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dailylesliec · 4 months

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[TRANSLATION] Leslie's Everything: Tell-All Interview

Upbringing

— First, please allow me to ask you about your upbringing. My family was a textbook example of a middle-class family in Hong Kong. My father was a famous tailor who made clothes for Marlon Brando, Alfred Hitchcock, and WD Hamilton among others, so he earned quite a lot of money for some time. Since my father had come from the Mainland quite recently, he was still distrustful towards Hong Kong in general, so he brought all the money he had earned back to Mainland China and saved it there. Unfortunately, in the Cultural Revolution, all his property was taken away.

— What was your father like? I don’t really recall much about my father because I never lived with my parents. They were busy with work and rented a place somewhere near Central, where they worked. All of us kids lived at our grandmother’s home.

— So would it be accurate to say that you were loved most by your grandmother growing up? Because my grandmother was already quite old, the person who took care of me was a nanny called “Luk Jeh” (lit: Sister Six)* . She was probably the person who understood me most when I was young. * T/N: “Jeh”, lit. sister, is a common term of endearment / politeness for an older woman you are friendly with in Chinese.

— What was “Luk Jeh” like? She’s the greatest woman I have ever had the fortune of knowing. She gave all her love without ever asking for anything in return. She treated everyone like that, but she was especially kind and loving towards me. Regrettably, I’ve never met any woman like her for the rest of my life.

— And her elderly years? After she got old, she lived alone in the house I bought her. She passed away in 1990 in her eighties.

— What’s your most vivid memory from your childhood? When I was six, my grandmother passed away. My grandmother already couldn’t move her feet a few years before her death, so she just sat on a chair the whole day. She would only return to her bed to sleep. When I arrived home that day, I found that she had passed away sitting on the chair. I still remember that scene like it was yesterday.

— What about your brothers and sisters? I was the youngest out of ten brothers and sisters. But two of my brothers (the third and ninth oldest) and one of my sisters (the fourth oldest) passed away when they were little, so there were really only seven of us. I have the same birthday as my deceased brother (the ninth oldest), so they all said that I was his reincarnation. However, even though I had a lot of siblings, the age gap between us was so big that we didn’t really play together. My father wasn’t the kind of man who liked having kids around and my mother was very busy, so I wasn’t very happy as a kid. If you asked me to recall some happy memories from my childhood, I wouldn’t have anything in mind.

— What were you like as a child? I was a bit odd. I wasn’t that childish - I didn’t speak a lot and I was never noticed by the people around me. My family wasn’t especially large, but when we had guests they never noticed my existence. I’m not sure whether I was just born this way. I was very alone and never had anyone to confide in, so maybe that unknowingly shaped my personality.

— Didn’t you play with the kids next door? My parents were very strict. My parents banned me from playing the fun things that the neighbours’ kids liked to play, such as flying kites and milk caps. Back then, you could tell whether a family was sophisticated based on the games their children played. Perhaps my parents didn’t want people to think of us as unsophisticated and lower-class.

About his parents

— It seems like you don’t have many fond memories of your parents. Maybe it just wasn’t meant to be. Our bond was just too weak. There was only one time where my father stayed at home for five days during Chinese New Year. On three of those days though, he was drunk and asleep. That’s my only memory of us living together, so I don’t really understand the familial bonds and love of a regular family. In fact, when I grew up, I was more like a friend to my parents rather than their child.

— When did your father pass away? 1989, the year I left the music industry. When my father passed away, I was touring for “Final Encounter”, so I couldn’t even see him for the last time. It really wasn’t meant to be for us.

— What memories do you have of your mother? In comparison to my father, my memories of my mother are more vivid. In 1988 my mother came to live with me and we lived together for half a year. But… how do I say it? I was used to living alone and my mother and I never had that close mother-son bond, so we couldn’t feel that kind of familial love for each other right away even though we moved in together. I kept trying to close the distance between us and connect with her emotionally, but in the end I could only give her money and material things, so my mother didn’t really seem happy.

*Interviewer’s Note: Leslie’s mother passed away on 18 Oct, 1998*

At that time my mother’s relationship with my father was worsening and she was quite emotionally unstable. Even though she loved my father dearly, he often ignored her. Anyone who was not my father couldn’t make her happy no matter what they did. Even though I tried really hard to cheer her up, I still couldn’t heal the wounds in her heart.

— But you still had a special kind of bond with your mother in contrast to your father, didn’t you? Yes. For example, I always thought it was my father who wanted me to study abroad in the UK. I only found out from my uncle after my mother’s death that she fought for me to go there. My uncle told me that my mother begged my father many times to let me go to the UK… So even though my education wasn’t perfect, the person who let me set up such a good foundation was still my mother.

— Did you think about your mother after she passed away? To be honest, I thought I would just move on after my mother died. But when she actually passed away, I started thinking about a lot of things. I didn’t recall my memories and experiences with my mother - rather, I realised the importance of my mother’s existence in of itself. My birth, the things that bring me joy, sadness… really all kinds of things… I got all of these from my mother when I thought more about it. That’s why I’m really grateful to her.

— Do you ever regret not doing more for your mother before she passed away? *brief silence* …Personally, I feel that I did my best to do everything I was able to do, so I don’t really regret anything. If you asked my mother, she would most certainly be satisfied with what I did too.

Maybe I'm a bit traditional. I’m a strong believer in things like destiny and fate. For my mother and I, we didn’t realise the importance of our existence to each other until a few years before her death. But when we both understood that, it was already too late. She wasn’t able to be my “Ultimate Partner”, but I guess it was just meant to be that way. We couldn’t change it. There was no way to.

First loves and life as a student

— Who was your first love? What was she like? It happened when I was thirteen. To be honest, I’m not even sure if that counts as my first love. She was a very fast runner and was always training. Good looking, slim and looked a bit haughty. I liked those girls when I was younger. Not long after we met though, I left for the UK and nothing really happened between us after that. Three years later I came back to Hong Kong and met her again. The two of us went to Macau together to have some fun and it was there that I had sex for the first time.

— You were sixteen when you lost your virginity? Wasn’t that quite young for your time? Hm, I guess so. But at that time we felt that we loved each other so we just naturally took that step.

— “At that time”? Does that mean you later found out you didn’t actually love each other? Put it this way. We slowly found out that we didn’t look at problems the same way or have the same worldview. Eventually, she got married to one of my classmates and they even had kids. We bumped into each other last year, but we just chatted for a bit before going our separate ways.

— Do you still think about her a lot? No, no. I think she lives overseas now. Either way, even if I saw her right here right now, I don’t really have any special feelings for her anymore.

— You must have been very popular with the girls when you were still in school. You mean me? *very blunt* Not at all. I didn’t even think about if girls would like me. Even though my friends and classmates really wanted to win the affection of girls, I didn’t really feel that way. I was just really invested in sports like netball and volleyball.

— Are you an introvert then? Maybe. At the very least, I’m definitely not an extrovert. *laughs*

Dream Job

— As a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up? I actually had two dreams. First, I wanted to be a doctor. But I inherited shaky hands, so that was out of the question. I also wanted to be a pilot, but I was scared, so that was out of the question too. *laughs* Even now when I’m on a plane and there’s turbulence, I get scared.

— And now? What’s your current dream job? I want to be an interior designer or some kind of art critic. I’m really interested in that kind of stuff. Also, I really really want to be a very talented pianist. The piano really is an amazing invention. If you’re stressed, you can just play the piano and all your worries go away.

I especially want to play the piano because I compose my own songs now. But I guess if I was actually able to play the piano, maybe I wouldn’t be able to compose songs freely!

— It’s not too late to start learning how to play the piano! No, no. I couldn’t before, I can’t now, and I can’t in the future… my left and right hand aren’t the same. When I was 22, I had two tumours on the back of my left wrist and the bone of my left hand. I even had surgery done for it. Because of this, my left hand slowly became smaller and couldn’t exert much force. I did a lot of stuff to keep it balanced with my right hand and it looks mostly normal now, but my left hand is still quite weak.

Studying in the UK

— You went to study in the UK when you were only 13. Did you want that for yourself? Or was it just your parents’ wishes? Of course I wanted it for myself. I had good grades in primary school, but they slid straight down when I got to secondary school because I was terrible at maths. In secondary school, there was algebra and all kinds of weird stuff. The material suddenly became much more difficult. I was always a humanities type of guy. I excelled in subjects like literature and music, but I was horrible at science subjects and maths. I wasn’t good at theoretical and sciencey stuff. I heard that the maths was much easier overseas: Oh, so there’s a way out! That’s what I thought at the time. *laughs*

— And was the maths in the UK really easy? Yeah. Even I managed to get by. My best subject was English Literature. I was the best at it in my grade and even got a prize for it.

— And which writer did you specialise in studying? DH Lawrence and Shakespeare. I loved reading poems even when I was in Hong Kong and I even won prizes for reciting them in a few competitions. I’m the type of person who’s really good at distinguishing between what I’m good at and what I’m bad at.

— You mentioned earlier that you want to be an interior designer. But wouldn’t that be difficult if you’re not good at maths? Yeah. Honestly, I’m really interested in architecture and design, but if you actually let me design a home, it might all fall apart really quickly. So if I were to actually become an interior designer, I can only work on the decorations and arrangements. *laughs* Stuff like this piece of furniture should go here, that kind of furniture should go with this decoration… That’s about the extent of my capabilities. I’d get in trouble if I did anything else. *laughs again*

— I noticed that you didn’t study literature in university. Yeah. I majored in textile management. That was my father’s wish. As a father, it’s only natural for you to want your children to learn something related to your own career. Unfortunately, half of my father's body became paralysed because of his drinking habits before I could graduate. I was therefore suddenly told to come back to Hong Kong, so that ended in failure.

Becoming a singer and idol

— When you came back to Hong Kong you joined RTV (now ATV)’s singing contest. What was that like? I often sang at the place my friends worked at when I was in the UK. When I came back to Hong Kong, I found that English songs were quite popular so I wanted to see if I could break into the industry. To be honest, I was half goofing around. I never thought about becoming a singer.

— But you got second place and signed a contract with RTV… I did, but I didn't become popular instantly. From 1977 when I debuted until I released “Monica” in 1983, I was pretty much a nobody. During that time I sang English songs and wore jeans and sweatshirts, but the trend back then was for people to wear suits and sing seriously. I was young and had a baby face. Maybe I just didn’t fit the requirements for an idol of that time.

— Do you have any unforgettable memories from that time? Oh, I have a lot. I can think of one incident that was the most painful - no, miserable for me. One time, I was a performer at a concert where a lot of famous singers were performing. When it was my turn to go on stage, I threw my hat into the crowd. No one caught it - in fact, they tossed it back! That was so cruel. *laughs* There was a time when I had to go through stuff like that. Now I’m almost nostalgic for it, but I was pretty incensed about it back then.

— On the other hand, you started playing major roles quite early on in your acting career. Were you always interested in becoming an actor? I’ve always been interested in acting. I was lucky that as soon as I started out, I was already playing the main characters. If my memory serves me well, my first movie was released in 1979. It was a comedy with some… slightly sexual parts. But because I didn’t really have a choice in the roles I played, I took on all sorts of roles. I was young and wanted to earn some money, so I just acted in everything. Even though I can’t be proud of some of my parts, I don’t regret anything. That’s how people mature along with time.

— Are there any of your movies that you wouldn’t want to watch again? No, actually. But when I see some of my older films, I feel bad just thinking about my situation at the time. Back then, I never had over HKD$1000 in my bank account. I kept thinking, “Wouldn’t it be nice to have a thousand dollars…”

— Didn’t you feel disheartened during those seven years of being a nobody? To be honest, I never found that period long. The reason I say this is because the entertainment industry at the time didn’t really have anyone who became a star the moment they debuted. It was practically common sense that it’d take ten or so years to become a star.

— So did you believe that one day you’d become a star too? Hmm, how do I say this? Even though I wasn’t totally sure that it would happen, I was always waiting for an opportunity to arrive. The stars at the time like Sam Hui, Roman Tam and George Lam influenced me heavily too. In Hong Kong though, it’s impossible to become famous or popular just by copying others. You can’t become a star without your own speciality or being unique.

— Were you influenced a lot by Japanese idols? A lot. I feel like I’m more influenced by Japanese singers than local ones. Hideki Saijo, Kenji Sawada, Mayumi Itsuwa… and especially Momoe Yamaguchi, all influenced me heavily. My version of her song, “The Wind Blows On” was certified gold. “Monica” did even better and was certified platinum. To me though, “The Wind Blows On” was more impactful. That’s why I put the gold record in my coffee shop as a decoration.

— From that moment onwards, you became an extremely popular idol. What was the life of an idol like? I was much busier back then than I am now. As someone who was both acting and singing, my work was mostly for my singing career. Also, the need to win awards was much stronger… like a “hungry artist”. Whatever opportunity arose, be it an advertisement or a performance overseas, I would take it. At the time I was just constantly in an emotionally taut state. An idol’s life isn’t as happy as people think it is. To satisfy the audience, you have to constantly be charming and handsome. For the audience, for your fans… I kept thinking like that and slowly lost my sense of self. It was like I wasn’t myself anymore.

About Mr Tong

— Do you think your personality is suitable for being a celebrity? I think so. I’m not really a fan of a fixed work schedule and job, but in this industry, the people around me all help me and I decide the rules for my own game. Of course, as an idol, sometimes your privacy gets violated which isn’t a pleasant feeling. But I’ve never liked jobs with rigorous schedules. As an artist, as long as you put out good work, you can create the rules. That was really attractive to me.

— Are you bothered by gossip? I’ve gotten much better at dealing with it. I think it’s because my fans don’t believe in all those unverified news articles springing up everywhere - rather, they believe in me and my integrity. People who believe in gossip won’t believe me no matter what I say. So there’s really not much use in being bothered by gossip. In the end, people will believe what they want to believe.

— Even though you say that, it must make you uncomfortable. They have no right to say those things… Well, of course I’ll feel uncomfortable. When talking about my mother’s funeral a while ago, the press chose to put the spotlight on Mr Tong (Daffy) rather than my mother’s death. I thought that was really unfair and it showed no respect for the dead. Even though I’m an artist and it’s only normal for people to write about me, I can’t tolerate people writing all kinds of rubbish about my siblings and my friends. They shouldn’t be the target of the media’s abuse. I really want to protect them, and I feel that I have the ability to do so as well.

— To you, what’s Mr Tong’s position in your life? He’s my best friend. I can tell him everything. He’s like a little brother to me. We’ve known each other since we were young, my mother was his godmother [Interviewer’s Note: In China, apart from biological parents, people have the habit of getting godparents 乾爸媽 for their children’s future. People treat their godparents like their own relatives.] Especially after his family moved to the US… he was just like a member of our family.

I think I’ll be indebted to him for the rest of my life. Before I became famous, I urgently needed a good amount of money because of a certain incident. I think that was the toughest time of my life. He didn’t say anything and just found a way to get the amount of money. That was worth months of his income. I only heard through the grapevine later that he ate only the cheapest takeout for lunch every day afterwards because of how costly it was for him. He was the only friend who treated me so well in my hour of need. So I’ll always treat him like my lifelong friend. He’s not just one of my friends. To me, he’s a very special, very important friend.

— The media has been speculating a lot about your relationship with Mr Tong. What do you think about that? I really hate it. I’m okay with it, but he’s just a normal guy. Yet the reporters chase him all around Hong Kong and take all kinds of pictures. It even disrupts him from doing his job… I really feel ashamed about it.

It’s the same for my brothers and sisters. Don’t write all kinds of rubbish just because one of my siblings is getting divorced. I’m alright with the press writing whatever about me, but I really don’t want you all to write about my family and friends. That’s just not fair!

On dating and marriage

— Let’s talk more about you. People say that a big part of your charm is your mysteriousness… That’s because I don’t talk about my personal business in public and I rarely make news for the press. How meaningless would it be if I just exposed everything about myself? Of course, I’m not saying I shut myself in at home every day and hide from everyone. The reason why I opened up a coffee shop was so that I could create a place where I could meet my fans. As long as you bump into me, I’ll sign an autograph for you and we can even take pictures together. My door is always open.

However, I don’t want to publicise my home, my life, and my friends and family. I just want to keep my privacy. There’s always someone asking, “Don’t you want to get married?”! That’s my own personal business. I don’t think there’s a need for me to answer that question. — But as your fans, it’s only natural for them to care. They’ll think, “Why can’t, or rather won’t, a guy as charming as Leslie get married?” Do you really want to know that badly? *laughs* To put it simply, I’ve never had any dreams about getting married. I don’t dare to believe in marriage. There’s a lot of divorcees in my family. My parents didn’t have a good relationship and I grew up seeing multiple of my siblings going through divorces. So I’m not really confident in the idea of marriage. I don’t have a good impression of it. So maybe I’ll never get married (asks the interviewer) Are you married? Do you have a good relationship with your husband? Have you considered getting a divorce? (asks very quickly)

However, although I may never get married, I still care a lot about my family. Ever since I was young I didn’t really have a relationship with my home and relatives, so now I really care about “home”. I only put things I like in my home - I want to create a space where it’s okay to relax.

Above: Leslie Cheung and Teresa Mo for All's Well, Ends Well (1992)

— Have you really never thought about getting married? I have! That was when I was still very young. I think at the time I was only 22. She was a little older than me and we considered the idea of marriage very seriously. But out of the blue, she suddenly started acting very oddly and it was like her wires were crossed. I didn’t really know why, and at the time I was still young; in short, it was a really difficult ending.

— So you never seriously considered getting married after that? I didn’t. It’s almost definitely because my standards are too high. I’m really strict towards myself and everyone else. A normal person might be satisfied with 70% perfection, but I’d only be satisfied at around 95%. So something that’s normally satisfactory becomes unsatisfactory in my eyes. Tong always tells me, “You’re a perfectionist. Even if it’s really great, you’re still not satisfied, so I really pity you.” But when I look at him, even if it’s something very small, he's really touched and happy, so sometimes I really envy that. But I still can’t lower my standards.

— Even towards women? Hmm, you could say that if I like someone, I’ll have a lot of expectations towards them, which ends up in disappointment. I’m scared of that kind of disappointment. Besides, I’m 42 now - I’m at the age cap for liking someone! Even if a 20-year-old girl was in love with me and I liked her too, considering my age and my own personal stance, I know we can’t end up together based on feelings alone. Problems regarding the future, our environment… there are just too many problems to consider. As you get older, apart from becoming more demanding, you also lose more of your passion and vigour, so it’s kind of difficult.

— Even though you say that, there are definitely plenty of women who like you. I don’t know… at this age, you can’t just fall in love! For example, if a girl told me “I love you,” I’d have to think: “Huh. Why is that?” *laughs* Really! I get scared just considering things about the future. Because for two people to coexist together, apart from love, you have to understand each other in all aspects, such as your personality, way of thinking, lifestyle… Take me and my mother as an example. Even though we’re mother and son, living together suddenly after being apart for so many years and trying to understand each other was really difficult. Of course, it’d be best if we could love each other from the bottom of our hearts and fully understand each other…

— It seems like your emotional state is really important in making a decision like this. Of course. As long as your hearts and souls are connected, even making love isn’t important. Of course, I don’t want to deny its importance either! *laughs*

— May I ask who you love most right now? Talking about who I love most… probably myself. If you’re talking about people other than myself, I guess you could say that as long as I truly like them, it doesn’t matter whether they’re male or female.

— So you’re bisexual? I’m trying to say that if someone loves me and I love them back, their gender doesn’t matter. Doesn’t matter how I say it, I won’t be able to find that kind of happiness anyways. If you’re okay with both men and women, your chances are doubled. What’s not to like? *laughs*

As a superstar

— In “Farewell My Concubine” and “Happy Together”, as well as your provocative dancing in red heels during your 97 concert… These are a series of explorations past your own gender. Are you trying to send a certain message? No, they don’t have any special correlation. I’m not trying to send any particular message either. In “Farewell My Concubine”, Director Chen Kaige told me I had been mostly playing handsome young men. I had a pretty stable image, so he wanted me to be able to play a cute woman too as an actor. As for “Happy Together”, it was because homosexuality was a hot topic back then, so I thought maybe it’d be interesting to play a gay man.

For my concert, it was because I needed a little excitement. That wasn’t my idea though - it was the designer in charge of costumes and arts. David Bowie’s feminine performance on stage had a huge impact, so he said it would be very meaningful to do it in Asia too.

Actually, our original intention was to do Beijing Opera. But the clothing and makeup would be quite a hassle, so we wanted to find something that could replace it. We thought of putting on red lipstick based on the theme of the song “Red”, but the Hung Hom Coliseum is huge. You wouldn’t be able to see the lipstick all the way up in the spectator’s stand, so I just wore red heels instead.

— Watching your concerts or films makes people feel you’re very self-absorbed*. Are you that way in real life as well? I do play a lot of narcissists in my films. For myself, how do I… *thinks for a rather long time* In my movies or concerts, I hope to show the audience the best me. But outside of work, I don’t even look at the mirror, and I don’t really care about my own appearance. At the very least, I’m not the type of person who likes hanging their own photos in their home or in the shop. * T/N: The word used in the original is 自我陶醉 (literally drunk by yourself). It does not necessarily have a negative connotation and is used to refer to when someone is very absorbed in what they are doing, and is enjoying it a lot. The term can also be translated as narcissistic depending on the context.

— But objectively you are quite handsome. What do you think when you see your reflection in the mirror? “Wow, he’s so handsome!” *laughs so hard he bends over* No, no, I’m just joking. You can’t really judge your own appearance objectively.

Think about it, it’s just a face you’re used to seeing since birth.

For a long time, people who don’t know me well have said I’m “pampered”, “cool”, “efficient”... to be honest, that’s not even true. I just like saying whatever pops into my head, so people think I’m a stuck up guy. Chinese people generally beat around the bush and avoid directness to be polite. For a guy like me who just says everything directly, it’s easy to get into trouble. But I guess that has nothing to do with being self absorbed.

— People describe your charm in a lot of ways, like “cute”, “handsome”, and “sexy”... which word makes you the happiest? Coming from my fans, it doesn’t matter if the word is cute, handsome or sexy - I’ll be happy either way. But if it’s someone who knows me well, then I won’t be happy with any of those words. There’s nothing worth being happy about when you’re only praised for your looks.

— So what descriptor makes you the happiest? “Good fellow”, probably? Among all the words of praise, this one moves me most.

— Is Leslie Cheung the superstar actually you? Or is it a persona you've played as and released to be a marketable product? Oh, this is a difficult question. I don't really feel that I'm consciously playing a role, so I guess it should be me. There's no gap between me and "actor Leslie". *asks the interviewer* Don't you think that's my worth in a film? Also, I feel like the potential and talent needed to be a star are qualities that I possess.

Actually, people are just like kaleidoscopes. It's impossible to only show people one side of yourself. But whether it's fans or the media, they tend to only look at one side of us and make judgements based on what they look at, which creates all kinds of misconceptions. The fans tend to only like looking at the almost mythical parts of their favourite celebrities. The media also tends to make mountains out of molehills when they don't have the full picture. But the truth is, those are only variations in the pattern of the kaleidoscope.

— You could say that the job of a superstar is to sell variations in the kaleidoscope’s pattern, so it should be quite high-stress. What do you do when you feel that your stress has reached its limit? Yeah, so it’s actually really important to relax yourself. For me, I choose to go on holiday. I go somewhere no one knows me. Lately I’ve fallen in love with hot springs.

— You already have things that most people want. Positions, reputation, money, beauty, charm… If there’s something missing, what would you say it is? *thinks for a moment* Maybe education? Because I quit halfway in university. It would have been nice if I studied more during that time. If it’s possible I’d like to study all the way up to a doctorate. There’s too much that can only be learnt during your student days.

As an actor

— Do you like rewatching your own movies? Or do you not really watch them? Mm, I probably count as the type that doesn’t really watch them. Because when I watch my own films, I keep thinking things like “Oh, that’s not quite right”, or “If only I acted this way in this scene”... I mind a lot.

When I’m acting, I’m really immersed so I don’t have the time and energy to look at it objectively. After doing it all in one go and looking at it afterwards, my flaws are very obvious from a third person perspective. From a mental health perspective though, it’s not really good to dwell on regrets about something you can’t change.

— So far among all the roles you’ve acted in, are there any which you can say you interpreted flawlessly? *No hesitation* No. For all my films, if I rewatch them, I always think “I would do better if I did it now…”

— Your acting skills have clearly matured over your career, especially in romance scenes. Is this a result of gaining experience or because you consciously put in work on these scenes? Really? I got better at romance scenes? *laughs* If so, personal experience would certainly help, but it’s more that I slowly matured through constantly acting. Your acting skills are like a deposit book. If you keep putting in money, one day you’ll reap the rewards. When a melon is ripe, it falls off its stem… the time each person takes to get there is different, and of course some people never get there at all. It’s not just personal hard work, many other factors like whether you can meet a good director are all really important.

— Not just your romance scenes, there’s something unique in every way you move on the big screen. Even if it’s just your silhouette, people know for sure it’s you. Is the way you carry yourself something natural or is it a conscious effort? I never consciously thought about that. It just came about naturally. I don’t think there’s any particular “method” of acting, you’re not consciously doing this and that. I just do what I think is the most natural thing to do in that scene. In other words, I do what I think that character would do. I’m just recreating those movements.

Some actors have their best angles figured out and work out how they are best captured on camera. But I don’t really enjoy consciously acting like that. My expressions and movements are the best when I just act like myself. That’s the most natural.

However, when you keep reshooting a certain part, like the opening and ending of a certain shot, it’s easier for the editors if you do the same thing every time. But repeating the same movement over and over again really bores me, so I start trying out some different interpretations.

If the acting is very successful, the director is only human. They would also think that it’d be a waste to cut out that scene even if they have to change what they originally had in mind. What the audience sees is made up of all the best shots.

— Either way, there’ll still be a marked difference in the performance of a good actor and a bad actor. Well, of course. Talented actors or actors of a high calibre make you forget their acting. You feel like they’re just being themselves. That’s because they’re unique and not an imitation of someone else - that's why they’re convincing.

In comparison, those “average” or untalented actors are often unwilling to challenge themselves so while they don’t make huge mistakes, they also can’t make the audience feel the character fully. They make no attempt to be unique and instead subconsciously copy people around them.

