#I meant to say. that’s a specific type of trauma. how did that happen how did I replace the word trauma with hunter. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

hxltic · 10 months

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ghost yellin pt. 2!! (and 2k followers. omg.)

(mention of blood n knives n stuff in here)

pt. 1~~~

It was still early in the morning when your puffy eyes blink open. Despite the mission that had your arrival around 3-ish in the morning, it was still the crack of dawn, which meant the start of your day, mission or not.

The warmth you had longed for encased you, but today, it felt unfamiliar.

You hadn’t forgotten about yesterday (or earlier today). And even though what happened upset you, you’d still wanted him, so you could feel the comfort your father never gave you after an argument. You’d never received a genuine apology from him, just an offer for new shoes or to go to your favorite restaurant that day.

Even in anguish after what he did, you still wanted his touch. Or that may have been what you thought, because now you were peeling his strong arms off you, and creeping to the bedside. You cautiously swing your legs over and slowly step to the door, but even though you were going unbelievably slow, the pain underneath your feet made you wince.

“Wait—”

There’s a gruff voice that your back is turned to, making you jump at the realization he was awake. You had been taught all your life to fight when your fight or flight response flickers, but he noticed how you almost bolted towards your room.

He had been awake the whole time. He’d vouched to himself he wouldn’t close his eyes until your breaths were regular again, but even after they had, he’d barely gotten any sleep. If he had tears left to cry, one would’ve slipped.

Whenever he did fall to the night, in any circumstance, his body physically would prevent him from staying such. He was a light sleeper to another extreme. His body was trained by none other than trauma and instinct. So when he felt you raising his arm, he’d awakened and watched you do everything silently.

He would’ve said something, but he didn’t know what. An apology would sound fake in this situation.

Ghost was a hands-on man, so he moved. His large body flipped the covers off him and hastily brought itself to you.

The last time you’d let him get close, he screamed in your face. You took an involuntary step back, but had you thought about it you probably would’ve taken it anyway. His quick steps pause.

He gazes into your frozen eyes, glistening and pretty even in upset, but underneath carrying fear and shock.

Seeing him, one side of you wanted to apologize for not taking your job seriously, even though you did, or say you were sorry for the other things he mentioned. And you may have when you were 13, but you were a strong woman that built off men’s bullshit over the years, so you hold your ground.

He shrunk himself and moved effectively before you. No unnecessary movements.

“Please. Wait.”

You could tell he was trying to make his voice soft, but the octave and accent just did not allow it. He was trying though.

Do you book it, or stay?

You stay, to hear him. He recognizes your stance as one specifically military-taught, ready to move.

“I didn’t mean to yell at you. I should’ve been better,” he started. You’d come to realize even with small issues, he was an okay apologizer. “I’m sorry. You’re the last person who deserved that.”

He inspected the way you heard him but just stood there awkwardly. You were never awkward around him. In fact, he was the awkward one.

His heart dropped at how visibly uncomfortable you looked. He wanted to touch you—to take all your problems away, but it wouldn’t work this time. Not when he was the problem.

Ghost was the type of person to do anything for you, anything to get you back. You were the only one who saw him as Simon now, ever since the others died or were killed. He ruined that.

He let the mask get the best of him, finally turning into the murderous, scary man the world sees him as, everyone but you. You’d never been afraid of him, and he himself had changed that.

So in the silence he scans your beautiful eyes again, the brightness they usually reflect gone and replaced. You blink at him like a puppy. A small, scared puppy.

He’d made you cry. He’d made you cry.

He wasn’t expecting forgiveness, or your usual unconditional love, but the silence was too much to bear. He knows what he did, but he genuinely has no idea how he could make it up to you. Once you realize the conversation was over, and that’s all he had to say, you turn your head and limp past the doorway to your room. You were going to cry again.

But that was far from what he wanted to say.

He didn’t realize it when a tear of his own bundled up under his blonde eyelashes, a feeling so rare that people’s jokes about him being a robot could seem true. It had been so long, but watching you sadly walk away from him was enough.

The door was wide open, but he stood there, feeling more useless than he ever had.

These were the times he wished his mother was here. To tell him what to do. To spread the emotional knowledge of loving someone so much it pained you, something she had perfected over the years. Instead, he picked up the brutalities of his father. And he will never forgive him for that.

. .

You’d avoided him for an entire day, almost two, despite being in such close proximity and having to do everything with the squad. He didn’t know whether to leave you be or try again and again. Ultimately, he picked the first. That didn’t mean there weren’t subtle things to get your attention though.

He couldn’t think about yelling again. But it was only at you. So everyone else was graced with their lieutenant in a worse mood than he’s usually in, but they wouldn’t dare ask what was up or say anything to you. Actually, they had barely spoken to you like they had orders not to.

Ghost was rarely in the common room anyway, but now he was really tucked away in his quarters. He preserved his words, though even then they were still snappy. He had an attitude, yes, but he’d come to his senses enough to reflect and prevent himself from saying anything potentially hurtful.

He’d cherished the moments you had no choice but to be close to him a lot more than before, and his voice was barely even the tone of regular speech. Because now, he was scared.

He’d seen how bad relationships can turn, and it doesn’t help it was the man he’s seen all his life ruining what a woman gave him. He doesn’t want to be like that. And if he already has been, he tries to calm himself at night by running through his head “you’re already better than him by trying to fix it,” like a mantra. He’s cried the nights without you. He felt like he was floating away all the time, away from the Earth and the people around him. He barely knows himself anymore.

Little does he know, the time spent without him converted your sadness to anger. Rage.

He has the audacity to scream in your face? After all you do for him? After you put your life on the fucking line and take bullets for him every day?

With your father, it never did convert to anger, because you refused to let it. Being a child, you were way too dependent on him emotionally and physically. He was still your dad, you’d think.

And yes, while you loved Simon, there wasn’t the biological connection to pressure you to him. He was just a man. And if there’s anything you learned yourself, it was that you wouldn’t be pushed around by one.

So the day progressed on with an assignment. The troops were sent out, Ghost in charge.

He had made an order to surround the building, stay hidden in tall grass. A few would push in. They were armed and dangerous.

His voice was loud through the comms, going directly through the headset clear as day. Your team pressed forward alongside his. He had made every order around the fact that you needed to be right next to him, always in view, so he could keep his watchful eye out.

You crouched around the corner, waiting for command. You whisper in mic to your own squad, instructing them to watch for third-party while everyone’s idle.

The second he calls it, you all infiltrate right after smoke grenades set off. It was quickly cleared of the criminal within a few minutes because there weren’t many to take out, just a few in nooks and crannies, but one of them had caught you through a closet door. It had small blinded windows in it.

A quick sharp pain let you know there was a knife drilled into your side. It was small, and could be a lot deeper, but it still hurt like a bitch.

You had taken worse, so you gunned him down with a swift turn and ignored it. The adrenaline was medicine.

Once everyone returned to base with evac, people noticed the spot of red on your uniform but brushed it off as a battle scar. Until they saw the knife. It would be stupid to remove it.

“That looks pretty bad, you should get that patched up,” someone says. Someone you didn’t know, probably from another unit. You refrain from saying no shit and keep walking to the infirmary.

You finally decide remove it with added pressure to the wound, keeping the gauze close and the slim slit through your skin tight. The adrenaline was wearing off now and everything started to come back to you. You groan loudly when you touch it.

Red stains your fingers. It wasn’t deep but it had to be pulled out, and standing would be hard. You sit to see what you were doing.

“Fuck!” you yell.

The pain was ten times worse when you sat down, the fold of your body at the hip right underneath the opening. You feel like you could imagine the knife scraping other parts of your insides.

Suddenly the door opens. No one other than Ghost stands there, fully in gear, searching for the source of the cry. Once he locates you, you barely hear him murmur “bloody hell.” You glance up at him, then back down to what you were doing. He tries to ignore the equivalent stab in his heart at that, the one that matched the way his face drops at the sight of you. You would be able to see the white of his eyes through the mask if you’d look at him.

You were unconsciously trembling, attempting to mentally prepare yourself to pull the knife out slow. The man before you just watched.

“Get out,” you demanded.

“No,” he calmly replies. Once again, barely above a whisper, but heavy with accent.

You visibly roll your eyes and continue picking at the knife, trying to find the easiest way to retrieve it. Of course Ghost would take this time to be near you when you can’t run away from him.

He removes his gloves and opens the cabinets beside him, getting peroxide and other medical things. He walks to you with them in hand, and you bring it upon yourself to completely ignore him.

He steadily drops to a knee in front of you so you see eye to eye. You hiss when you pull at one side and it doesn’t work.

Softly, he breaks the silence, “When did this happen?”

No response. He was looking you dead in the eyes despite how horrible at eye contact he usually is.

“When did-“

“Earlier, Lieutenant.” You speak. He knows this was you digging at him. It worked, but he brushes it off.

He reaches his bare hands rid of the supplies up to help you. He was mad at nobody other than himself for not being there.

“Stop,” you shoo his hand away, tending back to your wound. Even though he wanted to help, he backed off.

To be honest, you had no idea what you were doing, and he’d probably had this happen a thousand times. He was inevitably better at medical anything compared to you.

“How did it happen?” He waits. Wasting time talking to him will have you bleeding out. The knife was a little under halfway visible.

“I was taking my job seriously, Lieutenant.”

He cringes at the words he’s shameful to call his own. He wants nothing more than for you to at least be on speaking terms with him, but even that he knows he doesn’t deserve. He sighs deeply.

“I’m sorry, let me help you. Please,” he begs.

“I don’t want your help, and you don’t want mine. So we can keep it that way.”

What he said that night was far from true; you did more than just help him. He was dependent on you. He surveys the way you hiss at the straining feeling, attempting to take deep breaths between tugs, but only making it worse. He won’t let everything you’re throwing at him break him down in this state.

“Grab it from the top, do it all at once. Then stop the blood immediately.”

You huff in annoyance at his words, causing yourself pain from your own irritation. But, he did know what he was doing, so you followed the orders. He inspects you.

You tug on the knife with a painful deep breath and moan at the pain, shutting your eyes. The view alone gives Simon whatever you’re feeling tenfold.

It only goes up about a centimeter. It hurt so bad though, your breaths were heavy and enhancing the stinging sensation. Your audible whimper was enough for the man in front of you to take action.

You almost forgot how mad you were at him from the pain, so when his hands reached up to you, you just let them. His right applied pressure to the sides. He couldn’t care that it stained his rough, pale hands. The left rests on your hand planted on the seat, then he instructs you to lay down. It’ll avoid scratching any more areas inside by stretching out.

“Relax. It’ll hurt, but you got it.”

You don’t respond to this, and stare up at the ceiling. You still didn’t want to look at him.

Simon has to remember you were still fairly untouched in comparison to his background in the military, the scars and scratches proof to where he’s been. He’s not used to being gentle. He’s around grown men for god’s sake.

And while he knows you’re strong, he wishes someone took the time to allow him some vulnerability back then.

You’re on your back, awaiting his next move. He hovers over you.

“I’mna to count to three, alright? I know you can do it.”

You blink, but he knows you can hear him. Somehow it hurts worse to breathe so your chest runs shallow.

“One,” he starts.

Were you ready? He was going to-

You scream loud enough to have the entire base questioning what was going on before he gets to three, but Simon’s face doesn’t falter from his soft expression as he accurately rips the object out of you. Your hands subconsciously reach for his, then grip him with a pure strength you didn’t even know you possessed. You yelled a long line of curses with tears pricking at the corners of your eyes until it all ended as fast as it came.

You were heaving and your face was hot, sweat gathering along your hairline.

“There you go,” he praises, his movements were quick and efficient. The tape was being placed over the filled injury. “Good girl.”

You were breathless, tired, and red. You wanted to lay down.

“It hurts, Simon,” you whisper.

“I know baby, I know.”

. .

You laid in bed with the dinner one of the soldiers brought you. Simon walks in sometime later, his hand cupped.

“You alright?”

He steps in beside your bed, sitting on the covers. He releases some painkillers right next to the water on your nightstand.

You just nod.

