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sweatervest-obsessed · 9 months

Text

Home Is Where The Heart Is

Pairing: Steve Harrington x afab!reader

W/C: ~7.2k

TW: 18+ MDNI, smut Teehee. Face riding, oral (both m and f receiving), foul foul language, mentions of depression, smoking weed, impulsive decisions, self-deprecating thoughts, self-image issues, upset Robin Buckley, mentions of the Upside Down, scars, boobs, mentions of trauma

Notes: Yall, this one got away from me but I’m not mad about how it came out at all. She’s not edited but I sure as hell enjoyed writing her. I really wanted to write a reader who isn’t afraid to sass Steve since so much of the fan fic I see is a headstrong woman becoming some shy girl when she likes Steve, and as someone who literally bullies the people she loves, well…anywho. First time writing for Steve, second time writing and posting fan fic, and first time writing smut. Constructive criticism and comments are HIGHLY appreciated since I’ve rediscovered my addiction to writing. I really hope y’all enjoy it!!!

GIF not mine

Steve Harrington was so over everything in his fucking life. He was sick of shitbag father. He was sick of his emotionless mother. He was sick of going to work every day, sick of Hawkins, sick of Indiana, sick of his life.

He was over it—truly.

Eyeing himself up and down and up again, Steve stood in front of his bathroom mirror, critiquing every inch of his body: his scrawny arms, his too skinny shoulders, the bags under his eyes, the scars along his abdomen, even his hair felt flat and volumeless. Steve was just over himself.

Which is why he almost didn’t feel bad when he drove up to Indianapolis to take a train to New York City, and told no one. He did leave a note in case his parents showed up at home, but the chances of that were slim to none. He knew it stupid of him not to tell anyone where he was going, and he knew that he was going to get the scolding of his lifetime from his friends when he eventually called them from New York, but for now he simply just wanted to enjoy the peace and quiet that the train had brought him.

He had brought his walkman with a cassette that was made for him a while ago. Currently, Head Over Heels by Tears for Fears played in his ears as the city pulled into view. He had only been there a couple of times before, but each time the sheer volume of it seemed almost overwhelming at first. It was so different from Hawkins, from Indiana as a whole really, which is why he loved coming to visit so much. He knew that since it was a week before the end of the school year for college kids, he would be back in Hawkins eventually, but truthfully, he just wanted a week or two with you all to himself.

So imagine his surprise when you were actually in your apartment, and not in the library a block away, where he had assumed you’d be. He waited patiently in the lobby, watching the elevator doors, hoping that the next time it opened, it would be you. And it’s true, the third time really is the charm, since you walked out of the elevator in an oversized yellow sweatshirt (that may or may not have been Steve’s), and the sleep shorts you had owned for the past couple years, declaring they were your favorite.

Your eyes lit up at the sight of him, shock and pure joy sprang across your face as your pace immediately picked up. The slippers you decided to wear down to the lobby were more or less halfway off your feet by the time you threw yourself into Steve’s arms.

Steve dropped the duffel bag he had hastily packed next to his feet and wrapped his arms around you, as tightly as possible.

“Hiya sweet girl.” He whispered into your hair, kissing your head softly. “Did ya miss me?”

You snorted into his chest. “That’s a stupid fucking question Steven, we both know you’re smarter than that…fishing for validation I see.” You pulled away and placed a hand on his cheek, the smile never leaving your face.

“Of course I missed you.” You whispered to him, as if it was a secret only meant for him to hear. “Why don’t we head upstairs, yeah? I can show you the billions of boxes I’ve acquired from moving in.”

Steve kissed your forehead before letting go of you to grab the duffel bag that was now on the ground. You moved towards the desk, and filled out the visitor log on the counter before taking Steve’s hand and bringing him towards the elevator. He squeezed your hand lightly and rubbed his thumb back and forth.

“I forgot that fancy miss NYU needed an elevator to get alllllll the way up to her new fancy apartment.” You had been extremely lucky. Your grades and work ethic both in high school, and in your first two years of college had paid off in scholarships and work studies, meaning that you barely even paid for your education. But this past semester, for the next consecutive school year, you had won a housing scholarship, which meant you got to move into the brand new apartment style dorms for upperclassmen for almost nothing a month.

“Oh please Steve.” You rolled your eyes and scoffed playfully. “It’s an elevator that barely works, and I’m only on the twelfth floor. One of the girls I was telling you about, Jenna? She lives on the twentieth floor. It’s fucking hell when the elevator stops working.”

The elevator door opened, and a couple other students came out, passing the both of you. Steve watches as you smile and say hi to them.

“They’re my neighbors.” You explain and you push the button to your floor, and the doors close.

As soon as they do, Steve’s lips are on yours. Your back hits the elevator wall as his knee slotted between your legs. You hummed softly as your arms snaked around his neck, one hair finding a way into his hair, fingers pulling gently on it.

“I missed you too Handsome” You sighed as Steve slowly started to kiss up your jaw. You tugged on his hair again, and he let out what could only be described a one stop short of a whine.

The elevator dinged, and he moved away from you, grabbing your hand.

“Lead the way, gorgeous.”

Steve would follow you to the ends of the earth. Hell he’s followed you to hell, and back again. He’s watched the very hand he’s holding swing an ax and chop off the head of demon dogs that had taken over Hawkins. He’s seen you rip apart a demobat with your bare hands simply because it looked at him. He’s watched you comfort the kids countless times, holding them when they needed more than just words. He’s watched you try to drink and smoke away the nightmares the two of you shared for years. But he’ll gladly settle for following down the carpeted hallway, stained with things he will never want to know about, towards her apartment.

It was just you, which means the entire apartment was pretty bare. The walls only had a few things hanging up on them, and you didn’t even have a couch yet. There were boxes everywhere, but not as many considering you had little to nothing that you brought to New York. But, it made Steve happy to see your personality shining through, despite the vicious nature of your high school experience.

You took his bag from his hand and pointed towards the phone.

“How’d you know?”

“Well, Baby, don’t take this the wrong way, but while you’re never one to run away from those you care about, you are absolutely one to run away from your feelings.”

Steve rolled his eyes and started to protest, but you just gave him a quick kiss to silence anything he might have to say.

“Besides, I’d rather you call Robin and deal with her antics, then have her calling me and screaming in my ear for something I didn’t know about. Call her.”

You kissed the side of his head before leaving the bedroom, to go to the bathroom, decidedly getting ready for bed now, even though it was barely 5 pm since you knew doing your nightly routine once Steve was here was barely going to happen.

Steve had watched you leave before picking up the phone and dialing Robin’s house. It didn’t even ring twice before it was answered.

“Hello?”

“Hey Rob–”

“Steven Harrington I am going to DROWN you. What the fuck Steve we have been so worried about you, especially when you didn’t show up to drive Dustin and Lucas and Max to school, and then didn’t show up for work two days in a row. I mean Steve, you were missing for over twenty-four hours! Your car wasn’t at your house and we could hear the phone ringing in your house when one of us would call—Eddie even went and led a mini search party around Lover’s Lake. Steve we thought, we….”

Steve pinched his nose while listening to Robin, letting her ramble before she tapered off. “Robs I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to worry anybody but I just need to be alone and just…”

“Where even are you Steve?”

“....I’m uh, I’m…in New York.”

“WHAT. Steve you’ve got to be fucking kidding me, that like, an eighteen hour train ride, let alone–”

“Rob–”

“The drive up to Indianapolis. I mean Steve we thought you died and instead you were just going on a long distance booty call? Are you fucking insane? Do you know how many people get kidnapped on trains–”

“Robin–”

“Why couldn’t you have just told us where you were going? It’s not that hard top pick up a phone I mean literally exhibit A right now–”

“Robin! Look, I'm sorry. I know what I did was kind of fucked but I just…It’s not a long distance booty call, you know that. I just needed to not be in Hawkins. I needed to be near her…” He could hear her roll her eyes.

“Look Steve, I get it. I miss her too. But you couldn’t have waited another like, two weeks like the rest of us?”

Just then, you walked back into the room; face washed and teeth brushed. You smiled and kissed his check.

“No Robs. I couldn’t. I’ll see you in two weeks, or something.”

“Ste–” He hung up the phone and turned to face his girlfriend.

“How pissed is she?” You asked, turning to face him, watching him take a few breaths. Steve moved towards the windows, and opened one of them up.

“Extremely, but they’ll all be fine.”

“When’s the last time you slept Steve?” You walked over and wrapped your arms around his waist, kissing the spot in between his shoulder blades. He let out a grunt of disapproval, but didn’t move since he enjoyed the feeling of your lips on his back. He breathed in the city air, and it was by no means the fresh air Hawkins used to once have, but it was different and that’s all that matters.

“Do you still have any of the rolls Eddie gave you during Spring Break?” He muttered before turning around and holding you in his arms, kissing your head.

“Oh so you only came up here to get free drugs?”

Steve chuckled and shook his head. “No baby, that’s not–”

“To answer your question, yes I do. But I have some stuff from the guy who lives a couple floors up, and you cannot tell Eddie but it’s ten times better.”

“You sneaky sneaky girl. Can’t believe the city turned you into such a deviant. Valedictorian of her high school class turned into a big city pothead. What would your mother say?” He fake scolded, giving you one of the looks he frequently gave to Dustin or any of the other kids when they did something even remotely out of the rhetorical line Steve had created.

“If you want any, you could’ve said so Stevie.”

The nickname made his heart flutter a little bit. “That’s not what I said.”

“Yeah well now you owe me for calling me a delinquent.”

“Actually it was deviant so now I know you don't even listen to m–” You cut him off by kissing his lips, except the smile on your face was too bright to give him a full kiss.

“Do you want the goods or not Harrington…”

Steve nodded and kissed your head one more time. “Yes please.”

You pulled away from him, much to his dismay, but he watched as you went under your bed. Almost your entire body was completely under the bed, and he heard you moving a couple of things around.

“Are you trying to get back to the Upside Down under there?” He joked as you pull yourself out from under the bed, a ziplock bag containing a couple of blunts in your hand. “Ha ha. Very funny. Hold this handsome.”

“Aye aye Captain.” He gave you a mock salute and took the bag from your hand while you got to work. You grabbed the towel off of the back of your door, rolled it up, and shoved it against the bottom of the door before standing up, pulling a lighter off of your desk.

“Okay gorgeous, get that sexy ass of yours out on the fire escape.”

“Yes ma’am” Steve smiled at you before he clambered onto the fire escape. It was these moments he so desperately craved with you. If he could sit on a fire escape and watch the sunset with you every single night, he would go back to the Upside Down and fight Vecna all over again just to have this moment with you. He sat down against the railing, and let his legs dangle off the side. It seems they weren’t the only ones with this idea, but Steve sure as hell didn’t mind once your thigh was against his. The warmth of the sun mixed with the warmth of your body was more than enough to quell whatever had been going on in his mind. Once he noticed you were staring at him, a light blush tinged his cheeks.

“What.” He grumbled, looking down through the grate at the people below.

“Oh nothing, just observing my very handsome boyfriend, and trying to figure out what was clouding his head so badly that he literally dropped everything and disappeared for twenty four hours because he needed to be near me.”

“What are you getting at lady.” he grumbled, pulling one of the joints, and carefully closing it back up before he chucked it back into your room. He reached behind him and almost closed your window all the way, just enough to squeeze some fingers under to get back inside. He placed the joint in his mouth, and turned to you. You flicked the lighter on, the flame reflecting in both of your eyes before you lit the end of it.

Steve took a deep drag. He let it fill his lungs. He needed it to push away all of those doubts from before. After a moment, he slowly exhaled and handed you the joint, still looking forward. The view was really something, considering the fact that if he stared directly across, it was into some elderly woman’s apartment with at least three different cats. But if he turned and looked down the rest of the street, he could see so much more of the city than he ever thought he would be able to.

You looked at him, taking your own slow inhale of the joint. You placed it on the ashtray near the window and took his hand in yours.

“Want to tell me what’s running through that pretty head of hair?”

Steve scoffed before looking down at you. Your eyes were swimming, drowning really, in worry. You kept looking over all of his face before settling back on his eyes. “Steve…” Your voice had gotten softer, and you rubbed your thumb against his hand. “I need you to tell me why you’re here. I promise I’m not mad. I’m actually super relieved that you’re here, if I’m being so truthfully honest Steve. But I know you–I’m actually quite proud of how well I know considering you’re basically a brick wall—sorry. I’m rambling. But the main point is that you just up and left Hawkins. You traveled halfway across the country for me, and I am so flattered but baby, what’s going on?”

Steve kissed your hand, before reaching back and grabbing the joint. He took another hit of it, enjoying the ambiance of the city surrounding him.

“Baby please talk to me.”

He placed the joint back in the ashtray before placing his hand on your thigh. The sun was getting closer to the horizon, and the temperature was slowly starting to cool, but just enough to make it bearable. If he looked at you, he might just break.

But you weren’t having any of it. You took your free hand and gently guided his chin, subtly forcing him to look at you.

“Steve. I need you to tell me what’s going on or I can’t help.”

