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allbuthuman · 1 year

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BSD and loneliness

Loneliness and what it does to a person, as well as how far the attempts to counteract it can go, what they can and can't do, is an overarching theme in Asagiri's writing, and many of the stories portrayed can basically boil down to "this person is suffering because they are really, really lonely", which I love. Here I want to focus more on loneliness of the "existential" type, the one that's almost intrinsic to someone and stems from who they are rather than whom they do or don't have around them, because, in my mind, it makes for great tragic stories.

Dazai

He is the most obvious example, and probably one of the loneliest characters I've ever come across. Able to comprehend everything, yet unable and from a point onward unwilling to be comprehended, no one can understand his mind, and even those "like him" who might, like Fyodor, won't understand his emotions. First of all, of course, he controls them too well. Secondly, although I do think there are moments he shows a need for connection, he does that from the safety of his usual persona (for example, hiding behind his usual teasing), so that, in the mind of others, there is no clear distinction between the two. Thirdly, the awareness he has of his own emotions is probably very low, since he's learned that the only way to survive and make sense of himself and the world is to rationalise. There are meagre chances for Dazai the human being with emotions to be less lonely, until he chooses to let himself be seen and be vulnerable, and, at this point, it would probably be extremely hard for him to actually practice that, even if he did make the decision.

Dazai does understand that it's better for people to be with one another rather than alone. It's clear even in Stormbringer, when his mental health is arguably at its lowest. It's clear in Dark Era, when he says that if everyone around him died, it would be a form of suicide (I'm using these examples even though there are clearer ones because these are probably the times he was doing the worst). But he doesn't believe that he can have true companionship, and is also being taught to believe that attachment is a weakness, that loneliness is where he belongs.

And then there's Oda, who, while admittedly unable to understand his mind, comprehended exactly this loneliness of his. He and Ango both did, and, as per the light novel, they could not manage to interfere, but were by him as he experienced it. And yet he barely knew that was the case, until Oda made it clear, and then the one person who he now knew could see him died.

But what people rarely comment on is how much capacity to care for someone Dazai had. There was one person, the first person who saw beyond the unpredictable Demon Prodigy, the first person who acknowledged his loneliness - didn't even manage to break through it, just acknowledged it and treated him with care, and that was enough for Dazai to care about him as much as he did, and that is heartbreaking in itself.

Lastly, but perhaps the most telling point of all is Asagiri himself admitting that he never knows what Dazai is thinking. I don't want to get too into meta, but being the creation of someone, and still not being understood by your own creator is possibly the loneliest position I can think of.

Verlaine

My second favourite example, because here we have someone who was loved, and he knew that he was loved, but it wasn't enough to change things.

Verlaine's loneliness is objective, in the sense that he really is fundamentally different than those around him, he really is not biologically human. That loneliness of his, combined with the hatred that it fostered, was what led him to seek Chuuya - he thought that the only person who could understand him was one who shared that nature, and incorrectly believed that Chuuya would think so as well. He needed Chuuya, and thought that Chuuya would need him in he same way. He was, however, wrong, because Chuuya, being uncertain of his humanity instead of certain of his inhumanity, put great effort into being among other people instead of discarding them.

Rimbaud knew Verlaine's nature since the beginning. He accepted it, he cared for him and loved him regardless. He knew that it made him suffer and was there for him, and he did try to empathise with him, while knowing that it was impossible, because the gap was not one that could be mended. In Verlaine's case, no love could be enough to change his nature, a nature that made him look at the world with hate, including the person who loved him. To a person who feels like they should never have been born, even the sincerest "I'm glad you were born" would only cause pain, until it was too late.

Of course, that's not to say that he actually hated Rimbaud - it's very apparent from the ending of Stormbringer that he cared about him, and that he did appreciate all the efforts he made for him. I don't know if you want to call it love, but it's the closest thing he had the capacity for. But, at the end of the day, nothing that Rimbaud would do could change the fact that Verlaine perceived the gap between himself and the world as unbridgeable. Yet still, he was affected. Nothing could really change, but Rimbaud reached him somehow, although the ending couldn't have been different.

Shibusawa

Here we have an example of someone who shared a similar kind of loneliness, but never had anything to counteract it. He's portrayed as comparable to Dazai and Fyodor: smarter than everyone around him, detached and bored. But, in contrary to Dazai, he isn't shown having any meaningful relationship that could challenge that. This difference is recognised by Dazai, who tells him to his face that he wouldn't think like that if he had any friends. This is a "playful" way to put it, but in reality Dazai simultaneously empathises with his point of view and discards it, because he now knows better than to view people the way Shibusawa does.

I haven't read the light novel, I'm just basing this on the movie, so I can't say much more, but I think his character works as a good point of contrast between people who still try to find "meaning" and those like him, who have decided it's not worth it.

Curious to see where Fyodor, the other so-called superhuman, will fall in regards to this loneliness, but I think we don't know enough about him and how he actually feels in order not to grasp in the dark.

(part 2 about the less existential type of loneliness if i gather enough coherent thoughts)

#this is long i'm sorry #there are honestly so many characters like even side characters #for example verne and even more so gab in 55 mins #i think ranpo is more of an example of the ''regular'' kind of loneliness but kind of in between #oda is in between too based mostly on what we know about his teen self #me obsessed with loneliness as a theme? never #bungou stray dogs #bsd #bsd analysis #bsd dazai #dazai osamu #osamu dazai #bsd verlaine #paul verlaine #verlaine bsd #bsd dead apple #dead apple #bsd shibusawa #shibusawa tatsuhiko

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monstersdownthepath · 7 months

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Lord of Lost Dreams: Shamira, Princess of the Porphyry City

CR 25

Chaotic Evil Medium Outsider

Adventure Path: Wrath of the Righteous: The Midnight Isles, pg. 74-75

This blazing Nascent Demon Lord is the closest thing to a friend that Nocticula has, serving as the ruler of the second-largest island among the Midnight Isles, Nocticula's Abyssal realm. It goes without saying that despite being one of the only creatures in existence that Nocticula values as a lover, companion, minion, enforcer, AND friend (rather than just one, or as multiple of them but sarcastically), the two demons are constantly keeping one another on their toes. The nature of the Abyss is fierce competition and rampant parasitism even among creatures who consider each other allies, after all. While Shamira will eventually become the ruler of the Midnight Isles and potentially ascend to full Demon Lord, this article is how she's portrayed in 1e as the Nascent Lord at Nocticula's side. Her greatest warrior, her shining star in the Abyss... and perhaps someone purposely hand-crafted as her eventual successor when she ascended.

While her future has been clearly revealed, Shamira's past is naught but smoke and ash, rumors and questions she does not answer but does not discourage. There are hints here and there that she was not always the burning succubus she is now, chief among them being her bizarre animosity towards Sarenrae and the powers she gains by slaying or corrupting the Dawnflower's followers. She has the power of Divine Deception, shielding her alignment from all forms of detection and instead causing her to read as the alignment of whatever deity she carries a holy symbol of. This ability lasts only 2d6 hours before the symbol crumbles to dust... UNLESS it's a symbol of Sarenrae, in which case it lasts 24 hours.

There's more to it than that, of course, but the greatest hint that there's something at play FAR worse than simple hatred for a specific goddess is Shamira's uncanny resemblance to Sarenrae's most common portrayal. One wonders who the father may have been. But we're not here to speculate on divine family trees, are we? We're here to see how badly the Abyss' own blazing angel can kick your ass!

It goes without saying that Shamira is more keen on avoiding fighting, much like her mistress. She prefers having minions and servants to roasted adventurers and extra scars, and if you're not careful, you may end up wrapped around her finger in as little as one round. Hope your Will saves are beefed up, because Shamira loves using her at-will Mass Suggestion and Charm Person to shape the party's actions before she ever even unveils herself from her disguise. She's even got Quickened Dominate Person at 3/day if she wants to skip having to make checks to manipulate the party with carefully worded spells altogether. As with many fiends of seduction and enchantment, the greatest obstacle in a battle with Shamira is getting to a battle in the first place without the party suddenly tearing each other apart!

She's no less dangerous from afar. Should she get any scrap of tissue or a belonging from one of the party, you can bet she'll be using her 1/day Nightmare to ruin their lives. Her Nightmare is vastly empowered from the standard spell thanks to her Dream Haunting, allowing her to combine her Energy Drain (2 levels) or ANY of her mind-affecting spells with it to harass her foes regardless of distance. What's worse (yet slightly amusing) is that her Energy Drain is also empowered, and she may cause any creature who suffers her drain to burst into flames for 8d6 Fire damage each round until they die or put themselves out. So even if a creature survives the 2 levels of drain, they may still die as they suddenly explode in their sleep! Hitting a vulnerable party member (or NPC ally) with this ability won't just ruin THEIR night, it may cause the party's whole base to go up in smoke! Fire spreads, after all.

There is another interesting power her Dream Haunting gives her, and that's her ability to use Profane Benediction from a distance. Like a lesser Succubus, Shamira can gift a willing mortal with a +4 to any one of their ability scores and establish a psychic link with them, letting her communicate telepathically across any distance and use Suggestion at-will on them. While any Succubus can give a buff to a willing mortal, Shamira is the only one who can do so from a distance if she needs to! Given her power to shapeshift and disguise her alignment perfectly, it's easy for the Ardent Dream to slowly manipulate and corrupt entire cities, one personal visit or bad dream at a time, victims rarely realizing they're being had. Worshipers of Sarenrae receiving this Benediction also gain immunity to Fire damage, and given Shamira's resemblance to the biggest and most famous goddess of the sun, unfortunate worshipers can be easily tricked into believing she's the real deal and fail to break out of her grip until she's corrupted them completely, or at least turned them into destructive fanatics.

Once the party has undone her scheme and fought past her minions, she's no less of a threat. Like many high-level Medium-sized foes, getting out of her reach makes her melee prowess plummet, but allowing her to Full-Attack you is a doozy: two wing attacks for 1d8+4 damage, two claws for 1d8+9, and a tail slap for 2d6+4 damage that attempts to Grab and Constrict creatures it hits for 2d6+13 more damage. ALL of her natural attacks inflict 4d6 Fire damage, and ALL of her natural attacks also inflict that lingering 8d6 burn damage if the victim fails even a single DC 38 Reflex save to avoid catching fire. She's also surrounded on all sides by a permanent Fire Shield, dealing 1d6+15 Fire damage to any creature that attacks her with a non-reach weapon, which very quickly adds up as there's no way to avoid it without using reach or ranged weapons!

