#everyone wants to gatekeep everyone from gender/sexuality so much for some reason
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the whole "you shouldn't identify as X, don't form an identity when you can't/don't know yet, you're too young, what if/you might change your mind!" etc etc. it's so silly when you think about it. what's wrong with changing your mind anyway? why did we all decide that gender/sexuality identity has to be static and can never change? why did we decide that it's a bad thing to change? because the old generation tells us change is bad? because they (mostly conservatives) want to conserve "the good old days/the way things are supposed to be" in their minds???
WHO CARES if someone says they're gay then realizes 5 years later they're bi. WHO CARES if someone says they're a girl and realizes after trying it out they're not. let people explore who they are until they figure it out even if they go through every lable available to them! maybe none fit and they make up their own! who cares! who cares if they change it every year for the rest of their lives! humans change. that's the only constant about us! why is it a bad thing, even taboo, to accept change and exploration within sexuality and gender specifically?
there's always so much shame that comes with someone realizing they were wrong, changing as a person, or discovering something new about themselves. i've seen people afraid to explore themselves more or afraid to talk about a change in identity, for fear of the queer community pushing back on them the same way they're afraid to come out to the cishets in their life who are trans/homophobic. that's just not fair that their own community can become hostile towards them, too. being in a closet within a bigger closet essentially. everyone is always told to figure it all out first before claiming an identity, because then you're locked in it for life, apparently. you can't change your mind after that. why though? what's the point of that really? why can't we embrace fluidity a bit more? why can't we accept that humans do change all the time? why is making and trying to prove that these identities are static/unchanging/innate the only way to validate them? why can't they just, I don't know, BE VALID. without reason. why must we jump through hoops to be valid when we should just automatically be valid because we are human. stop letting the cishets gatekeep everything, leading to us gatekeeping each other!
I am sometimes very hesitant to talk about my own identity. I identified as a gay/biromantic trans guy for like idk 8-10 years? transitioned and everything. then like a year or two ago, I realized/decided that doesn't fit right anymore. now i'm a nonbinary, but also kinda fluid, aroace person. sometimes I don't like to talk about that because of the stigma behind changing your gender/sexuality identities. but you know what. i'll talk about it anyway and people have to learn to accept it.
what were the consequences and bad parts about changing my mind/identity like that? none. absolutely none. (outside of people being weird about it for no reason) but the benefits are feeling more comfortable with myself, and that's no one else's business.
#lee rambles#lgbt#lgbtqia#what tag do people usually use. idk#sexuality#nonbinary#transgender#gender#i know some things you cant “change” like if you transition. reversing some parts might be hard. but who cares#change what you want. change back a 3rd time if you want. we should let people do what they want in a safe way.#we arent going to talk about and debate children and their ability to “choose” im not opening those worms. thats for another discussion#but i will say them simply using words to describe themselves (identity) and changing it later DOES ABSOLUTELY NO HARM. LET THEM DO IT.#we are not talking about physically changing things so dont argue that. only words. words dont harm ans are allowed to change.#but people gatekeep adults from words as well so its not “about the children” its people in general.#everyone wants to gatekeep everyone from gender/sexuality so much for some reason#but this isnt about “the children!” so lets not talk about them#if anyone tries to argue children i will instablock. you have no permissiom#anyway. i feel like this entire post is a whole unpopular opinion. it'll probably make someone mad or cause misunderstanding#because words are hard and explaining my thoughts is hard. but youre not allowed to argue with me. im tired and dont want to deal with it#thats my boundary and im setting it up. no arguing. im not asking for debate or opnions. im simply rambling to myself snd anyone who#might not have thought about this before? idk. not sure who im rambling to or why i even added specific tags lmao#im tired and sleep deprived where am i going with this.......
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Oh boy, lets open that can of worms
There's a LOT of discourse with endo vs anti-endo stuff (endogenic system=plural system not formed by trauma if you don't know 🙂). Like, death threats coming from both sides kinda thing. We try to stay out of it. But it's easy to accidentally stumble into it if you're not familiar with some of the nuance. So we want to share some observations as like, a crash course. (And apparently we had a lot to say lol.)
This post isn't really to debate how plurality forms. Just to give some context as to why so much hate is flying between these two groups.
Basically, you have 2 extremes. (And everyone in between obviously)
On one side you have people making up extra rules on top of the diagnostic criteria to exclude and gatekeep anyone who doesn't meet "their level" of disordered. (I've literally heard people say "you can't be a system, you're not as traumatized as me"). A lot of accusations of faking come from this bunch. Too much internal communication? Faker. Too many non-human alters? Faker. Too many or not enough alters? Faker. You can't win with them even if you have a diagnosis.
We've noticed a lot of parallels between this group and transmeds. You need to have x level of dysphoria to ride this ride. You can't be trans if you don't want xyz treatment. You need to reach my arbitrary bar of "trans enough". Enbys and everyone else are fakers. That kind of bs.
But on this side you also have a lot of people who just want to be taken seriously. They want to be validated by their diagnosis and feel hurt when people say or do things that they think will compromise that validity. They, at least initially, come from a place of sincerity not malice. But they fall into the trap of trying to be "one of the good ones".
On the other extreme you have the wild west. Things people treat as fact aren't codified with the same scrutiny as the DSM-5 or ICD-11. This breeds its own confusion and misinformation. We've seen people conflate plurality with things like maladaptive day dreaming, lucid dreaming, adhd, and (applying it to other people with ferocity to the point of harassment) metaphors of all things.
They have a spaghetti at the wall approach that reminds me of a less extreme MOGII (an attempt to define just about every possible form of gender and sexuality). It's a messy patchwork of ideas. We've seen 8 different labels that all mean the same thing and are being used by exactly no one. Redundancy and hyperspcificity, that's the name of the game. But frankly we like this if for no other reason than we want to see what sticks, what becomes mainstream.
We've seen people from this group attack people as badly as the anti-endo group. Openly mocking people for having trauma or saying vile shit like "traumagenics kys". They feel threatened by the exclusionary nature of diagnoses. But instead of taking their frustration out on the systems of power they take them out on normal people. After all if you're diagnosed, you "represent the system"... I guess. Equally bull shit.
But this is also where the edge cases go, the exclusions, those that don't fit into a neat little box. The DSM excludes people whose plurality is accepted as part of their culture or religion. These people don't suddenly stop being systems just because they're accepted, but they're distinctly not disordered. They don't meet the clinical definition of DID or OSDD. Same goes for someone whose symptoms are mild enough to not cause "clinically significant distress". You also have people who don't want to be pathologized or have been failed by the medical system.
So lastly, a warning: When dealing with plural stuff, it's very easy to go stumbling into a mine field.
Tldr: I would always rather land on the side of letting too many people in than exclude people who needed the support. However, no matter your in-group, some people take things too far. Like, ffs don't attack people.
-Taylor & Mark
#not giving this any proper tags cause I don't want a fucking maelstrom of hate coming at us lol#long post#this might be a bad idea
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hey! ace lesbian here and i want to say thanks for responding, its god to open up to people who can understand where i'm coming from! it's just sad because by no means was the ace community ever perfect but at least it wasn't soo full of people falsely thinking they're ace. i think that certain labels can be good to help understand yourself to a certain extent, but things like gray ace and all the other little complicated ones involve a little too much sexual attraction to be asexuality but hey that's just me! sexuality is very complicated and nuanced for a lot of people but that doesn't mean they should change the definitions of words to fit them when there's a different label that describes them that they're refusing to use for some reason. like same reason i get so angry at "mspec lesbians" and trans man lesbians (or anyone claiming lesbians can like or be binary men, like i've literally seen people say lesbians can like or be cis mean???????). anyways i'll stop going on about it it just really makes me so mad to see that the definition of asexuality has expanded to include people who feel sexual attraction because it's so isolating to know that most people really do seek out a sexual relationship, and there's totally nothing wrong with enjoying sex it's just....... not asexuality. but yeah peace and love and such i don't really think there's any way of bringing back the original definition of sexuality. i think in some ways we are regressing in the face of progression but i'm just one guy with one lil opinion. thank you for listening
right on ✌️ it’s just “inclusivity” pushed past it’s limit, and it hurts to see people react to gatekeeping as if it’s automatically bigoted and we have some evil motive for “policing” labels. everyone has a unique and complicated relationship with their own gender and sexuality, and it’s weird to see some people insist that their personal definitions of words are more correct than everyone else’s definitions of the same words
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I fucking hate people so much. some people are afraid to come out, other just dont want to even if they feel safe and some people are straight but are gnc or explore their identity and these people are not fucking entitled to an explanation.
"evidence he is one of us" celebrities aren't just dolls you can project onto theyre real people and I cant begin to imagine how uncomfortable and violating is must be to have people write shit like this for millions of people to see. if you're actually queer and closeted its a damn nightmare but even if you aren't is so invasive. even if you come out as straight people still ship you with your friends and insist theres a secret conspiracy going on.
these aren't characters in a movie where you can whine about queerbaiting or queercoding and I dont understand how they as a queer person wouldn't understand how forcefully outing someone or speculating on their sexuality is inappropriate.
"use of our symbols" this isn't a cult Anna
for real. all of this. it’s all horrifying lmao. the gatekeeping is insane. isn't the goal that anyone should be allowed to do anything they want? shouldn't promoting/accepting nonbinary identities include people who use the pronouns they've used their whole lives? it's like, okay, on a policy level, yes, we have made HUGE strides globally and here in the united states, from abolishing sodomy laws and instituting protections rather than attacks and it's much safer to be an LGBT person in most places than it was 30 years ago. however, so many people have gotten so stupid and a lot of it is just terminally online bullshit but the policing of gender and sexuality and everyone having to have a label or else they're "appropriating" is insane. someone can be a straight cis man who considers himself all those things, but he dabbled in college, and found out it wasn't for him. is that appropriating culture? it just seems so suffocating. and i know a lot of this is because things online are communicated terribly and emotionally in black and white instead of the millions of shades of what the OG rainbow flag was supposed to represent (do we need a new flag for a new identity every week?). idk. we should be pushing toward the point where nobody has to come out or label themselves for other people's sake, not creating more divisiveness where there is literally no reason for it. someone said this to me on here the other day but i can't for the life of me remember who, but it really does remind me of what people get offended by now: are you bi but with a preference for men or women? what percent are you? like that's legit demeaning and offensive (if the person brings it up that's a little different but still stupid to try to quantify who you wanna fuck lol), but there are kids who have like 7 labels to describe how much/how little they wanna kiss people of xyz gender and it's like baby! you're a baby! you haven't even held a hand yet! you don't know! and it's OKAY not to know! i wish we could embrace the unknown instead of trying to label every bit of it. then when labels change, it feels earth-shattering, instead of it being a new exciting feeling to be attracted to somebody, or a new way to express yourself, or not do anything, or just doing whatever the hell you want without judging yourself or having others judge you.
