemorrhage or have tools left inside)

Terrified most of all that I wouldn't hear my baby cry.

During the surgery I kept vomiting and felt gross as fuck. The lovely nurse suctioned the vomit from my mouth and all was well.

Bub was taken out, and he cried! So I cried in relief! I can't tell you how much relief I felt about that. He had a bit of a hard time breathing, so I couldn't hold him, and he had to go up to special care. My husband went with him, and I went to recovery (where I slept for 2 hours, apparently!!)

I was then taken to the maternity ward and special care unit to see my bub. So surreal being able to see and touch him! Still no cuddles yet though because he was on the breathing apparatus.

I was wheeled back to maternity and tried to sleep. Though that was difficult being so very numb and worried about tearing stitches or whatever else might've gone on down there.

Thus, my baby boy was born, and I am still emotional remembering these happenings. Very emotional.

It was traumatic and downright awful. Will I do it again? Yes, because it's a small drop in the ocean for what I now treasure more than anything.

#birth #birth story #pregnancy #pregnant #childbirth #labour #labor #c section #caesarean section #caesarean

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shaaaaaaar · 10 months

Text

god i don’t think loneliness has ever felt as bad as it has this summer.

ive had more intense feelings of loneliness in my life than i feel now, but this sensation of loneliness feels worse. it’s the pain of being given all you could ever want but having it be taken away before you can truly relish in it.

across the past year i’ve built and developed such meaningful connections with people. for the first time irl i had a group of people i was close to that actually shared hobbies with me. people that made me realize just how touch-starved i am and to understand my needs better, people that taught me how to say “i love you” because they showed me how strong platonic love can be. people that loved me for all of me.

i had never been told before that someone loves all of me including my best and my worst. i had never been told thank you after rambling for like an hour about something. ive had genuinely amazing people in my life before, kind and funny and that are cool as hell. but i never had the type of friend group i formed in the past year.

but then i had to graduate. before i was ready to be gone from everyone. and they’re all right on my phone, but it’s not the same because a lot of what made it special was having people that are right there with me. and we still haven’t found our footing online, our little discord server we use still hasn’t found its footing (which if i said i wasn’t part of the problem i’d be a liar), i’m not as connected with people and i’m not doing things with people and i was supposed to be doing more than i am, that’s what i told myself and what i told other people and what other people expect from me.

i’ve stopped trying to plan things online because trying to do so was making me so stressed i was physically ill constsntly, to the point i was literally told to stop for my own sake. so i haven’t done things with people.

i’ve barely seen people outside of school over the summer because i’m already so exhausted from things online, making plans irl makes me so sick i freeze up at the thought of trying. so i’ve seen people twice and one of those two times i was having a breakdown for half of it because i was so scared.

i can’t manage it. nothing has happened.

and i’m pretty sure i’m taking this worse than anyone else is, i feel like i’m living in a nightmare. and i know about self fulfilling prophecies, that’s been something i’m scared of and conscious of too, but i don’t think anyone truly gets just how much i’m losing here because i’ve never had this in my life before. sometimes my inaction is because the fact that i have to take action to begin with makes me feel horrific.

i’ve fought my ass off this summer, fought against this beautiful disaster of the culmination of my mental illness and neurodivergency and my interests and my queerness and everything that makes me atypical making it hard to find my tribe. i’ve kicked and screamed to be able to hold on, hold onto something, one thing with this one fucking group that can stay normal and undamaged and not at total risk.

i don’t want to call out for help anymore because i feel like if i let myself cry i’m only putting things more in jeopardy. i still have but either with the safety and stability of my online friend group, vague because i’m scared to actually say anything, or if i do actually talk about things transparently it’s very sporadic.

today was a breaking point for all of this. where i’m so stressed and so exhausted and so scared that i was this close to removing everyone and running and praying that somehow that’d make things better (despite knowing it’s stupid and counterproductive) purely because i can’t handle this anymore and i don’t know what to do because i feel like i’ve tried everything.

i just want this shit to be fucking over.

i don’t want to be alone anymore.

#vent #9 pm rule #shar rambles for way too long

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finnlandiaaa · 2 years

Text

As The Sun Rises (din djarin)

Content: canon violence, injury, character death

Word Count: 1.5k

:LOCATION/TIME: The Planet of Cosia, Late night

:SETUP: Din and Raina are lured to a village that they were told needed help fighting off imps, but they quickly realize that they’ve walked right into a trap; once they realize, a fight ensues, but as outnumbered and outgunned as they are, they manage to come out alright; at least they think so

A/N: whoooo!! First post! While I am on a hiatus for my main writing blog (@babyboiboyega), I’m still writing my ideas/plots out in “script form” or maybe its closer to a RP format...hmm...I’ll figure that out later!

But I hope you enjoy this!

*Sometime during the night, Din and Raina were separated* *Not too far separated, just on opposite sides of the field, but thats still enough to make the both of them very nervous* *They work better together, but everytime they try to make their way back to each other, they’re intercepted* *But it finally gets to the point where there are only a few more imps left, a number that they can easily take care of…if they weren’t exhausted and sweaty, and bruised*

*Din is fighting off 2 imps, quickly killing them both off before turning to see if Raina is okay* *He turns just in time to see her take out the 3 she was fighting against, and he can’t help the sigh of relief that leaves his mouth as the last imp hits the ground* *He softly calls her name, slightly out of breath, making her turn around*

*She turns around and sends an exhausted smile his way, her hand falling to her side* *Just as Din takes a step forward, the smile falls off of Raina’s face, being replaced with something akin to fear, and she quickly raises her blaster, firing a shot at something behind him* *He quickly turns around with his own blaster ready, only to see an imp who he thought he had taken care of freeze and then fall to the ground, a blaster bolt in the middle of his chest*

*Din lets out a heavy breath and turns back to Raina, holstering his blaster, but abruptly pauses*

*Raina’s blaster is still raised, but she isn’t looking at him; her gaze is looking down at her own abdomen…where a blaster bolt has hit* *Her gaze raises and looks at Din, her arm shaking, before her blaster falls from her hand, thudding to the ground*

*Din is utterly frozen, honestly, trying to believe whether or not what he’s seeing is real* *But all it takes is Raina softly saying his name and taking a staggering step back for him to spring into action, bounding toward her right as her legs buckle* *His arms come to wrap around her, bracing her head as he lowers himself to the ground with her*

*While one of his hands cradles her body to his, the other lands on the wound on her abdomen, aiming to staunch the bleeding* *But all it takes is one look at the wound to come to the startling and agonizing realization that its bad, and that without proper treatment…it’ll get worse* *But nonetheless, he presses down on the wound* *When he does, Raina sucks in a sharp breath, her body shuddering as it passes through her lungs*

Raina: “H-how bad is it?”

