#and NONE of them explained this the ONLY thing that makes sense is bpd | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

alostlittleriverlotus · 2 years

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I have mentioned I have high empathy or am hyperempathetic. And yes, that is true. I have also mentioned I have gaps in my empathy, often caused by trauma or my disorders. But how I have come to see it is I have fluctuating empathy. While yes, I am hyperempathetic lots of the time, it is t just gaps. It's like sometimes it's entirely different. Even situations that can be where I'd normally feel so deeply that it could give me a panic attack, I feel cut off.

I don't know if there's a real term for this, but I am aware it is trauma based. Obviously my empathy has never been perfect lol, but it genuinely changes as much as my moods. It reminds me of my aceflux. Sometimes one thing can make me feel sex repulsed and another time it's hypersexual or it's just normal or just none. And that's how it's come to feel with my empathy. Yes I'm naturally hyperempathetic, my childhood proves that, but due to the trauma I've faced, how I developed, and how unstable my identity is, I sort of just change. I just feel fluctuating empathy describes it. I see other autistic folks and people with C-PTSD mention they experience this and asking if others do too. So I know it's trauma based. It's just some thoughts I had. Seeing One/Henry be revealed in the Stranger Things episode tonight sort of made me really think about it. Cause normally that much death, blood, etc. would make me have a panic attack. Because I've had them before. But I looked at them and I felt nothing. No usual pain in my body like before, no sickness, not triggers.

It happens with true crime too. Sometimes I can't even think about it without nearly having a breakdown and imagining myself in those spots and it nearly destroying me emotionally and then other times I'll only be slightly affected and sometimes not at all. And it's confused me for a while. But I think I'm coming to understand it.

Apologies is this is poorly worded, it is also an extremely simplified explanation. I also struggle to explain how things can feel in me as they are abstract and often just experiences. Not to mention how I feel I have to rationalize to avoid being berated or mocked because of trauma. So I tried my best to explain it and I'm still coming to understand it myself. But right now it was on my mind and I felt like saying something.

Minor spoilers for Stranger Things season 4. When you see the "💜💜💜" then that's the end of them and anything below it is safe to read!

ALSO WHERE WERE THE LIES IN *ANYTHING* ONE/HENRY SAID?!?!?! I GET HE'S THE VILLAIN, BUT WHAT HE SAID IS VERY TRUE ABOUT OUR WORLD! HE LITERALLY JUST DESCRIBED HOW PEOPLE TREAT NEURODIVERGENT FOLKS AND LITERALLY EVERYTHING HE SAID WAS A MOOD!!!!!!!!!! Anyway, that is my rant.

💜💜💜

But fr. I just had it on my mind and thought to explain it. It really makes sense now to me. At least in some form. I used to feel so guilty and awful. And I'm glad other people experience it and I'm not alone even if it's not the exact same. Also I used Aceflux as a comparison because in my experiences, that's how the spectrum of empathy feels along with my spectrum of sexuality and sexual feelings. So to me, they are comparable. That is why I used that analogy.

So anyway, that's just my little thoughts tonight. I'ma go watch some more spooky shit. Laterz!

Edit: I wanted to add that some people have their hyperempathy shut off cause of burn out, but it isn't like that for me. Two scenarios can be the exact same and I just go into them differently. It feels like my aceflux, but it also feels like my BPD like how something can trigger me one second and then the next I'm like "dude what? It's totally fine. Whether it's like me or others, differences in empathy can happen! Empathy can be learned or emulated! It can be many different things! It's not some singular understood thing and it doesn't account for sympathy, compassion, or one's actions. It is simply one's ability to understand another's emotions in a different way. Fluctuating is entirely normal for some people, it may not even be trauma related, but mine is. That is just me. And wherever or however you experience empathy whether it's rarely, none, changing frequently, changing at burnout, high, average, often, whatever. You are incredibly valid and empathy really doesn't mean shit :p it's just something that people experience in vastly different ways and some may not experience it at all. Like hopeless romantics, those that need romantic relationships, those that feel little or feel it rarely, or feel no romantic attraction at all. It's another spectrum that a human may be anywhere on or ever fluctuating! And so there's nothing wrong with low, none, rare, or fluctuating empathy. Whether it's causes by trauma or just how you are or some burnout thing or rare instances of feeling or not feeling empathy, all incredibly valid! It's unique to you and no one can tell you what you feel or experience!

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zeroar · 2 years

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Hello world!

Hi! I'm Zero! they/she pronouns please!

This was meant to be a quick about-me, but I ended up doing something a lot more comprehensive! So yeah, here's that!

I write/work in disability advocacy, social justice, and education. I focus on autism, ADHD, PTSD, cPTSD, and LGBTQIA+.

I am disabled, autistic, dyspraxic, and an ADHDer; I have PTSD—both the acute and cPTSD colors—and prolonged grief disorder; I am nonbinary.

I diagnosed myself with all of these as I grew up and received formal diagnoses for most of them in my 30s. My career in math education mostly ended in 2020 shortly after my love died in the first year of the covid pandemic. Both autistic and career burnout caught up with me; all of these things made continuing being in a classroom untenable.

Although I no longer teach in front of a class, I still write and study on the topics of education, mathematics, and math education.

I have "traits consistent with" being bipolar and having borderline personality disorder (BPD), although I have not been formally diagnosed with those ones. I am probably subclinical for bipolar—"subclinical", as in, a diagnosis would not be appropriate—and I believe that my BPD is better explained through the lens of neurodivergence, PTSD, and cPTSD.

I'm interested in connecting with other advocates, educators, and social-justice-oriented content creators!

More on Diagnoses and Accommodations!

I define "Diagnosis" to mean, "Associating a named condition with the person." There are "good", "neutral", and "bad" diagnoses. I believe the purpose of a diagnosis is to provide perspectives, frames of reference, and actionable accommodations.

Basically, does knowing the diagnosis help the person make sense of their state of being? For external conditions like PTSD or even something like a broken bone, the diagnosis is frequently the first step to recovery. For conditions that are inherent like being autistic or being nonbinary, the diagnosis provides a frame of reference to better understand and interact with the world.

Note that most people want a so-called "accurate" diagnosis, but they define accuracy based on some arbitrary listing of what the condition is and how it affects people. To the point that, eventually, anti-autism groups like Autism Speaks will release what they'll claim is a genetic test for "true" autism.

When that happens, they'll arbitrarily define people as autistic based on if they have those genetic markers or not and say anyone who was self-diagnosed or diagnosed by any other method other than their genetic test are not "actually autistic". Their plan has many objectives, but none of those objectives are about helping autistic people live and thrive with their lives.

It would be like if someone wanted to make all their dishes better by washing and cleaning them and your first step was to throw out any dishes you disliked. Sure, maybe that world seems "cleaner" to you—the person doing the cleaning—but those dishes are not benefited through stripping their status as "deserving to exist" and throwing them in the trash.

A good friend recently introduced me to a wonderful quote that encapsulates a lot of what I believe with respect to accommodations and diagnoses. It comes from Marcus Parks, one of the hosts of the podcast, "The Last Podcast on the Left". He has said, "Your mental health is not your fault, but it is your responsibility."

Too frequently, mental health ends up stigmatized due to the fact that society only really makes a big deal about it or even notices it when it causes friction. We've gotten a little bit better over the years as disabled communities have grown online and we started comparing notes, but for far too long, we only got "diagnosed" as a way to other us.

If you're undiagnosed, good luck! I hope that you will luck into everything you need. But once you get a "good" diagnosis, then you really do start to understand more and more about yourself and what you need in order to not just continue living, but in order to thrive as best you can.

I usually use the analogy of glasses/contacts. I have something like 20/400 or 20/600 vision, which is legally blind, but so long as I have glasses or contacts, I can pretty much get by with only minor inconveniences. It's not my fault that I cannot see, but it is my responsibility to accommodate my vision, and, when my vision is unaccommodated, to not do something like get in the driver's seat of a vehicle.

Because, for the most part, my vision is well-accommodated and only minorly stigmatized by society, I did not list "impaired vision" up front when I was discussing my identities. That being said, it still impacts my life and how I interact with the world. I need to do things like have back-up glasses when I go out wearing contacts or else risk being stranded. I have to think about wearing contacts during any scenario where my glasses are in physical danger.

(I once knocked my glasses off my face swatting at an insect for them to tumble down in front of me... the me sitting on a riding lawn mower at the time. Goodbye glasses. So, now I don't wear glasses to mow the grass).

Especially since 2020, the financial cost of accommodating this condition has been staggering for me, but even then, having impaired vision is something that is well accommodated for me, so although sometimes annoying, it doesn't make me feel like my life is completely different from someone who does not need glasses.

And that's really my current goal for most things I am working on in this advocacy space:

To help people accommodate themselves in ways that are going to give them the best chance for success, and,

To change societal views away from these boogieman-like representations of our people and the conditions we live with.

Thanks for reading!

#actually autistic #actually adhd #complex ptsd #actually disabled #disability #human rights #personal #autoethnography #mental health

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inaworld0fmyown · 3 years

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i think there are some people who are meant to come into your life but not meant for stay, and for a reason.

they are meant to teach you things. about love. about what love isn’t. about friendship. about what friendship isn’t. about yourself. about other people. about trust. about boundaries. about patience. about what you deserve. about how to let down your guard. about how you’re lovable. about how to let go. how to understand. and how to mourn people who are still alive.

i think about the quote a lot that goes along the lines of “i still love the people i loved even if i cross the street to avoid them”

i sometimes feel guilty for thinking about people who aren’t in my life anymore. i’m unsure why this is and maybe someone can explain it, but whatever the reasoning is it weighs heavy on me. maybe that’s because of my bpd and me always feeling the deepest most intense emotions possible in any situation.

i also sometimes stop and wonder how i even ended up here. like i’ve been in a maze my whole life and am completely lost, but it’s only my fault for making all the wrong turns. and in every corner of the maze are libraries of books filled with different lives you could have lived, had you taken a different turn. then the most haunting question of all human history “what if” pops into your brain.

i wish i was normal. i wish i didn’t put so much importance on every little thing, every person who i have any type of relationship with. maybe then i wouldn’t constantly overthink about the past, future, and present. i wish i had a different brain and was like everyone else. my brain is my biggest enemy and always has been.

although i get waves of nostalgia and miss the idea of some people, i am thankful it didn’t work out because i couldn’t imagine having to beg someone to treat me well for the rest of my life. in every sense of the way.

i also just really need to say i’m sorry to myself for how my mental illness has caused me to treat you. i am sorry to past loves, friends, and family for how my mental illness caused me to treat and hurt you. none of you deserved to feel any less of a person because of me and for that, i’ll always be sorry.

#bpd #thoughts #diary #past #i hate myself

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split-reality · 3 years

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who am i?

26 / f / jane

i don’t know how to introduce myself. i don’t even know how to run a blog. i’m currently on my first few days of wellbutrin. truthfully, this blog is probably a symptom of the resulting mania.

i have an entire pharmacy in my room with meds i’m apparently supposed to dispose of. who can relate? my mom taught me not to throw anything away. she struggled with hoarding. we all struggled with it. she passed away from covid.

other than the hoarding and childhood trauma, my mother was an amazing person. i am not being sarcastic when i say that either. i don’t know if i had it easy compared to my four older siblings, or if my childhood coping strategies of daydreaming, escapism, detachment, and splitting, preserved my loving feelings for her. but i love her. i always will.

side note: who knew daydreaming was so dangerous? is daydreaming as a coping mechanism (split worlds) the root of splitting itself? daydreaming, if used as a way to cope, can cause idealization. daydreaming is also a primitive form of childhood play and spontaneity. the difference is that children who are just playing know how to return to their safe (just as “good”) world. what if play (spontaneity) in children is severely criticized and punished? the child then begins daydreaming excessively to the point of idealization and creates a safe “reality” in their mind where they get their needs met by idealizing love, attention, and affection from the people in their life. they then have an image of the “good” mom that is available with endless love and affection whenever they want it. their core being (spontaneous self) in the unsafe world (actual reality), is locked away to protect the underdeveloped child from conflicting feelings they cannot yet process. the split world divide causes the child to become more withdrawn, antisocial, and detached from their reality. the child might hallucinate or see things that aren’t there which explains lingering symptoms of psychosis in some adults with bpd. over time, when the child begins to understand what a core identity is (adolescence), they realize it is underdeveloped and no longer serves them. they try to resolve their core identity through spontaneous acts that mimic childhood play in order to work out this internal-external conflict. these activities (coping strategies) usually engage all the senses and the physiological result is strong enough to temporarily “snap out” of the split worlds they created. these activities can include sex, substances, and thrilling seeking. the question is, where does the child’s core identity go? is it locked away for safekeeping? does the child have an underdeveloped core identity that is put on pause? what prevents it from developing? would play therapy help adults with borderline personality disorder develop spontaneity?

growing up, i did not have a close connection with my mother. the youngest of five siblings, my mom was too exhausted to pay much attention to me. the attention she gave me was very surface level. i learned quickly that acting out would get me noticed. any recognition was better than none at all.

before my mom passed, i pressed her for details of “that time when” and laughed at my failed attempts of evoking love from her. she told me about the times i would cry because none of my siblings wanted to play with me. being the youngest, i just couldn’t understand the games that they played. all i could understand was that they wouldn’t. play. with. me. i would run over to the towers that they built out of wooden blocks, say “fuck this shit!” and kick them down. i was a shit kid. this is how my futile attempts at love made me the scapegoat in my family.

and i was good at it. i became the outlier. the hyperactive child who just will. not. stop. i became the outsider compulsively looking for a way back in.

my mom often told me stories of my odd and downright disturbing behavior.

there is one that stands out in particular. i was three years old. she said my eyes were as big and shiny as cherries when i looked at her and said, “mom, jane isn’t going to take this fork and stab herself in the eyes and twist to pluck them out. jane isn’t going to.”

my frightened mother hugged me and said, “jane, why are you acting like this?” i then looked at her and said, “i’m not going to!” and started crying. most parents would take their kids to the nearest psychiatrist, but as a child of immigrant parents, my mental health was a figment of the imagination. a myth. a fake illness they use to lock you up and pump you with prescriptions. 22 years later, i was locked up anyway, my pupils big and glossy like cherries. this time from lexapro.

my mom told me of another time when she came home from school, too tired and hungry to play with me. she said i took a big ass potato from the kitchen. this potato was not just any potato. it was as long as an iphone 12 pro max. and i said, “i’m going to throw this potato and hit you!” she asked me why. perfectly reasonable question. i looked up at her and said, “because no one loves me, mama.”

i asked my mom if my dad ever dropped me. perfectly reasonable question given the circumstances. she said he didn’t drop me, but he did lose me once.

my mom claimed she loved and cared for everyone the same. i believe that was precisely the problem. she did not recognize our core being, our individualism. i don’t blame her. we were living in a bad neighborhood where, as a child, i would play and find needles on the ground. her hard work allowed us to get out of there. how could i find fault in that?

side note: some might say that i’m making excuses for my mom. to be completely honest, i’m not sure if that’s the case. sometimes i wonder if i’m not fully processing my childhood anger and hurt lurking underneath. if it’s so deep, i can’t even reach it. more on that later.

there are so many stories regarding my childhood antisocial, attention-seeking behavior but i just don’t have the energy to share. the only one that worth sharing is when i pretended to be mute for six months in preschool.

my mom was called in for an appointment at the school. the teacher said, “what are you thinking? you wanted to fool us into thinking your child is normal? she has not spoken for six months!” baffled, my mom turned to me and said, “jane, why are you not talking?!” i said, “because i didn’t want to talk to them, mama.” my mom said the teachers turned pale. before then, not one peep had come out of me.