“Maybe it’s nothing you can fix.” He rasped out, taking in a gasp of breath. The tears quickly started to build up behind his lash line. And he tried so hard to keep them at bay. He didn’t need to cry in front of you, he didn’t want to cry in front of you. “Fuck. Sorry.” He quickly wiped at his eyes a couple of times, desperately trying to keep it together in front of you.

You quickly grabbed both of his hands and pulled them away from his face. “Try me baby. At least give me the chance to try and help with whatever is going on.”

Steve bit his lip and looked away from you. “It’s so stupid. Fuck. It’s so fucking stupid. I just had this moment.” He started, “I had this moment yesterday and I was in the bathroom and I was just looking. I could see every single fucking thing wrong with me. It’s like I was making some sick fucking list or some shit. And-And I needed to get out so badly. I couldn’t stay in that house. That stupid house. I needed to leave Hawkins. If I stayed I–” He stopped himself, tears rolling down his cheeks, he finally looked at you. Steve took a couple of breaths before finally continuing. Her felt himself focusing on the way your thumb rubbed across his cheek, despite the light stubble adorning his chin. He looked at your eyes, which were patiently waiting for him to continue. “I needed you. And I just couldn’t wait two weeks for some three day visit where I was barely going to get maybe three hours alone with you. I just–Fuck.” He placed his hands on your wrists, turning his head and kissing the palm of your hand. “I’m sorry.”

“I’m still not sure what you're sorry about Steve.” You smiled sweetly at him, saccharine in every single way possible. He didn’t understand what he had done in the world to possibly deserve someone like you, but he was sure as hell not about to let you go. How could you just sit there and listen to him, and love him so sweetly, when he was so fucked up, inside and out. His body was marred with reminders of everything they had been through. His mind was thoroughly fucked up, and he quite literally runs away from himself and his friends and–

“Steve.”

His eyes refocused on you.

“Why don’t we go inside and lie down. I have a gut feeling you haven’t slept in at least twenty-four hours.” You had managed to kneel next to him, and still kept a hand on his cheek. Your thumb was wiping away any stray tears left over. Your other hand was slowly rubbing your thumb across his thigh, it could not have been the most comfortable of positions but somehow you made it look like it was nothing.

Steve shook his head. “No, no. I’m fine I promise, shit.” He turned away from you, getting up.

“Steven, I am not doing this right now. You ran away from your house, and traveled halfway across the country to come see me. You haven’t slept in a couple of days, clearly. I’m done being the kind loving girlfriend because that's not working. I need you to climb back through that window and change into whatever you need to for sleeping because you are not okay right now, and I’d rather be a little bitchy just to get you in my bed, then sit here while you pull away from the one person you came to see.”

Steve pursed his lips and looked over at you. “You’re not gonna stop until you get me in your bed are you?” his joke only landed slightly flat as you huffed at him, the ghost of a smile on your face.

“Move it or lose it Harrington.”

He nodded and leaned down to grab the ashtray for you, but you had beat him to it. “You’re getting slow, old man.”

Steve rolled his eyes before opening up the window back into your room, and climbing through it. You followed him through, placing the ashtray on your dresser. You turned around to close the window and the curtains, while Steve just sat on the bed and watch you.

“I know you’re staring at me creep.”

“Can’t help it. Sorry.”

You huffed at his antics before turning around and making your way towards him. You found yourself between his legs, arms wrapped around his neck, hands playing with the edges of his hair. “Steve you are far from perfect–”

“Gee thanks.” He gave you a weird look, but you continued anyway.

“But, you are not some fucked up…thing, that can’t be fixed. In fact, you’re not some toy or whatever that is supposed to be fixed. You’re not a shattered figurine in your moms stupid little china cabinet or a bent golf club in your dad’s honestly weirdly large putter collection. You are just someone trying their best to get by and it is enough. Being fixed means there is this ideal of perfect that you have to be, but there is not stupid goal that you need to always be at Steve. You are absolutely amazing the way you are. You are braver than anyone I’ve ever met. You are sometimes too kind for your own good, constantly giving and giving to others when you have nothing else to give but parts of yourself. And you are one of the most selfless people on this earth. You have sacrificed so much Steve, and that doesn’t make you any less, or make you this broken…thing. It just means that you have lived a life that most people couldn’t even imagine, and you are still more than enough for the people who love and care about you.”

Steve kissed you.

And it was enough.

“I love you.” He muttered against your lips, pulling you tighter against his body as he continued to deepen the kiss, letting his tongue sweep across your bottom lip. Hands roaming across bodies. Soft gasps for air. Neediness pouring out from the both of you.

You couldn’t get enough of his lips. It had only been a month since you had seen him last, kissed him last, but that was just far too long ago. You had been thinking about him while you wandered around your nearly empty apartment. Something felt like it was missing, and with Steve here, kissing you into bliss, the apartment felt full. It felt like everything was where it was supposed to be–always connected to his, giving life to one another.. Your body flush against as much as his as you could, hands pushing against his neck, to try and get impossible closer to the boy who holds your heart in his chest with his own.

“I love you too Steve.” You manage out once the both of you part for more than a semblance of breath. He smiled at that and kissed your jaw softly. “I missed you so much babygirl.”

A soft hum left your mouth, enjoying the warmth of his lips as they slowly moved towards your ear, your neck. His hands had made their way to your hips, fingers gently pushing into the soft flesh.

“You have no idea how much I missed having you in my bed every morning.” Lips finding the soft spot behind your ear. “In my car.” He nipped at your ear, earning him a soft exhale that fell from your lips. “On my couch. In the pool.” He started to slowly kiss down your neck, sucking a bit harder in certain spots he had spent so many hours memorizing. “Mostly. I missed coming home, and getting to fall asleep in the same bed as you.” He sucked on the soft spot of your neck, right above your collarbone, and a soft moan tumbled from your lips as he did. You felt the smirk on his lips, but it was quickly replaced with Steve marking your neck, a hickey that would take too much concealer to hide.

“Fuck Steve.” Your body was glued to his, a slow heat rising through your veins. You shifted slightly, trying to squeeze your legs together, get some friction down where you needed it the most. “Please baby.”

Steve blew softly on the mark he just left before kissing back up your neck to your lips. “Please, what, babygirl.”

“Stop being such a tease.” You grumbled, running your hand through his hair, before grabbing some of it and gently tugging, eliciting a throaty moan from Steve’s pretty lips. He fucking loved when you did that. “When am I not?” He bit his lip as the two of you looked at each other.

You shoved his chest just enough to get him sitting back down on the bed, so that you could climb up and straddle the boy. “If you want to be a tease, than I can do the same thing.” You whispered in his ear, earning a strangled sound coming from Steve’s throat.

You slowly rolled your hips, feeling the bulge in his jeans grow larger at the contact. “I can tell how much you missed me Stevie.” There was that fucki9ng nickname again. It had him preening as you rolled your hips again. His hands immediately went to your waist, pushing you down and helping you grind against him.

Your lips made their way to his neck, to his collarbone. “Baby take your shirt off.” You muttered at him, stopping your movements for a second to help him pull it up and over his body. Your hands immediately found their way to his chest, lips crashing back to his, desperate to get your hands all over his body as if you were touch starved, maybe you were. And Steve would completely agree with you. His was just not touching you enough.

One of his hands made it around your waist to your back still guiding the way your clit rubbed against the bulge in his jeans. His other hand went in between the two and he slid it under your shorts.

Your breath hitched and your hips stuttered, losing their rhythm a bit as Steve rolled his middle finger around your clit. He smirked as you closed your eyes and let out a moan, grinding your hips a little harder, starting to ride his fingers, his hand.

“Stevie please.” You mumbled, resting your forehead on his shoulder, letting out another moan as he pushed your underwear to the side, letting his fingers ghost over your throbbing clit.

“What Babygirl. What do you need? Tell me what you want. I want to hear it from you.” He whispered in your ear, slowly pushing two of his fingers further south to feel just how wet you were for him.

“Oh baby…”

You whined at his words.

“I want you t-to touch me Stevie.” You moaned into his ear as he shoved his fingers further down. Your hips jolted as he ran his fingers up your pussy, letting him feel just how wet you were. He brought his hand out from under both of you and you whined again, this time in protest at the loss of his hand.

“Is this all for me, sweet girl.” He squeezed your waist, making you sit up slowly and look at him, grinding a little more desperate now that he pulled his hand away. You watched as he stuck his fingers in his mouth, tasting you. Your jaw opened slightly, and your eyes darkened as he moaned, tasting just good sweet you were.

“Fuck Steve. Stop being such a fucking tease.” You barely managed out before you shoved his chest hard enough that he fell backwards onto his elbows on your bed. He looked up at you, eyes blown wide with the thought of fucking you sensless. “Get all the way on the bed Steve.”

Steve, with little to no hesitation scrambled back onto the bed so he was fully laying down across it. His elbows reach your pillows as he barely holds himself up, watching as you eyed the strained denim where his dick was practically screaming to be touched.

Once you had decided he moved far enough away, You took off the yellow crew neck revealing the lack of bra underneath. Steve groaned as your nipples pebbled from the contact to the air, regardless of how warm it was in the apartment. He moved to sit up but you just shoved his chest, and he fell back on his elbows. Your body rolled slightly, unhappy at the loss of contact from Steve, but you wanted something, and you knew that if you asked Steve to get you the moon, he would steal a couple extra stars just in case, which is why you wanted to suck him off before you asked him.

“Baby I wanna taste you.”

Steve’s eyes closed and his breathing became staggered. “U-Uh yea baby, what..um. Whatever you want.”

“I want you to watch me. But..” His heart started beating faster as he felt you palm him over his jeans. He let out a breathy moan. “You can’t touch me.”

Steve’s eyes flew open and as you pulled any of the hair that had fallen in your face, out of it. “W-What. Baby I-”

You kept your hand slowly palming at his bulge as you moved up along his body to kiss hip lips. Your tits ghosted over his chest making him shiver at the faint contact, and making your breath hitch at the way the contact felt on your nipples. “If you don’t touch me baby, You get a prize.” You kissed him softly, a contrast to the way you had been talking to him before. You were asking him to trust you. He kissed back and nodded. “Y-yeah, baby. O-Okay.” He managed out before leaning up on his elbows again, to watch you.

You let your hands rake down his chest, your touch leaving chills down his body, and made his dick jump, causing goosebumps all over his body.

“Fuck gorgeous.”

You smirked up at him before kissing the little line of his V that was peeking out from above his jeans, using one of your hands to pop the button. You managed to pull off his jeans and boxers in one pull, something you bragged about to your friends whenever they asked about your sex life, but that was neither here nor there.

You both watched as his dick sprang free, hitting his stomach. The movement caused Steve to whine a bit. “Baby I’ve got you summing before I’ve even touched you.” You muttered to him, spitting into your hand before grabbing him.

Steve lifted his hips into your hands, unable to stop himself. “F-Fuck babygirl.” He exhaled, watching as you licked the precum dripping down his dick. You moved your other hand down to his balls and squeezed them gently in your hand, watching as he tilted his head back and moaned.

“You like that Stevie?” You smirked as he bucked his hips up, trying to resist the urge to fuck himself with your hand. You paused, waiting for him to make eye contact again. Once he managed to gain some semblance of his mind back, he titled his head up, chest rapidly rising and falling, looking into your eyes. The sheer control you had over him just made you hotter than possible.

Slowly, you started moving your hand up and down, watching as he squirmed, trying not to rush you. Eventually, you moved one of your hands up your body and slowly started palming at your own tits. Slowly rolling your nipple between your thumb and pointer finger, moaning at the feeling. Steve was about to lose his fucking mind.

You were getting off watching yourself fuck him.

You smirked at him once he realized what you were doing. “Tell me what to touch next baby.”

Steve moaned loudly, and tilted his head back for a moment, trying to focus on anything other than the feeling of your hand on his dick and your hand on your tits, pleasuring yourself.

“Tell me where to touch next Steve.”

He managed to look back up at you, his hips slowly quickening as you continued to touch your chest. “W-Where do you–fuck princess–where do you want to be-be touched.” His eyes couldn’t leave your form as you licked your lips and slowly kissed down his dick, before slowly licking all the way up it again.

“I wanna see how wet you are.” He managed out before he moaned again. “B-baby I’m not….” He squeezed his eyes shut. “I’m not gonna last much longer if you..”

“I know baby.” You cooed as you continued to move your hand up and down his length. “But you’re such a good boy, you’re doing so good for me. Keep your eyes open.”

Steve’s jaw dropped and his chest was rising and falling faster and faster. You were moving just slow enough, teasing just enough, to keep him on the edge.

You let go of him, making him panic and open his eyes. “Baby please, fuck I’m so close pl—” But the words froze in his throat once he watched as you slowly trailed that same hand down your own body and rub your clit with your thumb, letting out a moan, just for him. His mouth went dry as you slowly stuck two fingers into that pretty little cunt of yours, moaning slightly as you did, before pulling them out, covered in your pretty little wetness, just for him.

The sound that left Steves mouth was not human, as he watched you slather yourself around his dick, just to then slowly put him in your mouth, letting him almost bottom out in your throat.

