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thedeviltohisangel · 3 days

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All The Things I Did (9): It's Not Fair To Make Me Feel This Much

a/n: john and cass' first time :) and then the end got really real and angsty and if you've been in my DMs recently...the conversation at the end between these two is fucking FORESHADOWING. and that is all i will say. i hope you all enjoy this and i would love to chat about this chapter because there is a lot to discuss and i made some deliberate choices to include things and not include other things. love you all so so much

warnings: smut

When Mary saw Major Egan with a towel around his waist, Lieutenant Cooper in his arms in her own towel with her ankles locked at the small of his back, their lips locked together passionately and the pair banging into the wall on their way from the showers to Cass’ billet…well she couldn’t say she was surprised. The two of them were nothing if not predictably unpredictable. She blushed and looked away quickly as his towel fell ever so slightly before the door closed.

Cass landed softly on her feet but kept her lips on his and her hands on his cheeks. Her pace slowed a little bit as she settled into the intimacy. He looked her in the eyes as he deftly freed her from the towel.

“The way you look at me…” she whispered as his eyes raked up and down her body before they locked back onto her own with a lick of his lips. “...like you worship me. Like you want to ravish me.”

“Both would be very true.” They swayed together gently as she kissed the spot where his jaw met his throat, down the length of his neck and across his clavicle before reconnecting with his lips. Her fingers played with the damp hair at the nape of his neck as he pulled her flush against him. He enjoyed feeling of her chest rising and falling with his. The reminder that she was alive and with him. That they had made it back to each other. One down, however many more to go. “I thought about you the whole time I was flying.”

“Did it feel good to be back up there?” she hummed as her fingers teased the skin of his lower stomach. He nodded as he twitched under the towel, his kisses slow and sloppy as her hand wrapped around his length. Their tongues tangled together and he massaged her ass as her hand moved at a torturously slow pace. “Does it feel good to be back down here?”

“So good.” John cupped her cheeks and stroked her with his thumbs as his hips began to move with her. Her thumb circled the tip of his cock and collected the moisture there to aid in her slow and steady and slow and steady, up and down. Her other hand reached to undo his towel so she was graced with him and nothing in the way of her hungry eyes. He was thick and flushed and leaking with his desire for her. His desire to be inside her and feel her around him and relentlessly drive her to the edge over and over again.

Cass kept her eyes on his as she dropped to her knees, pecking his tip like it was his forehead before tracing it with her tongue. She smiled at him sweetly before flattening her tongue on the underside of his shaft and tracing that delicious vein that started at the root of him. He watched her in awe, mouth agape, as he stroked her hair out of her face.

“You like it when I do that, Johnny?” Her eyelashes fluttered against her cheeks as she closed her lips around him and took as much of him as she could, her cheeks hollowed as she released him with a pop.

“Do that again, baby.” He sighed as all the tension left her body with the feeling of her tongue and lips and the look in her eyes. “Just a little more, Cass.” His hips moved forward slightly as she took another inch with a moan. John would work her into taking him to the back of her throat. They had plenty of time.

“I’m not done,” she whined as he pulled himself from her mouth completely. Her lower lip pushed into a pout and she looked up at him with sadness. Cass readily accepted the finger that he pressed between her lips and sucked it just as well as she had his cock. It twitched as if to ask him why he wasn’t letting her continue.

“We have all the time in the world, Cass. Time to do anything and everything we want to.” If only he believed his own words.

He held her hands and pulled her up, collapsing back onto her bed and catching her as gravity brought her down with him. John smiled, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear and leaving his hand around her cheek.

“When I first saw that day when you arrived from Greenland, I thought I had you all figured out. I thought you were a hotshot pilot who joined up to get girls and chase down some sense of righteousness.” She licked her lips and thought about how she could cry with the way his heart was showing through his eyes. “I don’t like being wrong but I couldn’t be more at peace with the fact that I am when it comes to you. You are so gentle and intentional and care so deeply I feel it even when you’re not with me.”