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Don't you ever wish that Cookie Run fans would just stop attacking fans for not shipping the same ships (especially if they're rare pairs) and/or not having the same hcs as them? Shit like this is one of the reasons why fandoms can't have nice things lol.
On one hand: Its funny seeing asswipes show just how absolutely pathetic they are by hiding their harassment and suicide baiting as fighting for lesbian rights.
Honestly Fandomd are inheritly toxic by nature, I just kind of accepted that because thats just life, yah can't like escape from it.
But you can stand up to it as well, not conform to it, y'know what I mean? And it's not like Devsis explicitly made statements on ANY of the cookies sexualities-
Also its sorta gatekeeping to assume that like
Sexuality is so narrow when its really but a spectrum, just as much as gender. Like labels exist just to make it easier to put it into words but in actuality there's no discernable like- concrete way to completely describes ones get off n shit cuz the human mind is VERY complicated.
Yeah with fictional characters, its a bit easier to like put labels on them but the people who say that shipping sea fairy with men is lesbiphobic are looking at this through a "fiction can't harm reality" sorta mindset, and if thats the case, isn't this also coming off as gatekeeping mspec people as well, or dare I say, being phobic themselves? Just because someone who identifies as a woman and someone who identifies as a man get together, that doesn't mean both of them are straight. Yeah its a heteronormative relationship, but again, that doesn't mean both are straight. One could be Bisexual Biromantic, and the other could be Asexual Panromantic, it really doesn't matter.
I won't be surprised if this nonsense is coming out of the mouths of tr4nsmeds or exclusionists as a whole, because only someone who believes that there are only two genders and three sexualities would want to tell someone to kill themselves AND YES IM STILL NOT OVER THAT
The only invalid ships that everyone can agree are invalid are the ships between minors, siblings, and feral animals. Otherwise, shipping Sea Fairy with Pirate isn't a goddamn issue. Pros can get fucked, and Antis should go touch some grass. I hate to repeat this part, but Ik people are gonna try and paint me as a pr0shitter when I say "Seapirate isn't a harmless ship."
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saw a post that bothered me earlier and i cant stop thinking about it so dont mind me while i rant really quick. scroll if u want idc.
does it really fucking matter if bi lesbians exist or not? does it really fucking matter if some trans men identify as lesbians? does it really matter if pansexuality and bisexuality are so similar? does it really matter at all that some people use microlabels, or labels that you dont understand, to define themselves?
its not about everyone being valid no matter what. its about the fact that our oppressors do not fucking care about what labels we use. homophobes are not going to check what our pronouns are and if our labels are “the right ones” we use before they fucking hate crime us.
i genuinely do not care if bi lesbians are “valid” or not. i genuinely do not care if its “possible” for trans men to be lesbians. all i care about is that they’re queer, and so they belong in this community with me and, and so i will respect whatever identity they tell me they are and i will help protect them from those that are trying to hurt us.
the post i saw said something along the lines of “capitalist society encourages individuality to the point of us wanting to distance ourselves from others as much as we can” okay, if that’s how you see it, sure. if you want to avoid microlabels for that reason, that is a completely fair and reasonable stance to take! sincerely! but thats not a decision you get to make for anyone else. and how do you know the people using those labels arent doing so SPECIFICALLY because theyve felt excluded and shunned by people like you, forcing them to try and find community somewhere else, with people who understand them?
if you’re even a little bit concerned with the people around you using the “correct” labels you are actively fighting against queer liberation. the whole POINT of liberation is that we dont try to force ourselves to confine to what “makes sense” to other people. you could argue that microlabels are just a way to make smaller and smaller boxes to force yourself in, and in some cases i’d be inclined to agree with you. but again, thats not a decision you get to make for other people and YOU DO NOT HAVE ANY RIGHT WHATSOEVER to define for someone else how THEY experience gender and sexuality and how THEY choose to express it.
fuck off with your gatekeeping bullshit. there will NEVER be ANY KIND of queer exclusion that could ever be “woke” or morally correct. infighting in the queer community will always be a win for the oppressor. so shut the fuck up, mind your business, and stop trying to define other people’s identities.
#vent#rant#vent cw#rant cw#mercy talks#i dont think i want to tag this anything else bc idk if i want too many people seeing it but. this is how i feel
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Are you a Gold Star lesbian? (Just in case you don't know what it means, a Gold Star lesbian is a lesbian that has never had the sex with a guy and would never have any intentions of ever doing so)
So I got this ask a while ago, and I've been lowkey thinking about it ever since.
First: No. I am a queer, cranky dyke who is too old for this sort of bullshit gatekeeping.
Second: What an unbelievable question to ask someone you don't even know! What an incomprehensibly rude thing to ask, as if you're somehow owed information about my sexual history. You're not! No one—and I can't reiterate this enough, but no one—owes you the details of their sex lives, of their trauma, or of anything about themselves that they don't feel like sharing with you.
The clickbait mills of the internet and the purity police of social media would like nothing more than to convince everyone that you owe these things to everyone. They would like you to believe that you have to prove that you're traumatized enough to identify with this character, that you can't sell this article about campus rape without relating it to your own sexual assault, that you can't talk about queer issues without offering up a comprehensive history of your own experiences, and none of those things are true. You owe people, and especially random strangers on the internet, nothing, least of all citations to somehow prove to them that you have the right to talk about your own life.
This makes some people uncomfortable, and to be clear, I think that that's good: people who feel entitled to demand this information should be uncomfortable. Refusing to justify yourself takes power away from people who would very much like to have it, people who would like to gatekeep and dictate who is permitted to speak about what topics or like what things. You don't have to justify yourself. You don't have to explain that you like this ship because this one character reminds you a bit of yourself because you were traumatized in a vaguely similar way and now— You don't have to justify your queerness by telling people about the best friend you had when you were twelve, and how you kissed, and she laughed and said it was good practice for when she would kiss boys and your stomach twisted and your mouth tasted like bile and she was the first and last girl you kissed, but—
You don't owe anyone these pieces of yourself. They're yours, and you can share them or not, but if someone demands that you share, they're probably not someone you should trust.
Third: The idea of gold star lesbians is a profoundly bi- and trans- phobic idea, often reducing gender to genitals and the long, shared history of queer women of all identities to a stark, artificial divide where some identities are seen as purer or more valuable than others. This is bullshit on all counts.
There's a weird and largely artificial division between bisexuals and lesbians that seems to be intensifying on tumblr, and I have to say: I hate it. Bisexual women aren't failed lesbians. They're not somehow less good or less valid because they're attracted to [checks notes] people. Do you think that having sex with a man somehow changes them? What are you so worried about it for? I've checked, and having sex with a man does not, in fact, make your vagina grow teeth or tentacles. Does that make you feel better? Why is what other people are doing so threatening to you?
Discussions of gold star lesbians are often filled with tittering about hehe penises, which is unfortunate, since I know a fair few lesbians who have penises, and even more lesbians who've had sex with people, men and women alike, who have penises. I'm sorry to report that "I'm disgusted by a standard-issue human body part" is neither a personality nor anything to be proud of. I'm a dyke and I don't especially like men, but dicks are just dicks. You don't have to be interested in them, but a lot of people have them, and it doesn't make you less of a lesbian to have sex with someone who has a dick.
There's so much garbage happening in the world—maybe you haven't noticed, but things are kind of Not Great in a lot of places, and there's a whole pandemic thing that's been sort of a major buzzkill? How is this something that you're worried about? Make a tea, remind yourself that other people's genitalia and sexual history are none of your business, maybe go watch a video about a cute animal or something.
Fourth: The idea of gold star lesbians is a shitty premise that argues that sexuality is better if it's always been clear-cut and straightforward—but it rarely is. We live in a very, very heterosexist culture. I didn’t have a word for lesbian until many years after I knew that I was one. How can you say that you are something when your mouth can’t even make the shape of it? The person you are at 24 is different to the person you are at 14, and 34, and 74. You change. You get braver. The world gets wider. You learn to see possibilities in the shadows you used to overlook. Of course people learn more about themselves as they age.
Also, many of us, especially those of us who grew up in smaller towns, or who are over the age of, say, 25, grew up in times and places where our sexuality was literally criminal.
Shortly after I graduated high school, a gay man in my state was sentenced to six months in jail. Why? Well, he’d hit on someone, and it was a misdemeanor to "solicit homosexual or lesbian activity", which included expressing romantic or sexual interest in someone who didn’t reciprocate. You might think, then, that I am in fact quite old, but you would be mistaken. The conviction was in 1999; it was overturned in 2002.
I grew up knowing this: the wrong thing said to the wrong person would be sufficient reason to charge me with a crime.
In the United States, the Defense of Marriage Act was passed in 1996, clarifying that according to the federal government, marriage could only ever be between one man and one woman. It also promised that even if a state were to legalize same-sex unions, other states wouldn't have to recognize them if they didn't want to. And wow, they super did not want to, because between 1998 and 2012, a whopping thirty states had approved some sort of amendment banning same-sex marriage.
Every queer person who's older than about 25 watched this, knowing that this was aimed at people like them. Knowing that these votes were cast by their friends and their families and their teachers and their employers.
Some states were worse than others. Ohio passed their bill in 2004 with 62% approval. Mississippi passed theirs the same year with 86% approval. Imagine sitting in a classroom, or at work, or in a church, or at a family dinner, and knowing that statistically, at least two out of every three people in that room felt you shouldn't be allowed to marry someone you loved.
Matthew Shepard was tortured to death in October of 1998. For being gay, for (maybe) hitting on one of the men who had planned to merely rob him. Instead, he was tortured and left to die, tied to a barbed wire fence. His murderers were both sentenced to two consecutive life terms in prison. This was controversial, because a nonzero number of people felt that Shepard had brought it upon himself.
Many of us sat at dinner tables and listened to this discussion, one that told us, over and over, that we were fundamentally wrong, fundamentally undeserving of love or sympathy or of life itself.
This is a tiny, tiny sliver of history—a staggeringly incomplete overview of what happened in the US over about ten years. Even if this tiny sliver is all that there were, looking at this, how could you blame someone for wanting to try being not Like This? How can you fault someone who had sex, maybe even had a bunch of sex, hoping desperately that maybe they could be normal enough to be loved if they just tried harder? How can you say that someone who found themself an uninteresting but inoffensive boyfriend and went on dates and had sex and said that it was fine is somehow less valuable or less queer or less of a lesbian for doing so? For many people, even now, passing as straight, as problematic as that term is, is a survival skill. How dare you imply that the things that someone did to protect themself make them worth less? They survived, and that's worth literally everything.
