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lovingmattysposts · 4 months

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Best Friend’s Brother 10

P1 P2 P3 P4 P5 P6 P7 P8 P9 P10 P11 P12

summary: you just moved into the sturniolo’s home after some family issues and you’re starting to become attracted to your best friend’s brother and you hated yourself for it. But how could you resist?

warnings: there is a scene where a guy tries to come onto y/n, but it is not in descriptive detail there is no sexual indication in the scene he just trying to kiss her, alcohol, cursing, sad, angst

the long awaited bfb 10....this one is a long one so here you go my loves

xoxo, autumn

chris pov

I felt like absolute shit. I’m a horrible person. A horrible selfish person. All my life I’ve allowed myself to pull away from my wants, her. And it worked. It’s worked for the last four years.

One slip up and now I’ve got bloody hands and no one gets what they want. Even caving into my selfish wants, I didn’t think about how it would effect her. Until it was too late.

She probably thinks the worst of me. I would tell her that I loved her too, but she didn’t deserve that. It would rip her apart. She didn’t understand, how could she?

What was I suppose to say? I’ve been dreaming about the night we had when I kissed you for the past four years? She would look at my like I was crazy.

It was better this way. It was better that she didn’t know. I would die with the secret that I loved her too, even if it ate me alive. She wouldn’t understand. She wouldn’t understand if I had admitted that I love her too. She would question me. She wouldn’t understand that I loved her so much that I let her go.

Love was suppose to be the most powerful thing in the word. Nothing else was suppose to matter if you had love. But this was far from the truth. Love meant sacrifice. Sacrificing my wants for what she needed. She didn’t need me. I knew she didn’t need me.

I suck. I’m nothing special. I’m afraid if I tried I would fail and she would end up with no one. I’m not good at acting on love. Hell, I wasn’t even good at feeling it.

I slipped up. I got selfish. This was me redeeming myself. She just didn’t know it. She would get over me. She would fall in love and she would forget about that boy who broke her heart on the roof.

Even if I never will.

I’ve been staying at Elmer's house for a few days now. I didn’t want to see her. I never wanted to go back to that house. I was scared. I was scared to face her. I was scared I would take it all back. I was scared I would tell her how long I’ve loved her.

That I would fall to my knees begging her to pick me and that I would never hurt her ever again. But I didn’t know that. I would try, but love was never promised.

She could change her mind.

After this I’m not sure she would even take me back. But I wasn’t going to do that to Nick, and she wasn't either no matter if she thought she wanted to.

Her heart was too big for her body. I wished I could explain it to her, but I couldn’t.

I felt my phone buzz. I picked it up looking down at the notification.

mia

now where have you been hiding? :) miss u big

I sighed and turned my phone off. The last thing I needed was to be in contact with her again. Elmer walked in making me look up.

“Alright spill it, why have you been hiding out here?” He sighed sitting down next to be. I closed my eyes and sighed. “I’m not hiding” I mumbled. He raised his eyebrows.

“Really?” He asked blinking at me. I just looked at him. “Did your brothers do something?” He asked. I shook my head. He raised his eyebrows and shook his head smiling.

“It’s a girl isn’t it? The one staying with you?” He asked looking at me making me look off to the side. He sighed. “What’d you do?” He asked. I shrugged.

“I don’t know. I fucked up I think” I sighed looking at him. “Then fix it” He shrugged. I rolled my eyes. “It’s not that simple” I stated looking at him. He smiled and nodded. “It never is” He stated. I bit my lip and looked to the side.

I walked into the house quietly before walking into the kitchen seeing my mom standing over the stove. She turned at the sound of me walking. "Hey sweetie. How was Elmer's?" She asked turning to look at me. I let out a breath. "Good" I nodded looking down. She crossed her arms over her chest.

"There's something going on isn't there?" She asked looking at me. I looked up at her. "What?" I asked suddenly. She sighed walking over to me. "You think I don't know you? You are my son. I always know when something's wrong" She stated raising her eyebrows at me.

I bit my lip looking off the side. "There's nothing going on" I stated looking at her. She pursed her lips looking at me. She glanced towards the stairs. "Is it something to do with our new guest?" She asked smiling. I let out a breath and looked down.

"You're scared of Nick aren't you?" She asked. I looked up at her. "Okay, that was creepy" I said looking at her, making her smile. "A mother always knows" She said tilting her head at me. I shook my head.

"It's nothing to worry about Mom, It's nothing anymore" I sighed as I walked over to the fridge. She hummed following me. "You're good at hiding your emotions Chris, just don't let that fact kill you" She said rubbing her hand over my back and then walking out of the kitchen.

I sighed as I leaned against the fridge. I wish I could express my emotions as easily as Nick or Matt, but It was hard. I was so scared to get hurt. So badly, that I hurt the one person I cared about in the process.

y/n pov

"Oh, will you go grab a pack of Pepsi? Chris just drank the last one" Nick said rolling his eyes. I felt my chest spike at the name, but I didn't let it show. I never did. I smiled all day long with Nick, laughing pretending everything was normal, then at night I would retreat into my room and cry and cry and cry.

Is it stupid? We weren't even together. It was like a small taste of glory and that was it. The small taste of what love was suppose to feel like and then reality hit and slapped you in the face. It's so weird to think you know someone or think you know how they feel and then to know you just imagined it all.

He hasn't been home these past few days. I think he's hiding from me, which I honestly appreciated. I'm not sure what I was going to do when I saw his face again.

Even his name mad me sick to my stomach.

"Y/n? Did you hear me?" He asked catching my attention. I looked up to see him smiling at me. "Pepsi right" I said shaking my head. "Go please so we can check out" He said shaking his head. I smiled and shook my head as I turned and walked out of the aisle.

I tried to shake the thoughts out of my mind as my eyes scanned the sodas. Don't think about Chris. Don't think about Chris. I spotted the Pepsi.

Chris.

My eyes started to water as I pulled out the pack and held it. I swallowed and pushed back the tears. I never wanted to look at a damn Pepsi can ever again.

I turned to walk out of the aisle to get rid of this out of my hand before I had a meltdown but I paused, seeing a famailar face.

"Mom?"

She turned and looked at me. She smiled walking back over to me. I stood frozen. "Hello" She sighed crossing her arms over her chest. I swallowed as I looked at her. The last time I saw her I told her I wasn't her daughter anymore.

"Glad to see you're alive" She said looking at me and raising an eyebrow. I clenched my jaw and looked to the side, attempting to adjust my grip of the pack of Pepsi.

"I thought I wasn't your mother anymore" She said looking at me. I blinked up at her. "You never acted like one in the first place" I mumbled looking at her. She rolled her eyes.

"So you've got a boyfriend now?" She asked raising her eyebrow. I furrowed my eyebrows looking up at her. "What are you talking about?" I asked shaking my head. She sighed as she shifted on her feet.

"The boy that came storming in my house and packed all of your things wasn't your boyfriend?" She asked shaking her head. My face dropped. Chris. She was talking about Chris. When he went to my house and got my things. My books. He went face to face with my mother just to get my things. My heart clenched.

"Chris?" I asked. She shrugged. "Is that his name?" She asked. I looked to the side clenching my jaw. "We're not together" I mumbled. She sighed. "Shame. He's cute" She said smiling at me. I glared at her for talking about him.

"Reminds me of your father when he was his age" She said making my grip the soda harder. "Chris is nothing like my father" I said through clenched teeth. She rolled her eyes. "From the way he stormed into the house, I didn't see much difference" She said glaring at me. I dropped the soda walking up to her.

"Don't speak about him like that. He's kind, he would never hurt me" I spat in her face. She raised her eyebrows, unfazed by my approach on her. "So defensive" She breathed. "Makes me think he already has" She said blankly. I swallowed feeling tears come to my eyes.

"I don't have time for this" I huffed stepping back and picking up the soda harshly. "He came back" She said making me stop. I turned back to her. "Your father. He's back" She swallowed looking at me. I bit my lip as I looked at her feeling chills run up my spine. Fighting the urge to ask her if she was okay.

"I don't care" I whispered before turning and walking back toward Nick, trying to shake the conversation that just happened. Nick looked up at me. "Where have you been? Did you get lost?" He joked smiling at me. I turned looking back but seeing no sign of my mother.

"No, I'm fine" I said looking back at him smiling attempting to shake all feeling and emotion of knowing my father was back in town.

"So when do I get to meet Holton?" I asked peering over his phone. He pulled his phone to his chest, looking over at me. "Soon" He stated going back to his texts. I rolled my eyes. "I'm starting to think he's not real" I rolled my eyes leaning back against his headboard. He rolled his eyes.

"Oh he's real alright" He smiled. I cringed and pushed him. "Dude, gross" Matt said from across from us, making me laugh. He set his phone down turning it off and turning towards me, smiling. "You really like him" I stated looking at his face. He smiled and looked down.

"Yeah" He breathed. "I thought it would be scary, but it's not" He shook his head. I just watched him as he spoke. "like being in love? It's pretty cool you know?" He smiled up at me. I swallowed and looked down.

"Well I guess you don't, but still you can imagine" He smiled placing his hand on my knee. I smiled softly up at him and nodded looking over at Matt who was now tuned out of the conversation.

"Yeah I can imagine" I said softly. He sighed leaning back and turning on his TV. I leaned back crossing my arms over my chest trying not to let his words effect me.

Suddenly I heard the door open making my heart drop, because I knew before I looked up who it was going to be. He peeked his light brown hair through the door and peered in making Matt and Nick look up. I stared down at my lap, not even letting myself look up at him. I was too scared.

"Hey" Matt said looking up from his phone. I felt Chris look over at me, but I stayed looking at my lap. "Hey, I'm going out. Don't wait up" Chris mumbled. I picked at my nails as a million thoughts ran through my head. Where was he going? Why was he going out? Who was he going with?

"Oh yeah, you're going to that party with Mia right?" Matt said looking up at him. I physcially felt my heart sink into my chest, feeling my emotions rush through me all the way to my fingertips. Like a wave of sadness rushing through me. I looked up catching Chris's eyes. I bit my lip and looked away, pretending it didn't effect me, but I had to forced the tears out of my eyes.

"Yeah I-" He paused. I didn't look up, but I felt my eyes start to sting. Already? He's moved on already? It hasn't even been a week and he was already going out with her? I swallowed the lump forming in my throat.

"I won't be long" He mumbled. I took in a breath. I was strong, but I didn't know If I was this strong. "Okay" Nick said looking up at him. Chris looked over at me one last time before sighing and closing the door.

And that was it.

He was gone.

In more ways than one.

There was someone else already. And I told him I loved him. I was heartbroken and he was going out with someone else. I swallowed. Don't think about it. Don't break. Not in front of Nick.

"Hey, can you go get some waters please?" Nick asked after a few seconds looking over at me. I looked over at him. "Seriously?" I asked. He pouted and looked over at me. I sighed before standing up off the bed. "You're the best friend everrr" He sang as I walked toward his door. I turned and looked at him shaking my head. "I know" I laughed as I closed the door.

The hallway was dark and quiet. I swallowed the all familar fear of maybe seeing or running into Chris being in the front of my head. But he wasn't even here. He was already gone. I didn't know where he went, it's not like he would tell me. I tried not to care, I really tried but it's all I could think about.

I started to walk down the hallway, glancing by his door picturing the scene of us kissing agaisnt the wall feeling my stomach clench. His lips were so soft. His eyes were so blue. Best of all he was him. We were together. I shook my head shaking the imagine from my head as I walked down the stairs.

I sighed as I walked into the kitchen, freezing in place seeing Chris standing leaning against the counter scrolling through his phone. He looked up at me before freezing as well. Silence between us. Just looking at each other. I thought he'd be gone by now.

"Sorry, I was just getting some waters" My voice cracked as I walked up to the fridge, he just watched me. I let out a breath as I stared into the fridge, but I couldn't focus knowing his eyes were on me.

My hands shook as I reached for the waters, begging my emotions to stay deep in my chest. I looked up at him, he just looked at me. I closed the fridge looking at him. "So" I breathed looking down. "Where have you been?" I said quietly looking at him. He bit his lip as he looked at me.

"Elmer's" He stated. I nodded looking down. "How have you been?" He swallowed looking at me. I looked down at the waters, as if they were the most interesting thing in the room. "Good" I lied, and I felt the lie so deep in my chest it hurt me to say it. He let out a breath.

"That's good" He breathed. I looked up at him. He glanced at me. "How are you?" I asked hesitantly. He nodded and looked down. "Yeah, good" He whispered. I swallowed. This was hard. Is this how it was always going to be? So painful?

"Thought you had a party to go to" I swallowed looking at him. He looked at me letting out a breath. "I was about to leave" He nodded. I nodded looking at the ground. "So Mia-" I sighed, I couldn't help myself.

"It's not like that. She just needed someone to go with" He said shaking his head. I looked up at him nodding softly. I swallowed looking down at my feet.

"I saw my mom today" I blurted out making him look up at me with a concerned face. "You did? Where?" He asked stepping towards me. I just watched him. "The grocery store" I whispered. He looked down at me. "She said my dad was back" I swallowed. His face dropped.

"A-Are you okay? What else did she say?" He asked suddenly. I licked my lips and looked to the side. I felt his eyes on me burning into me. I sighed and looked down.

"She asked about my boyfriend" I mumbled and looked up at him. His eyes studied mine, confusion on his face. "The one who got all my stuff from her house" I said looking at him. He sighed and looked down. I swallowed the lump in my throat. I felt tears in my eyes.

"I can't go back there Chris" I whispered shaking my head. "I'm so scared that he knows where I am" My voice broke. "I can't see him again I-" I cried. I felt him wrap his arms around me and pull me into his chest. "It's okay y/n, you don't have to go back there." He whispered against the top of my head as I shook against him.

I let out a hard breath, leaning back and wiping my eyes. he placed his hand on my face wiping my tears before pausing and pulling his hand back. I sighed and looked away from him.

"Why did you do this to me Chris?" I whispered looking away from him. He stayed silent next to me. I glanced over at him. "You broke my heart" I whispered shaking my head. He clenched his jaw and looked to the side.

"Did you even like me?" I cried shaking my head. "Was it worth it?" I asked as he looked over at me. "What was the point?" I said loudly shaking my head. He just stared at me.

"Was it just a game to see if i'd fall for it?" I asked unable to control the words coming out of my chest. "Y/n" He sighed. "No i get it" I shook my hands stepping back from him.

"I don't get a happy ending. I get that. I've known that for a long time" I stated looking at him. "The only part that's fucked up Chris, is that you knew that" I shook my head. "I told you everything with my family and you listened" I said clenching my jaw.

"If it was some game then why did you let me talk to you about that? Did you even care?" I cried shaking my head. He stepped towards me. "Of course I cared" He said looking down at me.

"You don't" I shook my head. "You never did" I swallowed. He just looked sadly at me as I stood in front of him, biting my lip. "Chris why did you let me fall in love with you if you knew you were going to take it all away?" I asked shaking my head pleading for answers. He looked down.

"You don't love me" He whispered. I sighed stepping forwards. "Yes I do. Chris I love you" I stated shaking my head. He looked up at me with an expression I couldn't read.

"You what?"

I froze. Chris froze. My eyes went wide as I looked at Chris. He looked behind me, all color draining from his face. I turned and saw Nick standing there staring at us with a confused expression on his face. I felt my heart start to beat out of my chest as I stared at my best friend.

No. No. No. No.

"Nick" I stepped towards him. He stepped back looking between us. I swallowed as he looked over at Chris. "Chris?" Nick whispered. Chris stood frozen. "Nick, I can explain. I'll explain everything just--" I started to say but he just shook his head stepping back.

"Oh my god" He breathed looking down before turning and walking out. Tears poured out of my eyes. "Nick please wait--" I cried but I felt my arm being pulled back. I turned and saw Chris shaking his head.

"Wait y/n" He said. I pulled my arm away from him. "Don't" I swallowed. "Don't touch me" I said shaking my head as I turned and followed Nick outside. I pushed the door open.

"Y/n don't" He stated warningly as he walked down the driveway. "Nick, please just let me explain" I cried as I walked up to him. He shook his head and didn't look at me as he unlocked his car.

"Nick please. It's not what it looks like" I shook my head. He glared over at me. "Really? Because it looks like you were just telling my brother you were in love with him" He spat looking over at me. My lip quivered as I looked at my best friend who looked at me like I was a stranger.

"Please" I whispered. He clenched his jaw. "So what? Were you just using me to get close to Chris?" He asked looking away from him. I shook my head. "What? No Nick. No, you are the most important person in my life. Please just listen to me" I said quickly. He looked down at me.

"I was not using you, you have to believe me. It just happened" I breathed looking at him. "I don't believe anything you say and I never will again" He breathed before opening the car door and closing it. I just watched him, tears streaming down my face as he pulled out of the driveway.

I swallowed turning back towards the house seeing Chris standing in the doorway. He looked down at me, worry plastered all over his face. I just shook my head and looked away from him as a sob escaped my throat. I pushed past him and ran up the stairs, hearing no footsteps following me as I slammed my door and pressed my back against it.

I covered my mouth to cover the noise of my sobs as I fell against the door sliding down it, as the tears poured out of eyes. I shook my head. This isn't happening. This can't be happening. Please let this be a dream. I cried against my hand, the muffled noise of my cries the only thing echoing through the room.

I tried to breathe but I couldn't. I didn't know what to do. I lost both of them. I was completely and utterly alone.

I don't know how I got here. My feet just led me here. It wasn't hard to find the address. Just one text message now I stood outside of a loud house party. I tilted my head. I stopped crying on my way here. Now I was just numb. Coming into an acceptance of my fate and what I did to get me to this point.

Now I was just here. Looking at all of the people standing outside of the house. Laughing. Smiling. Happy. I swallowed. I could be like them. I could try. Hell, I had nothing left. I could try.

I looked down at my feet and I thought about everywhere I had gone. Everything I had experienced. They say it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. Maybe that was true. But if I never loved him, I would still be happy. I would still have my best friend.

So maybe that was all bullshit.

"You just gonna stand there or you walking in?" A guy said walking beside me. I looked up at him. He stopped and smiled at me. His hair was longer, kind of like Chris. But it wasn't Chris. It was just some other kid. I swallowed.

"I haven't decided yet" I stated wrapping my arms around myself. He smiled and shook my head. "Do I know you?" He asked tilting his head at me. I shrugged. "I don't think so" I stated. He smiled and nodded towards the party.

"So I take it you weren't invited?" He asked looking at the house. "What?" I asked looking at him. "This is my house" He said shrugging chuckling slightly. I looked at the house and then towards the boy. "Oh, sorry. I didn't know" I mumbled looking down at my feet. He shook his head stepping towards me.

"You didn't do anything wrong. You can come in if you want" He stated looking at me. I swallowed turning towards the house. The loud music. It was all overwhelming. Maybe this was a bad idea. I should just go home.

But I didn't know if Nick had gone back yet, or if he wanted to see me yet. That scared me more than the party.

I turned back to him. "You left your own house party?" I asked looking back at him. He smiled holding up a black bag. "Just to get more alcohol" He stated looking at the bag. I looked over the bag. "Alcohol?" I asked as I stared at the bag. He moved the bag back down to his side, chuckling slightly.

"Are you from here?" He asked. I nodded. "I went to Somerville" I stated looking at him. He nodded. "So you aren't from space" He stated making me furrow my eyebrows. "What?" I asked staring at him. He smiled pulling out a bottle.

"You looked at the alcohol like you didn't know what it was" He stated looking at me. I let out a breath. "Yeah, no I know what it is" I nodded swallowing. He smiled.

"I'm Paxton" He said holding out a hand. I looked down at him before shaking it loosely. "Y/n" I stated. He smiled and nodded. "Will you please come into my party y/n?" He asked tilting his head at me making me smile. I let out another hard breath.

