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letsgetrowdy43 · 6 months

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For You (Rowan’s Version)—

Toxic! Jack Hughes x reader & Platonic!Quinn Hughes

Based on the song “For you” by Delaney Bailey

Warnings: jacks a shitty bf, he's just mean I don't overly go into detail about his shittyness

Ro’s 1000 follower celly

“I'm getting too comfortable in my skin again, laughing too loudly at my own jokes again. Need to stifle my voice again, need to make myself small again. So that I can fit in the palms of your hands, so that I can be loved again”

Summer had always been her favourite time of the year, the boys rid themselves of any stress for two months, allowing them to travel, drink, and rest before training started up once again.

Summer was supposed to be peaceful. But seemingly, this year, it was anything but.

It had been apparent to everyone visiting the lake house that Jack and his girlfriend were going through a rough patch, their relationship was teetering on this metaphorical tightrope and nothing ever seemed to create balance. All it was gonna take was one small thing to throw them off, and the tension seemed to grow with every little comment that Jack threw at her.

She stood on the back deck, tears in her eyes as she stared at anything she could catch a glimpse of while ignoring Jack’s harsh glare. He was scolding her once again for something so minuscule, it was like routine at this point. Her gaze was set on the boys down at the dock, loud laughter coming from their direction as Jack snapped his fingers in her face to get her attention.

Quinn frowned at the sight in front of him, watching them through the window, taking note of the heartbreak etched on her face as she shrugged and looked at Jack with defeat. The older brother's brows pulled together as he watched Jack talk down to her, confused as to how a match so perfectly made in heaven had all come crashing down.

Tears well up in her eyes as she fought off the urge to say something snarky back at Jack's stupid accusations, but ultimately knowing that the arguments weren’t worth it and if she just listened and moved on then everything would be just fine in a matter of hours. The girl slowly nodded and wiped her tears as Jack pressed a kiss to the apple of her cheek, a smile finding its way onto his lips as a way to lift her mood before he went back to being with the boys.

She looked up at the older boy in the window who was displaying a look of shock at the way she pushed down all of her fight and accepted Jack's venomous words. Stood there staring at the man, someone who she considered a brother, not knowing how much he had witnessed, and not wanting to see the pitiful look that was spreading across his features.

He ushered for her to come in and talk but she simply shook her head and made her way into the house, dodging him as he called out for her as she found her way to her room. Exactly where Jack wanted her, away from his friends, and silent upstairs ★★★

“Shove a sock down my throat again, remind me I'm not funny again. Be the cool girl you wanted everyone to see,”

Jack slammed their bedroom door in her face, practically pushing her out of their room and forcing her to sleep on the couch all because of some fight over a girl at the bar.

“Fuck,” she screamed as she walked outside to get some air, the cold filling her lungs as she walked as far away from the house as possible, tears blurring her vision and sobs ripping from her throat as she distanced herself from the lake house, trying not to wake or alarm anyone this late in the night. Her hands pulled at the roots of her hair as she sat down on the edge of the dock, sticky tears down her cheeks as she struggled to take a long deep breath. Her heart began to quicken as the anxiety of realizing that she could lose Jack once and for all seemed to set in.

“I'm worried about you,” Quinn’s voice appeared from behind her, her eyes screwed shut as she tried to pull herself together, not wanting Quinn to see her like this. “I'm fine Q, just some bumps in the road,” she looked up at him, bottom lip wobbling as she saw the felt tears starting up again, “he’s right, I need to work on myself,” she shrugged sadly as Quinn sat down next to her, sticking his feet in the water as he watched her examine the soft ripples on the lake's surface. “I don't like that you think you're the issue in your guy’s relationship,” Quinn confessed, “he shouldn’t make you feel like that.”

The girl shook her head, bottom lips pulled between her teeth as she shook her head, “he’s not wrong though, I've been fucking up,” she whispered as Quinn shook his head but she chose to ignore, “I just need to give him some space,” her words became quiet as she recollected on the events of most every night since they had arrived that the lake house, “work on myself, for him”

"You wouldn't have to if he was treating you properly, you're not happy." "You can't tell me what I am, and am not" she mumbled tiredly, a tension headache began to sit at the pressure points right behind her eyes as she looked at him with a frown. "If I can't, then why can he?" he asked earnestly, care behind his eyes as she brushed off his question.

Quinn stared at her with such a lost expression, it was like he was staring at a different version of a girl he cared for so deeply. Her face recently seemed to lack any sort of colour as she slowly detached herself from life, to be present with her friends and family.

“It's different, I just need to be better for him,” she sighed, she smiled shortly and hugged the boy, “thank you for the talk Q,” she leaned against him for a second before standing up to head into the house, the couch calling her name.

The man sat out there for a minute longer, a bad feeling in his stomach as he watched the reflection of the moon on the water, thinking about how off she seemed, so insecure, so nervous to be seen by the people she viewed as her family.

★★★

"But pardon me, I've overshared, I’ll back myself into this corner. I’ll hide my tail between my legs, It’s really for the best”

Jack had somehow mastered the art of the silent treatment this summer.

He had been ignoring her once again, barely even looking in her direction all day after they had argued the night before. She was walking on literal eggshells around him at all times.

It was torturous as she hid away in their shared room after he dodged her apology kiss when she got downstairs for their morning coffee, pushing her away and then finding one of the boys to go to the country club with for a round of golf.

“You’re alive!” Trevor, one of her oldest and closest friends, announced as he hugged her and pulled her away from the stairs to the table where everyone was sitting and having dinner that Quinn and Josh made. “He finally let me out of my time out,” she joked and sat down at the table a smile on her face as she listened to Trevor’s contagious laughter.

Her eyes glanced up to see Jack already glaring down at her, the smile etched on her lips dropped as she watched him look away once again. She continued to look at him with caution as Luke placed a plate of dinner in front of her, the younger boy gave her an apologetic look and sat down in one of the two empty seats on either side of her

The girl stared at the other empty seat and then back up at Jack who watched her eyes fill with something that resembled hope, a childish thought that maybe he’d drop the annoyed act and sit next to her, just be close to her for dinner. Jack looked at the spot and scoffed, it was like he twisted the knife in her already aching wound, her face fell as she watched him find the only other empty seat at the other end of the table and sat down.

He was making a point, which was something he’d been doing a lot of lately.

She looked away from him, down at her full plate, and then up to Quinn who was already staring at her with a worried look as she shook her head, begging him with her eyes to stop looking at her like some fragile little girl. But that’s all she was in that moment, a once ferocious woman belittled into a shell of herself, all for love.

“You made me look like such an idiot!” Jack hissed as he found her lounging on the hammock in the backyard. “I'm tired Jack, I don't want to do this right now, please,” she sighed and shut her book as the swinging motion of the hammock stopped. “Well then don't pick fights that you don't want to continue, I'm embarrassed,” he lowered his voice and looked around for any of the guys, not wanting to be seen making such a scene.

The girl re-opened her book up to the page she last left off of, “you should be embarrassed, you’ve such been a dick lately,” she mumbled as Jack stared at her with anger-filled eyes. “I'm not the issue, you are, I mean you practically throw yourself at our friends!” He spat as she shut her mouth and just accepted the lies spewing from his mouth, “It’s you who should be embarrassed,” and with that, he walked away.

Leaving her all alone, the creaking of the hammock rang through her ears as she fought off the stinging feeling of tears lining her eyes.

★★★

“And I'll be quiet for you, and I'll make room here for you. I’ll throw out my things and ignore the constant sting, shove your keys on my ring, and I'll ask, "How are things?"For you”

She would’ve done anything for Jack, her love for him was something she believed to be everlasting, one that was so pure, up until that summer and their return to Jersey. The second they got to their apartment in Newark Jack was back to his normal self, it was a mid fuck, and it was hurtful.

She didn’t want to speak to him, she didn’t want to be touched by him, and she was starting to think that maybe she just didn’t want him anymore. She missed the old her, he’d changed her for the worse, and she resented him for it.

It was a realization that came slowly, one that was hard to come to terms with as she packed her suitcase and pushed Jack's pleas and promises of ‘being better’ to the side.

“I can’t do this anymore Jack,” she said with an armful of her clothes that she shoved right into her suitcase, her breaths uneven as she fought the urge to stop just hear him out. “I don't understand?” He moved himself in between her and her suitcase. “You just spent the entire summer acting like you hated me, and all of a sudden you're all over me,” she cried, “it's confusing, you’re confusing me.”

Jack huffed as he reached out to hold her but she backed away, “I can’t,” she shook her head, pushing his hands away from her and moved around him to shove all of her socks into the suitcase.

“I don't understand what you want from me, I love you!”

She froze, and let out a dry laugh at how he could simply twist the narrative, and just like that she was the ad guy all over again, “That's just it! You don’t love me though, you love me when it's convenient for you, and you only find me convenient when people aren’t around,” her calm composure turned into one of shaky breaths and tears as she finally looked jack in the eyes. “You don't like my humour, you dont' even look at me when we are in the same room, and when you do its cold and angry. You don't like when I talk to our friends or even just to you sometimes. Fuck Jack you don't like me for me anymore, and it's fucking with me,” Jack was taken aback as she pushed passed him to sort through her drawers.

He opened his mouth to make a counterargument but she shook her head tiredly, “it's okay J, it's just not working anymore, let me let you go please, cause you’re killing me over here,” she whispered, a weight-lifting off of her shoulders as she watched him stiffen up and nod his head curtly leaving her to finish collecting her things.

A loud bang at the door startled the Hughes boy who was lazily lounging on his couch, he looked down at his watch confusion lacing his features as he saw how late it was. He swung the door open to be met with a look of pure exhaustion, “I don't love him anymore,” she mumbled as Quinn nodded his head and pulled her in for a hug. “I know,” he whispered as she gripped onto his cotton shirt, tears soaking the fabric as he cradled the back of her head and just let her let all of the emotions out.

Allowing herself to let go of every bottled-up feeling that she had been harbouring for months as she fell into Quinn's hold. “This is rock bottom,” she mumbled as the man shook his head, Quinn's hand ran up and down her back reassuringly. “On the bright side there’s only one way to go from here,” She nodded as her grip on the boy's shirt let up and she pulled away to see him staring down at her.

He ushered her into the house and looked at her as she wiped away the remnants of her tears, “no more for him, only ever for you,” Quinn said as he hugged her once again.

#⭐️ro's1000followercelly⭐️#jack hughes blurb #jack hughes imagine #jack hughes x reader #jack hughes fic #jack hughes #quinn hughes #luke hughes #trevor zegras

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thishazbinamistake · 5 months

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Howdy!

I am here to talk about Viv's horrible character designs.

From an animator perspective, they suck.

Here's why

1. The characters have way too much detail

For animation, more lines equal more work. You're going to be drawing them over and over, and it just creates more stress and work for the animators.

For example, I took one of the most egregious designs in HB (Beelzebub) and simplified it to be animation friendly.

(Can't send it here but I'll probably make a post about it or something.)

2. There's too much of 1 color

WHY IS THERE SO MUCH RED??

Especially since they're in a primarily red background, they don't stand out AT ALL.

Like how am I supposed to see them if they blend in to the background??

3. I have no idea what half of them are supposed to be

Charlie is based off a doll?

Alastor is based off of a deer?

Katie Killjoy is based off of a praying mantis?

Angel Dust is based off of a spider?

Beelzebub is supposed to be well... Beelzebub?

When designing characters, they need to be clear on what they're supposed to be! And no, explaining it on Twitter does not count.

4. The animation reference sheets are garbage

No wonder there's so much animation errors. There's no facial expression sheets, lip sync guide, nothing. It's just a 4 angle turnaround sheet where the character is in complex poses all the time.

If you Google Lackadaisy's animation reference sheets and then look at HB's, it's like night and day.

I'm more than willing to send some examples (along with the edit I did) if you want

So yeah, what are your thoughts?

These are all great points! I think you summed up the main problems very well, but I'll elaborate on each of them. I'm no expert at character design or animation by any means, but I'll do my best to explain my points!

First of all, like you said, the character designs are way too complicated. Anyone who knows even the slightest amount about animation knows you want to simplify and streamline your designs as much as possible to make it easier on the animators. Vivzie is way too obsessed with her Deviantart OC lookin'-ass character designs to actually do this, even though it would seriously help to make the animation process way faster and easier. Beelzebub is seriously the best (or worst?) example of this.

I feel so bad for the poor souls who had to animate this. There are just way too many moving parts here, from her multiple arms, her wings, her markings, to her freaking lava lamp hair and tail?? It's just awful. And so many of Viv's designs suffer this problem, I could go on and on.

Like, I think it actually is a nice looking design, as a still image. Maybe not for the demon Beelzebub, but as a general furry OC, I think she's cute. But that's beside the point. I would love to see your redesign of her!

Next, the RED. So, most of the characters we see in Helluva Boss are red-skinned imps, which has been a common depiction of demons for centuries. One big problem I have is that there's little contrast in these designs. Let's look at our three main imps.

Aside from some white and yellow highlights, they're all mostly red and black. Their color palettes aren't distinct in the slightest! And, I mean, come on. Red accessories against what's almost the exact same shade of red skin? Really? It just doesn't look good. A little contrast here and there goes a long way, like... maybe make Moxxie's bowtie blue? Or Blitz's pendant green? I don't know, anything to help each character stand out, and help give them more visual intrigue.

It doesn't help that most of the backgrounds are primarily shades of red, too. Here's a few screenshots I found that really show this problem.

Look at all that fucking red. Like you said, there's such little color variation that the characters blend into the background. Now, to be fair, I did specifically choose these screenshots because I think they really highlight the problem, but this really is what so much of the show looks like. Granted, we do have a bit more variety in the different rings of Hell, each with their own main color, but this is still too much red, considering how much the color comprises the main characters' designs.

Next, like you said, Vivzie is really bad at making characters actually look like the things they're supposed to look like. Let's take Alastor as an example!

Oh boy! More red and black. So, Alastor here is supposed to be a deer. What's the first physical characteristic that comes to mind when you think of a deer?

Yeah, those big, impressive antlers! So... where are his? Oh, they're those tiny little forks on his head that are almost entirely obscured by his stupid emo hair. Like, come on! Giving him bigger antlers would have made him look so much cooler and more intimidating, and it would have been a great focal point for his design! It's such a missed opportunity. (I know he has bigger antlers in his scarier "demon" form, but you still could have made these a little more impressive.) And don't even get me started on those ears... they look more like fox ears or something. Like you said, a good design shouldn't need to be explained through supplementary material. We should be able to tell what a character is supposed to be just from looking at them!

Another great example is Angel Dust, who, despite being a spider, lacks so many distinct features we associate with spiders! He only has six legs instead of eight, he doesn't have pedipalps or chelicerae, and he also lacks that big old spider booty, which I think is such a missed opportunity, considering he is supposed to be in the sex industry. He isn't even remotely shaped like a spider, he looks more like a fuzzy stick bug or something.

Part of me feels like Viv is too afraid to make her characters look unique, so she just goes with the same, skinny humanoid design for just about everything. It's such a shame, because I really do think she is a talented artist who can make some really interesting designs. But then again, she also gave us Beelzebub, so... maybe not.

As for the reference sheets, maybe I wasn't looking hard enough but I couldn't find any official ones for the main characters, so if you could send those my way I would appreciate it! Though it honestly wouldn't surprise me if they were bad. I did look up Lackadaisy's and found them pretty easily and...

This is so freaking comprehensive and detailed, it's incredible! Look at all those poses and facial expressions!

Comparing Vivzie's works to Tracy's feels kind of unfair, since Tracy has been working on Lackadaisy for 17 years, and it really shows. This is leaps and bounds above Helluva Boss and Hazbin Hotel in quality. Rocky's design is tight; it's detailed, but not overly complicated. There isn't an obnoxious overuse of highly saturated colors, and there's such nice contrast between his fur, his eyes, suit, and tie, making his design very nice to look at. You can also tell so much about his personality and the world he lives in just from his appearance. It's such a good design, and Rocky is just one example from Lackadaisy! All of Tracy's designs are memorable and stand out from one another, unlike so many of Vivzie's characters, whose designs honestly feel interchangable.

So much thought and care has gone into Lackadaisy, and I seriously cannot wait for the full series, as well as all the other amazing indie animated series that have been coming out recently. It's sad that Helluva Boss is seen as the pinnacle of indie animation, when there are so many other series out there that are just.. better! Lackadaisy, obviously, but we've also got Digital Circus, Murder Drones, Monkey Wrench, and so many others that deserve way more appreciation than what Helluva Boss receives. And that's just from an art direction standpoint, we aren't even talking about writing. That's a whole other can of worms.

All of that being said, it's obvious that a ton of love and hard work went into Helluva Boss, and I hold absolutely nothing against the animators and artists at Spindlehorse. These poor design choices are a hallmark of Vivzie's art style, and they're simply working with what they've got. There is such wasted potential here because it feels like Vivzie is too afraid to step outside her comfort zone and design something that isn't a brightly colored, sharp-toothed twink, or skinny anthro wolf girl.

Anyways, that about wraps up my thoughts. Thanks for the ask, this was fun to delve into! And again, I'd be very interested in seeing you post your redesigns! 👀

#hazbin hotel critical #helluva boss critical #vivziepop critical #long post

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yelenasdiary · 11 days

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Here's a little Yelena Drabble idea for you if you're interested. 😊 The reader is having a remote interview on their laptop, and they're nervous. Yelena is standing in front of them out of view of the interviewer, encouraging them and trying to make them smile.

Drabble || You Worry Too Much!

Pariring: Yelena Belova x Fem! Reader (Platonic)

Summary: Yelena tries her best to make you less nervous and stressed during an important interview.

Fluff

Warnings: None, this is not corrected or proof-read | 0.6K

AC: I hope it's okay I write this as a platonic fic, I haven't written one in a while and I thought this would be a great idea to do so! I hope you enjoy! x

10:15am the time read on your laptop as you sat patiently in the zoom call waiting room, all your notes and possible question answers sat on one side of you while a glass of cold water sat on the other side. In 15 minutes you were able to have an interview for a new job. It was time for a change, time to leave the cafe that you worked tirelessly at just a few blocks away from your apartment.

You were having a quick read over the notes in your notepad when Yelena let herself in with a smile on her lips and a coffee in one hand. "Good morning" she greeted, placing the coffee next to the glass of water beside you.

"Yelena? W-what are you doing here? Did you forget that I have a really important interview today?" you asked with a worried tone.

"Nope, I didn't forget" she replied, making her way to the sofa, "You've been stressed about this interview all week, I'm just here to keep you company" she added as she sat down and grabbed one of last week's trash magazines that sat on your coffee table.

"Could you please just go wait in my bedroom?" you suggest, not wanting her to distract you.

"Don't worry, you stress too much!" she chuckled, "I won't distract you....much" she added with a playful smirk.

You didn't have time to respond to your best friend as the screen on your laptop changed and you were greeted with a middle-aged man in a business suit.

"Good morning Miss Y/L/N, thank you for join me today. I know we spoke over the phone last week but it's nice to put a face to voices" the man smiled, "I'll try not to keep you long" he added. He seemed a little more laid back than all your past interviewers, it helped a little take some of the nerves you were feeling away but not enough to feel completely comfortable and confident.

"Smile" Yelena mouthed, using a small wave to get your attention.

You gave the man the generic fake smile and thanked him for taking the time to interview you for the position. "I like to get the harder questions out of the way, so, why don't you tell me why you think you would be great for this position" he said.

Your eyes glanced over to your notes, "I believe that I am a hard worker, I love working with others and meeting deadlines. I have a high attention to detail and..." you started, pausing for a moment to look back at your notes. Yelena shook her head, "very reliable" she mouthed slowly so you could understand her.

