#sounds a bit stupid but admitting to myself that im like that because im afraid to get hurt/made fun off and trying to change it | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

glassartpeasants · 3 years

Note

If you don't make a happy ending for couldn't care less you better keep bob with you at all times

HOW DARE YOU THREATEN BOB YOU KNOW WHAT-

Couldn’t Care Less .2

Shigaraki x GN!Reader

Warnings: Angst, death, blood, abuse, gore

~~~

“i hope that blue haired fuck got what he wanted. I hope that handyman freak dies alone.” You say to yourself as you walk down the alleys way of Musutafu. The smell of the dingey and moldy alleyways flood your nose as the laughter of happy couples ring in your ears.

How come they got they’re happily ever after but you didn’t? It wasn’t fair. You did everything you could to be there for him. Yet he still treats you like shit, all because you cared about him? And then he thinks your cheating all cause you ask a male friend for advice! What an insecure asshole.

A vibrating in your pocket brought you back to reality as you realize your phone was ringing. Letting out a sigh you answer,

“Hello?”

“Come pick up your shit.” Oh, you thought you blocked this fuck.

“Keep it asshole. I don’t want anything that smells like ‘lonely bastard who only gets action from his hand’ on my clothes. Burn it, decay it, I couldn’t give a shit less.”

“God you were always so dramatic. And there’s no reason to be a cunt.”

“And there was no reason for you to be an insecure dick. You either block my number or im calling the police and ratting on you.” A silence fell over the phone. Nothing was said until you finally spoke up.

“Jeez your pathetic. I’ll do it myself.” He was about to say something, insult your most likely before you hung up the phone and blocked him not seconds later.

“Now he’s outta my hair. I can finally feel some sort of calm.”

~~~

3 weeks later

After a day of coming back to your musty apartment you decided it needed a little bit of cleaning, considering you haven’t been their in about 4 months. You paid up front all the time even when you weren’t living in it. Just in case ya know?

You swept up the floors, vacuumed the carpet AND shampooed it.Cleaned the tub, shower and sinks, cleaned out your empty refrigerator, washed all you sheets and what clothes you left there. It wasn’t much so you knew you had to get some more before anything else. That and groceries.

After all that was said and done, you sat down on the couch and just relaxed. Well you tired, that was before Shigaraki popped into your head again. It wasn’t a sort of loving way, it was a hatred sort of. The thought of his stupid face made you just want to punch a wall, pretending to be his face.

But you ignored it as you turned on the Tv, hoping that would get your mind off him. Nothing interesting except the news. Always talking about violence and war. Same old thing over and over. Blood, death, tragedy.

“This world is a cruel unjust place. The only way it seems to be recognized in this world is death or doing horrible things. Nothing good every comes to fruition.” You grumble before walking to your room and plopping down on the nice clean and still warm sheets. The nice smell of lavender slowly dragging you to sleep.

~~~

A loud bang hit your door which ripped you from your slumber. You were questioning on checking it out before you heard something that made your heart stop,

“If there’s anyone in the house kill them, we can’t have people knowing we ransacked this place.” You slowly get off your bed before moving slowly and quietly to your window. Your push your fingers on the glass and you gently push it up. Grabbing at the sides of the window you pull yourself out of it, not before hearing a gunshot and a burning pain inside your calf.

“Fuck! They’re getting away!” You could hear them from inside the house.

“Did they see you?!” You fell from your window onto the ground. Thankfully your apartment was on the first floor so it wasn’t a high drop.

“Not that i know of! I did shot them in the leg so they shouldn’t have gotten far!” You try your hardest as you run towards the main street. Cutting through alleyways, going as fast as you can as you hear they’re footsteps behind you. Looking up closely you see a hero, knowing he was your only chance you scream for help.

“Help me please!” The hero’s head turned towards you and ran towards you. You guess the robbers heard your cry for help because they’re footsteps seemed to be heading back your probably trashed apartment.

“Oh my! What happened?!” The sound of the hero’s concerned voice calmed you down a bit.

“Some people tried to rob my place and i tried to get out of there silently but they must have came into my room and saw me leaving and shot me in the calf!” You wince as putting pressure on the wound burned hotter than hell.

“Don’t worry! I’ll get you to the hospital in no time!” You felt relieved before hearing a crunching sound, you looked to your left and see a familiar patch of blue hair in your peripheral vision. You ignored him before getting picked up by the hero and was carried to the hospital. The blood loss from your calf slowly dragged you into unconsciousness.

~~~

After waking up you notice the white room you were in. It was pristine to the touch and smelled of lemon cleaning products. The bright lights hallways peered inside your room from the crack of your door.

Looking around the small feeling of pain crept back into your leg except not as painful anymore. Pulling back the covers you notice bandages and a small bit of blood that stained through the bandages around your wound.

“Ah fuck that’s gonna scar. It’s gonna be a pain to heal too.” You say to yourself as you pull back the blankets and wrap yourself up in them.

Right as you were falling back asleep the ringing of your cellphone brought you out. Grumbling in annoyance you grab it and look at the caller id. It was a number you didn’t recognize so you just let it ring thinking it’ll be the end of it. That was until it started ringing again. You sighed in frustration and picked up the phone, not wanting it to ring longer since it was in the dead of night at the hospital and you wanted people to be able to sleep.

“What the hell do you want? It’s the middle of the night.” You annoyed voice rang into the other side of the phone.

“Why tf were you talking to a hero? Did you fucking break your end of the bargain?” You were confused at first. You definitely knew the voice behind the phone. Then you remembered earlier that day when you saw him in the shadows.

“I was literally shot. You think im not gonna ask someone for help?” You rub the bridge of your nose.

“I don’t believe you. You always were a two faced bitch.”

“Oh jesus fuck, thanks for the insult. Glad to know what you always thought about me.”

“I’m going to kill you you backstabbing bitch.”

“Love ya too. goodnight and goodbye Shigaraki.” You hung up and blocked said number. You weren’t going to lie, hearing him spill such an insult and threat hurt you and made you very weary and afraid if he would actually go through with it or if he was just saying that to scare you.

You knew what those hands could do and you knew how painful that death would have been. You were hurt more than you liked to admit, at the beginning of your relationship he wasn’t aggressive or mean at all towards you. He’d try to get you flowers or your favorite type of drink. He called you pet names that would make your heart flutter and beat, you don’t know what you did wrong for him to change so suddenly. It was like on day he flipped a switch, and you never knew why.

You tried recalling the day where it started and remembered that everyone was annoyed or being rude to Dabi, you didn’t know why and when you asked Spinner or anyone else they just said it was national, be a bitch to Dabi day. You laughed and shrugged it off ignoring it before walking up to your boyfriend giving him a kiss on the lips, only to be pushed into the wall and ignored. You just looked at him in shocked and it had only spiraled down from there to where you are now.

Something had to be wrong. You knew it, Dabi had to have something to do with Shigaraki’s switch in behavior. You looked around the room for any camera and when you noticed that there were none, you called up the burnt male himself. He surprisingly picked up on the first ring.

“(Y/N)? I haven’t heard from you in 3 weeks. Or was it four? Doesn’t matter, where have you been?”

“Dabi, i need you to be honest with me, did you say something to Shigaraki?”

“Huh?”

“Dabi, five months ago Shigaraki flipped a switch and went from a caring boyfriend to an actually nightmare. I need to know if you or anyone else said something to him.” Dabi was quiet on the other line before sighing,

“About that time range i made a joke about sleeping with you, everyone knew it was a joke but apparently Shigaraki didn’t. I didn’t think he’d treat you like he did. Im sorry.” You fell silent. All this shit treatment because Shigaraki couldn’t a joke. Sure it pissed you off that Dabi made such a stupid joke but you were more mad at Shigaraki that he just treated you like shit instead of asking you and confronting you about it.

“Thank you for telling me. Do you know where Shigaraki is now?”

“He left about an hour ago, why?” Shit. You knew this was the only hospital close to your place and Shigaraki knew that too. You got up from your bed and locked the door before going back into your bed, watching the crack under your door incase the light was blocked.

“Dabi, I just want you to know that i forgive you.”

“What? What the fuck are you talking about-” Your phone went silent as the battery died.

‘Shit shit shit shit!’ you thought to yourself as you beg for the phone to turn back on. But you fell silent as the light from the outside of your room was blocked.

“(Y/N), I know you're in there, open the fucking door before i decay it down.” You said nothing in fear. You were glued to your bed as you faced the door.

But that fear was nothing compared to seeing him actually decay the door.

“You stupid snitch. i should make your death as painful as possible.” he said as soon as he stepped inside your hospital room.

“Shigaraki, I didn’t snitch I promise. Why don’t you believe me!” You say as you get off your bed and try to get as far away from him as possible. The pain of the bullet would making you wince.

“Why would I believe a cheating bitch like you?” Before you could speak a four fingered grip wrapped itself around your throat. Shigaraki was always fast, you should have known that you were gonna die even if you tried your hardest.

“I didn’t cheat on you!” You try to pry yourself from shigaraki’s grip.

“Dabi says otherwise.”

“Are you really going to believe him?! You didn’t even talk to me or ask me about it! Just went straight to believing him!” The grip on your neck got tighter.

“then why was they’re a hickey on your collarbone?!”

“You gave it to me! It was fading out!”

“That doesn’t change the fact you snitched!” His pinkie was grazing closer to your skin.

“I never snitched, I was robbed and then they shot me. If you went to my apartment you would see i was right.” He said nothing just staring at you with cold dead eyes.

“Look! I have bandages wrapped around my calf!” Shigaraki looked down before saying something back.

“It was something the hero’s did so they could protect you in this shit hospital.” I was at that moment you knew, nothing you said would change his mind. You shed not a tear while looking him in the eyes

“I wish I never met you. Fuck you Tomura Shigaraki, I hope you die alone and I’ll see you in hell.” You move your head so his last and final finger touched your skin.

The pain of your skin decaying and falling off was much more painful than you thought it would be. You can remember screaming in pain but, it felt more of a emotional scream rather than one of physical pain. but it seems you weren’t the only one screaming.

The sounds of Shigaraki wailing and screaming your name reached your ears before all you heard was silence and saw nothing.

Shigaraki scrambled to try and grab you and even put you together, but your bloody ashes stuck to his hand. Remains of your existence covered his clothes as he screamed in pain.

“No no no no! Wait please! I didn’t mean it!” He cried as his tears fell onto your ashes, the tears collecting the ashes and forming a grey tear drop. He wasn’t thinking clearly, he’s sorry! He didn’t want to kill you!

Bile rose from his throat as he puked all over the ground, inches away from your ashes. He grabbed your ashes trying to pick them up to hold what was left of you. But all he got was the remains of your smeared all over his hoodie. He shook violently as memories of you guys replayed in his mind, your happy face and the way you use to love him and care for him.

But now, you were nothing more than ashes on his sleeve, reminding him that he was now truly alone.

#tomura shigaraki #mha #bnha #tomura shigaraki x reader #tomura shiragaki #mha tomura #Shigaraki #shigaraki tomura #mha shigaraki #shigaraki x reader #never threaten bob again anon :)

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katsukiibby · 3 years

Text

Argument after Argument

warnings - angst with happy ending, unprotected sex, breeding, shower sex, established relationship

another stupid argument, over what ? forgetting to pick up grocery. if it weren’t for the highschool reunion the two of you were attending tonight, you’d be at home sleeping at a distance from each other in your shared king sized bed.

at first, tsukishima didn’t even want to be in the same room as you. it took a lot of convincing but he eventually agreed just to shut you up.

he looked nice, really really nice. you couldn’t help but think he did this on purpose. he would usually never dress this nice for a silly gathering. then again, you gave him the same treatment. you dressed your absolute best, not even caring if you where over dressed.

you were expecting more of an reaction. he barley glanced at you and gave you a simple ‘you look nice’. when he saw the way you scoffed and huffed out your nose when you saw him, he was satisfied. all he wanted was an reaction.

“are you ready yet ?” he rushed you. you simply rolled your eyes and walked out the door.

you hated when it got like this. both of you had too much pride to admit that the other is right or to apologize.

you waited for him to open the car door like he always does. he doesn’t seem like the type but after 4 years together, you’ve realized he does small romantic acts instead of verbal romance. the little things he did made you so happy, it put a soft smile on your face thinking about it.

that was all washed away when he walked up to the car and got into the driver’s seat, leaving you standing outside of the car. “are you getting in or what ?” he spat. his tone was so harsh.

the drive was silent. thick tension sat in the air. you were turned towards the window and he was focused on the road. you thanked god when you pulled up to the school. you’re hoping you can loosen up tonight.

you both walked in and were instantly met by old friends. from what you heard, your old bestfriend, shoyo hinata became a volleyball player for a pro team. you were extremely devastated that you didn’t keep in touch but nows the chance to reconnect.

just as you were serving yourself a drink you hear a familiar voice. “hi ______ !”

it’s was tadashi. you never really talked to him at school, in fact you recall properly meeting him a bit after you and tsukishima got together back in college. “hey tadashi, it’s good to see you !” you brought him into a hug. “u-uh you too !” he replied with a small blush on his face. “kei should be around here somewhere.” you told him. he nodded and walked off, telling you to enjoy yourself and blah blah blah.

about 4 cups of rum punch later, you were having the time of your life. shoyo showed up an hour ago so the two of you were catching up. (well it was mostly you rambling about your day to day life while you were pretty drunk.)

you hadn’t seen tsukishima this whole time, and honestly you didn’t mind, you needed a break from him. the gathering was coming to an end and you were far from sober. you knew how to handle yourself, so it wasn’t like you were embarrassing yourself or anything, but you definitely needed help from shoyo with walking.

“let’s go find tsukishima and get you home.” he said as he put your arm around his shoulder to help you balance. “just use my phone and call him.” you slurred out.

he got your phone and attempted to open it with your old password from your first year of high school. a small smile appeared on his face when it worked.

he went to contacts and searched for tsukishima. he called him and handed you the phone.

“______ where are you ? it’s time to go.”

“hey kei, im outside the cafeteria.”

“ok im coming.” he scoffed

“thank yo-” he hung up before you could finish. you started frowning and shoyo noticed.

“everything will be fine ______” he said rubbing your back. you didn’t want to cry. you didn’t want to waste your tears on a petty disagreement. you got up and hugged shoyo, thanking him.

right on cue, tsukishima pulled up just in time to see you hugging hinata. he honked and told you to get in the car. you said your goodbyes to shoyo and got in the car. once again, awkward silence.

“so did you have a good time ?” you tried to break the tension. “it was fine. and you ? seems like you had your fair share of fun” he responded in a judging tone.

“yeah i did. it was nice to reconnect.” you said, trying to not have a snarky response. “seems like you did more than reconnect.” he said lowly. you looked at him confused “what do you mean by that.”

“well you were practically throwing yourself at hinata.” he said with a scoff.

your eyes widened in disbelief. did he just accuse you of ‘throwing yourself’ at your best friend.

“how was i “throwing myself at him” ?! we were literally just talking the whole time !”

“i saw how you were touching him, hugging him, laughing at everything he said. surely he wasn’t that funny.” he chuckled, keeping his eyes on the road.

“are you that fucking insecure ? god, i wasn’t touching him in any way and i was hugging him because he felt bad for me. the way you were talking to me was so fucking harsh.” your voice began to shake, not from sadness but anger.

“all i said was that i was coming to pick you up. how’s that harsh ?” he raised his voice.

“you hung up before i could even get two fucking words out.” you yelled.

“it’s not that big of a deal.” he rolled his eyes

“yeah but this isn’t the first time you’ve done this.”

“you’re always so mad for no reason.” he responded

you didn’t say anything after that. you both just sat in silence until you arrived home.

after arriving home, you both went up to your room. it was completely silent and the air was full of anger and tension.

you got in the shower, you had to cool off. argument after argument. you were afraid for what was next. tears started to well up in your eyes and next thing you knew they were falling.

he could here your soft sobs over the shower water falling. he didn’t mean to react that way. he was just so angry. he was angry at himself for letting this get so big. he was angry because you could leave him at any moment.

it startled you when he walked into the bathroom. “are you ok ?” he asked softly. it was silent for only a second until you replied with mhm.

“i-i’m sorry.” he said lowly. that was something he very rarely says so you were pretty speechless.

it took a few seconds for you to respond “i’m sorry too.” with a small voice.

“i just don’t want to lose you.” he continued with a shaky voice. “you’re not gonna lose me kei, we just need to.. work things out.” you replied. you heard a soft ok before the door opened.

“wait..” you said loud enough for him to hear. “can you come in here.. with me ?” you asked nervously.

“are you sure ?” he confirmed carefully. an ‘mhm’ can be heard over the noise from the shower.

he slowly undressed, already somewhat turned on from your request. you two haven’t been intimate in weeks due to the arguing. a few kisses here and there but nothing more. just being able to see your body again was making him excited.

he peeled the shower curtains back an stepped in, already admiring your body. you on the other hand took no time to begin to pull him to your height to kiss him. passionate and hungry for more. he tasted so sweet. his lips felt so soft, and his tongue was so warm as he slowly slipped it in your mouth.

he walked forward until your back hit the wall. he was holding your cheek so softly, kissing you so softly, as if. he was afraid he’d break you. he never wants to hurt you the way he did tonight. he wants to be more careful with what he says and does.

he began to trail kisses down your neck. he was teasing you. he knew the exact spot you loved oh-so much, but he’s going anywhere but there.

as soon as he made contact with the skin in between your ear and collarbone, you whimpered. oh god, he missed the way you’d whimper for him. he missed how your body aches for him in the most obvious ways.

you trace your hand down his chest, to his stomach, to his dick and you began to jerk him off. oh how he loved when you’d jerk him off. when you two first got together he refused to jerk himself off because “you do it better”.

he groaned against your neck. you loved that sound. the sound of him struggling to catch his breath, all because of you.

“sh-shit i’m about to cum.” he said slack jawed. “go ahead.” you breathed out.

after a few more pumps, he moaned out loud, releasing his cum for you and only you.

he caught his breath for a second and began to kiss you briefly before turning you around so that the front of your body is pressed against the wall.

he aligned his cock to your pussy, that was already dripping wet. he slowly entered, causing you to let out a dragged moan. he went painfully slow “please kei, f-faster” you whined.

he obeyed as he picked up the pace. his mouth was to your ear, so just hearing his moans were pushing you over.

he slid in and out quickly, causing you to struggle to stand. he took notice and held you up by wrapping his arm around your waist.

a line of swears were heard along with water hitting the two of you and skin slapping.

“i love you, kei. i love you. i love you.” you repeated as you felt yourself reaching your high. that absolutely pushed tsukishima over. he moaned loudly in you ear as his pace slowed down.

he milked his cock in you, and you took all of it happily. “i love you too, _____” he replied out of breath.

“let’s finish the shower.” you said with a weary smile.

#anime #fanfic #wattpad #writers on tumblr #writing #haikyu x reader #haikyuu smut #hq tsukishima #tsukishima angst #haikyuu

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tennessoui · 3 years

Note

1. Soulmates AU please! It is definitely my guilty pleasure trope

hello im only three months ish late maybe four but this is also 3.4k long and it's just wild i mean we're talking soul mates, superheroes, rushed world building, superhero names this is a trip this is something i wrote after waking up from a four hour nap this ever had a chance and also it's sad

1. Soul Mates (+ 42. Star Crossed Lovers)

“You shouldn’t have come,” Obi-Wan says harshly, pulling the children--they’re just goddamn children--into his apartment and slamming the door behind them. “Did anyone see you?”

The children--all four of them--stay quiet. Obi-Wan wants to wring their necks. He knows why they’re here. He’d rather them die on the streets than suffer through what they’re obviously here about.

But if that were really true, he would have just left them on his doorstep.

“Did anyone see you?” he asks again.

“Not that we noticed,” one of the girls in the middle says. Shili, dressed in a blue and white striped sensible jumpsuit and sporty cape. The leader of the new generation of superheroes and she sounds like she hasn’t even hit puberty yet.

Obi-Wan is suddenly very, very tired.

“Kam,” Shili gestures to the person next to her and a little behind, a tall boy with a helmet covering his face and white and blue armor covering the rest of him, “says he didn’t pick up anything with his sensors. We were safe. We’re not trying to get you caught, sir. We just need to talk to you.”

“You could kick us out,” the other girl points out, crossing her arms over her chest. She’s not even bothering to wear a domino mask, but Obi-Wan doubts very much he’s looking at her real appearance. She’s Mirial, of course.

Which makes the other boy in a padded white and orange suit Mando. Four of the fifty or so remaining Jedi superheroes are in his house.

Obi-Wan sighs and turns to pad down the hallway. “Shoes off,” he calls behind his shoulder. “And does anyone want any tea?”

“No thank you,” Shili responds politely, falling into step behind him.

“Sit,” he tells them roughly when he notices the four of them standing awkwardly in his cramped dining room. “Sit down.”

He puts the kettle on anyway, and bangs around the cabinets for a few seconds to find an unopened bag of chips and a sleeve of probably stale cookies.

He doesn’t have much else to offer them though. Not now.

Weren’t you the one always telling me to eat my vegetables? A laughing voice murmurs into his ear. Look at you now.

Obi-Wan has to stand for a second in his small and dirty kitchen, chips clutched in one hand and cookies in the other, and breathe for an impossibly long moment.

This is why he had not wanted to ever see another Jedi in his life. All they brought with them were questions and ghosts.

Obi-Wan has enough of those as it is.

The kettle goes off and he pours the hot water into his mug. The cowardly part of him that hasn’t faced a fight in ten years now wants to wait here until the tea has finished steeping and then think of a thousand other excuses to not ever leave the kitchen again. He's good at thinking of excuses. He calls them reasons and lives his life with them.

But he has always known someone would eventually come looking for answers. That had always been one of the prices he knew he would eventually have to pay.

He notices immediately upon entering the dining room that they’ve saved him a seat, if it counts as saving someone a seat when they’ve rearranged the chairs so one is on one side of the table and the other two are squeezed opposite it.

“I hope you don’t mind that I’ve brought snacks to my own interrogation,” he says blithely, depositing them onto the table in front of the children.

Kamino stares intently at them for a second, and then nods once to Shili, who reaches out to open the bag of chips. In a show of good faith, she takes one and eats it. Obi-Wan can’t see her eyes underneath the white lenses of her domino mask, but he’s quite sure she hasn’t stopped looking at him once.

“Are you sure you do not want tea, now we have established I am not going to poison you?” he asks, crossing his ankles and taking a sip from his own mug.

“It’s a bit too warm out there for hot tea,” Mirial says disdainfully, looking at her nails. “You know, what with the world on fire.”

“But I’d take an iced one, if you have it,” Shili leans forward.

Obi-Wan pauses, drink halfway to his mouth.

He sets it down gently on the wood of his table. “Ah. Going straight in, aren’t we?”

“There’s not much time for anything else,” Mando says, and at least he sounds a bit apologetic.

“A weighty statement from someone who can manipulate time itself,” Obi-Wan hums.

“Only for a few seconds,” Mando mutters behind his helmet, rubbing at the back of his neck.

“That’s because you don’t have much in the way of training, young man,” Obi-Wan tells him gently with a hint of steel behind it “Back in my day--”

He cuts himself off. He doesn’t know why. Clearly, they know who he used to be. Otherwise they wouldn’t be here. He’s really just delaying the inevitable, but his throat feels tight. This truth, so long unspoken, is hard to drag into his mouth. And yet, every second he doesn’t speak it, it’s bashing itself to death against the backs of his teeth.

“Would you like us to tell you what we’ve found out about your days?” Mirial asks, looking up from her nails. “Would that make it easier for you, Ilum?”

“Meer--” Shili starts to say, reaching out to touch the girl’s arm, rein her in, but it’s too late.

The planes of Mirial’s face change and shift and suddenly for the first time in ten years, Anakin Skywalker is sitting across from him. “Would you like to talk about the old days, or would you like me to talk about the old days?” Mirial in Anakin’s smooth baritone asks.

It’s cruel. It’s so cruel that for a second Obi-Wan wishes his heart could just stop from the pain of it all. “Please put that away,” he tells the tabletop coldly. “And please. Do not call me that.”

“Meer,” Shili murmurs, and there’s a shift in the air.

When Obi-Wan looks back up, Mirial is back to the way she always appears in press releases, green skin and all. “That was a decent impression,” he tells her. She bristles at the perceived slight, but he holds up his hand. “But when I knew him, his eyes weren’t gold. They were blue.”

“Mustafar has had golden eyes since he joined the Imps,” Mirial argues back in a way that reminds Obi-Wan of another young teenager, who never could learn how to take criticism well.

“And he was someone else before then,” he tells the girl. “He had another name and he had a mother and he had a soulmate and a--fiancee and everything.”

His hands have started to shake, so he clasps the mug tightly, though it burns him.

“Tell us,” Shili insists forcefully but compassionately. Obi-Wan had wondered before why they had chosen to make the girl whose only ability is to fly the leader of the newest Jedi team, but it must be that. It must be her compassion. “Please. You’re the only one who can.”

“Yes,” Obi-Wan says. “I know. I’m the only one who is left. But if I am to demask myself, I will not do it to a table of strangers.”

The children turn to look at each other. Kamino cocks his head at Shili, who inclines her own head. Mirial shrugs. Mando shakes his head once, but Shili seems to override him, because she turns back to Obi-Wan and takes off her domino mask.

“My name is Ahsoka Tano,” she says, stumbling over the name. Obi-Wan wonders how many times she’s unmasked herself before. “Or Shili.”

She nudges Mirial, who sighs. “I’m Barriss,” she tells him grudgingly.

Kamino takes off his helmet to reveal a strong-jawed boy with a blond buzzcut. “His name is Rex,” Ahsoka says. “He can’t speak except through minds.”