"Yeah, I guess" I stated nodding. He smiled and motioned me towards the house. I followed him looking down at my shoes, absolutely terrified to see Chris. I couldn't see Chris. What was I doing here?

We walked into the loud house, the noise overwhemling me. I scanned the room breifly, not seeing any sign of Chris or that Mia girl. Which at this point I didn't know if it was a good or bad thing.

"Hey" I heard his voice again making me look over at him. He motioned me over to him, I hadn't noticed I stopped walking. I moved through the crowd of people before he stopped in front of a counter pulling out bottles of liquor out of the bag and grabbing some cups.

I just watched him, scanning the vodka and jack laid in front of me. My heart beating out of my chest. Visions of a Jack bottle being thrown at the wall beside my head flashing through my mind as he placed a cup out in front of me.

"What are you doing?" I asked looking up at him. He smiled over at me. "I'm getting you a drink" He stated as if it was the polite thing to do. "Oh I don't know" I said shaking my head. He raised his eyebrows. "You can't come to my party and not drink" He stated looking down at me.

I attempted to move past the cockiness in his voice. I only liked when Chris did that. Chris. I felt my heart clench. No. Numb. Forget. You're fine. You're okay.

He took the vodka and unscrewed it before pouring quite a bit into my cup. I just watched as he poured it. He picked up a sprite bottle before pouring that into my cup as well, just not as much as the vodka.

He did the same in his cup. He picked up both cups before handing me mine. I looked down at the cup and then up at him. He raised his eyebrows and looked at me. I looked down at the cup.

My parents always got angry when they drank, but I looked around and no one looked angry. They all looked happy. They all looked like they were actually happy. Maybe I was missing something. Maybe alcohol wasn't bad, maybe I just programed myself to think that way. Just because of my parents. Maybe It would be different for me. It wouldn't hurt to try it. If I hated it I would stop.

"Fuck it" I said looking up at him. He smiled and nodded. "Fuck it" He agreed as we both lifted the cups to our mouths. At first it tasted like sprite, but as I swallowed and took a breath a horrible taste of hand sanitizer filled my mouth.

I squeezed my eyes shut and coughed, tasting the alcohol. He laughed down at me. "You okay?" He asked placing his hand on my shoulder. I looked up at him, shaking my head. "That tastes horrible" I shook my head. He shrugged. "It's get better the more you drink it" He said nodding at me. I looked up at him and then back down at the drink.

I drank a bit more slowly trying to get it down. I shivered and looked at him. He laughed lightly. "See you're a natural" He smiled. I smiled and shook my head. "Thanks" I said shaking my head.

"So you've got a boyfriend?" He asked leaning into me. I sighed and looked down. "Not exactly" I said looking up at him. He just looked down at me. His eyes were brown. I didn't like brown eyes. I liked Chris's blue eyes. They were pretty. His were just dark.

"Not exactly?" He question. I rolled my eyes lifting my drink up to my lips again. "No, I don't have a boyfriend" I stated looking up at him. He nodded tilting his cup up and finishing his drink. I just watched him. How did he drink it that fast?

"You gotta catch up love" He smiled pointing down at my drink. I stared at him. Love? Everything about this felt wrong, because it wasn't with Chris. But I knew I would never have this with Chris. Not again. I swallowed.

This wasn't what I was here to do. Mourn over my relationship with Chris. I was here to forget. To be numb. To be normal. For one night.

I nodded before lifting the cup up my lips and drinking the rest of it, trying not to focus on the taste. He cheered next to me as I shook my head. "I'll get you another one" He smiled taking my cup. I just looked up at him. This was going to be a long night.

After he refilled my cup four times, I was drunk. I didn't know I was drunk for a little bit but when I turned and it felt like I was on a carousel, i knew I was. This is what It feels like huh? I giggled to myself leaning over laughing slightly.

The taste did get better the more I drank. And the punch line of Paxton's jokes became funnier. But now I couldn't really stand up straight. It was like I lost the ability to move around with ease. And I lost the abiltiy to take anything seriously. My body felt fuzzy and I hadn't even thought about Chris. It was working.

I reached for the bottle slightly stumbling. "Woah there" Paxton said grabbing my waist. I smiled and shook my head as I pulled the bottle towards me. "I want more" I said closing my eyes. He took the bottle out of my hands.

"You want more? Are you sure?" He asked. I opened my eyes and It was almost like I was looking at Chris. They looked very similar. Except for the eyes. The eyes reminded me that he wasn't him. No one was.

I nodded. "I do" I smiled. He shook his head as he poured more into my cup. I smiled and pulled the cup towards me, lifting it up my mouth. I downed the whole thing putting the cup back down. He raised his eyebrows at me. I smiled loosing my footing slightly stumbling against him. He held me up.

"Have you ever drank before?" He asked looking down at me. I sighed pushing off of him. "No" I smiled. He sighed shaking his head. "But this is fun" I smiled pressing my hands against my face. He shook his head before grabbing my hand and dragging me through the party.

"Where are we going?" I smiled pulling him towards me. He looked back at me. "We're sitting down, you can't stand" He stated as we walked into the living room and sitting down on the couch. I felt the music move through my body, like it was speaking directly to me. I smiled at the feeling.

"I'm doing a great job standing, look" I motioned to myself I stood in front of him spinning around and slightly stumbling into someone. They turned glaring at me. "Sorry" I laughed.

"She's fine Tyler, she's just showing me how good she is at standing" Paxton said looking over at the boy. He turned to me. "Yeah?" He asked looking at me. "I'm doing a great job" I nodded at him. He shook his head.

"How much have you had to drink?" He asked looking down at me. I shurgged looking over at Paxton. "She's had like five drinks" He stated. Tyler looked down at me scanning my figure. "With your body weight? You're fucked" He laughed at me. I glared at him.

"I'm fine" I stated walking over to sit next to Paxton. "Yeah, she's fine" He stated for me. I looked over at him. He put his arm on the back of the couch behind my head. I glanced at him before leaning forward.

I really didn't want him getting the wrong idea. "So what made you show up to my party Y/n?" He asked leaning into me. I shrugged. "Maybe I just wanted to party" I smiled at him. He looked down at my lips. "Yeah?" He whispered. I nodded turning away from him.

"I don't think i've ever seen a girl as pretty as you" He whispered making me look up at him. I just blinked at him. "Yeah? Look around the room" I closed my eyes, suddenly feeling the room start to spin as that last drink began to hit me. Oh no.

I swallowed. The room's not spinning y/n focus. He spoke but I didn't hear him. I looked up at him, my vision going in and out. All I saw was him staring at me.

"I think I drank too much" I breathed, the room beginning to feel stuffy. He smiled and nodded. "I think you drank too much because someone didn't treat you right" I heard him say. I furrowed my eyebrows leaning back against the couch, feeling it took too much energy to sit up anymore.

"Where'd you get that?" I asked looking at him. He shrugged. "You're a pretty girl, and you came here alone" He stated. I looked away from him, realizing just how close he was to me.

I put my hand against his chest pushing him back, moving my face away. He grabbed my hand and leaned into me. "What?" He smiled. I turned my head away as I felt him grip my leg. My heart beat out of my chest.

"I'm not kissing you" I stated quickly, smelling the alcohol on his breath. "Why not? You're pretty" He whispered leaning in towards my neck. I didn't have the mental capacity to push him away. I shook my head, feeling sweat beading at my forehead. Oh god what did i do?

I felt his lips graze my neck before I felt him being pulled off of me completely. I looked up the room spinning but I could make out someone holding the guy by the shirt, he was now standing.

"Get off her" He said clenching his jaw staring at the dude. He pushed the dude back making him stumbling back into some people. I let out a breath when I realized it was Chris. Paxton glared back at him.

"Dude this one is mine, get your own" Paxton yelled back at him. Chris charged up to him, but pushing him back. "That is my own. She's mine" He said hovering over the dude. I've never seen Chris so angry. I felt myself start to breath heavily.

"Chris" I breathed. His head snapped to me before leaning down next to me. "Are you okay?" He asked looking down at me. I smiled from his presence and nodded, laying against him. He froze.

"Are you drunk?" He asked making me giggle against him. He grabbed my arm pulling me to my feet. "Ow" I said holding my arm back. He turned to me. "Why the hell are you drinking?" He asked looking at me. I frowned looking at my shoes.

"Why are you yyyyelling at me?" I said looking up at him. He took in a breath closing his eyes. "Chris? What are you doing? Who is this?" I heard a voice come up to us. I turned seeing the perfect blonde barbie right next to me. I smiled slightly. Mia.

"Y/n don't" I heard Chris's voice.

"You're the girl who he fucks" I said pointing at her. Her eyes went wide. "What? Who the hell are you?" She said crossing her arms over her chest. I looked over at Chris smiling. "Apparently his" I said leaning into his chest. Her face hardened. Chris put his hands on my shoulder pushing me back up.

"What?" Her face turned to Chris. Chris sighed. "Is this why you won't even kiss me?" She tilted her head. I put my hand over my mouth to muffle a laugh. If I was sober, I would not find this siutation funny. But right now it was the funniest thing i've ever seen.

"No--Yes--Kinda. I can't have this conversation right now. I have to get her home" Chris said shaking his head and wrapping his arm under me holding me up. I smiled at her as she glared at me. "She can't handle herself? Chris you came here with me" She said angrily.

"And now he's leaving with me" I smiled. "Stop talking" Chris said looking down at me. I just smiled and looked down at the ground. "Mia, I'm sorry" He shook his head as we turned and moved us through the crowd.

We walked outside the fresh air hitting me. I stumbled over gripping the railing, swallowing back a gag. I didn't know alcohol was suppose to make you lose every sense you had. I couldn't even stand.

"Y/n" Chris sighed as he grabbed my waist, pulling me up. I groaned leaning into his chest. We walked down the steps and I swallowed feeling his hands around me a little too much. I felt my lip quiver.

"Chris get off" I pushed him, stumbling but then straighting out and looking at him. He sighed shaking his head. "What?" I spat shaking my head. "What?" He asked raising his eyebrows. "What? Really? You want to know what?" He asked stepping towards me. I turned my head crossing my arms over my chest.

"Y/n, what are you doing here?" He asked stepping up to me. I clenched my jaw and looked away from him. "Getting drunk with a random dude?" He asked shaking his head. I swallowed feeling tears prick at my eyes. "How could you be so irresponsible?" He asked towering over me.

"You can't be that stupid, really. Something bad could have happened. You don't know him, you don't know what he was thinking--" He said shaking his head. "And you do?" I asked shaking my head. "I have a few ideas from the way he was grabbing you" He clenched his jaw. I shook my head.

"Sorry, did you want me to let him continue?" He asked throwing his hands up. "No!" I screamed at him. "Chris I don't want any man to touch me ever again but you!" I screamed at him. "Don't you see how much you destroyed me? And you don't even care!" i yelled at him shaking my head. His angry face softened as I yelled at him.

"You don't even care" I whispered shaking my head feeling tears come to my eyes. He sighed walking up to me and placing his hand on my shoulder. "Y/n, just sit down" He said softly. I pushed his hand off me.

"No" I cried pushing his hand off me. "I'll just go home so you can get back to your girlfriend" I said looking up at him, feeling tears come down my face. "She's not my girlfriend and she's never going to be my girlfriend" He stated calmly. "Yeah and why's that?" I mumbled looking at him. He bit his lip and looked at me.

I shook my head turning my head. "You're right. I shouldn't have come. I'm sorry I ruined your party" I mumbled walking past him. He grabbed my arm. "No" He said pulling me back to him. I looked up at him.

"Don't walk away" He stated. I ripped my arm. "What? You can but I can't?" I asked looking at him. He stepped towards me. "Not while you're this drunk. No you can't" He shook his head at me. I swallowed. "I'm not that drunk" I lied. He raised his eyebrows looking down at me.

"Yeah walk in a straight line" He said pointing to the side. I glared up at him before moving to where he pointed as I put one foot in front of the other. I stared down at my feet as I attempted to walk. I held my hands out for balance, but still stumbled.

"Okay, stop" He said walking up to me, grabbing my arm. I pushed him off me. "No I can do it" I swallowed as I continued to walk. He sighed stepping back, but I still stumbled over.

"Y/n stop" He said again. Tears filled my eyes. "No" I cried. He walked up to me grabbing my waist. "Stop" He whispered looking down at me shaking his head. I looked down as tears ran down my face.

"I lost everyone" I cried shaking my head. He just looked down at me. "I don't have anyone, no one loves me" I cried placing my head against his chest. He bit his lip as he looked down at me.

"I'm so scared Chris" I cried. He held me against him.

"I love you"

My cries stopped as the silence of the air surrounded us. I pulled back looking up at him. He looked down at me, concern all over his face. "I love you, y/n" He said again. I stepped back shaking my head.

"N-No you don't" I said shaking my head. He held his hands up. "Why do you think i'm acting like this?" He asked looking at me. "What like going out with other girls? Is that what you're referring to? You don't love me" I shook my head at him. He stepped towards me.

"I love you so much. It's killing me" He said shaking his head. I just watched him. "I've loved you for so long that i'm afraid if i tell you, i'll scare you. I love you so much, it's killing me" He said shaking his head. I just blinked at him.

I held my arm out, putting my hand to my chest. "Y/n? What's wrong?" He asked grabbing my arm. I pushed him away. "Are you okay?" He asked quickly. I shook my head as I leaned over.

He moved next to quickly grabbing my hair as I puked everything I drank onto the ground next to us. He sighed, rubbing my back as I puked. I groaned as I wiped my mouth.

"Are you okay?" He asked leaning down to me. I sighed and sat down on the ground laying down looking up. He sighed smiling slightly down at me before laying down next to me.

"That was really gross" I mumbled, making him chuckle. "It happens to the best of us" He said turning his head and looking over at me. I looked over at him. He smiled sadly at me.

"Do you really?" I whispered. He nodded. "So badly" He whispered back making me close my eyes. I sighed looking back to the sky. "I get why my parents drink" I stated. He just looked at me.

"I forgot about you for a while" I said turning back to him. Hurt plastered all over his face. "It worked until it didn't" I mumbled. He licked his lips.

"We're you going to kiss that guy if I didn't pull him off of you?" He asked slightly. I sat up, he sat up with me. "No" I said looking down at my lap. "Why not?" He asked looking at me. "He didn't have blue eyes" I said smiling slightly looking up at him. He smiled looking down at me.

"Were you going to kiss that girl?" I asked looking at him. He shook his head. "Why not?" I asked. "She's beautiful" I whispered looking down. "She's not even in the same world as you" He whispered making bit my lip.

I stood up.

"I can't Chris" I shook my head. He stood up quickly. "Why not?" He asked looking down at me. I shook my head. "You've done nothing but hurt me, why should I trust anything you say? All you do is hurt me" I sighed shaking my head. He sighed looking down.

"I'll explain everything when you're sober y/n I promise" He said shaking his head. I swallowed looking away. "Chris I can't" I whispered again. "Y/n please. I'm begging you. I'm so sorry" He said grabbing my hands. I shook my head.

"I'm not doing this again" I swallowed looking up at him. He shook his head. "No" He whispered. I pulled my hands back. "I'm sorry" I whispered stepping back and turning.

"Y/n, wait please don't do this" He said as I walked away. I just looked down. "Y/n, wait I have to tell you something" He said but I didn't stop I just kept walking.

"It's about Nick" He breathed making me stop in my tracks. I turned and looked at him, my heart starting to beat. I just stared at me.

He closed his eyes and turned his head.

"It's Holton" He said. I stepped towards him. "What about Holton?" I asked looking at him. He swallowed. He pointed towards the house.

"He was in there" He stated. I looked towards the house, shaking my head not understanding. "He was kissing someone" He said softly. I felt my heart drop. No. My heart broke for Nick.

"He was kissing a girl"

With that I was completely sober.

woahhh that was a long oneeeee hope u loved it sorry if it was all over the place

tag list: @rac00ns-are-c00l4 @miastromboli @secret-sturniolo @sturnsclutter @sturniolodreamz @paper-crab @chrisolivia4l @mwah0mwah @recklesssturniolo @ejswift @kitaysworld @meg-sturniolo @nickmillersn1gf @fr3shl0ve @adrianaturnedpretty @oversturn @ghostgurlswrld @flowerxbunnie @ilytrinsworld @lustfulslxt @kiarastromboli @gemofthenight @blahbel668 @haunted-headset @sturnybabes @bethsturn @d3adlyclassrat @sturnybabes @mattsbitch @chrisluvbot @nickenthusiast @sturniolossmut @biimpanicking @iloveneilperry @chalametbich @dsmja

#matt sturniolo #sturniolo fanfic #sturniolo smut #christopher sturniolo #nicolas sturniolo #sturniolo x reader #spotify #nick sturniolo #chris sturniolo #sturniolo triplets #Spotify

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nirikeehan · 1 year

Note

For the DADWC: The Letter: Write a story entirely in the form of two people writing to each other, for Cullen and Samson?

Thank you, Ann!! I've been deep in my Samson feels this week and this was a joy to write.

For @dadrunkwriting

WC: 614

---

Cullen,

Here is the latest intelligence analysis report on Corypheus’s campaign. I trust you’ll find it valuable.

Your obedient servant,

R. Samson

P.S. You realize this would be much easier to do in person, right?

—

Samson,

Please remember my title in future correspondence. I have received the report and will look it over.

And I have no intention of allowing you to leave the dungeons. You have everything you need.

Commander Cullen

—

COMMANDER Cullen,

It was the Inquisitor’s express wish that we work TOGETHER. Sending missives back and forth via messenger is hardly that, don’t you think?

Your obedient servant,

R. Samson

—

I know exactly what I’m doing, Samson.

Commander Cullen

—

Touchy as always, I see. Does the Inquisitor know you’re circumventing her direct orders?

Your obedient servant,

R. Samson

—

Lady Thalia is well-apprised of my movements.

Commander Cullen

—

Yeah, that’s what I heard, too.

Your obedient servant,

R. Samson

—

What is that supposed to mean, Samson?

—

What, no official sign off? I’m hurt.

—

Just answer the question.

—

You hear things down here, is all. Sound’s surprisingly good. Guards don’t think prisoners got ears, I suppose.

So. You and the Inquisitor, huh?

—

I don’t know what you’re talking about.

—

You do, though. Hey, I was gonna congratulate you! She’s cute. Very spritely. Pretty mouth. Never thought you’d go for a ginger.

—

PLEASE refrain from commenting on the Inquisitor’s appearance to me. Or to anyone else, for that matter.

—

You really are trying to rob me of any drop of joy I’ve got left in life, aren’t you, Cullen?

—

It’s no less than you deserve. Please do not contact me again unless it regards official Inquisition business.

—

Commander Cullen,

I’ve got an inquiry regarding official Inquisition business.

Her hair. Is it red all the way down, if you catch my drift?

Your obedient servant,

R. Samson

—

Commander Cullen,

Nice to see you gracing the dungeons with your presence. The eye is healing nicely, not that you asked.

You’ve still got a hell of a right hook.

Your obedient servant,

R. Samson

—

Commander Cullen,

Listen. I’m sorry I insulted your girlfriend. You used to be able to take a joke.

Remember the time we snuck out past curfew and broke into Meredith’s office? Rearranged all the files in her cabinet? She was enraged for days. I don’t think she ever figured out the reason her potted fern died is because I pissed in it.

That was fun. You were fun, Cullen.

Your obedient servant,

R. Samson

—

I have a very different recollection of the night in question, Samson.

—

He speaks! Tell me, how do you remember it going?

—

You goaded me out of bed in the middle of the night because you wanted me to “live a little.” I was twenty-one years old and spent every minute terrified we’d get caught. I still don’t know how you managed to steal the keys to Meredith’s office.

—

I’ve acquired a number of useful skills over the years.

