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loveemagicpeace · 3 months

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🍬Uranus Energy🍬

Uranus may signify death through accident, injury, or natural disaster, but at least it never signifies the death-in-life that is characteristic of Saturn. Thus, although Uranus energies can be extremely difficult to live with, the measure of chaos that they introduce is essential for life. Life is to a great extent a balancing of the orderly forces of Saturn with the chaotic forces of Uranus. Each has its place, and each needs to be kept in check by the other. Uranus represents something very different, very unique. But can also be very strange and unfamiliar. Anywhere you have uranus in your house it shows where your life is the most different. Uranus energies coming too soon in life can cause a chronically erratic quality that prevents any kind of maturation and produces an individual incapable of taking part in the social contract. Such people are automatic rebels: they rebel simply to negate order, even when order is still useful. Whatever it may affect or symbolize takes the form of something unusual, far different from the everyday world.

🦋Uranus in 1st house- you might present yourself differently to others or feel somehow out- of step. You can play a role as outsider, bringing valuable insight to outmoded situations. Your appearance is unique and your beauty can also be original and different from others. These people tend to have a different perspective than the rest. They think and look at life outside the box. You usually don't like things related to systems, you prefer to stick to your own rules. This placement often indicates an unconventional approach to life. This suggests that you are a very individualistic person, who operates the best on their own.

🌱Uranus in 2nd house-Financial fortunes might be subject to sudden changes, perhaps a result of not playing it safe. Income might come from independent freelance sources. Your money can go up and down very quickly. You can also have a different way of making money. This can lead to a unique approach to finances, a deep understanding of personal values, and an unconventional path to self-expression. Another strength of this placement is its innovative, progressive energy. You have a different way of managing your money. You spend a lot of money on things that are more dreamy. You have a free way of managing money and it doesn't mean much to you.

🌱Uranus in 3rd house- Your mind works at lightning speed. You can be single-minded in the way you think, with a talent for presenting the opposite view. Your way of thinking is often contradictory and different from the others. Many times your thinking and manner can confuse other people. This can also mean that your relationship with relatives is distant and cold. Your thoughts are often ahead of their time, leading you to challenge established ideas and concepts. Uranus here can also cause sudden accidents on the road. You have to be careful how you drive.

💕Uranus in 4th house- Early independence may have been high on the agenda. You might opt to rent rather than buy, so you can change the scenery from time to time. At home, you can often be rebellious and do things on your own. The relationship with the mother can be more distant, cold and perhaps strange. You can move a lot and the moves are usually sudden. Uranus can make a home unstable and strange.

🍭Uranus in 5th house-You have potential for genuine creative originality, although your challenge might be to allow it to land and take form, because each idea is rapidly superseded by the next. Your dates are usually sudden, different, and you may always feel that this area is not so close to you. Many times people can suddenly surprise you (positively or negatively) - also many times you don't get an answer as to why something happened the way it did. You can also suddenly fall in love. Pregnancy can happen spontaneously and the child may be born different from the others.

🍸Uranus in 6th house- You probably need some excitement in your daily round. Being freelance might suit you, so you can set your own routine and timetable. You like work that is independent and free. Above all, what you need is freedom - you hate when someone is above you and tells you what to do. Your rebellious path can be most effective through work. But since this house also represents the physical body, health - it means that you may have some disease that is unusual or you may have some skin problems that are unusual.

🛼Uranus in 7th house- You may prefer to break up with someone who curtails your freedom. Partners may seem unpredictable, but perhaps an assertion of your independence is at the root of it. You can go into a relationship suddenly or end it suddenly. Many times you can attract people who are different, strange, unique, smart. You can have certain conditions that you like about the relationship and stick to them. Few meet your standards. But you need a lot of freedom. Uranus can mean that marriage can be sudden. The law, however, can be quite different from normal laws. It suggests an individual who seeks independence, freedom, and excitement within their intimate connections. Uranus in this house indicates that you seek the company of people who have similar views as you do.

🏹Uranus in 8th house- You can shine intellectual light into life's mysteries, bringing clarity and rational discourse. It might be important to you to maintain your distance in intimate encounters. Because it is also the house of transformation, rebirth & things connected with needles, blood also sugerirs. It also means that you can go for sudden surgery. It can also mean a sudden loss. But you can deal with a loss in a different way than others. They are likely to attract unconventional partners who challenge their views on intimacy and shared resources. It can lead to successful relationships, marriages, and beneficial business opportunities. On the other hand, it can also create disruption in relationships due to its unpredictable nature and an unwillingness to conform.

🥊Uranus in 9th house-Going to university or grappling with religious principles can bring enlightenment - but you might also be inclined to question, rejecting orthodoxy and tradition. You can be very rebellious when it comes to church, religion, other culture and you can also be very controversial about that. Cuz you can also have your own religion that you believe in. Your opinion about the world can be completely different and the places that interest you can also be very unusual. You can also travel to places that others would never go. Especially to unpopular places. You can also have a very unpopular opinion about the world things & around you.

🎱Uranus in 10th house-Bowing to authority is not your style and you may choose work which encourages your independent vision and allows you to change track when it suits you. You can also be very rebellious when it comes to authority figures. The career may be in constant motion, but this can make it difficult to identify with a profession. They are often innovative thinkers with a knack for science and technology, and they bring originality and ingenuity into their development efforts. This often leads to unique and inventive career opportunities, an exciting public image, and the potential for innovative and progressive thinking.

🏝️Uranus in 11th house-This placement offers a parodox: how to maintain your freedom and autonomy within a democratic context. You could play the role of agitator, bringing radical change. You can have a unique way of doing things and seeing them. Many times it is strictly seen that you have the characteristics of uranus. U can also have very unique group or friends. This placement suggests that you enjoy taking part in online discussions where you can connect with like-minded people. Uranus here suggests that you are not interested in everyday goals, craved by most people. You have unique visions for your life. But you can also have the feeling that you are quite different from your friends (can also be lonely placement).

🧚🏼‍♀️Uranus in 12th house-Perhaps you hide your unconventionality so as to fit in - reclaiming this can help set you free. Your radar for collective trends can put you ahead of your time. You can also struggle with spirituality, things that are hidden ,unconscious -this doesn't mean that you don't believe in it, but you can have complex believing into this stuff. They may have dreams, intuitions, or sudden insights that challenge societal norms and traditional beliefs. It often happens with this placement that your parents expected a child with a different type of personality. As a child, you felt that you have to live up to their expectations, but you were struggling on the inside. Social conventions annoy you, but you struggle to express this.

🎸For personal readings u can sign up here: https://snipfeed.co/bekylibra 🎸

-Rebekah🎸❤️‍🔥🧚🏼‍♀️

#astrology #energy #zodiac signs #planets #astrological houses #uranus in houses #uranus

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myun-saidthoughts · 3 months

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8th House Synastry Observations

🍄 These types of connections (romantic or platonic) can't be lighthearted; if there is genuine care within the dynamic intensity is very likely.

🍄 You have to consciously tell yourself to "not react" in moments when the other person fails to meet your expectations.

🍄 Emotions flood within you before your brain can logically calm you down.

🍄 Upset facial expressions/elongated eye glances/staring oftentimes can occur when the other person is again *failing to meet expectations.*

🍄 You always will compare how *they* make you feel vs how other people make you feel.

🍄 With other intense synastry aspects (such as more 4h/12h, nodal, or vertex synastry) or genuine care, reading each other just by their eyes alone is extremely easy. Just by a look, you will know how they feel.

🍄 In these connections you may know what not to do, you logically will know that the long period of stares, the obvious dissatisfaction you feel is not really justified usually because of outside factors, the lack of foundation within the connection, or just by the fact there's been little to no communication on either end, and yet that doesn't change or minimize the pain or feelings you have towards them from their actions.

🍄 Even if one person doesn't have natal scorpio/pluto/8th house placements/aspects in their chart, if they care about the other person; they will also have intense expectations on the other person.

🍄 In a platonic opposite-gender connection where one party has a romantic partner, you might understand that their actions towards you should lessen, especially in respect towards their partner but despite that rational understanding, the pull of your connection with them often overrides. Even if a part of you wants to respect their relationship logically and consciously, the underlying need for their attention or care persists.

🍄 In romantic connections (especially with moon/venus in another's 8th house) their eyes (the planet person) tells you it's okay to let that vulnerable side of you that you've shunned out, and without words; that emotional closeness that you've always wished to feel is suddenly fulfilled and with ease.

🍄 8th house connections undertake more Plutonian energy. If you are un-healed, then their actions or lack thereof can ignite parts of your character that you don't even recognize.

🍄 If you struggle with BPD/BPD tendencies then connections that take on more 8th house/pluto synastry will feel enticing and familiar, you are more likely to be drawn to the intense high and lows that this connection brings.

🍄 The deep rooted attraction with these connections mainly lies in the fact that you can allow yourself to feel emotionally close and vulnerable to someone else, the more you crave expressing emotional vulnerability the more attractive they become to you. (especially with objective/attraction synastry aspects)

🍄 Once their actions or once certain consist factors/situations creates a severe emotional blockage between you and them; the less desirable they will feel to you (especially so if you struggle with polarizing emotions)

🍄 It could be months since you've spoken to them, months since their eyes have met yours and if you still struggle with emotional acceptance/self love/self worth/self value; then a longing for them might ignite in any abrupt moment (whether it be from a photo of them, running into a mutual friend, from reading a cathartic quote that reminds you of them) a spark that once persisted for so long will make it's self known, and the part of you that you thought you said good-bye too, might reappear again.

🍄 8th house connections consist of cycles and loops, it's a dilemma of letting go to longing, it's understandable to sometimes have these waves of wanting even if you logically know you shouldn't.

🍄 Longing for one another on both ends (all that needs to be present is sincere care) can occur.

🍄 The longing you feel if they do leave your presence is the part of you that craves emotional closeness and serenity.

🍄 Logically you may know and have objective expectations of how they should treat you because of other factors and yet certain expectations or desires you have within will persist.

🍄 Even if nothing substantial or foundational ever occurred between the two of you, the reactions within you might reenact as if the two of you dated for months, years even.

🍄 In romantic/attraction based relationships, and if you share 12th/South Node synastry/conjunctions with them; then you might feel this underlying tension to stay loyal to them.

Example:

For the more anxious type or with natal 12th/8th influence: At a party you focus on not giving another person too much attention because you feel they might get jealous or upset, even if there's nothing foundational. You only focus on their eyes in the room, and you make sure to showcase that your undivided attention is on them; even if they don't do or say anything to receive that loyal behavior. You can't help it.

For the more avoidant type or without natal 12th/8th influence (or no attraction even): You might overcompensate and try to talk/give attention to other people in front of them to showcase how "little" you care; so you may try to act like they are unimportant. This behavior could be out of insecurity, especially if this occurs when you feel jealous/or if they didn't exceed an expectation you had. It also could stem from the fact you feel fearful that you care and it feels uncomfortable that you dislike when they receive attention from others. (another note is if you're avoidant and when you get too much attention from someone else, you may realize how little you care about the 'distraction' you asked for and you'll start to wish the person in front of you was person you share 8th house synastry with)

The loops!! Cycles!! Staring! Longing! You want them then you don't, then you do, then you don't.

💞 In these observations each individual has to be emotionally prepared and open to emotional closeness, if someone is emotionally and spiritually un-evolved then no matter how "open" you naturally feel with them, that should never justify reoccurring pain or abuse that the other party causes 💞

#astrology #astro notes #astro observations #12th house synastry #8th house synastry #8h synastry #12h synastry #8th house #astrology notes #pluto synastry #8th house astrology #astrologers #astrology thoughts #moon conjunct pluto #venus conjunct pluto #moon square pluto #neptune

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eamour · 2 months

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persistence, repetition and more.

one common misconception that people believe in is that persistence equals repetition. this, however, isn’t true! persistence must not be confused with repetition, but rather persistent acceptance.

persistence.

to persist simply means to continue to "do" something despite difficulty, opposition or, how we would call it, circumstances. what you "do" is keep assuming a new reality for yourself and accepting it to be true no matter what. persistence, or in other words consistence, doesn’t mean repetition. it means ACCEPTANCE.

the purpose of persistence.

persisting doesn’t mean to think about your desire all the time, nor does it mean affirming a certain statement 24/7. you don't have to think of all the things you have manifested (consciously or subconsciously) for them to remain in your reality. they do not cease to exist just because you don't actively acknowledge them. so, why would you force yourself to think of something for it to materialise in your reality?

repetition.

repetition itself or doing a method repeatedly isn’t what manifests. a method cannot manifest, no matter how many times you do it. a method holds no power on its own. you, on the other hand, very much do. you allow a method to be useful and beneficial for you.

the purpose of repetition.

mindlessly repeating affirmations, scripting the same scene a couple of times or just generally doing one method over and over again won’t help you manifest your desire IF you don’t change SELF. if you don’t shift your state of being through methods, if it doesn’t help you believe in a new concept of self, if it doesn’t make you accept your desire as a present fact, then you can do the method as many times as you please — you will remain the same. a method's purpose in combination with how many times you practice it, is to help you ACCEPT.

remembrance.

you will naturally think of your desire. it will naturally pop up in your mind from time to time — especially if it's something you genuinely desire. the more you desire it, the more you will think of it, the more you will naturally remember it.

the purpose of remembrance.

when you think of your desire, when you are reminded of it, you tell yourself that you already have or are it. you go from thinking OF your desire to thinking FROM it. you fulfill yourself by giving your desire to yourself then and there and move on with your day. you don't need to continuously remind yourself of it but continue to persist in your ASSUMPTION. as long as you don't go back and change your mind (wavering), it's all good!

acceptance.

to accept something means to believe or know something to be true, correct or valid. it's a feeling. a feeling that makes you feel if something is real or unreal. our general understanding of feeling is equivalent to accepting, as well as knowing, believing or assuming. they all refer to the same. you accept something to either be true or false, therefore you FEEL it to be so. all of this takes place in imagination. to accept also means to imagine. it means to think.

the purpose of acceptance.

through acceptance, we can change self. acceptance enables us to believe new, desired conceptions about ourselves to be true. through acceptance, you can accept new convictions of self and reality.

whenever you feel desire, try to accept it. accept it as yours. accept it in its fullness. accept it entirely and completely. focus on the state of having your desire. embody your desire, identify with it. become the version of self who has or is your desired thing. know your assumption to be true. fulfill and satisfy self from within. experience the ACCEPTANCE of the wish fulfilled.

with love, ella.

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helluvapoison · 4 months

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Crystal Clear

Zestial x Reader

warning: lil violence, probably inaccurate old english

Consider yourself lucky to find yourself under Zestial’s good graces and watchful eyes. While he sends you bottles of delicious, ancient wine and carnivorous flowers, others are on the opposite end. That’s what Alastor tells you at least and he refuses to elaborate. While you’re curious to know what could be the opposite of flowers, you think your imagination might be an easier pill to swallow than the truth.

You’ve long since agreed to go on that promenade with the Overlord (which you’ve found out means a walk by a lake) but Zestial, according to the notes on the recent bouquet of grey roses, “hasn’t known a moment’s peace” for a month now. His cursive is flawless with accentuated strokes and curls that take up the entire card. You wanted to thank him for all the gifts but a call felt impersonal… and something told you he didn’t own a phone.

A letter would probably suffice except you weren’t sure where to send it. Alastor continued to be no help. At first it struck you as odd because you thought the two of them were friends but that’s on you, you should have known Alastor doesn’t have friends. So you set out to Zestial’s corner of The Pride Ring. It was old fashioned like Cannibal Town but not nearly as nice.

By that, you mean the people are just as shitty as they are everywhere else in Hell.

Not even two steps over the invisible threshold and you’re shoved into the side of a building, cool brick meeting your shoulder hard. You move to give the jerk a silent “fuck you” at the very least, raising your middle finger as she bolts away from you. Two steps the same, she’s dragged into an alley by a shadow.

“Pray tell,” A familiar voice, so smooth and close, drowns out the nearby screaming. Zestial himself steals your attention and your breath. You don’t even have time to wonder where he came from.

“Doth thyn own eyes deceive? A firefly has entered the web of a spider by thous own accord? Thy had not expected this turn of events. What brings thee to my web this hellish day?”

“Oh! I wanted to thank you for all the presents you sent.” You explain, patting your pockets for the envelope addressed to him.

Humming, his eyes roam across his name as he gingerly takes the pink paper. He doesn’t open it then, instead bringing into the abyss of his coat where it disappears from your sight.

“The pleasure belongs entirely to thyn own self,” Zestial says politely, his smile disappearing as he speaks, “Oh how outrageous thou must be, for thou has been generously patient. Apologies, firefly. Thyst swears this will not happen twice.”

You tilted your head, brows pulling together as you deciphered Zestial’s words. When it settles in you’re quick to hold up your hands. You’re so quick to fix things, you missed his pet name again.

“I—Oh! No, I’m not upset! I understand you’re busy.”

This pleases Zestial immensely, his smile returning and etching across his face once more.

“Thous kindness continues. Please, allow thy to return thee from whence thou came. Thyn would be remiss should something happen to thee.” He paused, voice dropping as he glared over his shoulder, “Twice.”

Zestial swiftly offers his arm to you when you try to see what he was looking at. A part of you did know he was sparing you a gruesome sight… the other part didn’t care as much as you should.

Falling into step with the Overlord, you’re suddenly aware of how much labor he’s putting into walking at your pace. It looks effortless enough. He practically glides as he walks anyhow. Still, it didn’t go unnoticed by you. Despite slightly delving into his frustrations (via cards) about how busy he was, he seemed in no rush to return to his territory to deal with whatever it may be.

“I looked up what promenade means, by the way,” You say eventually, though the silence between you both was comfortable enough, “I’d officially like to accept your invitation now. When work slows down for you, of course.”

Zestial chuckles, looking straight ahead, “Thyn has been working tirelessly to ensure uninterrupted time with thee. Much like this, only with a more suitable location for such a sweet soul as thou.”

“Tirelessly, huh? Don’t forget to take breaks,” You chastise playfully.

