With the new album release my Taylor Swift playlist is now 24 hours and 37 minutes long and consists of 367 songs. And that doesn’t even include her Christmas album and single!

So I feel like my mental health is getting better, but then it crashes again with the same insecurities as before.

Honestly, I’ve got myself stuck in a pattern where I hate myself. Which is in turn causing me to socially isolate myself. Which in turn makes me hate myself even more.

I really don’t know how to break out of this pattern.

marco diaz :3 i am a strong believer in trans marco

Margo Díaz!!1!11 :333

Vibe check!

So I’m aware I am massively behind when it comes to Marvel’s Moon Girl and Devil Dinosaur Season 2, but I did preorder the comic which arrived today.

I will confess it is probably going to be awhile before I get round to watching Season 2 though and reading the comic.

As those who follow me will know, I now have a full-time job and I’m working 5 days a week. In my spare-time, I’m doing chores and well working my way through my watch list of shows. Presently, I’m really engulfed in the NCIS-verse. I recently started watching JAG which is the show NCIS is a spin-off of. I took a small break from JAG to binge NCIS: Sydney which is pretty good. Interesting to have an NCIS not set in the States and with a mostly Australian cast. Next on my watchlist is NCIS: Los Angeles. Additionally NCIS Season 21 and NCIS: Hawaii Season 3 are finally airing in the UK with a new episode each week. Oh and Star Trek: Discovery.

Oooh and me and my roommate are watching the new Fallout TV series.

I’m working my way through a lot of shows right now as you can probably tell. Not to mention, I also have a life that exists outside of a TV screen. So it might take me awhile to get round to Moon Girl Season 2.

I will get there though, I promise. I’ve just become a lil engulfed in other shows at the minute though and then there’s work and life.

Just to say though, if you like LGBT+ representation and procedural crime dramas though. NCIS: Hawaii is so worth the watch.

My headcanon version of Masha's Character Bio

Full name: Maria Quaroni-Pavlovich

Other names: Masha

Age: 15

Gender: Non-binary (uses they/them pronouns)

Species: Human

Home: Hamden (formerly), Gravesfield (currently)

Occupation: Curator of the Gravesfield Historical Society, Tour guide

Affiliations: Gravesfield Historical Society

Relatives: Igor Pavlovich (father), Giulia Quaroni (mother)

Allies: Luz Noceda (childhood friend), Vee, Two unnamed friends, Amity Blight, Willow Park, Gus Porter, Hunter, Camila Noceda

Enemies: Jacob Hopkins, Belos

Likes: Hexes Hold'em, Wittebane brothers' history, Magic, Witchcraft, Romani culture, The Good Witch Azura, attending to school (formerly)

Dislikes: Bigotry, Bullying, Anti-Romani sentiment, being called "half-gypsy", attending to school (currently)

Powers and Abilities: Extrasensory perception (also called sixth sense)

History: Masha was born Maria Quaroni-Pavlovich in Hamden to Igor Vladimirovich Pavlovich and Giulia Quaroni. Igor, a Russian-American man of Russian and Kazakh descent, had moved from the Soviet Union to adjust his new life. Giulia, an Italian-American woman of Romani descent, was a circus artist based in Connecticut before retiring after falling in love with Igor, who had been part of her family's audience. At the age of four, Masha told Giulia that she had an unexpected sixth sense, which revealed that Igor was having an affair with a wealthy Chinese woman. Initially, Giulia dismissed it as a joke, but she later discovered that Masha's claim was true, leading to her heartbreak. Igor ended up divorcing Giulia, leaving her to take care of herself and their daughter Masha. Giulia remembered that her mother had been a psychic and realized that Masha had inherited this gift. However, despite having this ability, Masha struggled with depression and resentment towards her father's infidelity. When Masha was almost five years old, she noticed four years old child named Luz being ostracized by the other kids due to her weirdness. Undeterred, Masha reached out to Luz, and they quickly became best friends despite Luz's weirdness. They spent their days together, sharing secrets and enjoying each other's company, especially during Masha's fifth birthday celebration, which brought her much joy. Unfortunately, one day Masha had a sixth sense that Luz and her family would be moving away from Hamden due to Luz's father's illness, and this prediction came true. Masha felt devastated by the loss of her first friend. As she turns six, Masha becomes increasingly fascinated with witchcraft, magic, and questions about her own gender, ultimately identifying as non-binary and using they/them pronouns. When Masha reaches eleven years old and starts attending middle school, they hope to make friends. Unfortunately, they faced rejection and bullying from their peers, who dismiss their psychic abilities as a myth, label them "half-gypsy" due to their Romani heritage, and dislike their weirdness. At the age of 14, Masha and Giulia moved from Hamden to Gravesfield, where Luz and Camila currently live, and where Giulia took on a job. Due to the traumatic experiences of bullying and rejection in their previous school, Masha developed scolionophobia, a fear of attending school. They managed to convince their mother to homeschool them. Masha eventually came out as non-binary to their mother, who accepts them. Seeing her child being an outcast, Giulia decided to send them to a summer camp in hopes of making new friends. There, Masha befriends with two residents, including Vee who disguises as Masha's old friend Luz. Despite the sixth sense telling them that Vee is in disguise, Masha decides to pretend that they first met Vee.

