#but also btw this is about how toxic relationships are SO normalized that u can be in one
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wait i’m actually kind of curious about how yandere nct 127 would feel about slavery that happened in the past (like would they support the idea of owning another person, and if not wouldn’t that make them a hypocrite)? btw u don’t have to answer if this is too controversial
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Oh, this is interesting. None of them like historical slavery and/or racism, just to make that clear, but I’ll let them explain. Enjoy!
Warning! The following contains mentions of racism and slavery. None of the admins, including Savie and myself, are in support of any forms of racism, prejudice, discrimination, or toxicity.
~Ahreum Rhea
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Taeil: "I’m not sure if you mean in general or not. Either way, I don’t like the thought of anyone being enslaved, especially specific groups, but I also understand why some have done it, such as me and my friends. Our s/o belongs to us, but we only own them, personally. No one else. I especially don’t like racism. I’ve seen some of my dear friends be treated poorly because of it.”
Taeyong: “It depends on what you mean. I don’t care for racism or historical slavery. People are people regardless of the color of their skin or where they come from. I only care about how useful they are to me. My little kitten is the perfect example of that. They serve a purpose and are my most precious possession and, as such, I’m their master- their owner.”
Johnny: “Depends. The world’s pretty fucked up. I never liked historical slavery, but I don’t mind ‘enslaving’ my s/o. They’re mine and mine alone. The difference is that I love my s/o, take great care of them, and I’m fair to them. Still, I understand some of it- survival of the fittest and personal gain- sure. Racist shit, though, is aggravating- I once broke the legs of someone who uttered racial slurs at my mother and I’d do it again in a heart-beat.”
Yuta: “There are owners and there are slaves; there is strength and there is weakness. Ever heard of top and bottom relationships? The weak are meant to be owned, especially little kittens like mine. Though, the others aren’t my problem, and thus, I don’t really care much. Racism, I won’t tolerate, though.”
Mark: “It’s fucked up. I hate racism. I’ve personally experienced it myself, being asian. Aside from that, as far as owning someone, I’m all for it. There’s many ways to own someone- whether they are indebted to you, serve a purpose, are a pet or s/o etc. My s/o is my property, and as such, I own them, but I also love them deeply, protect them, and take good care of them, so it’s entirely different.”
Doyoung: “If you mean the racism, then it’s one of the many reasons why I distrust people. I never care for or understood it. On the other hand, my darling is my property- my possession. I love them dearly and would protect them with my life, but I’m the master in this house. They’ll do good to remember that.”
Jaehyun: “I’m against it in the general sense, but I’m also somewhat of a hypocrite because my baby is my property and I’m their master. I love them with all my heart and they are absolutely precious to me, but they are not my equal and I make sure they behave and follow my rules or else. Racism, though? Pfft, even I’m not that twisted.”
Winwin: “I don’t like the thought of slavery and racism is stupid, it just holds society back, including me; especially with how some people are treating asians now days. It’s disgusting. So, I’m not for slavery, really. Though, I’m the man of the house and what I say goes, but my s/o is still my precious baobei. I always treat them well, unless they misbehave, so they can’t even be considered a slave! In fact, they’re too good for that.”
Jungwoo: “Aish, it’s terrible. You know it still happens today, right? I hate it- it’s not fair. It’s not the same for my sweetheart, though. I try my best to have as normal of a relationship with them as I possibly can, but my role is to be the provider and the man of the house. I lead and they follow, but I take good care of them and protect them- so it isn’t exactly the same.
Haechan: “Ah, it’s really sad and unfortunate what happened in history. I’m not for it- racism, prejudice, hate crimes, etc. However, it’s not entirely the same with an s/o. They’re my property and I’m their owner. I’m the boss and they do as I say. What makes it different is that I love them unconditionally and, although I may punish them for bad behavior, they aren’t my slave, per-say. They’re my little sunshine.”
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Can I request the RFA suddenly meet old friends who were very close to them (maybe in their childhood, highschool,..), our boys said she's a good person but they're trying to separate the relationship between MC and the RFA (the RFA didn't notice this).MC told them about this and the RFA did not believe her, then they got into a fight, mc got hurt accidentally, plz.I love the angst, but can u make a happy ending?If it’s too much u don’t have to do it. I love ur blog btw, hope u have a great day!
Trigger Warning
RFA meeting an old friend of MC who acts nice but want to actually separate their relationship but only trusting Mc after she got hurt in an accident
Ohh hey! This is a really good request! It also would have been an amazing FanFic! Well, I hope you enjoy this Headcanon! Please feel free to tell me your opinion!
And by the way, I also love angst with a happy end! Thank you for your kind words!
PS. the headline says trigger warnings because I am unsure if this could trigger you guys so please read with caution.
You watched the group chat as the RFA was discussing whether to accept your friend as an RFA member.
Everyone loved her; the woman who once was your best friend.
The person who knew you the best.
But she was also the person who hurt you the most.
The lies she said, the actions with bad intentions…
Everything came to you as more and more flashbacks.
Ever since that happened back in University, you tried your best to cut contact.
However, your love for her was bigger, and instead of cutting off the toxic friendship, she managed to make you become the loneliest person on the campus, destroying your faith and innocent heart for other people.
You swore to yourself that you would never ever trust other people.
Not until you met the RFA and your partner. They made you feel strong, positive about relationships, and managed to show you support whenever you needed it.
But right now, that bad time was coming back.
As if nothing changed, history repeated and people began to love her more than you.
At least it seemed like that in your head. You decided to approach the person you thought would always support you. At least, you thought so.
Jumin
,,Jumin,“ you spoke up.
Your husband looked up from his phone as a smile decorated his face.
,,You never told me that you had such good friends,“ he spoke up first.
,,Well, actually, she isn’t a good friend to me. You know, maybe you guys shouldn’t hang out with her so much… she did some kind of hurtful things to me and-” you stopped as you saw Jumin’s face.
Why was he looking at you with that face?
As if you did something wrong, as if you were the bad person, just why?
,,You were the one who taught me to trust people!“ Jumin defended the woman who hurt you so deeply.
You tried to explain to him what happened.
,,She lied to me and to my friend! Because of her, I thought that my friend deceived me and vice versa!“ you told him.
How could he not trust you?
,,Maybe that was because you didn’t try to clear the misunderstanding,“ he told you, making you feel as if someone stabbed you in your back.
You rushed outside. You didn’t care about Jumin behind you, calling your name, and asking you to stop.
A fearful cry from him caused you to make a fatal mistake, looking back at him and not noticing the racing car which was approaching you.
The hit hurt so much. Your body crushed against the car and back on the hard floor, making you lose consciousness…
,,Mc! You‘re awake?!“ someone called your name.
You couldn’t really see the one who stood in front of you, but you knew perfectly well that this voice belonged to Jumin.
Even though you were still unable to move your limbs, you could feel Jumin kissing your hand.
,,I am sorry, that I… we didn’t trust you…“ he spoke up, making you notice that the RFA was there too.
,,Your friend won’t enter the RFA. Instead, we tried our best to make her go away forever,“‘ Seven laughed and began to explain how he found messages on her phone to get rid of you.
Zen
But you were kind of wrong.
Zen wasn‘t on your side at all. Instead, he was on her‘s.
Once again, he was on the phone with her, laughing at something she told him.
At that point, you cursed the day you met her with Zen at the entertainment company.
With a fake smile, she hugged you and whined that you didn’t contact her anymore.
However, you knew that she hurt you a lot.
And Zen apparently came to like her a lot.
So much so that she was already visiting the whole RFA as if you were the newcomer.
,,You don’t understand how much she destroyed!“ you whined.
,,TRUE! I DON‘T! You're just jealous, Mc!“ he told you.
Lies, you thought.
Lies.
Like always. Lies.
You took your back and rushed out, not looking back at Zen or evening caring about telling him something.
And then, without anyone noticing, you got into an accident.
While the paramedics were trying to save you, Zen was busy tidying up the room since your friend would come over.
Of course, the guilty was eating him from the inside, but right now he couldn’t change it.
And before Zen could keep on tidying up, the long-haired found something he shouldn’t read.
You diary.
The diary which page for page was about her, the one who caused your first panic attack, who made you think for two years that she was seriously sick, the one who played you against your friends.
And at that point he knew he screwed up.
Afterward, everything went over quickly.
Zen got called by the police, who told him that as you walked, you got hit by a stone that fell from a balcony and you were currently hospitalized.
At the same time, the girl who he thought was your friend passed by.
Zen couldn’t do differently and bashed her, telling her to literally fuck off before he would hit a girl for the first time.
,,I'm sorry,“ he sobbed late at night, your eyes still closed.
,,If you won’t wake up, I will fall asleep with you… so you’re free to choose yourself, whatever it will be. This time I will stay loyal to you,“
,,Dummy… of course I would choose life,“ you mumbled.
Yoosung
,,You’re my husband… why can’t you be loyal to me…?“ you begged him.
He just watched you as you shed tears in front of him, unable to give you an answer.
,,I just want you to trust me. Why do other people always come first? Am I not enough?
If the world was ending, wouldn’t I be enough? Do you need other people so bad?“ you sobbed.
,,Mc, I don’t understand your problem. We met your friend after such a long time and now you want us all to break contact? She’s so nice!“ Yoosung tried to explain, trying to touch you.
However, you flinched and stepped away.
,,Don’t touch me. If you don’t trust me, don’t touch me. I won’t forgive you for not trusting me… You’re unfair… Everyone is unfair… Why can’t you guys care about me? Why can’t you care about me the same way I care about you? Why is it always me who has to endure pain alone? Why?!“ you asked him and before he could stop you, you already ran off with the car key.
,,Mc is already missing for about three hours and isn’t answering her phone!“ Yoosung whined into the phone.
,,Don’t worry. And besides, it’s okay if she doesn’t come back.
Mc’s always been like this, as soon as something gets difficult she would go hiding. Don’t worry about her,“ your old friend said.
Yoosung gasped at the words your friend told him.
This wasn’t the way a friend should behave.
Without saying anything, Yoosung cut the call and instead called Seven, who immediately searched you.
,,Oh, oh… Oh my god,“ he gasped.
,,What?? Why? Seven??“ Yoosung cried.
,,Calm down, little man! I am going to pick you up, okay? Don’t freak out…“ Seven said and already cut the call to pick him up.
When the two of them arrived at the hospital, the other RFA members were already waiting in the parking lot.
Finally Seven spilled the tea, saying that he saw in the CCTV and that you were in an accident.
,,Two days already passed, Mc...the bad girl wasn’t accepted into the RFA so when you wake up, don’t worry. No one will replace you… and whatever she did back then, she won’t succeed another time… because we will stay by your side,“ Yoosung whispered before he fell asleep next to you.
,,Thank you…“
Jaehee
Tears kept flowing.
The thick drops were even louder than your breathing as you replayed what just happened.
You approached Jaehee to beg her to stay away from your toxic friend.
And then the argument.
You and her, who normally would work together, fought this time.
You even forgot what triggered you.
You just remembered how you got outside; alone in the dark.
The street lamp was the only thing illuminating the next five steps in front of you.
Suddenly, you shrieked as a dark figure approached you.
Fear was written all over your face and you were sure that the person in front of you could see that.
,,Who… are you?“ you whispered, trying your best to sound brave, but failing.
Instead, a sob left your mouth, making the stranger smirk.
The street echoed as you screamed as loudly as you could while the stranger stabbed you.
All he wanted was money.
You would have given it to him if he had just asked.
,,MC!“ you heard Jaehee and saw then her face.
And then darkness surrounded you.
,,She was always so stupid. That‘s why no one liked her back then in school.
It’s just better if you turn off the machines,“ you heard the one you once called your friend say.
You tried your best to open your eyes or say something, anything so that they wouldn’t kill you.
Anything, but nothing worked.
,,Please go. I don’t think that the RFA needs another member,“ you heard Jaehee say.
,,Don’t worry,“ she whispered and stroked your head.
,,I just realized everything and I will protect you,“ she kissed you, making you fall asleep in comfort.
Saeyoung
,,I thought since you’re a hacker you could see all her wrongdoings! But apparently, you’re blind!“ you hissed at him as you tried to beg him not to let her into the RFA.
However, you were already too late and realized that this ,,friend“ of yours already had all the data about the RFA.
Jumin said that maybe if you would give half the load of work to her so you wouldn’t work that much.
