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princessozera · 2 years

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Scientist MC; Mirror Realm

Inspired from @boozye 's writing, "MC is trapped in the mirror realm but isn't worried about it"! (Older Brothers) (Younger Brothers)

However, this focuses more on scientist MC inside the mirrors- they are a menace and I love them all the more for it. Not as joke-y as usual, tried for an unerved, slightly paranoid feel so heads up.

GN MC (switches from 3rd PPOV to 1st ppov)

Word count: 1.4 k

MC dries off their hair and looks around their room, still a little unnerved by the silence. Everyone was long asleep; even Lucifer had come to check up on MC one last time over 4 hours ago. The side effects must be lingering, because MC was reluctant to even lay in bed. So instead they went to their coffin bookcase and pulled out the notebook taped under the lowest shelf. They walk back to their desk, open it to a clean page and subconsciously choose a pen in their most comforting color.

Experiment Catalog 17: The Mirror Realm

Preliminary Notes:

This is what we in the field would report back as "impromptu experiment conducted under less than ideal conditions". Uhh so long story short, Solomon and I were fucking around with portals and when we tried to physically combine 2 spells it backfired pretty bad. Solomon was forcefully pulled into the 7 circles of hell and when I tried to grab him I was yanked into the mirror realm. Luckily I found my way to the House of Lamentation pretty quickly, and when I told them what was going on they were able to summon Dia, Barbs, and the angels.

Since I seemed okay, Barbatos and Simeon went to help Solomon in the 7 circles. He may be a strong sorcerer but even the 7 circles were going to push his limits, and with Barbatos and Solomon both gone, I was stuck in the mirror for a few days until they got back and recovered. I tried to find out as much as I could while I was on the other side, but since I didn't have my notebook I'm just going to try to write down as much as I remember.

Observations:

I could jump to, and appear on, any mildly reflective surface. Spoons, glass, mirrors, even water bottles under the right lighting. But the thing is, the clarity of the surface directly correlates to how I feel being in that "spotlight". A foggy mirror would make me disoriented, elongated and curved surfaces like spoons would make me dizzy- like vertigo.

There mirror realm is... flat. I couldn't go left or right, only turn in those directions. It was like I was walking a long, pitch black corridor with random spots of light surrounding me- these lights were the surfaces I could appear on.

There was also no "floor" or gravity for that matter. If I confidently took a step up like there were stairs, I would move upwards and reach higher spots of light.

Everything was kind of topsy turvy. The location of the spots of light didn't correlate at all with the location in the real world- there was a bathroom mirror and the planetarium glass right next to each other. I could jump from Asmo's hand mirror to Lucifer's study in 3 steps but need to walk for 10 minutes to reach my room again.

Speaking of Asmo, that first day he carried around a gilded hand mirror with roses and vines so I could visit him at any time. I was kinda loving my "Barbie and the Diamond Castle" moment.

I could speak normally but they said there was an echo to my voice.

The reflections of the brothers would only appear next to me when they were in sight of the reflective surface- accurate to height even if I could only see their faces through the "mirror". The reflections felt like real people- soft and squishy, made of skin at the minimum- but they were cold, quite literally. They didn't breathe and they didn't have a pulse. I made sure to check for mine, so I was never technically dead. That should count for something, right?

I tried watching TV with Levi for a while but there was something alluring about the shows he would put on. I could have sworn the characters were looking right at me. Since the show reflected into the mirror as well, it felt like I could just walk right in...

Beel tried to feed me, and while the food did appear as a reflection next to me, I couldn't taste it- I still pretended to eat because he seemed really worried.

I wasn't hungry, I was never tired and I didn't need to sleep in the mirror realm. The first night, they tried to stay awake with me, but they all eventually fell asleep. I walked around for a bit and watched them sleep peacefully.

I wonder if this is how Lilith felt.

When I got bored I went back to my room. I stayed there for a while, fiddling with items to see if I could get them to appear in the mirror or affect them in the real world, when I became acutely aware of someone watching me. I could have sworn I felt breathing on my neck, but of course there was no one there. The darkness and silence must have been making me paranoid.

I don't know where my reflection clone was.

I don't understand the logic of the mirror realm. People would always show up of course, but when animals were reflected, they were always scaled up (I hauled ass to a different mirror when a spider crossed the mirror, that bitch was 3 times my height 💀 Im never going to the attic again if Belphie isn't there)

There are gaps in my memory. Whenever the brothers thought it would be funny to cover the surface I was in and send me into the darkness, there is a little gap. Do you know in a videogame, when the character dies and they disintegrate, the screen going black before the character reappears like nothing happened? I know what that feels like now.

I think I'll try harder to keep my game characters alive.

I lost my concentration once and "fell". I really thought I was going to die. I must have fallen for over 10 minutes before I ended up on the lake by Diavolo's castle- I had recognized the reflection of the gazebo and that had stopped my fall. I wonder how long it would have gone on if I hadn't seen it.

Text looks weird but I don't have trouble reading it. It felt like one of those visual puzzles where as long as the first and last letters were in the right place, your brain automatically fits the right words to the image. The one thing I couldn't read where numbers- everything would go fuzzy the harder I tried.

Oh, and there was something else. It wasn't exactly a corridor. There were layers to the path- portals of light I couldn't reach and would require going in directions I could physically not move in. I thought I saw my human friends in one of those. In another I thought I saw the Celestial realm.

Dark surfaces were fine to cross, but when I crossed a black mirror, voices started whispering threats and loving promises in the same breath. I climb around those now.

I didn't want to ask for help, and I knew they didn't forget about me, but I really wish Solomon and Barbatos would hurry up.

One night I tried breaking the mirror from my side, just to see if it would do anything. Sometimes the entire room was reflected, other times only items I tried to grab. I never found the pattern. Mammon eventually came to find me, I told him I was just wanted to see how noisy I could be within the mirror. Mammon said it was very faint, even though he was only one room over. So if I was killed, I guess they wouldn't hear me...

Theoretically of course.

There was nothing in there with me after all.

-----

MC stares at the last line until their eyes burn. They look back up and catch a glimpse of the mirror across from their bed. They'd never been the superstitious type but ever since coming back they threw a blanket over it every night and when they were in the room alone. They close the notebook and tape it back into place before deciding to sleep with Belphegor in the planetarium. They've had enough of confined spaces for a while.

"I don't think I like the mirror realm all that much."

#the second i realized i couldnt see my reflection person would be when i start scrambling to get out as soon as possible #im not gonna fight a mirror me because I know theyd beat me up so fast #yes i included a picture of MCs room in game bc i promise I didnt just mention a coffin bookcase because I like dark/emo/goth aesthetic #omswd #obey me shall we date #obey me scientist mc #scientist mc #Scientist!MC

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wintrcaptn · 4 years

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Forbidden Ch. 2 | Andy Barber

Summary : Summary : You used to babysit Jacob when he was younger and had the biggest crush on his dad, Andy. But being in High school at the time, you knew it was just a stupid fantasy that could never happen. Now, six years later, you were visiting your hometown while on winter break. Once you found out the news about Jacob, you knew you had to go check up on them. But things take a turn when you find yourself alone with Andy Barber.

Part One

A/N : I wasn’t planning on making a second part for this fic, until now. Thank you all for the amazing feedback! I hope you like this one just as much (:

You barely slept last night, all you could think about was the kiss. About the way Andy held you close to him, and how his tongue danced along yours.

It was driving you crazy, wishing you could taste him again. To feel him.

But you also couldn’t help feeling horrible. Like the worse person in the world. And it didn’t help that you were seeing him again in just a few hours.

It was beginning to make you nervous. To the point where you almost wanted to cancel and forget the whole thing.

But you knew you couldn’t do that to Jacob.

Staring at your reflection, you let out a long sigh.

“It’s just one more night.” You said to yourself.

____

Pulling up to the Barber’s house, you were washed over with guilt and filled with anxiety. Not knowing how this was going to play out, made it even worse.

What if Laurie found out?

What if Andy regretted kissing you?

A thousand questions flooded your mind and it was starting to freak you out.

Jacob saw your car through his blinds and immediately ran downstairs. Excitement plastered over his face. It caught Andy’s attention.

“You okay there, buddy?” He asked, flipping through the channels on the tv.

“Y-yeah.” Jacob said, walking over to the door. “Y/N’s here.”

The second your name fell from his sons lips, Andy stood up and shot his gaze to the window.

You saw the door swing open, and Jacob stood in the door way with a cheeky grin. And just then, you knew you had to suck it up and focus on being there for him.

“Hey!” You said, climbing out of your car.

“Hi!” He exclaimed.

Andy tensed up the closer you got. Part of him felt guilty for what happened, and especially for wanting to kiss you again.

This wasn’t who he was. He wasn’t a cheater, someone who would go behind his wife’s back and betray her trust. He hated himself for letting it get to this. But he couldn’t help it. He wanted you.

As you walked into the house, you tried hard to only focus on Jacob. But in the corner of your eye, you saw his figure. Suddenly, your gaze met his and instantly, your breath hitched.

“H-Hi.” He said, hesitantly walking over to you.

You swallowed hard, but found some courage in you to snap out of the daze and collect yourself. “Hi.” You replied.

“So I was thinking we can order pizza and put on a movie or something while I set up the game? Like old times?” Jacob muttered, looking at you then back to his dad. “You’re going to play too, right?”

“Um—if Y/N is okay with it.”

Both of the Barber boys turned their gaze on you, putting you on the spot.

“Of course I’m okay with it.” You said. “Is Mrs. Barber joining us or—?”

“No, she had some errands to do.” Jacob interrupted you. “She said she’ll be home later though.”

You could tell something was off. The second day in a row, and they weren’t together? This wasn’t like them.

For as long as you could remember, they made every effort to be together.

“I’ll get the game. Dad, can you order the pizza?” Jacob’s voice snapped you back to the moment.

But before either of you could respond, Jacob turned around and ran up the stairs, leaving you alone with Andy.

You hesitantly looked over to him, and his eyes were already on you.

It was crazy how much power a stare held over you. It made your heart pound erratically, and it was hard to think straight.

The silence was driving him crazy. He wanted to know—needed to know what you were thinking. And he couldn’t take it anymore.

“Can we talk about—you know.” He whispered, walking over to you.

Each step he made, growing closer to you, things were beginning to feel hotter and constricting.

“Th-there’s nothing to t-talk about, Mr. Barber—“

“Andy.” He cut you off, now standing just right in front of you. His eyes looking longingly into yours, almost as if he were searching for something. “Please, call me Andy.”

You swallowed hard. “Andy, please. Can we just pretend it didn’t happen?”

“I can’t. I tried, but I can’t stop thinking about it, about you. And—and I don’t think I want to stop.”

As you opened your mouth, you were instantly silenced after the sound of footsteps grew nearer.

Andy cleared his throat and quickly walked back toward the kitchen, pulling out his phone to order the pizza.

Finally, you were able to let out a breath you didn’t even know you were holding.

“Okay, I got monopoly and Pictionary Incase mom comes home early.” Jacob smiled.

“Perfect.”

After a few hours, the three of you filled yourselves with pizza and soda, while playing the game.

Sitting there with you and Jacob, watching the way you both laughed and talked, it was invigorating. In this very moment, Andy watched his son be a kid again and that’s all he ever wanted.

Everything felt normal. Like how it used to be. Before it all went to shit.

You all talked like no time has passed. Cracking jokes, and teaming up with Jacob, buying all the properties so Andy had to pay.

It was perfect.

“So did you ever finish reading the Harry Potter series?” You asked, rolling the dice.

Jacob nodded, flashing a smile as he remembered how much you used to love those books.

“Yea. They were good. Still not my favorite but—“

“Not your favorite?! Dude, Harry Potter is amazing and it has everything!”

Andy listened to you both go back and forth, a smirk plastered on his face.

“Ok well how about the next time in town, we have a Harry Potter movie marathon? I’m sure those will change your mind.”

“Fine!”

Laurie finally came home around seven. She looked even more exhausted than yesterday, and a little upset.

She said a soft hello, gave Jacob a kiss on the head and went straight upstairs, barely giving Andy a glance.

Then suddenly, it was back to reality.

Though you were able to distract Jacob for a bit, nothing could make him forget the truth. And for that, he needed some time to himself.

“I-I’m getting tired, so I think I’m going to lay down for awhile.” He said, propping up to his feet. “Thanks for coming over. I had fun. Maybe we can do it again soon?”

You flashed him a soft smile, and nodded before pulling him in for a hug. “Yeah, definitely.”

And just like that, he ran up to his room, leaving you alone with Andy. Again.

Andy sat on the couch, running his hands through his hair. Tired, upset, confused. There were too many different emotions running through him, it was starting to become overwhelming.

You decided to clean up the mess before leaving.

“Y-you dont have to do that.” He said, gazing at you.

“It’s okay. It’s the least I could do since you fed me the past two days.” You chuckled.

He chuckled along with you, and helped with the dishes. Not another word but glances were shared.

And every time you looked at him, the more you yearned to feel him. But you knew you shouldn’t.

He leaned against the counter once everything had been cleaned. His arms crossed over his chest.

There had only been one constant thing roaming through his mind; He can't be having feelings for another woman. He just can't.

But no matter how hard he tries to push his feelings aside, he couldnt. It wasn’t making any sense. Why couldn’t he shake this? Why couldn’t he let this go?

Before he had time to process anything, something overcame him and suddenly it all came out like word vomit.

“These past few weeks have been shit.” He said, staring at his feet. “And I have been losing my mind over everything that’s been going on until—“

Andy paused, meeting your gaze. “You showed up out of nowhere and—I don’t know.”

You weren’t sure what to do or say but stand there.

“It’s like I’ve been drowning, and kissing you—kissing you was like coming up for fresh air. I was able to breathe again.”

Every word that fell from his lips only made you want him more. Not only physically, not just feeling him or tasting him, you wanted him. All of him.

And he wanted you.

How did this even happen? You hadn’t seen each other in years and after a day, it was instant. Like it had come out of a movie.

He slowly started towards you, and the way he locked his gaze on you, it was almost as if he hungered for you.

Your breath hitched to the back of your throat, scared to move a single muscle.

“Just tell me to stop, and I’ll let this go.” His voice was low, almost like a growl and it only made you want him more.

Without realizing, he stood just inches in front of you, towering over you. Forcing you to crank your neck up so you could gaze into him.

You slightly opened your mouth, knowing you should say no, but no words came out.

The silence was all he needed, and suddenly, his rough hands cupped the back of your head and crashed his lips against yours.

Everything felt still like time had froze. And you were lost in the moment. Lost in his kiss, quickly motioning back and caving into him.

Soft grunts escaped him as he deepened this kiss, while his hands slid down to your waist. Without thinking, he lifted you off the ground, and your legs wrapped around him.

Andy could feel himself grow harder by the second. Yearning to feel more of you. All of you.

Your fingers were deep in His hair as your lips molded against his. You were both so caught up in each other, taking every second in.

He sat you on the counter, and swiftly took off his shirt, exposing his bare chest.

Your fingers traced over him, making its way down to the button of his jeans.

Feeling you getting closer to his already hard shaft, made him shiver under your touch. And damn, he wanted you.

His lips never left yours, sucking, biting and tugging at your bottom lip, forcing soft moans out of you.

The kiss had been everything you ever dreamt of. Possibly even better.

You were so drenched, you knew your panties had been soaked completely. But you could care less.

You could feel yourself pulsate between your legs where he stood. Your body yearned to feel him. To feel all of him, inside of you.

Andy could sense just how badly you wanted him. It turned him on even more, ready to give in and pound into you. He kissed you harder, showing you that he wanted you just as badly.

Everything moved so quickly, you almost didn’t realize you were both unbuttoning your shirt and with your next breath, Andy pulled the shirt off of you.

You were both lost in each other. Lost in the moment, caving into one another.

His lips began traveling down to your neck. His grazed his tongue over your skin just before he his teeth pressed into you and forced another moan out of you.

He loved hearing you. It made his dick twitch under his boxers, begging to be inside of you.

Until...

“Dad, can you bring up a glass of water for me?” Jacob asked, leaning over the railing of the stairs.

“Y-Yeah buddy. I’ll be right there.” He called out.

Andy swallowed hard as he grabbed his shirt from the floor, while you both breathed heavily.

You mirrored his actions and slipped your shirt back on. Feeling your heart beat rapidly in your chest.

This was wrong on so many levels. You were slowly falling for a guy who was older than you and worst of all, married.

“I’m so sorry, this was a mistake.” You said, starting for the front door.

Andy was torn, knowing he should’ve never crossed the line, but it was too late. There was no turning back now. And though it wasn’t right, he didn’t want to go back.

And for that, he hated himself even more.

“Y/N wait, please.”

Tears began to well in your eyes, as a lump formed in your throat. This felt worse than a break up. Worse than anything you had been through which you weren’t sure as to why.

“We can’t do this Andy, you’re married.” You forced out. “Laurie is literally upstairs.”

He had forgotten that she was in the room. Being with you, was like having tunnel vision and all he could focus on was you.

“Fuck.” He exhaled, pinching the bridge of his nose. “What the hell am I doing?”

The tears had stained your cheeks and in that moment, you were broken.

“This was a mistake.” You repeated. “You’re just hurt and confused, this isn’t your fault. I shouldn’t have—“

“Don’t you dare blame yourself for this.” He cut you off. “This is bad timing, I know. But I’m not confused.”

You wanted nothing more than to believe him. But how could you with all things considered?

“Dammit.” You whispered to yourself. “I can’t do this.”

With that, you grabbed your bag and left without saying goodbye.

Andy knew letting himself feel this way to begin with was wrong. But why did it feel so good? Kissing you, holding you, feeling you pressed against him.

Being with you, he could finally breathe. It was like coming up for air.

——

Chapter Three sneak peek

Chapter Three

#chris evans #defending jacob #defending jacob fanfiction #andy barber fanfiction #andy barber x reader #andy barber imagine #andy barber #chris evans x reader #chris evans imagine #steve rogers #marvel #cevans

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aegialia · 3 years

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self-indulgent reflection on being on tumblr

so i recently hit 1000 followers on here and this blog has existed for almost exactly 8 years, so i wanted to ramble about tumblr and my experience of it for awhile. under the cut so definitely feel free to ignore this.

i started this blog right around when i was fourteen and had just started high school. at that point, i was out to my parents (and no one else) as bi, i had an inkling i was Struggling with something but i had no idea what and felt like i couldnt actually acknowledge it, and i had left leaning but very vague politics. tumblr definitely has shaped my journey around sexuality/gender/mental health/politics, both for good and for ill.

for good:

seeing other ppl talk about being lesbians helped me realize i could be a lesbian w/o being a traitor to the concept of bisexuality. hearing trans ppl talk about their experiences and explaining non-binary stuff and dysphoria helped me understand what i was going through

i don’t like talking about my mental health stuff in detail on here, but suffice to say, i was Going Through it in high school. i’m still going through it now, but i am in a much better place (thank you medication and 7 years of therapy!). seeing ppl talk about the weird, dumb, awful parts of mental illness let me acknowledge that i was going through those things too, that i wasnt like evil for feeling like that, that i could change. people talking about adhd/autism was particularly helpful---being able to identify why i’d always felt like my brain just didn’t work right is the first step in the (ongoing) process of not hating myself for the way my brain works

politics is definitely the area where i think tumblr was the best for me. i got exposed to so many opinions i definitely wasn’t hearing in school, from intelligent, well-read people who could articulate theory in ways i could understand. tumblr didn’t give me my politics and i didn’t learn everything i know about theory from it, but the communities of people i was around pointed me in the right directions. tumblr was also a good place to learn how to react to criticism. this doesn’t seem to be most people’s experience, but getting called out over minor things on tumblr genuinely helped me learn how to take a step back, look at my behavior, apologize, and try to change, which, as it turns out, is a helpful skill irl as well

for ill:

wrt sexuality and gender, it’s probably pretty obvious someone who’s journey is ‘cis bi girl -> cis with a million different microlabels -> nb w a million different microlabels for both sexuality and gender -> nb butch lesbian who’s not super into romance’ would have some bad times on tumblr. the bi circles i was in made being a lesbian seem like an immoral choice, the ‘’’mogai’’’ (or whatever u wanna call them) circles made me feel like i had to divy up and perfectly label every aspect of myself in a way that really wasn’t helpful for me, the lesbian circles i was in made me feel like being a lesbian was about ending up in a monogamous butch/femme cottagecore relationship and that there was something wrong with me for not really wanting that. to be clear i think microlabels can be very helpful for people/a monogamous butch/femme relationship is a perfectly fine thing to want, they just didn’t work for me. im very very glad ive reached a point in my life where i dont feel the need to stay up to date on the latest discourse and am more focused on finding a way to exist that is comfortable for me and supporting my community irl. 10/10 would recommend to everyone

not going to get deep into it, but social media is. not good for my brain in general. i still enjoy using tumblr, but these days im pretty careful to step back from it frequently and treat it as an occasional hobby.

the cons of political stuff on tumblr are probably also very obvious. there are some just awful discussions on here and the culture surrounding the way we handle bad behavior and justice and accountability and working to become a better person and make up for the harm you’ve caused has historically been fucking awful and trying to unlearn it and find new ways to engage with this stuff is exhausting.

for all that i’ve changed over the course of having this blog, this blog has stayed pretty fucking static. i started out being super into diana wynne jones and the iliad and those are still two of my biggest interests and things i talk about the most on here. there are definitely specific things that have petered away (i started this blog almost entirely to keep up with good omens fan stuff and i pretty much haven’t touched it since the miniseries came out, i haven’t sought out pacific rim/supernatural/elementary/mcu content in years), but im still pretty much interested in the same things. i like relatively small fandoms, i like weird side characters, i like to be a grumpy child playing with my toys in the corner. when a fandom im in gets popular, i tend to stop engaging with it entirely (hello rqg/tma/good omens/enola holmes!). i dont think its a pretentious ‘i liked it before it was cool’ thing so much as a ‘people get Weird and awful when a fandom hits a certain level of popularity and there’s too much content and i really, really hate the bad faith arguments larger fandoms tend to spawn’ thing. i’ll consume content from big fandoms, but i pretty much refuse to actually engage with them at this point.

one of the stranger parts of my experience of tumblr is the social side. i’ve never really known how people make friends online---how do you go from liking each other’s posts and occasionally replying to them to actually being friends who communicate off social media? i’ve had conversations with ppl on tumblr and i’ve had sort-of friendships that are contained to tumblr where i’d like to get to know them better, but i’ve never figured out how to do that. my best friend’s job is pretty much to make friends/connections on the internet (she’s an activist and artist), my dad knows people everywhere in the world from twitter, and i’m just sitting here like a little old grandpa who doesn’t understand how you can have internet friends.

at this point in my life, i’m fine with this, but this has made me feel real fucking bad in the past---like, if everyone online, even the ppl who say they’re weird and brainbad in a similar way to me, can make friends on the internet, what’s wrong with me? particularly in high school and my first year of college, when i was just horribly lonely all the time, it made me feel super disconnected and like there was something fundamentally bad about me. these days, i’m a lot chiller about it. i use social media to engage with stuff i enjoy and share my thoughts about it. it’s okay that my social difficulties extend to me not knowing how to use the internet to socialize.

on a somewhat related topic, it’s wild that i have 1000 followers. obviously, that’s not an actually super large number and a huge number of them are probably bots or inactive. if you post consistently for eight years and follow lots of people, like i do, it’s not a surprise to end up with this many followers. it is also, thankfully, the sort of followers that are not fans. probably most ppl following this blog dont remember why they followed and dont know anything about me or my interests. this sounds like its meant to be depressing but it’s not. i like that my way of engaging w the internet lets me do pretty much whatever i want and no one will care. the mere concept of being. like. tumblr famous in any capacity, even just in one community/fandom, is viscerally horrifying to me.

i really enjoy the space i’ve created for myself on here. on one hand, going back through my blog is obviously embarrassing and full of hating my past self. on the other hand, i now have a very nice collection of things i enjoy in this blog. i like seeing what i’ve been interested in and (when i’m in a good mental health place) i like to be able to remember how i thought and talked about the things i loved when i was younger. im not at the place in my life where i can love a younger version of myself, but sometimes i can laugh at zir with a level of fondness.

i’ve always been paranoid about sharing details about my life on here (and the fact that my parents have always been able to see it certainly contributed), so the version of jack on here is a carefully curated version, who’s super enthusiastic about the things they love, was very conscientious about apologizing and trying to do better when ze messed up, and tried to be polite to others. that’s a younger version of myself that i’m closer to being able to have compassion for than the version i find in essays and poems and memories.

i’m starting grad school in ten days and i’m still using the blog i started when i began high school. tumblr has helped me in a lot of ways and hurt me in a lot of ways, but i still have to admit that it’s been a significant factor in shaping me. i’d be incredibly embarrassed to admit that irl, but it’s true. other than my family and like one friend, this blog is one of the only things that’s ‘known’ me since i started high school. i’ve changed so much in that time and im glad to have this weird little record of myself throughout those changes, even if i’d probably warn my younger self away from tumblr if i could go back in time.

tl;dr i have had a mixed experience on tumblr and i have mixed feelings about that experience. no idea if anyone read any of this very long, very rambling internet memoir

p.s. fun facts about this blog:

i’ve never changed my icon or blog title

i recently got a second version of the poster i got my blog title from. i chose my blog title by looking at what was hanging on the wall directly in front of me.

my original url was gloomthkin. this was not, as you’d probably assume, an otherkin thing. i had literally no idea what otherkin was at that point. i’d just learned the word gloomth from a bill bryson book and thought it would be cool n edgy to be the child of the quality of gloom. i changed my url after i learned what otherkin was and realized everyone probably assumed something about me that wasn’t true which i hated (not bc i had an issue w otherkin, just bc i don’t like ppl thinking untrue things about me)

during my good omens days, i once sent a tumblr ask to nail guyman which, in retrospect, was kinda rude. i stand by the content but id never send an ask like that now. he replied to it privately in a way that so deeply embarrassed and shamed 15 year old me that i’ve never gotten over it. i still get nervous and embarrassed when i see anything about him or his books

#gloomth and circumstance #this is definitely not required reading!#i just felt like rambling for a very long time about my feelings and my blog #w bonus blog trivia at the bottom that amuses me and probably no one else

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witchcraft-in-wonderland · 3 years

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Radio Silence (Pt.1)

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Logan Devros was a very odd man, short, not particularly fit, with round black glasses that just barely left room for the rest of his face, and a rather large gap just between his teeth. But there was one thing that stood out more about Logan than any physical feature. Logan was mute, except when he had his hands on a radio.

