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hubbytaeil · 3 years

Note

4, 23, 70 with doyoung

Doyoung + #4 I think I’m in love with you and I’m terrified, #23 Can I kiss you?, #70 I know I should’t but I miss you

genre: angst

word count: 2308

summary: Doyoung thinks him disappearing from your life is best shot you have at happiness, until he is faced with the harsh reality.

ʷᵉ'ʳᵉ ʲᵘˢᵗ ᵗʷᵒ ˢˡᵒʷ ᵈᵃⁿᶜᵉʳˢ ˡᵃˢᵗ ᵒⁿᵉˢ ᵒᵘᵗ

There wasn’t any reason for Doyoung not to accept an invitation to dinner from you. In the few seconds it took him to read your message he seemed to forget how you didn’t talk for months after the announcement of your engagement. He had congratulated you, of course, even if the sight of the astounding rock adorning your hand had broken him down. Perhaps that was when Doyoung realised that, somewhere along the way, to him you had become more than a good friend.

The way your eyes gleamed while glancing at your future husband was the most beautiful yet heart-breaking scene Doyoung had ever witnessed. He truly was happy for you; he was glad to finally see you settling down. Yet, that night, there was bitterness in every sip of champagne, in every laughter exchanged, in every single look he would steal from you from across the table. He avoided the word ‘love’ at all costs when he would explain his situation to his friends, frightened that pronouncing it would make it real. It would’ve made the pain tangible; it would’ve pervaded every corner of his mind; it would’ve made him avoid every street where he could run into you. Doyoung cared for you, that never changed, but he also cared for his heart to remain intact. That night he had walked home alone, his phone in between his fingers, busy typing and deleting everything that would fill the empty message.

‘I think I’m in love with you and I’m terrified.’

Doyoung read the unsent message over and over, but the tipsiness didn’t get the best of him. He took pride in having chosen your happiness instead of his. He quickly deleted the draft. As he made his way down the street, he looked up at the starless sky. He was smiling but there were tears in eyes.

Doyoung could feel his every step get heavier and heavier. Why were you even meeting up in the first place? There were just unsolved questions clouding his mind. Moreover, he was troubling himself by what he was going to say. A part of him wanted to come clean, confess all of his burdens.

I know I shoudn’t but I miss you. That was going to be his opening line. Another part of him would never want you to be part of his despair. You were going to get married and have a beautiful life, it didn’t matter if Doyoung was not going to be in it. He stopped his grave walk when he reached the entrance of the restaurant. You could be seen through the massive glass windows, dressed in your favourite colour which made Doyoung smile to himself. You seemed nervous and it made him uneasy, but the thought of avoiding this encounter didn’t cross him mind long enough for him to turn it into reality. He was glad to finally spend some time with you and get his well-deserved closure.

So Doyoung walked in, like a soldier ready for war. When you raised your gaze to him the outcome of the battle was already decided. Doyoung would’ve lost.

The dinner went surprisingly well compared to Doyoung’s expectations, since you two had a lot to catch up on. He couldn’t help but notice how there were still some topics you hadn’t touched in the least. Not even once you had ever pronounced the words ‘marriage’, ‘fiancé’, ‘reception’ or anything of the sort. Doyoung was contempt enough in listening to your every word and every anecdote regarding work. He couldn't bring himself to bring up the questions he was dying to ask, especially not after seeing that you weren’t wearing your ring. Maybe you just preferred not to wear such an expensive ring all the time, he thought remembering how meticulous you were. Doyoung was sure that there was a logical explanation so he convinced himself not to think about it too much.

“And so, she stormed out of the classroom after I told her she was going to fail my class.”

“I didn’t take you for the teacher who made her students cry.” Doyoung joked after taking a sip of water.

“Well, crying won’t get her anywhere with me. I’ll give her three days before she comes back begging me to help her.” You asserted setting your fist on the table, trying to empathize your point.

“Is this how you treat your fiancé?” Doyoung laughed but this time you didn’t laugh with him. The comment had come out unexpectedly and he knew it was a mistake as soon as he looked at your eyes slowly losing their light. You stayed impassive for what felt like the longest seconds in Doyoung’s life. Silence, filled by the clicking of glasses and inaudible chatter that only amplified the gut feeling that something was wrong.

You gazed at your plate and then at Doyoung, beaming at him.

“That’s just how I treat everybody, you know me.”

Doyoung exhaled at your answer that only left him with more doubts. But he also was glad that those past months hadn’t thrown your friendship in the scrapheap. You know me. He repeated those words in his head over and over. Yes, I know you.

“Jungwoo told me he saw you the other day.” Doyoung quickly tried to change the subject, clearly, he hadn’t succeeded in doing so. You let out an embittered chuckle.

“Did he tell you why he saw me?”

Needless to say, Doyoung was starting to break a sweat as he felt like you were a riddle impossible to solve.

“No, actually he didn’t. Did something happen?” He stressed the last sentence as much as he could, as if to say you can tell me anything, you know it. He kept his eyes on you for as long as he could, afraid of your every movement. Afraid that you might even dissolve into thin air if he looked away for too long.

“I called him to help me move out.”

“But I thought you already lived with Jaehyun.” You smiled at yourself, not looking directly at the man sitting in front of you, setting your eyes on the hands of the bartender pouring bourbon inside an old man’s glass. Doyoung was a good a person, you always knew that, someone who always looked at the bright side of things. A person that, when tragedy stroked, was ready to sweep away the broken pieces.

“Oh.” Doyoung finally saw the bigger picture and felt a little ashamed, even if all he did was just not running directly to worst case scenario.

“Yeah, it was pretty rough. But don’t worry, we’re on good terms now. I got a nice new apartment all by myself, nice view and all.” You were smiling, yet the curve of your lips looked like scar. Doyoung’s heart was pounding restlessly in his chest at the thought of you going through that awful situation alone. He remembered that incredible woman he had saw months prior at her engagement party. He couldn’t see her anymore and it made him weak.

“Are you going to be okay?” Doyoung took your hand in his, noticing how cold it was. He observed how you studied that small gesture of sympathy. He wondered if someone had even asked you a question like that lately.

“I will try.” That response was enough for Doyoung, you were still the person he had grown to love. He was determined to keep what was left of your fire alive.

“I know you will.” Doyoung’s grip tightened softly. “I know you.”

Doyoung agreed on getting some fresh air after dinner.

You had gone past the uncomfortable conversation about how Jaehyun had realised only after popping out the question that he wasn’t ready for marriage.

“Well, he always looked kind of indecisive.”

“I guess we got the final proof.” It was wonderful for Doyoung to hear your laughter again, even when it came from a place of self-pity.

“I know someone has probably said this to you already, but he doesn’t know what he’s missing.” Doyoung affirmed, as sternly as he could. He saw you curiously eyeing at him, then you delicately put your arm in his.

“Actually, you’re the first one to say that. Thank you.” you stated, hiding a hint of melancholy in your voice. Doyoung kept you at his side, walking with you along the river promenade. How lucky he felt to be with you like this, he questioned how someone could simply let go such a wonderful person.

“Why did you never reach to me after... you know...” you suddenly asked leaving Doyoung dumbstruck.

“I just... thought you’d be too busy.”

“For seven months?” he was taken back by your precise memory, then he remembered who he was talking to.

“You didn’t reach out to me either.” Doyoung pointed out.

“I was going to... but then one day I saw you on the street.”

Doyoung got a lump in his throat.

“I called your name and you turned the other way.” your voiced trembled. Your steps stopped; you were now face to face. Doyoung couldn’t run away anymore.

“Y/n...”

“Was it something I said? Something I’ve done? Please Doyoung, I’ve been torturing myself for months, thinking about what I could’ve done wrong.” Cold tears made their way across your cheeks. As Doyoung witnessed this he couldn’t help feel ashamed. He had been haunting your mind, while all he had done was pushing you away. He put a hand on his mouth overwhelmed by everything that was being uncovered.

“You did nothing wrong, y/n.” his voice wasn’t stable, another word and he knew it would’ve been the end.

“Then why do you hate me?!” you sobbed, unable to contain yourself. You went on, uttering sentences, that would lose their direction in the middle, on how bad you had felt when Doyoung had stopped talking to you, how terribly alone and humiliated you had felt when Jaehyun had called off the engagement while you were visiting your family, how you wished you could’ve just called him during that awful period, until all one could hear were broken sobs. That’s when Doyoung broke.

“It was too painful knowing that you were someone else’s!” Doyoung shouted, fists tight as tears rolled down his face as well.

“I couldn’t bear the thought of you walking down the aisle to a man that wasn’t me, I thought it would’ve been better to step aside. But I never hated you, I could never. God, I could never hate you. And now I realise how my decision has hurt the both of us.”

Your sobs slowly ceased, Doyoung tried to make sense of your reaction. You stood there in front of him, wiping your cheeks, hesitant on what to say. Doyoung’s head lowered, feeling guilty for the pain he had caused you.

“Why didn’t you tell me right away?” you finally spoke but he still couldn’t look at you in the eyes.

“It was too late when I realised how I felt about you.” He sighed turning to the side, his dark eyes reflecting in the city lights.

“How late?” you almost chuckled at the last word but you refrained yourself.

“On the day you announced that you were getting married.” He noticed your body getting stiff at the confession.

“Doyoung...”

“You looked so beautiful, so happy. I wish had taken a picture, Jesus. After I saw that ring on your finger, I just wanted to disappear. But I only caused you pain and-”

You wrapped your arms around him before he could finish his sentence and tear up again. You held him closely, burying your face in the crook of his neck.

“You suffered too Doyoung. God, I feel so stupid.”

“Don’t say that.”

“I should’ve known.”

You stayed entangled, in between sobs and a few reassuring words. It felt like putting together the broken pieced again. Doyoung eventually leaned back and look at you as you attempted to fixed your now ruined make up. He chuckled softly telling you that there was no need and that you looked gorgeous either way. His tender smile was replaced by a shocked expression when you pressed your palm on his cheek. When he perceived you leaning forward his mind went blank. Before you could get any closer you stopped.

“Can I kiss you?” you whispered gently and he thought it was all a dream. If he had rubbed his eyes he would’ve woken up, you would’ve been no longer close enough for him to hear your heartbeat. Therefore, he could only bring his hand on your waist and wrap you even closer to him and hope that he would never wake up. You smiled tenderly after getting his permission. Slowly you united your lips in a sweet peck. It wasn’t a dream. His grip on you was firm as your lips passionately let go of all their fears, of all the unspoken secrets. Doyoung took his time with you, rejoicing in every kiss, making them last for as long as he could. It was home. It was the right place to be. You delivered one sweet kiss before leaning back to admire Doyoung’s peaceful expression.

“What happens now?” Doyoung asked, caressing your lower back. What happens now? You hand travelled to his chest so that he could squeeze you in even tighter.

“I don’t know.” You aligned his face to his, your noses touching. “But that’s not necessarily a bad thing. We can decide. So how about we start over?”

Doyoung beamed at you looking like the happiest man who had ever walked the Earth. He freed himself from your embrace, leaving rather disoriented.

“Nice to meet you, I’m Doyoung.” he exclaimed, putting his hand forward. You wasted no time before shaking it.

“Nice to meet you too, I’m y/n.”

#doyoung au #doyoung scenarios #doyoung imagines #doyoung drabbles #nct au #nct scenarios #nct imagines #nct drabble #doyoung angst #doyoung fluff #nct 127 imagines #nct 127 scenarios #nct dream imagines #kim doyoung

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stressisakiller · 3 years

Text

The Verdict

Bucky Barnes x Reader Soulmate AU

(Hello Sunflower Part 11)

Summary: It’s time to be judged, but like always, nothing is ever easy.

Warnings: refences to torture. Murder. and cussing

Word Count: 2k

A/N: A short chapter this time. I may end up rewriting this chapter and the last chapter, but we will see Let me know what you think and if you have any requests for future chapters! Thank yall for reading!’

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The trials began the Monday after you were saved from Hydra. All of the Avengers were being called in for questioning, which was ridiculous but sadly needed. Nat’s was the worst so far, as she always told you, she has a lot of red in her ledger but so did you. You knew that she hated all of the things she had done in the past and you knew having to answer for all of them was affecting her more than she would like to admit.

Today it was your turn, to say that you were nervous would be an understatement but you weren’t one to back down from a challenge. Walking into the courtroom, you could feel everyone’s eyes on you. You wore a nicer version of your usual attire but you were not going to try to put on a show for these people. If they were going to judge you they would be judging the real you. You knew that you were a sight, with the bruises and cuts that covered your face and arms. You stared forward as you walked towards the judge, not letting anyone see how nervous you really are.

The judge called you to the stand, you placed your hand on a bible, swearing that you would say the truth the whole truth nothing but the truth. You sat down at the stand and looked around at the people that had your future in their hands. Some of them looked nervous like they were afraid of you, but some of them looked calm, only one or two were openly glaring at you. You took that as a win. The questioning began.

“Tell the jury your name and your affiliation with Hydra.” You stared at the prosecutor for a moment before answering, why did he look familiar?

“My name is Y/N Stark,” you heard gasps from some of the people in the audience. “When I was born I was stolen from my family, they believed me dead. I was raised by one of their lead scientists. He told me that he was my father and since he was all that I knew I believed him. He worked for Hydra and raised me in and around a Hydra base. When I was ten they injected me with the super-soldier serum that they had also used on Bucky Barnes. I was brainwashed as used as their soldier.” Your voice was steady as you spoke, not allowing the nerves that you felt to be evident.

“After they brainwashed you they sent you on assignments? Mostly to assassinate people seen as threats to Hydra. Is that correct?” His voice held disdain for you and you swore you could hear a twinge of glee as he spoke. Your brow furrowed momentarily, why does his voice sound familiar. Something about him struck a chord in your memories but it was fuzzy.

“That is correct, however, due to the fact that they placed me in a machine that they affectionately and accurately called the blender, I had no control over my mind.”

“Would you please tell the jury what exactly this “blender” did?” he seemed to revel in your discomfort.

“It was a machine that you were strapped into, a rubber piece was shoved into your mouth so that you wouldn’t break your jaw, and electrical currents were forced through your head until all that was left was a terrible blankness.” your voice slowly falling as you spoke, the images of your father watching with glee as you were strapped to it several days ago.

“So they erased your mind?” he seemed incredulous at the possibility, “then how, pray tell, were they able to force you to do missions?” You stared at the man in front of you in disbelief, you had long ago learned how to read the emotions of others, he thought you were lying.

“After wiping us, they had a series of trigger words that would activate the soldier that they had programmed into us. The soldier's main purpose and mission was to serve Hydra. They would do anything to accomplish that.” the iron in your voice seemed to surprise him, he hadn’t expected you to fight back. He thought that you would just roll over and let them punish you for crimes that you had no choice in.

“You mean that they had full control over you? Please explain.” You bit back your anger, you couldn’t let this man anger you, if he succeeded then your cause was lost.

“Imagine being in a taxi,” eyebrows furrowed throughout the courtroom, that was not what they expected to fall from your lips, “you are in the backseat and there is a piece of bulletproof glass between you and the driver. Now imagine that this driver, driving like a maniac and hitting innocent people. But you, you’re stuck in the backseat, the doors are locked and no matter how hard you pound on that glass or how loudly you scream, you can’t make the driver stop. That is what it feels like for us when the soldier is in control.” the pain from your nails digging into your palms is what grounded you, the feeling in the pit of your stomach grew, something in his eyes was shifting, as if he was deciding something.

“Well then, do you remember what your trigger words are?” his eyes seemed to glint in the harsh light of the room. You simply shook your head,

“I have never known, once I hear the first one all I am able to focus on is the pain.”

“Let me remind you then…” a terrible grin took over his face as he spoke the first word. Pain. You were so fucking tired of the pain this brought and by the men that believed that you were nothing more than their tool. He spoke fast, the words rolling off his tongue in Russian and all you could do was clench your fists and wait it out.

“Ready to Comply.” The words felt natural on the soldier’s lips, always there, always ready. The weaselly man in front of you had the audacity to smirk at the soldier.

“Am I speaking to the soldier or to the girl.” his eyebrow raised as he spoke

“The soldier.” Her voice was colder than yours, emotionless.

“Good,” he clapped his hands together, his smile widening, “I have a mission for you, kill them.” Her eyes snapped to his, watching his reaction as the soldier spoke.

“There is only one mission,” her words were clipped, eyes narrowing as she spoke, “you have no control over me.” He blanched, stepping back as if struck,

“I am your master, you will listen to me.” his voice was raised as if he was trying to command her by sheer volume. The rest of the courtroom was watching the interaction in shock, no one dared move. Bucky watched in concern but knew that this was your battle and he would only intervene if absolutely necessary. You and the soldier stared at the man in front of you, seemingly calm, but there was a fire in your eyes.

“Fuck you. Did you really think that I was able to escape while Hydra was still able to control me with words?” The fire in your voice was barely contained, as you spat the words at him.

“You are my soldier and I demand that you listen to and obey me!” His face was turning red in anger, a fact that you and the soldier found funny.

“Bold of you to assume that I didn’t come to terms with my demons, I am both the soldier and the girl. I have been since the tattoo showed up, nothing that you could do to me affected me anymore except to cause me pain. Why do you think so many of your targets got away, or the fact that I never showed you any bodies? I am no longer under Hydra’s control, I have made peace with the soldier inside of me, we now have only one mission, and it has nothing to do with hydra.” your teeth were clenched as you spoke, fighting the urge to kill the man in front of you, instead you stood. “Men and women of the Jury as well as everyone else present. This man is Hydra, he wanted me to kill you, trying to use the brainwashing methods that they have used on me in the past. I am no longer the woman that I was back then. Neither is Bucky, the man who will be on trial before you tomorrow. We were forced to become soldiers and assassins. We had our memories and emotions ripped from us, in the most painful way imaginable. They placed words in us that would make us their puppets that we have only recently been able to get rid of. I was forced to cover my soul mark from fear of them using it against me. I was tortured in more ways than you can imagine I have been broken and pieced back together so many times that I no longer knew who I was until I was able to escape. I was forced to watch myself kill my parents and have no control over my body as I did. Yes, Bucky and I have committed a multitude of sins. But trust me when I saw that his 70 years and my 30 years under the thumb of Hydra, with no memories and no control, is enough atonement for those sins. But all the same, we will spend the rest of our days with the Avengers, saving as many lives as we can to pay for the ones that we were forced to take.”

The whole room was silent at your words, all of them surprised by the confidence and power that you exuded. The judge called for the man from Hydra to be taken and put into custody and then called for the Jury to go speak and decide the verdict. You were allowed to leave the stand and go sit by Bucky, reaching for his hand as soon as you sat. No one else could see how much you were shaking except the man beside you, you just wanted this day to be over. You wanted to be back in Tony’s lab eating chocolate and drinking coffee while watching him work. The Jury was gone for an hour, an hour of worry and fear. They filed back in, the lead handing their verdict to the judge. He asked for you to stand.

“In the case of Y/N vs the united states and Bucky vs the united states” your eyes widened in surprise, they weren’t supposed to decide for Bucky until tomorrow. Hearing his name Bucky calmly stood up beside you. “The jury finds the defendants innocent of all charges. Due to the evidence that the defendants were not acting according to their own will. The jury states that no more action will be necessary as long as the defendants agree to remain as part of the Avengers saving lives instead of ending them”

He read out the verdict as if he was ordering a Sunday lunch as if it were nothing to him that you were now free. You felt your legs begin to tremble, almost giving out under you before you are pulled into a crushing hug by Bucky and then Tony. You were finally free.

Tagged users: @calwitch @writerwrites

#winter solider fanfiction #winter solider x reader #bucky barnes fanfiction #bucky barnes imagine #bucky x y/n #bucky imagine #bucky barnes #bucky x reader #james buchanan barnes #james buchanan bucky barnes #hello sunflower

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invaderlynx · 4 years

Text

Booker and La Campagne de Russie

I just watched The Old Guard and honestly, it was one of the best movies I’ve seen in a VERY long time. Of course, now I’m having all sorts of thoughts about the whole thing and particularly about Booker because his backstory intersects perfectly with my historical interests. I know that all the immortals in The Old Guard have experienced all sorts of terrible trauma, but because I am a history major with an affinity for the Napoleonic period, especially the Russian Campaign (and because Booker is my favorite character), I’d like to give you guys an idea of just what sort of torture he faced even before the pain of losing his family (also for fair warning, I have not read the comics):

Please place yourself in Booker’s shoes. You are one of over 600,000 men mustered to march into Russia. You’re serving in an army you never wanted to join, taking up arms for the glory of an empire that’s never done anything for you. You’ve been separated from your three beloved sons and your wife whom you love more than life itself, and have been sent off to fight in a foreign land that’s nothing like the home you’ve left behind. That much becomes evident immediately.

