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#but my thoughts are limitless how am I meant to live like this

sexydreamgirl · 1 year

Note

hey heraa, i would REALLYYY appreciate if you helped me out on this one question that has been killing me rn (it’s in bold on the bottom just incase u want to skip the tangent)

honestly, if i succeed in fulfilling myself that you replied, it'll raise my faith a little bit when/if I see that you replied.

I've been on this journey for the longest time I'm talking divineangelbee, planet, cine, bibi, dreamgrlsworld, daphne, the void obsession, the alpha waves, the mindless or just feeling while affirming, the self and void concept challenges for 2 weeks, and now applying states after edward art and neville and having things click with aphroditeapprentice and blushydior etc ; applying for months. But guess what idk what is happening and what's holding me back!

i know that if i was in the state, I obviously wouldn't be sending this message but since it doesn't matter what I do in the 3D and my human self wants to ask for help, I will ask for guidance.

I've even fulfilling myself, returning to the wish fulfilled whenever I think of my desire, I prioritize the inner man over getting physical results but you know, if someone was doing it right, it would reflected by now right? of course it would because it's the law.

I don't why it hasn't done so yet and l'm slowly and at the same time very quickly losing my faith because it's been like what, 2/3 years since I found out about the law from tumblr? I KNOW I'm meant to be living my dream life in a little cottage in Europe or big mansion in LA, I KNOW I was meant to succeed and live a life of my dreams because I deal with hard things in my life, I AM! MEANT TO SUCCEED. but what am I doing wrong if it's been months of fulfilling myself that it should've been my dominant state already? I feel good and every time I doubt, I know and tell myself that I ALREADY experience my desire in imagination and it HAS to reflect?

thank you, if you answer this I really would appreciate it :)

I'm going to try my best to answer this without further confusing you so sit tight and in the case that I do bring forward any confusion, do let me know.

In a nutshell, the point of manifesting (or moreso the purpose of life itself) is to appease hunger. That is, to free yourself from the feeling of desire (wanting something) by giving it to yourself whether it's money, the mansion, the dream life, appearance, I could go on and on because whatever you want to acquire is possible of being acquired (because imagination is limitless). If you know the law, you know imagination creates reality so imagination will always be your workshop and that is essentially how you change self (I AM).

Imagination isn't separate from reality because imagination is reality itself. Man's greatest downfall has been to separate the two as completely independent when that could not be further from the truth. When you turn to imagination and you use it to think about what it would feel like to have the face card and the mansion and the dream life, you are present in that moment to the point where it feels like a real experience. If you allow yourself to bask in the feeling of the wish fulfilled, it's as real of an experience as you reading this very post. Neville has previously discussed procuring the wish fulfilled in a way as if you are traveling through time to the end and witnessing the outcome firsthand, then you make your way back to the present and trust that it will unfold as you experienced. It's like when you watch a film you've previously watched and you already know what the ending is, you don't stop to think what could happen, you already know what will because you saw it yourself.

If time is a relevant concern for you and you're looking around to see if it's there, I'm afraid to say you haven't fully yielded to it. You simply thought of it and not from it. If you experienced it and knew that it was done, you would be appeased from hunger and you wouldn't desire it anymore. How could you want something you already have? Time is an obstacle that is standing in between you and the state of consciousness that asserts you as being someone who has the desire in question already in their possession. When you nail yourself to that state and I mean you fully yield yourself to it to the point where you don't feel separate from it anymore, the feeling of desire will vanish. You don't care about time, you don't care about the senses, nothing moves you. Why would it if you know it's yours? (Hint: this is the Sabbath)

I constantly receive so, so many "I did all of this, why hasn't it happened?" questions and I believe you when you say you really gave it your entire heart, but you should sit and ask yourself genuinely if you actually focused more on the thing itself versus quenching the desire you have for it.

I'm here once again to swear by the State Akin To Sleep and why I love it so much. I won't repeat the process since I went into it quite extensively so I highly suggest you read the post.

“Whatsoever you desire, when you pray, believe that you have received it, and you will.”

When I started understanding the SATS through the idea of it as "praying", it made so much more sense to me. You're not visualizing to get, you're visualizing to feel its reality so desire vanishes. If you use imagination to feel its reality (believe that you have received it), the 3D will follow and it shall materialize. This is one of the reasons why I love the state akin to sleep so much. It's such a simple and easy way to define the end and identify yourself with it.

When I use the SATS, I let myself sit with the wish fulfilled by thinking of what the end would look like, what would I hear, who would I be with, what would I see, etc. and I focus on it until I'm consumed by the feeling and acceptance of it and then bring myself back. I trust that my prayer has been answered because I felt the reality of it, so that must mean it's already mine. If for some reason I would feel doubtful or separate from that state of consciousness, I would simply induce the state again and focus on its reality. Do this as many times as you need to until you no longer feel compelled to because you're certain that your prayer has been heard (See: the Sabbath).

I highly encourage you to assess how you're going about manifesting and to use the State Akin To Sleep to catch the mood so you can nail yourself to it. You said it best yourself, you were meant to succeed and live the life of your dreams. Remember that failure is only an option if you let it be one. Don't give up, my love <3

#hera's greatest hits

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acknowledgetheabsurd · 2 months

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[3 p.m.]

You did not write to me yesterday. And this day, so beautiful outside, is poisoned for me. I needed your letter today. Or rather its absence makes me see how much I need it every day. This paper, these words always repeated, what an isolation, isn't it? But I wish you wouldn't go away. Just now, sad, a little frustrated, I tried to imagine a future without you. I beg you, my darling love, whatever happens, never leave me. Do whatever you want, I'll put up with everything from you but be mine.

What I say to you is very serious and long meditated: the link which binds me to you is from now on that of life itself. If it is cut, it is agony and madness. I underline this to you and I write to you very coldly, with the certainty of those who have experienced what they say. Do this for me, will you? Put this letter aside and if one day you are tempted to reject me, read it again. It will tell you the truth that I discovered with fear one day: that, in spite of what I thought I was and in spite of all that I am apparently fulfilled with, I am nothing without you - only a desperate and now barren selfishness.

You are life and what binds me to it. I owe you a new being in me, or rather the one I really was and which had never been born. That is why you belong to me absolutely and forever, as a mother belongs to the one she has created. I am not crazy in telling you this. It is I, the one you know, the clear one, the lucid one, who is speaking to you. The blood we exchanged one day while laughing meant exactly that: indestructible union. And one of the meanings of the indestructible union is that if one moves away, the other enters into harmony.

What binds us are not the bonds of dreams or conventions, they are the bonds of blood, of the creation of one by the other, and of the flesh. They are bonds that are never denied because they are found only once in a lifetime. They are bonds that we do not imagine when we have not known them. But if we finally found them, we know, as I know, that until that moment we had not known anything or lived. It is known that we have just found one of the oldest secrets of life and that it is worth the suffering of being born and growing up. If you don't feel this as I do with the same inevitable force, the same precision and clarity, then I am alone to die. If you feel it, all is saved, and we belong together.

Forgive me for this letter. The absence of yours made me look at the future and I tell you only what I saw there. When I return to Paris, it is this union that we will consecrate. I have a thirst, a terrible thirst for happiness. Just say that you think like me, that you are mine forever as I am yours, that is to say unconditionally, and then we will live far from words, scruples and struggles, and days of happiness await. I love you, I am yours. Don't think I'm crazy. It is the bottom of my long compressed heart that bursts. I have your blood in me, your taste on my lips, your passion to live in my heart. Courage again. And soon we will be happy with our happiness. I kiss you with all my heart. But write, write, I beg you. Do you feel, do you feel how much I love you?

[6 p.m.]

I wrote you this letter just now, which I am sending you after some thought, because it says exactly what I think and feel. But at least don't worry. A movement pushed me to speak to you like this because this day without a letter had literally knocked me out. By reaction, the bottom, the blood of the heart came out. Rereading what follows, cold, I can't find a word to deny, and, finally, I am happy that you didn't write to me and that I found this opportunity to tell you the limitless love I have for you. Panic is good. See you tomorrow, Maria dear. The wind is still blowing on this deserted day and I am waiting for those months when we will be happy, when we will finally enjoy ourselves and this wonderful love. But answer me with a sentence at least, tell me that we are similar and confused. I send you all my love and my desire. I kiss your dear mouth, my mouth...

Albert Camus to Maria Casarès, Correspondance, February 10, 1950 [#183]

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zairene · 7 months

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WELCOME TO THE PARTY. osamu dazai

* ˚ ✦ synopsis: you’ve perished and after being in a limitless abyss that seemed to have no end, you found yourself having a conversation with the underground’s grim reaper.

* ˚ ✦ genre: fic, 1k count !

* ˚ ✦ author’s note: this is honestly a really good prologue for a series.

after becoming a victim of reality’s corrupt fate of death, you were surprisingly calm. were you satisfied when you died? obviously not. dying young meant leaving everyone and everything you had ever loved behind and it was definitely a hard pill to swallow. however, you just knew it was coming. you were free of the pain you were constantly having to endure when living, and now that it has stopped, you finally achieved a level of peace you haven’t experienced before.

you had been suffering from a terminal illness, when doctors immediately diagnosed you and relayed the news that you were slowly dying, you didn’t know how to feel. seeing the tears of your loved ones did not help your conflicted emotions, they were handling it worse than you and you were the one dying. so when it came to the day you were expected to die, you were just ready for life to take you away and put you in whatever situation that lay for you in the afterlife.

and here you are now, walking in this abyss-like place where nothing but the color black was in your vision. you didn’t know how long you were walking or where you were heading towards—hell you could’ve been walking in circles this entire time—but you didn’t feel any sort of fatigue or have any sense of time. being dead was a lot more dull than you assumed it to be. either way, you had no choice.

“well hello there.”

a deep smooth voice called from behind you. you turned around to see a figure with a tall and lanky physique, his bandaged hands held an enormous scythe. is he here to finish me off? that was your initial thought when you saw the being. he soon lifted his hoodie to reveal his face. his eyes were a piercing black to the point where a simple stare could make any regular person think he could see their soul. in this case, he probably could.

his wavy brown hair was layered, but his hair in the back reached the nape of his neck. even for being dead, it looked like he took care of it quite well, you were kinda impressed. his smile was oddly soothing, but you could tell there were many tales to be told behind it.

“are you just here to tell me i’m dead? i think i’m aware.” you said.

“no, no darling. actually, you’re not dead. not yet anyways.” he saunters closer to you. “this is the void.”

“the what?”

“the void.” he raises his hand that is holding his scythe and places it behind him to lean on. you are stunned by the fact that thing could handle his entire body weight. “a place between life and death where i make your journey into the afterlife somewhat easier, to put it into simpler terms, i guess.” he paused, taking a look at you. his expression changed. “you poor thing, you look awfully young. i take it you haven’t handled the news well, hm?”

“yeah, dying young wasn’t really a part of my resolutions for the new year but here i am. and i handled it just fine, thank you.” you were not about to have him treat you like some charity case similar to anybody else that has met their end here. he smirks. “sassy one, aren’t ya?”

“if being sassy means i won’t put up with pity, then i might be the sassiest of them all.” you retorted.

“point taken.” he puts his hands up in defense. “here, walk with me. unless you wanna be here forever, then be my guest.” he walks past you, and you follow shortly not interested in the idea of being lost for the rest of eternity.

“i’m your friendly neighborhood grim reaper, and yes, just like the forms of entertainment the humans like to indulge in.” he says disgustingly. you noticed his disdain for mortal activities but you weren’t bothered to ask.

“so you’re here to take my soul?”

“incorrect and that’s honestly boring. think of the opportunity that lies ahead of you as a second life.”

“a second life?” you were intrigued.

“yes. a better version of humanity, that’s what many have said at least.”

“oh really? what makes them say that?”

“my, you are filled with questions. as expected but i’m afraid i can’t answer them all as i am a very busy man.” you rolled your eyes. “however, you can refer to our consultant at the underground once our conversation here is finished.”

he held his finger up. “and before you ask, i’ll explain.” you closed your mouth since you were gonna ask another question.

“the underground is the place you go to once you’re officially dead—i feel that part was obvious but it’s part of the speech i give everyone—a wonderland filled with people who are also in your situation. dead and confused. some have resided there longer than others, so they know their way around the place, but for people like you,” he points at you. “it’s a redemption of sorts. to live your life eternally without the fear it may end due to unfathomable circumstances or stupid things like old age.”