“Oh my god.” He moaned out. “Fuck, baby, fuck I’m gonna–” He cut himself off with a moan as you slowly started to bob on his dick, choking slightly everytime you took him all the way in. You squeezed his thigh softly to let him know it was okay before you moved your hand back to his balls, squeezing them every time he bottomed out in your mouth. The sight alone was enough to make him cum right then and there, but what did him in was the way you kept twisting your tongue around the tip, just making him sensitive enough. You felt his dick twitching as he fucked up into your mouth.

“Baby I–I–, Fuck Baby I’m gonna cu–” His orgasm hit him like a fucking freight train as he came in your mouth. Steve moaned your name loudly in between the rest of the moans he could barely contain. You felt the cum dripping down the back of your throat as you held his hips down, still moving your head, letting him let it all out into your mouth.

Once he had been pushed to the brink of overstimulation, and his dick started to soften, you sat up and slowly crawled over him, raking your eyes over the wreckage you caused. His hands found quickly wrapped around your body and pulled you flush against him. Steve was sure you could hear his heart beating out of his chest. You slowly raked one of your hands through his hair.

You slowly kissed his jaw, waiting for him to come to.

Steve eventually was able to open his eyes, and look down at you. “What’s my prize you fucking deviant.” He managed out, voice still wrecked from the sheer amount of sound that came out while he fucked your mouth. His hands were slowly roaming over your body, touching every inch of you.

You laughed softly and kissed his jaw again as he squeezed your ass with his hand. Propping yourself up on one elbow, you kissed his lips softly.

“You’re fucking beautiful.” he mumbled against your lips, listening as you sighed so prettily.

“Baby if you’re too fucked out, I can save your prize for tomorrow morning.” You whispered against his lips, slowly rubbing your thumb across his pecs, humming as he squeezed your ass again.

“No fucking way because if that’s what I got to earn a prize, then I want the fucking prize.” Pressing you against him, watching as you still squeezed your legs together.

“I want to ride you...”

Steve looked at you, almost cautiously, “Of course baby…But We’ve…We’ve done that bef–”

“—Your face.”

A quiet ‘oh’ left his mouth, while a blush spread across your face.

“Don’t get all shy on me now princess.” His hand reach down and tilted your chin uo, forcing you to look back at him.

“If you’re sure then who am I to deny such a fucking prize.” He licked his lips, lust blown eyes met yours as you let out the breathe you were holding.

Steve watched as you nodded and lightly tapped against his chest, signaling for him to lay back down. You maneuvered out of your pajama shorts and underwear, tossing them across the room–finding them was a later problem.

Your legs straddled over Steve’s chest, and his hands slowly slid up your thighs, letting his thumbs rub against the soft doughy flesh. Everytime he moved his thumbs up closer and closer, your hips would start to roll ever so slightly.

“Steve…” You sighed out as he kissed up your thigh, before switching to the other one whenever he got too close. Except this time, you couldn’t reprimand him for teasing you, since you were his prize, and he could fuck you seven ways to heaven if he wanted.

Frustration was starting to build up as he kept ghosting his lips over your cunt. Steve watched as your thighs started to shake, your chest heaving up and down, and your hair messily framing the most hypnotizing eyes, watching his every move, begging him to touch her.

Steve could spend the rest of his life worshiping you–your thighs wrapped around his face, kissing up your stomach to reach your lips, leaving hickies spread across your chest like stars. So when he hooked his arms under your thighs, and pulled you down towards his mouth, he felt as if he was in heaven, hearing the yell of excitement leave your lips, quickly replaced with a moan as he slowly licked up your entire cunt. Flicking his tongue around your lip, and feeling your whole body react.

Your hands shot out and clung to the headboard as Steve used his tongue to slowly draw figure eights across your clit.

“Oh my god. Fuck. Steve—Baby please–” You let out a load moan when Steve shoved his tongue up into you, his nose brushing your clit.

Your hips were moving as you began to ride his face. Steve just continued to lap up into you, moaning once he realized you were fucking yourself on his face.

The vibrations ran straight through your body and to your tits. “Fuc-Fuck Stevie Baby.”

Your moans only made his tongue move faster, before he brought one of his hands down and started rubbing your clit with his thumb.

Your orgasm was quickly building in the pit of your stomach. You felt it grow as he moaned again when your thighs started to squeeze his head.

Moans and swears and gasps continued to fall from your mouth as you rode his mouth.

Steve was completely drunk on you, lapping up your wetness as if he was a man starved. The noises you were making were borderline pornographic as he continued to fuck you with his tongue.

“Fuck—Steve, fuck baby. I’m–Can I come Stevie fuck.”

His brain short circuted for a moment as you continued to beg him to let you cum all over his face, make a mess of his lips and chin and chest.

He looked up at you, eyes connecting with his. Just as you did, Steve quickly shifted your hips and sucked on your clit, while rolling it around with his tongue.

It was too much.

You screamed his name as you came all of his face, hips spasming and he continued, pinning you down with his arms, not letting you move away from his mouth. You were the prettiest sight to see, cumming over him, like a goddess.

He shifted slightly and started to fuck up into you with his tongue again, forcing you to start riding his mouth again, nose hitting your clit causing you to moan his name over and over again. Before the first orgasm was even over, the pressure of another one forced its way through your body.

One of your hands flew down into Steve’s hair, yanking on it roughly, causing him to moan into you. Your mouth opened but no sound came out as you gushed into Steve's mouth, pushing through your second orgasm, and him gladly drinking it up.

This time, it was too much and your hips jerked away from his face, and onto his chest, soaking it.

The two of you were panting as your body seized and shuddered, letting the pleasure roll over and over and over until it was bearable enough to look down at steve.

His face glistened with your cum, dripping down his lips—it was the hottest sight you had ever seen.

Neither of you said anything as you sat on his chest, body still shifting everytime another wave of your orgasm hit you, cum leaking down his chest.

He just slowly placed kisses along your thighs, watching you come down from the intense high, thumb gently rubbing against your hip.

“Don’t look at me..” You manage out quietly, a soft laugh following it.

Steve kissed your thigh again. “Want me to let go of your legs baby?”

“Not yet.” was his answer, and he complied, just watching as you slowly finished coming down.

“Mmmkay.” You whispered and slowly lifted yourself off of his chest, and moved your leg around so you could lay down next to Steve.

Steve sat up quickly, and kissed you, fervently but softly, letting your body relax. His lips didn't leave yours as he slowly finished laying you down.

Eventually steve broke off the kisses and got off the bed to wipe you off his chest.

The second your head hit the pillow, your eyes were closing and sleep was edging closer and closer.

Steve watched as your breaths started to even out and kissed your forehead before wandering off and locating the bathroom. He smiled as he switched on the lights, and the mirror in front of him lit up. He dug through one of the boxes, eventually finding a towel and using it to clean up your messy adventure, but looking at himself in the mirror.

Maybe everything was just the way it was supposed to be, maybe he was fucked up and flawed and his body was wrecked with scars, but—

“Steve?” He heard your voice carry through the apartment, pulling him from his moment.

You watched as he walked back into the bedroom.

“Are you okay?” You had made your way under the covers of your bed, eyes narrowing at his prolonged a scene from your bed.

“I’m okay babygirl. How are you doin’?” He slipped under the covers and pulled you into his chest, arms wrapped snuggly around your back.

Your lips kissed his neck softly before you Redred your forehead on his collar.

“You should move in.”

Steve is sure he misheard you, but when you look up at him with those eyes, he knows you’re dead serious.

Maybe everything was perfectly fine, maybe he was perfectly okay.

“I’d love nothing more babygirl.” He whispered, kissing your forehead, watching as you smiled contently, starting to drift off to sleep.

And suddenly, it was quiet, except for the soft inhale and exhale of your breath. But this time, instead of everything wrong, all he could think about was how right everything was.

And for the first time, in a long time, Steve Harrington was looking forward to what his everything could be.

#steve harrington #steve harrington x y/n fluff #Steve Harrington x reader #x reader #Steve Harrington x reader Drabble #Steve Harrington x reader smut #Steve Harrington x fem!reader #Steve Harrington smut #Steve Harrington x reader one shot #Steve Harrington Drabble #Steve Harrington one shot

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meechlamajor · 8 days

Note

Ouuuu how about reader dealing with a breakup and either Aaliyah, Aubrey, or KK helping her through it? I think that would be nice 😊

DEALING WITH A BREAKUP: AUBREY GRIFFIN x Reader.

The last two days have been unbearable for not only you, but your roommates also.

You’ve been experiencing a surge of overwhelming emotions, the prime ones being pain, regret, and confusion. Your girlfriend of three years broke up with you two days ago, following your anniversary so it was safe to say that she had the worst timing ever.

When you asked her why she said: I just don’t think that we’re a match anymore. We’re both too busy for another another.

You knew that that wasn’t the truth, but you couldn’t argue with her; you felt that it wasn’t your place. You loved her, but you always made a promise to yourself that you wouldn’t beg anyone for anything.

You’ve been in an extra crabby mood, you’re snippy, too. Just yesterday the girls ordered a few pizzas, including ordering you a personal sized pizza since you just wanted cheese.

Normally, you didn’t mind sharing, so when Caroline asked for a slice, she was shocked by your response. “No, leave me alone. I literally can’t have anything to myself!”

You and your pizza spent the rest of the night alone in your room, and the worst part was that you didn’t even have an appetite after.

Your mental state was starting to be reflected in your appearance, too. Bags appeared under your eyes, you wore your hair in a bun every day, and your outfit of choice was a hoodie and sweatpants which just wasn’t like you.

You’d walk into a room and everyone would quiet, which they hoped you didn’t notice.

Your friend Aubrey was slowly, but surely connecting the dots. She noticed that you were visibly upset after a visit with your ex, which you were beaming about before, even saying that you may not come home for the night.

You’d always talk about, she was your favorite topic and you thought that everyone should know of her, but that stopped. You didn’t have anything interesting to tell the girls about her and you didn’t take random pictures with the girls to send to her just because.

Aubrey decided to think about it first before making a move, she knew how you were and didn’t want to make you more upset than you already were, so she hatched a plan.

Having some free time on her hands, Aubrey made you a “feel better soon” basket. She went to all of your favorite stores to gather your favorite things. Your favorite snacks, a new throw blanket, a book she thought you might like, candles, a few gift cards to your favorite restaurants, and more.

She put everything carefully into a basket with a cute bow on top since they’d kinda become your thing recently.

You were still rotting in your bed (sorry lol), so Aubrey knew exactly where to find you. She walked down the long hall, about to raise her hand to the door when Jana spoke up.

“Do you think a basket’s gonna win her over?” Jana inquired, a look of interest on her face.

“It’s more than a basket,” Aubrey whispered back, trying her best to not foil her plan. “It’s just to show her I care.”

“We care…” Jana trailed off. “Is there a card? Let me sign it!”

Aubrey laughed, knocking on your door. You sighed to yourself, hoping that whoever was on the other side would think that you were just sleeping if you didn’t reply.

But, one more knock followed and then two. You threw your blankets off of yourself, trudging on over to the door. You fling it open, being met with a smiling Aubrey with a cute smile on her face.

Without words, she extends her arms, handing the basket to you. “What’s this for?” You raise an eyebrow.

“A ‘feel better soon’ basket. We just want you to know that we love you,” Aubrey spoke.

Your eyes softened, a lump placing itself within your throat. You were about to bawl. You gulped, your eyes shifting between the basket and Aubrey as tears began to bubble over.

You placed the basket in your dresser and then pulled Aubrey into what was probably the tightest hug she’d ever gotten. “I-I,” you muttered through your tears. “I’m so sorry I’ve been so mean lately.”

Aubrey’s lengthy arms engulfed you, rubbing up and down your back. She rested her chin on the top of your head. Aubrey legs moved further within your room, yours following suit and she closed the door behind you guys.

“We get it,” she consoled you. “Breakups are tough.”

You huffed, “I just don’t understand why she broke up with me, I know she was lying to me!”

“As much as I know you don’t want to hear it, that’s not for you to worry about anymore. She made the decision not to tell you and if she didn’t have the guts to be honest with you after three years then… it had everything to do with her and nothing to do with you. Focus on what you can control.” Aubrey’s wise words meant a lot to you. You needed to hear when you couldn’t tell yourself.

You nodded, “yeah, you’re right. I just… as stupid as it sounds I don’t know how to live without her.” The both of you pulled apart and you anxiously picked at your nails.

Aubrey sat on your bed, “it’s not stupid. You just have to take it day by day, because believe it or not you can live without her.”

A silence settled between you two. In that moment you were just thinking. Thinking about how grateful you were for Aubrey and how fortunate you were for the support system that you had.

You sighed with your arms falling to your side.

“Are you hungry?” Aubrey proposed. “(Your favorite breakfast spot) opens in 45 minutes.”

You nodded eagerly, “duh. Biscuits and gravy sounds so good right now.”

She stood, “I’ll leave you to get ready then. I mean this in the nicest way possible, do not put on sweatpants and a hoodie!”