— You’ve played many roles alongside several prominent leading ladies. As you continue to play these roles, your partners get younger and younger. It may not look like it but there’s actually an age gap between the two of you. Do you feel the age gap between you and your costars? Yeah, it’s like that now. *laughs* To be honest, lately with my costars it feels more like I’m teaching a student rather than acting with them. In fact when actually on set I become a teacher completely. *laughs* However, even though I feel the age gap between us, I have a baby face, so it also looks unnatural if I act alongside the actresses of my generation. I guess it can’t be helped.

On the movies he's starred in

— Which one of your starring roles was the hardest to play? *thinks for a moment* Ho Po-Wing in “Happy Together”. I was feeling unwell* during the shooting and I had to arrange all kinds of things for my upcoming concert which made me really nervous. Wong Kar-wai’s the type of director who doesn’t prepare a script and there were all kinds of problems. It was especially difficult to make Ho Po-Wing, whose personality is horrible, a charming character. I was really worried about that. * T/N: Leslie had amoebiasis during the filming in Argentina after eating contaminated food. — You still pulled off the role successfully though. You were even nominated for the Hong Kong Film Award and Golden Horse Award for Best Actor. That was really unexpected. I didn’t really think I was the main character in “Happy Together” so I didn’t think I was qualified to be nominated.

— Do you think you were qualified for the award for your roles in “Days of Being Wild” and “Ashes of Time”? The panel decides who gets the awards. I can’t really judge whether I’m qualified to get a prize. If there’s any film of mine which I think should be qualified to win something, it would probably be “Farewell My Concubine”. It won the Palme d’Or at the Cannes Film Festival. I was also really delighted to hear that it was a critical success in Japan.

— Was it easier to play Cheng Dieyi in Farewell My Concubine compared to Ho Po-Wing in Happy Together? Yeah. I liked Dieyi’s personality more too and we had more in common, especially his dedication and meticulousness towards art and love. I felt that really deeply. It was difficult to grasp the Beijing dialect and learn Beijing Opera though. But overall in all aspects, it’s an unforgettable film for me.

— “He’s a Woman, She’s a Man” is a film portraying the workings of the entertainment industry. Fans think that Koo Ka-ming (Sam) is actually a depiction of you… Not at all. I can’t write songs and I can’t play the piano either. *laughs* I guess we behave similarly when we’re single… Looking inward, if there are any similarities, maybe it’s in our living habits and worldview. We're more stubborn about that. As for some other aspects, some of those are just my own personality peeking through. Like the scene where I’m very scared and stuck in the elevator. Actually, that was just my real reaction when imagining the incident occurring to myself. Did it look real?

— I see. So that scene was just you. I always felt like that fear seemed too real. *laughs* Now that I’m talking with you though, I do feel that you share far too many similarities with Sam Koo. Hm, really? Okay, maybe a bit. *laughs* But to be honest, rather than Sam Koo being like me, Sam Koo is like the director Peter Chan.

Directors and Actors

— Speaking of Director Peter Chan, I wanted to ask you about the directors you've encountered. You worked together with Chen Kaige in "Farewell, My Concubine" and "Temptress Moon", so I suppose he's one of the directors who really appreciates your talent. He does like working with me. The script for "Temptress Moon" was written after I was chosen to play the lead role. A so-called "tailor-made" script for me.

— There are rumours that you were originally going to star in “The Emperor and the Assassin”. I was invited to, but my schedule didn’t allow for it. The shooting would take around a year but I had a world tour going on, so I couldn’t give him that much time. There’s also another reason. The main character of the film was a tall, strong, broad-backed guy in Chinese people’s imaginations… I’m too far away from that kind of image.

— The roles you play in Wong Kar-Wai’s films and Tsui Hark’s films are totally different. Is this because the two directors have different impressions of you? Maybe it’s because they’ve observed different parts of me. Besides, the content of their films is quite different. Wong Kar-Wai’s films are in a unique, perhaps “dispirited” or nihilistic world. Even though the time or location of his films varies, the world he’s trying to create is always the same.

Comparatively, Tsui Hark’s movies always have some kind of hidden philosophical or political thought. Even if the movie is very dark, there’s always hope and light somewhere. Do my roles reflect the differences in their films?

— It was quite shocking to see that you didn’t need guidance from the director (Jacob Cheung) on the set of “The Kid''. Instead, you mulled over and interpreted the role yourself. Is this the norm for you? Pretty much. Directors rarely adjust my acting. That’s why some people can’t stand it when they work with me for the first time. Generally, directors think that acting is something the director arranges for you.

But to be honest, once they start filming, they begin to recognise my acting and usually take my opinions and advice into account. Of course, people don’t think the same way, and my opinions may not be the same as the director all the time. But I’m dedicated to every role I play, and I always hope that I can make a good film. That’s definitely something I share in common with the director.

— In terms of acting skills, you don’t really need a director… How could I? It’s impossible to imagine not having a director. Think about it - no matter how good actors are, they’re always in first-person perspective. An expert looking at you from a third-person perspective and correcting your technical errors, which is the director, is absolutely necessary. Of course I might disagree with the director, but that’s a really important part of making a good movie.

I’m a really lucky actor in that I’ve worked with a lot of great directors. John Woo, Chen Kaige, Wong Kar-Wai, Peter Chan, Jacob Cheung… all of them are excellent directors. The fact that they think I’m a good actor makes me happier than anything else.

To be honest, how good a film is rests almost entirely in the director’s hands. The director is the lynchpin. A movie is a treasure chest and the director is the key. Whether you can unlock it and get the treasure depends totally on the director. That’s why my goal for now is to become a director.

About the future

— Have you already begun work on your directorial debut? I’m working on it. If all goes well, I should be able to start filming in the spring (1999). I haven’t really decided on the contents though.

— As a director, who would you consider picking to be the female lead? Karen Mok or Shu Qi. Karen is a really good performer and an actress with a bright future. Shu Qi isn’t just beautiful, she’s sexy too, so I think she’d be a good fit for a romance movie. They both have great potential.

— Your fans worry that you won’t act anymore once you begin your directorial career. How will you divide your time among directing, acting and singing? I think I’ll reduce my activities as a singer. I want to do music when I’m relaxed and not churn out albums regularly like I do now. Maybe just once or twice a year. I want to really feel the joy of making music and sing for the people who truly like my songs.

As for directing, I want to focus on only being a director at least for the first one or two times. Later, when I’m getting the hang of it, I’ll decide whether I want to continue being an actor. If it’s all smooth sailing, I could be an actor and a leading man like Robert Redford.

— That’s certainly comforting. As an actor, are there any roles or films you’re interested in outside of Hong Kong films? Jack Nicholson’s role in “As Good As It Gets”. It’s really easy to hate that character, but his character is actually really kind-hearted. I think it’d be interesting if I could play that kind of role.

— There’s another role in “As Good As It Gets” - the gay artist with a very special personality. What about that kind of role? *laughs* No way. I don’t want to play that kind of role. *laughs*

— So on the flip side, what kind of roles wouldn’t you be willing to play or be able to handle? The kind of roles that Jackie Chan plays. *laughs*

— There’s a rumour that you won’t act in comedies anymore. Is that true? No! I love the flow of comedies and I might act in one some other time. If I get used to being a director, I might even film one myself.

— Lastly, please tell me something about your first musical, “A Chinese Ghost Story”, which is scheduled for next year. I’ve never done a musical before so I’m really curious about it too. Challenging myself to try a new thing really excites me. If it’s a success, I feel unprecedented joy. The reason why we chose “A Chinese Ghost Story” to be made into a musical is because of its visual effects. Musicals are a product of blending your hearing and sight. I hope the music and visual effects can complement each other and elevate the musical.

— Will there be a performance in Japan as said before? If possible, we’d like to do it. But unlike movies, there are no subtitles, so the language barrier might be a problem.

— Even if there’s a language barrier, we will still be able to enjoy the performance. Please make the Japanese performance a reality. I’m really happy to hear that. Whatever happens, I hope it’s a successful musical. I’ll try my best, please remember to come watch it then! * T/N: The “A Chinese Ghost Story” musical never happened due to investors’ uncertainties regarding the economic state of Hong Kong at the time, among other reasons. You can read an archived article about it here.

Leslie's past dream home

In the interview, Leslie spoke many times about “home”. Since his childhood, he dreamt of having a carefree, stable home. Leslie, who is interested in interior design, finally helped to design his own home and created his “dream home”! Unfortunately, once he moved, the media surrounded his home. Even tour buses stopped by, which led to the house being sold not long after him moving in…

I wish to have a place where I can’t be disrupted, and I can relax myself… saying this, he reveals part of his dreams and thoughts.

Personal Information

Helping you to understand more about Cheung Kwok-Wing

Place of Birth: Hong Kong

Blood Type: O

Nickname: 哥哥 (Gor Gor, lit. big brother)

Where the nickname came from: His costar in “A Chinese Ghost Story”, Joey Wong called him that. After a while, everyone around him started calling him Gor Gor

Favourite flower: Orchids, because they bloom for a long time.

Favourite food: Seafood, especially lobsters

Least favourite food: Mexican food *scrunches up his brows – it tastes terrible!*

Favourite colour: White, black and grey

Favourite car: Porsche Range Rover

Current car: An ink-green Range Rover

Traits when driving: Drives safely (He says that, but he’s actually a speeder)

Interests: Painting appreciation and watching films. Also interested in antiques

Biggest fear: Flying, especially in turbulence. A bit scared of heights and is also claustrophobic

Things he hates: Gossip including people who spread gossip and people who like gossip

Favourite book: “Dream of the Red Chamber” and books about interior design/decoration

Favourite author: Ba Jin (巴金)

Favourite movie: Gone with the Wind

Favourite actors: Daniel Day-Lewis, Jack Nicholson, Robert De Niro

Favourite actresses: Audrey Hepburn, Vivien Leigh (says while laughing: they’re not trendy anymore!)

Favourite directors: Akira Kurosawa, Bernardo Bertolucci, Li Han-hsiang (a HK director active in the 50s-70s)

Favourite singers: Barbara Streisand, Elton John, Boyz II Men

Buying clothes: Buys them by himself. Usually buys underwear through mail order.

Favourite brands: Jil Sander

Favourite animal: Dog

Pets: German Shepherd “Bingo” (Bingo is his third dog, he also had another shepherd dog in Canada)

Religion: None

Rules of living: Be patient, be genuine with your friends

When alone at home: Reads a book or watches TV

What he looks like asleep: Naked. It’s best to wear nothing when you’re sleeping!

How he sleeps: Usually on his back

Falling asleep: Quite easy. As long as he doesn’t have too much on his mind, he can fall asleep very quickly

Waking up: Decent. Might be an “early bird”.

Bad habits: Doesn’t really have any significant bad habits

Superstitious: A bit

When is he superstitious: Greeting people at home and paying respects to the Buddha in temples. That kind of thing.

Where he washes first when showering: His head

Favourite part of his face: Chin (the fortune teller said it was a chin which foretells making many good friends in his later years!)

Least favourite part of his face: Left eye. It usually has a double eyelid, but it becomes a triple eyelid when he’s tired

Favourite part of his body: Doesn’t have a favourite

Least favourite body part: Legs

Why it’s his least favourite body part: They are too short. It would have been nice if he was just a bit taller (By the way, he says his height is 175 cm)

Your personality: Ever-changing

An animal you’re most alike to: A wild monkey

Reason: Likes being carefree and spontaneous, doesn’t like feeling tied up

Happiest thing in his life: “Farewell My Concubine” winning the Palme d’Or

Saddest thing in his life: His parents passing away

If he was reincarnated, what would he want to be: A human

If he was reincarnated as an animal: A bird then

Would he rather be male or female: Male. Because in this world, men can be independent

If he was a woman: He wants to be a woman who is very rich or a very talented woman so he doesn’t have to be ordered around by men and can live an independent life

Interviewer/Writing: Shima Chitose Translation: Me (@dailylesliec on Twitter/Tumblr) Do not repost without credit. If you like this translation, consider following me or buying me a Ko-fi. Taken from the Leslie's Everything / Leslie 的所有 fanbook.

#leslie cheung #dailylesliec translations #張國榮 #leslie's everything #leslie 的所有 #장국영

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sushi-rat · 6 months

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Okay, so I used to talk about my kin identity purely in a psychological sense, but recently I've been questioning more as there's just been some things playing in the back of my head that feel very familiar. Thoughts, questions, dreams. I entertain the idea of the multiverse and I'm a firm believer in continuation of the soul as a Jewish convert student, and I think I might have actually had a past life. Through dreams and personal readings, though, my past life is a bit distressing

My dreams are filled with me living in a vast forest alone, until vivid kin nightmare I had where I remembered my death: someone chopped me to pieces with an axe. I didn't see who they were, I just remember running frantically from them till I was lying on the ground and just had the axe swung at my head. It was bugging me who this was, so I decided to pull out my Loki oracle deck and just give it a shot to see if I could find an answer or at least figure out their personality. Out of a three card spread, the first card I pulled means "Mother." -I was killed by my own creator. (The other two cards meant "False power" and "Change, coming to a new light" which I find still describe an inventor of an android)

On top of that, I have done a past life reading using this same deck a few months back. It was for fun and I shared my findings with some IRL friends, but the story, despite this reading kinda only being for fun, turned out very cohesive. I was wary of others, people found me friendly and trustworthy but I was unable to stop being cautious of the world and everyone around me. I then had found someone I really trusted and built some sort of family with them, until I was betrayed by them and they attempted to hex and curse me. I was able to protect myself and fled to isolation. Now, I feel that may be connected to my android life, why I'm constantly dreaming of being in a forest alone: because I isolated myself from danger

I'm still trying to go through all the pieces, trying to use a couple different methods to conjure up memories so that way my active imagination doesn't interfere too badly and divert off path. Also not trying to remember it all in one sitting. I think I had a past life, and my trauma in life caused me to feel more connection to it, especially since my past life seemed to have been full of deception and a need to be cautious of others to avoid harm.

#alterhuman #otherkin #therian #nonhuman #androidkin #robotkin #animalistic androidkin #past life #kin memories #tw death #tw murder

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meta-with-anne · 8 months

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Fan Ethnography

In a conversation a few days ago, my best friend, Rose, asked me what should have been a very simple question. “What fandom do you plan to focus on for class?”

I knew Rose’s answer before they told me, our fandom discussions have been a highlight of my life every few days for going on four years, and I knew that mine—as it seems so many of my answers in life tend to be—was much less concise. “It doesn’t feel right to pick one, but I already know my lens,” I tell them in an Instagram voice note, an on-going “whenever you’re around” conversation that after about a year of use must amount to hundreds of hours worth of discussion, nearly all involving our fandoms and fan culture at large.

Me 'n Rose (Bestie in Fandom)

I have identified as a “fangirl” for as long as I can remember, long enough that I still can’t always bring myself to use the more widely accepted term of “stan”, long enough that although I was officially too young for an account I have vivid memories of 2013-15 tumblr culture, long enough that despite only being twenty-one I have earned the term “fandom elder” entirely on accident. Maybe I was six? When my older sister Abby introduced me to a song called Fearless, only for me to be paying out the nose to see Taylor sing it live fifteen years later on the Eras Tour. I might’ve been eight, when this madman in a bow tie lit up the hospital room where I was getting cancer treatments. I definitely couldn’t have been older than eleven, though, by then I had a tumblr account, a rotating cast of dedicated fandom OC’s, and a t-shirt reading “Booknerd” with the classic Harry Potter-Percy Jackson-Hunger Games “Big Three” logo right beneath. By the time I entered middle school I was a self declared expert on the television shows Doctor Who, Glee, Star Trek, and Criminal Minds, and had read (or rather listened) to the Harry Potter, Percy Jackson, and Lord of the Rings series’ over a hundred times through, etv. There’s not much else to do when you’re a chronically ill child, stuck in bed, alone, and desperate to live without having to leave the hospital.

Me, at 12, thinking my Eleventh Doctor shirt was hot shit

Although it is arguably the least interesting branch I hit while falling down the tree of intersectionality, as the child of lesbian parents, as an ethnically Jewish person, and as a someone who was born—and has spent my entire life—chronically ill and disabled, my identity as a woman has always been the one that has effected my fandom experience the most. (I must acknowledge here that I can only speak to my experience as one cisgender white woman, and that the experiences of those who are women of color, trans, nonbinary, and/or not attracted to men, are invariably going to be not only much different, but in many ways much more difficult than my own.)

For as long as I can remember, I have navigated the world with a hyperawareness of gender-based violence and discrimination, I think it’s impossible not to do so when growing up in an all-girl family, much less one where both my moms had experienced said violence, and where they both used fandom to cope themselves. If there was a time I did not, it was before the age of ten, when I was a victim of CSA at the hands of the medical system and the men who run it; to this day I can’t listen to the particular Lord of the Rings audiobook I had playing when it happened without bursting in to tears. It is imperative, in my view, to understand my hyperawareness of misogyny, to understand my experience with fandom. I came in to fan communities, and spent much of my formative time in them, in the proliferation of the peak NLog (not like other girls) years.

Who run the world? I mean not my family of girls...but it would be cool if we did

Bombarded with memes, texts posts, and a general atmosphere that the only “correct” way to exist as a girl, and especially a young girl (specifically one who was twelve pretending to be fifteen), was to not be like other girls. I must not be “shrill”, overly argumentative, disdainful of the casual sexism that lurks underneath the surface of many fan spaces, I must not bad-mouth venerated male creators (bad mouthing, of course, including questioning why it is so unreasonable to wish for a television writing team with more than a single woman), I must not overtly enjoy things like makeup, but I must still be effortlessly pretty (preferably with blue “orbs” and a red messy bun), I must not like pink (purple is usually fine though), and I must not actually say I am not like other girls, but must look upon their love of Taylor Swift, Gossip Girl, One Direction, and Twilight with disdain all the same.

This avalanche of expectations, reinforced by my online companions in fandom communities, as well as by my “enemies”, those who sent anonymous messages that I should kill myself for committing the great sin of writing a Doctor Who Jack/Nine/Rose “Makeover” one shot, caused an inordinate amount of cognitive dissonance, and was often deeply isolating. In my “real life” girls who shared my interests in clothes, makeup, sewing, and my nearly decade-long membership in Girl Scouts were not interested in talking about X-Men comics, Star Trek Expanded Universe novels, or the latest episode of Doctor Who. In my online world I could get my head bitten off in an instant simply for saying I thought it was unfair “girly girls” were usually portrayed as vapid and dumb in series like Percy Jackson and Harry Potter, and god forbid you have the audacity to like Molly Hooper on Sherlock or worse, Sansa Stark from Game of Thrones.

An edit I made circa 2015 of my favorite Sansa Stark quote

Over the years my involvement in fandoms have waxed and waned, I’ve been bullied out of three (including anonymous death and rape threats in two and getting doxxed at the tender age of thirteen over one), Doctor Who, Marvel, and Taylor Swift. All for different reasons, but all really coming down to the idea I like “traditionally feminine” things too much, whether that be “pretty” actors like Matt Smith, “feminist” heroes like Captain Marvel, or “girly” albums like Lover. And yet, I keep coming back, I came back after the Game of Thrones finale (and have two over 100k viewed fanfics on AO3 to show for it), I came back for the thirteenth and fourteenth (no, I will not call him fifteen) Doctors, and have even tentatively poked my head back into the Avatar the Last Airbender and Percy Jackson fandoms with their respective renaissances.

BEHOLD A very dumb photo montage I made at the ripe old age of thirteen of aforementioned pretty actor (I still quote "I was called dumbo as a child" on a regular basis)

It’s easy to ask why I continue to subject myself to the “fandom experience”, and in turn to chalk it up to the chemical processes involved in my ADHD, my desperation for a community I can participate in despite my chronic pain and fatigue, or simply the fact I got involved so young I don’t know how to live without them. I think it’s a lot simpler than that, though, I think it’s because I process the world through writing, and because above else I love to write. Whether it be fan fiction, meta, or original works branching off from the questions the media I love continually invites me to ask, writing is my great passion, and the fandoms and franchises I fall in love with are the ones that spark my motivation to write; whether I’m analyzing Taylor Swift lyrics, breaking down the celebrity culture I’ve watched for over a decade in my original novel, or writing fan-fiction where once in a while I still love a good makeover montage. Fandom introduced me to writing, writing became the way I process the world, and in the circular nature of life, writing is what will always bring me back to fandom.

That was a long post, thanks for reading, here's the best meme anyone has ever made for me (everyone say thank you Rose)

@theofficeofdocmalone

#255fandom

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mindofharry · 3 years

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Small blurb on sucking harry’s dick before his first show! yes, i did that. smut! language! harry being dirty! Y/N being a boss bitch! enjoy!!!

Harry was in his dressing room, alone for a change, before the concert started. He missed you. Although, being alone before the concert might calm his nerves down. Usually, you’re here sitting on the sofa either helping him with his shoes or ties, or just saying some encouraging words. But this year, you couldn’t make it. At least that’s what harry thinks. You’ve been staying with your grandma for a couple months now, and you and harry have only seen each other twice. Harry thinks you’re still looking after your grandma, but in actuality you’re currently waiting for the right moment to surprise him. You were able to get your cousin to stay with your grandma for the next couple of weeks, so you could tour with harry. But it was only for about three weeks, so you want to make the most of your time together.

Harry sound so upset when you said you couldn’t make his first concert. You weren’t there for his first solo tour, only meeting you two years ago at a friends party. You and Glenne had been friends for a while, meeting through your sister who went to high school with Glenne. She’s like another older sister to you, meaning you were at her party. Harry met you and was immediately enamoured by you. He just needed to know more about you. Your favourite colour, favourite band, favourite food. Turns out you had a lot in common and were very attracted to each other, so you went on dates. You both really liked each other and everyone around you knows you’re each others forever.

“Fuck” Harry said to himself, trying to get his shoes on. The shoes were amazing, everything he wanted — but they were a little more complicated to anything else he’s worn.

“It can’t be this hard” Harry mumbled to himself, trying to pull the zip on the side up. You took this as your que to exist the little closet Jeff had stuffed you in. You had told Jeff about this months ago and he thought it was an amazing idea. He helped you with flights and times, and of course not much help with the hiding places but a small closet would have to do.

“Need some help with those?” You asked and harry immediately stopped what he was doing. He slowly turned around and there you stood, his girl, his love, right in front of him. You were dressed in a long summer dress, pink, matching with harry. Your hair was curled and your make up was natural, you even wore the earrings he bought you for christmas. You looked beautiful. You bit your lip and walked over to harry, who seemed to be frozen in place.

“Baby?” He asked and you nodded placing your hands over his cheeks, harry immediately melted into your touch almost whimpering at your warm, soft hands. He missed this, he missed you.

“Fuck, I missed you so much” He said pulling you into a hug. His head went to the crevice in your neck, and his arms went around your waist bringing you into a tight, warm hug. Harry needed this. He needed you. It was silent for a couple of minutes, no one spoke, you both just enjoyed each other in a comfortable silence.

Harry pulled away from the hug, quickly but softly. He looked down at your lips and your smirked. “Kiss me already?” You said and harry chuckled bringing his lips to yours. Memories flooded back instantly, your lips were like a photo album. Everytime harry placed his lips on yours a whole rush of emotions and vivid memories come running back to him. He feels so many things while kissing you. Harry feels warm, and giddy. He feels like a summer afternoon, he feels like dinner after a day at the beach, he feels like the start of a new book, he feels everything, every emotion you could possibly think of.

Harrys tongue entered your mouth and you moaned loudly, as you both fought for dominance. Your hands reached his curly hair, and you tugged on roughly making harry break the kiss. “I love it when you do that” He said before diving back down to your lips. He placed his hands under your thighs lifting your up so your legs wrap around his waist never once breaking the kiss.

“Let me help you” You said, out of breath. Harry’s eyebrows raised slightly as you stroked his hair softly.

“I can feel your cock, harry. So hard. Probably so red, just waiting for me to suck on it right?” You questioned, harry whined but didn’t respond. You tugged on his hair. “Use your words” You said. “Do you want me to suck on your cock?” You asked and harry nodded quickly.

“Please, baby. Suck my cock” Harry insisted putting you down on the ground and immediately going to take off his pants. He wasn’t wearing any boxers. You looked at his cock, you were right. It was undeniably hard, red and the tip was full of pre cum. The way his cock looked made you lick your lips and whimper softly.

“Sit down” You ordered, harry immediately followed through sitting down on the couch behind him. He spread his legs a little, and looks up at you expectedly. You smiled and took the hair tie from your wrist, collecting your hair quickly and putting it up out of the way. Harry bit his lip as excitement formed in his (cock) stomach.

“So proud of you, you know?” You said getting down on your knees. “Love how confident you are on stage” You said leaning down, placing your hand on his right thigh. “I love your confidence and how much exhilaration you get from this” You continued, placing your other hand on his left thigh. Harry hand went to your ponytail and tugged on it slightly. You pouted, but gave in.

You leaned your head down and kissed the inside of his thighs, harrys eyes rolled to the back of his head. “Love everything about you” You said.

“Especially your cock”

You gripped the base of his cock, kissing all the way up to his tip. Harry’s head fell backwards and his hands tugged on your pony tail again, you continued kissing around the tip of his penis while playing with his shaft. At throaty moan escaped him as your hand moved up and down his member.

“You want me to suck?” You asked, harry’s eyes widened and he nodded eagerly. “Yes please” He said, practically begging at this point. You kissed his tip again, before placing your lips over the tip of his cock. Harry moaned loudly, bucking his hips up, pushing his cock into your mouth more. You gagged a little, but got comfortable pretty quickly. Harry tasted amazing, it was your favourite thing to do. If you could have his dick in your mouth all day, everyday you’d be a happy girl.

Your hands move to his hips, and you hold them tightly trying to stop him from fucking your mouth. You want to be in control, you deserve it after not having cock for so long.

You moan as you feel him at the back of your throat, your finger working his shaft quickly.

Looking up at harry quickly, you see his flushed cheeks and his eyes tightly closed. His hair is messy from you tugging at it early, you can’t help but mentally high five yourself for that one because harry has never looked so good. Seeing him so undone, made you feel an abundance of things. Turned on being the number one thing.

You moan loudly again, sending vibrations through harry’s body. He buck up at the sound and the feeling, you know exactly what you’re doing to him.

“Taste so good” You said before placing his cock in your mouth again, whimpering at the feeling. Your eyes are filled with tears, and you’re sure your mascara is running down your face. You’ll get a touch up later. Harry loves it, he loves make up being so messy and his hair looking like he hasn’t brushed it in days.

Harry wants everyone to know his cock had been in your mouth.

