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seventh-fantasy · 6 months

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li xiangyi, yin, and femininity

we all know that li xiangyi is a character of fractured identities. and li lianhua is an unreliable narrator to his own story. these make him not the most straightforward character to study. but I've believed in treating li lianhua as a part of li xiangyi, rather than separates. and there must be a common thread that ties all of him together. thus, I offer what I have found to be the most useful lens to use to view him as a cohesive whole, regardless as li xiangyi, li lianhua, or any other identity he may reinvent into: his 阴 yin qualities. (yin of yinyang)

this framework suggested by the drama's text itself has helped clarify to me his strengths, weaknesses, motivations, and struggles. by identifying this constant, too, makes it so much easier talking about what has changed in him.

[to the, hopefully growing, boli lhl hivemind @markiafc @ananeiah]

there are some notes on the concept of yinyang and chinese conceptualisation of gender I have to preface with.

[disclaimer: of course, I'm not even trying to cover a tip of what experts have extensively studied and debated in a depth it deserves. all I'm doing is try to parse the broad, fundamental ideas that are needed to explain my blorbos through my own spotty brain filter. so there bound to be nuances I've overlooked or some degree of my own interpretation. pretentious but needs to be done.]

阴 yin and 阳 yang are concepts characterised by passiveness, darkness, gentleness, femininity etc, and proactivity, light, toughness, masculinity etc respectively. a very key and handy concept to have in mind is their relationship to each other - which I'll not attempt at explaining better than literal scholars have:

Yin and yang exist only in relation to one another internally as the way warmth-coldness only exist relative to one another. Furthermore, when using yin-yang as an organizational schema, achieving balancing harmony is always the goal, not domination nor subordination of one to the other. [x]

while yin and yang can be symbols of femininity and masculinity, it doesn't mean all female are yin and all male are yang. it's certainly not a strict 1-to-1 equation. the concept of gender in chinese context is more social than biological. this suggests room for fluidity, and shaping of identities, often through social rituals as one journeys through life. it also means that there can be femininity in the masculine, and vice versa - in fact, that's only healthy because you need a good balance of the two worlds. no one part is better than the other. if you think of the two components as relative to each other, they are always interacting and affecting each other, rather than being strict and inert binaries. simply put, it needs to be kept in mind that there are greater nuances in applying yin and yang to the definitions of gender, and to avoid at all cost a simplification of this framework into a binary.

sure, the show has implied that lxy's powers and energy are yin-coded. but femininity is only one of the multiple attributes of yin. so how are we extending lxy's yin to femininity specifically? it's in the text that substantiates and qualifies lxy as feminine. dead women being used as proxies to his character. being literally dressed as a woman in order to put himself into their shoes and feel what they've felt. adopting a name that happens to be very, very feminine - 莲花 lianhua (lit. lotus flower) (it must be caveated that chinese names are NOT gendered. but there are just some names that are more feminine than others.) him coming to lead a life revolving around traditionally feminine, domestic things as li lianhua. him having interactions with the women around him like he's in his own element - no pressure and tension at all, unlike with all the other men.

as such, I'm more willing to use yin and femininity interchangeably in discussing lxy (while it's not necessarily applicable to every point that will be mentioned albeit there being some degree of implied association). and it's for the sake of elucidating what I feel is an intention or very plausible reading of the canon text in parsing feminine experiences in lxy's character. and thus, his queerness.

one last note is that taoism is going be mentioned quite a bit as well because of how much it as a philosophy honours the yin quality. its key tenets include valuing passiveness and inaction as a form of action, and submitting to the nature of things. and we will see how those come up in lxy's life too. (though I'm not gonna attempt to deep dive into it here beyond broad strokes of it.)

a huge part of li xiangyi's yin actually manifests in him being a passive person. this applies not just to li lianhua, but also li xiangyi. I know. ok wait hear me out. the idea of yinyang is after all components that can change and are relational to each other: thus, there were points in li xiangyi's life when he was less passive than other points, but they ultimately don't match up to the degree of aggression displayed by other men around him. so relative to their display of proactivity and aggression, he can be considered as passive. the best example is that of shan gudao proposing to launch an offensive on jinyuan alliance, while lxy - as much as he was arrogant about it - was standing his ground on not taking action in favour of peace.

it has already showed up in his childhood as well. he wasn't a particularly competitive child: 从来都没有谁要和你争 nobody has ever thought of competing with you over anything, he told sgd as he recalled of their times growing up. it was in fact sgd who was desperate to control and override lxy's presence. baby lxy did not hesitate at all over giving up on winning in favour of protecting his only rare few close relationships left in the world (given how hard-earned relationships are when they're non-familial !!!!). as much as I resent the one-dimensional writing of sgd, he has served as a very strong marker to highlight on lxy's yin.

I've harped on it several times before but this is the time I finally get to explain it proper: my own theory is that li xiangyi became an unparalleled swordsmaster because of his yin/feminine quality, not in spite of it. an interesting point that had been out in the open unclaimed until it was brought up in our friend group is that, li xiangyi does not actually fit anybody's conventional image of a 武林盟主 wulin mengzhu (ie. ruler of wulin). it would most likely have been some burly, muscular, ultra-masculine dude. even if they don't look like the demonic monk, it should be someone more like di feisheng. but. it's li xiangyi, the boyish, delicate-looking kid, who came to the top. (no wonder people - mostly men - love or love to bully hate him like weak men hate powerful women??)

"why didn't they cast someone who looks more like a wulin mengzhu (read: traditionally manly)?" no, no that's precisely the point. nobody said wulin mengzhu have to look manly. and also who is to define the manliness required to be in a place of authority? (or in my other meta, we would ask, who is to define anybody gets to have the authority over anyone else at all?)

by taoist ideal, gentleness is the most refined form of strength. li xiangyi has been haunting and distracting me in my chinese calligraphy practices lately because I'm thinking about how this must be the closest to what it felt like lxy becoming the best swordsman in jianghu. (so pretentiously brainrotten of me, I know, BUT IT'S REAL and I'm suffering.) mastering a chinese art is essentially about mastering a delicate balance between force and gentleness; being able to draw force from softness 柔中带刚 and an ability to maintain this balance. a beginner will instinctively hold a brush for the first time with brute, unrefined force. some fairly reputable contemporary calligraphers, according to my teacher, can be seen as being either too soft or too forceful - but are still able to pass off as good enough. it's then, the master of masters who will have the sophistication of a firm yet flexible control of the brush with the appropriate use of gentleness/laxness that produces a harmony of strokes. this idea extends to any other sort of chinese craft or practice including traditional chinese medicine, and I believe, swordsmanship too. I'm taking a fucking leap of faith here to say this because I practise NO sort of (chinese) martial arts, I must caveat. (someone who does may want to say something...) but theoretically that should be how it works.

it is not for no rhyme or reason, or *handwaves* that lxy emerged to the top AND is almost undefeatable. among a competitive, forceful (ie. yang) wulin, li xiangyi stood out with a power and energy defined by yin (ie. gentleness and stability) that led him to create his signature 扬州慢 yangzhouman. it is characterised by 慢 slowness (my calligraphy teacher says to us all the time to take it slow), and also described by dfs as 中正绵长 - which I would best describe by painting a picture of a steady and stable stream. these precisely speak of the essence of a mastery of gentleness as strength to me.

conversely, dfs's way in mastering power is very largely premised on taking action because he literally had no other choice in the environment he grew up in. both of them develop in opposite ways. it was the case of gentleness for lxy clearly because he grew up in a safe, nurturing environment that had allowed him to be slow and steady at his own pace, drawing on his natural gifts.

now top of the wulin world at 17, li xiangyi founds sigu sect. li xiangyi, the boy before becoming menzhu and li xiangyi the leader of sigu sect are not the same.

how then did a (relatively) passive boy like lxy end up founding sigu sect. this lxy is the one who was fostered into competition - though not in an abusive, twisted way. in fact he was raised in a rather taoist way by his shifu: to be honest with yourself and respect your opponent. so he honoured whatever powers he had been bestowed with by nature. he gives into it. even so, at another level, I just have a sense that shifu and shiniang's competitive marital spat had an insidious effect on the boys...though the detrimental effect was more on sgd than lxy. baby lxy feels like a sweet-natured kid who was just in his own zone, you know - some (aka sgd) would say, too much of him even, to have not realised what was wrong at all with his shixiong for years.

that's not all of course. I've always gotten the vibes that his attitude behind forming sigu sect felt more like, this is what all the good men of jianghu do and I will have to do it now especially that I'm the best. it didn't feel particularly personal to me, but rather what would have been expected of him by the social climate of wulin jianghu (eg. lxy saying to 光耀师门 bring honour to his teacher). it's definitely not an expectation from his shifu, who explicitly told him that he was never expected to become a noble figure of any sort, but just to be alive and contented. as concluded by the man himself as li lianhua: "有些人入了江湖是为了立心，而有的人入江湖为的是立命。我却不知道自己真正想要的是什么。some people enter jianghu for the cultivation of the mind, others for a cultivation of a meaningful life. but I never knew what I truly wanted." he was ultimately, unwittingly a passive player in his own story of becoming the great sigu sect leader.

(at this point, as a side note, I do wonder if there were any other similar sects or alliances that function the same as sigu sect that came before it. because I'm damn well sure there must be something, as likely as there must have been generations of wulin legends who came before lxy. but of course, this is not what the story is concerned with at all and I'm ok with that.)

it's crucial to point out that, even despite this being the phase of his yang in the display of taking action and enacting firmness, lxy had still done sigu sect with the sole purpose and manner of upkeeping peace and order (in the way of the pro-universal love, anti-aggression mohist 侠 xia leader of the people). he's still very characterised by yin in my books, especially when vis-à-vis to sgd.

a li xiangyi full of himself and made himself too useful to the people was only bound for a great asteroidal fall, in the concept of 物极必反 - or in taoist lexicon 反者道之动 (ie. anything that has reached its limit will only start developing in the opposite direction). if you think you're above all, you can only go down.

this manifests during the next time he took action - and it was one so forceful that it overpowered even his opponent, dfs who ended up being the passive, receiving party in this case - was in initiating the battle at donghai 10 years ago... and gee oh boy. it didn't end well - for both of them, but even more so for lxy. (dfs was like 'tis but a scratch (shrugs)' as compared to him being ripped off his tendons by jiao liqiao like nezha did to the dragon prince. truth is he had to go into a 10-year healing retreat served by his entourage. :p) ok, I digress.

xiao zijin was quick to attribute sigu sect's fall to lxy's arrogance - in turn setting the stage for lxy's 10 years of self-hatred and the framing of lxy as a villain? irresponsible figure? by jianghu. (god forbid girls do anything! ok for legal reasons, this a joke.) lxy lost his mind in ways I believe he never had in his life there and then upon seeing his shixiong dead. so, you could say he led the jianghu world to ruins out of love (using this term loosely). but it feels inaccurate to say it's due to arrogance. he did not do that out of self-importance or ego, especially when the revenge for sgd was a collective decision made by sigu sect as we know from the flashback. so when llh pinned all fault on himself for being arrogant in the past, it is with caution to take his words because that's the unreliable narrator in him speaking.

anyway, it's precisely li xiangyi that is capable of bouncing back from such a fatal crisis, equipped with his yin and a mastery that gave him the power of flexibility.

it's extremely vital to re-establish that literally the only thing that was keeping li xiangyi alive, physically, as li lianhua is yangzhouman. (monk wuliao literally said that to lxy even though he did facilitate in saving him.) it's the yangzhouman that was drawn from lxy's mastery of yin. without yangzhouman, li xiangyi would not even have the chance to become li lianhua and undergo any needed process of transformation. without li xiangyi, there would have been no yangzhouman. no li xiangyi, no li lianhua, get it?

the point is not to deny the change li xiangyi wants to make and has made. but to acknowledge that change isn't about complete erasure and destruction. something from you survives. something in you had kept you alive to have you come so far, regardless of all the bad bits that you want to denounce of. you've always been worth it.

bringing back the thing about his new name: the distinction must be made that he did not pick it because it was feminine but it just so happened a feminine name had resonated with him. (read: he didn't necessarily identify as a woman but identified with femininity. at least within the parameters of canon text.)

he also made an interesting choice to retain his surname for someone who was desperate to sever ties from his past. hmm. or maybe he wasn't that desperate? when li lianhua says li xiangyi is dead, I believe it meant that li xiangyi the sigumen menzhu is dead rather than li xiangyi as an entirety. li lianhua is a returning to the path lxy could have gone if he did not establish sigu sect, the path that shifu wanted him to take. when he walked to the doors of sigu sect in the aftermath, nothing was actually stopping him from going back (people were still around and alive, instead of all dead people, you know)... except for himself. taking that action would have been too much for him. so he went with the flow of life giving him a chance at rebirth and walked away. there, inaction as a form of action.

zhan yunfei and qiao wanmian have said to li lianhua, oh that doesn't sound like li xiangyi at all. but has it been considered that, maybe it was sigu sect's lxy who wasn't the real lxy? sigu sect lxy was one big performance of the values of masculinity and heteronormativity that llh had came to an awareness of, and eventually struggle with again and resist against in the final year of his life. there had only been some glimpses of his true nature allowed (validated by fang duobing talking about lxy at his altar).

imho, most flashbacks of lxy during that period felt impersonal and more like a template of a hero expected to marry his girl at 18. going through all the motions and steps of a normative life even before he was old enough to grasp and explore his own identity and what it meant in the world. no wonder he denounced so much of what he had done as lxy including liking girls. walking away then also meant a walk away from those duties and expectations. li lianhua is li xiangyi liberated from masculine duties and heteronormative performance.

in doing that, he had the opportunity for the first time in his life to explore what he truly wanted, at least within the parameters of what he could afford to do at that point. he could go on to build a domestic, feminine life within the space of jianghu (as I've established here). it's a kind of feminine lifestyle that doesn't quite exist in mainstream society - being a woman there meant to stay put in a domestic space without much room to move socially. nor did it exist in wulin jianghu because even the women there like shi-guniang and jlq were expected to be masculine, aggressive, competitive. so building a mobile home in the space of jianghu is his way of defining the life he wants and can have. li lianhua is the extension of femininity in li xiangyi - and one that can be free.

it's also worth talking about in my opinion what is one of the most important and a favourite dihua moment: when dfs said to lxy that his greatest weakness was to like being a hero. and a swordsman should be without weaknesses. I'm forever wrapped up in how many layers this can be read in. was he mad at lxy for liking to be a hero or having weaknesses, or both? if the former, it was dfs criticising, based on lxy's public reputation, lxy's oversized illusions about being a hero - a figure of masculinity with an unrealistic sense to uphold noble goals eg. saving the world etc. that is actually perfectly logical coming from dfs, the straightforward, no-nonsense, morally neutral guy with no illusions about heroism (in this case, he feels more like a yin). but at the same time, we should understand that lxy's motivations behind the donghai battle are more personal than noble. if any, it was actually the opposite of noble - it was like he was acting out of the role of a caretaker of his family, and at a cost of the peace and order of jianghu he was set on guarding(!!) dfs also knew that lxy was there just for his shixiong. and so, dfs, who happens to be the epitome of yang, can be read as a symbol of masculinity disapproving of lxy for being sentimental and emotional; for having the "feminine" desires to simply want to defend his family (not saying those are exclusively feminine traits but they have been conventionally associated as feminine). I think both layers of reading are correct and should work together to contribute to the complexity of their characters. (we can see how it contributes to lxy and dfs being the perfect yinyang halves to each other, which I will come back to briefly touch on later.)

for 10 years he lived a life of seclusion and staying-in-his-own-lane a taoist would be proud of. he knew he was dying and has always been ok with dying, as he claimed. but did he want to die? to think of it, it was the opposite. because in those 10 years when he could have 100% just taken action to take his own life, he didn't. in fact, he lived on and took care of himself in the way shifu wanted him to. he had simply preferred letting nature run its course. if bicha didn't take him, he wasn't gonna do anything. but if he died one day very soon, he would be ok with it too. sure, he was maybe banking on a lead to sgd's whereabouts to appear during his last years alive but that clearly wasn't the only thing on his mind for NINE years because he didn't actively go out seeking for that either. this is basically him telling dfs that he would just lie in the sun and wait for the sweet release of death, if dfs were to force him to fight. not even the mortal threat from dfs was enough to move him into action of fighting back or killing himself.

time and again, lxy as llh was dragged into fdb's cases but not only that, he also maintained an impersonal distance with them. it's starkly different from the usual (wuxia) hero archetypes (for eg. fdb) who would be more impassioned and personally invested in the plight of the victims- or unlike most seemingly aloof protagonists who would somehow grow emotionally invested over time. one of the many things I love about llh is that he never tries a second time to persuade people out of their decisions he finds unwise (eg. him just wanting to move on in response to the girls in 女宅 insisting on staying behind with their slave master at first.) he will not interfere in other people's choices made in their own lives. it's not his business. he didn't even want to be there, to be honest.

however as the story progresses, more and more people - especially men, his past, and the leads to the truth came back to demand and taunt him into doing something. they vary from well-meaning people without any harm intended such as fdb intruding upon his private space completely uninvited and qwm wanting him back; to dfs merely seeking him as a mean to an end initially (eg. I only need him to live long enough to have one last fight); and finally, on the other end of the spectrum, outright aggressive and hostile people like sgd and xzj who wanted him to die. under all this pressure, he tried his best to deflect, but he does waver especially when it comes to matters concerning the people he cares about aka his obsession wish of 10 years of looking for sgd's remains that had lied low until fdb entered his life, and then later on taking revenge for his shifu.

looking for sgd became his final bid at taking action. he was operating on a slim chance of getting some emotional closure from finding out his shixiong is dead for real, yes. what a good plan. but objectively unnecessary. or surprise! uhhh...finding out his beloved shixiong is actually alive and would strangle him for one corn chip? AND OH NO IT GOT WORSE- uncovering a devastating truth about his shifu's death that he could have totally gone on with life fine without knowing if he had continued not caring.

but it is sometimes just impossible not to care - it is only human to care. and he is human, not an icon in the image of a hero. so he took a chance, once more, and it killed him in unprecedented ways. it's donghai all over again. things in life don't go as planned. you fuck around and it fucks you back. finding out the truth behind his shifu's death and his family background from the past did nothing for him as li lianhua living in the present.

it's no wonder that this lxy decisively relinquishes the desire to take action in the end. he goes back to letting nature run its course. and this time, stands firmly to it despite everyone begging him otherwise. wangchuan flower could only give him a recovery (or survival?) rate of 30%. there's a 70% chance of failure and even in the 30% he was not sure what he was to become. in comparison, dfs took a 10% chance game of survival in a heartbeat, and it pushed him to new heights. that's how they differ: he thrives by taking risks and action while lxy the other way round. so, something like that has happened before and he wants none of it again.

he leaves lotus tower, only taking his horse and a sack - relinquishing almost every other material belonging he had - and sets off on a journey. before xzj interrupted...where to was he going?? I wonder. we don't know for sure, I think? and are we allowed to know? that makes the scene he had with xzj an understated inflection point in the very last part of his journey. yes, he was already on his way to...maybe die? but not necessarily. you don't have to travel distances with your belongings for that, right? or speak to dfs personally about not wanting to fight? (borrowing one of @ananeiah's takes.) regardless, he was definitely leaving behind jianghu - not only wulin jianghu (he already did that 10 years ago), but also the jianghu space he had carved out in the last 10 years.

what sparked the decision to jump off the cliff in him was dfs's words from the night of their wedding 10th donghai anniversary: 横扫天下容易，断相夷太剑不易 conquering the world is easy, breaking xiangyi sword is not. in the original context, dfs was talking about defeating lxy being harder than conquering the world. but when it came to this scene, it was to lxy about forsaking the very last worldly possessions he had after already giving up on lotus tower and hulijing (including releasing his horse), especially his only connection left to swordsman lxy.

perhaps it had dawned on him that, wanting things at all was bad for him. in the last 10 years, he lived a life of seclusion, wanting very little. but he had still wanted things. there were still things he couldn't let go of that had led him to this state. despite having lived on an identity inspired by a buddhist teaching for 10 years, maybe it was only at this point that he was finally the closest to reaching an understanding of it. (I wish I was knowledgeable enough right now to dive into the possible buddhist reading here but alas. I'll leave it to our resident expert @markiafc)

it doesn't quite matter in the end where he was going after all. what mattered was that he literally went where the water took him and we're not supposed to know where it ends. I'm not seeing this in a bad and pessimistic way though. I think the relief in all this is that he had tried his best to within his abilities. also it's a form of enlightenment in relinquishing a desire, an obsession, a need to take any more action in order to live well. thus his ending felt to me relatively tender, empowering, and kind - albeit bittersweet and heartaching - than other possible kinds of ending, in a story where it was very possible for him to have died under the knives of his opponents or bicha at any moment, outside of his control.

if you've come so far in this post, congratulations! but also a reveal is that... you're not immune to the dihua propaganda threaded throughout this post. :P

as mentioned, other men like sgd and xzj in lxy's life were incredibly hostile to him. their yang nature overwhelmingly powers his yin. but dfs is different. dfs is the yang counterpart that fits perfectly to his yin.

dfs's yang is one that contains yin, that mirrors lxy's balance of yang in yin. it was suggested in text they are yinyang-coded meant to complement each other, given that whenever wangchuan flower's yin vs yang properties were discussed, the two men were always spoken about in the same breath. more importantly, as with the above few analyses of dfs's words playing a big role in shaping of lxy's choices with multiple meanings - as well as their day-to-day interactions - we can see that they constantly play off each other.

dfs's yang energy has been used to help lxy prolong his life (though not saving him entirely), while lxy has used his yin energy to save dfs and subsequently helped him attain his breakthrough. dfs has also helped lxy in his breakthrough of yin but not in the same way as dfs's cultivation of his combative powers, and rather, it's for lxy an understanding of his own path to take in life - a cultivation of the mind (both times 10 years before and after). given how significant dfs is in the shaping of lxy's realisation of the yin path - alike his shifu has, it's no wonder that they were the only two people lxy had imagined in his last sword dance of a farewell to jianghu.

with each of them coming together to form the perfect yin-yang model, they're a harmony of yin and yang representing the cosmos. what I also love is that they didn't start out as a perfect fit, but only towards the end of the story was the harmonisation completed, which makes sense for two components that are always in a flux influencing each other. the fact that they were number 1 and 2 of wulin, and being the only ones capable of understanding each other in a level nobody else could... it all reinforces the cosmic sense of their relationship. they're the halves to a whole, fitting in a specific way nobody else can.

