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i-guess-im-into-this-now · 18 days

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The Apothecary Diaries

S1E7 First Watch

Here's where I watch The Apothecary Diaries for the first time and give my thoughts, analysis, predictions, and occasionally I stumble into a joke.

If you want to read from the beginning:

Episode 1

My character cheat sheet

Hongniang - Head LIW at Jade Pavilion

Lady Lishu - child bride concubine

Lady Ah Duo - one of the top 4 concubines

Lady Lihua - concubine who was poisoned by face power

Crystal Pavilion - Lady Lihua's residence

Jade Pavilion - Lady Gyokuyou's residence

Xiaolan - Maomao's servant girl friend

Lihaku - military officer who gave Maomao a hairpin

The Verdigris House - brothel

Luomen - Maomao's dad

Maomao has been ordered to rest since she was poisoned last episode. Her friends are worried and demand she take time to let herself heal. Maomao would rather not, but so far she is compliant.

And now that she has time to think, some of the things she has been repressing are rising. She's thinking about her father and wondering if he is okay. I suspect that she hasn't spent a lot of time with the grief of losing her old life. But grief is something that is inside you, not something you can run away from. Now that she is still, there is no where to hide from it.

Her trauma is also making itself known. She admits to feeling uncomfortable without her freckles painted on. Her altered appearance has been a shield she wore to protect herself from the male gaze.

The fact that she is processing her grief and trauma is actually a good sign that she is in a place that she feel safe. And I credit that to the love and care she receives at the Jade Pavilion.

But Maomao can only tolerate so much of this kind of introspection, so she paints her freckles on and goes to ask to be allowed to work. Apparently, most of the people at the garden party thought Maomao was literally a different person and Lady Gyokuyou is fine with Maomao hiding her true face.

Gaoshun has been at the pavilion all morning, just waiting for an opportunity to talk to Maomao, and not for any other reason, especially not to spend time with Hongniang. Lady Gyokuyou sent this high ranking official out to the yard to pull weeds because he was making eyes at Hongniang bored. Once again Maomao notes that Gaoshun is prime husband material. If only he weren't a "eunuch." My prediction here is that he is a private guard/official to Jinshi who was assigned to the rear palace along with his master, rather than a regular eunuch or palace official.

Jinshi actually sent Maomao the poisonous soup that she asked for. Gaoshun wants her to promise she won't drink it. Lol.

Maomao is out here using fingerprinting analysis to solve this crime. She deduces how many people have touched the bowl and is compelled to tell Gaoshun her theories on Lady Lishu's food taster. A fuller extent of the bullying that Lady Lishu experiences is painted. It turns out her ladies in waiting are even more terrible than Lady Lihua's.

The person who added the poison touched the rim of the bowl which is something servants handling food are trained not to do. So that eliminates a few suspects. Maomao has passed what she knows to Gaoshun, and therefore Jinshi. Hopefully he will have some insight.

But not tonight. We are seeing an exhausted Jinshi for the first time. He hasn't slept, or changed his clothes, and now he doesn't have the energy to be formal. Gaoshun scolds him for it.

Gaoshun: Your true nature's starting to show.

Jinshi: Who cares? There's nobody here.

Gaoshun: You're forgetting me.

Jinshi: A little slack, if you please.

Gaoshun: No.

As it turns out, Gaoshun has been looking after Jinshi since the day he was born. Yet, despite their long relationship, Jinshi is not permitted to relax in his company. I feel bad for Jinshi here. His relationship with Gaoshun may be the closest one he has, and yet even this is so formal. It has to be a lonely existence.

And as if we hadn't picked up that Jinshi is in fact a prince, this whole conversation offers more evidence. He has had a minder since the day he was born, and the dignity of his station must be maintained at all times.

And if that isn't enough, Jinshi's hairpin is a symbol of his status. Gaoshun is frustrated that Jinshi just tossed this hairpin of great importance.

It's something only special individuals can wear.

Xiaolan informs Maomao that she can use the hairpin she was gifted to request that the man who gave it to her escort her outside the palace. Maomao is enthusiastic about the idea. And two men have given her a pin. I'm guessing she'll ask the bouncy military officer before Jinshi, even though she knows him better. Things are complicated with Jinshi and there are so many unnamed feelings between them. Asking Jinshi would mean something. Whereas Lihaku means nothing to Maomao. He is a means to an end.

Not Maomao questioning whether Jinshi qualifies as a man! OMG!

But considering how one of them lost a certain part of their anatomy does he still count?

And Lihaku is... kind of a shitty guy. He's repulsed that Maomao isn't as beautiful as she was at the party, accuses her of being clueless, and trying to take advantage of him. His tune drastically changes when Maomao makes an offer to get him a night with a high ranking courtesan.

And this is why Maomao chose Lihaku to be her escort rather than Jinshi. This is what she has to trade. An introduction to a famous courtesan would not be of interest to the two women, or the "eunuch" who gave her hair pins, but it very much interests Lihaku. This is just a business transaction for both Maomao and Lihaku, but it is a successful one. Maomao has secured an escort to take her home.

Maomao's pavilion friends are enthused for her. They essentially are acting like Maomao has accepted a proposal. They don't question her on why the man she is leaving the palace with is a different guy than Jinshi who they saw give her a hairpin first. They are simply happy for Maomao's good fortune. Maomao understands none of that. Lady Gyokuyou knows that Maomao doesn't understand about the hairpins and she spares a thought for Jinshi saying:

A pity. His poor heart. When he finds out, it's going to shatter.

Which delights her. Lady Gyokuyou is looking forward to seeing Jinshi suffer. Me too.

And sure enough, when he visits a day too late, Lady Gyokuyou delivers the new about Maomao in the most devastating way she can, implying that Maomao has eloped. She then laughs at Jinshi's horrified reaction before softening the news by letting him know she'll return in 3 days. Lady Gyokuyou is my hero.

As we enter the pleasure district, Maomao describes the various roles the women there play. The Three Princesses of Verdigris House are revered by all. They outrank everyone else. Courtesans in general are respected and there are many girls who hope to be one. Though it's very competitive. Girls will become servants and train to become a courtesan but there is no guarantee they will achieve it. This show is always showing us the various roles that women play in this society.

The Madame of Verdigris House greets Maomao with a violent gut punch. She does allow Lihaku to enter the brothel and meet with one of the princesses. Turns out Maomao is paying half of all of her earnings from the palace for this opportunity. And it's still not enough. She's in debt to the brothel. That's probably not a good thing. In fact, I could see that going very, very wrong. She's going to need to be careful.

Maomao returns home, and things are weird with her dad.

Maomao: Hello Dad. I'm home.

Luomen: Oh. Welcome back. You were gone awhile.

Maomao is so happy to see him. She's smiling the whole time, but the casual interaction after her disappearing without a trace and coming back after so long, is weird.

After Maomao falls asleep, Luomen is reflecting and thinks:

The Rear Palace? What a twist of fate.

What do mean Luomen?!

Do you mean generally? Like oh, look how this poor girl who used to live on the bad side of town and work hard to scrape by, is now living in the palace and hanging out with royalty?

Or do you mean specifically? Is there some reason that Maomao being in the rear palace is remarkable? Does she have some hidden connection to the palace? Does she know?

Very little JinMao content in this episode. Which is probably good because they have some things to think about about after all the events of the day of the garden party.

We might be seeing the beginnings of Jinshi unraveling. He's either unable or unwilling to keep up all the walls he's kept until now. Maomao somehow slipped through and he's starting to question if it's worth the effort to keep them up. He tested taking them down with Gaoshun, but was rebuffed. But the cracks have already begun forming and it's only a matter of time before things start to give. He's had a taste of something real and I doubt he can go back to the way things were before.

Maomao on the other hand is running. She had some time to think in the beginning of the episode and she's scared. The emotions are so big and scary. And for as honest and straightforward as Maomao is, she is not good at being vulnerable. It's not a coincidence that she left the palace right after all that happened with Jinshi the day of the garden party. She needs to get away from the palace and Jinshi so she can evaluate how she feels and decide what she wants to do.

Maomao returns home, back to a place where she knew who she was and what she wanted. But she's changed from her time in the palace, and she needs to examine that. Her desires have also changed. Does she really want to leave the palace and return to work for her father?

There are parallel stories being played out between Maomao and Jinshi. Both of them have changed and can't return to the way things were before.

It will be interesting to see how these characters adjust to change, and how their stories will differ or reflect each other.

Most of Jinshi's challenges seem to be external; the pressures of his status, the condfines of his station. He seems willing, perhaps even eager, to face the rising emotions.

Maomao on the other hand has a lot more freedom and less external pressure than Jinshi (ironic because she's an indentured servant), but she instead struggles with internal stressors; the scars of trauma, and fear of intimacy. She fears the rising emotions.

For both of them, there is no going back, and they will have to adjust to the changes and face the challenges that result. There is no way out but through.

But hopefully they will come together face their challenges side by side.

🤞

If you want to read these from the beginning:

Episode 1

Next episode:

Episode 8

#the apothecary diaries #apothecary diaries #maomao #jinshi #jinmao

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buckys-little-belle · 2 years

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k i know you don’t write for them, but you reblog the marauder boys so much 👀 so i was wondering if you would write for them? i have this idea that the reader has a bad relationship with their family 😭, like never goes home on holidays and never gets mail, never wants to talk about their childhood, and the boys ALWAYS wonder why. remus, because he’s so smart 😌, reads lots of books, and he has heard of regression, and realizes that the reader is one because they want to remember being happy as a kid and when little they feel happy and then maybe the boys ask to be their care giver and let them be a happy baby all the time and remus is happy because he feels so out of control when turned and now he feels good and maybe james is a little? and sirius is the fun dad? and it’s like a little family at hog waters and they just all alllllll are happy?

Happy Family

The Marauders x Little!Reader (They/Them pronouns) (Cg! Remus, Cg!Sirius, Little!James, Little!Reader)

Warnings - Vague talks about family issues, vague talks about childhood trauma, they all eat meals, food, crying, angst, but very much fluff and comfort as well!

Notes - I did change this up a little, just time wise, it’s the same thing, I just know your ask could be decoded and analyzed a different way for a different storyline, this is just what I came up with! I did try my best, I’m super new to writing these three, and I’m very sorry if it’s not good!

SFW - Please keep all interactions with this post, and with this blog, SFW.

- - - - - -

The grand hall was loud, conversations coming from each angle as students ate, the murmur of plates moving, and the sound of footsteps seeming to be constant. The first dinner of the year was always a wild one, new students buzzing, old students getting back together, and people eating as if they had never seen a bread roll before. “Hi, could I sit here?” A voice called out, Remus, Sirius, and James looking up towards the person.

Y/n stood frozen, a deer in the headlights sort of moment, their robes tousled, their eyes panicked. Remus spoke first. “Yah sure.” He said, gesturing to the seat beside himself, James and Sirius opposite of him on the other bench, both shocked that someone was asking to sit instead of just sitting, after all it is one big table full of people. “You’re.” Remus began. “Sorry I forgot your name.” He adds, genuinely embarrassed at his lack of information.

“Um, I’m Y/n, yah I kind of keep to the back of the class, so I don’t expect you to know me.” They hurriedly said, sitting down and reaching for a bread roll, their eyes immediately searching the room.

“Are you okay?” James asked, his eyes following where Y/n had gone, now looking at the Ravenclaw table.

“Oh, Yeah, don’t mind me, sorry for sitting here, I missed the train and someone sat in my usual seat.” They rambled, stuffing the bread roll in their mouth hurriedly.

“Slow down there.” Sirius laughed, watching Y/n eat as if it was their last meal on earth.

“I just want to get out of your way quickly is all.” They muffled, mouth stuffed, looking at Sirius with panicked eyes, hoping they weren’t bothering him.

“If you leave quickly how are we gonna be friends?” James asked, his smile suddenly replaced with a frown, his mind slowly going foggy, wondering if he was doing something wrong.

“Oh.” Y/n said, realizing they hadn’t even taken a second to recognize that the boys weren’t angry at them, that they actually enjoyed their company for some reason.

Remus picked up Y/n’s plate, looking down at them. “What do you want to eat?” He asked, Y/n’s expression growing confused before James interrupted.

“He has long arms s’ he gets our food.” James smiled, digging back in to his dinner.

“I like everything, can you just make sure the foods don’t touch please?” Y/n asked, looking over the different dishes placed along the table as Remus began platting the different foods.

“Hey that’s ten points!” James shouted excitedly, looking at Y/n with pure excitement. “Do I get to share points with them?” He asked, turning to Sirius.

Sirius whispered to James, the boy now back to eating, dropping the prior topic. “Here.” Remus said, handing Y/n the plate, all the foods separated, a good few millimetres between each different one.

“Thank you.” They said as hey began eating too.

“Ten more points.” James whispered, hardly above hearing level.

“So Y/n, what classes do you have this semester?” Sirius asked, the three boys turning their attention to them.

Y/n reached into their pocket, pulling out a tattered piece of paper, one that was wrinkled and had a few rips. “This term I have potions, Apparitions, Herbology, and then.” They paused, pulling the page closer to their face. “I actually don’t know what class I have last, sorry.” They sighed, a wave of defeat washing over them.

“That’s okay, I can get you another paper for tomorrow morning.” Remus said in between his own bites. “Sorry, I don’t think we introduced ourselves I’m-“

“Remus, Gryffindor prefect, your James, Gryffindor’s Quidditch captain, and your Sirius, you-“

“You can stop there.” Sirius smiled, not wanting to know what label he had been given by the general public.

Y/n nodded, placing a bite of food in their mouth and then looked across the room. “Are you looking for someone?” Remus asked, the three boys now looking at the Ravenclaw table, scanning it for whatever Y/n was scanning it for.

“I have a younger cousin, Henry, it’s his first year I just want to make sure he’s okay.” Y/n laughed, the first genuine laugh they had heard from them. “He’s fine, he’s the one standing on the bench there.” Y/n pointed, their finger pointing to a young boy standing on a bench, telling a story very dramatically.

“I wonder what he’s saying.” James asked.

“He’s probably just talking about his dad, he works with dragons.” Y/n mumbled.

“No way!” James yelled. “Actually?”

“Mhm.” Y/n said, clearly not wanting to talk about it, James looking to Sirius when Y/n didn’t perk up at the mention of dragons. “I actually have to go, I have a thing to do.” They stood up, putting their piece of paper back in their pocket and giving a weak smile. “Thanks for the company.”

Before the boys could say anything Y/n had run off, Sirius and Remus sharing an all knowing glance, James just getting back to dinner, knowing ten points awaited him if he ate all of his vegetables.

- - - - - -

“Y/n!” Sirius shouted down the hallway, trying to catch Y/n to give them a new schedule. Y/n finally stopping and turning, looking surprised to see him. “Here.” He said, handing them the paper. “I put a protection spell on it so it shouldn’t get ripped again.” He smiled, slightly out of breath. “Well, Remus did, but he’s not here so I can say I did.” He laughed, making Y/n smile and chuckle in response.

“Thank you, tell him thank you.” Y/n said before turning around again, walking away.

“Why don’t you?” Sirius asked.

“What?” Y/n turned back around.

“At dinner, sit with us again.” Sirius said, standing in the middle of the hallways like a fool, a slight plead evident in his voice.

“I don’t want to-“

“You aren’t going to bother us I promise.” He smiled. “Just think about, okay?” Y/n nodded in response, finally leaving to get to class.

- - - - - -

“Are they coming?” James asked Remus, the boy just shrugging his shoulders as a silent answer.

“Hi.” Y/n said, sitting down beside Remus, just like they had the first night.

“Hi.” The three boys said in unison. Remus talking alone next. “What do you want tonight?” He asked, picking up Y/n’s plate.

“You know you don’t have to put the food on my plate right?” Y/n smiled, the smile not quite reaching their eyes, but seemingly getting the job done.

“I know, I just.” He paused and sighed. “I like taking care of people, so just let me do this.” He smiled, putting food on the plate, making sure the food was separated from each other.

“Wait can you-“ Before Y/n could ask for the food to be separated their plate was put in front of them on the table, the food separated perfectly. “Thanks.” They confusedly mumbled.

“So what did you do last night?” James asked, the two other boys cringing, they wanted to know, sure, but they knew there was a time and a place to ask such personal questions.

“Um, I just read a bit before bed.” They smiled, picking around at the food on their plate.

“Don’t play with your food, darling.” Remus said nonchalantly, as if it was second nature, the nickname shocking Y/n slightly.

“Sorry.” Y/n apologized, looking at their plate to figure out where to start.

“I always eat my veggies first, because then I get ten points.” James whispered loudly, trying to keep his words hidden from Sirius and Remus, but failing to do so.

“What are points?” Y/n asked. “Like house points?” They looked to both Sirius and Remus, flipping between the two, both boys giving each other a look, seemingly arguing with their eyes.

“No, Um.” Remus tried to begin, trying to explain their situation without making Y/n confused.

“What did you read last night?” James blurts out, having checked out of the current conversation a while ago, now just asking whats on his mind.

Y/n, who was mid bite, mouth full of vegetables, eating them because they desperately wanted know what the points meant, something both Sirius and Remus picked up on, paused, their eyes going wide. How do you tell three nice people who are maybe your friends that you read childrens books in your spare time. “Just some short stories.” Y/n answered, proud of their cover up.

Remus chuckled, the excuse exactly what James used to say, before they boys knew he was a little. As if on cue, James began speaking. “Oh, I like short stories too, my favourite is the muggle book ‘Frog and Toad are Friends’!” He smiled before shouting. “Toad Toad!”

