Blurb req- Tom and the reader on a private jet hungover? just pure fluff?

fluffy requests are well and truly open ( bcos I adored writing this ahah) and let me know what u think , I am deff not a writer so any feedback or tips would be v appreciated :))

summary: tomhollandxactress!reader - a wrap party followed by an early morning flight and a grumpy Harry, what could possibly go wrong?

warning: mentions of alcohol and sickness

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The remorse. The regret. It only made the pounding in your head even worse. Why those two 1.5 litre bottle of Bacardi had been brought out was beyond you. Why the you six of you had then decided to empty said bottle was even more of a mystery. It wasn’t like any of you had needed it, you’d all been more than ‘merry’ prior to the cheap rum and coke. 

Hence the state of you, Tom and Harry as well as your manager Davey and Tom’s team of Rachel and Andrew. All having made very little effort with your appearance - joggers and hoodies all round, with you and Rachel also sporting sunglasses because you were simply smarter than the boys. Thankfully, this wasn’t a big trip that fans knew about, this was you and Tom moving location under cover  - the studios didnt want anybody to know that either of you made a feature in this film, so everything was under the cover of darkness. Which to be honest you were not complaining about. However, you were complaining about the fact the flight had been scheduled to leave at 7 am the night after your wrap party though.

The two of you had just wrapped your most recent and most ambitious movie to date - hence the massive celebrations last night for just surviving and getting it done. It had been the most intense 3 months of your life, there had been times you’d cry for hours on end, times you just wanted to quit fully knowing you’d never be hired again for leaving a multimillion dollar company in the lurch.But you all, somehow, had survived. So celebrations were in order of course but perhaps not as far as you all managed last night?

Your whole convey appeared to have travelled to the airfield in absolute silence, no one particularly fancied hearing anyone else’s voice- which to be honest seemed quite fair. You’d ridden in a car with Tom and Harry, with you resting your head on Tom’s broad shoulder - which had obviously made Harry gag, rolling his eyes. Bless Harry, really he was the only reason you and Tom had got together, after getting sick of the mutual pining he’d been forced to live with during the previous 2 projects you’d worked on together. But now, having had to put up with the two of you being so ridiculously loved up for the past 3 months - understandably a bit of distance from you and his brother was overdue. 

One of the flight attendants busied themselves loading your luggage, whilst the pilot asked you and Tom for a photo. Of course, you weren’t going to say no however you did have to cringe at how rough you both looked. His teenage daughter certainly would be less excited to see that her Dad hadn’t met Tom Holland and Y/n Y/l/n. Instead he’d met the zombified, undead and rougher frauds. Still you smiled as much as you could, wincing when you removed the glasses and the early morning sun pierced your restricted pupils. God it wasn’t your day. 

The guy didn’t seem to mind though, excitedly hurrying off onto the plane to settle in the rest of you - leaving just you and Tom outside on the tarmac. 

“Poor guy, we look like shit.” You murmured while taking a step closer to lean slightly into his side. 

“Speak for yourself love.’Tom snickered into the top of your head, after pulling you completely into his chest. This wasn’t normally allowed, your relationship still wasn’t public and both of you intended on keeping it private for as long as possible. But you were in an otherwise empty field in the middle of nowhere (somewhere in Georgia) before 8 am. It was actually quite nice to feel your boyfriends arms round you in the outside world, especially when you felt this shit. After a few moments you pulled away, arching back at Tom’s pouty face as you motioned it was time to get on the plane. 

“’S too late you know.” Your brows furrowed at his half formed sentence, facial expression only demanding him to explain more. “They all have already taken the good seats… Harry basically sprinted on so he can hog the bed thing.” In response it was your turn to pout, groaning as you fell back into his chest again. Yes, this was a complete first world issue, a private jet paid completely by your bosses was not something a lot would moan about. Truly you were grateful for everything you had in life, but with the worst hangover of your life when the opportunity of lying down for 6 hours instead of being stuck in a chair had manifested itself… well of course you felt robbed by your almost brother Harry. 

Chuckling at your reaction, he gave you an extra squeeze before leading the both of you up the stairs to the cabin. Sure enough Harry had completely and totally claimed the longer couch at the far end of the plane, lying on his stomach with his face hidden in the crook of his elbow. Rolling your eyes at the predictable situation, you didn’t miss Davey laughing at your sorry state - nmaking you throw daggers at him in your eyes. 

Davey was your second father, the relationship between the two of you far transcended any professional working one. Which is why the two of you acting like this was very much a norm and not rude at all. He had also got the next best seat in the corner with the most leg room which he clearly loved to show off. 

Unsurprisingly then you and Tom ended up squashed into the corner with your legs crumpled up together in the small space floor space. The brunette opposite you didn’t seem to mind so much but that was because he had an adaptational advantage. He could sleep anywhere and everywhere , whenever he wanted. On set if he was tired? Just take a ten minute power nap on the floor. Bored of a long car journey? Just conk out against the window. It absolutely infuriated you, as no matter how hard and how exhausted you were - it was rare you could get any further than a light doze. Even before the two go you got together, having a best mate that could skip all the boring bits and was immune to jet lag… you can see how that makes you want to punch him square in the face.

After a short safety talk from the pilot and flight attendant, the plane whirred into life and you were up in the air. Although in your current state, it would be reasonable to assume the beauty of flying had somewhat rubbed off - you were certain it never would. No matter how many flights you took across country ,and in fact continents, for work; you’d never get sick of watching the view below you. It was perfect and breathtaking and took your mind off the pounding in the back of your head for the first 20 minutes.

Until the need for sleep took over as either you need to be unconcious or you were going to vomit - which you really didn’t want to do at 40,000 feet in a tin box. Trying to rearrange your limbs to get comfier you accidentally knocked Tom’s leg rather forcefully, causing him to jump half out his seat, heavy eyes blinking quickly as he tried to get his baring as to what was attacking him - quickly answered by your guilty look. 

“You okay love?” His voice was slurred, sounding almost sleep drunk - but perhaps was just actually still a little drunk. You’d only headed to bead last night at 4 am and had to be up at 6 - which isnt very long for your poor kidneys to try and process the stupid amount of alcohol you’d both  happily been chugging the night before.

“Feel shitty and cant sleep.” You weren’t in the mood to white lie - honestly some sympathy from your beautiful boyfriend seemed like a dream at the moment. Tom’s idea was better though.

“C’mere then.” His arms outstretched, you immediately jumped into his lap - the two of you shifting about to get comfortable till you were sat side on to him, your bum and back leaning against the arm rest of the chair with your legs going over his thighs and pressing against the wall of the plane. Pulling you closer to his chest, Tom took a deep breath as he pressed his chin against the crown of your head; your face now nested into his chest. 

Nothing needed to be said as the two of you melted into each others bodies, the slow and deepening breathing enough to prove to each other you were both incredibly contented in that moment. More than that you felt safe- you’d admitted to Tom some weeks ago that you had never ever slept better than when he was beside you. Yeh it was cringey but sometimes that’s allowed right? 

… well not to Harry. Because as the plane was about to begin it’s descent, the pilot had tasked Harry (who had slept off the worst of the hangover and had spent the last 30 minutes of the flight scoffing at how adorable the two of you looked fast asleep together) - even after Rach had scalded him and had taken a photo of the two of you on her phone. 

Causing Harry to ,ever subtly, wake the two of you up by throwing his half empty water bottle over your heads. 

Safe to say, Harry very nearly didn’t leave that jet alive.

Sick - Tanaka x reader

Warnings: none

Words: 2282 

Summary: You and your neighbor walk your dogs at the same everyday, but what happens when he stops showing up 

A/n :! I am so so so so sorry for disappearing off the face of the earth, college is hard man and then it’s partially online and COVID and things and the depression really hit and I have started a new self care book and it is adding one thing back in my life at a time that I am passionate about and last week was French and this week it is writing because I really do miss it! I threw this together last night based off of a request I got forever ago and I hope it is liked <3 

You’ve lived in the same apartment for years and people always come and go, in and out, it feels like you see a new face everyday. In your three years there, you’ve only had one consistent fact, and that’s your bald neighbor who goes on walks with his dogs at the same time as you twice a day. At first you only saw him occasionally and now the two of you go out at 7:30 am and 6:30 pm on the dot. You have no idea how it started but now you get kinda excited to run into your neighbor on the stairs everyday and hopefully make a comment about how good his two big dogs are looking or even jsut the smallest acknowledgement with him.

   Speaking of your neighbor, he wasn’t out this morning before work, and you didn’t think too much of it because he works kinda funny hours and some random days misses the times. (Though he always tells you about it in the afternoon or the next time you see him) and because you’ve learned he’s a personal trainer he has finicky clients and sometimes is up wayy too early or way too late. It bugged you all day that you hadn’t seen him and no matter how hard you tried to focus at work you couldn’t imagine why he wasn’t out on a Wednesday. All of your explainations could make sense but you really don’t feel right about any of it. And when you got home and took your two babies out and he wasn’t there you were sure something was up. Tanaka loved his dogs more than anything and says that their routine keeps them together and that it keeps them well behaved. Something had to be wrong. Maybe he got a new girlfriend? Or he forgot? But he didn't forget and he hasn’t been with anyone ever, and if he was his dogs would still come first. You had no idea what you were thinking but when you came back up the stairs you kept walking and knocked on the door of the man you knew so completely and not at all. You quickly realized what you’d done and your heart was racing as you silent prayed that no one was home and that you could creep back to your door before anyone heard you.

   This was a great thought, except you forgot what happens when you knock with dogs. They bark. And unfortunately for you Tanaka doesn’t get a lot of guests so his dogs barked a lot. Like they could wake the entire neighborhood a lot. You had to grin and bear it and face the consequences of your irrational actions.

   After thirty or so seconds the door creeps open and there he is, Takana Ryuunosuke, in his pajamas and a beanie opening the door. He looked like a walking corpse and by the way he sniffed out a weak “hello” as he opened the door told you everything you needed to know. He was sick. Very sick, and you had just knocked at the door and now have to figure out what to say to him.

   “Oh, hey,” you stutter, “I was just checking on you to see if everything was alright, you weren’t out with your dogs and I was wondering if anything was up, or if you needed me to take them out for you because of their routine and everything,” you ramble on, hoping that somewhere your logic connected and this made sense.

   Takana stared at you blankly and you couldn’t help but mentally smack yourself because that was exactly what a stalker would say and you now seemed like his stalker.

   After a few more seconds of blank stares his expression caught up to your words and he broke out the goofy smile you love so much.

   “My dogs? Walk them?” He asked. Maybe they hadn’t caught up after all.

   “Well yeah, they weren’t out at their regular time and i wanted to make sure they were still going out and I have my two out and they are so well behaved and you clearly don’t feel well so it would really be no problem,” you rambled on again.

This time he was closely listening and nodded along with you before smiling once again. “No no no,” he chuckled, “ I can take them out” though he was laughing you could hear that he wasn’t feeling well and his energy was lower than you had ever heard.

   “Let me do this one favor for you, I can take them out, no big deal, okay?” You smiled.

   After you smiled it was a done deal for Tanaka, he grabbed the leash and thanked you about a hundred times. His dogs are fantastic and took you less than five minutes to walk before they’d used the restroom and were ready to go back inside. You took them back and he thanked you once again and you headed back to your apartment to make some dinner.

   You settled on a sun dried tomato soup with grilled cheese and happened *wink* accidentally *wink* make more than you could eat on your own and you’d hate for it to go to waste and you do have a neighbor who is sick and could probably use a hot meal right about now. So, you packed up a container for him and wrapped the sandwich in aluminum foil so that it would be hot for him and put some tea in a thermos and headed out your door once more. This time though, you were a little less bold and just rang the doorbell and ran back to your room. You did however, leave a little note saying “hope you feel better soon - room 420” on it and you hoped that it would at least help his night a little bit.

   Little do you know, Tanaka was so shocked to see this from you that he almost dropped the hot soup onto himself in a panic because this not only meant you paid attention to him but you cared for him. This was the best thing to ever happen to him. He finished every last bite and washed the container and thermos and placed them back by your door with a note of his own.

   When you got up the next morning and went to take your dog out you couldn’t help but beam when you saw your tupperware back in front of your door. You picked up the two items before seeing the little note on top of the container.

‘Best Soup Ever! -Room 419’

You beamed and did a little happy dance before deciding to go knock and see if he needed your help with his dogs again today, and boy are you lucky that you went. WHen he opened the door he somehow looked worse than yesterday, you could have swore that he had snot dried to his face and he was a total mouth breather and the bags under his eyes as well as tripled overnight. There were no arguments when you asked if he needed help with his dogs, because truthfully he really did.

   The walk was quick and the morning was over before you knew it. Another distracted day at work, you found yourself wondering how you could help him feel better, especially because he lived all alone and his closest family was something like an hour away last he told you.

You had a brilliant idea and decided to go to the store after work and make him a ‘get well’ basket. You filled the basket with cough drops, tissues, teas, chocolates and other little goodies that help him feel better and put him in a better mood. You got the groceries and were right on your way, practically skipping with excitement.

   Once again, you accidentally made an extra soup after you’d taken care of the dogs and happened to leave it with the basket later that evening.

   In the morning however, none of your dishes were by your door, which was no big deal, especially because he was feeling so under the weather, but what was even more strange is that he didn’t answer the door and the last thing you wanted to do was wake him up. So, you headed to work wondering if he liked what you did for him or if you’d crossed a line or if he was allergic to chicken noodle, or if he was too much of a health nut and you’d offended him, or if he’d… you had no idea, maybe died. This was not good for you and you could feel the stress starting to get to you when you got off work the sprint back home was exhausting and anxious. You rounded the corner of the stairs when you saw

Nothing.

You saw nothing.

That was fine, everything is fine. You are fine. Life is fine. If he doesn’t feel good you can’t expect him to do dishes or even leave his room. That’s best for everyone, no one wants a walking germ contaminating everything around, there were probably old ladies on this floor, you hadn’t seen any, but they were there, probably, so he was just doing the world a favor.

Again, he didnt answer the door for his dogs and you couldn’t force your kindness onto him so you had a night to yourself and went to bed way earlier than usual. You couldn’t help but wake up earlier than usual and instead of looking for things that weren’t there you got out and went to work early and got busy right away. You had a full day and worked until almost 8pm, hurrying back to hopefully get home before your local take away had closed. You made it, but just barely, and got your favorite meal to bring home with you to watch something horrible with.

   You got home and plopped on the couch completely exhausted. Immediatley you started eating and got about halfway through when you heard a knock at the door. Oh shit. You had no one in your life that would ever knock, well almost no one. THere was one person you were really hoping wasn’t on the other side of the door. You were in a t-shirt you got 10 years ago and a pair of crappy shorts from the general store, there was nothing remotely nice, or even tame about your appearance, you looked to be frank, crazy.

You creeped the door open and saw exactly who you were hoping not to see, Tanaka Ryuunosuke standing in front of your door beaming.

   “Hey?” You question nervously.

   “Hey, I noticed that you didn’t take your dogs out earlier and was wondering if you needed me to take them out for you?” He questioned genuinely, smiling from head to toe, clearly feeling better.

   You had no idea what to say or do but he just smiled as your dogs trotted out the door with him, without you saying a word. You awkwardly closed the door and stood there in shock. That was horrible. An embarrassment to you, an embarrassment to your family name and even worse an embarrassment to society. The shock still hadn’t worn off when you heard a second knock at your door, and well that was the man with your dogs and you couldn’t just leave them outside.