(I mean. technically this is going into the space of extrapolation based on a tangential interpretation of canon text, so do take it with a pinch of salt. but of course this pinch of salt can do wonders for a shipper's feast... :P and this certainly could have been a meta of its own expanding on dfs's side of the analysis, but this is it for now in this context.)

to think of it, li xiangyi has actually died more than that one time that turned him into li lianhua. first was a death of him as a nanyin royalty - I resent having to bring up nanyin like it should hold any weight to the narrative as far as I'm concerned, but the point being that he had a completely different (familial-based) life before that still stands. then he had a rebirth as li xiangyi, disciple and swordsman to his shifu and shiniang, and later died again when li xiangyi the sigu sect leader took over. lxy the sigu sect leader died at sea in the battle 10 years ago and came back as li lianhua. (just like nezha, died after battling at east sea and rebirthed from the lotus) li lianhua then dies by the end of the drama.

there can be a myriad of interpretations as to what exactly happened to him, including the possibility that he's still alive. regardless, we can agree that li lianhua as an identity has ran its course, and he had to evolve again. but into what form?

in the line of thought of yin and femininity, and how his transformation has been in an increasing degree of presentation of femininity - even way back when I was watching the show, I had the idea of him living socially as a woman post-li lianhua. I don't know what he would be realistically doing or what could be practical for him in such an identity. but conceptually it was sensible and compelling to me before diving deeper into the details. (I have more elaboration to do on this that I won't be talking about here publicly but it is in the same strain of idea as this other comparative meta I wrote.)

I think the next possible identity lxy can assume - alive in the material realm or not - is one that will be beyond a material being. a nameless entity. once you've gone through the phases of life - from not knowing to knowing, and perfecting knowledge, then to the surpassing of knowledge - you surpass all worldly existence, and become one with the cosmos.

I end this off with an excerpt from Tao Te Ching's Chapter 41 (I'm not pretending to have read the whole book ok but I couldn't resist including this):

明道若昧，进道若退，夷道若纇 [...] 道隐无名 The bright path seems dim; Going forward seems like retreat; The easy way seems hard [...] The Tao is hidden and without name. (x)

the character translated into "easy" is the same 夷 yi of li xiangyi's name. somehow this seems to encapsulate the journey of his life: one that seems blessed and smooth-sailing but ending up to be rocky and turbulent. but at the end of the day, after all that he had been through, he will become hidden and without name.

#莲花楼 #mysterious lotus casebook #lhl #lhlmeta #my posts #a big win for the inaction fandom. lxy would have been patron saint #this inevitably turned into a 'lhl is a taoist and buddhist story if not a very chinese story' meta hbhjbjhbhjjb #the last thing i do before going to sleep is write this meta. the first thing i do after waking up is write this meta.#i feel so insane writing this. it kept growing like a monster. do you think this is a joke it's like my part-time job now #but it's one of the few times in my life i have confidence in my insanity. so.#crazier thing is. this meta is approaching 6k words yet i still think there must be things i haven't covered.#the last section is so nuts idk how i even wrote it guys i think i was possessed #it's also like the most pretentious way to put that he's dead in this world ok hjbjhbhjbhjbjbh #to be clear iirc the drama didn't say LXY'S POWER/ENERGY IS YIN in the same way it literally said dfs's energy is yang #but it's definitely implied by the explanation of the flower's healing properties for both of them. on top of yangzhouman #also fuck. another reason he didn't choose to save himself was so dfs could have the yang flower which he believed was what dfs wanted #thank u frens mark and ana for indulging my brain in the first time i brought the lxy as woman thing up. for it to have come this far #ofc disclaimer is that a lot of this is my own reading. it doesnt have to be agreed by everyone #i would be very happy though if any part of it resonated with anybody #also a good part of the analysis is based on my memory of the show. though i did revisit parts selectively to verify. sooooo. yeah.

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gamerwoo · 3 years

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[Tales from the Pack] Joshua: Second Chance (Part Two)

Characters: Joshua x female reader (well this part is more like Joshua x female oc)

Genre/warnings: werewolf au, fantasy, fluff, some angst

Word count: 4,932

Summary: After his mate died, Joshua always blamed himself and never wanted to imprint again. However, fate has other ideas when he meets you: a young, energetic werecoyote that’s quite the opposite of him. He insists he doesn’t want a new mate – nobody’s even sure if he’s ready for a new one – but he can’t ignore his instincts.

a/n: things in bold are in english, and everything is in italics because it’s all backstory stuff

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Lilly Green started out as a childhood friend. Joshua grew up with her since they were neighbors and their parents were close. Even when their families decided to relocate because of the worsening famine in America, they were still together. Joshua was even the one to teach her Korean -- of course, he taught her how to compliment him before teaching her anything of good use.

But Lilly was also the one to keep Josh in line. He was always a bit of a troublemaker, and it only got worse when he got closer to shifting for the first time. He got into fights, snuck out when he wasn’t supposed to, and did just about every single thing he was told not to do. The only person that could seem to get him to listen was Lilly.

The only time Joshua and Lilly were apart was when he shifted. He was gone for five days.

The first two days, Lilly waited. She waited outside her house or would do her work in the window to watch for Joshua. She wasn’t sure if she’d scold him or hug him when he returned, but she just wanted Joshua to come back. She missed her best friend.

The third day was when she was fed up with waiting around and finally went out to find him. She searched all around town and even ventured one day to the neighboring town, but she never found Joshua. Since his parents hadn’t even heard from him or known what happened, she wasn’t sure if he was kidnapped or killed.

“He’s just run away, Lilly,” her parents kept insisting. “You know how he is -- he’s not a good kid. He’s not coming back so stop going off after him, you’ll get hurt.”

But she was absolutely positive he didn’t run away and left her behind. Joshua would never leave her like that. Not her Joshua.

It wasn’t until the early hours of the sixth day that Joshua came back. He had to leave right away, but he had to say goodbye to Lilly first. He refused to leave for good before he saw her one last time.

The evening he’d left, he had shifted for the first time. Terrified, Joshua ran off into the woods, unable to change back or figure out his emotions. It wasn’t until a scrappy pack of young men who he later realized were other werewolves found him and were able to calm him enough that he went back home. But not before one of them -- he seemed to be like the ‘leader’ and claimed to be their alpha, but even Joshua was skeptical of how true that was -- explained that the odds he could stay in his town were very slim. People didn’t take kindly to werewolves, so that meant Josh would be in danger staying there.

“You go collect what you need and say goodbye to anybody you have to,” the boy, Jaemin, told him, “and then you can come back to me. We’ll be your pack.”

So Joshua managed to climb up to Lilly’s window and slip in. She always left it cracked when it was warm because she liked the cool breeze, so he wasn’t surprised that the window was open. He was surprised, however, that she was sitting up in bed, staring at the window like she expected him to tumble ungracefully into her bedroom.

“Shit Lilly!” he whispered, clutching his heart. “Why aren’t you asleep?”

“Where have you been?” she demanded, keeping her voice low so as to not wake her family.

Joshua averted his eyes, “...I can’t tell you.”

It didn’t take much for Lilly to notice something was off. Instead of the familiar brown she knew, Josh’s eyes were now a liquid gold that seemed to practically glow in the moonlight that lit up her room. She scooted forward on her bed and gripped his jaw, forcing him to look at her. She almost pulled away from how warm his skin was.

“Josh,” her voice was soft like she was cooing at him, her green eyes searching his, “you can tell me anything. What happened to you?”

Joshua continued to stare into her eyes in silence as he tried to work through his thoughts. Not only was he struggling on the decision to tell her everything, but he was also sensing new things. Lilly’s sweet fragrance he’d always smelled suddenly smelled sweeter -- like the best thing he’d ever smelled. When he first saw her after being away for so long, she was the only thing he saw. And yet, he didn’t feel any different looking at her.

“You won’t believe me if I tell you,” he breathed.

“I’ll believe anything you tell me,” she promised. “I always have, haven’t I?”

It wasn’t a lie. She believed him when he said the boy at church was bullying the homeless children -- he’d gotten in trouble for beating him up because nobody but her believed him -- she believed him when he said a hunter in town had stolen from a poor man -- again, he’d gotten in trouble for beating that man up, too -- and she even believed him when he made their pact to stay by each other’s side when they were four -- and she clearly stood by that because she waited for him to return for five days. Lilly always believed him, and he knew by the look in her eyes that this would be no different.

“Those monsters...the ones they tell stories about to the kids in town...” he began slowly, unwanted tears welling in his eyes. “Would you hate me if I became one of them...?”

“The werewolves?” she asked.

Joshua nodded, his eyes closing and a tear sliding down his cheek.

He expected to feel her grip on his chin loosen. He expected to feel her scramble away from him before yelling for him to get out or for her father to grab his gun or something awful. He expected the absolutely worst -- for him to lose his best friend.

Instead, he felt arms wrap around his neck before a hand guided his head into their shoulder. He heard Lilly quietly shushing his silent sobs as she held him to her, stroking his hair in a comforting manner. And he suddenly felt a hundred times better being in her embrace, his arms instinctively wrapping around her waist as he knelt in front of her bed.

“You’re not a monster to me, Josh,” she told him. “You never will be.”

“But it means I have to break our pact,” he told her in a broken whisper, not wanting to move his face from her shoulder. “I can’t stay here, Lilly. It’s not safe for me.”

“You don’t have to break it if you take me with you.”

Josh let out a soft chuckle, pulling away to look up at her, “I can’t take you with me. You’re too young to be out on your own.”

“And you’re not?” she frowned, wiping his tears away with her thumbs.

“I’ll be taken care of,” he reassured her. “You should stay here with your family. ...It’s where you belong.”

He wasn’t sure why, but the thought of leaving Lilly hurt more than it normally would’ve. It was like it physically hurt his heart. He didn’t even want to leave her bedroom. He wanted to hide away there and live there forever.

Lilly let out a silent sigh as she looked over Joshua’s face. She wanted to memorize every part of his face if she really was going to lose him so suddenly. But she understood why he had to leave. Even though werewolves were played off as a myth to most people, they were still known to be lurking about by adults and higher-ups in town. If Joshua was found out to be one...

“Make a new pact with me, then,” she decided.

“What is it?”

“When I turn the legal age,” she began slowly, a small smile tugging up the corners of her lips, “come find me.”

Joshua should’ve known she wouldn’t give up that easily, but it made his heart flutter knowing she’d want to see him again.

“What if I don’t?” he smirked.

“Then I’ll track you down, Hong.”

“Is that a threat, Green?”

“No, that’s a promise.”

Joshua’s face broke out into a smile as he nodded, “I’ll always come back for you.”

The sun was going to start rising soon, so Joshua knew it was time for him to go. He had to sneak into his own house, get some clothes and items important to him, and get back to Jaemin. That meant he had to wrap things up with Lilly.

“I really have to go now,” he sighed, the smile falling.

“I’ll see you again,” she reminded him.

“You will,” he promised, another smile -- this one smaller -- forming on his lips. “I’ll miss you, Lilly.”

“I’ll miss you, too, Josh.”

Joshua leaned in and pressed a soft kiss to her cheek before moving to get up. However, he was stopped by a tug on his wrist. He looked back at Lilly in confusion.

“If this is the last time I’ll see you for a while,” she began, “you better kiss me properly.”

If there were butterflies in his stomach just from knowing Lilly wanted him to come back, he wasn’t sure what was happening inside him now. He was, however, very aware of the loud, happy grumble that came from his chest. It made Lilly laugh while his cheeks heated up in embarrassment.

Lilly’s hand cupped his cheek before leaning in, her lips pressing against his in a sweet kiss that Joshua immediately melted into, a purr resonating in his chest that had the girl smiling against his lips.

“Go,” she chuckled when she’d pulled away. “Take care of yourself.”

Joshua nodded, still slightly in a daze as he stood up, “Y-you too.”

And with one final glance over his shoulder, he was gone out her window.

Joining Jaemin’s pack was one of Joshua’s biggest regrets. Jaemin and the four other boys he led -- more like manipulated -- only made his anger management and bad habits even worse. They taught him to do things he shouldn’t, they encouraged him to lash out, and they overall just didn’t care about him or his wellbeing at all.

The one thing that reminded him to not completely lose who he was, was Lilly. He’d continue to go to the edge of town, following the pull he felt to her to watch her. She never knew he was there, but just seeing her was enough to remind him of who he was, where he came from, and the kind of person Lilly saw and loved him as.

Thankfully, Joshua didn’t stay with the five boys for long. It was only a few years before they turned on him and he had to wander aimlessly for somewhere else to stay.

And that was when he met Beom.

She was short, old, and round, and walked around with a walking stick that was even taller than she was. The energy she radiated was kind, and her personality was no different. He didn’t know how or why, but when he found her house, she was already standing in the open doorway like she expected him and knew he wasn’t any threat. Beom was strange, but she was the nicest person he’d encountered since Lilly.

While Joshua stayed with Beom, he met other werewolves that the strange old woman knew. They helped Beom around the house and protected her, and in return, she cared for them and fed them and gave them what they needed up until they went off to travel. Then it was just her and Joshua.

However, in the back of Joshua’s mind, he was always counting down the days to Lilly’s birthday when she could legally leave her family and be with him instead. He would still lurk around the edges of town and check up on her because he just couldn’t stay away from her.

Beom quickly picked up on this.

“She’s your mate,” the elderly woman stated, a small smirk on her face when Joshua has shown up at her house after his daily stakeout.

He paused, giving a quizzical look in her direction, “What?”

“The girl you go to see,” Beom clarified, her eyes moving from where she was looking at the stove to finally meet Josh’s confused look, “she’s your mate.”

“My what?”

“Your mate -- every werewolf has one. Fate brings the two of your together, and it’s a bond you can never get rid of. Once you’ve imprinted, you’re in it for life.”

“So...like soulmates?” Joshua asked.

Beom only nodded once before going back to cooking.

Curiously, Joshua walked over to her, “How do you...tell?”

“It’s something that happens as soon as you see them,” she began, stirring the pot of food she was making for the wolves. “All you can see is them. You just feel it in your heart when you look at them that they’re the one. It’ll hit you like a ton of rocks, Joshua -- trust me, you’ll know.”

Josh just frowned, figuring Beom must’ve been wrong, “But I didn’t feel any different looking at her before I left.”

“Do you not like being away from her?”

“Well...no, but I don’t like being away from my pack for too long, either.”

Beom scoffed, turning to look at the young werewolf, “That’s different from how you feel being away from her, isn’t it?”

“Because we’ve been friends since birth.”

Beom just chuckled. He seemed to have an excuse for everything she threw at him, but she knew better than he did -- she didn’t even have to see him look at the girl to know.

“You believe what you’d like to,” she told him with a happy sigh, turning back to the food, “but you should know, Joshua, that I’m never wrong.”

But Joshua hadn’t even known Beom for a few months, so he took that statement with a grain of salt, forgetting about it in favor of focusing on Lilly. He continued to watch from the outskirts of town, and he continued to keep track of days until he could see his childhood friend again, not once thinking about what Beom had told him.

But one day, the pull he felt to Lilly just...vanished. He continued to go to town to try to find her, but it was like she had completely disappeared off the face of the planet. So he eventually had no other choice but to give up.

Again, Beom noticed this.

At the time, it was just Joshua living with Beom -- though Seungcheol was the first to find Beom, but he was exploring off in other territories in hopes of finding the rest of his pack -- but two other wolves that she took care of, Minho and Oliver, would visit often. They all had known Josh was going off to the town he’d grown up in, but even the two other wolves grew concerned when they noticed that he wasn’t leaving everyday like he used to. Why would he suddenly stop? Did something happen? Did he have to lay low?

But Beom knew immediately what it must’ve been: the girl. Of course, her only assumption was that Lilly simply died. As far as she knew, that was the only way to get rid of the bond. But Joshua would’ve felt in his heart if Lilly died, and he seemed relatively fine. He didn’t look or act like he was experiencing horrible heartbreak, so what else could it have been?

Years went by and nobody knew what had happened. Joshua still thought about her everyday, wondering what happened to her. He eventually found his pack with Jihoon stumbling across Beom’s path when she offered him help when he was injured -- he definitely didn’t seem to want the help, but he warmed up to her -- with a panicked Seokmin sticking by his side. She had run into Jeonghan in town and just invited him back to her house for lunch because she just knew there was something special about him. With the three of them now in Beom’s care, Jihoon thought it best they try to find the rest of their pack and settle down somewhere. They moved out into a small cottage in town Jeonghan had been living in -- it was dangerous, but it was all they had since Beom’s was small with only one bedroom -- but would still check in regularly up until Jihoon decided to explore outside the town.

Seungcheol had known Beom years prior and had even lived with her for a long time. However, he had gone off to do some traveling of his own in hopes of finding a pack. Beom hadn’t heard from him in who knew how long, but he had finally returned with three members of his pack while Jihoon had taken Seokmin, Jeonghan, and Joshua off on their own adventures. Seungcheol, Wonwoo, Mingyu, and Hansol had decided to set to work on building a house in the forest nearby to live in, figuring living close to Beom would be good for them.

Once Jihoon had returned with his pack, plus Seungkwan now, they were introduced to Seungcheol and his pack, and they all felt connections to both alphas. So the construction of the house became an even bigger project.

And even bigger still once Soonyoung had shown up as the sun was setting one evening, begging for help because they’d gotten themselves into some trouble.

With the alphas content with their pack thus far, they continued building onto the house until it was completed. It took a lot of time and effort, but it was worth it. Plus, all of the tasks kept Joshua’s mind off of what had happened with Lilly. The little addition of the baby left at Beom’s door one night was even more distraction as the older wolves visited everyday to try to track down the parents and help care for the infant Beom named Soomin.

Still, he thought about Lilly every night before he went to sleep, wondering just what in the world happened to her.

And nobody except Josh and Beom -- and Oliver and Minho, who had already gone off together to travel -- knew that Lilly ever even existed.

However, there was a night where one of the two boys had gone to visit Beom due to an injury.

Oliver and Soomin were sitting at the table together, the teenage girl studying her books while Oliver sipped some team that the old woman had made him to help him heal. Suddenly, the wolf looked up from his tea that Beom had made him and set on the table, giving a confused look to the old woman who was standing at her small cauldron, “What’s that sound?”

“What sound, dear?” Beom replied, seeming unable to hear the odd sounds Oliver heard.

Soomin looked up at him before her eyes went out of focus while she tried to hear what Oliver had.

It wasn’t odd to hear the wind shriek outside, especially on a rainy night. However, this sounded different. It wasn’t the same kind of moan one would hear as rain rapped on the windows. This sounded far too human to just be the sounds of the wind that Oliver liked to listen to while Beom worked on potions and whatnot.

He heard it again, but closer now -- Soomin picked up on it now, too. This time, he was sure it was human. Concerned, Oliver got up from his chair at the table and walked over toward the door. He opened the front door and took a few steps outside, trying to listen more carefully; trying to hear for the same cries but also trying to use his sense of smell to see if he smelled anyone nearby.

Of course Beom had heard the shrieking, but she knew Oliver would no doubt go retrieve the person and bring them back if need be -- and much more efficiently than she ever could. Besides, she knew the forest near her house was safe and would keep the poor wanderer protected until it could manage to lead her to the cottage.

“She’s northeast from here,” Oliver murmured to himself as he tried to gather any more information before deciding what to do next. He turned his head, looking to Beom to see the hints of a proud smile on her face. “Should I go find her?”

“No, my dear,” Beom told him. She could hear the sprites and they promised to safely lead the wanderer to the cottage. There was no immediate danger, so there was no reason for Oliver to go out when he was already hurt. “The forest will lead her here. It always does.”

And it did. Oliver was standing by the window with Soomin standing beside him and straining her eyes in the dark. The pair were unable to focus on anything else until they were sure the human girl was safe. Oliver’s sharp eyes intently watched for any sign of the person he heard in the night. When a redheaded girl finally arrived, he was at the door before she could even knock.

“Beom, she’s here!” Soomin announced.

Beom opened the door after the first bunch of frantic knocks -- Oliver was nervous about scaring her while Soomin was slightly frightened the strange girl could be someone bad, so they let Beom answer the door. Before her stood a girl with coppery-orange hair that was soaking wet and dripping down her tattered dress. Her face was sunken in, and her skin looked unhealthily pale. Her green eyes looked back at Beom with fear, but just a tinge of hope in them.

“Please,” she breathed, out of breath from running, “you have to help me.”

Of course, Beom hurried the shivering girl inside, asking Oliver to grab her new clothes that weren’t sopping wet while Soomin immediately went to make tea without even being asked. Beom sat the girl down at the kitchen table, not worrying about the mud and water the girl was tracking in. She gave her a knitted blanket, wrapping it around the poor girl as Soomin offered her tea that would not only warm her up, but would definitely help her with the lack of nourishment she seemed to have.

As soon as Beom asked what happened, the girl didn’t stop talking. She explained the whole story: how she was waiting to become of age so she could run away with the boy she loved, but how the town found out he was a monster. So they put her to sleep and locked her away so he could never track her down to take her with him. She still wasn’t even sure how long she was asleep, but as soon as she woke up, she escaped.

That explained her appearance, at least. But...what kind of monster was this boy she spoke of?

“Which town are you from, little wanderer?” Beom asked her, sitting down in the chair to the girl’s right as she listened to the story and made sure she drank all of the magic tea.

“It’s not too far from here,” she said, both of her hands wrapped around the mug to put warmth back into her fingertips. “It’s just on the outskirts of the forest.”

“That’s the one Joshua’s from, isn’t it?” Soomin asked, listening to the conversation as Oliver prepared the couch for their visitor to sleep on.

The girl perked up, head whipping around to look at the werewolf, “Joshua?”

Oliver’s eyebrows furrowed, stopping what he was doing to look toward the kitchen, studying the girl, “Do you know him?”

Then it clicked in Beom’s head.

With a soft smile, the old woman brushed a strand of damp hair away from the girl’s face, “What’s your name, little wanderer?”

“Lilly.”

Then Oliver caught on, his golden eyes snapping to look at Beom with urgency in them, “Should I call for the pack?”

Beom only sat back in her chair, “He’ll be here soon.”

Which was true. As soon as Lilly woke up, Joshua would’ve felt the pull to her again, and Beom guessed that feeling the pull so suddenly once again would’ve woken him from even the deepest slumber. It had been years since he felt it, and he would be done waiting around to go back for her.

Sure enough, they soon heard, “Josh, slow down” being called outside.

The front door flew open, Joshua being the first inside. His black hair was dripping wet and hanging in his face, and he seemed to be in his pajamas since he only had pants on. His golden eyes almost immediately locked on Lilly sitting in the kitchen, and even though Beom and Oliver knew the girl was his mate without needing to see him look at her, it was absolutely solidified seeing the way he changed seeing her for the first time in so long.