It would make it lighter for you.
In other words, you weren’t doing good enough.
They didn’t trust you with the work you were doing.
It hurt you.
It was a deep stab.
But you could keep going if your fiancé supported you.
Instead, he even did what the other person wanted.
No one trusted you.
You couldn’t trust anyone anymore either.
,,Someone leaked information about the RFA!“ the chat was in a fuss.
You knew who it was since you stopped working ever since she came into the RFA.
,,Mc was it! I can log in and see her email! Here‘s a screenshot.
Mc, how could you?
Why did you make the same mistake as back then in school?“ she typed in the chat.
You had to read the line four times until you realized that she was blaming you.
,,I’m disappointed,“ Saeyoung wrote.
That’s when you went you logged out and closed the app.
So she finally attacked you again, huh?
You were already waiting for it.
,,Mc!“ Saeran asked you and barged into the room.
,,You don’t trust me either, huh?“ you asked him, getting up and packing your stuff.
,,No, wait!“ your fiancé‘s brother tried to call you, to grab you.
However, it ended with you slapping his hand away, losing balance, and crashing down the stairs.
,,Did you push her?“ Saeyoung asked his brother.
,,ME?! WHY? I like her! And perhaps I do more than you! It’s your fault! If you would have trusted her, she wouldn’t have felt like that! If you would have supported her better… her friend faked the email. She was the one who leaked out the information,“ Saeran hissed, got up and left the hospital room, leaving an unconscious you behind him.
The next week, Saeyoung worked on finding out whether his brother was right or not and quickly kicked out the woman everyone thought was your friend.
,,From now on, I will trust you and listen to you. So open your eyes that you can scold me, okay?“ Saeyoung whispered and smiled as he saw your finger twitching.
MASTERLIST 1
MASTERLIST 2
MASTERLIST 3
16.06.2020// 22:37 MEST
#jumin han#jumin x reader#jumin x mc#zen hyun ryu#zen x mc#zen x reader#hyun ryu x mc#hyun ryu x reader#hyun ryu#yoosung kim#yoosung x reader#yoosung x mc#jaehee kang#jaehee x mc#jaehee x reader#saeyoung choi#saeyoung x mc#saeyoung x reader#seven x mc#seven x reader#707 x mc#707 x reader#luciel choi#luciel x reader#luciel x mc#trigger warnings#trigger#Headcanon#Mm headcanons#mystic messenger headcanon
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why Kou is the best character in Ao Haru Ride
Why Kou is the best character in Ao Haru Ride & the most deserving of a fangirl club
to preface, the main girl (futaba) and main guy (kou) had crushes on each other in middle school, which would’ve progressed when kou invited her out to see her at a place near a clock. however, kou did not show up because one of their classmates questioned futaba on whether she fancied kou, and she was extremely introverted and replied that she hated boys - which she did. but, she had felt differently for kou since he was more gentle and less brutish than the other guys who were really the epitome of pubescent boys. so i see the appeal to kou. upon hearing this, kou decided not to show up in fear that she would not reciprocate his feelings. alas, she was left waiting in the cold for most of the night, and would not hear from him till highschool because he moved away due to his parents’ divorce. he also changes his last name from tanaka to mabuchi (this is significant).
edit: it has been brought to my attention that kou hadn’t shown up bc it was his parents divorce that day. i might’ve missed this detail but i assume when he tells futaba it’s not at the beginning so rlly mayb it’s another element to the ~character development~
I
When reminiscing, i only remember Kou to be the nonchalant, token tsundere, yeah he doesn’t care about you or your feelings. and upon surface level i found it to be so annoying, because he was the guy who left futaba out of his own fear. she was owed an explanation because despite it being middleschool, i too, would’ve been traumatised if the boy i liked had stood me up and not to mention leave school without a word to any of this classmates. i can side with futaba because i am also an introvert and it plucks a lot of courage to be able to ask someone out in the first place. however, that being said - being an asshole straight off the bat can only mean that there’s room or character development which to my little 12 year old self - failed to realise.
II
when kou moved middle schools, he struggled to find his group of friends, which in hindsight would probably be difficult for anyone who was going through what he had - his parents splitting. however, he meets ms. narumi, who initially we are grateful that she was able to help kou break out of his shell and develop friendships at school albeit he wasn’t besties with anyone. despite this, i will never forgive what she does later. as i’ve mentioned earlier, when kou enters highschool he becomes an asshole. this is because he experiences his mother dying and as anyone would be, he became bitter. he was more closed off than before and upon this revelation, we begin to sympathise for kou. because losing a loved one is as depressing as it comes and we begin to understand that with his parents divorce there was no one else there for his mother except for him. his older brother, given the split, had stayed with his father and so to satisfy his mother kou spent all his middle school years studying, with a realisation too late that he had made no better memories with his late mother.
consequent to his loss, we accept that his “asshole” personality is justified and he had become a man full of regret. during highschool, he moved back in with his father however, avoided spending time with his family at all costs. he’s revealed to be hanging around a group of friends to merely ‘waste time’ and really, he doesn’t enjoy anything in life. yet, ms. futaba, is persistent in nature and still has feelings for him so attempts to develop a friendship because of their previous relationship. much to his dismay, he still harbours remnants of his crush for her, however, he cannot and refuses to acknowledge it - he does this by not saying it aloud but he’s written her name in a notebook and despite the knowledge of its existence he does not tear or throw it away.
III
as futaba and kou’s relationship develop even further - she convinces him to stop seeing the friends and instead he has better friends at school who are all in this event committee or something like that. however, as the story progresses, narumi comes back and asks kou to help her because shes moved to the same town and has also experienced the death of a parent - which also happened after her parents divorced. knowing what that feels like, he felt obligated to help her out. i’m not sure if he intended to be an anchor for her, but this situation turned out to be very manipulative - because narumi was purposefully trying to hold down kou and drag him away from his character development, because as you would assume, futaba & co. are the steps towards moving on from his bitterness, regret and anger, and narumi tries her best to pull him away from it which inherently just inhibited his growth.
kou isn’t aware of this manipulation, because despite being an asshole prior he sympathises with narumi - which, really shows how kind hearted he is. he goes even further with his generosity by rejecting futaba, because even if they had dated, he still could not leave narumi because he felt as it was his duty to help her overcome her own adversities, which would’ve made futaba uncomfortable. it was/is in fact not his duty to help her overcome her trauma because as we all know it’s part of her own journey, and by helping her, he is still being tied to the past and he himself cannot overcome his trauma.
IV
because he had rejected futaba, she decides to move on and although it does not happen immediately, she starts dating this other guy who in my opinion (which is completely objective btw) is so pushy and forward and he’s just a rat. because she starts to date this dude, kou realises that he still likes her, and depsite seeing them together he is unable to move on, or get rid of his feelings for her. now normally, this would be a bit problematic, however, because i hated kikuchi (futaba’s new bf) i don’t care. so, what i enjoyed about this particular bit of his transformation is that he was able to preserve the good things of his childhood which was fundamentally, memories of futaba and the times he spent with her. so when kou has his final talk with narumi - he lets himself out of that toxic environment, which is probably step five of his character development. and he goes back to the town he lived in when his mum died. he takes futaba with him to override the horrible memories that he had made - ones that reminded him of his parents divorce and his mum’s death. his logic behind this method was because when he was in the infirmary he was able to overcome his hate of the disinfectant smell because he was with futaba.
he also reconciled with his mother’s passing by visiting her grave and letting her know that he is finally able to move on.
another bit i wanted to mention, because it was so chivalrous of kou - basically, futaba got mugged and her bag had a strap that meant a lot to her. and so she tried chasing him, however, she got lost because she kicked the guy in the face and tried to run away. eventually, kou found her and she was really shocked and she actually had a fever so he had to carry her all the way to her hotel room. and then she mentioned that she lost her bag and really needed it. so, he left the hotel room and retrieved it and during his absence was when all the friends gathered in her room. when he comes back, he’s found the bag and throws it at her boyfriend which is funny because it shows how useless the boyfriend is lol.
V
after this, he does not give up trying to chase after futaba, because she’s been such a pivotal element to his life - which we can all see. his hard work does not go in vain, they do end up together which is very pleasing. but the final bit to his reform is his last name change. as you can imagine, the initial change from tanaka to mabuchi was probably something that was traumatic but then when he changes it back to tanaka he’s able to move on from his bitterness from his mother’s death. not to mention, he was very adamant on futaba to stop calling him tanaka but its pretty significant that he was able to overcome his personal struggles.
im too hungry so i can’t think anymore, if any of u read the manga add to the list!!1!!!111!!!!!
#ao haru ride#character study#kou mabuchi#anime#futaba yoshioka#shoujo manga#romance#pls be light on the criticism i’m v sensitive
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have you ever do coming out? how it was?
I did, and let me tell you, I'm really really lucky, even if not every one of them was a good experience.
I've only fully come out to my other LGBT+ friends, online or irl, who are of course very accepting of everything.
I've come out about my sexuality only (the one I identified with at the time, which actually I realized wasn't for me this year) to a very few number of irl non lgbt+ friends in different occasions, it went really well in both, one quite literally made me feel like it was the most normal thing in the world since I was telling a story and he was completely unfazed when I mentioned I had a gf. The other two were really happy I could open up and trust them and were really supportive and would always ask me how it went with the girl I was with at the time. (these two were around 2018)
Then my family. Well.
This one's a little complicated because it's not that they hate me or kicked me out or anything I just kinda.. Feel like they don't care. And it's the type where you would be scared to bring up anything about the community because you're convinced they wouldn't care nor want to know anything. It's the type of "as long as you don't bother me I don't mind." which is the type of mindset my dad has a lot in regards to my sister's bf (just fyi, she's 21 and he's 23 so like... Wow thanks. Sometimes I feel bad for how he treats her about her bf.)
So when I came out about my sexuality to my mum, she was fine with it, we just talked about some lighthearted stuff.
Then she asked me something where I made a huge mistake, she said "do you want me to tell dad for you?" and I said yes, since I'm too scared. Well in hindsight I should've kept my mouth shut about it: see basically at the time I had an online girlfriend who was a couple of years older than me, and I mentioned that to mum, and basically when my dad confronted me, he did it in the worst way possible.
He was mad I was in a relationship with this person and he claimed she promised me something out of it?? Like I was with her only because of something and not because we liked each other. He hated (I think he still does, softened up a bit because my sister has had a long distance bf for 1 year) internet friendships or relationships and my mum lowkey did too because she kept saying how basically it's not real because it's all digital and digital life isn't real. (this really upsets me because what, then you would excuse cyber bullying with that type of reasoning? But whatever, not the topic)
So he was really mad at me and demanded he looked through my phone, to which I couldn't say no or else he would think I was hiding something (and anyway, if I said no he would've done it anyway), and he started looking through the entire chat (and other ones with my friends) and read thousands of texts.
Now at the time I had only said I liked both boys and girls cause I know the concept of nonbinary is already too complicated for them to understand and unfortunately my dad came across the label pansexual (since the gf at the time was pan), I explained it to him and he just said I read too many things on the internet.
Imagine how hurt I was because that was actually how I used to identify back then.
Things escalated during those months, everytime he got mad at me, he would randomly take my phone and read conversations I had with this girl and he would comment on them just because and make me feel even worse, he basically hated her and lowkey hated the fact that I was with her.
The worst thing was that I sadly vented to her about him sometimes and he would basically prohibit me to vent and that's how I ended up deleting every single vent moment I had right after we talked. Years later I come to know that my sister had actually access to my chatting app and would tell my dad what we said, which is why he told me back then "I know you're deleting texts".
My mum wanted to send me to therapy because she didn't understand a single thing of what I said when I said I wasn't sure whether I liked boys girls AND more or just boys and girls. She thought I meant I didn't know if I was straight or not, I meant I didn't know if I was bi or pan, which is why I never mentioned gender identities to them and why I am closeted about me being nonbinary to them. (btw this was the understanding of the difference between bi and pan at the time, I was 15, I now know it's more complicated than that.)
About my sister, she came to know in the worst way possible too. For some reason I was afraid she would be homophobic and after I told mum, there was this one time I was at a restaurant with family friends and my cousins, aunt and uncle.
May I say I was sitting right between my cousin and my sister and in front of my aunt.