But of course, a classy lady like Shamira wouldn't be caught dead dirtying her hands in melee, like some kind of idiot. No, she's a smaller version of her flighty, ranged-attack-loving boss in almost every way in that she's summoning demons as cover during Time Stop, but she adds some extra paused-time sauce by laying down her 3/day Empowered Delayed Blast Fireball as a fun prank for when time restarts. Then while your ears are still ringing from taking anywhere from effectively 30 to 90d6 points of Fire damage, she's up in the air with her Firebow, plinking away at your party as you deal with her summons and anyone she's taken command of with Dominate. She can create or dismiss her favored +5 Flaming Burst Unholy Composite Longbow at will as a swift action, so you can't disarm her or steal it, and she can fire it upwards to four times a round (five if she uses Rapid Shot, which she has no reason not to) for 1d8+14 + 1d6 Fire damage. Every arrow also inflicts her 8d6 burn damage just to keep up the DPS between rounds, and incentivizing her to spread the love around before focusing one target down.

You may be wondering by this time what her fire gimmick is, then. Every demigod of fire has one; Moloch deals Hellfire damage, Zelishkar deals half damage even to creatures immune to Fire, Chavazvug shuts off Fire Resistance/Immunity entirely, etc. In the case of this flaming succubus, her Fiery Passion allows her to bypass Fire Immunity and Fire Resistance entirely unless her target is completely immune to mind-affecting effects... which, in the case of players, means there's basically no way for them to avoid any of her fires, her Burn, or her spells (like her thus-far unmentioned 1/day Meteor Swarm). The wording is quite strict: it HAS to be complete immunity! Boosting saves with the likes of the reliable Mind Blank simply won't work. Other demigod-level creatures and, amusingly, fireproof Oozes and Vermin are typically safe from Shamira's Fiery Passion, but everyone else has to jump through hoops to avoid being burned.

Ironically this means Shamira herself isn't immune to her own Fire damage, because she's only immune to charms and compulsions, not mind-affecting effects in general. If you huck her Delayed Blast Fireballs back at her somehow or give her a hug while you're on fire from her Burn (WARNING: Do Not Do This, she has Fire Shield on constantly), she'll crisp herself. It's not likely to happen, but the fact it can happen at all is very, very funny to me.

You can read more about her here.

#Monster Spotlight #CR 21 to 25 #Pathfinder #Lords of Sin Month

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moonlit-positivity · 4 months

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Growing up in a competitive household can really affect so much of how you view relationships as an adult. I don't think we realize exactly how our parental bonds and dynamics really sticks with us into adulthood, but if you grew up in a household where you had to constantly compete for your parents time, love, affection, or just were straight up neglected these things, then you grow up with the looming effects of the dysfunctional system you grew up with constantly interfering with every relationship you encounter, platonic, romantic, and otherwise. Your inner critic becomes that of your parents voice, constantly. Your parents got drunk every day? You're competing against the alcohol. They're telling you the substances are more important than you. They're also telling you that you are the reason they're suffering. You internalize that. Your parents yelled at you every day? You're competing against their expectations of you. They're telling you they want you to be more like them. They're also telling you you will never be "good enough" no matter what you do they will never see you for who you truly are, because they are so fixated on what they want you to be. They made you feel guilty every time you opened your mouth even for the simplest of things? You've learned that in order to survive you've got to hide the most important, wholesome, and vulnerable parts of you. And this is dangerous, because they tell you you are the problem for having these needs but it's not like these needs go away. So you look for it in other people. It opens us up for the predators and abusers who can give us that "affection" to keep us hooked. And we won't leave, because we need it so bad it's all we can get. But these dynamics are also dangerous because we grow up internalizing all of this pain thinking that every single interaction we have is going to treat us the exact same way our parents showed us how to interact with other humans as a kid. So we fawn. We pretend to be interested in people and things they like as a mirror so they'll easily like us, because we had to fawn to our parents as kids. We fight. We get loud and aggressive when we feel threatened that our control is being taken away, because we never had control as kid nor the safety to express ourselves in a way that wouldn't get us killed by our parents. We flee. We run away when our true selves are being perceived because it triggers the deeper wounds of our parents constantly cutting us off. And we freeze. We stay paralyzed in relationships that are harmful to us because we literally have no other conception of how we would like to be treated outside of competition and abuse, because this is the groundwork our parents have laid for us to know. It becomes like a home for us. And it's incredible how this is the basis of so so so many symptoms of personality disorders, that we very rarely get talked about from therapists and mental health awareness up until very recently. This is why trauma informed therapy makes all the difference in the world for personality disorders-- because our childhoods really do hold the answers for all that we've been through. And you deserve the same amount of compassion to work through these things as anyone else in this world.

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vaguefiend · 1 year

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Today, I want to tell you all a story. I tell a lot of stories, but this one is much more important. This story hasn't had the end written yet. And depending on how we act, right now, we could change and save lives.

If you care about Black trans women, please read and share.

The fight for trans liberation is often seen as a purely western phenomenon, but this view does a massive disservice to those who are fighting to exist and thrive all over the world. These people matter, and their stories matter.

I want to introduce you to Shinah.

I had the incredible privilege of speaking to Shinah personally, and I was absolutely blown away by her courage, her resilience, and her tenacious optimism. She inspires me and humbles me.

She is a trans woman living in rural Uganda and she is a defender of human rights.

In 2018, she founded the Pride for Youth Initiative Uganda to protect fellow trans women in rural Uganda. In 2019, her life fell apart.

In Uganda, queer people are illegal. They suffer incredible harrassment and violence not only from law enforcement, but from their communities.

In 2019, Shinah was at a gay bar when the police raided it. She was arrested. When she was tried, neither her lawyer nor her were even permitted to speak. She was sent to jail.

But that was only the beginning.

The police outed Shinah as queer to her family.

Shinah's family responded by kicking her out of their home and lives. She was homeless, with nowhere to go. It was through her own inimitable spirit that she managed to survive.

This experience inspired her to create a shelter for trans women, especially sex workers.

She did it. Through the Pride for Youth Initiative, Shinah established a shelter for trans women in rural Uganda. The need was great. This shelter is the last place trans women in rural Uganda can turn, in an environment where their communities and governments are against them.

But their troubles didn't end there. The surrounding community has pressured their landlord into evicting them from the shelter. If the landlord won't evict these trans women from their shelter, the community threatens mob violence.

So Shinah and the other trans women staying at her shelter are now faced with the impossible; raise enough money to relocate 13 incredibly vulnerable Black trans women in rural Uganda in the next 8 days.

They only need 7,500 dollars. They have 2,000 dollars to go.

So this is an emergency. These women are at incredibly high risk of not only homelessness, but violence from their community. Their courage in simply existing is unimaginable to many of us in more privileged positions.

Shinah told me this morning that she is afraid, but that won't stop her, because she is fighting for human rights. She told me she is prepared to be arrested again, or to even be killed, to do this work. She told me those are simply the risks one must accept.

To say I am humbled and inspired by her and the other women staying at her shelter is an understatement. Our entire conversation, even while recounting her traumatic experiences, Shinah was smiling. The strength of her person and her convictions is an inspiration to us all.

This fundraiser could be life or death for 13 Black trans women in rural Uganda. To say that the struggles they have already faced are immense is an understatement. They are willing to keep fighting, not only for themselves, but for others. They have 8 days left before eviction.

If we claim to care about trans people, that must extend to the most vulnerable trans people. If we claim to care about trans liberation, that must extend globally, especially to exploited regions. Trans people are everywhere.

Again; this is an emergency. 13 Black trans women in rural Uganda are facing eviction and community mob violence unless they can raise enough money to relocate in the next 8 days. Please open your heart and your wallet. It could literally save lives.

https://gofund.me/bd4d26d2

I also want to emphasize that people in exploited regions are more than capable of saving themselves. They are fully capable, with advanced knowledge of their issues and communities. They know what they need more than those from more affluent areas.

Exploited regions have been shaped by colonization, racism and imperialism. It is not only kind, but morally imperative that those of us who benefit every day from this ongoing exploitation try to reduce this imbalance of power and affluence. This is a wonderful opportunity.

PLEASE keep sharing this and donating if you are able. I have been speaking to Shinah over Whatsapp today and none of the women have eaten today because they cannot afford food. This is still URGENT and these women are still in crisis.

Also relevant; I have spoken personally to both Shinah (over video) and Alexis, the American trans person organizing the GoFundMe, and can confirm this is legitimate and not a scam. If you would like confirmation or to get in touch with either of them, please reach out via DMs.

#uganda #trans #trans women #trans woman #trans fem #trans femme #mutual aid #transgender #trans activism #trans advocacy #trans rights #trans community #transsexual #trans rights are human rights #trans women are women #transisbeautiful

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writing-good-vibes · 9 months

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i will gladly talk about the silly little guys

you're so right, they are silly little guys !! our silly little guys !! 💗

honestly, i love just playing with them like dolls, making them suffer or just smashing them together in some pantomime of romance lol. and i'm sorry to all the barbie girlies (gn) out there, i only had one barbie and i never really played with her, but what i did fuck with was sylvanian families !! [was anyone gonna tell me they're called calico critters in america ??]

unfortunately this comparision got stuck in my head so brace yourselves for the sylvaniansonas i've picked for them below the cut, as well as a little break-down of why i generally like each pairing.

corey: a chestnut dog. he's got curly-adjacent hair and a sort of youthful, go getter vibe. i think his fur would be a little bit darker, than this picture, but the length feels right. he's playful and wide-eyed and is not at all prepared for what his future is going to bring.

roger: a dalmatian. i feel like dalmatians are a little more classy and sophisticated, but still a large and intimidating breed, which is perfect for roger who is an upper-middle class gentleman. his dark patches might be greying a little bit, but he's handsome.

michael: a hound dog. strong and rugged. of course michael would be a little more gnarly, a little mangy maybe, with his fair share of scars and only one eye, but he's a hardy breed -- he'll survive to fight another day. i also kind of love how he and corey have the same central white patch on their faces, like corey is the slightly more plucky prodigy.

bo: a border collie. a very loyal and protective breed. it makes sense with bo being so orientated towards the family business (even if it's to a toxic degree) that he'd be a working breed. long fur means he can look a little dishevelled if not groomed, but there's something kind of majestic about him regardless.