   This time when you opened the door you couldn’t help but gasp. Tanaka has a giant bouquet of red roses and a giant blush on his face.

   “Y/n, I know this is going to sound ridiculous, but I have had a crush on you since I first met you, and I never knew how to tell you, every time I got close to you I just freeze and I started taking my dogs out when you do to try and get to know you and I could never make myself do it but you have been unbelievably kind to me and I can’t wait any longer. I want nothing more than to have a chance with someone as stunning as you are. Y/n, will you go on a date with me?”

   This time it was you standing there dumbstruck for longer than you should have. You heard every single one of his words and your heart was fluttering out of your chest. You’d had feelings for him for as long as you can remember and here he was with a bouquet of flowers standing in your doorway asking you to go on a date with him. You couldn’t bring yourself to say anything so you just grinned and nodded at him enthusiastically, hoping he understood just how much this means to you.

   He beamed right back and handed you the bouquet of flowers, “perfect, then I’ll see you Friday at 7, I’ll pick you up.” He winked.

You were still dumbstruck and nodded again, and right as you were about to close the door for the night he stuck his foot in the doorway.

“One more thing y/n,” he pushed the door back open and had a basket of little goodies for you, as well as a homemade meal in the containers you’d given him with a little note that says ‘your soup warmed my soul, and my heart’. You couldn’t help but absolutely beam with happiness. You set the basket down and threw your arms around his shoulders and pulled him into a big hug, repeatedly thanking him for his kindness. You two parted ways happier than you could have imagined and both in great anticipation for Friday.

   The next morning, you were both out at 7:30 on the dot, excited to see one another.

Yo! Wassup? I read far away today and boy is it awesome like you totally slay as sis .. btw when is part 2 coming ? Not tryna rush you or anything.. Take your time

Far too long - P. Parker (Part 2)

Read Part 1 here

ITS HERE AND I’M SUPER NERVOUS. I FEEL LIKE I RUSHED THE ENDING BUT I ALSO FEEL LIKE IT WOULD BE A FLURRY OF PENT UP WORDS AND EMOTIONS. I HOPE YOU ALL LIKE IT AND IF ITS BAD THEN LMK AND ILL APOLOGISE SINCERELY BECAUSE I’M SCARED OF THIS HAHAHA

(gif is not mine)

TW: Mentions of blood, grief, injury, abandonment, fear, angst, childbirth. If any of these themes may trigger you then, please, do not read for your own good. Your wellbeing is far more important.

My inbox is always open.

Original story by sarcastically-defensive17

It would be a lie to say that Peter hadn’t been in horrible situations before. However, with the development of his powers came the growth of thicker skin and stronger shoulders to bear the weight of his choices and others.

He fought, day after day, to withstand everything life threw at him. Heartache, mistakes, the one time he frosted the tips of his hair when he was 12 - Y/N knew that he would be alright.

He had to be alright. He had to be alive. She needed him. They needed him.

Y/N had watched him grow as a man, and watched him overcome everything. Then he was finally hers. She had everything she had ever wanted in him, and she was going to bring new life into the world with him by her side, until the missions came between them.

Now, she had been away from him for over 2 months and he was missing in action. Every news station was reporting that he was gone, but she refused to accept it. She knew Peter. She knew the strength he had. She knew that no matter what, he wanted to be a part of his baby’s life.

The minute she saw the broadcast her shaking fingers dialed Tony’s number and he was there to take her to the compound as soon as he could be.

Another three months passed.

Three agonizing months.

She gave birth in the medical bay of the compound, May by her side, welcoming her daughter into the world with a broken heart

Rosie May Parker was welcomed into the world, but the one person who was meant to be there wasn’t. She had her fathers eyes, his ferocious brown curls - but she didn’t have her father.

Y/N didnt have much knowledge of science outside of her computer mechanics degree, nor did she have any means to be a powerful superhero like the avengers, but she had fierce determination. Tony had ordered her to stay at the compound until they found peter - he was also determined that his faux-son would be okay.

Y/N harbored no intentions of leaving, more so, now that Rosie had joined her. May was there as well, watching Y/N fall in love with the small child over and over again, every day, helping where she could.

It was when they neared the day that her daughter would turn two months old, that it all happened.

Y/N had taken up residency in the lab. She was a computer science major at university, and she was able to pick up the workings of the technology Tony and Bruce utilized to keep track of mission data and surveillance measures for MIA operatives. She had spent nearly every day that she had been there inspecting every program, every website, keeping track on news outlets.

The world said that Peter was dead, but she refused to give up. He wouldn’t go down without a fight. Spider-Man wouldn’t submit.

If her eyes weren’t glued to a screen, they were on her daughter, both keeping her connection to peter alive. She monitored his Karen program for any inconsistencies, any sign that the program was online.

Karen had been offline for so long. The minute the building went down on Peter, the only thing letting Y/N and Tony know that he was alive was gone with it.

Rosie would sleep soundly in a bassinet set up next to her chair. There was a strain in Y/N’s head that hadn’t waned for weeks. Each day her head felt heavier, the harsh blue lights from the computers creating a constant reminder of her naive determination.

She was beginning to consider the possibility that he was gone, but something always made her thoughts shift in the other direction whenever the idea graced her cortex.

Her days had been filled with bouts of despondency, but the small babe that she cradled against her chest throughout the day brought light back into her life.

But still, nothing

Not until that day.

Rosie was sleeping in her crib I’m their room, recently fed, changed and cuddled - Friday monitoring the baby in all of the ways that the baby monitor she had with her couldn’t. The clock had just hit 2:38am and her eyes were heavy. She considered submitting to the crushing weight of her exhaustion, until Tony burst into the laboratory with Bruce and Natasha in tow, the woman suited up and heading towards the hallway leading to the quinjet hangar.

“Tony?” Y/N blinked, eyes darting to the baby monitor to determine if the commotion was linked to her daughter. Rosie hadn’t moved, her small chest rising and falling with each breath. “What’s wrong?”

Bruce had rushed over to the computer she was sat at, rebooting various programs that Y/N could barely recognize in her bleary state.

A vein in Tony’s forehead protruded - a clear sign that his stress levels were at a high. Bruce had been attempting to monitor his blood pressure as of late, knowing that his anxiety had been peaking with the disappearance of two of his team members.

Y/N had felt a overwhelming sense of duty to the man who had taken her in. She wanted to calm him, help ease his worries as he had done for her. He was as much family to her as he was to Peter.

His brown eyes were frantic, but there was something else hidden in the warm irises that seemed constantly framed by bloodshot sclera. Hope.

“Take off in 30, Nat.” Bruce spoke through an earpiece, connecting directly to the quinjet she assumed the Russian was boarding.

Y/N focused her gaze entirely on Tony, rising to her feet carefully and stepping towards him slowly, as one would a spooked animal.

The minute she was within arms reach, his hands were grasping her shoulders. There was no pressure under his hands, but there was comfort. “A few minutes ago, a transmission came through.” Y/N felt her eyes widen, mind racing with possibilities. The smile she received from the older man told her everything she needed to know before the words left his lips. “Pete came though. He’s with Barton, they’re safe. Romanoff’s on her way to pick them up.”

Y/N was in disbelief, tears pricking at the corners of her eyes, “The building,” she breathed. “It came down on them-“

“The kid will explain when he gets here.” His hands moved to her cheeks. “He’s coming home, Y/N. For the most part, he’s alright. I got his vitals from the Karen program and he is stable, may need some work when he gets home, but he is okay, physically.”

Tears slipped from her eyes, running down Tony’s fingers but he paid it no mind. The smile that split his face was enough of a pardon.

It was another two hours until the familiar sound of the quinjet hangar opening graced her ears.

Bruce had ordered her to get some rest while they waited, but she opted to spend the time watching her daughter. Rosie had woken for a feed, but her big brown eyes stared up at her mother with a knowing look. Y/N could do little to push down the excitement of Peter’s return, but the overwhelming fear quickly resurfaced.

They left on horrible terms. They were no longer a couple, nor did she have the chance to take back the horrible things she said about his faithfulness to their family dynamic. But there was a lingering part of her mind that pushed her to think he would want nothing to do with them.

She left her room, placing a kiss to Rosie’s forehead and asking Friday to keep a watch of the baby, clipping the monitor to her waistband and rushing for the laboratory.

She arrived in time to see the compound medical staff trailing alongside a stretcher, Barton sprawled on it with a smirk on his face and an IV cannula in his arm.

Moments later she saw him.

He looked as much a mess as he felt, he knew so. Soot and dirt coating his skin and his suit, his leg aggravated and aching from an incorrectly set break. He hadn’t expected to see her face, but when he did, it felt as if a building was falling down on him once again.

She caught his eyes darting down to her stomach then back to her face. She smiled at him softly with a nod, hoping he could grasp her meaning across the meters between them.

She hadn’t the chance to say a word to him, nor he to her. Bruce led him to the medbay, offering support where he could for the pain in Peter’s leg, and Tony went to Y/N, cradling her as the pent up grief escaped through her eyes. She wanted to follow after him, so badly.

Tony held her against his chest, sharing the grief that had been building over the months. They were beginning to think they had lost Peter, but to see him alive and standing in front of them - it was overwhelming for both.

“I, uhm,” Tony cleared his throat, his voice wet from tears. “I’m gonna go help Bruce out. I’ll send for you when he’s all fixed up. I promise.”

With a nod of her head, Y/N let him go.

Minutes after, Friday alerted her that Rosie was awake and she took her leave to sit with her baby.

Her heart was pounding in her chest as she cradled the babe to herself. She had decided that even if Peter didn’t want to see her, she would at least hand Rosie over to Tony to introduce father and daughter. Despite her previous words, she just knew that Peter would be entirely smitten with the small human, just as much as she was.

As such, it came as a surprise when Friday chimed through her P.A. System requesting her presence at the medbay.

Her feet shuffled to stop at the door for the room they were in before she knew it, and Tony had opened the door to allow her entrance. He and Bruce took their leave, allowing the former lovers to have the space to themselves.

Peter felt the air drain from his lungs and he looked at her. He had sat up on the bed, leg bandaged and healing at an accelerated rate now that it had been set correctly. He was bruised and battered but he still smiled wider than he had in so long when he saw her and the small bundle she cradled.

She was the first to speak, “You’re alive.” Her voice was choked. The past months had been hard on him, but he couldn’t imagine the pain she felt thinking he was dead. Especially when they left things so horribly.

“The building... it wasn’t meant to go down like that,” he sighed, his smile shrinking. “I took most of the brunt because I can handle more than Clint. But we managed to get out and get our target... eventually.”

His eyes were darting to the bundle in her arms, but he didn’t dare to say anything about he baby. At this point, he didn’t even know his baby’s name.

Y/N noticed his gaze, and the unspoken question that his eyes held. Without warning, she took a seat next to him on the bed, unwrapping Rosie and placing her in Peter’s arms. She silently adjusted his hands to ease his fear and discomfort in holding an infant, and she could see the emotion forming in his chocolate orbs.

“Her name is Rosie.” Y/N whispered, eyes stuck on her daughter. “Rosie May Parker.”

“You named her after ‘Love, Rosie’,” he smiled, feeling a tear slip down his cheek. He had a daughter, and she was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen.

“It’s my favourite book. Two best friends who fell apart, only to come together and repeat it until they could finally be together.” Her fingers fiddled in her lap, picking at her cuticles. Her body was alight with nerves, her toes electric within her boots. “And I had to name her after May. She’s the only mother I have.”

“Rosie,” he tried the name on his tongue, noticing the way the baby scrunched her nose in her sleep. Her mother did the same thing.

Y/N sighed deeply, breathing out through her nose as she held back tears. “Peter, I’m so -“

“You have nothing to apologise for, Y/N.” He ran his finger over Rosie’s cheek. So soft, scared to stir her from her sleep. “Everything that happened, happened because of me.”

“Peter-“

“My list of discretions are unending. What kind of fiancé was I?” He let a soft chuckle fall from his lips, a humorless one, soaked from the sob he refused to let rip from his chest. “What kind of father was I? Who did I think I was, to keep you waiting on me, day after day. Every important event, I missed.”

“I never meant to say those things to you, Pete. To accuse you of not loving me, not wanting to be a father... it was uncalled for. But,” she sniffed, turning her head upwards to gaze at the ceiling. “I felt so alone. And then, you left, and I was alone.”

After what felt like eternity, his eyes met her face. Her skin was blotchy from tears, eyes bloodshot and red-rimmed. She was the most beautiful thing he had seen, apart from the angel in his arms. He felt almost complete, with the two girls by his side. His heart hurt a little less.

“I know. I’m probably the biggest jackass on the face of the planet, and I know that I can most likely do nothing to change that. It’s far too late for me to even begin to say the things I have wanted to say, but I can’t stand the thought of another day without telling you what’s been on my mind since the minute I left.” His body shuddered with a heavy breath, his lips kissing the small fist that rose towards his mouth as Rosie stretched in her sleep. “I have loved you for as long as I can remember. Every second I was away, I wanted nothing more than to run home and apologize for every disgusting thing I had said to you, to put my hands on your belly and promise our baby that I would never leave either of you.

“Then the building went down. I helped Clint get out, but I was stuck there for a few days. Some of our operatives were working as hard as they could to find a way to clear the debris so I could go, but it took a while. The entire time, I had convinced myself that I would never be able to see you again. It was like, like, I knew, that I couldn’t breathe until I saw you again.”

Her hand moved slowly, resting against his cheek to thumb away a tear that trailed his smooth skin.

“I didn’t know how many months had passed while I was gone, but when I got out from under the building, I realized that you were all alone to have our baby.” The sob finally broke through his chest. “I left you all alone. The small little baby that would see the world for the first time without their father.” He rubbed the side of his face onto his shoulder to not drop tears onto Rosie. “I’m a horrible father. I was so horrible to you.”

His breaths were staggered, and Y/N took the baby from his arms holding her against her own chest as she pressed her body to his side. Her free hand turned his face toward her own, but he kept his eyes squeezed shut, tears flowing rhythmically.

“I love you so much, Y/N, and I’m not going anywhere. I promise you,” he caught the way her hand tightened on his arm as he spoke. She was terrified of losing him again. “I would do anything, anything at all, to have you forgive me, but if you can’t then I understand. Just don’t make me leave your life, please.”

She felt her breath hitch, “I said horrible things to you. I told you to never come back, but I can’t stand another day without you. I need you here, with us. We need you Peter, like I told you all those months ago.” She felt his lips kiss the palm of her hand, the same one she used to brush away his tears. “I love you so much, and I don’t want you to leave. Ever.”

He pressed his forehead against hers, his lips pouting from the strength it took to resist pressing his mouth on hers. He didn’t know if she would welcome the contact. He had done her wrong.

“I’m not leaving you anymore, baby. I’m not leaving either of you, ever again.”

Y/N knew that Peter would be alright. His resilience was unmatched, his love ferocious. Y/N had began to think she would never see him again, but the image of him perched in front of her, eyes locked on the child that looked so much like him was one that she would never forget.

The tears falling were no longer out of fear, or sadness, or anger. Her tears fell out of love and happiness. She had the final piece of her family back, and she would do everything she could to see the two people in front of her smile.