My roommate sat my blahaj at my work desk.

When I asked her, “Why?”

She said, “He said he had work to do. Loans I think.” 🤦‍♀️😂

JAG

I’ve been watching the TV show JAG recently and it has been making me think about how networks and streaming services especially cancel shows way too early.

For those who don’t know, NCIS is a spin-off of JAG. Until now, I’d never watched JAG but I am a huge fan of NCIS. I have watched the entire main series, NCIS New Orleans, I adore NCIS Hawaii. And I’m going to get round to watching NCIS LA and NCIS Sydney after I finish JAG. They are also making an NCIS Origins.

It’s amazing that from one show that ran from 1995 - 2005 you have got so much.

JAG itself ran for 10 seasons.

NCIS is airing its 21st season.

NCIS LA aired for 14 seasons.

NCIS New Orleans ran for 7 seasons (and was cancelled so they had to rush wrapping it up which upset me).

NCIS Hawaii is airing its 3rd season.

NCIS Sydney has just had its first season.

And then NCIS Origins is in the works.

Now why am I going through all this. NBC is the network that originally aired JAG and they cancelled it after just 1 season. Fortunately, CBS picked it up for its second season.

It’s pretty safe to say by the metric of all its spin-offs JAG is one of the most successful shows in television history. NCIS is the 3rd longest running scripted, live action, US prime-time TV show currently still airing.

Had CBS not picked JAG up for a second season we’d be deprived of all that TV. And sure NCIS isn’t for everyone and I’m sure some feel it maybe overdoing it with all its spin-offs. But I feel they all have something to offer and it is something I’ve enjoyed watching since I was a kid.

And look, I’ll concede JAG Season 1 wasn’t perfect. I’d even argue JAG Season 2 wasn’t great, but because it was given that second chance by CBS the show had an opportunity to really develop. Even watching JAG Season 1 you can see where a show like NCIS got its bones and as the show developed and really came into its own, you can 100% see how NCIS is the spin-off of this show.

But also when I say Season 1 and Season 2 weren’t perfect, they weren’t bad either. The show still drew me in and from Season 2 onwards they introduced a very strong core cast. NBC pulled the plug before the show even had the chance to reach its heights. And when you look at all the spin-offs since, I bet whoever made that decision to cancel the show at NBC is kicking themself, while CBS rakes in the cash, lol.

So many shows now get axed after their first or second season and really never get the opportunity to grow into themselves and develop though and it really is a shame.

Working From Home

So part of the reason I quit my last job was my health had become so bad I was really struggling to go to work. I worked as a supply teacher and you can’t really teach a class from home. I had other issues with secondary education, like the UK Government wanting school staff to out trans kids to their parents. But my health was also a contributing factor to me leaving the sector.

Part of the reason I focused on jobs in higher education, is there is more opportunity to have a hybrid working pattern. When I interviewed for this job, they said it would be 60% on campus and 40% at home. Which suits me fine.