Fifth, finally: What is a gold star, anyhow? You've capitalized it, like it's Weighty and Important, but it's not. Gold stars were what your most generous grade school teacher put on spelling tests that you did really well on. But ultimately, gold stars are just shiny scraps of paper. They don't have any inherent value: I can buy a thousand of them for five bucks and have them at my door tomorrow. They have only the meaning that we give them, only the importance that we give them. We’re not children desperately scrabbling for a teacher’s approval anymore, though. We understand that good and bad are more of a spectrum than a binary, and that a gold star is a simplification. We understand that no number of gold stars will make us feel like we’re special enough or good enough or important enough, or fix the broken places we can still feel inside ourselves. Only we can do that.
The stars are only shiny scraps of paper. They offer us nothing; we don’t need them. I hope that someday, you see that, too.
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“QUEER”
First of all, let’s clear up a common misconception. Queer does not just mean gay. It’s an umbrella term for an identity which deviates from society’s perceived norm: heterosexual, or straight. Queer can refer to sexualities — gay, bisexual, pansexual, — or it can refer to being gender-queer; i.e, any label that deviates from the perceived gender norm: the binaries, male and female.
“Queer” is a reclaimed slur.
If you do not fall under the umbrella of queerness, it is safe to assume that you cannot use it. At all.
I am bisexual.
This means I experience attraction to plural genders. Pansexual also works fine. For the difference between bisexual and pansexual — see here:
Being bisexual isn’t easy. I went through similar hardships to gay women: I experienced attraction to women and was scared of what this meant for me, in such an oppressively homophobic society.
I am not saying being bisexual is harder than being gay, nor the inverse. But my experiences are distinctly bisexual, not gay.
Without further ado, here are the 3 things I’ve found to be the hardest about being queer, but not gay (enough).
#1: Finding My Place
Or, not being queer enough
I always knew I wasn’t straight, but I didn’t know what I was. Up until recently, I was still questioning. This didn’t feel enough to join groups or conversations with LGBT+ folk, let alone go to pride. Was I even LGBT if I was never L, G, B, or T?
I am still yet to attend a pride, even though I identify (fairly confidently) as bisexual. I am in a relationship with a man. This is (problematically) known as a “straight-passing relationship” and makes me feel even more undeserving of a place at pride.
This has been upsetting to me at times. But for others, it can be outright devastating. Growing up and needing support, but feeling like you’re ‘not gay enough’ to ask for it? So many young people are being left alone and afraid. Finding others like you is vital to figuring out who you are. Likewise, finding spaces which are safe and inclusive is vital for anyone, regardless of their sexuality or gender identity. A friend of mine happens to be a transgender man, and he summed up the issue perfectly:
“One thing that I keep noticing is how all hangout spots are “gay bars”, or (far less common) “lesbian bars”. I’m a straight man, so I don’t feel like I’m supposed to be there, but hanging out at regular bars is still too much of a gamble, so I don’t really have anywhere to go.”
It goes without saying that gay folk aren’t always safe in these spaces, as seen by the homophobic attack on the Pulse nightclub in Orlando, in 2016. Bigotry hurts the entire LGBT+ community. Bigotry doesn’t stop to ask whether you identify as gay or otherwise queer before it pulls the trigger.
But the LGBT+ community itself is much more welcoming to those who “pick a side” and just come out as gay, already. The infighting is inexplicable when one looks to attacks such as that in Orlando: bigots don’t care which letter you are in the acronym. So why does gatekeeping exist when we need to be strong in the face of intolerance when fragmentation only makes us weaker? Who are we helping by continuing to exclude identities from the discussion?
#2: Myths and Misconceptions
Well, it stands to reason that if bisexuals are what they seem in TV and movies, why would anyone want to make them feel included? They’re “greedy” and inauthentic. They’re attention-seeking, not to mention their propensity for threesomes. Now, I haven’t been in a wild orgy yet, but it seems like it will only be a matter of time before I follow my natural path.
Straight men, in particular, need to own up to their assumption that bisexual women are down for a threesome. The thing is, we are. But not with you, you big ASSUMER.
Infidelity
All jokes aside, the stereotyping of bisexuals is not only hurtful, but leads to difficulties finding and maintaining relationships.
As I came to terms with my bisexuality, I also had to accept that I might never be fully trusted by my partner, regardless of their gender or sexuality. I was shocked when my partner reacted to my coming out with the equivalent of a shrug — so much so, that I burst into tears of gratitude that my soul-bearing moment hadn’t been met with slut-shaming or assumptions of disloyalty. Nothing has changed. If anything, our bond is even stronger for me having been more authentic after coming out.
But cruelty came from elsewhere: when I came out, I was told that my partner was to be pitied, either because I’m gay and in denial, or bound to cheat on him. The main consequence of such attitudes has been the crippling fear of coming out to my partner. It saddens me that I felt so relieved when he accepted me for being who I am, and loving him just the same as I always have.
This outcome is not the case for many couples, with straight folk worried that their bisexual partner will realise they’re gay and just leave them. This fear of abandonment comes from a place of ignorance. When the media presents bisexuality as a steppingstone on the way to “picking a team”, it’s no wonder that people struggle to trust their queer partners.
Other Queer Myths
The myth that all trans folk medically transition invalidates those who choose not to do so, and let’s not forget the ignorant jeers that it's all just a mental illness. Asexual folk battle the stereotype that they can never have a relationship and shall forever remain a virgin (because what an awful thing that would be, right?) And pansexuals… well, at the lighter end, they’re asked if they have sex with cooking utensils. But often, they’re erased as irrelevant because “we already have the label bisexual”.
This brings us onto the third and final difficulty that comes with queer folk who aren’t easily categorizable as gay: erasure.
#3: Erasure
Erasure refers to the denial of an identity’s existence or its validity as a label.
Non-binary folk face ongoing and loud claims that they simply do not exist. This is despite the historical and scientific evidence to the contrary. Plus, the most important evidence — them, existing. Asexual folk are told they simply have not found the right person yet, or that they are just afraid of sex. Demi-sexual folk are told “everyone feels like that, unless they’re just sleeping around!”. And bisexuals are dismissed as simply being in denial that they’re gay.
Monosexuality & The Gender Binary
Our culture is so built on monosexuality (being solely attracted to one gender — for instance, gay or straight). Monosexuality is reinforced through everything from marriage to dating apps, the media to what we teach in schools. People cannot fathom that someone might want to experience more than one gender in their lifetime.
The binary models of sex and gender are also deeply ingrained. These rigid belief systems combined are to blame for our inability to accept that bisexuals do not need to “pick a side”. I was paralysed by fear for 17 years because I found girls attractive and that might mean I’m gay, because bisexuals are just gays who haven’t realised they’re gay yet.
Bierasure
Bierasure is dangerous, firstly because it leads a child to have to internalise both biphobia and homophobia. For instance, I had to work through being taught to hate gayness, whilst being taught that any attraction to non-male genders made me gay.
Women were cute, and so I was gay, and this meant I was disgusting.
My own mother told me this. She also told me that something has “gone wrong in the womb” for a child to be gay. (Well, Mum, I’ve got some bad news about your womb!)And she, like any bigot, extended this theory to anyone who experiences same-sex attractions — anyone queer. This is another reason why bi-erasure is perilous. Whether you’re a gay, cis-male or a demi-bisexual, trans woman… if your parents will kick you out for being gay, they will likely kick you out for being any sort of queer.
If we deny the bigotry that bisexuals undergo, we will continue to suffer. It won’t just go away. It will fester, with bisexuals having no one they can go to who believes them. And thus:
Erasure Kills
Bullying and suicide rates of queer-but-not-gay people continue to sky-rocket. We must direct funding, support and compassion to every queer individual, as they are all vulnerable to discrimination and bullying. The problem is being left to fester. This is in part because bigots treat all queer labels as just ‘gay’, deeming them equally unworthy. This is how far erasure can go.
Conclusion
Earlier on, I stated that my experiences are distinctly bisexual. The same applies to any queer identity.
Emphasising our differing paths and struggles is important to avoid the aforementioned erasure of already less visible groups. But this does not mean that the LGBT+ community should be fragmented by these differences.
If we can unite in our hope to live authentically and love freely, we will be stronger against bigotry. We are fighting enough intolerance from without: there is no need to create more from within.
So out of everything, what’s the hardest part about being bisexual?
It’s the fact that nobody knows it’s this hard.
#bisexuality#bisexuality is valid#bi tumblr#support bisexuality#bi#bi pride#pride#lgbtq pride#lgbtq#lgbtq community#bisexual education#bisexual youth#bi youth#support bisexual people#respect bisexual people#bisexual representation#bisexual injustice#bisexual equality#bisexual erasure#bi erasure#bisexual community#bisexual#bisexual facts#bisexual info#bisexual tips#queer#bisexual rights
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You’re right, it is very annoying how some people (usually a certain brand of Zukka shippers) insist that Zuko HAS to be gay and Toph HAS to be a lesbian.
I mean we all know that the only reason that they think Zuko HAS to be gay is so that people won’t ship him with women instead of with Sokka.
I also find that a lot of Zukkas will insist that Mai, Ty Lee, Toph, and sometimes even Suki and/or Yue all HAVE to be lesbians. You know what all of those girls have in common? They all canonically dated or expressed romantic interest in Zuko or Sokka. Connect the dots.
Obviously not everyone who has those headcanons is like that. People can and should be allowed to headcanon characters however they want. Personally I view Zuko as bisexual and Toph as straight (none of the popular F/F Toph ships appeal to me and I generally find that portrayals of her as LGBT aren’t to my tastes because some - not all - people who headcanon her as such will often exaggerate her masculinity/androgyny far beyond the extent to which it exists in canon in order to make her the “man” in the relationship as well as ignore that the reasons for her gender nonconformity are heavily tied to her trauma and disability and have very little to do with sexuality, which is something that squicks me out. Also dislike how society at large seems to really hate the idea of GNC women being with men because that means they’ll be forced to reconsider their perception of gender roles within M/F relationships). However, those are just my interpretations.
