.
I thought that if I could make something beautiful, a piece of art, a haunting poem, if I could do something with all of this ugly stuff inside me, it would make the mess excusable. It would make the living in a bruised being, worth it.
.
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"You'll always be a woman"
No, I don't think that's true.
I never was one, and I don't mean that metaphorically.
I came out as trans when I was 14, I literally never became a woman.
But I do think part of me will always be a little girl.
People have asked me if I think of child me as a little boy who didn't know it.
And part of me thinks maybe In some ways.
I certainly mourn the boyhood I never really got. Look at my brother with odd envy.
But I truly did love being a little girl.
I loved my dolls, and dressing up in fancy dresses, and the connections I had with two other little girls who today I call my brothers.
When I think of the little girl I was, I hope she'd be proud of the man I've become.
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Are we what we do with time, or are we what time does with us?
— Mahmoud Darwish
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There exists an original of this poem that I might share some day <3 but for now it seemed meaningless against the above
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to be human is to create - dec.8 2023
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you left the door cracked as if you might come back
i don’t know how to stop waiting for you
-
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you were my third but the first
to steal my heart
for a butterfly's lifetime
no matter how many wingstrokes
there was no typhoon for us
only weak winds — still water
the dried butterfly wings
you left in exchange for my heart
can't seem to bear
all of this fear and tear
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ye khwab hai khushbu hai ki jhonka hai ki pal hai
ye dhund hai baadal hai ki saya hai ki tum ho
ye umr-e-gurezan kahin thehre to ye jaanun
har sans mein mujh ko yahi lagta hai ki tum ho
Ahmad Faraz احمد فراز
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"We are a tick on the skin of this sleeping beast. I know what we are. And we breed, raise, teach... Increase"
— Carolina Outcrop, "Woman"
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