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#its 'forgiveness' with the assumption that some day the person whos hurting you or in this case simply not christian will actually
snekdood · 1 year
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I feel like the idea of "forgiveness" for people who've hurt you is like... Pretty christian based? Bc ngl. Why tf am i forgiving someone who abused me a lot. If we're talking "mental peace"... Well bud i kinda just gotta not think about it or when i do to work on my emotions around it so i can cope better with my trauma. Literally why am i forgiving people who dont regret hurting me and who would never apologize and how exactly does that bring more "peace"? Bc personally id feel like im ignoring something that bothers me a lot just so i can tolerate being around it when idk. Theres people who i definitely dont need to tolerate being around lol.
#forgiveness#quote unquote#some of these people would actively continue trying to hurt me if i was still around them and literally wtf is the use#of forgiveness then???#being unfazed by their presence seems to be the better alternative as well as ignoring them..?#or idk. literally fucking leaving the room if they arrive.#'forgiveness' is what christians do towards non christians who fail to fail to be christians. its patronizing. its assumptive.#as if those people are somehow spiritually crying out that theyre sorry. thats how christians are w forgiveness.#how tf is what id be doing if i 'forgive' my abusers any different#its 'forgiveness' with the assumption that some day the person whos hurting you or in this case simply not christian will actually#decide you were right and 'apologize' for going against them#idk about you but i dont want to live in a false reality daydream that my abuser will someday be normal and nice and empathetic#how is that a useful belief at all in the long run. im just convincing myself somethings gonna happen that wont.#i think more ppl should go about the world assuming their abuser doesnt give a fuck and never will bc quite honestly that seems more likely#ive never felt peaceful when i attmept to forgive people knowing inside im still upset with them#however i feel much more peaceful when i embrace the fact they dont care and thus i dont have to care about them either 🤷#like accepting the current facts brings me more relief than speculating on the future.#idk but i kinda refuse to forgive people who dont regret their actions towards me and who dont give af about me#if getting caught up in resentment is the issue... then you need some therapy of sorts to work on the resentment so you can get to a point#where you dont give a fuck if they do apologize. not assume someday like a pretentious asshole that theyll apologize#literally im nowhere near that important to my abusers for them to do that
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somekndofnature · 5 months
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Summary:
Inuyasha reveals something important to Sango and Miroku that shocks both. Kagome and Sango get some things off their chest.
Notes:
Hello all! Time for another couple of chapters. These next two sort of go together so I wanted to release them together. This is where the story starts getting thicc. So, I hope you enjoy.
For this chapter, there were a few songs that really inspired this chapter. First, is 'Walls (You Changed)' by Sick Puppies. I feel like this song is really important from Sango and Kagome's perspective, towards Inuyasha. And for those who were wondering about the music Inu is working on, this is one of the songs he ends up 'writing' in the story as he grows a little more. Second is 'Goodbye Apathy' by One Republic which is obviously chosen for Inuyasha in this moment. And the last is 'Torn' by Natalie Imbrugila which is also probably obviously chosen for Kagome.
Anyway... that's my music rant for now. Let me know if you like it.
AO3
Chapter 4: That Left Me On the Floor
Inuyasha was stunned into silence and could only watch Kagome’s shoulders tremble as she retreated towards the restroom, wheezing from the hole she’d punched straight through his chest. Each tear that had fallen onto her cheeks lashed his heart like a whip, drawing an answering warmth from his eyes. He had struggled to stay in place, compelled to drop to his knees and grovel on all fours, begging forgiveness. He knew that he had hurt her but…
You broke me.
Inuyasha bit back the whine that crawled its way up his throat and let his head fall into his hand, rubbing the gathered moisture from his eyes. Fuck , he hated seeing her cry. That was why he had always walked away; he’d never been able to take the shame that could—rightly—be placed at his feet for hurting her.
“Smooth,” Sango said from beside him.
Inuyasha scowled in her direction but didn’t respond; he had nothing to say in his defense.
Miroku sighed and pushed a hand through his dark hair. “Well, I guess that’s out of the question. It sucks, but I think we’ll have to find someone else.”
“No!” he growled, making their eyes widen. “It has to be her, no one else.”
Sango shook her head. “Inuyasha, I know you feel guilty for everything that happened but—”
“This isn’t about that!”
She raised a dubious brow.
He winced. “It isn’t just about that. It’s—fuck, you wouldn’t understand.”
“Try me,” she insisted.
Inuyasha shook his head.
“If you want any more of my help with Kagome, you’ll have to tell me why this is so important. Why does it have to be her? Why are you suddenly so eager to have her in your life?”
His ears lowered against his head; he couldn’t tell them. When Sango and Miroku understood what Kagome meant to him, the resulting guilt might bury him alive.
“Inuyasha?” Sango prompted again.
He hung his head, allowing a curtain of silver hair to hide his face as he whispered, “She’s my mate.”
He heard them suck in a sharp breath. Both had no doubt heard the same stories in school growing up. Great demons searching for their fated mate, the first glimpse of romance that their little minds were afforded. Inuyasha had been bored out of his skull just listening to them.
In the past, when the world was smaller, there was a reasonable assumption that this goal was attainable, that this mysterious person who made up your other half could be found, but on a planet of over seven billion beings, those odds slimmed considerably. A mate was someone to be treasured, and he had treated Kagome like she was… worthless .
Argh! The sound of that word gasping from between her trembling lips wouldn’t leave his ears. It twisted his heart, pumping an icy poison of regret through his veins.
“Wh-what? When?” Sango went silent for several seconds before gritting out through her teeth, “How long have you known?”
“From the beginning,” he replied, voice low. “From the first day I met her.”
“I knew it. I knew you were hiding something from me.” He heard Sango move but didn’t even brace as her fist connected with his cheek. “You ass!”
Inuyasha’s head whipped to the side, and he embraced the sting. He deserved her wrath on behalf of their friend, on behalf of fate, on behalf of everything he had scoffed in the face of, like a complete idiot. If it made him worthy of Kagome, he’d let Sango beat the hell out of him with a godsdamn smile.
“Nine years?!” Sango screeched. “Nine years and you… you were fuckin around, stickin your dick in anything that moved—”
“I didn’t actually do that.”
“What?!”
He shrugged. “I know it looked like I was always with a woman, but I just wanted it to seem that way. I didn’t actually sleep with any of them; I couldn’t. After being with Kagome, touching another woman felt,” he shuddered in disgust, “wrong.”
“Why?” Miroku asked. “Inuyasha that just sounds—”
“Cruel,” Sango interjected. “Why the hell would you do that to her?”
He shifted uncomfortably in his seat. “I was trying to push her away, to make her hate me.”
“Well, congratulations,” Miroku said with a hint of reproach in his tone. “I think you succeeded.”
Inuyasha’s head fell back, rubbing his hands between his spread legs while they jittered with tension. He was getting judgment from the pervert now?
“No doubt,” Sango agreed with a derisive snort. “You only made it worse by constantly falling into her bed, too.”
“I couldn’t help it!” He pushed a hand through his silver hair, scraping his claws against his scalp.  
Her lip curled with disgust. “That’s pathetic.”
“You got me, Sango,” he snapped. “I’m a completely pathetic, sad sack, piece of shit. Happy now?”
“Don’t say any of that like it’s going to save you,” she said, placing an indignant hand on her hip. “You think just because you finally pulled your head out of your ass means you deserve a second chance?”
His shoulders slumped. “No.”
“You’re damn right! What you deserve is to watch her move on with her life…”
Inuyasha squeezed his eyes shut as a hopeless anguish ripped through him, but Sango continued without mercy.
“You deserve to watch her find a man who treats her with compassion and devotion, like she’s precious.”
Mine! His demon howled from the back of his mind until his temples throbbed.
Still, she didn’t relent. “You deserve to watch her build a happy life and at its end to be surrounded by a family who loves and treasures her.”
Inuyasha folded in on himself, a keening whine breaking past his lips when he could no longer contain his misery. Did he deserve to watch Kagome leave him behind forever? Probably… Was it something he feared with every fiber of his being? Absolutely…
Miroku cleared his throat, saving him from any further torment. “Sango, sweetheart.”
“What?” she snapped.
“I’m not entirely sure if this shame-fest is having the desired effect.”
She went quiet for a long moment, but Inuyasha didn’t raise his gaze from the floor, which he was hoping would open and swallow him whole. “What was the point of doing all that?”
“I told you,” he said again. “To push her away.”
“Yes,” she hissed. “But why the hell would you want to do that? Any other demon in your position would be over the moon and that should go double for half-demons. Most people don’t even think you have mates. So, why?”
Inuyasha took a deep breath before answering. Eventually he’d have to face the same question from Kagome, he better get damn good at answering it now. “I was a dumbass! I was young and stupid and arrogant and…scared,” he admitted.
“Scared? Of what?” Miroku asked.
“I wasn’t ready for something like that,” he said, looking down at his clasped hands. “I’m not good with women in general. How was I supposed to win this person who was meant to be it for me? And let’s be honest, she’s way outta my league; it didn’t seem like we would ever actually fit together. It felt like I was being set up for failure.” He scratched at the back of his head. “I resented it, being forced into this relationship that I didn’t even want or think myself capable of growing. It wasn’t supposed to be like that, anyway. We were just starting out; it was supposed to be all parties and music and groupies.”
“Sex, drugs and rock-n-roll,” Miroku said in a wistful tone.
Inuyasha lifted his hand, gesturing at him over the table. “Exactly!”
“Don’t lump me in with you,” he grumbled. “You took that entire thing to an extreme.”
“Exactly!” Sango mocked with a similar wave of her hand.
Inuyasha scowled. “You don’t get it. These instincts are overwhelming. It felt like I wasn’t in control of myself.”
“And copious amounts of alcohol and amphetamines made that better?” Sango asked in a disbelieving tone.
“Not exactly,” he replied, rubbing at the back of his neck. “When I was around her, it made it damn near impossible to control my impulses, but away from her… I was able to forget about it, I didn’t feel this constant need gnawing at me.”
“Yeah, but that wasn’t just your instincts or fate,” she explained. “It was you being infatuated. The mating bond doesn’t force you to want someone, it reveals who you’re most likely to be compatible with.”
“I get that now,” Inuyasha replied, his mounting frustration clear in his tone. “But back then it was just easier to blame it all on my demon side and push it away.”
She clicked her tongue. “You almost died, Inu. Was it really worth it?”
“How many times you want me to admit that I’m a dumbass?”
His ears twitched as Sango cursed. “You’ve made such a mess of this.”
“I know.”
“No, you don’t,” she replied. “Humans feel it too, you know? That connection, those bonds of fate. We may not be able to name it and maybe we don’t feel it with the same intensity, but it’s there. Imagine the pain, the betrayal she felt.”
“Please … stop,” he whispered, hiding his face in his hands. “I just want to fix it.”
“Sango,” Miroku interjected again.
She sighed. “Inuyasha, I don’t know if you can fix this. You threw a gift back in fate’s face; you’ll need a miracle.”
He finally worked up the courage to meet her eyes. “Then help me… please ,” he begged through clenched teeth. “I can’t do this by myself.”
She pursed her lips. “Fine, I’ll go talk to her, but you have to promise me that if I get her to come back out here, you’ll be on your best behavior.”
He nodded.
“And you swear that you’re taking this seriously?” she asked. “No more waffling back and forth, no more jumping into bed with her only to push her away?”
“Fuck no!” he snapped before deflating. “Look, I know what life is like without her and I don’t want to do it anymore. If Kagome’s really done with me, then I’ll accept that,” he admitted, “but if there’s even the smallest chance that I can win her back… I gotta take it, Sango.”
She took a deep breath and exhaled, her face softening just a fraction. “Fine, I’ll go talk to her, but I don’t think she’s any happier with me than she is with you.”
Miroku chose this moment to pipe up, “I could go if—”
“No,” Inuyasha and Sango cut him off at the same time.
“The last thing we need is your brand of charm,” she added before walking away, following Kagome’s path to the restrooms.
-------------------------------------------- 
Kagome avoided the curious gaze of the woman standing at the mirror as she stormed into the bathroom, feeling the warm burn of tears in her eyes. She slammed open the door of the nearest cubicle and immediately rested her back against it, sucking in a shuddering breath. What the hell?
It was difficult to even parse out how she was feeling. All of her emotions clambered on top of each other, fighting for dominance: betrayal, rejection, grief, compassion, and even still longing.
This was supposed to be a no pressure reconnection with a good friend. She had been excited to see Sango again, to heal her relationship with a woman who was once her sister in many ways. She had been prepared for it to be a little awkward and uncomfortable, but this had felt like an attack.
She had tried not to resent Sango when her partnership with The Strays had fallen out and her friend had gone silent for almost a year. Inuyasha was Sango’s oldest and best friend, they were more like family. It made sense that she stayed to help him recover, to help him find his way back to reality. It still felt like she was choosing Inuyasha over her, though. While Kagome logically understood, it didn’t negate the disappointment at being so easily forgotten.
When Sango had finally reached out, she had started by apologizing over and over again. It had been difficult to deny her. They had stayed in touch during the next five years by text and the frequent phone call, but this was the first time since severing her ties with the band that she was supposed to see Sango face to face. Just a quick little stop over on her way home from vacation.
Kagome had been eager; it had been ages since she had seen Sango’s smile and laugh or felt the strong reassurance of her embrace. She had missed it and, on her way here, she had allowed herself to feel the deep loss, that hole in her life that the absence of her friend had left. And yet, she couldn’t help but feel grateful that Inuyasha had her support during such a difficult time, even if Kagome felt guilty that she couldn’t provide it. He looked… good, and, if not content, more himself.
Seeing him after all this time was such a shock. Inuyasha had filled out, his tanned skin was packed with more muscle than she had seen in a while, still tall and lean but healthy. He was magnetic; she hadn’t been prepared to steel herself against his appeal. He had the same irreverent, bad-boy look that had drawn her in the beginning, with the piercings, tattoos, and black jeans that barely clung to his slim hips, torn by his fidgeting claws rather than designer labels.  
It had been Inuyasha’s golden eyes that tugged at her heartstrings, though. They had been full of the same pain and remorse that was reflected at her each morning in the mirror, as if he had suffered every day of their separation with her. Those invisible ties that had grown slack between them had bound her once more and with it came that same fierce desire to hold him, soothe him, and to allow him to comfort her in turn, a yearning that she didn’t truly understand.
She heard the doorway to the bathroom swing open and closed. “Kagome?”   
Sango’s voice made her flinch, and she bit her lip as another frustrated tear fell down her cheek. 
“Kagome, I know you’re in here,” she said in a patient tone. 
She grit her teeth and flicked the lock, flinging the door wide open. “Of course, I’m in here,” she hissed. “I have nowhere else to escape. You made sure of that, didn’t you?”
Sango rolled her dark brown eyes. “That’s a little dramatic, isn’t it? You can leave at any time.”
“Not without making a scene,” Kagome grumbled as she stomped towards the sinks and grabbed a paper towel from the dispenser. “I’ve already made a hysterical fool of myself once today,” she said while leaning forward to dab at her smeared mascara. “Not exactly eager for a repeat.”
Sango sighed and took a step towards her. “Look, I know it was a shock to see Inuyasha—”
“Don’t.” Kagome whipped around to glare at her. “Don’t you dare come in here and argue on his behalf.”
“I’m not,” her friend replied in a shaky voice. “I’m arguing on mine.”
Kagome swallowed hard as Sango took another step closer.
“I know that I’ve said this before,” she began while staring at her hands. “But I’m sorry, that I abandoned you.”
“Sango, we’ve talked about this,” she said in a dismissive tone. “What you should be apologizing for is bringing him here with no warning.”
“I know but this is the first time I’ve seen you in person since Inuyasha…” She hesitated. “overdosed.”
Kagome pursed her lips as another tear fell from her eye.
“I didn’t want to choose sides,” Sango continued. “But then you left, and I-I couldn’t leave.”
“And I couldn’t stay,” she whispered around the lump caught in her throat. “You weren’t there. You didn’t see him or have to use your hands to keep his heart pumping. For a moment, the whole world became gray and dull, like life itself wasn’t even worth living. I never want to feel like that again, especially for someone who doesn’t love me.”
Sango stepped forward and wrapped her arms around Kagome’s trembling shoulders. “I don’t blame you for leaving.”
“I don’t blame you for staying,” she replied through sniffles. “I’m glad Inuyasha had you around.” 
“He’s doing a lot better, if you’re wondering.”
Kagome pulled back with a watery chuckle. “I thought you weren’t here to argue for him.”
“I’m not,” Sango replied with a shrug. “It’s just that, even though I’ve watched his health improve, he’s become quieter, more withdrawn than I’ve ever seen him. I just thought this would give him something to live for again. And I know if anyone can make it happen, you can.”
“I don’t know, Sango.”
“Just give him a shot,” she replied. “You don’t need to commit to anything now.”
“So what?” Kagome said with a sly grin. “Just take the music and run?”
“Why not? We already had plans today, didn’t we?”
“You don’t think that’s a little rude?”
“Serves him right for how he treated you.” Sango ducked around her and took a quick glance in the mirror, dabbing at the skin under her eyes.
Kagome did the same before she felt a nudge against her shoulder.  She met Sango’s reflected gaze.
“Remember that time in New York when we stole Inuyasha’s wallet and went to have brunch at the Ritz?”
She giggled. “How could I forget? Inuyasha was so mad, he made us pay for his meals for the rest of the trip.”
Sango rolled her eyes. “Sometimes, I wonder if he isn’t half-cat instead of dog. That asshole can sure hold onto a grudge.”
“Don’t ever let him hear you say that,” Kagome replied. 
They shared a dubious look and melted into a fit of giggles until Sango’s gaze grew tender. She swiped a few strands of hair behind Kagome’s ear.
“See? There were some good times, too.”
“I know. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss it.”
Sango smiled and pulled her into another hug. “I’m really glad you came.
“Me too, the ambush notwithstanding.” Kagome paused and pulled back, loosely gripping her friends’ elbows. “Why didn’t you tell me he was coming?”
“I wanted to see you and I didn’t want you to cancel just because of him.”
She shook her head. “I wouldn’t have canceled. To be honest, I’ve been wanting to see all of you. I just didn’t expect him to be so—”
“Dickish?”
Kagome laughed. “No, it’s just… the way he was looking at me.”
“Like he’s head over heels?”
“Don’t say that,” she scoffed. “It’s not true.”
Sango’s gaze grew serious. “You have to know that he cares about you.”
“Not really, he never made a point of showing it,” she replied.
Her friend grabbed her by the shoulders. “I know he’s screwed up in the past, but Inuyasha’s changed, Kagome. More like the guy you fell in love with and less like the playboy rockstar.”
She looked down to study her nails and remained quiet.
“You do still love him, don’t you?” Sango asked.
Kagome hesitated to answer. She should hate him, everything she knew about being a strong independent woman told her so. Inuyasha had toyed with her affections, pulling her close only to push her away. He had used her, satisfied his lust within her body only to treat her with disdain. It was hurtful, but Sango wasn’t wrong. There were good times.
The moments when they were intimate seemed to exist in a universe of their own, outside of the way he treated her in the real world. Lost in each other, Inuyasha showed a new side of himself. He was attentive, generous, and focused solely on her pleasure before his. In those sweet hours, she had felt like all that mattered. It was only afterwards that he made her feel like a mistake and that contradiction had slowly chipped away at her self-esteem.
Things were different now, though. She wasn’t the same immature girl anymore. She owned her own business, managing several different well-known clients. She owned her own home, and had just paid off her modest sedan. She had even adopted a cat. By most people’s standards she was successful, but the wounds that she had incurred back then had left lasting scars. 
Kagome didn’t open herself up to people anymore. She was friendly and polite, with many close acquaintances, but none that she considered actual friends other than Rin. She wasn’t sure she could count that one since technically she was family. Her love life was non-existent; she’d practically become a nun. No one had touched her intimately since… him .
Not that she hadn’t tried, but being in romantic situations with other men made her stomach turn. No one had touched her, held her, set her blood on fire the way that he did. It had been years since the first time they had connected in such a way, but she could still remember every detail. It was a well-trodden and comforting memory. From the first moment she was hooked; he became her drug, one that she had been in withdrawal from for the last six years.
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Για το ask game Edgeworth και Ανδρέας
Miles Edgeworth 💅
First impression: OH I SHOULD GET INTO ACE ATTORNEY IMMEDIATELY THIS MAN IS GOING TO RUIN ME.
Impression now: I was one hundred percent correct in my assumptions. He did in fact ruin me. This man has the range honestly. He is kind. He is an asshole. He is traumatised. He has every subtype of daddy issues known to man. He is a bitchy gay queen. He is aroace-spec (to me). He is autistic. He has NO idea what to do with himself when he is not in a courtroom. He is insane. Ive seen it. I enjoy it. Amen.
Favourite moment: "thanks to you i am saddled with unnecessary.... feelings....". Everything about turnabout goodbyes. The talk with Franziska at the end of aa2. The talk with phoenix after the earthquake in aa3. I could literally never pick Just One moment sorry.
Idea for a story: ... I've brainstormed two (2) aus that involve Edgeworth with two different mutuals. The first one is the Eurovision au where vk just sends miles to represent germany in Eurovision and the second one is the ace attorney/παρά πέντε crossover me and @alalumin have been driving ourselves insane over. Out of the two, the first one is the most fleshed out but the second one i might actually sit down and write for one day. Thats about all the concrete story ideas ive had for this man so far dkskks. Everything else is just a jumble of vague angsty daydreams.
Unpopular opinion: hmmm a lot of people tend to ignore the fact that he was canonically suicidal after aa1 so i suppose that could count as an unpopular opinion? Like if he wasn't actually suicidal, the note meant that he straight up faked his death which makes him an even bigger asshole that he usually is, which in turn makes phoenix's misdirected anger and blame seem a lot more justified? Also a lot of people tend to ignore the fact that phoenix would NOT handle Edgeworth admitting that he meant the note literally well. And honestly im not really blaming anyone here. Their aa2 dynamic is sooo complex, Edgeworth hurt the people that cared about him by hurting himself and not all of them are ready to forgive him immediately and thats fine. I just wish more people would explore this whole thing instead of oversimplifying it yknow?
Favourite relationship: narumitsu obvs but honestly? The Franziska and Miles fucked up sibling relationship means the world to me, its like a really really really close second.
Favourite headcanon: does it actually count as a headcanon if its strongly supported by canon? Idk but he definitely avoids elevators as much as he can and considering that his office is in the twelfth fucking floor the man walks up a lot of flights of stairs. He must have thighs of steel skkskaka. Also i like to think that at some point after the investigation games he went to therapy and he finally (!) got some help for that unmedicated and undiagnosed canon ptsd hes been drowning in since he was nine years old. Also he got Pess because i love her. Maybe she is trained as a service dog. He would love her with all his heart and her death would kickstart a major depressive episode because god knows this man can't handle grief but in the end he could get over it. Maybe even get a second dog or learn how to deal with loss in a less self destructive way. Also i don't think he would ever be able to fully enjoy Christmas? Like sure his fathers death doesn't hurt as much anymore but i like to think that the nightmares rear their ugly head during the Christmas season. Sure, he IS doing better but some things never really go away. He can hang out at the prosecutors office or Wright anything agency Christmas parties without feeling utterly miserable but he doesn't enjoy the holidays as much as everyone else. Some people don't understand why or think thats its just another aspect of his charming personality but the people who do are sympathetic about it.
Ανδρέας Καλογήρου 🔪
First impression: γουαου ποιός είναι αυτός ο μαλάκας λολ. Ειλικρινά νομίζω την πρώτη φορά που είδα το παρά πέντε δεν με ένοιαζε πολύ σαν χαρακτήρας.
Impression now: κοίτα. Έχεις δει το μπλογκ μου. Ξέρεις πως νιώθω για αυτόν τον άνθρωπο. Ο Ανδρέας έχει θεματάρες. Έχει παγιδεύσει τον εαυτό του σε μια θέση στην οποία είναι και θύμα και θύτης και από την οποία δεν έχει τρόπο ή ιδιαίτερη θέληση να βγει. Κατά την διάρκεια του σόου πηγαίνει από την αδιαφορία για τους ανθρώπους που σκοτώνει, στην εμμονή με το να πιάσει τους πέντε και μόνο όταν τον συλλαμβάνουν και όλα τελειώνουν συνηδειτοποιεί πόσο μάταια ήταν όλα αυτά και πόσες ζωές έχει καταστρέψει συμπεριλαμβανομένης και της δικής του. Επίσης ο άνθρωπος είναι μούναρος 😔😔.
Favourite moment: το τηλεφώνημα στον Σπύρο στο φινάλε με στοιχειώνει τα βράδια.
Idea for a story: πέρα από το ο Σπύρος επισκέπτεται τον Ανδρέα στη φυλακή fic που βρίσκεται αυτή τη στιγμή στο wip hell μου έχει καρφωθεί στο μυαλό εκείνη η ατάκα που ο Παυρινός αποκαλεί τον Νίκο πρεζόνι και το τι μπορεί να υπονοεί για το Ανδρέας/Νίκος μπακστορι. Επίσης εκείνο το όνειρο που είχα δει ότι έχει κόρη και redemption arc, angst fic για την γενική κακομεταχείριση που τρώει από τον Παυρινό, το Ανδρέας/Νίκος καφενείο au το οποίο κάποιος πρέπει να γράψει σας εκλιπαρώ και το προαναφερόμενο ace attorney/παρά πέντε crossover στο οποίο εμφανίζεται ως μάρτυρας στην δίκη της Αγγέλας. Το πόσα από αυτά θα καταλήξω όντως να γράψω ποτέ είναι πολύ αμφιλεγόμενο τβχ αλλά το γεγονός είναι ότι μου τριβελίζουν συνέχεια το μυαλό.
Unpopular opinion: δεν ξέρω είμαστε στο παρά πέντε φάντομ, είμαστε δέκα άτομα όλα κι όλα κάθε άποψη μετράει για unpopular κσκσκσ. Αλλά απλά και μόνο για να πω κάτι. Νομίζω όντως προσπάθησε να αγαπήσει τη Ζάνα. Ο γάμος τους ήταν ότι πιο hand in unlovable hand και σφάζονταν όλη μέρα αλλά προσπάθησε να φτιάξει τη ζωή του στην αρχή τουλάχιστον, εξού και ο ευτυχισμένος χετεροσεξουαλ γάμος. Στο μυαλό μου ήταν από αυτά τα ζευγάρια που έχουν ημερομηνία λήξης και το ήξεραν και οι δύο. Μετά έπεσε στα βαθιά με τις δουλειές με τον Παυρινό και πήρανε επιτέλους διαζύγιο. Επίσης δεν νομίζω ότι με τον Νίκο τα έχουνε, έχουνε. Νομίζω έχουν μια ελαφρώς fucked up relationship όπου δεν επικοινωνούν τίποτα εβερ, απλά πηδιουνται περιστασιακά on and off και μετά απλά πηγαίνουν και τα φτιάχνουν με άλλους. Τουλάχιστον στην αρχή. Τώρα αν μετά το τέλος της σειράς βγουν ποτέ από την φυλακή θέλω να πιστεύω ότι θα μπορούσαν να φτιάξουν λίγο τη ζωή τους αλλά αν δεν βγουν ποτέ. Well. Πώς νιώθεις όταν συνηδειτοποιείς ότι αγαπούσες τον καλύτερο σου φίλο χρόνια τώρα αλλά δεν έκανες ποτέ τίποτα για αυτό επειδή απλά δεν τολμούσες να αλλάξεις τίποτα στην μοναδική σταθερή σχέση που σου είχε απομείνει στη ζωή σου και ταυτόχρονα ήσουν πολύ απασχολημένος να σκοτώνεις κόσμο; Πώς νιώθεις όταν συνηδειτοποιείς ότι τώρα μπορεί να είναι πια πολύ αργά; Γενικά head full many thoughts.
Favourite relationship: Νίκος/Ανδρέας δαγκωτό.