“I’ve been far away, for far too long, baby. I’m never leaving you again. I’ll spend the rest of my life showing you how much I love you and Rosie. I’ll make you Mrs. Parker and buy a house in the suburbs and do everything boring house husbands do,” Y/N snickered, forehead still against his. Peter was rambling, but she knew she would never force him to give up what he loves, so long as he came home to his two girls at the end of the day. “I will love you, both, until the day I die and beyond that.”

She leaned her head forward slowly, allowing him to reject her intentions, but when he didn’t, she poured her emotions from the last half year into the kiss. The love, the fear, the anger, the uncertainty.

When they broke apart, one thing was on her lips, “I love you, Peter Parker.”

Tag List: @starshonerose @snookiebrookie @mantlereid @theanswertoeverythingisl0v3 @another-lonely-heart

@uwucorpse @timeless-crow @eridanuswave @prettysbliss @amydancypants @allycat449-blog

Cookies and kisses💋Pt3

BTS Jungkook

Summary- Jeon Jungkook is a broke college student who’s just trying to get his degree and find his place in the world but things aren’t always that easy. Especially when you’re only 21 years old and have a 4 year old daughter.

Warnings- Mentions of underage sex, brief mentions of past drug & alchol abuse. Mentions of past depression, self harm and suicidal thoughts. Quite a bit of swearing but nothing too harsh, don’t read if you’re sensitive to anything mentioned above.

Word count-2.7k

-

“Eunha baby please for the love of god can you just listen to me for once!” Jungkook cried out to his daughter who giggled loudly and ran away from her fathers grasp. He had been trying to get Eunha to have a bath for the past 10 minutes but the young girl was determined to get her own way. A quality she 100% got from her father.

“But daddy I had a shower the other day! I don’t need another one.” She exclaimed slightly out of breath from running up the stairs, her half naked frame was covered in a mixture of dried paint and dirt that she managed to pick up from nursery. Jungkook eventually managed to scoop her into his arms before she ran away again and locked herself in her room. A trouble he has had to face a few times when it came to bath time and he is only realising now that it would be easier to remove the lock. Luckily non of the boys were in to witness the young fathers struggle due to a ‘welcome back’ party half the campus was going to. Jungkook of course wanted to go and see everyone again after the summer break but the thought quickly disappeared when he realised he wasn’t a teenager anymore, he was a father and his daughter was his top priority, not some stupid house party that’ll probably be shut down by the police within the first few hours.

She squealed in delight when Jungkook playfully tickled her belly, an action that he knew would help win her over from past experiences. “Daddy has to shower everyday, some days when he’s really stinky he has two so you don’t get to complain misses.” He sat her down on the closed toilet seat and added the finishing touches to the bath, bubbles. Eunha hated baths more then anything but she wouldn’t even go near one of it didnt have bubbles in and so he makes sure to stock up on ‘unicorn mist bubble bath!’ Every week. After making sure that the water was just right he turned to his daughter and smiled “Bath time.”

-

It didn’t take long for Eunha to grow bored of the bath so Jungkook quickly dried her off, put her pyjamas on and ordered some food for them both whilst they relaxed in his bed. His long fingers made their way through her thick brown hair as she laid against her fathers chest. Jungkook couldn’t help but be reminded of the times when Eunha was first born and her mother was still around, cuddling into his side whist Eunha laid in his arms. Back to a time when Jungkook was vulnerable and believed her when she swore she’d never leave him. For a long while after she had left he wanted nothing more then to go back in time and and be with her where he felt loved and cared for. Now however he despised those memories. He wanted nothing more than for the images of her to be out of his head so he could finally move on. Eunha taught him what love is and he had finally learnt what she gave him was not it.

The father shook the thoughts out of his head and focused on the girl in front of him. Her glowing eyes were engaged with the tv. They were watching Beauty and The Beast, Eunhas favourite film. Even as a new born when Jungkook was 17 and had no fucking clue on how to take care of a child she always seemed to calm down and relax when it came on. Now himself and Eunha has watched it so many times together that they knew every word to every song and he’d be lying if he said he didn’t know the script inside out also. Even so Jungkook didn’t mind watching the film, deciding it was one of the better disney movies that actually taught kids the lesson of not to judge a book by its cover and that love comes in all different shapes a sizes.

Eunha lifted her head suddenly from her dads side and shifted to look around the bed, her tiny hands patted down onto the mattress clearly searching something. “What are you looking for baby?” He asksd curiously sitting up so he was beside her again. “Your phone daddy I want to know the time.” He chuckled and leaned across her small frame to grab his mobile from the bedside table.

“Why didn’t you just ask? And it’s 9:45 why do you want to know?” He picked her up and placed her on his lap so that she was facing him. She smiled brightly “Well earlier you told me to remind you about getting your clothes from the laundry place but I forgot so I’m telling you now.” Jungkook burrowed his eyebrows in confusion as he wondered what she was talking about before it dawned on him. He gasped and mumbled a small curse word under his breath and prayed that she didn’t hear him before removing her from his lap and began getting changed back into the clothes he was wearing before.

“God I completely forgot! I need those clothes for tomorrow so we’re gonna have to get them now sorry baby.” He apologized and kissed her forehead before taking her into her own room and grabbed a light jacket from the back of her wardrobe. It was a nice summer evening so she probably didn’t need it but her pyjama shorts and tank top were too little to be wearing outside at this time. The father sighed as he paced around the house, picking up his keys and turning off the television whilst Eunha waited patiently by the door.

“Are we going in the car daddy?” She asked as Jungkook picked her up and walked out of the shared apartment.

“No baby the place is only a couple minutes away so we’re gonna walk.” They strolled hand in hand down the street as the sun set in the distance. The warm evening breeze struck them with a pleasant burst over their bodies, a reminder of the summer that had just arrived in Seoul after a year of bitter coldness. The laundry shop wasn’t far from the house, just through the park and down the street so Jungkook didn’t have to worry about rushing to get there as it was a 24 hour service. Something the father was thankful for.

Despite the time there was still quite a few people sitting around, students having a beer before the sun went down and older people walking their dogs which Eunha was intraced by. She looked up towards her father and pointed out a particular dog that she always seemed to fondle over than any other. It was a golden retriever puppy that made the young girl giggle as he raced up to her and buried his face in her shoulder. “Look daddy!” She screamed in excitement and pet his golden fur whilst Jungkook laughed at the cute sight in front of him. He had always wanted to get a dog. A big silver husky that could help keep the house in check. The thought sounded stupid to some people but Jungkook weirdly felt like getting the dog was perfect to help keep Eunha safe but after discussing the plan with the rest of his housemates his idea was quickly shut down by Jin when he mentioned the price of such a dog.

The father snapped a quick photo of the pair and kneeled down to join his daughter with patting the overly energetic pet. “When can we get a dog daddy?” She said with a voice full of hope as she looked over at Jungkook, a wide smile wedged on her face. He chuckled and stood up, brushing himself off before holding his hand out to help his daughter up off of the floor. “Soon Eunnie, soon.” The young girl turned around once again and waved goodbye to the small dog. Her knees were muddy from the grass but she didn’t seem to mind as she skipped through the park, forcing her dad jog a bit to catch up with her.

-

“This needs to be done by 4:30 tomorrow latest, washed and dried. I have a very important party to go to.” The middle aged women smirked as she pulled a $50 out of her over priced Louis Vuitton purse and handed it to you from the other side of the counter. “And keep the change, you clearly need it.” The obvious fake smile on your face widened as you snatched the cash out of her perfectly manicured hand. “Of course ma’am I’ll see you tomorrow. Enjoy the rest of your day.” The smile stayed glued to your face until she was out of sight of the building. The last thing you needed was for her to catch you flipping her off and get you fired.

You inhaled deeply for a moment and regained your composure before putting the money into the till and taking out the tip in change. After months of searching you finally found a job that fit perfectly with your schedule and whilst working at a laundromat was not the most ideal job, it paid well and the amount of tips you got was surprising.

“God she’s a right bitch. Her names Karen Kennedy and she’s a regular, I don’t think she even owns a washing machine.” Your co worker said as she carried a large bag of clean laundry to the desk behind you. You chuckled quietly and shook your head. You’d only been working there a few weeks and you’ve already dealt with too many rich white people bossing you around and quite frankly, you were sick of it.

“Yeah well she tips good so I’m not saying anything.” You joked and turned to face the petite girl. Your co worker Mia was another reason as to why you hadn’t quit the job yet, she was slightly older then you and she was the type of girl that was pretty enough to be on a magazine cover so you had no idea why she was stuck working at a 24 hour laundromat. The two of you quickly clicked after working a 13 hour shift together and discovered that you both had a weird obsession with ‘NSYNC’. After that your friendship bloomed into snarky comments and late night trips to 7/11 after your shift.

“Anyway how’s rehearsals going?” Mia asked as she sat herself down in the space next to you, sorting through a bag of laundry that was dropped off earlier on in the day. You sighed “not the best, out choreographer broke his leg the other day so he can’t help anymore so we have to hold auditions for a new one”

“Shit that sucks, has Richards asked you too help?”

“Unfortunately, I mean it’s not like I mind helping her she’s done a lot for me it’s just I have no time at the minute”

“Oh well, why don’t you-” Mia was cut off by the sound of the bell Indicating a new customer has entered. Your eyes widened when you saw the beautiful man from the park with his daughter standing in front of you, smiles across on their faces. “Hello I’m Jungkook, I’ve come to pick up my dry cleaning.” He said as he picked up the little girl from beside him.

“Okay sir I’ll go grab them from the back, feel free to take a seat.” Mia said as she smiled at the two before raising her eyebrows at you and disappearing into the back.

He smiled at you before taking the young girl to go and sit down in the chairs closest to the counter. You looked away and pretended that you were busy so you didn’t embarrass yourself and do something stupid. You could hear the two talking quietly between themselves and you smiled as the giggles left the little girls mouth. It was just the two of them yet again, making you further wonder about the young girls mother. You turned your head away before he could catch you staring and pretended you were busy writing things down, his deep brown eyes and cute smile engraved in your mind. He was truly beautiful and the way he acted with his daughter was completely adorable, you wanted nothing more than to have the confidence to talk to him. Boys never usually made you feel like this. Why was he so different?

You were snapped out of your thoughts by Jungkooks voice “Eunha! Stop that please you’re gonna hurt yourself.” You turned to look at the two and found yourself amused when you saw the young girl twirling to the music that was playing through the building. You giggled at the sight, finding her dancing cute. He placed her on his hip and turned to look at you, a sheepish smile on his face when he heard your laughter. His tattoos were on full disply as he was wearing a short sleeved shirt and you admired the way the designs wrapped around his muscular arms.

“Sorry love, she gets excited when she hears this song it’s her favourite.” His deep voice sent shivers down your spine, a small blush covered your cheeks at the nickname he gave you. You smiled widely “Don’t worry about it, I loved it! You have some good moves.” You smiled at the brown haired girl as her eyes sparkled with delight. “I love dancing.” She stated proudly grinning widely.

“Love is an understatement, she dances all day and if she could she’d do it all night.” You laughed at the statement happy he was speaking to you. “I want to be just like daddy! He’s good at dancing too.” Excitement laced in her words as you raised your eyebrows in surprise. He was a dancer, no wonder why he was so buff, your mind filled with thoughts of how good he’d look all sweaty and panting for breath. Your cheeks flushed at the thought, Jesus this man was something else. “You’re a dancer? That’s so cool, I’m terrible at dancing it’s like I have two left feet.” You joked.

He laughed at your comment and the young girl giggled into her fathers neck. “I might have to teach you some time then.” He smiled as another blush spread across your cheeks. “Maybe” you said as Mia came out with his dry cleaning, a wide smile on her face as she handed Jungkook the bag.

“That’ll be 18.95 please sir.”

He nodded as set his daughter on the ground next to him, pulling out his wallet to give Mia 20 dollars. “You can keep the change, thanks a lot.” Jungkook smiled at Mia before turning to me, “I’ll see you around.” Giving me one last smile before mumbling a small ‘come on baby’ as the two walked out the shop. The young girl turned around and gave me a quick wave bye which I grinned at and returned.

Mia turned to me with a wide smirk wedge on her face, “He was so cute! He was so flirting with you!” She exclaimed clapping excitedly.

You turned to look at her after watching the pair walk down the street, “he was cute but he was not flirting with me, he was a daughter! Meaning he probably has a girlfriend.” You stated giving her a sad look before sitting down on the chair behind the counter. The thought of him going home to another women made you weirdly uncomfortable even though You had just met him.

“You don’t know that y/n, he could be a hot single father for all you know” she replied looking at me with another smile.

“Oh well, I doubt I’ll see him again.” You shrugged like you didn’t care when deep down you knew You were disappointed. He seemed like such a nice guy and for some weird reason he made your heart flutter whenever he spoke. You really wanted to see him again and talk more but you knew it was very unlikely.

She rolled her eyes at your words and got back to her work “whatever you say hun.”

-

Author’s note!- Hi everyone! It’s been awhile since I last updated this fanfic & it’s been awhile since we’ve been active on this account but we’ve just been so busy and we didn’t have time to update. I’m not gonna make any promises as to when chapter 4 is coming out because I have no idea but it won’t be as long a wait as this one was. Again I’m sorry it took so long but I hope you all enjoy!- love anon hobi Xxx

Ok so I'm 19. I've been on tumblr since I was 12, yeah I was probably that annoying 12 year old. But at the time I needed it so badly. Tumblr was the reason I knew basically about LGBT before the gay marriage right arguement. Tumblr helped me figure out that I'm not straight.

The issue is that I grew up in rural MN like my hometown had 200 people. And most were Christian Republican conservatives with stereotypes and all.

I have two older brothers. The oldest was my father figure growing up- hes 9 years older than me and honestly was the only person that showed me support and potentially unconditional love. Around the time he left for college my family had to sell our house and move into an apartment the next town over about (2,000 people). I was about 10 and losing my brothers comfort made me start being depressed. While he was home he was the one who would counteract anything that would have made me feel worthless or unloved, he was there to prove my mother's words wrong. My other brother is 7 years older than me and was in high school and angry at the world at the time. I lost the only real support I had. Our dad worked long hours and I barely ever saw him after we lost the house he went to ND to find work and I saw him even less.

Our mom is very toxic and honestly probably abusive? I've been gas lighted to the point where I have no confidence in any memory, thought or feeling I had unless I have someone next to me to tell me 'no that was real it was like that'. So when my brother were old enough to move out or to have reasons to stay away I was stuck with her and it turned into the my daughter is my best friend. But with that came the complaints on how expensive I was and how bad her life was, how she regrets marrying my dad and then last minute remembering to add 'but at least I have you kids'.

Enter finding tumblr and learning that no there's a world outside this tiny town was one of the things that made middle school and high school so much easier. After I figured out that I was apart of LGBT, my older brother came home. In the time of gay marriage and all the arguements. I looked up to him as someone who would always be on my side and then right when he came home, I had to listen or sometimes argue with him and our mom about 'the gays'.

They were obviously against it and it forced me to hide and bury it for a long time. I would come out to friends if I trusted them or if they had shared they were also not straight but never to my family. After middle school, my mom got a new job and moved us about an hour away.

When I started high school, I found Trevor. He became my best friend and was for about 3 months and then of course asked me out. I didnt like him in that way but I also didnt want to upset him or lose him so I said yes.