“In thys undead existence, thyn has come to be sure that there is no time for breaks. Change is constant and quick. Thyn is forced to adapt when thyn does not wish to or thy will be left a—how did one say? A relic.”

Now it was your turn to frown.

“Someone said that to you?”

His amusement remained alive as ever despite the terrible insult.

“Fret not. There shan’t be much for one to say any longer.”

You cross your arms and nod firmly.

“Howevermore, mayhaps there was truth in one’s words. It appears to thy, that the more thyst resists the ever growing changes of this modern day, the farther thyst casts thys own self into darkness.” Zestial sighs and trails off towards the end, “Tis a rather lonely existence.”

Slowly, you nod your head. It takes a minute to translate what he said and another to respond but Zestial is nothing if not patient.

“Change is constant,” You begrudgingly agree.

He hums in appreciation, “Precisely.”

“But it doesn’t have to be lonely if you don’t want it to be. You have Carmilla and—” You hesitate which caught his attention.

“And?”

“Well, I was going to say me. If you want, that is.”

Zestial chuckles. It’s a dark, raspy sound that makes your bones vibrate and sends a shiver throughout your body.

“Thy would be honored to call thoust a friend.. for the time being. Thy can only be content in the darkness for so long now that light has been seen. Thoust will inevitably succumb to a courtship, thyself assures thee.”

“You lost me a little bit,” You replied, dipping your hand from side to side in a so-so motion.

The green of his eyes shrink upwards in amusement yet again. Zestial straightens, looking around as if debating something he doesn’t feel inclined to share this time. You show him the same courtesy he showed you and waited for him to gather his thoughts.

“As commerce for such a divine outing, and solidifying our enriching conversation, thoust will be repaid in kind. Just this once.” Zestial declares, holding up a single, slender finger from his coat, “You and I are much alike, dear firefly, we shall not be easily discouraged from our desires.”

He holds out his hand and waits for yours to join. It’s not a perfect fit, his fingers could wrap around yours two times over, but it feels nice. Zestisl is oddly warm with soft palms and an unfailingly gentle grip. Bowing, he kisses your knuckles like he did the first time,

“Until next time. Thy will count the seconds,” He says quietly.

You don’t realize there’s an audience until he sinks into the cracks on the ground and absconds from your view. If you’re honest, you didn’t catch quite a bit from the last few minutes. You’re still stuck in the web of time where Zestial said he desired you. At least you think that’s what he said. Funny, even when he says it in layman’s terms you’re still not sure what Zestial meant.

#hazbin hotel x reader #hazbin hotel imagine #hazbin hotel headcanon #zestial imagine #zestial x reader #zestial headcanon #hazbin hotel zestial

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cheolsfae · 6 months

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𓆦 Skz when they aren't your bias

Requested: nope!

Genre: Fluff n stuff

Warning(s): Suggestive (?), slight possessiveness

Reblogs are appreciated! Requests are open! 🩵

Bang Chan:

He was absolutely thrown off. He didn’t understand why Minho was your bias. No, he wasn’t upset when you told him. Sure, his ego was bruised but that was the most he felt about it. At least, as much as he was aware of. You on the other hand knew better than that. He needed that reassurance. He had walked into the apartment seeing you on the kitchen table organizing your photocard collection (most of them of Minho). “Hey.” you piped up as he approached you. He greeted you back, he let out a groan as he picked up one of the cards. “Do you really need all the pictures of him?” You laughed lightly. No, you absolutely did not. In fact, the ones you should have should be of Chris. Or at least, that’s what he believes. “Yeah, I do. He’s so handsome! Don’t you think so?” He did not like that at all. He moved away from you and to the fridge pulling out a water bottle. His whole energy had changed. You were just teasing but today had been a rough day, you thought. He threw himself on the couch in the living room. You walked on over to him, sitting next to him, cuddling into his shoulder. It was silent for a few moments before you spoke up, “You know you’re the most handsome man I’ve ever laid eyes on?” Yeah, it was corny but if it made him feel better you were going to say it. He laughed lightly, “Didn’t you just say that about Minho?” You clicked your tongue. Never has that sentence ever left your mouth nor would it ever. Mostly because it wasn’t true! “I did not. I just said he was handsome, but you are the most handsome.” He pursed his lips and nodded, “Damn right, I am.” Back to his cocky self.

Minho:

Offended! He was very offended. Why was Changbin your bias? He was obviously better (in his own opinion). Changbin was almost the opposite of him. Minho was more “quiet” or at least that’s what he liked to believe about himself. Why would someone as quiet and innocent, like yourself, like someone so “chaotic and troublesome”? Well, you had many reasons why but you knew if you started to list them off, it would only make things worse with him. He was only going to get more jealous and possessive than he already was. As of now, you were not allowed to be alone in a room with Changbin due to this little fact he found out a few days ago. Prior to this, he was okay with it but after you had admitted it, he didn’t like it one bit. One of the other guys or himself had to be present. Yes, this was annoying. He needed to have a little more faith in you. Changbin wasn’t going to steal you away from him and he needed to know that you had chosen him over everyone. You only wanted him. At dinner tonight, that’s what you had told him. “I know that, but it doesn’t mean I like that he’s your bias and I’m not.” You rolled your eyes. It was going to be a long night with him. “Minho,” You grabbed his face in between your hands, squishing his cheeks. “I chose you. I’m with you. He isn’t going to change that. Nothing will. I’m forever yours.” With that being said, he smirked. “Mine? Prove it.”

Changbin:

Were you being serious right now? Was it really Hyunjin? How could you bias anyone besides your lovely boyfriend? No, he wasn’t the tallest man nor was he the most creative when it came to “arts and crafts”. But you know what? He was built like a brick house. He was a little intimidating with his big muscles so people wouldn’t mess with you. He could protect you! And he was funny! He knew how to make you laugh until you cried. What could Hyunjin do that he couldn’t do better besides the arts and crafts… “Honey, does it really matter? It’s just a silly bias.” It really didn’t matter, he was just letting his ego get in the way. He was letting something so silly get to him. “That’s not the point! Why am I not your bias?” You turned to look at him fully with the widest grin on your face. Him being so jealous was the cutest thing you’d seen. It was nice to feel that loved sometimes. “Because I know it gets on your nerves. Even though you know good and well, that I would never trade you for anything or anyone.” His face flared in red. He was completely embarrassed. He tackled you, “Why are you so cute? Who told you, you could be this cute?”

Hyunjin:

He wasn’t too happy to hear that Jisung was your bias. Yeah, Jisung was pretty funny but so was he in his own unique way. Hell, he could even paint. Anything you wanted! Hyunjin had his own good points. He was fully cognizant of them, he just was not sure if you were. Clearly not well enough if you had chosen someone else. Though, in your eyes, you hadn’t chosen someone else. There was no one who could replace or replicate Hyunjin in any way. He was the only one for you. So when you came home one night, he had surprised you with a fancy romantic dinner. You really didn’t know what was going on. Don’t get it wrong, it was very nice and sweet of him to do, it was just completely unexpected. “What’s all this?” You asked, clearly tired from the long day at work. “I thought you needed it.” He pulled out a chair for you. You took a seat and eyed him suspiciously, what had he done that he was trying to cover up? “Thanks, sweetheart.” you kissed his cheek. “Now, what’s the real reason you did all of this?” His eyes widened, he’d been caught. “Well,” he looked away. Very suspicious of him. This wasn’t like him at all. What had he done? “I did it so you wouldn’t leave me.” You gave him an incredulous look. What the hell was he thinking? “What? What makes you think I’m leaving you?” He shook his head, he wasn’t going to talk about this right now. Well, he didn’t want to. But if he didn’t want to he shouldn’t have brought it up because you were not going to let it go. “I’m not leaving you. Where the hell did you get that idea from?” His thought process was you biased Jisung therefore you were going to leave him for the younger. After he explained it to you, you just stared at him. “Well, are you? I understand.” You shook your head vehemently. “Never. I’m never leaving you. Stop thinking that way. It’s just a silly thing. It means nothing!” You reached across the table, taking his hand in yours, kissing it gently. “You’re stuck with me until the day one of us dies. You’ve got no choice.” He smiled, he was back to himself.

Jisung:

He did not blame you one bit. He also biased Felix he admitted. Felix was so adorable, who could resist him? Doesn’t mean that he particularly liked it though. You had been spending a lot of time with Felix lately. But that was mostly because the holidays were coming up and he needed help baking desserts for everyone as a thank you and happy holidays. But that wasn't the way Jisung was perceiving it. He thought you liked Felix better. When you came home from Felix's, you would tell him all of the silly little things that had happened while baking. Someone had mistaken the salt for sugar and you guys had to throw out a whole batch. Or when you had fallen and all of the cookie dough landed on the roof and stuck. Chris wasn't too happy about that but it was still funny. "Why don't you go with me tomorrow? We could always use more hands." He scowled, "No thanks, I'd rather not see my partner and best friend flirting." you clicked your tongue, hitting him lightly. "We aren't flirting. Come with me." He didn't say anything for a second. "It's clear you've had your eye on him since the very beginning. Remember? He's your bias." You knew you shouldn't have said anything to him about that. It was bound to start an argument one way or another. "And? I'm with you and he's one of my friends. You're the only chipmunk I want. No matter how good of a baker he is." You teased, trying to lightly the mood. "Chipmunk?" You nodded, "I'd better be."

Felix:

Devastated wasn’t even the word to describe what he felt! He was annihilated! Completely destroyed. How could you bias anyone but him? Was he not cute enough? Honestly, it was a matter of him not feeling good enough for you. The man was more than enough for you, you just happened to bias Seungmin. This had happened way before the two of you had even met. Seungmin has been your bias pretty much since day one. This wasn’t something you chose, your bias had chosen you. That was the way you had explained it to Felix, at least. The explanation didn’t make him feel any better though. He felt like he was not good enough to attract you in the first place. Which was the furthest thing from the truth! He was more than enough for you! “If that’s true then, why Seungmin?” You really didn’t know how to respond to this. Yes, you had reasons for biasing Seungmin but it would sound like you wanted to be with him more than you wanted to be with Felix which was not the case! You were afraid he would misunderstand you like he already had once before. You weren’t going to lie to him either, though. “Because of how he takes care of you when I’m not around.” Which wasn’t a lie. It was true, Seungmin did take care of Felix for you, it was the biggest reason why. “Really?” He asked, close to tears. The poor baby had taken it to heart! You nodded your head. His smile was slowly returning. You patted his head, “Feel better?” He nodded, cleaning up some of the tears threatening to fall. “Good, now come here!” You shouted before tackling him and smothering him in the affection he deserved.

Seungmin:

Jeongin? Really? Jeongin? Over himself? This was kind of surprising. He wasn’t expecting it to be him. Maybe Minho or Felix. Felix would have made the most sense, he was adorable. But no, you had chosen Jeongin. Maybe it was because he was the baby of the group? Nonetheless, he trusted you and knew you wouldn’t leave him for anyone else. He had his full trust and faith in you. Jeongin on the other hand was a different story. Mainly, because he knew the youngest would give him hell for it. He wasn’t going to be living this down anytime soon. Anytime Jeongin had the chance, he lept on it to mess with Seungmin. The whole thing was more of an inconvenience than anything else. “You have to tell him you don’t bias him anymore. I don’t know how much more teasing I can take from him. Not to mention, it’s the same joke 80 times in a row. It’s nothing he hasn’t said before.” You laughed at your partner who was flopped over on the couch. “Is it really that bad or are you just exaggerating?” He gave you a blank stare. Of course it was that bad, he wasn’t one to exaggerate like that. “Okay, if it’ll make you feel better then I’ll tell him someone else is my bias. I’ll say I switched lanes.” You giggled. “Oh? Are you going to tell him it’s me?” He wiggled his eyebrows. “Pft, no. I’ll probably say it’s Changbin or something.” He glared jokingly at you before groaning and laying face down in the pillows, “Why does my partner hate me?” You laughed and patted his head, he was going to live through this just fine.

Jeongin:

He very well understood why but that didn’t mean that he liked it. Chris was strong, talented, and very caring. There were good characteristics about him that your partner understood why you’d biased him, he just flat out didn't like it. Whenever Chris would come and talk to you while I.N. was doing something else, he'd watch you and make sure nothing funky was going on between the two of you. Nothing was ever going to happen between you two and he knew that, but he couldn't shake his paranoid feelings about it. One time, you had reached your limit with it and you marched over to him with a stern look on your face, "Do you not trust me? Do you not trust Chan? What is it?" He was taken aback by the suddenness of the confrontation. "I trust you both." you sighed heavily, "Then why are you watching us like a hawk?" He went silent for a few seconds. "Because I- I don't know. He's your bias and it makes me nervous." You furrowed your brows, "I'm not leaving you for him. Your stuck with me." You pushed your index finger to his forehead, giving him a light push. He smiled apologetically , "Good."

#stray kids fluff #stray kids smut #stray kids scenarios #stray kids reactions #stray kids #yang jeongin #kim seungmin #lee felix #lee yongbok #han jisung #han skz #hwang hyunjin #seo changbin #christopher bang #bang chan

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okieedokes · 1 month

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girl worth writing to | john egan x f!reader

summary : john pays you a visit while he’s on leave and things get melodramatic lol

warnings : brief mention of suicide, doesn't exactly follow the events of the show

word count : 888

The vibration of gentle snores rouse you from your sleep, your eyes search for the clock ticking away on your nightstand.

5:04 am

The sun had barely risen yet and you cursed yourself for being such a light sleeper, knowing the day you had ahead of you. However, the sight of shirtless John Egan dozing peacefully beside you was certainly one for sore eyes. You lifted a hand to his disheveled curls and attempted to stroke them back into place, whilst your mind replayed the events of the night before…

5:34 pm

You had just returned to your flat from another agonising day at the infirmary, to the incessant ring of the telephone. You are hesitant to answer, as you are sure it’s your head nurse, calling to inform you there’s been another emergency and you would need to return.

With a deep breath you lower yourself onto the edge of the bed and retrieve the telephone.

“Hello?…” You had meant to use a more formal introduction but simply couldn’t find the strength.

“Y/N?! It’s me, Bucky! You remember?” He teased.

You had half the mind to pretend you had forgotten the pilot after not hearing a word from him in almost six months.

“Unfortunately, I do remember.” You mask your tone with sarcasm.

“Atta girl!” He remarked and you found yourself repressing a smile as you imagined the cheeky grin on his face.

“I just completed my twenty-fifth mission today and it was frankly very nearly my last, so they’re graciously giving me the weekends leave!” He boasts sarcastically and you suppress a giggle.

“Lucky Buck!” You retort and hear him scoff.

“Anyways, I was thinking I’d come pay you and London a visit…that’s if you’d have me, of course.”

You take a pause, pretending you have a choice. Unfortunately the truth of the matter was that you’d take the Major in, always and forever no-matter the heartache, come his departure.

“Do you still remember the address?” You asked, placing a hand to your stomach in an attempt to ease the brewing butterflies.

“I couldn’t forget if I tried sweetheart, I’ll see you soon enough.” He teased playfully and ended the call.

You sighed at the realisation that you would have to spend all evening making your tired self presentable for the pilot, knowing deep down that for John it would always be worth it.

5:36 am

You jump at the feeling of his large hand wrap around your wrist that was still embedded in his hair. You feel your cheeks grow bright red as you push your body towards the opposite side of the bed.

“I’m sorry baby, I didn’t mean you scare ya.” He croaks in his deep morning voice that never fails to make your knees weak.

“That’s okay! I need to get ready for my shift anyways.” You stutter wrapping yourself in the bedsheet as you crawl out of bed.

“Y/N please…” Bucky groans and grasps at the sheet that is now tightly wound around your shivering frame.

“You always do this…it’s too early and it’s bloody freezing.” He pleads and gently pulls you back into the bed and his embrace, gently guiding your into head to the crook of his neck.

“I’m sorry I scared you…twenty-five missions…it’s starting to get to me now, I think.” He admits whilst stroking a lock of hair behind your ear.

“I can only imagine the horrors you boys have endured…” You whisper.

“You would probably understand more than most Y/N…what with the hospital and all the bombings.” He adds, his tone soft and comforting as he continues to stroke your hair. This is not the witty and sarcastic John you were familiar with.

“I suppose you could say that.” You mumble as you fidget with the dog tag that hangs around his neck, a cruel reminder.

“I guess it doesn’t help that I have this American pilot of mine who when I’m sure has gone and died on me-”You attempt a teasing tone but it falls flat.

“What’s all this about me being a goner? Don’t you have any faith Y/N?” He interjects, his tone only half joking.

“Well you never write or call? What am I supposed to think?!” You feel anger boiling in your chest as you push yourself away from him.

“Or maybe I’m just not worth writing to!” You accuse before John had time to even consider a response to your sudden outburst.

“I promise it’s nothing like that Y/N… you know how I feel about you. Christ! I wouldn’t be using my weekend off like this if I didn’t have feelings for you!” He scrambles to defuse the situation, knowing your spirited ways.

“Oh really?!” You mock.

“Y/N these missions, they’re suicide! I couldn’t never let you get involved with me now! It would be cruel!” His statement cuts the conversation like a knife, silence falling over the entire flat.

A tear rolls down your cheek as you stifle a sob.

“I-I’m sorry John…but I think I’m already…involved.” You stutter.

The pilot sighs, using the bedsheet gathered around your waist to pull you back down into the mattress, so now you are pinned underneath him. There's nowhere to hide.

“If you only knew how many times I’ve heard your voice in my head or seen your face in a crowd…” He whispers whilst gently placing a kiss to each of your tear soaked cheeks.

“You’re my girl…I’m sorry I ever made your feel like you weren't worth writing to.” His tone is soft but sincere.

Without looking away, he reaches for a scrap of paper that was resting atop your bedside table.

“In fact I’ll start right now…My dearest Y/N…” He declares in a exaggerated british accent and you playful slap his shoulder, giving him permission to attack you with kisses again.

When he finally pulls away your eyes meet and you raise a hand to his cheek.

“Come back to me, Major Egan.” The words tumble out before you even able to acknowledge they are there.

“Always.” He whispers, before burying is head in your chest. It wasn't long before you feel his soft snores radiating against your body again.