“so you’re saying that i’m living life again but infinitely and with no consequences?”

“correct! you’re a natural.” he continues. “but this doesn’t exclude you from having responsibilities of course. we all have jobs here and you still have to play your part, alive or not. now, are you ready?”

“yeah, sure.” you weren’t. you were still very hesitant about the whole thing but you didn’t want to continue to bombard the guy with questions. “well then,” after those words a red portal appeared in front of the both of you. you looked at the man’s face and he gave you another smile. “welcome to the party.”

and before you could even comprehend what he told you, you were pushed into the portal, unaware of where it would take you specifically but you most certainly had an idea.

(📦) — BUNGOU STRAY DOGS TAGLIST // @4nthonyyliving @4kh

(📝) — TAGLIST FORM :: sign to be apart of the taglist!

#✏️ :: — fanfiction !#bungou stray dogs fanfiction #bungou stray dogs x reader #bsd x reader #dazai x reader #dazai x fem reader #dazai osamu x reader #dazai osamu x fem reader #osamu dazai x reader

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daylight6256 · 3 months

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My Unpopular Interpretation Of Gojo Satoru’s Character

He’s a hypocrite who’s unable to see through the lies he feeds himself.

First of all, I probably need to establish how I define ‘hypocrisy’ in this case so it’s easier to see what I’m getting at. In Gojo’s case, his hypocrisy manifests in his proclamation of loneliness as the only way of living for “the strongest”. He looks at everyone else through a lens of superiority and views other sorcerers as burdens rather than allies. Instead of looking at jujutsu as an act of teamwork that requires constant input and effort from all parties involved, he sees it as his and only his responsibility in the sense that he faults himself for any losses that ensue in the wake of missions. This guilt might seem like it could be naturally attributed to his status as a teacher but I do think that this issue runs deeper and is a lot more sinister specifically because of the way Gojo was raised.

It’s important to establish that the source material leaves a lot up to speculation when it comes to Gojo’s upbringing but I think it’s reasonable to assume that things weren’t….pretty. Considering the fact that Gojo was the first sorcerer born with both The Six Eyes and Limitless in who knows how many hundred years, the weight of expectations placed upon him by his clan must’ve been soul-crushing. Not only was he deprived of his childhood but he was also immediately relegated to the status of a god by everyone around him. This kind of rabid devotion can’t be healthy for anyone, but especially not for a child. He then went on to live all his formative years under his clan’s supervision which effectively meant that he could only see the world in relation to himself for the first 15 years of his life.

And then Geto came into his life like a whirlwind and crumbled the foundations that helped set up his viewpoints of the world up until that point. Geto also helped in razing the walls that Gojo built between the world and himself to the ground. When it comes to Gojo, while some of his loneliness was definitely self-imposed due to his flawed belief that “the strongest” are destined to only be able to rely on themselves, I also think that a lot of his anti-social behavior can be justifiably attributed to his clan isolating him from anyone they deemed as beneath him, which is basically….everyone. Therefore, Geto was the first semblance of normalcy Gojo had in his life.

I believe that a lot of Gojo’s infatuation with Geto boils down to Geto being his gateway out of loneliness. Gojo stopped being “the strongest” precisely because of Geto’s existence. Gojo suddenly had the ability to be a child precisely because of Geto’s existence. He viewed Geto as a gift - probably the first time he had this thought in relation to anyone other than himself. Geto was Gojo’s reason for looking at the world outside of himself. He was also his reason for feeling anything other than disdain towards everyone else. I also think that the severe contrast between what their upbringings look like externally served as the catalyst to the development of their relationship. Gojo’s life up until that point was so eccentric and so deprived of a sense of normalcy that only someone whose life had an illusion of normality despite being equally as eccentric could make sense of. While Geto couldn’t relate to everything clan-related in Gojo’s life, he could probably sympathize with the sense of ‘otherness’ that Gojo felt because of being born into a family of non-sorcerers. And so they bonded over being “the strongest”.

Here comes the tricky part though. I am of the opinion that both boys were so drunk on their power that they thought that basing the entire worth of their relationship on it was….normal, again because their reference point for what is and isn’t normal was very off-center. So when Toji ultimately destroyed their lives, the foundation of their relationship suddenly wasn’t as sturdy as they thought it was. Now, I must admit I don’t know if Gojo ever actually looked down on Geto for eventually becoming “beneath” him, but Geto being the chronic overthinker that he is probably thought that he did anyways, and for valid reasons: seeing Gojo’s attitude towards everyone other than Geto himself must’ve done a number on his perception of his own self-worth in relation to Gojo after the Toji debacle. And with both of them being children and with Gojo being so power-drunk that he couldn’t see through the mask Geto put on, I honestly can’t see a way in which things wouldn’t have ended the way they did. So when Geto eventually left, Gojo came to the conclusion that any attempt to form any meaningful relationship with other people was pointless because they would either end up feeling resentful towards him (re: Geto or at least what Gojo thought Geto’s reason for leaving was) or fall so far beneath him that they’ll eventually have no choice but to leave (re: Geto again).

He faulted his own power for creating a rift between Geto and himself without possessing the sufficient introspection to realize that the crux of the problem lied in Geto’s inability to stomach the disregard with which the higher-ups treated sorcerers. Gojo was so caught up in his own power to correctly conclude that something outside of himself was what eventually drove Geto to leave. Which brings us back to square one. Gojo’s lack of ability to think outside of himself is the driving force behind his hypocrisy. Instead of actually putting in the work to understand the internal mechanisms behind the thought processes of the people around him, it is much easier to pretend that their actions or lack thereof must be in some way linked to his perception of his power, rather than an external force he possesses no control over. Because at the end of the day, it is easier to pretend to have a semblance of control over the way people act than to be faced with the damning realization that you simply don’t. In Gojo’s case, it was easier to assume that Geto’s defection was in direct correlation to his own rise to power rather than due to a fault within a system he had no control over.

It’s important to emphasize that I think this opinion is strictly limited to teen Gojo (immediately after Geto’s defection). He eventually did end up accepting the truth of the matter for what it is - you can only save those who want to be saved (aka you don’t possess control over every facet of being) which is why he helped raise a generation of sorcerers to ensure that the world was left in safe hands.

This is all over the place lol I’m not even gonna try to edit it but I appreciate input and constructive criticism!

#jujutsu kaisen #jujutsu kaisen spoilers #jjk #jjk spoliers #satosugu #character study #gojo satoru #geto suguru

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imnotspencerhastings · 5 months

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Spencer's law of assumption guide

This is how I personally chose to see the law in order to catch up with future me! Thanks to Neville, sources on twitter & my personal beliefs. I spent months figuring out what works for me & i been seeing results back to back and i am pleased with my growth.

I no longer fight with my 3d. I understand now that everything is not set in stone or my endgame; I give things a meaning and life; and everything is neutral. my 3d is not my enemy, its just a reflection sorta like a mirror, you can't expect a mirror to change if you don't change first. That was the hardest realization that i had to face but its the truth. however, its such an amazing feeling knowing that i'm in control and im the aura of my life. I feel free & blessed and i wake up everyday thankful knowing that now.

Become aware of what you are thinking and you will recognize a law between your mood and your surrounding circumstances. Neville Goddard

2. I picture my future self more: I play around with my imagination a lot. Like what is she thinking, what would she be doing as we speak, who is her friends, and things like that. I know that im limitless so i just have fun with it. I also like affirmations; but now i realize that its not the affirmations that will "give" me my desires, its what i chose to identify as. affirmations for me is just reminders or a blanket but i state them once and i move on from my day. I was never a fan of saturation hours, 10k challenges, etc..... because it gave me the impression that i didnt have it. why work myself to death when things can be so easy for me. One thing I do like from taylor tookes though is that she speaks highly on focusing on the things you want; and still to this day i live by that. I focus on me, what i identify as, and what my future me looks like because i know she already exist, all i have to do is just accept it.

@itslitrllymine

what you focus on grows.

3. The thing that really made it click is realizing that my future me has everything that i want and desire which is why present me is thinking about it now. all of my desires are just future me thoughts

which means i have my boyfriend, im rich, im a model, i live in new york, i have people that love and support me, and etc....

Why am i thinking about these thoughts and i can see it in my mind if it wasnt meant to be mine?????? ofc its meant to be mine!!! once again all i have to do is just accept it and live my life.

Also love law of least effort. it makes me feel powerful knowing the less work i have to do, the more i get back in return.

#law of assumption #law of manifestation

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blubushie · 11 months

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That's terrible. I know how it feels to learn that someone who was truly impactful in some point of your life passed away. It's shattering, as you say. I have recently lost someone close to me too, and I wish you the best.

Even if it's been years, even if you've not spoken to that person since you last saw them, even if that last time wasn't on good terms. Even if it wasn't positive. There's still those cobwebs of memories, of built up feelings recalling what that person meant to you. Like a part of your brain has been installed with a door and lock, and it contains that part of your life, carefully stowed away. And every once in a while, you open it and stir up the dust on the floor to revisit those bittersweet feelings. Where you go ,,I wish things could have been different. I will always cherish the memories I do have of you. Even if we never speak again you will always hold a place of my heart, you will always be an important piece of the puzzle that is my life." And it feels like looking through rose tinted glass, but not really because that's how good it was.

Learning that they pass away is like setting fire to those cobwebs. And suddenly the memories that you would think of at 3 am when stargazing alone, when reminiscing on younger years, they hurt. And the fire spreads to the door, and it burns down, and all those feelings and thoughts that were carefully shut behind that door and only revisited with a clear mind come pouring out. And you're powerless to stop it. And every little thing you ever see reminds you of them. Now that the door's open, now that the door is gone, it's limitless. The things your brain comes up with, the amount of stewing and brewing about that person. It consumes you.

Right now I can't do anything but sit in my misery. Eating is hard. Drinking water is hard. I go outside, only to lay face down on the grass until I sleep and eventually wake up. I don't like it. It's no way to live. It's not living at all, to be honest. My world feels narrowed down to her and nothing else. I don't know when I'll be able to move on. So, I know how it feels. I don't know if you're a religious man, but you will be in my prayers. All of this to say that I bid you good luck, and hopefully peace.

I don't know how much it means to you to hear, but regardless, you are not alone. It's ok to be broken for a bit. It's ok to never be able to fix that gap within you, even when it feels like it's been too long since they passed. Good luck xx

Yeah, it's just. A slow crawl forward and getting back on my feet. Time heals all wounds but leaves the scar. This has reopened a wound but it's healing again already. I'll be alright in time, I think. There's gonna come a day that I get to actually mourn and I reckon it'll be soon. I just know that it's gonna knock me off my feet when it does.

#blu whos #blu a fuse

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writing-so-i-dont-scream · 2 years

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The Wretched Philosopher

So this is the end

What wretched, spiteful god chose this death

What truly heartless deity saw fit to condemn me this way

Lying in a rotting heap of traitorous flesh

Desperate for an end but lacking the strength of will to carry it out

What good are lawmen if they can’t kill you?

What good are gunmen if they can’t die?

What good are legs if they can’t walk me out of this stinking hole

So I can go out the way I was MEANT to go

A thousand curses on that foolish boy I was

Cursed with hunger and ambition

Rampaging through life with destructive glee

Laughing like a drunken hyena at every naysayer,

Shooting like a Maxim gun at every naydoer

Had I never known fear? Had I truly lived in such

Manic glee that my own mortality never crossed my mind?!

I curse that drunken fool! A curse for every sore upon me,

A hot poker in the eye for every stinking, bubbling buboe

He earned me. Gallivanting through the desert like

A brazen halfwit, just looking to empty his pistol.

He would remember the euphoric rush,

The fruits of victory. But I remember the rot. The huddling

Wretch of every town that warned of carnal indulgence.

Not in their words, but in sickening whimpers just like mine,

As we lay shivering, slowly decomposing right outside

The den of sin that riddled our young bodies with gelatinous

Sores that never quite heal. I see the juvenile moron

That I used to be in every young man strutting into

Those doors, drawn by the sounds of music, laughter,

And love making. Just as they do not see me, do not

See the miscellaneous huddle of forgotten fools

Lying just outside. What I wouldn’t give to wring the

Scrawny necks of every reckless fool like that, to

Shout into their clean, healthy faces the same things

People had never told me so many years ago. At least

If I could warn them, they’d shoot me and it’d all be over.