Unprompted, she asks me if I'm gay, but like she used this Italian phrase that I really don't like much, since it's usually used to make jokes by straight people about someone being gay.
I was there like GOD FUCKING DAMN IT we're LITERALLY next to our cousin and aunt COULD U SAY THAT LOWER. I told her I wasn't straight and, I don't remember much really, but she was offended I didn't tell her first. Like, wow, okay, coming out is difficult as fuck, but go on, be offended.
I had to go to the bathroom right after because I had an anxiety attack.
After things quieted down with my parents (as in my dad wasn't taking my phone as much), things started escalating with the girl I was with, she assumed a rather toxic behavior and I ended up dumping her.
Can still remember how my sister told me dad had said "thank goodness" when he learnt I wasn't with that girl anymore.
How also my mum said "cmon maybe next time you'll get a boyfriend". Wonderful comfort mum yes I already had a bf before, he dumped me one month after because he liked someone else not sure I want to try the experience again!! :)
Anyway, this is the reason why I do not talk about my relationships to my parents anymore. I had a girlfriend for almost 2 years and my dad knew nothing. My sister did because she actually grew a little bit better about this stuff (she's the embarrassing questions type, but at least she's not a bitch) and my mum knew around 6 months in, because she asked and we were alone. (I still think she thinks I'm a lesbian)
Also the reason why, when I got a pride flag while on school journey in the UK, I hid it in my drawer. And the reason why I'm terrified of asking of going to pride.
As of now, I have a lovely partner and yes, my entire family absolutely doesn't know and will not know if not strictly necessary. Maybe I will tell my sister, I was thinking about it, because that could probably make some personal stuff less difficult to do.
See, technically it's not that bad now, we just never bring it up at all and I never think about the clusterfuck of things that happened in 2016.
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! DEAR BROTHER, HOW I HATE THEE /// BUCKY BARNES x READER
╰❂╮ prompt ╰❂╮
You’re Tony Stark’s secretary, and also his sister, but there’s this one thing you can’t let him find out: your crush on the newest addition to the Avengers team, James Buchanan Barnes.
╰❂╮ author’s note ╰❂╮
I’m finally getting around to trying out new fandoms. Hope you guys like this; if you do, pls tell me, because I feel like it’s garbage and I’m sorry if it sucks D: Love you guys btw! Send some positivity my way pls, I’m going through some shitty times with rlly toxic people and it’s a struggle to get out of friendships with people you’ve known since childhood. AS ANOTHER SIDE NOTE, if you want tagged in future Avengers imagines, shoot me a message or just comment bc yoooo, I’ll totally do it. And rememberrrr, my inbox is open! And I’m always looking for fresh ideas for my imagines :)))
╰❂╮ warnings ╰❂╮
Swearing, Fluff
╰❂╮ word count ╰❂╮
3869
If there was one thing you absolutely hated about your brother—not counting his oversized ego—it’d be his habit of meddling in your affairs. No matter how hard you tried, you couldn’t hide secrets from Anthony Stark. It just didn’t work that way, especially with all the security cameras and the blabber-mouthed Avengers that littered the Tower.
But there was this one secret that, if gotten out, and if exposed to the male members of the team, you’d probably move to Alaska.
You had the biggest, fattest, most obviously obvious crush on the Avengers’ new recruit, Bucky Barnes.
Truth be told, if it were up to you, you wouldn’t be enduring the phases of a crush. You didn’t want to be infatuated with someone who probably cared more for succulents than they did for you. The butterflies, the stomach cramps, the anxiety, the sweaty palms; you were certain Bucky noticed your behavior around him, and he probably found it uncomfortable, and it most certainly made him avoid you, but what were you supposed to do? Stay rooted in your office all day? That was not a plan you felt obligated to disclose—especially not to your crazy-ass brother. If it was up to Tony, he would have locked you in your office by now; if he ever caught you, his puny little sister, attempting to join in on field combat again, he’d probably have a heart attack. And Pepper would have your head.
Well, maybe not. Pepper liked you. But that was liable to change if you killed her boyfriend. And Tony would turn you into Rapunzel if you kept trying to be a S.H.I.E.L.D. agent when you were a freakin’ secretary.
That’s one reason why you couldn’t share your latest fancy with your brother. With all the history of Bucky being the Winter Soldier, and you always getting into trouble that’d always wind up with you sustaining some sort of injury, he’d worry himself into early sickness. You told Tony everything, only starting with the trend of raw honesty after Tony revealed that he had cameras out in the hall from your room and basically knew everything you’d ever done wrong, but this was just something he’d try and sabotage in any possible way he could.
However, that didn’t mean you couldn’t tell other people. It just had to be outside of hearing range for the Tower. That’s what had you and Wanda Maximoff at a café around the corner from Stark Tower. A populated place that was nowhere near Tony and his rampant, exaggerative mind.
“Oh my gosh, Wanda,” you groaned into the table, barely managing to thank the waitress as she deposited your and Wanda’s coffees and blueberry muffins in between the two of you. You peeked up, giving Wanda your best I’m-dying eyes, fit with half-slanted eyelids and creased corners. “He’s just so handsome… I can’t be normal around him. Like, how do you be normal around cute boys?”
Wanda pursed her lips. She had taken a dainty sip of her mocha latte through your rant, and was only just putting it down when you turned your pleading gaze to her. “Well,” she said slowly, “I do not think I am the best person to approach with this information. Neither Natasha. Do you have any secretary friends you can talk to about this?”
Your eyes turned withering. You regarded your coffee and muffin as irrelevant, pausing only for a moment to take in the delectable blueberries bursting out of the muffin-skin, before you raised your head to its full height. “You and Natasha are the only people I talk to,” you said. You sounded whiney, but you were freaking out about this, so honestly, you didn’t care. You jutted out your bottom lip, thinking a pout could win her over, and evoke from her advice. “Please?”
A pause. Then Wanda finally sighed. “If you really want a relationship out of this, then you should approach him with your feelings,” she told you. “Feelings are no good when they stay just that: feelings.”
“That’s true,” you said. You took a bite out of your muffin, nearly turning into goo at the scrumptious taste. “He’s just so… stoic. And he hardly smiles, or laughs. Sometimes I don’t know if he wants to kill me, feels nothing for me, or finds me likable. I mean, I hope it’s the latter, but let’s face it; the only person he truly likes in that tower is Steve, and on rare occasions, he even enjoys Natasha’s company. I’m just… a background nuisance.”
“No, you are not.” Wanda shook her head at you. She took her hands from her coffee cup, moving them out so she could place them on your own hands. She gave you a stern, motherly look. “You must get to know him better. Try your hand at being his friend, and then, see where the road takes you. You will do nothing for yourself if you continue to mope.”
You nodded frantically. “Yeah, yeah—that’s a great idea—but, wait…” You sighed. “What do I do about Tony?”
Wanda rolled her eyes. “Pay him no mind,” she said, pulling away a hand to wave it dismissively in the air. “You’re a grown woman. He does not own you. Unless you are a product of Stark Industries, and you are no human, but a robot in disguise. Are you?”
“No…”
“There you have it, then. Talk to Bucky, and see where he stands.” She leaned back in the booth seat, taking a long sip of her coffee. You proceeded to do the same.
Maybe she was right… You did need to start getting to know Bucky better. And you needed to stop letting Tony influence and dictate your life. After all, Bucky was only a man, and if he was as truly stoic as you thought he was, then your feelings would be one-sided and Tony would get his wish: you, single forever, an eternal bachelorette.
-
You were making breakfast in the kitchen Tony had on the Avengers floor (as well as the floor you stayed in, when you weren’t at your apartment in the city), clad in Hello Kitty pajamas, when you had your first encounter of the week with Bucky. You were humming to an old 80’s song, stirring pasta, and there came a deep, throaty chuckle, then his husky voice as he said, “Is that Billie Jean?”
You jumped, a sharp squeak leaving you. A flush lit you up from head to toe, and if it wasn’t Bucky—if it was another Avenger, someone you were comfortable enough around to be yourself—you might have broken into a fit of, “Oh my god, oh my god”’s. However, just your luck, it was Bucky who graced you with his presence, seeing you in your pajamas, watching you as you jammed out to imaginary Michael Jackson records. This was downright embarrassing.
You slowly turned to look at him. You fought back the even redder shade of blush that was struggling its way up your throat, choosing (from a multitude of other embarrassing ways to act around Bucky) to smile nervously and teeter-tot on your heels. If the symptoms of your crush were going to burn you alive, you might as well smile through the death and destruction. Bucky began to look expectant when you merely stood there and smiled at him, which made you remember you hadn’t yet replied to him. “Oh, u-um, yeah!” you said, through such a high pitch, that you internally face-palmed. Way to give yourself away, dumbass. “I was just…”
“Dancing?” Bucky raised an eyebrow. A smirk was beginning to twitch at his lips, fighting to make its debut appearance. “That’s a bit of a safety hazard when cooking, doll.”
Doll? Did he just call me doll? That deep-red shade you were trying to fight off your face… You were now a goner to your body’s dysfunctions. You flushed deeply, and your smile turned into a clumsy line that revealed just how much strength you had in the face of a handsome, well-mannered man, meaning zero. “There’s a reason why Tony keeps me locked up in the office all day,” you said, with an unsure laugh. “He says I make a habit of hurting myself when I’m alone. Apparently, I’m a trouble magnet!”
Bucky’s eyebrows raised, and he no longer tried hiding his smirk. He looked amused. “Clearly,” he murmured.
“Well, uh—” You stopped talking. You really didn’t know where you were heading with that. The curious look on his face, though, made you take a deep breath and say, “Shouldn’t you be at training?”
Bucky’s eyes turned wide, and his smirk disappeared. He put a nervous hand on his neck, scratching at it—like this was a question he really didn’t want to answer. “Well, uh—” he parroted, looking just as jumpy as you had felt when you, too, had uttered the words. “I just wanted—I, well… I thought you might want some company.”
You blinked. You hadn’t expected that. “Well… I could always use someone to talk to while I cook.” Your expression considerably brighter, you turned back to your pasta—which had almost burned while you were busy talking to Bucky.
A loud scrapping sound told you Bucky had sat down, and the prickling sensation on your neck told you that he was staring. After about three minutes of you moving the pasta off the burner and putting together a marinara sauce, you decided to say something. You said over your shoulder, “So, you like Michael Jackson?”
Bucky said, “Yes.” A simple answer.
“I do too,” you replied, a smile on your face as you put the marinara sauce in a pan to heat. You turned to him. “Would you want to eat with me?” At the startled expression on his face, you backtracked, a sense of panic welling up in you— “Wait, uh—only if you want to—”
“Sure,” said Bucky, reverting you back to your normal, albeit fidgety, state. “Pasta’s nice.”
“Oh.” You blinked. You weren’t expecting that answer. “Okay, cool!” The raised eyebrow he shot you at the amount of pent-up excitement in your tone made you feel a tad bit abashed, but what did that matter—you were having dinner with James Buchanan Barnes.
You couldn’t stop smiling all throughout dinner, so distracted by your conversations with Bucky (and the astonishing fact that he was smiling and laughing with you, two elements of a human’s behavioral personality, which he apparently lacked, that caused you to think he disliked you) that you forgot one teeny, tiny detail about Stark Tower…
-
Tony cornered you the next morning, nearly sloshing your coffee all down your shirt in his haste to get to you. “You couldn’t have picked a worse person to deflower you, huh?”
You stopped walking. What the hell? “Did you really just say ‘deflower’? What are you—fifty?”
“Better than being in my 90s,” Tony said snidely, an obvious reference you weren’t automatically getting, before grabbing your arm. He ignored your look of annoyance and pulled you to in front of him. “That tin-armed hand-me-down is still in the works about becoming normal, Y/N/N. One little snap, and you could be killed. You understand that?”
“What—are you talking about Bucky?” At Tony’s deadpan expression, you had to let out a sigh; of course he saw. Of course! He had cameras in every stinkin’ crevice of this damned Tower. “Tony… there’s nothing going on between us.” Well, you wished there was, but he didn’t need to know that. “And besides, Bucky is a person. Stop talking about him like he isn’t.”
Tony rubbed a hand over his face in exasperation. “Bucky is a person… He’s got you brainwashed, or infatuated, because all I see is a man who murdered our damn parents, Y/N.”