We dated for 3 years from freshman year to senior year. In that time he took my virginity, we had taken 3 breaks and I had relatively no friends besides Trevor or his friends. He saw on my tumblr page that I put pansexual (at the time I identified with it) he asked me about it, I explained it and he gave a weird look. We never talked about it much after maybe an occasional hey that girl is cute but nothing really to address it? I was the one who started all of the breaks. I knew that being with him wasn't right for me but he was still my best friend and the one I was closest to. He was the one who was there when I cried and I was there for him. By senior year I was heavily depressed and highly anxious. I got a job after freshman year at a fast food chain, where I worked with his parents, and started PSEO classes my junior year. Between the stress of taking college classes, a struggling relationship, no other support network, and working 20-30 hours a week with high school and living with my mom. I started to break down my senior year, I got a different job that had less hours, since in the middle of my junior year I had gotten promoted to manager at 16 at the fast food chain and worked even more. I started skipping college classes and would just hang out in my car in parking lots so I would go home. Mom had gotten a job that worked nights and would leave at 2pm so I would wait until after she left to go home and just lay in bed. If I did it while she was there I would get told how lazy I was and how I needed to get up.

I started seeing a therapist in October, of course I was only 17 and so I had to have mom come in for the first meeting. The first thing she told my therapist was how she thought that I wasn't screwed up and didnt really need therapy and talked a bit about how she was disappointed. I paid for therapy on my own obviously and after a few weeks I never told my mom when I went to therapy to this day she does not know how many times I went. In December I finally broke up with Trevor for good and a bit later I found my 3 best friends, they are my favorite people they are my big supporters and I'm theirs. They have been there for me no matter what and honestly really showed me what having actually friends was like.

Two of them are also in LGBT and the other not but we all support each other. After we graduated I went to a private college 6 hours away in Wisconsin. I needed to be far from my family but close enough for emergencies especially since my dads mother had cancer and we knew she wouldn't have long.

Before college started I had tot get rid of my car, mom told me that she couldn't keep me on her insurance so I gave it to my brother (middle child). I went off to college, in late September my grandmother died and I went to her funeral (my mom told me I couldn't go because college was too important, I went anyway).

By winter break I realized that I couldn't keep being carless. I had asked my dad for help since I definitely couldn't go to my mom and didnt have any other option (forgot to mention they divorced in 2017 after being separated for about 6/7 years). He helped me and bought me a truck that was $7,000.

Now here is the that start of the reason I'm writing this.

My dad is an alcoholic and has so many fucking DUIs, he should be in prison honestly. But after my parents divorce he started trying to get his license back.

Complicated part is he couldn't stay sober. Or at least not drive while drunk, and with both of our names on the title of this truck I had to get whiskey plates. Honestly I didnt care about the plates but my dad did and told me to try and transfer it into my name only.

We bought the truck in December 2019 and didn't get the title sent to us until May 2020 and if we had gotten it on time this wouldn't be too concerning but sadly not the case. In February he got picked up again and that's the one that cause me to have whiskey plates so I couldn't transfer it into my name if I wanted to. - MN law states that if a truck has whiskey plates it cannot be transfer into a family member or household member, it can be sold but it has to be a fair price no 'gifts'.

And of course its Corona timw and I had to leave college in March- back to mom's house where I got hella depressed again and then had to drop the courses I was trying to take for spring cause I needed to focus on mental health. In May I moved in with my brother-middle one- to his city that is 3 hours away.

It's better but also not quite where I want to be. So since I'm out of mom's and overall just really frustrated with the world I came to terms with wanting to come out to my family, especially my brothers. Earlier this month (August) I did. I told them over dinner since my oldest brother was in town and asking me about my love life and I just said 'I like girls' and they kinda accepted it. Middle brother is hella religious so I knew there was a chance of rejection, all he had to say was that he doesn't quite believe that there can really be a romantic relationship between women, as god intended love to be between a man and woman. But he didnt disown me or kick me out so it's fine. My oldest brother just made a joke about lesbian porn. The next day they followed up a bit with it of hey so you're gay basically. Most of my family is now transphobic instead of homophobic since trans is 'worse'. I dont agree with them but I'm just content for now with not losing my brothers. I've basically cut our mom off and still dont talk to our dad much especially about feelings.

So with this truck that my dad bought me and with the added stress of trying to figure out how to deal with it I decided to trade it in. But went to probably the worst dealership in our area and got conned really. After 8 days of having the new SUV it broke down, the motor through a rod and is basically totaled until a new motor is put in.

And naturally I haven't told anyone in the family besides the brother I live with so about two days after trying to figure out again of what to do. Middle brother calls dad and older brother to help and my anxiety and anger spike. I've never talked about the trauma o went through because of our mom to anyone in the family only the oldest brother but not all of it. Added in the fact that I dont want to accept dads help if hes going to hate or reject me for being gay I am so scared and anxious that I just explode. They came and dad started asking me about why I didnt call him before and why I traded it for the car I did and I'm trying to tell him it's fine well get the truck back I learned my lesson and I'm giving him the truck back, I'll find a vehicle on my own. I am financially able to so he can have to back/sell it.

But he just keeps pushing and then telling me to mellow out and stop being moody. And pushing more so I just scream. And start trying to explain hey I got a bunch of issues and I cant trust you yeah you're my dad but mom made me feel worthless so.

And I'm crying/screaming/sobbing and dads basically at a point of not listening. My oldest brother comforts me and I make him walked away from dad with me as our other brother had come.

I start telling my oldest brother what the h3ll is going on in my head with almost everything. I talk about our mom, how he is my father figure not our dad, how I cant trust our dad and also about my fears with rejection from dad and previous fear of his rejection. I get through most of it and dad and our other brother come to where we are.

Now I have been out to my brothers for about 2-3weeks and my oldest brother deciding to 'help me'? Asks our dad if he would love me any less for being gay. I lose it I get a bit hysterical and start laughing cause for no reason that I can figure out for now really. I hear our middle brother make some comment that I couldnt quite hear but the tone was like an exhausted really vibe to it? And cue our dad saying of course not and trying to talk again about how I should have called and I try again explaining that I cant trust that easily after being alone with mom for basically 8 years and him then trying to tell me that hes not her.

So my family does not understand feelings well but they're there for me apparently and dont hate me ( I still dont fucking believe them). Like they are saying they dont but I haven't really seen any reason to believe that or a sign of unconditional love. I always feel like I'm merely tolerated and on the edge of circles ready to be pushed out at the wrong word.

I still haven't 'come out' to our mom yet and I dont think I'll tell her face to face, she can find out through facebook. I still have so much anxiety about all of this and it's to the point were it's an overall feeling of nothing but with a premonition of something not right or anxiety about something bad happening.

I wanna know what happened to your boss who stole your identity... if you feel like sharing you should make posts about it

i cant believe i woke up to over 20,000 notes on that fweiougbwe;goew OK HERE im gonna do this like a reddit relationships thread:

players are: B (boss/thief 27F), C1 (coworker 59F), C2 (coworker 40sF), and me (24F). not a lot.

i worked with B and C1 at Claire’s for well over a year. they knew i had money and yeah i’d let them borrow money to help pay their rent/car payments/etc and C1 always paid me back within a month but B always was like “ill pay you back soon” which was like ok its fine dont stress just…we have an ongoing relationship so i foolishly doubted she was going to steal from me right in front of my face lol

then B quits Claire’s and starts working at Express, promises me a great job at Express to the point where i’ve applied and filled out paperwork (yknow with my drivers license and my SSN) but that job never happened cuz B quit working there. (this is when B opened her first credit card using my information, for Express! which is a crazy expensive clothing store.)

B gets a job at Sally Beauty and tells me i should come work there (this is in july). well, i’m in grad school and i wasn’t going to work for the month of August cuz of friends coming to visit but i was like sure ill work extremely part-time at a store for hair and makeup since i know literally nothing about hair and makeup. C1 was also asked to come work there since the Claire’s we all used to work at was shut down (bankruptcy lol)

things are going fine for a while, C2 is working at Sally’s now too (she’s B’s aunt and they live together.) in September my parents bought a new house 5 and a half hours away and they ask me to house-sit until they move in, so obviously im gonna do that, so i give my two weeks (i gave more like a month but w/e) and on the day before i leave B calls me and says the reason i havent been getting paid by direct deposit is because they never got my drivers license photo. i say thats weird, did they lose it? and she says they mustve so i send her a pic of my license. cuz obviously i wont be in town to pick up my check so i need direct deposit.

ok so fast forward to this monday, C1 calls me and it starts off normal like “hi how are you howve you been” and then shes suddenly like “i have something important to tell you.” and she says C2 saw mail at her and B’s house with my name on it! C2 was complaining about it at work and C1 was like “wtf?” and thought that was suspicious and told me about it. shes like “make a creditkarma account and you can see any credit cards under your SSN”

i go to make a creditkarma account and weirdly enough theres already one under my SSN! and the email is literally [B’s last name][B’s first name]@outlook.com. she wasnt even being subtle or smart. she really thought i’d just never look or wouldnt care???? i dont KNOW.

so obviously i call all the credit report places and im like freeze everything and put fraud alerts on everything!! and i blocked B’s phone number and i blocked her on facebook cuz even if she had an explanation i genuinely wouldnt care at this point

i went to another credit report site for the details and B not only took out a $5000 loan (she bought a new car recently so probably for that), but she opened 7 other credit cards and applied for 25 others. she started this the DAY i left! theyre mostly credit cards for banks but theres the express card, a target card, a disney card????????? also B put her actual phone number and address into the system so theres no doubt that its her.

and then C1 calls me again to tell me that B quit her job at Sally Beauty less than an hour ago and im wondering if she knew i knew or coincidence? since B steals from companies she usually only works at each one for a few months each

so ok, tuesday morning i call the police and then i have to call every single bank and credit union to cancel these stupid fucking cards. i was on the phone for 6 hours (wouldve been longer but i had my online class) just repeating the same info over and over again. and then the police call me back like “so we just spoke to B, she played dumb for a bit but then confessed to everything” and that was a HUGE relief except that i still have 12 more card applications to cancel. cop said “she didnt really have an explanation other than she’d fallen on hard times” and i just…….dont care especially when she quits every job shes store manager of after less than a year. and yea she has two kids and a bum husband and a supportive close family

and it’s now wednesday afternoon cuz i slept thru the morning but i have to call all these other places AND i’m gonna have to drive 5 and a half hours back to my hometown for court sometime in the next two weeks. plus i have to fill out like 30 affidavits for all these banks and credit unions and give them the police report so they know im not lying

also my credit score has gone down significantly because of that Express card she got in March (she’d been doing minimum payments allowed so i wouldnt get notified despite racking up $475 at this one ugly store)

in less than a month she opened $20,000 worth of credit and spent $8400 of it. and since she just QUIT her job i can assume she wasnt planning on paying off any of that debt lol

anyway that’s where i’m at now, i dont know if shes going to jail or what. she sure as hell cant pay any fines. PLUS she already owed me $450 and i was gonna cut her some slack on it but now i want my $450 back lmao

My Diary to the SPN Finale

Day 4. 

I overslept my alarm and was almost late for work. Normally. I have a terrible time staying asleep. Most of you who message me know Im up at 4am sometimes. My life is very stressful so its very hard to sleep, so when I wake up at 4am I always put the boys on, watch one or 2 episodes and go back to sleep/ Last night and the night before however, I slept straight through and past my alarm. “This is great!” one may think, but I spent all day exhausted anyway. What I think is happening, is that even though my body is too tense to rest, it knows to spend an hour or 2 with the boy's won't help. 

I went to work, forgot what I was doing a bunch of times, and forgot how to do some things I've done a bunch of times. I have to make up excuses, I can't say “My fav show is ending and I'm devastated” or people will think I'm nuts. 

At work, all I want to do is come home. But at home, my kids are breaking my heart, my pets are making me insane, and my house is falling apart, and my “security blanket” now feels like jagged sandpaper on my heart.

I'm not a drug user, nor much of a drinker (socially at best) but how stupid is it, that now I want to do both?  Im actually jealous now of those who can drink or pop enough pills to be numb. My vice is smoking. Yesterday I lit a smoke when I left work and a customer said “That shit will kill you” and I answered “I sure hope so”  Im going to give you all a little background history of me, Its ok if you stop reading now, but follow along if you dare😳

Im 52 and have had clinical depression my entire life. At the very least since I was 4. I dont know how it started but its been there as long as I can remember. needless to say my childhood sucked. Anything that could go wrong did. Im terminally single, unattractive, and perpetually poor even though Ive gone to college twice and have 3 degrees. Ive had 4 failed suicide attempts, my first was when I was 12 and ate 30 +\- asprin which only gave me bleeding ulcers and liver damage and 2 years of therapy that was worthless.

In Jan 2014, my life changed. I came into a good sized inheritance from an uncle who was a retired Army Sgt (mujch more about that I dont know other than he fought in Korea) and was left $50,000. (as were each of my sisters) I didnt go nuts and spend this right away, my daughter, father, and I were living in a decent apartment and  was saving it for a down payment on a house. My sisters all used their money to pay off their mortgages and other bills. I was looking for a nice house to buy, but even with $50K I wasnt sure I could handle the property taxes and utilities that had been previously covered by my landlord. My father decided that stairs were no longer something he could handle, so he moved in with my younger sister, so decided that I would just pay a lot of up front rent on our apt and stay there a few more years, but no, the landlord informed us they were selling in 3 months and there was no guarentee the buyer would want to rent out our unit. 

Then my car died, which was what was getting my daughter and I back and forth to work. Now I have to dip into the money and get a car. I got a $7000 used car that we shared and as soon as the warrenty was up, everything failed. After spending $2000 for repairs and it was still falling apart, I get another one... cheaper this time, but hey, it runs. 

Time goes by, we have 30 days to move out, as predicted, the buyer didnt want to rent our unit out, he wanted to move his mother in. So now Im scrambling to find something to move into in 30 days I find a trailer that seemed like it would be a good fit for just me and my dauhter, lots of room, 2 bathroom a nice yard. Im just about to buy said trailer and the park informs me its been sold because a buyer offered cash. Im like “Ummm I have cash too!” and theyre like “oh.... we were unaware.... but hey we have another one for you” and this one is much smaller, but a newer model so it wont need as much work. With 2 weeks left to move, I reluctantly take it. Now, we move, but with no one and I mean absolutely NO ONE to help us, we left 90% of our belongings in our old apartment because we cant lift shit and neither of us could rent a truck, we only brought what we could carry out. and I had to spend the rest of the money on furnature. Of course I lost my security deposit and also had to pay an additional $2000 for “clean up” of my old apt. 

Fast forward to March 1 2015, Im back to broke but still working my ass off. My dryer is broke, my AC and heater, the back door has been leaking quietly for so long you cant step within 2 feet from it or youll go through the floor. Theres a crack in my bathtub that has leaked under the house and is causing my back yard to slowly sink. My daughter works and together we can afford the lot ren, utilities and food. Nothing extra though. We were saving to start fixing things but trying to decided what was most important, and what was most costly. The dryer is cheapest, the leaky tub and sinkling yard is the most expensive but HAS to be done at some poijnt. I buy space heaters and wall unit ACs but that gives me $300 electric bills LOLOL. However I am introduced to SPN and these wonderful boys that I love instantly, and gives me an escape. Helps keep me sane. 