“You love this. You’re a slut for my cock, right? My little slut wants everyone to know she loves my cock” Harry said as he pulled on your pony tail, fucking your mouth. You didn’t answer, but your moans sufficed. “You’re so good to me. Letting me fucking your mouth like that. Such a good girl” Harry said moaning loudly as his hips begin to thrust into your mouth.

Your sex was dripping, all down your thighs and you were sure you’d cum from just being mouth fucked.

Harry being to move faster as his climax approached, pulling at your pony tail.

“Take it all, baby”

“Fuck, yeah, just like that” Harry said, as he climaxed, you took all of his cum and swallowed it happily. Again, you like how he tasted. You cleaned up his stomach, and sucked on his cock a little too. He was sensitive, you knew that, but he asked you to clean him up. So you did just that.

“Feeling even more confident to go on stage now?” You asked, your throat horsed. Harry chuckled leaning down and pecking your lips, tasting that reminiscence of his cum on your lips.

“Who knew you sucking my dick would make me feel so much better?”

#harry styles #harry styles fanfiction #harry styles one shot #harry styles smut #harry styles fluff #harry styles xy/n #harry styles x y/n #harry styles x reader #harry styles imagines #harry styles fic #harry styles blurb

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harrysgoldenline · 3 years

Note

can you pls write an angst where y/n went to her and harry's house that they bought or something like that in Italy to try to move on and go on with her life after harry broke up with her but then she never expected that harry will be there as well with his new gf.... you can end it whatever you like!! thank you

Word Count: 1.6K

Warnings: idk, sad I guess? also not proof read oops sorry lol

When In Italy

It has been three months since you’ve last seen or spoken to Harry. A very abrupt change after being together for four years, with constant talk of marriage and starting a family, the break up was something either of you really expected. It started as a break of sorts, eventually turning into a complete break up after only a couple weeks in a somewhat mutual way. With Harry's career taking off in so many different ways, with acting, the new tour and more, his life had changed completely and has left him very little time for anything else.

It went from daily phone and FaceTime calls, constant text messages and flowers being delivered to nothing.

“You really think that’s a good idea?” Your best friend asked you, concern plastered all over her face, “that won’t bring up too much?”

She had been sitting with you as you finished packing up your suitcase, trying her best to give you her support as you were going to be going on a spur of the moment trip to Italy and staying at the home of you and Harry, needing the much needed getaway and disconnecting completely. Seeing different things online about him all the time didn’t make it any easier and no matter how hard you tried to avoid it, he always found his way to pop up.

“I just need a break, everything here is a reminder to.” You sigh, “I just want a change of scenery. I think it’ll be good for me.”

“I hope so…” she frowned, looking up at you with a sad smile, “please don’t just sit there in the house all alone. Go out, meet some local Italian men!”

“I’m definitely not ready for that.” You say, forcing a laugh as you close your suitcase, zipping it up and placing it on the floor by your door, “but I will really try, I promise. I will call you if I need you and you can come out?”

“Hell yeah I can.” She laughs, standing up and giving you a hug, “and you’re really going right now?”

You bite your bottom lip as your eyes fill up with tears, nodding quickly as you look at her and she quickly pulled you in a tight hug.

“You can do this.”

***

You pulled your suitcase through the front door, waving goodbye to the driver as you turned around to close the door behind you as they left you alone in the house that has so many memories inside. You pause at the door, taking a couple deep breaths as you look around and try and keep your mind at bay before walking to the guest bedroom, deciding the main bedroom was too much and the guest bedroom was already way nicer than your apartment.

After taking the time to unpack, knowing you would stay awhile, you put away your things into the various drawers and closet in the room. You keep out a swimsuit and change into it quickly, sliding a simple dress overtop before walking out onto the balcony attached to the bedroom, taking in the smell of the ocean and beautiful view, memories overwhelming your senses.

“Well don’t you look absolutely stunning.” You can practically hear him say all over again, reliving the memory as if it was actually happening, “ ‘m the luckiest man in the world.”

You remember him coming up behind you, arms tight around your waist as his head rested on your shoulder, soft kisses being pressed along your shoulder as you leaned back into him, a large smile covering both of your faces before you leaned your head back, connecting your lips before he pulled back.

“I can’t decide…” He had whispered, connecting your lips again.

“Decide what?” You had giggled, turning around to face him, arms resting around his shoulders as his came around your waist.

“If I want to get married here or have our honeymoon here.”

You shuddered slightly as the memory came back, letting out a deep breath before packing a beach bag quickly and leaving the house just as fast, taking a walk down to the private beach and settling yourself in a lounge chair. Applying your sunscreen you could almost convince yourself it was him applying it on you like he always would do, large hands massaging it into your skin.

You push the thought away as you grab your phone, playing music softly to try and distract your mind. Your fingers hovered over your different social media apps, wanting desperately to just give it a quick click, wondering if you could get any update on where he could be from his fans, posts always finding their way on your feed. Instead, you hold it down, deleting all of the various apps and throwing your phone down on your bag, grabbing your book and letting the music play, opening to the first page to try and escape into the new world.

***

After a few hours been spent peacefully on the beach, you decided to head back to the house to take a nice bubblebath and order yourself some dinner, deciding that you would go to town the next morning in order to cook some of your own meals. The walk back to the house was more enjoyable this time and you began to feel a sense of hope as you approached the house, your heart not clenching in as much pain as it originally had done when you first pulled up to the house earlier that day.

Using your keys, you unlocked the back door, locking it behind you again as soon as you got inside, making your way to the bathroom right away and letting the water fill up the bathtub, pouring in some of the fancy bubblebath that you remember buying once from your favorite boutique in town, making a mental note to stop there again tomorrow.

Discarding your clothes, you hung them up, deciding you could use it once more as a cover up after not even going into the water, and you honestly didn’t even have the energy to even think about doing laundry right now, even simply showering was too much most days so you were happy to submerge yourself simply into the warm water, eyes fluttering closed as it embraced you with it’s comfort.

You began preparing yourself a mental list of things you could do tomorrow, forcing yourself to get out of the house and keep yourself occupied after locking yourself away in your apartment the past few months, planning on taking baby steps but knowing that even starting will be more like a push off a cliff.

Pulling yourself out of the bath once finishing cleansing your body, deciding to save washing your hair for the next day, you pulled yourself out of the bath, honestly just wanting to curl up into bed and go to sleep but knowing you needed to force yourself to eat something. So, you dry off, applying some matching lotion to your body, which made you feel a sense of pride of yourself as you made small steps to take care of yourself again, thanking the air of Italy as self motivation and threw on the robe that you swear was the softest one in the world.

A sudden sound coming from the house made you jump, a hand coming over your chest to try and calm your racing heart as your mind tried to think of all of the possibilities of who could be there, or maybe it was coming outside? Or honestly at this point you thought it could be your imagination as the memories that have been flashing into your mind have been so vivid it felt like it was actually happening. Your feet softly padded on the wood flooring, making your way to what you thought was the site of the sound, feeling bile rise in your throat at the sight before you.

It was Harry there, with one of the most beautiful women you had ever seen in your life, laughing together.

You weren’t sure if they saw you, both of their hair wet as towels wrapped around them and it seemed like they had just got back from the beach, making you think that you must have just missed each other as you swapped positions. You slowly walk backwards, thinking of running out the back towards the beach and calling a car, leaving all of your clothes there.

You could see slightly into the master bedroom, seeing their suitcases sprawled and things laid on the couch as they chatted together, knowing they must have arrived when you were down at the beach, your presence unknown as all of your things sat seemingly hidden in the guest room which you were now desperately trying to go and hide in, but after it being too log since you been here, you accidentally ran into the wall, a photo that was hanging there crashing to the floor, glass shattering.

Two heads quickly snapped their way towards you, both pairs of eyes meeting yours as gasps left both of their lips, Harry’s face going pale as he saw you. You opened your mouth to speak, but with this being your first time seeing your partner since the breakup, no words were able to come out.

Spinning on your heel your ran back into the guest bedroom, pulling the suitcase out of the closet and messily shoving all of your clothes into it, tears stinging your eyes and unable to hold them in as they silently spilling on you cheeks, more coming as you heard the familiar steps coming your way, feeling the presence behind you and hearing the door shut softly behind you.

“Y/N?”

—————————————————————————

Part 2 anyone???

ALSO PLEASE READ THIS!!

I was wondering what people would think about me doing personalized little blurbs/imagines for people who donate to my tip jar? you could give me your name, prompt, pronouns, etc and i will write it just for you!! :) i’m trying to write more and it’s hard bc i’m a broke college student who needs to work but if people who WANT a personalized little fic with bucky or harry or something with their own name and such maybe I could do something like that? of course I will still be doing all normal requests and such but this way it’s kinda like a one time patreon for people who want to do something like that? idk please comment/send me a message/ask and let me know what you think!!!! let’s talk!

#harry styles imagine #harry styles angst #harry styles blurb #harry styles fan fic #harry styles fan fiction #harry styles imagines #harry styles headcannon #harry styles smut #harry styles fluff #harry styles series #harry styles writing #harry styles request #fic rec #harry styles #harry styles dirty imagine #harry styles one shot

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mrskurono · 3 years

Text

Mommy Series || Miya Twins

Tag(s): tw:incest, tw:age gap, mommy kink, nursing, mmf threesome, dub con ish, fingering, vaginal penetration, cum play, dirty talk, lewd imagery below cut

Character(s): Atsumu Miya (hq), Osamu Miya (hq)

For years whenever both boys felt scared they knew they could crawl into mommy’s bed no questions asked.

Just the way she’d lay in bed with both of them latched onto her breasts. It evolved with the boys as they got older. Osamu would come into the room first. Carrying his blanket. Not even asking if he could come snuggle.

Shortly after that Atsumu would come sneaking into the room when he realized his shared bedroom was empty. A clear cut indicator that Osamu made it to mom first. Sometimes, not always, Atsumu would beat his brother all together.

Whispers to his drowsy mother as if she was awake. Hardly considered that. It was request no mom could deny. The Miya mother would pull her covers down and a smug Atsumu would get into bed before his twin did. That way when Osamu wandered in after midnight. Atsumu could peek over their mother’s side with a wicked grin. Having taken his spot snuggled up against mom’s warm side.

Osamu would grumble. But simply get under the covered on the opposite side. Nothing was going to stop him from getting cozy with mom when he was little.

Soon it faded though. The boys remained competitive but their mom had long forgotten the last time either of them snuck into the room with her. Still as protective of her boys as she was the day they were born. There was no denying that she’d do anything if her boys needed it.

Graduation. A tournament. Tests. Stress in heaps. Both twins had been internalizing it for a while. Eating away at each other unbeknownst to their mother until finally it came to a head.

Neither twin could sleep.

Clock mocking them with the face reading a couple minutes past two in the morning. Atsumu huffed for the thousandth time.

Osamu finally had enough, “Gonna to go lay in bed with mom.”

“What yer a baby ‘Samu?” Atsumu mocked even though he was in the same boat as his twin.

“No.” Osamu at least didn’t grab his blanket like when he was a kid, “I’m tired and mom’s bed is softer.”

Grumbling to himself for not getting a rise out of his twin. Atsumu laid there seconds after Osamu legitimately left. Just like when they were kids Atsumu finally couldn’t stand being in the room alone. Flinging his own covered off the other twin stalked towards his mother’s bedroom after his brother.

The door open slightly to the master bedroom. Atsumu peaked in wondering if his brother made it actually in here or if he lied and went to the kitchen. Sure as the sun. There was Osamu tucked into their mom’s side on the left side of the bed. Immediately Atsumu pouted and pushed into the room.

Less tactical than his brother. Atsumu hovered over the right side of the bed. The vivid imagery of having this same memory throughout his childhood. Osamu was bigger but he was still snug against their mom’s side with his much bigger arm draped over her abdomen. And that snarky underhanded grin on his lips as Osamu looked up at him.

Like he was eight again, Atsumu started chanting his mom’s name as he nudged her arm, “Mom...Mom....Mum-”

“Huh- ‘Tsumu?” Hardly awake, eyes in fact still closed, their mom could hear her other son’s hushed words, “Hun what’s wrong? What time is it?”

“I can’t sleep-” Atsumu confessed, more honest than he cared to admit. His eyes drifted to his brother’s broad hand resting on their mom’s side and Atsumu felt his body getting warm, “...’Samu is already-”

Not even thinking, basically still asleep, his mom pulled her covers back. Exposing her nightgown and the empty space on the right.

Certainly smaller than he remembered it. Atsumu didn’t stop from getting in next to her. The bed felt so much bigger when they were little. Now with two nearly grown men in it. They wondered how the three of them ever fit in it.

Nestled down at eye level with his brother. Atsumu and Osamu were staring at each other in the dark of the room. Now both of them had their arms draped over their mom. In a bit of a pissing match Atsumu squeezed his mom’s side more and pressed into her. He wasn’t first in here but he was gonna get more of her attention.

Osamu responded by pressing up into their mom and flicking at Atsumu with the arm draped over her. Both of them about to get hissy with one another if their mother hadn’t interrupted.

“Stop,” Her voice a groggy mumble, “Or you can go back to your own room.”

Both of them were kinda amazed. Wondering if she even realized both of her grown boys were in bed with her. But as they were snug against their mom’s body in bed. The silk of her gown on their fingertips. And the way they had to angle their hips against her to keep from falling off the bed. Both twins were starting to feel the heat spread through their bodies.

Still gunning to win over the arbetrary fact of who ‘loved’ mom more. Osamu brought up his trump card, “...Mom, I breastfed longer than ‘Tsumu right?”

Rubbing her face, their mom remained silent for a second. They both thought she was asleep before finally speaking, “You both did.”

“Yeah but-” Osamu glared at his brother over her, “I was longer yeah? ‘Tsumu just didn’t care or-”

“Yer a lil’ shit ‘Samu I breastfed just fine I wanted mom too-” Atsumu snapped at his brother. Gripping at his mom more like that would win, “Eatin all the time mom probably didn’t want to feed ya-”

“I fed both of you at the same time.” She mumbled drifting in and out of sleep, “Like this- And...Yeah, on each breast. Tandem feeding or whatever...They call it.”

Osamu wouldn’t drop it, “But I did longer yer just the shit ‘Tsumu so-”

Heated over his nitpicking and the warmth spreading over his body finally Atsumu glared at his brother and snapped, “Shuddup I want mom too ya can’t have her to herself- I’d- I’d still be doing it if-”

“Boys-”

“Yer lyin-”

Done with coming in second Atsumu broke his concentration from his brother and looked down at his mom. Impulsively his broad setter hand slipped under her gown. He’d shut his brother up with proof.

“Atsumu what are-!” Their mom with no time to react, gasped the second she felt her son’s hand grab at her breast. Absolutely nothing on under the gown. He got a fistful of soft supple warm breast.

Stunned a second. Atsumu looked at his hand shift under the gown as he realized how soft his mother’s tits actually were, “Warm...”

Never ready to let his brother show him up. Osamu proceeded to follow the lead. His hand pushing their mom’s gown all the way up now. Just so his hand could find her free left breast. Like his brother the twin stopped to look in awe at how wonderful his mom’s breast felt in his big hand.

“Soft...” Osamu inadvertently licked his lips as he stared down at his mother’s breast. Her well used nipples, prominent even though they weren’t hard. It was clear she’d nursed two very ample eaters with them.

“Mom yer so warm...” Atsumu mumbled, almost eerily calmed in the seconds after finding his hand on his mother’s breast.

“Y-You two-” Beyond stunned to take in the moment that both of her son’s were groping her breasts. All the woman could think for a split second was how different their hands felt now than when they were infants. And the heat spreading through her body. They weren’t babies anymore.

First to do so was Osamu. The nagging feeling eating him away until he leaned forward to catch her nipple in his mouth. Not sure what to expect taste wise. The calming warmth from his lips sealed around his mother’s nipple only caused a bit of a rumbling moan from the grey haired twin. Needing to shift closer to her. Osamu didn’t even think of the growing problem pressing into his mom’s thigh.

“Shit ‘Samu-” Atsumu felt his mouth watering. Maybe it was his brother. Or that he remembered how nice it was to nurse. But soon the blond twin was latched onto his mother’s other breast. His soft breath tickling her skin as was Osamu’s. Both boy’s eyes fluttering shut as they nursed like their life depended on it.

This was the most relaxed they’d felt all night.

Far from the same could be said for the poor Miya mother. Both sets of tongues, washing over her sensitive tits at different speeds. Much like when they were babies. Osamu’s lazy circles paired with his suck here and there was just like how he’d nurse as a baby.

And Atsumu. Almost urgent in the way he sucked more and more of her tit into his mouth. Like he couldn’t get enough. The hearty eater he was as a baby clearly didn’t leave him as a grown man.

“B-Boys-” Certainly not asleep now. Their mother still suffered at their mouthy assault. Mind clouded with the jolts of pleasure dancing all over her body. Neither of them listened as their hands traveled past just holding her breasts to their mouths.

“Mom’s skin is so soft...” Atsumu mumbled against his mother’s breast in the moments after his hand found it’s way down along her thighs, “ ‘Samu feel-”

Osamu hummed on his mother’s breast. Unwilling to unlatch or open his eyes. But what he did find was his broad hand moving down her soft stomach. Stretch marks and all, the way her tummy felt so supple under his hand made the twin press into her harder. Almost unaware of his own hard on. As was Atsumu. They were engulfed in feeling their mom’s familiar body for the first time in years.

Finally, when Atsumu’s adventurous hand brushed their mother’s unclothed core, a moan bubbled in the dazed woman’s throat. Almost startled by it. The twins stopped and looked at each other wide eyed.

Like it hadn’t dawned on them beforehand what they were doing. But when they stopped to see the sight of their mother’s gown hiked up over her breasts. Her slightly untrimmed bush hiding her core. And the way she was squeezing her legs together in the middle of this turmoil. The Miya twins got a wicked idea of how to love their mom more.

“Yer gonna hog mom like ya always do!” Atsumu pushed Osamu off the breast he went to return to.

“No! Yer being a brat ‘Tsumu!” Osamu moved to yank at his brother’s hair.

“Boys!” Cutting through their bullshit, their mother’s voice called their attention from each other back onto her.

In that moment they understood working together might be better.

Atsumu didn’t return to her breast like Osamu did. Instead he found his mouth moving down his mom’s stomach until finally he shifted down to between her legs, “Wow....Mom’s so wet-”

“Atsumu don’t talk like that!” Their mom’s voice held no real command in it. Her body betraying herself in the dark of night to her both her sons touch.

Neither listened. Osamu’s hand found the breast Atsumu had left. Fingers pinching and rolling her nipple between his fingers as his mouth stayed one hundred percent latched on. His eyes at least open now to lazily look down at his brother’s face framed by their mother’s thighs.

Atsumu on the other hand was enthralled by the sight of his mother’s glistening cunt lips. Sure she had a little bit of an overgrown bush but that was the last thing on his mind. Brash about it, Atusmu took a finger a drew it up her wet slit. Earning the exact pleasant reaction of her moans when his finger grazed her hard clit. That made him smile. Osamu wasn’t making her moan. So Atsumu took it a step further.

Pressing his finger against his mom’s clit, the setter flicked it a few times. Just to see his mom buck her hips up and stifle the moan leaving her. Very much liking that kind of reaction. Atsumu grinned at Osamu as he delved one finger inside his mother’s soaked core.

“She’s so wet ‘Tsumu-” Atsumu purred, “Yer missin out.”

Osamu mumbled something on his mother’s breast. Still not willing to give up the comfort of her breast in his mouth. Instead he lent one hand down to see what all the fuss was about. And a fuss indeed. Just as he drew his finger up his mom’s slit he found his finger to be coated in juices. And the way she whimpered the second his finger touched her clit was mind blowing to say the least.

With Atsumu’s finger knuckle deep in his mom. Enjoying the sensation of his mother’s walls twitching around his finger. Osamu joined the fun by drawing little circles around his mother’s clit. Mouth still busy with the breast in his mouth. Now though half his attention was spent on her aching bud.

“B-Boys-” All that could be managed past clenched teeth. Body not hers anymore. Their mother hiding her face in embarrassment as she felt the tightening of her stomach which could only mean one thing.

“Add another yer jus teasin-” Osamu grumbled, lips barely parting from her nipple. But the way Atsumu only kept one finger twirling around inside showed the dunce wasn’t listening to their mother’s body right.

“Shuddup I was gonna-” Atsumu grumbled. Drawing another finger up her slit just to wet it. Slipping both strong setter fingers back inside his mom’s core and he had to smile to himself, “Wow Mom- Yer suckin my fingers in. I wonder what else ya could suck in like this-”

Unable to answer their mother was left to the mercy of the boys toying with her. Osamu’s fingers pressing her clit in the right way. And Atsumu’s fingers stretching her more than her own ever did. It was hard to not loose it. And when she did both boys got the show of their lives as their mother’s juices drenched everything under her. Atsumu’s hand included.

The way she was panting and whimpering was a sure fire sign they did something right.

“Our turn mom.”

Shuffling before she realized it. Atsumu was propping her legs up and wedging himself up against her. While the press of Osamu’s cock to her cheek caught her off guard. The woman didn’t know where to focus in the moment. Both boys manhandling her without a second thought.

Just as watching their mom squirt had riled them up. Now as Atsumu rubbed his cock against her cunny. And Osamu pressed his cock against his mother’s lips expectantly. Both twins were set on getting their turn too.

“F-Fuck-” Atsumu, the most impatient, slipped his cock inside his mother’s twitching cunny with a little more force than expected, “Mom- Yer so tight- Fuck...how did ‘Samu’s stupid head ever come outta here.”

“Yer the one with the big head ya idiot-” Osamu had to inhale sharply mid remark as his cock finally made it past his mom’s supple lips. Her tongue immediately lapping at the underside of his cock as her son’s length forced her to take a second to breath out her nose, “F-Fuck....Mom...”

Finding themselves too focused on pleasure. The bickering stopped almost immediately. A mother did know her son’s well. She couldn’t stop moaning around Osamu’s cock as Atsumu began rutting into her. Strokes of a young man who certainly hadn’t learned much. But she had her suspicions neither of them knew nothing. It was just that they’d need some teaching if either of them were going to be really good.

Good enough to keep her from thinking straight. As Atsumu finally bent down, caging his mother between his hands. Fucking her with a desperation like none other. Atsumu wasn’t sure if he was more turned on by the fact his cock was buried in the same place he and his brother came from. Or if every time he looked up he saw the outline of his brother’s cock prod at their mother’s cheek as she bobbed up and down on him in time with this thrusts. The sight of his brother fucking their mother’s mouth nearly as intoxicating as the sight of his cock disappearing inside her needy cunt.

“C’mon switch already-” Osamu pushed at his brother. Finally fed up watching him get to enjoy their mother.

Atsumu grumbled and complained but pulled his aching cock from her before he was ready. Unlike his brother though Osamu had his hands on his mother, encouraging her onto all fours, as Atsumu moved to her mouth.

“Mom, all wet and ya smell good...” Osamu took a second with his hands on her ass. Spreading her apart so he could see the slight agape cunt his brother had already stretched out. Still she was soaked and the second Osamu slipped his cock against her cunt lips. He knew he wouldn’t be able to control himself.

Plunging himself balls deep into her. It was a blessing Atsumu already took a bit slower. The way Osamu fucked with a frantic need was only worsened by the way he hunched over her. Hands finding her breasts. And holding on for dear life as he rutted into her like a dog in heat. Just the thought, the feeling, being so close to mom. Osamu could hardly control herself.

Atsumu, keeping his mother from falling off the bed with Osamu’s powerful thrusts. Found himself directing her head towards his slimy cock. Coating in her own juices. Atsumu nearly lost it the second she devoured every inch of him regardless of slick covering it.

“S-Shit-” Atsumu grabbed both sides of his mother’s head as she worked up and down his length, “I’m surprised- Surprised ya didn’t blow ‘Tsumu cause yer so fuckin useless-”

“Shuddup-” Osamu grunted between thrusts. He couldn’t argue with his twin and keep the deep thrusts hitting his mother’s cervix. Instead he chose to keep stuffing his cock as hard as he could into his mother.

Muffled lewd noises coming more and more from their mother. Atsumu was the first to notice. Followed by Osamu as her walls clenched around him.

“Moms gonna cum.” Atsumu groaned when his mother took him down to the hilt. Stifling her moans and enjoying the sensation of her throat against his cock.

Osamu wasn’t going to stop. His thrusts became harder and his grip on her breasts firm just as his fingers found her nipples again. The way her cunt sucked him in meant he wouldn’t last much longer either.

And as their mother’s muffled moans hummed against Atsumu’s cock. So did the groan of the grey haired twin. Thrusting into his mom’s spasming cunt as he couldn’t help but paint her insides white. Filling her with thick sticky cum until Osamu could feel it ooze around his cock. His mother was filled with his own cum. The thought left every fiber in his being tingling. Soiling the very cunt he came out of with his cum.

When finally her legs gave way and Osamu pulled out to let his mother lay back down. Atsumu was an impatient shit ready for his turn.

“Move already ya fuck-” he pushed Osamuout of the way from between their mother’s legs. His hand squeezing his own cock in desperation. Precum beading down his slit. Sure he could have let his mother suck his cum from him. But the fact Osamu got to cum inside. Now made him want to do it too.

“Stop pushin-” Osamu grumbled, sedated in the fact he gave his mother his precious load first.

“Move quicker then-” Atsumu grumbled.

Returning back to his mother’s breast. Osamu laid behind her as their mother was trying to catch her breath in the moments after her orgasm. No reprieve between two rowdy boys though. Osamu was groping and sucking on her tits all over again. When the familiar sensation of Atsumu rubbing his cock up and down her cunt was what made her moan again.

“God yer so hot mom-” Atsumu couldn’t help the groan. His mother’s hot core. With the addition of her juices and Osamu’s cum smearing on his cock. All he wanted to do was fuck himself silly now with his mom’s cunny.

Osamu hummed his agreement. Eyes shut again as he was back latched to her breasts like a needy infant. Unaware of his mother looking down finally to see her baby between her legs. Cock in hand as Atsumu lubed himself up with cum and juices. All to push his cock down to the hilt back into his mom’s quivering cunt.

“Atsumu!” His name left her like a gasping moan.

“Hah!” He grinned, pressing hard into his mom and savoring the feeling of her walls twitching around her, “I made her say my name!”