Obi-Wan blinks in surprise at this. He had known that Kamino had an advanced sense of the senses, could tell something’s molecular makeup just by looking at it, could smell a gas leak from two miles away, etcetera, etcetera, but he hadn’t known the boy could communicate telepathically as well.

“And I’m his twin,” Mando sighs, taking off his own helmet and revealing a startlingly similar face, marred by a scar just across his temple. “Cody.”

“It’s a pleasure to meet you all,” Obi-Wan tells them, drumming his fingers on the table. “You know already. I fought under the name Ilum. I could--”

He searches for words to describe his own powers, and settles instead on a demonstration. With a flick of his hand, the liquid in the mug rises and freezes into a miniature wave, suspended in the air.

He lets the ice drop into the mug, and inclines his head to Ahsoka. “Iced tea?” he asks wryly.

“Tell us about Mustafar,” Mando demands. What a heavy thing to carry, Obi-Wan finds himself thinking. The knowledge of all that time.

What Obi-Wan wouldn’t give to be ten years younger again. Not to even change anything, though he would be stupid to not try to. But to just enjoy the moment for what it had been in the end: just a moment.

“We didn’t call him that then,” Obi-Wan sighs and rubs a hand over his face. “We called him Iego in uniform, and Anakin in civvies.

“He was...radiant. In battle and off the field. I was the leader of our team for six years until Anakin came along. And I just knew as soon as I saw him that he would take everything from me. But he wouldn’t have had to take it. I would have given it to him right then.”

“I didn’t think he was that attractive,” Ahsoka mumbles, and then slaps a hand over her mouth as if afraid she’s spoken out of turn and ruined the story so completely that Obi-Wan won’t say anything else.

Instead, Obi-Wan laughs but it doesn’t sound much like a laugh at all. “Well, to each is his own, of course,” he says when he thinks the hysteria has worn off. “And finding out he carried my soul mark certainly helped.”

The room is blissfully silent, which Obi-Wan is beyond thankful for. He just wants to let those never-before admitted truths hang in the air, just for a few more seconds. He almost wants to say them again actually. Anakin Skywalker is my soulmate. Anakin Skywalker carries the same mark I carry, and he always has.

“But…” Barriss says slowly, “But Mustafar’s soulmark is on his neck.”

“It’s not,” Obi-Wan murmurs, staring at the wall behind their heads. “What he has on his neck is an ice burn scar in the shape of a hand. In the shape of my hand. His actual soul mark is on his mid-back, right over his spine.”

“You tried to kill your soulmate?” Ahsoka gasps, looking horrified.

Obi-Wan smiles with no joy behind it. “I tried to save the world,” he corrects her gently.

“You said earlier…” Cody speaks up. “That Mustafar--that Anakin had a fiancee. It wasn’t you, was it?”

“No,” Obi-Wan admits. “I never told him. I...couldn’t. I wanted to wait I suppose. I. Well. My soulmark is identical to his, but it’s on my thigh. And. You know what they say about a soulmatch whose marks aren’t in the same spot.” “Star crossed,” Ahsoka whispers.

“Yes,” Obi-Wan confirms. “I decided to wait. I was a few years older than him, he had so much to learn, he needed a friend more than he needed a soulmate. I had a long list of reasons, all as iron-clad as the next. But they were excuses. I was afraid. This man, my soulmate, could control fire and sunlight itself. He burned with passion, shone with power. And I...I was cold. Too pragmatic, too quick to criticize when he needed praise. The marks were just marks. Maybe they fit together, maybe they matched. But I was terrified that we wouldn’t.

“And by the time I thought to tell him, he came to find me instead. He was in love, he said. He had been seeing a girl for months and was going to ask her to marry him. And I suppose I must have asked about his soulmate, because he told me he would rather never know his soulmate, if knowing meant losing her.”

So. So Obi-Wan had let him go, though that part doesn’t make for a good story. He had distanced himself as much as he could get away with, which is not much really, seeing as how Iego and Ilum fought best when they fought together.

But in the end, his heartbreak had been too much, even for someone as cold as Obi-Wan had been known to be. He’d put in for a temporary transfer. A remedial medical leave, a Jedi-sanctioned sabbatical so he could ostensibly connect with himself and his powers. Nothing longer than a year.

You’ll miss the wedding, Anakin had told him, heartbreak shining in his own eyes.

But his heartbreak had been nothing compared to Obi-Wan’s, and so he had left. He had needed to. It had felt like rending his soul in two, but he had.

Two weeks into his stay at a different Jedi training base, Obi-Wan had died in an explosion. “That hadn’t been Jedi sanctioned,” he tells the children in front of him wryly. “We thought it was an accident at the time, but there were too many coincidences. Too many casualties.” But Obi-Wan’s death had been the only casualty Anakin had felt. It hadn’t mattered that someone had managed to restart his heart only a few minutes later. He had died. He had died and Anakin had felt his soulmate die. He had burned his fiancee in his own uncontrollable agony. She had not survived Obi-Wan’s death, even though Obi-Wan himself had.

“I...I don’t know what happened. Still. It’s been years and I have thought of little else. She may have been standing too close to him when it happened. Or...the house may have caught on fire and she was trapped inside. Or...I don’t know. I don’t know,” he spreads his hands palm up on the table and looks at the faces of the children.

He sighs and continues. There is so little left in the story now. “The Jedi Order decided to tell the press that there had been no survivors, though there had been a few. We couldn’t know if the Imperials were behind the attack or not, so we had to be careful. The survivor’s families were told, and their soulmates. Officially, I had no family. I had...no soulmate. They didn’t tell anyone I had survived. Ilum died in that explosion. Still to this day, he's dead.

“Anakin had always been absurdly powerful...and dangerous. He’d killed the love of his life, had felt his soulmate dying, and then...heard that I too had died. The first two had destabilized him, but my death and the Jedi Order’s staunch rejection of his request to see my body, to give me a funeral...it made him even more vulnerable to outside manipulation.”

“The Imperials….” Cody murmurs.

Obi-Wan nods, lip curling up. “The Imperials,” he agrees. “The timeline is fuzzy. I spent a good part of these weeks partially dead, one foot in both worlds. I didn’t know what was going on. When I was well enough to watch the news, the Jedi told me there was a new super villain working with the Imperials, going by the name Mustafar. I trained to kill him as he was helping the Imps decimate the Jedi. All of my old team was dead. Anakin was missing. I didn’t--”

He cuts himself off and runs a hand down his face. The children are waiting on his words. He’s telling them why they’re fighting wars adults should be fighting. He’s telling them why they’re out in the field after only a month or less of training. He’s trying to tell them why he isn’t out there fighting with them, but he knows already they won’t accept his excuses.

They shouldn’t have to.

“They gave me a new uniform and a new name,” Obi-Wan picks up the story. “Hoth. And I went off to kill my soulmate.”

“But you didn’t,” Barriss says, and she sounds vaguely confused and vaguely accusatory.

“I almost did,” Obi-Wan admits, like it’s a sin, like it's salvation. “Everything about him was different. He was not the passionate but warm boy I had known. He was a forest fire. A volcano. And Mustafar’s fighting style was completely different from Iego’s. I only realized it was Anakin--my Anakin--when I managed to knock his mask off. I had my hand around his throat, but when I realized who I was fighting...I let go. I couldn’t kill him. Even after everything he did. Even knowing...knowing Iego was gone.”

The dining room is silent for a second, before three voices burst out angrily at once.

“Why aren’t you helping the Jedi?” Ahsoka asks the loudest. “Hoth--Ilum, Obi-Wan. We need you. Mustafar--the Imperials...they’re not going to stop. They’ve killed so many Jedi. We need you to help us.”

“I’m sorry,” Obi-Wan says. “I cannot.”

“You used to be a hero,” Barriss accuses. “Now what are you? A hollowed out, sad man.”

“I was never a hero,” he snaps. “I followed orders. Anyone can do that.”

“You were the best,” Cody says quietly, cutting Obi-Wan to the bone. “You led the Geonosis team for six years. I studied you in class. You were...the best.”

“I wasn’t,” Obi-Wan disagrees just as quietly. “But perhaps you all are.”

“You haven’t even told us any weakness we could use against him in battle!” Barriss shouts, standing up suddenly, which causes the chair to clatter over. “You’ve been no help at all! I’m leaving, this is a waste of time!”

“Barriss--!” Ahsoka cries after the girl, grabbing her discarded mask and taking after her.

Cody opens his mouth and then closes it. He jams the helmet back onto his head. “The soulmark. You said it’s on his hip?”

Obi-Wan smiles mirthlessly. Cody is trying to see if he can catch him in a lie, if this is actually good tactical information or not. “It’s a few inches below his shoulder blades, right over his spine.”

Cody nods once and then files out, leaving Obi-Wan alone in the room with the silent, still helmetless Rex.

“I just told him how to kill my supervillain soulmate,” Obi-Wan tells Rex, even though he’s really talking to himself. “Soulmarks, even dead ones, are extremely sensitive. If Anakin had hit me with his fire on my other thigh, I would be dead. Not just crippled. Muscle, young man, doesn’t grow back easily.”

He rubs a hand over the leg in question, staring down at the uneven way his pants lay over the old injury. It aches from the walking he’s forced it to do today, from trying to walk normally im front of these powerful strangers.

Rex taps the table to get him to look up, and then gestures to his own eyes.

“I?” Obi-Wan asks, confused.

Rex rolls his eyes and then mimes writing something.

“Ah, there should be a pen and pad in the kitchen?” he trails off as the teenager goes to retrieve the aforementioned things.

It takes a second longer than it should, and he comes out carrying just a slip of paper with his helmet forced back onto his head.

With a flick of his fingers, the paper’s lying on the table and Rex is following his teammates out the door and out of Obi-Wan’s apartment and hopefully out of his life forever.

Curious, Obi-Wan grabs the note and unfolds it to read.

We thought Musta. had yel. eyes because all the top Imps have yel. eyes. But if Ankn had blue eyes, then mybe none of the imps should have yel eyes.

No one knows what sidious power is -> what if it’s mind control?

Obi-Wan puts the note down onto the table with shaking hands. He wishes desperately he had never read it.

Because those words plant a seed of hope in his chest he isn’t sure he’ll be able to live without now.

What if Anakin--his Anakin--what if he’s in there still? What if Obi-Wan had abandoned him to ten years of brainwashing and mind control with not much of a fight at all?

But more pressingly, what if there’s hope for him? For both of them? Still, after all this time?

#asks #my fics #look i did another prompt #obikin #superheroes au #i was thinkin of the robert frost fire and ice poem when i went to sleep #and this was the result lmao #obviously they end up together #idk what to tell you #probably big moment for anakin who still thinks obi-wan is dead #for him to show up ten years older than he ever thought he'd see him #limping and being called hoth #i liked the superhero names being after the planets they're from (i mean mostly #iego is cause of the angels thing and obi-wan is like oof hes radiant hes great hes an angel)#hes a mass murderer (again) is what he is #god i hope this fic makes sense its 4:41 #prompt fill

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hatsukeii · 4 years

Note

One where y/n has been obviously in love with Tsuki since they were kids and not afraid to show it, but he’s always been lowkey mean to her and thinks she’s annoying and then finally years later she decides he’s not a nice guy and let’s him know she’s fine with all that crap and then he realizes he’s falling for her and does something really sweet for her and they fall in love? 😭😭🥺👉🏻👈🏻 ty in advance. Sorry if this is too long or specific, if it is, feel free to ignore

I genuinely hope you didn’t think I would actually ignore this<33

IM SORRY IM A MASTER PROCRASTINATOR ILY ALL AND YOU ALL DESERVE AN APOLOGY FROM ME

Dear diary//Tsukishima Kei x Reader

Word Count: 1.4k+

Warnings: Cursing

Genre: Angst??? I guess???

Summary: He’s an ass, but you still love him to bits, and it’s killing you.

July 16, 2008

Dear Diary,

I got to play with Tsukki again! He had his dino with him, it was super cute! He told me his front teeth came off last night, and there’s a big hole in his teeth, but it’s okay, because he said it will grow back. I tried to hold his hand while going down the twin slides but he said it was sweaty, so next time I’ll wear gloves!

You flip through the hot pink diary, cringing at your young infatuation. Your diary entries were cringey as fuck, but they always rekindle something within you whenever you read them. You can’t even remember when you stopped writing in the book. Was it when you turned 10? Maybe 12? You don’t have a single clue.

April 30, 2011

Dear Diary,

Tsukki refused to marry me in the playground at break:(( I’ve known him for so long though, aren’t we supposed to get married? I just wanna hold his hand and hug him and give him a biiiiig kiss<33

Chuckling at the memory, you recalled the event from that entry clearly. You were seven years old only, still an immature kid. You still thought that getting married in a middle school playground was a huge milestone in life, almost as crucial as a legal marriage.

May 29, 2016

Dear Diary,

Love how Tsukki didn’t even remember my birthday:,) Must be nice getting made fun of. Half the students in my class felt my second hand embarrassment from when he completely forgot about it. God, why am I even in love with this asshole? I’m gonna have to go to school tomorrow and deal with all my classmates making fun of me for being hopeless. Brb, currently digging a hole for myself:)

Frowning at the memory, you think back to when you were twelve. He was an asshole then, still is an asshole to this day. And yet not an ounce of your unconditional love and support for him has faded. Grabbing a tissue, you wipe the remaining tears from your eyes, ignoring the dried tear stains on your cheek. Your hand slams onto the bedside table, lazily feeling for your phone. Tilting it towards your face, you sigh at the empty lock screen, accepting defeat. Flicking through the rest of the book, you are welcomed by pages and pages of white. “So that’s when I gave up on this diary...” you mutter to yourself as you lift yourself up from your bed. Heading towards your desk, you absentmindedly grab yourself a pen, notebook in hand. Slamming the diary down, you open it up to the next entry page after your last one, gently placing the tip of your pen on the first line. You grab your hair out of frustration, the ink bleeding into the thin paper. “What to do, what to do...?” You mumble, starting to form sentences in your notebook.

July 17, 2020

Dear Diary,

It’s been a while hasn’t it? Holy shit, all my entries were about Tsukki weren’t they? Jesus, of course they were. At least I was able to get it off my chest this afternoon. Telling him that I’ve been in love with him for years, that was fucking terrifying. Telling him that although I know he’s an ass, an animatronic dick complete with ballsack, that won’t stop me from falling harder, it was gut wrenching, but also relieving to a certain degree. I’m still waiting for some form of response, although I’m not sure I’m gonna get one anytime soon. I can’t decide whether telling him was the dumbest or bravest decision I’ve made. Maybe it was both. Just wait until I look back on this entry like a decade later and still cry about it lmao. Tbh he’s a genuinely nice person at heart. I know that all too well. He may be an ass most the time, and he may think I’m annoying, but despite how hard he tries to push me away, I’ll never abandon him. Jesus Christ, I sound like a yandere here, but it’s not that. It’s that I care for him a lot. Maybe even a bit too much. It’s ridiculous how absolute and utter shit a crush can make you feel.

Throwing the pen down, you flop back onto your bed, huffing into the thick blankets. You stay silent, not sure of what to think of the situation. “I’ll just deal with it all tomorrow, I’m tired of this shit.”

On the other side of the incident, Tsukishima is currently going through a mental crisis.

The blond sits at his desk, eyes unwavering, but focusing on nothing. It feels as if he hasn’t blinked in what seemed to be hours. Just hours of staring at his wall that led to nothing. Your confession plays in his head nonstop, like a broken record that refused to run out of battery.

“The thing is I like you. I’m pretty sure I always have. And I know that you’re such an asshole and all that, you won’t treat me as well as people would expect, but it’s fine. I’m fine with all that. All the dumb, stupid, careless insults you’ll throw at me, the side eyes and sneers, telling me to shut up and go away, I’m fine with it. I know you’re a good person, and that’s all that matters to me.”

“Well shit what the fuck do you want me to say?”

Maybe he shouldn’t have said that.

Maybe he should have let you down slowly.

But as he stares at his wall, the photos of the two of you framed and balanced on his floating shelves, he starts to reconsider his feelings.

The way your expression faltered then as you hastily took your bag and rushed away without a single word, the way you avoided him in the halls, the way you stopped talking to him throughout the day, it drove him crazy. He couldn’t handle the realisation that he hurt you so incredibly badly, so now all he can do is stare at his empty, blank wall. Did he know why he felt that way? No. He didn’t and still doesn’t. He’s Tsukishima fucking Kei, the emotionless, provoking, unlikeable king, yet a mere girl is somehow able to mess with his mind so badly, that all he can do is wallow in regret and confusion? What is this weird feeling? His throat itches, his heart is beating like crazy, sweat starting to gather around his temples. He clamps his two hands together, slamming his forehead onto them and squeezing his eyes shut.

How could I have been so dense?

How was he unable to see that you were absolutely in love with him? Even with the bento boxes, birthday gifts, constant compliments, he still only ever thought you liked him as a friend. However he never did. He likes you more than that. Way more. Yes, he thought, and still thinks you can be annoying at times, especially when you nag at him about not eating enough or being rude, but it was undeniable that there was something else he felt. But his stupid ass shitty ego would never let him admit it. And now that you finally confessed, he freaked out and fucked up. Even then, he didn’t think it would affect him to this extent.

“It was a stupid middle school crush, I’m over you (Y/N).”

He says that over and over again, desperate to cloud out the disagreeing thoughts in his head that scream otherwise.

“It was a stupid middle school crush, I’m over you.”

The guilt didn’t go away.

In fact, now that he’s said all that, he feels even worse. Oh how much he wants to find you right this second, wrap you in his arms, tell you how incredibly sorry he is, but he can’t. He doesn’t deserve to do that. His heart is begging for him to just get out of the house and run to yours as fast as he could, but his body won’t move. He wants to cry. Scream. Shout. Throw something. Shatter something. But most of all, he wants to get another chance.

Picking up his phone, he hesitates, before typing in your contact, the cleared out, empty chatroom showing up on his screen. Going as fast as his fingers could, he typed out the one sentence he’s been dying to let out.

“It was a middle school crush, but I’m still into you. I always have been.”

Is it just me, or is this bad-

Idk man it seems like all my fics are pretty much the same and I hate it😌

Tags:

@sunshines-and-tatertots @izzyphantomgamer @justachillgirl @trashcanweeb @just-another-bored-writer @poppirocks @majorfangirl37 @kaylacinderella @random-fandomlover @tiger1719 @tiredgr3mlin @itmekisuu @skyeackermans @talks-a-lot-of-stuff @shoutsukii @agentvicinity @sakusasgarbage @kuroo-thought-of-a-better-un @sneezefiction @bokutokoutarou @thirstyvolleyballhoe @iwaixiumi @iwaigroomi @inlwlevi

Feel free to comment or pm to be added to taglist!

I’m back to writing lmao I’m bored in two week quarantine rn

Edit: cue me realising I was half asleep and missed something in the request don’t be surprised if I repost this💀💀💀💀

Btw the hq manga just ended time to cry

💕💕💕💕

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tintinwrites · 4 years

Text

i’d rather be lonely | Javier Peña x Reader | Part Nine

A/N: I’m guessing y’all enjoyed the previous part!

Rating: 18+

Warning: Oral (F receiving). Naughty words. Mentions of a scar.

Word count: 2,849, apparently!!

Summary: You and Javier talk about what the two of you are doing.

Masterlist

GIF credit: @damerondjarin

Tags: @thedevilwearsvibranium @bisexual-space-slut @thirsty-flygirl @shadow-assassin-blix @damndamer0n @huliabitch @damerondjarin @perropascal @mylifeliterally @no-thanks-lol @dee-vn @jenniferdaniels12 @cinewhore @lokiaddicted @justabeautiful-letdown @shakespeareanwannabe @lackofhonor @katialvi @fangirl-on-bitches @im-an-angel-of-the-lord-you-ass@darkbluenovember

-------------------------

You woke up to lips pressing slowly down your side and you smiled, knowing full well who was in your bed and being happy about it.

You and Javier had so much to make up for that you invited him back to your place where you fumbled in the dark then laid there in a tangle of limbs where you fell asleep together.

It was the first time in a long time that he’d stayed when sleeping with somebody, but you were different.

His eyes were hooded with sleep and lust when you turned your head to look at him, immediately trailing down to your breasts the moment you moved from your stomach to lay on your side.

“Good morning,” you said pleasantly, perhaps you would’ve been uncharacteristically giddy if you weren’t thinking about how you were going to need to talk about why you’d slept with the man you supposedly hated.

“Morning.” He leaned in to kiss you and even with your worry, you couldn’t help but kiss him back because he was good at it.

When his lips trailed down your chin, along your jaw, down your neck, moving towards your chest, you reluctantly put a hand on his shoulder to push him back. He obeyed the command without hesitation, but there was something in his eyes; concern, maybe, that you hated him again and it was just some sex to put all that pent up emotion somewhere.

Fuck, why did that make his chest squeeze like that when he’d done this with so many women before?

“I’ve been...I know I’ve probably been really frustrating to you and I want to talk this out with you to see what...what are we doing?” You finally asked, sitting up and grabbing the sheet from your lap to cover the breasts he’d been sucking on at one point.

“I don’t know...every time I think we’re doing one thing, you turn it around on me.” He propped up on his elbows, not meeting your eyes because he knew this conversation was necessary, but it was still awkward and something he didn’t often do.

“That’s what I mean, and I think I owe you an explanation that...that...when…” You closed your eyes for a moment, then looked at him even if he wasn’t looking at you. “When I was...shot...I saw the side of you that I didn’t want to, I saw that you were caring and thoughtful, and I liked that. I started thinking about how much of a mistake it was to assume things about you, how it might be nice to try and be friends or more, and then I went to your apartment and…”

“Ah, fuck.” He ran his hand through his hair, sitting up a little bit more. “I was wondering if that’s what this was about, because you saw me with her and I showed myself to be the jackass you knew I was.”

“No, Javi...seeing you with a prostitute when we were growing closer hurt and I...instead of letting myself be hurt, I went back to hating you because it was easier.” You picked at the finely sewn threads of the sheet awkwardly.

“Oh.” Javier simply didn’t know what to say to this, though there was something about you being hurt by the idea of him being with someone else that made him almost happy in a stupid way, knowing he was right when you mentioned more with you and that you genuinely wanted him.

The two of you fell silent for a long moment before he asked you,

“So, you wanna go back to hating me?” It was partly a joke and partly a genuine question.

“No, I don’t, but...I know this is usually a one time thing for you, so if you want to pretend we never did anything, then that’s fine, and I promise to be civil to you because I understand sex doesn’t make you a bad person seeing as I—” Your eyes widened when he pressed his lips to yours, then you slowly let them flutter shut as you kissed him back.

He pulled away after a moment and just admired the passion you put into the kiss, how your lips were still slightly pursed as if waiting for more. “I’m not that much of an asshole and...fuck, I don’t know, I want more than one night with you.”

You looked at him with a dreamy look in your eyes like you’d longed for him, which a part of you did, and you reached up to run your thumb across his chin. “Be straight with me, Javi, and tell me what you want out of this.”

“Why don’t we just try this out and see where we end up?” He knew you were using his nickname a lot more and it sounded so natural, so beautiful. “If you hate me, then we can break things off, or maybe it’ll be something more. No pressure.”

“No pressure. That means if you realize it’s too much commitment, you can run away.” You smiled, though you honestly were a bit worried that he would be scared and decide to leave you and you might be in love with him at some point.

Could you fall in love with Javier?

That was an idea you would’ve laughed at until there were tears in your eyes not long ago, but now it seemed like you could.

Like you would.

You understood being afraid of relationships in this line of work and maybe you’d put those things off because of more than independence, but it would break your heart if he treated you the way he often treated other women, the very thing you’d hated him for without seeing the man beyond the womanizing.

You were afraid too, obviously, of being hurt, whether it was by abandonment or…

You tried not to think of how dangerous this could be even if DEA agents weren’t supposed to be touched. You’d been shot, for fuck’s sake, which could easily happen again or happen to Javier.

You were afraid of pain or being taken advantage of or being seen as an object or many other things for so long that you ignored so many advances and now you were opening yourself up to the very man you’d hated for making them, which was terrifying itself.

Javier noticed the look in your eyes, smirking slightly. “I know I said no pressure, I didn’t think you’d leave that quickly.”

You were so wrapped up in your thoughts of being afraid yet wanting this that it took you a moment before you realized he said something. “Huh? Oh...no, I, um...I was just thinking about how…”

“About how…?” He prompted, raising an eyebrow high.

“I thought it was better to be lonely and angry because I wouldn’t be hurt that way, to lash out because I didn’t want to be seen as just something to fuck or...something to leave. It was easy to hate you because I wouldn’t let you hurt me, but you still did because I wanted this and...and, I don’t know, I thought I was okay being alone because of my job, but…” You met his eyes. “I think I realized when I thought of more with you that I’d rather not be lonely, you know?”

He chuckled, understanding you even if he wasn’t going to admit it.

You weren’t even sure you made any sense with your emotions being terrified even though you wanted this, realizing how lonely you’d really been now that you’d let yourself want someone.

“No pressure,” you reminded him softly, then looked down. “Can we...keep this between us for now?”

“—sure.” His hesitation made you look up to quickly reassure him.

“I’m not ashamed of you, okay? I know you’re a good man, it’s just that I don’t really know if this is allowed, and we don’t even know what we are. I don’t wanna know what Steve will have to say about this. Fuck, or Alvarez.”

“Hey, it’s fine, you’re probably right that we should keep it a secret for right now.”

Both of you fell silent again because that was that; you wanted to try this out, no pressure, you’d figure it out along the way, and you would keep it a secret for now to avoid any unnecessary drama.