"I'm very reliable and I find great satisfaction in organising and filing. You'll find that not only am I fun to be around, I will get the job done. I am always willing to put myself out there and help others, I love sharing ideas and I am always trying ways to gain more skills in many different areas" you added.

You felt confident in your answer and saw that Yelena was giving you a thumbs up which also reminded you to smile.

As the interview we on, Yelena helped here she could, mouthing words for you to use and always reminding you to keep giving a smile here and there. With every moment that passes you slowly but surely became more confident within yourself, your eyes caught the message that was writing on your coffee cup, "you've got this" with a little smiley face quickly made you thankful for Yelena letting herself in.

"Well, I think that's all on my end. You should hear back from me by the end of the coming week, thank you again for time" the man smiled.

"Thank you, I appreciate this opportunity" you replied, giving the man one last smile before he said goodbye. You closed your laptop and looked up at Yelena, "Thank you, I can't believe you really helped me feel more confident" you spoke.

"Like I said, you worry too much! Now grab your coffee, I'm starving" Yelena replied.

If you want to be on the taglist for my work, please click HERE.

#yelenasdiary asks #sycamorelibrary754 #fanfiction #yelena belova #marvel #yelena belova x reader

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billsjum6ie · 8 months

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hey, could you write a romantic one-shot (fluff) with Bill x reader (fem!reader) please? The reader (y/n) is a famous singer. So for the context, I imagined they could meet in a clothing store but like incognito (bc they're famous etc) and it would be love at first sight (for the era : 2009/2010)...

(Of course!! I don't have all the details I need so I'm a bit freestyling here but I hope you like it!)

Love at first sight

Bill Kaulitz x fem!reader

It was late afternoon when you decided to go shopping. Whenever things get too busy for you and you start feeling pressured that's where you lash out. Shopping. Being a singer this famous helps this hobby of yours a lot, so it's one more day at your usual clothing store. You have your hair up in a ponytail, some sunglasses (that don't really help you see, but it's better than getting recognized all the time) and a usual baseball cap. Your clothes are pretty casual, a plain t-shirt and jeans, something far more different than your stage clothes. When on stage, singing, doing something you love, you want to be a little bit extra. Leather crop tops and pants, (faux) furs and lots of makeup. And being admired by one of the artists you like the most, Bill Kaulitz, gave you another strong boost to keep this style. You heard in an interview that he really likes your clothing and that he could possibly try it in the future. You guys were pretty similar when it comes to fashion. So it shouldn't be a surprise when you noticed a familiar face that day. He was trying to be unrecognizable as well, but his height was the first thing you noticed. Not many people you've seen are this tall, a detail about him that always fascinated you. And, when you got closer, his signature black and white nails couldn't go unnoticed. He was in the changing room area and was trying on some skinny pants with a black and white pattern. You yourself already had chosen many clothes to try on so you approached the changing room too.

"I think people are gonna go feral when seeing you in this."

You said, absent-minded, as you hang your clothes one by one in the changing room next to his. At first he was surprised, flinching a bit at your voice until his eyes went to you through the mirror. His lips parted a bit, a second wave of shock as he turned around to face you.

"Y/n? Are you-"

He slowly brought his hands to his lips, his excitement making your heart flatter. You should admit you have a crush on this guy. I mean, who doesn't?

"Oh my God."

He added and you noticed his cheeks reddening.

"I never knew you're coming here to shop too. If I did, I would invite you to come shopping with me sometime. You have a good sense of style."

You said, laughing a bit as he managed to collect himself and his fanboying over his celebrity crush.

"That would be great! I mean, I'm sure you've seen the interviews."

He said, giggling as you nodded, rolling your eyes playfully.

"Of course I have, and I'm fluttered."

You said as you saw him go into the changing room. You went into yours as well trying on the first t-shirt.

"So, you come here often I suppose?"

He asked and you nodded, forgetting he can't see you.

"Yeah, every now and then. When things get too much for me I like taking my mind off of shit this way."

You said and got out of your changing room going in front of the mirror. You fixed the shirt, turning your body around slightly to see how it looks on you.

"Don't stress it. You look fine, and it's definitely your thing."

You heard his voice say as he came to the mirror too. He stood beside you looking at himself. It was a quick thought, but you couldn't ignore the fact that this couple you saw in front of you could break the internet if it became reality. You turned to him. He was now wearing a black turtleneck.

"Too plain. Maybe add something?"

He looked at you, scoffing.

"You thought that was it?"

He said as he went in his changing room for a couple of seconds before coming back with a necklace. Basically a silver chain with many layers. He slowly moved it in front of your face, making you laugh.

"I'm sorry, I forgot."

"Duh."

He said, rolling his eyes like this was the most common thing. He closed the curtain behind him.

"I think you should buy it. You choose great jewelry so it would fit perfectly. "

You said as you did the same and changed to some leather pants, going to the big mirror again to check them out. At the same time he was there with you again. You noticed his eyes checking you out and you felt a wave of confidence fill your heart.

"They suit you."

He said before turning to himself. He now wore a black t-shirt with a huge white skull on it. You raised a brow. Damn, he was pretty.

"This looks really good."

He smiled, looking at you,his hands on his chest playing with the shirt.

"I thought about buying one for the other guys too. Like a maching t-shirt for the whole band!"

He said, excitement in his voice, bringing a smile on your face. His side that was still a child always make your heart skip a bit. He was so fucking sweet.

"Is Tom gonna like it though?"

You asked, making him laugh. That pure, genuine laugh of his.

"I don't care, they're all gonna wear it."

He said entering his changing room. After some more clothes you both tried on, you were finished. When you exited the changing rooms area he looked at you.

"Do you maybe..wanna go grab some coffee? Or you have other plans?"

He asked you, hesitantly, making you scream from excitement. Internally.

"That's actually a very good idea. You made my boring day a bit brighter now."

You gave your answer without a second thought as you went to the cashier. You paid, each their own clothes, despite his efforts to convince you to let him buy it for you, and you left for the nearest square. You found a coffee shop with a very pretty aesthetic and sat there, putting your bags aside. You ordered coffee and immediately started talking about everything, nothing specific. The one topic was following the other with not much effort. You realized you two had a lot more in common than just your style.

"I never expected to be sitting here, with someone I admire so much, chatting like this is an everyday thing."

He said, laughing a bit as you called over the waiter to pay. You couldn't hide the huge, bright smile that appeared on your face.

"Me neither. I would love if this happened again. Unintentionally, of course."

You said, sarcasm prominent in your voice at the last sentence. But he definitely got the message.

"Are you going to pay together or separately?"

The waiter asked and before you could answer,

"Everything is on me."

You heard bill say, sending you a playful smile. You rolled your eyes. This bitch. When he paid and you stood up to leave, he got your phone in his hands. You saw him open your contacts and adding a new one.

"I hope it'll come in handy pretty soon."

He said, giving you your phone back with a grin. You knew it was his phone number so you grinned back, putting it in your pocket.

"I'm sure it will. I had so much fun."

You said before grabbing your bags.

"Bye, Bill. I'll see you soon."

You said before turning to leave.

"Y/n."

Your name, so soft, so precious, coming from his lips. You turned around again, just a little so you could face him.

"It was a pleasure."

He said, nodding slightly.

"See you soon. Unintentionally. "

He added, making a small,knowing smile appear on your face.

"Unintentionally. "

You repeated before you both went your ways. When you got back home and checked your phone, you already had a message.

pretty stranger from the store ;)

Tomorrow. Same time, same place. Sounds good?

Not even half an hour before you guys left the coffee shop. You didn't need to think about it.

I'll be there, "pretty stranger" ;)

Who would've thought a normal trip to your favorite store could end up in something like this? And you knew for sure, it was the same thing from Bill's side as well. The only thing you didn't know, is that, a few hours later, some fans uploaded some pictures of you and bill from that coffee shop, probably recognizing you no matter your attempts to prevent that.

-------------------------------☆---------------------------------

Tom couldn't help but notice the posts about his brother and y/n. So when he burst into Bill's room he had every right to not knock, according to him.

"WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?!"

He screamed, making Bill jump slightly from where he was sitting. At first, he turned to his brother surprised, scared something bad had happened.

"What didn't I tell you?"

He asked, utterly confused as Tom threw his phone in front of him on his desk. Bill took it in his hands looking at the post.

"You went on a FUCKING DATE with your FUCKING CELEBRITY CRUSH and you didn't tell me ANYTHING?!"

He screamed again, making Bill laugh.

"Not a date, Tom. Just a quick decision after some pretty good shopping therapy. Nothing's official."

Tom rolled his eyes, making an exaggerated taunting move with his hands at the words of his brother.

"Oh fuck me, Bill. You and your "official" bullshit."

He mumbled, leaving the room. Bill laughed as he looked back at the post. His eyes went to the caption.

"Bill and y/n? Together at a coffee shop after going shopping? The smiles and glances that were exchanged don't seem so random. Is this the love at first sight Bill was always searching for?"

He laughed slightly to himself but his heartbeat quickened suddenly.

"It sure is."

He answered before closing the phone and leaving it beside him on the desk.

#kaulitz twins #tokio hotel #tokio hotel fanfic #tokio hotel imagine #tokio hotel x reader #bill kaulitz #bill kaulitz x reader #bill kaulitz imagines #bill kaulitz fanfic #bill kaulitz fluff

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dresshistorynerd · 9 months

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How to see through the greenwashing propaganda of the fashion industry - 1

In the light of the Shein brand trip nonsense, I was thinking about how literally every clothing company now engages in greenwashing, even when it's such obvious lie like with Shein. And while most people are not fooled in such blatant cases like that, most cases are not as blatant. To see through the less obvious propaganda often needs a lot of knowledge of the clothing industry, which the average person doesn't have, yet the average person still needs clothing. So instead of trying to expose every company for their bad practices, I thought it might be more helpful to make a post on how to detect greenwashing. I'm going to use four examples, all in the different levels of honesty and responsibility, Shein, H&M, Burberry and Tentree. First I will go into frankly unnecessary amount of detail on Shein, because I fell into a horrifyingly fascinating research rabbit hole and I think it's excellent example on how companies can get away with blatant crimes (allegedly of course). In this first part we will just look into Shien, it's propaganda and reality behind it.

But before I go deeper into this, I want to stress one thing: this is not to say that you can never buy from any brand engaging in dishonest greenwashing, because then you couldn't buy almost any clothing, and you do need clothing. Though I will say, please don't buy from Shein if you in any way can afford not to. There is levels of how bad business practices can be, and they can't be much worse than Shein's, and even beside that, even when super cheep, it's not worth your money. There are other cheep options too. Though I won't hold it against anyone if they buy individual pieces from Shein from time to time, but I would implore at least to considerate, if they really need it and if it might be possible to get something similar from somewhere else. But my point in this is not necessarily to help you make better consumer decisions, because consumption will not save us, but to see through the corporate propaganda and not become complaisant after hearing comforting lies. The corporations are doing everything they can to make you believe they are already fixing the problems within the industry and there's no need for government intervention pinky promise, just keep consuming. But that's all bullshit and government intervention is exactly what is needed.

Before taking a look at our cases, I'll outline the key things I think are good to look for, when presented with sustainability PR.

TRANSPARENCY - Companies are not required to publish much of the information about their practices, but as it has become clear to everyone that the whole fashion industry is a massive problem, opacity has become rightly seen as suspicious. It has become also a sort of marketing method to disclose any evidence of good practices, so when a company is not doing that, and missing out on well working marketing, it raises the question, what are they hiding. Companies may try to give the appearance of transparency, without actually disclosing information. They might write in an easily accessible page about all their lofty goals, promises and achievements in a very vague language, they might talk about being transparent and publishing their data, but that data might be buried somewhere, where it's not easily accessible. Good sign on the other hand would be for example providing supply chain information for a product in the product description.

RELIABLE INFORMATION - Usually it's safer for a company to be vague or silent than to lie, because that might lead to legal consequences, but by cherry-picking and subtly twisting data, it can be turned to be flattering for them. Small companies might provide raw evidence of their facilities and supply chain, like photos, locations, contractor names etc. to give proof for their word. For bigger companies this is not of course possible as their supply chains might be massive and they might have thousands of facilities. However, there are many different independent and governmental organizations that give different kinds of certifications. The certifications are meant to give some reassurance of quality and/or accurate information. However not all certifications are made equal. Most reliable certifications don't have ties to the industry (aka are actually independent, not just in name), have governmental oversight and are given access to the data, from which they do the research themselves.

SUPPLY CHAIN - Giving the origin country of the final product is nowadays standard information to give, as it's required by law for example in EU. It's a red flag, if it's produced in a country, that has lacking environmental or labour laws, poor oversight and/or little protections for people. However, this does not mean that all production in those countries is unethical or questionable, but the risk for that is higher and the need for evidence of the working conditions is also higher. This is however just one part of the production. Before clothing can be sewn, the raw material for fiber must be made/acquired, that material must be turned into fiber, which must be turned into yarn and then the yarn must be woven into fabric. All of these steps in the process need workers, who deserve good working conditions. And depending on what fabric is in question, there's potential for major environmental issues in the different processes. This is why it's important to know more than just the country where the clothing was sewn. There could be certification for ethical sourcing of the fabric for example. With supply chain it's also better if the materials are sourced as locally as possible, to avoid a lot of extra carbon emissions from transportation. Best case scenario would be if the company manages the supply chain themselves locally, so they can know for sure where their materials come from and also avoid middlemen.

BUSINESS MODEL - The reason why it's often so hard to get information on the supply chain is that many companies, especially the large ones, outsource as much as possible. This might seem unintuitive, as the middlemen make production less efficient and costly as everyone takes a cut. However, they do it to outsource risks and responsibility. They don't have to invest into factories or raw material production and they have plausible deniability, if and when there's issues in their supply chain. The complexity of the supply chain provides opacity that is impossible and unreasonable to monitor, which allows the company to buy materials that are unreasonably cheep, while feigning ignorance of worker exploitation. How much the clothing cost can also give some idea on their business model. If it's super cheep, the only way for it to be that cheep is if workers are not payed enough and everything is poorly made. Cheep is always a red flag, though, if it's fairly cheep and I mean basic clothing is not much more than 100 eur (little more in USDs) but not much less than 50 eur, it can be okay or even good quality and with proper pay for workers, if the company doesn't take massive margins and don't have a ton of middlemen in their supply chain. However, expensive is not insurance of quality or good pay for workers. Many expensive brands take massive margins while their production has little difference to fast fashion and their products are poor quality.

CASE STUDY 1: SHEIN

Let's start with the propaganda. In Shein's About Us page, they say:

"SHEIN is a global fashion and lifestyle e-retailer committed to making the beauty of fashion accessible to all."

You see, their goal is to make fashion accessible to everyone, not just privileged few. They back this up by informing how they work in 150 countries, have very wide variety of clothing, are one of the most popular shopping apps, connect with the customers on where they are - social media - and, of course, have ridiculously low prices. Their team of nearly 10,000 employees (of which 58% are women for your information) loves to serve their many many customers, who are most important for Shein. They use "cutting-edge technology" and digitized agile supply chain to track sales and demand and adjust their manufacturing in real time. When they notice a new trend, they immediately put something trendy on sale, make prototypes and order small batches from factories. This is how they keep their inventory waste low and get products quickly to their customers. In their own words:

"By developing proprietary logistics and ecommerce technology, we are disrupting the fashion space and improving outcomes for manufacturers, suppliers and consumers."

We will see, if the "outcomes" are really "improved".

Shein group's website has very extensive information about their sustainability goals and efforts, giving the impression of transparency. It's pretty clear this is in an effort to combat all the allegations towards them. To make their business sustainable in addition to their reduced inventory waste they are "accelerating their transition" to use recycled polyester, promoting their "peer-to-peer resale platform" for Shein products, "eshtablishing" a recycling program for end-of-life products, tracing the material supply chain through their own material tracking platform and conserving forests by replacing viscose with "next generation fibers".

Most of the information they provide is fully meaningless corporate speak and should be taken with the biggest bucket of salt, so let's ask some questions.

DO THEY PROVIDE SPECIFIC DATA ABOUT THEIR PRODUCTION? Surprisingly Shein is much more transparent than I expected. (Though of course the info is in different website than where the average consumer would go.) Shein hasn't taken the standard route, which is to provide as little information as possible, and keeping it vague too, se they could just keep feigning ignorance. As I said, I think it's pretty clear they are providing this much information because their reputation is so bad. Their lack of transparency has been taken as an admission of guilt, so it's not working anymore, and they have taken a new approach into maintaining their plausible deniability. In their website, they provide a sustainability report from years 2021 and 2022. I took a look at the latest one. In it there's a lot of fluff, but they show actual numbers of how many code of conduct violations have been found in audits to supplier facilities, the carbon emissions of their supply chain and the amounts of different fabrics they have used during 2022. That's not nothing, so we have a relatively good start here.

WHO DID THE RESEARCH? The research is not at all independent, but done in-house. They have all the financial incentives to cherry-pick and frame their research in a way that shows them in the best possible light, even if we assumed they would not tamper with their own evidence, which I don't think we can fully assume either. There's an attempt though to convince us to believe the data they are showing:

"We have reported with reference to the Global Reporting Initiative (GRI) 2021 standard for certain sections of this report. Selected information in this report was assured, to the limited assurance standard, by an external independent assurer as per ISAE 3000."

Emphasis by me. So even if they did the research themselves, they did get it independently audited to get an assurance that they did follow the GRI standards in their reporting and that it doesn't contain lies. However, the "certain sections" and "selected information" with "limited assurance" does not give me much assurance, in fact, my assurance is very limited. To understand what does this actually mean, I did a bit of googling and delved into the annex of the report.

ISAE 3000 is a standard for auditing financial information issued by International Auditing and Assurance Standards Board, which an independent body that has governmental oversight. Financial information can get either reasonable assurance or limited assurance. Reasonable assurance is the most assurance this standard allows. Limited assurance is given, if the information provided to the assurer, time or extent of the procedure is lacking, but from those limited resources the assurer doesn't find anything that suggests "the subject matter information is materially misstated" aka that the company is lying. GRI is the most used reporting standard for sustainability for businesses and other organizations. I'm a bit suspicious of how effective their standards are, if they are most widely used, since most companies are absolutely terrible about sustainability yet they all claim they are great with it. So I decided to check who is in the board. Unsurprisingly it's mostly representatives of massive corporations, including Coca Cola and DuPond, a professor of accounting, national research director of Australia's Mining and Energy Union and one (1) environmental scientist.

The annex revealed quite interesting details. The only information that was AssuredTM (in a limited manner) for accurate information was the data on Shein's emissions and that of code of conduct violations. Only the report on emissions was AssuredTM (in a limited manner) to follow GRI standards. Shein got to select and prepare the relevant data for the audition, which was according to it, lacking. Crucially the audition report states that they didn't verify the results of supply audits or any potential violations of labor law found in them, rather they just checked that the math on the grading of the audits matched with Shein's stated criteria and that they actually did the audits. So if you really think about it, the (limited) assurance is that they graded themselves like they promised they would, not that their reporting of the amounts of violated labor laws or even just their own code of conduct was accurate. Additionally assurance of the accuracy of the emissions was only of Shein's own facilities, which do not produce any of their products, but not of their supply chain. 99,7% of their emissions come from their supply chain. So keep all this in mind when we look at the data itself.