Osamu, less than enthused, didn’t open his eyes but briefly unlatched his lips, “I made her cum.”

Huffing with that fact. Atsumu wasted no time. For himself and his mother.

His thrusts much snappier and shorter than his twins. It didn’t stop the woman from becoming a babbling mess as Atsumu fucked her relentlessly. One orgasm already stolen by a twin. And another quickly approaching on the way.

“Fuck mum-” Atsumu slurred his words. He thought he could do better but the way her walls wrapped around him and the sight of his mother’s jiggling tits under him was gonna be his undoing. Frantically he pressed his thumb against her clit wanting to desperately make her cum just Osamu did.

Like before, when Osamu stole her first orgasm. Atsumu’s fucking paired with his thick fingers on her clit meant there was no chance to escape. The knot in her stomach grew. Osamu’s lips on her tits. As Atsumu fucked like a bunny in heat. Finally it was too much.

Gushing over her son’s cock just as she’d done with his fingers. Atsumu’s strokes only lasted a handful more as he grunted. Needing to push his hips hard into his mother. Bottoming out in the moments her orgasm milked him for everything he was worth. Atsumu getting finally adding his cum to the mixture with Osamu’s.

Everyone was breathless, save for Osamu who returned to lazily sucking on his mother’s breast. Atsumu wasn’t quite ready to pull out but all the resistance to sleep beforehand hit him like a train. His cock popping out to let the plug of cum ooze down his mother’s ass cheeks. Atsumu collapsed back on his side of her.

Both boys back to their rightful place on either breast. Eyes closed even as Atsumu and Osamu had wandering hands after all of it. Both of them drawing their fingertips down there mom’s stomach to find her cum filled pussy. They hummed pleasantly while the twins played with her cum stained lips and every so often pushed their finger in their mom. Playing in the mess they’d left for her down there.

Atsumu hummed against his mother’s breast, “Thanks for lettin us sleep with ya mum.”

Osamu echoing his brother, “Thanks mom.”

They were her boys. If they needed her, how was she supposed to tell them no.

#tw:incest #atsumu miya #osamu miya #miya twins #haikyuu!!#hq!!#hq smut #haikyuu #hq #hq atsumu #hq osamu #atsumu smut #osamu smut

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yyh4ever · 3 years

Photo

Yu Yu Hakusho 2009 Blu-Ray Booklet

Part I (pp.1-17): Comments from Yoshihiro Togashi and Japanese Voice Actors

Part II (pp.18-35): the rest of the characters’ profiles, anime episode guide and interview with the animation staff.

This 35-page booklet comes with the 2009 Blu-Ray Edition. The illustrations were made by Mari Kitayama, anime’s character designer. It has a brief summary of the characters (no new information). I’d just like to highlight the messages from Yoshihiro Togashi and the Japanese voice actors:

1. Togashi drew Yusuke leaving a message

“Thank you for buying!!! Enjoy it!!”

2. Main cast comments: the four voice actors, who played the main characters, share their memories and send messages to the fans.

Note: The Picture Drama mentioned by the voice actors in their messages is the one recorded exclusively for this Blu-Ray BOX in 2009. I did my best to adapt some Japanese expressions to English, so I’m sorry for any mistakes.

Nozomu Sasaki ● Yusuke Urameshi

Profile:

- Born on January 25th, Hiroshima Prefecture;

- Affiliated to 81 Produce (voice talent management firm);

- Representative works are: "AKIRA" (1988) as Tetsuo; "Genji Tsushin Agedama" (1991) as Agedama Genji; "Here is Greenwood" (1991) as Kazuya Hasukawa; "Legend of the Galactic Heroes" (1988) as Julian Mintz; "MONSTER" (2004) as Johan Wilhelm Liebert; "Beverly Hills, 90210" (1992) as David Silver; "21-Emon" (1991) as 21-Emon etc.

Message:

I went to an anime convention held in Seattle the other day. There, I had the chance to meet and talk with many anime fans and everyone I met said that they love "Yu Yu Hakusho". When I signed an autograph for a hardcore guy who was cosplaying Yusuke, I thought I was the one who wanted his signature, and for a beautiful lady who drew a really cool picture of Yusuke and showed me, I seriously thought about asking her to give it to me. I was impressed by the fact that although it is a work from 17 years ago, it is not old to the fans and they are still loving it. I feel like "Yu Yu Hakusho" has revived within me. And with this Blu-ray release, "Yu Yu Hakusho" has been revived even more! Whether you've seen it in the past or for the first time, please enjoy it. "Yu Yu Hakusho" will surely be revived many times in the future, I am very happy to have met this wonderful work that has been loved by people all over the world for a long time and continues to live on.

Shigeru Chiba ● Kazuma Kuwabara

Profile:

- Born on February 4th, Kumamoto Prefecture;

- Affiliated to 81 Produce;

- Representative works are: "Urusei Yatsura" (1981) as Megane and others; "Fist of the North Star" (1984) as narrator and others; "Mobile Police PATLABOR" (1988) as Shigeo Shiba; "DRAGON BALL Z" (1989) as Raditz; "One Piece" (1999) as Buggy etc.

Message:

It has been known for a long time among some intellectuals, as a matter of course, that this three-dimensional space, the Underworld and the Spirit World exist in such a way that they overlap due to differences in wave motion. We are "conscious beings" that are currently using our physical bodies as a tool to learn how to love and control our emotions through our experiences in a three-dimensional space-time, but the man I played, Kazuma Kuwabara, also learns what is important to humans by meeting Yusuke and his friends.

This time, when "Yu Yu Hakusho" was made into Blu-ray, video commentaries and a picture drama were recorded. Even though it has been more than ten years since the broadcast ended, the atmosphere has not faded but rather has become more vivid.

Unlike audio commentary, video commentary appears as live video, so it is different from a normal recording. However, when the director gave a signal to start, the conversation proceeded with each of us instantly feeling and comprehending the division of roles.

A work is not completed by staff and cast alone. The reason is that it cannot be viable without the existence of a third creator, the "audience", who is the most important thing beyond the point of transmission.

The love and support of the fans elevates this work and makes it grow. In that sense, the work "Yu Yu Hakusho" can be said to be a masterpiece that has been sent out to the world together with its fans. I would like to take this opportunity to thank our fans again. Thank you! And thank you for your continued support!

Megumi Ogata ● Kurama

Profile:

- Born on June 6th, Tokyo;

- Affiliated to JTB Entertainment;

- Representative works are: "Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon S" (1994) as Sailor Uranus; "Magic Knight Rayearth" (1994) as Princess Emeraude; "Neon Genesis Evangelion" (1995) as Shinji; "Cardcaptor Sakura" (1998) as Yukito Tsukishiro etc. In addition to releasing many CD albums as an artist, she appeared as a storyteller in the NHK special program "Kaidan Hyakumonogatari" (2009).

Message:

"Every role I play is important”.

That's what I always answer whenever I'm asked what my most important work is. It's true. Without any one of them, I wouldn't be where I am today, so all of my works are important. However, there are few works that make my chest ache just by looking back and it’s so painful that it grabs my heart tightly (for me, looking back = the feelings of the role come down to me). "Yu Yu Hakusho" is undoubtedly one of the first works on the list.

Yu Yu Hakusho is one of my debut works as a voice actress (at the same time, I played the role of Shizuo in "Tsuyoshi Shikkari Shinasai").

A very popular character of a very popular work that suddenly shook an industry where I had no idea what I was doing. Moreover, the difficult role of "a high school boy possessed by a youkai who has lived for 1,000 years”...I am happy. There are not many voice actors who can make such a debut. But to be honest, it was hard for me at the time. Not only because of the pressure, but also lots of things going on at the same time in the environment...Nevertheless, I can live here and now because I was able to overcome this period. I can do my best.

For me, the role of Kurama was the very "origin".

I love you. I still love Kurama as much as ever...Second only to his fans (laughs). I was surprised to see that “he” still lives in me, so much so that when I stood in front of the microphone with the Picture Drama script in my hand, he came down to me easily. I am also deeply grateful for this project, just for the fact that I was able to interact again with everyone who hasn't changed at all (laughs, Yusuke, Hiei and Kuwabara-kun).

Come and take a leap in time along with us. To everyone and to our "those days".

And let’s meet again sometime, somewhere. As Kurama.

Nobuyuki Hiyama ● Hiei

Profile:

- Born on August 25th, Hiroshima Prefecture;

- Affiliated to Arts Vision (Japanese talent agency);

- Representative works are "The Brave Express Might Gaine" (1993) as Maito Senpuuji; "B'TX" (1996) as Teppei Takamiya; "The King of Braves GaoGaiGar" (1997) as Guy Shishiou; "Mobile Suit Gundam/The 08th MS Team" (1996) as Shiro Amada; "Gurren Lagann" (2007) as Viral etc.

Message:

It's a work that made "Nobuyuki Hiyama" a major voice actor. After all, at that time, most of the people got to know me from this "Yu Yu Hakusho". I loved the character "Hiei" and I still like him. I remember how difficult but fun it was to play him, such as his rebellious ways and how he kept his distance from his friends.

It was also quite hard to properly use "humph," "tsk," and "idiot”. When you watch this BD-BOX, please, see that as a point of interest, it’ll make Hiyama happy (laughs).

This time, I played the role of Hiei for the first time in a long time, but it feels like I was able to play him without any difficulties. That's why I realized once again that Hiei is at the forefront of my acting roles.

In the Picture Drama, Hiei was used as a punch line, but even at the time of airing, Hiei was used as a gag character and a character to toy with, in dramas (made by Mr. Chiba) recorded as CD bonuses¹, that is also strangely nostalgic.

Finally, everyone who bought this BOX. Thank you very much.

"Yu Yu Hakusho" is a truly memorable work for me.

At the same time, I think it's a very interesting work to watch now.

For those who watched it on air back then, please watch it again.

If you are watching it for the first time this time, please enjoy the world of "Yu Yu Hakusho" with a fresh feeling.

And please charge up the Yu Yu discussion across generations.

Translator Note:

¹ Mr. Hiyama is talking about the Yu Yu Special Mini Drama “Warrior Hunger”, written and directed by Shigeru Chiba, that came as bonuses in the “Yu Yu Hakusho Music Battle Edition 2” and “Yu Yu Hakusho Memorial CD BOX”.

Lastly, I’d like to highlight Kurama’s parents, Shiori Minamino and his stepfather Mr. Hatanaka:

Shiori Minamino

Kurama’s mother in the Human World. She has a kind heart that transformed him, a villainous youkai. Her husband had passed away and she fell ill. However, thanks to the power of the “mirror of darkness” stolen by Kurama, she recovered and remarried a man named Hatanaka (right).

I wonder how old Kurama was when his biological father passed away, probably very young. I’d also love to see him working at his stepfather’s company.

#Yu Yu Hakusho #bluraybox2009 #megumi ogata #nozomu sasaki #nobuyuki hiyama #shigeru chiba #Kazuma Kuwabara #yusuke urameshi #hiei #Kurama #yoshihiro togashi #booklet

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ellsbclls · 3 years

Note

oh !!! uhm, 🥺💓💗😳😐 wow this'll be ??? confusing ??? but ofc peter or tom and reader <33 (you're so amazing omg - that peter blurb was just astounding !!!)

this... got a little sad in the middle, but is pretty cute nonetheless. thank you for making my heart go splat on the pavement over this

WARNINGS: mentions of blood, injuries, burns, and hospitals.

send me the last 5 emojis you used and 2 characters and I’ll try to write a very short shit-story inspired by those (something like a few sentences long or just a short conversation)

"Oh, my poor baby." You cooed, dotingly sweeping damp, chestnut tendrils from his forehead. He hummed lowly in response, chasing your hand as it retreated from the sweat-slick expanse.

Christine had called you no second sooner than it happened — a small mishap in the midst of production sent Tom grappling for his harness during a particularly intricate stunt. Panic seized your every thought from that point forward, his reassurances from that very morning bouncing off your skull like a cruel schoolyard taunt, reminding you that "I’m Spider-Man!" and "This is child's play compared to Far From Home!"

Child's play your ass.

He would never understand how fortune favored, constantly dangling him over the edge before reeling him back to safety, and each incident made him more careless. Sloppier. It aggravated you, how he could wager his safety with such ease, summoning not only irritation but an evergrowing chasm of love, prone to love him more with each of his little details you discover.

Seeing as the tabloids had yet to sink their talons into the prospective headline, you suspected nothing more than a couple of cuts and bruises.

You were not prepared for the gash that decorated the plane of his left shoulder blade, an angry, crimson smile marring what was once smooth, sun-kissed skin. The engraving mapped out his accident in vivid detail, so it wasn't hard to imagine the depth of his fall.

Flittering across the slope of his shoulder, you made light work of his soiled gauze, digits carefully peeling the tape from his skin. At least the set nurse had sorted most of the damage, leaving you with nothing more than routine clean up every 8 hours or so.

The two of you were remarkably close for people with wildly opposite career paths — Tom and his routine injuries was the golden string of fate that tethered you together.

“You know,” his tone wreaked of impending bullshit, failing to shock you once it was uttered. “This still isn’t as bad as Far From Home.”

Linoleum tile that trailed up the burn unit’s spacious halls, fluorescent lights bouncing off their ivory reflections with a blinding vengeance, and an odor so sterile that it splashed against your chest like acid reflux — the memory curdled each time you revisited it, somehow smudging the line between reality and delusion with each passing day.

You remember how sleep ambushed you in the wee hours of that night, but not before you tested the limits of your imagination, rifling through a curated supercut of the worst possible outcomes imaginable. For hours. You were so tired that the doctor had to prod you awake with the back of his pencil, and even amidst your drowsy daze, your breath still hitched at the mention of pyrotechnics, and how fortunate your boyfriend was to be on the more forgiving end of the flames.

You remembered the dismal glint in his eyes each time he looked down at the length of his arms, glistening with topical creams and singed with fat, gnarled stripes. You swear that it sneaks up once in a while, when he thinks you’re not looking, projecting the memory of his damaged limbs after years of successful recovery.

Somehow, you weren’t able to recall the memory as endearingly as him, and you coughed up a dry laugh in response.

But he was right.

You wouldn’t dare imagine how much worse this could have been. So you don’t — opting to channel all of your concern into the hesitant swipes of alcohol you pressed against his injury, recoiling with each pained hiss that followed. “I know. I know, my love. I’m almost done.” You winced at the way the pad returned heavier with each pass, saturated with more and more crimson residue. “I’ve got a lot of surface area to work with.”

“Are you gonna kiss it better, when it's all cleaned up?” He teased, glancing over his shoulder to gauge your reaction.

“You couldn’t pay me to kiss this, Tom.” Scrunching your nose at the very thought, you scrapped the alcohol wipe in lieu of the medicated cream, something thick and wreaking of menthol that his nurse promised would help.

“Wow,” he sucked his teeth, letting sarcasm drip from his playful quip. “I guess I failed to realize you don’t love me anymore.”

"You're something else," You managed between laughs. Despite your overwhelming compassion, temptation hissed just below your ear, with a cloying proposal that only required the back of your hand and his vulnerable gash. Somewhere between the wicked thought and the action itself, your hand shifted to the spot beside it, swatting his shoulder with a high pitched shriek from his lips. Your laughter only intensified, digits curling around his bicep to keep yourself from doubling over. "Don't move an inch, I'm just gonna grab some more gauze."

Rising to your feet, you playfully bump your hip against his side and set your sights on the bag of first-aid supplies unfurled on your kitchen counter, but you're brought to a sudden halt as his fingers curl around the curve of your wrist, pulling you back into his lap.

In search of his caramel hues, your incredulous gaze is hampered by his own, reverent stare. There's something warm in those honey-dipped hues, kindling with embers of an emotion you can't quite put your finger on, but inviting nonetheless. His hand reaches up to cradle the side of your face, thumb climbing the high planes of your cheek, and with an unwavering timbre he confesses, "Thank you... for taking care of me."

"It's no biggie," You somehow manage to choke out, lungs seized in a stronghold only his affections could enact. It was miraculous that you could even form coherent thoughts, let alone sentences. "I'll take care of you as long as you let me."

Your words coax a love-lorn simper from the corner of his lip, canine's digging into the swell of his lower lip. "It's definitely a biggie, Y/N." his voice lilts at your own words, enamored by your modesty. "No one's ever made me feel as good as you do, and I just want you to know that I appreciate it. From the bottom of my heart."

The mere mention of it prompts you to trace the fabric right above his beating appendage, finding solace in the way it thumps against your palm. His heart, yours to lay claim, as simply as yours belongs to him. You attempt to shy away from the very thought by nuzzling into his palm. "Well, then, it appears that a raise is in order. What, for all my hard work?" You try to lighten the air with an attempt at humor, one you tack onto by tapping your finger against your unoccupied cheek, silently requesting a kiss.

Though, he's three steps ahead of you — sandwiching your face between two sturdy palms, he pulls you up to press a lingering kiss to yours. It's indulgent, and warm, and heavy with a floodgate of love and gratitude that he couldn't possibly put into words. He was an actor, after all, not an author.

You lose yourself in the dizzying trist, encircling your own fingers around his forearms, until you remembered your goal prior. It was nearly impossible, tearing yourself away, but admittedly for the greater good. "Let me finish patching you up. Then I'll kiss it better."

#tom holland blurb #tom holland imagine #tom holland x reader #tom holland oneshot #tom holland x reader blurb #djsbfjhdbfsdjkgbhdksjbghjkdsg i honestly couldn't bring myself to use the actual cherry incident #bc my heart is not strong enough to watch that one interview again #he loOKED SO GOOD #mine*

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multi-fandom-imagines-stuff · 3 years

Note

could you do one where the reader was natasha and yelena’s “sibling” when they lived in ohio, and reader was taken by the red room with them, and then when reader was a teenager, they managed to escape, leaving natasha and yelena behind, thinking reader was dead. after they take down the red room, they find the reader and have a sibling's reunion? and could you keep it gender-neutral please?

Castle on the Hill

Pairings: Natasha Romanoff/sibling!reader, Yelena Belova/sibling!reader

Description: The reader was Natasha and Yelena's "sibling" when they were undercover in Ohio, and gets taken into the Red Room with them. After escaping as a teenager, the reader stays alone, leaving everyone to believe they are dead until one day, they recieve a call from a familiar voice.

Warning: mentions of the Red Room and the torture they caused, i think that's pretty much it

Word count: 2,002

A/N: i had so much fun writing this omg it seriously made me want to cry! i hope you enjoy it!!

✩❀✩❀✩

“Tasha, stop!” I cried, giggling slightly as my sister and her friend chased me through the fields that were located a few blocks away from home.

The fields were my favorite place to play. My older sister Natasha, who was three years older than me, always liked to come to the fields with her friends. A few months ago, I had turned six and mom told me that I was old enough to go play in the fields with Tasha. My younger sister Yelena was only four, so she was still too young to play with us. But that was okay, I still liked to play with her in our backyard. We even had a playground. Tasha had taught me how to do the monkey bars without getting scared, and I passed the skill on to Lena.

Today, I was playing tag with Tasha and her friend. Of course, with them being nine and me only being six, they were a lot faster than me. Being faster than me meant that no matter how fast I ran, they would always catch up to me. Nat reached her hand out and shoved me lightly in the back. However, I wasn’t expecting it, and it caught me off guard, making me stumble a bit. My foot caught on a rock and I went tumbling forward, rolling down a small hill. The smell of grass overcame me as I continued to fall, hearing a sickening crack followed by a blinding pain in my leg. Finally, I came to a stop as I reached the bottom of the hill. I looked down at my leg. It was bent at a weird angle, and the pain was almost unbearable as I started to wail.

“Y/n!” Tasha screamed as she ran down the hill after me. “Are you okay?”

“No,” I cried, grabbing her and burying my head in her shoulder. “My leg really hurts.”

“Okay, hold on, we’re gonna get you home to mom, okay? She’ll know how to make it better,” Tasha reassured me.

I nodded feebly as she helped me up, sitting me in the basket of her friend’s bike before riding back home to get help.

——

My eyes shot open, tearing me from my dream. It was rare that I dreamt about my childhood. I had very few memories from that time, and the one I had just dreamt about was one of the most vivid. I broke my leg that day, and it took two months to heal. I remember Yelena being upset because it meant I couldn’t play outside with her for a while. As much as I didn’t like to recall that time in my life, I couldn’t help but smile at the memory.

Amongst my other memories from my childhood, there were things like my first crush—a kid in my kindergarten class—when I was five, the friends that I had made and had to leave behind, and family dinners every night. But what I remembered more than anything else were the fields we always used to play in. In the distance of those fields, there was a huge mansion made from stone, and Natasha and I always used to imagine it was a castle. Whenever the sun was setting, the orange sky made it look like there was a dragon in the castle blowing fire into the air.

Suddenly, I was pulled from my memories by the sound of my phone ringing. I looked at it sketchily. I never gave my phone number out to anybody, so the odds of getting an actual phone call were extremely rare. Against my better judgment, I picked up my phone and answered the call.

“Who are you and how did you get this number?” I asked, trying my best to sound intimidating.

“Y/n?” A voice came through from the other end.

The voice almost sounded familiar, like I had heard it before, but I couldn’t place it.

“I’m not going to ask again,” I said, my fist balling up at my side. “I am not the kind of person you want to piss off.”

“Oh my god, Yelena, it’s them,” the voice spoke, but it sounded far off like the speaker had brought the phone away from their mouth.

Did she just say Yelena?

“Tasha?” I questioned, my voice cracking ever so slightly as realization set in.

“Yeah, it’s me,” She whispered reassuringly. “It’s me.”

I fell speechless, the phone almost dropping from my hand as I moved to wipe away the tears that were already beginning to roll down my face.

Natasha, Yelena, and I were all brought into the Red Room at the same time. Natasha was eleven, I was eight, and poor little Yelena was only six. What we went through was something that no child—or grown adult for that matter—should ever have to go through. I was there for ten years. Ten years of being held prisoner, of being tortured, of being forced to kill.

I was sixteen when I graduated the Red Room. I thought it meant things were over, that I could run as far away as I could and never look back, but I was wrong. The Red Room continued to control me for two years after that, until one day I faked my own death and got out. It killed me inside to know that Lena and Tasha thought I was dead, but I knew I had no future if I stayed. My only regret was that I couldn’t save everyone else.

I distanced myself from the world, afraid of what I had become, what I had done, and what I was capable of. I escaped eleven years ago, and I’ve been alone ever since.

“Y/n, are you there?” Natasha’s voice came through the phone again, drawing me back to reality.

“How did you find me? I’m supposed to be dead.”

“I know a guy,” She responded, and I could practically hear her smirking.

Right. She’s friends with the Stark guy who owns practically the best technology on earth.

“Listen, there’s a lot we need to tell you about, and I think a reunion is in order,” Natasha explained. “We have your location and we’ll be there in an hour. Be ready.”

With that, Natasha ended the call, leaving me alone in silence. Half of my brain told me this wasn’t happening. That wasn’t really Natasha on the phone, it was just some cruel way for the Red Room to find me. But the other half of my brain believed that everything that just happened was real. As much as I wanted to err on the side of caution, the thought of seeing my sisters again made me the happiest I’ve felt since I was a child.

I glanced down at my phone to check the time. Ten minutes had passed since the phone call, giving me about fifty minutes to pack up my things and get ready.

Packing wasn’t hard. I lived a very minimalistic lifestyle, mainly due to the fact that I didn’t have a proper job, and I was always ready to run at a moment’s notice if I ever caught wind of the Red Room near me.

I finished packing and proceeded to pace the floor until the hour was up and I heard a knock at my door. Deciding that I could never be too cautious, I grabbed my handgun and checked that it was loaded before pointing it at the ground and approaching the door.

“Who’s there?” I called.

“It’s us. It’s Natasha and Yelena,” A voice with a thick Russian accent called back.

Yelena.

“Prove it,” I said again, still keeping my guard up. “Tell me something that only you two would know.”

There was a moment of silence before someone spoke up. This time, it was Nat.

“When we were little, you would spend almost every summer night catching fireflies because I told you they could grant wishes. When you found out they couldn’t, you were so mad, you didn’t talk to me for a week.”

I smiled slightly at the memory. Turning the gun’s safety on, I tucked it into my waistband and opened the door, staring face-to-face with my sisters for the first time in over two decades. Almost immediately, the two of them embraced me in a tight hug, and I never wanted to let go.

“So, what did you need to tell me?” I asked once we all pulled away from the hug.

“We’ll tell you in the car. We have to get going though, we have a long journey ahead of us,” Nat told me.

“Where are we going?” I questioned.

“Home.”

——

Natasha and Yelena explained everything to me. About how they teamed up, about how they killed Dreykov, and about how the Red Room was finally gone.

“So, the other widows, are they safe?” I questioned, processing everything they had just told me.

“Yes,” Yelena answered from the passenger seat, turning around to face me in the back. “There is no one controlling them anymore, and we are currently working toward undoing all of the mind control the Red Room created.”

“I can’t believe you guys took down the Red Room without me!” I exclaimed, crossing my arms. “I would’ve loved to help.”

“Y/n, we thought you were dead!” Nat tried to reason, but I wouldn’t listen.

I wasn’t seriously angry with her, and she knew that. Teasing each other was something we did all the time as kids.

“You can’t be mad at us,” Yelena raised her hands in mock defense. “We literally just saved so many lives.”

I continued to cross my arms, ignoring them both.

“C’mon, y/n, talk to us,” Nat glanced back at me through her mirror as she drove.

Still, I said nothing. I was extremely stubborn as a child, and I guess somethings never change.

“I’ve got an idea,” Lena whispered to Nat.

“February made me shiver,” Yelena started singing. “With every paper I’d deliver. Bad news on the doorstep, I couldn’t take one more step.”

“I can’t remember if I cried when I read about his widowed bride,” Nat joined in. “But something touched me deep inside. The day the music died.”

The two of them went quiet and I knew they were expecting me to sing the next part. Yelena looked back at me, and eventually, I caved.

“So bye-bye, Miss American Pie,” I sang slowly, a smile creeping onto my face. “Drove my Chevy to the levee, but the levee was dry. And them good ol’ boys were drinking whiskey and rye, singin’ ‘this’ll be the day that I die. This’ll be the day that I die…’”

Suddenly, all three of us were singing as loud as we could.

“Did you write the book of love, and do you have faith in god above? If the bible tells you so. Now, do you believe in rock ‘n’ roll? Can music save your mortal soul? And can you teach me how to dance real slow?”

