I wanted "peace," to be left alone in my underground world. Real life oppressed me with its novelty so much that I could hardly breathe.

~ Fyodor Dostoevsky, Notes from Underground

"I was looked at,

but I wasn't seen."

Albert Camus, The misunderstanding.

-Franz Kafka, Letters to Felice

Joseph Brodsky, translated by Howard Moss, from a poem titled "I Sit By The Window,"

...and i've fallen back in love with you.

head up shoulders high and yet i still slouch the weight of burdened expectations seems to have worn me out -k.c.

Pilihlah dia yang sederhana, namun menjadikanmu istimewa. Dia yang bercanda hanya untuk melihatmu tertawa, namun serius membimbingmu menuju syurga. - Al-Habib Umar bin Hafidz

@ideascowok

Why is it parallel lines or perpendicular lines?

Why cant we be sin-cos graph lines?

'i only want what's best for you' you fuckin' dare to say? i'm the one you loved - yet never knew and it kills me everyday

-multasuntcausaebibendi (poem: "best for you Ⅰ")

“Writing a journal means that facing your ocean you are afraid to swim across it, so you attempt to drink it drop by drop.”

— George Sand

28th April 2024

I wish my longing could feel sweet and innocent. I read of people who love and miss and wait and I picture myself near a softly flowing body of water with an equally soft ache of want in my chest. I read of bittersweet reunions between the long-lost and how a single touch can reunite them both to themselves and to each other.

My longing is hostile and pugnacious; it feels like a blow to the chest, lacerations that litter the skin- it feels as if every vital organ has been moved or tampered with. My body cries out with the pain and discomfort of my heart migrating to my left ankle and my intestinal tract wrapping around my shoulders and neck. My skin doesn't feel right; something is tangibly wrong with my body, both inside and out. The longing has punctured and rearranged my body like a metal stick to prepare me for roasting. I sit and beg for the fire but it never comes. My body stands inert and alone until I can muster the strength to move everything back to where it belongs. The feelings of want, of longing, of yearning physically hurt- they leave me crying out in pain until I'm much too tired to writhe anymore. I sleep for 13 hours after but I always pray as my eyes close that I won't have to wake.

He told me last night that he can't give me what I want and I wailed the way I did 9 months ago when my ex left me without a word. I screamed out in pain at the feeling of merely wanting him and longing for him to turn around and hold me through it. I rocked back and forth hyperventilating and begged God to please, please kill me. Please kill me already, no human heart or body or soul can stand the feelings that such desires bring me. I daydream about missing him in a soft and palatable way. I dream of missing him tenderly while I tend to the rest of my life. I dream of leaving him now and watching over him like an angel for a few more years. My body is broken and I cannot love without wanting to kill myself and I cannot long without forceful submission to excruciating pain and never-ending impatience.

This line about how even the other gay people you find annoying or sell outs or who live their life in the exact opposite way you do are still part of the tribe was written in 1977 but should be plastered on the internet today

fatima aamer bilal, from i mother it the absence of her, iii. i am not a person that can be loved for a very long time excerpt from moony moonless sky.

i just hope that no matter how many times this world tries to harden me and turn me into a cold person, i hope i remain soft. may i still be compassionate. may i still be full of love. may i still be soft and sees hope in everything. and to never become something that once broke me.

wrote this one a while ago:

time passes slower without her without her laugh without her smile without her spirit to keep me wild i never laugh as hard when she's not there and when she is i have no breath to spare she's farther away now but her presence is still there and when i see her again i know i'll stare -k.c.