You pushed him off of you. “That wasn’t him,” you snapped. “He wasn’t in control of himself. If you want to blame anyone, blame Hydra. Stop being a dickhead about it.”
Tony’s eyes darkened. He went to say something, but he must have thought better of it because he merely shook his head, then briskly walked back down the hallway. When you got to your office, you couldn’t help the long, angry screech that left you in the safety of your personal four walls; if there was anyone who could frustrate you most in this world, it was your brother.
-
Taking long and well-thought measures to avoid someone usually resulted in you avoiding other people, too. Which included all of the Avengers. It wasn’t that much of a surprise when a knock on your office door sounded before Natasha was waltzing right in, a look of pure anger on her face.
“Why are you avoiding us?” she said brusquely, barely paying your deer-in-headlights expression any attention as she plopped down on the meeting chair placed in front of your desk.
“I’m avoiding Tony.”
Natasha breathed out a scoff, then began to laugh. “He lives here, Y/N. How exactly did you think you were going to avoid him? Avoid us?”
She had got you there. Your expression fell into a thin line teetering on the edge of shame, barely concealing your embarrassment. “I know… but he—”
Natasha threw up a dismissive hand. “Whatever he did to you, it can’t be bad enough a reason for you to avoid everyone and lock yourself up in this tiny little prison you call an ‘office.’” She snorted. “Barnes is worried.”
You were beginning to look away, not able to meet Natasha’s eyes while she was busy chastising you, but her final words caught your attention. You immediately turned to look at her. “Wait—what?”
There was that meddling look that Tony was always giving you. Befit with a raised brow and hollowed-out cheeks, Natasha smirked. “Barnes. He’s worried about you. He’s the one who asked me to come check on you. He said Tony probably locked you up to keep you out of trouble.”
Wow. I didn’t think Bucky cared enough to do that. Maybe there was a lot of things you didn’t know about Bucky. You pursed your lips, then said—“You can tell him I’m fine.”
Natasha got this look on her face, before she was tilting her face towards the door leading to your office. “Why don’t you tell him yourself?”
Before you could ask what she meant by that, the door to your office was pushing open, and Bucky stuck his head out from between the frame. His frown seemed bashful, and he didn’t meet your gaze head-on. “Hey, doll. Can I come in?”
Doll. Again. You ignored Natasha’s knowing stare when you replied, “Oh, y-yeah—of course.”
“Guess I’ll be off,” Natasha said loudly, rising from the office chair. She sent you a wink. “I’ll get Tony to lay off with the brotherly love.” She smirked.
You waved her off awkwardly, biting hard on your lip as she passed Bucky and shot him a wicked, cheeky grin. Bucky mumbled a few choice words, shoving at her shoulder; he certainly seemed embarrassed by whatever implications were in her expression.
When Bucky was out of the door’s range, and Natasha’s clacking heels were no longer heard above the ventilation, the two of you sat in a still, awkward silence. You were twiddling with your fingers, and Bucky was staring at his feet, both of you too introverted and shy to really speak the first words. However, in the midst of your frantic thoughts (Oh God, what do I say, what do I do, is he mad at me? Did I do something wrong?) you didn’t notice Bucky look up from his boots, or see him sink into the same chair that Natasha had only been occupying moments before. He looked at you for a long moment, and only when the hair-raising feeling that accompanied people’s centered gazes intensified did you finally look up.
“Oh,” you said dumbly. “Hi.”
Bucky’s lips twitched. The barest hint of a smile crawled onto his lips. “Hi.”
You didn’t know what to say. Neither did Bucky, it seemed. This was extremely awkward, and you wondered why Natasha had to leave when she knew the two of you were the quietest members of the Tower; conversations were difficult to uphold when Bucky was silent most of the time and simplistic in his rare answers, and you always stopped before you could begin when it came to speaking.
However, you must have misjudged Bucky for being defiant in his silence. He slowly crossed his arms, continuing to stare into your eyes, before saying, “Did Tony do something?”
Your mouth fell agape before you were gathering your senses. Don’t be such an open book, idiot. “He said some things I didn’t like,” you said finally. “So we’re not on speaking terms, at the moment.”
Bucky’s face brightened, then dulled. Like he was wanting a different answer. Like he knew exactly what you were talking about. “Ah,” he said. “Does the word ‘deflower’ really bother you that much?”
Oh, shit. Did he—? “Wait.” Your reply was slow, calculated. “Did you overhear our conversation?”
Bucky nodded.
You sighed. Well, he must think I’m obsessed with him or something, defending him like I’m his girlfriend. “Tony’s… an asshole. I’m sorry he said the things he did.” There, that sounded friendly enough. You didn’t want to come off as a fangirl.
Bucky just shook his head, looking determined. And like he didn’t really care about Tony, and his wonderful way with words. Bucky leaned forward, propping his crossed arms on your desk. He was close enough for you to smell his cologne, and close enough that your gaze immediately flickered towards his lips. “You said there’s nothing going on between us… What if I said there is something?”
This conversation was heading in a direction you were not anticipating. Your jaw fell open again, eyes going wide with shock. “W-What?”
Bucky stared at you. He seemed less confident now, with your expression of bewilderment so blatant. He started leaning back into his chair. “I’m sorry—was that too forward?”
Now, you were dubious. Why wasn’t he referencing all the fangirl moments you’d have around him? Was he just oblivious? Since it appeared like he was embarrassed, for lack of a better word, you began to push forward in your seat; you latched a hand around his flesh arm. “N-No!” you shouted, before quieting, a blush on your face. “No… I just didn’t expect you to think that way about me, is all.”
Bucky was the one to look dubious now. “I thought I was obvious about it.”
“No, if anyone was obvious, it was me.” You laughed and shook your head. “Always giggling around you, and stuttering. And don’t get me started on the blushing. It’s like you’ve turned me into a schoolgirl again.”
Bucky’s handsome face lit up with a smile. Not a smirk—a smile. It made your stomach do flips. “I guess I just didn’t think someone like you would like someone like me. I’m surprised… I even came up here. I was actually going to your office to ask you out on a date when… you and your brother talked, but when you said there was nothing going on, I just thought… And then you were avoiding Stark, which made me think maybe, you were lying, and maybe his words made you more angry than I thought.”
That was the most Bucky had ever said to you. Maybe even around anyone in this Tower, including Steve—which made you feel smug inside. You smiled at him, and reached out a hand to lay gently on his jaw. “Well, you’re here now,” you told him softly.
He smiled back at you. “Yeah. I am.” He cupped the back of your neck with his human hand and pulled you into a swooping kiss.
You were shocked—completely shocked—by the amount of butterflies that lit up in your belly at the sensation of Bucky’s lips on yours. You thought the movies and books were lying when they said kissing was like a Fourth of July show. He tasted like coffee—black, no creamer and no sugar, the same way you liked your own coffee—and he smelled even more heavenly, making you nestle closer as the grip tightened on the hair at your nape. His lips grew harder against your own, moving passionately (as though both were pieces to the same puzzle) and it made you feel light, like you were airborne, the way he tasted and felt.
So caught in this amazing feeling, you didn’t hear the door open. But you did hear the outraged noises that left whoever it was that barged in.
“What the hell, Y/N?! Does this look like nothing to you?” your brother yelped, seeming completely bewildered by the sight of you and Bucky locked in a kiss.
You pulled away, wracked with a sense of smugness at the deprived sound that left Bucky’s throat. You gave him a soft smile before moving your chair sideways to take a peek at the door. Tony was there, mouth fully popped open, pointing a finger between you and Bucky, like he was in utter disbelief; you were sure in that empty brain of his, he was praying for this to be nothing but a vicious nightmare, his greatest worries coming true.
How sad it’d be when he woke up tomorrow morning to find that this was a reality, a reality not going anywhere anytime soon.
You left your hand on top of Bucky’s as you said, “You know, Tony, it’s kind of rude to barge into a room without knocking first.”
Tony spluttered, and gaped, raising an angry finger. Similar to how he acted when you called him a dickhead. “I’ll have you know—”
“You own this place, you can do anything you want, you’re the great Tony Stark—blah, blah, blah.” You caught the amused smirk on Bucky’s face. And a startled look. He was probably confused about your banter with Tony; you could be talkative to people you really cared about, but the shyness came out in front of strangers and groups. You threw Tony a frown. “Listen, Tony—I get that you think you have some sort of sibling protection rules you live religiously by, but let’s be a little bit more lenient about my dating life… Okay? Okay. Now please—get out and go gossip to the Avengers about me. I know you really want to.”
An outraged look appeared on Tony’s face. “Don’t think this is over!” he said angrily, before he was sweeping out of your office; there wasn’t a doubt in your mind that he was heading to the Avengers to mope and ask for advice on how to sabotage your relationship.
You sighed, looking back at Bucky. He was already looking at you, and he was smirking. “Dating, huh?” he said, sounding pleased.
You swatted at him playfully; now that you knew he didn’t hate you, it was much easier to be comfortable with him. “Oh, shut up and kiss me.”
And he did.
#bucky barnes x reader#bucky barnes drabble#bucky barnes imagine#bucky barnes#avengers x reader#avengers#marvel#mcu#wanda maximoff#natasha romanoff#black widow#winter soldier#tony stark#tony stark x reader#buckybarnes#james buchanan barnes#mcu fanfiction#bucky barnes fanfiction#bucky x reader
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AMA Transcript: bouquet garni
Next up, @skadventuretime, @guacamoletrash and @jamesfalt (Souly on Discord) stopped by to chat about their Resbang, bouquet garni! Here’s some of what went down:
Q: Madi, how did you come up with everyone's characters, like Harvar being a gaming streamer and Tsu and Liz being farmers etc. etc. because I thought those were all really unique and interesting!
madi: Ahaha let's see, I started planning this back last... May? and talking with the beta crew, as one does. And naturally marsh [ @marshofsleep ] , enabler that she is, just put it out there.
madi: And I was just playing a bunch of overwatch at the time and thought he'd be a good gamer nerd, and also I had decided to make this Extra self-indulgent, so I was like “my city now”. I basically poured all of my friend feels into [Harvar] and Anya in particular. The past couple years have been rougher for me, but I've had some really spectacular friends, and I decided Maka and Soul needed them, too.
Q: The part with the sword and stuff, I just…
madi: OH THAT ahahahaha. Okay yeah that was end of Resbang crunch time and me being extra 'fuck it.'
madi: That was what the team thought about that.
Q: Artist-chans, what programs do you use and how does your arting process go? And how is guac so good at playlisting??
Souly: I use paint tool SAI :0 I might still have some of my progress pics, lemme look.
guac: Lol. I don't think I'm super good at it but I do enjoy music a lot and like to make playlists so maybe that's it!
Souly: Yeah here we go. Mid lining.
I did it a lil differently than I normally do. I normally line everything and then do flats but I was actually super behind bc of life stuff so I just started doing flats per character after their lines were done. This is a sample of what the layers look like:
madi: Man how do u keep track of ur layers? Or is it like, a sixth sense?
Souly: I go off of the little layer previews and hope the layer has what I'm looking for.
madi: LOL that sounds like me.
Souly: I also like... tend to set up layers for characters a specific way so I can normally find those?
guac: BRUH THAT'S SO MANY LAYERS.
Q: Did you have a favorite character to write? 8)
madi: I just love writing Star being balls to the walls ridiculous. The saxophone thing came about because I saw this video and was like oh my god it's Black Star in the flesh: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IMyqasy2Lco . But I also really liked writing Maka being sort of the one with issues, too.
Q: Which character in your fic did you most identify with? And was it purposeful or accidental?
madi: Iiiiiiii'd have to say I identified with [Maka] the most this fic, for once. Usually it's soul, but I ended up pouring a lot of myself into her, and it was both purposeful and accidental how it all worked out.
Q: I’m surprised, because there were a lot of things I noticed about Soul that I know are you-things!
madi: Yeah!!! I definitely can't help that with him, they both got a lot of me.
Q: I know you said this fic was super personal and self-indulgent so was it generally pretty easy to write because of that, or did you have trouble?
madi: Hmmmm yeah I definitely had some trouble. About 20k in, I sort of lost the emotional thread of it, and whined a lot to Bones [ @adulterclavis ] about what I could do to fix it, and it turned out that I just needed to talk to someone about it to find where I wanted to go again, and then it got easier. I still struggled for sure not having a traditional Big Antagonist plotline thing, it was more personal and then Maka's mom… Bones let me cry in her inbox about writing.