“Josh!” Lilly cried, leaping up from the chair and running straight for Josh.

Any average person would’ve fallen over with the force she ran into his arms, but Josh hardly even stumbled as his warm arms wrapped around her waist.

The few of the pack that followed him there finally walked in, looking much like he did. Their eyes landed on the scene in front of them, seeing Joshua holding an unfamiliar girl so tightly, they were sure they’d fuse together. She was crying into his shoulder as he sniffled and let silent tears slide down his cheeks.

Josh didn’t even think twice about the only words he said. He thought he was never going to see Lilly again after the pull to her disappeared, and his emotions and thoughts were running so wild that he couldn’t form any other sentences. But this one summed up how he felt pretty well, anyway.

“I love you, Lilly. So much. I’m never letting you go again.”

Jihoon looked over at Beom, pointing at the couple in front of him, silently asking if this was the girl Beom had told him about behind Joshua’s back. Beom simply nodded with an almost smug smile.

It took a little bit for the two to calm down and let go, but even then, Josh was always touching her somehow. That actually became a habit when they were around each other, but nobody could blame them.

“It’s been about 60 years since you vanished,” Joshua had told her softly when Lilly had made a comment about not seeing him for ‘a few years’. “Actually, I think it’s been 64 exactly.”

Lilly stopped, eyes wide and mouth agape. They’d kept her sleeping in a basement for 64 years? She knew it was at least a few, but she didn’t think it was that long!

“For what it’s worth,” Joshua began with a playful smile, still holding both of her hands in his as her body was still cold from being lost outside in the rain, “you don’t look a day over nineteen.”

“Well...I’m technically not yet,” she realized. “They did that to me just before my birthday. I’m still eighteen.”

“No, you’re eighty-two,” Jihoon deadpanned before Seungcheol whacked him in the arm and scolded him for being rude.

Lilly was quick to adjust to her new life, though. It was easy with Joshua by her side, but she took a liking to the wolves very quickly -- and Soomin also became quite attached to the older girl since the only people she had in her life were an old woman and a pack of male werewolves. Lilly stayed at Beom’s with Josh for the first night, but Jeonghan had a big mouth and told the pack everything that had happened at Beom’s. By the next morning, everybody knew about this secret mate Joshua apparently had but never spoke of.

The younger wolves seemed the most interested in her, but everybody seemed to love her. She easily stepped up to the role of playing ‘pack mother’ even though it wasn’t a position she necessarily had to take, and like an older sister to Soomin. It was just something that seemed to naturally come to her.

There was a difference in Joshua, she noticed. If she thought Josh was mischievous as a regular human boy, he was down-right bad as a werewolf. He was reckless and thrill-seeking, but frankly, the things he did were pretty dangerous. He had a bad temper, especially after shifting, and it was hard for even Lilly to keep him in control.

A few years went by, and things stayed the same. Lilly took care of the pack like they were her kids, and the pack took care of her in return. Joshua got himself in just as much trouble just like Lilly remembered, but because he was a werewolf now, she found herself tending to more and more wounds of his than necessary.

Joshua was the type that didn’t think about repercussions or even if his actions would affect others. But after that day, he was different. It wasn’t just the awful depression that changed him, it was what he’d done that changed him. He wasn’t reckless anymore, and he wasn’t as carefree. He had become careful, but still kept his snarky “I don’t care” attitude. Because he really didn’t care. Without Lilly, he didn’t care at all.

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olivish · 2 years

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So here's my favorite picture from 3.02 and some of my random thoughts about the episode. In no particular order:

- Ruth is amazing! Her speech about leadership and service and love was spot-on and it resonated throughout the episode. And I'm starting to warm to the idea of her and Pike together. - I didn't think I could love Mrs. Headwood any more than I already did but that happy dance did me IN. I love this woman and I hope her husband isn't really gone for good. (She did tell Wilford that she "feels he is still with us." Hmmm...) - That EMP is really cool and I hope that's not the only time we get to see it. The resistance threw it out the back of the train, so maybe someone can pick it up and use it later in the season. Layton? (Dare I hope? Mel?) - If the EMP is used again, I kind of hope it's for communication/ navigation, rather than as a weapon. A pulse calibrated properly, at a particular frequency, might transmit crucial information, or perhaps act as a homing beacon. - On the subject of weapons, though: is anybody else nervous that Kevin dropped a reference to the Manhattan Project right around the time Layton found a survivor in a North Korean nuclear facility? Because I am very nervous. - This show is going to torture/spoil me with Alex and Ben, isn't it? It's hard to watch them both be so sad. They need hugs! Why can't Audrey snap out of her alternate personality for a minute and help these people? - Speaking of Audrey: She is *really* curious about Asha. I know I'm setting myself up for disappointment, but I'm hoping Layton's spiritual journey might pull Audrey in and give her a new direction this season. (But she probably just wants to gather information to take back to Wilford...) - Speaking of Alex: wow, she puts high expectations on herself. It's terrible she doesn't believe Ben when he says Melanie would be proud. She's only seventeen and she's got so many responsibilities towards the others, with no time to take care of her own needs. I really hope her pirate family gives her support and that she learns to accept it when it's needed. Again... hugs! - I saved my favorite part for last: Asha! What a cool character! I love how feral and raw she is. I LOVE her connection to Layton. "You pushed past what was safe or sane to rescue me," she says. She's grateful but she doesn't understand why. And Layton doesn't understand it himself. "I'm just glad I did," he says. This interaction brings to mind Ruth's words to Wilford about how true leadership is about self-sacrifice and love. You can't explain love, and you can’t predict it. (Remember how Wilford hates surprises!) - Did anyone else notice that Asha's room on the pirate train is marked, "Steward"? It reminds me of the pilot episode, when Ben asks Melanie if she had a rough day "stewarding the future of humanity." Between this and Asha wearing Melanie’s tank top, and sleeping in Melanie's bed, I think it’s safe to say there are some deliberate parallels. I wonder how far they will go... - Overall this was a good episode. Not much "happened", but I feel like the writers are laying the groundwork for things to come. I think, like Audrey, we're all wondering what Layton's strategy is for reconnecting the trains. At this point, I’m not sure he HAS a strategy beyond “surprise Wilford”, so here's hoping our pirates can put their six months of team-building experience to work, and come up with a plan, together!

#snowpiercer #snowpiercer spoilers

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cyokie · 2 years

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Xerxes or Oz 👁👁

Why not both? :D

XERXES BREAK

How I feel about this character:

I love Break! Though I will say that I think I love him a little bit less than the rest of the fandom. He's a very cool character, but in my opinion, he's one of the more trope-y ones...if that makes sense. Basically, I'm saying that I've definitely seen very similar characters all over anime/manga. But as with most PandoraHearts characters, he's unusually well-written and extremely well-done overall, so all his moments are super enjoyable!

All the people I ship romantically with this character:

Hmm. I used to think about shipping in PandoraHearts more often when I was younger (I first read the manga when I wasn't even a teenager yet). I definitely shipped Reim with Break, and I still think this would be cute. Their dynamic can get very fun and almost tsundere-like at times (lol)!

I used to ship Sharon with Break too, but though I still think their dynamic is cute, I know this makes some people quite uncomfortable. I also know that their relationship was canonically intended to be more familial, and that Break was canonically in love with Sharon's mother, Shelly. So do with that what you will.

My non-romantic OTP for this character:

Honestly, Reim and Sharon could work for this question too?? They're the characters whose relationships with Break are the most meaningful to me. So yeah, I guess them again.

My unpopular opinion about this character:

I'm not sure I have any super unpopular opinions about Break. Maybe just that I don't find him as interesting as a lot of other characters in the manga? I felt I was sort of able to predict the direction Jun Mochizuki went with his character/story, whereas this wasn't the case with a lot of the others in the main cast.

One thing I wish would happen/had happened with this character in canon:

Oof, this is a tough one too...I just wish there were more scenes expanding Break's relationship with Shelly.

- - -

OZ VESSALIUS

How I feel about this character:

LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE. MY BABY. MY BOY. Everybody who knows me is aware of this LMAO! Shut up about Oz Vessalius, they say. NO, I say.

In all seriousness, Oz is my favorite character of all time. I love PandoraHearts dearly for more reasons than I can say, but he is really part of what makes the manga for me. His character resonated so powerfully with me when I first read it and continues to do so to this day. He is such a nuanced, emotional, human character.

I always say PandoraHearts saved my life, but more specifically, Oz saved my life. He was so painfully similar to me when I first read the manga. I was going through a very difficult period of my life. Watching him become somebody who could believe in and accept love from those around him, as well as somebody who could come to love himself, was incredibly inspiring. He became a sort of role model, if you will--though it’s more complicated than that.

I am happy to say that today, I am more like the Oz at the end of the manga than I am like the Oz at the beginning of the manga.

All the people I ship romantically with this character:

I’m going to be completely honest with you guys: when I was a kid, I was a passionate Oz x Gilbert shipper. I know that nowadays, people are extremely uncomfortable with this (and understandably so). Outside of this, I really wouldn’t say I ship Oz romantically with anybody, except for maybe Echo?

I can’t fully get behind Oz and Echo as a couple for some reason, but if Oz needs to be with somebody, I think it should probably be her. The way they helped each other see themselves as human, the way they developed such an intense and intimate respect for one another...it’s very touching.

My non-romantic OTP for this character:

Oz and Gilbert, probably. Their relationship is insanely dedicated and resilient. Though they are “connected by their darkness,” as Gilbert says, they are a source of hope for one another throughout the manga. I think this is beautiful.

Oz and Alice could also count for one of these. I really don’t like Oz and Alice’s dynamic when seen through a romantic perspective, and I’m only able to truly appreciate their relationship when viewing it as platonic. I will say that due to slightly conflicting feelings about Alice’s character, I would prioritize Oz and Gilbert over her and Oz.

My unpopular opinion with this character:

I’m not sure I have one. I don’t think loving Oz is that uncommon of an opinion, lol.

One thing I wish would happen/had happened with this character in canon:

Hmm, I don’t know about this one, either...I think Oz’s story is very nearly perfect. I guess...I wish the manga had more directly addressed the toxic aspects of Oz, Alice, and Gilbert’s relationship?

Early in the manga, the trio’s relationship manifests in rather unhealthy ways. As they grow as people and learn to cope with their pasts, their relationship gradually becomes much healthier. Though this is certainly realistic, the manga never really tackles this concept head-on, instead just showing us the trio’s relationship in a more positive light later on.

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crimsonkenjii-writes · 3 years

Note

Can I request a giyuu x fem reader. Where reader is a pillar as well? Maybe lighting? Thank you🖤

Aaahhh my first ask! Thank you so much for your request ♡´･ᴗ･`♡

.・゜゜・　　・゜゜・．

Giyuu Tomioka x Fem!Lighting Pillar Reader

Spoiler Free

Synopsis: I’m just going to do some cute headcannons/drabble because I’m not too sure how to write a cute scenario out of this lolol hope you still enjoy it though :)

ˑ༄ؘ ۪۪۫۫ ▹▫◃ ۪۪۫۫ ༄ؘ ˑ ˑ༄ؘ ۪۪۫۫ ▹▫◃ ۪۪۫۫ ༄ؘ ˑ

Giyuu was a pillar before you, so when you first joined, Ubuyashiki introduced you to everyone. Of course everyone wanted to see what your moves were so you showed them.

A very loud clap of thunder resonates through the whole garden and a sharp, bright flash of lighting struck, causing most everyone to shield their eyes. Everyone was very impressed by your skill. No movement was wasted and your stance was perfect. It’s a no brainer why you became a pillar, you looked very capable.

You even managed to get a bit of expression out of Giyuu, he was shocked to see a small framed woman have such a loud and destructive breathing style. His eyes widened and his lips parted slightly when he saw you perform in front of everyone. Your stance and form just blew him away.

Some time later, Master Ubuyashiki assigned you and Giyuu to go assist other slayers who were having difficulty with a higher ranked demon. Ubuyashiki thought that both of your breathing styles would compliment eachother nicely and make you both stronger. Water is a very good conductor for electricity so your forms would most likely work well together.

At the battle, you and Giyuu see how well you both work together. You both understood each other very well and had little to none casualties. And Ubuyashiki was right, your breathing styles together were unstoppable. It made both of your attacks way stronger which made taking out the demon a breeze.

From then on, you both were assigned on mission together quiet a bit. This gave you both the opportunity to talk a lot and get to know eachother.

All of the other pillars were surprised how quickly and nicely the both of you got along. It shocked Shinobu a lot so she’d tease you saying that “you didn’t have to put up with Tomioka and could just leave him if you wanted to” of course you refused because you actually enjoyed Giyuu

Mitsuri would not stop shipping the both of you. Everytime she’d see you both arrive to a meeting together, she’d just squeal and blush and mutter to herself and Obanai. It was a little awkard at first but you guys got over it as it became the norm

After a long time of hanging out, you guys eventually became more than friends but didn’t really announce it.

One day Giyuu is assigned a mission from Ubuyashiki at a meeting and when the meeting ends you just kiss his cheek and tell him to come back safely and everyone is in absolute shock!

“When did this happen?!?!” “Eeehhh???? Tomioka of all people?!?!” “KYAAA THEY DID IT!!!” “Tomioka, how did you do it???” “Y/N, you sure about that???”

Both you and Giyuu kind of just said “eh you didn’t ask” when they all asked why you never told anybody lolol

How you both got together was kind of funny and cute. Giyuu ended up confessing first which was surprising. He always kept his emotions to himself and never allowed himself to waver. However, he thought you were too special to lose. He couldn’t risk your life being taken away from a demon without you knowing how he truly felt about you and how you made his heart race.

He was a blushing mess and couldn’t look you in the eye. He stuttered so much he couldn’t even finish his sentences. Luckily you were able to catch on to what he was trying to say and saved him from further embarrassing himself.

He looked absolutely stunning the day he confessed to you. His burning cheeks contrasted against his pale skin which made the pink hue stand out even more. The way his sapphire, blue eyes darted everywhere but still managed to come in contact with yours and melt both of your hearts. His touch was gentle and faint and his voice barely over a whisper. It really felt as if you two where the only ones in the world and time had stopped.

Because your both pillars, he knows that you’re somewhat at a higher risk of dying since you have to face higher ranked demons. He knows your capable of protecting yourself since you’re the Lighting Pillar but he’s still scared you might not return from a mission one day.

After any high risk mission or long mission (whether it was far away or was hard to stake out the demon) you both become very clingy and hold on to each other all night. This is the most affectionate and vulnerable Giyuu gets with you. He cuddles into you a lot and sometimes enjoys being the little spoon just so that he can be held by you. He praises how good you did on your mission and how happy he is you came back to him safe. He doesn’t say the words “I love you” much but he makes sure you know by saying how pretty you are, how proud he is of you, how great you are, how special you are to him, etc etc all that sappy stuff lolol

#demon slayer #tomioka giyuu #kimetsu no yaiba x reader #kimetsu no yaiba fanfic #kimetsu no yaiba #kny pillars #kny x reader #tomioka giyuu x reader #giyuu fluff #giyuu x reader

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twisted-imagines · 4 years

Note

Hello~! Can I request malleus headcanons with a s/o with a voice kink? Spice is preferred, but it’s up to you!

High time to water the crops, hehe~ It's pure spice, I can't perceive it any other way lmao

Please enjoy❤

S/O with a voice kink(NSFW)

Malleus Draconia🐲

• "Who goes there?" Those were the first words he ever said to you, surprised by the appearance of a human in that long-abandoned building. The fae who called you a "child of man", who had obsidian horns you had never seen before on anybody and was enveloped in a mysterious aura no matter where he went. You could never imagine he would become your significant other, who would calmly read his book beside you in the Diasomnia dorm's secret gazebo or take leisure walks around college grounds at night with you by his side.

• It was no longer strange for you to become intimate with him in the privacy of your own rooms because, frankly speaking, denying your attraction to him was impossible. Malleus was lovable and deviously alluring. You were enamored with him to the point the man could fluster you with just a few words. Or was it always your weakness?

• The bass resonated through your entire body and set it on fire every time he talked to you. Perhaps, Malleus didn't notice or didn't link it to his voice, the way you clenched your legs and fists tighter or covered red from head to toe. And maybe you were thankful that he didn't know about the ultimate weapon he possessed against you, your biggest weakness - his voice. You didn't know what he would do, if he was aware of the things it did to you, most likely he would never let you get away with it and so you tried your hardest to hide it.

• For example, not slip away from reality when he leaned down just to carefully whisper something to you.

"Oh, getting so bashful over a few sweet words of affection? It doesn't take much to make you happy, does it? Well, I like this trait of yours too, my lovely dove."

• Or not moan out loud when he talked dirty right next to your ear, while simultaneously hitting your most sensitive spot.

"You're a dirty creature, human. Moaning and crying for me like this, do you crave me that much?

Fine, beg nicely and I might consider helping you out with this little "predicament" of yours."

• And definitely not drool and get hot under the collar when Malleus, being the sweet and romantic boyfriend that he was, decided to read his favorite book to you, while you were seated cozily in between his legs. Alas, your understanding of 'cozy' was very different from listening to his velvety, mellifluous voice drop perfectly or pitch higher to suit the characters of the book, all the while being close to you, so close you could feel the tiniest vibrations. Head ditzy, you were drowning in the warm honey of Malleus' baritone, his voice instigating the most carnal desires and fueling gluttonous flames inside your body. The state you were in could be described with the only word - 'horny'. So no, you were not comfortable and wished he would do something, anything to end this torture.

He did not stop reading until the temperature of your body was unusually high and he could feel it even through your clothes.

"Darling, do you feel well?"

Gently bringing your face to his, Malleus observed you attentively. Your flushed expression alarmed Malleus, making him go straight into a protective mode, pointedly missing the very much obvious signs of your arousal. You could not allow it.

"Malleus, please~"

How could he ignore it now, that you've made it clear you were indeed lusting over him, enticing and provoking him with your forward acts, shifting to his lap, pressing your chest closer, letting Malleus touch and feel you.

"Oh, angel, you should have told me sooner. As per your request, we would have skipped the "boring book" part if you wanted to."

"No."

The man could no longer hide how amused he was. Fangs bared in a half mocking half happy smile. He definitely enjoyed where you were leading to.

"No?"

"It's not boring... I like your voice, Malleus. And when you're so close, I... Ah-"

Malleus was beaming. Your beyond embarrassed expression, the sweet confession, and the lewd little moans he earned in return every time his knee brushed against your core. All of this was his, for him only and he couldn't be more turned on at that moment.

"Ahaha, my darling, I'm very happy you decided to open your heart to me and reveal this little secret of yours. Making you happy and satisfied brings me happiness too."

His hands sneaking up your clothes, caressing your sides and slowly undressing you, made you arch further against him. You wanted nothing more than to lay bare before him, in all senses, and bask in his attention, chase after the burning heat of his hands bringing you relief.

"Don't worry, doll face, I will take the best care of you."

• Your hunch was right, after all. Never the one to withhold his thoughts from you, as long as you were willing to listen, Malleus became even more talkative with you. But a little change was due to be made: if he had something to say, now he would be right by your side, a breath away while using his huskiest, deepest voice on you.

• You wholeheartedly considered that your fae boyfriend was on a task to drive you completely insane with this abundance of fleeting touches, murmured praises, and words of affirmation. You hadn't even suspected, that Malleus even wished for you to cling and moan softly into his ear so nobody except for him could hear and do it so often. Apparently, you had experienced not even a fraction of his libido so far.

• Don't fret though, little lamb. He's been around long enough to be able to tell when you're at your limits and his teasing needs to stop, or maybe continue in his room. And by the time he finally brings you there, you're ready to beg just so he would fill you up already.

• Malleus has always been a very powerful being, but the power your "adoration" for his voice gives him, is something he hasn't experienced before. He's so full of himself, his cute human loves him so much and is so eager to keep him company, listen to him and make love to him. He has never paid much attention to his voice, but oh how proud is he about it now, words can't describe. While teasing you boosts his ego immensely, he's ready to indulge you at almost any time. If there's anything particular you want him to say, or bring some fantasy alive, roleplay with him or entertain you over the phone when you feel lonely, Malleus is up for it. Only the best for his significant other, best sex including.

• How about reading not just any book this time, but specifically a graphic one? Malleus is holding a book in one hand, reading a scene of heroes having passionate intercourse, while he fingers you with the other hand, his hot breath fanning your ear.

• You may hold just a little chat with other person, but if Malleus notices that they have that kind of voice that usually makes your legs quiver, he'll be on edge instantly. The fae is prone to overthink things, and you'll know right away what kind of thoughts go through his head when he suddenly enters the conversation, his voice just a tad bit higher for this volume to be considered normal. He can't make you listen to him only, what a shame, Malleus is not as delusional. He'll make sure to turn your attention to him as much as he can though, for as long as he holds the proud title of your boyfriend.

#twisted wonderland #twst #twisted wonderland x reader #twst x reader #twst imagines #malleus draconia #twst malleus #malleus x reader #diasomnia #mel writes #lemonade #diasomnia x reader

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nikibogwater · 3 years

Text

Bogwater’s Guide to Writing Platonic Relationships

Have a seat, dears, pour yourself a mug of cocoa, and let’s talk about writing for a bit. Specifically, writing emotionally intense, compelling relationships that are completely devoid of any romantic tension.

“Niki, those don’t exist! The only relationships that are truly intense and compelling are the romantic ones! Everybody knows that!”

*gently bonks you on the head with my magic scepter* NO. This is a common misconception that is perpetuated by media and especially fandom culture. And it stems from this bizarre idea that emotional intimacy must always equate with romantic intimacy. I have no idea where this idea got its start, but if you ask literally anybody who has experienced real, genuine friendship in their life, they will tell you it’s absolute nonsense. Just because you’re not doing the kissy-kiss with someone, that doesn’t mean you’re not emotionally intimate with them.

“But I don’t want any emotional intimacy without the kissy-kiss! It’s boring!”

Yeah, so, there’s a reason platonic relationships in modern media often feel less interesting than romantic ones, and it’s precisely because of what I said above. Media producers and many fic authors are skittish about showing platonic love with the same level of depth and emotional intensity as romantic, so it often ends up being somewhat watered down and simplified, to the point that it becomes a less interesting relationship. The only thing this does is perpetuate the idea that any and all emotional intimacy immediately implies romantic attraction (it does not) while also devaluing the very real importance of genuine friendship/familial bonds.

“Okay, but what if I just like romance better?”