WHAT ARE THEIR CARBON EMISSIONS AND HOW ARE THEY CALCULATED? Shein's emissions were 9,17 million tonnes of CO2, or 9,22 million tonnes if we don't count them purchasing Renewable Energy Credits. To put it into perspective that would be around 7-0,3% of the estimation of the annual emissions of the whole textile industry. Now that would be pretty low. In fact, suspiciously low. The fact that they got their own emissions auditioned, but not the emissions of their supply chain, suggests to me that perhaps, their numbers don't hold up to scrutiny. They also don't disclose their methodology for the numbers of the supply chain, like they do with their own facilities. Of course their response would be to say it's so much easier for them to calculate their own emissions than their suppliers. But I say that's not a bug, that's a feature.

Though looking at the methodology of the emissions from their own operating sites, which includes warehouses and offices, they don't take into account at all any emissions from building anything. They grew massively between 2021 and 2022 and I find it hard to believe they didn't built any of the new offices or warehouses they gained. Certainly they would have bought a lot of new equipment even if they moved to existing buildings. But none of this is taken into account in their calculations. And I must assume, it's not taken into account in their supply chain calculations either.

Even if we took them at their word, by their own admission, their carbon emissions have grown from 2021 to 2022 52%, which is alarming. (Interestingly they use the 2021 numbers in their actual website, which I think is so misleading that it's basically a lie.) They write it off as just side effect of their massive growth in production volume, which had 57% increase during the same time frame.

"We are at the beginning of our mitigation journey and began implementing decarbonization programs at the end of fiscal year 2022."

So they first scale their business as fast as they can, having absolutely no care of the environmental effect, so that when they have massive market share, and they reduce their massive emissions slightly, they can be like "oh look we did something!" They can then moan and wail how hard and time consuming it is to reduce the emissions of an existing supply chain, when they were the ones who decided to not take that into account from the start. Their "science based goal" (which they repeatedly stress in their website) is to reduce their emissions 25% by 2023. It's nothing. Less than nothing. They scaled without care their production in a time, when our ecology is collapsing, and then they claim that it's just science we possibly can't do anything about it. Apparently it's a natural law that they just have to make more and more money, like gravity.

WHAT MATERIALS DO THEY USE? Last year 64% of Shein's clothing (measured in weight) was polyester. Production of polyester is estimated to count for 40% of all carbon emissions of the textile industry. It's also a plastic made out of oil, so we have to take into account the fracking and refinement of oil and the eventual release of the CO2 from the oil that would have been secured in the ground otherwise. This most certainly is not counted into the supply chain emissions. Shein loves to pay lip service to the idea of circular economy, but they don't actually think about it. Because if they did, they would have taken into account the microplastics polyester fabric sheds when it's washed. When microplastics get into the soil and freshwater, they get into the organs of animals, including us, and they don't easily come off. Already it has been shown that they have led to the decrease of small soil fauna, which are very important for the fertility of the soil. Over time microplastics also break down further into nanoplastics. There's already evidence of nanoplastics being small enough to pass through veins into the brain, and that causing behavioral changes in fish. We don't know the long term consequences off this micro and nano plastic pollution yet, and we're just seeing the effects they have on small animals, but as they built up over years and decades inside our organs, we well likely see much larger effects.

Important for the lifecycle thinking is not just focusing on how much burden the production puts on the environment, but also how long it lasts and how can it be reused and eventually the impact of the end of it's lifecycle. If you remember from the beginning, Shein claims to take all this into account by having a resale program, somewhere in the future establishing a recycling program for unusable old clothes and increasing their share of recycled polyester. This is nothing. Again it's less than nothing. Polyester is not only bad fabric because of the things I've already said, but it's also just as a material for clothing very weak. It's not warm or breathable, which makes it at the same time sweaty and cold. It has no anti-bacterial qualities at all (which basically all natural fabrics have at least to small extent), so when you get easily sweaty in it, it starts also smelling very easily, and so needs washing very often. On top of washing releasing microplastics, it also weakens the fabric, because polyester gets weaker when wet (unlike plant fibers, like cotton and linen, which get stronger when wet). Polyester is also very hard to dye effectively and has bad color retaining properties, so it needs chemical treatments and strong industrial dyes, all of which adds to it's carbon footprint. Bad color retaining properties though also mean it looses it's color quite easily when washed. All of this makes it's life span significantly shorter than natural fabrics. I mean with some natural fabrics like wool and silk we are talking about multiple decades, with polyester it's easily in the low one digit years. These are inherent issues with polyester, but Shein clothes have repeatedly got complaints of their poor quality in general. This makes the resale program frankly meaningless.

On the surface the recycling program for polyester sounds good, right? You don't have to use more oil and use as much energy in making of it (according to Shein themselves, which again not a trustworthy source, it saves up to 70% emissions). Shein has promised to increase their share of recycled polyester to 31% of their polyester usage by 2030. Currently less than 1% of their production is recycled polyester. This is however a terrible solution. It still sheds microplastics and it's even worse as a fabric than virgin polyester. It is weaker and stiffer, making it impossible to use on it's own in fabric but when mixed with other fibers in a fabric significantly shortens it's life span. When we take into account the lifecycle of a clothing, the length of it and it's lifetime emissions become much more important than the production emissions. If you have to produce from scratch new clothing three times, in the time you could be using another clothing, it doesn't really matter if the emissions during the production were somewhat lower. (There's little reliable and comparable data available on production emissions of different fabrics, so I don't know how exactly recycled polyester compares to different natural fabrics.) Especially when we take into account the consumer use emissions, which in the case of polyester are 30% of it's lifetime emissions. And wast majority of it comes from washing, which you have to do more with polyester (how much more depends on what fabric you compere it to). Any responsible disposal of polyester at the end of it's lifecycle, especially any attempts at recycling it, cause additional emissions, unlike with natural fibers, which naturally degrade.

WHERE ARE THE SUPPLIERS? Shein boasts having fully integrated digital supply chain and with it they can track the whole supply chain of individual product. However they don't reveal any of that information publicly. Or rather only thing we know is that their factories making the end products are in China. But the question is, where does their fabrics come from? There's no countries listed in their report in any capacity and none of their products have any information of their origins nor the origins of the fabrics. This is very suspicious in my opinion. We can get no indication on how fibers might have been produced and made into fabric from the labor and environmental laws and practices of different countries. However, there is an interesting bit in the report about cotton:

"For cotton products, to further enhance our compliance with US laws, we request that our manufacturing suppliers only source cotton from Australia, Brazil, India, the United States and other approved regions."

This sentence is there pretty obviously because they have been caught selling clothing with cotton grown in Xinjiang in US markets, which US has banned. This is because Xinjiang, the Autonomous Uighur region, where 90% of China's raw cotton is grown, has been accused of genocidal oppression of the Uighur population, including having massive forced labour camps for Uighurs. Because of the police state nature of Xinjiang, there's no reliable numbers on how much of the cotton is produced with forced labour, but presumably most of it. Moreover, China limits the imports of cotton, which is why only 20% of cotton used by the textile industry in China is imported. Shein claims they know exactly where their fabrics come from, but the wording of the sentence above makes it clear they don't even plan on enforcing any policy to use imported cotton by their suppliers. Cotton is just 10% of fabric they used last year, but given their massive production volume, it's still a lot. This gets us to our next question.

IS THERE PROOF OF GOOD WORKING CONDITIONS? Shein reports doing in total 2 812 audits into 1 941 of their 5 400 contract manufacturers. According to them it accounted for 84% of their Shein branded products (so not their other 10 brands). This information, if you remember, was given limited assurance, by the audition into their numbers. However, we are to trust Shein alone that their the reports of their auditions are accurate. I'm not really willing to trust them, but let's sustain our disbelief for a moment to look at their findings. From their report:

"A: 90 points and above: minor flaws. Continued improvement is advised. B: 75 to 90 points: some general risks. Continued improvement is advised. C: 60 to 75 points: 1-3 major risks. Corrective action is required. D: below 60 points: >3 major risks. Corrective action is required. ZTV: Zero Tolerance Violation detetected. Immediate corrective action is required."

Even without knowing what do these things mean in practice, I don't think this paints a pretty picture. Only 4% of their manufacturing facilities had minor flaws and 82% of their facilities have major risks or worse? Does that mean none of their manufacturers fully comply with their Code of Conduct? They try to make it sound like it looks this bad because they have tightened their criteria and still the numbers are better than last year, but even with all of that, this is imo unacceptable. But it gets worse.

The report shows the amount of each ZTV found in the audits. This was explicitly not assured in any way by an independent party, so considering this information is given despite the lack of oversight and the interests of Shein, it's grim. Most of the 11% of ZTVs were gross safety violations. For example 4,2% of the audits, which means 118 facilities, found lacking emergency exits. However, they also found child labour in 6 facilities and forced labour in 3 facilities. So according to their own reporting, their manufacturers have used child labour and forced labour. And just to remind you, this is covering just 36% of their contract manufacturers. What I found interesting (read disturbing), was that violence or sexual misconduct against workers were not among Zero Tolerance Violations. I know it's not a situation, where they don't consider it violation of Code of Conduct, but rather just calls the police and let them handle it, because the violations counted here are based on their CoC, in which there's an item 7 named "No harassment or abuse of employees", which explicitly forbids physical, sexual, mental and verbal abuse. They don't however reveal other definitions of violations, than ZTVs, nor do their reveal how are they graded, so there's really no way to know what the 71% of their manufacturers have done to warrant their low (C or D) grading.

Would you at this point be surprised, if I told you it gets worse? Yeah, their so called Zero Tolerance Violations are not very zero tolerance after all. You might think zero tolerance means, that if manufacturers are caught doing it, their contract is immediately terminated and they are reported to authorities? Well, let's look what is the "immediate corrective action" outlined in their Responsible Sourcing Policy. Among the ZTVs they define even more zero tolerance violations, let's say negative tolerance violations. These are 1. forging documents, bribery or refusing to get assessed 2. child labour and 3. forced labour. Surely these lead to immediate contract termination and reporting to authorities?

So if Shein encounters slavery or probable coverup of it in their facilities, they stop placing new orders until the enslaved people and children are taken somewhere else or otherwise their contracts are fixed (at least for now), so there's no more slavery in sight, when someone comes back to assess them again and decides it's all good to continue business as usual. They have 30 days to make everything look like there's no issues, which sounds pretty easy task, and after that they can grab the kids and the slaves back there like nothing happened. Also notice how they didn't say they demand stopping the work entirely in the facility, just that they'll stop placing orders? Yeah, they don't stop production even if they find literal children or enslaved people producing them. Gotta get those dresses to the customer.

If they find any other ZTV, they come back in 30 days, and if the violation continues, they give a warning, come back again in 30 days, and if still the issue is there, then they stop placing orders. After that it continues like with child or forced labour violations. If after another 30 days it's not fixed, the contract is terminated. If a supplier gets two ZTVs within two years, they go straight to the even less than zero tolerance model straight away. If they get three ZTVs in two years, then their contract is immediately terminated. Nothing different happens though, if you get caught doing child or forced labour two times in two years, so you can just get caught once a year as long as you always pretend to stop doing it. But even if you do get caught third time in two years, or fail to pretend you fixed it, it's fine, you'll just have to do other stuff for the next year, and then you can apply again to work with Shien. Also the policy does not at any point require reporting these alleged crimes to authorities. If they at some point stop placing orders for a supplier (for example because of child or forced labour), they have to just sent all the files and documents of the goods that are produced by that supplier during the time they aren't giving them new orders to the relevant tax and customs authorities.

To answer the question I started this section with, sounds like Shein provides more evidence of bad working conditions in their suppliers' facilities, than they provide evidence of good working conditions. They even give evidence that their monitoring of those conditions is just a joke, and they have no mechanisms to actually get rid of suppliers who have inhumane working conditions. Elsewhere they try to give very weak evidence of good working conditions. The influencer brand trip to their facility in China was a PR stunt like that. However, it's easily dismissable, as the facility was not at one of the factories, where their clothing is made, all of which are third parties, but Shien's own facility they call Innovation Center. There they innovate new technologies, train their suppliers to use their new technologies and consult their suppliers on how to make new factories, which I assume means they have factory templates to give to their suppliers.

However, independent sources give much more reliable evidence of terrible working conditions in their factories. Like when undercover operation into one of their factories found employees working 18 hours a day earning 2 cents per item. When asked for comment, they answered: "Any non-compliance with this code is dealt with swiftly, and we will terminate partnerships that do not meet our standards." This is not severe ZTV, so what they mean by "dealt with swiftly" is "told to stop breaking labour laws, given some time, given warning, given more time, stopped giving new orders, given even more time and if after three months they have not stop then they gotta go". Because yes, they do terminate those who don't meet their standards. Their standards are just in the gutter.

HOW IS THE COMPANY STRUCTURED? While falling down this rabbit hole I came to the realization that Shein is the Uber of fashion. It's just the gig economy all over again. Let me explain. Unlike traditional fashion companies, Shein has outsourced even the sewing of the clothing. Shein itself is an app company, like Uber, though they technically do design their own clothes. I say technically because they have been repeatedly accused of copyright infringement to the point where they are now sued for racketeering. Allegation from the lawsuit:

"Shein has grown rich by committing individual infringements over and over again, as part of a long and continuous pattern of racketeering, which shows no sign of abating."

It relates to the other reason why I say their only technically design too, because a huge amount of their designs are also outsourced. In their sustainability report, they boast about how their SHEIN X program is meant to "empower" young designers to get their business off the ground, by taking their designs and using them for their clothing productions. This sounds a lot like SHEIN X designers are gig workers. They are basically just designers for Shein, but oh no they are not workers, labour laws won't apply! Shein specifically targets young designers, even students, so it's clear that they really just want impressionable people desperate for money and work experience. Obviously they won't get much money for their designs, since there's such a massive flood of products and designers, Shein says they have 3 000 designers in SHEIN X, and the products are so, so cheep. It's the exact same thing as with Uber and the like, they put their "workers" into competition with each other. To tie it back to the lawsuit, they use these third party designers as fodder against accusations of copyright infringement. They did not steal the design from the independent artist, they are just the platform provider.

This is also exactly how they operate with their factories. When their massive production is spread across all the 5 400 small separate suppliers, they are forced to compete for scraps. They can't organize together to demand better pay or better working conditions, and Shein can act like they have no part in them. Moreover, due to their extremely low prices, Shein has to offer only really low rates for the production of their clothing. On top of that because of the contractor structure, the actual fanctory owners taken an extra cut from those low rates, leaving extremely little for the actual workers. The prices are so low, they demand inhumane working conditions. It's impossible to sell clothing in the prices Shein does and pay well for the workers, especially with their business structure. All the talk about technological innovation is also bullshit, because this gig economy competition model ensures that most of the gig workers (in this case factories) will stay poor, so they can hardly invest in the new technologies.

This model is also what Shein holds as their most significant sustainability claim, because it allows them to cut most inventory waste. Traditional fashion companies always have a significant overhead, because their supply must always be higher than demand, otherwise, they would loose customers to their competitors. Because Shein orders small batches from large amount of factories, they can change their production in real time, adjusting to the demand much quicker than any competitor. Yes, it means they have minimal inventory loss, but it's not actually efficient. Or rather not efficient in any other way than for maximizing profits. There is a massive amount of overlap of facilities, machinery, organization structures and bureaucracy, if we look at Shein's whole production, because the small factories are all producing same things, but because Shein drives them to compete with each other, they don't have to pay for that overlap. More than that, it's extremely inefficient way to maximize people getting clothed while minimizing materials. And I don't mean producing as much clothes as possible while minimizing materials, because that is what they are doing, but the goal shouldn't be as much clothes as possible, but maximizing everyone having enough clothing, which is much less that what we produce today. And if clothing was made to last instead of making as many of them as possible, even less could be made and still everyone would have enough clothes.

Shein's extremely quick rise to the top of fashion markets was due to how effectively they managed to use the pandemic for their advantage. During the lock-downs around the world, people spend increasingly more time on their phones and social media, which Shein managed turn into their profit. They utilize social media and influencers effectively for marketing. Their platform also uses many of the same psychological tricks social media uses to keep customers scrolling and consuming. This is on itself is not at all new, but because of their business model, they turned attention into sales and sales into more attention. All that combined with their ability to response in real time to new trends and scale production extremely quickly, turned any new trend in social media into hype and micro-fashion cycles, which they would burn through increasingly fast. Their competitors wouldn't even have the time to get into that trend before it would be replaced with a new trend. Then all they needed to do was to contract new small factories, they didn't even have to spend time and money to built them, and they could take over the fast fashion market.

Shein's effect won't stop there though. Their competitors will and are already starting to adapt their methods. It means quality of clothing will keep getting worse, the whole industry will keep increasing their carbon emissions and the working conditions from cotton farmers to designers will get worse as gig economy spreads in the industry. I'll talk more about this in the conclusions of the second part, but to fix this, there needs to be government intervention. It's good that there's a lawsuit over their wider practices, not just a singular act, but it won't be enough. If they don't face significant consequences, every other company will take note that they can profit off of (allegedly) systematic crimes.

IN CONCLUSION Shein as a company is a glorified optimization algorithm which only real function is to drive up consumption and in exchange take all the profits from everyone else's labour. They use the modern classic Uber model to take the neoliberal principle of outsourcing risks and responsibilities to it's logical conclusion. Their extremely exploitative business model only works if their designers and factories and other gig workers break laws. They do the absolute bare minimum to comply with law and (allegedly) not even that when they believe they can get away with it by blaming others, which is fucking bad indictment of those laws, since my god they are terrible. Their greenwashing propaganda is honestly laughable, it's a joke and they must know it. It feels more like gaslighting than propaganda.

#this is not exactly what i usually write about but one of the reasons i care about historical fashion is because i care about sustainability #fashion #sustainable fashion #environment #climate crisis #shein #fashion industry #shein clothes #fast fashion #slavery mentioned #genocide mentioned

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perfectimaginary · 7 months

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I wanna be with you everywhere.

Pairing: mingyu x reader

Tags: fluff, cute!mingyu

Summary: café AU where you have a little crush on Mingyu (so is him)

w/c: 1.4K

a/n: I thought about this while listening to Everywhere by Fleetwood Mac so enjoy reading while listening to it too! And let me know if you liked it or not I would love to know <3

Can you hear me calling out your name?

You know that I'm falling and I don't know what to say?

I’ll speak a little louder, I’ll even shout

You know that I’m proud and I can’t get the words out

The air feels different this morning, it's gotten colder these past weeks, autumn started to feel like it and If Mingyu didn’t make the decision to grab that hoodie before leaving he would be freezing. And so, just like every morning, before going to his usual classes, he entered the same café he went to for the past months, even if he wasn’t very fond of their coffee he could at least have a glimpse of you.

Oh right. How could he forget you?

He remembered it all too well, the first time the bells chimed above your head and saw you, he thought that you might be the cutest person he’s ever seen. He could describe in detail the exact sundress you wore that day, this little pink dress he swears. He never saw someone wearing it better than you did.

You had that effect of walking in and the people around you smiled instantly, you were like a warm hug during a cold winter night, by simply smiling and making everyone's day just a little bit easier. He knew it just by the smile you gave every morning to the waitress and since this moment, he hadn’t stopped thinking about you, and every morning he looked forward to seeing you, even if he wasn’t very cautious about it.

Oh, I

I want to be with you everywhere

Oh, I

I want to be you everywhere

(Wanna be with you everywhere)

And you knew it, because you did the same. How was it possible to not look at him? He looked effortlessly good every time you caught a glimpse of him, you were pretending to be engrossed in your book but truly you didn’t read a single word that was in.

Every now and then, between pages you looked up and saw him peeking at you so you smiled, and god he was beautiful. And every morning for the past months you had the same routine, waking up and taking much longer in the shower, putting a little more effort in your makeup and outfit wondering if he would like it. And of course he liked it, he loved the way you matched your earrings with your makeup and every morning he would ask himself which color you were going to wear today.