because i've been watching soap operas for basically my whole life, i think corey and roger's affair is pretty much a storyline i would have come up with as a kid for my sylvanian family dolls. betrayal, heartbreak and villainy were staples of my imaginary world lol maybe back then i would have let theresa have her revenge but nowadays our silly little guys have to wallow in their own secret guilt.

i think the reason i love corey and roger so much is because even though there is the very serious and almost dark reality of them being together, it's also very fun to play around with them !! they have this very pop-culture romance, to me at least. there's so many ways you can play it; it's playful and dangerous and erotic and problematic and golden and dirty. it basically boils down to the contrast of fucked up suburbia (they're having this taboo affair, with both an age difference and power imbalance, corey is inexperienced and depending how you look at is, is being used because he's kind of just desperate for someone to want him) and a flirty summer romance (corey sort of has this idea of who roger wants him to be -- this playful, sweet young thing who's easy and insatiable, with rosy cheeks and who needs to be taken under this older man's wing, needs to be taken care of).

my love for corey and bo kind of comes from how they're both fucked up, and absolutely bring out the worst in each other, but ultimately they're similar (in whatever bad ways that might be) and it lets them be just a little bit vulnerable. they're violent and macho and their libido's are heavily adrenaline induced, it's rough and ready and it's what they both want before they let the bravado fall away. i sort of see their relationship as similar to the one corey would have with michael, only set on a much more levelled playing field.

now, corey and michael might be my most cherished pairing ever, which is saying a lot because i've been in this game for almost 10 years. ive talk about them so much in past posts that i won't rehash it too much here, but basically: corey found god and that god is michael. they're never going to be equals, they'll never have a normal, healthy relationship, they're always going to be on a knife's edge of michael's tolerance and corey's manipulation. but it's that intensity that makes corey fall head over heels, it's the unabashed danger and eroticism and power that makes corey weak at the knees. think unrequited love in an established relationship.

#ask #corey cunningham #roger allen #bo sinclair #ahh honestly thank you for this ask !! i love talking about all of them and any asks that give me free reign i keep close to my heart #if you (or anyone) has any thoughts they ever wants to share about our silly little guys. i'm the girl to hit up !!#am i aware i kinda just made the fursonas? yep #also take a shot everytime i say playful lol #oh god this ended up longer than i intended. but it's about all of our silly little guys so i hope you enjoy !!#edit: okay 2 weeks later and i have just been informed (i.e. saw on my dash) that sylvanian families are called calico critters in the US ?#WHAT ?? this has blown my mind 🤯

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ina-nis · 29 days

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Apparently, you're not supposed to fall in love and confess to your friends, huh? So how exactly are you supposed to do it? Using some dating app and going on dates with a stranger with the goal of knowing each other so you can start a romantic and/or sexual relationship?

I don't know about others but I cannot do romance without friendship first.

So that probably means all of my friendships are "doomed" right? Because I will fall in love with my friends, and I will confess to them and I will make things awkward and uncomfortable to them when I could've shoved my feelings up my ass to not ruin our beautiful friendship, right?

I was reading something earlier today that got me thinking and, of course, I got really defensive at first and also really worried and sad but... thinking about it more deeply and calmly, I can see it's a matter of emotional maturity and communication.

Many friendships won't survive a confession, that's true, but it doesn't mean the friendship would survive anyway.

Can you help who you fall in love with? Not really, but you can do many things to mitigate the issue, such as putting up a distance or walking away entirely. Whether a confession occurs or not, once the feelings are there and you're not able to "get rid of" them, you can confess, you can suffer in silence or you can leave. Regardless, that relationship will not be the same, if it survives at all.

I find it funny how people think a friend not confessing will save their friendship. It's very much excruciating to be in love with a friend and suffer in silence, I personally have walked away from many friendships, most of them, for that exact reason.

I really, really, really loathe the idea of dating a stranger with the goal of building a relationship with them... like you start going out with someone, and then become friends with them. It irks me out in so many ways and it's not, at all, something I'd like doing or feel comfortable doing.

Honestly, I don't care about making my friends "uncomfortable" with my love confessions because I'm a goddamn adult who happens to have communication skills and maturity to deal with these things without everything leading to complete destruction.

For some, friendships are these closed "contracts" that are never supposed to change, and you cannot add or removes clauses.

For others, like myself, friendships are foundational relationships. They're not set on stone and the "contract" can be changed to fit needs and other things.

I guess it's all a matter of being able to communicate properly.

And understanding that there's at least two sides to this. Even if it works for one of them, at some point things can change for the other, and that disruption cannot be always easily addressed.

For my own life, I take measures to keep myself from dealing with unnecessary drama and heartache. I can deal with rejections. I can deal with many things because I'm able to communicate how I feel and to inform, and enforce, my boundaries.

If confessing my feelings is enough to "destroy" a friendship, I will move the fuck on. I don't need or want to chase. The friendship is dead. Big deal. I can't really make my feelings disappear and I can't undo a confession, so I'm not suffering over it. That kind of thing happens. It's alright.

Now it might feel as if I don't value my friends as friends, right? Or as if I'm okay with simply walking away because it's impossible to have any kind of relationship now, right?

There's not really a separation between "friends" and "romantic partners" in my head. I want to date my best friend. I want to marry the friend I'm the closest and most vulnerable with. As a friend and a partner. I cannot have a "partner" without the "friend" piece.

So... I value my friends as friends while also desiring a romantic partnership, and I'm okay with walking away because people have their own personal reasons to not want to be friends with someone who is/was in love with them. It's none of my business, really. I'd rather spend my time and energy nurturing friendships that can handle these kinds of conflicts favorably (namely, talking things out and staying friends).

Besides, I'd not want to be (or remain) friends with people who see a love confession as a death sentence, as something bad, as a trap, or anything unpleasant, even if it comes from a place of trauma, etc. That's not my problem to sort out. Protect your own peace, and I'll protect mine.

#inanis post #romantic love

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biffhofosho · 1 year

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Chaper 2

Such a joy to read the next chapter immediately

OMG just to think of all the social things they have to do makes me incredibly tired, I am sorry for Naran, cause this went so wrong for her, she doesn’t know it’s a blessing in disguise and I am sad she will have t change the fresh air and open fields for a life trapped in a castle somewhere else.

Hyungwon is trying so, so hard and I love him for it

The way he describes his home country!!!

I am glad she will bring someone from her household

HE IS SO VULNERABLE, he is in love with her already and she is so wonderfully refreshing, all these obstacles will make the reward sweeter, OMG!

OH no she has to ride with the inlaws, gosh that’s terrible

They are very unpleasant, the king is very scary, but after all Naran’s mother was right, she can survive that and more.

The little sister!!!!! She will be an ally, i am sure of it.

Saran is the cutest of all and a stark contrast to her sister! I would die to protect her as well

Again how sad it must be for Naran to leave all of that behind just to accommodate her new husband

“It would have been cute like a boy’s were it not for the way his robe split open across his toned chest”

OK!

“Why do you keep threatening me with a bird?” THAT means he has no idea!!!! lol

Yisus, the whole conversation about her eagle, they are so alike, I am crying, they are both fierce and wild

No, it can;t end there! I am left bereft and hurt and I need them to be happy right now!!!

At least I can start the next one right away

but also ilSIHDF;SN;\SNV;L\KSNDV

I got you, boo. ;) ^^^found this just for us (since we were just talking about missing him heh heh) <3

Yes, thank you for saying so because when I think about my characters, I have to picture how they would truly react to all the pressures or relationships in their lives, and trying to live in a society that I never experienced firsthand makes that a challenge. Thinking about how introverts might have survived royalty makes me pretty sad honestly. I'm exhausted just imagining it!

The open sky is a huge theme in this, of course being grounded in the imagery and majesty of Mongolia, so trading that for what is essentially a cage is very important in Naran's struggles.

I'm sure it will come as NO SURPRISE to you that I base many of Hyungwon's nuances and interactions on his appearance with Youngji. Like the way he tries to connect with an anxious Naran is modeled on the way he tries to set Youngji at ease with his unsettling good looks by drinking with her before they even start their drinking games. I just extrapolated from there. He's such a sensitive and caring person who knows how to read a room because even if he isn't always talking, he's always listening. THAT'S SEXY AF. ;)

Korea and Mongolia are so different from one another just geographically speaking, which we will see lots more of as we muddle through the romance together, but since place is of CRITICAL importance in this for both of them, Hyungwon needs to be as invested in his homeland as Naran is in hers.

I love my in-laws irl, but riding with people that you don't know or actively resent for WEEKS at a time is harrowing to say the least. God help you if you find out thery're kinda dicks, too lmao.

Saran! Real talk, she's my baby and I will protect her so much. We needed to find the truest, most important reason for Naran to sacrifice herself and everything she ever wanted, so Saran had to be that for her. Glad you want to protect her, too!

And, I mean, it's overt that Naran's eagle is a symbol of her soul and hopes and desires, hence why we hear about it so much. Won't be the last time I dare say. :D

I DID TELL YOU THERE WAS ANGST EVEN THOUGH YOU TOLD ME THAT'S NOT HOW YOU INTERPRETED ANGST LOOOOOOOOOOL. But I will never let you suffer permenantly. At least you could dive right into the next chapter, my love. <3 You know how my favorite tension in writing is connection and disconnection. The payoff is always the sweeter this way.

#gee thanks #new bestie!#prisoner to temptation #you are the absolute most #what would i do without you

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elettrocardiodramma · 2 years

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Riflessioni di una ragazza assonnata

Some time ago I read about how we become those who would have saved us. At first I thought it was painfully relatable, but I've changed my mind.

Yes, we do become those people too, but we also turn into what has kept us surviving, and chances are they are not the same thing.

All my life I've felt invisible and out of place, my whole being crushed by the weight of my parents' ego. It's so ironic such a childish human being has never really felt like a child.

But I can see people. I see them as the multi-dimensional beings they truly are. I see them as ever-changing, ever-the-same splotches of ink. I see the daughter and the son. The friend, the lover. The second-grader, the adult. The brave, the scared.

I see all of that like photos that keep blending into each other, and I respect that. Better yet, I honor that. It feels so wrong, but I am entitled to acknowledge my value without feeling shame.

And it'd be so easy to mistake my true-self for that golden picture of me, but the truth is that as much as I am that person, as much as I cherish every single person I care about, as much as I've never ever in my whole life purposely hurt anyone, there is way more to me than that.