That’s your personal preference, and that’s okay! Everybody has their favorite genres and tropes that resonate with them more than others. My personal favorite is Family, Found or otherwise (with a healthy dose of Hurt/Comfort on the side), but I can totally understand if romance speaks to you more. HOWEVER. This does not excuse writers and other content producers from low-key asserting that romantic relationships are objectively “better” than platonic ones. Hard fact of life: Nobody needs to experience romance, and even those who do experience it do so in different ways. But everybody does need to have emotional connections with other people through the bonds of friendship and family. Believe it or not, romantic love is not a universal experience. Platonic though? Everybody knows that one, and everybody needs it to be happy. To devalue it as a whole is to impose a toxic mindset that forces people to experience relationships in a very narrow and restrictive way.

Okay--*steps off my soap box and kicks it to the side*--now that we’ve established that friendship is important and should be given the same value that society gives to romance, let’s talk about a few ways to write intense and compelling platonic relationships!

Emotional Intimacy:

I’ve talked about this a lot already, but just in case some of you are confused, emotional intimacy is just when two people have a very deep familiarity and understanding of each other. They understand how the other’s mind works, and feel comfortable opening up to each other about their own stuff. Obviously, this is very important for any relationship, platonic or romantic, but writers will often limit such familiarity between characters to the romantic relationships. The first step to writing an interesting friendship is to not do that. Show that your platonic soulmates understand each other and are vulnerable with each other. Here are some easy ways to do that:

Character A knows all of Character B’s personal preferences--likes and dislikes, including small things like food, flowers, music, etc.

A can finish B’s sentences for them.

A is willing to talk about their feelings when B asks if they’re okay.

A and B trust each other and know the other always has their back

A and B will occasionally reference events in their shared history and even have inside jokes

A will seek B out for comfort when they are upset.

A and B almost never miscommunicate--they know what the other means when they say something, and will immediately notice if the other is acting strange.

A and B can communicate with each other silently, via subtle looks, eye movements, or gestures.

Selflessness:

To quote a grossly over-marketed Disney franchise, “Love is putting someone else’s needs before yours.” This is the simplest and also most accurate definition of love I’ve come across, and it is universal to all kinds of relationships. So in order to make your platonic relationship compelling, you need to show that the characters are willing to make sacrifices for each other--even big ones. Make sure this is a mutual exchange between both characters, because otherwise you risk making the relationship look a bit toxic. Here are a few of my favorite examples of selflessness between friends/family:

Character A willingly puts themselves in harm’s way in order to protect Character B.

A is always ready to drop what they’re doing and come to B’s assistance.

A and B regularly do small favors for each other without being asked.

A is always mindful of B’s needs and makes sure they’re taken care of.

A and B always do their best not to hurt each other, either physically or emotionally.

A is openly very worried whenever B is in danger and stops at nothing to help them.

Affection:

This is the part where most writers balk when writing platonic relationships. “They can’t touch each other!!! That’s sexy and weird!!!” No, it’s not. This idea that any and all signs of affection are exclusive to romantic relationships is toxic, and we need to wipe it from existence. Obviously there are different levels of physical intimacy, and some absolutely are exclusive to romantic relationships. Here’s a list of No-Gos if you want to keep a relationship completely platonic:

Kissing on the lips/mouth/neck.

Gazing deeply and silently into each other’s eyes for long periods of time for no other reason than to simply Gaze.

Doing the Do or otherwise touching each other in an explicitly sexual way (I feel like this one should be pretty obvious. Also wth guys, that stuff is grooooosssssssss 🤢)

Honestly those are the only ones that I can think of that are always exclusively romantic. Everything else requires pre-established context in order to be taken as such. So here’s a list of affectionate gestures that are totally safe for established platonic relationships!

Little forehead/cheek kisses.

Hugs--yes, even prolonged ones. Sometimes friends/family just want to hold each other for a while, and not in a sexy way.

Holding hands.

Leaning on each other.

Playing with each other’s hair or gently petting it in order to offer comfort.

Sleeping next to each other when circumstances require it (and neither of them makes any fuss over it)

Saying “I love you.” STOP MAKING THIS AN EXCLUSIVELY ROMANTIC THING, PLEASE, FOR THE SAKE OF ALL THAT IS PURE IN THIS WORLD!

Touching foreheads (my personal favorite of the lot!)

Maintaining prolonged eye-contact during moments of sincerity and communication, especially if Character A is trying to tell B something important.

Sweet little smiles, or other such soft looks of fondness

And many other gestures that I don’t have time to go over in this list.

Tip the First: When writing platonic affection, be sure to bear in mind your characters’ personalities and physical differences. For example, if Character A is significantly bigger and heavier than Character B, they probably wouldn’t be tackle-hugging B, because that would risk seriously injuring B. Different personalities also have different levels of comfort when it comes to physical affection. If you’re writing fanfic, it helps to revisit the source material and observe how the two characters interact with each other. And remember: just because two characters aren’t physically affectionate with each other, it does NOT mean they don’t have a deep and meaningful friendship. Also bear in mind that many people have different dynamics with different friends simply due to the way their personalities fit together. Not all of my friendships look the same, and it’s not because of insincerity on my part--I just have different interactions with different people.

Tip the Second: If you want the gestures of affection to really pack a punch, use them sparingly. Save your long, warm embraces for when the two characters finally reunite after a long separation. Have Character A take B’s hand only when they can sense that B is frightened and in need of reassurance. A “First Platonic Hug” scene can be just as sweet and feelsy as a “First Kiss” scene if you do it right! Also, don’t be afraid to talk at length about how a gesture of affection makes a character feel. Describe the warm fuzzies that bubble up in their chest when their friend/family member gives them a hug, wax poetic about how grateful they are to have said friend/family member in their life. Taking time to explore and dwell on a certain feeling should never be strictly reserved for the ones associated with romance.

And when in doubt:

Observe the professionals. Here are some fantastic platonic relationships from various pieces of media that I take tons of inspiration from:

Frodo and Sam from Lord of the Rings (especially in the books)

Jim and Toby from Dreamworks’ Tales of Arcadia series

Din and Cara from Star Wars: The Mandalorian

Lilo and Nani from Disney’s Lilo and Stitch

So in conclusion:

Listen, I get it. Romance is exciting and cute and sexy and very important in its own right, and society likes to beat us over the head with it these days. But I cannot impress on you enough just how vital platonic relationships are to living a good and fulfilling life. I am who I am today because of the family and friends who have helped me grow. Please don’t disregard it, whether in your writing or in your own life. Cherish friendship. Acknowledge the depth of your platonic feelings for someone. And writers, please don’t be afraid to express those feelings in your work. If we let friendship and family die, I can assure you, any potential for healthy romantic relationships will quickly follow suit.

#niki rambles #writing #fanfiction #long post

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tarotchariot · 3 years

Text

Return with past pick a card

Pick a card reading: Dealing with the hurt

“

This is a free pick a card reading for those going through a challenging or hurtful situation. I’m not certain how these will turn out, but I hope they bring some kind of clarity, peace or comfort to any of you. I understand that some may feel lost and almost begging silently for some help, yet not seeing anything to get advice or a sense of stability from again.

I will use 6 groups to choose from, believe it or not - simply because to me, 6 symbolises harmony and reciprocity. Please know that you are not alone, and something will find you in a wonderful moment.”

So moving on, please take a quiet moment and use your intuition (for example taking 3 deep breaths and clearing your mind, or envisioning a number perhaps)

And choose between the numbers 1, 2 , 3 , 4 , 5 , or 6

____________________________________________________

Group 1 :

Knight of water, The dreamer, Unity, 3 of air, synchronicity

Alright you guys, you had quite a few cards here. At first glance, it’s appearing like a new start is necessary. Maybe something didn’t go well at work or school, or what you thought was a solid and stable place has become uncomfortable due to someone in your vicinity.

It’s odd, it’s looking like someone wasn’t entirely truthful. The angels want to point out that there will always be light and dark.

Getting the vibe of feeling left out, not part of the group anymore. Or at least not feeling like you are. Maybe someone has literally excluded you or pushed you out because of something they see as “bad” in accordance to the groups beliefs or interests. I’m seeing a crisis of faith here.

There’s quite a few possibilities. I’m seeing, maybe for just one singular person that they have lost someone that mattered very much to them. I get such a playful and light hearted energy about the person. Whether you believe in life after death or not, if it were for certain a thing I could say one thing they would be saying to you, even now: Please laugh, have fun.There are so many things to be happy about.

There is a deep loneliness, and for that I feel for you, so much. Your Angel(s) are right next to you.

For others, feeling left out or excluded, most likely undeservedly. However, I’m getting the message that you are being guided to a new way of thinking and being, and to acknowledge that there is good and bad in everyone. No one is perfect, we each have our shadow. Please try not to take their treatment of you personally. It’s more to do with them, and not you. It is projection. It’s likely you have witnessed and seen who can be trusted and cannot. Run with that fact and hold the lovely one(s) close.

Those in this group are being guided extremely in the form of synchronicity. Please be on the look out for further advice, and insight through the following forms, and even more:

Music that really resonates Conversations you over hear Signs out and about Seeing a similar image many times Hearing the same kind of message similar times An idea keeps popping up in your mind Some of you may want to move forward with a creative project. It’s encourages as it will aid you in positively letting out your emotions. Not only that, it may be simple and overlooked, but simply by just spending time and being around any loved one or friend (not even talking directly about your situation) will give a small bit of peace and gratitude.

This is a signal of a new chapter, and you are guided to have the fun you are meant to have.

Hope that did somethin’.

-------------------------------------------------------------

GROUP 2:

Queen of earth, Page of air, Ace of earth, The miracle of forgiveness

There seems to be an issue surrounding give and take. Queen of earth talks about kindness, practicality and nurturing. It could also symbolise a mother, or someone who has motherly energy.

With the theme of pentacles, the material, and page of air here who seems to have a wolf around them, I wonder if you have been taken advantage of in the material sense (financially, physically). And it seems you are very aware of this, since forgiveness is the crux, and the advice. It’s like the more you get, the more they take.

I’m seeing there might be debt as well. I’m seeing someone here who has had to uphold a whole lot. You’re the kind that can make things happen. I’m also seeing great resentment, and that doesn’t happen from just anything. Yes, I can’t help but see someone else having a hand in your finances and do whatever they like, or did that in the past. Wasteful. Basically - it’s not fair and it’s cruel, because there’s something here that I see that you want to do, but this is getting in your way.

I’m seeing a talent in you that is not to be wasted. Know that it cannot be taken away - it is yours, and god given, No one can truly take what matters. The comment I receive from the angels is that the abundance for you will always come. What is truly yours and needed will always find its way to you. I feel a very powerful solidarity, independence and ambitious feeling.

Your future is yours, not theirs. Not anybodies.

I would like to also say, that despite this, there really is actually love still there. Whether you want anything to do with them in the future is another thing. You’re asked to (in whatever tiny way you can) try and understand them. Understanding is the first step to forgiveness. And forgiveness opens up doors and new energy for you personally.

I recommend that you try and understand the truth of forgiveness, and not just what you hear or see on tv, This could become something that actually drives you further.

I really see you as such an inspirational and strong person.

That’s what I see for you, thank you.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

GROUP 3:

Page of earth, six of earth, awakening, eight of air, take time to breathe

So here there are themes of feeling trapped, having to wait, unemployment/difficulty finding a job or career and possibly even being taken advantage of as a student or in a low level job as a trainee. Off the top of my head.

Patience is a big note here. Something is not happening as fast as you would like here, and I can understand how scary/stressful that can be. You might be scared about your security or future here. I’m seeing that you have put a lot of effort into this situation. I’m also seeing that maybe you have felt alone as well, hints of valentines keep coming up.

I’m seeing that you might be under a lot of scrutiny/judgement, so I’m wondering if you guys have been suffering in terms of anxiety or being just plain down, or more. If you have been struggling with confidence or motivation or anxiety, I encourage you see a professional or join a support group/forum online. Even talking things out in a journal can release a lot of that pent up energy,

I’m sensing a lot of pressure that you may be placing on yourself, and I hear the angels want me to say “Darling” withsuch love and care. Please give your worries to the angels. They say they will take care of them. And will take care of some issues.

Oooh, I am truly seeing so many pent up emotions that they encourage you get out - if you have to scream at the ocean, or in a car, do it.

Get it all out, empty your mind for some quiet time, and just be.

You will see the appropriate solutions at the right time, and as a result of taking your mind away from its current habits, you will be so much more capable of seeing them.

Please, give yourself a break. The angels want you to see just how good things are in some ways, and how much you may be focusing too much on others.

Take some time and be willing to see things differently, things can change just that much. The angels want to say how much they love you and adore you, feeling much love for you here. I hope you can feel the peace they want to send you in this writing. And you are capable of so much.

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GROUP 4:

King of water, The magician, Live your joy

With the king of water here, it’s showing you may be finding it difficult to trust people or life. What feels difficult here is that you may not be receiving the help or advice that you deserve and should be receiving as a default.

It might be showing that a paternal figure in your life is withholding themselves or even being manipulative. Basically, not being the role model they should be.

More than anything though, I’m seeing that you want to create something, something that really gives you joy, that truly speaks for you and is your honest expression. Which makes me think: perhaps there is someone who doesn’t like that. There is certainly an abrasiveness there.

For whatever reason, perhaps someone here doesn’t accept you, or your self expression, or whatever it is that makes you feel right.

When it comes to this, the answer is very simple. Choose to release those binds.

How, you ask.

2 things. simply practice this self expression or take part in whatever it is that you want - that will set the energy up. 2. raise your vibration. Do not involve yourself in the negativity, refuse to take notice of anyone elses expectations or judgements. in general have more fun, express gratitude, see the positive

Truly embrace whatever this is. If it has to be, let it be at night when others are asleep, and build your confidence. Change things bit by bit.

a few of you here may be psychic, or have a spiritual hobby or talent. Embrace this role, you are meant to be someone who spreads higher knowledge and support.

There’s someone I see that plain just doesn’t like change. But hey, since when did it have everything to do with them? never. This is you. The message I’m getting for you guys is: be proud. Be so darn proud of you. No one will ever be big enough to diminish you. You, in spirit, the divine part of you, will always be such a special and wonderful thing to behold. When you live your joy and your truth, you shine like no one else. Let this change you, shape you and gravitate towards joy no matter what this person, or people say. You can create the life you want.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

GROUP 5:

Three of fire, ten of earth, express your creativity

I’m seeing some distance with loved ones here. perhaps there has been a quarrel, a falling out. Or perhaps a family member has moved a fair bit away. I’m feeling a family or community that was once warm, has experienced some kind of change that has left you feeling quiet, humble and retrospective.

if this is not family, it could be a group of friends that felt like family, or a job where you felt like a family with the team.

I’m seeing for sure for some, that there was a blow up and the effects are still rolling. You may feel as if the effects won’t end, but it appears you will be left alone in that way for the time being. It seems very much on your mind.

It is really looking like the aftermath of a big storm here, a sweeping change or an eruption from an argument that has separated two or more people. For a couple of you it might have been triggered by something very small. I’m seeing a lot of hurt here, true heartbreak. Please know that there will be peace. Things always calm after a storm.

No one seemed to be necessarily right or wrong, it appears to have been something that simmered in the distance for a long time.

All I can say is now, you are on solid ground and it’s time to calm down from it all. Something the angels want to put forward is that the strangest things happen, and we may not understand for the longest time, but it triggers the right change for us, or sets us on a certain route for our most divine path.

I’m seeing the universe, and its connections and paths that we all take, that as humans we couldn’t understand. I do see that one day, when you are comfortable and feeling at home, safe (which I promise you will be) - you will get the zap of a vision. How things worked out. Why. What it led to.

Moving forward I can see the suggestion of working as a co creator and envisioning how you want things to go. What do you want for yourself, or you and your family. What kind of connections do you want. Be as creative and imaginative, and extreme as you want.

The message I get from the angels, again and again, is calm. Take time to be calm, cool down from it all, take a rest, and feel your angel/guide next to you, supporting you and shielding you.

------------------------------------------------------

GROUP 6:

seven of water, renewal, knight of earth, the inner voice

For some, I’m seeing being worried about the loyalty/faithfulness of another - the recommendation seems to be to look at the dedicated actions of the person. Do they display through action and practical means that you are their priority? (other than their purpose or work of course). Use this as an opportunity to both review if you feel you are receiving the level of dedication and care that you deserve and need.

Perhaps your person has been unfaithful in the past and you decided to give them another chance, but again, there is worry. There are too many factors that you may be holding onto from the past that have no part of the thought process you should be taking, or judging with currently.

So either way, it appears to be a time when you need to judge for yourself, are you able to trust the other or if this gives you what you need. Are you willing to go forward with it? Not just recklessly, not for the sake of it, but after great thought and deliberation.

For others, I’m seeing feeling at a loss as to what to do next in their life/career.I know all too well that this can feel scary and like a major crisis. Straight up, I can say from experience that the answers come gradually, and in a relaxed way in the right timing.

The guidance in both cases is to listen to your inner voice, your higher self.

I know, it sounds a bit annoying, or like it might not give you fast answers but it’s the way that you can feel confident in your own conclusion. It won’t come from anyone elses judgements, words or coercion.

Come to a point where you know you, you know what you want and need, and you only accept the right things.

When it comes to making your decision or conclusion, you may need to discern whether this comes from the angels or higher self, vs the ego. If it comes from the ego, it will speak in terms of winning, of gaining something, or appearing a certain way. If it’s from spirit, it’s often for the highest good of everyone involved, is sympathetic, loving and understanding. It does not judge, only seeks to help.

I would like to affirm for everyone here, that there is much love for you here. And let everything you do, be because of love. Of yourself, and others.

Thank you.

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“Wowwwww that was a lot. Guys, I hope that helped in some tiny way.

I do this simply out of love. I wish you all the best.”

(A copy of an old pick a card reading by myself, not shown on this account until now)

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stardustryewriting · 3 years

Text

A Learning Process (1)

AO3 Link: here

Synopsis: Bakugou isn’t exactly in touch with all of his feelings. Kirishima usually doesn’t mind. At least not, until Bakugou starts to get weird around him.

Part 2 3 4 5

Observational Learning

Contrary to popular belief, Bakugou didn’t mind his class all that much. He had called them ‘extras’ a lot, when school had begun, but that was mostly because he was really bad at remembering people’s names. All in all, they were a decent bunch, some of them really strong, some of them aiming really high and all of them very determined. He could appreciate that, at least.

What he couldn’t appreciate, however, was their tendency to get involved in all kinds of gossip. Or, to be more exact, how loud they tended to be, when they found a particularly interesting piece of gossip. Getting mixed up in other people’s business was their thing. But being obnoxiously loud about it and basically screaming their findings to each other in the classroom, got him involved too. And he hated being involved in anybody’s business.

People told him - quite often actually - he eluded an aura that made him unapproachable. That he always seems like he was going to snap and scream at someone. That really, people only asked him for help, when every other possible choice was eliminated prior. Which was mostly bullshit, of course. Kirishima asked for his help all the time, without ever being scared of him. And he only really snapped when people got on his nerves for too long. Or when Deku was involved, which was the same thing really. Deku just got on his nerves a lot faster than other people. Still his ‘aura of unapproachable’ kept him from being involved in most of his classmates shenanigans.

Most, being the key word.

No matter how much he scowled, how much he glared or how annoyed the undertone in his voice got when he told them that ‘No, he did not care at all. He doesn’t give a rats ass about it.’ , none of this helped against Kirishima’s sunshine declaration of ‘They are finally, officially together’. Because, of course Kirishima doesn’t care about Bakugou’s obvious bad mood and his blatant disinterest on the topic. He never did. It was one of the main reasons why they were as good friends as they were. It was also annoying Bakugou to no end, at that moment.

“And who cares?”, he grunted, throwing his shoes up on the table and looking out of the window to drive to point home. And really, it spoke for the general mood in the class right now, that Iida didn’t even try to reprimand him for that. Usually this would be the start of an argument on being proper and respectful. An argument that both Kirishima and Deku would try to keep on the down low, by trying to mediate between the two. But right now, Iida’s attention was all taken by trying to calm the ruckus and getting everyone to sit down, before Aizawa would come in to start homeroom. For once, Bakugou could agree with Iida, even if he would never say it out loud. They were too damn noisy.

“You can’t be serious!”, Kirishima exclaimed and even without looking, Bakugou could tell that there was a big smile on his lips, “Todoroki and Midoriya danced around their feelings forever. This is a big development!”

“It’s two dudes kissing! No need to make a spectacle out of it!”, he retorted, shooting Kirishima a look which he hoped conveyed just how done he was with this. Ever since these two had shown up holding hands that morning, it was the only thing on everyone's mind. And after Todoroki had stated, in a very blunt way that only Todoroki could do, that yes they kissed, the whole class just exploded with euphoria. As if it was their personal accomplishment. Which it wasn’t, Bakugou wouldn’t even call it much of an accomplishment at all. It would have happened eventually, anyways.

“Well it was a long time coming!”, Kirishima argued back like it was his personal mission to make Bakugou see just how important this was, “You could at least be happy for your friends.”

“They’re not my friends!”, Bakugou argued instantly, before Kirishima got some other weird ideas in his head. Hell would be frozen over, before he called Deku his friend. He was just about to tell that to the dumbass next to him, when the classroom door opened, revealing Aizawa.

The man looked way too tired and done for a Tuesday morning, but today Bakugou resonated with that on a deeply personal level. He too wished that this entire week was over already, in hopes the waves of euphoria from the ‘news’ will have died down by next week. Realistically, he knew the chances were slim. He refused to think about that. Aizawa somehow managed to get all of the class to their seats and be quiet with just one look, so really Bakugou was mostly grateful for him that morning.

That gratefulness lasted exactly two minutes, before Aizawa announced another field-trip-turned-training-exercise. At least he had a month to mentally prepare himself for that.

__________________

That fact that he would need to prepare for that field more than just mentally, didn’t hit him until lunch break. And to be fair, he wasn’t really thinking about it then, either. He was actually just about to take a bite out of the Onigiri from his bento (that he had made himself and no, he wouldn’t make one for anyone else, no matter how much they begged), when Kirishima interrupted his peace yet again.

Bakugou couldn’t say he liked that tendency.

“Shit guys, does anyone have bug spray?”, he asked, mouth full with his sandwich, which honestly irked Bakugou even more than the question itself. Had no one ever taught this guy basic table manners? The answer was apparently no, no one ever bothered. Or maybe it just was a thing in their group, because both Kaminari and Sero also had their mouths full, when they exclaimed that no, there was no bug spray to have between them. Which was a stupid thing to be that aggrevated about.

