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thotsome · 3 years

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Holiday

Harry Potter x Fem!Reader

Summary: Harry's been on edge for too long and after dropping off the kids, he can't wait to have you all to himself again ;) minors DNI

Warnings: SMUT, unprotected sex, oral sex (female receiving), being grown ass adults?? Having kids, The tiniest daddy kink. Definitely NSFW, FLUFFY ending <3

Word count: 2.1k

Requested by: here's the request, by @anyqueen008 I hope you like it! Sorry it took so long!

Tags: @brod16 and @swiftssss <3 ~ DM to be added! ~

~♡︎~

You wiped a tear off your eye as you said goodbye to the mischief makers who made up three-fourths of your life. You turned to the most important quarter as you waved to the kids. They were all so grown up, even though sometimes you didn't feel the same way about yourself and your husband, and certainly not your marriage. It was an extended honeymoon period all along. You loved it, and you were sure you would never stop feeling like this for Harry.

The smile he gave you as he waved to the three still made your stomach flip. He'd worn his auror robes, he had to go to work just after. You loved seeing him in those sexy robes, but you hated what came with it. Him going to work, risking his life, everyday.

You looked around at the station you'd known so well, ever since you were a little girl of 11. You smiled fondly at remembering how you'd met Harry at this very station. It really was a charm, station 9¾.

As you looked back at your husband, you caught him already staring at you and you blushed. The way he was biting his lip was very inticing. You'd have loved for him to have you at this very spot, but you both knew why you couldn't. Stupid ministry job.

Reign in the horny, y/n, you told yourself

"So... um, Harry, I'll see you tonight?"

What the bloody hell was wrong with you? You were his wife of almost twenty years and you'd just acted like a nervous fifteen year old.

Harry smirked at your nervousness. "See you too y/n" and gave you a passionate kiss goodbye that had you yearning for more. But you couldn't keep Harry any longer. You gave him a small smile and apparated to the house.

The house was so empty without the kids. You felt both relieved and sad. You loved having them here during the holidays but it gave you and Harry less alone time.

Well, atleast you could do what you wanted now. You decided to do something completely wild, something a mom could never do. You stripped off your dress and decided to spend the day in your underwear. No one to see you, and no one to take care of, except yourself.

You put on some music to pass the time, and decided to bake some cookies for Harry to surprise him when he came back. He really did love chocolate chip ones, you remembered, and smiled.

You moved your hips to the song blurting out of the radio and sang along while mixing the batter, not even noticing a sharp crack sound because you were too engrossed in trying to twerk and put the cookies inside the oven at the same time. Once you were done you set the timer to thirty minutes from now, and turned to exit the kitchen. Only you didn't.

Because there stood Harry, with a gigantic smirk on his handsome face.

"H-Harry!" You exclaimed.

Oh merlin, how long had he been standing there?

"What's the matter, dear? You look like you've been caught being naughty"

He still referenced something that happened in your school days ever so often, and you'd turn scarlet each time. You had had your hands down your pants when you were waiting for him in 7th year. But it was all his fault! He teased you so much.

And right now he was advancing slowly towards you. You needed to say something. You swallowed and finally said

"How come you're home? No work today?"

"Actually, I thought I needed to do something more important at home today"

You noticed how he put emphasis on the 'do'.

"And what may that be?"

"Something rather scantily dressed."

He had you pressed against the kitchen counter by now. He was so close to you, you wanted to reach out and touch his collar and pull him towards you and kiss him senseless. But before you could move, Harry had claimed your lips.

He was such a great kisser. It had surprised you that night in Hogwarts and it still did. He tasted so good. As his tongue glided over your lips, you opened your mouth and gave him access to yours.

You could feel Harry's member pressed against you, already hard. That, combined with how Harry's hands were teasing you, caused you to moan inside his mouth. Oh, how you'd missed this!

Harry moved his hands to your ass and cupped it, picking you up and setting you on the counter. You split your legs so Harry could stand as close to you as possible. You felt like your body was on fire. Merlin knows how he still had that effect on you.

Harry pulled away from the kiss with a cheeky grin. You didn't have time for that now, you needed him inside you.

"Harry, please" you moaned.

"Not yet, sweetheart" and saying that he slid down to his knees so that his face was level with your already wet cunt. You widened your eyes as you blushed. You hadn't been eaten out in so long.

Almost too eagerly, you spread your legs wider on the counter and Harry hooked them over his shoulder, making it easier for you. He really was the sweetest, you thought as you entangled your fingers in that wild, messy black hair you found so appealing.

But a jolt of pleasure brought you back to reality

Harry was rubbing your pussy through the thin material of your panties. He looked up at you and gave you a lopsided grin.

"Who could've guessed my prim, proper wife's cunt would still drip like this for me?"

"Harryyy" you moaned. You needed him to do more.

He pulled your panties down roughly at that and brought his lips closer to your waiting clit, teasing you and making you wetter by the second.

"You little slut, you're so wet. Such a good slut for me."

You could feel his breath on your clit. You nodded, trying to get him to give you what you needed so desperately. But he looked unsatisfied.

"Use your words, darling."

"Your slut, Harry. You make me so wet" you were barely able to choke out, since at hearing you say that, Harry had almost started attacking your pussy with his mouth. He swirled his tongue around your clit making it harder for you to breathe, and finally sucked it while you could only form half intelligible sentences.

But Harry liked it when you were verbal.

"Love, you're doing it so right... feeling so good.. ahh" was the best you could do.

When Harry pushed his tongue inside you, you let out a small scream. You panted and gasped as you gripped the counter's edge to keep yourself steady.

Harry kept muttering about how sweet you tasted and how he could eat you all day long as you moaned.

As Harry ate you out, you could feel the knot in your stomach growing and your knuckles turned white as you held onto the counter. You moaned Harry's name and said

"Harry, m' gonna cum"

Harry licked your labia one last time while toying with your clit with his thumb and pulled away to say "Then cum, y/n."

Your eyes rolled to the back of your head as you released with a moan all over Harry's face and blushed as you saw how sexy he looked like that. He licked you up to clean you, while you came down from your high, and sighed happily.

You realised your bra was still on, and it was hurting your hardened nipples. Your breasts felt so restricted. You took the bra off and your boobs spilled out, finally free and very full (as the result of three pregnancies). You weren't complaining though, Harry was totally a boob guy.

Harry looked up from your pussy and almost growled at seeing your perky breasts teasing him. He got up and took them in his hand to massage them as you moaned. He enveloped your mouth with his as he squeezed your boobs and pinched your nipples, making you gasp as he chuckled into your mouth, then brought his lips down to suck on your nipples and you threw your head back at the wonderful feeling. He bit down on your nipple softly, causing a jolt to go all the way to your core.

"Harry, I need you now" you said as you gripped his shoulders and started to unbutton his sexy auror robes.

"These stay on" Harry commanded as you raised your eyebrows. They were really tight robes, and you could practically see his bulge and the muscles on his chest through them.

"As you wish, Mr Potter" you whispered in his ear as Harry lifted you up with barely any effort and set you down on the kitchen table nearby. You didn't care that you ate on that bloody table

You laid down as Harry stood at the edge, near your opening. You lifted your knees up and allowed him better access to your swollen pussy, the result of your previous orgasm.

Harry took his incredible dick out of his unbottoned pants and stroked himself as you admired him. After a few more strokes, he positioned himself at your opening and looked at you for approval. You nodded as you thanked Merlin this man was yours. As he slid into you, you let out a scream as he grunted and moved inside you.

"You're so tight, y/n, fuck" he managed to say while you whimpered.

"Haven't... had sex...in a while now" you said as you tried to get used to the incredible feeling of being filled up completely.

"I'll have to fix that" you heard Harry say before all you could hear was your moans and the sound of skin slapping against skin.

Harry loved seeing you like this. How your back would arch as he hit a deep spot inside you, how your hair was spread everywhere, how you'd open your mouth to make soundless moans of pleasure and how your hand instinctively clutched your breasts.

He continued to pound into you, his hands holding up your thighs as you felt the knot in your stomach tightening. Your walls squeezed Harry's dick uncontrollably as he moaned and praised you. Your pussy was already sensitive from your earlier orgasm and the way Harry's balls hit your labia was driving you insane.

"So tight for daddy, you're so beautiful y/n"

You bit your lip and nodded before your eyes rolled back once again from Harry hitting your g-spot.

"Fuck Harry, I think I'm gonna, m'gonna-"

You screamed while you coated Harry's cock with your juices and he fucked you through your high, making it all the more intense. As you panted in pleasure you noticed that Harry's dick was bigger inside you and he was close to his own orgasm. As he was going to pull out you protested

"No, daddy! Cum inside me!"

Harry, hearing that, moaned and a moment later you could feel ropes of his hot seed inside you, filling you up and shooting deep into you.

Best. Feeling. Ever.

As Harry leaned over the table to kiss you, he asked, "Did you take your pills?"

You shook your head and smiled at him "I think I'm ready, love" you told Harry truthfully.

Harry smiled widely and kissed your neck "Round two, then?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As you drove up to the station to pick the kids up, you couldn't help but be nervous. You hadn't told any of the three about your new month- old baby girl, and you hoped they would love her just as much as you and Harry did. Harry put his free arm around you and kissed your forehead briefly before turning his eyes back to the road.

You looked down at Belle. She really was so beautiful, you thought, as you snuggled her in your arms.

The train arrived soon after you reached the station, and you prepared yourself for the worst

As soon as Lily ran towards you, she broke out in a smile "Hey mom! Hey dad!" and then nearly screamed in delight "Oh my god, who's that!!!"

"That's your new baby sister" you told her, smiling, as Harry picked Lily up in his arms.

Albus and James were close behind Lily and James made a joke about how she was cuter than all the girls in his year as you laughed.

Albus gave the baby his pinky and Belle's little fingers wrapped around it. "I like her" he said, as you almost sighed in relief. Harry beamed at you and you couldn't have been happier as you all turned to go home.

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ckjbun · 2 years

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Kinda an important notice ...

Hey y'all! I haven't been on here much for the past several months, not sure if you even remember me lol

But yeah, if you do, I've got some things to say...

You don't have to read all of this, there is a TLDR at the end but I just want to use my blog to vent.

Sooo ... In the last few months, my health was slowly getting worse and worse. It started with a blister-like rash on my hands. At that time, I was working in the lab wearing gloves. So I thought maybe it was due to the friction of the gloves on my skin when opening bottles (I had to open a lot of bottles which were under high pressure).

After a while, I became more and more listless, I had no motivation to do the things I used to love like cooking or writing theories. I didn't feel like keeping up with any manga etc.

And then pain started to set in. At the beginning, it was only in the morning. Pain in my joints of my hands. But I ignored it because I had this pain yearly and my doctor always said, "It's probably nothing. You're too young." He was referring to me being too young for rheumatic problems.

I noticed how I started to have problems with concentrating. I started to forget things easily. I started to struggle with expressing myself or with remembering what I was gonna say or do. Much more than usually.

The pain didn't stop with my hands. It spread into my arm muscles and my legs and hips slowly became more and more stiff. It was getting harder for me to stand up.

I still ignored it because "I had no time". I was stressed because of my studies. I had to work on my bachelor thesis and exams. And since my ability to focus declined, I was getting more stressed because I wasn't able to study. I spent days scrolling on social media without taking in any information. With each day not studying, I had even "less time". So I told myself that I will deal with this pain after my exams.

Yeah, I know, stupid right?

The pain peaked after my exams. My whole body was in pain. I was unable to get up from my bed. Every little wiggle of my finger hurt. Every attempt to bend my knees shot me to hell.

I know, it sounds like I'm exaggerating. And maybe I am. But at that moment, I genuinely felt like I would die if I moved.

And then .. it got better!!

The pain lessened. I was able to move. I was overjoyed. I thought I had juvenile arthritis (simply said chronic joint pain due to inflammation). But if my symptoms are getting better without treatment, it's a good sign, right? Right????

Yeahhhh, nope. All the pain suddenly came back two weeks after it was getting better.

And so cold. I was so cold everyday.

So yeah, I spent the last month or more getting sent from one doctor to another. Taking blood and urine tests here and there. Going to the emergency. Taking x-rays and body scans. More blood tests. Trying to figure out what was wrong with my body.

The first time one of the doctors told me something about the test results was on March the 1st, after my first day of work at my internship.

"You have an autoimmune disease."

Yeah, I suspected that.

"It might be Lupus erythematodes."

...

A vague memory of a celebrity announcing they had Lupus surfaced.

Lupus ... a wolf, my latin brain thought.

Of course, I googled it.

"95% of the people with this disease survive the first 5 years. 85% survive the first 10 years."

What about 20 years?? Does everyone die off after the first 10 years???

More google searches.

"Most patients have an almost normal life span."

Relief.

"As long as it doesn't attack your organs."

Panic.

At that time, I had lower back pain for two weeks. Right where the kidneys are. Additionally, I felt a weird pain a little bit above my left chest and in my stomach area.

I might wanna explain more what systemic Lupus erythematodes is. But it's complicated because every patient can have different symptoms and I'm still learning about this disease.

But what it basically does is inflame and cause pain to your organs. Most commonly it affects your joints and skin. If your internal organs are affected, it gets complicated. Even deadly, if it is your kidneys. It can basically inflame any part of your body that's why the symptoms are so versatile.

Often the inflammation occurs in "batches". Inbetween these flare ups of pain, you might have no symptoms at all. In my case, I still have morning stiffness and pain in my hand joints. I also don't have strength in my hands.

What causes these flare ups? UV-light, stress, infections can be very dangerous and probably a few more things I forgot.

But most importantly, most of the patients have a limited "energy reserve". Every, and I mean literally e v e r y activity requires a lot of energy. Normally, I can't remove my blankets on my own because they feel too heavy. So my mom wakes up every morning to help me get up and wear socks.

The thing is, if I overuse my energy, I won't pass out but rather draw from tomorrow's energy reserve. But what happens in the next few days is another flare up of pain. So I have to be very careful.

Fast forward to last week, I finally got the official diagnosis.

Last July, I was in Rome, walking kilometres and climbing stairs up and down the whole day. No big issues except for tired feet.

Now, I'm already exhausted before I even leave the house for work.

It hurts. It hurts me and it hurts my family to see me like this. My family is super supportive. They do so much for me like washing my feet, massaging me etc. All the things that seemed so easily done, suddenly required so much energy. Especially my mom helps me a lot. And I feel so bad because she's not getting younger and I know she has health issues too. I know she's pushing herself.

Most of my friends and relatives keep their distance because they don't want to upset me. But I actually just want one shoulder to cry on. Because I don't want to cry in front of my mom any more. I know it hurts her. So so much.

So yeah, I wanted to tell y'all why I was absent and I will continue to be so. I want to focus on my health and try implementing life style habits that lessen the pain. Not sure when and if I'm coming back.

I've read that for some women it got better with age, so let's hope I'm one of them. I will start medication soon, so let's hope that it will help me and not affect me negatively. Let's hope I will regain the strength to do the things I used to love.

And most importantly, I hope my family stays alright.

Disclaimer: I'm sorry, if I got any medical facts wrong. As I said, I'm still learning about it and there is so much info. I'd be happy if you could correct me. Thanks.

TLDR;

My health declined over the last months. I've been diagnosed with a very rare autoimmune disease. Since I was in a lot of pain, I wasn't online much and I will continue not to be. I want to focus on my health. Currently, there is no cure but maybe I can lessen the symptoms by implementing healthy habits.

TLDR END;

If you read all of this, thank you so so much. It means a lot to me that you gave me some of your time to listen to me <3 but I totally understand if you didn't!!

I'm very grateful to have found this community. The tumblr side of bsd has helped me so much during this pandemic. I'm very thankful for the people I met on here last year. I really hope that life has good things for you and that you stay healthy. I'm sending much love to y'all.

Especially my mutuals. I'm sorry that I haven't interacted with y'all for such a long time. But you really made my last year so much better and I'm grateful for that. I hope you guys are alright.

@n1kolaiz @right-on-the-money @samsa19 @banunuisthebest @elk208 @everyonesfavoritebastard @chazukekani @atalina-falling @emmacifer @pompompurin1028 @agni-skies @justanotherdamnedweeb @boredotaku567 @tunamayuuu

I feel like I'm missing one or two people. I'm really sorry if I forgot you. My memory has gotten worse.

Take care everyone! Maybe I will scroll through my tumblr once in a while and interact with your posts. But yeah, please stay safe!

#personal #long post #not bsd

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nadisabug · 3 years

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How They React To You Gaining Weight

Pairing: Bokuto Kotaro/Iwaizumi Hajime/Tsukishima Kei x fem! reader

Requested: @animexwonderland

Genre: Angst, Hurt/comfort

Warnings: okay so there is A LOT of self hate in this one, lots of insecure thoughts and overall sad times BUT comfort at the end, cursing, and suggestive themes

Word Count: 2k

A/N: ofc if you give me the choice I’ll pick tsukki bby

Haikyuu Masterlist // Part 2

Bokuto K.

"Baby come here," Kotaro whined.

"No!" You darted away from him again.

"Please just let me pick you up!"

For some reason, your boyfriend got it into his head that it would be cute for you two to do the classic end-of-Hallmark-movie spin together. The one where the two run towards each other and the boy picks up the girl and spins her around.

Adorable right? And oh so very Kotaro. But only one problem.

You didn't want him to notice how heavy you were.

Recently you had put on some weight and now none of your jeans fit. So, you had resorted to wearing sweatpants and baggy sweatshirts everyday out of necessity and to hide the weight. You had been feeling so insecure about it and you didn't want your fit, toned, athletic, sexy boyfriend to notice.

Thinking about all your weight and the shame behind it, you snapped.

"Just quit it!"

Kotaro stopped chasing you and adopted one of his rare serious looks. "Baby, what's wrong?"

He waited for you to answer but you couldn't say anything.

"This isn't about me picking you up, is it?"

"Yes it is!" You shot back. You folded your arms and looked away. "I just don't want to be picked up."

Kotaro took a couple steps forward and reached out to cup your cheek. He held it softly, but firmly turned it so that you were looking at him. "Baby, just tell me what's really wrong."

"Fine," you snapped. "I gained weight and I didn't want you to notice. Happy?"

"Why didn't you want me to notice?" Kotaro asked genuinely.

You blinked at him dumbfoundedly. How could he not know?

"Because..." you started slowly. "I was afraid you'd leave me..."

Kotaro smiled ruefully. "Baby, do you really think I am that vain?"

"No of course not," you answered quickly. "I just... you're so athletic and goodlooking and perfect and-"

"And you're gorgeous and sexy and stunning and beautiful and-"

"Baby stop," you flushed and covered his mouth. He continued to mumble more compliments until he seemed to run out of words. Then he gently took your hands off of his mouth.

"Skinny does not equal pretty, baby. I love you and everything about you and nothing will change that okay." Kotaro adopted a sly look on his face. "Besides it sounds like you're doubting my absolute, super-human strength."

“Oh shove off,” you rolled your eyes.

“You don’t know how much I can bench,” he winked.

“Do you even lift,” you paused. “Bro?”

Kotaro gasped dramatically. “My own dearest lover, doubting me?” He sobered up for a second. “If it bothers you, I won’t do it. But just know that I love you, despite whatever you may weigh.”

You nodded with a smile. “C’mon, let’s go back to my place.” Kotaro’s eyebrows shot up and his cheeks reddened. You slapped him on the arm. “Not like that, we had a study date remember?” His mouth formed an o and he nodded.

“Let’s go.” You took his hand and couldn’t help but feel just a little bit better.

Iwaizumi H.

You felt your heart sink as soon as you stepped on the scale. You already had been feeling it, but this just confirmed it. You had gained weight.

You felt tears start to prickle at your eyes. Sure your live-in boyfriend told you you were pretty, but did he really mean it? Would he think that forever?

It had all started when your clothes felt just a little tighter. It was likely due to the fact that your school was all online now (thank you covid) so you got out less and weren't as active. Even though you knew there was a reasonable explanation, it didn't help the sorrow at the pit of your stomach. You felt nauseous.

And then the tears began to fall. You felt so helpless, so much useless hate directed nowhere but yourself. You couldn't help it. You silently cried as you stared at the number.

Too high, too high.

You watched it until the digital scale when black, but you didn't hop off. You couldn't move. All you could do was stand there and just cry. You were so absorbed in your anguish that you didn't hear you boyfriend's footsteps.

He pushed open the half closed door and peeked in. "Babe, where are th- oh shit babe!" He rushed to your side quickly and looked you up and down. "Are you hurt? What's wrong?"

You tried to answer him, but the lump in your throat was too thick. All you could do was look back down at the scale and cry more.

Hajime quizzically followed your eyes down to the scale and slowly the pieces clicked together in his mind. Without asking, he grabbed your hand and pulled you off the scale and into his arms.

At that motion, you completely lost it. Large hiccuping sobs racked your body as Hajime held you close. You fisted your hands into his shirt and buried your face into his chest and just cried. He rubbed comforting circles into your back and squeezed you tight. He didn't say a word, just held you as you cried.