Favourite headcanon: ναιιι δεν νομίζω ότι αυτός ο άνθρωπος είχε καλά παιδικά χρόνια. Ή καλό πατέρα. Ο Παυρινός κυριολεκτικά του πετάει πράγματα και αυτός ο καημένος σκύβει να τα πιάσει 😔 babyboy έχεις τραύμα. Η μάνα του είναι νεκρή (ναι κυριολεκτικά αναφέρεται έτσι throwaway σε ένα επεισόδιο και δεν το έχω ξεχάσει ποτέ) και επιλέγω να πιστεύω ότι την σκότωσε ο πατέρας του. Μισεί τον πατέρα του και κατά βάθος μισεί και το γεγονός ότι μεγαλώνοντας έχει γίνει σχεδόν ακριβώς σαν αυτόν. Ξεκίνησε να καπνίζει στο γυμνάσιο. Επίσης δεν πιστεύω ότι τελείωσε ποτέ το λύκειο.
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truetgirl · 2 years
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And just like that, here we are at the end of the month. Well, the second to last day of the month, but these are every other day so this is it for this year. I’ve been enjoying this a lot, it’s felt good to flex my old analytical muscles again. I don’t claim everything’s terribly well polished, but hey, I’m just doing this for fun and I think the core points all stand. But, without further ado, it is time to wrap us up. Here to do it is:
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Catradora!
NGL I did not like catradora as a ship for a looooooong time. I’m the kinda person who gets vengeful about when people I love hurt me, and Catra most certainly hurt Adora and a lot of other people, though in a different way, very badly. I could see the appeal for other people, and I was increasingly coming to appreciate Catra as a character (I already loved Adora and she just got new layers of that love), but as a ship they still made me feel... wrong, I think is the word.
The first thing that changed that was when we finally hit a point in Catra’s arc that actually put me completely on her side. Seeing how she was treated as a kid, and on the flipside how Adora was treated, really threw how they acted and interacted into some sharp perspective. Catra had always seemed, to me, like she was the person who decided to be evil because they wanted to be, or just didn’t care, or only cared about, at best, their very closest friends. The things she did seemed like completely her own choices, and from that lens she would have been nearly irredeemable (nearly, bc I kinda doubt any character is ever COMPLETELY beyond redemption of some kind).
That perception flipped neatly on its head when we were shown Catra and Adora’s upbringing. Adora’s actions still looked mostly the same, if slightly more tragic, but Catra’s? Everything Catra did, and everything we see her do after learning about her childhood, is thrown into such sharp relief when you realize the trauma that led her to see the world the way she did. Trauma, make no mistake, is not an excuse for doing terrible things. But I’ll admit I was willing to entertain the thought of forgiving her for a LOT more than I ever thought I would after finding out she got treated as the emotional punching bag for an abusive mother. Finding out the depth of the betrayal she must have felt when Adora, one of the only good things she believed she ever had or ever would have in life, the person to whom she was so utterly devoted, had from her perspective dropped her for almost nothing, after all their years together. I understood the feeling of being trapped and having no ability to imagine escape, even when the opportunity presents itself. Adora could leave because she’d never known how bad things were. Catra couldn’t because she had always known, known for literally longer than she could remember, that there was never any choice. It fucking messes with your head, that sorta thing. You don’t think about what might be beyond the bad situation, you just think about how to survive within it.
Then we have Adora. Like I mentioned, Adora had never known how bad things were. She’d never realized how much power the Horde had over her. When she learned of it, and learned of it after she had already been pulled out of their direct influence, the decision for her to leave was easy. She clearly didn’t understand Catra’s decision to stay at first, and fair enough. In her shoes I think I would have a hard time understanding it too. I think, over time, she almost certainly came to blame herself for not convincing Catra to leave with her. This assumption being based on how Adora blamed herself for damn near everything that ever went wrong near her. She felt she should have known how much pain the person she was closest to in the world was in. Felt she could and should have done something, no matter how impossible that would actually have been.
Whatever the ultimate reason, though, and even after Adora very clearly accepted that, at least with Catra, not everything was her fault, Adora never gave up the hope of getting her person back, not entirely. She never gave up on Catra, however she had to act outwardly. She tried to reason with Catra in the crimson waste, clearly didn’t seem to think it was the waste of breath it looked like to us in the audience. After Catra had done just about every horrible thing imaginable, Adora still risked everything to save her because she’d shown just one glimmer (hehehehe) of hope that she could change. Right at the end her greatest dream, after everything they had been through and how uncertain even their basic survival was at the time, was to be with Catra. To be safe, comfortable, and at peace together among their friends.
In real life I think this would maybe, almost definitely, be unhealthy. But in fiction the rules aren’t quite the same. In a story, undying hope and love like this is practically awe-inspiring. In a world full of worthy yet seemingly, soul-crushingly hopeless causes, a story in which unyielding love and persistence in the face of great adversity wins out is beyond inspiring. And that love being for a deeply hurt girl who nonetheless is capable of better than the things she has done out of pain and fear? Give. It. To. Me.
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bratkook · 3 years
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right now. (m) jjk.
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not yet, almost , right now
pairing. jungkook x reader genre. fluff, smut, idiots to lovers!! word count. 14.8k warnings. two mega fucking idiots<33, miscommunication/dumb assumptions, smut in forms of: fingering, oral sex (f.), orgasm denial, spanking, some spit bc duh, unprotected sex, super sweet & lovey!! also jungkook is a sweetheart pls love him summary. coming to terms with your feelings after getting off to the idea of your close friend is a little harder than you thought, but how long can you take before jungkook decides its time to move on? note. did jlin forget how to write for a few weeks? yes, yes she did....i know this took a long time but life is rough man so forgive me... but anyways lol the final part to the not yet!verse is hereeeee! thank you to @kithtaehyung​ for reading this over for me ily!! thank you guys for enjoying this mini series, the response was really unexpected but im sososo happy over every comment/ask i’ve gotten for this story. once again, tysm for your love and let me know what you think<3
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The evening sun illuminates Jungkook’s apartment, golden hour bouncing off every reflective surface and straight into his eyes the second he walks in, immediately squinting as he makes a beeline to shut the blinds. His head was already throbbing from the hangover that decided to peak around noon, a mean case of nausea putting a damper on his work day. So as much as he loved soaking in some vitamin D today was not the day. 
“Are you joking?” he huffs as he brings down the blinds, hand yanking at the flimsy string in an attempt to get it unstuck. “How stup—you’d think with the amount I pay every month in rent the blinds would work!” 
Alright, so maybe he was a little grumpy today, choosing to take it out on an inanimate object and blame it purely on the bad decisions made last night—definitely had nothing to do with the residual moping of you going on a date. This could be fixed, easily. 
The first order of business? Texting you to see if you’d be interested in devouring greasy food from your favorite place down the street. He’d get to see you and finally put something in his stomach, it’s the best of both worlds really. 
Jungkook forgets about the blinds, leaving them stuck in the awkward position as he walks away entirely, fishing his phone out of his pocket while he enters his room. It’s the same text he always sends when he’s hangry: If I don’t get food in the next 15 mins I'm burning this place down and taking you with me. 
He knows the response he’ll get, either that meme of the child in front of a burning house or an equally hangry paragraph. The phone gets tossed onto his bed as he changes out of his work clothes, needing to dispose of the business casual attire that was suffocating him, his old college hoodie giving him the comfort he needs. 
By the time he’s finally slipping on his sneakers he’s expecting you to come knocking on his door, your impatient attitude always putting a smile on his face. Half of the time your neighbors thought you were having arguments from the way you’d pound onto the slab of wood, saying his name with just enough annoyance laced into each syllable it would fool anyone into thinking you were actually upset instead of being a brat. But when that never comes, he reaches for his phone again. 
A few notifications fill up his screen, some instagram direct message previews, his group chat that he never responded to, and a few emails coming through, but you had yet to respond. Maybe it’s a little creepy, but Jungkook knows you’re home because he passed by your parked car on his way in. So his mind jumps to two extremes: you were either face down, drowning in your bathtub, or that yellow shades wearing wannabe version of himself was at your place. 
Not an ounce of shame sits within him as he speedwalks to the side his bed was on, placing both palms onto the wall before his ear was pressed against the cold drywall. Jungkook’s not really sure what would make him feel good, hearing you and Jung Hoseok together, or hearing nothing at all. His ears strain to hear anything, but the only sound he gets is his own blood pumping. 
With a small pout he pulls back, deciding he’d play the annoying neighbor role today and pound on your door instead. It’s a role he doesn’t take lightly, knuckles banging on the wood loud enough for you to hear wherever you were in your apartment. It takes a few minutes before any sign of life is shown, your door creaking open, and Jungkook is thankful because he was about to head to the maintenance office to ask for a key in case you actually were drowning in your bathtub. 
“C’mon, let’s get food,” he declares instantly, a charming smile on his face as he stands with his hands stuffed into his jean pockets. The smile slowly falls off when he gets a good look at you, hair looking like a mess on your head and your fluffy blanket draped around you as you give out a weak cough. “Are you sick?”
“I think so,” you rasp out, leaning against your door frame and tugging the blanket tighter around you. 
“Did that fucker give you mono?” Jungkook looks irritated, brows pinched together in a grimace—something you’re definitely not accustomed to seeing so you almost don’t catch his accusation.
“Jungkook, no! It’s nothing serious.”
He doesn’t look fully convinced, but he shrugs anyways, positive you weren’t interested in getting interrogated when you were feeling under the weather. “Alright, let me know if you need me to drive you to the doctor if it becomes something serious.”
With a roll of your eyes and a small smile, you wave him off, slowly shutting the door behind you. Your eye immediately peeks through your peephole, not relaxing until he makes his way down the hall and enters the elevator, still on his quest for greasy food. 
“God, how old are you?” you grumble to yourself, yanking the blanket off your body and onto the floor with a huff. Pretending to be sick to avoid your friend was a new low, especially after the post-orgasm epiphany you had last night. A sane person would come to terms with their feelings and confess to them, uncertainty and possible rejection be damned! But you? No, you have to fake a cold like the giant coward you are. 
The guilt only deepens when a knock comes from your door an hour later, a quick peek through your peephole allowing you to see Jungkook setting two plastic bags on the floor before stepping back and walking to his apartment next door. You don’t come out until you hear his door shut, seeing the logo of your favorite diner down the street. No doubt would your comfort meal be inside the takeaway container. 
It takes all you have to not rush over to his place and say you were lying when you see he had also gone ahead and got you cold medication, a few different bottles because he surely didn’t know which was best, along with teas and some cough drops. 
You’re a dirty liar. A horrible friend too. 
That doesn’t stop you from devouring the meal in the takeout box as you’re hunched over your breakfast bar like a little gremlin. “This is just for today,” you mumble out to yourself as you set the plastic fork down and chug some of the leftover alcohol you had in your fridge. It’s your own version of a pity party, except the food feels heavy in your stomach, knowing the man you were avoiding was the one who bought it—bring on the guilt. 
“I’ll talk to him tomorrow.”
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You’re a dirty liar and horrible friend 2.0. Why this time? Because tomorrow stretched out a few more days than planned. It wasn’t entirely intentional at first, getting stuck at work longer than usual and missing the weekly hangout at your place where you got your remote covered in cheeto dust as you argued over what to watch. But it trickled down onto shorter replies to his texts, or you scrambling out of your apartment and into the elevator so fast in order to not run into him, your mind still trying to list all the pros and cons to this potential relationship before you even had the guts to confess to your feelings. 
Jungkook didn’t know thats what was occupying your mind, no he was currently thinking the worst. He notices the change instantly, recognizing it because this was the exact way you had acted while you were with Hajoon, right before you broke the news to him that you needed to keep some distance while you focused on your relationship. So Jungkook automatically assumes that your sudden change in behavior after going on a single date with Jung Hoseok, was because you wanted to make your relationship with this man work. 
His assumption stings—a lot actually—and soon enough he stops initiating conversations altogether. He didn’t want to hear you tell him you had to distance yourself again, he’s not sure his heart could handle that a second time, so he decides to get ahead of the curb and take a massive step away from you. It hurts him to know you’re right next door, and just like before, it’s like you’re back to being total strangers. 
Safe to say Jungkook was currently going on his own downward spiral. 
You could text him like nothing had happened and he’d accept it with open arms, but instead you text your best friend an SOS text, begging her to meet you at your place. She calls you dramatic at first, but once you say it’s about Jungkook she shows up at your place in record time. 
“Did you finally fuck him?” Is her greeting of choice, spoken shamelessly from the hallway with no worry about her volume. She cackles when you yank the bottle of wine from her grasp and tug her into your apartment, letting the door slam behind her. 
“You’re lucky he’s not home you bitch.” An eye roll is her only response, yanking the bottle back and making her way into your kitchen to grab the opener. 
“So you didn’t fuck him?” The cork pops at her question, a curious glance staring you down as she pours the red liquid into an oversized cup. 
“No Seulgi, I didn’t fuck him. But I did...something.” It makes your face warm up as you remember it, gratefully grabbing the cup she hands your way because you definitely need some liquid courage before confessing to your sins.
She hums in thought as she raids your pantry for something to munch on, settling on a bag of mini pretzels before leading you to your couch, needing to know the gossip that led to your sos text. “Okay, did you accidentally send him a nude then?”
“No, that wouldn’t be so bad I think?” Sending him an accidental nude would be laughable, probably resolved by a few screaming texts and dumb jokes before moving on. But new feelings seeing the light of day seemed so much worse. “But I sort of kissed him at a club a few weeks ago to get back at Hajoon—long story,” you cut in when you see her ready to fire off questions. 
“And then I went on that failed Tinder date I told you about, and when I got home I sort of heard him, you know,”— you mimic a jerking off motion with your hand and ignore her lewd gasp, “and then I…” you trail off shamefully. 
“No!” she gasps even louder, hand pressed to her mouth and eyes wide. 
“Yes! And the fucking orgasm opened my eyes and made me realize that maybe that tiny crush you guys always joke about him having is real, and maybe I have a tiny crush on him too.”
“Does he know?”
“That I like him?”
“No, that you rubbed one out while listening to him you dirty slut!” Oh she’s loving this, leaning back into your cushions with a handful of pretzels resting on her boobs, a sly smile on her lips as she takes a sip of her wine. She’s the one who planted the seed in your mind, playfully joking about Jungkook any chance she got, saying he had the hots for you because she enjoyed the flustered look on your face. No doubt would she text the group chat with the news the second you finish this cry for help. 
“Do you think I told him? I can barely come to terms with the fact that I like him. Like what am I supposed to do?”
She sighs dramatically, munching on the final pretzel on her tits before sitting up and dusting off the crumbs from her shirt. “Look, I know you’re just realizing that he likes you so this is still new and fresh for you, but we’ve noticed it for years. It’s fine that you didn’t see it, you had other things occupying your mind.” 
You frown as you stare at the rug beneath your feet, remembering how life was when you first moved into this complex. Getting out of a previous relationship weeks prior, when you had met Jungkook your mind was not interested in pursuing anything with him regardless of how cute you thought he was. It made it easier for you to form a friendship, not worried about trying to impress him, or flirt with him, allowing him to see you for who you truly are. 
Jungkook had his fair share of girlfriends during the years, none of which were entirely serious but by the time he was completely single you had met Hajoon, and he had accepted the fact that maybe you were better off as friends and he would just admire you from afar. That is, until you decided to plant one on him. So technically this is your fault. 
“Jungkook likes you okay, and I’m sure if you just marched next door and told him you like him too he’ll drop on one knee and marry you.”
“Shut up,” you snort, shoving her shoulder with a smile. 
“As a matter of fact, go over there right now!” She stands up from her spot, yanking your arms to haul you up with her. 
“I told you, he’s not home. But, I’ll tell him. I have to.”
Seulgi crosses her arms over her chest as she stares at you, clearly displeased that she wouldn’t be witness to this love story unfolding in real time. “You better. You never know what sneaky little bitch is trying to get him to get over you.”
The sneaky little bitch in question is Park Jimin, currently sitting directly across from Jungkook, guzzling down beer like his life depends on it. It's impressive really, how quickly he empties the cup, eyes shut looking as content as could be even in the dim lighting. Jungkook can only watch with a grimace as his friend sets the glass down and wipes at his mouth with no sense of table manners. 
“What?” he burps, proceeding to pour more of the golden liquid into his cup from the pitcher in the middle of the table. 
“I always forget how absolutely disgusting you are. How do you do it?” Jimin just frowns at the question, not entirely understanding so Jungkook continues. “What switch do you flip to go from sipping champagne to chugging beer like a fucking biker.”
“It’s a talent, I know.” He smiles wide, reaching forward to grip Jungkook’s hand and force him to grab his own cup. Condensation was pooling around the bottom from sitting there untouched, and that just wouldn’t do on Jimin’s watch. “C’mon, drink it!”
“Fine,” Jungkook grumbles, raising the glass and allowing Jimin to clank the cups together before taking a big gulp. He doesn’t clear the cup like his friend did seconds prior but it's enough to appease him. It tastes absolutely bitter the whole way down, settling into his stomach uncomfortably, and the look on his face as he pushes the glass away from him is very telling. 
Boisterous shouts fill the sports bar they were in, huddles of people surrounding the tables and booths as they watched the current soccer match playing on the televisions lining the walls. Jungkook honestly feels like a debby downer now, moping in his seat instead of enjoying the atmosphere with his friend like they normally did. The current game was definitely not the reason Jungkook had texted Jimin to grab drinks, no he needed an outlet to talk about you—preferably in a space that didn’t have walls as thin as his apartment.  
When he barely acknowledges the plate of wings set in front of him Jimin huffs, resisting the urge to dig in because he knew once he did he wouldn’t be able to focus on anything else. “Are you gonna be like this the entire time?”
“Like what?” Jungkook has the gall to ask, acting as if he wasn’t looking like a wounded animal. 
“Like you just discovered your wife of ten years is having an affair with your sister.”
He sits up straighter at that, eyes wide in disbelief. “Jesus.“
Jimin knew the jist of what was happening through the texts he had received the past week, but it seems like Jungkook didn’t want to jump into the topic of it at all now that they were sitting across from each other. He just sighs before deciding to be honest, wasting no time beating around the bush to hopefully be the voice of reason Jungkook needs. “You’ve been simping over her for years JK, and I get it, you think she could be the one. But what about you huh? It’s not fair for you to have your heart wrung out each time she gets a man and decides to put the friendship on pause—“
“That happened once!” He defends, brows pinched on his forehead as he shakes his head, ready to explain your situation because he wasn’t a fan of hearing his friend say anything about you when he didn’t truly know what happened. “The dude was a piece of shit and basically told her it was him or me. I’m not gonna crucify her for wanting a long term relationship to work.”
“Right, so she’s not icing you out again because she got a new man? That’s literally what you told me, it’s why I bought you this sympathy pitcher of beer!”
“Fuck you, you bought this pitcher for yourself.” Jimin had chugged two giant glasses of beer already, and was steadily working on his third, whereas Jungkook’s watered down cup remained relatively untouched. “Besides, I was just...spiraling and assumed when I sent you that desperate text. But I haven’t heard anything.”
Jimin can only stare blankly at the table as he processes what was just said before locking eyes with his friend once more, “Sorry, what? You haven’t heard anything? The hell kind of riddle is that.”
Jungkook sinks into the booth with a look of shame, not wanting to admit to occasionally laying in his bed at night in complete and total silence just to see if he could hear you and the hypothetical version of Jung Hoseok doing literally anything. It’s not one of his proudest moments, feeling like a bit of a creeper as he laid stiff on his bed, too scared to make a sound.  “Nothing, forget about it. Point is, I haven’t seen the fucker come in or out of her place, so what does that mean?”
A deep sigh comes from Jimin, hand reaching forward to push the beer closer to Jungkook, desperately trying to get him to drink and ease up. “It means you pay far too much attention to her. When was the last time you got any action?”
Two weeks ago. From his hand and filthy imagination. 
“A few months,” he grumbles, remembering his last hook up that happened a few days before he discovered you got dumped. 
“Get outta here.” Jimin rolls his eyes as he points to the door. “Literally, go stand at the corner outside, show some thighs or a tattooed titty and take your pick of the swarm of girls that will surely follow you.”
Jungkook thinks he’s joking, but when his friend doesn’t drop his hand and narrows his eyes threateningly he knows he’s being serious. “My tits aren’t even tattooed,”—his large palms press against his shirt covered chest as if to prove a point— “And you sound like a douchebag talking like this.”
“What? She went on a tinder date and definitely got laid, so you need to even out the playing field. Also, it might help you chill the hell out.”
“Oh my god, you’re not helping.” Jungkook really didn’t need that visual again, it had flashed in his mind too often the night of his pity party and now it was once again at the front of his brain. 
“Alright, okay. I’m throwing out my safe word right now.” Jimin leans closer, arms resting on the table with a confused look on his face. “What do you need from me here? Like, do I play the role of a supportive friend who wants you to get over her, or do I play the role of a friend who wants you to confess? Because you’re giving me some mixed signals Jeon.”
A groan escapes Jungkook, fingers rubbing at his eyes before dragging down his face as he sinks even further into his seat. “I don’t know.” 
It’s the truth. Jungkook had no idea what he wanted his friend to do to help him. He knew that although his feelings for you have weighed heavy on his chest for what seems like years, you technically had no idea, so he feels a little guilty over his frustration for the whole situation. You were newly single again and determined to go through this self proclaimed wild phase so Jungkook isn’t dumb enough to think you can’t go out and do whatever you want, even if that means being with someone who isn’t him. 
“Look,” Jimin sighs, pulling him out of his thoughts. “You only have two choices here, tell her how you feel and accept whatever comes with it, or make peace with the idea of just being friends. Either way, I think you need to loosen up and have fun tonight.”
“Yeah, you’re right.” Jungkook sits himself up, wrapping his fingers around the cup in an effort to at least look like he wanted to be here. He couldn’t sit here and mope about a problem like this when he hadn’t attempted to come out and tell you how he feels. 
One night of loosening up to get you off his mind wouldn’t hurt, if anything it might help him come to his senses. At least that’s what Jimin was currently whispering with a mischievous smile on his lips. “It’ll be fine, I’ll make sure you don’t black out and get home safe. Who knows, you might get plastered enough to drunk text your confession.”
Jungkook glares at his friend, not liking the goofy look on his face as he starts to laugh. “I swear to god, you better not let me get to that point. Take my phone away from me.”
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Jimin obviously wants to see the world burn, or at least he enjoys it when Jungkook somehow digs himself into his own grave. That's exactly why he responds with a million laughing emojis when Jungkook texts him asking why the hell he hadn’t taken his phone last night. 
He did a good job hiding his shock when a knock came from his front door, half expecting it to be you, keeping a smile on his face as he allowed  the person who was very clearly not you in before swiftly entering his bathroom. Jungkook wants to stay locked here forever, holed up while he sits on his toilet and not in the living room with company. It wasn’t like it was bad company either, his drunken ass going through his contact list and sending an invitation to hangout the following day to the last person he spoke to, Aillie. 
The girl is sweet, someone he had a casual fling with for months, someone who was used to his random texts so she doesn’t think twice before agreeing. The only silver lining to this was that he hadn’t sent you a typo-filled drunken confession, which is what Jimin responds with before telling him to suck it up and leave his bathroom. 
Jungkook accepts his fate, as well as accepting that he is partially responsible for this. He shoves his device back into his pockets before standing up and flushing the toilet for show, washing his hands just to stall. One good glance at his reflection makes him cringe, stained shirt and sweats combo leaves him looking like the unprepared mess he is. Another detour through his room to change was a must before he has no choice but to step back out. 
“You’re totally hung over aren’t you?” Aillie jokes from her spot on the couch, comfortable enough in his apartment from the time spent here. She locks her phone as she stands up, taking her time to really look Jungkook over. He was not dressed like someone who was expecting a guest, and despite having seen Jungkook at his sloppiest, his previous attire of oversized shirt and slightly stained sweatpants didn’t look like someone who was expecting a fuck buddy to pop over. Even with his new outfit looking more put together, it was obvious Jungkook was caught off guard by her showing up. 
“What?” Jungkook dumbly asks, trying to come up with some lame excuse to justify his earlier appearance but he falls short. His fingers gently rake through his hair, a grimace falling on his face as he looks back up at her. “Actually, a little. Sorry, I got drunk last night when I text you so sober me was not really prepared.”
“Yeah I figured, you sent me some blurry selfies right after. But we can just hang, we don’t have to do anything,” she trails off, a soft smile on her lips. The only time they ever hung out was to hook up, having ten minute conversations before and after the fact. “Or I can leave too if it's weird that I’m here.” 
Jungkook is shaking his head before she can even finish, already feeling bad enough after texting her to come over. How shitty would he be if he immediately kicked her out. This was fine, a nice distraction from it all, decent middle ground that would help him get his mind off you without having to take Jimin’s douchebag advice. 
“No, we can watch a movie or something. It’s not like I have other plans.” Had this been two weeks ago it would be a totally different story. Jungkook would typically be waiting in his apartment as he stared at the slowly ticking clock, just waiting for it to strike 7:30 because that's when you usually got home. Then he’d either get a text from you to come over with snacks or you’d show up at his door and invite yourself over for the weekly game night. 
It didn’t happen last week, or the week prior, so Jungkook is very confident that it would not be happening today either. It’s that same sense of confidence—and saltiness—that allows him to get comfortable with Aillie, blissfully unaware that you had just pulled into the parking garage a few stories below. 
“I swear to god if you don’t go straight to his door the minute you get off the elevator I will never let you live it down.” Seulgi’s voice fills your car through the speakers, fading out as you shut the car off and bring your phone to your ear to continue the conversation. 
“Dude, I just got off work. I need to make myself look decent.” Plastic bags rustle together as you grab the snacks you had picked up on your way home, all full of yours and Jungkook's favorite treats. It was definitely a guilt fueled purchase, hoping the items were enough to distract him from the fact that you were kind of a bitch for ghosting him recently, or at least butter him up into accepting your apology easier. 
“You think Jungkook cares if you’re a little sweaty from work? He’s a grown man, that’s not gonna stop him from going do—“
“Okay, goodbye!” You hastily cut her off as you press the elevator button, hearing her rambling off about being interrupted. “I’m about to get on the elevator, I’ll tell you how it goes.”
With a small sigh you hang up and stuff the device into your purse, stepping onto the lift as the doors open up and pressing the number for your floor. Your hands are clammy as you grip the plastic bag, uncharacteristically nervous about seeing Jungkook again after so long. 
The main obstacle for you to get over was apologizing for being a crappy friend, and if that went well you were going to suck it up and just come out and confess, the odds of him saying no were slim. And even if he did, you’re perfectly content with staying friends, as long as you could keep him close. 
It’s that same optimistic mentality that allows you to calm down as you enter your place and decide to give yourself a minute to mentally prepare. His favorite ice cream gets put into the freezer for later before you decide to shower and give yourself a pep talk the entire time. 
This pep talk of yours is filled with best case scenarios: Jungkook accepting the confession with open arms, finally being able to kiss him properly, everything falling into place the way it should have a long time ago. And as you head over, totally sober, freshly washed, looking and smelling your best, you really can’t picture this going any other way. 
With a deep breath you’re knocking on his front door, quickly pulling back your hand and wiping it onto your pants as you step back. Jungkook hears the knock clearly from his spot on the couch, his gaze tearing away from the television to stare at his front door with a small frown. He hadn’t ordered any food and Aillie had just excused herself to use his bathroom so his brain is having a hard time wondering who it could be. 
He curses under his breath, not putting it past himself to have texted a second person last night with an invitation to hang out. Why was Jungkook a friendly drunk?
As he presses his eye against the peephole and spots you standing there, he thinks he’s imagining things. It had seemed like so long since he had last seen you in person, and the warped fish-eyed version of you has him stepping back and rubbing his eyes before taking another glance. He suddenly feels like throwing up, and he can’t blame his earlier hangover on it. 
For a brief second he contemplates pretending he hadn’t heard you, but the guilt of doing so makes his heart twist, so he musters up the courage to open the door. It’s barely a crack really, just enough for you to see him while still concealing his apartment, something you definitely found strange because you’re usually flinging the door open and strutting right in, but you suppose his reaction is warranted considering your previous behavior. 
“Y/N, hey. Are you alright?”