And that's right, isn't it? I mean, we CPTSD affectionados constantly feel worthless, broken, tainted. And while I can feel almost 25 years of guilt pervading every molecule of my skin, I also know that this is the least painful way to cope. The only one that makes sense.

Isn't it way more terrifying to think that in spite of anything we still get to feel and be treated like this? To believe to deserve one's suffering is to claim ownership over it. I'm not really vulnerable if I am the one in charge, if my destiny and doom are direct consequences of me.

It's not like that though: I'm not all bad, I'm not rotten, I'm not a monster and I did not deserve this.

I am human, in a way that's maybe more intense than most other people's as I keep burning, wrestling with life for a place of my own.

And no, I'm no saint either. That's the other treacherous lie we keep stumbling over. My potential self is not perfect, and it's never going to be.

I have trauma, I actually have buckets full of that to be honest, and for all my life I'll be walking with this scarred skin stretched over my bones.

It is my duty to learn how to breathe. It is my duty to draw the line between my present and my past. Mine to rewire my brain not to electrocute those who walk beside me, myself included.

And if sometimes sparks fly that's perfectly fine. Aim not to be flawless. We should aspire to become our best-selves, we've already been the good kids and it hasn't really turned out well, has it?

How many times have I been on the recieving end of an unfair treatment? How many times have I felt hurt? As an engineer I am tempted to look for a reasonable guess, but the point is that it has happened to me way more times than those in which I've actually been disrespected and abused.

People make mistakes, they may be forgetful and shallow at times. Blessed is the one whose mind has never been stolen by a shadow.

I do not uphold people to unreasonable standards. I do not expect you to always handle me with care. If you live in a house for long enough a glass is bound to break at one point.

And if I can love people even if even if, why should I settle for less?

If they can't look at you in the same way after witnessing your storms, they never cared in the first place. And you shouldn't waste your light on them, you know how hard it had to fight to overcome the rain.

And this is the lesson I need to learn, because sometimes people will see you, sometimes they won't, and while it does feel like the end of the world as daunting as it is, the love you need, that comes from within too.

#cptsd vent #cptsdsurvivor #self care

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whimsicallyreading · 3 years

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For Rowaelin Month day 17

“A sick day”

CW- PTSD, mentions of violence

Aelin considered herself a fortunate person.

She has survived genocide, her family's murders, losing loved ones, slavery, torture, and the Great War. Now she is a queen, a mother, a beloved Mate.

Her life had changed since those bleak days where she'd wondered if she would ever escape captivity—the days when Aelin didn't know if she would ever be free or find love again. Every morning she woke up curled into Rowan's side, and while she drank her morning tea, Aelin could count on her young daughter snuggling into her lap.

Yes, she was swamped most days, but that was normal for a queen. But even the moments between boring meetings brimmed with life and laughter. Rowan's hand on her thigh beneath the table. Fenrys' theatrics when conversation spiraled off-topic. And even the hardened lords thought it was hilarious when their three-year-old princess barged into councils and demanded her mother's attention.

Her family gathered for dinners at the end of every day. Aelin's little family, Fenrys, Emrys, and Malakai were the regular attendees. Aedion, Lysandra, Elide, and Lorcan joined when they were present. It was a time reserved for family only, and it was by far Aelin's favorite part of the day.

Aelin had a good life now. Her family was growing, and her country thrived beneath her rule.

So it always took her by surprise when a bad day came.

She had woken up fine. Delly had slammed open the chamber door with a gust of wind and squirmed herself between her and Rowan in the early morning. Usually, Aelin treasured the moments when her daughter joined them, but being pregnant again had taken a toll on her sleep.

Rowan tried to stop their child before she entirely collapsed onto Aelin but was a moment too slow. Delly flopped onto her mother's chest in a disarray of wrinkled nightgown and golden curls. Soft sobs were sputtering out of the tiny figure.

I'm sorry. Rowan whispered into her thoughts. He knew how hard pregnancy was on her and took his mate's comfort very seriously. It troubled him that their toddling daughter woke Aelin so abruptly.

Aelin blinks the sleep from her eyes and sends him a happy smile to assure him everything is fine.

"What's wrong, Dell?" Aelin soothes a hand up her baby's quaking form.

Adelia sniffles harder, unable to talk through the tears. She'd started to have bad dreams in recent weeks, but never had she been so inconsolable.

Aelin shifts as Adelia's arms tighten uncomfortably around her bump. Rowan sees her discomfort and reaches around to pull Dell to him instead, but it is met with resistance.

"No," Adelia finally wails. "Mama. I want Mama."

Rowan frowns. Adelia was a daddy's girl to the bone, and this was the first time she'd ever refused to go to him. Their daughter squeezes harder and burrows her face into Aelin's torso.

"Dell," Rowan leans next to her and whispers, a cool breeze brushing against her flushed cheek. "What's wrong little love?"

Adelia lifts her head, and Aelin's heart contracts painfully. Her cheeks are red and swollen from the intensity of her crying, little sobs still stumbling from her chest as Rowan settles her down enough to speak.

"Mama was gone. She was hurt, and she couldn't see me." Dell sniffles, her green eyes glassy. "Can you see me, Mama?"

Aelin tugs her daughter in closer, unable to stand the sight of her so sad. "Yes, of course, I can. I'm right here."

"You were in a box. She wouldn't let me see you," Adelia whimpers in a small voice. "She told me she was gonna keep you. I don't want you to go, Mama."

Aelin's face blanches. It wasn't possible. Her little baby couldn't possibly have seen what was coming to her mind. She looks at Rowan, and his face is pinched with worry.

"It's not real, Dell." Rowan uses a thumb to wipe the tears off her cheek.

Adelia flinches. "Uncle Ress told me it was. He told me Mama had got stollen and put into a box by the bad lady and that she should have stayed there."

Aelin's heart stops. Nausea crawls up her throat, and Rowan tugs Adelia away just in time for her to crawl out of bed and gag into a potted plant. The sickness grips Aelin, the shudders in her arms only growing worse with her daughter's mumbled cries.

"Daddy, I want Mama to stay here." Rowan hushes her and murmurs quiet reassurances. "Don't let her get stollen."

Ress had said that? In front of her daughter? Aelin tries to close her eyes against the visions creeping into her mind. The places her scars used to be ache, and her hands pulse with the remembered pain of reconstruction.

The baby in her womb squirms under its mother's stress, and Aelin throws up again.

She should have stayed there.

Cairn brings the hammer down onto her frail knees, the ringing of cracking bone splits the air.

She should have stayed there.

Aelin opens her eyes to endless darkness. Sweet smoke wafts through invisible holes and sends her to sleep- leaving her mind vulnerable to Maeve's manipulations.

She should have stayed there.

More and more memories swarm behind her eyelids until a pair of grounding arms wrap around her shoulders.

"Fireheart, you are home. You are safe. Can you breathe with me?" Rowan sighs loudly behind her shoulder, and Aelin tries to force her own breath out.

Breathing in is harder, but Rowan's scent fills her nose and loosens the binds on her lungs. Soon, Aelin is doing the exercises independently, and Rowan nuzzles his face into her neck. His hands snake under her bump and lift some of the pressure, easing more of her tension.

"There you are," Rowan kisses her cheek as Aelin comes back around. "Are you okay?"

Aelin shakes her head and sinks into his arms. "Can you take me back to bed?"

Her legs feel like jelly, and her stomach is weak from turning. Rowan lifts her with ease. His arms are warm, and he murmurs sweet nothings into her ear as he carries his mate back to their bed.

"Adelia?" Aelin looks around for their daughter.

Rowan pulls back the duvet and reveals the sleepy from nestled right into the middle of the pillows. "She fell back asleep quickly."

"I can't believe Ress told her those things," Aelin can feel a tear slipping down her face. Ress had never forgiven her for her days as Celaena. Darrow had grown to accept her, but Ress never warmed up to having Aelin as his queen despite her efforts.

She hadn't realized the extent his hatred went.

Rowan scowls as he lays Aelin down next to their daughter. "Ress is young and foolish. I have forgiven a lot of his hostility and ignored most of his juvenile antics, but Aelin, I can't forgive this."

"He should never have said those things to Dell." Ress's words linger in her head. She tried to do right by her title and live up to her parent's legacy. Aelin took a lot of pride in listening to the demands of her people and tending to their problems personally. But the odds of Ress being the only one to feel this way are slim. Did they wish she'd never returned? Was she arrogant to take the crown just because it was her inheritance? She'd never had the formal training as ruler and relied a lot on Rowan to help manage foreign affairs. Despite the loss of her fire, many still feared her and considered her a murderer. No matter how hard she tried, Aelin's history as Adarlan's Assassin proceeded her.

Tears burn Aelin's eyes, and Rowan's scowl deepens. "He should have never spoken of you like that at all."

Aelin shakes her head, "It's his right to think what he wants. Maybe he has a point."

"No." Rowan growls, and Dell flinches in her sleep. Taking a deep breath, Rowan softens his voice. "He's wrong, Aelin. Ress was wrong to scare Dell, and he has no right to demean everything you've sacrificed. You've suffered for your people."

"I closed the lock because I had to Rowan," Aelin argues. "That doesn't automatically make me a good queen. What if I'm failing?"

Rowan pulls their duvet up to Aelin's chin, and Dell instinctively snuggles to her mother's side. Her daughter was a leach for warmth, and Aelin could feel her remaining flames writhing in her veins agitated.

"You are a wonderful ruler, Fireheart." Rowan bends down and kisses her lips reverently. "I've met my fair share of emperors, kings, and queens. None of them have given up so much to better the lives of their people. They care for you in return."

Rowan steps away from the bed, and Aelin makes a displeased noise. "Where are you going so early in the morning."

"I'm awake now. I feel like a flight through Oakwald. Go to sleep, and when you wake up, I'll bring my females breakfast," Rowan pulls on a plain white tunic. "Sleep, love. You both need your rest."

Rowan can read her too well. Aelin can feel her eyes drooping despite how much she wants to deny it. "Very well, but there better be tea and pastries."