Q: What brought about your characterization of Mama Albarn (who i still hate btw >: ((( )?
madi: You are not the only one...
guac: I'm always ready to fight her.
madi: Okay so, basically Mama Albarn came about just from how I used to (and still sometimes do) talk to myself. It's that internalized idea you always have to be perfect, and if you aren't given everything you've been given and have, then you're weak and a fuckup and how dare you not be the best? DEFINITELY a toxic mindset, and Bad. And this fic was sort of exorcising that, a little. This was an external abusive deal, but you can absolutely develop abusive thought patterns towards yourself, and you can also free yourself from them, like Maka was ultimately able to.
Q: Was there a scene in particular you really enjoyed?
madi: I heckin’ loved the butt lamp scene. It honestly kept me going, knowing I'd be able to write that monstrosity. And also drunk Kid, who marsh aptly named Five Drink Amy. AND THEN GUAC skl;dfkld. So there was this, right, and then guac
madi: Which linked to THIS PIC:
madi: And we all could not stop laughing.
Q: What was the hardest part to write?
madi: I got stuck at the end of chapter 3, and I ultimately added another section on to it to make it work, but I think deciding how I wanted to transition from her debauched night out into a Soul POV chapter given what I wanted each person to sort of be faced with was probably the hardest thing for me. This whole deal was largely driven by me groping in the dark at what felt right.
Q: PS I loved the debauched night out. And Patty's drinks.
madi: I loved patty in this!! Bones wanted to marry her, so I know it Worked Out. She was another fun one to write, as were her drinks ahaha.
Q: What was your favorite thing about this Resbang in particular?
madi: Oh jeez, hm. I think my favorite thing was doing a better job fleshing out the side characters in Harv and Anya and Kid and Star. That was something I regret not doing better in my older work, so I'm happy I got to try my hand at giving people other than Soul/Maka some personality.
guac: They became such a cute little chosen family.
Q: Why a food-themed story specifically? What about that appealed to you? (For everyone!)
madi: (Apeeled).
Souly: I fucking love SoMa. [And] the cooking aspect really drew me in... idk why but I've always had a thing for those kinds of things with anime I'm into?
guac: My current relationship started with them teaching me how to cook real food cause I used to eat like a garbage can, so I was like ‘welp this is gonna be hella cute, count me in.’
madi: Omg, I didn't know that, that's ADORABLE.
guac: Shhhhh. I don't talk about my feelings very much. But yeah. I was like ‘a SoMa AU about my life!!!’
Souly: Honestly yeah same, I feel like I also like... connected with Maka about being poor and just buying shit to eat.
madi: Let's see, I had a prompt sitting in my inbox FOREVER that was like 'I’m obsessed with a food blogger who writes about cheap ways to be gourmet in your 20s and I flirt with them over comments but they never post pictures of their face and ALSO there’s a really cute grocery bagger at the store down the street who teases me and always asks to join me for dinner and I definitely want to say yes AU' that I was initially gonna go with, and originally it was a little closer to this deal. My first blush ideas for this sort of had the drama in not knowing who was whom, and the big reveal being the climax, or something like Maka thinking Soul was taken because she thought he was involved with the comment girl and then that whole drama. But then I thought that that sorta thing had been done before, and I wanted this to be less about the drama of the reveal and more about the process of them growing closer, I guess. And I also looooooove cooking and baking, so that definitely bled through.
Q: I thought it was a neat shake up how you didn’t make the reveal the crux of the whole thing.
madi: Ahahaha yeah, I definitely thought about it, but ultimately wanted this to be less 'gasp, it's YOU!' because the reader knows, and if I wanted to make the reader invested, I'd have to keep them apart and do the kinda drama I wasn't feeling for this fic. The insta bit came about because I spend some time looking at food pics before I go to sleep, and that provided a lot of insp for that section. Half of my degree is in nutrition, so I like to see the recipes people come up with, and also roll my eyes at some of the bougie stuff, because insta is definitely a Platform for that, depending on where you end up haha. Also like, I definitely took some things I've experienced flat out and added them in, like Harv shoving Maka electrolyte packets. Last year when I was deep in the sad pit, my diet was terrible, and I knew it, but I wasn't doing much about it. And then one day I was talking to Bones and my leg muscle kept spasming, and she was like dude when was the last time you've gotten minerals and I was like .....oh. So she sent me a link for those packets to hold me over on days I wasn’t getting them from my diet ahaha. Bones is also where some of Kid came from, and bits of Anya.
Q: Where did you get your recipes? I want a cookbook based on this fic p...please.
modi: Okay okay let me find some of the recipes that inspired things:
https://showmetheyummy.com/crockpot-mexican-chicken-recipe/ https://www.instagram.com/p/BfWNxv9HuHg/?hl=en&taken-by=thefeedfeed.
[Bones] was also the steak recipe insp!
madi: The kitchn, thefeedfeed, showmetheyummy, minimalistbaker were all feeds that I was inspired by, and then I just improv’d from there, because I have cooked all or most of the things I described in there. AND IT'S WHERE MAKA'S CUPCAKE GAZING CAME FROM. LOOK AT THE GLORIOUS MOUNTAIN OF ICING https://www.instagram.com/p/BaRGvjGDBpr/?hl=en&taken-by=thescranline
Q: Did you feel like your writing has changed at all during writing this?
madi: Yeah, for sure! I thought that this year I got better at characterizing people, adding some personality to them that was a little more nuanced than I'd done before. I think I absorbed some of Bones's longer sentence style, which I personally tend to like even though I am still getting a handle on it, and I think I got better at describing things in general. Next step is being better with plot and tightening up the language a little more >:) Most of the changes, I think, were sentence style and how I handled dialogue, which is usually harder for me.
Q: Artists: did you learn any new techniques that you plan to practice or improve on any you've been trying to learn?
Souly: Oh yeah, I learned doing flats as I go with lines actually speeds up the process slightly... I practiced a different lighting technique that I never did end up going with but I kinda figured out what I need to do to make it work. It sadly just didn't work with how I set up this pic.
madi: Oooo nice, linework is Intimidating but you made it look easy.
guac: I am just glad to force myself to make stuff. Glad to be here. Thought my drawing of bodies got better (thanks Black Star).
madi: Y'all don't understand the sound I made when I saw guac drew the apron.
Souly: That Blackstar pic is my fave.
Q: WHAT'S NEXT, everybody? ;D
madi: >;) well, I have a secret project that I thought of last year that I am not yet sure will be a Resbang or a chaptered dealio, so I want to pick at that. Then I have a chaptered Star vs the Forces of Evil fic I need to update, and I owe Pip [ @paperypiper ] like two or three Noragami fluff pieces, and SILLY’S BDAY SMUT. Which will proabbly be like a whole year late but whatever I’m sorry, I will try to make it extra spicy.
Souly: I'm signing up for a few zines! I'm currently waiting for them to open apps but I'm looking at an Enstars zine, FMA tarot project, and some YOI zines. I was also recently in the Soul Eater reversal zine that just closed preorders the other day so I'm waiting to be able to post my piece :0
guac: I'm arting for the BNHA big bang and mostly consumed by school. Who knows what will happen next! There's a little pop punk lyrics + anime project I'm working on so maybe I'll show it to the world someday soon. We will see.
madi: OH YEAH I’m writing for that bang too! AND GUAC GOT ME AS AN ARTIST. It's the ultimate resonance.
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https://www.facebook.com/104057744428568/posts/156998459134496/?sfnsn=mo&d=n&vh=e
Fucking told him its a huge red flag if someone doesn't get rid of their apps. Multiple apps. Smh 😠 "oh yea i don't use them anymore" proceeds to use fb dating app" for real come on bro!
Some comments of the post:
"If you have to be checking up on your Partner then you shouldn't be with that person.. Idk how people have time for all this .. love yourself and know your worth.."
"If you're in a serious committed exclusive relationship you should not be on tinder. That's how I met my fiance and as soon as we said we are gf and bf and exclusive we both deleted it. Honestly if I was her I would have broken up with him too"
"a person also has a right to trust their gut feeling and check things out if something's not feeling right. Knowledge is power"
I've already discussed this but this news clip further validates my point of the topic, nothing more. I could call him out on hs bs further with detail, but I won't....yet, out of respect even though he probably doesn't deserve it. Til he reaches me & apologizes for everything he's done, i can say whatever tf I want & i could make a whole damn list.
Its the events of this what happened that started our downfall to begin with cuz i didn't trust him & he didn't even try to gain it back just left it as is when I could've turned my back right then & there, no apology either. Didnt apologize much actually, not even when i last saw him. But from then we spiraled & he got bored of me. I wasn't giving him what he wanted in whatever way & he wanted to find more. Closed himself off from the beginning & that created his boredom 😒
Would've had a blast together like a normal fucking couple if he was less closed off, & wouldn't have felt the need to do shit behind my back.
I'll stop talking about it for now, I have the anger & urge to keep going but I wont...actually no Screw it im pissed 😡 but ill keep it light. Its just not fair, I did so much for him but I was disrespected in different aspects of the whole relationship. Fuck! I've talked about the positives alot cuz i do love him..but the negatives are such bs too.
I want a good ass sincere apology for all of it so I can forgive him & move on, ive already apologized myself even though I dont think I should have to 😒. Didnt even give me a straight answer for the breakup, it was always a different excuse when I know he just wanted to pursue other women without me around im not fucking stupid. His own toxicity was too much even for himself & I was in the line of fire, to where i was the toxic one? No fuck that its unacceptable, he always lied when it came to covering his own ass.
For all i know he's watching me squirm & taking pleasure in all the pain I'm going through over him cuz he likes the attention. But no I actually don't think so on that one he's still good & ill give him credit where its due. But I gave him all the attention he wanted/needed & still wanted more from someone else. Really dude fucking really!?
Man up & own up to your mistakes, speak to me where I can actually hear ur voice speaking back to me with sincerity. We'll apologize together. Yea ull be pissed about this, but after u get over it & calm down. Give in & call me, granted when ur ready, & open up for once in your damn reserved life. Itll help us both with more closure & may even take a weight off our shoulders if we just talk it out, no arguing...since we're done there's no point anyway..a friendly non judgment zone cuz idc, i won't think of u any less.
U confused me during & especially after the relationship cuz i didnt know who u really were, i know the good cuz that's what u allowed me to see, ive accepted the bad that I knew already & from what ive learned...i accepted u regardless.
I always forgave u & not cuz im passive, cuz forgiveness is what the Bible teaches.. ive forgiven u & myself the best i could especially with the last things ive showed u, (accept this part cuz im pissed rn & standing up for myself, ill delete eventually maybe if u ask cuz nobody wants to be seen any less of a person. but I can make it alot worse, calling me the mistake was the worst thing u ever said to me & pointing out your faults so u can be better throughout the relationship was my only toxicity to u) we actually never really fought except the 1 time, just argued a tiny bit rarely about little things.
Ive tried using every ounce of my courage to show u how much im sorry for any wrong ive done. but its up to u now to make things right. U know me, ive always said that u can talk to me about anything. I want to be able to trust again & move on whilst staying friends. What else do u have to lose, might even have a great heart to heart convo dude to dudet
Everything ive ever said up to this point lies all my Questions. But here's most of the list, we both were equally in control of the relationship. Maybe u didn't want me to? But doing everything I had to for myself & the household, what u & ur parents wanted of me & just me being me cuz i had to, u had your own part to play & did provide...but did u actually not want me to cater to u if it were a sign u were lazy or something? Like did u not feel worthy of me? What is it u think is my "addicting personality" that isn't fixable on the surface? What is it really that u didnt like about me? This is why i don't have closure, u left me like this, confused as well as wanting more since u held back so much. Was that on purpose to give me even more false hope & want me to pine over u? Did u ever or do u still, love me at all? What did u want from me & out of the relationship, what was the purpose of it from ur perspective & why do u think i couldn't give that to u? What did i lack that u felt compelled to not tell me so I could improve & vise versa so we both could improve? Why wouldn't u allow me to help u become a better man when (I shouldnt have to btw), its exactly what u wanted but maybe didnt see it? Do u realize your own faults even as u do them? Lol. Like i genuinely want to know as much as the good ive seen, cuz to be better the more open of a person u are the more u understand yourself too.