“Wake up. It is Spring!” Y/n shouted back, laughing with James, them locking eyes before shouting in unison. “Blah!”

“So you read kids books, in your free time?” Sirius questioned, trying to make sure what he was hearing was right, Y/n immediately shrinking into their seat at the question.

Remus placed his hand reassuringly on Y/n’s back, a gestured allowed by the bench seats having no back rest. “He’s not making fun of you.” Remus gave a quiet chuckle. “Maybe you can borrow some of James’ books.” He offered. “Which books do you have?”

Y/n’s eyes lit up at his words, feeling accepted for the first time. Their mind swirling, finally figuring out that Sirius and Remus were caregivers, James just like Y/n an oddly comforting fact. Quickly though they once again sank back into themselves, their mind telling them they won’t be welcome back after this, the boys most likely not wanting another person to care for. “Um, just the toad one, but I don’t want any others.” Y/n quickly stood up, a few tears gathering in their eyes. “I really don’t want to bother you, thank you for dinner.” They said, before running off once again.

“Why do they do that?” James asked as he saw Y/n practically run out of the grand hall for a second time.

Remus turned his attention back to James, Y/n figure now out of sight. “Well.” He began. “You regress because you had a good childhood and want to feel that happiness again, where Y/n regresses because they had a bad childhood and want to experience being happy when being a kid. It might be hard for them to be happy with us because we remind them of a family and the bad memories of their own.” Remus explained, sounding like he read the words out of a book, because in all actuality most of it did come from a book.

“That’s really sad.” James confessed, laying his head on Sirius’ shoulder. “I hope we get to see them again.” He said, missing the person he had met two days ago, their company already something he longed for.

“Why don’t we buy them a book tomorrow when we go to Hogsmeade?” Sirius suggested, trying to cheer James up, which he successfully did.

- - - - - -

Y/n sat in their dorm room, the castle just gaining back it’s noise, the rest of the students away all day, off shopping, while Y/n did homework and read a book, sad that they couldn’t go, no permission slip signed in sight, but happy for some silence, and no roommates nosing their way around their stuff. “Y/n?” A voice called from behind their bedroom door, a hesitant knock following it.

Y/n stood up, their wand in hand, not sure who would be calling on them, especially since everyone had two more hours left on their trip. Y/n opened the door, peeking from behind the wood, met with the three boys, James upfront, a large bag in his hand, Sirius stood behind him, his hands on the boy’s shoulders, and Remus stood behind the two of them, slightly out of sight.

“Hi?” Y/n cautioned, opening the door more so they could be fully seen.

“Can we come in? We have gifts!” James beamed, walking past Y/n before they could answer, sitting on the floor contently, waiting for everyone else.

“Sorry about him, he’s excited.” Sirius said, walking in, sitting behind James on the floor, his arms going around the boy, whispering something in his ear.

“I’m sorry about the both of them, can we come in?” Remus chuckled, still stood outside of the room, his eyes sincere.

Y/n just nodded, a weary smile on their face, unsure of the reason for the visit. “Sit! Sit!” James cheered, gesturing to the floor in front of him and Sirius, Y/n sitting down quickly opposite of him, Remus sitting beside Sirius instead, the three practically viewing Y/n as if they were on display.

Y/n placed their hands in their lap, their fingers immediately intertwining with each other, fumbling over one another. “How was your trip?” Y/n questioned, trying to ease the awkward silence that had settled.

“It w‘s great!” James began. “We got you this.” He said, handing the paper bag to Y/n, who just placed it in front of themselves, unsure if they should open it right away, their focus stuck on the bag.

“Darling?” Remus questioned, causing Y/n to look up at him, a few tears threatening to spill. Remus frowned, shuffling to sit next to Y/n, his hand now placed on their back. “Why don’t you open it?” He suggested, Y/n nodding.

Y/n reached in, their hands hitting something hard, their fingers grasping a book. “ ‘s the second Frog and Toad book!” James beamed, a large smile plastered on his face. “You din’ want to borrow m’ books, so we got you one.” He mumbled, his back falling further into Sirius’ torso.

Y/n didn’t answer, their sniffle the only sound heard in the room. “I don’ want it.” They whispered, a few tears now rolling down their cheeks as they stood up. “I know you’re jus’ bein’ nice, i’s not fair.” They cried, stepping away from the boys to create distance.

“What do you mean ‘it’s not fair’?” Sirius questioned, sitting up straight, his eyes fixed on Y/n.

“You have James, you don’ want me, an’ you jus’.” Y/n sputtered. “I really like the book, and i’s jus’.”

“Y/n.” Remus began, cutting them off.

“No, i’s unfair, you’re jus’ feelin’ bad f’r me.” They cried, tears streaming down their cheeks as their bottom lip quivered uncontrollably.

“We don’t pity you Love.” Sirius said, his eyes genuine, his tone filled with sorrow. “Me and Remus want to take care of you, you’re sweet, you have great manners, and you get along with James.” He added.

Remus gestured Y/n to sit back down, them taking up the spot right next to him, no longer wanting distance from them. Remus’s hand went to their back, a gesture Y/n had grown to love and look forward to, the feeling comforting. “I know you’re unsure, it’s scary to trust new people.” Y/n nodded their head. “So why don’t we just take it one day at a time, okay?” He asked, his hand rubbing comforting circles on their back.

“C’n I eat wif’ yous at dinner then?” They asked, their gaze meeting each of them, as if asking them each individually.

“YES!” James cheered, genuinely excited for someone to play with. “Please.” He added.

“You can stick by our sides all you want Love, you’re apart of the family now.” Serious smiled, the rest of them following, the four of them sat their like a bunch of fools, smiling at each other, excited to start the new journey, excited for dinner that night. The little family taking things one day at a time from now on.

#buckys little belle #age regression fic #little!reader #age regression #marauders x little!reader #marauders x reader #marauders #remus x little!reader #remus x reader #remus lupin #sirius x little!reader #sirius x reader #sirius black #james x reader #james x little!reader #little!james #james potter

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ethereal27cereal · 2 years

Text

Bruises - Eddie Munson x Plus Size Female Reader (Part 3)

series masterlist

part 3/?

summary: Self-doubt creeps in with the morning after and a conversation with Holly sends your thoughts in a million different directions. Will Eddie actually call? Does he really want to get to know the real you, or will it go the way of all your past relationships?

warnings: Adult themes and content so MINORS DNI! This chapter gets pretty candid about dating, love, and confidence as a plus size person and some of the trauma that can be involved in that, so read with caution. mentions of fatphobia, societal expectations of larger bodies, being sexualized and fetishized as a plus size person, skinny friends offering somewhat triggering advice, body positivity vs. toxic positivity, and general feelings of self-doubt and healing trauma. Eddie is a bit of a perv with reader’s underwear, but no smut just yet.

genre: angst, a little bit of fluff at the end

word count: 7.7k

author’s note: Writing this part kind of broke my brain a little and got honestly pretty personal, so I want to thank @boomhauer and @wroteclassicaly for talking me through it and being so kind and willing to read over a section that was tripping me up. ❤️

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You perch on the edge of Holly’s bed, same spot you had been just the day before, instead this time you are absently listening to Holly as she prattles off all the salacious details of her escapades with Theo the bassist the night before.

“Is it safe for me to even sit on the bed? Should I have disinfected it first before I sat down?” you cringe and adjust in your spot as she describes in graphic details all the ways and places Theo had made her cum.

“Ugghh don’t be such a prude, Y/N. He didn’t make me cum in exactly that spot, it was right there,” she laughs and pats the spot next to your right thigh, causing you to hop up off the mattress and cross your arms, finding a new seat on the edge of her desk.

“How did you manage your mom not hearing any of this? Wasn’t she home last night?” you ask. Holly’s mom, Jen, had been a gracious host for the summer thus far, always making sure you and Holly had a fully stocked fridge and would even leave some extra pocket money out for pizza or the movies, a concept you were wildly unfamiliar with when you first saw the crisp fifty dollar bill just sitting out on the counter. But Jen was often gone, spending a lot of her time at the hospital with Holly’s dad since his illness had progressed so much.

“No…she ended up having to go in to see Dad…” her voice deflating as she picks away the loose skin from the perpetual summer sunburn on her arms. She plops down on the bed and begins to inspect her other arm, brushing her palm absently along the tender skin.

“Well at least you and Theo could get as loud and rowdy as you wanted to then,” you offer, quickly changing the subject knowing that her dad isn’t a subject Holly wants to dredge up at that very moment. Holly smirks and cheers again, diving right back in to divulge more and more detail about the sex.

“I think he might have made official boy toy of the summer status. I asked him what his plans were for the summer, and he said me. He said he wants to spend as much time as possible with me until we both have to go back to college. Isn’t that so sweet?” she blushes and bites her lip, only making you roll your eyes.

Holly had a tendency to attract men wherever she went, and she always found one charmer, ‘dumb and eager to make her cum’, that she would fall for hard and fast. You certainly weren’t slut shaming Holly, hell you’d had your fair share of fun, but Holly always managed to turn that fun into relationships. Whether they lasted only a week or two or several months, you always see the way she was willing to love with her whole heart, unapologetic and not scared to get hurt in the process.

Whenever Holly did have a breakup, she’d have a good cry, eat several pints of Ben and Jerry’s without ever gaining a single pound, brush herself off and get back out there without even a chip on her shoulder. She made love look easy, she made it look like being loved was easy. You hated to admit your envy of her, an inky viridescence that seeped through your veins and clawed away at the walls of confidence you had worked so hard to build up over the years.

“Did you hear me, Y/N, I said isn’t that sweet? That he wants to spend all his time with him this summer?” Holly’s dulcet voice shakes you away from your thoughts.

“Oh, yeah, yeah. Super sweet. I mean, just be aware that it might not work out when you both go back to college, so it might not be worth the heartbreak of getting into a relationship with that on the horizon,” you reply gloomily, often confusing pessimism for realism in order to keep your expectations for situations and the people in them low. Holly gives you a stern look, scolding you with her icy blue eyes.

“Don’t be such a poophead! So what if it doesn’t work out when the fall comes. But what if it does and what if Theo is the man that I fall in love with and marry and we are together forever and ever? If I never give it a shot just because there is a chance of heartbreak then I’ll never know, will I,” Holly muses, and while you hate to concede to the soft romantic notions she is spewing, you know she has a point. It might be worth it to have some carefree fun for the summer, though you could take or leave the part about wedding bells in the end.

“I’m not being a poophead, I’m just being cautious. Also what is with the insult, are you twelve?” you counter and she sticks her tongue out at you, wiggling her hands above her head for added effect. Holly smirks, as if she’s won the whole argument with a single gesture.

“He’s taking me on a date tomorrow night to Enzo’s. And Theo said he wants to see me again on Saturday too, maybe go to Lover’s Lake for a swim. I asked if it would be cool if you came along too and he said that would be totally fine,” Holly continues, pausing for a moment to gauge your response to this offer “I mean you don’t have to go, I just know there’s not a ton for you to do around here without me,” she finishes, seeing the wheels turning in your brain as you debate the offer.

“Theo is updated to boy toy status and I’m updated to third wheel status. Yay…” you mime a sarcastic cheer, waving invisible pom poms in the air.

“You don’t have to be a third wheel. You could bring someone….Eddie maybe?” Holly’s eyebrow quirks up as she suggests Eddie, testing the waters.

“Eddie? What makes you think I would want to bring Eddie?” you question, feigning ignorance and hoping that Holly can’t see the subtle pink that is slowly invading your cheeks.

“Because…because he totally took you on an adorable date last night and you haven’t even given me any of the dirty little details yet! I’ve given you all my details..”

“A few too many if we’re being honest here,” you interject. Holly rolls her eyes and exhales sharply before finishing her thought.

“Now it’s your turn, spill. Where’d you guys go? Was it good? Is he huge? There was a rumor that went around in high school that he had a huge cock, but no one I knew was ever able to confirm or deny that claim. Did he make you cum?” Holly rattles off a list of questions and thoughts and your mind swirls, trying to figure out just what information you really want to share.

Last night with Eddie, it was different. You cringe at the way the word sounds in your head but,it was special. He made you feel special. The way he looked at you with those full brown eyes, seeing through your skins to your thoughts and fears buried deep below.

Eddie’s heart had shown itself unapologetically, brave and bold even though he claimed to not always feel that way inside, welcoming you into his world one easy confession at a time. He had easily taken down barriers and blockades to let you in, making you feel like you were someone who was easy to be loved, could offer you kindness without any bite of cruelty or backhandedness to it. It makes you want to take all your already strong defenses and build them higher, stronger and studier just in case he might see you crumble.

You want to share with Holly, be able to have the casual girly chit chat that she was able to find a rhythm with so comfortably and easily. But it’s difficult. You want to guard the memories and keep them safe. If you let the memories out, some of your feelings might escape alongside them and then you would have to admit how you actually felt about Eddie, not just to Holly, but to yourself too.

“It was really nice,” you decide on your words finally.

“And….” Holly motions with her hand for you to go on.

“He took me to dinner at a diner outside of town and then we went to the lake and looked at the stars. He was very sweet and we kissed. I had a good time,” you summarize and hope that maybe that will satisfy Holly, but you can tell by the look on her face that she is not at all satiated.

“So that’s how you want to play it. Alright, Y/N. You don’t have to tell me every single last detail, but I will get to the bottom of how you’re feeling. You know the drill,” she hops up from the bed and shoos you away from your perch on the desk, guiding you by your shoulders to lay down on the tainted mattress.

“Holly, for real, I don’t want to get a venereal disease from your crusty sheets,” you groan and put up a weak fight.

“Shhhh, this is the only way I have found to get you to talk it out, and I need the full scoop on the Eddie situation. So lay back, close your eyes, and feel the way your body relaxes with each deep breath,” Holly soothes, settling herself in an upright position beside you. You hate and love the way she knows you so well, knows the way your brain works and the ways to ease the overstimulation that took over sometimes.

“Fine, I’m breathing and relaxing. You happy?” you sigh, trying to let your mind wander slowly to the events of last night without delving too deep.

“I am. Now, I don’t need to know all the dirty details if you don’t want to give them, but I sense that maybe this was a little more than just a hookup? Or at least you're fighting the feelings that it could end up being something more than that?” Holly’s voice is calm and steady, almost melodic as she tries to coax out the answers.

“It’s not more than a hookup, well not yet, but I don’t know. I mean just….I don’t know how to make sense of him. I may have had a little bit of a breakdown in front of him before we got to the dinner. It all hit me about everything that happened out The Hideout, and I’m still not really sure how to feel about all of that, but I sobbed all over his shirt and he just held me. Told me nice things and comforted me. It didn’t even sound like he was trying to be nice, he just was,” you blurt out, eyes squeezing shut, trying to keep out the world.

The situation with the drunken man at The Hideout was a new low, but it definitely wasn’t the first time a man had felt entitled to your body and your attention. Too many men assumed that just because you were bigger, that you should be flattered by even the tiniest speck of attention they paid you. Even if that attention was unwanted and unwarranted, you were supposed to bend over backwards to thank them. You had finally stopped the bending, but it didn’t mean they had stopped trying to break you.

“I’m really sorry that all happened at The Hideout. When you’re ready to dive more into those feelings, I’m here, but I know that can take time. What happened next, after you guys had dinner?” she presses gently, pulling you away from those thoughts and urging you to develop more of the details before really diving into your true feelings on the events.

“We got to talking about my Iron Maiden shirt, I told you someone would notice it, but he was really funny about it and wanted to give me a ‘metal music education’ so he offered that we go listen to music at Lover’s Lake. He played me some songs and then we smoked and looked at the stars. He was so open and honest about every little detail about him. Like he didn’t have anything he wanted to hide from me. He told me I made him nervous, and he wanted to kiss me. So I let him,” you exhale deeply and feel your body melting into the mattress as you try to clarify everything that proceeded from that point.

“Go on,” Holly purrs, her voice lulling you to your next utterance before your mind even has a chance to catch up.

“We kissed. A lot. His lips felt like this weird mixture of fire and ice and he kept saying all these things while he kissed me and touched me,” you pause, bringing your palms up to press gently against your closed eyes, the pressure grounding you, keeping you from floating away with your thoughts

“What did he say?” you hear the sharpness in Holly’s tone, a defensive and maternal bite as she prepares for the worst words he could have said.

“He told me I was a goddess. He said I was beautiful and pretty, and I think he really meant it too. And he said he wanted to taste me, I didn’t even have to ask or beg or offer anything in return, he just wanted to. He asked me for my consent every step of the way and didn’t make me feel forced into anything. And then after I came, he wanted to cuddle. Like not even a cuddle where he slowly forced my head down to suck him off either. Like his arms wrapped around me and my head on his chest. And I fucking fell asleep for a little too, he wasn’t mad and didn’t kick me out. He was just nice. He’s just really nice,” you hiccup down a sudden wave of emotion with the last phrase, all the words and thoughts suddenly bursting from your chest, leaving a lightness and what you are sure is an overwhelming flush.

“How did it make you feel? Eddie being nice just to be nice, singing genuine praises about you and your body, wanting to hold you and keep you close after?” Holly asks softly, but you flinch at the words. She played the role of friend therapist well, she knew when to push and went to relent, and this question hit a soft spot you don’t even realize you have.