As Aelin drifts back to sleep, she swears that a mischievous smile passes across her mate's face.

~~~

"Aelin," Maeve twirls a lock of blonde hair in her fingers. "Where are the keys?"

Cairn twists the blade in her thigh again, and Aelin screams, "screw yourself."

Aelin writhes beneath the pain and the dark queen's gaze. Her torturer goes to twist the blade again, but Maeve holds up a hand. "Wait. There is a smarter way to go about this."

"I won't tell you anything," Aelin gasps, the blood seeping from her thigh pools onto the table. "There is nothing you can do."

"Not even to spare the princess?" Maeve smiles as the cell door opens. Connall walks into the room, a squirming girl in his arms.

"Let me go," the girl screams, and the air in the room turns frigid. Her blonde hair whips around as she twists and fights. The little girl's head turns, and she freezes when she catches sight of Aelin. "Mama?"

"Adelia?" Aelin asks, confused. "You can't be here. You aren't supposed to be here." With renewed energy, Aelin thrashes against her bonds and bares her teeth at Maeve.

Maeve takes Adelia from Connall and strokes her hair. "Such a pretty one."

"This isn't real," Aelin hisses. "I wasn't pregnant when you took me. Adelia was born in Terresan."

Maeve hums a sympathetic note, "It seems you're confused." Aelin fights as the dark queen sits with a frozen Adelia in her lap. "Begin again, Cairn."

A hot iron is lain against Aelin's neck, and Adelia's screams rattle the stone chamber.

~~~

Aelin wakes with a gasp. Her chest is seizing in uncontrollable fits, and little hands cup the sides of her face.

"Mama?" Adelia's concerned face hovers over Aelin's. "Why are you crying?"

Relief washes over her at the sight of her daughter, safe and sound. She tries to take deeper breaths, but her body fights against her. The baby in her womb squirms uncomfortably. Aelin feels guilt that they are so subject to her moods. She tries to open her mouth to speak, consol her frightened daughter, but Aelin can't get any words out.

"Daddy!" Dell screams, frightened tears gathering in the corner of her eyes.

Rowan bursts through the door, "Dell?"

Adelia sniffles and kisses Aelin's face sadly, "Daddy, what's wrong with Mama?"

Aelin grabs at her chest, trying to ease the tightness there. She was scaring her daughter. What kind of mother would do that? Rowan sits beside her, and a cool wind goes up her nose and fills her lungs.

"Fireheart," Rowan lifts Adelia and sits beside her. "Is this a sick day?"

It was the code they'd come up with for the days when the past came back to haunt them. When the turmoil in their mind forces their bodies to rebel, and they can't seem to put on their usual facades. It used to shame Aelin, the days she couldn't rise from bed and do her duty. But her mate's unwavering love soon cracked that lie and eased her burden. Rowan had convincing arguments. Aelin's people needed their queen at her best, and on sick days, she wasn't able to give that to them. Their court was strong. They wouldn't allow Terresan to fall while she recovered. Aelin deserved time to heal.

Rowan must have been able to tell that she wouldn't be able to settle herself this time as his winds continued their push and pull in her chest. "Yes," she rasps dejectedly.

Dell buries her face into Rowan's shoulder. Her mate rests a hand on the side of her face and soothes her cheek. "To whatever end, Aelin. We will get through this just as we do everything else."

Rowan kisses the side of Dell's face. "Little love, do you think you can go to the kitchens and have someone bring Mama tea?"

That fae instinct to fuss rears its head in their child. Adelia perks up at the opportunity to do something useful. "Yes!"

Rowan sets her on the floor, and she takes off in a blur of untamed hair and swishing skirts. They wince as a gust of wind slams the doors of their chambers against the wall.

"She's a handful," Rowan talks, aware of the soothing effect his voice has on her. "But we always knew our children would be. I can't wait to see what kind of chaos our son brings into our lives."

Aelin wraps her arms around him as the remnants of her dreams finally fade away. "You think it's a boy?"

"I know so," Rowan pinches her side, and Aelin smiles. He'd also been confident that their first child would be a girl. His smugness after Adelia's birth was unbearable.

"Rowan," Aelin whispers. "Can we just lay here today?"

"I could never deny you anything," Rowan leans against their headboard and kicks off his shoes. "You don't need to ask, Aelin. It's okay to take time for yourself."

"What if I'm just proving Ress right?" The insecurity slips from her lips before she can stop them. "What if there is someone more capable?"

"Ress won't be a problem anymore," Rowan rests a hand against her bump, and the baby withing kicks at it, bringing a smile to his face.

Aelin narrows her eyes, "What have you done?"

"Nothing that anyone will blame me for," Rowan assures. "He would be in a lot more trouble if the rest of the court learned what he said in front of Dell. Ress should be grateful I didn't do a lot worse."

Aelin sighs, "I don't understand why I can't just let it all go. Why do I allow myself to be so haunted?"

"It's not that simple," Rowan shakes his head. "I'm hundreds of years old, and no matter how many years pass, there are things from my past that haven't healed. The mind is different from the body, and sometimes it takes longer for it to recover. There is nothing wrong with that. You gave up everything for the people you loved."

"Because I had to," Aelin contradicts.

A hardness comes over Rowan, "because no one else could."

Rowan rolls over her body into a plank and looks deep into her eyes. "No one else that day would have made the same sacrifices out of love. Not even me. I was too selfish to let you go. You gave up everything, and by the strength in your soul, you came home to me. In all my decades, I have never met someone so remarkable, and I never will again. Take as many years as you need to recover, Aelin. This world owes a debt to you, and I will make sure it pays. You deserve every happiness."

His hand threads through one of hers and drags it up to rest on the bump between them.

Happiness.

Dell darts back into their room, a cup of tea sloshing in her hands as she runs. "Daddy, I put extra sugar in it. Uncle Fen is coming with more cups, but I made this one special."

Rowan pulls away from her, and the laughter on his face is contagious.

Aelin smiles and accepts the tea from Dell's hands. She even manages a few sips without cringing from the sweetness. Fenrys follows behind her shortly and sets a fresh cup covertly on her bedside table.

There may be hard days, Aelin realizes as her family gathers around her, but the love they showed her every day made it all worth it.

#throne of glass #rowaelin #rowaelinmonth #rowan whitethorn #aelin galathynius #fanfic #tog #angst #rowan x aelin #ptsd #sick day #baby fic #canon #sjm #sjmaas

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throwaway3844893 · 4 years

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A non-canon changing of the events in Crimes of Grindelwald

Hundreds of witches and wizards stood up and cheered as Grindelwald ended his speech about dominance over muggles, his arms spread wide as he welcomed the joyous shouts and yells. Tina flinched, taking a few side steps closer to Newt as the crowd died down and Grindelwald continued to speak to the recipients. An encore at hand. "What are you gonna do?" Tina said breathlessly, staring at the crowd that rallied at Grindelwald's words. She turned to face Newt, her heart pounding in her ears as she drank in the sight of him. She shut her eyes to rid of the memory from only moments before,

He felt exquisite against her.

Newt stared at her then, and the first thing he noticed was the smudged state of her lipstick. Rouge was overlapped above her top lip, and it took everything in Newt not to reach out and trace it, to rid of this imperfection. Perfect, pristine Tina, never afraid, was now disheveled and worried. Scared, even. She stared back at him, unveiling the mask she put on to conceal the vulnerable person inside. Newt had no answers, and that frightened him. He didn't know what he was going to do., but telling Tina that would only scare her further. His eyes darted back and forth as he thought of an answer. "I'll think of something," he replied smoothly. Newt shifted toward her, running his hand down the length of her arm. "I always do, Tina. We can get through this."

They moved in conjunction together, all of their unspoken feelings coming to life.

Tina shook her head. "Look at all these people," she replied in disbelief, turning her head to face him. "You really think we can beat all of them?"

His kiss was soft and gentle, as if she was something delicate. Like an angel.

"I do, Tina. I do. I've fought in wars, we have our creatures, and you are the most powerful witch I have ever met," Newt said honestly, his expression soft as he tried to console her, though it was hard with his own panic threatening to spill at any moment. Newt didn't notice the way her breath hitched when he'd called his creatures theirs. He scanned the crowd of magicians, holding Tina close to him.They both knew how the night was going to end with them inevitably separating, dueling in their own separate battles. It's why, when Newt pressed a kiss to Tina's temple, she didn't object. "We can do this," he said before taking a shaky breath.

Tina was the first to pull away, flicking her eyes up to meet his and chuckling quietly. "I l-"

She was interrupted by a low grumble outside; it signified Grindelwald's arrival. They looked at each other once more, lost in the words they could no longer say.

Tina sighed, looking over the crowd and trying to decipher anyone she knew. Across the room Theseus and Leta were stationed together, and Tina was certain their conversation mirrored her and Newt's. She could barely picture the two, about to be wed, parting as they said what could be their final goodbyes. Her and Newt would soon do the same. Grindelwald was wrapping up his second speech, and Tina turned to face Newt. "Let's hope we get out of this thing alive," She mused quietly, searching his face. "And if we don't-"

Newt hushed her and brought a finger to her lips, shaking his head. "Not now, Tina. We mustn't act upon what could happen. We'll survive." Tina nodded and allowed herself to accept his embrace, breathing in the sultry, lovely scent of him. She locked it in a special place, deep in her head to be used only on the days she missed him most, if they were to be separated forever. The crowd below them began to stomp and cheer, and Tina drew her wand before she viewed something that stopped her in her tracks.

There, in the middle of a row of people, was her sister and the No-Maj they'd lost track of moments before.

Queenie, with her plaid dress and monochrome coat, stood with Jacob, who appeared dazed and confused, drinking in Grindelwald's words as if they were water and she were a thirsty beggar, starved for any kind of beverage that would quench her suffering And she was agreeing with them, as if every word he spewed wasn't a lie. As if world domination over those who were lesser and powerless against them was something she was okay with, all for the sake of love.

Newt saw her at the same time Tina did, and he reached out for her, who'd begun to pull away from his grasp. "You can't stop her," Newt said, his voice quiet. Many of Grindelwald's followers were beginning to disapparate, meaning the conference was coming to a close and the time to fight was drawing quick. "Her decision is clear, and we don't have time. We can only hope she's one of the ones who leaves. As for Jacob... oh, Merlin, look what he's gotten himself into-"

He trailed off when he saw the blank, closed off expression on Tina's face as she stared directly at her sister, her mind a whirlwind of thoughts. She seemed to sway with the wind, her shoulders squared. It was a horrifying sight, Tina standing like that with Grindelwald's words barely audible behind her. "I'd promised to protect her," she said quietly. Newt watched the wind blow tendrils of Tina's bangs across her forehead, though she let them tangle with each other. "I protected her for years, but-" Tina took a deep breath- "It seems she's outgrown the protection."

With that, she let go of Newt and disapparated.