You weren't sure for how long you cried, but you knew it was a while. You didn't stop crying until your body felt drained and your head hurt slightly from the dehydration.

Once you stopped sniffling, you pushed against Hajime's chest.

"I... I'm okay now..." You whispered softly, voice nasal from your stuffy nose.

"I'm not," Hajime whispered back.

You squirmed until you could see his face. Surprisingly, he was crying too.

"What, babe why are you crying?" You reached up and wiped the tears off of his face. "Everything's all right now."

Hajime shook his head. "You're not supposed to be comforting me, I'm supposed to be comforting you," he chuckled softly. "Besides everything is not alright. Why did that number upset you so much?"

At this, you broke eye-contact. "I... I was worried..." You paused, but Hajime waited for you to finish. "I was just so upset because you're so perfect you deserve bett-"

"Don't you finish that sentence," Hajime warned in a low voice. You closed you mouth slowly. "Look at me." You bit your lip. "Babe, look at me," Hajime ordered once more.

At that you raised your watery eyes to meet his stern ones. They were hard, but they held so much love and adoration in the you almost wanted to cry. Again.

"I love you. I want to spend every moment I have left with you and a few pounds will never change that."

"It's not just a few pounds, it's a lot-"

"Don't. I don't care. You are beautiful and nothing will ever change that. Don't you ever think you don't deserve me because that's bullshit and I don't want to hear it. I don't want anyone else and nothing, you hear me, nothing will change that."

A few years escaped from your eyes. "Are you sure?" You asked in a fragile voice.

"Deadly," he confirmed with an unwavering gaze. "Now, let's go cuddle outside the bathroom please?"

You giggled and nodded, letting him drag you away.

Tsukishima K.

“Do I smell like shit?”

The question was blunt and straight to the point, just like your boyfriend was.

You blinked, pausing to collect your thoughts. You were at the table in the library, studying together. But Kei was doing anything but studying. It looked like he had been staring at you for a while before popping his question. His text book was off to the side, closed, and he was leaning his head on the palm of his hand as his eyes bore into you.

“Wh-uh, what the fuck?” You finally stammered. Kei just kept looking at you.

You sighed and marked the page you were on and closed the book. You shifted uncomfortably in your seat and looked back up at him. “I’m going to need more information than that, love.”

“Its a simple question.”

“Yes, but why are you asking?”

“Answer mine first.”

You sighed. “No, of course you don’t smell like shit. What’s gotten into you?”

He hummed but his blank expression did not change. “Interesting.”

“You need to start explaining now bec-”

“You told me a couple months back that you borrowed my sweatshirts because you liked the way that I smelled. However, recently, you haven’t been asking for them. Hence the question, do I smell like shit.” Kei folded his hands in front of him and leaned forward. “But you just said I don’t. So now I am confused, because that was the only reason I could come up with.”

You felt your heartbeat in your head, pulsing to the rhythm of your anxiety. It was obvious that Kei knew something was up. Curse you for picking a fucking genius for a boyfriend.

You swallowed the lump in your throat and thought of what to say. It was going to be hard to lie to him, but you didn’t want to tell him the truth. The scary truth that you were afraid they wouldn’t fit.

Part of the allure and aesthetic of wearing your boyfriend’s sweatshirts were that they were big on the girl. However, you had recently put on some weight so you were very sure that they would be anything but big on you. The image of your belly stretching the fabric was poison in your mind.

“Y/n?” Kei called, startling you from your thoughts.

“Uh, yeah, um, I have my own sweaters?”

“That never stopped you before,” he replied dryly.

“Well, I just don’t feel like bothering you to-”

Kei sighed loudly, cutting you off. He leaned into his hand and pinched his temple, squeezing his eyes tight. “Why are you lying to me? What is the real reason?”

You closed your mouth and looked down at your hands. You felt the lump in your throat rising and you fought to keep it down.

“I just...” You sighed. There was no point in lying to him. He would find out eventually. “I’m afraid they won’t fit.”

“What?” Kei responded, seemingly surprised.

“I am not repeating myself,” you frowned and looked up at him.

“No, no, it’s just that’s so stupid.”

“Thanks for validating my feelings,” you rolled your eyes. Typical Kei.

“How am I supposed to validate that when its absurd? Y/n I am 190 centimetres, I wear a double XL, how would that not fit you?”

“I gained weight oka-”

“Fine. If you’re going to be like this, be like this.” He started packing up his stuff.

“W-wait Kei-” Images of the worst case scenario flashed through your mind.

“We’re going to my to try on my sweatshirt. If it doesn’t fit, I’ll get a bigger one so you can wear it.”

You were dumbstruck. This was possibly the nicest thing Kei had ever done for you. Whether it was the built up emotions or the actual act, you felt tears welling at your eyes.

“Pack up, or are you just gonna stare at me?” Kei snapped.

You smiled and nodded, then turned to start packing up. You knew his anger wasn’t directed at you, it was just his frustration peeking out. He always had a terrible time managing his emotions. You were thankful for him, though. No matter how rough he was around the edges, he really did love you.

Once you were done packing, you stood up and slipped your hand into his. “I love you.”

“Yeah, even though you’re frustrating as fuck I kinda like you too.”

You smiled and couldn’t help but feel just a little better.

Taglist: {OPEN}

#bokuto kotaro x reader #bokuto x reader #bokuto imagine #iwaizumi hajime x reader #iwaizumi x reader #hajime x reader #hajime imagine #tsukishima x reader #tsukishima imagine #tsukki x reader #tsukkishima x reader #haikyuu x reader #tw self hate #tw; self hate

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planetsano · 4 years

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insecurities

request: in which Bakugou, Todoroki, Izuku, Kirishima and Kaminari are about to get intimate with their partner but their partner has body insecurities.

warning(s): may be triggering to those sensitive about their looks/body, low self esteem, implied sex, cursing, aged up (19+)

— [♡] ; bakugou katsuki

Bakugou is a bit brash and rough around the edges and he's fully aware of that, but when it comes to you, he's a gentleman. He is very careful, kind and protective with you. He's really into you.

So when you started crying in the middle of a heated make out he was startled. He immediately thinks that he hurt you somehow.

“What’s wrong? Did I hurt you?” He’s looking down at you with concerned eyes and furrowed brows.

You're embarrassed and at this point covering your face with your hands while you cried.

“Hey. Talk to me, dummy.” Bakugou spoke to you softly. He'd gently take your wrist trying to remove your hands from your face. You reluctantly let him move your hands exposing your wet eyelashes and tear stained cheeks.

“I’m sorry.” Your voice was small and you felt extremely vulnerable underneath his intense gaze.

“What are you sorry for?” At this point he's confused just as much as he is worried.

“I don't want to disappoint you..” You feel your bottom lip quiver and tears forming at the rim of your eyes.

“Disappoint me? What are you on about?” Bakugou is a tough boy but he's fucking beyond worried at this point. He just wishes you would tell him what's wrong so he could fix it.

You would finally admit to him that you don't like your body. You never have. That it's frustrating for you being in a relationship with him and wanting to take it to the next level but you just can't bring yourself to be completely naked in front of him. Not yet.

Man, his heart is really aching at your words.

He’s also shocked because he genuinely believes every inch of you is perfect so it's shocking to hear you're worried that he won't like your body.

He's not the best with words but he'll try.

“How do you not know that you're fucking beautiful? Everything about you is perfect, even when you annoy the fuck out of me you're still perfect. I couldn't care less about how your body looks so don't think stupid thoughts like that.” He tried and in the process he makes you smile the tiniest of smiles.

You feel a little silly because at the end of the day it's Katsuki for god's sake. This boy loves you so much.

He's willing to tell you that you're perfect everyday until you believe it.

— [♡] ; todoroki shouto

Todo wouldn't ever pressure you into doing something you weren't ready to do or something you weren't comfortable with. He's extremely patient and considerate of your feelings. It's almost scary what he can put up with.

But I think after enough rejection and excuses every time you two start to get intimate he’d start to feel like he was the problem. You know with coming from a traumatizing childhood, I don't think he'd take rejection, especially from a loved one, very lightly. It’d really hurt him.

He just wants to make you happy in any and every way possible so he would start to think he's lacking in some area.

Todoroki is very articulate with his thoughts so it wouldn't be long before he brought up how he was feeling.

It'd most likely be after another rejection, usually in the middle of a heated makeout and clothing start to come off.

“Darling.. am I doing something wrong?” His voice is soft as he looks at you sitting on the other side of the bed.

“What do you mean?” You tilted his head in confusion.

He then explains how he feels and you start to feel awful. You never wanted him to feel like you didn't want him. If anything you thought it would have been the other way around.

“Babe, no! You're not doing anything wrong. I'm just.. kind of insecure about my body. I don't want to upset you.” You admit.

Todoroki is upset because he thinks you're stunning in every way and doesn’t want to accept the fact you don't see you're as highly as you should.

From that point forward he's more determined to make sure he does everything in his power to make you feel beautiful and comfortable in your own skin.

— [♡] ; izuku midoriya

“We can stop if you want to, bunny.” Izuku’s voice is gentle while he looks at you in concern.

He knew something was wrong the moment your body tensed up when his hands began to pull at your shirt so he immediately halted his actions to check on you.

“No.. I'm just..” You struggle to find your words and he could see that. It was tough for you to admit you had body insecurities to him because you've never told anyone how you really feel. You didn't like being vulnerable so you kept it all to yourself hoping that one day you'll magically wake up and love yourself but it doesn't work that way. You knew that.

“It's me.. your Midoriya. You can tell me anything, remember?” He gave you a reassuring smile and a gentle squeeze on your leg.

“My body.. I don't..” You trailed off feeling more and more anxious.

Izuku wouldn't press you to continue speaking because he would already connect the dots. Not from just now but other behaviors he's noticed throughout his relationship with you. It all makes sense now.

He's also upset that he didn't figure this out sooner on his own so he could comfort and support you.

Izuku is very in touch with his emotions so it wouldn't surprise me if he starts tearing up at you. He'd immediately reassure you that you're beyond beautiful and he doesn't care about how your body looks, he never has. He just loves everything about you.

He doesn't expect for all your insecurities to disappear at his words either because he knows it doesn't work like that.

Izuku is 1000% ready and willing to help you build your confidence every step of the way.

You two would end up cuddling and just opening up to one another. You both pinky promised that whenever you two were going through something that you would say something so you can be there for each other.

— [♡] ; kirishima eijirou

“Are you sure, babe?” Kirishima pulled away from your hot and passionate kiss looking at you with concerned eyes.

“Of course, I want to make you feel good.” You kissed him again, hands beginning to unbuckle his belt but something seemed off. You pulled away and furrowed your brows in confusion at your boyfriend.

He looked like something was bothering him and it worried you. Have you done something to upset him?

“What's wrong..?” You sat on your knees between his legs resting your hands on his thighs.

“I feel like I'm using you.” He admits.

“Why do you feel that way?” You shook your head in confusion still not understanding what was bugging him.

“You're always so willing to please me but.. I never have the chance to return the favor.” He says sadly.

“Baby.. you're not using me please don't feel that way.” Your hand rested on the side of his cheek.

“I just figured that.. I'd only do things for you because I’m scared that you won't like my body if we do have sex.” You say.

Kirishima doesn't know whether to be angry at society's unachievable beauty standards or mad at himself for “failing” to make you feel beautiful and comfortable in your own skin.

Of course he was unaware of how you felt about your body but he still feels like a bad boyfriend. He thinks he should've known sooner so he could do something.. anything.

Kirishima 100% wrapping you up in his arms and smothering you in a hug because he feels like right now that's all he can do.

He's thinking a million thoughts but the only words that he can form are; “I love you.. and I think you're the most breathtaking person alive.”

He's giving you forehead kisses while he basically cradles you in his arms.

You feel like crying but you hold it in. It just feels really good to be loved for you by someone you're head over heels for.

— [♡] ; kaminari denki

Kaminari is your biggest hype man. You cut your hair? He's hyping you. You're wearing a new outfit? He's hyping you. You do the bare minimum? He's still hyping you.

It's literally

You: H-

Kaminari: “You have no business out here looking the way you do.”

When he finds out you're not happy with your body he almost thought it was a mean joke to play on him and yourself.

He genuinely can't wrap his head around you not loving yourself because he thinks you're beyond perfect, almost otherworldly.

You told Kaminari that you wanted to before having sex and he was 100% and willing to wait for you.

But here you were, a little tipsy straddling your boyfriend on the couch. Everything was going well until that little voice in your head continuously reminded you about your insecurities.

Kaminari takes notice of your sudden shift in energy.

“We can wait, baby! There's no pressure!” He's giving you a reassuring and cheerful smile. His cheeks were slightly rosy from the drinks he's had earlier in the night.

“No.. I want to.. It's just my body..”

“What about your body, baby?”

“I don't like it.”

This boy loses his shit.

Like what do you mean you don't like your body? You're the most beautiful person he's ever seen! Kaminari is still waiting the day he wakes up because he can’t believe that he landed such a babe like you!

He holds your face in his hands and gives you a whole speech with an introduction, body and conclusion on every single thing he loves about you.

Kaminari is determined to help you build your self esteem by any means.

He loves you and you should love yourself!

#my hero academia #my hero academia imagines #my hero academia x reader #bakugou katsuki x reader #bakugou katsuki #todoroki shoto x reader #todoroki shouto imagine #todoroki shouto #izuku midoriya x reader #midoriya izuku #eijirou kirishima #eijirou kirishima x reader #kaminari denki #kaminari denki x reader #bnha #bnha x reader #bnha imagines #todoroki shouto x reader

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sumsebien · 3 years

Text

by design pt.2 // Prince Friedrich

series masterlist

summary: one room and two very confused individuals.

word count: 3.6k

warnings: none

a/n: don’t ask me how. i don’t know either :) (edited: i added another scene yall)

Friedrich stood awkwardly next to the coffee table, looking out the window while you sat on the couch all the way across the room from him. A queen-sized bed splitting the space into his side and yours that none of you were willing to cross.

“The weather-“ Friedrich began, taking a quick peek outside, “-is lovely, don’t you think?”

“It really is.” You were just going to say that.

It had been 15 minutes and that was the first thing you had said to each other after the doors were closed. Both of you were longing for lunch time to arrive for an escape, any escape from this tragic situation you felt developing.

“I-“

“Oh, you were saying?” he asked.

“No, nothing. You?”

“I was just-I think I’ll head out for a minute. Check on where the rest of the luggage is.”

It was confirmed. He absolutely despised your guts. That was not his job. A Prince never had to check on anything. If he wanted to stay, there was nothing that could stop him. Not even some stupid luggage. He must be leaving because he didn’t want to stay in your company any longer.

“Oh, of course.”

Friedrich gave you a small smile, walking towards the door with the least amount of elegance anyone had ever seen. His legs didn’t even feel like they were even his. There went all of his posture and diplomatic training.

As the Prince, he was forced to sit in numerous lessons on the art of making conversation and had to put it into practice almost immediately at dinner with his father. At Cambridge, he spent three years studying international relations, different societies and their interactions.

But somehow, the weather was the first thing he talked about. It was such a poor attempt that he was absolutely certain you found him dull. Even he thought it was dull.

And the walk? He could not explain where that came from. He was a giraffe who suffered an identity crisis and had no awareness of its legs.

There was no way in hell he was going to make you suffer through this the entire day. He thought as he asked his guards to find Heinrich. He was going to fix this.

Lunch had passed and soon came time for dinner.

You sat and watched the plate of beans, stale bread and soup go cold. It wasn’t because you were a picky eater by any means or that you held some sort of contempt for people less fortunate than yourself. It was none of that. It was the voice inside your head, feeding you paranoia every second that passed.

He would probably walk than sit on the same train as you. Remember his face? And the small talk that he kept having to make? Probably did not think you were worth any real conversation.

You stood up abruptly and then sat down again, the skirt of your dress rustling with your movement. You huffed, staring out the window with no intention of admiring the landscape. You just needed something else to think about. But there was simply nothing other than this.

Just as you were about to call your maids in to clear away the food, you heard a knock on the door. Careful this time, you stood up and told whoever on the other side to come in.

It was Friedrich. You scanned his expression with caution, hesitantly. He wore a gleeful grin on his face, his eyes gleaming. The happiest you had seen him. But it was fleeting, quickly wiped off when he saw your face. Were you that terrible?

He took a glance at the neglected tray and then back up at you. “Was the food not good?”

“Oh, I just wasn’t hungry.”

“Your lady’s maids are just outside. Would you like anything? Fruits?”

You shook your head. Through the gap he left, you could see Lea and Ilse’s figures. You walked past him to the doors, calling them in.

Once they saw your face, they immediately rushed into the room, curtsied to the both of you and took the tray away. You just stood next to the door and gazed aimlessly at the floors. Friedrich who was impressed turned to you with a remark that completely missed you.

“Yes?” you asked again.

“Nevermind that,” he smiled, “I have found a solution!”

“What?”

“A solution to our problem,” he gestured between the two of you. A glimmer of hope flashed in front of your eyes, so close that if you had reached out your hand you would have caught it. Your heartbeat hastened, your fingers clenching around themselves.

“I have rented out a compartment for myself. It should work perfectly well! You can have this room!”

Whatever else he said blew away. You heard none of it.

You could still see perfectly clearly though. A smile plastered on his face, his lips moving so fast you could not make out what he was saying even if you tried. He seemed so cheerful, so satisfied with himself that he had dealt with this, with you.

You blinked at him, your arms going limp at your side. Were you so despisable? That he had to leave the entire day just to figure out how to get away from you?

But where is the surprise? Even your own parents struggled to love you. All your life you had to live everyday knowing you were undeserving. Undeserving of your father’s pride from the moment you came into the world a girl. Undeserving of your mother’s affection for not being foolish enough. And undeserving of your betrothal’s tolerance. Not likable enough. Not pretty enough. Not Daphne or even Cressida.

“Y/N?”

His voice brought you back. You quickly ducked your head, rubbing away the tears that were gathering at the rim of your eyes. “Yes. Thank you.”

He paused, tilting his head to try and match your faze. “Is something wrong? Did I offend you?”

You waved him off, turning the corners of your lips upward in a show of pretend. “Not at all.”

“You’re crying.”

You sniffed. “Allergies. I apologize.”

You opened the door, “I believe your compartment awaits you. I will be completely fine, I promise.”

He walked over to the door, prompting you to take a step back and clicked it shut before you. “No,” he said, “there is something wrong. It’s my fault, isn’t it? You can tell me. I won’t be offended.”

You walked away from him, your back to him. “There is nothing wrong. There is nothing else I can say.”

“Y/N. I know you don’t trust me. But we are to be husband and wife-“

You spun around, all of your control gone. “Then why won’t you treat me so?”

Friedrich stared at you, unblinking.

“I know I am not who you expected. I am not who anyone expected,” you laughed bitterly, flicking your eyes up towards the ceiling to blink back the tears. “That much I know very well.”

“Y/N-“

You stopped him with the shake of your head. “But you must know that it is not my choice either. You don’t want to be in the same room as me yet you won’t let me leave.” Your fingers had been gripping on the fabric of your skirt. So tightly that it hurt when you yanked them away, throwing them in the air. “What must I do then? Disappear?”

“Y/N. Why do you think I did that?”

You sighed in exasperation. “You despise me!”

When your lungs were gasping for breath was when you knew you were done. Your breaths became deeper, easing the burning in your lungs but not the burning you felt in your heart. You took your time to watch him, really observe. His lips were pressed into a line as he watched you with pained eyes. Your words had slashed him but you did not know that. You did not think he would care.

Finally, he spoke, his voice barely louder than a summer breeze and calmer than a pond on a windless day. “I don’t despise you.”

“Y-you don’t...?”

He shook his head. “I got us separate rooms and I am giving you your space and your freedom because you clearly did not have in England.”

“I-“

“I didn’t have any freedom growing up either. People have a lot of input in my life. I know what it feels like to be an outsider in my own body, to want to run away and be myself. I may not have had it as bad as you but I still understand. And I am trying to give you your freedom.”

You stumbled onto the chair behind you and sat down. Friedrich sat across from you. The rounded coffee table was the only thing between you. He leaned against the arm, looking at you like he always did. But only now that you realized what exactly it was that he held in his gaze.

Sympathy.

“I am sorry if I made you feel like I despised you. Because that is not what I am trying to do.”

“No. I am sorry. I shouldn’t have lost control of myself like that. I obviously don’t know you enough to assume.”

An idea flashed in his eyes, he sat up, that excitement filling his blue eyes again. “How about we change that? I want to get to know you. And I will tell you whatever you want to know about me. Does that sound fair?”

“Fair.”

...

You were both painfully aware that there was only one bed. The both of you eyed it, wondering what you were supposed to do. It wasn’t as if any of you had any intention of doing anything other than talk. Right?

Well, you’d be lying if you said your mind wasn’t going somewhere else.

You didn’t know about him but you had been preparing yourself mentally for your wedding night ever since your mother gave you the talk. You just never thought that the first time you would share a bed with a man, your husband for that matter was to talk.