How a civilized town could ever spring up around this

Haven of death and predatory debauchery would amaze

Me, had I still the capacity to be amazed. Now my thoughts

Are like hateful parasites sluggishly escaping an expiring

Host.

I think now of my mother. How her eyes shined when I saw her.

I once mistook it for a mother’s love, but now I know it must

Have been despair. What would she think of me now? Her

Only child wasting away in some nameless aberration of

Civilization. I doubt she’d recognize the boy she knew in this

Sick, tired body. There would be no shining eyes for me,

Unless provoked by the stench as she passed by. I’d like

To see her, even though she’d be sickened. I’d like to tell

Her that I did it, I figured it out, I grew up! I learned the lesson

That she so desperately wanted to teach me. And she’d cry,

And wail at the sight of me, but I could die knowing I was right

With my mama.

I suppose the men around me think of their lost sweetheat,

Some poor innocent lass set on a worthless wretch like us.

But I never knew love for anyone but myself. In all the years

Of thundering through life, tearing sense away from my

World, it was not the thrill of the deed that won me. Nor the

Beauty of the women. It was my own sense of me, the pure

And true feeling of being the master of my destiny and the

Unabated vessel of my limitless soul. But God does not abide

Pride, the deadliest sin of all. He struck me low with the

Filthy fruits of a life just as filthy, and only now in my time of

Reckoning am I made humble.

As I pass into eternal damnation, I take comfort knowing that

Unlike most sinners, I have had a taste of what’s to come.

I have sat here, bearing my cross for almost a day now, and

I can’t see how the fires of hell could impress me now. The

Cruel, innocent fool that damned me has died in this putrid alley,

There will be no afterlife for him. He has been purged out of

Me by this horrid affliction, and I miss him not. To think

Of the life I could have led, clean of body and mind, free

Of debt and guilt. If that had occurred to me just once

In the fiery days of my recently lost youth, perhaps there

Could have been a different end to my short and meaningless

Story.

#writing #creative writing #cowboys #dramatic #tragic #monologues ✧#literature #I like this I hope you like it too

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spritestiff · 5 months

Text

Signal Lost

I hope I can get this posted before I’m completely engulfed. It has taken two long years for me to bring all the pieces together so that I could begin to understand it myself. The radio that isn’t a radio….Tesla’s understanding of pure energy, and the signal…..Working in a rare bookshop in London was something I could do to find my reprieve from such a restless mind. Surrounded by endless knowledge quelled my need to pretend that the pointless ramblings of others around me actually held a pertinent place in my life. However, when one wishes to be forever lost in that particular kind of quest, in this case, me, one should remember what a harrowing process must be undertaken. “…mysterious phenomena, Professor, I yearn to know more of this wonderful force…” This is getting difficult….I hear him now without the radio…this signal. I have always had a fascination for the workings of Nikola Tesla, and his theories about energy that seemed to offer limitless expanse for the mind to learn from. I have devoured many a biography about Tesla and his contributions to science, but I always felt that there was something addressing me from between the words on the pages. I have endured much harassment from others when I tried to explain this, but I felt that much of what happened to Tesla throughout his lifespan was deliberately omitted, not secretive necessarily, almost like an attempt to make peace with the man, and not agitate too much of the past. As my mum used to say: “kid gloves”.

I began that day like any other: sorting, filing and preparing for the new shipment to come in. Mr. Crampton always purchased items from defunct estate sales, or picked through the remnants of a sale he’d found in a newspaper advert. Not that I disapproved of his chosen methods, as they had yielded many profitable items. He would rarely attend auctions and the like, not wanting to squander a single copper on something that wouldn’t earn him some sort of satisfactory gain. I remember the shipment being late, and Mr. Crampton expecting me to remain in the shop late, without pay, however, Crampton offered me a biscuit for this night. I could go through the shipment boxes from the estate of a retired solicitor and if I agreed to get the merchandise properly unpacked and displayed before I took my leave, I could keep a few of the manuscripts I fancied, no queries, no limit. Crampton, scratched the back of his head and offered a smile before saying, “I know you like to poke about in books, this way both of us can profit, hey?” I nodded keenly, this offer was worth overlooking a few pounds in a pay packet. “…Budapest Telephone Exchange…. chief electrician position…the improvements I have offered have assisted in business, why can I not publish the plans for my amplifier?” His thoughts are moving faster now, it is becoming difficult to concentrate. Over the next week I carefully inspected the items purchased by my boss, and diligently placed them for display, often staying at the shop until the wee hours of the morning. Most of the merchandise proved rather valuable, and a few Universities had made appointments to look over some of the volumes for their own libraries. I was disappointed, however, as most of the books were related to knowledge required of a solicitor, along with textbooks on the law, and other items of the like. Thankfully, or not, I am unsure, I unloaded the last box. I saw that it was half full of personal journals, dating back to the 1800’s. Some were fragile due to age, but each one was lovingly cared for, and it was obvious that these meant something to the family. After checking with Crampton, I was allowed to take home the entire carton, and luckily, the weekend was upon us, and I had three days to peruse the material. I still don’t know what called to me, there was more there than just pages in a journal, I wouldn’t know just how much more until I was well and truly into them.

“…losing the signal Wilson….damn Marconi, that cow liver of a thief….with this radio amplifier you can see…or rather hear the energy strings from the multiverse, as if there are universes upon universes trying to stitch themselves into each other…” I’m losing the signal, his deep-seated anger and feelings of betrayal are fraying the connection. I can barely remember now, the feeling of utter euphoria I felt as I plundered through the journals. However, the ones that put me on this platform had belonged to a man named David Wilson. He followed Tesla’s career closely, quietly rutting out frustrations every time Tesla’s efforts were thwarted or stolen, his main hatred fell on Guglielmo Marconi, the so-called father of the radio. Tesla felt through correspondence that this immigrant could help him further an invention that he had designed to pick up on energy waves that were unseen in the world around us, and hopefully find a way to convert this matter into a usable energy for the public at large. Unfortunately, instead of working with Tesla, he stole all design blueprints and personal notes in order to patent the device for himself. There was no questioning the suggested undertone Wilson offered that tied in Thomas Edison having a hand in the financing of this invention. Wilson was not only impressed with the way Nikola Tesla’s mind unknotted these mysteries, he was enamored with the thought of finding a way to manipulate Tesla’s radio idea into a system that could actually reach out past the veil of death to learn secrets from those in different dimensions. Wilson even developed a machine that used Morse code to try and reach out. The machine worked. Even when disconnected from the telegraph line. Wilson offered to have other researchers examine his device, but what was not shared was that one of these men was a friend of Tesla, and Wilson made certain that the machine would be delivered to him immediately. Their communication went from sparse to constant in a matter of days. Nothing of Wilson’s device design remained. Now we fast forward to today, two years after my discovery.

The last of Wilson’s journals contained notes and rough draughts in Tesla’s own hand. They described in detail what was needed to improve and replicate a perfect combination of Wilson’s device, and Tesla’s updated radio amplifier. I am attaching the blueprints to this post. I tried to build this machine, and I followed every instruction. The more I built, the more my thoughts changed, no, not changed, magnified. At first, I only heard static in my head, perhaps a muffled word, then, as I progressed, the signals got clearer, I felt like my mind was channeling into different periods of Tesla’s life. I could feel his anger, satisfaction, sadness, and fatigue. He couldn’t turn it off…the racing thoughts, equations, designs…it is a feeling that overwhelms and comforts simultaneously. Now, the same thing is happening to me, but before I lose any more cognition I wanted to tell anyone who will listen: Tesla’s radio works, and it is truly incredible. “…told reporters at the event that, after thirty-five years of work, he was on the verge of producing proof of a new form of energy…. transmit individualized private radio wavelengths….allowing one’s mind to rest a while……” Tesla created this device to ease himself of a restless mind, and still transfer that personal energy into a usable product that anyone could access. According to his notes, one device lasts 500 years, allowing generations of admittance to see new perspectives and make the world a better place. Unfortunately, I doubt Tesla took into account that most people do not think as expansively as he, and restlessness without reprieve could have dire consequences on a person. This is what I have tried to figure out a solution for…”alone in Room 3327 of the New Yorker Hotel… Alice Monaghan….my pigeon… to wish and call her and she would come flying to me… as a man loves a woman, and she loved me… there was a purpose to my life…so tired…” I have little time….I never did commit this to my own writing so I hope I can make sense of it here: the transference of energy can occur with the radio if it is set to…..”So tired….want to stop…signal lost signal lost signal lost signal lost….”

#historical #nicola tesla #horror #true history #short horror story #scary #ghost

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raggedinflux · 1 year

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In the impetuosity of my state, I have two things in which I must confide within you. The first is the profound love that I once had for you. The second, dealing with the profound hurt that you caused me.

I loved you unconditionally and profoundly. Never in my life had I had someone make me feel so wanted, validates, safe and secure. My love warranted limitless selfless acts for your benefit, born out of my own tried strife of experience. I wanted you to be the best person that you could possibly be, not for me, but for you, because I realized the potential that you had to be an even more amazing person than you already were. I wanted to validate the feeling of safety that you gave me, by helping you to realize your potential, and assist you in working towards it. I wanted you to pursue a career that you had passion for, I did not want you to struggle while in school, I let you live with me rent free. You needed reliable transportation, I wanted to be able to side in that. You needed self-esteem, I tried to wash you in compliments and the bravery you needed to face the harshest of days. When you were around, my face lit up like a tree, as a dog wags it’s tail uncontrollably when it’s best friend comes home, I wagged as if the world were ending anytime you were near me. The apocalypse could be happening outside, but as long as I had you with me, I had a deep feeling that everything would be alright. I was soundly safe in your prescience, and even the thought of you warranted a profuse ideation safety, being wanted, loved, and adored. And I thank you unconditionally for what you provided me emotionally. You taught me to love myself, you gave my the confidence to pursue things I didn’t believe within myself, you loved and cared for me in a way no one else had ever done. For that, I will never forget you. I will always have a spot for you in my heart. I loved you in a way that words cannot describe, I would’ve easily given my life to protect yours. You meant the absolute world to me and I adored you in a way that these letters cannot ascribe meaning to, you were the pinnacle of my life. I cannot thank you enough for showing me true love.

The pain and strife was born, not of our breakup, but the actions that followed. I can deal with heartbreak, turmoil, and breakups. What I cannot deal with is the way you took your love from me and weaponized it against me. I was heartbroken when you decided to end things, and that was a normal response. You had told me many times over that you loved me, yet the minute you ended your time with me you ran to hookup apps, ignored me, called me a stalker, called me crazy. You took everything that you had built within me and spat on it. I am not innocent in this. I retaliated throw pain by writing horrifically awful things to you, not with the intention to hurt you, but in an attempt to protect myself from your actions and words towards me. I simply wanted closure but you had no intent on providing me with that. You tore me down in such a way that I felt profoundly empty, lost, and alone. I felt as if I was wandering through the vast emptiness of space with no air. I felt disposable. I felt used. I felt nothing but pain and despair. The antithesis to your love tore me down in such a way that I felt useless. I made an attempt on my life which was almost successful in response, the pain was too much to bear. I was adrift in a void, never in my life had I felt such despair, loneliness, and negative thoughts about myself. Why did he run to hookup apps as soon as he left me? Was I that disposable? Why would he ignore me constantly? Call me names? Degrade me? Do everything but scream “I hate your essence”? How could this come from a love so profound he said he had for me? I am nothing. I am meaningless. I am useless and undeserving of anyone’s love. I spiraled and spiraled and spiraled, and with the turmoil came more horrific words that I had weaponized against you. I was backed into a corner, a fight, in which only words would allow me to protect myself. I used your insecurities against you, I wanted to tear you down in the same manner you were tearing me down, and the only weapon I had was words. Horrible awful horrific words meant to protect myself, but they hurt you. And for this I profoundly apologize. I never wanted to hurt you or cause you harm, but that’s the only way I knew to protect myself. And for that, again, I apologize and wish I could take back everything I said to you, because I didn’t mean a single part of it. I was acting in defense, and it was not ok to do. You cannot fight pain with pain. And beyond pain, was I.