She landed a few steps above her sister and shoved others out of the way, pushing her way down the steps before reaching the blonde. Tina side-stepped in front of her, interrupting the clapping and smiling her sister was doing. Queenie paused for a moment, stunned, and then pushed Jacob away from her. Tina heard a snap! come from above her and she watched as Newt, panicked, apparated next to Jacob and began to tug on his arm. "Come now, it's not safe for a muggle like you here."

With Jacob safe in Newt's custody, the woman started to speak. "Why?" Tina asked breathlessly, her face showing clear distress. "How could you do this, Queenie? You know he's against everything we stand for!"

"No," Queenie said simply, watching her sister with pure defiance. Tina's eyes flicked up and over Queenie's shoulder, where she saw Newt dragging a curious Jacob up the steps and out of the arena. "He's against everythin' you stand for," Queenie reiterated, her expression stone cold, though hot tears pressed against her eyelids, daring to spill over. The two sisters almost mirrored each other. "I am in love with a No-Maj. Your congress does not allow that. Grindelwald's does. He's not a cruel man with cruel intentions." She kept her eyes on Tina as she spoke, never faltering as her sisters lips shook and breath hitched. "The cruel intentions come from your side. You won't allow me to be happy-"

"I want nothing but for you to be happy-"

"-because you think exposing the magical world is dangerous. I wasn't finished talkin'," Queenie added with a snap. They watched each other for a long time. Tina's breaths were shaky as she processed this betrayal. How could her sister have done this? Her sister, who she'd loved, nurtured, and cared for all her life? Her sister, who she'd been ordered to watch after their parents tragic demise? How could this sweet, beautiful creature turn into someone who followed the orders of a madman? Queenie shook her head and shrugged her shoulders. "One of us had to be brave."

Tina gasped then, her features hardening as anger rose within her. "How dare you," she said, and her voice shook. "How dare you imply I'm not brave! You... you are the one whose not brave. You go running around with Jacob, cursed, unable to accept that you cannot love each other, and because of your blindness you've gone to join the most dangerous task force in the wizarding world and for what? Something as small as love?" The two watched each other, both steaming by the end of Tina's monologue. "I raised you, I put everything before myself for you, I postponed my career, I risked my career... everything I've done has been for you. Was that not enough?"

Queenie evaded her sister's expression, instead focusing on hitting the jugular. "You don't know or understand love because you refuse to accept it. You refuse to accept the fact that Newt is in love with you and that you broke his heart all because you thought he was married to Leta-"

"That's not the point!"

"And now he feels he cannot tell you how he truly feels because he fears you're still upset with him, and it's crushing him inside because he doesn't know that you love him back-"

"Queenie-"

"You broke him, Tina. He's closing off again; I know this. He's closing off because of you and your actions. You're losing the one man who could ever truly love someone like you-"

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"Because despite your flaws, despite your obstinacy, despite your inability to accept any feeling of attraction toward you, he loved you. He loves you for you, and all your faults. And that isn't enough for you, is it? It's never-"

"Why are you doing this?"

"It's never enough. You're afraid of it. You're afraid, Tina. The thought of love scares you, because you know it's right. You know it's right and that it's gonna hurt and it's gonna be incredible but you refuse to accept that you feel it for him because you have this idea that you gotta protect yourself from everything. You love him, Tina, and you can have him. I can't have Jacob. This is why I'm with Grindelwald. He can assure I get what I need. He won't take it away."

There they stood in the middle of the seating in an arena, the blonde destroying the brunette and watching as she broke down. Queenie didn't flinch when Tina pulled out her wand; instead, she took out her own. They were poised to fight each other, though neither made the first move. Queenie cocked an eyebrow, challenging the elder sibling. "Try me," she said smoothly, her violet eyes burning into their chocolate opponents. "You know I'm right, Tina. You know that-"

Newt came rushing down the stairs, interrupting Queenie's thoughts. Without a doubt, he pointed his wand at the blonde. "Don't move," he ordered, surprisingly demanding. Tina had never seen him like this. In a flash he was in front of her, one arm outspread to cover her. "Don't touch her," he said again, eyes focused on Queenie, whose face was radiating pure shock. "Have a go at me, if you must... but not Tina."

Tina grabbed onto Newt's arm, attempting to pull him back. "Newt, what're you doing?" She whispered when he refused to move, his body rigid like a stick caught in tar. Queenie watched the two of them, an amused smirk on her face. Tina realized then that this was what Queenie had wanted; a chance for succor, to have the final word and to force Tina to rush into a life she wasn't sure she wanted yet.

Well, she was sure, but that's besides the point.

"Keeping you from doing something you'll regret," Newt said after a moment's hesitation, lowering his defences as he realized Queenie had no intent on harming them. Tina frowned, backing away and loosening her hold on him. "Queenie," he said quietly, forcing himself to meet the witch's violet eyes. His voice was low as he spoke. "There is another way. You don't have to fall victim to his words. You are not alone. We can fight this law, and break it, together. Grindelwald's way simply won't work."

"No," Queenie said sternly. "I've seen into his mind, Newt, it's... it's amazin', the things he plans on doin'. They'll work. I know they will. And I can't..."

The blonde trailed off again, looking toward the ground as the couple stared at her with wide eyes. "You can't... what?" Tina asked, daring to take a few steps forward.

"I can't fight with the congress that's betrayed me."

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life-rewritten · 4 years

Text

A Chance to Love: A chance to know Tin and Can Part 2/2

Identity in a Name, as a literary device used for Symbolic Foreshadowing.

A chance to love episode 4:

What’s in a name? A chance to love episode 4 introduces the background of each of the names of the main characters to the audience. Both Tin and Can reveal the reasons for their names at the same time sharing their perspectives and what it represents to them. Both these two scenes are catalysts for the relationship between these two and will be explained further. This post will focus on how Mame uses names in this story to reveal the subtext/understanding of these two’s characterisation.

The reason for Tin

Tin later reveals the context for the creation of his name in a vulnerable moment. It is Tin who tells Can the origin of his name which already showcases again intimacy because he’s showing a vulnerable side of himself to Can. Unlike Can's embarrassment, Tin shows resentment and bitterness towards his name and also towards his mother. Whilst Can doesn't want him to know about his name because of fear of being teased, Tin reveals his and lies that it's a messed up joke done to play with Can. Tin's mum named him after his brother as an afterthought; she didn't want him as a baby and preferred Tul over Tin. She named him after his brother so he can follow his footsteps and be like him. This already starts to unveil his characterisation and his story arc especially when it revolves around the shadow of Tul in Tin's life.

Tin first shows up to the show, cold and distanced from people in his world. Until he bumps into Can who’s determined to not let him get away with his rude behaviour.

First thing we should notice about the naming of Tin

1. He’s resentful and bitter because of his relationship with Tul. He did use to look up to Tul but a revelation about his family dynamics has made him stop trusting Tul and also feeling betrayed by Tul.

2. He feels neglected and without his own space to fit in, and belong

3. He feels like a shadow without his own story, character or importance in his own environment.

Tul and Tin brother’s who are forced to see each other as enemies, both turned cold and heartless because of the lifestyle they were forced into.

A shadow of Tul

Tul is portrayed as the most significant emotional impact on why Tin is the way he is. He shows massive resentment towards Tul, always calling him out and threatening to expose his fakery. Tul acts naïve to his claims but also indicates a snide approach enjoying Tin's insults, even saying to himself he won't be able to break down his mask. In Love by Chance, we're shown that Tin looked up to Tul, but something he did cause him to be broken and not to trust, his family members, Tul or even the world. Tin being named after Tul suggests that the shadow of Tul is what follows him around throughout his whole life until he meets Can. As a shadow Tin feels he has to always be behind Tul, never foward or in the spotlight, always being overshadowed by Tul’s presence and achievements. And it also suggests a competition for the family inheritance/wealth which both brothers may have to go through. Tin is determined to be seen as stronger, wiser and just over all ahead of Tul in everything in order to survive in life. Tul isn’t just a competition but he’s the very obstacle Tin will have to overcome to really grow and find peace/joy this until he meets Can who represents to him light and trust.

The shadow also suggests again the feeling of being haunted (connecting to trauma, pressure, neglect). Tin's stifling family environment has made him become someone who has to be cold, to survive. It suggests a competitive environment in which he has to fight to be noticed and taken seriously. The harshness of what he has to go through has shown him to distrust everyone, always to be alert and to see everyone as manipulative. (Including the poor, who he's been taught to see as gold diggers who would do anything for money)

The tin man is a known character in Wizard of Oz his goal is to get a heart and start to feel again. Meeting Dorothy helps him regain the ability to emote and take care of someone again.

The actual Tin Man:

Based on connotations of the wizard of oz. Tin’s name is alluded to the very archetype in the story known as Tinman. A man who’s been cursed to be made of Tin, he feels stuck, can’t move forward and also loses his heart. Being a man made of tin has been alluded to stiffness, coldness, (without a heart), and emotionless. A very dark atmosphere and mood is set and like the Tinman, Tin is seen as heartless by Can; he acts stiff and cold to everyone he meets apart from his nephew. He's also been taught or turned into someone who should not feel emotions that allude to trust, or love because he's built up a wall to protect him selves from others. Especially as the story unveils his past we see Tin is suffering from wounds of being too trusting and to naïve.

The way others perceive Tin is not who he is though, from episode 4 he slowly starts to reveal who he really is and Can also senses that he's more than just cold-hearted which is why he likes hanging out with him. We also see his transformation alluded to in the future events like in episode 1 where he calms down Can and comforts him.

Can’s sunny and childish atmosphere contradicts with Tin’s cold and brooding atmosphere. One is a child, whilst the other was forced to grow up to quickly in order to survive the hostile environment.

Can and Tin's dynamics: Juxtaposition as a device

From both analysis of these twos names, it’s obvious to notice the dynamics hinted and reasons for why they both need each other. There's a juxtaposition with the sunny personality of Can and the heaviness of Tin's disposition. Can's family dynamics also differ from Tin's, making Tin realise that warmth can exist in a family, (from season 1). There can be a trustworthy and loyal person that is for him who wouldn't be affected by money and greed, someone who doesn't think about his family's name (this also needs a complete analysis) because he doesn't care about wealth, or kissing up to people.

Can hates feeling like someone bought him, and this is precisely the proof that Tin needs to know he isn't by his side for his money. Tin's love for Can makes Can realise that he doesn't need to be alone, and having someone by his side is worth the pain because of how much joy and happiness can be found from being with them. Their personalities compliment each other, provide the paths for the character developments needed, and they cover their shortcomings.