It was not that you were disappointed. You just did not know what to do. Somehow, this was more awkward than the ballet performance your father made you perform for his siblings and their children at Christmas. If there was ever a competition amongst the most humiliating instances in your life, that one would win, well, would have won.

“I will sit in the chair, you take the bed,” Friedrich decided.

It didn’t take a genius to see that the little wooden armchair was not going to be comfortable for him. Hell, you yourself had difficulty relaxing against the bumpy wooden backrest. He was essentially twice its height and had much more muscles than you. He simply would not fit.

“No, if anything, I’ll sit. It’ll be more comfortable for me.”

He quickly shut that idea down with the shake of the head. “No, I simply cannot allow that.”

“Why not?”

“Well for a start, I started this mess. You shouldn’t have to suffer the consequences-“

“I started it too!”

“You weren’t the one who placed a bet with my father, were you?”

“Bet?” What bet? He never told you about any bet?

Friedrich could see panic slowly rising in your eyes. He hadn’t meant to say it like that. It sounded as though this was all a game to him. You were probably thinking it was at that very moment.

“I,” he began, searching for the right words for a moment before he continued, “my father always wanted me to marry someone of his choice. It wasn’t ideal for me, I had had my freedom. I wasn’t going to give it all up. So I made a deal with him. If I ended up married at the end of the season, he would not be able to intervene.”

“But you weren’t married.”

He nodded.

Quietly gazing at the ground, you said nothing else and just sat down on the edge of the bed. Friedrich couldn’t see your eyes but he began to worry he had offended you.

Of course, he did. What was he thinking? He basically said marrying you was akin to being in a cell. He might as well have said that. What was the difference really?

Then, out of the blue, you apologized. An apology which felt wholly unnecessary. It sent him into a daze. “W-whatever are you apologizing for?” It was you who deserved an apology.

“I’m sorry,” you repeated, looking up, “about Daphne and about your father. I’m not sure I could have pulled myself together as well as you did at our wedding if I were you.”

Wordlessly, he sat down next to you, the both of you staring straight ahead. He didn’t think he handled it well at all. He just showed up. But then he decided against saying anything lest he ruined the conversation again.

After a little while, you turned to him with a question. “You loved her, did you?”

If you had asked him that question a couple of days ago, before he met you, he would have said yes immediately. He was very certain that he loved Daphne Bridgerton. But now that you were in the mix, he had other feelings to compare whatever he felt with Daphne to.

With Daphne, there was attraction. A lot of it. Perhaps so much that it had temporarily blinded him. There was also the pressure of the bet. Once he found someone he felt like he could love, he made the leap.

But something was amiss. There was always a concern that they wouldn’t quite connect on a deeper level. He knew that if he were to be having this conversation with Daphne instead of you, he wouldn’t have shared so much about his relationship with his father.

Yet, with you, he just knew you would understand.

“Did you love Simon?”

You shook your head, your eyes on your hands. “No, I didn’t. Not in the way I wanted to. I barely knew him. My parents did though. They were pushing me towards him when you and Daphne began to court.”

“And if they had asked you to marry him, would you have?”

The corners of your lips curled up ever so slightly. “I don’t have any other choice.”

Ever since that day at the abbey, he had suspected that this arrangement was forced upon you as well. Having it confirmed by you, however, saddened him. For you, it was never a question of this or that. It was either you did as you were told or you suffered. At least, he had a shot. You never did.

“I have no say in anything. Not even with my own performance at family gatherings,” you added, swinging your legs back and forth gently. The small smile on your lips lightened the mood. It made him smile as well.

“Me neither. It was quite the embarrassment.”

“I once fell flat on my face at Christmas trying to perform a ballet.”

“You did?”

You nodded. “And then I laid there. Like a log of wood.”

“That is still not as embarrassing as the time I got an awful grade in arithmetic. And came lunch time, it was splattered all over the papers: ‘Prince Friedrich does not know how to count.’“

You tried to hold back a laugh. But you couldn’t, your entire body was shaking with laughter. As a last attempt to save some grace, your hand flew to cover your mouth. A habit you had formed over the years living with a strict mother. Well, you weren’t sure if there was any grace left but it certainly sounded less like a hyena and more like a hyena with a rope around its mouth.

Friedrich couldn’t care less though. Very quickly, he joined you, leaning forward with a chuckle.

You found yourself looking at him and thinking how nice his laugh sounded. It wasn’t obnoxiously loud like the ones that echoed all across the estate during one of your father’s dinner parties. It wasn’t too perfectly staged either. It was simply a delightful sound. A laugh anyone would be jealous of.

When the room returned to its familiar silence, his arms accidentally brushed yours. The unexpected graze was so brief that you didn’t think he even noticed. You, on the other hand, were very aware.

To mask your increasingly reddening cheeks and clammy hands, you opted to carry on with the conversation. “I guess gossip papers truly are everywhere.”

“For an appetite so voracious, it is only fair. At Buckingham, everyone reads Lady Whistledown.”

You paused, shaking your head to yourself. “You read Lady Whistledown?”

“I must admit it is quite entertaining when it is not your name on the front page. You read it too, right?”

“Of course!” you grinned,” I am not allowed to but I find my ways. Who could dare dream of missing out on London’s latest?”

“So what are you allowed to read?”

“Nothing. Which is why I read everything I can get my hands on.”

You then continued to recount your late night adventures sneaking into the library. You seemed so proud that he couldn’t help but smile and nod along.

There was also that sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach as he learned more and more about your upbringing. You seemed to know that the nonsensical rules your parents imposed on you were unusual too. But somehow, you had learned to accept it as nothing more than a fact of life. You never spoke of them or referred to them with spite. Certainly not had the same sour taste that Friedrich had on his tongue everytime he spoke about his father.

The Duke and Duchess of Clarence were damn lucky to have you as their daughter. They certainly did not deserve it though. He thought bitterly.

...

You and Friedrich ended up in bed, talking all night.

By the time dawn was on the horizon, you had both finished recounting your childhood tales, leaving nothing behind. In the end, the two of you found in this complicated arrangement so much more than either of you could bargain for. A confidant.

“Who is to say the betrothed can't be good friends?” Friedrich said, leaning against the headboard as he looked up at the ceiling.

You laughed. “Not us apparently.”

“Would you be able to promise me something?” He turned his head to look at you.

If there was one thing Friedrich learned after hours of conversation, it was that you were the best friend he had never had. And he was not going to let that go. Not even for his own feelings.

“Yes?”

“That we will remain friends even if we can’t love each other like we should.”

You grinned, sticking out your pinky. “Promise.”

...

Dear sister,

Everything is in order. All that is left to be done is for my ‘Diamond of the season’ to produce a male heir....

Bernadine closed the letter and stuffed it in her trunk of clothes at the faintest sounds of footsteps echoing in the hallway outside. Putting on the sweetest smile, Bernadine made sure she was the first thing he saw coming into the room.

“Good evening, your Majesty. How was hunting?”

The King entered the room swiftly, slamming the doors behind it. She did not jump, immediately following him and helping him with his cloak.

“Didn’t catch anything,” he said, shaking off his muddy boots onto the floors. “The weather. Too gloomy and rainy. Scared off the deers.”

Bernadine hung the fur cloak up. While the King disappeared into the bathroom, she quickly closed the blinds, of course not missing the bright blue sky and the royal garden bathing in sunlight.

“Yes, the weather has been absolutely terrible these past few days.”

When he came out of the bathroom, she made sure to cling onto his side, steering him towards the desk. “Are you feeling better, my love?”

“Much. Made sure the train stayed right here before I left. Good luck travelling with the lower-class, son.”

The King began to cackle uncontrollably at that, even had to sit down at one point. And Bernadine made sure that he sat right before the stack of paperwork sent for him this morning.

“That is a genius idea!”

“I know it was. What is this?”

“This is everything that needed to be signed while you were gone.”

The King cleared his voice, taking his quill and began to scribble his name on every page. Even the one that had nothing to do there along with the more important national matters.

A contract.

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thepaperpanda · 3 years

Text

♥ Dangerously Perfect Match ♥ || Part III

♥Part I♥

♥Part II♥

Summary: Despite Earl Wolf's life is being flipped upside down, she still finds herself capable of bestowing one particular person with reconciliation and forgiveness

Warnings: Ivar 😈

Words: 10284

Authors: Cass & Rouge

Hvitserk was right - it was getting easier and easier every day. With each sunrise there was less Ivar in your memory and thoughts, he slowly stopped poisoning your mind which made you feel much better.

No more nightmares, no more doubts.

You simply carried on with all the duties of the Earl with Hvitserk by your side. He was really helpful despite your rough beginning. He was always there to help, and be the shoulder you could lean on.

If you only knew how much you would bring back from this whole journey, maybe you would have never decided to go.

Two months after returning home your body started changing, you stopped bleeding which never happened before and your belly started to grow.

After a short talk with your dear friend you decided to visit the healer. There your fears changed into reality.

You returned to the Great Hall and gave Hvitserk a soft smile, poor man was just as worried as you were.

"And what did healer say?," Hvitserk asked, offering you his arm as he gently wrapped his free hand around your waist to lead you back to your room. "You're pale like you'd have seen a ghost or any other mara," Ragnarsson claimed.

You let him walk you to your room, not speaking a word. There, you sat down on the bed and let out a heavy sigh. You weren't really sure how to admit it. Was it good news, or a curse sent by gods to punish you for getting involved with someone like Ivar.

"Well...," You said quietly with a shaky voice. "I am with a child."

"Congratulations," a smile formed on his lisp and he gasped, relieved. "I was worried you're sick. Child is a reason to celebrate and to be happy for Gods blessed you, dear."

You looked at him in disbelief. He was happy. You carried the child of a man that pretended to love you, played with you, used you for his own plans, and then just threw you away like a used rag when you were no longer needed. That man was hunting you for months, every dream and spilled tears reminded you how stupid you were. "Is there really a reason to be happy, Hvitserk? It's his child! What shall I do now?! Return to him like a wounded dog that I already am and beg him to take me back because of his child? He probably wouldn't even believe me! This child is Ivar's curse."

"Wait. Wait," Hvitserk frowned strongly, tilting head. "I know you and him had sex but he's a cripple. He can't have children, I am more than sure about that," he claimed. "Maybe you slept with someone else. It can't be Ivar's child. It can't."

"One more word and I will break more than your nose, Ragnarsson!," You growled at him, getting up from the bed. "Who do you think I am! I am the Earl, not some common whore. Since we returned from Kattegat I haven't slept with anyone else! There was just Ivar, and no one else ever after!"

"For Odin's sake, it breeds...," Hvitserk mumbled under his breath so you didn't hear him. "If he's the father, he should know anyway."

You laughed and shook your head, rubbing the bridge of your nose. "You think he will care? He is a heartless monster, he already proved it by toying me. You good know what he did, in the best case scenario he won't believe it and in the worst - he will try to kill us both."

"Think of what he will do if he finds out one day. He'll ground the settlement, he'll burn your people alive...," Hvitserk lowered his tone, grunting in the end. "Not that I am not happy, I'll be the uncle though, but I rather thought of Ubbe's child, Bjørn's maybe..."

Suddenly you bursted into tears. It was too much for you to handle at once.

Not so long ago you used to live without Ivar and now this happened. You just wanted to disappear, make everyone forget you have even existed. Hvitserk for a second stood still, he wasn't sure whether he should console you or not. In the end, he decided to approach and wrap his arms around your shaking shoulders. He hugged you tight. "I'll take care of you and of the child you're carrying. Don't be worried or sad, you're strong and you'll survive. And, you won't be able to say you're all alone in this world. You'll be the mother. You need to be strong for the baby."

You immediately nuzzled to him, shaking your head as you tried to catch a proper breath. "I can't, Hvitserk... It's his child. It's his... I don't want it. I can't... I don't know how to be a mother."

"You know. You had it written in your womanhood somehow," he assured, gently rubbing your shoulders. "The child didn’t want to come to this world, you both invited him or her, you need to be responsible now. As I said, I'll help as much as possible."

Hvitser was right in some way. "I... I just don't want him back in my life. I wasted enough time with him. He won't use me or the child."

"He won't. I won't let this happen," Hvitserk replied, kissing top of your head. "We'll survive."

As much as you hated to admit it; Hvitserk was right once again.

You never thought that your people can be more caring than they already were but they proved that they indeed could. Since the announcement was made, everyone became even more careful and protective of their Earl. All the women made sure you were okay.

This was something wonderful but all the nice words and assures didn't really change what you felt inside.

With every month the child under your heart grew bigger.

It was wonderful but deep inside you remembered Ivar's action. Everything that led you to this moment. You hated the child for being part of him but there also was part of you in there. You were torn apart.

Everything changed seven months later. After countless hours of bloody and painful labor, the child was welcomed to the world.

It was a boy and as soon as you saw him you knew you would kill anyone who will even try to hurt him.

You didn't care that boy had those piercing blue eyes and dark hair. He was your son and nothing would change that.

This was how little Vali became the part of your life.

In the beginning, you were sure that he was some kind of a curse, something to destroy your life more but after the first two months of motherhood, you were sure he was a blessing.

That one day, Hvitserk came from a little trip on the North; he went to meet with king Olaf who somehow learnt about Earl Wolf becoming a mother. "Y/N?," He asked once he got into the Great Hall. "I brought gifts from the king. He wishes you all the best and he sends his sincere wishes to yours son, too."

You sat on your throne with a Vali proactively wrapped in your arm and furry cloak. "Gifts? From Olaf? That's a great surprise, I'll have to send a messenger to thank him for this all. He didn't have to do this."

Smiling you got up from the throne and walked to Hvitserk. "Look Vali, your dear uncle is back," you hummed and looked at Ragnarsson. "He missed you so much."

"I hope," Hvitserk chuckled in the deep tone of his. He reached under his cloak and pulled out a little bear-shaped toy, made of the finest type of silk. "This one's for you, Vali. Just don't eat it."

You laughed, and took the toy to show it to the little boy.

Vali looked at the toy and giggled loudly. "He loves it. I can already tell we have a new thing that he won't sleep without.”

"That's good," Hvitserk briefly tapped the boy's nose and placed the little kiss on his temple shortly after. "So, maybe now you'll stay with me, so your beautiful mom can have some spare time?"

"Hvitserk, you just got back. Please, go take a bath and rest. I am already done with my duties for the day, so spending time with my handsome, little bundle of happiness is a blessing," you assured him.

"You sure?," He asked but nodded shortly. "Whatever Earl says."

What he needed would never come and no matter how much he seeked, he wouldn't find it.

Ivar wasn't born for great things, nor to find his place in the sun, he kind of accepted it. He could try every day, work for what he wants and needs, but there were no paths to success, not from here, from the abyss of rage and nothingness.

People talked as if he couldn't hear them.

He knew too well they spoke about him being inept in all facets of the ruling.

Kattegat turned into a very dark place since both Earl Wolf and older Ragnarsson left.

People, who were unfavorable to their new leader, were vanishing in pretty questionable circumstances.

Settlement streets were said to be flowing with the blood of enemies of the self proclaimed king.

People lived in terror, hoping everyday they'll be able to witness another sunrise.

Ivar locked himself completely. Trusting only a few people, he spent all of his days within Great Hall, in his bedroom, dreaming of other scenarios, dreaming of what would happen if he didn't send the Earl away.

There was hope before, when she was by his side. Just a tiny flicker against the wind. But not it vanished completely, leaving a painful wound across his heart.

He heated himself for what he decided back then but he couldn't turn the time back.

But the worst was about to come.

When deputy of king Olaf arrived with the very unexpected news about Earl Wolf, Ivar broke completely. Not only did he destroy the place he was born in, and which he used to call home, he randomly stabbed at least two of his guards in a rage outburst.

He had never felt so much rage before as when he learnt she bore a son.

Few days had passed since Hvitserk returned and you felt happy; your little family was reunited.

You were sitting on a furry rug with Vali and tried to tell him a story but the boy was too busy with his new toy to listen to your voice.

"You know, Hvitserk, I was scared before he was born that he will be deformed as his father or that he will destroy my life but now I am ready to protect him with my life," you said and raised your head, looking at the man entering your room.

Hvitserk held a mango in his hand. His glance immediately fell on you and a little bundle of joy placed on your lap. "I told you to not be stressed. He is perfectly fine and will grow into a fierce warrior, just like his mother," Hvitserk cut mango in half and offered you piece.

You gave him a smile and took the fruit. "Maybe when he grows up, there will be no need to fight. Maybe finally the world will be at peace, no need to risk life for a bit of glory or spill innocent blood." After saying that you took the bite of mango and hummed at the sweetness. "I am just happy my fears did not eat me alive and thanks Gods you were here the whole time."

Ragnarsson didn't say anything to comment on your words, he simply took a seat on the chair a few steps away and continued observing how you played with the baby.

"Don't sit so far away from us, Hvitserk. Come and play with us, little Vali wants to play with his uncle," you giggled, and took Hvitserk's hand to gently pull him so he joined both of you on the fluffy rug.

He followed your ask and sat on the floor next to you. His arm wrapped carefully around the baby as you passed the boy to him. Shortly after Hvitserk was laying on his back, holding Vali in his straightened arms, up in the air, gently tossing the boy up to catch him in his arms seconds later, earning a loud laughter and giggling from the boy.

You laughed, watching them. This sight was a pleasure to your heart. Your little boy was healthy and happy, not caring about anything else but fun. He was always taken care of, with his belly full, and it was all he ever needed.

Hvitserk was a blessing, too.

Even if you sometimes wished that Ivar was here, the older Ragnarsson easily stepped into the father role for Vali. Right now, you didn't regret anything that ever happened because this all brought you here, and you were happy with this all.

Hvitserk looked at you with the corner of his eye. "Something wrong? You're staring."

You gasped and used your hands to cover your eyes with a quiet laugh. "Prince Hvitserk, I am so sorry for staring. I just found the two of you playing so cute that I couldn't help myself and watch. Please forgive me."

He couldn't stop himself from chuckling. "Everything is forgiven." He kept playing with the baby. The boy started to reach his chubby hands towards Hvitserk, so the man gently laid the baby on the furs and pretended to attack him. He earned a salve of laughter, so loud that it could pierce the ears.

You laughed with your boy and soon joined them to bathe the baby in the deserved attention and love.

Month passed quickly. With Vali under your care, it passed even quicker than you have ever expected.

The night covered the settlement in the darkness, every place went quiet but not the Great Hall.

When others were getting ready to sleep, you walked around your room with Vali in your arms while humming a lullaby.

The boy was your little treasure but putting him to bed was a nightmare, despite the day full of fun, he didn't want to sleep.

Most nights looked like this, he wasn't in pain or anything like this. He was just fussing.

Suddenly one of your thralls stepped in. "My lady, a deputy from another settlement arrived and claimed he has some news for you."

Hvitserk, who slept in another room already, was woken up by a chatter and rumour in the main chamber so he got up, put tunica on and went to check what was going on.

You frowned and passed the boy to the thrall. "Try to put him to bed or just wait with him here."

Soon. you entered the main chamber. You didn't expect any message from anyone you knew, this was very suspicious. Whatever it was you were ready to fight if needed. Sitting in your throne, you measured the deputy with a cold gaze.

"What new do you bring? What place are you from?"

"I'm coming from Kattegat,. ma'am," the deputy said, bowing his head.

Hvitserk, who entered the chamber and stood next to your throne, frowned.

You froze hearing this, clearing your throat you straighten your back.

"If king Ivar expects more gold from us you can tell him he won't get it. We broke both military and trading bonds between settlements. I won't pay more since we get nothing from the other side."

Deputy lowered his head. "King Ivar was killed by King Aethewulf in England."

You blinked completely shocked by those words. It was hard to believe since you saw his skills, he was simply too skilled to just get killed.

"Who gave you that information? Has anyone seen the body or his death?"

"I, my lady. I and at least one hundred of our warriors who made it back to Norway after unsuccessful raids."

Rubbing your cheek you nodded, still trying to accept the words you just heard. It was hard, you got over him months ago but Vali was this one little string that reminded and connected you to Ivar the Boneless.

"You can go. My people will give you a place to sleep, we can talk in the morning. Now rest, the way here was long and hard."

When the deputy left the Great Hall, you sighed heavily and looked at Hvitserk at your side.

"What do you think? Your brothers are back in Kattegat? Is he really dead or is it some kind of twisted plan to get us?"

Hvitserk looked all sad. "I don't know. But I don't think this man lied to us. He was dead serious. If this is true... If he died... For Odin's sake, I feel sick."

You quickly moved to him to place your palms on his cheeks in an attempt to calm him down. "Hvitserk, my friend. Please, stay calm, take a deep breath"

He did but it resulted in him shivering all over his body. "It can't be true... He was my little brother after all..."

You hushed him and hugged him as tightly as you only could. "I know, I know he was. I also can't believe it. Maybe the man was wrong, maybe he didn't see it right. Maybe your brother is alive... Just lost."