First few weeks, I was prepared to be on campus full-time though. I spent a full 6 and a half weeks on campus 5 days a week and God, did it impact on my health. I did have 2 days where I had to ring in sick. I’ve had an occupational health appointment where working from home when I need has been deemed a reasonable adjustment though. Which is good.

Since last Thursday though, I have been working from home cos the department I’m working with right now wants me all over. So they have said it easier having me work from home. And God is it doing my health favours. I’ve got to go in Wednesday, but that is cos I have a counselling appointment on campus.

I do love having a job where some consideration is being given to my health though 😊

I still feel this theory has some potential, but I think imagining it being in the reveal trailer wasn’t smart thinking on my part.

A song like “Getaway Car (Taylor’s Version)” appearing in the reveal trailer could have taken away from the spotlight of either Rockstar or Taylor Swift. Not making it the ideal trailer for “Getaway Car (Taylor’s Version)” to be the trailer track.

An additional issue is in the reveal trailer, you get very little of the story reveal. Just slight glimpses. Whereas later trailers give more reveal on the story and what we can expect to happen.

The focus of “Getaway Car” is a Bonnie and Clyde tale where Bonnie betrays Clyde. It would be interesting if in GTA VI there is a player choice given to betray your partner. There has in both GTA IV and V now been player choices that impact the end of the game. This would be a player choice with that same potential.

“Getaway Car (Taylor’s Version)” being the trailer track for a future trailer that alludes to more of the story and a potential betrayal choice I think would work really well. Plus now the GTA VI reveal trailer has already been released, it doesn’t risk stealing too much of GTA’s spotlight if the trailer track serves as an announcement for Reputation (Taylor’s Version) being released.

Also I just really want a Taylor Swift song to finally be in a GTA game, lol.

GTA VI Trailer/Taylor Swift Theory

Okay, so this may seem a bit random but as you maybe aware I am a Taylor Swift fan and I also love Grand Theft Auto.

Next month, the first long awaited trailer for GTA VI is going to be released and well I have a little theory.

So based on the leaked information about the game so far, there is a male and female protagonist and they have a Bonnie and Clyde type dynamic. Or at least that is how I have seen it painted when it has been reported on.

And you may ask how Taylor Swift ties into all of this?

Well as of late 2022, Taylor Swift can re-record Reputation and release Taylor’s Version. On Reputation is the track, “Getaway Car” which tells a Bonnie and Clyde style tale.

Back in 2020, “Love Story (Taylor’s Version)” featured in a Match.com advert as a precursor to the Fearless (Taylor’s Version) album coming out the following April. If memory serves this was December 2020. I will concede I could be wrong there though.

I kinda have a theory that “Getaway Car (Taylor’s Version)” may serve as the track on the GTA VI trailer indicating Reputation (Taylor’s Version) being released around April 2024.

This is just a theory though, as to my knowledge there isn’t a confirmation that Reputation (Taylor’s Version) is the next album on the re-recording list. Although, to my knowledge there is only Taylor Swift (Taylor’s Version) to go.

A few other reasons I like this theory is, that I have seen in various GTA forums people complaining “Getaway Car” isn’t in the soundtrack for GTA V. But considering GTA V was released in 2013 and Reputation in 2017. It wouldn’t make much sense for it to be in the soundtrack, especially the base game which is set in 2013 even if they could add it later in online content.

And then as well as this year being the 25 Anniversary of Rockstar Games. December is the month of Taylor Swift’s birth. Kinda a cool announcement window for both Rockstar and Taylor Swift.

I maybe way off, but I enjoy speculating.

NB: Before posting this. I just looked it up and there is a belief Taylor will announced Reputation (Taylor’s Version) at a concert tomorrow, 24/11/23. If you add up the individual single digit numbers, it makes 13 which is Taylor’s lucky number. Having “Getaway Car (Taylor’s Version)” as the trailer track for GTA VI though would still be a great precursor to the album coming out.

Mental Health Update

So as my boost in activity the past day might suggest, I am starting to feel a lil better mental health wise.

Can’t remember if I went into it and the reasons why my mental health took such a downturn, but at the beginning of this month I had a falling out with a friend. Someone I considered a close friend. And like it hurt quite a bit, brought up a lot of insecurities and past traumas and I guess caused a lot of introspection. I mean the introspection definitely led to the realisation that I’m straight, lol.