Tin comforting Can shows how much his character grows and how much influence Can has on him. They both form an intimate connection where they both rely on the other the most.

The reveal of both their names: A catalyst for their relationship

The scene where Can's name is revealed is what causes Tin to start to opening up to him. Mostly because it makes him adore Can all the more because he begins to understand and trust him. He tests out Can's reaction immediately by opening up to him about his name. In the previous season he uses it as a way to tease and get Can flustered, he also uses it to blackmail him though I don't think that's happening in this season. (which is fine by me).

Can's name being revealed to Tin changes their dynamics in the first season, gives Tin more power and reasons to be near Can. In this season it's used to make him reveal the truth because it makes him even more convinced that he likes being around him and he enjoys the warm atmosphere of Can’s family.

The reveal of Tin's name also causes a change in their dynamic both in season 1 and this season. Tin is shocked to see Can openly believe his story and Can reacts by feeling guilty for calling him unloved previously and also sympathises with him.

For Tin, it makes him realise that Can is very trusting again, the same reason why he likes him, and Can like a child latches onto his words and takes on his burdens to comfort him. On the other hand, this is the first time Can sees Tin vulnerable and slowly starts to piece together why Tin acts the way he does, why he spoke to his mother the way he did and why he doesn't trust anyone. Can starts to find him self caring for Tin because of this reveal and ends up feeling hurt even more when Tin plays it of as a lie.

Their relationship focuses on having a hand to hold, someone to trust and feel understood and known by. Someone who invades their comfort space and makes them confront their insecurities.

The relationship changes because Can is more open to Tin and willing to be a friend to him because of this reveal. This makes them see parts of themselves that people don't see usually making them start to lean on each other whenever the other needs, i.e. episode 1 when Can cries to Tin on his shoulder about his failures.

Tin and Can played by Mean and Plan in A Chance to Love

Both the names of Tin and Can while seeming odd actually ends up revealing layers of their characters which also shows why the two are made for each other. Whilst this post might be repetitive; it's because there is an emphasis on how different they need to be to complete each other. You've heard the phrase opposites attract, Mame uses Tin and Can to showcase the strengths of that argument. As we continue to break down the dynamics of these 2's relationship, I can't wait to know more about the two, especially why Tin is the way he is, is Tul actually as bad as he thinks or is it a misunderstanding, and how will Can realise his feelings for Tin and will the family try to ruin that. So many places the story can go and I can't wait to watch it.

#tincan #a chance to love #love by chance #meanplan #thai bl #analysis #fvete #cwg #october

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aowski · 3 years

Text

Changing the Narrative

It seems that death is coming at us from all sides these days. Police shootings, mass shootings, road-rage shootings, COVID deaths, and the execution spree of the last administration.

What most of us know about the death penalty in America, we probably gleaned from movies like “The Green Mile”. In our minds, we confine it geographically and historically to the old South. I propose that it encompasses more of our lives than we care to admit. We just don’t see it and recognize it as such. The sentence of death hangs over all of us. We’ve become numb to all the ways this is true, especially if it doesn’t directly affect us or our demographic today. But executions are happening daily in this country. It might help if these executions were categorized:

Judicial Execution - Death administered by the State, as a punishment for a capitol crime, usually for being too poor to afford a proper defense.

Civil Execution - Death administered by law enforcement as punishment for no reason at all except being a poor person of color.

Stochastic Execution - Death administered randomly in a public place by another person by reason of their own uncontrolled rage and easy access to military-grade firearms.

Domestic Execution - Death administered by a significant other, usually an aggrieved spouse or lover. Again rage combined with easy access to firearms. May result in stochastic execution of others.

Policy Execution - Death administered by state austerity that neglects human well-being. Reverend Barber’s “Policy Violence”.

Economic Execution - Death administered by poverty. Holes in the social safety net coupled with grievous inequality depriving people of access to food, water, shelter, and healthcare.

Environmental Execution - Death by industrial pollution, its toxic effects on food, water, or air, and climate change.

Epidemiological Execution - Death by a communicable virus that spreads like wildfire because of government negligence, politicization, assertion of personal freedom, and utter disregard for the well-being of others.

Self Execution - Death caused by our own hand. More than the act itself. The culmination of untreated depression, bi-polar illness, or hopelessness, i.e. the psychic death that precedes it.

Taken together, the result is...

Actuarial Execution - The reduced lifespan resulting from living in the United States. With a life expectancy of 78.5 years (per a WHO 2019 report), we have fallen to 40th among the world's nations in life expectancy! These are Life-years stolen! How did we get here? What is it about America that has made 39 others countries a better place, a place to live longer?

We have accepted a "culture of death", a phrase coined by Pope John Paul II. The Psalmist called it “the Shadow of Death”. In this country, the culture of death began with genocide of the indigenous, but gained an enduring foothold with slavery.

Slavery was the foundation of the economy at our country’s inception and was well-represented at the Constitutional Convention:

Let us consider the first fifty years of our national history. There was never a moment during this time when the slavery issue was not a sleeping serpent. That issue lay coiled up under the table during the deliberations of the Constitutional Convention in 1787.— John Jay Chapman

Much of our Constitution was an agreement made by compromising with slave-holding states and interests. The most notorious artifact was the “three-fifths” clause which counted slaves as 3/5 of a human being for the purpose of apportionment, thus giving the slave-holding states disproportionate representation. The Second Amendment is another concession to the interests of slavery. By the time of the Convention, “Slave Patrols” were well established in the South. There was concern that Article 1, Section 8, giving Congress the power to form and finance armies could gain control of state militias. Virginia would not ratify the Constitution unless the Second Amendment was included.

The cohesion (and fragmentation) within our society is based on identity. Too often this identity is not based so much on common interests, but on caste.

Identity is not who we define ourselves to be, but who we define ourselves to not be. More to the point, we understand ourselves to be in a hierarchy, so we define ourselves by who we are above.

They have had to believe for many years, and for innumerable reasons, that black men are inferior to white men. Many of them, indeed, know better, but, as you will discover, people find it very difficult to act on what they know. To act is to be committed, and to be committed is to be in danger. In this case, the danger, in the minds of most white Americans, is the loss of their identity.—James Baldwin

"If you can convince the lowest white man he's better than the best colored man, he won't notice you're picking his pocket. Hell, give him somebody to look down on, and he'll empty his pockets for you." —Lyndon B. Johnson

It is a human failing that we need a scapegoat to blame others for our shortcomings and vulnerabilities. White people impugn our shadow on Black people and other minority groups. Everything White America refuses to believe about itself, hates about itself, is projected onto people of color.

The white man's unadmitted and apparently, to him, unspeakable-private fears and longings are projected onto the Negro. —James Baldwin

Of all the things we want to push away from ourselves, the certainty of our death is chief among them. Yet...

Mortality the reality that we are most adept at denying.

Perhaps the whole root of our trouble, the human trouble, is that we will sacrifice all the beauty of our lives, will imprison ourselves in totems, taboos, crosses, blood sacrifices, steeples, mosques, races, armies, flags, nations, in order to deny the fact of death, which is the only fact we have.

—James Baldwin

And, again, White America, finds it convenient to avoid the reality of death by projecting it on others:

White Americans do not believe in death, and this is why the darkness of my skin so intimidates them.

—James Baldwin

Is this is why White America has been so indifferent to the suffering and death of Black Americans? Per CDC data, life expectancy for Black Americans is approximately five years less than the population as a whole. Indifference may not be imputation, but it does translate into the lack of political will to change things.

Racism is the Poison. Although inequality disproportionately affects people of color, all working and middle-class people are struggling to survive. Compared against other wealthy Western nations, America’s systemic ills are dragging us all down into the shadows of death.

...racism is a poison first consumed by its concocters. What's clearer now in our time of growing inequality is that the economic benefit of the racial bargain is shrinking for all but the richest. The logic that launched the zero-sum paradigm-I will profit at your expense-is no longer sparing millions of white Americans from the degradations of American economic life as people of color have always known it.

—Heather McGhee (The Sum of Us)

Solidarity is the alternative and people are waking up to it:

Everywhere I went, I found that the people who had replaced the zero sum with a new formula of cross-racial solidarity had found the key to unlocking what I began to call a "Solidarity Dividend," from higher wages to cleaner air, made possible through collective action. And the benefits weren't only external. I didn't set out to write about the moral costs of racism, but they kept showing themselves. There is a psychic and emotional cost to the tightrope white people walk, clutching their identity as good people when all around them is suffering they don't know how to stop, but that is done, it seems, in their name and for their benefit. The forces of division seek to harden this guilt into racial resentment, but I met people who had been liberated by facing the truth and working toward racial healing in their communities.

—Heather McGhee (The Sum of Us)

A New Way, a way of life, a way of economic security is possible, but only if we seize the moment we are in. A moment of crisis is also a moment of opportunity. As we come out of a once-in-a-lifetime crisis, more people are facing the bankruptcy of 40 years of trickle-down Reaganomics.

Not everything that is faced can be changed. But nothing can be changed until it is faced —James Baldwin

The politics and messaging of racial scapegoating is deeply embedded in the American psyche. Race-baiting and fear are the tools used against solidarity. The answer is a new story, a race-class narrative.

If we lead with a shared value, that means race and class, for example, ‘Whatever your race, gender, or religion, most of us work hard for our families. Every child, regardless of where they come from, deserves a chance to pursue their dreams.’ Reminding us of our common humanity (that’s a good place to start) and then saying that racial scapegoating is a weapon that economically harms all of us. You’re actually putting a shot in your listeners’ arm, inoculating them, so the next time they hear that racial scapegoating, they have antibodies for it. —Heather McGhee

This is the pivotal moment we find ourselves in. Our choices are to continue with the old story of racism, division, and death or to embrace a new story, a story of solidarity and an abundance. This can happen when we realize we are more than "The Sum of Us" (McGhee).

#death #execution #police brutality #COVID #white #black #life expectancy #zero sum #inequality #political #solidarity #baldwin #heather mcghee #identity #racism #trickle down economics #resentment #race-class #the sum of us

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honeybearspeach · 3 years

Text

Dear

Baekhyunnie,

Firstly, I want to wish you a very Happy Birthday. Its 30 sexy indeed.

Although it's a happy occasion, today has approached extremely quickly for my liking. I'm still finding it difficult to wrap my head around not being able to see you for the next two years.