"it is very annoying how some people (usually a certain brand of Zukka shippers) insist that Zuko HAS to be gay and Toph HAS to be a lesbian."
yes exactly! i'm all for people having their head canons, but there is no reason to shame others because they have a different one than you. it reeks of privilege because no head canon is more "right" than another. and also, why are we gatekeeping characters from having other lgbtq+ identities that other fans can identify with? seems very exclusionary to me.
i think the thing that bothers me about zookas is that they will take scenes like the jinko fountain scene and use it as "proof" that he's gay. bc zuko hesitated at first and also because he pulled away and ran away. like, there's so many other reasons for that, including the one that's actually, ya know, canon. zuko was nervous. it's his first teenaged date, so ofc he would be a bit awkward about it. not to mention that he is a decent enough person to not want to complicate a girl's feelings for him because she doesn't know the real him. he even says in the tale of the earth kingdom novelization that he likes this girl. and he says in canon that he had a nice time. that's not to say that people can't head canon what they want, but to say things like "there's no het explanation for this." there's literally several, actually.
another thing that i've seen is zookas use the "zuko gay" in response to zutaras, but then they'll also simultaneously ship m*iko. and it's just so obviously a bias/convenience thing because if you hc him as gay (which is fine), why would you like a ship of him with a woman??? just say you hate zutara and go.
back to toph, because i've been meaning to speak on this for a while. so toph is my favorite character and i head canon her as nonbinary and pansexual. it is actually partially through my appreciation of toph's character that i realized that i was nonbinary. so when certain people gatekeep and confine her to one identity because of stereotypical traits and behaviors, i take it very personal.
none of toph's popular F/F ships appeal to me either, but i do see her as LGBTQ+. i have to agree that the way she is masculinized does cause me significant discomfort, especially wrt to people who do so to limit her "desirability" for aang.
i also find that a lot of people will head canon aang as nonbinary or GNC (i do as well). so in the case of toph being lesbian, she could potentially still be attracted to aang. so why then, do people act like it would just be a het relationship? it doesn't make sense. they're both queer as fuck. not to mention that i've had to endure months on twitter with people saying that kateeng is wlw (which gives me the HIVES) because aang is nonbinary. so suddenly, when it's taang, aang's a straight man and/or toph would have to be straight. these people talk themselves into circles i swear. it's just easier to admit that you want aang only for katara than to sit here and come up with flimsy excuses.
i wish people would just admit that they don't think toph is feminine enough for aang. i've seen so many shitty takes about how toph would be abusive to aang and always hurt him, or that they would argue a lot (which is comical because kateeng canonically has 3 big fights.) it's just upsetting how toph is treated and perceived by certain people in the fandom to push their agendas.
for me personally, i see aang and toph as nonbinary pan. so i see their relationship pretty much free of gender roles and they are equals. they already have a good foundation for childhood friends to lovers. i just don't get why people hate taang so much and would instead rather invest time in a ship with a side character from ONE comic (no offense to any tophl*ngs out there, but the ship literally gives me not one fuzzy feeling.) in lieu of her best friend that she spends two seasons with, has multiple interactions with in the comics, etc. i feel like this is mainly because toph isn't perceived as "shippable" and is cast to the side, which sucks because she's my favorite character.
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@featherrwbyrnjr, okay, but how can you expect me to see this if you blocked me? Anyway, this is gonna be long, so strap in!
Okay, but it’s not one person, it’s several. I said a friend, but that friend interacts with many like minded folks. I’ve seen it all. I understand what’s going on. I may not be in the fandom, but I’ve witnessed from afar. I’ve seen enough to understand the basics, something you still clearly lack.
Fine, if it wasn’t you, then I take it back that on this occassion, it wasn’t you, tho I’m still doubtful with how much I’ve seen of you and how many enemies you’ve made. It’s not farfetched to assume it’s you. Point still stands tho; don’t shame content creators for making content. Just say you dislike the ship and go (which is 100% valid btw, and if people hate you for it, then those are bad eggs you avoid).
Yeah but... it’s still canon, like, pretty much... While it’s not in your face “I love you”, it’s clear what the intentions are meant to be. One of the VAs did a whole stream, and in one moment, he was asked what he wished he could’ve said that didn’t make it into the game, the line being something along the lines of “we would’ve been great together.”
Sure, VAs are not the creators of the game, but this goes in par with a statement about how the Shuake relationship is supposed to be a love story. It’s not pretty, Goro being an antagonist who is problematic, but... ships are allowed to be problematic. And he even changes and becomes a better person, because of Joker.
Sorry, but that’s false. There are plenty of multi-shippers out there who don’t just “tolerate” other ships but downright engage with it. My friend is one of them, and she even has friends who also don’t like Shuake. What do they do? They mute it and move on, and nothing else is said on the matter. If you’re seeing people that are doing otherwise, then yet again, maybe avoid them and find people who won’t shit on you, which by the way, you seem to bundling all these people in a bucket and labelling them “problematic” when they’ve done nothing wrong. There’s a reason you’re well known...
People have even tried to reach out to you to help you because this is completely not healthy, but all you’ve done is smack away any offered hands. We can only do so much...
Gatekeeping, there’s that word again. Do you not even comprehend what your actions are doing? You’re the one gatekeeping! “Don’t ship Shuake because it’s a toxic ship! Meanwhile, I’m hogging Goro all to myself.” My friend is not a gatekeeper. In fact, she fought back against gatekeepers. She’s a very open person who welcomes all ships and things. She literally doesn’t give a fuck.
Again, if you run into negative people, block them and move on. Not everyone is out to get you, and if you’d only give them a chance, who knows, you might make some friends. Hell, if you realized what you were doing, they might still welcome you, but you are hell bent on burning bridge after bridge until there’s nothing but cinders.
Actually, let me you a story. Last year, there was a BIG ruckess in another fandom I’m in, and it was ugly. Very ugly. Why? Because many of the fans considered one of the characters to be 100% gay. While I also believed he was, I could see the potential of him not being. My friend (same as the above) was also very heavily involved, because she saw him as bisexual.
There’s little evidence that he was anything but gay, but that didn’t mean he just was purely on what we saw. Of course, many did not like this, and a lot of noise happened. I ended up blocking a lot of people and also being blocked in the process, because they couldn’t handle the possibility of a character being bi, even tho it was never stated he was gay, just hinted at.
Besides, it’s fandom, and things change. Sexualities change, gender changes, all things can change. But no, they’re of the purity culture brand, and if you said something that wasn’t the popular thing, you were shunned. It made me consider leaving the fandom, but I remained.
You see... I too have dealt with such people, and there may be a lot of them. If there are, then don’t give them a second look. Seek out people who are open to discussing all and other things. They exist. If you had a bad experience, then I am sorry, okay? No one should feel that way in any fandom. Fandoms are meant to be fun. I want you to have fun. I do. I don’t want you stressing and yelling and pushing people away.
So I had heard that you use to create content for it, but I implore... do it again. Create solo Goro content. By all means, if you truly aren’t ready or don’t wish to, then don’t, but also, don’t let people win. People will welcome your solo Goro content. There’s nothing wrong with solo content of anything. He doesn’t need to be tied a ship 24/7, but he’s still going to be tied to that ship quite heavily, but it’s not 100%. Nothing will ever be 100%, because you’re allowed to hate the ship, and others do too, and that is fine!
2 years then. 2 years... That’s still a long time. Perhaps tho... these people you interacted with have moved on from the fandom, and in turn, in 2 years, many people have since joined the fandom. Perhaps you are comparing people from 2 years ago to people today. If any of those people from 2 years ago are still around, then don’t engage. They aren’t worth your time if you were polite about an opinion that you have no control over. Liking a ship is like liking a genre of music or TV show. You can’t force it.
You are allowed to want to see solo Goro content, and people do, or ship him with someone else that isn’t Joker. It exists. It won’t be as popular of course, because that’s just the nature of their relationship so of course many are going to be drawn to it, but that doesn’t mean everyone is drawn to it.
You realize you don’t have to pay people within the fandom, right? You can just... approach literally any artist/writer and go “hey, this is what I want, yadda yadda”, they create the thing, you get your thing, badda bing badda boom. However, if you did wish approach someone within the fandom, then do so... So long as they aren’t a jackass about your dislike for the ship, they will most likely create the thing you ask for. People like money, so it pays to be open minded about other ships instead of just refusing said money just because they perosnally don’t like it.
To anyone who went after you, that’s still not a reason to lash on other people for them to witness you at your worst. You’re literally not giving any of us a reason to believe you are approachable, but you’re just angry. To anyone who made you feel like shit, then fuck them, okay? FUCK. THEM. But that doesn’t mean others are going to do the same. I don’t think a single fandom is immune to toxicity of some variety. It’s never going to go away, and that’s the price you pay for being in fandoms.
I admit, my sources are not coming from the source, but from what I’ve seen from others. So give us a reason on why you aren’t the person we all think you are. All I see from you is hate, hate, hate. I don’t want you to be unhappy. In fact, I feel bad for you, scared for you even, because there’s nothing but hatred and foulness coming from you. You can’t expect people to see you and go “yeah, this person is totally approachable.” No, you’re intimidating.
If people pushed you out of your lane, then take it back! It’s okay to not like Shuake or any popular ship. If people are dicks about it, then call them dicks, but the others won’t care if you don’t like it. We’re allowed to like different things.
I’ve said my peace.
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About the blatant racism I’ve seen here:
First of all @rosiemercy I’m sorry you had to get that in your asks. It genuinely made me feel gross reading that people actually think that way especially considering how open GVF is about being peaceful and accepting of everyone.
I would also like to say that without black people and other poc, the music we listen to and enjoy would not exist today(ie, pop, rock and roll, hip hop, r&b, and so much more). So to say the rock is “white peoples culture” is probably the worst music related take I’ve seen, and also very blatantly racist.
I’m sorry to break this to some of you but people are allowed to criticize GVF for things that they have done that make people feel uncomfortable and unsafe in the community. The majority of criticism I’ve seen isn’t cancelling or trying to ruin people’s career, it’s wanting accountability and for them to learn from their mistakes and come out as better people.
Trying to gatekeep Rock from all poc is fucking stupid, it is not our culture. And the reasoning behind it is racism that you try to hide and also not wanting the people you idolize to receive any criticism for the mistakes they’ve made.
My asks and dms are open for people that want to vent or talk about anything. I will except you no matter your race, sexuality, gender, or religion. I will also say that this is not a dedicated GVF blog, nor do I expect to turn into one, but feel free to talk to me about anything.
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Hey everyone! I realize Pride Month just ended, but I wanted to talk about Asexuality for a minute, so I hope you'll indulge me since I have no idea what day it is normally and missed the obvious chance xD
So my discovery that I was Ace happened when I was in Korea circa 2016, although I'd heard of it a few years before, from the Girls with Slingshots web comic! Both of these things occurred long after I was already an adult, however, and its existence is something I sorely wish I'd known about as a teenager. Hence, I'd really like to spread information about Asexuality to those who might not know anything, so you can be more comfortable with the idea, more informed, and perhaps pass that information to others around you who might be confused and questioning themselves! Pass it on, save a life! (Or at least a LOT of heartache and confusion!) If you already know stuff, great! You’re awesome! <3
So what IS Asexuality? Is it like, budding? Haha, funny joke. (Not really.) Asexuality is simply the lack of sexual attraction to anyone. It is an umbrella term for a lot of different classifications of Aces, but that's the basics. Allosexuals would be what is considered 'normal'--people who do experience sexual attraction. And yes, this is completely different from ROMANTIC attraction! But we'll get to that a bit later!