With that conversation out of the way, Javier was able to focus on the aspect of your relationship you’d indulged in.

“I think we can agree we’ll be having sex as we figure all this out, right?” His hand moved under the sheet, finding your bare hip.

“Uh, yes.” You couldn’t blame anyone who’d ever slept with Javier because he was as good as he made himself out to be.

“With all the shit we did last night, I don’t think we looked at each other.”

“—you’re right.”

Both of you definitely groped and fucked certain parts of each other, but you’d been mostly dressed at the office and you didn’t turn any lights on when you went back to your apartment.

“Show me.” He tugged on the sheet and you made a noise of protest, tightening your grip on it to hold it to your chest.

“No, you show me!” The idea of being naked in front of Javier Peña was nerve wracking because he’d been with so many people, and there was still some part of your brain that insisted you weren’t supposed to show yourself to this man even though you didn’t hate him and you’d let him inside you...and there was also this fear to show him that you weren’t...perfect.

He rolled his eyes and moved out of the bed with no shame whatsoever, standing there for you to see with his hands on his hips.

His shoulders were as broad out of his clothes as they were in them, yet the rest of him was fairly slim and you would guess fit since he ran so much. Your eyes were immediately drawn to the patch of hair between his legs that led to a part of him you knew was sizable when it was inside you, your eyes still widening at the sight anyway.

That look made his lips twitch into a lopsided smile, chuckling softly. “You know, you’re a lot more flattering when you don’t hate me.”

“Unfortunately you were sexy even when I thought I hated you,” you said without really thinking of your words, almost wistful as you let your eyes roam over him.

“Are you treating me like a sex object?” There was a joking lilt to his tone, mocking your behavior towards him lightheartedly since he understood you were just trying to remain professional in a job that worked against women when you’d railed into him.

“Yes.” It took you a moment to realize what you’d answered and you looked up at him for a moment in a way that made him think he might’ve just made you hate him again, but then you let out a laugh.

“Your turn.” He liked the sound of your laugh more than he wanted to admit, so he decided to change the subject with something he was happy to admit he liked.

You hesitated for all those aforementioned reasons, but it was only fair now that you’d seen him, so you slowly slid out from under the covers to stand on the other side of the bed.

His eyes went to your breasts and lingered for a long moment before moving down the rest of your body, lips parting at the sight of your pussy. It was fun to be inside it, obviously, but it was nice to see the place where he’d pounded into you.

Your hands were on your hips like his, but he noticed that one of your hands was over a little and he knew that was where you’d been shot.

He tried to meet your gaze only to find you were staring off to the side. He thought for a moment and then nodded towards you.

“Come here.” His words made you look at him and he stared hard, telling you he wasn’t kidding and you needed to listen to him.

It took a moment, but you slowly walked around the bed to stand in front of him, and he grabbed onto your wrist to gently pull your hand away from your hip.

You were definitely reluctant, staring down at the floor as he revealed the small scar on your hip that you were so unashamed of for some reason.

He could’ve told you that it was nothing, that you were sexy with or without it, that it would probably fade one day, but those types of things usually sounded like someone was just trying to be polite because they didn’t know what else to do.

So he looked at you until you met his eyes, then he moved to his knees and kept his gaze on yours as he pressed a slow, gentle kiss to the scar.

There were tears in your eyes and he wasn’t sure whether they were happy or not, hoping they were as you gently ran stroked over his hair.

His own hands slid up your thighs and moved to hold onto your hips, gently pushing you down to sit on the bed where he knelt between your legs.

“What are you doing?” Your legs opened wider almost of their own accord when he began pressing little kisses along your inner thighs.

He didn’t answer you, moving his hands down to lay them on the tops of your thighs, his thumbs going to your folds and pulling you open for a good look at your cunt. He let out a low groan at the sight of you, wasting no time in leaning in and pressing his face against you.

His tongue lapped and flicked at you, fast and firm, and you were crying out in mere moments from how good at this he was, knowing exactly where and how to touch you.

He would run his tongue up your slit then stop at your clit for a moment to suck on it, then go right back to licking at you, teasing you perfectly to turn you on that much faster.

Once he’d made you thoroughly wet and you were moaning out his name, he stopped teasing you and dipped his head down to shove his tongue into your entrance, fucking you with it as he nudged at your clit with his nose. It was amazing for those two areas of you to be stimulated at the same time and you tightened your grip on his hair, tugging hard.

“Fuck, Javi!” You couldn’t believe how easy it was for him to make you come even if this was the third time he’d be doing it, so close within a couple minutes when your other partners needed a lot of guidance.

Sometimes you had to do it yourself because they didn’t know what they were doing or didn’t care enough to try.

But not with Javier, who was thrusting his tongue into you with such precision that you were practically lifting up off the bed to press yourself to him.

It only turned you on more when you looked down to see him staring up at you darkly, obviously turned on himself based on the look in his eyes that basically told you how much he wanted to fuck you.

“I’m gonna come…” If anything, your words made him move his tongue faster inside you, one of his hands moving so he could rub his finger against your clit.

Your hips jerked and he groaned into you the moment your cunt clenched down on his tongue, continuing to lick into you as you came for him, lapping you up and letting you know how much he enjoyed the taste of you with little encouraging moans.

The way you jerked his head back when your orgasm faded and his touches were too much made his cock twitch, part of him liking that hint of dominance as he gazed up at you.

His lips and chin were shining from your wetness being all over him and you let go of him because the sight was turning you on all over again.

He smirked, leaning in to press a few more kisses to the scar on your hip.

“I think...I should probably return the favor.” Not only was being eaten out a rare occurrence for you, but he took the shame at your scar and made it go away so easily.

“Seriously?” He didn’t think you were the type, but he’d only really known you as a person who was seemingly always angry until recently and the look in your eyes told him you wanted to return the favor.

You nodded and he was on you, kissing you as you let out another beautiful laugh against his lips, pushing you down onto the bed.

Neither of you could believe you’d wasted so much time.

#javier peña x reader #javier pena x reader #javier peña imagine #javier pena imagine

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hey-hey-chan · 4 years

Text

The Protagonist - Hyunjin

❀ Slice of life

❀ Warning: mentions of death & covid-19

❀ Word count: 8k

❀ When your best friend Ryujin cheats on her boyfriend who you’re also friends with, you’re stuck to pick up the pieces of their relationship. When Ryujin starts pushing you away and Hyunjin starts keeping you close, you wonder who was a better friend to you in the first place and uncover new feelings you never knew you had.

❀ A/N: i know i haven’t written in like a year?? but i suddenly had inspiration to write. Honestly, I felt the inspiration after I didn’t get picked job opportunity I really wanted (and thought I was going to get). I was put on the waitlist, but it still hurt my ego. But, I had some other good news and you can read on my blog about it, but I still wanted to write. I didn’t really have anything in mind, but I just let my words take me where it needed to be. Also, don’t get used to me writing, I won’t be writing often or at all. I’m not that into skz anymore LOL

------

Do you ever feel like you’re not the protagonist of your own story?

Yeah, that’s how I feel everyday.

Especially today.

“Ok, on the count of three, we reveal our statuses ... one... two..”

“And three!”

I tore open the letter from my dream college, Seoul University, probably giving myself a paper cut in the process.

“OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, I GOT IN! I got in y/n, holy shit!” I heard my friend’s words over the speaker, but I just couldn’t get the stupid envelope open.

“Fuck this.” I grabbed the scissors nearby and cut the damn thing open, revealing a thin piece of white paper.

I regret to inform you that you have been...

I felt tears well up in my eyes instantly at the words “regret” and “inform”, already knowing where the letter is taking me.

“Y/N?? What does it say?!”

I cleared my throat. “I didn’t get in...”

I cried harder, silently, when I heard her moans of agony. “No fucking way! You’re a WAY better student than I am! There’s something wrong.”

I shook my head. I was a good student, but I wasn’t the best personality. I was only in two clubs: acapella club and bagel club. Not good enough for the best university in our city.

“It’s ok. I have plenty more universities I applied to, I’ll be ok. I’m so, so happy for you though! I swear you’re gonna have so much fun!”

My stomach churned as I said those words. Did I really mean them? I didn’t feel happy in the moment.

“Ugh, I hate this... I really thought we would be roommates!”

I set the pristine piece of paper on my desk; I didn’t even want to look at it anymore.

“Don’t worry about it. This could even be a good thing! We’ll meet new people and just widen our group of friends. It’ll be awesome. Plus, I’m too weird for this clean cut college.” I joked.

That made her laugh. “You’re right, they couldn’t handle your personality. Anyways, I got to go to drama club right now, talk later? And again, I’m really sorry y/n.”

I pursed my lips. “Talk later, and don’t worry about me!” I ended the phone call and let the tears fall freely from my eyes.

I knew this would happen.

How could I compete with a chemistry major with a 4.0 GPA and the president of 2 clubs with a bombass personality? I was nothing compared to her.

I picked up the piece of paper and took one good look at it before crumpling it into a ball and throwing it. The soft thud barely made a sound which was anticlimactic. I was trying to have an angsty teen moment here??

Sometimes I felt like I was just a side character in a movie or a book. I was that girl who watched her best friend experience all these things in life and you just stand by them and cheer them on. They are the ones who have a mental breakdown and somehow end up with the love of their life at the end.

That was my best friend, Ryujin.

She was the one that every guy and girl fell for. Her charisma bounced off walls and even made me dizzy at times. And it wasn’t even like she was the “girly-girl” that we see in movies, no no no, tomboys are much trendier nowadays. She was confident around guys and wasn’t afraid to embarrass herself in front of anyone. I was insanely jealous of her sometimes which I would never admit.

She’s funny and adventurous, pretty and athletic: she is everything I ever wanted to be in a person.

She even had the hottest guy in the school as her boyfriend, Hwang Hyunjin.

I, on the other hand, was the opposite of her. I wasn’t overly awkward and uncomfortable to be around like the protagonists of some books. I wasn’t even cold and hostile like the mysterious girl in fanfiction.

No, I was just completely and utterly average.

I wasn’t “ugly” or whatever that means. You wouldn’t cringe away if you saw me, but the only guys I attract on the streets are the ones who might follow me home. I was friendly to people I met and was the queen of small talk. I was girlier than I wanted to be and try to put on makeup, but end up with botched eyebrows and nonexistent mascara-- that didn’t stop me from trying though.

I cringed at every horror movie, I hate sports, I love astrology, and the only close friends I have are girls.

Well, the only friend I truly have is Ryujin and all her friends became mine.

Any who, I was the girl that if a story was written about her, it’d be about 2 minutes long. I never had any big failures or big achievements. No family issues or tragic past. Nothing. I was a normal girl with a normal life.

And now one who wouldn’t even be going to college with her best friend who she depends on for her social life. Oh yeah, I was a burden too. Now she can’t even be fully happy because of me.

Great, just great.

I felt a buzz near the bottom of my foot. I sighed and kicked it towards me.

‘Ok i wasnt going to ask you this, but i just have to. did you know?’ -hyunjin

I squinted my eyes, re-reading the message to see if I got that correctly. What the heck is he talking about?

‘what are you talking about?’

‘are you being serious?’ -hyunjin

Ok, now this is just weird. I sat up in my bed, suddenly interested in this conversation.

‘im being serious. i have no clue what you’re talking about. care to inform me?’

I sent the text, realizing this is probably the longest conversation Hyunjin and I have had over text. We often hung out in person in groups, since he was Ryujin’s boyfriend and we did have the occasional deep conversation, but talking like this was new territory.

‘im 100% sure ryu would tell her best friend that she cheated’ -hyunjin

Wait. What did he just say?

Suddenly I was standing, pacing around the room.

‘ok, i’ve officially lost whatever ur talking about. what the hell are you saying? ryujin did not’ I typed in confidence, but realized I shouldn’t immediately attack the victim. I erased the message and called him.

He picked up almost instantly.

“What the hell did you just say?” I heard him shift around, probably in his bed.

“I said, I’m sure that Ryujin would tell you if she cheated-”

“Ok, that, stop right there. You’re saying Ryujin cheated on you?” I felt my head spin.

Ryujin can’t be a cheater. That’s impossible. And plus, she would’ve told me if something was wrong in her perfect relationship.

I heard a loud chuckle on his side. “Wow, you really don’t know do you.” I shook my head, but I realized he couldn’t see me.

“Um, I really don’t, so I would really love it if you explained.”

“What’s there to explain? She came to my house two days ago and told me she was cheating on me with Jeongin. Yang fucking Jeongin, who is, yes, a grade younger than us!”

I winced at his volume. Hyunjin was a lot of things, but he definitely wasn’t a liar. Neither was Ryujin which is why I had no idea what was going on.

“You have anything to say?” He asked. But I was in complete shock.

“Well, um... I’m gonna talk to her about this. Bye, Hyunjin.” I hung up the phone and tossed it on the side of my bed despite his muffled talking.

What the fuck is going on?

-------

“I’m asking you a simple question, did you or did you not cheat on Hyunjin?”

After Ryujin came home from drama club, I was already there waiting at her door. She gave me a weird look since we live a good 20 minute walk away from each other, but yes, this conversation was worth the exercise.

“Excuse me, what did you just say?” She asked with a sassy tone, but I had no time for this bullshit.

“Did you cheat on Hyunjin? God Ryu, just answer the question!” I felt my face turning red and I knew I was losing my temper. I had no idea why I was so upset, but I just was.

I saw her features contort, and I knew I was going to hear the truth.

“Ok, yeah, yeah I did.”

My heart dropped.

We didn’t say anything to each other for a couple of seconds. It was like we were both taunting each other, which she doesn’t have the right to do in this moment.

“Are you serious? Why?” I asked incredulously.

She didn’t say anything yet walked passed me and straight to her door.

“Hey, what the hell?”

“Y/N, I cheated on him, what else is there to say? It’s done, it happened!” I almost flinched at her tone. It was bitter and angry and it was a tone I was used to with her.

“What the fuck? Ryu, why wouldn’t you tell me? And this is breaking Hyunjin’s heart-”

“You know what? I don’t have to tell you everything about my relationship! It has nothing to do with you. It doesn’t even matter, ok? I just don’t wanna talk about it.”

I stood silently, wondering who was this person in front of me.

“Fine, I’ll leave then.”

As I walked back to my house, I couldn’t help but feel like I was stuck in the protagonist’s drama once again.

-----

It was almost 1am when I got back home. Thankfully, my parents were asleep and thought I was staying the night at Ryujin’s like I told them. I snuck in the house and collapsed on my bed. This was too much emotion for one day.

I peered down at my phone and saw the light illuminate the room.

‘So. is your world shattered like mine?’ -hyunjin

I bit my lip. Was it weird to text my best friend’s ex-boyfriend like this? Technically, we were somewhat of friends too. So I’m not breaking any rules.

‘this is fucked up. im rly sorry man, she really didn’t tell me.’ I brushed my hands through my hair and felt the sweat sticking to it. I had walked back in the spring heat, it was too much.

‘Damn, I didn’t think she would pull something like that and not even tell YOU. that’s cold.’

‘tell me about it. we were just fine earlier today, dont know whats goin on with her.’ I hesitated before typing the next part. ‘also, i know we arent the closest and ik im also ryu’s friend, but im here for you bro. this is a messed up situation’

‘Thanks, that means a lot... most of my friends are making fun of me for getting cheated on... with a JUNIOR. disgusting.’

I snorted. ‘technically, if ryujin didn’t skip a grade, she’d be a junior too.’

‘y/n, pls don’t ruin this moment’

‘fine, fine, disgusting, she cheated on u with a junior. plus ur friends are felix and jisung who are also complete insensitive dickheads sometimes’

‘Thank you.’

I laughed. Hyunjin was always an interesting guy to hang out with. Sure we never texted or talked much, but he was always a joy to have around. He was quiet in school, but he was animated around his friends. And of course, an awesome boyfriend to Ryujin.

Seeing them together made me more aware of my singleness. He would open doors for her, give her his jacket when she was cold, pay for her meals, he even knew how to braid hair, like what the fuck? He was perfect.

And then she cheated on him.

And didn’t even tell me.

I rubbed my forehead. I was always a fixer. I fixed other people’s problems, which made me quite involved in their issues even if I shouldn’t be.

‘but seriously though, im rly sorry this happened to you...’

‘yeah ... a year down the drain. and plus, i got accepted to Seoul University with her today.’ My heart sank, even when I knew it shouldn’t.

Hyunjin was a smart guy, maybe a little too studious for his own good. He had lots of fun in high school, but made sure to go home early to events and not drink if he had a test the next day. He spent hours at the library at times and read in his free time, like me. Ryujin always hated it and thought we were too similar at times. Which is untrue because Hyunjin was way cooler than me.

‘If it makes you feel any better, I didn’t get accepted’

‘That actually did not make me feel better and made me even sadder because what the fuck?? you’re an amazing student!’

That made me smile of course, the valedictorian was complimenting my intellect.

‘aha thanks, i’ll probably end up going to incheon uni which isn’t too far from here so i’ll be ok’

‘That’s good, maybe i should consider going since half the senior class is going to seoul lol’

I scoffed. “hyunjin, don’t give up your dream uni just because ryujin will be there. you probably wont see her as often as u think’

‘If I decided not to go there, it won’t be because of Ryujin. But seriously, I rarely try anything new and i feel like i’m confined to a small group of people. At least at Incheon, I’ll know less people.”

I sighed loudly. Oh Hyunjin, it must suck to get a mental breakdown right before going to college. It happens to the best of us though.

‘well ok, where ever you go, i’ll know you’ll thrive!!’

‘:) thanks y/n. also, ik we dont talk much, but i really do appreciate you.’

Well, that warmed my heart... and my cheeks.

The fact that I was texting my friend’s ex boyfriend snapped me back into reality. And the fact that she cheated on him.

I gulped.

‘aw thanks hyunjin, i appreciate you too. Now get some sleep! it’s almost 2am’

I didn’t get a response back, and I hoped he fell asleep. I changed into my pajamas and did my nightly routine and fell asleep to thoughts of my friend’s ex-boyfriend.

------

I woke up to several buzzes that tickled my side. I grunted and threw the blanket off of me. I found my phone that was flung somewhere and picked it up. I turned off the notifications to stop the constant moving.

“It’s too freaking early for this.” I moaned.

I rubbed my eyes and peered down at the message.

‘hey im sorrrryyy for lashing out yesterday. i just feel guilty about the whole thing and i was afraid to tell you... also i think im in love with jeongin’ -ryujin

My eyes naturally widened at this confession.

Love? Ryujin dated Hyunjin for a whole year! How could she fall in love with Jeongin so easily??

‘excuse me?? what the fuck did you just say cuz i think u just said u LOVE jeongin??’

‘stfu. just hear me out, he’s a great guy and he’s just... normal’ -ryujin

Ok, time to call this bitch.

“Define normal?” I heard her sigh and adjust in her bed. She’s always been an early riser.

“Just, when I was dating Hyunjin, it felt like it had to be this perfect relationship. We were all friends before and it just seemed right that we dated. He was super nice and perfect and not to mention, hot, but it just felt superficial. I don’t know.”

Well this was new. Ryujin never told me much about the problems in their relationship and I thought everything was going well. Well, until now.

“I mean, I get that, you shouldn’t have to date anyone you don’t like. But, you should’ve broken up with him before!”

“You think I don’t know that? I made a mistake, ok? Can you just get off my back about it?”

There’s that temper again.

“Are you serious? You’re the one who texted ME in the morning.”

“I’m just, whatever.” She paused in between her words. “You just wouldn’t understand ‘cause you’ve never been in a relationship! I just can’t describe it, ok?” And on that note, I just hung up the phone. I was in no mood to play these games with her emotional roller coasters.

I bit my lip, knowing she would probably call me more times for hanging up on her, but I wasn’t in the mood. I was caught in between two of my friends, and I knew who was in the right and who was treating me better.

I saw my phone light up a few more times, which made me curious as to what she was sending me.

‘Hey, do you wanna have breakfast with me this morning?’ -hyunjin

I raised a brow. This was not the message I was expecting.

‘only if you’re paying’

‘deal’

-----

Soft r&b played from the speakers as I sipped from my small cup of apple juice, yes, I still drink apple juice.

“So, how are you feeling?” I finally asked the boy.

He was wearing a black tshirt and jeans and his hair was messier than usual. I could tell he wasn’t getting lots of sleep.

“As good as I can be.” He shuffled around in his chair like he had more to say. “Just, it’s still crazy to me. Getting cheated on... it’s a whole new feeling.”

I nodded, but I couldn’t relate to it.

“Yeah...” I trailed off, not really knowing what to say or how to cheer him up.

We locked eyes suddenly and I grew shy. Hyunjin was always hot in my eyes, even though I pretended he wasn’t, for my friend’s sake. And for mine.

“What did she say when you talked to her?”

I laughed. “She totally flipped on me and told me to leave. I have no idea what’s going on with her right now. She’s lashing out for no reason.” I confessed.

“Yeah, she’s acting more temperamental lately. She always had a temper but this time... this time it’s out of control.”

I nodded, understanding what he was talking about. Ryujin was a feisty girl with lots of emotions. I respect her for being in tune with her emotions, but sometimes her actions go too far. Most guys thought it was hot though.

“Anyways, I don’t want to talk about her anymore. What about you? Any relationship problems?”

I forced a small smile. “Nope, all the guys that were ‘into me’ were trying to use me to get to her.”

Hyunjin took a bite out of his sandwich and shook his head. “Stone cold Slytherin.” I laughed at that one.

“Stone cold Slytherin indeed.”

“You know, Ryu has never watched any of the Harry Potter movies?? Which is crazy because I swear the first time we talked to each other it was about what Hogwarts house we would be in.”

I nodded slowly. “Yes, yes I do know that my best friend has never watched the movies. And it pains me everyday.” He rolled his eyes at my teasing tone. “Also, I think that’s because you guys met in Mrs. Park’s English class which I also happened to be in. Remember, we all were friends first?”

I thought back to those days, those simpler times. Hyunjin and Ryujin only dated for a year, but they’d known each other since our first year of high school. We were all somewhat of friends, more like acquaintances. But one day, their friendship just went to the next level.

Hyunjin nodded his head slowly. “Yeah, you’re right. Ryujin isn’t as nerdy as you.” I scoffed, knowing that was not true. I was the dumbest in the friend group.

“Alright, whatever you say.” I was out of witty banter.

We called for the check and walked slowly to his car. For a moment, we just seemed like two friends. Two kids from school who were eating breakfast together.

But we weren’t really. I was his ex-girlfriend’s best friend. And he was the guy my best friend cheated on.

And we were both losing a person who was ignoring us.

“This is me. See you sometime?” His expression was hard to read and I didn’t know if he was saying this just to be kind or if he actually meant it. Either way, I didn’t care.

“Sure. See you.” I waved at him awkwardly and he gave me a small wave back.

-------

A few weeks went by and soon, Ryujin and I were back to normal. I still texted Hyunjin quite often, but Ryujin didn’t know that. It’s not like I was lying to her, but I didn’t feel like she needed to know. It’s not like we were going behind her back and doing anything. He just needed a friend, and so did I.

The whole world was on lockdown and school got shut down early. Everyone was locked in their homes and told to keep a distance from each other in public. My electricity bill was off the charts and I was living off of Netflix for entertainment. Sometimes Ryujin came over, but she was the only one I really saw. She was an only child, so I pitied her.

“Ok, this one or this one?” She held up two outfits that were completely different. One was a dark green shirt that tied in the front and sparkly paired with black jeans that flared slightly at the bottom. The other was a pink blouse with flowers paired with a blue denim skirt.

I looked up from my phone and sat up on the ground.

“That dark green one, it compliments your skin tone and the jeans are cute.” She nodded and tossed the other on her bed.

“Great, Jeongin will love this.”

“Are you sure he understands fashion? He’s like 12.” I felt a pillow hit me face in an instant, but the comment was worth it. The age jokes never got old.

“Shut up! He’s the same age as me, only a grade younger. You know because I skipped a grade.” She bragged. I rolled my eyes and went back to playing on my phone.

“Okay~ Whatever you say. I’m just saying, your boobies hanging out might confuse him-”

She gave me a glare to shut me up from finishing. I shrugged and looked down at my phone.

“Should you even be hanging out with him? We aren’t supposed to hang out with people during this time.”

Ryujin snorted. “It’s my boyfriend, am I supposed to ignore him? I’d rather die.” I rolled my eyes are her insensitive statement. “Plus, aren’t we hanging out right now? You’re not my family.” Ouch, I’d always considered Ryujin family, but I guess she didn’t feel the same.

“That’s different. We’re best friends and I consider you my sister, since you don’t have one.” I spat. She narrowed her eyes at me and I saw the wheels turning in her head to clap back.

“Whatever, these rules are impossible."

I stayed quiet for a little bit, but I had so much to say.

“What? If you have something to say, spit it out.” Wow, was her aggressive tone always this annoying?

I threw up my hands in aggravation. “Fine, I just think you’re moving on too fast from Hyunjin. You just broke up with him-”

“I cheated on him.”

“Ok, you cheated on him. Shouldn’t you wait a little longer to get into a relationship? It’s ... It’s sort of cruel.”

She narrowed her eyes at me but her eyes softened.

“Look, what happened happened already. He knows I have feelings for someone else. I have to live for myself, ok? I’ll see you later.”

She left the room and I knew that was my queue to leave her house.

I picked up my phone and checked my messages before I left. I only had one, how popular of me.

‘what are you doing right now?’ -hyunjin

I furrowed my brows. His timing was impeccable.

‘um... nothing now. why?’

‘can you meet up rn?’

My eyebrows rose in surprise. Mr. Rule Follower wants to break the rules of quarantine? Interesting.