“Huh? Yeah, I’m fine!” Your fingers tangle together in front of you, not entirely sure what to do with your nerves and Jungkook spots it easily. His own nerves sky rocket when he hears the sound of running water coming from his bathroom a few feet away, knowing Aillie would most likely pop out any second now, and he’s not sure why it feels like a dirty secret that he has another girl over. 
“Did you need something?”
“Yeah, I was actually wanting to talk to you about something kind of important.” Your smile is hopeful, despite the nerves swirling in your eyes. The nervous skip of your heart is felt in your throat, not remembering the last time you had felt this way about telling someone how you felt about them romantically. 
“Right now?” he wonders, fingers gripping the door handle tighter when he hears his bathroom door unlock, the sound of footsteps rounding the corner before stepping into the living room, a few feet away from the door and in perfect view of the wedge Jungkook had opened. 
When your eyes flicker over his shoulder, spotting the auburn haired girl giving you a curious glance, you feel all your confidence slip away. Seulgi had definitely been right about needing to confess soon, Jungkook was a catch and just because you hadn’t realized it sooner didn’t mean the rest of the world was blind to it. 
“Yeah, right now...but you’re busy, so it’s fine!” You want to scramble away from there, feeling dumb the longer you stand there. Jungkook wants to say he’s not busy, kick the girl out of his place and invite you in but that wouldn’t be fair to her, for all he knew your important conversation would be a repeat of the conversation you had over Hajoon, and he really didn't want to get friendship dumped while this girl was in his apartment. He’s pretty sure his Yelp rating would drop a bit if he cried on the couch about you to his old hook up. 
He starts to speak but you cut him off before he can, “Don’t worry about it! I’ll see you later.” You force a smile before walking away, not allowing him to get a word in as you quickly step into your apartment and move to the furthest room away from your bedroom. 
You can feel the cold of your kitchen floor as you sit on your butt, back against your cabinets, the small twinge of defeat spreading within you. “This is fine. Maybe she’s just a friend. I can always tell him tomorrow,” you whisper out. But your fingers seem to think otherwise as they type out a message to Seulgi, informing her that the mission was unsuccessful and you’d be putting on The Notebook like you always did. It was basically protocol to do so when things went south in your life. 
She doesn’t even know how to console you, knowing she can’t tell you it was his loss or that he wasn’t worth it because she knows that’d be a lie and you wouldn’t believe it for a second. The only thing she can offer is coming over, but you’re quick to turn her down, deciding that being alone in the comfort of your bed as you inhaled the ice cream you bought for Jungkook would be best. 
Is being in your room the wisest choice when you know you share a wall with Jungkook—and he has a cute girl over? No. Probably not. But you figure if you hear anything explicit it’s just your dose of karma, so you accept it, turning up the volume of the movie a few levels just to soften the blow. 
However, Jungkook would definitely not be hooking up with her in his bedroom, or anywhere in his apartment for that matter. Luckily Aillie is blessed with the gift of reading the damn room and can easily spot the shift in Jungkook’s mood the second he shuts the door. She’s sitting on the edge of the couch now, hands gently placed on her knees as she gives him a sympathetic smile. 
“I get the vibe that somethings off.”
He looks up at her then, slowing his pace until he’s awkwardly standing in the middle of the room with his hands shoved deep into his pockets. “My friend—my neighbor just wanted to talk about something. But everything’s fine.”
The lie tastes bitter on his tongue, and Aillie doesn’t believe him in the slightest. A small sigh fills the air as she stands up, collecting her bag and approaching him. “Look, I know deep talks really aren’t our thing so I’m not going to even try to dive into this, but you should go talk to your friend.”
A comforting hand is placed on his shoulder before she makes her way to the door to leave, Jungkook already following closely behind her. “No, you don’t have to go. You came all this way because I texted you with way too much tequila in my system.”
“Jungkook,” she laughs, opening the door with a smile. “You’re way too sweet for your own good. It was nice seeing you though.” Her eyes slowly move over to your front door before looking back at him, head cocking to the side in a very clear indication that he better go over. He can only nod in understanding, waving her goodbye and shutting the door once she heads down to the elevator. 
The action sounds of the movie they were watching continues to fill his apartment, whatever chaos was going on only making his brain whirl so he’s quick to grab the remote and shut it off entirely. Now he’s just stuck in complete silence, wondering if he should quickly make his way over to yours or play it calm and collected. 
The total silence allows him to hear the muffled mumbling of a movie he knew all too well. It draws him in, lures him into his bedroom until he’s kneeling on the mattress with his ear pressed against the wall to properly make it out. You were watching the Notebook, at a concerning volume, which could mean a number of things. Jungkook knew none of them were good, usually rooted in issues you had with your ex, or a tough day at work, or any particular day where you just felt like crying. 
With a deep breath, he’s slowly knocking along his wall, almost experimentally, hoping it's enough to grab your attention through the current scene playing. For a second he thinks maybe you’ve fallen asleep while watching the film, but then the room falls silent as you pause it entirely. 
Your hearts racing now, ears straining to hear anything else and hoping this wasn’t how the beginning of the explicit noises would start, but then another knock comes from behind you. It makes you gasp, like you’ve just been caught being the nosey neighbor you are, hearing the soft scrape of his hand sliding down the wall. The ice cream gets put onto your nightstand as you sit up properly, forcing yourself out of the mountain of pillows you were practically suffocating in and turning around to knock back.
Jungkook’s palm presses back onto the wall, smiling at your response before fishing his phone out of his pocket. His fingers find your thread of messages, further down the list than he was used to, and as he opens them up and sees the string of unanswered texts dating back to two weeks ago, it stings just like it did before. He pushes his pride aside though, knowing you had wanted to talk today in person, so he proceeds to quadruple text you. 
Jungkook 8:44pm : are you seriously watching the notebook again?
You’re unlocking your phone the second it buzzes, smiling at the dimly lit screen before typing out a response. 
Y/N 8:45pm : shut up, it’s my comfort movie
Y/N 8:45pm : do you wanna watch it with me? for old times sake
The device is locked and placed face down onto your sheets the second you hit send, sinking into the pillows once again as you try not to scream at yourself because you know he’ll hear you. Why would you invite him over when he clearly has company? You had seen her with your own eyes, had seen how cute she is, had seen how cute Jungkook is, it doesn’t take a genius to put two and two together. 
Jungkook is quick though, texting back in agreement and heading over instantly. If you were watching your comfort movie then Jungkook wanted to make sure you were okay. Putting the past two weeks behind him, knowing you’d most likely have a good enough explanation—an explanation he would definitely be needing before the night was over—he’s knocking on your door before you can even check your messages. 
It takes you a minute to untangle your limbs from your covers as you hastily try to get to your door, sock clad feet sliding along your wooden floors when you finally yank the door open. Jungkook wears a soft smile as he stares down at you, taking note that you had switched your outfit to your usual sad movie binge attire of baggy shirt and lounge shorts. His eyes zero in on your lips when he notices there's something lingering at the corner of them. 
“So, are you gonna share whatever the hell that is?” His finger points at it smugly, laughing when your tongue peeks out to wipe it away. 
“It was actually meant to be for you.” Stepping aside, you let him enter your place. Jungkook almost feels a little strange being here after the weird few weeks, but he pushes it aside, just wanting things to feel normal. 
“Does that mean there’s no more left?” His eyes playfully narrow at you as you step closer, moving on to stare at the kitchen table, and the coffee table in search of the tub of ice cream that supposedly had his name on it. The earlier nerves you felt slowly fade away when you realize he’s not visibly upset about what happened, but it only makes your guilt deepen that despite your ability to be a crummy friend, Jungkook would still try his best to come through for you. 
“There’s about half of it left, it’s probably a little soft now though.” You side step him to enter the kitchen, grabbing an extra spoon and handing it over as a peace treaty, smiling when he gratefully accepts it. “C’mon, I paused the movie.”
Jungkook is not a stranger to your bedroom, especially when sappy movies were playing, finding his spot easily on the right side where he typically handed you tissues whenever you cried. The tissues were missing this time, in place of them being the bag of snacks you had bought, his ice cream on the other nightstand. 
“What part are you on?” he asks, settling onto the bed after fluffing up the pillows, waving his hands so you could pass the tub of ice cream his way. 
“It just started raining on the boat.” Jungkook hums, scooping out some of the chocolate ice cream and into his mouth. He knew this scene very well, and when you press play, he mentally repeats all of the lines. Just as Noah declares he wrote her 365 letters, you awkwardly clear your throat, your own spoon slowly sneaking over to his side to steal some ice cream for yourself. 
“I’m sorry if I made things awkward with your date.” Your voice sounds timid, something he’s not used to hearing from you at all, so he chuckles, laughing harder when you swat at his arm. “I’m serious, I should have texted you before just showing up.”
“Really? When have you ever done that before?” The two of you never notified the other when they wanted to show up, Jungkook had even given you the code to his place once when he was at work and you were desperate for some fruity pebbles—you used that code to your advantage and Jungkook never hated it. But all things considered, it's fair why you think you would have to give him a heads up. 
“You didn’t make it awkward though.” It’s not the complete truth, you coming over is what had made Aillie decide to leave, but Jungkook had to take most of the credit for it. “I kinda made it awkward from the beginning.”
“Why, what happened?”
“I went out last night with Jimin“ —you immediately hum in understanding, knowing very well how convincing Jimin could be with alcohol— “and apparently I texted her to hang out today, had no recollection, so when she showed up I was definitely not ready.”
“Damn, this is how I know you’re a better person than I am. If that happened to me, the second I checked my peephole and saw someone I didn’t remember inviting over, I’m gonna pretend I’m not home.”
“Yeah well, she lives like an hour away so I’d feel like an ass if I did that. Don’t think I’ll be talking to her again any time soon though.” He sighs in thought, gently tapping his spoon on the surface of the softening ice cream. There was one thing weighing heavy on his mind, needing to know what important thing you had to talk to him about, wondering if you were actually going to friendship dump him earlier and he had just made it worse by coming over and hanging out like old times. 
He doesn’t want to come right out and ask it though, not wanting to set himself up for an awkward conversation in case that wasn’t what you wanted to talk about, so he settles for something safe enough that would allow him to get a glimpse. 
“So how are things with Hoseok?” Yeah, that’s a good start. 
“Huh?” Your spoon freezes in its spot, face clearly looking confused in the dim glow of the television, the movie long forgotten now that you were speaking. 
“Tinder guy? Yellow sunglasses guy that gave you mono?” 
It suddenly clicks again, having forgotten all about Jung Hoseok the second you had gotten home from the failed date and came to terms with your feelings. Your lie of having a cold must have been believable enough for Jungkook to genuinely think he had given you something like mono. 
“He didn’t give me mono!” Jungkook rolls his eyes with a playful smile, humming along like he totally believes you. “But I didn’t tell you?”
He frowns as he stares at you, not entirely sure how to take your tone. “Tell me what? That you’re engaged and the wedding is in June?”
“No way,” you laugh, swatting his spoon away with a clank as you grab some ice cream before shoving it in your mouth, fighting against the brain freeze to continue speaking. “Our date was a bust.”
“How? Was it that bad?” He desperately wanted to know, having convinced himself the date had gone spectacularly well and you were now an exclusive item. The small twinge of guilt is felt when he realizes he’s a little too happy that the date had been a failure, but he allows himself to have this small, tiny victory. 
“Mm, it was so good it was bad.” He looks utterly confused, and you don’t blame him, so you elaborate. “He was this perfect gentleman who just wanted to play games, like to the point where he had a notebook where he was tallying our points, and then he walked me to my car and kissed my cheek goodbye.”
“Oh the horror!” Jungkook gasps, setting his spoon down to clutch his heart in dramatics. “How dare he try to romance you with a game night.”
“Jungkook, shut up!” you laugh, finally feeling like everything was right again, sitting in bed with your closest friend as you teased each other. “Look, I’ll give him some credit. The date was nice, he was not the sleazy douchebag his profile made him out to be, and I’m sure he’ll find the perfect girl for him on Tinder. But he clearly wanted something serious and—“
“And you don’t want that right now. It’s fair.” Of course you would turn him down, you had just decided to embark on this new adventure in the single world. It was kind of dumb for Jungkook to assume one date with Tinder Boy would be enough for you to give up your short lived dream. 
You take a steady breath at his words before taking another scoop of ice cream, lips wrapped around the spoon as you slowly pull it out of your mouth. The nerves are trickling back in, making your heart skip and your eyes bounce around. If you don’t come out and say it now, you know you never will. 
Your spoon joins his in the tub of ice cream before you decide to move it back to the nightstand, forcing yourself to look back at him, seeing him turned away as he rummages through the plastic bag full of snacks. “I don’t want that with him.”
Jungkook freezes, the rustling of plastic ceases as his hands come back to his sides and he turns back around. With him. He was the king of jumping to worse case scenarios so his brain has no issues coming to this very horrible conclusion. 
“Have you been talking to Hajoon again?”
“No, Jungkook I haven’t.”
“Are you sure? I’m saying this now, but if you get back with him I will not hesitate to pop him in the face if I run into him in the halls. It’s fair game out there, neutral territory for him to get his ass beat—“
“It’s you.”
His brain short circuits at that, mini versions of himself currently running around and screaming in his head as he tries to make sense of this. The first instinct he has is to crack a joke, to say that he hadn’t been talking to Hajoon again, and laugh it off. But you look a little too vulnerable right now, eyes nervously looking at him and then looking away at his lingering silence. 
“Wait, what?” It’s the only thing he can sputter out, caught off guard by your words, not wanting to say anything else in case the world was cruel enough for him to have completely misheard you. 
“I don’t want that with Tinder Boy or Hajoon, I want it with you.” It gets a little easier saying it a second time, but his reaction is hard to gauge. You had been expecting him to reciprocate the confession instantly, but the longer he looked shocked only made you think that you and Seulgi had been seriously wrong about his supposed crush. 
Jungkook is having a difficult time trying to go from you ghosting him to you suddenly admitting to liking him, the change in emotions not allowing him to say anything he had practiced in the mirror for so long. He can’t come out and give you a speech about how he thinks you’re the one, how you’re obviously a good match together, brain too focused on other details. “How long have you known this?”
“For the past two weeks, but deep down I know it’s been longer.”
His wide eyes glance over at you now, everything slowly clicking into place. “Is this why you’ve been avoiding me?”
“Yes,” you mumble, embarrassed over the way you had acted. The last time you had avoided someone was in elementary school, having a best friend go ask your crush if he likes you while you hid in the bathroom, scared of the answer. “I like you Jungkook and I knew I wouldn’t be able to play it cool. I was scared to say something and have you not feel the same and then have our friendship be weird.”
Jungkook smiles in that adorable way you love, nose scrunching up cutely as he leans closer, large palms coming to cup your cheeks. He has wanted to hear this for so long, and sure, maybe it wasn’t some super romantic confession over a candlelit dinner like he had occasionally dreamed of, but this felt right. 
“You’re so stupid,” he whispers out, thumb softly caressing your cheek as he chuckles, feeling the way your lips turn into a frown at his harmless insult. 
“Jungkook, I’m being serious,” you whine, heart still pounding in your chest. Your hands come up to gently wrap around his wrists, allowing him to continue to squish your cheeks with that endearing look on his face. 
“I’m being serious too Y/N. Did you really think I wouldn’t feel the same?” Jungkook did everything he did with you out of pure friendliness, never expecting to get something in return from it, but there was a small sprinkling of a crush in every one of his actions. “I like you too, and I have for a really long time.”
The relief you feel comes instantly, lips slowly pulling into a smile when you finally have the confidence to look directly into his eyes again. If this is how light you feel after the two weeks spent freaking out, you can only imagine how Jungkook feels. “Really?”
“Yes, really. Now, can I please kiss you?” You’re nodding the second the question leaves his mouth, eyes fluttering shut as his hands glide down to cup your jaw, soft lips slowly pressing against yours. It’s a gentle smack of skin as he pulls back, a smirk on his lips when he opens his eyes, softly rubbing his nose against yours. 
“Wait,” he breathes out, chuckling softly. “Is he still looking?” He has the nerve to repeat the same question that had been the root of your guilt, and when your eyes shoot open and glare at him, he can’t stop the laughter that bubbles out. 
“I hate you,” you mutter out, not an ounce of truth behind it. 
“Mm, no you don’t.” 
His lips find yours again, falling into a steady rhythm, softer and less rushed than the first kiss you had shared at the club. There’s no pounding bass in the background, or the taste of liquor on your lips, but Jungkook prefers it this way. He likes the low hum of the movie continuing to play in the background, the sweetness of the ice cream lingering on your lips when his tongue gently swipes at the seam of them, the way your hands slowly slide around his neck as he deepens each kiss. 
With each shared breath, you slide further down your bed, pulling Jungkook down with you until he’s hovering directly above you. His knees dig into the sheets, one hand pressed beside your head to keep himself stable as you urge him even closer to you. The delicate golden chain he wears kisses your skin, pendant settling onto your chest, the cool sensation is almost enough to distract you as his tongue slowly slips into your mouth. Jungkook groans when you let out a small gasp, your fingers slipping into his hair and tugging gently at the strands by the nape of his neck. 
He wants to remember this kiss instead of the one from the club, embed every gasp you let out into his brain, the way your chest pushes up to feel more of him, how your hands slide down his back, leaving a fiery trail in their path that makes Jungkook shiver. And when you slide your thighs further apart for him, innocently at first, he can’t help it when his lips freeze on yours as you slowly roll your hips upwards. It gives him the same automatic reaction he had gotten at the club, all the blood rushing to his cock instantly, except this time he doesn’t feel the shame he had felt before. There was no ulterior motive to what you were doing, sincerity shown in your confession, shared within each kiss, so Jungkook allows himself to bask in the want he feels for you.
“Y/N,” he groans out when you repeat the action, pulling away from your swollen lips to stare at you through hooded eyes. You’re licking your lips over as your eyes slowly open, a small glimmer evident in them as you tilt your head and pretend to not know what you’re doing.
“What?” you question, leaning up to kiss the edge of his mouth, giggling when he attempts to chase your lips as you pull back, choosing to kiss down his jaw instead. As your tongue gently trails along the side of his neck, you feel the harsh gulp he takes, his fingers bunching up in the sheets beside your head. His neck has always been a weak point for him, turning him into a puddle in seconds, you knew this from the unfiltered conversations you’ve had and it was something you were definitely going to be using to your advantage. 
“You’re doing this on purpose,” he grunts, eyes fluttering shut as you nip at his skin, a visible shiver racking through him. 
“Of course I am,” you hum, letting your hands roam his back, sliding around his front until you’re sneaking past the white fabric of his shirt. When your cool hands meet his skin, he tenses, the muscles on his stomach tightening up as your fingertips trail up his body. You’ve known Jungkook was well defined, lean and toned in all the best places, having seen him shirtless a few times. But being able to touch him like this, feel each stuttered breath and jump of his skin reacting to your touch fueled you. 
Jungkook knows you can feel the racing of his heart now, your palms flat on his chest, each thrum revealing his emotions despite the cool and calm exterior he was trying to have. His hips lower towards yours, resisting the urge to rut into you as you start to suck on his skin. The low hum you let out vibrates against his neck, mixed in with the feeling of your wet lips, and he knows he’s done for. The final blow comes in the form of you swiping your tongue at the blossomed hickey, sweet voice pulling him back to earth as you look at him once more. “I want you Jungkook.”
Oh god, he couldn’t do this. His face pulls into a grimace, begging himself to not instantly cum in his pants at what you just said. How many times has he fantasized about this? Hoped you’d beg him for anything in that same exact voice, dreamed of you kissing and sucking on his skin like you currently were. Jungkook isn’t sure any amount of mental preparation would be enough for this. 
“Say that again please.”
You giggle, finger pushing back a strand of his hair as it falls over his face, tucking it behind his ear. The normal doe eyed look you were accustomed to is nowhere to be found, pupils blown out in lust as he stares at you. Being on the receiving end of this stare fills your stomach with butterflies, the flapping of their wings intensifying as he nudges his nose into yours. 
“I want you.” It’s breathless, spoken so softly through the background noise like a personal secret just for him. Jungkook doesn’t think he’ll ever grow tired of hearing you say it, that much is proven true when you repeat it in between kisses, trailing back up his neck in the same path you had taken until you're speaking the words directly against his lips. He swallows them down greedily, groaning into your mouth when his tongue tangles with yours once more. 
“Fuck, you can have me baby.” He chuckles against your mouth when you start to tug at his shirt, yanking the thin material until he has to pull back and slip the tee off himself. The balled fabric gets tossed aside without a care, dark swirls of ink on his arm fully revealed now, each tattoo reminding you of how long you’ve known him, remembering the two pieces that he had when you first met. When he leans back over you, taking his time trailing kisses down your neck, onto your chest until his own hands are slowly tugging your shirt off of you, you decide there’s other things to focus on besides his glorious tattoos.
“Ah, Jungkook,” you sigh, fingers tangling into his hair when he kisses the swells of your breast, warm tongue sliding over your nipple before his lips are wrapping around it. His large palm gropes the other, thumb flicking over the pebbled bud, smirking when you push your chest further out for him.
“What baby?” He pulls back to blow a gust of cool air on your nipple, the wetness of his saliva making your skin break out into goosebumps. 
“No teasing.”
Jungkook’s laughing now, eyes peering up at you through his lashes. “Oh, you think I’m not gonna tease you after what you did?” He tsks in disapproval as he continues to kiss down your torso, letting his hands trail down your sides, not stopping until he reaches the hem of your shorts. A kiss is placed above your navel as he pulls the shorts down your legs, toying with the waistband of your black underwear. “I’m gonna take my time with you.”
The build up before pleasure will always be your favorite part. The way his hands grip your thighs after tugging your underwear off, fingertips trailing up until his palm is pressing them further apart. It’s impossible to look at him now, the visual of his long hair framing his face as he starts to press wet kisses on your skin is too much to handle. You can feel the warm huff of air when he laughs as your head drops back onto the pillow once more, eyes slipping shut while you wait with anticipation. 
Jungkook wants to comment over how wet you are already, boost his own ego about being able to rile you up with just kissing, but he can see the way you’re already on edge, and he decides he can tease you some more later with what he has in store. Instead, he gives you what you’re mentally pleading him for. Finally pressing his soft lips to your folds, the short gasp you release as his tongue glides up before gently flicking across your clit has him shutting his own eyes, reveling in the way you react to his touch. 
His long fingers spread out your folds before he’s messily spitting onto them, watching the way the glob of saliva trickles down before he’s diving in, falling into the perfect pace with ease. It has your hips rutting up instantly, your hand uncurling its grip from your sheets to travel down your body and find its place tangled in his hair. Jungkook groans against your clit when your fingers grip tightly, yanking the dark strands as the prettiest moan flows out of you. 
“J-just like that, fuck,” you whimper, finally lifting your head up to stare down at him when he latches his lips around your clit and sucks. It sends a spark down your spine, stomach tensing at his rhythm, fully intent to have you fall apart. 
Jungkook wants to push you over the edge, knows he’s talented enough to get you there in record time—he was cocky in the best way—and the way your thighs tremble as he slowly sinks his finger into you proves his point. The slick coating your entrance allows a second finger to slip through with little resistance, a shuddering breath filling the air as he begins to spread his fingers apart, stretching you out in the most delicious way. 
It’s not until his fingers curl up, rubbing along the sweet patch inside of you and you moan out his name, that he realizes he has you right where he wants you. He can’t get himself to look up at you, to see the way your jaw drops as you plead for more. Jungkook knows if his eyes lock with yours too soon he’ll be too weak to be as cruel as he wants to be. 
The pleasure blooms inside you, hips rolling up into his in a way he welcomes, smirk spreading onto his lips when your moans get breathier. He eats you out with determination set in his brows, not satisfied until you’re tightening around his fingers, thighs threatening to close in on either side of his head. The messy way he slurps against you sends you reeling, rutting up into him with need, the wet thump of his fingers blending in with your moans of his name. 
“God, Jungkook, I’m gonna cum.” He believes you, eyes finally opening up to stare at you. The visual is enough to make his cock throb in his pants, your glassy eyed stare locked onto his, chest rising and falling in time with each choked breath. When he playfully winks at you, your walls pulse around him, seconds away from being pushed over the edge, and that’s when he pulls away. 
The warm glow of your orgasm approaching, just about to crest, gets ripped away from you instantly. It makes you gasp, thighs twitching as your hips attempt to push up back towards his mouth, but he’s having none of that. His shiny lips smile up at you innocently, head tilted to slowly kiss your trembling thighs, chuckling at the small cry of frustration you let out. 
“You taste good baby,” he hums, smooching the skin at the juncture of your thighs, circling around your clit without relieving the pressure you felt. The dull ache has your fingers releasing his hair in defeat, a frown etched onto your lips. 
“Jungkook, that’s mean,” you pant, sitting up and resting on your elbows to properly stare at him. 
“A little, but you deserved it don’t you think?” Jungkook didn’t want to tease you too much, he just wanted to get even for the past two weeks. “You could have had me between your thighs every single night if you would’ve said something soon, so I think you can be patient.”
A firm kiss is pressed to your swollen clit and it makes your whole body shudder, your head dropping back as you take a deep breath to control yourself. “I can’t be patient Kook,” you whine, head leveling back out to give him the most convincing stare you can muster. There's that crease between your brows that he likes when you pinch them together, hands gently raking through his hair, teeth pillowing out your lower lip as you bite down onto it. 
“Please, you can torture me later if you want but not now.” Your words have him cocking up his brow, hands once again gripping the meat of your thighs before he crawls back up your body. The feeling of his chain dragging up your skin has you shivering, breath catching in your throat when he hovers inches above you once more. 
“I’ll hold you to that,” he murmurs, pressing a soft kiss to the corner of your mouth before his hand slips between your thighs again. A groan reaches his ears as his fingers circle your clit, covered in your arousal and his saliva, gliding with ease as he works you back to your ruined orgasm. 
His lips find yours, swallowing down the moan you let out when he quickens his pace. You can taste yourself on his tongue, tangling with yours with more urgency than before, messy and desperate in a way that had more arousal gushing out of you. The earlier pleasure reignites inside you, your hands sliding around his neck to keep him close, kissing him with fervor, quiet moans and whimpers slipping past between each smack of your lips. 
“Jungkook,” you barely manage to squeal, a few more flicks needed to finally push you over the edge. Your lips are slick with spit as you pull back, jaw slack as you lose yourself in the feeling, and Jungkook easily bookmarks this into his brain to go back to and daydream of whenever he’s bored at work. Your eyes are squeezed shut as the feeling flows through you, not able to see how Jungkook stares at you in awe. 
“Holy shit,” he whispers, slowly pulling his hand away when you keen at the sensitivity, thighs twitching on the sheets as the pleasure rolls through you in waves. You’re looking up just in time to see him slip his messy fingers into his mouth, tongue licking them clean and savoring the taste of you. Just as he slides them back out, your fingers wrap around his wrist and lead them directly into your mouth, sinking onto them with your eyes locked on his own. 
Jungkook’s cock jumps in its confines when you suck, tip of your tongue circling his fingertips before popping them back out with a smirk. There’s a brief moment of shock on his features before he’s jumping into action, quickly unbuttoning his jeans in haste that left you giggling on your sheets. 
“What happened to patience?” you tease, laughing harder when he pauses with one foot stuck in the hole of his jeans, a playful glare thrown your way. 
“Oh, now you want patience?” He kicks his pants the rest of the way off, slowly shuffling towards you as he stands beside the bed in just his boxers. Your hands make grabby motions for him, reaching for the waistband of his underwear to tug them down, licking your lips over as his cock springs out. It bobs in the air for a second, thick and heavy, precum collecting at the tip with the prettiest veins on the underside of it. Of course Jungkook and his pretty privilege would have a dick worthy of leaving you speechless. 
Jungkook allows you to ogle at him, confidently wrapping his palm around the base of his cock, hissing slightly at the sensation as he looks down at it, allowing spit to accumulate behind his lips before a string of it escapes and lands right onto his length to help the glide of his palm. Your eyes widen at the sight, hand replacing his as he guides your motions, giving an experimental squeeze and enjoying how his abs tense up. 
“I’ve been patient for a long time Y/N. You said you want me right?” You’re nodding instantly, eyes looking away from his shiny length to stare up at him. “How do you want me?”