“It made me feel…made me feel confused and scared. I felt like I was expecting his words and his actions to all of a sudden not match up and he would make some excuse to leave or some excuse why he was busy and wouldn’t be able to see me again. But Eddie didn’t. He didn’t do any of that. He said he would really like to see me again soon and I about shit a brick.” You slowly open your eyes to see Holly staring down at you, her expression pinched and perplexed.

“I think maybe I’m a little lost. Why was him being sweet and just genuinely a good person so foreign to you? Like I know it’s been a bit since your last relationship, but I see you with different guys all the time and are none of them nice?” Holly puzzles, honestly baffled by your response to Eddie’s kindness.

“Have you seen me Holly?” you say grimly, gesturing down at your body, thin lounge shorts exposing the ample curves of your thighs, baggy t-shirt clinging around your breasts and tummy as you lay flat back on the bed.

“Yes, I’m looking right at you, and I just see a beautiful, thick, real woman” she replies scrunching her eyebrows together, emphasizing every word as if she’s just given you some profound compliment that you most definitely should be so grateful to her for noticing.

“I love my body, well most days, but a lot of men don’t. The men who love bigger women like me tend to only love them in private. I’m fun to fuck, but not conventionally pretty enough to keep around and introduce to your friends and family. The men I’ve been with before have run through the whole gambit of sweet words to say while they fuck me, but they cringe when they accidentally touch my stomach and they can’t look me in the eye in the morning,” you hiss, words dripping with hate and regret and shame, and the one you hate most of all, self-pity.

“Why do you do it then? Why do you hook up with guys who treat you like that?” Holly searches your eyes for some kind of answer.

“Because I don’t know any other way how. I want to have closeness and intimacy just like everyone else! You can get pretty much anyone you want just by batting your eyelashes. I have to prove to men that I am simultaneously pretty, and funny, and also not a monster before they will even consider spending the night with me let alone get into a relationship with me,” your pitch escalating as you feel the unwanted sting of tears forming in your eyes.

“I think you’re being kind of mean, Y/N. I don’t get just any guy I want whenever I want them. And you’re being really mean to yourself,” Holly’s voice is barely above a whisper, steeling her jaw as she tries to come up with a better response. “I don’t think you always make the best choices in men and then you write off them being an asshole as some kind of reflection on you.”

“No. I think you’re being mean, Holly! You don’t know what it is like! You don’t know what it is like to have your first boyfriend, your very first fucking boyfriend, the one you’ve given all your first to, spent all of freshman and sophomore year of high school with, tell you that he thinks you would be a lot prettier if you lost weight, and that he gets a little sick when he touches your body during sex. He couldn’t even look at me when he said it,” you choke down a sob but force yourself to go on.

“And then I still had to go to high school for two more years with him! You know how long it took me to come back from that? Do you know what it is like to spend everyday trying to love yourself when you’re not even sure that you have ever experienced real love from someone else before? You don’t know what it is like, Holly,” you’re steaming with a rage that you didn’t even know was buried deep inside.

Holly shakes her head weakly in response to your questions. “You’re right, I don’t know what it is like. I’ve had breakups and heartache, but I have never had to hear such hateful words like that stupid little prick of a boyfriend said to you. You did not deserve that. You’re right though, I have not ever known what it is like to walk in your shoes and see how you see the world, but I do know how I see you. You like to think you can hide, but I see you, and I think Eddie does too and that is what scares you,” Holly’s cheeks are pink and tears are slowly streaming down them and she looks away from you quickly as she tries to regain her composure.

“He does scare me. And I feel like I’m just going to fuck it up so why waste his time,” you huff and quickly wipe away your own tears.

“When will you realize that it is not you who is the problem but the men you are choosing who are the problem? You’ve picked men who are no better than literal garbage and you set your standards low to keep yourself safe. If they treat you like crap then you have no reason to become emotionally invested in them or the potential of a relationship so you don’t have to let down any defenses at all. You hook up without feelings or emotion because you’re too afraid of having to be vulnerable and really let someone see who you truly are. And I don’t even think you can fathom the fact that someone might actually really like you for you. You keep these walls up with everyone, even me,” Holly speaks the painful truth and you open your mouth to protest, but she hushes you instantly.

“Don’t start, I see that look on your face, I know you keep things from me and that’s ok. There are parts of you that you’re not willing to open up about and I get it, but at some point, you gotta just let go a little. It’s okay to cry, show some of your weaknesses, and let someone take care of you, but still be strong and independent as hell,” Holly offers, really trying to be helpful. She makes valid points, you do have a hard time opening up and it has been for good reason, but the last thing you really want is your petite pretty friend giving you love and life advice.

You can’t think of any words that would be able to match the flurry of thoughts going on in your head, so you simply nod, pursing your lips and looking away from Holly as tears continue to trickle down your cheeks. You get up from her bed and walk towards the door, hand pausing on the handle for a moment when you hear her speak again.

“I guess you know where I am if you want to talk about it more. And I know it’s not really my place to say, but I think you should give Eddie a chance. Give yourself a chance, Y/N,” Holly preaches, a sickly sweet smile lacing her lips. You’ve never been more angry. Angry with Holly. Angry with yourself.

You fight the urge to throw something at her, scanning the dresser nearby and spotting a music box that doesn’t look like it would injure her too badly. But you resist, simply clenching your jaw in silence and closing the door behind you. You escape to the solace of the guest bedroom and collapse in a heap on the bed, burying a scream into the pillow.

Holly is right about a lot of the things she said, but you don’t need her to be your skinny savior. You may have been friends for a while and exist in the same spaces, but she was living in a wildly different world from your own. You don’t want to hear her preaching about your choices in men. You don’t need her to tell you that you’ll find the right guy when you just open up and love yourself. That line is bullshit. Utter bullshit.

You had spent many years fighting the negativity with that same kind of toxic positivity, if I love myself then I can be loved if I love myself then I can be loved, I can be loved despite the way I look I can be loved despite the way I look. Never realizing that you didn’t need to be whole to be worthy of love.

Too scared to look inward to heal the sad high school girl that didn’t ever deserve to be treated that way, that didn’t just deserve to be loved in spite of the way that you looked, but because of it. And also not because of it at all, but just because you are a person who is deserving of love.

The only way you knew how to move forward was to wall that high school girl in, keeping her safe there so the words wouldn’t hurt so much. You swallowed down self-love mantra after self-love mantra, I am beautiful, I am strong, I am worthy, hoping it would feed her and grow her strong. And it did, for a little. But your voice could only shout so loud and the walls got thicker and thicker, so the you inside had stopped being able to hear those kind words so well. You have truly grown more confident, age alone will do that sometimes, but all the attempts at losing weight did not equal happiness and that was often found out the hard way.

You were content with the body you had, but had to work around the ways others felt. With college came the newfound ability that you could actually attract men, a small handful, but still enough, and whether or not they were gutter trash was never your biggest concern because they were ready and willing to be close to you. You found fleeting moments of sick and twisted assurance in the brief power you held over men, your ability to give them pleasure and your willingness to do whatever they wanted.

It was wrong, and some part of you knew that, but it didn’t change the fact that that was the only way you knew how to get men to look at you, like you, see you. Their cock in your mouth and control at your fingertips, a powerful seductress as you watched them come undone at your bidding and then brush you away.

And Eddie hadn’t wanted that. He didn’t even want anything in return for the pleasure he gave, insisted upon it in fact. That alone was baffling and perplexing, but only compounded with the way he had worshiped your body, covering every inch of you with kisses and praises that made your ears ring and eyes water.

The way he held you in his arms when you cried, after you came, it felt overwhelming and new, and even though there is a nagging part of you that is telling you to run, you know you want more. Need more. You need more of Eddie. But did he need more of you? Was he genuine when he said he wanted to see you again soon? Would he actually want to get to know you or would it just be about sex like it had been in your past relationships? Above all that, would he even call?

You almost wish that he had given you his phone number so that you could have control over when you got to hear his voice again, hear more of those stupid jokes he told that made you laugh way harder than they should have. You stare over at the phone resting in its cradle on the bedside table, telling yourself not to obsess.

“He’ll call when he calls. He will call when he calls,” your voice comes out in a weak huff as you try to reassure yourself. You sit up from the bed abruptly and rifle through your belongings to pull out a well loved copy of The Princess Bride. You flip open to where you had left off, hoping for some escape from your own thoughts and lose yourself in the fantasy world where true love existed.

“And if he doesn’t call, that’s fine too,” you mutter to yourself, trying to resign to the idea by pushing the phone further away on the side table and burying your nose in your book.

“It’s fine, I’ll be fine.”

~*~

Eddie stares at the ceiling of his bedroom, tracing the lines of the afternoon shadows cast there, trying to conjure up any other thoughts in his brain besides you. He tries reading, but the words become a jumble before his eyes. He tries practicing the band’s newest song, but his fingers fumble over the cords he should know.

He huffs in frustration, thoughts clouding with your image, before quickly flopping over onto his stomach and pulling out his campaign notebook, hopeful that maybe planning some sick combat for the next D&D session could be the key to distracting him.

But it doesn’t work. In his hunt for a pen, he finds your panties and phone number still hiding in the pocket of his leather jacket. He delicately plucks the piece of paper with your number out and sets it on his bedside table, then pulls out your underwear, shivering as his fingertips make contact with the swath of fabric that had covered your core.

Without a second thought, he brings the pink cotton up to his nose and inhales deeply, the fading scent of your arousal washing over his senses and making his dick twitch in his boxers. He feels a little guilty for having taken them. You hadn’t said he could keep them, but you also seemed aware that they had gone missing and you weren’t too keen to find them.

But what does that mean? Does that mean that she wanted me to keep them, to remember her until next time? Or was it more of a parting and final souvenir? That she won’t plan on answering if I call and doesn’t want to get to know me or see me again, let alone let me get into her pants again.

He has already asked about five different people about when was too soon to call after a date. If you could even call it a date, he was pretty sure it was a date. Nancy had told him at least three days, at least that is what she had always heard. Robin said it was all made up patriarchal bullshit to mess with the girl’s head and to call whenever he wanted to. Steve had insisted on at least a three day minimum, but it could go up to five depending on how long he wanted to keep a girl waiting. Jeff and Gareth were pretty clueless, Gareth only just recently getting up the nerve to ask out the girl he had been dancing around for months, but they both said to do just whatever felt right.

Eddie doesn’t know what any of that means, all the conflicting opinions pound in his head and he just wants to hear your voice. He had spent the day after that night reeling in his thoughts, replaying the night over and over again just to make sure it had actually happened. He had figured that calling the day after was probably a little hasty, and he didn’t want to put you off by seeming too needy.

But it’s Thursday and with the weekend quickly approaching it is prime time for plans and maybe a second date? So what if he didn’t make it to day three before calling, Robin had a point that it was probably all just made up bullshit anyway and if wasn’t messing with your head it was certainly messing with his.

What would he even say if he did call? Hey, I haven’t stopped thinking about you since you punched that guy and let me eat your fries and your pussy. I really like you so can we do it all over again today, and the day after that, and the day after that, and forever until you get sick of me?

Absolutely not. That was way too intense, but exactly how Eddie feels. He hums over whether to ask you out on a date for this weekend or ask you to come join Hellfire tonight, wondering if that again was moving too quickly in this whole unfamiliar world of getting to know someone.

Without even realizing his hands are already in motion, Eddie’s long fingers are punching in the numbers, the hand that is holding the paper shaking like a leaf. He holds the phone up to his ear, closing his eyes and inhaling deeply, some of your scent still lingering in his nostrils. Please answer, Y/N. Please answer.

~*~

You are just getting to the good part, Buttercup has been kidnapped and the man in black has just made his first appearance, when the shrill ring of the phone startles you. You wait for a few rings, hoping that someone else will answer it, but then you remember that it is Thursday and Holly is out on her date with Theo and Jen is back at the hospital again. You hadn’t spoken to Holly all day, and frankly, you are kind of happy to have the house to yourself for the night. The phone continues to ring and you roll from the bed, deciding you are going to answer it. Trying not to hope too hard that it would be Eddie’s voice you hear coming through the phone.

“Hello, Anderson residence,” your voice oddly formal, but trying to be courteous since it wasn’t really your house.

“Uhh..I hope I have the right number. Is Y/N there?” the voice on the other line falters and cracks.

“Yes, this is Y/N, who is this?” you have a pretty good idea who it is, the boyish nervousness filtering through the phone lines, but you want to hear him confirm that you aren’t just dreaming it.

“It’s Eddie,” he hesitates, silence for a moment before you speak again.

“Eddie who?” you jest, trying to give him a hard time but your tone doesn’t come off quite a light and jokey as you wanted.

“Uhhh, from the other night at The Hideout.. You punched a guy and then I took you out to dinner and…” he trails off. Is she messing with me or am I that fucking forgettable. Eddie’s mind races, trying to debate the only two options he can see, and if it is the latter, how is he going to recover from that one.

“Oh yeah, that Eddie,” you reply lamely, hearing the anxious wavering of his voice as he tries to place an image of himself in your head. One that, little did he know, was already tattooed there since that night.

“That’s me. Not too many other freaks with long hair named Eddie running around Hawkins, as far as I know,” he offers, trying to add a lightness to his tone even though he is feeling a little bit hurt.

“That was a horrible attempt at trying to make you laugh, I’m sorry Eddie. Of course I remember you! I still have the bruises on my hand to prove the punch and you have me penciled in for a satanic sacrifice on Thursday. Oh shoot, today is Thursday! Did I miss it?” you ramble, cheeks flushing wildly when you hear his laugh ring through the line.

You stare down at the bruises decorating your knuckles, tracing the delicate yellow lace that has begun to surround the fading violet blooms, thinking about how Eddie’s fingers had followed the very same path.

“Ok good, I got a little worried there for a second that I just dreamt everything that happened that night, you being the woman of my dreams after all,” Eddie confesses, and you catch an audible thump and airy mutterings as Eddie trips over the phone cord. He presses a finger to his temple once he’s on steady feet again, trying not to overanalyze the words he has just said.

“I…uh…I mean, I’m glad you remember me. So the sacrifice is still a go for tonight. Hellfire, um it’s…uh, the Dungeons and Dragons club that I run is meeting tonight, and maybe you would want to join in and play, or you could just hang out and watch and I could teach you the rules. I think you would make a really cute Tabaxi cleric or maybe like a sexy Moon Elf wizard,” he rattles off excitedly before quickly falling silent in anticipation of your response.

“I only caught about half of the words in the last sentence, but I did hear that you think I’m cute and sexy and you’ve clearly been thinking about me playing D&D a lot,” you laugh, falling back into the easy playfulness of conversation with Eddie.

“Well I have been thinking about you a lot. Shit. I mean I’ve been thinking a lot about you coming to play D&D with me,” Eddie stutters and you hear what sounds like his forehead thudding against a wall.

“I’ve been thinking about you a lot too,” you admit, willing your voice to sound sexy and confident and not absolutely terrified. Eddie laughs in response, stuttering and stopping as he tries to begin to form his thoughts around that idea.

“I would love to come to D&D tonight. I don’t know if I’ll play tonight, as a sexy Moon Elf or a Tabasco clerk…”

“Tabaxi cleric,” Eddie corrects with a chuckle.

“Right, Tabaxi cleric. But I would love to hang out and see the magic happen, learn some of the rules so I can play next time,” you suggest with a beaming grin.

“Oh yeah for sure, you are welcome to come anytime you want. To D&D, I mean. Or like you did the other night. I mean not that I have been thinking about that. Fucking hell! This is not going as smoothly as I had planned. You’re relentless with that word vomit curse, Y/N,” Eddie chokes on his words and laughs, you can imagine the pink that must be spreading across his cheeks.

“Well, I will definitely be keeping that in mind for future reference,” you tease, quoting him from the other night when you’d had your own slip of the tongue.

“Ahh, I see what you did there, think you’re real funny don’t you, princess. You find it very amusing that you make me lose my mind a little bit when I talk to you,” Eddie sighs contentedly, enjoying the gentle slip into insanity if it means he gets to hear your voice.

“It’s only because I’m secretly a witch and have mastered the brain melt elixir, I snuck it into the milkshake the other night,” you try your best at a maniacal cackle, but it comes out as more of a nervous giggle instead.

“Clearly you are a very powerful witch, because the effects of the potion are still lingering. Or it could just be that I get tongue tied when I talk to the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen,” his voice drops to a lower register, a thick, warmness and sincerity to the tone that sends shivers down your spine. Your cheeks instantly redden and you try to think of an appropriate response, but flounder.

“Shut up, no you are,” you offer with a forced laugh. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to tell you to shut up. I don’t know how to respond to compliments, obviously.”

“I think the normal response is ‘thank you’, but fuck normal and I could also be very wrong. I’m not exactly the king of receiving compliments myself,” Eddie confides with a snorting laugh.

“No? You’re like a rockstar though, doesn’t that kind of thing come with the territory?” you question, trying not to pry, but very curious about Eddie’s dating history. After getting to know his personality a little more, he doesn’t seem the type to have a different groupie or fan every night, but maybe that was just you not wanting to picture him with anyone else but you.

“You are far too kind if you consider me to be a rockstar, sweetheart. But yeah and no, there’s a good handful of women who hang around The Hideout after gigs looking to have their moment with a musician or whatever, but those aren’t ever very genuine compliments anyway,” he concludes, trying to figure out how much is too much information to give.

“What about high school? I bet you had ladies lining up for some of that Munson charm,” you flirt, flopping over on your stomach to get more comfortable, feet kicking up behind you on the bed.

