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ididoktoday · 11 months

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How we get better: a decidedly nonlinear and varied process

Maybe that suffering will slough off us like a crispy sunburn, peeling away gradually in its own time, protesting a timeline faster than its own intention. But slough it will.

Maybe that suffering will cling to us until the last second it’s allowed, like a sucking leech, our humors leaking messily and causing a real scene, relief and vulnerability entwined to tease apart later. But we’ll have time and headspace to do that work.

Maybe that suffering will be ripped off us like a warm blanket on an early winter morning, snatched away by a guiding figure who knows that what we need is more important than what we want, a figure who sighs down with love at our shivering legs. That figure knows a warm future for us that our eyes are not yet mature enough to see.

We are birthed in all sorts of ways. Let us treat each other as gently as newborns.

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circlebuttons · 1 year

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Ultimatum

pairing: addict/soft!rafe x reader

summary: A year ago you gave Rafe an ultimatum and he decided to choose you, but after walking in on his argument with Sarah you discover that you’ve been put second.

a/n: i made rafe a lot softer than usual.. oops. I just see him as being completely whipped for this girl and so he’s naturally apologetic and softer towards her.

warnings: drug use & maybe some manipulation

…..

Rafe had gone missing in action and after facetime after facetime, phone call after phone call, and text after text you decided to show up at Tammyhill unannounced to get answers.

To say you were pissed was an understatement. The two of you had set these types of boundaries surrounding communication and if it had been you who ghosted he would've already lit half of the island on fire, because there's no reason good enough on this entire island to not be able to shoot a quick text that's says something as brief as "Sorry, i'll call you later."

On the drive over there you begin to convince yourself that you should give him the benefit of the doubt. If anyone on this island could go toe toe with Rafe Cameron it was you and lord knows it was too late to start a war zone in the Cameron's family room, but as soon as you parked and prepared to compose yourself your headlights reflected off of that obnoxious red bike and back at you.

The only thing you hate more then that bike is that it increases the chances of him being home. At this point everyone better hope that he's reenacting titanic somewhere on his father's boat because why else would his bike be home and he's not.

You grab your stuff and walk up to heavy front doors that stand solid, but before you can even walk past the glass doors the sound of arguing becomes audible. You stand there listening, but all you can hear is muffled cursing and as soon as you hear "Go to hell Rafe!" spat out in a certain tone you can tell it's Sarah and Rafe going at it again.

You rolled your eyes and beat on the door, hoping to knock louder than they could argue "What'd you do call Topper?" you could hear Rafe scoff as he opened the door.

"No I-" Sarah went to argue, stopping only once she saw you step through the door.

"What the hell is going on in here?" You ask them both as they focus their attention on you as you take in Sarah's appearance, she's standing on the other side of the room facing you, her hair is messy and shes breathing hard. She has a permanent scowl on her face and raises and eyebrow to Rafe to answer.

You look towards him and you can't help but notice his lack of affection, no "hey", no hug, and not even a kiss for his girlfriend of a year.

Neither one of them speak, and it immediately feels like there's a secret hanging in the air that everyone knows but you. It confirms your suspicions when Sarah throws her head back and huffs out, "Tell her Rafe." The way she points her gaze and bites on the inside of her cheek, creates goosebumps on your skin. The anticipation is killing you.

"Tell me what?" You ask, turning towards Rafe and it makes your stomach drop when he can't even look at you. He's facing you, with his head down and his eyes glued to ground. Rafe doesn't even hold his head down slightly when he walks and now he can't even look you in your eyes?

"Can you just let me talk to her alone?" He bites out at Sarah as she rolls her eyes and shakes her head.

"If I do are you going to tell her the truth?" She asks gesturing towards you. Your eyes meet hers and she holds your gaze with apologetic eyes.

"Sarah, Fuck off!" He yells, throwing his hands up and facing her. Rafes outburst startles you as you look between the two siblings. Your heart has finally settled in your ass and all you can do is watch as they go back and forth.

"Tell her right now or I will" Sarah's demeanor becomes eerily serious as a chill blows across your neck. Rafe stands unmoving in the middle of the room with both you and Sarah on each side. He looks up at you and just as quickly drops his gaze, holding his head in both of his hands.