Hvitserk, as much as he hated it, broke fully and started sobbing. "Leave me, Y/N. I just need a walk." He gently pushed you aside and simply went out, don't paying attention to the coldness of the night and to the heavy rain outside.

What else could you do? He needed this, so you let him go, he would come back as he always did.

After a few more minutes of thinking, you simply returned to your room. Vali was somehow already asleep in his wooden crib. "If you only knew how much we lost. All of us," you whispered and placed a gentle kiss on the boy's forehead.

After tucking him in, you sat on your bed and broke into tears. Ivar was gone and it hurt. Despite everything they ever happened, deep down you still loved him.

Hvitserk returned in the morning. He was soaked wet with rain, and so drunk that he simply had a close encounter with the door leading to his room.

Loud bang on the door woke you up. Soon, you were out of the bed to see what even was that. The sight of poor Hvitserk all wet and drunk was really sad. "Oh, Hvitserk. What have you done to yourself..."

He scoffed. "I'm fine, Y/N. I can't find my room. Did you.... T-take it away?"

You let out a heavy sigh, and shook your head. "Girls! Could you please come here?”

Three thralls that you knew he liked the most walked up to you. "What can we do?"

"Take him to his room, bathe him, feed him if he wants, change his clothes and put him to bed, please," you said, and the girls looked at Hvitserk.

"I can do... By my own... I am not drunk," he placed hands on his hips trying to scoff your words but instead he lost his balance and almost fell to the floor.

You chuckled. "Yes, we can all see this. Go with girls. I know you like them, they will help you."

Hvitserk gasped but his hand wrapped around the waist of one of the girls.

All three of them giggled. "Oh, we will gladly help him and take care of him," one of them hummed happily.

Two years passed like sand in an hourglass; quickly and unnoticeable. Some time ago Vali was just a little bundle of joy, and now he was a curious two-year-old. Always asking questions and looking at new stuff with those big blue eyes.

Vali took most after his father, those beautiful eyes and dark hair. Happily, his character was more like yours.

"You think we should throw a feast today? After all, it's boy's big day," you asked, and looked at Hvitserk while playing with Vali's hair.

Hvitserk was sitting at the table, playing with a knife in his hands as he was rethinking your idea. "Yes. We need to feast. This is your son's big day. He needs to feel it, even if he's not too old to understand fully. I asked Katherine to prepare it already."

You laughed and kissed the boy's head. "You see how much your uncle loves you? We will let you sit a bit longer today than. My big, beautiful boy," saying this you hugged Vali tightly.

Hvitserk continued his play with the dagger while observing you hugging your baby boy.

The feast was a tale of how your people loved Vali.

"Above all, this is a feast of our emotions, of our bonds, with the food and mead as the perfect symbol of these everlasting bonds," Hvitserk said happily as he was sitting right by your side, enjoying the party and keeping his eye on the baby boy.

Raising your horn you laughed. "Let's drink, my friends! Let's drink for my son, and my dear friend, Hvitserk! May Gods bless them with love and happiness that they deserved," you said loudly, and the crowd cheered loudly, agreeing with you.

One of thralls refilled Hvitserk's cup and she just stared at him. "Sir, do you need anything else?"

He caught her glance, and a mischievous grin danced in his lips. "What's your name, sweetheart?"

"Astrid, my lord."

You watched then with a smile. It was a common fact that Hvitserk could charm girls with just one smile.

Suddenly a man walked in, you recognized him as one of your warriors. He walked to you to whisper something into your ear. Frowning softly you nodded. "Hvitserk? Someone is asking to see the Earl. Shall we let him in or just send him away?"

Hvitserk narrowed his brows. "Did we invite anyone from outside? I can't recall it. Today is the feast of your lovely son and this is what she should focus on."

"No, we did not but from what he said the person looks for a safe place to stay and heal wounds," you said, bouncing the boy on your knee.

"Maybe we should let him in, see what he really expects?"

"I'll condone your every decision."

You nodded and looked at the warrior. "Bring the person in. I want two guards with whoever it is, just to be safe."

The man nodded and quickly runoff.

"My friends! We will have an unexpected guest! Let's all see why he is here!," you informed people gathered in the Great Hall. "Astrid, please take my boy to my room. He is sleepy."

When the boy was taken to the safety of your room, you got comfortable in your throne and waited to see who the visitor really was.

Ivar wasn't sure of what he was doing.

He couldn't simply get back to Kattegat, now Bjørn was the king and he would simply cut his head off as soon as he would appear on the horizon.

Those months were hard for him. After miraculously getting back from England on a single boat belonging to traders, he wandered through Norway all by his own, trying to find a safe place.

Unfortunately, due to him being a ruthless ruler before, he had more foes than friends and it wasn't so easy to stay calmly in any place.

He hated the fact he had to show up here, in the settlement ruled by Earl Wolf herself.

Soon, your warrior entered the room with the company of the mysterious visitor. The whole Great Hall went quiet, carefully observing the newcomer. All men were ready to fight if needed.

You stiffened hearing the familiar sound. Crutch, step, step, and then again crutch, step, step.

No, he was dead. It couldn't be him unless the Gods decided to torment you more than they already did.

Clearing your throat you did your best to calm down your nerves. "Who are you? And what do you want? Explain your purpose here."

Hvitserk also stopped whatever he was doing. The sound of crutch was too familiar but his brother was long gone. It just had to be some cripple, seeking a safe place to spend the night.

Ivar, with hood on his head, slowly walked until the guards stopped him in the middle of the chamber. After taking a long breath, he slowly took the hood off, raising his head. "I'm Ivar the Boneless and I came to see Earl Wolf."

Hvitserk jolted up. "Guards!," He raised his tone.

More men walked closer to Ivar, ready to protect the Earl.

"Is this some kind of a joke? Or a magic trick? Curse?," You asked with a frown. "Are you the real Ivar the Boneless? The whole Norway let out a sigh of relief when they heard about his death in England, and now you came here, claiming to be him?"

As much as you wanted it to be a joke or curse, it wasn't. It was Ivar himself, he was here, and he stood right in front of you in your own settlement, asking for a safe place. There were many emotions boiling in you; happiness because he was alive, and anger for all that he did to you in the past. You wanted to hug him but at the same time you wished to see him bleed out all over your ax.

"As much as I would love to be feasting with Odin and Æsirs in Valhalla now, I'm not dead in the slightest," he replied.

You could see a large cut on his right cheek, going almost from his temple down to reach his jaw. One of his eyes was fully red.

You laughed, and got up from your throne to walk closer. "Look at this! You all leave the food and look at this, people! Great Ivar the Boneless, the man who used me and my trust, came here, looking for a safe place to stay like a wounded dog he is!" Pulling out the dagger you always carried for safety, you looked at him, and then pressed the blade to his neck. "For all you did to me, I should slit your throat open, and let you bleed out. Just to free everyone from you," you growled.

"Mama, uncle!" Little boy ran out of the room and immediately hugged Hvitserk's leg, hiding from the stranger.

Hvitserk leaned down and picked the boy up, wrapping arms tightly around the little trembling figure. His eyes never left Ivar’s features.

Ivar smiled simply at your words and wrapped his palm around the blade of your dagger, so hard that soon the blood started dropping to the floor. "Go on. Free me."

"On the other hand, doing this will be too easy," you growled, and took the dagger away. Shaking your head, you walked back to Hvitserk. "I guess the thrall couldn't keep the boy away. What do we do with Ivar now?," You asked before placing a comforting kiss on the little boy's head.

"I have no idea, I am just as shocked as you are," Hvitserk whispered, his glance still locked on Ivar.

"To say that I am shocked is an understatement, my friend," you said with a little frown, and took Vali into your arms. Poor thing was shaking from the whole situation and nerves. "It's okay, Vali. Mother is here, you are safe," you whispered, wrapping your furry cloak around the boy to calm him down.

Of course Ivar spotted the baby in your arms. Boy could have at least up to 3 springs, not more for sure. A cold needle of envy pierced Ivar's heart. You had a family you craved that much.

"Take him to that one empty hut. Take away that cursed crutch, make sure to tie his hands together. His legs won't be a big problem. Bring healer to him so she can have a look at his wound," you ordered, looking right at Ivar while holding the child close to your chest. "Feed him if he is hungry. I want him to be guarded day and night."

"All this for a cripple?," One of your people asked loudly. "Look at him! Wounded, in despair. He won't be able to hurt anyone, my lady."

"We should leave him to die in the forest," one of the women claimed. "My dearest son was killed by his side!"

"I fought by his side! I know what he is capable of, never underestimate him. Crippled or not he can be dangerous," you claimed, pointing at Ivar. "I was betrayed by him but I won't lower myself to his position by using cruelty. Take him away, and do as I said. This is an order."

Most people groaned unhappily at the order but they followed.

Ivar was escorted to the empty hut, located almost in the woods.

You let the feast continue but returned to your bedroom.

There was not much sleep that night.

When Vali was asleep right next to you, wrapped in warm furs, you lied there motionless, thinking. You couldn't believe what actually happened that night. The man that was your lover, father of your child, dead man was here. He was alive. Hate toward Ivar was strong, he hurt you so bad but at the same time, he gave you the little treasure you called your son. Not to mention you somehow missed him.

When the morning came, you left Vali with Astrid and went to visit Ivar.

He was all tied up. Your people took good care to wrap ties around his wrists hard enough that after an hour or two he lost feeling in both of his hands, locked high above his head.

Being completely overwhelmed by pain from all the blows he experienced during the night, he fell in complete oblivion before the dawn, his head rolled down as his chin rested against his chest.

You didn't like what you saw when you entered the hut. This wasn't what you ordered. Of course, you wanted to be sure he won't attack you, your child, or Hvitserk but this was too much. By the look around you could tell the healer was never there as well as the food was never delivered, while the hut was also cold. "Guards!," You yelled and waited at them to join you.

Two of your loyal men approached. "My lady?," One of them asked.

"What happened here? Why is he tied up like this? Beaten up? This place is cold, was healer even here?," You looked at them, crossing arms over your chest. "Did he get anything to eat?"

Men exchanged glances. "No. Healer refused to come here, and people took their retaliation in first and twice as nasty."

"Who do you think you all are to oppose my orders!? I am the Earl!," You snapped at them. "You had to guard him! Not let people use him as an old doll. You can tell anyone who dared to touch him that I will find them and take care of them by myself, you two included." Shaking your head you walked past them before giving them one more look. "I go to the healer to get stuff I need. You two better not touch him until I am back."

As soon as Earl vanished from their sight, guards measured themselves with mean glances.

"You know by yourself what they say, that the boy is his," one of them remained his mate and spat on the floor.

You visited the healer's hut to gather whatever stuff needed to take care of Ivar's injury. Maybe you weren't a real healer but taking the fact you were a warrior, you knew how to take care of the wounds. Soon, you returned to Ivar, making sure guards stayed outside.

The sight of him broke your heart, he hurt you but you never wanted him to suffer like this. "As the Earl I feel ashamed. I am sorry that my people treated you like this," you said, undoing the rope that held his hands. "This was not my order."

As he heard any commotion, he opened his eyes. The last thing he expected was your presence in the same chamber. He was highly aware how broken he had left you before, and to be fair, he was secretly shocked with the fact you even tried to help him, in any way. As you undid the ropes, he fell on the floor with loud hiss escaping his chapped lips. He couldn't support himself due to the fact his hands were curled and cold - it was difficult to obtain sufficient blood flow when his hands were tied too tightly above his head for many long hours.

You sat on the floor, and helped him sit up, resting his back against the wall. "I just hope they didn't damage you more. This wasn't my order, I am furious they did this to you."

Ivar looked directly at you but he remained silent.

You gave him a flat smile, and then cupped his cheek to take a look at the nasty wound on his face. Helping him was wrong, you should let your people do what they wanted for what he did to you but you simply couldn't bring yourself to cruelty. Those stupid feelings didn't let you. You started to gently clean the wound, despite his angry hisses you kept your work on it.

He closed his eyes, struggling with the burning pain on his cheek when you pressed the wet rug soaked with some oils and herbs to the wound. It started bleeding immediately. Ivar clenched his teeth, letting out a loud grunt.

"Did you get anything to eat? Drink?," You asked him, still working on that wound of his. He would live, all that would be left after it would be a scar.

"No," he replied in that particular soft tone of his.

Letting out a deep sigh you shook your head, this was unbelievable. How could your own people not listen to their leader, and simply do what they want with a defenseless man? "Guards!," You yelled and looked over your shoulder as soon as they entered the hut. "Take him, and carry him to the Great Hall."

Men gave you a look. "I'm sorry, my lady, but he is the devil himself. Our people don't want him among us."

You rolled your eyes. "Are you deaf? Earl gave you an order, do it or I will feed you to wolves by myself. I am your leader, I decided about his place. Now shut your mouth, take him, and follow me."

Both men with loud gasps entered the chamber and picked Ivar up, each of them wrapped one of Ivar's arms around their shoulders.

The Great Hall was mostly empty, only Hvitserk and two thralls sat around the fireplace playing with little Vali.

You didn't miss the odd looks they gave you once they noticed you entering the main chamber with two guards that carried Ivar right behind you.

They sat him down on a chair near the big table, after that guards left.

"Astrid? Would you be so kind as to stop trying to get Hvitserk's heart? I need you to prepare something to eat for my guest," you said, giving her a flat smile.

Astrid fazed a little but obeyed your command. "Whatever you say, my lady."

Hvitserk looked above his shoulder, his glance immediately went to Ivar. "We were informed you were dead."

Youngest Ragnarsson scoffed. "You wish."

Hvitserk jolted up, and with few large steps he approached the chair Ivar sat on. "What's wrong with you? Don't expect us to be happy with your sudden resurrection after all you had done to us all."

You took Vali from the other thrall, and ordered her to help Astrid with food.

Boy was more than happy to see his mother, he giggled and nuzzled to your chest.

"Hvitserk is right. You did so much bad that I should simply give you to my people and let them decide what to do with you but I am better than this," you muttered, holding the baby close as you walked closer to older Ragnarsson.

Hvitserk offered you a particular glance of his; his eyebrow cocked high, his lips pressed together so they were just a thin line. He looked at the boy you held in arms and then back at you.

Ivar listened to your words but he remained silent.

Vali watched the stranger with his curious blue eyes. "Ma?," the boy cooed and pointed at Ivar.

You chuckled, looking down at your baby. Of course, curiosity was stronger than fear. "Yes, I know."

Ivar cringed inside. The last thing he needed was to deal with the child. He turned his head around to avoid the piercing glance of those blue eyes. If he felt better, he would simply twist his brother's neck for impregnating you.

You asked one thrall to take the boy away and keep him safe. Vali didn't look happy, looking at you over the woman's shoulder.

When they both were gone, you looked at Ivar. "Ivar, talk to us. What even happened? We got a message from Kattegat that you died in England."

"I partly did," he growled deeply, not bothering himself to look at you or Hvitserk.

His older brother after a moment of silence smashed his fist against the table. "Fuck, Ivar, stop being all offended! And reply to questions! We do not have an entire day, and Y/N has her duties, too!"

"Oh, she for sure has," Ivar mocked. "You have a beautiful son," he claimed out of sudden, his steel blue eyes fixed on your face.

Oh if he only knew.

"I know I do and he needs his mother's attention. I am still the Earl, so your brother is right, I have duties, Ivar," you answered, looking him right in the eyes without any hint of fear.

Ivar let out a sharp breath and rubbed his forehead. He felt highly uncomfortable around you and Hvitserk. "I have nothing more to say. I know that you, my dear brother, would happily dance on my grave, but as you can see, I somehow survived," Ivar snapped, looking directly at Hvitserk.

“Stop it. I fucking moured you, you fucking idiot," Hvitserk grabbed Ivar by collar of his tunica. "I am not a heartless monster like you."

You grabbed Hvitserk's shoulder in an attempt of calming him down. "Hvitserk, calm down, please. We both mourned you, Ivar. You have no idea in what state he was for months because his youngest brother was gone. This shocked him to the core, it was hard for him to return to everyday life."

"This is why he decided to get into your panties?," Ivar replied viciously, a sadness in his tone. "How long did it last? While we were a thing?," Ivar grunted. "I would never think you and he would have a baby together."

Hvitserk laughed. "Unbelievable."

You blinked looking at Ivar with a clear shock and surprise in your eyes. "E-Excuse me..." Did he think the baby was yours and Hvitserk’s? Apparently he did and it was the most ridiculous thing you had ever heard in your entire life. You tried your best to keep a straight face but a short laugh left your lips. "First of all, you said it yourself that we never were together, and second, Vali isn't Hvitserk's child, I never slept with him. He was a wonderful friend and father figure but nothing beyond that."

Ivar now felt stupid for accusing you of sleeping with his brother. "You two seem close. I just thought..."

"Even if we were a thing with Y/N, it would not be any matter of yours," Hvitserk reminded coldly. "So you know, I didn't sleep with her."

"We are close but like I said. He was a wonderful help since we got here but we even have two different rooms. Hvitserk is too busy charming the female half of the settlement," you said, and laughed some more.

Ivar wanted to complain some more but a bowl with soup was placed in front of him by Astrid.

Woman shivered when he threw her a glance.

"Thank you," he replied and started eating.

"Keep an eye on him. Make sure he eats and drinks. Find him some new clothes. Girls will help with the bath," you said, patting Hvitserk's shoulder. "I need to go on training grounds. I can already tell it will be hard, they aren't too happy with our visitor."

Ivar spent another three months on healing his wounds, and he happened to have a lot of those.

People got used to his presence among them, yet they still weren't keen on any interactions with him, which resulted in him lurking alone throughout the paths, being talked about and pointed with fingers and piercing glances.

That particular day he went outside, to sit on a huge meadow, he had to gather all the thoughts that were floating within his mind.

How huge was his surprise when he spotted Astrid with Earl's son. They were picking flowers.

"Your mother will love those. They will nicely decorate your shared room," Astrid hummed picking a flower, and showing it to the little boy what earned her a big smile from him.

Vali himself picked a few flowers, and gently put them in the basket set on the ground.

Astrid shivered feeling someone's eyes on them. She loved such little trips but they were stressful. Earl would go mad if anything happened to her only child. Woman raised her head and looked at Ivar before giving him a little nod as a greeting.

Ivar offered her a nod in reply, and continued observing them from a distance. The boy seemed cute and eager to learn about the world. Ivar sighed; he would want to have a child one day but he knew it was impossible.

Astrid returned to picking the flowers.

Soon, the boy was bored with that activity; the stranger was much more interesting.

At some point Astrid was accosted by some other thrall as they started talking. Before she even noticed, Vali walked away to finally get a closer look at the stranger.

Ivar was busy with playing with the tape of his black tunica. He felt uncomfortable as he felt a piercing glance on his features. He raised head up and noticed the boy standing right in front of him.

Boy watched Ivar carefully, and then decided to sit right next to him. He looked up and smiled. "Hi. Flower," Vali said, showing the flower to Ivar proudly.

Ivar cringed at first but his heart melted instantly when the boy handled the freshly picked up flower to him. Ivar took it gently between his fingers and gave the boy a smile. n"Flower. Do you like flowers?"

Boy nodded with a huge smile on his mouth. "You?," Vali asked, pointing at him.

Ivar was completely taken aback by the question boy dropped. "I like them, too," he replied in his usual soft tone. "Where are you mom?"

Boy blinked few times before pointing at the direction of Great Hall. "There," he said, and his attention went to Ivar's braided hair. "Pretty," Vali giggled, and tried to reach them.

Ivar at first tried to move back; he wasn't used to the children being around him, fascinated by the way he looked. After considering the situation, and taking no one could see him being so vulnerable, he leaned forward and turned head aside. It resulted with his braids to fall loose to the side, so the boy could touch them.

Boy gaped excitedly, and gently took the braids into his hubby hands. "Soft! Pretty!,�� he giggled, and gently pulled on the to see what would happen.

Ivar laughed. "Gently, like you would pet the dog or kitten," he instructed, and tapped the boy's hand softly.

Boy nodded, and started to gently play with his hair. After he was done Vali pulled away from him to find a new point of interest. Soon he got interested in weird things on Ivar's legs.

Ivar wasn't sure what to do. He hated his lower limbs, but the boy was seemingly interested in leg braces and crutch that was leant next to them. "I'm a cripple," he told the boy though he knew he wouldn’t understand a word. "They don't work," Ivar pointed at his legs.

Boy looked at him confused, and gently touched the braces as if he was again touching his hair. "Hurt? Sad?," Vali asked curiously.

You were scared the first moment you saw that Astrid was busy with gossiping, and Vali was gone but you calmed down as you saw him. Vali was interacting with his father, even if the little boy didn't know that. Instead of stepping in, you decided to observe them.

"Sad, hurt," Ivar replied and made a sad face. "Be happy. Your legs are nice. Chubby and wobbly still but you'll grow into a strong man," Ivar ruffled boy's dark hair.