Logan had always been a very inquisitive child, and at age sixteen he'd discovered something very much convenient, radio waves could be manipulated from an outside source to connect the words stored within into a neat string of sentences. He knew of course that other devices could do this just as effectively, but he liked to think that his own discovery was much more sentimental.

Another thing that was quite well known about Logan, was his prowess in terms of guitar, he couldnt tell stories with words, so instead he told them with strings, and what stories they were.

You could always tell what mood he was in by the songs he played, a low and somber tone brought in questions about his life and living conditions, a high and energetic tone gathered crowds of excited people, ready to toss a coin or a dollar into a guitar case which lay in front of a bar stool.

Logan lived in a small town, so it was no surprise that he knew all his patrons, and they knew him just as well.

But soon things began to change, people began moving away to bigger and better things, opportunities opened up in large cities with loud noises and bright lights that made Logan's skin crawl just thinking about them.

And so the crowds dwindled, until what had once been at least a hundred, was hardly more than a handful.

So Logan had stopped playing, it didnt make any sense to spin stories that no one would listen to, after all, he was quite tired of that from his childhood as it was.

So he stayed in his room, head resting on a desk as the sun peaked through the curtains, tapping his fingers and twisting dials on a radio, repeating the same phrases over and over again.

Alone

Sad

Forgotten

Worthless

Like some cruel melody that would never make it's way to the strings of the old guitar laying on his bed, just those four words, over, and over, until he got up to eat or sleep or whatever else required him to leave his room for a few seconds.

And it all came crashing further down within the next month, the town was all but abandoned, and was soon on it's way to being bulldozed into an amusement park.

Which meant Logan had to move.

So he took his four favorite words, and he wandered the streets for the next few days, not daring to think of all he had to give away to simply move somewhere safer.

Not daring to think of the memories.

Not daring to think of the people, the family he'd be leaving.

And two years later it still hurt, but at least now he could use a few new words.

Order up!

Refill at table seven!

Have a good day!

The bakery and boarding house he'd found himself situated in had been a very ironic bittersweet opportunity.

Patton Boleyn had inherited the company from his parents, he was very chatty, and very interested in Logan's radio, and his music. Logan would sometimes play for the patrons when he wasnt serving, that seemed to satiate the obvious hunger for violence that swam in the eyes of those just itching for a reason to gain money rather than spend it.

Patton didnt seem to mind that Logan only spoke through radio waves, and for the most part neither did the locals, it was only ever tourists that seemed to have trouble understanding that he could very easily hear their orders despite not being able to repeat them back.

"Pretty good haul tonight huh Logie?" Patton said as he checked the register.

New books replied the radio, Logan smiling as he counted out his share of that nights earnings.

"Oh! That reminds me, theres a book club starting tonight! I think you should go," Patton smiled, Logan froze slightly.

No socializing protested the radio, Patton pouted slightly.

"Just try it out? You barely interact with anyone but me, it's not good for you!" Patton nudged Logan slightly in the arm.

Logan let out a resound sigh, one of the few sounds he could make without static.

One night replied the radio, and despite the distinctly hyper-tone of the song the words had been pulled from, Logan's expression conveyed disdain for the idea.

And yet, soon enough he was sitting in a library, wishing he'd remembered to get a hair cut when the resident little old lady had commented on how nice it looked, checking every few seconds to make sure the black beanie he was wearing still sat securely on his head.

The radio was held tightly to his chest, hidden behind a large black hoodie, and emitting a faint buzz that he hoped was another case of his ears picking up the Forbidden Sounds that most couldnt hear.

The only discussion occurring seemed to be of what to read, and how you should interpret what you're reading. Logan thought about drifting off soon after someone mentioned how the color of someones curtains could be used to determine what mental illness they might be suffering from, until someone else spoke up.

"Cheryl I hope you are aware that the words that just came out of your mouth may very well be the dumbest sentence ever constructed by a person." Logan looked across the table to see a man in a torn denim vest and black tank top leaning over the table, honey-colored eyes staring down the woman across from him.

"You cant tell that someone suffers from a disorder based purely on their curtain color, and while those suffering from certain illnesses may be more inclined to pick colors that would be less than ideal, but would reflect how they feel, a man hanging up the color black hardly indicates a depressive state so much as a fear of the unknown, which you would know had you actually finished the chapter and reached the part where he's confronted with a rip in the curtains that allows him to see what goes on outside his home," said the man, straightening up and checking his nails through fingerless black leather gloves. The woman across from him seemed floored.

Logan let out an involuntary snicker, and froze up immeadietly as attention became refocused on him. He felt like putty under the gaze of those honey yellow eyes.

"Am I to assume you agree then?" Said the man, leaning his head on his hand and letting his elbow rest on the table.

He reminded Logan somewhat of a snake, from his eyes, to the pattern of brown and tan that made of his complexion.

Yes came the radio from behind Logan's jacket.

"Oh it's that little mute boy from the bakery!" Logan's face flushed with color at the comment from somewhere else in the room.

"I believe his name is Logan." Snarled the man in the denim vest.

Logan spent the rest of the meeting wishing he could disappear again, because it seemed that now that they were aware he was here, people interrupted conversation of books with questions about his personal life and how awful it must be to have no voice to speak with, to which he replied with a quick rendition of his favorite song by Lilly Allen from the radio.

Eventually it was over, but to Logan's momentary dismay, he was stopped before he could head home, only to discover the man from before had been the one to catch his attention.

"I'm Janus by the way," he said simply.

Nice to meet you the radio chimed, Logan flashing a small smile to accompany the words.

"Wanna head back to my place for a drink or two? I feel kind of bad about what happened in there," Janus said, Logan merely nodded.

What he hadnt expected from Janus' house, was the very active roommate he had roomed with.

"Oh I didnt realize he was so tiny! Janus look at him I could probably hold him over my shoulder with one arm!" The roommate, Remus, was rather tall and lanky, almost like if someone had taken a worm on a string and given it limbs.

I am not short replied the radio as Logan crossed his arms and glared up at Remus.

"Aaawww, hes in denial," Remus replied.

This conversation carried on for a short while before Janus arrived with drinks, not that Logan minded, it was actually kind of fun.

And he found himself thinking that Janus and Remus themselves were actually quite nice as well.

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#cori writes #radio silence #ts patton #ts remus #ts logan #ts janus #tw ableism #intruloceit #romantic intruloceit

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namfine · 4 years

Text

◐ | 𝕬𝖛𝖆𝖗𝖎𝖙𝖎𝖆 : 𝕋𝕙𝕖 ℂ𝕣𝕠𝕤𝕤𝕣𝕠𝕒𝕕 | ◑

Greed is an uncontrolled longing for increase in the acquisition or use: of material gain; or social value, such as status, or power.

- - ┈┈∘┈˃̶༒˂̶┈∘┈┈ - -

Γ pairing: Jung Hoseok x Reader

Γ word count: 5.2k

Γ summary: When you’re in need of some quick, flashy jewelry for an event, what better place to go than a pawn shop? However when nothing catches your eye, the shop owner shows you something that you absolutely must have. But when the pricing is much more than you anticipated, you think of another way to get it. Just how far are you willing to go for a bargain?

Γ tags: 18+, hoseok x reader, unprotected sex, oral (f), monster fucking kinda, sexual bribery(?) (if you couldnt tell, you fuck for the jewelry), he cums in you lmao, ripped panties, hair pulling, demon au, seven deadly sins au

Γ part: 3 of 7 of our Seven Deadly Sins Milestone Challenge.

⋫ Link to Master List here

Γ a/n: Welcome to part 3 of our seven deadly sins! Hope you guys aren’t too full from reading gluttony because now it’s time for a little greed. Things get a lil more freaky deaky in this chapter so I hope you all enjoy it! A new chapter will be released everyday so please look forward to the remaining sins! As always, thot on, sinners ;)

-Fizzy ԅ(♡﹃♡ԅ)

When you had first stepped into the pawn shop, you were immediately taken aback. You were so used to seeing the stereotypical dirty, everything out of place, type shops on tv that you were expecting it to be the same in person. However you were surprised to say the least, when the faint smell of sage drifted through your nose, and if you concentrated hard enough you could pick out scents of leather as well.

You slowly walked through the shop, eyes flicking to and fro because everything seemed to catch your attention. From the organized shelves of books, to the clear, gold rimmed cases filled with trinkets, to even the perfectly stocked and alphabetized case of video games and dvd’s. However you walked right past all of those things and more to find the jewelry section.

Tonight you were attending a friend’s art gallery event and while you did have an outfit already picked out, you decided last minute you wanted to buy a new piece of jewelry to bring it all together, because let’s face it, those little pearl earrings were not going to cut it. So when you caught sight of a pawn shop you hadn’t seen before on your street, you decided you would probably find something extravagant but also cheap there. You were only going to wear it for one night after all.

When reaching the front of the store, your eyes flick downward into the clear display full of various jewelry. There were pieces here and there that made your lips purse in consideration but nothing really jumped out at you. Walking towards the right while still looking down, your fingertips dragged across the glass, hoping that something would catch your eye. Too deep in thoughts, you didn’t notice someone calling out to you until your hand softly bumped into someone else’s on the other side of the display.

Your body jumped slightly and you pulled your hand away, an apology ready to come out but dying on your tongue once you looked up and saw who the hand belonged to.

He was absolutely breathtaking, literally, when you looked up at him you swore you felt your breath get lodged in your throat. Your eyes landed on his gentle smile, causing his cheeks to round up into two perfect little circles, his warm eyes made an odd feeling spread throughout your chest- ‘is it a little hotter in here?’-, and his wavy black hair parted down the middle. He seemed ethereal, with his black blazer over the matching shirt and pants. On his ring finger was a bright topaz ring, a gold band surrounding it, the surface glittering softly in the harsh fluorescent lights. It was strange you thought, ‘He seems a little too overdressed for a pawn shop, no?’, his look making your eyebrows furrow slightly together.

He looked to be out of place, like a queen participating in a hot dog eating contest.

“Can I help you with anything?” He inquired softly, tilting his head to the side.

“Uh...,” You shook your head and cleared your throat, trying to gather your thoughts.

“Yeah, I’m looking for a piece of jewelry.” Your eyes glanced down and scanned over the items again. “I uh, have an event later on tonight and I’m trying to find something last minute.” You chuckled sheepishly, looking back up at the handsome man.

“Well what do you have in mind?”

“Not sure, I want it to bring my whole outfit together though.” You smiled thoughtfully, feeling your cheeks warm at the smile you were receiving back.

“What are you wearing? If I see the outfit, I can help you out some more.” So you pulled out your phone, scrolling through your photos to find the picture of the outfit you took a couple of days earlier. It was a simple little long sleeve, black dress, with a v in the back. Your simple heels and pearl earrings were enough to make you presentable, but you really wanted to present yourself.

The man studied it for a few seconds before nodding politely, gesturing to another display case further to your right. Upon reaching it, you noticed this one was filled more with necklaces with a few charms scattered about. While they were more intricate than the ones you were previously looking at, your heart wasn’t really pulling towards any of them.

“See anything you like?” There was something warm about his voice, that just made you feel calm. Which was strange, how could a stranger make you feel this way?

“I’m sorry, not really...these are all very nice though. Thank you anyway.” You glanced up at him, giving a short nod before starting to turn around.

“You know, I might have something for you.” The way he said it made you halt in your tracks. It came out as being helpful but there was something laced underneath it, something that made your body feel like it was being wrapped in chills. You turned back to him and cocked your head to the side, silently urging him to continue.

“Come, I have it in the back room.” He stepped off to the side and pulled open a little door for you. You knew it was odd, him inviting you to the back of the store. Why couldn’t he just go and grab it? Your questions continued to rack your brain, even as you began to walk behind the counter. And when you heard the click of the door locking into place, it was only then that you noticed you were the only person in the store.

As you followed the man to the back, the hallway you were in seemed endless, your heart began to thump in your chest. Your gaze went upwards, the yellow lights above your head casting eerie glows throughout the hallway. You looked at the man's back, watching his shoulders move behind his jacket. Soon enough you couldn’t hear the music coming from the front of the shop anymore, the lights becoming nothing but a small dot. It had seemed you were walking forever but it was only now that you had lost sight of the front. A shadow on the wall caught your attention and as you looked at it, it went away. For a brief moment…

No that’s silly, the lights were just messing with your vision.

But…

For a quick second, it seemed like the shadow of the man had horns protruding from the top of his head.

You scoffed and shook your head, the thought being completely ridiculous.

“Hm? Something funny, y/n?” He looked over his shoulder at you, an eyebrow raised in curiosity.

“Oh ah, I was just thinking about something. Nothing worth mentioning.” You replied, still mainly focused on the wall. He gave a sharp nod, a smile gracing his face before turning back towards the front. Inhaling deeply, you continued following the strange man, until finally, he pushed aside a curtain and you stepped into a room, the sight making your jaw drop in awe.

“This is where I keep my most prized possessions, too valuable for me to put out there for the world to see.” He murmured, delicately swiping his finger over the surface of something on a shelf. You couldn’t quite make out what it was, for something past him got your attention. You took a hesitant step forward, tilting your head to the side, trying to make sense of it.

A throne sat in the back of the room, the seat filled to the brim with gold coins, a few gems and jewels here and there. You could make out a bottle of wine lodged in the center of the pile, the black color popping out intensely against the bright colors of the gold. But upon closer inspection, you noticed there was an orange light, seeming to only shine on the bottle, making you realize that it was a dark red instead. On one of the arms, was a clear crystal skull, dazzling amethysts acting as eyes. As if your awe couldn’t get any bigger, on the top of the throne was a crown, far more extravagant than the ones you had seen previously. It was jewel encrusted all around, but instead of it being gold or silver, this one was stark black. One emerald stood in the middle while tiny versions of it ran around the rim and protruding from the top of it was a bright green snake, poised as if it was getting ready to strike.

The sound of a throat clearing snapped you out of your thoughts.

He chuckled, “Are you alright?”

“Y-yeah, sorry. This room is just wow, it’s amazing. I’ve never seen so many treasures in one room before.” You fingertips pressed to your lips, taking another moment to look around the room once more.

“This is the piece I wanted to show you.” You looked to the left to see him behind a glass counter. When you walked up to it, he had his hands spread out on the glass, giving you a small smirk. Your heart skipped a beat and you bit down on your lip, feeling that warmth go through your body once more. He glanced down and tapped at the glass with a fingernail, the noise making a sharp sound. When you glanced down, you felt a chill go down your spine. On the top of the glass his fingernail looked normal but in the reflection was a sharp black nail instead. Your eyes quickly looked over to his other nails to find them exactly the same; sharp and black. When you looked in the middle of where the reflection of his face should be, you had barely registered relief when you saw his eyes.

There was a sinister yellow glow, gleaming right at you. And if that weren’t frightening enough, the man smiled at you, two sharp canines peeking through. At that, your head snapped back up to look at him, but instead of what you saw in the glass, it was just his normal features. With wide eyes, you opened your mouth to say something but were cut off at once by him placing a yellow velvet box on top, the sound louder than necessary.

He opened the top and you were at a loss for words. The inside was a darker shade of yellow, a small mirror on the underside of the lid, and in the middle was a beautiful necklace. A thin silver chain adorned an oval blood red ruby, four thin, sharp prongs on each side, holding it. The lighting from above made them glimmer, causing a thought to run through your mind that they almost looked like claws. He pulled it out of the box and dangled it in front of his face, the gem swaying gently in front of him.

“That’s beautiful…” You murmured. Your throat felt parched all of a sudden, so you swallowed the ball of saliva forming in your mouth, but it did nothing to quench the growing thirst in your mind.

“How much?” You asked, taking a brief second to flick your gaze over to the man then back to the necklace. From your peripheral you could see a smirk grow on his face, his eyebrow raising up a little. The tip of his tongue peeked out to lick his lips and he leaned in closer to you. Yet, you still couldn’t take your eyes off the gem.

“Well normally the things in this room aren’t for sale, they are for my viewing pleasure only.” He paused, taking in a breath. “But you seemed really desperate to find something so,” He paused again and that was when you finally looked away and at him, catching him eyeing you up and down slowly. When he reached your face, a sly grin appeared.

“$1,000.”

“$1,000? Are you fucking serious?” Your eyes bugged out at his answer and you couldn’t help the harsh tone. However it seemed that the man was unaffected, cocking his head to the side and swinging the necklace delicately. You didn’t know much about gemstones but you were certainly positive that it was an outrageous price, especially for something in a pawn shop.

“I am actually being quite generous with the pricing y/n, normally this goes for much higher value.” His voice took a condescending ring and his eyebrows bunched together. Worry crossed your face, you really didn’t want to pay that much money for something you were only going to wear for tonight but on the other hand you needed this necklace. It was truly something you had never seen before.

You looked at the piece of jewelry once more, staring directly into the center of the ruby. You didn’t know if you were still reeling from hearing the price or if it was really happening but the middle of the gem seemed to be swirling, looking like a mini vortex. Anger flashed through your body and you had half a mind to just snatch it out of his hand and make a run for it. Your fingers twitched at the thought and it appeared that the man noticed, for he jerked his hand up and caught the ruby in his hand. His fingers clasped shut around it, completely obstructing it from your eyes.

“If you think you’ll be able to get away, you won’t. I’ll have you pinned down before your fingers even got to touch this necklace.” He hissed in a low voice and you didn’t miss the way your body shivered at his tone. You pressed your lips together and chose your next words carefully.

“This is a pawn shop isn’t it? Can we negotiate?” As soon as the last word left your mouth, you felt the tension in the room shift. He squinted at you and leaned in closer to your body, staring intensely into your eyes. You tried your best to not look away, your heart beginning to speed up at his close proximity. The corner of his mouth quirked up into a smirk, the action making your breath hiccup in your throat.

“Depends, what are you willing to give?” He muttered, now looking down at your lips. He didn’t even try to hide it, for his gaze lazily rose back up to your eyes. He was so close that you could see details on his face more clearly, like the mole on his top lip or the hint of yellow slowly whirling in the center of his eyes…

Your eyes widened at noticing it but before you could move away, he brushed his fingertips on the top of your hand. He put his other hand next to your faces, letting his fingers open to allow the necklace to drop. It swung before coming to a stop, the want and need of having it coursing through your mind once more.

You needed this, and you were going to get it one way or another.

You pressed forward, feeling just the barest of touches when your lips made contact with his. He didn’t move so you took that as your sign to continue. You closed your eyes, your lips now fully on his and moved against him, small flashes of yellow going off behind your eyelids. You heard the sound of something, the necklace you presumed, clatter against the glass top of the display. His hands gripped the side of your face, now kissing you back with more ferocity. A nip at your bottom lip caused you to gasp, and he took the opportunity to shove his tongue into your mouth.

You felt like your head was clouded, the lightheadedness making you dizzy. A moan slipped past you and your hands wandered up to grip his suit, the material oddly clearing up your mind, acting as a sort of grounding object to bring you back down. You attempted to jerk him towards you, wanting more of his touch, but he dropped one hand off your face and grabbed your wrists, throwing them off of his body. You stumbled a bit forward and smacked a hand on top of the glass to steady yourself, slightly breaking your kiss. You wasted no time in going back, hands going around his neck now, kissing with such hunger and need.

The man used his free hand to knot itself in your hair, he tugged your head back and went to bite at your neck, his teeth making you gasp. Your hands dug into his hair and gave small tugs, your breathy moans urging him to bite harder. You needed more so you tightened your hold onto his hair and pulled him back up to your mouth. Surprisingly he allowed you to do so and when your lips locked, you raised a leg and pushed yourself up on the counter. He moved back to allow you more room, sliding your legs down on the other side and opening them to let him stand in between.

He grabbed your waist and brought you closer to himself, the feeling of his erection against you made a wave of pleasure go to your core. Your legs wrapped around his waist to lock him in and he grinded against you, squeezing your waist every couple of seconds. His hands slid down your thighs, fingernails digging into you. The subtle pain made you gasp against his mouth and you almost moaned out loud again when he pushed your legs apart, using one hand to guide you onto your back.

He reached up to unbutton your jeans and undo your zipper, yanking them down when he finished. He tossed them to the side and put his mouth right over your mound, moving his lips against your skin. Your legs went to lock around his head but he delivered a swift smack to the outside of your left thigh.