"He's been doing coke again and this time he fucking took it out on Wheezie," Sarah's voice wavers as she speaks.

A small gasp leaves your lips. It just didn't feel real, almost an entire year of sobriety, gone. Your vision blurs and it feels like your throat's going to close as you start piecing things together. There's a reason he hasn't looked you in the eyes or even stood close to you since you walked in.

"Rafe are you high right now?" you ask him, not sure if you even want an answer.

He looks up at you with bloodshot eyes, both from crying and cocaine, but when he notices the tears in your eyes and the quiver in your lip, he closes his eyes tightly and sucks in both of his lips in a tight line. You look at him with disbelief, "God, this isn't real life" you laugh through your tears as you turn to face the opposite direction, not even being able to look at him.

"I'm so sorry" he whispers out.

"Is Wheezie okay?" you turn and ask Sarah softly.

She walks past Rafe and engulfs you in a strong hug,"She's fine, he went ballistic, screaming at her and throwing shit. She's never seen him like that" she says holding you tightly as if to say so many things all at once. "If you don't want to talk to him, I get it", she talks lowly, so that only you can hear.

"I'm fine, I got it" You tell her wiping the tears out of your eyes with your sleeves and forcing a sad smile up at her, thankful for her always being there to give you an out. When dating someone like Rafe with obsessive tendencies there's always the possibility of feeling trapped and Sarah was always there to offer you an escape or a means of well needed space.

She nods and returns the smile, hesitantly walking up the stairs, leaving Rafe and yourself to sit in silence.

"I am sorry. I truly, genuinely am so sorry " He stands shaking his head still in his hands.

Your arms cross over your chest as a way to protect yourself from him, "Say something other than sorry, this isn't something an apology can fix"

His eyes fight to stay towards the ground, "I know-"

"Look at me Rafe!" you cut him off angrily, it's so cowardly for him to act this way after destroying so much.

His eyes snap up to yours and the icy blue color is dulled and barely visible behind his dilated pupils, "Wheezie was the first to find out that I relapsed and she confronted me before I had a chance to come down. It's not an excuse, but you know i'd never try to hurt her on purpose"

You knew what he said was true, even though he was still coming down from his high. "It doesn't matter what I know, I thought I knew that you were sober." The longer you look at him sympathy is constantly being reimagined as hurt and anger. The idea of his relapse is eating up at you on the inside as you imagine all of the different scenarios and questions. "How long have you been using?" You ask him quietly.

"Less than a week I swear!" His eyes widen as he steps closer to you.

You want to reach out to him hoping that he's telling the truth and somewhat thankful that it's only been a week of lies, but then you remember that it's been a week of lies, "And I've seen you everyday this week." your face reads nothing short of hurt.

"I should've told you when it first happened" His words and his eyes tell you that he means it, but that's not good enough.

"You could've came to me even when the thought first came into your head." You tell him calmly, knowing that he won't respond well to your anger.

"I'm ashamed of how weak I am. I hate myself more than you even know." His confession breaks your heart, no one would be able to hear that the person they love the most in the world can't love themselves. "I don't know what to do now," he says with his voice breaking as he pulls you into a hug.

"Neither do I." you tell him, looking at him and offering a tight lipped smile. The reality is that you know what you have to do, you just don't want to.

He places a soft kiss on your forehead and whispers, "I love you"

The words immediately make tears well back up in your eyes, as you put a hand on his chest and create an arms length of distance, "Shut the fuck up, that's manipulative Rafe!" you cry out at him, quickly wiping your eyes after breaking the hug.

"I mean it," he matches your volume as he silently lets tear of his own fall down his face.

"Your pupils are gigantic, I don't believe shit you say" you respond coldly to him, knowing it's the only way to keep some form of an emotional guard up.

"Please don't leave" he breathes out, grabbing you by your wrist, to keep you from turning from him. He knows you're seconds from breaking.

"I gave you an ultimatum Rafe" You tell him with pleading words.

His grasp moves from your wrist to your hand, threading his fingers through yours, "And I pick you every time" he says, moving his head to hold this strong eye contact with you.