—

Like pickpocketing, I imagine.

—

Admit you had a good time.

—

I don’t see what good that would do, Samson.

—

Make it a little easier to look me in the eye, for one. What are you so afraid you’re gonna see there?

—

Cullen? You gonna answer me?

—

Commander?

—

I’m running out of little scraps of parchment here, Rutherford.

—

Samson,

Please forgive the delay in my response. I’ve arranged for our next intel analysis session to be in person. In my office.

Commander Cullen

—

You’re shitting me.

—

I’m not. The shackles will stay on, however.

—

Fair. It’ll be nice to see daylight again. And your office. I’ve heard it’s nice.

Will the Lady Thalia be visiting, by any chance?

—

Don’t push your luck.

#cullen rutherford #raleigh samson #every time i write these two idiots i go absolutely feral #i'm normal about samson #cullen x trevelyan #fics #dragon age drunk writing circle

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ffntroco · 3 months

Text

*Deep Sigh*

A lot on my heart, but no one to talk to about it or not feeling safe. Everyone labels me as the bitch, but in reality my heart is so soft and pure. The drama. Why do boys make it so difficult and why do they claim to like you, but try to put you through hell. If you’re that nigga for me why try to inflict pain in me. If you wanna sleep with me why would you talk to me like shit? Why don’t you uplift me. Instill confidence. Passion. Joy. Inspiration. It’s like the goal is to shake up my confidence. I’m exhausted and quite frankly is why I choose to stay single. I’m young and don’t wanna waste these years chasing men. Young and wealthy is my goal. Multiple streams of income and all that. I don’t know who I can trust sometimes and I don’t even know if I can trust myself and after I fought for this healing. This peace. This self love. I still find myself weak because of I guess my craving for love in my lonely little world. But I am scared of if it.

Where’s the loyalty? The appreciation? The respect? The real desire to just be a real person. And it’s no hate in my heart no malice or ill will, but I will no longer let ppl sit and play in my face. Fine you don’t want me then bye. Compare me to others? Go play like you don’t see this divinity elsewhere. I am beautiful and deserving of a beautiful life. So if we cannot add to each others beauty then so be it. I’ve had so many people trying to tear me the fuck down guys. Like it’s been difficult and sometimes it’s hard not to let it not get to you especially when physical violence is involved. What I’m learning is to not get entrapped by someone else spells anymore and stay hyper focused on the blessing that is my life. That’s how you end the mind games and the playing around. And the drama. Like Maddie said in Euphoria. Out of sight. Out of mind.

I hate attention guys. Like I hate it, but people for some reason make me the center of attention by dragging me into problems. I’ve healed. I don’t wanna argue. I spent most of my childhood confused, alone, isolated(which is why it’s hard to make friends for me), abused and neglected. I don’t entail that being in my adulthood since I’ve already been robbed of my childhood and at some point we all have to grow the hell up. You cannot suck on mother’s tits. In taking this time to invest in myself, my future and my loved ones. I have to deem what’s important. What’s important for me is making sure I will be okay. What I’m learning is I have to be okay with not involving myself into other ppls dramas anymore. So many ppl hit me below the belt because of where they are and I’m learning that’s not my fault and I’m learning it’s okay to admit I felt hurt, betrayed and you broke my trust and I know that you don’t care but it’s okay because I do. When we push our feelings to the side in that defense mechanism we’re just telling ourselves we don’t value ourself. I’ve been needing to speak for so long but we live in a world where ppl like me however you may interpret it do not to have a voice a voice in the space of the fact that alot of us queer folk need to take the time to heal. We’re taken advantage of, beaten, neglected, abused, and made to be something we’re not all because of the egotism in masculine energy. It’s like when your feminine the only thing you amount to is being viewed as pleased and I have to accept it because you think I’m sexy. But this sexy mf also walks this thing called life as well as sometimes I’m not feeling it just like you don’t be.

I had to hermit myself. I had to go love on myself. I had to go value myself. I had to protect myself. That’s all I been doin. Lovin me. Valuing me all of me and I’m actually not afraid so say damn okay im not that bad of a person lolz. Stay beautiful.

#dear diary #holisticwellness #artists on tumblr #sculpture #healing

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gg-callmepao · 4 months

Text

TW: obesity and S/A

I recently saw someone share their experience about being obese and how that almost cost them their life. I saw myself in this person and it really put into perspective my desire to gain weight. I’ve dealt with a number of S/A ranging from subtle to horrific and I broke in my 20s.

I’ve been afraid to wear makeup outside and dress up and have tried to gain weight, and failed many times due to crippling depression. I’m now at my goal weight of 150lbs and I wanted to get bigger, but this video really messed me up. They almost died but they felt like they were invisible.

The comfort at the idea that being bigger would maybe achieve that and the realization of holy shit, a part of me is willing to risk diabetes, hypertension and a bunch of health complications just so that I may be able hide and how this other person ate for very similar reasons…was like seeing an alternate version of myself as a version I was actively pursuing.

And I think I’m finally ready to admit that I got to find a way to feel safe in my current body, that doesn’t include neglecting myself and my health.

I also know that fat people also get s/a and while this person’s experience was to feel invisible that isn’t to say it will be mine if I did gain more weight.

I also know you can be fat and not necessarily be unhealthy, but how the fuck do I achieve that? I also don’t want to regret the decision especially if the only reason I’m trying to gain weight is because I think I’ll feel safer.

Also to be clear I don’t think being fat makes you unattractive. I’m not talking about loving yourself and your size. I’m talking about hating your body so much you want to hide it in layers of fat.

#obesity #trauma #body dysmorphia

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apples-butsad · 10 months

Text

Trigger warning: Domestic Violence

I’m being honest the only reason I’m writing this here is because I’m reasonably sure no one will ever see it: I am a survivor of Domestic Violence at the hands of a partner.

This isn’t a secret I hold to myself. Plenty of people in my life know this statement, and some of them have even heard a couple of the stories. So I’m not worried about being outed or doxxed or whatever. But beyond a few chance evenings of vulnerability, I don’t really talk about it much. I, of course, went to therapy for years and managed to get past a lot of the really bad trauma, but I still have evenings where it kind of stings. And when I sit here with my thoughts it can kind of be heavy to go through it alone. Maybe putting this to paper will help. I’m not sure.

It’s one of those nights tonight, obviously. I think what burdens me is that in the several years since we broke up, I’ve never really found someone who I’ve connected with on a romantic level. When you’re with someone for 8 1/2 years and that person emotionally and physically breaks you down, it becomes kind of hard to trust people. At least not without a lot of time and patience. I get the sense that not a lot of people have patience in a big city, where it is pretty hard to date. Part of me is still scared to get hurt again.

Why I don’t talk about this with others? I don’t know. I think I’m worried about feeling like a burden, because nights like these happen more than I care to admit. I’m worried I’m gonna call up friends and they’re gonna get annoyed with how frequently something like this happens. “Oh man, he’s depressed again? Can’t he find someone else to talk to?” That’s the childhood trauma talking, I’m sure.

How it ended is what I think I obsess about the most. At least lately. See, she broke up with me. After cheating on me. Which honestly, yeah it fucking hurt. It hurt a lot. And I don’t know if I ever let myself feel hurt from that, because for so long I was hurting from the beatings and the choking. But even after all of that bullshit I put up with, she couldn’t handle even the slightest pushback. When I finally started having a spine in those final months. When I finally started holding my ground. She had to go somewhere else. She didn’t even fucking try. It should’ve been me. I should’ve ended it. She didn’t deserve me.

She ended up marrying him, 6 months later… on the original weekend we were supposed to get married. Yeah I know, I dodged a bullet. But still. Betrayal like that comes once in a lifetime. I laughed it off at the time. I don’t really laugh anymore. My friends have said “fuck him” in regards to the guy she left me for. And for what it’s worth, he sounds like a piece of shit. But I sometimes wonder if he’s being tormented the same way I was. I know through the social grapevine that he apparently has not been keeping in touch with many of his old friends. He’s very absent among friends and family. Only ever with her. God it sounds so familiar.

I hope I never see her again. I don’t know how I would react if I did. If I ever saw her in a grocery store. I probably would run if I’m being honest. It sounds so pathetic. But I feel her hands around my throat sometimes still. I still get triggered anytime a plate or wine glass breaks. I’d rather just not share the same ZIP code as her.

I also probably would run because part of me is afraid of what I would do if I didn’t. I don’t want to turn into an angry toxic man. I’ve never been much for violence. But part of me is really worried that there’s a rage that would overcome me in that moment. Yeah, running seems better.

#trauma #ptsd #tw dv mention #abuse survivor #ramblings #venting

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icanonlybe-human · 1 year

Text

A lot has happened.

Obviously it was Christmas/holidays and I got two weeks off work. It was the first Christmas without Pop, so everyone was quite emotional. Except me. At this point I’m starting to believe that my brain refuses to feel any emotions unless they’re extreme.

We also went camping which was really nice. We had some really good moments, like watching a lake with moonlight turning the rippling surface of the water into dancing fireflies. Or a rosella waltzing right through camp within an arm’s reach of me. Or watching a black stallion race across the flats with it’s herd (including a baby). Or viewing the magnificence of nature with waterfalls and caves that have taken millions of years to form.

But I also learnt that Mum and Dad are planning on going to the Grampians. And I’m not invited even though they said I’d always be invited to their big adventures. I feel more and more like I’m third wheeling whenever I’m around Mum and Dad. It used to be the three of us against the world, but now it feels like it’s Mum and Dad and I’m the afterthought.

And then, Z texted. And even though I’d had trouble sleeping in that fucking bedroom every time we were sleeping at Mum and Dad’s place, everything came flooding back. For the first time in a year, I cried myself to sleep again, but not just out of pain this time. For the first time since high school, I felt sheer rage. Still do. And it’s because Z didn’t just text me to say he wasn’t coming to a meet up that his parents were coming to. He did it because he wants to get back in touch. Three years later and I’m still fucking broken after what he did to me, after he took advantage of my autistic asexual innocence and fucking broke me. Because of him, I’m a fucking adult who needs fluffy blankets and plush toys and nightlights and humidifiers because I still wake up disoriented, muscles clenched and in a cold sweat because I still have nightmares. My muscles are sore not because of working out, it’s because sleeping is an extreme sport for me because of what he did to me. I still can’t stand to be alone in a room with a guy, and I still can’t do hugs, not just because of the sensory hell but because I literally don’t trust people enough for them to touch me. And yet he wants to get back in touch? Now that I think about it, rage doesn’t fucking cut it.

It’s been two weeks since he texted and I’m still reeling from it. And stress at work is ridiculous because everyone is refusing to help me even though what they’re demanding of me is way too much for just one person to handle. And because everything is going to shit, my depression has obviously spiked again as well as the anxiety. Fuck, I had a panic attack at work on Friday.

I’m afraid that I’m dangerously close to a breakdown. You know how I can tell? When I’m struggling, I have a comfort episode of Supernatural that I get the urge to watch. Season 7 episode 17, when Sam gets admitted to a psych ward for being schizophrenic after his soul was turned into dog food for Lucifer. I don’t have the side of seeing someone else, but the feelings of your own brain attacking you, as well as the feeling of being too tired to fight against it, and then the fractured memories and delirious-ness that comes with it… it’s all what I’ve felt before. And I’m scarily close to tipping over the edge into the fractured memories part soon if things don’t get better.

Alarm bells are a-ringin and there isn’t a damn thing I can do to stop it.

#diary #journal #mental illness #sa survivor

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malum-forev · 3 years

Text

Galas, New Dates and Exes Pt. 2

Pt. 1 Pt. 2 Pt.3 Pt.4 Pt. 5 Pt.6

Warning: drama, pregnancy loss

Summary: Bucky and (Y/N) broke up and they see each other for the first time at one of Tony's parties. The only problem is, she has a new date.

Word Count: 2k

Comment if you would be interested in a pt. 3

“Shit.” (Y/n) whispered as she slowly turned around to face Him. “Hi Bucky.”

Bucky almost winced at the sound of her voice. She never called him Bucky, it was always Buck, James or handsome. The last one was his favorite, even if he never admitted it. (Y/n) once told him that Bucky sounded fake, for (y/n) Bucky was the one on billboards and commercials. When she was with him, she only wanted to see his true self.

He stepped in between (y/n) and her date, not caring that he almost bumped into the person behind him. “Hey doll.”

“I’ll get an old fashion.” Bucky told the bartender, not even a second later he heard a laugh from behind him. “Is there something funny.”

“Actually, there is something funny about an almost mummified man ordering an old fashion. Was that your favorite drink before the prohibition?” Nicholas said, swiftly moving from behind the former Winter Soldier to be next to (y/n).

Bucky could feel his blood boiling. He usually preferred when people weren’t afraid of him, after all of these years he just wanted to be a normal guy, but this was one of the cases where he wished (y/n)’s date feared him.

Before he could answer, both Sam and Steve grabbed Bucky’s shoulders.

“Hey Buck, we’ve been looking for you.” Steve managed to give off a fake smile.

“Yeah, we-uh- we found someone giving those jumbo shrimps that you like. Let’s go look for them!” Sam said trying to pull his partner away from his ex and her date.

“Yeah, I think we have to leave too. I want you to meet Natasha.” (Y/n) said trying to help the situation. Bucky realized that he probably shouldn’t flip both Steve and Sam over and kill (y/n)’s date, whose name he didn’t even know, even if that’s what he wanted to do. Instead, he just fixed his suit and nodded.

“It was nice seeing you, y-you look good.” Bucky said sincerely, for the first time since he got to the party.

“Steve, Sam, it was nice seeing you guys.” (Y/n) said before turning to the man she had been thinking about constantly for the last six months. “Bucky, I’ll see you around I guess.”

Bucky thought his heart couldn’t break into more pieces but, he was wrong. A piece of his broken heart shattered into tiny fragments as he saw (y/n) take her date’s hand and lead him to the dance floor.

“That should be me.” Was the only thing Bucky could say as he drowned his drink and asked for another one.

“You don’t even like to dance, I’ve seen you do it. It’s like when Bambi was a newborn, legs flailing and basically a complete shit show.” Sam replied with a small laugh.

“He liked dancing when it was with her.” Steve said patting Buck on the shoulder before fixing his tie.

“Dude, you’re not helping!” Sam shot Steve a death glare. They both turned to Bucky.

“He’s right. I may be no good at dancing but with (y/n) I didn’t feel like an ass doing it.” Bucky sighed. “I thought I was going to be fine tonight.”

“You guys dated for two years Buck! It’s normal for you to feel this way. C’mon let’s go to our table.” Steve said and both Sam and Bucky followed him. Bucky looked back only once, right before reaching his table. In that moment, he caught (y/n)’s eyes. It was as if they were speaking, it was something that they had developed. Bucky wasn’t one to talk much, so these stolen looks were sometimes the only thing they had. She saw his piercing blue eyes, for a second all she wanted was to run back into his arms, he could see this.

“I still love you.” He whispered, no one around him heard but Bucky knew (y/n) read his lips. She opened her mouth to reply but closed it again after a moment. One single tear rolling down her cheek, the same cheek he used to pepper with kisses in the morning. How he wished he could turn back time just to be there again, even if it were only for an hour. Hell, he would give up everything to be with (y/n) for a single minute. But Bucky knew there was no turning back, so he just sat down and tried to get involved in whatever conversation his friends were having.

“I don’t know how you were ever a spy, you’re so bad at not showing your emotions.” Natasha said with a laugh, startling (y/n).

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” (y/n) said, putting up a fake smile, to which Natasha only rolled her eyes.

“You’re going to have to talk to him at some point you know. I know we’ve had some quiet months, but you know Steve wants both of you at his side whenever the real problems start.”

“I’ll be able to concentrate.” Said (y/n) looking across the room trying to distract herself with anything, she knew Nat was right.

“You can’t even concentrate at a party. I know that mind of yours never rests.”

“Today isn’t the day to talk about it. Plus, you owe me some jagger shots.” (Y/n) smiled and pointed towards the bar.

“I thought you were never going to ask.” Natasha smiled.

A couple of hours into the party, the most important part of the night was coming up. Tony got up on the stage to give a toast before the last minutes of the year were over.

“I’m really glad you all could make it. It really shows that you guys don’t want me to cut down your pay.” Was how Tony started his speech, gaining a roaring laughter from the crowd. “Pepper is the one who usually makes these stupid toasts so all I’m going to say is, enjoy the booze I’ve put out and black out. We’ll all save the world another day.”

“In all seriousness, thank you for coming. Over the past years, we’ve really become a family. We’ve had our ups and downs, but I hope all of you know that even if the world is crashing down, we’ll be here for you.” Pepper added with a smile and the music came back to life.

On the enormous screens, the last ten seconds flashed. (Y/n) turned to Nicholas and smiled.

“Are you going to actually kiss me now? Or is this just a fake kiss like before.” She asked him, the corners of her mouth turning upwards.

“You tell me?” Nicholas replied as he saw the last two seconds on the screen and enveloped her into an amazing kiss. It was obvious he knew what he was doing, his mouth perfectly synchronized with hers, leaving her breathless. “Happy New Year’s.”

(Y/n) bit her lips and looked up at him through her eyelashes, seeing the handsome man smile back at her. As he turned around to clink his champagne glass with the rest of the table, (y/n) felt a gaze burning from behind her. As she turned to see what she already expected, Bucky’s pools of azure met hers. He only raised his glass to her, and she did the same.

The next think (y/n) saw was fire. Something, or rather someone, had crashed into the large windows creating a huge commotion. Like clockwork, they all got ready to fight whatever it was. They heard it first, a sinister laugh, and then came the small green bombs. (Y/n) saw that as they expelled the green mist, people started dropping to the floor. She started moving the people closest to her towards the doors, grabbing a gun from the underside of the table. She mentally thanked Nick Fury for always being prepared for anything. As the fog cleared up, (y/n) came up to Natasha, Tony, Thor, Steve, Sam, and Bucky. That’s when they saw the real damage. The people nearest to the window had severe cuts from the broken glass, others were almost coughing up blood.

“We need to get everyone out of here.” Steve said.

“I’ll escort these four tables.” (Y/n) said. “They’re mostly fine, just somewhat dizzy because of the mist.”

“Who was that?” Natasha asked.

“I have no idea, but that’s just a warning of what’s to come.” Tony said, sending drones to provide quick medical help and assess the damage.

Outside of the building, security guards, secret service and police officers were filling the streets. (Y/n) had brought almost all of the guests to their cars, now only Nicholas was left.

“Hey, take this.” Nicholas said, taking off his suit jacket.

“Oh no, I’m fine really.” (Y/n) said, trying to shrug off the fact that she was near hypothermia.

“You know, superheroes get cold too.” He smiled as he placed the jacket on her shoulders. “I don’t know what I was expecting before going on a date with an avenger but, this was certainly more eventful than I thought.”

“I’m really sorry about tonight. I didn’t think we were in danger, nothing usually happens this time of year.” (Y/n) sighed, looking down at her feet. “I completely understand if you don’t want to see-“

(Y/n) was interrupted with another breathtaking kiss.

“I have to go now, when can I see you again?” He asked.

“I didn’t think you would want to- I-I mean we can- whenever.” (y/n) said, eyes gleaming.

“I have to be back next week. I’ll call you, if you’re available.” Nicholas said, once again showing off his amazing smile. “You still owe me half of a date.”

“Call me.” (Y/n) smiled back as she saw his bodyguard escort him to their car.

“That seems extremely promising.” Pepper said from behind her. As (y/n) turned around, she saw both Pepper and Tony looking proud.

“I think it’s safe to say that you have to name your firstborn Tony.” He said looking serious while (y/n) burst out laughing.

“Let’s go, we still have a ton of booze up there.” Pepper said with a smile.