#john egan #John Egan x reader #callum turner #masters of the air #mota #callum turner x reader #tbitb #bucky egan

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ficthots · 1 year

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Shotgun

A/N: Okay, another fic that has been 95% completed and I finally got around to wrapping up. PR relationship, drunken wedding, enemies to lovers, all the good stuff. As always let me know what you guys think and enjoy!

Warnings: 18+ content only. DNI if under 18. Smut.

Word Count: 8k+

Strengths and weaknesses make us who we are. They are the foundation of our entire beings and personalities. Concocting in a fashion that swirls around us and presents us to the outside world. Special groups can become world class athletes while others thrive in the arts, presenting world altering pieces to the public. Niche groups of writers can put pen to paper in ways never imagined before, the opposite can be said of mathematicians. Some individuals are wonderful public speakers.

Take your childhood best friend Jake for example. The man thrives on the attention when it settles to him. Putting his best self forward when in the presence of other people Yet, he still utterly despises ninety-nine percent of the general population. It’s why you two got along so well.

Also why you and his twin did not.

Your strengths? Well, they lie in solo activities. Anything that needs to be completed alone, you thrived in. Preferring not to work with others unless you absolutely had to. Even then, you weren’t going to be happy doing it. An intellectual, not an artistic bone in your body. Not understanding how he and his brothers can create literal magic in their minds and then go and perform for thousands of people.

Not being a people person was one of the main key characteristics of your personality. You had your small inner circle and that was more than enough for you. Even better that they spent most of their time away from you touring.

If you were together all the time, it would make the time spent together less exciting. Less meaningful. Sure, some people would say it was you being shy and to yourself, but you knew that wasn’t really it.

Okay, maybe just a bit.

Who could blame you though? Being in the public eye like your closest friends sounded like a nightmare. Not being able to keep any information about your private life hidden because it seemed as though someone was always watching. It sounded like hell. It was hell.

That was the life of being a celebrity though. Which is also why you strayed as far away from it as possible. Even when you went out to lunch with Jake when he was in town, it was not a rare occurrence for him to be stopped on the street for a picture or something of the like. Keeping your distance and watching from over his shoulder some few yards away was where you were most comfortable in situations like that.

He would then come back to you, exasperated because of the constant stopping for fans. Jake wasn’t as annoyed with it as he let on to believe, secretly loving when he was approached by adoring fans showering him in praise. It always earned an eye roll from you. Such an attention whore.

Just not to the extent of his twin. Josh craved it. There was hardly ever a time when he wasn’t ecstatic to discuss the intense life he led on a daily basis of being adored by fans and the like. Not to mention the annoying personality trait of needing to be best friends with any individual he was an acquaintance with.

His pursuit of reaching that level with you had been nonstop since high school when you and Jake had hit it off. It was thoroughly exhausting fighting the man as often as you had to, but it was the only way to get him to leave you alone.

He loved it. Finding it hysterical how truly annoyed you were by his sheer presence. Honestly, he wasn’t entirely aware of the actual reason why you didn’t want to be around him. He would be lying if he said he hadn’t lost sleep over it more than once.

Thinking it was just a silly game, not comprehending that you truly wanted nothing to do with him. It was frustrating. Dealing with this since high school and you truly believed he knew the main reason why, but opted to ignore it for the sake of not self reflecting. Jake on the other hand, similar to his familiar counterpart, could always guarantee a chuckle from your interactions.

Never getting into full arguments, but you had been known to raise your voice at him on a few occasions when he refused to leave your personal bubble. It was borderline anxiety inducing. Always having a few Xanax on hand for when you knew you would be having to spend more time than necessary with the boy.

Like on vacation.

Jake had invited you as soon as they had decided where they were going to be taking a weekend trip to. Given you had never been to Las Vegas, you thought it was going to be an absolute blast. Staying at an incredible resort, relaxing by the pool, occasional gambling whilst enjoying the complimentary drinks. I mean, in what world would someone turn that down?

You seriously considered it once you heard that Josh was going to be in attendance. Being trapped on a plane with him, having to do every vacation activity together, getting little to no break from the 24/7 Josh show. Way to ruin a trip.

Given how desperately you did need this getaway, biting your tongue and accepting the fact that the thorn in your side was going to be even closer than normal was what you were just going to have to deal with despite the bile burning the back of your throat at just the thought of it.

Knowing that you would at least have the reprieve of the flight out to Nevada was adding a little bounce to your step. Until he plopped himself down in the seat directly next to yours with a loud sigh echoing in the shell of your ear. Without a moment of hesitation you placed your earphones in, not wanting to give him a chance to engage, or attempt to engage, in conversation with you.

It didn’t last long. He grabbed the left one from your ear much to your dismay, giving a large grin. “Everyone got to pick one activity for the weekend. What’s yours?” Snatching the item from his fingertips and placing it back where it should’ve been the entire time, you sighed.

“Pool morning.” His eyes lit up, going to speak again, but luckily the flight attendants began their aisle explanation of rules and regulations. Smirking at the interruption, you let your head recline back onto the ridiculously uncomfortable headrest, your eyes slipped shut.

You couldn’t be one hundred percent certain of how long your eyes were closed, but it felt like two minutes later when he nudged you to gather your attention on him. A large exhale left your nose, still trying to ignore him. It only worked for so long until he began incessantly tapping your shoulder.

“What? What? What could you possibly want right now, Joshua?” You snapped, staring him dead in the eyes, but he wasn’t phased in the least by your outburst. Holding up a ziplock bag to you, he offered another large smirk. “Trail Mix?”

Josh had set himself a personal goal for the trip. By the time the wheels were up on the way home, you two were going to be fast friends. Deciding on that after having a group dinner together one night and you did everything in your power to avoid him. Whilst he and Jake chatted in his kitchen he racked his brain at the possibilities.

“Can I ask you a question?” Jake hummed in response, eyes stuck to his screen. “Why does buzz not like me?” Jake’s eyes briefly glanced at his spitting image and sighed. “Because you’re you.” Josh let the words simmer for just a brief moment.

Before giving a response, Jake continued. “It’s just a lot for her to handle. You’re on constantly and it drives her up the wall. You know how she is. More reserved than any of us and you're just elevated by ten.” Josh’s brow furrowed, leaning against the counter, shaking his head.

“Yeah no, I don’t think that’s it.” Jake’s hands shot up, deserting his task of trying to get Josh to understand why his best friend did not adore his twin like every other individual under the sun. He was going to get her to be friends, even if it was the last thing he did.

A blinding migraine is what woke you up. That and the feeling of someone's arm wrapped around your bare waist.

Blinking your eyes open slowly, you could feel whoever was next to you, breathing deep and even into the crook of your neck. The disheveled hair was tickling your cheek and jaw, hand twitching every so often as he slept.

When he began to feel you stirring, he himself was slow to get up as well. Having no clue if this person was a complete stranger or if you happened to know them pretty well, had you beyond nervous to turn around and look.

Then it hit you. Patchouli.

Eyes blowing wide open, you turned your head to see him in the same position as you. Wide eyed, shock, and confusion painted across his face. Entirely sure he was mirroring your expression as well.

Neither of you said a word to one another as you laid there. Eventually, you pulled your gaze away from him and chose to stare at the ceiling instead. “Buzz?” He finally broke the uncomfortable silence drenching the room.

Making the wrong decision to shake your head, you groaned, stilling your skull and attempting to stop the room from spinning further than it already was. “No, no. Don’t say a word.” You seethed out between gritted teeth.

He took in a sharp breath, fingers laced soundly over his comforter covered torso. His phone vibrated on the nightstand and when he grabbed it, he only showed you the message from Sam. They were all downstairs waiting on you both to join them for breakfast.

Silently getting dressed, you stepped out of the restroom to see Josh waiting patiently for you. “We do not speak a word of this. To anyone. You understand me?” His lips were pulled between his teeth, but he nodded at you. “Of course, absolutely.”

As you two took your seats at the table, all eyes were glued to you both. Trying to play it off, you pointed to the pitcher of orange juice sitting on the other end of the table by Josh. He handed it off to you, but everyone's attention had yet to leave you both.

Finally giving in, you stared down Jake. “What? What’s wrong?” His chin rested on the backs of his hands, a small knowing smirk gracing his lips, sunglasses blocking his hungover eyes. “Are we going to talk about what happened last night?”

Shrugging, your brow furrowed at his words. “I have no idea what you’re talking about. What happened?” Sam snorted, sipping his coffee before responding. “Josh invited us all to watch,” your head snapped to the boy next to you, shooting daggers at him.

“You fucking pervert,” Josh’s cheeks burned crimson red at the response bit out at him. Danny finally spoke up through a bite of toast. “Like we weren’t going to watch our best friends get married.”

You perked up in his direction, looking at the paired off couples seated around the table. “Oh my god, who got married?” Josh was excited to hear the news himself. Jita’s confused gaze met your enthused one as she spoke.

“Uh, you two?” Eyes falling down to the table, you and Josh gasped at the same time, the memory slamming into you. Your hands covered your mouth as it hung wide open, staring at the man in pure shock. Slowly shaking your head, you stuttered over your words. “No-no, ther-there’s no way.”

Josh’s head fell back, swallowing thickly as his brothers erupted in laughter around the table. “How did they let that happen when we were so drunk?” You whispered out, staring at Jake for answers. He shrugged, “That’s the way most people get married, buzz.”

Letting your head fall into your hands, Josh finally spoke. “It’s fine, we’ll get it annulled and it’ll be like nothing even happened.” Nodding at his words, you shoved his phone into his hands from the resting place it had been on the table. “Now. Do it now.”

Standing from the table, he excused himself as he dialed his lawyer's number. Deciding that it was probably best to check your own phone for any inkling as to what had gone on the previous night, you checked what was buried in your purse. The screen was continuously lighting up with notifications from Instagram, Twitter, any and all social media known to man.

“Oh-oh my god,” you breathed out. Slowly lifting your head and looking at the youngest brother, you calmly asked him a question. “Samuel?” He huffed in response, spreading jam onto his toast. “Did you post the wedding on your Instagram last night?” Dropping his butter knife to the table with a loud clink echoing, everyone immediately took to Instagram.

A chorus of oh no’s, fuck’s, and holy shits were spoken by all of the table. Josh sat back in his seat and turned towards you. “There’s a problem,” you nodded, eyes never leaving Sam. “Oh, trust me, we’re well aware.” He breathed out a sigh of relief.

“Oh great, I don’t have to be the one to tell you.” Sam bit into a piece of muffin, shooting you a wink. “Happy honeymoon!” His attempt to release the tension that hung heavy on the group did not work as he had hoped.

The remainder of the trip you spent as much time away from Josh as possible, absolutely mortified about the circumstances and what had gone on. The only interaction you had with him was right after brunch when he told you his lawyer was working on it and he had made their manager aware of what was going on.

Otherwise, you had kept your distance like Josh was a plague. It hadn’t been too bad afterwards. You spent the rest of the time relaxing by the pool, enjoying great food, and before you knew it you were on the flight back home.

To face reality.

As you walked to your car, his voice echoed through the parking garage to gather your attention. Only stopping because you had to, you turned to face him and saw him jogging towards you. “So, uh, my lawyer wants to meet with us tomorrow morning. Manager will be there, too.”

Nodding in agreement, you didn’t say anything else as you loaded your luggage into your car and then yourself. He didn’t try to speak more, knowing how truly furious you were with him for this.

Knowing that this now being public information was going to make the situation that much worse to deal with. Not like it would have been if this was a normal person, no, you had to deal with the ramifications of being black out drunk and marrying a celebrity.

Awesome.

When you arrived at his home the next morning, you let yourself in, seeing a man dressed in a suit standing in his living room and the man you knew as their manager quietly chit chatting with Josh. He only offered a nervous, sheepish smile to you as you walked in and sat on his sofa.

“Alright, so what do we need to do? Sign some papers?” You spoke out first, grabbing a pen from your purse and looking at everyone expectantly. They were all nervous and you couldn’t figure out why.

The boy's manager cleared his throat and called you by your name, but you shook your head, offering your nickname instead. No one ever used your legal name, it was odd to even hear it spoken out. “Buzz, then. So, unfortunately, this is going to be a bit more,” he paused, trying to find the magic word, "more complicated than we originally assumed.”

Not responding, you only blinked slowly at him. Acknowledging the lawyer to step forward and speak, your head inclined towards him. “The annulment itself is not what complicates matters. It should only be a few months until everything is squared away based on the legal proceedings. What does make things sticky is the social aspect of this.”

His hands waved to you both, but you refused to look at Josh. He could feel your energy humming with pure anger at what was being said to you. His manager spoke up once more. “Yes, so, Sam posting this definitely made it more difficult. In order for you both to get out of this as unscathed as possible, we all discussed the options.”

Your face contorted in confusion. “Excuse me?” Everyone’s eyes settled on you. “I was not consulted for any of this. So when you say we all discussed the options, no we didn’t.” Josh’s wide eyed gaze looked at the two men standing, blankly staring at you.

Jaw setting in annoyance, you spoke again. “I don’t understand how there can be options in the first place. We get it annulled and call it a day. Wipe our hands of it. That’s the option here.” Josh cleared his throat, turning to face you from his seat.

“Buzz, listen. It affects our image. It’s one thing to actually be married, but for us to have gotten drunk in Vegas and then got married, and within seventy-two hours to get it annulled. That’s so bad,” you scoffed at him, but before you could speak they all chimed in.

“It puts a very bad image on Josh. We’re just trying to get damage control done right now. All we’re suggesting is that for the next few months, until the annulment is officially granted, you two continue to put on a facade of sorts to the public that you two are actually together.”

Unbelievable.

“And what about me?” You breathed out, staring at these men like the fucking vultures they were. His manager shrugged with a laugh. “You get to date Josh Kiszka for a few months. This will boost your image too!”

Standing up from your seat, you exploded on them. “Well, I’m not fucking dating Josh Kiszka! This is the problem with you, Josh! It’s all about you and your image. Doesn’t matter who else's life you screw up along the way as long as your image remains clean. Go fuck yourself. Let me know when I need to sign the papers.”

Storming out of his house, when you got to your car, you sat there in silence, trying to catch your breath. A scream left your throat as you continuously hit your steering wheel over and over. Admittedly, you had done some incredibly stupid things in your time, but nothing to this magnitude. No, this was truly life altering stupidity that put you here.

And you did it with the worst human imaginable. You hated yourself for letting this happen. This wasn’t like you. Getting married on a bender in Vegas? Nope. Bets were always going to be on Sam to do something like this. You? Not in a million years. With Josh? Not even in the realm of possibilities.

Yet, here you were.

Sitting in your apartment, you drowned your sorrows in a pint of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream, watching Bridgerton as you sobbed about the utter mess you were in. Josh had been blowing up your phone all day, honestly you were surprised he hadn’t shown up at your door.

Ah, spoke too soon, you thought as a rumbling of knuckles on your front door drew your attention. Sniffling, you wiped your face with a stray tissue, praying it wasn’t too dirty, before walking to the door.

“I’m not in the mood right now, Josh.” Sighing as you took in the sight of who was at your door, you were overjoyed to see someone else standing there. “Well, damn good thing I’m not him then, huh?” You didn’t hesitate, throwing yourself into Jake’s embrace, continuously sobbing into his shirt.

His hands rubbed your back with a sad sigh, leading you back in towards your sofa. Sniffling as he grabbed a tissue, he wiped your tear stained cheeks that were positively swollen from the day spent in absolute waterworks. “What’s up, buzz?”

Your hands hit your thighs in exasperation, shrugging as more tears welled up. “They told me I have to date Josh until the annulment is done. I don’t want to do that, Jake.” Chin wobbling, he wiped at your falling tears again, nodding in understandment.

“I’m so stupid! How did this even happen?” He handed you the box of tissues before speaking. “First of all, you’re not stupid. You were drunk beyond belief, we all were. Second, who said you have to date Josh?” Eyes staring at the crumpled fabric in your hands, the sadness that sat on your shoulders sank further in.

“Your manager. The lawyer. Josh. They said it was to protect his image. That a drunk Vegas wedding doesn’t look good as is and then getting it annulled or having the paperwork filed a few days after is even worse. Like, they didn’t even consider me!” Your body shook harder as more tears fell, sobs escaping your throat as you laid on Jake.

A deep sigh rumbled in his chest, hand smoothing your hair down. “You’re gonna hate my response then.” Pulling back from his embrace, you shot daggers at him. “You want me to do it, too? Seriously, Jake? You know why I don’t want to be associated with him. I’m not doing it!”

His hands went up in defeat, but raked through his hair as he watched you move to the kitchen then back to the room in a nervous pace. “Buzz, listen. It’s not just Josh that’s affected. Honestly, if it was I would 100% be on your side and let you do what you wanted to do. I’m worried about you,” your brow furrowed at his words.

“Being associated with someone like us is not easy. You should see the toll it takes on Jita sometimes. It’s rough and brutal,” you cut him off, his words only aiding your reasoning. “Exactly! That’s one of the main reasons,” he didn’t let you continue, speaking over you and grabbing your hands to bring you back to sit with him.

His thumbs brushed over the skin on your wrist. “It’ll be so much worse if the annulment news gets out this quickly after what happened. Buzz, your life will be decimated. It will be horrible. It will affect your daily life, your work, everything. I want you to do this so that way it’s more sound when it does happen. Otherwise,” he shook his head as he trailed off.

With a groan, you flung yourself back onto the couch. You had never hated life more than you did right then. Grabbing your cell phone, you sent Josh a message only sending a Fine, as Jake patted your leg. “Good girl.” You kicked him in response.

A carefully drawn plan was created by everyone. Keeping public appearances at a minimum, their manager stated that only a few were necessary in the amount of time needed for it to be legally done. However, what was necessary was social media posts.

Since your…wedding, had been so publicly broadcasted, making an appearance on his social media whether by posts or stories was absolutely necessary according to them. The goal was to keep actual posts minimal, but stories more often. Which also meant that you and Josh were going to have to be spending more time together than you ever had before.

