I'm asexual until Dinner and Diatribes by Hozier starts playing 🤡

demisexuality can be so hard to explain because it’s misconstrued as you just wanting to trust the other person before you have sex with them. and I get why the misconception happens. But demisexuality differs in that there isn’t sexual attraction at all before that bond forms.

I think what people have difficulty with is the idea that there are people out there who aren’t experiencing sexual attraction at all until a certain point, if ever, because we’re taught that sex, libido, and sexual attraction are all the same, both in and out of queer spaces.

And when you’re learning about asexuality and demisexuality, you may learn that people have romantic and aesthetic attraction separately from sexual attraction, and that sexual and romantic attraction aren’t necessarily intertwined, and that may challenge your worldview on sex.

But “I trust you enough to have sex with you” isn’t the same as “I’m not sexually attracted to anyone but you, and the reason I’m sexually attracted to you now after we’ve established this close bond is literally because of the bond of trust we’ve been able to form”.

It’s easy to see how those can get conflated. On the surface, if you’re unfamiliar with asexuality, they may sound the same. But it’s important to acknowledge the difference between “no sex until I trust you” and “no sexual attraction unless I trust you and maybe not even then”.

Demisexuality is housed under the asexuality spectrum. It’s part of the gray area between being allosexual and asexual. It’s part of why the definition for asexuality includes “little to no sexual attraction”. It’s a mostly asexual experience with an asterisk.

While being demisexual may have impacts on a persons sexual activity, even demisexuals have a varied relationship to the act of participating in sex. Libido and sexual attraction are not always intertwined either, which can make telling the difference tricky.

I think of sexual attraction as libido that has a compass. Since I rarely ever experience sexual attraction, but do have libido, it’s noticeable for me when that libido actually has a direction to go, rather than being a floating, nebulous, independent thing.

Remember, not everyone is demisexual. There’s a difference between waiting to have sex and not having sexual attraction at all until a certain point. This also inherently ties demisexuality to romantic attraction and relationships, and not all demisexuals are alloromantic.

But if you read what demisexuality is and think “everyone is like that” or “that’s just being a woman”, you either 1) are demisexual 2) don’t understand what it is or 3) both. And it’s okay to not know. Just as long as you’re willing to try to learn.

before you know about women, you hear that you do not need to love the man, just that you need to love him through his manhood. which is to say you have seen the future painted in lamb's blood over your eyes - how your mother shoots you a look about your father's inability to cook right. how your aunt holds her wineglass and says i'm gonna kill em. men, right! how your best friend bickers with her boyfriend, how she says i can't help it. i come back to him.

you learn: men are gonna cheat. men aren't going to listen when you're talking, because you're nagging. men think emotions are stupid. they think your life is vapid and your hobbies are embarrassing. men will slam things, but that's because men are allowed to be angry. if you get loud, you're hysterical. if a man gets loud - well, men are animals, men are dogs, men can't control their hands or their eyes or their bodies. they're going to make a snide comment about you in the locker room, about your body, about how you're so fucking annoying. you're going to give him kids, and he will give you the money for the kids, and you're going to be running the house 24/7 - but he gets to relax after a long day, because his job is stressful. the man is on stage, and is a comedian, and says "women!"

and you are supposed to love that. you are supposed to love men through how horrible they are to you - because that's what women do. that's what good women do. wife material. your father even told you once - it'll make sense when you're older. it was like staring down a very lonely tunnel.

it feels like something's caught in your throat, but it's all you know, so. it's okay that you see sex as a necessary tool, a sort of okay-enough ritual to keep him happy, even though he doesn't seem to care about happiness as-applied-to you. it is relationship upkeep. it is kissing him and smiling even though he didn't brush his teeth. it is getting on your knees and looking up and holding back a sigh because he barely holds you as you panic through the night. it's not like the sex is bad and you do like feeling wanted. and besides! he's a man! like... they're another species. you'll never be able to actually communicate, right. he isn't listening.

you just don't get it. you don't feel that sense of i'm gonna climb him like a tree. mostly it just feels fucking exhausting. you play the part perfectly. you smile and nod and are "effortlessly" charming. and it's fine! it's alright! you even love him, if you're looking. you could have good life, and a good family, and perfectly happy.

in the late night you google: am i broken. you google i'm not attracted to my husband. you google i get turned on by books but not by him. you google how to get better in bed.

the first time he yells at you, it almost feels like blankness. like - of course this is happening. this is always how it was going to end up. men get angry, and they yell, and you sit there in silence.

you mention it to your friend - just the once - while you're drunk. she shrugs and says it's like that with me too, i just try to forget and move on. men are always gonna hear what they want to. pick your battles and say sorry even though he's in the wrong. you play solitaire online for a month. you go to your therapist appointment and preach about how you're both so in love.

after all, you have a future to want. nobody lied about it - how many instagram posts say marriage is hard. say real love takes work. say we fight like cats and dogs but the best part is that we always make up. how many of your friends say happy anniversary to the best and worst thing to ever happen to me. if you really loved him - loved yourself too - you'd accept that men are just different from you.

the first time she kisses you, it's on a dare at a party. something large and terrifying whips through your body. you wake up sweating from dreams where her mouth is encrusted with pearls and you pick them off one by one with your teeth. fuck. you sit at the computer and your almost-finished game of sim city. you think about your potential perfect life and your potential future family. you google am i gay quiz with your little hands shaking.

you delete each letter slowly. you don't need to love him. you just need to keep going.

i want to see something based on conversations with friends recently…….