I burst out laughing with glee, causing Yelena and Nat to follow suit. We laughed for what seemed like an eternity, until we were all red in the face and gasping for air.

Trying to catch my breath, I looked out the window just in time to see us speed past a sign that read:

Welcome to Ohio

I continued to stare out the window as I watched the fields fly by. The sun was just beginning to set, and out in the distance, I could see the “castle” that we always used to admire.

Suddenly, I thought back to when we were kids. I was filled with all the memories we made in Ohio, as a family. Even though I knew it was all fake, it was real in my head. Melina and Alexei were my parents, and Tasha and Lena were my sisters. Ohio was my home, and nothing anyone said or did could take that away from me.

#request #mcu oneshot #yelena belova #yelena belova one shot #natasha romanoff #natasha romanoff oneshot #mcu x reader #black widow #black widow spoilers #mcu

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lupically · 3 years

Text

#3B797A | XIAO.

genre | angst

word count | 1707

warning | mention of death, mention of blood, faint mention of injury

note | this was originally posted on my other writing blog, i am moving it here because... well, i have a genshin writing blog now. and, once again, this is not very good. let’s hope i get better at this!

if karmic debt is a real thing, this must be xiao’s worst one yet.

he swore he would keep an eye on you after the first time you died on him.

he has never felt anguish like it.

of all the invisible chains tied around his struggling limbs and his fragile neck, of all the pain and misery he has been put through over the years of his catastrophic life, of all the repressed memories and emotions he kept fighting back to keep his sanity at bay, he has never felt anguish and manic like he did when he saw your lifeless body on the ground with an arrow stuck to your back.

it was the worst one yet, especially when he was the reason why you ended up with a bed of bloody roses underneath you.

he swore he would keep an eye on you after that.

and then came the second time you died. that was also because of him.

the blood that trickled down your lips as you smiled at him was vivid in his memories. he was supposed to be fond of the way you felt relieved to see him there, after he had carried you behind a fallen wall so you didn’t have to see him deal with the treasure hoarders who put you in such a bad state for trying to take a pair of emerald earrings back.

he was, to a certain degree, when you choked out his name in that god-awfully brilliant voice of yours. it was faint, but he could hear the genuine happiness in you when you called his name.

you were always so excited to see him. ever since you dropped atop of him from the sky, apparently coming from nowhere, you have been happy to see him. he was undeserving of that; the chances you have given him at experiencing how soft this world can be was undeserved, but nonetheless, xiao was fond of the way you make him feel, more than he would like to admit, more than anything he has ever seen or heard or felt in this world.

you were the fondest he has ever felt. it was all you.

but the fondness goes like dust and ashes when you reached up with the pair of emerald earrings you bought him, which he dumped in the middle of the ruins because he was being petty about something insignificant he could no longer remember.

the sight of them gave him a moment of realization—you were here because of him.

and then you took your last breath—you died because of him, again.

he didn’t know how to feel when you didn’t respond to your own name. he kept calling for you—[name], wake up, he said. [name], stop playing around, you know you’re not funny, he said. [name], [name], [name]. but your eyes remained closed, so he held you close for the first time, and he exchanged the tears with apologies.

he promised he would keep an eye out for his actions after that.

yet here he was.

don’t die. please don’t die.

he dropped his spear and crouched down frantically next to you. he was still panting from the fight with the three ruin guards patrolling around fallen pillars and buildings, but what made him stress, even more, was less because of his sore body and more because of your bleeding head.

“[name]? [name], open your eyes, right now!” he said—scolded, in the voice he always talked to you with, the fondly defeated tone that showed he has surrendered his annoyance for your happiness, but with more urgency this time.

you coughed, feeling more lifeless than ever. there was a rush of deja vu back then, just a few moments ago when xiao gently laid you against the wall and left after telling you to stay still and keep your eyes open for him. it was like you have lived through this moment before, but you were hurting too much from your head wound to think into it.

xiao breathed out a sigh of relief.

thank the archons.

“hey, xiao…” you greeted with a faint smile, then you reached your hand up to give him the quingxin you picked. “flowers… got you flowers… for crowns… ”

he pursed his lips. you silly! you bone-head! why did you not just buy them from the flower shop? was what he wanted to say. even though knowing you, you would probably spill some weird argument like how flowers picked by other people wouldn’t have the same freshness and love in them, and he would say nothing because there was no winning for him when it comes to you.

he never has anything to say. nothing to go against your favors, and certainly nothing that makes you worry ever again. nothing that will get you running into forests alone to pick him flowers and risk the chance of you stumbling into ruin guards, or hilichurls, or treasure hoarders, or abyss mages.

(maybe the one you should avoid is him.)

“come on, let’s get you to the doctor, okay?” he said as he discarded the flowers at a frantic pace.

he looped your arms around his neck and hoisted you on his back. his spear sparkled next to the white flowers on the ground, reflecting a halo glow upward as if telling on him to the sky about what he did to you again. he took off running back to the city, praying to the archons that he could end your pain quicker, that he could find someone to stop the hurting faster.

but it seemed destiny had other plans.

he paused for a second to catch his breath. he did not notice the way your arms had long gone slack around his shoulders, and how you kept slipping off his back as if you could no longer support yourself. he was deliberately ignoring the details that signified your death, his delusional consciousness wishfully thinking that he would make it to the doctors in time.

“we’re getting there, [name],” he said as if he could still feel your short breath against his neck.

“you’re going to be fine, i will make sure,” he said as he began walking as if he could still feel your chest heave against his back.

“i will keep you safe next time, i promise,” he said as he leaned forward a little because your lifeless body was starting to slip off his back again.

“and then we can go pick flowers together, and you can make me flower crowns,” he croaked with guilted tears running down his cheeks, a smile on his face as if he wasn’t just given hope that he could save you this time, only to have you die on his back.

all because he said he would never put on a flower crown, and you insisted that he has to try.

(maybe the one you should avoid is him.)

the evil archon was silent when xiao appeared before it with your dead body. this was the third time. it was starting to see a pattern, and all it felt was glee that the pattern it has carefully cultivated was working in its favor.

because what better to keep the adepti under control than to make him feel indebted to itself? what better to keep the adepti under control than to keep reviving his dead lover and make him think they have a surviving chance this time around? what better to keep the adepti under control than to kill his lover and use his guilt against him every single time?

“dead again? what have you done?”

“please… help me…” xiao laid your body before the archon, which was just a statue without a face.

“reviving a human that was consumed by death takes a great deal of power, alatus.”

xiao gritted his teeth, but he said nothing when he could feel your skin under his gripping fingers. he lowered his head, pushing down the horrendous amount of anger and humiliation to the back of his mind, and he begged.

he begged for another chance to see your beautiful eyes smile under the moon again, he begged for another chance to hear you talk on and on about the wondrous world you two live in together, he begged for another chance to feel your radiant soul live near him and to let you show him around the city as if he could not already navigate through it with his eyes closed.

(he could not. he knew the concrete roads and the old stone walls, but he could never know about the smooth flower petals dancing with the wind and the tender glow of the sky everyone shared without you taking his hand and dragging him across all parts of the world.)

(just like cotton candy, you told xiao. his frown melts like cotton candy, whatever cotton candy was.)

“i’ll do anything,” he said.

“for the mortal. really.”

“i will do anything,” xiao declared again.

the golden flair in his eyes almost made the evil archon shiver.

it was radiating off of him—the heat of anguish and terror that he had once killed you, the heat of unfairness and humiliation that he has to stoop so low as to meddle with life and death, the heat of extreme affection for a lover he now has nowhere to cast upon because the sole receiver has long died in his arms.

all for a mortal. a special mortal. a mortal who has made someone who hates, love. a mortal who has made him, him who hates and scorns, love. not just themself, but everything else around him—music, flowers, lights, cities. a mortal who made sure he will always love, still, even after the sole reason for his affection is gone and he no longer has a reason to be gentle.

the archon wanted to laugh.

truly. the only thing more maleficent than love itself is the act of using it against someone.

looking at xiao right now—inadequate, fragile, chained, and so miserable.

oh, how it worked in its favor.

it has done so many things to the poor boy, but this one, oh, this would be the worst one yet.

#genshin x reader #genshin imagines #genshin impact imagines #genshin x you #genshin impact x reader #genshin impact x you #genshin impact #genshin xiao #xiao imagines #xiao x you #genshin impact xiao #genshin xiao x reader #genshin impact fanfiction #genshin fanfic #genshin scenarios #genshin impact scenarios #xiao scenarios

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sunlightwoo · 3 years

Text

Spring Snow

☀︎ pairing: spy!sunwoo x reader

☀︎ genre: spy-au, warning: mentions of death & blood, angst, but there is a happy ending :)

☀︎wc: 2.7k

☀︎ plot: It was pure coincidence that the boy you always caught eyes with at the cafe happened to be on days that it snowed. However you knew that he was someone that you couldn’t find yourself being with, because he was someone that you should’ve stayed away from in the first place.

☀︎ a/n: i’m not gonna lie, i struggled writing this for weeks cause i wasn’t sure how i wanted to go with the idea for it, however i did like how this kinda ended up being even though i suck at endings hehe. anyways, happy march everyone!! i hope you’re all ready for the sunwoo angst that i have yet to provide :)

[ gina is listening to: end of spring - onewe ]

COLLAB MASTERLIST | MY TBZ MASTERLIST

There was snow today, you took note of mentally, as you stared out the window with curiosity in your eyes. You weren’t sure what it had meant as it was already mid March and well into the season of spring, as the flurries of snow continued to fall from the sky. Sitting by your window with your thoughts jumbled in your mind, you listen to the small silence that was filling into your room, just seconds before it was interrupted by someone knocking on your door frame.

“Are you going to stay cooped up in here, or are you actually going to leave for class soon?”

The owner of the sarcastic statement happened to be your best friend and roommate, Hyunjae, asks and he gives you an intrigued look on his face just as his arms were crossed over his chest. For as long as you can remember, he had always been the one to bring you out of the thoughts that made you occupy the window for hours on end.

“They were all canceled today because my professors didn’t want to teach while it snowed.” You reply, giving him a small smile and he gives you a jokingly exasperated look before walking over to hand you an envelope that was in his hand.

You look up at him in confusion, unsure of what was on the note knowing that on the outside was an unfamiliar handwriting that was sprawled on it with your name on it. Without any return addresses or a name to go with it, you carefully take the envelope into your hands and examine it closely just as you were able to smell a familiar scent of cologne that overtakes your senses.

Had it already been that long?

“It’s been two years, Y/N.” Hyunjae whispers quietly as he takes a seat right where your feet were currently resting as you knew what he had meant by that, and it was all because you were too scared to face the inevitable that you had created back then.

You continued to stare at the envelope when you held it up to your nose slightly and could smell the stronger scent of the cologne easily wafting up to your nose as the semi-sloppy handwriting that was sprawled on the cover brought back the nostalgia of the first time that you had met him. From that moment then you recalled meeting him whenever it had started to snow in the middle of spring, up until that one day that you decided to leave first before he could even do it.

“I thought I told you both that I didn’t want anything to do with him anymore. There’s nothing left for me to talk or solve.” You whispered softly before holding out the envelope back for Hyunjae to take when he gives you an appointed look on his face.

“Don’t you want to read it for closure?”

Your last encounter with the owner of the letter wasn’t as graceful as you wanted it to be, remembering the yelling and arguments that came from both sides of the party that one night. The memories of that night being as clear as the moonlight that shined then was like a record playing on repeat, and you hated how much you often thought about it despite the fact that you had moved on from those precise moments.

“No. I hate him, and want nothing to do with Kim Sunwoo.”

A lie that you often told yourself for two years since you first witnessed him leave past the front door of your old apartment complex.

And just like that, he became a flower that had yet to blossom in the snowing spring.

It was the year of 2017 when you had first found the quiet little cafe that had been closeby the apartment that you moved into for the new college that you had transferred to. Being ready to start the next two to three years of your life getting your bachelors degree and experience, you thought that you were finally at peace with yourself when you noticed that it had begun to snow mid-March when you had moved in.

You recall how quiet your neighborhood was that twentieth day of March, and after putting on a warm coat and your newly made keys for the apartment, you decided to check out the cafe on your own in attempts to find something to warm you up. Entering the cafe, however, felt like you were welcomed with a new sense of warm that had yet to envelope you like you were entering another territory of heaven.

The smell of rich coffee beans and freshly baked goods filled your nose as your eyes had already found purchase on the menu that was right across your peripheral vision and it amused you how delicious everything sounded. You remember ordering a cup of hot chocolate and a warm melted chocolate chip cookie that day making it your regular order, only changing it on occasions that you were in a rush or in need of a sudden burst of energy.

But you remember when you had first seen him that day, and you often thought about whether or not you regret that very moment every second of the day.

There was something about the way that he strode his way across that had captivated you at the time, and you were most definite that he knew you were looking at him even after you locked eyes, but that didn’t stop him from taking a seat with you. That day, the two of you had gotten to know each other and you learned his name as he did with yours.

Kim Sunwoo, you remember hearing him introduce to you that day and maybe it was the light in his eyes that sparkled which might’ve made you want to learn more about him. The memories of you both instantly clicking that day haunts you, because you remember only finding him in that cafe whenever it happened to snow in the spring, and it carried on into the next spring the year after.

“What do you even do for a living, Sunwoo? I’ve only seen you when it snows here in the spring.” You remember saying to him then, and the rest was history as you remember him asking you out the following evening after he had told you what he did.

He told you he was part of a spy group and you had gotten the pleasure to know each of the members that were in the said group that he was in. They treated you like family and you were grateful to have met them when you did, since you didn’t always grow up in the tight friend groups that people often had around them in college, however with them it felt safe.

Sunwoo had always kept you away from the dangerous spy scene, and at first you were scared with how it might’ve worked out considering your life could’ve been in danger at any given point. However, as you were dating Sunwoo and moved in with him eventually, you were more protected and you never thought of it as anything as he was always the normal guy that you had stumbled into at the cafe with secret dates in the city.

You knew that it was a dangerous living, what they always did, and you couldn’t imagine how Hyunjae could’ve been part of it for years, but somehow with him being your roommate it felt safer than being with Sunwoo. That night when it all happened two years ago could’ve been your worst night that you’ve ever had, because it was something that snowballed from pent up anger and thoughts that neither of you talked out.

It was another night where you were spending it alone at your apartment knowing that the only time you’ve ever seen Sunwoo was at the little cafe when it snowed in March because of how often he was sent on missions by Sangyeon. It was rare for him to come home, and you thought that maybe you should just leave considering you weren’t even sure of the last time that he held you properly after almost two years of dating.

“You’re overreacting, love.” He sighs to himself quietly as the rag that he just had in his hands was tossed into a laundry basket that was filled with old clothes and towels that needed to be cleaned due to the fact that they were stained with blood.

Something that he had come home more often with, and you started to hate this side of him.

“I’m overreacting? When was the last time that you actually came home safe without any blood on your hands, or someone else’s life hanging by the very thread?” You retort and the vivid memory of feeling frustrated with him still sat at the pit of your stomach.

“I’m doing this for the both of our safeties, Y/N-”

“And if one of us doesn't make it through the end of the night, what then?”

That very sentence itself held a lot of tension as the spewed forgotten words were tossed around like fire and oil. With a slammed door and fire still waiting to be ignited at the tip of your tongues, you decided that you didn’t want to be involved with him anymore and go back to your old place to finish off your degrees and find the dream job that you wanted.

With now just a year left before you can graduate and get your masters, you are sitting at your window with thoughts pondering and infiltrating your mind, wondering if those nights should be filled with regrets. The envelope that was outstretched to Hyunjae felt heavy in your hands, and his words of possibly reading the letter for closure continued to linger in your mind up until the point where you thought that maybe it couldn’t hurt to read what the male still had to say to you.

But you felt tears in your eyes by the time that you had fully opened the letter to look at the sprawled words that were written on the small piece of paper, and with every word came a beautiful piece of him that you remembered loving.

It’s been a while hasn’t it, love?

By the time that you’re reading this, it’s way past the time since I walked out on us and I know it’s not your fault.

I think when I walked out that night, it was the idea of you being in constant danger because of me that always made me fear for the worst, hence why Hyunjae is still staying with you as your roommate. I convinced Sangyeon to let him stay with you rather than me, because well I think we know the reason why.

I haven’t been the best boyfriend to you, and there were many times that I wanted to just say sorry and let you hit or yell at me, but you didn’t. I know you couldn’t.

Do you remember that night when we celebrated our first anniversary at our place, just talking about how someday we can just go somewhere that can only be our own home? I always thought that it was in you whenever I always came back from a rough or long mission that led me away from you, but I guess it did more damage than I thought…

I regret a lot of things, Y/N, and I know that one of them was letting you go after I walked out the door, because I know that was my fault.

However, I want to make it right someday and try again after we talk it out, because I don’t think I can love anyone else the same way that I loved you, even if you may not feel the same way after all of this.

Until the next spring snow?

- KSW

The words left an unsettling feeling in your heart as you closed the letter in your hands and left it on your window porch as you curled up your knees closer to your chest. You weren’t sure when Hyunjae had left you in the middle of reading it, but you did know that he had left the house keys right beside your feet and you knew that he had left it there in case you did want to find Sunwoo again after reading it.

And you did.

You remember that it was yet another spring that it snowed and decided to grab your coat and shoes, before heading out of your home to head towards the one place that you used to call your own spot. With your heart practically beating out of your chest you can only imagine what you want to say to him in comparison to what might actually be said if you were to see him in the park that he first took you to in the city.

You were fearful of the idea that he wouldn’t change, but rather keep the dirty side of his job in his life and to put you aside again if you were to go back to how things went before, but you also had never called it off either you think as you had gotten closer to the park that was just five minutes away.

However you already saw the back of his head by the time that you had reached the rows of cherry blossom trees that bloomed and were currently being covered by the flurry of snow. You were breathless, to say the least, with the fact that he had came back on a day like today, and you weren’t sure what to say as you had stood only a couple feet away from him.

“Sunwoo?” You whispered in a quiet voice and watched as the latter turned around at the sound of his name being called, and you weren’t sure what to say.

“Hi, my love.” He whispers back with a small smile on his face and takes one step forward to test the waters, up until you decided to take it upon yourself to throw yourself onto him to embrace his warmth, afraid that he would leave again if you didn’t take advantage of the fact that he was here right now.

“You came back.”

“I only came back because I still love you,” He says and pulls back to look into your eyes, the same ones that he knows that he has fallen in love with from then, when he gently takes your face into the palms of his hands while brushing away the stray snowflakes that had fallen on top of your cheeks.

“Do you still-

“I still love you, if that’s what you want me to say- I’ll shout it out right now. I love you, Kim Sunwoo, and am so in love with you that I am willing to humiliate myself multiple times by waiting for you whenever it decides to snow in the spring-”

He immediately cuts you off with a rough, but also passionate kiss against your lips that had taken your breath away from the first touch. To him, it might’ve felt like he was doing it because it might’ve been the last chance that he had as you kissed him back, but somehow you knew that this might be your last chance with him as well, which was why you thought that maybe fate had let you choose him again during this time with a new plan in mind.

“So we can meet again like we always did, right?” He whispers quietly against your lips when you both pull away slowly as your eyes flutter open to look into his own.

You nod in response with the adrenaline from the kiss still makes you dizzy in your mind as you clung onto his arms tightly. He gives you a small smile as he places one more peck against your lips and moves his hands down to where you were still gripping onto him as he took your hands before warming them up with some newfound hand warmers that he had in his pocket.

“Then I love you too, Y/N. For every time that it snows in the spring, and for every day after that, because I’m not letting you slip past my fingers this time.”

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ecoamerica · 1 month

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lovelivingmydreams · 3 years

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The worst possible thing.

*stares at this long and hard.* Fine!

@kingcreativityau you know who is responsible for what comes next.

Yes @hunter-with-a-tardis I'm looking at you

Janus was pacing the floor. He didn't like this one bit.

“What's taking him so long?” he wondered aloud.

It was a rhetorical question and the sides who were sitting here waiting couldn’t answer him even if it wasn't. No one liked this plan. It hadn't even been a plan. It was half an idea Logan and Janus would have dismissed at once if Virgil hadn’t been in the room and overheard Janus mumble about it. Harnessing Virgil’s given powers and undo what king had done.

It was too risky to even consider. Janus didn’t need Virgil to point out all the ways it could go very wrong. To everyone’s shock Virgil came with a solution though. He'd take king up on his offer and finish the gallery, ask him to teach him to get control over the shadows. If king took a liking to teaching, which Virgil thought he might, he'd keep doing it and eventually Virgil could lift the curses and they all could get back to helping Thomas.

Janus had wanted to argue. Sure king enjoyed instructing others in skills he felt more proficient at. He recalled King teaching him to duel not too long ago. He also remembered what happened after the student caught up though. King storming away and then, after he'd managed to get out of king's obstacle… how he'd been cornered, the panic the punishment for daring to upset the king in any way. No this was their mess. Virgil was not yet on king's bad side. That was a card they couldn't waste on something that risky.

But Logan had been writing and Janus was convinced he'd say something similar. And Virgil was more likely to listen to Logan so he'd waited.

He should have known Logan would never just dismiss any idea out of hand.

Somehow they'd all agreed to see if Virgil could get a first lesson. And soon Virgil left them to practice with the king every day. Which should be a comfort right? King clearly enjoyed the activity and he was not suspicious of anything. That was exactly what had Janus worried now.

Because king wasn't the only one enjoying the lessons. Sure Virgil still seemed terrified of the man, but whenever he returned he was deep in thought, sometimes with a small smile on his face. The one that said: I just did something right.

He'd been looking at them oddly too, like he was figuring out a complicated puzzle.

Something was off but Virgil refused to talk about it. Something about a promise he made.

A click of a pen echoed through the mostly empty space and Janus' head snapped up.

Logan needed his attention.

He was scribbling down something as fast as he could and handed it over. Janus read it over. It was a long ramble, but it came down to one thing.

“I do have faith in Virgil. It's king I’m worried about. One perceived slight and…”

Janus touched the mark on his face. The memory of it's creation very vivid in his mind.

“Aw, you do care,” Virgil's voice came from behind him. Janus whirled around.

Something about what he saw took him back, to a time when he had two misfit friends who didn't hate him. Before the fight.

Maybe if was that mischievous smirk or the way he carried himself as if he couldn't care less what other people thought. Except now he really seemed to mean it.

His clothes weren’t back to normal by any means. They were upgraded though. From a dark version of Roman's original outfit to one reflecting the fitting in upgrade. Except Virgil wore a few medals pinned on his vest. As well as applying Virgil's black and purple with white detailing color scheme.

He also wore a dark purple hooded cape instead of a sash.

Most startling of all, he looked genuinely comfortable with it all.

“Virgil? Is that you?” Janus asked.

Virgil nodded, still smirking. “Indeed it is,” the deep terrifying voice of the King boomed and suddenly he stood behind him hands delicately resting on the youngest side’s shoulders.

But Virgil didn’t even flinch.

“Dear Anxiety made so much progress, I felt he deserved a promotion. I offered him the title of Prince,” king summoned a dark crown in his hand only to immediately clench his fist and make the image disappear. “but he is so loyal to those he considers friends he wouldn't even consider to take my light half’s title,” King praised fondly. He stroked Virgil's hair for a moment. “So he is my head counselor now on top of creative minister. And you should all be happy to know, he made a plea on your behalf.” King waved his hand and suddenly Patton was six years old.

“Wha… I can talk?” Logan gasped astonished.

“You explain the conditions to them. I have to get back to work.” And just like that, King was gone.

“You did it?” Janus asked perplexed this was too good to be true.

“King did. Don't take his generosity for granted,” Virgil warned sternly.

“Virgil, kiddo…”

“You shall not address me like that!” Virgil hissed, his voice booming, twisted and sinister, a dark aura flaring up, making them all step backwards in shock.

Virgil took a deep breath. “Names are for friends and allies. After what I heard… you’ll have to earn my trust back,” he explained a little calmer. They all froze in horror. King told him… of course he did. He'd have to be a fool not to.

“These gifts have conditions attached. Morality you can get back to your own age with good behavior, the reverse is true as well though. Logic your voice can not speak ill of the king and what you do say about him will find it’s way to us.

Any and all communication to the king must go through me. You remember my shadow?” the creature in question appeared next to Virgil.

“He'll… assist you when I am with the king. Ask him if you need to ask me or king something. Oh and fair warning….” Suddenly they all fell to the ground. Crushed by guilt and fear and desperation.

“I’ll do anything to protect Thomas from having to live without us ever again. I won‘t permit you to anger the king. Understood?”

They all nodded as they whipped at their tears.

“Good. Dismissed.” When they looked up Virgil was gone. Only his shadow remained. The creature stared back at them looking heartbroken. “I’m sorry,” it whispered.

“This… might be the worst possible thing,” Logan muttered as he helped Patton up. While the two oldest sides discussed their situation Janus stared in horror at the tragic looking shadow.

How could he have let this happen?

Janus opened his eyes. He was sweating, his heart was racing. What was real, what was a dream? He looked around. He was in his room. He got up to his knees and tapped a rhythm neither he or his neighbor had heard in years. Virgil used to wake up from nightmares like this. Not sure about reality and scared to leave his room. So they came up with a system. Notes weren't an option when you didn't want to turn on the light and alert Remus someone was awake to play with him. So they made up their version of Morse code.

‘What is going on' was always the start of such a conversation. It was just a long series of rapid light knocks. The first reaction, ‘I hear you' was a flat palm against the door. Then you wait for the other to respond. Virgil's response was quicker than he expected.

‘Patton. Small. Logan. Silent. Twins. One.’

Janus nodded. He hadn't dared to hope that all of it was a dream.

‘you?’ he asked. Though he doubted if Virgil could know what to tell him to assure him he wasn't currently being tutored by king. ‘Scared. Confused. Angry. Sad.’

Janus bit his lip. Virgil didn't use the code for pupil. If there was any real plan like in his nightmare Virgil would mention it. He’d been on the other side of these conversations often enough. Yes, everything was… well not fine but not as horrible as he'd feared. All he had to do to keep his dream from happening was not leave Virgil alone with the king. And… maybe figure out how to tell Virgil what had happened all these years ago.

Janus got ready to knock. There was a knock that meant to convey empathy. To be a comforting reminder that Virgil was not alone. But halfway through he remembered another pattern. One Virgil would always close the conversation with. It was almost an alternative for goodnight in these conversations. But it meant ‘Sorry’. Janus' scales stung with the thought of that word. But if he knocked the pattern… it wasn't the same right?