You were dreading it to put it lightly. In fact, you only wanted to crawl under your bed and hide for the rest of eternity. All you could think about was why this had to happen with him. Why not Danny? You loved Danny! Sweetest human being known to man.

Instead, you were legally bound to the person you despise most. Why must the universe laugh in your face like this? You believed you were a fairly decent person, so why you? It was that question that was on an ever repeat in your mind as you sat at a restaurant you couldn’t even afford to look through the window at.

The two of you were sitting in dreadfully uncomfortable silence. A fake engagement ring sitting on your left hand, a band on his. Waiter already having come and taken both of your orders, you didn’t know what else to do at the moment. Nibbling on a skinny breadstick, your eyes scanned the scenery around you.

People that would never give you the time of day if they were to spot you on the street filled the tables around you both. Occasional glances from the younger crowd falling over you two made you shift in your seat.

Taking notice of wandering eyes himself, he reached his hand out across the linen covered table, grabbing your hand with his. Speaking through a smile, your look of disgust made him laugh. “Can you at least try and make it look like we’re having fun? We’re married and people are looking, buzz.”

Forcing a grin onto your face, you squeezed his fingers, a hiss escaping from his teeth as he pulled his hand back. “You’re right, I am having fun!” Rolling his eyes, he expelled air from his ballooned cheeks.

“So what do you do for work, again?” He asked. You stared him down, opinion of him sinking further. “I’m an archivist. Do you know what that is?” Your smug tone had his face falling, mocking you. “Yes, I know what an archivist is. Asshole,” he mumbled, playing with the straw in his drink.

Sighing, he leaned back in his seat, eyeing you from across the table. “What’s your deal with me? Why don’t you like me? Everyone likes me. I’m Josh!” Elbows landing on the table with a clatter of plates and glasses, you began listing the reasons on your fingers.

“You’re selfish, snobby, too energetic, think you’re better than everyone else, an attention whore,” he cut you off, arms crossing over his chest. “Alright, alright, alright. I get it. But I’ll have you know I’m not any of those things.”

Your eyebrows shot up your face. “Really?” He nodded, a smirk tugging at his full lips. “Of course! There’s so much more to me.” Snorting, you pointed at the table. “If you’re not a snob or selfish then why would you bring me here? I don’t even like fish! I’m allergic to shellfish. I literally ordered the only thing that didn’t contain any fish. A fucking salad, Josh. I don’t like salad.”

Continuing with your rant, he listened to every word you said. “Not to mention that a place like this,” you waved your hands around, “is the last place I would ever want to come to. I’m more of a Chili’s girl,” his nose scrunched up in disgust. “You see! This isn’t going to work, Josh.” Catching your head in your hand, he tried to ease your spiraling mind.

“Okay, okay. I promise that next time we will go somewhere you want. I just figured that this was a good spot to get noticed and that is working. Three different people have taken pictures which I am almost 100% certain are already circling Twitter.” Your face showed your confusion because you hadn’t noticed that at all.

“I promise, next time, we will go somewhere or do something you want. Scouts honor,” he held his hand up in the salute, earning a tired laugh from you. “Ah, see! We’re already making progress. You laughed at my joke.”

Smile falling, the waiter appeared with your food right then. “Actually, I was laughing at you. Not at your joke.” He shrugged, digging into the salmon on his plate. “Still counts.”

Awkward small talk consumed the remainder of the evening. Walking to your own car that had been parked a few blocks away from the restaurant, Josh stood behind you, ensuring you got to your car safely.

Not offering a parting word, you got in your car, but Josh tapped on your window, a smile on his lips. Rolling it down, but only a crack, you tilted your head towards it. “What?” He placed a sloppy kiss on the glass, much to your dismay, but laughed right after.

“I had a great time with you, buzz. Make sure you’re at my home this weekend to make an appearance in a social media story!” He called out as you reversed out of your spot, driving off with your middle finger extended in his direction.

You weren’t a firm believer in the idea about people changing. People are the way they are, especially once in adulthood. The way someone acts by the time they’re in their early twenties, in your experience anyways, was how the person was meant to be. Which is why you were entirely confused about why Josh was growing on you.

After spending more than a few evenings at his home to appear in his stories or Instagram posts, even making it into a TikTok, you were growing more comfortable around him. Even opting to hang out without the need for posting purposes. You hadn’t even given a second thought to why you were okay with it.

It honestly started after your suggested publicity date. After having a night out at a fancy dinner, you decided to do something a tad more laid back for your date choice. However, when you realized that they wanted you to be seen out in public together, it dawned on you what to do.

The boys were still on tour, so like any normal “girlfriend” or “wife”, you flew out to spend some real good quality time with your partner. He even went the extra mile to pick you up from the airport. Your decision to keep him in the dark of what your planned outing entailed was driving him insane.

It is also why he was standing in the happiest place on earth with the largest scowl on his face you had ever seen. With your Minnie Mouse ears adorned, Mickey Mouse t-shirt, and Nuimo sticking out of your cross body bag, you were beaming from ear to ear. Walking up to Josh, you stood directly in front of him, placing a pair of ears on the frowning boy.

“No, no. Absolutely not.” Giggles fell from your parted lips as he took them off with a loud sigh. “Okay, Mr. Grumpy, what would you like to do first? Space Mountain or Autopia? I think we should do Autopia because it’s a car perfect for your frame and one you might actually be able to reach the pedals in.”

He mocked a fake laugh, walking in the direction of Space Mountain. Josh could try all he wanted to feign irritation with where you two had landed for your date, but by mid-afternoon, he was smiling more often than not.

Even indulging in a churro although it was against his dietary restrictions. You two were sitting in New Orleans Square, splitting a box of popcorn, giving your feet a rest after the incredibly long day, but your mood and spirits had never been so high around him before.

Laughter and smiles had been a regular throughout the course of the day, nearly riding every ride you could. Josh was grinning like a child after having indulged himself all day. “I can’t believe you actually bought the picture from Splash Mountain. It’s so dumb!” You spoke through laughs.

Whipping the picture out, you were cowering over, blocking yourself from the water, face contorted in fear while Josh had both hands up, the biggest smile you’d ever seen as he yelled out in excitement. As he put more popcorn in his mouth, his eyes narrowed at you.

“Why’d you pick here?” Smirking, you sipped from your novelty alien sipper cup. “For starters, I knew you’d be pissed when we walked in.” He shrugged in agreement, a light tint falling on his cheeks. “But I also knew that you would warm up after a few rides and snacks. Almost everyone does. And I picked somewhere where I knew we would be spotted.”

Sliding your phone across the tabletop, a photo of you and Josh on the teacups was circling the Twittersphere. “I think I’m starting to get the celebrity appearance thing.” Taking a bite of your salty treat, Josh eyed you in surprise.

“Well, look at you.” His gaze settles on you for just a beat too long, causing you to fidget in your seat. Looking back at your phone to get away from the uncomfortable feeling worming its way in your stomach, you spoke out. “C’mon, we have a lighting lane for Indiana Jones.”

Josh stared after you as you stood and began walking in the direction of the ride. His plan was working.

It was pissing you off to no end. You didn’t want to like Josh or be friends with him. Not since his fuck up in high school that was the root cause of all of this. So why was he growing on you?

Refusing to fall for the sweet Josh act, which you were beginning to doubt was an act at all, after your Disney day, you decided to keep contact and visits extremely limited. Only showing up at his home to appear in a quick story and then immediately leaving. Josh wasn’t a fan of this sudden change either.

Becoming downtrodden each time you rushed to leave his home after making brief appearances. Keeping conversations to a minimum. When you received a text from Josh saying one of your final dates was ready to take place, you were dreading spending an evening with him. Not excited about the confusing feelings that were happening.

Yet, here you were at a concert for the boys. Given you were as good of friends with Jake as you were, most people figured that you were constantly at concerts. Not really. Actually, you had only really seen them perform a handful of times. Now that you and Josh were married?

Of course the perfect opportunity for a sighting was going to be at a concert, supporting your fake spouse. Okay, not entirely fake because the marriage itself was technically real, but whatever. Standing off to the side of the stage, you smiled warmly at them putting their best efforts into their show.

It was hard not to notice the wandering eyes of fans falling to you and realization dawning on the crowd who you really were. Animosity towards you hadn’t been too much to deal with. Sure, there were people who truly didn’t comprehend how you and Josh were together. There had never been a mention of you before, Jake working overtime to ensure that through your friendship, and now all of a sudden this random woman is married to Josh?

Bonkers.

As their encore wrapped up, once Jake stepped off stage, you jumped in excitement, offering your happy praises of how well the show had gone tonight. Walking off with Jake, you halted as their manager’s wide eyes observed you, subtly nodding his head in the direction of who you should have been walking with.

Jake offered you a knowing smile, continuing towards his dressing room as you waited for Josh. As his curly hair bounced towards you, you offered a large smile. He knew what he was doing as an arm wrapped around your waist, pulling you towards him and connecting your lips.

You froze, not expecting him to do something like that. As he retreated, his arm never left you, a smile still adorned as he turned you around and walked you towards his own room. Skin positively on fire from the encounter, your stomach was a chaotic mess of nerves.

Sitting in the general waiting area for Josh to finish getting ready to head to the hotel, you were literally sitting on the edge of your seat. You weren’t stupid, you knew why Josh kissed you right in the viewline of hundreds of fans. So, why was your mind running about the passion behind it? And why did you like it?

His curly due popped out of his door, a big grin greeting you as his wet hair dripped down his temples. “Ready to go?” Nodding with no verbal response, his hand linked with yours, escorting you down the tunnel. Your eyes were glued to the faux wedding rings adorning your hands.

Some fans waved you off in the private cars that headed in the direction of the hotel. Not muttering a word, Josh could sense the vibe was just ever so slightly different than normal. He knew you weren’t upset, but you weren’t exactly dripping with excitement either. Nervous?

It remained silent in the elevator ride up to the floor of your rooms. When he walked to his door, he finally made eye contact with you for the first time all evening. “Do you want to come inside and talk for a bit?”

Your wavering voice would give away your endless thoughts, so you just bob your head in agreement, stepping into the suite before him. Sitting on the overly large sofa for one person, Josh immediately knew something was different when you didn’t give a snide remark about that.

Finally sitting next to you, he handed you a drink from the bar. “Alright, what the hell is wrong with you? This is the longest you’ve ever been silent around me.” Sighing, you battled how to word this, but Josh beat you to it. “Was it the kiss? I’m sorry I should’ve asked you beforehand, but so many people were around I thought it was what I should do.”

Shaking your head, you felt heat creep up your neck. “No, no it’s fine. I agree, it was what should have been done. It’s just,” trailing off, his eyebrows furrowed. “It’s just what?” Deciding against telling him how you truly felt about it, you changed conversation tracks.

“Just that it was a lot of fun seeing you guys perform. Makes me realize who I’m actually married to.” He bought it. Immediately smiling brightly at your words, he relaxed into the stiff couch. “I can’t get over that. We’re married.” You both chuckled, eyes going to the wedding rings you wore.

“Do you remember the night at all?” He questioned, seeing if you had any recollection of how it came to be. Eyes going to the ceiling, you laughed as you tried to replay the fuzzy night. “I remember laughing. A lot. It was at one of those twenty-four hour chapels on the Strip. Jake was your best man, Jita was my maid of honor. Jake signed as our witness. Sam recorded the whole thing on Instagram.”

You two were erupting in laughter at the sheer stupidity of the situation. “You wanted to consummate the marriage right there in the chapel on the pew.” Josh laughed into his glass. Your jaw opened in shock, refuting the claim. “I did not!” Josh’s eyebrows raised as he recalled it. “Oh yes you did.”

Sitting there and staring into his eyes as his laughter died down, you gave a shrug. “Okay. So, what if I did? Would you have taken me right there?” He didn’t hesitate, not an inkling of nerves as his response came quickly.

“I would’ve taken you right there if we had been alone.” Swallowing thickly, in the blink of an eye Josh had ended up on top of you. Teeth hitting in a messy, hurried encounter. His tongue trying to explore every inch he could.

It moved so quickly you weren’t sure how you had ended up entirely nude in his bedroom. On your knees and hands, Josh pounding into you from behind. Hitting so deep inside of you that you were certain you were going to split in two.

Your moans were borderline murderous screams. Body being moved forward which each meet of his hips to your ass. The sounds ridiculously lude as your soaked bodies continued to join over and over.

As his cum painted your back and ass, you felt like you had run a marathon. His fingers still lightly tracing circles over your throbbing clit, instead of stopping all at once, easing you out of the pleasure that wracked your body.

Limbs turning to immediate jelly, you weren’t sure how you ended up in the shower together, going for another round. Fairly certain your body would never be able to recover again. Yet here you were, accepting him again with pleads. Years of pent up aggression with one another colliding.

Heavenly.

Well, that complicated it a bit more. What the hell was the matter with you? It was Josh for god’s sake! All you needed to do was show up for the concert, hang out with him for a few minutes, then go to your own room, and fly home the next afternoon. You couldn’t even do that right.

Because you were currently entangled in bedsheets with the boy, limbs intertwined, and you didn’t want to move. He was just so warm and soft, comfortable beyond belief. The gentle rise and fall of his chest nearly eases you back to sleep.

It was only a couple minutes later when he stirred awake, humming in content at you still being there. Arms tightening their grip on you. His deep, husky morning voice broke the gentle air, erupting your skin in goosebumps. “Morning,” his lips landed on the crown of your bedhead, trailing down to your cheek, then neck.

Easy was one way to describe it. The head of his cock breaching your entrance slowly and deeply. Lifting your leg as you remained on your side, Josh right behind you. His fingers danced on your clit, and in no time at all, you two fell apart.

Wanting to return back to the safe slumber of your life, he refused. As your eyes slid shut, they shot back open as his tongue traced your leaking hole. It was going to be a long morning. Which you didn’t really mind.

Letting Josh take you to brunch probably wasn’t the best move, but you couldn’t bring it in yourself to come up with a phony excuse as to why you couldn’t. You wanted to spend some time with him, it wasn’t a crime or anything. If anything, it only strengthened the PR relationship you were putting up!

Oh, shut up.

Even when you got home, you found yourself looking forward to hearing from Josh. He didn’t understand what the change had been or when it had actually happened, but he wasn’t complaining. If anything, he was celebrating it. You were no longer doing everything in your power to avoid him, but instead were actually reaching out to see when you could see him again.

This was the literal best case scenario for him. His yearning for you over the years had only grown stronger through all of this and what had been a silly crush on his brother's best friend was blossoming into an actual romance.

Still, you were hiding your reasoning for seeing him behind the PR aspect of this arrangement, but the more you presented it and accepted when he did, the more hopeful he was becoming. It might be silly wishes, but after having harbored these feelings for you for as long as he had been, getting this close was playing with fire.

Did anyone have any idea about this infatuation? Not in the slightest. Josh knew he had done a wonderful job of keeping it at bay. Perhaps it came off as an elementary level crush where he teased you relentlessly, but he seriously had little to no game and that was how he knew to get your attention.

Some fine tuning was most definitely needed, he would admit that.

Did the teasing that Josh relentlessly tormented you with sear into your memory and want you to second guess what you were doing? Absolutely. In fact, one night in particular would always stick out to you. A junior year pool party where Josh announced to the entire party during a truth or dare session that you had never slept with a boy let alone kissed a boy, mortified you.

You could remember the shocked faces of your friends who had all recently gone on sexual journeys that school year and were no longer at your clumsy virgin level anymore. Only having told Jake in confidence, you were horrified to discover that Josh had obtained that information and that he thought it would gain some laughter and bump him up in popularity to divulge it.

He had regretted it immediately after it left his mouth. Your vision of him forever tainted. Of course, you would never admit that was the line he had crossed, instead picking other things about him that annoyed you. Josh knew the real reason.

So, where did that leave you both? Sitting in Josh’s living room about to sign your annulment paperwork after four months of fake dating. He had called you that afternoon at work and said his lawyer had dropped them off and all that was needed was a signature from you both.

Holding the pen to paper you signed your name, handing it over to Josh and seeing him do the same. Letting out a shaky laugh with a puff of air, you eyed him. “Okay, well that nightmare is now over.” He chuckled with you, hands rubbing nervously over the tops of his thighs.

“I am sorry about all of this.” You finally broke the tension by saying. Josh knew what you meant. This had been your idea. The entire thing. Having made a bet with Jake that if you could win on a $200 bet in one go at a blackjack table, he owed you $5,000. Being as inebriated as he was, he hastily agreed. Yet, when he asked what would happen if you lost it left you fumbling for an answer. Something worth at least that monetary value, you reached your decision quickly.

“I’ll marry Josh tonight.” Everyone hooted and hollered, watching you place your bet and of course, losing on the spot. Josh immediately invited everyone to come to the chapel with you both, saying he couldn’t imagine marrying you without his family there. One Instagram livestream and twenty some odd stories later, you two were hitched.

He shrugged with a chuckle thinking back to it. “It’s a funny story we will always look back on and laugh about.” Agreeing with him and not sure what your next move was, you rose from his sofa, heading toward the front door when your name echoed in the large room.

Turning, you saw Josh cross to get to you. Colliding together, your purse fell to the floor, wrapping your arms around his neck as he crushed you to him. “Don’t go.” He spoke out. You nodded eagerly, bringing him back to you.

“I like you. A lot.” He spoke out in between kisses. Only a muffled mhm and me too escaped your throat before Josh led you to his room.

It was like answering a craving that your body was shaking to get its fill on. Like a drug you had never experienced before. Needing him in you more than the air you breathed. Filling the void that only Josh could fill.

Only Josh. That was all your mind could think of. Could handle. Even as he eyed you, laying nude in his sheets, he riddled every thought.

“Can I take you out?” You laughed, seeing him eyeing you from above you. “I’m serious! I know we kind of did this backwards, but I really do like you. I want to take you out. For real.” Narrowing your eyes at him, you grabbed his chin in your fingertips. “Promise you won’t marry me this time?” He nodded, looking at you like you were crazy.

“Absolutely. The plan is to knock you up this time.”