AUTHOR’S NOTE!

i’m rlly rlly trying to knock these requests out, but i’m also a writer on wattpad so i’m every LMAO

i hope you liked this though, excuse any mistakes! 🩷 i hope this isn’t too far off, i was unsure if this should be romantic or platonic 🌚

#meech la major #uconn wbb #aubrey griffin #aubrey griffin x reader #wlw #kk arnold #paige bueckers

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idontplaytrack · 4 days

Text

Flaws

Janis ‘Imi’ike x fem! reader

Warnings: fluff, angst. coarse language, quarrelling. Implied/slightly described messy home life

In which, Janis has always been reader’s source of love and comfort. Through the pretty and the ugly.

“

I’m on the incredi-coaster. Some days I am on the highest of highs, huffing chocolate-chip cookies, and, other days, I liiiterally want to jump right off

”

— Auli'i Cravalho, 2023

I like making myself emotional apparently 😁

“Are you okay?” Gretchen asks in a quiet voice, studying your face closely.

No.

“Yeah.” You shrugged, focusing your eyes on the whiteboard and teacher at the front of the room.

“You alright?” Regina shot you a look, “What’s going on with you? You’re not yapping about like you usually do.”

“No, nothing.” You replied dismissively. Why’d she notice anyway?

“y/n, what…what are you doing? You’ve got the answer wrong.” Cady mentions.

“What?” You snapped out of your trance, shaking your head slightly as though to get rid of the unwanted thoughts. “Oh, shit. I’m sorry- I just-”

Just felt like crying, honestly.

“Maybe you should sit this one out.” Aaron says, “You look a little pale, are you sure—”

“Yeah, why the heck not?” You cut him off, grabbing the dodgeball and then threw it back to him.

Your day was going…alright— arguably.

“y/n, what is going on with you? I literally called for you twice and you just stared at your food.”

“I’m fine. Just tired, Damian.” You plopped the fork back onto the tray.

You spent half your school day without Janis since you both had, essentially- the same classes but at different times. After lunch was art class, where you’d see Janis for the first time since she picked you up from your house. “Hi, baby.” She presses a kiss to your cheek before taking her usual seat in class. You sat down beside her, your mind drifts back to last night’s useless quarrel with your Mom and Dad.

Janis was watching, you could feel it. But you continued looking straight ahead at the front of the room. You couldn’t lose it now, not after you’ve tried so hard to keep it together and you weren’t about to just…give up.

"Okay." Janis' voice pulled you back, "We're ditching, let's go."

"No." "Yes, come on. Before Mr. Riley gets here." She insisted. Next thing you knew, you were being led out of the school by Janis and into her Mom's car. She'd texted her Mom to come and pick the two of you up, and she did. But quickly left the house after you two'd been dropped off to go run errands.

"It happened again, didn't it?" Janis asked knowingly while shutting her door.

You scoffed, avoiding eye contact with her. Janis sat down beside you and carried on speaking, "I told you- you don't have to pretend with me. You do enough of that every fucking day, trying to care for your sisters, your Mom, yourself."

Damn, she really was always listening whenever you'd vented to her.

"I'm sick of it, you know? Have to re-parent myself, gentle parent myself- it's ridiculous. They made me this way and yet I'm the one doing all the work? While whatever's made me like this is still happening?" Your voice quivered, you sniffled, got up and walked to a corner of her room to avoid having her see you like this. Upset, teary, weak.

Janis saw a side of you that everyone else failed to see: the little girl inside you pleading to be loved and cared for instead of being picked on or dismissed. Or having every little flaw of yours scrutinised. Every time after you'd poured your heart out to her, you brushed it off as 'being in a mood'. But she doesn't. Janis knows it means something and has been helping you all this time. To undo the damage that's been done to little you. Janis allowed you to express your emotions: happiness, sadness, anger, excitement, anxiety, disgust...all of it. She's never once held you back but instead stayed along side you while you did what you needed in the moment, felt what you needed to feel in the moment. Janis knew every little quirk of yours like the back of own hand, she knew what made you happy, and what made you not so happy. She knew exactly what to do in any given moment which has made you feel like her burden. Which...you'd expressed in passing but she didn't agree. Janis immediately shut you down. But you insisted, saying it wasn't her job to fix you.

"y/n- listen to me. You are right, it's not my job to fix you- to fix any of this. But as your partner and someone who loves you, it is my responsibility to help you grow into a better person- a better version of yourself. You don't realise that so I'm telling you my point of view, okay? You've helped me too, you know that? You've made me less blunt, more patient...things that I weren't before I met you, y/n. It's not just me putting in the effort, you are too. I see how hard you're trying...to break the cycle and that's so important to remember in moments where it doesn't feel like it."

Now was one of those times...but you couldn't fight what you were feeling. Those emotions you've tried so hard to work through were all boiling back up. But still, you bit back those tears. And it physically hurt.

————

The more eager you seemed in avoiding looking at her, the more eager she was in walking up to you to make you took at her in the eye. "Why do you even love me?"

'What the fuck.' Janis thought to herself. That was honestly her first thought and what she wanted to say but she stopped herself, taking a deep breath instead, "You cannot choose who you fall in love with. And I don't have just one reason why. It just feels right, like it's meant to be." Janis slowly walked up to you from behind, "You don't see yourself the way I see you and it hurts me that you hate yourself this much. You're doing the best you can, baby. I see that, but please listen to me now, okay? Let it go, you need to let those tears go. Stop holding it in, it's okay. It's okay to cry."

Oh, what the hell.

You really just let go of the tears you've been swallowing all day long, falling limp in her arms as you choked on a sob. Whatever happened last night was anything but new, but it always upset you and brought you to a shitty place. Eventually, her back hit the wall and you two slid to the floor with you still safely in her embrace. She's witnessed worse, but this doesn't cause her invalidate your emotions. Janis would never do that to you- she never has. Janis loved you - every part of you. It's been clear since day one, nothing fazed her but what you had to go through all your life only angered her, wanting nothing but the best for you.

Janis had days like this too, and you were there for her without a second thought. Nothing mattered more than making sure she knew you were there for her. When you were in her shoes, you do it without even thinking. But whenever you were on the receiving end, you never could take your own advice or words that you so earnestly gave to your girlfriend.

Right now, was one of those days where you felt like jumping right off. Nothing felt worth it, everything you fought and worked for seemed futile. You, felt like shit. But Janis, no- she was a fucking saint, so damn patient and loving and it scared the shit out of you to have seen and experience the stark difference in her personality in public and in the safe walls of home...that side of her was as real as it was a show for self-defence. You never did experience love like this till Janis came into your life. All your life, you learnt that love had to be earned. That love was smashed glasses, broken walls and slamming doors. Absolutely nothing like what you could've imagined it to actually be and it terrified you.

Hurt in private, shine in public. Right?

You stop eventually, feeling nothing left inside of you anymore. It's not like you were a loud crier by any means, but it just went on for several minutes and the more sober you felt, the more you kept thinking that you should just...stop. Even with her whispering words of assurance into your ears over and over, her telling you she loved you.

"Do you wanna stand?" She asks, both her hands cupping your cheeks. You just did, not giving her a verbal response. Sighing, you went into her bathroom to freshen up then changed into a set of clothes that were hers. Wordless. Not another word came out either one of your mouths as all of this was carried out. Because she knew you- that's how you worked. You climbed into her bed, and she does the same, spooning you as you felt yourself relax further under her touch. Your arms rested on hers as you gave her hands a squeeze, hoping she got what you meant. She did, of course she did. She knew what every little gesture meant. Janis could read you like a book.

You two dozed off for a little while, and when you woke up again you were expecting a bitching headache- which did start. But eh, you'd be fine. You felt better after letting yourself feel what you needed to feel. Both of you acknowledge whatever's happened prior to the nap, but moved on with your day focusing on anything but that. That was done. While you were curled up on the couch, Janis threw a frozen pizza into the oven along with the last bit of chicken tenders, she said. Again, you did not say a thing but she knew you were listening. You were the one who requested the pizza after all.

You two've gotten the routine done and that's what mattered on days like these. You knew she loved you and why, but when emotions were running high, a lot of crap tended to be said. A little bit of love, patience and peace went a long way in these times. "Janis." You looked at her, she looked back at you, "Thank you. I love you." "Anytime, baby. I know you do. I love you, too." Janis said back, running a hand through your hair while you had your head in her lap now, "We're doing just fine."

#auli’i cravalho #janis ‘imi’ike #janis 'imi'ke x fem reader #reader insert #x reader #female reader #lgbtqia #wlw #queer #wlw fanfic #fluff #angst #hurt/comfort #Spotify

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scavengerssuccotash · 3 months

Note

Hi! I love your clintasha stuff so much.

Do you have any headcanons for clintasha angst?! I’ve always imagined that with their age gap, nat’s closeness to Steve (in the MCU anyway), Clint’s insecurities and hidden anger streak (as seen in Endgame with Ronin), and the fact that they both have quite dominant personalities, conditions can sometimes be ripe for an argument.

And when they do fight, they fight! Like all the avengers/SHIELD are on edge for days because of the tension. And eventually one of them just gets so upset not having the other there that they will work up the courage to apologize.

Aww! Why thank you so much I’m glad you’re enjoying them!

I picture the fights between Clint and Nat to be a micro equivalent of the Cold War. Well, unlike the Cold War it does get hot! (Pun intended!) Picture the Cuban Missile crisis but make it between two very dominate and very opinionated and highly skilled individuals whose combined capabilities could level any building with a three block radius.

That my friend is what happens when Clint and Nat trade blows. Fortunately for New York and Avengers Tower they’ve managed to reserve their anger to sharp-tongued barbs and egg-shell tense silence. At least while in front of the team…until one or the other cracks and a dish gets thrown.

(Clint threw a coffee cup and missed Natasha obviously, Natasha predictably got offended that he missed on purpose. Steve had to cut in between them, which only redirected their anger onto him much to his supreme confusion.

“Oh wow look at Cap really putting your namesake to use huh? Do you have a list of thirteen points?!”

“Kindly fuck off old man, not every fight needs your fucking help!”

Clint and Nat promptly shared a look. Twenty minutes later everyone heard the ‘kiss and make-up’)

Clint definitely has an anger streak roughly six miles long but he hides it very very well. It took Phil a lot of blood (literally), sweat, and tears to help Clint get a handle on his shit when he first joined SHIELD. While his anger bursts are few and far in between, when they do explode out of him he has at least learned to redirect that anger onto his physical surroundings and be mindful that maybe punching a concrete wall wouldn’t do his shooting hand well. One of the first things Natasha ever gave him was a tennis ball. She picked it up on a whim during a mission because Clint was annoyingly restless, and figuratively bouncing off the walls with energy that he needed to expend but couldn’t because the mission was geared towards her skill set rather than his. He still has it to this day and whenever he feels the tell-tell hotness burning up his spine that comes with a burst of anger he’ll take out the tennis ball and start ricocheting it off the walls. (It drives Tony absolutely fucking nuts.)

Natasha’s anger is far more…precise. Like a surgeon’s scalpel compared to the mini nuke that is Clint’s. She specializes in using silence, passive aggression and careful word choice to express her anger, which inevitably triggers Clint’s mouth because he hates getting ignored. Especially by her. If by the fourth day neither of them crack Clint will start the truce with her favorite meal, a hot drawn bath and a list of apologies. Afterwards they’ll talk it out, between rounds of sex. (Clint’s of the mind that Natasha will just start some if the fights for the make up sex. Natasha only confirms this much later when physically backed into a corner. He really can’t blame her, he’s done it at least once or twice.)

Natasha’s apologies require a lot less forethought. Clint drops whatever argument they’re having at the sight of her bare breasts, along with his pants. This neat trick lasted for ohh about the second big blow out, when Clint afterwards rolled over and demanded that if she was gonna just fuck their problems away they might as well call it quits. “Don’t get me wrong you’ve got great tits and the sex is mind blowing but if great tits and mind blowing sex is all it takes we’ve got bigger problems, Tasha.” In the end they keep the sex, but Natasha makes an effort to truly truly talk it all out, which in returns Clint rewards. Quite enthusiastically.

For the more minor spats, they save those for the training mats, trading punches and ass pinches. By the time that’s all done they’re lying on their backs sweating through their clothes and laughing. They might be dating, but ultimately they’re competitive best friends through and through.

#ask me #clint barton #hawkeye #clintasha #natasha romanoff #black widow #marvel #personal #fandom

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furiousgoldfish · 7 months

Note

Hii. Honestly I’m still confused whether I experienced abuse or not or what it was or even how bad it even was.

Basically, I’ve been homeschooled my whole life (well, until I was 10, when it became unschool, and most of my education knowledge that isn’t words and random stuff I’ve learned is still there, especially math.), never had a job nor probably ever will because I’m disabled, probably have ADHD+autism and definitely have depression+ocd, and the last physical friend I had was probably when I was about 12 or so (I’m 18 now). We live in an rv in a super small town and have been since I was 12 or 13ish. And I have an older brother. Honestly I feel kinda isolated, and even if something bad happened, I wouldn’t have anywhere to go.

Anyways, when I was around 9 or 10 or so apparently I started to get burnt out, and that turned into really bad depression when my grandparents died (and so did a bunch of other extended family members before them). My mom had to be a caretaker for my grandfather for nearly a whole year and my dad stayed home with me and my brother but all I remember during that time is escapism, binging for comfort, and my dad playing video games all day. Also one time I threw a notebook at a doctor because I was so overwhelmed and wasn’t getting any help.