“Munson charm!? I feel like maybe you did meet another Eddie the other night, sweetheart, because I think you might be confusing my dumb luck for charm. I definitely tried to charm you, but I think we know how well that went with the word vomit,” he lets out an airy giggle and you both laugh for a moment before he goes on.

“As far as high school, I don’t know if you remember but I am the local freak. I didn’t exactly have them lining up waiting for me after my Hellfire Club or after it took me an extra two years to graduate. And now I’m a year out of graduating and still working at the local tire shop, so uhh…I don’t know if that answers the question, but that was my answer,” Eddie pinches the bridge of his nose with his pointer finger and thumb in an attempt to stop more words that might spill from his mouth without a filter.

You can’t help but smile, nodding and chuckling softly at his response. You shouldn’t have any right to feelings of jealousy about Eddie’s past relationship, but a sneaky small part of you is happy that he doesn’t have quite the lengthy history you thought he might.

“I can feel you nodding and smiling, Y/N, but my telepathy is feeling weak tonight so you still do actually have to say words over there,” Eddie reminds you.

“Oh duh, yeah, sorry. I do that way too often when I’m talking on the phone. But I…uh..I don’t think that working at a tire shop is a bad thing, everyone just has to take life at their own pace,” you comment, pulling a pillow up to your chest as you think about what it would’ve been like if you had known Eddie in high school.

“What about you, princess? Since you got me to spill my brief and nonexistent dating history, I think you should share at least a little snippet of yours. Being as gorgeous as you are, I’m sure yours is much more eventful than mine,” he coaxes lightly, also thinking that he’s not too sure he wants to picture you with someone else. He’s not a virgin, but definitely inexperienced enough to balk at the possibility that you’ve had a more skillful lover than he is.

“I think you might also have gotten me a little confused too, Eddie. Mine is just about as nonexistent as yours. There have been guys, a handful or two, but I’ve not really had any stick around for too long since high school, and the one in high school was a total prick, so I didn’t date at all in high school after him,” you explain honestly, hoping you hit the right mark of being just open enough without laying out all your cards.

“Well that’s a shame, I’m sorry he ruined things for you. If we had been in high school together I would’ve had such a big crush on you,” Eddie blurts out and then falls silent, his staccatoed breathing rustling in your ear.

“Yeah? I think I would’ve had a big crush on you too, Eddie,” you reply, voice curling into a seductive whisper as you let the heavy silence hang on the line after your words. Neither of you speak for a few moments, the sounds of breathing and thoughts swirling filling the line.

“So, um, Hellfire. What time is it tonight and do I need to bring anything? Sacraments to the dark lord? Sprite? Snacks?” your questions cracking through the silence, Eddie’s sonorous giggle filling in the gaps.

“No sacraments are required this time, no snacks or drinks either really. We have moved our base of operations to Gareth’s garage since both Jeff and I graduated, and his mom always does a big spread of snacks for everyone. So all you need is yourself and I’ll come by to pick you up at 7?” he proposes, creating a scratching static sound as he rubs the mouthpiece of the phone nervously against the stubble of his chin.

“Perfect, I will see you at 7 then. Do you remember how to get to Holly’s place?”

“I do indeed,” he replies eagerly.

“Great! I’m excited, I can’t wait!” you grin, sitting up from the bed and looking over at the pile of your clothes, hoping something would be appropriate for a D&D session.

“I’m excited too, I can’t wait to see you. Um…yeah, so I’ll see you at 7,” Eddie rambles.

“I’ll see you at 7. Bye Eddie,” you sign off.

“Goodbye, Y/N,” Eddie finishes and you hear him let out a puffy exhale before your ears are met with a click and the monotonous dial tone as the line goes dead.

You look down at your gold wristwatch, 2 more hours until 7. Just enough time to have a minor crisis about how you were going to properly function being around Eddie again, how to be cool about meeting all his friends, how to be open but not too open, and figure out what to wear!

Your stomach immediately weaves into intricate knots, closing in on one another as you try to keep your cool. First step to tackle will be the outfit, and maybe the other things will fall into place while you hunt through all the clothes you brought for the summer. After a heated internal debate about whether or not to wear a dress to such a casual event, you settle on simple with a pair of well worn jeans and an off the shoulder top.

“It’s good, you’re good. He called, so that’s already a good sign,” you reassure yourself, looking at your reflection in the mirror after putting on the chosen outfit. You probably should cover up a little more, it might embarrass him in front of his friends. Don’t get your hopes up too high, he might let you down. You allow the negative thoughts to rise in your mind for a brief moment before exhaling them away, no longer offering space for them to crawl back inside to fester. “I can go in with an open mind and an open heart and hope for the best, and even if he lets me down, that doesn’t make me a bad person or unworthy of love,” you stand firm and tall, staring thoughtfully into your own eyes. Offering yourself as much confidence, kindness, and sincerity as you can muster, you feel a tiny crack creasing through the walls built deep inside, crumbling and falling away.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Taglist: @boomhauer @wroteclassicaly @thisishellfire @wtf-lindsay @tayhar811 @churchmuffins @eddiethesexy @thatsonezesty13 @hellv1ra @lacrymosa-24 @halialex1119 @e0509 @a-time-for-wolvess @erinsingalong @warmaidensrevenge @natalielbeauty @fandomohana @bebe0701 @chickpeadumpsterfire @sillypurplemurple @renaroo123 @nackrosor

Some of the tags weren’t working well, so I’m really sorry if I tagged you wrong!

Always open for feedback and what you all would like to see in the next parts 💕

#eddie munson #eddie munson fic #eddie munson fanfic #eddie munson x plus size reader #eddie munson x fem!reader #eddie munson x you #eddie munson x y/n #eddie munson x reader #eddie munson angst #joe quinn #joseph quinn #stranger things fanfiction #stranger things

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jasntodds · 1 year

Text

Caving In [4]

Pairing: Gar Logan x Fem!Powered!Reader, Jason Todd x Fem!Powered!Reader

Words: 7,625

Chapter Warnings: Swearing, a nightmare, fluff, hurt/comfort, some paranoia, mention of torture, mention of abuse, Dick tries to kind of have “the talk”, Jason and reader argue (we all know sometimes Jason is an asshole, this is the only time this kind of argument happens btw), mentions of bruising and swelling, a mention of drug addiction, mentions of death

Summary: ❝Tell me Atlas: What is heavier, The world or its people’s hearts?❞ You never expected your life to end up this way, turned upside down by an infamous Gotham villain. It’s been a living hell, every single day, until Dick Grayson brings you to Titans tower where you meet Gar Logan and Jason Todd.

A/N: I’m really excited to post chapter 7 just so you guys know lol This feels kind of like a filler but this is the only one that feels like it I think?? I might try to post chapter 5 this weekend because of that lol I am easily motivated to post more often when I get feedback 😂 The first few chapters take place between season 2 episode 1 and season 2 episode 2. You can add yourself the tag list below, ask me to be tagged, or you can follow my library blog @jasntoddslibrary and turn on notifications if you prefer that!!

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Nightmares are a funny thing. They’re rarely anything realistic once you’re able to be calm enough to think about them. But they always contain some type of fear or traumatic event someone has experienced. Sometimes, it’s not rational or there is some deep hidden meaning behind the nightmare but other times, it’s just from trauma left unhandled. Those nightmares are the worst.

They make you revise the worst times of your life over and over and over like a broken record. No matter what you do, you lose in the nightmare. Years later, you might be happy and healthy but the nightmare comes back and you feel like you’re right back where you were. Trapped in the never-ending agony. Trapped inside a tilt-a-whirl made of panic attacks and broken hearts. And every single night, it’s a living hell.

And that’s where you are now, living your own personal hell with screaming so loud your throat is raw and ragged breaths beg your chest to finally cave in. The flashes of your “foster dad” scar the back of your eyes with every blink, like Freddy Krueger clawing his way to the surface. You might have escaped him physically, but mentally you’re trapped like a bear at a circus. Your hands shake as tears well behind your eyes and as the panic rages through your veins, the anger sets in. And you’re so mad that you’re allowing this piece of shit to haunt you even in your sleep, somewhere you might just feel safe. How are you ever supposed to be safe from him if you can’t even sleep? What if he finds you? What if, somehow, your nightmares are just a sign he’s coming after you? What are you supposed to do then? What if he has powers and that’s why he’s coming to finish you off?

A million what-ifs scramble through your brain as you sit in your bed, the bedside lamp still on. You get out of bed and it’s not even like you’re walking. With every worst-case scenario running through your head at once, you’re just moving through motions to exit your room. You need to make sure he isn’t here, need to make sure everyone here is safe from him, that you’re safe from him.

Your hands go up, right in front of you, slightly outstretched as if waiting for you to run into him. The palms of your hands glow green, ready for any type of attack you might come across in the secure tower while you tiptoe your way out of your room.

“Y/n?” A groggy voice from the right pulls your attention as you were just about to walk down the hallways. You jump and spin quickly, the glow of your hands intensifying in the dim light of the hallway. “It’s me.” Gar defends quickly, putting his hands up. “Gar?” His voice is still groggy but full of fear as he glances between your hands and your face.

You could see him with the dim lights of the hallway and the green glow of your hands but it still didn’t click, not until he said his name. You aren’t sure where your head was but a part of you is scared because of it. You were so lost in a state of fear and urgency to make sure everything was safe, you were blinded. It’s a bit terrifying.

You lets out a breath you didn’t realize you were holding, dropping your hands as the green fades. “Fuck, what’re you doing?” You whisper-yell at him.

Gar takes a few steps towards you. “You were screaming.” He whispers back to you. “I heard you so I came to see if you were okay.”

The walls aren’t thin but Gar is pretty sure your scream could have woken up anyone. It was loud and pained, etched in terror. But, that’s a thing that happens here from time-to-time. Everyone has a habit of occasionally waking up screaming. It’s either childhood trauma haunting them or new trauma from Trigon. Gar figures that’s why no one else got up. They’re conditioned to be used to it.

You watch him carefully as the panic starts to cloud with feelings of regret and guilt. You didn’t realize you had screamed loud enough to wake anyone up. That’s not fair to anyone, to be woken by someone who can’t handle their own shit. And then to be standing out in the middle of a hallway at the crack of dawn with sleep still in their eyes talking about it. You look to the floor, shifting your weight on your feet and chewing on the inside of your cheek.

“Are you….okay?” Gar asks, coming a little closer.

When you fell asleep on him earlier, you looked peaceful. Normally, you kind of always have this look of fear. Your eyes always seem a little distant and you look behind whoever you’re talking to a lot. You don’t make eye contact for longer than a few seconds. But while you slept, you looked at ease and peaceful and calm, like you didn’t need to look over your shoulder anymore but then you shot up out of nowhere. Gar knew it had to have been a nightmare. He reacts the same way when he has one, maybe everyone does but he knows the signs. Wide eyes, ragged breathing, distant but sleep-filled eyes. And now, you’re awake again from a nightmare and it doesn’t sit right with the kind boy with green hair.

You nod. “Y-yeah.” You offer a fake smile. “You, uh, you can go back to bed.”

“Are you going to go back to bed?” Gar asks with a pointed look and he doesn’t want you to be alone. The shadows are a bit more haunting when you’re alone.

“Uh….I mean….eventually.” You answer softly, dropping your head slightly.

“I can stay with you until you fall asleep if you want.” Gar shrugs his shoulders, putting his hands in the pockets of his pajama pants.

You raise a brow at him, not looking pleased with the idea. You don’t want to inconvenience him or seem weak. You’re in a tower full of heroes and you can’t even sleep through the night. The last thing you want is for any of them to see you as the weak link. What happens if you can’t pull it together? Will they just drop you because you’re not strong enough?

“It-it’s okay.” You don’t smile this time, you just keep chewing your lip, pulling your sleeves over your hands, something Gar has been noticing you do.

“What were you doing out here?” Gar asks, his voice kind and not accusing but you shake your head, knowing it sounds ridiculous. “I won’t tell anyone.” He offers and there’s this sweet but subtle smile pulling at his lips.

Jason, a few hours ago, told you to talk to him. He said maybe it would help and the only way he’d know that, is if Gar knows Jason’s baggage, too. Jason doesn’t seem the type to wave the white flag and spill all of his secrets. Maybe Gar just cares about everyone and maybe it will help.

You sigh and cave. “I-I-I was….was just making sure….uh….he wasn’t….here.” You stutter but eventually get everything out and a part of Gar’s heart breaks at hearing it.

You aren’t looking at him, a sense of shame consuming you and Gar is not about to have you feeling bad for worrying that the person who tortured you is seeking you out in the one place you feel safe. It’s not fair and it’s not right. Gar knows whatever you went through was horrible but the fact you’re so worried that the person is in the tower? It’s unfathomable.

Gar starts walking past you, stopping a few steps ahead of you and offering you his hand. “We’ll look together.”

You look at his hand and then up at him with his words and you can feel your nose getting warm while your eyes burn. Your entire face softens and there’s something about the offer that makes you feel like everything in you is being warmed by a fireplace, warmed by a place one can only describe as home. He didn’t think you were crazy or that it was ridiculous or stupid. He just…offered to help.

So, you put your hand in his, following him through the tower.

As you walk, you hold his hand tightly noticing the soft callouses. His grip is tight but in a comforting type of way and he glances at you every few seconds as if making sure you’re okay. You walk from room to room, turning on the lights and verifying there isn’t anyone around before you end up in the comms room with the supercomputer. Gar takes a seat and shows you that everything is still secure and there hasn’t been a break-in. Everyone still needs their fingerprints to get in and the front door is done by facial recognition. According to the logs, no one has been in or out of the tower since nine the night before.

“I’m sorry.” You say quietly, standing to the side of Gar with arms crossed and eyes on the large screen in front of you. “I know this was stupid.”

Gar spins in the chair to face you but your eyes don’t move. “It’s okay, ya know? You’re scared and this is a new place. It’s not stupid.”

“It feels like it though, I-i-i….I see him anytime I close my eyes.” Your voice is so small.

You think maybe you should take Jason’s advice fully. Gar is awake with you anyway and you woke him up. He could have gone back to bed but he walked with you instead, knowing full well there wasn’t an intruder in the tower. It’s like you owe him some type of explanation.

“Foster dad.” You clarify. “He’s originally from Gotham, too, ya know? So him being a complete psychopath kind of tracks.” There’s a sharp bitterness in your voice but you keep your stare off of Gar, afraid that if you can see the look on his face you know he’s giving you, you’ll just shut down and go to bed.

“He just…did that to you?” Gar asks with furrowed brows and pain in his voice.

“Yep, he wanted powers. Some weird thing against Batman and Robin so he used me because ya know, the system doesn’t actually give a fuck about most foster kids.” You grit your teeth, your fists balling in your arms. “Then thought I was concealing my powers from him because he was certain his experiments were working so he’d try to literally beat them out of me.” You shrug a shoulder. “Guess he was right.”

Gar pauses, piecing it together. He was sure you would have tried to use your powers, but you didn’t? “Wait so….you never used your powers around him and—“

“Let him beat me until he thought I was dead?” You ask, just glancing at Gar long enough to see him nod. “Yep. If he knew it worked, he’d have killed me anyway. Letting him think he failed was…” You tilt your head side to side slightly. “Vindicating in a way. I, uh, I know it sounds so stupid but I was desperate to try and get out. Desperate people do stupid things."

“I’m so sorry that happened.” Gar’s eyes are glued to you, hating the idea of living through that.

He was tortured before and it haunts him every single day. He wasn’t even tortured for very long and it’s still hell. You were tortured for a lot longer. He gets your hesitance and your paranoia. He’d be paranoid, too if he were you.

“Yeah….” You sigh. “So, I might have escaped physically but the piece of shit really isn’t leaving my dreams alone, I guess.”

Gar sits on it for a few seconds. While he was kind of this weird experiment in a way, Dr. Caulder knew it would work and it would save him. He never had to fear for his life around him. He feared speaking up and being himself because sometimes the doctor wasn’t very nice. He didn’t really like other people being their own people, not if it contradicted what he believed or wanted. So, he can’t even fathom want horrors haunt your mind even in safety.

“I can check the tower for you every night if you want.” Gar offers. You jerk your head in his direction, surprise etched across every crease of your face. “And uh, if you have a nightmare, you can wake me up. I leave my door unlocked anyway…if it’ll make you feel better.”

“Y-y-you’d do that?”

Gar gains a sheepish smile as he shrugs. “Yeah, of course.”

You will never tell Jason, but maybe he was right about telling Gar. You feel a little better about it and he’s so nice. He’s offering to lose sleep when you have a nightmare which could be every night. You wonder how he’s chosen to be so kind despite whatever he’s been through.

“Thank you.” You look to the ground and then finally look at Gar. “Can you not tell anyone? Please?”

He chuckles softly. “Your secret is safe with me.”

“Thanks, it means a lot.” You suck in a breath. “Well, now that I know my delusions are just delusions, I’m gonna try and get some more sleep.” You give him a genuine smile this time.

“I’ll be up if you need anything.” Gar says, turning back to the computer to exit out of the security system.

“I’m so sorry.” You apologize again. “I didn’t mean to keep you from sleeping or anything.”

“It’s okay.” Gar assures you. “I should be getting up early anyway.”

“Okay.” You nod, offering him a closed and small smile.

It’s six now so Gar’s alarm would be going off in an hour anyway. But, you’re still going to go to bed. He didn’t hear you go to bed the night before and it was pretty late when you woke up from the first nightmare.

“What, uh what time did you go to bed anyway?”