The beginning of this month I had started to feel like I was like back at square one with my sense of community though. Which when I really look at it I’m not.

I have a roommate I get on with really well, I have my best friend @cryptidwrangler and like I am in the midst of starting a new career where I have the opportunity to build a new sense of community.

I was actually meant to go to the LGBT+ Staff Network’s drinking social on Friday, but sadly there were train strikes. Hopefully I can go next month instead. And maybe in time I can get over my shy nature and start attending other stuff.

Like I work at a university now and there is a lot going on and a lot you can get involved in. I’ll be honest, even though I’m now there as a member of staff, there is definitely this feeling of being back at university. Like there’s loads of staff networks and activities, activities that are for both staff and students, a HUGE gym - this gym puts the gym facilities at my former university to shame, a staff counselling service, loads of leisure facilities. It is kinda awesome and if I hadn’t been so depressed the past few weeks I would have probably been enjoying it more.

I’m kinda realising it has been like nearly 4 weeks since my mental health got bad. That’s not good.

I am starting to feel better though.

I should say work is taking up a lot of my energy though and I am using the weekends to replenish that. In time I should start getting a bit more balance like being able to work from home some days. For now I am working on campus every day of the week though. I’m leaving home at like 5:45am and not getting back till 6:30pm and that has been this past few weeks where I was in a department letting me work 8am to 4pm. Next week, I’m helping my manager till she can find another department to place me in and she wants me in 8:30am to 4:30pm. I plan to ask her depending on what I’m doing if I can do 8am to 4pm, as it is better for me getting home. But we’ll see. I might not be getting home til 7:30pm for the next few weeks though.

I kinda have a bit of a weird job right now though. I’m part of this training academy and we spend 3 weeks training and then we get put into these placements while our manager finds us a permanent role. I just did a placement in Student Funding and my manager has lined me up another placement while she finds me a permanent deployment. She has said that placement is going to take a few days to a few weeks to get the details hammered out though, so I’m just going to be helping her with some stuff while she gets that sorted, lol.

But this is kinda leading into an update on the blog. I don’t think I’m gonna have the energy to watch Season 2 of Marvel’s Moon Girl and Devil Dinosaur right now. I do have the Thursday through till the Tuesday of Easter Weekend off though at the end of this month. So 6 days. I’m having my hair done on Good Friday and trying to possibly meet up with @cryptidwrangler, as I haven’t seen him since April.

During that 6 day break though, I will start watching through Season 2 of Marvel’s Moon Girl and Devil Dinosaur and posting my thoughts though.

And in the meantime, I’ll likely be a bit more present giving my random thoughts on other stuff. But hey, if you want to spoil Moon Girl S2 for me feel free if there is anything you think I might find interesting ahead of time. I’ll try and post my thoughts with the very limited information I have right now, lol.

But anyway, I am feeling a bit better and should start being a bit more present 😊

I got a funny message from a spammer recently.

The email started with, “Dear Mr (Miss) *deadname* Robinson”.

And I’m just sat there thinking, “So wherever you fished my details from has very out of date information on me given I haven’t legally or in any other capacity gone by that name in 12 years. Yet somehow you have enough information on me to have thrown a “Miss” in there. Granted in brackets. What?”

Like it sucks to be deadnamed and misgendered a lot of the time, but on that occasion it was kinda hilarious.

Another update regarding this. As you will likely know, I now have a full-time job and it pays a lot more than I’ve earned at any of my previous jobs.

I do still have my debts to pay off, but I should be debt free by the end of March 2027 and then I can focus on putting money towards saving for surgery 😊

Fundraiser Update

Hey everyone,

As some of you will know, I’ve had a fundraiser pinned to the top of this Tumblr for quite sometime. The fundraiser was for facial feminisation surgery and vocal feminisation surgery. As it stands I have £705.88.

I decided to take the fundraiser down for two reasons:

1. It hasn’t been getting as much traction as I would have hoped and rarely has any donations.

2. I’m no longer in quite as a bad a mental state as I was when I first started the fundraiser. I still really want and I feel I need FFS but it doesn’t feel as pressing an issue as it was then.