Around 14 to 15, I was a real menace, constantly fighting everyone and stuff. This led to quite a few instances where I’d get into an argument with my mom and she would hit me or threaten to hit me. I remember one time I refused to get off my couch because I wanted to know why they were wanting me off and they ended up physically dragging me off the bed and hitting me. Another bed time, I was making my bed (which was rare for me to manage to get myself to do) but my dad stepped on my pillow with his shoes after coming inside and I got upset because it got stepped on and was probably dirty now but kept my upsetness to stomping. But then I got into an argument with my mom (and hissed at my dad) and it escalated until she hit me (apparently out of disappointment). Also she took away most of my bedding, and then after that on a day we went to the store (so I was gone all day) and she made a comment about me not bothering to do my bed, despite the fact I wasn’t even home to do it, the last time I attempted she hit me, and I barely had much of a bed to make (two pillows, one blanket, and my stuffie)

I also remember one time my dog tried to protect me and she threatened to get rid of my dog. As well as a time when she told me I could leave (with what money or place to go? I was literally in a city I’d barely seen because we moved there to be in an rv park, I had no job, no family or friends nearby to go to). I also came out as nonbinary (I’m a trans man now) and they were pretty transphobic at first, though my mom eventually educated herself and isn’t anymore.

And one time I got worried about a mask I was wearing during covid era being dirty and my mom telling me I should’ve stayed home (also they hated the mask mandated and I’m pretty sure at least mentally rolled their eyes when I chose to wear my mask even when they didn’t whenever it wasn’t mandated). There was also a time I spoke a bit too fast (I have a habit of fast talking sometimes) and my dad said I will not speak that way in his presence and I think also threatened to spank me.

Nowadays the worst that’s happened is my mom yelled at me for asking too many times whether the door was locked or not (it was broken and I couldn’t understand if it was locked locked or just in the locked position), my dad spends most of the day outside in our truck and every time I attempt to talk with him it usually ends up not good. I tried to show him music, he ended up playing his nearly an hour long of music in the middle of the ONE song I attempted to show him (never finished my song to this day), tried to talk about him not using my pronouns and it ended with him going off about politics and saying a few slurs and me needing to wipe myself clean because our shower isn’t available and I smelt like smoke. Tried to talk about him using his phone at the theaters because I wanted to take him with me and my mom to see a movie and it ended with me leaving him behind so that we could actually enjoy the movie. Tried to show him (very cute but a few crop tops) clothes I wanted to get and ended with him talking about being a peeping Tom as a teen and me feeling like my clothes were sexualed and uncomfortable in my own skin.

Also recently my brother poked my leg to get my attention and then after I told him not to (because he’d just come in from outside and my OCD has been horrible recently so i was a little convinced his touch was contaminated and was trying really hard to not get up and douse the spot in antiseptic) he did it again and I ended up hitting him with my tablet (I will admit I already attempted once before then, and he later said it didn’t even hurt when I managed to hit him) and then he used his fists on me and I ended up curled up on my bed screaming and crying because it hurt (and he bent my glasses). When my mom woke up and came over to see what was happening I curled up again and asked her not to hit me (because one time years ago me and my brother got into a bit of a physical scuffle and she hit me when she woke up and came to see what happened). My arm still hurts, but I’m thankful I covered my head because otherwise I’m worried I would’ve gotten a concussion or something. I’m pretty sure I was 100% definitely in the wrong and the abusive one in this situation here. It was really weird because afterwards I didn’t want to be touched (not even virtually) and then when I wanted to be touched again (the only option was virtually by a friend) it made me anxious and unsure.

When I bring it all up to my mom, she says she did her best and made mistakes, but didn’t abuse me. She said she’s seen what real abuse is and I would’ve left. Also when she found out I told a friend about things, and my friend said it wasn’t good, she said I was choosing to make them look bad. Also anytime I bring up issues about my dad (like him feeling like a stranger), she says he’s always been this way (he’s schizotypal) or that I must’ve forgotten when he was involved (which no duh, I barely remember my childhood)

It was abuse. I am so sorry. This sounds absolutely awful. The amount of neglect and violence you were enduring, and how scared you were of it.

Your mother's response is the exact response of abusive parents. My parents also told me that 'they know what real abuse is', and that I'm 'making them look bad if I ever say anything to anyone'. And the way she defends your father, it's all just excuses, you are right to be upset and to point it out.

You were dealing with so much, right from the start, so many struggles to go through, and with all this you were isolated, in a strange place with nowhere else to go. All your issues have been either completely neglected or made worse by your closest family members, and the violence you describe is devastating.

Nobody should have ever hit you. A child who is overwhelmed with sensory issues, OCD, and struggles with depression and ADHD, is not a menace. Adults can deal with children who get aggressive without violence, it's not hard to disarm a child or to get distance, they're literally smaller and weaker and not an actual threat. There is never any need to completely control them or to threaten violence. It sounds like the way they did it was so devastating for you, you ended up absolutely terrified of when they would hit you again. You lived with that fear all along and when your brother hit you so bad that he bent your glasses and hurt you so much, your first thought was fear that your mother would hit you again too.

You were in your house, surrounded by your closest family members, and you were terrified out of your mind of what they were going to do to you. You should have been in the safest place in the world. You should have been loved, cared and safe there. There was no more terrifying place for you than that rv.

You couldn't have left either, your mother knows that.

All of them should have made sure to accommodate your ocd and to not make it worse. They should have helped you manage all of the issues, and be mindful of your depression. Nobody should have even thought of hitting you, threatening you or acting like your pain doesn't matter. I'm so sorry that you've been so alone in this. It is awful what you've been put through.

I hope things get better, and that you get more kindness, gentleness and compassion in your life. You deserve to live comfortably, with no fear or shame. You've done nothing to deserve any of that.

Also I'm astounded they managed to completely neglect your right to education! I don't know where you live but it sounds illegal, you had the right to be completely educated, regardless of disability or issues, you still have the right to it, and if you can, I hope you will pursue it, because it's never too late to find out basic information, and it will help you navigate the world. I don't know what the procedure is to pursue education after this kind of neglect but I know there has to be a way. If anyone knows more about this, please write it in the replies or comments.

#child abuse #tw violence #tw physical abuse #sibling abuse #ocd #autism #adhd #depression #abusive parents #child violence

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myloveforhergoeson · 1 month

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are there any differences to roxy's characterization from when you first thought up of her vs now over one year on? excluding plot directed character growth (like her being more comfortable in her standing within the group vs earlier). is there anything particular that you wrote/made notes on in the earlier days where youre like that's not what she would say

what about other ocs like declan somerset and mag and dani? or even canon characters youve fleshed out more like camille, jo, dak zevon

hi!! yes yes yes there are so many things that have changed about her over the course of this story from when i conceptualized the idea, wrote it out, and began publishing it!

like you mentioned, rox becoming comfortable with the guys and her new friends has been the main thing, but aside from that she's now learning about good relationships, realizing that being with dak messed her up a bit and working through that

but enough about plot directed character growth! there were plenty of instances and scenes i had written in her early days (and even now lol) where i just had to completely chop conversations out and reword them because she used to be a lot more combative than she is now. less go with the btr flow and more... hey are we going to get fired?? but that's not fun at all - so she's mostly transformed to be an accomplice.

i'm not sure if this also counts, but outside of her writing she's not very good at processing her own feelings so there were a few instances in which other characters made her upset (camillle; james; dak) where i wrote out some scenes where she essentially exploded at them and reading it back it felt so so so wrong. she can hardly put to words her own feelings in conversation, so i changed those to scenes that i think fit her better

instead of blowing up at dak over his cheating she chose to distance herself from what was happening and end their "business relationship" before their real relationship (originally she threw a stapler at him. it was awesome. but she'd never really do that so i cut it out)

instead of screaming at camille for kissing the boy she likes, roxy stepped back and asked her why she had chosen to hurt logan, not why she'd kissed james (i stopped writing this one fully before it got ugly because it hurt me, but roxy had some choice words about breaking girl code)

instead of actually talking to james and working out their problems on tour, she's trying to figure out why he doesn't like her - if it was something she had done, not if there was anything she could say

so yeah. dubs for the emotionally stunted girls. damn maybe she should work on that idk

i haven't written dec or dani enough to have their original personalities shift from what i had originally imagined - declan is just a goofy teen dad trying to raise his daughter the best he can. while he's just trying to be there for her, sometimes he's gotta put the father foot down too! dani is just kind of catty and they typically follow mag's lead on things.

as for mag, i originally wrote a scene where rox bumped into him at the grocery store when they got kicked off rocque records. he was a lot meaner than i wanted him to be, so i just kicked the scene entirely. but you can read it here if you want! in my head he's a lot more of a nicer on the outside kinda guy, like in the Morning Glory chapter. what he says is sweet, but his words have bad undertones and he's very good at getting what he wants. more of this in the future~

i think i do pretty well at writing the canon characters in line with how they act in the show... except for james.... god. literally every time i write him i think im doing it wrong and it bothers me so much lmao. like yes he's silly he's goofy he always wants to make out with his girlfriend (not that she's complaining) but he simply would not be like. the perfect boyfriend. but this is my story and i want him to be so he is!!!!!!!!!!!! so yeah sometimes i'll write him and rox talking and just have to completely delete what he says because he's not that brilliant and make him say something stupid instead lol

so tl;dr! yes all the freaking time. all. the. time. but that's what makes writing fun! it's like a puzzle, placing everyone's distinct personalities together and putting them in situations to see how they'd react. i think all of them get along really well, even when they butt heads :) but sometimes whats in the drafts has gotta stay in the drafts

#THANK YOU FOR YOUR QUESTION THIS WAS SO FUN #ash talks tasw #thats all she wrote fic

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diana-bookfairchild · 1 year

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@harrypocter Week 3: Lee Jordan

Lee flicked his wand and conjured a bunch of dandelions to lay on the grave.

He knelt in front of it, ignoring the dirt getting on his work robes. He worked for a wireless network anyway, appearances didn’t matter.

“Hey, Freddy.” He said casually. “So, this time I decided on dandelions. It represents ‘the return of life and rebirth’ according to the bloody book, which I think is rather ironic. D’you agree?”

He paused. “Of course, you do. It’s a damn good joke, if I say so myself. Plus a pretty great callback. Remember second year? The Halloween Feast?”

There was another long moment of silence. The breeze whistled through his robes and hair and against the gravestone, as though to break the depressing silence or trying to reassure him.

At first, talking to the grave as though it would actually respond had been a coping mechanism and Lee had nearly sobbed every time he’d realized there was no point and there was never going to be a withering retort ever again. The pauses had been crushing.

Now, though. . . .

Talking to his old best friend’s grave like this made him nostalgic. More upbeat than upset. More melancholy than rage at the unfairness of the world. More a lingering loving sadness than despair. More spasming than debilitating. The pauses were more symbolic of the departure from his regular life, the dipping back into those war-torn awful years.

“George has a new product out,” He continued, standing up and walking around, gesturing as he did when he told stories without a mic. “It’s a figurine of Harry, actually. He’s experienced a sudden upsurge of popularity since the Blackwood case. Should’ve seen his face when George told him. It was at the last DA reunion. George loved his reaction, though he probably loved it a lot less when Ginny started to ‘console’ him, if you know what I mean.”

He waited again, closing his eyes and enjoying the feel of wind and sunshine. The Weasleys really had picked a beautiful place for the grave.

“Angie’s pretty great, too. She was all giggly with Luna and Audrey and Alicia at the reunion though, which makes me worry because that is a dangerous group. Don’t tell them I said that,” he added. “Also, she’s taken a break from the Wanderers. Because. . .”

He cleared his throat. “Well, that’s why I wanted to come see you today. I’m sure you must be wondering. It isn’t your birthday, or Christmas, or the 4th of July, or New Year’s Day or the anniversary of the battle. It’s. . . .”

He wondered how to put it. Fred had always liked straightforwardness, Lee decided. George was the one to dilly-dally and outsmart.

“George and Angelina told me they’re pregnant,” he blurted out. “Well, Angie’s pregnant. They’re having a kid,” he emphasized, in case Fred hadn’t understood.

“I mean, don’t get me wrong, they’ll make amazing parents, but still, here I am, bachelor, trying to remember the names of my dates - I accidentally called Andrew Alan and he threw a tantrum and left last month - and there they are, having an actual, literal baby. And they decided to make me godfather! Me!” He gestured wildly at himself. “What the hell made them think that would be a good idea? Ha! Last week I nearly burned down my apartment trying to make something edible.”

Lee paused again, and continued softly. “Th-They’ve found out the gender. It’s a boy.”

He laughed slightly hysterically. “I’m going to have a godson! I’m going to be a godfather! How about that, huh?”

He hesitated. “And – well. I know it’s different, and complicated, and George and Angie are a bit—” He shrugged, not able to articulate it. George and Angelina and their relationship could be as complicated as easy, as ugly as beautiful, as defined by grief as by happiness, and as marked by Fred’s absence as by the presence of his lingering ghost and legacy. “But – there’s no way they’re ever going to end up naming him anything but Fred. Wait and see. George blathered on about some names they’re contemplating, but I’d stake my Gringotts vault on it.”