He nods approvingly back, then rests his forearms on his thighs. There’s an uncomfortable silence. An uncomfortable silence.

The ink on his arm was visible along with the scars he’s carried. Some new, some old. It’s a simple t-shirt that stops at the bicep, but he never likes to have his arms out because he’s never comfortable with them showing.

“I just wanted to say—”

“I…don’t want to hear it.” You shut him down.

“Please?”

His ocean eyes survey yours for some type of mercy, some hint you’ll hear him out again. He has concluded that he can speak, but the worst that can happen is you’ll stop listening. You can’t really walk away.

And this was the first time his please seemed to end with a question mark.

“I didn’t mean to yell, but I did, and it hurt you. Even though I just aided you, I did it as a partner. Not just a comrade. You are great at what you do, but you mean a lot more to me than just business—I love you, because you see me differently than everyone else.”

Knowing Simon, it probably did take him the whole day and a half to come up with that and relay it. This tugged your heart strings a little, but then it all came back to you.

“On top of calling me useless you yelled in my face. What were you so angry for anyway?”

Truthfully, he felt that had he told you the real reason, It’d make him look worse. But you deserved it.

“One of the soldiers in another unit looked into my background. Found out about an old mission and the people behind it.”

You hadn’t known much about Simon’s life, because he never talks about it, but you knew enough. It was the mission where he was set up. Betrayed.

You would be pissed too.

But his head hung low in shame, angry that he let an old part of him rekindle in the form of fury. He let out said fury on you.

“Regardless, it was uncalled for. Just think on it, yeah?” He pleads. He’s not sure what he’s telling you to think on, though he doesn’t know the active status of your relationship. But he understands how degrading what he did was, and he’ll never forgive himself for it.

But you already had an answer.

“I don’t have to think on it,” you say.

His head whips around, the sadness on his face replaced with shock, and the crinkles coming to form between his brows in confusion. He’d expected the worst, but the worst was what he deserved.

“I’m still very upset. But I don’t hate you. I want you to go to therapy,” you insist.

On the inside, Simon was thrilled. This is the best outcome, better than anything he’d conjured up in his head, and he’d been told a billion times to go to therapy. If it meant being able to hold you again, he’d stay the whole day on a little couch instead of downing prescribed medication that wasn’t working every night.

“I’ll think about what to do from there. But I don’t want it to happen again, because I promise I know what my decision will be the next time,” you declare. He took this message more seriously than he takes Price some days. There was a fire in your eyes to show him how serious you were, and that you’d get up extra close to him just to point your finger in his face if you could.

He understood you hadn’t forgave him, but was giving him some type of redemption. So he could prove himself.

And he was damn good at proving himself worthy of things, hence the Lieutenant in front of his name.

this a lil long. @thesecretwriter @jemandderkeinenusernamenfindet @jjmoonjj @bigmannico @bloodyquillink-blog @boggiesho @earth-to-lottie @e1fade @instantplaiddream @mentallyillartist @stillinracooncity @missborntodiex @rhyanna6012 @hao-ming-8 @starrrchiato @goth-boi-atlas @keiva1000 @pampeop @sleepy-time-dreamy @laurenbenoit70 @tojis-big-daddy-milkers @jstarrs23423 @madameducyberversailles @eri-channnnnnn @schmelscorner @commandertorinshepard @lua83727 @1234ilikecowsthanyoumore @nyannyanmochi020 @p1nkliquor

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syscourse-confessions · 9 months

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Syscourse replies encouraged... i cant type the emoji LOL

Some people say that non-traumagenic plurals are hurting traumagenic people. Naming names is bad. You've seen people say that, though, obviously. If you are invested in syscourse to any degree, you've probably seen people say that doctors have denied them diagnoses or treatment because DID and OSDD have become "trendy" and they think it's too common, so they won't diagnose anyone with it.

Listen to me closely. For context, I tried to get diagnosed with DID since I was 11 years old. Symptoms start showing up before that, it's perfectly reasonable for me to be self-aware since that diagnosis would've been the only proof I have that I was ever traumatised (other than the proof in my memories obviously). I tried getting diagnosed LONG before TikTok OR Musically existed, AND ALSO BEFORE VINE DIED, and let's be honest, TikTok is where those doctors found out about them. (I say "doctors" because both therapists and psychiatrists can technically diagnose you, even if it's usually more commonly done by therapists who specialise in trauma.)

They will find ANY reason not to diagnose you. My abusers were awful in front of the doctors. I had memories of trauma. I was told once that since I didn't know what the word dissociation meant (since I was 12 and my psychiatrist called it MPD for some reason) that I didn't dissociate. Yep! You don't have the language, so your problem doesn't exist! That's how far doctors are willing to go thanks to the stigma ALREADY EXISTING around plurality and systemhood. I had a therapist who asked me if I had homocidal urges in response to me saying I suspect that I have DID. I had a therapist call them characters and say she wouldn't diagnose me because I had nonhuman alters. I had a therapist (I've gone through a lot of them as you can see) tell me that since I can't remember specific details about my trauma (I was molested frequently as a toddler) then it didn't happen and therefore I don't have it. I was told I don't have it because the alters have different accents!! Some alters have southern accents (I grew up in Florida but then moved to Cali) and others have northern ones, one even has a new york-ish accent that i don't know the technical name of, and they were like. this very common thing you have is the reason i don't think you have it :) awful

THEY WILL REFUSE TO DIAGNOSE YOU FOR ANY REASON. NON-TRAUMAGENIC SYSTEMS ARE NOT TO BLAME.THE SYSTEM OF S O C I E T Y IS

(haha like my pun?)

thank u for reading. sorry for yelling at the end there

also it's worth mentioning that earlier this year I did get diagnosed, finally. I figured out that I need to ask our insurance provider for specifically therapists who are trauma specialists, and then the one I found was like "im not qualified enough for this woops" and referred me to an even better trauma specialist who specifically knew about dissociative disorders. so yeah try that i guess LOL. I have every symptom, it turns out. I'm a textbook case. Doctors just suck.

📬- Syscourse replies encouraged

#syscourse #syscourse confessions #abuse tw #csa tw

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paraliveimaginesblog · 1 year

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hiii! hope you're doing fine. can i request something with kantaro, reo, kanata and ryu? like, how would they act in front of their beloved one? more specifically, how would they treat the person who they're in love with? hope i spell this right;;;

Kanata Yatonokami:

Kanata doesn’t quite treat you like you’re just anyone, because you aren’t and he’s pretty rude to people he doesn’t care for, but he’s not the overly lovey dovey type either. People who knew him know that he’s fond of you because he can be in your presence without looking miserable for more than five minutes, but outsiders would never be able to tell you were even dating. With Kanata you're getting someone who will be your protector without hesitation, someone who wanted the very best for you and who would do anything to get it. He doesn't really get the whole 'boyfriend' thing but he does know what it's like to love, so he just follows what his head and heart says is the right thing to do for you.

Reo Maruyama:

You’re someone Reo treasures and it will be obvious to everyone around him. He liked to hold your hand or have your arms hooked together when you were out in public, and among his family he would always find himself snuggled up close with you without a care in the world. He always proudly proclaimed you were his significant other when people brought you up, just in case they might not realize at first; he wasn’t going to let them make that mistake twice. You think he’s a little possessive but it’s more that he’s very attached to you, and there’s parts of him that are afraid you’ll be taken away from him quite suddenly; he’s still battling with that trauma but he made sure to value each moment you had together.

Ryu Natsume:

Ryu is a little clingy with you. Whenever you walk in the room he lights up like a Christmas tree, unable to stop himself from diving on you or into your arms in greeting. He references you as his beloved, his best friend, and a variety of other nicknames that really just seem like a random string of words tied together. You don’t question it, and neither does anyone who knows him, which is for the best. Ryu's love for you is open and refreshing, unquestionable and unrelenting, you know you'll never be loved like that again if something happened to Ryu. Yet there's a part of him that feared his love wasn't enough, that despite how hard he tried he didn't get across his feelings enough, which can occasionally lead to him being overbearing.

Kantaro Misuji:

At first Kantaro is a little more stressed out around you. He only wanted you to see his best sides which meant he was constantly acting like a perfect, cutesy little idol. He wasn’t being his real self, confiding his actual emotions and troubles in you, which lead to a rift as your relationship felt ‘fake’ with no actual depth to it. But Kantaro did love you and eventually gave in, admitting to how weak he was to the opinion of others and that he didn’t want you to pity him. He tries to be a little more vulnerable with you, knowing he could get addicted to hearing how you felt about him if he relied on you too much, but having a partner who was willing to smother him with appreciation went a long way.

#Paradox Live #Paralive #Paradox Live Imagines #Paradox Live x Reader #Paralive Imagines #Paralive x Reader #kantaro misuji #ryu natsume #reo maruyama #kanata yatonokami #kantaro misuji x reader #ryu natsume x reader #reo maruyama x reader #kanata yatonokami x reader

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loosingmoreletters · 4 months

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1. Thank you and That One Anon for making the English speaking fandom for Weapon Creator!

2. In the name of bullying Yun Taeheon, I need his reaction to Mun Doyun- aka the B rank assassin that was Shin Junseo’s guild leader. Cuz objectively, Yun Taeheon knows a lot can happen in a year and stuff, but also he’s an S-rank leader of a top guild that is willing to give Shin Junseo just about anything and he still cannot recruit him. And then there’s this B-rank nobody (to him) who specifically hired Shin Junseo - as a D rank weapon creator who could only make an average knife every 20 seconds - BC HE HAD A SKILL THAST DESTROYED THE BLADES HE USED. Literally the same reason!! But no, somehow Yun Taeheon is losing this race.

Even better if he somehow gets more backstory or through some time shenanigans he meets the other Mun Doyun, who is basically the reason Shin Junseo is even as good as he is. Like, the reason sjs learned all he could and stuff. Anyway, yth being objectively, obviously on a higher level than this dude and yet still absolutely seething at the very idea of how much he apparently is not measuring up. How do you think that should go?

also, looking at the firsts chapter and think the first chapter and I think Sjs could be the little kid at the very beginning? Meaning that he has grown up in he world of hunters and gates, giving some cool world building to how this is a whole generation of ppl growing up with gates and magic.

However, for the sake of getting more of your sugar daddy au, I am ignoring that. Or maybe it could be incorporated, like- yth was trying to figure out how to ask sjs for just, an actual relationship. And sjs had stopped their contract after signing onto the guild. Extra tension!! Cuz obviously yth wasn’t gonna reach out and be like, “Hey, so that didn’t work out…”

glad to be of service!!!!! taking it from the bottom here, you mean this kid?

Huh! Now that you mention it, that could track! Would be rather interesting too as I'd put this kid somehwere between 8 and 12, which implies dungeons have been a thing for much longer than just a couple of years. Tho I assumed the adult in the next panel was YTH, so hmmm. But also what does this say about the state of his family. where the fuck are they. I need answers. And also I'd love some worldbuilding around growing up in such a world. In SCTIR, one of my fave things is to linger on like, the first weeks after the dungeon breaks. how did legislation change, the government, the way people reacto to this-

"In the name of bullying YTH" man we really all just took a look at this guy, who is probably meant to be like a cool badass character and decided we shall treat him like our sibling's new boyfriend and thus make fun of hinm. huh. god given right to bully the man.

But yeah, do you think YTH assumed just a little bit that SJS had like weird trauma. and also like- okay full confession time. when I started reading this, I assumed this guy would be our love interest second protag. I mean. look at him and SJS reaction to praise

and the way SJS also thinks of this guild in the future memories he receives? a place where he was accepted, found friends, where they kept pushing forward together- Listen. also the way it lingers on MDY's body there. I'm just saying, the vibes are accurate. to me.

Anyway, YTH does have the vibes of somebody who is incredibly understanding but privately also has beef with a dead man. he knows it's unfair and stupid, but also he could buy SJS a god damn pent house apartment. he would. that and any item he wants. actually I just realized while typing this would've been really fucking great to insert into my little soulmate fanfic given I did toss in like one sided bonds existing there. something to consider for the future.