Boy laughed at his action but didn't like the fact that his new friend wasn't happy. Vali was quiet for a moment before kissing braces on Ivar’s legs, and then got up to hug Ivar. Just like his mom always did when he got hurt. "No hurt."

You smiled, biting your lips. This was something you never expected to see.

Ivar paled. His brain stuttered for a moment and his eyes took in more light than expected, every part of him went on pause while his thoughts catched up. Never before had Ivar noticed how time is so much like water; that it can pass slowly, a drop at a time, even freeze, or rush by in a blink. "Thank you, I feel healed," Ivar replied softly and simply put hands on both sides of the boy to pick him up and sat on his lap. "Comfy?"

Boy nuzzled into him, getting comfortable on his lap and nodded with a short yawn. "Yes. Soft."

Ivar let him rest his side against Ivar's chest. He also yawned. "If you want, nap. I'll keep an eye on you."

Vali nodded, closing his eyes.

You decided to get Astrid's attention pointing out that your son is gone. Poor girl freaked out but you quickly calmed her down, and then sent her back to Great Hall with your shield and ax. After that you approached Ivar. "Comfortable you two?," You whispered.

Ivar looked at you and nodded, putting his fingers to lips. "Shhh. You don't want to wake this little warrior up."

"No I don't. He gets fussy," you nodded and sat next to Ivar. "Ivar the Boneless and child. That's something new."

"I know, right?," He whispered and wrapped arm around the boy to shield him from rolling off his lap.

You smiled softly looking at this sweet little sight. "Ivar. Can I ask you something?"

He shrugged slightly. "Yes."

"Do you know that a wolf has one mate? One mate for whole life?,” You whispered, looking at him.

"I do, mother taught me and my brothers about that," he replied. "Why? Do you have wolves threatening the settlement?"

You chuckled and shook your head. "Back in York I picked my mate. Man I wanted to spend my life with. Stay by his side no matter what, and it was you,"

"I remember," he replied and started cringing inside. All he needed was you to recall the relationship you two shared.

"You know that since you made me leave Kattegat, I haven't slept with anyone," you said looking down at Vali that was already sleeping in his arms. "You were and still are the only one that slept with me before Vali was born."

"Bishop called it the virgin birth. So, as I assume, you're holy? Or should be considered like one," Ivar blinked, looking at you.

"Ivar I am not a virgin for years. Vali is your son, I found out I am pregnant two months after my return from Kattegat," you announced with a frown. "No virgin birth, no any other man. Just your seed that filled me for months."

Ivar grimaced. "I'm sorry to break it up to you, sweetheart, but I'm a cripple and I can't have children," he whispered loudly.

"Yeah, and you brothers claimed that before England you couldn't fuck a thrall," you raised your eyebrow. "And there you were. Taking me whenever you wanted, however you wanted."

Ivar was about to complain but he went quiet. You were right; his brothers were repeating that he couldn't ever have possessed a woman, yet he did. Which led to the obvious conclusion he could have impregnated you.

You gave him a little smile. "He is your son. This is Vali Ivarsson, son of famous and fierce Ivar the Boneless."

Ivar wanted to pick the boy up and take a closer look but he didn't have a heart to wake this little bundle of happiness. "You mean it?..."

"I swear on my name, reputation and Gods themselves that I mean it," you nodded. "Since our meeting in York till this day, there was no one else in my bed.”

He nodded and went quiet again. It wasn't the news he ever expected to hear. "I'll be visiting him, if you agree but I want Hvitserk to be his father's role. I don't want him to know about me being his father," he said coldly.

"No, Ivar. I won't agree on this, there is nothing he should be ashamed of," shaking your head, you touched his shoulder. "I want you to be here. With me, and with your son."

"No," he replied and shifted slightly in his place, trying to get as far from your touch as possible. "Look at me. I'm a wreck. I always thought that trust must come before love, yet it is not so, for love and trust can arrive at the same moment. When love is given in this way, immediate, no explanations, the trust arrives too. But I broke both your love and trust years ago by sending you out. I shouldn't have done that but I did, and nothing can explain the decision I made back then. Trusts were broken, lies were told. I used you, I did, just to get thing so elusive and unsustainable that I didn't have a chance to rejoice my position as a king for I won it by rage, not by love of the people." He drew a sharp breath and stared at the boy. "I am a cripple. I won't be able to run with him, to show him how to swim, how to sail, how to hunt, how to be a real man. He deserves a good life, better life than I can provide him."

"Ivar," You whispered, moving closer to him. "Things you say are true. You did a lot of evil, and you already paid for it. Gods brought you back to me. Despite everything that happened, for years I hoped you would come back, and you did. We don't know the ways of Gods, maybe you being here is a sign," you looked at Vali and smiled. "Ivar, he won't care about this. He will need his father, the real one, and I know he'll love you the way you are."

He let out a sigh. "I promise to be a good dad to him. I'll do my best but I am scared of failure."

"You won't fail my love. I will be here as well. He is our son and we both will take care of him, and each other," you assured. "I am more worried he will be ashamed of a mother that isn't as beautiful as all the other women... Because of scars on my face."

"And who says it?," Ivar couldn't help but let out a chuckle, pointing on a large scar on his right cheek.

“What is one scare when it comes to my face Ivar," You rolled your eyes, and looked at him, placing your head on his shoulder. "Ivar?"

"So you're not only one that is scared. And you're beautiful. You should know that." When you placed your head on his shoulder, he froze but soon a smile appeared on his lips. "Mmm?"

"I missed you... In every possible way," you wanted to add more but a tiny voice got your attention.

"Mama," Vali said, raising his arms to you. You giggled, and picked the boy up. Boy yawned and looked at you and Ivar with his big blue eyes.

Only then Ivar believed fully; he recognised his own eyes in those of the boy. "I missed you, too... Mommy," Ivar of course had to get on your nerves.

You pointed at Ivar. "This funny man is your father, Vali."

Boy blinked and looked at Ivar. "Papa?"

He offered a slight nod to the boy. "I am, Vali." His son's name spoke loudly, sounded so strangely in his tone but he smiled. "I am."

"Papa!," Boy said happily, and reached for him. You giggled and returned the boy to his father. Vali grabbed his cheek and patted them gently. "Squishy!”

Ivar couldn't stop himself from grinning widely. "Squishy. But you know what's more squishy?" After these words he poked the boy's side. "This. And this," Ivar added while squeezing the boy's cheek.

Boy laughed loudly, and hugged Ivar as tightly as his little arms let him.

You smiled, filling how tears started to fill your eyes. In the end, Ivar rested his forehead against the boy's, they were touching with noses, too. "I love you," Ragnarsson claimed. "I'll never let anything bad happen to you or your mom..."

"Maybe we should get back to the Great Hall? I am sure Hvitserk is worried about us all," you suggested looking at your boys.

"I wish I could give you a piggyback but it would be hard with me using crutch."

"I think he will prefer a chariot rides once he gets a little older," you said, and picked the boy up before helping Ivar get up.

"Hungry!," Vali said loudly.

Sighing, you looked at Ivar. "I think this runs in the family."

Ivar shrugged, and followed you slowly. Today the pain of his legs was almost unbearable, so it took him longer to walk than usual. "Go, go, I'll catch you at the place," he assured.

You frowned and walked closer to him to cup his cheek. "Ivar... Your eyes... I will get you a healer as soon as we get back inside. Maybe she will be able to help you," with the boy in your arms you decided to slow down to not leave Ivar behind.

He had to stop after some time. Ivar gave you a flat smile. "Please. Go back to the house with him, I'll be right back. Don't worry about me. It's nothing, but he's hungry and I don't want to slow you down. Please?"

"Since you are so sure. We will wait at you," you gave him a sad smile and walked away. Vali looked over your shoulder confused of why Ivar stayed behind.

It took him another several minutes to get at the edge of the meadow. The sight was beautiful; your settlement in its full potential. Ivar stood motionless for a longer moment, considering everything that had happened before. He learnt he was a father, that he had a son, the most beautiful and handsome baby boy he had ever seen. He learnt you still had feelings for him; just as he had. He learnt you had given him another chance. A tear streamed down his scared cheek. Then another one and another. "Odin, I don't deserve all the magnificent things you're blessing me with," he whined quietly. "I prayed for death, not for a new life." When he felt his heart rate returned to normal, he continued his way down the hill.

His legs didn't work properly that day, so it resulted in him falling a few times. Thankfully, he didn't break any bone.

While your thralls tried their best to feed the fussy boy, you stood in the big door. Biting your nail nervously you waited at Ivar. Something was wrong, you could remember the stories Hvitserk told you about Ivar and his eyes. You prayed for him to get back safely.

Soon, Ivar reached the Great Hall. He smiled when he spotted you in the door; apparently you've been waiting for him... "Sorry for being late," he excused himself. "Where's Vali?"

"Girls try to feed him. I think he was also waiting for you," you whispered, and looked over your shoulder. "I wanted to be sure that you got here in one piece."

"So here I am," he faked a perfect smile. "May I?," He asked before he stepped inside.

You nodded. "This is your home now, Ivar. Of course you can."

"Papa!," Vali said happily, seeing Ivar. Just then he started to eat like a good boy.

Ivar looked at the thralls who gave him scared glances. "You're doing a good job, girls, don't mind me sitting close." He took a seat at the chair, slowly and carefully to not hurt himself anymore. He observed his son.

You placed a hand on his shoulder. "Are you sure you are okay, Ivar? I can tell something is wrong." You sent thralls away by waving hand at them, and sat down close to him with the boy on your laps so you can continue to feed him.

"I am sure," he assured and touched his son's cheek. "Be a good boy, listen to your mom. You need to eat to become a strong warrior."

Boy nodded, looking at Ivar.

"And you were worried you'll be a bad father. He already loves you," you whispered into Ivar's ear.

He smiled and blushed a little at a comment.

When Vali was done with his meal, he reached hand towards Ivar so you passed the boy to his father.

Ivar placed the boy on his lap. "Missed me, little warrior?," Ivar asked softly, tapping the boy's cheek.

"Yes! Much much!,” Vali nodded eagerly, nuzzling to Ivar.

"He never was that clingy to any other people, he always prefered me. Even when it comes to Hvitserk," you explained happily that Vali accepted Ivar so easily.

"Don't be surprised. He senses who is his dad after all, I bet. And, come on, we have so much in common, don't we, little one? Both brave. Both love you," Ivar pointed at Earl. "And both handsome. It attracts us to one another."

You couldn't help but laugh, and agree with Ivar. Your son had a father and Ivar was back at your side.

After spending more time with his father, Vali became sleepy so you took him to your room. When you returned, Ivar was sitting in front of a fireplace, looking into flames.

You walked to him and gently kissed his temple before sitting down right next to him. "We are alone for tonight. I am sure he will sleep the whole night. How do you feel, Ivar?”

"I hope he'll sleep calmly," Ivar replied softly and gave you a look. "Thank you for the kiss though..."

You laughed softly. "Ivar, no need to thank me,"

"Of course I need to thank you."

Shaking your head you got comfortable in your seat. "Was I really that bad? So bad you had to send me away? After all promises and our plans?"

"No...," He replied. "I was deluded."

Nodding slowly, you looked at him. "So... You didn't mean the words you said back then. Everything we ever did together, wasn't just your way of making sure I stay and fight for you?"

"You know I love you, and loved you back then... I was deluded... I was told I'm a god which was a lie. I thought I am someone that doesn't need anyone to rule... I grieved."

"It was hard for me too, you have no idea how hard it was," You said and took his hand. "I missed you every day, even if I used to live without you."

"I hated myself for what I've done. I raided England because I hoped for death."

"Then I am really happy death didn't come for you," you squeezed his hand. "Because Gods brought you here, back to me, and to your son."

"I would never say I'll have a child. Such a beautiful son... With such a woman..."

"We never know the ways of Gods, love. Maybe this all had to happen."

Ivar thought for a bit. "Can I kiss you?"

You smiled and got up from your seat to place yourself on his laps, of course making sure to not put too much weight on his legs. Cupping his cheek, you kissed him deeply.

He instantly wrapped arms around your waist, pulling you close and kissing you deeply, humming in enjoyment.

You pulled away, breaking the kiss as you ran out of the air. Your forehead rested against his. "Will you be my husband? I don't want to lose you ever again."

He stopped breathing. He didn't even realize he had been holding breath in. "Did you just...?"

You simply nodded. "I want you to be my husband. To stay here with me and our son. I want us to rule together. I want our family to grow bigger."

Instead replying, he kissed you deeply.

#ivar the boneless #ivar x reader #ivar the boneless x reader #hvitserk x reader #hvitserk #vikings #vikings x reader #reader insert #writers on tumblr #ivar x hvitserk #earl!reader

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svnflowervol666 · 3 years

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Ma Petite Chérie: Christmas Then (Harry Styles x fem!Reader)

Read more from this little universe, Ma Petite Chérie, in my masterlist!

Word Count: 6k

Summary: It’s the happiest time of the year, but it couldn’t be more miserable for Harry and Y/N.

Author’s Note: Reupload because it wasn’t working in the tags! Here is the first of two Christmas bits for Harry, Y/N and Tallulah! I’ve told you all that I planned on writing about Harry and Y/N breaking up early on in their relationship, so I decided to add a little Christmas spirit into the mix in honor of the season. I promise, the next part isn’t this sad. I always feel like I’m not that great at writing angst, mostly because it hurts my heart too much, but I hope I did this story enough justice. Feedback is greatly appreciated, it helps to keep me going and to write things that you guys actually want to read. Any who, enjoy! The next part will be up by the end of the month. Take care and TPWK.

Harry had never thought that a night out with his colleagues would cost him his world. It was supposed to be a celebration of another successful year at his job, nothing more. It was supposed to be dinner, a few rounds of whiskey with his team, and an early night back to the two girls he loved the most who waited impatiently for his return. It wasn’t supposed to be a trip to the club, where the bass in the speakers replaced Harry’s own heartbeat and made his mind temporarily forget where his priorities lied. He thought that he’d only be there long enough to not seem like an uptight asshole that didn’t care to have any fun, but alas. Harry can be quite the pushover, and quickly slipped into that inedbriated state that often persuades you to do things you know you shouldn’t.

Harry had certainly thought wrong.

Y/N, on the other hand, was only supposed to be gone long enough to clear her head. Steam was practically billowing out of her at lightspeed the night this all happened. It would later be referred to as “The-Incident-That-We-Don’t-Speak-About-Because-It’s-Painful-Too-Even-Think-About” in the future, but right now, it consumed her. Every little detail of that night and the argument that followed haunted her like a reoccurring bad dream that she couldn’t shake. The way he smelled like cigarettes from keeping his coworkers company on the club’s smoking patio, the way his eyes were glassy from one (or two) ((or three)) too many shots of tequila, the way he yelled at her. She had assured him that all she needed was time to think, and then she’d be back to talk. At the time, she had told him that she quite frankly didn’t want to even be in the same postal code as him, so she left. All that was in the duffle bag she packed in four minutes flat was her toothbrush, face wash, and enough clothes to get her through the weekend while she cooled off at her friend’s apartment.

She didn’t plan on being gone for sixteen days.

A lot had occurred to her in her time away from Harry. One, was that this was the first time they had fought. Ever. She’d always wondered if her time with Harry would ever stop feeling like a fairytale that only existed in novels and storybooks. Everything about the two of them was picture-perfect from its conception, and had somehow only gotten sweeter as the years had passed. She firmly believed that they weren’t like everybody else, those that put on a charade around others, but were unbearably miserable in private. She had started to think that maybe it was supernatural, the way that they fit together so perfectly that she thought no one else on the planet could make her feel the way Harry does, perfectly complete and peaceful. But it was turning out to be as simple as the age-old saying, life is not always rainbows and butterflies.

Two, was this really what Y/N wanted? She didn’t give it a second thought when it came to Harry having a child, quickly stepping into the role of being someone important in Tallulah’s life. And Harry let her, too. As cautious as he is about who he involves his daughter with, it was almost scary the way he let her in and allowed her to love and care for her. Yes, scary. Scary, because children are permanent and they are hard work and they include making sacrifices that sometimes don’t seem fair. So, Y/N had been asking herself if this was where she saw herself staying, as she had too big of a heart to become such an important character in Tallulah’s life to decide somewhere down the line that she suddenly didn’t want to be tied down anymore. It wasn’t fair to the poor girl, just a measly four years old, to have to go through losing someone that had promised to love her forever. Twice.

Deep down, she knew that this, Harry’s modest yet still lavish home with a pastel yellow door and vegetable garden out back that was often littered with dolls and abandoned sun hats from the cutest little thing that Y/N had ever seen, was where she wanted to be. But this brought her to the third thing she had pondered whilst she rotted on her friend’s uncomfortable sofa at 2 a.m. as she’d waited for her melatonin supplements to enter her system and send her off into a subdued state.

Could she ever forgive him for what he said?

It was just one week before Christmas. Harry texted her at least once everyday, Y/N only replying to the ones when he’d asked her if she was ready to talk, to which she’d tell him that she wasn’t, and that she promised she’d tell him when she was. Part of her stayed away from him for so long because she feared that somehow, deep down, the right thing to do was to stay away forever, and that was certainly going to be the worst day of her life. It would be for the better, Y/N thinks, if that is the case, but she’s trying very hard not to think about that being the endgame for her and Harry. Hence the inner turmoil that’s consuming Y/N’s body whole.

Sarah had promised her that Harry wasn’t coming. They sided with her on this one, she’d said, thus rescinding his invitation to her and Mitch’s annual holiday party. It felt somewhat wrong to be going to see Harry’s friends without him, especially given the fact that they’d more or less been split up for the past two weeks. But as much as they were Harry’s friends, they were also hers too. Harry really knew how to pick the ones he held closest - they were good people. He knows how to chose them because Harry is also a good person and Y/N knows this, and that makes it all the more painful when she pulls into the car park designated for guests of the condominium where Mitch and Sarah lived.

They’d seemed a bit off when they welcomed her into the sizey flat with the small, wrapped gift she’d brought for their exchange, but Y/N dismisses their seemingly rehearsed greetings as pity. Although the last thing she wants is to talk about Harry, she finds their condolences and overall presence soothing. She hadn’t seen much aside from her friend that she’d been staying with and her overweight, powder white cat these days, so human interracton in any capacity was refreshing.

Until it wasn’t.

The longer she stood in the circle of the others that came to the party, mindlessly nodding along to whatever was being said but not actually paying any attention, the longer she was left to sit with her thoughts. She remembers the three other times she’d come to Mitch and Sarah’s for this exact party, and how warm and loved she felt. Right now, all she feels is the cold radiating off of the sliding glass door that she’s leaning on and loneliness. To Y/N, it almost felt like everyone in the room knew what had happened to her and Harry. Like they were trying too hard to be cordial with her because they saw her as the girl that Harry yelled terrible things at and did terrible things too. It was overbearing and she had to get out before she exploded.

Finding aid in the very sliding glass door that chilled her to the bone, she wandered out on the patio to get away from the noise that was so loud yet so quiet at the same time. Tiny snowflakes coated the railing and the outdoor furniture, enough to illuminate her surroundings in an almost purple glow despite the time of night. If Tallulah were here, she’d convince Y/N to catch them on her tongue with her. Any other time, a thought like that would have made her smile, but right now it just made her sad. She wasn’t wearing a coat, yet she couldn’t find herself to care in this moment.

She wanted Harry. She wanted Harry there with her, whispering in her ear that Josie is full of herself and will say anything to get people’s attention and that he thinks they should ditch the party early so they can “warm each other up” at home. Despite the ache in her bones that wished for him, she couldn’t stop thinking about the last time she saw him.

“You’re lying.”

“Wha’ are you talkin’ about, Y/N?” he was swaying back and forth where he stood, clearly too drunk to keep his balance.

He almost sounded annoyed, but it was moreso because she’d interrupted his treck to the bedroom where his warm bed was waiting for him to ail his drunkenness and less because of her prodding.

“Clara was there, Harry. At the club. The one you forgot to tell me you were going to? She saw you. Talking to her. Any of that ring a bell?”

She made sure not to raise her voice in fear of waking up the toddler that had fallen asleep on the sofa waiting for her dad to come home so she could show him the ornaments she’d made with Y/N while he was gone, but he hadn’t come home when he’d promised her. Y/N wasn’t trying to fight, just get some answers. Yet here Harry stood, in their bathroom, lying to her face.

“Okay. So she was there ‘n we talked. We work for the same people. You’re not tellin’ me your mad that I talked t’ her about work, are yeh? Talked t’ her about work at a work party?”

“I’m not stupid, Harry. Stop doing that.”

Harry huffed in annoyance, as if her mere presence was beginning to cause his disdain.

“Then stop actin’ like it was somethin’ that it wasn’t. Swear t’ you. She came up to me, asked how Lulah had been, we talked about work for a second, and that was it. Fuck, even told her about you for christ’s sake.”

“I couldn’t care less that you talked to her, Harry. It’s the fact that you didn’t tell me you’d be out later than you said, went to a club, talked to her, the girl that broke your fucking heart, and I found out from a friend. And when I asked you about it, you lied. Do you see how fucking bad that looks?”