He let out a breath and then knelt in front of the gravestone again, tracing the letters on it with his finger. “Your life was way too short. And—” He remembered seeing Fred the last time, the easy smirk on his face as he twirled his wand and made a crap joke in the Great Hall, the way Lee clapped his shoulder and said ‘Later, mates’ before leading his own group out onto the grounds, thrumming with excitement and nerves and determination.

He remembered feeling guilty for his own grief, about how all-consuming it had been, when to him George had been more important, George who had lost his twin brother.

“I couldn’t save you. You died.”

He closed his eyes again, pressing his forehead to the stone. “But … it happened. Dwelling on it’s not going to help. I’m going to do my best to make sure Lil’ Fred has a long, long life. He has to at least outlive me.” Lee nodded determinedly.

“I know you’ll be watching over him,” He continued, getting back on his feet. “Just like you’re probably fanboying over Teddy and Victoire and Dominique and Jamie and Lance and Percy’s soon-to-come kid. And well – I will be too. So, one more collaboration, huh, Freddie?” He smiled in remembrance. “S’how we became friends, remember? You were so nasty about it. ‘One collaboration’, you said. ‘We’re a duo,’ George said. And that promptly went down the drain when we actually got into it.”

His mouth twisted in a half bitter half fond smile. Somehow, the old grief had returned as an itch from the celebration of a new life he had meant to do. Grief had that way. He could be standing and doing something perfectly normal one moment and the next want to collapse and curl up and sob. He couldn’t stand to be there a second longer. “Love you, Fred, you Merlin damned asshole. See you soon.”

And he turned and walked away, ghosts still pressing at his heels, back into his life.

Feedback appreciated! I'll admit I got a teensy bit carried away with the length. . . .

#harry potter #fanfic #fanfiction #harry pocter #lee jordan #canon poc character #friendship #platonic relationships #grief/mourning #Choppy at times but so are emotions #my first harry potter fanfic that isn't harry centric #in at least some way #would you look at that

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27emailsicantsend · 2 years

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Season 3 Episode 5 Thoughts

I have to start out by saying that this episode had such a high impact on me that I literally was not able to write these notes until the next day… So yeah that should explain a lot about how great this episode was

Let’s start off with sassy Gina. I think it is so fantastic how much she is using little comments and remarks to get back to EJ. It reminds me a lot of the last episode and how he was making little side remarks against Ricky. It’s almost like her subconscious way of showing him what he was doing to Ricky when he was mad. She was going to lash back the same

CARLOS’ NAILS I LOVE SM

Ricky breaking the 4th wall again by making eye contact with the camera 😭 pls

Also why does it make so much sense that Carlos was literally the only person to pull off the drama stunt with the rest of the cast? Like he really understands what makes good tv and I love that for him

Also the writing in this episode was 😙👌🏻 it was funny, romantic, dramatic, confusing and fast and everything else. It kept you on your toes and felt engaging every step of the way. The writers REALLY stepped up their game this season and it’s making the season feel whole and complete. I think some other story lines could be slightly more fleshed out but with the time constraints they had it was still done well

Kourtney saying “RCOSL” and Carlos getting annoyed gives me the same vibe as London and Mosby with the “PRNDL”

The fact that Gina said she CANT improvise and then she was asked to improvise in WDYKAL tells me it might not have been improv at all. She wasn’t improvising, she was acting out in vengeance. Which remembered what happened last time she couldn’t improvise and acted out instead? Mr Elton John got a drink dumped on his head at the dance in S1

And I LOVE that there is a water dumping parallel when Gina gets “upset” at Kourtney over her lines and gets to throw it again

Tbh I feel like anyone in this fandom would be fine if Sofia threw water at them

EJ is here for the wrong reasons??? Remember why Carlos casts these? Because he felt like they matched people’s personalities. I think this is a big ole red flag for p*rtwell. He’s in Gina’s life- at camp- for the wrong reasons. Maybe it’s to hold onto his past, not go to school, whatever… but that tells us he shouldn’t be there loud and clear

Ricky “I can hit him fr” 😭😭 pls my guy no need to be so eager

Also it’s been pointed out a million and one times but RICKY SAID HE LOVES GINA IN A NOT SO SUBTLE WAY. Like NO HESITATION. The minute Carlos said Ricky was mad Ej took the girl he loves Ricky was like “oh right gina!!” And then had to come back from it because he realized how quick he responded 😭😭

“He stole her- or WOULD HAVE stolen her in a fake scenario” 🤪😳🫢

And the held a torch to her for YEARS?? Um hello this implies Ricky has had feelings since the beginning?? Which in many cases Ej and Nini saw in s1. Like the scene where they hugged or Ej asked if gina cared about Ricky. EJ knows the feelings have always been there

Ricky b*tch slapping EJ is EVERYTHING to me. I shouldn’t promote violence BUT

And then him saying that was his motivation and asking to slap him again I’m DEAD

FREAKING CARLOS PUSHING THE MADDOX AND JET IN LOVE AGENDA SIR YOU DONT UNDERSTAND WHY ITS SO WRONG

Also him doing labor breathing to calm down 😭 call the police

A parallel I just realized: when Kourtney and Carlos asked Gina and Ricky a question all they needed was one question to come completely clean about how they felt and what was stressing them. It’s interesting they responded the same way to their friends

“A big bouncy butt” who wrote these lyrics?? I just wanna talk

Like this whole episode was peak comedy but Channing and Carlos had me ROLLING the entire time. So so good 😂😂

Maddox’s squeal when she fake cries 😭 and then Carlos “IVE BEEN SLAPPED 😦” GOLD

When Gina and Ricky are talking backstage by Carlos you hear Gina do this little flirty “yeahhh 😏” and it’s very much giving the same vibes as them in the woods

Did anyone else notice that Ricky has the EXACT same look on his face when Carlos says, “remember you still have unresolved feelings for Gina” as when she brings up the chocolates?? (Yes I’m a chocolate truther sue me)

How does 10 to 1 mean peeing in Hollywood? 😗 am I missing something?

The evil look gina has when Carlos tells her to have fun torturing EJ 😭

AND THE SVEN COSTUME I CANT EVEN LOOK AT IT ITS SO FUNNY

Like literally I could use EJ in that costume as a reaction meme for SO MANY THINGS

Timberlina knew what he was doing with that costume and it was evil 😭

Ricky’s soft “hey buddy” ☺️ and EJ’s face 🥺 THIS EPISODE IS GOLD I TELL YOU

I AM AT WDYKAL NO ONE LOOK AT ME NO ONE PERCEIVE ME NO ONE MOVE

The way Ricky says in the song you don’t know his name?????? And then we find out Gina doesn’t actually know EJ’s name???? The Hans agenda are you kidding me?????

When Gina took his hat??

Or what about when she touched his neck??

WHEN THEY HOLD SILENT EYE CONTACT MULTIPLE TIMES ARE YOU KIDDING ME THE LOVE IS LITERALLY TANGIBLE IT HURTS. THE VERY END LITERALLY LEAVES ME BREATHLESS

Or how about the fact that Ricky dips her AFTER the little streamer shutters close and EJ can’t see what’s happening?

Or the slow touching moments

LETS NOT FORGET RIGHT AT THE END THAT IT LOOKS LIKE MR BOWEN IS ABOUT TO HOLD HER HAND AGAIN AND WHO HOLDS SOMEONE ELSES HAND AT THE END OF BREAKING FREE??? TROY TO GABRIELLA

And every person who has made the lights comparison is so so right and for what

Gina throwing Ricky around as a rag doll with no remorse and him enjoying it is EVERYTHING to me

ALSO DONT FORGET THIS WAS ALL SUPPOSED TO BE IMPROVISED. THEY DID THIS ON THEIR OWN, NO DIRECTION, JUST THEIR OWN NATURAL INCLINATIONS. JUST LET THAT SINK IN

The vocals, the choreo, the other actors reactions, the CHEMISTRY… everything about this song is literally so good. And it all built up to this??? Like it’s not out of nowhere but years of waiting and build up and at the end the tension is so high it literally causes Gina to run out of fear because she doesn’t know what else to do but panic???? Like hello???!!!

If you’re not on the Bird app or if you haven’t gotten a chance to listen to their vocals isolated please do it. It is so worth your time

This song really truly deserves every praise it’s received and will continue to receive. Timberly and the others really outdid themselves this episode and for what

(For rina, that’s what… this is what happens when the shows producer has a blatant favorite couple… sorry not sorry p*rtwell and r*ni duets don’t hold a candle to this one)

Did I just rewind it so I can watch it again before finishing the episode? Maybe. Don’t stop me.

Me talking about Rina: don’t get me started

“Heart wrenching honestly” 🥺🥺🥺 that really was so hard for him and you could see it the whole time in his performance he just wants to love Gina so badly ughhhhh

Ricky even apologized for being too intense? Like he knew he went full throttle in that performance because it probably was the only time he was allowed to without EJ saying something. I’m sure he took that opportunity and ran with it… no matter how painful

RICKY JUST SAY WHAT YOU FEEL WE’RE ALL BEGGING 😭😭

Also those were heart eyes if I’ve EVER seen them holy crap

I actually have a lot more I want to say on this scene but I want to make a separate post about it

THE PARALLEL SCENE OF THEM WALKING IN A ROOM IT ALL HURTS SO MUCH

this scene was so much because everything comes out in different ways and to have that many reveals in one sitting can be not overwhelming for the characters but the audience watching as well

Not Maddox just calling Ashlyn out like that 😭 but also she never denied it… so??? 😳🏳️‍🌈

I don’t know if this was supposed to be taken as a funny thing or not… But I find it really interesting that Ricky needed to lay down when Jet and Maddox were yelling so much of each other? It seemed like he was almost having some flashbacks to things that made him upset and his anxiety started to heighten reliving that trauma over again? Because not only did his parents fight like this but he also fought with Nini like this… it just seems like a trauma response for him to literally shut down so I’m not surprised he felt the need to lay down during all of that

But also on a lighter note it’s so funny how the kids are all yelling and everything is serious and then Carlos gets completely caught up on EJ not being Eric Junior and Ricky missing everything to yell about Maddox and jet being siblings completely out of context help 😭😭

And ok I’m not going to go TOO in on this because it’s been discussed a lot but there has been a lot of discussion around Ricky having regression (which is not true at all… look at other posts about this to get more context), but isn’t it interesting that Gina says OUTLOUD, “this is what the old Ej would do”. She is literally pointing out that him not being honest and hiding himself is a form of him regressing as a character. I’m really interested to see how the writers bring him out of this

I saw someone post about Ricky saying when you can’t find the words you just sing instead might be him hinting at singing Kristoffs lullaby and I LOVE THIS SM. But also I can’t tell what I would love more? If he is singing this off in a distance and pining at Gina or singing it to her 😭 both would be beautiful tbh

RICKY HAS A CRUSH ON GINA I STILL CANT BELIEVE THIS IS CANON ON SCREEN OUT LOUD ITS-

But also when he puts his head in his hands after getting caught speaking outloud. Like boy knows he done messed up. I am REALLY curious what they’re doing with that footage. Either Gina will see it on purpose, on accident, or it’ll get deleted but she’ll still find out anyway through word of mouth and I don’t care how but I love that somehow Ricky is gonna get CAUGHT

You can see he is trying SO HARD to avoid his feelings being known and he literally can’t. I think this is where the line from Val earlier about not being able to hide your love and it comes out in other ways comes in. He literally cannot keep others from seeing it and finding out which is frustrating him beyond belief. Enough people are seeing, noticing, saying things though that at this point… I’m sorry buddy there is nothing that can be hidden

Why does jet singing in that jacket at the piano remind me of the Gorilla from SING 😂😂😂

Bu that aside lmao I love this song. It’s implications with the kids around him and him looking with admiration at younger Maddox says a lot about their relationship. He just wants what is best for her through his actions and it showed so poorly. He feels so much regret even though he wanted to do everything right. Just a lot of misunderstanding and heart ache which I think sums up a lot of the relationships in this season as well

Ok who tf is EJ calling? I think it’s easy to assume it’s his dad but I don’t know that that is actually who he is calling and why? Is it to leave? Create more drama? Heal something that he feels or needs to be healed? I’m just very curious about who might be coming

#rina #HSMTMTS #high school musical the musical the series #season 3 #ricky x gina #ricky bowen #Gina Porter #ashlyn caswell #ej caswell #Carlos

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many-but-one · 1 year

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Splitting, Splitting, Splitting

pk;m new, pk;m new, pk;m new.

You know, I thought folks were being funny haha when they said that learning new trauma can cause you to split more. :) Haha.

We've had several splits over the last couple of weeks, some of which were literally nameless and re-fused within a few days, others not so much. Vivian split into Vivian and Rook. Rook seems to be sticking around. And then myself, Dorian, also split last night. Which is what I'm going to talk about, as I haven't split since I was 17 years old, back when I was known as our dead name and I split into Jules and Aeron.