“Uh….” You squint an eye, trying to remember the last time you looked at your phone. “Four? I think?”

“Wow, okay.” Gar’s brows raise quickly as he chuckles softly.

“I-I got talking with Jason last night so…” Your words fall off. “Couldn’t sleep and I ran into him.”

Gar nods slowly, ignoring the tint of a burn in his chest. You talked to Jason but not him? He’s been so nice to you and he feels like you trust him. All you do with Jason is this weird banter thing that Gar is slowly realizing maybe it’s flirting. Not that he’s actively trying to pursue anything because that doesn’t feel right either. But something about you talking to Jason, hurts. He’s always deemed himself a trustworthy person who’s a pretty good listener but you went to probably the worst listener on the face of the planet. He doesn’t really get it and he knows he has not right to assume you would tell him anything. Above everything else, he’s just surprised you got talking to Jason.

“What’d ya talk about?” Gar plays it cool, not digging but just asking.

“Uh….nothing really, I guess.” You lie and it’s at that moment you realize you lie a lot. Not that you intend to, it just feels like an instinct now either to protect yourself or other people. “I mean…not nothing.” You correct yourself. “Some of what happened in a very unserious manner.”

Gar nods his head again and you might be a little dense but you’re not so dense that you missed the way he stiffed in his chair. “Did it help?” He asked.

“Well, I, uh, I felt better after but then I had a nightmare so….not sure how much talking about it really helped.” You scoff as you roll your shoulders.

“Is it because it was unserious?” Gar asks, quoting your direct word.

You shake your head. “Nah, always been better with unserious ways of talking about trauma. When it gets too….emotional I don’t….” You look to the floor, tugging your sleeves over your hands. “I don’t like it very much, like it less than I usually do, I suppose.”

“You can talk to me.” Gar offers, looking back over to you.

“I know.” You smile at him softly, it’s almost a smirk that forms. “Can you get a little snarky and nasty about it?”

“Would it help?” Gar chuckles, his position loosening with the question and the burning sensation in his chest starting to dissipate.

“Yeah, you can’t give that look you do. With the big eyes and sad expression, makes me feel weird.” You scrunch the left side of your mouth upwards.

Gar laughs softly, putting his hands up. “Okay, I’ll try my best.”

“Thanks.” You look around the room and then back to him. “I do like talking to you and hanging around you. You make me feel comfortable here.” You admit and then realize you’re saying way too much. “Okay well, that’s enough for today. I’m actually going to bed.” You smile at him and it almost feels like you should hug him or something but that also feels like it might just get awkward so you opt for a small wave as if that wasn’t just as awkward.

“Sleep well.” Gar laughs softly, matching the wave with burning cheeks.

You finally get some much-needed rest, without a nightmare. It wasn't a lot of sleep by any means but it was a lot more than you’ve gotten in a long time and for the first time, you actually feel well-rested. You aren't sure if it's because you talked with Gar about what happened a little bit or if it's because you knew he was awake and wouldn't let anyone in your room if they tried. Or that he helped you look around the tower for Jerry like two crazy people. Maybe it's a combination of everything but you feel a lot better.

You find yourself walking into the kitchen once you’re fully awake, still dressed in pajamas. Your thing has always been you shouldn't need to get properly dressed if you aren't actively doing something or going somewhere. Why bother dirtying clothes?

When you walk into the kitchen, Gar and Jason are sat on the barstools while Dick is making some type of shake, Rachel is just coming in from the opposite hall. The boys look a little sweaty, devouring their food like they haven’t eaten in days. You assume they’d just gotten done with a training session and, apparently, were too hungry to shower first.

"Good morning." Dick chimes, bits of sarcasm in his words given it just being past noon.

You pause, glaring at him. "You're one of those aren't you?"

"What?" Dick chuckles, confusion in his face.

"Thinking the early bird gets the worm or whatever." Your voice is flat and you might be well-rested and it might be the afternoon, but you’re not a morning person.

Dick shrugs. "It's true."

"But the mouse gets the cheese, my guy." You give him a thumbs up, moving to the seat between Jason and Gar and sitting down. Gar gives you this gentle smile while Jason has this proud smirk pulling at his lips. "What?" You look at Dick who looks somewhere between amused and contentment.

Dick is looking at you with a sense of ease and accomplishment. He thought you’d be more...closed off longer. This is a new place, you’re traumatized and hurt. But, you seem comfortable, using sarcasm with him that isn’t hurtful and plopping down right between the boys whose expressions did not go unnoticed by Dick. Dick feels like he might be doing something really good here.

"Nothing." Dick's face settles with amusement. "Settling okay?"

"Mhm." You hum.

"Since she doesn't shut the fuck up, I'm sure she's fine." Jason states, his voice trying to sound menacing.

Gar and you look to Jason with annoyance. "You have not shut up for a single second I have been here and this is day three. You had no complaints last night." You look away, Dick looking between the two of you with his cup held to his mouth. He doesn’t even wanna know.

"You were whining, I wanted you to shut up and it worked." Jason mumbles and you let out a laugh. What is his issue?

"I don't whine, I complain. There's a difference." You hold your pointer finger up to correct him and Jason cracks a smile, Gar chuckles into his water bottle.

"Same shit." Jason fires back. "You could stop."

You roll your eyes and that's when the idea sparks. Jason isn’t winning this, this is your game to win. "Hey, Dick, question: What's your rule on dating? Ya know in the tower?"

Jason and Gar both stiffen in their seats, you catching it out of the corner of your eyes and it takes everything in you not to burst out laughing or break the stare you have with Dick. Gar is choking on his water and Jason's cheeks are turning red while Dick is stuck looking at all three of you wondering how the hell he got here. The last thing Dick wants to do is discuss this. Of course, he knew there was a chance of something going on, but he kind of assumed it would just happen. He didn’t think he’d get dragged into it, not like this at least.

"She's screwing with you." Rachel says from the other side of Gar. You give Dick a wide smirk, Gar and Jason looking a little displeased, Jason more than Gar who almost looks disappointed.

"Of course she is." Dick lets out a breath, his expression unamused.

"Sorry, you were a necessary casualty in getting Jason to shut up for a few seconds." You hold an apologetic smile.

Jason flirts a lot and in your experience, if you bring up dating out of the blue, it’ll shut someone like Jason up faster than anything because it’s out of left field. He’s caught off guard and it gets his brain going on if there’s something going on. You think it’s funny, you’ve won this bit.

"Well, since you wanted to bring it up..." Dick starts and all four of you suddenly look like you need seatbelts.

"No, not the talk, please." Gar begs with a groan.

Dick grimaces. "No, of course not. I trust you all know about that." Even if you didn’t, Dick isn’t sure he’d be able to give the talk. He’d call Donna and Dawn. They’re the responsible ones.

"Some of us more than others." Jason quips with a smirk.

"Gross." Rachel mutters.

"Dude." Gar looks past you and at Jason, shaking his head at Jason.

"Anyway, uh..." Dick fumbles for words, realizing he never had any intention of this conversation which was his fault given the Titans past of relationship in the tower. "Just make sure everyone is consenting and be safe?"

"You sound so uncertain about that." You raise a brow as your words are slow.

"I don't know how to have this conversation." Dick defends.

"We don't have to." Gar is grimacing in his seat. "We know, safety and consent, got it." It’s not that Gar is a prude, it’s just awkward and he’s not much of a fan of awkward conversations. If it were just him and Dick, it wouldn’t be awkward, but it's everyone.

"Don't bring drama into the training room or while we're out."

"Obviously." Rachel says, already tired of the conversation.

"That won't be a problem." Jason mutters.

You rolls your eyes at him before looking back to Dick. "You're doing great, bud." You give Dick a thumbs up.

"That's it. I don't care, don't do anything.....graphic..."

"God." Gar groans, making you laugh. But, everyone has gathered this look of disgust on their faces with Dick’s choice of words. "Please, stop talking." Gar pleads.

"In a public area of the tower." Dick continues.

All of your faces contort into a grimace, even Jason’s. That is such an odd and specific request. You did not think this is where that joke would go. You didn’t think it’d go anywhere, let alone here.

"I feel like there's a very specific reason you said that and I don't wanna know." You laugh. "I'm sorry, I didn't think he'd decide to have this conversation." You apologize to the room.

"And what did you learn today?" Dick asks, not too happy about feeling like he had to have the talk with the new Titans.

"You want me today something like pick my words more carefully next time but...I think I just learned not bring up interpersonal relations with you in front of other people." You scrunch your nose.

Dick lets out a sigh. "Well, are we clear then?"

"YES." Gar yells, dramatically. "Can we stop now? This is awkward."

"Come on, Gar. Surely this isn't new territory for you." You kick Jason under the counter. "Ow! What the fuck?"

"Shut the fuck up." You snip at him.

"Yeah? And What are you gonna do about it?" Jason looks you up and down.

You narrow your eyes and for a second you think about what you could do. You could give him a burn, something equivalent to a rug burn. But, that’s not right and you’d never actually try to hurt him, not like this. And you can’t punch him because that also seems a bit extreme. He’d probably see it coming anyway, block you, then hit you back.

"That's what I thought." Jason scoffs with a look of pride as he’s won.

You shove him with your hand, Jason falling off of his chair. He hits the floor with a thud, looking at up at you with a twisted face filled of anger and shock. For someone who can't fight and who's injured, you’re ballsy. Jason could fight you right now and you'd basically be defenseless but Jason wouldn't do that. He knows where the lines are when it comes to physical contact and he doesn't cross them. He crosses a lot of lines, but fighting people who can't fight back isn't one of those. So, he's even more pissed about it.

Jason gets back to his feet, closing the distance between him and you. "What the fuck is your problem, huh?" Jason yells in your face, Gar adjusting in his seat, ready to get up at any point and Dick is ready to step in if he needs to.

"You are, apparently. Why do you have to be such a fucking asshole? For no reason? Aren't you friends?"

"He doesn't need you to come to his fucking defense. I was fucking joking." Jason snarls, looking just past you at Gar before looking back at you.

"Right." You mutter. "Except it's obvious the whole conversation has made him uncomfortable so why don't you go cool the fuck off. You obviously need to." You sit straight in your seat, your face close to Jason's and you’re not backing down.

"You shoved me!" Jason flings his arm out in frustration.

"You asked me what I was gonna do about it! So I showed you!" You bark at him. "What are you gonna do about it?"

A dry laugh escapes Jason's throat and he doesn't want to actually fight you, but you’re making it a little tempting right about now. "Is that all you fucking have?" He taunts you instead.

"Wanna test me?" You open your palms, holding them just in front of your shoulders as they glow. Jason looks at the green and he doesn't get how people with powers are so willing to use them. He doesn't need powers. He's got his fists and those are plenty.

"Because you're just another freak, right?"

Gar gets off his seat at that comment, pushing Jason slightly and standing in between you and Jason. "Dude, go calm down. It's not that serious." Gar keeps his voice level, trying to diffuse the situation.

"You a team now, huh?" Jason looks in between you.

"Jason, come on. Cool off for a few minutes." Dick keeps his stance, choosing not to crowd the already heated area.

"Fuck you guys!" Jason yells, pushing past Gar and heading down the right hallway.

Gar sits down again and Dick's position relaxes with Jason out of the room. Gar's just surprised it went as far as it did but it's also Jason. He has buttons and pushing them sometimes leads to blow-ups. Jason is still his friend but sometimes, he really does not make it easy and this is one of those times. He doesn't understand why Rachel and now you are freaks but somehow Gar is never a freak. He has powers, too and as far as he's concerned, turning into a tiger is far more freakish than whatever you have going on. And he always acts like it's your fault, somehow. Rachel was just born like that, no one gets to pick their biological parents. And Gar and you were injected. How is that right? It hurts a little because Gar knows that if they weren't friends, he'd be the target one of Jason's freak rants.

"Is that what everyone meant by I'd get used to Jason?" You ask the room.

"Yeah." Gar answers and Dick nods. "He does that sometimes."

"Interesting." You hum quietly, your hands shaking slightly, Gar taking notice.

"Are you okay?" He asks, looking between your hands and your eyes.

"Oh..." You quickly move your hands under the countertop and tug your sleeves down. "I'm, uh I'm fine." You fake a smile at him.

It's not that you really thought Jason might hit you, him hitting you over a shove didn’t even cross your mind. You don't really know if he's the type that gets mad and hits people, you don't really know him at all. But, you'd think that would have been a warning from someone if that were the case. It was more that you don't like getting yelled at apparently. It wasn’t an issue before Jerry but, now it seems to be another trigger.

"He wouldn't have hurt you." Dick assures you, as if reading your mind.

"Jason doesn't hit people here when he gets mad, just yells a lot." Gar assures you, following Dick's lead.

"I didn't think he'd hit me." You tell them with ease. "Got that throbbing thing in the back of my head when someone's going to." You remind them. "And I just...I'm not scared of him. Guess I just don't like being yelled at when someone is in my face." You look to the counter. "I'm fine, honest."

"Are you sure?" Gar asks.

"Yeah." You give him a soft smile. "Thanks though. I'm gonna eat." You get down and find a bowl in a cabinet, moving around Dick.

"Okay, I'm gonna go check on Jason then, make sure he's cooling down." Dick gives Gar a look and a nod toward you. Gar nods in response while Dick leaves to find Jason.

You make your cereal while Gar watches you. Your hands are still shaking and he feels bad. It's not his fault that Jason blew up because it's Jason. He blows up at everything but Gar could have defended himself. It's nice that you did. He's never had someone defend him like that but it got you yelled at by Jason and after you had, what Gar assumed to be, a pretty nice conversation the night before. He just worries about you.

"Hey," Gar starts as you take your seat back next to him. "Wanna do something today?" Gar asks.

You furrow your brows at him, before taking a bite of your cereal. "Like what?"

"What'd you wanna do?" Gar shrugs, figuring maybe you should be the one to decide. He just wants to hang out with you.

"Mmmm." You hum and think for a second. "Dye my hair." You chuckle softly.

"That's what you wanna do?" Gar asks.

"Mhm." You hums. "Always wanted to and you have green hair, Rachel's hair is purple." You shrug.

You just want a change. This is a big change, being at the tower but that doesn’t have anything to do with your appearance. You like how you look but you want something different. Your mom never let you dye your hair even though you really wanted to. This place, this place allows you to do that and to change something about yourself. It’s a way to take control of something. The way you see it, with all the bruising and swelling, you don’t look much like yourself anyway. Might as well change the hair, too.

"Okay." Gar beams at you. "We can go get whatever dye you want today and I can help. I'm not sure how much help I'll be but maybe we can get Rachel to help if you want." Gar rambles off and he seems so energetic and happy about it.

"Uh..." You stutter. "Okay, yeah that'd be fun. Thank you." The smile you give him is wide and filled of joy.

"What color?"

You tell him your favorite color, beaming at him. "Always thought that hair was cool." You smirk at him.

"We'll go when you're done eating." Gar gets up from his chair. "I'm gonna shower first."

"Have a blast." You grin to yourself, going back to your cereal. "Meet me in my room after?" You look back to him and he nods with a cheery smile before turning on his feet, and quickly heading down the hallway. "He's so cute." You say to yourself, going back to your cereal.

After Gar's shower, he met with you in your room. You were already dressed and ready to go, you even asked Rachel for help when you got back which Rachel was more than happy to help. Once Gar was ready, he was the one that asked Dick for some money before you left and off you went with Rachel, you feeling more comfortable having both Gar and Rachel with you. You realize how great it is that Rachel was willing to help because you never would have gotten something everything you needed.

When you got back, Gar and you met with Rachel in a bathroom. Rachel got everything together and get to work with your hair. You explained to Rachel that you still wanted some of your natural hair color but the majority of it to be dyed. Rachel understood what you were explaining while Gar seemed a little confused.

As Rachel helped with your hair, the three of you got talking about past lives. You all avoided all talk about trauma and tragic backstories and instead talked about your favorite movies and shows, music. If you'd ever been to a concert, the best places you've ever eaten, random stories about family and friends you had before everything. And while these conversations are going on, there's warmth and comfort that consumes you.

This is the longest you’ve gone without thinking about how your face looks or how your body is sore or Jerry. It's just the three of you and you feel so at home because Gar and Rachel make it so easy. And you wonder if this is what real friendship feels like.

Sure, you had friends before your mom died. But that was then and this is now. You had a small circle of friends but only one that you really relied on and could tell anything to. But then your mom died and it all got so messy and heavy. You couldn't inconvenience even your best friend with your problems over it. Your best friend never really understood the person you started to become after. Vengeful and spiteful and angry. And desperate and cold and detached. It struck like a hurricane right through your friendship.

You couldn't handle anything and you were always running from CPS. What kind of friend would you be if you endangered your best friend's mom by getting in trouble with CPS? You knew it was only a matter of time before they threatened to take your best friend away if they didn't give you up. At least, that's how you always saw it. It was always such a big fear and you couldn't put them through that, on the chance it did happen so you just left one day and never came back. But you weren't a very good friend then either.

You had all these plans of hunting down the Joker and even though you'd probably die, too, hunting him down would have made it worth it to you. To look him in the eyes and just try to hit him or shoot him, if you had a gun anyway. You knew you would never make it out alive and that was something you deemed to be okay because you didn't have anything worth living for anymore. Your dad went off to choose drugs over you, your mom died, your best friend not knowing how to handle anything. A suicide mission seemed like a pretty sweet deal at the time. But, now you’re here with Gar and Rachel, in this bathroom getting the hair you’ve wanted to try and maybe you have more worth living for.