“I never want to be anywhere else other than with you,” he admitted. She laughed once and kissed him, John smiling against her lips over her happiness. A welcome change from her despair a few hours ago.

“That’s what love is, right?” she asked as she laid down on her pillow and used his dog tags so he was hovering over her. “Do you believe in soulmates?” He kissed down her throat and in a straight line to the apex of her thighs.

“I do now,” he replied honestly. His tongue flicked against her and her thighs dropped open further in response. “Just making sure you’re nice and wet for me.” He wanted to taste her. Was vaguely addicted to the hit he had gotten a few nights ago. Was chasing that high ever since.

“It’s been awhile since I’ve…done this with anyone.” Cass had fooled around and experimented and given herself to a boy in the loft of her horse barn before she graduated finishing school. Had fought like hell to keep Landry from ever even seeing her naked.

“It’s okay, baby. I’ll make sure you’re nice and ready and then we are going to go at whatever pace feels the best for you.” His thumb teased her entrance. “Sound good?”

“Sounds perfect.” She flipped her hair off her neck so it was fanned out underneath her head as she settled in for whatever ecstasy that tongue of his was plotting against her. He slipped the digit passed her entrance and sighed at the tight, wet, warmth that pulsed around him. It was going to feel like heaven around his cock. “More.”

“Yeah?” He looked up at her and replaced his thumb with his middle and ring finger. She hummed.

“Better,” she whispered as she transferred her focus to the feelings he was stirring inside of her. “I fucking love your fingers. Your hands drive me-oh, fuck.” He did the trick she had liked earlier, the heel of his hand tapping her clit as he picked up the pace of his thrusting fingers.

“We haven’t even scratched the surface of the things my hands can do to you, Spook.” She moaned in response and her hips encouraged her forward to meet his thrusts equally to quicken the pace to her orgasm. “Open your eyes, baby, let me watch what I do to you.” It was a struggle but she managed to scrape together the control to look him in the eyes.

“Please, John, please. Make me cum, please.” After a few flicks of his wrist against the spot in the back of her pussy that reached all the way through her clit, the sheets of her bed were gripped between her fingers with white knuckles and her breath was replaced by moans. John watched with his own open mouth as her eyes rolled to the back of her head and her neck dropped back, leaving him the perfect view of the pert nipples of her breasts, and the silent writhing of her hips as they tried to escape his hand but he followed them closely.

“You think you’re ready for me, baby?” he asked as he offered his slick fingers to her lips. She tasted herself with a moan and a nod. John replaced his fingers with his tongue and Cass kissed him with a ferocity he could have only dreamed of. “Cass…do you have a…you got a…” He was struggling to get the word out as every time he pulled away to ask, she was pulling him back in for a kiss.

“Night stand. Top drawer.” She hadn’t packed any. Had only gotten them after her date at the pub with John. She had a feeling where the fire between them was headed. Cass had spent a night in town playing cards, enough to earn a whole pack of Lucky Strikes, then traded with one of the coffee girls for a stash of condoms.

She nipped at his throat as he deliriously reached in that direction and found the prize. He triumphantly ripped it open with his teeth and rolled the rubber down his length as quickly as he could find his bearings. For a moment, Cass felt a fleeting sense of panic. She thought of Landry and the way he had warped her mind into thinking sex was a tool for control and manipulation. Had made her believe there would never be anyone who loved and cherished and took care of her and took their time with her the way John did.

“Don’t disappear on me, Cass,” he whispered, his fingers threading through hers as he sat back and let his leg hang off the side of her bed. “Let me into that beautiful brain of yours.”

“Just thinking how…how I never thought I deserved something like this. Not after everything back home.” John smiled and pulled her up so she was now straddling his lap.

“You deserve more than I could ever give you. I’m just fighting every day to even try to come close.” She gripped at his shoulders and peppered his face with kisses. “You take the lead, Cass. Your pace.”