The invasion starts in the summer of 1812 and it is hot, unseasonably hot. You feel it, laboring as you are under the thick heavy materials of your sweat-soaked uniform. Each step is its own torture in the heat as you struggle through mud left behind by hard summer rains. More than a few men kill themselves at this point and although this is just the beginning, you can hardly blame them. Some of your comrades get the bright idea to start discarding some of their extra layers of clothing—underthings and the like. Perhaps you join them, anything to lighten the load. You can’t be expected to carry all this over the long miles ahead. You’ll live to regret that decision.

The fighting itself is worse than the conditions. You never quite get used to the violence. No matter how many times you’re thrust into battle, your mouth still goes dry, your heart still thunders as loud as the military drums’ tattoo, you still choke on that thick gunpowder smoke. You nearly threw up the first time you killed with a bayonet. You remember sticking the man in between the ribs, a swift stab and he is bleeding out. It is only then that you see his face and realize just how young he is. He is a boy, maybe a few precious years older than your eldest. He cries as he falls. You didn’t speak Russian at the time but you didn’t need to to recognize the word “Мама”.

The only thing that makes it possible to keep putting one foot in front of the other (besides your family, of course) is your comrades-in-arms. Against all odds, you’ve found friendship here, men with whom you can share stories and jokes and drinks. You find a few men of around your own age with families, wives and children that they lovingly speak of, but many of these soldiers are young, young enough to be your sons, far too young to be out here slaughtering and being slaughtered. Over your meager meals you tell stories of home and it is enough to hold off the impending horror, at least for a moment. When that doesn’t work, you turn to drink. You drink an awful lot.

The conditions of this foreign land are mercurial at best and your woes are only compounded by your lack of proper supplies. The Russians have been scorching nearly everything in the wake of their retreat, making it difficult for you to forage for food. Your search parties turn up very little by way of provisions and your food supply continues to fall in tandem with the temperature.

Borodino is hell. You see the man to the right of you receive a cannonball to the chest and fall in a spray of red, you see the man to the left crumple as a shot rips through his handsome, hard-lined face. One of your friends, one of those boys that you’d come to regard as a surrogate son who was barely old enough to grow hair on his chin, catches a bullet in the leg. He dies in agony four days later, one of the thousands of casualties of that damned battle. In your lowest moments, you wish you would have joined him.

You were never a particularly happy man, even before the war. Prone to fits of melancholia, they would have said back then. Your darling wife and your three sons certainly helped to alleviate that heavy, aching emptiness that resided in your chest, but it never went away, not fully. It resurfaces with a vengeance now. Sitting with your gun in your hands and far too much liquor in your belly, you think about ending it all. How easy it would be to put a bullet in your brain and finally die. In the end, it’s your family that saves you again. You may not want to live for yourself, but for them- for them you can keep fighting. Besides, Moscow is only 70 miles away and once you take the ancient capital, Russia will have no choice but to surrender. That’s what everyone is saying and you force yourself to believe that it’s true.

Moscow was a lie. You took the capital but there was no peace. There was no food either. The Russians took it all when they abandoned the place, leaving almost nothing for your starving army. Nothing but liquor, which you are very grateful for at least. Your superiors probably aren’t, you think wryly as you raise the bottle to your lips and drink, drink, drink.

Moscow passes in a drunken haze for you. You drown yourself in Russian booze, drinking yourself absolutely insensate. There are entire days you spend propped up against the wall of some ramshackle Russian establishment, surrounded by empty bottles, too drunk to even stand. You remember bits and pieces, shattered memories drifting in and out of the fog. The looting and the things you took (a fine scarf, a silver flask, maybe more), a ladies’ fur shawl wrapped about your shoulders to keep out the chill, the burning heat of a terrible fire and the screams in French and Russian, the acrid taste of bile in your mouth as you splutter sick all over yourself only to raise the bottle to your lips again for another drink. In the end, you’re forced to leave Moscow as the position becomes untenable, the abandoned city burned to a shell of its former self. You never do learn who first started the fire, even years after the fact.

The retreat is hell on Earth, worse than anything else that came before. La Grande Armée is hardly an army any longer, you’ve lost practically all discipline. By now, you’re just a bunch of exhausted, cold, starving men who want nothing more than to just make it home alive. Most of them won’t. The temperatures have dropped to below freezing at this point and you are wishing more than anything that you still had those infernal layers that caused you so much pain in the summer months. The clothing you and your comrades drunkenly plundered in Moscow—silken scarves stolen from abandoned trunks, heavy furs pilfered from store inventories, ladies’ shoes that hurt your feet but do a better job of keeping out the slush than your tattered boots—help, but not enough. Your fingers stiffen to near icicles in the cold as you try your damnedest to massage even a little warmth back into them, your face is wind-chapped and scabbed. You feel as though your very marrow has frozen, and you are one of the lucky ones. Men freeze to death in their sleep in less than an hour. Fifty men will sit down at a fire and only the twenty or so closest will ever get back up again. You all begin to loot the bodies of the dead and—as you grow more desperate—the dying as well. Corpses are stripped naked and left in the snow as the survivors squabble over their threadbare uniform pieces. Sometimes the corpses still twitch and moan but you try to ignore that.

There’s no food either. In addition to freezing, you’re starving too. The lot of you fight and quarrel over moldy crusts of bread, and in some cases even kill each other for them. The more clever turn to other sources to fill their writhing, empty stomachs. Some eat their boots, but there isn’t much leather left in any case. Some carve their meals off the horses as they walk, tearing bits of bleeding flesh off of the warm, moving flanks in a short-sighted attempt to get even a few morsels of meat in their bellies. Others, in mad desperation as the march (if you can even call it that any longer) wears on, turn to each other.

Perhaps you take part in this, perhaps you don’t. Perhaps you sidle a man out of the way to get closer to the fire, perhaps you take a coat off a corpse that you don’t know for sure is dead yet, perhaps you accept a piece of meat that you do not quite know the origin of. Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps…

In the end it doesn’t matter. You die anyway. You don’t really remember how it happened the first time. Maybe you were finally picked off by the advancing Russians, maybe it was exposure, exhaustion, starvation, sickness, any of the hundred ways that you could die in this frozen wasteland. All you know is that one moment you were on your feet, shambling mutely forward, the next you were lying on the icy ground, gasping air back into lungs that had fallen completely still. Four faces are burned into your memory and from one you can still hear the gurgling, watery screams.

That’s when the dreams start, after that first death. Though, you wouldn’t classify them as dreams, they’re far more alike to nightmares. You see that screaming, drowning woman often. You feel her fear as she slams her body against her metal coffin. Even awake you can’t get the sound of her choking out of your head. Sometimes there are soft moments interspersed with the horror. You see a woman with short hair (it reminds you of a coiffure à la victime) laughing, you see two men resting in each others’ arms, foreheads pressed together gently, blissfully happy. To be quite honest, these ones hurt worst of all because they make you regret ever waking up.

You die a few more times before you finally decide to desert. You can’t take it anymore. That tyrant Bonaparte has abandoned this army, why can’t you? You take flight under the cold cover of night, trying to get to the Russian border. You don’t make it very far. You are dragged back—aching, tired, and hungry—and are hanged by the road as a deserter. Perhaps there still is a little discipline left in these ranks, at least enough to allow these soldiers to kill their comrades in the name of orders. You have to wait three days for the road to clear before you can finally run. In that time your body is almost entirely picked clean by looters. You continue your desperate trek back home in spite of it all and die many more times in the weeks (or was it months?) that follow. It never gets any easier.

It’s near the border into Prussia that you finally meet one of the figures from your dreams. Perhaps it is the woman with the short hair who offers you a drink and a coat to put around your shoulders, and tells you bluntly but not unkindly that you’re immortal. Perhaps it is the curly-haired man who helps hold you upright when you stumble and is careful and caring with his words as he gently explains the situation. Perhaps it is his lighter-haired lover who catches you when you fold in on yourself from the weight of his words and offers you affirmations and condolences in a voice reminiscent of a priest. Whoever it is, they ask you to come with them and explain that there are others like them- like you out there.

“What about my family?” you stutter out, almost unconscious of the words as the tumble from your mouth “My wife? What about them?”

They favor you with a sad smile and try to explain, but you will hear none of it. They do not stop you when you tell them that you are going home, and you are glad for it.

With the supplies they give to you, you manage to hobble your way back home. You’ve been taken for a dead man, you realize, everyone you pass seems to think you’re a ghost. You don’t care. You only have one person on your mind.

Your wife answers the door dressed in black. She starts to cry when she sees you and throws her arms around your neck. You nearly crumple, weak as you are. “Bastien, Bastien,” she sobs against your shoulder “What happened?”

That question fills you with icy dread. Your stomach drops as you realize you cannot explain to her what you’ve been through, not in a way that she’ll understand. Even if you explain the immortality and she believes you, she won’t understand the horrors you’ve seen. No one will. A soldier’s burden.

You stay silent and instead cradle her closer as your boys appear in the doorway. You have them and, for now, that is enough. You won’t forget, you will never forget, but for now at least you have this.

#there we go #i made myself sad #you see what this poor bastard had to go through #it does not excuse what he did #not in the slightest #but it explains why he wants to die at least #there are very few things that i would want to go through less than the russian campagne #the old guard #tog #sebastien le livre #booker #andromache the scythian #yusef al kaysani #niccolo di genova #quynh

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llendrinall · 3 years

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What if the golden trio + Draco magically get sucked into a universe where Riddle was killed before the potters were. And they grow up from babes to adulthood not remembering anything until they suddenly get their memories when each reach the age of 21 and ohh imagine how hard itd be on each's parents cuz they dont know whats wrong and all. Then bam Ron shows up engaged to a muggleborn he never spoke to in school and Harry and Draco are spotted on a date in a muggle zoo. The Malfoy's flip and so do the Potters.

It'd be a lovely story of healing, connecting and love and honesty I think they deserve it after the shit they went through.

The memories come to them in dreams. At first it’s just a strange, upsetting, dream that has a bit more consistency than dreams usually have and that lingers through the day while dreams fade away before you get out of bed. By the third night they have almost all the memories back, each dream slotting nicely with the previous one. Harry is understandably freaked out. He makes a quick trip to Godric’s Hollow to go hug his parents and then spends a lot of time looking at the one family photo they have in the living room, the one in which Harry and Dudley were seven. He stares at Petunia’s smile and wonders whatever happened to give him such horrible ideas about his aunt.

He and Ron are friends, living together as they went through the Auror training and now in their first year working as Aurors. Harry talks to Ron because he can’t shake that horrible feeling of dread; all the things he could lose or maybe all the things he has lost. That’s when they realize they have the same freaking memories, the same dreams, down to the nasty details like Ron leaving during the horcrux hunt or Harry being kind of a jerk about Ginny.

Ron, being Ron, is blessed with an eminently practical and down to earth sense of life. The dreams are strange and it would be very interesting to learn how come they got the same dream-memories, if something happened to their other selves and why are they suddenly remembering now. All those are very good and valid questions that someone should investigate. For now, Ron is going to find Hermione Granger and do whatever it takes to make her fall in love with him so he can marry her.

It turns out that Hermione has been getting the same dreams, the same memories, and when Harry and Ron – those two classmates she was friendly with but not super close to – come knocking on her door, she cries and she doesn’t know if it sadness for what they lost of joy to have them back. Ron once again shows his superior sense by grabbing her hand and saying that yes, this might be a super duper weird spell, and yes Hermione is right to suspect it and want to know why and where it came from, and yes, there may be some dark forces playing around; but none of that changes the fact that he loves her and even if the memories proved to be fake he will still love her because she has the courage and smarts to suspect the meaning of these memories and basically what Ron is trying to say is that he loves all iterations of Hermione. Sorry, but she is stuck with him.

They get married that same day, with Harry acting as a witness. Then they go tell their respective families. The Grangers take it surprisingly well and don’t even threaten Ron with dismemberment if he ever hurts Hermione. Instead, they ask him to do right by her. Ron, who might be going a bit mad, makes a vow of devotion and loyalty with his actual knee on the floor and the Grangers love it. They named their only daughter Hermione, of course they love it when an actual chivalric hero comes into their living room.

The Weasleys are a different thing. They know enough about magic to be suspicious of the sudden memories. Mrs Weasleys gives Hermione the stink eye because, to be honest, this sounds a lot like a love-potion. It’s only because Harry is there with the same memories and no wish to marry Hermione that Mrs Weasley doesn’t call the Wizarding Patrol immediately. Also, the twins and Ginny dislike Hermione. The twins slightly less so because they only had to suffer her as Prefect for a year, but for Ginny it was three long years of Hermione barring her from hexing and/or beating people. It was very frustrating and she blames Hermione for every pimple she got during that time. If Ginny had been allowed to hex Parkinson or Malfoy of freaking Finch-Fletchley every time they were their annoying selves, Ginny would have been much calmer and mellower and her skin would have reflected it.

So the Weasleys are not happy but there isn’t much they can do about it other than keep a close look on Hermione and wait for Ron to see reason.

It is a very busy weekend to say the least. On Monday Harry has vertigo because the week seems awfully empty (disarming a blood hex and capturing its creator, ppft, what is that for someone who remembers fighting Voldemort?). Harry would rather have his hours full so he won’t be overwhelmed by his thoughts. There is so much death in the memories! His parents, Sirius, Remus, Peter, even Regulus who is profoundly weird and very snobbish but James insists on inviting him to events and he keeps coming despite how uncomfortable he looks. They are all dead in Harry’s memories.

There is also Malfoy, who is even more of a jerk in the memories and who grew up to become an actual Death Eater like his father, someone who almost killed Dumbledore and who, when the time came, saved Harry’s life with a lie.

On Thursday the Auror office receives a call of dark activity in Minaford Park, which is where Draco Malfoy is living these days. Harry takes the assignment and makes quick work of the boggart and the ghoul that somehow were trapped under the stairs and were screaming at each other. As excuses go, it’s not too bad. Harry is certain that Draco could have done it himself, but it is messy enough that it seems believable that he would prefer someone else to fix it for him.

Draco offers Harry tea, which he accepts. There is a very odd tension in the air. Draco is down to his shirt sleeves and has shadows under his eyes and when he looks at Harry… It can’t be said that he looks at him funny. Draco was his usual snobbish self while he watched Harry getting rid of the creatures. But there is something in his eyes when Harry takes a seat and accepts the tea cup. Something almost like sorrow.

No, not sorrow.

Compassion.

“Look, Potter”, Draco says. “I am too old to start having prophetic dreams, but this affects you directly. You figure out if someone is playing with a timer-turner or what, here it goes.” And he tells Harry everything.

As one could expect, Minaford Park has a very beautiful garden. Draco and Harry spend hours after lunch walking through it. Ah, yes, Harry stayed for lunch. Draco insisted. He still had things to tell Harry and he was growing hungry.

They meet again on Saturday, ostensibly so Harry can tell Draco what he and Hermione had learned. Ron says he doesn’t give a damn where the memories came from. He only cares what he can do with them and so far he seems to be doing pretty well, having married Hermione and encouraged Bill to ask Fleur Delacour out. Hermione and Harry are a bit more worried, but Harry will admit the research effort goes 30-70% in Hermione’s favour.

Talking with Draco is good. He seems to share the same dread as Harry. Draco confesses that he is not happy with his conduct, or rather the conduct of the Draco that could be. He talks a lot about the fear and nausea at having the Dark Lord in his house, the smell of despair that took over the manor, the mad glint in his aunt Bellatrix’s eyes. Since Draco talks about his aunt, about seeing her mad and cruel and talking proudly about torturing the Longbottoms, Harry feels that he can talk about his own aunt Petunia and Draco will understand. Lily and Petunia don’t have the closest relationship, but to think that she could treat Harry like that…

The Sunday visit to the zoo isn’t a date. As soon as Hermione learns that Draco also has the memories she assigns work pairs and tasks. She sends Harry and Draco to check the reptiles in case they see something like Nagini in there. Both of them have the most memories of her. They should be able to recognize the snake.

Nagini is there and she is surprisingly cognizant for a snake which makes them suspect that she might be a horcrux. The discovery leaves them cold, a new kind of vertigo opening before them. They didn’t live through it, they are only memories, but the exhaustion of the war feels real and they don’t want to go through anything similar again.

Draco asks to go see the penguins and it might seem silly and contradictory, but watching them helps a lot to keep the chill from Nagini away. Neither can tell who initiated, but while in there they begin to hold hands. They go to see the butterflies next, which are in the next pavilion, and suddenly everything in the world looks much better. They don’t kiss when they part, but the way they look at each other is worth at least three kisses.

On Monday Harry receives a short message from Remus that simply says he has sequestered the Prophet’s copy but he doesn’t know how long he can keep Harry’s parents from seeing the news. Harry takes the morning off work and goes to Godric’s Hollow immediately so they can learn about Draco from him rather than the salacious gossip column.

James simply says, “MALFOY? You… MALFOY!?”.

He seems upset. Then he freezes and for the next ten minutes James says nothing. He doesn’t move. He is just there, in the kitchen, one hand in the air and the other holding a cup of tea that is growing cold.

“Harry, dear, I want you to come to dinner today.” Lily says. She has a worried frown but is otherwise unperturbed. “And tell us everything about those memories. Even the bad bits. This is important. It can be dangerous.”

“Yes! Dinner!” James screams, suddenly unfreezing. “Bring him to dinner. Tonight.”

“What?”

“No, you are right. It might be too formal, too soon. Quidditch, then. Does he like Quidditch? He must. I remember you complaining about him while you were in school.”

“He… likes Quidditch, yes.” Harry says hesitantly because even now he is not sure if his dad is talking about Draco.

“Perfect. We shall go see a Quidditch match, the three of us.”

“James.” Lily warns.

“Does anybody in this house know when the next Quidditch match is?” James cries over his wife’s warning that he is doing it again, just like with Sirius.

“Saturday.” Remus says.

“That’s too late! When is Sirius back?”

“Wednesday.” Answers Remus and despite his transformation exhaustion he nimbly steps away from Lily’s strike with the newspaper. Usually Remus would spend his transformation at home, but since Sirius had to go on a trip he came to James and Lily’s so he would have company, which led to the fortunate circumstance of being able to take the newspaper and delay the news.

“Honestly, Remus.” Chides Lily.

“I’m not encouraging him! You can’t call answering his questions encouragement!”

“It is decided, then.” James announces from the chair. He has climbed a chair and is speaking from atop. “Friday, you bring young Malfoy home. We will play Quidditch and some board games and have dinner in the yard. Sirius shall bring Regulus so Malfoy is not the only Slytherin.”

“James, listen to me…” Lily tries with little faith that James would listen to anyone.

That same morning, at eleven, Lucius Malfoy receives a howler from James Potter composed of thirty-two seconds of mad laughter, which means that James must had listened to Lily at some point or most likely that she was able to take his wand.

It couldn’t be said that James Potter was happy to hear that his beloved son was dating a snobbish Slytherin prick, no, but as soon as he realized that Lucius Malfoy would be equally unenthused about it, it had awaken James’s unhinged tendency towards confrontation with the established power and forced adoption of families’ black sheep. He had done it to Sirius, he had done it to Remus, he had done it to Peter (even if it failed catastrophically) and he was doing it to Regulus now. He had even befriended Severus Snape. Oh! Snape! He should invite Snape too. That way they could make teams of four. He would come if Lily asked him to.

And afterwards they explore those memories, and Lily looks worried and so does Snape. Regulus goes very quiet for a while but then he gives his opinion of what has happened and it’s the most words anyone has heard him speak but the multiverse theory makes a lot of sense.

The Weasleys warm up to Hermione eventually. They can’t tell why, exactly, other that Ron is beaming these days. Also, every time she comes to the Burrow she brings a gift to Arthur. It is a very obvious ploy to make them like her but it works because she sees the gift through and answers all of Arthur’s questions no matter how long it takes. The twins took notes when she gave her physics lecture. It was most informative. They created two prank artefacts out of it.

They find the few horcruxes Voldemort managed to make. Peter, who had a falling out with the Potters years ago, resurfaces and tries to steal a horcrux and bring back the Dark Lord out of spite. According to Regulus some people are dedicated to bring their own destruction and you can’t do anything about it. Barty Crouch Jr. also tries to bring Voldemort back, but by then Lucius Malfoy has been adopted by James even though he is a powerful adult man with his own family. It makes no sense. If anything, Lucius should be the one informally adopting people and grooming them under his wing to be his devoted friends and allies. But Lucius had become James’, just like Severus warned him it would happen, so he puts a stop to that Barty Crouch nonsense pretty quickly and to any other former Death Eaters with ideas. Lucius might not like the Potters but he likes the idea of Voldemort taking over his house even less, and whatever else his happening, it makes Draco happy, so.