Now that they were almost one hundred percent sure nothing was going to happen, the real party started. Everyone wanted to let loose after the scare. Hell, even goody two shoes’ Rodgers was taking tequila shots.

(Y/n) stepped out into the balcony, looking back at the party. Sure, it was fun seeing Sam put shots on redwing’s back and serving them to everyone or seeing how Nat and Wanda would compete at who could finish a champagne bottle fastest. But at some point, it all got to be too much for (y/n).

“I thought you were never cold.” (Y/n) heard from behind her. Maybe it was the liquid courage, disguised as one whole bottle of vodka, that she had drunk or maybe it was just the fact that they had been attacked and she wanted to relax. She turned around, for the first time in the night, to face Bucky.

“I thought you said you never wanted to see me.” She spat back, remembering what he had said during their last fight.

“We both said outrageous things that night.”

“Trust me, I remember that night vividly. The only one who said out of line things was you.” (Y/n) took a sip of the champagne bottle in her hand, wanting the gold liquid to erase her mind. “I came out here to be alone.”

“You used to only want to be alone with me.” Bucky replied, taking the bottle from her hand, and bringing it to his mouth.

“You used to want to be with me.” Was the only thing (y/n) said, she turned her back to him and looked at the skyscrapers.

From inside the ballroom, Sam and Steve were getting worried.

“Should we go out there?” Sam asked.

“Leave them alone.” Natasha said from behind the two men. “Considering everything (y/n)’s been through, I think she can put up with one talk.”

“I just don’t know what happened with them, they were two lovebirds one second and the next one they were enemies.” Sam said shaking his head.

“Oh, don’t act like you didn’t know she was pregnant.” Natasha said with a cold laugh, after she didn’t hear a reply, she looked at them. Both Steve and Sam were left dumbfounded.

“What?!” Was all Steve could muster up to say.

It was at that moment, Natasha knew she had fucked up.

“She never told him.” She whispered, shocked.

vicmc624 baby-banana

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heyyyharry · 3 years

Text

Drivers License

(inspired by drivers license by Olivia Rodrigo)

Word count: 2.5k

And you're probably with that blonde girl Who always made me doubt She's so much older than me She's everything I'm insecure about

This song is so sad and it made me cry so I had to write something about it 🤧

“I love the song.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

Y/N chewed on her bottom lip, drumming her fingers on the steering wheel. “But?” she asked her producer, who was on the phone. “You don’t sound like you love it.”

“Of course I love it, Y/N. It’s just–” Came a pause. “Do you really want this to be the next single?”

“What do you mean? You love it but it’s not good enough to be a single?”

“It’s too good, Y/N,” her producer said. “It’s very...personal.”

“That’s why I want to put it out, Gray. It means a lot to me.”

Gray was quiet for another moment. “The media and his fans are going to come for you.”

“I don’t care.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, I’m sure.”

“Alright. I’ll call you back.” Gray sounded defeated but she could still sense a smile as he told her, “Good job, kid,” before hanging up.

Y/N put her phone away, tossed her head back and heaved a sigh. She was well aware of the trouble she’d cause by releasing this song. It’d be like showing the whole world her diary. She’d written plenty of songs on her previous albums about her relationships, too. There had been witch hunts simply because the men she’d written songs about had fans who worshipped them and refused to see them as anything less than perfect. She wasn’t perfect, either. If she were perfect, she wouldn’t have written a song about an ‘almost’ relationship. She’d know her worth and not have chased someone who didn’t and would never want her. She knew that now. So this song would be the last thing she’d give this person. The last goodbye that she never got to say.

“What are you smiling at?”

“Nothing.”

“Let me see,” Y/N giggled and tried to grab his phone as he pretended to fight her off.

“Alright, alright.” He laughed, reached out to turn the music in his car down and handed her the phone. “It’s the memes your fans made about you not being able to drive,” he said, suppressing a grin.

Her jaw dropped. “I hate you!”

“I’m sorry. It slipped out,” he said, laughing again. She could listen to his laugh on replay. She loved his music, but his laugh had to be her most favourite melody. “To be fair, you talked a lot of shit about me in that interview, too.”

“Hey, hey, hey,” she scoffed at the smug look he was wearing. “At least I didn’t tell the whole world about your imaginary friend that you had until you were thirteen. You spilt my secret.”

“Not a secret anymore.”

She playfully smacked him on the arm. “My lawyer will hear about this.”

He pouted, pretending to be upset. “Guess we’ll never work together anymore.”

“Acting is not for me anyway.”

Y/N gave Harry back his phone. He took it but didn’t break eye contact as his brows knitted. “Stop saying that. You were great in the movie.”

She rolled her eyes sarcastically. “Oh please, have you been on the internet?”

“You mean my fans’ reactions, right? Just ignore them.” He breathed. “I mean, I love my fans, but they could be too much sometimes. Just look at all my previous relationships. I can’t even breathe around a female without them sending her death threats.”

“Yeah,” Y/N let out a nervous laugh, hands folded together resting on her knees. “Speaking of relationships,” she ventured, “are you talking to someone new?”

She wasn’t looking at him yet she could feel the heat from his gaze as he told her, “No. I already told you, Y/N. Right now there’s just you.”

Harry turned, putting both hands on his steering wheel. Was he nervous as well? Had she ruined the moment by bringing this up?

He took a deep breath, confirming her assumption. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I’m just not ready for a relationship.”

It was the same line he’d told her times and times again, and she wished she could just tell him how much she loathed it. And since she couldn’t say anything, she just nodded and focused on the rings on her fingers.

“I do care a lot about you, though,” he added, his voice heavy with emotions.

Her friends had told her that men would say things like this, and most of the time they barely meant half of it. However, she’d known Harry for years. Their relationship had only changed since they’d been cast for the same movie earlier this year. She was confident that she knew him better than her friends or anyone else. Surely, he’d meant all the things he’d said to her. The problem was, he just wasn’t ready for a relationship.

“And I don’t want to lose you, Y/N,” he said, now looking at her again.

She turned slowly and met his thoughtful green eyes. She offered a single smile as a way to tell him she wasn’t upset, even though she was, a little bit. “I don’t want to lose you, either,” she admitted.

His dimples reappeared. “I feel like it’s rare for people like us to find a connection like this, and I’ve never opened up to anyone the way I have to you. But I think now isn’t the time for us to take the risk of ruining this. Right now we’re still trying to figure out our own lives, you know?”

She nodded again, not knowing what to say.

They sat quietly for another moment, and it was he who broke the silence. “How come you never learn to drive?”

She could feel her cheeks glowing red. “I never had to drive myself.”

She’d been famous since she was fourteen, so she’d always had people driving her places. Whenever she told anyone that reason, they’d either call her spoiled to her face or give her a judgemental look that made her feel self-conscious. She didn’t have a dad or siblings, her mum didn’t know how to drive, either, and she was too afraid to ask anyone to teach her for she feared they’d judged her.

“I could teach you.”

Y/N whipped her head up and blinked blankly at him. “Really?”

“Of course,” he chuckled. “I have a cousin who didn’t learn to drive when he was young because of his anxiety and I taught him. I could teach you.”

Trying to hide her excitement, Y/N smiled. “Okay.”

“Yeah?” His grin widened even though he was the one doing her a favour. It was moments like this that reassured her that he wasn’t like the other guys who’d broken her heart. “When you got your driver license,” he said, “you can drive up to my house on your own.”

“We can even go on road trips,” she said happily, already imagining the many scenarios in her head.

He seemed equally elated, which made her heart swell. “Yeah! Wanna do it now or–”

“Let’s do it now.”

“Yeah, okay.” Quickly, he unbuckled his seatbelt and got out of the car. She climbed into the driver seat and watched him settle into the passenger side. That afternoon was the first time she’d learned how to drive. She would always remember that.

“Y/N, you’re up next,” said one member of the backstage staff who handed Y/N her mic and ran off to check on the backing vocalist.

Y/N felt her heart thumping in her chest as she clutched the microphone to her chest and sucked in a deep breath. She looked to her right, peering at her reflection in the full-length mirror. She looked beautiful. The makeup team and her stylist had spent three hours on this look and made sure that she was flawless.

Would he be watching the show tonight?

Had he even listened to the song?

It got to number one on the iTunes chart today. He must have listened to it. If not, he must have heard it on the radio or someone must have sent it to him. The whole world knew the song was for him, and everyone was talking about it. So even though he didn’t care anymore, even though he was happy with his new girlfriend, he must be wondering. Because when she’d heard that he’d written a song about her, she’d been so excited to listen to it. So could it be that he was wondering as well?

“This is Y/N performing her latest single DRIVERS LICENSE!”

Y/N took a deep breath as she got a nod from the stage director. She stepped out, soaked in the stage lights while the audience applauded and cheered for her. She stood at the centre of the stage as the band started playing and the noise in the audience died down. As a habit, she searched the front rows for his face despite knowing with every fibre in her body that this would be the last place he’d be tonight.

I got my driver's license last week

Just like we always talked about

'Cause you were so excited for me

To finally drive up to your house

But today I drove through the suburbs

Crying 'cause you weren't around

She could see it even now. Them driving through the quiet night. From her house to his and back. Just the two of them. The kisses they’d share at stoplights when there was no one else around. The way he’d place his hand on her thigh just because he wanted to. In retrospect, she should have realised that he wouldn’t ever do that to her in public. Their relationship, if she could call it that, had been almost nonexistent. Maybe that was why it’d been so easy for him to move on. You couldn’t feel remorse leaving behind something that didn’t exist. How unfortunate. It’d been real to her.

And you're probably with that blonde girl

Who always made me doubt

She's so much older than me

She's everything I'm insecure about

Yeah, today I drove through the suburbs

'Cause how could I ever love someone else?

She’d thought to herself that if he could write a song about someone he’d never dated, it was worth staying with him despite not actually being with him. She could not expect that a few months after that song had come out, he would be seen driving around with another girl. The girl he’d told her was only a good friend. This girl was older and perfect in every way. Y/N wouldn’t choose herself either if the choices were between her and that girl. But she couldn’t bring herself to hate the girl. It wasn’t the girl’s fault that Harry had chosen her. And it wasn’t Harry’s fault that Y/N refused to see the red flags through her rose-coloured glasses.

And I know we weren't perfect

But I've never felt this way for no one

And I just can't imagine

How you could be so okay now that I'm gone?

Guess you didn't mean what you wrote in that song about me

'Cause you said forever, now I drive alone past your street

Y/N wrote this song a week after she’d got her drivers license. She’d blast sad music in her car and cried as she drove past his house, wondering if he was still up and thinking of her whenever he saw headlights passing his street. The heartbreak had been confusing to her as they weren’t even together. It was funny how the whole world had believed in them, except for him. He’d told her he loved her, so why weren’t they together now? He’d said he wasn’t ready, so why was he holding hands with someone else on the street? Was it because of her? Was it something that she’d done? Was there something wrong with her? Why couldn’t he choose her? Y/N had pondered over those questions for months until she came to accept that there didn’t have to be a reason for someone to leave you. They simply lost feelings or found someone else. No one owed you an explanation.

Red lights, stop signs

I still see your face in the white cars, front yards

Can't drive past the places we used to go to

'Cause I still fuckin' love you, babe

For months, he'd been a ghost living rent-free in her head. She saw him in every face and every crowd, and she could even, in this moment, hear the sound of his laugh somewhere in the audience. She could hear him telling her he was proud of her, that everything would be okay. And the worst part was that, without her, he was still doing fine. He wouldn’t see her everywhere he went. He wouldn’t think about her when he was lying in bed and couldn’t sleep. He wouldn’t wonder if she missed him. Because he didn’t miss her. And he would be saying the same things he’d said to her to his new girl.

Sidewalks we crossed

I still hear your voice in the traffic, we're laughing

Over all the noise

God, I'm so blue, know we're through

But I still fuckin' love you, babe (Ooh, ooh)

There on the stage, she received sympathetic looks from the people in the front row as she cried her heart out to the lyrics. He might be at home this moment, watching the show with his new girlfriend, and seeing her cry on live television. Would they laugh at her together? Would he turn to his girlfriend and say he was sorry for how he’d treated Y/N and promised to never hurt his girlfriend the same way? The most heartbreaking thing, Y/N thought, wasn’t him leaving, but seeing him treat someone the way she’d wanted to be treated and realising that he’d been capable of doing it all this time, just not with her.

I know we weren't perfect

But I've never felt this way for no one

And I just can't imagine

How you could be so okay now that I'm gone?

Guess you didn't mean what you wrote in that song about me

'Cause you said forever, now I drive alone past your street

Putting all her feelings into this song had made everything seem so much simpler and clearer. And at the end of the day, Y/N believed that the whole purpose of songwriting was to get closure. Perhaps, one day, when she listened to this song again, she wouldn’t be sad anymore.

Yeah, you said forever, now I drive alone past your street

“Good job, Y/N.”

“Thank you.”

“Love the song! You’re amazing.”

“Thank you.”

Y/N faked a few more smiles then shut the door of her dressing room and slumped into her chair in front of the vanity.

All alone, she looked right at her reflection and took a deep breath.

Her phone buzzed and lit up with a new text message.

Harry: Congratulations on your no 1 :) xx

She pondered over the words, picked up her phone, and deleted his contact.

#harry styles #harry styles fanfic #harry styles fanfiction #harry styles imagine #harry styles imagines #harry styles one shot #harry styles one shots #harry styles x reader #harry styles x you #harry styles x y/n #harry styles fanfics #harry styles fanfictions #harry styles fluff #harry styles angst #drivers license

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shadowsingersmate · 3 years

Note

Hiii can you do a really angsty azriel×reader where they have a huge fight about him not opening up to her but with a happy ending so they make up at the end?

Hey! I have a lot of request atm and I should probably be doing them by chronological order but I LOVED this idea so here it is.

Tw: cursing, slight mention of sex :)

Hope you enjoy this!

You and Azriel had been friendsfor what you’d say a long period of time. You knew each other for four years now and it was safe for you to say that you had left yourself open for him to see. Especially after you two had gotten together, no you weren’t mated but he still was a huge part of your life. You didn’t hesitate once, you told him 𝑒𝑣𝑒𝑟𝑦𝑡ℎ𝑖𝑛𝑔, around him you were yourself. You wanted him to know every single part of you. You trusted him that much.

Unfortunately, it wasn’t the same for him. Although you two had known each other for so many years he’d still be too close to himself. He’d never talk about his feeling, about his day. cauldron! He’d never talk to you about anything important, the only way for you to know a somewhat small part of him and his life would be cassian.

But you’ve had enough of that, enough of this bullshit behavior. You trusted him more than anyone and although you couldn’t and didn’t 𝑤𝑎𝑛𝑡 to force him to tell you. No, he was a grown male and he could do whatever he wanted but you wanted some answers, you wanted to know why he was so secretive, why he didn’t trust you.

It was a normal day, nothing special really. You had just came home from a meeting with rhysand (as you, yourself was a part of the high lords court). Azriel came back to your shared apartment briefly after, the skin under those beautiful captivating hazel eyes bruised, his own gaze hiding pure rage. You would admit, he did do a good effort trying to hide his anger but you’d see under those eyes.

“Hey” you smiled. But your smile quickly faded as he dismissed you with a small ‘hey’ , barely audible in the quiet, empty room.

“You okey?” Such a simple question, but his next words meant so much to you.

Silence....

“You wanna talk about it?” You tried again.

“No” he retorted abruptly. You seriously didn’t know why would you get your hopes up. It was more than obvious that he simply didn’t want to talk to you.

“Are you hungry? I could make dinner” you tried again.

No answer.

“Azriel”

No answer

“Azriel,‘I’m talking to you. Are you okey?”

No answer.

At this point you had stood up walking towards him. He was just standing there, he was gazing at the window, at this point you didn’t even know if he actually heard you.

“Azriel!” You raised your voice.

“Can you please be quiet!” He shouted loud enough for you to flinch. “I don’t 𝑤𝑎𝑛𝑡 to talk about it” he said pure venom dripping of his voice.

You’d never see him this mad over something you had said, and you, for sure, didn’t expect for him to be this mad over such a small question.

“You see that the thing Azriel, you 𝑛𝑒𝑣𝑒𝑟 seem to want to talk about it” you snapped. No, you’ve had enough, this was the last straw. “I’m here, I’ve been by your side for years, I’m trying so hard. I’m always trying to make you happy however I can. I’m trying to help you, I’m trying... Cauldron boil me I’m trying so hard” your voice broke slightly at the end “what can I do for you to trust me? To open up to me for once? What do you want me to do?” You raised your voice

Now it was his turn to flinch, he just stayed quiet, his eyes burning yours. His lips forming a thin line, almost as if he was restraining himself from saying something.

You soon realized what he was trying so hard to hide, it had 𝑐𝑙𝑖𝑐𝑘𝑒𝑑, the mating bond had just clicked. You watched him carefully, his look was enough for you to realize that he had know about the bond.

“The bond, you knew about the bond?” Of course that was what he was trying to hide.

No answer, just a guilty look sprained across his face.

“How long?” You questioned. “Y/n please just hear me out”

“That was what all of this were about,Right?” You laughed bitterly “you didn’t once see me as something important, just some stupid female you could keep around so you could use whenever your wanted a quick release, right?” You watched him, he was completely out of words. What could he say really?

“And to think that I was worried about you not trusting me, now it all make sense” you said more for yourself to hear “you barely talked to me, you barely had time for me except only when you wanted to fuck” you sobbed.

“No, y/n please just let me explain I- I“ he lookd shuttered. His gaze was a mixture of pure regret and guilt.

“No- dont! I won’t tolerate this anymore Azriel, I’m tired. You want a quick lay out? I don’t care anymore use your hands, go to a pleasure hall cause I don’t give a fuck anymore Azriel. Because you clearly don’t want 𝑚𝑒“ you turned to leave but something stopped you midway “just answer this one question” you fiddled with your fingers, afraid of his answer. “Did you really wanted to hide the bond so badly? Is really being my mate so tragic?” You immediately regretted your questions “actually don’t- don’t answer, goodbye” you said before you ran away, you needed space- lots of it.

It had been a week since you last talked. You’d be so desperate to find a way to get him out of your mind, to forget him that you had asked Rhysand for more work, a whole lot more work.

You’d barely sleep, barely eat. You’d wake up train, work, work, work and then, 𝑖𝑓 you felt too tired you might have actually gotten some sleep.

You’d also bought a new apartment for yourself, you couldn’t bare staying there and also you didn’t want to kick out azriel so you did the next best thing. You’d spent a small amount of money for something small, just enough till you found something better cause your decision was final. You weren’t going back to him, never.

Of course the inner circle had started to get worried, you wouldn’t even attend the family dinners anymore, you just disappeared. You had hidden the location of your new apartment for a couple of weeks before mor and cassian appeared at your doorway desperate for a talk.

Cassian was like a brother to you, mor was your sister. You talked to them, you trusted them but this, this was different. What would you say? They would probably tell you to talk to azriel. That he couldn’t bare being alone or some shit like that, he was their family after all.

It wasn’t that you were being ungrateful, the inner circle never once made you feel out of place, they all welcomed you and treated you like family but that didn’t mean that would last long enough after you and Azriel brake up.

“Hey” mor said quietly.

You muttered a small ‘hey’ in response before moving out of the way sot hey would come in.

“We’re have you been y/n? We were worried” cassian started, he didn’t do it on purpose. Cassian would always jump in questions, he cared deeply for you and you knew that. Mor on the other hand shot he a glare before starting, hereself asking questions “do you want to talk about it? I could ask the baby to leave if you want to” she said.

You let out an agitated sight, blinking back the tears that were mere second from breaking away as you remembered ℎ𝑖𝑚 “There’s nothing to talk about”. You would never imagine how much a heartbreak would hurt. It felt like you had lost a whole part of yourself, a part that would never come back.