Unless claiming u want to be a better man is part of ur alluring charm in love bombing process to land a caring girl on purpose lol...god I hope not, that would just mean u rinse & repeat like a for real narcissist 🤔 seriously tho look into that im not even kidding, im asking cuz i care. Im pissed now but 1 thing is that im trying to not put ur behavior against u cuz maybe u can't help it, its just the way u are, all ive seen & experienced points to maybe 50% of u lol. Ive always suspected narcissism, a real psych problem that might be worth looking into. But yea 1 of the reasons especially why im so forgiving & trying not to put it against u, why i still care despite u being a dick lol. I chose to look past it, all the time & up to now cuz I understand what its like to have psychological ailments. The worst part about it is most dont realize it, so i encourage u to do some research & self reflection & admitting it to urself are the 1st steps. Okay? There's different kinds & levels to being 1 too, i found that fascinating. bryan is definitely a different type, ur more lighter than that...definitely not the worst which is the physical harm type. Trust me its worth finding out more about yourself, just dont use it to ur advantage in a bad way but i trust u to do right & grow. Not sure a discarded supply (ie me) has ever tried telling a narcy what they might be for the benefit of their own self awareness 🤔,idk if its ever been done, but theres a 1st for everything? U can find alot on it in quora digest alone but Google is also ur friend.
You always were worth every effort of mine to help u in any way to be happy, & i was most happy when u were. U mean alot to me still, its the effect u had on me, I was under ur spell lol its hard to rid myself of it still, not sure when it'll pass. I chose to see it as a gift rather than a curse, that ur effect on me is still so strong when I shouldn't give a damn. If u really are a narcy, then I understand & don't put alot against u cuz its just the way u are & i need to accept it, but if it somehow helps u to help yourself cuz of it, then whats the harm? But, even in doing this or having my socials public for u...maybe just feeds into what u want...i still dont care, I want u to see how bad or good im doing without u in my life, so u know im okay at least. U promised friendship, least I can do is allow u to keep tabs on me too we spoke of, on my end of things.
The 18th of June was the last time i saw u. It'll soon be a month ago in about a week & a 1/2 & your birthday would mark 2 months. Cant believe we couldn't even last through to that 😔
Mark my words playa I will be contacting u on that day lol. Can't ghost your homie forever sweetie
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Equilibrium is blowing my mind 😮😮😮 I never expected jungkook to suddenly turn into some possessive psycho jerk 😨😨 I really hope he gets his shit together. What the flying f*ck 😱😱😱 In fact It'd be cool if Jin suddenly showed up with food and The OC leaves that chaotic relationship for food 😂😂😂😂 EVRYONE WOULD PICK FOOD OVER RELATIONSHIPS. right ? Am i the only one lol *cries*
AHHHH THANK YOU AND EVERYONE ELSE FOR THEIR LOVELY ASKS!!! IT’S GOOD TO KNOW THAT PEOPLE CAN HAVE HEALTHY, NON-PROBLEMATIC REACTIONS TO GROSS, CONTROLLING MEN!
Anonymous said:Sorry for being late to the party lol, but I just read the new update of Equilibrium and I felt so fucking anxious and scared for the oc. I don't know how in the hell, some ppl find jungkook's actions hot when he is literally being psychotic and obsessive. Especially the part when he told her 'You'll regret it', he's basically threatening her there. It's obvious the whole relationship they have is toxic af and it only seems to be getting worse as time passes. Apart from that, have a nice day!
Anonymous said:OMG EQUILIBRIUM 11 Omg I still have goosebumps, like Jungkook was being so fucking possessive it scared the shit out of me. Even tho It was a shitty move for the oc to not attend his graduation, she still could had attended but that phone call... I don't want this to turn into some creepy murdering fanfic LOL. Ughhh Jungkook what is even going in your mind? I'll be looking forward to the next chapter! xx :)
Anonymous said:Dude, you did such a great job at writing o/c's anxiety in this chapter. I try not to be bias toward her, but it's really hard since the story us in her pov. I got seriously grossed out by JK, man. I was so uncomfortable with the whole morning ordeal. 😩 And his threat at the end?? I know it's a story, but I had my friend-instincts kick in and I just wanted to shake her and be like "PLEASE LEAVE THIS RN PLEASE" (1)
Anonymous said:(2) And I'm curious about how Jimin would react if he knew how JK was acting. He has this idea that JK is a perfect boy, but if only he knew...But, at the same time, they all have this distorted view of one another, huh? We see Jimin as Mr. Perfect cause that's how o/c sees him. I guess it goes into that whole "unreliable narrator" thing? I'm just writing what thoughts the chapter has provoked. I absolutely love how u pay attention to detail in this story!! Awesome job as usual, mane 😊🙆
Anonymous said:Jungkook needs to take a moment to realize how miserable and uncomfortable the OC is like my goodness. Things have gone waaaaaay downhill. Especially for the OC. Also Jungkook actions are just kind of creepy??? And just like so unhealthy. I know it can be really hard to get out of a relationship, and she still loves Jimin and all, but the OC needs to just get out of there.
Anonymous said:omg jk is becoming such a possessive creep like reading the last part gave me chills tbh. they all need to realize that this relationship is v toxic and dip out of it. i kind of expected this to become what it is from the beginning but you still added twists to it that caught me off guard, thanks for being a great writer lu
Anonymous said:oh man that last chapter. just really fucking scary.... i went back and reread the end of ch.10 to recap and it makes me wonder how far y/n's willing to go for what's "worth it" in exchange for her own personal well being. because fuck, what jungkook is exhibiting is extremely concerning. as always your writing is amazing! thank you for using your free time this way, i'm sorry people are being gross and rude. you don't deserve that kinda shit, lu :(
Anonymous said:I genuinely love how you describe the OC as a trapped bird, and seeing how Jungkook reacted to everything is actually causing me to fear for the OC's well-being. I just want her to exist the whole relationship and just hook up with sunshine, can do no wrong hobi instead of the possessive junglecock and the passive Jimin :/ just my thoughts. But you're an extremely talented writer and your PhD is more important than smutty fanfic, so take all the time you need
Anonymous said:Ok first of all what the hell at ppl asking u for quick updates cuz ive lived with phd students they literally have a never ending to do list and im so amazed at ur ability to find time to write unbelievable. U go girl. And 2ndly, the claustraphobia u mentioned that oc was feeling. That was so detailed and even i felt like i was in her place. And jk..uve characterized his possessiveness so well and i got so mad forgetting this was a fictional character i was ready to throw a chair
Anonymous said:eek jungkook is making the equilibrium relationship so unhealthy somebody punch him
Anonymous said:Jungkook makes me so uncomfortable and I can actually feel the claustrophobia that OC feels .-. Overall, really excited for the next parts and can't wait to reread to see if I can find more theories. Thanks for the new chapter!
Anonymous said:ch 11... HOLY FUCK SHE NEED TO GET OUT JK IS LOONEY!! you really know how to make a story really good dude. super excited for updates!! i'm really curious about jimin's thought process about all of this. you've given a really good insight on kook and oc but jimin is still a little hard for me to figure out, i assume that's coming soon? i feel for oc, i want to protect her and tell her she's stronger and smarter than all of this. she's worth more than all of this craziness!!! GIRL POWER!! lol
Anonymous said:Holy fucking shit everything is so messed up in equilibrium like !! I love it and at the same time i cry because of the way you describe the oc's feelings I SWEAR I CAN FEEL IT TOO HOW DO YOU DO THAT? I can feel everything, my heart is pounding so fast now. Im so into it and i just want her to run away from this toxic relationship and take care of herself first like i know she loves jimin to the core but she is more important my heart clenches at every exquisite word you writE THANK YOU SO MUCH
Anonymous said:The story is really great I love how original your writing is I don't even see the characters as Jm an jk Which allows me to see how disgusting they all let themselves be treated in the relationship, a lot of the times I feel like readers are blinded by the image of an idol it changes their perspective honestly even if it was just one person who was lying about loving the other it would still be just as horrible I'm really curious as to what's even going on and how you are going to continue it❤️
ahmie-cat said:I feel so sad for the oc in equilibrium. Jungkook don't own nobody! How dare he claim ownership on the oc! I will fight him any day! I'll fight for the oc's freedom rights. Lols, just kidding... But really all of the characters are so sad...
Anonymous said:Honestly in the earlier chapters i really liked Jungkook but now hes just scaring me. The way the OC reacts to all his actions is so relatable thats exaclty how I would feel in her situation. This is crazy I dont even know how this fic would end I love it so much
Anonymous said:I was the anon who recommended you watch wfkbj and I'm so glad you like it!! :) ALSO the latest chapter of equilibrium was so good oh my god;; it's just ramping up like tenfold and while I was reading it sometimes I just had to stop and take a breather bc of all the tension lol. Honestly I don't even know how the oc is dealing with jungkook rn bc his behavior would chill me to the very bone I would have to get out !!! Anyways as always thank you for updating
Anonymous said:ah goodness, it was autocorrect that changed jungkook to jongkook! maybe next time i'll just use jinglebook to refer to him instead thens ahahahah. "goodness gracious, jinglebook is hella possessive that i'm actually really scared for y/n :s"
Anonymous said:GIRL THANK YOU FOR UPDATING OMG IM SHAKING IN MY CHANKLAS JUNGKOOK IS SO DELUSIONAL AND I WISHED OC WOULDVE BEEN STRAIGHT UP WITH HIM AND LIKE IDK NOT MILK ON HIS CRAZYNESS IM JUST SO ANXIOUS TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS NEXT SORRY FOR TYPING IN CAPS
Anonymous said:So, uh. Equilibrium Jungkook is fucking terrifying....
Anonymous said:I hope the oc in equilibrium leaves the relationship. It's so unhealthy and I feel like she might develop some type of mental illness or just be very stressed and anxious if she continues the relationship.... It's just a fanfic, but man, i'd hate to be in her position... I feel like crying Lols. Is this what you intended?? Haha.... It's really good so far I'm looking forward to what happens next. I feel like there'll be a good moral to the story. *Fingers crossing.
Anonymous said:Damn wtf jungkook behavior is freaking me out 😳 "you'll regret it" like wtf crazy people say shit like that
Anonymous said:jkzldlzlldz TF IS HAPPENING I'M SO CONFUSED JK IS CRAZY WTF OMG
Anonymous said:the characters in equilibrium seem to have never been in an actual proper relationship so the fact that they seem to have lasted this long is by sheer miracle. It's also probably why their worst aspects are even more apparent like jk's obsessiveness (which btw yikes boy yikesss) they literally all need to walk far far away from each other cause they a mess but I do wonder who's gonna be the first to do it cause it's all so complicated now, sorry for rambling I just love this fic so much!!
Anonymous said:What the ever loving monkey fuck is wrong with Jungkook. See, i was okay with him being jealous of Jimin because that's normal. I was moderately okay with OC agreeing to Jungkook's terms because she wants to stay with Jimin. I AM NOT OKAY with his sociopathic tendencies and how obsessive he's become. I think he's mistaken OCs genuine kindness for romantic interest at one point. And the thing that scares me the most is how Jimin seems to have no idea what's going on right under his nose as well
Anonymous said:Bruhhhh jungkook is legit fucking scary but the story itself is amazing and complex im gonna reread it right now
Anonymous said:Equilibrium is getting really interesting!! I'm kinda worried tht ppl read sentences like "Even a domesticated pet needs a taste of freedom" in context with her just /looking/ at jimin and think 'oh how romantic' tho. In every scene between her and jk u can practically feel her discomfort and fear and his possessiveness and how he's abusing her. I would normally stop reading a fic like tht bc I don't like it when the ppl are written like that bc they are real after all but I'm super hooked (1/2)
Anonymous said:(2/2)now and I am also really curious as to if and how they all are gonna get out of that situation or if jk kills her before they can just bc she takes care of a literally puking-everywhere-bedridden jimin. I'm also curious how Jimin is gonna act towards y/n now that they're alone and if he even noticed the toxic stuff that's happening between her and jk or if he didn't even notice bc jk kept him "happy" (idk how else to put it) so yeah. Keep up the great work!! Have a nice day xx
Anonymous said:GURL YOU NEED TO RUN FAST AND YOU NEED TO RUN FAR. It sucks that Jimin doesn't like OC romantically, but he's just using you to stay with JK. But JK... that shit is gonna hit the roof soon soon and it ain't gonna be pretty @.@
Anonymous said:Hey Lu, thanks for taking the time to update again~ Regarding the story...Jungkook is incredibly terrifying, like I had to step away a few times as I read because I just want the reader to leave so badly. I wish she would just be like "peace out". Everyone should just leave this situation and say "peace out". Even though I know the feelings are so complicated between all of them, it's just such a shit show on fire :( . Well done on setting everything up though. The tension is insane!