I needed you to know these two things, only because you deserve to know. I loved you to the moon and back, but I also endured the most profound pain I’d ever experienced in my life. I want you to know, not because I want you to feel bad, but because I need you to know how much you meant to me. Maybe I didn’t show you enough what you meant to me, maybe I didn’t do enough, maybe I was hard to love. Regardless, I think you have the right to know, and knowing that I finally got these words and feelings off my chest can maybe provide some closure; however, I was able to get closure long ago, through therapy and writing. So maybe I just want you to hear these words, to make up for the ways in which I never told you how much you meant to me: maybe it’s selfish. I don’t know. All I know is that when I was around you; I had never felt so safe, loved and wanted. And when you left I had also never felt so disposable, alone, lost and unwanted. Maybe that’s the antithesis of love. Regardless, I do have an inquiry that begs to be answered.

Why did you hurt me so badly and treat me disposable. How did you love me, in the way you said you did, and toss me aside and abandon all feelings for me. That is not what someone does to someone else they claim to love. That is not love.

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chateauu · 2 years

Text

dogfight

youth was once gentle to me. i remember very little of it, though i wish that i could. it took me over a decade to learn how to make friends, as i spent my days engrossed in inked fiction, an imagination uncaged and limitless. i dreamed of ancient creatures, my ability to name each and every one was one of my strong suits. but that seems so long ago, and that knowledge has been lost to me, and the desire to learn more has vanished, as the dinosaurs did.

in 1928, a monastery was erected in upstate new york. its halls seemed to stretch into oblivion, the walls were cloaked in sickly fluorescent lights and shadows that never faded in sunlight. the nuns who roamed these halls were even more sickly than the lights, there seemed to always be funerals held beneath the school. i remember holding my breath as i passed the chapel on my way to ap chemistry. i remember spending my lunch in the darker hallways of the school, my friends never came. i remember when i lost my innocence to a man that never loved me. i remember confessing to the priest who blamed me.

that old building never changed in the near century that it has stood. it's floors will perpetually be dusty, the food will always be served in the basement, the misfits will hide, the rest will thrive. nonetheless, it all changed to me once i met [REDACTED], a man that familiarized me with mental hospitals, pill bottles and state troopers.

he stuck with me for two years, teaching me how i was unlovable. that i would look prettier with my brains splattered on the ceiling. i believed him, despite how smart i used to be. it took me all that time to run away from the debris he left behind, as if it were the ruins of a dogfight. i remember fantasizing about happiness, the mundane work life, even if it were bleak and redundant. it looked like luxury from my eyes.

i remember waking up feeling like i was sinking in cement, the deliberate hunger i forced, the chicken scratch i wrote to cope with hopelessness. but most of all i remember when the cops came when he stood outside my childhood home.

throwing rocks at your window used to be romantic. this time there was no dreamboat with a boombox to coax me into a happily ever after. it was him with a hatchet.

i didnt know if i'd live to make it to where i am now, even if it takes me several milligrams of methylphenidate to get me out of bed. regardless, the world feels vibrant to me. im filled with childlike wonder, as if i was reborn. i never thought i would be capable of love, let alone define it.

if you had asked me to do so two years ago, i would have said, "love is a myth, and i am terrified." if love was meant to feel like crucifixion, who would ever want to fall?

perhaps it is not the martyrdom that makes love so desirable, but instead is the rebirth.

one can only be so lucky to experience it.

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d-a-l-3-k-s · 2 years

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DO NOT USE MY TRAJECTORY AND STORY AS A FOUNDATION FOR YOUR OWN JOURNEY, PREDATORS EXIST WITHIN THE BDSM COMMUNITY AND WILL DAMAGE PEOPLE LIKE US. PLEASE BE CAREFUL.

I had many reasons behind getting into BDSM, but one of my like top 5 goals was to see who I really was at the very bottom of subspace... I truly was going on gut instinct when thinking it had the potential to be used as a tool for good. Naively though, I thought I'd discover my inner monster. A creature that would instinctively fight back after being pushed into a corner so I could confront and come to peace with it. I'll get to say "confirmed, I guess I really am that thing I've feared all the time, nothing I can do here. Time for some good old fashioned acceptance." and move on, possibly embracing it more... who even knows. Regardless, I've feared an entity like that has lived inside of me since early childhood. A creature so unlovable, so loathed, so broken, so isolated and so rejected that for all this time it's been slowly fucking me up... twisting me into a person I was never meant to be... I was never that thing despite how much it told me I was.

What ended up being found is a very lost lil guy who is full of love and could never hurt another... That from the years and years of having to explain their existence to EVERYONE around them, the rejection, the abuse, the trauma, the PTSD, the family drama, the bad relationship, the people that have trapped me, the tiredness, the constant pain ALL of it, every single one was another layer of hostile and angry armour I forged to place upon myself to make sure I was even more prepared and protected for the next time someone negatively impacted upon me.... and fuck was I wearing a lot of it... So much in fact I didn't even know who I was anymore and that's a scary truth to admit to yourself.

Witnessing a partner real time just stripping those layers back, verbally saying "I see you", then lovingly explaining what it is they see, "someone that is full of love, light, empathy, compassion, creativity and rainbows". The "monster" part of me was of course insulted and tried to fight against it, but it didn't even have the strength to bear its teeth or claws... Cause deeper down I knew what I was all along I just lived in fear of it making me vulnerable to any of the potential predators waiting for their opportunity to pounce me. Everyone and everything was a potential threat. So I manifested a monster to protect me from EVERYTHING because that's the only way I could've survived until now.

but now I don't need them... I am relatively safe... I don't need to fight and protect myself at that level any more. I can just start reconnecting with my true self and I fully plan to embrace ALL of them because the beauty and magic they see in the world leads to us having vast untapped and limitless potential to give back.

It's time for me to truly step up and be the positive force that inspires others in the world. Thats always been who I was meant to be... I know that truth now, my truth.

Acknowledgments, my new partner was just a catalyst, but if it wasn't for the care and patience of my "main" partner and close friends over the last god knows how many years I don't think I ever would be in a place where I could even remotely see myself getting here. If it wasn't for their love, support and believing that I'll eventually find a way back to myself I honestly wouldn't be here. I acknowledge I am one of the lucky ones.

Thank you for believing in me all this time.

#trauma #self help #recovery #bpd #bpd things #ptsd #personal growth #self discovery

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carrotsoup1 · 2 years

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The longest rampage for realizing you’re the god of your reality

Make it normal for you to always have everything you want

results guaranteed after reading ! (warning: may work better than expected)

Even if I have doubts, fears, anxiety, worries I know I am the god of my reality and whatever I say goes, so my affirmations always become my reality immediately because I recognize my power as the only creator. My words and thoughts manifest overnight. They change my entire reality over night. I get my results overnight. I am so powerful, I am literally the most powerful creator ever. I am above anyone and everything. I am so sure of myself, I know I can have whatever I want. I am ambitious and always get what I want because I am persistent and never give up. I am strong af and so are my affirmations. I create and remodel my reality in seconds just because I embody so easily the state of knowing I am the most powerful creator. I am convinced what I want is meant for me and meant to be in my life. The reason I embody the state of assuming I get what I want when I want it is because I trust my affirmations and myself. I am convinced there’s a special place reserved to my desire in my reality. My reality changes overnight in the one in which I’m living my dreams. I am the person I’ve always dreamt to be. My affirmations are permanent and always work. I manifest everything in no time. It’s enough for me to affirm once to get my desire, that’s how powerful I am. I recognize my power. I have the mindset of a god because I am one. It’s enough for me to just think about my desire to get it because my mind is so powerful that I naturally embody the state of a god in my reality, so my imagination is manifested in real life. My reality is how I’ve always wanted it to be. The only reassurance I need is from my affirmations because my affirmations are the only things that recreate and create my desired reality. I live in the reality in which I already have what I want. I am capable of gaining everything I desire and want. I know it’s very possible and very normal for me to have what I want and what I’ve always wanted. I am sure of myself and my affirmations, I have faith in my manifestations, I trust myself and my manifestations as the God of my reality. I am always at peace, I got rid of bad feelings like anxiety, worry, stress, doubt because now i realize my power. My power is limitless, I am limitless. I am the most powerful and influential force that creates my reality overnight. For me, doubts, fears, anxiety, worries are temporary and ineffective/irrelevant, they have no meaning, they even barely exist, they’re just an illusion. Even if I have doubts, fears, anxiety, worries my affirmations always work because my affirmations turn into assumptions as soon as I think or say them. Even if I have doubts, fears, anxiety, worries I always assume I have everything I want and desire. Having what I want when I want it, having faith and trust in myself and my affirmations have already become an assumption, that’s why I’m the most successful manifestator/creator. I excel at everything I do, I am naturally excellent and successful. I succeed at everything I do. I only manifest good things and the best and most favorable outcome for me. I focus on myself and my self concept, that’s why I’m radiant and always assume I get everything I want. I always assume the best and most favorable outcome for me. I know I always have what I want because I am God and I blindly trust my affirmations. My success is promised to me.

#affirmations #affirmdaily #affirmyourlife #manifestation #law of assumption #neville goddard #sammy ingram #loa #master manifestor #manifesting

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pffbts · 3 years

Text

↬genre: slice of life; angst ; comfort; romance (a lot.)

↬characters: chwe hansol x reader | mentions: jihoon ; seungcheol.

↬w.c: 6.2K (no way.)

↬author`s note: writing vernon was….tough and fun (?), he seems like a silent romantic type, the chill kind, you know? so i would probably suggest you to listen to ‘don`t say you`re ordinary’ by almost monday & 'on your way home’ by patrick droney while reading this :) i hope this one ends up as yet another happy read for you!

↬synopsis: there are 13 boys who lives in your town where each of them have each of their own colours. some you know in person & some from afar so one day you sat down deciding to describe each of their colours absorbing all of their goodness and all of their flaws. you wondered what if someone in some other town ever thought of questioning when they looked at these boys, that―what if we lived in the same town?

[06:35 PM] [poetry wasn`t his forte but his eyes never failed to spill a verse once in a while]

― “don`t be hard on yourself, _______, it`s bad for your health. always know that you`re my favourite one, anyway.”

three days ago, when you had skimmed through the email that sat on top of your inbox from hansol, for minutes your eyes settled on that last line he wrote for you.

and, it was inevitable, that smile which climbed on top of your lips.

having just woken up that day around eight in the morning to prepare for a college test that was on board to arrive next week, you had rubbed your tired eyes and sat infront of your computer at your study desk to check if there was any important emails from any of the colleges you applied for only to squint your eyes at the ‘new mail from hansol, 03:46 AM’ sitting all decked up right at the top.

you sniffled out a small laugh as you imagined him sitting in front of his computer after a late session at studio, just some few minutes before the birth of a new daybreak. his eyes which he must have widened on purpose couple of times to stay awake and his pale yet strong hands, hovering on top of the keyboard with such words at the tip of his fingers, waiting for them to be read only by you, as if they`re as always meant for you.

you thought of his eyes, those crystal clear eyes which had a hint of the colour of earth and of some others you haven`t figured out yet. after all, hansol―he wasn`t a man of words that often spill out of one`s mouth but rather a man of words which bleed on sheets of pages and emails like this.

for the rest, you only had to look into his eyes because they were loud, clear and affectionate. there was rarely any complexity that withhold in them. it was a mystery to you how even though you don`t hear him often expressing his internal monologues in words or in person, you can still read his eyes. sometimes a little quirky too but hansol loved conveying things through his eyes, while putting his undivided attention on you which is long and filled with all the patience in the world.

you wondered if he ever for even a tiny momentary split of time loses some bit of that same limitless patience. hansol is so cool, he is warm and he is everything that describes what it feels like to lay on a field of grass after the halt of a drizzle with not a care in world, with no baggage upon your shoulders. the coolness trickling at the back of your neck and then spreading through the whole of your being, that`s just how he makes you feel like.

your smile remained stuck on your face as you re-read his email again. that morning started on a good note because his words kept ringing at the back of your head like the first piece of music he sent you before leaving for the city some months back.

this guy―you haven`t seen him for a long time. for months, he`s been away from the town to study music by working in the studio of one of his hyungs, named, lee jihoon, who was also from the same town as yours and hansol`s.

and as the words go, it was like love at first sight for him.

well, at least, that`s what it always felt like to you whenever you saw him at the swing set in the nearby park around every other nights after your and his studies were done with.

his eyes would always light up whenever you would urge him to speak about any breakdown of a song and then it would go something like this.

everytime any song would intrigue you to result in the looping of the same, you would wait for the night time to fall upon the town, so that you can go to hansol and ask him about the chord progression, about the instrumentals and everything about it that made you addicted to the song.

and, hansol, he would first playfully smirk and then motion you to lend your earphones to him right then which you would be passing over while still sitting at the other swing.