What little of Voldemort remained alive, it is now dead.

The four of them, they have the shadows and regrets of two lives, the fear and pain of two wars, but the happiness afterwards… Oh, it is worth it, it is very, very worth it. It is the happiness of two lives, tenfold.

#asks #harry potter #memories #au #Anonymous #verse: memories from another life

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sleep-i-ness · 4 years

Text

Therapy (Bucky Barnes x reader)

For @just-trying-to-survive-marvel‘s 500 writing challenge

Prompt: “I don’t need your help. You’ve already done enough”

A/N: Is it bad to say how much I hated writing the end of this? It’s not edited because I just finished it but I hope you enjoy (please leave feedback) <3

Bucky had adopted the habit of carrying around a small black moleskin notebook on his regular walks spent exploring the ins and outs of New York City. Having spent so much of his life in and out of the cryochambers, brainwashed and mindless, nothing made sense in this strange new world. Some days he forgot where he was, thinking he was back in the 1930s with small, fragile Steve, who he needed to look after. Others, nothing made sense anymore, fragments of half-coherent thoughts flitting through his mind as he stared blankly at the wall in his dimly lit room. Those days he didn’t get out of bed until Steve dragged him out, sighing as he saw the brooding confusion brewing in Bucky’s mind. The rest, which lay few and far in-between, yet had been more frequent of late, were the only days where the modern world made any sense and he grabbed those opportunities with both hands. This meant he often ended up returning to the Tower many hours into the early morning, eyes shining with the day’s results as he discovered New York and how it had changed.

Steve often worried about him; the horrors of the past still haunted Bucky, and he never lost the ghosts from the past that hid behind his eyes. On his good days, Steve felt the hope inside him rekindle. Maybe one day he could have his best friend back, not the soulless husk that wandered around aimlessly nor the one stuck firmly in the past. The way Bucky’s eyes sparkled as he recounted the tall tales of the crazy trouble he had got himself caught up in reminded Steve of Bucky’s boxing days back in the ‘30s, where he would be wrapped up in his stories of the ring, adding elaborations wherever he could to make his adventures seem more interesting. Nearly always, they ended up with him victoriously defeating his opponent after a long and arduous struggle. Bucky had enjoyed painting himself to be the hero in these situations. Steve couldn’t ignore the irony, considering the unspeakable horrors HYDRA had put him through and terrible crimes he had been forced to commit. On Bucky’s bad days, Steve felt despair curl into its familiar spot in his heart.

Some part of him couldn’t let go of the image he had in his mind of his best friend and this new version just didn’t live up to what he expected him to be. Steve knew that was messed up. Of course, Buck was different. Being a brainwashed assassin for 70 years would do that. But thanks to the help of their friends in Wakanda, he’d been assured that all the brainwashing had been removed. Therefore, he’d hoped that the Bucky he’d known would return. And that all would go back to how it had been; him and Buck together through everything.

When he hadn’t, Steve could barely bear to be around him. Bucky hated to admit it, but it hurt. Knowing that his best friend was constantly disappointed in who he was. Seeing the corny smile slip off his face and his brow furrow when he thought Bucky wasn’t looking. Hence, Bucky tried to stay out for as long as possible, roam as far away from the Tower before Steve’s helicopter parent instincts kicked in. It was almost ironic that little Steve, well, not so little anymore, was the one looking out for him.

It should have been the other way round.

Therapy had been a word that Steve had offered up one day, accompanied with a shy smile. The team had a great one and Steve had been sure that no one would mind if Bucky booked a slot with her, he’d assured firmly. And thus, Bucky had instantly agreed, if not only to keep that smile on Steve’s face for a bit longer. To offer him hope that maybe one day he’d become the man Steve so desperately wanted him to be. The beaming grin in response had made the decision worthwhile; he wasn’t sure if he’d seen Steve that happy since regaining some sort of control over his brain again. He just hoped that he’d achieve whatever high expectation Steve held for this session.

Which was why Bucky was here. Opposite you, wearing a thick sweater in the summer sun to cover up his arm and lessen any fears you may have in response to seeing him. He had to remind himself that although you were a therapist, you were still just a civilian. And the media had not been kind to him.

“So, Mr Barnes, would you like a drink? Coffee? Tea? Water?” Your question takes him by surprise, that much is obvious in the small movement of his eyebrows, although the rest of him stays perfectly composed. He didn’t know what to expect from therapy, maybe something a bit more Good Will Hunting-esque. Or simply some talking, a Eureka-like moment and all problems instantly solved.

“Um, coffee would be nice… thank you. Black, no sugar.” When you got up to make it, he was even more confused. Why wouldn’t you just have a pot ready? Surely it would detract from the time with the client to have to fiddle around with the pot and sorting out the coffee granules.

The silence as they both waited for the pot to boil was deafening and Bucky soon found himself looking around the tiny yellow room with its monochromatic knick-knacks. Everything in here was sleek, almost succinct in its manner of serving a purpose and nothing more. The plain blue and white clock on the wall was geometric and placed directly next to three perfectly straight wooden shelves, each one painted a cool white.

Once the pot had boiled, Bucky found himself holding a steaming mug with a soppy depiction of a cartoon duckling on it. I Love Ducks More Than Humans, it loudly proclaimed. It felt out of place in this impersonal room, filled with items of purpose not decoration.

“Mr Barnes-”

“Please, call me Bucky.” He interrupted instinctively, smiling to ease the rudeness of his outburst. “Mr Barnes was my father and Lord knows how long he’s been dead.”

“Bucky, would you mind telling me what brought you to therapy?” Your grin is easy and genuine, putting him at ease as he leans back into the couch.

What had brought him to therapy? Bucky wasn’t sure of the answer himself; he didn’t have much of a reason except trying to change himself for Steve. But that wasn’t the answer you would be looking for, and there was no need to add another potential problem to his already mile-long list, starting with daddy issues, skimming over the numerous previous job-related traumas and now ending at fear of not being enough for his best friend. “I suppose it was Steve. He was worried for me and suggested therapy, so I wanted to give it a try.”

“But what do you want to get out of therapy? Not what your friend wants, you personally.”

Bucky hesitated. He knew that opening up would be good, and something about the simplicity of the place made it feel a lot easier to tell the whole truth to someone. “I don’t feel like myself, or who I used to be anymore. I’ve changed but people don’t seem able to see that.”

“I understand. It must be really difficult to not feel understood, can you tell me more?” Your voice was sweet, coaxing him to say more. It made his skin crawl, he felt like he was back at HYDRA with one of their ‘therapists’ who would coerce him into revealing information he wasn’t supposed to know and then they would wipe him, the excruciating pain reminding him that he couldn’t trust a therapist.

But these sessions were meant to help him. And so, he went back the next week, nodding with a fixed smile when Steve asked him how they were going. ‘Great.’ And the grin that Stevie gave him made it all seem like a good idea. Even though he felt like a cornered animal in the sessions.

It wasn’t your fault. You were lovely as far as he was concerned, but the way you spoke to him to get him to open up made him want to dive out the nearest window just to escape. And all this simmering frustration came to a head when you asked him a pointedly blunt question, nothing like the previous ones that had all danced around the topic.

“Bucky, I can tell that you’d rather not be here and we’re not making any progress unless you talk to me. What did HYDRA do to make you so afraid of what I’m asking you?”

Bucky froze, resentment bubbling up as he tried to regulate the words that were threatening to spit themselves out of his mouth. To attack her for not knowing. How could you know? How could you not? It was all over his file, the torture he’d undergone, and you had the audacity to ask what made him ‘so afraid’.

“You know what,” Bucky grimaced, biting down hard on his tongue.

“Bucky, please. I’m here to help. Please don’t shut me out because I haven’t understood you yet.” Her eyes pleaded with him to just give it a shot and he shuddered. He’d seen that expression before. It had usually twisted into a smirk as he was dragged away for yet another excruciating memory wipe.

“Maybe I don’t want your help. Maybe I’ve just been forced to come here but it’s turning out to be useless.” He bit back, hand clenching around the porcelain mug.

Your mouth opened and closed without a sound, face pulling into an awkward smile as you tried to soothe his raised temper. The longer you kept eye contact, the further your face fell and you gulped, throat clenching harshly.

Crash. The mug was crushed between his fingers and the tension was broken. You exhaled shakily, brushing your clammy palms against your long skirt. Bucky could hear your pounding heartrate from where he sat, a good few yards away. It filled him with remorse, like a splash of water to the face. He refused to be that person anymore

“I’ll grab a dustpan.” You smiled weakly, quickly moving out of his line of vision. Bucky didn’t move an inch, eyes staring blankly at where you’d sat. A shuffling noise by his feet startled him as you crouched down, scooping the shards up. He should be the one doing that, he realised.

“I’m afraid that’s the end of our session. But I do hope that you’ll come back next week, even if it feels like we’re getting nowhere.”

Guilt gnawed at Bucky as he nodded stiffly, making his way out the door without a single word. He turned round to say something to you, but when confronted with your face, he found he was unable to.

And the next week he was back. He would compare it to a drug, his inability to quit it, but that would imply that he enjoyed or craved therapy. He liked the way Steve seemed hopeful, less cautious around him. He liked your company, in a way. But he couldn’t stand the endless questions.

He was early, sat on one of the short armchairs stationed around her office. The person before him was loud, talking angrily about not being able to deal with it anymore and how he just couldn’t look at somebody. Was therapy meant to be that aggressive sounding? Your mild-mannered voice was much fainter and Bucky physically had to stop himself from leaning in to eavesdrop.

The door slammed open only moments later, Steve storming out and you hurriedly following him. When his eyes fell upon Bucky, he deflated, feet stuttering to a halt.

“I can’t do this.” His voice cracked as he spun round to look at you, eyes wild and frantic. Bucky frowned. “Buck, I can barely look at you without feeling like a failure. I thought once you’d had the brainwashing removed, you’d be back to normal. But you’re still not and…”

Bucky’s heartbeat was deafening in his ears, blood roaring as he drowned out the rest of Steve’s excuses. His eyes focused in on your face, patronizingly, mockingly sympathetic and he clenched a fist subconsciously. Some sort of exclamation from Steve at the sight of it caused him to forcibly relax all muscles, relieving any underlying tension that might still be visible. It did nothing to quell the sickening sinking sensation in the pit of his stomach, throat clenching as he tried to swallow an invisible block.

“I’m going to go.” Steve brushed past him, not even looking back once.

Did he feel any remorse? Bucky wondered, a bitter taste on his tongue. Any sadness? Guilt? Anything about telling Bucky that he couldn’t deal with this PTSD-riddled version? He never thought that Steve, who stood up to every bully and against anything and everything morally wrong, would turn his back on him just for not being the man he once was.

“Bucky?” Your tentative voice broke him out of his reverie, your vibrant yellow skirt cheerily mocking him.

“You did this.”

It wasn’t a question, it was a statement. There was only one person who could have twisted Steve’s mind, who could have turned the one person that Bucky always thought would have his back against him.

“No.” You were defensive, suspiciously so, your posture stiff. You sighed, turning back to head into your office. “Will you come in?”

“I don’t need your help. You’ve already done enough. Aren’t you sick of destroying lives by twisting people’s emotions? Do you enjoy playing the saviour in order to create chaos?”

Your face fell at his words and Bucky felt a vindictive joy at the sight. He knew that it was unfair to enjoy seeing your cheery façade slipping, but he couldn’t help it. It was as if something deep inside him was egging on the cruel remarks on the tip of his tongue, begging him to cut deep with his words.

“Bucky, I won’t force you to come in, but my office is always a safe space for you to enter. Always.”

You turned with a forced smile, although it was more of a grimace, shoulders slumping as the door swung shut in Bucky’s face. He could hear a muffled sob through the door and a towering wave of icy guilt crashed down upon him, clearing the red haze.

He hadn’t meant to make you cry; it was just that… he wanted someone else to feel the same as he did.

He wanted someone else to get punished for Steve’s actions.

Bucky raised a metal fist, sleeve slipping down over his wrist as he hovered in front of the door. He wanted to offer some sort of apology, and comfort, because it clearly wasn’t your fault. Bucky had easily overlooked the months of awkward silences and faked smiles between him and Steve, but something had been wrong for a while.

It wasn’t your fault Steve was unable to let go of the past.

“Just give me a sec,” your voice quavered with a sniffle. A sharp burst of shame startled Bucky and he wheezed quietly, clutching at his left shoulder. The door tentatively swung open in front of him, your puffy face forcing a watery smile. “Oh. Bucky.”

“I’m sorry.”

His abrupt sentence startled you, a flicker of confusion flashing across your face. Bucky didn’t know whether he should feel worse about the fact that his apology was such a surprise to you, or just accept the fact that he’d been a complete and utter dick to you.

“It wasn’t your fault. I shouldn’t have just blamed you because you were there. I’ve been nothing but an asshole to you and I’m sorry.”

You blinked at him owlishly.

What else did you want him to say? Bucky shifted onto his left foot, scratching the back of his neck awkwardly.

“Do you want-“ “I’m just-“

Bucky shared a hesitant chuckle with you as your sentences tripped over each other’s. He gestured for you to continue speaking, unable to help the small smile that crept onto his face.

“Do you want to come in?”

Now, sat on the little white couch, steaming mug of coffee in his hands, Bucky looked at your hopeful face. You had assured him that you hadn’t meant to push last week and that you would go at the pace he felt comfortable with. This session you were starting off with his childhood and then, slowly, over time, trying to work your way to the present. Together.

Maybe therapy wasn’t so bad.

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lilulo-12fanfiction · 4 years

Text

Say It Again

Say It Again- Bucky Barnes x Reader

Requested by @Winter-In-Wakanda for a Stark!Sister Reader and prompt 150. “Do whatever you want, I don’t care.” Girl is after my own little heart with a Stark!Reader request.

Okay...so for this one...we're pretending Infinity War & End Game didn't happen...because Cannon sometimes interferes with my ideas. Once again...this one got away from me, like almost 10K words. I hope you guys like it. It turned into something I didn't expect it to turn into. I always try to pre-plan these and then my imagination takes over and I end up someplace completely different. I am super in to Bucky stories lately if you haven’t been able to tell. I’m a little unsure on this one so I hope it’s up to snuff.

As always likes, comments and reblogs are SO APPRECIATED. Requests are open (Avengers, Supernatural, TVD/The Originals. I do dabble in some Green Arrow and The Flash (DC TV Only please). Prompt list can be found here.

Please let me know if you would like to be added to this tag list or one of my others.

Avengers Tag List: @shreddedparchment @fanfictionjunkie1112@this-is-mycrisis

Avengers Masterlist

“You know what? DO WHATEVER YOU WANT! I DON’T CARE!” You could still feel Tony’s anger the day you told him you were going to Wakanda to help Sergeant Barnes. 8 years and you could still feel his voice reverberating through you. “He killed our parents!” Tony had spat. You let him feel his anger. When he was done ranting, raving and feeling his feelings you put your hand on his and he looked down at the scars on your wrist and you quickly pulled it away.

“Tony, we both know what Hydra is capable of.” They had taken you hostage and tortured you just to get to Tony and the rest of the Avengers. You weren’t a super hero by any means, but anyone who knew anything about Tony Stark knew how important his baby sister was to him. Being Iron Man had put a big red target on your back. It was rare you were unguarded, but Hydra had played the long game and gotten to you anyway. “It wasn’t his fault. They made him into that monster. He was a good man. He IS a good man. He deserves a chance to have his life back. I can help Shuri make that happen. I need you to understand.”

It took him a while, but he did understand and he agreed that James Barnes deserved a shot at redemption. He kissed you on your cheek and put you on a jet to Wakanda with his blessing.

Shuri knew she could get the programming out of Bucky so that no one could ever use those words against him again. Yet the trauma would remain. The horrible memories. That took time to heal. Steve Rogers knew that if anyone could give him his best friend back, it would be you. He was waiting for you as you stepped off of the jet with a big smile and a hug. You linked your arm through his and he took you to meet T’Challah, Shuri and Bucky.

“Welcome Dr. Stark. We��re happy to have you join us.” T’Challah led you and Steve through his home, which was one hell of a palace. He was a King after all. You walked down a large corridor to an area that reminded you a great deal of Tony’s lab. “This Dr. Stark is my sister Shuri.” The youthful smile on her face made you feel at home. When you pictured a princess in your mind, she wasn't what you had imagined, and that was the best part about her. She shook your hand with enthusiasm.

“Dr. Stark, this is truly a pleasure. I’ve read some of your papers. Some of the work you and your brother have done is quite remarkable. Though I thought you were a medical doctor?” You smiled at her excitement. It wasn’t often someone knew you for you and not for Iron Man first.

“I also studied trauma and psychology. I’m sure you know both my brother and I have experienced some severe trauma.” You looked down at the scars on your wrists. “My brother dealt with some severe PTSD a few years back. I was the only one he trusted to help him through it.”

“Dr. Stark is brilliant. We’re going to miss having her at the compound taking care of us all after missions. Though I’m sure someone less trained could handle some stitches.” Steve joked as you elbowed him in the stomach. He put his arm around you and turned you to the man you felt like you knew already. You and Steve became fast friends. You were one of the few people he talked to about Bucky.

“Y/N, this is Bucky.” You were met with an intense stare. He was as good looking as the pictures you had seen of him in the museum, just a little more rough around the edges. He was arguably the most handsome man you had ever laid eyes on, and you were standing next to Captain America. And then he smiled at you and you knew that you were in trouble the second you felt your mouth go dry and your heart beat just a little faster.

“Thank you, for coming and helping me. I know this can't be easy for you." It seemed he wanted to say more but stopped himself. You nodded and stuck your hand out for him to shake.

“It’s nice to finally meet you Sergeant Barnes.”

“Please...call me Bucky.” You didn't know how you were going to get through this with him looking at you like that.

It was amazing how meeting one person could change the course of your entire life. ***

”How are you feeling Sergeant Barnes?” You walked into the exam room. There he sat, the infamous Winter Soldier. He studied you silently for a moment. His blue eyes bore into yours.

“You can call me Bucky.”

“I can’t call you that.” You shook your head. Shuri was watching the two of you out of the corner of her eye and smiled to herself. She could sense something between the two of you the first day she saw the two of you interact. Bucky had been willing to acknowledge it. You however, were stubborn and refused to. Bucky gave you a questioning look but didn’t push you further. You were trying to keep a professional wall between the two of you. It had been a struggle over the last year. The urge to have a personal relationship with him was palpable. Bucky was well...Bucky. Despite all of the trauma and damage that Hydra layered in, he still had his incredible charm. It may have been 70 years since he was interested in a woman, but it was like riding a bike. He laid in on thick every chance he got. But you were here to do a job. It was your job to help Bucky work through his trauma the way you had helped Tony work through his. You felt like a hypocrite because yours always bubbled right under the surface.

He tried to get you to spend time with him outside of your time in this room. You continually denied him. If you were in the gym when he came in, you either popped your ear buds in or left shortly after he entered. The last time this had happened, Bucky's disappointment was apparent. T'Challah, ever observant put a hand on Bucky's shoulder and commented how the ones that were the most worth it were the hardest to catch. You were giving Bucky a run for his money.

The hardest day for the both of you had been the day you discussed December 16th, 1991. It hadn’t been the first time you had seen Bucky shed a few tears, but it was the first time he saw you cry. It was also the first time you had let him cross the patient line and hug you. You had felt safe for the first time in a long time as the Super Soldier held you to him whispering how sorry he was. You reassured him that you didn’t blame HIM. You separated James Barnes from the Winter Soldier. He needed to do the same thing. They were not one in the same.

Bucky had thought he had finally broken down your wall. He’d be lying if he said he didn’t think about you when you weren’t with him. The curve of your face. The way your eyes lit up when you smiled. Your snarky sense of humor. He was excited for his next session. Yet a few days later when you saw him again, your walls were back up and it was business as usual. He was disappointed. You were giving him an expectant look. He had gotten lost in his thoughts of you. He snapped himself out of it and answered your question.

“I feel more like myself. But I think he’s still there under the surface.” You wrote some notes down.

“What about the nightmares?” You looked up from your notes.

“I still have them, they’re not nearly as frequent or intense.”

“Do you still feel like you’re a danger to others Sergeant?”

“Bucky.” You pursed your lips. “And I’m not sure. Shuri couldn’t activate me with the words.” You smiled at him and his heart almost jumped out of his chest, he was sure of it.

“Sergeant Barnes. I think we can confidently say your programming has been removed.”