We get things almost together, then suddenly, my father died from the flu Feb 1st 2018. This day was the worst day of my life, it was also the night Various and Sundary Villians aired and after all the tears with my sisters and trying to get arrange,ents made, ALL I could think of was coming home and just escaping into my boys for a while. And I did, and it was a blessing. However, within a couple months, my younger sister and I are hit with my dads bills. Hospital bills, credit cards, car payments on a H3 Hummer he bought a few months before. My older sisters didnt get hit with this because they’re his step children, just my younger sister and I do. $30,000 of debt split between my younger sister and I. I havent been able to pay on any of it because they dont give me any option for low payments. Its like “$1500 by whatevermonth 30th or we take you to court” My sister is handling it ok because her husband makes $$$ but not enough to help me too. So, right now Im just keeping my house heated and my kid and I fed and my lot rent paid. Soon my wages will be garnished and I wont have that either and it will be all on my daughter. Now, my escape, the last thing in my whole world I enjoy is ending. So yes.... Im hurting. 

^^those photos are all taken by me. Use them ig you want but please credit me.

Hello people!

How was your week? I had a fairly good week, it was hectic and tiring but it was good until i caught a cold.

Monday: Monday since i didnt have to work i stayed home laminating my interactive material and when T came home from work we went to Emart. He bought me a really cute watch since i needed it for classes since i didnt want to keep checning my phone, he wanted to buy a smart watch for both of us (hahaha i sound like we can just buy those things whenever we want but no, we save up for those type of things) but i dont want one because i geniuenly dont have a need for one, anyway we bought stuff at emart and came home. I thought at the time i had avoided the cold i thought i caught on Sunday.

Tuesday: went to work, every tuesday staff reuinion at the center and then i went to my first class the 27 m/o baby, he is really cute and you can notice he is somewhat understanding what i am teaching him but he cant speak yet so its tough to tell for sure. The second class was new kid i was added and he is the type of kids that ..are difficult, the mother had forgotten the class was on tuesdays at 6:30 and my boss forgot to call her to confirm (usually teachers do that but she said since im a forgeiner she would do it) besides they gave me the families old address thankfully the new house was a street away. The boy was not having it, he did not want to have class and he was just doing whatever the fuck he wanted, most of my students are young so its normal for them to get distracted but you can tell the difference when they get natrually distracted because they include me in their distraction for examole the baby boy keeps trying to gwt mw to play ball with him, or anotherone that just telling me about pokemon but this boy did not give a fuck about me or the class he was just difficult but i was like whatever i will go through if the class and maybe its just because he's tired, so who knows but when i was going his mom gave him an orange and he just threw it on the floor and smeared it with his foot as if it was funny and his mom said nothing so ..he still seems a bit difficult.

Wednesday: t was at home for the morning but had to go to work that night so i decided to make lunch for both of us: carne asada, refired beans a co-worker who grew up in Guatemala gave me and cilantro rice i made with the left over cilantro the Pho place gave me. I went to work at 4, and when i got to my students house i noticed he had a cold and i immediately was like "uh-oh" you know how kids are (he is 3) they dont cover their nose, whipe their nose with their hands and then touch you and your stuff. After class i came home and later that night my throat started feeling weird.

Side note: my mom would always make soup and salad everyday for lunch and dinner (same thing for both meals as is common in Colombia) and without fail they had cilantro ALWAYS! So i grew up eating cilantro, but it wasnt until i moved to Korea and the first time eating mexican food with T he was like "oh no the taste of cilantro is too strong i cant eat this" and i was like "Cilantro has a taste????" Like i grew up eating that in soups and stuff, never on its own so i never recognized the taste, let alone believe it was strong, i just thought it was a must for food like salt or whattever, the only other thing i new of cilantro was that it makes you sleepy, so if there was too much on our food it was like "mom is trying to make us chill" idk if its true or its just placeboo at this point since i grew up hearing it thus believing it. So yeah, i didnt know cilantro had a taste of its own until i moved to Korea, thankfully T has learned to like it but he judges me when i add a bit too much.

Thursday: my throat was even more irritated that morning but i felt fine in general, t had the day off so i made lunch again: arroz con pollo. I went to work, T took me to my classes on his new scooter motorcycle and while he waited he went shopping. My second student on thrusdays is a bitbhard because he is all over the place distracted and skipping all the steps but its okay because at least he looks excited for the class. Then i had my last class and went out to eat dinmer with T, by this time my throat was in so much pain it hurt to talk but the rest of me felt fine, we went to Kondae to eat Makchang (i think its the large intestine of the pork) and then i bought a leather jacket more like i bought a fake leather jacket because T has been dying to see me in a leather jacket (boy shoulda seen me at 16) idk why so now he can finally stop talking about it.

Friday: my throat felt better so i thought i had avoided getting a cold, i went to the center to pick up my class materials for next week and for the new student on fridays my boss had only told me about the night before. I went back home and since T again had the day free we went to the bank to open a family account, then he took me to my class, i was nervous because i had been told the kids mom is scary but when i arrived there (a bit late since i had forgotten something and had to go back to the center) they were so nice, their appartment is amazing, its huge and has a beautiful view people say celebreties live in those buildings too which explains the amount of security in the complex which is odd for most korean apartments. The mom was so nice, the dad too and their little boy is wonderful too so idk what they wete talking about tbh. When class finished we came back home, took all my pants (all except one i recently bought) a skirt and a dress to the seamstress because they were too big on me now and the lady was like "why are they so big??" "Its hard for you to find clothes the fit well, right? (it is) since you have a butt (i dont i just store most of my fat in my thighs and hips but not the butt) but your waist is so small" then when she got to the dress she seemed troubled because it was more work than what it seemedm we paid 90 bucks which is apparently expensive? Idk how since she has to do a lot of work on my clothes, 7 items and 2 items for T. Then we came home and i started to feel sick again, when bed time came i was completely sick.

Today: sleeping was terrible, i kept choking in my sleep because i have a stuffy nose and a very swollen throat. T woke up at all hours trying to help me feel better, giving me wster and medicine, i felt so bad since he had to wake up early but there he was taking care of me at like 4 am. When he woke up for work all i remember is him telling our cat "Bean, mom is sick be nice to her today and take care of here" aside from that being cute on its own i actually think she listend to him, although bean is very sweet she has moments when she likes to bully me, trip me ovet, bite my legs or scratch my hands (only me she never does that to T even if he was the one annoying her she takes it out on me) but today she has been so sweet and calm, no yelling or demanding snacks, no bullying just love.

At one my MIL took me to the doctors, they somehow always mention the fact i got surgery on my nose for allergy reasons and say something i cant fully understand and no one can translate for me but i am starting to feel the surgery was a waist of money, my allergies are back (not as bad as before but their back) and everytime i get a cold it fucks me up so hard. Then when comming home my MIL bought me so much pastries and bread because i didnt want lunch or let her pay for my medicine.

Sometimes i look at T and feel so lucky i have a husband that is so sweet, selfless and careing but then i see his parents and im like yep that makes sense. His parents have always been so sweet and understanding, the accepted me for me get go and have always treated me like a daughter, sometimes i tease T telling him his dad loves me more than than him haha his parents helped pay for my surgery back when we had only been dating for a year (my parents couldnt afford it i mean back at home they could but Korean money is much more expensive than Colombian money) and now everytime i mention trying to pay them back they wont have it.

I also noticed i have three big bruises on my legs i have no idea where they came from. Its annoying because everytime i hurt myself and say "oh this is gonna leave a bruise" there is no bruise to be found, but then these bruises appear and its like for you to be so big and persistent shouldnt i remember what your from???

Tomorrow: T and i finally both have the same free day, but this fucking cold will probably ruin it all so who knows.

Anyways that was my week, i hope you all had a good week too!

hi i just need to be really dramatic and long winded bc if i dont get it Out im going to fucking explode

ive actually been trying really hard this semester with my thesis and its REALLY fucking difficult for me. my depression makes me catatonic and unable to complete simple tasks or be motivated to do literally anything; my anxiety paralyzes me at the slightest unexpected change and then obsess over whether everyone in my life hates me because of my anxiety; my sleep schedule is constantly fucked and my doctor is unhelpful; my bdd will sidetrack me from my work and responsibilities for literal hours or days, and sometimes if its feeling spicy send me on a full scale fucking breakdown; and my adhd makes all this shit worse on TOP of all the NORMAL adhd shit. like thats just!!! my life!!!! at all times!!!!! and there have been several times where i have genuinely considered leaving this program or not continuing school after bc i was so fucking overwhelmed and exhausted and scared but i didnt!!! like i make a lot of jokes about procrastinating and wasting my time and doing the least and whatever but in reality its really fucking difficult for me even when im medicated!!! but i dont like admitting that bc of all my exhausting childhood baggage and shit but that is not the point of this rant so anyway

this semester i made a specific effort to try and be a better student even tho all of this stuff has been exacerbated by grad school. i felt i owed it to my director and one of my committee members because theyve been so fucking helpful and put their faith in me and took a lot of their time to help me. i wanted to show them i was worthy of it and capable of being a good student who does all the shit she’s supposed to do, does it well, and does it on time. i overloaded my fall semester and nearly lost my goddamn mind JUST to have a lighter class load this semester so i could focus most of my time on my thesis (like for real that was actually incredibly stupid of me. i lost almost 30 pounds from september to december without conscious effort just because i was so fucking stressed. not a brag and actually kind of concerning bc that has LITERALLY never happened to me). it has been like....significantly taxing, but i wanted to show them how much i appreciate their time and effort and help by being responsible and respectful. my Trying Hard is a lot of people’s Barely Doing Their Best and i know that. turning something in 2 hours early is below average for some but for me, literally anything more than 30 minutes before its due is an actual goddamn miracle. but i wanted to work hard and do things right for my committee members because they deserve it

this christmas my parents asked what i wanted and the ONLY thing i asked for was help with my library dues. last year from like march to october i was significantly depressed and entirely out of my head, and i racked up some pretty bad overdue fees. i didnt even ask them to pay all of it, just some of it. less than $100. im really truly grateful for the gifts they DID get me, but i didnt ask for them for any of it, and my overdue fees were left alone. i was under the impression that they got paid and, like a fucking idiot, i didnt check up on it to confirm. ive been so hell deep in my thesis and teaching and grading and applying to phd programs and looking for apartments and shit that it really just slipped my fucking mind!!! crazy!!!!

today i was in crisis bc i thought i fucked up with scheduling my defense/exam/whatever the fuck. im going to call it defense and i dont give a shit bc everyone calls it some other shit and i dont CARE. anyway i really thought i fucked up but i went and talked it out with my director and it was all sorted out. i’ve gotten like 50% of her feedback on my thesis draft, which i’ve incorporated, and im waiting on comments from another reader (the other helpful person on my committee). we have to run some dumbass software before scheduling, so i ran it today and tried to schedule it but couldnt bc theres a hold on my account. i went on a fucking....ALMIGHTY QUEST to figure it out and i finally discovered that guess what!!!!!!! its my GODDAMN LIBRARY OVERDUE FEES!!!!!! THAT I THOUGHT WERE PAID!!!!!!! i had to pay them myself which is fine idc but it takes several days to process. this fucks up my life on SEVERAL levels

for one, its fucking impossible to get a hold of my third committee member. she is a vapor in the wind. shes like super busy and thats all good and well but the point is theres like zero communication there. i finally got confirmation on a defense date from all 3 members and had been literally planning MY ENTIRE LIFE around this date. after todays first scheduling crisis i was so happy i was still on track, but now this? now i have to wait 3-4 days before i can even SCHEDULE the defense. the super delightful part is that we have to schedule a minimum of 2 weeks in advance. so now i cant schedule my defense until tuesday at the absolute earliest, but that ALSO bumps my defense date several days ahead. i have no fucking clue if my committee is going to agree on another day that works for everyone bc theyre all busy as shit and we’d been working toward the original date for weeks if not months, and im so fucking upset because this is exactly what i DIDNT want to have happen. i havent tried to email them yet because im hoping beyond fucking hope i can call somebody at the university tomorrow and see if the hold is something else besides the fee, but it makes me sick to think of having to be like “oh sorry i know i constantly fuck up everything ever and im a piece of shit but can we change this date we’ve had set since january because i was an extra shitty piece of shit this time??” like OHHH MY GODDDDD

and the thing thats really fucking with me is that like, yes its my fault but this one time its not ENTIRELY 100% my fault. i asked for a favor and had the understanding that it was taken care of. yes the fees were my doing and yes i shouldve checked but oh my fucking god. i feel like all the effort ive put into being a better student this semester has been for fucking nothing because im going to have to email my committee asking for a different date and ruin all their fucking lives and theyll be so disappointed in me. i have like legitimately been crying on and off about it since like 4:30 today

it so shitty in and of itself but i especially dont want to do this to my director bc she is legitimately the reason im finishing this program AND that im going to a phd program. a year ago i’d barely spoken 20 words to her but she still agreed to be a reader on my committee just because she heard me explain my thesis for all of 30 seconds and decided to give it a try. she literally had not read a song of ice and fire at the time and she started reading them for me to help me with my thesis. in the fall when my original director basically threatened to leave my committee if i didnt change all my ideas, my current director stepped in and helped me and talked me through it and then offered to take her place even though my research is BARELY distantly related to hers. through all of this she’s been so insanely patient with me, super encouraging of my ideas both in this project and in others, helped me decide whether it was right for me to get my phd immediately after my masters, proofed and edited and helped me with ALL my phd application materials, and STILL is in the process of reading these goddamn books just to be a better director. i have lost my head so many times and shes always been there to help me figure my shit out, and i wanted to have it figured out for once. how stupid of me

like bumping the date isnt the end of the whole world but its really not just about the fact that i have to reschedule. i was trying real goddamn hard to be a better student this semester and i REALLY fucking owed it to my director and other reader, but especially director, and i still managed to fuck up this bad. i feel like such a DISAPPOINTMENT and it just will not leave my brain bc im so mad at myself. i tried watching shows and youtube compilations about game of thrones and shit but now my bf is asleep and im alone and its all i can think about. im so fucking tired of being the person i am honestly and i dont mean that in an edgy way its just like jesus christ i wish there was less shit wrong with me. i wish i had any kind of willpower or discipline so i couldve learned these skills and been a better student from the start. i wish i wasnt a giant piece of shit!!!!! 

and now im going to be up late being anxious about all this which means that i will, once again, wake up late but also still be really exhausted, which means i’ll do a shitty job teaching and get overwhelmed by everything and who the fuck knows what fun bullshittery will ensue because of it. i am so fucking tired of me and my fuckery and the fact that it fucks with other people even why i try so hard for it not to. tired!!!!!!!! fucking tired

A/N:Hello! Im back with a new one. Ive been busy but hope you huys like it!

You can ask me anything and request anything if you like! ✨

~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~

You and Jin met in middle school. You were two years younger then him. He was your senpai in a way. He was alone and you sat by his side to make him company and thats where all started. You two love food, animals, coffee and other stuff. You two began to hang out and even though he graduated and moved to another school for high school. You two would still be in contact. You guys would hang out in arcades, at the pool, having picnic or just a sleep over in his house or yours. You guys were having the best days.

One day he came to you and told you he was a trainee at Big Hit. You were so excited and hugged him. You fully knew that was his dream and you were gonna be there to support him. Also you were beginning to have feelings for him. You dont want to be away from him, you want him to know that youll be there for him, that you care for him, you loved him and that he was everything to you. You didnt dare to tell him yet.