“Keep your legs open for me sweetheart.” He mumbled against you and dragged his tongue up your panties. You let out a low moan at the feeling, lightly tangling your hand in his black hair. He didn’t protest so you twirled a few pieces in between your fingers, the silky texture easily sliding between them. He hooked a finger into your panties and pulled them to the side, taking a quick swipe up your folds, the abrupt feeling of his tongue made your voice hitch and your hips to jerk upwards. His finger that was holding your panties, went to the center and you felt a sudden pull and the sound of material ripping. You lifted your head to see what had happened, but he suddenly pulled your folds apart and licked up once more.

“Fuck,” your voice squeaked out, head dropping back onto the glass. He dug in, tongue licking up and down your pussy, his nose nudging your clit every so often. Your legs trembled, wanting to lock around his head and you almost gave in until you felt two sharp points prodding at the inside of your folds. Your legs twitched at the feeling but you brushed it away when his tongue shoved into your hole. An obscene moan left your mouth and you tugged him impossibly closer to your cunt. You felt that same sharp point directly on your clit now, circling around it lightly.

Your pussy clenched around his tongue and it seemed to spur him on, the sharp point now pressing slightly harder on you. It only lasted a few seconds before his thumb replaced it, pressing harshly onto your clit and causing pleasure to travel throughout your body. It circled around you rapidly, his tongue now moving at what seemed like an impossible speed inside you. Soon that familiar tug pulled inside you and your hips rose upwards.

“Pl-please, I’m gonna-!” You didn’t even get to finish your sentence before your orgasm ripped through your body, your mouth open in a silent scream, your pussy spasming around his tongue. You came down from your high, your breath coming out ragged, and looked down at him. He smirked at you, your arousal glistening on his lips. His eyes looked faintly yellow in your hazy vision. You became slightly more aware that there were more points pricking into your thighs, dragging down. You were pulled up and into a kiss, tasting yourself, his hands going to your lower back. He let you go and grabbed a hand, pulling you off the counter. You allowed him to guide you and when you noticed him leading you towards the throne, you felt your already aching pussy clench.

He barely gave you time to settle before he turned you around and pushed you onto the pile of treasure in the center of the throne. You landed on your palms, feeling some coins slide from beneath your hands. You adjusted to resting on your forearms, the wine bottle directly in front of your face. Upon closer inspection of it, you could clearly make out that it was a dark rusty red color, with a faded label on the side. The glint of the crystal skull caught your attention to your left, but you didn’t have time to glance at it, for you felt your shirt being lifted up and over your head. Before you had a chance to settle, the back of your bra was pulled and you felt it give away. A hand went to your front and yanked it away from you, the coolness from the coins brushed against your breasts and nipples, instantly making them harden.

You heard the sound of clothes rustling and heard a muted thump. Giving a quick side glance, you saw his jacket on the floor. The sound of his belt buckle clinking and then it being thrown to the floor had your hole clench. He kicked your legs apart and rubbed his cock in between your folds, hands going to hold onto your waist. You shivered in anticipation, the combination of him spreading your arousal and the cold contrast of the coins made your mouth water.

“Are you ready for me, darling?” One of his hands left your waist to drag down your back, those sharp points you had been feeling making your spine arch up, you were enjoying them at this point. You gave a meek nod and soon he was stretching your walls, bottoming out in no time. Your fingers splayed out and dug into the pile of coins for support, feeling your breasts touch them when he began to move.

He wasted no time in pounding into your cunt, the force of his hips making you moan out like a whore. One hand went to go fist in your hair, twisting it around his wrist for a more secure hold. “Look at you, such a greedy little thing. Such a greedy little whore for my cock..” You bit your lip at his words, your eyelids fluttering closed.

“Do you always fuck strangers for things you want? Are you that desperate for material things? You little slut.” Opening your eyes, you could see his reflection in the bottle, that one orange light highlighting the object perfectly. His form began to slowly shift before your eyes, and even though you were getting the fucking of a lifetime, you were still coherent enough for a wave of fear to travel through your body.

Maybe it was all the bright lights or you were still delirious from your powerful orgasm but soon enough you saw two pointed objects begin to protrude from his head, and a pair of wings slowly sprout from his back. Your chest quivered but yet you couldn’t bring yourself to scream, at least not out of fear. Panic mixed in with euphoria, the idea that you were here having sex with something not of this world oddly made your already sopping cunt, gush even more. When his wings softly flared out, you kept telling yourself you were just imagining it, and even when you felt something soft brush against the sides of your waist, a small part of you prayed that it was just because all of your senses were on overload.

The more you stared at the reflection, the tighter your body became. What was even happening right now, why are you still here? Why had you not pulled away and ran while you still had the chance? As you racked your brain for answers, there was a tiny voice that kept pushing through, telling you what you didn’t want to hear. That throughout all this, there was a familiarity from it all. That you had seen this before; the wings, horns, the aura of the creature. You briefly wondered if you were pulling it from an old horror movie you’d seen a while ago, but it didn’t sit right.

As if sensing the puzzle coming together in your head, several sharp pricks were dug into your waist- you quickly put two and two together with everything happening, and deduced that they were claws- you felt him pierce through your skin, the sudden pain making you gasp out loud. You couldn’t tear your eyes away from the reflection, and the final nail went in when his eyes locked with yours. With a sinister grin, he blinked and two bright yellow eyes stared right into your soul.

With a cry of terror and pleasure, your orgasm came abruptly, your thighs shaking so uncontrollably that your forearms gave out, and you fell against the mountain of coins. You felt him slam into you a couple of more times before his cum filled you up to the brim, feeling it dribble down your legs after he pulled out. You laid there for a couple of seconds to catch your breath, and you were afraid to turn around and be face to face with whatever just gave you an orgasm of a lifetime.

Gathering your bearings, you pushed up and silently counted to three, not bothering to hide the shock on your face when you saw him looking normal. No claws, no horns, no wings, no glowing yellow eyes…

He zipped his pants and picked his belt up from the floor, smiling at your expression. When you still hadn’t said anything, he picked up his jacket and folded it over his arm, heading towards the counter. You reached down for your shirt and bra, fumbling around trying to get them back on. When you finished you still had not said a word, silently going to the counter to reach for your pants that he was holding out to you. You put them on but still couldn’t shake off your feelings.

He chuckled softly at you and picked up the necklace, giving it a soft look before handing it to you. Wordlessly you took it, the cool metal feeling hot in your hands.

“Well, a bargain is a bargain. Sorry about your panties by the way. Are you alright?” He questioned with a laugh, moving a hand up to smooth down his hair. It didn’t even look out of place, completely untouched.

You brushed it off, still confused about everything “Um...I’m-I’m sorry I don’t know what came over me, I-” You stopped and swallowed, the realization that you just fucked a stranger for a necklace setting in. A flash of horror crossed your face, and you almost cried until he shook his head and gave you a small smile.

“Don’t be, we all do crazy things when consumed with greed.” Even though there was a smile on his face, it barely did anything to ease your discomfort.

“The necklace is yours, come, I’ll walk you outside.” He walked around the counter and nodded towards the front, silently following behind him. The walk to the front was shorter than you remember, the yellow lights you recalled being there, now just white. When you stepped out of the backroom, it was still bright outside, and there were still no people inside. It had felt like you spent hours back there.

When you walked out the door, you still felt uneasy. What exactly had you seen in the reflection of the wine bottle? Why was your need for the necklace so intense?

Something clicked in your mind and deciding that you wanted to leave with some sort of dignity, you turned around to ask him a question.

“I’m so sorry, but I just realized I didn’t get your name,” Heat spread across your cheeks but you continued. “I just got…overwhelmed.” You gave a sheepish smile and he smiled back at you.

“My name is Hoseok.” He grins and gives you a small bow.

“Thank you, Hoseok. For um, this.”

“You’re welcome, next time be careful what you bargain for when you want something.” His tone was playful but chideful, and you couldn’t help but give an exasperated laugh. You gave a politeful nod and turned around to head to your car.

“Goodbye y/n, have fun at your event tonight.”

You almost didn’t register what he said, until you did. You hadn’t told him your name. When you turned back to question him, your heart stopped in your chest when the pawn shop was no longer there. Instead it was just an empty, abandoned building. Deciding that you had enough and needed to get out of there, you sped to your car and drove as fast as you could to your house, wanting to get away as soon as possible.

Your nerves relaxed when you reached your house and got ready. The last thing you put on was the necklace, feeling the ruby flare against your skin. You fingered it gently, the memory of fucking Hoseok burned into your brain.

Once you arrived at your friends art event, you immediately fell into the chatter and hustle of everything. Friends were complimenting your outfit left and right, especially the necklace. You met up with your friend, giving her a congratulatory hug and kiss. You were so deep in conversation that you didn’t notice a mutual friend of yours staring at you, or more so your neck. You were about to question what was wrong until she pointed a finger at your neck.

“Y/n, sorry but do you shower with that necklace on?” You bunched your eyebrows together and your hand went up to clutch it.

“No, I just got this today. Why?”

Now your small group of friends were all staring at it, the stares making your face heat up.

“Your neck is turning green.”

You paused for a half second, then took out your phone to access the camera. Sure enough, there was a thin line of green on your skin. As you looked more at the necklace, you noticed small details of rust on the chain and the ruby that was shining so brightly before you left, was now dull and lifeless.

He had tricked you, he had given you a fake.

#bts smut #jhope x reader #hoseok x reader #seven deadly sins #jhope smut #demon au #admin fizzy #bts imagines #bts scenarios

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yeoldontknow · 3 years

Text

🖊writerly conversation tag

tagged by @j-pping to do this amazing interview/reflections tag. of course she put together one of the most amazing tags ever because she is brilliant. thank you for tagging me angel!

questions below the cut!

2020

what was the most challenging part of writing this year?

gosh...i think for me the hardest bit was staying both motivated and inspired. a lot of my inspiration comes from being out in the world. im an introvert but i enjoy being out in the city around the noise and the people and the buildings on my own. the majority of my writing used to be done while riding the subway or on a weekend after id gone out somewhere. a lot of my fics are inspired by locations, and experiences within those locations. being inside for the majority of the year made it hard for me to remember how...people interact with or relate to the spaces around them. so i felt like a lot of the time staying inspired was coming from places within just me that felt inauthentic. i think my writing benefits from my ability to see multiple perspectives, so i felt like a lot of dialogue or writing itself was suffering just coming from me alone. it took a lot of work to ensure that it wasnt like that.

and then, motivation was also so hard. the internet and the news and everything about america, the planet, the everything was unrelenting and draining. we as people were privy to so much trauma this year, to the collapse and fracture of communities, lives, governments. there were several weeks at the end of may and into june where i just...couldnt. i had no energy for anything. it happened again in november after the election and the windfall of it. energetic tensions were so high it just felt so hard to push out words when things were breaking everywhere. like there were more important things i needed to focus on, and healing was one of them.

what was the most enjoyable/rewarding part of writing this year?

i enjoyed the new community of writers/friends i found by writing for bts again. they challenged me and pushed me to better myself. @jamaisjoons is so inspirational in the way she generates community and encourages relationships between storytellers. doing the summer bucket list pushed me out of my hermit hole for camp nano, and i cranked out molotov cocktail and felt so proud of it. it mattered so much to me because it was the first long thing id written after a period of feeling deceased, and it was so enjoyable because there was a sense of community around it. its easy to forget how essential having a support system in your creative community is.

what piece has left the most impact on you and why?

probably ciperion. words cannot express how proud i am of that story and the direction its going in. i read it back sometimes and i realize that my writing was elevated because of that piece. tbh molotov was responsible for that lift, but ciperion was just a whole other tier. ive also never written anything like that story before and it felt so good exploring the themes of seafaring and pirates.

what have you learned about yourself through the process of writing in the past year?

that i absolutely am someone who took for granted how inspiring the world is even if i see it as a stressor. but also that writing isnt necessarily about being inspired. its about pushing on when its hard. some of my best pieces came from that kind of push this year. 2020 felt like...a slog through most of it, but i kept pushing myself to write even when i was low and tired. i realized that some of my best writing comes from that push, when its not easy and when its difficult and i have to think harder. thats where i grow.

how has your writing changed in the past year? how have you grown?

i think im more syntax and detailed focused than i used to be. lately ive been experimenting with making the act of reading feel like pleasure. my favourite books are the ones where i read a sentence, and im moved because it felt nice to read or it felt powerful. the sentence itself had power, not the image it was trying to convey. somehow separate, if that makes sense. theres a lot i need to learn before i could go off comfortably and try to write a book, and this is what ive been trying to master. my attention to detail has grown, and sometimes i think thats a detriment. i think sometimes im too detailed and i dont leave my reader enough power on their own. im still finding that balance, but i think im pleased right now with what im trying to push myself to master.

2021

ignoring your wips for a second, if you had all the time and energy in the world to write your magnum opus piece, what would it be about? why is that the dream story you’d write, all other things controlled for?

ive had two books in my mind forever. one was originally being written as a fanfic in a different fandom before i stopped and realized its too big and so much more important, and is worth being a book id like to write. if i wrote an opus like this it would actually be a book id submit to publishers but ~

- hundreds of years in the future, society has learned how to cure most diseases. for those we cannot, the sick person can be cryogenically frozen for a period of time until a cure is found. there is, however, a limit to the length of time they are frozen. no one has ever been frozen for over 100 years, and the main character is a scientist embarking on the experiment to do just that. it is, effectively, time travel. the main character is rash, selfish, sarcastic - not a very nice person; invested in their work and science and little else. they freeze themselves and wake up in the future. during their time in rehab they have to confront the horror theyve made of themselves, the horror people have made of the future, learn to be vulnerable. they end up falling in love with another scientist etc etc. theres so much more to this story and the world is enormous. one day ill revisit it

- a fictional play on orpheus in the underworld where a female main character’s brother was sold by their mother to the goddess of the underworld (helena instead of hades) for eternal youth. the gods all live in a hotel (the concept of this main thing is being used in elysian fields but its not remotely the same) after they were removed from the heavens. main character (ophelia) must gather several totems from the gods to prove her worth and survive her trip into the underworld to rescue him. id like to not focus on a woman finding romance, and instead a woman finding herself, her strength, her devotion to family, her power, and connecting with her history.

how do you want to grow in your writing this year?

this year id like to find balance, like i mentioned above, with my need for detail and my trust in my readers. the balance between detail and dialogue. i want to try to condense my writing again so not everything is a goddamn series. the ideas i have are huge and thats great but i need to remember how to parse things again, while still maintaining impact.

what’s one thing you’d wish to see in the fan-writing community this year?

i want more community, in general. as a multi fan, i see pockets in the kpop fandom where it exists and im well and truly aware that its recently become incredibly hard to foster on the exo side. ill just say that. maybe i dont witness it or its happening amongst blogs i havent found or have not found me. i want to see less dialogue about ‘popular blogs,’ whatever that means; less focus on notes; less worries about statistics. i want people to remember that fandom is not about numbers, and the moment you make it about that is the moment you stop having fun. i want less fear from writers regarding sharing work they read and liked, less shame around it. i want to see more vocal communication for the things people like and don’t like, more engagement and more interaction. the concept of popular blogs is so ridiculous to me, because no one has any control over the metrics. no one has control over who follows them or reads their work except the person doing the actual reading. i want people to realize they hold so much power - a person with 10k notes has as much power as a person with 2 notes because sharing is what fosters community. i want this fandom to remember to share again.

name one new thing you want to try doing in your writing this year.

gosh i really love postmodernism in writing. think like mark z danielewski, who plays with the shapes of words or the act of holding a book - the physicality of it. id like to maybe write a choose your own adventure, or do something that encompasses multiple platforms. or even, more importantly, finish as still as sound and time runner. those are more reasonable goals. time runner actually is done, i just need to stop pressuring myself about it and edit it to get it up. asas, too, is largely done i just need to get my ass together. i have so many other ideas no one has ever seen i need to finish what ive started. thats a real goal.

tagging: @yehet-me-up @jamaisjoons @kyungseokie @jenmyeons @luffles424 @yoonia @shadowsremedy @chillingkoo @onherwings @inkedtae @ninibears-erigom @imdifferentshadesofpurple @readyplayerhobi @ditzymax @sugaurora @snackhobi @yeojaa @sahmfanficbts @xjoonchildx @johobi and anyone else who wants to do this. as always please only do so if comfortable or you want to!

#writer conversation tag

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love-and-anarchy-au · 3 years

Text

Love & Anarchy: Chapter 21

heyyyy, happy friday!! im so excited about this chapter; i couldnt wait for you to meet all this new (and old) characters! this chapter is the longest yet, so please be patient xd i hope you enjoy this chapter as much as i enjoyed writing it. may i go back to writing l&a 3 <3 have a nice day!

REMEMBER THIS AU HAPPENS IN THE SAME UNIVERSE THAT THIS ONE

Find out what this AU is about here

Masterlist

Tag list: @healing-winston-pratt @honey-hippie-harper @obsidianfr3sk @nodrianbcyes @everyone-has-a-nightmare @magykaldealings @nobellrenaissance @cerenoya @cassin-the-assasin @cindersnightmare

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Words:

36,962 (i meant it xd)

Part 2: A teen named Ace Artino

17 years old Alec

“Are you Leroy Flinn?”

“Yes, that's me.”

Alec smiled, subtly, in a respectful manner, the way James used to smile.

Alec had asked one of the janitors about 12th grader Leroy Flinn, and they (the janitor wasn’t not a he nor a she) had told him he spent most of his time in the outdoor lab, which was practically his’ since he had been showered in acid eight months ago (to avoid going to court over one of their students being burned to the ground, the school had decided to make amends by giving the nineteen-year-old student, Leroy Flinn, his own space). Alec assumed the school didn’t know that Leroy was a prodigy, as if they did, they would have kicked him out; besides, he was already nineteen years old, so Alec supposed he had had to repeat some grade.

The laboratory was very well illuminated and had many windows, from which the air flowed in and out at ease (although that did not prevent the place from having an almost unbearable smell of antiseptic). There were three gray marble tables, with dirty burners and sinks full of test tubes. There were also glass cabinets, from where you could see that there were chemical elements and even stuffed animals. There were a couple of worn out leather stools, one of them being the one in which Leroy Flinn was sitting, using a microscope before being interrupted by Alec’s unexpected arrival.

While Alec wore a long dark coat that was the last present from his best friend (it was hidden in his closet, wrapped in gift paper, with a card that said ‘Congratulations! You have survived seventeen years in this society. Here's a present.’ Alec remembered the lump in his throat, because his birthday was a week away when James died and he decided to look for something to remember him), the long blackish blue sweater with a yellow ‘A’ on it (this had belonged to his girlfriend) and had his hair strictly slicked back with the most expensive gel he could find (in James' apartment), Leroy Flinn wore a pair of ripped and faded jeans, a vintage T-shirt from a band Alexandra would have probably liked and a white lab coat, stained with what Alec suspected, were different types of acid. Leroy had matted, greasy hair, skin riddled with acne and burns, and lab goggles covering his small dark eyes. His attitude reflected how confused he was with Alec's visit.

“I'm Alec James Artino. I have a proposal to make you,” Alec introduced himself and offered Leroy a hand. He shook it. Alec felt calluses on Leroy's hand and even felt a slight itch at contact.

“What do you need, Alec James?” Leroy said, offering him one of the stools. Alec sat down, straight as a ruler.

“Call me Ace, please,” Alec asked and Leroy nodded. Alec continued. “I have heard that you have contacts, contacts that interest me.”

Leroy went pale. His hands began to shake slightly. Alec smiled and shook his head at the reaction.

“Easy, Leroy Flinn, I'm of the same ilk as those contacts,” Alec explained and to demonstrate what he had said, he drew a test tube towards him in a blink of an eye. Leroy's mouth was open; he must have been very impressionable if he was impressed with just that.

“You're a telekinetic.”

Alec nodded, and returned the test tube to its place.

“I need the contacts of all the prodigies you know. Only that.”

Leroy frowned.

“Why do you need them?”

“To start a revolution. The liberation of prodigies.”

Leroy's eyes sparkled, but his brow furrowed a bit more.

“How do you plan to liberate a sector of society that has been discriminated for more than ten centuries? What do my contacts have to do with that?” Leroy asked, practical.

Alec inhaled.

Don't tell the speech to them, tell it to yourself.

“I think that, although violence is not always the answer,” Alec emphasized the word “always”, he let it float, “in this case it is the only way to make our voices be heard. Make them respect us, as we are humans just as they are. Throughout the history of humanity, the great changes in society have been violent, since there was not, nor there is now, nor there will be any other way. It is a sad reality, but it is the one that we have and I will do what has to be done so that prodigies are treated as the humans that we are; it does not matter if I must destroy every building in Gatlon City, or kill the mayor, I will not rest until a prodigy can walk on the streets without fear.” Alec did not let the carbon out of his lungs, even though he needed oxygen and did not that; he continued with the second question. “My best friend was brutally murdered and he firmly believed in this revolution. He once told me that the key to this revolution was you, Leroy Flinn. He told me that you have contacts of powerful prodigies, majestic prodigies and suitable for our purpose.” The latter was not true; James had never mentioned the ability of any prodigy, but it didn't matter, he was sure that if James needed those prodigies, it was because they were powerful. Alec continued. “That's why I'm standing in front of you now, Leroy Flinn. That is why, and only for that, that I ask for your contacts.”

Alec finished his speech. He had never spoken so many words together; perhaps that’s the effect that James had on people.

Leroy didn't say anything for a long time.

He sighed, and ran a hand through his hair.

“I have some,” he said and rummaged in his drawer under the marble table. The drawer creaked when it was opened and also when it was closed. Leroy pulled out a worn out and dirty notebook with only five sheets and impregnated by the smell of gas. He handed it over to Alec, who took it in his hands and gently stroked it, feeling the rough texture of the notebook. Leroy said. “I hope they are useful.”

Alec smiled unemotionally the way James would have.

“I'll need your help too, Leroy Flinn,” Alec said.

Leroy frowned once more.

“Mine? Why?”

Because you're a prodigy and that's enough, Alec thought, but that wouldn't convince anyone to join a revolution, so he did what people had been doing for ages to convince others: he complimented him.

“Because you're a genius, and you'll be very useful in the revolution,” Alec said, but he realized something was missing, so he added, “Please, Leroy.”

Leroy smiled, embarrassed and flattered at the same time, but above all convinced. Leroy Flinn promised:

“I'll take you to the prodigies.”

The first prodigy on Leroy's contact list was named Henry Bleach, and he attended the same school as them. Leroy and Alec just had to leave the lab and head to the area closest to where Alec and James used to go to chat or just hang out, the restricted area of the school. They crossed the yard fence, and arrived into the old basketball courts, also fenced in with wire. Leroy played with the wire using his hands and after a few seconds, it began to melt. Alec separated the melted piece of wire from the others, and they made their way onto the concrete field.

There was only one person there, and it was a boy who looked around Leroy's age, from his medium height and slightly shorter. Leroy hadn't said anything to Alec about the prodigies on the list, and Alec was fine with it, he wanted to judge the prodigies himself, no gossip behind.

He hated gossip.

They approached the boy, who was standing in front of a wooden lectern, staring at the sun. The closer they got, the more Alec noticed the boy's fiery hair: red as the dawn, blazing like fire, standing out against his dark skin. The boy must have been painting, because Alec's senses were telling him he was holding something made of wood, and that near him were pigments condensed with oil and ...

“Hey, Henry,” Leroy said.