“Are you sure? What if I leave here and something happens? I don’t know if I could live with myself if I hurt another person like that.” You set his file down and put your hand on his forearm.

“We have tried multiple times to use the activation words...they no longer have an affect on you. While T’Challah has made it clear you are more than welcome to stay as long as you’d like, it’s time to stop hiding in Wakanda.” Bucky scoffed and looked away.

“I’m not hiding. And I’m still having nightmares.” He was looking down at the floor.

“So do I.” His head snapped up and he studied you in your sleeveless shirt. There were scars on your wrists and a few on your upper right shoulder. Usually you sought to cover them but the Wakanda summer was stifling. There was a story there. He just wasn’t sure what. “I still see my brother as a captive with a bag over his head. I still see him falling out of the sky..among other things. Recovery is progressive. You aren’t all of the sudden better. You learn to live with your demons and find a way to move on and be happy.” Bucky put his hand over yours.

“And are you?” You furrowed your brow. “Happy. Are you happy?” You slowly pulled your hand from his.

“We aren’t talking about me. Look, you’re ready. You’ve been ready. Steve needs you. The Avengers need you. It’s time to get back to your life.” You turned to walk out of the room.

“Y/N!” Bucky yelled your name and it turned. “We leave here- you can’t hide behind being my doctor.” You stared each other down for a moment and then turned again and left the room.

***

,Your heels kept getting stuck in the dirt as you walked through Wakanda toward’s where Bucky’s place was. Bucky stepped out and watched you struggle for a moment and rushed over laughing to help you. You had come down to make sure he was ready to go. You promised Steve you would get him on that jet. It had taken another two weeks for him to agree.

“Why the hell would you wear those shoes?” You glared at him.

“I wear three inches or I wear nothing!." You wrinkled your nose at the goats.

"You are NOT bringing those to New York.”

“You’re such a girl.” He rolled his eyes and slung a bag over his shoulder. It had taken some convincing from you and Shuri but he had agreed it was time to leave. “You really didn’t need to come out here. Everything I have is in this bag. I told you I was going to go back, I meant it. I wouldn't lie to you and I wouldn't make it hard for you either. I Know you want to go home too."

“I made a promise to Steve to get you back to yourself and get you home. I intend to follow through. Regardless of how long it took” He stood there, freshly cut hair, jeans and a short sleeved shirt that was the same color as his eyes, his vibrainian arm reflecting the bright sun. It was a far cry from his normal Wakandan wardrobe. Though he would be beautiful wearing a trash bag.

“So that’s all this is? Fulfilling an obligation?” He took a few steps towards you and was standing too close to you. You felt the alarm bells going off in your head, but you couldn’t step away. He was like a magnet.

“I wanted to help you. As soon as Steve told me what happened I wanted to help you. You're not an obligation. You're more than that and you know it.” He studied your face for a moment and before you could move he had scooped you up bridal style and started walking towards the hangar where the jet would be picking you up. “SERGEANT BARNES PUT ME DOWN” you screeched.

“Jesus Y/N, I may be deaf in that ear from now on. We don’t have time for you to literally tip toe back in those shoes because you refuse to wear flats. We're wheels up in 10.” You groaned and gave him a dirty look. You felt the heat rising to your cheeks as you got closer and could see the smirk on Shuri and T’Challa’s faces. When he finally placed your feet on the ground you took a few large steps away from him like he had a disease. He rolled his eyes and said his goodbyes and thank yous to the pair of siblings in front of him.

Shuri gave you a hug. “It was a pleasure working with you, I hope to do so again.” You agreed and bid her goodbye and did the same with her brother.

"Good Luck Dr. Stark. I'm sure we will meet again." T'Challah gave you a kind smile and led you onto the jet.

You stepped into the jet that already had your things. Tony had sent a Shield agent to pick you and Bucky up, he had wanted to come himself but had to finish up a project. You looked over at him and could see the nerves on his face. You gave him a kind smile and took a seat and strapped yourself in. You pulled out your earbuds to play some music as you took off. You hated flying. And it was a good trek from Wakanda to New York.

Bucky had been hoping that you could have held a real conversation on the flight back. He was desperate to get to know you on a deeper level. You had denied him for so long. He let out a disappointed sigh. He would just have to work on it once you were back in New York.

An hour into the flight and Bucky was in his own world when he heard a distressful cry come from your lips. His head snapped up and he realized you were asleep and having a nightmare. He watched as your face twisted in anguish. "No...no please don't." slipped from your lips and Bucky felt his heart crack a little bit. He slipped next to you and l gently shook you.

"Y/N...wake up sweetheart." He clenched his jaw as you thrashed slightly, wanting to hunt down the person that hurt you enough to plague your dreams. "Y/N..."He shook you again. Your eyes shot open frantically as you inhaled deeply and shot forward. Bucky wrapped his arms around you to ground you. "It's okay. It was just a dream. It's okay." He cooed in your ear. You focused on his heart beat to get your breathing back to normal. You slowly peeled yourself away.

"I'm sorry...I didn't mean to fall asleep." You couldn't remember the last time you slept and didn't have a nightmare. He was sure he saw shame in your eyes as you looked away.

"Y/N...do not apologize to me. You didn't do anything wrong and you shouldn't have to worry about falling asleep, especially around me. You helped save me. Is it so bad if you let me help you a little bit?" He watched as you blinked back tears and contemplated what he said.

"Thank you Sergeant Barnes" You pulled yourself out of his arms, but didn't move completely away. He sighed.

"Bucky...my name is Bucky."

***

Bucky watched as a different Y/N emerged the moment the two of you got off of the jet. Your face lit up as you ran to Steve and he scooped you up in a hug. Bucky felt red hot jealousy coursing through his veins. For the first time he found himself curios about your relationship with Steve. Were you more than friends, is that why you kept him at arms length?

“Where is she? Dammit Rogers I wanted to greet her first! Why didn’t you tell me she was here?” Tony came running out to the hanger disappointment clouding his face.

You had been only 8 when Howard and Maria died. Tony with the help of those in his life had taken care of you. It was hard for Tony, he was rather young himself, but there was no way he was letting you go to anyone else. It had been you and Tony against the world.

“We did. You were too focused on your work.” Natasha rolled her eyes. You gave Natasha a huge smile.

You slipped out or Steve’s arms and launched yourself at Tony, almost knocking him over. “I missed you so much!” Bucky couldn’t help but smile at the display of sibling affection.

“I missed you too kid.” Soon Steve was greeting Bucky and reintroducing him to the team members he had met before and giving introductions to those he hadn’t. There was an awkward tension as Bucky approached Tony.

“Barnes.” Tony nodded. Everyone was collectively holding their breath. Tony rolled his eyes dramatically. “Look, I’m not going to apologize for trying to kill you in Siberia. But I’m glad you were able to get help and get back to yourself. You can thank my baby sister for opening my eyes to the truth is the matter. That wasn’t you, it was someone else. And as long as that monster is long gone, and I have been assured he is, you’re more than welcome here. We could really use your expertise. Plus we need someone to put Rogers in his place. The Super Soldier advantage is going to his head.” Tony stuck his hand out and Bucky shook it.

“Thank you Tony. I’m glad to be here. And Y/N will have forever have my gratitude. She helped put me back together. I owe her my life.” Bucky gave you a fond look and he watched you blush slightly. It gave him some satisfaction that he had an affect on you.

“You’re not the only one, trust me.” Tony had his arm around you and smiled down.

“C’mon and see all the cool shIt I’ve made since you’ve been gone” Tony turned you around and led you to his lab, ready to catch up on the past year and a half.

“Alright Buck, let me show you around. I’m so glad you’re here.” Steve beamed at him and led him into the compound. Steve showed Bucky the common area, where the gym was, meeting rooms he pointed where everyone else stayed. You had your own wing of the tower, where as the team members minus Tony were closer together. Bucky was on the same wing as Steve and Sam. As Steve led Bucky to his door, he could tell something was weighing on his mind.

“You look like you want to ask me something.” Steve finally said.

“You and Y/N...are you guys like a thing?” Steve laughed.

“No...I mean once upon a time she used to flirt with me. Mostly because she thought it was hilarious how embarrassed I got. And she’s beautiful, don’t get me wrong, but no. We’re just really good friends. We’ve gone through some shit together so we’re close. But nothing ever romantic. Why?” Steve narrowed his eyes at Bucky.

“I was just curious. She was just really happy to see you so I didn’t know.”

“She hasn’t dated anyone in a really long time. Get settled and get some shut eye. G’night.”

“Night Steve.”

“Buck...it’s really good to have you here.” Bucky smiled.

“I’m glad to be here.”

***

You and Bucky had been back in New York for two weeks. It was August and disgustingly hot. You were so happy to be home so you could feel comfortable in your own skin and didn’t feel like you had to cover everything up like you did in Wakanda. You had only gone sleeveless a few times and always felt eyes on the scars you had. Now you were with your family, they didn’t ask questions because they knew. The only prying eyes were that of Bucky Barnes, but he would never asked.

You had tried to keep your interactions to a minimum, convinced that if you drastically cut your time down with him, the feelings you had stirring inside would go away. You had cut that part of yourself off. You didn’t plan on revisiting that. You were content without a relationship. You had Tony and Pepper, Steve, Natasha, Rhodey and Sam. That was all you needed.

Tony had tried to talk you into going back to the hospital. You were a gifted general surgeon, but you just didn’t want to. Being the team doctor was enough. It wasn’t like you needed the money. Tony was happy to have you exclusively but you were so talented. You were great at helping other people, he was concerned you were letting your demons win by not going back. You had bounced back almost completely but there was still a part of you that would always be on guard.

There was a huge in ground pool and an outdoor patio at the compound and you were thrilled to enjoy it. You were clad in a ruffled coral and black flowered takini top, high waisted bottoms and large black sunglasses.

Natasha was sitting by the pool with Wanda while Steve, Bucky and Sam were in the pool enjoying the day. Bucky watched as you smiled widely at Nat and Wanda, your whole face lit up. You had a tattoo that he had never seen before because the pencil skirts you wore religiously, that drove him crazy, were always right at your knee. It was watercolor with a dream catcher design, it went from your hip all the way down your thigh. He understood the meaning after witnessing your nightmare on the jet. He had to force himself to look away from you before someone noticed that he was staring.

“Stark! Those look like the glasses you wear when you get Lasik eye surgery they’re so big.” Sam yelled over. You flipped him off and sat down next to Natasha. Bucky let out a sigh that caught Steve’s attention.

“What’s up Buck?”

“She hates me.”

“Y/N?” Steve looked over at Bucky confusion clouding his face.

“Nah, she doesn’t hate anyone for starters and dude she went to Wakanda for you. If she hated you, she wouldn't have stayed” Sam shrugged

“We spent a year and a half together and she avoids me like I have a contagious disease. Do you know she has not once called me by my first name. It’s always Sergeant Barnes. I’ve begged her to call me Bucky. I thought maybe it was just how she was. But then I see how she is with you guys, with Clint when he was here. And I know that we have a complicated past and you’ve known her longer. But she won’t even make eye contact with me.”

“Well someone has a crush.” Sam grinned and jumped back before Bucky could punch him. “Don’t take it personally. She has trust issues. She just knew us before.”

“Sam.” Steve used a warning tone.

“Before what?” Bucky looked back and forth between the two men. He knew there was something in your past, the scars on your body told him so. “You can’t say something like that and then NOT tell me.” Bucky crossed his arms. Steve pinched the bridge of his nose before beginning the story.

“She wasn’t always like this. She was actually a lot like Tony. Out going, a bit of a wild side, very open. Man...she was something else. Being Tony’s sister and close with so many of us really put her in the spot light. So we kept a close watch on her. She was an easy target. Not enhanced, no suit, and being close to us could be dangerous. She started dating this guy Bryan. Tony did the most extensive background check I’ve ever seen. We kept an eye on him and he passed with flying colors. She was so damn happy. They were together for a year, he even proposed. Then one night, she didn’t come home from the hospital. Normally if she was staying there she’d text me and let me know because if Tony was in the lab working he wouldn’t even notice. I thought maybe she had an emergency surgery. I was going to call if I didn’t hear from her by 11pm. I fell asleep. We had a really rough mission and I was beat. When I woke up at 5am she still wasn’t home. I called the hospital and she had scrubbed out of surgery at 7. They were certain she didn’t leave any later than 8:30pm. I called Bryan thinking maybe she was with him after she didn’t answer her phone. He said she wasn’t there and was frantic with worry. He came here and we all tried to figure out where the hell she was. I knew it was bad. I knew someone had her. Then we got the video. She was stripped down to a tank top and her underwear and she was soaking wet. It was Hydra. They proceeded to zap her with a cattle prod.” Steve had to stop for a moment to compose himself. The memories fresh in his mind. “Believe me when I tell you that was the nicest thing they did to her. We were waiting for demands and all of the sudden Bryan was gone. He....he was a Hydra operative. He took her. How we didn’t catch it, I’ll never know. When we finally found her, it...it was bad. They tried to get info from her about the compound and our missions. She didn't know much of anything. Tony never wanted her exposed to it, he thought he was keeping her safe. Maybe if she could have given them what they wanted it wouldn't have been as bad.” Steve shuddered. “She understandably shut down. She stopped operating, she would leave the compound. Tony brought in so many therapists and no one could reach her. He was desperate. She had gone and studied psychology to help him and he couldn’t help her. Eventually she found a doctor she liked and started to bounce back. She was slowly getting back to herself, but she still refuses to work at the hospital. And then everything came out about her parents. I thought it would set her back but it seemed to awaken something in her. She had a taste of what you went through. She was determined that Hydra wouldn’t win. She wanted to help you. She did help you. She's just not great at trusting new people, understandably so.

Bucky contemplated what Steve said. He quelled the guilt he felt about her parents, the way she taught him to. He looked over at you and then back to Steve, it was like a light went off.

“The tattoo?” He looked back to Steve.

“They cover the worst of the scars Hydra left behind. The ones on her wrists are from being tied up. The ones on her shoulder were from the cattle prod.” Bucky felt sick to his stomach. Steve couldn’t bring himself to tell him what the tattoo was covering up and how she got it.

"Jesus. I mean I get it. I get her being cautious with someone she doesn't know, especially a man. But she wasn't like this with T'Challah or anyone else in Wakanda. She knew she could trust him. She should know she can trust me. Why else would she spend so much time alone with me?" A smile slowly spread over Sam's Face.

"She likes you." Bucky and Steve both looked over at Sam. Bucky scoffed. "I'm serious. That's the difference. She has a thing for you. She's trying to keep it super professional with the "Sergeant Barnes". Steve, we both know she's terrified to get involved with anyone, so it makes sense, she's keeping him at arms length. Believe me, we've tried to introduce her to someone else. Break her out of her shell. But you could be exactly what she needs Freezer Pop." Bucky shot Sam a nasty glare. Steve was just happy someone else was being made fun of besides him. “I’m just saying don’t give up. I mean don’t over do it, but I think you’d be good for her.” Bucky was shocked by Sam’s compliment. He turned his gaze back to you. Your bright smile, hearty laugh. He was determined to get you to let him in.

“What happened to Bryan?” Both Sam and Steve’s eyes darkened.

“Natasha. Natasha happened to Bryan.”

***

Another two weeks had passed and you had successfully avoided any alone time with Bucky Barnes, that was until right that moment. The temperature had cooled considerably in the last week and you wanted to take advantage of the clear night and walk around the compound.

“Y/N! Wait up!” You came to a halt and turned and watched as Bucky jogged towards you. You held your breath. You knew you couldn’t avoid him forever.

“Where are you going?”

“Just for a walk. I need some air.”

“Can I join you?” He was staring down at you with a soft smile. Even though everything inside of your brain screamed no, your heart won out and you said yes. He gave you a boyish grin and opened the door for you to exit the building. You walked in silence for a while.

“It’s a beautiful night.” you finally commented, not being able to take the silence anymore.

“It sure is.” When you looked over, he was staring directly at you and you stopped walking. Bucky cleared his throat. “So what made you decide to stop avoiding me?”

“Sergeant-“ Bucky groaned.

“If you call me Sergeant Barnes one more time I swear to God himself I’m going to scream.” You looked at him wide eyed. You stared each other down for a moment You started to say something and stopped multiple times. Bucky finally spoke up again. “Y/N, you don’t have to be afraid of me.” You wrapped your arms around yourself and looked away.

“Who told you?”

“Steve...but only because Sam let something slip and he didn’t have a choice.”

"Fucking Sam and his big fucking mouth." You groaned. You were dreading the pity in his eyes, but when you looked at him you saw something else, you just weren’t sure what it was. Bucky took your silence as his cue to continue.

“Look, I know you were hurt, bad. But there is something here. I felt it the day you walked into that lab in Wakanda. Please don’t push me away. Just get to know me."

"I do know you." You looked away from him again. You jumped slightly when you felt his hand lightly wrap around your upper arm, you slowly looked up into his eyes, feeling yourself waver.

“No...you know the Winter Solider. You don't know Bucky Barnes. We will take this slow. Maybe stop avoiding me to start?" He gave you a small smile.

"Okay." your brain was slowly loosing the war with your heart. Your resolve was slowly breaking down.

"Wait...really?" You laughed.

"Yes really....Bucky." He positively beamed.

"Say it again."

"What?"

"My name, say it again." you rolled your eyes.

"Bucky."

"I promise you, you wont regret this." He slowly put his arm around you and continued your walk. You felt your heart pounding, part from anxiety part from the sheer excitement of being so close to James Buchanan Barnes.

***

Another month had passed. Bucky had taken you out for coffee a few times, you'd forced him to watch a few movies he had missed and refused to admit he actually liked. True to his word, he was taking his time. Letting you get to know him. You were like a baby deer, he knew if he moved too quickly he'd spook you. He'd be lying if he said he wasn't dying to kiss you. But he made the decision that he wouldn't do that until he was 100% certain you wanted him to, but it was killing him.

"Sergeant Barnes" Friday's sharp voice grabbed his attention. It had taken Bucky a while to get used to Friday. She still scared the hell out of him every time she called out to him. He let his heart rate go back to normal before he answered her.

"Yes Friday?"

"Ms. Stark is in distress. She needs some assistance." Steve and Tony were on a mission. Sam was out on a date and Natasha was visiting Clint and his family. It had literally just been you and Y/N for the evening. You had ordered in some dinner and he had told her stories of himself and Steve growing up. He had quite literally walked you to your bedroom door and bid you goodnight. He had put his hand on your cheek and rubbed it slightly with his thumb before he had walked away. It had been a good night, or he had thought.

"Is her room locked?" Bucky was moving quickly to your wing of the compound. "No, I disabled the lock." Friday responded.

When Bucky reached your door he had planned on knocking but he heard you screaming so he threw the door open. You were tangled up in your blankets thrashing in your bed like someone was holding you down. Beads of sweat covered your face and body. You were in the throws of a nasty nightmare. "No...please no. No more...I don't know anything" you cried. Your body stiffened like a board. If he didn't know better he would have thought you had a seizure.

He sat down next to you. "Y/N...wake up. Please wake up." he tried to shake you lightly but you thrashed away. He took hold of both of your shoulders and shook you hard. "Y/N Wake up!" he yelled. As your eyes shot open you pushed him away as you sat up trying to scramble away from him. He wrapped his arms around you so you didn't hurt yourself and held you close to him as you tried to fight him away. "Shhh...it's okay. It's me, It's Bucky. You're safe. You're in your bed at the compound. Stop fighting me. I'm not going to hurt you." It took a good 5 minuets for you to calm down. You slowly stopped fighting and he felt you slip your arms around his torso and bury your face in his neck. He felt your hot tears against his skin. "You're okay." he kept saying over and over. After a little while you pulled away and you looked positively shattered.

"I'm sorry for hitting you. I....I didn't realize it was you." He wiped the tears from your cheeks and tucked your hair behind your ears.

"Doll...you couldn't hurt me if you really tried." You smiled a little. "That was a bad one." He had heard her cry out before, many times, but nothing this bad. The only other time she didn't wake herself up was when they were on the jet from Wakanda.

"I haven't had a nightmare like that in a really long time."

"Do you want to talk about it." You sighed and took a moment to meet his eyes.

"Sometimes...when I dream, I can still smell my flesh burning." He hadn't expected you to say that. You pulled your leg out from under the blanket. You were wearing an over sized Stark Industry T-shirt and a pair of shorts. It was the first time he had seen your leg and tattoo up close. You took his hand and placed it on the tattoo so he could feel the scarring. It took him a moment to get over the shock, but you wanted him to feel the scar, you knew he would recognize it. It had a distinct shape. It took him a moment to realize what it was and he looked up at you, horrified. The mark was huge. It was almost the entire size of your Tattoo. "They branded me with the Hydra symbol. I've felt pain before...but nothing, nothing like that. Please don't look at me like that. Like you feel sorry for me."