Months have passed, days, hours and you were close to all the members. You brought them food almost every day made by you so they will eat well. Also they debuted and they were being successful. You were happy to see Jins dream coming true, for you studying was hard but it was all worth it to have a future. Thank God you took clases online because you couldnt stand being in a room full of people and having to dress all days just to go to college was something you didnt want. But you could dress up all days for Jin. Yes you love him and still you havent confessed to him. You began to be very shy around him again and talking more to the others. Jin noticed this and one day he took you out of the practice room and placed you to the wall.

“Jin.. wh-whats wrong?”you stuttered. And looked down.

He looked at you and sighed” Why dont you talk to me so much? We used to talk a lot non stop.. did i did something wrong?” He said sad and you grabbed his hand

“No.. you havent done anything bad.. i just...”you kept silent. Thinking if you should tell him.

“Y/N... whats wrong? Is something bothering you?..i would do anything for you to be confortable you know?.. and i have something to tell you.. im gonna explode if i dont tell you.. i.”he bit his lips and looked at you in the eyes” i like you.. like a lot..and i cant stand you talking more with the others than me.. i know we dont like go together because now im a singer.. and having this life is difficult.. plus having someone its even more harder..i..”he kept silent. You looked at him.. you began to tear up and hugged him

“We can work this out.. i like you too.. Jinnie.. i.. ive fallen for you.. but i didnt know how yo say it to you. “You said all shy and he smiled widely.

“So.. you are telling me that.. like a year ago i could have tell you how i felt and we would be Girlfriend and boyfriend by now?”he got closer to you. You blushed immediately and nodded. He chuckled and placed a finger on your chin to make you look at him. He slowly got closer to you and your lips met. It was a sweet and tender kiss. It was better than you expected, he hugged you by the waist still kissing you gently and softly. After a few 5 minutes you two parted and immediately you hide your face in his chest. He laughed at your action and placed a kiss on your head.

“I have to go back sweetie.. ill text you or call you later okay? I love you..”he smiled and walked away waving at you. You only looked at him blushing and waving back at him.

Day by day your relationship was great, amazing, he was lovely, caring, made food for you and had the best dates. But there were times when you two fought because of his work. You knew it would be difficult but its more difficult when you see him on TV flirting with other women because thats his charm. You miss him so much, everyday. And the calls and text are less and less each day since they got even more famous. Going to USA, Japan, Europe and winning the billboard for the first time. You began to feel lonely in your home, you just wanted him to be there by your side. But even though distance is hard between a couple you knew he would never hurt you or chest on you. Besides his members wouldnt let him in any way.

4 years have passed already, four years of relationship, of good and bad moments. But you werent feeling good one day. You felt sick, your hair was falling constantly. You didnt know what was going on but you thought it was something you ate. So you didnt bother to go to a hospital. You told Jin and he immediately got home.

“Babe are you okay?? How do you feel?”he says softly.

“Im better.. but i still very sick..”you said softly..”can we cuddle? Ive missed you a lot... i feel lonely..”you said with tears and he hugged you.

“Im sorry... i know.. but bare with me babe.. im here.. imma do all i can to be here more often or bring you with me..”he says and you smiled softly.

You two cuddle until you fell asleep in his arms. He just admired you and brushed your hair when he noticed he had brought a lot of your hair in his hand. He was in shock. You were losing hair, this wasnt normal. Usually you dont lose that many hair when brushing it. He began to worry even more. He sighed and kissed your cheeks. “I love you..”he said softly..

“I love you too...”you said in your sleep and he giggled.

Three months have passed and you felt even more sick than ever. But you didnt tell anything to Jin. You just pretended to be okay for him. Today you were gonna have a date with him. He sent you a box with all you should wear today. You were very excited so you prepared yourself for today, doing makeup, hair and everything. Jin knocked on the door and you went to open it up and there he was with a bouquet of sunflowers and chocolate. He looked so good in that pink button up shirt and black pants.

“Hello beautiful. How are you today? You look stunning..”he smirked and gave you the flowers.

You giggled and smiled”Thank you handsome. You look amazing, that color suits you..”you gave him a quick peck on the lips.

“Mm thanks. Shall we go princess?”he smiled and you nodded.

Both of you went out of the house. It was a very romantic and planned date, he was like a prince and taking good care of you. You loved him and that wasnt a doubt. You two had so much fun talking about everything, eating, drinking and suddenly the other members, your family and his got there. You frowned and looked at him quickly. He was on his knees and you gasped placing your hands on your mouth to hide it. You didnt expect this, you teared up and he began saying:

“Y/N.. we met in middle school in the cafeteria. You sat by my side and talked to me. You were my first friend and only one since then. We fell in love and began our love story 4 years ago. I cant imagine living without you. I promis to take care of you, to make you happy and be there for you always.. i knew from that start that i wanted to be with you forever. That you are the perfect one for me even thought we dont always match or get along in something’s. I love you and.. Y/N would you marry me?”he said wit the biggest smile. You looked at everyone around with tears in your eyes, you looked at him again and nodded non stop. He stood up placed the ring on your finger and hugged you. “I love you princess..” he said and you started crying even harder.

“Also babe.. i want to plan our wedding for the next month. I want to be your husband immediately. “He smiled and you laughed.

“Hahaha really? I mean if you want me that badly why not do it in two weeks?” You said joking

“Thats not bad! Lets do it! I already have things that i want. Lets discuss it later okay?” He said.

You blinked a few times and smiled.”okay..”

He kissed you again softly and you responded. After the dinner and date, he took you home and he made love to you.

Two weeks have passed and today was the day were you and Jin were getting married, everything was planned, it was gonna look beautiful and it was a simple wedding. The most expensive of it all would be the honeymoon and both of your dresses and his. Your friends were helping you get ready. One did your makeup, the other your hair, other helped you put on the dress. You looked perfect, like a princess thats gonna get married to her prince charming. You smiled widely looking at yourself in the mirror.. You still felt very sick but you did all you could to be fine today in your wedding. The girls told you to go since it was time and off you go.

Everything went perfectly and now you were at the reception to dance, eat and have a good time. You were in your second dress, more light and easy to walk. You were looking at Jin dancing with his band mates. You smiled widely but suddenly you felt dizzy, sick, headache, and you passed out.

Jin noticed quickly and went to you. Trying to wake you up but nothing helped. He quickly carried you and went off to the hospital.

*FlashBack to one week ago*

You went to the doctor to get a check up. Because you were still very sick and your hair lose was worrying you too. So you went, waited to be checked. When you went inside and they checked you, gave you a paper to do all the exams and test. You went that same day.. and in a matter of 30 minutes your resulta were available. You went to the doctor again and he gave you the news that you had Cancer. You looked at the doctor in shock at first, but you slowly came to realize what he just said. Tears started to fall, silence among the office and you cried hard. But the worst thing is that the cancer is very advanced and its taking over your body. You cried even more. You stood up and went out, you paid and got to your car. You cried non stop on the way home and you didnt tell anything to Jin. You want him to be happy, you would do anything in your hands for him..

*End of the Flashback*

When he arrived at the hospital, they immediately took you. They did blood test and everything. After a few hours they came to him and said the news that you had terminal cancer. He kneeled down and cried hysterically. His band mates came in that exact moment and hugged him.

“Jin Hyung.. whats wrong?”said JK

“Tell us.. we are here for you..” said RM..

“Y/N...Y/N has terminal cancer “ he cried out loud and they all looked at each other.

“You need to be strong for her Jin hyung..she needs you now more than ever..”Suga said and brushed his hair.

“Suga is right Hyung” said Taehyung.”Its gonna be tough.. but we are with you too Hyung..”he said softly.

Jin stopped crying loud and tried to calm down. He nodded and hugged them.”Thank you guys.. thank you..” he sat down and sighed hiding his face crying again in silence. He felt useless as if he didnt do anything for you. He wasnt home often, the fights, he remembered them all. “i need to do something for her.. i feel like an idiot..i need to show her how much i love her!..”he said softly to his band mates. They all looked at one another and RM smiled.

“I know what you can do.. write your feelings.. what you want to let her know..”RM said softly

“Yeah! Thats a great idea..”said suga”I can help you with the beat.”

Jin looked at them and thought about it” i think is the best way to express my feelings for her.. i love my wife.. i love her.. i.. cant live without her..”he says softly”She is everything to me.. she has been in all stages of my life.. “

Suddenly the doctors came and spoke to Jin. They told him everything and let him go see you. He quickly went and opened the door to see you with the oxygen tubes on your nose, your hair still on fleak, he approached to you and kissed your forehead. “Jagi im here.. i love you..”he said..

You opened your eyes and looked at him smiling softly”Hey honey.. i love you..more.. im sorry i didnt say anything to you..”you teared up and he hugged you.

“Shh.. its okay.. its okay.. im gonna make you more happy.. im gonna do everything for you.. we will go through this until the end.. i love you so much “he kissed you softly and you kissed back with tears. You really love this man very much. He is everything to you.

After two weeks you were released from the hospital. You guys went to have a dinner, then to the park and went home.

“Honey... i want to watch a movie and cuddle up with you...”you said with a low voice.

“What do you want to watch? Something romantic or something funny?”he smiled at you.

“Hmm... lets watch comedy. I want to hear your laughter. “You said with a smile and his heart broke. Why? Because he forgot how to laugh ever since he found out about your cancer. He wasnt himself and he would only pleased you. He looked at you and nodded

“Okay Jagi! Go to bed and ill be right there with the movie alright?”he went to look up a movie and you went to the bedroom. After a few minutes he went up and saw you on the bed all dressed up in a sexy silk short bed dress. He smiled widely. “Wow.. baby... you look amazing!”he hugged you tight and kissed your forehead.”so sexy.. you know how much that dress drives me crazy..”he smirk and you blushed.

“Haha.. it wasnt my intention..or maybe it was” you winked and he laughed hard. You smiled and hugged him. You loved and missed his laughter.. “i like it when you laugh... i know that you are trying to make everything for me.. to make me more happy.. to be with me and pleased me... but lets be happy together.. lets be pleased together.. yeah? It makes me happy seeing you laugh.. lets go normal again? Yeah? Lets just live the moment. Can you do that for me?”you grabbed his face and looked at him with teary eyes and he looked at you with teary eyes too. Jin just nodded and kissed you softly. But that kissed became a needy one and hungry. That ended up in bed making love to one another.

The next morning he had to work so he left you a letter, he made you breakfast and did everything before work. When he got to the company the guys were waiting for him.

“Jin hyung!”said suga very cutely for some reason.

“Oh.. hey Suga.. whats up?”he said relaxed.

“I fixed a bit the song you composed and its great. I cried so much just so you know”he smiled with his gummy smile.

“Really?? Wow.. thank you!”said Jin happy.

“Now you need to go to RM”suga said and Jin did as he said. He knocked on the door of his studio.

“Namjoon? Are you here? Its me..” said Jin

“Jin Hyung! Come on in.. Jhope just picked the beat and now we need to record” Rm looked at him.”You okay?”

“Yeah im okay. And thank you for helping me.”he smiled .

“Anything for you and your wife Hyung”Rm smiled”Now lets work”he giggled and Jin nodded.

They began the recording process, they record plenty more to make sure he was doing it right. Then the hearing if its okay, fixing mistakes, etc. After 9hr working and doing everything they finished it and it was done and good to go. He smiled and went home. When he arrived you were in the bathroom vomiting blood. You didnt felt good. Your cancer was killing you, it was advancing.

“Jagi? Are you here love?”he said softly. You didnt respond. “Baby? “He ran quickly to your bedroom, you werent there, he went to the bathroom and there you were sitting, looking all weak and pale. He bit his lips trying not to cry and sat down by your side rubbing your back.”You okay? Need to go to the hospital?”he said softly and you said no with your head. He picked you up and hugged you. He walked to the bedroom and laid you there softly, then he cuddle you up to his chest.”Jagi... i want you to hear me.. can you?”he saids with a smile and kissed your forehead. You just nodded weakly.

He began to sing softly.

‘We're too different

You know that well

We aren't able to embrace

Each other's realities

 "I don't understand"

"I don't remember"

Words that will always just be words

I don't expect them

 I love you (x5)

To your warm touch...

 I love you, I love you

I love you, I love you

I love you, I love you

 To your warm touch...

 Please hold me

Please catch me’

You were crying softly and he felt your tear since the were falling on to his shirt.

“Dont cry Jagi.. i love you”he kissed you softly and you responded the same way. You loved this man so much. He was everything to you and you are everything to him. After a while both of you went to sleep. It was a peaceful night until you got up and ran to the bathroom. You were feeling more ill than ever and began to vomit and fell on the floor of the bathroom. “Agh... mm...”you tried to get up but you didnt have strength, hou felt your vision getting more blurry and blurry until you passed out. Jin immediately heard something hit the floor and ran to the bathroom. There you were all weak and unconscious. He panicked but tried to relax. He picked you up and soon he was driving to the hospital crying non stop. He texted his band mates. He got to the hospital and they took you. He just sat in the waiting room and cried in silence. The boys got there as soon as possible, saw him and hugged him tight, all of them and Jin broke crying out loud. “I dont want to lose her... i cant lose her please...”he said with a crack on his voice.

“Shhh she will get better hyung”said Jimin.

“Try to stay calm okay?”said Namjoon.

After a few hours the doctors came and talked to Jin. You were in a room but they said you wont make it. He froze and bit his lips. They had you in intensive care but you were no longer in the body. You were not gonna wake up. He immediately went to see you. He grabbed you hand softly, kissed it, kiss your forehead and your lips.”Jagi... i dont know if youll hear me but.. here i go.. i love you with all my heart... the day i first met you was.. like magic.. i fell in love with you in an instant. Youre my everything... with you i have it all.. without you. Im empty... i love you so damn much.. if i lose you ill lose my mind but... dont fight if you cant no more... if you have to leave me do it.. i know youll take care of me from heaven.. i know youll be watching me and supporting me.. i.”he broke crying but tried to finish” im so glad i met you and have you as my wife.. youre the love of my life forever and ever. Ill miss you..”he kissed your lips softly and when he finished kissing you.... you passed away. He could hear the machines going blank. He bit his lips hard and cried softly, he hugged you one last time. He went out the room and the boys were there outside.

“Hyung! What happened?”said Jungkook.

“She... she is not with us anymore..she passed.. away..”his lips trembled and tears were falling down his cheeks. Everyone gasped and their eyes went wide. They immediately hugged him.

Months have passed since you passed away, Jin was okay but he was missing his other part: you. They were on tour and nobody knew you passes away. Only Bighit employees and the guys. He misses you so much. When they went up stage and sang all of the song in this new comeback and stuff. They got to the end were they all thank and say how much they love ARMY. Bow it was Seokjins turn.

“Armyyyyyyyyyy!!!”he said with a smile. “Aaaaarrrrmyyyyyyy”he said playing.” Um.. i wanted to thank all of you and the staff for everything. Army is the reason why i wake up.. and keep going.. because..”he started to tear up.” As you all knew i got married.. and my Jagi is everything to me... i loved that woman with all my heart. But for the past few months ago she got ill and.. she died three month ago..”his voiced cracked and cried in silent ,the others cried too.”she was everything to me.. i feel empty but.. im glad im here today in front of you Army.. and sing this special song that.. is dedicated to my wife..”he smiled with tears and he began to sing ‘I love you’.

A/N: Hope you guys enjoyed! 😭💜

Random fun (aka not) story time

Trigger warnings: sexual harassment and rape.

I’m just throwing all my personal shit up so I can move on and have it all out there. 