#ficthots #josh kiszka #greta van fleet #joshua kiszka #josh kiszka imagine #josh kiszka fanfiction #josh gvf #greta van fleet imagine #greta van fleet smut #greta van fleet fan fiction #danny wagner #jake kiszka #sam kiszka #josh kiszka x reader #josh kiszka smut #josh kiskza fanfic #josh kiszka x reader smut #josh kiszka x y/n #josh kiszka x you

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rin-and-jade · 2 months

Text

Gripped by Glue Trap: a Post about Front Stuck & Lock

I get it, there's no such thing as an actual big glue trap with being stuck outside as a system,, but oftentimes its gonna feel that way because whatever was done... that glue won't even struggle one bit, only we do. That frustration is what we all have when switching is not an option.

But do you ever think this glue is defeatable? It latches hard and wears you out the more you try to get out of the situation,, so you might think not.. yet i do! That's what this post is going to be about folks, getting your little bug-self free with my secret trick from another human glue trap ensnared in their house.

But.. what is it actually?

Generally, as a system, we facilitate each other's strengths and weaknesses by switching in and out, as all those parts are not wholly integrated compared to a singlet. And. Uh oh. You're stuck and can't get out? You're trapped!.. that little drop of sap caught your leg and now you couldn't leave, even if you wanted to. Though you still can express to your buddies that you need help or etc. (and, this is called front stuck)

Or sometimes, we can even get stranded away from our pack (as in stress, or anything that worsens internal communication), wondering alone, and stood on a nasty manmade trap that caught you without mercy. This time, you're immobile and out of reach to call for reinforcements (now, this one is called front lock)

Sap? Glue? What's the diff??

To put it simply, being stuck means being unable to get out from the front or surrender the control to another part. While being locked off is the worser version of being stuck because not only you cannot surrender the control, there is barely any stream of communication you can connect to, or nonexistent, head silent and all that.

The only similarity they have is how it greatly impedes the fronter's capability to ease in or out from front,, if not, impossible.

These two also happen for different possible reasons, such as:

↓ Stuck ↓

Unfinished tasks

Goal/wants not met yet

Ongoing role duty (for protectors, hosts, etc)

Reluctance handing control/fear of blacking out

Mild stressors (like anxiety)

.. and more

↓ Locked ↓

Dissociation

Fight/flight response

Overwhelm

Bigger stressors

Major life changes

Re-occurring trauma

.. and more

Just a reminder that all systems are different, and these same reasons that causes to be stuck/lock will result in an opposite reaction such as rapid switching or being blurry! This post is mainly for those who experience stuck/lock.

Then, how do i get my leg out?!

I can tell you that, but i have to explain how this ordeal happened in the first place so it'll make sense, bare with me;

You know the parasympathetic (rest) and sympathetic (fight/flight) response, yeah? These two responses flicks on depending when there's safety or presented threats. Now, DMN is a part of the parasympathetic response, the full name is Default Mode Network, which is fully responsible for.. well.. default stuffs such as mind wandering, planning, thinking inwards,, those typical things that happen when you're bored. This is also the reason you why can facilitate better communication with other parts compared to when, let's say, being busy with tasks.

Know it or not, sometimes our mind has to wander a little bit in order to chat with other parts of ourself, and stress snaps us out of that relaxed state in purpose of focusing whats at outside, rather than inside, which where everything system-y lies at. Some do not get affected and still can function as-if, so understand how your system works and use that to the advantage.

How to hack yourself from fight/flight to rest mode again? Via vagus nerve stimulation! Not sure if you ever heard of this word, but the vagus is one part of the cranial nerves that is responsible for the activation of this parasympathetic response..! It's like the oil to the glue, because it hijacks the adhesive properties with something so viscous that it binds to it instead of you!! --

Here are some activities you can do to disable the glue:

Gurgle water, hum, or sing: this is because the vagus is located around your neck, and can be easily stimulated that way.

Watch something: redirecting yourself with a distraction can ease you temporarily, giving time to calm down, which brings you out of the grips of stress.

Listen to music: another way if you don't have anything to watch, even better if you put on soothing, slower songs.

Move around: get those pented up anxiety or restlessness out! movement equals expression, this also activates the vagus nerve.

Breathe deeply: rebalance the vagus by breathing in and out slowly, this nerve is also responsible for your breathing pace too, so giving a little push of balance will create a domino effect for your nerve to work.

Unfocus your eyes: or, another way to do it is to focus more on the peripheral vision rather than the vocal point. This is a way to poke the same nerve's functions, oddly can work as a booster to make yourself slightly dissociated/disconnected which facilitates switches or a general break/distraction.

Solve/asses it: it will be nothing if you do not tackle the thing you are very stressed out about, which can extend how long you'll be stuck,, so use these tips above to regain self control and tackle them with me, or your trusted friends, or even alone after examining what could be done! Talking to someone also helps, even if there's nothing productive being done.

Take it easy and break it down: this one is if you're on a role job and things are being difficult, incase you're overwhelmed, remember to do it step by step, no need to be rash about getting back in first, that time will come as long you focus whats in front.

Remember, fight/flight brings us out from clarity and rational thinking, thanks to our limbic part of the brain who is primed for survival and instincts. Be more gentle with yourself, as you could be more irritable, moody, or resorting to less-safe coping mechanisms, focus on calming down before proceeding the situation.

Takeaway

So, what will you do if you're stuck next time? Don't forget to make a plan to deal this sticky situation, especially for those who are often stuck, this practice will practice your vagus nerve to be less susceptible, turning off because of stress,, giving you a better stress window and tolerance before succumbing once more.... to the good ol' glue.

Lastly, it is possible to be stuck/lock for months or years, which is an indicator of underlying long-term issues that needs to be addressed. If anyone needs some tips for this, ring me on the DMs as these practices rarely work for this type.

Oh, and, what do you guys think? What else i had not mentioned? Do you have anything to discuss with me on this topic? Let's do that! I hope this suffice in helping you tackle the next time problems arise.

Happy straddling lil' ant.

- j

#did #actually did #did community #did osdd #did system #dissociative identity disorder #sysblr #plural #system stuff #jeducates

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revasserium · 1 month

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Hello, Rain! Congrats on the 2k followers! 🎉💖 Hope your day is going well!! For the event, may I request Marius and butterfly lovers? ☺️

prompt list reqs are: temporarily closed

14. butterfly lovers

marius von hagen; 5,103 words; fluff, no "y/n", slightly canon-divergent, highschool sweethearts to lovers, marius being the simp he is, mentions of dif socioeconomic backgrounds, verbal bullying from other students

summary: marius does not have many friends at starhigh; you see fit to change that fact.

a/n: this is loosely based on both his "precious mornings" ssr and also his "world of glitz" ssr so vague spoilers for both and you'll understand this more if you kinda sorta know those but otherwise it's just a cute lil fic to feed my marius obsession (ㅅ´ ˘ `)

001. want and need

“I don’t want anything from you.”

Those are the first ever words you say to Marius von Hagen.

It is, by all accounts, a strange kind of meet-cute (if you can even call it that, years later, with his arms curled around your middle, his chin hooked over your shoulder — the pair of you reminiscing on your school days, marveling on the passage of time, how quick things flash by. But back then, time had seemed an infinite thing, ticking solidly through from morning till night, Monday to Friday and onwards), but even then, Marius had an alarming amount of charm and self-awareness, a shockingly prurient view on the world.

Rich and spoiled as he may be, no one could say that he wasn’t brilliant.

“Sorry?” he says, blinking over the stack of notes he’d been going over in the library as you slump down in the seat opposite, tossing your bag onto the table and propping your cheek on your hand.

You shrug, “Just wanted you to know that… I don’t want anything from you. So, yeah,” you repeat, pulling out your own set of notebooks. They’re a bit battered but full of multi-colored tabs that bulge out the sides and top, your textbooks, clearly secondhand. Marius blinks for a second but doesn’t comment, leaning back slightly to look you over.

“Then, senpai…” an easy, self-serving smirk twists the corner of his lips, “why’re you here?”

You pause, fingers hovering over a pink gel pen, your shoulders tensing.

“All the other tables were full.”

It’s a bold-faced lie, but Marius makes a show of turning to look at the tables around you both — sure, they’ve all got one or two people but none are full. You could’ve chosen to sit at any of the other tables, with any of the other students. And yet.

“And,” you add, rather sniffily, “how’d you know I’m not in your year?”

Marius considers his answer — because Payton had presented him with a roster of everyone in his class (with headshots) the week before his first day and asked in that smooth gentle way of his for Marius to “make sure he’s done his homework”, because since then, almost every single person in his grade has tried to come up and introduce themselves, toppling over each other to try and make an impression, to stake their claim on his friendship and by proxy, Pax Group.

Because he wouldn’t have forgotten a face like your’s.

“Cause…. I know all the pretty girls in my year already.” He winks.

Easier to play up the foppish, rich fuckboy facade than admit any of those other things which are infinitely more true, but no less harrowing for a growing teenage boy to try and admit.

Predictably, you roll your eyes and continue on your journey of emptying the entire contents of your schoolbag onto the remaining space of the table.

“Right.” Your tone is disbelieving and Marius feels a thread of intrigue twang in his chest against the initial shock of your blunt appearance. You don’t believe him, and yet you’re still here. You claim that you don’t want anything from him, and yet.

“So? Are you gonna introduce yourself? Seems kinda rude to sit down at someone else’s table and not even tell them your name.” Marius taps the heel of a pen to his cheek, the intrigue slowly festering into curiosity. It itches inside his chest and he finds himself leaning in as you slate him a long, piercing look.

“Fine.” You say, and then you tell him your name — first and last, with no title, no frills, no mention of a family dynasty or some kind of foreign conglomerate empire. In fact, Marius realizes as he runs through his quick mental list of all the who’s who of society, he has no clue who you are or who you might be related to. It’s a difficult thing to achieve at Starhigh. And then he remembers —

“I’m on scholarship,” you say, dropping your eyes back to your now open notebook, twirling your pen once before setting in to scribbling along some sort of complicated looking diagram. Your voice is flat, almost curt, cut short by the implication of those three words.

Scholarship.

Marius knows that the prestigious academy accepts a handful of scholarship students a year, mostly as marketing fodder to pander to the masses — look at us, opening our gold-gilded doors, our marble-foyered halls, peeling back our velvet curtains to accept commoners who are driven enough, who are brilliant enough to shine amongst the ready-born stars.

“Well, guess someone’s gotta keep the test scores up,” Marius says, now entirely taken with the task of watching you take notes. You pause again, glancing up. There’s a spark behind your eyes that makes his heart stutter.

“Ah… so you do know about us.”

Us. You say the word so casually but it still makes Marius flinch inwardly. An “us” precludes a “them” — one group, and the other. Somehow, Marius doesn’t like the thought of you and him being othered from each other so obviously by your respective social circles, even though he knows it’s unavoidable.

“Sure I do — I mean, none of us study hard enough to make the numbers we post every year,” he says, with a stab at casual nonchalance, putting an extra emphasis on his use of “us” just to be a tad more self-deprecating. That should be the tactic here — people like to feel superior, so debasing himself a little from time to time is necessary.

So he tells himself.

You, however, don’t seem to be buying it.

“I’ve seen you in here every afternoon for the past two months.”

Marius leans back, stretching his arms over his head and yawning hugely.

“Nowhere else to be, so…” but even he hears the strained edge to his voice, the flatness that drops at the end of his would-be cheery tone. You hike an imperious eyebrow and Marius feels heat cresting up the back of his neck.

“Nowhere else?” you echo the words back at him, but in your voice, they sound softer, more wistful.

He slumps back forward, making an exaggerated face.

“Yeah, my brother’s busy with the company and my dad’s… off somewhere in Europe doing whatever he does in Europe,” he waves a would-be careless hand and sighs dramatically, “what’s a guy to do with all that time but —” he motions around the gorgeous library reading room with it’s floor to ceiling windows and endless stacks of priceless reference books and first editions.

“But to study,” you finish for him, amusement dangling off the end of your words like a comma, hinged there, waiting for the rest of the sentence, the remainder of the story.

Marius chews on the inside of his cheek and doubles down with a light laugh and another good-natured wink. Meanwhile, he can’t help the way his mind is racing. Why would a scholarship student randomly come up to him in the library, loudly declare that she “doesn’t want anything from him” and then proceed to invade his personal space?

It reminds him, outlandishly, of the story of a man who’d struck gold, and then, terrified that someone would come steal it from him, proceeded to bury it all back with the sign “NO GOLD BURIED HERE” tacked up over the mound of freshly dug earth. The denial so egregious that it rebounds back into confirmation instead.

Were you really trying to get closer to him by telling him to his face that you had no such intentions?

His chases down the line of thought, the speculations spiraling wilder and wilder until your voice snaps him sharply back into focus.

“Oi! Are you okay?”

Marius blinks, jerking back as you click your fingers in front of his face.

“Huh? Oh yeah sorry —”

You cock your head, that strange, knowing spark still flickering behind your eyes.

“Where’d you go off to, hm?”

Marius opens his mouth before shutting it again, shaking his head.

“Just… never mind.”

“You do that a lot, don’t you?” you ask, cocking your head to one side, birdlike.

“Do what?”

“Keep things to yourself.”

And this time, Marius feels himself being caught off-guard — there’s a skip to his already arhythmic heartbeat, a skid in his breath, a click-shuffle-snap in his mind’s eye as he tries to refocus his attention on what you’d just said. And when he does, heat and heat and heat claws its way up his skin, bleeding into his cheeks before he can force it back down.

“I - I don’t know what you mean.” There — that quaver in his voice. He curses himself for it. The vulnerability of it all.

“I’ve seen it, y’know —” you say, sighing as you drop your eyes back onto your notes, now highlighting something in a bright, blinding chartreuse, “the way people flock to you. But I mean, everyone titters over everyone else here, don’t they?”

Marius stares, nearly open-mouthed at the casual, almost bland way you’re laying it all out, as if he weren’t the storm-center around which all of this social grandstanding spins.

“What do they ask you about first? Oh, lemme guess — is it the fact that you’re confirmed to be Pax’s next CEO or whether you like girls with short hair? I guess the short-hair thing is a bit less on the nose, right?”

You flip a page in your notebook and methodically tab it with a pink sticky note.

“What do you want?” the words are out of his mouth before he can stop himself, and Marius realizes too late that he’s staring, wide-eyed and desperate, his heart now pounding inside him like some angry, caged thing, thudding so hard against the back of his throat that he actually feels like it might leap right out of his mouth.

Placidly, you raise your eyes back to look at him, meeting his wild, bewildered gaze with the steady, solid one of your own.

“Like I said… I don’t want anything from you.” Your voice is calm, your words sure.

Disbelief roils inside him like sickness and he swallows hard as he realizes his hands had clenched into white-knuckled fists on the table between you.

“Then why —” his voice isn’t light anymore, instead it's jagged around the edges, raw and torn and bleeding.

He feels naked, exposed, stripped in a way that he hadn’t felt since the first time his father had taken him to visit the family shrine.

You purse your lips and sigh, and this time, you look just as tired as he feels as you slowly start to gather up your things.

“Because… you just looked a bit lonely and I thought you might like some company.”

You tuck your last gel-pen back into your bag before hoisting it onto your shoulder, turning and walking away.

002. oh bully you

“Senpai… you know it was super mean of you to just leave me like that yesterday.”

You jump nearly a foot in the air as Marius drops into the empty desk directly in front of you, straddling the chair back with his legs on either side, crossing his arms over top of your opened textbook and peering up at you from beneath his damnably long lashes.

He bats them at you as you blink down at him, trying to reconcile the sight of him with the space of your classroom — which is not his classroom, because — right, of course, you’re not in the same grade. So, why —

“Oh~ reading even during lunch period? You’re so studious — hey d’you think you can help me with the history homework? I suck at names and dates.”

You stare at him for two whole seconds longer before narrowing your eyes.

“What’re you doing here? This isn’t your classroom.”

Marius pouts, feigning hurt, “But senpai… it’s lunchtime! Didn’t you say you wanted to keep me company yesterday?”

“Yester — “ you break off, understanding finally settling over your confused expression as you soften in your chair. casting him a reproachful look.

“Well you didn’t seem like you wanted the company so I thought —”

“Wha — I never said that! You just caught me off guard! I was just asking what you wanted to do for the rest of the afternoon, but you stormed off. Ah… I thought you were angry with me — you’re not angry with me, are you senpai?”

You let out an exasperated sigh at his antics, but a smile still breaks across your lips.

“Did I say I was angry?”

Marius’s grin widens by degrees.

All around you, people are beginning to stare. What is Marius von Hagen, society’s most elite golden child doing with a no-name scholarship student like you? And acting all chummy when no one had ever seen you two together before? Whispers gather like a rising tide but Marius doesn’t seem to notice as he casually reaches over your textbooks to peer into your bento.

“Whoa! That looks so delicious! Did you make it all yourself? Can I have some? I’ve always wanted to try home-cooked food from someone my age!”

You smack his hand lightly and click your tongue.

“Manners! And if you wait patiently, I’ll let you have half.”

Marius smiles cheekily, looking all too pleased with himself as the whispers and murmurs gather in strength and volume. And by the end of the day, there’s not a soul in school who doesn’t know about the strange new friendship between you and Marius von Hagen.

003. rumors

“Did you hear?”

“Yeah — and with Marius —“

“Everyone says he’s nice but hard to get close to, so how the hell —“

“Maybe it’s some kind of… arrangement?”

“But why would a von Hagen need any kind of arrangement?”

“Dunno, but maybe it’s a charity project?”

“What? Adopt-a-pleb? Ha!”

“I’ve seen them around campus — he’s always following her around —“

“Ugh, so weird! Unless they’re dating? But god, he’s so out of her league it’s not even funny.”

“Hey do you know anyone who knows her?”

“Ew, no! Who would any of us know who knows her? She’s scholarship!”

“Maybe that’s why he’s so into her? Like… y’know those kids who grow up in the desert and have never seen snow?”

“What, like he’s never seen a poor person before?”

“Up close? Have you?”

“Ugh, it’s just so… weird. I bet he’ll lose interest in her by the end of the month. There’s no way they’re actually friends.”