‘... we aren’t supposed to hang out unnecessarily right now.’ I reminded him, just in case he forgot.

I stood from Ryujin’s floor and started to look for my car keys. The perks of being the youngest sibling is that I was given my older brother’s car when he went off to college. Sadly, he’s back, but we share the car.

‘my mom is sick. shes getting tested today’

I froze.

You never expect those words to come out of your friend’s mouth.

‘where r u?’

------

I got in my car and booked it. It’s like I was moving faster than I could think.

Hyunjin’s parents were divorced and he lived with his father, so I knew he was safe to be around. But still, he saw his mom during the summers and occasionally throughout the year. They were close.

I drove up to his house and saw him sitting there with his head buried in his arms.

“Shit.”

I parked on the side of the road and ran out as soon as I could. He jolted up when he heard the slam of my car.

“y/n-”

I grabbed him and immediately pulled him into a hug. I wasn’t sure why I did it, but it felt right.

“It’s ok, it’s going to be ok.” I said before I could think. I wasn’t sure she was going to be ok, or if he was going to be ok, but he didn’t need to know that.

I felt him shake as tears he sobbed into my shoulder.

“She’s so old, y/n. I’m so scared. I hope she doesn’t have it. I fucking hope so bad.” I squeezed him tighter. Tears fell slowly from my eyes as I felt his pain.

“I’m sorry. We’ll be ok. It’ll be ok.” I rubbed his back soothingly and sat on the steps with him when he calmed down.

“I’m sorry for being such an emotional mess right now, I hope you weren’t anywhere important when I texted you. Honestly, I called Ryujin first but she didn’t pick up.” He mumbled the last part.

I frowned, but realized why she didn’t pick up.

“You look guilty, why?”

I thought about lying to him, but what was the use?

“I was actually at her house when you texted me... she was getting ready to go on a date with Jeongin.” I admit.

I saw his face contort and he let out a few strangled cries. I pulled him closer to me and felt his head on my shoulder.

“I’m sorry, I told her not to go.”

“Why? We broke up already. She made her choice.”

He took a small glance at him. His face was red and puffy; his sleep schedule was also not getting better. I knew that because we always texted at 1am.

“I know my opinion doesn’t matter, but I think she made the wrong one.”

He turned to face me and we locked eyes.

Usually with other guys, I’m skittish and sometimes awkward. I wanted to get away from them as soon as I could. But with Hyunjin, I felt at peace. I felt comfortable with him, safe even.

The boy gave me a small smile and patted me on the back. He rested his head on my shoulder again.

“Your opinion always matters, and thank you. For everything.”

“It’s not a problem.” I pet his head like I’ve seen in movies. I don’t think I’ve ever comforted a guy besides my brother. And my brother did not like to get his hair pet.

I guess Hyunjin didn’t either when he shot up. I gave him a startled look.

“What-”

“It is a problem. Why do you run to everyone who needs help, y/n?”

I froze in my spot, not knowing what to say.

“Um, I don’t know. I guess I’m just good at helping people. I like comforting people. I like making people happy.” I tried to cheer him up. I did not want him to feel like he was a burden.

Hyunjin moved out of my grasp and faced me.

“Doesn’t it get tiring though? I’ve never seen you get sad about something. And you got rejected from your dream college that we’ve been talking about for years. Still, nothing.”

I laughed and looked away. This conversation was getting too focused on me and I wanted to shift the topic immediately.

“Um, well of course I get sad. It’s just I deal with my emotions better when I’m alone. I don’t mind people seeing me sad I just want alone time when I’m upset.” That was a good answer.

He wasn’t buying it though.

A calming silence washed over us for a short moment. He kicked a small rock to the side and it trickled down the steps.

“Why do I feel like that’s a cop out answer?”

I was about to give him a snarky response, but I saw the pain in his eyes. He wanted to be distracted from his pain and wanted to focus on me.

“Do you ever feel like you’re just a side character of someone else’s story?” I blurt out. Immediately, I felt like I shared too much about myself, but I couldn’t take it back.

His silence made me anxious. So anxious.

I started to shake my leg, a nervous habit I had. Suddenly, he placed a gentle hand on my leg to stop it from shaking.

“Bad habit. Also, I guess I haven’t before. Because we are actually the protagonists of our own story. Even you.” He peered deeply into my eyes to get his point across. I gave him a weak smile because I knew he wanted to cheer me up. But I didn’t need cheering up, I accepted that I wasn’t protagonist material. I accepted it a long time ago.

But he didn’t need to know that.

“You’re right. I’m being silly.”

“Oh c’mon, y/n. You’re not being silly. You’re an amazing person. Total main character material!” I raised my brow but said nothing. He knocked gently on my head. “What’s going on in that head of yours?”

So many things were going through my head. Including the fact that if I were main character material, I wouldn’t be sitting here with him right now. I’d be on some date with a cute guy. And then the whole situation would blow up in my face. And I would learn from it. And everyone would forgive me except maybe one or two people, but I would be ok with that because I learned from my mistakes and am a better person.

But that’s not me. I don’t make mistakes. I pick up the pieces of those who make mistakes. I fix them. I heal them. I’m the one who makes the main character realize they’re a shitty person.

“Too many things, Hyunjin. Too many things.” I whispered.

We said nothing for a while until he wrapped his arms around me.

“I hope your mom is ok.” I quietly said as I rested my head on his shoulder.

“Yeah, I hope so too. And I hope you realize your worth one day.”

------

‘she’s not sick!! the tests came back negative!! WOOO! party at my house... ok virutal party lol’ -hyunjin

I cheered alone in my room. The test results came back pretty quickly yet it seemed like forever ago when Hyunjin cried in my arms. And we ended up spending the whole day together after I vented my feelings to him. But that’s besides the point.

‘that’s awesome bro!!!! im so happy !!!!!!’

‘:) Thanks for being the best friend i have right now lol’ -hyunjin

I paused at the words ‘best friend’. I knew he didn’t mean best friend, but it still made me smile.

Honestly, it was pretty cool being friends with Hyunjin and I wished that we were closer friends sooner. I guess I didn’t want to get too close in case him and Ryujin broke up. I didn’t know I’d be comforting him and not her.

‘ofc. u deserve happiness hyunjin’

He didn’t respond for a couple of minutes which concerned me. He would usually tell me if he was busy, but he just left suddenly.

I tried not to think much about it so I set my phone on my table. I kept peering down at my phone every few minutes, but still nothing.

I pulled out a good book and started to read a few pages.

“y/n! I think your friend is here.”

I furrowed my brows and closed my book with a pink bookmark keeping my page.

“Friend? Didn’t know Ryujin was coming over.” I whispered. “Ok dad, I’ll be there!” I threw off blanket and opened the door. I shuffled to the front door and opened it. I ignored my dad’s weird looks as he made his way back to his room.

Once I opened the door, I saw not Ryujin, but Hyunjin.

His face was bright and I couldn’t help but smile back. His happiness was contagious, which is why he was so well-liked.

He finally fixed his hair that was getting long due to the quarantine, but it suit him. He wore gray shorts with a sweater on top.

I was suddenly aware of the gray shorts I had on.

“Hey, we’re matching.” I said lamely. He laughed with his eye smile which was his best look. “What are you doing here?”

“Wow, I’m hurt, no hello Hyunjin, I hear you come bearing good news.”

I laughed. “You texted me said good news.”

“I know, but I was wondering if you wanted to hang out right now...?” I crossed my arms and leaned against the door.

“Hyunjin, we aren’t supposed-”

“I know, I know, but I’m bored! I’m an only child too you know and I only live with my dad who hasn’t gone anywhere. And neither have I unless to see you. I know you follow the rules, so you’ve probably only seen Ryujin besides your immediate family.”

I hesitated, wondering if it was the right thing to do. My heart was saying yes, but my brain wasn’t sure.

“Just go, honey. Just be safe.” My dad’s voice boomed. I looked back and saw him giving a thumbs up.

“Really dad?” He nodded.

“Yes, but sure not to come in contact with any other people.”

I held my pinky up, and I noticed Hyunjin was holding his up too.

“Promise.”

------

The roads were so empty.

“You make me! Feel like I’m living a, TEENAGE DREAM!”

Hyunjin and I bumped to Katy Perry bops as we drove through a deserted city.

“Don’t ever look back! Don’t ever look back~”

“My heart stops!! When you look at me!” I sang.

“Just one touch, now baby I believe~” He playfully poked me.

“This! Is! Real! So take a chance and don’t ever look back~” I finished.

He turned down the volume as we reached our destination.

An empty parking lot.

“Aw, how romantic.” I joked.

“Sorry, not much places were open.” He gave me a small smile as he parked the car and rolled down the windows. We didn’t get out in case other people were around.

I unbuckled my seat belt and turned to him. He was already staring at me.

“I’m really, really happy about your mom,” I said finally. He smiled, I had never seen him this happy for almost a month now, ever since Ryujin cheated on him.

“Thank you. Also, thank you for being there when I needed you.”

I thought back to a few days ago when he was sobbing in my arms. I felt my heart shatter for him. I loved his mom too, she was always around when we were at school and was just a ball of light.

“It’s no problem.”

"Right, because you’re ‘a side character’.” He used quotation marks with his fingers to get the point across.

I rolled my eyes and pushed him. “Stop! It’s true though.”

He looked at me again, his eyes saying “explain”.

“Stop giving me that look. It’s completely obvious.”

“Tell me again, how is this obvious? Because, I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but all of your thoughts are yours. You see things from YOUR eyes, your point of view, and whatever. Your life is your life; no one else is the main character y/n.”

I hated when he said my name so much. It reminded me too much of myself. I always made sure to use people’s names in sentences to show that I knew their name and to make them feel special. I knew what he was trying to do. I hated that it was working.

“Look, if I was the main character of my own story, then why would my only purpose right now to be helping yours and Ryujin’s?”

He flinched at my words.

“What?”

I sighed, feeling uncomfortable again when the topic was focused on me.

“You know what I mean. For months now, it feels like all I do is to help Ryujin’s character development. And maybe even yours. She’s the one who makes shitty decisions, I’m the one who fixes them for her. She says stupid things, and I’m the one who makes her apologize. She even gets accepted into Seoul University, leaving me behind. I just feel like everyone is accelerating and changing while I’m static! I’m the same as I was in freshman year, sophomore, junior and now senior. I’m the same person!”

Hyunjin stayed silent while I ranted. My chest rose and fell from my heavy breathing and my cheeks were dusted with pink.

“Also, if I wasn’t a side character, would I be here, hanging out with you, to help you get over my best friend cheating on you?”

He had no response for my words. And I knew he wouldn’t because he knew I was right. I was the push to get them back together. I was probably going to get a text or a call sometime by Ryujin while she begs for them to get back together. Or to ask me to fix this whole situation.

I was right.

“You really think I ask you to hang out so much because I want your help to get over Ryujin?”

His accusing tone shocked me, and it made me nervous.

I tried not to focus on the police cars passing by and calmed my nerves.

“Um... yeah, why...”

He wasn’t looking at me initially, like he was focusing on something outside of the car.

“Y/N, I ask you to hang out so much because I like hanging out with you.” He confessed.

At my lack of words, he kept going and ran his fingers through his hair.

“Just... this is hard to say... but I-I feel like I made a mistake dating Ryujin.” He blurted. This definitely got my attention.

“What??”

“Please let me finish.” The desperation in his eyes lulled me to listen.

“We were a good couple at first, but the chemistry wasn’t there. We never clicked. We didn’t talk about the same things and we could never have a deep conversation. Everything we talked about was so surface level or about her problems. She was fun to be with and a great girl while it lasted, but it wasn’t like when we hung out, even when I was still dating Ryu, we got along better.

We could talk about conspiracy theories and weird things in history like it was normal! You were always the first one I talked to when I read a new book or if I learned a cool fact. I could never do that with her and I hate that I just realized it after we broke up. And when I started to hang out with you.

It was always you all long, y/n. It was always you.”

What on earth was going on right now? This isn’t supposed to happen. I was supposed to fix this relationship-

“Ok, I see you’re kind of freaking out. And it’s freaking me out, please say something.”

My leg wasn’t even shaking, that’s how numb I was at this conversation.

“I-” my voice trailed off, like I couldn’t get the words out.

“I have a lot to think about. I’m sorry, I can’t... I-” Tears filled my eyes. I didn’t know what was going on. This stuff never happened to me. Am I supposed to give an answer right away? That’s impossible! I need to talk to Ryujin first and maybe my brother and then just ignore the whole situation.

“It’s fine, take as long as you need.”

The drive back was silent, contrary to what it was before. I regret not taking my own car. I regret even hanging out with him in the first place.

As soon as we got to my house, I got out.

“Thanks for the ride.” I mumbled, because I still had manners.

“Hey y/n.”

I paused and turned around, mortified of what he was to say next.

“I meant everything I said when I said it has always been you. I think.. I think if you think about our memories together, you’ll see that.

I just.. I just needed you to know that.”

I nodded slowly, unsure of what to say.

Then he was gone.

-------

My first reaction was to eat my pain away, but I couldn’t even finish my banana.

Ryujin would never forgive me for dating her ex boyfriend right? That’s girl code 101. Even if she did cheat on him. Or does that cancel out if she cheated?

I downed a cup of water in anger.

“Woah, slow down there, you don’t want to drown yourself.” I slammed the cup down and glared at my older brother.

“Chan, please. I’m not in the mood right now.” I tried stomping away from him, but he kept talking. Like always.

“Uh oh, is it because of your boy? I can beat him up if you want.” I felt my cheeks turn red.

“No! Don’t beat him up. And he’s not my boy. He’s Ryujin’s.” I muttered.

“Wooo what? That’s a plot twist! Dad said he was completely smitten with you though. And Dad’s usually never wrong about boys and their feelings. He’s a therapist you know-”

“I know who my father is, thank you very much! And, ugh, God, I can’t even.” I couldn’t even make it to my room before I collapsed on the floor.

In the blink of an eye, Chan was sitting next to me. “Woah there, okay, this is some teenage angst I don’t know how to deal with anymore.”

Anger rushed through my body at his words. And I’m not sure why.

“Shut up! I don’t have teen angst! I don’t have any problems, ok? Just Ryujin cheated on this guy. And now I don’t know what to do!”

Chan was silent for a moment, unusual for a person like him.

“What? What do you mean what do you do?”

“I mean, how do I fix it?”

Chan laughed. “Fix what?”

“Fix their problems, are you not understanding what is going on here?”

Chan stood up, then picked me up. I would usually struggle but he plopped my on the couch, so I was ok with him... for now.

“Y/n, it isn’t your job to fix other people’s problems. How about you focus on your own right now?”

I peered down at my hands, embarrass to tell him what was going on in my life. I felt like such a trader. I helped my friend her whole life and suddenly, I was catching feels for her ex-boyfriend.

I opened my mouth to speak, but I got cut off my a buzz in my pocket. Then I got like 10 more. I pulled my phone out and saw the texts from Ryujin.

‘i think i made a mistake’

‘i dont like jeongin that much anymore’

‘hes not a gentleman like hyunjin!! he doesnt even pull out my chair when i sit or open doors for me. plus jeongin is lowkey childish and he is always pulling pranks on me!’

‘tell me what 2 do?? how do i fix this?!!??!!?’

‘also my parents are fighting again and it’s sooooo irritating !!!!’

‘sos 911 aaahhhh’

“Who is it? What do they say?” Chan asked curiously. I shoved him away from reading my phone.

“They’re from Ryujin. She’s already regretting dating Jeongin. The guy she cheated with Hyunjin on.” I wasn’t sure the sentence made sense, but Chan would understand.

Chan’s eyes widened. “Damn, dick move.” I gritted my teeth.

“And now, she misses Hyunjin. She says Jeongin doesn’t compare to Hyunjin who is nice and a gentleman. And her parents are fighting again. I got to go help.” I stood up to grab my keys, but Chan stopped me.

“Tell me why you were upset earlier.”

His stern voice shook me.

“Y/n, tell me.”

Suddenly, my tears were unable to hide and fell freely onto my cheeks. Chan’s face didn’t soften, but he let go of my arm.

“Tell-”

“Fine! Hyunjin told me he liked me. And that he regretted ever dating Ryujin.”

I fell down on the couch while Chan held me close. He pet my head, like I did to Hyunjin earlier. I guess that was a good comforting tactic.

“And now, Ryujin wants him back. What am I supposed to do?” I whispered.

“Do you like him back?”

I paused.

Did I like him back? I wasn’t sure...

Chan patted my back and stood. “I’m gonna make us some lunch, sit here and think about it. And don’t you dare think about responding to those texts.”

Hwang Hyunjin.

We’ve been in school together since we were kids. We saw each other grow up. We were never close, but we wouldn’t be awkward if we were paired together in a project.

He was always nice to me. He would remember my name contrary to all the boys in our grade. I faded into the background, especially when I became friends with Ryujin in the sixth grade.

We were in acapella together and we were always in the same friend groups, especially when Ryujin and Hyunjin got closer.

Everyone would yell and shout at us if we started talking about a book we just read or conspiracy theory we saw online. Or when we were both contemplating being vegan when we saw a deer get hit by a truck.

He was the one who encouraged me to wear makeup even if Ryujin told me I was shit at it. He was the one who told me I could join acapella even if I was too shy to be on stage, because he was too. He was the one who dressed up as Harry Potter characters with me when no one else wanted to. He was the one I went to when I wanted to talk about the things I loved most.

He was the one... He was the one all along.

“Oh my god. It’s always been Hyunjin. Oh my god.”

Chan set down a crappy sandwich in front of me, but I was on a mission.

“You figure it out?”

“Yes, yes I did! But what do I tell Ryujin?”

Chan scoffed. “What do you tell Ryujin? She’s the one who cheated on him. And she’s always been a crappy friend to you.” I frowned. Ryujin wasn’t the best friend, but she was my best friend...

“If she’s truly your best friend, she’ll forgive you for this. So go, go get your manz.” I cringed at his language. He was not as young as he thought.

Then, I realized something.

I looked at Chan who was just sitting on the couch, cheering me on.

“Oh my god, you’re a side character in my story.”

The made him pause before he took a bit. “Uh, ok? Aren’t we all each other’s side characters? The protag will always be ourselves, dork. Now go!”

I ran out the door and checked my phone. Those can be dealt with later. Or right now. I’m not sure. Maybe at the same time.

I jumped in my car and called Ryujin and put her on speaker.

“Hello? Y/n?? Where have you been, I texted you like 20 minutes ago! I said SOS!”

“Am I your best friend?”

“W-what? Where is this coming from? Yes, of course you are-”

“Then you’ll forgive me for anything right?”

She paused.

“Maybe. I’m not sure, you’ve never really done anything wrong.”

I gulped. You can’t back down now.

“Is everything ok, y/n?”

“I have something to tell you. And you’re going to hate me for it.”

“What?”

There was silence.

“What, y/n, seriously-”

“I have feelings for Hyunjin!” I shouted.

Dead silence. I could hear the few cars driving in my neighborhood and kids laughing outside. The silence was terrifying.

“You what?”

“I have feelings for Hyunjin. Your ex-boyfriend.”

I heard shuffling on the other side.

“Y-you can’t. He’s my ex-boyfriend. That’s breaking girl code, and I am not over him. What the hell, y/n?”

I felt tears fall from my eyes. This is not how I wanted this to go. But this is what I expected.

“I’m sorry. But my whole life, I have been living for you. Ever since I met you. And this time, I have to do things for myself. I’m sorry but I- I want to be selfish and I want to make mistakes that you’re gonna have to decide if you forgive me for.

I want to be the main character of my story right now.”

“Y/n, wait-”

I hung up the phone. I couldn’t let her get in the way of me living for me. Even if it was selfish and bitchy. I need to make mistakes to grow. And I haven’t made many ground breaking mistakes in the past, but this one feels pretty good.

I parked outside of Hyunjin’s house and ran up the steps.

Before I could knock on my door, it opened revealing a disheveled Hyunjin.

“You came.”

I was shocked at his sudden appearance, but nodded.

“I did, um, how did you get to the door so quickly?”

“I was waiting.” A cute blush danced across his face.

How have I not seen him before? For how I truly feel about him?

For a minute, we didn’t know what to say.

“I-”

We laughed.

“You first,” he said.

I cleared my throat.

“Hyunjin, um, I’m not very good at speeches to declare my feelings. Most likely because I’ve suppressed them over the years and haven’t shown them to anybody.

I’m dumb and stupid and now I’m selfish because I don’t care what anyone thinks right now because I realized that I am falling in love with you.”

His eyes grew to the size of his hand at my words.

“What?”

I laughed nervously.

“Um, I was .. I was talking to my brother. And I just realized that every moment in my life that I was insecure or unsure of something, you helped me through it. And when I just wanted to talk about something nerdy like a book or a poem that made me cry, I wanted to talk to you.

It really has been you all along.” I whispered the last sentence, but I knew he heard it.

He took my hands and wrapped them around his waist.

“I’m falling in love with you too. I think I always have been a little, which sounds fucking up since I dated Ryujin. But I think we both knew we weren’t right for each other.”

I nodded, feeling safe in his embrace.

Then, I felt him hold my face and bent down to kiss me. His lips were soft and it felt like he was hesitant. Before I lost the courage, I pulled him closer. I could feel his smile across my lips.

He made my heart flutter like I was reading a cute romance novel.

Except I was in the romance novel now.

And I was the protagonist.

163 notes · View notes

wonderland-in-bloom · 4 years

Text

i won’t say i’m in love

[sebek zigvolt x fem!reader]

anon asked: Hello, can I request a oneshot with Sebek and a fem/reader , with him trying to confess his love but every time he try he fail because in the past he was mean with the reader for being a human , until one night the reader tell him that she enjoy his company and forgive him and that`s when he finally have the courage to tell the reader that he´s madly in love with her ?

this prompt sounds so cute aaaawh and thank you anon for being so specific with your request! i hope you enjoy it :))

♡

SEBEK zigvolt, in all of his 16 years of life, would’ve never admitted that he’d fallen in love. and not just a typical crush or short-term admiration, but he actually fell in love with someone. like, in love in love. he actually fell in love with someone else other than the dorm leader of diasomnia. he was too dense to even realize it himself and in fact it was lilia who pointed out the fact that he looked like a love-struck puppy. he just couldn’t accept it. “there’s just no chance that i’m actually in love with someone. i won’t say it. damn it...i won’t say i’m in love with someone. especially her.” what made it worse is the fact that he fell in love with someone he used to hate. (y/n) was her name.

sebek recalled the countless times he used to call you names, bully you, and just made you feel downright awful. “you’re just a mere human with no magic abilities! you’re worthless, you know that?!” he cringed at himself and both mentally and physically slap himself for saying all those things back then. he saw several chances in which he could’ve told you how he actually felt about you but he just didn’t have the heart to do it. how would you be able to love him back if he said all those mean things to you and did all of those those shameful things to make you feel bad about yourself? he was planning to tell you someday, but he thought the day would never come.

“sebek zigvolt you really are stupid.” he sighed to himself as he carried a large stack of leather-bound books from a shelf in the library to a desk near it. he aggressively plopped the book down on the table causing a huge ‘thud’ which caused the person on the other side of the table to jump. “a-ah.” sebek noticed how familiar the voice was. he was shocked to meet the eyes of (y/n). “W-WHA-(y/n).” he managed to regain his composure before clearing his throat and sitting down. “hey.” you chuckled. “let me guess, alchemy homework?” you tried to initiate a small conversation, but he just brushed you off with a nod and started working. in reality, he was dying of both embarrassment and guilt. why does she still want to start a conversation? does she not hate me?! the two silently carried on with their work quietly, but sebek was having a debate with himself inside his head. he was arguing with himself whether you actually hated him or not, and whether he should tell you how he really feels about you or not. however his loud thoughts were interrupted when he heard a soft voice call out from beside him.

“hey sebek, i’m stuck with this question, can you help me?” this caused him to jump a little bit but then straightened up his posture right after. “right. of course. what do you need?” he was almost done with his work and you were still on the fifth question...out of fifteen long ones. “uhm, how do you do this one?” you whispered as you pointed to the question. he smiled then turned to you. “ah this is actually pretty easy.” he then started rambling on about the theory of alchemy and started explaining everything to you. you couldn’t comprehend the flow of information and just followed everything he told you. however you couldn’t help but get distracted by the smile plastered on his face as he’s teaching you all these things. “okay. thanks for the help.” you smiled. he awkwardly fiddled with his books and said “i could help you with the rest...if that’s what you want.” your eyes beamed. you’d get so much of the work done faster if you had help from him. “sure!”

sebek stared at your smiling and gleeful figure, cheerfully getting all of your books as well as a chair and sat down next to him. “ready when you are.” you smiled. sebek couldn’t help but feel his heart skip a beat. your gorgeous smile, your sparkling (e/c) eyes, your kindhearted nature, everything about you was just perfect to him. “alright, then let’s start.” with the help of sebek you finished fifteen questions in thirty minutes or so, which was a record, also considering it was alchemy homework. “wow! thanks so much for helping me sebek! we got it done in thirty minutes or so!” he chuckled. “well it was nothing really.” you smiled. “after all, i’m not as smart as you. i’m not that talented either. i can’t even use magic. so thanks for helping me! besides, i really enjoy your company sebek. i think you’re a really honest and nice person, after all, you made me realize all of those things about myself.” sebek felt his heart crumble and a lump to form in his throat. “(y/n)...that’s not...” you looked down at your hands. “no! you’re right. all of those things you said about me. they’re all true. i’m still amazed the headmaster would accept someone as worthless as me...” sebek refused to hear you sulk like that. after all, it was his fault it made you feel that way. he cupped both of your hands and brought it together.