Why are Asexuals considered part of the LGBTQIA+ rainbow? Well, it's right there in the letters! The A never stood for ally--it always meant Asexual. We've been there since the very beginning! The Queer community envelopes all people whose gender and sexual identities fall outside the norm--so when our society, and humanity as a whole, so idealizes sex and sexual relations, I think not feeling those urges more than qualifies us! And if that weren't enough, Asexuals experience plenty of stigma and harassment--even gatekeeping from within the community, which is extremely unfortunate. In fact, in online social spaces, ESPECIALLY tumblr, Asexuality went through a major witchhunt about 5 years ago, where the waves of anti-Ace rhetoric were so bad that they basically eradicated the community and forced aces back into the closet. Things are better now, but the ramifications are still sorely felt. Aces also have a much higher chance of unstable relationships, as sex and the desire to have sex plays such a large role in romantic relationships. If you are allosexual, imagine being in a relationship where your partner never wants to have sex, and trying to understand that that doesn't reflect at all on you or how much they love you. It's hard, right? I'm not saying that Ace/Allo relationships can't happen, but it takes a LOT of work and communication!! (Uhm, and also plenty of allo people just have a low libido, so please remember not to be forcing your partners into unwanted sexual activities!!)
So let's talk more about the specific wording. 'Sexual attraction'. Simply put, that is the feeling when you look at someone, and you KNOW that you want to have sexual relations with them. Your body has reactions that might let you know this, like an erection, and you could imagine yourself doing those things. Aces aren't like that! We don't have those urges. I could go the rest of my life happily not having sex--and I've never looked at someone and wanted to do that. Now, like I said, there are quite a few umbrella versions, but that is the general description. Important things to note however: Asexual people CAN CHOOSE to have sex! If you're an Allo who has ever done it with someone you weren't exactly turned on by, then you can understand what I'm talking about. Some Aces can even ENJOY the act of sex! The two aren't necessarily related--remember, we're just talking about lacking the basic spark of sexual attraction. On the flip side, some Aces are so sex repulsed that the very idea makes them sick. If you know an Ace person, you should ask their opinion on sex before you talk about it with them--it might make them EXTREMELY uncomfortable! On that note, plenty of Asexual people are in the kink community, and enjoy BDSM. How can that be, you might ask? Well, for one, read above again about Aces and Sexual relations. But also, if you aren't in those communities, you may not realize just how much power plays into that. Some people enjoy the power play more than the sex!! So if your knee-jerk reaction to finding out someone is Ace and has sex is to think they are 'faking it', please...don't. You can't know what a person's internal workings are like.
So, why would an Asexual person want a relationship? How would that even work, anyway? Isn't it just like being friends? Well I'm glad you asked! Remember earlier when I said that Asexuality is only about the lack of SEXUAL attraction? ROMANTIC attraction has its own categories! Aromantics are people who aren't ROMANTICALLY attracted to other people. I won't get into that here, but suffice it to say that Aces can be as romantic and loving as anyone else, and many want a happy relationship! As for being like friends--imagine your partner or spouse. If you suddenly couldn't have sex with them, would it feel like the two of you were 'just friends'? No, of course not! Romantic attachment forms bonds that are completely different from platonic friendship. Lack of sex isn't the only thing that keeps your friendships from being 'romantic relationships', and if it is, you, uh...might want to reevaluate some things!!
A few other common items I want to mention before I bring this quick Ace 101 course to a close: Is being Ace just like being celibate? Not at all! Choosing to remain celibate is just that--a CHOICE. Someone who is celibate still has all their natural sexual attraction, they are just choosing not to act on those feelings for whatever reason. Aces don't have those urges, or that natural sexual attraction!
Can you become Asexual through trauma or other reasons? The long and the short answer is: Yes. One of the great things about the LGBTQIA+ community is that you should be free to come and go as you discover more about your own truth. That is also why gatekeeping is so dangerous--you shouldn't have to 'register' as Gay or Ace or Trans, or present as those things in a way that suits other people. If you, in your heart, find that one of these labels suits you, then that is what you are for now! Gender and sexuality are a journey most people aren't encouraged to discover until they're older. If you realize you are Ace at 70, you are just as valid as someone who found out earlier, or someone who underwent severe trauma and now no longer feels sexual attraction. If YOU are comfortable with where you're at, that's the only thing that matters! But if it is something that causes you distress, then please look into it. Sometimes lack of sexual attraction IS caused by physical or psychological factors that can be reversed. (Although again, more often than not it simply causes lack of libido, not necessarily lack of attraction.)
Last but not least...what's the thing with the cake? Haha! Good question! When Aces were beginning to find one another and set up their own communities, several inside jokes began to emerge. Imagery of ace playing cards, dragons, 'space ace', and of course cake, sprang up as quirky ways to reference that. The idea being that you would rather have cake than sex!!
I really hope I didn't miss anything obvious, but I'm just writing this on the fly because realizing my Asexuality was such a huge stepping-stone on my path to being more comfortable with myself, and understanding myself as a whole. I spent my teenage years terrified of and yearning for a relationship--the reason being, of course, that in my mind, dating and sex went hand in hand, and I wanted the one but was terrified of the other. So many people take sexual attraction for granted, without realizing how alienating that can be for people who DON'T feel that attraction. It's pervasive!! It's everywhere! And then to be treated as though that expectation isn't as all-encompassing as it is, or that it actually doesn't exist at all, is cultural gaslighting.
Anyway! I hope everyone had a wonderful pride month. <3 Hope to see you for the next one! Have an awesome July as well, what the heck! And if you have any questions about Asexuality, my messages are always open. I aim to inform. (And feel free to share this if you want!! Knowledge is power, but making things that seem awkward to talk about less taboo is ALSO power!)
#Pride month#Asexual pride#Asexuality#Ace#Forgive me if any of the details here are inaccurate or exaggerated#I'm not a doctor or a Queer Historian#just an Ace person trying to make asexuality more well known#this is obviously more for allos/cis/het people than people in the queer community#if you have anything to add feel free to stick it in the comments#but please be kind!#<3#long post#text post#sketchy talks
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Hello there! I’ve seen a lot of posts going around, defining different terms and communities that you might come across while exploring the age regression side of tumblr. However, I’ve never seen an overall guide, so I’ve set out to make an easy-peasy guide to all the complicated terms you might encounter! This guide includes 1) Minor-Safe Age Regression Communities, 2) Kink Tags, and 3) Common ‘DNI’ Terms.
Please let me know if there’s a term I’ve missed, or a community I’ve misrepresented! This is a pretty basic introduction to a lot of complex concepts, so if you have more questions please feel free to get in touch with me.
Even if you know the basics, this guide is probably worth a scan to see if there are any terms that you haven’t seen before, and you can also fact-check my writing while you’re at it, helping out anyone else who reads this in the future.
With that said, let’s get into it!
Part One: Minor-Safe Age Regression Communities
Age Regression: The term ‘age regression’ as an umbrella term that is used to describe any experience where a person returns mentally to childhood. It can be a coping strategy to deal with stress, a reaction to trauma or mental illness, or just a natural part of someone’s life. In tags, ‘age regression’ is often shortened to ‘agere’. (Be aware: kink communities also sometimes use ‘agere’ and ‘age regression’ tags! They aren’t inherently minor-safe or non-sexual, so use caution and common sense.)
CGLRE: Stands for ‘caregiver/little regression’. Cglre is one of the oldest regression communities that exists on tumblr, as well as one of the most popular. Cglre is controversial because it uses ‘littlespace’ terminology. (A regressor is called a ‘little’ and their caregiver is usually called ‘mommy,’ ‘daddy’ or similar parental titles.) Littlespace terms are used in cglre to describe regression, but they’re also used by kink blogs to describe submission. On the surface, this means that cglre looks similar to kink blogs, but most cglre members are very dedicated to being minor-safe, separate from kink, and discussing therapeutic, coping-related, non-sexual age regression.
(Note: CGLRE subcommunities and tags are abundant! The tags ‘liltot,’ ‘agere society,’ ‘nsre,’ ‘dxlg,’ and others are all cglre-based communities. You can find huge lists of cglre subcommunities on this blog because there are too many to cover here!)
CHIRE: Stands for ‘child regression.’ Chire evolved as a response to cglre, as a regression community that doesn’t allow littlespace terminology, or interaction with blogs who allow it. Because of the harsh lines they draw between communities, they are also a controversial group, but many people have positive experiences with it!
Non-Comm Regression: Short for ‘non-community regression.’ Non-comm regressors don’t identify as part of cglre, chire, or any of the smaller sub-communities that exist under age regression. Often, they interact with multiple communities, as well as with other non-comm regression blogs.
Pet Regressors: Some people feel less like kids when they regress, and prefer to identify as animals! ‘petreg’ or pet regression is the word for people who regress as animals. This might be connected to otherkin identities (people who self-identify as something not human, possibly an animal or possibly something more abstract) or might just be their own way of regressing!
Age Dreaming: Age dreaming, which is sometimes shortened to ‘agedre,’ is a minor-safe community focused on recapturing childhood outside of regression. Age dreamers take comfort in childish and nostalgic things while not mentally regressing (or not fully regressing, depending on the age dreamer).
System Littles: The term ‘little’ has a different meaning when applied to someone in a system. A ‘system’ is formed from a variety of experiences, including childhood trauma and dissociative disorders, when a mind copes by developing rifts in their memory and personality, forming different people within one body as they grow older. This collection is called a system. System members may interact with age regressors for multiple reasons. Firstly, some systems have littles, which doesn’t refer to an age regressor when it’s used about a system member. A system little a system member who is a child, contained within an adult body. Some system littles find community in age regression spaces, but most prefer to keep separate from agere groups. Secondly, some system members are age regressors, or ‘age-sliders,’ which is an experience kind of like regression, but is specific to system members. So systems have all kinds of reasons to be part of the age regression community!
SFW Agere: This means ‘safe for work age regression.’ This usually means ‘non-sexual age regression’ or ‘minor-safe age regression,’ but not always! Please see the sections on ‘sfw kink’ down below.