But man, I think it would be interesting if SJS is confronted with him again also in the context of like, SJS not recognizing MDY's brother despite his future memories, which sure has some implication. I told a friend that like my assumption is that Mun Dojin died in the other timeline and I desperately need him and SJS to talk because even if the memories SJS has never actually existed here, that still sort of makes him the only person MDJ can talk to.

actually, man. this would make anything SJS/YTH even funnier. here's your crush. there's your crush's vampire familier and his ex guildmaster's (former bf's??????) little brother. god I need MDJ and Elizabeth to show up more often. slkdfhsldkh sorry got entirely off track here.

OKAY BACK TO SUGAR DADDY AU- I just realized how fucking hilarious this would also be because like. SJS manages to bag one man and it's this big shot guild leader. and instead of signing up with his guild, he goes to these small nobodies. like, it probably just makes sense to SJS. This was a job, now here is another, newer job. Life goes on.

YTH meanwhile is the math meme. Min Huisu told him to get a social life. he paid someone for that, but the guy turns out to be actually cute and fun, so he'd like to have a relationship that is not just superifical. and this guy just. mcfucking signs on to a guild he hasn't even heard of. f in the fucking chat

#somebody should start a wiki for this fandom btw so i don't have to keep looking things up in the chapters #not me tho i'm already busy contributing to another wiki #weapon creator #sorry this god so rambly and all over the place i'm v exited #jacqtacq #ask

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nostalgic90s · 9 months

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I was just going to leave part of this in a comment on Infected Unicorn but I changed my mind

Your take on Jeremiah's warped perception of time is really making me think lol. I love it though, don't get me wrong. I'm really interesting to see how this pans out.

But, applying this idea to the actual show: I hadn't considered him fully believing even parts of his own lie (the story about Jerome taking a cake knife to his throat on his 10th birthday and trying to light his bed on fire) because from what I was seeing it appeared that he was full aware of what actually happened, and more importantly for this, when it happened.

But if he truly believed he was still at home by the time he was 10, despite having being taken away when he was 7, I have to rethink a few things.

He would be suffering from a dissociative disorder, specifically a type of derealization, likely as a response to trauma. It could also be a potential coping mechanism to keep himself from realizing how long it's really been since he lost Jerome.

The fact he kept contact with Lila meant he didn't feel as removed from her, he still had that link to his mother until he left the Wildes (it's unclear whether this would have been at 12 when he started college or at 16 when his bunker was completed) but presumably those letters were dated in some manner, even if just indirectly through whatever schedule they were sent on. You could easily use them to figure out how long Jeremiah had been with the Wildes, and the birthdays and holiday wishes would keep track of the years. Regardless, there was a record of how long they'd been apart.

But he had no contact with Jerome, and he knew the kinds of horrible things their mother would do to him, and he had been the only one there for his brother, and, and, and.

To keep himself from spiraling down that train of thought, he would have began lying to himself about how long they had been apart, and it's fully possible that he started believing his own lie. In fact, as a kid, it is so much easier to ignore a painful reality and just believe in a lie. Even of your own creation.

And that would play into his antisocial behaviours. Anyone could tell him he was wrong, anyone could make him see the truth, because in the early stages of a delusion like this it's fragile and your mind does everything in its power to protect it. So he shut out everyone.

Until Ecco came into his life. Someone was picking on Jeremiah, and he didn't fight back. He couldn't, he didn't know how, Jerome had always either stood up for him or was enough discouragement to the other kids in the circus. He didn't have Jerome at St. Ignatius though. He was alone. Until someone did stand up for him, a girl he'd maybe seen in a few classes, Ecco. She offered him some kind words and protection from the bullies, and although he tried to push her away at first she was persistent. Who else in his life had been persistent? Jerome. He saw the same first spirit in this girl as he'd seen in his own twin. Slowly, he let her in more and more, and the more time he spent with this girl the more he saw his brother.

And I'm sorry this is irrelevant and off topic and I'm just rambling. But uh... yeah, I'm basically doing Harley's job myself atm and I wish I could talk to her even more now because I have so much I could tell her, and she can probably get some information that I couldn't from two measly episodes and Jerome's pining rambling about his twin, and yeah. Basically everything in Jeremiah's life revolves around Jerome. Ecco, Bruce, even the mazes and labyrinths, it ALL comes back to Jerome and their separation, and you've just added another layer for me

Don't say sorry, this is great! Thank you for feeding me Valeskacest content. I will devour it unapologetically. 🥰

You're blowing my mind right now when you compared Harley to Jerome, at least from Jeremiah's perspective. That's such an interesting twist! And one I hadn't considered. I can see why it'd be easier for Jeremiah to trust a doctor who, in some ways, reminds him of Jerome. He would still have to give up his authenticity in order to develop that attachment to Harley though.

You're right about the letters, and I wonder if Jeremiah would keep them? But in doing so it's just another record of time, and I don't think he'd like the reminders. Maybe he has Ecco dispose of them, or take them to another location (security box at the bank maybe?). OH! Jeremiah never said if he wrote back to his mother. He received letters but he never explicitly stated he wrote back to her. What if the letters were going to the Wilde family? Or another source? Like if he used a PO box address. Because this guy wants to be unknown, undetectable, untraceable.

The way you wrapped that up at the end *Chef's kiss* Jeremiah's life revolves around Jerome, and he can't escape it, no matter how many lies he tells himself (and others).

#valeskacest #jerome valeska #jeremiah valeska

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rosehippiefield · 5 months

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There're quite some parallels between dynamics of Sara-Keiji and Kanna-Shin.

With the siblings everything is more or less clear: Shin used Kanna for two chapters, eventually growing attached to her as she reminded him of his old self (Midori called them both kind, weak and cowardly, not that last two words are exactly true). Maybe he cared about her from the beginning, maybe only after first main game. Relationship between them was similar to Shin's relationship with Midori as he tried to immitate him, scaring Kanna with his constant manipulation (the laptop case and so on) but still helping to overcome her guilt to some degree. In the end, Shin was ready to die if it meant Kanna's survival, at first offering to vote for her thinking she must be sacrifice (guessing she wouldn't pick him if she wins), and after Gashu incident. Kanna understood that he lied to her (a lot), but still saw the best and was kind of right.

Meanwhile Keiji, in my opinion, could copy some of Megumi's behavior with him when he was a subordinate. I am sure that Keiji sees himself in Sara, reliable, smart, a bit formal and easy to exploit (in terms of giving tasks and responsibility). And as far as I remember, Megumi was flirty with him (though he doesn't exactly flirt, he evades answering difficult questions). So he replicates same type of relationship with Sara, becoming her mentor and showing some clues but leaving majority of the work for her.

At first, Keiji likely knew something because he began pushing for "leader Sara" as soon as met her. But after Joe died and Sara was suffering he grew more and more attached. It was just like him and Mr. Policeman! (plus, Joe could be kid of aforementioned policeman). So he makes attempts to help her. Although still not taking spotlight, even suggesting poor girl to litterally decide fate of all of their lifes. Sara didn't fully trust him, she knew how suspicious Keiji was, but his support was vital for her so she also began caring for him (just in case I don't mean it romantically).

What seems the most like manipulation is him getting trust from Sara while not giving information himself. I understand not giving 50 tokens, he knows about his sins. But transfering keymaster to Sara, pretending he sacrificed his own safety while in reality taking it from somebody else is... cold and calculative (who did he take card from? I understand if it's Shin as he was suspicious and dangerous in Keiji's eyes, but it could be Kanna or someone else innocent).

What bugs me the most is that he didn't do anything to help when Sara got sacrifice card. Ex-policeman had tokens to make exchange, and he actually did make aforementioned exchange... with Q-taro. I read somewhere that he planned to get information from Shin, Keiji wanted to deceive him and so definitely couldn't transfer ill-fated card to him (why would Shin tell the truth if he's going to die anyway?). But nevertheless, Sara still was in danger. A girl with burden on her fragile shoulders who tried to help everyone and who was in position of leader partly because of Keiji.

I think that in third chapter he finally realised how wrong he was about everything and hopefully was ready to truly be mentor figure. I don't remember specifics so I may be mistaken, but Keiji did come to the classroom when Ranmaru deal was happening despite risking showing himself. And we all know how strongly Sara wanted to save Keiji, signing consent form. Their bond reached its culmination, both trusting and wanting to protect each other. Of course, maybe it's a bit early to say so as game is unfinished, but this is something I hope for.

All in all, Keiji kind of used Sara a bit similarly to Shin exploiting Kanna, potentially mimicing some traits of once important person, then saw something familiar in traumatised girl, supported her and formed more genuine bond while still using Sara's leadership to have influence or knowledge until that painful moment of trauma coffin

#your turn to die #keiji shinogi #sara chidouin #shin tsukimi #kanna kizuchi #maybe the way Megumi influenced Keiji is just my assumption #maybe I could go in depth about Shin's manipulations but I feel like it was analysed by others #Plus I have rambled too long as it is #I like Keiji I really do but some of his actions cause me to question his thinking process

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questionableratatouille00 · 8 months

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Buckytober Thing

A note: I have basically given up on whumptober (lack of motivation) but this idea came to me and I would like to submit it into something, so here we are for the lovely @chaos-and-ink’s Buckytober. At the bottom of this post is a link to the prompts if you’d like to participate!

I know today’s not any of these dates, but I’d like to get this out there just for fun. This can be taken in any way you’d like, whether that’s past stucky, pre-sambucky, past winterwidow, or even just Bucky being Bucky. It’s up to interpretation! Lots of love everybody, and I hope you enjoy.

Days: 16, 19, 22, 28, and 31.

Warnings: alcohol, nonconsenual sterilization, talks of Bucky’s trauma, HYDRA themes (abuse, torture, and the like) references to sexual trauma, mentions of the Red Room, nightmares, homophobia in the 1940s, HYDRA beliefs, mass grave reference (is that a warning? I’m going to say it is). ————————————————————————

Bucky sipped his beer, staring off into the beautiful, serene water. He sat at the end of the pier, his feet dangling off the edge.

He heard footsteps behind him, the creaking of the wood giving away the presence of any attacker.

But Bucky wasn’t worried. He wasn’t alarmed or defensive, and he knew there was no ‘attacker’. That was probably his favorite part of the Wilson household, he never had to defend himself or fight any battles besides the ones in his head. There was safety there. Not safety like Wakanda, he noted.

Wakanda was safe, that was real. He knew it was real. There was a huge force field keeping any and all outsiders out, and there were the Dora Milaje, too. Wakanda was, from what Bucky knew, the safest place on the planet.

But the Wilson household was a different kind of safe. He couldn’t describe that safe with words, not like he could describe Wakanda’s type of safe. Maybe he could assign a few adjectives; loving, caring, protective, united, but even then he couldn’t string together sentences to make it all make sense.

Bucky decided that he preferred the Wilson household version of safe. Even if he couldn’t ever really decide much for himself, or even really have clear preferences for one thing over another, he wanted to believe he could.

The words had been rendered useless, sure, but the results of HYDRA’s efforts remained. There were bad days, where he couldn’t make choices for himself or he couldn’t give any responses to the outside world besides grim silences or a neutral—albeit creepy—expression, but there were always going to be bad days. Bucky knew that. Sam knew that. And that meant it was going to be okay.

A firm hand on his left shoulder pulled him from his thoughts. Sam groaned as he sat down, his knees cracking as he did so.

“God, I feel as old as you are.” He joked. He didn’t move his hand away.

Bucky gave him a small smile in response. He liked how Sam touched him. It wasn’t cautious, careful, or waiting for Bucky to snap like Steve’s touches were. Bucky didn’t have any dislike for Steve because of it, but Bucky always knew Steve treated him like glass, or like a broken piece of pottery that had just been glued back together.

Sam’s touches were firm, but not painful. Reassuring, but not overly gentle. Very obviously present, but not overwhelming nor overbearing. Bucky appreciated it. The way Sam touched him made him feel real. Like he wasn’t just living in some false reality he made up to cope with whatever trauma of the nightmare he was dealing with.