You want to argue with him about how a relapse means that this time he very obviously didn’t pick you, but the only thing you can do is fidget with his fingers and swallow back tears.

"Relapse is part of recovery, my brain chemistry is changed and i'm trying everyday to not let it eat me alive" he tells you moving to hold your hand with both of his.

"I've done all I can do, I'm not licensed to help you and I can't give you the compassion or understanding that an addict needs." It breaks you to call him an addict, but you can’t force him into sobriety the same way you can’t force him to love himself the way you do.

"I'll start going back to therapy for you" He responds strong and eagerly, but this time it’s you who breaks the eye contact.

You softly shake your head at him, "You should go for yourself."

"I will go for us" He refutes and it splits you into two. It’s not a good idea to be in a serious relationship with an addict or a person in recovery, yet all of these empty promises pull you back in.

The gesture is nice, but you fight with yourself to stutter out your final decision, "No- no more.. us"

His face instantly flashes with hurt, "What, no!" he scoffs and pulls you closer.

You create more distance between two of you again, dropping your hand from his, "The ultimatum Rafe. It's more than me or the drugs, our relationship can't thrive like this, it's unhealthy."

He begins to close the space again. You can clearly read the look on his face and tell that he’s falling apart at the seams, "I'm getting help! We can go to couples therapy too, i'll pay for-"

"I can not go back on my word because I mean it when I tell you that I can not watch you do this to yourself, I can not be the only reason you're sober, and I can fucking not bury you" You raise your voice at him through your tears and poke harshly at his chest.

His eyes soften as he reaches up to wipe the tears from your cheek as his own begin to fall again, "I'm sorry that I put you in this position"

"I am too" You whisper, turning your face into his hand.

His teary eyes lock into yours, their icy blue color resurfacing and the optimist in you swears his pupils have reduced in size slightly. He bends down to touch his forehead to yours, "I'm going to get clean, just for you, my beautiful girl. I know you want me to do it for me, but you’re my entire world, the only thing that matters.

From the way he looks at you can tell his intention is to kiss you one last time, it rips at your heartstrings. You know you shouldn’t, you should just leave, you can’t say one thing and then have your actions mean another. You fight this internal battle with yourself, until he leans down to capture your lips in a soft kiss. You can’t help but kiss him back, matching his passion as he holds you against him,“i’ll die before i stop trying for you" he whispers against your lips.

"Goodbye Rafe" you mumble quietly into his skin, suddenly aware of how loud your heartbeat is and how restricted your lungs feel.

You try to release yourself from his hug, but he tightens his grip around your waist and holds your neck so that you can’t look away from him, "I love you" His words make your eyes shut tightly as a sob racks through your body. This is the last time you’ll allow yourself to cry over Rafe Cameron.

#rafe outer banks #rafe angst #rafe cameron x reader #rafe fic #obx cast #angst #recovering addict #sad ending #softrafe

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lilkittystardust · 9 months

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Just wanna take a moment to say, it’s been 6 years since I’ve taken taken a Morphine or Roxy!!! I used to take those daily and it’s hard to say it’s been 6 years since I’d freak out everyday over having my Morphine or Roxy (preferred) to help get through the day. I’ve grown so much in so many ways!!❤️❤️❤️💙💙💙 #addictsjourney

#recovering addict #contentcreator #onlyf@nz #naughty #afterdarkreblogs #snap me #tiktok #twitter #proud #ganjalover

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talkrecoverylife · 9 months

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What do Dandelions know that I don’t?

Let’s talk about dandelions, Taraxacum Officinale. My favorite flower since I was a small child. The flower that nobody liked. As a kid, I loved seeing them growing in the grass, it was so pretty, the bright yellow on the green lawn. I especially loved it when the grass was full of them. I could not understand why people were always trying to kill them.

This was a flower I was allowed to pick, make bouquets with and collect. I remember picking them in the front yard to “save them” from my Dad. The good intention was there anyways.

As an adult, I still like them. I still think they are pretty. But I am a little more philosophical about it. Not that I don’t pick a bouquet when I have the chance.

Think about the dandelion. This is a flower that yearns to live and grow. “Damn hard to get rid of” as my Dad would say. We dig them out by the roots or poison them, and still they come back, spotting the grass with little yellow blooms. We put cinder blocks over them to make a sidewalk and they will pop up in the cracks. It’s like they don’t know, or don’t care that they are under attack. They are just doing their thing.