*He doesn’t even move his hand, and under the helmet, his eyes don’t even look at the wound* *He shakes his head slightly, and when he speaks, his voice sounds rougher than usual*

Din: “It doesn’t matter. We’re gonna get you help. You’ll be okay.”

*The shakiness in his voice tells Raina all she needs to know, and her answering smile/grimace is weak and sad* *She shakes her head*

Raina: “You’re a shit liar, Djarin.”

*His chest hitches with an agonized chuckle, but it sounds strangled when it leaves his lips* *He doesn’t need to look to know that her blood is spilling between his fingers, flowing quicker than he can stop it*

*One of Raina’s hands raises and lands on top of it, lightly squeezing his hand* *It takes her a few tries to talk, but when she does, Din has to clench his jaw at the weakness and wheezing of her voice* *She suddenly lurches with an urgency that has Din panicking and holding her tighter*

Raina: “Din, you have…you have to get the kid…and you have to leave. T-they know you’re here. They’re gonna send m-more-”

*Her sentence breaks off in a cough, and when she’s done, there’s blood dotting her lips and her teeth* *The sight only confirms Din’s worst nightmare* *But its only when her gaze starts to turn glassy and unfocused does Din start panicking* *He lightly shakes her, his voice raising*

Din: “Raina. Raina! You keep your eyes open, you hear me? Just keep them open- we’ll find some help. I don’t care if I have to speed jump.”

*He had thought her gaze was becoming unfocused, but it only focused on something over his shoulder, and a soft light finally started to appear on her face, he realizes that she’s staring at the sunrise that’s behind him* *Despite the way her breathing has slowed, her chest rising and falling far too slowly, her lips curl into a smile* *It’s far too peaceful given the circumstances, but he can’t bring himself to ruin whatever peace she’s found in these moments, even if he wants to yell at her to keep fighting*

Raina: “Have you ever seen…anything like that?”

*He knows she’s talking about the sunset, but he can’t bring himself to look away from her* *His eyes are wide and unblinking under his helmet, despite the tears that are gathering* *He shakes his head wordlessly, not trusting his voice to come out with breaking* *But then her eyes shift to meet his, and there’s a look in them that punches a hole through his chest* *It’s a mixture of sadness, acceptance, and…guilt*

Raina: “Din, I’m sorry. I’m sorry…I won’t be there to help with the kid.”

*Before she’s even done talking, he’s shaking his head quickly* *His hand that's on the wound twists until he can grasp at her fingers, and he holds them tightly*

Din: “You have nothing to apologize for, *cyar’ika. You…you did nothing wrong.”

*There’s no hiding the way his voice breaks when relief replaces the guilt in her eyes as they shift back over to the sunset* *Her smile widens in just the slightest*

Raina: “....will you…watch…with me?”

*Din’s chin drops to his chest for a second, and if Raina was aware enough, she would have seen the way his shoulders shook with barely contained sobs* *It takes him a second to answer, but when he does, his voice is hoarse and thick*

Din: “Of course I will, **ner kar’ta.”

*It kills him to do so, but he gently lets go of her hand and quickly raises it to the lip of his helmet* *With a quiet hiss, he pulls it off, gently setting it on the ground next to him*

*He shifts himself so he can pull her into his lap where he can wrap his arms around her* *He cradles her head in the crook of his arm and turns so she can get a perfect view of the sunrise; it has to be perfect for her* *He doesn’t feel an ounce of hesitation or regret at what he’s just done* *All he can feel is sorrow and a grief so powerful that its impossible to name*

*As he looks down at her with his own eyes, he finds it especially cruel that his first time looking at her through an unfiltered gaze will also be his last* *He reaches around and manages to pull his glove off only to bring his hand up to cup her face* *His voice is only a whisper when he speaks, and he desperately hopes that she can hear him*

Din: “***Ni kar’tayl gar darasuum.”

*Almost as if she understands his words, Raina’s lidded eyes shift back to him* *They widen just a fraction at seeing his face, and if possible, her smile turns softer* *Out of the corner of his eye, he can see her hand twitch, and without thinking, he gently grabs it and presses it against his own cheek* *His tears are halted in their descent as they land against their joined hands*

*Raina’s soft gasp is barely noticeable*

Raina: “Din…you’re beautiful.”

*Leave it to her to make him smile during one of the most painful moments of his life* *The chuckle he lets out is broken*

Din: “No, that’s all you, cyar’ika. That’s all you.”

*His words are genuine because even now, as she lay on his lap, blood splatter on her mouth, her eyes gradually dulling, she’s still the most beautiful person he’s ever had the pleasure of knowing; of bonding with; of touching; of loving*

*She chokes on the next gasp that escapes her lips and her eyes look back at the sunset* *Her smile slowly starts to fade at the corners, and when she talks, he has to strain to listen*

Raina: “Will…will you watch…with me?”

*Din turns his face more into her palm and places a kiss against it, his lips lingering* *There’s a tiny, agonized, forced smile on his face, because he doesn’t want his frown to be one of the last things she sees*

Din: “Of course, I will. I’d do anything for you.”

*Din cradles Raina against his chest as she takes her last breath, her eyes focused on the rising sun while his are focused on his own, personal sun that he found in her eyes and how it sets, never to rise again*

* cyar’ika - sweetheart, darling

** ner kar’ta - my heart

*** Ni kar’tayl gar darasuum - I love you/I will know(love) you forever

***************

This is definitely a step out of my comfort zone, me posting this. When I plan out my oneshots/imagines, I usually do them in this format. It helps me plan out exactly what I want the characters to do so I’m not worrying about while putting in the filler words and descriptions, and whatnot.