Sam had made up that phrase. ‘Trauma of the nightmare’. He’d made it up after his third time witnessing Bucky’s very present PTSD symptoms. Just saying ‘trauma’ was too broad of a term, because they both knew Bucky had a lot of that. But Sam knew Bucky didn’t want him to say the specific event that happened in the nightmare aloud, at least not when he was still panicking from re-experiencing it again.

Hence, trauma of the nightmare. It was Sam and Bucky’s version of ‘villain of the week’ or ‘question of the day’. Maybe there was a hint some kind of dark humor in there somewhere, having so much baggage you had to make a whole phrase for it, but Bucky didn’t care.

Sam took a sip of his own beer. “You’re technically older than the average age in most nursing homes, but you ever think of starting a family of your own?” He asked, sliding his hand off Bucky’s shoulder. There were very few people who could touch his left shoulder, and Sam was one of those people.

“No. I’ve..I wouldn’t make a good partner, let alone a father.” Bucky confessed, not looking at Sam. He knew Sam was looking at him. He always knew.

“I mean, the father thing isn’t my place to talk about, but who said you couldn’t be someone’s partner?”

“I’ve got too much bullshit to deal with. It’s just…a lot. I don’t want to put that onto somebody. I already feel bad for putting it on you.”

“You didn’t put anything on me. I opened the door to that closet. You know I expected to find a few skeletons in it.”

“It’s not really a few. It’s more of a mass grave, really.”

“I’m willing to help you lay those skeletons—however many there are—to rest. You know I am.” Sam said this so casually, Bucky couldn’t help but look at him. God, he wished he hadn’t. Sam’s beautiful brown eyes wouldn’t let Bucky look away, he was practically obligated to stare into them, to drown in them.

“I don’t even know if I can even have kids. I mean, we both know what the Red Room did to Natasha. And Yelena, too. HYDRA and the Red Room teamed up a few times. I don’t know if they…did that to me, too.” Bucky felt the words come out before he could even process them himself. That was the worst part about talking to Sam. He made it so easy to just..confess all your feelings to him.

“I’m sure you could see a doctor. They could tell you if you’d had it done or not.” Sam tried to provide a solution.

Bucky shook his head slowly, before looking out to the water again. “Probably. But..for me, doctors and nudity don’t really mix. They aren’t even really good on their own, either.”

Sam shrugged. “Fair point. I don’t think I’m interested in adopting or surrogacy or anything like that. Sarah lets me help with the boys, and I think that’s good enough for me.”

Bucky wondered why Sam didn’t just have his own children. He’d never mentioned having any procedures done, but would Sam really just tell someone he was infertile on a random Tuesday? Probably not, Bucky thought.

“I like guys.” Sam provided the context Bucky hadn’t known before. He felt his eyes widen, his mouth remaining shut. Bucky wasn’t sure how Sam could just say it so proudly, but Bucky thought about it for a moment. If Bucky had a problem with it, he could just leave. But Bucky didn’t have a problem with it.

Bucky looked at Sam. Sam looked at Bucky.

“Cool.” Was all Bucky could think to say. The minute after he said it, he desperately wanted to jump into the water below and drown.

Sam let out a laugh. “I could see those gears in your cyborg brain turning again.”

“Yeah, shut up.” Bucky ran a hand over his face.

“I’m guessing you don’t have the same views as your generation did.” Sam nudged him with his shoulder.

“No. I don’t think I ever really did.” He thought about it. He didn’t hate gay people. Bucky didn’t really hate any kind of people, besides HYDRA people or people who believed the same things as HYDRA people. “Steve didn’t either.”

“Well, Steve was a bisexual, so I guess not.” Sam replied.

“He was.” It wasn’t really a question, but it wasn’t exactly a statement, either. More of a thought, forgotten in the wind, carried out into nothingness.

“You know what that is?” Sam raised a brow.

“Yes.” Bucky nodded. “Might be me. Might not be. Yes. No. I don’t know.” Bucky cut himself off, but Sam didn’t respond. Bucky knew this tactic. Silence provides awkwardness. Awkwardness leads to the target providing the answers to the questions you’re asking. The answers provide success. Success provides a less painful experience once you get back to the base, Soldat.

Bucky snapped himself out of his own head. He wasn’t on a HYDRA truck being rented to who knows what evil organization, he was on Sam’s pier in Delacroix. Sam wasn’t manipulating him, Sam was just letting him continue his own damn thought.

Steve had a habit of trying to guess what he was thinking or saying without letting him even finish the sentence or thought. Bucky appreciated the thought, but it got annoying after the first few times he guessed wrong.

“Steve,” Nat had sighed, “let him think.”

He’d appreciated her, too.

“I never really had time to think about it. So…I’m not sure. Everything feels very..new. It’s all different. In a lot of ways.” Bucky finished his thought there. He didn’t feel like describing the different ways he was talking about, and he didn’t have to describe them to Sam, anyway.

“It is.” Sam nodded. “But you’ve got time to navigate it.” You’ve got me to help you, Bucky could identify the underlying meaning behind the words. He smiled. “I know.”

They tapped their beer bottles together before taking a drink at the same time.

————————————————————————

A link to Buckytober:

#sam wilson #Buckytober chaos #sam and bucky #steve and bucky #bucky barnes #the winter soldier #the falcon and the winter soldier fanfiction #the falcon and the winter soldier #tfatws #the wilsons

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many-but-one · 2 years

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Do you have any advice for how to approach a situation where you find out that the system is much bigger than you originally thought and there has been like another group of people functioning deeper inside your mind because I just found out that our system runs so much deeper than I thought it did and it's kinda freaking me out.

Thanks

(Also I love your blog)

Hey anon,

I've had this in my ask box for a few days trying to figure out how to answer this in a way that would be helpful and insightful. A big goal of mine for my future is to be able to educate people and help people with and without CDDs who are in places that I or my wife/friends may have been in the past. This situation you're describing is something I went through right around mid August. The only reason I actually know when I started learning these things was because I have a frantic email I sent my therapist with the subject line "Ah shit, here we go again" with a screenshot of that very quote from GTA. It's an inside joke between our therapist and I because it seems like whenever something really wild happens that I really didn't see coming I preface with "Ah shit, here we go again." and that's how she knows it's going to be a doozy of a session or email.

(small TW ahead for mentions of unaliving oneself, nothing detailed, just mentioned)

So in all honesty I feel like I don't have super proper advice for you in this regard. Not in the way you may have been hoping or wanting, as I am still new to learning parts and subsystems. I know about four subsystems right now, other parts keep alluding to something else that's hidden from me that's like a Big thing, and it's a...it's a lot! I understand how you're feeling to some degree here. The very first time I started piecing together the subsystem stuff I swore I was ready to do the unalive. And uh, unfortunately, I almost did because of parts who were created to commit suicide in this very instance. I wasn't supposed to know about that stuff. Past suicide attempts seem to line up with that same narrative. Every time I was learning something I was not supposed to know, one of our secondary gatekeepers would throw a suicidal alter into the front and essentially let it happen. Thankfully, we've had either our spouse or other alters be able to step in at the last second, parts that don't want these things to occur. We're working on deconstructing that particular program now and it's been fairly successful, thankfully.

I talk about that not because I think all systems with subsystems or whatever happens going on in your system have suicide programs, but because this information you are suddenly learning is likely meant to be hidden. Subsystems typically don't occur for shits and giggles. From my limited knowledge (reminder, I am not a professional at this so if anyone has better info than me or any additional info or resources, please say so) of subsystems, typically they form for specific purposes. One purpose could be to separate various traumas at different time periods of the system's life. So for example, we have an entire subsystem (our largest subsystem as far as I know) dedicated to our very early life trauma that began long before our RAMCOA type abuse occurred. Those things happened likely around the ages of 3 to 5. The RAMCOA abuse occurred around age 7 or so, as far as I'm aware. None of the main system or any of the other subsystems were aware of the early life subsystem, only our gatekeepers knew about them.

Other reasons subsystems can occur is to separate a specific type of abuse that the system/brain finds particularly disturbing and needs to be separated from the rest of the system. We don't have these, but I've heard of folks whose main system typically has the "less severe" trauma and subsystems hold "more severe" trauma OR trauma that needs to be kept completely deep down and away from the front area, like CSEM production OR incest with a member of their household that they have to live with all the time. If you're around that family member all the time you're not going to be able to function if you have even an inkling of those things occurring, so your brain might separate all of that into a subsystem to keep the rest of the system safe. While the rest of the system might deal with other forms of trauma such as neglect, medical trauma, emotional abuse/manipulation, bullying, etc.

The last reason that subsystems might exist, and this is only our personal experience because I have never met another system whose subsystems are like this, but subsystems may exist to keep certain parts of memories separate from the rest of the system. Which, I've mentioned I was going to go into our system structure in more detail before and so I'm not going to do a deep dive in this ask, but essentially as abuse was escalating, our system realized that a single alter cannot hold the entire memory of abuse that was occurring, and so what happened was we'd split a fragment (which our system labels as "china dolls" even though they're really not that) and they get cracked apart and split up, essentially. So one subsystem holds only the pain of that particular memory, another subsystem holds only the emotional toll of that particular memory, another subsystem holds only the visual or auditory sensations of that particular memory, etc. So, in essence, for a single occurrence of trauma, a splitting pattern happens where we end up splitting anywhere from 2-5 fragments to hold bits and pieces of a single memory. So those subsystems keep those fragments separated so that we don't have to be overwhelmed by the entire memory being whole.

From all of the above information it's probably going to make subsystems sound like a super horrific thing, and while I really want to be comforting and help you through this with some encouragement, subsystems are typically because something happened that needed to be kept completely separate from the rest of the system, which is usually not a good thing.

However, to actually answer your question, how to cope? Um. Good question, because I'm barely coping with my own situation right now. BUT, one thing that has helped me kind of stop freaking out about it is that I have accepted that I will learn things when the time is right. Every time I've tried to go digging or I got curious or something I regretted it. I learned very quickly WHY these things are separate. I learned as a host that I really really should not fuck around because I WILL find out, and it has pretty much every single time been far more devastating that I could have even imagined.

So my advice to you is "Don't go digging!" Because often, system information (especially if you're currently in therapy with a specialist) will become known with time. Be patient. Don't do the "nosy host" thing unless you are in an environment where you have someone who knows what's going on and can keep you safe in case you learn something very distressing that will make you want to go down the sewer slide. Being a system is not a fun time when you're discovering this stuff. I'm very open about loving our system and loving our parts and thanking them for what they've done for me, but that doesn't erase how difficult and scary it can be when you start learning things that you never knew you never knew. Hang in there, anon. DMs are open if you want to discuss this further. Anyone is free to DM or send asks about these things and I'll answer when I can. :)

-Dorian

(Note: Endos please do not interact with this post, as subsystems are a product of serious trauma and are not something that I think could ever be replicated in the way that a traumagenic system's subsystems would occur. They require extreme levels of amnesia and are typically complex, something that a created system would very likely not be able to replicate in the way like OP and I are talking about. This post is for folks with trauma-based CDDs only, not other forms of plurality.)