I have that £705.88 put to one side and I do intend to use it for its intended purpose once I can gather the rest of the money I need. It sadly may take awhile though. Presently, I’m between jobs and buried in over £11,000 worth of debt which really isn’t great.

Anyway, once again thanks to those who donated. Even if I am a ways off yet, I am at least a step closer to my goal thanks to you all. I’ll post another update when I finally have one. But as I said, it could take awhile yet.

I don’t really know how to feel about this one but I just met up with my Mum today.

She got me some pretty decent Christmas presents this year. Bath bombs and beauty products and stuff you’d typically buy for a woman as a present. I found it really gender affirming and stuff and like my Mum was finally getting to know me better.

Not the first time she has got me presents where it has seemed like she has listened but found out at a later stage it isn’t the case.

Turns out she got bath bombs and beauty products for a lot of people including my cis het male cousin and his gf. Let’s just say, my cousin was not impressed with his presents.

My Mum’s logic was, “But him and his gf sometimes have pampering sessions together.”

And I’m just stood there thinking, “Mum, I sure they do but that is probably just like something he does with his gf every now and again. My cousin is a pretty masculine guy. I don’t think he wants that stuff for Christmas.” Which from how my Mum described his reaction is spot on the money.

Like, I’m glad she got me presents I liked but… I have no words.

And like I get all this shit is based on stereotypes and that stuff could be an appropriate present for a guy, but in this case it wasn’t one of those occasions where it was 🤦‍♀️

I think I’m straight!

Hey,

So mental health is still kinda shit but I want to make this post. It does feel kinda cringy to come out as straight, but at the same time it has taken me a long time to figure out and like I think I finally have figured it out.

For those who’ve followed this blog for a while, you’ll know I’m a trans woman and when it comes to my sexuality I’ve never really had it down. I have had times where I thought I did, but it changes a lot.

For the past few years I have identified as demisexual and I think that comes down to the fact I’ve imagined I can have a relationship with a woman, but there would need to be a strong emotional bond for something more. But when I think about the potential of dating a guy, that need for a strong emotional bond doesn’t seem to be there.

Not sure if that really makes sense, but I guess if and when I imagine being with a woman in a relationship. My brain has to do a lot of extra steps and gymnastics to be like, “Yeah, that feels like it would be right.” Whereas if I imagine being with a man in a relationship, my brain is instantly like, “Yeah, I can see that happening.”

Like feels weird to say, “I don’t need a strong emotional bond with a guy”. Cos that kinda isn’t true in many respects. Like I need to be in a relationship with someone I trust and who I share interests with, etc. But of course, as we all know attraction doesn’t necessarily play by the rules of what would be ideal in a partner. You can find someone initially attractive and then their personality puts you off. And God, does that happen a lot. My one date with a dude and straight dude at that, he confessed that he’d love to meet a WWII NAZI in real life and I’m just like sat at the table in the coffee shop terrified going, “Riiiiight! Make no sudden moves. Just get through this and then never talk to this guy again.” Wasn’t the only red flag with that dude. He seemed to be one of those people who wanted to hear people out just because and it is like, “You don’t need to know the reasoning of what a NAZI is doing to know what they did is awful.”

Sorry, bit of a tangent there.

I have found this difficult to come to terms with though. Like when I was younger and I first remember experiencing any attraction it was to women. Like at 10 years old, I figured out I should be a woman but I also started experiencing attraction to women at the same time.

Someone pointed out yesterday though, that my attraction to women could have likely been envy. And I guess when I look back on it, that was very likely true. I think the huge issue I had between 10 to 16, is testosterone can really muddy the waters on attraction. Especially when you are trying desperately to understand yourself. And like I get confusion in your teen years especially is part of life, but I think testosterone and being a guy when that felt really wrong just caused the wrong kinds of confusion. Like I at least knew since 10 that transition was possible. I didn’t know what it entailed but I knew one day I could be a woman if that was how I really felt. Sadly that did not mean I had an accepting Mum, just that I had one who was honest when I curiously asked, “Mum, can people change sex?” in my clunky 10 year old vocabulary. I asked her that on the bus to my Grandma’s 😂 She said, “Yes.” Probably putting it down to childhood curiosity. I guess it took away some of the confusion. Like at 10 I figured out I should be a girl and I could at least latch onto that, not thinking it was totally impossible. But then there was still envy for my female classmates which my testosterone fuelled brain at the time clearly mistook for attraction.