Everyone has their own method, and this is mine! Does it always work? Absolutely not, but I enjoy writing them out like this! And I hope you enjoyed reading this! :)

#din djarin #din djarin imagines #din djarin x OC #the mandalorian #the mandalorian imagine #the mandalorian oneshot #the mandalorian x oc #din djarin oneshot #star wars imagines #Star Wars fanfic #star wars oneshot

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yeleltaan · 1 year

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From @hexenjagd

It is a gentle gesture. With a turn of her wrist she cups his chin, cradling his head within her welcoming palm and holding him there. Her fingers fitted to the shape of his jaw perfectly as she delicately tilted his head her way.

A gentle urging for him to turn her way and face her. A beckoning.

"Come now, raise your head. Lift your gaze and meet mine." it was a command, gentle in intent-- uttered through a half whisper.

"I've rarely seen such success in many an era. You rose from nothing. Hardly able to stand or even give me your name, narrowly avoiding the embrace of death, from embers to flame. Look at you. You've come so far-- transformed. Whole and beautiful. Now, raise your head with pride. You have survived."

There’s little else to see. Nothing worth a look upon the grotto’s ridged arching walls, reverberating the whisper of rain outside past the faceless bushes. Still his gaze remains downcast, absorbed by earth-sunk stones. Every so often a stray glance dares peek through black strands to briefly settle upon some corner of her contours, reaffirming him with the glimpse of boots, of a hand or the ends of her ebony locks that she is indeed still beside him. But neither stare lasts, none dare remain, he simply cannot bring himself to fully look at her.

How many times has he thought back to the distant days spent inside that tent? Thought about all the things he could have told her if he could speak the way he can today. With a solid dominion over the language they shared, understanding him would have proven much simpler. Restlessly deterred by the suffocating hold of his ignorance, so much more could have been said had he been free of it from the start. When solitude struck low, he knows he wished he had more to remember her by. Wished that and more.

And yet, is this moment not weaved from the same thread of impossible opportunity? The same wishfulness as those dreams, the sort that visited him when exhaustion got the better of him. What is this silence then, Cayin? Has she returned, made her way back to you against all probability, so you could fall quiet beside her again?

This is your chance to say what you could not.

Her touch settles under his jaw, mindful, deliberate. It doesn’t bear the same warmth it once did, but then neither did her hand in those liar dreams. Scarred bearer of comforts, it still shapes a feeling of shelter truer than any walls, as does her velvety voice, first bringer of speech to his ears. At last she brings him to look upon her, truly and sincerely. So much more vivid than any product of the mind, yet perfumed in a strange bittersweetness. Perhaps because this isn't how he imagined it. Perhaps because his eyes do not lie, and they tell clearly that the two of them are changed, so very changed since then.

But where the proof of time roots him in this indecision he cannot explain, she responds in opposite: acknowledging it in a most celebratory manner, all in recognition towards him, towards what he is today in relation to what she knew him as. In this praise, in this short tale worthy of being preserved as an epigraph in a book, she welcomes him.

Success. When she puts it that way, it’s difficult to deny. Every need fulfilled has been followed by the search of the next, but to consider what has already been achieved is a pleasure of its own worth lingering in. She continues, calls him complete, calls him beautiful, names him survivor, like titles conferred by the sword that settles upon the head and shoulders of the newly knighted. Only he does not bow, as his head is called to rise. And rise it does, hesitantly, in spite of the knot tugging at his throat. Fists clench under their sleeves until the urge to shiver ceases, and they release, open hands rising to meet the one she placed under his chin.

“Not nothing.” He speaks in a quiet certainty. Claws grasp her fingers tenderly, delicately pulling her hand down and turning his wrists so his thumbs may rest on her palm. “I had you.”

#man... MAN...#this was going to be something short/relatively light but #there is so much weight behind this interaction. What she says here and the place of this conversation in their story #it's tremendous. I couldn't help it I had to describe it in more detail #so much so in fact that I was hesitant to write this because I'm still getting the hang of it again. This warrants some special writing #but I wanted to give it a shot anyways! I cannot pass up the chance to do this #You did beautiful work with your ask by the way. Absolutely lovely and it filled me with inspiration to continue it :]#the fact that Cayin has definitely thought back to everything he has learned... and lowkey wished she could see it #wondered what she would have said to him (when he thought her to be dead... which she kinda was but that's beside the point)#The way she acknowledges it here- going way beyond in the way she does it too! It means a lot to him and he hardly knows how to respond #he's learned to keep his composure much better #I could talk a lot about all of this but it's late over here! But you'll surely hear plenty more about it sooner or later ;y #hexenjagd #Elden Ring verse

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the-sinking-feeling-starts · 1 year

Text

these fucken people tell me how much they care for me and how much they want to be here with me

and it all gets snatched in the flip of a switch

my tragedy is made for art

my life has no privacy

i have no one to physically talk to

i crave intimacy

i crave peace

i crave freedom

but in the end of the day i am still alone in these four walls suffocating and being exploited and having my words i write, spread to people who dont deserve to hear my thoughts

i am so fucken tired of living like this

people and their war crimes and their hatred and their control and their emotional manipulation and their god complexes

all my lines get crossed all my green lights turn into blue lights and red lights

i fall in reverse into the past and skip ahead to the future to find a new one

everyone loves to talk their talk, state their case, and share their opinion. buts its all a facade

the tv censors me alone in my bedroom

sir, you can't flip off the camera. stick to the script now! cmon dude!

the comments all perfectly made "we love you! great voice! great setlist! great episode! but could you possibly try to be less agressive with your tone???? the audience isnt really vibin to it? your borderline personality disorder is showing. im not a psychiatrist but that's the general public's opinion.

these fuckers have the balls to talk their shit and control my life and what i do or say or what devices i use to escape this cruel world but dont dare to look me in the eye, or give me compassion

they run the great pretender play and bring up my history and how i watched my mother die on Valentine's day.

theres no remorse, they have no shame, they have no care for me or my heart or what they have been doing to me for months.

are you there? are you watching me? are you singing with me? are you crying with me?

they steal everything from me, they dont go away, they linger in the shadows. they only think about me on the tv. they follow me from town to town.

its all so fucked up and i am living an absolute nightmare for months now. hell, even years it seems; looking back at it

we have been six feet under, the blues, the yellows, the call me backs, the bow before your gods, the feedback, the treason. all in the sake of my heart.

we have been going thru the cycles for months now; been told its gonna get better; but it just worsens day by day. the crimes increase day by day; the liars increase day by day.