- jane (shit adult)

note: i know that there are few 26-year-olds named jane, okay? i get it. i couldn’t come up with a name. black and white thinking prevents me from making decisions for myself. no grey area results in a fear of failure and perfectionism to avoid it.

another note: sorry to all the janes out there. i know you all still exist, but to be frankly honest, i don’t even know a jane. the name reminds me of morgue scenes from Law & Order SVU.

maybe i’ll call myself olivia.

#borderlinepersonalitydisorder #bpd #splitting #borderline #diagnosed #undiagnosed #mentalhealth #wellbutrin #lexapro

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remnantsofhersoul · 3 years

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I had this discussion with our psych a while back when I was trying to explain the theory of structural dissociation that says we begin life as parts, then due to severe &/or repeated trauma we don’t come together to create a singular self.

The more I learn about the different theories of structural dissociation, the more I like my little diagram. Of course, this is only my own interpretation. I am not a professional in this field, a researcher, nor have a studied all the theories out there. This also comes from having had a BPD/CPTSD diagnosis for a decade before knowing I was a system, so everything I learnt about those diagnoses & talking to people with them; both generally & about OSDD. Theories are just that. None of this is to invalidate anyone’s experience & no mental illness is better or worse than another. Your experience is valid. But maybe it’ll make sense to you, maybe it resonates or makes sense of your experience. Maybe it’s just a different way of looking at all this. Can you tell I’m feeling vulnerable posting this?

The first two are DID & OSDD where the parts are really seperate, there is no forming of a self. This is when the severe & repeated trauma occurs very early in life. I drew the OSDD alters slightly closer together to symbolise there being a slight difference from DID, in whichever way that is expressed in each system.

Then I’ve heard of cPTSD & BPD being on a continuum with DID/OSDD. There’s also mention in another therory of structrual dissociation that trauma under 18 can cause the person to not fully intergrate into one solid self or the self is seperate from emotional parts. The idea that the corpus coliseum doesn’t form fully, creating the left & right brain distinctions. So, this is my representation of what I think happens in this situation. I drew this as one core self, but with some aspects that are outside the self. This could be described as ‘splitting’ in BPD, when people have experiences of ‘not me, but me’. It’s not that it’s a completely other person like in DID/OSDD but they’re quite distant, detached from the self. These also have the aspects of the schema point below too. This isn’t to say there wasn’t early trauma or it wasn’t severe, ect. It’s just to say that for whatever reason; protective factors either internal or external, there was some formation of the ‘self’.

Lastly are things like schemas, learned compartmentalised responses to difficult situations or when someone will say ‘I have a work self, a home self, friend self’. They’re still the same person. These are just different aspects of themself.

The main thing I was getting at in this, was how harmful it was for our system that my psych keep pushing the narrative that I feel fits more with BPD, cPTSD. We don’t have a ‘self’. There is no ‘original’ or ‘better’ part. We didn’t have the opportunity to even begin to form a ‘self’. We might have parts who can function better that others, but they have just as many issues fueling their functioning as anyone else does for their behaviours. We need to work on everyone’s shit & have everyone work in more productive, safe ways, not focus on building up this imaginary ‘self’.

Again, I’m pretty new to this, this is my theory alone. It doesn’t mean anything other than make sense of my own experience of being part of a system. It doesn’t invalidate you or your system or your own theories or theories with actual evidence. I also may not have done the best job of explaining it. Do not interact if you are not going to have anything respectful to say.

If this does resonate with you, feel free to talk about it. Hopefully it does resonate with others out there on all layers of this spectrum. It’s not wrong to try to make sense of our experience. Even if we’re told we just need to accept the ‘professionals’ theories. No one knows our experience like we do. Professionals don’t necessarily see the raw side of our experience like peers do.

#OSDD #did #system #theory #mental illness #cptsd #ptsd

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lovemesomesurveys · 4 years

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Name: Stephanie.

Country: USA.

Age: 31.

Gender(s): Female

Height: ~5′4

weight: 70-something lbs.

eye color: Brown.

skin color: White.

Heritage: I’ve been really wanting to do one of those ancestry dna or 23 and me tests to find out exactly what I am. Relationship status: Single.

Are you physically healthy? No.

Are you mentally healthy? Nope

Job?: No job.

school: I graduated college back in 2015.

Favs:

Animal: Dogs and giraffes.

Flower: I don’t really have one.

Movie: I have many favorites.

TV show: I have many favorites.

Music: I like variety.

Band: One of them will always be Linkin Park.

Video Game: Mario Bros games and Animal Crossing: New Horizon

Gaming Console: Nintendo Switch.

Name: Alexander. ;)

Person: My family.

Love life:

1: Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend? Nope.

2: Do you love them?

3: Are you still in love with an ex? No.

4: How many people have you dated? Two.

5: Do you think you’ll get married? No.

6: Have you ever been emotionally/physically abused in a relationship? No.

7: Have you ever hurt your partner by accident without knowing it? I’m single, but no I don’t think I have in the past. But if I didn’t know it then I wouldn’t know?

8: Whats important to you in a relationship? Communication, trust, understanding, patience.

9: Do you have to see them everyday? ( or hear from them)? I’m singleeee.

10: Do you think you can love someone within 2 weeks? I personally don’t think so.

Friendship and Family:

1: How many friends do you have? Zero.

2: What type of friend are you? Not a good one anymore.

3: Have you ever been friends with someone for longer than 7 years? Yeah. My former best friend and I were friends for almost 15 years.

4: Do you have one best friend, more or none? One, my mom.

5: Have you ever had a friend just stop being your friend and you never knew why? Yes.

6: Do you get along with family? Yes.

7: Do you have a family member you hate? No.

8: Does your family accept who you are? Yes.

9: Are you an only child or have siblings? I have 2 brothers.

10: Do you have parents that still live together? Yes.

School:

1:What grade are you in? I’m not.

2: Are you in Middle, High, or college? ( or neither)? Neither, like I said I graduated college back in 2015.

3: Whats your favorite class? English was always my favorite. In college I enjoyed most of my psych classes.

4: Do you have a fav school year? Elementary school years.

5: Are you a good student? I was, yeah.

6: Do you think homework is good or bad? I wouldn’t say it’s good or bad. I mean, I get seeing if you’re understanding then material and whatnot and applying it. I guess it depends on the amount assigned and what type of assignment it is.

7: Have you ever had a teacher who was really funny but had poor teaching skills? Yes.

8: Is your GPA high or low? It was high.

9: Do you like to particpate in conversations in the class room or are you the listener? I was definitely a listener. I haaaaated classes that made class discussion apart of your grade.

10: Do you take part in extra school events? (eg. Plays, sports, leadership,clubs)? I was in clubs in high school and the psych club in college, even serving as a board member.

Health

1: Do you need to lose or gain weight? I definitely need to put on some weight.

2: Have you ever had the swine flu? (H1n1) No. I remember being scared about getting it and that whole thing wasn’t even on the level of covid.

3: Do you like to go to the doctors? Nooo. I’ve had more than my share of doctor appointments of all different kinds all throughout my life. They still make me anxious and stressed out, they’re definitely not something I find enjoyable.

4: Have you ever puked in school or at work? I remember getting sick once in kindergarten and having to rush outside to the trash can.

5: Have you ever been extremely sick where you couldnt even leave your bed? Yes, I’ve experienced that several times.

6: Do you hate puking or does it make you feel better? I hate actually doing it, but afterwards I usually do feel better. There are times where it gets to the point where I wish I would just do it already and get it over with cause I know it’d help me feel better. That’s when I’m really not feeling well.

7: Have you ever coughed up blood? No.

8: Should you be eating healthier ? Yes.

9: Do you lie to your doctor? I downplay some things or not share certain things, admittedly. :X

10: Have you ever taken too much advils? No. That would make me sick.

Mental Health:

1: Do you have a mental illness? Yes.

2: Do you take anti-depressants? No.

3: Are you mentally stable? Uhhh.

4: Have you ever been misdiagnosed? Yes.

5: Do you think you have an disorder but havent been properly diagnosed yet? Maybe.

6: Is self diagnosing good or bad? I don’t see an issue with researching yourself and thinking you may have something, but it’s important to take that information to a doctor. However, sadly I know that not everyone is able to do that. And I also have a problem with doing that myself, which I think can cause unnecessary stress. I also think people tend to throw around labels and say they have something when they don’t. Gah, it’s a slippery slope.

7: Should we give more money to mental health research? Yes, absolutely.

8: Do you think everyone has a chance to over come their mental disorders? I think many can learn to better manage some of them, but I feel like they’re always going to be there.

9: Would you ever not date someone if they had a severe disorder? ( Schizophrenia,BPD, mood disorders)? I don’t know and I’m probably horrible for saying that. I have my mental disorders and I know it can be a lot for people to be around and handle. I just... I don’t know if I’d be able to be there for them in a way they might need ya know? I lack the experience. I can’t say no for certain. I think it would just really depend on the situation and if I learned more about it.

10: Does mental illness run in your family? Yes.

SEX

1: Virgin? Yes.

2: what age did you lose it? 3: Did you take sex ed? 6th grade, middle school, and a health and psych class my freshman year in high school.

4: Does size matter?

5: Whats your favorite poistions?

6: Does virginity exist? I believe so. I know some feel it’s not a real thing or a social construct, but to me it’s a thing. It’s someone who hasn’t had sex. When you have sex, you’re said to have lost your virginity and to me that just means in the very literal sense that you’re not a virgin anymore. I’m not referring to it as something deeper. Although, it can be for some people. And while I don’t think it’s like losing some part of yourself or something life altering, I personally feel like I would feel a change in some way. I also want to add that it’s something I want “lose” or share with someone special. I don’t know, man. I’m sure I’m not explaining it well. It’s just a personal thing.

7: Do you think sex is overated? I wouldn’t know.

8: Is making love and fucking different? One just sounds more romantic and slow and passionate and the other sounds rough lol 9: Is it important for both genders to understand eachothers bodies? Yeah.

10: If someone was a virgin and was raped, did they lose their virginity? If it’s not consensual or your choice then you can choose not to count it is how I see it. Like yes, technically they’ve had sex, but something so horrific and traumatic doesn’t count. Losing their virginity should be done their way, with someone they want to share that with. In the situation they were raped, they’re allowed to take their power and control back and count it when they do so with someone they want to do, consensually.

Check the box:

1.My hair color is: [x] Brown [] Black [] Blonde [x]Red [] Funky colors [] Auburn [] more than one color <<< It’s a mix of my natural color and red because I haven’t dyed it since February.

2.Eye color: []Blue []Grey [x]Brown []Light brown []dark brown []green []amber [] I have two different colors of eyes

3.I am a : []Male [x] Female []Trans Male [] Trans Female []Gender Fluid [] I dont have a gender []Non Binary [] other

4: I am: []Fit [] Average [x]Skinny []Fat

5: I love my : [x]Hair []Eyes []Smile []Teeth []Skin []everything about myself []None of these. <<< Italicized because I only like my hair when it’s been dyed and my roots aren’t showing haha... unlike now.

6: I hate my: [x]Hair []eyes [xx]smile [x]teeth [x]skin [x] everything about myself [] I dont hate anything about myself

7: My feet are: [x]Small []Wide []Narrow []long []large [x]Ugly []Pretty

8: I have a hard time: []Finding something to wear [x]Making Friends [x] making food [x]staying focused

9: I am: []Employed [x]Not employed []retired []I can’t work []Self employed []Looking for a job

10: I love: []the moon []the sun [x]the stars []our galaxy []planets

Bold what is true:

I am Funny

I am a girl

I have no hair

I have curly hair

^ I hate it

I have straight hair

I have a dog

I have a cat

I have both

I love to get drunk

I don’t drink

I love to smoke weed but i hate smoking cigarettes

I love both

I rather have one best friend than 20 friends who i am not close with

My dad died

My mom died

My parents are both dead

My parents are alive

I like to touch my bruises

I have funny teeth

I love Mcdonalds fries

Sometimes when Im alone I sing as loud as I can

even if i cant sing

I believe in God

I believe in the butterfly affect

I hate video games

I wish I was taller

I can’t understand math

I am very good at writing an essay

I never had sex before

I love Mac N Cheese

I love Disney Movies

I prefer Dreamswork over Walt Disney

I am going to College

I finished college

I wish I went to college

I hate my job

I am the boss at my job

I have a feelings for a friend but i cant tell them because it would ruin our friendship

^ I have feelings and i told them

I wish soda was healthy

I sleep with the window opened

This survey was too long

#personal #text #survey #surveys

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soncfseed · 4 years

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REPOSTED FROM MY OLD BLOG: Probably my most important headcanon, so please take the time to read this!!

spoilers ahead, but im gonna look at ethans cutscenes and talk about how his bpd (borderline personality disorder) affects his actions and his perceptions throughout the story of new dawn. this is all just headcanon and my interpretation of ethan and how bpd would affect him. none of this is meant to excuse his more nefarious actions, but explain why my interpretation of ethan doesnt pin him as a selfish, horrible, awful monster, but rather a young man with a lot of unresolved trauma and a serious mental health condition who ended up making some terrible choices that resulted in a lot of pain for a lot of people.

0:05 - ethan’s introduction

in this scene ethan experiences some pretty quick and dramatic mood shifts, and has a pretty significant emotional outburst. these are characteristic of the mood swings and emotional dis-regulation experienced by many people with bpd. he starts off catching the captain off guard, sneaking up behind them. ethan has been taught to distrust outsiders, and a symptom of bpd he experiences is suspicion of others and sometimes brief bouts of paranoia. this kind of behaviour makes sense when this is taken into context.

he says that he might not be what the captain expects. this is part of his low self esteem and struggles with his self image and how others perceive him. he constantly feels as though he can never truly be his own person, outside of joseph seed, and that his existence is a disappointment to those who know him.

once he sees the book, he is triggered into a bit of an emotional rollercoaster. acknowledging that the deputy is the one who found the book, and according to joseph’s prophecy will be the true ruler of new eden, is what sets him off. once ethan goes into his rant about it should’ve been him, he’s experiencing a mood swing and sudden spike in his anger and irritability. due to his issues w emotional regulation and control over his expressions of emotion, ethan lashes out by screaming and knocking over the podium in the church. mood swings for bpd sufferers can be only minutes long. what pulls ethan back down to earth a bit is a sudden rush when he realizes he can work with the captain to enlighten new eden to the truth: that joseph is a man, not a messiah, and kind of a shitty one at that who abandoned them all.