When it is time for them to die, there is no ugliness, no hard pieces to hurt your feet when you walk barefoot on the lawn. They just change to a white, soft puff ball, and when the wind is just right, their seeds and their DNA are blown up in the air. Wherever they land, a new flower will grow.

What if we had even some of these qualities? What if, in a world that thought we were ugly and unwanted, we could see our own beauty? What if we had the strength to stand up and come back from our defeats, as beautiful and strong as we were before? What if obstacles in our path were simply things we needed to either go around, or go through? What if when we were old and done, we sat at peace, knowing that our lives had meant something and we were leaving a legacy?

I believe that in recovery we have a responsibility to keep learning. The knowledge we get from sources such as AA, NA, OA, Smart Recovery, counselling, therapy, social media, podcasts etc., is invaluable. We would not make it without these resources. But sometimes can we learn lessons and be inspired by the simple things right in front of us, like a silly little flower? from flowers that have been there all along?

Recovery Life (talkrecoverylife.com)

#encouragement #inspiration #motivation #positive mental attitude #self care #recovering addict #sober life #sober #living sober #recovery #mental wellbeing #self compassion

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drowningbeneath-thewaves · 1 year

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To begin to understand an addict; you have to have been one.

You have to carry the burden of that demon for yourself. Feel the weight of it bring you to your knees.

Go to war with yourself everyday; fighting; to just make it one more day.

Some days the demons are so loud they create echos in your head. Screaming for you to just give in. Just do it.

And some days, the demons let you rest. It’s almost like you’re safe, but you know you aren’t.

It takes one bad day, one unguarded moment to give the demons what they want.

To give in.

To feel the weight of the world lift off your shoulders.

Numbness taking over. No more pain.

You are once again an emotionless corpse.

Taken by the darkness,

Until we meet again darling.

#dark thoughts #depressing quotes #sad thoughts #break up #depressing poem #sad poems #deep feelings #pain poetry #hate myself #recovering addict #addiction #drug abuse

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hightodaybyetomorrow · 3 months

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What do they say about redheads again? That we’re crazy or something? 😜

#red head #red hair #me #young adult #addict #coke addict #recovering addict #recovery #sexy #sexy titts #sexy chick #sexy pose #sexy tease #sexy content #sexy breast

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neuroticboyfriend · 1 month

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if you're a recovering addict, i want you to know you're doing good.

you didn't use today? you're doing good. you used recently and you're still recovering? you're doing good. you sought support today? you're doing good. you practiced harm reduction? you're doing good. you want to relapse and haven't? you're doing good. you're getting involved, even if others are doing more? you're doing good. you're resting today? you're doing good. you're alive? you're doing good.

this shit takes time. you have spent a considerable amount of time doing harmful things to yourself, or others. you're not going to change overnight. all you can reasonably do is get through the day, adding as much good to your life/the lives of others as you can. it doesn't matter what happened yesterday, or what's going to happen tomorrow.

all you have is this moment, and if you're on the path of recovery... you're doing good. this is your story. not someone else's. not some idealized version of yourself. it's yours, just as you exist, right now. that's all you have, and all you need.

keep going. you got this. i'm glad you're here (and so is everyone else who interacted with this post).

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elderalbus · 2 years

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i love how my therapists always applaud me for being “self aware,” as if that doesn’t make me hate myself even more. i know that what is being done is an issue and needs to be fixed, but for some reason i do it anyways and watch myself spiral out of control.

#addiction #recovering addict #actually borderline #actually bpd #actually psychotic #actually schizoaffective #bpd vent #bpd thoughts

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mels-wanderland · 9 months

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Rock.

The best part about Rock bottom is the Rock part. You discover the solid bit of you. The bit that can't be broken down further. The thing that might be your soul. At our lowest we find the solid ground of our foundation. And we can build ourselves up. Renewed.

#addict in recovery #addiction #addiction recovery #alcoholics anonymous #clean and sober #drug abuse #narcotics anonymous #recovering addict #sober #sobriety #rock bottom

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