Dual-Comm: Short for ‘dual community’. People call themselves ‘dual-comm’ regressors if they are sfw age regressors that also participate in kink communities in their adult headspace. People with sfw regression blogs might indicate that they are dual-comm regressors so that people can block them if that makes them uncomfortable, or because it is an important part of their relationship to regression, even if they don’t post about it on their regression blog.
Part Two: Kink Tags and Communities
(Note: I won’t go as deeply into kink communities because I’ve created this guide for age regressors, and want to mention kink groups mostly to raise awareness of what can’t be reblogged onto a minor-safe regression account.)
Cross-Tagging: The act of ‘cross-tagging’ is when someone tags a post with both minor-safe community tags like ‘cglre’ and kink community terms like ‘ddlg.’ This is bad because it exposes minors to kink communities, which is dangerous for everyone involved. It also might expose regressed people to sexual content, which can be triggering depending on their experience of age regression. That’s why it’s important to know which tags belong to kink communities, so you can block and avoid them if you want to have a minor-safe regression blog!
Age Play: ‘age play’ is an umbrella term for any kink dynamic in which one person consents to being treated as a child for the purpose of submission.
DDLG/CGL: Stands for ‘daddy dom/little girl’ and ‘caregiver/little,’ respectively. These are kink communities that use littlespace terminology to talk about sexual relationships. There is also ‘mdlb’ which stands for ‘mommy dom/little boy,’ and same-gender variants like ‘mdlg’ and ‘ddlb’. (If you run a minor-safe tumblr blog, it is very important to have all of these tags blocked so that you don’t accidentally reblog from an unsafe source!)
ABDL: Stands for ‘adult baby diaper lover.’ This is a kink community centered around diapers. They might also identify with the term ‘omorashi’ or use it as a tag on their posts.
SFW Kink: Stands for ‘safe for work kink.’ This can be used to refer to non-explicit kink posts or to platonic, non-sexual kink. Either way, kink being ‘sfw’ does not mean that it is minor-friendly!
NSAP: Stands for ‘non-sexual age play,’ which is an approach to age play often (but not always) linked to coping with stress, rather than explicit sexual gratification.
(Note on non-sexual age play: There is a misconception in the age regression community that all kink is inherently sexual. Some people use age play as a coping strategy without involving sexual elements. That said, even non-sexual age play isn’t minor-safe because it is still a power-play dynamic that minors cannot (and should not) consent to. I say this because it is important to a) not cross-tag nsap with minor-safe communities and b) not bring power-play into sfw agere spaces. If you are an adult and you are more drawn to the rules and discipline of littlespace, please explore on the non-sexual kink side so that we can foster a safe space without power dynamics for minor regressors!)
Part Three: Common DNI Acronyms
Content Warning: mentions of transphobia, eating disorders, and pedophilia.
(Note: We’ve already covered a lot of the acronyms that you might see on people’s DNI in Parts One and Two. Here are some more you might see. As a general rule, if you’ve never seen the term before, it probably doesn’t apply to you, but it’s always best to Urban Dictionary an unfamiliar word!)
DNI: Stands for ‘Do Not Interact.’ A list of communities that a person doesn’t want to interact with their content, usually for personal comfort. It is always important to read a person’s DNI and respect it. A person’s DNI can be on their post in the form of a banner/image, or in their blog description, their ‘BYF’ (Before You Follow) page, or linked in their blog description as a ‘carrd.’
TERF: Stands for ‘Trans-Exclusionary Radical Feminist’. TERFs are threatened by trans women in feminist spaces, and believe that womanhood is intrinsically linked to biological femininity (ie. having a womb).
SWERF: Stands for ‘Sex-Work Exclusionary Radical Feminist.’ SWERFs believe that sex work is inherently linked to sexism and gendered violence, and that women cannot freely make the choice to engage in sex work. Some SWERFs believe that women who make this choice are encouraging sexist objectification.
Transmed/Truscum: These terms refer to someone who believes that being transgender must be linked to dysphoria and a desire to medically transition.
Anti-Mogai: The term ‘MOGAI’ stands for ‘marginalized other genders and intersex’ and refers to a community of trans/gender-nonconforming people who use very specific and personal titles to describe their gender. People who are anti-mogai are often part of the transmed community.
Ace Exclus: Short for ‘ace exclusionists,’ it means someone who believes that asexual or aromantic people shouldn’t be welcome in LGBT spaces.
REGs: stands for ‘reactionary exclusionist gatekeepers’ and is an umbrella term for all of the groups above: pretty much, anyone who ‘gatekeeps’ (limits) who gets to be part of the LGBT community.
Anti: I’m not sure what this is actually short for, but I always think of it as ‘anti-ship’. An ‘anti’ is someone who believes people shouldn’t be engaging with problematic media and ships (such as racist media, pedophilic ships, and fanfiction that romanticizes abuse).
Anti-Anti: An anti-anti is someone who doesn’t agree with the above people.
Endogenic Systems/Anti-Endogenic Systems: There’s big debate about whether it’s possible to have a system (see ‘system littles’ in section one) that isn’t formed in response to trauma. The term ‘traumagenic system’ refers to a system created by childhood trauma. ‘Endogenic system’ means a system that is not related to trauma.
Pro-Ana/Thinspo: Stands for ‘pro-anorexia’ and ‘thin inspiration,’ respectively. This is a community based on the encouragement and romanticization of eating disorders. Understandably triggering to a lot of people!
MAP: Stands for ‘Minor Attracted Person,’ which is another word for pedophile (adult attracted to children). Tumblr has an unfortunate community of pedophiles who choose not to seek treatment, and take pride in their identity. They use a miscellany of titles, which is important for people to research and block for safety, especially in age regression circles where there are a lot of vulnerable minors. (Note: If you experience persistent attraction to minors, please talk to a professional about it.This is not your fault but it is your responsibility.)
Littlespace: Some people list ‘littlespace’ or ‘non-system littles’ in their DNI to block kink blogs that use littlespace terminology, as well as CGLRE and related communities that use the same terms. These people aren’t always insinuating that the two groups are the same, but rather that those words make them uncomfortable. So it’s important to respect that if you use littlespace terminology on your regression blog!
18+: This confuses people all the time. Ninety-nine percent of the time, if a person has ‘DNI if 18+’ on their post, they mean don’t interact if you run a minor-unsafe, 18+ only blog, not ‘if you are over the age of eighteen’. (That said, there is a one-percent chance that they actually mean that it’s a minors-only post, so do check if you’re unsure!)
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Congratulations if you’ve made it all the way to the end of this guide! I don’t expect you to remember everything you’ve read, but this guide will be here if you ever want to come back to it to check on a new and confusing term. I’ve spent years being confused by all of these different labels, and there are new ones coming out all the time, so don’t worry about screwing up every once in a while! We can only do our best, and correct ourselves politely when we make a mistake. I hope you have an awesome day, and I’ll see you around in our chaotic little virtual neighbourhood!
#age regression#sfw agere#cglre#agere community#agere ref#agere help#i hope this is helpful for some people!#i get quite a few asks from new people in the community#and there are so many confusing terms!
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My Journey
Hey everyone,
As you will likely know by now I am a trans woman and I live in the UK where lately trans people have been under significant scrutiny by the press, government and groups claiming to be acting in the name of feminism.
One of the arguments used when not directly attacking trans people, is that the medical institutions that help us in the UK fast track us through transition, even the NHS and I know so many trans people in this country that I can say without a shadow of a doubt this is not true. This includes a significant number who have been under the care of Tavistock and Portman, the under 18s service which was recently banned from giving its patients hormone blockers without the approval of the courts.
But anyway, I’m gonna share my story and how lengthy the process actually is and I will warn ahead of time this deals with suicidal ideation, gatekeeping, mental health, etc. So proceed with caution. This will also be a long post.
September/October 2008
I can’t remember which month but it was just before my 16th birthday, my Dad encouraged me to go to my GP regarding my gender dysphoria. I lived with my transphobic Mum at the time and had to go behind her back which was terrifying to say the least. I saw a doctor called Dr Moulsher and explained everything I was going through and his response was, “I don’t think the NHS funds any of this.” He was very ignorant on trans issues but it actually fortunately worked out in my favour, I got lucky, I know, but he just wanted me off of his hands.
I explained in Sheffield there was a GIC (gender identity clinic) operated by the NHS known as Porterbrook and he was just like, “Oh right. Well I’m more than happy to refer you but they likely won’t see you till you are 18.”
He asked me some questions, wrote up a detailed report and put in the referral to “get the ball rolling” as he worded it.
I was terrified at the time of the referral letter going to my home address though and he was like, “Well it needs to be sent somewhere.” So he agreed to send it to my grandparents address.
Later That Year
About a month or so later a letter arrived at my grandparents saying I had been accepted onto Porterbrook’s waiting list, explaining it is substantially long, that they wouldn’t be able to see me till I’m 18, etc. Your typical boiler plate stuff. Also as I understand it they don’t typical accept referrals for under 18s so I got lucky there. I remember getting so excited when I got my letter though, that I took it into school to show all of my friends.
Back then it was a requirement that I have a mental health assessment while on the waiting list though. So I returned to Dr Moulsher who I had become rather comfortable with and had made him my regular GP. He made a referral to the local mental health clinic and that was that.
January/February 2009
A letter came in the post asking me to ring to book at appointment at the local mental health clinic. I couldn’t ring from home cos my Mum would overhear and she was spying on me a lot at the time due to really being against the fact I’m trans. My school - which was a Catholic school shockingly enough - had already decided my home environment had become so toxic that I needed removing from my Mum’s care. They would be a process that wouldn’t be completed till June 2010 but yeah, it had got that bad. Anyway, I ended up asking the school receptionist if I could ring on their phone to book the appointment. That was booked for February.
The appointment was a weird one to say the least. The doctor asked me a quite a lot of questions but these are the ones that stuck out.
So with this first one, I am going to preface with that as far as I am aware, I am white and of white ancestry for all the generations I know of. However I do have remarkably curly hair that left to its own devices grows into an afro (or at least what looks like an afro).
So the first set of questions that stood out;
Dr: What’s your mother’s ethnicity?
Me: White British.
Dr: Sorry, did you say Afro-Caribbean?
Me: No. White British.
Dr: And your father’s ethnicity?
Me: White British.
Dr: Sorry, was that Afro-Caribbean?
Me: Nope. White British.
Not really sure how you can get Afro-Caribbean and White British verbally mixed up but he seemed very adamant at least one of my parents must be Afro-Caribbean.
He then later goes;
Dr: Do you have a partner?
Me: Yes.
Dr: Are they male or female?
Me: I have a girlfriend.
Dr: Then you can’t be trans. You can’t be trans if you like girls.
Me: What about lesbians?
Dr: That’s beside the point.