"Okay, what do you think?" Rachel asks, shutting the blow-dryer off, proud of the dye job she's done.

You look in the mirror and your face lights up. Stripes of the color consume the majority of your head and you could not be happier in this moment. "I love it!" You squeal before turning around. "Thank you!" You hug Rachel quickly before turning back around and there's a sweet and amused smile on Gar's face.

"It looks really good on you." Gar's smile turns shy as you look to him.

"Y-you think so?" You asks, your stomach swirling with his words.

Gar nods. "Yeah, I like the color." Gar’s smile is the softest thing in the world.

"How cute." Rachel giggles before cutting it short as Gar looks at her with wide eyes. "It looks good, yeah." Rachel agrees.

"Thank you." You look at yourself again and you’ve never had this hair before, but it makes you feel more like yourself. It's probably the self-expression it's allowing you to have but you really like it. "And hey, now people will have something else to look at that's not my face." You laugh softly.

"You're face looks good, too." Gar says so quickly, you and Rachel barely catch it, but you do and you both look at him with raised brows. Rachel looks in between you and Gar, waiting for something to happen. This is the most entertainment she's had since they got to San Francisco. "I mean..." Gar stutters. "The, uh, the bruises and stuff, they're healing."

"Mhm." You hum with burning cheeks. "Thank you, Gar."

Gar feels the embarrassment wanting to eat him alive. He can't believe he said that out loud. Now Rachel is looking at him with knowing eyes and he can't help it. Sometimes, things just come out and then he feels like he has to backtrack and now he's embarrassed even though you didn't seem bothered by it. Which then makes him think he didn't need to add in the last comment about the bruises. Surely, you know he didn't mean just the bruises are looking fine now and the meant your whole face but now he doesn't know and he has got to get his brain to shut up for five seconds.

"There you are." Dick says, looking into the bathroom, the door wide open.

"Yes?" Rachel asks.

"Training room." Dick says.

Gar checks the time on his phone, seeing they were in fact late for their last training session. Shopping with you took a little longer than expected since you stopped for food and were having fun together. Then dying your hair took a while but Dick doesn't seem mad about it.

The three of you follow Dick to the training room where Jason is already waiting, as if he hadn't left the room since this morning. You sit on a bench and watch as you’re not allowed to train yet. Dick mostly supervises after giving them some instructions on what to do and then gives pointers. You mostly watch Gar and Jason.

It's interesting watching them. Jason is clearly the aggressor. You can't tell if it's all his pent-up aggression or if it's just his experience as Robin that makes him the aggressor but you find it interesting nonetheless. Gar and Rachel seem to work together to go against Jason even though they're all supposed to be working against each other. Gar works more on a defensive tactic, going for Jason after Jason comes for him or while Rachel has him distracted and that's when Gar gets a hit it. They're being trained by the same person but they fight differently and it seems to match their personalities.

Dick walks over to you as the other three continue to spar. "Like the new hair." Dick compliments you.

"Thanks, Rachel did it for me." You beam up at him.

"Feeling more comfortable?"

"Yeah..." You sigh. "I give you shit 'cause it's fun but I think I'm gonna like it here. Thank you again for taking me in." You say candidly. You make a mental note to thank him regularly for it.

It warms Dick's heart to know his efforts mean something. He just wants to be the mentor he wishes Bruce was and he just wants to help. It seems to be working, with you and Rachel and Gar, jury is still out on Jason. But Dick knows Jason will not be an overnight success.

"Good, I'm glad." Dick offers you a smile before walking back to where he previously was.

The rest of the training session goes by, Gar and Rachel going to you when they had a water break and talking. Jason opted to be by himself, Gar noticing the concern on your face and assuring you that he'll be calm and be over it the next day. But it doesn't quite sit right for you. You don't want him mad at you, you do like to mess with him in a fun banter way, not him being pissed at you.

You like to push people's buttons but you’re not too fond of people being actively mad at you. If there's a line you aren't supposed to cross, all someone has to do is tell you and you'll respect the line. You aren't about making people unnecessarily uncomfortable or mad. But you nod along with Gar anyway and eventually training ends. You stay behind with Jason, Gar hovers a little more than he would given the events of the afternoon but he does eventually leave the two of you alone.

"So, you gonna stay mad at me forever?" You ask as you walk over to Jason who's seated on a bench, getting a drink and ignoring you. "Come on," You groan. "Can you not handle a shove from me?"

Jason glares up at you. "Just shut up." He groans.

"Nope." You sit next to him, your leg touching his. "I'm sorry I shoved you." Jason's brows furrow at you and he doesn't think anyone has apologized to him since he's been here, for anything. "Honest, I should have left it alone but I provoked you further than I should have." You are sorry for it. Sure, Jason owes you an apology, too but you can apologize first.

"Sorry for what I said." Jason mumbles, swallowing his pride.

He never wants to hurt someone's feelings, not really. In the moment, absolutely but then after he feels horrible about it. He hates when other people make him feel weak. You shoving him from his seat, it made him feel weak and he hates it. It’s how he’s felt his entire life. Weak. So, when he feels weak or when someone pushes the wrong bottom, he just starts talking and going off. It just flows out of his mouth before he can even think about it. It's not an excuse, he just can't help it and he is sorry.

"To you and Gar." Jason lets out a sigh.

The corner of your smile pulls up. "I forgive you."

Jason glances at you and he can’t stay mad at you. Normally, he’s very good at holding grudges. He still has a grudge against a kid who pushed him down a slide when he was seven. He’s very good at holding grudges but you’ve got this smirk that says you’re up to no good and this look in your eyes that sends this electricity through his blood. He can’t explain it but he can’t stay mad at you.

"Did you still wanna train tonight when everyone goes to bed?" Jason turns his head towards you, twitching his brows up and the grin starts pull at his lips.

"If you're still willing."

"Someone's gotta show you how to do more than fucking shove someone." Jason scoffs but a smile pulls at his lips as he chuckles softly.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, got powers now and never had issues on the streets, okay? People happen to like my quick wit and quips.” You lightly nudge him with your shoulder.

"Yeah," Jason chortles. "That's why no one fucked with you.” Jason nods his head and lightly nudges you back, not believing you.

"I'd like to think so, yes.” You hold your head up with pride and Jason has this genuinely kind smile on his face. “What time, boss?”

Jason shakes his head. “Midnight. Everyone is usually in their rooms or asleep.”

“Okay, I'll meet you here then." You smirk at him as you get up and lick your lips. He knows deep down he doesn't have a shot with you but his stomach burns with the thought of you. You get under his skin like no one else and he hates to admit it but he really likes it.

"Don't be late." Jason quips, his voice taunting.

You shake your head, turning around to face him again. “Shut the fuck up.” You laugh softly. “I’ll meet you here at midnight, on the dot.” You widen your eyes, mocking him before exiting the room.

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Tag list: @fairyofshampoo // @italiana-20 // @jasontoddsmentaldisorders // @purplerose291 // @lovelessamai // @makaelaseresin // @lenidaslenchen // @thatfangirl42

#gar logan #jason todd #gar logan x reader #garfield logan x reader #jason todd x reader #gar logan fanfic #gar logan fanfiction #jason todd fanfic #jason todd fanfiction #titans #titans fanfic #titans fanfiction #caving in

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svechnikovvv · 1 year

Text

not alone

pairing: trevor zegras x fem!reader

warnings: profanity, trauma dumping?

summary: you’ve always felt like you’re the one to take care of people and you hated it. but what if there was someone to finally take care of you for a change?

a/n: a little self-indulging because yours truly has an ear infection & has been bed-ridden, so kind of a pick-me-up post. also, you’re all worthy of love, never forget that <3

masterlist: here

i’ve been in bed all day, sick with something. so what better way to make myself feel better than to watch sappy romcoms. the hating game happened to be said romcom for today. i got to the part where josh was taking care of a sick lucy when i started to sob.

“i want someone to take care of me when i’m sick.” i continue to sob as i watch the movie and i hear my bedroom door open. i peek my head out from the blanket cocoon i’ve made for myself and i see trevor standing in the doorway with a questioning look on his face. i then pause the movie and he makes his way to sit on the edge of the bed beside me.

he takes in my appearance and pouts. he sweeps the stray hairs out of my face and looks around the room.

“what’s going on? hm?”

“so much, trev”

“i’m all ears,” he moves to sit beside me

“i feel like i’m on death’s doorstep right now. and this movie i’m watching makes me realize how alone i am.”

“hey, you’re not alone”

“yes i am, trevor. whenever i’m sick like this, who’s there to take care of me? myself. i don’t have loving parents to ring up and ask for sick remedies. my dad & i have a rocky relationship. i mean, once i left for college, he pretty much stopped talking to me. i don’t have a mom, so that’s out of the equation.

“i’ve always had to just be there for myself and it’s so tiring after a while. for once i just want someone to take care of me. i always take care of everyone else. i’m so tired, trev. and i’ve been bed-ridden all day with a sore throat, headache and stuffy nose. so that makes it even better.”

trevor pulls me into his arms after i poured out my heart to him, rubbing his hand up and down my back.

“you said you want someone to take care of you? let me be that person, yeah?” i nod against his chest and after i’ve calmed down, he starts to get up.

“where are you going?”

“i’m gonna pick up all these tissues, then you’re gonna take a shower while i go to the store and pick up some medicine and stuff to make you some soup, and then we’re gonna watch a christmas movie and bake christmas cookies.” i nod and he flashes me a smile.

“i care about you, y/n. so much.” he starts to pick up the snotty tissues by my trash can that my awful aim missed, and gags at every single one. it feels almost domestic watching him swiftly move around cleaning up after me and taking care of me.

when he’s done, he places his hands on his hips and looks at my now clean floor. he nods then walks over to my dresser, grabbing a pair of sweats from the top drawer (he’s stayed over a lot, so he knows where they’re at), then opens another drawer and pulls out a random t-shirt, then he peels off the hoodie he’s wearing and adds it to the mix.

“alright missy, here’s your change of clothes. go shower and clean up and i’ll go to the store and try to be as quick as i can.” he places a kiss on my forehead, then placing the clothes on the edge of my bed and heading towards the door.

“trev?” he turns around and looks at me

“thank you. so much.” he nods

“don’t ever thank me for doing something i want to do.” and with that, he’s out the door. i grab the clothes he set out for me and take them with me to the bathroom.

once i finished showering, clad in the outfit trevor picked out, i head back to bed. although the steam from the shower did help to slightly clear my nose, i still felt absolutely awful.

about ten minutes later, i hear the front door open.

“y/n, i’m back!” i get out of bed, and walk to the kitchen. trevor is standing by the counter, back facing me, chopping up vegetables to put in the soup (i’m assuming it’s a soup of some sort). i walk behind him and wrap my arms around his torso, resting my head on his back. he puts the knife down and turns around, pulling me to his chest.

“you’re warm,” he softly laughs

“am i your personal heater now?” i nod against his chest and he rests his head on mine, rubbing a hand up and down my back.

“i hate that my girl’s not feeling well.” my heart rate picks up at him calling me his girl and i hope he can’t feel it.

“well, i’m in good hands now.”

“that you are. now, i have to get back to making your get-better soup.” he releases me from the hug and goes back to cutting the vegetables. i then hop up on the counter and trevor stops me.

“uh uh. go back to bed and relax.”

“but i wanna be with you, trev.”

“nope. told you i was taking care of you so go back to bed and put on a movie that ISN’T sad.” my heart warms at his words and i nod, heading back to bed. listening to trevor, i put on a happy movie—elf—and snuggle into the covers. fifteen minutes pass and trevor knocks on the door before coming in.

he has a tray with the bowl of soup on it and he places it on my desk. i sit up and he comes over to my side, fluffing the pillows behind me. he then grabs the tray and places it on my lap.

“this is mom’s recipe, so all compliments go to her.” i take a spoonful of the soup and gently blow on it, then eating it. i hum at the taste.

“oh my god, trevor. this is amazing. your mom needs a raise.”

“i told you it was good. she used to make this for griffin, ava and i whenever we came down with something and it never failed to make us feel better.” i continue to eat the soup while trevor and i watch elf. when i’m done though, he takes the tray and sets it back on the desk.

“now that you’ve eaten, medicine time.” i groan and hide under the covers while trevor laughs. he comes back as quick as he leaves and he pulls the covers off of me.

“come on, y/n. just a quick one two, down the hatch, and you’re done.” i huff out a sigh and take the measuring cup from him. i toss the liquid down my throat and gag at the taste.

“see, you did it. you lived”

“no i didn’t. you’re just talking to my ghost right now.” he nods

“i see. well, i guess since you’re a ghost, you don’t need me anymore.” he goes to get up but i grab his sleeve.

“no no, i take it back. stay. please” he pretends to think about it before he shrugs his shoulders.

“i guess i’ll stay” he sets the little measuring cup on the tray and slides his shoes off, making himself comfortable beside me. he then opens his arms.

“c’mere” i scoot closer to him to the point that i’m in his arms. we watch the movie as he runs one of his hands through my hair.

“i’m so sorry you’re feeling like this. if there was a way i could take it all away and make you feel better, i’d do it.”

“trev, it’s probably just some cold. i’m not dying. even though i do feel like it.” he chuckles

“i know, i know. but i hate seeing you sick,” he takes a pause. “y/n, can i tell you something?”

“of course”

“i like you. like, not in a friend way like you. but romantically.”

“why in the world would you like me?”

“why wouldn’t i? y/n, there’s so much to like about you. you always manage to cheer someone up whenever they’re not they’re best. you’re the sweetest person to walk the face of the earth. you’ve been through so much, yet you’re still here today. you make everyone laugh. the list just goes on,” he pauses. “will you be my girlfriend?”

“of course i will. i can’t imagine being with anyone else.” he smiles down at me and places a kiss on my head.

“now, what do you say in a few we make christmas cookies & listen to christmas music?”

“i would say that i love that idea and we should definitely do it… after this movie.”

“whatever you want, babe”

tags: @goldenbrokenheart @woodruff-edwards

a/n: hi, sorry this is short ): kinda a filler. i have better things coming soon though (;

#trevor zegras x reader #trevor zegras #nhl hockey #nhl #anaheim ducks

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bitimdrake · 1 year

Note

Do you have fic recs by any chance? You really seem to have a lot of comics knowledge so I trust that you know what’s accurate to the source material and what’s not :)

you know I've gotten a few asks about this and I never quite manage to answer them, because I'm always convinced that I will somehow end up with a perfect and complete rec list if only I wait to reply just a little longer.

SO I'm gonna try cutting myself off at the head this time, and not giving you a prefect list by any means, but at least giving you an answer:

Here is a collection that I'm slowly forming for fics that really feel like they're actually based off comics. It is currently very small and people are welcome to bookmark to it if they find other very comics-based fics, but it's a start.

And a couple random recs as I scroll through my personal bookmarks:

Redrawing the Lines (11k) is fantastic Batman Reborn era Dick & Tim & Damian fic, and it continues as a series after.

also the second before the other shoe drops (8k) about the same trio. AU where Damian makes a murder attempt in a subtler way--but most important, is not demonized by a narrative that instead gives everyone a fair shake.

will we ever get to the other side? (5k) Dick & Tim in a very specific era where Dick's life is falling apart and filled with trauma, and Tim has just been hit with a huge smack of grief and also trauma, and neither is at their best but they're trying.

Everything by @silverwhittlingknife is ideal Dick & Tim content, and all deeply rooted in comics. I will call out:

The Return (11k), which is Dick's pov of Tim coming back to Gotham after Brucequest

only you will have stars that can laugh (9k) which is sad and loney but also sweet on Christmas

Red Letter Day (42k, wip) in which god Dick is trying his fucking best to hold it together okay. (aka everyone is kind of prickly, Dick is stressed, there's a Mysterious Wednesday of unclear importance, and I love them sm)

@flybynightwing has equally comics-based and also absolutely fascinating and compelling fics. I'll call out:

How Far Love Goes (99k) a case fic that draws in everyone in the bat family, with a tilt towards Dick (although the Steph is also fantastic), and turns into a reflection on Bruce as a parent.

goal-oriented mindset (5k) Catalina's pov, meeting Dick again well after everything went down. Subject may not be for you, but I find it SO interesting and roll it around and around in my head. (And it is of the very very rare selection of actually comics-based fics about that arc.)

It's a Wonderful Earth-218 (7k). A thoroughly depressed Dick goes to a world where he was never born, it's a wonderful life-style.

(And carrying on with various authors again:)

Hate and Love are Two Sides of the Same Coin (5k + 13k sequel) every member of his family is forced to say what they like least about Dick. The fic makes no secret of its thoroughly contrived premise and doesn't particularly care to justify it either, but still comes out with great characterization and relationship reflections.

Mikey Dies At The End (4k), outsider pov centered around Jason as the Red Hood, which is so very confident in its characterization of him and has zero considerations given to fanon and it's an excellent read.

A Meditation on Railroading (24k), a Tim-centric fic that deals heavily with his relationship with his dad. This one is not really canon at all, but it is good, and its version of the relationship is compelling.

Young Justice Visit the Suez Canal (3k) look this one is pure 90s-style Young Justice humor. We're here for a good time.

Aaand I know there are many more good fics, but I have run out of steam and I am trying so so hard to remember that some answer is better than no answer. Though I am very sorry to all my beloved writers & mutuals who have written excellent comics fic.

Anyway final tip is when you find an author who knows what they're talking about, go through all their fics, and then go through all their bookmarks.