“(y/n)! please don’t say that! please don’t think of yourself like that!” this caused you to flinch in shock. “there’s a reason headmaster crowley would accept someone like you here! you’re an amazing person! actually...there are tons of reasons! you’re always so curious and you’re not afraid to ask questions. you’re always so eager to learn about everything! you’re so open to everyone around you! you’re so kind, you’re always so caring...you’re even nice to someone like me.” sebek paused. “please forget everything i said about you! please! i was an idiot! i still am an idiot! (y/n)...you’re one of the most amazing people i’ve ever met! you’re honestly...damn...how should i say it...” your face was just flustered from everything he said. so he doesn’t hate you after all. “sebek...you don’t hate me?”

“of course i don’t (y/n)! how could i ever hate you?! i’m just...helplessly in love with you, okay?!” the two of you paused. he immediately turned his face away from you. “damn it...” did he really just tell you how he really felt about you?! “sebek...” your mouth hung agape but you brushed it off with a giggle. “i’m so glad!” you basically threw yourself on him and embraced him in a tight hug. now it was his turn for his mouth to hang open. “does this mean you don’t hate me?”

“it means i love you too, sebek.” you leaned forward and pressed your lips against his. he flinched at first and tensed up, but then relaxed and kissed back. you both were overjoyed and filled with happiness from top to bottom.

and so, sebek zigvolt, in all of his 16 years of life, had finally admitted that he had fallen in love.

♡

aaaaaah im so tired after grinding out all of these works in a day. it’s like 12.30am here and i’m super duper sleepy. ik im weak eheh. imma head to bed now and dream about my bby malleus eheh.

p.s sebek is voiced by haruki ishiya and you know who else he voices? yamada jiro from hypmic!!! and i read that sebek and silver like to argue a lot and butt-heads with each other. hmmm sounds a lot like jiro and saburo. these two charas that haruki ishiya voices argues with those whose name starts with an s. eheh i just found that cute.

- a♕

#twisted wonderland #disney #disney twisted wonderland #ディズニーツイステッドワンダーランド #ツイステッドワンダーランド #night raven college #diasomnia #sebek zigvolt #sebek zigvolt imagine #sebek zigvolt oneshot #oneshot #oneshots #imagines #imagine #x reader #reader inserts #sebek zigvolt x reader #twisted wonderland oneshots #twisted wonderland imagines

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moonnightyoongi · 4 years

Text

yours | mark

love me like im never gonna leave, love me like im yours

word count: 2k

genre: angst (mainly), fluff, swearing (tehe)

a/n: just can’t stop thinkin of mark

based off the song yours | alina baraz

It had happened more than once, in fact you were definitely somewhere in the double digits but you couldn’t stop. Everything about him was intoxicating, the way he looked at you and the way he smiled at you, the smirk he had on his face when he would open the door to you - it was cocky and even though you hated it nothing could make you turn around and go back home. His voice was smooth and no matter what you asked him he never stuttered, there was a simple answer to everything.

Except one question.

“What is this?”

You had asked him one night and you swear every single bit of colour he had in his body drained and he was left with his mouth open, small stutters coming out. You looked at him and realised what it was and what it always would be… sex. There was no hope of anything progressing past it so you simply shut your feelings off and continued to fuck him.

“Are you leaving?” He asks as you rolled out of the bed.

“Of course,” you reply searching for your dress, “I gotta get back to the wedding.”

“You already left, why do you need to go back?”

“Because my sister is so drunk she won’t remember giving me the go ahead to leave. Besides I have four missed calls from my mum and I don’t think using the excuse that I’m looking at her and waving is going to work at 1am.”

“Just stay here.”

“Why would I do that? I got a room in a 5 star hotel and a massage booked in the morning,” you frown.

“I want you to stay,” he says.

“Well I want a 5 star hotel room and a massage,” you fire back. His smile falls for a second before he looks out the window.

“Can I come with you?” He asks.

“I specifically remember you saying you never want to meet a family member or be my date to my sisters wedding,” you reply.

“I don’t, I wanna have sex in a 5 star hotel room,” he smirks. You look at him and roll your eyes, he was always so good at getting what he wanted out of you, you would move heaven and earth for him if he asked.

“Get dressed,” you sigh.

“Shall I put on my best trench coat?” He jokes.

“It’s cold, you won’t have a penis left if you do.”

He falls silent and looks at you, blinking harshly, “You’re so crude sometimes.”

“Oh sorry, do you not like hearing about how your penis will shrivel up from the cold temperature?”

He laughs, “Sweatpants it is.””

“Jeans, it’s a 5 star hotel Mark. You can’t stroll in wearing sweatpants.”

“Oh, its the brush your hair before going down to breakfast kinda vibe?” He asks.

“Brush your teeth too,” you reply.

“Can’t have orange juice then.”

“It’s the price you pay to not be judged by Gary, 55, on a business trip.”

“Where do you get these names from?” He asks laughing and throwing on a clean t-shirt.

“They just come to me,” you reply, “Zip up my dress.”

“It’s a very pretty dress,” he says walking over to you, “Floor length gowns suit you.”

“I’m just glad she let me get a navy dress and not that God awful pink dress,” you tell him. You shudder at the thought of the dress, it was a bright pink that made your eyes sore, even the thought of it irritated your eyes again. Of course, it nearly was the dress you had to wear because the meter of the groom thought you looked absolutely delightful ‘like a strawberry cheesecake’. Last time you checked you weren’t a fucking dessert.

Mark’s hand touched the bottom of your back as you moved your hair out the way to avoid it getting caught in the zipper (again). His touch was soft, like he was afraid he would break you (or the zipper). Zipping it up slowly, he paused halfway through - letting out a sigh.

“Ah yes, do take your time Mark, there’s only a 55 year old woman waiting to chop my balls off,” you say. He lets out a laugh and you feel his breath on your shoulders causing you to shiver, even his light touch was enough to drive you mad. All you wanted was him to be yours.

“Done,” he says obviously coming out of his trance and finishing your zipper quickly.

“Let’s go,” you tell him, “Uber’s nearly here.”

<—>

She was like a dog to a bone, as soon as the Uber pulled up in front of the hotel she was rushing down the stairs ready to pounce on you. Until she saw Mark get out of the car with you.

“Who is this?” Your mum asks surprised.

“My friend Mark,” you reply with an awkward smile. She stares at him before putting her hand out for him to shake.

“Nice to meet you.”

“You too,” he smiles.

“Where the fuck have you been?” She snaps looking at you, clearly breaking out of her Mark trance.

“With Mark, he needed me,” you say. It was partly true, he had needed you - just a different kind of need.

“I had locked myself out,” he says, “My roommates are all out and not answering their phones.”

“We tried to get in through an open window but he nearly dropped me,” you lie.

“That’s so you, even when you’re not the one navigating you get lost.”

“What?” You ask confused.

“Who knows, I asked your father to get me vodka and he got me whiskey. It’s my nonsense drink,” she dismisses, “He’s useless, all men are. Your poor sister, her husband is the worst. He tripped over a table cloth today, how could he miss it? The floor is brown and the cloth was fucking white, not to mention there was also a table underneath it.”

“Go to bed mum,” you cut in.

“Is Mark staying with you?” She asks.

“Yes.”

“You know the rules.”

“I can’t leave the door of the room open, anyone could come in.”

“Leave the bathroom door open,” she says turning on her heel.

“Wh-,” Mark begins.

You shake your head and cut him off, “Don’t question it, she’ll start another conversation that’ll last another 10 minutes and I haven’t got it in me to de-code her.”

“Are you the same on whiskey?” Mark asks as you both walk up the steps of the hotel.

“Gin!” Your mother shouts, “Gin is her mumbling drink. On her birthday last year she started to recite the whole script from the film The Bee Movie. I don’t know know where she learnt it, we were always such Shrek people.”

“What is going on?” Mark asks, eyes raised.

“Don’t ask,” you reply, “Where’s your room mum? We’ll walk you.’

“Don’t be silly, there’s your father. FATHER!” She shouts, “Wait he’s not my father, MICK!”

“Who the fuck is Mick?” You ask her, “Dad! Take her, she’s driving me insane.”

You walk her over to him and he smiles weakly, “She’s been watching a lot of shows lately, Mick is one of the characters.”

“You hope,” you smile before walking back over to Mark, “Let’s get to the room quick, she might start reciting Shrek.”

“Donkey!” You hear her shout as you run up the staircase to the floor you were on.

“It’s begun,” you say looking at him. He laughs loudly as you walk down the hallway to the room you would be staying in.

“Fancy,” he says kicking off his shoes and unbuttoning his jeans. He looked around intently while all you could do was stare at him, he looked beautiful even with his messy hair and tired eyes. Part of you was so glad he asked if he could come, you didn’t want to leave him - well, ever.

“What are you thinking about?” He asks snapping you out of your daydream.

“My mum,” you lie.

“She’s really funny.”

“Lucky for you she’s so drunk she won’t remember she met you tomorrow,” you say throwing the room key on the desk.

“I don’t mind if she does,” he says walking into the room.

You smile awkwardly once more and lean against the desk, unsure of what move to make. You normally knew what you were going to do when you saw Mark - but this felt like alien territory. Would you lie next to him? Turn the TV on and watch shitty morning television shows? Or would you simply sleep 2 feet apart?

“Come here,” Mark says putting his hands out for you to take.

“What do you want?” You ask accepting them and letting him pull you towards him.

“What are you really thinking?”

“About what to do.”

“We could just relax and watch TV, order some room service?”

“That sounds really nice,” you smile.

<—>

Less than hour later you both sat on the bed eating ribs and watching some stupid quiz show. Everyone answer you shouted was wrong of course, how did people know these things? How didn’t you know these things?

Times like this felt nice, it was just you two doing normal things together. It wasn’t some quick hook up then ended with you leaving after it was done and feeling shit as you walked out the door, him not even batting an eyelid at you.

“How do people know these things?” Mark asks.

“That’s what I was thinking,” you reply throwing the rib bone on the plate and sighing, “I ate too much.”

“You don’t need to get back into the dress, you’ll be fine.”

“I’ll be bloated for my massage tomorrow.”

“She’ll deflate you,” he jokes.

“He’ll,” you correct.

“A male massage therapist, lucky you.”

“Hm, he’ll apply more pressure,” you say lying down and rubbing your eyes.

“Can I admit something to you?” He asks.

“You always wanted to be a massage therapist?” You joke.

“No,” he laughs moving to lie down next to you, “I really enjoy your company.”

“I bet you do.”

“No, I mean your company. Like that night we played games and the winner got oral,” he says, “I like doing those things with you.”

“Cause’ you always win and get oral,” you tell him.

He looks at you seriously before looking down, “Yeah, because I always win.”

You almost didn’t believe him till the smirk reappeared on his face seconds later, “Wanna play a game?”

“Goodnight Mark,” you groan turning over.

“Goodnight Y/N,” he whispers.

You never wanted it to be morning. You wanted to stay in this moment with him. You wanted to feel his body heat next to you forever, you wanted to stay up late doing stupid mundane things with him.

You wanted him to be yours.

masterlist

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fatrainbowmermaidunicorn · 5 years

Text

Sad Song (Taehyung x You ONESHOT)

A/N: I am sorry this took long and I hope by the time I wrote and post this you are no longer sad anon. Inspired fully by Sad Song by We The Kings and also because I'm feeling sad and emotional tonight. And its a bit short, sorry. Just about 5k+ long. Sorry if its a bit ridiculous since Im a bit rusty now. ahaha

MASTERLIST

A/N : And also, I’m trying a new thing here and you are in no way obligated to do it but if any of you like my stories and want to give some support, why not buy me a coffee? ☕💜

A/N: I cant just keep a good thing to myself, so for those who are looking for a variety and affordable BTS and KPOP merchandise. visit this link right here okay

"I love Taehyung..," her teary brown eyes blinked once. "I... I sincerely love him and I cant live without him,"

Y/N look at the beautiful idol standing in front of her whose eyes is filled with tears, trying hard not to blink her tears. She dont know why the girl is crying when she should be the one bawling her eyes out. Y/N keeps looking. Looking at the girl who is telling her, no, confessing to her that she is in love with Kim Taehyung.

Her boyfriend of 8 years, Kim Taehyung.

"W-why are you telling me all this?"

"Y/N... I know," she released a heavy breath. "I know you know about us. About me and Taehyung. And trust me Y/N, its never my intention to hurt you,"

Y/N almost scoffed at her statement. Not her intention? And so what? She should received a medal for that?

"Y/N... I love him. And I am not going to ask you to leave him. Or to give him to me. Nor do I want to steal Taehyung from you. I just really love him. I fell in love and I cant live without him,"

"Why are you telling me all of this?"

"Y/N... I know its not possible to leave Taehyung. Someone like him.. how can anyone lose him? Especially you, who have been together with him for so long," she took a step forward and Y/N immediately took a step back.

The girl sigh.

"I dont want to fight with you. Or be on a bad term with you Y/N. I love Taehyung and you know he loves me too. But there is no doubt he also loves you. So I guess... what I'm trying to say is... can... can you share a piece of his love with me?"

"What?"

"I want to share his love with you Y/N. I want to share Kim Taehyung,"

/////

"Does she make you happy? As happy as I used to?" Y/N's voice quiver as the question leave her mouth, afraid of the answer. Her back might be turned fron looking at Taehyung, but she can feel his sharp gaze bore through her back.

"Y/N... can you please atleast look at my face?" His deep voice soften as she heard him walked forward, his warmth closing in. "Please?"

Y/N didnt budge. How could she face him when her heart is breaking.

"Y/N..." Taehyung reached out and turn her around, lifting her chin to look at him.

"J-just tell me Tae..," her voice barely above a whisper.

"I dont want to lose you Y/N. I love you. You know that," Taehyung sigh as he carressed her face softly.

"How about her?"

"You know I love her too..," Taehyung admit softly, not wanting to hurt her more. "But I dont want to lose you Y/N..." he repeated again, making his point clear.

Y/N doesnt understand. How can anyone says he love someone and another at the same time? How can that sacred feeling be torn and shared into two? Is it possible? Is she the one who is the selfish one, the stupid one, to reserve all her love for just one special person?

For Taehyung?

"I..." Y/N looks down. She wanted to say no. She is going to tell him that its over. That he cheated. That he betrayed her love, their love of 8 years and fell in love with someone else. That he hurt her. That his request for her to accept all this is selfish and just plain ridiculous. She wanted to scream, hit him, curse him and just cry until she cant anymore. But as her mouth is about to open, her eyes lifted and it fall straight into Taehyung's brown ones. His familiar brown eyes. His eyes that is filled with memories and love. His eyes that make her fall in love in the first place.

"Good morning princess," his beautiful smile greeted her as she opened her eyes. "I cant believe I am going to wake up to this face from now on until forever," Taehyung whisper and kisses her, making Y/N giggle with surprise.

The first day they moved in together.

Their first day to forever.

"I love you Y/N,"

"Why?" She turns and faced him. She will never be tired of looking at his handsome face.

"No specific reason princess. You are just my everything. With you I feel alive. Without you I feel empty, lonely. Without you I am not a whole. You are the melody in my life. The rhythm, the emotions, the lyrics, everything," Taehyung tuck a strand of her loose hair behind her ear. "You Y/N. You are the song to my life... and without you.. well, without you I am just a sad, lonely song,"

Y/N smile as her heart fluttered wildly. Taehyung is her life, her love, her everything. And the way he looks at her right now, she will give up everything to see it forever.

"And you, you are the song to my life too Kim Taehyung, and I promise, I will make it a happy song forever,"

"Y/N?"

Y/N was brought back to reality at the sound of his voice. Her cheeks already dampen with the tears she didnt even realized has rolled down her cheeks.

All the things she had rehearsed in her head earlier, all the things she wanted to say to him disappeared. It hurts, but she cant do it.

Taehyung is her song.

And what is her life without a song?

"I... Tae," Y/N looks at him. "I love you so much Tae. I'll do it. I rather share you than lose you. I'll do it,"

/////

Y/N doesnt know how this works. How it should work. Are they both his girlfriend now? Can Taehyung really love them both? Can Taehyung be fair? Is she allowed to be hurt? Is she allowed to cry? Is she supposed to ignore all the marks on his body or the many nights he didnt come back?

How does this work?

Y/N will never understand.

Its even worse when the two of them are an idol and she is just an ordinary girl living a normal life. In the public eyes, Taehyung and Maysaa are the number one couple eventhough Taehyung belong to Y/N first. She wanted to tell everyone that Taehyung is hers. That he belong to her first. But she cant. Their relationship ear never made public and it seems it will never be now.

No girl should ever see her own boyfriend kisses another girl so openly.

No girl should ever see her own boyfriend goes on a date with another girl so openly.

No girl should ever have to come back home to sit in the living room crying while her ears are filled with the sound of her own boyfriend making love to another girl so openly.

And no girl should ever hear her own boyfriend say I love you to another girl, and mean it.

Pain and hurt is an understatement with what Y/N is feeling everyday. Maysaa is a friendly girl and she never deny Y/N's right towards Taehyung. But how friendly can a feeling be towards a girl who begged you to share your boyfriend with her. Towards the girl you have to see kissing and hugging your boyfriend in public everyday? Towards the girl who you knew you boyfriend love, care and adore?

Y/N cant deny that Taehyung tried his best to be fair. To make her happy, to make her feel love. He takes her out on dates, secret dates, on days that he is off schedule. They still spend their time cuddling at home while having a domestic movie night, or soend the night cooking and just talking to each other, just like they used to.

And their nights together...

Their nights together is still as passionate as before, although Y/N had to pushed every single thoughts about Maysaa and what Taehyung most probably did with her too.

Does Taehyung look at her with love as he lay her down too?

Does Taehyung kiss her softly as his hands strip her off her clothing?

Does Taehyung whisper those soft I love yous as he thrust into her?

The pain is there, oh, how itd always there, but Y/N like to believe that their love is stronger. Afterall, Taehyung is her song, and she is Taehyung's. They have something special and it will stay that way.

Their endless night together whenever Taehyung is off schedule proof that their love is still just as strong as before when weeks later Y/N start to feel nausea, fatigue and suffered endless vomitting. The two blue line on the tenth test she took that day finally confirmed what she has been suspecting.

But will Taehyung be happy? Or angry? What about Maysaa? How does this whole thing works now that shes pregnant with Taehyung's child?

She should be happy, ecstatic even. She is having a baby with the love of her life. That someone that she always wanted a family, a future with. That someone that she love with all her life.

That someone who is another person's boyfriend to the public.

After contemplating for a week, Y/N decide to finally tell Taehyung. Whatever his reaction is, Y/N swear she will do whatever it takes to protect her baby. The little human in her tummy is her priority now.

Never would she have thought that Taehyung's face would break into a grin and scooped her up in a huge hug, swinging her around.

"Y-you are not angry Tae?" Y/N asked after her initial shock.

"Angry? Princess why would I be angry?" Taehyung laugh. A loud, joyful laugh. "I'm so so so happy princess! I'm going to be a father, and the baby is going to be perfecr because princess, you are the mother! I love you so much princess," Taehyung's grin grows wider, if that is even possible, and kisses her softly. "I promise princess. I will take care of you and our baby. Theres nothing to be worried about Princess. I love you,"

/////

"Arghhhhhhh!"

"Whats the problem now?" Hyera looks up from her phone as Maysaa enters their dressing room and throw around everything everywhere. The other group members are already used to the spoiled maknae's behaviour.

"That bitch is pregnant!"

"Which bitch? Theres so many bitches in our life. All of you included," Mia, another band member laughs as she point to the others. Maysaa roll her eyes. She has no time for jokes! This is serious. How can Taehyung make that girl pregnant?! She dont even think that they sleep together. Yeah sure, Taehyung slept with her, of course he should be sleeping with that girl too, since they are supposed to be "fair" and what not. But she didnt think to the point of making her pregnant! Is Taehyung going to love her less when she has the baby?

"Taehyung's whore! Who else!"

"Okay... and the problem is?" The other girl sound confused. "She is his girlfriend isnt it. I mean.. you came out with this weird ass arrangement to share the dude, which I found to be ridiculous and stupid. And I know you skipped sex ed and all, but having sex and being in a relationship does make one pregnant,"

"And look at Taehyung. Hr is a hottie!Who doesnt want him as a baby daddy?" Hyera add on and giggle, making Maysaa more fired up that her sisters are not seeing the seriousness of the problem.

"Urghhh guys! This is serious! She cant be pregnant! I never even thought she would agree to this arrangement in the first place! But with this happening... What if Taehyung love me less once the baby is born? I cant let that happen! I cant lose Taehyung. I cant!" Maysaa is getting hysteric. She is scared. Losing Taehyung is something she cant ever imagined!

"Okay. Okay. Jeez, calm down," Mia roll her eyes. "So what are you planning to do?"

"I need to get pregnant too,"

"What?!" All eyes turn to her. They are a group of uprising idol right now, and having one member pregnant, especially the maknae, will definitely slow down their rising success.

"Relax, not real pregnant. Fake pregnant!" Maysaa happily cheered, as the others gave her confused looks.

"Eloborate please,"

"Well, I just need to tell Tae that I'm pregnant too, but I still want to keep it from the media. Then he will give his attention to me, because you know, hes so sweet and all," Maysaa giggles and the others scoff. "Then, right before the baby is supposed to be born, when Taehyung is already so in love with the baby, I will do something that will look like the bitch did something to me that cause me to misscarriage. Tae will hate her for killing his baby, and he will love me forever because I am just a sad girl who lost a baby! Great idea isnt it?" Maysaa squeal.

"Uh... thats just evil. But, how do you fake a pregnancy? How about your checkup and all? If Taehyung is as sweet as you say he is, he will want to follow you to those doctors appointments," Hyera questioned.

"Well... do you remember my doctor? Doctor Hua? The doctor who did all my three abortions in secret? Ill ask him to help. Its all set!"

"I dont know Maysaa... dont you think thats not fair to both Tae and Y/N?" Mia sounded worried. Maysaa glares at her sister. They are supposed to be on her side!

"I dont care Mia. Taehyung is mine and he will be mine and only mine forever!"

/////

"B-but Tae.. cant you stay with me for a while longer? I dont feel so good. I think theres something wrong," Y/N rubs her stomach, feeling uncomfortable. Taehyung leans down and kisses the huge bump. She is 7 months in now. Taehyung cant believe that he has two beautiful girlfriends, and both of them pregnant at the same time?

Taehyung cant help but grinned. He loves kids and now hes going to get two at the same time.

He admits its hard being a busy idol with two pregnant lovers, especially with Maysaa who is always needing his attention all the time. Because of that, he is grateful for Y/N. Y/N always gives in to Maysaa. Going to her checkup alone and handling most of her pregnancy alone since she knows Maysaa needed him more.

Y/N is great and Taehyung told hinself over and over again that he will be needing to make it up to her soon.

"I'm sure its nothing princess. Maysaa just called, shes craving some strawberries. I just need to get those and give it to her. Ill be back okay? You understand right princess?" Taehyung stroke her hair softly. Y/N is beautiful, inside out. Everytime Taehyung looks at her, he falls in love with her all over again. He sometimes regret his desicion with Maysaa, for hurting Y/N along the way, but what can he do? Maysaa is pregnant with his baby now, there is no way he can ever leave her. And Y/N is so understanding, he sometines forget that she gets hurt too.

Y/N sighed. Of course its Maysaa again. She rubbed her bump. Something is wrong, she can feel it. But she cant tell Taehyung that. Because he doesnt know. He only goes to Maysaa's appointments, and never hers. He didnt know the problems and the pain shes having. He didnt know how she cried alone at nights, which is almost every night, sleeping alone in pain because Taehyung needs to attend to Maysaa.

Pregnancy is supposed to be the happiest month for a couple. Sharing moments and experience with their partner. And she guess Taehyung is experiencing it, only not with her. All her joys, the baby first kick, the baby first move, and all her pain, she jottee down in the scrapbook.

Maybe one day she can share it with someone who wanted to know.

Y/N sighed again.

"Of course Tae. Go attend to Maysaa. I'll be okay," Y/N gave a small smile. Taehyung kisses her forehead and went off to find the strawberries.

A few minutes after Taehyung left, a knock was heard on her hotel door. They are both following Taehyung on tour now, since he thinks its a good idea to bring them both togethet. Thinking it was Jungkook, she ask the person to come in. Y/N and Jungkook has become closer now since Taehyung spend most of her time attending to Maysaa's pregnancy needs.

Y/N's smile drop the moment Maysaa appeared in front of her door, making her way to her bedside.

"Hi Y/N, wheres Tae?" She asked, smiling.

"He went out to get your strawberries Maysaa. Anything I can help you with?" Y/N asked with a straight face. She usually will control her expression and put on atleast a small smile, but not today. Today shes in pain and Taehyung is not here to help het because of this girl stupid strawberries.

"Wow, whats with the hostility? Cant a baby mama come and visit another baby mama?"

"Im sorry. I didnt mean to be rude. Its just that Im in a bit of pain right now," Y/N rubbed her bump. Maysaa srunched her face on annoyance. She hates it when Y/N say anything about her pregnancy, well because it only remind her that hers is not real.

"Oh really?" Maysaa asked, not at all showing interest.

"Yeah. Its a bit painful. Uh.. do you think Tae can stay with me tonight? I think.. I think I might need him tonight," Y/N looks at Maysaa, hoping she would be considerate enough.

"Uh no? You know how I need shoulder rubs at night and how I throw up every night Y/N. You know I need Tae!"

"But Maysaa. I really dont feel-"

"You are not the only one pregnant Y/N!" Maysaa have had enough. Taehyung is hers, cant she see that?