“Flinn! What’s up?” Henry saluted, waving his hand with a brush at Leroy. His smile was huge and his teeth were perfectly white. Alec pictured them as priceless pearls. The boy (Henry?) noticed Alec's presence and said, “Hey, who are you?”

Leroy threatened to respond but Alec wouldn't let him. His voice was his’, and his’ only.

No one would ever steal his voice again.

“I'm Alec James Artino …” Alec introduced himself, before Henry interrupted him.

“What are you, from royalty?” laughed Henry.

Alec didn't flinch and continued as if nothing had happened.

“No, I'm not from royalty, actually. Anyways, you are..?” Alec denied, before asking Henry his full name. He wanted him to say his name himself, even though Leroy had already told him.

“Henry Bleach,” he answered, with a huge smile. Then he asked, “What are y'all here from?”

Alec took a sneaky breath.

“I'm gathering prodigies for a revolution. I know you're a prodigy, so don't even try to deny it. So am I,” Alec snapped, and pulled a huge rock to him, one he'd spotted in the restricted courtyard. He let it float in the air before separating it like he had done with his rosary. As for the tiny remains on the ground, the wind carried them away. Henry had an approving expression on his face.

“So, Alec James Artino, you want to organize a revolution? For what?”

“To free the prodigies. To avenge the dead.”

Henry nodded.

“How would you do it?”

Alec calculated how to answer this question to Henry. He was an artist, according to the acrylic stains on his pants, and the tubes of spray paint in the pockets of his joggers. Alec thought Henry would be the type of people who believed in destroying something for the creation of something else.

“We’ll destroy everything to build something better and new,” Alec promised, a smile on his face.

Henry smiled his pearly teeth and laughed.

“I'm in, Alec James. Count with me,” Henry caught on.

“Please, call me Ace,” Alec asked, shaking Henry's hand.

Henry laughed once more and said:

“That’s better. When do we start?” the boy asked anxiously.

Alec and Leroy exchanged a look. Alec promised:

“We’ll keep in touch, but don’t worry, I can assure you we’ll meet very soon.”

The second prodigy on the contact list was Bruce Chapman, a physics student from the Gatlon City National University. Alec and Leroy's High School and Gatlon’s College were quite a distance to walk, so they had to take public transport. Near the school, there was a subway station, so they headed there.

Leroy and Alec left the school without pain or glory, since the mandatory school hours had ended and only the optional subjects remained, and they walked three blocks, in silence, until they reached the stairs that led to the Poles Avenue subway station and Marooned Road. Alec and Leroy descended, sunlight trickling down as they went lower and lower.

Alec hated the subway.

The stairs ended and they found themselves in a large space, illuminated with pale lights and despair. In front of them, were the devices where you put your transport card and paid for the trip. Alec had no idea what their names were, but he knew it would take a second to destroy them and make his way to the damn train. Leroy and Alec kept going, Alec steady, and Leroy crestfallen. Leroy produced a blueish card with a sauce stain from his grimy backpack. The boy laid the card on the scanner and it motioned for Alec to pass. Alec shook his head, and dug into his pocket for a crumpled bill. He handed it to Leroy. After Leroy took it, Alec passed by and headed for the platform.

Every second slowed by.

He stopped next to the platform, and he waited for the train.

Leroy stood next to him, hung his backpack over his chest, and dug into his pocket for a pack of gum. He took one out and offered another to Alec. Alec took it; chewing something would help him calm down.

The train arrived. Leroy and Alec got in, sat in two empty seats.

Anyways.

Leroy sighed.

“How did you come up with revolution idea?” asked Leroy.

Alec laughed, just because he was expecting that question.

“Actually, it wasn’t my idea, but my best friend’s,” Alec explained as chewed his gum, absentmindedly, without exaggerating or pronouncing the movement.

Leroy nodded and also chewed his gum.

“Aren't you ... scared?” Leroy questioned.

Alec didn't see that question coming.

The real answer was “yes”.

And “no”.

He was afraid that everything would go wrong.

But, the truth was, he had nothing to lose.

“I have nothing to lose,” Alec said, and the train stopped. They had reached their station.

Leroy nodded again, and they stood to get out of that metal which Alec despised so much.

This station was exactly the same as the other, only it was full of art, young people, and a small café. Alec contained an expression of disgust at the putrid smell of that place. With his eyes, he searched for the exit stairs. He found them and in two strides, began to rise to the surface.

Alec took a deep breath as he emerged from that underground prison.

Nevermore.

Leroy exited after him, and headed straight for the monumental building of the campus from Gatlon City National University .

The building was ancient and modern at the same time, almost as if it had been built on top of a graveyard. It was a gray building, with mirrored windows, stone columns, sliding doors, and marble floors. Everything was gray, gray, gray. It was absolutely depressing and yet...

“Bruce is in the physics faculty,” Leroy said, as they walked into the building, without pain nor glory. Inside, it was very well illuminated and smelled like bleach, which Alec liked and disliked simultaneously. His leather shoes collided with perfect marble. Leroy's slippers squeaked.

They continued walking down the long and wide corridor, until they reached its division. They turned right, going deeper and deeper until they found themselves in front of a gray door, with the inscription "LAB 3B - KNOCK THE DOOR." Leroy knocked on the door with his knuckles, twice, once more, and three times to finish. They waited.

A boy (a man, to tell the truth), twenty-three years old, sturdy and tall (he was four inches taller than Alec, who was already tall), with ashen hair cropped on the sides of his skull and combed into a gaudy quiff, and dull amber eyes covered with circled glasses, opened the door for them.

Leroy smiled.

“Bruce, hi, how are you doing?” Leroy greeted and high-fived the man (Bruce).

Bruce grinned from ear to ear, a childish smile.

“Leroy, man, it's been so long! Oh, with whom you've come with?” Bruce asked, still smiling. Alec smiled, poorly compared to Bruce.

“I’m Alec James Artino, and I dare to ask if we may come in. I have a proposal for you,” Alec introduced himself, respectful and cordial.

“Of course! Come in, come in,” said Bruce enthusiastically.

They entered the lab, which was very much like Leroy's, only a thousand times messier. Everything, the floor, the tables, even the ceiling, was full of papers-large papers, cut, chopped and folded. Alec shifted the papers as he passed, made a clean path with his mind.

They sat on the swivel stools . Alec locked the wheels with his powers, to stop them from moving .

“Well, what’s this proposal you have for me?” Bruce asked, still smiling.

How can a human being smile so much without cramping?

“I know you're a prodigy,” Alec said bluntly. Bruce's smile faded. “Don’t worry, I’m one myself.”

Alec felt each and every piece of paper in that room, and collected them all, arranging them in neat, perfect piles. For a second, there was a whirlwind, and the next, the lab was clean. Bruce's mouth was open.

“Wow, that was ... incredible,” Bruce whispered, and ran a hand through his gaudy quiff. Alec nodded and brought his fingertips together.

“Bruce Chapman, right?” Alec asked, only to divert the conversation to the proposal he had to make.

Bruce nodded, like a little boy.

“You know this society in which we live is sick, right? You know the way prodigies are treated isn’t right, don’t you?” Alec asked rhetorically. Bruce nodded again.

“What if I told you we can change this society? That we can change this world,” Alec said, his eyes hungry and his expression alive.

Bruce's dull eyes lit up.

“How?” Bruce whispered, mesmerized by Alec's words.

“By gathering prodigies, powerful prodigies, and rioting. We’re the only ones that can save prodigies from dying in the streets, so we have to. I'm planning a revolution, and I need you to be part of it. Will you, Bruce Chapman, join me,” Alec looked at Leroy and corrected himself, “join us, in this uprising?” Alec finished his speech, the most inspiring he had said so far. He had hardly any breath, he had savored the words so much, he had forgotten to breathe.

Bruce Chapman had tears in his eyes.

“Of course. Of course I’ll join you,” Bruce declared, his voice cracking with belief and hope. Alec grinned, and shook hands with Bruce, who had not stopped smiling through his tears.

It was like a child in the body of a man.

One way or another, he would be helpful.

They said goodbye and promised to keep in touch.

The third prodigy was a girl two years younger than Alec, a girl who attended the most expensive boarding school in all of Gatlon City. The boarding school was only a few blocks from the university, so they went by foot. The Gatlon area in which they were, was the richest and most prestigious area of the city. The sidewalks were clean, the parked cars were the most expensive, the least accessible stores were there. Alec felt like a toad from another well, being there.

They reached the imposing gates of Gatlon City's Boarding School for Girls. The building was old, but it had been preserved with dignity, unlike Alec and Leroy's school. The pillars were ancient, graveyard style, the huge doors of polished and dark wood, the colonial windows so clean they could be used as mirrors. Alec and Leroy climbed the four steps before the entrance, and then Leroy pushed open the door (with the help of Alec's power). They closed the door and found themselves in a wide, well illuminated corridor with a gleaming white marble floor.

Alec envied this place so much.

Leroy went to a tall desk (made of the same wood as the front door) that was at the side of the hall. A young woman, her hair in a perfect bun, sat behind this desk, typing in indistinct words on a computer. Leroy cleared his throat.

The woman looked up and pursed her lips.

“How can I help you, gentlemen?” asked the woman, who had an elegant but annoying voice; it scraped in Alec's ears like nails colliding with each other.

“We want to visit Margot Climat,” Leroy said, emphasizing the gravity of her voice. Alec arched an eyebrow, saying nothing.

The woman nodded and typed more words until there was a beep and she nodded. Then she stood up, stepped from behind the desk, and pointed her forearm to her left.

“Follow me,” she said.

Alec and Leroy followed her and turned left into a secondary corridor that led to a spiral staircase, also made of marble and polished wood. The woman's heels struck the ground over and over again, constantly twitching. They climbed the stairs, one, two, three floors, until they reached one where there was only one more hallway, with doors marked with numbers and a long railing to keep people from falling. Alec peeked out discreetly, and noticed that from there he could see the entrance hall. He was tempted to jump and fly, but he knew he wouldn't get very far without his helmet.

Or maybe yes.

He preferred not to know.

The woman led them to a door marked with the number 134, and knocked on the door, before opening it without waiting for an answer. The woman leaned out, and announced:

“Margot, you have visitors.”

Then the woman walked away, motioned for Alec and Leroy to come in, and left, without closing the door. Alec and Leroy came in, and closed it. The door did not make the slightest sound, so well oiled and maintained despite its clear age.

They were in a room the size of Alec's entire apartment (which was twenty square meters). The room had two huge windows, wide open, and the silk curtains were drawn. There were three individual chairs, beige. In one of them, opposite Alec and Leroy, sat a girl, Margot Climat.

It only took a quick glance at Alec to realize that Margot was a very, very strange girl. Her gray hair was extremely long, and it was somewhere between being straight and curly; it rippled in the air on invisible currents of air, although it was true that the day had turned cloudy and rather windy. Margot was short, or so she appeared with her feet just touching the ground. Her skin was golden and her eyes were gray. No, they were light blue. No, they were gold. No, they were covered in expensive black sunglasses. And her hair was styled into a gray braid.

“Bonjour, Margot,” Leroy said. And he sat down in one of the armchairs.

“Bonjour, Leroy,” Margot answered. Her clothes were also expensive; according to Alec's senses, they were silk and pure cotton. Margot lowered the level of her glasses until they only covered half her eyes. She smiled insightfully and said, “Bonjour, monsieur. Sit down, please.”

Alec smirked. Margot was French.

“Ciao, Margot Climat. I'm Alec James Artino.” Alec introduced himself and held out his hand towards her. She shook it and then flipped the magazine she was reading.

“To what do I owe the pleasure? What do you require?” Margot asked, and took off her glasses. She tossed them to the ground, and they bounced off the carpet as the girl rubbed her knuckles against her eyes. Margot sighed/yawned.

“We came to make you a proposal,” Alec began, and intertwined his fingers. He did not lean back in the chair, like Leroy, but stood straight and respectable.

According to Leroy, Margot was the key point for his revolution.

Although he hadn't explained why, Alec believed him.

Why wouldn't he?

“Especially him,” Leroy clarified, and Margot laughed. Her laugh was music and it reminded Alec of Alexandra's laugh.

“Of course, Leroy. Go on, Artino,” Margot said, and uncrossed her legs.

“We are gathering prodigies for a revolution. Are you interested in joining?” Alec blurted out, but when Margot looked at him with frantic eyes, he clarified, “Don't deny you're a prodigy.” Alec picked up the glasses from the floor and put them on Margot's hair, like a headband. “I am also one.”

Margot smiled with her thin lips, and prompted Alec.

“What is the purpose of this revolution?” questioned Margot, savoring the word revolution, as if it was a precious commodity.

Alec smirked.

“Do you have any idea of the estimated number of prodigy deaths per year, miss Climat?” Alec asked rhetorically. He expected Margot to shake her head.

But Margot Climat tensed and replied:

“A million deaths a year, in Gatlon City only,” Margot reported, staring at the ground. The data was a sword between the ribs.

“Precisely, miss Climat. Do you consider that this genocide must continue, that the killing of prodigies in the streets shall be extended?” Alec asked, his voice strong but on the verge of shaking with the rage, provoked by hearing those words coming from his own mouth. He hated society, he hated it, he hated it.

They had to stop this.

“No,” Margot replied, her voice determined and strong.

“The purpose of this revolution is to free prodigies, it is to free ourselves from the chains of this sick and manic society. We will do whatever it takes to be recognized as human beings, but we cannot do it alone. We need you, Margot Climat, you and all the prodigies we can recruit who are brave enough to raise their voices and claim their rights,” Alec paused for a breath. “Will you be part of this liberating rebellion?”

Margot looked Alec in the eyes. Her eyes were glassy, but none of those raindrop-like tears spilled out.

Margot nodded.

Alec grinned with his teeth, and sat up. Leroy did the same.

“Magnificent. We'll see each other later to fix the rest,” Alec assured, but before leaving Margot asked/begged them:

“Do not forget me.”

Alec looked into her eyes. They were like the sky: cloudy, windy and dark.

“Never,” Alec promised.

And they left.

The last two prodigies on the list were sisters and lived outside Gatlon, on a family farm. They were two sisters, and Leroy had found them by chance, once he had left Gatlon with his grandmother. The farm where these sisters lived was a hundred kilometers from Gatlon, and it was too late to buy a bus ticket. However, they agreed to go the next day, taking advantage of the fact that there were no classes as it was the weekend.

Alec did not return to the apartment at Drain Way and Southwest 435.

He went to James' apartment (though he had thrown all the corpses to Gatlon’s river, it was still risky, as the police could show up searching for James’ mothers; he didn’t care, he was going to fight to police anyways, besides, he would never go back to his father’s apartment), and drank all the coffee in the house, which was a disaster since Alec had scrambled everything to find something to use as concrete proof of James Roselo's existence (in that search, he found hidden cameras, probably installed by James’ mothers to keep an eye on him; that’s how they found out he was a prodigy); just like he had the dust from his sister's rosary, his girlfriend's letter and cassettes, he needed something from James.

And he still hadn't found it; the coat was a gift, but not an inheritance.

Maybe it was his name.

Maybe.

The next morning, Alec sported a fresh pair of dark circles under his eyes ready to be shown. He decided to at least look decent, so he changed his clothes, brushed his teeth, and went back to combing his hair. He drank no more coffee. He ate nothing. He went out into the street and headed for the Gatlon City bus station, where Leroy Flinn was waiting for him.

When he arrived, Leroy was sitting on a bench, dressed exactly the same as yesterday, only with a new threadbare cap. In his hand, there were two bus tickets. He gave one to Alec when he sat next to him. They said nothing. They just waited.

Alec couldn't believe that he had already recruited four prodigies.

He couldn't believe that James' dream was already underway, that the prodigies' dream of freedom was closer to coming true.

Soon, soon, soon.

The revolution would save all prodigies from dying like Julieta had died, dying like Alexandra died, or being coldly murdered like it had happened to James.

Everything Alec did and would do, would be by and for them.

For his sister, the most innocent and pure person to ever inhabit the Earth.

For Alexandra, the bravest girl Alec ever knew.

By James, visionary and thinker. Creator of the revolution.

Alec owed everything to them.

Without them, he wouldn't be there.

He inhaled deeply.

The bus arrived and got on with Leroy.

He sat by the window, took out a book he had brought, and began to read.

Leroy started reading too, but it was a scientific report, or so the headline said.

The bus started and they left.

They read and read. The bus went on and on, the buildings shrinking into houses, and then into open fields. They passed by the river, by the sea, through fields, humble neighborhoods and suburbs. Alec didn't pay much attention to the landscape, he read on.

It said this:

“...and yet, it is impossible to predict a human being. The human being is unpredictable, or as it is called: ‘unique’. However, and although it may not seem like it, controlling a human being is easy, it is only a matter of practice. Throughout the years, it has been appreciated how there is always a leader in the pack; that leader is the one who uses words and does not write a book with them, but paints a picture. Paints a dream, an ideal, a future. This future, this dream, is precise, but not specific, and has at least one thing that everyone is looking for. Whoever finds that something that a group of humans is looking for, will become the leader of the next generation and will reign until the end of its time.”

The book had belonged to James and had the margin of the page folded, with a couple of words.

To Ace.

Alec's throat became a knot .

James had found that dream in common that prodigies had.

It was Alec's responsibility to paint it.

He straightened up and wiped away a tear, like someone would wave away a fly .

He would make the dream of prodigies come true.

He just needed to recruit two more sisters.

Leroy brought him back to reality by touching his shoulder.

“This is our stop,” he said.

Alec nodded and put the book in his pocket. The pocket was large, the book small. They stopped, went out into the narrow corridor of the bus, and went down the steps of the bus. Leroy nodded to the driver, before the driver closed the sliding doors and drove off.

They were out in the open, next to a cracked pavement road, and an endless field of wheat. A few feet from them, there was a wooden gate, with a carved wooden sign, in which there could be read “Harper Farm”. Leroy headed that way, Alec followed him.

They walked down a dirt road, with recent car wheel markings. In the distance, you could see a small forest, and a couple of red stables (they were only visible thanks to that bright color). The sky was covered with plenty of fluffy clouds, and a gentle breeze played with Alec's wheat and hair. It was crazy even to think that that place was a hundred kilometers from Gatlon, that in an hour and a half you could get away from that urban jungle...

They walked for about half an hour. Neither Alec nor Leroy had a watch, nor reliable perception of time. Time just passed, it was subjective and objective at the same time. For Julieta, time was a gift from God that should not be wasted. For Alexandra, time was torture. For James, time was an investment.

For Alec, time was just that: time.

And after all, it didn't matter.

But it would.

They came to the doors of a red and white barn, with a wooden sign announcing the sale of fruits and vegetables, and their prices. Alec lifted himself a few inches off the ground, so his (James') shoes wouldn't get dirty with the mud. They entered the stable, and approached a table used as a desk where there was an antique cash register and a young girl behind it, counting money.

The girl was wearing a jean jumpsuit, with a pocket in the center of her chest that had a flower painted on it. She had thin, light brown hair tied in a light ponytail, and grass-green eyes. Her skin was tanned and her lips were thick. She was deep in her world, just like David used to be.

“Excuse us,” Leroy said, in a respectful manner . The girl looked up from the cash register. “We are looking for Carrie and Honey Harper.”

The girl straightened, and her lips pursed.

“I'm Carrie Harper,” she introduced herself, stretching the vowels like sticking gum. “Honey is my sister . What do you need us for?”

Alec cleared his throat, and linked his arms behind his back.

“We have a proposal to make you both.”

Carrie tensed.

“I'll be right back,” she said, and went behind the curtain behind the desk.

In a minute, she returned with a girl of the same height, but with a rather curvy body. The girl, Honey, had curly blonde hair, dark eyes, and was wearing a full body outfit like her sister. Alec thought he saw a bee sting through Honey's hair.

She blushed when she saw Alec.

“What proposal do you have for us, mr…?” said Carrie, expressionless.

“Artino. Alec James Artino,” Alec introduced himself and offered his hand. Carrie shook it. Alec continued with his proposal. “You are aware that prodigies are constantly mistreated and their life expectation is a maximum of thirty years, right?”

Carrie went pale, but nodded.

“What does this have to do with us ...?” Carrie questioned, but Alec cut her short.

“I know you two are prodigies.”

Honey cut him off.

“How dare you…!” she snapped, until Carrie stopped her with her forearm.

“Honey, silence,” Carrie said. Then she turned to Alec. “Mr. Artino, please, tell us why do you think we are prodigies.”

Leroy answered for him.

“Well, you once contacted me for help, telling me you were a prodigy. Then, Ale-Ace came to me asking for the contacts of prodigies I got so I gave them to him.”

“All for what? Searching for prodigies in order to hunt them?” Honey tricked, and a considerable amount of bees began to enter the barn, to alight on Honey. The girl was furious. “Well, I am a fucking prodigy and I won't let you kill me, Mr. Artino.”

Carrie sighed.

“Why are you here, Mr. Artino? I beg you to go to the point and stop beating around the bush,” begged Carrie, crossing her arms.

Alec sighed too.

“I'm a prodigy too, just like you,” Alec explained, as he took the cash register with his invisible hands and made it go round and round. He compacted it into a perfect cube, and then returned it to its original shape. Honey's bees scattered, Carrie arched her eyebrows. “I’m gathering prodigies for a revolution that will free us from this sick society we live in, and assure us the rights we deserve.”

Honey pursed her lips, more contemptuously and judgmental than her sister.

“A revolt? In the city? Why would we care?” Honey observed, with an arched eyebrow.

“This isn’t about the city, about Gatlon; this is about us, prodigies. This is how it starts: a group of prodigies freeing themselves from the chains of society, inspiring other prodigies to do the same,” Alec explained, playing his soul on those words, saying what had to be said. “We’ll be the voice of the voiceless, the savior of the lost. We’ll be the light of this generation and the next one, we’ll start a fire that no one will ever be able to stop at all. We’re prodigies, we’re strong, powerful, we’re gods. We deserve the same rights as non-prodigies, and that’s what we’ll get.”

At all costs, James whispered in Alec's mind.

“At all costs,” Alec repeated and finished his speech.

The eyes of the three present were shining, Leroy included. Carrie's mouth was half open, Honey's mouth was wide open, and Leroy was looking at Alec with pride, with…hope? Leroy patted Alec's shoulder, and Alec, for once, didn't stiffen.

They believed in him.

Just like Julieta, Alexandra, and James had.

Alec smiled, without showing his teeth.

“Will you join us?” Alec asked.

Honey approached Alec, hopping and screeching.

“Of course!” exclaimed Honey enthusiastically. Her eyes were dripping with anticipation.

Carrie smiled sheepishly.

“I assume we'll be useful so…” accepted Carrie.

“You're the key, Harpers,” Alec stated. Honey blushed. Carrie managed a half smile.

“We will keep in touch,” Alec promised.

Honey and Carrie nodded.

“Mr. Artino…” said Honey. Alec respectfully stopped her with a wave of his hand.

“Call me Ace, please,” Alec asked, with a smile. Honey smirked.

“Ace,” Honey said again, amused. “Just ... thank you.”

Alec didn't frown, but looked at her in confusion.

“May I ask for what?”

Honey laughed at the way Alec had asked the question. It reminded him of Alexandra, complaining about James because he said everything in a very elaborate way ...

Focus, Artino.

Carrie walked over to her sister and placed one of her hands on her shoulder. It was a protective gesture, and more maternal than sisterly .

“For saving us,” Carrie finished.

Alec was about to blush.