Shockingly, in the end he agreed with my GP’s assessment that I am trans but Jesus, as you can probably guess from above that mental health assessment was a minefield of weird.
24th October 2010
In June 2010, I was finally removed from my Mum’s care at the age of 17 and placed in supported housing and on the date about I got a phone call from Porterbrook GIC on my 18th birthday no less, inviting me to my first appointment in November.
22nd June 2012
I legally changed my name and title by deed poll to Miss Lily Nichole Robinson.
22nd October 2012
I’d now been at Porterbrook for almost 2 years, had lots of appointments, most of which repeated the same mundane questions and it had started to feel like nothing was ever going to change. I had become increasingly depressed and suicidal and I had decided that if nothing had changed by my 20th birthday I was going to take my own life. I did not want to enter my 20s still living my life as a man. I didn’t want to lose another year of my life.
I remember this date exactly, not because I marked it in my calendar but because Taylor Swift’s album “Red” came out that morning. Despite everything, I was dancing along to 22 that morning while ironing some clothes, before I headed off to Porterbrook. I didn’t really feel like it mattered, I was going to kill myself 2 days later but I figured what is the harm in going through the motions one last time.
I sat there, trying not to let on how miserable I was, didn’t see the point in letting them in on how I was feeling. Nothing would change.
I remember being asked some really gross questions that day though. I got asked if I masturbated and I just declined answering. When challenged I was just like, “I maybe trans and I may hate that equipment but I’m a human being. I still have sexual urges. What do you think the answer is.”
The appointment though, shockingly ended with them telling me they were going to put me on hormones. I was gonna get my estrogen. It was enough to give me a reason to keep on living.
But just bare in mind how close I got to taking my own life there. 2 days away from my 20th birthday. Also it took almost 2 years for them to say they’d be placing me on hormones.
January/February 2013
In January, I had my bloods taken to get a baseline and I was told about options for storing gametes. I did decide to consider this but in the end it ended up being too costly for me at the time. So in February, on a day it was snowing I got the train and was adamant the snow was not stopping me getting to Porterbrook and I had an appointment with the head clinician, Dr Kevin Wylie.
He oddly listed all the testosterone blocker options to me with side effects and risks and all the estradiol options to me with side effects and risks. In the end I chose Cyproterone Acetate for my blocker and Estradiol Valerate pills for my hormones.
50mg per day of Cyproterone Acetate and 2mg per day of Estradiol Valerate. I was ecstatic and took them both the second I got on the bus 😊
May 2013
Slightly unrelated to the medical process but just 3 months in and my mental health had improved drastically. Since I was removed from my Mum’s care I had become a bit of a shut in. I didn’t have any friends, my anxiety was through the roof, I was insanely depressed and I just avoided everything and everyone, only leaving my house for work. Hormones changed that though, I just felt so much happier and I also remember that Spring just being like really vividly aware of the colours of all the flowers and plant life for like the first time in my life. I actually wanted to go out and social and make friends and there was a local LGBT youth group for 18-25 year olds that I decided to join and I started to have and social life again. And by September 2013 I started university and soon came getting drunk with the LGBT Liberation Group at the various socials. I was happy and finally starting to feel like myself.
2013 - 2016
Porterbrook became very gatekeepy in the final stage of my transition. They didn’t like how I dressed. Apparently girls wear dresses while I preferred jeans, t-shirts and hoodies. I didn’t like wearing make-up. I wasn’t the 1950s image of a girl that Porterbrook seemed to expect. I actually have a trans guy friend who around the same time had been told he couldn’t start on testosterone unless he cut his hair short, cos apparently men don’t have long hair.
It pissed me off to no end because I transitioned to be me, not to be a performance of how the world thinks a woman should be. I refused to give ground on how I dressed, etc but in the end I ended up telling a few white lies to get past the final level of gatekeeping. And I can’t remember most of this dates as they happened while uni was going on in the background. But eventually Porterbrook gave me the go ahead for surgery, about 6 months later I had my second opinion and then I was referred for surgery.
January 2016
I had my pre-surgery assessment at Nuffield Health Brighton and I was told if I wanted I could have my surgery as early as March 2016. Due to university though, this proved a bit too soon and the date was pushed to June 2016.
22nd June 2016
The day before the EU Referendum I had my gender reassignment surgery. I don’t actually remember feeling all that ecstatic after the surgery. There was lot of pain and I was on a lot of drugs. But a friend, Rosie, who I hadn’t seen since high school lived in the area and she was at my bedside when I woke up. I was in hospital a week and had 3 months of recovery ahead of me.
Post Surgery 2016
Having surgery had been great, things finally felt right. My entire body felt right for once but I had tunnel visioned my life towards surgery and put a lot of stuff on the back burner and had some major post-surgery depression so I sort counselling at my university to get through these issues and once that was sorted I felt a lot more stable in myself and like nothing was in my way.
October 2016
I put in my application for my Gender Recognition Certificate only for it to get rejected because they did not like the assessment from Porterbrook GIC and Dr Wylie who wrote the assessments was off on leave. Me and a nurse had to sit down and look through my medical record to find a medical report they might accept and we finally found one. However they wouldn’t say what was wrong with the original which made Porterbrook kinda stumped on what was wrong.
February 2017
I received my Gender Recognition Certificate and my new Birth Certificate.
March 2017
I was discharged from Porterbrook GIC.
For those who are under the impression gender reassignment is a fast process it isn’t, it took me 8 years and 6 months start to finish, from initially seeing my GP at 15 to finally being discharged from Porterbrook GIC at the age of 24. It is a long ass process with a shit tone of gatekeeping and honestly going through the process as it stands isn’t something I’d wish on my worst enemy. When I was discharged from Porterbrook GIC in 2017 my first thought was, “I’m free. I’m finally in control of my own life.” As up until that point, I felt I had no autonomy and that my life and happiness was in the hands of doctors. It was miserable.
But there it is.
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i got angry. and when i get angry, i rant. and when i rant, i need to share the rant with the void of social media, just to have an outlet.
if you don't agree with me, i don't care. not looking for discourse.
i watched this video, for context. literally no one cares but idk
https://youtu.be/5uaJ1XyRwrU
Ok this is about to be long so bear with me.
To begin with, why are we still gatekeeping? It's 2020. Queers should stick together instead of debating who's identity is "valid" or not. Let people be who they want to be.
Also, I don't know what your views on trans people are (think you've made videos with trans folk so I'm guessing you're not intentionally being transphobic), but the preferred pronoun law is actually meant to PROTECT trans people. Which is fucking needed. In 2020 alone there have been at least 36 people killed in the US for being trans. There are probably a lot more, considering murdered trans people often get misgendered by the cops and the statistics don't include them. World wide, more than 3000 trans folk have been murdered for being trans in the last 11 years. And again, there's surely a lot more we don't know about.
The preferred pronoun law that you mock is life saving. It keeps trans people from being outed where it would be dangerous to be outed. Most trans people are killed by someone they know. Yes, the law is there to provide an encitement to use trans folk's correct pronouns because it can induce extreme dysphoria to be misgendered, but more importantly, it's there so a trans person's coworker or boss is less likely to mis-gender them and out them.
And the part where you said you can get a fine for misgendering when you make an honest mistake; no, you can't. At least, that's not what the law is for. The law is for repeated misgendering, demanding license or medical proof that you are biologically the gender you identify as, etc.
As you may have already guessed by my passion for this topic, I am myself trans. Non-binary, to be precise.
Now, I know that we as humans love to label things. I love to label things. I love labeling myself! I like knowing other people's labels! When someone identifies as merely "queer", I get this itchy feeling of: "yeah, but what ARE you?"
I get wanting to label things. What I do NOT get is aggresively stating that someone's identity is invalid. Identifying as simply "queer" is fine! If that's what you resonate with, go for it! Does it irk me that I don't know what that means exactly for you? Yes. Does my inherent need to categorise people start shouting for attention? Absolutely. But it's their identity, and that's cool! It is really none of my business, as long as I know what pronouns to use.
Now, I understand the confusion and anger around this. Before I came out as or even knew I was non-binary, I identified as a lesbian. Love being a lesbian! It's great! I really identified with that term, and I still do.
But then I realised I was trans, and thought hey, I'm not a woman, can I still label myself as a lesbian? Should I just say I identify as "attracted to women"? Say I'm gynosexual and confuse everyone including myself?
I went with just calling myself a lesbian, because that is the term I've used about myself for years. When you said that this word is very important to some people, you were right. Where you were wrong, however, was when you implied that it isn't hugely important to us, too.
Because here's the thing: gender and sex are not the same thing, and more importantly, gender and what pronouns you prefer are not always directly correlated. I know this might confuse you. That's totally fine! I'm confused about everything almost all the time, I feel you! But it is how many trans people feel. I get this tingly awesome feeling when someone refers to me as he/him, because I want to be percieved as masculine. I don't feel like a man, but I want to be seen as masculine or androgynous. I use they/them pronouns, because it's easier than explaining that sometimes I want to be called him, but sometimes not, and basically explain my entire gender to someone.
I understand this feels threatening. It feels like someone is taking away your identity that means so much to you, and that you might have endured a lot of hardship for having.
But remember, us trans people have gone through shit, too. I don't mean to in any way compare the two struggles. I don't want to sit here and say "we have it worse", because really, it doesn't really matter. What matters is this: I get misgendered every day. When you're a binary trans, you can pass for being cis and automatically be called what you want. That will never happen for me. Unless someone asks me my pronouns (which is the best, try it), they are going to assume I'm a female. And I don't blame them! I see boobs, I think girl, too.
Now, imagine you have struggled with figuring out yourself for a long time, and you finally, finally find what you are. What you identify with. And then someone says that you can't identify as that, because you don't fit the mould. News flash, I never fit the mould anywhere, ever! The one place I have always felt safe and happy is within the queer community. And that's why gatekeeping fucks me up so much. Because people like me, who have been the weirdo all their life, hating their body and not knowing why, being confused and scared, not daring to come out, not wanting to draw attention to myself, finally find a place to belong. And then you get shut down. It feels awful.
Explaining that gender and pronouns don't have a direct correlation is hard. Because you can't really explain it. It's just a statement. Like: gender and sex aren't the same thing, but even harder, since it's based on experiences and not the fact that is: trans people excist.
Now, I know that this might have been focused more on cis women who use the pronouns he/him. And yes, like you said, pronouns do indeed give a big indication on what gender identity someone has. But it doesn't HAVE to. They might have a weird or bad relationship with their femininity for various reasons, or they might just feel like a woman but not identify with the female pronouns.