“Why don’t yeh ask Clara what she saw, hmm? Since you’re so keen on taking her word for it. She’s gonna tell you that nothing. Happened. I’m truly sorry I didn’t tell yeh I’d be out late. Didn’t think I’d be gone that long and just got carried away.”

Y/N was fighting tears now. He was talking in circles, unwilling to see her side and acknowledge that he’d done wrong.

“That’s what you’ve been saying for the past month, Harry. You’re always getting carried away with work and leaving me to take care of her. I can’t tell you how many times Tallulah’s asked why you’re always missing dinner and why you don’t go take her to her ice skating lessons or help her wash her hair anymore. She misses you. So do I. And then you go and do this. I know you’re busy this time of year but I also know you’re doing more than you’re being asked of, so don’t pull that shit with me. Would it kill you to come home every now and then and at least eat some pasta with your fucking daughter?”

Harry’s brows were furrowed together, eyes dark and half-shut in what was the beginning of a drunken rage. For a split second, Y/N saw a flicker of sadness within the deep green of his irises, but it disappeared as quickly as it came.

“Yeh say that like she’s a burden. ‘S that it? You’re mad that you have t’ babysit?”

“Harry,” Y/N warned him.

He was treading territory that would be hard to back away from once he took the first step.

“What? If it was that big of a fuckin’ deal, you could have told me that you don’t like keeping after her.”

“Jesus, it’s not!”

She was yelling now, unable to keep her emotions from getting the best of her. She looked after Tallulah like she was the one that had given birth to the four year old that slept peacefully on the couch, cuddling her stuffed elephant in place of her father.

“You know that I love her and that I’d do anything for her, but it’s different when you leave me alone with her all of the time. She needs you, Har. More than she needs me, and you’re acting like your job is more important than her. You have to be there for her, Harry.”

A nasty scoff left Harry’s chest that would haunt Y/N forever. She’d never forget what he said next.

“Right. Thanks for the parenting tip. Last time I checked you weren’t her fucking mu-”

“Yeh gonna freeze t’ death out here, ya know?”

The same voice that plagued her head pulled her out of reliving the events that landed her here, on a snow-covered patio, just as the first of what she knew were going to be many tears rolled down her face.

Y/N whipped her head around, frowning when she realized that Sarah and Mitch had lied to her and that they definitely had invited both of them to the Christmas party.

“Should have known those two were up to something,” was all she replied, quickly swiping the single, stray tear that stung her cheek as it touched the cold air.

“Jesus, you’re shivering. Here,” Harry began shrugging off his coat, ready to offer it to Y/N to keep her from catching pnuemonia.

She hadn’t realized just how cold she was. Her lips felt like they were going to crack at any moment, and she was almost certain it would take upwards of an hour for her to feel her toes again.

“Harry-” Y/N started, her voice sounding soft and defeated.

“Please don’t be stupid, Y/N. You’re gonna get sick.”

He spoke to her in the way that he would Tallulah when she refused to let him brush her hair after a bath, sternly insisting that she’d wake up with painful knots in her head if she didn’t let him run a comb through it. There was something comforting about it, but also something so incredibly sad about it all at the same time.

Reluctantly and without looking him directly in the eyes, she took the long, fur-lined coat from his hands, almost flinching when she accidentally touched pinkies with him. The coat was well-loved, ridden with his scent and most likely permanently stained with a little bit of spit up from when Tallulah was a baby. It smelled like home, Y/N thought.

There was a long pause between them, neither knowing what to say or where to even start. Y/N found herself missing Harry even more now that he was standing right next to her, brawny arms leaning against the frozen railing.

“How’s Lulah?” she asked, able to find her voice amongst the anxiety prodding every inch of her body.

Harry nodded as if to say she was alright, then cleared his throat.

“Good. Misses you.”

He wanted to tell her that he missed her, too. A whole fucking lot. But he was trying to prolong having that conversation in fear that it wouldn’t end the way he’d planned it in his head and she’d walk away from him forever.

“She asks about you every day. ‘Bout when you’re comin’ home. Said she doesn’t like how quiet it is without your music playing in the kitchen.”

She was crying now. Fat, wet, silent tears in the opposite of Harry’s direction so he couldn’t see. She missed hearing Tallulah’s raspy voice asking her question after question about where eggs come from and why anyone would dare take away someone’s babies the way farmers do with mummy chickens.

“I know you’re not ready to talk,” Harry began.

“But do yeh think you could at least come home? It doesn’t feel right without you there.”

Y/N did what she could could manage the tears streaming down her face like a waterfall, hoping Harry would think her face was just cold as she aggressively rubbed her cheeks with her fists.

She was ready to give in, seeing him in person immediately shattering any bit of strength to stay away from him that she had left. Maybe she’d find some clarity if she stopped sleeping on a pull-out sofa that did absolutely nothing for her already-bad back and went back to where she’d lived for over a year with the two people she felt like she’d spent a lifetime loving.

Slowly, her eyes went to meet his. She saw how tired he looked, for lack of a better word. Even though it was dark, the light from the snow accentuated the deep circles under his eyes. His hair looked like it hadnt been washed in days, the way it used to look when Tallulah was a baby that cried at all hours of the night. His posture was, to be quite honest, shittier than it normally was. Y/N knows it hasn’t been that long since she’d been gone, but she could almost swear he looked skinnier than the last time she’d seen him, given that the hollows of his cheeks looked concave and scrawny.

Just as she parted her surely-blue lips, ready to tell him everything she’d wanted to tell him for the past two weeks, the ringing of Harry’s cell phone caused them both to jump.

“Fuck,” Harry muttered under his breath.

“’M sorry. It’s mum. She’s got Lulah. Give me just one second.”

His eyes were pleading, almost like he was silently begging her not to run off if that’s what she was thinking of doing. Y/N’s ears perked up at the mention of his mother. She wondered if she knew about any of this. Surely she did, as Harry tends to confide in her for just about everything.

She was trying not to be nosy, but it appeared that Anne was speaking quite loudly, so it was a bit hard for her not to. She couldn’t make out exactly what she was saying, but she did hear one word. It was clear as day, and she knew immediately that something was wrong.

Raspberries.

Y/N’s head whipped around in Harry’s direction, and she saw the way his face was void of all color and his chest had started to heave.

“That’s never happened before. Did you give her the antihistamine?....What’s she sayin’?....Jesus Christ, mum. You have to calm down. Just go ahead and take her. I’ll meet yeh there. They’ll probably just have t’ give her a shot or somethin’....Mum, it’s alright. You didn’t know. Just get her in the car, please. I’ll be there in twenty.”

Harry clicked his phone off and shoved it in his back pocket, a sense of urgency taking over him.

“I’m so sorry, Y/N. I’ve got t-”

“What happened?”

Y/N was just as worried as Harry was, feeling sick to her stomach that something clearly awful had happened to her.

“Mum’s watching Rosie, too. Lulah got into the bag Gem packed for her and ate somethin’ with raspberries in it. Said her throat feels scratchy, which is-”

“That’s not normal,” Y/N stated, being keenly aware of how Tallulah only ever tends to break out in a slight rash every time she eats the bright pink fruit.

“Yeah,” Harry replied.

“Y/N, I have t’ go. But I really want to talk t’ you. You don’t have t’ say anything back. Just hear me out, yeah? Please don’t disappear on me again.”

She wasn’t listening to him, only worried about the little girl with too many allergies and a keen interest in anything sweet.

“Can I go with you?”

Her voice was quiet, as if she were afraid of Harry telling her that she wasn’t allowed to see his daughter. She knew it was his decision and that she had to respect it, but all she wanted to do was hold her tiny body in her arms and tell her how much she missed her and that she was going to be alright.

Harry stuttered a bit, clearly not expecting her to ask him such a thing. Part of him was happy that she was willingly offering to be near him, but he supposes it’s only got to do with her worry for his daughter.

“I, erm, uh, yeah. Of course. Let’s go. Mum’s taking her t’ the hospital over by her house.”

He ushered her back into the warm apartment and back out the front door towards his car. They couldn’t even be bothered to acknowledge the stares thrown their way.

The car ride was quiet. Harry had left the radio off during his drive to Mitch and Sarah’s, too busy rehearsing what he was going to say to Y/N if she actually let him talk to her. Y/N sat with her knees to her chest, but opted not to turn away from him. That was a good sign, Harry thought. The heat was on, but Y/N was still freezing. She supposes Harry was right about her getting sick.

“Could you drive a little faster?” Y/N asked after some time, fiddling with the cuff of her jeans.

“No,” Harry retorted.

“It’s snowing, Y/N. Don’t need all three of us t’ end up in the hospital.”

She had half the nerve to roll her eyes at him, but she knew he was right.

“Hey,” Harry called out to her.

He started to reach over the center console for her hand out of habit, but felt his heart sink into his stomach when he remembered the state of their relationship and slowly retracted it. He thought she didn’t notice, but she did.

“She’s gonna be fine. Mum said she wasn’t even crying. Probably just needs a few shots t’ make the swelling go down.”

Y/N nodded instead of responding, sinking further into the seat but keeping her eyes on the snowy road ahead of her.

Silence took over again as they trecked through the snow towards Tallulah, with tension so thick it felt suffocating. From the corner of her eye, she saw a pair of Tallulah’s winter gloves tucked into one of the cup holders and she wanted to cry again.

But instead of doing that, she laid her palm face-up on the console, waiting for Harry’s eyes to catch them. When they did, he hesitated, flickering between her hand and her face. She still wasn’t looking directly at him, but he knew she knew he was looking at her.

He tested her first, lying his hand next to hers, but not touching. She didn’t pull her hand away, and he swears when he looked down, he saw her hand inch towards his as if she were coaxing him. Harry thinks this might be the last time he gets to touch her if she decides that she can’t forgive him for what he said, so he goes for it.

He laces his fingers with hers, feeling an overwhelming sense of relief take over his head and his heart when he finally got to feel her skin against his after what felt like centuries. She doesn’t wrap her fingers around his like he did to hers, her hand still lying limp against the arm rest, but he’s okay with that.

It isn’t until they’re pulling into the hospital that Y/N gives Harry’s hand a squeeze.

They were getting there. At least Harry hoped.

Y/N is physically unable to keep herself from smiling when she hears Tallulah practically squeal her name the second she steps into the room she’d been given. Her voice was deeper than usual, most definitely due to the accident that landed her here in the first place. Tallulah all but jumped out of her bed to greet her with a hug, which Y/N accepted without a second thought as she wrapped her arms around the small girl and sat with her on the bed, most likely staining Harry’s coat with the emollient cream they’d coated her rash with at the hospital. As if that coat could take any more beatings.

Harry watched from the corner, feeling somewhat out of place for whatever reason. He knew he owed Y/N an apology for what he said to her that night, and at that moment he felt like he owed Tallulah one, too. How could he say those things to her? How could he let his arrogance get the best of him and ruin the best thing that’s ever happened to him?

Anne briefed him while Tallulah had her mini-reunion with Y/N, letting him know they’d given her a few shots and could go home as soon as the swelling in her throat had gone down. She wouldn’t stop apologizing to Harry for causing her grandbaby harm, but Harry assured her for the twentieth time that accidents happen and that it certainly could have been worse. Anne soon sensed the tension between Harry and who she hoped would be her daughter-in-law one day, and told Harry she’d better get going because she’d left Rosie with the neighbor. Her eyes urged Harry to fix this shit at all costs because she’s the best thing that’s ever happened to him, and Harry was not one to disobey his mother.

“Are you coming home?” Harry heard Tallulah ask Y/N.

He locked eyes with her for a split-second.

“Yeah,” Y/N sighed.

Harry felt his heart jump as he was now paying extra attention to the woman holding his daughter like she was the most precious thing on earth.

“Gotta make sure you get tucked into bed alright.”

And then it sunk.

“Will you be there when I wake up?” Tallulah asked with eerily familiar green eyes peering up at Y/N from her lap.

This time it was her heart that sunk.

“I....don’t know, Lulah. We’ll see,” she whispered, feeling tears pool in her eyes once again.

Y/N hid her face in Tallulah’s hair, for fear that Harry would see her.

“How’s Carrot, hmm? ‘S he doing good?” Y/N blurts out in diversion, hoping Tallulah would be more interested in talking about the fish Y/N had won her at a carnival a few years ago than where she stood with her and Harry.

Tallulah talked her ear off, filling her in on everything she’d missed while she was gone. She tells Y/N that their kale plant in the garden was huge now, seemingly sprouting overnight. She also tells Y/N that Rosie can walk now, or at least can wobble a few steps before falling down on her bum.

Harry watches as Y/N pretends like everything Tallulah is telling her is the most interesting news she’s ever heard. That’s what parents do, and that’s exactly what Harry had shouted at Y/N that she wasn’t. He had fucked up in the worst way and only fate could tell him whether or not he’d be able to fix it.

It was Harry’s turn to cry now, pretending to rub exhaustion out of his eyes rather than tears. Much like earlier when he’d instinctively reached for her hand, he’d hoped she didn’t see it.

She did.

Y/N kept her promise to Tallulah and tucked her into bed after she was discharged and sent home with a steroid pack and rash cream. She willed away the wave of nausea she felt walking into the house she’d shared with Harry after all of this time, telling herself that she just needed to make sure Tallulah knew she was at least there to tuck her in. She took turns with Harry, each of them running their fingers through her curls and telling her to have sweet dreams and that they hoped she felt better in the morning. Tallulah insisted that she was fine and wanted to stay up and talk to Y/N about what she thought Santa was doing right now and if he was going to bring her the glittery nail polish that she’d asked him for, but the sleepiness in her eyes told a different story.

“Do you want me t’ call Sarah and have her take you back to your car?” Harry asked when they returned to the living room where they’d entered.

“Figured we ought to have that talk,” she said, unable to meet his eyes for the umpteenth time that night.

“Yeah,” Harry replied in a tone that almost sounds like relief.

“We can definitely do that.”

The pair find their way to the couch, sitting faced towards each other, but not touching. It’s awkward and it makes Y/N want to fall apart because this is her Harry and she’s in her own home, yet it didn’t quite feel it.

“You hurt my feelings,” is all she says, picking at a loose thread on the sofa.

“I know I did,” Harry began.

“I can’t take any of that back, but I want you t’ know how sorry I am, Y/N. None of that shit was true. I should have told you I was gonna be out late. Shouldn’t have even gone out with them, t’ be honest. I couldn’t even tell yeh why I lied when you asked if I saw her there. Just didn’t want you t’ get the wrong idea, I guess.”

“Harry, I already told you that I didn’t care that you-”

“I know yeh did,” Harry interjected, “But I want you t’ know that I’d never even think about doing something like that t’ you. You’re quite literally the best thing that’s ever happened t’ me. Sometimes I don’t even think you’re real. I wouldn’t have made it without you. Neither would Lulah. And that...”

He pauses, trying not to burst into tears right in front of her. Y/N sees his jaw tensing, something Tallulah does when she’s attempting to calm herself down after throwing a fit. She isn’t sure why, but she begins to feel at ease the longer he talks. Maybe it’s just hearing the sound of his voice after so long or maybe it’s because he’s telling her what she’s been wanting to hear, what she was once afraid that she’d never be able to.

“That shit I said about you not being Lulah’s mum. That’s a load. I know you know that. You are her mum, whether she knows that or not. I’m sure she does... I know she does. You’ve been there for everything. You never complain when it gets hard. Yeh could’ve been doing anything else besides helping my sorry ass take care of her, but you didn’t. ‘M not sure if I’m doin’ a good job of convincing you to stay, wouldn’t blame you if yeh didn’t want to, but I really hope that you do. If you don’t, I still want yeh t’ know that you’re her mum. You’ve done things for her that she doesn’t even realize. She loves you so much, Y/N. And so do I. You’re the love of my life. Always will be. I don’t think there’s anybody else out there that makes me feel the way you do. You’re it for me and I need you t’ know that.”

He’s blubbering now, not caring that she sees the salty streaks subconsciously flowing from his dark and gloomy eyes. He felt it coming. She was going to leave. She was going to finish packing tonight and walk out of his life and he wouldn’t get to spend the rest of his life showing her how much he loved her.

That’s when he feels a hand on his shoulder. It’s light, but it’s meant to be comforting.

“Can it be my turn now?” her voice laced with tears as well.

Clearly it was a night for crying.

Harry nods, because that’s all he can do.

“I was frustrated, that night. I don’t think I should have made as big of deal out of you staying out so la-”

“No. You should have. I was being an ars-”

“Harry,” she pleads, “Let me finish, please.”

He lets out a shaky, “Okay,” and she continues.

“It’s not a big deal when you go out with your friends. You’ve just been so....absent lately and that was what set me off. When Clara called me that night it was just so, embarrassing I guess? I didn’t know what to say to her, and it obviously didn’t look good. But I know you wouldn’t do that to me. You’re a good person and a good dad, Harry. I hope you know that, even if you don’t feel like it right now. And the Lulah thing...that hurt. A lot. I know you’re stubborn and hate admitting that you’re wrong, so I’m going to let that speak for itself, but I’ve never once regretted anything that I’ve done with you two. I knew it would be different being with you, but I’ve never thought of any of this as a sacrifice or a burden. You guys make me so happy. I don’t think you’ll ever understand how much of a privilege this has felt like to me, to be able to watch her grow up and be a part of it. She is the most magical thing that’s ever happened to me. And so are you.”

Harry’s staring at her, still crying, sillhouette lit up by the lights on the Christmas tree behind her that’s decorated with the ornaments she made with his daughter on that dreadful night. He doesn’t want to hurt Lulah’s feelings, but he makes a mental note to throw them away the second he’s able to so he doesn’t have to think about this ever again.

“I love you, Harry. Please don’t ever lie to me again. Even if it’s about how many minutes you are away from the grocery store. I can’t take it. And I can’t stand to feel so far away from you like this. It’s....gross. And I hate it.”

He perks up at what she’s just said, wondering if she’s saying what he thinks she’s saying.

“You’re staying?” he sounds hoarse and both him and Y/N know he’ll wake up in the morning with a headache from how much he’d been crying.

“Don’t think I have it in me to leave, bubs.”

There’s the slightest hint of a smile on her lips, and Harry’s pulling her into his chest. She holds him as he weeps silently into her neck. The cloud of sadness that had held her captive like a nightmare rushed out of her body so quickly that she couldn’t quite process it. All she felt now were Harry’s arms holding her close and his blubbering into her hair about how he was sorry over and over again.

“I know you are,” Y/N cooed, scratching his scalp in the way that she knew calmed him down.

“‘M gonna keep sayin’ it until you believe me,” he whimpered.

“I do believe you, Harry. I promise. We’re gonna be alright.”

That seemed to steady him a bit as he collected himself. He still held her as his shaking breaths began to even out. He wouldn’t dream of letting her go ever again.

“We’re gonna be alright,” Harry repeated to her, his voice almost inaudible had Y/N not been as close to him as she possibly could have been.

She pulls back to brush the stray curls from his forehead, where she pressed her lips gently to his temple as if he was so delicate that he might shatter if she used anymore force.

This time it was Y/N that saw his face surrounded by the multi-colored lights strung around the fir tree they’d picked from the farm just days before they thought their world was ending. He was beautiful, from the crown of his hair to the tips of his toes, inside and out, she thought. Maybe he didn’t feel like it at the moment, but Y/N made a promise to herself that she’d spend the rest of her life proving to him that he was.

#harry styles x reader #harry styles imagine #harry styles fanfiction #harry styles one shot #harry styles angst #harry styles writing #dad!harry #dad!harry styles #dad!harry x reader #dad!harry styles x reader

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yanderebtsstorytime · 3 years

Note

Hi! How would yandere bts react if y/n told them that they don't love y/n enough? Thank you! 🍀🍀🍀

Got you hun ❤️-

•Jin•

He was shocked for a second before he gives a chuckle, “I’m sorry repeat that please,” He says and your face grows angrier, “I said you don’t love me nearly as much as you used to!,” You cry out and he smiles softly moving forward as he envelopes you in his arms, “Baby I promise I love you, and I always will. I fall more in love with you everyday, and I’m not sure how you don’t see it... but I’ll put more effort into making sure you know,” He says as he kisses you softly.

•Yoongi•

“You don’t love me anymore do you!,” You cry out as he stand before you. This whole fight started because you felt he wasn’t home enough, and he disagreed. “What are you talking about (Y/n)!,” He ask. “You don’t love me nearly as much as you used to! Is it me? Is it my fault, is that why you never want to be home!?,” You sob and his once blank expression falls to a sad on as he moves forward and holds you, “No, No! Of course I don’t love you any less, I love you so so much. I... I’m just trying to make up for lost time from when I first brought you here I didn’t think it was upsetting you this much,” He says and you give a shaky breath as you hug him tightly.

“It is,” Is all you say and he nods, “I understand I’ll ask if I can start working from home,” He says as he pulls away a little and kisses your forehead.