I genuinely hate when people invalidate demiromantic/demisexual/other labels in general by saying somethin like "OMG!!!! why do these labels exist that's how every relationship is!!!!! what has this generation come to?!!?,!?!!"

some people out here are dating someone they just met two days ago. while it literally took me two whole years of getting to know someone before having a crush on them. can y'all please not find excuses to invalidate aspec/arospec people. thanks

valentine, you're a horse ❤️

lets not forget, it was crowley's first kiss too. his very first fucking kiss ever.

Ace moments before I realised I was ace

Thinking celebrity crushes was just an exaggerated way to say X is aesthetically pleasing and that people weren't actually serious. Making up celebrity crushes just to fit in.

Being able to acknowledge that someone is conventionally attractive by beauty standards but not feeling attracted towards them. Friend: "Aren't they hot?? I'm dying over those abs!!!". Me: "I mean sure, they look fit and healthy. shrug".

Making grossed out faces when asked who I would frick during the 'fuck, marry, kill' games. "Look here, the guys in our group are cool and all but even if the opportunity to be intimate with them came, I still wouldn't do it."

Thinking demisexuality was how attraction worked for the vast majority.

Being VERY confused on why the girls in my high school year thirsted over the young male student teacher.

Being genuinely surprised when peers in my high school year got into sexual relationships ("Huh?? Aren't we too young for this?")

Not understanding what people mean by "the butterflies". Never experienced the physical symptoms commonly associated with a crush.

Not understanding why thirst traps are used and thinking 'sex sells' is an obvious lie.

Not understanding the appeal behind hookup culture.

Reading smut fics and thinking the hyperfixations on a character's physical appearance was so "grown up".

Not understanding why abstinence is difficult. ("What do you mean you couldn't resist... just don't do it???")

Not understanding why couples broke up over sex. Not understanding why lack of sex is a deal breaker in relationships. Thinking that I would be perfectly fine if my partner didn't want to be intimate.

Happy ace week everyone. 💜🤍🖤

EDIT: To anyone that's questioning: if you do relate to some of these, there is a possibility you could be on ace spectrum. However, don't take this as THE guide, this is just a recount of my own personal experiences. Instead, I highly encourage you to read up more on asexuality and other ace people's experiences - asexuality is a wide spectrum, and I just happen to fall in the "no attraction whatsoever" side. I'm also happy to answer any questions, feel free to hit me up.

i hope people realize that aroace and aroallo arent actually the only options and that we should stop creating binaries out of every possible spectrum cause it doesnt actually serve a function other than division

can't stop thinking about a shadowgast "i'm not looking to fuck do you have a screwdriver my bathroom is flooding" grindr au

Or whatever you are! It doesn’t matter because you are loved!!

❤️🧡💛💚💙💜

(ln8 spoilers) jinshi thinking except for my godly looks i am just average and then his smartass goes and kills around five birds with just one brand. someone whose status is so high that even his name can't be said by anyone except the emperor jinshi branded himself with the crest of the empress vowing loyalty to her assuring her he doesn't wants to take the place of her son. one-upping his "bro" with this who refuses to let him leave the line of succession wouldn't let him become a commoner doesn't wants to let him become a servant to the royal family. only slaves get branded and if this ever got out there will be chaos in the court. gyokuyou tho considers jinshi like a brother and he did swear loyalty to her but if she ever tried to cross his family her clan's brand on his body would be enough to prove her as an adultress which would be bad for her and her clan.

and jinshi did this in front of these two people and maomao so now she is the only one who can see him naked and the emperor cannot order him to marry anyone which was something that was definitely gonna happen had he not done what he did. as a bonus he gets to spend more time with maomao after a long time and he did all this while saying the exact words: empress gyokuyou, your enemy i shall never be in front of maomao reassuring her because she once muttered i don't want to be an enemy to empress gyokuyou and he had heard her but before he could tell her that he had no intention of doing that either he couldn't because of the lishu incident. one of the major reasons maomao hadn't accepted her own feelings for jinshi one of the obstacles he promised to remove for her. even though he doesn't even know that maomao's concerns about her becoming gyokuyou's enemy had to do with his birth secret his true status. that no matter what he is the rightful successor. something jinshi himself isn't even aware of and yet without knowing that he did this to deal with it all in a single way most preferable to him: masochism

Shoutout to gray aces and demisexuals and any others on the ace spectrum who feel sexual attraction sometimes and/or under certain circumstances cuz we need to start bonding over the fact that we have the capacity to be both extremely disinterested in sex and extremely horny with the carnal desires of a raging wild beast

Children do not need to grow into being people, they’re already people and of course they have things to learn but they deserve to be treated with autonomy and respect. Especially queer and disabled children, we deserve better.

Your recent discussions has me looking back at my OCs and wondering if any of them are Ace.

Hold on...

Do Demisexuals count on the spectrum? Got two of those guys.

Bifrons might be ace? Not sure. He might just have a case of oblivious combined with obsessed workaholic. I'll have to contemplate what feels right for his character.

Sorry, you got me thinking about things man

Hey no trouble at all.

Yeah demisexuality is on the asexuality spectrum. :) needing to have a very deep connection with someone before having any attraction or sexual desire for them falls into spectrum.

Then you also have greysexual and ace, and so many more that also fall into the spectrum.

My own demisexual Hellaverse character is Marc. He's also very oblivious since he doesn't get when someone flirts and never flirts back lol. He's still very romantic and is yet waiting for a special someone in his life.

(however life's been a bitch to him so he's also very abrasive)

a funny side effect of being demisexual is that i'm disproportionately attracted to my own characters, because i created them and control everything about them, and therefore know them as much as it's possible to know anyone. it's true love.