so yeah, i will blog about that, i will bet the lucky numbers on the bingo, i will give two fingers to the skynet

you can infiltrate my systems, preform your power tactics, give your love out and then take it back right away, you can talk your talk, but you cant change who i am or what i believe in.

i wont let the headlines get any of my time.

this cant keep up. and i wont allow my soul to keep up with this. i have stated my case numerous times. its my way. if you truly truly care for me. it is time for you to make a move and see me face to face. this digital life and analyzing every move is tearing me apart. I have put my life on the line for so long for these men and they are too "shy" and "insecure" and "busy"

i don't want to have to keep secrets, i dont want to have to play a character, i dont want to have to deal with narcissistic abuse anymore. after everything i have been through that i have not deserved, i need someone. i need a hug, i need to be able to sit down in public with someone and feel like im not just being misguided or forshadowed for the sake of the play.

im so sick of the experiments and the tests and the crossing of lines and the your right their wrong no im right no your wrong, no your opinion is sus, no your opinion is manipulative. its fucken exhausting and mind numbing having to always second guess yourself or question who you are talking to or thinking about when it can all be switched in the algorithm in seconds.

no matter what you do, what you say, how hard you try, there is always going to be opposition and criticism. you are damned if you do and damned if you dont. life is too short to deal with this fuckery. i have lost way to many people close to me to have to grieve in isolation like this and be a human punching bag for whoever has the m i c at the time. the mics will drop, the birds will chirp.. time will heal all wounds and the cycle will repeat. on and onn and on and onn and on and onnn

im not your robot, im just me

and you can fuck off! hope the feedback is seen and herd and the glitch will be fixed. thats not love. thats trauma and abuse.

thats what i think about valentines day 2023.

shame, shameful

sincerely from my broken heart,

Tyler Pierce

12:51 a.m. 02/15/23

0 notes

hotchley · 2 years

Note

🐨 I’m done with all my AP tests, hallelujah and amen. Twas exhausting. The nerdy side of me kind of enjoys the challenge though. After they’re done, the headache and sore arm from writing essays is kind of like bruises after a karate tournament, you know? Like proof that you just fought through something.

I’m sorry for not sending anything in the past few days…I didn’t even know what to say to that acknowledgment from your book. Dude, I love it. I love you. It means so much to me that you would write something like that about me. And I agree—we use our words to take the crap we’ve dealt with and turn it into something manageable so other people know they can get through too. Feelings are less scary once you can put them into pretty words.

I’m glad you’re doing better after the uni thing. Going to well-being is a good move! I know sometimes it can feel a bit awkward. My school has a similar place called SOS. I hang out there sometimes after panic/anxiety attacks, or after my grandpa passed, sometimes I would go there and just cry for a quick minute so I could get back to focusing on class. There’s a giant Baby Yoda squishmallow in there and I absolutely adore it.

I agree with you about Saturn! It’s a gorgeous song. I’ve had that and Light on repeat. Even wrote a fic inspired by the lyrics of Saturn because it was just so beautiful! I named it “bodies fashioned out of dirt and dust” after that line from Four that I love so much. I’m a big space nerd—Space Camp trivia night champion here (I went to nerd camp and beat all the other nerds at a nerd contest)—so all the imagery about stars got me right in the feels. “Light carries on endlessly even after death”. You know how we all have hydrogen and carbon and whatnot from stars in us? Supernovas are stars that burn exceptionally bright. It’s beautiful. But eventually, they explode. And then the stuff that makes them glow gets catapulted to earth, and it finds its way into humans. I like that idea. I think maybe people are like that too: once they’re gone, their light finds its way into other people, and carries on endlessly.

Proud of you!

Oh I get what you mean! I'm left-handed so I always get ink on the side of my hand but then it's like: yeah! I wrote so much that this happened and I did all of that and that's so good of me :)

It's okay, I was kinda glad you didn't because it meant you were focusing on getting through AP testing which is far more important than this. I love you too, and I couldn't not acknowledge that in the most important thing I've ever made. Exactly! I still think about your response to that poem I wrote a year after the phone call, and I realise how important it is that we are honest. Even if it's not flowery. My friend and I had a very impromptu conversation about a very serious issue one time and we both walked away feeling a lot better about ourselves because we weren't alone <3

Oh I used to feel so awkward going there, but it's actually a very calming space (which sounds obvious but yeah) there's some pretty quotes up and a lot of cushions. Like a lot-lot. I literally walked in and when she saw me I went: I just got rejected from uni can I sit? And she was so nice and it felt so good. Cos she told me after my counselling finished that they'd always be there if I needed anything and it really felt true in that moment and it was such a relief. Yes! There is no shame in going and sometimes you do just need a break. That squishmallow sounds great.

Ah nice! I love that lyric. Speaking of lyrics, I did we are cracked and broken from we were liars as a piece of calligraphy, and I was hoping you might like it! It's on my other blog lol. Ooh well done on the nerd camp thing, that's amazing :)

I like that idea too. And I think we're all made up of the people we have spent time with, whether we liked them or not, and that means we carry a piece of them with us wherever we go, and that is what meant by their light carrying on. We take whatever they gave us and we use it. Even if they were awful people, we can take the pain and the darkness and make it light. And it's okay to value that. I don't think I'm being very coherent so I'm just going to shut up okay love you <3

#🐨anon #people talk to me

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dreamingofaizawa · 3 years

Text

You Left

Pro Hero! Bakugo Katsuki x Reader

No gendered terms are used for reader.

Warnings: Cheating, angst, a bit of a cliffhanger ending.

Author's Note: Hahaha....I just hurt myself writing this. I may or may not have a part 2 lined up...with a happier ending...and may or may not have two separate happy endings...because I'm weak and can't handle pure angst...

ANYWAY, ENJOY CRYING~

Part 2 here

"Oi, what's wrong?" Vermillion eyes focus solely on you, on your fidgeting fingers in your lap, on your bottom lip caught between your teeth.

"I just...I don't know, I feel like I'm not good enough for you. You're so handsome, and strong, and smart...I feel like I don't deserve you." The blonde scoffs, tugs you onto his lap and plants a gentle kiss on your lips.

"Dumbass. I've got standards. If you're here then you're clearly good enough. You think I'd fall in love with some extra?" His brash wording combined with the light tint of pink in his cheeks makes you smile. Always so articulate. You know he means well, Katsuki's just emotionally constipated. You giggle, wrap your arms around his neck and pepper his face with kisses.