•Jhope•

The two of you were laying in bed just talking and the topic of your sour mood popped up and you chose to talk about it. “I just don’t feel like you love me anymore...,” You say quietly as you watch the ceiling. He’s quite for a moment, “And what makes you think that?,” He ask, “I don’t know you’ve just been acting different from usual... you don’t kiss me as often for starters,” You say.

He roles over and leans over you, “Well im here to tell you that I love you. And I’ll keep loving you no matter what, and I know each day my love will grow stronger... you seriously think I’d do all this for someone I didn’t love?,” He ask with a kind smile and you smile back, “I guess not... thanks Hobi,” You say and he nods pulling you close before turning out the light.

•Namjoon•

“I know it’s stupid but... I just feel like... like you don’t love me anymore,” You say quietly as Namjoon stands in front of you, “And whys that?,” He ask, “I’m not sure... I guess I can just feel it,” You say and he gives a sigh.

“I’m a very smart and inpatient man (Y/n), so I’m going to say this once and you’d do well to remember it. I love you with all of my heart, even if I’m harsh on you I do it so you can be the best you. Clear your head of this nonsense about me not loving you, because it makes you more immature then you already are,” He says as he gives a kiss your forehead and you smile. “I understand, thank you,”

It may have been hard for others to understand but you knew what he meant, that being ‘I love you, and I will always love you no matter what. You’re my everything so please don’t think that way, because it hurts to know you do,”

•Jimin•

The 2 of you were crying harshly on the livingroom floor as you spoke, “I-I just fe-feel like you d-don’t love me!,” You sob and he pulls you closer, “Don’t say that please! You’re my life, and I don’t know what I’d do without you!,” He’ll cry, “I love you!,” You’ll cry, “I love you more!,” He’ll cry.

•Taehyung•

You looked so cute standing in front of him with your cheeks flushed and tears running down your face he almost didn’t hear what you said, “You don’t love me anymore I know it!,” You exclaim and he quickly wraps you in his arms as you cry, “No, I do love you. Why would you say such a thing, have the maids been talking?,” He ask and you shake your head.

“I can just feel it, you don’t act the same way with me!,” You sob and he shush you as he holds you closer, “Baby, what are you talking about before I used to keep you here all the time and never let you out of my sight... I thought you wanted some more freedom?,” He ask looking down at you as he wipes your tears away, “NOT IF I DONT GET TO SEE YOU ALL DAY!,” You sob and he smiles pulling you closer, “Okay, okay I’ll be sure to make some changes I promise,”

•Jungkook•

“Do you still love me?,”, “What?,” Jungkook ask putting his fork down, “Do you still love me?,” You ask as you make eye contact with him, “Where is this coming from?,”, “I just.... want to be sure your feelings haven’t changed,”, “Trust me baby if they did you’d be the first to know, because if I didn’t I couldn’t just let you go and have you run your mouth... I’d kill you and hide your body away,” He says and you nod giving a smile, “Okay... just making sure. How’s dinner?,” You ask.

•MasterList•

Hope this is what you meant sorry if it isn’t!!

#bts fanfic #bts army #bts x reader #bts x y/n #bts x you #btsyandere #bts yandere #yandere bts #yandere bts reactions #yandere bts x reader #bts #bts imagines #yandere

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ateezinmymind · 3 years

Text

The Answer

Mingi x reader

Angst, fluff ending

tw: mentions and views of self harm, depressive symptoms, long distance relationship, foul language, hospitalization, overdose, kinda cliche — please don’t read if sensitive <3 stay safe

~hopelessly holding on for life, he was the answer

>My dear Mingi, I’m sorry it’s been so long... some things are going on. I don’t want to scare you, I miss and love you so much. I’m waiting.. waiting for you to come home to me. I’m falling out of control, I don’t know what’s to come, but I will fight hard for you... to see you, hopefully soon<

Folding the letter back into its envelope, Mingi looks out the window. Watching the waves crash against the rocks and spray the air with mist, the gray sky do no part in comfort. Sighing out with exhaustion he stands up from his creaking chair, away from the stack of letters sent in from you. It’s been two months since you’ve last seen each other. Two months and he hasn’t felt you. Two months that you’ve been alone and crumbling.

The struggles you’re going through he reads, affected him as well. Looking back to his littered desk, he walks back to reread one particular letter sent 2 weeks ago.

>Mingi, I’m sorry, I messed up bad. Do you remember when I talked about staying safe? I’m so sorry. Mingi please forgive me. I’ll do better. Please don’t leave me, I’ll fix it. Please just don’t hate me. I miss you, I can’t help myself. What I feel is getting worse and worse. I miss you more everyday, and I can’t help but feel I’m making you drift further away from me...I love you<

Wiping his face of warm tears, Mingi slams his fists into the desk. “Fucking hell y/n, why” buckling to the floor he sobs out in agony. He needed you to hang on for just a little longer, just a little more and he’d get you. Blaming himself for the fact you’re hurting made him feel broken..why did you do this. Why did you think he was going to leave? Never had he thought of running away from this. He loved you then and loves you still..but he can’t do anything to save you.

———

It’s so gray, the sky. The roses Mingi gave you the last day you saw him, are now all dried up and falling apart from the touch. Getting off the bed, making your way into the bathroom turning on the luminescent light bringing a stare to yourself. Putting your arm down, you wince in discomfort. The tears pricking your eyes before now threaten to leave their hiding.

Using one arm you pull off your shirt, up and over your head, bringing your gaze to the littered scars on your skin. “What the fuck have I done…” crying out loud, you look away from the mirror and down to your arm. Droplets of tears falling onto the flesh. You were hopelessly holding on, pretending this would bring him back sooner.

Turning on the shower, you sit on the toilet seat waiting for it to warm up. Was Mingi going to come back to you? Is what he writes in his letters what he really feels? Is this all a joke? Pulling yourself up you get rid of your bottoms and get in the water. Hoping all this would wash away

———

Mingi thought sending letters to each other would be better for you..to be a way to distract you from the negative aspects you might be troubled from. Things always went downhill when he had to go, no matter how hard you both tried it just happened. But by far this is the furthest you’ve gone. The furthest you’ve done to try and bring him back sooner. Mingi was breaking himself over it..

The meer fact you needed him for happiness, made him feel drained. His health became worse and worse as yours did..meals tasted like a flavorless paste, he couldn’t focus on his work. He was sleeping less and less, thinking on and on of what you’ll do next. And how bad it’ll be, praying you weren’t going to do something terribly stupid and regretful.

During your nights, waking up with urges for a distraction either ended with pain coursing through your arms or pain through words to send away. Writing the letters, the letters full of darkness that was overwhelming at times did nothing but worsen your feelings. Maybe it was rereading your sick words, making you feel more helpless and weak. Why would Mingi even want to stay with you, why would anyone love someone who was losing themselves? You couldn’t help but ponder the hope for help..was this capable of healing?

———

~4 months~

>My love, y/n..I’m writing this letter to you with my heart. I understand you haven’t written me back in awhile, I’m praying you’re feeling well. Things have been rocky over here, but I see the end. Y/n, the end of this is coming, happiness is coming. There’s been talk around, and it’s a possibility that I’ll be able to move back. Isn’t that wonderful?! I miss you very much. My favorite flower, you are the love of my life. Sending these with this letter to give you a reminder for the times you aren’t able to realize your worth. Please take care..I’ll see you soon<

Mingi had sent that 3 weeks ago and things were numb..you couldn’t find the strength to write him back. Pulling the jewelry out of the envelope, the rose charm dangling with its ruby glow, you fall into your bed holding it close to your heart. “Why is love so hard?” Closing your eyes, hoping to release this exhaustion just for awhile..head pounding you can’t find a break. Opening your eyes, your body beams straight to your bathroom..controlling itself you reach for the prescribed medication sent in by someone you don’t even remember. You don’t remember who they were, you were forgetting who you were. Nothing felt right, waves kept crashing into you..but there was no help from drowning. And the next thing you knew the tide washes it’s darkness over you.

———

“Y/n I think you are being silly, I love you more..there’s actually no way you can have love more than mine”

“You are the silly one to say such things, you know it too Mingi.. everyone knows it, my love for you is indescribable”

Scoffing out in disagreement, the both of you lean into each other’s embrace. Mingi wrapping his arms around your frame, fills you with warmth and safety. You have him, Mingi, he’s yours. Here. Now. Don’t waste it.

Then just outside the window, the crashing waves rise once again..and you remember, Mingi isn’t with you.. none of this is real. Was his love even real? Did you make it all up for a distraction? It’s too late. The ocean crashes through the window and fills the room with it’s cold water. Knocking you down, screaming, squirming, you kick for air. Clutching your neck, scratching for the feeling of the wind to fill your lungs—

———

“Y/n!!”

Jerking awake, eyes dart around the white ceiling tiles. The smell of sanitation and the sound of beeping fill you with stress. What happened? So many questions race your mind..but are all driven away when a squeeze comes to your hand.

“Y/n??”

Looking forward, it’s Mingi..he’s here. With you. Not sure what happened, not sure if this is even real. Tears streaming down his face erupt your own. “Y/n, I thought I lost you..” choking out Mingi throws himself into you. Shaking your frame with his involuntary sobs, everything is moving so fast. All slows when you wrap around him. Time stops, right here, right now all is okay. You’re okay, you’re going to be okay. Mingi is here. Now you know the truth, anything could happen. But you know it’s going to be okay.

“Y/n you scared me so much..w-when I saw you.. I thought you were gone. I thought you weren’t coming back to m-me” releasing you, he looks at you with his tired, puffy and red eyes.

“You look terrible”

Apart from your croaking voice, you bring a smile upon your wet face. Making Mingi burst out in a crying laugh

“You’re back”

———

Holding each other’s hands, opening the front door to your apartment you see everything is cleaned. Different from what you thought before, when Mingi turned on the light, it wasn’t as aggressive as you remembered. Entering the room, the smell of line-dried linens with hints of fresh fruit and spring fill your nose. It’s comforting, this is the comfort of your home..why didn’t you realize it before?

You’ve been so hidden away in your own mind, that the blessings around you weren’t meeting you. How come Mingi brought this all back? How come you only realized this when he’s here?

“I brought you fresh roses y/n, but this time there here because I’m staying. I won’t be leaving again” wrapping his arms around your body, you melt into his chest. “I promise”

Standing there in each other’s embrace you break the silence, “Mingi, do you think I’m a freak?” Breaking away, you look into his eyes. His expression confused and shocked, lifting his hands to cup your face Mingi leans in and places his forehead to yours. “Y/n” seeing the corners of his mouth twitch and his bottom lip wobble, you close your eyes and bring your hands over his. “I would never think of you as something that you’re not even capable of being.” Feeling his lips land on yours, so soft, like a pillow, comforting and right. Kissing him back, you two dance with love.

“You aren’t a freak” letting go of your face and reaching down to your arms. Pulling your sleeves up, feeling the rigid bumps over your skin. He soothingly rubs his thumbs over the marks and kisses you again. “You’re so strong, and you just were in need of direction” folding your sleeves back down he continues, “you were just a bit lost, but it’s okay...because you found the answer y/n...and there’s no need for your pain any longer”

Pulling you towards your bedroom, he picks you up and lays you on the bed. “I’m with you forever...my love, there will be no more worry”

———

He needed to remind you every time available, that you were his life. If you were gone, so was he. Mingi didn’t ever want to think about you laying there lifeless on the bathroom tiles again, his heart stopped..

He was your answer, but you were his life. You were the oxygen he breathed.

You two were meant to be each other’s source of completion.. and together you two knew things would be okay..

#ateez #ateez mingi #ateez angst #ateez blurbs #ateez fic #ateez drabbles #ateez fanfic #ateez imagines #mingi ateez #ateez fluff #mingi #song mingi #kpop writing #ateez writing #kpop angst #ateez reactions #angst

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sunshine-stars · 3 years

Text

Deja vu

Flynn remembers some of her happy memories with Carrie. Then they see her Instagram posts with Kayla doing the same things.

Inspired by Deja vu by Olivia Rodrigo

Word count: 2707

Car rides to Malibu

“We’re going to Malibu? That’s awesome!” Julie exclaimes.

Carrie laughs a little. “Yeah, my Dad has to meet with some business people there and didn’t want to leave me alone so he invited you guys too.”

Flynn’s over the moon. They’ve been to Malibu a few times, most of them with Carrie and Julie, and it’s always so much fun. It’s about an hour one way and it means that they have a little road trip, which is always more than a little chaotic.

“You know I’m in,” Flynn answers, smiling. Julie agrees and they make plans to go the next day, after asking both of their parents.

“You’re stealing all of the sour keys! How dare you?” Flynn yells at Carrie. She knows that they’re her favourites and she’s eating them all, the traitor.

Carrie huffs. “Only because you’ve already eaten half of them and I want some too!” Her lips are slightly stained green and Flynn can’t help but look at them. They’re probably so soft.

“You’re just lucky that the green one’s aren’t as good as the orange one’s, or else I’d have to kill you,” Flynn replies after a beat too long.

Julie takes a sour key and between bites says, “You’re both wrong, the purple one’s are the best.”

“Of course you think so little miss purple,” Carrie teases.

Julie gasps. “Hey! Flynn’s the shortest, not me!”

“How did we get back to this?!” Flynn groans. “Weren’t we just talking about how Carrie’s a thief?”

“I am not! You’re the hoarder, you made me take them. Besides you being the shortest is so cute and fun.” Carrie raises an eyebrow with an evil little smile.

She’s obviously trying to get on Flynn’s nerves, and she’s succeeding, but why does Flynn’s heart speed up when she calls them cute? Why does her mind go blank for a second as they feel very happy?

She shakes her head a little to steady themself. “You do realize that you’re stuck in a metal box with me, right? Where I could kill you and no one would know. So I suggest you shut your mouth before I make you.”

Carrie coughs a little as her face goes slightly pink. Julie’s just looking knowingly at both of them. What just happened?

Carrie’s Dad turns around in his seat to look exasperatedly at them, though there’s a little smile on his face. “Settle down kiddos. Flynn please don’t kill my daughter, I love her. Carrie please don’t try to aggravate Flynn. Also why can’t you all just share the sour keys? You all like different flavours.”

“Because once Flynn finishes all of the orange one’s she eats all of mine and Carrie’s,” Julie responds like something weird didn’t just happen.

“It’s not my fault that there’s always less orange one’s! It’s not fair! Why aren’t you also telling off Julie she participated in this?” Flynn frustratedly and loudly says.

Carrie’s Dad sighs. “Julie wasn’t yelling and trying to annoy you two. Why do you and Care bear always get into silly arguments?”

Julie mumbles something that sounds suspiciously like, “It’s because these two idiots are in love with each other and won’t admit it.”

Flynn glares at her, but she just flashes her perfect little angel smile. Julie’s so sweet that no one expects her to be a little devil, it’s stupid.

Flynn suddenly realizes that Carrie has been very quiet. They turn to look at her and she gasps. There’s only one sour key left… and it’s an orange one.

“Bubblegum, Pinky Pie, Sappho, lollipop, sweetheart, love of my life can I please please have the last sour key?” Flynn quickly rambles.

They just have to get the last one and she’s not above begging for it. So what if her begging includes calling people sweet pet names to bribe them, and so what if they do it more with Carrie? It doesn’t mean anything. It’s just a coincidence, right?

Carrie looks down and avoids their eyes, her cheeks turning even redder than before. Is she okay? Why has she been acting strange? Flynn has no idea, but they hope for the best.

“Well since you asked so nicely, soda pop.” Carrie hands her the sour key. If Flynn didn’t know any better they’d say she was flustered, but that can’t be right.

Flynn flashes Carrie a wide smile as they start to eat the delicious treat.

Strawberry ice cream, one spoon for two

“You said you didn’t want any ice cream.” Carrie crosses her arms and glares at Flynn.

“That was before I saw how good it looks, and I love strawberry. It’s like the best flavour and it reminds me of you.”

Julie sighs and looks at them disapprovingly, but also slightly amused. “Flynn honey, you said you didn’t want any because your stomach hurt from all those sour keys. Ice cream will only make it a lot worse.”

“I’m feeling better now,” Flynn argues. “Besides now that I want it it’s all that I’ll be thinking about. Do you really want me to be constantly thinking about and bugging you for ice cream? I have seven sodas all the time. It's fine.”

Flynn may have a massive sweet tooth, but how can she not when it tastes so good.

“That’s not healthy and I still don’t like it,” Julie scolds.

Flynn just shrugs in response. “Okay, mom.”

Julie throws her hands up in the air and Flynn turns back to Carrie with pleading eyes.

Carrie just sighs and passes it over. “You’re lucky I like you, babe.”

“I know, sweetie.” Flynn thanks the universe for it everyday. They have no idea where they’d be without Carrie, and frankly, they don’t want to know.

Flynn ignores the fluttering in her chest as they take a bite of the strawberry ice cream and almost moans. The cold sweet fruity taste is so refreshing on this warm day.

It’s a shame she has to share it with Carrie, they want it all to themselves. The thing is that Flynn would do anything for Carrie. Sharing ice cream with her is the least they can do for this truly amazing girl who somehow loves her.

And trading jackets

Carrie wraps her arms around herself. “This ice cream is making me cold.”

Well that’s not allowed. Carrie is this warm ray of sunshine in Flynn’s life and she’s just not allowed to be cold. Not when Flynn’s wearing a perfectly good jacket.

“Here take mine.” Flynn passes it to her with a smile.

It’s their jean jacket that has a bunch of patches and embroidery that Flynn either bought or made. There are lesbian and nonbinary flags that they all put on together after she came out, along with a hundred other things that all have a special meaning. It’s precious to her. If it were anyone else they’d be hesitant about letting someone wear it, but it’s Carrie, it’s a no brainer.

Carrie looks up at them, rubbing the fabric between her fingers. “Are you sure?” She has a hesitant and caring look on her face. She knows just how much Flynn loves the jacket.

“Of course, Sappho.”

Carrie smiles softly as she puts the jacket on. Flynn has to catch her breath. She’s wearing their jacket and she almost explodes.

For a second Flynn wishes that they were dating. That she was giving their girlfriend her favourite jacket. That she could wrap her arms around Carrie, kiss her perfect lips, and ramble about how gorgeous she looks and how her wearing their jacket makes her feel so happy. It’d be something out of one of those cheesy rom coms that they watch to make fun of, but secretly like.

Flynn’s daydream is interrupted by Julie’s laugh.

Laughin’ ‘bout how small it looks on you

“It’s so small on you,” Julie says between giggles.

Flynn looks at it again and sure enough it’s too small for Carrie. They’ve had it a couple years so it’s a little small on Flynn, but it’s too sentimental to throw out and it still fits. On Carrie the sleeves come up a bit too much above her wrists and she can’t really button it up.

It should be something for Flynn to laugh at like Julie, but it almost adds to the charm of Carrie wearing their jacket. The imperfections make it real. Besides, perfection never lasts. Robert Frost said “Nothing gold can stay,” but this isn’t gold. It’s as precious as it, but maybe, just maybe, this can last. This moment, their friendship, hopefully it can stay.

Watching reruns of Glee

“Seriously? Why is Rachel always in the spotlight? The rest of them have good voices too,” Flynn complains. Their legs are thrown over Carrie’s lap as they watch a random episode of Glee

Carrie scoffs. “I have no idea. I’m passionate about being a singer, but I’m not that self absorbed. You don’t always need to be the lead.” She leans back on the couch more. “Besides, I can sing better than her.”

Bein’ annoying

“Not self absorbed, huh?” Flynn teases.

They know that Carrie has an absolutely angelic voice that they’re constantly in awe of. She can definitely sing better than Rachel and she’d fight anyone who disagrees. It’s just that teasing Carrie is so much fun. Basically half of their relationship is bickering with each other. Julie says they act like a married couple, but she always sees stuff that isn’t there.

“Shut up.” Carrie moves Flynn’s leg off of her.

Flynn gasps and looks at Carrie with a horrified expression. “How dare you?! Do you not love me anymore?! Betrayal of the highest order! Dishonour! Dishonour on your whole family! Dishonour on you! Dishonour on your cow! I can’t even look at you right now. My heart… it hurts.” They dramatically turn away from her and sigh, acting hurt.

Flynn doesn’t even have to look at Carrie to know that she’s looking at them with an exasperated expression on her pretty face. After a minute she feels a body lay on top of them.

“Can you please stop being such a drama queen? Of course I love you, you idiot,” Carrie says quietly into their ear.

At that moment Flynn realizes just how close Carrie is to her. She’s pressed up against them and her face is literally a breath away from theirs. She has to fight not to get flustered at the fact that this gorgeous girl is oh so close to them and how they are so aware of her every little movement.

Flynn swallows. “Says you, and what happened to babe?” It’s the best thing she can come up with at the moment.

“You’re still the love of my life, soda pop, but when you’re being a bit of an idiot I’m gonna call you an idiot. It’s how it works hun.”

Carrie can’t just say that. Especially not when she’s this close to Flynn who feels like they’re going to combust. It’s just not fair how she doesn’t have a single coherent thought in their mind. Her brain cells have decided to go on vacation to leave her speechless, which they very rarely are.