I feel like one thing that needs to be known about me is that when I’m at work I’m a generally kind and cheerful person (or at least a damn good actress at being that person). I work front desk at a busy hotel and I always smile and greet every single guests and wish them either a good morning or good night depending on the time of day. And yes I do make small talk with the guests and sometimes with the regulars have full on conversations. I have a few regulars that I can tell you their entire life story after just a few weeks, but that’s because while I’m at work I’m not me I’m the person they need. We have a lot of oil field workers in right now who are away from home for months so I give them a friendly cheerful confidant to talk to to feel a little less lonely. Because guess what? That’s what I’m paid to be. And the last 24 hours has shown me how men can take that and twist that to fit their narrative or what they want from me.

It started with man A. He’s a semi regular (I’ve seen him at least twice since starting in July) and has never given me a problem before, but I’ve only encountered him on second shift. I was warned by the girl on second that he was weird last night and I dismissed it because I hadn’t had that kind of encounter with him. He came down at 2 am to wait for his ride that was suppose to be there around 2:30 which was fine but I had other things to do. Instead I got roped into a conversation with him that started with either the weather or how he just became a grandfather a few weeks ago and somehow it led to him telling me he liked dating younger women and how a guy my age wouldn’t know how to pleasure me and not just sexually, and that’s the more tame comments. I won’t get into everything because it’s such a long story but it was enough that I wanted to curl into a corner because for the first time in almost 20 years I felt trapped by a man. When he went to leave he told me he was getting a hug and I knew there was no way out of it. I either willingly met him and gave him the hug that he wanted or he came behind the desk and forced it on me. When I hugged him he sniffed my neck and stroked my hair and surely that was about as weird as my night could get right? Wrong.

Enter man B. It started at breakfast bar. I noticed a few people over there about fifteen minutes before I usually open it for the day so I went over to turn on the lights and put the milk out and he turned to me and asked for a hug. I was already pretty annoyed from man A but I figured it wasn’t his fault so sure he can have a hug. I shouldn’t have. I then noticed how him and his friend were staring at me (and I should mention both men are a part of the oil field company that’s staying with us for a few months) and I just knew it wasn’t going to be good. I went back over about half an hour later to check on everything and they called me to their table to tell me something and Man B told me I’m absolutely gorgeous which was a nice compliment, yes. And his friend told me I was “lookin fine today” (which nothing was different than any other day except I might be more bloated than usual?) Man b then got up and walked over and put his arm around my shoulder but it felt more like my neck and thrusted his phone into my hands and I knew he was going to call or text me ASAP to make sure I gave him the right number. Which he did. The texts he sent were fine, he didn’t cross any line like that but I told him several times via text that I could not be texting him it was against company policy and I could lose my job if my managers found out about the messages. Which isn’t true but my boss told me to say it to get him to stop which it didn’t work. He still texted me. He kept saying we could do it outside of work and he’s really attracted to me and he really likes me which I straight up told him that he doesn’t like me. He doesn’t know me well enough to know that he likes me. He may know some minor details from me talking to his coworkers but not anything of importance. He thought he liked me because he thinks I’m pretty. Which he pushed back on and said that no he wants to get to know me because he likes me. Which I then ended the conversation telling him once again I’m not losing my job over text messages and that I was blocking his number. And I had anxiety from the time I gave him my number to even now. I barely slept because of this guy. I almost didn’t do my make up which… I love doing my make up… and then around midnight he came in and gave me a high five??? After I told him I was blocking his number?

And then there’s a mysterious man C. Who’s story is short because like I said he’s a mystery. All I know is that when my front desk manager came in for her afternoon shifted she noticed a crumbled up napkin with a number on it and a note asking me on a date that had been left with my fucking boss of all people. Thankfully she went ahead and just threw it away deciding I didnt need that in my life.

It’s just…. this is my place of employment and I can’t even put my finger on what I’ve done to encourage them. I don’t treat anyone any differently from the others minus one guy but that’s because I talk to him quite a bit because he’s a good conversationalist but I know he’s not mystery man c. Other than him though I don’t seek anyone out or feel like I put off any vibes. Yet now I’m afraid to interact with anyone in case they read it wrong and I’m afraid to be away from the desk for more than a few seconds in case someone traps me again. And I shouldn’t feel this unsafe at work. And it’s bullshit.

week later update though. Creep number 1 is no longer staying with us ever. My boss talked to his who agreed that it was for the best that he stayed away from our hotel. I’m pretty sure it was actually his boss’ idea to not place him here again. Creep number 2 has respected my wishes and kept away from me which I feel slightly bad about because he genuinely seems like a decent guy now it was just A LOT that night and I was over it and done. Creep number 3 there’s literally no update and I have no idea which one it is. 

HOWEVER there’s now a new guy that I can’t tell if he’s hitting on me or not? He’s very much doing the “I’m going to annoy you because I like you” thing I think. EVERY single shift he finds a way to talk to me. It doesn’t matter about what. If he can annoy me he’ll do it. His favorite is to ring the bell REPEATEDLY until I come to the desk and then ask me if I’m annoyed which....I am. And every single night “Come out drinking with us!!!!!! I’ll pay for you!!!!!” the problem is he never asks me on the nights that I can actually go. No let’s ask me the nights I have to go home and sleep for one reason or another. I probably still wouldn’t go but ya know. He even told me to call off just to go out with them which he’s cute don’t get me wrong and if it wasn’t for the fact that he’s a guest at where I work I’d probably actually go but idk it’s confusing and I hate these boys for making things harder on me for literally no reason because like what the fuck did I do to them.

How I met depression

I made a deal with my mom last year, it was in may: if I passed a private university entrance contest, I could stay in my favourite country during one month. I accepted, passed the entrance contest and has been choose, and 2 months later I travelled.

However... if she had to made that deal, it was because she was worried about me. My mom has a real elitist side because she hadn't been graduated and I think she doesn't want to let me know what she had to endure through her life.

This same year, before this famous entrance contest, I dropped my first university year, because it drove me crazy. I hate the scholarship system, it's like been a sheep in a slaughterhouse.

So, after I came back from my travel, in a really good mood, thing's goes wrong really fast.

The school year started at the end of September, at first it seems not so bad excepted that I had only one acquaintance on my classroom. Everyone was avoiding me because of my open-minded side. We were really different.

But my friends (from my previous university) tried to support me even if I told almost nothing about my condition. Only one knew what truly happened, the one who will become my boyfriend later. At that time, we were close friend. Until the moment we became closer and started sleeping together, it was in November.

In December I began to work as a waitress in a part time job. My days looked the same: 8 am/5:30 pm school, 6:30 pm/11:30 pm part time job, 00:00 am/3:30 am homework. And the girl with who I talked dumped me on a homework and treated me as a piece of shit so we weren't close anymore. She became a bitch and I was alone in my nightmare.

I began to eat A LOT and crying in silence when my mom or my guy didnt look. However, my guy began to notice my high anxiety and my night crisis. It was current that I bursted in tears at night after he fell asleep.

But once, he woke up during my "usual" crisis and comfort me all the night long, until the early morning hours. He began to be worried about my condition. On top of that, I have real problems to express myself and accept my emotion, for me, crying was weak and pathetic. He helped me to learn how talking about it and he's still helping me, and now I feel better with it, even of I'm still bad at it.

Meanwhile my fwb and my best friend began worried, my family ignored it; like my other friends. I was ashamed of myself, I don't wanted to look weak...

Then January came and my depression also. One morning, I almost fell on the floor, I was tired, weak, crying, fat and horrible inside. I fainted on the bed after rushing from my fwb's bathroom (I was getting ready to school) to the bed. He woke up and had to give me sugar and slap on the face to wake me up.

Still in january... I had enough.

I took the tramway to go to my school and I had a stronger panic attack than usuak (my night crisis) and when I got out of the tramway, I called my best friend to talk to her while crying as hell. In front of me there was a river, and when I hanged up, I thought about jumping from the bridge... it scared the shit out of me and I came back to my fwb home. I never came back.

I waited 1 week before telling iy to my aunt (who paid my studies) and another one, to tell to my mom. When I told it to her, she became so mad at me that I had to leave the house. Hopefully it lasted 3 days and she became cooler about it. But she didn't trusted me when I told her that I had suicidal thought... it hurted me so much. But hopefully, my friends and my fwb (who became and who's still my boyfriend ❤) were here for me. I'll killed myself if they weren't there.

Now it's august 9th, and this horrible thing called depression is less present, she was almost gone but came back recently... she's still there, waiting on my own shadow the first wrong step. And now that I have peoples by my side, I don't know if "She" will leave by herself.

What can I say then

Ok, lemme preface this. I am a supervisor at a credit card call center. Basically I take calls from regular reps whose callers ask for a supervisor, nothing too hard. Alright so, this rep transfers to me; I answer Me: “Hi, my name is _____, I am a supervisor here at [insert na-]” Cardholder: “WHY ARE YOU TALKING SO FAST, I DONT APPRECIATE YOU TRYING TO GET ME OFF THE PHONE.” Literally, I was speaking normal, sup calls don’t hurt my calls per hour I can take 2 hrs talking to this bitch and I’ll be fine. She didn’t even let me finish saying my shit. Ch: “what’s your name you didn’t say it” Me: ___ Ch: “what” Me: ___, (and it’s 3 letters so I spelled it out) Ch: I don’t like you spelling it out I’m not stupid. Me: ~ok~ “how May i assist you ma’am” Ch: I DONT LIKE YOU CALLING ME MAAM. THATS NOT MY NAME. MY PARENTS DIDNT NAME ME MAAM.” Honestly, it’s habit. I don’t call them by their first/last name bc people don’t like that. Sir/ma’am are my words, so I apologize right. Me: “I’m sorry, so how may I help?” Ch: “well my payment is 30.77$, I need to know why it’s an even number, I need odd numbers because that’s what goes well with my check, and my due date isn’t working for me.” Me: “ok so-“ (I’m about to rephrase what she says bc I’ve learn people like that bc it shows I listened right, but I just say it so I remember everything and do it in a way it’ll fit the acct. ch: “I DONT LIKE IT WHEN SOMEONE TELLS ME “ok so”, IT JUST SHOWS ME THAT THEY DONT CARE WHAT IM CALLING ABOUT. I JUST SPENT 4 MINUTES WAITING FOR YOU TO ANSWER AND YOURE GONNA COME TO ME AND SAY “ok so”.” Me: “It’s not that I don’t care, I just have to make sure I caught everything you said. First, your pymt is 30$ or 7% of your balance, whichever is greater. It’s 30.77$ because you’re over by 77 cents, if the even numbers aren’t working you can always round it to an odd number of your choosing, and in regards to your due da-“. Ch: “I DONT NEED YOU TO TELL ME WHAT TO DO. I HATE WHEN PEOPLE TELL ME WHAT TO DO. YOURE NOT MY MOM. PLUS NO ONE TOLD ME ITD BE 30$ a month.” Keep in mind she’s had this acct since 2015. Me: “Well, when you applied the teems&conditions stated your pymts would be 30$/7% of your Bal, whichever is greater. Now, we can’t tel-“ Ch: “I HATE HEARING THAT YOU CANT DO SOMETHING. I AM A CUSTOMER, I DIDNT CALL TO HEAR A ‘NO’, I AM A CUSTOMER AND IM CALING FOR HELP.” Me: “alright and I get that, I am trying to help but you keep saying you don’t like what I am telling you. I have to tell you what we can/can’t do, I can’t just ignore what you said and tell you something else. Now, you can pay 31$ that’s not issue. You’re just paying a bit more than the minimum that’s fine. In regards to your due date, (it’s currently on the 5th of each month) what date would you like?” Ch: “the 1st or 15th.” Here’s where I got frustrated, she’s due on the 5th, and she usually pays on the 3rd or 4th, so early. She’s requesting her due date 4 days earlier for whatever reason. I’m not in her life so whatever, she sounded hesitant when she said first, so I check the 15th. Me: (keep in mind I can’t say “can’t” bc shell cut me off and we’ll get nowhere) “unfortunately we are unable to select the 15th as a due date, but the 14th or 16th work, do either of those work for you?” Ch: “16th is fine.” Me: “ok, before I select that I have to remind you, you can only change your due date once every twelve months, do you still wish to select the 16th of each month?” Ch: “what day is the 16th next month (12-16-17)?” Me: “saturday.” Ch: “I CANT HAVE A SATURDAY I NEED THURSAYS I GET PAID THURSDAYS.” Me: “we ca-, I mean we don’t choose certain daYS, for due daTES, we need a numberic daTE(#) that works for you. Not daYS (sun-mon).” Ch: “I DONT UNDERSTAND WHY YOURE MAKING THIS SO HARD FOR ME.” Me: “I’m not trying to, I’m trying to help, so what daTE works for you?” Ch: “The 1st.” Me: “ok so again, before I select that I have to remind you, you can only change your due date once every twelve months, do you still wish to select the 1st of each month?” Ch: “NEXT MONTH ITS A FRIDAY AND THEN IN JANUARY ITS A MONDAY, NO THAT DOESNT WORK. I NEED THURSDAYS.” Me: “I’m sorry but we ca-, don’t choose daYS, we have daTE-“ Ch: “I DONT LIKE HEARING WHAT YOU DONT DO I HATE WHEN SOMEONE TELLS ME WHAG THEY DONT DO.” Me: “I have to tell you what is available and what is not, I cannot please everything you’re wanting. I cannot lie to you and say we can do things we can’t, I’m very sorry you hate all I’m saying but I have to do my job of letting you know your options.” Ch: “I DONT KNOW WHY YOURE MAKING THIS SO DIFFICULT FOR ME. YOU JUST DONT WANT TO HELP.” Me: “I am TRYIN-“ Ch: “WHY DO YOU TALK WHEN IM ABOUT TO TALK. I HATE WHEN PEOPLE TALK WHEN IM THINKING OF WHAT TO SAY.” Me: “so what daTE, are you looking for?” Ch: “I DONT KNOW. WHAT WORKS FOR ME DOESNT WORK FOR YOU. YOURE SO HARD TO TALK TO.” Me: (I’m starting to get mad) “you gave me the 1st and 15th, I told you the 1st works and either 14th or 16th work. You keep saying you need a Thursday but we do not choose daYS. We choose daTES. You said the 16th and then said no and chose the 1st, I was about to confirm the 1st and you said no bc they fall on different daYS of the week each month. We don’t choose the daYS they fall on. Jus-“ Ch: “I KNOW YOU DONT OK. IM NOT A CHILD. I HATE WHEN YOU TALK TO ME LIKE A CHILD. I HAYE THAT YOU REPEAT YOUR SELF I JUST, AM SO FRUSTRATED BEVAUSE YOURE JUST MAKING ME MAD.” Me: “Thats not my intention, what daTE works for you? That’s all I need.” Ch: “I DONT KNOW OK I DONT KNOW” Basically my call was 26 mins long, of her telling me she hates everything that I said and ended up requesting another supervisor and just hung up on him bc he was a male. Tl;dr: lady hates not getting her way.