“Jungkook, just get over here.” He doesn’t resist when you let go of his cock, hands gripping his arm to yank him back onto the bed in a clumsy heap. His legs are a tangled mess, nearly ramming his forehead with yours from the force, shared laughter filling the air as you situate yourself. Jungkook had pictured this a thousand times and this is exactly how he imagined it, full of soft kisses, hushed laughter and goofy smiles, playfulness mixed in with lust all coming together perfectly to make the two of you. 
As he settles between your thighs, your sodden folds inches from his length, you can see the look on his face as his eyes glance in between both of your nightstands. Already knowing the question that was about to spill out, you beat him to the punch. “You don’t need one, if you don’t want to. I’m on birth control, and haven’t been with anyone since…” you trail off, not needing to specify.
Jungkook tries not to look too excited, really, but it’s hard. Every one of his lewd fantasies had involved being able to feel you entirely, and if your thoughts from that night were anything to go by, you definitely want the same. It takes him a second to speak, having to swallow properly to prevent himself from choking on his saliva and embarrassing himself in front of you. “I’m clean, I promise.”
“I trust you,” you smile, biting down onto your bottom lip as he fists his cock, slowly leading it to your dripping center. His free hand rests on your inner thigh, softly palming the skin as the head of his cock nudges against your entrance, pushing past the tight ring of muscles and into your heat. With his gaze locked down to where you connect, he sees inch by inch sink into you, finally bottoming out with a shared gasp.
Jungkook leans over you properly now, hand sliding up to lace with yours as the other rests beside your head, just taking a moment to enjoy the feeling of your velvety walls wrapped tightly around his cock. You welcome the stretch, the curve of his length inside you, how he cages you in with his body, eyes full of want staring directly at you, giving your hand a reassuring squeeze because he knows he can’t properly form a sentence right now. 
“Fuck me, please.” With his hips pressed flush against yours, he’s slowly inching back, letting you get used to his size with each thrust. It doesn’t take long before he’s rearing back entirely, thrusting forward with a wet squelch, corner of his lips curling up into a smirk when you moan out his name. Your hand curls around his shoulder, fingers digging into his back to keep yourself steady from the force of his hips. 
Each time the head of his cock would nudge against your bundle of nerves, your nails would sink into his skin, leaving half moon indents that left him groaning in pleasure. Jungkook hadn’t outright told you, but it had become increasingly obvious that he has a slight kink for pain, practically mewling above you as you scratch his back, fucking you with more determination than before. 
“You feel so good,” he rasps, slotting his lips with yours in a messy kiss. The back of your headboard starts to rattle against the wall, bouncing back in time with his hips, and it brings you back to the filthy thoughts you had before. How often you’d hear the same sounds on the opposite side, mixing in with the sharpness of skin connecting together, and you want it. So badly.
“J-jungkook,” you breathe out, letting him pepper more kisses onto you, hips never slowing down. “Can you do something for me?” The tone you use, coated in sugar so sweet he couldn’t say no even if he wanted to.
“Anything.”
It’s hard to concentrate on anything else while his cock continues to fuck into you, turning your mind into mush each time he sunk all the way in. He can see the way you try to focus, eyes falling shut with the cutest pout on your kiss swollen lips, finally grabbing onto the reigns of your mind as you spit it out. “Wanna feel you—fuck—spank me, please.”
Only then do his hips slow down, cock throbbing inside of you, fighting the urge to cum before fulfilling your request. The only confirmation that he was agreeing, wholeheartedly, comes when he pulls out of you, moving too quickly for you to protest at the loss of contact. The room spins for a second as his hands grip onto your hips and flip you over with ease, palms gripping the globes of your ass and softly patting them with a chuckle.
“Of course baby,” he murmurs, hooking his arm underneath your stomach to haul you up onto your knees, allowing you to steady yourself before he’s sliding into you once again. The change in position has you keening, his cock sinking deeper than before, the wetness dripping out of you helping him maintain the earlier pace he had. Your hands fist the sheets beneath you, back arching in ecstasy as he hits your g-spot with precision, a tiny shriek of his name making him smile.
Jungkook keeps you on edge, strong hands gripping the skin of your hips tightly, mouth dropping open while he pants at the way you pulse around his cock, leaving it coated in your slick. His hand slides down to your ass, a gentle touch being your only warning before he’s pulling his hand back and delivering a swift slap to your skin. Your reaction is immediate, an unrestrained moan sounding like music to his ears. The sharp sting spreads directly to your core, your head bowing forward as you mentally beg him for more, your wish being granted seconds later when he repeats it on the other side.
If the wet sounds of his cock fucking you weren’t filthy enough, the added slap of his palm across your ass definitely topped it off. Jungkook had never seen you so needy, thighs coated in your arousal, gushing around him each time he spanked you until you were creaming his cock. The greedy way your walls suck him in, wanting him closer, deeper than ever, left him mesmerized. 
His hand soothes the dull throb on your skin, a trembling breath reaching his ears as he leans over your back, lips kissing up your spine up until reaching your shoulder. Hot pants of breath hit your skin, making you shiver as his lips trail along the edge of your ear. “Feel good?”
“Y-yes,” you mewl, voice trembling from the pleasure, rutting your hips in time with his. 
Jungkook’s way of love was a breath of fresh air for you, rough enough to exhilarate you, the force of his hips leaving you scrambling for purchase to prevent you from face planting onto the sheets, gripping onto your hair and tugging it back with enough force to make your body tingle. But it was intertwined with adoration, sweet praise whispered into your ear, lacing his fingers with yours to let you feel secure.
“You’re never getting rid of me baby,” he groans out. The low rasp in his voice makes you tremble, neck straining from his grip in your hair but the burn feels too good to pull away. His small confession has your heart skipping, eyes slipping shut to bask in the overwhelming feeling surrounding you.
“Good,” you manage to pant, “would never dream of it.” After four years of friendship, the beginning stages of getting to know each other, figuring out the right ways to flow with your different personalities, it's all out of the way now, so it’s incredibly easy for you to picture a steady future with him. The breakfast gossiping, shameless club outings, chaotic game nights with snacks thrown at each other, you want everything you already have with him and more. What you have, so rooted in sincerity, built off mutual respect for each other, blossoming into love so pure, you can’t imagine having this with anyone else.
“Y/N,” he gasps, the pulsing of your walls bringing him closer to his climax. “I’m close.”
You can only hum in agreement, burying your face into your pillow when he releases the grip he has in your hair, nipples rubbing against the sheets in time with his thrusts, the sensitivity sending sparks throughout you. Both his hands grip your hips again, dimpling the skin as he quickens his pace, the tantalizing roll of his hips intent to send you over before him. His eyes trail over the curve of your back, how you arch it further to feel more of him, sliding down to your ass, seeing the way it bounces back with each snap of his hips, how you weakly rut back onto him, pussy clamping around his length as your orgasm approached. 
Jungkook slides his hand around you, trailing across your tummy before slipping between your thighs to the spot you needed him most. Even with your face buried in the sheets, the moan you let out is loud enough for Jungkook to hear perfectly, body shuddering as he flicks across your clit in tight circles.  
“Kook, I’m cumming—fuck,” you shout out, white heat enveloping your body as you get sent over the edge. Your mind blanks for a minute, the intensity of your orgasm crashing over you so suddenly, making your limbs tense up while every nerve ending lights up. The only thing you can think of is him, chanting out your name while you pulse around him, sweet words coaxing you through your high, thumb rubbing along the skin of your hips as he never slows his pace. 
As he fucks you through it, groaning out at how tight your walls are around him, you have to turn your head to gasp in a breath, face feeling hot from it all. You can feel how sweaty your skin has become, the back of your neck feeling sticky as your turn to get a glimpse of him, body still shuddering from the aftershocks. 
Jungkook doesn’t have a care for his own volume now, moaning unabashedly as he pistons his hips into you with less grace than before. The soft mewls of overstimulation you let out just bring him closer to his release, thrusts getting sloppier as the pleasure takes over him. 
“Fuck, baby-” he grunts out, mouth dropping open as he moans even louder, finally falling apart. He pushes further into you, head falling forward as his hips press flushed against your ass, warm spurts of his cum filling you up in a way that fulfills your dirtiest fantasies. A few more shallow thrusts has the two of you gasping, hearts pounding in your chests, coming down slowly as he finally stills.
A serene silence falls over you, the movie long turned off in the background, only the low glow of the television letting you know it was still on. With great hesitation, Jungkook finally pulls out of you, gulping when he sees the thick globs of cum spill from your core, dripping down your thighs before landing on the sheets in a sinful mess. Your sheets are well and truly ruined, Jungkook would honestly suggest tossing them in the trash judging by the damp spot directly beneath you.
With a small groan, you’re flopping fully onto your stomach, thighs no longer able to keep yourself up, the exhaustion creeping up on you. Jungkook chuckles when he hears you, soothing your back with a gentle massage. “You’re not sleeping in here babe.”
“Why not,” you slur, cheek pressed against your pillow, eyes already shut. All you wanted to do was lay here, preferably with his arms wrapped around you, but Jungkook clearly has other plans. 
“Because it’s disgusting,” he laughs, giving you a few more seconds of rest before he’s moving around. The dip in the bed lets you know he’s gotten off, one eye peeking open to search for him, seeing him gathering his belongings from the floor.
“Where are you going?”
He shimmies back into his clothes with a grimace, gathering your own items before approaching you once more. “We are going next door and sleeping in my totally clean bed, c’mon.”
You only put up a fight for a second, secretly enjoying the way he helps you get dressed in your earlier clothes, heart swelling in your chest at how domestic it all feels. The mess in your room would have to be dealt with another day, the only important item being the ice cream that finds its way back into the freezer as you both head out of your apartment and swiftly enter his next door.
He’s just as delicate and careful in the shower, taking turns cleaning each other, large hands gripping your ass and giggling like a child when you wince at the small throb of pain you feel. Soft kisses are shared under the showerhead, warm water soothing your body as the room fogs up, sweet confessions scribbled on the glass in his messy writing, topped off with a heart. Jungkook stops you before you can wipe it away, shyly telling you that he’d like to see it reappear the next time he showers.
His bedroom was one you weren’t too familiar with, used to lounging in his living room the most, so as he settles into his bed after getting cozy in his pajamas, you wait for him to call you over before joining him. The coolness of his sheets has you sighing, snuggling into his side with a smile on your lips, one that Jungkook sees as he stares down at you before pressing a kiss to your forehead. Seeing you draped in his clothes, cuddled up beside him in a way you’ve never done before, makes him feel like a giddy teenager. 
“Can I be honest?” he wonders, arm wrapping around you to pull you even closer to him. When you hum in confirmation, he laughs sheepishly. “I thought you were going to friendship dump me today.”
“What, why?”
Your head bobs up as he shrugs his shoulders. “The way you were acting reminded me of the last time you told me you wanted to focus on your relationship. I was just scared I was going to lose you again.”
The tone he uses makes your heart ache, the same guilt you felt these past few days coming back when you put yourself in his shoes. You had no idea that the way you were acting would affect him this way, never once imagining that he thought you would cut off this friendship while you were just coming to terms with the fact that you harbored strong feelings for him. 
“Jungkook, I’m sorry,” you sigh, palm resting on his chest, feeling each beat of his heart, no longer racing like before, confident and steady in it’s pace because he knows you’re not going anywhere. “I’m stupid, and freaked out after what I did, and just needed to gather my thoughts before saying anything.”
He cranes his head away from you, a confused look on his face. “After what you did? What did you do?”
Fuck.
“Uhm,” you start with a strained laugh, refusing to look up at him out of embarrassment, but the truth has to come out so you power through it.  “So, the night of the date, I sort of got home earlier than I told you I did.”
His eyes narrow at you, refusing to give anything away before he knew where this was going. “Okay, go on.”
“And I sort of heard you through the walls.” You look up at him now, your guilty stare spelling it out for him. His eyes widen before he can conceal his surprise, cheeks warming up instantly because oh boy, he knew exactly where this was going. “And then, I sort of...joined.”
“You lied to me!” he shouts, shocked smile on his face as he recalls the way you had replied to his texts, telling him you had just gotten home and going the extra mile to say you were in a totally different room when in reality, you were sprawled out in your bed after just getting off to the sound of him.
Filthy. And also kind of hot. Jungkook was definitely into that, something he’ll totally proposition you into doing again because why not.  
“I know! I couldn’t help it, it was so hot, and I felt so guilty. But, you’re technically the reason why my orgasm gave me my epiphany and let me realize I really do like you. So, I think I did us both a favor by being a dirty liar.” He’s laughing instantly, fingers gripping your cheeks to turn your head up, planting a firm kiss onto your lips obnoxiously.
“Alright, you’re forgiven. Plus, consider us even because I have definitely heard you getting off on your own plenty of times too.” A squeal of surprise fills the air as you swat at his chest, burying your face into his shirt and feeling the rumble of his laughter. It really wasn’t ever intentional. The walls are thin, you weren’t exactly quiet, and he couldn’t just lay there and ignore it. So call him an opportunist, or a pervert, because you were one too. 
Jungkook is cheeky though, knowing how to get under your skin in the best way, and you can already tell you’re in for a ride when he gets close to your ear and whispers, “You wanna show me how you did it?”
“Wouldn’t you like to know,” you snort, peering up at him with mischief in your eyes.
“You did say I could torture you later.” He smiles innocently, fingers pinching your chin as he kisses you again. “It’s later.”
The sweet laughter that escapes you makes his heart skip a beat, still not able to come to terms that this was happening and wasn’t some dream of his that he’d wake up from. He kisses the tops of your cheeks first, then your nose, before reaching your lips, his hand gently caressing your skin. Jungkook had no intention of torturing you tonight, knowing how tired you typically were after work on a normal day, and after drawing two orgasms out of you that left you shaking, he knows how close you are to sleep with the way your eyes droop. 
“Aren’t you glad you didn’t give up on crushes and love?” he mumbles against your lips, inching back to stare down at you. 
“I’m glad I stopped looking for it in the wrong places.” Your hands wrap around his neck, toying with his hair before pulling him back to you, reattaching your lips because you just couldn’t seem to get enough of him. 
Every single moment you shared, from moving in and awkwardly trying to get to know each other, the ups and downs of failed relationships, the push that started it all at the club, and every almost moment in between brought you full circle to right now. There probably won’t be a moment where you don’t wish you had done this sooner, worked past your worry of ruining a good friendship in fear of what could happen, but the past helped mold you into who you are, strengthening your relationship to be the way it is now.
Right now had you thinking of the future, and there was nothing more exciting than that.
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wonlouvre · 3 years
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more for forever | k. mg.
pairing: editor-in-chief mingyu x female reader genre: fluff, a little bit of angst, cliché (in the sense that mingyu is rich and likes to spoil his girlfriend) warnings: mentions of insecurity, food word count: 2.8k
💌: this is just pure indulgence and i really hope you all like this! please wait for wonwoo because i have something in store for him too ;) again, this is cliché please forgive me. please tell me what you think about it hehe i love reading your comments, feedbacks and tags! also a big thank you to @minkwans​ for sharing their ideas and giving this oneshot life! <3
The name Kim Mingyu didn’t ring a bell before. Not until his executive assistant reached out to you because apparently, the photographer slash writer read one of your blog posts and wanted you to take part for their sixth year anniversary issue. You know the famous magazine and publishing company, which is why you thought it was a scam or a ploy to steal your money. It’s a stupid assumption but you can’t blame your mind imagining the worse because you are not a fashion blogger at all. Why would a fashion magazine want you to write an article for them?
Sure, you regularly write and post blog entries on your website. But you write about your dog, your recently bought tea coaster and sometimes your skincare routine. Okay, maybe your occasional outfit of the day as well but nothing in detail. Again, why do they want you to write for them?
Kim Mingyu answered your questions and uncertainties when he personally emailed his contact details to you. You didn’t have to bite, but it didn’t hurt to confirm at the same time. You dialed the number and he indeed proved you wrong. He invited you for a meeting at his office and you accepted. 
Your visits to high-rise buildings, much more to the luxurious office of an executive, is rare to never. You were jaw slacked when your eyes took in the crisp architecture. The design, the furniture, the color, the everything was beyond what you could have imagined a publishing company’s headquarters could be. 
The meeting was nothing but short of an interview. He asked about your blog (which does not even have its own domain by the way), he asked what else you write about, he asked about your desk job (which doesn’t pay much but enough for you to get by), he asked if you have any background about fashion and one last question about your dog, Max, before talking about his proposal. 
To be honest, Mingyu’s offer was tempting. For one article, the commission would be enough for you to move out of your current apartment and move to a brand new and fully-furnished one. But you remained true to yourself and without thinking twice, you declined. 
You can tell that the editor-in-chief and his assistant, who stood beside him all throughout, was surprised by the looks on their faces. But Mingyu respected your decision and didn’t pursue any further. You took your stand from the chair and sincerely thanked him for the time and opportunity. You thought that would be it but when he followed suit with your actions and reached his hand out, it was your turn to be surprised. 
You didn’t hesitate to mirror him and shake his hand, firmly. After that, you’d figure that it’s the end and that you’ll probably get to see a glimpse of him only through your television or phone. But Mingyu proved you wrong once again when he sent an unexpected email three days later asking why.
What might be the reason why you didn’t accept his offer? 
You believed he deserved an explanation of your personal reasons so you disclosed them. And just like that the conversation on that email thread naturally progressed and eventually deepened. The professional emails became casual text messages, the text messages became phone calls, and the phone calls became actual face to face dates at late hours of the evening because he usually clocks out at 9 o’clock. 
The rest, as they say, was in the hands of history. 
Your first date with Mingyu was particularly odd. It was at a traditional Korean restaurant owned by one of his friends who introduced himself as Angel even though his real name is Jeonghan. You didn’t question him or anyone else why because that’s none of your business. But back to the date. It was odd because you have never been to a restaurant that’s completely empty and dead silent before (aside of course, from the typical music played in the background). You asked Mingyu if such an occurrence is normal and he just plainly answered that he rented the whole place all to yourselves. You have always known he’s rich. However, you didn’t believe that booking the whole restaurant was necessary.  
Nonetheless, that first date, in some way, was special for you because there were no distractions. You enjoyed his company and you can tell he enjoyed yours too because he’s quick to mention a second date and it didn’t take a heartbeat for you to say yes. 
But, by far, Mingyu inviting you to the behind the scenes of the making of the sixth anniversary issue that you turned down writing for is one of the most memorable dates the two of you had. It was out of the blue and you two were having difficulty in syncing your schedules. He was beginning to get busier and busier as the anniversary neared and the only way he could think of still making time for you is inviting you to his office. He called you and asked if you’re free to have lunch together. And you, being attracted to the handsome and tall man, didn’t hesitate to say yes. 
He was in the middle of ending his morning meeting when you arrived and you were almost caught off-guard when all eyes were suddenly on you, making you feel small. But Mingyu didn't care as his smile beamed, immediately standing up from his chair to walk towards you. The rest of his staff were still in the midst of walking out of his office when he grasped your hand to pull you inside and you have never felt so shy your whole life.
Since then, he made you tag along to the creative process and you witnessed how hands on he was with every article, every photo, every brand, every trend and every detail that goes to the magazine that he has built and loved with his blood, sweat and tears. He’s beyond dedicated in finding and doing what’s best for the magazine and most importantly, its loyal readers. 
You can tell that he really is deserving of everything that he has and is still receiving.
Mingyu being perfect also applies to your relationship. He’s always present despite being booked with fittings, meetings, photoshoots and business travels twenty-nine days of the month. He never fails to call, never fails to answer your calls. He never fails to offer the warmest hugs and the softest kisses. Well, he fails to be on time during your dates sometimes but he never once stood you up and his cuddles when he sleeps over are enough to apologize for the lost time.
The only flaw he has is that he doesn’t know how to take no for an answer. Most especially at times where he wants to shower his love in ways that cost more than your paycheck in a year.
Here are some examples:
You know that Mingyu pays attention to every word you say. Even if you just mentioned a passing topic, he will do his best to keep those in mind. With that being said, you mentioned once that you want to renovate the extra bedroom of your apartment and turn it into a study where you could work someday. Your boyfriend, being the rich man he is, offered to hire and pay a team that could help you bring the design you envisioned into life. 
That was during the first few months of your relationship and you were flabbergasted by how easy it was for him to do or much less say. Needless to say, you immediately turned him down and he respected that (but of course, he pouted about it like a child all throughout the day). 
But wait, there’s more. 
Do you remember how you mentioned that Mingyu travels frequently? Yes? Well, Mingyu always books an extra ticket for you just in case you want to join him. Sometimes it’s not even about the flight ticket anymore. It’s about him stopping by your apartment to pick you up unexpectedly as if France is only a drive away. 
It’s unbelievable, really. That’s why you always close the door on his face. But of course, you don’t forget to give him a long kiss and “stay safe” or “I’ll miss you” farewell. Mingyu, ever the good boy he is, lets you win and just return your kisses a little longer for the days he won’t be able to do so. 
Mingyu’s intentions are pure and you’re well aware that the man that you love is only doing this because it’s simple, he loves you. He wants what’s best for you, he wants to give you what you deserve. You can never blame him for being out of touch from reality at times, but you can learn and grow with him. Although of course, he still needs a scolding and a wake up call every now and then. 
Anything else? Yes.
You didn’t take into consideration that he’d remember, but one night while the two of you were about to fall asleep, you sleepily mumbled about your dreams of attending graduate school. It was a mere whisper in the late night against his chest and you even thought that he wouldn’t hear you at all because his eyes were already closed. You honestly didn’t expect that he’d send you brochures of different universities who offer various programs the following day. You had to calm him down as he excitedly talked you through it. You even had to shut him up with your lips and explain that you don’t have the time to study at the moment with your current job. He tried to encourage you with praises and admiration of your dedication, skills and knowledge. But no, you didn’t buy it and that’s the end of discussion. 
The gifts, however, are something that Mingyu is not giving up on. The first few instances he gave you gifts whether it be a high-end handbag, shoes, clothing, and even jewelry, you allowed him. Because there were only a few. But along the way, the gifts got bigger and more frequent. You had to sit him down to set limitations. It was a long conversation of him trying to get the upper hand. But you didn’t let him outsmart you with his hugs and kisses. It was either he was going to tone it down with the gifts or no gifts at all. 
Sometimes, as much as you hate to admit it to yourself, you can’t avoid getting insecure and afraid that the euphoric time you share with Mingyu is not meant to last. At some point, the fact that he's one of the youngest successful editor-in-chiefs of a multi-million earning magazine got overwhelming. You can’t help but feel that you’re no match for him. And again, you hate that your mind gets clouded with ideas that you’re just a charity case he enjoys spending his money on. Of course, you believe that he doesn’t look at you in that way.
It’s you who thinks so. 
“Hey.”
You release the bite on your bottom lip at the sound of your boyfriend’s voice. Your lost eyes shoot to the stove where he’s cooking and you notice that he’s about done so you should set the table. 
You didn’t even answer Mingyu’s call which concerns him. He wipes the sauce off his hands on the apron he’s wearing and holds your waist before you could even round the corner to the cabinets. 
His warmth snaps you out of your thoughts. Your eyes blink up to him and he just raises his eyebrows at you. 
“Is there something wrong?” He asks and lowers the heat of the conduction. 
“Nothing, nothing,” you lie, shaking your head, “Let me get the plates. I’m quite hungry.”
You try escaping his strong arms and gaze, but he doesn’t let you go. Instead, he wraps his arms around your waist tighter. Your palms automatically land on his chest and the lean muscles make you gulp. 
“I’m going to ask again and this time, I want you to tell me the truth,” he says in a serious yet gentle tone. “What’s wrong?”
You sigh and lean your forehead against his chest. Mingyu also sighs and kisses the top of your head. It’s better to tell him now because you’re not going to get anywhere if you’re just going to keep it to yourself. It will be unfair for him too and that’s not what you want. 
“I just don’t feel so good about myself over the past few days,” you finally voice out. You sound weak, but Mingyu can hear you loud and clear. “I feel like I don’t deserve you.”
Mingyu had to pull away and hold your shoulders to search your eyes, his frown showing disbelief and sadness both at the same time. “Did I do or say something to make you feel this way?”
“No, no,” you quickly say and hold his cheeks. “You did absolutely nothing. It’s just all in my head.”
Mingyu becomes silent and you wish you could just drop it because the regret and embarrassment is slowly dawning upon you. You wish you didn’t bring it up anymore because why would you burden him with your problems? 
But Mingyu proves you wrong once again by holding your hand and carefully tugging you to sit on the dining table, saying softly, “Come on. Let’s talk about it.”
And talk you did. You let out your concerns, worries, fears and insecurities. You bore it all without hiding or masking anything. A tear or two slipped once or twice and some words were interrupted by your hiccups, but Mingyu was patient. He listened and held your hand, promising you that it’s okay. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to be scared. It’s okay to be worried. It’s okay to be vulnerable in front of him. It’s okay to trust him because he loves you. 
Mingyu loves you and his words and actions assure you that it’s okay to love him too. 
When there were no more words left to say, the two of you shared a comfortable silence. The weight on your shoulders and the sick feeling in your stomach immediately vanished and you have never felt so relieved. You have never felt so free and loved. You can’t believe that Kim Mingyu is real. 
“I know that this is unwarranted,” Mingyu breaks the silence after a while, “but I want you to know that I don’t think of you in any of those ways. To me, you’re the person I love and I am happy with regardless of our different upbringings, different jobs. Those don’t matter to the time and love we share together.”
“I know,” you affirm and kiss his cheek. 
Mingyu nods and smiles against the palm of your hand when a memory suddenly pops in his mind. “I’m not sure if I have told you this already. But the blog entry of yours that caught my attention is about your first ever blog post.”
Your eyes widen at his confession. You have never heard of this before. “You mean the one where I talked about why I love writing so much?”
Your boyfriend smiles and nods. “That one.”
“Gosh. That’s so embarrassing,” you groan and palm your face. 
“What do you mean embarrassing?” He argues, taking your hand to hold again. “That post was one of the most genuine posts that I have ever read. You explained, word by word, your passion, love and dedication to writing in the most honest way possible. Who wouldn’t be moved?”
You pout and unbeknownst to you, that makes his heart squeeze in adoration. 
“It’s not that special,” you mumble, eyes on your intertwined hands. 
“It is to me though.”
Mingyu’s eyes are dreamy and glossy as you meet them again and you could never be more in love. He holds your arms, coaxing you to stand up to straddle his lap. You giggle when he protectively wraps his arms around your waist. His nose scrunches when it grazes yours, but upon meeting his lips you feel it exhale a breath of relief.
You kissed and kissed and kissed. But when Max barks at the two of you, reminding you of the dinner you’re supposed to eat and share with him, the two of you burst into laughter before reluctantly detaching from each other. 
“You doting over me with material things is a perk,” you humor him and he gives you his signature giggle. “But, I wouldn’t trade sharing the same bed, cooking meals or taking care of Max together over any of those.” 
Mingyu nods gives you one last yet long kiss, a promise that there’s more for later. 
More for forever. 
---
a/n 2: this was supposed to be the header/poster of this story but it was too big lol
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studiojeon · 3 years
Text
bitterness in goodbye | jjk
this is part of my troubled outsiders series. sadly, you can't read this as a stand alone (meaning: feel free to check the previous parts ♡)
| summary | - You can’t help but feel a little sad when Jungkook doesn’t refrain from cuddling your arm after pleading to forgive him. You wish you could cuddle him instead, that he would lay his head on your chest as you play with his soft hair, but you recognize there are some things you just can’t have.
warnings: none (?) i mean chaeryeong insults jungkook which is an atrocity in itself but-
contents: we diving into the angst my friends. jungkook is an innocent, kind hearted soul, i promise. oc's got the feels (out oct. 1) for jk. idol!jungkook × student!reader.
author's note: I EDITTED THIS FROM MY PHONE DO YOU UNDERSTAND HOW FUCKING ANNOYING THAT IS? also, thank u for the amount of support i've been receiving lately, i appreciate everyone lots. feel free to ask away or suggest anything btw, i would love to write for any prompts you guys come up with. 💞💗💖💘💓💕
words: 1.57k
playlist: honey by halsey
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Four weeks later, the receptionist of your apartment complex hands you over a cardboard box with the hoodie Jungkook and you had talked about that day on the Han River. Jungkook kept pestering you to please please please send him your address for confidential purposes, which you knew had to do with his determination to literally provide anything that catches your eye right away. You assumed it was a sensitive topic for the boy whether people had purposefully taken advantage of his money before, so you didn’t dare to say anything when the man asked you for your size literally two hours after he dropped you off, scared to either reject his solidare intentions or piss him off for bringing unwanted memories back. In  your defense, your personality type keeps oscillating between INFP and INFJ so it’s only natural that you take extra care to make sure those around you have as much peace of mind as possible in your presence. 