3:50 - ethan’s first speech in new eden

ethan’s posturing here is just that; posturing. he’s putting on a bit of a show with the “non believer” bit. he does, however, not entirely trust outsiders nor would he trust that the people of new eden wouldn’t turn on him if he suggested that the captain go north. no, instead he plays off of what he expects the people will do to avoid potential rejection or rebellion. this plays off of his mistrust and suspicion of others, as well as serves to protect his secret interests (getting proof that joseph is dead to get new eden to move on from him) and his ego (tied to the bpd symptom of self image issues and unstable self realization).

ethan can’t help but be a bit sarcastic with “we are all his children”. sarcasm and unwarranted aloofness can tie into bpd, and here it definitely does due to his poor relationship with his father, and with the rumours surrounding his paternity in new eden.

while bpd does not inherently make people manipulative, manipulation of others is often something those with bpd adopt as a coping mechanism to manage their unstable relationships or unstable self image. ethan has adopted this trait in some ways and this is definitely one of them. he does not trust the people of new eden, and knows they wont listen to him fully. this is his main motivator for keeping his plan secret.

the fact that ethan feels he has to act a certain way when he’s the leader of new eden further contributes to his unstable self realization. he puts on different fronts to different people to try and both please them and protect himself.

when he says “they will at last understand that i am their prophet…”, this is in part because he feels he’s worked hard to be the inheritor of new eden. he’s not only joseph’s son (and even if he doesn’t like joseph he wants to be recognized as his biological son, making the rumours about his paternity even more hurtful) but he’s been a successful leader as far as we can tell. to think he will lose it all over a book is damn near panic inducing for ethan. well this is in part a kind of arrogance, it’s fueled by his extreme emotions/mood swings as well as how closely he ties his identity to his position within his community. because his self image is so unstable, threats to that cause him to act in ways that may seem irrational or extreme in order to try and protect his self image. also, ethan will only help the captain in exchange for something in part bc of his suspicion of others. he doesn’t want to offer new eden’s archers and resources without knowing that he will benefit in return. after all, if something goes wrong in new eden bc of this outsider and he allowed it, it’s his responsibility to take the blame and fix it.

5:20 - into the bliss

theres not much in this scene to tie to his bpd. one line i think is important though: “bring me proof of my fathers death and i will make sure you are remembered as a friend of the prophet”. well this can be interpreted as ethan saying to kill joseph, i dont think he is. ethan believes joseph is long gone, that he could never survive all alone for this long. ethan isn’t evil, he’s not asking someone to commit murder, he’s asking them to confirm that someone is already dead. sure, he’s self serving and he wants something in return for his allyship, but to him this is how he can ensure a fair trade, and that an outsider won’t take advantage of him or new eden as easily.

14:18 - ethan, interrupted

ethan’s big speech where joseph fuckin crashes it. at first, he literally does not even see joseph in the crowd. he truly believes he’s dead and that the captain will bring back proof of this. to him, adherence to his rule makes sense; he’s the leader, and things need to change. it is arrogant, because ethan has partially internalized a sense of superiority and entitlement because of his position as joseph’s son, and now heir to the rulership of new eden (he thinks). this combined with an unstable self esteem and self image makes him want total compliance to his rule. criticism, disobedience, they threaten his self worth and that can send him into an emotional spiral or severe mood swing. so, to try and avoid the negative consequences he experiences from perceived slights and rejections, he wants a clean slate and total adherence to his new rules.

when he actually sees joseph, he stops, stammers, and says “father?”. not the father. just father. in this moment, his father who abandoned him (who went out for smokes and never came back) has suddenly shown up in the middle of his speech about him being dead. his arm drops and he stands there, stunned and speechless. his first question is “where have you been?”. he wants to know why and he asks why. why did his father abandon them? abandon him? the answer is completely meaningless to him. it’s basic, it has no detail, and isn’t sufficient. he’s speechless again for a bit, breathing heavier and hyperventilating. he steps away from joseph. when joseph calls the captain god’s sword, ethan damn near does a double take. he’s literally standing in his father’s shadow while he exalts an outsider in front of his own son, after interrupting his speech and embarrassing him in front of everyone.

one of ethan’s symptoms is his overvaluing and undervaluing people in his life. this is when he switches from overvaluing the captain, putting too much faith and hope into them, to undervaluing and practically hating them. his relationship with his father is tenuous, and rocky. it is characterized by ethan’s intense desire to be josephs successor and publicly recognized as his son. ethan even calls out to joseph, upset about the fact that hes now suddenly and publicly being dethroned; joseph doesnt even look back at him. ethan rejects josephs words in anger. he has a sudden outburst in front of the crowd; yet another sudden spike in his emotions from a stressful situation causes him to say what he’s really thinking. “you abandoned me. you abandoned us.” ethan says joseph didn’t leave instructions or a message, just left ethan to lead with no idea how. he does the best job he can under these extreme circumstances, and now all of his hard work is for nothing. that would make even the most level headed neurotypical person upset. whenn ethan starts to lose the support of new eden, he breaks down a bit. the anchor of his self image has been completely ripped away from him in a moment. he storms off partially and his body language is pretty dire; head down, shoulders moving sharply like he’s breathing harshly, and then he turns to watch the crowd walk away from him. imo, part of why ethan doesn’t completely lose it in this scene is that he might be partially dissociating or beginning to dissociate or experience some de-realization from the sudden, acute emotional distress this moment causes for him.

17:45 - ethan’s response

this is when ethan says that the captain betrayed him. they had a deal. he completely put his trust into the captain, idealizing them as the person who could solve his problems, only for them to bring joseph back and make everything in ethans life worse. now, the pendulum swings to the other side where ethan begins to loathe the captain. saying that the captain should have killed joseph themselves is an expression of 1) the intense reactions people with bpd can have to certain situations and 2) his skewed logic because of it. what seems totally irrational to someone else might seem like the only logical solution to a problem for someone with bpd. the stress of such a painful, emotionally charged situation like this one. he never wants to see the captain again; on a dime he flips, from putting all of his trust and hope into one person to saying he never wants to see them again and that they betrayed him. this quick switch of very intense perceptions of others is a cycle of idealization and undervaluing that people with bpd may experience.

18:07 - ethan’s prayer letter

in this letter, ethan discusses how he feels he hates his father for the abandonment; how joseph “expected everything and gave nothing”, how ethan never got to really have joseph as a father for himself because he was too busy being THE father. he says wrath and envy grip him tight to the point he feels he can’t breathe. this is definitely indicative of ethans mood swings and intense emotions, especially the irrational anger and aggression many people with bpd can have. then, he says nobody but himself, his mother, and god can know about how he feels, and that he must put on a front for new eden and be a leader to them “no matter what”. this is absolutely something i can see being tied to his bpd. he is aware that expressing his thoughts, feelings, and reactions to others would probably get a negative reaction. he seeks to avoid that, as well as to avoid the judgment from others he thinks he would get. his unstable self image is complicated by the fact that he feels obligated to hide the symptoms of his illness, and pretend to be someone he isn’t. this only makes it worse, as he ties his social and therefore individual identity to “ruler of new eden”. he relies very much on the responses and reactions of others to gauge whether or not he seems “normal” or capable of doing his job.

18:27 - npc dialogue

ethan says that josephs followers see the prophecy coming to light, but ethan sees it as a chance for new eden to make its own path. this is also when ethan says that he is josephs biological son, and that his mother raised him outside of hope county and brought him there when he was young to be raised by joseph. she died from an illness on their journey. this is some pretty significant baggage for ethan. he wants new eden, and himself, to become independent. the only reason he stays in new eden is because of his mother. he loves her, and idealizes her in a way that never flips to undervaluing because the relationship is one sided since her passing.

19:23 - megan’s letter to joseph

this is important just bc it states megan raised ethan as a non believer but after the collapse taught him about joseph’s word. this is important for ethan because it means he had to relearn some pretty significant things after the apocalypse, including a whole new religion and worldview. this can be very confusing for a child, and in part explains why ethan isn’t totally on board with josephs word, or the all of new eden’s beliefs surrounding him; his earliest formative years had nothing to do with joseph seed or prophets or collapses. he had to convert, and did so as a child who couldn’t really understand or make that choice for himself. he is tied to new eden solely because of megan, and without her wish to have him be josephs heir, he would’ve left long ago.

20:08 - intermission/flashback

this is when we see a young babby ethan get nasty with joseph. this is an early sign of his bpd developing. he has an intense reaction and says something very hurtful to his father over not getting what he wants, which isn’t just the apple but his father’s approval. to him, this is another rejection by joseph, or it is perceived that way by a young ethan. constantly being told something wasn’t gods plan, or it isn’t part of a prophecy without further explanation was confusing and frustrating for ethan growing up. he wanted the apple to be like his father; he wanted the apple to feel integrated into his community like the others who were given the gift. this denial, one that is permanent and leaves no room for ethan to change or grow and become capable of handling its strength leaves him feeling defeated and angry. his reaction of “you are an old man, and when you die i will take one” shows a very quick emotional shift and a shift from idolizing his father and wanting to be like him to practically hating him, becoming cold and distant in mere moments.

21:16 - joseph’s worry

“ethan’s sin is pride. there is something deep inside him that no word of mine can touch. i worry that now as an outsider appears to take his place that beast will feed on resentment and grow stronger. ” YEAH ITS BPD YA DINGUS fdpgpfd but more seriously, ethans pride is a coping mechanism to deal with his ever changing self image and self worth. its a rigid barrier to keep others from knowing how weak he really feels, and how uncertain he is of himself.

23:25 - ethan’s betrayal

this is where ethan betrays new eden and sets them up so the highwaymen can destroy the settlement. he tolerates the highwaymen laughing at him only so he can get what he wants: revenge. this extreme response is from his bpd. his impulsive anger, and the extremes his mind goes to won out and he acted on his violent thoughts.

26:26 - ethan and the fruit

when joseph asks ethan what hes done (referring to betraying new eden), ethan says: “i did what i had to do. i freed myself, i freed us all from you, from your rules.”. to ethan this was logical. this was something he had to do. he didn’t take pleasure in it, he didn’t go into new eden and kill everyone himself. no, he handed them over to the highwaymen in a desperate, out of touch moment. the spark was there and his disorder was gasoline that helped the flames to spread. he reacted intensely, out of irrationally extreme anger, towards an entire group of people he had shifted to undervaluing. he felt betrayed so he returned in kind, but no matter how wrong that was ethan couldnt see it.

“i will have what you denied me. you gave it to an outsider but you wouldn’t give it to me. i am your flesh and blood” and explosively tells joseph he doesnt know gods will. he lashes out against his father, arguing with him and rebelling directly by taking the one thing joseph kept him from that he truly wanted. to ethan, in my hc, the apple is more than just power and more than just something he covets. its a symbol of joseph’s fatherhood, of his love; he gave it to everyone but ethan, his own son, and now he would take what he wanted from life with or without josephs input.

31:08 - the death of ethan seed

the first thing ethan says after he sees joseph is “father… i’m sorry”. he’s scared. he knows he’s going to die. he asks if joseph can forgive him. he knows he’s fucked up, obviously, not just by eating the apple but by betraying new eden. his last word is “father”. no matter how torn his relationship was with joseph, he wanted his father’s love. he wanted connection with his father. he wanted to feel validated, have his identity confirmed, even in his last moments.

#hc #repost from old blog

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babes-and-baddies · 5 years

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How much do we actually know about Shigaraki Tomura, and how much is just implication? And can we truly trust what we have been shown?

As odd as it is, I feel like the more we learn about him, the more questions are brought up. And while a lot of this may be old news on unsurprising to must of us, all well as basic ‘well of course that applies to him’ info, it’s still worth sitting down and evaluating how much is actually true. I probably missed some things, and will update when new info comes up!

WHAT WE KNOW IS TRUE:

Shigaraki Tomura is the name given to Shimura Tenko, grandson of All Might’s teacher Shimura Nana. He was taken in by AfO, who killed his grandmother, and was raised to become his successor so as to cause All Might to most possible pain. (source: ch 88, 92, 222)

He’s 20 years old, was taken in as a child, and at 14 experienced the aftermath of his Sensei being beaten at the hands of All Might, and in turn saw his Sensei receiving irreplaceable damage. (source: ch 1, 220)

He has countless scars across his face; a group surrounding his eyes, one down his left eye, and one down the right side of his mouth. He’s had them since before AfO took him in, so they’re most likely from either earlier in his childhood, or from whatever event traumatized him and killed his family. (source: ch. 222)

He wears what he believes/are actually the disembodied hands of his family, which he murdered as a child. Flashbacks of his family include his parents, a little girl, and a corgi, although it’s never stated these flashbacks truly correspond with his family. There are additional, unaccounted for, hands, which he wears alongside his family as part of his villain costume. He treats his ‘family’ with genuine care, apologizing to them and making sure they’re safe; at the same time, for all the peace they bring him, there’s a sense of horror and pain. (source: USJ, ch 85, 220, 222)

He’s incredibly intelligent, and usually when his plans fail it’s because of unpredictable factors (Deku distracting them at USJ, Katsuki’s stubbornness and unique ideals + Momo’s tracker, etc). He successfully managed to use Stain’s ideals for his own benefit despite hating him, and duped the 8POD into trusting the League before stabbing them in the back and taking what he needed from them. (source: a lot)

Moral ideals and grand plans personally mean nothing to him, and he’s shown disinterest for such ideas from the beginning by making his speech at USJ and then nonchalantly agreeing it was bullshit, and his hatred and lack of understanding of Stain’s ideals and popularity. He’s even outright said he doesn’t want power or authority, but instead wants to simply destroy. (source: his USJ speech, ch 69, 222)

He wants to kill everything he doesn’t like, including All Might. Shigaraki is cruel, violent, and driven by a mix of anger, emptiness, and hatred. This has always been the case, and chapter 222 has gone ever further in explaining how he deals with his feelings. AfO fostered his trauma and its effects, and taught him how to use them so he directs his pain out against the world. The exact reasons behind and mechanics of how this happens is still uncertain, but nonetheless interesting to look into. (source: ch 69, 88, literally every appearance he’s in)