Something’s happening, happening to me

My friends say I’m acting peculiarly

Come along, baby, we better make a start

You better make it soon before you break my heart

Exams were coming sooner than you expected, nights were getting shorter and the stress was growing quicker than you thought. One morning you forgot your book at the café, and obviously, it was Mingyu who picked it up. He was so stressed about it that he couldn’t sleep that night, asking himself if he should have run to you that morning to give it back to you.

The next day, Mingyu watched as you trekked through the café, strands hanging around your face and your attempt to cover your exhaustion with makeup, wearing more casual clothes than usual. He saw you asking the waitress about your book and he immediately felt guilty, so when he jogged towards you with it in hands you almost cried in his arms. But you were so grateful he gave it back to you that you had to buy him coffee, how convenient it was for the both of you, even if he didn’t like coffee that much he kept drinking it anyway, slowly, so he could take his time listening to you talked about how stressful this whole situation was for you, losing your book the day before the exam, and so he listened.

Oh, I

I want to be with you everywhere

Oh, I

I want to be you everywhere

(Wanna be with you everywhere)

It soon became a routine, every morning he would wait for you in front of the café so he could open the front door for you and get a few more minutes by your side. Even if it was raining, he didn’t care. You talked so much, and he loved it. Every little detail that he could learn about you was so special for him, you went to your favorite italian restaurant last night? He would write the name so he could take you on a date. You loved a book? He would read it to talk about it with you next time. And everytime he does it you fall a little harder.

Days turned into weeks, weeks into months, you became friends so easily, having so much in common but at the same time being so different, like how he would love to take photos of you and you laughed because you said that you didn’t like yourself in photos and he told you how beautiful you were. You sank a little bit more.

And when he finally asked you on a date on a Tuesday morning, sun peeking through the windows of the café, the only day of the week where the rain wasn’t pouring hard. ‘Date?’ was written in a caramel macchiato made by your favorite waitress who was more than excited to do this when Mingyu asked for it in secret to surprise you. And when you said yes he was so excited that he spilled half of the drink on the table and you laughed so much it hurt your cheeks the whole day.

Can you hear me calling out your name?

You know that I'm falling and I don't know what to say

Come along, baby, we better make a start

You better make it soon before you break my heart

And when Saturday came, dressed in your little pink dress he loved so much, he bought you your favorite flowers, white lilies. Because of course, he would remember it, why wouldn’t he? And he took you to his favorite restaurant saying next time he would love going to your favorite one too since he loved Italian food too. The night went too fast to your liking, and so was for him.

How easy it was for you to just tell everything that came to your mind without feeling too much for him, how easy it was to just be yourself without worrying if he was bored of you and, of course he wasn’t. He would look at you so thoroughly even when you say the silliest thing that came to your mind, he was so much. So much more than just a simple crush you had on a man you met in a little café. He was maybe too much for you. Too tall, too large, talked too fast, too handsome. And god how exciting this was. You loved it so much more than you expected it, every minute spent with him, every message exchanged between the two of you at night telling each other’s day. When it went bad or good, or both.

He was so deeply in love with you he thought that he might lose his mind, the way your eyes sparkled when you're talking about something you love, or how you pick at your bread during dinner when you talked about how stressful your exams were. And he swears he never met anyone as funny as you. You're so gentle and caring that he thought his heart might explode even the way you lean on the table to hear what he said, how attractive you were.

The end of the dinner results in you both taking a stroll in the midst of the late hours of the night, heart pondering with the wind whistling to fill the silence between the two of you. It wasn’t bad though. Just the two of you, hands brushing and cheeks blushing. Neither of you tried to do more and it was fine. Talking about how good of a night it was and how you loved it when he almost dropped the plate on the waiter, and how he loved your dress, telling you the first time he saw you with it and that it was at this moment he had a crush on you and you laughed, taking his hand in yours. You had so much time together from now on and the night had only started.

Oh I

I wanna be with you everywhere

Oh I

I wanna be with you everywhere

Oh I

I wanna be with you everywhere

Oh I

I wanna be with you everywhere

(I wanna be with you everywhere)

#kim mingyu #mingyu x reader #mingyu x you #svt fluff #seventeen #seventeen fanfic #café au #mingyu fluff #mingyu #mingoo #pure fluff #seventeen fluff #svt kim mingyu

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anistarrose · 3 months

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So I have only my two cents to give on the "curing disabilities in fantasy/sci-fi stories" trope, as just one disabled person among many disabled people, but here are my two cents nonetheless.

One defense of the trope is that it's simply a form of escapism, and moreover, a fantasy that disabled people themselves can quite reasonably find joy in — as a feel-good story, a break from all the pain of real life. Many — not all by a long shot, but many — of us would jump at the chance for a cure, after all, and it's not like we're not valid to do so. Lots of us take pride in being disabled, but nevertheless, sometimes it really fucking sucks.

The counterargument to the above is this: that this isn't a realistic trope, and that particularly in combination with the suffocating frequency that this trope is used, this becomes the opposite of a hopeful fantasy. When you have an incurable condition, and the only happy endings you see represented for people like you in fiction are inevitably only achieved once the characters stop being like you — that can be indescribably upsetting.

Disabled characters do not get happy endings while remaining disabled — and fiction is fiction and all, but I'm not going to pretend like this doesn't have gradual, accumulative real-life effects on the amount of effort people/society are willing to put into accessibility and acceptance, because of beliefs like "aren't you going to be cured someday anyway?" Or "isn't this disability just going to stop existing, someday? one way or another?"

I hope I don't have to explain how damaging it is to think the above way, or to imagine a future where disability doesn't exist. (Yes, even though disability is partially socially constructed. That's a load-bearing "partially".)

So, if you couldn't tell, I do generally relate a lot more to the harsher, more critical view of this trope — but I certainly don't want to judge actual disabled people for writing it either (and especially not people with progressive conditions), not when there is genuine catharsis and escapist joy that can be wrung from it. I obviously don't trust non-disabled folks with writing "cure" stories any further than I could throw them, due to a long fucking history of non-disabled people fucking it up — but also, no one should be forced to reveal personal details, let alone medical history, to justify their choice to write something.

This is the paradox that I am willing to come to terms with, by throwing up my hands and saying, "okay, so some of the time I sure don't like it, but it's technically none of my business."

That said: if you're non-disabled, or you're writing about a disability much different from your own (a physical disability when you're autistic, for example), and you want to write an escapist feel-good story featuring disabled characters: I also want to stress that "escapist themes" versus "no one's disability gets cured ever" is very much a false binary. You can have both.

I've never written a "curing a disability" story. But I've both written and enjoyed some extremely escapist, unashamedly hopeful stories revolving around disabled characters — and it's all about accommodation.

A story of any genre where society is more accepting of — and willing to collectively help care for — chronic illnesses and chronic pain? That's escapist, and if it's something that characters once fought tooth and nail for, it's pretty damn cathartic. A fantasy or sci-fi story where medicines are still required to treat a condition, but the medicines are more accessible, more effective, et cetera, may also be escapist depending on the context.

Fantasy service animals, high-tech service robots, magical or indistinguishable-from-magic mobility devices? They're all possibly escapist too. (Just note that a lot of disabled people may still maintain a personal preference for seeing the "real world" versions, and that's that's also perfectly reasonable. Remember that the gripe with the original trope has a lot to do with a lack of variety in representation, justified by arbitrary rules about how fantasy/sci-fi "should" look, and the goal should be not to replicate that.)

So, in conclusion: if you find yourself writing a disabled character, and want to give them a happy ending, I urge you not to jump to "their disability is cured now" without at least thinking through the alternatives. Do your research regardless, and accept that disabled people will likely have a wide range of opinions on whatever you decide to go with — but accept that disabilities themselves are varied, and should not inherently have to consign either characters or real human beings to tragic lives by their mere existence.

#disability #ableism #long post #honestly i could tag toh here but i won't #(especially because the ableism in that fandom has calmed down since the peak in s2a - at least as far as i've observed)

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swinging-stars-from-satellites · 2 months

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ok new prayer request: i really don't like my job. it's basically three jobs run out of the same shop, and I am only barely making miminum wage. it's frustrating and stresses me out so bad that I keep getting headaches, which NEVER happened this much before. the reason I'm here is because it is literally the ONLY place I applied that gave me the time of day, and because my boss and manager and coworkers are super nice.

I want a different job. something that maybe I'm not doing three(3) different jobs and only barely getting paid for one(1). maybe something that's just ONE SINGULAR JOB that I can be confident in instead of feeling like I'm constantly juggling things running around like a chicken with its head cut off. I also want to move. I want to get out of my parents' house and out of this tiny little two-horse town. I'd like to try and chip away at my ambitions and I just can't do that here, no matter how much my parents try to convince me I could have a small career here and stay in this town. I don't want to. I want to move.

the camp that my church has done retreats at is hiring for this summer. I'd make just about the same or possibly a little more working there than I do at my job currently for the same amount of time. and it's something I would LIKE to do. it's something that wouldn't make me so frustrated or anxious I believe and it also includes the opportunity to learn some higher-level production technology and possibly a connection to a major regional production company, which is the industry I want to work in.

I have two main hangups right now:

number one, the big one, is that for the last several months, for a while honestly, I've been struggling with some thought patterns and temptations that are sinful and wrong which I keep slipping back into those thoughts, letting my mind and imagination have the reins, and the habits that fuel this sin. I won't go into a ton of detail but some of my mutuals know a little. I'm working on it, but I have repeatedly messed up and turned back to these habits and that makes me feel like I shouldn't work at a Christian camp, since I'm struggling with (in my mind) a fairly major sin issue. however the camp's belief statement does mention the importance and value of repentance and growth, so there is that

the second issue is that I would feel SO bad for leaving my current job. I've only been here 6 months and everyone has been so kind to me and my manager is having a lot of family and personal issues and I would feel guilty for leaving so soon.

but I have this opportunity, which could be a REALLY good opportunity in many ways and would be something that I find PURPOSE in instead of just getting through the day. I'm praying on it, and I'm praying on my sin issues of the last half-year, but I would like to ask for additional prayer here on all these counts, too. I have confessed (mainly to people I trust here, since it's stuff I don't want to discuss with my mom lol) and repented but I have slipped and backsliding repeatedly, literally up until this week. I do think that wanting this camp job is a good motivator for growth in this, though. i could just use wisdom and prayer and peace about all this as I try to figure out what to do. thanks 😅💖

#Lu rambles #prayer request #adulthood woes #sighhhhhhhh

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a-secret-inner-life · 4 months

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I came across a lot of stuff that I could relate to about autism while researching for a paper, which led me to do more research on autism in general. I saw some other people doing this type of post on here, so: autistic people, can you please read my super long and detailed list of possible symptoms I experience and tell me if it seems like I'm one of you? I'm trying to be objective and reasonable and figure out what's going on with myself here.

Sensory Stuff

I like to stim–bouncing my legs, tapping my feet when I sit, occasionally swinging my legs or rocking. I also clench my fists or sit on my hands a lot and tap my fingers on things, or just fiddle with whatever is in front of me. Recently, I count while touching my thumb to each of my fingertips to calm down because someone in a book I read did that and it actually does help me. I also sing the alphabet song repeatedly when I'm working on my website.

Sometimes when I'm very tired or overwhelmed my face feels itchy and I feel like every strand of hair touching me prickles and itches and leaves a red spot (but it doesn't actually).

I have a strong hatred for perfume because it smells too strong and fakey, and citrus scents also drive me nuts, but I really like scented candles.

I'm a super picky eater, although I'm not as bad as when I was a kid. I don't mind the taste of tomatoes, peppers, or onions in things, but I'm still a little grossed out when I know I'm eating them, and the texture of onions freaks me right out, as an example.

I get startled easily. Loud noises don't actually scare me, they just jolt me out of whatever thought space I was in before I heard them.

I also get overwhelmed whenever someone tries to talk to me in a loud car (whether it's loud with other people or just the engine), and I find it overwhelming and incredibly difficult to concentrate when more than one person is talking at once. Whenever I'm in a crowd, it just sounds like this vague roar that gets louder the more I think about it, which can sometimes be overwhelming. Still, I'm good at tuning some things out in select circumstances, like the TV when it's on.

Finally, if I pay attention at pretty much any time when there isn't a ton of other noise, I can hear ringing in my ears. This isn't usually upsetting, and I know it's fairly common for anyone to get tinnitus from time to time, but I'm not sure if most people experience it this much.

Social Stuff

I can not handle eye contact.

I'm also really, really, comically bad at social interactions. I almost never speak to someone I don't know well before they speak to me, and my go-to conversation method is to laugh/giggle and nod, I literally can not make actual conversation to save my life. Sometimes I think of things to say but it doesn't occur to me to say them, or I try to but I'm scared and can't find an opening, or I do say the thing and people don't react the way I want them to (usually it's either confusion or disinterest).

Old ladies are my favorite people because they're the least scary somehow. I also love kids, but I'm still awkward so I rarely interact and probably still freak them out.

I'm horrible at keeping contact and I wait until I know people are offline to reply to their messages because conversation is stressful and I need time to think when I text. Group chats are a nightmare, so I pretty much ghost everyone when I'm in one.

I'm super attached to my family, though. I make an effort to create a deep bond with each of my siblings, and I'm the clingiest person in the world when it comes to my older sister.

I value people very deeply, which might be why I find them so intimidating. I love them and I want them to be happy, and I put too much pressure on the situation.

I used to hate being alone, and I still feel guilty or sad whenever I spend too much time by myself, although I actually love to be by myself, a lot of my hobbies and favorite places are solitary, and I usually prefer figuring things out on my own rather than having somebody right there trying to figure it out with me.

I'm incredibly empathetic. It's not like I can automatically sense people's emotions, but I do make an effort to pay attention and understand what they're feeling and why they feel that way. My siblings come and rant to me a lot, and I can be a good diplomat and see both points of view when they argue. I also care, and I always want to make people feel better, though it obviously doesn't always work. Sometimes I'm too empathetic, or maybe too creative, and I stress out about what someone might be feeling when I don't know if it's an actual issue or not.

Patterns and Stuff

I've always been good at remembering my parents’ phone numbers and our zip code, as well as my friends’ birthdays. I work at a grocery store where I find myself reciting the regular customers’ lottery numbers in my head as they're saying them to me.

My dad used to have a verbal checklist of what to bring to work each morning, and I still recite it every time I hear the words “wallet” and “keys” next to each other. Same goes for my old morning checklist that I don't even follow anymore.

I don't adhere to a strict routine in terms of the general structure of my day, but I definitely have a system or pattern for a lot of my specific activities.

Emotional Stuff

I've been obsessed with drawing and painting for as long as I can remember. I write all the time. I think I dedicated myself and a huge chunk of my life to my hobbies. If I like something, I like to think that I make it my own, and that thing permeates who I am.

When I first started listening to BTS, I scoured literally the entire Internet to find every possible hidden track any of the members ever touched, and there were A LOT. Lately I've been obsessed with Keeper of the Lost Cities, and I can't stop talking about the books. I'm also hyper fixated on Tomorrow X Together.

When I start something, I need to finish it, and I'll often think I'm so close to being done only to continue on it for several more hours, trying to hurry up and finish because I need to get it done now. I'm also pretty bad at switching tasks. I try to multitask, but it doesn't really work out.

I can easily forget about my own physical needs; particularly I don't usually realize when I'm hungry. Overall my needs are very flexible to the people around me; if you want to eat together, suddenly I'm hungry, if you don't feel like stopping, neither do I.

I'm a perfectionist, but I hate asking for help. This is especially true when it comes to my grades and my hobbies. I'm more comfortable when I can control the variables and nobody has to know if I fail.

I'm pretty sure I have executive dysfunction because I put so much pressure on doing things perfectly that I lose the motivation to do them at all, and as much as I need to get something done, I can't make myself do it.

Since I was little I've always been awkward and out of place. I feel like I take up too much space. Honestly, I feel like my existence is lame and embarrassing. I hate myself.

I absolutely suck at decision making, sometimes because I don't want to choose something that other people won't like and partially because I'm just really indecisive. Often I feel stuck or paralyzed because I can't choose one way or another.

Along those same lines, the responsibility of being told to do something for someone else is terrible, and I hate doing these things without incredibly specific instructions because I'm scared of messing up.

I also need to know exact details of whatever activity I'm doing before I do it, and I hate when something big isn't planned out in detail.

I used to have a lot of meltdowns as a child. I’d yell and cry and throw things when I was upset. This still happens sometimes, but not as frequently or as badly.

I feel guilty about everything, including mistakes from years ago that shouldn't matter anymore. This makes me feel sort of unworthy (?), like anything good I do is the bare minimum and if I cause a problem (through anxiety or executive dysfunction) that messes up a project, I feel like I have to do everything else perfectly to make up for it, although I usually end up feeling like I'm coddling myself instead.

I constantly compare myself to others. If someone else has a problem that's worse than what I deal with, I feel like I'm not allowed to have my own negative feelings.

I feel like none of my feelings are valid. I feel and think all sorts of dramatic things that seem like the end of the world, but compared to others, my problems are small, and I feel stupid for having them. I almost wish I had a bigger issue or more dangerous mental problems that would make my responses more reasonable, but my logical side knows that this thinking is wrong.

I've been dealing with off and on burnout since I was around twelve years old (so about five years). I've been told over and over that my mindset is wrong and I need to do a million things better mentally to be less of a perfectionist, but I don't have the energy to put in any effort whatsoever to fix myself. I still get random bursts of motivation that last for short periods of time, though.

Sometimes when I go to bed after a stressful day, I wake up in the morning and I have this uncontrollable dread about starting my day. The thought of getting up sounds impossible, and it's almost like there's something sitting in my chest keeping me down.

#am i autistic?#possible autism #possibly neurodivergent #possibly autistic #autism #actually autistic #autism in girls #neurodivergent #neurodiversity #neurospicy #autistic things

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pleaseeeimjustagirl · 4 months

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Building A Productive Routine And Being Consistent

It is officially 2024! This is my first self-improvement post of the year<3 I want to discuss routines and creating a productive routine. Routines are super important they help you build structure in your life, boost your self-confidence, and can help you achieve all of your goals for this year!

What are your goals?

♡ If you have not already written out your goals for the year I'm going to need you to do that whenever you have the time. Be realistic don't complicate or stress yourself out.

♡ Look at the habits that you have currently that are stopping you from achieving your goals. Be honest with yourself. For example, your goal is to read more self-help books this year but you have a habit of watching too much TV or scrolling on TikTok for hours on end.

♡ After writing down your goals and identifying your bad habits, it's time to select new habits that align with your goals.

♡ You need a nonnegotiable habit this year. For instance, if your objective is to lose weight, you may consider meal prepping or pilates workouts three times a week as a non-negotiable.

Time to build your routine

♡ A planner that I use is the Structured App. This app has so many amazing features that you can use to plan your week. You can also use Google Calendar or buy digital/physical planners online.

♡ It can be helpful to take a realistic approach when trying to incorporate new habits into your daily routine. Take a look at your current schedule, including your sleep and work or school schedule, and try to fit in your new habits accordingly. This can ensure that you can realistically commit to your new habits without overwhelming your existing schedule.

♡ It's a good idea to practice a new schedule by taking a day out of the week to try it out. If you decide to wake up at 5 am instead of 7 am, test it out and see if it works for you. You might find that you get more done waking up earlier. However, if it doesn't work, don't worry. You can swap out and change your routine as much as you need until you find what works best for you.

♡ If you realize that you have too many habits and no space to fit them into your schedule, you might need to prioritize and focus on the most important ones.

You should make time for...