“Are you sure? That’s not very traditional of you, Major Egan,” she teased as she pushed his curls back from his forehead.

“I’ll have my time. Promise.” Cass lifted her hips slightly and centered herself over him, proud and ready, before locking her eyes on his. Her breath caught in her throat as she felt the beginnings of him stretching her. More importantly was the look on the man whose lap she was in.

He looked carved from marble as his eyes flickered from watching the way he disappeared inside of her to watching her face. She could happily die in the crease between his eyebrows. Happily trace the contours of his neck as he strained not to ravish her like an animal. Happily bathe in the sounds of his moans and gasps. All for eternity.

“John,” she moaned, “I feel you everywhere.”

“Good, baby, want my cock to ruin you.” He wanted her to be ruined for anyone else. Wanted this to serve as his official notice to the universe that she was his and he was hers and that would be the case as long as the earth spun.

His arm wrapped around the small of her back as he helped her find her rhythm, their rhythm. She let out a gasp with each thrust up into her and pressed her chest to his so there was no space for anything other than love between them. “I love you,” he whispered, “I love you so much, Cass.” He was almost panting as she lifted her hips and brought them down at the same time his own were thrusting. With one particular grinding of her hips, John whined with pleasure and gave her the sloppiest kiss he could muster. Cass found that spot again and he seemed like he was going to burst.

“I believe you,” she whispered back, “I can feel it.” Her chest ached to return the sentiment to him, it was burning inside of her, but the ugly thoughts stayed rooted in the back of her mind that she was going to lose him. That loving him was not worth the pain that it would wreak across her life when she returned home without him to a life of despair and angry men. “Don’t ever leave me.” She could cry with the emotions bubbling in her chest. With the feeling of being held by this man like she was the most precious work of art. As if any loosening of his grip on her skin and she would float away.

“I won’t, I won’t. I’ve got you.” He held her face between his hands and brought her forehead to his, her kisses swallowing his breathless sounds as his hands on her hips worked him to his peak.

“Let go, John, let go for me.” Hidden in her words was that she had him too. That she was gripping him just as tightly, just as afraid he’d drift away, just as afraid she would take up from this dream to find herself in the sullen world she existed in before she had met John Egan.

He kissed her in a way she was sure was going to bruise her lips, as the ecstasy washed over him and cocooned them both in a bubble of warmth and comfort and commitment. His fingers sought purchase on the skin of her hips and her back as she continued to swivel them through his orgasm, milking him for all he had to give her, and holding him close as he sucked a bruised onto her neck as the high dissipated.

“That felt…better than fucking flying.” He removed his face from her neck and looked at her like he was drunk. She kissed him with a giggle and held her steady when she tried to lift off of him. “Let me stay inside you a little longer.”

“Flyboy’s found his nest, huh?” she teased. John smirked, hissing as she moved slightly and his cock twitched back to life.

“Do you think you’ve got one more in you, baby?” She nodded as her tongue tangled with his once more and his arms tightened around the small of her back. Cass kissed at his cheeks and his forehead and nose as he smiled and pecked her lips right back. “Lie down, Spook. Let me show you the stars one more time tonight.”

----

She had made sure to stop by Mary’s room on the way back from the bathroom to apologize for the sight she had witnessed earlier.

“Did you promote while I wasn’t looking, Lieutenant?” Cass blushed as Mary nodded toward the oak leaf pin on the collar of the shirt she was donning. She was only able to offer a sheepish good night in return before retreating back to the love den her and John had created.

She shed John’s shirt before falling into his welcoming arms. Cass was deliciously sated as she closed her eyes with a hum and snuggled against John’s chest.

“Thank you for listening to me. For holding me earlier and just listening and not trying to convince me the way I was feeling was wrong.”

“I get the sense, Cass, you’re not used to opening up to people.” She propped herself up on her elbow so she could look at him properly. “Even less used to hearing your emotions are valid.”