Anonymous said:Ugh I honestly want to slap Jungkook so hard. Possessive little shit.. As always your writing is amazing. Thank you for the update.
Anonymous said:OC, JIMINS DICK ISNT WORTH AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP GTFO THAT SITUATION GIRL IM SCREAMING
Anonymous said:JEONS FUCKED IN THE HEAD. HE WAS CUTE AND ALL AT FIRST BUT THEN IDK GIRL, I FEEL SORRY FOR JIMIN AND OC. I DONT EVEN KNOW WHATS HAPPENING ALL I KNOW IS I LOVE THIS AND I CERTAINLY LOVE YOU! IS HE PSYCHOTIC THO? FEELS LIKE JEON WOULD KILL ANYONE WHO DARE TO TOUCH OC..
mirajoey said:MY GAWDD!! Jeon Jungkook has gone mad😱 i pray for oc's safety
Anonymous said:i am terrified by jungkook's actions and NOTHING in this whole damn world is going to excuse what he is saying and doing in equilibrium. WHERE IS YOONGI DITCH THEM ALL Y/N AND GO FOR YOONGI. and today, i have been going through some really misogynic shit today and it felt so freaking uncomfortable and i was so angry and kind of frightened...i do not know how y/n is able to act like a normal person with jungkook around who is being very possessive and psycho-like
Anonymous said:When I first saw you updated Equilibrium I almost yelled "IMMA BUST MY LEFT NUT" (I was really excited lol) and now I'm lying here in a puddle of emotion really scared for the OC lol. I adore your writing so much, thank you for writing these xx
Anonymous said:JEON YOU CREEP. Man this is all such a disaster BUT I LOVE TO WATCH THE DRAMA UNFOLD. Anyways it was a great chapter and I am so e x c i t e for the next part to start. You da best 😆
Anonymous said:This is what your writing does to people, this is literally the only time I've ever dislike Jungkook that much in a fic. I wanted the OC and Jungkook together, but now I really thing all 3 should go their separate ways. Jungkook's possessiveness is getting too much, it's too obsessive. I feel sorry for her, but at the same time her own fault as well. As for Jimin who knows he may not be as oblivious as we think ?! He is using the OC to get with Jungkook in the first place.
Anonymous said:Equilibrium OC should just pack her fckin' bags there is no happy way out of this one
Anonymous said:(1/3) Right before I read this I watched this British PSA music video about abusive relationships, where a pregnant woman was choked to death by her boyfriend as she was trying to leave him and I feel like these people who romanticize these types of relationships forgot that this actually happens IRL. This happens to real women and men and some of them don't make it out alive. And when they try to defend it by saying "it's just a story, it's not real" it's very real for some people.
Anonymous said:(2/3) And the fact that the OC is having trouble sleeping and feeling this anxiety. And the that Jungkook didn't fell any sympathy/empathy for Jimin while he was ill, it just doesn't sit well with me. And the OC isn't innocent either. So afraid to shatter what's left of the already crumbling illusion she's built up. The need to keep the fantasy of this relationship with Jimin that I'm not sure existed outside of her mind. I really do enjoy this story and how you portray the characters.
Anonymous said:(3/3) The isolated relationships between the three of them is very realistic. I've seen some of my close friends go through similar situations. And it's hard to get out once you're in.Anonymous said:I cant believe anyone in their right mind is sympathizing with Jungkook in Equilibrium?! The way he is with Y/N makes me so uncomfortable, esp with his “You’re all mine” crap and being so “in love” with her when all he wants is to have her under his control even tho he thinks it’s love. Jimin too, the way he’s down to have Y/N in the relationship since JK wants her but she wants Jimin.. also I’m glad ur fanfics exist since they can give some girls a perspective on what’s NOT okay and NOT love
Anonymous said:' And if I find out you let someone else touch what's mine... you'll regret it' - I kept on reading this over and over but each time it makes me cringe more, the fact that he constantly calls her 'mine' is so fucking off, like as a kookier Stan in rl , I felt really bad for jungkook but now I find it so hard, this relationship is taking a big twist that I did not see coming and it's getting abusive real quick.
Anonymous said:(Cont last) I stood firm in my decision. On the last day that we talked, he finally understood why. It was only then he realized his mistakes, only then did he cry & apologize for everything. He tried to convince me to give him a chance but the time for that has already passed. We are officially over. I loved the guy, you know? and deep down, I know there's good in there. But I can't risk my heart and soul anymore. I'm sorry this has gone out of topic, I just needed to get it off my chest.
Anonymous said:(Cont.) When he got mad at me for one minor thing, he will accuse me of cheating and call me demeaning words. Our relationship was always on his terms. I was always the one apologizing & making an effort to make him happy. I paid for all our dates. Just wow, I'm stupid. After a fight early Feb, I got tired of it all. I broke up with him and that process took 7 fucking days in which he tried to convince that my reasoning was wrong and that he was right. My gut feeling was telling me to leave.
Anonymous said:just finished reading ch 11... yikes. like YIKES. oh my, I'm honestly very worried and scared for the oc. reading it actually made me anxious and nervous lol. that relationship is a nightmare oh sweetie no, she needs to leave asap
Anonymous said:(Cont. Part 3) I felt caged. I always had to inform where I was, who I'm with, are there guys going to be at the event I'm going to. If there were guys, he didn't want me to go. I couldn't even get a regular update from him where he was and couldn't check on his phone. As I said, I was being stupid. I tolerated all of his bullshit. When you're in an abusive relationship, you won't realize it immediately. He'll come off sweet and only wanting to protect you and your relationship.
Anonymous said:(Cont. Part 2) to the red flags he showed early in the relationship. He didn't want to me talk to any guy who wasn't a family and asked me to delete all the guys in my Facebook account. Stupid me did so because I believed him when he said that "It's not because I don't trust you, it's because I don't trust the people around you." I stayed loyal to him but he was always paranoid that I was cheating on him. When we broke up, I learned he was talking to lots of girls that's why he was so paranoid.
Anonymous said:I got curious and read Equilibrium. All I can say is whoa! The anxiety and fear that I felt was so visceral; it made me fill ill. I've recently broken up with my ex, who was like that - subtly emotionally and mentally abusive. I am fairly young, naive, and inexperienced in relationships. I had a low self-esteem. Growing up I felt that I was unattractive and no one would like me. He was the first guy to really pursue me and I guess I was so hungry for love and affection that I turned a blind eye
Anonymous said:oc's anxiety is getting worst in equal... 😞 i hope she gets out soon. i agree, SEND IN MAMA JIN! lol kook is getting crazier each chapter i'm getting scared for her well being 😟☹️😦. SHES WORTH MORE THAN THIS CRAZINESS!! 💔 side note, thank you for sticking to it, i know it's not easy. and thank you for updating. i always look forward to your work ❤
withlove-sydney said:Tbh I was worried that this story was gonna take a disturbing turn after jk revealed that he was purposely trying to keep jimin away in chpt 10 and this chapter just confirmed how toxic he is. I agree with that other person tho I'm glad that you're the one writing this because I trust that you won't try to romanticize this at all. My ex was really possessive like jk and its not cute or sexy at all. I ended up so scared of him and when I see similar things in fics it gives me chills...
btsninetyfiveline said:I just want to say thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for the relationship you're portraying in Equilibrium! It's soooooooo important to have stories that show abuse and possessiveness in an unhealthy light! I'm so tired of these "you looked at another guy for 5 seconds in the club so now I'm gonna take you home and show you who you 'belong' to" narratives. It's so important to address and educate young girls on signs of an emotionally manipulative relationship! 💕
Anonymous said:Hi Lu :) how are you? I love how you put out your stories unexpectedly, its always a pleasant surprise. Chapter 11 is so well-written (like all your work ofc).You set up the suffocating atmosphere perfectly with images and metaphors, like Oc's suffer is so real. I am really concerned about oc's mental health... in this chapter we see that she isn't in a good place and I am scared of what is yet to come. Thank you for your hard work. xo
Anonymous said:After reading chap 11, i feel so bad for the oc. Even reading about jk's possessiveness/threats makes me feel suffocated ;-; Though I'm excited for what's going to happen after he leaves for his trip hmm.... once again thank you for the update, Lu! :-) I'm really loving the pace of the story so far.
anonymouspseudonymous said:There's this anon that said "this ain't your ordinary fic where they all compromise and be happy" and i cannot agree more. Although, even if I get it that people hate JK for being cray, you have to punch Jimin as well hahaha idk man this is fucked
Anonymous said:I'm reading ch11 of equilibrium and the part where she wants to touch jimins face but jungkook has a tight grip on her wrist restricting her from doing so is so symbolic of their relationship and how she wants jimin so badly but jungkook is holding her back from him almost keeping her hostage in a way. Anyways I really enjoyed this part it gave me goosebumps so thank you for sharing your work with us even though you don't have to! You owe us nothing so I appreciate everything you give us💓💞💖💕
Anonymous said:I'm glad you don't tolerate the bullshit that jungkook isnt as bad as the protagnonist. People need to hear that that shit is toxic and manipulative. People are brainwashed into thinking it's romantic and okay. When it's absolutely not. No the protagonist isn't free of fault but she isn't being obsessively creepy.
Anonymous said:I think people tend to gloss over the fact that it IS an obsession (unhealthy and actually rather terrifying) and not actual "love" because they like the idea of someone doing anything to stay with them. But even in wanting to stay with someone, there have to be limits. You shouldn't end up losing yourself to someone if they want you as a person, not as just an object or a way to get what they want. There is a line between devotion and obsession, and people seem to ignore that all too often.
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Ppl thinking oliver queen would have been better - liked/treated/his issues better respected - by fandom, if he had been a woman has me laughing at the… is it called paradox? Blatant nontruth of the statement?
Here are some easy examples of how this is not so:
Laurel lance (lol most heatedly hated character of arrow for a myriad for reasons, at least half of them sexist bullshit the other ¼ shipper bullshit; had some shit writing which is always taken as a character trait and for which SHE is blamed for; had a depression arc, is an addict, after all the times shes been kidnapped abused and beaten probably has some form of lingering effect from all the… u know… trauma + the emotional upheaval that has been her life for the last 10 years. And yet - still loathed and her issues are negated and belittled at every turn. Always misinterpreted, rarely afforded the luxury of viewer empathy; favorite fandom strawoman usually)
Sara lance (ptsd from all the fucked up shit the league put her through amd that she went through before that, which was very visible when she was on arrow. Probably dealt with some for of sexual harassment/threats of violence/violence when she was on the Amazo, which we never explicitly saw thank god. A good portion of Olicity fans dispise her cause ship reasons, same with lauriver fans. Who is the REAL black canary discourse is still going strong btw, which inevitably generates hate on either of the lance sisters side. Saras bisexuality is constantly erased or denied or treated as sth tintillating for the straight male gaze; she is slutshamed at every corner; ppl hardly can be bothered to remember that she was actually suicidal at one point, that she thought she was not worthy of love or capable of love or of being with someone - HUGE CHARACTER MOMENT HERE - when she broke up with oliver usually dismissed/forgotten cause felicity walks in the room so most of the olicity fandom - big portion of arrow fandom - 9 times out of 10 doesnt bother to remember that sara was talking about herself here)
- yes shipper tendencies matter, they shape character perceptions.
Bonus: thea queen (neglected by her mother, abused physically and emotionally by her monster father, has some serious issues with violence, probably ptsd-related avoidance for it, the mask, her old life. Has utterly detatched from a whole side of her personality and history, something that was intrinsic to her for 2 years, and yet nobody sees that as eyebrow-raising worthy for some reason cause that is what a tots normal person would do. The almost oliver-like split of the sides of her life/personality is mentione…. how many times in fandom? The metas are where? Maybe ive just missed them. Okay.