"It's not pity, Y/N. It's admiration. That you made it through that."

"You made it through worse. I'm a fraud. I preached to you, and to my brother about working through your trauma. About recovery. And here I am, years later still so damaged. I didn't want to get involved with you partly because I was scared to let someone in, that's true. But mostly because I'm so damn broken and you deserve someone who isn't." You put your hand over his that was still resting on your leg.

"Y/N...don't you get it...all of us here are a little bit broken. You, Me, Steve, your brother, Nat, even Sam has his demons. You can't be a solider and not have them. But we get through it because we have each other. The reason why I feel so much for you is because you understand. How could I ever be with someone who didn't? I love you, broken pieces and all." It took Bucky a moment to realize what he had said to you as he took in your wide eyed look.

"What did you say?" You whispered. He took a deep breath and smiled at you.

"I love you. Broken pieces and all." You hadn't been seeing each other all that long, but you had spent almost two years together. He had been in love with you before you even agreed to semi-date him. He just hadn’t realized it until recently. He was bracing himself for you to pull away. Instead, you jumped up on your knees, grabbed his face with both of your hands and kissed him. He wrapped his arms around your waist, pulled you into his lap and kissed you back. When you both finally pulled away, you were breathless. You had even surprised yourself. For the first time since Steve Rogers had pulled you from Hydra's dungeon you did something completely spontaneous and dove in without over thinking it.

"I didn't think anyone could ever love me. He told me that I was easy to fool because I was so desperate to love, yet I was unlovable.” Bucky clenched his jaw, certain that if Natasha hadn’t killed him, that he would hunt him down and do it himself.

"How could I not be completely in love with you? You’re so smart, and funny, you care about so many people. You save lives. I wish you could see yourself through my eyes. Through the eyes of everyone else that you know, but especially mine. God...Y/N...you're everything. You can’t believe a thing that monster said to you." You rested your forehead against his. You wanted to say it back...more than anything, but you weren't just ready. Instead...you did what you could do. You reached over into your nightstand and pulled out a little black box and handed it to him after you sat back down next to him. His eyes darkened when he opened it. It was an engagement ring. White gold, two karats and emerald cut.

"You’re right. I know that you’re right. I just can’t seem to get his words out of my head.” You paused and then gestured to the ring. “That's the ring he proposed to me with. It was the classic proposal. We were at a restaurant, it was Valentine’s Day...he put the ring in the dessert, then he got down on one knee. It was everything I thought I ever wanted. He played me. I've held onto it for so long because I wanted to remind myself how he betrayed me. Remind myself that I couldn't trust anyone other than my family. Well my family that is in this compound anyway. I didn't think I would ever be ready and then I met you." He studied your face, trying to figure out where this was going, but he couldn't tell. You had so many emotions sprawled across your face. "I want you to get rid of it. I don't need it anymore."

"Are you sure?" Bucky knew what it was like to hold onto the darkness of your past, it could serve as a blanket of sorts, he knew what it was like to use pain to keep you warm at night.

"Yes. Go...put it down the garbage disposal, burn it, shoot it, I don't care. Just get it away from me and then comeback and lay with me. " He kissed you lightly on your lips, told you he would be right back and ran out of the room. True to his word, 20 minutes later he was back with some extra pillows and climbed into your bed and pulled you close to him. Neither of you said anything else. It was the first time you slept without nightmares in years.

***

"Ahh haaaaaa...I KNEW IT." Sam laughed. He had come to visit you in the med bay as you were organizing your supplies. Tony was off in his lab working on his latest project. Steve, Natasha and Bucky were off on a mission to bust an arms dealer. It left you to entertain Sam.

"Shut up Sammy." You glared at him...it was the most pathetic glare he had ever seen.

"Sergeant Barnes..." he teased. "I KNEW you had it bad for him the moment he said you would only call him that...the way you were brushing him off, ignoring him. Girl I know you. And damn it's about time you put out for that boy. I couldn't stand the brooding anymore."

"You're such an asshole." you jumped back as he poked at your stomach teasing you further.

"But seriously Y/N...you seem so happy. Like a burden has been lifted. I'm really happy for you. I'm even happy for our little Popsicle." you laughed a full belly laugh.

"I have to say, Steve is so happy that someone else gets made fun of about being frozen because my brother is relentless." Your ears perked up when you heard the Quinjet land in the bay.

"Look at how excited you are." Sam teased. You flipped him off and then laughed. Your happiness was abruptly halted when you heard Steve scream your name. You and Sam gave each other a concerned look and ran out to meet him.

"It's Bucky. It's bad. He was shot...it's, it’s really bad...he’s not healing. He's lost a lot of blood. We were going to take him to the hospital but he refused. He said he didn't want anyone touching him but you."

"I can't operate on him! He's my boyfriend. Jesus...get him in here." You turned to Sam. "Go get me the hemostatic gauze. It's in the top shelf of the far left cabinet." You hurried back into the med bay and starting washing up. "Friday!" you yelled.

"Yes Ms. Stark?"

"Tell Dr. Banner I need him in the Med Bay." You somehow turned off your emotions and moved quickly into business mode. Steve and Natasha carried Bucky into the room and got him up on the table. "Steve....use those scissors and cut his suit off of him so I can see what we're dealing with." You went up to Bucky's head and smoothed his hair back.

"Hey gorgeous." He whispered, his lips were pale.

"Hey...hey. I'm going to fix you up okay? Don't try to talk. And don't you dare die on me okay?" You clenched your jaw and got to work.

A few hours later you sat outside of the room Bucky was recovering in. You twirled the strange bullet around in your fingers, staring off into space. Steve sat down next to you and pulled you out of your thoughts.

"What the hell is that?"

"This...is the bullet that almost killed him. When it entered his skin, it expanded, blocking him from healing. There must be something else about it that makes it effective on anyone with enhanced healing abilities. THAT is for my brother and Bruce to figure out. I have no idea. But they were ready for you and Bucky. They wanted to take you out. Steve...why did you listen to him instead of taking him to the nearest hospital?"

"Y/N...he was adamant that it be you. He wanted to be brought to you. He fought me and Natasha the entire way. I was afraid if he kept fighting he'd bleed out so we brought him here. Honestly, the only other person that is equipped to save him is Helen Cho...and she's further away." You leaned forward and put your face in your hands.

"He's lucky. Really freaking lucky." Steve put a steadying hand on your back. You gave him a side glance. "I don't know what I would have done if he died and I didn't get to tell him I loved him."

"He knows. You’ve shown him in a thousand different ways. You guys have been together for 6 months. He knows that you aren't ready to say it. That it's going to take a while for you to be ready to say it. But he knows you do. You show him you do even if you can't say it. The day you had him trash that ring he knew."

"He told you about that?" You whispered. You hadn’t told anyone you had kept the ring that long.

"He tells me everything. Just like I tell him everything. But you’re all he talks about.”

"Steve...I didn't think I could ever love anyone again.I love him so much. He’s been so patient with me, so understanding. Anyone else would have given up on me by now. I can't lose him."

"Tell him that. You know how short life is. You know how quickly it can end. Don't wait."

"I mean...I feel like you can't tell me how short life is. You're like 100 years old." He pushed you away from him and laughed.

"Real funny, Y/N...real funny."

"I'm going to go sit with him and wait for him to wake up."

Bucky felt you before he opened his eyes and physically saw you. You held his hand in yours, slowly rubbing your thumb over his hand. He slowly opened his eyes. You were looking down at the floor and didn't realize he was awake, it wasn't until he squeezed your hand until you shot your eyes up.

"Bucky!" You jumped up and were fussing over him. "How do you feel? You should be close to healed now that I got that bullet out. Does anything hurt?" and you continued to rattle off question after question.

"Sweetheart, slow down." You stopped at looked at him and then slapped him in the shoulder. "OW! What are you doing? I was just shot!” You smacked him again.

"Yeah...and you're a Super Solider! Now that the bullet is gone you're fine. Why didn't you go to the nearest hospital?! They could have at least started to treat you and I could have come to you. Or better yet we could have gotten Helen there! I'm not supposed to operate on loved ones! It's against like everything I ever agreed to. You could have freaking died before you got here!"

"Geeze...I get...what like two minutes of sympathy and then you're yelling at me? I didn't trust anyone else. And I just wanted you." You leaned forward and pressed a hard kiss to his lips. "Are you alright? You're acting a little bipolar right now." He joked.

"You almost died." You whispered.

"But I didn't." he put his hand on the side of your cheek. "You can't get rid of me that easily sweetheart. I’m in this for the long haul."

"I love you. I'm sorry I didn't say it sooner. I love you...so much. More than anything." You kissed him again.

"Say it again."

"I love you."

"Say it again...with my name."

"Bucky, I love you." You kissed him again.

"Seriously...stop making out. You guys are vile" Sam said with disgust.

"Get out!" Bucky threw a pillow at Sam, but hit Steve instead.

"Dude...seriously you should have seen her in action. Your girl's got some skills.” Sam sat on the other side of the bed.

"I thought I said to get out?" Bucky crossed his arms in front of them. You patted his shoulder.

"Be nice...Sam helped. I'll be right back, I have to go let everyone else know you're awake." As you stepped towards the door you looked back at him and he shot you a wink and then proceeded to tell a demanding Sam what happened on the mission.

***

"Baby you got this." You and Bucky stood outside of your new place of employment. You had decided to go back to work on a case by case basis. You didn't want to work at the hospital full time, still preferring to work for The Avengers, but it was time to get yourself back to as normal of a life as you could. Operating on Bucky had given you the itch to put your skills to use again. You could save lives and it was time you got back to it. So two months later after finding the hospital that would agree to your terms, you were attempting your first day back. They were thrilled to have the talented and notorious Y/N Stark on their roster. You already had a stack of cases to work through.

"I know...it's just the last time I was in a hospital...someone knocked me out and well...you know the rest." Bucky put his hands on your shoulders.

"No one is going to hurt you, or take you. I promise you that." He kissed your forehead.

"I know, rational me knows all of this. But there’s that tiny bit of me that is still trapped in that room. I just need to go inside and once I get to work I'll be fine. It'll be like riding a bike."

"You need me...you call me okay? I took myself off missions for the next week. I'll be right here if you need me."

"I know." He leaned down and kissed you on the lips.

"Call me when you're done and I'll meet you out here."

And that was the starting point of your new life. The more time went on, the more you worked and now, almost two years since you and Bucky got together you were back to almost a full time schedule. Tony was thrilled that you were operating again and back to yourself. Your nightmares were at bay, you credited Bucky being next to you every night. It had taken a good long time, but you were seemingly healed. You still had your scars, they would never leave you, but they no longer held you back. You had gone to Wakanda to save him and he ended up saving you too. James Buchanan Barnes had truly transformed your life.

You and Bucky had dinner plans, but that night an emergency case had come in and you volunteered to stay. When a 10 year old patient needs expert hands, you don't say no. You slowly dragged your tired body through the compound to your shared wing with Bucky. You opened the door and saw it was relatively dark, but there was a trail of rose petals leading to the balcony off of your living room. You smiled and followed the path and found Bucky standing and waiting for you. There he stood in his well fitting jeans and a fitted black henley.

"Give me a minute, I'll change. I’m kind of gross" You looked down at your black scrubs and sneakers. Your hair piled on top of your head.

"Stop...you look beautiful." You rolled your eyes.

"I'm a mess."

"Shut up...you're ruining my moment." He might as well have stomped is foot like a child.

"Okay, okay. I'm shutting up." You closed the door behind you. You looked around and he had white Christmas lights strung up along the railings, there was champagne and clearly some sort of dinner under the covered plates.

“SInce we couldn’t go dinner, I decided to bring dinner to you.”

"How did you know when I'd be home?"

"I had one of the girls at the hospital call me when you were on your way." He grinned. He stepped closer to you and took both of your hands. "It took us a long time to get here. And you were worth the wait. God were you worth the wait. I sometimes wondered what my life would have been like if I hadn't..." he trailed off. "What is it that Pepper always says? Everything happens for a reason. I never believed that...not until I met you. Because if everything didn't happen the way it did...I never would have met you. I never would feel this utterly complete and so happy. You helped me heal in so many ways. I don't know if I'll ever be able to really thank you...but I want to spend the rest of my life trying." You widened your eyes. He didn't get down on one knee...he didn't want to be cliche. He didn't want this to be like your other proposal. So he pulled the black box out of his pocket and opened it for you. It was a 3 karat princess cut diamond with small diamonds on a band that weaved like an infinity sign. "Marry me." You put your hand over your mouth for a moment to blink back the tears of pure happiness in your eyes. You never thought you'd ever want to marry anyone else again. But here was Bucky Barnes proving you wrong yet again. You nodded your head at him. "I need you to say it."

"Yes."

"Say it again."

"Yes." He tilted his head to the side and you knew exactly what he was going to say before he said it.

"Say it again with my name."

"Yes Bucky...I'll marry you."

He scooped you up in his arms and spun you around and then gave you a searing kiss before he slid the ring on your finger. Never in his life would he ever get sick of hearing his name on your lips. You kissed him again, thankful for the man that blew into your life and put all your broken pieces back together again.

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seapandora · 3 years

Text

Illusion, Part 4/?

Illusion｜Part 4/?

Bucky x oc!Lori

Warnings: Angst, betrayal, swearing, torture, (suicide is mentioned once), violence

A/N: Part 4, wow. Ehum, Its this part and one more before I take a sort of break from this fic for a bit. There might be a one-shot here or there, but for now I´m just tired of writing this. I still live the story though so I´m not leaving it just yet, but I have so much in my head right now. Thanks for coming by! Please comment, reblog, like and share this if you enjoyed it! I appreciate it! As always, gif-credit to the owner! Oh and send me a message or so to get added to the taglist!

Summary: Reader is a supersoldier, one of a number, one of nine. Hydra´s backup for the asset. The group was started in 1974 and has been working under the radar, training for the day when the asset no longer exists. Lori is the only one left. Left in a cryo, she wasn’t discovered until 2023 when a certain captain and his buddy found her.

Words: 9k+ (I´m so sorry, this chapter, as a full thing, was a bit of a bitch)

Taglist: @selfsun

2024

Lori walked back to Wanda and immediately began to tell her what had just happened. She wanted to solidify it in her memory, it was one of the best things that had ever happened to her. Wanda was happy for her but made sure that she was okay before she asked for any details. They finished up the decorating while joking around before they walked to the kitchen. Wanda had to finish up her gifts for everyone, which happened to be cookies for everyone. Lori was not a baker and Wanda didn´t want help anyways, but Lori stayed as company.

The kitchen was also one of Lori´s favorite rooms to be in. It looked similar in almost every house and so did the compounds kitchen. Lori had a good memory from her life before Hydra and from before her mother started to hate her, and it had been in their kitchen, baking a cake together. She couldn´t remember why they were baking a cake, and she couldn´t remember what type of cake it was. All she could remember was that it was something she made with her mom.

Wanda talked away, as if she could feel the unrest and thinking Lori was doing. As if she was trying to distract Lori from her own mind. Wanda made sure to keep Lori busy with questions about the cookies for the other members. Like flavor, color and shapes. For Thor, they had decided on hammers and lightning bolts. His flavor of choice was always oranges and Wanda had made him orange-infused cookies. Loki would get cookies in the shape of reindeers with a mix of chocolate and vanilla flavor. Sam was getting bird-shaped chocolate-chip cookies. Wanda put a little more love into Sams cookies. They had gotten close over the past few years, but neither felt like it was the right time to pursue their feelings. Wanda was still in therapy after the loss of Vision. Loosing him twice had been a heavy blow to her and for a while she had let herself go which had led to her safety being in danger several times. Sam was always there for her but he had his own issues of course, suffering from more PTSD than he previosly had. The inifinity war and then endgame had brought back a lot of bad memories, and then having Steve leave had just been the icing on the cake.

Lori was quietly rooting for them to get together, and her christmas gift for Sam was part of that. Wanda was working quickly and using her powers to clean up while she was baking. Lori was sitting on the countertop and dangled her legs a bit. It was really nice to just hang out with Wanda and not have to think too hard on anything in particular. Peter eventually joined them and tried to snatch a few cookies which Wanda wouldn´t tolerate and Lori had to pull Peter away, into the livingroom, to stop the fighting.

A movie would surely distract Peter from the cookies and Lori could always use some Peter time. He was like a little brother to her and she loved him dearly. She loved spending time with him and watching their favorite movies. Currently they were knee-deep in Supernatural, the series, and they could fit in one of the christmas episodes before Sam would take charge of the tv and force them all to watch Die Hard, or some other bad christmas movie, he had been ranting about the past few weeks. Peter wasn´t brave enough to watch Supernatural on his own, so he came over two or three nights a week to watch a couple of episodes with Lori.

Once the episode was done Sam put on Die Hard to everyones groans and complaints. He didn´t care though and blabbered on about it being tradition. Despite the complaints everyone watched it, even the gods… although both Loki and Thor had questions about the plot. Sam did his best to explain or make sure they had patience for the plot to evolve and show itself. The 2 hour movie left them all exhausted on the couches. Lori and Peter had all but fallen asleep. Peter was laying on Lori who was laying on Bucky. The couch wasn´t very big, at least not for two supersoldiers and a boy who was still growing.

Bucky let out a soft cough and gently poked Lori to get her to sit up. “Come on sleepy head. Let´s get you to bed, the couch is comfortable but not as good as your bed, plus I might provide cuddles if you come with me,” he whispered and kissed Lori´s temple. She hummed and nodded before she slowly began to sit up. She gently nudged Peter and let him wake up fully before she pushed him off her. Lori was exhausted and she groaned as her back cracked when she stretched. The others looked over to her and she raised her eyebrows. “What? I´m almost 70, technically. Leave me alone,” she joked and that was the first time anyone had heard her joke about her age.

Age had been a very sensitive subject according to the therapist Lori had been paired with, but they had worked on it a lot. Lori clearly wasn´t 70 something years. She had been frozen for at least 30 of those years. Considering the serum and all her training the doctors had first aged her around 30 when she came to the compound. Technically she would have turned 30 the year she was put in cryo. It didn´t do her well to dwell on her age though. That was why she had started to joke about it. It took the bad vibes away from it.

Peter yawned but got up. They all helped clean up the livingroom before they made their way to their own rooms. Lori, Sam and Bucky all had rooms on the same floor. They took the elevator because they were all too tired for the stairs. Lori was the most tired and Bucky eventually picked her up as she seemed to be falling asleep standing.

Sam smirked as he saw the two of his best friends together. He was really happy for them. Of course he had noticed the change in their behavior towards each other during the afternoon. He may be a bit dull, but he wasn´t stupid. They went their separate ways from the elevator. Bucky carried Lori to her room and gently tucked her into bed where she would be the most comfortable. He got her a water-bottle as well to have on her nightstand. Once she was in bed he went to his own room and put on some news to fall asleep too. The quiet wasn´t something he enjoyed anymore, and he needed some sound around him to be able to fall asleep.

He slept well for a few hours. At 3.30 in the morning he woke up to something warm pressing against his right arm. He opened one eye and chuckled as he noticed Lori trying to slip in unnoticed. “Bad dreams or just cold?” He asked quietly and got comfortable on his back before opening his arms to let Lori curl up close. “A bit of both. This time of year brings out some bad memories. Plus I forgot to turn the heat up in my room and I´ve lost my extra blanket,” she mumbled and buried her face in Buckys neck. He was so warm, even his metal arm was at an ambient temperature.

Lori was soon asleep again, before Bucky had the chance to answer her, but he let her sleep. He wanted her to have all the energy possible for Christmas Eve, and if that meant sleeping in his bed, enveloped by his warmth, then he wouldn´t complain. He was also a little pissed that they didn´t have the time to cuddle during the evening before, but again, he wouldn´t complain. The past few days had been more than Bucky could have ever hoped for. He got to spend time with his family, and he had gotten together with a girl he had learned to know as a sweet and warm person, over the past few months. This Christmas definitely wouldn´t be so bad.

They slept through Buckys alarm. It had been set for 6 am, but neither of them heard it. They stayed cuddled up together until Friday made them aware of the other avengers waiting for them for breakfast. Bucky turned around to look at his phone, Lori seemed to be asleep still and he didn´t want to wake her up. They had no reason to get up early, The Donald Duck showing was available online and Lori had spoken on her wish to see it at around 3 pm local time. She claimed it felt right to watch it at 3 pm local time instead of Swedish time. That was all good with Bucky. He mumbled out a command for Friday to let them sleep in a bit more. He turned back to Lori who curled up to his side and pressed her lips against Buckys neck. “What´s going on? What time is it?” She asked softly, but she didn´t make any effort to wake up. “It´s just after 8, we can go back to sleep for a little bit,” he replied quietly and kissed her forehead.