And when it came to figuring out I like guys, my attraction was dampened for other reasons. Without going into details, events that took place during my childhood made me extremely fearful of men. I remember in primary (elementary) school, having a male supply (substitute) teacher and being utterly terrified of him. And like for a few years, social services was involved in my life, they used to pick me up from school every week. It was usually a woman who came to pick me up, but one week two men came to pick me up. I seriously was terrified as hell and I had it in my head these guys were kidnapping me. When I got to the centre I think I ended up telling my social worker how scared it made me being picked up by two men. Plus I spent a lot of my school years being called “gay” and bullied for being perceived as such. Like any desire to explore my attraction to men was dampened by fear and while weird to say, given the topic of this is me coming out as straight, internalised homophobia.

I mean while from 10 I knew I was a girl, from the outside I was a guy and exploring being a guy who likes guys was not something I wanted to explore. Being perceived as gay never really sat right with me though. Like I readily admit there was some internalised homophobia there, but I also despise misinformation about myself. Like, all I could think is “I’m not gay. I like women.” And I knew my classmates meant gay as in I was a guy who likes guys. And let’s imagine the fact, that they were half correct, I do like guys. I was not a guy who likes guys, I’m a girl who likes guys. But of course, without coming out, exploring my sexuality in any meaningful way at school would have given the wrong impression about me. It would have just backed up that idea I’m gay. Which not bad in anyway, but I didn’t want to be viewed as gay.

And look, I can safely say that was my brain hating misinformation. I kinda got outed at school, but the news didn’t reach everyone. I came out to one guy and he told enough people that by the next day most people at school knew. The news missed a few girls I hung out with though. I was dating a bisexual girl at the time and the reasoning they had assumed for me dating that girl was basically, “You’re a typical guy. Dating a bi girl for a threesome.”

Like I hated that so much and with already so many people in the school knowing I was trans anyway. I was just like, “Okay. Let’s stop this rumour before it even starts. The reason I’m dating a bi girl is cos I’m a girl.”

And that is likely another reason I didn’t explore my sexuality much at that age. When I finally came out as trans in school, I was in a relationship and one that lasted nearly the remainder of my time at school. Also super weird note, but you know that thing where it is said you are more attractive when in a relationship? Despite being outed to the entire school as trans, so many girls were interested in me and clearly expressed it during that time. There was one lass I had to watch out for in the corridors as she’d side swipe me with hugs from a run that made me nearly fall over. That was an interesting time.

If any guys expressed interest for me during that time though, I think it was safe to say I was oblivious to it. I did dance with a guy at my prom, but I feel safe in saying that was platonic. The song was “Mr Brightside” by The Killers though and it is still a memory I look back on fondly. Weirdly enough, the dance was with the guy who outed me. I think I’ve said before, he was hard to stay mad at during the time, as being outed actually caused a lot of bullying to stop for me. It was like my being trans took away a lot of the power my bullies had over me and then I had a girlfriend so calling me gay was a lil weak.

I do remember one of my bullies approaching me one day though and just going, “So all these years we were calling you gay. You’re a lesbian, so we were technically correct.” I think my response was something along the lines of, “Technically, yes.” And thinking internally, how he’d made me miserable along with the rest of my bullies so it was kinda beside the point.

I think I’m just rambling now though. Main take away was my head was filled with a lot of confusion and at times still is. I do think I finally have enough clarity on it all to say I’m straight though.

Enjoy my post!

I was working from home today due to having a hospital appointment. But I’ve yet to get a desk set up at home so decided to work in the library of my old university, as they use the same staff WiFi network known as Eduroam.

Best laid plans of mice and men, it didn’t work there. Had to use my phone’s WiFi.

Go to my hospital appointment and while I’m not surprised it has eduroam being a teaching hospital, it works here. Not really where I needed it to work today.