“What do you need bug spray for anyway?”, Bakugou mumbled, after swallowing and he could already feel himself getting annoyed. What a stupid discussion to have over lunch, really.

“The training camp?”, Kaminari stated, his voice getting higher at the end, even though it clearly wasn’t phrased as a question, “I can’t have the mosquitos eat me up again. I swear, I’m just too damn cute.”

“Questionable”, Jirou said, wholly unimpressed by Kaminari getting mad at her and instead just opting to continue eating quietly. When she even got to their table, Bakugou had no idea.

“He is not completely wrong tho”, Kirishima said and Bakugou could see Kaminari in the background puffing out his chest and raising his chin, proudly. As if the idiot had any justification for being proud. He just stated a simple fact. “We do need bug spray for the mosquitos.” Kaminari visibly deflated at that. Bakugou, on the other hand, could feel his anger rising. Did that idiot really think Kirishima would agree that he was cute?

“Just go shopping then”, he said, just wanting to end this damn discussion. It wasn’t even useful, with the answer lying so obviously within reach. They all just liked to make a big fuss out of nothing. Exactly like that same morning.

“Can’t”, came a chorus of answers from all around their table with various excuses. Jirou had study sessions with Yaoyorozu. Kaminari booked the training hall, surprising everyone. Bakugou didn’t really care.

“I have time. Want me to get something for you guys?”, Kirishima volunteered starting what was possibly the worst verbal onslaught happening that day. Which said something, considering the ruckus these idiots had made that morning. Kirishima dealt with it very patiently tho, writing down who needed what. Which proved that Kirishima was way more organised than Bakugou would have given him credit for.

“Do you have anything planned this afternoon?”, Kirishima asked, with a strange undertone to his voice, that Bakugou couldn’t quite place. He could however think of where this question was headed. And he was quick to shut it down.

“I’m not going shopping with you!”

“Aw, c’mon man. This’ll be fun”, Kirishima argued, shooting Bakugou his best open-mouthed smile, presenting all of his teeth. If he thought that would sway Bakugou’s decision, he would need to think again. No way would Bakugou cave that easily.

“Find someone else.” And then to signal that this talk was really, completely over, Bakugou took another bite of his food. Kirishima just winked at him, unbothered by Bakugou being the way he is and instead turned around in his chair to face the table behind them. Oh no.

“Hey, Midoriya”, he shouted, which was unnecessary, because Deku was two arm lengths away at best, “where did you buy that super good bug spray again? You know the one you had for the last training camp.”

“That was Uraraka’s. She bought it at the mall. I don’t know the name of the shop, but I can show it to you. Are you free this afternoon?”, Deku answered, ever the helpful idiot that he was. Well, at least Kirishima found his shopping buddy. And Bakugou could be at peace.

“Sure am, thanks. Meet in front of the store at 3:30? I’ll bring Bakugou.”

No, he sure as hell wouldn’t. Bakugou was quick to voice that.

__________________

The question ‘How the hell did I get talked into this?’ went through Bakugou’s mind approximately a thousand times, between leaving the dorms and arriving at the shopping center. Which was impressive, because the way had only taken them fifteen minutes.

Fifteen minutes that Kirishima had filled with bright chatter, either blissfully oblivious to Bakugou’s mood or willingly ignoring it. He would regret this for sure. Bakugou would make him regret it. Later. For now, he was content to just listen to Kirishima chatter about anything and everything that came to his mind. It wasn’t the best use of his time, but it wasn’t the worst either. Not that he would ever admit that.

And so, while Kirishima’s chatter became a pleasant buzz in the back of his mind and Bakugou was starting to think about what he would need for their next training camp, he felt himself being more calm than he had been the entire day. Which wasn’t hard, not with the day he had, but it was still nice.

It was promptly taken from him.

Crossing the last traffic light separating them from the shopping center, where Deku was already waiting for them, he saw something. Something that made him want to turn around and go home again. To hell with Kirishima not wanting to go alone, that was no reason why he should subject himself to what will essentially be an afternoon of torture. There was no way Bakugou would just accept this like it was nothing.

Deku brought his fucking boyfriend.

“Midoriya, Todoroki”, Kirishima shouted happily, being way more enthusiastic than he had any right to. He sped up, holding up one of his arms to wave at them, which Deku promptly returned just as enthusiastic. Todoroki gave a way more timid wave and Bakugou decided he wouldn’t bother at all. No need to fake friendliness. Or that he wanted to be there.

“Kirishima, It’s good to see you”, Deku greeted, as if they hadn’t just spent hours at school together and Bakugou felt like punching something again. Why did he always feel to need to use those overly polite yet completely unnecessary phrases? Why couldn’t the idiot just be normal.

“We just saw them at school”, Todoroki pointed out and Bakugou would have nodded to agree with him, but he had his pride. No way he was going to openly agree with Deku’s boyfriend on anything. Even if it was criticizing Deku. So while Deku explained to his socially stunted boyfriend what a polite phrase was, which somehow developed into a discussion about whether or not those were time wasting ( Yes, they are, Bakugou wanted to shout, but that would be admitting to listening in on their conversations.), Bakugou started one last try to get away from all of this before it became even more of a waste of time.

“Hey Kirishima”, he addressed the boy, who looked at Deku and Todoroki with something close to a fond smile, “have fun third-wheeling on their date. I’m going home.” And with that he turned his back, hoping to get out before Kirishima could make an argument against it. A futile hope, really.

“No, come on, Bakugou”, Kirishima said in a voice that sounded an awful lot like begging, so much so, that it made Bakugou stop midstep, “I didn’t know he would bring Todoroki. Please don’t leave me alone, I don’t wanna be a third wheel.”

“And how am I supposed to help that?”

“Simple”, Kirishima, who walked around so he could face him again, smiled at him like he was the fucking sun himself, “You stay here with me, so I don’t feel left out all the time.”

“And why would I do that?”, Bakugou inquired, feeling how he got closer and closer to yelling out his frustrations. It was Kirishima’s stupid idea to go shopping with Deku, so Kirishima should be the one dealing with all of the consequences. By himself. He had no right to involve Bakugou in this.

“Because we’re friends?”, Kirishima argued, but Bakugou could tell by the way he winced at himself, that he wasn’t convinced by his own argument. He shouldn’t be. Since when did friendship mean having to subject himself to the drama that Kirishima essentially brought over himself. Old Bakugou would have laughed at him and went on his way.

But old Bakugou wasn’t really hero material. Old Bakugou also wasn’t Kirishima’s friend.

“Fine”, Bakugou grunted and Kirishima’s lit up immediately, “but you owe me.”

“Sure.” Kirishima smiled easily leading him back to where Deku and Todoroki were waiting for them, obviously finished with whatever they were doing. At least Deku had the decency to look ashamed and apologize for getting off-track (wasting their time, if you asked Bakugou). Kirishima waved the apology away and they finally got started shopping. Bakugou couldn’t shake the feeling that this was gonna be a long afternoon.

__________________

He was right, of course.

Todoroki and Deku continued to flirt incessantly. Bakugou had a burning pain in his eyes from rolling them too much and a new record in fake-gagging. Kirishima always reprimanded him for the last one. The idiots in question seemed painfully oblivious to their flirting, which made it that much more irritating. They promised they would stop everytime and then they just continued. Bakugou was about ready to scream the entire mall down.

Kirishima took it all way too lightly, in his opinion. He smiled at them gleefully and he even had the audacity to defend them, when Bakugou complained. Don’t you think it’s nice to be that in love? No, he didn’t. It’s annoying to be that in love as Kirishima put it. Could you even be in love after not even 24 hours of dating? Fat fucking chance.

“Get me some food, before I blast this entire mall down”, Bakugou grunted out, eying Kirishima dangerously. He wouldn’t actually do it, but if a threat got him some distraction, he wasn’t above using it.

“Sure thing”, Kirishima agreed, asking for preferences, before he went off. Deku accompanied him - not without making heart-eyes at Todoroki and only reluctantly letting go of his hand - and Bakugou didn’t even fight the urge to roll his eyes. Damn nerd being dramatic. Todoroki shot a knowing smile his way that only angered him more.

“What are you smirking about?”, Bakugou asked, very clearly hearing the annoyed undertone in his voice that failed to deter Todoroki. Like it always did.

“I don’t know. I just like the double date.”

“THE WHAT?”, Bakugou screamed, turning several heads towards them, none of which he cared about. What did the half-n-half-bastard just call this? He was sure he must have misheard. That, or Deku’s boyfriend had a very urgent death wish. One that Bakugou wouldn’t mind granting him, right now.

“Double date. Isn’t that what you call it, when two couples spend time with each other?” He had a death wish, Bakugou determined. There was no way he was really that dense. Out of the corner of his eyes, he could see Deku and Kirishima running towards them. They better be there fast, or there would be a real fight between him and that bastard.

“This is not a double date”, he gritted out, looking at Todoroki, daring him to disagree. Unfortunately, Kirishima was there faster than he expected, Deku on his heels. This was a disaster waiting to happen.

“Guys, what’s wrong, you’re making a scene”, Kirishima whisper-shouted when he arrived looking between them, as if he could get the answer from that. Instead of answering Kirishima - or focusing on his boyfriend like he had the entire goddamn afternoon - Todoroki decided to continue his chat with Bakugou.

"It feels like a double date to me", Todoroki said, ever the blunt one and Bakugou felt himself slowly losing it. Actually, not so slowly.

“What?”, Kirishima questioned, clearly caught off-guard.

“Shoto!”, Deku exclaimed at the same time, cheeks red and trying to get his boyfriend to pay attention to him again. Probably to dissolve the tension building between him and Bakugou. Bakugou for his part was ready to fight the bastard seriously.

“That’s not it at all! Bakugou and I aren’t dating”, Kirishima hurried to explain, putting himself between Bakugou and Todoroki while doing it, “We’re just friends. Nothing more to it.”

And that struck something deep within Bakugou. Something unpleasant, that he already hated, despite experiencing it for the first time. It was weird, nothing out of the ordinary happened - despite Todoroki’s absurd claim of course. Still he could feel his insides twisting, like someone plunged a knife in his gut. Instinctively he looked down to check, but saw nothing but his shirt. Weird.

He heard Deku and Kirishima try to explain the situation to Todoroki, but it was off. As if they were far away, instead of standing right in front of him. He caught a glance of Kirishima awkwardly rubbing his neck, while talking, Bakugou could see his mouth move, but he couldn’t make out the words. Like something was covering his ears. Kirishima smiled and his stomach twisted again.

He felt like he was getting sick.

“I’m out”, he said, not bothering whether or not they could hear him and then he swiftly moved. He needed air, to clear his head. And he needed to investigate their weird feeling in his stomach. That apparently correlated with Kirishima. Which could mean a lot of things.

It could mean anything, he tried to tell himself, while he made his way outside as fast as possible without his explosions accelerating him. He didn’t have the clear head to use them for that purpose right now.

It could mean anything, he told himself, when he heard Kirishima calling after him, a concerned undertone in his voice, that made Bakugou want to turn around. He wanted to snap, that he could take care of himself. He wanted to bathe in the knowledge that Kirishima cared for him.

It could mean anything, he insisted, when he finally made it outside and his feet automatically dragged him to the station. He took a deep breath, that helped exactly zero percent in the quest to clear his head and then he fiddled with his phone. He desperately needed the distraction.

It could mean anything , he reminded himself later that night, after Kirishima had dropped off his forgotten shopping bags and asked if he felt alright. Bakugou told a half-lie about an upset stomach and Kirishima offered to make tea. Which he declined, because he could take care of himself, thank you very much.

Kirishima had brought up some tea anyways, paired with some bread because it was safer not to risk upsetting his stomach anymore. Then he told Bakugou to just knock on his wall if he needed anything else, like the considerate idiot he was. He gave him a big smile before he left, one which twisted Bakugou’s stomach again, but it was also accompanied by a squeezing feeling in his chest this time. And Bakugou wasn’t an idiot, he knew these signs, when he saw them.

It could mean you have a crush, a traitorous voice in his mind whispered. Bakugou hated himself, for how much he actually considered the possibility.

#mha #bnha #bakugou katsuki #kirishima eijirou #kiribaku #shoto todoroki #midoriya #midoriya izuku #side tododeku

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heyhihellowhatsup0 · 4 years

Text

Tangled Webs - Chapter Five (Peter Parker x Reader)

Dark Webs Masterlist | Tangled Webs Masterlist

Warnings: Angst, language, Smut (smut in this chapter!), Topics of death and depression, PTSD, more angst, violence, a bit more fluff and smut than the last series? Somewhat ignoring the MCU timeline due to mature content

Word Count: 5922

Summary: After doing your best to walk on eggshells around Peter, you finally reach the boiling point as you and him face (most) of your drama head on...

A/N: I am so sorry this took so long to post! But trust me, I think this chapter is worth it! There’s a lot of angst but some smut as well so I hope you guys enjoy this! I’m nervous af so please let me know what you guys think! Your sweet words and comments always make me smile! (Also I found this .gif on google, so if you made it, or know who did, let me know and I will credit!) Thank you xx -N

Local deli, ‘Delmars Delicatessen,’ was robbed early yesterday morning, leaving the owner minorly injured. Sources say the burglar managed to steal over $25,000 in cash from a cash safe in the back room. Officials have no word on how the burglars were aware of such a safe in the first place but suspects as of late are currently former employees.

The only identification of the potential burglar is that it was female. The woman who robbed the store managed to stun the owner with a taser and left him on the floor as she cracked the code to his safe and left him.

Spider-Man was not on scene during the robbery, making it the first actual successful burglary since the start of these random acts. Officials stated that the webbed avenger was off securing the Hudson River from a potential attack; making the burglary an open opportunity.

The Queensboro Police Department announced that they will be on high alert in the area in regards to catching the female burglar. The descriptions of the woman are currently nondescript, as she was wearing a blask mask and had no distinctive marks.

The previous five attempted burglaries within the Queensboro and Forest Hill area were all brought in to authorities by Queens’ very own, Spider-Man. There has been no comment or any sort of proclamation by any authority that any or all of these burglaries are related. However, locals have taken to believe that they are and are doing whatever they can to feel safe.

Spider-Man has released an exclusive statement with The Daily Globe saying he will be on a watch of his own to capture this masked woman in order to bring her in.

You tensed as you stared at the cover story with a wary look. You never had to write a news story about yourself before and it wasn’t a good look at that. You felt as if you were about to throw up and the worst thing was that Peter had no idea you wrote this about yourself.

A bad thing was done. A really bad thing. And you were the one responsible. You hurt a man who has never done any harm to you. A man who always treated you and Peter well whenever you went to visit him and his shop. And what you did to him last night was completely unforgivable.

You weren’t in control and you knew that. But it was still your body and you had to take responsibility for your body. Your hands being the only ones who put that mask over your eyes last night. Your feet being the ones who ran all the way to Delmars before it opened. Your fingers pushing the trigger of your taser gun to stun Mr. Delmar right into his side. Your leg being the one that kicked the safe open with your new strength, grabbing everything inside and using the same exact legs to run out of there before the sun came up.

You did as you were told but it was still you. And now because of that, you were wanted.

It wasn’t surprising that when Peter came home, he came home with a story for you to write. He just had no idea it was your story. He knew you needed a story for the Daily Globe and were doing so well covering these random robberies, he wanted you to spread the word to everyone in the city. It resonated with Peter a lot and you could tell how much this hurt him seeing his friend going through something like this. All because of you.

Peter wanted to find this person, you. He came home with such defeat, which was why he wanted you to write this story so badly. To scare the one who robbed Delmars that Spider-Man was looking for you. And he wasn’t going to rest until he brought you to justice.

You were also a reporter and you had a job to do. You couldn’t stop writing about the news because you were the news. And you had a reputation to uphold so you knew you couldn’t lie about what Peter had seen, that wouldn’t help anybody. The only thing you could do was withhold information that only Peter knew. The information Peter found out that the authorities wouldn’t believe. The corrupt or cons going on that Peter brought to justice.

And now you were part of that category, weren’t you?

You could barely even look at the article, or Peter reading it from across the table as he sipped on his coffee. The look on his face was something that he was proud of you, but you knew that if he knew the truth that he would be nothing but disgusted and horrified by you.

It didn’t help that you couldn’t tell him either. You couldn’t risk it after learning what Octavious would do to Peter if he found out. You already had so much blood on your hands as it was, Peter’s sure as hell wasn’t going to be one of them. Throughout all of this, you had to keep him safe no matter what.

Your hand went to your chest, holding your spider-web pendant against your palm as you watched Peter’s reaction as he continued to read, “I hope I covered everything,” you told him with an unsteady voice.

“You said it better than I did,” Peter told you, giving you a somewhat sigh of relief as he put the article down and gave you a proud smile. There wasn’t anything for him to be proud of though as you sat there awkwardly as he leaned over to kiss you cheek to let you know how he felt, “This is going to nail that woman to the wall, I know it,” he added lowly.

Nearly choking on your coffee, you let out an awkward laugh as you nodded your head. How could you even respond to something like that without sounding suspicious? Or without Octavious listening in and threatening you again that he would kill Peter. Because you knew he’d be listening in.

“Peter, are you sure that this was a good idea? How do you know that whoever this woman was hasn’t already fled the country? Or how do you know that she isn’t looking for you too?” you tried. You knew Peter could sometimes let things get to him a bit quicker when they were so personal to him. And you were hoping to maybe knock some sense into him to stand down a bit while you waited for Octavious to finish using you for whatever he needed you.

Peter scoffed as he grabbed his EDITH glasses, flashing you a cocky smile, “Y/N, please. I’ve seen her type thousands of times. The day I can’t handle an armed robber is the day I really do retire and go to that lake house,” he said to you as he tipped his head close to yours and captured your bottom lip.

Kissing him back, you tried not to make it obvious how nervous you were with him finding out the truth. What if he figured it out on his own? There was no way in hell that you could lie to him about it if he did. You worried about Peter constantly and now you were worried about him even more because you were afraid that you were going to hurt him. Both emotionally and physically.

“I’m so proud of you, Y/N,” Peter answered as he pulled away from the kiss, pecking your lips once more before he started heading down to the gym to practice, “Like I say, I’m just your henchman, right?” he laughed into another kiss as he slid his EDITH glasses up the bridge of your nose.

You mustered up a nod, “Love you,” you told Peter as you sent him towards the elevator to head out for the afternoon, leaving you face to face with the hack job of an article you had written.

It stared back at you like it had fangs and red eyes, like it was evil. And suddenly, you felt that way about yourself. Rereading the words you used to describe yourself; you read over again how many people were looking for you and how severely you hurt Mr. Delmar. And you had no idea what that sweet man had anything to do with Octavious’ plan.

What else was he going to have you do? Or who else was he going to have you hurt? You had a horrible feeling he wasn’t going to be done with you any time soon and that made you feel even more sick. Not to mention, based off the transmission you weren’t supposed to receive the other night during Peter’s mission, you knew Octavious wasn’t working alone; and there were things, bad things, that he didn’t want you hearing. At least not yet.

After staring at the paper for so long, you grabbed it and ripped it in half, flinging it across the room as if it were confetti. You couldn’t look at the mess you made anymore because the thoughts of what was going to happen next were too upsetting. You knew it would be inevitable before the next and you were only getting stronger. You didn’t know what you were capable of anymore.

“You did a stupendous job, sweetheart,” Octavious’ voice came through giddily. His happy-go-lucky tone made you even more sick to your stomach as you got up from your chair with fury.

“The money is yours, just get out of my head,” you told him, beginning to march up towards the lab to get his cash out of the safe. You needed out of this...whatever it was. And you were hoping the money would be enough.

“It’s not that simple. And you’re just what I need to finish this, so we’re not done quite yet,” Octavious chuckled in your head, which only made you want to cry right then and there.

It was then when you realized he wasn’t ever planning on letting you go. Not even if you were done. You were strong and capable of a lot and he knew that now. And because he knew that, he was turning you into his own personalized weapon. Because he’d never get caught when it came to you. And even if you got caught, they’d never find the chip in your head that traced back to him. Octavious would get off scot free and find someone else to manipulate.

You knew Octavious wasn’t acting alone. There was someone else, maybe a partner or even a puppet master of his own that was calling these shots. You knew you weren’t his first test subject but you didn’t know what happened to the others. Did they get killed? Or did the microchips not take like yours did? Maybe it made them sick? There had to be a reason why Octavious was keeping you over the rest, it was because you were the only success story thus far.

“Then you gotta tell me who else I’m working for,” you demanded as you unlocked the lab, heading over to your secret stash. Opening the safe as you saw the entire motherlode staring right back at you. Your mask, the loads upon loads of cash, and your unopened bottles. Everything you had been dying to get rid of.

“Do you really think you have power over me, sweetheart?” Octavious said as he suddenly forced you to lean into the safe and grab the bottle, “You’re nothing without me. You’re his proxy who writes little articles about what he wants while you drink away the pain. Thanks to me, I’m making you something,” he told you as he let go of you.

You slammed the bottle down on the floor, taking a step away from it, “What do you want with Peter? He’s no use to you and you have to know that I don’t control him,” you tried again as you tried to fight back the tears once again.

But Doctor Octavious laughed maniacally as you remained seated on the floor, staring down at the bottle that was beginning to look more and more appetizing the more you stared at it. But you knew Octavious wasn’t the one making you crave it right now, that was coming from you.

The stress and anxiety was eating at you bit by bit. Needing something so badly to take some of your pain away, even just temporarily. Fighting with your brain and going back and forth, hearing Peter’s voice in the back of your head. You knew you should refrain yourself, that’s what you wanted overall. You turned your head away from the bottle, fighting with your vision to not look at the temptation that was before you.

“I beg to differ. There’s a lot of things that worthless little spider would be willing to do for you and I’d bet money on it…” he threatened as he fixed your vision back onto the bottle, making you begin to unscrew the cap, “And I know what you’d do to keep him alive, right? So have a drink and let’s have a toast to your amazing work the other night and to many more!” he cheered in your voice.

Only he wasn’t forcing you to drink it. But he knew you would. It was a threat if you didn’t, otherwise he would kill Peter. That was his leverage over your head, knowing you would keep your mouth shut and comply with whatever he wanted because you were trying to save Peter.

Closing your eyes, you brought the rim of the bottle to your lips as the harsh scent ran up your nostrils. Scrunching your nose up with a whimper, you took a quick swig before you placed it back down on the floor. Wiping your mouth of the alcohol, you hoped that would be enough to appease Octavious to just leave you alone.

“Good girl,” he told you as you tried to relax your body a bit as you curled up near the safe as tears began running down your cheeks. Knowing perfectly well that with Doctor Octavious or whoever else in your brain, there was no relaxing. Not now, not ever.