As pretty and comfortable the piece of soft clothing is, an important factor is missing, something that you can’t recreate buying two of the same size and color, and that is Jungkook's escence and how good it looks on him in comparison to anyone else in the world. Meaning, you didn’t like it as much as you thought initially would. And it absolutely did not have to do with the fact that your short stature made you look like a toddler who stole their dad’s jacket.
Still, in order to show Jungkook how much you appreciate his gift, you bring it to work the next day, and the rest of the days after that, with the excuse that with winter rolling around you needed something to keep you warm in the office. Jungkook doesn’t miss the opportunity to confirm your assumptions regarding your appearance whenever he barges into your office randomly throughout the week, arguing that ”you look so adorable” and doesn’t stop for two weeks more, until he gets used to seeing you wearing something you shared with him. Which doesn’t help ease your growing romantic feelings for him whatsoever.
Because yeah, you liked Jeon Jungkook, just like every human being with eyes and sexual desires, except, you didn’t just like him in a superficial way, and that’s where the problem with him resides. Though you are sure everyone has fallen in love with the endearing boy at some point - especially the excluded and invalidated women of society - you can’t help but place some blame on you for allowing yourself to be swooned so goddamn easily. Your mom had said to you at some point to be wary of the way some men would talk to you when you grew up, their intention usually being getting inside your pants, which has happened to you more times than you'd like to admit. And with the argument that she knew you better than anyone, she claimed you would comply right the second someone talked sweet to you; you despised the fact that was the case with Jungkook (and Jungkook only), although he had never shown any sexual innuendos. What your feelings could do to your relationship with Jungkook and your rather chill lifestyle scared you to death, shiver me timbers and all that shit, having romantic feelings for someone else is embarrassing, especially when your chance with them has been scratched out the second you laid eyes on them.
Jungkook sits on your couch, legs spread on your thighs as you two pretend to watch some series on netflix. “I don’t buy for a second the act you’re putting on right now.” he speaks randomly after staring at your deep-in-thought state for a few minutes and laughs when you snap at him for not letting you overthink in peace. “What’s going on?”
Truth is, you don’t fucking know. A few hours before he arrived at your place (you had to pick him up at the dorm and sneak the both of you through the subterranean parking lot, because god forbid someone saw Jungkook arriving at some chick’s dorm on a saturday afternoon) you swore you would be able to conceal whatever emotional turmoil you had going inside of you without compromising your regular behaviour around the man, but when push comes to shove, it’s impossible to keep yourself from wondering how far you could go before that special someone found out what was going on inside of your head.
Jungkook’s phone rings in his pocket with some annoying tone he had downloaded illegally from youtube the same day the company had handed over the device as a gift for him (you still were a little bitter over how they neglected the rest of the staff but you also knew it was kind of impossible for the human kind to just gift a-thousand-dollar-phones to almost five hundred people out of solidarity). “Hyung?” he picks up, still wary of your unusual behaviour, concerned eyes looking at you. “No, uh- i’m with Yugyeom right now.” and your heart shatters into a million pieces.
You have been suspecting for a while that Jungkook is being hesitant to introduce you to his social circle. Although, you’ve tried your best not to take it personal, it is getting harder to resist the urge to ask him what the fuck is up with that. The fact that Jungkook had to lie about the person he was hanging out with broke your ego; he could’ve just said he was with a friend, right? You suddenly feel like you’re fifteen again, when the guy you liked would love you in the dark but pretend he didn’t know you in the light. 
Holding your tears back, you gently push him off and make your way towards the bathroom in the most nonchalant way you could. This is your fault for falling for the nice popular guy in the first place, you remind the reflection staring back at you. Still, as bad as it hurt, there was no way you were going to cry over a stupid boy, let alone when he was literally sat on the next room. He can go fuck himself if he thinks he can just toss this behind as if nothing ever happened.
You text Chaeryeong instead.
“chaery bom bom: i swear to god i gonna throw hands the next time i see the bitch.
chaery bom bom: like who the hell does he think he is? fucking squidward looking asshole.
chaery bom bom: he ain’t even that cute bub, you’ll get over him. i know jinyoung wouldn’t treat you like this”
You sigh. Chaeryeong has been enamored with the idea of you and his former company colleague from GOT7 since the day she met the guy (which was somewhere around ten years ago), and although he was all that, you didn’t like his quiet and cold aura, it intimidated the fuck out of you (Jungkook was the entire opposite of that).
You spray on some perfume just to have an excuse as to why you randomly ran to the bathroom when Jungkook’s inquiring eyes stare as you sit back on the couch, which is exactly what he does. “You done with your call?” you ask, bitter.
Jungkook frowns, a bit taken aback by the sudden question but still unaware of the way his words had made you feel, not even sensing the hostile change in your mood. “Yes, it was one of our managers. He was wondering if I could come back to reshoot some...-thing.”
Okay, now you kind of understand as to why he lied in the first place and to say you feel guilty is an understatement. “I supposed he backed down once you mentioned you were hanging out with Yugyeom.” playfulness makes its appearance on your tone and Jungkook rolls his eyes at you, tongue poking on the inside of his slightly red cheeks.
“Sorry for that” he moves closer and cuddles your arm, like a sad guilty puppy. “It’s just- I don’t want them asking questions''.
You understand. He is a very reserved and private person after all. It took you a bit to crack him open yourself. Plus, you kind of share that trait with him, you’d hate it too if people were constantly on your nerves for the people you decide to hang out with. 
And that’s all it takes to forgive him. Not very cash money of you.
“You better not pull that shit again, though” you shift in his hold and he looks up at you. One look into your eyes and he knows what you mean. “I’ll kick you out.”
After nodding, Jungkook resumes his concentration on the series you picked out for him. Due to your short attention span, you are very picky about what you invest your time in, especifically with audiovisual pieces of media, so Jungkook trusts you whenever you recommend something on very rare occasions. As a matter of fact, Jungkook was busy attacking your kitchen counters for snacks (which you didn’t have) when you mentioned Money Heist. “Munch on some grapes instead” you suggested to soothe his disappointment.
You can’t help but feel a little sad when Jungkook doesn’t refrain from cuddling your arm after pleading to forgive him. You wish you could cuddle him instead, that he would lay his head on your chest as you play with his soft hair, but you recognize there are some things you just can’t have.
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thornedrose44 · 3 years
Text
Prompt: “I can’t do this. Just leave me alone.”
Read on AO3
"Goodnight, Kara." Lena said from across the room when she finally managed to catch Kara's eye.
It was the first time they had made eye contact since Kara had welcomed her inside at the start of the night. Kara startled at the sudden sight of Lena, waving farewell as she stepped quietly towards the door, but made no move to follow after her and when the door swung quietly shut behind her Lena knew things would never be the same.
It was Kara's birthday party (her Earth birthday party to those that happened to be in the know, which to Lena's un-surprise was a rather considerable group all things considered). Kara had invited her, further proof of the strength of their newly reaffirmed friendship. Lena had been grateful for the invite, appreciating it as the sign that they were back on the right track, and accepted it without hesitation.
She had then proceeded to spend hours upon hours thinking of the perfect gift for Kara, excitement and anticipation building in her stomach.
It would be her first proper night out in months after being thrown back into her role as CEO and dealing with all the negative press following Lex’s downfall and upcoming conviction. Her working hours had reached an excess that she had never achieved before. The blowback onto her in the form of hatred for the Luthors was even greater than last time as well, despite her crucial role in taking Lex down. She was still deemed guilty by association especially since she had been working closely with Lex for a long time before revelations about his villainy became apparent.
The news were critiquing her every move, slandering her every chance they got and rallying the masses to a fervour - she was now facing at least one assassination attempt every week.
Regardless of all that, Lena had one salvation, one light of hope that she clung onto. Her friendship with Kara. It was growing again. They were spending time together. Relearning one another or learning about each for the first time in Lena's case. The conversation was finally less stilted and the trust was back.
But there was still something missing, something stopping them from returning to exactly where they were before.
Lena, as the months ticked by, realised that they were no longer as physically close as they once were. Hugs were rare. Gentle touches of the hands were swiftly snatched back to prevent lingering. Even extended eye contact was fleeting.
Lena at first thought the problem was that she had hurt Kara so badly that the woman who sometimes communicated solely through physical affection no longer wanted to be touched by Lena. That broke something in Lena. That Kara, even though she was trying to be kind, friendly and forgiving to Lena, was not comfortable with any sort of physical contact between them, drove Lena into a drunken stupor of college-level proportions.
Once the alcohol was out of her system and she had suitably recovered from her hangover, Lena had allowed the scientist within her to take over.
No more assumptions.
She would gather evidence, make an hypothesis and work towards a solution.
If she wanted Kara back in her life properly - cuddles on the sofa and lengthy hugs a necessity of that - Lena would put the effort in.
So she observed… and what she observed was this…
Pink cheeks and bashful expressions whenever their gazes met.
A thick swallow and faltering breath whenever their hands brushed.
Deep sighs and fingers digging fleetingly into her back as if on the edge of pulling her closer whenever they embraced.
Dark eyes and teeth biting into a bottom lip whenever Lena stretched or moved her hair away from her neck.
Attraction, affection and interest .
Lena didn’t believe the results of her evidence; she re-ran the tests over and over again trying to work out if she had just interacted with Kara on an odd day, if she just happened to be thinking about something (someone) else at the same time but… it kept happening over and over again.
If it had been anyone else, Lena wouldn’t have doubted what she was seeing but… but.. This was Kara.
Kara, who she had been in love with since she had walked into her office with her cousin.
Kara, who had never picked up on or reacted to her flirts.
Kara, who had broken her heart with lies.
Kara, who meant so much to her.
Kara, who she had only just gotten back.
Was it worth the risk?
Fear had blinded her, of that she had no doubt, but was it keeping her safe from the hurtful truth of Kara not wanting to touch her anymore or from the potential happiness that Kara returned her feelings but was too sweet or shy to put herself in a position that would make Lena uncomfortable.
Lena decided to take a chance - just this once because even if she was wrong about Kara not feeling the same, she had to believe that Kara was incapable of being cruel to her if she misread it. They promised each other honesty and Lena intended to show it.
It was why she needed to buy the perfect present, something that hinted that Kara’s feelings (if Lena was right) were returned. And just a week before the party, she knew exactly what the perfect present would be.
She wrapped it personally (normally Jess would wrap any gifts she had to send out), wanting to go the extra mile. It wasn’t perfectly done, a bit messy in places and the sellotape was excessive but she had done it herself which she knew Kara would appreciate more than professional gift wrapping.
Lena, however, realised that she had made a mistake the second she arrived at Kara's.
Knew she had misread… everything …
Because Kara… Kara couldn't stand to be near her for longer than it took to say hello, accept the present and then disappear off.
Lena hadn’t expected to be with Kara for all of the party; it was Kara's party and loads of her friends were in attendance, all of whom wanted to spend it with Kara. Who wouldn't?
It's just… Lena…
Lena didn't have anyone else.
It was made abundantly clear to Lena within the first thirty seconds that she was not welcome. Alex gave her a gruff nod from across the room before turning her back to her - she still didn't trust her and Lena had prioritised winning Kara back over the last few months above everything else. Brainy and Nia smiled at her but they were deep in conversation with CatCo employees all of whom were practically snarling at Lena (clearly not Luthor fans). James was here as well and dear God did he give her such a blazing look of hatred Lena was surprised she didn't burst into flames under its ferocity. (They hadn’t dated in this rewritten universe, much to Lena’s pleasure, though his original dislike for her was clearly a mainstay of every universe).
So… Lena grabbed a drink and stood in the corner as Kara moved seamlessly between her various groups of friends and colleagues, never once sparing Lena even a glance. The majority of her movements were accompanied by William Dey, who repeatedly tried to sling an arm around Kara's shoulder - the only joy Lena got from the evening was watching Kara repeatedly squirm out from under his touch.
She held out for two hours, sipping three beers and glancing intermittently at her phone as she stayed in her corner, hoping that Kara would come over for just five minutes.
Five minutes with Kara wasn't too much to ask for, was it?
Five mere minutes with Kara would have made the whole night worth it, made the glares and malevolent whispers sent her way worth it.
It was at the two hour mark that Lena accepted the truth.
Kara wasn't going to come over to talk to her.
Kara hadn't been pulling away from her due to a sudden realisation of feelings and attraction.
Kara hadn't expected her to accept the invite. Hadn't wanted her to accept.
Kara was ashamed of her, that was why she pulled away, why she didn't acknowledge her.
Lena couldn't really blame her but that didn't mean she had to stay and take it. So gathering what was left of her dignity, she shuffled towards the door, caught Kara's eye, waved and slipped outside… though, not before retrieving the present she had brought for Kara… it would have revealed far too much and Lena didn't need to deal with that on top of everything else.
Lena returned to her office for no other reason that she still had some good liquor stored there - Kara had encouraged her a couple of months ago to cut back on her drinking and she couldn’t deny the baby blue puppy dog eyes. She staggered into her office, chucking the present she had spent hours creating onto the sofa - she would buy Kara some random meaningless gift like a nice scarf or jumper tomorrow instead - and poured herself a full tumbler before flipping open her laptop and getting to work. She lost herself in designs and business plans as she made her way through the bottle.
She used to sit and brood when she drank but Sam had made her promise she wouldn’t do that anymore, hazel eyes filled with concern at where Lena’s mind wandered when unoccupied and fuelled by alcohol. Whilst Lena was in a pretty bleak space, she refused to hurt her last (and only) friend by breaking the one promise she had made to her.
It must have been two am when Lena heard a familiar thud from the balcony followed by a gentle knock that could only belong to one person.
“Kara, to what do I owe the pleasure?” Lena called out, not bothering to lift her gaze away from her laptop screen - she wasn't sure whether the sight of Kara would evoke tears or fury and she wished to give Kara neither.
“Hey… I just wanted… I was…" Kara stammered out; Lena didn't need to see her to know that she was fidgeting with the edge of her cape as she tiptoed nervously closer. "You know… flying around and saw the light on and figured I would check in on you, see how you were doing…”
“I’m fine. Just working.” Lena replied brusquely taking a sip of her whiskey.
“And drinking…” Kara muttered, her tone more worried than disapproving but Lena took offense regardless.
“Yes. It’s a Saturday night, cut me some slack.” Lena snapped back, defiantly swallowing what was left in her glass before slamming it down onto her desk.
The loud clack as it connected with the surface was followed by a heavy, almost suffocating silence.
“You left early.” Kara whispered into the unnatural stillness, shattering the fraudulent focus Lena had on her computer screen with those three words. Kara didn't sound confused or upset, just painfully neutral as if to emotionally step back from the situation so that she could garner some emotional truth from the CEO instead.
Well, Lena was done with that, done with giving more of herself than Kara wanted so she took a deep, calming breath and allowed her painstakingly crafted mask to slip into place.
“I wasn’t the first to leave.” Lena pointed out calmly, finally turning to look at Kara, certain she could keep her voice and face blank. It was then that she saw how… small Kara looked, which was never a word Lena would have used to describe Kara in full Supergirl regalia in the entire time she had known her. Kara looked defeated and lost, a tremble to her lip and very being that she tried to hide behind a shy smile.
“Well… I didn’t get a chance to talk to you…” Kara replied, ducking her head meekly as she admitted. “I wanted to talk to you.”
Lena pursed her lips at that, “I was there for over two hours, Kara. You could have come over whenever you wanted. It wasn’t like I was occupied.”
“Yeah… what was that about?” Kara laughed, rubbing the back of her neck, trying far too hard to make her tone light as if even the idea of Lena being without company was an entirely absurd concept.
The high-pitch to Kara's laugh and the unfamiliar tension around her eyes revealed to Lena that Kara knew exactly why Lena had been standing all alone that evening.
“I’m a Luthor, Kara." Lena replied sharply, not interested in trying to smooth over the harsh truths like Kara was always so keen to do when it suited her. "No one wanted me there and they all made that very clear.”
“I wanted you there.” Kara replied so soft and earnest that Lena nearly believed her.
“I highly doubt that.” Lena scoffed derisively.
“I did.” Kara insisted, eyes desperate and pleading.
Lena merely shook her head, turning back to face her computer, “If you say so…”
“Lena, I-”
“Kara… I can’t…” Lena muttered, her voice cracking in the exact way she didn’t want it to. “I can’t do this. Just leave me alone.” Lena requested, hating how it verged on begging.
“What?” Kara murmured in shock.
“I can’t just… pretend that I’m not hurt or upset.” Lena confessed, fingers curling into fists on her desk, eyes slamming shut to lock in the tears. “I just need… time to get over it and accept what we are. So until then… please just leave me alone.”
“I hurt you.” Kara repeated, her voice broken and raw .
“Kara, I didn’t…” Lena shook her head angrily, she didn’t want to do this, didn’t want to inflict herself on Kara who had tried so hard to be her friend. “It's your birthday, Kara.” Lena sighed sadly, “You get to spend it anyway you like with whomever you like.”
“I wanted to spend it with you.” Kara breathed, and Lena could hear the sharp inhales between each word that revealed that Kara was crying.
“Kara, you don’t need to…” Lena assured, with a wave of her hand, eyes focused on her lap, “let’s just leave it, okay?”
“No…” Kara gasped, and suddenly Lena felt a trembling hand connect with her own tightly curled fists, “wait… what did you mean ‘get over it’ and ‘accept what we are’?”
Lena sucked in a sharp breath at the question, biting down harshly on her bottom lip.
“Lena?” Kara pressed.
“Fuck it, fine.” Lena snapped, yanking her hands away from Kara’s infinitely soft touch and shoving herself out of her chair before storming away from Kara, desperate for space. “I thought you liked me.”
“I do-” Kara began, taking a tentative step after her.
“No, Kara.” Lena yelled, spinning back to face Kara, with a twisted snarl of total self-loathing. “Liked me.” Lena stressed, before throwing her hands up into the air as it all just boiled out of her, “God, I sound like a teenager. I thought you liked me. I thought you were touching me less because you were attracted to me. But then… I go to your party and you don’t… it was like you were ashamed of me, I sat in that fucking corner for two hours as everyone wished - out loud, I should say - that I would go. I sat in that fucking corner in the hope that you would speak to me for five minutes. For just five minutes. Because that… that would have made it all worth it. But you could barely look at me. And I realised you didn’t - don’t - like me… you’re ashamed of me, but you’re too kind to abandon me. Too noble and generous but even you have your limits. Of course, you didn’t want to spend your birthday talking to me. Of course you didn’t.”
Lena wanted to punch a wall, wanted to down the rest of her whiskey, wanted to do literally anything than be here in this moment watching the horror-struck expression on Kara’s face grow and grow with every word, watch Kara’s body tremble and shake with each harsh sweeping gesture.
“Lena, no… you…” Kara sobbed, striding towards her with fingers twitching at her sides, “you have got the complete wrong end of the stick. Actually, you’re right but also really wrong. And…” Kara swiped aggressively at the tears rolling down her cheeks as she approached Lena, stopping when the raven-haired woman flinched at their sudden closeness. “I screwed up but-”
“No. You don’t need to do this.” Lena cut in, holding a hand up to stop Kara, wanting Kara to know that her guilt was unnecessary and that she could finally be free of Lena.
“Lena, I’m so-”
“You don’t need to apologise.” Lena insisted, taking a deep breath to rein back in her swirl of her emotions. She could do this. She could let Kara go. “You were trying to be kind but you shouldn’t… god, if I make you that miserable, that uncomfortable, you shouldn’t have to force yourself to interact with me.”
“LENA!” Kara bellowed, stamping her foot to the ground and lifting her chin to reveal a determined expression.
Lena blinked in shock at the sudden volume and intensity; falling obediently quiet.
Kara placed her hands on her hips, took a deep breath, looked Lena straight in the eye with earnest, beseeching blue and declared, “I want to kiss you right now because that would be the big sweeping action that would prove to you that I mean what I’m about to say next but… you’ve been drinking… heavily from the looks of things.” Kara shot a displeased pout at the nearly empty bottle of whiskey as if it was all the bottle’s fault for Lena’s current state of inebriation and not the youngest Luthor’s unhealthy coping mechanisms. Kara turned back to face a stunned Lena, with a fond smile, “And I really want our first kiss to be one you remember and one you can fully consent to. So, you’re just going to have to believe me… please, please believe me when I say… I’m in love with you and I fucked up massively tonight. Really, really fucked up.”
“You never swear.” Lena murmured quietly, and it probably wasn’t what she should have been focusing on but her brain was currently stuck like a record scratch unable to fully comprehend what Kara had just told her; and the swear was just the cherry on top of an entire sundae of confusing and out-of-the-blue revelations.
“Which shows how much I believe that I fucked up.” Kara replied with a helpless shrug.
“But-”
“You were the only person I wanted to spend my birthday with.” Kara confessed, “Well, Alex at some point as well. But you mostly. Alex planned the party and I couldn’t…” Kara huffed out a frustrated breath and rolled her eyes, “she did this whole thing and I didn’t want to turn around and say I didn’t want it. That all I really wanted was a quiet night watching films with you because…” Kara sighed, “because then she’d know… To make it more bearable I invited you but there were so many other people, and I will be honest… I don’t even like half of them. Alex, just invited everyone I was friends on facebook with which is not a good barometer of friendship.”
Lena cleared her throat, none of it making sense, “Then why-”
“Did I ignore you?” Kara guessed with a painful wince.
“Yeah…” Lena muttered, wrapping her arms protectively around herself.
“Because… because I knew, or at least I thought I knew, that you hadn’t noticed how I felt about you.” Kara explained inching just that little bit closer towards Lena, attempting to bring them within touching distance of one another. “And I knew it was only a miracle that you hadn’t until now because…” Kara smiled a lopsided, rueful and self-deprecating smile, “Lena, I am not subtle. Not at all. And I knew… I knew if I interacted with you at the party… everyone else would be able to tell in an instant how I felt.”
Lena exhaled slow and deep, arms tightening their hold around herself, “And you didn’t want them knowing you liked me?”
“Love. Not like.” Kara corrected, patient yet firm, “Love. And no, I didn’t.”
Lena nodded once in understanding, letting out a hollow laugh, “I get it. I wouldn’t want anyone to know I loved me either.”
“Lena… no… no… you…” Kara rushed to explain, finally stepping close enough to reach out and place her hands gently on Lena’s curled biceps. Lena couldn’t help how she instinctively shifted closer, wanting to increase contact with Kara after being denied it for so long. “I didn’t want anyone knowing before you.” Kara admitted.
And that… that snapped something back into place for Lena.
Made the doubts screaming inside her head quieten down just enough to think… maybe…
Because… it was being last that had broken them the first time. Being the only one not to know and now…
“I didn’t want Stacy, who used to cheat off me in exams in college to know how I felt about you before you did.” Kara said, thumbs moving back and forth against the bare skin of Lena’s arms causing a swathe of goosebumps to rise like a wave in the wake of Kara’s every touch. “They didn’t deserve that. They didn’t deserve…” Kara’s jaw clenched, eyes darkening as she studied Lena’s face, “I was trying to protect you from them. They said horrible things about you and you should know, the minute after you left, I kicked everyone who so much as looked at you funny out. It was just me, Nia, Brainy and Kelly left… Alex, as well, but we had a rather heated argument before she was allowed to stay.” Kara bowed her head in shame, “I should have kicked them all out immediately but-”
“Then they would have known.” Lena finished for her.
“I had this whole thing planned.” Kara breathed out, her hands gradually shifting away from Lena’s arms around to her back, surrounding Lena in a loose hold, Kara’s eyes flickering over Lena’s face and body rapidly searching for even the slightest sign that Lena was uncomfortable with their contact. “Once everyone left, I had set-up the roof with lights and cushions and… I was going to tell you how I felt. I just had to make it through the birthday party from hell and I was trying so hard to keep to the plan. To not spoil it. To keep it a secret so that it could just be ours but... I…” Kara’s eyes slid shut and she inhaled a shuddering breath filled with pain. “I hurt you. And there is nothing I can say to make you forgive me, but I do… I do love you so much. And I will never, ever be ashamed of you.” Kara blinked her eyes back open and leaned forward to place a kiss on Lena’s forehead. “I just wanted it to be ours and not theirs. I didn’t want to share. You’re the only thing in my life that… I didn’t want to share.”
“Open your present.” Lena demanded, stepping out of Kara’s loving embrace.
“Lena-” Kara whimpered, pained at the sudden loss of closeness.
“Open your present, Kara.” Lena repeated, jerking her chin towards the sofa where the roughly wrapped present lay.
“I… okay…” Kara replied, watching Lena closely as she tried to make sense of Lena’s clear request. Kara walked cautiously over to the couch, picking up the gift with gentle hands. “Did you wrap it yourself?” Kara asked, her entire expression brightening as she stared down at the crooked, over sellotaped wrapping.
Lena harrumphed at the question, pursing her lips.
“You did, didn’t you?” Kara teased.
“The present isn’t the piss poor wrapping.” Lena replied with an exaggerated roll of her eyes that had the corners of Kara’s lips quirking even further upwards.
“Lena Luthor wrapped my present herself…", Kara whistled in awe, blue eyes twinkling with true delight for the first time that day, "what better gift is there?”
“Open it and you might find one.” Lena said, heart leaping into her throat as Kara’s deft fingers found a line of wrapping paper she could tuck them under.
The sound of paper ripping was deafening in the stillness; all Lena could do was watch and wait.
The paper fell away leaving behind a small black box, Kara shot Lena a hesitant look and it wasn’t until Lena nodded for her to continue that Kara clicked it open.
There was a pause.
A heavy, endless pause in which Lena couldn’t bring herself to even breathe.
“What is-” Kara began before cutting off immediately as she lifted up the beautiful bracelet made of nth metal and inscribed with ‘stronger together’ in Lena’s own cursive handwriting in both english and kryptonian.
The bracelet shined under the lights in Lena’s office, but in Lena’s opinion, Kara’s eyes shined impossibly brighter.  
“You’re in love with me.” Kara whispered, seeing the present for everything Lena had hoped it would convey.
“Yes.” Lena confirmed because there was no hiding it now.
With trembling fingers Kara clasped the bracelet onto her wrist, long fingers tracing the words delicately inscribed with no small amount of wonder. Finally, she turned around and stared at Lena with so much sheer love that the youngest Luthor felt overwhelmed and like her heart might burst right out of her chest in its desire to be in Kara’s possession
Clearing her throat and clasping her hands behind her back, Lena gathered her courage and asked, “If I promise you I’ll remember it and that I am fully consenting… will you kiss me now?”
Kara was in front of her in the literal blink of the eye, hands reaching out to cup Lena’s cheeks as Lena’s hands moved to rest on Kara’s hips gently encouraging their bodies closer with a light tug.
“There is nothing I want more.” Kara assured with the widest grin that Lena had ever seen and couldn’t help but return.
Their first kiss could barely count as a kiss.
Their smiles were too wide to allow for it, but Lena wouldn’t change it even slightly. They pressed their smiles against one another, teeth knocking together and noses brushing.
It may not have been a successful kiss but it was tender and filled with so much joy that Lena wouldn’t describe it as anything less than perfect.  
Their second kiss was an actual kiss, lips slotting together, tongues seeking each other out and teeth tugging whimpers and moans from one another in an endless cycle.
Their second kiss turned into a third, a fourth, a fifth.
They kissed until the sun rose.
Kissed until their lips ached and any remaining doubts Lena may have had were pushed back into the shadows by the light of Kara’s smile and blue eyes.
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sokayisaidiot · 3 years
Text
Why Tommy is one of THE BEST written characters in existence.