While Bucky hadn´t expected himself to fall asleep again, he was glad he did when he woke up two hours later. He felt very relaxed and well-rested. Bucky turned his head and smiled as he found himself staring into the bright eyes of Lori. “Morning,” he mumbled and turned onto his side to look at Lori. “Merry Christmas Buck,” she said softly and leaned over, pecking his cheek quickly. Neither of them were much for laying in bed after having woken up and they decided to get up to get some breakfast.

Sam had made pancakes for everyone and once Bucky and Lori arrived in the kitchen he reheated four of the pancakes for the two supersoldiers. “We chose to bring out the whole deal so toppings are on the table,” he said and nodded to the big table to urge the two to sit down. “It started snowing late last night and it´s still going so we probably won´t be able to go anywhere. Wanda and I were thinking of going down to the river and pay our respects to Natasha, Vision and Tony. Pepper is going tomorrow with Morgan and we were thinking we could leave something nice at the memorial.” Sam continued and plated the pancakes for Bucky and Lori.

The two sat down by the table and smiled as Sam served them the pancakes. Lori decided to put jelly on her pancakes. She had never really liked Nutella, well she liked it, but only in croissants. She got the raspberry jam and put some on her pancakes before she poured herself some mango-juice. “I would really like to come with you to the memorial. If that´s alright?” Lori asked softly before she dug into her pancakes. They were delicious of course. Sam and Wanda nodded eagerly and smiled. They both looked to Bucky who shook his head a bit. He had never been able to ask for forgivness from Tony, and he felt unworthy of paying respect to people he had once fought. It didn´t matter how much Wanda and Sam encouraged him to go, or how much Morgan had begged him to go. It felt wrong.

“You guys go, and I´ll clean up and prep lunch for us, okay?” Bucky asked and smiled softly. The three in front of him smiled and nodded in agreement. None of them wanted to force Bucky into a situation where he would feel uncomfortable. Lori gulped dopwn her juice and pancakes happily. “These are so good Sam, what do we have to do to get you to make these every day?” She asked and looked at Sam. He chuckled and shook his head. “Nothing in the world can make me get up early enough to make breakfast for y´all,” he said and looked back at Lori.

She finished eating after fifteen minutes or so and leaned back in her seat groaning softly. She closed her eyes and leaned her head back hearing a familiar crack in her neck. Wanda made a sound of disgust and shuddered. “I really wish you would stop doing that,” she said and poked Lori´s arm. “Hey, don´t judge my bones, or get me new ones,” she teased Wanda back and slapped her hand away gently.

Sam, Wanda, and Lori left the kitchen once they had put the dishes in the dishwasher. Sam and Lori went to their floor while Wanda went to her own, or rather the one she sometimes shared with Peter and they all got dressed for the snowy, and chilly december day. Lori went for some sweatpants and a hoodie, sure it wasn´t super-conventional to go to a memorial site in such clothing, but she would stand back, she was there for her friends, not those the memorial was for.

Sam had gone for jeans and a nicer shirt and jacket while Wanda had put on a dark red dress and her coat. Sure Lori felt a bit underdressed but it was okay. Peter, Pepper and Morgan were all going the next day so she didn´t have to impress anyone. They left Bucky to prepare lunch. He had promised not to go overboard with it but they all knew he would anyways. Bucky always went all in with a task. He was planning on making meatballs, baked potatoes, and cooked salmon for them all.

The three avengers didn´t stay long at the meorial. Sam and Wanda left their gifts for Vision and Natasha and they all wished the three former avnegers a merry christmas and a happy new year. Lori stuffed her hands in her pockets and pulled her shoulders up towards her ears. It was getting windy out and if this continued they would get snowed in over the new years. She looked up to the sky and took a deep breath. She jumped a bit when she felt a heavy hand land on her shoulder. it was warms o she figured it was Thor, and she was correct.

Thor had decided to join them in silence. While he wasn´t close with all of the avengers he still had serious respect for them all, and he for sure missed Tony a lot. Tony had helped him get past a rough patch, and Thor didn´t believe he had repaid that debt. He therefore saw it as his duty to keep a check on the universe and the new avengers in Tony´s stead. Lori gave him a soft smile and patted his hand. “Are you and your brother staying til tomorrow?” She asked quietly. Thor seemed to shake himself out of his thoughts before he replied. “Yes, we also know swedish people traditionally celebrate tonight so we thought we´d dance around the tree with you tonight. And it might bring you joy that Loki has agreed, although quite unwillingly,” he said with a bright smile.

“Wow, that´s huge coming from Loki,” Lori chuckled and stepped closer to Thor who wrapped his arm around her shoulder. She felt really happy around the gods. Thor was like the teddy bear brother she had always wanted, while Loki was the kind of brother who made sure she was educated and always had books to read. Loki had helped Lori with a lot of the history in the past 30 years. She had missed a lot. Espeially when it came to freedom and technology. While the technology hadn´t been hard to grasp, it had been ahrd to grasp that Europe was no longer as segregated as it had once been. The soviet was no more, and neither was Yugoslavia. Sweden had joined the European Uninion, and the world looked slightly different. A few wars had been fought, a few were still ongoing. Old conflicts had been exchanged for new ones.

Lori was really confused by the new world. She couldn´t understand why peace wasn´t an option or why people couldn´t get along. She had also found that social media added a whole other problem, and that more fights were breaking out because of it. It was all very strange and Lori did her best to stay out of conflicts. She had an instagram, but she barely used it, and it was run by HR anyways. She never read comments, she didn´t read news about herself or the team.

She was unsure where her thoughts came from, but she guessed it was because of the current season and the holiday in front of them. Lori had always learned that Christams was for thanking God for everything in her life. Sweden of course didn´t have thanksgiving and very few other holidays were they would be thankful. It was weird. It was strange to have gone from Europe to USA. The culture was very different. It had been a schock to Lori in the beginning. Now, while she wouldn´t say it didn´t bother her, she could handle the different culture and how different people were.

Sam and Wanda came over to the god and the supersoldier and Lori held her hand out for Wanda. Anyone with a sense, knew Wanda needed some comforting. Vision had been a very important person to her. A role no one could really fill, even though some had tried. Wanda smiled at Lori and stayed close to her as they made their way back to the compound. The snow was coming down hard now and eventually they found themselves running to the compound, rather than walking. They made it inside just in the for the wind to pick up as well, and they all let out a sigh of relief.

Wanda seemed cold and Lori made sure to get her to the couch and wrap her up in a few blankets. “Do you want some tea?” Lori asked and gently stroke Wandas hair. They were so close now, like sisters. Wanda nodded and Lori walked to the kitchen to get her a cup of hot tea. Bucky was all up in the cooking and Lori chuckled a bit as she watched him. “Hey there Ace, want some help?” She asked as she filled the ketle with water. She flipped the little switch and turned around to watch Bucky while she crossed her arms.

“Only if you´d like too sweetie. You dont have to,” he said and shrugged. “I´ll happily help,” Lori replied quickly and smiled at him. “I just need to get the tea to Wanda,” she added and walked over to Bucky wrapping an arm around his waist. She leaned up and pressed her lips to his cheek. “I´m awful when it comes to cooking but I can for sure roll the meatballs,” she chuckled and hummed as she leaned her head on Buckys flesh arm. The water was done within seconds, much thanks to Stark tech, which Lori had learned fairly quickly.

Everything was fast, there was no need to wait for anything really. It had been a strange thing to get accostumed too. Speed with any kind of technology in the late 60s and early 70s wasn´t something that existed. Television was a very good example. During the 60s Sweden only had one channel. It wasn´t until 69 that sweden got its second tv-channel. Lori´s family recieved a tv in 1965, but Lori wasn´t allowed to watch a whole lot of it. She wasn´t allowed to watch tv everyday until she was 18, in 1970. 1970 was also the year they officially got colored television. Losing all that when she was pulled into Hydra and then getting it all back multiplied by a million was a weird and unsettling experience.

Technology had been, as one would imagine a tough learning curve. Hydra had techonolgy, and “modern” one at that, but Lori had still gone into the ice in the late 80s or early 90s. Everything was different back then. She had still to fully grasp the wastness of television and cellphones. Her phone wasn´t used a lot and charged maybe once a week because she used it so little. Had she been given a choice she would have skipped the phone completely.

Bucky kissed her forehead before he helped her get a cup, and some of the better tea that was stored higher up. Lori prepared the cup quickly and brought it out to Wanda, who had been joined by Sam on the couch. Lori handed her the cup before she made her way back to the kitchen. The big windows showed the snow coming down harder than Lori had ever seen before. “Would you mind if I put on some music?” She asked Bucky who shrugged as a reply. He wasn´t much for music, but he realized Lori would feel better with it on in the background.

Lori was aware that Bucky didn´t care much for music, so normally she wouldn´t put on music. There was enough noice going on around them anyways, but now the compound was silent, and nature made no sound. Birds weren´t chirping, and the snow falling on the windows and roof wasn´t audible. “Friday, please play my Christmas list, low volume,” Lori said out into the blue, before she washed her hands to be able to roll some meatballs. Bucky had heard part of her christmas list earlier and he actually liked it. It was mostly older songs, and even better, older versions of the songs, none of the Mariah Carey-shit. He couldn´t handle the newer versions, it was too much pop, or whatever the kids called it.

A lot of the songs were also in swedish, and Bucky wasn´t too mad about that. As an american in the 1920s his geography lessons had been less than detailed. Hell, not all states had been formed when Bucky was born, and not when he was in school either. Bucky had been good in school. He had always been an overachiever, but he had also had an academic interest which he would have pursued had he not inlisted. He chuckled to himself at the thought. It was always strange to imagine the life he would have, was it not for the war. For one, he would be dead, probably by a few years margin. Second he would have most likely found himself a good girl to marry. Maybe that girl would have been Dolores.

He tended not to dwell on what could have been. That had been every therapists recommendation, and so he didn´t. But sometimes, like with the music that was clearly from the 60s, 70s, and 80s, thoughts came wandering. He felt lucky to be a part of the avengers though, because it meant he was isolated. He didn´t have to change too much to fit in with the outside world if he didn´t want to. He didn´t have to listen to modern music because that´s what others did, he could stick with his 20s and 30s jazz.

Bucky looked over to Lori who was humming along to one of the swedish songs that was playing. He wasn´t in any rush to finish his tasks, as it would be better to have the meatballs done first. Almost everything else was already prepared. He decided to help Lori, it would go a bit quicker that way even if she seemed fairly sure with the rolling. He washed his hands before he took his place besides Lori and grabbed some of the meat. He had gone for beef raher than pork, neither Lori, Sam or Wanda liked pork.

They had all of the meat rolled up and lined on a sheet in just a few minutes, Lori had already done a big part of it. Bucky put the tray in the oven and set a timer for 20 minutes. He had a bit of a different approach to meatballs than many others. He always threw them in the oven and then fried them up in some crushed tomatoes. It wasn´t traditionally how meatballs were made in Sweden, because of course he had looked that up.

Lori hummed to herself before she began to sing along with the song that was playing. She was no singer, that was for sure, but she didnt sing for others. Her therapist had asked what her hobbies had been before she was kidnapped and Lori had answered singing so here she was singing, trying to take back what she had liked. Her mother had always sung Christmas songs with her when they were driving during the winter. That had been some of the best times of Lori´s life.

Wanda and Sam came into the kitchen together. They both seemed happy and calm, and Wanda seemed to be a lot warmer. “Hey, lunch should be done in about half an hour or so,” Bucky said and smiled at the two. Sam nodded and patted Wandas shoulder. “I´ll get a fire started in the diningroom, maybe you could set the table Wan?” Sam asked and smiled at them all. Wanda nodded and Lori offered to help her, but Wanda declined, reasoning that Lori had helped Bucky cook. Lori huffed and crossed her arms, ready to argue but Wanda just turned her around and pushed her into Bucky. “Dance with her and make sure she stays out of my way while I set the table,” Wanda told Bucky and left the two in the kitchen.

Bucky managed to catch Lori by the waist and kept her close. “Well, my lady, would you care to dance with me?” He asked and held out his hand for her to take. She took his hand gently and squealed as he pulled her closer and placed his other hand on her waist. Lori had never danced. She had learnt a bit during her time in Hydra, but only enough for one mission. Bucky asked Friday to raise the volume slightly and the two began to dance to the tunes of `Have yourself a merry little christmas`. The Sinatra version. If it was one thing that Bucky had learnt it was that Lori really liked Sinatras voice and found it soothing enough that she often fell asleep with his music playing.

It was very noticable that neither of them were used to dancing or had done it in a long while, but that was alright. They managed to avoid each others toes at least, which they were both happy with. Dancing with Bucky was fun. Lori had never had that much fun. She felt seen for the first time. The timer for the oven went off behind them and they both sighed. Bucky leaned down and pressed a quick, and soft, kiss to Loris´ lips before he released her to take out the meatballs. Lori stood frozen for a second before she decided to move so she was out of the way.

Bucky got the meatballs and immediatly tossed them into a pot he had prepared with tomato-sauce. He wasn´t sure what spices to toss in so he had gone for paprika, garlic, black pepper, and oregano. He had also shredded some mozzarella beforehand. Again it wasn´t a very traditional thing to have on Christmas, but it was meatballs at least. He turned the pot, which contained water and potatoes, on. Lori stayed out of the way as this was Buckys field now. She jumped up on an empty counter and swung her legs a bit as she watched Bucky work.

The food was prepared to perfection, everyone thought so, apart from Bucky. He was happy with most of it, but he was nervous. He wanted Lori to approve of it so badly. He had done it all for her after all. He wanted her to be able to hold on to some traditions, and if that meant them all eating together for two whole days then so be it. He would also sit through an hour of Donald Duck for Lori if it made her happy.

They all helped each other fix up the last of the lunch and took it out into the dining room. Bucky called out to everyone through Friday and they all gathered in the dining room. Aunt May had arrived just in time for lunch, and Peter had brought Ned as well. Scott and Hope was there, like Bruce and the gods. Lori sat down between Loki and Bucky. She poured herself and Bucky some water and asked wether Loki wanted some or if he was drinking mead. He accepted the water quietly and the whole team began to dig into the food on the table. There was definitely enough for them all.

Conversations were started and ended, but no one was arguing, as if it was a quiet rule. Not even Bruce and Thor argued about what was magic and what was science. Loki was quiet in general apart from when Wanda asked him a few questions abut his powers and how they differed from hers. They hadn´t always seen eye to eye and they hadn´t had a lot of time together to just talk. Lori smiled her way through the lunch. She felt happy, and safe. Safe was the most important, but feeling happy was an amazing experince.

The food was all eaten by half past two. Sam was complaining about how full he was and Wanda was teasing him for it. Bucky was quiet but he looked satisfied and happy. Thor was wondering if there was more food while Loki had picked up his book. Lori sighed happily before she began to clear the table. It was getting close to tv-time but it was always nice to have some stuff cleared up. She grabbed all the plates and got them all to the dishwasher. Bucky helped her of course and they cleared off the table quickly, and then moved to the livingroom with the rest of the team.

Bucky took the two-seat couch and patted the seat besides him to invite Lori, who made her way over to him happily. Sam and Wanda took the other two-seater while the others sprawled out on the third couch or the bean-bags on the floor. Bucky wrapped a blanket around them and pulled Lori into his arms before he asked Friday to play the Donald Duck showing from the swedish television with english subtitles.

Lori curled up to his side and laid her head on his shoulder as the hour-long segment started. She was quite invested in it in general and laughed a bit as the music was all in swedish. She could definitely recognize a lot of it from her childhood but there was also some new parts she didn´t know off. even when she was a kid there would always be new parts to the show, seeing as Disney were growing. Some of the original scenes had been shortened and some were completely new, from recent movies.

She was close to falling asleep by the end of the hour, as a mix of the food and just the calmness she was experiencing. She was happy. No other word could describe what she was feeling. Content maybe, but in general it was a positive experience and she was very glad she got to share this moment with the people that had saved her and helped her. She was especially happy that Bucky felt like spending the time with her, and her crazy traditions. He truly had done a lot for her in her months at the compound, and part of her regretted how she had treated him in the beginning. Especially when she broke his nose.

Bucky stroke her arm lazily. She was warm and soft under his touch, but he was cautious. He knew her strength, and part of him felt responsible. But he wasn´t with her out of pity, and he hadn´t enjoyed their kiss out of pity. The only thing he hated, was seeing what Hyda had destroyed within her. Much like how they destroyed him. Stripped him of his personality and replaced it with the one of a killer. While he was uncertain about the fate Lori had planned for her while in Hydra, he was under the impression she didn´t have as many kills under her belt as he did. He sighed softly before he stretched.

His watch showed 4.07 pm and he hummed. “I kind of want to take you out tonight, to a really nice place I usually go to for peace and quiet. How does that sound?” He asked quietly into Lori´s ear. She looked back and up at him and nodded. Her face was heating up quite a bit at the thought but she would love to spend a larger amount of time alone with Bucky. “Do you mean like a date or just dinner?” She asked and bit her bottom lip. Bucky chuckled softly and nodded. “Well, I was thinking of it as a date. But, changes can be made,” Bucky said but Lori shook her head. “No, no, I´d be very happy to go on a date with you, as long as it stops snowing,” she mumbled and looked to the outside to the darkness that faced them.

The team went their separate ways. The gods were going to Aasgard. Well, new Aasgard, to celebrate the night there. Wanda and Sam had plans on going out on their own, and Bruce was off to help some of the local hospitals with some new equipment. Peter and May were opting to just stay in and take a nice evening together. Lori got to her room to get ready. She had asked Wanda for help. She had no talent in putting together an outfit, which was why she was mostly in sweats or cargo pants. A black shirt went well with that obviously, and that´s why her warderobe looked just as dark as the vast space.

Wanda came to her room half an hour after Lori, and knocked before she opened the door. “Okay, let´s get you dolled up, I brought three dresses, two skirts, and some blouses that you can choose from. I also know you own two pairs of black jeans, one pair untorn, that I would recommend you keep in mind,” she explained as she placed the clothes on Loris bed. Of course she noticed it was made like it had been the day before, and she quickly deduced it hadn´t been slept in at all and that Lori had spent the night with Bucky. She didn´t mention it though, it was none of her business.

“Do you want to borrow a bracelet or some earrings. Maybe a necklace?” Wanda asked as she went through Loris wardrobe in search of a few nice shirts and her jeans, which she had realized Lori wasn´t wearing. “So, do you know where Bucky´s taking you?” She asked and looked over at Lori. Lori just shook her head and sighed. “He said a nice, quiet place,” she replied and sighed softly. “That makes me want to bet on jeans and a nice shirt or blouse. Maybe I can borrow the gray one from you?” She asked and looked to Wanda. “Of course you can borrow it. Are you wearing heels or just sneakers? Or are you going for like proper boots?” Wanda asked and frowned knowing Lori favored the boots over almost anything. Lori shrugged and looked to her warderobe, and her small selection of shoes.

Lori walked over and picked up her boots. They were simple matte black ones, but she really liked them. They were very comfortable. And they would keep her warm through the snow. “I´m going with the boots today, so jeans it is. I think the gray blouse would look great with them and then I´ll just throw on my black coat on top of that,” Lori explained and pulled everything out to line it up on the bed. “Are you sure? You won´t get cold when you take the coat off then?” Wanda asked and frowned. Lori chuckled a bit at Wandas worrying expression. “I´m a super-soldier Wan. I run warm, just like Bucky. We aren´t as affected by the cold,” she smiled and shrugged. “Plus I´m guessing I´m getting some warm food and possibly coffee or tea after that, so either way I should be fine,” she added quickly.

She really liked the outfit they had picked out. The jeans and blouse fit her perfectly and she pulled on some socks before she pulled on her boots. Wanda walked over to her nightstand and picked up the necklace Lori had lying there. “Wear this as well,” She said and helped Lori put it on. It was quite squiggly and silver but it was still very simple and went with pretty mcuh whatever Lori was wearing. Lori turned around when she was done and held out her hands. “Well, do you think this will be okay?” She asked Wanda and frowned. Wanda smiled and nodded happily. “You look great Lori,” she replied and skipped over to Lori to hug her. Wanda didn´t mention make-up as Lori didn´t wear make-up, ever. She found it unneccessary, seeing as she always got sweaty on missions. And she didn´t understand the whole deal anyways, there was just too much of it.