Shigaraki is dealing with trauma and mental illness, and received little to no help for coping with it. The exact nature of his mental illness is unclear - there have been lots of interesting options people have talked about that are worth bringing up, such as depression, OCD (plus excoriation disorder for scratching at his neck), BPD, PTSD, and autism, but in the end it’s hard to say anything more definitive than ‘some mental illness’ - and the range and scope of his trauma is hard to know, but it’s still safe to say he’s dealing with both. From the way AFO and the doctor treat his breakdown after seeing his ‘families’ remains’, it’s clear they care little to none about his actual wellbeing, and instead want to use his trauma to their advantage. (source: ch 222, general traits in all his appearances)

We know Shigaraki’s own understanding of his childhood, and that his trauma shaped the person he is now in current chapters. He has fragmented memories, rage associated with them, and a nauseous calm he has from wearing his family on him. Even while going about for non-villainous activities, such as when he ran into Midoriya at the mall, he’s still shown to have Father with him. Upon losing Father, he shows excessive stress. That said, he’s started to wear Father less while around the League, although we don’t know what caused him to do so. It could be a tactical bid to make them trust him, or that he depends on them less when with his colleagues, or that he himself trusts his colleagues, etc. Either way, he still takes great care to protect his ‘family’ and make sure they’re on hand at all time in case something happens unexpectedly. (source: chs 18, 88 220 - 222)

The League is important to him, enough so that he’s willing to show trust in them and make exceptions in his goals to let them keep what they love. While there are different ways of explaining why he treats them with such care and freedom, it’s undeniable that he’s invested in all of them. (source: overhaul arc, ch 220 - 222)

Shigaraki is growing, learning, and coming into his own person the further along in Canon we go. While he started at USJ with using his allies as tools and canon fodder, now he takes time to individually connect with his teammates and look out for their wellbeing, even if we don’t know his emotional state behind doing this. He’s utilized his enemies ideologies for his own sake, and learned to manipulate the game to take advantage of his enemies, like how he tricked the 8POD before destroying them and stealing their quirk-erasing bullets. (source: overhaul arc, ch 85, 160)

He’s becoming the type of leader to go out in the field with his teammates, not just command from the shadows. While at USJ he was happy to abandon his minions, and at the training camp he stayed at the bar while the Vanguard Action Squad did the dirty work, by the time they faced off against Overhaul he’d be in the thick of it alongside his party, jumping off of moving trucks and including his team in his declarations, providing and proving a unified front. (ch 160, 220)

He’s also the type of guy to regularly speak in video game terms. I just think that’s neat.

WHAT IS FALSE:

‘Shigaraki is an immature whiny manchild.’ I’ll admit, he does act manic and childish about certain things in the beginning; at the same time, he’s shown a lot of maturity, intelligence, and self-awareness throughout the series. In fact I’d say he’s shown considerably more of those traits that a lot of the more central characters, considering how frequently cases of him growing and showing level-headed, calculated choices despite are shown how little screen time Shigaraki has.

‘He has no social skills and doesn’t know how to interact in society.’ While Shigaraki clearly doesn’t care about fitting in or social norms, he’s shown time and again that he *knows how* to. He uses his words to win over Toga and Twice when they didn’t want to work temp for the 8POD. Even earlier, at Kiyashi Ward Shopping Mall, he blends into the crowd and manages to not catch any suspicion despite actively threatening the life of a teenager. He’s the type to go out into society when he needs to calm down, despite hating everything about it; he don’t act antisocially, he just doesn’t show any respect or care for the norms he uses to blend in when needed.

‘He’s inherently broken.’ It’s been heavily implied that he was manipulated into his state since Kamino, but chapter 222 made is blatantly obvious: Shigaraki’s rage, his ideals, his cruelty, is all a product of his not getting enough help as a child and instead only having AfO and his followers to help him grow up around his trauma.

‘Shigaraki is shallow, confusing, and doesn’t know what he’s doing’ His goals may seem empty and shallow, but given his backstory and trauma it makes a lot of sense and is quite reasonable. Not everyone can relate to the self-destructive feelings of emptiness he describes, but it truly shows that he is aware of what he’s doing, knows what his motivations are, and simply chooses not to care about the morality of consequences of his desires. Despite being clearly manipulated by AfO, he’s not a mindless shell without agency. He’s grown, and even though what he’s becoming is what AfO likely hoped for him to be, he’s still able to make his own decisions. The emptiness he feels is not his fault, but he is still able to look at his feeling and, using what he knows, choose where to go from there. He may be a victim, but he’s still a villain, and a rather self-aware and content one. He wants to destroy everything, he knows why he wants to destroy it, and that is more than enough for him.

‘Shigaraki actively wants to heal and do better.’ Perhaps deep down what he wants is something softer, to find people to care about, to feel peace and happiness. Perhaps he wants to get rid of the emptiness, to ‘feel good’ again. But perhaps not. If he does care, it’s not like he’s putting any stock in that desire. As the adult he is now, he’s content with being cruel. He’s shown no remorse, and no desire for healing or redemption. Every living thing bothers him, so why not destroy it? It’s not like he cares about the consequences.

WHAT IS UNCERTAIN:

How much of his childhood memory is accurate? From right when I first read the chapter something seemed really off, and the many many meta (too many for me to link all of them) about this seem to agree; the facts don’t all add up, and there’s more going on in his past than even Shigaraki himself may be aware.

On that note: we don’t know if he cares about whether his memory is tampered with, or whether he is even actually ignorant about the fact. Shigaraki is content in his hatred, and truly believes he is right to do so; why should he care if it was intentionally created by his Sensei? Perhaps learning the truth would ruin Shigaraki, putting him at odds with AfO and maybe even redirecting his anger towards the one who raised him. Or maybe learning the truth would be a non-issue, because he believes the conclusions he’d drawn are still true even if they were caused by manipulation. It could even be that Shigaraki already suspects it was altered in some and simply doesn’t care. At this point it’s too early to tell.

What was his family like before AfO found him? Some people believe he was abused by his birth family, others that he had very loving and kind family (and perhaps was forced to torture or kill them). Shigaraki himself said that he has only fragments of memory from when he was young, that he so there’s no way of knowing. We also can’t truly know if he would feel any differently now if he found out one or the other to be true.

When did Kurogiri come into his life, and how complicit was he in Shigaraki’s abuse and manipulation? While clearly not a ‘father/mother figure’ like fanon likes to portray him, we still don’t know when he joined, what type of relationship they had, and how much interaction they had before planning the attack on USJ. To be honest, we don’t know much of *anything* about Shigaraki’s life with AfO.

How did AfO treat Shigaraki long term after taking him in? Was it with a false nurturing persona, to make Shigaraki dependent on him? Did he constantly put Tomura into dangerous situations to make him prove himself and grow, much like what he’s putting Shigaraki through even now that he’s in jail? Did Shigaraki have any outside contact with the world beside AfO, the Doctor, and potential Kurogiri/other minions as well?

Where exactly does Shigaraki’s rage come from? While he clearly believes it’s towards the world, and hates pretty much everything, it’s hard to say where exactly it originate from aside from general trauma. Is it truly towards society and the people in it, like he says? And if it is, *why* does he hate them so much? Perhaps it’s hatred towards a world he doesn’t deserve and can never be a part of. Or hatred towards himself, spreading out past his own self and infecting the rest of the world so that he hates all living things. Maybe it’s even hatred towards AfO, who never let him heal all so that he could become a weapon. Still, it could be from a genuine hatred for society that failed to save, manipulated by AfO until he couldn’t feel anything beyond it. Personally, I think it’s a mix of many of those things, all combining into a mess he’s not sure how to explain but has nonetheless come to terms with and accepted. Either way, as with many of the other things here, it’s too soon to tell.

How does he truly feels about his companions? Does he genuinely care about them? Tolerate and respect them, but only on a professional level? Or does his hollow hatred extend to them as well, and he treats them with respect in order to maintain their respect? Clearly he values them in some way, but how can we know if its more than instrumental value? I’d personally say one of the first two is most likely, but there’s still no actual way of knowing.

How does he truly feel about himself? If he content with who he is, or just grudgingly accept it because he knows no alternative? Is his hatred of the world simply hatred of himself directed outwards? Or does he truly care for himself, and want to destroy for more direct reasons?

How exactly does his quirk work? Whenever he decays someone it still leaves blood behind, so does it not work on liquids? Or, since him decaying a piece of clothing does not automatically spread to the person under it, does it only work on one type of substance at a time and blood is considered different enough from the rest of the body to not be affected? In USJ he managed to decay Aizawa’s elbow before his quirk stopped. With Overhaul he cut off his arm to prevent his quirk from spreading across his whole body. So did perhaps Erasure save Aizawa’s life because Decay’s progression was reliant of Shigaraki’s continued quirk factor even after the fact of it being activated? Or was Shigaraki bluffing with Overhaul, to be more cruel? Has he learned to control his quirk with more finesse over time? Or was it something planned by AfO, just another thing to change him from Tenko to Tomura? Is his quirk even his own?

So in the end, who is Shigaraki Tomura? I don’t know, but I hope we’re going to learn more.

#shigaraki tomura #tomura shigaraki #bnha meta #((is this meta???? idk man. its something???))#not to b controversial but yeah #because things like 'knowing' can b hot topic debate around here in fandom #so hopefully what i consider 'clearly obvious/canon' is stuff others agree count as that #long post #mine

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downspiral · 4 years

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* / BPD ( borderline personality damon )

lil talk about damon’s behaviour, emotional patterns and mental health! i’m categorising this as a headcanon for simplicity’s sake but this is all based on canon material, whether unintentional or not i do genuinely think he has it in canon and will sort of be elaborating on why that’s clear to me. as a disclaimer none of this is meant to excuse any of his behaviour and hopefully it won’t come off that way either, but bpd and its associated stigma is a personal topic to me, so please go in with sympathy and an open mind. under the cut bc this could get lengthy!

so to start off with i’ll just briefly explain borderline personality disorder (BPD) for people unfamiliar with it— it’s a mood disorder that has many associated symptoms with various mental illnesses like depression, anxiety and bipolar disorder, as well as substance issues, eating disorders and other personality disorders eg. antisocial or narcissistic personality disorder. it’s classed by four groups of symptoms:

emotional instability

disturbed patterns of thinking or perception

impulsive behaviour

intense but unstable relationships with others

( obviously this definition is too broad for any specific diagnosis, since everyone is different, and can’t be used alone to diagnose someone without ruling out other disorders and subjective opinion of a professional who knows enough about your behaviours to make an assessment, so from here on out i’m going to be drawing on my own experiences, and hopefully i’ll be able to articulate it in a way that makes sense, but please let me know if it doesn’t. )

***

the first and most glaringly obvious identifiers of this where damon is concerned in my opinion is a), his tendency to spiral very suddenly and abruptly after even minor triggers, such as failure, rejection or even just feeling insulted by someone he cares about, and b) his frequent impulsive behaviour, and what might be termed a lack of self-control in following those impulses - the first examples that come to mind would be his leaving for a road trip with katherine despite hating her, or killing jeremy because he was the first person he saw after feeling rejected by elena - and as he later admitted honestly, not knowing that it wouldn’t be permanent.

so starting with a), his irrational spiralling — i’ll preface this by saying that in my own experience, my initial diagnosis where my therapist suggested BPD as a possibility was immediately after i told her that i felt my emotions were just more severe than most people’s, which is why i always felt i was overreacting to things, both bad and good, alternating with feelings of extreme numbness and dissociation which would follow immediately after as a coping method. bouncing between extremes of emotion is also something we see damon do constantly; not regarding the humanity switch detail and focusing solely on his ‘humanity-on’ behaviour, we still see him go between extremely cold, numb and uncaring (albeit often this is hidden behind deflection and humor) to deeply hurt, loving, and willing to make huge sacrifices for causes or for people.

this is also a little muddled by the in-world lore of vampires having very heightened emotions. if you consider that damon already had BPD while a human, which is highly plausible given what we see of the decisions he made even then, then it follows that as a vampire those already-dysfunctional behaviours would be driven to extremes. this isn’t only obvious to the person watching; other characters comment on it constantly, e.g. almost any time katherine shows up, everyone immediately starts worrying if damon’s going to snap, having learned that the tiniest of things can send him into extreme behaviour, harmful to both himself - picking a fight with julian out in the open, described as having a death wish, and various suicide missions - and other people - e.g. attempting to kill jeremy and bonnie, despite it being abundantly clear that those two murders would make everything worse for him, and logically, make no sense, and serve no benefit to him. they were not thought-out decisions, not premeditated, and not something he would do in a sound state of mind, which is part of why they’re so painful to watch - they’re stupid, unjustified decisions, and seem irrational and disproportionate to whatever triggered him to make them. this also falls into the category of ‘lashing out’, something damon is frequently noted to do - often in the form of destroying or severing relationships, which may be done via simple purposeful negative interaction with someone, or doing more, genuine harm so that those relationships are ended regardless.

this ties in both with the impulsive behaviour aspect, but also a comment elena once made which struck a huge chord with me as an identifier of BPD - she said he felt that everyone hated him, and in an attempt to face those perceptions or correct them as someone of sound mind would do, he instead tries to come to terms with the pain of that by making himself believe that they were right - ‘proving’ both to others and to himself that they were right to hate him, via doing bad things. while this particular incident was partially due to enzo’s influence and damon seeking approval from the only person he felt he could still get it from, he still had the agency to make that decision, and this wasn’t the only time where that behavioural pattern could be observed.

the depth to which those thought processes go can sort of be seen when you consider season 8, where enzo and damon were both under the mind control of a siren, leaving only their subconscious with free will to resist. enzo’s instinct was to try and weave messages into the things that the siren had him do, knowing that bonnie would recognise them and be able to save him from doing more harm. on the other hand, damon’s instinct was to sever those relationships so completely that none of them would ever attempt to save him again, thus keeping them, in his eyes, out of harm’s way.

i don’t wanna make this so long it’s unreadable so i’ll try and end it with this last point, which is that another symptom of BPD is latching on to one particular person - whoever might feel most significant to them at the time, whether a friend or romantic interest, though often those feelings can combine and become confused when that emotional connection is made (most obvious example being elena, who damon had a relatively good and stable friendship with, that seemingly functioned fine as it was, yet progressed into romance anyway and became destructive). when that said person is found, the intensity of your emotion leads to a usually unhealthy amount of attachment on your part - often leading to possessive, manipulative or even emotionally abusive elements of relationships that more often than not become toxic. this person becomes the sole way that you feel validation/love/approval/happiness, any good emotion at all - in a way, your brain compensates for previous and more significant traumas, e.g. parental abuse/neglect, by channelling all this emotion into the nearest outlet of love and acceptance you can find. as a result even the tiniest fraction of attention or approval from that person can completely brighten your mental state for weeks, while the tiniest perception of disapproval or neglect from them - note perception, this could be something as miniscule as a misunderstanding, a tone being read wrong in a text, a genuine mistake being interpreted as a deliberate attempt to separate - can be enough to drive you to suicidal ideation.