"But Maysaa, please. I-" Y/N placed her hands on Maysaa, trying to asked for her sympathy when Taehyung ealks in and saw her hand on her.

"Hey baby? What are you doing here? I looked for you in your room. I got you your strawberries," he smile, eyes wondering between Maysaa and Y/N, trying to figure out what is happening. They are just talking right?

"I was looking for you baby!" Maysaa giggles and hug Taehyung's arm. "Didnt know you went out,"

Y/N averted her eyes as her heart begin to hurt at their interaction. Calm down Y/N, Taehyung doesnt belong to you alone anymore. Taehyung notice Y/N's change of expression and move Maysaa's hand slowly off him, making the girl furious.

"T-tae? Do you think you can stay with me tonight? I dont feel good. I really dont," Y/N decides to ask. Maysaa cant believe what shes hearing. Did this bitch just ask Taehyung when she already said no?

"Uh..." Taehyung look at Maysaa who's already pouting. "I think you will be okay Y/N, right?"

Y/N sighed. The one time she really needs him and he cant even give her that.

"Yeah okay. Of course. I'm always okay," she tried to slowly get up from the bed. She was never this petty but shes really in pain right now. Whats the point of having a boyfriend if he never cares? Y/N is starting to regret her decision.

"Y/N, dont be like that princess please?" Taehyung look at her softly, trying to help her up but she flinched away.

"Be like what Tae? I only ever needed you once in seven months and you cant even give me that? I'm done. After this baby is born, I'm done Taehyung!"

"Y/N, what are you talking about? Princess, you know we will never be done. I'll never let you go!" Taehyung is freaking out. Why is Y/N saying all this. She wont leave him will he?

Too caught up with being worried, Taehyung didnt notice that Maysaa's expression has turned sour at his words.

How in love is Taehyung with Y/N?!

Noticing that Taehyung is about to reached out for Y/N's hand, Maysaa quickly thinks of something and as Y/N turns to shake Taehyung off, she immediately screamed in pain, clutching her fake baby bump, immediately catching Taehyung's attention.

"Baby?! Are you okay?"

"Y/N nudged me. Aww baby, it hurts!" She cried out, constantly rubbing her bump.

"What? I did not! Tae I didnt even touched her!" Y/N tried to defend herself but Taehyung is already glaring at her as he hugs Maysaa protectively.

"She did baby! She nudge me. She must be angry at me because you didnt want to stay with her tonight! Aww babyyyy it hurts," fake tears starts to roll doen her cheeks.

"Baby! Oh my god. Let me take you to the hospital okay?" Taehyung glares at Y/N again. "You better pray that nothing happened to her or the baby Y/N!"

"Tae, I didnt do anything! Cant you atleast listen to me?!" Y/N tried to suck in her pain and wiggle her way to reached out to Taehyung but he pushed her away, making her fall sitting down on the bed. Surprise and in pain that Taehyung would actually pushed her Y/N feel her tears rolling down.

He never cared when she told him shes in pain but when Maysaa said it he panic to this extend? What are you even to hjm Y/N?

Nothing. A song? Bullshit. Not even a sad song. Just... nothing. She is nothing to Kim Taehyung.

"Im taking Maysaa to the hospital," Taehyung hugs the girl, not even looking at Y/N who he just pushed. Right before they went out the door, Maysaa look behind her shoulder and smirk.

Y/N knew right then that nothing could ever fix her relationship with Taehyung again. No matter how much she sacrifice, Maysaa wins.

"You win Maysaa. You can have Taehyung, fully," was the last word Taehyung heard between sobs before he slam the door shut.

/////

"Theres a complication. You cant be stressed or do anything aggressive. At all. Remember that miss. At all! Any of that, and you might have to go into an early labour. And Miss Y/N... with your health condition, we strongly would advise to avoid early labour as it might cause yours or the baby's life,"

The doctors words repeat itself in Y/N's head as the pain in her stomach becomes unbearable the second Taehyung slammed the door shut.

"T-tae..." she tried to call out but the pain stopped her as she clutched her stomach. "N-no.. my baby!" Y/N starts to sob when her hand touched a wet and thick red liquid from her legs and stomach.

Bleeding. I'm bleeding.

Was the last word she remembered saying to herself before hearing Jungkook's voice calling out to her and passed out.

/////

"Its okay baby, I'm here. I'm here" Taehyung panics as he held Maysaa's hand tightly, who is screaming in pain. "I'll take you to the nearest hospital okay baby, dont worry,"

"N-nearest hospital? But baby I need to see Doctor Hua!" Maysaa panics the moment Taehyung help her into the car. All her cover will be blown if she is taken to another doctor!

Doctor Hua has make everything perfect. They did all the fake belly, the fake heartbeat reading and even a fake sonogram. Everything is going well. Shes supposed to be having a misscarriage soon and Taehyung will never know.

"Theres no time baby. Doctor Hua's hospital is far from here. The hospital Y/N went to is just here. Her doctor can help us,"

"Tae, no. I-"

"No buts baby, I'm sorry but our baby's life is in danger," Taehyung sped off and Maysaa kept quiet the whole drive there, brows sweating trying to think of a way out.

And it seems thats theres none.

/////

"You..." Taehyung growls, he cant even look at Maysaa's pretty face right now. "You.. fake this fucking pregnancy?! You fucking fake it?!" Taehyung screamed out as he threw the crying girl on the floor of the parking lot.

"T-tae let me explain!"

"Explain what?! That you lied to me for thr whole seven months? About pregnancy?! Fuck, I'm a fool!" Taehyung runs his hands through his hair. How did he ever get fooled for the whole seven months? How can he be so oblivious? No wonder Maysaa didnt want to get intimate at all ever since her bump shows. He thought it was hormones or something.

"Tae, baby please..." her sobbing never stopped.

"Why? Why would you even do this?!"

"I dont want to lose you Tae," she tries to explain between sobs. "When Y/N got pregnant I got insecure. Shes so perfect and nice and Im scared you will leave me when the baby is born!"

"You know what, she is perfect. She is! Shit, I ignored her pregnancy for the whole 7 months for you fake pregnancy?!" Taehyung start to realized. "All the pain she had to endure alone. The checkups and appointments, for you?! Fuck, I'm suing you. You and your fake doctor, I'll sue them all!"

"You can do anything Tae. But baby please dont leave me. I-I love you," Maysaa is desperate. How is she supposed to leave without Taehyung? She just cant.

Taehyung scoff.

"You think I'll still be with you? You selfish, lying, manipulative bi-" Taehyung raised a hand to give her a tight slap but it was halted when his phone rang.

"Tae? Where the fuck are you? Wheres Y/N? Is everything okay?" Namjoon calls him in panic, making Taehyung confused.

"Y/N? Shes at the hotel. I left her there when I took Maysaa to the hospital hyung. You will not believe what this b-"

"Tae, Y/N is not in the hotel and the floor is covered with blood. You are saying shes not with you?" Namjoon cut him off. And the mention of not in the hotel and blood, Taehyung panics. Did something happened to his princess? To their baby?

"W-what do you mean?" Taehyung raised his voice. "Hyung, tell me. What happened? Wheres Y/N? Go and look around for her hyung! And what blood? How much blood?!"

"A-a lot Tae. Like a lot, a lot," Namjoon's voice laced with worry. "Wait, Kookie just called Jimin. Maybe he knows where Y/N is," a mix of voice filled the receiver, making Taehyung more worried as he presses the phone to try to hear what they are saying.

"Hello, guys!"

"Tae! Kookie took Y/N to her hospital. Shes bleeding Tae. Sh-" Taehyung didnt wait any longer and ran across the parking lot to the hospital building, but Maysaa catch hold of his hand. God, he forgot shes even here.

"Tae, baby. Where ate you going?! We are not done yet!" She cried out, tears ran down her face without stopping. Taehyung growls and shake his hand loose from her grip.

"Dont fucking call me baby. Dont fucking even call me anything! I should have known you are no good! I shouldnt even start with you! I have to go,"

"Tae, no!" Maysaa kneels down and hugs his leg. "Please Tae, dont leave me. I need you!" She is sobbing hysterically now but it doesnt spark even a bit of sympathy in Taehyung. All he can think about is all the tears he had cause Y/N from the very first day he brought Maysaa into her life. Y/N is the one who need him. She has been needing him for months but he wasnt there. He chose not to be there.

Princess, I am so sorry. I'm coming princess. Im coming. Wait for me. I promised you. I promised that I'll take care of you and our baby. I failed.

"Let go!" He shake his leg loose. "We are fucking over Maysaa. I'll deal with you later. And if, if anything happen to Y/N, I swear I'll make you pay!" With that Taehyung rans off, leaving Maysaa crying on her knees in the parking lot.

/////

"A-at least," she pants. "I- I'm h-appy K-kookie," Y/N gave a small smile between her pain as Jungkook followed her as she was rushed by the doctors to the emergency operation room. A few minutes after Jungkook burst into the hospital, Y/N's doctor immediately take over and set her up for an emergency operation.

The baby has to come out now.

"Happy? How can you be happy with Tae-hyung being such an asshole Y/N? Stop this Y/N! He dont deserve your smile!" Jungkook yell through his tears.

"B-because I-I will make sure I'll deliver his d-daughter safe a-and sound Kookie," she smile with enough pain to break Jungkook's heart. Blood is still all over her clothes and the stretcher bed. "T-tell him... tell hi-"

"You will tell him yourself! You will be okay. You and your daughter will be okay!" Jungkook cried out. He dont know what is going on. All he knows is that Y/N is in pain and theres a lot of blood. Everywhere.

But the panic her doctor showed once he was informed told Jungkook that this is not just a normal pregnancy bleeding or anything like it.

What is going on? And why is Y/N acting like shes saying goodbye?

"I-I'm s-sorry b-but I-I wont Kookie," Y/N's hands reached out and grasp Jungkook's shirt tight one last time. "T-tell Tae t-that I w-wasnt a-able to keep his s-song happy forever, but she will. H-his d-daughter will,"

With that, Y/N hands grazed his shirt and hands one last time as she was rolled away into the operation theatre with one last tired smile towards Jungkook, leaving him standing alone, crying in front of the door.

/////

"Y/N?! Y/N!" Taehyung is breathless as he ran to the hospital room, slamming opened the door, followed by his five hyungs who is trying to catch up, after getting to know Y/N's whereabouts after a series of forcing and threatening to sue and hit every nurse downstairs, only to find Jungkook with a tear stricken face holding a crying baby girl in his arms.

"Y..Y/N?" Taehyung cant no longer think straight as he look around. "Where the fuck is Y/N Jungkook?!" He yelled when the maknae didnt answer.

"Y/N!" Taehyung yelled, frantically looking around, they said shes here, then where is she?! Jungkook ignored him, eyes fixed in the baby girl, a sad smile grazed his wet face.

"This is your daughter hyung. She looks just like Y/N," Jungkook's voice is so soft everyone almost missed it, snapping Taehyung out from his hysteric state.

His daughter?

His daughter with Y/N? The daughter that the two of them has been waiting for all this while? Shes finally here! But Y/N isnt here with them. She isnt here celebtating this moment with him.

Shes not here. And she will never ever be.

Taehyung took the baby from Jungkook's arms with shaky hands and carressed the beautiful, tiny face.

"Y/N asked me to tell you..." Jungkook sobbed. "S-she asked me to tell you, that she hope that y-your daughter will be able to keep your song happy, because she is unable to do it any longer," Jungkook wiped his face with the sleeve of his shirt and start to walked out, stopping with his back facing Taehyung once he is at the door. "But honestly hyung, I dont think you deserve a happy song,"

Taehyung didnt say anything. He couldnt say anything. All he could do is hug the little girl tight in his arms as tears pours down, not showing any sign of stopping.

The little girl who is the only piece of Y/N left for him.

The only piece left of his song.

"You Y/N. You are the song to my life... and without you.. well, without you I am just a sad, lonely song,"

"And you, you are the song to my life too Kim Taehyung, and I promise, I will make it a happy song forever,"

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lookbluesoup · 5 years

Text

OC Interview Meme

Tagged by @tarberrymentats and @wastelandwandererstuff B)

SORRY IT TOOK ME A WHILE TO GET TO THIS GUYS spring break kept me busy xD But I AM BACK NOW AND READY TO ANSWER THESE TAGS THANK U ALL <33 It’s been a blast getting to read about everyone’s Fallout characters ;w; I’m trying to get braver about leaving comments/reblogs but in the meantime just know I SEE YOUR AWESOME CHARACTERS and I APPRECIATE THEM.

This was actually a challenge answering from Nate’s POV xD There’s stuff that I KNOW ABOUT HIM AND WANT TO SHARE but he wouldn’t volunteer or he wouldn’t view the same way so… take it for what it is! And feel free to ask questions! ;w;

It is long. Long long long. Not sorry. 16, 19, 28, and 33 are my favorites c;

1. What is your name?

Oh. Wow. We’re starting this interview off with some tough ones, hunh? Uhh… hm. My name. My name… Let me think. (overly dramatic pause) Nathaniel Christian Ronan? Yeah. That sounds right.

2. Do you know why are you named that?

I was told my name means “God has given,” because my parents didn’t actually think they’d be able to have a second kid. That and Pops was an army chaplain - wanted me to have a name reflecting the faith. He was very literal in his approach. Ronan is an Irish surname, which seemed a lot more important 200 years ago than it does today. It means… uh, oh, shoot, I used to know… Don’t worry, it’ll come to me.

3. Are you single or taken?

(chuckles) Sorry folks, my roving days are over. Got a nosy reporter waiting for me back in Diamond City... whatever time I’ve got left I’m giving it to her.

4. Have any abilities or powers?

Powers? What, like, superpowers? That’d be awesome but, hah, no. Though I’ve been told my ability to talk myself out of trouble is uncanny. My martinis were legendary, and still would be if I find the ingredients for them in this apocalyptic wasteland. Friends say I’ve got a good ear for music… Oh, and ventriloquism. That’s always fun.

5. Stop being a Mary Sue.

I know you are but what am I?

6. What’s your eye color?

Blue, like my grandmother. (blinks dramatically several times for emphasis)

7. How about your hair color?

Coal back. (runs a hand through it almost nervously) And holding up better than the rest of me, considering the complete lack of well-deserved grey hair.

8. Have any family members?

I have a son, Shaun. Piper gave me roots, and Nat’s pretty much my little sister, too, at this point. The Railroad’s been more family to me than most of my own blood ever was.

9. Oh? How about pets?

Legs Washington, an orphaned radstag I brought to the Castle. He’s a bit of a mascot for the men, follows Shaun everywhere. Yeah, it’s adorable.

10. That’s cool, I guess. Now tell me something you don’t like?

You guess? Look, after this interview, I’m taking you to the Castle to meet them yourself. Your life will be changed. There’s plenty to dislike about the Commonwealth, enough to go mad over. It’s not exactly the charming old homestead of days gone by. But we’re making it better one day at a time.

11. Do you have any activities/hobbies that you like to do?

Hah! “Duck and Cover” is a big one. Got me suspended from Railroad HQ once, though. I still say that was Deacon’s fault. I like long walks through the woods, playing baseball with Shaun, and a General’s work is never done but it does bring fulfillment. I like all those activities infinitely better when Piper’s around. Is that mushy? God, that sounds mushy. (smiles shamelessly)

12. Have you ever hurt anyone in any way before?

Yeah. Some deserved it… some I’m still trying to make up for.

13. Ever… killed anyone before?

(stops smiling) Yeah. I have. You want a kill count? Six-word soundbites about all the blood and screams and the way men look when they realize they’re about to die? It’s not a fun fact. It’s not fun. Next question.

14. Name your worst habits?

I’m afraid that information’s classified. I could tell you, but then I’d have to kill you. OH! LITTLE SEAL. That’s what Ronan means! Yeah, you know, like, selkie babies.

15. Are you gay, straight or bisexual?

Aha… seriously? I’m Pipersexual, end of story. Unless you count the undying affection between my best mate Deacon, and me, which I’ve been told occasionally inspires jealousy. Honestly, I never gave putting a name to my romantic inclinations much thought. It’s always been women, but maybe I just never met the right man.

16. Do you look up to anyone at all?

Piper, for sure. She’s - the way she sees the world? It gives me hope. She’s brave, brave enough to fight for what she believes in. No matter how bad it gets she always finds a light to hold onto, somehow, and keep going. And she’s genuine. I didn’t know what courage really was until I met her. Scribbles’ friendship is… a hell of a lot more than I deserve. I wouldn’t be the same without it. And, God, she’s funny. Sweet, and - a-ha, hm… we’d be here all day if I tried to list all the reasons why I love her.

I also have immense respect for Nick Valentine. He’s a good guy. Without ‘im, I might still be chasing my tail out in the woods somewhere. Or worse. Nick was a friend to me when I needed it most, put everything on the line to help me find my son - didn’t even hesitate. I’ll never be able to repay him for that.

17. What kind of animal are you?

One of a kind. (winks)

18. Do you go to school?

The Commonwealth has a way of schooling everyone, doesn’t it? I’m a bit too old for arithmetic and hall passes, but I never stop learning, if that’s what you mean.

19. Ever want to marry and have kids one day?

I’-ve… been down that road before. (breaks eye contact abruptly) Times were uncertain enough when Shaun was born. Now? Scribbles and I roll the dice every day of our lives. Asking her to marry me – starting over – was the scariest thing I’ve ever done. A baby would be, uh, a really big change. (smiles briefly, uncertain) Maybe if – no, I don’t know. Piper’s never shown any desire for something like that. If she did – even if she did... (sighs) I – look. Let’s just move on, okay?

20. Do you have any fangirls/fanboys?

Oh yeah, I have an ensemble of groupies that follow me around the wasteland with a pack brahmin and an eyebot.They pitch my tent for me and cook all my meals. I pay for services with my autograph instead of caps. (rolls eyes, but keeps a smile)

21. What are you most afraid of?

Losing someone I love. I know we don’t get any guarantees out here in the wasteland, but… loss never gets any easier. It makes it hard to open up, y’know? I spent a long time keeping folks who cared about me at arm’s length, and some days it’s still a challenge.

22. What do you usually wear?

What you see is what you get! Derbys, slacks, a shirt as white as I can get it in these conditions, and a black vest, because that never goes out of style. My favorite hat is - take a look at this. It’s a bicorne. Has anyone worn that since the French Revolution? It’s great. I love it. Piper doesn’t.

23. What’s one food that tempts you?

You know what I miss? Chocolate. I’d kill for chocolate. … kidding.

24. Am I annoying to you?

Hah! I married a journalist. This is just another Tuesday.

25. Well, it’s still not over!

Look, if I’m not back by seven…

26. What class are you (low/middle/high)?

I mean… it’s not like anyone��s ‘wealth’ compares to what it was like before the war. I’m not living off charred molerat, but I certainly won’t be moving into the Upper Stands anytime soon. Most of what I have, I made myself.

27. How many friends do you have?

More than I deserve. Piper and Deacon are probably my two best friends though. Nick, Preston, and Kent oughta be mentioned, too.

28. What are your thoughts on pie?

You mean those damn perfectly preserved slices stuck in the Port-A-Diners? God, I’ve tried everything. I spent an entire afternoon trying to break in. What is the glass even made of? I couldn’t put a scratch on it. You have to just keep pushing the button. Over and over. I’m convinced it’s all some Vault-Tec conspiracy. There is no pie. The pie is a lie. Piper says she managed it once, but I don’t believe her.

29. Favorite drink?

Nuka cherry! No question.

30. What’s your favorite place?

There’s a spot up at the top of Diamond City. I mean the top top, even higher than the Stands. Clear night with a full moon? You can see for miles. Can’t be beat.

31. Are you interested in anyone?

You’ve - been listening, right? Aha, was I unclear about being madly in love?

32. That was a stupid question…

You’d be surprised how often it gets asked. (chuckles)

33. Would you rather swim in a lake or the ocean?

Lake. Definitely. I’m marginally less likely to get eaten there. That being said, I was up in Maine once, went out to pick lure weed. You know, those radioactive yellow flowers that grow in muddy ponds? Bad idea.Terrible idea. Maine is a terrible place and I will not be building a summer home there e-ver.

34. What’s your type?

Kickass reporters with the brightest hazel eyes you’ve ever seen, hair like Aphrodite, and a smile to make you melt.

35. Any fetishes?

Look, you’re very nice. Really. And I appreciate the interest, but ah, this isn’t any of your business. Only one person gets to ask me about those and - you aren’t her.

36. Camping or outdoors?

Camping? Oh man, those were the days. An RV trip would be the bomb. It’s not much of an option these days. But I’m used to sleeping rough, and I gotta admit, it has its charm.

#anyone who hasn't done this is tagged #nate ronan #meme #tag #oc interview #screenshot #pipan #piper x sole #fallout #fallout 4

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negasonicimagines · 5 years

Text

TEAM (Part Two)

I forgot to mention that this fic is partially inspired by Lorde’s “Team,” hence the title. Kind of about how no matter how much you and the other characters here bicker, you’re all on each others’ team.

This is the second part to TEAM (Part One) [but I hope that’d be obvious] and therefore is inspired by the same request and has essentially the same trigger warnings.

“So, you and Ellie, huh? About time,” Logan remarks, and you feel yourself blush.

“No! It’s not like that! I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’d be the luckiest girl in the world, but, uh… No, it’s not like that.”

“Are you sure about that? I’ve seen the way you two are together. When she’s not looking at you or her phone, she’s watching everyone else like a hawk, like they’re threats. Honestly, Piotr’s worried about her.”

At the mention of Wade’s friend, you’re reminded of what Logan said before, about the thing that he knew that he shouldn’t tell her, the thing Wade also knew.

“What was that, anyway? The thing you knew that you didn’t know before that you would’ve told me if you had but couldn’t tell me?”

“I’m afraid that’s Wade’s business.”

“Great,” you remark. “So, I’ll never know.”

“Listen, kid, I know the stuff he said-”

“Screamed.”

“The stuff he screamed at you was pretty fucking awful. But… He had his reasons, okay? Being around him, being as close to him as you were was dangerous. It made you a target,” Logan explains.

“When will you people realize that I can’t die forever?! I’ve died plenty of times, and I always come back! Let me make my own decisions!”

“How many times have you died, Y/N?” Logan asks.

“It’s just… Hard not to starve when my mom kicks me out over school breaks, especially with the metabolism that comes with a healing factor. I can’t stay with Wade all the time, he has himself and Al to worry about. Muggers don’t like when you don’t have money. Mom doesn’t like me when I don’t have money. I don’t know, probably like eight or nine times.”

“You should’ve come here!” Logan scolds, and you want to curl in on yourself, just like before. “I’m sorry. He and I both know just how much dying can fuck you up, so, to hear you say that you’ve died.... And that you don’t care if you do? It’s concerning, to say the least.”

“Boo-hoo, Y/N’s crazy. Who isn’t?” you remark, annoyed at his concern. Men, they always think they know better.

He sighs. “Listen. You should just talk to him, I’m sure-”

“No,” you say, and it comes out as a whimper. The wound was still fresh. “I don’t want to.”

“Hey, he’s not gonna hurt you,” Logan reassures you. “He probably feels bad for what he said, and-”

“I said no,” you cut him off, but the sad tone in your voice doesn’t make you sound very convincing.

“And he’s not gonna apologize unless he thinks you wanna hear it. You know how Wade gets when he feels guilty, he doesn’t know how to deal with it.”

“Well, I don’t wanna hear an apology. I just want him to be my friend again, like before. That’s it. I don’t care to know why, or how, or whatever. I just miss my friend,” you admit, and Logan sighs.

“Okay...”

“Is it alright if I go? I wanna get started on my Chemistry homework.”

“Yeah,” Logan says. “Go ahead. See you next Wednesday. Or, sooner, if you need anything.”

You leave the gym, making your way to your dorm with your head down, when you bump into a familiar red-suited man.

“Sorry,” you squeak, not even able to meet the eyes of the mask, before attempting to go past him. He stops you, grabbing at your shoulder, but you flinch away. “Please d-don’t…”

“Y/N…” Wade murmurs, filled with remorse at his rampage. He’d made you scared of him, which means it worked, but he regrets how much it hurt you. “I’m not gonna hurt you.”

“You’re not, huh?” Ellie, swiftly approaching, asks. “Pretty sure you already did, Deadpool.”

“I just wanted-” he starts, but Ellie, your avenging angel, cuts him off.

“You just wanted what, huh? To terrorize them more, is that it?

“Terrorize? I-”

“You what? Didn’t? Because as someone who sleeps in the same room as Y/N, I can confirm that you did. They cry in their sleep like they did the day it happened. Did you know that, that you made them cry? I guess you do now. So, leave, before I decide I’m going to follow you out the door and blow you to Hell.”

“E-Ellie, I said not to hurt him,” you quietly tell her, and she clenches her fists, grumbling.

“You did?” Wade asks.

“Of course,” you respond meekly, tapping the tips of your fingers together and avoiding the gaze of everyone around you. and Ellie places an arm around you, glaring at Wade without mercy.

“I’m- I’m so sorry, Y/N. I- I just didn’t know what to do, so much was happening. I was so angry at the situation, so scared for your safety, and I took all that aggression out on you, the one person I should’ve been channeling those feelings into protecting, and I- I know I already said it, but I’m a blabbermouth with nothing else to say, so… I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry, kid. I know you probably don’t care, you just wanna start over and stay the hell away from me, but I’m sorry. And my door’s always open.”

“Thank you. I forgive you,” you nod, smiling a little, You’re already starting to feel better, more like yourself.

“You what?” Ellie questions, shaking with anger. “He hurt you. He shouldn’t ever be forgiven.”

“She’s right,” Wade agrees, head down.