“Yeah, that or… they’re…”

“Oh… that.”

“You don’t think…”

“Well… if she’s really that good… I guess a guy could overlook anything, right?”

004. in place

He has always been quiet when he paints, but there’s something in the thick, churning silence today that makes you pause, looking up from the book of sewing patterns in your lap. The sun’s long since set, and there’s only the two you left in the arts classroom.

Marius frowns as he leans back, a streak of dark blue paint smearing his cheek.

You glance at the canvas, pressing your lips.

“Okay. What’s wrong?”

“Hm?” he sounds distracted as he picks another brush and leans in to carve a thick slab of black through the heart of the already dark and chaotic painting.

“You’re stewing. What’s wrong?”

“How do you know I’m stewing? I’m not stewing,” Marius huffs, tossing the paintbrushes into a can, his lips pursed into a pout as he turns towards you.

You snap your book shut and sigh, “Because. I just do. And you just admitted it.”

“No, I didn’t!”

“Did too — now spill it.”

“I —” Marius lets out another loud sigh before knitting his arms across his chest, turning back toward the canvas and picking up his brushes. He squints at the painting as if it’s done him some grievous personal harm, and then jams his brush into the middle, his strokes going wide and harsh.

“Have you heard the rumors?”

You scoff, “What, about us?”

“Yeah…” his voice drops, and you almost laugh at how childish he sounds before you realize that you’re both still children. You wonder if things will change when you grow up — the thought of it seems so far away. Like this, in the fluorescent brightness of the empty art classroom, the night outside stretches like an uncertain future, unfurling into impenetrable darkness.

“Sure I have,” you say, watching him as he pulls back to examine the dark blob on the canvas.

“You’re not mad?” He doesn’t look at you and you don’t make to look away.

“Why would I be mad?” You open your book again to mark your page before tucking it away in your bag. Marius pauses as you start to pack.

“Because it’s horrible! The things they’re saying — I mean, I’m used to it because I’ve grown up around people like this but you’re —” he cuts himself off as you whip around, eyebrows raised.

“I’m what? Different?”

Marius gapes, scrambling for words that do not come.

You pack up the rest of your things in a terse silence, then you push out of your chair with a loud scrape.

“But y’know, the people who talk behind your back? They’re right where they should be.”

Marius frowns.

Your lips pull into a wide smirk as you shoulder your bag, “Behind you.”

You’re barely out the door before Marius lets out an incredulous laugh and topples back into his chair. He lets a second pass and then he’s launching out of the chair, grabbing his own bag and slinging it over his back.

“Senpai! Wait for me! Hey, you wanna go to that really cute restaurant that just opened last week? It’s got a Michelin Star but I’m sure I can get us seats!”

005. be-friend

“Marius! You’re so funny!”

“Wow, Marius — that’s incredible! You’re so smart!”

Marius laughs, carding a hand through his hair, his expression bright and open and unassuming, but the group of people around him all inch in closer, as sunflowers might strain towards the sun.

“Hey.”

You lean against the doorframe with an amused grin.

Marius looks up, his eyes visibly brightening as he sees you.

“Senpai! I was waiting for you!”

“Bullshit. We’re gonna be late for the show.” You tap at your wrist where a watch might be as Marius bounds out of his chair, shaking off his hoard of simpering admirers.

“W-wait! Marius! We’re all gonna head to the Ace Club later — you know, the super exclusive one? Don’t you wanna come with us?” one of the girls asks hopefully.

Marius turns, smiling as if he doesn’t hear the strained desperation in her voice, the flash of annoyance in her eyes as she looks you over.

“Sorry! Maybe next time — I’ve got a theater date I can’t miss. Bye!”

“You know if you keep calling them dates, people are going to get the wrong idea, right?” you ask breezily, sounding less concerned and more amused.

“So? Let them get the wrong idea.”

You cast him a mischievous grin, “Ah… the prince in love with the pauper. Tale as old as time.”

At this, Marius pouts, “Senpai… so mean to me… and you were the one who wanted to be my friend first.”

You wave him off with a flap of your hands, “Sure, but you’re the one who stuck around.”

“Hmph, maybe after tonight’s show, we’ll go our separate ways then,” Marius makes a show of harumphing and stomping off in front of you as you laugh and jog to catch up, swatting him in the side with your bag.

“So you’re just hanging out with me for the theater perks?”

“Yep! Well, I knew you’d find me out eventually,” Marius smiles, teasing as the pair of you make your way off campus and turn towards the community theater.

After a while, Marius bumps you with his elbow, “You really are super good at costume design… are you sure you don’t wanna —”

“I don’t want a handout, Marius.” Your voice has gone cold and clipped, and Marius bites his lip, shoulders shrugging up as you continue to walk.

“I wasn’t offering one. It’s just… there’s a Pax program for young aspiring artists to study abroad in Europe and…”

“And you’re offering to get me in? That’s literally the definition of a handout.”

“No! I’m just telling you about it. I swear I won’t say a word about your application — if you even apply, that is…” he sounds eager in a way that you haven’t heard in a long time. Not since he’d entered the school fine arts contest under a pseudonym.

You give him a sidelong look before sighing, “I’ll… think about it.”

“Okay! That’s —” he reigns himself in as he skips out in front of you, looking not unlike an over-excited puppy, “that’s… good! Wah — I’m so excited for tonight’s play! Hamlet, right?”

You laugh as you hurry to catch up to him, “Yeah. But it’s not like you haven’t seen it before — didn’t you say that you dad took you to see it in London or something?”

“Yeah, but that’s different.”

“How?”

Marius rolls his eyes, smiling cheekily down at you, but when you catch his eyes you see them go soft, the light in them somehow molten as he looks and looks and looks at you.

“Obviously, because Ophelia’s dress wouldn’t have been made by you!”

006. stay and leave

“I got in!”

Marius blinks at the flat beige of his bedroom ceiling as your voice rings out from across the phone line. The bed beneath him is perfectly made, the silken sheets freshly pressed from this morning.

“A-ah! Congrats, senpai!” he tries to sound like his usual cheery self but he’s not sure how successful it is.

A beat.

“Marius?”

“Yeah?”

“Thank you.”

“For what?”

Another beat. Marius shifts, curling onto his side, cradling the phone to his ear as he stares at the halo of light cast by his artisan bedside lamp.

“For… telling me about the program. And… for not pulling any strings on the back end.”

Marius grins, flipping onto his back again, “How’dyou know I didn’t?”

Your laugh comes through the line, soft and sweet.

“Because. I know you.”

Something inside Marius squeezes; he fists his fingers into the soft silk of his nightshirt. Warmth spreads from the base of his spine up through the rest of his body till he’s tingling from his toes to his nose. He wrinkles it, feeling abashed as he scratches at his cheek, even though he knows you can’t see the gesture.

“R-right — so! When do you leave?”

“End of the summer — so…”

“So?”

You sound hesitant in a way that he’s not used to.

“I’ll miss you.”

He almost misses the words, they’re so soft, so quiet that he almost thinks he might’ve imagined them. But he knows your voice almost better than he knows his own, knows the color and shape, the weight and temperature. Knows how it gets pitched when you’re excited, and flat when you get mad. Knows the giddiness that fills it like sweet champagne bubbles when you know something and want to share. Knows the dull coolness of it when you’re done or tired or annoyed.

“Senpai…” Marius presses his cheek ever closer to the face of the phone, “if you keep saying that, I might ask them to rescind your acceptance letter just so you can’t go.”

He smiles, bracing for the sharp bite of your reprimand, but it doesn’t come. Instead, he hears you sigh.

“Just promise you’ll come visit, okay?”

“Sure! I’ll come every weekend if you want! My dad’s old jet’s been sitting in the hanger anyway.”

“Mm, maybe not every weekend.”

“Aw… senpai, I thought you’d want to see me!”

“I do! Just… you know what I mean.”

Marius chuckles, throwing his free arm over his eyes, reveling in the temporary darkness. A strange, hot tightness gathers at the back of his throat as he sighs. He feels the tickle of words on his tongue — and what is it about the nighttime that makes it so much easier to say the things he might never have the courage to in daylight?

“Senpai… if I asked you to stay… what would you say?”

“Hm?”

“If I — I mean… if I told you, right now, that… that I didn’t want you to go…”

You hum as if contemplating his question. Marius squeezes his eyes shut.

“I’d tell you you were being a spoiled brat and very selfish,” you say, but there’s a lightness to your tone that makes Marius smile.

“Well… I’ll never escape allegations of either of those things,” Marius replies.

“And then, I’d tell you that you’re being stupid because — why ask me to stay, when you can just come with me?”

Marius sits up, “Ha?”

“I’ve seen your art, Marius. You’re brilliant. You’d be the first to get in, even without being the next CEO of Pax.”

Marius stares at his own hand, now lying limply in his lap. He’d never considered entering the program himself — it’d be a huge conflict of interest. But… if he didn’t apply as himself then…

“Aren’t you being a little selfish too, senpai? Asking a guy to move across the entire world with you.”

“I never said I wasn’t.”

Marius drags his hand down his face, feeling his heart thudding right beneath this throat, a strong, startling hoofbeat that thrums through him. It beats behind his ears, rushes blood to his fingertips. He squeezes at the bridge of his nose, a recklessness filling him like helium to a balloon and suddenly, he’s weightless as he lets himself fall back onto this too-big mattress.

Later, long after he’s hung up the phone, your voice still echoing in the recesses of his half-asleep mind. He smiles to himself, pressing a palm to his chest to feel the rhythmic, certain beating of his own heart.

That, he thinks, is the girl I’m going to marry someday.

007. want and need (redux)

Years later, long after he kisses you for the first time at the airport in Florence, when you’d come to meet him for his first year in the young artists program, Marius flies you back under the guise of an anniversary trip.

You have a feeling you know what he’s going to do, and he knows you well enough to know that you do too.

Still, when he gets down on one knee, your eyes are gleaming with unshed tears.

“Remember when you told me you didn’t want anything from me the first time we met?” he asks, grinning up at you, a velvet box in the palm of his hands.

“Well… I can’t the same because… the truth is, ever since that first meeting in the library I’ve wanted so many things from you — I wanted to hear you laugh, to watch you when you designed your clothes, to listen to your voice every night on the phone till I fell asleep…”

There are flowers everywhere, and the sunlight is magnificent on Marius’s white tux. He looks like a prince stepped right out of the pages of all your favorite fairy tales; he looks like a daydream. You briefly wonder if this is a dream, but Marius charges on, and amongst all the tittering guests that surround you in the gallery, you’re the only one who notices the slight tremor in Marius’s voice, way his breath is just a tad more shallow than it usually is.

You reach down to pull him up, and you shake your head.

“Y’know, I lied to you — that first time, when I told you I didn’t want anything.” Your voice is scratchy from the tears, but Marius grins.

“Oh? Then… you did want something from me?”

You press your hand to his chest, the steady beat of his heart thudding beneath your palm.

“Yeah. I wanted… this.”

It’s a horrible, cheesy line, but all things considered, you think it feels right.

Marius laughs, leaning forward to press his forehead to yours, cupping your cheeks.

His smile is radiance itself.

“Good… because I want this too,” and he reaches down to open the lid of the tiny velvet box. You barely notice the ring for the feel of it as he slips it around your finger.

“But… I want so much more than that too — I want your everything — your body, your mind, your soul, your life — I want you to spend it with me, because even though you never wanted anything from me… all I’ve ever wanted to do was give my everything to you.”

You swallow, wiping at your eyes with an exasperated laugh.

“Dummy, you’ve always had it,” you hiccup as Marius tips your chin up with a finger, his eyes going soft as he looks over the planes and contours of your face — ever an artist, his gaze always both hungry and admiring. As if he could never get enough, but that won’t ever stop him from trying — from wanting.

“I’ve always been yours,” you say, and time itself is caught in the negative space between your lips.

Marius nods, reaching down to thumb at the solidness of the ring now circling your finger.

“Then… that’s the only thing I’ll ever want or need.”

110 notes · View notes

mayullla · 1 year

Note

Hi!! I really love your blog and writing. Can i request ☘️, 🦋 Dottore (platonic yandere) Thank you!

Title: Child's Confusion

Character(s): Il Dottore (Genshin Impact)

Summary: A sickly child you lived in Dottore's lab not knowing the secrets hidden within the place and with the doctor himself.

Warnings/tags: Platonic yandere, Fem!reader (child!reader, sick!reader), yandere, possessive, manipulation, experimentation, physical torture(?), emotional torture(?)

Note: Dottore is a warning all by himself....

[ - A little present~! Event - Closed - ]

In your young mind, you never really understood this man who had taken you in. 'Interesting' he finds you when you were alone in the dark with no place to go back to when he found you, having heard that you have this unknown illness that no doctor could cure. Alone by yourself, you reached out to him, taking his hand.

You lived in the trapped in the lab building after that...

You watch his face for reactions, any tells that told you what his mood was. Sometimes, it was how the doctor frowns every single minute... second... sometimes how he smiles always.

Sometimes he was a bit kinder to you, sometimes not really...

Sometimes, he was more forgiving. Sometimes, he was not. You didn't understand when he told you to head to the laboratory tomorrow night yesterday... and then this morning, he told you to go to another lab tonight. You were confused. You didn't know what to do because no matter what you did, you have broken a promise... an order...

You covered your arms, shielding them from the world, covering your stomach and curling your toes as you looked at the floor scared. This Dottore was scarier and crueler in your eyes. He took your hand before you could even whisper a word, pulling it roughly as he took you to a lab that was not where he told you to go.

Your own cries were painful to your ears, a ringing, and the knife's reflection made you freeze in fear. He never spoke a single comforting word, not once. Sometimes he did, maybe when he was in the mood, sometimes your sniffles would be met with sighs and words that called you pathetic, sometimes nothing at all. Today through you had to listen to it tell you that you should be grateful that he took you in and that you shouldn't continue to disobey his orders like this.

Your arm held by his was sore in pain. The man had found you as you were heading to another lab that you have been told by him to go to. His mumbles you could hear clearly so sensitive to his voice and emotions.

“Where are you going? I told you to go to the lab 1034. What are you doing on the opposite side of the building.” His voice was threatening to you, annoyed and frustrated that you disobeyed his orders. His hold on your arm was tight. His legs were too long, and you forced yourself to run unless you wanted to trip and fall and cause even more anger.

The injections were painful, your eyes in tears, as you let the man inject you with what he told you was potentially medicine that could heal you. You didn't want this, this pain. It was too painful as you tugged in your restraints. But he didn't let you go, his words hostile and demeaning he continued to watch and look for side effects from the medicine that he created for you. You felt nothing but a fish struggling to live in dry land under her gaze.

You were scared of the stare of the mask, but it was better than his real eyes. Red and glowing as they stared at you, a monster. You knew yet at the same time didn't understand that he was trying to save you when all he gave you was pain. His personality kept on changing, and so was his kindness. But you didn't know... you would probably never know.

He was a monster that grew attached to you. He had become used to your small little self always being somewhere near him. The small light pats on the floor caused by your feet as you were allowed to explore the building but never outside or certain areas unless you were accompanied by a fatui or his permission. There was this one time when you went out and stayed outside for hours lost as no one was keeping you in check, only for him to find you shivering in a corner of the woods, hands cold. You weren't allowed out as often anymore.

The first time he meet you he was interested in this new sickness you had that no doctor was able to figure out, it was his first time too but while most gave up he offered you a deal, that it might be painful, that he does even know if you would heal, but he would try yet. He would take all the knowledge in helping you and turn it into another weapon, he didn't care for your life.

Yet when did he start to...

But in the end, he was still a monster, and that was something that would not change.

That his affection and care would look nothing but a cruel entertainment to your pain and sorrow. As he removed the tears from your eyes, the experiment finished for the day he watched the way you flinched. Your eyes shined with tears so obviously with fear and pain in them. He didn't react. Instead, he left you in the room alone. Huffing annoyance as stating that he had much to do.

Truly how funny was it that it was not just one monster that so craved your being that right after another monster would find you with a smile on his face as he asked you why you were not in the room that he told you to be instead here… leaving your mind confused even when you were in so much pain.

“Why are you crying, dear?” You looked up from the floor, eyes widening when you saw Dottore again looking down at you with a smile on his face. You looked at the door and then at him, wondering why he came back when he was busy. You flinched when he raised his hand. Never once did he ever hit you ever since your stay here, yet the experiments he had done left fear in your heart.

Yet instead of the pain you were expecting, your head was touched lightly, ruffling your hair as if comforting you. “It seems that one segment found you first and left you soon after. Are you still in pain?” You looked at him confused at his words, but he made no actions to explain as he gently took you in his arms and carried you away from the lab. “There, there, don't cry, girl. You did a good job handling the pain. Rest now, let's get you something to eat in your room, and then rest.” the doctor told you, looking at you.

You looked at him confused. Why was he being nice to you all of a sudden? His personality shifting again and again was just so confusing to you that you were always on edge. But you nodded quietly. “Doctor, when will I ever get well?” You asked, voice raspy from all your cries, quiet like a whisper as you wonder about your future.

Dottore paused. His steps stopped for a moment before continuing to walk. “You will get well soon, child. After all, I have promised you that I would do my utmost to cure you. It just takes a little more patience.” Dottore didn't look at you but instead in front of him, but to be honest, you weren't too sure when he wore that mask that covered his eyes.

You looked at him, almost doubtfully, yet soon after, there was a small spark of determination and hope in your eyes as well as peace, a belief that he would save you. It was laughable truly.

It wasn't a lie that he wanted to cure you, not only because he cared for this small life that didn't know anything about this world. He was far from this caring man rather than a monster after all but also because he was curious about your sickness... But he wasn't sure what will come after it, he wasn't so sure he would let you go after you have pulled all his heartstrings that he thought he never had and the other segments.

You weren't necessarily special, nothing unique other than your illness. He wasn't even sure why he was like this in the first place, yet here he was.

He will keep you here a little longer after he finally finds a cure but if you were to ever insist that you wished to leave, then don't be surprised when you fall into another illness. Your life was in his hands it was just that you didn't know the extent of it.