There was silence and for a moment you thought Octavious had departed for the time being but you still felt his presence. He was just observing now, haunting you, reminding you that he could. At any given time, he could just pay you a visit or worse, take control of you.

Because he had full control over you because you were scared he’d hurt Peter. And you’d do anything, rob anything you had to if it meant Peter was unharmed. And Octavious was well aware of that and he was determined to use it against you at any moment like this.

“Now finish it,” he told you as he disconnected from your device. Automatically feeling a difference in your head, feeling a bit lighter as you sank into the floor; now clutching the bottle in your hand.

————

Peter deactivated his suit, catching his breath as he looked at the success statistics KAREN and EDITH had relayed for him after the last simulation had come to an end. He couldn’t help but feel a bit proud of the numbers that were displayed for him. It wasn't that long ago that Peter was failing simulation after simulation and he was glad that he was getting stronger and becoming a better fighter like he used to be.

Strong like the old Peter…

Walking towards the exit, he noticed Agent Kent standing by the door with a smile. Peter shook his head as he removed his mask from his head, “You know it's dangerous to be in here while I’m running simulations, right?” Peter told him with a joking voice as he gave him a high-five.

“Did you just win all of those simulations on the hardest level?” Kent asked Peter with an impressed voice. He watched as Peter nodded his head, walking past him to grab a towel to dry off, “Remind me to check to make sure they’re programmed correctly,” he teased Peter with a nudge.

“I programmed them, they better be,” Peter retorted with a smug look. He was feeling good about himself, “Got to be ready next time that lady thief comes by again. I’m on a high alert for her,” he told Kent with a knowing look.

Kent shook his head with a laugh, “Meeting tomorrow was moved to 8 am, don’t be late,” he told Peter as he walked down the hall towards his quarters on one of the lower floors. Great, an early meeting to talk about what else was fucked up in this city, Peter thought as he headed into the elevator, pressing your floor as he rode it back up.

But Peter didn’t want to think about how fucked up the city or the world was right now. He knew plenty of how the world was. Right now, he just wanted to get back to his floor. His own tiny haven in this enormous tower with little to no privacy. Even when he was practicing, somebody found him. He never truly had a moment just to himself. Not as Spider-Man.

The thoughts in Peter’s mind went blank as he felt the goose bumps beginning to raise on his arms as the tiny hairs on the back of his neck stuck out. Something was off as he stepped foot into your apartment, and he could tell right away that it had something to do with you.

Calling your name, Peter dropped his gym bag onto the floor and walked towards the bedroom, trying to find you as quickly as possible. He stopped in his tracks when he got a whiff of what was coming from the kitchen.

He turned his head and saw you standing by the stove, slicing some vegetables as you smiled up at him, “I’m making a frittata,” you told him quietly, trying to function as best as you could and hoping that the smell of the food was masking the other scents you knew Peter was bound to detect.

There was something off and Peter could sense it. But he couldn’t figure out what it was. Nodding his head he smiled back at you as he came behind you in the kitchen to grab a bottle of water, kissing your cheek in the process.

“Do you smell that?” Peter asked as he stood in front of the sink curiously. The same hairs still sticking up like something was wrong.

“The frittata?” you asked him, trying to keep yourself composed as you looked at him with the same blank expression.

Peter shook his head as he looked around, “Something doesn’t feel right,” he said warily as he looked around more, “I can’t tell what it is…” he trailed off as he walked into the other room to try to investigate.

“Stand down, tiger,” you snorted as he brought the vegetables into the frying pan to simmer for a bit as you cleaned your hands off, “A bit paranoid are we?” you offered again.

You could sense Peter’s paranoia and it was making you nervous. Mainly because you knew you were the reason he was detecting something was wrong, and you knew you weren’t going to be able to hide it from him. It was making your stomach do back flips, making you nauseous as the smell of the frittata you were making went through your nostrils while the alcohol you annihilated earlier was bound to resurface.

Before you knew it, your hand was over your mouth as you ran to the bathroom, pushing Peter to the side as you hovered over the toilet, emptying your stomach out as you heaved into it. Peter came up behind you, holding your hair back as he motioned his hand gently against your back to try and relax you.

Peter looked away from it as you slowly began to pull yourself away and clean your face in the sink. But he saw the clear liquid that was purged out and he knew the hairs on his neck were standing because you were the one who was in trouble.

“Y/N…” Peter bit his lip as he pulled your hair out of the way as you washed your face. You knew where he was going with it and you couldn’t face that truth right now. You just couldn’t.

“No, Peter,” you shot him down as you splashed some water on your face before you rinsed your mouth out, “Don’t start,” you warned him, hoping that would keep him from continuing the conversation. But who were you kidding? If the tables were turned you knew you wouldn’t either. In fact, you didn’t when it was Peter drinking excessively.

Of course, this time it was because you were forced to by Doctor Octavious. You just couldn’t tell Peter that otherwise he would get killed. So now, you had no choice but to act like you did this willingly.

“I have to, Y/N,” Peter answered lowly as he followed you out of the bathroom again, “I...I can’t be around you like this,” he finally said the words. The words he never thought he would say because he never thought he would need to. But he needed to.

Peter knew this was dangerous. You needed help but he couldn’t force you right now. And he also knew he couldn’t be around you when you were drinking so much. It broke his heart and he cared so much right now but you needed to care about yourself too, and you weren’t. But Peter needed you to so he wouldn’t fall apart either, as selfish as that sounded. And maybe you needed more of a push to get to that point to better yourself.

“What? You’re going to break up with me over this? When you drank, you threw me against the wall in a chokehold, Peter,” you reminded him vividly, still clearly not in your best state of mind. But Peter’s threat not only hurt you, it scared you immensely. The idea of losing him because of you was something you couldn’t deal with, not now or ever.

Peter winced at the thought. Those were his most dark and troubling times. And even though he took responsibility and was grateful every moment of every day you forgave him, he still had a hard time forgiving himself for what he put you through. It was hard reliving those memories and he tried not to so he could live in the present, with you. But right now, your present was beginning to look a lot like Peter’s past.

“I never said I was dumping you, I would never leave you. But I think you may need some time alone to figure out what you need,” Peter tried again, a bit more sternly but his eyes were filled with concern for you, “This isn’t you, Y/N,” he told you as he softened his tone.

You shook your head and scoffed at him, feeling your head getting heated as Peter started again, “Really, Peter? You’re one to talk about not being yourself,” you bit your lip as you pivoted in his direction.

“Me?” Peter asked monotonously, licking his lips as he saw all of the anger in your eyes. Peter really didn’t want this to turn into a fight. But it always did because you were still in denial. And Peter knew the only one who could make you see your truth was you, so until you did, it was an argument each and every time.

And he wasn’t sure how much longer he could watch you do this to yourself. Allowing his group therapy peer’s advice to look a little more intriguing.

“Yes. You’ve been acting like a completely different person lately,” you snapped back, trying to keep your tone level like Peter’s as you continued, “You asked me to move to a lake house upstate because you couldn’t stand the city and then acted as if it never even happened, Peter,” you reminded him of that incident and how the both of you were guilty for never actually talking about it again.

“You said no and the idea clearly upset you. I didn’t want to make you more upset by begging you to move. What did you want me to do, Y/N?” Peter asked you as he felt his throat beginning to feel dry. He hated fighting like this and he knew this wasn’t going to end well because now you were looking for a reason to blame Peter. He saw the signs all too well.

You didn’t know why you were so angry. You were hurt, and terrified of losing Peter, and you didn’t know what else to do. And now you were just letting out all of the things you had been bottling up over the last month or so, even though you knew that wasn’t fair. Maybe it was the alcohol in your system but you didn’t know how to turn it off.

“I don’t know. But the Peter I know wouldn’t have done anything of that,” you challenged him finally. The final nail in the coffin and you saw the look on Peter’s face, you knew that was an answer he was not expecting.

Because the old Peter was the one who you both hated. The one who put you in harm’s way and pushed you away until there was barely anything left. The old Peter was aggressive and hurt you in more ways he wasn’t proud of. So it took Peter by surprise hearing you say that. Maybe it was out of anger or to get a rise out of him, but you were both saying things you didn’t necessarily mean right now and he knew he needed to stop.

Peter walked over towards the kitchen and turned the stove off, seeing everything starting to burn. He shook his head as he cleaned off some of the utensils to focus his stress elsewhere, “Did you want me to shout at you like I used to? Kill someone?” Peter paused as he bit the inside of his lower lip, “Drink myself to death like you are because I’m angry?”

He was making his own blood boil when he spoke, clenching the glass in his hand as he accidentally shattered it, making you jump backwards, “I am angry, okay? I am! I’m angry every fucking day and all of this work I’m doing with my group is supposed to help me keep my anger from taking over again. So are you saying you don’t want that? You don’t like that I’m trying to do this for me and for you?!” he shouted as he looked down at the shattered glass on the floor.

Silence filled the room between the two of you as you inched yourself a bit closer to Peter, standing in front of the island as you looked into his soft brown eyes. Of course, you were so proud of Peter and how far he had come these months. And you knew he didn’t do this for you, he did it for him which was the most proud you could get.

Peter was trying to get you down the same path he was and you saw that and you were glad he cared about you so much. But how Peter was the last few weeks, and possibly months, was a very shut down version. Trying to push you to therapy, and then when you declined, he would act like nothing had happened. Not the Peter you were used to at all.

And maybe that was on you. Maybe you pushed him to shut down here and there. But Peter was a fighter, and so were you. So it always surprised you when you got to these boiling points. And this was a point neither of you reached until just now. Both of you feeling scared and upset, and you had no idea what was going to happen next. But neither of you could stop.

“No. I want you, Peter, I do,” you told him as you took another step closer to him, “But you just seem so….different. Like lately you’ve just been Peter Parker without Peter Parker,” you told him in a small voice as you tried to catch his gaze, but his focus was on the wall.

It was everything Peter didn’t want to hear. He knew he wasn’t the same Peter but he was accepting that. He thought after everything that had happened, you would too. But maybe it was because of the things that were troubling you that it was making you question and challenge Peter in return.

Balling his hand into a fist, Peter had enough as he suddenly drove it right into the wall in front of his face. He saw you jump backward as you gasped at the loud bang. Pulling his hand out of the wall, his cut up hand now covered in blood was splayed against the wall as he steadied his breath.

“That Peter Parker?” he finally asked you without looking your way. He knew he took it too far, and he was ashamed that he did that. Especially in front of you. He hadn’t lost his cool like that in months, and certainly not in front of you. He never wanted to blow up in front of you like that again. He was so embarrassed for letting his anger get to him for even a second.

You swallowed thickly as silence filled the room between the two of you. Blinking slowly, you nodded your head before you grabbed Peter by his arm and pulled him towards you as you crashed your lips against his. Pulling him closer as you began to feel him return your kiss.

Both of you were still angry and reeling, but for now you just wanted to be close to each other. You were both shaken by Peter’s words and your actions, and for now the intimacy between you both was all that mattered. A temporary fix for your laundry list of problems that neither of you knew how to fix.

Peter pushed you against the wall as he rolled his lips over yours with lust and desire. Craning your neck to the side as he moved his lips down to your neck, finding your sweet spot right away. Picking you up swiftly, you wrapped your legs around his waist in between his sloppy and slightly aggressive kisses. Bringing your arms to the nape of your neck to hold yourself up as Peter’s fingers began traveling to your waist.

His fingers tucked underneath your jeans as he pushed them off, dropping them to the floor as his lips found yours once more. Your pent up anger for each other building between you both as you helped him shake his sweatpants off; your breath heavy and ragged as the fire between you both grew.

The back of your head hit the wall as Peter began to tease your entrance, your free hand raising up to his chest to feel his heartbeat. Both of your senses on high alert as you looked into Peter’s eyes as you located his heart. Listening to the thuds, your way of finding your Peter in there as your eyes began fluttering closed while you pushed Peter into you.

Peter grabbed you by the leg gently and thrust in to you slowly. Placing his free hand against the wall to support you both as he pushed himself into you further. Hearing you let out a soft whimper as you moved your hips into him a bit faster, your hands running through the curls on the back of his neck.

Grunting into your ear, Peter found your lips again. Your tongues searching for each other as your thrusts intensified, your whimpers and moans vibrating against your lips. He found your hands and laced your fingers into his against the wall as he moved his hips faster into you, letting his senses take over as he continued.

Peter cussed under his breath as he ran a hand up your bare leg and against your inner thigh. As you clenched around his length, your body burning with each and every motion as you bit your lip, beginning to feel all of the sensations take control as you gripped Peter firmly.

You held onto Peter’s hand as he began to circle you slowly with his fingers, making you moan louder as you felt yourself getting closer and closer to your edge. Your bodies forming a rhythm together as your kisses grew sloppy and more desperate for each other, the neediness for being close still apparent amongst the two of you.

Circling you faster, Peter kept thrusting into you as your whimpers together grew more and more. He could sense how close you were from how tense your body was getting, and he was letting all of his aggression out with you. He knew he wasn’t far behind as he found your lips again. Moaning into his kiss as he pushed you both to your edges.

Finally reaching your highs together as you cried out Peter’s name and he collapsed into the nape of your neck. Shaking and vibrating underneath Peter as his hips continued into you as he began moaning into your sensitive skin. Everything felt so intense as you began to open your eyes, slowly coming down from your intoxicating state.

Peter took a breath as he slowly brought you back down to the earth. Pushing the hair out of your face he reached over and kissed your lips again. This time it felt different from moments earlier, it was more loving, tender even. You can feel how much he loved and cared for you in the kiss as you returned the same thing to him as he lifted you into his arms.

Carrying you into the bedroom, he knew you both needed to sleep this off. He placed you down on the bed in the darkness, crawling over to his side of the bed without even needing the light on. He pulled the covers up over the two of you and found his place in between your arms as he kissed your bare shoulder.

The two of you didn’t speak, the silence spoke for itself as you both let the exhaustion from earlier take over.

It wasn’t until you woke up in the middle of the night that you felt Peter get out of bed. Only you didn’t feel it, you sensed it. You rubbed your eyes as they adjusted to the darkness and crawled towards the edge of the bed, seeing Peter by the balcony window.

Holding his gym bag over his back…

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#peter parker #tom holland #tom holland x reader #peter parker x reader #peter parker x you #tom holland x you #spiderman #spiderman x reader #tangled webs #heyhihellowhatsup0

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aphrostarot · 3 years

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New Moon In Taurus Pick a Pile

Tomorrow (May 11th) is the New Moon in Taurus, what do you need to know before going into it?

Remember that this is a general reading and some things may not apply to you. Do not try and force it to fit. If you would like a personal reading you can click here. There I have my shop where I offer all of my readings. Or you can dm me with what you'd like.

*Please read before you pick a pile*

I say spirit when I am channeling and writing out your readings, if you do not believe in spirit that is totally okay, this message is still meant for you if you feel that it is! Whatever you believe in is valid and you can ignore when I say spirit if you don't believe in it or, replace it with whoever you believe is giving you this message. If you have any questions or you just want to talk about this feel free to dm me!

Pile One (Amazonite):

What emotions do you need to release?

Five of Wands: The Five of Wands is all about competitiveness and jealousy. You may currently be jealous of someone else and what they have that you don’t. On the other hand, you could also be feeling very competitive with other people and their progress in life compared to yours. Regardless of what it is spirit is telling you that you need to release all of those emotions during this new moon.

What grudges do you need to let go of?

Eight of Swords: You may have felt very trapped in the past. This entrapment may have been caused by others, society, things out of your hands, or even yourself. You may even still be feeling trapped currently. During this new moon, spirit wants you to work on releasing this grudge that you hold regarding your entrapment. If you’re upset with someone or something because you feel like they were the cause, you need to let that go and move on. If you are upset with yourself because of this entrapment, spirit wants you to know that whatever happened in the past is the past and that is it. You can’t change that, but you can move on and you can heal from that, so, do that.

Where have you been too possessive?

The Star: The Star is all about hope, and hope is a good thing to have and you have had that for a long time. The result of that is you being afraid of losing your hope, of being pessimistic for any moment in time. The problem with having too much hope is that you become toxically positive and toxic positivity is not the same thing as being optimistic, in fact, it is far from it. You have been protecting yourself from becoming pessimistic because of the idea that having negative thoughts means that you are manifesting that into your life. That is not true, not every single one of your thoughts is being manifested into your life at any given moment. Spirit knows the difference between your manifesting thoughts and your anxious thoughts, so you should too. During this new moon, you need to release yourself from this idea.

How can you be more accepting?

King of Pentacles: The King of Pentacles is a family man. He is more times than not, well off, and he values tradition and the quiet life. Do you not like the idea of this? The idea of being traditional, maybe following in your family’s footsteps, or maybe doing what your culture wants you to do? You may have been fighting this for a long time or you may have just started to fight it, spirit wants you to accept it, it is for your best. Or, maybe it’s that you are not willing to let go of what your family wants for you or what your culture wants for you that you feel like going with the traditional is the most comfortable way, if that is the case then you need to let go of your idea that going with what is the most comfortable is for the best, sometimes going out of your comfort zone is for the best.

Pile Two (Rose Quartz):

Before you begin reading this pile, I want to say that while I was channeling for this pile it felt like a very specific energy. So, this pile may only resonate with a few people. If it does not resonate with you and you also felt drawn to pile one I would say to check that pile out. If not and you would like a personal reading done with this spread just dm me and we can work out something from there.

What emotions do you need to release?

The Lovers: As I mentioned above, when I was channeling for this reading I felt a very strong and specific energy, so, this reading will only be centered on that energy. You may have just gotten out of a relationship or you did in the past. This person felt like they were your dream come true, that you had finally met the love of your life, the person who you were going to settle down with. The relationship was good and you were the happiest you have ever been until you weren’t. This person turned out to be a fake. They lied about everything and once you found that out it felt like your world was crashing down. You have not recovered from this hurt and a part of you still feels like maybe that person may come back into your life. Spirit wants you to let this go, you can’t continue to hold onto this hurt, and allowing yourself to hold onto this person is only holding you back. During this new moon, you need to take the steps to start moving on.

What grudges do you need to let go of?

The Star: The star is all about hope. So, going back to what I said above, you may still hope that this person will come back into your life. This upsets you and you are mad at yourself because you know that you should hate this person for what they did to you but you remember all of the good times you had with them and you feel like it couldn’t have all been fake. Spirit is telling you that healing is not a linear path, there will always be ups and downs, and missing them is completely normal because even though it wasn’t real for them it was real for you. Don’t beat yourself up about this, because being upset with yourself will not get you anywhere but deeper into the darkness. Let this go because it will one, free you from this person and your hurt, and two, it will further you on your journey.

Another energy I was getting is that you are angry at this person for taking away your hope, your hope of having a happily ever after. You may also be angry at yourself for allowing yourself to believe that it was true, for hoping that it was true. You feel naïve and gullible. Spirit is telling you to not beat yourself up for it, because this person was a good actor and anybody could have fallen for their acts, that doesn’t make you a bad person or a less deserving person, that makes you human. Spirit is also telling you to let your anger towards this person go because it will help you on your healing journey and your life journey.

Six of Wands (This one may only resonate with a few): This person has been successful since you broke up. Maybe they’re in a happy relationship, maybe it’s in their career, or maybe it’s even just that they are happier. This pisses you off, because how could they have ruined your life and act as if nothing happened. If this is you, spirit wants you to let go of this too, it is not worth your time or energy to hate this person. All you can do right now is to let go and move on for your own sake.

Where have you been too possessive?

Justice: You may want to get revenge on this person or you just want this person to realize what they did to you. You have been far too obsessive about this. You can’t spend every waking moment of your life hating this person and wishing they will pay for what they did, it only takes away from your healing and your life. Stop focusing all of your time and energy on this, and move on. Live your life, and heal from this.

How can you be more accepting?

Knight of Pentacles: Patience is key. You need to be patient with yourself and with spirit right now. All things come in time. Healing is one of those things. You will heal with time, right now you need to take the first steps to do that. You need to let go and release during this new moon in order to take the first steps on this journey. Justice also comes with time, you will get the justice you deserve with time but first, you need to release the notion that you are the one who needs to serve this justice, let the universe take over. Accept that you don’t have to be in control of everything all the time.

Six of Pentacles: This person may have been very generous, whether that be with their time, energy, money, etc. And when that came crashing down and the truth was revealed to you it became hard for you to trust when others came in and were generous and nice. Spirit wants you to be more accepting when people come forward and are nice. They want you to know that not everyone is the enemy, you can trust people.

#tarot reading #oracle reading #pick a pile #pick a card #spirituality #astrology #aries #taurus #gemini #cancer #leo #virgo #libra #scorpio #sagittarius #capricorn #aquarius #pisces #new moon

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domina-noctisim-archive · 3 years

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“Sesshōmaru, you could at least make an effort to not look like you hate to be here.”

His father’s voice had this uncanny ability to be both as sharp as a blade, yet warm like a gentle touch. It was a quality that his son had never been able to emulate. Not that he wished to, but a part of him wondered if in a few centuries he wouldn’t start to sound like that as well.

Sesshōmaru really hoped that wouldn’t be the case. Less than three centuries old, he was in the full, fiery stage of his ‘teenager’ life. His desire for rebelliousness and to detach from his parents grew stronger with each passing season.

This also came alongside a lot of attitude. “Should I not say the same of you, father?” He asked quietly, not turning his head to make eye contact. The two just stood beside one another, standing on the perimeter of the large ballroom with the rest of the nobility that had been invited to the debutante ball held in Austria that year.

Many daughters and sons of the most prominent families in the world had come of age this century, including Sesshōmaru himself. They had been invited, and accepted to come under insistence of his mother. He knew she was hoping he would be betrothed to someone here, to reinforce the family’s influence in their home country.

He also knew that his father absolutely loathed each and every person in this room. And in all likelyhood, the feeling was mutual amongst the guests. Rumors spread quickly... families who advocated amicable relations with humans were frowned upon by the most conservative aristocrats of this world.

And individuals who indulged beyond that, mixing their pureblood with the humans and tainting the purity of these lineages, were absolutely loathed. But this was the nobility, and even hatred turned into something a lot colder and passive-aggressive...

... Such as, inviting said individual to a debutante ball with the very intention to get his only offspring engaged to another pureblood. Sesshōmaru had figured this was all a very political ploy. By giving him a consort, the demon society would basically make a statement against his father, “Even if you mix your blood with humans, your legacy will not. Your obscene morals will be rectified by the new generation. Your effort will be in vain.”

He very much did not like being used as a political tool. Yet, he did not support his father’s choices either. Even though he had never actually been with a human woman, the mere fact that such rumors could surface meant that his contacts with the weaker species had been too many and too friendly as is. How long before these speculations became true?