the brush of his fingers against yours would linger under the night sky for long while you would unconsciously ball the same hand into a fist. nervous and a shot of jitter flowing through your veins, your eyes, they would move in secret to observe him putting in the earphones to listen to the song that`s been on your mind all day. he would listen to it once, twice and maybe thrice.

sometimes when it`s a simple track, he can tell you the details on spot while he proceeds to share the earphone with you so that both of you can listen to it as he shares his thoughts.

but some nights, it`s a little troublesome for him to say anything on spot. so he resorts to promise you that he would give it some more listen and let you know about it within the next few nights.

occasionally, he would turn towards his jihoon-hyung for help and even though you tell him that he doesn`t really have to take it that seriously, considering most of the details really go over your head sometimes but whenever he finds a certain story behind that song, be it days, weeks or months later, he would spill them in front of you.

although usually by that time, you would`ve already forgotten about that song, anyway.

still, it was heartwarming to be known of the fact that he kept you at the back of his head for days. even though it was just for a song, sometimes, you don`t just ask for his feedback only for the sake of it but rather some days, it`s just because you love watching him talk about things that makes him truly happy from inside.

that side of hansol is rare and doesn`t come out most often considering most often people near him always described him as a blank slate, someone who isn`t easy to analyze. so it was always a treat to your eyes whenever you see him so fascinated, so passionate and so bright about something. you loved that hidden side of his, that side which glows the brightest under the darkest night sky of them all.

you`ve watched him for long as growing up, both of you have been steady friends.

your and his friendship wasn`t anything out of box because at some point, it was quite evident that you two were just bound to be friends.

the classroom setting was the tip of that iceberg when the teacher had assigned your desk next to his at some point in ninth grade. now due to some unconventional reason, this same incident continued for the rest of the high school years until you both graduated some months ago.

you watched him grow taller, broader and become more and more seemingly handsome. his face which once had a boyish glow to it became more manly, chiseled and hard to not look at. surely, the love letters would only grow tenfold as the high school days almost came to an end.

you watched it all and always wondered if the guy knew what kind of effect he had on people. was he simply unaware or was it just some professional form of prudency?

although, the seat which was once assigned by the ninth grade teacher turned into a place that hansol took voluntarily for the rest of your school years, for once, it never felt unnatural rather you were happy that he would always chose to pick you up as someone to look at when he turns his head to his right.

it made you feel needed.

that simple act of his, for which he probably didn`t give much thought to, was the start of an assurance that you`re not simply here by some universal mistake rather you are here to be part of someone`s daily lives, to be acknowledged of your existence.

two weeks later after he had sent that email to you at the break of the dawn, hansol found himself boarding the train. the destination on the ticket was the town you both grew up at, where you still live on.

at first, he thought long and hard of the consequences that may arise if he does what he intends to. this wasn`t like him, hansol thought, he never broods over something for this long. he has always been laid back in his seat of life and faced anything upfront that came to stand in front of him.

so what was this hesitation? what was making that calm glass of cool water of his get replaced by the bubbling hot water of procrastination? what was even there to be nervous of?

hansol was worried. although foreign to him, the feeling only grew more.

he was worried of what might you think when things will come to this and he was scared of your and his future―no matter what kind of shared myriad that holds for you two.

but then, there was always another option.

and, that was not letting everything out in the open, to keep you behind the curtain of his true feelings, to not bleed every single of the verses that he writes for you.

at least he`ll always know when it all started for him. not on the first day of coming to the city and neither on the second or third day but a whole week later, something changed.

waking up in the morning at the rented shared flat of his and jihoon, for the first time ever, he wasn`t really looking forward to stepping into the studio rather, he wanted to stay in his bed, he wanted to be lazy, he wanted to forget about the world for once.

no, hansol laughed quite sarcastically almost at himself, why was he even trying to deceive himself at this point when it`s completely out in the clear that he actually has feelings for you? feelings which are not defined by year-long friendship, feelings which don`t just disappear when both of you used to get off of the desks after school used to end. feelings which was only in the air at the local park`s swing set.

it was nothing like that.

because what hansol was feeling was different. it was the bookish definition of love.

and, when he finally came to face it eye to eye, he couldn`t keep his eyes on it for long.

he was, indeed, missing you terribly. he missed even the thought at the back of his head that days ago when he was still at the town, he knew your presence lingered in the air. but now, what left is nothing but the memory of it in his head and the smell of the town on his clothes that he washed before packing them in the suitcase.

so when hansol boarded the train, he wasn`t exactly thinking of declaring the abundance of what he felt for you but rather let you get on board with it, ride through it slowly. but for that to happen, he had to first meet you.

for the first time ever, he was impatient and nervous.

and, even the mere thought of that brought upon a small smile at the corner of his mouth as he looked out of his seat`s window expectantly for his home to arrive soon.

two weeks later, on a what seemed like a good enough friday afternoon, you had found yourself to be at the town`s largest, that is, seungcheol`s dad`s convenient store, buying some groceries.

on other hand, the weather seemed to have taken a complete 180 degree turn. it wouldn`t have been a big deal for you, though, if you didn`t have any heavy stuff to carry back home but with the amount of groceries that you have bought, things are bound to be a hurdle if you actually attempt to take up the challenge of carrying them under this brooding, unsettled weather.

but still, you couldn`t just stall for long like this, you thought as you nibbled at your lower lips. you watched the sunlight going dimmer through the glass doors as the minute hand of the clock tick away and the dark, silence of the evening draw in. the streetlamps got switched on by the very few people who were still outside, some in raincoat and some with an umbrella covering their entire being.

yet you had nothing else to do other than watch the downpour with two heavy bags of groceries now placed on the floor, each on one of your sides, until you found a familiar figure cross the road from the other side and in the blink of an eye, stand with their back facing the glass doors of the convenient store you were standing inside.

the board back and the tall stature kept ringing a certain bell in your head, telling you to recall someone you know of. but you couldn`t really bring it to yourself to utter the name because it was all blank inside your head right at that moment. meanwhile, you watched that person running their hands though their wet hair, swiping them back as drops of rain water trickled down the side of their neck, getting absorbed at the edge of the collar of his demin jacket.

you looked away right then as you felt bad for a moment as you felt guilty of feeling at least grateful that someone is going through the same turmoil as you.

but you still circled back to the main question of the hour and went on to think hard again that you know many people with such board back, such stature like that in this town so what was really that different about this person.

deep in thought, you didn`t realize that with furrowed brows you`ve again started looking at the person`s back for long, almost boring hole through them.

as if on instinct, suddenly, that person turned their head around to only get greeted by the quick blink of your eyes followed by the widening of your eyes as your lower jaw loosens a bit.

“han....sol?” considering you`ve not spoken for long since you paid the cashier an hour ago, your voice came out weird, all cracked up and filled with hitches. hearing his name sound that broken in your voice, you instantly cleared your throat, feeling a bit flustered.

meanwhile, hansol who was the same person you were so curious of, got inside the store before shaking his feet off so that the rain water doesn`t dribble down onto the floor of the store, making a mess.

you looked up at him, and as if like it`s in the nature, you were thrown off by his wet hair tousled back messily exposing his forehead. his pale glow along with his eyes that was washing over you was overwhelming too and the yellowish light from the streetlamp put on that warm tone against his side.

he walked up to you, a small laugh of disbelief came out of his mouth as he lifted one of his arm a bit to reach out for your hand, that was still hanging on your side.

“how? what? i don`t understand….. when did you come back?” you shook your head as you bombarded him with questions all the while as your neck kept craning up further to look up at hansol as he approached you further to finally stand close to you.

but instead of answering, he took your hand and placed it on top of his open palm and put his other palm upon it, covering your hand in-between his, warming you up under this cold rainy evening.

“________, i just got off the train and it started pouring so i ran for some shed,” he replied, in that mellow yet deep voice of his.

“you didn`t tell me anything,” you spoke too quickly surprising yourself but it seemed to have amused hansol as the hint of mirth was evident at the slight widen of his eyes.

hansol only smiled, humming at you as if cooing you not to be mad at him.

he then looked down at your hand that was encased in his own before he started speaking, “i…..was sitting on my bed last night after a long day at the studio and thought that, it`s okay. our days are counted anyway, so i should just listen to my heart and do things that makes me happy.”

you watched him lift his eyes up to look into your own which was on his all along. the brown of his eyes was beautiful as the light from the streetlamp lit up that spark in his eyes. with a flutter of your eyes, you urged him to say more.

“so…i`m here because i realized that i was missing you and i wanted to, nevertheless, see you,”

you wanted to almost laugh at his face and at his dramatic ass.

but you couldn`t bring yourself to do it so recklessly. you noticed how his face was so focused on yours with a hint of smile at the corner of his mouth, almost slightly lifting his cheeks up. and his eyes, they were moving, oh so gently, observing you and taking you in. so instead, you nodded, quite amicably as your mouth formed an ‘o’ shape, eyes moving away, a nervous knot sticking at your throat.

“i really don`t know if you`re kidding with me but i`ll take that reasoning,” you try saying, “i appreciate the sweet gesture.”

“anytime,” hansol replied back in a cool tone.

next moment, when you`ve finally slipped your hand out from in-between his palms, worrying that you didn`t want to sweat all over his palm, his eyes slowly moved to the groceries that sat at your feet.

suddenly, his hands felt empty as if a part of a puzzle was missing.

“the rain…” hansol heard you speaking so he looked up swiftly at you, eyes focusing on your mouth, “i think it stopped, well, maybe just a drizzle.” the slight shrug of one of your shoulder, he noticed it all with a raised brow.

hearing you, he looked around to see the street in front of the convenient store not getting hit by the previous downpour but rather small circles forming as the light, almost unnoticeable, drizzle takes the stage.

“you need help with that?” he offers his help to you, noticing you bend a bit to pick the bags up.

“with what?” you ask him back, as you finally picked up the groceries.

with his forefinger, hansol pointed at the groceries in your hands.

“ah, no it`s cool,” you reply to him with a smile, “just maybe open the door for me?”

nodding, hansol walked towards the door followed by you. opening it and then getting out of the store, he held the door for you to get out without any hurdle.

“thanks, hansol, i`ll get going then,” with that you started walking away from him but then you heard hurried footsteps behind you and a familiar voice calling you out.

“wait, _______, you know what? let me help you with that,” hansol offers, “they look heavy and the road is slippery so….please, don`t say no.” he pleads further with his hands already reaching for the bags in your hands.

“but your house is in the opposite direction to my house,” you rebuke back, pulling the bags behind you so that hansol can`t reach for them, “you had to already stall back because of the rain, your parents and sister will be worried.”

hansol sighed, closing his eyes.

“_____, they don`t know i`m here, let me help you, i`m a guy. nothing will happen to me. i`ll be worried if i just let you go this late with…” he pointed at the relatively heavy bags filled with all kinds of groceries, “those heavy stuff.”

“hansol…you`re acting really weird tonight, anyway,” you said, exhaling a bit forcefully before closing your eyes for a second, “here, take one, then!”

pushing one of the bags towards him, you were greeted by a big smile on his face and a strong grip on the bag getting replaced by your somewhat struggling one beforehand.