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linkspooky · 3 months

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"And we don't have the luxury of thinking of ourselves. We just got to save people. So start by saving me, Itadori!" This actually shows Megumi has somewhat of an agency as a sorcerer. Ater all he vowed to get stronger after Yuji's apparnet death. He doesn't think of giving up being a sorcerer to be a kid. Now, Megumi's rejecting Yuji's help, the very same thing Yuji did to him. Plus, refusing to even try to 'wake up' means the death of other characters (Gojo, Higurum probably more others soon) will be for nothing... because Megumi's being selfish by giving up in the eleventh hour. That's why the fans are all mad at him."

Hello, friend I thought I'd use your post as a jumping off point to continue our discussion. I'm not necessarily trying to argue with you, just further explain my point and why Gege made the story choices that he did.

So one of the reasons I chose Killua as my comparison to Megumi, besides the obvious inspiration Mgumi takes from Killua's arc, is that despite the fact that Killua has many of the same character flaws and setbacks as Megumi he's much more well-received in western fandom spaces.

Killua also has a pretty straightforward arc, he still has character flaws, he idolizes Gon way too much and that makes him incapable of calling out Gon's flaws, or getting Gon to listen to him in his worst moment during the Neferpitou fight where Gon gives up everything to destroy Pitou pointlessly. However, even in those moments where Killua is failing Killua is still portrayed incredibly sympathetically. The audience reaction when Killua is failing is vastly different to when Megumi fails. When Killua is at his lowest point in chapter 241, there's no "get back up loser" it's "awe Killua."

That's because again Killua's arc is so clearly telegraphed. When Killua is at his lowest point, you in the audience understand that he is there and why he can't get up instead of yelling at him in frustration. At his lowest point he's still presented as being selfless towards Gon and chiding himself for not being of use to Gon, he's not giving up because he's too weak to keep going like Megumi is.

Killua on the whole is a lot more likable than Megumi too, but I think this stems from the fact that the narrative of Hunter x Hunter paints him in a better light, he has a mostly positive character arc where he learns to stand on his own two feet and forms a healthy relationship with both Gon and his sister - whereas Megumi has a negative / corruption arc which goes in the opposite direction of Killua's.

However, I would argue because Megumi is painted as more selfish, and allowed to be more unlikable that he is better written in Killua because there's an element of ambiguity that's not there in Killua's arc.

Megumi reaches his lowest point where he can't move similiar to Killua, but instead of spending his last moments thinking about how much he wanted to be of use to Gon, instead he's begging for death and drowning in his own self-pity not even looking up to see Yuji right there in front of him trying to save him.

You're right that he comes off as selfish, and a lot less likable to the audience and rightfully so. I feel like we're supposed to be frustrated at Megumi here for not seeing how much effort everyone is putting into saving him.

However, sometimes characters are unlikable on purpose!

Sometimes character writing and what a characters actions means for their story and themes is more important than whether or not the audience finds that character likable. Sometimes a writer might even have the character make an unpopular choice that the audience will disagree with, in order to make the audience angry and frustrated with them on purpose. After all, you yourself are saying you're worried about all of your other favorite characters getting harmed now that Megumi doesn't want to be saved - that creates tension in the scene. The scene is more complicated now and there's more at risk, because now things aren't as easy as Yuji reaching out and saving Megumi.

Gege is also using a tactic called delayed gratification here. Delayed or deferred gratification is the resistance to the temptation of immediate pleasure in the hope of obtaining a valuable and long-lasting reward in the long term.

Instant gratification would be Yuji's first attempt at reaching out to Megumi working, Megumi reaching out his hand, Sukuna being defeated, Megumi and Yuji hugging and everyone going home happy.

Of course, then the story would be over as well.

By delaying gratification and not giving the audience what they want right away, the effect when Megumi is finally saved, or in my opinion, what should happen when he decides to save himself will be even greater.

As I was trying to illustrate above Megumi's arc is in my opinion better than Killua's, because it doesn't follow a handy dandy roadmap on where Gege is going to go with his character. Things aren't as clear cut and there's an element of ambiguity. Ambiguity in this context meaning what the author wants, Megumi's thoughts and his wants / trauma, and where Megumi's arc is going are not as clear cut.

Gege cited Nasu's writing as a major inspiration on his because they skip explanations and instead let the audience try to explain things and put the pieces together for themselves.

I think when writing gets really good, we reach a point where "What's written is just as important as what's not written." That doesn't really make a lot of sense so let me explain it. Good writing does not spell out everything for the audience, but instead relies on audience inference to fill in the blanks, because then the reader becomes an active participant in writing the story and has to draw their own conlclusions instead of remaining a passive reader.

Megumi never thinks out loud that he didn't want to be a sorcerer and that he wanted to be a kid like Killua did, but there are things in story that implies Megumi thinks that way. The way he thinks he can never live up to Gojo's level or reach Gojo's heights. The way he doesn't even seem to want to. The way that personal connections like his connection to Yuji and Tsumiki is way more important to him then his duty as a sorcerer.

The way that Megumi doesn't ever seem to believe that he's as capable as being strong of as Gojo, and doesn't even seem to want to try either. This passive resistance Megumi shows to becoming what Gojo wants him to be, is basically the only way he ever grasps for agency.

Megumi is kind of like a really lazy smart kid, who never turns in his homework but manages to pass classes anyway because he's good at taking tests. He's so naturally talented that unlike characters like Yuji who are newcomers who have to give it their all - Megumi can just coast on being born with an extremely strong technique and not having to put the effort in for most of the story.

Megumi's choice to coast though is like I said - passive resistance. Megumi never says out loud that he doesn't want to be a sorcerer, but we can analyze from his behavior, his constant habit of half-assing things that maybe there's a reason he can't put his all into being a sorcerer. I mean someone on reddit put this entire collage together on how unmotivated Megumi is to put the work in to develop his talents.

The question is why in the manga where everyone is trying to be stronger, does Megumi keep half-assing things and not put his full effort in, why doesn't he seem to enjoy getting stronger the way say, Maki, and Yuji does. The answer isn't directly given to us, but all the way back in the third chapter Yaga says that sorcerers can't use other people as their reasons for being a sorcerer. It's an incredibly deadly and terrible job and if you don't know your own reason for why you want to be a sorcerer, you won't perform as well and you'll begin to doubt yourself.

Yet, here's Megumi doing that exact same thing that Yaga warned about. Megumi didn't become a sorcerer because he wanted to or for his own reasons. He was groomed into being a sorcerer by Gojo, his options were 1) starve, 2) go to the zen'in and be a sorcerer anyway and your sister will most likely be abused 3) be a sorcerer under Gojo but Gojo will leave your sister alone.

Megumi convinced himself that he wanted to become a sorcerer for Tsumiki's sake, that he was sacrificing himself so Tsumiki could at least continue to live a normal life but he's not even able to protect Tsumiki. When she becomes cursed, he's robbed of his entire reason for becoming a sorcerer under Gojo in the first place, but he has to just keep going on the vain hope that Tsumiki will wake up one day. Perhaps that's the reason that Megumi immediately grew so close to Yuji too, because Yuji reminded him of Tsumiki, but while he failed to save Tsumiki Yuji was still around and someone he could actively want to save.

Megumi doesn't want to be a sorcerer, but he has to be one and so in order to convince himself that he wants to do his job he tells himself he's doing it for the sake of Yuji, or Tsumiki. If he thinks that his sacrifice is somehow helping the people he loves either directly or indirectly then he can keep going.

That small amount of selfishness is the only agency he's able to reclaim for himself, that he's not sacrificing himself for the greater good or trying to save everyone like Yuji is, he's only trying to save a small group of people so he doesn't have to exert himself too much.

However, even that is basically just lipservice to being selfish, because in the end Megumi doesn't really benefit from his own actions. He does everything he does for other people. Even if it's for his own selfish reasons - to give him a motivation to keep going in this really shitty job of being a sorcerer he was forced into, even if he's using other people as an excuse to keep doing his job he's still not really a selfish person. He's not allowed to be selfish because he's not allowed to think for himself or make decisions for himself b/c he's been so thoroughly undermined by Gojo's grooming of him.

This is the paradox that is Megumi Fushiguro. He is presented to us as a very selfish character, especially in contrast to the all-loving hero Yuji, he's much more childish, prone to angst and failure and yet Megumi isn't really that selfish. Because true selfishness requires agency and the decision to decide for one's self and Megumi doesn't have that.

Sometimes, characters will make selfish and unlikable decisions in order to serve a greater story purpose even if the audience doesn't approve of them.

Megumi's character is better written than say Killua's, or even other characters in Jujutsu Kaisen because as a complex abuse victim he struggles internally with his issues, and growing past them instead of immediately getting back up on his feet to do the right thing. It's really easy to sympathize with Killua not wanting to be a murderer, because that's easy to understand. When Killua goes he wants to make friends not be an assassin the audience is immediately on his side. When Megumi doesn't want to be a sorcerer, a job that everyone else in the manga including characters like Yuji and Maki are fine with being and don't question whether or not they want to be sorcerers or get stronger then he looks selfish and weak-willed in comparison.

Megumi's internal struggles to form his own identity and grasp at agency are probably the most complex and best written character work because it's not immediately gratifying. Megumi's arc is not a straightforward arc, things have to get worse for him before they get better.

It's like in season 3 of avatar with Zuko. Zuko looked ready to change sides with team avatar at the end of season 2, but he regresses and sides with Azula instead when he thinks he's getting everything he wanted on a silver plate. It might seem more frustrating to not get what the audience wants, Zuko joining team avatar right away, but by delaying that immediate gratification the payoff for when Zuko does join team avatar is greater. Sometimes it's better to be less straightforward, because then characters feel like people with internal struggles and not pieces you are moving down a pre-determined path.

Let me compare Megumi to a character in story who's arc is pretty universally beloved, but I will argue is less complex than his. You could say for Megumi, well Maki's sister died and not only did she get over it she used that death to climb to even greater heights and she's now one of the most powerful characters in the manga.

This seems to be what readers want for Megumi, for him to get over Tsumiki's death and then live up to the potential that he's been foreshadowed to have. If the audience had their way, the same way that Maki was destined to become the next Toji, Megumi would step up right away after Tsumiki's death, become the next Gojo and become as powerful as Maki.

However, here's my question do we as readers really feel Maki's mourning for Mai? I mean if you were a fan of Mai you probably feel sad at her death because she was a character that you liked, but does the narrative ever take the space to have Maki struggle to come to terms with the loss of Mai?

No, because Maki pretty much immediately gets a power up afterwards. We don't really feel Maki's loss for Mai, because we get that immediate gratifaction. Maki never lays on the ground and wallows, she never gives up, in fact we get some pretty immediate catharsis too because Maki goes on to murder all of Mai's killers.

Mai's death doesn't seem like the tragic event that it is, because it's not played as a tragedy, but as Maki coming into her own power. There's nothing wrong with this I suppose, but it's less emotionally complex because we take no time for Maki to internally deal with the loss of Mai, to feel that loss. Tsumiki is way less of a character than Mai, but her death is an unequivocal tragedy because nothing good comes out of it, Megumi doesn't get to avenge Tsumiki's death, it's only a tragedy, it's only suffering.

If you're satisfied with Maki's arc that's fine, but like I said it's a lot like Killua's in that it's very clearly signposted where we are going. It's narratively convenient. Like, when Maki is at her lowest point, a sumo guy shows up out of nowhere to give the exact words to encourage her and lead her character to the conclusions she's supposed to draw.

Megumi and Maki are both victims of abuse but Megumi's allowed to be a lot more unlikable, he's allowed to stumble, to do things the audience wouldn't approve of. He's not shown to be more virtuous than his abusers, to rise up and get revenge against his abusers, he doesn't immediately free himself through the power of his hard work and determination alone.

In fact compared to Maki Megumi's kind of just a loser.

Yet, sometimes the road less traveled is the better one. Megumi doesn't follow the paint by numbers abused child overcomes their abuser and finds their own strength / freedom / agency arc and because of that he doesn't come off as a character with a character arc, but rather a child struggling to grow up properly in a world where he has no positive adult figures to help grow and nurture him. Just like a child Megumi has no idea how to be an adult, and unlike Maki there's no path to adulthood clearly laid out for him.

In fact when he does try to take steps or reclaim his agency for himself, someone usually appears either Gojo or Sukuna to rob him away of his agency and further sabotage him. Megumi's arc has a pretty clear pattern of one step forward, two steps back. Megumi bonds with Yuji, Yuji dies. Megumi promises to get stronger for Yuji after his death, Yujhi turns out to be alive and also he finds out that his decision to save Yuji after Yuji ate the finger led to fingers all around the world awakening more people dying. Megumi decides to keep this fact from Yuji to spare his feelings creating a wall between him and Yuji.

Megumi creates his domain for the first time, but then in Shibuya he's put into a corner by his father stabbing him and takes two steps back using Mahoraga as a suicide move again another curse user. When he does that too, he thinks about how he'll never be as strong as Gojo wants to be five seconds before calling Mahoraga.

Megumi comes out of the culling games with a plan to save Tsumiki, manages to defeat one sorcerer using his domain expansion and pushing his limits again like he did in the death painting arc, only for Tsumiki to turn out to be possessed and Sukuna to take his body.

One step forward, two steps back.

However, the complexity from Megumi's character comes from this fact, the fact he doesn't just walk down the path the audience wants him to, he doesn't simply do what Gojo laid out for him to make him the next Satoru Gojo. He doesn't find meaning or reason in being a sorcerer, he doesn't get stronger as a sorcerer because he doesn't want to be there.

There's no convenience there, no one pops up with an inspirational speech the moment that Megumi needs it to keep going instead it's the opposite the narrative keeps robbing Megumi of his agency agian and again, pulling the rug out from under him when it looks like he's gotten the strength to stand out on his own two feet and Megumi has to keep going. The narrative rewards Maki and gives her what she wants her arc is basically over, whereas it punishes and denies Megumi at every turn. Maki's arc isn't bad but it is basically already over and it's a lot simpler and more straightforward than Megumi's.

Megumi is also called on to do a lot more than Maki is, because Megumi's issues can't really be solved with a power-up. This quote "let fate toy with you before you die like a fool" is probably one of the most important quotes when speaking about Megumi, because Megumi really is the fool in the fool's journey.

The Fool's Journey is a metaphor for the journey through life. Each major arcana card stands for a stage on that journey - an experience that a person must incorporate to realize his wholeness. These 22 descriptions are based on the keywords for each major arcana card. The keywords are highlighted in the text. A card's number is in parentheses.

The Fool's Journey is different from the Hero's Journey, because the Hero's Journey is the standard narrative for how a character rises up to become a hero, whereas the fool's journey is how a person goes from being an innocent but empty child a fool, a zero, into being a whole, and well rounded person. In Tarot the Fool (0) is basically a newborn, with no identity, no opinions, an empty vessel.

We begin with the Fool (0), a card of beginnings. The Fool stands for each of us as we begin our journey of life. He is a fool because only a simple soul has the innocent faith to undertake such a journey with all its hazards and pain. At the start of his trip, the Fool is a newborn - fresh, open and spontaneous. The figure on Card 0 has his arms flung wide, and his head held high. He is ready to embrace whatever comes his way, but he is also oblivious to the cliff edge he is about to cross. The Fool is unaware of the hardships he will face as he ventures out to learn the lessons of the world. The Fool stands somewhat outside the rest of the major arcana. Zero is an unusual number. It rests in the exact middle of the number system - poised between the positive and negative. At birth, the Fool is set in the middle of his own individual universe. He is strangely empty (as is zero), but imbued with a desire to go forth and learn. This undertaking would seem to be folly, but is it?

Megumi is the most underdeveloped and childish character in the series. He is as people have constantly referred to him, immature and selfish. He doesn't see things for the greater good, because he's ego-centric like a child and can only see what's around him.

What Megumi needs to do is to become a whole person, to develop an entire identity on his own, that's not dependent on Yuji or Tsumiki. He needs to be able to stand on his own two feet.

Now, how does Megumi go about doing that while he's also asked to be a sorcerer, people who aren't allowed to be selfish, who are asked to be identity-less cogs who exorcise curses for the greater good.

Megumi's arc is a lot harder, and a lot more difficult because it's not resolved by him getting a power up. That wouldn't fix his central issue because the problem isn't that Megumi's weak, it's that he's weak willed and doesn't think for himself.

Megumi can't become the next Gojo or the next Toji, he has to become himself.

Yet, Megumi and the audience at large don't know exactly what that means yet. That ambiguity, will Megumi be able to save himself, how exactly will Megumi save himself if he's not taking the hands that Yuji offers him. How exactly will he find the will to live with Tsumiki gone, and with no reason besides himself to keep on moving? It's that ambiguity that makes his arc more compelling.

Also, if Megumi were to resolve his arc by just getting a power up that kind of just means that Gojo was right all along. Like I hate to borrow from Homestuck of all things but this quote heavily applies to megumi and the way he was raised by Gojo.

So in the context the character Dave was raised from childhood by his brother to go through some super ultra ninja training, where he was basically forced to spare with his brother with swords every single day and put through the ringer with training, and that training didn't make him stronger it just made him afraid to fight. Dave can't see himself as strong or as a hero, because he's number one constantly feeling inferior to his brother who has like destroyed his entire childhood and number two because he didn't have a childhood he has no solid basis to build his sense fo self around. There's no strong foundation for Dave because he was robbed of the childhood years that help us form our identity. He never formed an identity, the only thing he could do was try to passively resist what his brother wanted him to be. That's not really forming an identity though, that's saying "I don't want to be that." Dave in his arc is continually reluctant to be a hero, and to go through the steps of a straightforward hbero's journey, because he doesn't want to be like a hero, because his brother was a cool brave heroic hero and his brother abused him.

Dave's character shines in his reluctancy to be a hero, because if he just sucked up all of that abuse and then decided to be a hero anyway then wouldn't that just prove that his brother was right? That his brother was right to put him through all that abuse because look it made him stronger in the end.