Back in her day, back in the 60s, when Lori would have been wearing makeup, the things she used was eyeliner and mascara and that was it. Now there was so much more, and so many different versions of essentially the same product. She had felt so confused while walking into a CVS, and seeing the whole aisle of makeup. It had freaked her out to begin with, not that she cared if anyone else liked it, or used that much makeup. She was just worried that that was the supposedly new normal.

She didn´t put on any makeup for the date either. It was still snowing and that was a good way to get runny mascara, which wasn´t a very attractive look. Wanda skipped out of her room to get ready for her own dinner date. Lori watched herself in the mirror and took a deep breath. The date would either be wonderful or it would be awful, she was hoping for the first option. She took a deep breath before she left her room to go look for Bucky.

He wasn´t far away, waiting in the living room. They were matching, but as always great minds think alike, and Lori was surprised to see him in dark pants, a lighter shirt and a leather jacket. She walked over to him and smiled softly. “You look great,” she said quietly as she began to pull her jacket on so they could leave immediately. Bucky looked up at her and let his eyes wander for a few seconds before he smiled back at her.

“YOU look great. Let´s take one of the nicer cars,” he said and held out his right hand for Lori to hold. She took it happily and intwined their fingers as Bucky led them down to the garage. He had a love for the very beautiful Range Rover the government had bought them. It was sleek, black, and frankly Bucky liked it for all the horsepowers it had. It was also a great car for the winter. He opened the door for Lori and helped her in before he walked over to the drivers side and got in.

It was manual. Bucky approved off that. Not that it mattered a whole lot to him anyways, he didn´t even have a valid drivers license. Sam had pestered him about it the past year but Bucky just couldn´t be bothered, plus he was well recognized as an avenger so cops didn´t stop him. Despite Bucky missing a lisence, Lori preferred his driving over anyone elses. He was always safe, and always kept to the speed-limits. Unless a situation needed him to exceed them.

Lori curled up in the seat and turned the heat on. Not because she was cold but rather because it was comfortable. Bucky glanced over at her every now and then as he drove and he eventually reached over and placed his hand on her leg. Lori smiled and placed her own hand over Buckys. Sure it was his metal-hand, and yes it was a bit cold, but Lori wasn´t bothered by it.

Loris life with Hydra had been hard, rough, and cold, but she had always found comfort in the strict schedule she had to follow. It had changed since then. It was the same shape, but so very different in structure. She couldn´t get to the metal nerves of it and it still bothered her a bit, she just didn´t know why.

Bucky parked the car by a diner which looked to be ancient. He got out of the car and got the door for Lori. “I used to visit this diner back in the 30s and 40s, before the war,” he explained and held out his arm for Lori to hook her own with. She did just that and stayed close to Bucky. “It looks very cozy,” she said softly as she followed him inside. Bucky introduced Lori to the owner, an 80 year old woman who seemed to be slighty too old to run a diner, but she was very nice and active for her age.

They got a table in the far corner from the door and a menu each. They weren´t as sticky as Lori would have expected from a diner. Of course Lori had a preset thought of american diners, but if this was as old as Bucky claimed it to be, she was excited. She looked through the menu but fairly early decided on a burger. It was simple, and no one could make a bad burger in Loris mind.

The old lady returned to take their orders. Bucky ordered a burger as well and diet sodas for them both. Lori watched him, and tilted her head as she leaned her elbows on the table. The lady left them to it for now but returned a few minutes later with their drinks. Not a word had been exchnaged between the two supersoldiers during that time. Once they had their drinks and were properly settled in Bucky let out a soft sigh. “I told Steve to take Peggy here when we were fighting the war, little did I know he wouldn´t come back home. And even less did I know he´d return to her from the 2020s,” he said as he turned the glass in his hand.

“You used to come here before the war with him, didn´t you?” Lori asked and smiled a bit. She really couldn´t imagine Bucky in the 30s and 40s, but she still tried. How different he must have been. How different everything must have been back then. Everything was very different for Lori, just from the beginning of the 90s til the 2020s. She despised some parts of it, but felt lucky to have been able to experience other parts.

Bucky nodded to her question and crossed his arms. “Yeah, the lil punk used to come here with me. Usually I tried to set up double dates for us, but he was never interested. All he wanted to do was serve,” Bucky explained and looked over to a wall of pictures. Lori followed his gaze and saw a bunch of black and white pictures. Some which clearly resembled Bucky and Steve before the serum. She was very thankful for her enhanced eyesight, which made it easier to see the pictures without having to move. “His father died before he was born, right?” Lori asked and glanced over at Bucky once more. She was trying to tread lightly knowing how important that time, and memories were to Bucky.

“Mhm, he died in the first war, two months before Steve was born. His mom used to say she was lucky that I had entered Steves life. She was working a lot to make sure they were both in a good position, and it helped if Steve stayed at my place,” he said and smiled at the memories. He didn´t have a lot of them, but some of the early memories had come back. “My family had money, I lost my ma when I was a kid, and pa went when I was a teenager. By then it was just me and Becca,” Bucky continued.

Lori listened with great interest. There was only so much she could deduce from a file. She had learned that stories were told, not written in a file. She took a sip of her soda as she listened to Bucky. He spoke of the 30s and 40s with such care. “Becca was sent off to some boarding school, and I didn´t get to see her before I was enrolled. I´ve seen her later on in life. She turned 100, four years ago and I was there to celebrate her, but she passed away a year later. I don´t keep in contact with her kids, it doesn´t feel right,” he added and bit his lip. He wasn´t interested in getting to know his family.

“I can understand that. My cousins have reached out to me, and their kids as well, but I… I just couldn´t bear to face them,” Lori said and sighed. “But, I´m eternally greatful for the family I´ve found with you at the compound.” She said quickly and gave Bucky a soft smile as a reassurance. “Yeah, I was very lucky to be able to join Steve and Sam for a few years. Even if Sam is a pain in the ass he´s still my best friend,” Bucky said and reached out for Loris hand. Lori took his hand quickly and smiled.

The food arrived just a few minutes later, and despite it being on the standard diner plates it looked amazing. And it smelled amazing too. “This looks great,” she told the old lady and got her hand back from Bucky to dig into her burger. She had always been eating the burger before fries. The burger was the main meal after all, and the fries were just a side. Sure she loved fries, but not as much as she loved a proper burger. Bucky started with two fries before he picked up his burger and turned it upside down. Lori watched him and raised an eyebrow but turned her burger as well before she took a big bite of it.

She moaned softly at the taste of it and closed her eyes. Everything about the burger was just perfect. It was savory, and round in flavor. The dressing was delicious and went very well with the pickled red onion. “Okay, from now on, I trust you wherever you take me on a date,” Lori said once she was finished chewing and swallowing her bite. Bucky chuckled at her and shook his head. “This is honestly the only good place I know. I´ve refrained from going to Manhattan or popular New York in general,” he explained and took another bite of his burger.

Lori continued to eat and a few bites in she coughed slightly as a piece of her burger got stuck in her throat. She groaned softly as she swallowed it down with a few sips of her soda. “Fuck, I should know better than to chug down food, shouldn´t I?” She asked and laughed. Bucky laughed with her and reached over with his napkin to wipe some dressing off of her chin. “Hey, I can´t blame you. The burgers are amazing,” he said and smiled softly. He finished his burger in three more bites, and Lori was amazed at how much he could fit into his mouth.

“What´cha staring at doll?” He asked between bites and leaned back as he swallowed his last bite. “Oh, nothing, just a real cute guy,” she teased him and smirked as she watched him. She finished her burger just in time for the old lady to come back and asked how they found their meals. They both thanked the old lady and asked her to send their compliments to the chef. “Well, my husband will be very happy to hear it. You kids are welcome here any time, we love seeing Bucky here, and it´s so nice to see him bring a lady with him,” she said and patted Loris shoulder.

Lori felt her face heat up and looked down at her hands. She wasn´t embarassed, but she felt as if she was getting praise she didn´t deserve. “She is the only one I feel comfortable enough to bring here,” Bucky explained. Lori looked up at him and bit her lip. “Oh, so you´re the only one who can beat him up, when that is necessary?” The old lady asked and placed a hand on her hip while giving Bucky a stern look. Bucky blushed and coughed to himself. “I´ll have you know that I´m a very nice man ma`am, no need for a beating here,” he said quickly. Lori couldn´t help but laugh and shake her head. “Don´t worry ma`am, he already knows I´ll win, I´ve done it once before,” Lori said and glanced to Bucky.

Bucky groaned as he thought back to the day and moment Lori was referring to. He had known Lori was like him, but he had thought she would go easy on him. Or that he´d have the upperhand, with his metal arm and his years of experience and training, but no. He had pushed her over the edge with his teasing and she had broken his nose and bruised him up good. “Yeah, and I was a mouthbreather for a week, that´s your favorite story to tell, but I´m sure Mrs. Green has better things to take of right now,” Bucky said and gritted his teeth a bit. He did not like to be ridiculed, and that story really wasn´t a suitable date-story.

With a sigh Lori instead dug into her fries. “Sorry, but you were the first person I got to fight, and also the first person I touched voluntarily after I came out of the Cryo,” Lori said softly. She didn´t mean to embarass Bucky at all, it was a good memory to her, despite hurting a person she had come to hold very dear. Bucky ate his fries in silence but hummed in approval of her apology. “I know doll, it´s just… I was undefeated until you came along, so my ego was bruised,” he said and frowned. Lori gave him a small smile and reached out to take his hand. “I get it, but hey, I´ll let you win next time, alright? I could use a more fair challenge than Wanda anyways,” she teased him and moved her hand out of his before he could smack it playfully.

“She is quite the unfair fight, isn´t she?” Bucky asked with a chuckle. Lori nodded and laughed. “But it´s great practice, she really keeps me on my toes when we train,” Lori said and shrugged while she polished off her fries. Bucky did the same and leaned back patting his stomach. “Please don´t tell me you´re better than sharing a slice of apple pie with me and have some coffee or tea?” Lori said and smirked at him. “Oh, I´m better. I suggest we get a slice each, and bring them back to the compound for a movie, I can even drive us past a Starbucks if you´d like. I know how much you like their drinks,” he teased Lori.

Lori lit up in front off Bucky and nodded eagerly. “Oh, yes please, I want a peppermint hot chocolate so bad,” she said and clapped her hands excitedly. Bucky chuckled again and ordered their apple pies when Mrs. Green came back. He also brought out his wallet to be ready to pay. Their pies came back in a cute little box with a bow on top. “It´s on the house today kids, just come back every month, alright?” Mrs. Green said and smiled at them both. Lori thanked the old lady a few times and once more complimented the food.

Bucky stood up and reached out to take Loris hand while she grabbed their to-go box. He stepped closer to her and pecked her lips. “Thank you for coming out with me, I always love spending time with you,” he mumbled against her soft lips. Lori smiled against his lips and pressed hers to his once more. “No, thank you Buck, I haven´t really ever been on a date, but this was just perfect,” she said softly with a smile. She was happy, and it showed. Bucky led her out to the car and opened the door for her. “Keep the pie safe, or I´ll have you pay for it later,” Bucky teased Lori who protectively wrapped her arms around the box. He laughed at her and shook his head before he closed the door behind her and got behind the wheel.

“So, Starbucks, and then back home to a movie?” Bucky asked as he backed out of the parking lot. Lori looked out the window at the snow that came down in beautiful flakes. It had eased up quite a bit while they were at dinner. Bucky drove them for a little while before Lori asked him to stop. “You brought your mobilephone, right?” She asked as Bucky parked the car by the side of the road. He nodded with a frown. “Could you take a picture of me, in the snow?” She asked excitedly and opened the car door.

Bucky nodded once more and got out of the car as well. “Alright, let´s do it, but quickly, it´s windy and I really want some coffee,” He confessed and got his phone from his pocket. He looked at the background and directed Lori to a place she could stand. Seeing as Bucky hadn´t turned the car off the headlights would work as their lightsource. “Okay, now hold up your hands as if you´re trying to catch the snow,” he insisted and held the phone up to snap a few pictures, from which Lori could choose her favorite.

Lori rushed back to the car and got in blowing some warm air onto her hands. Sure, both her and Bucky could withstand colder temperatures for a longer time, but it was still uncomfortable to be in. “Okay, let´s get drinks and then go home. This is enough nature for me today,” Lori laughed and turned the seat heat on for them both.

#Bucky Barnes #bucky barnes fanfiction #bucky x oc #bucky fanfic #bucky barnes x oc #Winter Soldier #the winter soldier #winter solider fanfiction #winter soldier x oc #the winter solider fanfiction #seapandorasfics #seapandoraswritings #marvel #Avengers #avengers fanfiction #avengers x oc

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unibrowzz · 4 years

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My 2020 reviews

All the cool kids were doing these so now I finally dragged my ass into doing them too lmao.

Albania- Fall from the Sky

A song I swear cursed this whole contest from the moment it won Festivali i Këngës. Like with the shitshow this song caused I just knew the whole year was fucked. With half the fandom whining they didn’t get their first club song of the year to the other half smugly shoving it as their winner despite no other songs being around to compare it to, the whole fiasco just left me knowing that 2020 would end in tears, just hopefully not my own. As for the song, it’s lame. It’s a standard ballad with OBSCENE amounts of autotune, which is weird because the girl can actually sing pretty decently without it, so why they decided to make her sound like a damn computer is beyond me. And WHY did they translate it, haven't the past few years proven that Albania's better off leaving their songs in Albanian?

Armenia- Chains on You

A bootleg Ariana Grande song, and a really shit one at that. The kind of song only people who think being young, gay and mean counts as having a personality would say is good.

Australia- Don’t Break Me

One of the few decent Australian entries (but that REALLY isn’t saying much coming from me, I barely care they’re in the contest by this point) but marred by a horribly untidy performance and lacklustre lyrics. At least it’s not fucking pop-opera, that’s all I can say. I’d rather listen to the sound of my face being dragged down the runway at Heathrow airport than be subjected to another Zero Gravity.

Austria- Alive

One of those pseudo-jazz dance songs, á la Olly Murs or Bruno Mars (I swear there’s a song like this in every recent contest). I mean, it’s good, but it’s just kinda meh since I’m kinda getting tired of this genre rearing its fedora-wearing head every time a new lineup rolls in.

Azerbaijan- Cleopatra

One of the “better” trashy entries this year, comprised of about five different musical genres, six ancient cultures being appropriated and absolutely zero class. Probably sounds at least 50% better when you’re absolutely steaming drunk and face down on the floor in the middle of a gay bar.

Belarus- Da Vidna

Somehow, this song sounds both very unique and original yet trite and average at the same time. I couldn’t decide whether listening to it was a new experience or if I’d heard it a million times before.

Belgium- Release Me

A song which just drones on till it ends. I would say it’s ripping off the song that won last year, but it forgot that having a chorus stops your song from being three minutes of snooze.

Bulgaria- Tears Getting Sober

A typical breathy mumble-girl song, AKA a genre I can’t fucking stand. Really don’t see the hype with this one, the melody is pretty but the vocals are out for lunch and it’s otherwise completely and utterly boring.

Croatia- Divlji Vjetre

One of the token big dramatic ballads you listen to once, enjoy, then forget about until Darius in the Discord server plays it one night whilst you’re hitting up the radio bot with requests. You’ll find that “nice, but forgettable” is a common theme for this year.

Cyprus- Running

Ironically Cyprus didn’t send a crappy Fuego knockoff for 2020, and I say ironically because a crappy Fuego knockoff would’ve actually stood out this year, and I say crappy because honestly Fuego wasn’t even all that great to begin with. "Running” itself is just one of those edgy tortured soul pop songs which, let’s be honest, would have been paired with an impressive performance which would’ve overshadowed how bland it is. Kind of like “You’re the Only One”. Or even Fuego for that matter.

Czech Republic- Kemama

Standard Afro-pop, a genre we don't often see at the contest so I'll let it pass. I feel like this is the kind of song that’s infinitely better live, and that it would’ve been one of those songs that suddenly became a frontrunner after the semi finals, but I guess we’ll never know eh?

Denmark- Yes

The quintessential mid-10s Eurovision song. It's got guitars, happy people, Scandinavian origins… it’s just a typical radio guitar song, nothing special.

Estonia- What Love Is

I mean it's better than La Forza. Granted, the sound of someone pissing directly onto a microphone installed in the bowl of a toilet would sound better than La Forza but still. Going back to this song, it’s just... a standard Eastern-ballad with some very desperate lyrics. It feels kind of outdated, if I’m honest. Like something about this just reeks of 2011.

Finland- Looking Back

Yet another dreary, forgettable ballad. It comes to something when the best song they COULD have sent was a party song which sounded like it was from the mid 90s. At least that song was memorable. That said, this one at least has some decent lyrics. Bravo for that I guess.

France- Mon Alliée

France decides to say “fuck it” to being an underground fan-favourite and takes a leaf out of the UKs book by sending the same rent-a-Swede schlock they’ve been sending since 2015. I’m just confused as to why anyone in their right mind would choose to follow the UKs example but you do you France.

Germany- Violent Thing

A rehash of Sweden's entry from two years ago, but this time sung by Justin Bieber circa 2008. Kind of alright if you can stomach the singer's whiny voice, but otherwise pretty dull and kinda forgettable.

Greece- Superg!rl

Hello fellow kidz, we are hearing you like the girl power? The super heroes? The t3xt $p3ech? We made you song, please give us the votes *dabs*

Georgia- Take me as I Am

I mean… this sure is a choice. This feels like one of those songs that everyone memes on because the lyrics are kinda janky and the singer’s voice (and accent) take a bit of getting used to, but other than that it’s just one of those NQ songs for hipster fans to declare as their unironic winner at a later date. All in all this just feels like the male equivalent of one of those mid-10s fat acceptance women’s songs, only a lot shoutier and this time he has more flaws than not being skinny.

Iceland- Think About Things

A bootleg George Ezra song, performed by a load of disinterested tumblr users in their pyjamas. Because if there’s one thing that sells me on a song, it’s being given the evils by a bunch of nerds who look like they’ll send me death threats for not agreeing with their Pokémon headcanons. To be fair, the song is kind of groovy since it sounds so 70s, but the performance is very off-putting to people who aren’t in the Eurovision loop. And also people who are, because I sure as Hell don’t see the appeal in this myself and this whole performance just feels like Save Your Kisses for Me without the charm. I feel like this would’ve come second or third, definitely with a lot of televotes but either the jury would’ve dragged it down or it wouldn’t have scored enough televotes to win.

Ireland- Story of my Life

A song that’s at LEAST ten years out of date by this point, think like an early Katy Perry, Jessie J or Avril Lavigne song. I’ll forgive it because even though it sounds like it should’ve been entered in 2013 (at the latest), it at least evokes some nostalgic memories of shitty school discos and holiday parks.

Israel- Feker Libi

The female equivalent of the Czech song. Unsurprisingly, people went wild for it when it was released. I guess only women are allowed to sing Afro-pop at this contest. Like with the Czech song, I’ll forgive it since Afro-pop is a cool genre anyway, and even though this is just another club song I can at least see myself dancing to it.

Italy- Fai Rumore

Well, at least my wish of “Italy sends a typical power ballad devoid of anything the mainstream fandom likes” finally came true. It was pretty refreshing to have a year where people weren’t shoving Italy’s entry up my nose left right and centre. In terms of my actual thoughts I can’t deny that the guy has a tremendous voice, but for some reason the song just doesn’t… click with me. I guess I like my male Italian singers a little more gruff and raspy, if you know what I mean. They gotta sound like they smoke at LEAST five packets of cigarettes a day for me to take notice.

Malta- All of my Love

Listen I am 100% rooting for Destiny Chukunyere to win this contest some day but man was this song a disappointment. It feels so… un-special and generic, like it gets the job done and that’s it. It’s not the stand-up-and-belt-it-out soul anthem I’d hoped for, it’s just… there.

Moldova- Prison

All I remember about this song is that it vaguely reminds me of that one Meccano song about the gypsy who makes a deal with the moon or something. And I’ve TRIED to remember more about what it sounds like, trust me.

Latvia- Still Breathing

The one horrible weird song you get every year which overuses strobe effects to the point it comes with an epilepsy warning. Would be bearable if it wasn't for the singer’s insistence that this is actually some feminist masterpiece when it's really just a self-empowerment club song about the singer fingerbanging herself over the fact she writes music.

Lithuania- On Fire

One of the songs everyone thought was going to win at one point, even though it seems like a surefire non-qualifier to me. It’s one of those weird entries, but not the kind of over the top, batshit insane, you’d-have-to-be-drunk-to-enjoy-it weird, the kind of subdued surreal weird. Like this is weed instead of LSD or cocaine weird. Granted my mom, who I consider to be a "typical" Eurofan, actually really liked this song when she saw it in the recaps, so who knows maybe this would have done well with televoters after all.