"Of course not, 'Suki. No extras, just me." He mumbles out a 'damn right, brat' as he lifts you by your thighs, unceremoniously tossing you onto the bed.

"Let me show you just how much I love you, yeah?"

How long has it been since you'd gone to bed without the blonde beside you? Maybe six months? Maybe longer? It's all starting to blur together.

You know where he goes, late at night when he texts that he needs to stay late at the agency for 'unfinished paperwork'. Katsuki Bakugo doesn't have unfinished paperwork. He never has anything backlogged, always on top of everything.

He's out in someone else's bed, listening to someone else cry out his name.

You can't sleep. Haven't been able to at night for a long, long time. Without the explosive hero laying next to you, and with the knowledge that he's sleeping next to someone else...sleep has evaded you. Over the months you've noticed your skin lose its pallor, the dark circles beneath your eyes have only deepened, and more often than not your eyes are red and puffy from crying.

You're heartbroken.

You crawl out of bed, silently rummage in the kitchen and start a pot of boiling water. You zone out for a bit, in a haze as you think about your pro-hero boyfriend. But he isn't yours anymore, is he? No, he's just Katsuki Bakugo: Pro Hero Dynamight, liar and cheater.

The high-pitched whistle of the kettle snaps you from your daze. You wipe the tears from your cheeks and pour the hot water into a mug with the tea bag, take it to the dining table and wait for it to steep.

The light from the hallway is the only one on, casting everything in a soft yellow glow. It would feel homely, if this place felt like home anymore. You just feel empty. Like your bed.

The sound of the lock in the front door turning gets your attention. He's home. You don't have to look to know he's got a haughty pep in his walk, a confident stride and puffed out chest from tonight's conquest. All sounds stop when he sees you.

"You're awake." He sounds disappointed. You don't answer him, instead bobbing the tea bag in the cup to get it fully soaked. You can hear him huff, hear him shuffle closer to you until his chest is at your shoulders and his lips brush your cheek. It's robotic. Routine. There's no love behind anything he does anymore.

"You shouldn't be awake. You need your sleep." You stay silent. Whether it's because you're afraid of what you'll say or if you just have nothing to say, you don't know.

"Oi, are you there? You listenin' to me?" Not really.

"I told you I had paperwork to do," liar, "you should've gone to bed without me." You stop, stand, empty the still full mug into the sink because you don't drink this tea. This is the tea he drinks. It's his tea, in his mug, in his house that you can't sleep in anymore. You heave a sigh, turn around and look at him. He seems taken back by what he's looking at. Has he not noticed your slow deterioration?

"Was it good?" His brows furrow, head tilting ever so slightly.

"The sex. Whoever you've been sleeping with these past months must be pretty good for you to keep going back." He rolls his eyes, scoffs.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean? I'm not cheating on you, idiot."

"Liar." He blinks. He hates liars, hates being lied to. And now....

"What the fuck did you just call me?" You stare into those beautiful vermillion eyes. How hypocritical.

"I called you a liar. I can smell them on you, all the different people you've fucked late at night. I can smell the perfumes, the soaps."

"They're from my secretary at the agency! Smells don't mean shit!"

"I've seen the messages, Katsuki. Have you forgotten your phone is linked with our laptop?" He stops, eyes blowing just a fraction wider before his shoulders slump in defeat.

"I thought...I thought you loved me, Katsuki." He looks at you like you'd just stabbed him, reaching for you.

"I do, please baby I do I promise..."

"No the fuck you don't, Katsuki. If you loved me you'd be asleep with me, in our bed. Not with some easy fuck to de-stress!" Your voices are raising, both of you swearing and screaming and it comes to a point where you aren't even thinking, just spewing words that have been bottled up. And then it all comes crashing down.

"Well maybe I wouldn't have to go sleeping around if you were good enough for me! It's not my fault you can't do shit right!" Katsuki's heavy breathing cuts through the deadly silence. He blinks, only now registering the fact that you're not yelling back at him.

What he sees breaks his cold, dead heart. The tears don't stop, but you're like a ghost. Silent, still, pale. He can see it now, see how sickly you've become. See the exhaustion in your bones. He can see what he's done to you. Why had he done it?

You can't look at him anymore. You don't bother speaking as you walk out the front door.

The blonde collapses into the dining room chair, in shock.

You left.

Somewhere in his panicked, shocked brain, he worries if you'll ever walk back through that door.

#bakugo katsuki #bakugo katsuki mha #bakugo katsuki bnha #bakugo katsuki x reader #bakugo katsuki angst #katsuki bakugo #katsuki bakugo mha #katsuki bakugo bnha #katsuki bakugo x reader #katsuki bakugo angst #tw cheating #tw infidelity #angst

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hobidreams · 3 years

Text

january 1870.

what can you do? what power do you have?

pairing: joseon king!yoongi x reader genre: angst, drama words: 1.3k warning: this drabble contains a form of disordered eating.

moonlit throne index. this is drabble 28. start from the beginning?

“…uinyeo-nim…! …ease wake up…!”

“Can…hear us?”

The world comes back to you somehow piece by piece and all at once.

Words, hurried ones, pierce the haze of darkness that is thick in your mind, tugging you insistently to the surface. You think there are hands on you, taking your temperature from your forehead, checking your pulse, placing a pillow beneath your head. Part of you would like to keep your eyes shut for a little while longer, wanting to rest, but you cannot bear the worry in the familiar voices that call your name over and over and over. Wake up, you think, wake up.

Open your eyes.

In the dim light, the first thing you see is Scholar Park. His face has gone utterly pale, sweat beading down his brow as he frets, biting at a fingernail. But when he realizes you’ve surfaced, his eyes blow wide. He breathes an enormous sigh of relief that turns quickly into a half-delirious smile. “You’re awake!”

“S-Scholar Park…” You try to sit up and it’s a mistake. You feel aches all over; your limbs are slow as if they’re pinned down, made impossibly weighty with fatigue.

A warm hand lands on your shoulder, and you turn to see one of the younger uinyeo, Min-ji, by your side. “Please, stay on the bed, su-uinyeo-nim.”