“The Duke will not be happy with us leaving until you’ve at least given his first daughter a chance.” Tōga scoffed, hands clasped behind his back while he watched the dances with the same detached golden stare as his son. “I’m sure you’re aware, she’s been trying to make eye contact with you for the good part of the past half hour.”

It was true, Sesshōmaru had noticed. But he had absolutely no intention to touch that woman with any of his fingers. The formal european clothes he had been given to wear to match the ceremony were far too exquisite for that kind of filth.

“I have no interest in a succubus.”

“Then perhaps you should tell her.”

That made Sesshōmaru actually side glance with irritation at his sire. Under furrowing silvery brows, his eyes narrowed ever so slightly. “If you wish to cause a diplomatic incident, please do so yourself.”

“Your mother would forgive you. Me, on the other hand...” The Lord of the Western Lands exhaled softly, shaking his head. He was about to say more, when another aristocrat approached them to engage into what seemed a boring conversation.

Alone with his thoughts again, Sesshomaru returned to observe the many pairs dancing at the center of the room, struggling to not just turn around and leave. By pure accident, he happened to look in direction of the Duke’s daughters, all cooped on one side of the room, giggling and chatting, while their eldest still stared at him with greedy eyes.

...It was then that he noticed her. In the back, just past that group, was another girl. A deb just like them, judging by the gown she wore. Yet she was different... for one, she looked like she was just as bored as he were. The way she avoided to make eye contact with anybody, often glancing for the doors to escape that place, gave away her wish to leave.

Her appearance was eerie... she appeared so frail and weak compared to many others. One could almost mistake her for a human servant, were she not dressed like that. But others like him could tell more, just by the scent that came from her. Blood.

She was one of those creatures of the night, that many feared and respected here in Europe. One of the most powerful bloodlines still surviving.

That was when the idea clicked in his head, to cross the room, walk through that sea of swirling gowns and jingling jewels, to proceed past the succubus who craved him so much, and instead stop before this unknown young woman.

He didn’t need eyes behind the back of his head to know that the female he had just so boldly ignored was glaring in absolute shock and livid jealousy while he addressed the brunette.

“... Will you dance with me?” He asked, calmly offering his hand to her. @roleplay-abiogenesis2

Seconds, ticking off the clock Counting, down to when I walk It’s easier to go than to stay Just me watch take that flicker to flame Sometimes, things aren’t what they seem Reckless, that’s just what I need I’m sick of the habitual games So I won’t play

╰⊱♥⊱╮╰⊱♥⊱╮ Dainty appendages danced on the glass’s rim, displaying some apathy she felt. Did she want to be there? No. She didn’t like that kind of convention. Bordeaux's optics glanced everywhere except at the influential persons there. Ai was attempting to find an escape. The environs were asphyxiating, carnal appetite profaning the oxygen she breathed. ❛Futile beings. ❜ Thought, an exhale leaving her half-open lips, pleading for air. The only thing that seemed to entertain her was the grotesque performances that some people were making in front of her. Refusals, body language, everything was worth to obtain decent nuptials.

❝Why don’t you attempt to meet someone? ❞ Kaname inquired, addressing his daughter & placing a palm upon her shoulder. ❝Do you really think I’m going to find a spouse here, my beloved father? ━━━━━ The way people behave nauseates me, besides, no one seems compelling enough to enthrall my noble attention.❞ Returned, looking at the luna from the lattice that was next to her. What if she jumps? Run freely in the luminescence, without shackles to keep her there. ❝I understand, but I have faith that someone will prompt your curiosity. ❞ The King asserted, watching the salon for a brief instant. ❝Are you going to compel me to marry someone I don’t love? ❞ No one could fall in love in one night. Convenience matrimonies were often a failure, leading to the unhappiness of many families despite economic prosperity & perks, despite the dominions that were formed. ❝I’ll not force you to do anything. I just ask you to open your heart. Love arises over time, but you have to start somewhere. ❞ The monarch left, leaving the princess submersed in some meditation.

❝Absurdities! How will I find someone appealing here?! ❞ The house she represented had a stupendous prominence in Europe, so her appeal & symmetry hadn’t gone unnoticed in that chamber. Some tried to approach, to entice, but to no avail. The suitors’ interest fell only in her status, in the capital & the imperium her family had. One of the purest breeds, one of the ancientest families, forebears of the vampiric race. Who wouldn’t crave a wife like her? Forever young, opulent, knowledgeable, magnetic, heir to a huge LEGACY. The immortal maiden was the last pureblood vampire, consequently, Kaname craved to unite her daughter with another equally pure man, hoping to preserve & fortify the power of his own lineage. It’d be a significant advantage for both sides. Some people respected her clan, others defied their lethality & ended up dead, others feared their presence. The stratified society of which Ai was a member wasn’t cohesive. Purebloods were at the hierarchy’s summit, followed by aristocrats, fruits of relationships between vampires & humans. At the pyramid’s end were common vampires & level E, creatures worthy of being eradicated. Often pure-blood’s plasma was employed to slaughter such beasts, along with silver, magnificent weaponry.

Elegantly, the vampiress sat in an unused chair. Her hues were now crystallized in the crimson liquid inside her cup. She waved the vessel to see the fluid move. It looked like wine, but it was just water blended with a powder that helped to assuage her appetite. A guest interrupted her thoughts, impatient to pursue her. She could inhale his intentions miles away. ❝May I have a word with you Ai-sama. I’d love to have your company. I’m sure we’re going to have a good time. ❞ Orbs, now flaming red, faced the audacious individual. ❝Your tender words tell me nothing. Your presence isn’t craved by me. ━━━━━ Please leave me alone. ❞ A sharp resonance was implemented. An endeavor to ward him off. Dissatisfied with her reply, he left her alone.

For a few minutes, the immortal tried not to make eye contact with anyone. Ai didn’t want people to interrupt her peace while she waited for the event to end. However, her attention fell on a person who seemed to walk towards her. It was a tall, well-dressed man coveted for what it looked like some women. Young, imposing and with an uncommon nimbus. Ai wondered who he was? And why he rejected the succubus. Wasn’t she decent enough? Intriguing.

Before replying, she remained hushed for a while, blinking & admiring the Dayokai in front of her. His amber hues possessed so much MYSTICISM. What intention did he have? Should she reject him too? Cerise gaze dropped a little, glancing at his clawed palm, while ashen digits put a lock of hair behind her dainty ear. The sovereign was a little hesitant. What if he was like the other man? Repugnant & vainglorious. He was asking her to dance, something that no one had done since she got there.

❝Hai, I’ll dance with you.❞ Soft, mellifluous timbre broke the taciturnity like a zephyr. Gentle, pale palm fell smoothly on his. His dermis was so hot in comparison to hers. Ai felt a little envious. ❝Take me with you.❞ Added, bowing & letting her locks conceal part of her countenance. She had nothing to lose. With splendour, she raised her grimace again. ❝Demo, If I may inquire, why did you reject the duke’s daughter? I feel she might try to kill me at any minute. ❞ A giggle left her lips. She wasn’t frightened at all. Most people in that room knew what she was capable of.

#OMG IT'S BEEN YEARS SINCE I WROTE THIS MUCH #OMG I AM DEAD

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miracul0us-multishipper · 5 years

Text

Welcome to the back (Part 5)

First Chapter Previous Chapter Next Chapter

Thank you so much for all your sweet feedback!

This chapter deals a little more with Lila’s manipulations and their first effects, and both Chat Noir And Felix make a move. With varying degrees of success.

Also, Felix would literally die for Maman Cheng’s Quiche.

- - -

Lila was fuming when she arrived at home.

“Who does he think he is?!”, she spit out between clenched teeth. “He had zero proof!”

And not only had her attempt to win Felix over failed, Hawkmoth hadn’t even sent an Akuma for her! That, or this goddamn beetle had caught it before it had reached her.

“What a dutiful little bug, aren’t you, Ladybug?”, she seethed on. “Always looking out for butterflies. Well, newsflash: you aren’t perfect! And as soon as you let one of them slip through, Volpina is going to kick your ass!”

That brought her thoughts to another pain in her butt and she threw her phone away in frustration. If it weren’t for that pigtailed goody two shoes, Felix would be writing poems of admiration for Lila by now. All these beautiful words, lost because that stupid Marinette couldn’t leave Felix alone. He was unreachable for her now!

Taking a deep breath, Lila tried to calm down.

Don’t do anything rash. We’ve come so far.

She still had Adrien wrapped around her finger. That boy was so eager to believe her, he threw all reason away for some pretty fairy tale. And as long as his father was with her, she had Adrien handled.

Still. Loosing her chance with Felix had... hurt her. She hadn’t realized she’d looked forward to their relationship that much.

Sighing she fell on her bed and grabbed her phone, going through his poems. She’d pictured how everything would go from the moment she’d looked through his bag. He would’ve been smitten with her writing, her poetry resonating with his. Once they were on their date at the Eiffel Tower, he wouldn’t have been able to deny how pretty she looked with the sunset illuminating her face, the wind in her hair... He would’ve intertwined his soft, slender fingers with hers and confessed how connected he felt to her. She would’ve blushed and told him to stop, but he would’ve written her a poem about his feelings for her and kissed her hand. Then they would’ve kissed, just as the sun disappeared and the lights at the tower went on. The rest of the evening, they would have talked about their shared affinity for words and tales, how they both could spin their audiences in webs of emotion and wonder - even though they used different mediums to accomplish that. He would’ve realized that they were the only ones that understood each other, that they were made for each other, that they were soulmates. How they were better than these silly children in their class.

She groaned and turned her phone off, not bearing to see his pretty poems now.

It was all Marinette’s fault! She’d stolen that future from her and Felix!

Lila froze.

Wait a second.

Since when did she give up that easily?! This was Marinette she was talking about! That girl didn’t have enough brain cells to walk properly! She was no opponent for her, Lila Rossi, the cunning Volpina! She was the Queen of Lies, the Master of Manipulation, Gaslighting and Illusions! If she wanted Felix, she’d get Felix!

With renewed determination, she got in front of her computer. She had some research to do!

“There you are, Chaton!” Ladybug greeted her partner. She was still smiling from her encounter with Felix, and determined that this patrol would go smoothly. Chat Noir replied with his usual smirk.

“If you don’t look energized today, My Lady! Happy to see me?”

She chuckled and landed next to him, on the rooftops next to the Seine.

“Come on, Kitty! This city doesn’t patrol itself, you know?”

“Actually, can we wait a few more minutes?” her partner asked with surprising seriousness. “I wanted to talk to you.”

She wanted to refuse - she still had to catch up on her missed history lesson, time was precious - but the pleading look in his big green eyes made her weak.

“Alright” she sighed. “But only shortly! What is it, Kitty?”

He hummed.

“You always call me these pet names. It’s so cute!”

“Chat. Focus.”

“Right! Uh, my dad is... the owner of a business, you know? Famous and renowned across France. He always has to look super professional, or his investors run over to his rivals.”

“Okay?” Ladybug tried to follow, unsure where this was supposed to go.

“You kind of remind me of him, sometimes! You’re both smart, and very serious about your work, and usually too busy.”

She didn’t know if he wanted to compliment or insult her.

“Anyway, my mom and I are very similar, he always says. She used to work for him, as a model. And when they fell in love, my dad was a bit worried a relationship with one of his coworkers might look unprofessional. ‘What would everyone say?’, and so on.”

“And then?”

He shrugged.

“Nothing. They got married and it worked out fine. No problems whatsoever.”

“Huh.”

Chat looked at her, obviously expecting something, so she added: “That’s... a very sweet story. Your parents sound very lucky.”

He beamed.

“Yeah! And luck is just our thing, right?”

“Uh, yes” she agreed carefully. What did they have to do with his parents. “But why are you telling me this?”

“I just wanted to let you know... I understand how important it is for you to look professional. And that I support you, always. You don’t have to worry.”

“Thanks?” She was positively confused now. “I don’t think anybody doubts our professionalism, but... that’s reassuring.”

“You’re welcome.”

He probably meant well, even though she didn’t understand what he was playing at. So when he closed his eyes and leaned in, her mind had yet to catch up. Only when he was actually pressing his lips on hers, it clicked.

She slapped him. Hard.

“Ow! What the-“

“Oh no, that’s my line, Chat! What the fuck?!”, she hissed out, wiping her mouth with her wrist. Chat looked up, his face shifting from shock to betrayal.

“I-I thought-“

“You thought what?! You can just kiss me out of the blue after I repeatedly told you I’m not in love with you?! What don’t you get about that?”

If he looked hurt, she didn’t care. She was tired of this, tired of his advances. For once in her life, she wanted him to listen and understand her!

“I- someone told me you were worried that-“

“Why are you so quick to listen to some bystander, but refuse to hear my very! Clear! Answer!”

“Your answer isn’t clear at all!”, Chat Noir yelled back, getting to his feet. “You say you don’t love me, but you’re acting like you do! You call me pet names, you flirt with me, you kiss me all the time! So either you enjoy leading me on, or you’re lying to both of us about your true feelings!”

“Aaaargh!”, she groaned in frustration, clasping her hands above her head, “You’re impossible!”

“No, I’m simply making my feelings very clear for you! We are partners, and we’re supposed to be honest with each other!”

She tore her hair. He was so stubborn, so obstinate that that he could do no wrong. She wanted to scream.

“Chat, I honestly don’t want you to kiss me.” she tried to keep it simple, lowering her voice to prevent herself from lashing out. But Chat certainly didn’t help at that.

“That’s okay! We can just hold hands, if you want to. Or go for Ice cream.”

“No! I don’t want any of that! Kwamis above!”

“Then what do you want?!

If she didn’t get out of here, she’d do something stupid. Slap him again, probably.

“Leave me alone, Chat.”, she pressed out, her voice breaking.

“What? We’re partners! You- We need each other!”

“I’ll handle patrol from now on.”, she ordered, leaving no room for discussion. “Until you can accept that I don’t reciprocate your feelings, we should only work together when necessary.”

She swallowed, throwing her yo-yo.

“Please, Chat.”

Then she was off, disappearing behind the buildings of Paris. Leaving a stunned, upset Cat behind. It took him a while before he could move, and even longer before he reached his home. Detransforming had never felt so draining to him.

“What the everloving Fluff were you thinking?” Plagg raged as soon as the ring set him free. Adrien groaned.

“Not now, Plagg. I really don’t feel up to this now.”

“You don’t feel up to this?” Plagg snarled incredulously. “I don’t feel up to this! I don’t feel up to anything! Ever! And even I can’t let you do something like this!”

“How should I have known she’d react like this?” the boy defended himself. “Lila said-“

“Volpina-Girl! You know she doesn’t like Ladybug! But somehow you thought her love advice is more credible than the answer Ladybug has been giving you for months!”

“But she’s Ladybug! And I’m her Black Cat! We’re completing each other.”

Plagg shook his head.

“Right now, you overgrown airhead, you are about to loose even the most platonic part of her feelings for you. It’s simple: that or nothing, Kiddo.”

Where Ladybug was lonelier than ever, Marinette was soaring high. After Alya apologized for not believing in her innocence regarding the poems, the others soon followed - much to Lila’s dismay. And the compulsive liar got even angrier after seeing how much closer Marinette and Felix were becoming. Marinette found that she didn’t care.

Felix was... odd. He spoke clear and directly, not caring if he sounded rude. He didn’t like warm temperatures, preferring to hide on the shady yard. He listened to classical music, but had beaten Marinette more than once at Freestyle Clash 2.

(“Rap is poetry as well!”, he had defended himself when she teased him about it.)

He also didn’t like crowds, or people in general. But whenever Marinette was chatting with her classmates, she found him listening attentively, even if his eyes were glued to his book. While he didn’t want to be actively involved, he wasn’t antisocial either.

And to be honest, she appreciated his silent company more than ever when her other friends became... overwhelming. Being around Felix was easy. His mere presence was calming, as if everything was in control.

“Girl, are you there? ‘Cause if I’m not losing my senses you’re staring at Mister Icecold instead of Sunshine Boy.”

Marinette blinked, pulled back into the real world. Alya was looking at her expectantly, eyebrows raised so high they almost vanished beneath her hair.

“I didn’t!”, Marinette insisted, but Alya rolled her eyes.

“Come on, you’ve been hanging out with him and him alone for the past week! What’s up with that?”

“Nothing! I just really like Felix, that’s all. You know I have a crush on Adrien.”

Alya’s eyes were scrutinizing but playful.

“Hm... If you say so?” She chuckled. “I should be glad. Frosty is kind of scaring me, actually. He’s so rude!”

Marinette huffed with arms akimbo.

“He’s just... honest! And hasn’t been around people much. He doesn’t mean to be rude, he just doesn’t want to lie for politeness’ sake either.”

“I don’t mean that. At least, not only that. He’s been glaring at Lila whenever she tries to speak with him.”

Marinette sighed. They’d talked this over at least a dozen times already, and while Marinette didn’t call Lila a Liar openly anymore, she did like to give hints. Which Alya successfully ignored.

“Just... let’s get to class. I don’t want to be late again.”

While Felix hated nothing more than talking during the lessons (“It’s disrespectful!”) he did communicate from time to time. Over the course of the week, they had developed an intricate language of stolen glances and discreet expressions that was comprehensible to them alone.

When Marinette fell into her seat next to him and replied “present” upon hearing her name from Mme Bustier, he gave her a concerned look from her to Alya.

Everything okay with you two?

Marinette shrugged and rolled her eyes.

Just the usual disagreement.

He huffed, concentrating on the lesson, but not without nudging her leg with his knee. His gesture for showing support.

“Before we continue with Napoleon, let me make an announcement.”, Mme Bustier caught her class’s attention. “Since you’ve all been so eager and hardworking during Monsieur Agreste’s bowler hat contest, I’ve been looking for another opportunity to let your creativity run free.”

She smiled at the front row.

“Since Lila has so generously helped me out, You now have the chance to participate in a competition called “Journalism Junior”, hosted by Alec Cataldi and Nadja Chamack.”

The class cheered and Alya high fived Lila, who smiled as Adrien patted her on the shoulder. A sharp pang in Marinette’s chest made her look away.

“If you want to enter the competition, you’ll have to create a report on something that greatly impacted you, until next Friday,” Mme Bustier continued. “It can be about your greatest inspirations or fears, a problem you want to draw attention to or something you want to support. Copying is as always,” a sharp glance at Chloé and Sabrina, “strictly forbidden! This is about an honest and genuine insight into Paris’ youth, so be true to yourselves!”

As soon as Mme Bustier finished, the class was alive with the buzz of excited students.

“Journalism! Not really my specialty, but sounds interesting.”, Marinette beamed at her gloomy neighbor. “I think I’ll do something about fashion! Or baking? Or media design?”

Felix only huffed and Marinette stilled.

“Is... everything okay?”

He blinked and straightened himself.

“Yes, of course. Journalism just isn’t my cup of tea.”

He leaned his head sideways.

“You should do something about fashion. You’re talking about it constantly, and I’ve seen your room. If something has an impact on you, it’s designing.”

“You’re right!”, she agreed, already thinking about what sketches she should work with. “Oh, will you do the report on your poems? No, wait, they’re personal. Your music then? I’ve heard you play the violin in the art room, it’s magical!”

Felix’ cheeks appeared a bit more saturated for a moment, almost as if he were blushing, but it disappeared when he shook his head.

“I won’t participate at all.”, he clarified sternly. “I’ve had enough people trying to peak into my life. But I’ll help you with yours. You’re horrible with deadlines.”

“True”, she grimaced. “But I don’t get why the behavior of other journalists should keep you from trying something out yourself!”

His fingers twitched, betraying that this was about something entirely else. A bit gentler she added: “Are you sure you don’t want to do something of your own? It’s different if other people try to drag your personal life into the limelight, or if you willingly share something on your own terms.”

“Hm...”, he murmured, before giving her one of his rare smiles. “You are exceptionally smart, Marinette. I appreciate your advice.”

She rolled her eyes. He could’ve as well written her a thank you letter, as formal as he was.

“Thanks. But don’t think I haven’t noticed you’re deflecting!”

She backed down anyway. Felix obviously didn’t want to share his thought process with her, but hopefully, he just needed some time.

Or maybe she was just misinterpreting his behavior and blowing things out of proportion. Wouldn’t be the first time for her.

Felix might not look the part, but he did think about what Marinette had said. She was right, of course. There was a difference between someone stealing his secrets, and himself sharing them. But to him it had always been technical at best, a mere incongruence in terminology.

Insisting on being involved in Mum’s company from an early age on had put him in the spotlight far more than he’d anticipated, then. When he took up modeling – the only way to help he was given, his mother didn’t want him to “waste his childhood with adults work” – he’d become a minor celebrity basically overnight. It hadn’t gotten better when he grew up.

He’d always felt like some sort of public property, a puppet for others to project onto, or a fancy building people went sightseeing for on weekends. More than once his mother had to hire security people to ensure he had some semblance of peace outside, without being bothered by fans or paparazzi. His father’s position and... attitude certainly hadn’t helped to give him some personal space. So, at one point... he’d simply stopped going amongst people. And he didn’t mind that!

But the week he’d spent with Marinette, or even Aurore and Marc, had made him realize that while he could be on his own... he didn’t want to, anymore. Not always at least. They were so... generous with everything, sharing help or stories or simply their company with him. Especially Marinette, without ever expecting anything in return.

He wanted to return something, though. Anything to let her know he appreciated her. To make her smile the way she drew out his own.

So when school was over, he waited for her to pack up her things and get ready to go.

“You wouldn’t happen to be free this afternoon?”, he asked quietly. There where a few other students left in the room, Rossi and Agreste among them, and while he’d never concern himself enough with them to whisper, he wouldn’t push his luck either. This afternoon should go as smoothly as possible.

Marinette smiled and nodded.

“Sure! Want to come over for lunch again? Maman made Quiche.”

He saw Adrien perk up four rows further, and Felix himself found his determination waver. The Dupain-Cheng Quiche was a work of high culinary art, as he’d learned the last time he’d visited Marinette. But no! He had to stay strong! This was for Marinette!

“Actually, I’d hoped you came back home with me for lunch.”

He fidgeted a little, which was odd for him since it usually annoyed him on other people.

“It’s as you said, I should try to share things willingly, on my own terms, and you... make me feel like it can’t be that hard.”

Her smile was replaced by a look of surprise and he mentally kicked himself.

“You don’t have to! It was just an idea, but it doesn’t have to be today. Or ever.”

Why would she want to have lunch with him if her parents were already culinary deities? His mere invitation after tasting their creations was an affront to their craft.