#*#ask #anon #*dc #dc #fic recs #also a tip: just exclude 'dick is a bad brother'#ignore anything that says damian is inherently evil and bad #and know that 'bruce wayne is a good parent' is lmao so fanon but you should still enjoy it if you want to

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putnamcapital · 7 months

Text

Deep dive wondering about Sara's backstory (CW: drug / alcohol abuse) (Part 2)

CW Drug & Alcohol abuse by a parent

This is part 2 of a post about trying to figure out Sara's motivations and actions and how they are influenced by being raised in a home with a drug/alcohol dependent parent. Feedback / thoughts very much welcome.

Watching: Frida Argento is an incredible actor, and people often talk about how expressive she is with her eyes. This is partly her, and partly her character: Sara sees EVERYTHING. There are numerous points in the story line where it is literally only us, the viewer, and Sara, who know everything. She sees August upload the video, she sees Stella’s crush on Fredrika, she sees Wille hold Simon’s little finger in the movie theatre, she sees through Simon’s smile the morning after when they’re waiting for class to start. The only thing she doesn’t know in the gun scene at the end of S2 is that Simon gave August the drugs to sell. I could go on. She is -literally- the eyes on this world. And she says almost nothing, until she decides to confront someone (i.e. asking Stella about her crush / asking Simon why he didn’t sleep at home). This is a kind of vigilance you learn when your home is unstable and unpredictable. You learn to watch everyone for clues as to What Is Really Going On Here, so that you might have some hope of anticipating when all hell will break loose. People with drug and alcohol problems are sober a lot of the time, and they might even have various modes of being drunk or high. You learn to put a lot of store in feeling you might be able to predict when the mood will change. If you’re a kid, trying to read these signs gives you a feeling of power in a situation where you are utterly powerless. Everything - the way someone’s lips narrow, a clench of the jaw, the music they’re playing, anything - it becomes a possible sign of the atmosphere being about the change for the worse. Vigilance becomes a way of trying to experience safety. And for Sara, the fact that she does see so much ends up giving her a trump card - the ability to turn August in - in other words, the power she never had at home to finally do something about the bad actor.

Attachment: Sara was bullied at Marieberg. She knows she’s different, and she believes people don’t like her. When Felice does allow her into this secret garden called friendship, she is elated, but also insecure. For example, she gets worried when Felice and Wille become closer in S2, and asks Felice to reassure her about whether they are ‘besties’ still, and Felice says, oh you silly goose, a person can have more than one bestie. But for Sara, the love she shares with others feels intrinsically insecure and conditional: as in, people love her because of a certain tacit deal they’ve struck. This is why she is not just angry when Felice condones selling Rousseau - she is far deeply hurt, it is a betrayal of the highest order, she says she doesn’t even know who Felice is really. It all suggests a world where Sara didn’t experience love as unconditional - instead it was transactional. It’s the kind of backwards-emotional-math that kids can do to try to explain a situation that hurts but is the only thing you know — Dad is drunk again today, it must be something I did wrong; Dad is not drunk today, it must be something I did right; if Dad is drunk he’s not really him and he can’t love me as a parent; ergo, my behavior is the token that gets exchanged back and forth between us that can turn love on or off. Love is never there all the time, it can be withheld based on conduct, and people can be so radically not themselves that it makes the love they profess fake.

Her relationship with August: I think Sara unconsciously falls for August because he is a copy of her father, and she is using him to work out the trauma and disempowerment of growing up with Micke. August is a better version of Micke and, even better, one Sara believes she can control and help. As an additional extra-credit, it turns out he really loves her - in his fucked up way - which is more than Sara believes about her own father. Like Micke, August is drug-dependent. But unlike Micke, he seems to be successful and, until she gets to know him, he seems to have his shit together. It seems like he is powerful: after all, he gets her what she wants - a place at Manor House. Sara is initially uncomfortable about the pills - she confronts August about it. But then August assures her that it’s “only when he needs to perform” and that’s probably all she dreamt of hearing from her father when she was a child. August is the fairy tale prince: an addict who in fact has it under control, an addict who can actually love her. And unlike her father, he is an addict she can help (overcoming a lifetime of powerlessness for her). In fact, the thing that actually kickstarts their relationship is her getting off (literally) on the high of being able to help August when he was having a panic attack. Then, when everything goes overboard, she explains her actions in the way she learned at home: she says she was in love, and she didn’t really know what she was doing, she was not in her right mind … she was, in other words, … drunk / high … but on love. And this explanation is somehow a mitigation for her actions. She can’t be blamed for something she can’t control - which most addicts believe at some point.

#sara eriksson #simon eriksson #young royals #young royals analysis #micke eriksson #alcohol abuse #substance abuse

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callmepuppysworld · 1 year

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Colby and Sam x ghost child reader

( this is not based on any hauntings they have gone to, more like a comfort fic ?)

(this is was not meant to ‘make fun’ of ghosts or anything like that)

(Please don’t hate crime me for this, I only made this so could comfort myself for my own trauma)

(I’m sorry but I did take inspiration from Sam and Colby video called “Our Haunted Night at Villisca Axe Murder House (SLOVED)” but taking inspiration from this I did not mean to make a joke to what happened to this poor girl, I do think this was an amazing video but if you have any sexual trauma I do not recommend this video)

(Also, I have 0 experience with writing about supernatural things sorry!)

(PS look up Potoo it’s a real bird and I love them OMG )

TW: abuse, ghosts (?), sexual assault, murder, death,

You had been the child killer by a mas murder years ago, you had died when you were 12 and had stayed 9 for the last 10 year.

Where you died had turned into a “top 10 haunted’ places to visit for people who want a good scare, honestly you hatted it, all those people sticking their noise in yours and your family death, talking about how it was tragic what had happened to you.

They always asked the same questions

“Do you remember who killed you?”

“Can you give us a sign your sill here?”

“Did you dad kill you?”

You hatted the last question the most, your dad was always so kind he would always give you lots of gifts and hugs, sometimes he went away for work for a month though, you hatted it when he went away you always missed him so much.

Sometimes they even pretended you answered, or touched there back, that annoyed you the most it was like they new you were there but didn’t care about being real about it.

They always asked what type of person your mother was too, the was an annoying question.

Because no matter how many times you said ‘mean ‘or ‘ loud ‘ into the box that lets you speak they always ask the question again. Your mother wasn’t the worst, not by a long shot but she would always been yelling at you for one reason or another, she was also cruel so would ignore you for days on end. But you still loved her, she was your mother after all.

After 5 years of people asking the same boring questions, you stopped answering as much and people stopped coming as much, it was boring, you almost missed seeing people.

People did still come around sometimes to see were the horrific murder happened, but they didn’t normally ask questions to you, sometimes you did like to pull on their shirt a little catching them of grade and scaring them a little but only if they were there a while you were still a little shy of new people.

One afternoon you saw the grounds keeper walking around making sure everything was clean enough, he normally did this whenever there would be people coming over, but no one normally comes this late is was almost getting dark. You watched and followed the grounds keeper go around the house sweeping and dusting some shelves a well as kill a big scary spider, the big spider scared you a lot it had so many legs and eyes.

The grounds keeper stopped sweeping when he heard a nock at the door, he put down the broom and walked over to the door, you didn’t want to follow him, so you stayed looking at the broom.

It was big, around the same height as you and was colourful, you have seen the broom before, but you always like to play with it when you got the chance.

You divided too slightly push the broom and watched it move a little, slightly tipping this made you very happy, you always loved whenever you could do things that affected the world around you.

You did it again but this time a little too much force and it fell over making a big noise, you jumped back in surprise and ran into the other room where the kitchen was.

pov change idk(?)

Sam and Colby were standing at the door talking with the grounds keeper when they heard something fall over and small footsteps running to the kitchen

“Oh my! Did you all hear that?” Sam questioned pointing the camera at Colby and Amanda.

“That must be one of our quieter spirits, (Your name). there is a bit shy not talking to many” the ground keeper said walking inside to the living room seeing the coloured broom knocked over

“Were you just using this?” Colby asked picking it up and putting it up right again to show the camera that it didn’t wall by accident

“Yeah, I just finished sweeping “the gate keeper said stepping back a little

“Is there any windows or drafts around here?” Amanda asked trying to open the windows or see if it was slightly open

“Nah, the windows don’t open, never have pulse we don’t have not A/C “The ground keeper sighed wanting to get on with the tore

“In this room was where most of the family fighter took place, the neighbours apparently called the police around 5 times before they stopped and moved out leaving the house across the street empty for nearly 2 years “The ground keeper said facing the camera that was painted in his direction

“So did the fights often get aggressive? Or was it more of a noise complaining?” Colby asked walking around the table

“Oh, hey would get violent and just the screaming at each other and the threats of violence was enough for the police to get called, but apparently the wife was always the first to get violent, throwing plates and glasses around and at her husband” the ground keeper said looking at Colby

“Was the little girl ever removed? “Sam stepped in

“No, she’s still here “Amanda cut in looking to the kitchen

“I saw her peek her head out, almost seeing if the coast was clear to leave the kitchen” Amanda explained pointing to the kitchen door

“Your correct, the kid was never taken out of the custody. But there was no evidence of abuse towards the child so the police said there was no way she could be placed into a safer house “the grounds keeper explained sightly shocked that Amanda said what she did

No one didn’t anything but slightly nod their head signalling that they understood him.

The grounds keeper walked into the kitchen as he began to speak again

“This kitchen is one of the most active houses in the house other than the small cubed in (your names) room and the hallway. There was blood all over the kitchen floor, the police suspect- “

“Oh my god” Sam said touching the back of his neck

“What?” Amanda asked concerned for her friend

“I just felt a bot breath on my neck, and it freaked me out sorry” Sam apologised the grounds keeper

“As I was saying, the police suspect that the murder who ever they are killed the parents and walked down starts with the bloody knife that the murder used and walked into the kitchen where he ripped all the plates and glasses done and smashed them on the floor for whatever reason he had. Then went back upstairs and killer the girl” The grounds keeper said leaving out the horrible suspicion the police had about what also happened the kid after she died.

Amanda frowned, her eyebrows knitting together not understanding why a murder would come down stairs before killing the younger child, but chose not to say anything.

( Honestly time skip bc bored and I want to get to the investigation part so for the back story, your mother was killed by someone stabbing her in the chest 15 times and taking her eyes out and your dad as killed by someone cutting his neck, you were killed by your neck being cut and your wrists, and you were undressed and put into a sexual positions )

Once the ground keeper gave Sam and Colby the keys, he left leaving Amanda and the group alone.

“Ok, so this place defiantly had more than one spirits. I feel something dark are dangerous. Now that could be the parents or possibly the murder “Amanda said walking into the small powder room that came of from the living room looking at the small sink toilet and slightly cracked mirror.

“I thought there was only supposed to be one spirit here... the parent?” Sam questioned

“The only spirit reported here was the parents, but I saw the girl, she’s shy thought, I haven’t seen her since the broom got nocked over” Amanda said closing the door to the powder room

Sam nodes his head in agreement,

“Guys!” Colby shouts from upstairs making Sam start running up the stairs

“What?!” Sam yelled half up the stairs worrying something bad happened

Once Sam reached the room the relied on it was the parents’ room

“What?” Sam asked again looking at Colby

“The window is open “Colby whispered not talking his eyes of the windows

‘I thought the grounds keeper said they couldn’t open and never could “Sam questioned

‘He did” Amanda said coming out of no wear making the boys flinch from the shock

“This is the parents, right?” Amanda asked earning a nod from Sam

Colby finally looked away and said, “I was just setting up the music box at the front of the room, we were going to start here, right?” Colby questioned

“Yeah, that’s what I was thinking in the car up here” Sam said

“It’s still going to be a while until dark and I think we should do the parents room, then the living room, then the kids’ room so it will be late when we get to hers and she’ll feel more comfortable hopefully” Amanda commented

“Yeah, that sounds good” Sam said sitting on the bed and pulling out the EFM reader

“Ok, if any spirits want to communicate to us we have objects you can touch, we also give you full perdition to drain the battery from our phones if you need energy to talk to us” Colby says when they finish setting up all the cameras and lights

There is no response so Sam tries to talk

“If you are here I would greatly appreciate if you could give a clear sign by knocking the walls or touching one of our devi- “Sam stopped when he heard a loud nock on the walls

Looking at the camera with a shocked expression

“That was the cleared knock we’ve ever caught!” Colby says not believing that the camera got that

“If there is a spirit here, can you place touch one of these devises in the doorway?” Amanda asked

A few seconds latter the music box started going of and both Sam and Colby yelling in excitement

“Are you one or both of the parents of (your name)?” Colby asked

The spirit box chimed in with a

‘Possibly’

Making all the 3 of the group freak out

“That was so perfect! Oh My God! I can’t even believe! “Colby says

“No one’s going to believe that! It was to perfect!” Sam sighs rolling his eyes knowing how some people are on YouTube.

After around 40 minutes of trying to get the spirt(s) so communicate and getting nothing they divided to bring out the old estes metho, it was voted that Sam would be the receiver and they began.

Sam began putting on the make blindfold and got the headphones handed to him, already hearing the incredibly loud static noises. One he put the earphones Amanda pulled out a note book and turning to a new page.

“If there are any spirts here that want to communicate, please do so now “ Amanda said clicking her pen ready to start writing and nodding to Colby as if signalling him to start.

“Is there anyone open to speaking to us?” Colby asked

A small ‘ apparently’ can be headed from Sam’s headphones before he repeats the word

“Ok, are you the farther? “ Amanda askes

Waiting a few seconds before asking again

“Are you the father-“

“Me” Sam says cutting Amanda of making Colby gasp slightly looking at Amanda.

“Ok so your name is (your dads name) correct?” Colby askes

“You already know” Sam repeats

Colby is now smiling like a mad man now with the amazing relates they are now getting

“This is like a convocation!” Colby says to Amanda

Witch she only nods her head to

“What is a type of bird you know? “Amanda asks to make show the soon to be audience that Sam cant hear them asking the questions

“Why” Sam quested

“What is a type of bird you know? “Amanda asks again

The question is followed by a minute if complete silence with nothing to empty static to be headed

Finally Sam replies a answer

“Potoo” Sam says confused

Colby looked at Amanda to see if it was a real bird to be met with a nod

“Ok... How did you die? “Colby questioned

“Kinfe” Sam repeated slightly confused not understanding why he was repeating the strangest words

“OHMYGOD” Colby yells jumping to get the camera and show the now flashing bathroom light attached to the bedroom

“That’s turning on and off” Colby says to the camera pointing to the bathroom

“Need” Sam repeats

Amanda writes into her note book

“What do you need?” She askes trying to get more information

Colby puts the camera back as he sits down again

“Alive” Sam says

“Alive? You’re not alive your dead, how can you be alive?” Colby questions

“Power”

“Power? Is that how you can feel alive?” Amanda questioned

“Hopefully”

“So, you don’t know ye- “Amanda asks

“Pray” Sam cuts of Amanda without realizing

“Do you want us to pray? Why?” Colby askes

“No protection” Sam says confused

Colby takes his cross necklace out from under his shirt

“I am protected so are all my friends here because we have God on our side, you may not harm any of us” Colby says in a dominate manner to make the spirit realize and understand that they are untouchable

“Lie’s “Sam repeats

“No were not lying, God will protect us. And you will not harm any of us “Amanda says visualises a light bubble going over all 3 of them for protection

“Um …kill yourself” Sam mumbles not feeling comfortable with saying that to anyone

Colby is frowning

“Are a evil spirt?” Colby askes

“Take a guess” Sam repeats

Amanda turns to Colby and says “ I don’t like this and I think we should stop and move to a different room “

Colby stands up and taps Sam’s shoulder singling him to take of the headphones off where you can hear a small

“See soon “coming from the headphones

“Oh, shit that gave me full body shivers, did any of that make scenes?” Sam askes

“It made perfect sense it was like having a convocation. it was so clear!” Amanda replies

“I think we should take a small break before going into the living room and talk about what all of that could have meant, I wrote all questions we asked and what you said back” Amanda said holding up her notebook

“That sounds great, we should also get something to eat” Colby suggests

“Yes! I’m so hungry, that session took a lot out of me for some reason “

Amanda hums in agreement

(What is this ? yet another time skip. Yes )

Once they finished the living room it was around 2am and they hadn’t got much evidence in the living room other than a few words from the spirit box like ‘ evil’ , ‘ leave’ and ‘glass’,

Evonne had existed to go into the last room hoping that there was lots of activity.

Once they had set up everything, there was a music box in the door and in the closet,

The spirt box was out and set up and they all stood in the middle of the room wanting to sit on the bed

“So this was (Your names) bedroom, supposably the most haunted place in the room, but around 5 years ago it went quit and not many people have been able to contact her.

(Your name) was the last one to be killed in this crime scene...” Sam swallowed a pit that was beginning to form in his throat

Colby noticed this and took over explaining,

“When (your name) was killed they were undressed and put into a sexual position, the police suspect that the person responsible for this crime may have h-handled her… sexually” Colby breathed gesturing to the bed

“Were talking about a 9-year-old girl here, A child” Colby said sternly feeling disgusted and angry

“She’s here now” Amanda said looking down the hall

“Hi (your name) my name is Amanda and I’m a medium meaning I can see you, this is Sam and Colby there good friends, you don’t have to be shy, I’ve seen you all night quietly following us, why don’t you come in so we can talk? “ Amanda suggested

“We have this cute Boo bear for you to play with” Amanda says holding up and putting it back on the end of the bed

Amanda looked for a second before you diapered again

“I cant see her anymore” Amanda says keeping the boys in the loop.