♡ Sleep! I can not stress this enough you need to get a good amount of sleep daily. Sleep has so many benefits. You can read this article on sleep for more details

♡ Self-care. Incorporating self-care into your daily routine is very important. This can include taking care of your skin, grooming yourself, shaving, and other similar activities. Self-care is a nurturing act that you can do for yourself, so it's essential to prioritize taking care of yourself.

♡ Getting sunlight. Andrew Huberman is so popular right now and he recommends in the morning getting 10-15 minutes of sunlight. He says not only does this boost your mood but it will help you sleep better at night. For anyone who also deals with seasonal affective disorder, this is a tip I 100% recommend.

♡ Moving your body. Find what works for you. Just because you see your favorite YouTuber doing a HIIT workout as soon as she wakes up doesn't mean you will like it. Find different forms of exercise and do what you enjoy you might prefer yoga over running on the treadmill or walking over pilates.

♡ Journaling. I love to journal a new form of journaling I have been doing in the morning is gratitude journaling. Starting your day by writing about the things you are grateful for in your life will boost your mood. I talked about journaling in Shifting Your Mindset From Scarcity To Abundance This is a website I use for journal prompts and this is a gratitude journal you can purchase on Amazon.

What are you consuming daily?

You must know what content you are consuming daily. As humans we adapt the mindset and behaviors of those around us and the same is possible for the content you watch. I prefer to listen to podcasts, and I follow and watch YouTubers that relate to the woman I want to become.

How to stay consistent?

♡ Remember you are doing this for yourself. Like I said above create routines based on your life, schedule, and goals do not try and force yourself to be like someone else.

♡ Be realistic. Do not overwork yourself and put so much on your plate to the point you become overwhelmed.

♡ Be intentional. For example, when you have a 3-hour work block coming up soon, avoid watching Netflix or any other distracting activity, you might end up putting off your work block to finish what you are watching.

♡ Don't try to be perfect. When you try a new habit for the first time you probably won't be good at it but keep going results take time.

♡ Do not compare your routine to the next girl's routine everybody is different and what might work for her might not work for you.

♡ When you have negative thoughts, counter them with a positive one. For example, instead of thinking 'Ugh, I'm tired and I have to work out', you can counter that thought with 'Working out is good and will get me closer to my dream body'.

♡ Give grace. You won't be perfect because you're human, so it's important to understand that some days won't be the same. Sometimes, you'll have to change your routine, but through it all, give yourself grace.

I hope this will help you when you're trying to build a productive routine<3 Comment any other tips you may have as well! I am open to taking requests and questions. My messages are always open for you girliesss to chat with me <3

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homkamiro · 3 months

Note

I LOVE THE TF2 MLP AU SM. it gives me sm nostalgia to when i was a kid and i and everyone in the fandom made pony aus of franchises we liked- im so happy cringe is dead and tradition is alive 🥹

ALSO THE INFECTION AU POST. GOOD SHIT;!;!!!!!!!!!! gore and body horror are inseparable from (hopefully only the mature part of) the mlp fandom and i felt so giddy jumping for joy kicking my feet up seeing that it had a resurgence!! Your post of this au with your tf2 ponies was my introduction to it!!! Nature is healinggggg

That post is BOMB. WE GOT: 1) HEAVYMEDIC ANGST. 2) PYRO & ENGIE ANGST. 3) BOOTS & BOMBS ANGST. 4) DADSPY ANGST. 5) SNIPER ANGST. ITS GIVING💅🏽💅🏽💅🏽 and the way the disease spreads differently for all of them is so creative!!!!!! Engie wants to sever the infected body part but cant cus its on his back and he needs medics help for that (and med is way too far gone to do any operation), and scout doesn't want his wings severed even tho that would save him cus he still wants to fly!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

also soldier misinterpreting the request is so good. And pyro wanting to help but not being allowed to cus they'd try to burn engie. Demo drinking himself to death cus he cant handle seeing his friend in the state that he's in. Sniper disappearing cus he wants to be with his parents during this horrible time even tho they have a strained relationship. Spy wanting his son to live through this so much that he's planning to sever his wings himself. And heavyyyyyy. Heavy breaking his heart everyday still taking care of medic knowing he's going to have to kill the love of his life soon. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Anyways sorry for fuckin. Screaming in your asks and basically just repeating what you wrote sgjdjd. I just really love this au (and especially that comic with scout, medic and engie!!!) and the infection au post made me so nostalgic to the early days of the mlp fandom that the adhd went mental and i had to shout about it lol- feel free to not respond to this! Youre awesome! Keep doing you!!!!!!

(also youre really good at drawing gore????? Hello teach me pls)

WHAT A BIG FEEDBACK OHMYGODヽ⁠(⁠(⁠◎⁠д⁠◎⁠)⁠)⁠ゝ

Anyway I'm really super puper glad you liked my au!! I was a little hesitant to post it, since AU in AU sounds weird but I'm glad I thought otherwise - cringe culture should be dead!! Mix your hyperfixations it's good for your health!!!

AND AHHHHGGGGGH You noticed so many details thankyouuu🥺💗💗💗The best thing about this AU is that every ship and brotp can work so well in this story. Engie first helping Medic but then ending up being also infected??? Spy checking up on Engie and making him eat since he's too stressed to take a break??? Demo, Heavy and Pyro comforting each other after loosing their friends??? Spy and Scout both raging on Sniper for leaving like a coward??? Or maybe Heavy, as an earth pony, comforts Scout after he just got his wings amputated??? So many possibilities!!

Don't worry, I love when people are noticing all the details and just get,, really invested into my stuff, it really brings me joy and you made my day so much better!!🥺🥺I feel honestly a little insecure, since my pony designs and thoughts may not be the best, but I'm glad that so many people still like my mlp×tf2 stuff!! It's really endearing to know that finally something I like making is also likable to you!

About gore -- I have no idea😭I love gore but it's a pain to draw properly and scary, you'd need practice and references (I mostly use art references since yknow,,,real photos can make me sick)

#homa rambles #tf2 mlp au #okay so I actually think about making some infection au comics and stuff

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loving-strawberry · 11 months

Text

✶(Reversed)Breaking up prank goes wrong with Stray Kids✶(Hyung-Line)

Maknae-Line Disclaimer: This has nothing to do with the other post on my blog!

Summary: You take your boyfriend prank seriously.

It was a request!

A little note: Sorry, not sorry. I wanted to go with full angst post, but I didn't know how to compensate the pain, so two of them will end up good. Maknae line will be posted in a few days, split as well. I will not be doing part two for the angst endings. Also, I got too much into details to do simple hcs.

Genre: Angst, Fluff. (2 Happy endings, 2 sad endings)

Pairing: Bf!Skz x gn!reader

Warning: lot of swearing, actual break up, mention of food and drinks, mention of cheating, talking about insecurities and not being good enough, talking about not feeling loved, mention of slapping and hitting (?) Possibly some writing mistakes.

Bang Chan☆

Felix fault on this one, honestly.

He told Chan about this prank, and Chan somehow... decided that it will be a good plan.

So he put his plan in use when you were out shopping and saw you were pretty late.

You left your boyfriend a little note saying that you went to do groceries, so he knows where did you go as he arrives home. And you left a specific time when you get home, because you are never late, so saying specific hours are normal.

But unfortunately for you, as you were driving back home, you got stuck in traffic. And your phone didn't had any battery left, leaving you stressed out because you will be late home and you hate being late.

Chan got home some time now, and saw the note, so he was expecting you to be back soon. But when he saw that you are not back yet and you're not responding his messages, he grown a bit worried, but calmed down, knowing that you had a good reason to be late. Most likely being stuck in traffic. That's when the thought of a break up prank that Felix showed him recently popped up in his head. This was his perfect opportunity to do it, knowing you don't really mind pranks and some of them you find them funny.

One hour later, you finally came home, stressed up for being this late.

As you enter your house, you see Chan sitting on the couch. "Hi, love! I'm sorry for being this late! I got stuck in traffic..." you smile sweetly and walk over to him.

Chan is actually relieved that he was right and you are safe, just stuck in traffic. But now's the time to go on with his plan. "Are you sure that you were stuck in traffic?" he asks suspiciously.

Now you are looking at him like his third eye just grew on his forehead, confused on what was that all about. "Yeah? Why?"

"I was just thinking that you were cheating on me. So, tell me straight up. Who are you seeing behind my back?" he looks at you in all seriousness.

"Am I what now??? How low are you thinking of me???" now really angry and even more stressed, because you couldn't believe what you are hearing. You didn't ever gave Chan any reason to think that you are cheating on him, but here you are, your boyfriend accusing you of this.

Straight up ignoring you just questioned, he continues his idea "I think this is over between us. I can't believe you."

"Are you fucking serious??" you are trying your best to keep yourself from slapping him right now. That's when you see his small smirk on his face, you realize that it was just a prank. Usually, you don't mind his random pranks learned from Felix, but right now, you were super stressed because of your late arrival home and because of the traffic, that you really got mad at him.

"Ok. We are over. As you said. Go on and pack up your things and leave." you say coldly as you look at him.

Oh shit... He fucked up. Now his smirk fade away so fast. "I'm really sorry, my love! It was a prank!" he come closer to you, but you just turned and walked away without saying another word. Finally understanding that you need some space, he walks out the front door in an instant.

You are now in your shared bedroom, sobbing out all of your painful feelings, trying to process what just happened. That was just a prank, but it did hurt you pretty bad. Was just because of the stress? Were you just too dramatic? Now you are regretting taking it too seriously and hope there will be a way of making up for it.

After 30 minutes, Chan comes back home, and you get out of the bedroom, wanting to talk with him, but before you could say anything, he shows up and stops in front of you, having a big bouquet of your favorite flowers and a box of chocolate.

"I really want to apologize for that reckless prank. I understand if you don't want to see me again, I should've known that it was going to hurt you. And I didn't have to accuse you of cheating either, even as a joke. I'm really, really sorry. I don't why I thought it was funny. I-" as he continues to ramble and mutter apologies, you take the bouquet and box out of his hands and hug him tightly.

"It's ok, love. I was also overreacting... I was too stressed and let it out on you... We both know that I won't ever cheat and I know that you trust me. But please don't do a prank like this again. These ones can hurt." you kiss his cheek and smile softly at him.

"You didn't overreact, you were hurt. And I promise I won't pull these pranks on you again. I love you so much." hugging you tightly to his chest, he starts kissing your lips over and over again, happy that you are still his and you forgave him.

"I love you too."

Lee Minho☆

He knew from the start that this prank is a stupid plan

Then why he did the prank on you anyway? No idea

He just texted you that he wanted to meet with you so you could talk something

So now, there you are. Standing in the middle of your living room, waiting for Minho to speak. You could see on his face that something isn't right, this putting an unsettling feeling all over you.

As you were about to ask him if something is wrong, your boyfriend spoke one thing that was actually unexpected for you, making your heart drop in an instant. "We need to break up..." he doesn't even looks at you, already feeling guilty.

"Why...? Without any reasons?... Did I do something wrong..." you are trying to make eye contact with him, but he just won't look at you. This is making you feel even worse than a few seconds ago. Million of thoughts starts going in your mind like a spiral and you start fighting to keep your tears from spilling "It was my fault... Wasn't it...? Was I not enough for you, I knew it..."

Hearing this, Minho finally looks up to you and the feeling of guilt now became full regret, written all over his face as well. "No! No! Don't say that!! It was all a prank!" he tries to take you in his arms, but you shove him away.

"Prank...? Seriously...?" you back away from him, not wanting to be anywhere near the man who was supposed to be protect you and your feelings, not to play around with them.

"I-... I'm really sorry... I don't even know why I did this prank... I know it was a stupid idea..." Minho tries getting closer to you again, but you just keep backing away.

"Yeah. It was a stupid idea. And I think I know why you did it. You don't actually care about me. Because if you did, you won't pull something this stupid on me." kept looking at the floor, you finally letting go to the flow of tears.

"I do care about you... I'm extremely sorry... I love you" he stops moving seeing how you just keep the distance.

"Oh please. Keep the apologies to yourself. You shouldn't do it in the first place. You surely do love me." the last sentence that escape your lips was a sarcastic one and also filled with venom. So much venom, that made Minho's next words caught in his throat.

"Leave my apartment, now. We really are over."

Nodding and without any protests, he just turns on his heels and goes towards the door. You are unable to move as you just look at your now ex boyfriend exiting through the door in silence.

As soon as the door close behind him, you finally broke down sobbing, everything being poured out alongside with your tears and heart aching with so much pain. You are so confused as to why he did something like that as a joke. Was this simple for your feelings to be played as they just got played a few minutes ago? Did he even cared about you in the first place? Did he even loved you?

Because of that prank, everything that was left now were two broken hearts. You were left in a spiral of thoughts and feelings. You were left hurt and in pain just because of a stupid prank.

Seo Changbin☆

He decided to do the prank right away after he heard about it, not really thinking it will bring any serious harm and it will be just fun

Oh boy... He was so wrong about it

And the fact that he did it on one of the most stressful periods in your life, left both of you in total pain

You just got to their dorms, wanting to spend some quality time with your teddy bear of a boyfriend and just let him hug all the stress out from your soul. Not knowing this will turn out to not happen anymore.

As you enter into Bin room, you were meet with a serious aura around your boyfriend "Is everything ok, teddy bear?"

"I need to talk with you about something..." he pats the free space on his bed, beside him and you go take a sit there. You look at your boyfriend and hum, letting him know that he has your full attention. "I miss you... I feel like you are not loving me anymore. I don't think I want to be in this relationship anymore" the look of hurt and confusion on your face right now made his heart fill with so much guilt and regret.

"What...? I'm so sorry... I was that busy that I forgot about you...? I thought I was giving you the love you needed..." truth be told, you are in an extremely stressed period of yours, you are focused on your exams and you've been studying so much that sometimes you forgot even about yourself, but that didn't really stopped you from according attention to your boyfriend whenever he needed you. This way, you were also getting rid of some of your stress, by spending time with him. The thought of you not giving enough love to Changbin never crossed your mind.

"It was a prank!! I'm sorry!!" he starts hugging you tight, hoping that you are going to forgive him. But this isn't the case right now. You force yourself out of his arms. All the stress you accumulate these past few days made you snap at him.

"You asshole! I was thinking that I made you feel unloved! What the fuck?! And why the fuck did you thought that doing something like this will be funny?? It is funny playing with someone's feelings??"

"I'm really sorry... I promise that you make me feel loved..." he doesn't dare looking at you anymore, regret getting everything in him.

"Yeah. Because I'm trying my best to give you all the love you need, even when I'm busy. But do you love me? Someone who loves won't do such a bullshit on their partner." you are sitting up from his bed and move towards the door, Changbin following you.

"Of course I love you! I promise I won't do anything like that on you again!" he tries to stops you from leaving, but you just storm out, scaring the other 3 members that were chilling in the living room.

"You are right. You won't do it anymore on me, because we are done for real. Hope your future girlfriend will be treated better. Don't contact me anymore." and with that, you loudly shut the front door behind you as the words flew in the air and left Changbin in pure terror.

"What the fuck did you do??" Hyunjin asks all confused.

"I think he played that break up prank I showed him a few days ago." Han responds, feeling guilty for showing this to Changbin, knowing fully well that you are stressed out with exams.

"Leave him alone, guys." Chan interrupts the other two, when he sees that Changbin is starting to tear up as the realization that he lost you for good hits him hard. He takes a final look at his members, then goes back in his room and locks the door. He just now realized that he will feel unloved from now on, as he mentioned at the start of his joke.

As for you... You just went straight home, trying your best to maintain your emotions from getting out in public, as you process the thought of your just now break up. What you wanted to be a chill evening after a stressful day, turned out to be actually the end of what you loved the most.

Now you won't be able to get all the hugs and kisses you were craving before. As you just want to be left alone, too hurt to see him again.

Hwang Hyunjin☆

He saw the hell prank on the internet, he wanted try it on you, not knowing the potential consequences

He's lucky the outcome isn't tragical

"Hyunnie, I'm here!" you said as you arrived at his dorm. He texted you a few hours ago to pay him a visit after you get off work, as he wanted to talk with you. You did as your boyfriend asked. Not really paying too much mind about why he asked to see you all of the sudden.

"Oh... Hi" you take a look at your nervous boyfriend and starts to feel uneasy yourself. "Can we talk about something...?" he gulps as you make eye contact.

"Did something happen, love?" taking a sit on his bed, you let him gather his thoughts as he just pace back and forth in his room.

"Unfortunately... I'm forced to break up with you..." he says, not looking at you, knowing that his soft spot for your sad eyes will kill him in an instant.

"But we are allowed to date as long as it's not public our relationship. What are you talking about?" you are more confused than hurt, honestly. But of course you still feel sad hearing about all of this.

"Our managers are saying that I'm distracted easily. And they believe is because of you. I'm sorry, my beauty" he finally looks at you again, and instantly regretted everything as soon as he sees your face stained with tears already.

"It's ok. I understand." you get up and head towards the door to leave, wiping away the tears that keeps overflowing your eyes.

Hyunjin runs after you and hugs you extremely tight in his arms, that you almost can't breathe anymore. "I'm so, so, so, so sorry, my love! It was just a prank, I swear!!! I won't ever break up with you for real, doesn't matter who is forcing me to! I'd rather give up everything for you!"

"Are you serious? A prank?" you give your boyfriend a deadly stare when you hear his explanation.

"Yeah..." he looks so defeated right now by his stupid choice of actions.

"How old are you? 7?" you hit Hyunjin on the back of his head.

"Ow!!! I'm really sorry, ok!? I won't do it again! Can I have your forgiveness...?" he starts massaging the spot where you hit him as he's dramatically asking for you to stay with him and forgive him.

"Fine. You're forgiven. But I'm excepting lots of cuddles tonight." you pout and your boyfriend starts laughing at how cute you are.

"Of course, my muse."

.............................

✧ Masterlist ✧ ✧ Tag List ✧

@bangchansbae @tattywood @nebulousbrainsoup @https-skzology @sp00ky-spr1te

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arch3ontumbl · 1 month

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World Bearer Part 3

You can't help but wander your mind helplessly, trying to keep an eye out of any threats and danger that could impose on the power your child emits. I'm not like Gojo, I don't possess his six eyes preventing any harm, but even that didn't protect him from his death.

Your puffy eyes hid shy behind your hair, as your child was warmly packed in cloth trying to cover his white hair more than ever. After the announcement of Gojo's death, curses would rejoice, but yet they didn't.. because they have already sensed your son's birth.

Thinking back you cower yourself in a free seat at the airport, news being flashed of the sudden unexplainable and paranormal activity in the city. A mass of people missing in the Shibuya Station after an enormous party, the higher ups cannot cover it that much this time—too many things got out of hand and it's all spilling right before peoples eyes.

A little credit to your family clan, providing a safety heaven where you can be kept safe with your son, until.. you never know until when but you do not dare tell the world his birth even if it meant not being able to see Gojo's corpse, you forced Shoko to tell you through phone his image. Painful as it is you would trade your life for his at that moment.

Cruel just cruel

The honoured one

The one who promised

Waves of reality check and realization hits you as you wait for your flight in finally about an hour, sorcerers still fought in Shibuya. The war made you want to join, it made you want to avenge his death, their deaths, your love, your friends, you call them family because they were your family. Yet you couldn't do anything but to protect what you have left and the only thing you could protect from now on

your son

You were raised by a prestigious line of sorcerers, background even unknown. The whole clan raised in a single island owned by generations to generations, completely sealed away until they are to decide to go and explore the world as it is or to help with the protection of humanity. When you left your clan after they're guidance and teachings the outside world was overwhelmingly but you took it easily, you adapt easily. You came out of the island, out of the nest, and even with the culture shock you knew you had one goal in mind and in heart.