“It was never meant to last anyway” you said finally, hoping that they would just drop the subject. It was true, you knew that this relationship would work out, couldn’t work out. He was, well he could have whoever he wanted, what special did you have? Well certainly not whatever he wanted.

A month, it had been a month. A whole month with tiring days and endless, sleepless nights. Your under eyes were bruised and your body had changed. The work was swallowing you whole but it did wonders when it came to forgetting him.

Mor, cassian, rhysand, Feyre, even amren and nesta would come to talk to you and make sure that you were okey. You had also realized that Azriel, himself was trying get you to talk to him.

He’d do some hopeless tries. He’d tell Azriel to convince you to join the dinners and start coming on the inner circle gathering more often, mor had told you. But you just knew that whoever Azriel had wanted instead of you just didn’t feel the same way so he tried to found you again.

As you were drowning in you thought a knock was heard, weird. Nobody and told you anything about any visit today. You stood up and made your way towards the door, it was probably cassian and he probably had forgotten to tell you that he would visit.

But you weren’t ready for the person that was standing right outside your doorway. Muscular, tall Illyrian, wings tucked in tightly, grazed eyes scanning you whole. Look filled with guilt. 𝐴𝑧𝑟𝑖𝑒𝑙.!

“Hey” he gave you a soft smile, but it did nothing to hide the pained expression that lingered on his eyes.

You averted your gaze as you clenched your jaw. For a moment you contemplated shutting the door in front of his face, scream at him, or even launch yourself at him.

He had lied to you, he had hurt you, he never trusted you and you didn’t know what was worse the fact that he never saw you seriously or the fact that you believed in this relationship- you believed in him….

“What do you want?” You fought with everything you’ve got for your expression to remain neutral.

“I want yo talk, I- I know what I did was wrong and I know that I hurt you, deeply, but” he paused taking a deep breath as if to calm himself.

“But what?” You snapped venomously and he flinched, he actually flinched “You come here trying to what? Apologize?” You started pacing “I am your mate, and I can understand and accept the fact that you don’t want the bond, that you don’t want something more intimate between us but not telling me? That’s was beyond cruel, because you knew, you 𝑘𝑛𝑒𝑤 that I wanted to find my mate, you knew that I wanted you to be my mate and you didn’t care”

Azriel’s eyes widened in disbelief as he heard you talking. You laughed bitterly “you’ve been dragging me besides you for years and for what Azriel? For what? To dump me when you’ve found someone better? Someone that you actually want?” You blinked furiously trying to restrain your tears.

“Y/n please, I- I do have feeling for yo-“ Azriel tried but you were quick to interrupt him once again. “You think that I’m mad because you don’t have feelings for me? You’re unbelievable! I angry because you hid something like this from me, you humiliated me”

“No!” His voice rose slightly “I never said that, just please let me talk” you snorted but let him go on “I- I love you, all this years weren’t a waste for me. I knew you were my mate from them moment I first saw you. I hid it and it was wrong of me, yes. But I did it because I didn’t want you to feel obliged to accept the bond, I wanted you to see me, I wanted the best for you and still am and I know that I’m not the one that can make you happy y/n” his eyes shone, tears threatening to escape.

“I love you so, so much and the fact that I cannot be the one to make you happy… it kills me. I do t deserve you, I never did and I never will do yes I’m sorrry that I hurt you, I’ll never forgive myself for this but I don’t regret not telling you about the bond from the start, because I know- mother burn me, I know that I’m not the best for you” he was crying, the legendary shadow singer 𝑤𝑎𝑠 crying in front of you.

Your heart broke at the sight of him, at the sight of someone you cared abott it so deeply being so vulnerable in front of you. “Azriel I- I had no idea” you couldn’t restarting your own tears. “I- you, you are amazing you deserve 𝑒𝑣𝑒𝑟𝑦𝑡ℎ𝑖𝑛𝑔 this world can give you, you are everything I could ever wish for and even more. If someone does not deserve this relationship is me. I’m sorry. I- I love you”

His lowered head rose as you uttered the last words, his lips twitched slightly, but the smile didn’t last long as he continued talkibg “It’s not that I don’t trust you, I do trust you, it’s just hard for me to share my feelings and sometimes I need some time before I am ready to talk about some things. But I swear I’ll try, I’ll try so hard to be everything you want me to be. You are my everything”

It was your turn to smile “I love you, I love you, I love you” you repeated again and again as this head lowered, his lips met yours and the room erupted. The kiss was filled with all the love you two had for each other.

“I love you more” he whispered as he pulled you in for a hug.

#a court of mist and fury #a court of silver flames #a court of thorns and roses #a court of wings and ruin #acotar #azriel #shadowsinger #acotar fanfic #acotar fanfiction #azriel fluff #azriel x reader #azriel angst #inner circle #acosf #acotar fluff #acomaf #acowar #acotar x reader #illyrian

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boldlyvoid · 3 years

Text

ain't it fun? | part two

Part Two

summary: reader just needs an NA meeting before they have a meltdown, they end up with the best friend they could ever make.

warnings: falling in love, fluff, hurt/comfort, implied/referenced smut, non-descriptive

a/n: so glad you liked part 1 I couldn't help myself from continuing

word count: 3k

from the beginning

She’s laying in his bed, one of his friends showed up early and she’s pretending she’s not there. But his friend brought breakfast and it smells good and she’s starving.

After crewing the hell out of her lip and 5 minutes of hyping herself up; she gets up off the bed, still in her sweater and shorts from their movie night, and she slowly opens the bedroom door, peaking out to see if Spencer was in view.

“Hello?” A friendly man spots her, standing as he makes his way to shake her hand. “I’m Derek.”

“Y/N,” she smiles.

“Pleasure to meet you,” he smiles back. “What’s going on here?” He gestures to her and then back to Spencer as he exits the kitchen and sees her.

“We watched star trek all night, if you don’t believe me I can make him recount it to you from memory?” Y/N replies, smirking like she knows him just as well as his friend.

“And how might you know Spencer?” Derek teases right back.

“He’s my best friend in the whole world,” she replies like it’s nothing, “and I live across the hall.”

Derek shoots a look at Spencer that’s almost proud, almost emotional, like a mom who heard she’s going to be a grandma, “Is that true?”

Spencer blushes, “she’s my best friend.”

“Tell me how this all happened!” Derek is more than excited, sitting down on the couch with a wide grin as he waits to hear more.

“Um, we met in the hall, we have the same interests and now we watch movies together and have sleepovers with candy and popcorn, like we’re 13-year-old girls? I’ve even braided his hair,” she avoids the real reason why they met. Unsure if Spencer has told anyone about his drug problem or not.

“And now I’m going to go finish sleeping in my own bed,” she makes awkward finger guns at the door accompanied by her most awkward smile and she’s off.

Spencer follows her out into the hall, closing the door and looking at her apologetically; “I’m sorry, I won’t tell him anything more about us if you don’t want me to?”

“Us?” She questions? “You tell me you love me a lot, but you’ve never told me who you want me to be to you… I want you to think about that and then come and see me later.”

“Can I have a kiss? It helps me think better,” he whispers as he leans in.

She rolls her eyes, playfully, leaning in as well until their lips meet. It’s soft and sweet and she wishes there could be more, but for now she has to go.

Once she’s inside, she leans against the door of her apartment and listens to see when he goes back inside. Only what she hears is even better, “Derek, I’m going to have to ask you to leave so I can go ask her to be my girlfriend.”

He shoos the man from his apartment, avoiding all his questions and convincing him to finally leave by saying, “you’ve been telling me for months that I need to get over it, and now you’re going to stand here and stop me from telling her I love her, again?”

“Again?”

“Derek!”

“Fine.”

And then he’s knocking on her door, “who is it?” She teases.

“Y/N, open the door, please?” He begs without a single regret behind his tone.

She opens it slowly, “yes?”

He tilts his head with a look that screams; ‘come on?’

But she looks back at him as if to say; ‘what about it?'

“Are you really going to make me say it?”

“The first step in getting help is admitting you have a problem.”

He laughs at the absurdity, “you’re kidding?”

“Spencer, even though you’re a pain in my ass; would you like to be my boyfriend? I’m asking because the words make it real, and I would like you to really know how I feel, thanks for coming,” she extends her arm into the apartment, gesturing for him to walk in and he does so with a laugh.

“I would love to be your boyfriend,” he responds once the door is closed. “I’m sorry I made you feel like I didn’t want this to be real?”

She can tell he’s not sure why he’s apologizing, “I need confirmation. I can’t sleep in your bed almost every night for a month, and just have to guess if I’m allowed to call you my boyfriend when my mom calls and asks why I won't text her back at night.”

“Oh,” he looks upset. “I thought that by telling you that I love you that it would work, but I understand. I really would like to be your boyfriend and be yours for however long you’ll have me.”

Her heart melts in her chest, he's so nervous and shy because he truly means it. His heart is in her hands now, “how long are you available?”

“Forever.”

“I have more questions,” she whispers as she moves closer, pressing their bodies together as she holds his sides and he holds her shoulders.

“Okay.”

“What did you mean out there, and also sorry for listening, but I’d like to know…”

“It’s okay,” his words are soft. “I’m um, a virgin?”

“Oh?” Her eyes shoot wide open, “I was expecting like an ex who broke your heart?”

“Oh no, I’ve never… I don’t... no,” he shakes his head profusely. “I’m not in a rush either, I just wanted him to leave me alone. That’s not what I’m in here for.”

She smiles, “I am too…” she whispers, “I’m really glad you are too, actually.”

“You’ve thought about it?”

“Think, big brain, go back to right before I closed my door that first night…” she teases him before making a fake VHS tape rewind sound that always makes him laugh.

“You wanted to leave the group because you can’t sleep with members while you’re healing,” he smirks at his recollection, “I mean, other than the general attraction, have you thought about the possibility of that happening for us one day?”

She nods again, “one day, I’m cool just making out with you for now, actually. But yes. I would like for you to be my first because I trust you the most out of every single person I’ve ever met.”

He looks like his heart is exploding as his grip on her shoulders tightens, “I would like for you to be mine too, eventually.”

“Eventually,” she repeats with a small smile, leaning in for another small kiss.

“Derek left without his breakfast, and he didn't even get a chance to touch it yet…” Spencer whispers against her lips.

She laughs through her nose, kissing him once more before pulling away, “come on, boyfriend.”

—

She’s been in Quantico for 5 months, 3 of which she’s now spent with Spencer.

She’s laying beside him as they watch star trek and her mind is off in space. She can’t focus on anything other than the thought of her rent coming due and how she’s probably going to have to decide if she wants to leave after her 6-month lease is up.

“Spence,” she whispers, “do you know any other cheap apartment buildings in the area?”

“Why?”

She turns to face him, the yellows, reds and blues flash across the screen and illuminate him lightly, “I don’t have enough money to keep living here, and I don’t want to move back in with my parents.”

“Would you like to move in with me?” He asks carefully, “don’t feel pressured to say yes, it’s just I’m never really here and I don’t want you to leave.”

She smiles at the offer, “If I move in I have to tell the disability people, and then my disability money will change because you make so much and they still believe that men own women when they get together, like some what's yours is mine, shit.”

“Really?”

She nods, “yeah. They'll want to know how much you make every month when I get my statement and then they decide what I deserve because if you’re making money, clearly I’m taken care of, right?”

He can hear her sarcasm and he knows it's just to mask the hurt, and she can tell by the way his whole face changes.

“Wrong,” Spencer is oddly defensive. “That is so wrong, there are so many women in this country trapped with terrible men who abuse them. They never see a single dime of the money that comes in, and if they have children they are lucky to receive money for groceries. I’ve seen all of it first hand, it’s horrific, and yet they still think they can take care of disabled women who are in more need of money than anyone else?”

“I love you.”

“What?” He stops, breathing, blinking, everything. He just stares at her as he comprehends it.

She hasn’t said it back yet.

“I love you.” She repeats it and smiles, tears welling in her eyes as she appreciates how much he really does care; how much he really gets it.

“Lie, tell them you’re back with your parents. It’s not like they check-up and then just stay here. Move your things in and make this your place too, do whatever you want to it, it deserves to be lived in.”

“You’re really serious?” She’s not sure why she’s so surprised, he’s been saying he loves her every single day for the last 2 months and 3 weeks.

She’s loved him the whole time, but she’s afraid of that at the same time because once she loves him out loud, then she loves him for real and that’s scary. He has a scary job and he’s never home and if she loves him then she has to deal with that and the fact he might not come home one day.

He nods gently, “I know you need a lot of space for your art supplies so move whatever you need to to make room. I think you’re magnificent, and I don’t think that you should feel held back, I'll do anything to help you with your little craft store.”

A tear slips past her eye and towards the pillow, she blinks as she smiles, unable to speak as she just appreciates his kindness, “I think when whatever is out there made your soul, they were like 'this one; he’s special, we’re only making one of him and he’s going to go through some shit, but it’s because someone else is too and they need each other.'”

Spencer’s smile grows, large and toothy as he moves in closer to hold her. Noses pressed together, they’re hugging basically now, arms wrapped around each other and legs tangled as they enjoy the moment. It’s so nice, there’s nothing left to say.

They’re content with each other.

—

She moves what she needs into Spencer’s apartment the next week, he’s out of town and it’s easier this way with him out of the way.

It’s easier to miss him in here though, everything smells like him and feels like him, and his personality is on every single wall. She wants him to come home so badly, living without him for random bouts of time was the worst part of their relationship.

The rest of her things are in boxes in her apartment, waiting by the door for when Spencer comes back. He offered to put everything in his old Volvo Amazon and meet her parents for the weekend and her mother was through the roof over it.

She has called 4 times in the last week to ask about all Spencer’s favourite meals, what he likes for breakfast most mornings and if he had any allergies. She’s cleaned the “guest” room, which was really just where she slept before, and she was very clear that he was allowed to sleep with her as long as no funny business happened.

That was the funny part.

They still weren’t doing it and she was fine with that, so was he. Neither of them was ready, emotionally nor physically. They’ve both been through some terrible things that make it very hard for them to want to share yet.

She loves him more this way, while the sex would probably be amazing and she knew they were both getting off anyway and they weren’t secretive about it, at all. They just didn’t do it together yet… and she was starting to want to.

The most they’ve done is the occasional mutual masturbation session and that was just when they were too lazy to do it when they were alone, earlier in the day, and just needed to in order to finally sleep. It was always quick, quicker than when she would do it alone because he was just so cute like that.

She found herself getting off to thoughts of him more than anything else the longer and longer they shared more and got to know each other.

Because while, yes, they live together and they’re dating; they’re still really just best friends and roommates. They don’t see each other as often as they want to, they have separate friend groups, she has meetings on the other side of town now and they’ve never even been on a date.

For how fast they looked to be moving to anyone who knew them, they were going extremely slow behind the scenes. The reality is, they were following the rules of addiction recovery more than the rules of society.

She wasn’t really ready to take on the emotional commitment of having sex with someone when she wasn’t really over her trauma. It went far deeper than just her addiction, there was more Spencer had no idea about and she wanted to make sure he knew everything before he met her parents.

So like always, they got into bed as soon as he returned and they had a cuddle conversation. It was soothing to not only feel the other person close, but they both stimmed by running their hands over something soft. He knew something was up as soon as he walked in the door and she asked for a cuddle before even saying hello.

He didn’t, however, expect the long-winded backstory of her childhood to be the issue. He was silent the whole time she explained, he cried with her as his cheek rested on her forehead and her tears fell onto his shirt below her face.

Learning his past was just as hard.

She cant imagine how no one could love him, no one took him in and offered him shelter and love and warmth. He deserved kindness and family. He was worth the world and then some to her, and it hurt so deeply to think of no one showing that to him. He’s spent the last 25 years just searching aimlessly for a single iota of respect.

No wonder he fell in love with her so easily.

—

The first time is terribly awkward but incredibly euphoric… and they cry after. Not from sadness or regret; no, they’re so in love and so happy with their choices, it’s more of an overwhelming overflowing of emotions that was bound to erupt along with them.

“This has to be the most vulnerable time in the entire world if you really think about it,” Spencer justifies why he’s crying as he starts to get anxious about being too much. “I mean we’ve already seen each other naked and know each other outside… we might as well share what's going on inside too.”

She nods against his sweaty chest, “I used to be really upset that my doctors put me on Dilaudid. I still hate that all this happened to us, but I’m really glad we don’t have to be alone anymore.”

“Me too,” he whispers.

It gets easier the more they do it. It’s still always hilariously awkward, they were so stupidly in love it translated into every moment; like when they attempted shower sex and knocked the curtain down and got water everywhere. Or the time they attempted a quickie in the bar bathroom and his boss walked in, and they had to try not to laugh or move or do anything as they made the most awkward, silent, eye contact ever, in the corner of the stall.

Being horny and awkward was the worst combination but they made it work pretty well.

He was tender and loving and he listened to instructions well. He was a quick learner, he was happy with whatever she wanted and he always, always, tried to finish last. (He wasn’t that lucky) but he was a truly nice guy.

She loved him more and more as the seconds passed. He was just so wonderful, he had his up and downs but they always had great communication, and he understood her unpredictability from her disabilities. The best part was that he loved her regardless of how she was when she woke up in the morning, and she always went to bed with either a kiss or a text proving he loved her.

Before they knew it, a year had passed and she was laying in his bed while he got ready for work. She loved watching his selection process, his colour coordinated closet and handy-dandy tie organization rack. He was so cute, and he always looked so amazing.

“I don’t want you to go in today,” she whispers with a pout.

He takes his phone off the dresser and calls in then, “yeah, Hotch I’m really not doing well. I don’t know what we ate last night but I— yeah thank you.”

He puts everything back in the closet and crawls right back into bed, he snuggled back in close and she smiled at her job well done. He didn’t need to be at work as often as he was, he had a lot of personal and sick days stored and they were always telling him to use them. He deserved a break for that beautiful brain of his, an 8-hour turnaround between psychopaths wasn’t good for anyone, especially not the 2nd most prized possession of the FBI.

“What do you do during the day when I’m not here?” He asked, genuinely not knowing how she occupied her time outside of his presence.

“I sleep until 11,” she whispers as she snuggles in closer.

He’s warm and cuddly and perfect. Naps in the morning are possibly the best periods of sleep someone can ever experience. It’s so relaxing to reward the body with more time, and it’s even better when it includes the perfect snuggle companion.

Taglist:

@g0lden-cth @doctorspenceryeet @samuel-de-champagne-problems @reiding-recs @ssavanessa22 @spookyspence @shemarmooresfedora @spencers-dria@reidsfish @manuosorioh @mochionly @jswessie187 @k-k0129 @calm-and-doctor

#spencer reid #spencer reid smut #spencer reid fanfiction #spencer reid fanfic #spencer reid imagine #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid x y/n #spencer reid x you #spencer reid self insert #spencer reid request #criminal minds smut #criminal minds imagine #aint it fun

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jaceyneedsabetterusername · 4 years

Text

Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing

Pairings: Arvin Russel x Fem!Christian!Reader

Summary: Arvin knew he shouldn’t have left you alone with that new preacher...

Warnings: Sexual assault, physical assault, cursing, Teagarden being a perv, really nothing out of the ordinary for this movie.

Word Count: 5250

_________________________

“Arvin! Stop!” You giggled, pushing your boyfriend off of you as he nibbled up and down your neck. There wasn’t anything sexual about it, he just loved to hear you laugh and he knew how much the action tickled your skin. “You’re so annoyin’!” You laughed, cheeks flushed red as you gently pressed on his head to try and move it.

He pressed himself up, looking down at you like you were the most beautiful thing he’d ever lay his eyes on. Arvin was straddling you, his knees trapping your hips beneath him. A hand was placed on either side of your head and he looked down at you, “But you’re so pretty when you laugh.”