For example, I have a gender I know what my feels like. But I can't explain it for the life of me. Try explaining your gender in detail! It's a lot harder than you think, and it gets even harder to explain when the words aren't even invented.
A he/him lesbian is not a man trying to make fun of your identity, I promise. It's someone who either doesn't have any other word to use (like me), feels a strong connection to the word and associated identity (also me), or a woman who doesn't want to be labeled as she/her for various reasons, but who is attracted to other women. We are not here to shit on your identity! Please don't shi on ours!
I know that probably no one will read this absolute monster of a comment, and that's ok. I got so upset I actually teared up a little bit, so I felt like I had to express myself or I would be thinking about it indefinitely.
Please, if anyone's reading: be respectful. Understand that understanding others is hella difficult, but we have to try, and that both gender and sexuality is very fluid and complicated.
I tried to be as respectful as possible, please have the same courtesy if you intend to commt on my comment, so to speak.
Sad but hopeful lesbian signing off!
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Hi! I’m Ace!
Hi, I am ace. Not like the ace of spades but rather ace as in the slang for Asexual. And here I am, telling you, a stranger this. Not just a stranger but many. Writing essays, countless posts, and telling the world as kindly as possible about how I exist is pretty exhausting. But it is more exhausting being invisible. So now I join a movement, an invisible one fighting for visibility, so that maybe, just maybe, we find others like us.
I like to be fully disclosed, I will give you the definition of asexuality but the rest of it is all me. You cannot apply this article to learn about your friends. Maybe, if they are anything like me, you gain some insight, but the reality is, I write this in hopes that someone reading it will feel a little less alone in the world. Maybe this helps you understand that you are not abnormal, instead you are a human being first and foremost and deserve empathy like one. So, what I am saying is, do not take this article as the be all of asexuality. If you have an asexual friend in your life, you should ask them the questions you have with the intention of strengthening your relationship and becoming informed on a topic you previously were not informed about. And if you are asexual and my experiences don’t resonate with you, I encourage you to seek the rest of the community and know you are valid and you are not alone.
What is Asexuality?
Asexuality by itself at its most basic, universal definition, is defined as a lack of sexual attraction. And that’s it. The rest is a spectrum. There are many different types of asexual people, every single one has different experiences and feelings of attraction or may not even feel attraction at all. So we call this a spectrum and some parts of the spectrum have different titles. I think most people have no idea that attraction outside sexual attraction exists, meaning they didn’t know there are other names for attraction. Someone who identifies as asexual but is still attracted to people can feel aesthetic attraction, romantic attraction, physical attraction, emotional attraction, intellectual attraction, social attraction… and the list goes on.
There is something called the A-spectrum which isn’t just asexuality but aromantic, demi romantic, gray romantic, demi sexual, and gray sexual. Demi means that that attraction does not occur until an emotional bond is formed, gray means someone who has limited experiences with that attraction.
What Makes Me Asexual?
Asexuality means something different for every single person who identifies under it and because I can’t name really every type of asexual person out there, I am going to tell you a little bit about myself.
I am asexual because I feel no sexual attraction to anyone. I, in particular, do not want sex and am quite repulsed at the idea of it. I don’t enjoy the sex obsessed culture either and tend not to partake in it. I do however find people attractive for several reasons, it is usually an individual thing. I emotionally bond with people before I feel anything towards them for one. The attraction from there can be emotional or aesthetic. I know what type of personalities I draw in and enjoy interacting with too. I date and have been in about three relationships in my life but only one was long term.
Romantically, I don’t tend to identify. I say this because things change from person to person (as in depending on the individual I am attracted to). I will usually umbrella myself following the explanation of my asexual identity, stating that I am queer alongside being asexual or if I’m not comfortable talking about my asexuality, I leave it at queer. I say queer because I am attracted to different people for different reasons and sometimes gender isn’t necessarily a discriminating factor. I have mostly emotionally bonded with men in the past, but I find women physically and aesthetically attractive. Additionally, I am not exclusively attracted to men or women, I also can be attracted to transgender and non-binary people.
Is Asexuality in LGBT?
The Asexual community gets a lot of ping pong discussion about rather or not we are apart of the LBGTQIA+ Community. Some people believe that if you are just asexual and hetero-romantic and cis… then you should not be identifying as part of the LGBTQIA+ Community. I won’t get to deep into it, but the truth is, the A is for the asexual spectrum, not just the queer asexual folks. And we too have struggles, some much like the rest of the community and some very different. To leave out asexual people is aphobic in my personal opinion and a gatekeeping tactic. I one time read someone who was upset that the community had become like “the island of misfit toys.” I won’t tell you what to believe about this, but I’ll definitely talk about this in later posts so if you’re interested in reading more about it, keep an eye out!
The Fears of Asexuals…
We live in a sex obsessed culture. Sex is literally everywhere. It is in music, TV, movies, school, social life, work, art, commercials, food----- This culture is absolutely thriving (this is not a good thing) off of the exploitation of sexuality. Especially of women. If you can’t understand the problem with this, imagine hating the super bowl around Thanksgiving or Christmas at… well Christmas, when every store, elevator, billboard, TV series, and artist is throwing Christmas in your face. Except for asexual people, this is our life everyday we wake up and live in the world. Every. Day.
Because everyone around us is so obsessed with sex, asexual people can feel overwhelmingly alone. And for those seeking a significant other, that is a legitimate fear. Everyone else around us in relationships all require the one thing we will not give: Sex. You’ll never guess the number of times I get unmatched on dating apps after someone asks me what asexual means or after the first time I mention it outside my profile… because I guess if I don’t say anything than all the flags on my profile that include my sexual identity can be potentially false?
Asexual people, because many of us are very uncultured in sexual cues and such, are also at risk of being sexually abused and assaulted. Asexual people have gotten into situations where they are legitimately sexually attacked either because they have rejected someone or someone tries to change them by forcing themselves on them, or because they miss cues. Remember though if you have been sexually assaulted it is not your fault. There is no “what if I did this differently.” We are trained currently to be blameful of ourselves in sexual assault situations. But the fact is, if you did not consent to it- if there was no clear/in the right mind consent to it- it should not have happened and there is absolutely no excuse on the attacker’s part that should change that verdict.
Another part to being in a sex obsessed culture is just the sheer disbelief that people exist that do not want it. Rather it is for the intimacy or instincts, it will truly awestruck people of all kinds to the point they may tell us that we are not real. Not valid. Every asexual person has heard “you haven’t found the right person,” “How do you know if you’ve never had it,” “you can’t be asexual, you have a significant other,” “Love can’t really exist without sex,” “you’re just scared.” And we think about these things like ‘what if,’ and let other people’s invalidation of our identities invalidate ourselves.
Asexual Relationships?
It is a common misconception that asexual people do not date or do not have these kinds of intimate relationships. It is true that some people who identify as asexual also identify as aromatic or choose not to date or seek intimate relationships, but this does not describe the entire asexual community. Some asexual people will only date other asexual people, some do not. Asexual people in non-asexual relationships may come to a compromise in that relationship or vice versa. But it is incredibly important to remember that what matters most is that both parties are being satisfied. That may mean we discover that this partner is not the one. The needs need to be met on both sides.
As previously mentioned, there are a lot of people who think love must come with sex. You are more likely to come across someone with that mindset on the street than not. I personally try to meet people via online dating, and I would not say I have been 100% successful or unsuccessful. I have made several friends, I have had a boyfriend, I have done a lot of dating, I’ve also been unmatched as soon as they realize I am not wanting to sleep with them. That can be extremely… demeaning. And bad for self-esteem. I wrote something a little about how it feels to be consistently rejected for being asexual. I get rejected sometimes before people even know what asexual is. They know it is something from the LGBTQIA+ Community, it’s not straight, it’s not normal. And yes, maybe I shouldn’t want to be with someone like that but it feels like there are more people like that than not and there is no cure for the overwhelming fear that I will end up alone. It also creates an uncertain anxiety when I do not know why I may have been rejected. My brain defaults to “it’s because I’m asexual” and I go through the same devastation I would if I knew for sure it’s because I am asexual.
On the other side are the people who decide to date an asexual with the intention of being the one to “fix us.” Or they think it will change- because ultimately, they don’t believe in asexuality. Or they think it is personal, like instead of me being repulsed by sex I am repulsed by the person. For me, since I am not a very physically affectionate person (even when I am that comfortable with someone, it is very limited), that’s more common than I ever thought possible. That kind of says something about our society more than the individual, in my personal opinion. It says that our society as values our sexuality (especially as women) more than other parts of our personality.
Something I will include in here, friendships. A lot of my friends do not know how to talk about my sexuality. They don’t know what it is, it makes them uncomfortable, they think they have to give me the sex ed run down, or they think I have to be in PG settings all the time to be comfortable. No, I don’t necessarily want to hear in detail about your sex life but if there’s something you want to tell me, I’m not a fragile flower you have to protect. Friends also may constantly bring up my sexuality in an environment where it may not be comfortable. My friends have sometimes flaunted it like a golden ticket, like a token queer friend. I have to tell them to stop and if they don’t, I have to reconsider our friendship. Our sexual orientations are personal, no matter how out and forward we are, it belongs to us, to you. Coming out belongs to you and it is never insignificant enough to deserve to happen against your own free will.
Dear Ace Community Let’s Communicate!
The last thing I want to add here is just a suggestion for the asexual community. I see a lot of people who post about the exhaustion that comes with having to constantly re-explain ourselves to partners, friends, people of interest… Stop being exhausted. Do not tell them to google it. Someone is trying to understand you, googling is not understanding you. Take it as a compliment and be ready to explain and advocate for yourself and our community. Communication is so important. Google does not tell that person who you are, especially because we are on such a wide spectrum. I advise strongly against it. And probably, when you have to have that conversation, don’t have it over text. At least for me, I say so many more meaningful things when it’s face to face or over the phone at the very least versus over text message. I’m not just being a parrot of information from what I know the internet has told me, I’m telling that person about myself and what it means for me to be asexual. Communicate what it means for you to be asexual.
If you have an asexual friend, don’t be afraid of them. Know that you can’t change who they are, they don’t want you to try, you can’t “fix them.” If you don’t understand them, ask questions and don’t be critical.
Thank you so much for reading! If you have any question, reach out on my tumblr or contact page!
#asexual#ace#i am ace#i am asexual#asexuality#being ace#being asexual#ace girl#asexual girl#what it's like to be asexual#blog#lgbt#lgbtq#lgbtqi#lgbtqia#lgbtqia+#lgbtqia community#asexual community#lgbtqia+ community#ace community#asexual relationship#fear of being alone#what is asexuality#hi i'm asexual#queer#i am queer#being queer#proud to be asexual#asexual awareness week#asexual awareness
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