Alright, that’s it
Here I give you my fuckin Take on why Tommy is one of the best written characters out there and can easily compete with best-selling Novels like Percy Jackson and Harry Potter. I’m sick of a trashing that doesn’t even make sense. So buckle up. Here I will tell you why Tommy has one of the best written characters in history of Books and Movies. Remember, I write this all in my perspective and take many examples of other character books as well
Before this all starts, I will also talk about the main characters of some series, since Tommy has the reputation of being a “main” character.
When I look at the books I’ve read, I see a large range of characters and there way of making the story interesting.
Now, to establish a good character, we need key points of motivations, to make them relatable and bla bla blub:
Personality
Part of the story
Their Powers
Flaws
Relationships
Prized Possessions
History/the backstory
The moral and story the character tells
First tho, I want to explain some words I’m going to use here!
Mary Sue/Gary Stu:
Those are characters who are flawless, have missing chunks of personality and mostly one way written. They are easy to achieve when you are trying to make your character look badass.
Examples in some Fandoms are
·      Rey Skywalker (Star Wars Sequels 7-9)
·      Hermione Granger (Harry Potter Movies)
·      Bella Swan (Twilight)
Tree-System:
Imagine a tree. You plant something small and soon you have something giant with many branches, roots and connections. You have the seed you plant and with caring and care you let it grow. Then you have somewhat a sapling. The tree grows with the care and soon you have a tree with many branches.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Personality
Negative:
Tommy’s personality is very brash and out of control = He’s barely containable in fights, going off to do his own risky plans and starting two or so fights. He can’t forgive a person very easily like Eret, who took it a long time to get forgiveness and Techno, as he shot Tubbo at the Festival. He makes decision that also cost his life like the duel because he hates losing
Tommy can be very lazy, giving the thought he wouldn’t have to do the hard work = Shown when he tries to steal the hearts of seas from Eret or potions from Techno, bargain with “drugs” by Puffy and Ponk or gives other people the work he doesn’t want to do like he did with getting cobblestone
Like a child, he often clings to close people and annoys others for attention = His desperate attempts to have company or someone praising him shows, when he tries to get Philza’s approval (or a pat on the back), constantly looking out, if Tubbo’s either okay or where his is,
He doesn’t like to wait or doing things in the long run = He constantly asks when something is finished, when they could go or in his exile, when he was allowed to go back to L’Manburg
He doesn’t show often his cooled down, scared and vulnerable side = He often overshadows his trauma with a facade of jokes and bad hidden hurt he brings out. When he talks about something bad, he’s clearly confused, not really knowing on how to understand it. Also he runs away from things he can’t control a panic attack like visiting the final control room or looking away from the holes in Logstedshire
He runs without head into a battle so often as possible = Only when they had their final showdown for the disc, Tommy was seen preparing in story, thinking it would be his last fight
---
Positive:
But as he has negative traits, his positive shows to many people clearly.
His unwavering loyalty to the closest of people = His loyalty to Tubbo, Wilbur And L’Manburg are, were and always will be a part of him. He stands against anyone who goes against that, even if it means pain in many ways.
Passionate about dear projects of his = You can see Tommy talking about his discs or see an video where he would spent days getting different discs. Those things are very known to be rare things, so for Tommy to possess it gives him somewhat power. L’Manburg was the same passion, even a bit more, as you can see he was ready to give up his most prized disk. The last and in the moment is his hotel
Bravery like no one makes him as one of the dangerous person on peoples hitlist = He stands up for others. He stood up to L’Manburg. He in the end didn’t care that he lost a life. When he sees a foe, he won’t stand down and submit, he will fight against the oppression and tell them that in the face. During the mission to get a visa, he stood against Schlatt, even if they were clearly in the loose of people and disadvantage. Or getting an apology of Sapnap for killing Niki’s fox. Fighting against 5 people with just one ally while the other is a hostage.
His leadership = There are not many people who can take it up, but Tommy is an exception. He can coordinate people with his loud voice and somewhat thought plans. He is charismatic, even if he’s not so good at it like Wilbur, he still can motivate people to fight for themselves or others. He’s seen to lead others into battle and taking in the fighting part a leading role
Unselfish. That’s one of the most arguable things about Tommy`s character = You can´t look at a kid and say he is selfish because he wants to get something dearly back. Especially Tommy, after he gave the things up, he cared about. But if something is happening again, he will lay it down to do the other thing. As seen by the egg, he had a hard time thinking what to do. He, in a long time, didn’t want to be catalyst for something to happen. Not when he in the moment could have stopped it. So doing this act for himself ones, was a good decisions, since they clearly weren’t ready for war
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Part of the Story
Outside of the story:
Let’s all just get something “straight”. What would Dream SMP without Tommyinnit. Now. Don’t get me wrong. All the creators on the SMP are amazing. They are all wonderful and deserve every bit of Attention and fame they get. But just imagine.
We heard from Tubbo, he was the one, who got him into the SMP. Schlatt and Wilbur came because of a “visit”. Quackity was added because TOMMY said he was bored. And from that, we got somewhat of a tree system. As Tommy was invited and drawn into conflict by Sapnap (shoutout to best boy!), he got more people.
He also has the highest viewership and kind of shortest streams, since he is doing college next to Youtube and Streaming. He can’t give up his high viewers since all of those 200.000 (average) – closing 650.000 People (doing something like a big lore stream in prison or the disc final), choose to watch him.
Also a reminder again, Tommy has his storyline as does everyone else. When we saw Tommy and Techno during the partner up arc doing something with the dogs, they saw the start of the red vines arc BUT said they were on the wrong storyline. Tommy was asked by the eggpire writers if he wanted to be a part of the story and he said yes. Why do you think he nearly says nothing about the egg. He leaves it to the writers. Also, it was said by one of Wilbur’s Character descriptions, that Tommy was okay with others doing something with his character, while Techno was more reluctant with his.
Let me say it again, every creator is awesome and individual! Nobody should be compared to others. But with Tommy coming to the Dream SMP, there really was a change in the game.
Remember, that’s because we also have a BT (before Tommy) and AT (after Tommy) Timestamp in the wiki!
Inside of the story:
Now, with Sapnap, Alyssa, Ponk and Tommy in the first ever big conflict its shown the importance. People assume Tommy is one of the conflict bringers, even though he was dragged in it by having something stolen by Sapnap and then forced to fight with him, to get it back.
The Consequences he’s got where having his discs get stolen. This is what Tommy’s biggest character motivation was the first two seasons. Those discs are known on the server and when you think about gifting something to C!Tommy, it would be a disc.
Techno = Disc Wait
Badboyhalo = Disc Pigstep, Chirp
HBomb = Disc Pigstep, Wait
Tubbo = Stal
LazarBeam = Far
Tommy is a openminded boy who longs for funny little adventures and pranks, since he is just a young person. It’s in his nature.
So why, when he does something, are people looking on him?
Because the things he was and is a part of some of the biggest events. And him being so loud and brave and rash lets him stand out. If you look at the old (hah) Revolution of L’Manburg, who can you hear talking the most and the loudest? Tommy and Dream. They were the most outgoing about the war with Sapnap, Tubbo and Wilbur following. Fundy was more quieter (thankfully he has so much more lore now).
Tommy’s character is known to fall or be dragged head first in almost every conflict. He has connections to who? Mostly everybody. So of course he’s connected big parts to the stories.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Powers
Okay. Every “main” character or character with huge importance to the story has some kind of power. Looking at Dream, who is a “demigod” or Ranboo who I don’t even have to talk about. So what about Tommy?
Well. He doesn’t have any. Tommyinnit is one of the people, we get to have as an “human” character
Hannah = nature “Spirit”
Karl Jacobs = Timetraveller
Antfrost, Technoblade, Ranboo, Fundy = Hybrids
Dream = Something something green blob
Awesamdude, Puffy, Philza, Sapnap, Eret, Schlatt = Adding Features (wings, eyes, body parts)
Badboyhalo, Skeppy = completely different species apparently
Tommy has, as we know of the moment, a not confirmed power. The assumptions of the egg are not clear, since we haven’t seen those interact in a while. All we know is, Tommy didn’t get hurt, destroying a part and not feeling anything, while being in contact. That in canon considered.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Flaws
As talked before in personality and also in an assumption, we see the pattern of loyalty and brashness repeating.
Flaws are the most important parts of a character. It shows the struggle of their adventure and learning how to live with it.
Percy Jackson learned loyalty is nothing, if you don’t have someone to project it on.
Harry Potter and Luke Skywalker learned being a hot head didn’t really bring him forward and it’s important to have a plan
Frodo Beutlin learned that it is okay taking care of yourself and what attachment means
Anakin Skywalker learned fear is controllable and it shouldn’t be a remaining part of your life
Tommy learned over the time that his rashness could hurt others, loyalty couldn’t come back to him like he gave it out and he learns even more in the coming future.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Relationships
Tommy’s relationships is a mess of strings. Some are badly knotted and some are very clear.
A characters connections is an important part for the character himself.
Relationships in life are
·      Enemies(-figure)
·      Rivals(-figure)
·      Friends(-figure)
·      Family(-figure)
·      Lover(-figure)
·      Complicated family(-figure)
·      Complicated friend (-figure)
Relationships are a part of everyone’s life. Not with everybody is a good relationship holdable. Either it’s because their hurting each other or another person. People change and that’s a part of life.
Tommy realized, even tho it hurt, that Techno wasn’t good for his mental state and health. It went against everything Tommy ever stood for.
And Tommy and Tubbo’s relationship wasn’t really that broken. It’s normal for friends to fight. Normal for them hit their heads in. Tommy and Tubbo were surrounded with people who were, at the time, a terrible addition to their mental life.
The Dream SMP doesn’t talk it out, hell the talking club was just destroyed because they preferred fists over words. So why do you think everything is going out with a fight, if it’s all they learned.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Priced Possessions
Every character has to something a connection.
Might it be Percy Jackson and his sword
Might it be Harry with his glasses, broomstick and wand
Frodo and his stupid ring
For Tommy we all know it’s his ender chest inside and secret chest. He keeps many belongings in his chests and always has been one for those things. He kept flowers, compasses, Friendship signs and most importantly, his discs.
The care for something of items are important. Might it be a teddy, old photo or jewelry. People get protective over it, because it holds sentimental value to the person.
If you ask me, to let go of my teddy bear, I will show you my middle finger. Probably beat you up too.
You can’t just throw out your memories into a fire or pit of lava. This is just showing you never had a care and everything you had a memory with it before would have been gone.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
History/Backstory
We don’t have much here, but still something to work with.
A Hero doesn’t have an easy live. And it’s an said thing that every Hero needs an origin Story.
Tommy, said not really anything about his past.
All we know is that Tommy didn’t have anyone, presumably an Orphan, he knew the sleepy bois already a long time ago and he never learned on how to ride a bike, saying he never really had a family.
Signs that he didn’t even leave half a good life are:
·      his knowledge on stealing and preferring this over working for it
·      Liking to live in weird spaces like carved out holes in sides of hills (his hobbit hole or the basement by Techno) or living in his tent over a hole house
·      His liking of cobblestone and dirt, which are easy gettable blocks
·      Holding his goodies and friends close to him
·      Craving for attention or contact in general
And now for the part with the dream SMP.
We saw how it changed him. We saw his trauma and all the bad things that happened to him.
And that’s why we say his actions came from those past experiences and things. We are NOT excusing them, but showing. Past trauma CHANGES a person. It brings experience and a heavy amount of pain and anger. ESPECIALLY at a young age, you will change due to your experience in life. You will grow worried and anxious. Tommy did that. He grew more anxious, angry, scared and also experienced.
Stop saying trauma doesn’t explain it. Yes. It does. His lashing out came from his past and negative experience. Imagine growing up in a world where this is the norm. War and banishing. As well as death. Tommy has reasons why he is acting and does stuff.
Understand it. You don’t have to forgive him or anything. But understand it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The moral and the story the character tells us
When we see Tommy, we see a boy who went nearly through it all. Mental/Physical Abuse, Abandonment, War, Suicidal thoughts, betrayal, Death, etc…
He doesn’t show forgiveness for his abuser. Still has signs, that he fights with the past abuse, but he tells us a story of learning from past mistakes, that even in the darkest hours, there’s a way out. Things will, can and be ugly and those are dark hours, but in no way should you think that it’s over. Life is more than one way and can always turn into a new direction.
Life takes something old away from you. Life gives you something new. You lose someone, you find someone new. Friends can turn into enemies. Enemies can turn into friends. You can meet the weirdest people. You can meet the most amazing people. You can be alone and in the next second, you’re not. You will often lose, but you also can win if you give everything.
Life can be weird and that’s okay.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My Fazit (that’s german)
The thing is, he is very real for many viewers such as myself. He acts like how many teenagers his age reacts.
He doesn’t be “baby”, because he shows the “ugly” sides of trauma. He shows that attachments are good and you shouldn’t forgive your abuser. In no way. He shows that acting out and lashing out are two things that happen, when you have been in wars for many times and nearly just know that.
He has many flaws and mistakes but those make him even more real. He is showing how he is growing.
As a person, friend, (pseudo-)family.
He is real to many of the viewer since he doesn’t have any powers that are existing in our world to solve their problems. He knows that nobody would have helped him and Tubbo against Dream if he didn’t pay others.
Also that you can’t be friends with everyone and that it’s okay that not everybody likes you.
Tommy´s character is the most human and realistic character in a way of how we would react. We are humans who are lashing out and who are having ugly sides.
And also please stop saying that, since I really can relate to Tommy and I don’t want to be feeling like a “bad-written Character”…
And Don’t even get me started on Tommy’s acting dude!
He is one of the best actors and that one livestreams! In from off 200.000 – 600.000 People!
On the face cam alone is so much to see…  
·      You can see his face with each emotion shifting,
·      when something funnily weird happens, he looks dead eyes in the camera
The voice acting…
·      His breathing,
·      the stuttering in his voice,
·      THE GODDAMN EMOTIONS IN HIS FACE
HIS MUSIC CHOICE!
·      He changes the music fitting for the situations as in fighting scenes or funny moments.
·      He also has some funny bits with his music.
·      Like a goddam DJ!
The ingame character
·      His movements and head stares
·      The jumping around when he gets overactive
·      Long stops when he thinks or is sad!
You can see, I am a person from Tumblr and saw way too much bullshit around tommys character.
Stop critiquing him so badly.
You could say, I woke up and chose violence
>:D
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kcatta-wodahs · 4 years
Text
MC Who Does Not Fear Death x OM! Demon Brothers
Or maiming, or apparently any other consequences. You’ve walked into this situation with absolutely no filter and no fear. Time to tear down every structure of Devildom society.
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Lucifer
You look at him with a withering stare when he tries to intimidate you into behaving.
“I was summoned out of my trashy apartment to this place, where literally anyone could snap me like a twig on accident. I’m just working on the assumption that I’m already dead.”
He sternly looks at you. “You’re under my protection during your time here. No harm will come to you.”
You snort derisively, which visibly irritates him. “Don’t worry about it. I won’t come back to haunt you if it happens.”
As you continue through your life in Devildom he keeps calling you out for meddling and all that, like usual, and he HATES that you literally *do not care* when he threatens you.
Like HE knows that he wouldn’t hurt Diavolo’s transfer student but YOU are supposed to be AFRAID of him dammit.
His frustration at this ends up turning into a form of respect. You’re about the only person who will stand up to him, and tbh like you’re so fucking fragile but you’ll yell at him all day? That takes guts. Annoying guts. But you’ve got guts.
But also STOP IT. He has enough stress in his life and now he’s constantly terrified that you’ve decided it’s a great idea to adopt a baby balrog
Which you did once. He’s just afraid that “Flamin Hot Cheeto” is going to come back since you somehow managed to imprint on it.
despite the fact that the BABY could easily tear your arms off on accident
Not to mention he gets the flack for EVERY SINGLE ONE of these following stories. You stress him out so much. Please. Please, stop. 
He’s almost to the point of begging. The Avatar of Pride is three steps away from either locking you away for the rest of the year or begging on his knees for you to calm down. 
 But you know you’d find a way out if he locked you up so no worries. It’ll be a good challenge.
Mammon
“Well you WON’T be dead because it’s my job to protect you! Are you doubting the Great Mammon?!”
Stupid human. Yeah, you’re fragile and weak, but that’s why HE’S your bodyguard now, and there’s no way in hell (lol) that he would let you die on his watch.
Lucifer would kill him.
You welcome the challenge, and he thinks it’s funny at first but quickly becomes a flustered mother hen.
“NO, we are NOT going out to Madam Scream’s at 3am! Do ya know what kinda CREEPS are out there at 3am?!”
And you sneak out the fucking window.
He has had more heart attacks in the past week than he has had in the last 100 years of life.
He starts agreeing to your ridiculous adventures JUST because then he can actually keep an eye on you. 
He adores the chaos of the laugh that bursts from you every time you narrowly escape death. 
He HATES how often you have to NARROWLY ESCAPE DEATH. So he will never tell you.
He almost doesn’t have time for his own shenanigans anymore, because all his time is taken up by trying to make sure you stay alive.
And you’ve figured out that if you turn *any* of your ideas into a money-making one, he will join you whole-heartedly.
So you bribe him because what’s money to you anymore anyway?
Leviathan
I mean he doesn’t leave his room much, so tbh he probably just gets texts from you that make him want to scream.
‘hey uh levi say if someone were to hypothetically be stuck in a succubus’ devil basement to become an unwilling sacrifice to asmo what would that person, hypothetically, do?’
‘probably die’ is usually all he sends back
You always come back, because he always sends a text to the other brothers. In that case Asmo came to rescue you himself and scold the succubus.
You become the friend that he makes funny throwing-shade reddit posts about. (Devvit? Devil reddit? Eh??)
‘Levi so this has nothing to do with anything but is there a cure for a dangerously potent ‘always win at rock-paper-scissors' curse? Asking for a friend’
‘Friend is being held hostage tho so maybe be quick about a response’
He didn’t even know that kind of curse existed. None of them did. What the fuck did you do.
How did you get taken captive by playing rock paper scissors?
He doesn’t know. Nobody does. He expects the play-by-play so he can recommend it as a new anime to his favorite producers. 
Somehow your chaotic plans end up with stories almost as great as TSL. 
Beelzebub
He physically carries you around.
He’s like “fuck this you can’t get into trouble if I’m holding you.”
If Beel’s on MC watching duty, he’s almost the only one who is successful, just because you physically cannot get away. 
But at the same time, he is very easily bribed. 
So yes, he’ll go to Madam Scream’s with you at 3am. Sounds like fun.
But he is very protective after losing someone he cares about (who you remind him of so much….) so he keeps you close when you’re out and about too.
If you start getting into a fight with some other demon he literally just takes the fight for you and wins with no trouble at all.
You like having Beel with you.
Especially finding street festivals! You’re in a whole new world and there’s a MILLION things to try. Beel is more than happy to try them with you.
But that leads to arguments about whether deadly creatures to humans are still deadly when dead. 
“No, you can’t eat that it’s on fire. I know even small fires hurt humans. I’ll eat it for you.”
“That hot sauce makes every demon I know cry. You really shouldn’t buy a bottle. Please. No, don’t try it. No, that’s too much for one-- oh. Oh no.”
He forgives you as long as you don’t actually get hurt and you give him your leftovers.
Asmodeus
“If I get wrinkles because of you I promise you will never hear the end of it. I will curse you forever.”
He swears on every single one of his lovers that you have started giving him grey hairs.
GREY HAIRS, MC.
Why can’t you just settle down and let them all take care of you? You don’t have to prove anything to the other demons!
But you will. You’re living in Devildom now, and by everything unholy, you are going to live that life to its fullest extent.
He was thrilled at first when you were all for joining him at his nightclubs and parties. Now he hides every party’s date from you.
That time you almost threw yourself off a balcony to try and emulate a very drunk demon’s newest dance move.
“I need to stay TRENDY, Asmo!! I’ll be fine!!”
Ever since learning Demonus doesn’t affect humans you have challenged every single stuck-up tough boy to a drinking contest.
And every single time you win, Asmo has had to *narrowly* save you from being killed by said demon.
And you just say “he deserved it” every time.
And like, yeah okay, he probably did but YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO DIE.
Somehow, you manage to out-party Asmo.
dON’T TELL THE OTHERS but he lives for the times when you practically fall asleep on his shoulder while coming home from a rager. You may not get drunk, but when you’re sleepy, you’re so affectionate and something in his heart melts.
Satan
At first, Satan was all for the rebellious “life life with no restraints” thought process you explained to him.
I mean, he didn’t like the assumption that he and his brothers couldn’t control themselves to not accidentally kill you, but also… fair.
But he didn’t realize that this mindset followed through for EVERY demon in ANY place.
Including RAD, where old and wizened demons were *really* not used to being contradicted
Which led to you “accidentally insulting” your 5000 year old Human Studies professor by giving them a pop quiz on current memes (which they failed).
And left Satan as the one who had to make sure that said professor didn’t kill you. 
And the thing is, this keeps happening.
You’ve written all over the school’s library books, pointing out every error.
You *continue* to argue with the demons who threaten to kill you when you say silly things like “No, Solomon did not learn his sorcery at Hogwarts because Hogwarts isn’t REAL.”
(Solomon, meanwhile, refutes you vehemently and seems to grow three inches taller every time you glare at him.)
Satan assures you that he values knowledge and truth and all that, but could you maybe find a less dangerous way to push it?
No can do, Satan, because you already had plans with Mammon to use a curse that writes the history of the actual Sorceric Academy that Solomon attended like 400 years all over the desks in Human Studies. It’s activated by anyone saying “Hogwarts”. 
No, no, Satan, it’s brilliant, because you can’t do magic. It can’t be you who did it.
Satan, no don’t tell Lucifer.
I thought you hated him. Satan, wait. 
You are the only person in the history of ever who convinces him to come to Lucifer for intervention. You wear that badge with pride and also deep, deep, bitter sadness. 
Belphegor
Like, through the plot your willingness to be a thorn in anyone’s side just to get more information really works for Belphie.
He’s like all I gotta do is ask? Sweet. Yeah. Go, human.
But then when he’s all big and threatening and “im gonna kill you” and you just kind of look at him and nod like “yeah, this checks out.” 
Frankly, that’s rude, MC. 
And then he keeps threatening to kill you and it doesn’t even PHASE you like. You just keep listening to him rant and going “OH i think i get it now”
He liked that you were always looking for more information when he was the one pushing you around, but now?
No. Human, he is going to KILL you here, STOP ASKING QUESTIONS.
And then you do the time-travel bit, and see that he *literally has killed you in one timeline* and you just like
Shrug it off and keep talking about Lilith???????
Tbh what probably stopped him from doing it again is just that you’re fucking insane, MC 
“MC, you literally just saw yourself dead in Mammon’s arms”
You wave your hand vaguely in his direction and say, “Yeah okay, but can we talk about the lack of communication in this household because it is tearing this family apart.”
What the fuck MC
When he’s back to normal, tbh he loves that side of you. He loves getting into shit when he’s not sleeping. He will 100% encourage you and be there to make sure that you *don’t* actually die again.
He’s the only one who doesn’t actually try to stop you. Who knew he was so into chaos.
But if you try to drag him to a plan when he should be sleeping he will be like Beel and literally just hold you down while he naps dammit. You brought this on yourself. He needs sleep.
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haravath0t · 3 years
Text
A Step Into The Light
Pairing: Loki x Reader (female reader)
Word Count: 2.8K
Warning(s): angst, fluff, a comforting Loki! 
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Hello, everyone! We are going to kick off the 200 followers celebration with our first fics from gifs prompt sent in by the lovely @tomholland-96 !! This is my second Loki work so forgive me, as I’m trying my best to emulate my characterization of him! If you want to take part in the 200 followers celebration, please take a look at the pinned post on my page so that you can see the details! It may be slow until the 20th because the Spring Semester is becoming close to its end, so we are grinding till we reach the finish line folks! Enjoy reading my lovelies! HERE WE GO!
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(Gif used not mine)
Prompt: “Loki listens to reader rambling about something and realizes that he loves her.”
Loki spends most of his days and nights to himself, burying his nose into the pages of old books whenever he possibly can. He would sneak off in the middle of the night in order to place himself near shelves of books, finding solace in the simple calm of the night that came alongside the pleasing sounds of pages being turned. The night he had first talked to you was no different, as the beams coming from the moon shone through the glass window and into the room, reminding him of the same nights that he had done this back on Asgard. 
This quick remembrance of his old home was then pushed aside as he made himself comfortable, wanting to delve into the work of the highly recommended William Shakespeare. Tonight he had opted to read Romeo and Juliet, a recommendation from the brooding super soldier with the metal arm. Bucky, he remembered. Halfway through Act 1, his gaze averted from the page for the first time tonight, hearing the sound of a book dropping, a book that surely was not from his pile beside him. He heard a tiny curse from the next room, causing his eyes to furrow before he stands up cautiously, quietly walking towards the direction of the voice. 
“Sorry, that was all me,” you say, popping up from the wall next door, eyes tightly shut in humiliation that you were easily discovered by the god. “I… I was just on my way to return some books, that's all.” You managed to squeak out, opening your eyes and immediately keeping your gaze onto the floor. 
Loki had seen you around the compound before. You were quiet, shy to new people, yet he was also able to see how you were through familiar friends which had caused him to take a quiet interest in you. Despite your fiery persona during missions, he had seen you to be quite the opposite in the compound. He saw the extra care that you had put in everyone, as if you knew what they all needed. He’d see the way you’d bring coffee to Tony while he worked away in his lab, or how you would wake up in the morning to run with Steve, Bucky, and Sam (despite your tired state coming back). He’d also see how you would willingly cook meals for everyone during the times when you were available, surprisingly even remembering him. Thor had brought him a plateful of dinner his first night in, saying that you had offered this to him in case he felt hungry. Much to his surprise, he quite enjoyed it. Despite his unwillingness to join the team for times such as these, he would often consider to go against his usual routine for the sake of seeing just how you would act towards him. However, it secretly had hurt him to see your current state, your gaze towards the ground as your back was slightly hunched in intimidation. It reminded him of the image that had been held by him. 
“Are you going to return the books or not?” He hears himself say. He immediately regrets the tone he had spoken in, watching as you slightly twitch at the tone. 
“Oh, yeah… mmm… sorry. I’ll make this quick.” You quickly squeak before you shyly go around him, unaware of the way he watches you carefully put away the handful of books that were in your arms. Regret had hit him harder as your eyes met, for your eyes were not filled with hatred as he suspected, but guilt and embarrassment instead. Why could you be so embarrassed, he wondered. You offered him a slight smile when you spotted Romeo and Juliet open on the chair where he sat. 
“Oooh, Romeo and Juliet… it’s a nice read. I hope you enjoy,” you softly say, the last part of your sentence slowly trailing off before you make your way at the door. However, before you head out, you freeze. “Oh, I also want to apologize. I didn’t wanna give you too much trouble, I didn’t realize you were still here.” You blurt out, embarrassed once again at your awkwardness. 
Loki only raised an eyebrow at you, his body now facing yours. “That I’m still here? What makes you come to this reasoning?”
You point to the clock, your tiny attempt to justify your reasoning. “Oh, this is the normal time I come to read. I know you like to read alone, so I tend to go in after you that’s all. It’s okay though! Romeo and Juliet is a nice read! It was a nice introduction to Shakespeare-“ 
Loki couldn’t help the small smirk that appeared on his face hearing you talk about your experience on reading Romeo and Juliet. However, you quickly stop yourself, smiling shyly as you straighten yourself up. “Well, I don’t wanna end up spoiling you, but it’s actually good! I promise!” He did not have any time to respond as you quickly bolted out of the sitting area without looking  back. He concluded to himself to come in later than his usual time.
It took a few months before you loosened up around the god of mischief, finding yourselves meeting up at night to stay in each other’s company. From reading the same books, to taking night walks around the compound, Loki had begun to slowly ease into your company. Thor had taken notice of his brother becoming less tense, more tolerable, and even more present in the compound. Thor’s suspicions have been answered when he heard a laugh outside his window. As his curiosity had led him to peek out the window, he saw his own brother walking beside you. He was carrying a soft smile on his lips as you and him conversed. Thor had not let go of it since that night. 