“Oh? And I’m ugly all the rest of the time?” You asked jokingly, hands reaching up stroke up and down his arms.

Arvin leaned down, pressing a gentle kiss to your lips before pulling away ever so slightly, hovering just above your lips. Both of your guys’ eyes were still closed as if it were a romantic moment until he whispered, “Ugly as a mule.”

You both busted up laughing and you shoved him, his body rolling onto the blanket beside you, “I’m breaking up with you.” You teasingly told him.

“Ah, c’mon. You know you love me.” He looked over at you, loving how the autumn sun lit up your features.

“I tolerate you. Don’t get it mixed up.” You rolled your head over to see him already admiring you. Your smile got bigger when you locked eyes with him.

“Well I love you.” Arvin admitted sweetly, bringing a gentle hand to your cheek and kissing you one more time.

Arvin made you feel beautiful and special and safe, all those things that no boy had ever made you feel. He always had. Even when you were children back in middle school and neither of you really talked to each other, when you saw him around the halls, a peace just settled over you that made you feel like you were on top of the world. When the two of you began dating ten months ago, that never changed.

“I love you too.”

The two of you laid back against the yellow blanket with little orange flowers on it, the one that you’d taken from the linen closet back home. This was yours and Arvin’s favorite place, a little clearing in the woods. The grass was tall enough to be soft but not so tall that it hid critters. Flowers lined the edge of the woods in the spring. It wasn’t springtime now but that only meant that instead of a display of white and yellow flower buds, the pair of you had a beautiful show of brilliant reds and oranges from the falling leaves.

Everyone in town knew you were together. Word spread fast around Coal Creek and it was nearly impossible to hide anything. Your families were both supportive of the relationship. Emma loved that you were involved with the church and put effort into the community when you could, often participating in bake sales around town. She liked to tease that you won Arvin over with your “man catching apple cobbler” as she now called it, since he officially asked you to be his girlfriend over a slice of the delicious dessert after a Sunday service.

Your parents liked Arvin as well. Even after Fred Dinwoodie had told your dad about what Arvin had done to Gene, it surprisingly made him like Arvin more. “You got yourself a good man who knows right from wrong and ain’t afraid to stand up for the people he loves.” Was what he’d said, which had surprised you. You knew that Arvin had beaten all the boys right after he’d done it, since he came to you to help him calm down and ice his knuckles. You were terrified for your parents to find out, though, sure that they’d tell you to break up with him for fear of violent tendencies. Thankfully, that day never came.

It was nice out there, bundled up in a warm brown coat, laying on Arvin’s chest, and watching the leaves fly across the crisp sky in the breeze.

“We should probably get headin’ back.” You said reluctantly, pushing yourself up to sitting.

“Why’s that?” Arvin perched on his elbow to watch you tighten the jacket around your frame, a cool breeze hitting just right.

“The new preacher asked me to come by this afternoon. Said he needed help planning a fundraiser to raise money for the less fortunate families in town.” You traced a finger over his knuckles gingerly, small pink marks littering his knuckles from his attack on Dinwoodie and his boys still healing over.

“Ain’t you one o’ them less fortunate families in town?” He asked, trying to find a way to talk you out of this. Ever since Preston Teagarden had humiliated Emma on his first day, Arvin had it out for the man.

You scoffed with a chuckle, “Yeah, but you are too and your grandma is still always bringin’ stuff to church. Just cause I’m broke as shit doesn’t mean I can’t try to help other people who are broke as shit.”

Arvin stood up with you and helped you fold up the blanket, “I just don’t like that new preacher. Somethin’s off about ‘im.”

“I agree that he was totally out of line callin’ your grandma out like that two weeks ago but I’d like to think that maybe I can talk to him about it.” The two of you began to walk back to Arvin’s car, grass swishing under your steps.

Arvin’s face twisted, “I just don’t trust the man. He’s always up there on that damn stage actin’ all high ‘n mighty every Sunday like he ain’t done nothin’ wrong.” He reached forward and opened your door for you, closing it after you slid onto the seat. He walked around the car and got into the driver’s seat.

“He’s a sinner like the rest of us. It’s just about doing what you can to make yourself better.” You responded, looking over at Arvin sweetly. He gave you a skeptic look and sighed deeply as he turned his attention back to look towards the road. With one hand on the steering wheel, he slid his free hand over to hold yours gently. The rest of the drive was in comfortable silence, with the exception of the radio quietly playing in the background.

Arvin loved you. He really really loved you. You generally had your wits about you, a heck of a lot more than most of the girls in Coal Creek, not allowing your religion to totally cloud your vision. You were a good girl, good enough to make his grandma happy and not cause too much trouble around town, always helping those in need, but not so pious that you made everyone else around you feel like a sinner. You were still fun, you still made mistakes. Arvin felt like you were something between ethereal and real, somehow elevating him as a person but also showing him just how good life could be.

Nevertheless, he couldn’t help but feel like you were making a mistake with this preacher. Of course, with your caring nature, you would help him, especially knowing it was for the poor folks in town. But something about Teagarden just made Arvin’s skin crawl. He just couldn’t put his finger on it…

The tires rolled to a crunching halt on the gravel outside of the church. The graveyard to the side looked dark and gloomy as always, the cloud of loss looming over almost everyone in this town in one way or another. The church, though, stood small and humble in the field, white paint chipping after years of weathering.

“Thank you for the ride.” You leaned over and pecked Arvin on the cheek.

He let out a heavy sigh, “You really sure you don’t just want me to take you home?”

You rolled your eyes at him with a sweet smile on your face, “Yes, I’m sure. It’ll be fine, Arv, but thank you for the concern.” Opening the door, you climbed out, “I’ll see you tomorrow?”

“What? No. I’m givin’ you a ride home.” Arvin looked offended that you even suggested such blasphemy.

“I don’t want you to have to drive all the way back here for me and I don’t know how long this’ll take. Besides, I don’t live too far from here.” You shook your head, leaning against the open door.

Arvin raised his eyebrows, “What kind of man would I be if I let you walk home alone at night? I’m givin’ you a ride home ‘n that’s final. I have to run to the market anyways to get some stuff for my grandma so I’ll just do that ‘n come back here for ya.”

With loving warmth welling up in your chest, you leaned into the car, holding onto the roof for balance, while you kissed him on the lips, “I’ll see you in a few then.”

Pulling yourself back out of the car, you closed the door and waved before spinning to walk towards the church. Looking behind you, you gave Arvin one final wave before disappearing through the door.

The church was empty, though you expected nothing less on a Saturday afternoon. The pews were empty so you wandered into the building curiously. You closed the door behind you as you walked further in. “Hello? Reverend?”

Preston Teagarden approached from the door off to the side of the main stage, where his office had been located, “Y/N! Forgive me, I expected you to be a little bit later.”

You stopped in your tracks, “Oh, I’m sorry! You didn’t say an exact time. Just afternoon…” You chuckled awkwardly, suddenly feeling bad for arriving early.

“No, no, it’s no problem at all,” He waved his hand dismissively. Teagarden made his way down the aisle a few rows before stopping, “So from what I’ve heard, you are the one to talk to about fundraising”

Flattered, your cheeks turned a light shade of pink, “Oh, well I don’t know about that… I’ve done a few fundraisers but I wouldn’t say I’m the one to go to.”

“Nonsense, girl! I’m sure you’ll help plan something amazing. Now, why don’t you come over here and we can start talking about it.” He gestured towards the pew he was leaning on and waited for you to sit down before sliding in next to you.

Your legs crossed when you sat down, “So, I was thinking about this for a few days and the high school has a harvest festival every November. If we set up a bake sale, we could easily raise a few hundred dollars, at least. Everybody loves Mrs. Lyle’s lemon bars and I’m sure those alone could rake in a small fortune.” You giggled a little at your small joke and the preacher did as well.

As he did so, his arm slid behind your shoulder so smoothly, you almost didn’t notice at first. Almost. Though the action took you off guard, you chose to write it off. People had done this before to you platonically so this probably didn’t mean anything. Just a show of interest in what you had to say.

“Mmm, you’re makin’ me crave some sweets,” Teagarden chuckled, looking over his shoulder and then back around the room.

“Well I can guarantee that you won’t be disappointed. Coal Creek ain’t got much but if we got one thing, it’s some mighty good bakers.” You dug around in your bag that you’d brought, searching for the journal that you’d been planning this event out on, “I actually did some math and I was thinking… we could charge a dime per cookie or a dollar a dozen, yeah? And then maybe a quarter for a slice of pie and then a dollar twenty five for-”

The preacher stopped you, placing his hand on the notebook, “You really thought this out, huh? You sure are one smart girl there, Y/N. You go to the high school?”

The older man had scooched closer to you sometime during your ramblings and suddenly, you began to feel suffocated by his presence. His body was nearly flush against yours and his arm around your shoulders were trapping.

He’s a preacher, he wouldn’t do nothin’, you tried to convince yourself but Arvin’s voice came ringing in your ears: I just don’t like that new preacher. Somethin’s off about ‘im. Trying not to be obvious, just in case you were misreading things, you slid away from him just slightly to put some distance between your bodies. As you did so, however, Teagarden’s hand closed around your left shoulder, rubbing it firmly but gently.

Your eyes widened when you looked over at his grip and your heart began to pick up pace. “Yeah.” Your voice was shakier than you thought it would be.

“What are ya? Junior, senior? You look young… but definitely not a little girl.” His eyes raked tactically over your body. Your legs were shaped out well in your cuffed denim jeans and your white and pink striped boat neck long sleeve shirt was far from revealing but Preston was well aware of the way the stripes curved out of place over your breasts.

“Senior. I’ll be graduating this June.” Now your voice was solid and low, just teetering on threatening.

The preacher smiled, “Ah, ain’t that exciting. Such a smart pretty little thing going out into the real world. It’s good to see a nice Christian girl going out there but y’know, the real world is real bad. Believe you me. You gotta be real careful out there. Temptation and sin ‘round every corner. The devil hides himself, y’know? Wraps up all his evil and disguises it as everythin’ you ever wanted.”

“A wolf in sheep’s clothing.” You stated quietly but firmly, looking up to lock eyes with him. Arvin was right. Something was certainly off about this man and you were becoming more and more uncomfortable by the second.

Preston smiled proudly, “That’s right. Now, you gotta make sure you ain’t fallin’ into any o’ his traps.”

Your jaw clenched and your eyes darted around the room before landing in your lap, “I’d like to think I got a good ‘nough head on my shoulders to see Satan working in disguise.”

He tsked, “That’s a good start but you can’t go relyin’ on your own knowledge of the world. You need to let God tell you what’s right ‘n wrong. Trust in Him.” His hand on your shoulder shook you slightly for emphasis while his other pointed upwards towards Heaven.

There was a brief moment of silence in which you could have heard a pin drop before he spoke again, “How is your walk with God?”

You looked over at him with narrowed eyes, “It’s alright. Could be better but everyone’s could, I s’pose.”

“I agree,” Preston’s leg started bouncing and he looked towards the front of the church, where he typically stood preaching, “E’ryone could walk a little closer. Myself included.” He gestured to the front of the church, “Why don’t we pray? C’mon over here.”

He stood up and walked up to the head of the room, just below the cross. Cautiously, you followed him. “I like to think as a man of God, I can do some of His work. Or rather put the good word out there and try to save as many souls as possible. Why don’t you get on your knees? Lemme pray for ya.”

A shiver ran through your spine as you knelt down on shaky knees, eyes going up to the large black cross that hung on the wall. Please, Lord, get me out of this. You prayed silently.

Preston stood behind you, his hands coming to your shoulders as he began, “Lord, today we pray for Y/N and her excursions into the world as a young woman. Help her see through the devil’s delusions and guide her through this world. Lord, I pray that you see Y/N in everything that she is as she dedicates her whole self to you. Give her strength, amen.”

“Amen.” When your eyes slid open, your whole body was shaking.

“So you say you got some good judgement?” Preston asked as you stood up, “Say you walk in the light?”

“I try to but we all have our slip ups.” You answered humbly and honestly, avoiding his eye contact.

Preston hummed, “I seen you with that Russell boy. Y’all going steady?” Silently, you nodded in response. “There’s a lot of temptation in relationships like that.”

It was clear what he was insinuating and it actually made you mad. What right did he have to be poking around in your romantic and sexual life? “Has he ever touched you?”

The bluntness of his question hit you like a rock, “With all do respect, Reverend, that ain’t really none of your business.”

He put his hands up in surrender, “I don’t mean to pry. I’m just concerned ‘bout that boy dragging you down into temptation. Sullying your position with the good Lord, ‘n all.”

“Arvin is a perfectly respectful man. He ain’t draggin’ nothin’ or nobody down.” Your voice was getting more aggressive.

“So he hasn’t touched you? He hasn’t seen you…”

Your eyebrows furrowed, “Like I said, that ain’t none of your business. Thank you for your concern for my soul but what Arvin and I do is between us and the Lord. I don’t need no middle man reverend to redeem me.”

He shrugged, “But you know, one of the best ways to get right with the Lord is to surrender yourself. Fully.” He took a few steps towards you and your breathing hitched. There was a sexual tension in the air that made your skin crawl.

“I’ve already given my life to the Lord.”

You weren’t giving in quite as easily as Preston had expected. Those other girls, Lenora and Jeanette Reaster, had been easily manipulated into giving Preston what he wanted. Just tell them they were unclean and needed to get right with the Lord and right into his trap they fell but you… you were different. Smart in the worldy kind of way. You were the first girl to give him a hard time but Preston would be lying if he said he didn’t like the chase.

You were staring daggers at him, your jaw clenched, and your body standing tall and strong. It was almost as if you were trying to prove a point. You could have run, could have darted out screaming about what had happened, but you didn’t. There was no proof and Preston knew it. This was how he got away with it all. No proof, all words and small touches that were just innocent enough to be misread. It wasn’t until he got them in the backseat of his car or in the office in the back of the church that he actually touched them but by then, it was consensual. Sure, for Lenora and Jeanette there was the issue that they were minors but that was the fun of these little towns like Coal Creek, The girl always took the fall. It was always her fault. Preston could get off scotch free and he knew it. He loved it.

Almost like something out of a movie, he reached down and gently settled one hand on your hip and the other on your cheek, pressing his lips against yours without giving you a chance to object. You yelled indignantly against lips but when he pulled away, the hand on your cheek moved to cover your mouth. Preston leaned in close to your ear and whispered, “I am an extension of the Lord’s work. Surrender yourself to me fully to surrender yourself to Him.”

Arvin watched as you walked into the church with a distrusting pang in his gut. There was just something about that reverend that didn’t sit right. It killed him to watch you leave, knowing that you were alone in there with him.

But he also knew you were a big girl. The logical part of his brain kept screaming at him that he was being irrational. The reverend was probably an okay enough guy. He’d never be number one or even number twenty on Arvin’s list of favorite people but that didn’t necessarily mean that the preacher would kill your something. Besides, Arvin really did need to run to the market. Lenora had requested some pecans for a pie she wanted to bake and his grandma needed more milk. It would be a quick trip as town was just a short drive down the street.

Reluctantly, Arvin backed out the driveway and sped off down the street.

The entire time that Arvin was at the market, there was an unsettling tingle all around his body. It got harder to ignore as more time passed. The longer he left you with Teagarden, the worse he felt.

“Just these.” Arvin threw a bag of pecans and a gallon of milk on the counter and paid for it quickly, rushing back to his car. He wouldn’t be having these feelings for no reason. Best case scenario, you were absolutely fine and Arvin was just being paranoid. Worst case scenario… Arvin couldn’t think about it because every time he thought of one, another worse one popped into his brain.

It had only been about twenty minutes since Arvin left you alone with the preacher. Honestly, he wasn’t sure how long planning a fundraiser would take. Church activities had never been his thing but he supported you as long as it made you happy.

He sat in the car in the church parking lot, lighting up a cigarette to calm his nerves. Arvin’s leg bounced anxiously as he watched yet another late autumn storm roll in. The clouds cast a dark gloominess, turning the minimal light left from the mostly set sun a shade of grey.. There Arvin sat for another five minutes, awaiting your exit from the building but it never came.

Fuck it. Arvin twisted his hat on straight and threw the door open, nearly stomping out. He couldn’t put his finger on it but something was wrong. He could feel it.

Sure enough, when he threw the door open, he was horrified. Preston Teagarden had you locked in a tight embrace, his hands running over your breasts. The two of you were standing in the middle of the aisle, right in the center of church. You had a furious look on your face, “I swear to God you touch me like that again and I’ll cut your damn dick off!” You gripped desperately at his hand that was groping you, trying to pry it away but to no avail.

The sound of the door swinging open was enough to draw both yours and Teagarden’s attention. “Get your fuckin’ hands off her!” Arvin wasted no time running into the conflict. Teagarden dropped you and your knees buckled from the unexpected action, landing you on the ground.

He put his hands up in surrender, “Hey, now, let’s talk about this like real men.”

Arvin threw one solid swing to his chin, sending his head flying sideways, “You ain’t no real man. Real men don’t gotta go around gropin’ girls to get off, you sick fuck!” Another punch landed on his opposite cheek and it sent Teagarden to the ground.

You scurried away from him and stood up just ahead of Arvin. Preston cowered, hiding his face, “Please, please, have mercy.” His pleading eyes went from Arvin to you and he lingered on your gaze, knowing that he had a better chance with the mercy approach with you.

He found none. Even with his blood smeared face, his teeth stained crimson, and the way his body shook, you just scowled down at him, “I’m gonna tell e’ryone in this town what a disgustin’ man you are. You think you can get away with this, you’re dead wrong.” You sent a swift kick straight to his stomach, making him curl into the fetal position with a loud groan of pain.

But then he laughed. He actually laughed.

“What’s so damn funny?” You and Arvin both spat in unison, blood boiling.

Preston laid his head back and closed his eyes, an almost serene look of confidence contrasting the blood that covered him and the swelling of his lip, “Ain’t nothin’ gonna happen to me. You came to visit the church after hours under the guise of helping me with a fundraiser. But then you used your womanly charms to try and seduce me, a married man of God.”

“That ain’t what happened!” Arvin yelled angrily, fists clenched by his side.

When the words left the preacher’s mouth though, your heart dropped. You knew the truth, Arvin knew the truth, the reverend knew the truth. But none of that mattered if the Reverend told everyone his concocted story because he was a man of God. Why would he lie?

A sadistic smile spread across his face, “It is if I say it is. Ain’t nobody gonna believe two teenagers over a preacher.”

“He’s right.” Your voice faltered as you spoke, nearly coming out as a shattered whisper. When Arvin looked over at you, your face had paled and you looked utterly broken.

It wasn’t so much that the assault itself was enough to break you, though, of course, it had definitely left you with the lingering ghosts of his filthy hands on your body. It was the fact that you knew he’d get away with it, that no matter what you or Arvin said, the town would believe Teagarden.

Arvin swallowed hard, trying to see through the blinding rage. As a boy, he never truly understood the bias that women faced when they were victims of sexual assault- how it was perceived as their faults in towns like this. It had never happened to anyone he knew so he never had much reason to think about it. Now, you were forced to live with knowing that you assailant was going to keep his position as a fucking preacher in town and that you couldn’t do anything about it.

Arvin wouldn’t let it stand.

He stomped forward yet again and knelt over Teagarden, sending blow after blow into his face. Bone crunched bone with a disgusting crack with every hit and you flinched every time.

Your eyes were wide with terror. Arvin’s violent past with Gene Dinwoodie and his boys was not unknown to you. You were the first person he’d gone to after the attack, in fact, and you’d actually supported him for the most part, only wishing that maybe he didn’t send them all to the hospital and only roughed them up a bit. Actually watching him beat someone to the brink of death though was something else entirely.

“Stop!” The word left your mouth before you even knew you’d thought it.