“i`ve never seen anyone this happy carrying groceries…you`re nothing but sus tonight,” you broke into a whisper under your breath, clicking your tongue, which only made him shake his head, almost denying that this looked nothing but very normal to him. this was just some regular human interaction.

and then as you started walking past him, hansol only followed you close.

at first, his eyes remained on his feet watching it unconsciously match with your own footing, but then he smiled, as he watched your back, his cheeks lifted up and he almost smiled with all his teeth if not he had unconsciously shaken his head covering that slight birth of a big smile with the rolling of his lips.

you didn`t understand him that night.

you still can`t understand what was so different that particular night or the next morning or till the day he went back to the city one week later.

hansol―his eyes, they stayed on you longer, his mouth formed more words and phrases than usual. behind those sentences, you could almost feel a yearning, a string that pulled you in until you reach back to your room that night. you didn`t know if the goosebumps on your skin was from the air that carried the farewell of the rain or the way hansol never for once pulled you out of his undivided gentle gaze.

you didn`t understand him. you felt like he was keeping you behind some curtains and he just, simply, not letting you in. a hesitation evident in the way he was moving any conversation with you.

more so because he never held your hand like that. hansol isn`t touchy like that. he just doesn`t randomly encases your or anyone`s hand like that in his palms. he`s the kind to give you space, to stay by you, let you loan that shoulder of his or sometimes his ears to feed in your words but never anything that involves the clash of skins.

you couldn`t remember the last time, you actually held his hands apart from the slight brushes of his fingers against yours while sharing earphones at the swing set or him giving you his textbooks for you to take down the notes from your missed out classes when you guys were still at school.

but never like this. so voluntarily.

or maybe it was because you met him after a long time that it felt so foreign to be in his presence. as if a sudden emptiness got filled up out of nowhere. something that`s synonymous to a piece of puzzle finally coming back to its home.

it confused you because you`ve never seen him like this. but then you secretly liked it too ; the sudden change was like something in him upgraded.

but he looked, somewhat, if you weren`t mistaken, a tad bit vulnerable. as if at any moment if you had moved a bit close to him, if you had said something out of blue, he would have fallen apart.

so you were worried for him, what if he still had not properly settled back in the city? was he homesick? what if he`s not eating well? you almost cursed at yourself for forgetting to ask if he had made any friends in the city that night, if he had found someone for whom he might have some feelings considering you`ve known all your life how hansol has never been in love with anyone. he had yet to pass that mark so you wanted to know if things changed in the city. or maybe just as simple as if he was doing fair enough?

thankfully, both of you promised to see each other next morning, not at the swing set but at the open field next to both of yours high school. hansol, who never believes in such clichés almost made you pinky promise him. you could only laugh at his silliness. everything was just so out of blue with him that you stopped thinking about it for some while.

you bit down your lower lip convincing yourself that maybe he missed you, just like he said. nothing really changed in-between you two, right?

yeah, that must have been it. maybe it was just all in your head, you said to yourself that night when your head finally rested against the pillow.

when hansol finally turned his back to your place and started walking to his place in the opposite direction, his head was dizzy.

he couldn`t believe his faith. he couldn`t believe that the first person he saw after he stepped back onto this town was you considering the reason of his sudden visit was you. and not just meet but halt the time with you for that long, exchanging not just small complimentary greetings but rather longer sentences. it was like someone had already planted all the clues for him to catch them all to reach the treasure island.

it was as if time was working some magic to let this meeting draw out longer. as if someone poured some courage in him to force you, to convince you to let him walk you back home.

it wasn`t like him, he knew that very well, to force you, forget even convince you with anything. hansol never crossed that line but that night to his own surprise, he did the said.

he knew very well, how capable you were to carry those two bags of groceries but it was as if he couldn`t let go of you that night that he tried his hardest to draw out that time spent with you longer, doing not much but at least anything.

hansol wondered if you found his acts that night indifferent. he hoped you didn`t find out anything. he begged for all the forces of the universe to not let things become awkward when he finally gets to see you, in full glory, under the sun.

he just wanted to let you be behind the curtain for a while, before he can finally face with his own feelings, but he hoped that those undiscovered feelings, for now, doesn`t take away even the bit of that space he shares with you.

he wants to cherish you, as long as he can. even after you`re out of the curtains.

that night he went back to sleep after surprising his mother at the door with his sudden arrival. he spent the time at the dinner table well enough, catching up with his younger sister, with his parents.

when they asked how he was doing, he only said the truth and that he was well but he did miss home so he just wanted to visit a bit.

but when he finally pulled the cover onto himself on his bed, hansol knew that it`s just not this home but some other too which pulled the strings tied to his back to this town.

next morning, under the glorious sun and the air that still had some petrichor left in it, you walked down the road to the vast open field of nothing but fresh green grass.

your eyes found a boy who shared the same youth. you didn`t know if it just from the results of him spending more days inside the studio than the outsides under proper daylight but hansol looked pale.

it looked as if his skin glowed under the sun like snow next morning after christmas. you could see the waves of his hair on his head and when you walked close enough to stand behind him who was sitting on the grass legs-crossed, you bent down a bit, pushing your fingers through his dark hazel strands.

hansol, feeling the suddenness of the act, cranes his neck back to look up at you but instead of properly getting a look of you, he could only squint his eyes when he felt the sunrays hitting his face hard enough to obstruct him from stealing a glance of your mischievous face.

“um, ______?” his voice draws out and in confusion, he could only say your name.

what could you say? you asked yourself, that you were doing this because you suddenly thought of last night. that when hansol was standing with his back facing you right outside the convenient store and he had for that one moment swept his wet hair back, it made you feel something? that you wanted to know what it feels like to run your own fingers through his hair? that would be embarrassing. so you chose to not speak it and keep it within yourself.

instead, you only giggled before replying, “they looked like they wanted to be touched,”

“interesting,”

you pulled your fingers out of the tangles of hansol`s hair and plopped next to him on the grass. when he found you next to him, he could finally take a proper look at you. his eyes noticed something different about you and when you turned your head around to look back at him with lifted brows, he realized what it was that was slightly different about you.

“you cut your hair?” he asked, pointing at your shoulder length hair.

to which you hummed back at him before laying down on the grass.

“you look pretty,” hansol complimented as he laid down next to you, his arms crossed behind his head, supporting his neck. but he almost, for a split second, offered you his arm in his head but when he saw you with your closed eyes, under the sun and very much enjoying the touch of grass against your neck, he retrieved back his offer.

“thank you,” you replied to his compliment, “it was mostly because of the weather. i couldn`t take the heat anymore.”

“that`s alright, whatever makes you comfortable and happy, of course,”

“oh,” suddenly, you opened your eyes and lifted yourself up, holding the weight of your upper body on your left elbow and fixating your concentration on hansol, you almost forgot that you were supposed to ask some very important questions, “i was going to ask you somethings.”

“somethings?” taken aback by how quickly your peaceful outlook changed right in front of his eyes, hansol looked at you with a slight widening of your eyes, “go on.”

“you`re not homesick, are you?” gulping down a bit, you looked at him expectantly, waiting and fearing for the answer that might spill off of his mouth.

lifting himself up on both of his elbows, hansol looked at you with a more confused look and tilted his head, “why would i be homesick?”

“no i was just,” closing your eyes, you tried focusing on your following words, “you looked like you were homesick last night so i thought if you`re doing well in the city. are you going well, hansol? in the city? what about food? are you eating well?”

the boy in front of you only scoffed, almost rolling his eyes at you.

“_______, of course, i`m doing well. i`m eating well, doing well, sleeping well and definitely, not homesick.”

liar, hansol told himself, but what else could he do than lie to you like that? it was impossible for him to come up with the words like ‘yes, i was homesick, terribly, but not for my home, not for this town, not for anyone but you’ because this was all new to him. he didn`t have any ways known in his dictionary to do this thing. he was unaware, practically uneducated. so the only thing he could trust right at that moment was his instinct and all the engines working in his head.

when he had felt your fingers pushing through his strands few minutes ago, he almost lost it. he had closed his eyes for once and had taken a minuscule deep breath before looking up at you. it was not in his nature to lose control like this. he wasn`t easy to move so he wondered what made you so incredibly strong enough to move him.

he was scared of the power you held in yourself, under those fingertips of yours, under that gaze of yours. it was not easy to read you so he wondered for once what he looked like from your point of view, he was curious for the thoughts that flowed through you when you look at him. it can be anything, at least he would have something to take back to the city with him.

“oh,” you only blink for a few seconds at him before moving back to your original position and that was laying back onto the grass.

“i told you not to worry much, don`t put so much pressure onto your head. it`s not healthy, _______.”

“it`s fine, i was just worried. i`m cool now.” you assure him.

and then, both of you just ended up laying on the grass until it was almost noon, talking about this and that until you both had to go back for lunch.

hansol walked you back home, yet again and this time, surprisingly, you didn`t stop him.

when one week later, hansol went back to the city you had gone to the station to bid him yet another goodbye with a promise that you both would email each other, would keep each other updated with each other`s lives but not a promise of seeing each other again the next day.

maybe a month later? who knows. as long as both of you are safe, nothing really matters.

but walking back home from the station after his train left, your mind went back to the conversation you had with hansol in the field next to both of your high school that morning:

“_______, something`s been on my mind lately,”

“what is it?”

“i can`t tell now. i feel like we`re not ready for that yet.”

“we? don`t tell me you`re going to break our friendship if you find someone in the big, posh city, hansol. i`ll kill you if you do that,”

“no….______, that’s not what i meant. i`ll tell you someday. i think you`ll know a part of it somehow because i can`t really hide things from you,”

“i don`t understand, hansol, it`s not something bad, is it?”

“it`s nothing bad. just some new stuff i had not felt in my life before. i`m still figuring it out, sorting out my feelings, you know, but i`m sure you`ll find it out for sure.”

“hansol.....as long as you`re healthy, nothing matters to me. really. just be well, do whatever you love. never ever stop running after things you love. you can never do anything wrong…i trust you. just….be healthy and visit me, sometimes. i won`t demand much.”

“what if i let you to demand from me?”

“huh? what do you mean by that?”

“i`m just saying…nevermind.”

“okay then…maybe when you start making money from your music….buy me books, that`s all i`ll ask of you.”

when hansol laughed after that, it was empty as if something was stuck at the back of his throat but right then no words foamed up to his mouth from there. it was empty.

but you didn`t ask him anything because although you knew something was on his head, you wanted him to figure it out on his own. because you knew he could never do wrong.

hansol is sensible. he knows what is doing so you wanted him to leave him with that.

and, although you missed his presence in this town, you could still pull him back by sending him emails to which he`ll send you some more. he`ll send you pictures, new melodies or lyrics he wrote ‘just for fun’.

it`s fun, being with hansol. with him it feels like taking a stroll in a forest with a calm stream flowing next to you as the sound of crickets become the only sound to your ears. it`s an escape.

hansol has always been your escape. somewhere you don`t have to speak much and someone who will still reciprocate to the burdens of your life.

you loved him and his presence and everything that brings with himself when he enters into a room. his sudden erratic excitement and his calm stream-like nerves. you are thankful that you got to grow up with him in this town and if anyone ever wants to know what it feels like to have a hansol in a town, maybe they can simply visit the places he leaves some traces of him.

because hansol is like the smell of rain, you can`t see him and neither can you feel it but it`s there in the air, floating around you, moving through your curves and edges and just, simply, staying next to you until you don`t need him anymore.

fin.

222 notes · View notes

triptuckers · 3 years

Text

Taking care of you - Jesper Fahey

Request: yes! “Omg I got so happy when I saw that your requests were open because I looooove your writing 🥰 Is it okay if I request a Jesper one where the reader, his gf, goes out partying with Nina after a job for the Dregs so she returns to the Slat in the middle of the night a little drunk so Jesper has to make sure she gets in their bed okay and how he takes care of her in the morning. Just some domestic, fluff with Mr. Fahey 💛💛 Thanks in advance!!!” Pairing: Jesper Fahey x reader Summary: Jesper takes care of you after you come home drunk after a night out Warnings: none Word count: 1.5K A/N: MORE SOFT JESPER !!!! I am a sucker for sweet, caring, lovable boyfriend Jesper. thank you so much for requesting this, enjoy reading! :)

Every once in a while, you allowed yourself to blow off some steam. Your favorite way to do so, was to go out with Nina. Going out with Nina was always fun.

You’d go to a bar, get a few drinks in, and happily gossip away. And if you really needed to let go, you’d dance with her, even though most of the bars didn’t even have live music. Somehow Nina always found someone who could take care of the music.

Tonight, after a successful job, all it took was one glance for you to loop your arm through Nina’s, and you were on your way.

Of course, Jesper had promised to wait up for you. Even though you told him he shouldn’t, that you could tell he was tired and he deserved some rest. He’d refused to go to bed before you got home.

And he keeps his promise. He’s sitting at one of the tables with Kaz, when the door opens.

You and Nina walk in. Or rather, Nina walks in, while you’re heavily leaning onto her shoulder.

‘Hi guys!’ you say happily, when you notice Jesper and Kaz. Your heels dangle from your hand as you wave at them.

‘I guess you two had fun, huh?’ says Jesper, already amused by your happy and bubbly state.

‘It was amazing. I beat Nina.’ you say as Jesper walks over to the two of you. He looks at Nina, silently asking for an explanation.

‘Shots competition.’ she says, sounding surprisingly sober. ‘But it takes a lot more drink to get me drunk. Y/N’s only got a few, but she already claims she can rob the entire Merchant council on her own.’

‘I can!’ you say, sounding offended.

Jesper chuckles. ‘Thanks for getting her home, I'll take her upstairs.’ he says.