You nod, settling back as you slowly blink, blink, blink. You don’t remember how you got here. You don’t remember what has happened to make you feel like this, like you’re hollowed out, weak. “But Min-ji, what—”

The door to your room bursts open. Wood scrapes harsh against wood, slamming into its frame.

Your incredulous eyes fall upon the king: the only man who could make such an entrance and demand every ounce of your attention.

“Jeonha!”

Immediately the other two in the room drop into deep bows.

“What the hell is going on here?” He stalks into the room, Eunuch Kim not far behind with concern etched on his features. “What happened?”

Scholar Park is slightly shriveling under the fury of the king’s glare but he manages to say, “we were walking to the library when uinyeo-nim suddenly collapsed. I immediately brought her here with the eunuchs, and called for another uinyeo to treat her. She awoke just a few minutes ago.”

“What?” He whips his head to the side. “You. Why did she collapse?”

Min-ji’s voice is so small as she replies, “I… believe it is fatigue b-brought on by m-malnutrition, jeonha.”

Then Min-ji is shrinking back too, for the king’s scowl grows infinitely at her words. He gives their meaning but a moment to settle in before he bristles. Bares his teeth.

“Let us be alone.”

“Jeonha…” Eunuch Kim starts. You can’t tell if he’s more worried for his charge or for you by the way he casts worried looks between you both.

“Alone.”

It is only after the door shuts behind the others that the king turns on you.

He walks to your bedside until he is close, but he doesn’t touch.

You stare at each other, your labored breaths the only sound in the space until he asks with a low tone, “you have not been eating?” Though he might sound angry, thoroughly annoyed in fact, you think there might be confusion there too. You are silent, so he continues. “Yet, when I ask, the cooks inform me that they have delivered your meals to you as I have instructed. So.” The syllable dips low, dangerous. “Who exactly is the liar here? Who shall get the punishment?”

You… did not realize he kept such a careful eye on you. How much should you reveal? What excuse could you come up with that could spare everyone?

“Not going to answer me? Then I shall have to call someone else. Jin-young. What would she tell me, hm?”

Pressing your lips together, you recognize his subtle look of triumph as you both know you could not drag the beloved cook into this. Your only option left is the truth.

“She… would say that I have... been asking for my meals to be uncooked. That I— I told her I wanted the ingredients to attempt to better my skills in the craft. But instead…” you scrunch the fabric of your skirt tight within your fingers. You take a deep breath, and then confess, “I have been distributing most of the grain, vegetables, and meats to those in town who are in need of it more than I.”

His scowl is so, so deep. “You... have been starving yourself instead?”

“I-I am eating as much as necessary, jeonha.” You don’t tell him that means two small bowls of rice porridge a day.

“Yet you collapsed.”

“I merely overworked myself today, that is all.”

“No. No, I do not accept that excuse. You collapsed. You fell unconscious, due to malnutrition.”

“But jeonha, the famine.” You push yourself onto your elbows. You need him to take you seriously, even as you wince from the action. “The people. The people have so much less than I. Often less than a single grain of rice to pass an entire day and much less any real sustenance to keep them alive. They— they are the truly malnourished here!”

“That is absolutely none of your concern.” Though he never raises his volume to a shout, his tone is no less intense, no less furious as he carefully articulates every word. Biting every damn truth at you. “You are not part of the royal family. You are not responsible for the people like this.”

Rare anger trickles into your veins as you fist your hands. You’ve backed down to him one too many times and this will not be one of them. “I need to do something! Am I meant to just watch them die, jeonha? To pretend that my life is perfect and lavish while I watch them suffer and struggle for want of nothing more than a hot meal?”

“Then would you rather die in exchange?!”

Your breath catches in shock. Your fury tampers down, simmering but not extinguished when faced with his overwhelming intensity, snapped at you as he wraps a firm hand around your arm.

Like a predator, he brings his face mere inches from yours. “I won’t hear of this anymore. You are not to do such things. Do not overstep your position.”

He squeezes you once before he pulls away and proceeds to leave completely, abandoning you to the absolute silence of your room.

You wait three pensive seconds before the door shuts before you let yourself collapse back onto the bed. What little strength you regained feels completely drained from you again. You didn’t mean for him to find out. You had no idea how he’d react but you never thought, never ever thought, that he would actually threaten your life like this. That harsh question repeats in your mind, the implications behind it more exhausting than any fatigue could ever be.

Silly you, to think there’d been a change in all these months. That things between you were progressing and getting back to a point where you could be comfortable with each other again. In the end, you were just deluding yourself. Letting yourself get caught up in the play-pretend that you could be the one to stand by the king’s side instead of the whore at his feet. (“What power do you have?” he asked you all those months ago, his voice abrupt, too coarse as he claimed you. You have none, as he has proved to you yet again. Not even enough to save yourself.)

#ficswithluv #btsghostie #yoongi x reader #min yoongi #yoongi angst #bts angst #bts imagines #bts scenarios #historical au #rain writes #moonlit throne #remember: there are two sides to every coin

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lilyofthesword-writes · 3 years

Text

The Intern (Loki Oneshot)

Summary: Loki takes an interest in the latest of a long line of Stark’s interns.

Pairing: Loki x Reader (Can be read as platonic, if preferred)

Word Count: 2,809

Disclaimers/Warnings: None. Just a bit of fluff.

A/N: This wound up turning into something entirely different from the original concept. Just kinda went with what felt right. Also trying desperately to remember working with an Arduino board to make this at least semi-accurate.

Masterlist

Loki traipsed aimlessly through the Tower, his overly-friendly insomnia having kept him up past four in the morning again. Nothing seemed to help him sleep and he constantly grew bored laying around in his room waiting for exhaustion to overtake him. Wandering about seemed as good as anything. Sometimes he would come across something interesting. It seems now would be that time.

He rounded the corner and found himself gazing through the wall-length windows of Tony Stark’s lab. The armor-less Iron Man was passed out in a chair, head haphazardly lolling on a table. Usually, he was still working and would be until at least seven a.m. before Pepper would literally drag him to bed.

Movement at the other end of the room caught his eye. There you were, pulling a blanket out of the cupboard. You crossed the lab and placed the well-used cloth over Stark’s shoulders before returning to your work. Sliding your safety glasses on, you put all your focus into soldering some wires to a board.

What in the nine realms were you doing here at this hour? The sun hadn’t even reached the horizon yet. None of his previous interns ever started their days before nine. Albeit, they had barely lasted a week while you broke a record at just over a month, but the point still stood. Why were you here?