About to.

“Don’t thank me. It is you who are saving yourselves,” Alec affirmed and said goodbye.

Leroy also said “goodbye” and they started back.

When they got to the bus stop, Leroy said:

“Well, that's it.”

Leroy sighed. Alec gently shook his head.

“I'm not done yet. I have another prodigy to meet.”

Leroy arched his eyebrows.

“Whom?”

Alec remembered a paper, one that Alexandra had given him a long time ago, one that she had found by chance, one that had ink calligraphy and an address and a name ...

“You’ll see.”

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lemongogo · 4 years

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Hi, so I was wondering what u think this chapter is supposed to mean for hawks character? Is this him reluctantly following orders or is he seriously questioning what side he is on? Twice is obviously not gonna change, and I don’t think hawks understands how much his betrayal hurt twice. Twice devotes all of himself to his comrades happiness. He wouldn’t leave them. What was your opinion on hawks offering to help twice and not wanting to fight him? And twice’s reaction to it

(tl;dr at the bottom)

hey ! so i think a lot of hawks’ character is still shrouded in mystery given that we still don’t know much about him as an individual, as much as we are familiar with Hawks, his hero persona. but with that being said, I think this chapter was pretty clear in showing that there’s a part of hawks that realizes the current system is flawed, even if he isn’t currently planning to abandon the hpsc as some of us (such as myself) would like to see in the future

i think before the chapter released, there were two main paths that his story couldve taken.

in one situation, he could’ve incapacitated twice and taken him out of battle immediately. aka, no talking, no trying to explain himself, just wrap up the job he was given to do. this scenario would suggest that there is no capacity for hawks to change or evolve away from the hpsc. this outcome would mean that , for the rest of the story, he would most likely remain heavily tied to this idea that heroics hold a moral superiority over the villains. that sympathy shouldnt be spared for people like twice because they are “bad”. (aka, feed into this binary of good vs bad)

in the other situation, hawks would hesitate or try to reason with twice, and show that there’s some sort of internal conflict that he’s dealing with. this outcome, unlike with the first scenario, would insinuate that hawks’ story will, at some point, deviate from the path the hpsc intends for him to take. that he will, to some degree, question the institution he works in / contributes to. aka: is what he doing the right thing to do (emphasis on morally grey characters / situations unlike the black/white perspective of situation 1)

chapter 264 shows us that second situation: hawks, despite having the upper hand (cornering twice with all of his feathers drawn), does not immediately “finish the job”. he tries to reason with twice by saying that he can “rebuild” his life and start over. “atone for his crimes” and so on so forth. in my opinion, this is a really good step in hawks leaving the cage the hero commission forced him in at such a young age. i mean, as other people have already stated earlier, this isn’t something he will be able to overcome quickly or easily at all. but, it shows that he’s starting to make some decisions for himself. the hero commission does not seem like they would care for the rehabilitation of the criminals. it doesnt seem like they really care for how these people “feel” and would rather smush the rebellion if it meant upholding the current standard of society

the cool thing here is that we see the conflict between hawks and the commission in a very visual manner. scenes where hawks looks menacing are the scenes where he’s speaking with a sense of authority imposed by the hpsc and his status as the #2. this is where we see him talk about the logistics of his mission, and these lines are accompanied by an obscured, shadowed face. emotion is removed from the equation. he is cold and calculating. unforgiving.

compare it to when he starts to give twice a “chance”. we see his face and his emotions clear as day. from this point forward, we’re seeing what keigo wants to say, and what keigo wants to see from twice. his face is revealed when he says “because you are a good person”; he places faith in twice even when the commission couldnt (wont).

he sees twice’s tears. he sees twice break down and it all ties back to the notion that , in my opinion, hawks WAS connected to jin, even though he might frame it as part of his mission. yes, he got “close” to twice because he had to. and yes he used / manipulated twice. we can’t deny that. but he also tells twice that he recognizes the good in him and, through his internal monologue in the end, we know !! that keigo did care for him to an extent. what twice said to him back at the end, the thing about friends caring about each other and wanting to help hawks out of the “cage” he was “stuck in” resonated with him!! and thats why he offered his help in getting twice “back on his feet”

to me, i feel like he does understand how much this betrayal hurt twice. i think he tries to put on a facade and act like it doesnt affect him bc its his job (as in . he’s not supposed to get attached) but then you see THIS panel at the end

and its obvious he’s upset and reflecting on the idea that what he’s doing and how he’s using people isnt okay and that, yeah, jin has a point . somewhere along the way, heroics lost sight of what it meant to help people

idk. its a lot to process. maybe im reading this all wrong, but to Me i feel as though this is a sign that hawks isnt as tied to the commission as he originally was. because although he’s still doing his job as he’s supposed to, he’s also grieving? in his own way? recognizing the harm he’s caused twice and understanding that this is just a really shitty situation. like others have mentioned, i don’t think we could’ve expected this big “switch” in hawks right away but this is the perfect step in the right direction imo

to answer your question, i don’t think he’s questioning his position just yet but . he does seem to be emotionally distressed and perhaps critical of himself for what he has to do. @miriio describes this better than i can:

“if anything i think i’d be bad writing for hawks to join the league this quickly. we clearly see hawks struggling with his options and he genuinely seems to feel bad about what he’s doing….but what he’s doing is what he’s been trained to believe is right. if hawks really wanted to i’m sure he could’ve killed twice instantly. but he didn’t because he doesn’t want to. he even said he would help twice after because he knows he’s a good person. it’s clear hawks doesn’t wanna do any of this but as far as he’s concerned it’s his only option”

im really bad at explaining how i feel abt this but @miriio and @spinneraki both make ! really good points on what this means for him as a character too if u want to check out those discussions :-)

tl;dr this chapter shows hawks has the capacity to change, given his choice to “talk it out” with twice and his later reflection on how the “bad ones are always us hero scum”.

#long post #bnha spoilers #bnha 264 #bnha #hawks #twice #when i write long posts like this i feel like i dont make sense #or somehow contradict myself #so hopefully this kinda answers ur question #durbinfan13 #asktag

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order-progress · 4 years

Text

I used to have a really entitled outlook on life. In my mind though, I was entitled to my thought processes because it was where my mind existed in the place having had come from a once far more turbulent era. Back then I didn't question things that werent outwardly obvious. I didnt question the unremarkable identities of things that exhibited no distinctions amongst one another. Life was a stream of experience, and I just did the best of choices I decided to arrange, or really actually, more like shuffle choices into a messy pile and pat myself in the back cause I could squint at it my mismatched pile of non related events and not feel guilty for putting off routine, structure and goals.

I guess it isnt so surprising to anticipate that like all my other experiences, disicpline would present itself when and if I needed it to be summoned out of wherever creative and yet very hard to imagine location i would imagine it arriving at some future, ambiguous date, just in time to make no work look like fancier no work and with ribbons on it.

Something very common happened to me, something that is happinning right now all around the world, no matter how many days, or years after i first posted this here.

My boyfriend broke up with me.

I wore my entitlement pretty high that day, because somehow, despite there having been no carefully executed plan made on ky end--some masterpiece scheme of genius where one could really see there existed some reasonable and healthy attention to tackle to fucking problem.

Nope. My mother fucking entitled ass decided id actually be shocked. Not even fake shocked. Thats how you know you have lost touch with your surroundings, because big things happen in your wake..while your awake and yet somehow your stuck on who killed the butler in the library with the candle stick.

What makes this one of the most significant event despite its occurance being fairly common globaly, is that his presence had caused me to become more aware of more of the things I would have otherwise taken in stride, none of these events were remarkable on their own, but collectivelly, I had inadvertantly cleaned up my mindspace to find neatly organized clusters of thoughts no longer blending into the subconcious like 70's urban grafitti.

I didnt hold that moment to some disporportionately skewed sugar coating scale just to get ribbons on them after they were organized,I just acknowledged them, like a breath,where as before, they were simply obstacles or pit stops that would perpetuate the chronic attention deficit I had welcomed into my head. I like to think of ADD as the worlds most innefective street sweepers, they sweep alright, but they just make a bigger mess and then you got things in places they have no business being in.

I was in a place of low self worth because of an accumulated collection of short lived and half assed adventures, disastrous endeavers and the nefarious presence of something so obscured, so black and forboding, made me avoid certain places for simply not wanting to deal with the house keeping it wouldve required to mitigate its destructive intentions.

I kept myself busy to not force the acknowledgent that this would become a source of not only my insecuruties, but then in addition to its ever increasing interconnectedness, its complexity. Its chambers that hardened like a mystical kight of armor, whose drawers were full of destructive objects and thoughts that rattled in their confinement as a means of foreshadowing something so sinister, I could not then yet fathom the destrutive ways its icy talons would engulf and twist into my everyday life simply to create chaos, and it didnt register that this was a problem because amidst this battle royale of fragments and bits of poorly put together patterns, Francisco's presense was a light whose emimation lulled me into a complacecy I hadnt anticipated

It wasnt that in this period, that I conciously made a decision to disregard the growing issue, it was the novelty of being in a loving, beautiful and mature relationship with someone that as each day grew, so did my conviction that this person was becoming the brightest fixture in an ever cramped confined hallway of possibilities.

As I stood there aware of this moment, feeling a satisfaction and a gratitude I had never felt before, I realized that I had come so far on autopilot, it was a move that was almost instinctual, I rolled my sleeves up, put on the rocky theme song, got my gym bag ready, went and bought like every stupid unessecary stupid trinket shit people buy to feel like their getting a handle and a good start on some shit, but really it just becomes the infuriating bag of junk that is now the obstacle between you and the door handle to exit your car and actually start your project.

I felt a sense of urgency, I saw how unequipped I had been and while I was and it was this moment that taught me how much I loved him. I reckognized that somehow I was one of those fucking weirdos that jumped through those seedy ass short cut type scenarios in life to give you the same effect of the real thing in less the time, kind of like a GED vs high school diploma, or plan b instead of condoms.

I recognized that there was an innate element of unneccesary risk involved in many of my accomplishments. The risk was usually always a concious decision that I would accept a certain amount of totally unnecessary consequences that typically would define the life of those people who you catch specific glimpses of in mysterious times like dawn or dusk. And be like..yea i could totally see that guy having to figure out what to do with the llama he inherited as a result of some gamble.

This was no longer an acceptable risk. It wasnt that i thought it was dangerous or scare him away, its that I am not the kind of man that wakes up and sees the problems his factory has and finally knows how to fix it and then just be okay with going to bed and put it off.

This is where I get annoyed again. I knew that I wasnt capable of actively doing something against him, because we both agreed on things, and also neither of us was completely high as fucking kite on methamphetamines while operating a forklift to tune a paino yet.

I couldnt ever feel bad about atheletes who ugly cried after being disqualified for juicing to get an unfair advantage in the sports world.

Yet once again my overwhelming confidence, my lovable man mentality of "fuck a map or tools you got grit, spit and teeth". Prevailed.

Im mad because it was this moment right here. In a sea of me being happy to grow and learn and doing the rignt thing. I saw a place i overlooked, its presence was almost like a marker that there were many other areas i needed to work on, and i got sad.

I didnt feel good enough. I felt like a mess. I felt dissapointed at the pride in nothing I had taken so many times. I was finally proud of the changes i was making again, only to be reminded in a very real way of how I never had structure, never had a fail safe implemented effectively to instead of adopting either anxiety or no fucks about an event that could have been in my power to mitigate, i either didnt even notice I missed it, or didnt care.

As I started seeing the mountain of work I had to do, I wondered what it meant about how effectively i could handle other things moving forward, it was an irrational fear that I had that I would dissapoint him because I wanted us to be happy. But i am an artistic person, people who work with details to make a larger picture learn early on how to work details, and I never evaluated just how shoddy my altertanitive crash course was like getting PlAN B instead of putting a condom on.

I can handle pressure effectively. I can be okay with my decisions. What I cant do is open up a factory, see everything that was negelcted when I now know how to fix it, and then go to sleep like nothing bothered me.

I never in my life found myself in a place where i came face to face with old life and it made me feel sad or humilated. I felt like a fraud for just having gotten lucky that everytning worked out, while he worked hard.

I suddenly felt something I never experienced before, fear in love. The moment where you realize your not a piece of shit because you actually dont want to let someone down, the moment when you feel bad because you walked around in life with luck you didnt give a second thought to and passed it off as hard work. And here was this beautiful man, whose life was suffering and hard work, and you realized all of it at once, and there I was, eager fucking beaver captain america man of the house cause now i feel like a god damned engineer since i could assemble an ikea 3 piece wrench-back the fuck up motherfuckers.

I just felt humbled and i felt driven. I also felt the pressures rise up around me and I dont know why I couldnt look away from the sight of the realization of how id been. And its not like i did it all on purpose, but from that moment on, it was as if I had something to prove to myself that at that time I couldnt understand yet because I hadnt reflected yet. And as I was taking the scenic route on ways to "punish yourself is actually how we fucking motivate ourselves around here cus were fucking men" the bigger I created something inside me that wasnt ever there. And then as the places that I had been tendering to and growing in started to not be kept, pressure in my life at home happened. And for the first time in my entire life I was embarrassed at my life.

I remember the moment I felt it, my mom leaving me at work after I lost my car. I walked 2 miles in the cold because i was infuriated that I allowed another event I could have forseen to happen.

I never in my life reflected this intensley on my actions before. Having him in my life made me realize I had been holding myself to a higher standard because I am at my best when I when I am actively building towards something. I opened a place in me I never saw with those eyes and it hurt me. I tried to let him in, and to be honest, the insecurities of him seeing all that mortiified me..not because I would be seen as a slob or this or that, i was just dissapointed that I for a time during when I needed it the most in my early life, I wasnt necessarily taught healthy ways to do things. Mostly because I came to this country at 10, didnt know english, parents worked all the time until i was 16 and then dad got sick with brain cancer and we caught it after he had a seizure cause dad apperently loved moonlighting as my biggest fan when he would go reading my journal at night.

I didnt know how to explain it to francisco. I was feeling. New concept, i was feeling out of sync, i didnt understand why it hit me so hard. I was trying to look away and orient myself on the present.

I could have just dealt with that. But i suddenly felt raw and vulnerable. My boyfriend and I were getting into arguments because I just wanted us to be closer due to this need i didnt know how to vocalize about what I was going through, and he hesitated because he probably thought id leave him if i saw his dirty secrets.

That was the one thing he really never appreciated about my love. I just knew. If everything else was as evident ..like this feelings and where they came from and how to process them healthy while ...it just all got too much. I didnt know how to tell him what I needed. I just needed him.

I started to feel like i wasnt tethered to the focused areas I was so eager to work in. I just kept telling myself communication is key we will get through it.

Then I the drugs did something I didnt expect them to. They turned off this guilt and switch. They gave me the quiet to make them come down to a more manegeable place where I wasnt overwhelmed anymore.

Because I couldnt process this in words at the time, i didnt know how to express that to him. It led to me feeling guilty for not understanding why i enjoyed doing the drugs aside from the stimulant effect. When i tried to explain it to him, it was like trying to coin a cheesy motto for a doomed cereal commercial in french, basically everuthing sounded like something he had no understamding or could relate to.

I started feeling depressed because i could see that although from his perspective we were fighting..

I was even more frustrated becauese we werent fighting. I was pretty much crying, trying to tell him in french something he didnt understand while he was yelling at me in english about me not respecting him by not speaking english.

This was the worst fucking part. Because part of the issue that led me here was accountabiliyy and communication.

I kept telling him in the only way i knew how.please im sorry i know things are getting worse. But this isnt how we are.

I thought we could get through anything.

In his mind he saw a piece of something, he ignored my emotional attachment to it..and i mean i cant blame him, other people never quit.

But even in those moments i knew i wasnt going to be other people.

And suddenly i was alone. I was depressed. I had realized that it wasnt us that was th issue so i tried so hard to communicate more effectively that he got frustrated and said i talked in loops. I felt so alone because i understood his frustration and i just needed him to trust me. But that was the perfect storm when i just got so alone feeling from his inability to just not look at me how i felt at myself. And i honestly tried to fix it in the middle of him running away and the most painful thing was that he couldnt understand and i didnt know how to say it.

I dont blame him for leaving

But a part of me breaks to my very core to know that if he just literally lookrd at me like yes i was going crZy but i was just hurting and overwhelmed.

All i wanted and needed was him.

The worst. Pain was that he didnt see that.

And i needed to explain it. And he didnt let me.

I felt like i was desperatly trying to express something of real explaination. I just honestly was desperate to because he was running.

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angelfire115 · 4 years

Text

The one who fell part 2

They walked into the hotel, Alice looked around, the decorations were incredible, it was the most amazing hotel she had ever seen. She hasn't been to many of course but still, it's the best one. She stared at the portrats on the wall, all kinds of paintings, most having Charlie in them. She spotted one that had her dressed formally, a beautiful tall woman that she guessed was her mother since the hair was the same. The other must be her father as they had the same pink cheeks. He did, however, give her a bad gut feeling as his smile looked eerily similar to the tall red man in that alleyway.

Charlie: "Huh, I wonder where Alastor is". Alice looked to Charlie, who looked around looking for this Alastor. Angel dust: "Oh yeah, I remember him saying he had to go deal with some "unpleasant" people". Charlie looked at Angel with surprise, then a dissapointed and angry scowl came across her face, guess whatever hes doing wasn't good. Alice: "Um, sorry to interrupt but, who is Alastor?". Charlie and Vaggie looked to Alastor. Charlie: "Oh well, Alastor is my business partner, he's helping me on making this hotel a success". Vaggie rolled her eyes and silently scoffed at that.

Alice looked to her new friends in a bit of confusion, he doesn't seem that bad if he's helping demons be redeemed. Charlie: "Hehe, well, he has his doubt's but still, I'm still glad he's here, we need as much support as possible". She looked to Vaggie as she said that which Vaggie looked away from her. As she walked towards the couch that was behind Alice, she stopped right next to her, leaning to her ear. Vaggie: "Word of advice, its best to stay away from that guy". Alice: "Why? Is he bad?". Vaggie: "He's worse then any demons you've met, he's named the radio demon, he kills and tortures whoever even touches him and one of the top demons that reside in hell, there are others which you should avoid but right now, Alastor is the number 1 demon to avoid". She faced her with a fury of justice burning in her eyes. Vaggie: "Don't, trust, anyone".

Alice understood what she was saying, she had to not forget that this place, was hell. She may have never had to feel this way or not as much but she had to train herself. Just like how she was trainned to face the real world by her parents, she had to make sure she lived through this. Vaggie had sat down after she had a talk while Charlie turned to Alice, excitement shining in her eyes.

Charlie: "Alright, Alice, should we get started with the proper signatures and such". Alice was a bit blanked out from her thoughts but snapped back into reality when she heard her name. Alice: "Oh, yeah, sure". She followed Charlie to the front desk. She signed some forms and some other hotel things then was given a key and was showed to her room. It was exciting and she absolutely loved her room. The place was so well made, however, she hadn't seen another guest yet. Maybe they were asleep?

Charlie left her to her room to get settled, she flopped onto the bed, staring at the sealing. Alice: "What a day? I wonder... Will anyone realize... If I'm gone?". She drifted to sleep, it had been a long and grueling day. At every turn while being here was one shock after the next. She was drained so she deserved some sleep, even if she was dirty and covered in blood, she didn't care. As her eyes closed and everything went dark, as she drifted into a sea of sleep.

Alice short up for a start, her head was spinning and her body feeling a bit numb. She rubbed her head, a little bit of a headache grew as time went. She looked around, she was in her room, sitting at her desk. The sun shined through the blinds, the air felt thin and warm. It was so familiar, she could hear the song birds singing their tunes. She got up slowly, a bit clumsy as she walked.

So, why in such a hurry toots?

The headaches got worse, making her fall to the ground, she seemed so tired, even though she just woke up. She grunted and grumbled, she really needed to get some painkillers. She remembered they were in her cupboard. She tried to get up but she fell again. She was shaking badly, tears ran down her face but she didnt notice.

Its ok, whatever happened is over now, you'll be ok

But she didn't want to give up, she was determined to stand. Her tears stopped and faded away. The headache was still there but it didn't hurt as much. Still though, she needed those painkillers. She walked to her door, it opened on its own but she didn't notice. She continued to walk down the halls, she turned to her left as she heard dripping, a dark eery room oozed a dark aura. Was there a tap still running? She thought to herself to go and turn it off

Don't, trust, anyone

She decided to not and just do it later, she continued to her kitchen. Finding the painkillers in her cupboard where she thought it was, grabbing it, she also grabbed a cup of water from the fridge. The dark ooze rounded the corner, sneaking its way towards her slowly and surely. She stared at the cup for a few seconds, ignoring the eyes that popped up in the reflection that wasn't hers. A burst of wind blew the doors open which she casually stared at. Before she was able to place the painkillers in her mouth....

How did you end up here?

She froze, an ice cold chill went up her spine as the ooze of darkness loomed over her. Bright red eyes shot open. She slowly turned, her shaking growing worse, as she shook, the house seemed to shake with her. She dropped the cup and painkillers that smashed and splashed into glass and thick red blood. She started to cry, the tears never stopped not that she tried to stop them. When she finally turned and looked to the shadow behind her. Large yellow teeth splayed across the darkness, the red eyes with no pupils seemed to stare into her soul. Disintegrating it with its terrifying look. Sharp claws reached out to her grabbing her head, she screamed but it faded away.

She shot up from the bed, she panted and cried. She looked around at her red room, the hotel room she was allowed to stay in for free. She backed up to the beds board behind her. Holding her knees up against her chest and letting her head lay in them as she cried from that nightmare. It was then she knew she couldn't stay in hell, she couldnt stay and help herself. She needed a guide, she needed freinds. She was too weak for this world. She wished she could go back immediately but, she knew she couldn't which made her lonely crying even worse.

After a few minutes of crying, she decided to stop, knowing that crying wouldn't get her anywhere. She looked around her room, then spotted a clock on the side of her bed. The clock showed 8:00 in the morning. Alice: "Wow, i didn't realize it was day". She shifted to the window where she opened the blinds. To her surprise, the sky was still dark but at least more brighter then yesterday but not as much. Of course, in a world of hell, it would still be dark even in the day. Alice: "Jesus, how can they tell time here?".

She remembered her shenanigans throughout hell and remebered her new friends. So after cleaning herself up, heading out the door and down the stairs. She made her way to the main lobby. Hopefully talking to people would get her mind off the nightmare and off the sorrowful feeling of not being able to go home. As she made it down stairs she noticed how busy some people were while others were new.

She saw Vaggie and Charlie, sitting on the couches with a large paper filled with writing, like it was some kind of small business meeting. She spotted the two new people, one looking like a large black and white cat with a small top hat and incredible red wings that folded perfectly on his back. He looked grumpy and he took big swigs of his drink he had. He looked a lot like her Uncle Jones who she'd spot at family reunions, all alone in the corner avoiding everyone. Made sense, her Aunt Grace didn't exactly enjoy his company. The other person though, disappeared.

??: "Who are you?". Alice was startled by a small and unfamiliar voice at her feet. She looked down to see the child looking creature staring up at her with one eye and a razor sharp smile. Alice: "Oh! You scared me, um I'm Alice, I'm a new guest, what's your name?". She crouched down a little, placing her hands on her knees. The young demon came closer to her and sniffed around her bubble which confused her greatly. ??: "Hmm, you don't smell like a demon". This shocked her a little.