“Well, it’s my forgiveness, and I can do whatever the hell I want with it,” you remind them, shrugging.

“There she is,” Wade says quietly, and you can somehow tell that he’s smiling. You don’t know if it’s body language, tone of voice, or what, but he’s smiling.

“I’m sorry for making you worry. I’m gonna keep living here, and I’m gonna keep taking better care of myself, so no one has to worry about me again,” you inform him.

“Wrong goal, but I appreciate the method. I don’t mind worrying about you, kid, but I’d rather worry about you not doing your homework than about the next time you’re gonna collapse on my porch, dead.”

“What?” Ellie wonders, and you groan. “Wait, have you died?”

“Goddammit, Wade,” you grumble. “She didn’t know that.”

“H-how?”

“Not important,” you tell her.

“No, it is, Y/N. You want all of us to get over the fact that you can die, but the truth is that you need to get over the fact that we care if you die,” Wade corrects you. There’s no malice in his tone, but the words themselves cause anxiety to slither out of the pit of your stomach like a snake and curl around your lungs and heart, maintining a tight grip.

“It’s because of you not eating or sleeping enough, isn’t it?” Ellie asks. “That’s what you guys were in that fight about the other morning, isn’t it?”

“Yeah,” you admit, and Ellie closes her eyes, taking a deep, shaky breath and trying to remain calm for your sake, for her own sake.

“Right,” she responds, sighing. “Well, I’m not letting that happen again.”

“Challenge accepted,” you chuckle, and she rolls her eyes.

“I was just on my way back to Photography. Forgot my camera. See you later.”

She makes her way in the direction of the classroom, disappearing around a corner.

“Man, if she didn’t hate me before, she sure does now,” Wade says, and you smile, shaking your head. “Really?” he asks.

“Photography is Mondays and Thursdays… And she didn’t even have her camera.”

Wade scoffs. “Well, she’s definitely taking good care of you. I always knew she would, one day. When did you two finally make it official? I’m sorry that I missed it.”

“We haven’t made anything official, Wade, she doesn’t like me like that. We’re just close friends.”

He rolls his eyes, going to playfully shove your shoulder, but you flinch away. He sighs.

“I’m sorry,” he says again. “I- I was so cruel, I just wanted to say whatever i could to get you away, to protect you, from m-”

“From what? The thing Logan keeps talking about?”

“What thing?” he asks, sounding a bit panicked.

“He keeps saying that there’s this thing he knows that he would’ve told me if he’d known before but he shouldn’t tell me now. It’s super weird, but he said you were going to tell me before you- You-” You stop yourself from continuing, still, shaking a little bit at the memory. It was only the day before yesterday.

“Yeah,” he responds quietly. “It was part of the reason I did that. I just- Us being friends was already dangerous, and you being- You- You’re- I- I’m so sorry I left you with her, if I’d known, if I’d known she was pregnant...I would’ve done the right thing! I’m not that kind of dirtbag, you’ve gotta believe me, and I’m just so, so sorry. Everything that’s wrong with your life, maybe it wouldn’t have happened if I’d just thought- If I’d just thought, but I was young, and stupid, and there’s nothing I can do now except own up to it, own up to the fact that I- I am- I’m- Oh, please…” He practically falls into you, wrapping his arms around your neck. You feel him shake with sobs, and you cry, too, but with a different emotion. Not regret, but happiness.

“You? You’re him?” you ask, and he readjusts himself, backing away from you.

“I’m sorry, I should’ve asked before hugging, I just didn’t think it was gonna be so hard, and you’re my best friend, and I- I don’t know, I don’t know. I’m so sorry that I’m your father.”

“You are? You’re sorry?” you ask, knowing that he’s apologizing because he regrets it, regrets you and your entire existence.

“Not in the way you’re thinking! You- You deserve so much better, I wanted so much better for you,” he reassures you, or, at least, attempts to.

“How do you even know?”

“I just… I talked to Xavier to see if he had any connections that could help me find your father, and he said he did, but he insisted that I give him a sample of my DNA to see if they match before he used his connections. I laughed it off, but then… it was a match.”

“How’d you get my DNA?” You wonder.

“Oh, I stuck a cotton swab in your mouth while you were sleeping. Wasn’t hard, you’re a really heavy sleeper,” he says, and you have a faint memory of the dream you had about a week ago where you were abducted by aliens that wanted to harvest your DNA to create genetically modified pet humans for their home planet. You laugh.

“So, you found out it was a match, and then… You were angry about it? Hated that the Wilson family legacy wasn’t going to end with you?”

“No. I was angry, yeah, but at myself. I was irresponsible, and my best friend in the whole world sufferred because of it. I never recognized your mom the times I’d seen her, and we had sex!”

“You had sex with my mom? Bro code violation alert!” you joke, and he chuckles bitterly.

“Right?” he responds. “But… I don’t even know where to go from here. Things can’t go back to normal, that’s not okay. I need to step up. And, even if it was the right thing to do, going back to normal… I get the feeling that you’re not gonna be that comfortable around me for a while. I was… I was just like my dad. My worst fucking fear.”

“You’re not him, okay? I promise.”

“I should be comforting you,” he says, stepping towards you. Out of renewed instinct, you step back. He’s heartbroken.

“Try- Try not to take it personally, I’m like this with just about everybody,” you attempt to make him feel better, but he shakes his head.

“You haven’t been like this with me, not before- Before I did what I did. Said those things, those awful, untrue things. Why did I say those things? They weren’t the truth, they were the opposite of it. I love hearing from you, it makes every day better. Finding you on my couch is a great feeling, knowing that someone as great as you trusts me, sees me as someone who can keep them safe.”

“And my memes?” You ask in a sarcastically accusatory tone.

“The funniest,” he replies. “Can I- Can I give you a hug?”

You nod, and he surges forward, wrapping you up in his arms and spinning you around.

“I always hoped it’d be like that,” you quietly admit, and he beams.

“Listen, we can talk later at dinner. I think you’ve got a certain girl you need to talk to, and she and her metal accomplice are approaching.”

“I think she’s his accomplice,” you correct with a laugh.

“Gotta bounce before the hardest guy on Earth ropes me into another mission. I’ll be back, though, kid.”

“Yeah. See you soon…”

“Wade’s fine for now, unless you wanna call me something else. We can negotiate later, ‘kay? Love you, bye.” Wade scurries down the hall, not realizing that he’s going towards the dorms, not the exit.

“Wade Wilson!” calls Piotr from behind you, and you turn around to see that Ellie is far closer to you than she is to Piotr, having gone faster on her smaller, lighter legs.

“Uh, hello…” you say dumbly.

“Based on your expression, I’d say that discussion went well.”

“Very well. Thank you for giving him the opportunity to talk to me alone, I’m sure you didn’t wanna do that.”

“I didn’t, but I figured it was the best option. Tell me more on the way to the dorm.”

“Well, uh… He apologized, a lot. Not just for the fights.”

“For letting you die?”

“No. Worse.”

“Holy shit, what’d he do, and why haven’t I heard about it?” She asks, tense.

“Because I didn’t know,” you reply defensively. “He’s- He’s my biological father, Ellie.”

“Whoa… Seriously? How long has he known?”

“I don’t know, but not long, the DNA tests were recently. He just wanted to help me find my dad and when he asked Xavier if he had any way of helping, the Professor said that he had to submit a sample to be tested. Turn’s out the old man’s hunch was right. You… You still wanna be friends, right?”

“Yeah, of course, why wouldn’t I?” Ellie wonders.

“I just- I know you don’t like Wade very much, and I’m technically his daughter, so…”

“So? That doesn’t mean I don’t love you anymore,” Ellie argues, and then covers her mouth.

“You love me?”

“Yeah, but just, like, in a friend way,” she plays it off rather smoothly, in her opinion, but you sigh in disappointment before you can stop yourself. “Wait, do you love me in a not-friend way?”

“Not really sure what you wanna hear,” you respond, feeling the recently-sealed cracks in your heart refracturing.

“Do you?” she asks.

You’re silent as the two of you walk to your shared dorm.

“Y/N, I asked you a question. Do you love me as a friend, or as more?”

You feel overheated and nauseous, that’s how nervous you are. You attempt to take some steadying breaths before answering: “More.”

“Oh, thank god…” she sighs. “I- I told you on Monday, when you fell asleep with me. But you were asleep, so, you didn’t hear me… Duh… I sound so stupid right now, don’t I?”

“No, not at all! Jeez, today just keeps getting better and better, I mean it!” You exclaim.

“Can- Can I kiss you?” Ellie asks nervously, and your eyes widen, but you nod. She takes your face in her hands and just goes for it, pressing her lips to yours. You respond immediately, wrapping your arms around her neck while her hands slip past your face and into your hair, tugging gently. You let out a small, quiet moan at that, and you can feel her smirk a little. She kisses you faster, pushing her body closer to yours, and your knees give out. She catches you in the nick of time, laughing a bit at how easily flustered you are as she nudges you toward the bed, sitting there with you. “Your knees are right, we probably shouldn’t rush into things.”

“Yeah…” you admit, resting your head on her shoulder.

“I love you…” She mumbles. “I’ve loved you for a long time, actually.”

“Same here. When did you know?”

Ellie replies: “It’s kind of embarrassing.”

“I can tell you first, if you want,” you offer.

“Yeah, do that…” She says.

“I just realized that every time I was upset, you were there, making me feel better. Even if you didn’t know it. Every time my mom hit me, or I got stabbed by an asshole mugger, or I was about to faint from hunger… You were right there. Making my life better just by existing.”

“I wish I could’ve been right there in person, to help you,” Ellie says, and you shake your head.

“That’s not the point. The point is that you did, without even trying. You always make me happy, without even trying.You just have to be there and everything is better.”

“That’s really nice… I feel dumb now,” Ellie confesses.

“It’s not dumb! Probably not, I mean…” you reply, nuzzling her chest a bit as you try to get a bit cozier.

“Um...You probably don’t know this, but I used to get in fights a lot before we met. And Piotr would always lecture me, telling me it wasn’t heroic to fight out of anger. That I should fight for something, not because of something. That I should be aware of the consequences that come with fighting, and truly think about them before I did. I never understood what he meant, and then we met and became friends… Then best friends…

“I didn’t even realize that before every fight, even the ones I was assigned, I’d think about how I was going to make the world a better place for you. I’d think about what you would think if you heard what I was doing. I- I made a mistake at one point, got angry over nothing and got into another stupid, pointless fight. It was the first time in awhile I’d heard Colossus’s spiel, and I realized my thinking process with every world he spoke. It all just made me think of how I feel about you. You’d made me a better person, more mindful of the consequences of my actions, my thoughtless, immature violence. That’s when I knew.”

“Oh, shut up! That’s way better than mine and not embarrassing at all! Show-off,” you remark, and she chuckles.

“That was fucking beautiful!” Wade wails from behind the door.

“I think I liked it better when you two weren’t friends,” Ellie comments, and you smile at her, shaking your head. She takes your hand in hers and squeezes gently.

“Oh, come on. You can’t hate him. I mean, I wouldn’t exist without him, for a few reasons. I mean, he’s the one who passed me the gene for a healing factor, even if his was recessive before. And, I mean, he’s the sperm donor either way.”

“I heard that!” he shouts, and Ellie smiles at you, planting another kiss on your lips.

You could get used to this.

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radiantseraphina · 5 years

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Do you have any advice for writers who just. Don't have an experiance with important things? Like, if I wrote a story with a plot that followed conflicts I personally deal with, it would be whiny and dull. But I worry if I try to branch out to issues other people face, my lack of experiance on the topic will come across as plastic, or worse that im trying to profit off of other people's problems. But every story needs a conflict of some kind,,, and you get the picture

Hmm… If you feel comfortable with it, send me an ask with maybe some examples of what you’re thinking of, so I can give you some more specific advice. Because, like, writing about racism is quite different from writing, about, say child abuse? Also, I would argue that you shouldn’t so easily discount your own experiences and that there are, well, still plots you can write that wouldn’t fall into these, but that’s another post entirely. But here are my general thoughts in loose categories.

Firstly, do your research, preferably from people who have experienced whatever you want to write about. That’s crucial to approaching experiences that you don’t have. Aside from things like slaying dragons. Literal ones, of course. Metaphorical ones may still require research. But here’s the thing. Simply put, most problems are complicated. So how do you keep, for example, your story about racism/homophobia/sexism/ableist/etc. from sounding like a Very Special Episode™?

Keep in mind that most people know these things are bad. That’s why people always deny being them. Bob the Bigot isn’t homophobic; Bob the Bigot is ‘I don’t have a problem with gay people, BUT–’ So you need to go beyond X is Bad. And I’ll admit that’s something I struggle with. Incidentally, that’s why in DLU Alera’s racism stems from her insecurities (and her desire for money, which comes up later); Alera is constantly afraid of giving up her power, so she tries to make sure she has all of it and constantly tries to claim it’s what Bikaia would have wanted. Do I succeed? I don’t know. Maybe. She’s also loosely based off a certain president, but we won’t go there. So I suppose this boils down to ‘don’t just make someone racist/sexist/homophobic; give them reasons for being racist.’

And I don’t mean, ‘this person hates gay people because a bisexual woman named Seraphina murdered their wife.’ Your readers aren’t going to be fooled by such an obvious ploy for sympathy. Like, I do think you can have a character be whatever because they don’t think they are, and that tells us something other than Don’t Be Racist, Zelda. But do the extra work beyond X Is Bad.

(That being said, if you are looking at writing about racism/ableism/transphobia you would definitely want to ask someone besides me. As much as I’ve learned about these from academia and other places, I am still an able-bodied cisgender white lady.)

So now, you’ve made your plot something besides a Very Special Episode™. At this point, you need to look at your characters. Why? Because characters drive plot. So if you’re writing about sexism/racism/homophobia/ableism, you’re probably going to have characters who are very diverse. You might have a hard time writing about biphobia if you don’t have an bisexual people in your story. So at this point (assuming I’d already done my research about these complicated issues), I would look at TVTropes. I’m not even kidding. It’s a great source for finding all the negative stereotypes associated with any given group of people.

Now, here’s where it gets tricky. Some tropes you very obviously should not use. But you also need to use some judgment here. For example, just because the Dashing Hispanic is a trope…doesn’t mean you should simply go to the complete opposite end of the spectrum and never write a Hispanic swordsman, even when the setting would call for it, and make all your Hispanic characters as un-dashing and unattractive as possible. And really, a lot of things (but definitely not all!) can be fixed if you humanize your characters really well. So keep in mind that your Hispanic swordsman isn’t just a swordsman or defined solely by his swordsmanship. Just like you aren’t also just a student/writer/whatever. Or maybe you take away the dashing bit and turn him into a flustered mess anytime a man/woman/nonbinary pal pops into the room.

Incidentally, some tropes can also be a good starting point if you notice there is a lack of diversity in them. I’ve been wanting to, for example, write a female Swashbuckler character (and well as a lady Hannibal Lecter) for ages and just haven’t gotten around to it.

(I personally also look up sporkings (chapter by chapter critiques) and/or reviews of relevant books for tips. Right now, I’m following a sporking of Mists of Avalon, once considered the feminist Arthurian adaptation before it was revealed what a horrific person Bradley was. Do I like Mists of Avalon or Marion Zimmerman Bradley? No. But if I want to write a bestselling feminist version of the Arthurian legend revolving around Sir Gawaine, I’m damn sure going to learn all the historical, feminist, homophobic, etc., missteps Bradley made. And I’ll happily recommend some sporkings if you’re trying to avoid certain things.)

So let’s say you don’t want to write about any of that. Let’s say you’re wanting to write about trauma. Depending on what you write, you want to be careful not to romanticize certain things. I’m not going to lie. As someone who was sexually abused as a kid, that is the absolute minimum standard for me. I cannot stand to read massive swaths of the romance and YA genres simply because of the way the Broody, Threatening Love Interest™ is romanticized. And as with anything else, do your research and ask questions. (Incidentally, the National Novel Writing Month forums are great for inquiries like this). Above all, be respectful.

If you can find them, beta readers are always a good option, especially if you can find people who have experienced the things you’re writing about. Or if you just have a couple of questions, you can always anon someone on Tumblr. Yes, some people may blow you off, but some of them won’t, especially if you’re polite and can show that you’ve already put forth effort to research that matter. (And not even kidding, I would answer EVERY bigoted question about the people of Appalachia if I NEVER had to read another nursing paper talking about how we’re “too stupid” to breastfeed and “feed all our babies Mountain Dew” ever again.)

Now, as for this profiting off others business. Let’s say you write your story, and it does actually bring you profit. Then, you use your platform to promote the voices of people who do have those experiences, and you acknowledge the great debt that you owe that community for sharing their experiences with you. And you acknowledge the luck and privilege that got you where you are. Support people working in the same area! You wrote a novel about a man in a terribly abusive relationship, and it becomes a bestseller? Great! Use your spotlight to share resources for abuse victims. You wrote a novel about a young person transitioning, and it garnered some success? Fantastic! Why don’t you point people to that underappreciated transgender writer?

And sometimes? You’re going to make mistakes, and sometimes, being told that you’ve made mistakes will really hurt because you’ve worked so hard not to make them. I know. I’ve been there a couple of times. When I wrote DLU, I knew I could get some things right. I knew I could write about child abuse and being mistreated by someone you loved and still loving and fearing that person because I’ve been there. And I knew I could write about depression and loneliness and struggling to trust people because I’d been there. I could even say I knew a little bit about classism because I grew up dirt-poor in rural Appalachia, babysitting my brother since I was nine because both of my parents worked multiple jobs.

But I also knew that when I wanted to make Meta Knight a Hispanic man that I was opening myself up to criticism about race. And when I wanted to make Bandanna Dee a trans man, I knew I was opening myself up to criticism about transphobia. And I knew that when I wanted to make one of the primary villains a really racist, evil queen that I was treading on ground that I had no personal experience with. And we haven’t even gotten to Nightmare’s backstory, which basically features the first-hand colonization of Traumwald. So guess what? Sometimes, I’ve gotten it really right. And sometimes, I’ve really screwed it up and had people send me messages saying, ‘Sera, no.’

(And this is crucial; what I haven’t gotten is ‘don’t try to write this type of character.’ Generally, people like seeing different characters with different problems, and if you treat those characters and your readers with respect, your readers will treat you with respect).

But if you’re going to take any one thing away from this post, let it be this: do your best and learn to accept criticism with grace. Don’t let your fear of messing up keep you from ever trying. It is far better to try and write an experience, having approached it with respect and nuance, than it is not to. And sometimes, you will mess up, and that’s okay. You apologize, you learn, and you do better. I, personally, would rather see a writer fail, learn, and do better than to never try at all. Because that’s what writing is. It’s a process of continually working to improve yourself.

#...although I don't know why you're asking a degenerate like me #Sera tries Writing!#looking at some of the...recent YA scandals might also be helpful #but don't let them scare you away from trying to branch out

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garretsyndrome · 6 years

Text

An Ode to that one time I tried to enroll for a Tom Gurney RP

Okay so here’s the deal: a cool uwu ( @relicunth ) from the CCE tag saw my Tom Gurney draws and that one Tom/Trent thing I did and wondered how in the hell I was able to come up with that fucking wild af pairing. Well, now you’re about to find out.

As most of you don’t probably know, I love Tom Gurney with every fiber of my being. I may not draw him as much as smops but Tom has been one of my favorite babes ever since the beginning of time. Actually, my favorite clique in the whole game are the Bullies so that’s not much of a surprise. There are also only two characters I tried to RP for in the peak of the 2012-2013 CCE era: Ethan and Tom. I planned on making a Trent ask blog once but that didn’t come into fruition because I don’t draw fast at all.

Anyway, here’s the long ass supposed-to-be-ficlet-turned-full-on-story-draft about Tom Gurney that I wrote for that RP thing. It’s like an enrollment essay but funnier. Also, it’s what started my spiral into the Torent (eh? im good at this im telling you) madness back in the day. I would post more ficlets if y’all liked it. More like drafts cos I was a messy aspiring fanfic writer during those years.

Enjoy!

The First (and Probs Last) Chapter

BAM!

I woke up to the sound of a loud banging on my bedroom door.

I lay still for a moment, my eyes wide open as it scanned around the room for anything that might be wrong or out of place. What in the freaking hell is happening, that I don’t know, but one thing’s for sure – I bet my own ass that it’s going to be a very long day.

“C’mon, man! Open up! Something’s happening outside!” I heard Trent’s voice come up from the other side; his fists ceaselessly pounding at the door.

Feeling dizzy as hell, I blinked a few times to get rid of the grogginess I felt when the sound of yelling and cheering from the outside seeped through my unwilling awareness. Though my curiosity gave me a minor urge to go and check it out, my utter laziness was having none of it. I tried to ignore the uproar, as I was far more concerned with getting back to sleep, but I also knew that Trent’s incessant pestering wasn’t about to stop. However comfortable I may be laying in my bed and very much against opening the damned door, I knew Trent wouldn’t back down until he sees my bruised face out some stupid door crack and drag me to wherever it was he’s so excited about.

And so I groaned and fixed my polo shirt – I must have slept in my school clothes again – and looked for my shoes.

“TOM! YOU ALIVE IN THERE?!” Trent shouted, and I was really tempted to yell back a loud and obnoxious no just to shut him up. Although I’m a bit thankful that the door was somehow able to subtly muffle his noise, it can’t cover the fact that it was still annoying as fuck. “DUDE, HURRY UP!”

“Shit," I cursed and ran my fingers through my hair, forgetting about finding my shoes and stormed to the door. This dude needed some serious shutting up.

“What, Trent? Whad’dya want?” I kept my voice as calm as I could, keeping the tone of irritation from spilling out. But, unfortunately, it didn’t exactly go the way I wanted to and came out more like a snarl than that of my usual lazy tone.

“Eesh. Sorry, dude.” He looked me up from head to toe, completely ignoring what I said, and stopped to stare at my face. “Man, you look like shit. Were you sleeping?”

“What do you think?” I deadpanned.

Wasn’t it pretty obvious? What else could I be possibly doing in here? Well, of course, that is when you scratch out the ‘extracurricular activities’ I do to pass the time. I’m a growing boy and you know how someone like me can have these… needs every so often.

Sighing, I scratched my cheek and yawned as my other hand went down to rub my stomach.

“What were you yelling for, man? Surely, you didn’t come here just to piss me off – though I wouldn’t put that past you…” I said the last part under my breath, turning around as I continued the search for my frickin’ shoes. I hate those damn things but I might as well get dressed properly – and by properly, I meant the usual way I dress with the inclusion of them on my feet – before Trent gets all jumpy again and remembers what he was going to tell me. I found my right shoe hidden under the bed, but I can’t seem to find the other one…

“Holy shit, yeah! Fix yourself already, man! You can’t miss this!” he excitedly relayed, jumping like a ten year old who was on an extreme sugar rush. “I’m sure you’ll enjoy it.”

And then he grinned. There it was – the “full-on sinning” grin. I sighed once again and rolled my eyes.

“Yeah, yeah – sure. Just let me get thi –” I didn’t even get to finish my sentence when he abruptly grabbed my arm and pulled me up towards the door, my other shoe lying isolated beside my clothes’ cabinet. I struggled from his grasp and dragged my bare foot against the floor, hoping to slow him down, as I craned my head to my open dorm room.

“Trent! What the hell, man?! What about my fucking shoe?” I barked, but he didn’t even look back nor gave as much of a glimpse at me as he continued to drag me along the corridor and towards the double doors. As we passed the hall, I noticed a group of students walking and running around in circles, obviously hyped up about something. Some were talking amongst themselves while some were running about to tell their own peers – as what Trent did to me. The noise from outside was getting louder as we neared the door, and I can’t help my own faltered curiosity to spike up a bit.

“Forget about it! You have your socks on, right? Bear with it for a minute,” he shot back, eyes focused on where we’re walking and trying to evade, punch, or elbow the kids also passing through. “I’m telling you, there’s some big shit going on.”

I wriggled my arm out of his hold until he let go, which was the only time he finally turned around to see what was happening behind him. He stopped in his tracks and then gave me a confused look.

“Alright,” I said, relenting to his ‘annoyingness’. “I’m going with you – but you don’t have to drag me there. I can walk by myself, man.”

He nodded curtly like he had just correctly answered the 10th question of Hattrick’s math problem in today’s pop quiz and grinned at me, then put his hand just on the surface of the double doors, like he was about to present the greatest surprise of the century.

“It’ll be a riot, man. I’m tellin’ ya,” he assured me one last time, before finally pushing the doors open and leading me outside.

If the ‘fun’ he was talking about involves beating the crap out of others, then I’m not so sure if I’d really enjoy that. I know I’m a bully – I like my friends, I like how we are and I feel like I belong with them. They accept me and I accept them; we respect each other. But I still can’t help but feel a little too tired with our clique’s rough ways and the crap we give others. There have been a lot of times when I found myself thinking if what we we’re doing to new kids, little kids, or to the over-all student population in general, is still worth all the fun or fuss. They might think so…

But I don’t.

Wow, that’s... pretty deep. I didn’t even realize when I started to feel slightly guilty of what we do. I just started feeling it like it was some kinda parasite that slowly grew inside my chest; and now, although I still beat or scare the living shit out of people, I don’t get to enjoy them as much as I did back then. I’m afraid that I’ve gone a little soft – too soft – from what I was used to. I sometimes feel like I deserve to somehow pay for what I’ve done – maybe that’s why I think others are always out to get me. I’ve got enough bruises and a permanent black eye to be wary of – I don’t need more scars and marks on the rest of my body to haunt me for the rest of my life. But on the other hand, I could say that these 'sore spots' have helped me numerous times as a reminder to always watch out for myself. I do have to admit that it still sucks, though.