“I was raised with the fear of God and Elizabeth Cooper. If you feel anything, make sure the door is closed. Especially be sure it’s not in front of a handsome, eligible bachelor,” she added with a tap of her finger to the tip of his nose.

“Not that eligible anymore,” he murmured. “Thank you for trusting me enough to tell me.” John, by no means, viewed Cass as fragile or delicate. He touched her like she was because it was a reverence that she deserved. A care she had earned. A purposeful choice of a man to caress and trace and whisper his love for her across his fingertips. And by no means was John Egan raised that he was allowed to wear his heart on his sleeve. By no means was he allowed to show weakness or fallibility. He was raised to be a man. Strong and sure and stoic in his dogged pursuit of an archetype.

Now, with an angel in his arms, that was exactly what he wanted to be. He wanted to be her shield from all the pain the world was trying to bring down on her. Shield her from the reality of the world they were making their way through. Shield her from the blue of her past and the red of her present but usher in the gold of their future. No longer were they separate entities drifting through the cosmos but rather their paths were converging in a beautiful display of life and spirit and love. It was music across the skies. A symphonic solar burst of two souls merging for eternity.

“You promise you don’t think less of me because of what I did?” she whispered as she focused on twisting his cross around her fingers and avoided his gaze. A finger under her chin tipped her eyes back to his.

“I promise.” She was scared that she believed him. Scared that he could speak two words and soothe the type of trauma that was currently rooted in her chest. Scared that she could get used to the healing salve of his voice and his touch. “You promise that even when I leave, you’ll know I’m doing it for you? That I’m leaving my heart here with you for safekeeping?” John could feel how tenuous the love between them was. That no matter how real it was and how hot it burned that the world around them was testing its limits. He was so afraid to leave and lose any progress they made. The progress he was making towards Cass allowing herself to feel worthy of his love and deserving of returning the sentiment back to him.

“I promise.” She kissed his lips softly and did her best not to shy away from the intensity of his blue eyes as they sought to memorize exactly how she looked in this moment, a lock of her hair twisted around his finger.

“And promise me, Cass, that no matter what happens you’ll know my love for you is real. And that you deserve all the happiness in the world and you don’t have to go back to the life waiting for you in South Carolina if you don’t want to.”

“I don’t need to worry about that because we’re going home together after this. I’ll always know you love me because you’ll be there to tell me. And you’ll fall asleep every night to the sound of my heart beating for you, John Egan, only for you.” He brought her against his lips fiercely, her tears staining his cheeks as she kissed him back with tenderness.

“I’m scared,” he admitted quietly as they changed positions so she was looking up at him. “I’m so scared the universe is going to take you from me.” John needed to know she would fulfill all her hopes and dreams for the after even if he wasn’t there to live them with her. That she wouldn’t resign herself to a life with Sidney Landry and the trappings of traditional domesticity. He needed to know she would be safe and spread her wings and fly to every corner of the world she wanted to. John Egan had understood on that observation mission that he was not guaranteed making it out of here.

He couldn’t love her enough to end the war. No matter how hard he tried.

“The universe gets no fucking say.” She was leaving with him or she wasn’t leaving at all. “Where you go, I go. Nothing will ever separate us because I will always find you.” Even in death, she would find him.

“I’m going to give you everything you could ever want when we get out of here, Cass.” She smiled softly and traced her thumb along the top of his cheeks.

“I got everything I could ever want right here.” She would only ever need him. All she could ever want, ever need, was in her arms.

All Cass had known her entire life was how to fight for what she wanted. She had scratched and clawed and bled to be where she was. She had killed to get back to John in one piece. Would again without blinking.

She had meant what she said. The universe no longer had a say in the trajectory of her life. Cass had chosen him the same way he had chosen her. And she would move heaven and hell to keep choosing him if that is what it came to.

Because the only way she was going to get the future she wanted and deserved and that he was so desperate to give her was for John to be in it. There was no future without his presence.

She meant what she said. She would always find him.

Even if that meant following him to her death.

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