‘Oh thank god.’ says Nina, removing your arm from her shoulders and handing you over to your boyfriend.

‘Nina, don’t go, the night’s still young!’ you say.

‘Night’s not young, Y/N.’ says Nina as she walks over to join Kaz. ‘And you’re Jesper’s problem now!’ she calls over her shoulder.

You turn to look at Jesper. ‘I’m always your problem.’ you say, grinning at him.

‘Luckily, you’re a delight to have around.’ says Jesper, wrapping an arm around your waist and starting to guide you to the stairs.

‘How many drinks did you have?’ he asks you.

‘A few.’ you say, trying to sound convincing. Jesper raises an eyebrow at you. ‘A few more than that?’ you say in question and he chuckles.

‘Do you think you can walk the stairs?’ asks Jesper.

‘No!’ calls Nina from the other side of the room. ‘I basically had to drag her back here. Do not let her walk those stairs, she’s gonna trip and end up with a broken neck.’

‘Alright then.’ says Jesper, moving to stand in front of you. He takes your arms and puts both of them around his neck, but he dodges you when you try to kiss him. You look up at him and pout your lips.

‘Not when you’re drunk, darling.’ he says. ‘And I need to be able to see the stairs when I'm walking. I don’t want to trip and have both of us end up piled on the floor.’

‘I would love to have you piled up on top of me.’ you murmur.

Jesper laughs softly and hooks his arms around you. He lifts you and you wrap your legs around his waist as he starts to walk up the stairs. You bury your face in his neck and feel sleep slowly getting to you. After laughing and dancing with Nina, and the journey back to the Slat, you couldn’t ignore how tired your legs felt.

When he arrives at his floor, Jesper keeps one hand on your back as he opens the door to his room with the other.

Once he gets to the bed, he carefully sets you down. You look up at him and smile tiredly. His heart absolutely melts at the sight of you. Clearly tired, but you still got that happy energy of a night out buzzing around you.

Jesper closes the door and walks back to you, offering his hand. You take it and allow him to pull you to your feet. He turns you around and starts loosening up the corset on the back of your dress.

‘I thought you didn’t want to do anything.’ you say teasingly, though your voice sounds tired.

‘We’re not going to do anything, darling, I told you. Not when you’re drunk.’ says Jesper.

‘Tomorrow?’ you say.

‘If your headache isn’t killing you tomorrow morning, then sure.’ he says, helping you out of your dress.

He gets a shirt out of his closet and holds it up for you to slide your arms in. Your eyes study his face as he buttons up the shirt.

‘Jesper?’ you say.

‘Yes, love?’ he says, fastening the last button.

‘I love you. You know that right?’ you say.

Jesper chuckles. ‘Yes, love, I know. I love you too.’ he says. ‘But now it’s time for you to get some sleep.’

‘I’m not that tired.’ you say, suppressing a yawn.

‘Sure you aren’t.’ says Jesper, gently pushing you toward the bed. You lay down and pull the covers up, already feeling your tired body shutting down.

‘Sweet dreams, darling.’ says Jesper and you feel him kiss your cheek before you fall asleep.

The first thing you notice when you wake up the next morning is a pounding headache. You squeeze your eyes shut and press your palms to your eyes.

Going out with Nina was always fun. Except for the part where you claimed you could drink her under the table. You never could.

You turn over, reaching out for Jesper, but he isn’t there. You open your eyes and frown. He’s always next to you when you wake up. You always wake up at least an hour or two before he does. So it’s strange he’s not next to you.

When you roll over again to look out the window, you notice it’s not morning. The sun is high in the sky, and you can hear the sounds of people talking in the street below.

Then the door opens slowly and Jesper pokes his head around the corner. He smiles when he sees you.

‘You’re awake!’ he says, opening the door further and stepping into the room.

‘Room’s bright.’ you grumble, closing your eyes again.

‘I’m sure every room is bright to you, given that you got very drunk last night. You must have a killer hangover.’ says Jesper.

‘How bad was it?’ you ask him.

‘Oh, it wasn’t that bad. Just the usual. You lost a drinking game to Nina and couldn’t keep your hands off of me. I’m used to that last part though.’ he says.

‘Did you get me coffee?’ you say.

‘Even better.’ he says. ‘Coffee and waffles form the place near the docks you love so much.’

Upon hearing his words, you open your eyes immediately. Jesper is standing next to the bed, looking down at you. It’s only then you notice the small bag and steaming mug in his hands.

‘Did I mention I love you?’ you say, sitting up and taking the bag from his hands.

‘You tell me that several times a day, so yes.’ says Jesper and he sets the mug of coffee down on the bedside table. ‘How’s the headache?’

‘Not as bad as the last time.’ you say.

‘You mean when you threw a pillow at my face when I said “good morning” to you?’ says Jesper.

You narrow your eyes at him. Last time you got hungover, every sound was loud, including Jesper’s voice. You were frustrated and irritable and had indeed thrown a pillow at his face. He’s never going to let you forget about it.

‘Watch it, despite the fact my head feels too heavy for my neck, I can still aim very well.’ you say, making Jesper chuckle.

‘I asked Kaz if he can skip you today if he needs to get things done.’ says Jesper.

You meant to say ‘thank you’, but through a mouth of waffles it’s hard to form any words. You swallow it and smile.

‘You’re an angel.’ you say.

‘I know, I'm the best.’ says Jesper. ‘I'm off to do all the little annoying jobs he usually makes you do because you don’t mind all the running around. And as for you, stay here, I'll come check in occasionally with a new delivery of the latest gossip, along with limitless kisses.’

You smile again. ‘What would I do without you, Jesper?’ you say.

‘Fall into the dark pit that is called life, without any sunshine in human form, like me, to cheer you up.’ says Jesper making you laugh.

Being hungover wasn’t that bad. Especially when Jesper Fahey was around.

A/N: If you want to request something, make sure to read my house rules Here’s the list of characters I write for. Everything that I have written can be found on my masterlist. Please don’t repost my work, as I spend much time and effort on it!! Thank you for reading! Much love, Marit

#jesper fahey #shadow and bone #grishaverse #Jesper Fahey x reader #Jesper Fahey x you #Jesper Fahey oneshot #Jesper Fahey oneshots #jesper fahey fanfiction #jesper fahey fanfic #Jesper Fahey fanfics #Jesper Fahey fic #Jesper Fahey fics #shadow and bone fanfiction #shadow and bone fanfic #shadow and bone fanfics #shadow and bone fic #shadow and bone fics #shadow and bone oneshot #shadow and bone oneshots

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fawnandshadows · 3 years

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After The Ceremony - Chapter 5

Happy Saturday!

I was going to wait until Tuesday to post the last chapter of After The Ceremony, but I just couldn't wait! I am so close to finishing the first chapter of my new fic called You Painted Me Golden which I will be posting later this week maybe even Tuesday. I wanted to thank everyone who has read, liked, reblogged, and commented on this story! I never would have finished without all of your encouragement, and I am so appreciative! This story can also be found on AO3

Rating: M

Word Count: 3,903

Warnings: Not super explicit, but nsfw just to be safe

Azriel was a wreck of nerves as he stared at the solid wooden door in front of him. Elain was on the other side — his soulmate, his literal soulmate, his other half was only a knock away, and Azriel, who had been in countless battles and performed unspeakably brutal acts without so much as flinching, was scared. He was scared to show her the knowledge the book in his hand held because even though he knew that Elain had feelings for him, what if she didn’t want this?

He took a steadying breath and raised his fist to knock when the door opened. His hazel eyes looked down to find a flustered Elain looking up at him, her brown eyes warm with relief and crackling with desire. The little sigh that escaped nearly broke him.

“Hi,” Az said lamely, but that was all it took for Elain to launch herself at him. Her arms twining around his neck and her legs wrapping around his hips, her sweet smell of jasmine went straight to his head, and he had to prop his hand against the door jam because his knees wobbled and threatened to give out. “Elain.” He groaned and took a deep breath, trying to inhale as much of her scent as he could.

“I missed you,” Elain whispered and pulled back to plant kisses across his face. She stopped long enough to give him a heated yet shy smile, “Thanks for coming back.”

“I’ll always come back, Elain,” Azriel said and pressed his lips to her forehead. She was so small it was adorable how easily she fit in his arms, even when he was holding her she wasn’t quite eye-level. “Always.”

She beamed at him, and her smile looked like sunlight streaming through a rain cloud, and suddenly every worry, every hesitation, and every apprehension disappeared. He walked through the door, set her on the closest surface —which happened to be the counter in her kitchenette that was also splattered with flour and filled with baking equipment— at his questioning glance she said, “I was stress baking.”

Azriel released a small chuckle and fully took in her appearance. Flour was sprinkled in her messy hair and her cheeks were flush, she had an almost drunken look on her face as she gazed at him with heavy eyes. She looked absolutely adorable. He loved seeing her rumpled and flustered. And suddenly an image burst into his mind of Elain with a rounded belly breaking bread, and two children — an older male with dark hair, and a younger female honeyed hair— running through the kitchen, and his heart started to ache.

The small smile on her face tugged at his heart.

“Have you seen that? In one of your visions,” Azriel asked and at her confused look he explained. “Us, or you, with children.” The loving, knowing smile on her face was his answer.

Wordlessly, Azriel opened the book from the library and handed it to her. She looked surprised, as if she had forgotten everything that had happened that morning, and took the book from him. A frown creased her brow as she concentrated on the words in front of her, and Azriel soaked in every small movement her face made. He was so used to watching her from afar that he relished the opportunity to gaze at her freely. Her face was so naturally expressive it warmed his heart that she didn’t feel the need to guard herself and hide what she was feeling around him, he had noted that she did it with the rest of their family, but not with him.

Slowly Elain lifted her head and her wide eyes connected with Azriel’s. He spent the last 500 years training himself to have an unreadable face at all times, and all that hard word came crumbling down as Elain let out a breathy “oh.” He let her see everything he was feeling: his fear, his anxiety, his limitless and unyielding love. He put it all on his face for her to see.

Elain, more collected than she had the right to be, placed the book beside her and cupped his face in her hands. Azriel stepped between her legs, and his hands gently landed on her hips. He felt the breath leave his lungs as Elain pressed the sweetest kiss on his lips. She pulled back just enough and said, “I love you, Azriel.”

Her heart was threatening to crack her ribs in two. Elain couldn’t bring herself to say anything else once she saw the openness on his face, her heart almost broke at the tender emotions laid bare on Azriel’s beautiful face. Elain watched, and the shadowsinger was surprisingly easy to read without his walls up — she saw the disbelief, the twinge of uncertainty, and wanted nothing more than to wipe away all of his fears and self doubt. She supposed she had the rest of her life to do that.

“I love you, Azriel,” Elain repeated herself and brought his face closer to hers. She brushed her lips against his, which were slightly more puckered than usual due to her hands holding his cheeks, and she had to hold her own tears back as she felt his warm tears stream down his face. “And I need you to know that. This soul bond between us, whatever it is, I would love you just as much without it. I love every scar on your body, and I won’t stop loving everything about you until my heart stops beating because it only beats for you.”

She kissed him again. Her fingers cupped his strong jaw, and his grip on her hips was so tight she knew there would be bruises, but she didn’t mind — she loved how strong he was, and she didn’t want him to hold back, ever. Their lips moved together, slow and unrushed yet Elain could feel his emotion with every brush of his tongue. She pulled back and brushed away his tears with her lips. Her hand slid down his neck to rest over his chest, and Elain could feel his heart pounding just as hard as her own.

“Soul mates, huh?” Elain asked with a silly grin. “How would you feel if I said I already guessed that?”

Azriel let out a harsh laugh.

“Did you?”

Elain gave him a playful nod and said, “Yes. Ever since we all sat down to dinner the first night, I just couldn’t get you out of my head, and when you came for me. I was screaming so loudly, so loudly down whatever bond I could find, and you came for me. When I saw you I knew that my prayers had been answered — in more ways than one. That was when I knew you were the only male for me. The only male that I would ever want. The only male I would ever love.”