obviously, whether it’s known to them or not, all this puts an unrealistic amount of expectation on the other person - one individual cannot possibly be responsible for the entire mental state of another, and will often - quite rightly - lead to the decision to end the relationship out of self-preservation. this is observed very frequently with damon’s close relationships; at some point, most of the people he’s been closest to have, with some degree of regret, been forced to write him off, because he puts too much strain on their own mental state. without significant effort to change on the part of the disordered person, sadly, this situation doesn’t usually have a resolution, because one’s own mental health is never the sole responsibility of others. it’s worth saying that most of these behaviours are done unintentionally and instinctively, as what seems the first logical conclusion in a brain that has been wired - physically, neurons and pathways in the brain have been grown by trauma that leads to those paths becoming the ‘right’ ones, rather than the healthy alternatives, which is usually what therapy’s end goal is - minimising the disordered pathways while reinforcing the positive ones, via practice of healthy behaviours and identifying bad thought processes so they can be stopped with the hope that those ones will take priority eventually. that being said, decisions that are motivated by and followed by, self-hatred, doesn’t excuse them from the harm they may cause other people. and it’s not fair - none of it is, because immediately what that situation seems to become is, ‘i didn’t ask to be this way, i don’t want to be harmful, but because i have been traumatised this is how i turned out, and now if i want healthy and good relationships, i have to work twice as hard against all my natural instincts just to ensure i come off as a person worth caring about’.

this is getting a little off-topic, but to say - there is a stigma about BPD, often associated with emotional abuse and manipulation, and it’s too complex a topic to sum up in one paragraph, but the gist of it is that sadly in my experience there is truth to it. i feel as though my disorder increases the likelihood of me being harmful, which means i have to work twice as hard to stop it - things that seem like common sense, basic decency, human logic that comes naturally and as first instinct to many, have to be actively strived for by people with this particular disorder. so while failing to do so may happen more for those people, and thus lead to them coming off as a worse person, there is some explanation as to why - and of course that doesn’t mean excusing that behaviour, never! but, there is a grey area between ‘excusing and enabling unhealthy behaviour’ and ‘your disability grants you no leeway whatsoever’. there is a middle ground and it’s hard to find the right place to walk it, and probably differs for everyone, but for me that’s why damon is relatable, and why i think i have more tolerance for things that he’s done.

i’ll just end this by saying that this is all one person’s experience of bpd and what i’ve observed from a few others i’ve known. i don’t speak for everyone with bpd, it’s not my call to make, mental disorder is overwhelmingly complex and hotly debated even in medical circles. but all that being said, i have recognised a lot of my own emotional experiences in damon’s and how the characters around him react to it (without the murder, obviously) and to me it is slightly more complex than ‘this is a shitty person’. thank you for reading all this if you did, it’s kind of hard to talk about, but hopefully for some this adds a little more insight into my portrayal and attachment to the character.

#I WAS. WORKING ON REPLIES I HAVE A FEW HALF DONE BUT thinking abt therapy got me thinking abt this so. i'm dumping this out first #apologies. but *points at him* he's got bpd #you've ruined a perfectly good vampire is what you did look at him hes g #sorry. anyway #HEADCANON.#CHARADEV.#i'm saying headcanon but this is literally his canon portrayal and as a person with bpd i'm diagnosing him so there. periodt #right. adding this tag after i just finished writing this thing. sorry it got long and now i'm emo shun al so i'm gonna go do replies #watch no one read this. it's fine

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livsoulsecrets · 5 years

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Nicotino College AU - Chapter 28: I wanna be with you

Masterpost

Previous Chapter

Summary: Niccòlo attends the music school and is friends with Filippo, who started helping at the photography course after getting famous for his lgbtq+ activism as a photographer and youtuber. Marti is studying journalism in the same university and is convinced by Filippo to attend the photography course mister Boccia and Filippo himself are offering. Marti turns out to be terrible at it and needs Nico’s help to make a perfect final project to get approved.

June 25th

📱-> Gio

📱-> Marti

18:58

Marti’s hands were shaking a bit when he opened the door to let Nico in. The boy had his head down and he didn’t say a word while passing by Marti and stopping in the middle of his living room.

— Hey. — Niccòlo said, his voice only a whisper. He looked like hell, if Marti were to be honest. He had bags under his eyes, his hair was a mess and Martino could see his hands fidgeting.

— So, what did you want to talk to me about? — Martino crosses his arms and sits down at the couch, Nico sitting across from him at the armchair.

— First, I want to say I’m sorry for disappearing for those last days. It was a really shitty thing to do and you didn’t deserve it. — Nico’s voice breaks a bit and Marti hates the way his heart shatters over it. He doesn’t like seeing Nico like this, even if he is still angry at the boy for ignoring him. — And, well, I guess I just came here because I- I thought a lot. I spent all this time trying to figure out what I should do next and I know that the right thing is to be honest with you.

— Look, you don’t have to keep going around in circles. You want to break up with me? Great, just say it and leave. — Nico’s eyes went wide and Marti found himself exhausted from all this situation.

He thought being ignored by Nico was enough of a heartbreak, but having him right in front of him about to end everything they had just started building was a thousand times worse.

— What? What are you talking about? — Nico asks and the fact he is actually pretending not to know what it’s going to happen hurts Marti even more. — I didn’t come here to break up with you, Marti, of course not.

Marti didn’t know what to make of Nico’s words, so he just sat back at the couch and looked at him, signaling for Nico to keep talking. Marti didn’t have the strength to do anything else.

— I came here to… To tell you something that is really hard for me to talk about. But you deserve to know, it is not fair to keep you in the dark. — Nico took a deep breath, as if what he was about to say would take everything he had.

Marti was more confused than ever, almost sitting at edge of the couch, too worried about him for somebody who should be furious. He was angry, yes, but seeing Nico so destroyed did things to Marti’s heart, that broke over and over again as he waited for Niccòlo to keep talking.

— After you told me about your mom’s depression and how hard it was for you to grow up with a mom who struggled so much, I- I panicked. I couldn’t stop thinking about how much you suffered and I freaked out.

— But why? You have nothing to do with this. It doesn’t even make sense, Niccòlo! — Nico swallows nervously and his hand goes through his hair automatically while Marti does his best not to raise his voice.

— Look, I know it’s a lot to ask, but you need to hear me out first, okay? I will answer whatever you want to ask me later, but if I don’t get this out at once, I’m not sure I’ll do it at all. — Marti nods despite his confusion and Nico continues. — So, knowing that you had suffered for loving someone who had a mental illness messed me up. Because… I have one too.

Marti remembers the time he was nine years old, swimming in the beach, feeling lighter than ever and so happy that he forgot his mom’s words about how he shouldn’t let the sea take him too far away from the edge of the beach. The waves became too strong and Martino sunk. He tried with every fiber of his little body to fight against them, to come out of the water, but it was useless, even while he heard his parents screaming in the background, he felt powerless, incapable of moving. Of breathing.

Then, the lifeguard finally got to him and pulled him out of the water, allowing Marti’s lungs to get filled with air again. He knew he only spent some seconds drowned, but it felt like an eternity.

That is exactly what he felt when those words came out of Nico’s mouth. Weirdly enough, everything fell into place somehow. Nico’s moods swings, his ability at pretending to be fine when everything was crumbling down, the afternoon they spent cuddled up in the couch because Nico didn’t have the strength to do anything else, his odd reaction to hear about Anna’s depression.

— Do you… I mean, do you have depression like my mom? — Marti tries to ground himself, to make sense of what Nico is trying to tell him.

— No, I don’t. — Nico said, he looked at the ceiling for a moment before facing Marti again, not staring him in the eye even then. — I have a personality disorder that is called BPD. Borderline Personality Disorder to be more exact. — Marti searched through his brain anything that he knew about it, but all he heard had come from the internet or his mom’s words about the group therapy she went to. — It affects people differently, but, basically, having BPD means that your mood changes a lot very fast. Like… That day during the photoshoot when I felt bad for no reason. — Marti nods, meaning he remembers and that Nico should keep speaking. He does, not before stealing a glance from Marti, who feels his heart breaking by the fear that is reflected in Ni’s eyes. He looks so fragile, sitting on the couch with his shoulders down, none of his usual easiness present. — What also happens a lot is that you have this feeling of… I don’t know, it is hard to explain, but I guess you could say I feel empty sometimes. The disease also makes you terrified of being abandoned. This can lead to impulsiveness or… Well, some people do hurt themselves. — Marti’s eyes snap at Nico when hearing that. — That was not my case. — He says and Marti relaxs a bit. — But it does happen, so I figure I should let you in so you wouldn’t assume anything.

Nico’s voice is almost breaking by the end of the sentence, but he shows no signals that he wants to stop talking, so Marti fights the urge to go to him and take Nico into his arms. It is clear Niccòlo wants Martino to know everything, so he won’t interrupt him.

— I guess that I’m just trying to explain to you how BPD affects me so you don’t think I just left because I wanted. I had too much going on and I felt like I had to get away from everything. I acted on impulse and you got hurt because of it. For that, I’m really sorry. During this time, I kept telling myself the right thing to do is breaking up with you. That you had your share of suffering for others’ struggles, that I couldn’t make you deal with me. — Marti’s breath gets stuck at his throat while he wonders if that is what Nico came here to do. — Then, I realized it wouldn’t be fair to let you think what we had wasn’t real. That would just be cruel and selfish. More than anything, I would be taking your choice away and I can’t have that, not when you have always given me all the choices in the world. But, look, I have no expectations here, I understand if you think this is not going to work. I won’t blame you if you can’t forgive me or if you just don’t want us anymore, I’m serious… — Nico trails off when Marti gets up, walking to him.

Martino kneels in front of Nico, taking his hands into his, kissing each of them. He shivers at the touch, feeling like the world is finally back at its place now that he gets to touch Nico.

— I know you wouldn’t. That is just how you are. You give your whole heart without expecting anything in return. Now that you told me all of this, I think it is because you don’t believe you deserve anything back. That couldn’t be further from the truth. — Nico’s eyes pierce Martino, still beautiful despite the tears they hold. — You deserve a whole heart back, Ni. Let me show you that. — Marti orbitates to Nico almost without taking notice of it. He thinks back to the day they formally met in that cafe. He remembers the day they kissed, when he thought to himself how his heart seemed to know something his mind didn’t yet. He was right. Every tiny moment they shared led them to the here and now.

— What are you trying to say, Marti? — Nico whispers, his forehead resting against Marti’s, reminding the two of them where they belonged.

— What I’m trying to say is that I wanna be with you. Don’t you wanna be with me? — Marti whispered back.

— It is not that easy. — Nico answers, even if he seems to be fighting with himself when he blurts out the words.

— It isn’t. — Marti agrees. — But it can be. Just right now. Just this minute, it can. We can deal with the hard parts in the next minute. Can you do that? — Martino offers, feeling like his chest is wide open in front of Nico while he waits patiently for an answer.

— Yes. I can do that. — A smile starts forming in Nico’s mouth and Marti’s heart seems to be glued back together, all the broken parts finding their way again.

— Good. — Marti complies.

— Good. — Ni repeated. — I wanna be with you, Marti.

That is what pushes Martino over the edge. He moves to kiss Nico and the boy meets him halfway. Marti can feel his cheeks turning read while his heart beats faster than ever while Nico holds his face delicately. Marti rests his hands on Nico’s neck, finally getting to touch his curls. They fall back into their own little rhythm as if they never stopped. As if their bodies belong together just as much as their souls. Even when they pull away, when the kiss dies down, Marti still feels like he is in heaven. Better: like he is home.

Next Chapter

#skam italia #nicotino #martino rametta #niccòlo fares #nicotinocollegeau #nicotino college au #nicotino fic #nicotino au #au #my fics #skam italia au #skam italia fic #giovanni garau #gioeva #eva brighi

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curlyjoe7 · 5 years

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Forming Your Own Opinions.

First off - major trigger warning for rape, manipulation and abuse. Second off - this is an adult conversation, between adults and only adults. I don’t want any arguments just informed debate. If you don’t know the situation then don’t speak. If you don’t like my opinion, agree to disagree, unfollow or block and move on. Everyone has the right to express their thoughts, all arguing will result in being blocked. Third off - I know this is old and no one wants to hear about it anymore but I just formed an opinion on it which I want to talk about. Sorry if hearing about it bothers you.

For the longest time and still even so now I have had the mentality: go with the popular opinion or just be quiet and you will be liked. Which is very toxic. I am obsessed with being liked, being plastic and letting others control my thoughts. I’m trying to get away from that though and this is my first step. Stating a controversial opinion. A big one. Very big. It’s hard for me, the whole thing has thrown me into a few severe anxiety attacks but I have to do this to get better or I never will. I’m super nervous and I’m ready to be hated or as ready as I possibly can be whilst simultaneously freaking out. So what’s my opinion? That Melanie Martinez is innocent. Just hear me out. Here’s why I think she’s innocent:

I was a big Melanie fan at the time of the rape accusations. At first when I heard it I thought “wow this is terrible, she’s a rapist” and cancelled her. It was really hard but I knew it was the best thing to do. After all it’s better to side with a potential victim than a potential rapist, right? I also knew nothing about the backstory so I had nothing to work off of but the word of someone I didn’t know existed and the statement “she never said no to what we chose to do together.” I as many thought that was a dumb excuse, just because someone doesn’t say no doesn’t mean it means yes. But like I said, I had no backstory so I moved on and unfanned Melanie, as hard as it was for me. Randomly I thought of it again, in the past week, and wondered if there was anything else about it. Looked it up and well... there’s a ton. I want to make a disclaimer that when looking at all the evidence, I took into consideration both sides. I was completely unbiased in this despite my past love of Melanie. Rape is a serious issue and should be treated like that not just excused because you like the person who is accused of it. Though with what I was learning, Timothy’s story seemed fishy with some holes. So I did more digging. First let’s get the story clear of what supposedly happened:

And that’s it basically. That’s the story, coming straight from her Twitter. Pretty horrifying, manipulating and wrong. Makes you feel bad for Timothy. But it doesn’t end there. After she released that statement Melanie released her own:

Many people thought it was her admitting to it and claiming it wasn’t rape because she let it happen. Which had us thinking she was guilty as sin. Until Timothy started releasing more information. Apparently that same day they went to a thrift shop and picked up a game that included a blindfold, handcuffs, and a dice that said things like “lick leg.” Which she never mentioned at all before. Originally Timothy said that Melanie bought it but then later said she herself did. Which is odd since she stated she has been abused before and sexual stuff made her uncomfortable. But whatever she said she thought it would be funny. Now here’s where it gets weird, she never mentioned the game before, right?Maybe she forgot? Sure that’s reasonable. They played the game on June 25th 2015 according to Timothy in an interview:

At Melanie’s house. Melanie’s house is in LA. This is important because with further information, she was in New York performing on stage that day. She even made an Instagram post about it:

And fans have pictures of her on stage. You notice how her hair is blonde and black in this pic? Well to support her cause Timothy posted a picture of Melanie the night it happened:

Her hair is a different color. And on her phone it shows up as May 6th, 2015. She claims it’s because her iCloud is messed up and that pictures of her recently showed up at being in 2011:

I went to Melanie’s Instagram to see her hair color May 6th, 2015 and just look:

On May 2nd her hair was that color in the picture. It’s actually really easy to change dates on your iCloud too. That’s... odd. But there’s even more, I believe she said they stopped being freinds after that but I know she said they stopped being friends in 2016, yet in 2017 she said this:

Okay. Change it once, maybe you forgot but if she changed it twice and still got it wrong? Suspicious. She actually has changed a lot of the story, multiple times. She said originally she didn’t want to go to the cops because she was afraid they wouldn’t believe her then said on her Instagram Live that yeah it’s bad but not murder so she doesn’t deserve to go to jail. So which is true? I mean it doesn’t matter her reason, it’s her decision but why is the reason changing? In Timothy’s original statement she mentioned some of Melanie’s fans became her fans but their loyalty never strayed from Melanie. That’s... irrelevant. But is it actually? Melanie was supposed to release a new album one month later. Which didn’t end up happening and when you went to Timothy’s Twitter at the time she had a pinned tweet for her song. Kinda weird but okay, it was probably there before. But why mention the loyalty of her fans never straying from her? Like I said, it’s irrelevant to the topic but not to her potential motives. They started their careers at the same time and Melanie was more popular too. And apparently started focusing on her music more than her friends so both of these might be the reason why. Seems reasonable. Now of course I wanted to check the stuff on Melanie’s side too but all I found was the original statement and this one:

Which in my opinion does clear up the “she never said no” thing. I think what she was trying to say is, Timothy didn’t say no multiple times like she said she did and that Melanie would never have sex with someone without their complete confirmation. Maybe even she meant she didn’t say no to the game they played. Though it could mean: “She never said no, I didn’t act on when she did say no but pressured her to give in.” And what Melanie says in this statement: “I trusted so many people in my life who took advantage of that trust for their own personal gain” supports the fact Timothy did it for fame. She also mentioned that in her song she released on Spotify called Piggyback that goes:

Trusted too many people while I was still young

Gave them the benefit of the doubt, I was so wrong

I cut them off and they came for blood cause they know

They ain’t getting no more

I’m so done playing piggyback

Swear to god I wished y’all all the best

You’re lying your way to try to gain a piece of me

When you could never come close cause I know my destiny

I worked hard for my shit

Put my love in this shit

Now you’re trying to kill my name for some fame

What is this?

Tried to help you do your shit

Encouraged you to work on it

Was a good friend and you used that to your advantage

Timothy did mention when Melanie blew up that she didn’t have time anymore for her and that she wanted to focus on her fans and music. So it does make sense that she did this for attention, to hurt Melanie. Even so the way Melanie worded her statement originally, doesn’t help her cause. Just made her look worse. The second statement however does clear it up in my opinion. With all the evidence and what Melanie said, it’s 1 point she’s guilty to multiple that she’s innocent. Even if you don’t like her you can’t deny that. There may be more points towards her being guilty as well, I’m not sure but this is all I could find, though there is just too many points towards her being innocent. In reality though none of this is fact, it’s just evidence and even evidence can be fake or twisted sometimes. Here’s a few more things about Timothy though and this story:

She says she doesn’t want to talk about it anymore but yet is willing to keep bringing it up. She dressed up as Melanie in 2016, a year after the rape, why would you put yourself through so much pain and do that? Idk just seems like it would hurt you more but she did love her so maybe that’s why: she was trying to deny the truth because of how much she loved her. She also suffers from BPD (Boarderline Personality Disorder) which I hate to bring up, just because she has a mental illness doesn’t mean she would do something fucked up. Just because anyone has a mental illness doesn’t mean it’s the reason for everything. Mental illness doesn’t equal bad morals but it can lead you to do bad things. Trust me I know, I have depression, anxiety and OCD. My OCD causes me to try to avoid particular things which I don’t always do in a nice way. I hurt people because I don’t want to deal with something related to it. This could be the same situation. The symptoms of BPD do explain why she would do this to hurt Melanie. For example some of the symptoms for BPD are pervasive instability in moods, distaste of one’s self image, insecurity and problems with interpersonal relationships. It seems logical with that info why she would do it if she is lying. Not to mention Timothy has claimed abuse on past bandmates of her old band Dresses where she only stayed cause they needed her voice. She has the history to make claims, I have no idea if it’s true though. She also allegedly molested a 16 year old girl. Also unsure if that’s true but if she did that she might have based the story on what she did since the story is quite similar. Regardless, here’s my complete opinion on the matter:

Timothy made it up for attention because she was jealous Melanie was focusing on her music not her and that she wasn’t as popular, probably a lot being because of her BPD. She knew a story like this would get attention and people would believe with the rising amount of sexual assault victims coming forward. So she posted it and then remembered she knew she had that picture of the game so she started basing it around that, picking a random date and saying it happened at Melanie’s house cause they are in her house in the pic, not knowing what Melanie actually did that day. However though she forgot the picture was dated and tried to blow it off as her iCloud being messed up which she supported by changing the date on recent pictures to awhile ago. And also she can’t remember parts of her story so she makes up new stuff and changes stuff a lot. Then she goes on to social media shading her and posting things about how hard it is to get empathy. Stuff like the picture on her IG story which is her crying (it just looks like she put in eyedrops to me) I would post but I hit the picture limit. She even contacted her friends to get in on it to make it look legit. She hasn’t gone to the cops because she knows they will find it bs and she’ll be revealed as lying. Most juries which are meant to be unbiased would side with Melanie because of the evidence so if it is false that explains why she hasn’t gone to the cops. And if it is real, honey if you don’t remember a part just say you don’t remember, it’s not helping your cause.

But that’s just my opinion, everyone has their own. There is probably even more to this that I don’t know but I shared everything I do. Though regardless let’s remember no side has concrete proof. To me everyone is innocent until proven guilty. You can’t really call her a good or a bad person and say it’s fact because you don’t know the truth. You can however support her by forming an opinion based on your own view of the situation. That doesn’t make you a bad person or someone who is defending rape. And to everyone who believes it: don’t get on the people who think it’s bullshit. You can’t deny there is a lot of holes in the story. And it doesn’t make you look better or woke nor is it siding with a potential rapist, it’s siding with evidence and your opinion. Evidence is better to side with than a potential victim just because they are a potential victim. Some people make stuff up. Even horrible things like that. Also don’t side with Melanie just because you like her, actually do some research and use your brain not your heart. It makes you a horrible person to just support her because “she’s my idol and a true fan would support her even if she’s a rapist!!!” That’s so fucked up. It truly makes me sick to hear delusional stans saying that. People like you are making the situation worse and contributing to rape culture. Delusional stans are also saying if you didn’t believe Melanie from the beginning on this situation you’re not a real fan. Which is not true at all. We are real fans, we just wanted to not instantly believe she didn’t do it because we like her. We wanted to figure out how we see the situation by looking at the evidence before jumping to conclusions. That makes us logical. On a similar note us questioning the situation and trying to find more information on it to form an opinion is also being logical. Not invalidating a potential rape victim. But rather doing the right thing and giving both parties the right to a fair trial. And if any of you are going to say: “why hasn’t Melanie done more about it then?” Would you want to talk about something like this? Something that damaged your career immensely? No, you wouldn’t. If it’s real, I’m sorry Timothy that this happened to you and Melanie deserves consequences. But if it is false, I’m sorry you have to deal with this Melanie and Timothy deserves consequences. Form your own opinion and please be respectful. I’m going to go back to supporting Melanie because I genuinely believe that she didn’t do it. That’s my decision, make your own. And don’t get on Melanie or Timothy, no cyber bullying them. Like I said you don’t know the truth nor do I, only they do. Even if you did being mean gets you nowhere. Now let’s just let this go and move forward from it.

#melanie martinez #timothy heller #i want to say as well i told both my mom and bf about this #i told the whole story and they both think something is up with timothy’s story #they don’t care nor really know about either of them #so their opinion is as unbiased as it can get #and they both think she’s lying #take that as you will #also i want to say i feel so free posting this #like i cut those chains holding me down to perfection #holding me back #not letting me be me #i’m so proud of myself for doing this #it’s a big step towards getting better

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evartandadam · 6 years

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HEY, so I have a big question! But firstly, wanted to say I am glad I found your blog! I have been wondering lately: Obviously all the Akatsuki members have suffered some type of mental trauma from their pasts, so would you consider any of them as actual sociopaths-- not necessarily psychopaths? I ask because I have heard psychopaths are genetically determined but sociopaths are shaped by circumstance over time and are still slightly capable of having true moral and feelings. What do you think?

Okkkkk so you’re talking about the clinical definitions for ‘sociopath’ and ‘psychopath’ here. The problem is that no one can actually agree on these definitions. I have read soooo many articles on sociopaths vs psychopaths, and there are so many different opinions. Now, obviously there are two separate terms, so there must be differences.

I will answer this question according to the definition you listed, and I will then answer it with my own definition.

The only one who could have possibly been born with it would be Hidan. (Adding Orochimaru cause I forgot him- he was also likely born with an anti personality disorder.) The rest of them were raised to be the way they are. And most of them can still feel a connection with another person. The two who really cannot feel empathy at all are Sasori and Orochimaru.

Now, like I said, I read a lot of definitions for these two terms, and what I gathered from them in bulk is that sociopathy is a spectrum, and a psychopath would essentially be the ultimate sociopath. Sociopaths by some definitions are still capable of connecting with individuals, but never groups. Psychopaths are deemed to be colder, and incapable of making ties of any kind. I think the born vs created argument makes the definitions unnecessarily complicated? Like, what about someone who is born with it but still feels connections? According to these basic definitions, this person doesn’t fit into either term! And this is because these terms are trying to squish too many attributes into one category or the other.

So I’m going to ignore the born vs created aspect of this, because I answered it above and it doesn’t really influence any other attributes.

Here’s a list of Akatsuki from least to most sociopathic/psychopathic:

Itachi

Deidara

Kisame

Konan

Kakuzu

Hidan

Nagato

Sasori

Obito/Madara

Orochimaru

Ok so, the Akatsuki are kind of divided into three groups here: Those who had to give up their compassion to do their job but otherwise still can make connections/Those who gave up on connections a long time ago and are probably difficult to get to/Those who are too far gone- pretty much impossible to make a connection with.

Note that I am rating these not only on their past selves but their current selves. Obviously all of them are kind of sociopathic:

Itachi, Konan, Kisame and Deidara are definitely not psychopaths:

Itachi has issues, but he cares very much for others. He sacrificed his own sanity and name to do what he thought was right for other people. He probably watches the rest of the Akatsuki and hates their actions. But another part of him is dead inside, so nothing gets to him as much anymore. A defense mechanism- indifference/apathy. A symptom of sociopathy.

Deidara is interesting, because of how he kills people. Deidara was deemed a coward by Onoki, his master, for enjoying long-distance fighting. Deidara is obviously no coward, so why doesn’t he enjoy close combat? He seems to enjoy a good fight. It’s probably because he wants to get the job done without having to actually think about the aftermath. Deidara is very extroverted and seems to enjoy people. He is another character who, under different circumstances, would enjoy living a peaceful life as a creator. Iwagakure created what he is. I always sensed he wanted to be more than just a killing machine. I was actually going to put him higher on this list, but disperfection pointed out how Deidara even apologizes to Tobi (someone he can’t stand) before he kills himself, and warns Hidan and Kakuzu about Naruto even though he didn’t have to. He seems kind of… courteous.

Kisame is one of the Akatsuki who really believes in their goal. He wants peace. He dislikes the shinobi lifestyle that he lived in the Mist. He obviously cares for Itachi. I put him above Deidara on this list, because there isn’t much concrete evidence that he is better than Deidara. But I still feel like if Kisame really had the option, he would want to live a peaceful life. Sociopaths also don’t feel loyalty for groups, and Kisame is all about that. Kisame and Konan are pretty much equal on this list.

Konan as far as I can tell just does what Nagato wants. She loves Nagato, and she loved Yahiko. And she genuinely seems to want peace for others. People in Ame called her their angel, and it was likely because she was compassionate towards them. Konan is still a cold-blooded killer, and can distance her emotions to get the job done. But she feels a lot for people collectively. Konan is very similar to Kisame in a lot of ways. While Kisame enjoys bloodshed more, Konan couldn’t care less about killing those who are in the way of her mission.

Nagato, Kakuzu and Hidan are in the middle, all for different reasons:

Kakuzu is just old and jaded. Kakuzu was a very loyal shinobi back in the day, and was stabbed in the back by the people he put his faith in. I feel that young Kakuzu was probably a pretty decent dude. But half a century of bounty hunting for a living will harden a person. Currently, Kakuzu would be very hard to make a connection with, which is why he’s so high on the list.

Hidan is very tricky to place because he could be a hardcore psychopath, but he seems to be capable of some compassion. Out of all the Akatsuki, Hidan is the most likely to have always had violent tendencies. But Hidan still has a moral code and follows a religion. This completely goes against what a sociopath is. Sociopaths believe they are their own gods, essentially. They also have no loyalty. Hidan is the trickiest one to place because he is all over the place. Hidan hase BPD, which explains why it’s so hard to place him on a sociopathic spectrum. Hidan is still filled with emotions, and he has a moral compass, even if it is screwed up.

Nagato is actually a narcissist! I say he’s a narcissist because it perfectly fits into how he is used by Madara/Obito. Narcissists are lower than sociopaths on the food chain, and are usually manipulated by sociopaths. Now, he could be a narcissistic sociopath. But either way, Nagato has no problem killing people to get what he wants. He used to be very compassionate, but definitely lost his way. To willingly call yourself a god and deem yourself worthy of appointing suffering on others in such a ceremonial fashion requires a lot of distance from compassion. Hidan may kill you for his god and think it’s right, but Nagato thinks he IS god, therefore he is right. Nagato’s way of thinking is much more dangerous, due to the combination with his intellect and power. He has a chance to make the world better with his eyes, and instead he uses them to harm the masses. Not good. Still, like I said, Nagato is more of a narcissist than a sociopath, so I will not put him into the following category. Oh yeah, and let’s not forget he thought using his best friend’s corpse was like, a cool idea. *whispers* what the fuuuuuuu-

Sasori Obito/Madara and Orochimaru are classic psychopaths:

Sasori is actually lower on this list than Obito! This is because Sasori doesn’t have a god complex, and mainly keeps to himself. But hey, if you think he belongs higher on the list, that definitely works for me! Sasori is the classic psychopath in a lot of ways. I mean, he’s cold, collecting and could be mistaken for the devil himself! But even Sasori was shown to be a normal, sweet kid until Suna trained him to become what he is. Sasori also kills people and does horrible things with their corpses, but he isn’t big on continuous torture. This could be why he hates Orochimaru so much. Doesn’t like his “style”. But Sasori is a very big sociopath! Wouldn’t want to run into this guy! I have done so many analysis posts on him… here and here!