Oh i almost forgot - was stabbed and just about died. But she got over that, right? Which has nothing to do with the bloodlust, by the way. Thats from the Pit. Trauma outlasts the bloodlust. And yet whenever she displays behaviour that is consistent with some kind of post-traumautic symptoms/behaviour… she is bitchy or ungrateful or whiny or being a child again. Literally do not know how to go on with this one)
Extra bonus: felicity smoak. How much felicity’s trauma was aknowleged = she has all kinds of traumatic shit happen to her, including but not limited to near-death experinces, and yet the effect this had on her is nearly nonexistent in big fandom spaces. Sunshine felicity yay! Supporting and taking care of oliver. Yay. Always the light to guide his way. Untarnished. Y. A. Y. (Feel my burning enthusiasm for this interpretation. But thats my preference and of no consequence here.) And the moment it was “officially” aknowleged that a ptsd arc would be explored with her (which is, imo, still a euphemism, or a gross misusage of this very serious illness /that they cant be bothered to portray right on a woman/) - the same ppl that say ‘olivers mental illness is disrespected cause he is male’ were all about (paraphrasing here) “olivers LONG LASTING and X YEAR LONG ptsd is as valid as felicitys NEWLY CONCOCTED/FRESHLY CREATED ptsd”
…somehow managing to insult the both of them and imply that the years one lives with an illness give u a sort of precedence and ‘elder card’ in the club. ‘Empathy should go first HERE where its mooore…’ more what? I just dont know how to continue this. needed? Valid? I dont know man.
I mean, by works of logic the obvious non-truth of the beginning statement of this post is encapsulated by this last example. But lets be thorough.
Look there are layers. Olivers character deals with shit writing sometimes and horrifying demonisation of his mental illness FROM THE WRITERS OF HIS OWN SHOW. And there is a shitton of ableism in fandom about him.
But if he’d been a woman… my dude… my guy… my pal…. experience shows fandom generally, not as separate ppl but as a block unit, (fandom currents? Fandom tendencies?) have *lower* empathy for women and their narratives (e.i. a lot **less** 29596k word metas about why he does the things he does, trying to explain away the writing holes would be floating around). Lower patience for their fuckups. Lower imagination for their inner lives and even lower willingness to search them out. The show itself would have a lower interest in exploring these issues, as they have shown it to be the tendency with female characters.
Oliver queen is human, he fucks up, he has a deep inner life and his trauma has far reaching shockwaves. All those are characteristics we assume him to have, as default, cause hes a WHITE MALE presented as straight. Who has to contend with bullshit ableism, sure, and fandome expectations colored by toxic masculinity, which canon doesnt even support. But he would have faaaar more prejudices to contend with if he were female. All those assumptions - of hidden logical reasons, depths, triggers etc - up there wouldnt even go halfway if hed been a woman, or not white or, god forbit, a woman of color.
(Dude can u imagine the shitstorm of slutshaming that would hit a female!oliver for sleeping with a *fraction* of the number of ppl oliver has slept with??? In canon he has always had emotional ties or reasons for sleeping with every single one of his partners whether fandom likes it or not, and STILL he is called a manwhore, as if he only thinks with his dick. Even oliver isnt afforded brains and emotions when it comes to sexual agency. It baffles me.
But im willing to bet that it would be worse if he were a woman because the reason for dumbing him down would go from ‘i want to belittle all these other relationships he has so that THIS ONE SHIP shines thru’, to straight up sexism and womens agency over their bodies and emotions. Case in point ppl were calling felicity a plethora of disgusting epithets for sleeping with ray (ONE MAN) when she was a FREE BEING WITH AN INDEPENDENT WILL tied to !!!nobody but herself!!!, just cause she didnt plant olivers name on her ladyparts from the moment she first saw him. (Lets also admit that shipper reasons are present here too but the difference is that in olivers case, his sexing up other ppl lowers olicity’s value cause hes not devoted enough and whatnot. In felicitys case, her sexing up other ppl lowers *felicity’s* ‘value’ because… do i rly need to explain why here? Hint - It ties back to the ‘pure felicity oliver’s light’ argument and the dehumanization of her character by making her the literal object of olivers salvation and therefore nullifying/ridiculing her choices if they make her path deviate from olivers.) Ppl are saying Laurel would be betraying tommys memory by loving oliver still - TOMMYS MEMORY. a man whos been dead for *four years* matters more than a live womans feelings. Just… christ…)
#personal#negativity#pure vitriol yes#ps: my personal stance is and will always be that all issues of everyone involved in an interaction are always valid#and they will always explain to u the reasosn for these actions#but these reasons - mental illness. abandonment. neglect all of them - will never justify the wreckage#a characyer or ppl cause#mentaly ill ppl are as responsable for the hurt they deal out as evetybody else and there are differnet ways to adapt to#each other when both or three pll or a family is made up of fucked up individuals#but in the end as long as the discussion progresses in a way that shows that wveryone matters#its gonna be okay#this is to say that i will never fu king stan for amy character ever because i have see it time and again that it blinds ppl#to the humnity of other characters and just overall doesnt make for a good writing or researching tecnique#it throws everyoing far out of balance#but i will alwas write for ppl whose stories are never told. because what is the point of not doing so#and seriously this post is pure wank#im not bitter. i say bitterly. with a bitter expression.
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The Comeback Kid
HELLO... It’s.Been.AGES.
I owe myself a hugeeee apology for not writing since mid 2017. The Year is now 2019 WOW. Kinda unreal, kinda exciting since welp 2018 was nottttt itttttt. BUT before we go let me recap– as much as I can– of where I left off.
Shortly after my last post (finishing off junior year) I went to Altanta (Suwanne) to stay with Tio Edwin + family WHILE I interned with Resolve Media Group ❤️❤️and it was honestly one of the most amazing yet ordinary taste of adulthood to this day! I first work on the LifeTime movie (Oscar Pistorious) for the first month which was a great learning experience and met some great people. After that, I worked more at Resolve and the amazing Chad, Will, and even Mac. And ofc Jay and Summer! I was an Office PA, Overall Set PA, and Art PA. And honestly though the hours were sometimes unbearably long, I was happy! I was in a grove, I enjoyed getting up and going to working and driving hours through Atlanta traffic everyday. I’m pretty sure I was at my lowest weight at the end of that summer and tan(ish) ugh I miss it a lot. BUT, God willing, I may be back there soon enough, doing what I love! Ahh and after I came back to NY, I went right to another one of my favorite places LONDON💙💙
London and abroad was something else and there’s no way I could write it all down but the best and worst of those memories I’ll never forget. From LIVING in a London flat to seeing my Dad in Barcelona, running away from the Florence police, looking for my phone off the train tracks of Italian campos, trying my first (and still only) gyro in Greece, birthday peeing in the streets of Budapest, living one of my absolute favorite fairytale lives in Amsterdam, and playing house and thinking I found the love of my life off a foreign tindr swipe 😂. Abroad was truly an amazing experience and I can’t wait to (because I definitely will!) go back for more adventures!
I came back to NY at the end of 2017... with a boyfriend lmao. Well at the time I would have been soooo gee and happy, I really thought I was part of that statistic of people who come back from abroad in a long distance relationship lol.... and then eventually go back and live happily ever after. But nope that didn’t happen but absolutely for the best. But i was really happy and you could tell, I just felt lighter and less mentally/emotionally strained like I had been with previous lovers. WHICH!! is so bad because I feel like that means I put too much emphasis on having romantic relationships in my life. But I think the switch was so different because I had been dealing with BS for so long... Nabil treated me better than anyone, spoiled me tbh, but also gave me more attention and affection than anyone had before... definitely the funnest sex lol, humor, music, and real conversation about real things... which also turned out to be the core of why he was definitely not the one aha... But back to emphasizing relationship, that’s really evident now especially because I haven’t dealt with anyone for almost a year but if I’m being honest it’s actually like 6 months (the devil never stops working haha), which is still long for me and honestly I wouldn’t have it any other way because my life right now has no room for any of that–literally. So that’s been fine... that was a secondary concern, ya know a lil heartbreak but a lot of more lessons learned about myself. And now I’m so used to not dealing with anything of that nature all together that it’s definitely not a priority coming into 2019. (OFC I get in my bag sometimes, think about an old ting, but none of that was ever going to be what I wanted it to)
Thank U, Next! lol no but to get into my biggest concerns this past year, has been about me. Specifically my future/career and what steps to take because now I absolutely have control on what’s next. Oh yeah I graduated college btw, which is the reason why I was (am) so lost because it’s not school! I mean it could be, but I really don’t think it’s necessary. That weighed on me heavy throughout the summer because I did eventually get an internship at NowThis Media, which is where I’m still freelancing at now, but I knew that wasn’t what I wanted to be doing long-term. Lmao yet here I am 🤦♀️but no honestly it’s not terrible, it’s great experience/for my resume and money is good enough for someone saving and not paying real bills rn (shoutout to my amazing mother 😭). I have a better plan now but things could change maybe if the position/MONEY is right but we’ll see. The plan is to go back to Atlanta, stay with family again, and see if it’s possible to do what I love and make a living out of it and officially move there. And to do that by the summer I need to start planning now but I’m trying to time everything out. SO there’s that.. I’m praying for the best 🙏🙏🙏
Last but not least, ME, mentally, physically, spiritually ME. Honestly coming out of the great year that was 2017 I thought I was on such a great path and I was but things happen aha... it wasn’t until after graduation that I started to get really sad because of of the whole ‘what am I going to do/what’s my calling’ but I thought it was pretty normal because it is for a lot of people. But I underestimated that sadness because it definitely got worse going into the Fall. I mean not 100% unbearable sadness like 2015 💆Thank God. But I had my moments, like just feeling lost and out of place, not enjoying my daily routine (inc. work, social media), car L’s of course 🙄, friendship tribulations, and just unfortunate events that have messed with my spirit and energy.
BUT! definitely some good outcomes... health wise: I joined a gym! and have gone at least 1-4 times a week ever since so that’s really good. An interesting/sus older man once told me to invest in yourself and I def have lol. Started being in control/paying for more ‘big girl things’ you could say. Learned to leave some things alone that needed to be left. Got closer to some of the more important people in my life. Went out a little more I think, which is deb(t)atably a good thing. A lots more reflection, which I think is where I’ve been lacking because I stopped writing and sorta lost a little sense of self. And I think I did embark on the self-love journey and work on my confidence and speaking up but I think I approached that as my main issues. And yes those are some but I believe I overlooked some other character issues. I was too focused on speaking up and being more out there but sometimes that gets me into worse situations. Sure, I need to speak out more but also I need to be more mindful about what I say and also about what and how much I share with people who are honestly not good for me and my inner peace. It’s a hard balance but that is something I’ll be tackling from now on. And learning it’s ok! to remove myself and not explain doing things that are good for me ( but also knowing when to let go of my pride sometimes). It’s all a balance that I have yet to master but I at least I am aware of it now. Following my gut and making sure internally that I’m good will be a good goal for the year.
So I guess I’m into goals now 🤗
- Use social media less, way less! I really think this is the source of some of my lost feeling because of the undeniable idea of comparison and blah blah but yeah I feel like I could be doing much more healthier things like reading again!
- Keep up my gym life, and try to do better when it comes to eating too.
-Really try out this Atlanta thing because it’s honestly very accessible and worth the try especially at 22, this is my time to following my dreams and take risks and be afraid but also be brave because my happiness short-term/long-term actually depends on it!
- The last big thing is really that inner peace thing, trusting my gut, being a better me and not something that isn’t me. Addressing my ‘toxicity’ and flaws to be a happier and healthier spirit.
- Oh and go out less meaning like lituations because honestly clubs, lounges, party functions are really not for me and I’ve accepted that but I think once I get my life together I will easily avoid those situations bc the fomo/desire to be with the people I care for really be putting me in situations I don’t enjoy lmao wasting so much money, when I can be with them and have fun in actually fun events.
- And write more duh!
Okay 🙂I think this post is long enough. A good ‘last time in Kiara’s life’ recap of the last ~18months. This is a good start to getting back to a healthier but even better me. I should also start writing down and keeping track of some of my goals. Hopefully through writing here but regardless still writing because I do believe this is a worthwhile, therapeutic outlet.
SO HERE’S TO 2019 🥂
A prosperous and happy life-changing year! I know big things things are coming. Having patience and facing my fears are really my determining factors of what the year will bring but I know can overcome them.
Until next time, which will be soon I promise!
#to health happiness and love#to a life changing year#to a better ME#we back in this bitch!#1/1/2019
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