She knows she's not a demon, she landed in this world without dying or anything else so she isn't. She came to the realisation that she had told no one since she got here about her being a human from the living world who's still alive. She wondered if she could, since, she didn't know what they could do to her if she found out. Alice: "W-well, uh, I'm gonna go over here". She was able to dodge the conversation by heading towards Vaggie and Charlie who wear still deep in thought.

Alice: "Um, morning guys". Vaggie and Charlie lifted their heads to see Alice and both smiled. Charlie: "Morning Alice, how was your sleep? Hope it went well". Alice: "Yeah it was great". Alice didn't want to bother them two with her nightmare she just had so she didn't say anything on it. She looked to the large paper they had, when she looked closer, it looked like a decorative drawing. It had rainbows and stars and happy things all over it, it even said the Happy Hotel. Alice smiled at how cute it was though the drawings looked like a five year old made them.

Alice: "So what are you guys doing?". Charlie looked back at her friend and new guest with a bigger smile growing on her face. Charlie: "We're making the new poster for the happy hotel". She picked up the poster, showing off all the drawings and more all over it. Alice: "Oh I see, it looks really good". Charlie sneered a little, she looked to her drawing in every angle. Charlie: "I know but I feel like it looks the same as the last one, I wish i could do something more different". Alice stood there for a second, thinking about any possibilities in her mind. One idea popped in her head and she grabbed a paper, a pencil and started her drawing.

Charlie and Vaggie was surprised by her intrusive act but was more interested to see her work. It took Alice a few minutes but she was done. Alice: "It's just a quick sketch so it isn't perfect but maybe this will give you an idea". She lifted her drawing which was neat and beautiful. It had a giant rainbow going into clouds on both sides just behind the letters that said "Hazbin Hotel" in bold and neat letters. It showed at the bottom a amazing drawing of heaven and at the top showed a detailed drawing of Charlie with her arms out and her smile huge.

Both Vaggie and Charlie stared in amazement at the incredible well made drawing. Vaggie: "Wow, that's pretty amazing". Alice slightly blushed at the compliment. Alice: "Oh its nothing, I've just done these things before, I've taken a lot of art classes". Charlie excitedly grabbed the poster and looked at every inch of it. Charlie: "This is AMAZING, I love it". She was so happy and her demeanour was bright but it quickly faded as she noticed something. Charlie: "Although, why does it say Hazbin Hotel? This is the Happy Hotel". She pointed to the letters on the page.

Alice: "Oh sorry, I thought that's what the Hotel was called since the sign says it at the top". Charlie looked more confused, the sign? Charlie: "But that should say the Happy Hotel as we-". She stopped at the middle of her speaking to realize in an angry scowl which ended in a disappointed sigh. Charlie: "He must of changed it". She sort of mumbled that to herself but Alice and Vaggie could still hear it. Did she mean Alastor? The one Vaggie warned Alice about? It might be.

Charlie got up from her seat to head to the door. Alice: "Are you ok Charlie?". Charlie kept heading to the door. Charlie: "Yeah, I'm fine, I just want to see it for myself". Alice stood in a bit of disaray, she was nervous but she had to be brave. Alice: "Uh, Charlie wait". She called out to Charlie which made her stop just at the door, she looked back to Alice who slowly approached her. Charlie: "Yeah? Is there something you need?". Alice stiffened, she was told by Vaggie yesterday not to trust anyone and she's followed it through but Charlie was nice and kind, she didn't seem like a demon at all. She knew or thought she could trust her with her secret as a living mortal in hell.

Just as Alice was about to speak, the doors at the front of the hotel burst open. A strong wind sent everyones hairs go crazy from it. A strong light gleamed through but Charlie turned to it. She folded her arms and glared at the person there. Charlie: "There you are, I've been worried". Alice couldn't see who was at the door since the light was too bright and Charlie was in the way. ??: "Sorry to worry you my dear, I was a bit busy today". The second Alice heard that voice her heart stopped, it was the same voice as before. The same voice she heard cackling in that alleyway. That same voice who's mouth drooled with blood and chomped on the flesh of people. She started to shake and her breathing was heavy, she wanted to run but she couldn't move.

Charlie: "Did your busy time involve hunting people?". The person laughed in an ungodly and terrifying way that sent shivers down Alices' spine. ??: "Maybe, but no, I was looking for someone". Charlie gave up on her questioning and moved aside to let him in. The person who entered was tall and red, it was definitely the same person who was in that alley, who killed that old beetle demon in cold blood and all the others

She looked up at this fiend while he stared down at her. His smile sharpened as he saw her, he definitely recognized her. Charlie: "Alice, this Alastor, Alastor this is Alice, she's our new and first guest". Charlie had walked in to introduce the two. Alastor looked to Charlie in more curiosity. Alastor: "Is she now".

He looked back at her, his smile still wide in amusement. Alice still couldn't move, she stared at him in incredible amounts of fear, her shaking never stopped. Alastor: "Well it is very nice to meet you Alice, my, what a lovely name, I am the radio demon Alastor, very happy to make your acquaintance". Alastor held out his hand for a hand shake which Alice stared at for a while. She still couldn't move, if she could, she would be out of there. Charlie looked at her with concern and worry, stepping to her side, she held her shoulder. Charlie: "Alice, are you ok?". Within seconds everything went black for Alice, she could hear her name being called a few times, muffled but it faded away. She didn't know what happened, all she saw was darkness, was she dead? Asleep? She still couldn't move but, she didn't want too, so she laid in darkness, waiting for the end.

#hazbin hotel #the one who fell #fanfic #Alice OC #Vaggie #Charlie #Alastor #Angel dust #oof #poor girl #had a pretty bad nightmare #And now hes here #great #well not so great for Alice #Nifty #Husk

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warmau · 6 years

Text

{Regular Inspired AU x NCT 127} Mark Lee

tw: weapons mention, violence mention, be warned. everything written here is a work of FICTION, and does not in anyway reflect reality an: please read the introduction to this au first so you understand :-)

“i said i was going to keep you safe. i couldnt even do that.”

“i choose mark.”

you pick confidently, assured that out of this whole bunch there’s only one other person who seems to be sane just like you

and if anything, you don’t assume mark is part of any of the super dangerous super illegal stuff

he’s practically a young kid like you, the only thing is that he seems like he’s got way more money than you

damn that big watch should have been a red flag

mark steps up, happy with your decision as he helps you off the table

“since we’re both interns, we can just help around the marketing department together.”

doyoung and jungwoo step closer and out of nowhere you feel doyoung lift a strand of your hair up for a moment

mark puts a hand out to push doyoung’s palm away, asking “doyoung, what are you doing?”

but doyoung just stares down at it and answers blankly

“are you jealous if i do this, mark?”

“jealous - what are you talking about!!?! it’s just making them uncomfortable you really shouldn’t just touch people!!”

johnny swishes his champagne glass as he strolls by and drops close to whisper in your ear

“don’t make our little mark fall in love with you, he’ll absolutely and utterly end up losing his mind!”

mark clenches his fist, chasing after johnny who gets out of the room laughing

jaehyun shrugs

“stick with mark from now on. and don’t you dare try to tell anyone about what’s going on here.”

taeyong walks by without a word, sicheng gives a little wave, and yuta points between you and mark with a devilish grin

it feels less like you’ve just wandered into an underground hub of crime,,,,and more like your first day in some high school club

when mark returns, he tells you that jaehyun has called a cab to get you home

“so,,,,,,do i just keep showing up to work like nothing is going on?”

mark presses the button for the elevator and gives you a sort of apologetic smile

“basically. hopefully these couple of months won’t be too crazy. the jung family has lots of enemies and people are always looking to start trouble but ill make sure to keep you out of it.”

you’re quiet, getting into the elevator with mark and taking the chance to study his profile

he looks just so,,,,,,,innocent

so naive, vulnerable, and young

you think that if he were to turn to you and start laughing, telling you this was all one big joke

you might believe him

but your eyes drop down the to expensive watch, to the memory of him and jungwoo talking outside about danger and guns

and it’s all real

you’re here with mark lee and he,,,,,,,,,,,,,he just might be deadly

mark walks you to the cab, opening the door and acknowledging the driver with a nod

he says he’ll see you in the morning and you agree

the entire drive home you clutch the side of your seat belt and think to yourself about the fact that the driver doesn’t even ask for your address. or your name. or mark’s name. he just pulls up in front of your building and raspily informs you

he’ll pick you up for work at eight

the next day back at jung enterprises, you’re sweating even more than your first

and not because you want to impress or not trip or hopefully become liked by the staff

it’s because you keep getting glimpses of everyone you met yesterday

they’re all acting normal, like they’re going about their business

but you know that there’s more

but only you know, the people at the desk a couple of feet don’t

mark seems to sense your nervousness - he keeps trying to kindly distract you with useless work

“can you help me copy these?” “doyoung asked if you could get him some lunch” “let’s re-file this, it’s out of order”

you know that all the tasks you’re being issued don’t actually have to be done

that when mark steps away to go to the bathroom or talk to a co-worker, he’s really making a call about the real “business” or discussing something shady in the corners of the office

but you have to sit there, stamping envelopes or waiting on the printer as if you are just the intern

as if you and mark are just ,,,, interns

about a week in, jungwoo finds you alone by the coffee machine and when you brush fingertips over the sugar

you feel his dark eyes hover on you for a moment too long

before he doesn’t say word and turns to walk away

every moment you feel like you’re being watched, being analyzed

it’s so much to bare - even though nothing happens

you’re not incapacitated, you’re not involved in any fights, you never even see whatever illegal business is going on

you never even see any money

and mark keeps doing his best to keep it just that way

which you really appreciate but also,,,,,you keep telling yourself to remember that this is kind of his job

his task if you will

and that you should look at his kindness as a part of his responsibility

and not like he actually cares for you

the thought hurts more than you think it would,,,,it was at first just a brush off like “oh i can be pretend nice too”

but if genuine mark is so giving and sweet

it’d be hard to resist you think

“let me take you to lunch!”

mark offers, almost a month in of your “pretend internship”

you shake your head

“it’s fine, i know babysitting me is already boring en-”

“hey, im not babysitting anyone. you’re keeping up the end of your deal to keep quiet and im just here to make sure you’re safe. plus, i want to take you to lunch because you’re fun to talk to, not because of anything else”

you look up, smiling a little

“you think im fun to talk to?”

mark scratches the back of his neck shyly but nods

“of course, you’d be surprised but ,,,,, normal conversations with you are a real breath of fresh air.”

you laugh, even though the thought of mark finding your normal conversations as intriguing is a little weird - but finally you agree

and mark takes you to this little restaurant a couple of blocks from the jung building

in which you two just talk,,,,,,about normal things,,,,,,about your ambitious and your future plans

and it feels like,,,you two are just people - like everyone else

and the whole situation you’d found about doesn’t exist

mark is in the middle of asking you about a hobby when someones large hand drops onto his slender shoulder

you look up, startled

but mark’s expression just goes blank

“why isn’t this our little prince, little prince lee?”

“the boss thought you ran away from seoul for sometime, but turns out you’re just out here having dinner with-”

the second person who doesn’t have their hand on mark gives you a once over

“having dinner with commoners?”

you don’t know if you should be offended or just confused

mark shrugs the hand off his shoulder but doesnt turn to answer the two hefty men

they’re dressed in open satin shirts and dress pants

on both their hands are large, elaborate tiger tattoos and the character for ‘lee’ marked up in red, glaring ink

“did my father send you?”

mark finally asks and you feel the blood in your body go cold

“no, no. you know the boss doesn’t have time to be chasing you around. especially after you sold out to the jungs.”

a disgusted tone accompanies the word ‘jungs’ and then suddenly one of the men is looking your way

“is this person,,,,,,,,,one of those filthy cockroaches who works for that family too?”

mark’s grip on his dinner knife is so hard his knuckles turn white

“don’t address them. tell my father i don’t wish to see him or his goons around anymore.”

“this is a public restaurant, marky. and your father isn’t around to defend you so you better watch your tone.”

the hand clamps back on mark’s shoulder and squeezes it

“but we will tell the boss we saw his son. and that he was with,,,,,”

you shudder when they both glare at you and one of them smiles to reveal a mouth with one gleaming golden tooth

“whats your name little thing?”

“dont answer them.”

mark hisses and the two men laugh as they lean forward

you’re frozen as their large faces get closer and they whisper

“our apologizes for interrupting your date with the son of our boss, but you do understand we just had to say our hellos.”

you don’t say anything. you don’t even move.

not until the two men excuse themselves and mark’s knife and fork clatter loudly onto his plate

“w-who were th-”

you start, but mark stands and grabs your wrist as he tugs you out of the restaurant, throwing a wad of bills at the host as you storm by

you’re disorientated, but you realize that something in mark has changed

when he stops, you two are standing in the middle of the alley between the restaurant and the street

and you are about to ask your question again

when mark slams his hand against the side of the building

the sound is painful, but mark just keeps his fist clenched and he’s holding so hard that the veins on his arm start to become visible

there’s nothing soft and sweet about him like usual

instead he’s just angry - an aura of almost seething rage comes from his back

you stay silent, until he turns around

“this is going to be a problem now.”

“w-what is?”

mark lets out a breath and instead of answering you he fishes his phone out of his jacket pocket and brings it up to his ear

“jungwoo? yeah, it’s me. listen my family is in town and im going to have to take care of that before it gets out of hand.”

you look both ways around you, the alley is dark and it’s only you and mark but suddenly you get the jittery feeling that you’re being watched

“you know what my father is like, if he finds out that im - no no don’t send yuta or taeyong out. yes i have my gun. that’s not the point, the point is if my father finds out i was with someone, they’re going to be a target and you know the situation already -”

mark looks up and you’re still distracted by your creepy feeling that you don’t notice his eyes on you

his slow scan up and down your figure before he bits back his lip and looks back down

“my father will try to take them. they’ll send someone after them. im going to keep them at my place for now.”

there’s a moment of muttering from mark and when you focus back on him

you see him slip his phone from his ear and reach out

“im going to need you to stay with me from now on.”

“haven’t i already been with you this whole time?”

“no, im going to need you to stay with me twenty four seven now.”

there isn’t much explanation from mark about why you’ve turned from just the intern he had to keep an eye on to his very own house guest

mark just says that your safety is in danger tenfold now

and not because of the jungs, but because of mark’s own family

you don’t get it - you have a million questions

but mark doesn’t really seem to want to let you know anything else

just that you have ten minutes to pack your things, come back down to the cab, and let him whisk you away to where ever it is that he lives

you’re pulling your travel suitcase out of the closet when you suddenly stop and think

is this safe? he says im in danger, but he’s dangerous too,,,,,,,

but it’s mark. a whole month has passed and this is the only time you’ve ever even see him freak out

is his family also involved in something illegal? did mark leave his family to work for jaehyun’s dad,,,,,,

theres a swift clicking sound and you hear the door to your apartment open

mark announces that it’s just him and you walk out to see him touching the plant that’s in your hallway

“the door was locked,,,,”

mark gives you a sad smile

“yeah, i picked it with my credit card. sorry if that’s rude.”

you don’t even have a response, you just go back to your bedroom, toss what you have from your closet into the suit case and lug it out into the hall

mark picks it up easily and you protest, saying it’s heavy

to which mark just smiles at you again

“you’re already going through a lot, let me help you however i can.”

his eyes have returned to a soft, warm brown - not the narrowed and paranoid blown out darkness that they had been at the restaurant

you find yourself following him outside, wishing and hoping that he’ll stay like this

kind, sweet, nice mark

but the unnerving feeling in your stomach is that - he won’t

the cab pulls up to a tall, glass building full of luxury condos

mark lives on the top floor and when you walk in the first thing you notice is

tigers

everywhere

there are statues of tigers made of jade and onyx and even diamond on almost every surface of the house

a portrait of a man who looks like an older version of mark hangs up in the spacious, but minimal living room

and everything else that doesn’t have tigers on it

is a clean, untouched white

it’s as if no one even lives here - that’s how spotless it is

“you can sleep in my bedroom.”

mark tosses off his jacket and undoes the first two buttons of his shirt

you stand there, sweating in your own office clothes, not sure if you can even move a muscle

afterall

you’re in ,,,,, mark’s house,,,,,,,,,, alone,,,,,,,with him

but mark tells you to make yourself at home and disappears into one of the doors in the hall

you take your shoes off, placing them by the door and walk slowly across the apartment

the tiger statues watch as you look out of the window, as you pass by the kitchen which looks like its never been used before, and finally when you sit down like a timid lonely child on the sofa in the living room

you faintly hear mark talking from the room he’s in and then,,,,,,,,there’s a knock on the door

before you can thoughtlessly get up to see who it is

mark rushes out of the room, barks for you to get down on the floor and pulls his handgun from his waistband

he points it at the door and you duck, blood frozen in your veins, behind the sofa

there is a second knock a moment later

“mark, open up.”

“who is it?”

“who do you think? jungwoo said you didn’t want me to come, but i came anyway. i brought doyoung too.”

you hear mark move closer and closer to the door

till it clicks open and you hear mark sigh

“why are you two here?”

“you know why, but more importantly where is my favorite cute little intern!”

yuta’s voice fills in the apartment and before you can uncurl yourself from your hiding place

he’s already found you

“why there you are~ come to me, you must be so tired of being ignored and mistreated by mark~ yuta knows what will cheer you up~”

his long, slender fingers reach out and brush past your hair

he grins, with almost a fox like quality as he helps you up and back onto the couch

he sits too close to comfort and continues to eye you like some kind of overtly delicious dessert

doyoung walks over past mark and takes a seat opposite you in the lounge chair

his eyes stare blankly at you

“so what happened exactly?”

he asks, but not you - he’s talking to mark

mark joins you on the couch, swatting at yuta’s hand before he answers

“it’s my dad. looks like the lee gang is back in town.”

“tsk,,,those guys are wild, no offense mark”

yuta coyly leans himself against you as he talks and mark grits his teeth

“none taken, you know why i left the family. they have no sense of mercy or boundaries. which is why,,,,,i think they’re going to come after them”

the them of course, is you

doyoung nods and shifts his focus back on you

“one of us should take over then.”

“ill do it!”

yuta volunteers, nearly cuddling into your arm

you feel both embarrassed and a little bit afraid

but mark shoves him in the shoulder and yuta snips just like a disciplined cat

“no, i think it’s best if they stay with me. ive been with them for a month. and if my dad sends anyone, ill know how to deal with it the best.”

doyoung brings his hands together on his lap

“well, why don’t we just ask them what they want”

all eyes turn to you and you swallow a lump in your throat

“i,,,,im not sure whats going on.”

“mark here is the son of a rival gangs leader, he’s the prince of the lee’s! destined to take over his fathers underground empire and defeat the jungs!”

yuta sings out, falling back against the couch dramatically

mark rolls his eyes at the gesture

“it’s not like that. i am the son of another famous gang leader, but i abandoned them. they just,,,,,,,,,,don’t have any rules and im not -”

“mark isn’t ruthless. he just likes to make money like the rest of us.”

doyoung finishes and the leans forward

“so here’s the situation, you can stay with him like you have been. or you can choose one of us to take over.”

subconsciously you shift your weight over to mark and it makes him smile under his breath

“id like to stay with,,,,mark. unless-”

mark thinks of putting his hand over yours, he can see you’re slightly shaking

but thinks against it, not with the eyes of yuta and doyoung here

“unless im putting mark in more danger”

yuta’s laugh echoes through the walls and he puts his hand out to ruffle your hair

“you know nothing dear, worrying about the criminal and not yourself!”

“im sorry if this is insensitive to ask, but are you and mark romantically involved? why else would you be so-”

“NO!”

you exclaim and doyoung for the first time shows some sort of expression with a raise of his eyebrows

mark knows he’s going to get red so he just clears his throat and takes over

“listen, it’s not like that. but i think if anyone targets them from my family - ill know how to deal with it. that should be good enough, so just report that to jaehyun.”

yuta clicks his tongue

“oh we will, we’ll also report that you two are obviously head over heels for each other!”

and with that he springs up onto his feet, doyoung following suit

you’re too embarrassed by the sudden sentence to look up but you hear mark denying it and leading the other two men to the door

they say their goodbyes and mark doesn’t return to his spot by you

instead he mumbles that it’s been a long day and you should go get ready for bed

as he rushes by you and back into the room he’d been in before

it’s awkward, showering and getting ready to sleep in the home of someone whose essentially you’re co-worker

your cute co-worker,,,,,,,,your cute co-worker who is also sort of kind of a gang bosses son

plus there’s even a little tiger statue in the bathroom

you turn it away when you step into the shower

that night you lay in mark’s bed, which is too big for one person and the crisp sheets are cold on your skin

everything is scary and turning upside down in your head

but somehow,,,,you manage to fall asleep

for the next two weeks, mark does not leave your side

like ever

he’s more vigilant and protective then he ever was in the starting months

and so is everyone else

you notice you see taeyong hanging around you more often

and jaehyun keeps pulling mark to the side for updates on the lee gang’s movements

you notice switchblade sicheng safely tucks back into his jackets sleeve one day and you remember that you’re still always in danger now

mark tries to keep your mind off it, just like he did in the beginning of all this

he does all the menial intern tasks with you, asks you about the books you’re reading or the music you’re listening to

he entertains you in the way a normal friend would, all the while keeping you from the harsh reality of whats actually going on in this business

you’re thankful,,,,,,but you also feel like a burden

like mark would be way better off just doing what he does best, not guarding you like some loyal dog

you think it’s the guilt you feel that makes you do something stupid

like sneak off to get lunch by yourself one monday afternoon

because mark was talking to jaehyun and it looked super serious and so what if you just went around the block

it’s not like you needed supervision all the time

but the lee gang must have been waiting for you to do that

because as you’re leaving the cafe with your lunch, you’re approached by a tall man

crawling up the side of his neck is a red tattoo of a tiger and just that makes you freeze on the spot

“looks like mark stopped guarding his treasure”

you clench the bag from the cafe in your hand tight and try to play it cool

“i don’t know what you’re talking about sir”

he chortles and shakes his head

“not even going to scream? makes it easier for me.”

and before you know it his iron grip coils around your wrist and none of the busy people on the street seem to notice

you think ok, screaming might be a good idea right now, but it’s too late

because there’s something cold and hard in your side and the man has pulled you close up against him

“im sure mark will miss you, so just be quiet and come with us.”

you think that if there’s anything in the world you want right now it’s to tell your parents you love them and tell mark that you’re sorry you did this

with that you let the stranger lead you to a car waiting around the corner and you watch as the door slides shut and your hands are tied

the long silhouette of jung enterprises shrinking in the distance as you’re sped down the highway

mark assures jaehyun for what seems like the hundredth time that no - his father isn’t in on the trades deal with china and that isn’t what he’s after anyway

and when he returns, instead of you - there’s haechan sitting on top of his desk

mark asks where you are and haechan shrugs his shoulders, his less than appropriate silken shirt hangs loosely off him as he brings a pen up to his mouth

“did you lose them?”

he jokes and mark scrunches up his nose - a habit he’s had since he was a kid

and even becoming a badass criminal hasn’t shaken it out of him

“what? no. they’re probably in the bathroom.”

haechan replies with a sound that mark ignores and instead he starts to walk across the office

jungwoo catches him pacing around and whispers something about it to doyoung

mark doesn’t like that they’re always breathing down his neck like that, but he brushes it off as he plays like he isn’t looking for you - just looking for somewhere to drop these files off

when he’s sure doyoung and jungwoo have dropped it, mark rounds the corner and realizes that you’re not back at the desk

his phone beeps in his pocket and he takes it out

just to feel the world stop

as the number splayed across the screen reads ‘father’

and the message is one simple line

‘come back or they die’

you don’t know where you’re taken or who took you there

all you know is that when the blindfold you had on is dropped to the floor, you’re in a spacious room

and there are

tigers

everywhere

in the middle of the room is a desk, where the man whose portrait was up in mark’s home is sitting

he doesn’t look or speak to you

and when he does finally glance over at you he makes a motion with his hand and you feel something sharp pressed against your neck

“so, i am told you were dining with my son mark a couple of weeks ago.”

you don’t know what to say but the tip of the sharp thing gets tighter on your skin so you think you should at least come up with something

“yes”

“and you also work for the jungs?”