Obito is a total sociopath, sorry. I don’t think his character really makes sense, but judging by the things he has done and how much he enjoyed them, he is a sociopath! Now, Obito by himself would be way lower on the spectrum. But with Madara’s influence (a total socioapth), Obito rises the ranks! (Obito shouldn’t be capable of doing the things he did if Kishi was actually consistent with his character). Obito kills so many innocent people. He kills Minato, a man who loved him very much. He helps Itachi slaughter the rest of his own clan. He manipulates the Mizukage and apparently gives him a rep of being a tyrant. He even pretends to care about Deidara when he does not. Oh yeah, and he’s cool with killing anyone who gets in his way, including children. This guy has issues! Now, if I were to diagnose him with a mental illness, anti personality disorder is not at the top of the list! But I will still put him this high because he sucks. And he causes sooo much destruction. Master manipulator with a god complex.

Orochimaru is shown to sort of care about one person- Tsunade. This isn’t definite- rather, it’s a headcanon of mine based on little signs here and there- but at times, he is soft when it comes to her. He seemed to have developed his need for immortality from watching her brother and fiance die. He watches her suffer and comes to the conclusion that death= suffering. And it is something he wants to avoid. Meaning he felt her suffering. None of the Akatsuki are complete psychopaths, but Orochimaru is very close to it. He tortures children on a regular basis. Don’t think it gets much worse than that. This guy is the most disturbing out of all of them, and he has competition!

This list can be switched around many ways, so don’t think of any of these placements as concrete!

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dixbolik-lovers · 5 years

Note

i- i showed a friend your drawings of the Girls of Virtue and told her the premise and all what you have told us and she’s now all excited and is always asking me more about them and i just- she’s constantly nagging me and asking me stuff so would you do me (and her) a favor and give us some spice info about the Girls in general as to feed her (our) thirst ¿

!!!!! THANK!!!! :O Please tell her that the both of you can ask me things as often as you want!!! I made this awful excited squeaking noise when I read this, so THANK YOU SO MUCH~!!!

And as for info…. hmm… what kind of things would you like to know? I have a list of cute/interesting facts right here, but I definitely have more!! I guess I’ll make an expanded fact list, and you can send me more questions if there’s anything else you want to know :3

Under a cut because HUGE LIST o3o

Judgement:

-She has a strong sense of drama, and loves being showy. She likes feeling like the star of the show.

-She has traits resembling Bipolar and BPD, for reasons that I can’t explain without spoiling things.

-She lives in a church because she thinks it’s majestic. The building was already there when she arrived in the World of Fog, but she used her powers to shape it to her liking… which is sort of horrifying.

-Her “magic” (basically just telekinesis), is the strongest of the group; strong enough that she’s capable of leveling towns.

-She has two, black tongues in each of her three mouths.

-Each of her mouths speak with its own voice. She controls all of them, but they each sound a bit different. She’s more than capable of having conversations with herself, funnily enough.

-She hides it well, but she has a massive need for attention and love. Demanding fear from people is the only way she knows how to show it.

-She hates abandonment more than anything, and would kill someone before letting them defy her.

-She has quite the god complex.

-She loves order and bossing people around, and is happiest when she has followers obeying her every command. Being looked up to and feared makes her feel powerful and in control.

Jealousy:

-She has a major self hatred problem, to the point where she thinks she’s pathetic and unlovable.

-She’s stolen things from all of the other Girls out of spite, and everyone knows she does it. These things are kept in a small collection in one of the abandoned houses because she can’t bring herself to throw them away.

-She’s the shortest of the Girls, at 4′10.

-She wears fine clothes, and likes to look important. She’ll go out of her way to find and make nice things, even in the World of Fog.

-When she wants to impress someone, she’s a natural flatterer. Jealousy is very good at making people feel good about themselves, even if she only bothers with it when she’s plotting something.

-Her eyes give her 360 vision, and being able to see so much makes her rather paranoid. No one has ever managed to sneak up on her.

-She thinks she’s ugly, mostly because of her small, skinny body.

-She’s very proud of being the second oldest of the Girls, and lords her self-proclaimed superiority over them at every chance she gets.

-Her eyes are very sensitive to bright light, and she’s fond of dark places. Too much light gives her headaches.

-All four of her arms are good at small, delicate work. She’s amazing with fine motor control, and would greatly enjoy sewing and other tiny crafts if she ever got the chance to try them.

-She hates every one of the other girls, and would turn on them in an instant if given the chance.

Selfishness:

-She’s the tallest of the Girls at 5′9.

-She has no volume control when it comes to her voice, and tends to shout when she’s excited or angry.

-She loves heights, and tends to get herself into high places for the fun of it. Power lines and tall buildings are her favorites, but she’ll happily perch anywhere where she can feel above everyone.

-Her claws make her hands clumsy, and she can’t do anything with small details. She breaks most of the things she touches.

-However, she’s very athletic, and her body is coordinated and graceful. Physically, she’s among the strongest of the Girls.

-She’s rather stupid, especially when it comes to thinking ahead.

-She never thinks of how her actions affect other people, and even when she’s not trying to be mean, will wind up hurting others out of ignorance.

-The closest thing to a home she has is what appears to be an abandoned power plant a ways outside the main town. She plays among the wires and towers, and considers the area her personal territory.

-She loves violence, and adores the idea of killing humans, thinking that she’ll be remembered in their world if she hurts enough of them.

-She can’t stand being seen at anything less than perfect.

-She’s dimwitted and self-centered, to the point where she barely remembers the names of the other girls, save Judgement.

-She’s a bit of a sadist, and loves seeing other people squirm.

Cruelty:

-She has an amazing memory, and is excellent at solving problems. She remembers every little detail of the things around her, and puzzles and memorization problems are her speciality.

-She’s very attentive to detail, and is surprisingly intelligent.

-She’s bitten the majority of the other Girls before, which, considering her mouth, is far from a pleasant experience.

-Her mouth stretches up to her ears, and blood drools out of it when she talks. Everything she wears winds up messy with it.

-Her hair is a matted disaster. A brush would probably stick in it.

-Even though she’s one of the smaller Girls, she’s very physically strong. She likes pushing around weaker people, and tends to be very physical. Biting and shoving are even how she’d try to show affection.

-She’s very impulsive, and tends to make stupid, violent decisions without thinking about the consequences first.

-She’s very high-spirited, and filled with wild, intense emotions. Nothing ever brings her down for very long.

-Judgement is the only thing that legitimately terrifies her.

-She has no particular love for herself– or anything else, and all she really cares about is having fun.

-She’s very rough and crude, and the majority of things that come out of her mouth are somehow hateful or offensive.

-Her laugh is remarkably annoying.

Vanity:

-She loves flowers, and is disappointed that none grow in the World of Fog.

-She’s extremely socially awkward, and has absolutely no idea how to talk to people without putting them down.

-Her face appears to be a mask of some kind. She never shows much emotion, and if she smiles or shows too much, it will crack like it’s made of porcelain. The cracks can heal, but no one ever sees her while they’re there.

-Her cheeks are permanently flushed pink, and her lips are a vivid red without any kind of makeup.

-She wears ankle length robes, long sleeves, gloves, and a high collar, as well as having her hair curl in close to her face. No one has ever seen more of her than the face she shows the world.

-The other Girls are convinced that she’s ugly underneath everything.

-She’s a loner who can’t stand putting up with others. Surprisingly, she doesn’t need much attention, and is perfectly happy going off by herself. The attention of others is more likely to annoy her than flatter her.

-She’s not very strong physically, but she’s intelligent and rather agile.

-She’s very demanding, with a strict, stuck-up personality. She practically expects the people around her to serve her, and gets angry when they don’t.

-Her personality is rather lazy, and she hates doing things that don’t actively benefit her in some way.

-She can stare at her own reflection for hours on end.

Hysteria:

-She’s very active and athletic, and never stays still for long. She gets antsy and uncomfortable when she has to sit still for any period of time.

-No one in the Girls of Virtue likes her very well, but Hysteria likes being around them because they pay attention to her. She’s aware that she’s hated, and enjoys every second of it.

-She’s almost always covered in open wounds and other injuries.

-She adores any kind of attention, be it positive or negative. As long as people are looking at her, she’s happy. It doesn’t matter a bit if they hate her or hurt her, as long as every bit of attention is hers and hers alone.

-Her durability and regeneration are exceptional, even on par with Judgement’s. There’s a chance she might be sort of immortal.

-She’s very excitable and intense, and frequently yells and waves her hands around. She’s prone to exaggerated movements and lots of motion.

-She’s not very smart, but her thoughts move quickly… usually in circles.

-She’s very, very willing to make a fool of herself for attention.

-Everything always has to be about her. She can’t stand so much as a conversation where she’s not the center of attention.

-Deep down, she’s highly insecure. Attention is the only thing she has to live for, and she feels close to disappearing when people aren’t looking at her. Being ignored makes her panic.

-She has some dissociation issues, and tends to feel like she’s not real.

Negativity:

-She’s very clumsy and accident-prone, and breaks things frequently. She shouldn’t be trusted alone with anything important.

-She has a habit of biting her nails to the point of blood.

-She holds one-sided, bitter conversations with herself when she’s alone, usually because she feels weird without something to complain about.

-She has a love for order and organization, and is very good at coming up with systems and plans. She likes having things in their proper place, and would enjoy cleaning and organizing; the more complex, the better!

-Her hair is long enough that it tends to get tangled up in things. Many of the other girls also like to pull it.

-Her eyes are brilliant red, and glow in the dark.

-She spits up thorns when she talks, and those thorns are very painful. She almost always has at least some blood around her mouth.

-She’s extremely skinny, and gets cold easily because of it. She tends to carry herself hunched over and huddled in on herself.

-Her entire personality is pessimistic, and she never sees the good in anything. She tries to drag other people down with her because she feels so bad, and hates seeing people have the happiness she can’t.

-One of her talents is making people cry.

Manipulation:

-She has a surprisingly good sense of humor, and when she’s not trying to be mean, she’s rather good at telling jokes.

-She’s extremely eloquent and good with words. Unfortunately, she mostly uses this skill to twist people into doing her bidding.

-Her hair appears to be similar to vines, and it’s prehensile. She can tie people up with locks of it, and often uses this as a way to keep others from getting away from her. She has feeling in her hair as well.

-She has a habit of sticking things in her mouths when she’s bored.

-She loves when people underestimate her, because it makes it easier to get her way in the end.

-She’s a near pathological liar, and will tell lies simply for the sake of misleading someone. It’s difficult for her to tell the truth by now, and she has a terrible time of ever expressing her genuine feelings.

-She’s a little bit afraid of being alone in dark places.

-She needs entertainment at all times, and can’t stand emptiness or boredom.

-She cries for attention frequently, and her tears are made of blood. She loves convincing people to feel sorry for her.

-She’s rather hyperactive, and loves doing things that she sees as fun. She loves new things and new people, and humans especially fascinate her.

Obsession:

-She adores physical contact, but she can’t touch anyone without hurting them. That doesn’t stop her from trying, though, and her objects of affection are likely to wind up rather bloody from her attempts at being loving.

-She’s good with words, but her speech tends to run in confusing circles. Her brain moves faster than her mouth can keep up with.

-She likes tying pretty things into her hair, like fabric and bits of string or glass.

-She has a large hole in her chest, about where her heart should be. It leaks blood constantly, and she often tries to shove objects into it to fill it up. She always has the feeling that something is missing because of it.

-She’s very single-minded, and has trouble focusing on more than one thing at a time. Once she’s zoned in on something, nothing can stop her.

-She gets crushes easily, and loves strongly, but her love fades as soon as she realizes that the person she’s fixated on won’t fill the void inside of her. As quickly as she falls for someone, that love turns to hate.

-When she first came to the World of Fog, she had a crush on Selfishness.

-She’s claimed one of the houses in the main town for herself, and she fills it with stolen things from the other girls, fawning over the little pieces of them that she manages to take for herself.

-Her emotions seem strong, but she’s very hollow inside.

-She has a love-hate relationship with the other girls, where she adores the idea of them, but can’t stand their real selves.

Cowardly:

-She picks at her skin when she’s nervous, to the point of herself with open wounds. She’s scratched down to bone before.

-She’s very sensitive to light and sound, and gets overwhelmed easily. She can’t stand noisy or crowded places, and very nearly shuts down when she’s faced with something she can’t handle.

-Her skin is rough and sharp. At its smoothest, it’s the texture of sandpaper, but there are small, jagged spikes along the rougher parts.

-Her clothes get ruined easily because of her sharp skin, and she never keeps anything for very long.

-She has claws like Selfishness, and hurts anyone that gets close to her.

-She suffers from minor hallucinations, most frequently featuring monsters just outside of her field of vision. She tends to hear things that aren’t there as well, and is generally very paranoid.

-She’s not exactly smart, but she is highly perceptive. She’s good at reading people, and catches onto things quickly.

-She’s very two-faced, and only shows the parts of herself that earn favor.

-She tends to be vengeful, and may be plotting something against the other girls who have harmed her.

-She likes small, dark places, and is often compared to a rat or other vermin because of it. She detests those nicknames viciously.

Avoidance:

-She likes playing with her hair, and often styles it when bored. She’d like to mess with other people’s hair too, but knows that no one would ever allow it.

-She has no eyes. The skin where they should be is smooth and empty, like there were never any eyes there in the first place. She’s completely blind, but somehow gets around without her sight.

-She likes wearing high heels because they make her feel important.

-She’s childish, and surprisingly easy to please. Just listening to her and acting like she’s important makes her happy, and she’ll easily latch onto those that try to get close to her… even if her behavior never really improves.

-Her voice is very shrill, and demands attention from those who hear it.

-She’s the dumbest of the Girls, and simply blocks out anything that she doesn’t want to think of. She’s ignorant and self-centered, and never thinks that she could be wrong about anything.

-She’s very lazy, and hates doing things for anyone but herself.

-She’s a terrible influence on the people around her, and anyone who stays with her for too long starts to act in the same awful ways.

-Her favorite place in the World of Fog is an abandoned playground.