#dorian #subsystems #did osdd #advice #dissociation #dissociative identity disorder #did #complex did #polyfragmented #polyfrag #endos dni #manybutone

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nonbinaryaubrey · 7 months

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furmori anon here

to be honest, did not think of specific species, past, general type of animal..

so gonna go with, yes aubrey is a rosy maple moth

now gonna explain reasoning

basil is meant to be a lamb as like, sacrifice and innocence, bcus yeah basil is a character portrayed consistently as a sacrifice, weak, and innocent, particularly by Sunny

ram was really just, well basil is a lamb so, stranger had to be in that same general realm, maybe should be a goat instead in the way of a scapegoat but eh

sunny is a lizard bcus, okie he just has lizard vibes, and I think it'd be fun, no real thoughts put into it

omori is a dragon bcus sunny is a lizard, and well, dragons are just cool fantasy lizards, and also, much more powerful than lizards, which, fits the bill... Also... Cool cleansing and overtaking flame imagery, and also, hoarding, which... fits, probably

aubrey is a moth because... Well, my thought process was, metamorphosis symbolism, not as "wow I got better over the years" with a butterfly where they're seen as pretty things, but the less beloved moth, often seen as pests, and less useful (not really being known to pollinate as much), and connections made now, the connection to the spirit world, and how Aubrey is the one who seems most... connected, to Mari, after her passing, in the way of acknowledging her death still

dw aubrey is a larve/caterpillar mostly bcus Aubrey is a moth

mari is a butterfly because... well mainly read a line in a fanfic about how, butterflies, while pretty on the outside, when you look closer most would find rather ugly... in the way that Mari while being kind and definitely trying her best, DID harm Sunny, emotionally, and with the intensity of the violin from what I know, also physically, and was generally a perfectionist, also, a certain show made me really like butterflies as a symbol of trauma/adverse experiences, so yeah... imagine that Something shows up a LOT more, but in much more subtle ways, colored butterflies often flitting about in darker areas, and well... going darker, as the areas get even darker, and bug imagery used for horror, v gud, and would happen here

hero is an eagle literally just because I thought it'd be cool, and Idk, he seems like he'd like birds, didn't really put much thought past that, after checking symbolism on google some of it fits

Kel is a hyena, bcus, well it just made sense in my brain at the time, but, going deeper...

kel is associated with canines in official omori with hector and also just, being shown as one in the little creechur art of him, so, made sense with that aspect, and secondly... the laugh of a hyena, I've heard and have googled to confirm, hyenas don't laugh just out of joy, but also frustration and fear, which... looking at Kel's response to, that, being to keep positive, and still tries to be happy go lucky during the time in current omori, despite definitely facing a lot of very messed up stuff, just... fits, also, google says hyenas can symbolize escapism which... generally fits

okie hope u enjoy and this isn't too cringe <3

NOT CRIGNE AT ALL ANON DO NOT WORRYYY WEE!!! oohghghg I AM STARING AT ALL THIS SO HARD.. the symbolism.. ooouughggh 🥺staring with my big weird bug eyes I ENJOY THIS SO MUUUCH THE THOUGHT PUT INTO THESEE.. esp kel, aub, and MARII!! auugh augh wails in despair.. this is so good ..

#Anonymous #asks #aubrey.txt

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loveyourlovelysoul · 1 year

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How to make better types of friendships?

We all want to have deeper and better relationships, not those that stay on the surface and last a few messages, but we're not always too open for them. We also expect others to start giving to us, asking us, through our half-open doors. But we rarely initiate an interaction. Now tell me, if everyone keeps waiting to initiate, how can we actually have a conversation or even start a friendship? It's good to take a step back, open our door a little more and be the first one showing interest in another person. It's safe to do that, despite our minds sometimes tell us the opposite to cause... we fear rejection. And historically (when we used to live in tribes), being rejected by others meant basically be in a huge life threat. But things have changed nowadays. If by any chance the other person will close their door on us, it's fine: it means we're not for them. But we can survive anyway, and it will still be worth to try. It'll help us as well in making experience for when our people will come in. Rejection is okay, it doesn't mean we're not worthy of any type of releationships on a world-wide scale. We're not in danger. It only refers to one person. And do you know how many people live on this Earth, right? So just try. Contact 5 people you'd like to talk with and see how things go. But remember to show interest in them, so keep the convo going (unless the other tells you differently ofc).

We have self worth issues: we don't feel enough, we have social anxiety (to an extent), we feel like losers, not interesting, boring, too sad, too whiny... and whatever other negative adjective you want to add. If we start this way, we may even just get that: we may really look like losers or too sad or closed off. All this is never of help in letting people in and be curious about us. Start seeing yourself differently: list 10 positive traits, or things you have achieved. Every little thing counts (even getting out of bad on a very tough day, or drinking a glass of water when you needed: you took care of you, and did amazingly). Be more proud about your small achievements: we tend to focus too much on negative parts of ourselves and life, and that's cause of some twisted up self preservation habit (think about wild animals and how they need to survive to their predators: if they kept thinking about being eaten, they would never have the chance to enjoy anything, to even live. That's what we do though: we keep thinking about being eaten by some strange enormous being -that is only inside of us. So we may even fight it and show it we can actually do anything anyway and nothing bad will happen). Starting from seeing ourselves as not good enough for relationships, we assume nobody will like us. This is where we should make a 180° turn. Let's try assuming someone will like us. Let's be propositive and happy. This way, we become unconsciously more open, warmer, welcoming.. all traits that attract people in and make them like us. Ofc there will still be some people that won't, no matter what, but that's okay: we're not made for everyone anyway.

We tend to overthink about what other think, mean by saying a specific word or sentence, or with a specific act (e.g. they cancelled our meeting so they must hate me; they aren't answering immediately to my text so I have hurt them or they hate me). This is where we lose it all. Doing so, overthinking through our self perception and our own life experience (and possible traumas/triggers), we may even end up misinterpreting the other's true intentions. And forget others do have a life of their own as well, so they may even be busy studying, working even playing videogames... just living, but it doesn't mean they hate us or don't care about us. They need time to do things for themselves exactly as we do. Making assumptions about others is rarely of help in understanding them and their true intentions. So try to be objective, get away from your own point of view on a fact, and try to be neutral. Try to see the world from the other's eyes, but even better, ask. Talk. Communicate about your insecurities, fears, worries... Keeping them inside won't be of help in understanding the other, it will just rot inside of you, hurt you, possibly cause pain and mine the relationship. To be open and vulnerable, also mean be ready to have some tough convos on emotions, feelings, experiences, problems. And to be ready to say you have been wrong or have judged the others to ofast based on your own past experiences and fears. Life it's not all about flowers and candies... there's also the other side of it. But having a deep relationship based on trust and security, will help you find common ground and be clear with the other through communication. No fears. No masks. And being understanding of each others' need for space. Focus on what you can control = YOU. How you express yourself, your thoughts, your perception of who you are and what you are saying and doing. Set your values and stick to them. And also remember to set your boundaries and be in control of your ground: you can be kind and still say no to things you don't want to do. Do not people please: this won't bring you your dream friendship or relationship, but only someone toxic taking the best of you. Relationships needs to be balanced, we need to leanr to be open and giving to receive as much. It's also about respect for the other but ourself as well. Show up as the type of person you'd like to interact or have a relationship with. Show yourself what you really deserve. And be ready to only have that back. It's not being picky, is being self respectful. And ofc it will take time and effort, lot of practice, but you'll get there. Trust yourself and your own worth. Know what you need in another person, and be ready to ask for that. You aren't needy, people has needs.

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aprillikesthings · 4 months

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ONE MORE TODAY gghhhh I just want to finish out the first season

s1 ep13 The Battle of Bright Moon

Dear netflix: what the fuck. this show is only really four seasons.

it's like the opposite of what cartoon network did to Steven Universe:

TRUE STORY the actual over-arching plot/backstory of SU doesn't start until halfway through its first season, literally episodes 25 and 26, which were MEANT to be a cliffhanger and then the first episode of the second season, instead of partway through season one.

But a lot of character and world-building does happen before that. So when people aren't sure whether to attempt to watch all of SU (it's......a LOT) I tell them to watch until Lapis Lazuli shows up, because if they don't like at that point, they're not going to --but 90% of the people I know get to those episodes are are like WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED?? WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT???? and keep watching and meanwhile I just cackle because congrats, you're one of us now, have fun being confused!!! It only gets worse!! :)))

(Like seriously every tiny bit of the plot being pushed forward is dependent on more of the backstory/lore being revealed. So much of the plot is just dependent on huge amounts of history and trauma that we learn about at the same time as Steven.)

Also keep in mind each episode is like 11 or 12 minutes, and that's including the intro/credits. It's painfully easy to marathon SU because any single episode is short so you always think "oh just one more" and the next thing you know six hours has gone by.

OKAY back to she-ra

you cannot actually be surprised by this

also everyone's freaking out specifically at the snow/ice, and I keep wondering if Etheria has seasons at all??

She's a little grotesque!

(Gargoyles are specifically water spouts, and called that because of the gargling noise they make. Yes, really. Grotesques are the ones that are decorative. So Catra here is a grotesque, not a gargoyle. /pedantic nerdery)

oh that's just living in Oregon eyooooo

I can't get a good screenshot but Entrapta is yelling into her tape recorder and spinning around in a wheely office chair, I love how much they leaned into her being autistic, she's so happy and stimming like mad.

But also SPEAKING OF SU AGAIN I can't see her with that tape recorder and not think about Peridot ahaha

"April is that from Too Far, the episode that started your OTP" yes. yes it is.

Also I used to have a phone case meant to look like it until I ran it over on my bicycle ):

ANYWAY

plot: activating the Black Garnet runestone is sucking power from the other runestones and making the weather "go screwy."

Having Catra say "IN ENGLISH PLEASE" after every one of Entrapta's infodumps is such a great way of allowing Entrapta to make technical-jargon infodumps and then making them easier for the viewers to understand

oh that's right Entrapta doesn't have a runestone. Makes sense. Her abilities are all technical knowledge, not magic. Which means "Princess" doesn't necessarily mean "has a runestone/magical abilities."

Catra: "We're going to take out Bright Moon's runestone!"

gee, why that one, specifically, i wonder

(i do not wonder)

Bow: She-Ra can't fight off the entire Horde???

SIGH

this is just a nice contrast to the shot of Catra I got earlier

yeah but ALONE?

oh shit she hadn't told everyone Catra had been in the Crystal Castle. And Adora blames herself for Catra getting worse. because of course she does.

STAAAAAAHP

Angella: "But you're too stubborn and hotheadead...and brave, just like your father"

Me: huh I'm really starting to like Angella Me, remembering later plot events: ah right so it hurts more

that thing is pretty

awww they all have some armor now! nice

paused it here by accident, but she looks so fucking DONE, either that or kinda high, hard to say

also I made popcorn

Angella made the Moonstone do a cool sonic wave thing, nice

So this is a problem all shows of this type have: when Adora/She-Ra makes those ships blow up, there's likely Horde soldiers IN them, and does she ever think about those people? that maybe she knew them? that they were forced into being soldiers just like she was?

WAR IS BAD, KIDS

I knew she was gonna be there and I startled anyway

Catra: Y'know, I'm actually glad you made it out of there alive Adora: *moment of visible but short-lived hope*

oof

This whole fight scene is why I'm not the only fic writer to assume at least one of them has nightmares about them trying to kill each other

the temptation to re-write the specific dialogue in my fic to match this scene...

OKAY so it all happens so fast (and animated in a way that makes it clear how much it hurts but also makes it a bit less bloody) but Catra just straight-up drags her claws down She-Ra's back with her full weight behind it, and She-Ra responds by--well, screaming in pain first, but then backing up and slamming Catra into some rocks so hard they shatter, and then they both have a moment of just gasping in pain:

And lemme tell you, I have seen both of those mentioned in fics repeatedly. Mostly Catra seeing Adora's scars and feeling guilt and shame. But one fic has Catra realize she never told Adora that the smashing-on-rocks thing broke a few ribs.

owwwww more scars but on her face this time

Not gonna type up Catra's vicious little speech here, but oh MAN

What is it with these two and CLIFFS

well no but you do tend to distract her (something something Light Hope something something "attachments")

not now Scorpia omg

another example of Cartoon Bondage

part of me was like "WHY does Catra look unreasonably hot in this shot" and then remembered we're literally seeing her from Adora's POV, like we see through her literal eyes as they open and focus on Catra, ahahahah

(Reminds me of a post I saw about why Blackbeard looks the way he does when he meets Stede Bonnet in Our Flag Means Death--there's that slow shot panning up to Blackbeard's face and he's framed in the most attractive way possible--because that's how Stede sees him.)

fAcE tOuChInG

MERMISTAAAAA

PERFUMAAA

She-Ra finally found her healing powers!! WOOOOO

BAHAHAH okay so all the runestones are healed and get little bubbles of protection or something, but this includes the Black Garnet, and all the tech shit attached to it gets blown off, the room goes dark, and all you see:

Entrapta's goggles

ANYWAY the princesses are all back to full strength and there to fight together and woooo VICTORY

defeated by the homosexual agenda

I've hit the image limit despite deleting a few and didn't want to do another two-parter but there's a moment when everyone's like YAY WE WON WOOO and Scorpia and Catra take off in a skiff and Adora watches them go with a face that shows her mixed emotions.