Hell, I can’t even get a girl to like me – or, at least cyber with me – ‘cause of these frickin’ contusions. I think that’s where it kinda stings the most.

As we set foot on top of the stairs, the yells and cheers got louder and nearer and I can see a group of kids rushing in to the side of the dorm, probably to get a glimpse of the ongoing riot. Trent and I hurried down the steps to the increasing huddle of students, who were shouting curses and cat-calls and such, and tried to get a glimpse of our own.

I stuck my head through an opening above the shoulders of two Preps – I didn’t even care who they were; I just wanted to see what was happening even if it meant getting close to those goddamned stuck-up, spoiled, little pukes. Good thing they were too caught up with what was happening, or I would have had to punch their mouth shut if there ever was a complaint or two. I know what I said, doesn’t mean I'll have to be a saint about it.

I saw a snatch of two brawling bodies getting it on at the center of the cheering crowd, a small one in a green vest and a larger one in a white shirt. There were a throw of punches in the air, growls of struggle, and a series of clawing nails at each other – and from what I could see, the smaller one was completely being destroyed.

I tried to see more, but the snob-fairies were getting rowdier by the second, hitting me in the jaw and cheek as they jumped up and pumped their fists with excitement. I was about to shove them aside when I heard someone call my name. I backed up a step and looked around.

“Dude, over here!” Trent called, waving his arm at me from an open space in a corner, almost near the wall. I quickly went to him, absent-mindedly hitting the humongous head of one of the fairies, and slipped my way through. When I got to him, we ducked through the thrashing limbs and bodies of another array of wild students and sneaked to the front; crouched to our knees.

“What’s going on, man?” I asked him, shoving an arm out of my way that almost hit me in the head again.

“Not sure, but I think someone’s making a mess outta somebody – bigtime. Look at all the hype!” he exclaimed, grinning stupidly as we pushed our way through legs and legs of students. As we reached the front, we immediately stood up and looked to where the crowd’s focus was on, our eyes growing wide with the scene we caught sight of.

The white shirt guy appeared to be Davis – who’s pounding the shit out of a kid I’m sure I hadn’t had the chance of knowing. I guess he was a new one – ‘fresh meat’ – as they would say. The kid was covering his head with his arms, scratching and kicking at Davis – trickles of blood coming down from his mouth. He was struggling and thrashing with all his might; trying to land, at least, one punch or kick on Davis’s body.

Trent was already cheering along with the crowd, rooting for Davis all the way. Even though I’m used to seeing this kind of activity around Bullworth, as I do them myself, I can’t help but feel sorry for the new kid. Geez, he was clutching his body like he was holding on to the very last thread of his life for God’s sake! And if that didn’t count for something, I don’t know what will. Looking for someone to agree with me, I grabbed Trent by the arm and told him that we should stop Davis’s mad rampage before it got worse.

But he only gave me a weird look and shrugged.

“Why the hell would you want to do that?” he asked disbelievingly, as if I’d gone crazy or something. “Dude, chill out – Davis ain’t gonna kill the kid. He’s just giving him a taste of the old Bullworth spirit.”

After a worried look at me for a slight second, he shrugged and went back to cheering in on them as I groaned and continued to watch; my mind saying I should go do something about this but my body doing the opposite and staying glued to its spot. Oh, man. Where was Jimmy when you need him?

I watched for a few more minutes, my whole body itching to do something – anything – to stop the beating. But if I did do something, what would my friends think? What would they think of me? What will others think of me? What – Aaaah, hell.

I need to stop this.

Waiting for Jimmy or for some miracle to happen won’t help the kid from Davis’s pummeling fists, so I gathered my shit up and marched to where they’re rolling on the ground. I dodged the limbs that went flying my way and got a hold of Davis’s shirt, took a tight grip on it, and pulled him off of the kid, taking the chance to slide my arms under his pits and hold him up by the shoulders. Davis kept kicking and punching the air, and I’m sure I heard gasps and murmurs run through the crowd like wildfire. I glanced at Trent and I saw this funny, stupefied look on his face – I’m sure he’s also confused of what I was doing, ‘cause I sure as hell was, too.

Davis flailed around violently, trying to get a glimpse of who was holding him up and directing his punches at me this time. I was lucky to evade the first three punches, but not quite lucky with the last two. I hope I don’t get another permanent black eye from this.

“Davis, cut it out! It’s me, Tom!” I shouted, realizing that I could’ve calmed him down already if I had introduced myself in the first place.

“WHAT THE HELL – TOM?! LET GO OF ME!” he roared, eyeing the kid still lying on the pavement. “That kid needs a dose of ass-whooping!”

I wasn't about to give him another chance of having a go at the kid so I pulled him up higher, his shirt rumpling upwards as he tried to break free. “I SAID LET GO OF ME, TOM! GADAMMIT!”

“Like hell I will! Stop it, the kid’s already had enough!” And really, I wasn’t kidding. The kid was looking like a thousand buffalos just ran over him - leaving him coughing and writhing on the cracked cement like a soiled, pathetic taco.

“ALRIGHT, WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE?!” All the noise that went with the commotion immediately stopped, as a voice shouted out all the way from the back of the crowd. The circle of students watching the fight immediately looked behind and froze – seeing the boss pissed as hell was never a good thing.

“Who the fuck started this shit?” Jimmy demanded, storming his way through and shoving onlookers aside blocking his path.

Everyone was still and wide-eyed, exchanging fidgety glances while waiting on that brave someone to speak up and dared to tell him the details. He pushed his way through until he got to the middle -- stopping midway when he saw me, Davis and the bloodied, new kid on the ground. His eyes went to the kid first, then to us, then to the kid again, then back – and I was thankful that Davis finally stopped thrashing around, and was looking more like a little kid caught by his mommy doing something ‘not very nice’.

I saw Jimmy’s jaw set as his frown went deeper, and I knew right then that we seriously ticked him off. I know someone’s gonna have to be at the receiving end of it – but I just hope it won’t be me.

“All of you – SCRAM! GET OUTTA HERE!” he ordered, and everyone was suddenly up and about, leaving no trace that they were even there, and disappeared in a flash. It was funny watching them scramble around and bump into each other, hurrying and scurrying their scrawny, whiny asses to leave and get out of Jimmy’s sight.

“FASTER!”

Davis started to struggle out of my grasp and I let him -- but still kept an eye out just in case he tried to sneak another hit at the kid. He snorted and fixed his clothes, wiping the little blood that oozed from his lip after, which was probably the only injury he got from the brawl. Jimmy waited until the vicinity was cleared before turning to us and spoke.

“Okay, tell me. What the hell happened here?” He crossed his arms and scowled. “Anyone care to explain?”

Before either of us can answer, though – for the kid was barely conscious to even speak up, I think – we heard the sound of a pebble rolling on the ground, as if someone had kicked it, and a slightly audible curse came from just behind the wall.

“Where do you think you’re going, Trent?” Jimmy called out, not even turning around to see who it actually was.

Davis and I cocked our heads to look behind him, and there we saw Trent slowly emerge from the wall, where I think he was hiding to eavesdrop on us, and chuckled nervously.

“O-oh, hey there, Jim!” he greeted, smiling sheepishly as he slowly backed away. “Nice seeing ‘ya. Well, it’s getting pretty late. I guess I better get –”

“Get your ass over here.”

Trent sighed and looked defeated – if only I wasn’t this ass-deep on Jimmy’s bad side, I would’ve laughed at his face. He dragged his feet forwards and stopped just a few meters away from Jimmy, his eyes glued to the whimpering kid.

“So, as I was saying, care to tell me what happened and why’d you suddenly beat the shit out of this kid for no fucking apparent reason?” he asked again.

Man, was he scary.

Davis fidgeted and looked elsewhere, distracting himself to avoid having to answer that, as if Jimmy would just magically disappear if he ignored him. I could tell he was in a right amount of nervous – if it was me, I sure as hell would be. Though, we’re in good terms – well, tolerable terms – with him most of the time, he still didn't stand for any of the shit we did. So every time he comes running after us, we know our asses are in grave danger of a total beat-down.

“Well?” he growled, eyes focused on Davis who was biting his inner lip as he glared at the ground.

I nudged him by the elbow to get his attention and then gave him a sharp look.

“Man, tell him already,” I hissed, actually a little pissed that he wasn’t going nuts in defending himself like he used to. “What’re you waiting for – a fist down your throat?”

“The fuck am I going to tell him?” Davis hissed back. “That I fucking punched the kid for being stupid-looking? He’ll roast my ass over a fucking fire, dude!”

“You should’ve thought of that before you started swinging your fists, idiot,” I told him. His eyes narrowed after that and I knew he was cursing me with every fiber he had in his body. Davis is too stubborn at times that even I stress over it.

“Hey. I’m right here, dimwits,” Jimmy said, calling our attention. “Why don’t you just say it to my face rather than relaying your half-assed excuse to Tom there. What, ya want to call your lawyers up or somethin’?”

I looked back at Davis and pursed my lips, pointing them at Jimmy as I slightly nod my head forwards. There was a scowl etched on my face, which was probably now equal to what Jimmy always wore – well, I dunno, I don’t like keeping eye contact with Hopkins when he’s apeshit pissed.

“Dude, I’m not a lawyer. Talk.”

So that’s it. Comment and subscribe. Give it a thumbs up and rate 5 stars if you like me. Thanks. ;)

#canis canem edit #bully scholarship edition #bully canis canem edit #bully #tom gurney #bully cce #i kind of made this like a hole for everything tom gurney is #and it's set after jimmy becomes official royalty in bullworth #so i made him as op as he was featured in the last chapter before gary turned everything to shit #happy halloween

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jolie-auletta · 5 years

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Lose Yourself, To Find Yourself.

So, I had the honour of being part of an international women’s day seminar yesterday. Hosted by the beautiful Gaia Rose, at her annual awakened woman gathering.

Part of a 7 woman strong team, I made my first public speech.

Stood in front of 50 women I didn’t know, I spoke about something that had impacted my life. How I fully and completely lost myself, but found my true self by doing so.

So here goes;

When I first found out I was going to be speaking today, I was an anxiety ridden mess, I was almost automatically filled with all kinds of insecurities. What if my story isnt as exciting as everybody elses. What if people judge me. What if I dont even inspire any one?

And as normal as that thought process is for someone who has never spoken in public before, it isnt actually very logical.

While I was writing this speech I sent it over to my friend to read over and I told her I felt somewhat guilty for mentioning someone from my past.

I am literally about to say things to a room of strangers that I've never even said a loud before!

But that's when it hit me, I want to be part of teaching our daughters and the next generation of women to not be afraid of simply speaking the truth!

I was always an intelligent kid. I taught myself how to speak other languages, play musical instruments, top of the class.. so I should have been a grade A student, gone to uni and I could have been living 'the dream' right now.

I know that the dream is just perspective. The dream is what you make it. But what I’m trying to say, is I could have had a smooth and easy life, if things had been different.

I don't dwell on that though, devine alignment is something I speak of often. All that is meant to be, will be.

My secondary school days were awful. I started later than I should have, so perhaps that had something to do with it? I don't know. But I felt like I was just always having to try harder than normal, just to make friends. Constantly seeking approval from my peers, constantly trying to be ‘one of them’.

What I've realised it comes down to, is I've just never had good social skills. Which no body believes when I tell them because I come across so confident and eccentric!

But honestly I'm what I like to call a social chameleon. I can blend in with any group, but it's all down to analysis of behaviours and mimicking. In a sense it's just acting.

And that's what school was like for me, I shuffled between groups, making friends then falling out with them over things I just didn't understand at the time

It's like I just didn't know how to integrate with people , or be myself.

So along with feeling like I has no real friends.. I was actually bullied too. The entire time.

I remember having to leave school early just to avoid confrontation. The worst part is, I didn't tell a soul I until I was 25? So a whole 10 years went by without even telling my own mum that I was bullied!

That's something I really regret now. Because I believe it all stems from there and if I had reached out to someone, it could have all been different.

Anyway, the last year of school rolled round and I'm obviously so happy to leave!

But then this fear kicked in. What if I get bullied again!?

So I had an ingenius plan. (in hindsight this was not an ingenius plan at all)

I firstly completely went off radar. I chose a college in a new area, where no one would know me and heres the ingenius part. I made a new personality. Who is the most unbullyable person, I thought? All my previous bullies where quite 'rude girl' personas, so thats when i pieced everything together and decided who I’d be.

And it worked. No one picked on me and I was actually popular.

The mask was working, but that’s all it was, a mask.

I was still constantly seeking approval from people, always trying to be what I thought other people thought was cool, not what I actually thought was cool.

About 8 years ago, i was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and BPD. I was on medication but I took myself off of them when I fell pregnant. I did see a psychiatrist for a number of years, but I'm due to have another evaluation because I tick a lot of the boxes for autism!

This was literally a lightbulb moment! When I found out I could be on the spectrum- everything in my life made sense. And it turns out its really common for women with autism to go under the radar, or be diagnosed with depression, anxiety or bipolar/bpd like I was, and that's it, autism isn't even considered.

I am quite obviously high functioning, but every day scenarios like dealing with my emotions, sensory predicaments and simple socialising are a daily battle for me.

I have done A LOT of self healing and I have made a lot of progress, but I have come to the conclusion that whether I'm one, none, or all of the above , I just don't fit in a box and that's okay!!

I found my release in music, it was a coping mechanism, a world to get lost in.

But this leads me onto the second part of my story. During my music years, I met someone who would change my life.

A narccissist.

As i said before i do believe everything happens in devine order and its all lead me to where I am today. And I don't even hold a grudge towards this person. What's done is done.

And we were actually friends for a long while before getting together, we were best friends in fact, I can't even fault the friendship.

But the relationship was TOXIC!

The mental abuse was off the scale. And he also introduced me to cocaine. Now, in the beginning, it was all fun and games. Parties, recreational and I had no responsibilities in life so I thought why the hell not.

But it became more than that. He got me involved in not only taking it, but selling it too.

The entire relationship became based on that.

And ultimately it was detrimental to my soul.

I didnt even recognise myself. My family didn’t recognise me. It was like I had all these layers of personality I had invented to hide behind, but I couldn’t even remember who I was underneath it all!

I became more and more involved in this crazy lifestyle, so much so I ended up in prison because of it.

Honestly I look back and just think, how could I be so STUPID. It took me so long to admit that I was in a controlling and abusive relationship.

This guy had a hold on me. The kind of hold only a narccissist can have.

This wasnt some teenage crush where i 'loved' him so much and I'd do anything for him. I was a crushed soul, bowing down to a dictator.

I did what he wanted, when he wanted. I didn’t even exist. It was all about him.

My mental state was in pieces.

Im honestly so embarrased to tell people Ive been to jail. I mean even saying the word jail. It makes me cringe. I rarely tell people. There are family members that don’t even know!

But that prison freed me. From the jail that was my own body.

Its almost heartbreaking to think of myself all alone in a cell, no friends or family , but I had time to be on my own. With ME! The actual me, not the me I had been playing the part of for the last god knows how many years.

I honestly remember the day the penny dropped, it was when I put my nose ring back in. It sounds so crazy, but when I put it back in, all the pieces of me started to sort of fall into place too. I wore the clothes I wanted. I wore my hair how I wanted and I was starting to love being me again.

The mask was off! I existed again! And that was a beautiful feeling!

I can’t believe I’d kept up this charade for so many years! I should have been an actress, seriously 😂

So fast forward to today, I have a daughter, My Isabella Amethyst. I honestly love her more than I ever thought was even possible and she has played a major role in me becoming the person I am today, because she deserves me at my best and no less.

Another point to make is… As some one who was too foreign for the white folk; yet too white to be black… my whole life I had never fit in to a ‘group’.

I started researching my ancestral heritage and had a deep spiritual connection with the Italian and Spanish parts of my DNA. I even discovered I had Amerindian and oceanic DNA. Which was amazing and even more soul grabbing for me, it gave me a sense of belonging.

A lot of people say wow jode, you've changed so much!

But i am now, who I actually was before I was pressured in to believing I wasn't good enough as myself! Before I invented a new me, just to fit in with everyone else!

So along with becoming a parent, Ive managed to start my own holistic business too!

I do everything I love now, everything that makes my soul happy. I say yes to my intuition and say no to anything that doesn't serve me. We as women have to learn put ourselves first! We have to learn to trust ourselves, love ourselves and actually learn to be a bit selfish!

Life has given me some lemons, as they say. My world was incredibly sour at times and I have found my self in the darkest of corners, alone. But as clische as it is, after the darkness comes light.

I can wholeheartedly say that although I may not be 'living the dream' I could have been, if I had chosen all the 'right' paths in life, I am infact HAPPY. My soul is content and I am ME.

No matter what any of us have been through in life, we not only grow through it, we can flurish beyond it. These awful things happen to us, but they do not define us.

Sometimes we just have to lose ourselves, to find ourselves.

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baby-itsa-wild-world · 6 years

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Phil

I met a boy in 11th grade. Lets call him Phil. He rode my bus. He was 1 year younger than me, and a little bit shorter. He had shoulder length blonde hair and was kind of lanky. Not really my type but we got along as friends. We made eachother laugh a lot. I valued him as a friend.

My other friends started hanging around phil too. On Halloween, my friend told me that phil had a secret he was keeping from me. I had a feeling in the pit of my stomach that he liked me as more than a friend. I saw the way he looked at me. I was flattered but I didnt let phil know that I knew.

That evening on the bus, phil broke down and finally told me. I was excited. Part of me kinda felt like I liked him too, mainly because I was just flattered to have someone interested in me and because he had always been there for me as a friend. But like I said he wasnt really my type. He was younger than me. He got detention a lot. He was kinda immature. So I kinda just let it go.

In the following weeks I started seeing him in a different light. He had always been a good friend. I admired that he didnt give a fuck what anyone thought. I had always wanted to be like that. And he did have a certain charm about him. Maybe I did like him back after all.

We flirted back and forth for the next few months. We talked on the phone occasionally. We sat next to eachother on the bus. It was like we always were, except with flirting. I was always waiting on him to make a move.

Around valentines day Phil was on myspace talking about a girl named "lily". He was talking about how lily had stayed a few nights at his house and was watching horror movies with him. I thought to myself, what the fuck?? I thought he liked me. What was he doing with other girls? I got pissed. I messaged him on myspace, not angry or anything, but just casually asked what he was doing. He said that he and lily were going to the movies. I said cool, I had been wanting to go to the movies myself to see something (probably the new twilight movie if you want me to be honest). And then he messaged back: sorry, its just going to be me and lily. I was like FIRST OF all, I was not asking to come along with you guys. I was so fucking pissed. I couldnt believe he thought I wanted to intrude on their stupid little date. But inside i was boiling with jealousy. It was valentines day and I decided that love was a big lie and I was done with it forever.

I started acting distant towards him. He finally asked me what was wrong. I said nothing. I was being stubborn as hell. He kept trying to pry an answer out of me, and I finally told him, I LIKED you. Dumbass. And he looked at me with shock. He said he didnt know that I felt the same way. And he was sorry about hurting my feelings with lily. I fell right back into it again. I couldnt be mad at him for long.

We talked on the phone every night after that. Every waking moment that we weren't at school together we would talk on the phone all hours of the night. My parents got pretty pissed about it because I had never been the boy crazy type. I was all about school, grades, friends. They didnt like this side of me, but they couldnt tell me anything. I was already head over heels. We talked about hopes, dreams, wishes. He wanted to either go in the army after school or go far far away across the country. I admired his ambition.

It was march. We were talking on the phone one night and he asked me to be his girlfriend. I said yes. I was blushing so fucking hard it probably would have been super embarassing in person. But I prepared myself the next day. We held hands on the bus, in between classes. The calls at night just kept getting longer. He knew I was really inexperienced with guys. I had never even kissed a boy. He said he wanted to give me my first kiss.

The next day, as he was walking me to 1st period, he gave me a quick peck on the lips. It didnt really feel like anything. It didnt blow me away or anything like that. It was kind of underwhelming. But I reached a new point in my life. I just got my first kiss.

It seemed like phil always wanted more and more. He wanted me to come over to his house. My mom never let me, not because she didnt trust me but because she was always funny about me going to other peoples houses. His parents were divorced and to be honest his dad didnt really watch him that well. He kind of let him do whatever. My parents were a lot more old fashioned.

It wasnt long before phil started talking about sex. I really, really, really did not want to go into this with him. But I was afraid that if I didn't at least talk to him about it I would lose him, and I would be such a loser for that. I was 16. I knew plenty of kids my age who had sex. It wasnt a big deal to a lot of people. But it was to me. I always wanted it to be special. It was kind of a scary subject to me. I knew that you could get pregnant, get diseases, anything could happen. But talking about it wouldnt do any harm, right?

He knew my parents were strict, so he suggested maybe I skip school with him or go to the library and mess around. Even the idea of that made my blood run cold. But I would be like, "haha yeah maybe." I hate myself for being so fucking stupid. I should have just said no and that I wasnt ready.

I finally convinced my parents to let him come over. He could come in my room to watch a movie but we had to leave the door open. We watched the notebook. We made out for most of it. Even with the door open. I couldnt believe the fucking nerve of myself. But I would have done it if it meant keeping him. But I drew the line at anything sexual. I finally told him I wasnt ready and he seemed to accept it.

After he left, my parents sat me down and said that he was nice, but they wanted better for me. They said he was too immature. That he wasnt meant for me. I kind of tried to brush them off but looking back on it I knew in my heart that it was true. But I would have never admitted it to myself.

He came over a couple of weeks later to help my dad do some yard work. By now, we were saying i love you to eachother and talking about how we would get married one day. I know that sounds crazy because we were so young but I just wanted so badly just to have someone, even if I didnt agree with everything he said or did. I had never had a serious boyfriend before and I wasnt about to fuck it up.

Anyways, after the yard work my parents took me and him out to eat at a nice restaurant. He held my hand on the ride there and said to me, you see your mom and dad? I want us to be like them when we grow up. They are the perfect man and wife. And I just smiled. My mom and dad were my role models. I valued and cherished them so much. I knew they wanted whatever would make me happy even if they didnt agree. That meant so much to me. And I knew that phil had a broken home life. And I thought maybe I was helping him in a way by letting him around my family so maybe he could have sort of a family of his own to talk to and that would be there for him.

Phil came over one more time. We ate dinner and watched the dvd, bloody mary. We snuggled on the couch. My mom was in the room over. He kept trying to get me to come closer and fool around with him but I wouldnt do it. I could never do something like that under my parents roof while they were IN the HOUSE!! I told him maybe if we had some time to ourselves sometime. I kept pushing sex and fooling around off. I was not ready at all. Im glad I stood my ground on that. Even though I didnt stand for much else.

Phil started becoming distant a little. He went on hiking trips with his friends on the weekends. He was really outdoorsy and I was more of the bookish type. I still am. He wouldnt hold my hand as much in between classes. The phone calls were few and far between. I became a fucking wreck.

I had no idea what I did wrong. Was it because I wouldnt let him get in my pants? I felt like I was still a kid. I wasnt ready. And besides, he said we would get married. And I thought we would have the rest of our lives for all that kind of stuff...right?

I would try to talk to him about it but he would shut me down. I tried to reason with him. I could fix this. I wanted to. I didnt want to lose my first real boyfriend.

My friends really became my support. They told me that he was using me and I needed to let him go before he hurt me worse. It was Saturday. I decided that on Monday at school I would break up with him. I never got a chance.

Sunday I got a text. It was from Phil. It said that he didnt want to be together anymore. That he tried too long to make it work and it just wasnt going anywhere. Our hobbies were so different. We were in two different worlds. He thought I could be worth his time, but I just wasnt. Thats literally the words he said to me.

I called my friend and bawled. That was the lowest I had ever felt.

The next day at school it was like phil and I never happened. He sat on the other side of the bus. He spent lunch with his friends at a different table. All I did for a week was lay my head down and cry. At lunch. In class. At home.

I was an emotional wreck. He really broke my heart. I had always had problems with my self esteem and he truly confirmed to me that I wasnt shit. I wasnt worth anyones time. That everyone deserved better.

This led to somewhat of an epiphany. I decided I wasnt good enough for anyone. I would stop feeling altogether. I wouldnt let myself get hurt again. I couldnt open up my heart only to have it smashed. I tried so hard to make something work, and then I ended up getting burned in the end.

And he continued with his life. Got a girlfriend right after that. And bragged about their sex life on myspace. I was absolutely devastated. And it showed in my life. My mom became worried about me. I stopped caring about school. I just wanted to come home and cry.

My sadness wasnt necessarily about just losing phil. It was because I came to feel like I could never truly be loved. When youre 17 and someone tells you that you are not worth it, it really fucks with your head. I descended down a downward spiral.

I wrote depressing poetry. I stopped putting on makeup and cute clothes. My mom made an appointment with my doctor. She asked if I cried a lot. I said yes. She asked if I felt hopeless. I said yes. I went home with a brand new prescription to zoloft. Something I had probably always needed. But the event itself triggered that depression and manifested it into a monster.

But, its true what they say when they say that time heals. It doesnt erase the hurt or the memories but it heals. I moved on with my life too. I focused on school again. Hung out with friends. All of it led to a better life. I believe that I couldn't have reached that if it werent for phil.

Phil made me feel low. He tried to convince me to do things I didn't want to do. And then he made me feel like a lesser person because I didn't want to do it. And for a long time I tolerated it. But I'm not that girl anymore. If someone doesnt like me, that is their fault, not mine. I will no longer try to mold myself into what others want me to be. Phil made me stronger, even though he broke my heart into a million little pieces. But I put them back together and i healed. And I thank phil for helping me build that broken path that led me to a brighter future.

#writing #storytime #relationships #drama #love #breakups

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