“im an intern”

the man gets up with a loud sound and you notice that he’s wearing a long robe

on the lapels there are stripes like that of a tiger and the character for the ‘lee’ family

“intern? is that some sort of new title for a new comer?”

“no, im just an intern.”

you hear the person holding the sharp object grunt and try to move it closer against the left side of your neck

but the man, who you are going to assume is mark’s father, puts a hand up to stop him

“what do you do for the jungs?”

“office work”

mark’s father tilts his head and then lets out a long, drawn out laugh

“c’mon, don’t make me hurt you. what do you do.”

you don’t know how to lie about this, what’s the right thing to say

“really, i just. i just work in the office.”

“so how do you know mark?”

“he’s in the marketing department with me”

for a second you think you’re going to get killed because one way or another you don’t think this man is buying your story

but at the same time you have nothing else to say

you never did anything for the jungs but copy files and pretend to be a clueless intern

what were you supposed to do, lie and say you were also part of the jung family? act like you’d ever done anything remotely bad in your life?

but thankfully the sharp object is pulled back from your neck

“take them out of here. mark will come soon.”

you wonder what that means, and it must be obvious because his father just grins as he leans closer to you

“you may think mark is just another nine to five suit, but he’s not. he’s much more than that. he’s a ruthless man. he’ll come to save you, sure but he’s my blood and i know that as a lee - he can’t stand losing.”

ruthless? mark?

“he acts like an angel doesn’t he, sweet and soft. but he’s capable of destruction.”

you’re reminded of those moments in the alley

of mark looking angry, knuckles white and eyes over flooded with emotions

but even that,,,,,,you don’t think that mark could ever,,,,kill someone

you’re lugged away and as you turn your head you see the tiger on the back of the robe stare you down

just like predicted, mark does come

but he comes alone and lies to jaehyun that he and you have gone off on a work assignment for doyoung

in a matter of hours, jaehyun and everyone else will know that he lied

but mark hopes he can deal with this in enough time

his family isn’t notorious for being patient

when he arrives at his old home, the guards outside only let him in when he’s surrendered his weapon and phone

he walks through the familiar halls until he reaches his father’s office

all the while scouting it out for any signs of you

“ive hidden them, but you’re still welcome to come in my boy”

his fathers voice booms from the other side

and mark does so

avoiding the glares of other members of the gang who he knows will never forgive him for working for the jungs

“im here. now let them go.”

“i will i will, but first off let me look at you. you’ve grown.”

before mark can talk back he feels someone tear off the jacket he’s wearing

he turns to swing at the person, but they’re fast and catch his fist

“i need to make sure you really are my son before we can chat”

“what the hell-”

the hand that’s holding his fist tightens and mark suddenly feels the other hand rip at his right sleeve

it easily comes off and exposed on his upper bicep is the same tiger tattoo as the rest of the lee family

his father smiles and the hands let mark go in his tattered clothing

“bring them out”

you’re still tied at the arms, but seeing as though you pose no threat you’re allowed to walk out on your own

when you see mark, you gasp

because his torn clothing and expression make it look like he’s just seen hell

but his father just waves it off and continues talking to mark as if you aren’t even there

“i know you want to come back mark.”

“i am never coming back to this family.”

“now don’t say that, don’t make me hurt your precious little co-worker.”

you see the guards at the door inch closer to you and mark looks you in the eyes

“ill save you. i promise.”

he mouths and his father steps closer

“to save them, you have to come back to me. to the family. you have the tattoo after all. this is where you’re meant to be.”

mark hangs his head low, all of his hair falls to cover his eyes and you think he’s about to lean forward and bow

but instead he just says

“kill me instead”

your eyes widen and without thinking you yell “NO!”

and marks father snaps his fingers so one of the guards clasps their hand over your mouth

you squirm, shaking your shoulders left and right but it’s useless and mark grits his teeth

“just let them go first and then kill me”

“you’re willing to die for them?”

“im willing to die if it means you’ll let them go and i don’t have to come back to this monstrous place”

with an almost exasperated sigh his father turns on his heel

“no, no i won’t do that. if you want to be difficult, then ill just let you have some time to think it over.”

with that, another guard grabs mark and the two of you are hauled off into a windowless room somewhere else in the house

you’re thrown and locked in together and as soon as the door shuts you look at mark

who looks messier than ever before and ask

“why don’t you want to work for your family?”

he looks up, but doesn’t answer, instead he just comes closer to you

and undoes the ties on your hand

there’s nothing in the room you two can escape with and instead of speaking mark just envelopes you in a hug

“you must have been scared, right?”

“mark, what is going on why are you-”

“i said i was going to keep you safe. i couldnt even do that.”

“no, im the one who ran off like an idiot. i thought i was always bothering you and thought-”

marks warm hand comes up against the side of your face

you see the tattoo on his skin and then look up into his eyes

and mark gives that sad smile

“you weren’t bothering me. having you around all this time has been so nice for me, you don’t even know. i just wished this would have never happened and we could have met under other circumstances”

there’s a silence that follows after he says that, mostly because you don’t know what to do or say

and you’re sure if this was a movie this would be the moment where he confesses he has a plan to get you two out

but he doesn’t

and instead

you kiss him

because you think that’s the only way to express what you feel

and mark kisses back, at first with restraint and then with an almost strong hunger

you pull back to breath and he apologizes softly if he startled you but you tell him that if anything you’re overjoyed that he feels,,,,like you do

“can i ask, because im still not sure, why do you not want to go back to your family?”

he covers the tattoo on his bicep as he answers

“they’re,,,,,,they’re too much. even for me. the jungs are dangerous, sure but they don’t aimlessly hurt others. ever since a kid i was trained to feel nothing for others so it’d be easy to watch someone die or even participate in it,,, but,,,”

mark winces and you feel like this is such a vulnerable memory for him

“but i couldnt. i cried when someone got hurt, i mourned people, and my family doesn’t do that. i just,,,,i guess im not,,,,”

“ruthless?”

you whisper and mark nods

“im not ruthless at all.”

“good, it means you’re human”

you lean in close and kiss him with a light feather touch that mark reacts to instantaneously

until you hear the door click

he recoils and makes sure to block your body with his from the door

“i think my father is back for me”

but when the door swings open, it isn’t his father

or any of the lee’s

it’s a pissed off looking jaehyun with a bloodied baseball bat

“there you two are, get up and let’s get out of here”

“how did you-”

“who cares, run!”

mark doesn’t question it and neither do you

you just let yourself be pulled up and with all your might you follow mark as you two make your escape

mark knows this house and he knows the winding paths that will get you two out

but you can hear jaehyun’s scream from somewhere

and then the sound of gunfire, punches, and more yelling

“don’t look back!”

mark urges and you shut your eyes instead and just let him lead you until you’re out on the street

jungwoo waves his hand from the window of a large SUV

mark lets you in first and as you follow the door shuts

“what about jaeh-”

“he can handle himself, the jungs know there’s no limit with the lee’s”

you feel mark tug you into his arms before you can say much more or even think about it

he holds you close up against him and you think this has to be a movie or some kind of dream

jungwoo speeds through seoul’s traffic and only when he comes to a safe stop somewhere you’ve never been before

does he turn to see you secure in marks arms and sigh

“didn’t johnny tell you not to make mark fall in love with you?”

you’re confused and mark tells jungwoo off for joking around in this kind of situation

but his grip on you never loosens

not when you’re back in the safety of one of the jung’s hideouts

not when yuta comes around to jokingly see if you’re alright

and this time he doesn’t even dare to lay a hand on you when mark is making it so obvious that he better not

not even when jaehyun comes back with just a minor injury across his eye

and not when he falls asleep against your shoulder

still wearing his torn shirt

your finger tracing the outline of the tiger on his skin

jaehyun looks at you two with concern, but then seems to shake it off

when mark finally does let you go, he tries to say sorry for the wild events that have happened

he talks about taking some money he has saved up and going to america or europe

somewhere where you two will be far from the jungs or lees or anyone in korea

and you just hold onto his hand and say

“ill go anywhere with you from now on.”

“but i dont want to force you from a normal life, i know it’s too late for one in korea but i can help you start somewhere new and then just disappear like this never happened”

you press your forehead to his and shake your head

“you said i have to stay with you twenty four seven”

mark grins

“ill change that to stay with me for forever?”

“i like that better”

#regular au #nct scenarios #nct imagines #mark scenarios #mark imagines #mark lee scenarios #mark lee imagines #nct 127 scenarios #nct 127 imagines #nct au #mark au #violence/#weapons/#i cant write action for the life of me

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smoresmoresmore · 5 years

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Will edit later

I just have to say

I was possibly exposed to Rabies and came to Tumblr for help and advice and was THOROUGHLY AND DISTURBINGLY DISAPPOINTED WITH THE RABIES TAG.

Omg

I was convinced I was going to die and searching anything Rabies related was UNHELPFUL AF. Not judging but y'all did not help lol.

Very long explanation of why I thought I was going to die:

Waking up to a bat (2 nights in a row) is not automatic cause to assume you will die but it is, I found out after talking to the Dept. Of Agriculture and their Epidemiologist, an immediate cause to go straight to the ER and get shot up with the vaccine and immunoglobulin so you DON'T POTENTIALLY DIE. It is not something the doctors can argue against and it is not something you should postpone. Especially since I was "under the influence" (Nyquil) at the time and even less likely to notice if I had gotten scratched or bitten. My being unaware was the key point in the urgency of going to the ER.

The ER doc was highly annoyed I knew just what to say ("I woke up with a bat in my face") and he grumpily admitted he was bound to follow CDC protocol. His annoyance was so obvious he repeatedly told me how unlikely it was I was bit and explained how "intense" the shots would be. I assume he felt the medicine could be put to better use on someone who was 100% sure and/or was injured. When I asked him what would happen to me if I WAS bitten and didn't get the shot like he wanted, he sighed and admitted "Well, you die."

"Well, shoot me up, doc!"

That night I got 7 shots. One in my arm, which hurt so bad--I guess because my nurse was new and may habe gone too deep because the subsequent shots I have gotten in the same arm haven't been anywhere near as painful-- and 6 in my buttcheeks. 3 in each.

Waking up from my Nyquil coma to a bat in my face was not fun. I had never related to those movie scenes of people screaming and running around afraid if bats. But jessuz. They are fast. And this one was swooping around my living room and deliberately getting super close to me. I had to hide under my blanket and in my fevered state this made me sweat. Trying to herd it to my now opened windows did not help. I tried to call police, fireman andnanimal control; the 1st two were useless and the 3rd was not open at 1am.

Eventually I reached out to my townie facebook group and got advice. White towels attract them. Or make it dark and quiet and hide--I did this as I was not going to run around with a towel in my undies like that video--which worked. 2 very concerned people urged me to go to a doctor.

"You say you have flu-like symptoms and a constant fever and you sleep in that room a lot. You really need to go to the ER. Rabies is so dangerous."

And after 2 nights of dealing with bats and my fever spiking right around the time they show up, I existed in a dark hole of stress. So much so that the second morning I woke up to my hand twitching erratically and my thumb muscle spasming and I started bawling. I had already gotten the shots the day before so I knew if I encountered anything rabid I should be okish (I still had 3 more to go before I was fully protected) but now, with my glitchy hand, I was panicking about "WHAT IF I ALREADY HAD IT?!"

Urgent Care had ruled out Strep twice for my odd sickness and had assured me I have a random virus and to just stay in bed for a few days. Which I had been doing faithfully, before getting bored and moving to my livingroom nest. I like to sleep in there a lot and often do when the weather is nice. I just made sure to drink water and tea and get sunlight and all the things. Including Nyquil. But my fevers were getting worse. I was feeling like crap. And now what we all assumed to be A Normal Virus was morphing into my worst nightmare.

Probably egged on by 101 temperatures, I called around until someone was willing to explaon to me whether I was dying or not. Getting told "You'll be fine. It is SO RARE," did not calm me down. I needed someone to explain how the long incubation period (months to a year) and symptoms (flu like, emotional, twitchy) did not match me.

I slept in that room on accident and on purpose since moving in almost 9 months ago. I'm a heavy sleeper and don't wake up easily. Iffff I had been bitten during one of my all-nighters doing math homework or essay writing, it makes sense I would suddenly get a random "virus" that isn't going away. I had it all worked out in my head. I was getting headaches in the sun and stores. I forced myself outside and out and about when I felt ok because fuck it if I was going to let this be a symptom I had. I was getting anxious in the shower but, knowing fear of water was a symptom, I forced myself to stay in it. (Turns out my paranoia was right. The water was starting to be hard and my skin was breaking out. It is very annoying. The timing was just horrendous)

All the doctors and nurses kindly told me I was safe since I had started the shots but no one had an answer for me when I asked if they helped if I hadddd it already. They weren't sure. The amount of information they have or are willing to share is astonishingly low.

After 2 hours of phone tag I was finallly able to get an appointment with an Infectious Disease Doctor. She told me that if I did have it there was no real evidence about the vaccine helping, especially since I had only had the first dose at that point. She told me it would be fast though and they couldn't tell until "you're foaming at the mouth." She asked to look in my mouth and when I told her about my drooliness she said to let her know if it got worse. She asked about my hand. I told her. She asked about numbness and I freaked cuz my arm did go numb at one point.

I askwd her about tests. I had read that there were a few--spinal fluid, spit, blood--that were not really reliable. She said since I had the vaccine and immunoglobulin in my system already they would show up and it would be pointless.

My only option was to wait. And chill. And try not to dwell on the fact that there is no answer or cure or way to find out if I should plan my trip to Oregon and die or if I should allow my boyfriend to visit me.

He was firmly in the You Don't Have Rabies camp and came over anyway to feed me soup and hang out. But I refused to kiss him. It made him very sad and probably extremely exasperated.

My boss was so done with me when he asked if I could come in the next day. "Sasha. You cannot have Rabies. Just come to work. You'll be fine." And I realized how crazy I sounded but I still warned all my coworkers.

Anyway, my lowgrade fever continued, my twitchiness stopped, my drooling stopped, my water was hard so I avoided the shower but cleaned my good bits, and once I doubled up my water intake my headaches disappeared. I went into a mini death spiral for a day but decided to force myself into believing I was fine.

When I started getting confused and fainty, I bought Iron supplements. When I started getting angry and anxious, I called my friends and got distracted. When it was time to get another shot, I made sure to update everyone of the weirdness Just In Case.

One nurse took the time to sit me down and listwn. That's really all I needed since no one had answers. I just needed my mind soothed and concerns not dismissed. She couldn't explain the muscle spasm but could definitely see why I was freaking out. She was the one who tested me for peace of mind. She looked into Lyme disease. She found my anemia. She explained that the amount of time that had elapsed made her sure I was going to be ok. She had watched people die in Africa from this and shw said it happens So Fast it is tragic. I would not be able to organize a trip to Oregon to die. I would become incoherent and slip away within days.

That was what I needed. A timeframe. A legit explanation of what it looks like and how it happens. And why I don't fit. This whole time I had been wondering how to tell my friends. Whether I could write all their numbers down in case I couldnt function enough to call them or remember my phone password. I was planning on cleaning my apartment so good so the landlord couldn't bash me when I was bouncing off the walls and hissing at him. I was deciding who I really needed to contact and who I could live without wasting breath on. I was planning a goodbye party. I told all 3 of my lovers ("´hey, I have this thing there is no real test for while you're alive but there is once you die so you can't get tested, and you may have it so got get shot up but no one is sure if that will help much," but I did tell them and it was hilarious to them. My favorite response being "RIP" and "F") And this all had put me in such a dark place that, coupled with a few shitty days at work with my bully of a manager, I also asked for a psych person to visit me after the Rabies shot.

After her talk I was like, oh. Thank godddd. And kinda annoyed at having to wait an extra hour in the ER for a talk that could wait til morning. But I chatted with rhem and asked for referral to a shrink since this had just highlighted how much I need help with my anxiety. Especially since the temporary issue of Rabies was being resolved but my cruel manager was still going to exist now that I was going to survive this beef with nature. It was nice to think of that way "my rabies beef is getting cooked" and the pscyh lady got me help. So that was nice. I just mainly needed to get healthy again so I could

I mean. Almostbarelybutnotreally facing a cruel death was a great way to look at life and reflect on some things. There are messes I am not at fault for, messes I avoid that I shouldn't, people and things I value and the objects that matter to me more than others for ridiculous reasons. I was so grateful to the staff for putting up with me. And for you for reading.

All of this just to say

Circle circle dot dot

Soon I get my last Rabies Shot

#rabies #cdc #cdc protocol #vaccines #vaccination #vaxxed #immunoglobulin #rabies vaccine #shots #medicine #bats #stress #i thought i was dying #and then tumblr happened #rabiosexual #rabidloving #feralgender #rabioromantic

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diggersofgraves · 5 years

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Man, I love Stranger Things, but im not really in the fandom, so idk what going on with this specific topic, but it's just something that I noticed and am connecting to my own experiences.

So Will's sexuality????

Idk if they did this on purpose or not, but he is at the very LEAST coded as gay (but like I said, this is also heavily based on my own experiences as a lesbian lol)

First, that whole "I'm never going to fall in love" conversation he had with Joyce??? I had that ALL the time with my family. They would tease me, saying "oh you'll understand when you meet the right boy" but I could not, for the life of me, see myself falling in love with a boy. Ever. So I told them. I'm never going to get married. I'm never going to all in love. It wasnt a "boys are gross" thing. It was me not feeling like I could fall in love with a boy, before knowing that girls were even an OPTION. As soon as i realized girls were an option???? I was out there planning my wedding in my head and shit.

Second, his attitude toward all his friends dating and shit. From what I know, a lot of LGBTQ+ people miss out on that teenager experience of dating and being silly and having a basically normal teenage experience. I can only imagine this is tenfold in the 80s. When my friends started dating boys, I was jealous, I guess??? That they got to grow up before I did. Because they forgot about me and payed more attention to their boyfriends. I wished it was like the old days. When we would go out to the mall or just hang out after school and watch movies. That's all i desperately wanted to do. It always felt like they were going everywhere together. I couldnt hang out with them one-on-one because they always wanted to bring their boyfriend. And I just wanted a day with no boys. Where we could go out and have fun again. I guess I was sad that my friends were becoming more distant, but I was also jealous that they got to experience this with no backlash from society. I think that attitude that Will holds toward his friends dating is very similar to that. And i dont think people have to know they're gay to feel that way. Theres also the frustration of not knowing why your friends are prioritizing these people over you while theyve known you longer, and the frustration of not being able to feel the same way as them, thus feeling estranged over the entire situation.

Lastly, I've seen people talk about the "Its not my fault you don't like girls." I agree with pretty much all that I've seen about that line, about how Mike doesnt seem to mean "yet" or anything. Will looks pretty betrayed. I took his reaction more as if it's something that everyone has noticed, but he didn't expect anyone to point out. Y'all, I feel this on the DAILY when my brother points out something to my mom that even slightly implies that i dont like boys. A feeling of panic-how did they know?- and a feeling of betrayal- if they figured it out, why would they say it out loud?. You just expect these people to keep quiet and if no one says anything, it's fine. But once confronted with it, it's a bit more real, no? Its just a feeling of panic and betrayal. I really felt that scene.

I'm not really good at categorizing my feelings nor am I good at any sort of analytical stuff, but these things felt so on the nose about my own experiences, I couldn't help but point it out. Like I said, all these things are based very heavily on my own experiences and I felt like Will's were very relatable to mine. Idk if this was on purpose on behalf of the writers or it was just a coincidence, but that doesnt change the fact that i,,,,, feel Will's character and experience on a personal level. And I wanted to talk and reflect on it. So there it is.

(And while we're on a similar subject, Robin makes me fucking CRY because her experience of liking a girl is also VERY relatable and I love her. So much. Y'all dont even know. Fuck.)

#stranger things #st #stranger things spoilers #st spoilers #will byers #idk what robins last name is #bc i dont pay attention #but also they probably didnt say it lol #also like i said #i have no idea what the general strangers things fandoms' stance is on this subject #so oops if this is something they dont like lmao #also sorry if this is very messy #as stated before i uhm #have a hard time categorizing my feelings

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bougiebutbalanced · 4 years

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An Apology & Cease-Fire

I try hard to love myself. It’s something that I actively practice everyday. Now before pass judgement, roll your eyes and think “its easy to love yourself when you look like that” I’m gonna stop you right there. This isn’t how I’ve always looked. And certainly not how I always felt. I’ve battled the demons in my mind and mirror for as long as I can remember.

I grew up in a time when everyone wore extra low rise jeans and tiny tops that displayed their belly rings. Xtina was dirrty, Paris Hilton was hot, 00 was the ideal size and the resident It Girl informed us that nothing tasted as good being skinny felt.

But.... I wasn't built to wear 00 jeans. While my peers struggled to find jeans that were small enough around their waste yet long enough to cover their ankles, I fit comfortably into a size 6. I had an hourglass figure for as long as I could remember. But since I’m not Latina and those only person who it was acceptable to have curves was JLo, I began to develop some insecurities about myself.

From the time I was about 12 I began every morning on the scale. Not my idea, non-optional, and overseen by my mom -one of my main demons disguised as a guardian angel. 3 little numbers would dictate whether I would climb into the shower and danced (150-151lbs) or cried (152lbs): for reference I was about 5’7-5’8. Thus began my war against my body. And I lost every battle.

Growing up, I became aware that every group of friend had a fat friend --And when the DUFF book/movie eventually came out I began to think maybe I wasn't alone-- I had originally noticed this because that friend was always me. I had a habit of scanning whatever room I was in and mentally sorting the girls from best body to fattest. And being excited when I wasn’t in last. Albeit i was usually second to last.

I began to binge. However the only eating disorders that existed were anorexia and bulimia- there was no such thing as a disorder where you ate copious amounts of junk food without the purge part (which for me came later). I was consumed with shame and guilt

The root of my shame and guilt stemmed from my mom. She has a my way is the best way attitude. With everything in life. She has an opinion on everything and if you don’t respond with “wow best idea ever how would I live without you” she gets upset. Those are her own insecurities, but they manifest in unhealthy ways towards me. Having a mom who judged everything I ate created constant shame and guilt around food. But when I wanted to do some kind of diet, she was supportive until it was inconvenient for her. Like if we were going out for dinner or if she was having people over then I should “just have a little.” Or that time everyone was going vegetarian so I tried too and she made ribs and tacos and other things I loved trying to “break” me. Thanks mom

This also led to my distain for exercising. Actually, just my distain for running. I hate running. Always have. It hurts and it’s boring and I’ve never been great at it. But my mom became a runner in her 20s and therefore it’s the only way to get healthy. I would’ve preferred spin classes or to try Pilates and I love swimmning but she didn't like those things and therefore in her mind they were inferior to the almighty option for weight loss: Running. Not cardio in general, just running.