Arvin stopped and looked over his shoulder at you in surprise. He was doing this for you after all.

“Don’t kill ‘im. Please.” You begged, your voice heavy.

“What?” Arvin wasn’t actually sure what he’d intended on doing to the preacher. Sure, he wanted to kill him. That horrified, angry look in your eye as he touched you made a fire burn in him so bright, he didn’t know if it could be put out. But Arvin had never wanted to be a killer. He only wanted to prove a point and make sure that the message stuck. Now that he thought about it, though, he would have to finish the job or the preacher would tell him he’d attacked him.

Your eyes were almost brimming with tears, though none fell. This whole evening had been too much. First the assault and now watching the love of your life throw his good conscience away for you. You wanted the preacher to pay as much as he did but this just didn’t feel right.

“P-please… I don’t want you takin’ the fall for none o’ this. He don’t deserve to die but I think a good beatin’ will give him some time to reevaluate ‘imself.” You’d walked towards Arvin and placed a warm hand on his shoulder.

Arvin couldn’t fathom why you’d be protecting this monster. The question was clear all over his face. Why?

“I’m not asking you to stop for him. I’m asking you to stop for you. I don’t want you to have blood on your hands for me. Not for this.” His heart broke seeing you look the way you did, your eyes shining with tears, and your hand a little shaky. The last thing he wanted was to hurt you more.

Arvin grabbed the preacher off the ground by the collar and pulled him up almost a foot, leaning down to get in his disfigured face, “If I ever hear that you went near Y/N or any other girl again, I will find you and kill you. If you so much as look at her again, I will kill you. And if you tell anyone what happened here tonight, I will fucking kill you. You understand? Consider it that mercy you kept beggin’ for.”

He dropped the preacher gracelessly with a thud and wrapped an arm comfortingly around you. For a moment, he was scared that you’d flinch away. You’d never seen him when he let his anger get the best of him and he preferred to keep it that way. He didn’t want you to think that he was a violent man because he really wasn’t. Arvin just cared for a special few so much that he’d do anything for them. He’d never hurt someone he loved though and needed you to know that.

Thankfully, you leaned into his touch, resting your head on his shoulder as he walked you back to his car, leaving the preacher an unconscious mess in the middle of the church. When you exited the building, night had fallen upon Coal Creek, casting a fitting darkness over the town.

“Thank you.” You said simply and quietly, looking over at Arvin sincerely on the drive home.

“For what?”

“For everything. Just bein’ who you are.” You paused with a heavy sigh, “But promise me something?”

Arvin looked over at you, taking his eyes off the road for just a second to show you he was listening.

“Promise me you won’t go gettin’ yourself in trouble for me.”

He shook his head, “He deserved-”

“I know what he deserved,” You interrupted, “And I am so grateful that you stepped in to help. But I don’t want you gettin’ yourself thrown in jail or killed for me.”

There was short silence before Arvin looked over with the most sincere look you think he’d ever given you, “I can’t promise that. ‘M sorry, Y/N, but if I ever see you in danger, I’m gonna do what I need to do.”

It wasn’t the response you’d been hoping for but this boy had the ability to make you feel more loved than anyone else you knew. You only wished he understood that you only wanted what was best for him, just like he did for you. “I love you, Arvin.” You admitted, sliding across the seat to lay your head against his shoulder while he drove.

“I love you too.”

#arvin #Arvin Russell #arvin rus #arvin russel imagines #arvin russel x reader #arvin russel x you #arvin russel x y/n #arvin russel imagine #tom holland #tom holland one shot #tom holland imagine #tom holland x reader #tdatt #tdatt fics #tdatt imagine

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maddiwrites · 3 years

Text

Secret Lives

Pairing: JJ Maybank x reader

Summary: You and JJ never got along so your friends trap the two of you on a boat in the middle of the marsh to work it out. Only it doesn’t go as planned.

Note: Hi guys! This is my first writing piece. I tried not to do a two parter for my first one but it ended up being so long. Sorry! I would love to hear your feedback so feel free to leave me a message! Part two will be posted soon. Also I have completed a rewrite of the show with a JJ x Routledge sister pairing so keep an eye out for that! Also wanna shout out @skiesofthesketchy @malfoyfarms @collecting-stories because they were some of the first masterlists I read and I loved them and it inspired me to write my own. So thank you!

Word Count: 5.3k

Warnings: Language, angst, very slight mentions of abuse

Part 2

Y/N Y/L/N. That’s you. Or as some like to call you, Hannah Montana. You live the best of both worlds, living it up on Figure Eight and wearing hundred dollar dresses to fancy dinners and parties, sneaking expensive mimosas to brunches with your friends, and getting biweekly mani pedi’s with your sister. Meanwhile, when you’re not rolling around in the luxuries of Kook Life, you’re rolling around in the dirt with your Pogue friends, baking in the sun on a dirty small boat while drinking the cheapest beer one of the boys’ could get their hands on. Most Kooks hated you even when they wanted to be you. And most Pogues didn’t trust you even as they tried getting in your pants.

One of them being JJ Maybank.

Kiara introduced you to her group of friends right after freshman year. The two of you were the black sheep of Kook Academy. Both your families have money, sure. But you weren’t jerks about it. You enjoy a little pampering here and there, but you’re not tone deaf and superficial like the rest of your peers. You were so grateful that your science teacher paired you two together for that year’s science fair. You instantly clicked with the curly brunette and spent most of the class talking about whatever came to mind instead of actually brainstorming project ideas. After working together for months on a science fair project with a shared passion of wanting to help save the environment, Kie finally introduced you to her best friends.

John B and Pope immediately made you feel like one of the group. Sure, they were curious about your life but you never felt like you were being interrogated with questions. They included you on inside jokes and even gave you the nickname ‘Sassy’ after proving to them that you can hold your own in a verbal fight.

Thanks to JJ.

From the start he claimed to never like you. He hated where you were from, who your parents were, and that you never had a job. He hated that you didn’t even have to try to get people to like you. In his eyes, everything was handed to you on silver platter. You had a picture perfect life and all you had to do was bat your eyelashes and show off your pearly white teeth. He couldn’t stand you.

Yet, he was dangerously attracted to you.

He loved the way your hair shined against the setting sun, he loved that you didn’t wear makeup every single day like every other Kook on the island, he loved how your white jean shorts perfectly shaped your curves, and he loved how your temper was as equally as short as his because it made you fighting with him that much hotter.

Last night was no different than every other night with you and your friends. It was quiet, spent around a bonfire in John B’s back yard. You sipped on cheap beer from the can while the smell of JJ’s marijuana smoke wafted through the air. Kie lightly strummed the strings of her ukulele while Pope and JJ bickered about the pros and cons of smoking weed.

This was your family. You had friends on the other side of the island too but you weren’t as close as you were with the Pogues. You would do anything for the people surrounding you. Even JJ. You tried to tell yourself you hated him just as much as he hated you, but you couldn’t help but feel like every other girl on this island, falling for his ocean blue eyes and golden locks. His wit and his charm. His loyalty and protectiveness of his friends. How he looked with his shirt off. How he would wink at you when he caught you staring. You wished you didn’t, but you loved him.

“Hellooo, Y/N?” John B waved his hand in front of your face. You hadn’t even realized you’d been staring.

“I’m sorry. What were you saying?”

John B smirked but didn’t say what he was thinking. He always thought you and JJ were acting dumb when it was clear as day that the two of you were attracted to each other. He always caught you two staring at one another when the other wasn’t looking. You two would always ask about the other person when they weren’t there even if it was just to throw a sharp jab behind their back.

“I asked you what you were up to this weekend.”

“Oh,” You shrugged. “Probably run some errands, babysit my neighbor’s kids...”

Just like Hannah Montana, you also lived a secret life. Your life wasn’t as perfect as everyone thought it was, but you’d never admit to it. Your mother would be crushed, your friends would find you stupid and pathetic, and you would hate yourself even more than you already did.

“Good. Sunday we’re going to check out the surfing competition on Seasill Beach. JJ’s trying to qualify for it next year.”

Your smile immediately dropped. “Sunday. Oh.”

“Already got a spa day planned, Princess?” JJ smirked from across the way.

“I, uh,” You tried your best to fake a grin. “I’m sorry. I can’t go. I already have plans.”

You held you breath as you waited for someone to respond. This was the third time this month you flaked on your friends without a good explanation. You never knew what to tell them, only that you had plans. You were afraid if you said anything else, they’d find out you were lying.

“Again?” Kie stopped playing her ukulele to look at you. “Seriously. Is there some secret boy we should know about or something?”

You scoffed. “No.”

You felt the most guilty lying to Kie. After all she was your best friend. The one you were supposed to be able to share everything with, even the stuff you couldn’t tell your parents.

“Kie’s right. You bailed on us last week last minute too,” Pope said.

You opened your mouth to say something, but your head wasn’t working fast enough to come up with a lie.

“We all knew this day would come.” JJ’s smirk was gone. He flicked the butt of his joint into the fire and claps off the ash from his hands. “Hannah Montana dips her toes into the wild life. She feels free and independent long enough to decide she’d rather go back to her cookie cutter life and live with all the privilege that daddy has to offer.”

The word ‘daddy’ physically made you flinch. Your eyes narrowed in a tight glare as you dug your fingernails into the palm of your hand, hating that this was the way JJ thought of you.

“J...” John B tried to warn him but JJ didn’t listen.

“No, seriously.” JJ stood up. “I bet the reason she’s not telling us what all her ‘plans’ are is because she knows you’ll all be disappointed. Me? Well, I couldn’t care less whether you hung out with us or not. In fact, I’ve been praying for it. So tell us, Y/N, what are you doing that you won’t tell us? If it’s not some dude, then maybe you decided you’d rather be a Kook. Are you going to fancy lunches and riding yachts across the ocean? Maybe you’re spitting in the faces of the people who work to make your life easier. Maybe -”

“JJ!” Kie yelled.

You stood up, your vision turning red and your skin going hot. Usually you could take JJ’s insults. You were use to JJ throwing your family’s money in your face, trying to make you feel bad for something you can’t control, but this was too much. Because now he was calling you out on your loyalty to your friends. And he was so far from the truth.

“You would like that, wouldn’t you?” You said. The other three stood up when you took a step in JJ’s direction. John B stood close to you. He didn’t know what you were going to do, but he’s never heard your voice so low and threatening in a long time. The other time was with a Kook who was giving JJ shit. Ironically. “For me to just leave.”

“I didn’t stutter, did I?”

“Well I hate to break it to you, but I’m not going anywhere. In fact, because I’m such a nice friends, I’m going to give you some free advice. First, the last thing you want to question me about is my loyalty to the people who’s lives I would put before my own. Second, I would suggest removing that stick up your ass because it seems like your way too uptight to handle it.”

JJ glared at you and didn’t move to respond. A part of you was surprised he didn’t have anything to come back with and the other part of you was relieved.

The thick tension between you and your friends was suffocating. Your night had been effectively ruined by a simple question. But the sad part is, you didn’t even know who to blame. JJ, or the other man causing most of your guilt and grief.

“Y/N/N...” Kie tried stopping you as you gathered your stuff to leave.

“I’m out of here.”

You stormed out of the backyard and into your car. There was only so much you could take until you broke. And you were not going to give JJ Maybank the satisfaction of seeing you break.

***********************

You couldn’t fall asleep last night. JJ’s words kept replaying in your head like a bad song stuck on replay. You wanted to hate him. You wanted to blame him for not trusting you. But instead, you hated yourself. Because you’re the reason he can’t trust you. Cause you have secrets you don’t want shared.

Your thumb hovered over his contact. Not JJ’s. The man who’s made your life a living hell for the last sixteen years. You wanted to scream and cry and slap him in his face. But instead, you stayed frozen in fear. Like the little pathetic girl he says you are. And you hated yourself more for proving him right.

Your attention was taken away when someone busted through your bedroom door out of breath. Kie immediately went to your drawers and pulled out the first bathing suit she could find and threw it at you.

“Kie -”

“We need to go,” She said. “Get dressed.”

“Why? What’s going on?”

“Pope and John B ran out of gas doing grocery runs for Heyward. We need to get them with the HMS Pogue.”

“Where’s JJ? Why can’t he help you?”

“He’s working,” Kie said quickly. “Come on.”

***********************

You and Kie found Heyward’s boat stranded in the middle of the marsh like Kie said it would be. John B and Pope were waiting for you on the back and thanking you both for coming to help. You hold the gas as they helped you onto the boat. They directed you to the tank while they helped Kie.

As soon as you made your way to the front of the boat, you heard the engine of the Pogue rev and take off. You dropped the gasoline gallon and sprinted to the back of the boat where they left you. John B and Pope waved back to you as Kie drove them back to the Chataeu.

“What the hell?” You yelled at them to come back.

“You and JJ need to work your shit out!” John B yelled back to you.

“What...” You mumbled to yourself before you heard the sound of heavy footsteps running towards you. You gasp in surprise when a sweaty JJ passed you to glare at the boat that’s getting smaller and smaller by the second.

“What the fuck?” He screamed.

“There’s food and blankets in the cabin!” Pope yelled back.

“We’ll come get you in the morning,” Kie said.

You clenched your teeth together with frustration. JJ looked just as pissed off and small part of you was disappointed with that. He turned around, cursing to himself and hitting random shit in his way.

This was going to be a long day.

***********************

After four hours, you and JJ still hadn’t spoken to each other. He took over the cabin while you laid out on the back of the boat. Your head was running with different thoughts. Should you try to make up with JJ? Should you just continue to ignore him? Should you tell him why you can’t go to the surfing competition tomorrow?

You didn’t know what to do but you knew you couldn’t sit here in silence anymore.

You reluctantly stood in front of him with crossed arms. He was smoking a blunt and looking out into the setting sun. If you were friends, you would take a picture of him right now. The pink sky painted his skin perfectly.

“What?” He said without looking at you.

“Seriously?” You raised one brow. “We’re asked to do one thing on this boat and that’s all you have to say?”

“I’m not sorry for what I said last night.”

“Neither am I.”

“Fine.”

You rolled your eyes. The problem with both of you was that you’re both stubborn. But if the problem with JJ couldn’t be fixed today, you didn’t know how much longer you would be able to put up with his rude remarks and assumptions about you.

“What the hell is your problem?” You said.

“My problem?”

“Yeah. Your problem. You’ve been treating me like shit ever since Kie introduced me to you. What could I have possibly done to make you hate me so goddamn much?”

JJ shook his head in annoyance. “I’m not doing this.”

He got up and walked to the back of the boat where you were sulking not even five minutes ago. You followed him like the stubborn person you were and you continued to grill him.

“I’ve tried so hard to be your friend. I’ve bought you drugs, I’ve even done yours and JB’s laundry. I put in a good word to the tourons who ask about you at boneyard parties. I laugh at your jokes, even when they’re about my friends. I try so hard to be on your good side and you still want nothing to do with me!”

“Because you’re a Kook!”

“So?”

“You have everything. Money, family, friends, a future. I don’t trust you because I don’t know what the hell you want with us. What do we possibly have that you can’t get on Figure Eight? Hm? Are you trying to prove a point to your mom that you don’t need her? You trying to prove to your dad that you’re a tough girl and don’t need his money or protection to keep you safe? Huh?”

“You know what your problem is? You don’t listen! I’ve told you time and time again that I don’t care about any of those things. I hang out with you guys because you are my friends. I have a good time when I’m with you. Why is that so hard for you to get?”

JJ scoffed. “Please. You don’t think I see you constantly checking your cell phone? Making sure no one can see who you’re texting? If we’re such good friends, why won’t you tell us what you’re doing tomorrow? You always have ‘other plans’ and then you never tell us what they are.”

“Because that’s none of your business!”

“If my friends are going to get hurt because of some lying bitch then it is my business!”

You were breathing so heavily, you were basically panting. Your blood felt like it was boiling under your skin and your head felt fuzzy with lack of thoughts. You didn’t know what to say, truly lost for words.

JJ took another step closer to you. You’re so close to him, you can feel his breath on your face and see every mark on his skin. You never knew he had a scar right above his brow or a freckle under his ear. He smelled like weed and sun sunscreen and his breath like mint. Had you not been fired up with rage, you would have thought he looked hot and maybe even made a move.

But now it was the last thing you wanted to do.

“I’m sick and tired of you spoiled brats getting everything you want. You’re nothing but a spoiled rich kid who doesn’t even know the kind of privilege she has if it hit her in the face. You can’t relate to anything we have to go through. You don’t have to get dirt underneath your fingernails to make a buck. You don’t have to wonder where your next meal is coming from. You wouldn’t last a week on the Cut because you’ve never known what it’s been like to live the life we do!”

“You don’t know anything about me!” You snapped. The heart in your chest felt like it was being shredded to pieces by a rapid wolf. You felt like you were being torn apart one by one with each insult he threw in your face. Little did he know, he was wrong.

“I know enough to never want to see you again. I will never accept you into our group of friends. Don’t you get that? So you can stop playing the nice girl act around me and go back to Sarah Cameron and the other Kooks that you still hang out with despite knowing everything they’ve done to us. To Kie!”

Bringing up the fight between Kie and Sarah was a low blow and JJ knew it. It was something you always struggled with because you continued to be friends with both of them separately. At first, they were both mad at you but then accepted your friendship when they came around to loving the idea that you would fight for both of them. You tried getting them to talk and make up, but both of them refused. Maybe you should just stick them on a boat in the middle of nowhere and force them to work it out.

Although, clearly your experience with it wasn’t going so well.

“That’s not fair.”

“Yeah, well life’s not fair sweet heart. But you wouldn’t know about that.”

You thought the fight last night was bad. But this one took the icing off the cake. You wished so desperately that Kie had just trapped you both in a locked room, so at least you had the chance to break out and run away from the darkness that was clouding around you.

You were most upset that this was how JJ thought of you. You didn’t know if you would have the same devastating reaction if someone else had said these things to you. You wanted so badly to be friends with the blonde Pogue. You saw the way he interacted with his friends and you wanted to be a part of that small circle so badly, you would almost do anything to be in it.

But you didn’t think you could last another second of being belittled and tormented with JJ’s outspoken feelings towards you. You wished there was a rewind button so you could go back to bed and hopefully never wake up and you’d lock your door so Kie couldn’t break in.

You swallowed back the tears that threatened to fall and admit your defeat. You wanted to find the nearest corner and crawl into it and escape the murderous glare of JJ Maybank. JJ was wrong. You didn’t have everything. Because in this moment, you still wanted him. And you were just realizing that you never will.

“You judge me by the surface. You’ve never once tried to get to know me. You don’t ask. You just assume that I’m like every other kid on Figure Eight. You don’t know where I’ve came from. What I’ve been through. What I live with. You don’t know my plans for the future or my hobbies or even my favorite color because you didn’t ask!” Adrenaline pushes through your veins like a wave of energy. You’ve never felt so powerful but so small in your life.

“All right. So tell me,” JJ said. “Tell me whatever story you can think of that will change my mind about you.”

You paused, standing there face to face with someone who will never accept you. You were suddenly overcome with so many emotions you didn’t know which one to choose from. Anger, sorrow, fear, confusion, shame.

You couldn’t believe you even thought about telling JJ your story. A story that you haven’t even told Kie. The story about how you were actually born and raised on the far end of the south side. How your dad use to abuse your mother right in front of you before she managed to escape when you were eight. For six months you lived in her car before she got a job as a housekeeper at a cheap motel used mostly for hookers and their cliental. Her employer let you live rent free if your mom accepted a cheaper pay check. During one of her shifts, your mother ran right into Andrew Y/L/N. No, he wasn’t one of the hooker’s clients. He was actually on the property looking to buy out the place. Even though he was a Kook, he looked through the housekeeper’s uniform into my mom’s heart and loved everything about her. He took her on a couple dates, then less than a year later, married her. You changed your last name to his because you didn’t want any relation to your father anymore. You thought the man was scum and deserved to rot in hell for everything he put your mom through. You hated him and even wished for him to die. Sometimes you even thought about doing it yourself. But then you saw him again. At a gas station in the middle of The Cut. You couldn’t believe he recognized you and you were even more shocked he had the audacity to talk to you. And you listened. He told you how sorry he was. How he never meant to hurt your mom. How he missed his baby girl and wanted to be in her life again. You fell for every word because a part of you you didn’t know existed missed having a biological dad.