He took a deep breath and started out with: ‘Thanks.’ He readied his hand it was just three knocks long… But the very thought was agony

‘Welcome. Good night.’

Janus sighed as he heard the reply. Perhaps another time.

‘Good night.’

@moonlightshow00 @naturallyunstablegamer @alias290 @meowthefluffy @antiredhuman

#sanders sides #ts sides #virgil sanders #janus sanders #king creativity #kingcreativityau

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keilemlucent · 4 years

Text

lavender latte: vi

(T (for now!))

hawks | takami keigo x reader

ao3

chapter 1 || chapter 2 || chapter 3 || chapter 4 || chapter 5 || chapter 7 ||

masterlist

word count: 6.8k

finally. god.

warnings: none really! reader’s foot booted, but that’s about it.

---

well. here we are. thank u to everyone for reading this sweet, sweet story. we’re not through it yet, but i’m happy to offer a meal with this chapter. enjoy lovies. beta’ed by the lovely love @keiqos.

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You had several problems after returning to your apartment from the hospital. One of your coworkers was nice enough to drive you and your things back, but quickly the niceties stopped and your vague hell began.

Exclusively being on crutches sucked. Navigating your apartment and trying to live somewhat normally was a massive pain. Even just showering was a task that sapped most of your energy. Standing one-legged and balancing made your body ache with a deep soreness, especially the first few days you returned.

This was not even to mention the unpleasant dreams you were having.

‘Unpleasant’ & ‘dreams’ were a nice way of putting it.

You could recall that during your first night in the hospital, one of your doctors told you of the possibility of experiencing a few post-traumatic symptoms. Considering how out of it you were at the time, it was unsurprising how you brushed it off.

The reality was much harder to ignore.

...

Cars revving.

Shouting.

Shattering—

Your eyes flashed open, chest heaving and brow covered in a fine sheen of sweat.

Fuck that.

It was the same dream, an obvious recreation of the stimuli of the event. Though it was scattered in your memory, the dreams made it horribly vivid and vibrant despite lacking detail. The sounds and smells of that day clung to you as you shook your head, forcing yourself into wakefulness.

Your comforter was thrown from your body, and you shivered as cold air rushed over you. As jarred as you were, you still swung your legs off the bed, readjusting your boot and your aching leg, half-heartedly glaring at your crutches.

Your apartment wasn’t terribly set up to get around with your limited mobility, but your difficulty functioning didn’t help your overall mental state. Everything was just harder with the boot on, and you did your best to work with it.

Being locked up in your apartment added to the hellishness of it. You were so used to the stimuli and social environment of the teashop, it felt like a cold water shock when you were confined to your home entirely alone except for your cats.

You could, of course, try and venture out into the world. But, it was still winter and the ice-covered sidewalks didn’t seem like the best place to try and crutch around.

Within the first day or two, you resigned yourself to your three-week fate of being holed up.

You had a laundry list of things you could do. Shows and movies to watch, places in your house to clean, your cats to pet, but—

You still had far too much time on your hands.

A lot of your newfound time in the first few days was spent on your back, leg propped up, and draped in ice bags, musing over Hawks.

Hawks.

Holy fuck.

You couldn’t avoid it, couldn’t stop it. Just thinking about him made every part of you swirl and thrum like you were listening to some sort of contently-chorded song and you were more than happy to play it on repeat until your ears bled. Maybe that feeling towards Hawks had always been there (it had), but now you accepted it and stopped holding yourself back as much.

You never thought the idea of someone squeezing your shoulder would send you into literal fits of giggles and butterflies, but boy, did it. Not to mention all of the careful touches and gentle words you two had shared in the aftermath of the attack, though the memories were hazy. What you did remember and cherish was the warmth of him, quirk activated or not. Each time you recalled it, your gut fluttered and your hands twitched.

Your ceiling was the most interesting place to look in your apartment. The plain texture was the perfect canvas to allow your memories of the sweet interactions the two of you had shared to play like comforting reruns. The commercial breaks of these daydreams were the texts exchanged between you and Hawks.

Keigo couldn’t stop thinking about you either.

It wasn’t as distracting as it once was, as he had been more liberal with letting himself text you. The high number of messages between the two of you was maybe ridiculous, but he was a fast texter and you seemed to have plenty of jokes and banter for him to share in.

As good as the texting was, it was also nice to check-in on you and your recovery. You seemed more annoyed than anything else, but Keigo wasn’t so much of an idiot as to think you weren’t in any pain or struggling at all. Though you didn’t explicitly tell him or show him, he was familiar with the pains of healing and could infer some things about your state.

Keigo tried to brighten your day as he could. ‘Hawks’ still had plenty of hero work to do, especially with the information extracted from the recently detained syndicate members. Despite this, he took as much time as he could to stop and send you little snippets and messages which hopefully would help you smile a little.

It did, of course. Just talking to Hawks did.

You had moments of awareness a few times a day where you had to remind yourself that, yes, (Y/N), you were just casual friends and deeply enamored with the number two hero and that sentiment was at least partially returned.

You had a lot of time to wonder to what extent the feelings were returned. They obviously weren’t entirely one-sided, right?

It was completely possible that they were, but you did your best to shake off the thought.

It was more likely that notorious bachelor and flirt, pro hero Hawks, just wanted a fuck with some feelings. To fuck with some feelings, right?

Though, he did say that he cares about you.

But, you definitely can care about someone you only want to fuck.

You wished you had some sort of definitive answer. The murkiness of it all just made the sweetness of the past and the texts of the present seem a bit sour.

Confessing to Hawks was daunting and terrifying. Not to mention, it felt a bit juvenile, all of it. People weren’t supposed to get melty crushes like this past high school, right? Especially not ones this deep on someone who couldn’t possibly feel the same as you, right?

During one of these moments of uncomfortable clarity, your phone beeped as you rested on the couch. Despite not even seeing the message, you knew it would be Hawks.

You grabbed your phone, clicking open the newest message.

[birdboy]: hey hey angel

[birdboy]: look at this fucker i found

The image attached was a photo of Hawks standing next to one of his own billboards, advertising some sort of sports drink. The photo had obviously been taken with a timer, the angle of the photo tilted as Hawks and the billboard were quite small in the frame. It added to the charm of the photo, the way Hawks was holding a feather blade to the throat of his own advert. You could even tell through the pixels he was wearing a wide smile as he did so, wings spread behind him

You snorted.

You and Hawks are just friends, you reminded yourself.

[you]: looks like a punk bitch 2 me dude

[you]: kinda uncanny resemblance tho

[birdboy]: i agree

[birdboy]: he’s hot tho

You rolled your eyes, still smiling as you readjusted on the couch. You weren’t disagreeing, not at all.

[you]: not wrong

[you]: still, punk bitch

[birdboy]: :^(

[birdboy]: feelings = hurt

[birdboy]: please tell me the photo is funny

[birdboy]: it took like five tries

[you]: very funny, im gonna save it and sell when im short on cash

[birdboy]: my publicist will blacklist u

[you]: i’d like to see them try

[birdboy]: is that a challenge angel????

[you]: a promise

There was a break in the messages, though Hawks appeared to be typing.

[birdboy]: unrelated but

[birdboy]: how are you doing?

You paused, taking stock of your disheveled, sleepy self. You were only a few days out of the hospital and you definitely could’ve been worse off.

[you]: im okay!!!

[you]: sore and tired honestly

[birdboy]: :^(

[birdboy]: i'm glad to hear its not worse at least

[birdboy]: ill send u lots more embarrassing photos

[birdboy]: a million angel

[you]: my hero <3

It all was surreal and mentally impossible to avoid.

You really, really liked Hawks and had for a long while.

...

Keigo spent most of the rest of the day busy with patrols and work for the Commission, much to his chagrin. He hardly got a chance to text you. It reminded him of his reality as a pro, his fast-paced nature and how he truly couldn’t slow down, not at that point anyway. He had a brand and habitual way of being that was standard. Even for you, he wasn’t sure if he could slow down, even if he wanted to or needed to.

The idea scared him, pieces of his reality.

But, at the same time, Keigo hadn’t ever felt like this before. The weird, but incredibly alluring and comfortable heat in his chest made him feel like he’d do anything for you. Fuck, he’d fly to the stars and move them if he could, if that’s what it took.

Maybe he even wanted to.

Keigo couldn’t become a different person, for anyone, that’s not how things worked. But if getting closer to you meant... adjusting, he could do that. Easily. He was adaptable as all hell and he’d be glad to use it for something that made him feel good instead of hollow.

Keigo busily flew the day away. As the afternoon turned to night, the sky going pink and purple with dusk, he settled on top of a taller office building. It looked down on a street market, its smells and sounds wafting up to him on his perch.

It gave him an idea.

A good one.

You were inspecting your fridge with a grimace. Balancing on your crutches and being counter-weighed by the boot on your foot made your angry stance a whole lot less intimidating, but it was the sentiment that counted.

Several days post-hospital had done a number on your food supply. The fridge was empty except for a few nearly expired items and condiments. The dry shelves weren’t looking much better.

The shrill sound of your ringtone from the couch made your jump, nearly falling. You teetered back over to it, eye-widening at the caller ID.

[birdboy] calling...

Hawks had never called you before.

You quickly picked up the call, “...Hello?”

“Hey, angel!” Hawks was chipper on the other line. “What’re you up to?”

“Currently?” You hummed, turning forlornly to your kitchen. “Thinking about how I either need to order groceries or order dinner before committing to my couch for the rest of the night. Why? You don’t usually call.”

“I don’t,” Hawks’s smile was apparent in his voice, even through the receiver. “But, I had an idea.”

“Shoot.”

“I might just be near a super good takeout spot. How hard would it be for me to convince you to let me drop some food by your place? My treat.”

You didn’t reply for a second.

Stunned.

“Are you sure?”

“More than, dove. I’m off the rest of the night, anyways.”

Oh.

That gave you an idea—

An idea that would surely push the envelope of your feelings.

Let it.

“Okay, I’m in. One condition.” You bit your lip, willing your stomach to seize fluttering.

“You name it. This place is really good and—”

“I have been going a little stir crazy, and,” You cut him off, squeezing your eyes shut in anticipation, “how hard would it be to convince you to come over and stay awhile?”

Hawks was silent.

Your stomach dropped.

“Wait, I-I mean—” You stuttered, trying to gather yourself, but this time Hawks cut you off.

“Like, to hang out?” Hawks sounded shocked on the other line.

“Yes.”

You kept your breathing even and prayed it didn’t read over the call.

“God, dove. I’d love to. I can be over in like ten—”

“Wait,” You fisted the fabric of your sweats. “Can I have a little more time? For myself and my apartment.”

Hawks chuckled on the other end of the line, “Sure, angel. Thirty sound better?”

You let out a sigh of relief, falling on to the back of your couch, “Sounds perfect.”

Keigo decided to tease a bit, his heart pounding in his chest almost painfully. He knew from day one that you were bold, but this was a treat. He had to spare back, just a little.

“Though, dove, I’m sure you look more than perfect yourself. You always do.” He didn’t wait for your response, either out of fear of what you’d say or being a bit smug, he wasn’t sure.

Keigo hung up the call, burying his face in his gloves to try and stifle the blush on his cheeks, though it hardly helped.

It didn’t have to.

|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||

Thirty minutes later and you were mostly sorted.

You managed to throw yourself into the shower, tossing on something half-way decent, but still comfortable. Had to keep it casual.

Crutching around your apartment, you picked up what clutter you could, mind spinning. Hawks coming over to your fucking apartment filled you with elated, and yet terrifying, anxiety. A few times while cleaning, you legitimately paused to muffle quiet screams in your hand at the prospect.

You felt like you were going to burst.

Keigo did too, notably.

He took the time to fly all the way back to his apartment, take the world’s fastest shower, and throw on some clothes other than his costume. Going back to get food, his hands shook as he handed the bills to the starry-eyed vendor who he’d just written an autograph for.

You’d sent a quick text just before he’d left with a description of your balcony, so neither of you would have to figure out how to let him in through the roof.

As he flew to your place, Keigo felt like he was going to implode.

He didn’t ‘hang out’ with people. Nope, far too busy for anything like that. He was a compulsory workaholic, it was part of his mental brand of being (or, mental ‘branding’, maybe). The closest he got to casual time with folks was the preamble before a hookup or the time he had spent at the tea shop with you. Actually going to spend time with someone, casually, and it was you? It was all new and terrifying.

But, above all? Exciting.

The whole situation opened many doors, all of which Keigo pictured and picked apart as he neared your apartment. There were so many potential situations to appraise and plan for, he felt overwhelmed by it all.

The opportunity to spend some... time with you outside of the tea shop was a necessity, right? Keigo’s original idea had been to drop off some food and banter for a while, but the idea of spending one of his precious nights off with you was so much better than he could’ve expected.

Not to mention the warm bit of validation sparked by the fact that you asked him to come over, you wanted him around —

It felt nice.

So nice.

You paused, hearing telltale scuffing of someone on your balcony.

Oh my god.

He’s here.

Hawks is here.

You gulped, shaking your head.

Don’t you dare chicken out now. Commit, dammit. You’re just... hanging out. With your friend.

Yeah.

A knock on the glass pulled you to the door of your balcony, hobbling to slide it open on your crutches.

Hawks was happy to push the door the rest of the way open, stepping inside with a bag of takeout slung on his arm.

Your mouth parched, seeing him once again in civilian clothing. Was it... normal to get turned on by the fact that he looked normal?

As Hawks stepped into your humble apartment, wings tucked tightly to his back, you drank him in, hair ruffled with his clear visor placed on top of his head to push back the windswept front pieces. He wore a white sweater and black trousers complete with heavy black boots that were quickly untied and left by the door.

“You’re staring, you know,” Hawks interrupted your thoughts as you straightened up on your crutches.

Recover.

“Can’t prove that,” You tutted, crutching away from the door. “Also, welcome. Watch out for my cats, they might try to get a mouthful of your feathers.”

“Duly noted,” Hawks clicked his tongue, standing up and following you as you meander to the kitchen.

Keigo had to admit that your apartment was relatively... cute. He was used to his own, seldom-used digs. He had a big, uncomfortably nice penthouse with too many disused rooms and too much open space. Fixtures and furniture that were too expensive, probably, but it had been far easier to hire some big-name interior designer and not bother with dealing with it himself. Keigo had trouble keeping many ‘personal’ possessions, anyways. His training with the Commission made him almost revile the thought of keeping unnecessary, material objects, sans a few.

Your home was the exact opposite.

Maybe it was that he didn’t know how to have a personal touch that it made your cozy little apartment feel so full of them.

Little photos and artworks on walls or in frames caught Keigo’s eyes as he followed you to the kitchen. He took note of several blankets on the couch, catching sight of the plushie he’d given you at the hospital. Even the lighting of the apartment was personal, diffuse. With how easily overstimulated you became, it made sense that you’d keep your apartment so ambiently dim.

“So, first off, thank you for coming by and delivering dinner. I am eternally grateful,” You bowed dramatically, leaning to flail out a crutch at the motion. “Second, as payment, I’ll make you a drink. Maybe not with my quirk, but I have some of my old tea blends here.”

“It’s the least I could do,” Keigo shrugged, setting the takeout down on the counter while his ever-present grin nearly hurt his face from how relentless it was. “And tea? Show me what you’ve got. Or, should I trust you to pick one out for me?”

You hummed, clicking your tongue before moving across the kitchen to a different set of cabinets, “I think I’ve actually got a good one for you. It’s one of my favorites.”

“Lay on the details, angel,” Keigo hummed, leaning against the lip of the counter.

You did have the perfect blend in mind. It wasn’t too old, hardly stale. It would pair as well as a nice tea could with fried takeout, judging by the smells wafting from the bag on the counter.

“It’s one I made for a brunch we catered a few months back. It’s just a white tea raspberry blend, but it’s not delicate. It should stand up to any sort of food you’ve brought. Thank you, by the way.”

Setting your crutches down, you started to push yourself up onto the counter without thinking much of it, booted-foot going limp off the edge.

“Of course, anytime— woah, angel,” His voice choked as you wavered on the edge of the counter, off-balance.

There was a short flap of wings and rush of air as you tried to rebalance, cursing the deadweight of your leg.

If Hawks hadn’t been directly behind you, you probably would’ve eaten shit.

You turned yourself as far as you could, cheeks going hot.

Hawks’ face was just inches away from yours. That was even to mention the hands hovering around your waist, chest brushing up against your back.

“S-sorry,” Did he just fucking stutter? “You looked like you were about to eat shit there.”

The words hardly reach you, you were too busy actively telling yourself not to stare at his pretty, plump lips because that is not something friends do. Not the can of worms you needed to open, right?

“I-,” You turned away from him, stretching up to the tea tin that had been out of your reach. “To think you’ve saved me from falling while reaching for loose leaf tea, twice.”

“All in a day's work,” His hands twitched around your sides but hardly shifted until you began to descend from the countertop. In fact, Hawks hardly moved away at all until you were situated back on your crutches.

You pretended not to notice the flush on his cheeks.

Maybe, it was a bit too close. Definitely too close, and bad circumstances, but god, you wanted more and more of him.

You swallowed your desires down, cracking a smile.

Be normal.

Be cool!

You shook the tin, leaves and dried fruit rattling inside, “So, cream or sugar?”

||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||

The two of you ended up on the couch, picking through the several boxes of takeout that Hawks had brought. Most of dinner was spent bantering back and forth about one of Hawks’ newest modeling contracts and if it was ‘ethical’ for him to wear his own feathers for the sake of ‘fashion’?

“So, off-topic from insulting my employment ethics, ” Hawks spoke while munching on a piece of chicken. “You surviving?”

“Barely,” You laughed, setting down your utensils with a huff. “I forget how isolation makes you go a little crazy. I’m running out of dumb shit to watch and even dumber shit to send you.”

Hawks snorted, setting down his own box, having had his fill, “I know you are more than adept at combing the internet for more good shit to send me.”

“I mean, maybe, but you keep sending me juicy photos of you being a dumbass. They’re hard to show up, you know?” You side-eyed him at the birdish tilt of his head.

“You don’t need to show me up, angel,” Hawks reminded you, some feathers packing up what was left of the food. “Though, it’s fun. You’re fun.”

You internally winced at the sentiment but forced the smile on your face not to waver.

It was a needed reminder.

This close to Hawks, you could fucking smell him. Maybe it was a little creepy, but you remembered it so well, after the villain attack. The scent of some sort of spicy cologne and old sweat, but it was hardly unpleasant. No, it was intoxicating. It made you feel almost fuzzy, as it wafted around like some reminder that Hawks and you were so close.

You thanked the stars that the apartment lacked the stimuli to make your quirk activate on its own.

Your couch wasn’t very large, and it seemed even smaller with how Hawks had laid his wings over it. They were propped up over the back, outstretched just the smallest bit to relieve some pressure. All the same, the massive feathers made you feel minuscule.

Even the way he was sitting was intoxicating and a bit gut-wrenching. It was casual, the way he leaned back against the far cushions, legs somewhat spread with an ankle over the opposite knee. The pose oozed a weird, untouchable confidence that you hadn’t seen in Hawks in months, maybe ever. At least, not directed at you.

Despite the warm nature of his words, he seemed guarded.

It made your throat dry.

Keigo was quite on edge. He hadn’t meant to get so close in the kitchen, really, he hadn’t. But, seeing you dangling off the edge of the counter like that, even if it was harmless and mundane, made his entire body and mind react before he could think.

But, you weren’t in any danger. Even if you had been, Keigo would’ve been there to catch you.

He’d put himself out of it, overthinking the whole thing. You were fine. Safe.

The other part of his mind spun with how he wanted to be so much closer.

Feeling the warmth of your body, the lines of your waist, the thrum of your heart and breath so fucking close—

It was a lot.

But, he was well-trained and not going to choke.

He’d shoved himself to the opposite side of the couch to you, keeping his boundaries up, strong as steel and hard as carbon.

Of course, Keigo knew the feelings were mutual. That didn’t mean that none of this was terrifying in the same way that it was exhilarating.

As much as he wanted to be closer (so much closer), Keigo remained careful. The last thing in the world he wanted to do was ruin something before it had even truly happened.

You sat back against the couch, repositioning your injured leg on the coffee table, “So, thoughts.”

“On?”

You didn’t look at Keigo as you replied, rather glared at your TV, “What to watch?”

“Oh,” You could hear the smile in his voice. “We’re watching something?”

“You tell me. I imagine you don’t get lots of time to do this sort of thing, do you?”

Hawks didn’t reply for a moment, sitting deeper into the couch, “Not really.”

“Then indulge, tailfeathers,” You tossed the remote in his lap. “Anything, go for it. Go nuts.”

Hawks nearly put on watching a reality cooking show, before you said that that was off-limits, per an odd conversation from way back when where he had admitted to be hot for Gordon Ramsey. He had been a little too vague as to whether or not he would pop a boner from Gordon’s filmed degradations. And truthfully, if anything was gonna give Hawks a hard-on tonight, you were determined for it not to be competitive cooking TV. Maybe, just maybe, you’d rather it be you.

...

Eventually, he settled on some psychological thriller you’d never heard of.

Keigo hadn’t either.

He was glad that you couldn’t hear his heart in the same way he heard your’s pounding.

Out of the corner of his eye, he watched you crutch around, turning the already dim lights lower.

Calm the down, Hawks.

Calm the fuck down.

He’d never even done this before. Keigo wasn’t sure how to handle the situation, even if it was as simple as watching a film.

It would’ve been simpler if the tension in the air was thick and foggy, clouding over his consciousness as he tried to focus on anything other than your nearness and how much he wanted to drag you into his lap.

…

His feathers fluttered as you plopped back onto the couch, pulling a blanket over your lap and offering one to him.

He took it, settling it over his lap as the movie went on.

You weren’t an idiot. You could feel the blood rushing in your hot ears as you fisted the blanket over your legs.

Your mind spoke a lot louder than you wanted it to:

Just fucking do it.

Do what exactly?

The paramount thought that was causing anxiety to twirl in your gut.

Maybe, you could just tell him how you felt.

Maybe just hold his hand.

Maybe get fucking rejected because he’s out of your league and out of bounds.

Maybe even kiss him—

You were torturing yourself, the movie just background noise to your internal dilemma.

You’d asked him to your apartment and Hawks had bought you fucking dinner. That wasn’t a lot, sure, maybe, but there were also the months of lead-up.

There were all of the cold mornings and cheeky grins you gave each other in the waking coffee shop. There were the fuzzy jokes, the lingering glances, and the tight feeling you got in your chest whenever he graced you with mere eye contact.

It felt like you were already in too deep to not be honest about how you felt towards him. Fuck, you’d been in too deep for months. Every time you made him a damn drink, you wanted to just drink him in. You were all fluttering hearts and sweet smiles for him in a way that you couldn’t suppress, only squash in moments of such intense anxiety like this—

“Hey, dove?” It was Hawks, shocking you from your turmoil with a soft voice. “Are you alright?”

“Y-yeah, I’m good.” Your reply was curt and clipped.

Make a decision now.

Pull the bandage off, (Y/N).

It’ll just be worse, the longer you wait.

Maybe Hawks did just want to fuck with some cute feelings, the seemingly longing looks be damned. Yeah, you liked him way more than for just a fuck, that was obvious and unavoidable. Besides, it’d be better to know than to not know, right?

“You sure? If the movie’s too much, we can turn it off,” Hawks sounded genuinely concerned from the other side of the couch.

...

You committed, taking a deep breath and turning to Hawks.

“It’s not that,” You looked at the couch between the two of you, tracing the seam of the cushion. “The movie’s fine.”

“Then, you’re not feeling great for another reason?” Keigo asked, feeling each of your breaths and heartbeats like bass drums in his ears. He hides the shaking of his hands by crossing them over his chest. “You can talk to me, (Y/N).”

“Can I?” You asked, shaking your head and laughing at yourself. “Hawks, I need to do something really fucking stupid.”

Holy fuck.

Are they—

“What’s that?”

His voice was smaller than he wanted it to be.

“Fuck, Hawks,” You finally forced yourself to look at him, taking in his guarded posture and pained expression.

Your heart sank.

“I just need to be honest with you.”

Hawks’s brow soured, lips twitching, “Go for it, dove.”

You laughed, maybe trying to soothe yourself, “It’s probably is just, so fucking stupid, all things considered.”

You ran a hand through your hair, biting your lip between sentences and willing yourself to just get it out—

“Hawks, I like you. A lot.”

He still didn’t say anything and you could feel shards of your heart drive into your lungs.

You forced yourself to look up at him, smiling with the slight release of tension in your sternum, however painful.

“I know, we’re just friends, right? I’m just the barista and you’re my special, pro hero regular. I know I’m overstepping right now, but it feels unfair for me to not be honest with you.”

Keigo already knew this, right? He knew how you felt, fuck, he’d felt how you felt. He just wasn’t prepared for the exploding and thrumming in his chest when you told him with your sweet lips and kind words.

Why did it feel so different when you were smiling at him like you were in pain and telling him so fucking honestly with your words?

It was the thing about you that he admired the most, that candor in your tone and the grin in your cheeks as you spoke so.

But, your smile was falling, leaving watery-looking eyes.

“Hawks, I like you. Way too much for friends, and I needed to say something.”

Keigo’s mouth was dry.

For the first time in so fucking long, he was genuinely speechless.

He couldn’t recall a time in his life anyone had spoken so earnestly to him, just you. Just you, you, you— casually, over and over again, you talked to him like he was something real and something to be cared for. It was subtle, but it was one of the many things that made him want you closer.

Yet, despite all his bundled up desires, he was lost for words.

“I’m sorry—”

He stopped you, “(Y/N), please don’t apologize.”

“But—”

“(Y/N).”

Hawks’ voice was sharp. It made the expression on your face rapidly fall.

He looked at you with rapt attention, arms uncrossing from his chest.

He turned to you on the couch, feathers fluffed up and twitching.

Your nose stung as Hawks, all pretty golds and ambers, shook out an exhale and balled up the blanket in his lap.

“Hawks—”

“Why would you need to be sorry?”

Hawks looked at you with wide eyes, brow creased. His shoulders were... shaking?

Your head spun, leg aching, “... What do you mean?”

Hawks finally met your gaze, giving you the sweetest, saddest smile you’d ever seen, “Dove, you’re acting like there’s no way I could feel the same way.”

Every cell in your body stuttered.