Then, in my early 20′s I got sick. I had a flare up of PCOS (super common auto immune and if you have it go to a naturopath and follow the diet- you’ll feel sooo much better I promise) I gained weight uncontrollably. But I also binged uncontrollably so I’m sure that contributed. I was also dangerously anemic which caused major depression. However I’m going to skip over most that time because it was a long and painful process of recovery.

Before I lost all energy to do anything all I knew was that I was gaining weight and so I lived on celery and hummus and went to the gym twice a day. I also tried to push thru my exhaustion, resting in my mom's eyes in lazy and therefore unacceptable, in her eyes you couldn't possibly heal if you were just laying on the couch, you should be up and moving. A prime example of this is when I got home from Australia, I’d drive the 20min in from our house to her office and I’d be so tired I’d have a headache from keeping my eyes open. But she told me it was jet lag just go to the gym and work it off... it was mono. We found out after it got really bad. I’d helped to unload 200 bails of hay and that night my glands swoll up to golf balls. The next day I was diagnosed and the dr said no impact sports or heavy lifting or my spleen could burst, it was pure luck that I was okay after lifting those bails.

Anyway, I was in my early 20s and now the Kardashians curves were envied and Kate Upton was the epitome of gorgeous, times had changed...but so had I. I was at my sickest, and my heaviest (260lbs) looking back at my high school pictures and wondering why I thought I was fat. If I could just get back to that weight, I’d be so happy. Yet, I’d cry when I saw memes about having a fast metabolism in high school because I never had one. So the war raged on, I hated how I didn’t look like I did in high school, yet I hated that I was skinny in high school....and I never saw the link.

Eventually I healed, and went on a diet (its called Ideal Protein and its Keto). I did this diet 3 times. The first I went back down to 180. Then went off it, and gained back up to about 220. Then I went back on it and dropped to 195, went off and gained back to 210...then slowly over the next year I gained back up to 220. And then I tried to be bulimic. Turns out I like the feeling of throwing up (ya that might be weird) so I’d binge and binge and then throw everything up. I’d go shopping and try things on and when they didn't fit, I’d swear to myself that I’d “commit” to being bulimic, and do it twice a day. But it didn't help me lose weight, it just slowed down the gain.

The third time and final time I did the Ideal Protein I was in a different (and much better) place mentally thanks to the therapist I was seeing at the time. I dropped to 165, and when I went off it I went vegan. I bought my own groceries and even though I live with my parents they work out of town so I’m mostly on my own for meals too. Sometimes I go through phases where I eat unhealthy and I go up in weight and then I go through phases where I eat very healthy, i.e: vegan (not preaching for everyone to be vegan but I’ve found that it works well for me personally) gained up to 175 and then lost (on my own). I’m currently in one of those going up phases and whatever. It started when I went to Bali and enjoyed myself, then I was unemployed and stressed so not a great reaction (I sprained my ankle in Bali so no dynamic exercise and even a lot of yoga poses I couldn't do) and now I’m on vacation for Xmas. I don’t enjoy what my body looks like right now but I’m trying not to care. I know when I go home I’ll choose healthy foods again. When my ankle heals I’ll go back to dynamic execrsices and when I get a new job I’ll begin going to barre classes because they’re my fave.

Most importantly, I recently realized that I had been so wrong. I thought because I’d tried starving my body or tried throwing up everything that wasn't healthy for me, but that didn’t help me to lose weight so I thought I’d lost that battle. I tried to exercise everyday and often I’d push till I couldnt go on, but I didn't see any progress so that didn't work for me and I’d lost that battle too. For reference, the first time I did Ideal Protein I went from 260lbs - 180lbs and even though my jeans were smaller I couldn't see a difference in my reflection....so body dysmorphia was at play. I lost the battle when I tried to be healthy so I’d binge and binge and go months without any form of exercise. And it didn't matter. Because when I was losing weight (minus this last time), or when I was eating chocolate and pizza in the dark, I hated myself. I hated that I had to wear clothes that were “flattering” (I word I despise because in my moms world thats a compliment) instead of clothes that were trendy. And every time I’d see my reflection or a picture of me I’d feel like I’d lost or failed. But I was wrong. But I was wrong in thinking I was the loser in this war. Because I controlled the shots and my body was the one that had to adapt to the restriction or the overload. It was the one that shrunk and grew in response to my actions that were all done out of anger, frustration, and hate so even when my body was getting exercise or nourishment it was always starved of love.

So this decade. And those that come after it. It will be loved. There’s no wagons to fall off of or tracks to get back on. They’re all phases. Like seasons of the year or phases of the moon, some are darker than others but all are necessary for life and all have their good and bad characteristics. I love that I sometimes allow myself to indulge (such as my current choices). But I also love that I choose to supply nourishment and movement to my body. I love myself enough to supply my vessel with nourishment. Now I move my body in ways that feel good i.e. low impact(yoga, barre, walks with my dog). And I also recognize that sometimes its better that I don’t move at all. Such as, it’s better to take 1-2 days of nothing but Netflix and delivery in order to recharge then to push through stress and exhaustion and struggle through before I eventually burn out, where I spend 2-3 WEEKS watching Netflix and getting delivery but hating myself while doing so and feeling like a failure.

I’m so sorry to my that it went so long without love and validation. I promise to fill the rest of them with compassion and fun and understanding. Here’s to end of 2019 and good start to 2020; the end of a decade, but the start of an age (yes that’s a TSwift lyric)

Love Me <3

#goal weight #weight loss journey #health #fitness #health and body #vegan #body postivity #love yourself #gratitude

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mythical-song-wolf · 5 years

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BNHA Angst Week

Day 7: Rose // Time

White day was fast approaching and normally, after being in a relationship for so long, Izuku would be excited for that day. Because he gets to pamper and get pampered by his Kacchan.

But he can’t do that.

Why?

Because he’s back a good decade or so before he even started dating Katsuki. He’s back in middle school, a good month before the sludge villain and meeting All Might. Over a good year before he and Kacchan finally clear up that misunderstanding that was— is simmering between them since they were kids.

But Deku just wants his Kacchan, even if only for a moment. He’s knows it’s selfish. He knows it’s wrong. He knows he shouldn’t be doing things. But... the heart wants what the heart wants and Deku doesn’t know if he’ll be okay if he doesn’t at least do this.

Izuku goes out to buy somethings. He’ll need to be careful when buying it. Hopefully Kacchan doesn’t see him, he doesn’t know what he’ll do if he sees those beautiful crimson eyes again.

Katsuki stops over to class, irritated and patience waning since he woke up.

First his mom had to shout him awake, saying that her and the old man will be out to get stuff for White day and all that shit.

Second, he was reminded fucking White day was coming up. The day he was planning on asking that nerd... Before that bastard... No. He shouldn’t think of it. There’s no use thinking about it when he’s been set back by literal years. Him and Deku aren’t a thing yet.

Deku is still the derogatory nickname he used for Izuku for years. It’s not the name of a hero just yet.

Deku, to Katsuki at this point in the timeline, is a useless, Quirkless, weak pebble on the side of the road that Katsuki should not pay mind to.

But Katsuki knows better. He’s a goddamn time traveller, of course he would know better. He knows Deku has a better heart than most Pro Heroes. He knows Deku would sacrifice himself again and again and again to save someone. He knows Deku is stronger than anyone he’s ever met. He knows Deku is the name of a hero, of a Symbol of Hope.

He knows that Deku is the name that brought— will bring hope in people’s hearts. Brought— bring hope in the hearts of Ochako, Tenya, Shouto, Eri, Sir Fucking Nighteye, and various other people.

But to him, Deku is the name of the guy that was always chasing after him. The guy he’s known since they were kids. And while they were never on friendly terms before U.A.. They always had a strange synergy with each other. When they didn’t think about it they moved seamlessly and in tandem with the other.

The first time it happen outside of training and life threatening situations is after they had long since started dating and moved into the same apartment. They were making dinner one night and they weaved and moved around perfectly with the other, passing things along and moving as easily as they would in a battle. The realization that they didn’t say a word to each other during the entire time they were cooking hit them when they were eating as one of them started talking.

They paused, before they broke out in a fit of giggles. A warm fluttering in their hearts as they smiled and laughed so hard that their cheeks started to hurt and they could both barely breathe.

After they calmed down, Izuku sighed, looking at Katsuki with his shining green eyes, “I love you...” He smiled at him with his eyes shining like emeralds reflecting the colour of the sea during sunset.

Katsuki smiled back, “I love you too, dork,” He chuckled, “Now, let’s eat?”

Izuku chuckled, before nodding, “Yeah.”

Katsuki’s heart flutters at the memory, before it painfully coils. He can’t have that now. He can’t have that for a long, long time. He won’t wake up to Izuku’s cute freckled mug in the morning. He won’t come home to cuddle with Izuku on the couch after a rough day. He won’t have the cheesy but nice walks down the park or beach during sunset. He won’t have Izuku looking at him like he’s... no, Izuku already looks up to him. He just won’t have Izuku looking at him the way he looks at Izuku right now.

Katsuki goes out. He doesn’t want to— shouldn’t be home alone right now. He might do something stupid like break a window or make a dent in the wall.

Izuku was pacing through the market, a checklist in hand and a hood over his head.

“Let’s see, I need some chocolate, cream... cocoa powder... caramel... food colouring...” Izuku mutters, as he walks into a grocery store and weaves through the aisles of the store. Briefly glancing up to check the shelves for the item’s he’s looking for and picking out what he needs.

Izuku hums once he’s done, “Perfect! Now I just need to do— Oof!” He bumps into another person while turning the corner.

“Sorry—” The voice sounds familiar... probably one of his classmates... great.

Izuku shakes his head, “No, it’s fin—” Izuku looks up see pale blonde hair and crimson red eyes. His heart stops. No.

“De- Deku...” Kacchan mutters, hesitant and unsure, sounding nothing like the boy Izuku remembers him to be at this time. But Izuku doesn’t notice over the own ache in his heart.

Izuku swallows down the fear in his system, “Ka- Kacchan...”

The two just stand there for a few moments, staring at each other. As if they’re trying to find something that they have already accepted it isn’t there.

He’s not yours yet.

I know.

“We- Well, Kacchan, I- I need to go,” Izuku stutters, hopefully Katsuki doesn’t notice the crack in his voice, taking a step back before walking around Katsuki.

Katsuki breaks out of his haze when Izuku leaves, he sighs and combs a hand through his hair.

Good job, shithead. You scared him.

Shut up... He... he isn’t the... he’s not my Izuku.

Not yet.

Katsuki shakes his head, ignoring the stupidly hopeful whispers in his brain telling him to woo Izuku now and not make the same mistakes as before. He wants to, too. Oh how he fucking wants to. How much he wants to change how he treated Izuku. How much he wants to change how terrible they both were at communicating properly. How... he so badly wants to change how Izuku looks at him, with his pretty eyes staring at him like a rabbit sensing a predator. How Izuku seems to freeze the moment they lock eyes, unmoving and scared. Scared of Katsuki.

Katsuki shakes his head, telling his brain to stop, before he continues buying stuff from the store with the occasional sight of Deku’s fluff green hair.

Katsuki sees the flower display and spots a suisen.

Maybe I should...

Izuku was currently sleeping the warmth of his bed, a warm figure pressed against his back holding him close.

Izuku instinctually snuggles up closer to them, “Kacchan...”

“Mhm,” Katsuki grumbles, nuzzling his face into Izuku’s hair.

A part of Izuku’s brain jolts into awareness, you were sent back. Kacchan shouldn’t be here.

Another part, the selfish, foolish, hopeful part of his brain hopes that it’s a lies and wants this to be real. To just have Katsuki with him, right now. Let him have this. Please.

A soft voice whispers in Izuku’s eat, the warmth of their breath making Izuku shiver, “Deku... I’m not there... wake up, Deku, wake up... I’m not there, bunny.”

“Mhm,” Izuku grumbles in protest, “But you’re right here.” Izuku grabs onto Katsuki’s hand that rests on his chest.

Katsuki sighs, and it’s heavy, tired, and wary, “I’m sorry... but... I’m not. He didn’t send me back... Only you... time for you to wake up, Deku... Izuku, wake up.”

Izuku feels himself trembling, clutching onto the hand holding him close, “Please, let me have this,” Izuku begs, as he feels tears roll down his cheeks, “Just let me have him back, just this one moment. Please.”

Katsuki doesn’t say anything, but the warmth from his form is long gone now that Izuku is aware.

“I’m sorry, bunny.” Izuku can feel Katsuki’s presence fading, he turns to see Katsuki actually fading away like an illusion or a dream.

“Please... no... Kacchan... Katsuki... don’t leave me...” Izuku tries to grab some part of the fading figure.

“Please, Izuku, love, don’t cry. Please.” Katsuki places his palm on Izuku’s cheek and wipes away a few tears. Izuku leans into his touch and places his own palm over Katsuki’s, as he fades away and Izuku is left all alone.

When White Day came, Izuku and Katsuki went by the day as normal. Izuku with his isolation and notes, and Katsuki with his showboating. Neither interacting unless provoked by one of their classmates.

Lunch rolls by and the moment everyone leaves, Izuku places something on Katsuki’s desk.

Katsuki returns with his lackeys near the end of lunch to spot a box of chocolate on his desk with flowers. A white rose, a primrose, a red camellia, and a gladiolus. Katsuki looks at the box and the small bouquet for a moment, before glancing around to try and find Deku.

It couldn’t have... no. It’s probably some other idiot... but did this happen in the first timeline? Maybe I’m going a bit insane... but it could’ve only have been him...

Katsuki gently places the box and flowers in his bag.

The school day has ended, and Izuku isn’t surprised he didn’t receive anything from anyone. But it still hurts. A foolish and selfish part of him had hoped that Katsuki was sent back with him and would give him something, but Izuku knows better than that.

Upon opening his locker, a small note falls out.

‘Happy White Day, bunny~ <3

Love, your’s truly’

Bunny... Only Katsuki has ever...

Izuku’s heart flutters at the possibility.

It... it’s never bad to hope... right?

Inside his locker he finds a few more things, a small arrangement of flowers and a box of chocolates. A daffodil, a white camellia, a yellow camellia, a yellow tulip, and a blue iris that stands out amongst the brighter colours.

Izuku walks home holding the flowers and the box of chocolates close to his heart.

#bnha #mha #boku no hero academia #my hero academia #bnha-angst-week #bnha angst week #bakugou katsuki #midoriya izuku #bakumido #bakudeku #izukatsu #katsudeku #deku #kacchan #off the clock

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r0xelita · 6 years

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Lets talk about something super personal and important thing: EMOTIONAL LABOR

Since I have no one to talk about this issue and i often see how fixated society is about not opening up about mental illness because it is still seen as personal weakness I feel the NEED to share my thoughts on this topic and my personal experience with it. I am not seeking pity for my situation, I just want you to think about your own position towards emotional Labor and I BET many many many of you will probably relate to the things im going to say.

I hear it very oftenly that people envy me because of my lifestyle, because it seems to be so romantic and achievable: i do cool art stuff, i am a good dancer, i study at art school which seems chilling for many people, i love to powerlift, have good athletic skills, a unique style, a beautiful apartment, a sweet dog, many people view my look as desirable and many other stuff i hear. Yes, these things are strengths of mine, these are things that make me feel alive. I can take these compliments and i am happy that people love these things about me (except the fact how i look this is not a personal strenght or anything that makes someone worthy of love). ...

But the thruth is that these are things that only sound romantic in theory. I am not happy with my life. And i often hear that these things are reasons that I HAVE NO RIGHT to be unhappy because other people view them as positive. And here is the reason why i am constantly unhappy in my oh so pretty life: the amount of EMOTIONAL LABOR i am bringing up towards almost everyone in my life and how it slowly kills you when you dont stop it in time!!

I am happy to say that i am a (not yet fully) recovered grown up that is very aware of their actions and seeks constantly for self improvement, since i started therapy in 2008 i am very focused on my 'mental hygiene' and i am good at handeling myself with all my deficits and taking care of myself. Even though the emotional labor stuff is this one thing i think is super hard to handle because you somehow can not act as the FULLY grown up sometimes.

Every day is unbelievably EXHAUSTING. In many relationships (not only romantic) in my life i brought this HEAVY amount of emotional labour and not getting anything in return and just ending up being exhausted by starting the same conversations over and over again, taking responsibilites of other people because i was accepting the fact that they "couldnt do it", taking alot of damage because i confounded neglecting your own needs with "being emotional strong" and thinking that it somehow is your own fault rather than letting the other person to be held accountable of their own shit behaviour.

You can say it - on a psychoanalytic level- that it really is somehow my fault. It is scientifically proven that we always seek for partners or relationships that we think can solve our childhood trauma. I grew up under extremely chaotic circunstances without any stability in my life which heavily affected my mental health as a child and teenager. Due to emotional abuse, manipulation, violence and the fact that my feelings or just the way i am is not valid and always wrong i (just like every child that learns any concepts and behaviour to be accepted by their parents because its dependent on then) adapted everything i felt and did with the goal of being loved, valued and accepted.

(This is a very critical topic when your parents also suffer from mental illness, i do not want to speak of guilt and i do not want to call anyone out.)

So logically seeking for partners that somehow represent your parents to replay your childhood trauma with the hope of solving it, everyone does this, even the mentally healthy people and it is not always a negative thing. For me it was falling in love with way older men who seemed to be able to give me the fatherly validation that i was missing, but also ending up with men who are aggressive, shouting when theyre angry and letting me down. You seek for these things because these are the situations that you are used to and give you a kind of false comfort.

When i became aware of my problem and seeing my childish needs that were never fullfilled (and sadly developong a personality disorder because at one point you start feeling and acting like you learned it from your parents) I seeked therapy... and it helped me to turn into a well reflected, grown up responsible person. I am obsessed with improvement and my psychological knowledge is probably the most expanded thing about me lol. So i am sometimes a little bit too fixated about "doing the right things" and not letting my chilhood trauma to control my life anymore. But this is also a dangerous thing, as it collaborates with my childish concept that other peoples well being is more important than my own i somehow, like i said before, i felt like being emotionally developed and strong allows me to put up with problematic behaviour and seeing it as a kind of self validation, like being the one who is strong and has the capacity of helping people who are still struggling with their deficits.

But this is SO WRONG. Just because you are strong doesnt mean that your partner/family member/any person has to use your ressources without giving anything in return.

Just because the other person has misconceptions as a side effect of their trauma it gives them NO RIGHT to act their unreflected emotions out!!

YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR OTHER PEOPLES BAD FEELINGS. YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANYONE FEELING "ATTACKED". THEY HAVE NO RIGHT TO ATTACK YOU JUST BECAUSE THEY FEEL ATTACKED.

THEY HAVE NO RIGHT TO ACT IT OUT JUST BECAUSE YOU TRIGGERED THEIR TRAUMA.

EVERYONE HOLDS THEIR OWN ACCOUNTABILITY OF HOW THEY FEEL AND ACT.

A PERSONS ABUSE DOES NOT JUSTIFY ABUSING YOU.

YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE TO TALK ABOUT YOUR NEEDS AND FEELINGS.

And so the roles reversed, i am unvoluntarily often in the role of the caretaker, the mother, the one who has to put away their problems. When i want to critzise someone i have to think about how other people will interpret my critique/problem according their own beliefs and traumata, most people will see it as you attacking them. But me not talking about my problems is not the right solution, it would put me in the same role as i was as a child. So the right way is to take your responsibility to talk about your needs and problems and setting limitations towards the person feeling attacked and the following abusive behaviour against you.

But why is this so hard for so many people? Think about your emotional labour you are bringing up to the table. Think about how many times the other person does not reflect their behaviour. Think about how you ALWAYS have to explain why something is wrong and literally have to play the therapist or mother just because they do not care about their emotional hygiene and they do not take the responsibility of their needy child inside of them. Think about how often you hear "I feel bad because YOU.../I am angry because YOU.../YOU are responsible for how i feel!". Thinking about all the times they are "sorry" but never make any serious attempt to change their situations and keep putting the responsibility for everything on you (and even keep justifying their actions/feelings)

Think about how much energy you spent to "make them feel better" until you realize that this is not your fucking job. Think about how many times you asked yourself if it maybe was your guilt? Think about how many of your expectations they meet, what you get in return? How many times did you think "I have to put up with this because i love this person/they are my family/etc." and you also keep justify their abuse, because you HAVE to be the wrong one? It will ALWAYS create an imbalance in a relationship and you will never be on the same eye level, which is the absolute basic thing any sort of relationship needs.

There is a huge stigma of being the one who acts wrong, so many people do absolutely not want to admit that they did anything bad or are in an abusers position. In my therapy i learned to have a healthy relationship to my mistakes, bad actions do not define me and i have enough self confidence to admit when i am wrong and i am reflected enough to be aware of taking responsibility of it. Thats how learning works. But back to the topic.

That means me putting up with this equals not taking care of my emotional wellbeing. That is my BIG mistake. Ive already lost alot because of my duty to take care of myself and speaking. For example the half of my family. This is a sad thing but i can live with it because i know i acted like a grown up and recognized their false (childish) behaviour. And then comes my emotional labour again: i want them to understand the situation, I HAD to explain that i am not personally attacking them, I wanted to make them feel better by forcing them to think about themselves. I was the one who reflected THEIR feelings.... and putting mine away. I stopped. This was not right. I had to leave them with their misconceptions. I had to leave them with their anger. They are responsible. And i am responsible for saving myself from behaviour like this. You cant be always the understanding person who puts up with everything. You can not achieve/force their understanding. Its not your problem. And not your fault.

(Believe it or not. It is also a misogynistic concept rooted in our society where the woman needs to put up with mens shit, childish behaviour is a thing that is accepted in men, almost expected, so many will not feel the need to think about themselves, seek therapy or seeing anything wrong in their behaviour. It also explains why most of straight couples are more like mother/son relationships because their (aware or not) inner child seeks for a second mother lmao. What i want to say: it is not an indivdual problem, rather a cultural/social one. )

I am still in relations such like that. How does my "romantic and achievable" life look like. It looks like lying in the bed. The whole day. I cannot move, i have zero energy. I have several somatic issues like chronic intestinal and stomach cramps, aching limbs, migraines, fatigue, i am literally never hungry because i am full of emotions that there is no room for food and when i force myself to eat i always have the feeling i need to throw up (not in relation to my bulimic past, its rather the cramps that cause this feeling), my skin is terrible because of my psoriasis which gets worse with every stressful event.

I do nothing. I cant finish my comic. I cant get myself together to make art. I barely response to messages. I often skip class. I have problems to handle a 3 peoples household on my own. I barely do things i enjoy. I isolate myself from people.

Not because i think thats right. I learned how to handle depression issues. But can you imagine how fucking big the impact of emotional labor can be, even on a person who is in good therapy for 10 years?

I try anything. I change my noutrishment, my environment, i pay for medicaments and try to fix these symptomps. But it wont help. You have to work on the root. Take care of yourself. Of YOUR emotional hygiene. Yes, help other people and be supportive but never never ever put yourself away to make others feel better. You can be a loving partner/son/daughter/friend/etc. and STILL take responsibility! You are not a rehabilitation center for other people.

Yes, it is hard to keep the balance. But you will figure it out and will grow!!!

#personal #emotional labor #emotional load #feminism #sexism #misogyny #psychology #bpd

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