(I have so many thoughts on this, like yay she saved the world (for now), but her friend she's known the longest hates her guts and refuses to be near her except to do a violence, like at least Catra's alive and clearly going to be okay, but I'm sure Adora's trying to do a whole "but we won, so it's fine, everything is fine")

Also Mermista lets Sea Hawk put an arm around her and actually says "Really good job" to him in a way that sounds genuine (given their expressions they totally boned later)

And then She-Ra gets hugged and thanked by Angella and her eyes do a "omg I'm so happy" as she turns back into Adora

And then Catra and Entrapta and Scorpia have a chat with Hordak and knowing what I know about later plot I'm laughing bc this is the first time Entrapta and Hordak interact, and Hordak is like ">:( you failed" and Entrapta's cheerfully all ":D no we didn't! I learned SO MUCH!!", she's just incapable of being afraid of Hordak here

Anyway now Catra is officially second-in-command

AAAAAND END OF SEASON ONE

which means (given the list up there) I am actually 1/4th through the show, NICE, tho I will continue to use Netflix's season numbers on the posts for clarity

#april rewatches spop #the battle of bright moon

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la-scree · 5 months

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Yua and G'raha: Why They Will Never Be Comrades

Before we get into this bit of Yua’s Lore and why it happens, I will need to bring up some Content Warnings. It’ll be marked within the writing but also I’m just gonna say it here as well:

-Torture and Murder

-Suicide Ideation

-Isolation and Loneliness

I also want to point out that it's okay to like very different characters compared to myself. It's something I have to say because Fandom will Fandom but I'm not gonna be an ass just because you like the ketchup cat. We got enough bullshit in the fandom and I'm not the type to piss in someone else's sandbox. With that said…

You’ve probably heard me go on about how Yua has issues with the Scions’ resident catboy and speak briefly about why she feels that way. While I have my own critical thoughts, they do not go as far as how Yua views him. Not yet anyway but his simps (derogatory) are driving me to the point of hating him so your mileage may vary. You’ve heard me throw things such as ‘gets aggro pinged’ when it comes to their so-called relationship but I never really put into a lot of detail as to why. It’s taken me a long time to put it into words so I hope this goes alright, especially since so many things have changed since I had last written things on this (2021) and now it’s 2024. But before I explain why Yua doesn’t have love for G’raha, I’ll need to talk about some of her time before her arrival in Etheirys and why that part of her life made her the way she is.

A Traveler By Not Her Own Choice and Her Own Mental Struggles

Yua has been going through some intense trauma that hasn’t been addressed in years. To be more specific, she has CPTSD due to her time during Persona 4’s end as well as her time in Synodiporia, a game on Dreamwidth where she was constantly travelling between worlds. Within the True Ending of Persona 4, Yua faced the goddess of Death, Izanami (and her start of somehow always getting involved with Death deities) as Hope’s Representative to show that Humanity can make its own choices. During the fight, each member of the Investigation Team took a hit meant for Yua and as a result, died and got ‘dragged to Yomi’.

Yua watched all her friends get killed and dragged to Hell. That’s not a small trauma, even for a Wild Card and someone still in her teenage years. Moreso because she spent a lot of time with them and grew close to them given her lonely life before Inaba. Yes they got revived but still, that’s a horrible thing to witness! And before that, Adachi fought Yua and was left frozen while he pistol whipped her and did his villain monologue. Think what happened in the original anime but the only difference is Yua managing to break free and stab his hand with a piece of glass. Again, a traumatic moment during her teenage years and seen currently by Yua’s fear of guns.

It gets more intense when she was forced by beings called the Arcana to be a pawn in a game that will determine which would run the universe. And because of this, Yua experienced one of the very worst things that can happen to anyone: murdered then brought back to life constantly.

(CW: Talk of torture, death, isolation, and loneliness)

One of the worlds that Yua visited before the events of Syn happened was called Moebius: a sick and twisted prison the Arcana put the Travellers like her in as a means of punishment for telling a group in the previous world who they were and what they were trying to accomplish: it all depended on which Arcana was involved. The purpose of this jaunt was to make sure everyone dies…and replaced the original people with the Travellers. Or rather ‘overlays’ but nitpicking won’t help right now. And there’s another twist to this: there’s a time limit. If they don’t accomplish their goal, time resets and they would have to do this over and over again.

Some of these loops Yua remembers. Some she doesn’t. One she does was when doctors purposely cut her open as a means of torture with no anesthesia and wide awake, being one of her deaths. Another time was where they cut into her torso, another was other travellers killing her, the list goes on. Every single time, Yua was murdered and the scars quite literally remain. And every time she was killed, the arcana revived her like it was nothing. Like her life didn’t matter. This was the start of Yua’s spiral, changing from the positive girl who would be open to anyone to being closed off and much more harsh. This also led to her feeling isolated from the other travellers, including other versions of the Investigation Team when they did not know she existed. Basically, every single person knew Yua as her male counterparts called Souji Seta or Yu Narukami. There was an exception (sort of) with a version of Adachi, being in the role of the Wild Card where he did meet a girl named Seiki. However, she died in a car accident as a young child.

So there was another version of Yua out there…just dead. You can see why this doesn’t help.

She couldn’t really hold strong friendships or connections except with Adachi (who will be called Herodachi so it differs) and Minako Arisato, the FEMC from Persona 3 Portable. Even with those, the isolation grew strong as Travellers would sometimes get stuck within various spaces specialised to themselves called dungeons. What’s in a dungeon depends on the person and their emotional state. Sometimes calm and other times hectic and dangerous. Typically, someone stuck in a dungeon needs help getting out from others but there are very rare exceptions.

Yua was the only one.

She was stuck in her own personal hell of isolation, loneliness, and making sure she didn’t die to Shadows. She pulled herself out and while on the surface, this sounds heroic and shows how strong and tough she is but it wears on her the more the journey goes on. Others are trapped in their own dungeons and there is always help at the ready, including Yua because that’s how she’s always been: willing to help others, right?

She was always willing to lend a hand to help another in trouble…but no one ever came for her. Yua had to pull herself out of her dungeon not just once but twice. And yet no one came.

She began to feel hollow. Even while talking with others, she started to feel numb. The one who noticed was Herodachi and after speaking to him, he noticed her eyes looking distant, losing their light and life. He knew what was going on. And it was his words that helped pull Yua back from despair. Not completely but a small step:

“Hey…don’t go Empty on me.”

Just like Cylva when explaining about Ardbert’s reaction upon learning who she was, Yua too was shown care and was undone. She broke down into tears and cried as he hugged her. Despite all of this, Yua’s traumas still remained. She cannot sleep without assistance and when she can sleep, there’s usually nightmares. She fears guns and doctors and hospitals by extension, refusing to be seen unless there is a dire emergency. She wants to be able to die without being brought back, having ideation thoughts of suicide and wondering if she’d find peace that way. She starts to look at Hope as a curse but she can’t bring herself to despair because everyone will depend on her. Her counterparts are typically male and the only counterpart who was in fact female is dead. Was she meant to be?

Safe to say that Yua suffers from CPTSD due to this…and G’raha’s actions in Shadowbringers sadly made them much worse. Remember the phrase ‘The road to Hell is paved with Good Intentions’ because that’s what happens and the consequences of these actions end up with him leaving in 5.55.

(End of CW)

Fighting Back Against An Idealised Version

One of the biggest reasons why this will never be is that G’raha cannot take off the rose tinted glasses of idol worship. In the recent lorebook, a passage stated that as the Crystal Exarch, he spread the story of someone called the Warrior of Darkness based on Yua from the memoirs from Edmont de Fortemps and his own biases from when he and her went into the Crystal Tower. Certainly it didn't matter that she threw him into a tent when they officially met because he was playing around and hiding the sand she needed in a den full of ixal. Or that Yua only saw him like a co-worker; someone who was fine and that’s it. His plan was basically to summon Yua to the First, let her hold a ton of tainted Light until the right moment where he can try to be a Big Damn Hero and take all the nasty aether along with himself and die.

In his eyes, Yua Narukami can do no wrong. She is strong, kind, sweet, caring, and cannot do any wrong. To him, she has no problem that she cannot overcome. She’s the Warrior of Light after all, the pinnacle of heroism. To G’raha Tia, Yua is Perfect. And how does his hero take this mindset?

Very badly.

During every single interaction before Rak’tika, Yua acts antagonistic because he keeps trying to change the subject, always hiding something. He acts like he’s apologetic for the Scions’ predicament but Yua refuses to hear it. After all, how could she trust a man who kept her in the dark and refused to show under his cowl? From the get go, Yua refuses to be anything like an ally to him, bringing up during their first Occular meeting that he’s not being nice but rather trying to not fuck up more. When G’raha says that he hopes that there is some form of trust between them after telling her the troubles of the First, Yua wasn’t having it.

"No, I don't trust you at all because you're practically holding people hostage and I got no choice in the matter."

Besides the idol worship, she absolutely hates her ability to make a choice and her bodily autonomy taken away. While yes he does say something along the lines of ‘you don’t have to do this’, there’s no other option. Just the illusion of one.

Yua usually cuts through the bullshit and will say things as she sees them; this is why she never gets involved in politics because she knows she’s bad at them. Any kind of potential idol worship she sees from him, Yua quickly shoots it down until she sees the results of it after Innocence’s fight and G’raha’s attempt at sacrifice. In fact, she managed enough strength to call him a ‘fucking coward’ and that distraction was enough for Emet to use the Gun Spell. The kicker is that moment pissed her off not just because of the idol worship but what his ‘heroic sacrifice’ showed her: a hollow message.

His words meant nothing because Yua attempted to try and understand him after Rak’tika, asking what motivates him but he side stepped her questions. When the ascian Emet-Selch was more upfront with her, Yua trusted him more. Even to the point of falling in love with him despite knowing what will happen. It pained her to kill Emet but she knew it needed to be done because no one else can save the fucking universe it seems.

G’raha’s sacrifice would be hollow to Yua, especially since she has seen several others back in a shadow world stand against a death goddess. And to keep Yua safe, each of them pushed her aside and took the hits meant for her. She watched them get dragged to Yomi and die. The friends she shared meals with, fought alongside with, talked to every day, celebrated festivals with, made a genuine connection with…that caused her pain and made her flashback. And it made her more angry because G’raha basically spat on the memory of her dear friends.

Yua only rescued him because he needed to send the Scions back home but outside of that, she couldn’t give a shit less about him. And why should she after everything he put her through like holding all that tainted Light and messing her body up more, doing things that brought back traumatic memories and triggering her cptsd? Hearing about his time travelling in order to save this timeline and mostly her? Boy howdy was she reminded of those Moebius time loops. She refused to talk to him outside of any Scion meetings because she didn’t want to break down and get triggered every single time, instead trying to take care of herself. But her breaking point and the Point of No Return was after fighting Elidibus in his Warrior of Light form.

You’re Not Meant For This Place. Don’t You Dare Grow Here

When Yua learned what Elidibus was, her plan was to defeat him and make sure he returned to the star and rest. Also because a primal being loose is not a good thing as most know by now. Because of her own circumstances and thoughts on death, she thought it was best. It sounded like it was going to go that way…until G’raha did a Very Big Stupid Thing by announcing that he was going to seal Elidibus in the Crystal Tower and make him power it until he is no more. It’s a Very Big Stupid Thing because to Yua, it’s absolutely cruel to force someone that shouldn’t stay to be used as a battery. Not only that but saying that he was going to trap the ascian made her flashback back to her own trapped life in her dungeon back in Liminal. She refused to let it happen and she tried to stop him but unfortunately, G’raha was quicker and casted Break on her. It lasted long enough for Yua to witness Elidibus being trapped and the one responsible still standing. Well, close enough since the magic ended up costing his body to rapidly turn to crystal. Seeing the horror and pain in Yua’s eyes, he tried to speak up but he only got a look of pure disgust and silence. This was the final straw for her as she felt a deep ache, a familiar gnawing at her soul…a numbness. She had witnessed G’raha Tia at his worst and Yua was not going to answer to him at all. Instead, she turned her back to him, quite literally and left him to turn to crystal all alone. Yua in pain could only think of one thing even in silence:

Suffer.