-She’s tall and strong, and uses her strength to bully others into doing what she says… then dumps all the responsibility onto them once she gets bored.

-She tends towards throwing fits and temper tantrums.

Inconsistency:

-She has a self harm problem, and her body is covered with self-inflicted scars and wounds. She barely feels the pain, however.

-She cries a lot, mostly to try to get other people to pity her.

-She loves humans, and finds their world fascinating. The human world is so much more entertaining and exciting than the World of Fog, and she’d live in it in a heartbeat if she ever could.

-Tied with Avoidance, she’s the second tallest of the Girls at 5′8.

-She’s a shapeshifter, but the process of changing herself is painful, slow and bloody. She does it anyway, though, and is always gaining or losing new features when they start to bore her.

-She has no sense of identity, and is always dissatisfied with herself.

-Her emotions are wild and out of control, and she feeds off of the pity and attention of others. She’ll change herself completely if she thinks it will gets someone else to care for her.

-Up until very recently, she copied Judgement’s appearance, wearing red skin and an extra mouth to seem powerful.

-She has a short temper, wild, uncontrollable emotions, and a strong desire to always be surrounded by others.

-She can’t stand being alone, and is empty without people to impress.

-She’s blunt, indelicate, and violent, with hair-trigger temper, and will smack around anyone weaker than her.

Secrecy:

-Her skin is very thin and soft, to the point where you can see the veins under her skin, and she bruises and cuts very easily.

-She loves learning new things, and if she could ever swallow her pride, would greatly appreciate being read to.

-She has three eyes, but all of them are white and blind. She’s about 80% blind, and while she can make out vague shapes and light, she can’t see any colors or detail to the world around her.

-Her mouth is sewn with wire, and she can only barely talk.

-She usually wears a long cape– the darkest part of her outfit. Said cape is big enough for her to hide in, and she frequently does so when she’s alone, blocking out the world outside of it.

-She’s sensible and practical, with a reclusive, introverted personality that clashes horribly with most of the other Girls.

-She’s rather lazy, and doesn’t like to go out of her way to help other people.

-She lacks all forms of empathy, and while she’s capable of sympathy, she never bothers with feeling such soft things for anyone.

-She loses her temper easily. When angry, she’s highly passive aggressive, and tends to be vengeful towards anyone who has wronged her.

-She loves knowing things that the people around her don’t.

-Her magic is the second-strongest of the group, falling behind only Judgement. She uses it as her main form of sensory information, and prefers to move things with her mind, rather than her body.

Beginning:

-She loves sunshine, and hates how dark the World of Fog is.

-She has a rather short temper, but is usually too nervous to express it. When she does get angry, it only lasts for a few minutes before she’s back to normal.

-She’s excellent at comforting people, and is the only one of the Girls who has any idea how to interact with someone without being violent. She’s good at being gentle, and loves helping others.

-Her eyes are brown– a unique color among the Girls. None of the rest have any color on them but black, grey, white, and the occasional red.

-She has something of a stutter, and it gets worse when she’s nervous.

-She tends to apologize too much, and can be a pushover when she’s afraid to upset someone. That said, when she does dig her heels in, she’s terrifyingly stubborn, and will persevere until she gets her way.

-She adapts to change well, and instead of being fearful or resistent, tends to be excited to see what the future has in store for her.

-She can be too naive, and often falls for obvious farces just because she wants to hope someone is good.

-She’s stronger than many of the other Girls, and could keep up with the majority of them, but she’s too gentle and unsure to express it. Many of the others have no idea that she’s just as strong as they are.

-Her voice is soft and rather low-pitched.

#Girls of Virtue #Save tag

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sxmebody-else · 5 years

Text

12/03/18

I never really thought about impulsivity until I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. I never once described myself as an impulsive person. I was constantly overthinking things, weighing the pros and cons of every option in my life- how could I possibly be an impulsive person? I never bought anything too expensive without thinking about it for at least weeks before. I didn’t get any tattoos in a moment of excitement. I told my parents where I was going before I did almost anything. I had always done things that were concerning to some people, namely my parents, friends, and therapists. But none of it I had attributed to an impulsive streak.

When My therapist first brought up impulsivity as a symptom of BPD that he had noticed in me, I didn’t understand what he was talking about. And it started to dawn on me, that maybe someone can be impulsive without necessarily acting impulsively. The more I thought about it the more I started to understand some of my own behaviours. While I wasn’t someone who neglected the possible outcomes of any of my actions, I often proceeded with the riskier option anyway. I know in a sense that this kind of counters the entire definition of impulsivity, because we think of it as the tendency to act without thinking. And if we’re thinking only in this sense, then I guess I am not an impulsive person. But I began to work on a definition of impulsivity that fit to my behaviours. I thought about the dangerous consequences of things, but I neglected them. Or rather, I thought about them and chose them because of the danger associated with them. Knowing the possible consequences does very little to hold me back. If anything, the potential for a dangerous outcome makes it almost more difficult to resist.

There does reach a point though, where I feel like I’m not in control. I think I’m enough of an anxious person that I could never really do anything that dangerous without thinking about it first, even for just a split second. But there becomes a point where I’m not even sure I’ve decided, I can feel part of me saying “no” and part of me saying “why not.” At this point I don’t really have a though process, because I know deep down I will end up doing what I should not be doing. And even though I may not act impulsively in many facets of my life, there is a way that I carry myself that is impulsive in my nature.

I’ve tried to rationalize my decisions many ways over the years. Sometimes I think I’m just trying to live in the moment as much as possible. Why would it make sense to choose the safe option when something more gripping and terrifying is also an option? I think some of it stems from the blatant disregard for my safety that is the result of my depression. The truth is, I can rationalize it any way I want, that one day I will want to look back on the things I did do rather that what I didn’t do. But I don’t think in 60 years I will be all too proud of what I have done as an act of impulse when I could have kept myself safe. Truthfully, I think I am still caught up in the idea that I will not live long enough to regret any of my actions, so the fact that some things I do are quite dangerous have no real impact on whether or not I will proceed with them. I live with the thought that if one of my decisions kills me, then that’s what was meant to happen all along. It’s not even necessarily that I seek out dangerous situations to hurt myself, but if the opportunity arises I rarely ever say no. The fact that I will think about the possible consequences and proceed anyway tells me how little I value my own life. I am not impulsive in the way that I don’t think about things. But, I think there are different ways to define impulsivity. I think you can be impulsive with your life, your safety. I even think some of my forethoughts could be delusional, and in this case do they really count as sound thinking? Is it possible to be impulsive and still care? Are they mutually exclusive? I think it’s impossible to say for sure. Some people find a connection with impulsivity that explains erratic behaviour or harmful decisions. The introduction of impulsivity to my symptoms didn’t clear up very much for me. I hadn’t stumbled upon this type of decision making, it had always been there. I didn’t need an explanation for why I was making these decisions- I knew I was doing it. Is it possible to be aware of your impulsivity? Or does it exclusively have to be something you don’t even recognize about yourself?

-Thal

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poolstorybro-blog · 6 years

Note

✘ Any unpopular opinions about your muse?

MUN’S INTERPRETATION | meme reference.

@swellofpity

I’m going to discuss one in detail and honestly ?? it’s not even an unpopular opinion but more like an unpopular perspective ?? and most people probably couldn’t care less but it’s important to me so I’m going to discuss it. before I continue, however, this is kind of a disclaimer that I’m not some elitist asshole. if you enjoyed the daniel way run of deadpool, that doesn’t make you any less of a fan or anything like that, to each their own. I also want to state that since deadpool has never received a canon diagnosis in regards to his mental health, what I’m writing here is wholly headcanon but, as I said, it’s a perception that’s very important to me and is what makes my portrayal so it’s kind of important for people who like my portrayal I guess ?? BUT ANY WHO, the unpopular perception for sure revolves around deadpool’s mental health. I am aware that a lot of dp rpers / dp fans run with the schizophrenia headcanon which is totally fine !! but for me, I feel deadpool doesn’t fit the diagnosis for that but - hold on, another disclaimer ! I am no mental health expert, no professional, but having done extensive research on symptoms ( and I mean extensive ) of a whole knapsack of mental disorders / illnesses, I personally find he doesn’t match it and with REASONS. I know, we’re going deep with this one.

b t dubs, this is solely based on the comic for a hot minute. we’ll get onto the movie, don’t worry your beautiful head.

I think it’s totally fine for people to represent deadpool in different ways but I find the whole psychosis / schizophrenia kinda thing to be a misconception. minus the “incorrect” part of that word’s definition. this is because, for non-avid deadpool readers, it’s very easy to become confused with the series’ events. allow me to explain. before daniel way’s run - who I personally do not like at all and do not include into my interpretation - aka before 2008 there was the two voices in deadpool’s head and a BACKSTORY to those voices. I know, some people think he just hears voices but, before way, this canonly isn’t true. so in this backstory, deadpool basically goes for a job that involves taking out daredevil. ( also please don’t ask me about how loony this plot is I didn’t write it. ) but yeah, he’s sitting on the edge of a roof, getting ready to shoot daredevil when MADCAP approaches and distracts him. one thing leads to another, and daredevil attacks the two of them, but because of both of their regenerative powers, daredevil is no match. LUCKILY, for whatever the fuck reason, thor happens to be passing and so daredevil asks for thor to bring lightning down on madcap and dp, burning them to ashes ( how fitting. ) madcap jumps into deadpool’s arms just before this. once deadpool regenerates, however, madcap is no where to be seen. it’s later found out that madcap actually ??? regenerated with deadpool and somehow became a second conscience. so the white box you see ?? that’s supposedly madcap’s voice. invasive, right ? now, yada yada yada, eventually, deadpool takes the same job - except this time, luke cage appears. luke ends up hitting deadpool so hard that madcap takes over. after some discomforting dancing from luke and thor ( oh yeah, thor’s back ) deadpool comes up with an idea, and that idea is to get thor and luke - under madcap’s control - to rip dp in half. this happens, and deadpool regenerates, except this time one half is dp and the other half is madcap. they regenerate to their full bodies and madcap leaves - along with the voice in dp’s head. that’s who the white box was. THE YELLOW BOX ?? that’s deadpool’s own running commentary.

but before madcap and deadpool were pulled apart, daniel way’s run took place. now danny boy didn’t run with this backstory. maybe he was too lazy to include madcap WHO KNOWS ( can you taste the salt ? ) but way basically discarded all that stuff that happened and that somewhat made sense ??? and gave deadpool this whole new thing. and that whole new thing was pretty much schizophrenia - or at least the stereotypical, untrue, media portrayal of it which is THE VOICES AND CRAZY VIOLENCE. the white box and the yellow box were both just voices in deadpool’s head. not another separate entity trapped - nope, SUDDENLY he has internal voices that he can hear. might I mention none of the other symptoms of schizophrenia though - and anyone who might argue I’ll just point out that self-diagnosis is not supported because symptoms gloop together. so while someone with schizophrenia might argue about hallucinations, I might argue that someone with bpd can also experience hallucinations. and that’s not me shutting down that mental illness, but it’s just me saying be more open minded - don’t jump on something immediately due to lack of awareness of anything else. that’s another thing, the only hallucinations I can recall deadpool having, he’s been able to distinguish them as such - whereas the whole thing with schizophrenia is that they can’t seem to distinguish reality from what they see. but again, to each their own.

way’s run of deadpool is widely read, but doesn’t follow the previous backstory of deadpool which, granted, is what the deadpool series is notorious for. but the point is, it doesn’t make much sense to me that the voices are there for a reason and then suddenly they’re not, they’re just there to fill way’s damaging line of plots. this is just turning into a roast daniel way post I’m sorry I’ll get back on track. when way’s rain of terror run ends in 2012, there was no answers for a whole year until 2013, where acker and blacker ( I know ) explained the sitch in deadpool annual - which is when the whole tearing apart and regenerating separately thing happens.

OKAY. so now I’ve explained all that, and I hope you’re still with me, I’m going to talk about movie dp. in both dp1 & 2, we don’t witness anything voice / box related. it’s not even hinted at, although we do receive deadpool’s running commentary through slow-mo scenes etc which would link to the yellow box. another thing that comes to mind is the “bad deadpool, good deadpool” quote in the first movie. other than that, nothing springs to mind that suggests voices in his head ( even though that quote is said aloud so really it doesn’t suggest voices but more running, unfiltered dialogue ) and it’s the same with the comics - the only voice being his running commentary and I mean you’re lying if you disagree with me saying we all have that. the only time I’ve seen hallucinations hinted at is when his brain has been impaled with something sharp, so I mean that’s pretty understandable. but my point is, those don’t happen on a regular basis. I’ve seen people hint at the scene where he’s following vanessa in the first movie and how he can hear all the voices and I’m here to tell you that could be so many things. I can tell you that with bpd and anxiety myself, I hear that shit every time I step out the front door. in the movie, it seems to be people actually saying those things to his face, and with ptsd / hypersensitivity it’s understandable how he could hear each things easier than the average person - this is supported by the second movie where vanessa’s discussing names and everything slows down and he’s aware someone’s coming to the door with a gun. spoiler alert ? I don’t think so.

when discussing my interpretation of wade, I write him with the freudian trio ALWAYS in the back of my mind. this is made up of the id - which represents emotional & instinctual desires, the superego - which represents the logical & intellectual reasoning and the ego - which represents the balance, or better yet … compromise. now for me, the id represents wade’s yellow box which, in the movie, is represented by his unfiltered words and impulsivity. the superego represents his god-complex mindset, and is seen through his actions when debating on whether to help others ( for the greater good ) or to just not bother / care. and then we have the ego, that’s wade wilson, forever compromising with his impulsivity and motives. impulsivity has him nearly shoot russell, the superego agreeing with colossus in not escalating and wade compromising with telling russell to do as he says, ( noticing that he does eventually launch something at the kid’s head aka the katana. ) I’ll wrap this up because it’s dragging on but the point is, out of all the interpretations of deadpool including schizophrenia, multiple personalities etc etc, I find that wade is just a guy constantly fighting with himself, constantly at loss of who he is identity wise and with his brain cells consistently being replaced / regenerating, his mind is a total enigma. and the point of this unpopular perception that probably only I find important / care about, is that - although wade is canonly undiagnosed, I personally prefer to explore ( what I find to be ) more logical paths rather than leading with media’s incorrect portrayal and series runs that are a complete far cry from what we know as the true deadpool. again, disclaimer, if you disagree with this please remember that it is my interpretation I’m talking about, and my perception of deadpool and what makes most sense to me.

#swellofpity #me softly : no one asked for this #and yet #here u fuckin go #TIME TO MAKE THE CHIMI FUCKIN’ CHANGAS ; ( HEADCANONS. )#long post /#mental health /#I’M HEARING THE VOICES ; ( OOC. )

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