That was your biggest mistake.

He didn’t change. He was still the same bastard he was eight years ago, using violence and threats with people much weaker than him to get what he wanted. He loved guilting you with your new luxuries. How you now had everything right under your fingertips after you left him to wither away with nothing. He said you owed him. Because you were his daughter and you were supposed to love him unconditionally. And you fell for it every time. He never hurt you like he hurt your mom. A few slaps here and there but nothing to leave a mark to get your mother questioning.

So now you were trapped - trapped in his world and in his life. Using your own money that you actually worked for, little did JJ know, to pay for his bills, his drugs, and sometimes, even his bail.

You didn’t tell anyone about this secret life because you didn’t want anyone to make you feel any more pathetic and weak than you already felt. And most importantly, you didn’t want to hurt your mother by telling her you’ve been supporting the one person she’s been trying to protect you from.

And you were about to risk that by telling someone who probably still wouldn’t care about you even after hearing what you had to say. You are who you are. If JJ didn’t like you now, he shouldn’t like you after telling him your story, anyway.

“No.” You shook your head.

“No?” JJ scoffed. “I’m finally asking you tell me something and you’re saying no?”

“Because you don’t care, JJ! Not really. You think knowing my sob story is going to get you to like me? I don’t need a pity friendship. I am who I am because of shit I’ve had to overcome. And this is me now. So if you don’t like it, then fine. We’ll do it your way and call it quits.” JJ didn’t say anything as you turned around to find somewhere to pass out in hopes of getting morning to come faster.

You found a blanket deep into the cabin and pulled it over your body, shielding yourself away from the world. You hoped the darkness would sweep through your head so you wouldn’t be plagued with torturous thoughts about your past or what’s going to happen to tomorrow. You cried - you cried because even after JJ ripped into your like a zoo animal, he still hated you.

JJ was wrong. You didn’t have everything. Because you didn’t have him.

***********************

Surprisingly, the sun rose sooner than you expected it to. Sleeping on the swaying boat wasn’t as awful as you thought it was going to be. In fact, it was kind of peaceful with the stars above you and the sound of moving water right under you.

The morning wasn’t so calming. You were slapped in the face with memories of the night before. Your stomach twisted at the thought of being face to face with JJ again. You knew what you had to do and thinking about it made you sick and depressed.

You pushed yourself up and checked the time on the radio. 8:03. Anxiety instantly flooded through you. You only had two hours to get home to be ready in time to run ‘errands’ with your dad.

You looked out to the back of the boat where JJ was looking into the horizon, probably waiting for your friends to come.

Fresh set of tears pricked your eyes at what’s to come. You loved your friends and you even loved JJ. But you couldn’t stay with the Pogues. You didn’t want to make JJ any more uncomfortable than he already was and you were afraid the constant fighting would push your friends further apart. You didn’t want to be the reason for that.

You pulled the blanket tighter around your shoulders and walked next to JJ. Without a word, you looked out in the same direction he was looking and admired the morning sun.

Surprisingly, JJ was the first one to speak. He looked at you and instantly felt guilty all over again. He tossed and turned all night contemplating on whether he should wake you up to apologize or just wait until morning. He knew he wasn’t being fair. You’ve done nothing but tried to earn his trust since day one. You accepted him for all his flaws and he couldn’t do the same for you. Yeah there was the phone thing and not telling the others what you’re up to, but it wasn’t like you were constantly in his business. If you see him with unexplained bruises, you don’t pester him about it. If he comes back to the Chateau in a pissy mood and blames it on a fight with his dad, you try to make him forget about it with a distraction instead of making him tell you what the fight was about. Why couldn’t he give you the same respect?

Truth was he wasn’t so much worried about his friends getting hurt as he was getting hurt. He liked you more than a friend should which would make your departure from your friends that much more heartbreaking for him. He never felt this way over a girl, let a lone a Kook and he tried so desperately to hate you. But it didn’t work. Instead, it made him feel like the biggest asshole in the world. He wanted to fix what he broke. He told himself he still had time left. His friends weren’t back yet to get him.

“Listen, Y/N -”

“It’s fine, J,” You sniffled. This time you couldn’t stop the tears from running down your cheeks. You tried blinking them away which only made them fall faster. You hated crying in front of people. Your dad always said it was a sign of weakness and you believed him. You wouldn’t be surprised if JJ laughed in your face right now and called you a loser. “It’s done.”

“What are you talking about?”

JJ’s heart physically broke when he saw your tears. He had never seen you cry. Not even out of joy. He couldn’t believe he was the cause of this. That he had made someone as beautiful and as kind as you actually feel bad about herself. He wished he could take back time and start over. He wished he gave her a chance from the beginning. He wished it wasn’t too late.

You both looked up when you heard the engine of the HMS Pogue. In the distance, you could hear your friends laughing and calling out to you, not yet realizing their plan went to shit. You had to make this quick.

“The last thing I want is to get between you and your friends. You don’t have to worry about me hurting anyone, especially Kie. I’ll back off.” You said, making JJ’s brows furrowed in confusion and his heart raced with worry. “I’m giving you what you want. I’ll stay out of your life.”

JJ couldn’t believe it. He couldn’t believe he drove you to do the one thing he actually never wanted you to do. “Wait. You’re leaving?”

You looked JJ in the eyes and he wished you didn’t. Because for the first time, he didn’t see the light behind your eyes or the little crinkle in the corner when you smiled. They were dull and lifeless, making him sick to his stomach.

“I didn’t stutter. Did I?” You used his words from the other night and it felt like a stab in the heart to JJ.

JJ was left speechless which almost never happens. He wished he could say something, anything, to make you feel differently, to tell you he was wrong and sorry. But nothing came out. He could barely breathe.

“Hey you crazy kids,” Kie’s voice pierces the air, jokingly and airy. If only she knew that wasn’t how you were feeling.

“Missing a key or something?” John B joked alongside her.

“You should have called us sooner!” Pope added.

When the boat came closer to yours, they finally got a look at the two of you. They were shocked to see you silently crying and looking like all the life had been sucked out of you. JJ looked mad but they couldn’t tell whether he was mad at you or them or himself.

The three of them went sick with anxiety, suddenly wondering if this was a bad idea. Kie tried to get you make eye contact, but you wouldn’t look at her. You couldn’t look at any of them - afraid you might actually break completely if you did.

“Y/N/N...” Kie said softly.

“You guys okay?” John B asked wearily.

JJ helped Pope tie The Pogue to Heyward’s boat and hopped on right after. Pope traded spots with JJ and came up beside you and stood there awkwardly. He didn’t know what to do either.

You looked up at him before he could come up something probably stupid to ask. “Can you drop me off please?”

Pope glanced back at his friends and nodded. “Uh, sure. John B will probably get you there faster though if you -”

“No, it’s okay,” You said. You didn’t think you’d be able to handle being in an enclosed space with JJ for another minute. You just wanted to go home and forget the past two years ever happened. “I’ll stay here.”

Pope shrugged at his friends when you trudged back into the cabin and curled yourself into the corner. You didn’t know what the next few weeks would be like, but you hoped they go better than the last twenty four hours did.

#jj maybank fic #jj x reader #jj fic #jj maybank #jj #jj maybank imagine #jj maybank one shot #jj maybank fanfiction #jj maybank x reader #jj maybank x kook!reader #outer banks #outer banks fic #outer banks imagine #john b routledge #kiara carrera #pope heyward

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yesokaythatsfine69 · 3 years

Text

The Beach (Levi Ackerman x reader)

Description: During the beach scene in attack on titan. I changed this scene a bit because I felt it could be more light hearted and more fun after the cut. So be aware that it may not be that exact scene (in terms of what gets said) but roughly the same idea.

Characters: Y/n, Levi, Hange, Eren, Mikasa, Armin, Jean, Sasha, Connie

Pov: third person

Warnings: none, this is pure fluff and just chill vibes.

A/n: HAPPY BIRTHDAY LEVI ACKERMAN! Hello! As of right now I'll be focusing the next several pieces on AOT. This is the third and the final piece I'll be writing about Levi. Feel free to request any Levi Ackerman writings at any time though. Have a good read!

Word Count:

Song suggestion: This has nothing to do with this piece but I've been jamming to Judas by Lady Gaga so if ur not a nerd listen to it.

*none of the Gifs used are mine, full credit goes to the maker

The dust that Scout's horses picked up enclosed around them, swallowing them up in a thick cloud of brown. The air was similarly thick around them.

Her hands were shaking, clutching the reigns of her horse, pulling them close to her chest. Y/n wasn't scared though. The things she'd experienced in the almost four years since she'd joined the scouts had changed what the concept of fear was for her. She felt tense- anxiety ridden. She felt like something was about to happen, and the way Eren spoke- it definitely was.

They passed a wall, and Eren's voice cut through the long silence. "I'm sure of it. This is the place where they turned the Eldians titan, which means just up there."

He beckoned them on, rushing his horse forward. Armin swallowed harshly, his eyes meeting y/n's for a beat. They shared a look, that displayed their mutual concerns before it broke.

Y/n had kept close to Armin, whose presence often calmed her. It was strange, but Armin never hid his emotions or disguised his fear (something her friends did so often.) And there was comfort in that. It made her feel less vulnerable.

Levi often teased her for that- but she knew he respected their friendship. Y/n looked to where he rode ahead of her. His hands were steady, expression focused. It unnerved her how he could be so calm.

She blinked away her focus, returning her gaze back to looking straight ahead. Eren led the group to what appeared to be a cliff, and when they reached the top...they saw.

The group seemed to all stop at once, realizing what they found. It was silent, except for the blowing of the waves before them. It was water- the ocean. They all stared, stunned.

Sasha and Connie had mutual expressions of open mouth wonder. Y/n just stared, aghast. Eren on the other hand looked unsurprised and almost bored.

One by one they slipped off the backs of their horses, most rolling up their pant legs and trodding into the water.

Y/n did a little dance in the water, laughing as Connie playfully splashed Sasha in the eyes. Sasha screamed in pain, "my eyes!" After she recovered, she splashed Connie back. Or tried to. At the last second Connie ducked and the salty sea spray hit y/n dead in the face instead.

"Sasha!" Her friend giggled sheepishly. Y/n tackled her into the water, the two becoming completely soaked. Connie chuckled at their antics, pointing his index finger at them with his right hand and keeping his left to his chest. The two girls shared a mischievous look which caused Connie's laughter to die out immediately.

"Take him down!" "Hiya!" Working in sync the two tackled him into the water. The three resurfaced and giggled at each other's soaked expressions. "It's so salty!" Jean was a few paces ahead of them and had just drank some of the water.

"Jean what the fuck. You really need to stop putting things into your mouth if you don't know what's in them." Y/n stood up, twisting her hair to relieve it of some water. Raising a brow, Jean leaned towards her. "Says the girl deep diving into it. Armin says there's nothing in here but salt anyway, and besides someone was bound to drink from here. I just saved them the extra hassle." Y/n flicked water at him. "How gallant of you."

Eren's monologue interrupted them then, they way he sounded close to tears, his voice creaking at the last sentence begged for their concentration. "Will we finally be free?" No one spoke, whatever light mood that existed now diminished.

"way to kill the mood Jaeger." Jean muttered, but he seemed just as solemn as Eren. "Don't worry, I'll lighten it up." Y/n shoved Jean down, and into the water. He landed with a surprised yelp and everyone turned, broken out of their private misery.

"Really y/l/n!" Jean spat, his cheeks dusted with blush. Y/n giggled, until she was cut off by Jean grabbing her and pulling her down into the water. "Shit!" She gasped out, landing in the water beside him.

"Are you serious! Jean, I just rang out my hair!" Jean opened his mouth to retort when sasha and Connie interrupted, shouting "Dog pile!" Jean and Y/n's eyes widened. "No!" "Wait-!" As Kenny once said, kaboom.

Now, all four of them were completely soaked, but none of them really cared. They bursted out laughing, each pointing at one another in amusement. The reflex seemed almost unnatural- it'd been so long since her last belly laugh. Connie, Sasha, and Jean felt similar and the tears they shed weren't just from their chuckles, but something deeper.

Y/n left the three to splash each other, waddling over to Armin, Mikasa, and Eren. Eren still looked off into the horizon but the tenseness in his shoulders seemed lighter. "What do you have there, Armin." She spoke softly to her friend, marveling at the shell he had gently lying in his palms. "Some sort of shell..." His gaze met hers. "I'm sure there have to be hundreds here." Y/n smiled.

"Did you think it'd be like this? Big, breezy, and beautiful?" Armin looked up, looking beyond Eren. "Maybe something close...I just never expected to actually see it...let alone feel it." They shared another look before they turned to Mikasa. She had gotten closer to Eren, but her gaze was in the water. She was kicking at it, her expression unreadable.

"hmmm." Y/n hummed, tapping her chin. She took off, running past Eren and to the left of him. "Hey! Y/l/n, don't go out too far!" Levi called after her. At the left edge, she stopped, bending down and searching fervently in the waters.

"There must be hundreds..."she mumbled to herself, brow furrowed in concentration. "Ah hah!" She straightened, a single white shell lying in the palm of her hand. She ran back, to armin, mikasa, and Eren. She skidded to a stop directly in front of Mikasa, who gave her an amused look.

Y/n dropped to a knee, sticking up her palm. "For my favorite Ackerman!" "Oi!" Levi grunted from behind her and Mikasa blushed. "Thank you, y/n." The young girl smiled, gently picking up the shell. "You are my favorite y/l/n." Y/n crossed her arms. "I'm the only y/l/n." Mikasa smiled a bit brighter.

Eren had turned towards them, snapping out of his gaze from the unusual commotion. He had watched the two interact and the way Mikasa had gently lifted the shell and just as gently cradled it caused the corner of his lips to upturn.

Y/n noticed. "I can find you one too, Eren. Although I'm afraid finding one as pretty as Armin's is impossible and thus out of the question." Eren softened and shook his head. "No, thank you, y/n." She stood up from her position, and was immediately wrapped in a quick hug from Mikasa.

"Oh! What's this?" Hanje lifted something reminiscent of a burnt rock from the water, gently rubbing her fingers over it. Y/n drew closer, allowing Hanje to explain all of the oddities she found. Y/n nodded along, only half understanding what her friend was ranting about.

Finally Hanje gasped with delight- cutting herself off. "there's more over here!" She pranced away from y/n, pausing several steps away and bending down to search for more.

Finally y/n turned to Levi, who had already been watching her. He seemed so out of place it was funny. His arms were crossed and he looked disinterested...but y/n knew that he was just uncomfortable. They watched each other, taking their differences in.

Really Levi couldn't believe how different two people could be. There y/n stood, a breeze sifting through her hair, her entire outfit completely soaked, and a stupid grin on her face. She was some brat- he'd admit it.

"You're going to get sick, y/n." She smiled, wading through the low tide to where he stood. "You'd love the chance to take care of me." "Tch, I deal with you enough as is." The two had shortened the distance between each other.

The wind ruffled his undercut. "It's a lot less scary than it looks." Y/n gently nudged him with her shoulder. "I'm not scared." Levi gave her a sharp look and anyone one else would've slinked away, but y/n wasn't anyone else- especially not to Levi.

Gently she took his hand in hers, squeezing it softly. He narrowed his eyes, the silver orbs twinkling against the sunset. He interlaced his fingers with her own though, his deep admiration for y/n often undermined his "tough guy" resolve.

Y/n smiled at him, "Okay old man are you going to roll up those pants or will I have to?" Levi sighed, grumbling under his breath as he bent down. "If I get sick from this-" she rolled her eyes. "Levi it's water. The thing you bathe in, clean with, drink. You will not get sick."

He pulled a sock off. "Tch, I once saw you find a piece of uneaten bread hidden behind books in the library, and watched you eat it without question. I don't believe anything you say about what's healthy and what's not, brat." Y/n helped him fold his socks neatly next to his shoes. "That was one time!" He paused. "And it's scarred into my memory."

Again, y/n rolled her eyes. However, the smile on her never even flinched. She grabbed Levi's hand and yanked him forward. He gasped, but y/n only sped up. "Oi, oi, oi, wait! You're going to fast, we'll-" They splashed into the water, splashing it up to their faces.

Levi's eyes were wide, and he seemed absolutely at a loss for what to do with himself. Finally he met her gaze, and saw how she looked at him. Levi felt his cheeks flush. "Tch, fine it's not as bad as I thought." He turned to leave, but she yanked him back to her.

"hey, hey, hey mateo, mateo." She pulled him so that his side was resting against her, he turned back to y/n. "Stay awhile." She said gently. Her smile had changed now, and Levi noticed. His shoulders relaxed. He realized now why this was so important to her. This could be the last chance they had.

Then she kicked water at him.

"Y/n!" She laughed and backed deeper into the water. "You may be humanity's greatest titan fighter..." She began to move her arms around wildly. "But I am humanity's greatest Levi Ackerman fighter." Levi sighed, unamused. "You got water on my pants!" He moved towards her.

"The target approaches, seemingly irritated." She backed away. "Tch, Seemingly?" Levi's hand balled into fists. "He's going deeper into enemy territory, what will y/n do?" "Y/n should run." Levi got closer.

He jumped at her, and she tackled him, the two landing into the water. Once again y/n became instantly soaked, and Levi was now in the same boat, wet completely from head to toe. "It is salty!" Levi gasped out, his arms still wrapped around y/n. "Did you think we were all lying before?" Y/n laughed, watching as Levi struggled to get salty water from his eyes.

He pulled his fist from his eye, finally looking at y/n. She was soaked, probably more than he was, but she was as radiant as could be, her eyes shining, her smile wide, and her hair blowing softly. He stared at her several seconds, lost in how beautiful she was. Sometimes he had a difficult time believing that someone like her could ever be interested in someone like him. "I love you." He clutched her tighter to him.

Her face became more serious, and she closed her mouth. Y/n gently put a wet thumb on his cheek. "I love you too, Levi." They stayed there, in that moment together.

"and yet I'm only your second favorite Ackerman." Y/n sighed, going to pull away, but Levi grabbed her and to her surprise he laughed.

"What's so funny?" Levi and y/n turned, Connie, Sasha, Jean, Hanje, Eren, Armin, and Mikasa all stood over them.

"None of your business, brats." Levi said, crossing his arms. The group shared a glance. "Oh, no, guys wait-" Connie, Sasha, Jean, Hanje, and Mikasa attacked, jumping to tackle them, splashing and creating a mini hurricane.

Armin and Eren watched, still standing. Armin was smiling, whilst Eren's expression still remained cautious. The tension he had carried moments before abandoned him though, and it seemed as though now for the small moment they had, they all realized- only now could they truly live it.

Today was today and that was all they had for certain.

"There's water in a place where water should definitely not be!"

"Don't make me drown you!"

"Who's foot is this?"

"What's gonna happen when we leave? Will we still be wet?"

"GODDAMNIT I KEEP SWALLOWING IT! WHY DOES IT BURN!"

"you all are no match for my skills- I am unconquerable!"

"Yeah, I'm never doing this again."

Armin turned to Eren. "Sometimes... sometimes I believe that it'll never get better than this." He took a breath and Eren put a hand on his shoulder. "Right now...I think...I think you may be right, Armin."

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A/n: hey guys! I hope you enjoyed this, feel free to request more Levi Ackerman or to give critism. Merry Christmas!

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