Azriel’s hand came up and pressed against hers, pushing her hand closer to his chest to feel the beating of his heart. He licked his lips before saying in a broken voice, “This is yours. I tried to ignore it for so long, I hope it wasn’t — I hoped my heart couldn’t belong to someone else because that’s fucking terrifying. And I thought that it made sense in a perfectly twisted way, that I finally found someone I could love and somebody who could love me back, but the only catch was that she had a mate— the cauldron had given hers to someone else,” A small smile formed at his lips. “I should have known you wouldn’t give a damn about what the cauldron said. I’m not very good with my words, but I will show you everyday that I love you. When I bring you coffee in the morning. When I kiss you awake and kiss you to sleep. When I have to beat up Cassian for the stupid things he says,” Elain couldn’t stop the laugh that forced it’s way out. “Just know that whatever I do, I do it with love for you.”

Elain flung herself at Azriel, and this time he was prepared for her. His arms enclosed her in the safest place she had ever known. Azriel lifted her off the counter, without breaking their kiss, and carried her into her room. He only stopped when his shins hit the wood of the bed, and he let out a curse as he took in the tiny cot.

“It was just meant for one. I don’t think my sister thought I would be… entertaining in the bedroom.” Elain explained with a blush. Gods did he love when she blushed.

“Hold on tight, Love.” Azriel said, and Elain knew what was coming next. In the blink of an eye everything was black and she was engulfed in shadow, and a moment later she was back in Azriel’s room. It looked exactly how it did early this morning when she left it. The same fire crackling in the fireplace and the same cozy quilt on the bed. Elain thought it was cute that he slept with the quilt, but she wasn’t sure why.

Azriel tossed her gently on the bed, only to prop his arms on either side of her, and kiss her again. He kissed her as if he were drinking from her, sipping at her lips, as if she was his only source of life. Elain let out a moan as her finger went to his hair. She loved his hair. He kissed her, and with every kiss they leaned a little farther back on the bed until he was crushing her with his weight. She loved how heavy he was on top of her; it made her feel safe. Elain brought her legs up to wrap around his hips, and she shifted her legs forward in a deliberate move, and this time they both let out a groan at the friction.

Scarred hands fisted in her dress, and Azriel pulled away to ask, “Can I take this off?”

“Yes,” Elain said breathlessly. “Just don’t rip it. It’s hard to find dresses that match your siphons.”

“I love you so much,” Azriel said with a surprisingly gentle kiss, and removed her dress with such delicacy it was borderline reverent, and in no time she was naked beneath him.“And I’m going to tell you every day for the rest of our lives. Morning,” Azriel pressed his lips to her lips. “Noon,” He kissed her bare stomach. “And night.” He pressed a kiss to her hot center.

All of his desperation seemed to have melted away and he licked at her like she was the sweetest thing he had ever tasted, as if she was something to be savored and enjoyed. Elain wished she had his serenity, but her fire was burning hotter than ever, and Azriel’s tongue was the only thing that could soothe her. She gripped his hair a little too harshly and ground against her face in a lewdness she had never experienced before.

The growl that came from Azriels throat vibrated in all the right places that she couldn’t stop herself from coming all over his face. She rode out her orgasm, until the fog lifted from her mind, and when she opened her eyes she saw his molten eyes gazing at her as he licked her center. His wings fluttered ever so slightly.

“Oh,” Elain said with a sudden wave of doubt. “Was- was that ok?”

He grinned at her in a way that promised pleasure and said, “That was more than ok,” He crawled up the bed to her until he was right above her. “I think hearing you scream as you come on my tongue is my new favorite sound.”

Elain’s face heated and she gently pushed his shoulder.

“Do you think someone heard?” Elain whispered and Azriel threw his head back with a laugh. A wild and free sound that resonated deep in Elain’s soul. He didn’t think he had ever laughed when he was in bed with a woman before, but he found he loved it.

“I hope they did.” Azriel said with a self-satisfied smile, and laughed even harder at Elain’s horrified expression. He didn’t stop himself from kissing her nose. He would never stop himself from kissing her ever again.

“Az!” Elain whisper-yelled, and Azriel couldn’t help but adore her more.

“Promise me something,” Azriel said. His hand found hers, and he wrapped their fingers together before brushing his lips against her delicate fingers. “Promise me that you will never hold back. Never suppress your sighs, moans, or screams — even if you’re screaming at me for something I did wrong,” The vulnerability in his voice nearly shattered Elain’s heart. “Never feel embarrassed when you feel anything, especially when you feel pleasure.” The vulnerability melted away into something smoother and headier that caused Elain’s skin to heat and prickle.

“I promise.”

Azriel shifted just a little and Elain felt the blunt edge of him at her entrance, and she didn’t even try to stop the moan came from her throat. He brought their entwined hands up over her head, and the other placed itself at her hip. Elain would have sworn that her blood was boiling wherever he touched her.

“Are you ready?” Azriel asked, and Elain was too muddled from her lust to form words, so she gave him the barest of nods. His lips captured hers is a slow, lazy kiss, and if Elain were capable of thinking she would have been irritated by how collected he was. She felt more impatient than she had in her entire life, and true to her promise she didn’t hold back, she lifted her hips and let out a sharp breath at the feel of him inside of her.

Elain’s eyes had opened just in time to see Azriel’s roll back into his head.

“Fuck.” Azriel let out a jagged breath. He held himself still, Azriel knew how large he was and that Elain needed to adjust to the size of him, the feeling of her soft, velvety heat clenching around him — coupled with an ungodly amount of restraint — caused his body to tremble. He waited until he felt her relax around him before pressing deeper into her, and after a small eternity she accepted all of him.

“Elain,” Azriel said in a strained voice. He waited to hear Elain’s incoherent mumbling before speaking again. “I’m not sure how gentle I can be.”

The brown eyes that gazed up at him somehow turned incredibly clear.

“I’ll take whatever you give,” Elain said with a loving smile. “I don’t want you to hold back either.”

She had shattered his self control — completely annihilated it and smashed it to smithereens. He heard him promise her that the next time would be better, but his hips were already snapping into hers, and then their lips were seering each other's skin, and the smell of their arousal and sweat perfumed the room.

Neither of them cared that the bedframe was hitting the wall at an alarming rate, and that if their family didn’t know what was happening, then they certainly did now.

The only thing the lovers cared about was each other.

Azriel had never left so drained, yet so light, after making love. Actually, Azriel thought, this was probably the first time he had ever made love before.

Soon after Azriel found his release he gracelessly flopped onto Elain. He didn’t have the strength to lift himself up, or pull himself out of her body, but he needed to feel her. Feeling her skin against his reminded Azriel that it was real — that what had happened between them, something he had never even let himself dare to hope, was real and that no one would take it from him.

“Azriel?” Elain said, her voice thick with sleepy pleasure. This time it was Azriel’s turn to form some type of disjointed reply of random sounds, which caused a sense of giddiness to flood Elain. She had done that to the shadowsinger. She made him feel so good that he couldn’t form words. “I think we should do that as often as possible,” She suggested and was pleased when she felt him nod. His head was tucked into her shoulder, and his hair tickled her neck. “I think I want us to make love in a meadow. I found this beautiful clearing a couple months ago, it’s so secluded, it would be the perfect spot. I want to see how your skin looks in the sunlight, fully exposed. All of your skin.”

Azriel could tell that she was slightly embarrassed by her request, and his heart thrummed excitedly with the knowledge that she felt safe and comfortable enough to share that with him. He didn’t think he would ever get used to that. He peered up at her and said, “As you wish, my love.”

Eventually, their frantic love making turned into lazy melding of their bodies and souls. All day and night they planted hot kisses on each other, their bodies easily finding a perfect pace every time they made love, and they stopped only when they felt the need to sleep, but whoever woke up first would wake the other in the most delightful way.

Nobody dared disturb them. Not even to bring them food.

As the dawn broke the next morning Elain and Azriel came to an unspoken agreement that it was finally time to face their family and return to reality, no matter how much they wished they could stay in their own world they created. When they finally tore themselves away from each other long enough to put some clothes on and go downstairs, they realized how hungry they were. Not two seconds after smelling the freshly cooked bacon did Elains stomach growl, in a very unladylike way, and notify everyone in the dining room of their presence.

Everything looked almost the same as it did the day before, except this time Mor was sitting at the table with an absurd amount of food piled on her plate, and Lucien was nowhere to be found.

Mor was looking at the pair with a knowing grin, and Cassian’s wolfish smile was almost enough to ruin the bliss that Elain and Azriel felt. Almost, but not quite. Feyre and Nesta looked almost as happy as Elain felt, and both Az and Elain were surprised at the happiness on Rhysand’s face.

“Good morning.” Elain said tentatively. She noted that they didn’t bother to wait for them to eat. Azriel didn’t say anything, but he followed Elain to the buffet table and held two plates that she filled with bacon, ham, eggs, bread, and potatoes. It was more food than Az had ever seen Elain eat at once, and a blush coated her cheeks at his raised everbrow. It was obvious to everyone in the room how Elain had worked up such an appetite.

They remained silent as they sat in the two open seats at the table, ignoring how everyone watched their movements. Azriel smiled fondly as he watched Elain prepared their coffee.

“Took my advice, huh?” Cassian broke the silence, which caused a flurry of events. Mor, Feyre, and Nesta all scolded him — Mor even smacked him on the head. Amren gave an amused smile, and Rhysand rolled his eyes affectionately, but his smile turned wolfish as well.

“Do you know?” Elain asked, fighting off any embarrassment she might have felt. She didn’t love the idea of her family knowing all of the sensual details, but she knew she did nothing wrong. Maybe someday she would feel more comfortable discussing her sex life, but right now she wanted to keep it between her and Azriel. “About the bond?”

They all nodded their heads.

“And you're happy about it?” Elain asked the group, but it was really directed towards Rhysand.

“Why wouldn’t we be?” Rhysand said with an annoying grin. “A bond created by the Mother certainly trumps a mating bond, and now that there is no cause for a Blood Duel there’s no real chance of you guys starting the next war,” The High Lord stopped and thought for a moment. “Hopefully.”

Elain reached under the table to grab Azriel’s hand to give it a squeeze. All of her worries were quickly vanishing except one. She turned to Feyre to ask, “Is Lucien still here?”

Feyre looked at her with surprise in her blue eyes, and Elain knew why; She never once sought out Lucien before, but Elain had hoped to catch him before he left. She didn’t want any more misunderstandings or hurt feelings.

“He’s packing now,” Feyre explained. “At some point yesterday after you left breakfast Lucien tried to feel you through the bond, but the bond wasn’t there,” Her eyes went back and forth between her sister and the spymaster. “We connected the dots after Mor told us what happened.”

“I’d like to speak with him before he leaves.” Elain said, and that was the end of that. They all went back to their breakfasts and simply enjoyed the food and each other's company, and they tolerated Cassian’s crude jokes.

It was an hour after they had finished breakfast that Lucien was ready to travel home to the human lands. Feyre, Rhysand, Elain, and Azriel waited in the parlor to see him off. Lucien shook hands with Rhysand and said a quick goodbye before turning to Feyre to give her a warm hug. When Lucien finally turned towards Elain, who was tucked into Azriel’s side, his eyes widened and he let out a small gasp as he saw the bond between them. For whatever reason he hadn’t noticed the bond between them yesterday, and it was only now that he saw the silver-blue river flowing between them. Elain would have loved to see it again.

“I hope you travel safely,” Elain said with a kind smile. “And I hope there are no hard feelings.”

Lucien tipped his head towards her and said, “I hope you are happy,” He turned towards Azriel and almost all of the warmth in his face had faded. Their relationship was still impersonal and cold, but they had hundreds of years to fix that. “Treat her well.” Was all the goodbye that Azriel got, and the shadowsinger’s response was only a narrowing of his eyes.

“Oh, Lucien!” Elain remembered right before Lucien went on his way. A big smile formed on her face as she said, “Vassa loves orange carnations. Especially ones from the field where you walk.”

Elain was delighted by the blush that appeared on his face, and the stutter that he had as he tried to figure out how she knew. It took a second before everything clicked into place and he realized that she had seen it. Lucien gave a warm thank you before leaving.

“Playing matchmaker?” Feyre asked with a bright smile.

“The world could use more love.” Elain responded before beaming up at Azriel, and she saw him gazing down at her with pure adoration and unadulterated affection. Love churned in his hazel eyes.

“I agree.” Azriel muttered and pulled her into a kiss.

They were finally free to kiss as much as they wanted, and Azriel was going to make every kiss count.

#elain archeron #elain acotar #elriel fanfic #pro elriel #elriel fanfiction #elain x azriel #elriel #pro azriel #azriel #after the ceremony #after the ceremony chapter 5 #my fanfiction #my writing #acotar fanfiction

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