“Is there something about you and Y/N that I should know, brother?” He asks Loki, a wide grin on his face as he walks with his brother from sparring in the gym. Loki’s eyes widen at the bold question, his eyebrows immediately furrowing. 
“I know you two hang out and all, I assumed that there’s something going on between the both of you that’s all.”
“Bold assumption, brother. Even for me. No, there is nothing going on, just being friendly that’s all.”
Thor scoffed at this, shaking his head as he lets out a chuckle. “I don’t think whatever I saw you both doing was just friendly.” 
Loki cocked an eyebrow, visibly lost at the words of his brother. “I don’t understand. We walk, talk, and read. Like any normal friend would. How is that past friendly?” 
“Don’t talk like that, brother. I know what you are trying to do. Have you seen yourself around us? You avoid the team so often, yet when she invites you to do something with her, you do it willing-” 
“How do you even know this?” Loki hisses, interrupting the blond from his statement and taking a step backwards. “There is nothing, absolutely nothing going on. Her and I are merely partners in reading. You don’t understand at all. There will be nothing more than what we have.” 
Loki only looked at Thor in surprise when he let out a boisterous laugh, brows furrowing as the god had an even wider grin than before. “You listen, brother, listen well. I think you are in denial. You are afraid to get your feelings hurt because of her. You are afraid anything more than this will drive you away.” Thor starts, pointing a finger at the confused god. Before he interrupts, Thor continues. “You shouldn’t have to fret brother. We both know that even a mischievous god like yourself deserves someone like her. I think she’s a fine lady. Balances you out quite well. One day, I know you’ll realize this, and I’ll tell you ‘I told you so.’ ”
Loki can only watch his brother retreat back to his room that night, standing in bewilderment before opting to end the night. 
Loki had stirred the next morning to a gentle knock, wondering who could wake him up at the crack of dawn. He padded his way to the door, surprised at the sight of you, hair messy, baggy pajamas, and a notably tired face. 
“Why, isn’t this a surprise,” He starts, his form visibly relaxing at the familiar face, his voice also softening. “What is it, my dear?” 
“Sorry, I know you don’t like company, but you’re the only person I really trust at this point.” You say with a shy smile, your bed voice apparent. 
“Surely Rogers or Barnes and all may be better help-”
He stops the moment you shake your head, tears immediately welling up as you hug yourself, his heart breaking at the sight. “Oh petal…” he sighs, not hesitating to wrap a protective arm around you to lead you inside. 
You had begun to burst into tears as he led you to his bed, Loki sitting the two of you down as your emotions ran free. Loki silently encouraged you as you let your tears fall, showing no signs in wanting you to stop. He hesitantly raised a hand, slowly bringing strands of your hair out of your face and tucking them behind your hair as he watched. His heart broke once again that morning, not used to seeing your normally upbeat and optimistic self broken and helpless. It felt like he was seeing a part of himself in you, a part he hated to see and recognize. However, seeing this in a person like you made him all the more closer to you. There possibly was a place where you two understood each other more. 
It had led him to gently wiping your tears with a gentle touch of his thumb. It was hesitant, but the touch alone made you relax, reminding you of the reality that there was someone beside you who could possibly ground you, who could possibly offer you some perspective. The god continued to wipe your tears as the wave of emotions had died down to sniffles and a quiet thank you. 
Why of all people did you come to him? What had concerned you so much to have led yourself to his room? He couldn’t help but ask the question. “If I may, what has happened to have brought you here to me?” 
You sighed and leaned into his body, your body tired from the crying. “Bad dream…” you start off. “Loki… what do you do when... When you feel like you’re not enough? When you feel like you don’t really have earned your place into this team?” 
Loki furrowed his eyebrows and nodded in understanding, very familiar with the new condition she had provided him. “Well, from what Thor tells me, I should be aware that I am more than what that part of me thinks I am. More than what other label that others have put on me,” he starts, looking at the floor in thought. “But…. we don’t truly move on from that easily, don’t we?” He questions, his eyes now directed to yours, surprised that they’ve been attentive, as if holding onto his every move, every word that has slipped from his lips. You shake your head. 
“No… it’s been a little while since I’ve felt this way, but this time it came back in my sleep. I can’t help but feel doubtful. There are more capable agents out there in our facility. Why me? What have I done to earn this place?” You confess, shifting your weight on the bed side to side nervously, afraid that you are slowly driving the god away. Afraid you are saying more than he wanted to say. However, the reassurance you were having is his attentive gaze as well as the hand that was now holding yours. 
“Petal, I assure you, from what I have seen of you, your work ethic exceeds all others. You are talented and gifted. One thing that had taken me a while to realize… I still struggle with it as well… it is not only the advantages that we hold that define who we are, but it is also our struggles, what we do with these struggles and hardships… those have equal value into defining who we are. And from how the team sees you? I believe they know that you have used it for the good and the betterment of others. It doesn’t go unappreciated.” A small beat of pause fills the air before he continues. 
“I…. personally am grateful for your company. I am grateful that you have been good to me. I’m glad to be...friends… friends with you.” 
He had tried his best to ignore the feeling of his heart leaping when the hint of a smile had graced your face. 
“You think so?”
Loki’s lips tempt to curl up into a smile as he nods. “I know so. Now, what do you do to relieve yourself from your troubles?” He inquires, having this urge to keep taking part in making you feel better. It grants him a sense of satisfaction when your smile widens. 
“Snacks in bed while I watch some videos of my favorite place.” You reply, which made Loki immediately sit you both in his emerald green blankets, adjusting the pillows as they become a makeshift headrest for your heads. You gasp in surprise as he had made ice cream appear with a green glow beside you both as you set up the TV. 
“Gee, my favorite flavor,” you gasped in awe, looking at Loki gratefully. “Thank you.” 
Loki can only chuckle and shrug as you resume your search on YouTube. “I have taken note of it one night. I’m glad I was correct.” 
You pulled up a video of a ride from Disneyland, smiling as you ate ice cream and watched the familiar ride take its course. 
“So what’s special about this place?” You hear the god question. You didn’t hold back the smile that graced your face. 
“Oh, it’s the most amazing place! You see, Disneyland is this theme park- oh I want to ask Tony so bad, but there you-” 
It made Loki smile, watching your eyes light up as you went on talking about something you took interest in. He managed to make you do it again. It was a refreshing sight.  
Loki never really appealed to many people in the compound. He hated watching Stark’s prideful personality take the reins of meetings or even dinner. He hated how Rogers’ surge of righteousness always oozed out, whether it was from his little “monologues” or even from the way he had walked around the facility. He’d easily find a way to block their voices out of his head. However, you were a different case. 
He admired how often you rambled. He found it amusing that you found so much love and passion for almost anything and everything you saw or heard. He found it pure that someone who had an excellent ethic out in the battlefield had this love for living. It made him think that perhaps living on Midgard would not be the worst thing. However, he realized one thing as you paused to eat some ice cream before rambling on. He could not be able to step into Midgard with this mindset without you. In fact, he wouldn’t be able to fully discover what Midgard can hold without you. He was proud to admit to himself that he knew you on a level that was different from how others knew you. He saw you as a quiet, yet powerful force to have walked on Midgard. Yes you were quiet and shy, even self-cautious, but your empathy towards everyone, even to a person like himself, had made him realize, maybe he wasn’t so bad. Maybe there was a chance to be out of this dark corner that he had been placed in. He felt like it would only happen if you were willing to hold his hand through it all. 
You blushed when you realized you were rambling, immediately halting your thoughts and words. “Sorry, I must have bored you.” 
He smiled at your consideration for his side. “Not at all, petal.” 
“Hey… you think we can go there one day together? I’d love to have you as a riding buddy.”  
The way your eyes lit in excitement and expectation alongside your joyful smile made him reciprocate your joy with his own lips. 
“It would be a great honor, petal.” 
Thor was right. Maybe indeed there was something more that Loki had yearned for when it came to you. He was uncertain of how it would turn out, but he was willing to see how it would unfold as long as it meant you would be around.
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thisdreamplace · 3 years
Note
ashamed to say the 3D reflects our true inner reality, yes? my ENTIRE family has turned against me, after some atrocious conflicts in which they all ganged up on me nd judged me, name-calling, very hurtful things too, provoked me. i been dealing with some serious mental uh 'issues' on my own nd when this happend i was already on the verge of a breakdown nd the good news is while the conflict happened i kept telling myself theyre only reflecting me u can get thru it etc. Later i looked at the hard facts nd realised some of the hurtful things they said were my deep secret feelings abt myself. BUT my question is why the HELL cant they talk to me like normal people? confronting one person vs whole family, why?! i felt so small nd like an object, nd not a single person defended me. am i not a part of the family?
Part 2 is simply its been a week and theyve still been cold towards me as if I yelled AT THEM ABT THEIR PAINFUL 'tRuThS' in front of EVERYONE LMAOOO. At first if i was around we'd have dinner together while they'd all talk to each other like best friends aka sickeningly overly friendly while completely IGNORING me while i sat there. i could tolerate it. I WAS PISSED AT THEM TOO Now its too painful. They're having dinner without telling me, yesterday didnt leave enough food for me knowing i hadnt eaten, serve tea/snacks without my portion. i honestly feel so unspeakably trigered nd sad. worst is these things r reminding me of deep school memories when id feel excluded like this by other kids at parties or class activities nd its like im back there. anyway im glad i controled myself a bit nd didnt counter with horrid things abt them to THEM yet they think they can say the same to me. im so hurt rn i cant even tell u lol i was okay the whole week but now its too much,, ive been crying the whole day
thing is, ik this seems like 'im a victim oh noooo they ganged up on meee'. Nope its more like how do i change myself to change them?! u could say why not talk to them how they made u feel, except whenever ive defended myself in the past regarding hurtful things they/anyone in family did, the siblings/parents would say irritating things like: "oh so YOU'RE the one hurt? Oh thats right, its because YOU'RE right! yes, yes, you're always right. Forgive me for saying anything against the perfect person u are." Or one of them says: "You?! I hurt YOU? What about me? You don't care about me! So you think what ur doing is okay?" or "no, who do YOU think u are to tell ME what to do?" it just goes in circles like this! i dont deserve to hurt myself or do smth to myself even if they dont give a damn, even if years of silent suffering of the 'mEntAL pRoBlEms' (which my lovely parents have already told me is my fault years ago, hence why I NEVER show it to them, unless im crying too much then lol they just mock me, but idc abt THAT bcoz now ik i hav a right to let out my emotions)). i mean this is worse rjan usual. its kinda insane nd when guests come they start talking to me as if nothing's wrong then when they leave, they ignore me!
this whole twisted dynamics, feelijf left out nd helpless is ig some crazy assumptin from childhood of being alone nd unable to defend myself. plus when they argye with anyone, they become overly self-righteous nd over the years its clear they can only scream, blame the scapegoat and never talk abt serious matter like normal ppl. And yes, in the past when i bring this up, they like to reply with stuff like: "no YOU'RE the one who doesnt talk to US bla bla" like, when i do u just shut me down? have belittled my mental 'issues', mocked me when im at my worst, stabbed me with cruel silent treatments nd thinking its alright "bcoz of self-righteousness blegh". Or maybe i think its okay for them to punish me? or whatev? Like law says u get what u r. if these ~~~ keep doing this to me, im doubly ashamed to say this means im the one at fault?! i let this monster assunptin grow nd now idk what to do. the worst thing imo is how i failed to tell them,even if they ignored me in the past, how i feel when anything like this or a conflict happens nd none of them stand up for me, or at least are neutral to me. bcoz now if i do, they say nope, u dont care what we do, YOUR the shameless one :! so yeah they hav the advantage of 'numbwrs' while im too afraid to stand up for myself lol. btw they never apologize nd i suspect they expect ME to apologize to TYEM bcoz everything's already ruined bcoz of 'me'..... i give up on them, i really do, but my heart hurts. Either i harden my heart, nd save up to move out, OR i try to change my self or whatev assumptins i have. But how do i do that? i try afirming: "my familys so nice to me, im respected by them" but it feels so fake tears literally enter my eyes lol
firstly i want to say, thank you for coming here to vent and being open about your feelings. it’s so important sometimes to just let it all out, without holding back. so that way you can move forward more bravely, to create the life you truly want to experience. that being said, i am going to be completely honest with you here in hopes that perhaps it may inspire you and you will be ready to do what is needed for the life you truly want to experience.
“BUT my question is why the HELL cant they talk to me like normal people?” -> “i felt so small nd like an object, nd not a single person defended me. am i not a part of the family?” here is your question, and here is your answer. i think that being completely honest when venting your feelings can actually be so helpful, because if you read back what you have said, you will be able to clearly find the patterns that are creating your personal hell. FEELING IS THE SECRET. ASSUMPTIONS HARDEN INTO FACT. the true way you feel, becomes your experience. Feelings/assumptions/beliefs come first, and the experiences come second to confirm them. That’s all that’s happening here.
i am glad that you were able to keep your reactions to a minimum! that's wonderful and as many of us know, it can sometimes be hard to do in such hurtful circumstances. but you managed to do it, this shows just a small glimpse of the power you truly hold within. although emotionally you may feel out of control, there is still the choice to choose better for yourself which you demonstrated through your reaction to them. good for you!
the truth is, you acknowledge the victim mindset to seem like you’re not engulfed in it, but no, you’re still very clearly engulfed in it. as i have said before, you can’t be a VICTOR and feel bad about it. feeling bad about taking responsibility, about everyone is you pushed out, about any of these types of concepts automatically shows a victim mindset. talking to them won’t do anything, because there are no second causes. you could talk to them nicely, you could be the nicest person in the world. but you can’t pretend your way out of your inner world. your inner world is the one and only cause of your experiences. until you change the story you tell yourself, they will stay the same. this is a hard pill to swallow sometimes. and it can feel heavily, because it’s ultimately only you’re choice. they can’t change until you do. the heaviness of the situation may make it seem impossible to turn around, but that’s just an illusion. your emotional attachment to the situation makes it seem so real and hard to change, but no. that’s just an illusion too. however, it’s ultimately your choice. Do you want to take responsibility for your life, or do you want to keep being tossed around like your lost at sea, victim to the merciless angry waves? Because we always have a choice. No one chooses your inner world, you do. No one can go into your mind and decide things for you, that’s only your job.
you can harden your heart, but who would be the one who suffers more? It won’t be your family, i can assure you. it’ll only be you. by doing that, you keep that old story alive and therefore you keep experiencing it. you keep those stories alive that are desperately showing themselves to you, saying “LET US GO.” but you remain identified with those painful stories, so you grip onto them tight. you keep on thinking of possible reasons for their behavior, but you could just read your entire ask back to yourself and you’ll see every reason. your reactions, your beliefs about them, your emotional pain. its your refusal to let those things go, and focus on what you truly want that keeps you in this state and keeps them in this state. sure it’s painful to face the responsibility at first, but it’s not a blame game. thinking its about blame is just a misunderstanding of the teachings. it’s not about they’re so perfect and you’re so not, so you have to change your ways. it’s about this is how life works here. this is about... you can ONLY ever experience self. whatever is going on within, will be reflected in your outer world. it’s about how they can’t change, UNTIL YOU DO. so instead of feeling sorry for yourself, you have to decide to give yourself the gift of a wonderful life because you have that power too. you stop deciding they can be in control of your experience, and you decide your experience yourself.
to change your assumptions, stop trying to affirm over them and actually face what’s keeping you from believing in your desires. yeah, it’s going to be painful and uncomfortable. but you need to face the pain that you’re running away from, so that it can finally be released. you have to realize, it only stayed true because you believed it to be true. and if you are to live a life free from that story, and experience a more desirable story, then you must let the pain go. give yourself love and grace as you work through it, and know that there is a more beautiful side of life that awaits for you to accept it in.
No One To Change But Self
There is Nothing to Forgive
How to Sit with Your Triggers
give yourself the time you need, it's not race. the love that you wish to experience exists, allow it in. 💖
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sepublic · 3 years
Text
When Eda/Luz is Threatened...
           Okay, I know @novelist-becca already went over this in the past, but screw it, I’m in the mood to gush about Eda and Luz, so;
           It’s worth noting that there’s a pretty clear difference between how Eda reacts towards someone who threatens her, VS someone who threatens Luz. Tibbles and Lilith serve as pretty good control groups, given how they’ve interacted with Eda and Luz separately on a different basis, and Eda’s reaction to them in each scenario clearly differs…
           In Tibbles’ case- There isn’t any retaliation to begin with, at first! Yeah Eda hates his guts, but as soon as she gets her elixir, she and King just ditch him to his fate. Eda doesn’t even know that the Mud & Sundry stand is about to collapse on Tibbles when she leaves, so from her perspective, HER issue with getting the elixir is well and done- And that’s it! No need for revenge, Eda has no pragmatic quarrel with Tibbles, and it’s very practical of her as a result.
           …But when Tibbles threatens Luz, King, Willow, and Gus? When he tried to KILL them outright, whereas the last time, he just dressed King up in cute clothes? THEN Eda retaliates violently… Tibbles’ scheme is already ruined and she could easily steal his snails for herself, the kids and King are safe, Eda herself had no participation in Tibbles’ scheme… But the kids were threatened, and Eda goes out of her way to dump a bunch of crab-apples upon Tibbles, setting him up to be eaten alive by his own animals- She’s trying to kill him here, and honestly, I can’t blame her.
           Eda’s lax attitude towards Tibbles is also prevalent early in Really Small Problems; He’s apparently been trying to send her death threats, and even if that wasn’t Tibbles… Eda seems more concerned about Tibbles’ potential plot towards her, than actually getting back at him for past incidents. Even when she easily sees past Tibbles’ attempt to poison her, Eda just… Goes on with her day, doesn’t bother with Tibbles. She leaves him be, repeatedly spares him of her own volition- And so Tibbles pushes his luck when he targets Luz. THEN he only has himself to blame when Eda sets him up to die; If we never see Tibbles again after this, it’d be a safe assumption to say he actually gets killed off-screen because of Eda.
           All in all, Eda’s attitude towards Tibbles is incredibly lax- Yeah he’s a threat to her, yeah he’s annoying and despicable… But otherwise Eda only does what needs to be done, until Luz is threatened. This pairs well with her interactions with Lilith- Lilith is set to capture Eda… And obviously, Lilith doesn’t plan to actually kill Eda, Lilith thinks she’s helping Eda, and also they’re both sisters who –mostly- know one another… So yeah, that plays a role into Eda not feeling all too threatened nor preemptively defensive when Lilith is around. She lets Lilith into her space, doesn’t try to strike back in anticipation UNTIL Lilith messes up…
           And even then, Eda never actually aims to hurt Lilith! She goes out of her way to save her, and their duel in Covention was clearly treated as more of a fun spat than an actual attempt to hurt each other! Eda seemed to treat it that way at least, and when her curse is brought up, Lilith makes it clear again that, yes, she doesn’t actually mean to hurt Eda (even if she still does anyway by accident).
           But then Luz is captured, and… Well, Eda’s downright murderous attitude towards Lilith says more than enough. When she confronts her sister minutes before execution, Eda first mentions Lilith hurting LUZ above all-else, as if that’s more important to her than being cursed. And, I can see why- The curse happened years ago. Eda knows that Lilith has been trying to fix the curse, that much was made clear since Sense and Insensitivity at the latest. She obviously regrets what she did, and hey, it was only at EDA…
           But Luz didn’t deserve to be threatened. Luz didn’t deserve to almost die, whereas Lilith’s curse never physically harmed Eda, at least not in a direct sense. And it’s King vouching for Lilith by pointing out that she helped LUZ, that Eda then stops her attack- That, and to also not hurt King. Eda seems to care more about Lilith hurting her found family, and conversely, that means Eda is less than impressed by attempts to appease her; But attempts to make up by appeasing the ones she loves and helping them, THAT changes her tune!
           Which, one could perhaps get into speculation that maybe this relates to Eda perhaps not thinking very highly of herself… Or at the very least, she of course values her loved ones WAY more than she does herself, which doesn’t necessarily mean Eda has any low self-esteem! She definitely seems confident enough and it’s not exactly an illusion, but Eda’s own pride in herself could’ve partly stemmed as a survival tactic from the pain and ostracization of the curse by others, being persecuted by the Emperor’s Coven, etc. She does seem to genuinely believe what she says, Eda isn’t just saying it to fool herself- And while there are cracks in the façade here or there, they seem more standard insecurities, and not pointing to Eda making everything up.
           Really, you could go out and say that this evokes the attitude of Eda not really blaming people for being mad at her, even! She knows she’s mischievous and a troublemaker, a rascal who revels into it- She’s a pickpocket and well aware of it… Eda has a tendency to intentionally aggravate others, so she figures it’s not too personal if people hate her, because YEAH- If Eda met herself, she’d hate Eda too! It’s like Eda’s lowkey accepting and admitting her own flaws, or that in some scenarios, such as Tibbles in Hooty’s Moving Hassle- It isn’t meant to be anything personal besides individual gain and greed. It’s just someone trying to get by, even if it IS at the expense of someone else, but that’s about it. And even when Tibbles DOES try to get personal with Eda, again- She lets him be.
           Eda accepts that yeah, she IS a bit irritable and a mess, what about it? It is who she is, and HEY, she’s pretty empathetic, she can understand why people do things, she won’t hold a grudge… But when her own loved ones are threatened, that’s different, because they mean SO MUCH more to her! Not to mention Luz is a literal child and doesn’t deserve any attacks by whatever adult is targeting her… Eda’s willing to forgive and forget, but when it comes to Luz, hurting her apprentice/daughter is borderline unforgivable.
           Then we have people like Wrath; Eda seems like she could’ve initially humored his request to be his girlfriend for like, a day or two before she’d make it backfire on him… But then she notices Luz, who’s being physically harassed by Wrath, and she makes up her mind- If Luz has to put up with this danger and discomfort for even another second, and ploy or ruse to get by Wrath isn’t worth it! Eda will take him head-on, and even then… She makes it clear that her main concern is always Luz, she makes sure LUZ gets away from the Conformatorium, even at the risk of Eda’s self- It’s Luz who matters for Eda, it’s what happens to Luz that forms the basis of her priorities!
           We have Adegast, who Eda mostly knows as the creep who targeted Luz and held her hostage… And likewise, he had a LOT of those fake maps created, so who knows how many people he’d target, or already had? And how many of them are kids- These ‘Chosen One’ maps seem like they’d only work for the kind of young kid with that sort of imagination… So naturally, Eda doesn’t hesitate to kill Adegast by eating him alive, because hey, she can also get a snack out of it!
           There IS a bit of an exception in the Slitherbeast… However, the Slitherbeast isn’t some malicious adult- It’s literally just a wild animal, they don’t and usually can’t operate on our usual standards of morality. Not only that, but the Slitherbeast didn’t go out of its way to hurt Luz, it ony retaliated when she wounded it with a pretty huge fireball- And even then, it didn’t actually hurt Luz, it only succeeded in kidnapping Eda, Emira, and Edric. The Slitherbeast DOES at one point corner Luz later on, but she manages to fend for herself, and with everything mentioned above- And yeah, Eda isn’t going to hold any grudges against the wild animal that HAD been trying to mind its own business, when Luz had accidentally hurt it- And it’s not like it could’ve known that was an accident.
           So, Slitherbeast gets a pass. Then there’s Once Upon a Swap… Again, Lilith is a special case in that Eda knows she’s fundamentally a good person, they’re sisters and whatnot- And of course, Lilith doesn’t know she’s threatening Luz, she think she’s going after Eda, so Eda can’t blame her for intentionally trying to hurt Luz, that’s a pure accident that’s kind of Eda’s fault anyway. On the flipside, you have Boscha and her friends attacking King-in-Luz’s-body… And to be fair, it’s King- King can definitely get himself into deserved trouble. So they’re not REALLY retaliating against Luz for her own actions, it’s King for HIS own actions, even if they think it’s Luz… Plus, Boscha and her posse are literal kids.
           Aside from mixing everyone’s bodies up to provide cover for herself and the others, Eda doesn’t try to harm or retaliate! She doesn’t even try to get back at Roselle and Dottie, who tried to hold her prisoner! Again, Eda really is a forgive-and-forget kind of person, but when it comes to others… She can’t speak on their behalf, and she doesn’t ever want a kid like Luz to feel obligated to forgive an adult who hurt her. That’s not Luz’s responsibility, she shouldn’t have been hurt no matter what in the first place.
           Then we’ve got all those other episodes… Eda doesn’t know that Amity tried to get Luz dissected, and anyhow I doubt Amity actually intended for Luz to be hurt, just aiming for her to be pushed into a corner where she’s forced to out herself. Being a young kid like Luz, whom Eda knows is the child to Odalia and Alador, who likely stood out to her as a nasty bunch… And she can understand, even if it’s wrong- At least enough to not go out of her way to seek revenge on a literal child. This also applies to Covention, and Amity didn’t even try to hurt Luz, and as far as Eda knows, Luz agreed to that binding oath to not practice spells if she failed!
           Eda doesn’t know about the Demon Hunters who threatened Luz or the others… She DID meet them in Escape of the Palisman, but she doesn’t seem to recognize them, and clearly Luz and the others tried their best to cover up the incident. If Eda had recognized the Demon Hunters, I imagine she wouldn’t have just let things be, but who knows? She doesn’t hold anything against them, and in THAT case, they didn’t know Eda was a witch, they thought she was a wild animal out of control and a threat to others… Which she WAS (Eda even threatens Luz and King in that state), so Eda can’t blame them.
           Eda doesn’t know about what happened in Lost in Language… Mattholomule’s antics and that Detention Monster are already being resolved and anyhow aren’t life-threatening. Eda isn’t aware of what went on with the Bat Queen, but ultimately the Bat Queen turned around for Luz’s sake and only tried to chase off Luz for Owlbert’s sake, because Luz DID hurt Owlbert, so Eda can of course sympathize with that kind of protective nature- Plus Eda and the Bat Queen are on good terms and they love each others’ kids!
           Piniet… WELL, that’s an interesting conflict- If Luz and King hadn’t escaped, I also feel like Eda would’ve been VERY brutal with him, if aforementioned precedents set any example. She’d of course track down Piniet by learning about Ruler’s Reach, and Piniet would be in for a reckoning… Then we have The First Day, the Greater Basilisk is already incapacitated/dead by the time Eda arrives. Eda doesn’t know what goes on with Inner Willow, who only targets Amity from being literally set on fire… And while we don’t see Eda tackle Grom herself, she was obviously poised to beat it to kingdom come. And then there’s Boscha in Wing it like Witches, which Eda doesn’t know about, and also Boscha is a literal child.
           Repeating what is already well-established and obvious by this point- Eda seems to have an almost selfless double-standard… In that, she doesn’t really hold it against others who have a conflict with her, unless it’s a really personal betrayal like in Lilith’s case… But even then, Eda doesn’t go out of her way to kick an opponent when they’re down, or even hurt them, until Luz is threatened. And, I think that’s really sweet- Eda knows she’s flawed. Eda’s a full-grown adult, she’s definitely done things that would make people rightfully mad at her… But Luz?
          Even if she DID mess up, it’s definitely not out of malice, because that kid is trying her best- Plus she’s a KID, she doesn’t deserve to be hurt for that! Eda can understand if another kid doesn’t quite understand that, because children don’t think things through… But when an adult with power and age levies that over Luz the child? Eda doesn’t necessarily think of Luz as lesser or ‘weak’ for being a kid… More on that later… But while she wants Luz to be able to stand up for herself and be her own person, let her do things by her own request; As someone who was alone for so long, abandoned because of the curse and for being a criminal…
           Eda can’t bear to let Luz handle that burden on her own, even if she could- Because she’s a KID, she shouldn’t HAVE to do that in the first place! Eda’s not gonna fail Luz, not like how Gwendolyn seemed to fail her and Lilith… And, that plays into her kind of laughing off Luz’s attempt to take on Grom, when she first announces it! Eda doesn’t necessarily think of Luz as weak, and it’s clear that by the end of the day, she knows that as a kid, Luz shouldn’t be expected to handle that kind of terror… And this of course plays into how Eda has zero judgment when she reassures Luz and is ready to take on the responsibility of Grom, until Amity steps in. Coupled with giving the Witch’s Wool cloak to Luz (which Eda also had the concern that she herself wouldn’t need it soon enough), and Luz’s own accomplishments in the season finale… Managing to free Eda, fighting her way through the Conformatorium, instantly solo-ing Warden Wrath, and even damaging Belos?
