Relapsing, Eclipsing and Reminiscing
I fear your return,
a terminal glistening of divinity;
I fear as the time I mourned resurfaces,
facing me face-to-face with that face of despair.
Kilometric peripherals,
an algorithm I beg to bend,
and no matter how much sunscreen I apply,
I just can't seem to leave my past.
If I could write to my past self,
I'd assure him:
the only narcissistic egomaniac
was the caricatures you'd come to know.
I can only try:
a Fahrenheit to Celsius,
a wannabe Plato,
a confused nomad as to why it's still my fault.
This eclipse was not beautiful,
it was a little script of lies, and discomfort,
to which I found
not even the sun loved me anymore.
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I am Second
I am a hearth first and a threshold second.
I am a fire first and an Irish exit second.
I emanate warmth at first, with one foot crossing the threshold from the first posed question-
I’m gone in a second.
I didn’t know what a hearth was,
Until I knew, that blood too creates a spectacle of art upon my face,
I know a fireplace does not insinuate a warm place,
and an audience doesn’t imitate the heart-to-heart I always chase.
Artists don’t know anything, except for how to create space
To perceive and be perceived;
I am an artist second, and first
A literary receptacle, or
A candlelit canticle, or
A memory semantical; I am
A digression indigestible.
I’m fascinated by perspective, popcorn and rare pennies,
My grandma’s orange lilies, and your lack of spatial awareness around me.
I named a garden after myself, and I damned every root and bud yet to bloom to Eternal Internal suffering.
I read aloud my words, then cleanse my teeth with antifreeze,
I bake inedible pastries for the sake of constant fleeting company.
Fringe jacket sleeves depict perfectly
my fear of touching what is forbidden, not realizing until it is too late.
I love Christmas, for I specialize in giving my gifts away recklessly
Abandoning myself,
And I am at home because I know how to do something right when I am second.
I still need permission to enter a room first, I beg for mercy over every mess I make.
I keep my blinds closed, wondering how to be perceived, comfortably.
I keep my door closed, wondering
Who will be the first to leave with the best of me?
If my words are my favorite part of me, then
What am I worth when they’re working against me?
I never wanted to become wild, when
I was seeking forgiveness before permission,
I was spoken to like a child as
My seeking acceptance gave way to remission.
I’m a teacher’s pet, and I’m not sorry for that.
I love learning and I hate being my biggest distraction.
I was a teacher’s pet until they introduced me to fractions.
I wanted to be a teacher until they all
Reduced me to a distraction wearing jean shorts.
They spoke their intentions, and
Eventually I learned to savor such adult attention.
Why do we keep pretending to care about intentions?
How they litter tainted, moral principle remnants?
I still don’t know if I have ever been a good friend.
I have yet to remember not to reach for bread and butter across the dinner table
When I eat with my elbows on the table, I think of my grandmother,
how I love her without needing anything from her,
how I have come to accept people that do not accept me.
Morally obligated intentions haunt my ancestry, but lightning struck my family tree.
It ends with me.
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there is silence in this heart.
the blood flows quietly. always gets quieter.
- as if to say "i'm not here" -
it has been like that for a very long time
- but not since forever
it used to whisper at night
when the nights weren't so
hollow
when the moon wasn't so
close -
there is silence in this heart.
pure / silence.
one might consider it holy.
and yet there is someone out here waiting,
waiting for the heart to sin again.
to do this terrible thing that is living
there is someone waiting
eyes closed
ears wide open
mouth chewing back the words "come back"
again and again
chewing so hard it bleeds
- the words are so fucking crimson -
and there will be no answer
because there is only silence in this heart.
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