It didn’t take long for the music box in the middle of the door frame to go of signalling someone standing there,

‘Sound ‘ The spirit box when of making Sam gasp

“Yeah! Yes that’s called a music box and it dose make sound” Sam says existed

The second music box went of the one in the closet,

It kept going to sighingly that someone was in the closet

‘off...?’ The spirit box says quietly almost questioning

“Do you want us to turn the music box of? If so, can you please turn on the flashlight near you?” Colby questions

It took a minute but the flashlight turned on making the boys and Amanda smile

“Thank you so much” Sam phrases you as he went up to move the box just enough, so it stopped picking you up in the ratter

“If your (Your name) can you please turn of-“ Amanda starts talking but stops when she noticed the light slowly turning of

“Thank you so much (You name), Do you think you can use the Spirit box to talk to us ?” Colby asked

There isn’t a response that they could hear so they asked the first question

“ (Your name) do you remember who killed you?” Amanda starts of strong

Amanda had to repeat the question one more time before you answered

‘hurt’ the box said

“Do you remember being hurt? “Sam tried

‘All time’ the box said

Colby took a shaking breath “I’m sorry that you feel hurt” He attempts to comfort you

It was quite for a bit.

They asked a couple more questions that you didn’t really answer

“Ok so (your name) doesn’t seem too happy to answer questions so we-“

‘can you say that again’ the boo bear went of

Colby gasps

“That means she said something” He whispers

“Can you say that into the spirit box? “ Amanda asked

After a few minuets after science they decided to keep talking

“Ok, so were going to start the estes method now, and I think its only far for Colby to be the receiver this time “ Sam smiles looking at Colby handing him the blind fold

After they got set up Colby sat on the floor not wanting to sit on the bed

‘Brr I’m so cold’ the Boo bear said singling a temp change

“Ok, (Your name) if you would like to communicate with us please use the spirit box and Colby will repeat it to us “ Amanda said trying to make you feel more comfortable to speak to them

‘ that tickles’ the Boo bear laughs making Sam gasp

“That means something touched its stomach”

Colby smiled as he put the blindfold and headphones on

“Hey (your name) do you like the Boo bear?” Amanda questioned

“extremely” Colby repeated

“That’s good it’s very cute isn’t it ?” Amanda smiled

“Do you remember who ki-“ Sam started

“ All the same” Colby repeated

“What is all the same? “ Amanda asked

“you” Colby said

“How are we the same?” Sam asked

“Hind”

Sam looked behind him into the pitch black hallway to see a shadow do down stairs making me shout in surprise “ Fuck!”

“What?” Amanda asked flinching from the volume of Sam’s voice

“I just, I just saw a shadow figure go downstairs after (Your name) told us to hide” Sam said standing up and putting his back to a wall rubbing his hand over his mouth

“That was the clearest one I have ever seen that freaked the fuck out “

“food” Colby says

“Food? Like are they in the kitchen ?” Amanda asked

“Are we safe now?” Sam askes

“Hopefully “Colby replies

“Ok.. Do you remember who killed you?” Sam asked

“close” Colby said

“Was it someone who was close to you?” Amanda askes

“yeah”

“Ok, were they a friend?” Sam asked

“Pray” Colby said

“Pray? Like do you want us to pray?” Amanda Asked

“No please” Same repeated

“Ok, so was it a someone who worked in a church?” Amanda asked

“positively “Colby said

“Ok… I’m sorry that happened to you” Sam said

“Is there anything we can do to help you move on?” Amanda asked

Sent from Mail for Windows

#colby brock imagine #fanfic #x reader #comfort #abuse victim #sad #angst #sam and colby #xplr club #paranormal #ghosts

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bluejaysandblackbats · 4 days

Text

Hair Trigger

Fandom: DC Comics, Batfam, Superfam, YJ98

Summary: A junior at Gotham University, Jason finds it difficult to conceal his worsening mental health from his family and his friend, Jon Lane Kent. Family secrets are revealed and boundaries are pushed as Jason and Laney struggle to navigate through school, their romantic feelings, and their trauma. Could the reintroduction of Laney Kent be more trouble than it's worth, or is it just what Jason needed to confront the demons of his past?

I will also do trigger warnings for chapters and if there is smut I have the chapter(s) tagged so you don't have to worry about nsfw in the fic if you're just here for the story itself.

Chapters: 5/?

Characters: Jason Todd, Jonathan Lane Kent, Bruce Wayne, Clark Kent, Lois Lane, Cassandra Cain, Tim Drake, Conner Kent, Natalia Knight, Jonathan Samuel Kent, Cassie Sandsmark, Chris Kent, Bart Allen, Original Character(s)

Relationships: JayLaney, Clois, TimKon

Additional Tags: University AU, No Powers AU, Sharing A Bed, Romance, Angst

Chapter Five: Image

Clark hesitated a while before knocking on the door. Laney answered the door and turned to go back to cooking dinner without so much as a greeting. "Where's your roommate?" Clark asked as he shut and locked the door behind him.

"She's out of town for the weekend. Where's your stuff?" Laney asked as he washed his hands and checked on the food in the oven.

"It's in the car. I just wanted to make sure you were okay with me staying this weekend?" Clark asked. Laney nodded. "I'm gonna go get my things then, and I'll be right back..."

"Okay... Dad, do you want onion on your burger or no?" Laney asked.

"Onion is fine, thank you," Clark replied as he walked out the door and went back downstairs. He carried his clothes for the weekend in a duffle bag and his air mattress under his arm.

This time, Clark took the elevator instead of the stairs. He opened the door with one hand, and Laney came back over to take the air mattress and set it aside. "How do you like your classes? I remember you said you changed your major," Clark asked.

"I like it... I'm a music therapy major now, by the way," Laney answered as he took the food out of the oven and made Clark's plate. "What're you working on? Anything I should know about?" Laney asked. Clark placed his phone on the counter.

"I interviewed an influencer in Bludhaven," Clark replied, "And we talked about the future of marketing, which used to be your major."

"Yeah? Send me the link when you post it... It sounds interesting," Laney whispered as he poured Clark a glass of milk and poured himself a drink. "Here you go, Dad."

"Thank you," Clark smiled as he bit into his burger. Laney started to eat and took a sip of gin. "You drink?"

"Mhm, not on school nights, though..." Laney replied after taking another sip. "Also, I figured that we would eat before talking about anything serious."

Clark took a sip of his milk. "Oh, no, I wasn't judging you. I was just making an observation," Clark replied, "What's your roommate like?"

"She's a sweet kid. She's a freshman, never lived away from home before, theatre major, and she's a genuinely kind person to be around. It's like having a cool little sister around," Laney answered as he went back to eating, "And don't worry, I'm being nice to her. How're the boys?"

"They're doing good... Chris tries not to show it, but he misses you a lot," Clark confessed, "He won't let anyone move anything on your side of the room."

"I'll talk to him soon," Laney whispered, "I miss him too." They continued to eat in silence for a while, and Laney finished his drink.

"Laney, I can't do this... I just wanna know what happened? I wanna fix things—."

Laney got up and poured himself another glass. "Can I ask you a question first? When you sent me away, why couldn't you just say you loved me back?" Laney asked. He leaned in, tapping his nails on the counter. He took a swig of his second drink.

"Because if I said it, I never would've been able to send you away. All I wanted to do was take it back," Clark whispered, "Lane... What happened?"

"I had no one to hold onto, Dad," Laney started to cry, "And the boys there... They weren't kind to my weakness. I wasn't even there a whole week before they started in on me... And yeah, I probably had it coming to me after all the mean things I'd done in my life, but this was so different." Clark reached for Laney's hand, and Laney recoiled violently. Laney poured a little more gin into his glass. "And my counselor... He was the only one at that school who I could talk to. So, I did, almost every day of those two years... And that's why you couldn't find me on the last day of school..."

"I don't understand," Clark murmured. Laney shook his head.

"No, no... You don't get why that day was so bad for me. I let him take me off-campus. He said he wanted to take me to live with him, and I wanted to go.

We got about an hour away from the school, and we passed by this field, and as much as I wanted to leave with him, I started crying... I told him that I was sorry. He took me back to a restaurant right outside the school and told me to go inside and call the school, and when I got out of the car, he drove off, and I never saw him again," Laney explained as he finished his drink and Clark grabbed the bottle before Laney could pour himself another glass.

"Laney, look at me," Clark pleaded with him, "Laney—."

"It's okay if you hate me for trying to replace you. I want you to be mad at me for it—."

"Why would—?"

"I didn't know what else to do! I lost my best friend, I lost you, and all I wanted was someone to say it back," Laney's voice broke, "I just wanted somebody to care."

He jumped as soon as he felt himself being grabbed and embraced, and Laney couldn't move until he heard his father's voice whispering, "I care... I love you, Laney. I love you, and I'm sorry." Laney wrapped his arms around his father, and as soon as Laney regained his composure, he let go.

"I thought I wanted to be mad..." Laney stepped away from the counter and sat on the couch. He let out a few shaky breaths.

"Can I put the gin away now?" Clark asked innocently, and Laney let out a shaky laugh and nodded.

"You can put it back... So, you're not mad at me? You're not gonna say what I did was crazy and irresponsible and that I could've gotten killed?" Laney asked. Clark pushed up his glasses.

"Laney, I'm just happy that we got you back... Do you remember what you were like when we went to that restaurant to come and pick you up?" Clark asked. Laney shook his head. "You looked like you hadn't slept in days. You were shaky, out of it... You kept telling us you'd give anything just to go home and go to bed. You wouldn't say anything else. You slept on the couch in the living room for weeks."

"It took everything in me not to punch Conner in the face for saying I was scared to sleep in my own bed," Laney chuckled.

"I'm glad that you didn't do that," Clark smiled, and he got up to wash his hands, "You're so much like your mother."

"Stubborn?" Laney asked.

"Driven," Clark replied. Laney went to wash his hands in the bathroom, and he dried his hands on the towel.

Laney turned on the tv, and Clark washed the dishes. "Dad, you don't have to—."

"But I'd like to just this once," Clark interrupted. Laney nodded. Clark's phone rang. "That's your mom."

Laney put the phone on speaker. "Hi, Mom..." Laney answered.

"I just wanted to call to see if your father got in alright... And the boys wanted to say goodnight," Lois whispered.

"Hi, Sammy! Hi, Chris!" Laney exclaimed. The boys both spoke at once in a jumble of words that Laney couldn't quite make out.

"You're not mad?" Sammy asked.

"No, I'm not mad. How was your field trip?" Laney asked.

"It was good. We went to the exploratorium," Sammy answered, and he went on to tell Laney about what he did there.

Then Chris mentioned something about missing Laney, and Laney smiled to himself. "I miss you too," Laney whispered.

"We're making pizza for dinner. Did you eat already?" Lois asked.

"Mhm, Laney made burgers," Clark answered, "Oh, and boys make sure to start your homework and chores before Sunday." Chris and Sammy groaned. Clark dried the dishes and put them away in the cupboards.

"Loving the enthusiasm," Lois joked, and she sent the boys back to the kitchen before she asked if things were going alright.

"We're okay," Laney whispered. Lois made a humming noise.

"Good. I love both of you," Lois whispered.

"Love you too, Mom," Laney replied.

"I love you, Lois," Clark replied, and they hung up. Gus came out of Laney's bedroom and stood by Laney's feet.

"Oh, hello, handsome. Dad, this is Gus Gus. Gus Gus, this is Dad," Laney introduced them. Clark followed Laney and Gus to the couch. Laney rested his legs on Clark's lap as he watched tv.

"You still watch The Wonder Years?" Clark asked, and Laney nodded.

"It's kind of what I imagine you were like as a kid," Laney replied.

"Huh," Clark nodded, "That's fair."

They didn't say much as they continued watching tv, and Clark looked over to say something at Laney, and Laney lay fast asleep with his mouth open. "Laney? Lane, wake up." Laney started to snore. He moved Laney's legs and picked up Gus, and moved him to the side. "Laney?" Clark asked a little bit louder, and still, Laney didn't stir. So, Clark picked him up and carried him to bed while his mattress blew up in the living room. He pulled the blankets over Laney and was startled by Laney grabbing his face, still half asleep and pressing a kiss to his cheek.

"You're going already?" Laney whimpered. Clark chuckled, realizing that Laney was a little bit drunk, and he let out a breath. "Don't go. Not yet," Laney wiped a few tears away with his sleeve. "I don't wanna stay here by myself," Laney mumbled as he cried.

"I'm not going anywhere. I'm just getting ready to go to bed. I'll be here when you get up," Clark reassured him, "I promised I'd be here the whole weekend, remember?"

Laney turned over on his side, and with his eyes still closed, Laney uttered, "I remember... But I wish you could stay longer," in a half-broken whisper. Clark smiled and pushed Laney's hair back.

"Goodnight, Laney," Clark whispered, and he closed Laney's door on his way out. He unpacked his duffle bag and grabbed took some of his things to the bathroom.

After he took his shower, he looked around for where Laney kept his extra blankets. He found a comforter in a bin in the coat closet and placed it on the mattress. He left the tv on for a little while before taking his glasses off and going to bed.

Clark woke up a few hours around two in the morning to a loud thud. "Fuck," Laney winced, and he opened the door and stumbled to the bathroom in the dark. He came out of the bathroom a minute later, and he stopped in his tracks. "Hiya, Dad," he greeted him casually before going back to bed. Clark turned over on his back and chuckled to himself.

The rest of the night was calm, even for Laney, who couldn't recall the last time he slept so peacefully. He didn't awaken again until eight that morning to the smell of breakfast. He stepped out of his room, and Clark greeted him. "Good morning, how're you feeling?" Clark asked.

"I don't remember going to bed," Laney yawned.

"I carried you to bed," Clark answered as he flipped their pancakes.

"Well, that's embarrassing..." Laney went to the bathroom to brush his teeth, and he came back just as Clark finished making his plate.

"Did you mean what you said about wishing I could stay longer?" Clark asked.

Laney dug into his breakfast and shrugged, "I kind of remember that... Hey, Dad? I really am glad that you came this weekend. I know I wanted to leave things alone, but it means a lot to me that you cared enough to come and spend the weekend with me." Clark took a sip of orange juice.

"It's because I love you. I really do, Laney," Clark answered.

"I love you too, Dad," Laney whispered as he picked over his apples.

Clark reached across the counter and nudged his hand. "Eat your apples," Clark instructed gently. Laney laughed.

"Can I have another sausage?" Laney asked.

"Finish some of your apples, and we'll talk," Clark replied.

Laney ate his pancakes with the apples. "Are you gonna tell Mom about the stuff I said?" he asked, his mouth half full.

"Do you want me to?" Clark asked. "She doesn't tell me about what you two talk about in therapy." Laney furrowed his brows. "You didn't know that?"

"I dunno. I figured Mom told you everything. I don't expect either of you to keep secrets from each other on my behalf... I don't talk about you there. I mostly just talk about my nightmares and the fact that I try to bury my feelings out of fear," Laney admitted, "And you can tell Mom what I said. I'll probably bring it up in therapy anyway."

Clark pushed his glasses up and finished his breakfast. "You have nightmares still?" Clark asked.

"Mhm, it's nothing that I can really put into words. I just know that some of them are caused by sleep apnea... And before you say it, Mom is already trying to force me to get a CPAP machine. It's not that bad—."

"Laney, I just heard you say you don't really need to breathe while you sleep—."

"Oh, Dad, come on. You know that's not what I said," Laney replied as he went back to eating. Clark took a deep breath.

"Sorry, but I'd feel a lot better if I knew you were doing something about that," Clark replied. Laney put his fork down and started eating his apples with his fingers. "Laney, are you telling me that you go to therapy for sleep apnea?"

"Of course not! I go to therapy because I compartmentalize," Laney snapped, "I started feeling like I had to be completely different people at school, at home, at work, just to survive. I can't date, I can't ask for help outside of therapy... I feel like I'm just waiting until the next party so that I can self-destruct... And I called Mom, telling her that I wanted to die on New Year's Eve last year, and she picked me up from the pier." Laney swallowed hard. Clark put his fork down.

"Jonathan... I didn't know—."

"Yeah, well, I'm working through it... It's not as bad as it was before, but I still struggle," Laney whispered, "I thought you knew that much, at least."

"I didn't know any of it. Laney, if you think that I don't think your feelings are important—."

"That's not the problem. It's the fact that I remember how it felt to be able to tell you this stuff, and now I feel like I want to tell you when I don't feel good," Laney coughed into his elbow, "But I feel like I don't deserve it anymore."

"Don't deserve what?" Clark asked.

"I don't deserve to talk to you about things," Laney replied, "And I know Mom tries, but she and I are so much alike that I feel like talking to her is the same as talking to myself."

"Laney, I love talking to you kids. I like knowing what's going on. Even in Conner's life, and let me tell you, sometimes I wish there were things that he would keep to himself," Clark joked, and Laney let out a little laugh. "And I'd pick arguing with you over whatever we've been doing for the past couple of years. I missed being able to go beyond just small talk with you.

I like knowing that you hate the space that's grown between us just as much as I do... And if you want me to do all the work and ask all the questions, I'll do that. Okay?" Laney forced his tears back and nodded, and Clark got up and embraced him just as he did the night before. Laney shut his eyes and let out a sigh as he let his father hold him.

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