“You’ve done it since we’ve met.”

Hawks scooted closer on the cushions of the couch.

“You’ve always acted like there’s just no way I could like you, give a shit about you—”

He moved a bit closer.

You couldn’t make yourself move.

“You want to know the truth?”

You creaked out a nod.

Keigo couldn’t help the way he went to cup your cheeks in his hands, thumbs rubbing along the apples of your cheeks. You lean into his touch, just like at the hospital, despite the blend of absolute fear and confusion in your expression.

“How could I not care about you, dove?” And it finally came out. “I care about so much— dove, I don’t know what to fucking say.”

That made you speechless, lips parting just the slightest bit as Hawks continued, losing composure with his morphing expressions.

He wet his lips, swallowing, “Dove, I’ve never—any of this. I-I don’t know what o-or how to say any of what I want to right now.”

You speak before thinking.

“Show me, if you don’t know how to say it.”

The idea seemed so novel as Keigo ran a thumb over your bottom lip, pulling it from between your teeth. He met your gaze with the gooiest, sweetest look you’d ever seen in your life, “You want me to?”

“Please.”

It was all the two of you had wanted for a while now, right?

“If I kiss you, I’m not ever gonna be able to make this go away, am I?” Keigo was speaking to himself, just above his breath. But, you were more than close enough to hear him.

“Hey, Hawks? I don’t know if we can make ‘this’ try to go away.” You grabbed one of the hands cupping your face, pulling it away, only to shakily press in your lips to the bones on the back of it. “I don’t want to anymore.”

“Y-you gotta stop being so sweet, (Y/N)—”

Neither of you could wait a moment longer.

Your arms wrapped around Keigo’s shoulder. In the same motions, he pulled you closer by your waist, dragging you finally closer to him.

He held your jaw like you were the most precious thing in the world. Because, truthfully, you were to him. The sentiment was shared Deeply.

Your lips pressed together and the long-held tensions in your chests mutually shattered, dissolving in the honeyed touch of each other’s genuine attention.

You angled your head perfectly, Keigo’s hand guiding you as his mouth worked against yours. It wasn’t a particularly steamy sort of affair, but by god, it wasn’t in any way chaste. Not with the tight grip and thumbing on your ribs. Not with the way your hands tangled in the soft (holy fuck, soft) hair at the base of Keigo’s skull.

You both tasted each other's sweetness, craving more of it after denying yourselves of it for so long. It was white-hot, exploding behind your eyes, even as your quirk remained dormant. Keigo was honey and cream and smoked spices all dancing across your palette.

To Keigo? You were sweet, cool water over a hot burn. You were the heat of a hearth rolling over him on the coldest of days. He swears that in the first moments he finally got to be close to you, and over and over again— he finally understood how your quirk worked.

There was no way that finally feeling you, feeling you as he felt you, could be described with just five senses.

You pulled away first, gasping for breath and arching your back into him. You lingered as close as you could, pressing your forehead to Keigo’s while your breaths mingled. You didn’t dare stray far.

“Was that enough to show you?” Keigo asked, breathless. He kept a wide hand against your back, urging you with a bit of soft pressure to put your weight into it. You complied, settling in his hold as Keigo stroked at your hot cheeks.

You nodded, beaming up at him with that sunny smile of yours. It never failed to make heat burn through Keigo and god, did it feel good to finally let it unabashed.

“I take it, you like me too, huh,” You smiled, looking a bit embarrassed.

“Very much, very much,” Keigo repeated, pressing a kiss to your nose (he’d always wanted to do that). “So much, (Y/N). I apologize for not saying anything sooner. This is just...”

“New to you, right?” You finished his sentence, thumbing along the back of his neck in a way that made Keigo just melt. “It’s been a while for me too, if it makes you feel better.”

“It does, dove. Thank you.” Keigo let out a deep breath, shaking his head against yours. “I’m sorry I didn’t say anything sooner.”

“It’s alright, same goes for me,” As much as you needed to adjust due to the angle of your recovering leg, you couldn’t make yourself do it. You were so wonderfully close to Hawks, you never wanted to move.

“If we’re being honest, then I need to be honest with you,” Hawks met your eyes, his expression going a little dimmer.

You braced for the worst.

He picked up your shift easily, finally able to express how quickly he caught your mood after so long of being attuned to it.

“Oh wait, no, (Y/N), nothing terrible, I promise,” Hawks rubbed at your sides. “It’s about the miel.”

“The... miel?” You cocked your head to the side, confused, recalling the drink somewhat hazily. “The drink I made you on the day of... the attack?”

Hawks gave you a tense smile, “That one, yeah. Remember how you said it was just based on your ambient feelings?”

“Uh-huh.” You let confusion lace your tone until it slowly started to dawn on you.

“You made the drink, ambiently, around me—”

Your eyes widened, mouth falling open, “Oh my god, Hawks, did my feelings for you get in the drink?”

Hawks graced you with a sweet, sympathetic smile, fingers tucking at the hair around your ear, “They did, dove. I’ve kind of known for a few days, it just hasn’t been the time or setting to say something. I apologize.”

“N-no, it’s okay, I totally understand,” You sighed into his grip. “I really thought it might be something worse.”

“Consider your worries assuaged,” Hawks hummed, eyes drifting to your boot. He deadpanned suddenly. “On a scale of one to ten, how bad does your leg hurt right now?”

Fairly bad, considering. You were half on your knees, the booted leg twisted awkwardly while still raised to the coffee table. This wasn’t even to mention the arch of your back so you could be all that closer to Hawks.

The pain of the position was easy to forget; you were still shaking from kissing Hawks just once.

“Uh, maybe like a seven, once I can feel anything other than how good you felt just now,” you hummed, grinning up at Hawks as his face went bright red.

The infinite pleasure you received, making him blush so sweetly.

He shook it off, squeezing your sides, “Cute. Very cute. Mutually returned sentiment, but let’s adjust.”

You nodded but didn’t have much time to react as a bundle of Hawks’s feathers lifted you every which way, albeit incredibly gently. All said and done, he was fully upright against the back of the couch. With the support of a feather or two, Hawks’s arms tugged you into his lap. Your legs stretched to the side, the booted one immediately propped up by a feather-supplied pillow.

You both settled yourselves, blushing and leaning on each other now that you finally were allowing yourself to.

Keigo fully wrapped his arms around you, pulling you tight against him. One of his wings even shifted to drape over one his shoulder, sheltering the two of you in a canopy of a crimson. Keigo let his hands wander over your hips, not seeking anything more than blessed attention and heat. You gave it all to him, tucking your face into his collarbone, drowning in the scent that made you feel at home.

Keigo pressed his lips to your crown and legitimately shuddering.

He spoke to himself, so faintly and quietly, you hardly caught it, “I’ve wanted to do this for so long.”

There was melancholy in his voice, but you were quick to strip it away.

You brushed your lips along his jaw, savoring the way he held you tighter, “I have too. Can we do this more?”

“Anytime, dove. Anytime.”

“Right now sound good?”

You withdrew to beam up at him as you were so good at doing, only to be smothered by craving-satiating kisses anywhere Keigo could get to. The sweet, high laughter that he dripped onto you made your heart burst all over again.

And you finally, finally fell into the other sweetly, warmly, and properly.

||||||||||||||||||

taglist: @thepandapopo @hawksexual @sinclairsamess @darcia22 @inhalingsoysauce @yee-fxcking-haw

#salem writes #lavender latte #hawks x reader #hawks x y/n #hawks x you #takami keigo x reader #takami keigo x you #takami keigo x y/n #mha reader insert #hawks reader insert #hawks #takami keigo #hawks mha #hawks bnha #im soft for this one yall #so soft

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tundrainafrica · 3 years

Text

Title: A Tale of Two Slaves (17/17)

Summary: “Soulmates don’t exist. Fate doesn’t exist. Everything is a choice.” At that moment, Levi could only watch as she made the choice for him.“

Reincarnation AU. Levi remembers everything from their past life. Hange doesn’t.

Other Chapters: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16

Link to cross-postings: AO3

The most difficult part for Levi was picking the best place to read.

His first choice was the oval. It was almost summer though and Levi was familiar enough with the timeline to know training must have started already. The last thing he wanted to do was run into old teammates and be forced to maintain some inkling of a conversation.

His second choice was the library. And it wasn’t a bad choice. For a while, Levi had settled on one of the desks at the corner of the library, far from cramming students or students looking for a convenient place to cool off. Seats on the corner didn’t have wide windows though and the artificial light and the artificial chill of the room had turned out to be distracting.

It was only a few pages in did Levi realize, he would have preferred some green around him and the heat of late spring wasn’t so bad. He started to wonder why he had even considered reading indoors in the first place.

He had ended up wasting a good fifteen minutes only to fall back to where he had parted ways with Hange anyway.

In front of the science building.

Hange was inside one of the empty classrooms defending her final thesis. Levi sat on one of the benches to the corner of the building, closing his eyes tight as if that would have been enough to make out the voices inside the building.

Others came to watch and he was sure of that. He had seen Erwin on the way in. Nanaba and Mike had waved at him, asking if he’d be coming inside.

Levi decided against it long before and maybe Hange would have preferred it that way too. After all, she must have left him that particular manuscript before entering the building for a reason. He read the title page, neatly printed in a very much readable and professional font.

Although it had looked like one with the thick cover and the hard binding, as soon as Levi opened the first page, the small title on the upper left had him speechless yet very much convinced.

It wasn’t her thesis manuscript.

To: Captain Levi

Captain Levi. How long had it been since he heard that name and that title? Hange had called him that months before. He had remembered writing about him. The words on the page, Hange's voice, Kuchel’s voice and his own voice all mentioning those same two words in succession had happened, he was sure of that much.

The circumstances though with each memory had blurred into each other one by one and he liked to attribute it to his hermit tendencies the succeeding months after his injury.

Life had been different since then. He had gone back to face to face classes. He had been working on his thesis. Hange had been working on her own thesis too. And they were both just too busy trying to graduate on time given the chaos of the first semester.

He stared at the title page for a few more seconds pondering that chaos, possibly trying to reach for something behind that haze to no avail. The only thing he was able to grasp then had been a bout of nostalgia.

And the nostalgia was more than enough to get him in the mood to read. He chalked up the small stint in the library to a test run and started again from the beginning.

Hange Zoe was born to a rich family within the Walls of Wall Sina…

Hange had taken great pains to describe everything from the cobblestone streets to the crystal-like bricks that lined the walls of the elegant buildings. The bricks shone with a unique glint and that alone had been enough for Hange to waste one paragraph on it.

She then used up another few paragraphs talking about the stifling life within the walls and her own curious nature.

If there’s something you don’t understand, go out and learn to understand it.

Living within the walls wasn’t in her nature so she ran away. She joined the survey corps. She was drawn to the outside world, drawn to titans.

So she became a researcher.

Levi didn’t notice it at first. Although his brain had been able to partition those few early events on the timeline, eventually the words started to shift, blur into one another and he found himself scanning through the paragraphs much quicker than usual.

He knew that much about squad leader Hange Zoe. He knew she hyper fixated on titans. He didn’t need vivid descriptions of Sonny and Bean nor did he need detailed descriptions of the outside world, the guns, the war or even her theories on the rumbling.

She had already told him everything then in the forest. She had told it to him back then in the office. Before he even knew it himself, he was flipping through the pages much faster. Suddenly his mind was pushing him to look out for certain things as he read.

There was something else he was looking for, between the lines of the descriptive narrations of Hange Zoe’s life.

“Maybe we should just live here together right Levi?”

Levi found the quote three pages before the back cover, towards the upper left of the page. He found himself running his left hand up to the corner of the page, slipping that corner between his two fingers, pressing on the ink on paper, just to make sure it wouldn’t so easily smudge with touch. Maybe it might even disappear like some sort of an illusion.

He just had to make sure it was real.

Hange’s exposition on sceneries was exhaustive. They were clear and vivid and they covered everything to the most granular bits of the large painting in his mind. If Levi closed his eyes, he was sure he would see the forest then.

Although Hange’s descriptions were detailed, comprehensive, enough to paint easy pictures in his head, they were far from introspective.

She had taken great pains to describe the darkness, the crackling campfire and the rough gashes of his face but she didn’t talk much about how it felt. Maybe it was up to the reader to contemplate them.

So Levi filled in the blanks, he filled the spaces between the lines with emotions, musings, ponderings. He couldn’t be too sure yet whether they were his or hers though, so he trudged on aimlessly as he read.

Everything happened in fast forward from there. Although Hange never left his side when she could, she was still fighting, suddenly she was strategizing.

Of course she would, she was a commander. He was just an injured soldier.

There was another quote, towards the last page on the upper right and Levi found himself running his pointer finger through it and he pressed on it hard, hard enough to crumple the pages of that corner. He ran his nail through it leaving a noticeable crease before he closed the binder and took a deep breath.

Dedicate your heart.

Just like every other page, there was no introspection into the character that made Hange Zoe, only words, more words then vivid descriptions of everything that happened after.

He didn’t need white spaces between the lines to figure it out for himself. Even if the pages had all been black, save for the words and the emotions they evoked, he felt it then like a weight.

But he shook it off, opened the book once again and continued to read.

Hange flew up. She fought titan after titan. And the fight had ended with her burning up in the air with the one last quote below.

“Titans really are incredible.”

Levi had half the mind to close the book again there, except that time, with no intention of reopening it. If he didn’t hyper fixate on that last sentence towards the end of the page, towards Commander Hange Zoe’s last words, maybe he wouldn’t have noticed the faded grey at the back of the last paragraph.

It was particularly noticeable on the white, between the lines of paragraphs. Once again Levi played with the creases just to make sure he hadn’t missed it. It was the last page, he was sure.

There was something written on the other side of the page. As much as it had ached to read on, Levi willed himself to flip the page.

It was empty, a blank white page. Fortunately, Levi was desperate enough to stare at it a little longer and he soon realized, he was focused on the center, somehow he had expected to find some sort of resolution there.

Hange had left the last line towards the upper left corner.

See you later Hange. Watch over us. Next to it was a shabbily drawn airplane and unlike all the other pages, it was smudged. The ink had blotted, sending light streaks of gray towards the right in such a predictable manner, Levi could almost imagine the way she had held the crease of the corner between her finger tips.

Once again, he shifted the weight of the page, moving his thumb and his pointer to that corner, reproducing the motions of how she must have messed up something so simple. It was easy to imagine and Levi found himself smiling.

Below it, towards the lower part of the page, he saw it. It was written with the same gel pen that bled through the other side of the page.

There were so many things I wanted to tell you but I never got the chance.

“Then why didn’t you say it? You had ten pages to say it.” Hell, you had five years to say it.

The next line read as if Hange had already predicted what he was going to say next.

I was the commander. You were the captain. We had a war to fight.

But you know, I thought when everything ends, once we retire I could let you know.

In a moment of dissonance, Levi started to wonder who those words were for. For all he knew, he could have been telling her the same thing.

Even if you don’t remember, I hope you at least felt it.

Please remember. Even if I wasn’t able to tell you anything, even if I couldn’t stay by your side.

I was watching you until the end.

Commander Hange Zoe

“Commander Hange Zoe,” Levi said it out loud a second time. Those words were ambrosia to his lips and he probably mouthed it a few more times as he stared at the blue sky above him.

Levi let his shoulders fall and he looked back down at the binder. He didn’t even notice he had closed it. “There were so many things I wanted to tell you too.”

You said it already. Commander Hange heard you. The answer came as a whisper. A quiet whisper that blew into his ear, caressing his neck.

And it had him jumping on his seat. “What the fuck Hange.”

“Are you done being sad already?”

“Why would I be sad?”

“Because Commander Hange Zoe died and you were staring at the sky like this for a good few minutes.” Hange let her head fall back playfully and Levi could have sworn he didn’t look like that. When she looked back at him a second later, she gave a knowing smile, an almost mocking smile.

That was enough to get Levi a little abrasive. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I was watching you,” Hange said. “You looked like you were concentrating so…”

“I was.”

“So I didn’t wanna bother you.”

“You could have announced your presence like a normal person at least, maybe drop a greeting?”

“I had to look for you and you weren’t answering your phone then I got impatient.” Hange seemed unperturbed. “Come on, I’m treating you guys out to dinner.”

Levi opened his phone to see an hour had passed since he last checked the time and beneath it five missed calls, all from Hange. On the upper right of his phone, the silent mode sign flashed like some sort of reminder. “I was in the library so I had to put my phone on silent.” Those words in defense of his actions were instinctive. Soon, as Hange looked back gesturing for him to follow her, he started to realize that maybe that defense was useless.

“Okay Levi,” Hange said. Her tone was reminiscent of a know-it-all. Her pace was insultingly slow. Levi found himself angrily quickening his pace to catch up to her.

Hange’s pace was at least slow enough that even with his recovering leg, he found it easy to catch up. The moment Levi walked past her, he felt familiar arms on his shoulder. They weighed on him and in a way, they had prevented him from overtaking her.

He had no intention of doing so anyway. “How was your defense?” Levi asked. It was an easy question to start with.

“Better late than never but I’m getting a diploma.”

“Late? You’re graduating with all of us.”

“I’m the last one among my batchmates who presented.”

“Believe me, I’m more amazed that you managed to get something out even after redoing your thesis three times.”

“I should thank Kuchel, it was her sources which got me here. I’ll probably send her a copy of my thesis as a thank you. You think she’ll appreciate that?”

“She probably will. Something to help her pass the time when she goes on leave.”

“Leave?”

“In our last session, she told me she’s expecting.”

“Oooh? A baby?”

“She ended up opening up to me about it after our session. She was pretty nervous about having a child for a while and recently, she managed to get over that fear.”

“I guess we all had something to deal with…” Hange said as she pulled him towards the gate. “You think we’ll get to meet the kid one day. I’d love to see Kuchel as a mother.”

“She’ll be a great mother…” Somehow, Levi knew it. He only had to look back at her words, her refined tone and the way she easily shifted between professional and motherly to be almost jealous of the child growing in her womb.

Hange gave him a toothy grin. “Let’s visit her together?”

“Why not?”

The conversation died as they turned the corner of one of the buildings along the path, a corner that opened up to a large courtyard and beyond it the gate of their university.

“Wait, where are we going?” Levi asked,

“I told you, I’m treating you guys out.” Hange answered matter-of-factly.

“Where Hange?”

“We’re having grilled meat.”

“Hange? For the third time… Where?” Levi asked.

It wasn’t Hange who had ended up answering the question. By the gate, Moblit and Nifa were waiting and they looked like they had been waiting a while. Nifa was tapping her feet impatiently while Moblit had seemed genuinely concerned.

“You guys okay? You looked like you were fighting,” Moblit said as he approached them.

“Where are we eating?” Levi asked.

“The Korean grill just a few blocks away.” Moblit said.

Levi didn’t need any more clarification from there. They were all from the same university and the restaurants around the area were a common language among them.

“That’s how you answer a question Hange,” Levi muttered coldly.

“Well, I didn’t think the location was important. I was leading you there already anyway,” Hange responding mirroring that same cold tone with her own. She went ahead and put one arm around Moblit muttering unintelligible words save for the quick congratulations at the start.

“Congratulations?” Levi asked.

“He got nominated for best thesis and everyone's pretty convinced he’s gonna win it,” Nifa answered. She had fallen back behind the two and matched Levi’s pace.

Moblit eventually raised his voice, loud enough for even Levi to hear. “No No… That was your data Hange and it was your idea. I wouldn’t have been able to do it without you.”

“Still…” Hange’s voice trailed off. She was far enough, her voice was garbled enough that with that few feet distance, her words were unintelligible. Her smile though was very much still perceptible, a genuine golden smile.

“Levi, you agree right?”

Levi looked towards the voice, Moblit’s voice. “Agree with what?”

“If Hange had submitted her thesis early, she could have won ri---.”

“Moblit, stop downplaying your nomination.” Hange interrupted, giving him a strong push n the back.

Moblit wobbled and held onto Hange’s shirt to keep his balance “But it was a good thesis right?” He asked as soon as he recovered. He looked at Levi expectantly.

It was only then did Levi realize, despite the five months together, he never really thought too much to ask what her thesis had been about. With his own hectic schedule, his physical therapy sessions, his sessions with Shela, maybe it just never peaked his interest. He was starting to feel guilty at such a reminder and before he knew it, he was finding excuses for it.

She spent a lot of the past few months cooped up in her room if not in class, save for the few moments when she would accompany to therapy sessions or to meet with Shela.

His thoughts flew back to the document she had shared with him.

To: Levi Ackerman.

And if that document was half as good as her thesis, he was sure she did well. So he returned Moblit’s approval with one of his own. “It was a good thesis,” Levi said. “But don’t downplay yours. You won fair and square.”

That was all there was to it. Hange didn’t win. But she didn’t seem to mind either. Hange had snuck what looked to be a grateful smile and she continued to playfully poke at Moblit then, probably whispering inside jokes, reminiscing about their life before.

Her mood was unwavering all the way until the restaurant

It turned out Mike and Nanaba were in the restaurant already and they only joined Hange at glomping Moblit for his nomination. The four childhood friends created a world of their own in the restaurant, a world full of inside jokes, long gone memories and maybe even discussions on future plans.

Levi deemed it appropriate to sit on a chair at the edge of their long table and just quietly listen.

Mike was selected for the national team.

Nanaba wanted to go back to minor league volleyball after college.

Moblit was going to medical school

And Nifa, who had joined their conversation then, was going to take masters.

Hange’s plans were either long-awaited or they were intentionally avoided. He couldn’t tell.

By the time the question came, it had come as a casual question by Moblit who had always been sensitive with the way he phrased things so his intention had been something Levi couldn’t read either.

Before Hange could open her mouth though, Nifa chimed in greeting. “Doctor Erwin!”

“Sorry I’m late. We were discussing the nominees,’ Erwin said.

And the topic shifted from there, even before Levi could get answers.

Erwin never spilled who the winner was, but it was apparent in his gaze that shifted to the side and the smile that curled up his lips that it was one of them. By the time Hange had started being too vocal about it, Erwin had spilled more than enough for the students to guess for themselves.

“You’re free anytime next week for an awarding ceremony right?” Erwin asked.

“Anytime sir! Thank you for this opportunity.”

Erwin shook his head. “You wrote a great thesis. It was well deserved. Will you be inviting Elijah?”

“I think I should treat him out, I’ve wasted a lot of his time this past year... He’s been pretty busy training with the national team though… But I’ll talk to him.”

Their long table was already a conglomerate of conversations and Levi struggled to keep up.

Somewhere between conversations, the charcoal had been added to the grills, the sides were served and Levi found himself listening intently to Erwin and Moblit’s exchange in particular while he played with the spinach on his plate.

Elijah swept the high jump. He swept the other events. He came out winning the Most Valuable Player Award for the High Jump. And he recently started training with the national team.

The Olympics isn’t a far off dream at this point. It’s probably just another step for him.

Moblit had shown up for the first training and he had started to describe Elijah’s skill with the bar then. His coordination with the take off food, his wide penultimate stride.

He was using lingo most track and field athletes wouldn’t have thought twice to use and Levi had used and heard them more times than he had counted through the years. Having not thought about high jumping in months, listening to such a conversation peppered with such words that used to be home for him, seemed surreal.

So surreal that for a second, Levi lost his grip on a reality. Enough to not have noticed the waitress who served the drink in front of him

It was a short and stout glass. The contents looked particularly ---almost dangerously--- colorful and the red stick on the side was enough for Levi to deduce what exactly it was. To confirm it, he took one sniff.

“Nanaba, why the hell did you order alcohol?” Hange asked.

“It’s a celebration right? We should be drinking. Cheers!” She raised her cup up to no one in particular.

Moblit and Nifa had been nice enough to join albeit a little uncomfortably. Levi found himself making eye contact with Erwin who was still slowly mixing the cup in front of him, seeming unsure of what exactly happened.

Hange seemed flustered. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m fine with us drinking but more people are coming and---”

“Sorry we’re late Hange!”

Armin? That was Armin’s voice. But it wasn’t just Armin, tailing behind him were several other very familiar people.

Armin continued. “None of us wanted to go alone…”

Of course none of them would want to go alone, they were high school students and around them were a group of college students and a college professor.

A group of high school students among college students. Levi noted. He eyed the cocktail glass in front of him then. Was that what Hange was worried about? Levi found himself downing his cup a little quicker.

“Blame Connie here, He was the one wasting his time on extra batting practice until god knows what time,” Jean said as he followed behind Armin.

“Shut up Jean. At least Armin didn’t have to cover my subway fee.”

“I just didn’t have change on me.”

“Calm down you two, you’re eating here for free.” Historia went in between the two, and walked up to Hange who had stood up to guide them to their seats. “I could pay for my share.”

“No, no. I set aside money for this. I just wanted to express my thanks for the past few months and I wanted to meet you guys again. I hope we can keep in touch even after...” Hange pulled Historia to the side and Levi couldn’t make out the rest of their conversation.

So he focused elsewhere.

“Is this… unlimited?” It was Sasha who spoke up that time. It was great timing that the moment Sasha had come in, the first plates of meat were starting to be served on the table. Expectedly, she had been the first one to sit and she started cooking on her end.

“Yes it is,” Levi answered

“No way… Right after a long day of training? Is this heaven…” Sasha could have been tearing up at that moment. She had been too focused on the meat so Levi couldn’t confirm it for himself but the crack on her voice had been evidence enough.

Hange squeezed herself among the high school students who had settled on the nearby seats. “No no… This is a thank you for helping me with my thesis. I got some good data from you guys so really, thank you for taking the time to fill out those forms and dealing with all my messages and calls,” Hange said.

“You didn’t have to. You did more than enough for us.” Jean sat in front of Levi towards the edge of the table. “You helped me fix my dunking position.”

“Ah Jean, you mentioned last time, you’d be going abroad for college. Will you?”

Jean grinned. “Basketball isn’t too big of a sport here so I thought of going somewhere where I can go pro. I got a full ride in a pretty good university.”

“Jean! Congratulations!” Their side of the table had exploded into other conversations.

They were all going to colleges, some abroad, some local. Levi had turned to their side, ready to passively listen for details. He was starting to get invested in their plans too.

“Is anyone sitting here?”

Mikasa Ackerman. He instantly recognized her voice. “Ah sorry, I didn’t notice you there.” Levi said.

Mikasa remained standing. She stared at Levi expectantly and pointed to the seat next to him. “So, I can sit here?”