To his relief, however, Marinette didn’t seem to mind his proposal.

“I’d love to come over! I’ll just have to call my parents before.”

She gave him one of her playful smirks that usually came before reading him.

“You actually listened to me? I’m impressed!”

His slight pang of disappointment that he wouldn’t get his beloved Quiche today was drowned out by his happiness to enjoy her company a bit longer. When she turned away to call her parents, he realized he should probably give his mother a heads up as well. He sighed. Mum would be over the moon once she heard he was bringing a friend over.

What had he done?

Lila was prepared. She was cool. She was completely fine with Felix asking the walking mess named Marinette out for lunch. And the pen she’d snapped would’ve broken anyway, she was sure.

Not that it mattered. Pigtails could revel in his attention all day, for all she cared. It wouldn’t last.

“Madame Bustier?”, she called the teacher as soon as the other students were gone.

“Lila! Is something the matter?”, the woman asked her new official favorite student. “I hope you didn’t mind that I thanked you in front of the class. I didn’t want to put you in the spotlights so unprompted, but you were a great help and that should be acknowledged.”

Lila smiled modestly.

“Oh, I don’t mind. I just like to help out.”

Herself, first and foremost. The contest was merely a puzzle piece in her scheme.

“Speaking of that,” she continued, “I wanted to ask for a small favor, if it’s no problem.”

“Of course, Lila. What is it?”

“It’s Marinette.” she began, putting on a sheepish face. “We didn’t have the best start, and her behavior last week when I proposed to change the seating again... I think she still holds some sort of grudge against me.”

She paused for a moment, to let the hint settle before she continued.

“I wanted to help her out a bit, so we can become friends! She’s always so busy as class rep, and I fear that the contest might add some weight to her load.”

“That’s so sweet of you! What were you thinking about?”

She had Bustier wrapped around her finger, now.

“Well, I obviously can’t help her with her report.” she mused out loud. “I don’t want to influence her in any way, so she doesn’t get disqualified for copying something by accident. So I hoped I could help her with her class rep duties! Usually, Alya does that, but she’s so passionate about her report and I don’t want to distract her.”

“Very considerate!”, she praised. “What duties would you like to take over for now?”

Now came the important part.

“Oh, Kim has been sick for a while now.” she reminded her. “I wanted to bring him some of the work we did, and inform him about the contest. And the swimming team asked Marinette to bring him the bag he forgot last time. Would it be alright if you gave me his address?”

She seemed to think for a moment before searching for a list in her bag.

“Usually, I’m not allowed to give out personal information.”, the teacher confessed. “But I think in this case, we can call it an exception, don’t we?”

“Of course”, Lila agreed dutifully as she skimmed the list Bustier held out to her. LeChien, Kim... there. And directly above: Leanne, Felix. Smiling, she typed the address into her phone. Felix’ address, of course. Max was already bringing Kim his homework, and the forgotten bag was a lie.

“Thank you so much, Madame!”, Lila said genuinely when she put her phone away and walked towards the door. “Oh, one last thing! Would you maybe... not tell Marinette I asked for this? I want to surprise her.”

��Don’t worry!”, Bustier said cluelessly. “I‘ll forget you asked me for anything.”

“You are the best, Madame! Good bye!”

She didn’t her her teacher’s reply, she was already out of the door. Her phone was on and she pulled up the pictures she’d taken of Felix’ calendar.

He was meticulous when it came to organizing his day, and she was more than grateful for it. He would be home by now, and lunch with his mother would last until 15 o’clock. He’d made a note not to disturb her from 15 to 16 o’clock, since Madame Leanne was in a meeting. From 16 to 18 o’clock, he’d be busy with his violin lessons.

Perfect.

But before her plan could be set in motion, she had another little tale to spin.

“Nino!”, she called when Adrien’s best friend came into her sight. “Wait for me!”

He was alone when she reached him. This was almost too easy.

“Wow, everything alright, dudette?” Nino asked, concerned that she’d hurried so much to catch up to him. “You look kinda rushed.”

She smiled and waved it off.

“I’ll be meeting Jagged Stone soon, and I don’t want to be late. I showed him your latest tape by the way, and he was really impressed.”

“Really?!”

“Yeah! But I really have to hurry now. Could you maybe tell Adrien from me that he doesn’t need to worry. You know, because of the Marinette thing.”

Nino frowned.

“Wait a sec. Marinette thing? Is she or Adrien in trouble?”

Surprised Lila put her hand over her mouth.

“Oh no, he didn’t tell you? Oh, I messed up! I’m so sorry!”

“What did you mess up? C’mon, I’m not telling anyone.”

She looked from side to side, as if worried others might overhear.

“I’m sure he meant to tell you.” she started secretively. “It’s just that... he’s been worried about Marinette. He thought she acted so weirdly over my proposal that Felix should sit with us in the front, that maybe she doesn’t like him. He thinks Marinette is ignoring, or outright bullying Felix.”

“What? I mean, that dude is giving me the creeps, but Marinette is super close with him.”

She forced a smile.

“You’re right, I noticed that too! But, you know, Adrien has been isolated so long... he just doesn’t know how to read the atmosphere, you know?”

“Yeah, he’s kinda oblivious.”

“I just wanted him to stop worrying so much. He was really concerned when he thought Felix and Marinette might not get along.”

Nino gave her a thumbs up.

“Don’t worry about him, I’ll soothe his nerves. You go meet Jagged Stone!”

“Thank you so much!”, she said, and meant every word. He was really useful, even though he made her cringe. “Oh, but maybe don’t tell him you heard this from me. He didn’t tell anyone else, and I don’t want him to think he can’t trust me.”

“Sure thing, dudette!”

“Bye-bye, then! And thank you!”

Lila smiled as she ran off. Everything was fitting perfectly together. The best tool to keep Marinette away from Felix was her crush on Adrien. The best way to use her crush was his dislike of Felix, and his assumption he knew what was best for his friends. The closer he thought them to be, the more he’d try to spread his animosity towards Felix onto Marinette, who’d do everything to please him.

Now Lila only had to wait.

- - -

I’m happy over every reblog, Part 5 is on its way. Here’s the tag list:

@crazycookie13o @a-6-yearold-inside @sinfulfoxbeast @kuroko26 @sternsneeze @zeyheartstaylor @elliecake5 @kristycocopop @yamadochie @sofmimis @enigmaticagitator @offically-over-it @earth-demon @juhavs @omgelisahagemanuniverse @owllover132 @kaydenth3gayden @janaikam @mewwitch

#miramu writes #wttb #welcome to the back #felinette fanfic #ml felix #miraculous ladybug #mlb #marinette dupain cheng #adrien agreste #ml salt #ml spite #felix month

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abysmalll · 3 years

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Hi. I know it’s been a while. I try to stay active on here when I can, and I reblog photos I like or poetry that resonates with me, anything really, every now and then. I can’t believe I’ve had this blog since I was 14 years old. I’m turning 25 next month. It feels like I’ve lived an entire lifetime on the internet.

I’m writing this because I need to write about it. I need to accept this experience that I am having for what it is and putting words to it helps me. It helps me cope. And I don’t care if anybody reads it. Tumblr is a dead art anyway. This is me writing to the abyss of the internet, a love letter if you will, to myself, about a traumatic experience.

It has been a week since I accidentally drugged myself with 500 mg of delta 8 cannabinoid (in the form of a gummy). I bought this “sampler pack” of what I thought to be CBD gummies a couple of weekends ago while a friend was visiting from Florida. The shop did not seem sketchy, it was a legitimate dispensary, and the men behind the counter were wearing lab coats and seemed pretty knowledgeable about THC and CBD products. Originally, I bought the sampler pack thinking it was CBD isolate only. I didn’t even think the dosage was that high, maybe 25 mg tops. You know, CBD. The thing you can buy in lotions and bath bombs at those kiosks in the mall. The safe weed alternative: suitable for relaxing muscles, calming mind and body, and relieving anxiety. The sampler pack that I bought did not have many descriptions on it: just the brand and that it was a CBD + delta 8 gummy. I did not realize that delta 8 was another form of THC. I did not know that it was a synthetically / lab altered version of a part of the weed plant or anything that would cause me to get extremely high. When I saw the packaging, I just thought, cool CBD gummies. This will help me have a relaxing night, maybe a good night’s sleep. I never bought them with the intention to get fucked up. I never would have bought them if I knew what delta 8 actually was. To be fair, it was completely misrepresented to me by the men at the store I bought them from. I was under the full impression that this was a relaxing CBD gummy sampler. I did not know that, in reality, what myself and a friend were about to consume was 1000 mg of straight cannabis product (500 mg CBD + 500 mg delta 8). From all of the research I’ve done on delta 8 (now having experienced what I experienced), in reddit forums and the like, experienced users of the weed alternative say that they stay away from anything stronger than 100 mg. 100 mg is enough to fuck you up pretty heavily. To clarify, I took 1000 mg (half CBD / half delta 8). I basically had 25x the “strong” amount for experienced users. Now some people have a hard time getting high, their tolerance is pretty up there, and they need up to 400 mg to really feel it and feel it hard. To clarify again, I still had much more than 400 mg. Now to the experience:

My friend and I had just gotten back to my place after spending the day at a town festival (nothing big due to COVID, just a couple of booths set up of people selling their handmade products, animal shelters and sanctuaries giving out informational pamphlets and volunteer lists, etc.) We got lunch with a third friend after that. I was feeling totally normal. I had a beer at lunch, but pretty sober to say the least. We parted ways with our third friend and headed back to my house. I had originally given the gummies to my friend to hold on to (we would’ve taken them a few weeks prior when I originally bought them but we ended up not that specific night) and she brought them back to me so we could try together. I hesitated at first. I held the gelatinous square in my hand, thumbed it around a bit, a little anxious at the thought of “well I hope this isn’t TOO strong” and thought “what the hell”. And I ate it. She ate the other one. Little did I know how strong it would actually turn out to be. (For context: I am a very light smoker. I have a CBD pen that is 1:1 THC but is very mellow, and I smoke J’s every now and then because I don’t like the feeling of getting too high from bongs or other methods. My friend who ate the other gummy is a daily user. She smokes CBD joints and regular weed daily, eats edibles frequently, and is working on getting her medical card for anxiety).

I felt a slight giggly out-of-it-ness after 30 minutes - right away I was feeling it, feeling something. This was what I was expecting. A very mild happy vibe. This felt okay. This felt normal for what I thought I ate. This was what I had signed up for. I still felt pretty normal besides the slight buzz. Perfect. Just something to help me relax a little bit. Something to take the edge off. Akin to drinking a beer after a long day at work. I spoke in the parking lot with my friend for 45 minutes after ingestion and we both felt and seemed pretty normal. Keep in mind, edibles take time to fully kick in. In my head I completely forgot that I ate that gummy. I thought its full purpose had been fulfilled. I thought I was at the level I was supposed to be at all along. I felt fine. My friend drove home. Thank GOD she got home before it really kicked in. I would’ve felt terrible with that on my conscience if it hit her while driving.

And then I came back inside after she left. I noticed that I felt slightly more out of it, a little bit at a Dutch angle if you will. Nothing to worry about though. Just thought to myself; oh, I’m high. This was more than I was expected. But that’s okay. I told my boyfriend (with my tail between my legs: he’s not a huge fan of weed-anything but he doesn’t care that I imbibe every now and then). I told him “babe, I just thought you should know… That I ate a gummy with ___ and I’m actually feeling high right now”. And that was that. He smirked and said “okay pothead”. Went about our usual business. I smelled myself after standing outside in the heat for 45 minutes in that parking lot and thought, ugh I stink.

And then I took a shower.

I felt okay in the shower. Just normal. The hot water rolling down my body. I wasn’t having a break from reality. Not yet anyway.

And then I got out of the shower.

I wrapped my hair in a towel. I threw on an oversized t-shirt, something comfortable. The cool air after being in a hot shower wrapped around me in a ghostly hug. At this point in time, I don’t know if the drastic change in temperature triggered it. I don’t know. All I know is it had been an hour and a half since ingestion at this point and this act of getting out of the shower was the precipice for what I was about to experience. What I was about to fall into. I FaceTimed my friend to see how she was feeling. It hadn’t hit her at all yet. Okay, slight anxiety. Was I the only one feeling this? Was I feeling something I shouldn’t be? My boyfriend and I had given her a spare TV recently and I wanted to see if she was having any troubleshooting issues with it (she was hooking it up, seeing if the google chromecast still worked, etc). We spoke on FaceTime. I anxiously asked her if she was sure she wasn’t feeling anything.. I didn’t like the prospect of me being the only one feeling out of sorts. She insisted that she was feeling fine.

And then she couldn’t speak in full sentences. I thought it was me. I thought I wasn’t hearing her correctly, or processing her words in the way I should be. Anxiety. And then she said: OH. I feel it. I am high. This is not just CBD.

And then I fell.

Not physically. I didn’t physically fall down. I sat there on FaceTime with her, and I felt myself getting higher and higher, and I already had anxiety from what I thought would be a simple CBD sleepy gummy turning out to be a full on edible experience. I felt myself (my consciousness, whatever part of my personality that makes me - me) fall out of my body. I felt myself and my body disconnect. The only way I can explain it is that feeling you get when you’re falling asleep, and your mind isn’t fully asleep yet but your body is. Where you become aware of the fact that you’re falling asleep and you panic and your consciousness snaps back into your body and you jolt out of bed, alert. That feeling. That is the closest thing to what I was experiencing. Except I wasn’t sleeping. I was fully awake. I was tripping. And not only was I tripping, I was tripping BALLS.

I felt my heart lurch out of my chest. In a shaky voice I said “I have to go” and hung up. I jumped out of bed (I was FaceTiming her while laying in bed). I went to tell my boyfriend what was going on. I told him, “Hey- I’m not feeling normal. This isn’t supposed to be happening. I’m not supposed to be feeling this way right now”. I was going from anxiety mode to panic mode. I felt it happening. Except the whole time, I was high out of my mind. Completely, unexpectedly so. In complete and full honesty, I wasn’t associating this right away to the gummy. Because in my mind, I didn’t buy an edible. I bought what I thought was something else. I thought it was just a simple CBD gummy. Something to help me sleep. This couldn’t be causing me to feel this way, right? No. I have to be having a heart attack or something. Something’s wrong with my body. Something’s wrong with my brain. The two are not connecting. I’m phasing in and out. I feel my heart rate begin to rise along with my panic. I have an Apple Watch, and in a moment of clarity (and stupidity) I thought it best to put it on. I needed to check my heart rate. I fully thought I was having a heart attack and this mental detachment I was experiencing was the result of a serious bodily issue rather than the gummy I ingested two hours prior. I put the watch on. Heart rate is at 135. Okay, not terrible but not great. That’s the heart rate of a person who is jogging. That’s the heart rate of a person who is doing an exercise. I’m laying in bed. Why is my heart rate that high? Oh god. I’m feeling terrible. I’m feeling out of my body. My vision is getting darker and I feel like I’m inside my head watching everything happen on the giant movie screen that is my eyes, but I’m not outside of the screen. I’m experiencing this panic, but not in my body. I wish I could explain it better than this. I wish I could have it make sense to the average person. But the reality of it was that I was not experiencing something that you would normally experience unless you were blackout drunk, tripping balls, having a psychotic break, or drugged. Heart rate is creeping up higher and higher. I’m googling what a normal healthy heart rate is for a person of my size and weight (female, 5’2”, 110 lbs, 24 y/o). I read a sentence that says “if your blood pressure exceeds 180 or higher seek immediate medical attention”. I confused heart rate and blood pressure in the whirl of cortisol and adrenaline and fear. I check my watch again. 184 BPM.

Total. Fucking. Panic.

I felt my heart beating OUT of my chest. It felt like what I imagine holding a hummingbird feels like. It wasn’t beating, buzzing. My heart was buzzing. I thought, is this what it feels like to die? Am I going to die, right here, right now, in my bed? 24 years old? I just graduated college. I haven’t even started my first salaried job yet. I haven’t been married. I haven’t had kids. I haven’t bought my first house. I haven’t experienced so many things and I am about to die, right here, right now. My entire body was numb. Pins and needles. I thought: “I am having a heart attack. 184 BPM. My vision is going dark. I am fully going to pass out”. I yelled out for my boyfriend, at this point in the other room. He rushes in. I tell him what’s happening. He begins to panic. Not knowing how to calm me down. He tries to get me to do breathing techniques with him. It’s past the point for that. I told him, I need to go to the hospital. I need to be near a defibrillator in case that’s really what this is, a heart attack. Because I have a better chance of survival if I’m near a machine. If my heart gives out. I’m trying to communicate this as best I can, while being sky high. I can barely speak. He says, “okay we’re gonna go see ___ (our roommate, and a good friend of mine).” And he guides me downstairs. I stand up on my feet. I feel like I’m a thousand feet in the air and yet so incredibly small. We make our way downstairs to our roommates’ room. He knocks, she lets us in. I stumble in like a drowned rat, hair still wet from the shower. I must’ve looked fucking insane. She takes one look at me but I don’t see her face. I don’t process a face on her head. I just see a blur. I’m still panicking. Heart still beating like a hummingbird. I hear them talking in rushed tones but I don’t hear words. It sounds like the Peanut Gallery parents, if you’ve ever watched Charlie Brown movies. Womp womp womp womp womp.

Next thing I know, she hops out of bed and is wrapping me up in a blanket. She runs to her bathroom and grabs a pot of what smells like, lavender lotion? She’s rubbing it on my cheeks and face. I’m sobbing and all I smell is salt from my tears and lavender. She’s talking to me, but I don’t fully hear her. Like when you watch those movies of a person coming-to in the hospital and the faces of the people surrounding them in their hospital bed blur in and out, the voices fade in and out. I hear her ask me what’s going on. I tell her basically everything I wrote here, just now, but I don’t hear myself say it. The synapses in my brain aren’t firing properly. I know I’m doing things, speaking, but I can’t hear what I’m saying. I know I’m sitting here, wrapped in this blanket, but I don’t know where my body ends and the furniture begins. Cause for more anxiety. It feels like a never ending loop of fear and panic and sensory deprivation, or at least sensory overload? Who knows. My sensory experience is not of this Earth. Sitting in this space, in this room, hearing her talk to me, not really knowing what she is saying but knowing there is care behind it, gives me one small pin point of reality to hold onto. One tiny thing to save me from this seemingly endless nightmare. She takes the watch off of me. I hear her tell me I don’t need to be looking at that right now. No wonder my heart rate is through the roof. I’m giving myself a panic attack.

A panic attack. Is that what this is? Am I not having a heart attack? It sure feels like one. I guess they’re pretty similar. I was convinced, CONVINCED, I was dying. But here I was, some while later, wrapped in this burrito blanket in this room, and I was still experiencing things. Even if the experiences were warped and horrifying. It wasn’t death. But what was it then?

And then I remembered that I ate a gummy two hours earlier. I was having a drug induced panic attack. I was never expecting this. I was NEVER expecting this… What the fuck WAS this? It wasn’t normal. It was exactly what I discovered it to be later on, after researching the label of that sampler pack. It was 1000 mg of CBD and delta 8, a FDA-loophole for weed. And I was buckled in for the full fucking ride.

If you’re wondering what was going on with my friend, she was still high. She was experiencing a strong high from that gummy, but we had nowhere near similar experiences. I was on Mars. She, I think, fell asleep a little later on and woke up the next day ready to smoke again. I am amazed at how vastly different our experiences were. I would give anything to have had that kind of experience. I would’ve loved to wake up the next day, head slightly fuzzy, but feeling normal all the same, and been able to conceive of smoking weed. And if we’re being completely honest, I’m so incredibly grateful that she didn’t experience this. I would not wish this on ANY person. It was my fault that I ate that gummy, and I gave her one too. We could’ve both been fucked. At least it’s only me. My burden to carry.

But being alone in it is scary. And guess what. I woke up the next day, not feeling like myself. Not feeling normal. Not feeling present.

And I’ve woken up every day since in a completely altered state of being. I’m obviously here, I’m breathing, I’m trying to do regular tasks that I do every day. But everything feels so much harder. Everything feels fuzzy. My body feels numb. Some days are worse than others, but for the most part, nothing ever feels normal. I’m realizing that what I’m experiencing is DPDR from a drug induced panic attack. And I’ve cried every single day since that fucking day. It’s been a full week and I’m still having a break from reality. I still feel fuzzy, and like my head and my body aren’t connected, and I’m feeling depressed. I have racing thoughts. I can’t think myself out of this. I know it might seem like I’m fully lucid if I’m able to write all of this, but I’m writing this from a dreamlike state of semi-reality. I still don’t feel real, and people and places don’t feel real. Temperature changes send me into a panic. I zone out and realize that I’m not in my head and even when I “come to” I’m still not FULLY zoned in. My ears and head feel clogged, or like they’re full of cotton balls. I want so badly to escape this feeling but no matter what I do, everything feels surreal. I have no sense of time. I cannot process words. Even writing this, I guarantee you that I forgot 80% of it already. I have to reread things several times to make sure they make sense. If I’m watching a television show, I feel like I’m seeing characters talking to each other but not absorbing anything being said. How am I supposed to live like this? I’m so fucking scared. I can’t eat without feeling weird. I can’t sleep without feeling weird. I can’t do anything. I’m supposed to start my new job on Monday, and I have to be fully aware to do my training, and I’m so afraid of failing because I can barely do the bare minimum right now. I’ve considered going to the hospital but what good would that do? They would think I’m having a psychotic break and admit me to a mental hospital, where I’d be surrounded by unfamiliar people and settings, and be unable to leave. And I’d ruin my life. I’d ruin my job opportunity that I spent 6 months post-grad trying to get hired for, and I finally did. I’d ruin my ability to make an income. I’m terrified of ruining my relationships with people right now because I need so much more support from everybody than I ever do. I am so fucking terrified of my life right now because I do not feel real. I convinced myself the other night that I actually died on Saturday and I am not really experiencing any of this. I have anxiety attacks every day now. Little things set me off. I had an anxiety attack at my mom’s today and she is worried about me. Everyone is worried and nobody knows what to do, including me. I cannot live like this. It’s affecting my day to day life in such a strong sense that I can’t do minimal things. Everything frightens me. I just want to feel normal again. So badly. I would do ANYTHING to feel okay again. I just want to be me. Not this shell of a person. I feel like I fucked up my brain.

This isn’t a cry for help. I know realistically there’s nothing that anyone can do. That helplessness has set in. This is just me yelling at the void and hoping it helps me feel something better than this. I want to be real again.

#self #help #dpdr #me #drug induced panic attack #trauma #depersonalisation and derealisation #delta 8

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