Gojo took Megumi's childhood away from him with the intention of turning him into a stronger sorcerer, but it had the opposite effect. It didn't make him stronger or into another Gojo Satoru, it made him not want to become a sorcerer, it made him weak willed and made him cowardly and made him want to run away from danger and made him unable to believe himself to be strong enough to win.

Even Maki's arc doesn't ever suggest her abusers were right. If anything it's the opposite, Maki wanted to be a sorcerer, she would have willingly become one but her family sabotaged her at every chance and denied her the opportunity to become one - only to show that Maki was right all along that she had more potential than anyone else in the family and her family should have given her that chance. That if from the beginning the Zen'in accepted and raised Maki then the tragedy at the end of her arc could have been averted. The child who is not embraced by the village will burn it down to feel it's warmth... etc, etc.

So Maki's arc may be way more straightforward than Megumi's, but her arc doesn't suggest that her abusers were right to put her through what they did. However, Megumi just being told to suck up all his abuse and get stronger would be doing just that, because it would mean Gojo was right all along to do what he did, Gojo stealing Megumi's childhood would be right because look how much stronger it makes him.

However, Gojo's actions didn't make Megumi stronger, it made him the opposite, it made him never want to fight, or see blood, or be near danger. It made him passive and cowardly and selfish rather than active and brave and selfless.

Sometimes a writer may have a character make an unpopular choice in service of the story and themes.

You're not wrong friend for pointing out that Megumi comes off like a hypocrite for giving up, when he called Yuji selfish for giving up on his own before the beginning of the culling games. If anything it's worse, because Megumi has chosen to give up at the moment when everyone is basically making a group effort and risking their lives to help him instead of going for the more tactically solid strategy of killing Megumi alongsde Sukuna. Megumi is not respecting the feelings of those who wish to save him, nor is he thinking about how much the others are risking their lives just for the chance to save him.

However, this intentional parallel of Megumi being able to reach Yuji at his lowest point when he wants to give up, and Yuji not being able to reach Megumi illustrates the difference between their characters.

Yuji became a sorcerer by choice. His ideal of wanting to help people is something he chose for himself, and apparently according to Sukuna he believes down to his very bones which is why it's something he'll never waver from. Yuji is the outsider who became a sorcerer by choice, he wants to be in this world - even if it wasn't a total choice like he chose to eat the finger but he didn't think of the ramifications and afterwards his choice was like "die now, or die after eating 21 more fingers." Yuji still views it as his choice though.

Megumi on the other hand never had a choice. All of his justifications and reasons and "I selfishly choose who to save" those are all lipservice, ex posto factor justifications, lies Megumi tells himself to cope with the fact that this life as a sorcerer was forced upon him.

That's why Megumi doesn't have the unshakable determination to get back up at his lowest point that Yuji had, because Yuji at the end of the day is kind of like the embodiment of the ideal sorcerer the way Nanami is, he's decided to give his life to be a sorcerer and live up to what sorcerers should be so he can make the world a slightly better place and then pass the torch to the next sorcerer.

Yuji chose that for himself, and for better or worse he keeps making that choice over and over again. He's resolved to live and die as an ideal sorcerer, and carry on the burden that Nanami left for him.

If Yuji's arc is to figure out what kind of sorcerer he wants to be and then be that person to the very end, then Megumi's arc is the opposite. It's to find out who he is outside of being a sorcerer, because being a sorcerer wasn't his choice it was something that was imposed upon him. That's what Killua's arc is too, Killua's arc is not him learning to live up to his full potential as an assassin because that would once again validate his family's abuse of him. No Killua can't grow up into what his family wants him to be, he has to figure out for himself what he wants, and try to grow into that person.

However, Megumi has that added layer of difficulty in that Megumi doesn't get to use "I want to grow strong enough to protect my sister" as an answer the way Killua did. Megumi unlike Killua gets the crutch ripped out from underneath him. He's not allowed to live for Tsumiki anymore, because Tsumiki is gone.

Now Megumi has to find a way to keep living for himself without Tsumiki, and show that life is worth living even if you lose your loved ones or he sinks. Which as I said again is harder and more complex o Megumi because he doesn't get the simple answer "I want to grow strong to protect my sister" he's called to do more than that and stand entirely on his own.

Finally, Megumi not immediately taking Yuji's hand when it's offered to him adds complexity to the story in another way.

Again we are asking the question, is it possible to save someone who does not want to be saved? It's repeating the same conflict in the past between Gojo and Geto now with Yuji and Megumi. Can Yuji really do anything to save Megumi if Megumi himself has decided to give up and that he's beyond salvation. If Megumi does not want to be saved then what does Yuji's attemps to reach out his hand amount to?

One last thing is I think Yuji's attempts to save Megumi were always going to fail, because as it's already been stated above by Gojo you can't save those who aren't willing to be saved.

In broader story terms though, if Megumi's arc is about reclaiming his own agency then how is getting saved by Yuji a proper end to this arc? Megumi being rescued like a passive damsel is not giving his character any agency, if anything it's robbing him of agency because it's reducing him to a victim to be saved by Yuji.

This is why I bring up delayed gratification, because if Megumi was saved here then his arc would be over and it would also be brought to a pretty unsatisfying conclusion. There would be no real moment where he learned to stand up for himself, he didn't find the meaning in living past the death of his loved ones for himself someone.

Not only is Megumi not letting Yuji save him, but story-wise it's kind of impossible for Yuji to save him because what Megumi needs narratively to complete his arc isn't to be saved.

What Megumi needs is to save himself. So no matter what Yuji did, no matter what heroic speech he gave, no matter what lengtsh Yuji went to to free Megumi's soul for Sukuna it would not have worked anyway, because that's not what Megumi needs.

Megumi needs to become himself. Megumi needs to save himself.

The fact that Megumi doesn't want to be saved, that he doesn't want to keep living, is the struggle he's going to have to overcome in order to achieve these things in the end.

And it will be much more gratifying when he does save himself, because the manga didn't go the easy route and just have Yuji save Megumi.

#jjk meta #hxh meta #megumi fushiguro #killua zoldyck #itadori yuji #gojo satoru #sukuna ryomen

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championofravens · 11 months

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Skip to Loafer and Transgender Role Models: A Brief Analysis

To any who watch or read Skip to Loafer, Nao-chan is a presence you immediately can not ignore. The protagonist’s aunt, she is the primary adult we interact with in the series and one of the main characters of the supporting cast. Our first introduction to Nao-chan does not immediately reveal her transgender status- we are instead introduced to her as a kind, nurturing, caring and protective adult in Mitsumi’s life. We learn later about her being trans through negative whispers from strangers and immediately the tone is set: instead of having Nao-chan hear the gossip on the train, she is instead immediately given a small gesture of love and support from our protagonist Mitsumi. It is a simple but deliberate scene and seems to offer a quiet promise that Nao-chan is as deserving as happiness as anyone else in the cast, an overarching theme that becomes more and more powerful for many characters over the course of the story.

I specifically want to talk about Episode X from the anime and a few scenes from it. For anyone who hasn’t watched it, I will summarize as best I can: Mitsumi asks permission from Nao-chan to invite her school friends over for a slumber party and she happily agrees. However, she also says that she wishes to tell her friends she is biologically male “just in case”. No reason is directly stated why but many can easily spring to mind. We cut then to Nao-chan dressed in a more masculine style than normal, serving Mitsumi’s friends and being referred to with male honorifics. As Nao-chan leaves, however, our beloved supporting cast all pipe up to compliment Mitsumi’s stylish and kind aunt. We see Nao-chan listening from outside the door, joyfully tearing up.

Later, Nao-chan reappears in her typical feminine attire and makeup to the girls, informing them she’s stepping out. Mika ends up following Nao-chan out, the two having somewhat of a repertoire from earlier in the episode, and Mika confides in her reasons for leaving the slumber party early. Nao-chan immediately is able to relate to Mika’s anxieties and fears based on her own experience growing up, the viewer given a quick shot of her younger masculine self. Before letting her leave, Nao-chan offers advice and urges Mika to return to the slumber party, imparting an important lesson about embracing being genuine to yourself her (with some briefly hilarious word choices).

At this moment on our first watch, my husband turned to me and said “God, if only I heard that growing up.”

It can’t be overstated how shocking the amount of respect and affection Nao-chan gets in the story is. First, the story’s way of choosing to address her being transgender while keeping consistent with it’s happy and airy tone is done masterfully. Nao-chan makes a very realistic choice for her situation in wanting to present as male to Mitsumi’s friends and the narrative respects that. But it also doesn’t linger on the issue either by having Mitsumi’s friends immediately address it positively to the viewer. I think my favorite thing however is that the story lets Nao-chan hear the praise and kind words. We get to see a transgender woman in a moment of maximum gender euphoria. She is respected as a character and as her gender at all times, whether she is there in the moment or not.

Things are taken a step further in the next scene, going beyond simply supporting Nao-chan as a transgender character in the story but also as an adult role model too. In a time where radical rhetoric says transgender women can never understand the struggles of cis women, the story shows the exact opposite. Not only do a group of cis young women all think Nao-chan is beautiful and kind, they also see her as a safe person to confide in and a person who can relate to their feelings. Mika’s short time with Nao-chan earlier in the episode was of a more slapstick variety yet her honesty with Nao-chan feels organic when it happens. We can understand how the two would find common ground on their feelings, even if they lived completely different lives. In fact, it is implied that Nao-chan’s feelings are uniquely pulled from her experience growing up assigned male.

Part of this is contributed to the fact Nao-chan breaks the curse of transgender characters in much of anime by being surprisingly “sexless”. Not once is a perverted joke made at her expense or does she slip in a strangely blunt reference to her body. Part of this is thanks to the genre and overall tone of Skip to Loafer which is incredibly comfortable and chaste.

I was inspired to write this after realizing that there would be a chance that this character and this story’s handling of her might slip under the radar. Though she is not the focus of the story, she is present constantly within the narrative just as anyone else and her presence only enhances the experience. When I see the same examples being passed around of what qualifies for good trans rep in anime, it makes me burn to think she may not be included in these lists.

#long post #skip to loafer #skip and loafer

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crystalsenergy · 1 year

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Ascendant Persona Chart 🎭🖼 (planets and houses)

Ascendant Persona Chart

-> The Ascendant represents a very interesting part of us: the first development of our identity. Exactly because it is something primary, initial, sometimes it represents the initial impetus for something, as well as the way we show ourselves to others.

Keywords for the Ascendant: self-image, behaviors, "business card", that is, how you present yourself to others, your relationship with your body, self-esteem, temperament. Such matters can be understood in more depth through your Ascendant Persona Chart.

What I find interesting about studying the Ascendant in a deeper way is the possibility of seeing how people can initially see us! By the way, I have already noticed that many see others eternally from the perspective of the Ascendant, being unable to go beyond, seeing the others superficially. This even occurs because the person makes projections, forgetting to look at the depth of other. The opposite of the Ascendant is the Descendant: what I see in myself, I can project onto others all the time, especially if I don't know myself.

Very clear example. Someone who looks at a person with Taurus Rising and sees that image of stability, firmness and control. But the person can't see beyond. Looking at the Ascendant Persona Chart of the person with Taurus Rising we see a Mercury in Taurus in the 2nd house, for example. Those who see this person superficially can see her as someone cocky, stingy, who even has materialistic thoughts. But it all depends. Of course, depending on the person's actions, this may appear externally, but it is an example to remind us that the Ascendant is just the beginning. The beginning of the personality, the superficiality that matters, but that does not represent the whole.

Below I demonstrate the meanings of placements within this Persona chart.

✨📚🦋 Meanings ✨📚🦋

Sun: In Persona charts, the Sun will always represent the natal placement of that point expanded in the Persona chart. example: if a person has Ascendant in Aries at 29º 25'13" in natal chart, it means that she/he has Sun in Aries 29º 25'13" in the Ascendant Persona chart.

Ascendant (1st house): I see the Ascendant in the Ascendant Persona chart as the person's "second" Rising Sign, the other component layer of the onion that is the Ascendant. the Ascendant represents our impetus and it is put into practice together with the natal Ascendant.

Moon: the Moon in Ascendant Persona Chart is the vulnerable part that we try to hide but that comes to light. it is the sensitive part of us that people see the most, our "weaknesses" and most vulnerable points. it also demonstrates how we will be more sensitive to others.

Mercury: Mercury in the Ascendant Persona Chart is the intellectual part of the person that comes to the fore the most, what others see about your communication, what knowledge do you demonstrate at first, what thoughts people imagine you have.

Venus: Venus in the Ascendant Persona Chart represents what you show to others in the area of love: Do you appear affectionate? Do you look domineering? How do others see your way of behaving in relationships? Moreover, this placement demonstrates what you emanate to others as a need in love. Venus in the Ascendant Persona Chart also demonstrates your way of valuing and caring for yourself, your vanity, what is vanity to you. Example: a person who has Venus in Cancer in the Ascendant Persona Chart conveys the image of being very affectionate and affectionate in relationships, and has a way of seeing himself that he is also affectionate, or at least needs to go through this approach, because that's how comfortable her being is (considering her Ascendant is self-image).

Mars: Mars in the Ascendant Persona Chart represents the image conveyed in relation to your strength, energy: Do you appear as a person with calm or nervous energy? Patient or insistent? Understanding or stubborn? Peaceful or conflicted? Conforming or questioning? In addition, Mars placement demonstrates where you most appear to have energy, where people can see your strength. From another perspective, Mars also gives tips on where people need to be careful not to act excessively, which can impact their self-esteem or temperament.

Jupiter: Jupiter in Ascendant Persona chart represents where others see your energy of abundance, expansion, and even exaggeration. Where you seem optimistic, as well as what your values and philosophies are. Example: Jupiter in Aries in the 1st house on the Ascendant Persona Chart, energy of independence, assertiveness, striving to follow yourself and not others. This person's philosophy of life can be conveyed as: independence above all else. Others may see it negatively, depending on: a) the person's attitudes; b) the internal filters that each one has to interpret the others and their reality. Additionally, Jupiter in the Ascendant Persona Chart represents where we can find strength and optimism in our individuality and the strength of our self-worth. In addition, the Jupiterian excesses and abundances corresponding to the placement can affect self-esteem and temperament.

Saturn: In the Ascendant Persona chart, Saturn corresponds to the restrictive and closed part that you transmit to others. It can also represent the difficulties related to your self-esteem and identity, the subjects in which you felt blockage, fear, limits to develop your identity.

Uranus: Uranus in the Ascendant Persona chart represents how and in which area we will project an image of independence, of strength to innovate and create something new, unique and original. It could be the parts of ourselves that we deal with frequently questioning - issues related to our self-image.

Neptune: Neptune in the Ascendant Persona Chart marks where we convey the image of being creative, deep, empathetic, and/or adaptable. It can also represent a part where we are very elusive with ourselves, the part of our self-image to be dissolved in order to reach something totalized, inspiring. Example: Neptune in the 10th house in the Ascendant Persona chart can represent a person who has the need to overcome the barriers of what is concrete, traditional, to achieve a healthier self-image. also, part of this person's (self)image it is linked to his/her career, which needs to be experienced in a spiritual or at least an inspiring way.

Pluto: where you emanate power, control, depth, intensity. the subjects in which people see you as a domain and a mystery. It also represents the behaviors that can be destructive or inflexible of you with yourself and your identity and initial view of the world. It can also demonstrate the part of you where the patterns are most difficult to change in relation to Ascendant meanings.

Chiron: the wounds you have in relation to your self-esteem and self-image. where you will manifest the healer image. what opportunity do you have to present yourself as someone who heals.

North Node: the missions that need to be achieved for the person to find an even more mature manifestation of their Ascendant. they are the missions that involve the maturation of your primary identity and your self-esteem.

South Node: the part of your Ascendant that is most integrated into your being, the characteristics that you have very naturally and that come to others through your image. the characteristics that constitute your self-image and that you are most used to, that bring you comfort.

Houses ✨📚

2nd house: the sign placed here mentions how you embody self-worth in the way you live and express yourself.

3rd house: this house demonstrates the thought pattern that bases your behavior, temperament, self-image.

4th house: the sign placed here mentions the way your emotions are expressed to others, as well as the initial reaction you have to what occurs to you.

5th house: the placement of the 5th house in the Ascendant Persona Chart demonstrates where your Ascendant is happy expressing itself, things that help keep your inner child active, making the experience of your self-image healthier.

6th house: this placement can signify where you are most methodical and rational about your behaviors and temperament, how (and whether) you rationalize the image you will convey to others, how your self-esteem and concern for your body is experienced.

7th house (Descendant): very interesting placement in this type of chart! precisely because it is the Descendant, opposite to the Ascendant, it is interesting to look at this point more closely. the Descendant in the Ascendant Persona Chart means where we project ourselves, what parts of us are seen through our relationships, whether the parts we deny (shadow vs acceptance) or that we like (comfort zone vs affection for such traits). It also demonstrates the image we transmit in relation to the act of being together with someone, as well as the image transmitted about empathy and alterity. 7th house placement provides details of who you are in interpersonal relationships.

8th house: this placement brings the idea of where we can regenerate ourselves to have a healthier self-esteem, where we need or where we already have a deeper contact with our being in order to have a more authentic expression of identity. 8th house placement provides details of your initial reaction and conveyed image regarding taboos and deep issues.

9th house: placement that represents the traits of trust, understanding and deepening related to your Ascendant. It can represent a learning opportunity to further develop your self-esteem, your image. 9th house placement provides details of your initial reaction, your temperament and behavior towards faith.

10th house (Medium Coeli): this placement can highlight areas where your Ascendant will highlight, where public expression of your self-image can bring you growth and rewards. 10th house placement provides details of how your Ascendant behaves in work relationships, in outer life.

11th house: this placement contributes to the understanding of how our Ascendant behaves in social circles, with friendships. How do your friends see you, what image do you project when you're in a group?

12th house: this placement details how you react to immaterial things, how your Ascendant relates with deep emotions, and your temperament to the metaphysical and spiritual worlds. How do hidden but felt things impact your behavior with yourself and the image projected to others? Are you impacted by something and don't know? Or do you know and hide it, don't you face it?

#ascendant persona chart #rising sign persona chart #rising sign #ascendant #astrology #persona chart #persona charts

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