To protect humanity, that's how you met Gojo afterall

The more you knew about him, his past, his childhood, it made you doubt your principle, how could some people be selfless and majority so selfish.

Everything has purpose, he's the one who made you doubt after you loved him because of how much he carries burden just because he was born. It was by birth and it wasn't controlled but it was destiny and it was his decision.

He could've killed those higher ups, if he wanted to

He could've ditched humanity, and lived to be human himself

Those gifted skills, who were they to be waste for

He embraced it, but it was overwhelming and stressful to hold such. The thought of your son bearing it next out of guilt, out of heroicness, out of principle is just to painful for your heart to bear.

His father has made history, who am I to deny and not tell him such? Timing. Timing has always been hard

Gojo always knew when, where, and what to start whenever you are confused. He was always on time for you, 'how could I be on time for my son to know what he carries and the possibilities?'

Would he be heroic like his father?, sure he looks like his father with little hues of me, but would he be guilty to deny protection of those in need?

Those in need differ, everyone is a sinner afterall

such thoughts devour you as you sat still looking at your son's face as he slept peacefully, remembering every detail and observing every movement. You looked around for a second to suddenly see no people around the airport, no one left but you and your son. Your eyes too dry to even shed another tear, they all left you there,

—Sometimes even if you wished you haven't bear his child, you haven't met him, you haven't left your clan for something 'greater' for something to 'protect' it was always much more worth it to go through all this again if it meant going back in time to savour even the smallest glances you had with your love before, even if it meant redoing every work, even if it meant bearing his child again for 9 months with constant fear of danger, even if it meant giving birth to your son again. Just with a button or a clock to tick and take back time, just for him to be by your side all through that

It would be worth it

You finally let down your shoulder and embrace your son a little tighter, you cried. You let it all out, you and your son alone at the airport, no people, no one, you repeated again and again whispering to your son

'but you still have me, and I have you, my son, my world that I bear, I will be by your side if you decide to bear the world yourself of cower from it' you wept.

For a split second, Gojo knelt infront of you as you sat embracing your sleeping son. He wiped your tears and gave a reassuring smile, his eyes cried out itself yet he still managed to compose a smile, you cried harder, screaming out of grief, anger, sadness, doubt and love.. something even you couldn't hear, everything was just mute and bright, you felt you said everything when he saw your state and you felt like you knew everything when he saw your face,

He took your hand and squeezed, he cupped your face and made you look at him all at once you cried harder than before, your heart shattered knowing this is all the energy he left, his message on the right timing, timed when you were about to break down to the oblivion, timed when you needed him atleast one last time, timed when every little thing from before and to the future mattered. He took a look at his son and kissed his forehead, you gasp from the physical pain you feel on your heart on how much your mental and emotional pain affects you.

He gave you a long deep kiss, and you knew, you knew all too well, you knew it even before, you knew it all the time, you saw it clearer when he came to your life and up to this moment onward

and he just said

"Just trust me you'll be fine" his voice were the only thing audible, before you dare not to blink an eye of the burning pain it caused of tirelessly crying and not sleeping, you blinked. Before you felt him leave and disappear into thin air he whispered 'I love you'

And with that he was gone

That was all he needed to say

You remembered it all like a tsunami hitting you face to face, the memories you shared, the littlest details, the faintest messages that meant 'I love you' felt like your heart pealed and squeezed until your lungs held your breath.

People at the airport were back, and your child awake due to a single tear from you eyes dropped to his cheek. You smiled and brushed it off, you gave a warm chuckle. "this is a little harder this time but trust me you'll be fine" you said.

#gojo angst #gojo x reader #gojo x y/n #gojo satoru #gojo x you #anime #jjk gojo #jjk satoru #jujutsokaisen #jujutsu gojo #Gojo angst #Angst #jjk angst

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babymetaldoll · 1 year

Text

Baby, I'm yours - Chapter eight: “What if I’m someone I don’t want around?”

Warning: Angst, sadness, swearing, Spencer crying and reader is brokenhearted. Sorry.

Summary: A few days before the wedding, reader discovers something Spencer had been hiding from her. And she doesn't feel like she can trust him again.

Word count: 11,9K

A/N: I'm sorry... but... seriously, did you think I had forgotten about Spencer's mistake?

Series Masterlist | General Masterlist | Prequel’s Masterlist

Previous chapter | Next chapter

Spencer’s point of view

(Y/N) and I had successfully avoided JJ for an entire week. She had been pretty busy with her profiler course and case rotation. We had been busy freaking out with our wedding. Everything was ready and signed, but somehow our friends and family were making sure to keep up stressed and nervous about every single detail of the big day. Our vacation started in four days, our wedding was in twelve, and I still found it hard to believe (Y/N) actually wanted to marry me. But believe me, I wasn’t going to argue with her about it.

- “Just a few more days”- (Y/N) whispered as we held hands in the elevator- “Are you excited about our honeymoon?”

- “I am excited about being married to you, the trip is just a bonus”- she smiled and blushed as the elevator’s door opened in the BAU and immediately we were greeted by JJ and Emily’s voices as they walked our way.

- “Hotch says he's never seen a rookie profiler analyze and write up cases as well as you.”- Prentiss said, clearly to Jennifer.

- “He said that?”- and she acted surprised.

- “Oh shit”- (Y/N) whispered and I held her hand even tighter- “I don’t even want her at the wedding anymore.”

- “I know, chipmunk.”- I started walking faster and dragged (Y/N) with me the second Prentiss and Jennifer showed up by our side.

- “Hey, where have you guys been? I wanted to do brunch this weekend.”- JJ said as soon as we bumped into each other in the hall, but I continued walking and simply ignored her, as I heard (Y/N) reply.

- “We had to deal with some stuff about the wedding. Have you seen Garcia?”

- “Uh, she's with Rossi.”- Jennifer answered and stayed behind as we ran away from her as fast as possible. No, we weren’t being subtle about our anger. But if you asked us back then, we weren’t even trying to be.

- “Suddenly, four more days sound like an eternity”- (Y/N) murmured as we left our things at our desks and I simply shook my head.

- “You’ve got this, chipmunk, trust me. Next Monday we are going to be at home, having coffee on our own.”

- “In a week we are going to be picking up your mom and aunt Ethel from the airport”- I chuckled and shook my head- “But I get the point, just a few more days of this.”

Yes, we were not acting very maturely, I was aware of that. But we were mad and hurt and neither of us wanted to be the bigger man or woman. You get the point. It didn’t help that when we shared the whole story with Frank, Lu, and Mikey, they all supported us. No one should lie to a friend the way JJ lied to us. End of the story.

We had a case

- “I am having a Fellini festival at my house this weekend and I must serve the beautiful food of his country.”- Penelope was talking about food with Rossi, but I didn’t register much of what was being said around the table. I kept reading the book I had started that morning, doing my best to avoid eye contact with JJ, who sat right across the table from us.

- “Maybe you should show a Disney film and stick with burgers.”- Rossi replied and (Y/N) giggled. I held her hand underneath the table and played with her fingers for a minute, enjoying the soothing feeling of her presence.

- “You know, Rossi, you could always give Penelope a cooking lesson.”- I heard Morgan suggesting.

- “Oh, my gosh, that would be amazing. That would be like… that would be like the Iron Chef meets the BAU. And we could do it at your house!”- Garcia was way too excited about it already.

- “I don't have a house. I have a mansion.”- Rossi corrected her, and (Y/N) chuckled at those words.

- “All right, let's get started.”- Hotch’s voice made me leave the book on the table and I immediately glued my eyes on the screen ahead of us. Garcia stood up and started presenting the one that was meant to be the last case (Y/N) and I worked on before our wedding. Somehow, it felt exciting. It was also the first case with JJ officially as a profiler, which wasn’t exciting at all. It meant she was going to be out in the field with us and that only meant having to talk to her.

- “All right. Mes amis, you are jetting to Durant, Oklahoma, because in the last three days, two women have been found dead after being sexually tortured and then blinded with a sulfuric acid solution. Abby Elcott is our first victim, a 19-year-old art student. She was heading to campus for an advanced drawing class. She'd been missing for two days. The same goes for our second victim, Beth Westerly, 17. She had just finished her coffee shop shift and was on her way to a bar method class.”- Pen explained and nearly didn't breathe during her speech.

- “Both low-risk victims.”- Emily pointed out.

- “And obviously physically similar.”- (Y/N) added, considering both girls were young, tall, thin, and with long blonde hair.

- “How close are the two abduction sites?”- Rossi asked and Penelope showed them on the map on the screen.

- “Five miles apart at bus stops. Abby's cell was found near one, Beth's scarf near the other.”

- “Where were the dump sites?”- I asked and she quickly showed me.

- “One in an alley, the other in a field.”

- “So he stapled their eyes open, then he blinded them?”- JJ pointed out and turned to me, maybe waiting for my thoughts or reply. She didn’t get any. Instead, I focused my eyes on the paper and Morgan quickly started talking.

- “It's about power and control. Maybe he didn't want them to watch while he hurt 'em.”

- “Or it could be about shame.”- (Y/N) added and I quickly nodded.

- “Yes, ma cherié. Perhaps the unsub has disfigured himself. Blinding the victims leaves them helpless, lost, and totally dependent. Maybe a manifestation of how he sees himself in this world.”

I never refer to (Y/N) as "cherié" when we are working. Never. It hasn’t slipped in a briefing meeting before, and that day, I did it on purpose. Hotch turned to me and raised an eyebrow just as Emily nodded and continued with my point.

- “It is a form of enucleation, just without the scalpel.”

- “Exactly. His face is the last they see before darkness.”- (Y/N) added and looked at Emily as Hotch grabbed his notes and stood up.

- “Garcia, come up with a list of jobs that would give the UnSub access to sulfuric acid. The rest of us, wheels up in 30 minutes.”

- “We are not being subtle”- (Y/N) whispered as we sat side by side on the couch in the yet. That was our favorite spot when we wanted to be apart from the rest of the team.

- “Do we want to?”

- “No, but I was starting to enjoy not being scolded by Hotch after Ashley’s departure”- I held her hand and kissed it.

- “Four more days”- she nodded with a grin and sighed.

- “It’ll surely be weird not working for an entire month”

- “Oh, are you guys talking about your honeymoon?”- JJ showed up with Emily and I immediately grabbed a book. If it wasn’t work-related, I really didn’t want to talk to JJ.

- “Yes.”- (Y/N) simply replied and stayed quiet.

- “When do you leave?”- JJ asked her and kept looking at her

- “The day after the wedding.”

- “Which is your first stop?”

- “London. I’m gonna make us some tea before we take off.”- my fianceé said and stood up, running away from JJ. I focused on the book and didn’t move a muscle until I was sure JJ and Emily were no longer around me. I wasn’t holding anything against Prentiss, it was JJ the one I blamed, 100% for lying and never comforting (Y/N) or myself during our darkest days.

- “The victimology is very similar. Blonde-haired, blue-eyed teenage girls.”- Hotch started analyzing what we knew so far about the case. He sat by our side and went through the photos. (Y/N) and I kept taking notes as the rest of the team talked.

- “We believe they were each abducted near public transportation stops.”- JJ said and neither of us looked at her.

- “When was this photo taken?”- Prentiss asked and (Y/N) quickly answered.

- “Beth was caught on a bank surveillance camera three hours before she disappeared. That's a recent photo of Abby.”

- “So she wasn't found in the same clothes she was abducted in.”- Em showed us another picture in another outfit.

- “Maybe he changed them because hers were burned by the sulfuric acid.”- Rossi suggested and I answered.

- “It's possible. Sulfuric acid can turn human flesh into soap.”

- “Garcia, any recent similar cases in the surrounding area?”- Hotch asked.

- “Actually, yes. Two months ago, a prostitute and a runaway were both found raped and killed, and they had stab wounds to their eyes.”

- “So maybe he practiced on high-risk victims first.”- JJ pointed out the obvious, again.

- “And then advanced to chemical enucleation.”- Morgan added

- “Isn't that a rare paraphilia?”- JJ asked, and looked at me waiting for an answer. She didn’t get it. Instead, Emily replied.

- “Well, the chemical part is. It would exacerbate the pain.”

- “Like Ed Kemper”- Rossi said- “He's probably practicing on surrogates before going after the real object of his rage.”

- “Dave, you and I will talk to the parents. Morgan and Prentiss, go to the disposal sites. JJ, you (Y/L/N) and Reid to the abduction sites.”- Hotch divided chores and I quickly resumed my reading. (Y/N) shared with me her notes and we started talking about a possible geographical profile.

This wasn’t going to end well, I knew it. I was too mad at JJ to work with her, and (Y/N) was too mad at her as well to stop me.

(Y/N)’s point of view

Of course, Hotch would pair us with JJ that day. It was clear there was something off and he wanted us to work through our differences. Such a dad move. Spencer drove us in silence, all we ever talked about was the case. JJ tried to make small talk but neither of us replied much. As soon as we got to the first abduction site, Spencer walked fast and took a look around.

- “So, Beth got off the bus here and headed northwest toward class.”- Spencer said and looked at me.

- “Yes, she was on time which means she didn’t have much time to stop and chat with random people. Our unsub was fast.”- I added and followed him.

- “It's amazing no one witnessed her abduction.”- JJ said and Spencer’s answer was faster than mine.

- “Emily was buried six feet under and wound up in Paris, so I guess anything is possible, right?”

- “So that is what this is about.”- JJ replied, confirming what was obvious.

- “You know, maybe our unsub is a little bit like Bundy and he feigned an injury in order to get her to help him.”- I started talking and didn’t let Jeniffer continue with whatever it is that she wanted to say.

- “Spence, (Y/N), if you want to talk about…”- we both turned our backs to her and continued looking around like we had lost anything in those few blocks. We had in fact lost something: our trust in JJ.

- “Chipmunk, maybe he tried another tactic and was like, "Wow, you're really pretty. You should be a model. I can take your photo."

- “That’s a very common technique to get a girl’s attention, hon. But we have no proof of anything, just speculation.”

- “I'll take that as a no.”- JJ mumbled and tried to follow us.

- “Either one would disarm her.”- Spencer looked at me and I nodded.

- “Charm's quite the killer.”- JJ suggested and crossed her arms on her chest. I turned to her and raised an eyebrow.

- “So are tears.”- and the look in her eyes was both filled with pain and anger. Good, I wanted her to be mad at me the way I was mad at her.

- “Whatever his ruse was, the unsub most likely used it to get her into his vehicle.”- Spencer landed a hand on my shoulder and made me turn to him with a nod.

- “Well, if Abby was last seen at a bus stop a few miles away, then he definitely has means of transportation.”- JJ waited for us to reply, but we didn’t. Instead, Spencer held my hand and started walking me back to the van.

- “Hopefully, the disposal site will tell us more.”

I know I was being mean to my friend, but that friend had lied to me and my future husband right on our faces for months, mocking our pain. I didn’t even want to be in the same car as her that day, less having to pretend everything was ok.

Rossi was talking with the police when we got to the nearest disposal site. Spencer parked and I literally ran out of the van, to put as much distance between me and JJ as possible.

- “Again he’s disposing in an area frequented by homeless people.”- Rossi explained to us as we walked through a bunch of police force and forensics.

- “It's equidistant to the last two dump sites.”- Spencer pointed out. I kneeled down and took a look at the corpse. It was burned with what seemed to be acid around her face.

- “He burned her tongue with the chemical this time.”- JJ said, stealing the words from me.

- “So he removed her ability to taste.”- Rossi frowned and looked at the victim, trying to understand.

- “Why would he do that?”- one of the cops asked and Spencer immediately started explaining.

- “Historically, this kind of torture was used to prevent someone from revealing a secret.”

- “Can you imagine this was normal behavior?”- I asked and kept my eyes on the corps- “The number of people there would be walking around with their mouths burned with acid…”- I could feel JJ’s eyes on me as I spoke, but refused to look at her the entire time.

- “Maybe she offended him.”- the detective suggested.

- “I wonder what that's like.”- Spencer quickly replied. Yes, we were brats. And I still regret nothing.

- “Her lips are extremely chapped.”- Rossi’s words forced us to re-focus on the case.

- “Probably she was forced to repeatedly participate in some sort of kissing fantasy.”- I suggested and JJ decided it was a great moment to start talking again and basically just point out the obvious.

- “And when things go awry, he takes the offending sense away.”

- “He tortured her in these clothes, which means the eighties are essential to his delusion.”- Spencer ignored her and continued analyzing the victim’s outfit.

- “Yes, I would say that's when this rejection occurred and he held on to the clothes all these years.”- I added and looked at my fiance as he nodded at me in agreement.

- “And now he's attacking girls who remind him of women from that time.”- JJ concluded with an obvious opinion. Spencer just looked at me and said

- “He's fixated on her type and remake them fit his fantasy.”

- “But why start now?”- the detective asked. JJ made a pause and looked at us.

- “Something probably triggered it, and instead of dealing with it, he's acting out.”

Spencer and I looked at her at the same time. I raised an eyebrow as she stared at me, almost defiant.

- “Great analysis, Jennifer. Thank you for sharing.”- I replied as I felt Spencer’s hand in mine, crawling me away from the scene.

- “Four days is way too much time.”- I argued as I closed the SUV door and sighed. Spencer got behind the wheel and started driving us away from the crime scene in less than a minute.

- “I know, my cheriè. Just focus on the case, we have to solve this and go back home.”

- “Can’t we just elope, get married in Vegas, and leave for our honeymoon right now?”- I closed my eyes and rested my head on the seat. Spencer held my hand as he drove, and caressed my skin carefully with his long fingers.

- “You deserve way better than just eloping, chipmunk. You deserve the whole world and the perfect wedding.”- his words were sweet in contrast with the cruel reality we were dealing with.

- “The only thing I care about is getting married to you. The rest ain’t that important, as long as I have you.”- I opened my eyes and stared at him. He looked at me for a moment and continued driving. His cheeks were blushed and his eyes were teary. My sweet fiance never took compliments well, and I knew it. Still, I had to tell him how I felt, though it was still somehow nerve-wracking.

Yes, Spencer still made me feel nervous. The butterflies in my stomach were always crazy when I was around him.

- “So, how are we going to deal with JJ these days?”- I asked him and he hummed.

- “We should just try to stay away from her and don’t speak to her about anything that’s not case related.”

- “Easier said than done”- I mumbled.

- “I know, but what other choice do we have?”- I thought about it and sighed.

- “I’m still not sure I want her at the wedding.”

- “Me neither, chipmunk. Trust me.”

When we arrived at the station, Rossi and JJ were already there. Spencer and I had taken a detour to get iced coffee on our way back. It only took us five more minutes, but I could see on Hotch’s face he was already upset with us. That was not what I needed at the moment, but we were already deep into the mess.

Hotch didn’t say a word to us, instead, he gathered the police force and asked us to release the profile of the unsub. I could use some work to focus on, instead of my anger. So I stood up in front of the entire police department and started talking.

- “We believe the unsub, or unknown subject, that we're looking for is a white male in his 40s. This is someone who's reacting to rejection by a woman when he was a teenager in the 1980s. He's punishing his victims for their reactions to him by taking away their senses with sulfuric acid.”

- “We believe our unsub could possibly work part-time as a janitor or a mechanic, which would give him access to this chemical.”- Rossi added as I turned to Spencer and he smiled at me, nodding.

- “And after studying the disposal sites, we think it's likely that he is homeless.”- Morgan continued- “Now, how do we typically react toward the homeless? We judge them by their looks and smells. It's that same negative reaction we believe that a woman had toward the unsub at some point in the eighties.”