“Are you just going to stand there like a creeper, Loki, or are you going to come in and hang out?” you called out, not even bothering to tear your eyes away from the wiring.

Well, this excursion could prove to be interesting. Loki slithered through the doorway to stand opposite of you at your table.

“So what are you doing up this early?” you murmured. If it weren’t for you glancing up at him, someone may have thought it was more of a question for yourself.

Loki huffed a laugh. “I could ask you the same question.”

That elicited a quirky smile from you. “Woke up way before my alarm and couldn’t fall back asleep. Figured I’d start my day early.” You gestured toward Stark with the soldering iron. “This one over here is pretty lenient on the hours.”

“I would hope so,” Loki chuckled, “considering his own schedule.”

“A schedule that consists of planned energy drink breaks. Definitely one of the more interesting employers out there.”

“I suppose you could say that,” he mumbled, leaning heavily on his forearms propped on the table.

You set down the soldering iron in its stand and shut if off. “So I answered your question. How about you?”

“I simply could not sleep,” he nonchalantly replied.

“Hmm...” you hummed. “Lemme guess. A member of Insomniacs Anonymous?”

His chuckle reverberated through the room. This was probably one of the reasons Stark kept you around. You certainly had a particular snarky confident air about you.

Yet the corners of your mouth suddenly hung low and your brow scrunched together. “It’s more than that, isn’t it?”

“Pardon?” He was confused at your change in demeanor.

“It’s not as simple as you couldn’t sleep. There’s more to it.”

Loki’s lips parted in astonishment. Here you were in your first true encounter with him and you read him like an open book. What had you been told?

“I won’t make you say anything.” You held your hands up in a placating manner. “You probably don’t want to, and that’s okay. However.” You grabbed the notepad next to you and scribbled something on it, ripping off the paper and sliding it towards him. “If you’re ever bored and I’m not here, you can text me. I’ll probably answer.”

He reluctantly took the note that had your number written on it. “I cannot say I am very adept with these cellular devices.”

“Pretty sure you’re clever enough to figure it out,” you grinned like the Cheshire Cat. “But seriously, no pressure. The offer is always out there.”

“Wha?!” Stark snorted himself awake, his eyes shooting around wildly. “Rudolf? What’re you doing here?” He eyed Loki suspiciously. “You’re not going to scare away my intern, are you? That’s my job.”

You laughed, keeping Loki from spitting a venomous retort. “Good luck with that. You’ll have to try a lot harder if that’s what you’re going for, Stark.”

“Obviously. You haven’t run off yet. I’m surprised.” He took the blanket that was wrapped around him and began folding it. “Pleasantly surprised.”

“Sure, sure!” You waved him off.

Stark looked at his watch and swiped a hand through his purposely messy bed head. “It’s that time already. I better get breakfast before Pepper finds me... Alright!” He clapped. “Both of you, let’s go! Time for grub!”

Loki’s eyebrows shot up across his forehead. Was Stark actually having him join the two of you for breakfast?

“Yes, you too, Reindeer Games! One, I don’t want you in the lab alone.” That earned him Loki’s scowl. “Two, you seem to be behaving, so why not have you eat with us.”

You nudged Stark’s arm while shooting Loki an inconspicuous wink. “Awww, look at you! Already getting into Dad Mode and little Morgan hasn’t even entered the world yet.”

He nudged you back. “Yeah, yeah, yeah! Now come on. I’m starving!”

You continued to tease him as you followed him out of the lab with Loki close behind.

Loki lay in bed a few nights later, lost in thought. He could not get you out of his head. You had spoken with him like you would anyone else, deflected and stood up for him despite hardly knowing him. In the few years since he had been thrown to Midgard as punishment, Thor was the only one to show him a sliver of kindness, but even he held some hesitation. You did not. Your earlier interaction was genuine. He wasn’t sure what to make of it all.

In his perpetual deliberation, he had avoided the lab since that morning. Not that he didn’t like you. It was the uncertainty that kept him away, but that wouldn’t last much longer.

His phone settled lax in his hand, your name illuminating the screen. You had been right about him being able to learn how to text. Now it was a matter of completing the action. Tossing the phone to his other hand, he glared at the bright screen. His message had already been written. All he had to do was select “Send”. The clock at the top of the screen read two a.m. Surely, you would be asleep... But what if you weren’t?

With a huff, he pinched his eyes shut and hit the button, the swooshing sound seemingly echoing off the walls. The following silence was deafening. Luckily for him, the reply swoosh fell inline shortly after.

You: Hey, Loki. Can’t sleep?

Loki: How did you know who this was without me saying?

You: I can’t think of anyone else who would text me at this hour. ;)

Loki: I apologize if I woke you.

You: Nah. Already up. Trouble staying asleep. So what’re you up to?

Loki: Texting you.

You: Other than that, Mischief

Loki: Thinking.

You: Yeah? About what?

Loki: Possibly meandering through the Tower, again.

You: Liar ;)

Loki: Pardon?

You: You were obviously thinking about me.

Loki: What makes you say that?

You: You had to be. At least in the context that it would be better to text me than exploring.

Loki: Fair enough. Now, how do you know I am not planning to choose both?

You: You got me there.

—

Loki met you at the lab later that morning. The familiar sight of Stark was passed out, snuggling his face to a countertop, greeted you both.

Shaking your head, you huffed a laugh as you passed through the doorway. “Can’t really reprimand him when my sleep schedule is just as bad.”

Loki’s lips curled into a light smirk but didn’t speak a word lest Stark awaken and force him to leave. Despite your two hour texting session, he had been looking forward to joining you here.

“Thanks for meeting me here, by the way,” you called out to him as still stood just at the edge of the lab. “A little company while working is kind of nice. Gets too quiet when Stark finally shuts down.”

Taking a seat across from you, Loki quirks an eyebrow. “Would that not be considered a blessing?”

You stifled a chuckle as you flipped on the soldering iron and pulled out what roughly looked like a vambrace. The board you had been working on previously was molded to the shape. “If that happened by the end of my workday, yes. This early in the morning? Not so much. It’s boring if not a little eerie.”

“I see... So I am only here for your entertainment,” he feigned offense.

You gasped dramatically, “Me? Never!”