Netherlands- Grow

I appreciate this song for how artsy and clever it is with its structure, since it starts off acapella and the instrumental builds up with the song until it stops suddenly, symbolising a person’s growth from a child into an adult, and ending suddenly with their death (Geddit? The song’s called “Grow”). But it feels like the kind of song that would be lost on a Eurovision audience. The juries would have taken note, for sure, but the televote… let’s be honest, they’d have been too busy drunk voting for Russia to care about anything else.

North Macedonia- You

Well, it's better than the miserable dirge they sent last year, but given how I'd rather pleasure myself with a steak knife than listen to that song, that really isn't saying much. Going back to “You”, it really just feels like a diet version of Switzerland’s entry from last year, combined with Sweden’s song from 2018. What I’m saying is it’s your average “I’m a man in a club and I want to dance with and probably fuck this hot girl I just met” song, which I a new genre I just made up. You’re welcome.

Norway- Attention

One of those songs you appreciate because it sounds nice and the singer has a good voice, but instantly forget because it’s really not all that interesting. If I sound like I'm repeating myself, welcome to Eurovision 2020.

Poland- Empires

“Rise Like a Phoenix” but sung by a wannabe Adele and not a mascara-wearing Jesus in a dress. Like a lot of other songs on this list, it’s just average across the board, likeable when it’s on, but instantly forgettable as soon as the next song comes on.

Portugal: Medo de Sentir

Pretty, but also similar to their ill-fated 2018 entry, only with a bit more energy and less pink hair. What I’m saying is this would have been another NQ unless the crowd who enjoy subtle ambience music come in to save it like they did with Slovenia's entry last year.

Romania- Alcohol You

See Bulgaria, because this is practically the same song. It’s just as dreary, just as badly sung (if not worse because holy shit this girl sounds like she’s being suffocated), and I suppose you COULD excuse that by saying she’s drunk or hungover… but I don’t want to listen to someone ungracefully mumble into a microphone for three minutes.

Russia- Uno

A classic big camp party song, the kind of song people who haven’t watched Eurovision since 2003 think wins on the regular. I can see why people would like it (especially in this boring year lmao, I applaud Russia for taking the opportunity to loosen their corset and just send a complete mess instead of their usual clinical vote grabs), but it’s just not something I enjoy. It's the song that plays into the misconception that Eurovision is just a clown show for drunk people, like this is just here to be that one flash-in-the-pan meme song that only entertains people who don’t really care about Eurovision until the day before it airs. Kind of like the old ladies they sent in 2012 (remember them?).

San Marino- Freaky!

San Marino, in true Sammarinese fashion, have yet again sent a decade-ambiguous song which sounds like it was either released in 1978 or 2003. I feel like this would have been one of those songs which could have surprised us if it had a really wacky, creative performance (think like Moldova in 2018), but this is San Marino so you know that would never happen.

Serbia- Hasta la Vista

Insert unoriginal joke about a decade wanting their shitty trend back right here. Okay maybe that’s a bit harsh, especially considering how this song is actually, yanno, unique in comparison to the rest of this year. But it still feels weirdly dated, in a way where I can’t decide whether it sounds like it belongs in 1998 or 2018. I suppose girl power ages a song regardless of when it was released.

Slovenia- Voda

Yet another standard Balkan-European power ballad which you appreciate because it’s well sung, but forget the moment it ends because it’s kinda boring. … Does anyone else have a bit of deja vu?

Spain- Universo

For some reason I feel like this song is shilling itself out to someone but I have no idea who. Aside from the horny people voting solely because the singer is moderately attractive even with that wretched Jedward haircut.

Sweden- Move

Imagine soul but… boring.

Switzerland- Répondez Moi

Imagine Arcade but… in French.

United Kingdom- My last Breath

Not the best the UK could have done, but it’s at least a modern offering unlike the residual dregs of the mid-90s that we sent throughout the 2010s. It’s definitely a bit too generic to have done any better than maybe 15th, but hey at least the cancellation means we won’t have to see it not do as well as the BBC thinks it’s entitled to do, prompting a billion clickbait articles about how Brexit somehow affected our performance.

Ukraine- Solovey

At long last we come to something you probably weren't expecting: a song I actually really like. Which is weird because I usually don't care for or don't like whatever Ukraine vomits into the contest, so I was pleasantly surprised to find a song I liked from them in such a weak year. This song isn’t for everyone, it’s white noise singing which is a very acquired taste, but this is honestly the only 2020 song I find myself coming back to over and over. And it’s in Ukrainian too, so you don’t have to put up with their usual mangled English offerings.

#and that conclude's the mods thoughts lmao #eurovision #if this is good i might do this with other years let me know what you think #mod speaks #mod reviews

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momofaddict · 4 years

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Well, I'm almost 5 months in. The struggle seems to get worse instead of better, which I halfway expected. I felt so numb in the beginning and distracted with having to take care of a baby at 52 years old.

It is absolutely bizarre the range of emotions that I have felt. I'm sickened by the relief that I feel not having a deal with her addiction anymore. I'm excited, exhausted, and totally feel robbed of the grandmother experience that I've spoken of so many times. I feel embarrassed and like a shitty grandma that I feel relief when my ex takes the baby oftentimes. He never, ever, ever seems exhausted or ready for a break the way that I do. I love that baby with every fiber of my being. But I think I have not yet mourned the loss of the life that I thought I was building for myself. Not to mention my ex barely works at all, so it's easy for him to have energy and excitement for taking the baby as often as possible. He has his own business painting houses. And between losing his daughter, his own depression, and the coronavirus pandemic, he has hardly worked lately. So on top of everything else, I'm paying his bills, because without that, he's unable to help me with the baby.

After Melody died we decided as a family that it would be best that my ex move into the dreaded condo. This is the same condo that my ex-mother-in-law lived in when she had her heart attack. And the same condo that my daughter overdosed in. But that fucking condo is paid off, it was bought with cash. So, because my ex was essentially homeless, he has to live there if he's going to help me. And the only bills are the HOA, and the utilities. Plus there's the added expense of Melody's car that my ex is driving, the car payments that go with it along with the insurance payments. So I'm literally paying all of those plus my own bills so I can have a few days on my own... Until the long awaited inheritance comes from my ex's mother's estate -which will be just enough for my ex to buy a van for his business, get his teeth fixed, and overall get back on his own 2 feet - then my paying his bills stops. Should be in June sometime.

I feel sickened even saying all this. I should be elated to have Melody's flesh and blood offspring in my life, and I am most of the time. Not to mention this kid is amazing. He is so joyful, completely has Melody's spirit, and is about as easy as a baby can be. But that doesn't make my struggle any less.

The level of guilt that I feel because I'm relieved when I have a break from the baby is reprehensible to me. The level of sadness and missing my daughter is incomprehensible to me every time that baby learns something new or does something new. I can literally hear her voice, her laughter, her love for her child every time he pulls up to stand or laughs or crawls or eats his dinner with his own hands or when he babbles "Mamamamama". That's by far when I miss her the most.

I also feel super guilty when I think about if she was still here, knowing the downward spiral that she was on before she overdosed. There's this devil and angel sitting on my shoulders arguing with each other about how I don't miss the addict, but I do miss my daughter. How do you reconcile that? I don't think you can.

I feel like if she was still here, she would be making my life a living hell as an addict, and would have probably died from Corona, because of the major lung and heart damage that she had done to herself, along with the reckless life that goes with being a heroin addict. But near the end of her life, she was literally fighting everyday to find long-term rehab. And what if she had gotten in? I feel like we would have been living the life that we had been for over a year that was clean and sober and fun as hell. There are just so many questions, and scenarios, it boggles my mind.

I found out a lot of stuff after she passed away. I found out that she was far more down the rabbit hole then I thought. She was living the addict life 100% over the last two to three months before she died. I thought that her grandmother getting sick and dying was the catalyst, for the most part. But now, as I said before, she was completely and utterly relapsed. How on God's green earth, after everything I've seen and been through, could I still be so fucking blind? And the pain doesn't stop there. Just the other day I found that my toolbox was missing. She clearly hocked it.

I'm just posting because I don't care what groups are out there for support, I still never feel like I can speak my brutal truth. Not to mention, groups like Nar-Anon and others are all about the God talk. I'm so fucking over the God talk. Can I just find a fucking group where we can just let loose of our feelings no matter how grotesque they are and not have to pray at the beginning in the end of it? I'm always strangely comforted to know when other people have been through what I've been through, while still being sick that this could happen to more than one person, not to mention hundreds of thousands of people. That's the only real reason I want to join any group at all, is just so I don't feel alone in all this mess. So in my mind, I have nowhere else to go accept my Tumblr blog.

I'm so lost, and so alone. I really, genuinely do not know how to deal with my shit. I need to be up and happy and perky for this baby, and for the most part I am. But when it's bedtime, and I'm playing one of mommy's videos for the baby while he drinks his bedtime bottle, he always smiles at a certain part, and I'm shattered every time. There's not a single soul on this Earth that knows how much pain I'm in, but not in the sense that one might think. Yes, I miss my baby girl more than words can express. But I'm so fucking glad the addict is gone. And I feel disgusted even saying that. I also feel a lot of guilt around not promoting his father's memories at all. There's a lot of resentment there, but I feel like the right thing to do is to make sure he remembers his father too. How do I resolve that?

And other logistical thoughts come to mind. Like I am going to be 70 when he turns 18. I'm going to die when he's fairly young (assuming I don't die younger of a car accident or some other stupid shit). It's so not fair to him. And I think about what am I supposed to tell him throughout the years? He's going to know who mama is thru videos on my phone, the pictures on the wall, and the gravesite that we visit all the time. I don't know how I'm going to answer the questions this sweet baby is going to have. I don't know how to tell him how much she loved him and make him understand that she did not choose drugs over him. Drugs chose her over life. I also need to make sure that I put in my will who will take the baby if I die. Let's look at the options... There's my sister who has desperately wanted a child over the last 10 years or so and is 48 years old. She's had mental health issues for as long as she's been alive. To put it bluntly, she's incompetent of having a child full time. She is also narcoleptic I think I mentioned before. Sorry honey, you've got to stay awake for this one. Then there's my ex, who loves the baby equally as I do. But he doesn't have a responsible bone in his body and is an anarchist and conspiracy theorist. He's incapable of taking care of a baby or child from a responsibility standpoint, not to mention the crazy shit he would put in his head as he gets older. Finally there's my son. He's pretty much the only one I would trust to do right by this child. But he's made it quite clear that he's never wanted to be a father. I did ask him about it, and he said that he would accept the task if it came to it. But I want someone who wants the baby, not has to take the baby, not just someone who would accept the responsibility.

I need help, no question about it. But no matter how many Google searches that I do, I can't find a single place or counselor where I can get very specific help for my issues. I don't want to let this baby down. I don't want to fuck him up either. I want to be the very best grandma and mother that I can be for him.

What do I do?

Oh and finally, I've been drinking a lot more - or more frequently. If it was up to me, I'd drink daily. Quantity wise, it's not that much. At most a bottle of wine, mostly when my ex has the baby, but sometimes after he's asleep for the night. I'm not trying to get drunk, per se. Just trying to unclench my muscles and stress. Sometimes it eases my sadness, sometimes it exacerbates it. Plus it helps me fall asleep, which has been a challenge for me since entering menopause. I take a 1/4 bar (.5mg) of Xanax frequently before bed to help sleep, and never up my dose (too scared). But if I skip a couple of days, by the 3rd day I have withdrawals that feel likey old anxiety attacks. I take a quarter & the symptoms fade. Well ain't that just the last thing that I need! I want to phase it out, but as long as I have sleep issues, a job, and a baby, I don't see how I can. I skip days purposely so it remains effective without taking higher doses. Now that I'm working from home, this would be a great time to phase out. But every time I try to skip, I'm tossing and turning all night - which is torture.

I just wish I could get into a yoga routine or any other exercise routine, as well as meditation. I know that that would help all of my issues. But gumption is not exactly my forte right now.

#narcotics addiction #drug addict #heroin addiction #addict #addiction #recovering addict #loss #death by overdose #overdose #mourning #heroin

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justlostinautumn · 5 years

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The Assistant 11/?

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9, Part 10

Avengers x Reader (Fury/adopted-daughter) Bucky Barnes x Reader

A girl trying to hide her past who was adopted by Nick Fury, but cared for by Tony Stark and Pepper Potts. Being Tony’s assistant and asked to help the rest of the team. She doesn’t remember much from her past, but maybe working with this group of misfits will help knock a few memories loose and open some doors to the past. -- Sorry if this sucks!

A/N: Please send me thoughts on where you want to see this imagine go… or ideas for new stories!

Wanda, Bucky and Y/N walked back into the living room about over an hour later. A heated argument was going on in the living room as people shouted to be heard over one another.

“You can’t be allowing this?” Steve was furious.

“This is the best way to get all the information,” Nat argued.

“You don’t know that maybe she is still working for them and this is a ploy to get both Wanda and Bucky,” Sam argued.

Wanda stiffened next to Y/N as red flickered around her. Y/N grabbed Wanda’s hand and gave it a soft squeeze and they walked into the room, red not fully leaving Wanda’s eyes.

“You want me to stay here?” Y/N tilted her head, eyes giving nothing away as she stared Steve down and Bucky moved closer to her.

“Yes!” He hissed, Y/N flinched slightly but set her jaw and her eyes hardened.

“You want information and I don’t trust you to get it out of me. I’ve been here before and the last time I was almost killed. I don’t trust you.” She spoke coldly and Steve flinched at her tone.

“Your mission was to steal Bucky for your family,” Steve growled. “How can we trust you won’t take them there?”

“You think Wanda would allow me close to Barnes if that was the case? Did I forget to mention the information I was tortured for was about your beloved Winter Soldier and you lot? I would’ve died to keep the secrets I knew and you stand there saying you don’t trust me.” She snorted, her voice was getting colder by the minute.

“What do you know?” Bruce looked at her.

“Everything, the serum you made to become the Hulk, where you went wrong, Romanov’s list, Barton’s full story… the list is long and it’s not all from Nick. You really think HYDRA didn’t have files on all of you?” She looked at each one of them.

“We can’t let you leave.” Steve stepped forward. Bucky went to move forward but Y/N hand came out to stop him.

“I’d like to see you try.” She growled.

“Roger’s stand down!” Fury shouted.

“She’s a threat,” Steve shouted pointing at Y/N.

“Because I care about your best friend, or is it because he’s been more comfortable with me over my short stay than he has since he got here?” She smirks when Steve growls and charged at her. She knew she was egging him on.

Grabbing his shoulders she sprung herself over his head landing behind him dropping down and swinging her leg around causing him to fall, she quickly pounced and held him down knees pinning his hand, feet digging into his thighs and hand closed around his throat.

“Bitch!” He snarled.

“You kiss your mother with that mouth.” She pouts down at him.

“You know nothing about what he went through,” Steve shouted and she tightened her hold chocking him, people moved forward and she held her hand up indicating she wasn’t afraid to break his neck.

“No, you don’t understand but maybe could show you all? You think James is Bucky from the 40s, he isn’t! Some of you see him as the Winter Soldier from the last 70 years and I can tell you he is definitely not him. Who James is now is someone different, someone learning to live with his past, someone coming to terms with who he is, was and will be. A man who lost 70 years of his life and was controlled, who lost the basic human right of freedom. You pine for someone who died the day he fell off that train and HYDRA pulled him out of that river.” Y/N growled in Steve’s face who looked shocked and looked at Bucky who showed nothing but adoration for the girl pinning his best friend.

“He’s still Bucky, I see it!” Steve cried.

“And I still see the Winter Soldier in some of his actions, but the past is the past, you can’t live in the past Steve. All you can do is learn from it. I am not who I was when I was with HYDRA. Hell, I’m not the same lost 17-year old that Nick saved, or the girl who fell in love with Stark and Potts for showing me what unconditional love was, the girl who at 19 was Tony’s full-time babysitter and always subjected to his experiments. I’m not the girl who use to have Friday night family night with Nick and Sunday roast with him and Hill. I’m not the girl my parents raised. I was created to be a monster and maybe I am one. But, even a monster has a heart and the capacity to learn and evolve. In HYDRA I learnt from my past and from James I learnt my future, a future free from this.” Y/N spoke softly letting go of Steve’s neck and hands and was now just straddling his thighs as she watched tears streaming down his face. She looked around and saw the sad faces looking at her.

“I can show you she’s telling you the truth,” Wanda spoke up and looked at all of them and then to Y/N who nodded saying it was okay.

They were all sat in the conference room, this was a kind of venerability Y/N wasn’t sure she was ready for. But, they were right only Wanda, Bucky, Pepper and Fury trusted her 100%. Tony was on the fence, he had seen what she could do and who knew the girl before she got the majority of her memories back… but, he wasn’t sure who she was now and the rest didn’t trust her as far as they could throw her.

“Are you ready?” Wanda asked her.

“The sooner this is done, the sooner we can leave.” Y/N squeezed her and Bucky’s hand. Wanda moved behind her placing her hands on Y/N temples and projected the images out so everyone could see it all.

A gasp filled a room as images of faceless women and men scream at Y/N holding belts, knives, guns and needles. Pain filled them at each weapon they used against the girl, the sound of electrical charges filled the room as well as a blood-curdling scream causing them all to cry as they heard a child sob and beg for the pain to stop and they could hear cackling and a voice saying again. The images change, the team recognise the HYDRA base in Siberia and they see her training with the other Super Soldiers all at once, knocking them down and out without breaking a sweat. It flicks to her throwing up after eating, to them injecting her, attempting to wipe her, to her meeting Bucky for the first time.

It showed her following him around, going on missions with him, her correcting his errors in training and pushing to be the best. The image of a tender moment of Bucky cooking for her, telling her things he remembers about his past, about Steve and Brooklyn. Fear fills them all and they then suddenly feel comfort and they watch as Bucky soothes her. A warm feeling fills their chest… love. They can see her mind change, the dream of getting them out and finding someone to help. The last images were the Soldier setting her free and her begging him to come with her, the image of her running and being caught and tortured for information about everything. It showed them no matter what she wasn’t saying anything, that she wouldn’t say anything. Finally, they saw her being found by SHIELD and finding comfort in Nick, of her meeting Pepper and Tony, the feeling of admiration as she watches Tony work and happiness when she makes Pepper laugh or smile. The sense of pride when she gets Fury to admit he loves her. Then Wanda’s face appears in front of them and all they felt was the warmth family brings and finally, Bucky’s face fills the room and their hearts were about to burst with the amount of love she felt and a flicker of a memory of her taking a bullet and a stab wound for him. Of her pulling him to safety and ensuring he survived. Her sobbing when they put him in Cryo and her killing Agents who were trying to take her out of the room.

Wanda pulled away and they all stared at the girl who was now standing looking at all the tear stricken faces.

“There’s your truth.” She looked a shocked Steve.

“We didn’t know.” He said softly, blushing slightly.

“You’re an awful liar.” She sighs, “I know you saw the tapes of my training, you were angry and jealous.”

“I’m sorry,” He has the grace to look ashamed.

“Sorry is just a word, it’s like saying I promise. They both mean nothing until your actions back it up.” She spoke calmly.

“We shouldn’t have doubted you.” Clint looked down at his hands.

“It’s fine, but it doesn’t mean I’m staying here. I don’t want to be here.” She spoke slowly.

“Little One.” Nick spoke, “Go and just let me know you are okay, promise me that please.”

“I would have anyway Dad, it’s not a promise I need to make.” she smiles softly walking over to him and hugging him tightly.

“I love you Little One.” He smirks at her.

“I knew it!” She laughs and kisses his cheek.

“Come on Sestra!” Wanda smiled, throwing her arm over my shoulder.

“Wanda!” Pietro called.

“Yes?” She looked at her brother who hugged her and whispered in her ear in Russian.

“Do you still want to come?” She looked at Bucky allowing Wanda a moment to say goodbye to her twin.

“Why wouldn’t I?” Bucky tilted his head and looked her in the eye.

“Because your friends are here. I’m just some girl from the past.” She sighed frowning hating the uncertainty, she bared her soul and undying love for this man. Y/N was petrified he would reject her.

Bucky stood up looking at her and took a deep breath before he answered.

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@jay-the-mothafuckin-gay, @dark-night-sky-99, @jsmith509, @stormi-ames

#the avengers #the avengers x reader #the assistant #the avengers imagine #avengers imagine #avengers x reader #avengers #marvel imagine #bucky barnes #bucky barnes imagine #bucky barnes x reader #bucky x reader

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