- “The unsub's fixation on this woman is now all-consuming.”- Prentiss started explaining- “It's caused him to develop obsessive love disorder. He most likely has tunnel vision and believes that she holds the key to his happiness. He will stalk her in an attempt to win her back.”

- “He will do whatever it takes to be near his love interest.”- I added -“But her rejection will spiral him into a depression.”

- “Which would lead to rape and murder of the surrogates who represent her.”- Spencer finally spoke and I nodded at his words immediately- “And it's only a matter of time before this rage and anger cause the unsub to go after her directly.”

Police exited the room after a few minutes. Hotch looked at me and nodded in what I figured was the approval of my presentation delivering the profile, and I thought things might actually be a little better. But JJ had other plans. She cornered Spencer in the briefing room and from what I could notice, she had started pushing him to talk about the whole issue. I quickly walked over and looked at her, crossing my arms on my chest, and looking seriously into her eyes.

- “What do you want Jennifer?”- I asked and she widened her eyes, surprised by my tone, I guess.

- “(Y/N), Spence. We gotta talk about this.”

- “I told you, we don't want to talk about it.”- Spencer answered and kept gathering some papers from the table. I started helping so he could finish quickly and get the fuck out of there.

- “I get it, ok? You're disappointed with the way we handled Emily.”

- “Listen, we have a lot going on, all right?”- Spencer didn’t even look at her, he kept his eyes on the files and folders as he tried to leave the room with me, but JJ stopped him.

- “You know what I think it is?”- her voice was suddenly defiant. Spencer stood in front of her and raised an eyebrow waiting for her speech.

- “What?”

- “You're mad that Hotch and I controlled our micro-expressions at the hospital and you weren't able to detect our deception.”- she said to my soon-to-be husband- “And you are mad ‘cos Hotch trusted me with the secret instead of you”- she added, staring at me. I opened my mouth to start cursing her, my hands shaking with anger. But Spencer stopped me. He held my hand and stood in front of me, basically shielding me from JJ’s bullshit.

- “You think it's about my profiling skills? That you just hurt our ego?”- and that bitch simply shrugged- “Jennifer, listen, the only reason you were able to manage my perceptions is because I trusted you.”

- “Spence…”- she tried to explain, but I took a step closer to her and held onto my boyfriend’s hand tight.

- “You really don’t know us if you think what you hurt is as mundane as our pride. I don’t care if Hotch wants you to know all his secrets. Under any other circumstances, I would have been happy for you. But not now, not like this, not after you laughed at us.”

- “Laughed?! (Y/N), when did I laugh at you?”- JJ was mad and hurt, her voice was shaky as she tried to defend herself.

- “We came to your house for 10 weeks in a row crying over losing a friend, and not once did you have the decency to tell us the truth.”- Spencer spat each word as JJ stared at us making her best to keep her shit together.

- “I couldn't!”

- “You couldn't? Or you wouldn't?”- I questioned her and she looked at me with tears in her eyes.

- “No, I couldn't, (Y/N).”

- “What if I started taking Dilaudid again? Would you have let me?”- Spencer questioned her and the thought of him getting back into drugs slapped me all of a sudden. Yes, I had considered that option, but Reid never gave me any sign he might actually fall back into old habits.

- “You didn't.”

- “Yeah, but I thought about it.”- Spencer held my hand tight and started walking out of the room with me.

- “Spence!”- JJ begged, as tears started falling down her eyes. But my boyfriend didn’t even flinch. He looked at her and shrugged, annoyed, and started walking away again.

- “I’m so sorry”- JJ whispered, looking at me.

- “It’s too late for that, alright?”- I answered, shaking my head, and followed Spencer on his way out of the station.

- “Spence, (Y/N)”- I heard Prentiss calling our names and I turned to look at her. She was puzzled and probably feeling guilty. But we held nothing against her. It was all JJ. She was our problem.

- “We are gonna get in trouble with Hotch after that”- I said as I sat on the front steps of the station. Spencer stood in front of me, arms crossed on his chest as he continued walking back and forth.

- “I’m sorry, chipmunk.”

- “Why are you apologizing for?”

- “I think I might have pushed it a little too far against JJ”- I shook my head and sighed. I wanted to ask but I was afraid of the answer. But I figured I had to do it just as a band-aid. Quick and painless.

- “You didn’t actually think about taking Dilaudid again, right?”- my question was meant to be an affirmation, but it sounded so insecure and shaky, that I embarrassed myself. I looked at my hands as I asked and waited for Spencer’s answer. He sighed and looked at me, walking to me and kneeling in front of me.

- “Of course not, chipmunk. I would never do that to you.”- I sighed relieved and smiled at him, feeling his lips on mine as his hands cupped my face carefully.

- “Thank god. I don’t think I could ever go through that again.”- I admitted as he rubbed his lips against mine. I kept my eyes closed, enjoying the sensation and the warmth of his touch- “I just love you too much. It would kill me to see you in so much pain one more time.”

- “Don’t worry, ma cherie. That’s never gonna happen.”- he whispered and kissed me again. This time embracing me with a passion and love he didn’t usually share during working hours. His tongue parted my lips and explored my mouth sweetly, tasting every inch. I let out a soft moan, and that just encouraged him. His hands moved from my cheeks to my waist, pulling me against his body, making me feel loved and cared for. And by the way, he was holding me so tight, anyone would say Spencer was afraid I was going to escape.

- “Come on, cool off”- I managed to whisper, still feeling him rubbing his lips against mine- “We are still at work. And already in trouble with our boss, I am afraid.”

- “I’m so sorry”- he mumbled and sighed, kissing my lips one more time before moving from me and starting to pace in front of me.

- “We should try to solve this case so we can go home and… share rooms again.”- I said and winked, trying to cheer him up.

- “Are you really going to marry me?”- Spencer asked all of a sudden. I raised an eyebrow as I stared at his sweet chocolate eyes, staring at me, waiting for an honest answer. Where did all that insecurity come from?

- “Not only will I marry you, I am also going to be with you until death do us part.”

Spencer’s point of view

I didn’t only feel like scum, but I was also terrified. Why did I have to mention Dilaudid in front of (Y/N)? Why was I so emotional and careless to say the one word that could bring this whole relationship to an end? I just wanted to hurt JJ, I know. But I was irresponsible. I was stupid. And the worst part was knowing I had no time to think about it. I had to solve a case first and pretend everything was ok later. I didn’t want (Y/N) to worry or see through me, read my insecurities and my truth.

I did what I did best, I hid at work and dragged (Y/N) along with me, to keep her from thinking about me and Dilaudid ever again. We started talking about the case, went through all the information we had, and decided we might have made a mistake in our profile. We might have overlooked one detail that could change the unsub we were looking for dramatically.

- “I don’t wanna go in there after the scene we made”- my girlfriend whispered as soon as we stepped into the police station. The team was gathered in a meeting room and I knew she wasn’t ready to deal with the consequences of my outburst. But we had to work.

- “I’m here chipmunk. Nothing is gonna happen. You know that right?”- I whispered and cut her a warm smile, trying to reassure her I was going to protect her. I would, I wanted to. I needed to know I was able to keep her safe from any harm. She nodded as my thumbs carefully caressed her cheeks for a moment. I knew that wasn’t the correct behavior, but honestly, I didn’t care anymore. Nothing was ever going to stop me from protecting (Y/N).

We walked into the meeting room as if nothing had happened earlier and I simply started talking.

- “I don't think we're dealing with a typical homeless person.”- and just like that, the entire team looked at me- “He's good with chemicals, and owns a car. I think the only mistake in our profile was assuming there was something wrong with his physical composition, reducing him to some sort of stereotype.”

- “You think it's only his mental state?”- Rossi questioned.

- “I think this guy might be smart enough to use his disability to his advantage so he comes across as harmless.”

- “And then, when he's alone and the victim rejects him, he goes off.”- (Y/N) added, crossing her arms on her chest, trying not to show how uncomfortable she felt.

- “What if he doesn't live on the street? What if he's in a halfway house?”- JJ asked and I kept my eyes on Hotch. He just grabbed his phone and dialed.

- “Garcia, I need a list of halfway houses and mental health centers in the unsub's comfort zone.”

- “Ok. Five are being sent to your phones.”- we all heard Penelope announcing.

- “Which of those were around in the eighties, Garcia?”- (Y/N) asked.

- “There are two in your area, munchkin.”

- “Morgan and Prentiss, take the first.”- Hotch announced- “Dave and I will take the second.”

- “What about us?”- JJ asked the obvious question and I unconsciously landed a hand on (Y/N)’s back, trying to comfort her.

- “Stay here and check ViCAP for similar M. O.s and signatures.”- everyone stepped out of the room, including (Y/N), who walked to the desk where she had left all the folders. And just as I started following her, Hotch called me.

- “Reid.”- I knew what this was about, and I was glad he was talking to me and not with her. She really didn’t have to be scolded this time- “If you want to be mad at someone, be mad at me.”

I hesitated for a second, trying not to look him in the eyes ‘cos it was still something very hard for me to deal with. I was mad at my friend, not at my boss. And no matter how close Aaron was with us, he wasn’t technically my friend. He was closer to a father figure than anything else.

- “I can't. I didn't come to your house crying for ten weeks.”- that was the only explanation I could give him, ‘cos it was my truth.

The following morning we had a missing girl and still no suspect. (Y/N) hadn’t mentioned Dilaudid again and I was praying for the word to simply vanish from her vocabulary. I had made my best to keep her focused on the case and on the wedding. But it was challenging at the moment, ‘cos Hotch had decided to pair me with Rossi and leave her on the station with JJ. And no matter how much I begged him, he didn’t change his mind.

- “So kids spill out of the motel toward the cars. If Tammy walked this way, how could she disappear without anyone seeing her?”- Rossi said as we walked out of one of the rooms and analyzed the whole perimeter.

- “Someone would have heard her scream.”- I answered, taking a look around, trying to picture the entire place filled with teenagers.

- “That's if she screamed. Unlike the last three abduction sites, this one is nowhere near public transportation. Maybe she knew the unsub.”

- “Or thought she did.”- I ramble and catch a glimpse of empathy in Rossi's eyes- “What if Tammy was the target all along? That would explain the change in the M. O.”

- “So whoever did this knew she was coming here.”

- “I’m gonna call Hotch”- I grabbed my phone and quickly dialed. I also wanted to call (Y/N) and ask her if she was ok alone at the police station with JJ. But I couldn’t. After I hung up with Hotch, Rossi grabbed my arm and stopped me.

- “Kid, after Prentiss came back things have been hard on the entire team, not just you.”- suddenly I knew exactly where that was going, and I didn’t appreciate it one bit.

- “Rossi, thank you, but I don’t wanna talk about this right now.”

- “I’m just trying to tell you you are not the only one who feels betrayed. But you can’t just be mad at JJ for doing her job.”

- “Her job? So her job was to lie to us, even when she saw us at our lowest for weeks?”- I was doing my best not to raise my voice, but I knew I was failing at that task. I really was running low on patience that day and I didn’t want to continue talking about the same subject.

- “This was bigger than just sharing information, kid.”- Rossi stood in front of me and looked straight into my eyes, something I wanted to avoid by all means- “This was about keeping Prentiss alive, and Hotch knew that.”

- “But that secret nearly killed us.”- I argued back and looked down at my shoes- “(Y/N) was in deep grief, and for a minute I thought I was going to lose my sanity. This hit us hard, and JJ saw us, she was there, and she didn’t do anything.”

- “Only because she couldn’t! Not because she didn’t care about you.”

- “I don’t even care about me anymore, it’s the hurt on (Y/N) that bothers me the most. I don’t ever wanna see her crying like she did when we thought Emily was dead.”- I started walking back to the car.

- “You can’t keep her from pain, Reid. That’s just life. But as her husband you can support her and love her through the rough times.”- Rossi followed me and got into the SUV- “And maybe helping her forgive JJ and leaving this whole deal behind might be the right thing to do.”

I looked at David knowing there was nothing I could ever say that might help him understand how I felt. So I decided not to argue with him anymore and just leave the whole deal alone. I simply nodded and grabbed my phone as it hummed, letting me know I had a new text.

- “I’ve got a cupcake with your name on it”- I read and smiled.

- “I know the feeling, Reid”- Rossi said after a few minutes of driving in silence- “How it feels like when your blood boils in anger when you see someone hurting the woman you love.”- I looked out of the window and sighed. I really didn’t want to continue with the lecture.

Lucky for me, Morgan called and told us there was a suspect. We finally got a name. And two garages he worked on. In two hours, we had the unsub at the station, and Prentiss and Morgan were on their way with the police to get the latest victim, luckily alive. It was her own uncle who kidnapped and tortured her. Rossi was right, it was someone she knew.

By the end of the day, we were on the jet, on our way back home. (Y/N) was asleep on the couch by my side, and I entertained myself with a few books before we landed. Anything to keep me from thinking, or from talking with JJ.

- “So, the surgeon said he believes he can restore feeling to Tammy's hands.”- Emily whispered as she sat in front of me suddenly. I kept my eyes on the book and simply replied.

- “Good. We got there in time.”

- “I heard Mr. Bradstone wants to watch the tape.”- she continued talking, not getting the hint I wasn’t in the mood for a conversation. I still felt guilty about it though. There she was, alive and well, and I still didn’t feel like having a conversation with her despite the fact I had missed her for over ten weeks.

- “People have an innate curiosity to see things in order to confirm them.”- I replied and turned the page of my book.

- “Oh, that explains why I'm going to Rossi's tomorrow night. I want to see if he really can cook. You guys coming?”- she sounded so happy, so excited to spend time with us. So alive, if that makes any logical sense.

- “I don't know. I'm not so sure we can make it. We still have some things about the wedding we have to take care of”- I lied between my teeth knowing she would see through my deceit in a second.

- “Look, Reid, I know you're mad at us because we didn't tell you what really happened, and I understand that. But I promise you, we had no choice.”- she made a long pause and I felt her eyes on me, so I looked at her for a second, feeling my heart tighten into my chest. I wasn’t mad at her, I was glad she was there, alive and trying to preach to me. It was hard not to smile at her.

- “You mourned the loss of a friend. I mourned the loss of 6.”- I opened my mouth, but not a word came out of it. (Y/N) moved on her seat and I turned to her, afraid we might have woken her up. But no, she was still out.

- “This whole thing gave me an ulcer. Please don't give me another one. Are you gonna go to Rossi's tomorrow?”

- “We'll see.”- I whispered, knowing she had a point. I was still mad at JJ, but I knew I had to leave it behind for the sake of our mental health, and the team.

- “Also, I need to throw a bachelorette party for your future wife, so please don’t let her be mad at me any longer. I miss her.”- Prentiss whispered as she stood up and walked away. I looked at (Y/N) and sighed. All I wanted was to see her happy. Would forgiving JJ help her smile again?

Wednesday night I drove us to Rossi’s after a long talk. We didn’t want to be the ones causing trouble in the team, though I knew it was going to take more than just a cooking class for us. We were mad at JJ and a part of the trust had been broken. But (Y/N) had made a point after we discussed it.

- “We’ve been through a lot in the last six years. I don’t wanna let this argument get the best of us. And arguing with JJ is exhausting.”

I agreed with her only because I wanted to see her happy. I was still upset with the whole deal, but if she was ready to put it behind us, then so it should be.

Still, it was weird driving over to Rossi’s after everything we had done that week. I knew we hadn’t been nice or even mature dealing with the whole deal, and clearly, we were going to have to work on an apology for the team in the close future.

- “Reids! You made it!”- Morgan opened the front door and smiled at us - “Come in, we were just getting started.”- I closed the door behind our back and walked to the kitchen, where Rossi held a pan with what seemed to be onion and pancetta.

- “We can still turn around and leave”- I whispered and felt (Y/N)’s hand squeezing mine.

- “Let’s just endure it and when we are back home, maybe I will reward you, daddy.”- she murmured in my ear and giggled.

- “Hands where I can see them”- Morgan teased and (Y/N) giggled.

- “Sorry we are late”- I waved and took a look at the team. JJ turned to us and smiled shyly, almost scared we were going to snap at her… as we had done for the last week. I cut her an awkward smile and stood by the kitchen aisle, next to (Y/N).

- “Are we drinking already?”- she asked as Rossi put two glasses of red wine in front of us.

- “He hasn’t let us even sip it!”- Garcia complained immediately.

- “Yes, when do we get to drink the wine?”- Emily asked.

- “Almost there”- Rossi answered, still fully focused on the pan- “Ok, we start at the beginning. You eat what you cook, I'll supervise, but we're gonna do this all together, just like a family.”

- “Ok now?”- JJ asked raising her glass of wine

- “Now.”- Rossi grabbed his glass and raised it. We all followed him, saying cheers.

- “Do we all really have to cook?”- Emily asked leaving her glass on the table a few seconds later.

- “Yes, we do.”- David replied and raised an eyebrow.

- “Come on, zombie Prentiss, you don’t even have to chop the onion!”- (Y/N) argued, making me chuckle at the nickname.

- “Did you just call me a zombie?”- Emily widened her eyes.

- “Weren’t you dead a few days ago?”- (Y/N) replied with an adorable smile.

- “You are so lucky I love you, (Y/N).”- Prentiss added and hugged my girlfriend carefully.

- “Rumor says around the BAU that you wanted to throw me a bachelorette party.”- Emily’s face lightened up with those words.

- “I do! We do! Are you serious?! Can we all?”- I looked at Garcia and JJ and the two of them seemed to be both excited and nervous about the answer.

- “Of course, you can! I was counting on it! You and Lu are my only girlfriends ever!! You are basically my entire bridesmaid's squad!”

- “Did you hear that, pretty boy? Your lady is going out with her friends”- Morgan sipped his wine and looked at me raising an eyebrow- “That means we have to schedule your bachelor party as well.”

- “And don’t forget to invite Mikey and Frank!”- (Y/N) added looking at our friend.-“They would go bonkers if they miss a stripper party.”

- “Are you gonna let him go?”- Morgan asked her, almost shocked.

- “Why wouldn’t I? He is not gonna cheat with a stripper, most likely, he will try not to even touch one because of the number of germs they might have.”- I shook my head and sipped my glass of wine as everybody around us laughed. My girlfriend was right, one more time.

- “Alright kids, let’s cook!”- Rossi commanded and guided us to the stove. (Y/N) turned to me and smiled. She seemed happy, and that was all that mattered at that minute to me.

(Y/N)’s point of view

Around ten, after we cooked and enjoyed dinner, Rossi invited us out to his patio for a drink. I was excited to have a glass of his favorite scotch, ‘cos damn! that thing was good!

- “If Spencer asks, can you tell him I went out for a second to pick something from the car?”- I asked Penelope, who was sitting right next to me. My boyfriend was currently helping Rossi with the booze, and I didn’t want him to get worried.

It was a cold night and I had forgotten to bring my jacket inside the house. I wasn’t even sure I had brought one along, but I knew I had some of Spencer’s in the trunk of the car ‘cos I has planned to have them dry clean before our honeymoon.

I opened the trunk and went through some of the bags we had there. I knew I had to take a minute of my day to clean the back of that car, but days were crazy at that point in life, and I didn’t have enough time. I just grabbed one of Spencer’s jackets (one of my favorites) and put it on. I knew he wasn’t going to get mad at me ‘cos he loved to see me in his clothes. Besides, I loved wearing anything of his, ‘cos it felt like he was hugging me the entire time.

I rushed back inside the house and closed the door behind my back. I could hear our friend’s laughter from the backyard and made my way over quickly, chilling. I put my hands inside the pockets as I walked faster, seeing Spencer waiting for me, standing next to my seat, holding a glass of scotch.