Yua’s heart grew cold that moment and the Scions noticed quickly when Lyna handed her G’raha’s crystal vessel and asked her to keep it safe on the journey home. Yua in turn responded bluntly and with venom that if she didn’t have a soft spot and cared about Lyna, she’d smash the damn thing. It was looking into Yua’s eyes that made Lyna not say anything, seeing the pain…seeing the light dim. His actions made Yua relive her fears, her worst moments and how could she talk to the Scions about them when they never knew she was from another universe? The only one who had any inkling was Krile and that was more of a forced thing back in Eureka.

Once everyone was back on the Source, Yua simply left G’raha’s crystal vessel to Krile and told her to do what she wished with it. She was going to take no part of what happened next and she was right. She didn’t want to see the face of the man who kept hurting her, even in the name of the greater good. It was bullshit and Yua would have shut herself in her house if it wasn’t for someone she had met while exploring Rabanastre and learning about Ivalice: Misija. Instead of the MSQ during 5.4 and 5.5, Yua was in Bozja helping Misija with understanding her ancestor’s role and to stop Misija’s former legion comrades from taking over. Didn’t mean they cared about the resistance but they had to work with them for their goals. It was during this campaign that Yua became more brutal on the battlefield, including breaking limbs of several Bozjan Resistance members who were nobles due to overhearing them belittle Misija and her origins. The other resistance members feared her but said nothing because this was the Warrior of Light and who knows what would happen if anyone pissed her off. Let’s just say thank god that Yua had both Misija and Estinien in her corner to pull her out of that despair.

It was because of them that Yua finally managed to gather her courage to do two things:

-Tell the Scions that she was Not Okay

-Challenge G’raha to a brawl

That second one is what I’m going to focus on for this since it does involve him. This may have sounded like something Yua shouldn’t do but she realized that using her words wasn’t going to be enough; sometimes you have to beat up a simp hard enough so they have to listen. And that’s what she did, even as he refused at first. But Yua wasn’t going to let him go until they settled things. No, she was going to make sure he sees and hears what she has to say. What happened was constant fighting back and forth with both weapons and words, both of them saying what they felt was right. G’raha tells her that he had no purpose, no hope, and did everything to make sure that the Source and the First wouldn’t fall and kill more people. That his life had no meaning and sacrificing himself would have been the best call. Only for Yua to tell him that she wouldn’t have seen him as such. Heroic sacrifices to her are never heroic nor are they noble; it’s just something to make the person feel good before they become food for the worms. Besides, if she can’t die, he gets no pass to fucking give up because of depression.

After all, she’s had thoughts of wanting to end it all. She’s gone through so many horrors and yet people expect her to grin and bear it. She’s the fucking hero after all, a godsdamned IDOL. Who the hells does this pathetic man think he is?! And she tells him that she will never forgive him for what he’s done to her. She would leave the Scions if it came to it because fuck being in the same space as the man who hurt her and being told to smile and nod and be happy.

No.

Fuck. That.

After this, G’raha does leave the story and stays as a Scion in the field. Yua never sees him again. Although I can’t say the same for other characters but that’s for another time.

I’ve constantly fought with myself since Endwalker’s release to figure out what kind of relationship would Yua and G’raha have. Would I follow canon? Would Yua be able to forgive him? Could they be civil? But the more people asked me about her story and seeing a lot of wolqotds on Twitter about the themes of their WoLs, I kept answering that Yua’s main theme was about Healing. Not really in the physical sense but rather her being able to open up about her traumas, being able to speak about her fears and make connections again like she did as a teenager. There’s no cure to CPTSD but having a good support system might help her in the right direction. I bet some who are reading this might be asking about forgiveness being needed to heal and move on. That in order to love, one needs to let go and forgive the one who wronged them. However, this is Yua’s story and in her case, she doesn’t need it. Forgiveness is earned and it’s not up to the person who wronged her but up to Yua. Being unable to forgive is not an evil thing. She has moved on and is slowly letting go of the pain G’raha caused by being able to talk about it and express her own feelings. She takes what she has learned and tries to do the things like communicate with people about her thoughts and feelings.

Yua feels loved with her group of friends and loves and small family. She felt seen and heard and not given empty reassurances. She didn’t need to forgive someone who has hurt her to move on and feel like a person again. Someone does not need to forgive the people who have hurt them in order to move on and live a better life. Healing also means doing what is best for the person, including self-love and not offering forgiveness. And it’s something Yua is finally able to do.

#ffxiv #ffxiv wol #yua narukami #yua lore #g'raha fucked up big time #g'raha tia #cw: torture mention #cw: murder #cw: isolation #cw: suicidal ideation

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thisdreamplace · 2 years

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i really admire your energy and how in love with life and the world you are. i'd like to reach a similar point too but im finding the 3d unbearable and the fact that im God and the one creating this for myself was pretty freeing at first because it meant that I could change it but 2 years later, everything is worse and knowing im the one responsible is devastating. specifically, i don't understand how to focus on the 4d and leave the 3d alone when the whole point of me getting into loa was to change my life (3d AND 4d). its great to see people emphasising the 4d and love and peace but im human, i have more than just those 3 feelings. i know the inner me is God but im still in a human body in a human experience and ignoring the 3d has made me miserable. i'd like to direct this experience and give myself the opportunity to do, see, hear and feel the things i have experienced in imagination, in the 3d too. I have lived in the 4d for two years now, it's vivid and feels real to the point where hours pass with me visualising a certain scene but once that's over something in the 3d happens and my stomach drops and i have to go back to my imagination and convince myself that i don't feel my heart breaking. it works for a while, i feel powerful or whatever and then i open my eyes and nothing has changed for the better.

my friends who don't believe in the law go out and live their lives and make progress and i have had nothing but stagnancy. they were born not wealthy but not poor either and can afford to support themselves with help from their parents and now independently. they have great personalities and are genuinely good people and I want to be like them too. I keep seeing them get specific things that I want for myself and on one hand im so happy for them and proud that they're having their dreams come true... im ashamed to admit that my blood may have turned green with the envy and jealousy i feel. but that's the truth. i thought i could revise or manifest my way to support as well, not just financially but emotionally, giving myself better parents, better relationships, health and more. i feel stuck and like im running out of time to catch up not just with them, but with where i thought i would be by now. im being vague because I don't want to trauma dump but mentally, this is taking a toll. i really can't go through another year, another birthday feeling such unspeakable pain.

do you have any advice on how i can fix this? should i just leave the law altogether? I know it's hard to give up the law completely one you find it but if going back to believing in "false gods" gives me what i want, then is it so bad? if Judaism can give me love or Buddhism can give me peace or astrology or tarot can guide me to money and maybe the Christian God can grant all of the above, then are they so bad? even if, in the back of my mind I'll most likely always think of them as placebos, it could still work, no? i'd be giving up the pearl but i'd be more satisfied in the 3d that I have to wake up to every morning.

i think that a lot of what youre saying is entirely important bc i know youre not the only one with those type of questions and feelings. everything that youre saying to me is very similiar to how i felt before i finally allowed myself to experience life in a more loving and beautiful and soft way.

i also felt the same, learning about the law and feeling like i had all this control over my life. it felt like i finally found home. then 2 years passed. of course, i did manifest things because youre always going to. its simply automatic. but even with each success, so much of life was still really hard and unbearable, mainly because i was counting on the law to do the thing everyone swore it does. i couldnt understand why things, the things i really wanted, were not showing up. so after 2 years i said fuck this, i am not living this way for a third year. i think its important to note something. how you feel so responsible for everything. its time to let that go. i challenge you to stop upholding yourself to someone else's belief system and use you, your own experience, as a guide. can you really say that for the past 2 years you sat there and actively manifested misery ? or do you believe that bc someone else says thats how it works ? beginning to ask yourself these questions is the way out. use your life experience as the truth, not someone else's claims. i also know what you mean, as it is frustrating and confusing to hear people tell you tthat you can have everything you want (in the 3d) and then to turn around and tell you to focus on the inner world (4d) and let the rest go. because like u said, thats exactly why we come here. for the outer experience ! i think its important to be said, because it allows us to start cracking through the toxic world that manifesting became. because youre right, how are we meant to do both ? well we're not. we are only meant to focus on the inner world (bc we literally have no choice) and let the rest flow. the controversial part is that, where that flows, is exactly where we are meant to go. and sometimes its in different directions than we originally thought it would be. this is why i resisted it for a long time myself. until ofc, like you, i couldnt take it anymore. suddenly my desires didnt feel more important than i was. suddenly i realized how i feel on a daily basis, regardless of anything, is what truly matters.

i think that your friends are a light shining into your life, showing you how smooth and easy life can flow. without even trying. you dont need to feel bad tbh. i think after 2 years, it is beyond normal to start feeling some type of way. i know i did at times ! i would see people in my life, who do little focus on their inner world, getting the things the law promised me i would get. of course, i could feel happy for them but utterly bad about myself and my life at the same time. how could it come to them so easily when i was the one following everything the law told me to do ? i just didnt get it. until it all made sense. it came to them because they were just living life. because they were just being. they didnt have this haunting in the back of their mind everyday, every second, telling them this thing could show up soon. they didnt analyze themselves everyday. they didnt even have a perfect sense of knowing. they just sort of knew what they wanted, and knew either it could or even could not happen, and went on every day. just being... them. and it was enough. so many lightbulbs started going off for me then. i think this is your moment too, to take a step back and start recognizing what simply isnt working for you, no matter who claims its the way. its not your way. i know exactly what you mean because every birthday since i have found out about the law, i have cried or had a meltdown on the day or after it. no matter how beautiful or full of love each birthday was. i couldnt see it or feel is fully. because instead, it was like fuck, another year has passed and this isnt what i saw for myself. what you said truly brings up old memories for me. it reminds me why i left. so if anything, just know you arent alone. this is so normal for many people who spent so much time trusting in what they were learning, and im glad more people are coming to terms with the fact something simply was not right for them !

its time to recognize that you never did anything wrong. i know i didnt and i know you didnt either. its so much easier to blame the person, so that the ego can continue to get high off the promise of control. if you blame the person, then you can still believe in that sense of total control. its a lot easier to do so than to come to terms with the fact that total control isnt what we thought it was when we first came to the law. and not everyone is ready for that convo ! but i put so much into myself, so i won't let anyone sit here and gaslight me and even attempt to say that certain things didnt work for me because i was not doing X enough or i wasnt X enough. and you shouldnt take that either ! not even from yourself ! for me, i know it unfolded that way for the simple fact i was being called to follow myself. and after doing so, ive literally never been lighter. this has quite literally been the most mentally healthy and most joyful year i have had since being alive. and i spent most of this year doing me. not worrying about manifestations.

i will say this. it is hard to give up the law initially, especially after an extended amount of time (years), because you have ingrained it into yourself. it will feel like youre crazy, it will feel like youre lying to yourself. i think that the law is explained in a way that makes it really easy to get trapped, because of how much responsibility is burdened onto your human self. at times you will want to guilt yourself and tell yourself everything is your fault and wonder why you manifested something, because that was your conditioning for the past two years. but i promise you, if you listen to yourself and follow what feels right that starts to go away. if i use my experience as evidence, i know my beliefs arent placebo effects or lies. because its literally been evident in my life. like that, the weight of the law starts to melt away. i stop feeling my human self as so responsible, and allow my true self to take responsibility and trust in that flow. too many of us take on our true selves as our human selves. its simply not the same thing. the god within is always leading you to where you're meant to go and the truth is many people are resistant towards that, so they choose to play god instead as this allows a feeling of more control. this is your wake up call happening now, telling you that the old way simply isnt working.

i also want to clarify that in none of this am i trying to saw the law is fake. manifestation is real. i just think that there is a reframing of it that is beginning to happen that will allow more people to live healthier, happier, softer lives. i think its okay to say "this isnt what i thought it was" rather than to force yourself everyday through the pain, telling yourself that once you just do X right then it will work for you too. that pain is trying to talk to you and tell you to stop, it doesnt have to be that difficult.

i rly felt like this was important to answer. whatever you decide to do anon, i hope that its smth that makes your heart sing. <3

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thenexusofsouls · 2 years

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What would the circumstances have to be for Freya to fall in love again? What type of person would she be interested in?