Flynn doesn’t even bother to wittily respond, partially because she can’t, so they just half watch the episode of Glee that’s still playing and enjoys the moment.

Singin’ in harmony

“For the last time bubblegum, I can rap, but I can’t sing.”

“Come on, at least try. You can’t possibly be as bad as you think,” Carrie pleads as the sun sets around them, painting the world a soft pink.

Carrie looks breathtaking in this glow against the pink sky. Pink has always been her colour. The shade doesn’t even matter, anytime she wears pink Flynn just has to do a double take. Not that she doesn’t look incredible in everything else, pink just kind of enhances it even more.

“You’ve heard me sing, pinky. Don’t act like you haven’t. You know it’s terrible.” Flynn walks slightly faster. If they keep looking at Carrie against the beautiful sky she’d do anything she asks.

Carrie puts a hand on their shoulder, making them stop for a moment. “Yeah, but I can’t remember the last time I heard you sing that wasn’t just singing terribly on purpose to random songs on the radio. Please, I promise I won’t make fun of you.” She just looks so genuine as she says those soft words. It’s enough to make Flynn fall head over heels for her once more, but really, she does that every second they’re with her.

“Maybe later. We’ll try to sing in harmony together.” Flynn takes Carrie’s hand. “Let’s go watch the sunset by the ocean.

Carrie smiles widely and Flynn automatically does the same

I bet she’s bragging to all her friends , sayin’ how you’re so unique

Unfortunately, Flynn never got the chance to sing in harmony with Carrie.

Flynn told herself she wouldn’t look at Carrie’s Instagram, but they just couldn’t help it. She misses her so much and it’s better than nothing, right? Plus Carrie hasn’t blocked them, and Flynn hasn’t either.

There’s a picture of Carrie and Kayla in Carrie’s Dad’s car. They’re both smiling and looking at the camera and eating some kind of snack, but Flynn can’t quite tell what. The caption says that they’re on a road trip to Malibu.

The next post shows Carrie and Kayla sharing strawberry ice cream at an ice cream shop in Malibu, there’s only one spoon. Carrie is wearing Kayla’s beautiful trademark purple jacket.

A picture of them watching an episode of Glee, both sprawled out on the couch together. They’re smiling widely and just look so happy.

Then a post of the two of them posing at sunset, the sky a soft pink that makes Carrie look angelic.

So when you gonna tell her that we did that too?

Carrie did all that with Flynn. They carry the memories so close to her heart. They mean so much to them. They’re a reminder of how it was before, when it was good, when they were all happy.

Now she’s doing all that with someone else. Flynn’s not jealous, but they don’t understand how Carrie’s able to do all of this. Flynn can barely think of road trips, strawberry ice cream, her favourite jean jacket, watching glee, and pink sunsets without being overwhelmed with her feelings and memories of Carrie.

She thinks it’s special, but it’s all reused

Flynn can’t help but wonder if Carrie does all of these things with her friends. She’s obviously allowed to, but Flynn kind of thought she was special. They thought that maybe there was something else there. That maybe their feelings weren’t completely one sided, but that doesn’t matter anymore.

That was our place, I found it first

They both found that ice cream place in Malibu with Julie. It became a tradition to go there every time they went on a road trip there with Carrie’s Dad. It was important to them.

That post hurts slightly more than the rest. Flynn saw that place the first time they went to Malibu and dragged them all in. They wish she could go there again with Carrie, but that’ll never happen. Not after… everything.

I made the jokes you tell to her when she’s with you

Do you get deja vu when she’s with you?

Carrie has to get deja vu when she’s with Kayla, right? She can’t have just forgotten everything they’ve done together. Their entire friendship.

They were as close as could be for years, and now they’re nothing. The girl she knew and loved isn’t quite there anymore. Now she’s been replaced by mean comments and rude looks. Flynn hopes that they can get back to where they were, but it’s not likely.

Do you get deja vu?

Flynn gets deja vu when looking at her posts. She gets a sudden wave of nostalgia and wants to look through her closet to see her favourite jacket and all of their clothes that are connected to memories of Carrie.

Their friendship was as precious as gold, but just like in the poem, it didn’t stay.

Taglist: (send an ask to be added) @lyxchen @sunnysbright

#jatp #julie and the phantoms #jatp fanfic #flarrie #Flynn jatp #Flynn nolastname #flynn flynnigan #Carrie jatp #Carrie wilson

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sugarandsoft · 4 years

Text

White Noise | K. Bakugo

summary: bakugo buys a white-noise machine to help him sleep. what he doesn’t realize, however, is that it brings you painful memories.

tw: past abuse is mentioned, reader has a panic attack?

pairing: prohero! bakugo x reader

word count: 1.3k

Bakugo didn’t think it would be a problem for him to buy a white-noise machine to help him sleep at night. Being a pro hero was a stressful job, and his loud quirk added on to the chaos he experienced every day. When he asked you if it was okay to buy it, you had smiled and nodded. Inside your mind, however, Bakugo’s request brought back all the painful memories of your previous boyfriend, a total douche who had trapped you in a relationship for two years before your other friends realized you were being abused.

Of course, you and Bakugo had discussed your past early on in your relationship. You had no doubt that he would never treat you like anything less than royalty. As fierce and rude as his personality appeared on the outside, you knew your Katsuki to be a passionate, ambitious man who loved deeply and truly. Even though he pretended to be nonchalant about your relationship, he never forgot about dates, made breakfast for the two of you everyday, and remembered all of your likes and dislikes. Bakugo was the perfect boyfriend - one that any person could only dream of.

You didn’t want to seem like a burden to him. Katsuki worked so hard and put up with a lot of things just for you, so why should you get in the way of his sleeping schedule and relaxation? It wasn’t fair to him, you thought. So the first few nights after the wretched machine was placed in your room, Bakugo slept soundlessly, not knowing his precious lover was fighting back tears, a pillow muffling any sounds you could possibly make.

But you couldn’t keep it up for the whole week. After three days with little to no sleep, Katsuki started noticing dark bags under your eyes and how you always seemed to be slumped over when you sat down. “Hey, have you been sleeping okay?” he asked you gruffly during breakfast. You almost dropped your chopsticks.

“Y-yeah, I’ve been sleeping norma-”

Katsuki cut you off. “Cut the crap, dummy, do you think I’m blind? Tell me why you look so tired.”

“Um,” What do I say? you thought. I don’t want him to know it’s the white noise machine. You frowned. “I’ve just been… stressed about some paperwork with the agency, that’s all. I-It’s okay, though! I have a later shift today, so I can relax a bit this morning.”

Your boyfriend stared into your eyes, for a few seconds, unblinking, as if trying to dissect you under his gaze. Then he sighed.

“Alright,” he said. Katsuki got up and took both of your plates to the sink. Before he left the room, he flicked your forehead. “None of those stupid extras are worth getting you all bothered, okay? If it’s too much, I can take care of it for you.”

You smiled. “Aww, thanks babe! You’re so sweet.” His worried look quickly shifted into a scowl.

“Tch, what?”

“You’re just the best boyfriend ever!”

“Shut up, dummy!”

You knew he was all talk, though. “My cute, blasty baby,” you gave him a quick kiss on the lips, short but hard. When you pulled away, Bakugo’s eyes were wide, cheeks furiously red. Got him.

“Want another one, Kaachan~?”

“No! I-I’m out of here!” Sometimes you forgot how flustered he could get. He grabbed his work bag and went to the door. You got up to follow him and see him off. Once the door had shut, you trudged over to the couch and slumped into it. How were you going to sleep now?

____________

Now, Katsuki Bakugo was many things. Short-tempered, unapologetic, strong. But unobservant was not a word in his vocabulary. Did you really think he wouldn’t notice how you hesitated to answer his question over breakfast? Or the way you quickly put on a mask and tried to distract him with affection? He blushed slightly at the memory, but he shook it off. No. Katsuki Bakugo knew something was up. And he knew he had to find out why you looked so damn tired.

That night, he brought home your favorite take-out. You didn’t question it, and the two of you had a great dinner. Katsuki didn’t talk too much, just arrogantly said stuff like how he beat up more villains than Deku and how he could probably “make this stupid food a hundred times better himself”. The usual banter, of course.

Then he drew up a bath and the two of you went in together. You washed each other’s hair gently, and by the time he was done drying your hair off, you were fast asleep, dozed off against his chest. Bakugo scooped you up into his arms and tucked you into bed. After that, he unashamedly logged onto your computer to check how much work you had left to do.

As he suspected, you hadn’t had any new paperwork since two days ago, and you had finished it all yesterday. Now he knew something was up. Bakugo joined you in bed and decided to confront you the next morning. After all, you were already sleeping, and he didn’t want to wake you up when you had been looking so tired lately.

When you woke up, it was still dark inside of your room. When had you fallen asleep? Before you could gather your bearings, you heard it. The horrifying noise of the white machine. And then that noise was swallowing you up, drowning out everything around you. Someone help, you thought. It felt like you couldn’t breathe, as if all the air had been sucked out of your lungs and replaced with thick, heavy oil that was choking you. You curled into yourself, hugging your legs to your chest. You are not with your ex right now, you tried to tell yourself. Katsuki is right here next to me. Katsuki wouldn’t - he would never -

Katsuki woke up to the feeling of something, or rather someone, shaking next to him. He turned over in bed, and his eyes widened at the sight of you in a fetal position, clutching a pillow as if your life depended on it. You were muttering something under your breath between short wheezes, unable to catch your breath. He leaned closer to hear what you were saying.

“K-Katsuki wouldn’t h-hurt me… wouldn’t hurt …. Katsuki w-wouldn’t..”

“Hey, what’s wrong?” He asked. “[Name]?” he said it more firmly. But it didn’t reach your ears. All you could focus on was trying to breathe, trying to get the images out of your head. It felt hopeless. The only thing you could see was that man, his arms beating down on your body. The white noise was like a roar in the background, drowning out your cries for helping.

Suddenly, you heard a voice. “[Name].” Katsuki? For a moment, your panic faltered. “[Name], can you hear me?” You realized that his hands were on your shoulders, and you used his voice to grasp back into reality. Bakugo was leaning over you, eyes wide with worry.

“I-I can’t--” you tried to speak.

“It’s okay,” he looked visibly relieved that you were at least coherent. “Listen to my voice, okay?” You nodded. “I’m going to count. Take some deep breaths with me.”

“One-” inhale.

“Two-” exhale.

By the time Bakugo reached ten, you were much more calm. He was now holding you to his chest, rubbing your back as you silently sobbed.

“I’m sorry,” you hiccuped..

“It’s not your fault,” he whispered back to you. “I should’ve known better. I should’ve realized that the white noise was bad for you…” his voice trailed off.

“Please, just hold me, Katsuki,” you said. Bakugo complied, and he set you down on the bed so that he was spooning you.

“We’re going to throw that damn thing out in the morning,” he grumbled into your neck.

“But, then how are you going to--”

Bakugo shushed you. “It’s fine, you’re more important than some some stupid machine or a little bit of sleep. I’m a lot more comfortable when you’re lying down next to me. You’re all I need, okay, dummy?”

You finally stopped crying. “Okay.”

#bnha x reader #mha x reader #bakugo x reader #bakugou x reader #bakugo #bakugou #bakugo katsuki #bakugou katsuki #bakugo oneshot #bakugou oneshot #bnha request #mha request #my hero academia x reader #boku no hero academia x reader

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queenofimagines · 4 years

Text

What If?

Request: can i get a jj x reader where she likes jj and he likes her but she's unsure about getting into a relationship because she has depression and she's like how am i supposed to handle other peoples shit when i can barely handle my own.

Warnings: None

You always knew you were a relationship type of person. You didn’t like the idea of having a fling or a one night stand as much as some of your other friends did. For a while now, a relationship was something you had searched for, although you didn’t care to admit to yourself that you weren’t just looking for any old relationship, you wanted one with him.

JJ Maybank, resident playboy and the one who stole your heart. JJ had a rough life and all you ever found yourself wanting to do was put a smile on his face and make him forget about his dad. You pondered the idea of being in a relationship with JJ ever since you met and now more than ever it seemed like a perfect fit. John B had found Sarah and Pope and Kie had gotten together not too long ago, leaving you and JJ as the only single ones in the group. You hoped and hoped that he’d see you the way you see him, that he’d return your feelings one day, but you knew that would never happen. Despite what Kie told you and what you tried to tell yourself, you knew that you weren’t good enough for JJ. He deserved someone better, someone with less baggage.

You had been diagnosed with depression when you were fourteen. It wasn’t that hard to understand, at least not to you. You didn’t have the most caring of parents. Scratch that, you did have an amazing mother, but she wasn’t around much anymore. She had been working almost nonstop to help support your family and save up enough money so that you would be able to go to college one day, she did everything in her power to set up a good future for you so that one day you would be able to leave The Cut and live the life she wishes you had now. Your father, he was the real reason. He never hit you, threatened to, sure, but never did. But he would tell you, everyday, what a disappointment you were. He would always make sure you remembered you were worth less than the dirt on his shoes. He called you stupid and useless, even though he didn’t even have a job, leaving your mother to do the supporting, and did nothing but sleep all day and drink. Your friends knew, of course they did, but they didn’t exactly know how much it had effected you. Some days were easy, it felt like you could handle whatever was thrown at you, especially when you had your friends standing with you, other days were harder. Other days, the constant nagging from the voice in your head that pointed out all of the bad things in the world and all of your insecurities drowned out any of the positive things you knew were true. The unpredictability of these days made you hesitant to try for a relationship, despite how much you wanted one. You couldn’t do that to JJ, and besides, how were you supposed to help him if you couldn’t even help yourself?

“What’s up, buttercup.” JJ plopped next to you, throwing an arm around your shoulder. He looked good silhouetted against the sun. The way he always seemed to glow after he and John B had gone surfing making his appearance that much more angelic.

“Hey! Do you want a beer?” You asked, hoping he hadn’t caught you staring.

“Uh, do you like asking stupid questions?” He answered, reaching around you to grab a beer from the cooler Kiara had brought. You rolled your eyes, not even attempting to hide the small smile forming from his comment.

“Oh shut up, I was just trying to be nice.” You fake pouted at him.

“I’m sorry my sweet! I just can’t help it.” Smiling at the way you huffed at him, you and JJ both turned back to the conversation at hand. You and the rest of the Pogues were sat around a small fire that Kiara had built just talking about anything and everything. Moments like these have become rare amongst you, usually someone or another had an issue or you guys were running from someone, but not tonight. Tonight, there was no fear or pressure, no anxiety about the time you guys were spending doing absolutely nothing. It was a nice change of pace in your hectic lives. Soaking in the moment, you realized just how dark it had gotten, and just how cold. You yourself were quite warm. Being pressed to JJ’s side let you siphon off some of his heat and also made your own skin grow warm just by being in such close proximity to him. JJ, on the other hand, seemed to be freezing. He was in nothing but his usual muscle tee and cargo shorts and it seemed that he had forgotten to bring a jacket. You knew he would, no matter how many times you told him to, JJ never brought a jacket with him.

“You cold?” You asked, already knowing his answer.

“No,” He responded, although the slight shiver that ran through his body when a small breeze drifted through didn’t go unnoticed.

“Uh-huh,” Carefully removing JJ’s arms from around you, you began to make your way towards your car, but not before letting your friends know that you would be back. Opening your trunk, you searched through the various things you had piled in before your eyes landed on just what you were looking for. Quickly making your way back, you threw the blanket you always kept in your car around JJ’s shoulders. He looked surprised, not expecting you to have given much thought to his state of being. He looked at you with wide eyes and an even wider smile.

“What? You think I can’t tell when you’re lying?” You asked. JJ opened up his arms and pulled you under the blanket with him.

“Awe, you’re always so good to me.” He said, placing a kiss on your cheek, pulling you closer to do so.

“Ugh! Would you guys just date already? I can’t take it!” Sarah yelled, throwing her head back in mock frustration.

“What are you talking about?” JJ asked.

“All the flirting and the lovey dovey things you guys do.” John B answered, smiling at the both of you like you were in on the same joke.

“Yeah man, it’s obvious you guys are perfect for each other, I say go for it.” Pope chimed in. A chorus of agreement swept through the group, all of them turning to you guys expectantly. You began to feel the panic rise in your chest. You wanted to be with JJ, sure you did, but what if he didn’t like you that way? You can’t handle that kind of rejection, not now anyway. And what if he did? Then what? Then he’d be stuck with a mess of a person. He would leave you, definitely. He’d see that you aren’t the type of person that he actually wanted to be with and break up with you. Your breathing began to pick up as tears stung your eyes, you quickly got up, needing to be away from the situation, and ran to your car, getting into the drivers seat before slamming the door closed, the panic only settling in further when you realized just how bizarre your actions must have looked and that you would have to deal with the aftermath soon. Closing your eyes, you took deep breathes. You wanted to drive away, go back home and deal with everything tomorrow, but you also knew you couldn’t drive in the state you were in. You jumped at the gentle tapping in your window, whipping your head around to see JJ looking at you, concern written all over his face. You slowly opened the car door, stepping out onto shaky legs.

“Hey, are you okay?” He asked immediately.

“Yeah, I’m fine.” You mumbled.

“You don’t look fine.”

“Well, I am,” There was a long moment of silence that seemed to last forever. JJ was studying you, you could tell by the little furrow of his brow and the way he lightly chewed on his bottom lip.

“What they said, about us, it freaked you out.” JJ finally stated. You froze, it wasn’t what they said that freaked you out, it was you. Your own thoughts that made you feel like you were being cornered. You knew that, but you didn’t say it, knowing how ridiculous it would sound, especially to JJ who seemed to already have his mind made up.

JJ sighed, making you look up at him. He seemed to be contemplating something, his uncertainty practically oozing out of him as he began pacing in front of you. He abruptly came to a stop and turned to you, looking you in the eyes before speaking.

“I like you, Y/N. A lot. And I want to be your boyfriend, to be the one you turn to when you’re sad and to be the one that gets to make you happy. Listen, I’m not all that good with words and I don’t really know all that much about love but I know that I want all of the commitment type shit that I promised I never would and I want it with you. But if you don’t, that’s okay. We can still be friends if you don’t feel the same but please don’t shut me out. Don’t stop talking to me just because of some stupid comment from our friends.”

“I...” You didn’t know what to say. How could you tell the boy you loved, who seemingly loved you too, that you didn’t want to be with him because you didn’t want to hurt him. He’d be angry if you said that, anyways. He would probably think that you didn’t like him and were just sparing his feelings, but that would have been the farthest from the truth.

JJ stared at you, waiting for you to say something, but after minutes of silence JJ knew that it was no use waiting. He had spilled his heart to you and you couldn’t even say anything. He was pissed, sure, but sad more than anything, and embarrassed. He wanted to take it all back, he wanted to forget that it happened, and that’s exactly what he was going to do. JJ turned back and marched towards your friends, fully intended on getting wasted on whatever beer was left in Kiara’s cooler. Hmade it about half way before he felt your hand gently wrap around his upper arm to stop him.

You didn’t think JJ would stop when you grabbed him. You were sure that he was going to shake you off and ignore you. You didn’t want to yell, not trusting your voice enough.

“I like you too,” you stated. “And I want to be in a relationship with you but...”

You took a deep breathe. Admitting this out loud was something you thought you’d ever do and it certainly wasn’t something you wanted to do either.

“JJ, you know what I’m like. You’ve seen the depressive episodes. And you knew what my family is like. I can’t put that on you, especially when you have your own problems. I can’t have you worrying about me when you have so many other things to be focused on.”

“And you think I don’t now? You think I don’t worry about you even though we’re just friends? Of course I worry, I worry that you when you walk home alone and when you have to go home after we stay out just a little too late. I worry about you all the damn time the same way you always say you worry about me. Us not being together doesn’t change that.”

“But what if it’s too much for you? What then JJ? I can’t handle you of all people breaking my heart, especially if it’s for that.”

“Y/N, you could never be too much for me. I need you, okay? I need you in my life. You’re my rock, you’re the reason I get up every morning. You’re the reason I try so hard in everything I do. Whether we are together or not, your problems will always be my problems because I know that letting you go would be the biggest mistake in the world. I love you and there’s nothing you can do to stop me.” Looking up at him, you nodded. You could tell by the way he was looking at you that he was telling the truth, that he did love you. You were still unsure, still hesitant, but you also figured that if he was willing to be brave enough to bear his heart to you, then you should at least give him the courtesy of returning at least a portion of that bravery. You gently grabbed his hand, pulling him closer to you.

“I love you too.” You stated simply.

“So does this mean you’ll give me a shot?” He asked hopefully. You nodded.

“Yeah, it does.”

“Well then, my lady, your chariot awaits.” JJ said, slowly bending as if to bow and pointing his hand towards your car.

“JJ, that’s my car.” You giggled. “And what about the Pogues?”

“They’ll be fine without us. I think it’s high time you and I have our first official date.”

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