Laughing with you, Loki made himself a bit more comfortable as he watched you work. At the moment, you were adding tiny capacitors and securing them into place.

“If I may, what are you trying to accomplish?”

“Well,” you started, glancing up at him. “It’s a new piece of armor. Other than that, I technically shouldn’t say much else.”

“Right... Classified information?”

There was a twinkle of mischief in your eyes as you looked at him again. “It is a secret, but nothing quite as official as that.”

Loki leaned across the tabletop, supporting his chin in his hand. “So there is no harm in you revealing your project,” he tested.

“Harm? No. However, there will be disappointment on my end if you figure it out.”

“I accept this challenge,” he grinned playfully.

You smirked back,“As you wish, Mischief. I won’t make this easy for you.”

“I wouldn’t dream of it, Darling.”

The next several weeks chaotically blurred together. At first, you allowed Loki to observe your project as you worked on it. Once the vambrace began to take on a more unique form, you were hiding it in the mornings, opting to take on a different assignment when he was in the room. The design was strikingly Asgardian, leading him to believe the new armor was for Thor. He just needed to figure out what it did. He spoke with his brother on multiple occasions but was unable to glean anything from him. Either he had no clue or suddenly learned to lie well enough to fool Loki, the latter highly doubtful.

Apart from politely harassing you via text, Loki took to locating your hiding spots, something that proved difficult when the lab was almost always occupied by you, Stark or Banner at varying times. Stark was helping you keep this little secret, a sparkle in his eyes whenever he shooed Loki from the room when he was caught investigating. Even Banner was in on it, albeit reluctantly.

Then there was that Doctor Strange who was showing up every few days, joining you all in the lab much to Loki’s chagrin. By that point, Stark had banned him from the entire floor. The project must have been coming to a close if you all were trying to cover it up so desperately. But why Strange? Was he imbuing the vambrace with magic to protect Thor better? (Not that he really needed it.) His curiosity was certainly getting the better of him, going so far as to shape-shift as one of you three when Strange wasn’t around to get into the room. Somehow, Friday always knew and alerted the lab’s occupants who would send him back to the elevator.

It was early one morning as he was perusing the contents of the shared kitchen that you initiated contact with him. He was surprised since he had been the one to text you first lately to see if you would spill your secret.

You: Hey. Can you stop by the lab?

Loki: Oh? I thought I was banned.

You: Lifted as of a few minutes ago. So?

Loki: I suppose I might be able to grace you with my presence.

You: So kind of you, my King ;)

His heart skipped a beat at you calling him “your King”. You only used it in a teasing fashion when he was acting high and mighty. Even then, it still flustered him.

Loki made his way to the elevator, deeming it a bit devious to take the long way to the lab. You had made him wait all this time. It was your turn.

The doors reopened on the lab floor, revealing that his ploy to annoy had worked. You were leaned against the wall next to the elevator, waiting for his arrival.

“Finally! Come on!”

You audaciously grabbed his wrist and dragged him into the room with an impatient grin. Stopping him near your normal workstation, you demanded he close his eyes.

“Excuse me?” he responded incredulously, ripping his arm from your grasp.

“Please, Loki...” Your pleading eyes grew larger as you pouted at him.

Stark groaned, “Just do it, Reindeer Games, or I’ll cover them for you.”

Loki’s lips reared into a snarl as he glared at the billionaire before relenting and clenching his eyelids shut. Norns, how he hated those nicknames.

“Okay!” Excitement laced your voice. “Would you hold up your dominant hand?”

“Making more demands, Darling?”

“I did ask nicely this time.”

“That you did,” he chuckled a complied, holding out a hand.

“Perfect!”

He felt a metallic weight placed on his forearm before it was clasped together with a comfortable tightness.

“Okay. You can look now!”

The sight of the vambrace on his arm left Loki’s mouth agape. The main black of the piece was lined with gold Asgardian knot designs with runes placed in a handful of the empty spaces. Near his wrist, an artificial emerald was embedded in the armor. If he had to be completely honest, the aesthetics could rival much of the armor back home.

“Well, Kid. It looks like you rendered him speechless.” Stark nudged your arm.

Loki’s gaze shot up to the two of you. Stark was leaning against the workstation while you had hoisted yourself to sit atop it, nothing but grins on either of your faces.

“What is this-”

You cut him off, “It’s for you. We noticed after some of your missions where you had to use your seiðr more than usual, you’d end up exhausted before getting back to the Quinjet. The new armor should help with that. It’s supposed to amplify your magic without draining you.”

Stark shoved you lightheartedly, again. “The kid noticed. Told ‘em if they could come up with something that could work, I’d give whatever resources needed for the project.”

“So what do you think? I mean we still need to undergo more testing and calibrations before you can use it in the field, but-”

“You made this?” Loki locked barely tearing eyes with you. “For me?”

“Yup! Kid designed the whole thing!” Stark kept you from answering. “Minus the bits we had to bring Strange in for the wizard-y things, this was a solo run. Did a pretty good job. Not sure I could have done much better.”

“Stark...” you grumbled, clearly not used to the praise.

“This is...” Loki tore his gaze away back to the vambrace. “I don’t... I don’t know what to say.” His voice was just loud enough for you to hear.

“A ‘thank you’ would be a good start. Now maybe this little intern will get more sleep,” Stark blundered before checking his watch. “Well, it’s about time for my morning scolding. I’ll be in the kitchen if you need me!”

With that he whisked himself out of the room and to the elevator, leaving you and Loki in a terribly awkward silence.

“Hey...” you started. “If you don’t like it, we can scrap the design. It’s not a big deal-”

“Thank you.” His pupils were filled with a sincere gratefulness that few had ever seen before. “This is... This is simply splendid.”

“Really? You’re not just saying that?”

Loki spun on his heel to fully face you, his hands coming to rest on the countertop on either side of you. “I mean it, Darling. This... No one has ever done something like this for me before. I would be honored to be your test subject,” he ended with a smirk.

“Well, if that’s the case,” you grinned right back at him, “I’d say let’s get some breakfast first. There will be plenty of time to optimize the vambrace later.”

Pulling back enough to release you from his cage of arms, he gestured for you to lead the way. “After you,” he breathed.

Hopping down from the table, you held out a hand for him. Hesitantly, Loki took it while running a thumb over your knuckles as you pulled him to the elevator with you.

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