So the reason for the split I won't go into big detail, but essentially I was learning things that were extremely distressing to me, making me pretty much non-functional. In our system, I have always been the "functional" one, that's my One Job. My job is to be as trauma-free as possible and everyone else holds everything for me. Even when I experience trauma or learn trauma memories, I end up splitting and I come out essentially trauma free while the other half of the split holds all of the unsettling shit that was plaguing me. Something I've learned from folks in the system is that I have *always* been the host. Well, parts of me have. Over the years, I've been "whittled" down. Every time I experience something upsetting or traumatic that makes it difficult to be the functional part, I split. If the trauma is ongoing, that split will become host until the trauma "ends" and then I come back none the wiser. Which is why folks like Maribelle, Mariana, Aeron, and many more, were all hosts for short periods of time and every time I ended up coming back to take my duties back up. Of course these all happened long before I was aware of the system, but this is why I was so certain I was always the one around our whole life with a few memory gaps. I was. I *have* experienced our whole life sans the really fucked up trauma, but every time I get overwhelmed by what I'm experiencing, I get "whittled down" again and that's what happened again this time.

I'm still Dorian. I feel no different than before except that the memories I had been toiling over are essentially either completely gone or I have no emotional attachment to them. In a quote to my therapist to explain the feelings regarding a person in particular involved in the memories and things I've been stressing over (my father): "The ones [memories] I do have, I have absolutely no emotional attachment to them, it's like someone else lived them entirely. I have almost no opinion, positive or negative toward my father. The new information I learned about him (that he probably allowed this all to happen) feels unimportant/I don't care about it. Any of the teen memories I have/had of him are either completely gone or so diluted that I don't care about them."

And that's by design. Unfortunately. And now I really do understand why so many parts are so hostile toward me. My One Job is to be trauma free while their One Job is to hold trauma. How is that fair? It's not like I get to choose this role, our brain does this automatically because we NEED a functional, non-traumatized, main host part. Which is me. It always has been. It's so sad. I feel so sad for those parts who have to hold what I'VE experienced and couldn't handle. It makes me feel weak, but I know that's not the case. This is just how our brain has decided I will have to be.

The really sucky thing is how the split occurred, which was done in a way that was (from what I can assume) purely symbolic in the IW. I got grabbed by one of our internal gatekeepers (Anna, who is essentially the size of a primordial entity/god thing) and ripped right in half. Which was as pleasant as you can imagine. /sar

It was actually incredibly painful and traumatizing, it was a horrifying experience, and that's not even all that happened but I'm not going to get into all of that. Essentially when she threw me back down to the forest of our inner world, I was now two pieces and the two pieces of me were suddenly whole parts, making me (Dorian, the one writing this, previous and current host, only ANP with no trauma) and Seneca, a part that I don't know a lot about because he's still super fucking disoriented. All I know really is his name, that he looks a lot like me but very dark, and has a lot of memories of father-related stuff that I no longer have. And a lot of rage. That seems to be a common thing amongst splits. I think it's because rage/anger have never been safe to express in our life, and when we do it's too much and brain panics and splits off so that the part who was feeling so much rage is free from it and then we bury the rage they felt deep in the IW to never think about again. Well, the point is to never think about it again. Logically, I/we know we're going to have to deal with all of that anger and rage eventually, it's just that up until now that has never ever been safe or okay to do. I know someday we'll have to consolidate that anger and it WILL be safe to feel, but I suppose now is not that day.

I'm unsure if Seneca will be buried like the rest or if he'll join frequent fronter status. Rook has been around and about and functional so Seneca may do that as well. It's been A Time these past few weeks. Having to come to terms with some seriously horrifying shit that I can't even begin to describe on top of realizing that it all could have been avoided and that it was all done purposely and the people that should have protected me simply...didn't. It's heartbreaking, to say the least. I understand why this happened. I'm not angry or upset at my brain or the parts for doing this. I have learned to not be so hard on myself/the parts, I realized that rather than blaming myself, I should be blaming our abusers for everything. Absolutely everything. None of this was my fault.

I was just a kid. WE were just a kid. :(

-Dorian

#dorian🌹#system update #manybutone #did split #did alters #did osdd #did system #dissociative disorder #dissociative identity disorder #polyfrag #polyfragmented #cdid #c-did #complex did

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wolfsbanemanor · 4 months

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Winterfest Headcanons

Back when they were "normal" human Sims, Caleb and Lilith celebrated Winterfest like whoa! Seriously, the Whos down in Whoville had nothing on the Vatores down in Willow Creek. The day after Harvestfest, they started to get ready for Winterfest. Edward put the lights up on every inch of the house, Artesia (and Caleb) baked a metric fuckton of cookies and sent cards to everyone and their dog. (Literally.) They posed for family photos to put on the cards. They even met Santa Claus, er, I mean...Clement Frost...er...Father Winter. (And Artesia maaaay have lowkey woohooed him that Winterfest Edward was stuck working.)

Lilith's gingerbread house fell apart because she went a little too ham on the roof frosting. It was supposed to be entered into a contest, and there was no time to fix it. Caleb ran upstairs and dug a Godzilla toy out of storage and placed it next to the collapsed gingerbread house. It won first prize.

After they were turned into vampires, they soon discovered that most of Forgotten Hollow...well, they just didn't do Winterfest. They put their all into Spooky Day, and they gave Talk Like a Pirate Day everything they had, but Winterfest was a no-go. Everything was so dark and gloomy all year round, but it was especially palpable at Winterfest. None of the houses in FH had any lights. Nobody kissed that special someone under the mistletoe. No wreaths decorated the door, unless you count the one at that Garliclauter Place made of garlic. Nobody baked gingerbread cookies or put together gingerbread houses. No stockings hung on the fireplaces, no garlands adorned staircases, and no lights were seen on any roof.

This was their first Winterfest since their parents' passing, their first Winterfest on their own, the first Winterfest since The Incident With Miss Hell, the first Winterfest since their cousin Lily became a werewolf and (Vlad had told them) wanted nothing more to do with them, and the first Winterfest since they turned into vampires. It was also the first Winterfest since they decided they didn't want to follow Vlad's ways.

The night before Winterfest was due to begin, Lilith threw the curtains open, as the snow fell outside. "It's Winterfest," she declared. "Yeah, so?" asked Caleb. He was sulking and nibbling on somewhat stale Winterfest sugar cookies he'd picked up from the store on impulse yesterday. He had been moody ever since The Incident, and well, all things considered, no one could blame him. "So," declared Lilith. "We need this. Let's get our butts in gear and Do Winterfest!" "Why should we?" asked Caleb. "Come on. Mom and Dad wouldn't want to see you sulking on Winterfest, Vampire or no!" replied Lilith. "Besides," she continued. "All those lights, the greenery, the music...I don't think Vlad will like it very much." (If you want Caleb to do something, all you have to do is play the "it will upset Vlad" card. It works every time.) Caleb's blue-grey eyes lit up, and he put down the shit-ass storebought cookie he didn't like much anyway. "Let's do it!"

They spent the night putting lights up all over their house. Garlands on every wall, the staircases, and the porch. The tree right in the window, where everyone could see it. The radio tuned to the Winterfest Music station, loud enough that it could be heard all the way down by the lake. Even their coffins got decked out for the occasion!

The next night, when it was officially Winterfest, Wolfsbane Manor was all lit up. (It even caused a power surge!) Everyone in town looked with wonder and awe at this unusual-for-Forgotten-Hollow sight. Not to be outdone, Vlad went down to his basement and dug out his own holiday decorations box. It was covered with dust and cobwebs, and contained ornaments they don't even make anymore. He set to work putting his own decorations up, and played "Fwingle Fobs" on his pipe organ.

Father Winter stopped by and left a huge pile of presents under the tree, at both houses. He was asked to decide which one he liked better. He decided he was just happy to see lights up at all in Forgotten Hollow, and soon FH joined all the other Sim neighborhoods in getting ready for Winterfest.

Each year, the Vatore-vs-Straud Winterfest Lights rivalry intensified.

#the sims 4 #the sims 4 seasons #headcanons #caleb vatore #lilith vatore #vladislaus straud #the sims 4 vampires #winterfest #merry simsmas

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agentbeeswrites · 1 year

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Tagged for a WIP share by @tallmatcha so I dug something up.

Tagging @runephoenix6769, @patchodraws, and @astraskylark to share a WIP exerpt (if they want to).

I haven't touched this in a couple of years and it may be a little rough, but this is from some backstory I wrote for Raven in Just Drive, my last BBB fic. One day I'll finish my Rosebird (Summer/Raven) tie-in fic for it.

---

On the first day of the fall term, they met Summer and Taiyang.

Tai was too bright, too cheerful, too nice, and far more genuine than anyone Raven had ever met. He surprised her with a smile that made it seem he was happy to meet her and a firm handshake that conveyed a friendliness that she didn’t know how to respond to. Raven wondered if he had mistakenly chosen the wrong school.

Summer was even more disconcerting. If she had a superpower, it was the ability to see past all the bullshit to the truth of a thing, to the truth of a person. Raven felt like Summer saw into the most hidden parts of herself. It made her terrified of the woman.

Of course, the other three became fast friends, so she was forced to deal with Summer being around a lot. If she wasn’t hanging out with the boys, then Raven was randomly running into Summer all over campus. Every time she stopped for a coffee, there was Summer in line somewhere nearby. When she went to the library, she would find Summer curled up in a corner on the floor, so deep into a book that Raven could have gotten within stabbing distance without the other woman noticing.

Raven bought a taco bowl from one of the food trucks, turned to leave only to have a hand wave in her face.

“Hi Raven! Funny running into you here. Oh, is that the special?” Summer peered at the bowl held in Raven’s hands.

Then at the student store, when she realized that she’d be better off with graph paper than lined paper for Calculus.

“Hi Raven! I didn’t expect to see you again today. Which math are you taking this semester?”

She rolled her eyes at Summer and got into the checkout line.

They were on the same floor of the dorms. Running into Summer in the bathroom the next morning was what broke Raven. After a literal crash of bodies (how could Summer seem so graceful and incredibly clumsy at the same time?), Raven pulled her aside to ask if Summer was stalking her.

“What? Of course not! Why would you accuse me of that?”

“Because you’re everywhere!” Raven threw up her arms as her voice increased in volume. “Every time I turn around, there you are! Getting a coffee, reading in the library, laying on the grass in my favorite spot, sitting under my favorite tree. It’s creeping me out!”

Summer was quiet for a moment as she studied Raven.

“You’re upset that we like the same places?”

“That’s-” Raven made halted sounds of distress. “That’s too much to be coincidence.”

“Is it? I’d say it sounds like we have a lot in common. How about I buy you a coffee, and you can tell me why you like to go to Mike’s instead of Starbucks, and how you found that little garden way behind Thurston Hall?” Summer gave Raven a slow smile.

Raven’s eyebrows must have leapt completely off her face, because Summer was looking at her expectantly with clear interest in spending time with her. Alone. Without the boys.

Though she was loath to admit it, Raven had not had many friends growing up. She had people she would do things with. She had people she’d get into trouble with, those she’d hang out with to avoid becoming bored, others she fooled around with, associates she knew would throw down with her if she started a fight. Friends were people who required trust, and trust was something that was hardly ever earned or freely given in the circles she had been trapped in. But she did travel all the way to university to start building a network.

“Fine. What are you doing around three?” Raven asked.

And thus began the best friendship Raven Branwen had ever had.

#fic #just drive #same universe different time #rosebird #raven branwen #summer rose #rwby #au

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forestryfae · 11 months

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like i LITERALLY JUST want to be able to get rid of the house. i just wanna get rid of it and not have to keep paying for i ad i wanna move somewhere i will actually like living and im not stuck at home unless someone "graciously" drives me, and get a job so i actually have money and can afford to save up money for thing i genuinely want and havent just taught myself to want because its cheap and its decent so i should like it, and to actually have a nice clean tidy house, and a car so i can buy some FUCKING boxes and plasic bags so i can get rid of all the shit i dont want and maybe even just straight up sell or give away the nicer stuff i dont want. like thats it. but i just straight up dont have that option cus i gotta make food for myself so i dont starve and i need to relax too so i dont literally burn myself out and i need to sleep and i have to shower and pee sometimes too like i JUST want to be able to clean the house non-stop for like a week straight. i just wanna put shit in garage bags and throw them out. noones gonna want fucking 1 year old hairdye or unused makeup or three identical mugs or a fuckton of reuseable straws and i dont think i have the patience to sell a bunch of clothes even tho theyre perfectly fine and barely used. unless people come pick up the shit themselves, in which id be more than willing to just give shit away if they did that so i dont have to deal with the fucking transport or shipping.

i just have SO MUCH SHIT and its mostly garbage or shit i dont want or use anymore. or its fucking gifted shit i dont want anymore because frankly, why is my only option to get any furniture always to either buy thrifted shit or be given secondhand shit from my family. its one thing if i want it but they dont even ask or show it to me first and they dont help me when i want something new and actually useful. they just show up and theyve brought me something and we thought maybe youd need it so well just leave it here and you can get rid of it if you dont want it. I PHYSICALLY CANT GET RID OF IT. I DONT HAVE A CAR. and im not throwing perfectly useable but ugly lamps in the regular trash. take it to a fucking thrift store you morons. get rid of some of your shit instead of giving it to me. if you cant manage to get rid of it without giving it to someone so youll know its safe or whatever the fuck then just. dont get rid of it. keep it yourself. dont give shit to me so i can borrow it indefinitely. like i JUST. want MY OWN PLACE. THAT I CAN FEEL OKAY IN. and not feel like its a pissing contest every fucking time someone comes over cus they GOTTA fill my house with shit, they just HAVE TO do shit without even discussing it with me, i literally cant say no i dont want visitors today without them showing up and throwng a bitchfit when theyre not welcome the one day i said i didnt want to see anyone, they dont take a no i dont want help with that as an answer and do it anyways, i cant even buy my own shit cus they take over and do everythig for me.