           Coupled with how Eda has no issues with learning glyphs from Luz, because she believes and trusts in Luz’s guidance, knowledge, and skill as a witch- And I think it’s likely that Eda greatly respects Luz’s strength as a witch, if she hadn’t already… She was clever enough to figure out the glyphs, after all- And I think that REALLY began to change Eda’s perception of Luz’s potential, even beyond Luz rallying Tiny Nose and the others against Wrath, and having the maturity to dispel Adegast’s illusions! Luz wasn’t just strong in the emotional, spiritual sense- She has a real pragmatic cleverness, wit, adaptability, creativity, and now magical skill, that is worth recognizing and honing! And not just because she has no other choice, I think Eda genuinely trusts and respects Luz, to be willing to learn from her…
           …Even so- Eda’s totally going to freak out anyway if anyone keeps trying to threaten Luz, and dang it, she’ll do all she can to protect Luz, even if Luz is arguably more capable of defending herself now! Because she’s a kid, just because she can, doesn’t mean she should, Luz shouldn’t have to worry about that, screw anyone else who suggests otherwise!
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ruby-whistler · 3 years
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Your c!dream post came on my dash and while I can definitely agree with the main point (torture is wrong no matter who it happens to) some of the contents of that post were a bit bothering to me.
the fact that you implied that your concerned for people who really hate c!dream and therefore see the torture as payback is really crossing a line. I really hope I misinterpreted that because it sounds like your implying that you think those people would dehumanize people in real life. That is a big assumption to make my friend, not something you can just throw around because you see someone talking bad about a character you emphasize with.
And like I said, I’m saying that while agreeing with your main point. I can say that your right about that being something we shouldn’t do while also knowing that this is about a Minecraft roleplay revolving around a character who canonically abused a 17 year old. The accusation your making is not something you should throw around. Just like people shouldn’t accuse Dream apologists who say bad stuff about c!tommy of being real life abuse apologists. There’s a huge difference about being attached to a character and saying something dumb and doing these things irl.
Also I thought we were past referring to lmanburg as colonization? I’m not sure if that’s what you were doing but That’s a real thing that effects people and not something you can just pin on a couple of white streamer men roleplaying. Someone more equipped then me can explain why they are very much not comparable at all, and why it’s bad to compare it, ill probably butcher it. I saw a good post about it somewhere.
And then onto the stuff that’s more story based and doesn’t matter as much:
- dream very much did plan to keep tommy in the prison cell for life, like I’m pretty sure he flat out said it or at least very heavily implied it during the confrontation, someone probably has a clip.
- I can agree that Sam wasn’t manipulated by dream, but he does have trauma from him, in fact it’s a big part of his arc. Dream would brag about what he did to tommy in exile, laughed in his face after killing tommy, and often screamed at him threatening to kill him as well. It affected sam greatly and is what started his spiral.
- There are other things in your post that I disagree with to some extent but honestly debating lore things isn’t what I’m here for. So we can agree to disagree. I’m not really to concerned about the lore stuff.
just like you were talking about being careful about what you are saying about c!dream because it can hurt people, I will also say to be careful in what you say about c!dream in his favor because it can also hurt people. Please do not forget he very canonically abused, murdered, and threatened to murder teenagers. That’s a touchy subject, especially because it was displayed in such a raw manner. Is he deserveing of abuse because of it? Of course not. Is he unworthy of growth or change? Of course not. Does that mean people have to forgive him or like him or sympathize with him? No. No one is morally required to sympathize with a character, as long as your not saying gross things about them. ( like claiming that they deserve torture! )
Someone saying something in the heat of the moment about a character who reminds them of their abuser does not justify calling them real life dehumanizers, or claiming they are prone to it. It’s not cool. And, I and feel like In liking c!dream (or any character who has done something really morally wrong) you have to make sure to be respectful towards people who have been in those situations. You can like a character without excusing their actions. Not saying your doing that, just a blanket statement.
Also, please take care of yourself. If seeing people criticize or say bad things about a character you like is causing you genuine distress, please take a break. I tend to hyperfixate and project and I know that sometimes it can be a really harmful thing. It helps a lot to take a deep breathe and step away for a few minutes. This is a reminder to everyone else as well to always tag crit. And to clarify, I’m not trying to like drag you through the mud for anything I disagree with in your post. Like trust me I get heat of the moment reactions and not completely thinking through everything you write down. And just blatantly not knowing that something isn’t cool to say. I just want to make sure it’s known that hey, maybe people shouldn’t say _.
If there’s anything in my post that’s wrong I apologize, I’m open to respectful criticism. And also just to finish this off, I know getting critical asks can be upsetting, so if you are genuinely made upset, angry, or anxious by this ask, please just leave it be. Don’t respond, or take a breather before you do. I’m saying this because like I said I just came across this post, I don’t know you or how you tend to react to things so I don’t want to start a huge thing. Just giving my thoughts and crit.
And also because having people yell/be really rude at me makes me very genuinely anxious! Even if it’s anon. Please keep that in mind if you respond (you don’t have to, it’s up to you) You can respond and disagree however much you like, just please don’t be a jerk about it cause I’ll probably cry lol (seriously tho like I said I’m sensitive)
Alright, so first as a quick disclaimer, I’m going to out a summary of the original post’s points, just to ensure that we’re on the same page;
The post does say:
- don’t dehumanize c!Dream because it continuously hurts people who relate to and/or sympathize with him, also dehumanization in general is an inherently wrong mindset
- don’t attack people who sympathize with him because he’s a victim of abuse besides other things
The post never says:
- you cannot hate c!Dream and not sympathizing with him is wrong
- the things c!Dream has done are to any degree excused
- don’t dehumanize c!Dream because he’s a good person
- people who dehumanize c!Dream are real life abuse apologists
If you read the post and didn’t get these points from it, i advise you to reread it as I made pretty much all of these abundantly clear.
I absolutely never said anything about real life abuse apologism. I continuously put (fictional) in front of things to make that point. I don’t know how you got that from the post.
Dehumanization is wrong. Dehumanization of fictional characters on a large scale to the point where people will excuse his abuse is wrong and it hurts people and I will speak out about it. It doesn’t mean people will dehumanize people irl or that they are prone to it, but it’s still wrong.
I never said L’manberg was colonization. I said some people who have had their country colonized relate to him because he had his home torn apart and is desperate to return it back to its original state. This is a completely valid reason to relate to him as it is a pretty big part of the character.
He said he would “put him in the prison”. I don’t remember him saying it would be forever, but he could’ve said that, however I’d like a clip first. He never said he would be stored in the inhumane, main cell, and it makes a lot more sense that he wouldn’t be in there 1) because Dream said it was only a security measure 2) the prisoner was supposed to be able to move around the prison.
I don’t care that the abuser was “traumatized” by the abuse victim telling him of his actions. If I was being tortured mentally and mistreated and neglected physically by a person who hates my guts for weeks I too would probably threaten him. It didn’t start his spiral. His spiral was caused by corruption and possibly hatred, not being “hurt” by c!Dream. c!Dream didn’t cause himself to be abused, that was fully c!Sam’s decision, and saying otherwise is victim blaming (not saying you did that, just putting this point out here).
I do not forget the bad things he’s done. I was there. I saw it. I hated him for it. I still sympathize with him. I still believe he deserves better. I still believe he deserves to get better. I 100% agree with the point that it’s wrong to say someone is required to feel sympathy, as long as they don’t dehumanize him and harass people who do. That was the literal point of the post.
I am one of the many c!Dream fans who get constantly triggered because of how overwhelming the dehumanization is in the community. It’s not being hypersensitive, and I really hope you’re not implying that. It’s a very real issue that should be solved so that people don’t have to “take breaks” because of it.
I don’t care if people hate him or criticize him. I genuinely couldn’t care less. He did disgusting things. I’m used to it. But it is normalized in the community to say stuff about the character that is genuinely triggering, and would be to anyone if people were saying it on a large scale about their favorite character.
Hope this didn’t come off as too aggressive, I have anxiety and I didn’t want to let my feelings bleed into this because that wouldn’t be good for me. Wish you a nice day.
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taehyungiejiminie95 · 3 years
Text
Yoongi - Arranged Marriage
You had tried screaming. You had tried crying. You had trying running away. You had tried fighting. You had tried begging, bargaining, threatening, everything you could possibly think of to stop this from happening, but your parents simply wouldn’t listen. Deep down, you know they love you and only want what is best for you, but this is not how you envisioned them showing it. Seriously, an arranged marriage? To some random business partner’s kid? Were they joking?
No, apparently, as you found out the hard way. Your wedding day was not what you dreamed it would be as a young girl. You barely even had a say in the proceedings – although as you had no say in your husband, this is hardly surprising. At the last minute, you nearly ruined your make up crying in your mother’s arms, pleading with her not to do this. You hadn’t even met the man and you already hate him! Anyone who goes along with this is a terrible person in your eyes and you had no desire of meeting them, let alone marrying them.
Mint green hair. Bad first impression. He couldn’t even give you enough respect to have a reasonable hair colour on your wedding day! Insane. It made you hate him even more. The ceremony passed torturously slowly, and you didn’t look him in the eyes at all in fear you’d burst into tears all over again. You barely managed to choke out your vows, and your hands shook uncontrollably as you exchanged rings. In the blink of an eye but also after an eternity, you were pronounced married, and your new husband (you nearly retch at the thought) pressed a gentle kiss to your lips to seal the deal.
You barely exchanged words for the rest of the night, other than such comments as ‘excuse me’, or ‘no thank you’. All in all, it was just as much of a horrible experience as you expected. You knew then you would never forgive your parents for handing you off in such a way, no matter how lovely they think he is, or whatever good it does for your family’s business and reputation. When your husband opened the car door for you so you could go back to the hotel where you were to be spending the night, you didn’t so much as thank him. At least he had the sense to book a night somewhere with two separate bedrooms, and all you could do was pray he didn’t hear your sobs when you closed your bedroom door behind you, tearing your dress off as you found yourself unable to hold back the tears anymore.
A few weeks passed in much the same way. You didn’t speak to your new husband, and you spent most of your time locked up in one bedroom or another just crying. The two of you were going to the Caribbean for a ‘Let’s Get to Know Each Other’ honeymoon, but you didn’t leave the hotel. When you left your room to use the bathroom, you found warm food on a silver platter, probably put there by room service. So that’s what you did for a week. You probably saw your husband three times in total over that 2-week holiday. Once on the plane out, once on the plane back, and once you accidentally ran into him when you were going back to your room from the bathroom. He had looked at you with wide eyes, filled with a concern you were sure was faked. By the time he had managed to stutter out an apology, you had locked the bedroom door again.
You’re going to have to talk to him soon. You’re married now, just try to make the most of it.
The words ring inside your head now as you sit in what you assume to be one of the guest bedrooms at your new house. You know it’s what your mother would say to you, but you try to cast it out of your head. You haven’t answered any of her texts or calls since the wedding. Nevertheless, though, whoever’s advice it is, it’s right. You’ve sulked for nearly a month now, and you’re getting a bad case of cabin fever locking yourself up all day. It’s becoming hard to remember the last time you felt the sun on your face. With the new resolve that you may be overreacting a tad, you get up and dressed into presentable clothing. Even now you have no desire to seek out your new husband, so you decide to start by walking around the garden. The two of you have been (very generously) gifted a large estate as a wedding present from your families. It has a few acres of land, with ample room to get lost in if you so wish. And you do so wish.
It’s bright outside, and you wince a little as it stings your eyes. You get over the sensation quickly and set off towards the orchard section of the grounds. It’s very well cared for, and when you reach the freshly mowed grass, you can’t help kicking your shoes off to venture further. As a young girl, you loved the feeling of grass tickling your feet, and it brings a ghost of a smile to your face. In hindsight, you always knew this was going to happen. You parents had an arranged marriage, all of your friends too, and the fact has never been hidden from you. It just feels… wrong. It feels like everything was stolen from you. The first date; the first stolen kiss under the moonlight; the butterflies and the shaky knees when he picks you up from your house; meeting his family and being adored by them; him meeting your parents and being given the age-old ‘DAD TALK’; a surprise proposal at a meaningful place; the giddiness of telling everyone, of planning a perfect wedding with the perfect man. Love. You feel like love was stolen from you,
“Your mother told me that the blossom trees are your favourite,” You hear a low voice utter from behind you. You nearly jump out of your skin as your lurch around to see who had followed you so quietly out here. It’s him. Of course, its him. Who else could it have been? With his stupid green hair and his too-expensive tailored suit, “I can see why. This time of year is perfect for them,” He offers you a shy smile. You can see he’s standing at a respectful distance, hands carefully folded in front of him. Very non-threatening. You want to scoff, but something in his face looks a little wary. Nervous,
“Is that why you had them put in? Thought it might soften the blow of a glorified kidnapping?” You question plainly. There’s no venom or harshness in your tone, but the man’s face falls ever so slightly anyway. You should feel bad, but you don’t. He’s as much a part of this as your parents, you’re sure, “It doesn’t,” You turn away and look back to the tress that rustle gently in the summer breeze, “But they are calming. I’ve always thought so,” You add quietly. The most you’ve ever said to your husband. A little longer than your vows, which you had kept blunt and bare. You hear the man shift behind you, his polished shoes making noise on the fallen blossoms as he walks to stand in your eyesight again,
“Look,” He sighs, his composure cracking ever so slightly, “I know this isn’t what you wanted. Your father explained it to my parents very simply that you did not want to wed. I get it. I wasn’t all for having my life picked out for me either,” Your eyes meet his with shock. You didn’t know. You thought he wanted this just as much as they did, “But this is the hand we’ve been dealt. If you want to ignore me and hide away from me, be my guest. By all means, do it. But I’m prepared to make the effort to get on with you. I don’t expect you to fall for me or even particularly like me, but if we can just…” He breaks off to roll his eyes and move his hair out of his face, “If we can just talk to each other once in a while, maybe have dinner on occasion, that would make this a hell of a lot easier,” You blink as his rant apparently ends, and his words hang in the air, filling your ears. You take your time to process it, thinking about what he’s asking. Re-evaluating your assumptions about him. He’s stuck in this situation just as much as you are, but he’s not sulking or crying or hiding. He’s trying to swallow down the truth and get on with it. Could you do the same? Do you want to do the same?
After a while, he assumes you’re just not going to respond. You have this blank look on your face, so he sighs again and makes to stride away. Out of the corner of your eye, you watch his purposeful steps, his head held just a little too high, as if he’s hiding something. Maybe hurt at your rejection. All he wants is to make this easier for the both of you. As he reaches the edge of the lawn, you find the words to call out,
“Dinner sounds nice. I’m in the mood for Italian,” Your husband turns around with a shy smile and nods,
“I could go for some Italian. Come to the dining room at 7. You don’t have to dress up or anything,” You don’t have to dress up? Hmm… maybe you can get along with your new husband. Maybe. It depends what kind of Italian food he gets for you.
Yoongi gives himself a small smile as he walks away. That wasn’t the biggest victory ever, some of his friends who got an arranged marriage didn’t have this problem at all, but it was something. He lets himself into the kitchen and asks the on-site chef to take the rest of the night off and return the following morning instead. You’ve given him a chance to show you this won’t be a complete nightmare, being married to him and all, and he doesn’t want to blow it. He takes a couple deep breaths as he glances around the kitchen. You can’t go wrong with a bit of homemade lasagne. Another tiny smile plays across his lips as he sheds his suit jacket and reaches for an apron. It really has been too long since he last cooked, and what better time to pick it up again that to win over his new wife, the woman he’s going to spend the rest of his life with?
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Shadow Work Prompts Part 2
Hello my loves! I'm going to add some more shadow work prompts (primarily because... Kaye needs to do shadow work and maybe this will convince them to do it. (It won't. We all know it won't. But we can hope....))
I'm gonna put these below the cut just so people don't have to scroll through this long as fuck list on their dash if they don't want to see them lol
Some of these are really, really heavy, and do touch on things like sexual assault, abuse, death, etc., so this is the trigger warning for you.
A lot of these are also focused on women and AFAB folks because I'm trying to reconcile with my femininity and whatnot.
Anne Carson Quotes
You remember too much, my mother said to me recently. Why hold onto all that? And I said, Where can I put it down?
Why does tragedy exist? Because you are full of rage. Why are you full of rage? Because you are full of grief.
Words bounce. Words, if you let them, will do what they want to do and what they have to do.
Eros is an issue of boundaries. He exists because certain boundaries do. ... Eros: the boundary of flesh and self between you and me.
Desire is no light thing.
It is easier to tell a story of how people wound one another than of what binds them together.
Reality is a sound, you have to tune in to it not just keep yelling.
All mortals owe a debt to death.
...sex is a substitute, like money or language.
...your story begins the moment Eros enters you. That incursion is the biggest risk of your life. How you handle it is an index of the quality, wisdom, and decorum of the things inside you.
Myths are stories about people who become too big for their lives temporarily, so that they crash into other lives or brush against gods. In crisis their souls are visible.
Philosophers say man forms himself in dialogue.
There is no person without a world.
If there is anything dearer than being alive, it's dark to me.
We humans seem disastrously in love with this thing... life.
The underworld's a blank and all the rest just fantasy.
Caught between the tongue and the taste.
What is mortality after all but divine doubt flashing over us? For an instant God suspends assent and poof! we disappear.
Girls are cruelest to themselves.
What really connects words and things?
Blessed be they whose lives do not taste of evil
Perhaps the hardest thing about losing a lover is to watch the year repeat its days.
Consider incompleteness as a verb.
You can get used to anything, my mother was in the habit of saying.
I am talking about evil. It blooms. It eats. It grins.
I don't want to be a person. I want to be unbearable.
Beauty makes me hopeless.
The dead... are victims of love, many of them.
To live past the end of your myth is a perilous thing.
You read a hundred military manuals you won't find the word kill they trick you into killing.
I went mad, a god hurt me, I fell.
Those nights lying alone are not discontinuous with this cold hectic dawn. It is who I am.
Love does not make me gentle or kind.
Your grief is as great as your splendor was: some god is weighing the one out equal to the other.
You can never know enough, never work enough, ... never leave the mind quickly enough.
Language is what eases the pain of living with other people, language is what makes the wounds come open again.
Where does unbelief begin?
Everything that is me is with me.
A wound gives off its own light...
I began to think I was someone thirsting for God.
You are a person in love with the impossible.
When we are denied a story, a light goes off.
Some conversations are not what they're about.
I lack myself.
Who knows what will happen if I'm alone with my grief.
I... forbid that you should ever lose your screams.
You are not a god. You are not that enlarged self. Indeed, you are not even a whole self, as you now see. Your new knowledge of possibilities is also a knowledge of what is lacking in the actual.
There is a loneliness that fills the plain.
The women of mythology regularly lose their form in monstrosity.
We live by waters breaking out of the heart.
Time as hunger. Time passing and gazing. Time as perseverance. Mountain time. Time as paper folded to look like a mountain. Time compared to the wild fantastic silence of stars.
What are we made of but hunger and rage?
When I look at you, even for a moment, no speaking is left in me.
Kelly Cherry Quotes
I didn't find my story; it found me.
There is blood everywhere and I am lost in it. I breathe blood, not air.
The story of [their] great-grandfather [or any ancestor]... was [their] own story, too.
Ashe Vernon Quotes
Don't you dare, for one minute, believe that my kindness makes me anything but insurmountable.
Understand that I am not your next victim in a laundry list of broken girls.
I will eat you alive before I let you make a meal of me.
What they don't tell you about standing up for what you believe in is that your feet will bruise and your legs will ache.
I'd like to take a moment to submit a formal apology to my soft parts because they kept me warm when I was trying to freeze to death, and I hated them for it.
I let myself be afraid.
When you learn you are only as good as your beauty routine, you forget how to define yourself by anything else.
I will know how to be vulnerable with you, but I won't know how to not regret it.
I know how to put my body inside someone else's but not how to make it beautiful.
I love better at a distance.
I am as much lion as I am lion tamer.
I got good at inflicting pain the same way I got good at soothing it.
Quit picking old wounds and going tor walks in the aches and pains you already made it through--you call it healing, but it sounds like a good way to take a haunting home with you.
I am a cathedral of almost-lovers
Louise Gluck Quotes
We look at the world once, in childhood. The rest is memory.
I thought that pain meant I was not loved. It meant I loved.
The soul is silent. If it speaks at all it speaks in dreams.
Intense love always leads to mourning.
You will never let go, you will never be satiated.
It will feed you, it will ravish you, it will not keep you alive.
Why love what you will lose? There is nothing else to love.
I speak because I am shattered.
I don't need your praise to survive.
Whatever returns from oblivion returns to find a voice.
Nakedness in women is always a pose. I was not transfigured. I would never be free.
The unsaid, for me, exerts great power.
I am tired of human... I want to live on the sun
Death cannot harm me more than you have harmed me, my beloved life.
There are places like this... you enter as a young girl... you never return.
Writing is a kind of revenge against circumstance, too: bad luck, loss, pain. If you make something out of it, then you've no longer been bested by these events.
The riddle was: why couldn't we live in the mind. The answer was: the barrier of the earth intervened.
It is true that there is not enough beauty in the world. It is also true that I am not competent to restore it. Neither is there candor, and here I may be of some use.
You're not a creature in body. You exist as the stars exist, participating in their stillness, their immensity.
And then, suddenly, something is over.
You must be taught to love me. Human beings must be taught to love silence and darkness.
Sappho Quotes
Someone will remember us/I say/even in another time.
Their heart grew cold. They let their wings down.
What cannot be said will be wept.
What is beautiful is good, and who is good will soon be beautiful
Once again love drives me on, that loosener of limbs, bittersweet creature against which nothing can be done.
Love shook my heart like the wind on the mountain rushing over the oak trees
Love is a cunning weaver of fantasies and fables.
I know not what to do, my mind is divided.
The female creature is a letter.
No holy place existed without us then
She who loves roses must be patient and not cry when she is pierced by thorns.
Because I prayed this word: I want.
If you had a desire for good or beautiful things and your tongue were not concocting some evil to say, shame would not hold down your eyes but rather you would speak about what is just.
Wealth without virtue is no harmless neighbor.
I am weary of all your words and soft, strange ways.
Paisley Rekdal Quotes
Does it offend you to watch me working in it, touching my hands to the greening tips or tearing the yellow stalks back, so wild the living and dead both snap off in my hands?
I can wait longer than sadness.
It is such a small thing to be proud of.
Should I, too, not be loved?
We are even now still so young
I loved him. I loved forgiving him.
Yasmin Belkhyr Quotes
Contrary to wound, I still know nothing of defeat.
Contrary to ache, I still know nothing of guilt.
I help: a good daughter.
Someone always ends up holding something mangled.
It wasn't enough to feel... he had to see, to know.
Adrienne Rich Quotes
There must be those among whom we can sit down and weep and still be counted as warriors.
Lying is done with words, and also with silence
Responsibility to yourself means refusing to let others do your thinking, talking, and naming for you; it means learning to respect and use your own brains and instincts; hence, grappling with hard work.
When a woman tells the truth she is creating the possibility for more truth around her.
My heart is moved by all I cannot save: so much has been destroyed
If you are trying to transform a brutalized society into one where people can live in dignity and hope, you begin with the empowering of the most powerless. You build from the ground up.
Until we know the assumptions in which we are drenched, we cannot know ourselves.
The truth of our bodies and our minds has been mystified to us.
It will take all your heart, it will take all your breath. It will be short, it will not be simple.
You look at me like an emergency.
The unconscious wants truth. It ceases to speak to those who want something else more than truth.
In a world where language and naming are power, silence is oppression, is violence.
There is no 'the truth', 'a truth'--truth is not one thing, or even a system. It is an increasing complexity. The pattern of the carpet is a surface. When we look closely, or when we become weavers, we learn of the tiny multiple threads unseen in the overall pattern, the knots on the underside of the carpet.
The moment of change is the only poem
There is nothing revolutionary whatsoever about the control of women's bodies by men. The woman's body is the terrain on which the patriarchy is erected.
The scars bear witness but whether to repair or to destruction I no longer know.
Not biology, but ignorance of ourselves, has been the key to our powerlessness
What kind of beast would turn its life into words?
Truthfulness, honor, is not something which springs ablaze of itself; it has been created between people.
You touched me in places so deep I wanted to ignore you
Silence can be a plan rigorously executed, the blueprint to a life, it is a presence, it has a history, a form. Do not confuse it with any kind of absence.
Most women have not even been able to touch this anger, except to drive it inward like a rusted nail.
We have lived with violence for so long.
This is my body, take it and destroy it
We have been raised to fear the yes within ourselves, our deepest cravings. And the fear of our deepest cravings keeps them suspect, keeps us docile and loyal and obedient, and leads us to settle for... many facets of our own oppression.
Every journey into the past is complicated by delusions, false memories, false namings of real events.
A language is a map of our failures.
The more I live the more I think two people together is a miracle.
Poetry is, among other things, a criticism of language.
How do you make it, all the way from here to morning?
An honorable human relationship--that is, one in which two people have the right to use the word "love"--is a process, delicate, violent, often terrifying to both persons involved, a process of refining the truths they can tell each other.
You grieve in loneliness, and if I understand you fuck in loneliness.
We write from the marrow of our bones.
The liar has many friends, and leads an existence of great loneliness
We must use what we have to invent what we desire.
William Styron Quotes
We're all in this game together.
In depression this faith in deliverance, in ultimate restoration, is absent. The pain is unrelenting, and what makes the condition intolerable is the foreknowledge that no remedy will come-not in a day, an hour, a month, or a minute.
It is hopelessness even more than pain that crushes the soul
We each devise our means of escape from the intolerable.
Reading--the best state yet to keep absolute loneliness at bay.
Judging whether life is or is not worth living amounts to answering the fundamental question of philosophy.
Let your love flow out on all living things.
Loss in all of its manifestations is the touchstone of depression--in the progress of the disease and, most likely, in its origin.
Kai Cheng Thom Quotes
I wanted to protect you, but I'm starting to think that the best thing you can do for people is teach them how to protect themselves. Every girl needs to be at least a little dangerous.
A sanctuary is a place where the door only locks from the inside.
Sometimes to be somebody else, you have to be nobody first.
You will be able to stop hurting people when you stop hurting yourself.
When you're a child trapped in a situation of physical or psychological depravation, you learn shame as an efficient, elegant mechanism of survival: shame simultaneously shields you from the reality that danger is out of your control (since the problem is not that you're unloved and deprived; it's that you're Bad) and prevents you from doing or saying anything challenging that might provoke a threat.
It's good for you to cry sometimes. Even if there isn't a reason.
When you live in a community of queers, anarchists, & activists, crisis is the baseline and stability an outlier.
You are mine like nothing has ever been before.
Safety is, I believe, an inherently classed, raced, and gendered experience that frequently runs the risk of being used for regressive ends--ironically, for restricting the freedoms of the vulnerable, those who are never really safe. Often, we see the call for safety actually reinforce the power of oppressive institutions, like the police and the prison system, in our lives. When we choose safety over liberation, our movements fail.
When they looked at me and my sister, even their love was hungry.
Some people will cling on to anything that makes them feel even a little bit free.
Forget, if you can, all the promises you've ever made and the lies that you've told.
Once you start hurting people, you can't stop
I feel tired. I don't want to be myself anymore.
Sometimes it's important to be alive.
Sometimes, there is nothing you can do but surrender.
You are always disappearing in the hope of being seen. You are always shrinking to fit into someone else's arms. You are collapsing ever inward, a galaxy to become smaller.
Gregory Orr Quotes
If we're not supposed to dance, why all this music?
Even hell is holy.
I was born with a knife in one hand and a wound in the other.
Maybe she loved me, maybe not--who knows? Not even the gods can see into a human heart--it's that dark.
Writing often reveals us to ourselves, lets us name what's important to us and what has been silent or silenced inside us.
And to live only once--what if that's not enough?
Maybe it was always simple: loss surrounds us. Who would deny it? We ourselves are loss, are lost.
I want to study the book of the world: every vanishing page.
The dead sing us songs I'm learning to answer.
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