“Go ahead.” Levi scooched over on the bench. He eyed the filled cocktail glass next to Mikasa and pushed it casually towards himself. The last thing he wanted to do then was enable a minor.

Mikasa didn’t seem to notice the drink at leats.. “I talked to Elijah,” she said as she started placing meat in the grill... “He welcomed me during my first training.”

“Didn’t he move on from collegiate jumping already?”

“He had some free time. We had a long talk about prospects after college. I’m guessing coach put him up to it. Some extra persuasion points maybe?”

“You’re not gonna change your mind.”

“I don’t plan on changing my mind. I submitted my documents, signed the contract and I’ll probably be moving to the dorm next week so I’ll be nearer to the oval.” Mikasa paused to eat an egg roll.

“To think you were so against it before.”

Mikasa shrugged. “I guess it’s just easier now since Eren’s starting to prepare for entrance exams. I’m actually convinced he’s gonna be fine. He’s been taking review classes and he’s been studying a lot outside the classes too.”

“Entrance exams of Paradis University?”

“That’s his first choice,” Mikasa said. “Are you still staying in the dorm? Maybe we could go through drills together on off-days and you could give me a few pointers.”

“I’ll be in the dorm for a week more or so... I’m not exactly sure.”

“You’re gonna wait for Hange?”

Is it obvious? Levi avoided her gaze then, looking back at his empty plate. He soon realized he hadn’t even started cooking himself. So he dropped a few slabs of meat on the grill in front of him to feign at least some disconnect. “Maybe,” he answered.

“It would be nice to get a few pointers from you,” Mikasa said. “You really were one of the best jumpers out there.”

“I won’t be able to demonstrate a jump if that’s what you’re expecting. Besides Hange is much better at giving pointers. She’s a lot more observant than I am.”

“I’m sure there are things you can teach me that Hange can’t. I wanna improve my vertical jump. And maybe try some of the other events as well.”

“This is a complete 180 from you months ago..”

“I’m stuck training twice a day. I barely get to talk to Eren and Armin. So I ended up finding happiness in just jumping… And I thought to myself, might as well make some jumping goals for myself right?”

“So what’s your goal?”

“I wanna beat your high jump record. Even Elijah hasn’t beaten that yet,” Mikasa said.

“That’s some character development,” Levi mumbled.

Mikasa ignored it though or maybe she didn’t hear it. Levi never really figured out how loud he had said it. “.. And the only person who can teach me how to beat your record is you.”

***

Levi had eaten too little and had drank a little too much. But he would rather not have told anyone that.

So he had made the journey to the rooftop of the restaurant alone. There was a toilet conveniently by the staircase where he had ended up dry heaving on the bowl. A few dry heaves and a few sets of stairs later, he found himself sitting back on the metal wired fence that lined the roof.

Just long enough to get my bearings. Levi reassured himself as he leaned further in.

As time passed though, he managed to convince himself that maybe he could stay there long enough to just wait for everyone to leave. The last thing he would have wanted to do was puke on anyone on the way down.

He checked his clock. 9:30pm. Most college students wouldn’t even be leaving for the party yet at that time. His strict athlete schedule meant he never was a normal college student though.

He graduated college already anyway. With that realization, Levi was a little more merciful towards himself. So he rode out the high of his inebriation. He counted out the stars above him, treating it as some sort of countdown to sobriety.

It probably wouldn’t work. After the tenth star, his head was still pounding, the stars were starting to show signs of blending amongst one another and he could feel his face warming up.

He was starting to feel the beginnings of dry heaving—or possibly wet heaving—again. Unable to sit up any longer, he lay on his side.

He didn't know how long he had lain there, waiting for the pounding to subside before he heard footsteps. His first instinct had been to force himself to sit up. His mind though was quick to recognize those footsteps, that natural mix of fast, loud and even as they made their way up the stairs and somehow, he ended up relaxing instead on the cold concrete floor.

How many times had he searched for those footsteps before?

“Hey, you know you’re lucky we’re here on a weekday during off season. If this were a weekend, the rooftop probably would have been full and they would have kicked you out already.”

“How’s everyone?” Levi asked. He kept his question to two words but the amount of syllables he had to pronounce then only garbled it.

“They left already,” Hange slid back on the metal fence and leaned back on it. “It’s just you and me now.”

“Okay,” Levi said. He would have wanted to say more. The pounding headache only made something so simple as speaking, a game of Russian Roulette and he didn’t want to figure out which word had the bullet, and which word could have him throwing up on Hange then.

“It’s just you and me,” Hange repeated.

You said that already. Levi would have wanted to say. Instead he kept his own response at a hum of understanding. She should interpret that as a yes at least.

“You don’t wanna talk? Or are you just too drunk?”

Levi didn’t respond.

“Didn’t you just have two cups?”

Levi raised up three fingers. He wasn’t exactly sure how many at that point. But he was sure it felt like more than two.

“Okay, that still isn’t enough to be deadass drunk you know.” Hange seemed impatient. And maybe a little disappointed.

So Levi took one risk. “Just keep talking. I’m listening.” Maybe that had been enough to get some bile up his throat. It had done more than enough to aggravate the pounding in his head and he found himself leaning on Hange’s shoulder.

As she held him closer, her hand gently guided him deeper onto her shoulder. Within seconds, Levi found he had rested his head on her lap and was staring up at the sky above.

The night was clear, the stars were shining and Levi was counting the stars again, a little ticked that he had lost his pattern and his train of thought of a few minutes ago. He was starting from the top again and he could have sworn the stars were constantly moving. There was no way he would have been able to guess which line of stars he had already counted.

“Hey, talk to me.” Hange only made the ordeal of counting stars worse. Her big head of all things was obscuring the view of the patterns he was starting to form as he counted.

Get out, I’m counting stars. That’s what he would have wanted to say then.

Hange could have heard it. Or maybe she didn’t. She bent a little more forward, so unnaturally, Levi could have sworn she had done it out of spite. She stared at him with wide eyes, her lips curled up into a playful smile. “Let’s talk Levi, one more hour and they’re gonna close. Besides the view here is nice, it’s breezy and…”

“And?”

“You’re probably too drunk to move now. We’re gonna have to get a taxi home.”

“Later,” Levi mumbled as he turned on his side and buried his face into Hange’s polo which smelled unavoidably like beef. He would have complained then if his head wasn’t pounding and if it didn’t dawn on him then, he probably smelled worse.

“Okay, Wanna talk about my work?”

“Thesis?”

“That… and, the binder I gave you, the one with the stories.”

“What about it?” There was a lot to talk about. But it wasn’t like there was much Levi could have contributed then but one to two syllable answers.

“What did you think?”

“Good.”

Hange pouted. “No, not about the quality. How did it make you feel?”

“Good.”

“Okay, how did Commander Hange’s death make you feel?” Hange had taken pains to pronounce the word death a little more clearly than everything else. Enough for Levi to almost think throwing up on her would be a good idea.

So he took another risk. “If you had so much more to say, why didn’t you say it?” Levi asked. His voice would naturally slur so he willed himself to enunciate every syllable even if it could make him look like an idiot in the process.

“That’s what Commander Hange should have been asking Levi,” Hange said.

“Captain Levi didn’t wanna let Commander Hange sacrifice herself. It was obvious.”

“No it wasn’t.” Hange shook her head, quickly enough to get even Levi dizzy. “You wrote something before, right? Your descriptions of everything were incredibly vivid, like I remembered the views, the appearance of the titans, the way you weaved words together but you know half the time, I couldn’t even be sure of what Captain Levi was thinking.”

“That’s how it felt reading your work. Squad leader Hange, Commander Hange… all they described were titans.”

“But Commander Hange explicitly said she wanted to live with Captain Levi. It was obvious too,” Hange said.

And for a second, maybe they were engaged in some mental sparring, a game of tug of war. Levi was still a little too incapacitated, he couldn’t take the initiative.

So Hange spoke up, loud and clear. “I thought being with each other, doing all that was enough of a love letter. Did they need words? A mad declaration of love?”

“Maybe, no one can be too sure unless somebody says something right?”

“Hange was the commander. Levi was the captain. With the war going on, I don’t think they could have left their post right. They couldn’t be too selfish. I think the commander was planning to wait until retirement to say it.”

“Retirement never came.”

“We’re both retired now,” Hange said. “I’m done with this whole academic stint. You’re done with your whole athletic stint. We have the time to make it work for Commander Hange and for Captain Levi right?”

“Are you saying we’re Captain Levi and Commander Hange?”

“My dreams tell me yes.”

“Dreams huh? That’s pretty objective.”

“Hey, I think I did enough research on this to make a theory about it. It was part of my thesis.”

“And you do realize you’ve never told me what your thesis was about?”

“Sorry about that…”

“So you knew? I always thought I was an asshole for not asking.”

“You asked a few times, not directly, but I think maybe you wanted to go in that direction,” Hange said. “And I admit, I ended up digressing every time.”

“Why?”

“I guess I wasn’t too comfortable telling you yet. I was writing my thesis side by side with that story and ever since I got serious about it, after a few dreams, after that night in the hospital, I wanted the memories to be as raw as possible, untainted by whatever story Captain Levi told me before. It was Commander Hange’s story, not Captain Levi’s. So I guess that’s why I wanted to avoid discussion on it.”

“Thesis is done. The book is done. You can talk about it now.”

“You're gonna get bored. So I’ll just read out the title.”

Hange twisted towards her side, jostling Levi in the process and Levi had to bite his lip not to aggravate the dull headache then. He heard the sound of a zipper and the sound of books pushed against one another.

After what felt like a lot more than a few seconds, it stopped. Hange opened the book, she turned on the flashlight of her phone.

The glare was sudden and for a good few seconds the glare of the light could have been right on him. Maybe that was what had made it particularly painful for Levi then.

He buried his face further into Hange’s shirt and let out a taut curse.

“Sorry,” Hange whispered, seeming distracted. After flipping through the pages for a few seconds longer, she read it out loud. “Nature and Nurture as Determinants of Athletic Potential, A Case Study on High Performing Athletes… Okay you know, maybe I was a little biased towards ‘nature,’’ she added cheekily.

“Why nature?”

“Dreams… Past life. What if… You’re Captain Levi and I’m Commander Hange Zoe. Right? We have the evidence. Captain Levi was humanity’s strongest and he was really good with fighting in the air... Commander Hange Zoe liked strategy and research... And the fact that we had the same dreams?” Hange trailed off.

Levi was in no state to respond.

So Hange continued. “You wrote a lot Levi and maybe you’ll write it again. But I can swear, from what I remember about your works, and what I remember from mine, They’re the same story. And Kuchel had something similar right? What if past lives are real?”

“I don’t think you’re wrong..”

Hange pulled another book from her bag then.

Under the dim starry night, Levi made out the thin binder, the one he had read that afternoon. She started to flip through the pages, much faster as if she memorized the exact page and maybe the exact position where the paragraph was.

“Maybe we should just live here together, right Levi?” Hange read out loud.

If we keep running and hiding, what will that get us… I know you’re not able to stay out of the action. Those words echoed clearly in Levi’s mind then. Captain Levi was still alive inside him and he was whispering.

Clear enough to convince Levi. Maybe past lives are real. Levi thought to himself. He was in another life then, circumstances were different so he changed the script a bit, a script fit for soon-to-be graduates Hange Zoe and Levi Ackerman.

“Where to, Hange Zoe? What’s the game plan?” Levi asked.

“What’s the game plan of an academic washout…” Hange asked. “Well first things first, thank my parents for their grad gift, you know, the money to pay for the all you can eat beef… I’ll probably get a full time job, save up money then decide if I wanna go to med school again but at this point, I might just be better off pursuing a research track.”

“Didn’t Commander Hange wanna study plants?”

“She did,” Hange said. “And you know maybe she’ll get the chance now. Didn’t Captain Levi wanna own a tea shop?”

“I think that’s a viable career option for an athletic washout. The Olympics and the national team are out of my plate anyway.”

“So what? Teashop and research?”

“Teashop and research.”

“Well first things first, we’re gonna have to save right? My parents and I have been reconciling our differences lately already but I don’t wanna borrow too much money so our best option would be to get a place outside the city? You think we’d be able to afford that?”

Levi forced a slight nod. “Maybe a place with lots of green. You’d probably enjoy the trees and you’ll find lots to study during your days off. The commute to work is gonna be a bitch though.”

“We’ll find a job nearby or we’ll make it work. Just long enough to figure things out.”

Figure things out… The conversation died then. But maybe it did because Hange had started to do a little more research then, he saw in the glare in her glasses, the natural green over the white background.

Was she researching houses? Levi asked silently. It wasn’t worth asking anyway. They had only a few weeks before their contract ends and they’d be forced to vacate the dorms. Maybe it was a good idea to search much earlier.

So Levi endured the bright glare of the screen and searched for the beauty in the green glare on the white screen on Hange’s glasses then, and maybe he found it underneath in her eyes that seemed to be smiling.

If eyes could smile… No, they were definitely smiling.

“I’m sorry, we’re gonna have to ask you to leave. The restaurant is closing soon.”

Just like that, the moment was broken.

“We’re going down. Just give us a few minutes to fix our stuff.”

“Let’s go, Levi?”

“I would've wanted to stay here a little longer. It feels like a dream. I feel like Captain Levi here.”

“Because you are Captain Levi,” Hange said as she started to stuff the books back into her bag.

“Alright, Commander Hange.”

Hange chuckled. “You seem very disappointed.”

“Do I?” Levi couldn’t really tell the face he was making there. Hange’s face wasn’t the clearest either under the dark light. So he considered the possibility that she could be right. He might have been disappointed.

“Fine, I’ll give you something to dream about,” Hange said slyly. “You know, if Commander Hange Zoe wasn’t fighting a war, there was something else she probably would have done.”

“Wha--?” Before Levi could even complete the question, she had answered it herself.

She answered it with a quick peck. Or at least it should have been a quick peck.

With Levi’s mouth half open then, it morphed into something else in that split second, lasting a little longer. Their lips locked, their tongues touched and it had taken a few seconds longer to let go.

It probably could have taken a minute, an hour or even an eternity longer and Levi wouldn't have minded.

He continued to replay it in his head again and again as Hange helped him up, slung his one arm over hers. His surroundings changed, from the starry rooftop, the restaurant interior then the taxi on the way home.

And it ended with the sofa of the dorm lobby, the wooden ceiling and Hange leaning on him on the sofa.

He was still thinking about it then. In the silence, in the peace even with the changing surroundings, he had been on cloud nine the whole time.

He was convinced, Captain Levi wouldn't have minded that eternity either. Hell, he probably would have loved it.

***

There was a hiking trail near their house. Luckily it wasn’t too steep.

So Levi deemed himself well enough to brave it. It had been almost a year since his surgery, six months since the last tear and most days, as long as he wore his knee brace, his knee wouldn’t give out on him.

Unbuckling happened. Swelling happened. The dull aches never left. Levi had learned to just live with it, ride through the worst days.

It was as if his knee knew then that that day in particular was special. Or maybe Levi had chosen that day because his knee was feeling better. That day, Hange was notably freer and on the days leading up to autumn, it was only gonna getting colder and colder and he didn’t wanna have to wait another year to hike.

“Just tell me if anything hurts,” Hange said as they made the almost perilous journey up the hill.

The steeper it got, the harder it would be on his knees. He noted that, it would get worse particularly on the way down.

It was still far from the steep incline in the reserve Hange had brought him to more than a year ago.

There was a peak that overlooked the small town they had settled in. The incline, the climb albeit longer, was friendlier for his aching muscles and his bum knee.

Levi was counting his blessings. So through the worst of the dull aches, the worst of the pains as they climbed up, Levi gritted his teeth and clocked it as ‘bearable at least,’ not worth a complaint.

Hange probably could tell though. He didn’t figure out by her eyes since he kept walking behind her. She hadn’t been particularly pushy either. He had figured it out for himself when she started talking, and she never stopped.

“How’s Petra?”

“She’s working towards a PT Certificate.”

“How’s Isabel?”

“I heard she’s starting her third year of high school already?”

“And Farland?”

How do you even know them?

“I visited Erwin a lot in his office in the hospital you know. And I talked to them.”

But it hadn’t been just that. Hange had an emotional investment extending far beyond that. He slowed his pace, appreciating her seemingly interested voice then. With that, Levi was reminded, they were Commander Hange’s friends too.

So he continued to answer questions as they came. They were a good distraction from the specter of exhaustion that loomed over him.

And soon, he took the reins. "So how's Moblit?" It had only felt natural to ask too.

"He's in his first year of med school...How's Mikasa?"

"Her first college competition is next month.”

Conversations shifted quickly from topic to topic, person to person before dying somewhere at the peak when they attributed the death of such to speechlessness at the view before him or just utter exhaustion.

Levi knew it was neither of it and he became sure of it as Hange guided him to the bench that overlooked the rolling hills behind them.

She kept one hand over his knee. "Your knee did a good job not swelling."

"Even if it does, I won’t regret it. I wanted to do this for a while."

"Is this because you couldn't join me up the peak last year?"

"Probably," Levi said. He turned to her. "You didn’t get to the top then right?"

“No, I didn’t. I went back down as quickly as I could when I heard you scream my name.”

“I’m sorry.” I didn’t know what came over me. But Levi knew, so he kept that last part to himself. “You know, maybe I am doing this for you. You still wanna fly right?"

"Yeah, I do. Even if I remember everything then, after writing everything out… Sure I know how it ends for Commander Hange Zoe but... I still wanna fly. Maybe because I just wanna enjoy the freedom that comes with it.”

"Then I guess we made a good choice." Levi grabbed his backpack from behind him and unzipped it. "I wanted to give this to you. And I thought you might enjoy reading it in a place with lots of sky."

He had binded it the same way and he had titled it similarly.

It looked like Hange knew what it was. "Levi… is this…" Her wide eyes looked far from confused.

"After reading your work, I started dreaming about Captain Levi again so I rewrote the story I made a year ago. It's not a perfect copy but I think I remembered enough to maybe get you immersed again in his thoughts."

Hange didn't reply but Levi didn't mind.

In a way, she had responded, through whispers, murmurs and the grin on her face as she looked through the file. "To Commander Hange? Yours truly, Captain Levi?" Hange asked, a little louder and clearer than her murmurs. She wanted to be listened to.

"Are you laughing? That's the same thing you wrote at the top in your own file,” Levi said. “I guess you can say, it's Captain Levi's love letter to Commander Hange."

“A love letter huh? All I’m reading here are long drawn out descriptions of humanity’s strongest soldier fighting titans…” Hange chuckled. “And maybe some mentions of Commander Hange Zoe.”

“Captain Levi was with Commander Hange a lot right?” It was a shoddy reply. Still, an inkling of pride had Levi clinging on to that comment.

"Do you notice that neither of us actually wrote something introspective. It’s like they never could tell what the other was thinking. Captain Levi was too obsessed with fighting, Commander Hange was too obsessed with Titans."

"Those were how my dreams were."

"That's how they were for me too."

"But if you look over there, towards the last page, you'd find it. I wrote 'dedicate your heart' right? Captain Levi didn't want you to leave"

"I remember that and if you looked towards the end of my work you'd see I wrote... Commander Hange wanted to live with you."

Levi had a copy of it on his phone so he opened up, did a quick search and highlighted the text.

Maybe we should just live here together, right Levi?

For a second they sat in silence. Levi was too busy finding a reason for the tens of thousands of words worth of exposition all for one sentence. Maybe Hange was doing similarly.

Hange spoke up once again, only confirming it for herself. "Commander Hange and Captain Levi really took each other for granted huh?”

"They had a war to fight. They couldn't be too intimate could they?"

“So instead of just explicitly saying I love you through a love letter, they decide to send each other memories of a past life and we’re left to decode it for ourselves?”

“Captain Levi was never really the type to say he loves someone. And I’m guessing Commander Hange wasn’t the type either.”

“Or maybe... They were too scared to think about it to admit it was love, but somehow the reader just knows.” Hange suggested. She turned to Levi then, eyeing his phone.” It wasn’t just in the ‘live together’ part right? I’m sure you felt it in the letter? With every mention of Captain Levi… Toward the end, he never left her side and she never his side too right?”

Levi nodded slowly, gripping his phone a little tighter. “I felt it and every time I reread it, it only got stronger." And how many times had he reread it since she first gave it to him months ago?

“You know Levi, even since last year, the first time I read it, I felt it for myself and I really thought they would have kissed. And maybe if Commander Hange died they would have.” Hange cocked her head to one side. “So none of us needed reflection or introspection huh? I guess the descriptions on titans and technology made some great padding to the love letter.”

“Don’t you think it just made everything more complicated? For us?”

“Maybe it did. But I like to think this long drawn out puzzle just makes everything deeper, worth remembering. Think about it, just mentioning someone again and again, just quietly assuming that someone would be there by your side forever, not thinking too much of it but just casually thinking ‘I wouldn’t mind if they were there forever.’ And when the prospect of losing them comes up, that refusal to let go...the regrets that follow... I think those run deeper than any flowery declaration of love." Hange waved the binder in front of him. "I like this. It’s better than any love letter I could have gotten.”

“Two idiots just writing stories about their tragic past lives and exchanging it," Levi mumbled that first part to himself. He turned to Hange. "I enjoyed the process of writing these ‘love letters’," Levi said. "Did you?"

Hange nodded. “It wasn’t all happiness for sure but overall, I’m enjoying the writing process and I'm enjoying where the dreams brought me. It’s not where I expected to be a year ago but hey, who says life should be following the path we set for it,” she said. She took a deep breath. “And I should be saying the same to you. I’m not the Olympics. I’m not the national track and field team but you don’t mind right? Being stuck with me? Writing love letters like that?”

“Hey, instead of going to medical school, you’re here living with me in some small house near some hiking trail. We’re both on nine to five jobs saving up money until god knows when. It’s a far cry from what our teammates and blockmates are doing.”

“But you know if I didn’t drop the other theses, I don’t think I would have written this much about you.”

“And if I didn’t get injured, I wouldn’t have written. I’d probably be training with the national team now.”

And we wouldn’t be here. Somehow, Levi knew she was thinking about it too. From his peripherals, he saw, Hange had leaned back on the bench and had let her head fall back. She was staring at the sky above her.

He followed suit.

There was something about the sky at the top of the hill. It was a light yet mesmerizing blue that endlessly stretched above him. There were no buildings, no trees, or no highlands framing such a view. The sky looked free.

And for the first time in months, Levi felt like he was flying again.

But he didn’t want to fly alone. Levi dropped one hand along that very small gap between them.

It looked like Hange had taken that as a sign to reciprocate.

Levi looked to his hand, cradled against hers and up at her face to see that she still wasn’t looking down. In fact she held her head back further, propped her glasses on her forehead, and continued to stare at the blue sky above.

The blue sky reflected on Hange’s hazel eyes and it manifested in streams of color Levi couldn’t have even imagined as ever been producible by blue and brown. He wanted to catch her gaze then.

So he spoke up. “It wasn’t easy to accept it at first but I’m happy where we are. I’m not regretting anything and you know, there’s something liberating about failing---” Levi shook his head almost instantly as if what he had just said dawned on him then. “Actually wait, I think I phrased it wrong. This probably sounds weird.”

Hange continued to stare at the sky. “No, I think I get it,” she said. “Failing is embarrassing, it fucking hurts and for a while it feels like life stops. But when you fail enough times, failure starts to feel like a friend. And when you fail a few more times, you stop chasing and that’s the liberation you’re talking about right? There’s something liberating about accepting failure as just something that happens and just riding through that downward spiral before picking yourself up again." Hange held the booklet over her and reopened it. “I’m happy where I am now too, post-downward spiral.”

Levi could only watch and listen as she whispered unintelligible sentences to herself, grinning at the pages. He wondered which scenes she was reading through then.

“Well, it’s time for both of us to regroup then. We can't just keep feeling sorry for ourselves right?” Hange added as she stood up. “I have my research. You have your tea shop to work on. We better start hiking now or I don’t think we’ll make it back before sun down.”

“I would have wanted to enjoy this view a little longer.”

“Then we schedule another hike. We endure the uphill battle, we enjoy the peak then we deal with the downward spiral. That’s how it’s always been anyway.” She stuffed the booklet on her backpack and pulled him up from the bench.

“Yeah, we’re both used to it anyway,” Levi joked. He felt Hange’s hand behind him as he looked down at the decline. Only looking at it then did it dawn on him, hiking backwards, the downward spiral which followed the euphoria at the peak could be almost comparable to hell for his knees.

“Hey, I’ll go first. If you feel like you’re losing your balance, just grip my shoulder harder. Besides we can look for a gentler slope on the way down. We just have to get past this one.”

“We won’t be able to get down if we don’t deal with this huh?”

“We won’t,” Hange said. “I know it’s bad for your knees… but if you walk at an angle, it will reduce pressure. I’ll cover for you.” She clutched his hand, went ahead and guided his hand towards her shoulder.

Levi took it as a sign to grip..

“Just relax," Hange said.

It was easier said than done. Levi waited for his legs to start screaming then. The dull aches were ubiquitous, the buckling and unbuckling of his knees were a discomfort he had learned to just ride through and he was sure, he wouldn’t be hiking for another few months after that.

Even before the slope had gradually morphed into something gentler, Hange had started talking again as if she knew once again that it could ease them the whole ordeal of hiking downwards.

“Remember that teashop, the one just a ten minute walk away from our apartment, you wanna check it out?” Hange asked.

There was only one teashop near their place and Levi was quick to recognize it. “I’ve been going there everyday after work.”

“Without me?”

“Where do you think I buy the teabags and the coffee beans that never seem to run out?" Levi asked. He had taken great care to say the word 'coffee' in particular. It was Hange who went through bags of them too quickly that it was almost impossible to not frequent the cafe.

“Fine, I won’t complain. Tell me about it then, any regulars? Anything notable?”

“There are two kids who live nearby and they hang out there a lot. A brunette and a blond. Falco and Gabi.” Those names had been easy to remember. Yet as he imagined those two kids in the cafe, as he recalled their minimal interactions, he started to wonder if they ever really did introduce themselves.

“Those are familiar names," Hange commented.

“And there’s a pilot who hangs out there but mostly on weekends. His name is Onya--”

“Onyakopon?”

“So you’ve met them before?”

“No, just seems familiar.”

“So what, are you gonna tell me you’ve dreamed of them?”

“Maybe I did.”

Somehow, that had taken a weight of his shoulders then and it had started to become easier to admit on his end. “To be honest, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t dream of them too.”

#levihan #levihan fanfiction

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