Forgive me but can you explain the situation a little better?

sure! in 2014 i signed for a program called science without borders that took me to study for two semesters in nyc after a long ass process and portfolio submission and all that and all paid by the brazilian government. every 3 months they would pay me $2100 dollars so i could live for another 3 months. they paid for my dorm and my food. it happens that, by may 18th the dorm i was in at The New School was preparing to receive the new students and whoever was still there should check out. Since my program didnt care or had limited communication with my dorm i was in a tough position cause i still had a lot of paperwork to do, including closing my bank account, sending a letter on why i wasnt gonna intern, all that stuff, so my friends who legally could stay in the dorm cause they were going to intern signed me in for two whole weeks while i was getting all this done. by june 1st i finally finished doing what i had to do and the pain of leaving nyc was already big enough and the stress was out of the roof cause i mean its nyc and i was leaving it behind in a few days. then my money got really short and i didnt want to annoy anybody into feeding me and stuff like that cause i mean they were already letting me live under their roof while their new roomate didnt arrive to take the bed i was sleeping in. so by june 3rd i came back to brazil, after 48 hours of flight, got taxed for my computers and even tho the program said i wasnt gonna get taxed their documents meant NOTHING so i had to pay over a thousand dollars THAT I DID NOT HAVE (but my aunt did) so i could leave the airport. i worked an entire year for free so i could pay my aunt back. didnt spend a penny. i got paid, the money went straight to her pocket. for 12 months. the program has a website where i have to prove all my expenses and when i came back so i sent them my plane ticket (for the like 3rd time cause they are VERY irresponsible and lose everything we send them) and they noticed i came back too early so they just replied that i had 30 days to SOMEHOW pay them the value of one month (2100/3 = 700 dollars). now that i have only 3 days to pay this desbt, i thot i should ask for your guys’ help cause it has been quite impossible for me since me and my mom are living in my aunt’s place and trying to finally move to a new house (i ran away from my abusive father with my mom and little sis in 2014 and we had to literally cross the country by car for a whole week having nowhere to stay when we arrived here in fortaleza but thats another story). so yeah if you could paypal me $1 it would already help!paypal: [email protected]—> they only allow u to donate for brazilians if you chose the “Pay for goods or services” option.

So, I tried to reorder supplies for my insulin pump last week.

I use an Animas pump, which is no longer being manufactured because Animas went out of business in Dec. They transferred all of their customers to Medtronic, another pump manufacturer. They didnt transfer over any medical records, so I had to get them another copy of my prescription. I did the same thing in November when I last ordered supplies, and it took exactly one day.

So last Wed I call up the women's clinic at the local veteran's hospital, where my doctor works, and get the fax number etc. I call Medtronic and give them that, they send the fax, it's all cool. Friday I still haven't gotten a tracking number for my supplies. I call back. My doctor still hasnt signed the scrip. So I call the VA and have to leave a message explaining I need this signed ASAP so I can continue keeping myself alive. "Oh yeah we logged that we recieved the fax Wed, I'll put in a note for your care team."

Clinic is closed all weekend, so I check back with Medtronic on Monday. Still nothing. So I call back to the VA, "yeah we got this fax and it looks like they want the dr to sign it or something? So we put in a consult for you with the diabetes nurse." "Um. Why? I've called about this twice and explained that they DO want the dr to sign it. It's a prescription so I can legally receive the supplies I just paid 491 out of my pocket for. All they need is for her to sign it and send it back. Just like in November."

They check the system, yeah, there's the old scrip to Animas signed by my dr. They need this new one that specifies it's for Medtronic. They say they'll put in a note and let the dr know.

Yesterday I call Medtronic. "Yeah uh...they sent it back but no one signed it. We will send it again with highlights and arrows on the parts that need to be completed." Ok. Fucking. Alright. Before I can summon the energy to call the VA, they call me! ...to reschedule an appointment with this same dr who will not sign my fucking scrip for god knows why. So after I reschedule I'm like "hey yall get that fax?" "Nope looks like we didn't!" "Cool hold on." I call medtronic back, they resend the fax, then call me back a few hours later to tell me they tried 5 times and the fact wouldn't go through. At this point the clinic is about to close so I say fuck it.

Then I get a call from the VA, and it's a diabetes nurse who wants to schedule me for a glucose monitor class. I'm like....I've been on a pump for 2 years, why did they put in a consult for me to learn how to TEST MY BLOOD SUGAR. The nurse is also confused, and very horrified at my story of trying to order supplies. "Can I ask why you're paying for supplies instead of getting them through us for free?" "..............not a single fucking person at the VA ever told me I COULD get them through you, I don't have insurance, and i literally need them to live, so i buy them myself." So she orders me free supplies, but they will take weeks to arrive. I still need this goddamn hell prescription signed.

Today medtronic calls me and leaves a voicemail, I call back and they tell me there's a note in my file that says they called my clinic and "they said your doctor hadnt worked there in 4 years." "Really bc they JUST called me yesterday and made an appointment with her. The number you have is for the hospital directory, you have to call and ASK for the women's clinic, I have explained this three times when giving yall this number." "Ohhhhhh, ok let me put you on hold and I'll call them? ....ok so I had to leave a message with them but I sent the fax again, it went through, and o gave them the emergency fax number so it will come directly to us priority. If they get it back to us by 3:30 we can ship your supplies today." Great, cool.

So I get an uber to the clinic, and then wait AN HOUR for a nurse to tell me "oh she cant sign it, so the diabetes nurse you spoke to yesterday came and got the prescription and shes trying to get your new endo that you still have not met to sign it. So you have to go to the endo clinic in the main hospital." "But this fax has all her information on it including her medical license number. Can he even sign this?" "Oh he can just cross that out and write his stuff in." I FUCKIN! DOUBT IT! BUT OK! I hoof my ass to the main building, go to endocrinology, and try to explain to the clerk why the fuck I am there and the hell that has been this whole experience. A doctor behind the desk overhears and her face is a mask of "what in the fresh fuck". She calls the manager of the women's clinic, explains I need this paper signed TODAY and that my doctor CAN sign it, and that she WILL do so. "Shes gonna sign it now." God bless you random doctor! So I head back to the women's clinic.

It takes about 5 minutes for the nurse to call me back in, "oh yeah I dont know why she wont sign it since it's just supplies, she says its bc shes not in charge of your diabetic treatment." "Ok? But she is the only doctor i have that I've actually met and knows anything about my treatment, she signed it last time, and if she wont sign it now then she needs to write me a whole other prescription for insulin pens bc i cant fucking take my insulin without pump supplies." So she gets it signed, sends it off, and gives me a receipt to show it went through.

Great!! I call medtronic and the lady informs me they used the regular fax instead of the emergency line she gave them, so it will take 24 hours to even pop in their system. So I go BACK inside and give them the number and wait for them to send the fax again. It's now 3:12. No way is this going to show up in their system by 3:30 so I can get my fucking supplies tomorrow. Then medtronic calls and god bless them they were watching for it and caught the fax just in time.

Best part of this whole bullshit ordeal was when the diabetes nurse called me on my ride home to let me know she got my endo to sign the scrip and they faxed it out at noon, about the same time I was heading in to the hospital in the first place.

Grounded Ch.1 Pt.2

Decided to post this on Ao3 as well. (Mainly cause tumblr's character limit) I will continue posting to both tumblr and Ao3. If you guys want the link to it on Ao3 let me know.

Edit: Someone on Ao3 let me know that I accidentally kept switching around Virgil's username, so I fixed it! It's Blackwings, not Darkwings. (Not really sure how I even made the mistake in the first place. My mind must have wandered.)

Tag list: @nerd-in-space @thebaagelboy

The first month of staying in the apartment and paying for everything was terrible. Even with the paychecks just about every week, Virgil still had to work himself to the bone to pay for the rent, food, clothing, and any other daily nessesities. After the first rough patch, though, he had a stable life. He was even able to put aside some money to buy a crappy computer and a cheap drawing tablet.

Using these, he would draw when ever he had free time.

"Wow," Virgil stared at his computer screen, "people like my drawings that much?"

He was honestly suprised. He's been drawing for a long time, so he decided to post some of his works online. That was just a few months ago. Now he has some devoted fans that love his works. Some even asked if he would open up commissions.

'They want to commission me? Really?' His mind had trouble proccessing the info it received. He had nothing to lose. Not only would he be drawing for people that love his art, but he would be paid for it. Opening up his blog, he let his fans know that he would, in fact, be opening up commissions. Many instantly replied to his post saying to link them to the commission page when he's ready. His fans where always so supportive. Hes not really sure why they are, but their support has helped him make it though tough times.

Once Virgil was done setting everything up, he instantly got two commissions. 'Well, I'm free today, might as well work on these now.' He sat at his desk prepared to start when he realised that the first commissioner is his first fan. Not only that, but they gave him a lot more money then he asked for. "Oh, my god. They gave me 50$!?" He almost yelled.

His first fan is a user that goes by the username "TheRoyalPrince". They are the first person to find and support to this day the drawings that Virgil posts. They are also the first fan to suggest to open up comissions. 'Why did Prince give me 50$?'

His comissions info only went up to 20$ as the highest amount. TheRoyalPrince gave him 50$. Virgil, after snapping out of his shock, read the TheRoyalPrince's commission info.

Commission 50$ made by TheRoyalPrince:

'Hello, Blackwings! I would like to commission a royal kingdom. Make sure this kingdom has a handsome prince, but other then that I would like to see your take on a royal kindom. Also, I have been a fan of your works since the day you first posted. The extra 30$ is to help you live better and to continue making more art in the future! :)'

Virgil sat there, dumbfounded. 'Prince really likes my art.' Starting to tear up, he grabbed the tablet pen sitting a little to the left and opened up a blank page. After pondering for a moment, he got to work. This isn't the first time Virgil has talked with Prince. Awhile ago, he asked his fans for ideas, since he was having trouble drawing. Prince, was somehow the first one to give him an idea. So he knows a few things that Prince likes.

Vibrant reds and golden yellows started to streak across the blank page. Virgil's hand moves gracefully across the tablet, leaving different colors in its wake. By the time he was done it was pretty late in the day. He started around 9 in the morning, so it was suprising to see that it was 1 almost 2 p.m. He got up and stetched. 'That...was really fun to draw. It even looks good. I hope Prince likes it.' Virgil was genuinely happy with the result of the commission. It was a vibrant white and red kingdom with a bit of a golden yellow. The viewpoint of the drawing is on a hill looking down at the large kingdom. A little bit off to the left of the hill, is a majestic looking prince on a white horse with a mane that has a tinge of yellow. The prince looks like he is ready to defend the kingdom from what ever dares to attack.

Clicking on the submit button, the drawing got sent to Prince.

"Okay, before I start on the next one I really need a shower." He hadn't taken a shower for a little while, so he could save on the water bill.

Walking over to the bathroom, he started to get undressed. Taking off his shirt he sees his reflection in the mirror that's just above the sink. 'My marks.' He sees his soulwing marks almost everyday. He doesn't go out much other than to do his part time jobs, so he doesn't really have any friends. His marks are his only comfort. They prove that there is at least one person on this world that won't hate him or call him a freak.

He finishes getting undressed and jumps in the shower. Quickly getting in and out to save as much on the water bill as possible. After drying himself and getting clothes on, he finishes the other comission by night time. 'Okay, i've got work to do tomorrow, so if I want food, I better go to bed.' Although, it's pretty late, he doesn't have to go to work very early, so he should be fine. Not only that, but he's used to getting little to no sleep, if the bags under his eyes are any indication. He lays down in his bed thinking back to Prince. 'I hope Prince liked the drawing.' Virgil mulls over the bright red and white kingdom as he doses off.

The next day he wakes up late, but, he really doesn't have work early so he had about an hour before he had to leave to another job. Rising from his bed like he was zombie, he got up and made a simple breakfast of an omelet. He is not a master chef, but living on your own forces you to learn how to cook. He has decent skills, when he is not dead tired and actually feels like cooking instead of just making ramen. Grabbing the hot omelet and flipping it onto a plate, he sits down at his desk and checks his phone. He has a notification from his art blog. Tapping on it showed that Prince had responded to the commission. 'Prince? Did he not like it?' Slightly scared that he disappointed his first and longest time fan he opened up the response.

TheRoyalPrince replies:

'Blackwings!! Amazing! I could not have asked for anything better! I love it! It's the perfect thing for my room. I just gotta print it onto some poster paper, and voilá! It will fit on the wall as if it has always been there.'

'What?'

Virgil opened up his account 'Blackwings' and started to reply to Prince.

Blackwings: 'I'm glad you liked it. I spent a lot more time then expected to on it.'

He didnt expect Prince to reply right away, so he started to set his phone down, when it buzzed.

TheRoyalPrince: 'Oh, but of course I'll love it! Just about anything you post is magnificent!'

Seeing the reply, had him start to tear up, again. He felt like he was wanted for once. His family always treated him like he didn't even deserve to live, but Prince even though they don't even really know each other, seems to actually want him or at least the things he can create.

Blackwings: 'l...thank you. You and my other fans support has helped me through...some hard times. So, thank you.'

Blackwings: 'Also, I'm not accepting the extra 30$. I will send it back. I don't deserve it. I completed your commission that was for 20$. I don't deserve the get anything extra.'

Virgil was not going to argue with Prince about the extra money. He really doesn't deserve the it. The 20$ was enough.

TheRoyalPrince: 'I'm glad my support has helped you through tough times! It's the least I can do. However, I am not going to take back the 30$. I gave you 50$ for a reason. I remember, in the past, you posted something about not being able to afford food, so you had to go on hiatus. Back then I wanted to help you, after all it is what a prince should do, but you didn't have anything open. Now that you do, I'll give you all the money I want to give you. And I am not taking no as an answer.'

He could tell he didn't have a choice. Even though he really did want to give the money back, he could tell, feel, that Prince would just send it back. If Prince doesn't want the money back, Virgil can't give it back. After all Prince has to accept the transaction.

Blackwings: 'Fine, I won't take the money back, but is there something else I could do? Like maybe, another commission? I want to at least earn the 30$.'

TheRoyalPrince: 'Something else you can do?'

...

Virgil waited for a response.

TheRoyalPrince: 'Actually there is something you can do.'

Blackwings: 'Really? What is it?'

TheRoyalPrince: 'Be my friend!'

'What?' "What?" He was so dumbfounded that he voiced his confusion outloud.

Blackwings: 'You want to be...friends?'

TheRoyalPrince: 'Of course! I actually wanted to talk to you for awhile now, but didn't know how to start.'

Reading this, Virgil didnt know what to do. He hesitated for a moment before replying.

Blackwings: 'I'm not worth 30$. Trust me. But if that's really what you want, then okay.'

He truly believed, at this point, that he wasn't worth anything. Although he is happy, because he would get a friend, or at least someone to talk to. He's scared. What if after talking for awhile, Prince finally realises that he isn't worth it. He doesn't deserve Prince's friendship.

TheRoyalPrince: 'You're not worth...? Well of course you aren't worth 30$! You are worth so much more. Everyone shouldn't have a price tag attached to their life.'

TheRoyalPrince: 'It seems as though you have convinced yourself that you are not worth much. I will change that!'

TheRoyalPrince: 'Here's my phone number: 727-371-XXXX. Just text me and let me know that it's you.'

TheRoyalPrince: 'and don't talk about yourself that way. I may not know much about you, but I'm sure you don't deserve to be hated by yourself.'

At this point, it's almost time to leave. Virgil finishes up his omelet, picks out neat looking clothes, and fixes his hair. Just before he leaves his apartment, he sends a text message to Prince.

'It's Blackwings. I'm heading of to one of my jobs. I'll let you know when I'm free.'

He assumes this text should be good enough, so he opens up the front door, ignoring the slight happiness, that Prince's last reply, left in his heart.