But in a second, I stopped. I felt something inside the pocket. My hand grabbed a small bottle. I took it and simply looked at it as my entire world crumbled in a second. It was Dilaudid. A whole bottle of that shit, hidden in my boyfriend’s jacket.

I held it, as tears filled my eyes. I felt my breath leave my lungs, as everything I thought was real turned into a bunch of lies. Spencer had Dilaudid this entire time. I was about to marry a liar, and clearly, a drug addict.

- “(Y/N)?”- he called out my name as he stared at me from the other side of the room. I kept my eyes glued to the bottle for a few minutes before I turned to him. He was pale, in shock and petrified I knew his secret.

- “(Y/N), wait!”- I heard him beg as I turned around and ran out of Rossi’s. I ran as fast as I could until I made it to the car and started it.

- “(Y/N)! Please stop!! Let me explain!!”- Spencer yelled and tapped on the window of the car before I started the engine and drove away as fast as I could, leaving him screaming behind.

No, I didn’t want his explanations, I didn’t want to hear anything from him. I wanted to get away from that fucking liar as fast as possible.

He got drugs. He was using again. All that shit he kept saying about him never lying to me was nothing but bullshit. My hands were shaking as I drove with no destination. I didn’t want to go back to our apartment. I didn’t want to go anywhere he could find me. I wanted to disappear and get away from Spencer Reid.

I had never felt like that before. Not even once. I guess I had never felt betrayed by him before.

I tried to find my cell phone or my purse, but as I rushed out, I left them at Rossi’s. It was a good thing in a way, at least Spencer wasn’t going to call me. So I just drove and cried for a good hour, trying to put as much distance as possible between us. I didn’t even have the keys to our apartment, but I didn’t want to go there. I didn’t want to go anywhere, I just wanted to disappear. I didn’t have a wallet or my ID either. Not even my badge… but at that minute all I could think of was Spencer using Dilaudid and fooling me about it. Since when? Where was he using? After I slept? During cases?

And why did he relapse? It just wasn’t fair! Was it because of Emily’s dead? Maybe what he had said to JJ that week wasn’t a lie and he had gotten drugs to avoid thinking about Prentiss and simply numb himself.

How couldn’t he just trust me? Tell me he was feeling weak? I would have helped him, I would have given my life for him! How could he just betray me like that? He claimed to love me more than anyone else on earth, but how was he doing such a thing behind my back?

- “I hate you!!”- I yelled, sobbing as I hit the wheel.

I drove over two hours without a destination. In silence. I swear I couldn’t even think straight. I couldn’t hold a thought in my head. I mostly just sobbed and cursed. I knew I wasn’t going to go home that night, and I couldn’t just crush Penelope’s or Prentiss’. Spencer would definitely look for me at Frank’s, Lu’s, and Mikey’s. So I turned to the one person I didn’t want to be with during those circumstances, most of all because I didn’t want to explain anything and she was going to ask too many questions.

- “Baby, what are you doing here so late?”- mom opened the front door and stared at me in shock. My chin just quivered and I started crying again- “Oh my god! What happened? Are you hurt?”- she opened her arms and held me tight.

- “Can I stay here tonight?”

- “Of course, baby! Come on inside! You are shaking! Let me make you some tea.”

- “Can you make it a scotch?”- mom didn’t argue, she just nodded as she closed the door behind our back.

- “What happened?”- I followed her to the kitchen and sat at the aisle, watching her pouring a glass of scotch for me and one for her.

- “Spencer and I had an argument and I don’t wanna see him right now.”

- “Why? Oh my god! Did he cheat? ‘Cos if he did, I’m gonna kill him!”- I shook my head as I stared at mom’s face turning red with anger in a second.

- “No, but he lied and I found out the hard way. It’s… I don’t wanna talk about it, mom.”- Sofia just walked to me and hugged me. I had to bite my lips not to continue crying.

- “My baby, and a week before the wedding. There isn’t a worse time for an argument than this.”

The wedding. I had forgotten. But I couldn’t think of that at that minute. I was too upset to collect my thoughts and be rational. I just wanted to drink and forget at that minute.

Of course, I wasn’t going to be able to do either of those things, ‘cos the bell rang, and then someone knocked at the door frantically. I knew I had hidden the car in the garage, if Spencer was there looking for me, he couldn’t know I was in fact in the house.

- “That’s him. I am not here”- I said to my mom and grabbed my glass, running upstairs. Mom sighed and walked to the door. I hid upstairs and closed my eyes, in a futile effort to turn invisible, I think.

- “Spencer! What happened? You scared me! Is there something wrong? Is my daughter ok?”

- “Sofia, I am sorry to bother you so late at night, but… have you seen (Y/N)?”

- “No, I haven’t seen her in days. Why? What happened? Is everything ok?”- I have to give kudos to my mom, she is an excellent actress. I was sure she was fooling Spencer.

- “We… we just had a small argument and she ran off. I am worried ‘cos she left her cell phone and her keys and I don’t know where she is.”

- “I am so sorry to hear that Spencer, but if it was a small argument, I am sure she will reconsider and come back home very soon.”

- “If she comes over, would you please tell her to come home? I need to talk to her and explain how things happened. I don’t want her to make any rushed decision.”- Spencer begged, and my heart kept breaking with every word. A part of me wanted to hold him, and an even bigger part of me wanted to smack the shit out of him. Fucking liar.

- “I will if I see her. But you know, Spencer, my daughter doesn’t usually turn to me for help. Did you try at Frank’s, Lu or Mikey’s? Maybe they have seen her.”- mom’s voice was smooth and confident. Best performance of her life.

- “I did… now they are mad at me too.”- Spencer mumbled- “Well… if you know anything…”

- “I will definitely call you.”

- “Thank you, Sofia.”

Mom closed the door and I finished what was left in my glass in one shot. After a few minutes, when I heard him closing his car door, I stood up and walked downstairs.

- “He seemed honestly concerned, honey. He wasn’t pretending.”

- “I know”- I whispered as I walked into the kitchen and poured myself another drink- “I’m not saying he is a bad person, I’m saying he fucked up way too much for me to just simply forgive him. I don’t even wanna see him right now.”

- “But if he didn’t cheat, what did he do?”

I opened y mouth and no word came out. Did I want to tell my mom the truth about Spencer?

- “He still lied about something very serious, mom. Please don’t ask me all the details now.”

- “Fine, I’m not gonna push you. But you know you can trust me, right peanut?”- mom held my hand and I nodded. I knew we didn’t have the best relationship, but I knew she loved me.

- “Thank you.”

- “Now let’s try to get some sleep, you still need to go to work tomorrow and deal with this mess.”

I groaned at the thought of getting up early and going to work, mostly ‘cos it meant being with Spencer and seeing the rest of the team. I was sure they had a lot of questions too.

My room was a time capsule. Mom always kept my and my brother’s rooms clean and almost ready for us to come back. I didn’t want to deal with that sign of her denial at the minute, I had too much on my plate by then. I sat on my bed and looked at the posters on the wall. That was the last place I pictured myself a week before my wedding. That was another thing I didn’t want to think about: The wedding. How could I marry a man I didn’t trust anymore?

I lay on my old bed and stared at the ceiling. There were still some glow-in-the-dark star stickers up there. I remembered the day we got them at the mall, and Mikey helped me put them on the ceiling, ‘cos he was way taller than me at the time (and still is).

- “Hello?”- thinking about Mikey made me want to talk to him- “Nugget?”

- “Yeah, hey.”

- “What happened? Doc showed up here a while ago, asking if I had seen you…”

- “We fought.”- I whispered.

- “Figured.”- my friend sighed as I just laid on my bed, in silence- “So you are at your mom’s.”

- “Yeah, calling from my old room, old telephone… if things go wrong I can always choke myself with the cord.”

- “Loving your positivity, girl. What happened?”- I sighed and thought about my words before I answered, I knew I could trust Mikey, I just… I don’t know. It hurt too much to think about what had just happened, I guess.

- “He lied.”

- “Did he cheat?”- I chuckled thinking that would, of course, be the worst scenario for everybody.

- “Not technically. But he did lie about… remember when I helped him detox a million years ago?”

- “Yeah…”- Mikey made a pause and gasped- “He started using again?!”- I don’t know why I nodded if he couldn’t see me- “Did you see him getting high? Was he violent?”

- “No. I found a bottle of Dilaudid in his jacket.”

- “Shit.”

- “Yeah.”- I took a deep breath and made the biggest effort to keep my tears back. I didn’t want to cry “in front” of Mikey or of anyone as a matter of fact.

- “I’m gonna kill him.”

- “Not if I kill him first. And as far as I remember, I’m the one carrying a gun.”- I could feel my friend’s hesitation through the line. Was I serious or was I kidding? Not even I knew.

- “Nugget… did he give you any explanation? Did he even try to justify his actions?”

- “I refused to talk to him. I was too mad. He didn’t tell me felt that bad. He never hinted he might start using again, and just a few days ago he denied getting drugs or even thinking about using again. There is nothing to explain. He is a drug addict and a liar. And I don’t wanna know what he has to say.”

- “I can’t believe he is doing this to you. He loves you so much.”

- “Well, apparently, he loves that fucking needles more than he loves me.”- I didn’t want to believe my own words, but honestly, at that point, they seemed to be true.

- “Wanna come over tomorrow? Frank and Lu could come too, we can talk this through, try to…”

- “Thanks. I am not really sure I wanna see anyone right now.”

- “That’s why I said tomorrow, nugget. Not today.”- I kept my eyes glued to the ceiling for a moment, not saying a word. Mikey sighed again and probably rolled in bed.

- “Remember when we got those glow-in-the-dark star stickers for my ceiling?”

- “Yeah, we were twelve or something. Why do you ask?”

- “You and Frank made fun of me and Lu and said these things were gonna fall in an hour, and they are still there.”

- “So? I will start trusting industrial glue from now on.”

- “They lasted more than my relationship with Reid.”

- “Don’t say that, (Y/N). Don’t. Not until he explains what actually happened.”

- “What? Are you on his side now? Did he melt you with his useless explanations when he stopped by your place?”

- “No. I’m just saying don’t make any decision just yet. Not until you talk to him.”

- “I don’t wanna talk to him.”

- “You are mad today, but tomorrow you’ll see things much clearer.”

- “I’m not so sure about that, Mikey. I’ll talk to you tomorrow and I’ll let you know.”

- “If you don’t call me in the morning, I’m gonna stop by your work at lunch.”

- “You haven’t done such a thing ever since I started working at the BAU. Why should I believe you?”

- “I dunno. To surprise you?”

- “Good night Mikey.”

- “Don’t make any rushed decision, nugget. Spencer loves you.”

- “So what if he does? He lied, got drugs, and didn’t tell me how he felt. What kind of love is that?”

- “He is only human, (Y/N). You can’t ask him to be perfect. He is gonna fuck up, but he can redeem himself, can he?”

Honestly, I didn’t know if he could. You see, lying is one thing, but lying and using drugs after promising me you were never going to do it again, that’s a completely different thing.

- “Good night Mikey.”

Spencer’s point of view

The second I saw (Y/N) walk into the house with that damn jacket, I knew what was gonna happen. It all hit me quite fast. My mistake. The fact I had actually forgotten I had gotten that shit was my first and biggest mistake. Why didn’t I get rid of it when I could? How could I forget I had it around? Hidden. I should have known I couldn’t hide anything from her. Why did I even try?

- “(Y/N)?”- the look in her eyes was brokenhearted as she stared at me from the other side of the room. Not a single word left her lips. She was struggling not to cry, and I was starting to panic.

- “(Y/N), wait!”- I begged and started walking toward her as she turned her back to me and basically scaped out of the house.

- “(Y/N)! Please stop!! Let me explain!!”- I ran after her and watched her get into her car. Her eyes were filled with tears as she started the engine and drove away from me, leaving me alone, with all my explanations.

- “Spencer? What the hell happened?”- Penelope showed up as I started sobbing, my lips quivering as I made my best not to cry, ‘cos I honestly didn’t want to give our friends any kind of explanation about what had just happened.

- “I need to go.”- I mumbled and turned back into the house to get our things.

- “Spencer!”- Garcia yelled and followed me closely.- “What the hell happened? Why did (Y/N) run away so fast?”

- “Kid?”- Morgan was waiting at the door, but I didn’t reply to him either. I just gathered all of our things, turned to Rossi, and nodded.

- “I’m sorry, but I have to go. Thank you for everything, David.”

- “Reid.”- Hotch stopped me and walked me to the door.- “Is (Y/N) ok?”

- “I… I don’t know.”

- “Is everything ok between you two?”

- “I honestly don’t know.”- I didn’t want to answer any of those questions, but after such a scene, it felt necessary, I guess- “I’m sorry about all this. I have to go”- Hotch didn’t say another word, he just nodded as I ran out of the house, desperately searching for a cab.

- “Shit, shit, shit”- I walked down the street, carrying (Y/N)’s purse, looking for a taxi. I wanted to call her, ask where she was, stop her angst, and tell her I hadn’t used a drop of drug ever since she helped me rehab four years ago.

She wasn’t going to talk to me after this, I knew her. She was going to close emotionally, and honestly, so would I after that massive fuck up. I knew I had broken her heart. I had ruined her trust. And I didn’t know how to fix that. Just a few days ago she had told me she knew she wouldn’t be able to deal with me using drugs again, and now she just found drugs in my pocket. Why am I so stupid?! How could I let this happen? Why did I have to be so stupid to get that fucking bottle of Dilaudid?

A cab finally appeared and I basically jumped into the back seat.

- “Where to, chief?’”

- “1333 Connecticut Ave.”

I gave the driver Frank’s address, which was closest (technically) but also was the one person (Y/N) would turn to first in case of trouble. But… she knew I knew that which meant she wasn’t going to go there first. I groaned and held my head with both hands as I tried to think clearly. I could do it for a case, I could do it with any other problem in life. But when it came to (Y/N), I just couldn’t do it.

I was desperate. I felt I was running out of oxygen. I wish I didn’t know her so well because I had clear how screwed I was. Of all the things on earth I could ask (Y/N) for forgiveness, I knew drugs were a topic she would never be merciful with. She hated me, of that I was sure. I hated myself so at least we agreed on something.

- “Here we are”- the driver announced, but I was already halfway out of the cab, I threw him a twenty and ran to Frank’s door. I pushed his apartment ring so many times, I was afraid I had broken it.

- “What the fuck?!”

- “Frank! Sorry! It’s Spencer!”

- “Doc! Come on up!”- he opened the door for me and I ran the four floors to his door. Halfway up I realized it was obvious (Y/N) wasn’t there: Frank opened the door. He would have never done it if he knew what I had done.

- “Is everything ok? Is (Y/N) ok? Where is she?”- Frank stood by the opened door and looked at me with terror in his eyes. I don’t know what I looked like, running frantically inside his apartment and searching around for my fiance.

- “I am looking for her! Have you seen her? Is she here?”- I tried to breathe, but it was honestly getting harder every second. Frank closed the door confused and walked to me, holding both my shoulders and staring at me.

- “What the fuck are you talking about, doc? Where is (Y/N)?”

- “I don’t know where she is. We… we had a fight and she ran away.”- my friend frowned and stayed still for a second, processing all the information.

- “What? You two had an argument? Why? What did you do?”- it was very sweet of him to assume I had done wrong. He was also very right.

- "She… we… I had..."

- "Frank?"- I heard a female voice coming from his room and my heart skipped a beat. I let him go and ran over, opening the door just to find… a naked girl in his bed.

- "(Y/N)!! Shit! Sorry!"- the poor girl covered herself and screamed as I quickly turned around, bumping into Frank- "I'm sorry I didn't know you had a friend over."

- "What the fuck are you doing, Reid?! Where is (Y/N)? What the fuck did you do to her?"- Frank shouted in my face as I tried to focus.

- "She is mad at me and won't let me explain anything. She just ran off after…"- I looked at his closed bedroom door but still felt uncomfortable talking about that issue so close to a stranger. So I walked back to the living room knowing Frank would follow me.

- "A few years ago I was abducted and my captor forced me to use Dilaudid. After that, I was hooked for a few months until (Y/N) helped me detox. I've been going to NA meetings every month ever since and I haven't relapsed. But…"

I paused and looked at him, he didn't look surprised at all, he only looked mad.

- "Did she ever tell you?"

- "What the fuck did you do Spencer?"- his voice was closer to a growl at that minute, and his eyes were still deep in anger.

- "Nothing!! I swear!! She thinks I relapsed 'cos she found a bottle of Dilaudid in my jacket! But I didn't!! I could never do that to her!"

- "Then why did you have it?! Did it magically appear in your pocket?!”- Frank lost it again and yelled at me. I flinched and couldn't even open my mouth to reply.

I know anyone could think Frank’s reaction was out of proportion. But it wasn’t. You see, (Y/N) was his best friend on earth and he loved her like a little sister. And I had hurt his little sister. If you ask me, I was fucked.

- “Look, I know I ruined things with her, but for a small fragment of time after Prentiss’s death, I thought I needed it. I didn’t! I never used it! I should have gotten rid of it!”

- “You shouldn’t have fucking got it in the first time, Spencer!!”- Frank really looked like he was about to smack me.

- “I know! I know! And now she thinks I’m probably using it again! And she will want to cancel the wedding and dump me! And it’s all my fault!”- Frank shook his head and walked to the kitchen.

I followed him waiting for his yells. Maybe he could punch me. I was even looking forward to it, I deserved all the pain he was willing to make me feel. I could take anything, except (Y/N)’s rejection.

But no. Instead, he got me a beer and one from himself. He opened it, sat by the aisle, and moved a chair for me.

- “You are an asshole.”

- “I know! But I don’t have time for a beer and some advice! I need to find her!”

- “Dude, you won’t find her tonight. And trust me, you don’t wanna talk to her right now. You need to wait until her anger soothes a little… if that’s even possible considering how deep into shit you are right now.”

I stared at him and grabbed the beer, sipping it and almost drinking half of it. Frank raised an eyebrow and sighed.

- “Neither Mikey nor Lu had called me yet, which means she is not there either.”

- “I don’t care, I’m going anyway.”- I don’t know why I acted like a brat, but in my defense, I was desperate and I wasn’t thinking straight.

- “Doc, you fucked it up. You have to plan your apology instead of running around town like a headless chicken!”

- “She is gonna cancel the wedding!”- I yelled and jumped from the chair, feeling the walls closing in.

- “If you talk to her tonight she might!”- Frank lit a cigarette and nodded- “Think Spencer! You’ve known her for so long, use all your (Y/N) intel to figure out how to fix this instead of acting with your guts!”

- “I don’t have time to think! She is gonna… I just need to hold her.”- I bit my lips as I paced across that kitchen, feeling impotent and useless- “I know I have a wealth of knowledge about her I could be applying to find her and apologize effectively. But right now, I can’t focus on anything for longer than three seconds at a time, which makes me the dumbest person in this room.”

- “Jeez, thanks”- Frank chuckled and stood up to wrap an arm around my shoulders, as I inevitably broke down in tears.

- “I love her so much it hurts. And I need to find her so I can explain to her I would never do anything that might hurt her,”

- “Doc, getting that bottle hurt her. She is out there thinking you picked drugs over her.”

Yes, I knew it was stupid of me to say “I would never hurt her” when I had just done that exact thing. But trust me, I wasn’t myself that night.

I sobbed against Frank’s shoulder as he hugged me in silence for a few minutes.

- “47.450”- I whispered as wiped off my tears with my jacket and started walking around the kitchen again.

- “What are you talking about Doc?”

- “47.450 is the number of hours I’ve spent with her ever since I met her. One hour without her and I feel I’m losing my mind. Please help me.”- he stared at me not knowing what to say- “Help me find her.”

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