no fucking independence or control or boundaries or respect or basic fucking decency and absolutely no empathy or compassion at all.

i have to BEG them to come visit me and they still wont do it, but when i go grocery shopping and need a ride i dont get home until after 9pm and more often than not close to 1 am, and the ONE time i explicitly said i didnt want visitors was the one day mom showed up and threw a bitchfit cus i was upset. i told mom i spent literally hours every day crying and feeling anxious and awful and she just ignored it and forgot to call the doctor the one time she offered to do it for me. i dont even get to be a part of renovating the house cus mom and stepdad took over and wont talk to me and spent all the money and wont even talk to me about the money or tell me whats in the bank accounts unless someone else asks on my behalf. noone is willing to teach me to drive even tho mom nagged me when i was 17. i can literally not talk to anyone about my feelings or shit im worried about, i literally only hear about how its my fault somehow, or i get some useless advice that doesnt help cus it doesnt fucking apply, or i get an empty promise that theyll help and then nothing happens and im selfish for asking and nagging them cus they have their own lives and their lives cant revolve around me. which is so fucking ironic cus i dont even get a phonecall once a month to see how im doing or talk about things and i certainly dont get visitors unless its got to do with the house or that one time mom had a day off and apparently that means she can come visit with no heads up just so she can sit there and bitch about my dad or my brother. she doesnt ask how it was like living with them or how i feel about the situation or anything, its all them and their fucking feelings. its never about me and im made to feel stupid and embarrassed and childish and like a fucking moron any time i have emotions they dont want me to have.

and on top of all this i didnt even get talked to as a kid. i was practically useless and just something they leave unattended until they felt like yelling or screaming at me or wanted me to do chores or some other boring fucking activity that i didnt want to do. asking me how my day was or having a conversation or talking to me about something i liked or just regular conversations about stuff? nah fuck that do your homework and also dinner today is a fucking sandwich cus i wanna be in the garage doing my hobby and fixing cars.

and then i come home after having had a really good time at the inpatient unit im at, and its a mess and theres shit in places its not supposed to be and im up to my fucking neck in laundry and dishes and shes done something i didnt want her to do again, and i cant even complain cus i risk not having her help with the shit i actually need help with that i have no option in asking for, like grocery store rides or someone to feed my cats while im away or help renovating the house. i cant even ask for help to buy some fucking boxes or i risk never getting them.

like i JUST want a fucking car and license and i wanna get rid of this house and i want some godd damn boxes. literally the only things i need in life to be happy rn.

#talkie

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0nlinejournal · 11 months

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My tolerance for what I can handle on a day-to-day basis decreases substantially every year. Without access to healthcare I don’t know how many more years are left until I have 0 tolerance for anything at all. I am so tired of feeling this way. I am so tired of feeling like a little brat who is being a stupid fucking whiny baby about having to do literally *anything* when other people can do everything and thrive.

I know something is wrong. I’ve known something is wrong since freshman year of high school when I begged my mom for therapy. I thought it was just depression back then, or maybe a mood disorder, but my mother said I was fine and it was just hormones. But I knew the intensity in which I was feeling my negative thoughts was not at the same intensity of my peers. Now I don’t think it’s just depression, I think there’s an underlying issue that depression is a comorbidity of, but I can’t quite land on one in particular.

The last time I threw one of the options out there to a therapist (for the last year that I was still on my father’s health insurance) she immediately dismissed the suggestion saying I couldn’t have that because I wouldn’t have been able to do my job at the time.

I do all of my jobs for around 2 years and then I quit. I don’t know how I’ll ever have an “adult” job. I know that I’ll end up hating hit just after a couple of years, and then what’s the point in all the time, money, and effort I put into acquiring the skills for that “adult” job? How will I ever afford to exist in the world? How can I?

I’m upset with my parents. There’s so much weird shit I did as a kid that cumulatively should have been looked into. I still can’t fall asleep without literally rocking myself to sleep. I have to (gently) bang my head against the headrest if I’m a passenger in a car. I got in trouble for talking every single day in grade school, I cried every single day in grade school. I was smart academically but nearly failed every test I took. I harmed myself! WHY was I not taken to ANYONE?

I did shrooms for the first time this past year, and it was a generally awful emotional experience for me. I was reverted to a literal child. I cried the entire time. I felt so small. I felt like a toddler walking unbelievably slow around my apartment. Second time I tried to take a minuscule amount to see how that would feel, but I still took a bit too much. And that time I realized that the feeling that was laced throughout my body that made me feel like a child, was fear. I remembered how scared I was of everything as a child. I would lie awake at night crying until I fell asleep. Every night, I silently cried until I slept. Until eventually my dad suggested I get a small box fan for white noise at night. Life changing. But that was only one aspect. On this small unwanted shroom trip I realized that the feeling I felt in my body as a child was anxiety. That fear was pent up anxiety trapped within my bones. And only now as an adult I can recognize it. I cried so much. To think, I was so anxious.

I’m sorry, I needed to rant. I’m going to stop here.

#may #2023 #mentally tired #online journal #tumblr journal #personal #mental health

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quickhacked · 2 years

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this is the chance you were waiting for to talk about vitali's oldest man daughter syndrome, give us more thoughts and tell me how this reflects over his relationship with vincent and mikhail 🤲

HELL YEAH THANK YOU RENA AUAUAUAU literally the speed at which i threw down my work again to start typing this LMFAOO here we go again >:)

warnings >> descriptions of bad parenting, descriptions of trans struggles, family/parent mention, transphobia

vitali is the oldest of three, his younger siblings are daniil (male, three years younger) and roksana (female, five years younger). his parents, matvey and nadya, both worked for arasaka, as a banker and security guard respectively

mostly nadya had a lot of expectations of him when he was younger. vitali was always very ambitious and pretty intelligent and worked very hard because he loved studying, and this is mostly what caused his mother to have such high expectations. his father was less intense about it, though this changed when he learned he could get a promotion at arasaka and he let his work completely consume him; this caused him to become a lot colder toward his family and his once encouraging and supportive attitude toward his children now turned into holding them to unrealistic standards and forcing them into certain boxes to get them to the future he had in mind for them

all of this has caused vitali to search for others' approval; he did that back then with his parents, and now to a degree still does so, mainly with people older than him. while he's less ambitious than he used to be and still mostly does things for himself he'll often find himself doing things in a slightly different way than he had planned on just because he knows others prefer the way he's doing it now, and he doesn't want to disappoint them

matvey ended up getting his promotion and they moved from wellsprings to downtown. nadya was then also relocated to this other arasaka facility so she wouldn't have to travel up and down every day. she wasn't happy with this at all and became a very bitter woman because of it all, her negative energy inciting fear in her children and passively pissing off her husband, to the point they had near-daily arguments about the smallest of things

as the years went by, the two only became worse versions of themselves. matvey was barely present- even though he worked partially from home, he was not really there, entirely focused on his laptop and not bothering to spend some time with his family. at the same time, nadya was barely home at all; always at work, even going as far as taking extra shifts ("to make more money", but really just to not have to be at home), and the moments she was home her rancid vibes could be felt all the way on the other side of the street

all of this meant their children were mostly left to their own devices, which also put pressure on their relationships and mostly on vitali, being the oldest; he was expected to help in the household, which he did, because he didn't want to disappoint anyone, but at the same time whenever he would ask daniil to help him with something he was met with an angry sneer, because daniil believed it was not his job to help vitali with anything. vitali was understanding about it, even; because daniil was right to a degree, but at the same time, why was it vitali's job, then? especially after vitali came out as trans, he wasn't sure anymore whether the conversation about responsibilities concerning the household were an "eldest sibling" thing or just a straight up transphobic thing

daniil and vitali did not like each other, needless to say. vitali was upset that daniil refused to help with anything and was very self-absorbed all the time, and daniil thought vitali was a control freak

vitali also did not like his youngest sibling, roksana, all that much. she had not been taught any manners and was the equivalent of a feral little beast sometimes (she literally used to bite vitali almost on the daily, i am not exaggerating), and on top of that saw her brothers as her caregivers but treated them like her servants. she demanded everyone's attention and got unreasonably upset when she would not get it, and it nearly drove vitali crazy

despite all of this, and despite how he spent most of his days over at mikhail's place because of it, vitali still cared for his siblings and made it his duty to keep them safe and shield them from any of their parents' rude comments or unfair judgements. his sense of responsibility is something he still carries with him to this day; even though he's a fixer and mercenaries just work for him, he feels responsible for them and will keep a close eye on them during gigs, to make sure they'll make it out alive. he also checks in on them and keeps tabs on their home and financial situations so he can help them out whenever necessary, because he does not want them to suffer like he did

vitali's relationship with his mother was already complicated to begin with; she used him as an outlet, a personal therapist, and since he did not know any better he let her say whatever she wanted to him to the point he felt like he could never talk to her in return, scared he would upset her more because she was already going through so much, apparently. even nowadays he is hesitant to open up to others and prefers to suffer in silence, not wanting to add more on to their struggling; though at the same time he always listens to others and even though he is great at it, he also ends up doing it in moments when he really is not in the right mindset to listen, essentially exhausting himself mentally and emotionally just because he wants others to be able to talk about their worries and struggles

their relationship became even more complicated when vitali came out as trans when he was 15 years old. matvey was mostly just ignorant and because of him being so consumed by his work he did not make an effort to educate himself or listen to his son; still, he respected vitali's new name and pronouns, and never made a big deal out of any of it (but at the same time also mostly just ignored it). nadya, however, acted like she had been betrayed, and for years she grieved the loss of her "daughter", even though vitali, who had just always been her son, was literally right there. all of this caused him to feel incredibly guilty, a subconscious feeling he still carries with him to this day; and even regret, almost, for no longer meeting his parents' expectations at some point, for disappointing them, and for "abandoning" them when he eventually decided to move out

his mother's grief is also what caused vitali to leave his hair long for years, even after he had left home at age 18; she used to love his hair, and already judged him for bleaching it, so he did not dare to cut it off. vitali did end up cutting it short during a mental breakdown in his last year of college; the act broke him for a while and he regretted it, even, but after that moment he has never even considered growing out his hair again

i already described how all of this influences his life nowadays above but when looking at vincent and mikhail specifically, it's mostly the household that they really need to communicate well about, because they all live together in vitali's penthouse and, well, there's cleaning that needs to be done LOL

i think it helps a lot that vincent and mikhail are both very quick to take initiative and just kinda do things without being asked, and one of their main love languages is acts of service; this way they just do things around the household without vitali having to ask anything, and generally they all just do their part without complaining (unless they're all working on something together and all don't like it, then they'll complain the whole time to each other but that's recreational LMFAO) and they don't have arguments or fights over it or anything

the only thing that is a bit of an issue, is the cooking. mikhail can't cook (lmfao) and vincent is a decent cook but he has his own issues he's dealing with (won't go into great detail but vincent is the youngest of five and always had to fend for himself when he was younger, so whenever he feels hungry he will start cooking but ends up only cooking for himself because he momentarily forgets about his home situation), so it's usually vitali who does all the cooking. this tends to awaken some bad memories in him, to the point he feels like it's expected of him to do the cooking; this is really not the case and vincent and mikhail often remind him of this, which helps a lot

on top of that, this is a very specific thing but i really wanna mention it LOL instead of asking vitali "what are we having for dinner tonight?" they ask him something along the lines of "can we help with making dinner?" that way, they get their answer, because vitali will automatically go into details, and at the same time vitali feels less like. well. to put it bluntly, like everyone's caregiver, and it shows vincent and mikhail are willing to help him, unlike his siblings when he was younger

a bit earlier in the story, sometime before the heist happens, vitali also ended up helping vincent with his transition wishes. he himself struggled a lot with it all (mostly financial-wise, though nowadays he has a lot of money so, you know, he can afford to help others now) and he did not want vincent to have to go through the same, so even though they didn't know each other all that well yet he did go out of his way to help vincent :)

i think this covers most of my thoughts for now GHFDJHGD i could probably also talk more about mikhail (only child) and vincent (youngest sibling) but that's an analysis for another post <3 thank you again so much for the ask!!! i love talking about my blorbos so much LMFAO it makes me very happy to see other people are interested in them too ;w;

#asks #mutuals #aartyom #ask:daniil #ask:matvey #ask:mikhail #ask:nadya #ask:roksana #ask:vincent #ask:vitali #oc asks #THERE WE GO THAT'S ALL THE TAGS. I THINK. I HOPE #anyway there you go <3 that's the whole soup i think #screaming and crying etc #i already know the moment i post this i'll think of something else to say LMFAO but it's fine i'm gonna leave it like this for now <3

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