{i am the caretaker of souls} Alright, I promise I will not turn this into a rant about Freya's psychology too much because we'll be here all night if I do that, heh. I'll just try to get to the heart of your questions, because honestly I could rant for days about everything involving Freya and love, haha. Under the cut because LONG.

What would the circumstances have to be for Freya to fall in love again?

Well... I'm not sure how this would happen since she was fatally wounded, but she would be most receptive to love after the events of Winter’s War. This is for two reasons. First, she learned that Ravenna, and not her lover, killed her daughter. Now granted, her lover technically did kill her daughter but it was made clear that Ravenna used some kind of magic on him to compel him to do so and that he otherwise wouldn't have done it. So that would shake her entire trauma-coping axiom of "love always ends in betrayal" enough for her to question if it really might be possible to have a successful loving relationship.

Second, Eric and Sara pretty much proved to her that yeah, sometimes love does manage to get through everything unscathed. They both survived the first time she tried to keep them apart, ended up back together despite everything, and were still together at the end of the movie. I think Freya was a bit biased against Eric specifically, since she tried to kill him initially but only chose to imprison and punish Sara. Maybe she sees women as victims and men as abusers or aggressors because of what she had thought her lover had done to their child. And then when she meets them outside of Sanctuary to acquire the mirror, she makes a comment to Eric something to the effect of, "You knew, didn't you? You knew she would betray you and you spared her still." And correct me if I'm wrong, but I see a bit of confusion and/or surprise on her face and hear it in her voice as well. She genuinely doesn't understand why someone would allow a betrayal like that. At the end, just before Freya dies, she says to them as they hold each other, "How lucky you are." It mirrors the beginning of the movie when she said it to all the children in Eric and Sara's original group when she first stole them from their village. Except back then, she meant that they were lucky to have been saved from all of love's evils, whereas at the end of the movie, she means that they are lucky to apparently have a love that is unbreakable. The fact that Freya thinks they're lucky for that reason is her indirectly admitting that she wishes she had a love like that too.

So after she learns her lover didn't actually betray her, and after she sees through Eric and Sara that true, loyal, unselfish love is actually possible, I think a lot of Freya's trauma coping mechanisms would be placed in question. Namely, leaning hard into the fact that love essentially must have been an evil force to hurt her so much and that others should be saved from its destructive powers. The events of the movie throw a wrench into that which would crack the façade she'd built around herself for years and given that she obviously wants to love and be loved, and still has the capacity to love (no one will ever tell me she didn't love her "children"), I think it would be most possible for her at that time. If she'd managed to survive her wounds, of course.

I think before that time, she would have been a much harder nut to crack, but no impossible. I think more of the circumstances of how Freya might love again have to do with the types of men who might pursue her...

What type of person would she be interested in?

Someone very confident as a person and in their own skin, most definitely, but as far as personality... I think there are two types of people who could win her over with the right amount of persistence.

I actually have written Freya in a ship with one of my friends OCs, Talyc ( @bloodwontwashout ), who pretty much wins her over in ever thread with what I think boils down to two things: persistence and not letting her get away with her own bullshit. Talyc is an alpha male type personality, he's very confident, he doesn't back down from something - or someone - that he wants, and he isn't afraid to call people out on their bullshit. Freya is used to being in charge and having no one challenge her, so when Talyc does, they clash in a way that usually ends up in a ship, heh. I've written threads with Freya and Talyc during the events of the Winter's War, before it, and in a crossover verse where we kindof threw Freya's world and Talyc's world together and they were vying for territory, and every time, he ends up winning her over eventually. Sometimes it's by calling her out on how much her "do not love" law makes no sense, or how easily he can see that she either doesn't believe it or doesn't want to believe it.

Sometimes I've written Eric and Sara as well to have their whole deal in the background while Talyc is watching Freya dealing with them and being like... okay but why? Heh. He challenges her supposed beliefs that she hides behind to cope with her trauma and gets her to admit to him and to herself that she doesn't really want to believe that love is a lie. Freya's fragile mental state depends on no one questioning her, and when Talyc does, she eventually crumbles and he's there to pick up the pieces. In every type of thread, Talyc doesn't give up. He's persistent. That's essential for anyone who wants to win Freya over because she's her own best obstacle, and she will avoid the issue, deflect to something else, or shut down her potential ship until he goes away. Well, Talyc doesn't go away, he tries harder, heh, and the result is that Freya is pushed past the point of what her glass house (or ice house, haha) of carefully constructed lies she tells herself can withstand, and when that breakthrough happens and she's forced to process and deal with her trauma in a better way, Talyc is there to help her through it.

Something else Talyc uses in his arguments as to why Freya should be with him is having more children. His background and situation usually revolves around the importance of legacy and having children is a big part of Talyc's personal legacy. In many verses he had a wife and son who were killed, so especially in verses where he's lost his family, Freya can relate to that pain, and I think that gives Talyc a special kind of automatic in with her on some level. Him suggesting that they would both want to have more children after losing their own... That goes a long way with her. Because she does want to have more children. She misses her daughter. You can’t tell me she doesn’t with the way she sits by that empty cradle and just... broods. She's hard-pressed to admit that to anyone, or even to herself, but she does.

So yeah, I think someone who could meet her on her own level, possibly also royalty, but also meet her on her own trauma and confidence levels... that's who's going to win her own. Freya is a very strong personality, so you have to be able to be strong along with her and be willing to be patience and persistent enough to not put off by her first ten rejections, heh. Because she will look right in the eye of someone she has feelings for and is attracted to and tell him to leave and never come back if you let her. So it takes some who can get through the walls she builds around herself.

I will say... that Talyc is a very intense personality. There are a lot of hardcore aspects to his way of thinking and his background. I think the opposite type of personality might also have a chance with Freya. Someone like Eric, for example. I am NOT suggesting Eric himself, that would not work, heh, but I more mean someone with Eric's personality, specifically either before he and Sara are separated or after he finds out she's still alive. In between that time, with the first movie, he got very dark and combative, but let's just look at his happier times. He was very easy going, comfortable with who he was, and he really didn't care what anyone thought of him or if they agreed with him, how stupid or silly he looked, etc. When Mrs. Bronwyn tries to get through to Eric that Sara has betrayed them, he replies very casually with a cheerful smile, "I don't need you to believe what I believe," because he has decided that Sara is still on their side and no one's going to tell him otherwise. He’s stubborn, but in a very endearing sort of way. Someone like that... I think might eventually get through to Freya. He's fine with being the only one in the room who believes something, and once he believes in something or someone, there's no shaking it.

I'm not sure why someone as goodhearted as an Eric type personality would want to be with an "evil" queen, but assuming they did, I think her coldness (no pun intended lol) and attempt at being emotionless up against someone who wears their heart on their sleeve and who is very openly and warmly emotional might lead to something eventually. Whereas someone like Talyc will chip away at Freya's ice until he's made a hole big enough to get through, someone with Eric's personality would melt it slowly over time to where she becomes emotionally attached gradually because he just doesn't go away, haha. Eric was very persistent with Sara and wasn't going to give up on their marriage, and again, I think Freya needs that same kind of stubbornness in a potential ship because she's not going to let her guard down easily.

So I think it's going to take someone very confident and persistent, for sure, but then beyond that it'd take someone who's going to actively and directly push through her mental defenses and coping mechanisms, OR, it'd take someone who is just so genuinely warm and kindhearted to remind her of who she used to be and what she wanted years ago and be able to get her back at least partway to being that woman again.

AND THAT WAS LONG, I'M SO SORRY, heh. I have a lot to say about Freya, so be warned... any future questions might lead to similar rants, haha.

#muse: freya #{ i am the caretaker of souls } ᵒᵒᶜ

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angeltism · 1 month

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What the fuck even is this. Massive ass idfk-what ramble under the cut. Warning for me briefly-ish mentioning my abuse but in no detail. Hooray!

Whenever I think about my jealousy, I often think about being told as a suuuper young child during a conversation about polyamory that if your partner is only with you, you get their entire heart. If your partner is with other people as well, you get half, a third, whatever amount of their heart. And this meant that they loved you, and all their other partners less than they would if they were in a monogamous relationship. This implied that polyamorous relationships were less loving, and therefore inferior to monogamous relationships.

At the time I knew it felt wrong, disappointing, but I mean I was a tiny child with no relationship experience and who had never actually met anyone in a polyamorous relationship, so I kinda just. Accepted it? And that kinda just. Stuck with me, I think. And in general, I've always been told that polyamory just complicates things, makes it easier to get your heart broken, all that kind of stuff. I think hearing all of this, as well as having my abandonment issues, kinda drilled the idea of viewing other people as a threat when I like someone. To me, it.. kinda set me up to be horrendously jealous, in a way? I don't fully blame it because yes, I've generally been in a lot of situations where people I loved did not love me the same, and instead loved others much much more. But that has happened whether or not I was dating someone who was polyamorous, whether I was dating someone who wasn't poly but still was close to others in other ways, or even just if I was merely friends with someone who just.. had other friends they placed above me. The person being poly or not wasn't the problem, and it definitely was not the source of my unhappiness (and in the case of the one person I dated who did have other partners, it was not the main source of my unhappiness, and was really just. uncomfortable. any genuine distress he caused me was, well, the fucking abuse and neglect and love bombing, not just him having other partners.)

Love isn't a finite thing, it's not like a cake that you cut into slices to be able to give some to everyone, but the less people there are the bigger the portion everyone else gets. Love, and I should clarify I mean all forms — not just romantic, is something that most are able to give and give and give and not have to ration or portion between those they want to give it to. I say most people, as I imagine this is not a universal experience, and I myself have times where I put lots of effort into a specific someone and then am less able to be there with others I know, but I always make it up and it does not mean I love them any less. Our time and energy are finite, to varying degrees, but I think when we really love someone we're able to trust that they love us even if they've been busy and/or tired and less able to express it.

What matters isn't the type of relationship, or how many people are involved, but the people the relationship is between. People who are less affectionate will simply be less affectionate, people who are neglectful and don't care about the needs of others will be that way in a monogamous relationship just as they'd be in a polyamorous one.

Example, the abuse I faced was not because my abuser was polyamorous, he didn't cheat because he was poly, he didn't make me jealous on purpose because he was poly. Everything he did, even in terms of his other partners, and especially the things unrelated to that and him outright cheating on me happen all the time in monogamous relationships. The horrendous distress and trauma I faced wasn't because he was poly, and I find that blaming it on that minimizes the things he did.

Having this weird realization kinda? Shook me? Because I've always had thoughts like "ah, this person is interacting with someone else, this means they love me less. I must mean nothing to them." but I realized. When I talk to others, I don't love other people I know any less. I love two people deeply, with vaguely the same kind of love, and I also am horrendously head over heels for someone else romantically. I love them all so much, and none of them subtract from the amount that I care for the others. I've.. kinda gained a bit more understanding for polyamorous people, I think, because my brain has finally stopped with the whole "ranking people by importance and how much I love them because I surely cannot love too many people this much at once" thing it did for so long. And that it assumed every other human on planet earth was hardwired to do. The thing that caused me so much distress and jealousy and possessiveness.

All of this isn't to say people won't have favorites, or people they're closer to than others. Those I've known for longer are more likely to be the ones I think about, tell things about myself to, what have you, but again, none of this means I love others any less. I dunno, all of this seems really obvious now but it really wasn't for my entire life up until like, two hours ago. I don't even know if this is legible or if I made grammar mistakes or whatever the hell, but uh. I don't really care ?? This was first and foremost for me, more on the "using tumblr as a digital diary" end of the "things I post on here" spectrum. If you read all of this, wow. That sure is something.

#➳ the fool speaks

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