I am never happy when I sit to pen down these enlistment letters, but I am having an increasingly difficult time while I'm addressing yours. I've repeatedly written and erased so many words because I can't find the right words to express my heart.

When I first got to know about EXO in 2014, I remember falling hard for the charms of Byun Baekhyun. People know you today as a Genius Idol, but for me, I remember the BaekHyun in his twentys who practiced with EXO from morning to dawn right from pre-debut and continues to do so till today. Baekhyun who is always shining bright on stage, who is the most kind and humble person who always tries to bring a smile on everyone's face be it on stage or offstage even now.

My youth is spent with EXO, and naturally there have been moments in my life so far when I was at my lowest, I was feeling down, gloomy or just angsty in particular, in these times I always sought comfort from your voices. I will never have good enough words to express my sincerest gratitude towards you.

It was not until recently I realized I have been so selfish. You've always shined so bright Baekhyunnie that your light blinded all your struggles and long time sufferings. Although I do realize I couldn't have done anything even if I had known, it pains me immensely to think about how hard this journey must have been for you. All I can do, is say "Thank You for Singing for me BaekHyun-ah. You always do well."

The Baekhyun I know is a very open person, very carefree and enthusiastic; Someone who is an introvert by nature, who doesn't like to go out and strip himself of his energy by socializing, but instead he loves to stay indoors and play computer games for hours on end. The Baekhyun I know has a lot to tell us and so he does on his Vlives, he isn't particularly concerned about his image when he plops down on his couch and acts like he's alone when a million people are watching, be it short stories about his new air fryer or pictures of his favourite Mc Donald's meal. He isn't cheesy but will always send heart fluttering messages on bubble, especially when he drinks alcohol. The Baekhyun I know loves his family, friends and fans equally and will not shy away from defending them, especially from Mosquitoes.

The Baekhyun I know has never backed down from educating us, may it be calling out Sasaengs or encouraging us to fill petitions to help a cause. I admire Baekhyun as a person beyond comprehension.

Baekhyun-ah you're truly the light of our lives.

When I grew up looking at Baekhyun I learnt a lot. BaekHyun-ah, your words have always touched my too-vulnerable heart. The most important lesson I learnt is that not every day has to be a good day, but I must live anyway. We must live life at the fullest but also at our own pace and with our own terms. So until you come back from the military, I will try my best to live my life diligently. I hope to go to college and take the first steps towards my dreams, even if that means I will be getting further away from home. I wonder if we're equally scared about new adventures?

You've always been so chatty with us, how are we all going to survive without your impromptu messages and lives? I know you're just as affected by this as we are but from the way you've been talking recently, so I will diligently give you updates about my days on twitter with #백현아오늘은 in hopes that you will not keep on worrying about losing us now because we have already come so far together. I won't even be able to count the number of memories we have lived together in the past and I cant wait to make hundreds more so I can promise you I'm not going anywhere. So far you have been our light, but now allow us to be your light.

Bakekhyun-ah, take care of yourself please. I know you will be quick to make friends and acquaintances in the military because you're a literal ball of sunshine but I'm extra worried because of your health condition.

When you feel Lonely, when you want to cry, when you want to smile, don’t just embrace yourself alone alright, in a flash, just wish upon a star and my your voice will reach us passing through a sea of Moonlight. Believe in our bond and when we say Saranghaja, we truly want to be with you forever. Lets make a promise under the stars to meet soon and greet each other with smiles and stay together for a long time, we are one after all.

The Six Hundred Forty days countdown hasn't even began yet and it already feels like its going to take forever. Just know that my heart is always concerned about you, no matter how far away you are. I really am looking forward to the day I see you perform again.

My words are overflowing but I'll end this here. Baekhyun-ah until now, I've been drawing strength from you, but now I hope the thought of us waiting for you gives you nothing but strength.

Serve with pride and I expect to see my Baekhyun with his irreplaceable smile in the winter when the stars will fall like snowflakes to welcome you back.

I will see off my Genius Idol now, go do your duties as Byun Baekhyun.

Take Care, Stay Healthy and Come back Soon.

I love you, always and forever.

Love,

#오월을_빛내는_큥탄일 #배켜니생일축하해 #배켜니_빈자리못느끼게_킹다릴게 #HAPPYBAEKHYUNDAY #30SexyBaekhyunDay #Youreworththewait #baekhyun #EXO #210506 #640daysisnotalongtime

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lonestorm · 4 years

Note

Hi! I'm new to your blog because i really really enjoy your writing. Tho i hope this won't be offensive in anyway but seeing as you're an American i would like to know you view in what's going on rn. What with Covid, Trump, BLM. It just seems everything's wrong nowadays but anyway i hope you and your family stay safe!

Hello! I’m so glad you happened across it! Thank you! It means a lot that there are people out there that still find some happiness from my writing :D Lol it’s fine, I don’t mind. There is a LOT going on over here, no doubt. I try to view the situation as the bigger picture. It’s a challenging time that will pass, as every other has before.

COVID is confusing, and it’s almost impossible to find true information between people that want you to be afraid to maintain their control and the people that have already made up their minds from one doctor’s words without hearing opinions from other medical experts. But with deaths and hospitalizations trending down, I hope the country can begin to open more--those who are vulnerable I think are smart enough to stay safe, and the government needs to trust them to make the right choices. The rest of us need to be more courageous and recognize how many risks we take on a regular basis to live instead of just survive.

Trump is heavily shrouded by his own stupid big mouth and a media that does lie about him on a regular basis. Both of these things are true, and the people that understand the nuance of that are largely forced to be silent lest they lose their livelihoods. I investigate when he does or says something new, and usually the latest outrage is a far cry from what actually happened-so much so that I’m exhausted and hardly believe anything I hear anymore. After the whole Russia thing turned out to be nothing, I just lost my patience with media. Most Americans I know have already made up their minds, and many tune out of traditional news media in general because it’s so hard to get anything true. I’m not very bothered by Trump like some Americans. People react to every time he wipes his ass, and I’m over it.

Black Lives Matter is a funny statement to me, because it’s so obviously true and everyone agrees with it, like naming an organization “don’t kick puppies.” It seems obviously deceitful to name the organization something that no one with a conscience would disagree with, and then make a platform that many people WILL disagree with. I tend not to want to align with trained Marxists and people that disavow the nuclear family. I want to have a conversation about helpful police reform and policies that will actually help the black community, like disincentivizing single motherhood with the welfare system and promoting school choice/school vouchers. But it seems that peaceful protests tend to turn into unhelpful and deadly riots, and the conversation is being drowned in chaos. Virtue signaling abounds and does no real good for people who are suffering. The riots are damaging black neighborhoods and if the city officials actually gave a damn, they would have done their jobs and helped protect their communities rather than ignore the destruction of people’s livelihoods. Most of the talk about it from government officials and people on social media I see as disingenuous and shallow, and the BLM organization’s radicalism doesn’t improve the situation either. I don’t know the solution to this much built up anger, but as for me, I tend to spend time with people who recognize the issues and try to better themselves to better the situation as much as they can. You are all you can change, after all.

This is my overall position at the moment. I’ve spoken to liberals and conservatives about it, and we agree a lot more than we think when all the screaming is going on. Luckily, my family is safe from the riots for now, and none of us are at risk for COVID complications. Thank you so much for the kind and thoughtful ask, and I hope you and your family are doing well too!

#asks #anon

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purplepeoplelickingtruthpeddler · 6 years

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This song is a mood.

It's a song about unhealthy relationships. It reminds me of those that I used to get into, waiting for people to treat me right, riding the wave of cyclic abuse and waiting and waiting and waiting. I spent a loooooong time paying for wasted time after realizing my worth, paying internally and emotionally, paying for waiting on someone to allow me to have a sense of worth I could've found without them, and would have found easier without them. I want to spare people as much of that fallout as possible, even if that work people are afraid of when they admit their mistakes is worth the resulting independence. It reminds me of all the friends I've had, helplessly watching them make my mistakes. "In time" they'll leave, "in time" their partner will change, "in time" they will change themselves to their partner's liking to make them happy, "in time" they won't jump headlong onto a plane that's already crashing without asking what they really want in a relationship. I literally just cannot express how ya'll need to see just how worthy and capable of functional relationships ya'll are. I was brought up in some of the worst ways; I'll spare the details, but if anyone's proof that you can go from a complete mess to emotionally and socially fulfilled, it's me. It makes me so sad looking back on all the people who hurt me because they were hurting, because they couldn't handle someone trying to help them. It makes me sad how many times I have poured out my own traumatic mistakes, hopefully to their benefit, only to be insulted and/or pushed away. It makes me sad how many people have shown me that they weren't ever really my friend because being a friend suddenly wasn't conducive to the lies they told themselves, and the lies I know well because I used to be like them. How it's embittered me and made me cynical even if only to a certain point. How it creates a constant struggle between shutting off my ability to be vulnerable with people and let them in at the same time. How I have to dance that line everytime I see someone I love making my mistakes and they turn on me for trying to talk to them about their codependant relationships and their self-worth, things that I've struggled with and overcome. How I eventually have to let them go because relationships shouldn't eat at me the way theirs eat at them, and because I can't make them let me just tell them that they deserve better, and I'm forced to accept that repeatedly. Because I'm no more than a concerned soon-to-be ex friend for so many people. I need ya'll to see that there's no "in time I'll love myself" unless you're actively working on it. There's no "in time" post-trauma when you look back at the wasted time and regret literally every single second. Everytime you gave another minute feels like you repeatedly happily murdered your identity and it hurts. It creates the guilt that's so central to PTSD that you have to work through to survive. These things take work, and hoping your next rushed relationship is going to fall into your lap as a good one isn't the work. There's now. Now's the time to leave, find a healthy environment even if the only one currently available is one of solitude, recognize which people love you and which people don't, learn to live with yourself, do the work, and clean house, instead of trying to force an unhealthy relationship to change. I'm just... sad. Because this has been a running theme of my life and I wish that for once I didn't feel quite so alone in daring to love myself and love friends the way they don't understand how to or expect to be loved by others. You can do better, not in spite of, but especially because you haven't up until now, because your pain can be the prime position for growth. Those friends who've always suffered the most gave me the most hope, even when they fought me. Because I've fought myself over this dysfunction, alone, and won. If I was complacent, numb, or semi-comfortable, I would never have been driven enough to change. There is no "in time".

#ignore me #im shouting into the void again as i unpack things #abuse tw #relationships

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